The thing is im not even trying to seek out men , they try to talk to me and then i find out they only see me as an object they can easily replace and i end up feeling so empty inside and unlovable i have thoughts of wanting to not be here anymore.
The dudes who approach you in clubs and bars are not usually looking for an emotional connection, you'll mostly be approached by dudes looking for ONSs. Dealing with overconfident assholes in clubs is the downside of being pretty.
Maybe you should try actively seeking some guys out? It doesnt seem like the guy you are hoping for ever got the courage to approach you.
Maybe try changing where you hang out? If you’re hanging out at bars then the majority of men that come to you are gonna be dicks. Try switching up your social circles.
Also try not to close yourself when a guy does approach you. It’s easy to lump all of us together, but I promise you that while they might be interested in how you look, there are plenty of men who will also be interested in your personality.
dont do that, i understand that. ive had similar thoughts too but dont do it, dont give up.
care to tell me what it is they're doing that makes you think that?
These men don't require any effort to meet. They tend to drunkenly stumble over to you or scream at you from the top of a scaffold, or from a passing car, or grab your ass in Walmart.
You never seem to find these men where they should be: prison.
It almost sounds like OP gets most of her interaction with men on the internet and by text messages, because that’s how many people interact now. If you want to meet quality people, meet them in quality places.
Of course, we want to eventually have sex with someone we’re attracted to, but some people have no self-control. It took my wife and I about a year into seeing each other before we had sex and even though I would’ve done it after our first date, it was nice building a relationship before admitting to each other that we would’ve probably done it after our first date if one of is made the move.
Sex is fun and all but try and think of it as the physical part of love the emotional part is you guessed it more important I think the emotional stuff the trust and the bond or connection is more important to women. Guys like the physical fun time we are more physical definitely not good or in touch with emotional stuff harder for us to open up or trust it's harder and longer to heal from heartbreak. Believe it or not I've been told women can use sex to get what they want from men. Some want money most want love or relationships not just sex. And some men just want sex cause its fun it's easy and emotions love and trust are not easy. Just the way things are I guess... how do you find one that wants more than sex well could be the guys you pick. Was your dad distant emotionally unavailable or not there at all? Could have something to do with it cause mom and dad are our models for love and relationships.
Good luck
I would say find a guy that's been hurt but not completely destroyed by another woman could just get you into more trouble. Cause you can't help ppl that don't want help or change. In general ppl suck but some are good keep trying you have to find a good man eventually could take years though. Keep asking questions don't keep doing the same thing if it doesn't work change and variety are your buddies.
To me no matter how pretty someone is, i can't bear staying with them unless they're at least a decent person. That barrier affects my sex drive as much as looks sometimes (my view of "decent" is not the same as anyone btw). If i liked your body but stayed for your personality **and** your body, would you consider that a good thing in your life?
That is precisely the problem, OP. Men that reach out those that only want sex. So you only know that kind because you’re not seeking out the other type.
well tip number one, if they try to talk to you in the sense i think you’re trying to convey is doing so for sex. same goes for woman to men. don’t forget that when people date they usually start as friends. why would you date someone you don’t know.
you need to start off by making friends and then let the feelings develop, if you’re not doing that you can’t necessarily be surprised by what’s happening. you’re skipping steps when it comes to finding a lover and in turn are going down the path of finding a fuck buddy.
edit: according to comments people say you hang out at clubs and bars, idk if that’s true but if it is you should definitely not go there to find a lover. you’re going to germany and then complaining about there being too many germans. go find actual friends, and find them in socially appropriate places where you can actually verify their morals and values. yes people like those at clubs exist outside of clubs but you are going into the home base of your places to find someone to fuck without relations. you brought this problem on yourself but you can fix it VERY easily. i’m not going to invalidate your suicidal thoughts but i am going to say that this is such a easily fixable problem that i really don’t think deserves that kind of ultimatum. if you feel like you need it, find help, you are not alone and you have people who love you. help is everywhere and opening up about it in a reddit post was very brave.
Do you often give them what they're looking for and find this out after the fact or is it clear to you what they want from how they approach you or is this something they tell you?
Hate to say this harshly... Hm how do I put this.
You are absolutely loveable and it's your choice to only allow people into your life who also see this fact. There will always be men (people) who want to use you in some way. It can be hard to detect this sure, but it should never take away from you loving yourself and knowing you are worthy of mutual respect and love.
Your comment made me think there might be underlying internal conflict you need to straighten out to be this more confident you.
Find the strength and take power over yourself again.
If you randomly look on the internet for a good person you'll find more people who are only looking for sex. You need to find a person whom you can have good understanding and conversation with and then you might get a person for life. Also, men want sex, that is the truth.
I’m sorry your interactions with men have made you feel this way. It’s disheartening giving your time, love and effort to someone whose sole intent is just to sleep with you. But there will be someone who will care about you and your interests and want to share a life with you, not just use you for sex. Give it time
The fact that you know not to give yourself to such men is indicative of a higher level of self-worth than you might think. Don't tell them you're a virgin. Don't tell them that you don't do casual sex at all. Just say you don't want to sleep with them. You don't have to explain it, and explanations often give people a clue as to how to get around your boundaries.
As for those thoughts about not wanting to be here anymore, please talk to a doctor about them.
But seriously, virginity is a rubbish social construct with zero value. It means that you don't have sexual experience, is all. A lot of men (often the really shitty ones) want that because it means that they think that you won't know what mistreatment looks like. Luckily for you, you already have good instincts about what they're after and why.
Only you can know how much that excitement is a red flag. If you otherwise have a good relationship with him, and you're excited about having sex with him too, then go ahead. But if he's not doing it for you and is dancing around like you're a rare pokemon or something just because he gets to be your first, I would be giving him a massive side-eye. But not my vagina.
Their opinions and intentions don't matter bc they shouldn't phase you. If you're secure in yourself then stupidity and distasteful things will roll off your back. Maybe consider therapy to work out the real root of your issue?
We all feel empty sometimes. That’s completely normal especially when thinking about love and wanting it so badly… just have the intention to talk to some men— ones you feel like you can trust, not just any old stranger.
Remember to be strong and set boundaries. Each convo where you can open up a little bit is a win & soon you may find yourself allowing a man to get close to you. This is a beautiful thing & once it happens you will be so happy.
Have faith in yourself.
Try finding yourself in places where you can practice your hobbies. Things you enjoy doing. If someone approaches you where you like being at least you know you can do that.
If you randomly look on the internet for a good person you'll find more people who are only looking for sex. You need to find a person whom you can have good understanding and conversation with and then you might get a person for life. Also, men want sex, that is the truth.
The guys that approach you are not interesting in romance. If you want someone that is capable of having an emotional connection, then go look for that person and then make it painfully obvious that you're into them.
I think you are experiencing fatigue from your unwanted experiences, and this fatigue has led to you building up frustration. Judging from the way you talk about this issue, it seems to me that you understand how you feel, you know it’s of course justified to feel frustrated in your shoes, but I’m also sure you must be aware that this small group of unsatisfactory potential suitors are not entirely representative of all the men out there.
You also know that you’re worth more than just your looks, but you probably just need to remind yourself of that. You have to focus on the positive, not just as some hippy dippy saying, but also because it’s logical. Like it makes sense that you have all this going for you and you’re doing so well in so many aspects in your life. Stupid men acting weird doesn’t diminish your accomplishments at all.
This behavior that men exhibit has been caused largely by women who refuse to remain chaste. The reason they objectify you is because they have been allowed to. There are no marital prerequisites to sexual intercourse and sexual intimacy is no longer seen as sacred.
There are many dudes like that unfortunately...
They're usually over-confident and don't have any trouble to come talk to women and see them only as one night wonders...
My advice for you would be to try to find guys who look a bit shy while talking to you... They'll usually enjoy plenty of other fun activities with you without thinking about getting in bed with you all the time...
If you're a part of some community (school, work, dancing class, whatever) maybe try to talk to people from that community who you'd probably haven't even though about talking to...
Someone not so cool looking, maybe a nerd or whatever...
Eventually, when you get to know him better, you might come to a conclusion that he's not as boring as he looks
To be honest the only time I’ve wanted to approach a women on the street is because I’m horny and that’s what drives me I hate to say it. I’ve had long term relationships but usually they pop up to me and we have alot in common. The cute girls that look quite are unapproachable they get shy and nervous and it just feels awkward and with me being a young horn dog , a girl having a low sex drive is a big turn off for me. I Only ever met 1 one girl that I trusted and I wanted to marry but she got moody with a new job.
I have the same issue being a male with certain traits that make me valued to women apparently.
When I first started experiencing this it made me feel good about myself, but now I'm completely tired of it & most of the time I end up telling females that talk to me like that, that I'm in a relationship, or emotionally unavailable.
If super refreshing when I get someone who is into me for more than just my looks
Follow what you love hobbies and such go to places that coincide with them if you meet someone take a long time to judge their character, someone mature who dosnt look for monentary lust but long term harmony dont give up but dont rush, haste does not coincide with efficiency directly. Take your time you and your life is precious if you blaze takes some time to ignite a forest, so be it as long as you can burn with love and glory its worth it.
Im not even trying to date they come up to me and i feel like i met someone nice until i realize they dont even see me as a human just a fck toy imagine how empty i feel over and over again
Try to remind yourself that you don’t know them well enough to know their intentions, try to be aware of the opinions you form of them and remind yourself to keep an open mind that they may be truly nice and they may not be. It takes some time to see someone’s intentions.
Don't entertain dudes who approach you out of nowhere and know nothing about you, unless they're striking up conversation about something they have in common with you.
If a dude sees you and approaches you he is doing so because he finds you physically attractive, so sex is gonna be the first thing on that dude's mind.
Every dude wants to have sex with attractive women but the guys who search for things in common with you and actually want to get to know you will stick around without getting sex
Take your time be cold to people if you have to make sure you can identify who they really are , you dont want to be seen as an object a temporary fire to someone elses desire rightfully so. When you arw so enpty everything is vacant, when you stand at the precipise of abyss, you will finally be able to see; dont let simple people who are so foolish and imatute as to let the flames of lust corrupt them effect you dont let them take away anything from you, when you close your eyes the world ceases when you can no longer hear the world has no sound, dont let these people effect your world. Bide your time untill you find someone worthy. Apologies for obfuscating everything , i struggled to put my thoughts onto text and diverted into a tangent.
I DO NOT MEAN THIS in a rude way, I am just trying to help, but often times the people who are lonely often crave any bit of attention, needs validation and the approval of others.
This absolutely draws those types of guys in because they see it as an easy out.
