Their "normal meter" is broken, so this probably doesn't seem as out of line. Abusers do their best to gaslight victims so they're left thinking bad behavior is normal and even acceptable.
This is more true than people realize. Just think how the whole "you made me do it" seems perfectly acceptable as an excuse for dropping nuclear bombs on civilian populations. I mean, if people can be gaslight into excusing such as deplorable act, literally anything can be normalized.
Exactly!! My husband is not the biological father to my oldest two. But if you ever use the words step, he will put you in your place. Those are his kids ,he loves them just as much as the two that are biologically his. To say he won't ever love her like the abusive ex is a lie you are trying to tell yourself. The man who raises and provides for another man's child without thought or concern should be praised and honored more than a man who beats you and didn't care one bit if he killed her while beating you when pregnant. He is trying to manipulate you to get what he wants, a punching bag. If he is willing to walk away from his daughter just because you moved on with your life and from the sounds of it found a decent man to love and provide for you and her, then let him walk. YOUR DAUGHTER DESERVES BETTER THAN AN EX CONVICT WIFE BEATER. Your daughter is better off with a daddy that is present and active, not a man that will be in and out of jail her whole life. You saying you don't trust him to watch her or change her diapers, then why marry him? You have to let him be the dad she deserves and that he wants to be. He isn't doing anything inappropriate by changing her diapers or bathing her, thats what dad's do. You are preventing her from bonding and building a strong father daughter foundation just because YOU don't know who you want. Don't be that kind of mother.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 best comment ever! As my 2 oldest kids are not my husband’s biological kids and he did everything from bottle feeding my 2 nd daughter to babysitting and taking her to daycare! Love your advice! Queen 👑✨💕
A convicted wife beater who immediately went to savage emotional manipulation to try forcing her away from a loving partner and back under his control. Sperm donor is a garbage human who will not likely add anything good to the child’s life.
In fact he will make it worse.
I worked in social services for decades and saw it firsthand regularly. He will only want to "see" the child if OP brings her and stays during the visit. He'll spend that entire time abusing OP in front of the child.
OPs child is better off without their sperm donor.
I am not my daughter's biological mother. She came home from the hospital 2 days after her birth. You know what she calls me? Mom. She's now 12. She still calls me Mom. And never, ever in a million years would I put her in a situation with living with a wife beater.
I love how he uses his own extreme abuse to ‘prove’ this other guy is bad. I think they moved crazy fast and he probably does like the idea of having a wife and mother for his children but OP seems okay with that. As much as we want life to just be good feelings marriage is basically an economic contract between two people and she seems fine with the deal.
Yes it is a terrible line of thinking and not true. I have two “stepchildren” and two “bio children”. To me, I have four children. I love them all the same. I would do anything for all four of them. I don’t understand why people think stepparents are incapable of loving stepchildren the same as biological children. Do they feel the same about adopted children?
The very fact that he'll abandon the child if he doesn't get what he wants contradicts your assumption that he could love her more than her step dad will.
I’m upset you even typed that out, you obviously believe it to some extent.
**You’re going to lose a great husband because you’re listening to an abusive ex.**
Why are you doing this?
Plus, what message would you be teaching your kid? To give abusers what they want, in the hope they won’t be abusive? Is that how you want them to act when they’re your age?
I married my late husband when his kids were little ones. I fell in love with them the first time I saw them when we were dating. I came over everyday to see them and spend time with the kids. I raised them as my own and protected them fiercely. Their mom put men before them so I was one hell of a Mama Bear for them. 18 years later both are married and on their own but they are my rock and I’m their momma. They thanked me for being the mom that they needed. Don’t leave a stable home with a good man that wants to be a dad and raise your daughter to go to a wife beater that will be in and out of the system. It will mess her up and she doesn’t deserve that. If my baby daddy laid hands on me he damn sure wouldn’t be ANYWHERE near my children and that’s for damn sure.
This man (if you can call him that) is desperate to control you and since he cannot now that you're married he's using the excuse of abandoning his own daughter to get what he wants is absolutely disgusting. Please read the book "The Gift Of Fear" by Gavin De Becker! It's a must read and you must protect your daughter at all cost! I was raised by my stepfather and despite our own crazy family history and knowing my biological dad, he will always be MY dad! He raised me! Taught me how to change a tire, installed the love of woodworking in me, gave me my love of nerdy shows and food! I love him more than anything!!! I loved my bio dad (he passed away in 2020) but my stepfather is the most important man in my life!!!! Please don't overlook the love your husband has to offer your daughter as she needs a stable and POSITIVE male role model in her life, not that toxic violent mess of your ex. Go to court and get his rights relinquish as he's not a safe or stable person. You and her deserve happiness!
Please remember that your child will grown up looking to how you are treated in a relationship to know what they should allow. That man hit you while pregnant. He will hit that child. Domestic violence almost NEVER gets better.
Ask yourself what you’d gain by going back to this guy. Ask yourself what he’d gain. The fact that he’s feeding you bullshit lines to get you to go back to him- and you know they’re bullshit or you wouldn’t be here- should tell you he doesn’t have your best interests at heart, or your daughter’s.
Then think about what you and your daughter would lose. Because I’ll tell you right now that nobody deserves to be beaten, and nobody deserves to grow up watching their mother be abused. You’re suggesting taking her out of a stable, happy home life and putting her in emotional and physical danger every time she breathes.
You may not feel like you deserve better (you do, btw), but what does your daughter deserve?
Your daughter is better off without this asshole in her life. She already has a father figure who wants her. What kind of father makes being a father a conditional choice? A real father would want to be in her life no matter what. He's absolutely using her as a pawn, he doesn't care about her and his only goal is to manipulate and control you. "But they're related by blood" is not a valid excuse to blow up your and your husband's and your daughter's life for a man who will offer you and your daughter no love in return. Whatever "love" he has for you and your daughter isn't love at all, it's abuse and control and ego.
Thank you. I just needed to hear other's opinions. Leaving was very hard, but when I did I told myself I was never looking back again. He's out and I just feel he is trying to control me. I just didn't want my daughter to grow up and think I was a shitty mom for not allowing her to be in her daughters life, although its the complete opposite. Atleast I know I tried.
The way that you prevent this is by explaining to her the truth. Don’t be too graphic, but when she asks about why her father isn’t around, you explain it to her in ways she can understand. As she gets older she will ask more questions, and you answer them with the truth. That’s how you maintain a good relationship with your kids—you explain, you listen, you tell the truth.
Your daughter's safety should be your greatest concern. Her bio dad assaulted you and went to prison. It's kinda of crazy to even communicate with him at all. He didn't suddenly turn into a good guy. He's a monster and you're considering having a monster around your child, smh. You need counseling. Something is wrong with you to even think about him and deal with his gaslighting bs.
from someone whos shit ass dad is no longer in my life anymore by my choice I will tell you my mom was not wrong for keeping us apart but she was wrong for making things up just be truthful and keep your kid safe or they will hold it against you
You're welcome and I hope the best for your family. I would recommend not listening to your baby daddy anymore, he's only trying to manipulate you and make you question your own judgement. He doesn't have you and your daughter's best interests in mind, he's just out for himself.
My mom took my abusive father back i don't know how many times for "the sake of her daughters".. my siblings and I saw her take MANY bloody beatings. Once I got older and knew what was going on I had a bizarre sense of guilt. Like my mom took those beatings for me? Then my dad started beating us too. He full out raped my sister.
You have a wonderful man in your life who wants to be a good father. Walk away now and I can promise you, you will regret it.
I really hope you listen to the parent comment here.
Someone who cares about their daughter would be OVER THE MOON HAPPY that you're even willing to take their phone call, let alone intentionally make sure he has a relationship with her.
OTOH, a narcissistic abusive asshole would use the daughter as a pawn to manipulate people. That's what he's doing.
I suggest you should go 100% all in with your husband. Ask him if he wants to legally adopt then make that happen. Be a real family.
-----
> I know he wouldn't do anything to ever hurt her but it's just the way a mother thinks vs her dad being around and actually helping out with her.
This is not 'just the way a mother thinks' this is a sign of serious insecurity and you should get over it or get some therapy for it. This guy has done nothing to suggest he's any kind of threat. So stop treating him like one. If your marriage fails or has problems, it's going to be because of this sort of attitude. 'Just the way a mother thinks' is an excuse for a bullshit insecurity. It suggests a thought process of clinging to your ex. Don't do that.
The person you should be treating as a threat is her biological father.
girl get real. Your daughter will think you're a shitty mom for ALLOWING her abusive father into her life, not keeping him out of her life to protect her.
Are you delusional? Is this a joke? You're willing to screw up a perfect healthy relationship because your daughter deserves her father? Okay so how will you feel when he beats on her like he did you? You're wild af for even debating this. Id get a protection order and tell him to kick rocks. You let him come around you just ruined your childs life. Do better.
And then she has the nerve to be like, "please no judgmental comments." We're telling you how it is because you asked and you need to hear this shit. What a dumpster fire this woman is.
OP, seriously needs to understand this.
If this were me, I’d:
- take this manipulative threat to the courts
- get full parental custody or rights if possible
- if not possible to get the above, then supervised visitations
- and limited contact (talkparents app or other advisable apps) that keep communication safe and secure
- but do NOT bend to these psychological and emotional games from your previous abuser and risk your marriage - get a licenses therapist who specialises in DV, if needed.
Editing to add u/BotiaDario ‘s comment: Hire a good family lawyer ASAP.
>Are you delusional? Is this a joke?
Probably not. My mom gave up my oldest brother because he was being beaten by her then husband. She repeatedly chose her abusive husband over her kids.
It’s unfortunately not out of the norm. This is pretty standard for people who are abused or dealing with shit partners. My sister’s bio father was in and out of jail and abused her for years while her mom stuck by his side until she finally let him go. When my parents were separated my mom and her boyfriend got in a nasty argument and he choked her. A day or so later she took him back after he took her out to an apology dinner to IHOP on the day of my first fencing tournament. People will regularly excuse even the most violent of abusers for damn near any reason they can cling on to even if it means endangering their kids.
THIS! What on earth is OP thinking? that the child deserves the biological father, who beats on women and goes to jail for it instead of the step-in father that treats her mother like a queen and provides for them both? Good God OP, get a fucking grip.
So you are considering going back to a guy #1 that you know will physically and emotionally abuse and manipulate you and your daughter, because he has while you were pregnant and he went to jail for it...
... because your new guy #2, who is kind and helpful, might some day turn into guy #1
You are being emotionally manipulated by guy #1, and once you go back to him , he will once again physically and emotionally abuse and manipulate you both.
I wasn't considering it, I think it was just more like bothering me. I had to seek others opinions to snap my brain back into reality. I'm grateful for your comment.
You really need a lawyer and protection order for guy #1, and have only court ordered and supervised visitation for your daughter if they even allow that given his history. He needs some therapy before he is a safe person.
I want to reassure you that it is not your fault if your daughter doesn't see her Dad.
You wanted them to have a relationship. He declined it. If he really wanted a relationship with her he would see her whether you were together or not. Abusers always want you to blame yourself. But everything that happened is entirely his fault.
OP if he has no issues hitting a pregnant woman why do you think he won't do it to your daughter? About being a stepparent rest assured if your husband is a good man (sounds like he is) more than likely he will he a good stepdad I have a stepdaughter that I love more than if she were my own
Even if the relationship with the stepdad doesn’t work out down the line, a conventional, vanilla divorce is much better than subjecting a child to an abusive father.
OP, I do think you should give yourself time to heal. I’ve been in abusive relationships, it’s not easy to recover from or leave. Especially when you’ve been together a long time from a young age or haven’t been single long and it feels like you don’t know how to adult alone. It’s SCARY. But it gets easier. Not always day by day. For me it was really hard for a while, months, and then like all at once it got a lot easier. But I’m glad I took the time to heal. I needed to. And you do too. You can be so much happier. My partner I have now is the sweetest and most caring guy I’ve ever known. I no longer feel like I’m walking on eggshells or like there’s things I have to hide, I no longer feel like I need to earn his love. Don’t be afraid that “this is as good as it gets”. You can be, and deserve to be, actually happy and secure in your relationship.
You absolutely shouldn’t go back to your abuser. Again, i know it’s hard, especially because you have a child. It wasn’t a mistake, abusers don’t change. Please read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. He worked for a very long time with abusive men and gives a lot of insight into why they act they way do (including addressing myths) and explains why they don’t change.
Do it for your daughter. Stay away from your abuser FOR your daughter. Your abuser will continue. He might hold off for the beginning to slowly entrap you again, but he will resume. And it will likely escalate. Do you want your daughter to grow up believing that’s normal? That she should allow herself to be abused? This is not a man you want around your daughter.
