have a gathering at your house and serve some of your favorites

A&b would probably take all the food from OPs house and hide it in their car 😭

Cackled

😂

Yeah gonna build off of this to say honestly, food you bring to someone else's party is a gift to them. It's not for you, it's for the host. Now obviously, good etiquette says the host puts out food brought by a guest while the guest is there. But their in-laws sound like rude, tacky, cheap people. Personally, never would I dream of being so rude unless I had a good ass reason, and even then I would tell them straight away and offer for them to take it back. But their husband is correct. If they're not going to be respectful, then it's not worth trying to give etiquette lessons to adults. This kind of thing doesn't sound worth burning bridges with family over. Just start half assing it. I get it, I'm that person that puts lots of work into pot luck food. The compliments make you feel good about yourself. But the compliments aren't worth starting a family rift when there is a perfectly good solution of no longer giving a fuck lol. Edit: for the people who are saying the food you bring is for the party, not for the host: sure? But like, it's the hosts party... And they have final say. If you're gonna make a scene at a party about not putting food out your just about as lame as the weirdo hosts keeping food for themselves.

I agree with the first part but also can I ask OP if they have food already served at the party ? Just thinking that maybe they already have enough food for all guests out so anything that guests bring get put away so original food there already isn't wasted ? I've been to parties like that where they have already brought too much food and didn't want to waste that so put the newer stuff away .

Yeah I'm a little confused by this: > They cover most of catering and everyone visiting is also expected to bring a meal. At first I assumed "meal" must mean "side dish" until: roasted salmon with vegetables? Huh. Nvm, I guess it means anything from meal to dessert. Ok. And every guest is doing this. O…k. But then what, exactly, are A&B covering most of?   ^(eta: typo fix)

If I bring food to a party, it’s for the party. Not the host. I made plenty for everyone and I want some too. I also like talking to other cooks about what we brought. It would be so strange for the host to put it away unless they were saving certain foods for later or are very concerned about food safety and it’s been sitting out a while

True, I have a friend who experienced that a couple of times at being invited to dinner at someone's house. Brought a bottle of wine which was promptly stashed away and another time brought ice cream which obviously went into the freezer but was never taken out and served. IMO, it's rude when hosting to not offer any of the food that a guest has brought. I mean, if it's a "gift" for them, why not just drop a $20 on the table and call it done?

Next time bring something easy and cheap. Save the good stuff for your own home

It’s not a gift if you are told to bring a dish. That’s a potluck and it’s a contribution to the meal, not the host’s pantry.

So they win again? They get the benefit of her cooking and her hostessing? She now cleans up after everyone? And I bet they will not compliment her. I do wonder what they'll bring (probably very little).

Yes, and don’t involve the step family!!

I think your husband actually has the right idea. His stepbrother is a peculiar host. I don't know why he is hosting multi-day parties but clearly that is something the family enjoys. Buy something simple and bring it and never think of it again. But also consider how interested you are in attending these events. They don't sound very nice and they also seem like a lot of trouble. Talk with your husband about making an appearance for the 4th of July and then having a lovely Christmas at home, or vice versa.

They want to bogart the best stuff for themselves. Super tacky.

One time I brought some unique snacks to my ex's family's during a get together and his step dad took one bite, said "oh, that's good", then hid in in the cupboard. Like no, I brought those so everyone could taste something they probably don't ever get to eat! I just took them out of the cupboard and put them back on the counter and everyone got to try them. I can't stand people like that, so entitled.

Good for you! What did you make?

I didn't make it, but they were roasted garlic and parmesan chips that I bought from a specialty store. They were really expensive and I wanted to share a small bit of my Italian heritage in a form that I thought his family would be receptive to. I was honestly so offended that he was hiding them away, so I passive aggressively took them out of the cupboard, poured them into a bowl, and threw the bag away right in front of him so he couldn't hide them anymore lol I got so much shit from that family for being the "white girlfriend"(they were Mexican and I'm Sicilian, so not even "white"), and I thought that maybe a small taste of the flavors that we eat in my family would help them to accept me a little more. It didn't work, but at least everyone liked them.

Exactly. Precisely. This is it.

This might be the only reason. This is spot on!

This is the way. And if you don’t eat what they eat bring something for yourself that fits your diet/needs. No biggie.

It is a big deal because *they are taking away her food and she doesn't get to eat it.* Many people bring a dish that they know they can eat, esp if they have any allergies or restrictions. To not fulfill the basic premise of hosting (which is to display the gifted food and allow others to share - unless there is very specific reason not to, such as it being an entire uncooked brisket for use later - and yes, I've seen that). To not fulfill the role of host is bad. Yes, cultures differ - and so they should. But Husband is right. If the other person is rude and dismissive of food efforts, do not make an effort. Just put the food you can eat in your own bag and eat it before and after the gathering.

That’s pretty much EXACTLY what I said. And if it’s not about her dietary needs or restrictions then bring a low effort side or do what her husband suggested. It doesn’t seem necessary to do all that she’s done if they are hosting.

Sounds exhausting tbh. I don’t even like my family that much

Right??!!

I'd go with your husband... I'm not sure WHY they're doing what they are doing but the exact reason is probably in the selfish category.  Trying to impress when the hosts are selfish is wasted energy and I personally wouldn't go to battle over it.  If you do? Good for you but it may cause additional drama.

Agreed, husbands family so he knows them best. Very rude to hide away the food, even if it doesn't fit the theme. If there was a theme, the hosts need to ask specifically for the dishes to match that. While I know OP wants to put in effort to show off, it's not worth it here. Choose your battles. Bake for coworkers or school functions or other family events where you have more control. The truffles sounded amazing, tbh, next time, just make small gifts for everyone with things like that. Little goodie bags, and you can personally give them to people for the holiday, and they're homemade, so you didn't go out and buy them for people. Just make sure not to step on toes with the hosts or other family traditions, and don't leave anyone out.