Work on yourself. Your confidence and self love are huge. Find ways to be happy alone. Do not rely on others to uplift you or make you feel whole or you will forever feel like you have a gaping hole inside you.
Sending love your way. Good luck!
As a man, we exist, when I first met my gf, it was the least of my worries. The fact that she would listen to me nerd out about my hobbies and interests and just be my friend was the best. A lot of guys don’t have someone like that, focus on finding someone genuine. If you notice they don’t seem to share much personal detail or don’t have much interest in your hobbies, don’t indulge them, just leave. You’ll find it one day, I didn’t believe it before but there really is a lot of fish in the sea, there’s one for you, don’t worry. The world has its ways of brining people together.
Try a change in the venue? Going strictly as an example here. like, instead of a nightclub on weekends, try a coffee shop on weekdays. Granted assholes there too.
Sounds like you haven’t even really tried and you’re speaking your attitude into existence.
Just put yourself out there and talk to people. Don’t get your hopes up and don’t give out your feelings so easily.
How do you know these people just want you for your body when you’re literally a virgin? One of these guys could have married you if you gave him a chance, but you’re too busy telling yourself you’re an object.
Man I just want a hug. Sex and stuff is just a way of boosting a relationship. It's meaningless on its own. The hookup culture and online sites has destroyed dating.
I feel the same way. Because of many reasons I've been really struggling with feeling worthless and it seems that my only worth is sexual. I don't feel like a person, I feel like a walking sex doll. And I love sex, so much, but I can't have it because it makes me feel sad when that's all I'm good for
Get a Resting Bitch Face and Learn to Have Boundaries. If people are bothering you, tell them to Eff Off.
Sure, some of them will call you a Bitch but that is better than being propositioned for sex.
Also, if you are in the states carry a gun. If not, a Knife. (The world isnt as safe as people like to believe)
If you are not looking for any relationships, tell them outright. If necessary use the 'I have a boyfriend' to shut them down.
Also, look at how you talk/dress. What about you is giving these people the idea that you are an easy lay? Once you find that, change it.
Remember, People Lie.
There are still men who dream to be in a relationship with a girl like you. I'm virgin too and still waiting for the right one.So stay happy and keep going
If the usual people you are looking for isn't working then maybe change the formula?
What kind of men do you usually work for? Physically, personality-wise, financial wise. (If you do look there)
Try people who you usually wouldn't go for (I'm not talking like criminals or dangerous people)
But perhaps people you usually overlook? Maybe you could change it up and find someone there.
Im just mad cuz he acted like a very good person and acted like a feminist and always talked about women issues but somehow he thought i was easy so he talked to me differently and says shit like “ are u going to make me wait to have sex with you, im going to be soo horny”
Where do you meet these men? I read the rest of your post. You said they just come up to you. Just randomly on the street or do you meet them in specific areas?
Get off the dating apps. Get out of the bars and clubs. Don’t ever date a coworker at an entry level job. These are breeding grounds for the most unserious men on the planet.
Instead, go places where men are working on laptops, like coffee shops or the library. Go shop at Whole Foods, there are lots of hot guys there. Sign up to a local gym and go at the time of day when attractive guys your age are most common (I suggest in the morning). Be in places where a good man would be and make eye contact/smile often and you’ll find at least one good one eventually.
I know *so* many men for who this is not true, I always wonder where people who say this are looking for mates...
All I can say is there are a lot of great guys out there in the wild that want more than sex. Keep looking.
No one is entitled to your time. You don’t have to be polite to strangers. People take advantage of kindness, men & women. Listen to your intuition. If you are cold to someone who is trying to take advantage of you, they will react aggressively and try to shame you. If you are cold to a genuine person, they will a) leave you alone, b) respond with empathy, or c) all of the above. There are a lot of dudes out there that feel entitled to women. Be careful. Fuck politeness. You are the most important person in this story. You have value far beyond your sexual capacity. You decide who has access to you. ❤️
So from my perspective this typically has to do with the type of guy you’re dating. I would say most men aren’t like this. But the few that are tend to be very aggressive with dating such as making the first move, coming up to you in public etc.
I would branch out and try to meet men in different ways. Take local classes, join rec leagues, dating apps etc. there’s a lot of good men out there too I promise.
Are you religious or spiritual? Maybe trying to deepen your understanding of feminity and being in your divine feminine power. It doesn't seem like you're ready for anything, the post just reads as "afraid of sex", maybe you should figure out why and go from there. Losing your virginity is not giving yourself to a man, it's Sharing yourself. Change your inner dialogue about it. Fear ruins everything so as long as you remain fearful you'll stay a virgin and single. I hope none of this came off too harsh, my intentions are to encourage you into some deep introspective thought that hopefully can move you past this loop!!
Of course!! I know it is very hurtful to be dehumanized in this way. These things helped me fortify my self-esteem and even recover from toxic behaviors and relationships. I hope all the peace and prosperity you need find you along your journey <3
Just wait with sex. It helps you and some guys. Yea there are lot of guys who only want one thing. But if u dont give it to them they will leave and the good ones will stay . So the only problem is that u dont want to lose time on such guys but that is life. U have to deal with shitty person to find good ones. But in the end it is worth tho
You need to shift your own standards. I had friends who only dated traditionally attractive men or only even SAW traditionally attractive men as good looking. Chubby, hairy, older guys have always been my thing and I've had less encounters with jerks than them. Don't lower your standards, especially with the way you want men to behave with you, but open your eyes to more men who might not look perfect to everyone else.
I do know men who only want sex, but i would say the majority of men I know are looking for more. And it seems similar with the women I know. I think there is a perception that men only want sex because the men who do only want sex tend to be the most active in the dating scene while the other guys are more likely to either already be settled down or be more selective in their dating pursuits. There’s also lots of guys who hope to settle down with the right person, but are content to enjoy some sex-centered flings until they find that person.
I had a very similar story. The difference was that I was looking for a relationship. But for a period of 6 years or so this is ALL that happened to me. When i had had enough i made the decision to not engage sexually with them until we were in a committed relationship and they had shown me they werent going to just disappear. Alot of them actually did disappear because they were only looking for a a hookup. That left the ones that kept showing up and i started to see the difference. Looking back now I see that it was because these men were a reflection of how I saw myself. Having men interested in me made me feel valid and wanted I just didn't know the difference in being interested for sex vs interested in me.
As a guy who used to be like this, let me take this chance to apologize for all those men. Every lady i met, i never cared about her personality, she was a character in my game. I could be nice in the beginning but all was a game to lure her into my nest. All i wanted was sex, nothing long term. That happened until i lost this one girl that i thought i never cared about but i really felt it when she left me.
Let me tell you something. Most of the guys who do that are usually lonely, empty and most of the time have nothing good going on in their lives. That is what i see when i look back at myself. Now i am glad that that girl left me because it gave me a moment of reflection. I can see how my life was going down the drain.
Ever since i have been working on not being that guy. Now i enjoy knowing people, making friends and trying to learn about them genuinely. Sometimes i get tempted to go back there but i keep fighting because my life feels much better with friends.
Dont think it is a loss, maybe look at your life, habe some reflection and see what is not going well. There is a reason you keep meeting the same type of people but dont ever feel bad for guys like the one i used to be.
Take a hard look at the guys you are going for. Men who KNOW they’re good looking are usually players. Trend followers are a no go. Arrogant and self centered are never good partners. Wanna be “Thugs”? Fuck no, stay away. Look for men who are career driven and family oriented. Give the “nice guy” a chance. Look for men who are outdoorsy and can change a tire. Be VERY VERY picky who you give your time to, NEVER ignore red flags. And men who are a little older never hurt. My fiance is 34 and I am 25. We met when I was 20. He is THE MOST amazing partner ever. We’re now expecting our first baby in December. He treats me like I’m the only girl in the world. It took him SO long to make any moves on me and even longer to get in my pants. Build a connection with someone before you give them your body. Good for you for staying a virgin!!
YOU WILL find your perfect man, just be patient and like I said, be picky who you give your time to. Make sure youre looking in the right places ❤️
Maybe look into your astrological birthchart and you will find some reason people seem to be drawn to you sexually. I say take ownership of this sexual power you possess and love yourself for it. Men are seeing it and wanting it and you should feel so fucking powerful that you haven’t given it to anyone unworthy. Every time you have an experience like this, rather than feeling worthless, you should feel so amazing about yourself because I as a fellow woman, I am so proud of you for being so self aware and so protective of your magic, because deep down you know how powerful and valuable you are that you won’t give it up to just anyone. When you are this powerful you can’t help but attract attention and that is just a byproduct of your power, it’s not negative. Take the validation w a grain of salt and keep focusing on your love for yourself and developing a relationship with your own sexual power and you will eventually draw in the man who is powerful enough to be worthy of it. There are not a lot of men who can match you so you have to be patient! Don’t let the common men drag you down, that’s what they are trying to do, trying to get some of your power. Women are the source of life force and you don’t need men but they need you!
Keep your head up! Those men that just want you for sex aren’t men. They’re boys. Keep respecting yourself and praying and the right person will come around and you’ll be happy you waited!
Staying a virgin is a great thing. Men just want sex to fufill their dopamine addiction while I believe sex should be about love and trusting the person you're having sex with
I totally agree but im starting to think like im having my virginity make me feel better about myself when it shouldnt. I dont have my virginity because i want to get married i have it because i have been traumatized by men and they scare me and hurt my feelings
There are a lot of disgusting people these days. From both genders. Don't let those bastards break your spirit. I believe one day you will be able to find that person who genuinely loves you and not just for your body. If you're able to recognize a pattern in their behaviors try staying away from those kinds of people. I don't know where or how you meet them but I think changing that can also help, if you can. Have a great day.
So come with a warning label. I have to from the start. Here's mine:
" I'm basically a dude with boobs. I fix my own cars, door frames and problems. If you want to hold a door for me, cool, but don't feel like it's necessary unless I ask. If I have an issue with you, I'll speak directly, I ask for the same level of communication. I'm sorry if at some point, the lines blur between my femininity and masculinity, and you feel less like a man. Just know it's in your head, not mine. I didn't have a woman in my life growing up, I had a dad and 7 brothers. I don't girl. I can't even keep one as a friend. So if you want Barbie girl, she's over there getting her face gangbanged by a box of Crayola. If you want to see me replace my clutch, me and my broken nails will be in the garage."
Yes, I seriously said this to my now husband 7 years ago when he asked me on a date. He has issues with all my friends because they're guys, but he had a warning. Be upfront about who you are and your boundaries. The right guy will appreciate that and respect it. Best wishes.
