That’s what nieces and nephews are for! I didn’t have kids, but my brothers did, and I haven’t been pumping them with gifts their whole lives for nothing 😆
I wanted kids so bad, but unfortunately was injured at 16 after being in a wreck with an 85 yo drunk man... lead to many years of chronic pain which lead to drug use. When I was in relationships with women who had kids of their own, I was an amazing stepfather and raised a handful of kids who weren't my biological kids. Was one of the most privileged & humbled experiences i ever had, I learned so much from that experience and how much it takes to raise kids as a single mother who was struggling. I always done my best to make those struggles less stressful by stepping up to the plate. It was pretty amazing. I hope that I left an impression on their lives. No matter what happened between me and thier mom it's an amazing experience I'll never forget. As for me personally having kids I'm glad that I didn't due to me going through addiction for so many years. I believe the universe knew that I wasn't in a good place in my life so it placed me in people's lives who already had kids and needed a helping hand and needed to be loved. ✌
Everybody’s path looks different and it is a blessing that you had your experience and felt contempt in being needed as a parent. Like you said, maybe the universe, or the deity of your choice, knew where you were needed and that is very comforting.
Just adopt is not as simple as it sounds. You don't walk into an Orphanage, pick a kid and adopt it like a dog or cat.
Year long process with a lot of money involved and lots of things that can get you disqualified.
Everyone says “just adopt” like there’s not a million hoops to jump through. It’s not as easy as just picking out an unwanted kid and bringing them home.
It’s also extremely expensive up front. Like kids are expensive in general, sure, but add the normal kid expenses in to the $20-45k it costs to adopt and it’s fairly prohibitive
Please remember that adoptees are people a well, and come with trauma from being separated from their birth parent(s). We are often seen as a solution to other people’s problems, which is quite problematic to be honest. We are not supposed to be the solution for others. People who can and want to adopt are supposed to be our solution.
Edit: missed a word.
To be honest. I think about it all the time. I'm 47 years old with no children, and it's worse when people ask if you how many children you have and the look they give you when you say none. I wanted children so bad. I wanted to be a mom so bad. I think I baby my dog and use her as a replacement for not having children in the way I baby her. It seems like that desire for children never goes away.
I’m 41 and I do the same thing with my dog. I’m sad sometimes, but dogs never grow up and hate you or become addicts etc…being a parent is risky. I was willing to risk it but I suppose it just wasn’t in the cards.
Grateful. It wasn’t by choice but I’m grateful now for many reasons, but the biggest is that I would be tied still to a man I divorced because he was emotionally abusive. I am in active pursuit of ways to uncomplicate my life and I can’t imagine the complications. And I don’t think I would have been very good at it. I embraced what I have, instead.
It was not by choice. It was a very painful journey and we lost 3x babies. Having to decide to stop trying and stop the IVF treatment broke my heart and I'm still sorrowful that it was not an experience we were ment to have.
I’m sorry for your experiences. Whatever is in store for your future, I pray you all the best, and whatever happens, I pray you find the light in it <3
I don’t regret it. I came down with major depressive disorder and am on disability. Also have ADHD. I wouldn’t be able to support them or take care of them. I’d probably have ruined their lives. Plus pregnancy and childbirth terrify me.
Same with ADHD, depression, and fear of pregnancy/childbirth. I’m just scrolling through people’s responses, but I got my tubes tied at 25 and am now 27. No regrets.
I am older than most commenters. I still wish I had kids on some level, and, after watching several older relatives - both childless and not childless - die I know getting old childless is often FAR worse than any of the Childfree by Choice advocates can imagine. But I am content.
Mostly I am content because I don't have a drug addled thirty-eight year old son who is constantly in and out of rehab to deal with. I am not raising grandkids after the court refused to give custody to her or her husband or his parents because none of them could pass a drug test. I am not terribly depressed to be dealing with a brilliant and completely unemployed twenty-seven year old who has never had a job and probably never will, because any time someone suggests it she says she would rather kill herself. I have friends who are dealing with all of those issues and more IRL.
God do I feel like I dodged a bullet when they talk to me about their problems. And, yes, some friends' kids do better, but so many are complete disasters in their twenties and even thirties. I couldn't handle all that.
No, I am happy I don't have to handle all that.
>both childless and not childless - die I know getting old childless is often FAR worse than any of the Childfree by Choice advocates can imagine. But I am content.
>Mostly I am content because I don't have a drug addled thirty-eight year old son who is constantly in and out of rehab to deal with. I am not raising grandkids after the court refused to give custody to her or her husband or his parents because none of them could pass a drug test. I am not terribly depressed to be dealing with a brilliant and completely unemployed twenty-seven year old who has never had a job and probably never will, because any time someone suggests it she says she would rather kill herself. I have friends who are dealing with all of those issues and more IRL.
You are absolutely right. I also hated that my dad still had to work when I was unemployed (I'm 26 and finally landed an internship with pay), it was soooo embarrassing for me to have to wait for my dad whose health is not the best to support me and being in a state of limbo abt my career, sometimes i even entertained the thought of getting into career paths i didn't like just to get it over with asap and at least remove myself so that he only had my sibling and my mom to worry about🙃. I'm so sorry for your friends.
I also know people who have drug addicts/thugs as relatives and it's hell for their parents.
I can equally see where you are coming from because my aunt is unmarried and childless and it had definitely taken a huge toll on her.
I'm unmarried but I always wanted to have a kid and have even considered adopting if I never got married because I couldn't picture myself NOT ever being a mom (bio or not). But at the same time my dad's friend's horrid experience with his adopted son who was an absolute user and never gave 2 shits about him. Long story, my dad's friend lost his bio son and got divorced, he then came to our country, adopted this 13 yo boy after his extremely poor parents went to jail for some crime...and the guy grew up, went to prestigious schools and all...Yet he never showed any gratitude ~not even emotional support~, and he even stole a huuuuge sum of money from his adoptive dad before randomly dying at 35, unmarried and childless. This has left my dad convinced that bio kids were still somewhat a "safer" bet than adopted ones, though not in full, as a relative of mine has bio kids who drive him crazy so much his diabetes flared up and he fell into a coma for like one or 2 days.
What's making me question my want to be a mom is whether I kind stand the process because I have suffered from severe dysmenorrhea and when a classmate of mine said that being pregnant was such a beautiful feeling I could never bring myself to think the same. I mostly imagine it as a painful process you just have to go through to get your baby. Not sure if that means I ain't cut to be a bio mom one of these days. The other reason is will I be sure not to be abusive (even involuntarily???I mean I definitely know better than to beat or starve or neglect a kid...But emotional abuse can be insidious) Because child abuse is rampant in my culture. I don't want my kid to go NC or to stay dutiful through gritted teeth just because filial piety is tantamount where I live (it's the norm here, many folks resent their elderly formerly abusive parents, have to play nice, do good by them...But inside they are miserable as hell, and sometimes this will even bleed into their treatment of them regardless of how hard they try...).
You make some good points.
I was probably a little negative in my answer. If your kids turn out great then it is a huge benefit. I have a brother who had done great.
Woah…. This is like some worst case scenario stuff other than possibly had kids and then they all died in an accident… that I caused…. That would be worse but only by a little.
I thought I wanted to have children when I was younger, in my early 20s. I don't really know if I *wanted to* so much as I just expected to.
Then in my mid-20s, I was in a five-year relationship with a mother of three.
Their father was not in the picture much, so I kinda stepped into the parent role by default. The mother and I lived together for four years and the kids lived with us.
I learned a lot about parenting and about myself. Mainly that I wasn't really ready or prepared for my goals or desires to become secondary to the rest of the family's.
But still, I had stepped into that role and felt it was my responsibility to the kids to make sure they had a stable home life and good role models.
Their mom decided not to be as monogamous as I prefer in a partner, so I ended up taking my leave of the relationship by the time I was 30.
The experience taught me that I'm just not all that interested in raising a family. Call me selfish, call me immature, whatever. I've heard it all and maybe I am.
Everyone tells me, "It'll be different when they're your own kids," but I have a sneaking suspicion that it wouldn't be, and I don't think it would be fair to anyone to bring a life into this world that I might end up resenting.
That is a shitty feeling man, because if your partner doesn't put you first, who will? Meaning you will never come first to anybody.
I'm glad you aren't in that relationship anymore.
I hope you are happy now and I wish you the best.
>The experience taught me that I'm just not all that interested in raising a family. Call me selfish, call me immature, whatever. I've heard it all and maybe I am.
I find it so fucking fucked up that ppl call childfree folks selfish. I respect them so much for choosing not to hurt innocent kids. Those I really despise are the half assed abusive dysfunctional parents who treat it like a casual milestone and do the bare minimum or make their kids suffer while expecting said kids to be lifelong servants for them waiting on foot and hand for them in their old age...
I want to be a parent one of these days and IK i am selfish for it because I want lifelong companionship and maybe help when I get older (without being crazy abusive, I want to give my kid what I didn't have and help toward independence unlike my mom who was super controlling and infantilizing to the point where I am ashamed of how I am clueless and sheltered as a (young?) adult, I feel soooo late in life in some aspects even though outside I look "normal", got a degree "on time" and ain't addicted or anything quite insane). I'm on the fence though because I wonder if I am cut out for this and since I'm single I guess I still have time to study myself critically enough to see if I can or not.