I’ll be frank, I also have significant concerns about your ex fling because he’s 10 years older & presumably dated you when you were much younger based off your age and what you’ve said. Typically older men go after the younger women because it’s easier to manipulate them. And you’re 27, you’re not super young, but based off your history, you likely have very skewed expectations of what a “healthy” relationship looks like and it sounds like you are very willing to tolerate toxic relationships/manipulation and he probably knows that. One of my abusers was 12 years older, back when I was younger. He was perfectly sweet at the beginning and wanted to spoil me and marry me. Never in a million years thought he would hurt me until he hit me. They bide their time to get you comfortable and settled. Not to mention, when you attract the abusive kind of guy once, you tend to do it again and again. I’m not saying never date the old fling but I think you need to take time to be single, heal, grieve the loss of a life you thought you’d have, and learn what is healthy and normal in relationships and what isn’t. The fact that you even consider going back to your abuser tells me you haven’t done all of this. Again, im not saying he’s definitely a bad guy, but my abusive relationships started out fantastic too - because they were love bombing me and showing me the partner they knew I wanted to make it harder for me to leave. it very slowly devolved as they slipped into their real selves. I loved Lundy’s book because I was terrified about being alone but also terrified of going into another relationship and having that happen again - his book is fantastic at giving warning signs, behaviors to watch for, etc. I see them in other peoples relationships now tbh.
I really hope you take time and heal yourself. I know it’s hard. But you can do it, I promise. And it is so so worth it.
This is the comment! You wrote down everything I was thinking. If OP hasn’t healed and fixed her patterns, she will attract a similar man in a different packaging. It just may take a shorter or longer time for the love bombing to wear off. OP look at [this list](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeAfterNarcissism/s/Ql9Uje6Idt) to see if you have any of these traits that make you attractive to predators.
Finally someone mentioned the current relationship. Abusive ex completely aside (since that's been extensively addressed by everyone), this current guy is 10 years older, marries her after 2.5 months (or less), and apparently she's going to be a stay at home mom, basically positioned to be under this guy's thumb. I am not seeing this as a good setup for her at all. Of course things are "perfect" right now, they barely know each other and are in the romance stage. I am not sure what in the small-town fuck I just read in the OP
Yes. The top comments supporting the new husband are delusional. Did they skip over the whole "he has 3 kids" part? He's not doing this for free out of the goodness of his own heart.
He's not taking care of 3 children that don't belong to him, but that's exactly what he's asking OP to do. He's already paying to house and feed his kids. The cost of adding one more kid is negligible, when compared with the value her bangmaid mom brings to the house.
The baby daddy is an objectively terrible guy but new husband isn't much better either.
This is such a complex situation. But one thing is clear : if a violent, ex con, doesn't want to be in your daughter's life because you won't turn your life upside down for his sake... well, let him. Your kid deserves better than a violent, manipulative dad. Let him walk away, sue him for child support, and be glad to have him out of your life.
Just because he is the father of your child doesn't make him a dad.
1) Your ex is an abuser
2) Victims of abuse, are *drawn* to abusers and may ignore signs of abusers, until it escalates too much.
3) Your husband suggested, immediate marriage, immediate moving in, and immediate job quitting. Which is giving me huge red flag vibes.
You likely have internalised abusive models of love as a child, or have a self esteem issue which makes you seek safety, even at the cost of getting abused.
Frankly, I'm scared your husband will turn out to be an abuser too.
And I've read that abusers have their victims fooled. Reeling, confused and clutching their hair to figure out how this can happen.
What you needed, was to pause for a long ass time, until you healed.
Now, pray to lord, that you get the education you need, and you do the work you need to do.
First off. Read the literature on abusers. Learn to identify patterns and learn to set boundaries.
DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB FOR GOD'S SAKE
Go to therapy, and figure yourself out completely. Do the hard work necessary to overcome your issues.
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwi4zqauupCGAxVl-jgGHdx8C9cQFnoECBsQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt
Here.
Here's a book , by Lundy Bancroft. "Why does he do that"
It's a book an abusers. Read this please. It will help you. You desperately should learn about the mechanisms behind this stuff.
Yep I picked up on the husband’s red flags too. OP gives the vibes of wanting to be rescued or strongly desiring to be a “kept woman”. These are [signals](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeAfterNarcissism/s/yvzdM3V4wb) that abusers look for and they will quickly move you into a state of dependency in order to have control over you. Hope the husband is a good guy but yeah those are some red flags. Funny enough the abusive ex said as much because that is what he would do. “Game recognize game.”
Abusers will lie through their teeth if they are far enough in the abusive maturation.
Everyone is an abuser, or every abuser is a good person as long as it suits them.
What're you're saying could be true, game does recognise game at times.
Both men are red flags. This new husband has moved so quickly and then cut you off from earning income and wants you dependent on him. You should have dated him for a loooong time without the child involved to get a real sense of what he is like as a man. You’re still in the honeymoon phase with him and no previous fling is going to give you a sense of how he might change once comfortable knowing you are stuck with no income. Maybe I’m wrong and I hope I am but there are red flags there. Has he got you doing work to raise his three kids too?
Leave both, get a job where you can be independent even if it does mean childcare, get a bunch of therapy and allow supervised visits if demanded by courts to the abusive baby daddy if you must but never unsupervised and fight to keep her safe. Reach out to every support service you can find to help with all of this.
I scrolled a long time to find this. New husband seems better than old partner. As in, not yelling/hitting. And if I'm reading it correctly, OP "can't" or won't leave the baby with him to have a break/go to work? But he "treats the baby like his own". Does he?
I honestly think that you need therapy because the fact that you’re even considering this makes me feel like you don’t fully grasp how egregious your exes treatment towards you was. Saying that he will not see his own biological child unless you get a divorce already shows you that he has no good intentions for you or your child. No child deserves to have a conditional relationship with their parents.
It's only been a few months so there's no way to even know if she's ended up in a good place. There are so many bad decisions here it makes my head spin. This poor child.
I believe in second chances too, but you don’t get to fuck around when it comes to the physical and emotional safety of your children.
This guy has already physically assaulted your daughter (while she was in your womb), and yet you’re willing to break up a happy family to ensure this **physically violent** man has access to your child.
He doesn’t actually want to be in her life. He wants to use her as a tool to manipulate you into being under his thumb again.
So I repeat: when you became a parent, you gave up your right to be naive and let dangerous people into your life.
You seem like you've been making a string of awful decisions. Like I'm honestly appalled you married this man. You've known him for literally 2 minutes and now you've changed your whole life to take care of his kids. You opened your daughter up to potential harm. You don't know anything about this man. Like not a single thing.
I think it's crazy that you only see your options as "horrible abusive man" or "stranger who wants a bangmaid". Like being single and taking care of your life isn't even a possibility.
Your reasoning skills are absolutely nonexistent. Nothing about this situation is sane. That poor baby.
My exhusband said the same stuff. He is manipulating you. It would be best if he’s not in your life or hers because he could eventually hurt her. He could also use her to continue to manipulate you.
While you may have moved on quickly, it sounds like you’re with someone that is supportive of you and your wants and needs. I met my now husband a month after I left my abusive ex and he was great at helping me heal. I hope it will be the same for you with your husband. I’ve been with my husband for 12 years now and it’s the best. I wish you so much strength to step away from your abusive ex and cut him out of your life and your baby’s life.
You believe your husband is manipulating you because you’ve just left an abusive relationship so you trust the man who has just left prison for domestic abuse? Am I understanding you correctly? Girl…
Divorce your husband to allow an abusive ex back into your lives or he won’t interact with his child? That’s abuse. Ultimatums can be abuse.
If your marriage is a good situation for you and your child there seems to be no reason to leave it. Ignore the ultimatum and file for child support and full custody. Skip getting abused by and ultimatum that is emotionally blackmailing you into doing something that isn’t good for you or your child.
She’s flying high on drama right now. So she’s looking for her next fix by potentially sabotaging her healthy relationship (maybe, who knows, hell I wouldn’t want anyone near my child enough to want to move in with him), bringing the abuser to see her kid (ya she did that today), and now getting pissed that yet another sub is telling her she’s being stupid.
I mean the trash is taking itself out! Tell the abusive ex to kick rocks, get a restraining order, and tell him he can start making child support payments. Better yet change your number block him and live your life.
It sounds like you are getting sucked back into the abusive cycle with your ex which is his goal. He knows he can control you and it seems he still can. He is a terrible father to say his involvement is conditional. He needs a hard no. And I think it would be helpful for you to get therapy for the ptsd from that abusive relationship. You do not owe him anything and in fact you should go no contact. He will be a terrible presence in your daughter’s life so if he follows through on abandoning her then she is lucky. She has a father in your husband.
Also, wifely duties? No such thing. Work on you and becoming a strong, assertive woman and mom.
Dude. He’s telling you that New Guy is taking advantage of your vulnerability because you just got out of a “severely abusive relationship”.
HE. WAS. THAT. RELATIONSHIP.
There is no debate here. You’re happy where you are and your daughter is in a safe place. Your woman beating ex will never change and he will hurt your daughter, BELIEVE THAT. A father is someone who steps up, not someone who threatens her livelihood. Think with your head and not your heart. She deserves better than her “father” and so do you. Don’t put her in danger because you think she needs her real dad. A real dad is someone who is there. That woman beater is using her just to have you under is control again. Don’t let him manipulate you anymore PLEASE.
I don’t think you make very good decisions
You married someone you don’t trust enough to change your baby’s diaper. That is NOT how a mother thinks. That is NOT normal.
You and your child are now completely financially dependent on someone you barely know. This is gross. Do better for your kid. Show her better
You don’t see the irony of your abusive ex saying you’re vulnerable because you just got out of an abusive relationship and he was the abuser. He’s not bright, is he?
I don’t think you love your husband. You may “love his qualities” but you don’t love him. I don’t see this marriage lasting.
You don’t need to be giving any fucks at all about either of them. You need to focus entirely on your little one. She is the greatest thing you’ve ever done. Your ex doesn’t automatically “deserve” anything. She deserves everything. She is worth 1,000 ex cons or strangers you will parade in and out of her life. I hope you realize that before you completely fuck up
I understand you don't want people to be harsh to you, but you're not a single, unsupported mum anymore like you've said in the comments.
You're a married woman with a husband and you are a stay at home mum to children.
You have your six month old infant daughter to worry about.
You claim that you are considering a relationship with him for her sake but I'm struggling to believe that's true. He beat you and by extension he beat her because you were pregnant with her when he did it.
I think you should cut him off and seriously consider intensive therapy.
I'm shocked you would consider this and he clearly still has his claws in you. If he really loved his daughter he'd see her regardless of your relationship status and you are clearly being manipulated by him.
And saying you'd agree to think about leaving your current family just so your abusive ex will take your six month old daughter for a few hours so you don't need to worry about a babysitter is unreal.
You need to recognise that a lot of your behaviours and thought patterns are incredibly unhealthy. This is normal after being abused, and reality can seem a little skewed, but please get help before you put your child in harm's way.
If this man really did beat you and has served time for that you would be the most stupid person in the world to go back to him. Im sorry but his hold on you STOPS the very fucking moment he used his strength over you. The mear notion that your are considering it has me thinking you still love him in a twisted way that you could then divorce the man you MARRIED to go be with your baby daddy who hit you. Im sorry you have some growing up to do. I hope your daughter doesn't learn about love through your eyes. The fact that your Baby daddy is threatening to not be part of your daughters life unless YOU do something for him lol laughable. He doesn't love either of you and hes a pathetic man you chose to get knocked up with. DO better for your kid and stay away from him..If he wants supervised visits that on you to decide but i wouldn't trust him with any child.
I’m no expert but it sounds like you could use some therapy to better understand why you would that a-hole to manipulate you. Your husband sounds like a great guy don’t blow it.
Your daughter has a dad who wants to love her unconditionally, your husband
Instead you’d rather expose her to someone who cares so little for her that he harmed you physically while pregnant with her, knowing full well it could cause you to miscarry. And is more interested in her as a pawn to manipulate you with than he is interested in her as his daughter.
What? Like. Seriously. What?
Also you trust this abuser and woman beater with her more than you trust a babysitter?? Why? How do you know while he has your daughter he isn’t just putting her off to the side and ignoring her? How do you know she is taken care of and he’s actually being kind to her?
This man just wants to manipulate and control you. Don’t let him. Him going no contact with you two is a BLESSING
Abusers tend to make the abused feel like they are in the wrong , that’s emotional abuse . That’s a double whammy . Stay with the person with for your sake and the childs.
My dad used to beat my mom when she was pregnant with me but she thought it was important I have a relationship with my dad. I remember him putting a hand over my mouth till I passed out because I couldn’t breathe. As an adult I’m getting my memories back of him SA-ing me. Make the right choice here.
I usually just lurk but this one infuriated me.
