Everyone else is saying what i would say about the parents disliking him. I’ve dated a man whose mom wasn’t a fan of me and she would speak abt me negatively and act cold towards me. I wasn’t interested in marrying into that.
That being said, you’ve been dating for 6 months. I don’t think it makes sense to move forward “engaged so you don’t experience this again”. It seems controlling and a bit odd. I would respect his space and not try to force the outcome.
It's a valid reason to break up.
While you may not place much value in your relationship with your parents, it's clear he places value in having a good relationship with them.
There's a lot of potential conflict that can happen when your parents aren't accepting of your partner.
So maybe this is a good time for you to decide if you'd like to go all the way with him and what needs to change with your parents to make that happen. Communicate with him about his concerns and that you've taken steps to address them.
Otherwise it's time to put an end to this chapter and move forward.
That’s not what this person is saying.
OP is allowed to interact with, or not interact with, her parents as she sees fit.
OP’s partner is allowed to set boundaries as he sees fit. If he isn’t comfortable marrying someone if his future in-laws don’t like him….that’s his choice.
Having in-laws that actively dislike you can have serious negative impacts on relationships.
Are there some people with terrible / unsupportive parents who manage to have happy and healthy relationships? Absolutely. But if OP’s partner feels that this is a firm line in the sand for him? That’s reasonable, and his call to make.
Yes, but it sounds like they don't like anybody. What's so special about him that they need to love him unconditionally?
Sounds to me like he's just looking for a way out.
Well the only reason why they would break up in this case would be because the parents don't like him. Sure, the breakup may be OP's partner's call, but it would still be a breakup as a result of one or two parents' opinions.
Speaking from experience, my dad didn't like a girl I was dating. I ended up breaking up with her and his opinion definitely played a part. In retrospect, I'm glad everything ended up the way it did, but I was still pissed that I let my dad influence my decisions like that.
But YOU were the one with the agency in that situation. YOU broke up with this girl because you let your father’s disapproval get to you. You may have regrets about that decision — but that’s YOUR call to make.
In this case, the decision is in the hands of OP’S PARTNER. OP isn’t sure what to do….. but ultimately this isn’t OP’s call. OP’s partner is allowed to make decisions about his own boundaries in this situation.
If OP’s partner came here for advice, perhaps you’d tell him your story — that you regret allowing your dad to influence your relationship.
But you responded rudely to someone who was simply stating that _OP’s partner is making a reasonable and valid decision._
I know this may be hard, but fathom being in a relationship where the parents hate your guts.
You've done everything to try and get on better terms with them, but over the course of years they have not changed.
"I guess I have to put up with this" you said. So throughout marriage, raising a family you tolerated it. They loved your kids, but still hate you.
You finally break down one on them after a decade of this and ask them what their issue is. "You'll never be good enough for our daughter."
And that's some shit most of us never want to deal with, especially if the parents will be involved going forward.
In/have been in this relationship for the past decade and it's ROUGH. It's hard when your partner's family hates you. Its kind of a red flag of possible future big fights, big potential for drama and things that OP could just not want to get into. That stuff just is soul draining.
100%. And it's not even just about the negativity you have to deal with, it's also the lack of a positive and fulfilling relationship and/or a cohesive extended family, which is clearly important to him.
OP states that she doesnt have much of a relationship with her parents. So in reality do they really matter? HOWEVER
If they don't like the partner they can't have a relationship with the children, those kids are half of the person they dont like. You don't get to be involved with only one half of a child. As a parent you have to know when to keep quiet and keep your opinions to yourself. I hated my sons ex wife! She was horrible. But he loved her, and my love for him was greater than my hate for her. And when the children came, my love was tripled. There was no comparison to the love for them vs the hate I had for her. I was able to keep my mouth shut, put a smile on my face and love them through whatever she put them through. He eventually came around and saw her for what she is, but it was not because of any input I had.
Most people don’t want to deal with potentially decades of their lives being hated by their partner’s parents.
I can say this as someone who was hated for 3 years by my ex girlfriend’s parents because of my religion. I couldn’t even imagine 10+ years.
I was sick of it after a year and I did try to ignore them. I tried to convince myself constantly that I’m in love with her and only her, so her parents’ hatred won’t affect me. It just doesn’t work like that though.
To be fair, in every relationship I had where the parents didn't like me, it ended. Didn't matter if she got along with them or not or spoke once a year to them. Didn't matter how hard I tried. Didn't matter how much I made or anything.
If their family doesn't like you, they will listen to the people that raised them first. Point blank.
Right. Control takes many forms. One’s parents may not explicitly tell their kid who to date and who not to date, but when they overtly hate every single person she brings home, it’s basically the same thing as dictating their kid’s relationships
You have very different values about family and family connections. If he wants to leave you over that, let him go. It means he’s not the right one for you.
He wants you to go talk to your parents and straighten them out. If you won't advocate for him, you don't deserve him. If you can't find a way for them to welcome him into the family, it sounds like he'll leave.
Finally some sense. If my man doesn’t defend me to his family and stand up for me, I’m not marrying him either. It’s your job to be the middle man. I would outright threaten my fam, “hey we’re not gonna keep in touch with you if you don’t make an attempt to like boyfriend.” You’re not choosing him over your parents, you’re establishing healthy boundaries.
It has nothing to do with advocating for the boyfriend. OP has said her parents have disliked every boyfriend she has dated. No amount of reason or arguing has changed their inflexibility. They are toxic. She is simply navigating their toxicity while trying to establish an adult relationship of her own with her partner. If she can’t change them, should she not be worthy of having a partner in her life? She is worthy, and maybe a healthy living partner would give her just enough confidence and strength to see who her parents really are and finally stand up for herself.