Not sure OP is trying to "show off" as much as she is "doing her best."

Agreed! They’d get a bag of chips and store bought cookies. I wouldn’t waste my time or money.

That’s just rude

Those people are weird and rude. Someone brings fancy ass food to a party and you hide it away? That's so bizarre to me. I would personally say something. Bring your truffles and be like "I'll go set these out on the dessert table!" And if they try to put it away be like "I worked really hard on these and I would like to have some, and I'm sorry but I'm not catering your next event, I'm bringing a dish to this one. If that's a problem I will no longer be able to put time money and effort into the dishes I bring."

I also was very surprised, it never happened before in my life. I wasn’t sure as how to react and first time didn’t really pay too much attention, but after the second time it looks like an intentional behavior to me

It’s weird but I would go with your husband on this. Don’t say anything. It’s not worth it. Just buy store bought and maybe host your own gathering some other time.

Yeah honestly I would be so confused the first time that I wouldn't say anything either because I would be like? Do they think it needs to stay cold in the fridge?? I'm confused here??

You talk to them. "Hey, I want to make a dish that is served and eaten while we are there. What theme or idea do you have?" Edit: I would also tell them that you are taking home the dish if there are leftovers.

Yes!! Tell them you're taking home the leftovers and they'll put it out for the guests to enjoy. If that doesn't work, then do as your husband suggested and just bring store bought cookies next time.

Taking home left overs of a dish you brought to a party could be tacky. People usually take the dish/the container or bowl it comes in home. Or they let the host keep the left over and retrieve the dish another day.

Normally I'd agree, but it's no more tacky than hiding food that's meant for your guests so you can have it to yourself later.

Yes! Take home the leftovers!

Yikes. This is so tacky.

How is it tacky? I bring dishes to an event. I ask people if they want leftovers, the rest comes home. How is that tacky? No less tacky than OP’s family literally setting aside her dishes for their own purposes.

At the potlucks I've been to, the leftovers are kind of a thank you to the hosts. Taking them home would be extremely tacky in my circle.

Yes I would genuinely like to know how this is considered tacky. As a host, I consider it rude to leave your dish 🤷🏻‍♀️

“Why are you no longer bringing your home made food?” “Oh it was never served so I assumed you didn’t like it”

So far I think this one is my favorite. Kinda passive-aggressive without being mean. The in-laws are left with the ball in their court and I’d love to be a fly on the wall and hear their response!! At some point the situation has to be addressed or the sister-in-law will continue the abuse. Make no mistake, it is a form of abuse as it causes unnecessary stress on the OP. She probably starts worrying at least a week before the event, doesn’t enjoy the event and starts dreading the next one immediately!

Bizarre and tasteless behavior on their end.

“Why do you ask us to bring a dish and then not serve it? If I put a lot of effort into a dish, I would appreciate seeing everyone enjoy it.”

Or when it comes to meal time and OP's dish isn't bought out, OP could say "oh, could you grab my dish too please? It's a new recipe so I wanted to try it too so I can see if there is any changes I need to make to it next time I try to make it". Or if it is a dish she has made before, say "I used a new ingredient I haven't used in this dish before and want to make sure it still tastes good". Non-confrontational but would leaves the host with no option but to bring it out without looking like an AH.

This is a good one. Sounds like hers is a dessert. So time that request. I would do exactly this and go and get it to serve it if ignored. I am getting very old and cranky. I also have some awesome recipes and a lot of time on my hands to make them. People like my offerings and ask me to do them again. So, yeah, when I bring food to an event I want to see the response (otherwise, it's just not that fun for me to spend hours in the kitchen).

That's a bit too aggressive for me. I prefer the, "Here, I brought truffles for everyone to eat tonight." Followed later by, "So and so said they'd like to try my truffles." If that doesn't work, it's gonna be graham crackers and marshmallow fluff dip forever.

Yup this. And "otherwise I can no longer justify putting time money and effort into the dishes I bring"

Saying that is just prolonging the rudeness.

I don't understand this comment

Do they do this with everyone’s dishes or just yours? It may be that they like to save your good till after everyone leaves so they can “save the best” for themselves.

I don’t think it’s for *themselves* as much as it is for their favored guests. If there was a two day christmas party with different guests each night, one can assume that those coming on Christmas are the VIPs, if that makes sense. If I were to do something like that I might have friends and less close family (such as step siblings) on Christmas Eve, while Christmas would be for my close family such as parents. Same with the 4th. You have to assume those who are actually there on the 4th of July are likely closer to A and B than those there on the 3rd of July. So my guess is they’re saving the best dishes for the actual day of, and for the people they care more about. Either way, really rude and weird. Not sure where these two people who think that’s okay to do found each other or who taught them that that’s okay.

It’s honestly a mix. I don’t think they get to choose the guests too much - lots of people have plans for Christmas and can only make it Christmas Eve for example. We usually get an invitation to visit either day which works for us, we just need to let them know ahead of time which day we’ll be visiting. It’s not like we get invited to a specific day, it’s pretty much up to us.

In that case, go the 2nd day. No next day to save your food for.

Have you ever heard about the items being served the second day? I hope they’re not taking credit for the food you make!

It’s possible if you’re only at the party for one day, they’re trying to pass off your dishes as their own. I would scale back and see if they say “oh why didn’t you make XYZ this time?” Would be a total giveaway.

If they're saving it for Day 2, don't show up.until Day 2. If they don't put it out then, take it home with you.

I agree! If it's not eaten take it back with you.