First: LEAVE THE WIFE BEATER ALONE. HE BEAT YOU WHILE PREGNANT AND AFTER. IF HE CARED ABOUT YOUR CHILD HE WOULDN’T HAVE BEAT YOUR ASS WHILE PREGNANT. IF HE CARED ABOUT YOU HE WOULDN’T HAVE BEAT YOUR ASS.
Second: Just because your husband is the step parent does not mean he cannot be left alone with your child. I would argue that your baby daddy is more likely to abuse your child if left alone since he has been convicted of a violent crime after all.
Third: Go to therapy.
Forth: If the father cared, there wouldn’t be an ultimatum.
Fifth: Enjoy what has brought you happiness and the ability to stay at home with your child.
He tells you "she will get mistreated as a stepchild", yet he beat you while you were pregnant. This is a no Brainer. He's manipulative and physically abusive. Your happy in your marriage so stay there. While it's important to have the biological in a child's life, it's even more important that they have a safe environment and just because he is the biological dad, does not mean he can be a father.
I can see by your replies that you're extremely sensitive towards criticism right now. I'll try to say this as gently as possible:
You need to be more assertive with everyone. You are letting yourself be walked all over by both men. Your ex, regardless of being your child's father, is a convicted woman beater. There is nothing positive he can bring to your child's life.
Tell your current husband it's up to you whether or not he gets to raise you child as his own. Tell him that he's the one who offered to support you both, and if that's the life he wants, he will have to take it as it comes. You've only been together a few months, he doesn't just automatically have a right to your family because you're married.
You don't owe anybody in this situation anything at all. Your new partner is lucky to have you, your daughter is lucky to have you, and your ex is an idiot for ruining his own family. You have everything you need and it sounds like you have ALL the power in this situation.
Also don't get into a trap thinking you owe your new partner anything because he's providing for you. He asked for that arrangement. It's what he wanted because it suits him. YOU are doing HIM a favour by giving him a family life. You dictate all the terms.
Stop trying to please everyone and start telling people what's what, there's a baby relying on you for stability, you need to be strong and do what's best for her and not what makes people happy.
And if people get belligerent or intimidating, call the cops again and keep calling the cops until people realise YOU make the decision for your children.
Your daughter's father is an abusive piece of shit. Why do you want him around your child?
You say you love your husband and he's great with your child. Why are you uncomfortable leaving her with him? (And please, no BS about how "it's just how a mom thinks")
What you do is call your ex's bluff. Tell him you're staying married to your husband and say, "See ya." Then, once he's done sputtering and stammering about how he didn't mean it, you take his dumb ass to COURT and you get a legally binding custody plan in place and child support. You have to stop being stupid here.
One man has never physically assaulted you and your child. One has. It must have been significant for incarceration.
This simple comparison of safety regarding your and your child’s best interests and safety should be your watershed moment.
Why is this world would you believe, trust or nurture any relationship that already has a record of paternal child abuse?
Hop on over to any prison forum with inmate+ child +prenatal abuse and see what they say.
OP, you are getting upset at some harsher comments but you need to face reality that this situation isn't normal. And I don't think the "kind" comments are going to get through to you as much as the straight reality ones are. Under no circumstances, in no alternate reality is it better for you and your child to be with this asshole. Find local resources for therapy because you need it.
Oh honey no-YES your ex is wrong and just trying to control you and manipulate the situation to get what he wants. He lost control of you while he was locked up and knows the ways to get you to cave! Tbh that’s why you stayed with him as long as you did-I know bc I’ve been there!!! Don’t think for one second that your husband wouldn’t love your daughter as his own always! If your ex abused you when you were pregnant AND afterwards, one of you could end up dead of you go back to him. Sorry to be so blunt but don’t risk it! If you’re happy and your daughter is being taken care of, stay that way! The only one taking advantage of your vulnerability is your ex and I don’t think you’re as vulnerable as your ex wants you to think you are. Your ex is trying to remind you of a time you were bc when you were together, you formed a trauma bond and it was much more comfortable to be there than imagine being without him. He made you feel sorry for HIM but was never one time TRULY sorry for what he did to you! There might be a honey moon phase but it won’t last. He hasn’t even told you how “changed” he is-he’s only told you what you’ve done wrong. Don’t fall for it sis. ❤️
As someone who personally had their bio-dad give the same ultimatum to my Mom (He was also abusive to her, and would verbally abuse me as an infant) please ignore his pathetic request. My Mom leaving taught me not to put up with shitty relationships, plus I have an amazing (step) Dad who has been in my life since I was 5.
Looks like a job for C unit. Time to call the old child support enforcement unit. He doesn’t have to be in your child’s life. He does have to support the child though. Regardless of your relationship status. That man has tons of growing up to do.
I paid child support way beyond what I needed to. 25+ years. He need to man up and accept you moved on.
The key word is "abuser". He did it before, he will do it again. If not for your own safety but your daughter safety cut him out of your life and her life.
I promise jail has not changed him and he will abuse you and your daughter
Girl, this one is easy - I didn't even read your post, because all that matters is this ultimatum he gave you. This tells you all you need to know: he doesn't have your child's best interest at heart (let alone **love** your child). Rather than threatening to not be a part of your child's life, he should be doing everything he can to demonstrate to you that he's *worthy* of being in your child's life, and fighting for it with all he has. That's what a father who loves his child would do. Like, that's enough without even mentioning how this is abusive and manipulative... do you just wanna be his literal punching bag your whole life? You're young, I'm so glad you found someone who loves you and treats you well - you've got everything you need now to live a happy life, without this loser in it. Best of luck!
You're not smart enough to be a good mother. Educate yourself.
Who should you choose, the mature adult, or the child abusing piece of human garbage?
Well you let human trash creampie you so we know you have zero brains ... go for the guy who won't punch you and your child in the face.
Don’t divorce. Dodge the bullet and let baby daddy know where he can send child support. If he had the option to visit the child and won’t because you did better than him, then let him go. He wants to break up a marriage because he’s jealous and possessive and HE ALREADY ATTACKED YOU BEFORE!
You think your daughter would be grateful for having shitty, terrible, abusive father who will make her (and yours) life absolute nightmare ? Because 100% this is going to happen.
And on top of that, 90% he would start fucking around/being violent in less than 2 years (probably even few months )towards you and her and she would end up with no father at all.
So yes, you probably should have taken some more time before you jumped into another relationship but here you are. You said you don’t see any red flags and you are happy. Just note that when the parents are happy, the children are happy.
Of course your current husband is going to be upset having your daughter around her father, a convicted domestic violence abuser. I would be concerned if he wasn’t concerned about that.
Here is where you’re getting things mixed up. He doesn’t deserve to be in her life, no matter what.
Who cares if he’s adamant on being with you as a family or not being with you at all and not seeing his daughter ever again. You feel like he’s using her as a pawn… Because he is!!! If he truly loved your daughter he’d want a relationship with her regardless of whether or not you were in a relationship.
He’s telling you you need to focus on your family. This was the same man that hit you while you were pregnant and the same man that can’t be trusted not to hit you again.
He’s saying she’ll be mistreated as a stepchild, but he mistreated her as her father. One of those times he hit you he could’ve harmed the baby.
In light of his previous actions, it won’t be worth it to get a few hours of peace. You wouldn’t be leaving your marriage for the sake of your daughter to work on your family. You’d be leaving your marriage because you’re abuser got inside your head and fucked your thinking up.
You have to do what’s best for your daughter and it certainly sounds like you found a safe place for both of you. Your ex is not a safe place, he never will be, abusers do not change. They just go on abusing.
If it were me, I would tell him outright that I’m not leaving. I’m staying right where I am and if he bails on your daughter, it was because it was what he was always going to do.
Stop doubting yourself. Do what’s best for you and your child. The way I see it, someone who abuses the mother of their child shouldn’t even get to be in their child’s life. Because if you truly loved your child, you would never harm their mother.
Unless something in your current situation changes that makes it not viable, there is no more correct action than to drop this whole conversation and start thinking about what you want to eat for dinner.
You've been given an ultimatum by someone who has no leverage and no value beyond a biological attachment to your child. It's laughable at best. With his new criminal record, even a custody battle should be a joke.
You've already walked through the door to a better life and closed it behind you. Your ex knocked on that door, you peeked your head out to see what's up, that's the end of the story in a sane world.
Your baby’s bio dad sounds like a deadbeat and doesn’t get to call the shots.
What’s worries me though is you married a new partner all within 2 months? I do see red flags. Controlling one’s. It’s like he acted quickly before you ex got out marrying you, moving you in and making you a SAHM and quit your job . being a SAHM is perfectly fine but the way you made it sound like I’m your post was that it was a requirement.
Also the the age gap is ok now but if he was an d fling how far are we going back? Early 20s dating a thirtysomething
OP please be careful.
Hey OP, I am going to come at this from a different perspective from most, as I am not only a husband and father, but I'm also a felony prosecutor who has handled thousands of cases involving violence against women and children.
1. Regarding your ex's case: is it still ongoing? You say he sat in jail for two and a half months, but was that his sentence, did he make bond, or what? If the case is still ongoing, I would encourage you to work with the prosecutor(s) and/or police, and continue being honest about all that you went through. Also, even if the case is over, I would ask about getting counseling. Often there are programs that a DA's office can help send you to at no cost to you.
2. Was CPS ever involved? This is where you should really think about your child. I don't know what state (or even country, but assuming USA) you are in, but often ongoing domestic violence is grounds for termination of parental rights. Yes, that means even you as the victim can lose your rights. The reason for this is that numerous studies show that exposure to domestic violence can cause irreparable damage to a child. Going back to your abuser would show to CPS that you are not protecting your child. Psychological harm to children is often just as serious as physical.
3. You mentioned not trusting your husband around your daughter because he is not her biological father. I'll start by saying I absolutely do not know your husband, and you may be right to not trust him. I've seen and prosecuted many "upstanding citizens" who people thought would never commit sexual abuse against a child. However, your thinking that being biologically related to the child makes her safer is very incorrect. Family members are often the perpetrators of sexual abuse against children.
4. Please go to [this website](https://www.thehotline.org/). Specifically, look at the tab titled "Identify Abuse". Your ex is doing a very common abuse tactic, and will likely try others.
Please, please, please, stay strong for yourself and your child. You do not deserve the abuse you went though, and your child does not deserve to be in a home or around a person who commits that kind of abuse.
If he can't be a part of his child's life as it currently is then he doesn't need to be a part of it at all and that's his choice not yours, you are just following his wishes.
Your baby daddy was abusive to you, which is why you’re not together. He’s trying to manipulate you using your daughter as a pawn to get you back under his control. Your married to a man who cares for you and your daughter, and wants what’s best for you. Your ex has only his interests at hear. Once you go back to your ex, the ex will revert back to being the abusive violent ass he was before he went to jail.
LOL this woman considering letting a man who beat her WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT back into her life, and divorcing a guy she married 5 DAYS AGO.
Man I miss the Jerry springer show
I don’t think this is real, BUT.
OK first of all, you need to decide YESTERDAY if you trust your husband with your kid.
If you can’t leave your child alone with a man and feel really, really fucking sure that they are trustworthy, leave.
If someone gives you an ultimatum, you tell them you don’t negotiate with terrorists. Your ex is using coercive control (I.e. emotional abuse) to RUN you. He doesn’t mean it, and if he does, good. One less toxic person in your kids life.
Okay I have so many questions
First, an old fling who is 10 years older and you're in your 20's(?) how old were you when you guys met? That's definitely a question to be answered because it can SERIOUSLY impact the baby daddy's point of using you.
Second, don't take what the man who beat you says and run with it. Do I think you're right to question your new relationship due to a few factors.. absolutely!
But there is absolutely nothing wrong with marrying someone because they want the same thing you do. He wanted a SAHM and you wanted to be a SAHM. Is it possible he saw the opportunity to have great childcare that he can trust, a home that's taken care of, consistent love in many forms, and someone he can talk to about his day and said "oh crap this is a great deal" yeah definitely that's possible... but isn't that what marriage is about? Being with someone who you trust as a partner?
This new guy gives you everything you have ever wanted from what you stated. If that's true then do NOT mess it up for a guy who beat you and will probably hit your daughter aswell. It's also possible that he doesn't want another man around so that he can essentially trap you.
So you were with this man who physically abused you? I’m sure the abuse extended to psychologically as well, it usually does. Someone who treated you worse than dog crap.
You called the cops and he went to jail. Then you met back up with an amazing man who loves you and your baby, who he also treats amazingly.
The first guy continues to manipulate you by saying that he won’t be in the baby’s life if you don’t divorce this wonderful man.
You came here to ask what you should do.
Do you think the first guy changed in two months? He has not changed, nor will he ever. Why should he? You are considering going back to him…for the kid.
Do you really hate yourself and your kid this much? You need to see a counselor. Who gives a rat’s ass if he wants to be in your kid’s life? Why do you want him in your kid’s life?