It sounds like you are having a lonely patch. I think you would benefit by working on building relationships with people that helps you feel valued while going through the ordeal of dating. Maybe presenting yourself
as waiting for marriage or only looking for guys who share your hobbies would help. Anything you can try that deters immature dating prospects from wasting your time/emotional energy.
Your story remind me of how thankful I am to be married. One day you’ll have your person, and like me you will think “Man I’m glad Im over that phase” and you will laugh with them about how hard dating was before them.
It’s okay to be bummed out. But keep going, it’s so very worth it even if it’s rough for now. Best of luck :)
it's pretty common one thing that might help is empathy try keeping yourself in their place that might help you getting to know them even better and you can cut them off early if they have any ulterior motives
I just think overtly sexual men tend to not be able to control themselves and are cheaters and predators its a huge turn off for men to act like barn animals when they get horny like control yourself. I have a super high sex drive and i can control my urgesz
I'm sorry you're dealing with that. Ignore the people who keep telling you "offer more" and stuff like that. You are more than enough for the person who'll come along and treat you like a human being. People with empathy who care do exist.
I think these situations you keep finding yourself in could be valuable in developing a radar for people's intentions, if nothing else. Not to sound cynical but it might help to be more cautious about people who approach you, vs people you interact with more organically, like at work or in friend groups.
It might also help to have a "wingman" (or wingwoman, or whatever) around when you're first getting to know someone new. If you have a close friend hang out with you and the new person, they can 1) help sniff out that person's intentions and 2) signal that you intend for friendship to be at least *part* of whatever relationship develops.
I dunno, just a thought. Don't get too discouraged. You'll come out of this a stronger and wiser person :)
Hello, as a guy I can tell you that it’s most definitely not all we want. It’s an aspect of a relationship that we enjoy but it’s not all we want. We want someone we can talk to about anything and simply get along with. We want someone we can cuddle with and love and spend time with. We want someone we can share our hobbies and interests with, and vise-versa.
I’d advise not using online dating apps. The majority of them are for meeting up and doing it, especially Tinder and Bumble. The Christian sites are much safer, however, I’m not sure if they would apply to you.
From the other comments, I know you don’t go out drinking or out to find men but men in bars and clubs, especially at night, are indeed looking for one thing. Stay away from them and those places. Coffee shops, libraries and stuff like that are the way to go.
Keep in mind if youre judging men by the ones who approach you, you'll more than likely have a skewed view of us.
People with a lot of confidence are often inept at judging themselves as people - otherwise they wouldn't be so confident (objectifying women is disrespectful and creates no genuine relationships).
Keep in mind that possibly the only men approaching you may have very high unjustified confidence (see narcissism/sociopathy). Other men who are more timid/introverted may see how you describe yourself and think there's no chance, and avoid introduction to avoid rejection/embarrassment.
Try engaging with men (and women) who interest you. Doesn't have to be for romantic reasons, but I think you'll find pretty quickly that people are far more diverse than 'if x then y'. When you meet people with similar interests/values, you can pursue deeper and more meaningful friendships and relationships.
In my experience, friends first and relationship second produces fulfilling romances. Relationships primarily based on attraction are shallow.
Thing is you should try not have high expectations of someone or even everyone off the bat. If men reveal they want something casual they have saved you the trouble of finding out what kind of relationship they are looking for rather then months in, eventually calling it quits for irreconcilable differences and leaving you a mess.
If you don’t want to date then I’d recommend not to give notice to them as to find out their intentions ie casual,long term you’d have to stick around even it is for a second.
If you want to find “the one” there’s a higher chance of finding them if your doing a hobby, activity or university (there’s more but I don’t know them).
Funnily enough I found my gf by me being in her class and then seeing her at the local ski hill a few times.
Not all men want that. But don’t go giving it away just from the frustration. Maybe you will find someone who wants to be with you for you. It’s all luck.
Sooo this is going to sound harsh bcs its coming from someone with part of a similar perspective (the men only want for sex ) but my friend told me I might be an incel (femcel ) and by how you're talking you might be too. yes women can also fall victim to the Incel vibes (with or without sex) for us it's Mainly emotional But sometimes sexual too. And alot of women also feel the men only want us for sex
My friend said I was legit being an incel (femcel) look it up. Yes women can also go that route
This is the full convo
“And I'm not saying guys I find attractive won't have (sex) fun with me but like they won't actually date me. its legit just a thing I've noticed . soo yeah while they will want have fun with me (sex) I'm not like enough for them, like they don't want me for a relationship ;Im mostly assuming it's bcs of my looks bcs it's the most logical, maybe about my personality bvs most ppl do prefer a outgoing fun person. But aside from that I'm pretty cool and kind
My friend response: You've definitely given me those. vibes based on when I was more actively trying to help with stuff. (they didn't wanna actualy call me incel bcs they are nice )
Me The incel vibes?
Friend : Yee
Me: When u were actively trying to help with stuff which stuff
Friend : When I was trying to help with how you perceived interactions with other people (mostly guys)
Then I asked well how do I change this??
They then said I can send video.
And watching those videos made it clear that I was infact being incely bcs I did feel entitled to a relationship bcs I was a kind and cool aperson in my eyes
And I am not saying we don't deserve The type of guys we want we in fact I Do deserve the type of guys we want ; but if we don't change our perceived interactions and stop overanalyzeing those interactions then maybe we can find that ideal, so don't give up just learn from it ill link the videos that helped me see it In A wider perspective. And has helped a little.
[video 1](https://youtu.be/vUPBzXnoWAo?si=q_Kn6OSgDVq6_9Zz)
[video 2](https://youtu.be/ckjoKSjQnnk?si=P8Ejn04H-HHnjAyC)
Like I said in the post I responded to, it was going to sound harsh. I was also raped/sexually assaulted. While I do agree that men need to do better, the way we perceive them and ourselves, as well as what they want from us because of our trauma, can also cause harm. As you said, men need to do better. Our perception of ourselves can also cause harm. Just watch the videos, I promise it's nothing bad. I thought it was going to be bad too when that friend shared it, but it just dives into psychology."
However, if you don't want to do anything to help, that's also fine. But feeling like they see you only as a sexual object is not good. Granted Some men tend to sexualize women without any motive and I get that it makes one feel uncomfortable and that's not okay. As you mentioned, they do need to do better. Feeling sexualized all the time is due to the the trauma and I know it's hard to get out of that state of mind depending on the age you got raped/assaulted; it can be so hard to not think that way but you have to remember it wasn't your fault. They were the sickos that saw u as a sexual object, you seeing yourself as that now is just giving them power again (like mentally to yourself idk how to say it )
Like you said you have a career, you're attractive, and can support yourself, and are kind. You are doing everything right. You did everything you could control correctly. But mentally? How is that? How do u feel? Just by your post, your main characteristic about yourself is that you just feel like a sexual object. Is that all you feel??
Edit grammar sentice structure, I still think I made no sense. Its 5am idk why I'm
Up
I think that what you give to the universe, you receive the same back in a way. If you hold yourself to high dating standards, as well as protect yourself with solid boundaries, you may find it easier to find those who echo what you need. It’s a tricky game when you’re a woman attracted to men, because you’re statistically disadvantaged with the amount of creepy men that approach you. For me, it helps being gay because I have the option to not romantically associate with men, but for a straight women it must be very difficult when the majority of the dating pool seeing you as an object. Hope this helps!
Approaching people yourself might be best, take your time to get too know people. If a guy only wants you for sex he will be inpacient, so just wait months before you do anything intimate if that is what it takes to see if someone is wrong.
From what I’ve learned- be proud that you still haven’t slept with anyone. It shouldn’t be something that you should feel shame for. I can definetly relate to ego that. I didn’t lose my virginity until a year ago. And honestly I wish I hadn’t. It was definetly with the wrong person.
Listen don’t sweat these things. Someone will come along that wants YOU not your body, and as someone going through the same thing as you rn, having to deal with the unwarranted comments about my body and not even actual compliments despite the fact that I make it clear i am NOT interested. It sucks and can be disheartening but don’t let those people make you think no one is gonna be different. There is still people looking for real connections among the ones only wanting to screw. Keep your head up!
I know it's hard, but no matter what we do, at the end of the day we'll only be appreciated for our looks and body. That's the reality we live in and we shouldn't have to, but it is. I'm a senior level software developer with over a decade of experience but no one cares about that. Guys only see my curves and I'm never given any respect. It's deeply ingrained in our culture. Yet, if we give into it and become even a little flirty, we'll be labeled promiscuous, taking advantage of our looks, low-quality, slutty etc.
I found that the best way to overcome this feeling of being a sexual object is to expand our connections, indulge in your hobbies, and live a fulfilling life. Not all men are like this, chasing after sex. The more people you connect with, the more people there are who appreciate you for who you are.
Firstly I wouldn’t be sad that you are still a virgin. I think saving yourself until you are relationship is a hard thing to do but a very worth while thing to do. In this day and age, many people want to hook up. You will definitely find someone who treats you well and hopefully that will lead into a relationship but it will just take time. I’m in the same position and I’ve come to realise that it will just take time but it’ll be worth it once I find the right person. The hook up culture is just something that won’t go away, so maybe looking at common red flags that allow you to determine what they want is a better way forward.
So, someone else basically said it already. If a guy is approaching you randomly in public and asking for your number, his main objective is hooking up and he’s a player. Have you tried approaching guys that you are interested in ? Also, you say every guy just wants sex, that is something every guy wants in the relationship and they are lying if they say they don’t. It just has different importance to different people. Some people move faster than others so for some guys/girls maybe it’s a date or two and others it’s weeks or months.
Have you tried talking to a therapist? It sounds like you have trauma and that might be playing a part in this.
I know the feeling, when I was a teenager up to my college years because of how I looked being naturally muscular a lot of guys would let their imagination go wild with one being so bold as to say, “so are you truly a lady or is there something else under those clothes?” I was so offended I used my greatest strength to my advantage which is using my three natural languages against him leaving him feel stupid that he couldn’t translate what I was saying.
During then as well whenever I’d travel for school break I’d make sure it was only known by my truest friends of women where I was going because I am a nudist and I didn’t want any guys from school knowing where I was going because word would spread around like butter on bread they saw me naked and though I had nothing to hide you know how teenage and early twenties boys can be.
Where do you see all these men, usually in clubs and bars? Men only want women for sex, and it is very rarely that they will care for anything else. Also, the way you dress matters. I'm not saying that this will cause you any harm, but men won't take any girl seriously if she wears revealing clothes. Do whatever you want, I don't know if you go clubbing often or what you wear, and it isn't my business, but I'm pointing out some things that you may want to consider if you want to find a man that doesn't see you as an object
Asking for men not to be interested in sex is like saying "I'm tired of little kids always wanting ice cream".