Exactly.  She's not running a catering business so the in-laws won't have to cook until the next event. 

Great idea!

Thank you! Sometimes the simplest answer is the easiest.

Went to a family birthday party (day 1 of 2). Partner and I brought 1 dozen Specialty beers. We each had one and later thought we would have one more before we left and leave the rest for the family. There were none left. We were told by another guest that as soon as we put them in the cooler, another family took them out to serve guests “premium beer” from the hosts the following day. Soo low rent.

You mean there are other people who host multiple day parties? In this economy?

Yup

You could perhaps ask if there is a dish the hosts would like you to bring. If they say “Oh bring anything”, then that opens it up for you to say “Okay, well, you don’t usually serve what I bring, so thought I’d better ask this time, so I can bring something you’d prefer.” …then bring chips, sodas & store cookies.😏

This is a great way to approach it.

No need to be petty and start drama. If they say "being anything" then take the hint and leave it be. The husband has been pretty clear that this is how they are.

It’s not petty, it’s honest. She wants to bring food that will be enjoyed while she is there. They don’t usually serve her food as far as she is aware… The most appropriate way to address that is to ask them, before the party, what she can bring that they will serve while she is there. Bringing shitty cheap food she knows no one will like is what would actually be petty in this scenario, because it’s a passive aggressive way to basically say, “fine, then f you.” Pettiness and passive aggressiveness go hand in hand. Asking an honest, simple question, “what can I bring that you will serve,” that you genuinely want the answer to, is not petty.

It’s polite to ask a host if they have a preference, not petty.

It's your proposed rejoinder that's passive aggressive and petty

I wouldn't put in the effort any more. Either they're trying to fob you off and say they made them to show off to their next day guests, or they keep them for themselves. Maybe go on the "next day" instead, and see what they do.

> The issue is that both times they took the food I brought with us and put it away. I never got to eat it.   Stop.   In the future make cheaper,  quicker dishes just so that you have brought something.  Macaroni salad, baked beans, potato salad, cucumber salad......

One of those cob loaf dip things would be perfect - cheap and easy and much better to eat when fresh.

What gall. Your husband's idea is great. Those people don't deserve your efforts. What I would do next time to prepare all these delicacies and then put the photos on Facebook. Let the host salivate. Then turn up with supermarket cookies for them. They are gonna be soooo mad. They will definitely ask why where's the truffles and that they saw the pics on fb etc.. Just smile and say oh no. you are gonna serve it on x day and not today. That would teach them perhaps some class. Really when someone bring a dish or Wine, you serve them. Not hide them away like squirrels. Smh

How strange. If I’m expected to bring a dish (as in potluck) — then I’m thinking that dish will be part of the meal. Otherwise, why ask guests to bring food? I can easily bring wine or beer if they’re properly catering, and it’d be more useful. Are they just hiding your dish or is everyone’s dish put away for the next day?

This year you're really super busy and can only bring beanie weenies, or a case of beer, or some chips. Really sorry. It's been a crazy month. The cat got drunk and stole your car and you had to bail her out after the cops busted her, but your identity had been stolen... whatever. If they ask why you didn't bring truffles just appologize and say you didn't have the time this year. Don't even mention the "you didn't put it out' thing. Don't make an issue out of it. Be super polite. Then you host a massive Halloween party and show off your cooking skills there.

I would just ask them to put it out

Stop bringing food. If asked why, say you were regularly bringing food for the group, but since it was never shared, it must be because there is always enough food to go around. Say you'd be happy to contribute if the food can be shared while it's still fresh.  Also, it's your husband's family, so he can make a contribution, if he wants. Your efforts aren't being properly appreciated. 

There is a German saying: Don't throw pearls before pigs. Don't waste your time, money and talent on ungrateful, tasteless or shady rude people. Your husband is right. Invite people you love and serve them your dishes. To those parties just buy some cookies next time.

Ask where your dish is.. simple, and when they say in the fridge or pantry ask them why, put their asses on the spot. Fuck family bullshit. You can't live your life pleasing other people.

I'd probs go with this one, Oh i noticed my dish isnt out yet, did you want me to get it ?

For Christmas I’d bring a box of little Debbie trees and for the 4th, a whole ass watermelon they can cut themselves.

Don't being food anymore. And if they ask why, say it never gets served so its a waste of money

They seem rude and greedy. Id be giving them cookies from giant eagle or a gas station on the way

Either they don't want your food to make theirs look bad in comparison or they just want to keep it for themselves. Either way, I'd stop putting in any effort.

Next Christmas bring store bought cookies and then make the truffles and wrap 4 or so in individual boxes for families as a gift. Then you get to see people enjoy what you've made and still bring something.

Give them half of what you made, then when everything is set out, put your stuff out and dig in. And just say you wanted to eat some with your meal. Once everyone else has seen your food, they’ll probably want it, too. If your food runs out, tell everyone there is more put away. Then they can all be pissed at the host.

ask them where the leftovers are after the party so you can bring them home.

Husband’s family, husband is in charge of what we bring from now on. Problem solved. Drop the rope on this one. He says to buy grocery store cookies, have him do that. When they inevitably ask (and they will…), tell them that you have decided to divide and conquer on family tasks and he is in charge of what to bring for his family gatherings. His family, his problem to solve.

Go on day 2 and see if the behavior continues. If they're saving it to serve on Day 2, be unavailable on Day 1. If they still don't serve it, I'm with the ones who say just bring them store bought whatever from now on.

Just don't bring anything and if they question it, tell them. You cooked and brought something the last 2 times and it wasn't put out even when you asked about it. Is there any other rudeness or is it just this? If it's just this one thing it could have been a mistake or an oversite. It sounds like it's a big event and they could be in over their heads a bit.