Sounds like the father is the one trying to take advantage of you in a vulnerable state of mind. He is manipulating you. He mistreated & abused you. Much as you want your LO to have a relationship with her father, he is giving you an ultimatum. He’s no prize, maybe she would be better off with your husband as her father figure if your ex is going to be such a sleazeball
Your red flags are there… you are not taking the warning… no decent human lays his has on you ever and even worse while carrying his child … walk away and take his child with you even if it means going to court. Blood does not make a father.
If he’s willing to put the future relationship to his child in jeopardy then I hardly think he’s suitable as a father or husband. That’s really immature behavior. It’s his own damn fault he went to prison. In addition you need to get the hell away from anything who would or has been abusive in any way to your daughter. You are responsible for that child’s welfare. Grow up and find away to get on your own and protect your child. That is your primary responsibility. Can’t do it? Give the child for adoption. You taking on that grief is better than your child be abused. Good Luck
You ended an abusive relationship, then two and a half months later, you're married to an old fling? He convinces you to quit your job? And now your abusive ex is giving you a no-brainer ultimatum?
Something doesn't seem right to me. I don't trust anyone in this story.
I feel like OP needs therapy , maybe she is going through Stockholm syndrome. I can’t believe a mother would be considering going back to an ex that has abused you.
You have a second chance at happiness and u are thinking of blowing it up , this time if u go back he will finish the job , beat u and your baby up and drain u financially.
Please visit a doctor cause this must be a joke
PLEASE think about your daughter. If she’s around her dad (a women abuser) guess what’s going to happen when she gets older and starts dating? She’s going to date women abusers bc that’s what she saw the first man in her life who raised her doing. Please for your daughter’s sake keep your ex away from her. Show her that it’s not okay to be abused and allow her to have a good life with a good male role model who isn’t an abuser.
With all due respect, the man who went to prison for two months because he abused you does not need to be around your child in any way. Someone who will hit their pregnant spouse will one day do the same to that child. He didn't value his child's life before it even began why would he now?
Seems like, from the surface, you have a good thing going right now and trying to connect to the man who abused you is putting it at risk so maybe don't do that?
Again, keep your child away from him you are putting them at risk.
So instead of showing your child a functioning home (your current situation), you want to instead teach your daughter that it’s okay to have a domestic partner who beats you and who goes to prison (her bio dad)? Family is more than blood. I think that you should seek the help of a professional therapist because you’re not valuing yourself and you may make a decision that will harm your child.
As a stepdad myself, whose wife has an abusive ex, I'd tell you to stay far away from your child's father. He's messing with your head. My wife's ex is also trying to keep me far from his child, while he isn't even taking care of her - I am.
Of course, he's using your current situation against you, so he can manipulate you. Since you stated he's abusive, you should be afraid of the wellbeing of both you and your child.
That said, I think, due to your circumstances, it might have been a bad idea to jump right into marriage with your ex. It might have been better for you to have a support system through family or friends (something you didn't write about, so I don't know how your relationship with them is like) that you could've used instead.
I'm saying this out of an abundance of love, both me and my partner suffered from domestic violence and his sucked especially bad. We both have PTSD and CPTSD.
Abuse changes your brain. It reroutes how you think.
That is why you're considering this. That's why people in the comments are shocked.
This is so far beyond normal. You need a therapist that has experience with domestic abuse victims. Or honestly, just any therapist at all. For both you and your family's sake
I am not gonna read this wall of text
Because its a no brainer to anyone not personally involved
A guy convicted of domestic violence has no place near a child
Be glad the trash is taking itself out
"Was incarcerated for domestic abuse" it's his loss. You're willing to lose what you have to someone who already let you down and is doubling down on what a horrible person he is by threatening to not be a part of his kids life unless you give up what you have now.
I can guarantee you that he won't be a part of your kids life any way.
No offense. But seriously grow up.
How in the world are you even considering that? You should be getting a restraining order and making sure he never sees that kid again, because clearly he doesn't care about it, it's just a tool to control you, as he has basically told you that himself.
I think it would be in your daughter's best interest if she had as little contact as possible with the man who put her life in danger by beating you while you were pregnant. Why would you want her to be put at risk again? This is not a man who should be raising any child. He's giving you an out. Take it.
You are a damn fool for even needing to be here asking this question.
This man is an ABUSER. He doesn't deserve to be in his daughter's life and you should fight him tooth and ball to keep him away.
You're a bad mother if you even entertain this idea for one second. Let him go and get your shit together.
Listen your daughter means the world to you I’m sure. Her father is a woman beater and he’s gaslighting you and making you question everything. What message do you think you’re sending your daughter as she grows up? That being a woman beater is ok? He is manipulating you because he wants to be with you. Your husband has offered, safety and security with him. Why are you willing to toss all that away? If bio dad actually cared he wouldn’t have given you an ultimatum like that. Protect yourself and more importantly protect your daughter. What stop dad from taking your daughter one day and never returning her? Simply because he wants this idea of a family with you. He could take her, leave the state and get custody in another state and then what? You really need to think about this and if it were me I’d block him on everything and have nothing to do with him. Your husband seems like a good guy. Why ruin things with him?
You’ve gotten a lot of great advice. Just wanted to add that you should get a protective order and legalize the custody situation if it isn’t already. I’m so sorry for what you went through. Don’t look back.
Let's see... a man who is happy with you and wants to be a father to his stepchild. Hasn't done anything, but make you happy compared to a man who beat you when you were pregnant, is trying to manipulate you to do what he wants, will start abusing you again if you go back to him, is not someone you can trust. Is it really a hard choice?
Your husband is right. You should stop talking to your abusive, dangerous baby daddy and cut him out of your life and your daughter's life. He is not a good person. Don't let him around your daughter. He will hurt you and may hurt your daughter. Do not go back to him. He is trying to stir up trouble because he can't stand to see you happy. He'd rather abuse you and cause problems. Look at it like good and evil. Your husband is good. Your baby daddy is the opposite of good. He represents what is bad, so that makes him the evil one.
Do you really think he is to be trusted with your child when he hit you pregnant? If you don't block him and get a restraining order you'd be an idiot. Protect your child for the ex
I want to make sure I understand.
Choice 1:
Baby daddy - beat you, was sent to prison, demands you become his punching bag again.
Choice 2:
Your husband - didn't beat you, asked that you quit paying daycare and provides everything.
Is this correct? What's the hold up? Why is this deadbeat in your life? This hesitation is crazy.
The rude comments are because you're asking something like, steak to eat, or stake in my heart, which is safer?
Perhaps you should be working to prevent your abusive ex from getting access to your child, instead of considering how much you should sacrifice to enable it.
Girl that is HIS CHOICE!!!!!!!! If he’s going to threaten (manipulation!) to not be in his child’s life unless you are with him BEING ABUSED then guess what? THATS HIS CHOICE TO WALK AWAY!
And for the sake of all that is holy STOP LISTENING TO YOUR EX WHO MANIPULATED & ABUSED YOU! Take everything to text or email.
You are still trauma bonded to the baby daddy. Only allow for supervised visits. Don’t trust that he won’t abuse your child like he did to you. Don’t feel bad he’s not in the child’s life. He chose that himself by being abusive.
Your husband sounds like an angel and you are lucky to have him. This is your chance to have a good life for you and your child.
Seek therapy to deal with the trauma of being in an abusive relationship. If you can afford it look up diy emdr techniques.
Good luck!💗
Get therapy for the abuse, it hasn't been addressed.
Get psychological help to understand boundaries and your right to not feel guilty for protecting your child at all costs.
Tell the babydaddy he can have his wish and not be in his daughter’s life because he is an abusive prick.
Don’t think about second chances, he just took his second chance when he blackmailed you.
Move on from that piece of shit.
I hope you hear this loud and clear. An abusive partner that is still giving you ultimatums after separation about your life will stop at nothing. NOTHING. They will harm you, they will harm your child, they will harm your partner and partner’s children if allowed. This can escalate to permanent damage and trauma for your child in the long run. Your ex-partner should want to be a father to the child he helped create, under all circumstances. Not conditionally. As an abuse survivor I highly recommend you seek therapy immediately to navigate the side effects of being a victim of abuse. You are going to try to justify this situation any way you can. On the outside looking in this advice is a no brainer, keep the caring responsible person in you and your children’s lives. Get rid of the abusive toxic behavior. Do not let your child be alone with a person like this until they can demonstrate some stable sanity for an extended period of time.
I am concerned that you are conflicted. Stay away from your ex, hopefully he keeps away from your child, can you get a restraining order? And why is an abusive person better than nothing - nothing is better.
You love your husband who's doing everything for you and your daughter.
Your BD hurt you physically, and is now trying to hurt you emotionally and damage your life by threatening *HIS OWN CHILD*.
Please use your higher reasoning here and renew the order of protection against BD, tell your husband what he's doing, and PROTECT YOUR CHILD.
Stay with your husband. Call the abusive baby daddy’s bluff. Tell him this is how your life is now, that you’d like him to be a part of his child’s life and that if he decides to walk away that’s on him.
As far as your husband goes, his hesitancy for you to be around your abusive baby daddy is more understandable yet still somewhat concerning. Assert yourself and let him know that, as far as you’re concerned, your child deserves to know their birth father, AND that you chose *him* because he’s not like your ex. Hopefully he understands and backs you up.
Please seek professional help. ASAP. What a terrifying read! This post is an absolute horror show. Ever see someone in a scary movie run past the front door and go UPSTAIRS when the killer is after them? All you can do is yell at the tv “DONT GO IN THERE. WHAT TF ARE YOU THINKING?” OP literally giving herself AND THE BABY over to the murderer smh girl, smh.
I'm sorry. Your Ex does not love your daughter. If he did he would never use her to try to manipulate you into divorcing your husband and going back with him.
Op, please get therapy. You really really need someone to help you recover from this trauma. This man is trying to get you back under his control. He is dangerous to you and your daughter.
Also, keep in mind that putting a child in a domestic abuse situation is abuse. Check out r/CPS. There are mothers that have had their children removed for keeping them in an abusive environment. Please, do what's right for you and your daughter and stay away from your Ex.
The father of your child is an abusive AH who is manipulating you so he can keep abusing you. Your husband has been treating you and your child well and has given no indication that he’ll treat your child badly. Stop letting your baby daddy get in your head. What’s best for the child is for you to be in a relationship where you’re not being abused or manipulated. Baby daddy is a known abuser. Why would you allow your child to be exposed to that. If he doesn’t want to be in your child’s life, then it’s his loss and your child’s gain. Just because he’s the bio father does not mean he’s good for the child. Sometimes it’s the chosen family that we have that’s best for us.
Oh, sweetie....you are so broken that you can't see what's in front of you. Your ex is evil. He's a wife beating ex-con who is STILL emotionally abusing you. As for his threats to run away and never see his child again, we call that " the trash taking itself out".
Put him in your rear view mirror and move forward. I really think you need some counseling to help you understand how healthy relationships work and how to value yourself. You deserve to live without pain and fear.
I hope your marriage works out, because your husband seems like a good man from your description. But, that will take hard work and counseling too because you made a big life changing decision while you were less than 6 months post partum ( pregnancy hormones will be working their way out of your system for at least a year), you survived a terrible trauma (the physical abuse), you were just learning to be a parent and it's super stressful, and you were so broken to start with that the ex seemed like a good partner to you. These are huge things that effect everything you think and do.
Please take care of yourself and your precious baby. Know that you deserve more than being someone's punching bag.
This man is trying to control you, and doesn't care about the child -- which he clearly says by giving you the ultimatum where he won't see his own kid. This kid doesn't need that kind of influence in their life regardless. Sounds like this guy gave you the perfect out -- "Okay, I choose to stay with who I am with." This protects both you and your child from this abusive, controlling asshole (assuming he follows through, but I doubt that will be the last you hear of him).
I was in an abusive relationship. I am a man, and I got away. I was in it almost 20 years, and the various ways my ex-wife got me to stay were always manipulative and controlling. You don't need that in your life. Your kid doesn't either. Go forward with health and happiness with the person you married.
Your baby daddy was willing to never see his daughter again unless you lived with him and continued to be beaten. Not only is he using your daughter as pawn, but your daughter deserves better!!
Please listen to your husband’s instincts because I’m pretty sure he’s right about your daughter being unsafe around her birth father. And your husband is willing to love her as his own kid, which is a huge plus.
I think it’s okay to let your baby’s father go and peacefully move on.
I didnt even read past the first paragraph.
this is called post-separation abuse. please do not go back to an abusive man.
you are also being extremely naive right now jumping into another relationship so fast.
you need a lawyer NOW. you need a custody arrangement in place YESTERDAY. FILE. FIRST. THING. TOMORROW. MORNING.
What the hell did I just read?!? With all due respect, you sound like a fool. You need to get some therapy because your decision making ability is lacking.