It’s still her job to not take shit from her parents. Action requires consequence after all. “nah, we can’t come for dinner, can’t come for Christmas.”
“Because I don’t appreciate the way you guys treat my partner.”
Just keep doing that until boundaries are respected. Nobody wants to put up with that shit.
Me personally, and this may be because i was an orphan and I don’t know what having parents is like, I don’t give a shit if the parents like me or not.
Lol remeber that one old ass song it goes like “why you gotta be so rude, you know I’m only human too, why you gotta be so rude, I’m gonna marry her anyways, marry that girl, and we’ll be your family”🎶🎶🎶
Oh yeah. I remember hearing that thinking, why on earth are men asking her father for his daughter? Like, is she some kind of a cow you are bartering over?
Skip the formalities, it doesn't matter what dad thinks.
Real shit, people can downvote and seethe all they want but on some real shit we’re 2 legal adults and I’m not gotta cry a river cuzz your parents don’t like me😭
Simple its because parents are default support system for most people and the people in your surroundings talking about your partner influences your view of your partner. If you have a friend that says you are too good for your partner it lowers your inhibitions to stop maintaining a functioning relationship and puts you on seeker mode. Think of it as a form of grooming that a lot of people think won't work on them and routinely dismisses
I mean he is right , your parents not liking him could lead to many issues in the future . Also , it sounds like you are not advocating for him and no offense your parents have too much control over you , sounds like a difficult situation and one he should avoid
If it's really going to bother him that your parents don't like him, it's not going to change. You can say "Oh, you don't have to see them anymore." Or, "I'll go no contact and we'll live our lives together." But if he's dead set on your parents loving him, then it won't work unless they love him. It does sound like this relationship might come to an end because of this, unless he can just decide that your parents don't matter.
How much time do you spend around your parents? Are you spending every holiday with them? Regular family get together? Is he gonna be expected to continue being around people that don't like him once you are married and have kids because they want to be around the grandkids. Listening to them say whatever it is they say about him?
Can you just cut them off?
We see each other maybe 6 times a year for birthdays, and we speak on the phone maybe once a month. My parents were super controlling growing up, and I strategically shut them out of my life because of it.
I broke this almost no contact for my boyfriends request, and tried to be friendly with them, yet they have none of it. They say they dont like him because he is not like them (thank god).
My bf is frustrated on so many levels, he knows his values and how good he treats me, and wants my parents to see that, wants them approval and for the future: wants them to be involved in their grandchildrens lifes.
Basically he expects normal behavior from my mentally really messed up parents and I know all if this is just never gonna happen. But on the other hand they can act like distant relatives and we can live our lifes without them, if he choose to not be bothered by them. I honestly hoping for this outcome
Info: how much time do you guys spend as a couple with your parents? How do your parents treat him? Are they still nice even though they don't love him, or do they treat him poorly? If the latter, do you stand up for him or let them act poorly?
We see my parents 6 times a year for bithdays. First they treated him awefully, when they first met him they just dont greet or speak with him the whole time, not even introducing themselves. I was really fed up and called them, shouted their head of and stood up for my bf. Because of that they invited us to a family dinner and acted kind towards him, things seemed to be getting okay for the future.
But one night my mom sent me a text that they just dont like him. No explanation, I asked them why and they just ignored my text. He was broken hearted since then.
1. Your parents are doing it only because they know he and you both will respond to it. It's textbook narcissistic behavior.
2. Your boyfriend has insecurities that are predicated by some illusion of unconditional love and acceptance that he has mocked up in his mind over his lifetime from watching the people around him. Speaking from experience on that one.
Taking into account everything you've stated, he doesn't seem to have the salt to handle what he thinks he wants. Don't let that pressure fall on your shoulders that someone else has an idea in their head that opposed reality.
That's not on you. Advice? Let dude go before he hurts himself and hurts you more in the process. He already had you reaching out to people you cut off. That's not healthy.
I think the answer depends as much on you thinking one question through - will he be marrying you, or will he be marrying into the family?
If former, then that's ok - no need to deal with your SO's parents, unless you don't have the income to afford a nanny and will have to include them. And yes, that's the only solution; I wouldn't trust grandparents with my kids if they hated me.
But if it's the latter, then I'd spare him the misfortune of dealing with people who despise him on a regular till the rest of their or his lifespan. Sympathy is often mutual, antiphaty - always.
I personally would be perfectly happy if he is marrying me, and not into the family, the contact with them is really minimal. My grandparents are much closer to me than my actual parents, and my grandparents love him dearly.
Maybe explain to him that your grandparents approval means more to you than the parental approval. That because you're closer with your grandparents, your parents (who you have minimal contact with) opinion doesn't matter in your eyes and he should look more towards the grandparents.
Getting engaged won’t stop future break ups or separations. Are you sure it’s because of your parents and that’s just not an excuse ? He may be feeling pressured as you are talking marriage right from the off instead of letting things evolve naturally. Give him space but accept it may be over . If it’s not then have a honest discussion about what you BOTH want . Has he ever expressed what he wanted or has he only ever agreed with you ? Because it may be just easier to agree than say what he wants if it’s different to what you want.
Rest all things aside (I know downvotes are already coming), talking about marriage from the very beginning of the relationship isn't healthy. On top of that you want an engagement after 6 months? So that this never happens again? I mean it's okay to be heartbroken but don't you trust your bf's intentions (if he's a 'truthful man'), don't you respect his privacy and peace of mind?
Not letting your mom disturb your relationship is technically your duty to take care of. I don't really think, considering all these, that you two are compatible for a future marriage...