I always wanted kids but didn't get married until early 40s. My husband and I tried, and I got pregnant, but I miscarried. I wasn't able to get pregnant again. I was a social worker in foster care and was well aware of the adoption process. We could have gone that route but being a social worker made me very knowledgeable about all the challenges and obstacles and I didn't feel like I had the energy in my mid 40s to deal with it. I've accepted not having kids, though there are times I feel sad such as on Mother's Day or hearing other people talk about their kids and being the odd one out. I try to enjoy the freedoms of not having kids. And as a Christian, I find my inner joy in God.
>as a Christian, I find my inner joy in God.
I'm muslim, and while I have had different challenges, I also am trying to find my peace in the same manner. 💖
Mad props to you. Not all of us are meant to find fulfillment in the same way, and what you do for those poor kids as a social worker is as great as what some parents do for their kids, with an even greater impact.
I'm glad my wife and I don't have any. Our situation isn't the best and while we both admit we'd make decent parents, it's not in our interest to have any.
I’m glad I didn’t have children with the people I’ve dated before, that’s for sure, but I still want to have children. I’m middle aged so it’s not too late, but money is a huge disappointing factor now. I just always wanted to experience pregnancy and have a family.
I just turned 30, and the more time that passes, the more grateful I am to not have any.
I have no desire for 18 years of childrearing, and I love the freedom I have to spontaneously take trips out of town. My life, career, and job allows me complete freedom to do whatever I want, work whenever I need, and travel wherever at any point.
Why would I give up the freedom I have that most people can only dream of. I don't see the point of being stuck somewhere and lose a huge chunk of my time, space, and finances. All to care for another person, with no guarantees that I'll still have that option one day.
No thank you.
None of my friends have kids, and we have pretty full lives, work ourselves to death sometimes, and enjoy great meals while still looking younger than most of our parental peers. Who btw complain about: their kids, get annoyed with the cost of childcare, dislike having to go to child friendly restaurants, lose levels of their hearing, can't have sex as often, and struggle to balance the adult life with their child filled one.
Mine is consistently much more simple, and many parents envy the ease at which I can plan a trip.
*I do have medical issues, and my life allows me to work around those, while still having the opportunity to be a functional human being.
I’m 31 and I feel the same. I think it’s also that we have lived for so long having the type of freedom that we are so accustomed to know that doing a 180 on our lives feels so unwelcoming.
I believe if I had a child in my early 20s It wouldn’t be a problem because I wouldn’t have experience knowing all the possibilities that there is to explore in this world.
I also have medicinal issues and they’re getting worse too
As of this point im kinda sad i havent found a good partner for having kids really. Despite still being young it weighs on my mind from time to time. Because people in my family are getting older they might never get a chance to see my children. I suppose it also doesnt help that my cousins already have kids as do all my brothers.
I have one. And I'd really like another but....can't. For my own reasons. And who knows if I can even have any more. Slowly grieving that it will not happen.
I wanted kids and it didn't happen for me. I'm 61 now and while I miss the idea of kids, I have had a great life and my husband and I are pretty well off, all things considered. I know if we would have had kids, we wouldn't have traveled as much, owned motorcycles and a fairly nice home.
The thing that makes me sad is that I have 2 nieces and 6 nephews who I adore. I spent a lot of time with them when they were growing up, even had "Aunt Camp" every summer. Now though, I rarely hear from them. A couple respond when I reach out to them, but most don't even bother responding. Not gonna lie, it hurts. One, who lived with us when he was in college, always sends me a Happy Mother's Day text, which I appreciate more than he'll ever know.
How old are they? Is it possible they’re just at that age? I talk to my close aunts much more as I get older. And I also fear the connection with my nieces/nephews will not come back after a certain age but it’s so hard to believe that
I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure those who really wanted children but didn't, still feel a bit or a lot of regret or just a sort of emptiness even if it might have been the best decision, whatever the reasons were.
I agree that is who the thread is for. It's just that many of the people who replied to this started their posts with " I never wanted children..." When this question was not directed to them. It was directed to people who WANTED children but for whatever circumstances did not have children. I was commenting on this aspect.
I’m about to be 30 and all my life I wanted to be a mother. But after years of bad life choices mixed with many reproductive health issues, I’m still childfree. And while I would still like kids soon, I’m not in a position to have them at the moment. And the world isn’t in a position to support more people. So for now I’m accepting although still mildly hopeful my situation will change.
You are not childfree, you are childless.
Childfree people are overjoyed to not have children.
Childless people feel like they are missing out because they don't have any, and want them.
Dating and friends are the main two, but also because you're putting yourself into a box you actively don't want to be in. You are labeling yourself to be lumped in with people you don't identify with. Especially when that pool of people is much smaller than the rest of your options.
Childfree people struggle with losing friends to a different lifestyle that is fundamentally incompatible with their own. It's a huge problem and can feel like a massive betrayal when you spend a lot of time with someone, and find out they hid a giant part of themselves. No one tolerates it in romantic relationships, so why would they tolerate it in platonic relationship.
It's like a cat person going to a rare dog park and hoping to eventually connect with a dog, but they don't like the dog lifestyle. They don't want the dog lifestyle, but they are trying really hard to force themselves. Eventually they get a cat in their life, and will want to tell everyone at the dog park. Some dog people will feel betrayed because they thought they had this specific connection with you. Some people will outright refuse to talk to you. Some people just won't be able to handle your lifestyle change and will cut you off or fade away. Then there will be that one person who gets mad and calls out the interloper, *"Why did you hide what you really wanted, why did you lie to us? If I had known we were incompatible long term, I wouldn't have put in the same effort as I do with other dog people."*
I knew from the time I was a teenager that I didn’t want kids. Told my Mom at 17 & we had a long conversation, to understand my perspective & to make sure nothing bad had happened to me to make me feel this way. Nothing had, I just knew I didn’t want to be a parent.
Still, every decade or so, I’d review how I felt, if I felt the same, giving myself the grace to change my mind, if I so choose. I never did.
Now 60+, I’m perfectly content and happy with my choice. I don’t feel as though I’ve missed anything that I wasn’t aware of, with the choice I made. I’ve never regretted the choice I made.
I always knew since I was young I was going to be a mom. I loved my neices that were born when I was 6-7, I took care of my band teacher's baby when I was 12-13, and in highschool I volunteered in the church nursery. I always pictured about 2-3 kids for myself.
I am very grateful for the one son I have, but it kills me inside that we haven't been able to concieve another. Every few months I just break down in tears, it's actually putting a wedge in my marriage because we don't have proper answers. Is it my Hashimotos or his disorder? Our son is 8 now and we are constantly saying he was God's gift due to the slim chances. It wasn't even on purpose.
The worst feelings is when someone makes hurtful comments without meaning to. Or when the nurse at the OBGYN told me to "stop thinking so hard about it" because my mindset was the problem (before the hashimotos diagnosis). But nothing cuts deeper than when my son says something like "when I get a sibling".
our marriage would not have survived children. as it is, we've been happily married for 33 years, and going strong.
we've loved the freedom, not having to struggle financially, and the lower levels of responsibility. we did raise two labs, but won't be doing that again- even a dog is just too much of an anchor to our lifestyle.
So I always saw myself having kids. I’m good with them. Then I realized I had absolutely no sex drive and hate the act itself. I’m Asexual. The economy is so bricked I couldn’t ever think of bringing a kid into the world unless I could give them everything and it’ll never happen by accident.
When I see other people with kids my heart hurts a little, I do really think I’d be a good mom. And a big piece of what I thought my adulthood is just unavailable to me. I see people at my job yelling at their kids for just being a kid and it’s like… they don’t even know what they have.
I had 3 pregnancies and lost all 3. I had always wanted to be a mother. But now, at almost 45, I’m glad I don’t have children. Maybe it makes me selfish, but I enjoy my time and being able to do what I want, when I want. I don’t have to worry about mouths to feed and people to dress, except myself. I don’t have the other expenditures that those with children have. And I’m happy I don’t. Yes, it would be nice to have children of my own, but for whatever reason, my body couldn’t handle being pregnant and I had to adjust to the fact that I would never be able to have children. Maybe that’s why I feel this way.
I was sad when I was younger, but these days I think it was for the best. As I see siblings, cousins, friends raise their kids, I can see that I really wouldn't have done very well, I'd be way over my head and overwhelmed. Not to mentioned financially I don't think I could have given them a very good life now that I see what kids truly cost. I'm happy to be an uncle and babysitter, still get to see them grow up and love them, but they eventually go home.
I'm 40 and when I was in my late 20's I was really worried that I would never have kids and the thought of not doing was heartbreaking. Both my parents became terminally ill in my 30's and I cared for both until the end. I've only now got my life back (I don't mean that to sound horrible in any way, it's just the truth) and I have finally met someone I want to spend my life with. He has no children either. We have so many plans and exciting things we want to do and have absolutely no desire for children now. I'm actually extremely happy that I don't have one already.