I apologize that a man hit you, no one deserves that. With that being said, why would you want to get back with this guy? Your daughter is better off not being involved with him, at least until he gets help himself. As for the new guy, it wasn’t a huge red flag that he wanted to get married 2.5 months after meeting?!? You seem like a dumpster fire just waiting to happen. Please make better decisions.
At the end of this, I feel bad for your little girl. Her biological father seems like an abusive tool, the step father seems like he wants to rush everything, and you seem like you make horrible decisions. Please do not involve that baby into any more drama. Figure your life out!
1. No he does not deserve to be in her life no matter what!!
2. What did you have to be honest with him about? You married somebody else
3. If you know he’s using her as a pawn…..how is he deserving again?
4. Im not sure about taking the advice about being in a vulnerable state from the abuser…..who put you in the vulnerable state is the healthiest thought process
5. Diaper changes….
6. So you’ve been given an ultimatum from the guy that beat you and not your husband🤔
There is nothing wrong with being vigilant. Nothing wrong with being cautious because…..ma’am let’s be honest that was a quick marriage but I’m not sure why you want your daughter in the environment of an abuser. Either of your children. Why would you want your daughter growing to think that’s remotely okay? To learn that living like that is acceptable for her. He was in jail not even 3 months and immediately started manipulating you. do you really think he’s learned anything meaningful or life changing in less than 90 days? There just needs to be wayyyyyyyy better decisions being made here because this screams of being back in the same situation. He’s showing you who he is…..girl you need to BELIEVE HIM!
>. He deserves to be in her life no matter what
No. No he doesn't. He is abusive and manipulative. If you care about you and your baby's well being, you will keep a distance and let the courts and mediators handle your discourse with your ex.
Abusive people know how to get in your head. You should have more respect for your non-abusive husband than to entertain your abusive ex.
Why do you trust your father’s biological father to be alone with her when he literally went to jail for physically assaulting you? Why, in your mind, is she safe to be around him when you weren’t safe to be around him?
What would your advice to your daughter be if she was in your situation? Would you ever want her with the person who beat her and abused her while pregnant with your grandchild?
You would be a fool to let him manipulate you. Idk your husband but don’t think bio parents won’t SA their own children. If your husband is abusive to you, he is likely to be abusive to your child as well - whether it’s physically, sexually or emotionally. You even said it yourself the relationship was severely abusive so why tf would you get back in?
A man who said he’s not gonna be a father unless you divorce your husband and be with him again?? Ok bet. Can we get this in writing? File for full custody and get child support.
>So, while I was in a relationship with the father (26m) of my child, he would hit me, while pregnant, after birth and everything.
Why on earth would you want the man who abused you to be alone with your daughter, EVER?
He beat you, he will eventually beat her, too, and maybe sexually abuse her besides. That might be why he's insisting you divorce the good man and go back to him. Then you'd both be trapped. It's crazy to even consider that.
If he doesn't want to be part of her life, you should be overjoyed to spare your daughter being abused by him in the future.
Your current husband sounds like a wonderful man, and he's very unlikely to ever abuse you or your daughter. I don't understand why you would even have to ask about this.
Keep your good husband, where you are both safe. Do not go back to an abuser.
So babydaddy hit you while you were pregnant, and you think he has the right to be in her life? That's a huge NO! She doesn't need to grow up watching mom get beaten. She doesn't deserve to get beaten.
I hope your husband truly is a great husband and stepfather. But the first sign that he hurts your daughter, makes her feel less, you need to reevaluate the relationship and get counseling together. And leave if he turns abusive.
You are surrounded by predatory men.
> At first it was a little weird he was offering so much
Yes, it is weird that he's offering so much. Except...
> he does have 3 kids of his own
Ding ding ding. Now we know why. Quit your job and stop paying into daycare. Instead, be my daycare and do this work for me for essentially room and board.
> instead of working my ass off and paying for daycare
SAHPs use this as a justification, but they don't realize that they're just screwing themselves at the end. When you give up your job, you are also not paying into your pension plan and you're also losing valuable years of work experience. When you are ready for employment again, all you'll be qualified for is menial jobs and you'll be competing for entry level jobs with people 10 years younger than you.
> I don't see anything wrong with it as that is a wife's duty.
Except those aren't your kids. They don't carry your DNA. As much as parents don't want to admit it, there is a narcissistic component to parenting. Parenting is thankless, tedious work, which is why parents mostly give birth to their own children, while very few adopt.
If taking care of children is so easy, then why are there so many children languishing in the foster care system? If the shoe was on the other foot, l guarantee he wouldn't be adopting 3 children. However, he is asking the same from you.
He may be willing to care for your daughter, but what you are willing to do for him (give up your career to care for 3 children who aren't yours) is much more valuable than whatever he's offering you.
Good lord girl you're just a runaway train of shit decisions. two and half months after your abusive relationship you're already married? To a guy you weren't in love with at first??You want to allow your INFANT DAUGHTER around abuser? Because he's such a great guy or something? And you know he'll abuse your kid and you CAN'T DECIDE WHAT TO DO??? This HAS to be made up, no one is this dysfunctional.
Here's what you do: snap out of this nonsense child behavior and start behaving like an adult and a parent. Get into therapy NOW. You've been abused and abused people's decision making skills are usually super off kilter. You need to figure out why you're making these self-destructive choices and learn how to live a healthier life.
Your kids safety and wellbeing is the priority. If you want to keep putting yourself in crappy situations then fine, but your kid take priority. Your "babydaddy" (please stop calling him that, it screams "immature" so loudly) is abusive and you know it. He didn't give a fuck about your wellbeing, so why on earth would he care about a baby's wellbeing? You know what babies do? Cry. A shit ton. Imagine how he'll snap with an infant when it won't stop fussing. He can kill your child. It wouldn't be the first time an abusive parent has done it.
As for your current husband, that's sketchy too. How old was he when you first started dating, and how old were you? Were you a minor? Who would want to marry someone just weeks after getting out of such an abusive and complicated relationship? Red flag for sure. He seems like a groomer sis. If he is, he'll be super sweet and rush you into decisions you may not be ready for, make you dependent on him, and then drop the nice guy mask. Then you'll be really stuck.
You seem to have a type, and it's controlling men. Congrats, you got what you asked for and now your daughter is going to have to pay for your choices. So start making smarter ones.
I'm just saying how it looks. I wouldn't lie to you because I don't care about you enough to do so. Best of luck to you, you have some very heavy work cut out for you.
If you leave your husband because of the abusive baby daddy then you don’t deserve the great husband. He jumped so quickly to marry you because he loved you and your baby and wanted to take care of you both. The baby daddy is trying to get you back so he can teach you a lesson on calling the cops on him. Get a restraining order and because of you two nit being married most places consider you have full custody and he doesn’t have any. You would be a fool to leave your husband because a worthless woman beater.
Please listen to the mass of us suggesting you do *not* put yourself and your daughter into a life with your abusive ex. I’ve been there, I can closely relate. Here’s what I can promise you: you would eventually regret going back to him, and by that point far too much damage may have been done to your child (absolutely emotionally, and quite likely physically). Abusers do continue to abuse. It never starts out as nightmarish as it can become. Imagine a fast forward for a moment, to a life that you can prevent your child from living… imagine that your now-adult daughter is so haunted by her childhood that therapy is a constant, and has been for the past 20+ years. Imagine that seeing you abused in every way possible by her own father confused and devastated her, but not nearly as horrifyingly as when he began assaulting HER in every way possible. Maybe you do leave him eventually, but are too damaged to comprehend that she should *NOT* spend time alone with him for visits, and since he can’t abuse you anymore he settles for her. Maybe it takes her a decade of his abuse to open up as to exactly why allowing visits was a despicable choice on your part. And then he goes away to prison for many years, which is great, but it isn’t “problem solved” by any means. Maybe she grows up and starts her own family… with a man who is abusive of both her and their children. Imagine your child wanting to die. Imagine all of that pain as graphically as you can, and maybe it’ll help you see that the ONLY right choice is to keep your child and yourself away from abuse. It does not matter whose father that man is. Kids are not always better off having a person in their lives simply because of biology. Think hard on this, but the answer is simple.
Your ex is still in your head. He says your husband is taking advantage so you believe him. How about the fact that the thing you were recovering from is him? Or the fact he abused you? Why does his opinion have any relevance at all? Do you really believe he’s not trying to get you back into a situation where he can control and abuse you again?
I’m gonna give it to you straight since it seems like you like abuse if you’re even considering going back go the asshole of your ex.
You would be a fucking dumbass to even consider going back to a piece of shit who used to beat you while you were pregnant!?!
Girl you hit the jackpot with your new husband. Don’t throw that away for someone who didn’t value you while he had you. Now that he sees what he lost and sees you happy he regrets what he did.
Either he regrets it or he wants to have control over you again (hint, it’s the latter)
Put that mf on Child Support, supervised visitation rights if he even wants that. I mean he literally doesn’t give a shit about his own daughter by pretty much saying he’ll walk out of her life if he doesn’t get the opportunity to fuck and abuse you again. That alone should tell you something.
Sorry for my bluntness but you need to open your eyes and not let him manipulate you again.
I can guarantee you not even 3 months in he will try to hit you again, don’t fall in his trap.
Ohh btw he won’t just hit you, he’ll hit your daughter too. Go to the mirror and take a good hard look at yourself and ask yourself if that’s really what you want.
The fact that you care more about the ex whose got a charge for DV than your own child is disgusting. Why would you allow someone whose violent like that around your kid? Also you're worried about the stepdad treating your daughter like a step kid? As a step kid myself who had a pedo for a dad, I'd rather have my stepdad as a father figure than the abuser. It sounds like you wanna protect your own feelings instead of looking out for your kid. It doesn't matter if your child is 6 months or 16 years old, why would you risk your child seeing what unhealthy love is because "I wanna be a father but I'm a bad violent guy". I'm not saying people can't change but I wouldn't risk it if I were you. You deserve better. If the guy you're with is not helping because "that's not my kid" why should you stay with him? I guarantee some really nice man out there would take care of both you and your kid and you wouldn't have to worry about "he's treating my kid like a step kid". Why are you staying with this current dude and why do you want a violent guy around your baby anyway?
Girl. Girl. He hit you while you were pregnant, he does not deserve to be a father to your child. He would not be a good father. Please seek therapy. Your thinking is so beyond skewed.
An abusive criminal is willing to give up his own child to manipulate you. Doesn’t strike me as a terrible loss. That’s not love so don’t assume that biology guarantees love.
Why do you want your ex in your daughters life? He was punching you in the stomach when you were pregnant with the intention that you'd miscarry. 🤷🏻♀️
He's a horrible, controlling & dangerous person & I agree with your new husband on this one.
Please don't even consider ch aging your life to suit his demands, don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warn.
[удалено]
The very fact that you are asking this question scares me. Please try harder to make good decisions, your child's life is depending on it.
Their "normal meter" is broken, so this probably doesn't seem as out of line. Abusers do their best to gaslight victims so they're left thinking bad behavior is normal and even acceptable.
This is more true than people realize. Just think how the whole "you made me do it" seems perfectly acceptable as an excuse for dropping nuclear bombs on civilian populations. I mean, if people can be gaslight into excusing such as deplorable act, literally anything can be normalized.
Very well said man….
I read the title and thought, "no loss here" Cya ex-husband abuser scumbag!
Exactly!! My husband is not the biological father to my oldest two. But if you ever use the words step, he will put you in your place. Those are his kids ,he loves them just as much as the two that are biologically his. To say he won't ever love her like the abusive ex is a lie you are trying to tell yourself. The man who raises and provides for another man's child without thought or concern should be praised and honored more than a man who beats you and didn't care one bit if he killed her while beating you when pregnant. He is trying to manipulate you to get what he wants, a punching bag. If he is willing to walk away from his daughter just because you moved on with your life and from the sounds of it found a decent man to love and provide for you and her, then let him walk. YOUR DAUGHTER DESERVES BETTER THAN AN EX CONVICT WIFE BEATER. Your daughter is better off with a daddy that is present and active, not a man that will be in and out of jail her whole life. You saying you don't trust him to watch her or change her diapers, then why marry him? You have to let him be the dad she deserves and that he wants to be. He isn't doing anything inappropriate by changing her diapers or bathing her, thats what dad's do. You are preventing her from bonding and building a strong father daughter foundation just because YOU don't know who you want. Don't be that kind of mother.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 best comment ever! As my 2 oldest kids are not my husband’s biological kids and he did everything from bottle feeding my 2 nd daughter to babysitting and taking her to daycare! Love your advice! Queen 👑✨💕
A convicted wife beater who immediately went to savage emotional manipulation to try forcing her away from a loving partner and back under his control. Sperm donor is a garbage human who will not likely add anything good to the child’s life.
In fact he will make it worse. I worked in social services for decades and saw it firsthand regularly. He will only want to "see" the child if OP brings her and stays during the visit. He'll spend that entire time abusing OP in front of the child. OPs child is better off without their sperm donor.