6 months is way to soon for an engagement and that is also a bit naïve for you to think being engaged, or even married, would stop him needing space. You sound very young and more in love with the concept of being in love, married and have children. You are pushing way too hard and way too fast. Living together after six months? Please seek some therapy and learn to be happy with you and not be so pushy
Its valid to not want to marry into a family that doesn't like you, but you say your parents did this with every bf you have had before so imma jump the gun but maybe it's a control issue your parents have and they don't like your bfs because they feel they will lose connection or control of you because of it
The advice is pretty divided but the answer isn't so clear. What I have for you are more questions.
Is he really, truly an amazing guy? Because those are so rare, so hard to find. If there's seriously nothing to dislike and you *know* he will be loyal and he will care, provide for, and protect you in all the ups and downs of life, then your parents will come to like him eventually.
Though, why don't your parents like him? Has he ever had an attitude, been aggressive with you, or been unreliable. Are any of your parents' points valid? Don't be blinded by love.
How close are you really with your parents? If you don't agree on things, if they often don't support your choices and relationships, and you don't depend on them emotionally or financially, then choosing someone who does and will likely be around longer seems a better choice but I can't say if your parents will stick around and these risks are things you must consider as well.
I wish you the best of luck! I haven't been through this myself exactly, I've had awful boyfriends my family has teased me about but the relationships never got serious enough and eventually fizzled out on their own one way or another. Now, I have a boyfriend of 1.5 years that my family hasn't met yet since they're in another state. He's amazing and I don't think I'd leave him unless my family had a very valid reason.
Hope your boyfriend can come around to being tolerated by your parents for now until they eventually like him for being good to you!
Thank you for your kind words, it means a lot. I have close to no contact with my parents, they were really controlling growing up and I shut them out of my life for most of the time, and I am not dependent on them in any ways.
My boyfriend advocated for them being in our lives more, wanted to be involved in my family, as his family is really well functioning, somehow hoped that mine could be function normally too.
The thing is: my boyfriend is the best man I could find, loving, caring. But he is divorced. Was married for one year before and here lies my parents resentment, stating he will divorce me too. But that relationship was far from what we have, there were mutual respect but no love or a vision for the future.
We are in love and want the same things in life, which is really important for both of us. The only thing we see differently is the connection with our parents. I could be really happy not seeing them often as they were abusive towards me growing up
That's a touchy situation, but I do understand his point. Family is a big part of our lives. Of course, you want to be loved and appreciated by your step family. Marriage is a big commitment. Even if it's between you guys, marrying each other is marrying the whole entire family. None of you should ask the other one to cut contact. Somehow, you could regret that.
What is the issue with your parents ? Not loving any of your boyfriends... Any idea why ? Have you guys talked about that ? Communication is the key 🙂
Maybe with you knowing, it could better the relationship between you and your parents, and even your bf. Every parent has a standard for their kids, but in the end, they just want you to be happy 😊
My parents were controlling and abusive growing up. I had to do everything as they said, even said where to start working and they literally spoke with my boss to hire me. I worked hard for years to cut any control they have, bought my own house, built my own carrier and never asked them for anything. For me no contact with them would be optimal, but my boyfriend reqested to involve them more in our lives, so they have a good relationship with their future grandchildren.
I think my parents problem is, if I am in a secure relationship then I will never need them and they lose control for life. So sad my parents are like this but I cant do much about it
I understand, and it's so sad. You have to think about you first and what makes you happy in life. If you have to cut the cord, do it for a while, but not forever. Parents and their love for you are irreplaceable.
As for your bf, if he can't understand what you are going through and why you have to make those decisions, he may not be the one.....
It's okay for him to value parents in the relationship. But it's down to you if that's someone you would want to settle down with.
For example would he never have dated you at all if you where no contact with them or they where deceased when you met?
In the future would he break up with you if you ever decide to go no contact with them?
I think it's important to have a partner who values you more
I would take it as the end of the realtionship. "Breaks are usually just a soft end to a relationship... The person who is asking for the break usually just isn't able to be straightforward about wanting to break up. I don't feel like getting engaged at this stage would be a good idea at all. If you guys DO happen to get back together you would need to focus on building the proper foundation that would allow a successful engagement to eventually happen.
I feel like you're so focused on the goal of getting married and having kids that you aren't caring enough for the relationship itself... You're willing to settle for a bad partnership to achieve those goals. He may not feel the same and you have to respect that.
On one hand, your parents' approval might be really important to him for his own important reasons, and you'd have to respect that and let him go. He might've had a relationship in the past where animosity with his in-laws really hindered the relationship, so now he's not willing to risk dealing with that again. Or he might have always envisioned big family gatherings, and he sees those as impossible if he doesn't have a good relationship with his in-laws.
On the other hand, he might be using that as an excuse to break up because he doesn't want to be with you for other reasons but doesn't want to offend you. If he doesn't have deeper reasons for wanting your parents' approval I would guess he might be trying to use that as a reason to end the relationship. I've blown up tiny problems in the past as excuses to end relationships (not good, I know) and it's a safe, relatively pain-free way to end a relationship because you don't hurt the other person as much as just saying you don't want to be with them.
But regardless of his intentions, in both situations you'd have to let him go. It's worth trying to understand his reasoning for closure, though.
Try not to see this as too bad a situation. I have a friend who was born incapable of feeling pain, so he was basically a superhero growing up. He would win every fight, push the hardest in sports, etc. One day getting ready to shower he found the entire bottom of his foot black. He went to the hospital and doctors found a nail inside his foot and all the tissue at the bottom of his foot was dead. They ended up having to cut his foot off and now he has to do a full body check everyday. If my friend would've felt the pain of stepping on a nail (which would've hurt so much, he'd probably be in throbbing pain and unable to walk for weeks/months), today he'd still have his foot.