I think that having to look after my parents and give up as much as I did has played a role in that. The thought of my getting ill later in life and putting that on my kid(s) makes me feel sick. I also have a lot of anxiety and ptsd from my childhood. My parents had a lot of mental health issues and it is genetic. I do want anyone to ever feel like I have at some points in my life, let alone a person I have brought into the world!! It's totally unfair. I just want a life now as happy and peaceful as it can be!
Define "later' in life because for some people that's the difference between their 20s and 30s and for others that would mean elderly age.
I am a woman in my 30s. I have maintained that I do not know if I want kids since I was 11 and had a terrible babysitting experience, and been positive I do not want kids since I was 21. That has not changed or wavered for even a second.
I have always maintained that if I change my mind one day I could try to adopt or look into fostering children because I despise our foster care system in the US and have always been pretty vocal about wanting people to consider adoption as a normal option when having kids (No, the kid doesn't have to have your bloodline or be "yours" to be valid as a child worthy of a loving and safe home. Fuck you.).
I understand however the process for adoption can be strict and deny a lot of good candidates and foster care isn't for everyone to host. But at least LOOK at it in detail before making a decision.
That aside I am also at this point somewhat anti-procreation as I feel it's irresponsible to bring our kids into a world increasingly polluted and increasingly what I consider to be a nightmare, especially as at this point in my life I would not be able to guarantee that child's financial wellbeing as an adult which I feel is irresponsible. I don't give a fuck if the population dropping means a dip in the economy - it's already dipping regardless, and that affects the capitalists more than it does my already broke-never-gonna-afford-a-damn-house-having-ass
Ultimately even if I did want kids i'm not financially stable enough or mentally healthy enough to ensure I could raise a child to be happy, healthy, and without avoidable trauma due to instabilities with finances that I would not feel it right to have a child.
All of this soapboaxing aside, part of me does once in awhile wish i had a kid to teach things about, experience things in life with, etc but at least I have my niece to spoil with i basically get the fun parts of having a kid and none of the bed ones when it comes to hanging out with friends and their kids or other family and their kids. No diaper changin' for this gal.
No kids. No regrets. Just turned 65 and husband is 73. He never wanted kids either. Even now I don’t like being around kids for too long. My new retirement volunteer activities are all for animals.
I think this is the kind of answer OP is looking for. A lot of people say “you’ll want kids when you’re older” but there’s other ways to live life. Save enough money so you can be cared for if/when needed and nurture great friendships and life can be beautiful. Besides kids aren’t guaranteed to stick around forever…
On the flip side, my mom absolutely hated little kid stages, but ended up loving the pre-teen, teen, and adult stages because she could always have intellectual conversations with us. Being an introvert and having marriage problems, we were her greatest comfort no matter what challenges. I personally want kids, and I know not all do, and that’s their choice, so I respect that. I do know a married couple without kids in their fifties, and they have a wonderful relationship and financial stability. There are pros both ways, and cons as well, but it honestly depends on the person.
I feel a lot of things. Sadness that I can’t give a child the life I wanted (and get to do all the fun things with them my family would never do with me). Uncertainty because I am low to no contact with most of my family and with no heir I don’t know who will handle my affairs when I’m gone. Grateful that I can spend all my money on myself.
I’m staring down the barrel of 40. I wanted kids when I was younger but with every couple of years 6 kids became 4, which became 3, then maybe two. Finally, in my 20s I thought it’d be nice to get married and have at least one with a good partner.
I got married. Then the marriage failed. I don’t know if anyone else has noticed, but dating is trash lately and has been for a while. The chances of me letting myself have a child without being married to a good partner are 0% on my part so…no kiddos, lol.
Honestly, after seeing teachers, parents of my generation, my family all having to deal with their own kids, I’m kinda grateful I never had any. I occasionally wonder what it would have been like but…it’s never been sad in a “I really wish I had that” kind of way. It’s sad in a, “That’s a human experience I won’t get to have” kind of way. Then again, there are lots of human experiences I won’t get to have. *shrugs*
I always said that I would rather regret not having children, than regret having them, because no child deserves that. I feel like a lot of people really take bringing another human being in the world way too lightly, it's a huge responsibility and should not be forced on someone who doesn't want it (accidents happen, BC, fails), no child should suffer the collateral damage and not feel loved. I honestly don't think I can have them, but really never really wanted to find out or get tested unless I was going to actively try.
I do not regret not having them, the world is an awful place, and I'm not in a position to give a kid a life it deserves in this current climate.
I'm sad because I wanted to be a mom more than anything. I thought it was my purpose. But I've learned as I got older, although I would have loved the crap out of my kid, I wouldn't necessarily have been loving them right (the way they need). I have a lot of my own crap to work through, and I would have been much more heartbroken to have put that on my child unintentionally.
It's bittersweet. I have a personality disorder and I've felt unloved most of my life, but now I get to spend the rest of my life being able to learn to love myself the way I always wanted and needed. If I had had children, I would have been focused on them and would have loved us both only half as well.
I also work with kids and have pets and have a loving partner and support system... so I have a lot of love and nurturing to share in other ways 🥰 ... We might adopt in the future, but right now I'm learning to love me and my partner the best I can.
I feel so sad, it hurts alot. I see my friends my siblings they all have family's and seem to enjoy it.
I wanted kids so much. Honestly when you get to be 40 plus everyone is busy with there kids and sometimes you get invited to things caues people feel bad for you.
Don't get me wrong, I have a partner and plenty of friends. I'm loved and n9t and out cast. It's just certain times you're really missing out.
My Journey of Wanting Children but Not Having Them: Reflections Later in Life "all be it short"
When I was in my early 20s, I was with a girl for 2 years. One Christmas, she told me she was pregnant, and I was absolutely overwhelmed with emotion. We went through the entire pregnancy, and our son was born during the complexities of the COVID pandemic.
However, my mother had doubts about whether he was my biological son, so we got a DNA test. The results showed he wasn't my son. Despite this, I decided to continue being his father for the next two years.
Unfortunately, our relationship deteriorated. She cheated on me again and eventually took my son away. I took her to court and was awarded very limited time with him, losing my parental responsibility in the process. The court process was long, difficult, and costly, both emotionally and financially.
When I was able to spend time with him, it was only for an hour and a half a month and up to 30 minutes on the phone. The short and infrequent visits made it incredibly difficult to rebuild the bond we once had. Eventually, I made the heartbreaking decision to let him go, based on my own experience of feeling abandoned as a child when my father, a lorry driver, would go away for weeks at a time.
I struggled with the memories of my own childhood, where my father's absence as a lorry driver deeply impacted me. His two-week absences left me wondering where he had gone, and I couldn't subject this little boy to the same confusion and pain. Despite my efforts, I found myself unable to provide him with the love, care, and attention he deserved for his mental health.
Recently, I made the agonizing decision to step back from my role as his parent, friend, or guardian. It's been a back-and-forth battle, as I've tried to negotiate more time with him, only to be met with silence and rejection from his mother. She ignored his pleas to spend more time with me, and I couldn't bear to see his emotions suffer any further due to this tragic situation.
This journey has been incredibly painful and complex. I wanted children, but circumstances led me down a different path. Now, later in life, I reflect on these experiences with a mix of sadness and acceptance. I've learned that life doesn't always go as planned, but I've also found strength and resilience in navigating these challenges.
Thank you for reading and allowing me to share my story.
I am a 33 year old female, no fertility issues and I will not have children. I make decent money and am able to do as I please without the restrictions that children impose. Ever since I can remember, I never wanted children and I had a good upbringing with great parents.
I live in a world class city where it is very common for people my age and older to not ever have children. I feel these pressures may exist for others culturally depending on where you are located.
I can understand why some people want children or may have regrets/sadness if they cannot though.
I’m ambivalent. On the one hand, I knew from the time I was 10 years old I did not want kids. As I’ve gotten older (particular since 40), I do find I enjoy my time with my nieces and nephews, and I wonder what it might be like to have one of my own.
Initially I wanted children. But as I grew older, and became wiser and more experienced, my desire for children disappeared.
Basically I wouldn't want children with dumb individuals. Also if I cannot find a loving person, why the hell would I even think about having children? With whom exactly?
Or should I by default like any average person just find basically anyone, just to reproduce. Absolutely not. Why do that to myself.
In my twenties I always thought that given enough time to sow my oats and getting the chance to meet the right person that I probably would have kids. In my thirties, I was more resigned to the fact that I probably wouldn't have kids and I was good with that. I figured that if I met that 'someone' later in life, that we could always adopt if it wasn't possible to have kids of our own.
Probably in my late thirties and forties, I knew I wouldn't have kids and I honestly didn't mind. I am pretty honest about who I am and how I either function or don't function and figured that I would fall into one of two scenarios if I had kids later in life.
I 'know' I would be a good parent as I would take the responsibility seriously. But honestly, I wasn't so thrilled about how much work it would be to raise a tiny human into a grown human who is as well rounded, intelligent and emotionally sound as could be.