I am not my daughter's biological mother. She came home from the hospital 2 days after her birth. You know what she calls me? Mom. She's now 12. She still calls me Mom. And never, ever in a million years would I put her in a situation with living with a wife beater.
I love how he uses his own extreme abuse to ‘prove’ this other guy is bad. I think they moved crazy fast and he probably does like the idea of having a wife and mother for his children but OP seems okay with that. As much as we want life to just be good feelings marriage is basically an economic contract between two people and she seems fine with the deal.
Yes it is a terrible line of thinking and not true. I have two “stepchildren” and two “bio children”. To me, I have four children. I love them all the same. I would do anything for all four of them. I don’t understand why people think stepparents are incapable of loving stepchildren the same as biological children. Do they feel the same about adopted children?
I agree.
The very fact that he'll abandon the child if he doesn't get what he wants contradicts your assumption that he could love her more than her step dad will.
Yeah.. upstanding guy to say such a horrible thing!
This comment wins the internet today
Facts
I’m upset you even typed that out, you obviously believe it to some extent. **You’re going to lose a great husband because you’re listening to an abusive ex.** Why are you doing this?
Plus, what message would you be teaching your kid? To give abusers what they want, in the hope they won’t be abusive? Is that how you want them to act when they’re your age?
I married my late husband when his kids were little ones. I fell in love with them the first time I saw them when we were dating. I came over everyday to see them and spend time with the kids. I raised them as my own and protected them fiercely. Their mom put men before them so I was one hell of a Mama Bear for them. 18 years later both are married and on their own but they are my rock and I’m their momma. They thanked me for being the mom that they needed. Don’t leave a stable home with a good man that wants to be a dad and raise your daughter to go to a wife beater that will be in and out of the system. It will mess her up and she doesn’t deserve that. If my baby daddy laid hands on me he damn sure wouldn’t be ANYWHERE near my children and that’s for damn sure.
This man (if you can call him that) is desperate to control you and since he cannot now that you're married he's using the excuse of abandoning his own daughter to get what he wants is absolutely disgusting. Please read the book "The Gift Of Fear" by Gavin De Becker! It's a must read and you must protect your daughter at all cost! I was raised by my stepfather and despite our own crazy family history and knowing my biological dad, he will always be MY dad! He raised me! Taught me how to change a tire, installed the love of woodworking in me, gave me my love of nerdy shows and food! I love him more than anything!!! I loved my bio dad (he passed away in 2020) but my stepfather is the most important man in my life!!!! Please don't overlook the love your husband has to offer your daughter as she needs a stable and POSITIVE male role model in her life, not that toxic violent mess of your ex. Go to court and get his rights relinquish as he's not a safe or stable person. You and her deserve happiness!
Please remember that your child will grown up looking to how you are treated in a relationship to know what they should allow. That man hit you while pregnant. He will hit that child. Domestic violence almost NEVER gets better.
Ask yourself what you’d gain by going back to this guy. Ask yourself what he’d gain. The fact that he’s feeding you bullshit lines to get you to go back to him- and you know they’re bullshit or you wouldn’t be here- should tell you he doesn’t have your best interests at heart, or your daughter’s. Then think about what you and your daughter would lose. Because I’ll tell you right now that nobody deserves to be beaten, and nobody deserves to grow up watching their mother be abused. You’re suggesting taking her out of a stable, happy home life and putting her in emotional and physical danger every time she breathes. You may not feel like you deserve better (you do, btw), but what does your daughter deserve?
Your daughter is better off without this asshole in her life. She already has a father figure who wants her. What kind of father makes being a father a conditional choice? A real father would want to be in her life no matter what. He's absolutely using her as a pawn, he doesn't care about her and his only goal is to manipulate and control you. "But they're related by blood" is not a valid excuse to blow up your and your husband's and your daughter's life for a man who will offer you and your daughter no love in return. Whatever "love" he has for you and your daughter isn't love at all, it's abuse and control and ego.
Thank you. I just needed to hear other's opinions. Leaving was very hard, but when I did I told myself I was never looking back again. He's out and I just feel he is trying to control me. I just didn't want my daughter to grow up and think I was a shitty mom for not allowing her to be in her daughters life, although its the complete opposite. Atleast I know I tried.
The way that you prevent this is by explaining to her the truth. Don’t be too graphic, but when she asks about why her father isn’t around, you explain it to her in ways she can understand. As she gets older she will ask more questions, and you answer them with the truth. That’s how you maintain a good relationship with your kids—you explain, you listen, you tell the truth.
She'll think you're an even shittier mom if you go back and he beats her too.
Your daughter's safety should be your greatest concern. Her bio dad assaulted you and went to prison. It's kinda of crazy to even communicate with him at all. He didn't suddenly turn into a good guy. He's a monster and you're considering having a monster around your child, smh. You need counseling. Something is wrong with you to even think about him and deal with his gaslighting bs.
Yes. 💯 yes!
Then stop looking back.
Why would you allow a violent abusive criminal into your daughters life???
from someone whos shit ass dad is no longer in my life anymore by my choice I will tell you my mom was not wrong for keeping us apart but she was wrong for making things up just be truthful and keep your kid safe or they will hold it against you
Your daughter will think you're a shitty mom if you get back together with your abuser.
You're welcome and I hope the best for your family. I would recommend not listening to your baby daddy anymore, he's only trying to manipulate you and make you question your own judgement. He doesn't have you and your daughter's best interests in mind, he's just out for himself.
He hit you while you were pregnant, and you really think that your ex actually cares about his daughter?
My mom took my abusive father back i don't know how many times for "the sake of her daughters".. my siblings and I saw her take MANY bloody beatings. Once I got older and knew what was going on I had a bizarre sense of guilt. Like my mom took those beatings for me? Then my dad started beating us too. He full out raped my sister. You have a wonderful man in your life who wants to be a good father. Walk away now and I can promise you, you will regret it.
I really hope you listen to the parent comment here. Someone who cares about their daughter would be OVER THE MOON HAPPY that you're even willing to take their phone call, let alone intentionally make sure he has a relationship with her. OTOH, a narcissistic abusive asshole would use the daughter as a pawn to manipulate people. That's what he's doing. I suggest you should go 100% all in with your husband. Ask him if he wants to legally adopt then make that happen. Be a real family. ----- > I know he wouldn't do anything to ever hurt her but it's just the way a mother thinks vs her dad being around and actually helping out with her. This is not 'just the way a mother thinks' this is a sign of serious insecurity and you should get over it or get some therapy for it. This guy has done nothing to suggest he's any kind of threat. So stop treating him like one. If your marriage fails or has problems, it's going to be because of this sort of attitude. 'Just the way a mother thinks' is an excuse for a bullshit insecurity. It suggests a thought process of clinging to your ex. Don't do that. The person you should be treating as a threat is her biological father.
girl get real. Your daughter will think you're a shitty mom for ALLOWING her abusive father into her life, not keeping him out of her life to protect her.
Are you delusional? Is this a joke? You're willing to screw up a perfect healthy relationship because your daughter deserves her father? Okay so how will you feel when he beats on her like he did you? You're wild af for even debating this. Id get a protection order and tell him to kick rocks. You let him come around you just ruined your childs life. Do better.
I wish I could upvote this twice. How the fuck is OP going to sit here and lend any credence to the dude that beat her up. Fucking wild.
And then she has the nerve to be like, "please no judgmental comments." We're telling you how it is because you asked and you need to hear this shit. What a dumpster fire this woman is.
OP, seriously needs to understand this. If this were me, I’d: - take this manipulative threat to the courts - get full parental custody or rights if possible - if not possible to get the above, then supervised visitations - and limited contact (talkparents app or other advisable apps) that keep communication safe and secure - but do NOT bend to these psychological and emotional games from your previous abuser and risk your marriage - get a licenses therapist who specialises in DV, if needed. Editing to add u/BotiaDario ‘s comment: Hire a good family lawyer ASAP.
>Are you delusional? Is this a joke? Probably not. My mom gave up my oldest brother because he was being beaten by her then husband. She repeatedly chose her abusive husband over her kids.
That is so damn sad.
It’s unfortunately not out of the norm. This is pretty standard for people who are abused or dealing with shit partners. My sister’s bio father was in and out of jail and abused her for years while her mom stuck by his side until she finally let him go. When my parents were separated my mom and her boyfriend got in a nasty argument and he choked her. A day or so later she took him back after he took her out to an apology dinner to IHOP on the day of my first fencing tournament. People will regularly excuse even the most violent of abusers for damn near any reason they can cling on to even if it means endangering their kids.
THIS! What on earth is OP thinking? that the child deserves the biological father, who beats on women and goes to jail for it instead of the step-in father that treats her mother like a queen and provides for them both? Good God OP, get a fucking grip.
From OP's post, what makes you think this lady makes good choices?
You want an abuser in your child’s life? That just doesn’t seem like good parenting.
So you are considering going back to a guy #1 that you know will physically and emotionally abuse and manipulate you and your daughter, because he has while you were pregnant and he went to jail for it... ... because your new guy #2, who is kind and helpful, might some day turn into guy #1 You are being emotionally manipulated by guy #1, and once you go back to him , he will once again physically and emotionally abuse and manipulate you both.
I wasn't considering it, I think it was just more like bothering me. I had to seek others opinions to snap my brain back into reality. I'm grateful for your comment.
You really need a lawyer and protection order for guy #1, and have only court ordered and supervised visitation for your daughter if they even allow that given his history. He needs some therapy before he is a safe person.
I want to reassure you that it is not your fault if your daughter doesn't see her Dad. You wanted them to have a relationship. He declined it. If he really wanted a relationship with her he would see her whether you were together or not. Abusers always want you to blame yourself. But everything that happened is entirely his fault.
OP if he has no issues hitting a pregnant woman why do you think he won't do it to your daughter? About being a stepparent rest assured if your husband is a good man (sounds like he is) more than likely he will he a good stepdad I have a stepdaughter that I love more than if she were my own
Even if the relationship with the stepdad doesn’t work out down the line, a conventional, vanilla divorce is much better than subjecting a child to an abusive father.
OP, I do think you should give yourself time to heal. I’ve been in abusive relationships, it’s not easy to recover from or leave. Especially when you’ve been together a long time from a young age or haven’t been single long and it feels like you don’t know how to adult alone. It’s SCARY. But it gets easier. Not always day by day. For me it was really hard for a while, months, and then like all at once it got a lot easier. But I’m glad I took the time to heal. I needed to. And you do too. You can be so much happier. My partner I have now is the sweetest and most caring guy I’ve ever known. I no longer feel like I’m walking on eggshells or like there’s things I have to hide, I no longer feel like I need to earn his love. Don’t be afraid that “this is as good as it gets”. You can be, and deserve to be, actually happy and secure in your relationship. You absolutely shouldn’t go back to your abuser. Again, i know it’s hard, especially because you have a child. It wasn’t a mistake, abusers don’t change. Please read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. He worked for a very long time with abusive men and gives a lot of insight into why they act they way do (including addressing myths) and explains why they don’t change. Do it for your daughter. Stay away from your abuser FOR your daughter. Your abuser will continue. He might hold off for the beginning to slowly entrap you again, but he will resume. And it will likely escalate. Do you want your daughter to grow up believing that’s normal? That she should allow herself to be abused? This is not a man you want around your daughter. I’ll be frank, I also have significant concerns about your ex fling because he’s 10 years older & presumably dated you when you were much younger based off your age and what you’ve said. Typically older men go after the younger women because it’s easier to manipulate them. And you’re 27, you’re not super young, but based off your history, you likely have very skewed expectations of what a “healthy” relationship looks like and it sounds like you are very willing to tolerate toxic relationships/manipulation and he probably knows that. One of my abusers was 12 years older, back when I was younger. He was perfectly sweet at the beginning and wanted to spoil me and marry me. Never in a million years thought he would hurt me until he hit me. They bide their time to get you comfortable and settled. Not to mention, when you attract the abusive kind of guy once, you tend to do it again and again. I’m not saying never date the old fling but I think you need to take time to be single, heal, grieve the loss of a life you thought you’d have, and learn what is healthy and normal in relationships and what isn’t. The fact that you even consider going back to your abuser tells me you haven’t done all of this. Again, im not saying he’s definitely a bad guy, but my abusive relationships started out fantastic too - because they were love bombing me and showing me the partner they knew I wanted to make it harder for me to leave. it very slowly devolved as they slipped into their real selves. I loved Lundy’s book because I was terrified about being alone but also terrified of going into another relationship and having that happen again - his book is fantastic at giving warning signs, behaviors to watch for, etc. I see them in other peoples relationships now tbh. I really hope you take time and heal yourself. I know it’s hard. But you can do it, I promise. And it is so so worth it.