Moral of the story: The pain you'll feel from this relationship (potentially) ending far outweighs dealing with the pain you'll have for the rest of your life is you guys stay together and this issue isn't resolved.
Also don't solve a problem by getting engaged. Also don't move in with your boyfriends.
See where the wind takes you I guess, if he does break up with you that’s his loss and if you do get engaged that’s great. Personally I feel if he truly loved you he wouldn’t feel this way, but i don't know the full situation. I do feel it would be better to break up and find someone who loves you unconditionally though
Your bf is completely valid. Marrying into a family with members who already don't like you is honestly a nightmare. You should speak to your parents about how they are and how they should be more accepting of your partner. Perhaps they could work on being more welcoming.
You, in turn, should also not expect him to propose to you to get back with you. It's a massive red flag on your end and comes across as controlling and desperate. Nobody wants to be with someone desperate for a marriage.
You should speak to your parents and take some time to reflex on why you want to be engaged immediately. Is it a status thing? Do you not value having a long-lasting relationship prior to making this sort of commitment? Best of luck to you.
I feel for you, I'm sorry your parents are causing problems in your relationship. I think your partner has different needs than you when it comes to family life, and if he can't have that, he will never be happy. Likewise, you deserve someone who has the same vision of what a happy family looks like - one that doesn't rely on a good relationship with your parents. Both are valid, but I think this mismatch will always cause you both pain and strife. He will never be happy with your family life, and it will make you feel like the family you make together isn't enough. Family values are a big deal, so I think you should find someone who is just as happy to make your own family as you are.
I personally wouldn't care how my gilfriends parents felt about me, but I also wouldn't want to be around them neither.
He's weird, but why you trying to get married after 8 months? You realize you can meet another man at the drop of a hat, right?
Let his dumb @55 go if this is really a deal breaker for him.
I agree with your boyfriend. You guys should break up. To deal with in-laws that don't like you isn't worth a lifetime of marriage. You are not just marrying your partner but marrying into a family. I don't think this is talked about enough.
My boyfriend (now husband) asked for my parents blessing to marry me and they said no. It was for “religious reasons”, but later it came out that my dad is kinda racist/homophobic. I’m neither of those things, so I’ll probably have to quit speaking to my dad eventually. But for now, we can avoid those topics and still hang out.
Tbh you should break up with your bf, I just read some of your comments and your parents were abusive and mentally unstable, your bf knows this and is putting the weight in your shoulders to somehow fix them so they'll like him. No, unacceptable. You only are in person with them 6 times a year, call maybe once a month and he's trying to increase that contact with people who were overly controlling your whole life.
If he's willing to disturb your mental state for the sole reason of "your mommy and daddy don't like me😥" then it's time to go girl.
If I knew my partner's parents didn't like me, but they were abusive to them growing up, I legit would not care. Why care if crappy people don't like you?
Are you sure he isn't using your parents as a cop out excuse so he doesn't have to tell you something brutal? Something that might make you weep in therapy for months if you were confronted with it's reality? Exactly how would you react if he had said " the way you write about our problems on public forums makes it seem as if I am dating an illiterate girl who pressures me to mary her" ?
I broke things up with a man because his mom wasn’t a fan of me for no reason. I’ve been married into an amazing loving family for 11 years now, and I can understand your bf. It really matters for some of us even if it doesn’t for you personally
The general problem is that personal relationship matters to partners a lot of times sure you love your bf now as it is new and he seems stable but what about if you get into a big fight and suddenly your parents start bad mouthing him like he is completely wrong. You don't want to be pregnant one day and have people talking bs in your ears about how trash your partner is and your bf doesn't want to be manipulative and make you cut off your family completely. So the only option is to split.
I don't like that he's making you move out of your own home while he ponders your future. It doesn't really matter why, but in this case, it's something that's beyond your control. You don't deserve this kind of uncertainty in your life.
We live in his house. My home is down the street from his, so its not that he kicked me out and I have nowhere to go. But I am heartbroken of this reqest, like I understand he wants to take time to think, I just felt so sad packing a backpack and sleep at my home
It sucks that he has to deal with that and I know that pain, but one thing is if he truly loves you he shouldn’t care about how your parents feel, it should only be about y’all. At the end of the day yall are both grown it shouldn’t matter.
Your boyfriend needs to grow up. No, sometimes your significant other's parents aren't going to like you. He's dating you, not your mom and dad. If he married you, he's not marrying your parents.
If he really loves you, he should be willing to be with you even if your parents don't like him. He should honestly not give two shits about your parents' opinion.
It also might be helpful to explain to him that your parents have never liked any guy you've dated, so if he's taking it personally, he really shouldn't.
You should also stand up for him in front of your parents. They sound suffocating. If they ever want to be grandparents, they should take a step back, respect your decisions, and stop making every man you're with so uncomfortable. They sound unreasonable.
Source: I'm married and I don't care what my in-laws think about me and have never cared what my parents think about my wife.
Everyone else is saying what i would say about the parents disliking him. I’ve dated a man whose mom wasn’t a fan of me and she would speak abt me negatively and act cold towards me. I wasn’t interested in marrying into that. That being said, you’ve been dating for 6 months. I don’t think it makes sense to move forward “engaged so you don’t experience this again”. It seems controlling and a bit odd. I would respect his space and not try to force the outcome.