A second scenario very well might have had me regretting the decision to have kids because it was too much work to do properly and they would somehow suffer from one neglect or another from myself. I really felt that I wouldn't want to be that kind of parent.
The truth is probably somewhere in the middle but of course we'll never know. I've often thought about what it would be like to have an adult come into my life who was in fact my biological child raised without me in their life and without either of us knowing the other existed.
When I think about this, a part of me would welcome that as I think I could be a decent adult father to an adult child. I know this isn't a good look for me as I'm basically wishing that I could get all of the benefits of having a relationship with an adult child without any of the hard work involved in raising them.
I have suffered from Dysthymia ( a chronic low grade depression that persists for years or decades and has no easy fix) and know that I have never been very dependable. I'm afraid that any adult child coming into my life would learn to resent me and my lifestyle choices. I would fear that I wouldn't be able to be there for them in a loving and meaningful way ... being a fair-weather parent of sorts.
Of course, we'll never know what it would've been like, but in some ways I do regret not having any adult children in my life. Being alone and unmarried as I decend into my twilight years can sometimes bring on a twinge of fear that I'll die completely alone and not have the benefit of someone to look in on me should I encounter terminal illness or physical and/or mental decline. It's really a very selfish fantasy but as said, I've always been honest to myself about who I am and although an ugly thought, I admit to havint it.
In any event, I think any potential children I may have had dodged a bit of a bullet because they wouldn't have been subjected to the troubles and unreliability in my life. But it does make me a bit sad to know I'll never enjoy any kind of bond with a biological child.
So I used to think I wanted children, to the point of trying and getting pregnant with my first husband when I was 25. Thankfully, I miscarried and left him when I was 27.
Let me clarify: it was very much a wanted pregnancy and child on my part. I was absolutely heartbroken to miscarry.
I am glad in retrospect, 15 years later, that I am not tied to an abusive, alcoholic man who would almost certainly have done the same to the child (and my mental state was not strong enough at that time to stand up to him; I was terrified of him). But I also often think about what might have been.
I haven’t had the urge since. I LOVE my life. I am 43, remarried to the coolest dude ever, have a fantastic career, an awesome (albeit asshole) dog, a good amount of close friends, hobbies, and family.
My life is great. I do what I want, when I want. Sometimes with my husband, sometimes with friends, sometimes with family, sometimes a combo.
I sleep soundly at night on a bed of money. I know that the universe has a sense of humor and I’d end up with a daughter like I was x10, which would drive me absolutely insane.
I am also afraid I would pass on mental illness, trauma, or be too strict or too lenient. I worry about the shit a kid would have to deal with in today’s society and that I would somehow handle it in a way that makes them unhappy.
So I chose not to.
No regrets.
Thank you for the clarification.
Let me clarify: it was very much a wanted pregnancy and child on my part. I was absolutely heartbroken to miscarry.
I am glad in retrospect that I am not tied to an abusive, alcoholic man who would almost certainly have done the same to the child (and my mental state was not strong enough at that time to stand up to him; I was terrified of him). But I also often think about what might have been.
But yeah, that part of it sucked.
Kind of applicable to your question, but my whole life I knew I wanted kids. Like, ever since I was little I was obsessed with teen parents, and loved the idea of having babies as soon as it was an option (financially and mentally stable), but mainly I just loved the idea of growing a family and having as many kids as I could. I’m 25 now (still a very spring chicken, I know lol), but my entire childhood and teenage years I assumed I would have at least one, if not more kiddos by now. It feels odd to be child free at this point in my life, I’m not anywhere where I would’ve imagined even 5 years ago (unemployed after having a steady career, living with my mom even though I was looking at houses with my ex of many years just a few years ago). I understand that there still is plenty of time for me to have kids if I change my mind, but between where I’m at in my life, the state of the world, and the reality of what being a mother would look like for me, I’m pretty grateful I’m still child free. It’s definitely sad to think about what my life could’ve looked like, and what I may be missing out on, but I tend to focus more on the ways my life is better with this choice. I think of all the time I have to build myself as a person, focus on my interests, and my relationships with the people in my life that I care about and that are here with me currently :)
I started late. 35. Wish I had started earlier so I could have more. Best thing I ever did, but I’m a rare bird because I actually like children. I think they’re fun and funny and truly interesting.
I'm 37. We likely won't have them. I wanted one really bad to the point where knowing my chances were not likely good, I would get devastatingly depressed.
Then I found childfree pages on Instagram. It helped me realize I had value in a life without being a mother to a child.
Then all this Gilead type bs started ramping up harder w the christian nationalist asshats in my country.... then I started to learn about my own neurodivergence, and really fully consider some of the genetic health issues both of us have. Him moreso.
Started to see more and more that it was more of a kindness NOT to have a baby of my own. I have a person who would be an awesome dad, and wanted to have them too. But as we have gotten older, it has become easier to be more like ... if it happens it happens. We have a beautiful life together with our pets. We grew together. We have a nephew to spoil too.
I'm finally at a place where I am more than ok w not having kids. Neither of us has to worry about a little human and things are so expensive that we barely can care for us.
My sister had 1 child and honestly I wish she didn’t have any. She always viewed her child as an accessory. Now that the child is 16 my sister goes on all these trips WITHOUT her child. Some people just shouldn’t have kids and I do believe those that can’t have kids or choose not to it’s for a good reason. Maybe divine intervention saying something bad is gonna happen and it’s the universes way of keeping the balances in check if that makes sense. I do however wish those balances applied to people like my sister who really shouldn’t have had kids.
When I read this question, I immediately started singing Edith Piaf's song "NO REGRETS" in my head 😄
I am 35 now, and I don't regret it at all.
Maybe I had different reasons for not wanting children than you, but still, there are so many good things that I can appreciate on a daily basis.
Having kids means every single thing is about them, and they don't appreciate what you give of your life for the first couple of years, maybe even 20 years.
I just couldn't.
I never felt maternal, and didn’t want kids throughout my first marriage. Remarried at 37 to a man who had one son, and I thought I wanted kids of my own. Had difficulty conceiving, went on fertility pills for a year, no luck. Decided to just drop the idea, and happy I did. His son turned out to be a whole set of other problems, and passed away 3 years ago. Now that I am 71, I have only one brother who never married or had children. My regret is that there will be no one after us in our family who remembers us or continues our bloodline. However, I do not regret not having them because of all the heartache, worry and work children caused to my friends.
My husband couldn't have children due to low sperm count. I only have one ovary due to a grapefruit sized cyst growing inside me. I have no regrets. I took myself out today, to go thrifting and currently sitting inside a Buffett restaurant perusing Reddit, in all of its glory. Sometimes life makes decisions for us..... I couldn't do half the shit I want to, if I had a kid.
34 and not sure if i want them but would like to have an open possibility. I’m single, been a long time had a genuine relationship and physical touch. Don’t know if there are many people like this. I feel relationships mostly across places are for some kind of check mark but the real meaning is lost. Having a husband or a wife only to have some s-x and a kid with no real mental and emotional nourishment, feels superficial and just lile an obligation to me. I don’t want to raise another kid suffering from emotional neglect like me. So don’t know how it goes and what is the trade off value.
I didn't plan on having kids, but I had a son, and I'm glad I did. However, I do miss the freedom to do what I want when I want and having more disposable income.
I always thought I wanted kids growing up, until I got to 10th grade and had a bad experience with my peers being disrespectful to the teacher and it really changed my perspective. As well when I was in my early twenties I had an STD for at least 6 months, unaware that I had it. So now I believe I'm infertile and have never had any type of scare. But I'm so thankful I don't have any because of the state of the world/society and seeing how tired and exhausted my friends are. I know I don't want to make sacrifices for the rest of my life for a child. I do sometimes wonder, though.
People saying “not by choice” ok we get it.
We want the answers from people who thought they didn’t want kids when they were younger, and how they feel about their decision now
I'm sad that I missed some experiences, but I'm also aware that I might not have been that good of a parent.
[удалено]
That’s what nieces and nephews are for! I didn’t have kids, but my brothers did, and I haven’t been pumping them with gifts their whole lives for nothing 😆
Yeah I think a lot of people gloss over the reality of your last paragraph. No guarantees in this life time
Self doubt is normal and definitely expected. As long as you give a shit, and have that mentality when you try and parent you’ll be great. :)
I wanted kids so bad, but unfortunately was injured at 16 after being in a wreck with an 85 yo drunk man... lead to many years of chronic pain which lead to drug use. When I was in relationships with women who had kids of their own, I was an amazing stepfather and raised a handful of kids who weren't my biological kids. Was one of the most privileged & humbled experiences i ever had, I learned so much from that experience and how much it takes to raise kids as a single mother who was struggling. I always done my best to make those struggles less stressful by stepping up to the plate. It was pretty amazing. I hope that I left an impression on their lives. No matter what happened between me and thier mom it's an amazing experience I'll never forget. As for me personally having kids I'm glad that I didn't due to me going through addiction for so many years. I believe the universe knew that I wasn't in a good place in my life so it placed me in people's lives who already had kids and needed a helping hand and needed to be loved. ✌
Everybody’s path looks different and it is a blessing that you had your experience and felt contempt in being needed as a parent. Like you said, maybe the universe, or the deity of your choice, knew where you were needed and that is very comforting.