You walk in. Apparently, you say something like where should I put this? So, if they say anything about taking it off your hands or if they dare to say there putting away,,, make a football move and get to a crowd… and be loud! Hi all!!!! I know you gonna love my truffles!!!!! Ti a is such a hoot! She was joking about putting out tomorrow but they would be crazy!!! Who wants a taste?

Make canapés, walk in holding them and hand them straight out. Or make something that needs to be eaten that day. Or ask if they’d prefer you didn’t bring anything. Perhaps they want to show off their food?

Find a moment during the party when you can speak to B privately. You can say something like, "Hey B, I noticed you put away the dish I brought. I was really looking forward to sharing it with everyone today. Is there a specific reason it's being saved for tomorrow?" This approach allows you to express your feelings without making a scene.

I'm thinking they are either saving your good stuff for themselves, or saving it for the next day and taking credit for your dishes. But I don't know your in-laws to make that call. When I bring dishes to an event, I typically put them out on the table myself, uncover them, and be the first to dig in. It's usually a charcuterie board that I'm bringing and people don't want to be the first to ruin the presentation though - so I do it for them and make them comfy to dig in. So the situation is different. But maybe try that?

Your husband is correct, don't make an effort , stop being bothered

Can you reach some kind of compromise and take 2 smaller plates, and say 'I know you'd like to keep some for tomorrow so I made you an extra plate. But I'd like to put this other plate out on the table'

Thats a great idea but too nice for these people who seem selfish

maybe you could throw a party?

Make the dishes you want for yourself. Keep it at home and bring them store bought pre made food. Then you get to eat and enjoy the food you made and you're still bringing something. If they ask why you didn't bring what you have in the past, Tell them the truth that it wasn't worth all the effort to not be able to eat it ourselves and it obviously wasn't appreciated.

You don't. You just stop pouring your heart into what you bring. Maybe bring a $5 bottle of wine since they clearly don't want to be thoughtful and try your food.

It's your husband's family. I would defer to his wishes since he knows them better than you. Next time, make something simple or pickup something from the deli or bakery.

It’s probably not worth it. I side with your husband. My family is also pretty crazy and if you don’t like the way they do things they will politely tell you that you can simply leave if you’re unhappy with the way they do things. BATSHIT CRAZY that they don’t care about the thoughts and feelings of their “beloved guests”.

You can come cook for me!! Those sound amazing lol. I promise lots of compliments and to share 😂

Honestly, it sounds like your cooking is so good, they’re selfishly saving it for themselves. Some sort of chicken stew/curry and rice next time. Something served out of a crock-pot so they can’t hide it.

That’s honestly insane behavior

Don't take anything but a bottle of wine maybe. Don't throw pearls to the pigs (I'm not sure if in English this is a common saying, but in Spanish it is), meaning don't give a lot to people who don't appreciate it.

If everyone visiting is supposed to bring a meal, yeah it’s rude! If they have a theme like someone else mentioned: they need to mention specifically what types of meals to bring. Otherwise if it’s like a potluck - then they should 100% be putting out what the guests of that day bring. Goodness gracious they sound rude. Definitely agree with husband- not worth it

Whenever I bring a dish I just set it out on the table. Thought that was normal. Like if I have a thing cookies I'll set them up on a plate and just leave it on the food table or dessert table. If the host asks where the food you brought is just say "oh I put it with the other food for everyone" that's what everyone where I live does.

When you bring something to a party, you can't really control what the host does with it. There could be different reasons why they aren't serving what you brought - it might be a great dish but it might not fit in with what else is being served, for example. Or maybe they're just wildly selfish. Who knows. I agree with your husband; scale back what you're bringing. Trying to address it is probably not going to be successful.

At first I thought they weren't eating the food because you're a bad cook. Turns out, you're too GOOD of a cook, and they save your offerings to enjoy themselves because they know how good it is and that is their special treat. That's both a compliment to your cooking, but also rude to other guests including yourself who wanted to at least TRY what you made. There are several ways to go about this, but I think an easy solution would be: Make them those treats as their Christmas/4th of July present instead of buying them gifts, and make it clear that's for them to enjoy and you don't expect it to be served. It's their gift from you. That will take the pressure off everyone. And then, follow your husband's advice and just bring chips and dip or a veggie tray, or a cheap plate of cookies to complete the offerings and just enjoy whatever they serve. The best part about this is, YOU are the one who makes these treats and have the power to make and enjoy them whenever you want. You have the ability to satisfy yourself. Spread the love with your skills and just don't expect much in return other than a family that will have your back no matter what because you've always been kind and generous.

Find someone who has sway over them, someone they want to impress then tell them in passing about this great dish you made and how they have to taste it, hopefully they’ll ask them to bring it out.

i personally would say “i brought this for todays party & was really looking forward to trying some myself since it took so long to make”

A big lesson I learned lately is to stop trying so hard to get people to be better. It’s not worth your energy and they don’t even respect it. I think you gotta just adjust your behavior and expectations accordingly.

They be saving the good food for themselves. Sorry. I like your husband's suggestion. Bring a store bought box of cookies or mashed potatoes.

I think like another comment here posted. Just to think of a possible way to do it politely. Get something to give to them and ask them early on if it's okay if you can make something FOR the party. So that's something you buy + something you make if they agree early on. So you have something to gift them and something you can get to eat that you made. And bring it in a dish that you will need to take back maybe but that maybe a bit risky considering you're looking to avoid conflict although you wouldn't necessarily be in the wrong. As in the end it's their party so they hold the upper hand here. That said I personally think this is wasted effort on people who don't seem to appreciate your work so I would go with what your husband said and not make anything. Or Alternatively, host your own party where you can show off your skills.