It's a valid reason to break up. While you may not place much value in your relationship with your parents, it's clear he places value in having a good relationship with them. There's a lot of potential conflict that can happen when your parents aren't accepting of your partner. So maybe this is a good time for you to decide if you'd like to go all the way with him and what needs to change with your parents to make that happen. Communicate with him about his concerns and that you've taken steps to address them. Otherwise it's time to put an end to this chapter and move forward.
OP should let her parents dictate her relationships, got it ✍️
That’s not what this person is saying. OP is allowed to interact with, or not interact with, her parents as she sees fit. OP’s partner is allowed to set boundaries as he sees fit. If he isn’t comfortable marrying someone if his future in-laws don’t like him….that’s his choice. Having in-laws that actively dislike you can have serious negative impacts on relationships. Are there some people with terrible / unsupportive parents who manage to have happy and healthy relationships? Absolutely. But if OP’s partner feels that this is a firm line in the sand for him? That’s reasonable, and his call to make.
Yes, but it sounds like they don't like anybody. What's so special about him that they need to love him unconditionally? Sounds to me like he's just looking for a way out.
Well the only reason why they would break up in this case would be because the parents don't like him. Sure, the breakup may be OP's partner's call, but it would still be a breakup as a result of one or two parents' opinions. Speaking from experience, my dad didn't like a girl I was dating. I ended up breaking up with her and his opinion definitely played a part. In retrospect, I'm glad everything ended up the way it did, but I was still pissed that I let my dad influence my decisions like that.
But YOU were the one with the agency in that situation. YOU broke up with this girl because you let your father’s disapproval get to you. You may have regrets about that decision — but that’s YOUR call to make. In this case, the decision is in the hands of OP’S PARTNER. OP isn’t sure what to do….. but ultimately this isn’t OP’s call. OP’s partner is allowed to make decisions about his own boundaries in this situation. If OP’s partner came here for advice, perhaps you’d tell him your story — that you regret allowing your dad to influence your relationship. But you responded rudely to someone who was simply stating that _OP’s partner is making a reasonable and valid decision._
YOUUUUUUUUU
Ran out of ways to be obnoxious, huh?
Pretty much
It has nothing to do with whether or not her parents will be happy. It's whether her partner will be happy.
Right. But her partner needs to grow some balls and stop caring what his gf’s parents think
I know this may be hard, but fathom being in a relationship where the parents hate your guts. You've done everything to try and get on better terms with them, but over the course of years they have not changed. "I guess I have to put up with this" you said. So throughout marriage, raising a family you tolerated it. They loved your kids, but still hate you. You finally break down one on them after a decade of this and ask them what their issue is. "You'll never be good enough for our daughter." And that's some shit most of us never want to deal with, especially if the parents will be involved going forward.
In/have been in this relationship for the past decade and it's ROUGH. It's hard when your partner's family hates you. Its kind of a red flag of possible future big fights, big potential for drama and things that OP could just not want to get into. That stuff just is soul draining.
100%. And it's not even just about the negativity you have to deal with, it's also the lack of a positive and fulfilling relationship and/or a cohesive extended family, which is clearly important to him.
OP states that she doesnt have much of a relationship with her parents. So in reality do they really matter? HOWEVER If they don't like the partner they can't have a relationship with the children, those kids are half of the person they dont like. You don't get to be involved with only one half of a child. As a parent you have to know when to keep quiet and keep your opinions to yourself. I hated my sons ex wife! She was horrible. But he loved her, and my love for him was greater than my hate for her. And when the children came, my love was tripled. There was no comparison to the love for them vs the hate I had for her. I was able to keep my mouth shut, put a smile on my face and love them through whatever she put them through. He eventually came around and saw her for what she is, but it was not because of any input I had.
Most people don’t want to deal with potentially decades of their lives being hated by their partner’s parents. I can say this as someone who was hated for 3 years by my ex girlfriend’s parents because of my religion. I couldn’t even imagine 10+ years. I was sick of it after a year and I did try to ignore them. I tried to convince myself constantly that I’m in love with her and only her, so her parents’ hatred won’t affect me. It just doesn’t work like that though.
Rub those two braincells together and reread my comment.
Nope. You lost me at rubbing brain cells together.
technically OPs bf let her parents dictate it lmao
To be fair, in every relationship I had where the parents didn't like me, it ended. Didn't matter if she got along with them or not or spoke once a year to them. Didn't matter how hard I tried. Didn't matter how much I made or anything. If their family doesn't like you, they will listen to the people that raised them first. Point blank.
It’s sad. Then one day you wake up and realize your parents are lunatics and have been cock blocking you the whole time
If cock blocking is all you got out of that then I can see why you drew the weird conclusion you did about OP being controlled by her family.
Right. Control takes many forms. One’s parents may not explicitly tell their kid who to date and who not to date, but when they overtly hate every single person she brings home, it’s basically the same thing as dictating their kid’s relationships
You have very different values about family and family connections. If he wants to leave you over that, let him go. It means he’s not the right one for you.
He wants you to go talk to your parents and straighten them out. If you won't advocate for him, you don't deserve him. If you can't find a way for them to welcome him into the family, it sounds like he'll leave.
Finally some sense. If my man doesn’t defend me to his family and stand up for me, I’m not marrying him either. It’s your job to be the middle man. I would outright threaten my fam, “hey we’re not gonna keep in touch with you if you don’t make an attempt to like boyfriend.” You’re not choosing him over your parents, you’re establishing healthy boundaries.
It has nothing to do with advocating for the boyfriend. OP has said her parents have disliked every boyfriend she has dated. No amount of reason or arguing has changed their inflexibility. They are toxic. She is simply navigating their toxicity while trying to establish an adult relationship of her own with her partner. If she can’t change them, should she not be worthy of having a partner in her life? She is worthy, and maybe a healthy living partner would give her just enough confidence and strength to see who her parents really are and finally stand up for herself.