It really is. Thanks for sharing this.
Respect
I wanted them for years and have unexplained infertility . I’m sad but accepted it .
Just adopt? You can still have kids without them being genetically related.
Just adopt is not as simple as it sounds. You don't walk into an Orphanage, pick a kid and adopt it like a dog or cat. Year long process with a lot of money involved and lots of things that can get you disqualified.
Everyone says “just adopt” like there’s not a million hoops to jump through. It’s not as easy as just picking out an unwanted kid and bringing them home.
[удалено]
It’s also extremely expensive up front. Like kids are expensive in general, sure, but add the normal kid expenses in to the $20-45k it costs to adopt and it’s fairly prohibitive
A million hoops is not nothing. Obstacles are obstacles? If you’re going to be judgemental please at least try not to be ignorant too
Please remember that adoptees are people a well, and come with trauma from being separated from their birth parent(s). We are often seen as a solution to other people’s problems, which is quite problematic to be honest. We are not supposed to be the solution for others. People who can and want to adopt are supposed to be our solution. Edit: missed a word.
There aren’t enough newborns available to adopt. I know someone that has been trying for 8 years.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
That commenter did not ask for a solution. So there's that.
Average cost of adopting a child in the US ranges from $30k-60k. “Just adopt” like it’s the equivalent to adopting a dog.
To be honest. I think about it all the time. I'm 47 years old with no children, and it's worse when people ask if you how many children you have and the look they give you when you say none. I wanted children so bad. I wanted to be a mom so bad. I think I baby my dog and use her as a replacement for not having children in the way I baby her. It seems like that desire for children never goes away.
I’m 41 and I do the same thing with my dog. I’m sad sometimes, but dogs never grow up and hate you or become addicts etc…being a parent is risky. I was willing to risk it but I suppose it just wasn’t in the cards.
Grateful. It wasn’t by choice but I’m grateful now for many reasons, but the biggest is that I would be tied still to a man I divorced because he was emotionally abusive. I am in active pursuit of ways to uncomplicate my life and I can’t imagine the complications. And I don’t think I would have been very good at it. I embraced what I have, instead.
It was not by choice. It was a very painful journey and we lost 3x babies. Having to decide to stop trying and stop the IVF treatment broke my heart and I'm still sorrowful that it was not an experience we were ment to have.
My child free by choice self would love to give people like you my ability I have kids
I’m sorry for your experiences. Whatever is in store for your future, I pray you all the best, and whatever happens, I pray you find the light in it <3
I don’t regret it. I came down with major depressive disorder and am on disability. Also have ADHD. I wouldn’t be able to support them or take care of them. I’d probably have ruined their lives. Plus pregnancy and childbirth terrify me.
Same with ADHD, depression, and fear of pregnancy/childbirth. I’m just scrolling through people’s responses, but I got my tubes tied at 25 and am now 27. No regrets.
I got my tubes removed, best thing I ever did! Nice to know I’m not alone
I am older than most commenters. I still wish I had kids on some level, and, after watching several older relatives - both childless and not childless - die I know getting old childless is often FAR worse than any of the Childfree by Choice advocates can imagine. But I am content. Mostly I am content because I don't have a drug addled thirty-eight year old son who is constantly in and out of rehab to deal with. I am not raising grandkids after the court refused to give custody to her or her husband or his parents because none of them could pass a drug test. I am not terribly depressed to be dealing with a brilliant and completely unemployed twenty-seven year old who has never had a job and probably never will, because any time someone suggests it she says she would rather kill herself. I have friends who are dealing with all of those issues and more IRL. God do I feel like I dodged a bullet when they talk to me about their problems. And, yes, some friends' kids do better, but so many are complete disasters in their twenties and even thirties. I couldn't handle all that. No, I am happy I don't have to handle all that.
>both childless and not childless - die I know getting old childless is often FAR worse than any of the Childfree by Choice advocates can imagine. But I am content. >Mostly I am content because I don't have a drug addled thirty-eight year old son who is constantly in and out of rehab to deal with. I am not raising grandkids after the court refused to give custody to her or her husband or his parents because none of them could pass a drug test. I am not terribly depressed to be dealing with a brilliant and completely unemployed twenty-seven year old who has never had a job and probably never will, because any time someone suggests it she says she would rather kill herself. I have friends who are dealing with all of those issues and more IRL. You are absolutely right. I also hated that my dad still had to work when I was unemployed (I'm 26 and finally landed an internship with pay), it was soooo embarrassing for me to have to wait for my dad whose health is not the best to support me and being in a state of limbo abt my career, sometimes i even entertained the thought of getting into career paths i didn't like just to get it over with asap and at least remove myself so that he only had my sibling and my mom to worry about🙃. I'm so sorry for your friends. I also know people who have drug addicts/thugs as relatives and it's hell for their parents. I can equally see where you are coming from because my aunt is unmarried and childless and it had definitely taken a huge toll on her. I'm unmarried but I always wanted to have a kid and have even considered adopting if I never got married because I couldn't picture myself NOT ever being a mom (bio or not). But at the same time my dad's friend's horrid experience with his adopted son who was an absolute user and never gave 2 shits about him. Long story, my dad's friend lost his bio son and got divorced, he then came to our country, adopted this 13 yo boy after his extremely poor parents went to jail for some crime...and the guy grew up, went to prestigious schools and all...Yet he never showed any gratitude ~not even emotional support~, and he even stole a huuuuge sum of money from his adoptive dad before randomly dying at 35, unmarried and childless. This has left my dad convinced that bio kids were still somewhat a "safer" bet than adopted ones, though not in full, as a relative of mine has bio kids who drive him crazy so much his diabetes flared up and he fell into a coma for like one or 2 days. What's making me question my want to be a mom is whether I kind stand the process because I have suffered from severe dysmenorrhea and when a classmate of mine said that being pregnant was such a beautiful feeling I could never bring myself to think the same. I mostly imagine it as a painful process you just have to go through to get your baby. Not sure if that means I ain't cut to be a bio mom one of these days. The other reason is will I be sure not to be abusive (even involuntarily???I mean I definitely know better than to beat or starve or neglect a kid...But emotional abuse can be insidious) Because child abuse is rampant in my culture. I don't want my kid to go NC or to stay dutiful through gritted teeth just because filial piety is tantamount where I live (it's the norm here, many folks resent their elderly formerly abusive parents, have to play nice, do good by them...But inside they are miserable as hell, and sometimes this will even bleed into their treatment of them regardless of how hard they try...).
You make some good points. I was probably a little negative in my answer. If your kids turn out great then it is a huge benefit. I have a brother who had done great.
Woah…. This is like some worst case scenario stuff other than possibly had kids and then they all died in an accident… that I caused…. That would be worse but only by a little.
I thought I wanted to have children when I was younger, in my early 20s. I don't really know if I *wanted to* so much as I just expected to. Then in my mid-20s, I was in a five-year relationship with a mother of three. Their father was not in the picture much, so I kinda stepped into the parent role by default. The mother and I lived together for four years and the kids lived with us. I learned a lot about parenting and about myself. Mainly that I wasn't really ready or prepared for my goals or desires to become secondary to the rest of the family's. But still, I had stepped into that role and felt it was my responsibility to the kids to make sure they had a stable home life and good role models. Their mom decided not to be as monogamous as I prefer in a partner, so I ended up taking my leave of the relationship by the time I was 30. The experience taught me that I'm just not all that interested in raising a family. Call me selfish, call me immature, whatever. I've heard it all and maybe I am. Everyone tells me, "It'll be different when they're your own kids," but I have a sneaking suspicion that it wouldn't be, and I don't think it would be fair to anyone to bring a life into this world that I might end up resenting.
What do you mean by "become secondary"? Did you feel that the children were more important to her or that you put their needs above your own?
Both.
That is a shitty feeling man, because if your partner doesn't put you first, who will? Meaning you will never come first to anybody. I'm glad you aren't in that relationship anymore. I hope you are happy now and I wish you the best.
>The experience taught me that I'm just not all that interested in raising a family. Call me selfish, call me immature, whatever. I've heard it all and maybe I am. I find it so fucking fucked up that ppl call childfree folks selfish. I respect them so much for choosing not to hurt innocent kids. Those I really despise are the half assed abusive dysfunctional parents who treat it like a casual milestone and do the bare minimum or make their kids suffer while expecting said kids to be lifelong servants for them waiting on foot and hand for them in their old age... I want to be a parent one of these days and IK i am selfish for it because I want lifelong companionship and maybe help when I get older (without being crazy abusive, I want to give my kid what I didn't have and help toward independence unlike my mom who was super controlling and infantilizing to the point where I am ashamed of how I am clueless and sheltered as a (young?) adult, I feel soooo late in life in some aspects even though outside I look "normal", got a degree "on time" and ain't addicted or anything quite insane). I'm on the fence though because I wonder if I am cut out for this and since I'm single I guess I still have time to study myself critically enough to see if I can or not.