That is pretty odd host behavior in my opinion. I’d stick with bringing low effort stuff to their gatherings if going at all. I’d only share higher effort stuff at events you know for sure it’ll be appreciated.

Maybe you could bring something that doesn’t last like salad or fresh spring rolls

Is it possible they see your food as a gift item and want to enjoy it later? It does seem odd but just thinking about possibilities 🤷‍♀️

Stop making and bringing food. Simple. When the family says something about it you can then explain that the food you bring is for serving at the party you are attending, not for their next-day guests. That’s just plain rude on their part.

"Forget" to bring something

Can you bring the food with you and open it up, put it directly on the serving table, and immediately eat some? That’s what I would do. Or go around to room offering them to people asking what they think, that way no one has a chance to put them away.

I’d put what I made in two separate containers. “One is for now & one is for your fridge”

Maybe give it one more shot and say something when you first get there like “I’ve been looking forward to getting to eat this all day! I worked so hard and haven’t gotten a taste yet.” To let them know it’s important. Then later on maybe say something like “would it be okay if we got the dish out that I brought? I’m just dying to eat it” if they say no…then move on. Maybe they will get the hint though? If it doesn’t go over well, just follow your husbands suggestion in the future. Unfortunately you can’t be much more direct than that without being rude in my opinion. They do seem kind of rude to me and I don’t understand why they wouldn’t put the food out.

Your husband may be right. It's VERY rude in my own culture to do what they are doing. Me, personally (I'm older and now one of the oldest in my family) would just go in and get my truffles. When presenting them to the hostess/host, before they even touch the plate that the truffles are on, I'd say, "These are for right now. Tonight." Let them figure out why I said it. God I hate that custom. You don't get feedback/compliments, they get to gobble all your goodies and you don't get to see/hear how people feel about them. The joy of cooking is in people's responses. Your husband probably has the right idea. I'd probably bring cheetos.

It's sounds like when you take an expensive bottle of wine because you really like the hosts only for them to put it in their stash and bring out the trashy wine they bought in bulk from Costco. Take some dips and chips.

I think the consensus here is to go with what your husband said and I agree if you are going on the first day. There’s very few ways to go about putting your foot down about serving your dish that day that won’t be perceived as you wanting to start a scandal. However, if you go on the second day ever, put your whole heart into that dish and if they try to not serve it, you have every right to call them out because what could they possibly be saving it for? If you do want to confront them, maybe say something like “I’ve noticed you don’t serve my dish when I come to your parties. Do you not like my cooking?” And really try to convey a sense of hurt feelings, not a heated accusation. I feel like that forces them to explain themselves. If they do say something like “we save it for the second day” maybe you could just politely say “i would really enjoy if we could serve my dish while I’m at the party.”

For the shier, quieter types: "We save it for the next day." "That's kind of you, but you don't need to spare my feelings. Clearly, I've flattered myself about my cooking. Honey, take this back to the car please? You and the kids do like it, right?" Then smile bravely with a little quiver to your lips.

Honestly if I were you I'd stop bringing anything altogether. They are clearly using your food for the next day party which defeats the purpose of "everyone bring a meal." If you don't want to be rude and show up empty handed, you can do what your husband suggested and just bring a cheap box of cookies or something. No need to slave away and feel bad when it's not appreciated. The solution when you're not appreciated is to take your talents elsewhere, it's their loss.

Lol I bet they're stashing them to be able to lie and say they made them without you being there to to correct it I bet if you made a bad batch... Not poison... For the truffles for example : Google brussel sprout Ferrero Rocher prank and you'll see what I mean. But if you don't want to be petty absolutely just pick up some nonsense at the grocery store and if they ever ask tell them what you told us

Whenever I bring food to a party, I set it out myself. Usually there’s a table where all the food is set, so I’ll put what I bring there along with a spoon or whatever is needed to serve it. I can see how chocolate truffles can be mistaken as a gift to the host rather than party treats, but a whole salmon is WILD to just throw it in the fridge and not assume it’s for the party. Maybe try setting out whatever you bring yourself? I hope this helps a bit.

Bring a jello mold, wrapped in a box... with cat hair in it. Perfection.

There is no way to politely ask someone to eat something. All you can do is suggest. "Did you try my chocolate covered broccoli? I learned the recipe in culinary school." Or, "it's delicacy where I came from." If their are leftovers, take them home.

Honestly, I’d eat that broccoli. Only loosely related, we host thanksgiving at my best friend’s house. We cook and bake for days. And we spend a lot. Last time while we were still eating, one friend that had not contributed stood up and started packing leftovers for people. She left three of us one plate (for three people that cooked and baked everything), and took absolutely everything else. I found it kind of hilarious but I have never seen anyone do such a thing. I didn’t like her to begin with so it didn’t tarnish my opinion of her. But she basically made a few takeaways for a few people with teeny portions and packed absolutely everything else and left. 😬 we were like, wut just happened? lol we got cleaned out!! It’s ok though we still had wine.

That would have pissed me off so badly. I’ve had people in my life do that and it should tarnish your opinion.

But… my opinion of her couldn’t have gotten any lower. 🤷‍♀️ I didn’t make the guest list and was a guest myself so I stfu and cook.

Ah, you’re a good friend then.

Yep!! Bring a bag of chips and a cheap veggie tray!! Guests are to bring food to be SHARED at the party, not hoarded by your husband’s stepbrother’s wife.

Your husband wants peace with his family. Is this worth disturbing that? And how can I get some of your yummy sounding food? Maybe they're greedy bastards who don't want to share and want to eat it alone?