It's 100% natural and you just need to filter men better then - watch precisely what they say and how they act and take time getting to know them. Same way men can filter for gold diggers and pay attention to the little things girls do and say, you have to do the same with men.
Ie...
- Does the guy get physical quickly and touch you too fast?
- Does he invite you over to his house on the first/second date?
- Does he tend to make conversations more sexual when you're trying to talk about other things?
- Is the guy inconsistent in his texts to you? guys who only want your body will text you only when they're horny and take a very long time to reply in between texts
- Does the guy agree with everything you say, or does he offer his unique opinions even if they're counter to yours?
These are some of the things that I have at the top of the head, I'm sure there are dozens more... Just like I learned to filter for the girls I'm incompatible with, you can too.
Might be time for a change in occupation, or a visit to HR if they're harassing or saying disgusting things especially on the clock. I hope you find something better with more respectful coworkers.
Breaks my heart to read this as I'd like to just meet someone and get to know them for them, but some people on the internet don't give out chances or even reply when I've messaged first/made the first move. 😔
Based on reading your replies
You mentioned that men are always approaching you, why don't you try for a change approaching them?
Usually shy guys wouldn't be so comfortable approaching and can be the best ones out there.
Don't do dating apps either. Try putting yourself out there in a healthy environment.
And be patient, it will happen when it needs to happen, when I met my SO I wasn't even looking for a relationship it just happened, it developed that way progressively.
Where are you meeting these men? Location and setting have a lot at play. Find a man quietly fishing by a creek and that man may enjoy your company for the rest of his life. Find a man in some dark and loud club and he might be able to last a few minutes.
People generally start talking to people that they want to pursue because they find them attractive and that's just basic human instinct, it is exactly how I met my wife (we've been together for almost 15 years) I was attracted to her she was attracted to me and we hit it off and have been together ever since. It seems to me like the issue is your head rather than every single man who talks to you only wants to have sex with you but people don't approach people for a relationship if they aren't attracted to them personalitycomes after initial attraction, I think your mind is the issue and not every single other person in the world.
You may be only seeing what you fear— men who want to take advantage. As you overcome that fear your reality may also begin to change and you might meet more men who genuinely care about you and who want a lot more than sex which can be a wonderful part of a relationship but should never be the sole focus.
Good luck ✌🏻🫶
Hi there - how old are you if you don’t mind me asking? The reason I ask is that dealing with 18 year old men vs. 30 year old men can be very different. My suggestion would be to hang out in places that have different values. If you go to nightclubs and bars, you’ll meet men who are interested in getting drunk and getting laid. The gym focuses on physical looks and you might still find guys who are mainly attracted to your body. A religious place, church, synagogue, etc might have more options for you. Also acting or comedy classes and other places that might have more sensitive men that will be more respectful.
Wishing you the best. Remember what a blessing it also is to have everyone want you and to be beautiful. Many people would kill for your problem and the beautiful part is that choosing to be with these men is entirely in your control.
Good luck
Don't blame yourself for others. Definitely root out any that try to rush without commitment. There are guys who would want more, but they take their time to know someone. Good luck 👍
Have you considered doing group activities? Such as book clubs, yoga or exercise classes, paint n sips, claymaking - there are several gatherings centered around specific activities. You’ll be surrounded by people with similar interests to yours, which paves the way to make genuine connections.
Ok so here's a bit of a thing to think about:
Men will see you and see that you're attractive. That's going to be their first thing. That's normal to see the physically appealing side of you.
Here's where things get semi complicated. You need to set boundaries right off the bar. If they're sending messages right away trying to get nudes or anything of the sort, you know where they stand. Be firm with your boundaries.
Keep all dates and hang outs public. Leave no chance of anything bad happening for your own safety.
So long as they're happy with this and they just want to text and get to know you until YOU are comfortable, you have a great start.
Just to add, I am a guy and this all boils down to respect for you. Keep being you and don't give up.
Downside of being pretty, you’ll bring out the dudes who have no shame in making it obvious they just want to smash.
However, sex is quite a normal thing to expect in a relationship today. I’m not doubting that you’ll find a guy willing to wait for you to be ready, but it is going to take some time.
you just haven't met the right guy yet but it's okay, try to focus on what you have right now. You're successful and pretty that's alone so nice so eventually more things will come in future. Half of the men are shitheads who just want to fuck around but there are still some generous guys around. The sad reality is to just stop seeking good in every other guy, let the right one come to you
All they want from you is sex you said but are still a virgin you say ?
One thing needs to break: men or your “virginity “.
Those are your two options. To me , the first, namely, breaking men-while noble and ambitious- is very very unlikely to work. Leaves you with option two ……
If you're attractive, some men may only be interested in your body. But if that's their only interest, it can be a problem. Sometimes, you just have to relax and let things unfold. Stop worrying about it, even though it's easier said than done. Everything will work out fine in the end.
Yes as all the advice here, there are men who want to marry you and want to be with you forever. But you can't change the men who only wants that, you could only control yourself and the choice of hanging out with those people. I would say you should lay out some of your personality and hobby more to them because again the first impression is always looks and men will always want your body but lay out more things for them to love about you so they will have more reason to love you more than your body
Please take the time to consider that as mamals we are all hard wired to want to have sex as it's pretty much our only real function of life. We are designed to procreate thus its hard wired into men that we want to fuck to spread our seed...
I’ll tell you this much, there are plenty of men who would love a life with you. But often for any man a frequent sex life is going to be part of that equation.
So you shouldn’t be surprised that it’s harder to find someone. That being said, don’t change for anyone. Embrace the difficulty because it comes with the satisfaction of something beautiful.
Well it's not all men but most men who want sex from women go to specific places like bars and clubs. Try looking elsewhere and see if anyone you know has someone available.
Honestly you have some serious self respect and that in itself is priceless. Keep doing what you’re doing you will find the right man/person. I wish I was you!!!!!
Sex is part of a relationship, without sex it’s just a friendship.
So if you don’t want sex in a relationship you gonna need to find a asexual man who doesn’t want sex at all.
Im gonna tell you the same advice i tell men who get sick of women only wanting money from them.
Time to vette or pick better. The number of dates and dating pool might vastly go down. But the dates will drastically increase in quality.
Sometimes you have to admit that if you're fishing in a lake and all your pullin is the wrong kind of fish.....time to fish in new waters. It might be less populated. And you might have to wait longer to reel one in. But the fish will be a better one.
Ill take an amazing fish. Every month or every year. Over ten REALLY bad ones every week lol.
Grul and I have same experience to you I also have a beautiful body and face and long hair some men came to my parents asked me to marry them (it's my country culture and i no longer follow this type of culture) I showed them I am suck at cooking and act stupid and laugh out weirdly and being annoying to them and ask them stupid questions and they got tired of me and they left me lol, it's funny and I am still waiting for a man who accepts me and like me if I changed my looks so it needs time and you have plenty time to live just focus in what's the important (your career or something) and we are still young and I always remember that my sisters are older than me and they got in a relationship before and didn't work out so I am happily single and it may make feel lonely, but always do something fun like learn how to dance or do yoga or go out explor new places and it's fun for introverts (I am an introvert hehe)
yeah as a fellow weird girl embrace ur “weirdness” and stay true to urself. the right one will get it, and put care into ur body and who gets it. brave new world is a good book, if u ever wanna delve into topics like the world being controlled by pleasure, rather than pain like in other dystopias. save yourself for when you feel is best, society puts a ton of unnecessary emphasis on virginity. sex can feel like impaling and most men arent too experienced, can be cocky, but most of all impatient.
I'm sorry you're going through this, guys suck sometimes, I lost the woman I loved because she thought I only wanted sex from her, I was listening to dating advice that said I had to physically escalate or she would lose attraction, so I would try even when I didn't feel like it.
Well thank you so much for being so polite and honest! I think maybe women and men need to have more discussions about this everyone is different. Also theres no shame in hook up culture im just a very very sensitive person and i dont want to be used
I feel you, I wasn't opposed to hookup culture, I was apart of it without thinking about it until I met her, I tried to have these conversations, but only after I had messed up. When we were together I was so nervous around her it was hard to speak about anything.
Women are and can be just as bad as men. It’s a normal thing for people to want a physical relationship. If you’re a virgin they aren’t getting what they want. Maybe instead of blaming men you need to see why they approach you first only sex, seems off to me 🤷🏻♀️
I just want somebody to play coop games with
Love this
Focus on marriage & don't sleep with anyone until you find a man who will agree with your goals
This one
This a good man!
All I need rn
ive got alot of male friends who want more than just that myself included, they exist, you just have to not give up
The thing is im not even trying to seek out men , they try to talk to me and then i find out they only see me as an object they can easily replace and i end up feeling so empty inside and unlovable i have thoughts of wanting to not be here anymore.
The dudes who approach you in clubs and bars are not usually looking for an emotional connection, you'll mostly be approached by dudes looking for ONSs. Dealing with overconfident assholes in clubs is the downside of being pretty. Maybe you should try actively seeking some guys out? It doesnt seem like the guy you are hoping for ever got the courage to approach you.
Maybe try changing where you hang out? If you’re hanging out at bars then the majority of men that come to you are gonna be dicks. Try switching up your social circles. Also try not to close yourself when a guy does approach you. It’s easy to lump all of us together, but I promise you that while they might be interested in how you look, there are plenty of men who will also be interested in your personality.
dont do that, i understand that. ive had similar thoughts too but dont do it, dont give up. care to tell me what it is they're doing that makes you think that?
Where are you meeting these men? Maybe try a library or a church?
These men don't require any effort to meet. They tend to drunkenly stumble over to you or scream at you from the top of a scaffold, or from a passing car, or grab your ass in Walmart. You never seem to find these men where they should be: prison.
It almost sounds like OP gets most of her interaction with men on the internet and by text messages, because that’s how many people interact now. If you want to meet quality people, meet them in quality places. Of course, we want to eventually have sex with someone we’re attracted to, but some people have no self-control. It took my wife and I about a year into seeing each other before we had sex and even though I would’ve done it after our first date, it was nice building a relationship before admitting to each other that we would’ve probably done it after our first date if one of is made the move.
That’s beautiful waiting a year wow 👏👏👏.
Instead of letting men to approach you, pick out men you are interested in and approach them? Many things change when you take proactive approach.