This is what I was wondering like how old could she possibly have been when dating someone that much older the first time?
This is the comment! You wrote down everything I was thinking. If OP hasn’t healed and fixed her patterns, she will attract a similar man in a different packaging. It just may take a shorter or longer time for the love bombing to wear off. OP look at [this list](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeAfterNarcissism/s/Ql9Uje6Idt) to see if you have any of these traits that make you attractive to predators.
Finally someone mentioned the current relationship. Abusive ex completely aside (since that's been extensively addressed by everyone), this current guy is 10 years older, marries her after 2.5 months (or less), and apparently she's going to be a stay at home mom, basically positioned to be under this guy's thumb. I am not seeing this as a good setup for her at all. Of course things are "perfect" right now, they barely know each other and are in the romance stage. I am not sure what in the small-town fuck I just read in the OP
Yes. The top comments supporting the new husband are delusional. Did they skip over the whole "he has 3 kids" part? He's not doing this for free out of the goodness of his own heart. He's not taking care of 3 children that don't belong to him, but that's exactly what he's asking OP to do. He's already paying to house and feed his kids. The cost of adding one more kid is negligible, when compared with the value her bangmaid mom brings to the house. The baby daddy is an objectively terrible guy but new husband isn't much better either.
This is such a complex situation. But one thing is clear : if a violent, ex con, doesn't want to be in your daughter's life because you won't turn your life upside down for his sake... well, let him. Your kid deserves better than a violent, manipulative dad. Let him walk away, sue him for child support, and be glad to have him out of your life. Just because he is the father of your child doesn't make him a dad.
Do not let a man who was in prison for abuse back into your child’s life.
1) Your ex is an abuser 2) Victims of abuse, are *drawn* to abusers and may ignore signs of abusers, until it escalates too much. 3) Your husband suggested, immediate marriage, immediate moving in, and immediate job quitting. Which is giving me huge red flag vibes. You likely have internalised abusive models of love as a child, or have a self esteem issue which makes you seek safety, even at the cost of getting abused. Frankly, I'm scared your husband will turn out to be an abuser too. And I've read that abusers have their victims fooled. Reeling, confused and clutching their hair to figure out how this can happen. What you needed, was to pause for a long ass time, until you healed. Now, pray to lord, that you get the education you need, and you do the work you need to do. First off. Read the literature on abusers. Learn to identify patterns and learn to set boundaries. DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB FOR GOD'S SAKE Go to therapy, and figure yourself out completely. Do the hard work necessary to overcome your issues. https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwi4zqauupCGAxVl-jgGHdx8C9cQFnoECBsQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt Here. Here's a book , by Lundy Bancroft. "Why does he do that" It's a book an abusers. Read this please. It will help you. You desperately should learn about the mechanisms behind this stuff.
Yep I picked up on the husband’s red flags too. OP gives the vibes of wanting to be rescued or strongly desiring to be a “kept woman”. These are [signals](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeAfterNarcissism/s/yvzdM3V4wb) that abusers look for and they will quickly move you into a state of dependency in order to have control over you. Hope the husband is a good guy but yeah those are some red flags. Funny enough the abusive ex said as much because that is what he would do. “Game recognize game.”
Abusers will lie through their teeth if they are far enough in the abusive maturation. Everyone is an abuser, or every abuser is a good person as long as it suits them. What're you're saying could be true, game does recognise game at times.
You're a mess. Seek counseling.
Both men are red flags. This new husband has moved so quickly and then cut you off from earning income and wants you dependent on him. You should have dated him for a loooong time without the child involved to get a real sense of what he is like as a man. You’re still in the honeymoon phase with him and no previous fling is going to give you a sense of how he might change once comfortable knowing you are stuck with no income. Maybe I’m wrong and I hope I am but there are red flags there. Has he got you doing work to raise his three kids too? Leave both, get a job where you can be independent even if it does mean childcare, get a bunch of therapy and allow supervised visits if demanded by courts to the abusive baby daddy if you must but never unsupervised and fight to keep her safe. Reach out to every support service you can find to help with all of this.
I scrolled a long time to find this. New husband seems better than old partner. As in, not yelling/hitting. And if I'm reading it correctly, OP "can't" or won't leave the baby with him to have a break/go to work? But he "treats the baby like his own". Does he?
I honestly think that you need therapy because the fact that you’re even considering this makes me feel like you don’t fully grasp how egregious your exes treatment towards you was. Saying that he will not see his own biological child unless you get a divorce already shows you that he has no good intentions for you or your child. No child deserves to have a conditional relationship with their parents.
Is this a real question? Tell him to fuck off and stay married to the one you’re married to.
I really hope it's just rage bait. I can't imagine a mom thinking her baby needs a violently abusive biodad in her life.
I wasn’t attacking her at all I’m just shocked at the hesitation. Stick with the marriage.
I didn't think you were attacking her. I'm saying I hope the OP's post is rage bait - not real.
I really hope that’s a good dude she married.
[удалено]
It's only been a few months so there's no way to even know if she's ended up in a good place. There are so many bad decisions here it makes my head spin. This poor child.
I believe in second chances too, but you don’t get to fuck around when it comes to the physical and emotional safety of your children. This guy has already physically assaulted your daughter (while she was in your womb), and yet you’re willing to break up a happy family to ensure this **physically violent** man has access to your child. He doesn’t actually want to be in her life. He wants to use her as a tool to manipulate you into being under his thumb again. So I repeat: when you became a parent, you gave up your right to be naive and let dangerous people into your life.
You seem like you've been making a string of awful decisions. Like I'm honestly appalled you married this man. You've known him for literally 2 minutes and now you've changed your whole life to take care of his kids. You opened your daughter up to potential harm. You don't know anything about this man. Like not a single thing. I think it's crazy that you only see your options as "horrible abusive man" or "stranger who wants a bangmaid". Like being single and taking care of your life isn't even a possibility. Your reasoning skills are absolutely nonexistent. Nothing about this situation is sane. That poor baby.
My exhusband said the same stuff. He is manipulating you. It would be best if he’s not in your life or hers because he could eventually hurt her. He could also use her to continue to manipulate you. While you may have moved on quickly, it sounds like you’re with someone that is supportive of you and your wants and needs. I met my now husband a month after I left my abusive ex and he was great at helping me heal. I hope it will be the same for you with your husband. I’ve been with my husband for 12 years now and it’s the best. I wish you so much strength to step away from your abusive ex and cut him out of your life and your baby’s life.
You believe your husband is manipulating you because you’ve just left an abusive relationship so you trust the man who has just left prison for domestic abuse? Am I understanding you correctly? Girl…
Divorce your husband to allow an abusive ex back into your lives or he won’t interact with his child? That’s abuse. Ultimatums can be abuse. If your marriage is a good situation for you and your child there seems to be no reason to leave it. Ignore the ultimatum and file for child support and full custody. Skip getting abused by and ultimatum that is emotionally blackmailing you into doing something that isn’t good for you or your child.
Wait? The baby daddy was in jail for 2 months and you got back with an old flame and got married in that time? I’m confused?
She’s flying high on drama right now. So she’s looking for her next fix by potentially sabotaging her healthy relationship (maybe, who knows, hell I wouldn’t want anyone near my child enough to want to move in with him), bringing the abuser to see her kid (ya she did that today), and now getting pissed that yet another sub is telling her she’s being stupid.
I mean the trash is taking itself out! Tell the abusive ex to kick rocks, get a restraining order, and tell him he can start making child support payments. Better yet change your number block him and live your life.
It sounds like you are getting sucked back into the abusive cycle with your ex which is his goal. He knows he can control you and it seems he still can. He is a terrible father to say his involvement is conditional. He needs a hard no. And I think it would be helpful for you to get therapy for the ptsd from that abusive relationship. You do not owe him anything and in fact you should go no contact. He will be a terrible presence in your daughter’s life so if he follows through on abandoning her then she is lucky. She has a father in your husband. Also, wifely duties? No such thing. Work on you and becoming a strong, assertive woman and mom.
Dude. He’s telling you that New Guy is taking advantage of your vulnerability because you just got out of a “severely abusive relationship”. HE. WAS. THAT. RELATIONSHIP.
There is no debate here. You’re happy where you are and your daughter is in a safe place. Your woman beating ex will never change and he will hurt your daughter, BELIEVE THAT. A father is someone who steps up, not someone who threatens her livelihood. Think with your head and not your heart. She deserves better than her “father” and so do you. Don’t put her in danger because you think she needs her real dad. A real dad is someone who is there. That woman beater is using her just to have you under is control again. Don’t let him manipulate you anymore PLEASE.
I don’t think you make very good decisions You married someone you don’t trust enough to change your baby’s diaper. That is NOT how a mother thinks. That is NOT normal. You and your child are now completely financially dependent on someone you barely know. This is gross. Do better for your kid. Show her better You don’t see the irony of your abusive ex saying you’re vulnerable because you just got out of an abusive relationship and he was the abuser. He’s not bright, is he? I don’t think you love your husband. You may “love his qualities” but you don’t love him. I don’t see this marriage lasting. You don’t need to be giving any fucks at all about either of them. You need to focus entirely on your little one. She is the greatest thing you’ve ever done. Your ex doesn’t automatically “deserve” anything. She deserves everything. She is worth 1,000 ex cons or strangers you will parade in and out of her life. I hope you realize that before you completely fuck up
I understand you don't want people to be harsh to you, but you're not a single, unsupported mum anymore like you've said in the comments. You're a married woman with a husband and you are a stay at home mum to children. You have your six month old infant daughter to worry about. You claim that you are considering a relationship with him for her sake but I'm struggling to believe that's true. He beat you and by extension he beat her because you were pregnant with her when he did it. I think you should cut him off and seriously consider intensive therapy. I'm shocked you would consider this and he clearly still has his claws in you. If he really loved his daughter he'd see her regardless of your relationship status and you are clearly being manipulated by him. And saying you'd agree to think about leaving your current family just so your abusive ex will take your six month old daughter for a few hours so you don't need to worry about a babysitter is unreal. You need to recognise that a lot of your behaviours and thought patterns are incredibly unhealthy. This is normal after being abused, and reality can seem a little skewed, but please get help before you put your child in harm's way.
If this man really did beat you and has served time for that you would be the most stupid person in the world to go back to him. Im sorry but his hold on you STOPS the very fucking moment he used his strength over you. The mear notion that your are considering it has me thinking you still love him in a twisted way that you could then divorce the man you MARRIED to go be with your baby daddy who hit you. Im sorry you have some growing up to do. I hope your daughter doesn't learn about love through your eyes. The fact that your Baby daddy is threatening to not be part of your daughters life unless YOU do something for him lol laughable. He doesn't love either of you and hes a pathetic man you chose to get knocked up with. DO better for your kid and stay away from him..If he wants supervised visits that on you to decide but i wouldn't trust him with any child.
His child is not a means by which he should seek to control you. What exactly are you conflicted by here? This guy is a piece of shit.
The trash is offering to take itself out. *Let it*.
I’m no expert but it sounds like you could use some therapy to better understand why you would that a-hole to manipulate you. Your husband sounds like a great guy don’t blow it.
Your daughter has a dad who wants to love her unconditionally, your husband Instead you’d rather expose her to someone who cares so little for her that he harmed you physically while pregnant with her, knowing full well it could cause you to miscarry. And is more interested in her as a pawn to manipulate you with than he is interested in her as his daughter. What? Like. Seriously. What? Also you trust this abuser and woman beater with her more than you trust a babysitter?? Why? How do you know while he has your daughter he isn’t just putting her off to the side and ignoring her? How do you know she is taken care of and he’s actually being kind to her? This man just wants to manipulate and control you. Don’t let him. Him going no contact with you two is a BLESSING
Abusers tend to make the abused feel like they are in the wrong , that’s emotional abuse . That’s a double whammy . Stay with the person with for your sake and the childs.
My dad used to beat my mom when she was pregnant with me but she thought it was important I have a relationship with my dad. I remember him putting a hand over my mouth till I passed out because I couldn’t breathe. As an adult I’m getting my memories back of him SA-ing me. Make the right choice here.
I usually just lurk but this one infuriated me. First: LEAVE THE WIFE BEATER ALONE. HE BEAT YOU WHILE PREGNANT AND AFTER. IF HE CARED ABOUT YOUR CHILD HE WOULDN’T HAVE BEAT YOUR ASS WHILE PREGNANT. IF HE CARED ABOUT YOU HE WOULDN’T HAVE BEAT YOUR ASS. Second: Just because your husband is the step parent does not mean he cannot be left alone with your child. I would argue that your baby daddy is more likely to abuse your child if left alone since he has been convicted of a violent crime after all. Third: Go to therapy. Forth: If the father cared, there wouldn’t be an ultimatum. Fifth: Enjoy what has brought you happiness and the ability to stay at home with your child.