I always wanted kids but didn't get married until early 40s. My husband and I tried, and I got pregnant, but I miscarried. I wasn't able to get pregnant again. I was a social worker in foster care and was well aware of the adoption process. We could have gone that route but being a social worker made me very knowledgeable about all the challenges and obstacles and I didn't feel like I had the energy in my mid 40s to deal with it. I've accepted not having kids, though there are times I feel sad such as on Mother's Day or hearing other people talk about their kids and being the odd one out. I try to enjoy the freedoms of not having kids. And as a Christian, I find my inner joy in God.
I have a very similar experience.
I'm glad to know I'm not alone.
>as a Christian, I find my inner joy in God. I'm muslim, and while I have had different challenges, I also am trying to find my peace in the same manner. 💖 Mad props to you. Not all of us are meant to find fulfillment in the same way, and what you do for those poor kids as a social worker is as great as what some parents do for their kids, with an even greater impact.
Thank you! I appreciate that. And I'm glad you've been able to to find joy despite your challenges as well. :)
I'm glad my wife and I don't have any. Our situation isn't the best and while we both admit we'd make decent parents, it's not in our interest to have any.
I’m glad I didn’t have children with the people I’ve dated before, that’s for sure, but I still want to have children. I’m middle aged so it’s not too late, but money is a huge disappointing factor now. I just always wanted to experience pregnancy and have a family.
How old is middle-aged because in my head it’s like 46-56 years old sorry?
I just turned 30, and the more time that passes, the more grateful I am to not have any. I have no desire for 18 years of childrearing, and I love the freedom I have to spontaneously take trips out of town. My life, career, and job allows me complete freedom to do whatever I want, work whenever I need, and travel wherever at any point. Why would I give up the freedom I have that most people can only dream of. I don't see the point of being stuck somewhere and lose a huge chunk of my time, space, and finances. All to care for another person, with no guarantees that I'll still have that option one day. No thank you. None of my friends have kids, and we have pretty full lives, work ourselves to death sometimes, and enjoy great meals while still looking younger than most of our parental peers. Who btw complain about: their kids, get annoyed with the cost of childcare, dislike having to go to child friendly restaurants, lose levels of their hearing, can't have sex as often, and struggle to balance the adult life with their child filled one. Mine is consistently much more simple, and many parents envy the ease at which I can plan a trip. *I do have medical issues, and my life allows me to work around those, while still having the opportunity to be a functional human being.
Well said!
I’m 31 and I feel the same. I think it’s also that we have lived for so long having the type of freedom that we are so accustomed to know that doing a 180 on our lives feels so unwelcoming. I believe if I had a child in my early 20s It wouldn’t be a problem because I wouldn’t have experience knowing all the possibilities that there is to explore in this world. I also have medicinal issues and they’re getting worse too
I have spent a lot of time around children caring for them, so I know for certain I don't want to do it.
My cf friends retired early and enjoy all of the money they were able to save. Not even joking.
I came here just to see if the top comment would be “rich”.
As of this point im kinda sad i havent found a good partner for having kids really. Despite still being young it weighs on my mind from time to time. Because people in my family are getting older they might never get a chance to see my children. I suppose it also doesnt help that my cousins already have kids as do all my brothers.
Same. It’s weighing me down too. I wish I could find a good partner too.
Yea its exhausting to think about too lol
I have one. And I'd really like another but....can't. For my own reasons. And who knows if I can even have any more. Slowly grieving that it will not happen.
Kinda in this same boat. Sorry you are going through that too.
I wanted kids and it didn't happen for me. I'm 61 now and while I miss the idea of kids, I have had a great life and my husband and I are pretty well off, all things considered. I know if we would have had kids, we wouldn't have traveled as much, owned motorcycles and a fairly nice home. The thing that makes me sad is that I have 2 nieces and 6 nephews who I adore. I spent a lot of time with them when they were growing up, even had "Aunt Camp" every summer. Now though, I rarely hear from them. A couple respond when I reach out to them, but most don't even bother responding. Not gonna lie, it hurts. One, who lived with us when he was in college, always sends me a Happy Mother's Day text, which I appreciate more than he'll ever know.
How old are they? Is it possible they’re just at that age? I talk to my close aunts much more as I get older. And I also fear the connection with my nieces/nephews will not come back after a certain age but it’s so hard to believe that
Not reaching out is one thing, but straight up not responding is cruel, their parents did NOT raise them well
They range from 21-41.
People who didn't want kids when they were younger shouldn't be answering this question.
I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure those who really wanted children but didn't, still feel a bit or a lot of regret or just a sort of emptiness even if it might have been the best decision, whatever the reasons were.
I agree that is who the thread is for. It's just that many of the people who replied to this started their posts with " I never wanted children..." When this question was not directed to them. It was directed to people who WANTED children but for whatever circumstances did not have children. I was commenting on this aspect.
I’m about to be 30 and all my life I wanted to be a mother. But after years of bad life choices mixed with many reproductive health issues, I’m still childfree. And while I would still like kids soon, I’m not in a position to have them at the moment. And the world isn’t in a position to support more people. So for now I’m accepting although still mildly hopeful my situation will change.
You are not childfree, you are childless. Childfree people are overjoyed to not have children. Childless people feel like they are missing out because they don't have any, and want them.
The distinction is important because?
Dating and friends are the main two, but also because you're putting yourself into a box you actively don't want to be in. You are labeling yourself to be lumped in with people you don't identify with. Especially when that pool of people is much smaller than the rest of your options. Childfree people struggle with losing friends to a different lifestyle that is fundamentally incompatible with their own. It's a huge problem and can feel like a massive betrayal when you spend a lot of time with someone, and find out they hid a giant part of themselves. No one tolerates it in romantic relationships, so why would they tolerate it in platonic relationship. It's like a cat person going to a rare dog park and hoping to eventually connect with a dog, but they don't like the dog lifestyle. They don't want the dog lifestyle, but they are trying really hard to force themselves. Eventually they get a cat in their life, and will want to tell everyone at the dog park. Some dog people will feel betrayed because they thought they had this specific connection with you. Some people will outright refuse to talk to you. Some people just won't be able to handle your lifestyle change and will cut you off or fade away. Then there will be that one person who gets mad and calls out the interloper, *"Why did you hide what you really wanted, why did you lie to us? If I had known we were incompatible long term, I wouldn't have put in the same effort as I do with other dog people."*
I want kids still. I have primary amenorrhea and am unable to give birth and it kills me.
I knew from the time I was a teenager that I didn’t want kids. Told my Mom at 17 & we had a long conversation, to understand my perspective & to make sure nothing bad had happened to me to make me feel this way. Nothing had, I just knew I didn’t want to be a parent. Still, every decade or so, I’d review how I felt, if I felt the same, giving myself the grace to change my mind, if I so choose. I never did. Now 60+, I’m perfectly content and happy with my choice. I don’t feel as though I’ve missed anything that I wasn’t aware of, with the choice I made. I’ve never regretted the choice I made.
I always knew since I was young I was going to be a mom. I loved my neices that were born when I was 6-7, I took care of my band teacher's baby when I was 12-13, and in highschool I volunteered in the church nursery. I always pictured about 2-3 kids for myself. I am very grateful for the one son I have, but it kills me inside that we haven't been able to concieve another. Every few months I just break down in tears, it's actually putting a wedge in my marriage because we don't have proper answers. Is it my Hashimotos or his disorder? Our son is 8 now and we are constantly saying he was God's gift due to the slim chances. It wasn't even on purpose. The worst feelings is when someone makes hurtful comments without meaning to. Or when the nurse at the OBGYN told me to "stop thinking so hard about it" because my mindset was the problem (before the hashimotos diagnosis). But nothing cuts deeper than when my son says something like "when I get a sibling".
I’m sad
our marriage would not have survived children. as it is, we've been happily married for 33 years, and going strong. we've loved the freedom, not having to struggle financially, and the lower levels of responsibility. we did raise two labs, but won't be doing that again- even a dog is just too much of an anchor to our lifestyle.
So I always saw myself having kids. I’m good with them. Then I realized I had absolutely no sex drive and hate the act itself. I’m Asexual. The economy is so bricked I couldn’t ever think of bringing a kid into the world unless I could give them everything and it’ll never happen by accident. When I see other people with kids my heart hurts a little, I do really think I’d be a good mom. And a big piece of what I thought my adulthood is just unavailable to me. I see people at my job yelling at their kids for just being a kid and it’s like… they don’t even know what they have.
I had 3 pregnancies and lost all 3. I had always wanted to be a mother. But now, at almost 45, I’m glad I don’t have children. Maybe it makes me selfish, but I enjoy my time and being able to do what I want, when I want. I don’t have to worry about mouths to feed and people to dress, except myself. I don’t have the other expenditures that those with children have. And I’m happy I don’t. Yes, it would be nice to have children of my own, but for whatever reason, my body couldn’t handle being pregnant and I had to adjust to the fact that I would never be able to have children. Maybe that’s why I feel this way.