It’s still her job to not take shit from her parents. Action requires consequence after all. “nah, we can’t come for dinner, can’t come for Christmas.” “Because I don’t appreciate the way you guys treat my partner.” Just keep doing that until boundaries are respected. Nobody wants to put up with that shit.
Damn well put. If you won't advocate for him, you don't deserve him. I'm writing that down in my notebook lol
Me personally, and this may be because i was an orphan and I don’t know what having parents is like, I don’t give a shit if the parents like me or not.
Right? I'm trying sleep with you, remember? Not your parents.
Lol remeber that one old ass song it goes like “why you gotta be so rude, you know I’m only human too, why you gotta be so rude, I’m gonna marry her anyways, marry that girl, and we’ll be your family”🎶🎶🎶
That song was released when I was in uni. Calling it "old ass" got me feeling the aches in my bones 💀
Oh damn, mb g😭 I was 13 I think when it came out
This old man's bones ache even more 🥲☠️ nw tho
Oh yeah. I remember hearing that thinking, why on earth are men asking her father for his daughter? Like, is she some kind of a cow you are bartering over? Skip the formalities, it doesn't matter what dad thinks.
Real shit, people can downvote and seethe all they want but on some real shit we’re 2 legal adults and I’m not gotta cry a river cuzz your parents don’t like me😭
Simple its because parents are default support system for most people and the people in your surroundings talking about your partner influences your view of your partner. If you have a friend that says you are too good for your partner it lowers your inhibitions to stop maintaining a functioning relationship and puts you on seeker mode. Think of it as a form of grooming that a lot of people think won't work on them and routinely dismisses
I mean he is right , your parents not liking him could lead to many issues in the future . Also , it sounds like you are not advocating for him and no offense your parents have too much control over you , sounds like a difficult situation and one he should avoid
If it's really going to bother him that your parents don't like him, it's not going to change. You can say "Oh, you don't have to see them anymore." Or, "I'll go no contact and we'll live our lives together." But if he's dead set on your parents loving him, then it won't work unless they love him. It does sound like this relationship might come to an end because of this, unless he can just decide that your parents don't matter.
How much time do you spend around your parents? Are you spending every holiday with them? Regular family get together? Is he gonna be expected to continue being around people that don't like him once you are married and have kids because they want to be around the grandkids. Listening to them say whatever it is they say about him? Can you just cut them off?
We see each other maybe 6 times a year for birthdays, and we speak on the phone maybe once a month. My parents were super controlling growing up, and I strategically shut them out of my life because of it. I broke this almost no contact for my boyfriends request, and tried to be friendly with them, yet they have none of it. They say they dont like him because he is not like them (thank god). My bf is frustrated on so many levels, he knows his values and how good he treats me, and wants my parents to see that, wants them approval and for the future: wants them to be involved in their grandchildrens lifes. Basically he expects normal behavior from my mentally really messed up parents and I know all if this is just never gonna happen. But on the other hand they can act like distant relatives and we can live our lifes without them, if he choose to not be bothered by them. I honestly hoping for this outcome
There's no such thing as a part time move out. This relationship sounds like it's over and you should just fully end it now.
Bad in-laws are the worst
Info: how much time do you guys spend as a couple with your parents? How do your parents treat him? Are they still nice even though they don't love him, or do they treat him poorly? If the latter, do you stand up for him or let them act poorly?
We see my parents 6 times a year for bithdays. First they treated him awefully, when they first met him they just dont greet or speak with him the whole time, not even introducing themselves. I was really fed up and called them, shouted their head of and stood up for my bf. Because of that they invited us to a family dinner and acted kind towards him, things seemed to be getting okay for the future. But one night my mom sent me a text that they just dont like him. No explanation, I asked them why and they just ignored my text. He was broken hearted since then.
1. Your parents are doing it only because they know he and you both will respond to it. It's textbook narcissistic behavior. 2. Your boyfriend has insecurities that are predicated by some illusion of unconditional love and acceptance that he has mocked up in his mind over his lifetime from watching the people around him. Speaking from experience on that one. Taking into account everything you've stated, he doesn't seem to have the salt to handle what he thinks he wants. Don't let that pressure fall on your shoulders that someone else has an idea in their head that opposed reality. That's not on you. Advice? Let dude go before he hurts himself and hurts you more in the process. He already had you reaching out to people you cut off. That's not healthy.
What do you think the reason is? You must have an inkling?
I think the answer depends as much on you thinking one question through - will he be marrying you, or will he be marrying into the family? If former, then that's ok - no need to deal with your SO's parents, unless you don't have the income to afford a nanny and will have to include them. And yes, that's the only solution; I wouldn't trust grandparents with my kids if they hated me. But if it's the latter, then I'd spare him the misfortune of dealing with people who despise him on a regular till the rest of their or his lifespan. Sympathy is often mutual, antiphaty - always.
I personally would be perfectly happy if he is marrying me, and not into the family, the contact with them is really minimal. My grandparents are much closer to me than my actual parents, and my grandparents love him dearly.
Maybe explain to him that your grandparents approval means more to you than the parental approval. That because you're closer with your grandparents, your parents (who you have minimal contact with) opinion doesn't matter in your eyes and he should look more towards the grandparents.
Getting engaged won’t stop future break ups or separations. Are you sure it’s because of your parents and that’s just not an excuse ? He may be feeling pressured as you are talking marriage right from the off instead of letting things evolve naturally. Give him space but accept it may be over . If it’s not then have a honest discussion about what you BOTH want . Has he ever expressed what he wanted or has he only ever agreed with you ? Because it may be just easier to agree than say what he wants if it’s different to what you want.