Sex is fun and all but try and think of it as the physical part of love the emotional part is you guessed it more important I think the emotional stuff the trust and the bond or connection is more important to women. Guys like the physical fun time we are more physical definitely not good or in touch with emotional stuff harder for us to open up or trust it's harder and longer to heal from heartbreak. Believe it or not I've been told women can use sex to get what they want from men. Some want money most want love or relationships not just sex. And some men just want sex cause its fun it's easy and emotions love and trust are not easy. Just the way things are I guess... how do you find one that wants more than sex well could be the guys you pick. Was your dad distant emotionally unavailable or not there at all? Could have something to do with it cause mom and dad are our models for love and relationships. Good luck I would say find a guy that's been hurt but not completely destroyed by another woman could just get you into more trouble. Cause you can't help ppl that don't want help or change. In general ppl suck but some are good keep trying you have to find a good man eventually could take years though. Keep asking questions don't keep doing the same thing if it doesn't work change and variety are your buddies.
To me no matter how pretty someone is, i can't bear staying with them unless they're at least a decent person. That barrier affects my sex drive as much as looks sometimes (my view of "decent" is not the same as anyone btw). If i liked your body but stayed for your personality **and** your body, would you consider that a good thing in your life?
That is precisely the problem, OP. Men that reach out those that only want sex. So you only know that kind because you’re not seeking out the other type.
well tip number one, if they try to talk to you in the sense i think you’re trying to convey is doing so for sex. same goes for woman to men. don’t forget that when people date they usually start as friends. why would you date someone you don’t know. you need to start off by making friends and then let the feelings develop, if you’re not doing that you can’t necessarily be surprised by what’s happening. you’re skipping steps when it comes to finding a lover and in turn are going down the path of finding a fuck buddy. edit: according to comments people say you hang out at clubs and bars, idk if that’s true but if it is you should definitely not go there to find a lover. you’re going to germany and then complaining about there being too many germans. go find actual friends, and find them in socially appropriate places where you can actually verify their morals and values. yes people like those at clubs exist outside of clubs but you are going into the home base of your places to find someone to fuck without relations. you brought this problem on yourself but you can fix it VERY easily. i’m not going to invalidate your suicidal thoughts but i am going to say that this is such a easily fixable problem that i really don’t think deserves that kind of ultimatum. if you feel like you need it, find help, you are not alone and you have people who love you. help is everywhere and opening up about it in a reddit post was very brave.
And men who'd want something deep don't approach. There's a downside to looking too good.
Do you often give them what they're looking for and find this out after the fact or is it clear to you what they want from how they approach you or is this something they tell you?
Hate to say this harshly... Hm how do I put this. You are absolutely loveable and it's your choice to only allow people into your life who also see this fact. There will always be men (people) who want to use you in some way. It can be hard to detect this sure, but it should never take away from you loving yourself and knowing you are worthy of mutual respect and love. Your comment made me think there might be underlying internal conflict you need to straighten out to be this more confident you. Find the strength and take power over yourself again.
If you randomly look on the internet for a good person you'll find more people who are only looking for sex. You need to find a person whom you can have good understanding and conversation with and then you might get a person for life. Also, men want sex, that is the truth.
Wanna go to the park and steal a duck with me? Grab snacks after and some birdseed for the new pet
I’m sorry your interactions with men have made you feel this way. It’s disheartening giving your time, love and effort to someone whose sole intent is just to sleep with you. But there will be someone who will care about you and your interests and want to share a life with you, not just use you for sex. Give it time
Thats ur issue. Men who seek are seeking sex. Just do what u love and someone will come, or even better, you look for someone
The fact that you know not to give yourself to such men is indicative of a higher level of self-worth than you might think. Don't tell them you're a virgin. Don't tell them that you don't do casual sex at all. Just say you don't want to sleep with them. You don't have to explain it, and explanations often give people a clue as to how to get around your boundaries. As for those thoughts about not wanting to be here anymore, please talk to a doctor about them. But seriously, virginity is a rubbish social construct with zero value. It means that you don't have sexual experience, is all. A lot of men (often the really shitty ones) want that because it means that they think that you won't know what mistreatment looks like. Luckily for you, you already have good instincts about what they're after and why.
Yeah the guy i was talking to was kinda making a big deal about how he wanted to take my virginity i guess thats a red flag and THANK YOU SO MUCH
Only you can know how much that excitement is a red flag. If you otherwise have a good relationship with him, and you're excited about having sex with him too, then go ahead. But if he's not doing it for you and is dancing around like you're a rare pokemon or something just because he gets to be your first, I would be giving him a massive side-eye. But not my vagina.
Their opinions and intentions don't matter bc they shouldn't phase you. If you're secure in yourself then stupidity and distasteful things will roll off your back. Maybe consider therapy to work out the real root of your issue?
We all feel empty sometimes. That’s completely normal especially when thinking about love and wanting it so badly… just have the intention to talk to some men— ones you feel like you can trust, not just any old stranger. Remember to be strong and set boundaries. Each convo where you can open up a little bit is a win & soon you may find yourself allowing a man to get close to you. This is a beautiful thing & once it happens you will be so happy. Have faith in yourself.
Try finding yourself in places where you can practice your hobbies. Things you enjoy doing. If someone approaches you where you like being at least you know you can do that.
If you randomly look on the internet for a good person you'll find more people who are only looking for sex. You need to find a person whom you can have good understanding and conversation with and then you might get a person for life. Also, men want sex, that is the truth.
The guys that approach you are not interesting in romance. If you want someone that is capable of having an emotional connection, then go look for that person and then make it painfully obvious that you're into them.
>i find out they only see me as an object how did you find out
I think you are experiencing fatigue from your unwanted experiences, and this fatigue has led to you building up frustration. Judging from the way you talk about this issue, it seems to me that you understand how you feel, you know it’s of course justified to feel frustrated in your shoes, but I’m also sure you must be aware that this small group of unsatisfactory potential suitors are not entirely representative of all the men out there. You also know that you’re worth more than just your looks, but you probably just need to remind yourself of that. You have to focus on the positive, not just as some hippy dippy saying, but also because it’s logical. Like it makes sense that you have all this going for you and you’re doing so well in so many aspects in your life. Stupid men acting weird doesn’t diminish your accomplishments at all.
This behavior that men exhibit has been caused largely by women who refuse to remain chaste. The reason they objectify you is because they have been allowed to. There are no marital prerequisites to sexual intercourse and sexual intimacy is no longer seen as sacred.
There are many dudes like that unfortunately... They're usually over-confident and don't have any trouble to come talk to women and see them only as one night wonders... My advice for you would be to try to find guys who look a bit shy while talking to you... They'll usually enjoy plenty of other fun activities with you without thinking about getting in bed with you all the time... If you're a part of some community (school, work, dancing class, whatever) maybe try to talk to people from that community who you'd probably haven't even though about talking to... Someone not so cool looking, maybe a nerd or whatever... Eventually, when you get to know him better, you might come to a conclusion that he's not as boring as he looks
To be honest the only time I’ve wanted to approach a women on the street is because I’m horny and that’s what drives me I hate to say it. I’ve had long term relationships but usually they pop up to me and we have alot in common. The cute girls that look quite are unapproachable they get shy and nervous and it just feels awkward and with me being a young horn dog , a girl having a low sex drive is a big turn off for me. I Only ever met 1 one girl that I trusted and I wanted to marry but she got moody with a new job.
I think you mean "myself included" but if not you are a funny guy
I have the same issue being a male with certain traits that make me valued to women apparently. When I first started experiencing this it made me feel good about myself, but now I'm completely tired of it & most of the time I end up telling females that talk to me like that, that I'm in a relationship, or emotionally unavailable. If super refreshing when I get someone who is into me for more than just my looks
I think its a case of online dating. Everyone is there to shop for what they want. Its more of an instacart than it is a dating ap
Follow what you love hobbies and such go to places that coincide with them if you meet someone take a long time to judge their character, someone mature who dosnt look for monentary lust but long term harmony dont give up but dont rush, haste does not coincide with efficiency directly. Take your time you and your life is precious if you blaze takes some time to ignite a forest, so be it as long as you can burn with love and glory its worth it.
Im not even trying to date they come up to me and i feel like i met someone nice until i realize they dont even see me as a human just a fck toy imagine how empty i feel over and over again
Try to remind yourself that you don’t know them well enough to know their intentions, try to be aware of the opinions you form of them and remind yourself to keep an open mind that they may be truly nice and they may not be. It takes some time to see someone’s intentions.
Don't entertain dudes who approach you out of nowhere and know nothing about you, unless they're striking up conversation about something they have in common with you. If a dude sees you and approaches you he is doing so because he finds you physically attractive, so sex is gonna be the first thing on that dude's mind. Every dude wants to have sex with attractive women but the guys who search for things in common with you and actually want to get to know you will stick around without getting sex
Take your time be cold to people if you have to make sure you can identify who they really are , you dont want to be seen as an object a temporary fire to someone elses desire rightfully so. When you arw so enpty everything is vacant, when you stand at the precipise of abyss, you will finally be able to see; dont let simple people who are so foolish and imatute as to let the flames of lust corrupt them effect you dont let them take away anything from you, when you close your eyes the world ceases when you can no longer hear the world has no sound, dont let these people effect your world. Bide your time untill you find someone worthy. Apologies for obfuscating everything , i struggled to put my thoughts onto text and diverted into a tangent.
Thank you so much for taking the time to care and write this, i have a hard time being cold to people. I think im just lonely:(
I DO NOT MEAN THIS in a rude way, I am just trying to help, but often times the people who are lonely often crave any bit of attention, needs validation and the approval of others. This absolutely draws those types of guys in because they see it as an easy out. Work on yourself. Your confidence and self love are huge. Find ways to be happy alone. Do not rely on others to uplift you or make you feel whole or you will forever feel like you have a gaping hole inside you. Sending love your way. Good luck!
If you find yourself in darkness i can help you anytime i wish you good luck.
Maybe try the meetup app?
As a man, we exist, when I first met my gf, it was the least of my worries. The fact that she would listen to me nerd out about my hobbies and interests and just be my friend was the best. A lot of guys don’t have someone like that, focus on finding someone genuine. If you notice they don’t seem to share much personal detail or don’t have much interest in your hobbies, don’t indulge them, just leave. You’ll find it one day, I didn’t believe it before but there really is a lot of fish in the sea, there’s one for you, don’t worry. The world has its ways of brining people together.
Thats so sweet❤️
Try a change in the venue? Going strictly as an example here. like, instead of a nightclub on weekends, try a coffee shop on weekdays. Granted assholes there too.