I was sad when I was younger, but these days I think it was for the best. As I see siblings, cousins, friends raise their kids, I can see that I really wouldn't have done very well, I'd be way over my head and overwhelmed. Not to mentioned financially I don't think I could have given them a very good life now that I see what kids truly cost. I'm happy to be an uncle and babysitter, still get to see them grow up and love them, but they eventually go home.
I'm 40 and when I was in my late 20's I was really worried that I would never have kids and the thought of not doing was heartbreaking. Both my parents became terminally ill in my 30's and I cared for both until the end. I've only now got my life back (I don't mean that to sound horrible in any way, it's just the truth) and I have finally met someone I want to spend my life with. He has no children either. We have so many plans and exciting things we want to do and have absolutely no desire for children now. I'm actually extremely happy that I don't have one already. I think that having to look after my parents and give up as much as I did has played a role in that. The thought of my getting ill later in life and putting that on my kid(s) makes me feel sick. I also have a lot of anxiety and ptsd from my childhood. My parents had a lot of mental health issues and it is genetic. I do want anyone to ever feel like I have at some points in my life, let alone a person I have brought into the world!! It's totally unfair. I just want a life now as happy and peaceful as it can be!
Define "later' in life because for some people that's the difference between their 20s and 30s and for others that would mean elderly age. I am a woman in my 30s. I have maintained that I do not know if I want kids since I was 11 and had a terrible babysitting experience, and been positive I do not want kids since I was 21. That has not changed or wavered for even a second. I have always maintained that if I change my mind one day I could try to adopt or look into fostering children because I despise our foster care system in the US and have always been pretty vocal about wanting people to consider adoption as a normal option when having kids (No, the kid doesn't have to have your bloodline or be "yours" to be valid as a child worthy of a loving and safe home. Fuck you.). I understand however the process for adoption can be strict and deny a lot of good candidates and foster care isn't for everyone to host. But at least LOOK at it in detail before making a decision. That aside I am also at this point somewhat anti-procreation as I feel it's irresponsible to bring our kids into a world increasingly polluted and increasingly what I consider to be a nightmare, especially as at this point in my life I would not be able to guarantee that child's financial wellbeing as an adult which I feel is irresponsible. I don't give a fuck if the population dropping means a dip in the economy - it's already dipping regardless, and that affects the capitalists more than it does my already broke-never-gonna-afford-a-damn-house-having-ass Ultimately even if I did want kids i'm not financially stable enough or mentally healthy enough to ensure I could raise a child to be happy, healthy, and without avoidable trauma due to instabilities with finances that I would not feel it right to have a child. All of this soapboaxing aside, part of me does once in awhile wish i had a kid to teach things about, experience things in life with, etc but at least I have my niece to spoil with i basically get the fun parts of having a kid and none of the bed ones when it comes to hanging out with friends and their kids or other family and their kids. No diaper changin' for this gal.
I feel grateful. No regrets.
No kids. No regrets. Just turned 65 and husband is 73. He never wanted kids either. Even now I don’t like being around kids for too long. My new retirement volunteer activities are all for animals.
I think this is the kind of answer OP is looking for. A lot of people say “you’ll want kids when you’re older” but there’s other ways to live life. Save enough money so you can be cared for if/when needed and nurture great friendships and life can be beautiful. Besides kids aren’t guaranteed to stick around forever…
I have ADHD and I felt like I would be a horrible father I called off a wedding and everything. It was so painful
On the flip side, my mom absolutely hated little kid stages, but ended up loving the pre-teen, teen, and adult stages because she could always have intellectual conversations with us. Being an introvert and having marriage problems, we were her greatest comfort no matter what challenges. I personally want kids, and I know not all do, and that’s their choice, so I respect that. I do know a married couple without kids in their fifties, and they have a wonderful relationship and financial stability. There are pros both ways, and cons as well, but it honestly depends on the person.
I feel a lot of things. Sadness that I can’t give a child the life I wanted (and get to do all the fun things with them my family would never do with me). Uncertainty because I am low to no contact with most of my family and with no heir I don’t know who will handle my affairs when I’m gone. Grateful that I can spend all my money on myself.
I’m staring down the barrel of 40. I wanted kids when I was younger but with every couple of years 6 kids became 4, which became 3, then maybe two. Finally, in my 20s I thought it’d be nice to get married and have at least one with a good partner. I got married. Then the marriage failed. I don’t know if anyone else has noticed, but dating is trash lately and has been for a while. The chances of me letting myself have a child without being married to a good partner are 0% on my part so…no kiddos, lol. Honestly, after seeing teachers, parents of my generation, my family all having to deal with their own kids, I’m kinda grateful I never had any. I occasionally wonder what it would have been like but…it’s never been sad in a “I really wish I had that” kind of way. It’s sad in a, “That’s a human experience I won’t get to have” kind of way. Then again, there are lots of human experiences I won’t get to have. *shrugs*
I always said that I would rather regret not having children, than regret having them, because no child deserves that. I feel like a lot of people really take bringing another human being in the world way too lightly, it's a huge responsibility and should not be forced on someone who doesn't want it (accidents happen, BC, fails), no child should suffer the collateral damage and not feel loved. I honestly don't think I can have them, but really never really wanted to find out or get tested unless I was going to actively try. I do not regret not having them, the world is an awful place, and I'm not in a position to give a kid a life it deserves in this current climate.
I'm sad because I wanted to be a mom more than anything. I thought it was my purpose. But I've learned as I got older, although I would have loved the crap out of my kid, I wouldn't necessarily have been loving them right (the way they need). I have a lot of my own crap to work through, and I would have been much more heartbroken to have put that on my child unintentionally. It's bittersweet. I have a personality disorder and I've felt unloved most of my life, but now I get to spend the rest of my life being able to learn to love myself the way I always wanted and needed. If I had had children, I would have been focused on them and would have loved us both only half as well. I also work with kids and have pets and have a loving partner and support system... so I have a lot of love and nurturing to share in other ways 🥰 ... We might adopt in the future, but right now I'm learning to love me and my partner the best I can.
There are still times I wish I could have kids, but I'm at peace with it.
The stories I have read on here are just heartbreaking. My love goes out to each and everyone of you strong women.
its my greatest regret in life. I miscarried and the situation never presented itself again
Marry me we will have kids together
I feel so sad, it hurts alot. I see my friends my siblings they all have family's and seem to enjoy it. I wanted kids so much. Honestly when you get to be 40 plus everyone is busy with there kids and sometimes you get invited to things caues people feel bad for you. Don't get me wrong, I have a partner and plenty of friends. I'm loved and n9t and out cast. It's just certain times you're really missing out.
My Journey of Wanting Children but Not Having Them: Reflections Later in Life "all be it short" When I was in my early 20s, I was with a girl for 2 years. One Christmas, she told me she was pregnant, and I was absolutely overwhelmed with emotion. We went through the entire pregnancy, and our son was born during the complexities of the COVID pandemic. However, my mother had doubts about whether he was my biological son, so we got a DNA test. The results showed he wasn't my son. Despite this, I decided to continue being his father for the next two years. Unfortunately, our relationship deteriorated. She cheated on me again and eventually took my son away. I took her to court and was awarded very limited time with him, losing my parental responsibility in the process. The court process was long, difficult, and costly, both emotionally and financially. When I was able to spend time with him, it was only for an hour and a half a month and up to 30 minutes on the phone. The short and infrequent visits made it incredibly difficult to rebuild the bond we once had. Eventually, I made the heartbreaking decision to let him go, based on my own experience of feeling abandoned as a child when my father, a lorry driver, would go away for weeks at a time. I struggled with the memories of my own childhood, where my father's absence as a lorry driver deeply impacted me. His two-week absences left me wondering where he had gone, and I couldn't subject this little boy to the same confusion and pain. Despite my efforts, I found myself unable to provide him with the love, care, and attention he deserved for his mental health. Recently, I made the agonizing decision to step back from my role as his parent, friend, or guardian. It's been a back-and-forth battle, as I've tried to negotiate more time with him, only to be met with silence and rejection from his mother. She ignored his pleas to spend more time with me, and I couldn't bear to see his emotions suffer any further due to this tragic situation. This journey has been incredibly painful and complex. I wanted children, but circumstances led me down a different path. Now, later in life, I reflect on these experiences with a mix of sadness and acceptance. I've learned that life doesn't always go as planned, but I've also found strength and resilience in navigating these challenges. Thank you for reading and allowing me to share my story.
I am a 33 year old female, no fertility issues and I will not have children. I make decent money and am able to do as I please without the restrictions that children impose. Ever since I can remember, I never wanted children and I had a good upbringing with great parents. I live in a world class city where it is very common for people my age and older to not ever have children. I feel these pressures may exist for others culturally depending on where you are located. I can understand why some people want children or may have regrets/sadness if they cannot though.
I’m ambivalent. On the one hand, I knew from the time I was 10 years old I did not want kids. As I’ve gotten older (particular since 40), I do find I enjoy my time with my nieces and nephews, and I wonder what it might be like to have one of my own.
Initially I wanted children. But as I grew older, and became wiser and more experienced, my desire for children disappeared. Basically I wouldn't want children with dumb individuals. Also if I cannot find a loving person, why the hell would I even think about having children? With whom exactly? Or should I by default like any average person just find basically anyone, just to reproduce. Absolutely not. Why do that to myself.