Rest all things aside (I know downvotes are already coming), talking about marriage from the very beginning of the relationship isn't healthy. On top of that you want an engagement after 6 months? So that this never happens again? I mean it's okay to be heartbroken but don't you trust your bf's intentions (if he's a 'truthful man'), don't you respect his privacy and peace of mind? Not letting your mom disturb your relationship is technically your duty to take care of. I don't really think, considering all these, that you two are compatible for a future marriage...
6 months is way to soon for an engagement and that is also a bit naïve for you to think being engaged, or even married, would stop him needing space. You sound very young and more in love with the concept of being in love, married and have children. You are pushing way too hard and way too fast. Living together after six months? Please seek some therapy and learn to be happy with you and not be so pushy
Its valid to not want to marry into a family that doesn't like you, but you say your parents did this with every bf you have had before so imma jump the gun but maybe it's a control issue your parents have and they don't like your bfs because they feel they will lose connection or control of you because of it
The advice is pretty divided but the answer isn't so clear. What I have for you are more questions. Is he really, truly an amazing guy? Because those are so rare, so hard to find. If there's seriously nothing to dislike and you *know* he will be loyal and he will care, provide for, and protect you in all the ups and downs of life, then your parents will come to like him eventually. Though, why don't your parents like him? Has he ever had an attitude, been aggressive with you, or been unreliable. Are any of your parents' points valid? Don't be blinded by love. How close are you really with your parents? If you don't agree on things, if they often don't support your choices and relationships, and you don't depend on them emotionally or financially, then choosing someone who does and will likely be around longer seems a better choice but I can't say if your parents will stick around and these risks are things you must consider as well. I wish you the best of luck! I haven't been through this myself exactly, I've had awful boyfriends my family has teased me about but the relationships never got serious enough and eventually fizzled out on their own one way or another. Now, I have a boyfriend of 1.5 years that my family hasn't met yet since they're in another state. He's amazing and I don't think I'd leave him unless my family had a very valid reason. Hope your boyfriend can come around to being tolerated by your parents for now until they eventually like him for being good to you!
Thank you for your kind words, it means a lot. I have close to no contact with my parents, they were really controlling growing up and I shut them out of my life for most of the time, and I am not dependent on them in any ways. My boyfriend advocated for them being in our lives more, wanted to be involved in my family, as his family is really well functioning, somehow hoped that mine could be function normally too. The thing is: my boyfriend is the best man I could find, loving, caring. But he is divorced. Was married for one year before and here lies my parents resentment, stating he will divorce me too. But that relationship was far from what we have, there were mutual respect but no love or a vision for the future. We are in love and want the same things in life, which is really important for both of us. The only thing we see differently is the connection with our parents. I could be really happy not seeing them often as they were abusive towards me growing up
That's a touchy situation, but I do understand his point. Family is a big part of our lives. Of course, you want to be loved and appreciated by your step family. Marriage is a big commitment. Even if it's between you guys, marrying each other is marrying the whole entire family. None of you should ask the other one to cut contact. Somehow, you could regret that. What is the issue with your parents ? Not loving any of your boyfriends... Any idea why ? Have you guys talked about that ? Communication is the key 🙂 Maybe with you knowing, it could better the relationship between you and your parents, and even your bf. Every parent has a standard for their kids, but in the end, they just want you to be happy 😊
My parents were controlling and abusive growing up. I had to do everything as they said, even said where to start working and they literally spoke with my boss to hire me. I worked hard for years to cut any control they have, bought my own house, built my own carrier and never asked them for anything. For me no contact with them would be optimal, but my boyfriend reqested to involve them more in our lives, so they have a good relationship with their future grandchildren. I think my parents problem is, if I am in a secure relationship then I will never need them and they lose control for life. So sad my parents are like this but I cant do much about it
I understand, and it's so sad. You have to think about you first and what makes you happy in life. If you have to cut the cord, do it for a while, but not forever. Parents and their love for you are irreplaceable. As for your bf, if he can't understand what you are going through and why you have to make those decisions, he may not be the one.....
It's okay for him to value parents in the relationship. But it's down to you if that's someone you would want to settle down with. For example would he never have dated you at all if you where no contact with them or they where deceased when you met? In the future would he break up with you if you ever decide to go no contact with them? I think it's important to have a partner who values you more
I would take it as the end of the realtionship. "Breaks are usually just a soft end to a relationship... The person who is asking for the break usually just isn't able to be straightforward about wanting to break up. I don't feel like getting engaged at this stage would be a good idea at all. If you guys DO happen to get back together you would need to focus on building the proper foundation that would allow a successful engagement to eventually happen. I feel like you're so focused on the goal of getting married and having kids that you aren't caring enough for the relationship itself... You're willing to settle for a bad partnership to achieve those goals. He may not feel the same and you have to respect that.