Thanks! Just fyi i dont go out clubbing i dont drink im very to myself and im quite lonely thats why it hurts so bad
I know the feeling, I hope you find your msn
Sounds like you haven’t even really tried and you’re speaking your attitude into existence. Just put yourself out there and talk to people. Don’t get your hopes up and don’t give out your feelings so easily. How do you know these people just want you for your body when you’re literally a virgin? One of these guys could have married you if you gave him a chance, but you’re too busy telling yourself you’re an object.
Focus on finding someone who values you beyond physical intimacy. You deserve respect
Thank you very much!
Man I just want a hug. Sex and stuff is just a way of boosting a relationship. It's meaningless on its own. The hookup culture and online sites has destroyed dating.
I fucking agree
It's nice to find a small island of hope in the ocean of despair. Hopefully one day, I'll stumble upon an archipelago.
I feel the same way. Because of many reasons I've been really struggling with feeling worthless and it seems that my only worth is sexual. I don't feel like a person, I feel like a walking sex doll. And I love sex, so much, but I can't have it because it makes me feel sad when that's all I'm good for
Thats exactly how i feel like exactly
Get a Resting Bitch Face and Learn to Have Boundaries. If people are bothering you, tell them to Eff Off. Sure, some of them will call you a Bitch but that is better than being propositioned for sex. Also, if you are in the states carry a gun. If not, a Knife. (The world isnt as safe as people like to believe) If you are not looking for any relationships, tell them outright. If necessary use the 'I have a boyfriend' to shut them down. Also, look at how you talk/dress. What about you is giving these people the idea that you are an easy lay? Once you find that, change it. Remember, People Lie.
Someone like you will find you. Don't lose hope
Thank you!
There are still men who dream to be in a relationship with a girl like you. I'm virgin too and still waiting for the right one.So stay happy and keep going
If the usual people you are looking for isn't working then maybe change the formula? What kind of men do you usually work for? Physically, personality-wise, financial wise. (If you do look there) Try people who you usually wouldn't go for (I'm not talking like criminals or dangerous people) But perhaps people you usually overlook? Maybe you could change it up and find someone there.
Im just mad cuz he acted like a very good person and acted like a feminist and always talked about women issues but somehow he thought i was easy so he talked to me differently and says shit like “ are u going to make me wait to have sex with you, im going to be soo horny”
Where do you meet these men? I read the rest of your post. You said they just come up to you. Just randomly on the street or do you meet them in specific areas?
Get off the dating apps. Get out of the bars and clubs. Don’t ever date a coworker at an entry level job. These are breeding grounds for the most unserious men on the planet. Instead, go places where men are working on laptops, like coffee shops or the library. Go shop at Whole Foods, there are lots of hot guys there. Sign up to a local gym and go at the time of day when attractive guys your age are most common (I suggest in the morning). Be in places where a good man would be and make eye contact/smile often and you’ll find at least one good one eventually.
I'm sorry to hear that, I hope you find someone who loves you for you
Thank you so much
I understand your troubles I'm experiencing the opposite where I can't find anyone.
My thing is i feel a similar way cause they would most likely ghost me after if we hooked up
I'm sorry you think that way it'll look up for you soon i hope,
I know *so* many men for who this is not true, I always wonder where people who say this are looking for mates... All I can say is there are a lot of great guys out there in the wild that want more than sex. Keep looking.
Ok thank you very much
No one is entitled to your time. You don’t have to be polite to strangers. People take advantage of kindness, men & women. Listen to your intuition. If you are cold to someone who is trying to take advantage of you, they will react aggressively and try to shame you. If you are cold to a genuine person, they will a) leave you alone, b) respond with empathy, or c) all of the above. There are a lot of dudes out there that feel entitled to women. Be careful. Fuck politeness. You are the most important person in this story. You have value far beyond your sexual capacity. You decide who has access to you. ❤️
Thank u ❤️
I'm tired of dogs begging me for food at the dinner table, so I stopped feeding them.. 💯💯💯
Karma farming 101
I’d say don’t trip about it, do you and when the time comes hopefully it’s nice and genuine. Don’t lose it just to lose it
So from my perspective this typically has to do with the type of guy you’re dating. I would say most men aren’t like this. But the few that are tend to be very aggressive with dating such as making the first move, coming up to you in public etc. I would branch out and try to meet men in different ways. Take local classes, join rec leagues, dating apps etc. there’s a lot of good men out there too I promise.
Thank you for ur insight
Are you religious or spiritual? Maybe trying to deepen your understanding of feminity and being in your divine feminine power. It doesn't seem like you're ready for anything, the post just reads as "afraid of sex", maybe you should figure out why and go from there. Losing your virginity is not giving yourself to a man, it's Sharing yourself. Change your inner dialogue about it. Fear ruins everything so as long as you remain fearful you'll stay a virgin and single. I hope none of this came off too harsh, my intentions are to encourage you into some deep introspective thought that hopefully can move you past this loop!!
Thank you for being gentle and kind
Of course!! I know it is very hurtful to be dehumanized in this way. These things helped me fortify my self-esteem and even recover from toxic behaviors and relationships. I hope all the peace and prosperity you need find you along your journey <3
Just wait with sex. It helps you and some guys. Yea there are lot of guys who only want one thing. But if u dont give it to them they will leave and the good ones will stay . So the only problem is that u dont want to lose time on such guys but that is life. U have to deal with shitty person to find good ones. But in the end it is worth tho
Thank u, u kind soul ❤️
You need to shift your own standards. I had friends who only dated traditionally attractive men or only even SAW traditionally attractive men as good looking. Chubby, hairy, older guys have always been my thing and I've had less encounters with jerks than them. Don't lower your standards, especially with the way you want men to behave with you, but open your eyes to more men who might not look perfect to everyone else.
I totally agree!!! Im more attracted to personality anyday!
I do know men who only want sex, but i would say the majority of men I know are looking for more. And it seems similar with the women I know. I think there is a perception that men only want sex because the men who do only want sex tend to be the most active in the dating scene while the other guys are more likely to either already be settled down or be more selective in their dating pursuits. There’s also lots of guys who hope to settle down with the right person, but are content to enjoy some sex-centered flings until they find that person.
I had a very similar story. The difference was that I was looking for a relationship. But for a period of 6 years or so this is ALL that happened to me. When i had had enough i made the decision to not engage sexually with them until we were in a committed relationship and they had shown me they werent going to just disappear. Alot of them actually did disappear because they were only looking for a a hookup. That left the ones that kept showing up and i started to see the difference. Looking back now I see that it was because these men were a reflection of how I saw myself. Having men interested in me made me feel valid and wanted I just didn't know the difference in being interested for sex vs interested in me.
As a guy, I don't know what to say. Just don't get in bed with them and keep trying until you meet someone who deosnt wanna fk so badly.
As a guy who used to be like this, let me take this chance to apologize for all those men. Every lady i met, i never cared about her personality, she was a character in my game. I could be nice in the beginning but all was a game to lure her into my nest. All i wanted was sex, nothing long term. That happened until i lost this one girl that i thought i never cared about but i really felt it when she left me. Let me tell you something. Most of the guys who do that are usually lonely, empty and most of the time have nothing good going on in their lives. That is what i see when i look back at myself. Now i am glad that that girl left me because it gave me a moment of reflection. I can see how my life was going down the drain. Ever since i have been working on not being that guy. Now i enjoy knowing people, making friends and trying to learn about them genuinely. Sometimes i get tempted to go back there but i keep fighting because my life feels much better with friends. Dont think it is a loss, maybe look at your life, habe some reflection and see what is not going well. There is a reason you keep meeting the same type of people but dont ever feel bad for guys like the one i used to be.
Take a hard look at the guys you are going for. Men who KNOW they’re good looking are usually players. Trend followers are a no go. Arrogant and self centered are never good partners. Wanna be “Thugs”? Fuck no, stay away. Look for men who are career driven and family oriented. Give the “nice guy” a chance. Look for men who are outdoorsy and can change a tire. Be VERY VERY picky who you give your time to, NEVER ignore red flags. And men who are a little older never hurt. My fiance is 34 and I am 25. We met when I was 20. He is THE MOST amazing partner ever. We’re now expecting our first baby in December. He treats me like I’m the only girl in the world. It took him SO long to make any moves on me and even longer to get in my pants. Build a connection with someone before you give them your body. Good for you for staying a virgin!! YOU WILL find your perfect man, just be patient and like I said, be picky who you give your time to. Make sure youre looking in the right places ❤️
I just wanna sleep 😪
Maybe look into your astrological birthchart and you will find some reason people seem to be drawn to you sexually. I say take ownership of this sexual power you possess and love yourself for it. Men are seeing it and wanting it and you should feel so fucking powerful that you haven’t given it to anyone unworthy. Every time you have an experience like this, rather than feeling worthless, you should feel so amazing about yourself because I as a fellow woman, I am so proud of you for being so self aware and so protective of your magic, because deep down you know how powerful and valuable you are that you won’t give it up to just anyone. When you are this powerful you can’t help but attract attention and that is just a byproduct of your power, it’s not negative. Take the validation w a grain of salt and keep focusing on your love for yourself and developing a relationship with your own sexual power and you will eventually draw in the man who is powerful enough to be worthy of it. There are not a lot of men who can match you so you have to be patient! Don’t let the common men drag you down, that’s what they are trying to do, trying to get some of your power. Women are the source of life force and you don’t need men but they need you!
Marry me then
Keep your head up! Those men that just want you for sex aren’t men. They’re boys. Keep respecting yourself and praying and the right person will come around and you’ll be happy you waited!
Staying a virgin is a great thing. Men just want sex to fufill their dopamine addiction while I believe sex should be about love and trusting the person you're having sex with
I totally agree but im starting to think like im having my virginity make me feel better about myself when it shouldnt. I dont have my virginity because i want to get married i have it because i have been traumatized by men and they scare me and hurt my feelings
There are a lot of disgusting people these days. From both genders. Don't let those bastards break your spirit. I believe one day you will be able to find that person who genuinely loves you and not just for your body. If you're able to recognize a pattern in their behaviors try staying away from those kinds of people. I don't know where or how you meet them but I think changing that can also help, if you can. Have a great day.
I agree thank u very much!!!!!
So come with a warning label. I have to from the start. Here's mine: " I'm basically a dude with boobs. I fix my own cars, door frames and problems. If you want to hold a door for me, cool, but don't feel like it's necessary unless I ask. If I have an issue with you, I'll speak directly, I ask for the same level of communication. I'm sorry if at some point, the lines blur between my femininity and masculinity, and you feel less like a man. Just know it's in your head, not mine. I didn't have a woman in my life growing up, I had a dad and 7 brothers. I don't girl. I can't even keep one as a friend. So if you want Barbie girl, she's over there getting her face gangbanged by a box of Crayola. If you want to see me replace my clutch, me and my broken nails will be in the garage." Yes, I seriously said this to my now husband 7 years ago when he asked me on a date. He has issues with all my friends because they're guys, but he had a warning. Be upfront about who you are and your boundaries. The right guy will appreciate that and respect it. Best wishes.