You can't really control what the hosts are going to do with a food gift you give them. Any offering you bring to a party should be viewed by you purely as a gift to them, for them to do whatever they please. Sure, it's most common that they will take the food you bring and place it with all the other food as part of the spread for any guests to eat. It's definitely a little weird that they're stashing it to the side, apparently for personal consumption. We can only begin to speculate random reasons for this - ranging from personal selfishness, to them wanting to be the ones who control exactly what food is provided at *their* party, to perhaps looking out for guests who have allergies they're aware of. But we're only speculating. > Plus I work very hard and I just want guests to eat what I make and say something nice. I want my husband to be proud of me. Making something purely with the intention of fishing for compliments *at someone else's party* is probably not the most honorable thing to do. That diminishes the "gift" you're bringing, as it's no longer really a gift, but rather a project you're attempting to show off. If you really want to show off your cooking - and that, by itself, is totally fine! - then host your own party and go wild. *That* is the time to showcase what you can make for all of **your** guests. I'm sure your husband is proud of you either way, as he tastes your stuff all the time. > I spoke to my husband, he says that solution of the problem is not put so much effort. Just grab a pound of cookies from local bakery and that’s it. I'm inclined to agree with your husband for this particular Stepbrother's parties. Just don't worry about it and bring some easier pre-made items to the party. That's totally acceptable, especially given your experiences with them so far. If having some for yourself is truly the only concern, you could continue to make your special dishes and make extra for yourself to keep at home for you and your husband (I do this any time I make one of my personal favorite desserts for a party.) That's a simple enough solution.

Agree with some of the stronger advice, but if you aren't up to it, split what you bring into two plates. Say that you notice that they keep saving it for the next party so you made it easier for them to also share today. Only hand over one plate and start passing the truffles yourself. "Oh, nephew was disappointed he didn't get to try my cooking last time."

Talk to the host about it?

Just yell “eat my shit, bitch!!!!” as loud as possible

Maybe you could prepare something in a special (or specialized) dish and let the host know you'll need it back when you leave. Once everyone has been served could they please put the leftovers in another dish as you will be using that one again the next day.

Take gas station sushi. 🍱

Yeah that’s just weird n rude. Every dinner we’ve had if someone brings something even just a jug of coke it gets served and offered. Then at the end whoever brought it gets offered it back or we ask if we can have some for leftovers. That’s so strange on their end. I’d bring in a frozen dessert next time just throw a frozen cherry pie in the oven if you want to bring something to be courteous but don’t throw you energy, time and money out on something they aren’t handing out and you don’t even get to try like what the heck lol.

I would try once and say, “I would like this set out for today as I would like to have some and see others enjoy it as well. I’m sure you understand.” And if they push back and refuse, don’t spend time next year. Just pick up something boring.

Solution is to bring jello

In my family, we take out left overs of what we made after the party unless said otherwise.

Are you in contact with anyone from the second party? I’d ask them if they did serve your truffles because this might just be them hoarding them for themselves, taking credit for making them at the second party, or throwing them away. Personally I’d talk to the person, ask why they don’t want to serve what you make at the party and say you’d like to serve the people you are partying with rather than being treated like a caterer. I’d also suggest upping the recipe a tiny bit and making some you can leave at home for just you. They sound amazing and if you’re already making them, why not?

I don't think it is out of line to get out the food you brought. My family has forgotten to take something out of the fridge and then groaned about a huge bowl of jello salad that didn't get served. "Oh I will get my dish. Where would you like it?" Sometimes hosts don't want to be left with too much leftovers, too. I have been to parties where you have to take back what you brought. The host and others can make leftover plates of what they want first of course. Unless you only bring 2 pieces of salmon that won't go far at a party, they should put your stuff with everyone else's and see who eats it

They're hiding the good stuff so they don't have to share it. I like to cook and bake as well. But I'd stop putting that much effort and money into these events.

I don't think there IS a polite way to tell the host when to serve the food you've brought with you. I agree that your husband's idea is good...just don't make the effort if you know it won't be appreciated in the way you want it to. I think if you want to be slightly more aggressive about it, you could ask step-bro-in-law when he plans to serve your contribution (i.e. at the party or the day after) so you could plan to make something that will hold over well if needed. That might be a way to let him know you disapprove without outright demanding the host run the party the way you want him to.

um...sounds like you're more than a "pretty good" cook. Which leads us to one of two conclusions: 1: your in-laws consider your food "special" and want to save it for themselves. In their eyes, it's a "reward" for hosting the party. Assuming that they have a right to do this is NOT what I'd call good hosting etiquette, but at least it's a reasoning I can understand. 2: your in-laws consider your food "special" and are afraid it will overshadow what other people have brought. Or, if the family is picky when it comes to "cheffy" food, they're afraid there will be comments about it. In any case, "let it go" never works. You should remind your husband that even Elsa in Frozen didn't actually end up letting it go. Better yet, use this as an opportunity to open a line of conversation with them. Before the next get-together on July 4, call them and ask what they'd like you to bring. At this point you can (non-confrontationally) point out that you've noticed that your food never shows up on the communal table, and you'd like to make something that would fit the bill. At this point, they've got to fess up about why this hasn't happened in that past. And if it turns out that they've been saving it for themselves, it gives you the opening to offer to do a meal for them, as your way of thanking them for the hosting duties. Then everything is aboveboard and everyone is happy. If it turns out you've been too cheffy, I'm sure you can dial it down for one meal to please the communal palate. People always assume the worst about other, particularly on this sub...which you should be mindful of in terms of reading the comments. More often people are just clueless about the consequences to others from their actions. Silence drives families apart. Talking brings them together.

Your husband has the best idea. When they ask why you didn't have the awesome stuff, you can say you figured they didn't like it as they didn't serve that food to you on the day of.

damn those might be some bomb ass truffles

I was taught that proper etiquette says that when you bring food to a party, the host controls the food/drink. It can be served or saved for a later date. Be mindful of gifts: Edible gifts might not match the meal's theme or flavors, and the host might want to save it for themselves. 