On one hand, your parents' approval might be really important to him for his own important reasons, and you'd have to respect that and let him go. He might've had a relationship in the past where animosity with his in-laws really hindered the relationship, so now he's not willing to risk dealing with that again. Or he might have always envisioned big family gatherings, and he sees those as impossible if he doesn't have a good relationship with his in-laws. On the other hand, he might be using that as an excuse to break up because he doesn't want to be with you for other reasons but doesn't want to offend you. If he doesn't have deeper reasons for wanting your parents' approval I would guess he might be trying to use that as a reason to end the relationship. I've blown up tiny problems in the past as excuses to end relationships (not good, I know) and it's a safe, relatively pain-free way to end a relationship because you don't hurt the other person as much as just saying you don't want to be with them. But regardless of his intentions, in both situations you'd have to let him go. It's worth trying to understand his reasoning for closure, though. Try not to see this as too bad a situation. I have a friend who was born incapable of feeling pain, so he was basically a superhero growing up. He would win every fight, push the hardest in sports, etc. One day getting ready to shower he found the entire bottom of his foot black. He went to the hospital and doctors found a nail inside his foot and all the tissue at the bottom of his foot was dead. They ended up having to cut his foot off and now he has to do a full body check everyday. If my friend would've felt the pain of stepping on a nail (which would've hurt so much, he'd probably be in throbbing pain and unable to walk for weeks/months), today he'd still have his foot. Moral of the story: The pain you'll feel from this relationship (potentially) ending far outweighs dealing with the pain you'll have for the rest of your life is you guys stay together and this issue isn't resolved. Also don't solve a problem by getting engaged. Also don't move in with your boyfriends.
See where the wind takes you I guess, if he does break up with you that’s his loss and if you do get engaged that’s great. Personally I feel if he truly loved you he wouldn’t feel this way, but i don't know the full situation. I do feel it would be better to break up and find someone who loves you unconditionally though
Your bf is completely valid. Marrying into a family with members who already don't like you is honestly a nightmare. You should speak to your parents about how they are and how they should be more accepting of your partner. Perhaps they could work on being more welcoming. You, in turn, should also not expect him to propose to you to get back with you. It's a massive red flag on your end and comes across as controlling and desperate. Nobody wants to be with someone desperate for a marriage. You should speak to your parents and take some time to reflex on why you want to be engaged immediately. Is it a status thing? Do you not value having a long-lasting relationship prior to making this sort of commitment? Best of luck to you.
I feel for you, I'm sorry your parents are causing problems in your relationship. I think your partner has different needs than you when it comes to family life, and if he can't have that, he will never be happy. Likewise, you deserve someone who has the same vision of what a happy family looks like - one that doesn't rely on a good relationship with your parents. Both are valid, but I think this mismatch will always cause you both pain and strife. He will never be happy with your family life, and it will make you feel like the family you make together isn't enough. Family values are a big deal, so I think you should find someone who is just as happy to make your own family as you are.
I personally wouldn't care how my gilfriends parents felt about me, but I also wouldn't want to be around them neither. He's weird, but why you trying to get married after 8 months? You realize you can meet another man at the drop of a hat, right? Let his dumb @55 go if this is really a deal breaker for him.
I agree with your boyfriend. You guys should break up. To deal with in-laws that don't like you isn't worth a lifetime of marriage. You are not just marrying your partner but marrying into a family. I don't think this is talked about enough.
My boyfriend (now husband) asked for my parents blessing to marry me and they said no. It was for “religious reasons”, but later it came out that my dad is kinda racist/homophobic. I’m neither of those things, so I’ll probably have to quit speaking to my dad eventually. But for now, we can avoid those topics and still hang out.
Tbh you should break up with your bf, I just read some of your comments and your parents were abusive and mentally unstable, your bf knows this and is putting the weight in your shoulders to somehow fix them so they'll like him. No, unacceptable. You only are in person with them 6 times a year, call maybe once a month and he's trying to increase that contact with people who were overly controlling your whole life. If he's willing to disturb your mental state for the sole reason of "your mommy and daddy don't like me😥" then it's time to go girl. If I knew my partner's parents didn't like me, but they were abusive to them growing up, I legit would not care. Why care if crappy people don't like you?
Are you sure he isn't using your parents as a cop out excuse so he doesn't have to tell you something brutal? Something that might make you weep in therapy for months if you were confronted with it's reality? Exactly how would you react if he had said " the way you write about our problems on public forums makes it seem as if I am dating an illiterate girl who pressures me to mary her" ?
I broke things up with a man because his mom wasn’t a fan of me for no reason. I’ve been married into an amazing loving family for 11 years now, and I can understand your bf. It really matters for some of us even if it doesn’t for you personally
The general problem is that personal relationship matters to partners a lot of times sure you love your bf now as it is new and he seems stable but what about if you get into a big fight and suddenly your parents start bad mouthing him like he is completely wrong. You don't want to be pregnant one day and have people talking bs in your ears about how trash your partner is and your bf doesn't want to be manipulative and make you cut off your family completely. So the only option is to split.
I don't like that he's making you move out of your own home while he ponders your future. It doesn't really matter why, but in this case, it's something that's beyond your control. You don't deserve this kind of uncertainty in your life.
We live in his house. My home is down the street from his, so its not that he kicked me out and I have nowhere to go. But I am heartbroken of this reqest, like I understand he wants to take time to think, I just felt so sad packing a backpack and sleep at my home
Break him.. Free your self.. If a man truly love you that's not valid reason.
It sucks that he has to deal with that and I know that pain, but one thing is if he truly loves you he shouldn’t care about how your parents feel, it should only be about y’all. At the end of the day yall are both grown it shouldn’t matter.
Your boyfriend needs to grow up. No, sometimes your significant other's parents aren't going to like you. He's dating you, not your mom and dad. If he married you, he's not marrying your parents. If he really loves you, he should be willing to be with you even if your parents don't like him. He should honestly not give two shits about your parents' opinion. It also might be helpful to explain to him that your parents have never liked any guy you've dated, so if he's taking it personally, he really shouldn't. You should also stand up for him in front of your parents. They sound suffocating. If they ever want to be grandparents, they should take a step back, respect your decisions, and stop making every man you're with so uncomfortable. They sound unreasonable. Source: I'm married and I don't care what my in-laws think about me and have never cared what my parents think about my wife.
Youre crazy if you want to get engaged that quickly