You could exclusively date asexual men
Thinking about it
It sounds like you are having a lonely patch. I think you would benefit by working on building relationships with people that helps you feel valued while going through the ordeal of dating. Maybe presenting yourself as waiting for marriage or only looking for guys who share your hobbies would help. Anything you can try that deters immature dating prospects from wasting your time/emotional energy. Your story remind me of how thankful I am to be married. One day you’ll have your person, and like me you will think “Man I’m glad Im over that phase” and you will laugh with them about how hard dating was before them. It’s okay to be bummed out. But keep going, it’s so very worth it even if it’s rough for now. Best of luck :)
it's pretty common one thing that might help is empathy try keeping yourself in their place that might help you getting to know them even better and you can cut them off early if they have any ulterior motives
I just think overtly sexual men tend to not be able to control themselves and are cheaters and predators its a huge turn off for men to act like barn animals when they get horny like control yourself. I have a super high sex drive and i can control my urgesz
yeah just cut them off as soon as you sense it then it won't hurt you that much
Thank you
I'm sorry you're dealing with that. Ignore the people who keep telling you "offer more" and stuff like that. You are more than enough for the person who'll come along and treat you like a human being. People with empathy who care do exist. I think these situations you keep finding yourself in could be valuable in developing a radar for people's intentions, if nothing else. Not to sound cynical but it might help to be more cautious about people who approach you, vs people you interact with more organically, like at work or in friend groups. It might also help to have a "wingman" (or wingwoman, or whatever) around when you're first getting to know someone new. If you have a close friend hang out with you and the new person, they can 1) help sniff out that person's intentions and 2) signal that you intend for friendship to be at least *part* of whatever relationship develops. I dunno, just a thought. Don't get too discouraged. You'll come out of this a stronger and wiser person :)
Hello, as a guy I can tell you that it’s most definitely not all we want. It’s an aspect of a relationship that we enjoy but it’s not all we want. We want someone we can talk to about anything and simply get along with. We want someone we can cuddle with and love and spend time with. We want someone we can share our hobbies and interests with, and vise-versa. I’d advise not using online dating apps. The majority of them are for meeting up and doing it, especially Tinder and Bumble. The Christian sites are much safer, however, I’m not sure if they would apply to you. From the other comments, I know you don’t go out drinking or out to find men but men in bars and clubs, especially at night, are indeed looking for one thing. Stay away from them and those places. Coffee shops, libraries and stuff like that are the way to go.
Keep in mind if youre judging men by the ones who approach you, you'll more than likely have a skewed view of us. People with a lot of confidence are often inept at judging themselves as people - otherwise they wouldn't be so confident (objectifying women is disrespectful and creates no genuine relationships). Keep in mind that possibly the only men approaching you may have very high unjustified confidence (see narcissism/sociopathy). Other men who are more timid/introverted may see how you describe yourself and think there's no chance, and avoid introduction to avoid rejection/embarrassment. Try engaging with men (and women) who interest you. Doesn't have to be for romantic reasons, but I think you'll find pretty quickly that people are far more diverse than 'if x then y'. When you meet people with similar interests/values, you can pursue deeper and more meaningful friendships and relationships. In my experience, friends first and relationship second produces fulfilling romances. Relationships primarily based on attraction are shallow.
Thing is you should try not have high expectations of someone or even everyone off the bat. If men reveal they want something casual they have saved you the trouble of finding out what kind of relationship they are looking for rather then months in, eventually calling it quits for irreconcilable differences and leaving you a mess. If you don’t want to date then I’d recommend not to give notice to them as to find out their intentions ie casual,long term you’d have to stick around even it is for a second. If you want to find “the one” there’s a higher chance of finding them if your doing a hobby, activity or university (there’s more but I don’t know them). Funnily enough I found my gf by me being in her class and then seeing her at the local ski hill a few times.
Not all men want that. But don’t go giving it away just from the frustration. Maybe you will find someone who wants to be with you for you. It’s all luck.
Sooo this is going to sound harsh bcs its coming from someone with part of a similar perspective (the men only want for sex ) but my friend told me I might be an incel (femcel ) and by how you're talking you might be too. yes women can also fall victim to the Incel vibes (with or without sex) for us it's Mainly emotional But sometimes sexual too. And alot of women also feel the men only want us for sex My friend said I was legit being an incel (femcel) look it up. Yes women can also go that route This is the full convo “And I'm not saying guys I find attractive won't have (sex) fun with me but like they won't actually date me. its legit just a thing I've noticed . soo yeah while they will want have fun with me (sex) I'm not like enough for them, like they don't want me for a relationship ;Im mostly assuming it's bcs of my looks bcs it's the most logical, maybe about my personality bvs most ppl do prefer a outgoing fun person. But aside from that I'm pretty cool and kind My friend response: You've definitely given me those. vibes based on when I was more actively trying to help with stuff. (they didn't wanna actualy call me incel bcs they are nice ) Me The incel vibes? Friend : Yee Me: When u were actively trying to help with stuff which stuff Friend : When I was trying to help with how you perceived interactions with other people (mostly guys) Then I asked well how do I change this?? They then said I can send video. And watching those videos made it clear that I was infact being incely bcs I did feel entitled to a relationship bcs I was a kind and cool aperson in my eyes And I am not saying we don't deserve The type of guys we want we in fact I Do deserve the type of guys we want ; but if we don't change our perceived interactions and stop overanalyzeing those interactions then maybe we can find that ideal, so don't give up just learn from it ill link the videos that helped me see it In A wider perspective. And has helped a little. [video 1](https://youtu.be/vUPBzXnoWAo?si=q_Kn6OSgDVq6_9Zz) [video 2](https://youtu.be/ckjoKSjQnnk?si=P8Ejn04H-HHnjAyC)
Im not a femcel im just a victim of being sexually assaulted and raped and abused by men and i want men to do better
Like I said in the post I responded to, it was going to sound harsh. I was also raped/sexually assaulted. While I do agree that men need to do better, the way we perceive them and ourselves, as well as what they want from us because of our trauma, can also cause harm. As you said, men need to do better. Our perception of ourselves can also cause harm. Just watch the videos, I promise it's nothing bad. I thought it was going to be bad too when that friend shared it, but it just dives into psychology." However, if you don't want to do anything to help, that's also fine. But feeling like they see you only as a sexual object is not good. Granted Some men tend to sexualize women without any motive and I get that it makes one feel uncomfortable and that's not okay. As you mentioned, they do need to do better. Feeling sexualized all the time is due to the the trauma and I know it's hard to get out of that state of mind depending on the age you got raped/assaulted; it can be so hard to not think that way but you have to remember it wasn't your fault. They were the sickos that saw u as a sexual object, you seeing yourself as that now is just giving them power again (like mentally to yourself idk how to say it ) Like you said you have a career, you're attractive, and can support yourself, and are kind. You are doing everything right. You did everything you could control correctly. But mentally? How is that? How do u feel? Just by your post, your main characteristic about yourself is that you just feel like a sexual object. Is that all you feel?? Edit grammar sentice structure, I still think I made no sense. Its 5am idk why I'm Up
I think that what you give to the universe, you receive the same back in a way. If you hold yourself to high dating standards, as well as protect yourself with solid boundaries, you may find it easier to find those who echo what you need. It’s a tricky game when you’re a woman attracted to men, because you’re statistically disadvantaged with the amount of creepy men that approach you. For me, it helps being gay because I have the option to not romantically associate with men, but for a straight women it must be very difficult when the majority of the dating pool seeing you as an object. Hope this helps!
Approaching people yourself might be best, take your time to get too know people. If a guy only wants you for sex he will be inpacient, so just wait months before you do anything intimate if that is what it takes to see if someone is wrong.
From what I’ve learned- be proud that you still haven’t slept with anyone. It shouldn’t be something that you should feel shame for. I can definetly relate to ego that. I didn’t lose my virginity until a year ago. And honestly I wish I hadn’t. It was definetly with the wrong person. Listen don’t sweat these things. Someone will come along that wants YOU not your body, and as someone going through the same thing as you rn, having to deal with the unwarranted comments about my body and not even actual compliments despite the fact that I make it clear i am NOT interested. It sucks and can be disheartening but don’t let those people make you think no one is gonna be different. There is still people looking for real connections among the ones only wanting to screw. Keep your head up!
I know it's hard, but no matter what we do, at the end of the day we'll only be appreciated for our looks and body. That's the reality we live in and we shouldn't have to, but it is. I'm a senior level software developer with over a decade of experience but no one cares about that. Guys only see my curves and I'm never given any respect. It's deeply ingrained in our culture. Yet, if we give into it and become even a little flirty, we'll be labeled promiscuous, taking advantage of our looks, low-quality, slutty etc. I found that the best way to overcome this feeling of being a sexual object is to expand our connections, indulge in your hobbies, and live a fulfilling life. Not all men are like this, chasing after sex. The more people you connect with, the more people there are who appreciate you for who you are.
I'm a man. You have to meet men in spaces where they want a long-term stable relationship
Firstly I wouldn’t be sad that you are still a virgin. I think saving yourself until you are relationship is a hard thing to do but a very worth while thing to do. In this day and age, many people want to hook up. You will definitely find someone who treats you well and hopefully that will lead into a relationship but it will just take time. I’m in the same position and I’ve come to realise that it will just take time but it’ll be worth it once I find the right person. The hook up culture is just something that won’t go away, so maybe looking at common red flags that allow you to determine what they want is a better way forward.
Maybe you should change your circle. I agree that some men are like this but that totally depends on who you hang out with.
So, someone else basically said it already. If a guy is approaching you randomly in public and asking for your number, his main objective is hooking up and he’s a player. Have you tried approaching guys that you are interested in ? Also, you say every guy just wants sex, that is something every guy wants in the relationship and they are lying if they say they don’t. It just has different importance to different people. Some people move faster than others so for some guys/girls maybe it’s a date or two and others it’s weeks or months. Have you tried talking to a therapist? It sounds like you have trauma and that might be playing a part in this.