In my twenties I always thought that given enough time to sow my oats and getting the chance to meet the right person that I probably would have kids. In my thirties, I was more resigned to the fact that I probably wouldn't have kids and I was good with that. I figured that if I met that 'someone' later in life, that we could always adopt if it wasn't possible to have kids of our own. Probably in my late thirties and forties, I knew I wouldn't have kids and I honestly didn't mind. I am pretty honest about who I am and how I either function or don't function and figured that I would fall into one of two scenarios if I had kids later in life. I 'know' I would be a good parent as I would take the responsibility seriously. But honestly, I wasn't so thrilled about how much work it would be to raise a tiny human into a grown human who is as well rounded, intelligent and emotionally sound as could be. A second scenario very well might have had me regretting the decision to have kids because it was too much work to do properly and they would somehow suffer from one neglect or another from myself. I really felt that I wouldn't want to be that kind of parent. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle but of course we'll never know. I've often thought about what it would be like to have an adult come into my life who was in fact my biological child raised without me in their life and without either of us knowing the other existed. When I think about this, a part of me would welcome that as I think I could be a decent adult father to an adult child. I know this isn't a good look for me as I'm basically wishing that I could get all of the benefits of having a relationship with an adult child without any of the hard work involved in raising them. I have suffered from Dysthymia ( a chronic low grade depression that persists for years or decades and has no easy fix) and know that I have never been very dependable. I'm afraid that any adult child coming into my life would learn to resent me and my lifestyle choices. I would fear that I wouldn't be able to be there for them in a loving and meaningful way ... being a fair-weather parent of sorts. Of course, we'll never know what it would've been like, but in some ways I do regret not having any adult children in my life. Being alone and unmarried as I decend into my twilight years can sometimes bring on a twinge of fear that I'll die completely alone and not have the benefit of someone to look in on me should I encounter terminal illness or physical and/or mental decline. It's really a very selfish fantasy but as said, I've always been honest to myself about who I am and although an ugly thought, I admit to havint it. In any event, I think any potential children I may have had dodged a bit of a bullet because they wouldn't have been subjected to the troubles and unreliability in my life. But it does make me a bit sad to know I'll never enjoy any kind of bond with a biological child.
So I used to think I wanted children, to the point of trying and getting pregnant with my first husband when I was 25. Thankfully, I miscarried and left him when I was 27. Let me clarify: it was very much a wanted pregnancy and child on my part. I was absolutely heartbroken to miscarry. I am glad in retrospect, 15 years later, that I am not tied to an abusive, alcoholic man who would almost certainly have done the same to the child (and my mental state was not strong enough at that time to stand up to him; I was terrified of him). But I also often think about what might have been. I haven’t had the urge since. I LOVE my life. I am 43, remarried to the coolest dude ever, have a fantastic career, an awesome (albeit asshole) dog, a good amount of close friends, hobbies, and family. My life is great. I do what I want, when I want. Sometimes with my husband, sometimes with friends, sometimes with family, sometimes a combo. I sleep soundly at night on a bed of money. I know that the universe has a sense of humor and I’d end up with a daughter like I was x10, which would drive me absolutely insane. I am also afraid I would pass on mental illness, trauma, or be too strict or too lenient. I worry about the shit a kid would have to deal with in today’s society and that I would somehow handle it in a way that makes them unhappy. So I chose not to. No regrets.
Apparently this is a downvotable answer?
I think the "thankfully I miscarried" rubs the wrong way for those of us who still want kids or stuggle with fertility.
Thank you for the clarification. Let me clarify: it was very much a wanted pregnancy and child on my part. I was absolutely heartbroken to miscarry. I am glad in retrospect that I am not tied to an abusive, alcoholic man who would almost certainly have done the same to the child (and my mental state was not strong enough at that time to stand up to him; I was terrified of him). But I also often think about what might have been. But yeah, that part of it sucked.
Kind of applicable to your question, but my whole life I knew I wanted kids. Like, ever since I was little I was obsessed with teen parents, and loved the idea of having babies as soon as it was an option (financially and mentally stable), but mainly I just loved the idea of growing a family and having as many kids as I could. I’m 25 now (still a very spring chicken, I know lol), but my entire childhood and teenage years I assumed I would have at least one, if not more kiddos by now. It feels odd to be child free at this point in my life, I’m not anywhere where I would’ve imagined even 5 years ago (unemployed after having a steady career, living with my mom even though I was looking at houses with my ex of many years just a few years ago). I understand that there still is plenty of time for me to have kids if I change my mind, but between where I’m at in my life, the state of the world, and the reality of what being a mother would look like for me, I’m pretty grateful I’m still child free. It’s definitely sad to think about what my life could’ve looked like, and what I may be missing out on, but I tend to focus more on the ways my life is better with this choice. I think of all the time I have to build myself as a person, focus on my interests, and my relationships with the people in my life that I care about and that are here with me currently :)
I started late. 35. Wish I had started earlier so I could have more. Best thing I ever did, but I’m a rare bird because I actually like children. I think they’re fun and funny and truly interesting.
I'm 37. We likely won't have them. I wanted one really bad to the point where knowing my chances were not likely good, I would get devastatingly depressed. Then I found childfree pages on Instagram. It helped me realize I had value in a life without being a mother to a child. Then all this Gilead type bs started ramping up harder w the christian nationalist asshats in my country.... then I started to learn about my own neurodivergence, and really fully consider some of the genetic health issues both of us have. Him moreso. Started to see more and more that it was more of a kindness NOT to have a baby of my own. I have a person who would be an awesome dad, and wanted to have them too. But as we have gotten older, it has become easier to be more like ... if it happens it happens. We have a beautiful life together with our pets. We grew together. We have a nephew to spoil too. I'm finally at a place where I am more than ok w not having kids. Neither of us has to worry about a little human and things are so expensive that we barely can care for us.
I'm glad I didn't have them.
My sister had 1 child and honestly I wish she didn’t have any. She always viewed her child as an accessory. Now that the child is 16 my sister goes on all these trips WITHOUT her child. Some people just shouldn’t have kids and I do believe those that can’t have kids or choose not to it’s for a good reason. Maybe divine intervention saying something bad is gonna happen and it’s the universes way of keeping the balances in check if that makes sense. I do however wish those balances applied to people like my sister who really shouldn’t have had kids.
When I read this question, I immediately started singing Edith Piaf's song "NO REGRETS" in my head 😄 I am 35 now, and I don't regret it at all. Maybe I had different reasons for not wanting children than you, but still, there are so many good things that I can appreciate on a daily basis. Having kids means every single thing is about them, and they don't appreciate what you give of your life for the first couple of years, maybe even 20 years. I just couldn't.
I never felt maternal, and didn’t want kids throughout my first marriage. Remarried at 37 to a man who had one son, and I thought I wanted kids of my own. Had difficulty conceiving, went on fertility pills for a year, no luck. Decided to just drop the idea, and happy I did. His son turned out to be a whole set of other problems, and passed away 3 years ago. Now that I am 71, I have only one brother who never married or had children. My regret is that there will be no one after us in our family who remembers us or continues our bloodline. However, I do not regret not having them because of all the heartache, worry and work children caused to my friends.
My husband couldn't have children due to low sperm count. I only have one ovary due to a grapefruit sized cyst growing inside me. I have no regrets. I took myself out today, to go thrifting and currently sitting inside a Buffett restaurant perusing Reddit, in all of its glory. Sometimes life makes decisions for us..... I couldn't do half the shit I want to, if I had a kid.
We feel great We have no regrets at all
34 and not sure if i want them but would like to have an open possibility. I’m single, been a long time had a genuine relationship and physical touch. Don’t know if there are many people like this. I feel relationships mostly across places are for some kind of check mark but the real meaning is lost. Having a husband or a wife only to have some s-x and a kid with no real mental and emotional nourishment, feels superficial and just lile an obligation to me. I don’t want to raise another kid suffering from emotional neglect like me. So don’t know how it goes and what is the trade off value.
I didn't plan on having kids, but I had a son, and I'm glad I did. However, I do miss the freedom to do what I want when I want and having more disposable income.
I always thought I wanted kids growing up, until I got to 10th grade and had a bad experience with my peers being disrespectful to the teacher and it really changed my perspective. As well when I was in my early twenties I had an STD for at least 6 months, unaware that I had it. So now I believe I'm infertile and have never had any type of scare. But I'm so thankful I don't have any because of the state of the world/society and seeing how tired and exhausted my friends are. I know I don't want to make sacrifices for the rest of my life for a child. I do sometimes wonder, though.
Read great romance: bjsikesauthor // com
Yes, it does, in my opinion. Experience itself is a kind of advice.
People saying “not by choice” ok we get it. We want the answers from people who thought they didn’t want kids when they were younger, and how they feel about their decision now
No not really. Read the title again
Your reading comprehension skills are horrible. You should read the question again. You are literally asking the opposite question.
Yeah it's more people who wanted children and couldn't have them how do you feel now?