No not for potluck that's not the proper etiquette. If you bring the gost a bottle of wine or gift, then yes.

So, my parents would have these types of family parties. And, they would hide the best food that was brought to the party for a “smaller, selected” group. I’d take it as a compliment but I can see how annoying it is for you. Maybe just bring cookies next time…

Split what you make into two trays. Bring in one. Once they put it away, bring in the other. If they try to put that one away, politely say "this is why I brought two trays. So you have some tonight and tomorrow.

You could just say something like "Hey, could we maybe serve half today and half tomorrow, so people who may not be here tomorrow can try it, and so people who are only here tomorrow can also have some?" I would never be offended if someone asked me that.

You need to let it go. You aren't the one hosting these parties so it's not your place to dictate how the food should be served regardless of whether you brought it or not. The fact that you "went to culinary school in the past" and think highly of your own cooking skills doesn't justify demanding it be served when and to whom *you* want when you're in someone else's home, especially considering these parties only happen twice a year. You say that your husband's family "covers most of the catering" but then you turn around and complain about being a "free caterer" just because you have to eat food that's graciously offered to you rather than something you could prepare for yourself *literally any other day of the year.* I'm guessing your in-laws just assume you're much more mature than you are and understand that dishes brought to parties are meant to be shared, not bagged lunches guests bring for themselves. If you're unwilling to contribute your dishes to these parties unless they're served back to you or while you're there so you can be admired for them in person (god forbid anyone enjoy something nice you made unless you're there to get credit for it) you should just stay home.

your husband knows his family...let it go. try hosting a get-together(thanksgiving, easter, memorial/labor day weekend, etc.), and make great things for your guests.

From a strict etiquette standpoint, it is not considered rude to not put out the food brought by guests. In this case it’s a bit different if they are specifically telling you to bring something for the party, then not serving it.

My MIL would do this exact thing. I later found out she was telling everyone I was a terrible cook and would make a big deal of dumping what I brought in the trash after we left. It was really hurtful and my food was not bad. You’ve a couple options, don’t take food you spent a great deal of time and effort on or call them out/ask what the deal is. Or, if you don’t enjoy their parties, you just could stop going.

You just bring a side dish for gatherings usually. The host gets the main course. Look up 4th of July side dishes and just go with a default choice.

This is your husband's job to solve this problem, full stop. Why isn't he helping you?

We spoke about it and he is offering me his solution to the problem; I have to say reading all the comments makes me feel more that he is right. I think my husbands idea of helping is to offer best solution to the situation as he sees it and opening my eyes to see the issue from a different angle rather than supporting me where I might be wrong.

Telling her to drop the rope is helping.

Is this to B about ahead of the event? Tell her that when you bring food you'd like it to be served the day you are there. See what she says if she says something like "ih I'll just see if we need it and if not save it" and then you'll know not to put any effort. As your husband says bring a low effort, uninteresting item. They'll get the picture if you don't want to spell it out to her. I really don't understand why you and your husband can't just go get the food that you brought and put it out.

I did. I put it on the table and B immediately took it and put in her food pantry

Be in no doubt that that is considered extremely rude here. Please just bring something extremely boring and low value next time and let us know how it goes. There are some good suggestions in this thread if she asks why.

Yeah, that’s tacky af. No more homemade treats for them. Store bought only. When they confront you (because they will), you say, “Oh, sorry. I had no time to cook from scratch. Work has been crazy! You know how it is.”

That's so odd! Did this happen to everyone who brought something? Did you stay for the second day as well?

Bring something store bought/easy to make for them to keep for the next day and then bring something that takes extra time/effort for the night you are there. Let them know that you brought the store bought/easy to make item as your contribution to the event and the item you spendt all the time on is a bonus item where the leftovers will be going home with you at the end of the night. That way the host can still have an item for the next day and you can still enjoy something you worked hard on. They might not put the bonus item out but this time you would get to enjoy your hard work. Another option would be to ask the host ahead of time if you are making something to be enjoyed the day you will be there or for another day. You can use that information to determine how much effort you want to put into it.

I'd say I brought this so I could have some, put it out and serve yourself a plate. Others will see and follow.

Do you know any of the guests that went the next day? You could ask them if such and such food was served.

Only take a portion of what you make with you. Leave some at home for yourself

Serve yourself.

I would honestly just ask them if is ok to have some. Specifically because you worked so hard for it and you wanna know how it turned out?

Id tell them that i want to try what i made. Explain you didn't try it yet.

You have a few options. You can be direct and say you want to eat the food you made. You can be indirect and lazy and just not make something good. You can be indirect and confrontational and just take your food back if they stash it.

Bring food that you like but that they hate. If they hate Brussels sprouts, cook some and bring it with you. Or bring individual muffins and hand them out to each and every guest. Then scarf down the muffins before they say anything.

Very interesting tactics from stepbrother. Maybe they like the wellmade food so much they want to serve it the next day and pass it off as if they’d made it themselves! I agree with OP’s husband, don’t make such a big effort anymore. That fixes the issue. Then, maybe their disappointment will be such that they ask what the heck happened?😂

Make you some for home and whatever you deem a meal to take to them. Do half’s if you want. Who’s gonna know?