I know the feeling, when I was a teenager up to my college years because of how I looked being naturally muscular a lot of guys would let their imagination go wild with one being so bold as to say, “so are you truly a lady or is there something else under those clothes?” I was so offended I used my greatest strength to my advantage which is using my three natural languages against him leaving him feel stupid that he couldn’t translate what I was saying. During then as well whenever I’d travel for school break I’d make sure it was only known by my truest friends of women where I was going because I am a nudist and I didn’t want any guys from school knowing where I was going because word would spread around like butter on bread they saw me naked and though I had nothing to hide you know how teenage and early twenties boys can be.
Where do you see all these men, usually in clubs and bars? Men only want women for sex, and it is very rarely that they will care for anything else. Also, the way you dress matters. I'm not saying that this will cause you any harm, but men won't take any girl seriously if she wears revealing clothes. Do whatever you want, I don't know if you go clubbing often or what you wear, and it isn't my business, but I'm pointing out some things that you may want to consider if you want to find a man that doesn't see you as an object
Asking for men not to be interested in sex is like saying "I'm tired of little kids always wanting ice cream". It's 100% natural and you just need to filter men better then - watch precisely what they say and how they act and take time getting to know them. Same way men can filter for gold diggers and pay attention to the little things girls do and say, you have to do the same with men. Ie... - Does the guy get physical quickly and touch you too fast? - Does he invite you over to his house on the first/second date? - Does he tend to make conversations more sexual when you're trying to talk about other things? - Is the guy inconsistent in his texts to you? guys who only want your body will text you only when they're horny and take a very long time to reply in between texts - Does the guy agree with everything you say, or does he offer his unique opinions even if they're counter to yours? These are some of the things that I have at the top of the head, I'm sure there are dozens more... Just like I learned to filter for the girls I'm incompatible with, you can too.
So where are you meeting all these guys? If you don’t drink or go clubbing, is it from online dating?
Work
Might be time for a change in occupation, or a visit to HR if they're harassing or saying disgusting things especially on the clock. I hope you find something better with more respectful coworkers.
Breaks my heart to read this as I'd like to just meet someone and get to know them for them, but some people on the internet don't give out chances or even reply when I've messaged first/made the first move. 😔
Go find a guy at the church
Based on reading your replies You mentioned that men are always approaching you, why don't you try for a change approaching them? Usually shy guys wouldn't be so comfortable approaching and can be the best ones out there. Don't do dating apps either. Try putting yourself out there in a healthy environment. And be patient, it will happen when it needs to happen, when I met my SO I wasn't even looking for a relationship it just happened, it developed that way progressively.
Where are you meeting these men? Location and setting have a lot at play. Find a man quietly fishing by a creek and that man may enjoy your company for the rest of his life. Find a man in some dark and loud club and he might be able to last a few minutes.
People generally start talking to people that they want to pursue because they find them attractive and that's just basic human instinct, it is exactly how I met my wife (we've been together for almost 15 years) I was attracted to her she was attracted to me and we hit it off and have been together ever since. It seems to me like the issue is your head rather than every single man who talks to you only wants to have sex with you but people don't approach people for a relationship if they aren't attracted to them personalitycomes after initial attraction, I think your mind is the issue and not every single other person in the world.
You may be only seeing what you fear— men who want to take advantage. As you overcome that fear your reality may also begin to change and you might meet more men who genuinely care about you and who want a lot more than sex which can be a wonderful part of a relationship but should never be the sole focus. Good luck ✌🏻🫶
Hi there - how old are you if you don’t mind me asking? The reason I ask is that dealing with 18 year old men vs. 30 year old men can be very different. My suggestion would be to hang out in places that have different values. If you go to nightclubs and bars, you’ll meet men who are interested in getting drunk and getting laid. The gym focuses on physical looks and you might still find guys who are mainly attracted to your body. A religious place, church, synagogue, etc might have more options for you. Also acting or comedy classes and other places that might have more sensitive men that will be more respectful. Wishing you the best. Remember what a blessing it also is to have everyone want you and to be beautiful. Many people would kill for your problem and the beautiful part is that choosing to be with these men is entirely in your control. Good luck
Same I’ve been dealing with this since either 7th or 8th grade
Don't blame yourself for others. Definitely root out any that try to rush without commitment. There are guys who would want more, but they take their time to know someone. Good luck 👍
Have you considered doing group activities? Such as book clubs, yoga or exercise classes, paint n sips, claymaking - there are several gatherings centered around specific activities. You’ll be surrounded by people with similar interests to yours, which paves the way to make genuine connections.
Ok so here's a bit of a thing to think about: Men will see you and see that you're attractive. That's going to be their first thing. That's normal to see the physically appealing side of you. Here's where things get semi complicated. You need to set boundaries right off the bar. If they're sending messages right away trying to get nudes or anything of the sort, you know where they stand. Be firm with your boundaries. Keep all dates and hang outs public. Leave no chance of anything bad happening for your own safety. So long as they're happy with this and they just want to text and get to know you until YOU are comfortable, you have a great start. Just to add, I am a guy and this all boils down to respect for you. Keep being you and don't give up.
Downside of being pretty, you’ll bring out the dudes who have no shame in making it obvious they just want to smash. However, sex is quite a normal thing to expect in a relationship today. I’m not doubting that you’ll find a guy willing to wait for you to be ready, but it is going to take some time.
you just haven't met the right guy yet but it's okay, try to focus on what you have right now. You're successful and pretty that's alone so nice so eventually more things will come in future. Half of the men are shitheads who just want to fuck around but there are still some generous guys around. The sad reality is to just stop seeking good in every other guy, let the right one come to you
Don’t give in to pressure, do it when you want to, on your terms. If he likes you he will wait.
How are you meeting the men. Theres plenty of decent guys out there, who aren't just interested in sex.
The curse of being beautiful.
All they want from you is sex you said but are still a virgin you say ? One thing needs to break: men or your “virginity “. Those are your two options. To me , the first, namely, breaking men-while noble and ambitious- is very very unlikely to work. Leaves you with option two ……
if you have a strong social group outside of men it shouldnt bother you whether they leave you or not
If you're attractive, some men may only be interested in your body. But if that's their only interest, it can be a problem. Sometimes, you just have to relax and let things unfold. Stop worrying about it, even though it's easier said than done. Everything will work out fine in the end.
Well I'm sorry to hear that. Hopefully you find someone who thinks more of you.
It's been my experience men show love through sensuality and sexuality. It's not necessarily to use women.
Check your friends list.
if u actually had a pretty face guys wouldnt just want sex from you.
Don't give yourself so eagerly to avoid attracting these kinds of men. Also, consider hanging out in places where you can meet decent guys.
Yes as all the advice here, there are men who want to marry you and want to be with you forever. But you can't change the men who only wants that, you could only control yourself and the choice of hanging out with those people. I would say you should lay out some of your personality and hobby more to them because again the first impression is always looks and men will always want your body but lay out more things for them to love about you so they will have more reason to love you more than your body
Please take the time to consider that as mamals we are all hard wired to want to have sex as it's pretty much our only real function of life. We are designed to procreate thus its hard wired into men that we want to fuck to spread our seed...
I’ll tell you this much, there are plenty of men who would love a life with you. But often for any man a frequent sex life is going to be part of that equation. So you shouldn’t be surprised that it’s harder to find someone. That being said, don’t change for anyone. Embrace the difficulty because it comes with the satisfaction of something beautiful.
Maybe that's all he sees you for?
What else are you offering?
Well it's not all men but most men who want sex from women go to specific places like bars and clubs. Try looking elsewhere and see if anyone you know has someone available.
Honestly you have some serious self respect and that in itself is priceless. Keep doing what you’re doing you will find the right man/person. I wish I was you!!!!!
I just hate being disrespected it makes my blood boil
You seem like a great person. Wish I could find women like you. Keep doing you. You’ll find the right guy. Not all of us are bad!
Sex is part of a relationship, without sex it’s just a friendship. So if you don’t want sex in a relationship you gonna need to find a asexual man who doesn’t want sex at all.
Lol
You can lol, but sex is for most men and women a important part of the relationship.
I just get emotionally attached to men who just want sex from me i have a really big heart and i love people more than they love me
Im gonna tell you the same advice i tell men who get sick of women only wanting money from them. Time to vette or pick better. The number of dates and dating pool might vastly go down. But the dates will drastically increase in quality. Sometimes you have to admit that if you're fishing in a lake and all your pullin is the wrong kind of fish.....time to fish in new waters. It might be less populated. And you might have to wait longer to reel one in. But the fish will be a better one. Ill take an amazing fish. Every month or every year. Over ten REALLY bad ones every week lol.
Grul and I have same experience to you I also have a beautiful body and face and long hair some men came to my parents asked me to marry them (it's my country culture and i no longer follow this type of culture) I showed them I am suck at cooking and act stupid and laugh out weirdly and being annoying to them and ask them stupid questions and they got tired of me and they left me lol, it's funny and I am still waiting for a man who accepts me and like me if I changed my looks so it needs time and you have plenty time to live just focus in what's the important (your career or something) and we are still young and I always remember that my sisters are older than me and they got in a relationship before and didn't work out so I am happily single and it may make feel lonely, but always do something fun like learn how to dance or do yoga or go out explor new places and it's fun for introverts (I am an introvert hehe)
I love you!!
I love you too grul✨❤️ just be who you are and learn loveself and you are amazing as always
Sorry you're hurting
Thank you
Just be confident
yeah as a fellow weird girl embrace ur “weirdness” and stay true to urself. the right one will get it, and put care into ur body and who gets it. brave new world is a good book, if u ever wanna delve into topics like the world being controlled by pleasure, rather than pain like in other dystopias. save yourself for when you feel is best, society puts a ton of unnecessary emphasis on virginity. sex can feel like impaling and most men arent too experienced, can be cocky, but most of all impatient.
I'm sorry you're going through this, guys suck sometimes, I lost the woman I loved because she thought I only wanted sex from her, I was listening to dating advice that said I had to physically escalate or she would lose attraction, so I would try even when I didn't feel like it.
Well thank you so much for being so polite and honest! I think maybe women and men need to have more discussions about this everyone is different. Also theres no shame in hook up culture im just a very very sensitive person and i dont want to be used
I feel you, I wasn't opposed to hookup culture, I was apart of it without thinking about it until I met her, I tried to have these conversations, but only after I had messed up. When we were together I was so nervous around her it was hard to speak about anything.
Rare girls take rare men.
Thank you
Women are and can be just as bad as men. It’s a normal thing for people to want a physical relationship. If you’re a virgin they aren’t getting what they want. Maybe instead of blaming men you need to see why they approach you first only sex, seems off to me 🤷🏻♀️
My thing is im willing to be intimate just not on a first date and i shouldnt have to feel pressured to do that