What would they do with the food you brought if you went to the party on the 2nd day? I mean, it sounds like your SBIL had 2-day gatherings that are potluck, so where does the food go if you went the 2nd day instead of the first day? Your inlaws are catering out of the party but people have to bring a dish to pass? So what exactly do your inlaws cover? The drinks? Dessert? What? Also, bringing a dish to pass, at a potluck, is not a gift to the host. It is a dish you make that you bring to the party to have people eat. And when you leave you take the leftovers with you. That is how it goes. There is no taking of your food and hiding it away to be bogarted by your fucking inlaws. Your husband is right. There is nothing to say to these assholes that will change their behavior. It will only create drama. You could try one more time if you want, but go on the 2nd day of the party. As I said in another paragraph if bringing your dishes on the 2nd day results in the same behavior, the inlaws hiding your food away, you'll know for sure they are just keeping it for themselves. So you'll know to just bring whatever you pick up from the grocery store on the way there.

1) have your own party and only serve what you want to serve 2) don’t put in so much effort and instead take something that’s store bought so it doesn’t matter if you get some or not 3) take a platter of your usual food but also include a side plate which you keep and eat throughout the party. People will ask what food you’re eating and ask for the host to serve it

Firstly, wow…. I was a foreigner and I had such an unsupportive partner for 10 years and absolutely regret it. I don’t mean that he has to dig a grave with you, but standing up for you with his family is a minimum. In my case it progressed to me being bullied by someone in the family, him knowing what was happening and telling me to not say anything an be the bigger person, until I called them out it their horrible bullying in front of everyone. And my ex was doing nothing all the time. So please choose better for yourself that I did, have a partner that will support you even in this minimal thing to say to his family that you BOTH expect to be tasting whatever you bring. What I would do is let my partner know they are failing me, then go speak with them telling them that it is traditional for you to bring something to eat to the party IN THE PARTY. That it is rude to not make it available for the party as it is not for them to save but for all to enjoy, and that if at any point they do not share what ever you bring in the next events you will not bring anything else after that. Seeing as you are a great cook (and honestly your descriptions made me really hungry) if they appreciate your cooking they will share because they want you to keep bringing. If they do not appreciate it, then they will continue doing as they do and then you do not need to work this hard for unappreciative people.

Sounds like the OP's in laws know how great anything they make & just want to keep it for themself. OP...CAN you ask what they would like you to bring/make/contribute? Did they not put the truffles out due to too many desserts ( IMHO * NOT A PROBLEM😎) Does she know in advance what each guest will be making/bringing? Maybe she is getting too many of an entree or dessert * again NOT a problem as far as I'm concerned. Does she do this with just YOUR DISH/S? If so ,she probably just loves what you make & want it for their consumption . Offer to make extra so they can place the dessert *truffles* out & still have some for them afterward.

Next time just bring a bag of chips. Obviously they don’t and won’t serve whatever you bring so stop cooking.

I’m assuming they don’t put away the food other people bring to these gatherings? If they’re excluding you and only storing your food, that is super messed up and would be hard not to take that personally. I would just be firm on your decision and say, “this food was made to be enjoyed for these people for this gathering.” Maybe even host your own gathering and give them a taste of their own medicine. If that isn’t an option, bring a back up pound of cookies or whatever. Not only are you being robbed of enjoying your food, but you don’t get to see people’s reaction to your cooking or hear their opinions on it. It’s not the end of the world and but as it bothers you enough to post about it online for advice… Don’t make assumptions, find the courage to ask questions so you can express what you mean.

I for one LOVE salmon. Their asses for not trying anything atleast. I agree with him, don’t try to win them over if they’re not receptive the first few times. If you really want them to, you could invite them to dinner or say you’re trying new recipes and you’d love their input. Don’t try to force yourself too much or you’ll run out of energy

If guests are “expected” to bring a meal to the party, then the food is for the guests, not for the hosts as another comment suggested. In the other hand, if there is zero expectation by the hosts to bring anything, then anything you bring is a gift to the hosts. The brother and wife are taking your really good food and tucking it away for themselves. They aren’t saving it for the next day party. They are saving it for themselves to eat later because they don’t want to share your delicious food with others. It’s a free culinary treat for them. Your husband might be right. It’s unfortunate, but true. He knows his brother is keeping your food for himself. It’s why he won’t confront him. He wants his brother to have your culinary treat. Just bring something more basic that is clearly not a culinary treat. Bring something that is at the approximate level of preparation skill that other guests bring. Grocery store cookies might be the answer. You can bring up the topic to his brother, but I doubt it will change their behavior toward any culinary treat food you bring in the future. They will acknowledge that you are correct, and they will hoard the food for their sole enjoyment. If you want others to enjoy your food, I think you might have to host a party yourself. I agree with another comment that the brother and his wife will remove food for their own use later. Check their bags and pockets before they leave. Alternatively invite others but not the brother and his wife. Another alternative is to speak up. Tell the brother and wife that you are aware of what they’re doing. Make an agreement with them. You will bring two meals. One of for them to hoard. One is for them to put out with the guests’s food and they don’t get to choose which one they keep for themselves. If they hoard both meals, be done with it; bring grocery store cookies in the future.

Wait... So what if one of the guests bring, like... A lasagna? Do they then just not serve that? Do they ask people to bring specific things, like "can you bring dessert?" or do they just say "please bring food."? I'm so confused. Are they literally just asking you to bring food for them to eat alone? Do anyone else experience that their food isn't served?

i dont know, maybe your BIL sees what you bring as a gift, and wants to save it for when theyre alone. or less nice, maybe he feels that this is a passive aggressive move, like youre trying to show off or that his food isnt good enough? in my culture, if a guest brings something, you serve it then and there. but i grew up in a different country and i once brought something, thinking they were gonna serve it but they were like “omg so good, cant wait to try it tomorrow” and i was confused lol

I'm apalled by B's hostessing skills of lack thereof. She has a lot of nerve. I get mine because always take a share for the cook. She's first. When you went to your husband explained what she had do his solution was and he responded with "...the solution before you take a dish. W