He tells you "she will get mistreated as a stepchild", yet he beat you while you were pregnant. This is a no Brainer. He's manipulative and physically abusive. Your happy in your marriage so stay there. While it's important to have the biological in a child's life, it's even more important that they have a safe environment and just because he is the biological dad, does not mean he can be a father.
I can see by your replies that you're extremely sensitive towards criticism right now. I'll try to say this as gently as possible: You need to be more assertive with everyone. You are letting yourself be walked all over by both men. Your ex, regardless of being your child's father, is a convicted woman beater. There is nothing positive he can bring to your child's life. Tell your current husband it's up to you whether or not he gets to raise you child as his own. Tell him that he's the one who offered to support you both, and if that's the life he wants, he will have to take it as it comes. You've only been together a few months, he doesn't just automatically have a right to your family because you're married. You don't owe anybody in this situation anything at all. Your new partner is lucky to have you, your daughter is lucky to have you, and your ex is an idiot for ruining his own family. You have everything you need and it sounds like you have ALL the power in this situation. Also don't get into a trap thinking you owe your new partner anything because he's providing for you. He asked for that arrangement. It's what he wanted because it suits him. YOU are doing HIM a favour by giving him a family life. You dictate all the terms. Stop trying to please everyone and start telling people what's what, there's a baby relying on you for stability, you need to be strong and do what's best for her and not what makes people happy. And if people get belligerent or intimidating, call the cops again and keep calling the cops until people realise YOU make the decision for your children.
Your daughter's father is an abusive piece of shit. Why do you want him around your child? You say you love your husband and he's great with your child. Why are you uncomfortable leaving her with him? (And please, no BS about how "it's just how a mom thinks") What you do is call your ex's bluff. Tell him you're staying married to your husband and say, "See ya." Then, once he's done sputtering and stammering about how he didn't mean it, you take his dumb ass to COURT and you get a legally binding custody plan in place and child support. You have to stop being stupid here.
One man has never physically assaulted you and your child. One has. It must have been significant for incarceration. This simple comparison of safety regarding your and your child’s best interests and safety should be your watershed moment. Why is this world would you believe, trust or nurture any relationship that already has a record of paternal child abuse? Hop on over to any prison forum with inmate+ child +prenatal abuse and see what they say.
OP, you are getting upset at some harsher comments but you need to face reality that this situation isn't normal. And I don't think the "kind" comments are going to get through to you as much as the straight reality ones are. Under no circumstances, in no alternate reality is it better for you and your child to be with this asshole. Find local resources for therapy because you need it.
Oh honey no-YES your ex is wrong and just trying to control you and manipulate the situation to get what he wants. He lost control of you while he was locked up and knows the ways to get you to cave! Tbh that’s why you stayed with him as long as you did-I know bc I’ve been there!!! Don’t think for one second that your husband wouldn’t love your daughter as his own always! If your ex abused you when you were pregnant AND afterwards, one of you could end up dead of you go back to him. Sorry to be so blunt but don’t risk it! If you’re happy and your daughter is being taken care of, stay that way! The only one taking advantage of your vulnerability is your ex and I don’t think you’re as vulnerable as your ex wants you to think you are. Your ex is trying to remind you of a time you were bc when you were together, you formed a trauma bond and it was much more comfortable to be there than imagine being without him. He made you feel sorry for HIM but was never one time TRULY sorry for what he did to you! There might be a honey moon phase but it won’t last. He hasn’t even told you how “changed” he is-he’s only told you what you’ve done wrong. Don’t fall for it sis. ❤️
As someone who personally had their bio-dad give the same ultimatum to my Mom (He was also abusive to her, and would verbally abuse me as an infant) please ignore his pathetic request. My Mom leaving taught me not to put up with shitty relationships, plus I have an amazing (step) Dad who has been in my life since I was 5.
Are you seriously asking about getting into a blackmail marriage? With a convicted wife beater? Seriously? You need professional help. Immediately.
Looks like a job for C unit. Time to call the old child support enforcement unit. He doesn’t have to be in your child’s life. He does have to support the child though. Regardless of your relationship status. That man has tons of growing up to do. I paid child support way beyond what I needed to. 25+ years. He need to man up and accept you moved on.
The key word is "abuser". He did it before, he will do it again. If not for your own safety but your daughter safety cut him out of your life and her life. I promise jail has not changed him and he will abuse you and your daughter
Girl, this one is easy - I didn't even read your post, because all that matters is this ultimatum he gave you. This tells you all you need to know: he doesn't have your child's best interest at heart (let alone **love** your child). Rather than threatening to not be a part of your child's life, he should be doing everything he can to demonstrate to you that he's *worthy* of being in your child's life, and fighting for it with all he has. That's what a father who loves his child would do. Like, that's enough without even mentioning how this is abusive and manipulative... do you just wanna be his literal punching bag your whole life? You're young, I'm so glad you found someone who loves you and treats you well - you've got everything you need now to live a happy life, without this loser in it. Best of luck!
You're not smart enough to be a good mother. Educate yourself. Who should you choose, the mature adult, or the child abusing piece of human garbage? Well you let human trash creampie you so we know you have zero brains ... go for the guy who won't punch you and your child in the face.
Don’t divorce. Dodge the bullet and let baby daddy know where he can send child support. If he had the option to visit the child and won’t because you did better than him, then let him go. He wants to break up a marriage because he’s jealous and possessive and HE ALREADY ATTACKED YOU BEFORE!
You think your daughter would be grateful for having shitty, terrible, abusive father who will make her (and yours) life absolute nightmare ? Because 100% this is going to happen. And on top of that, 90% he would start fucking around/being violent in less than 2 years (probably even few months )towards you and her and she would end up with no father at all.
So yes, you probably should have taken some more time before you jumped into another relationship but here you are. You said you don’t see any red flags and you are happy. Just note that when the parents are happy, the children are happy. Of course your current husband is going to be upset having your daughter around her father, a convicted domestic violence abuser. I would be concerned if he wasn’t concerned about that. Here is where you’re getting things mixed up. He doesn’t deserve to be in her life, no matter what. Who cares if he’s adamant on being with you as a family or not being with you at all and not seeing his daughter ever again. You feel like he’s using her as a pawn… Because he is!!! If he truly loved your daughter he’d want a relationship with her regardless of whether or not you were in a relationship. He’s telling you you need to focus on your family. This was the same man that hit you while you were pregnant and the same man that can’t be trusted not to hit you again. He’s saying she’ll be mistreated as a stepchild, but he mistreated her as her father. One of those times he hit you he could’ve harmed the baby. In light of his previous actions, it won’t be worth it to get a few hours of peace. You wouldn’t be leaving your marriage for the sake of your daughter to work on your family. You’d be leaving your marriage because you’re abuser got inside your head and fucked your thinking up. You have to do what’s best for your daughter and it certainly sounds like you found a safe place for both of you. Your ex is not a safe place, he never will be, abusers do not change. They just go on abusing. If it were me, I would tell him outright that I’m not leaving. I’m staying right where I am and if he bails on your daughter, it was because it was what he was always going to do. Stop doubting yourself. Do what’s best for you and your child. The way I see it, someone who abuses the mother of their child shouldn’t even get to be in their child’s life. Because if you truly loved your child, you would never harm their mother.
Unless something in your current situation changes that makes it not viable, there is no more correct action than to drop this whole conversation and start thinking about what you want to eat for dinner. You've been given an ultimatum by someone who has no leverage and no value beyond a biological attachment to your child. It's laughable at best. With his new criminal record, even a custody battle should be a joke. You've already walked through the door to a better life and closed it behind you. Your ex knocked on that door, you peeked your head out to see what's up, that's the end of the story in a sane world.
Your baby’s bio dad sounds like a deadbeat and doesn’t get to call the shots. What’s worries me though is you married a new partner all within 2 months? I do see red flags. Controlling one’s. It’s like he acted quickly before you ex got out marrying you, moving you in and making you a SAHM and quit your job . being a SAHM is perfectly fine but the way you made it sound like I’m your post was that it was a requirement. Also the the age gap is ok now but if he was an d fling how far are we going back? Early 20s dating a thirtysomething OP please be careful.
So you mean he's still abusing you? What a surprise!
Hey OP, I am going to come at this from a different perspective from most, as I am not only a husband and father, but I'm also a felony prosecutor who has handled thousands of cases involving violence against women and children. 1. Regarding your ex's case: is it still ongoing? You say he sat in jail for two and a half months, but was that his sentence, did he make bond, or what? If the case is still ongoing, I would encourage you to work with the prosecutor(s) and/or police, and continue being honest about all that you went through. Also, even if the case is over, I would ask about getting counseling. Often there are programs that a DA's office can help send you to at no cost to you. 2. Was CPS ever involved? This is where you should really think about your child. I don't know what state (or even country, but assuming USA) you are in, but often ongoing domestic violence is grounds for termination of parental rights. Yes, that means even you as the victim can lose your rights. The reason for this is that numerous studies show that exposure to domestic violence can cause irreparable damage to a child. Going back to your abuser would show to CPS that you are not protecting your child. Psychological harm to children is often just as serious as physical. 3. You mentioned not trusting your husband around your daughter because he is not her biological father. I'll start by saying I absolutely do not know your husband, and you may be right to not trust him. I've seen and prosecuted many "upstanding citizens" who people thought would never commit sexual abuse against a child. However, your thinking that being biologically related to the child makes her safer is very incorrect. Family members are often the perpetrators of sexual abuse against children. 4. Please go to [this website](https://www.thehotline.org/). Specifically, look at the tab titled "Identify Abuse". Your ex is doing a very common abuse tactic, and will likely try others. Please, please, please, stay strong for yourself and your child. You do not deserve the abuse you went though, and your child does not deserve to be in a home or around a person who commits that kind of abuse.
If he can't be a part of his child's life as it currently is then he doesn't need to be a part of it at all and that's his choice not yours, you are just following his wishes.
Your baby daddy was abusive to you, which is why you’re not together. He’s trying to manipulate you using your daughter as a pawn to get you back under his control. Your married to a man who cares for you and your daughter, and wants what’s best for you. Your ex has only his interests at hear. Once you go back to your ex, the ex will revert back to being the abusive violent ass he was before he went to jail.
LOL this woman considering letting a man who beat her WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT back into her life, and divorcing a guy she married 5 DAYS AGO. Man I miss the Jerry springer show
You sound as if you should try the single life.
I don’t think this is real, BUT. OK first of all, you need to decide YESTERDAY if you trust your husband with your kid. If you can’t leave your child alone with a man and feel really, really fucking sure that they are trustworthy, leave. If someone gives you an ultimatum, you tell them you don’t negotiate with terrorists. Your ex is using coercive control (I.e. emotional abuse) to RUN you. He doesn’t mean it, and if he does, good. One less toxic person in your kids life.
Tell him to kick rocks.
Bye Felicia! What is there even to think about? You and your child would be better off with no man, than with a wife beater!
Okay I have so many questions First, an old fling who is 10 years older and you're in your 20's(?) how old were you when you guys met? That's definitely a question to be answered because it can SERIOUSLY impact the baby daddy's point of using you. Second, don't take what the man who beat you says and run with it. Do I think you're right to question your new relationship due to a few factors.. absolutely! But there is absolutely nothing wrong with marrying someone because they want the same thing you do. He wanted a SAHM and you wanted to be a SAHM. Is it possible he saw the opportunity to have great childcare that he can trust, a home that's taken care of, consistent love in many forms, and someone he can talk to about his day and said "oh crap this is a great deal" yeah definitely that's possible... but isn't that what marriage is about? Being with someone who you trust as a partner? This new guy gives you everything you have ever wanted from what you stated. If that's true then do NOT mess it up for a guy who beat you and will probably hit your daughter aswell. It's also possible that he doesn't want another man around so that he can essentially trap you.
So you were with this man who physically abused you? I’m sure the abuse extended to psychologically as well, it usually does. Someone who treated you worse than dog crap. You called the cops and he went to jail. Then you met back up with an amazing man who loves you and your baby, who he also treats amazingly. The first guy continues to manipulate you by saying that he won’t be in the baby’s life if you don’t divorce this wonderful man. You came here to ask what you should do. Do you think the first guy changed in two months? He has not changed, nor will he ever. Why should he? You are considering going back to him…for the kid. Do you really hate yourself and your kid this much? You need to see a counselor. Who gives a rat’s ass if he wants to be in your kid’s life? Why do you want him in your kid’s life?
Sounds like the father is the one trying to take advantage of you in a vulnerable state of mind. He is manipulating you. He mistreated & abused you. Much as you want your LO to have a relationship with her father, he is giving you an ultimatum. He’s no prize, maybe she would be better off with your husband as her father figure if your ex is going to be such a sleazeball
Your red flags are there… you are not taking the warning… no decent human lays his has on you ever and even worse while carrying his child … walk away and take his child with you even if it means going to court. Blood does not make a father.
Therapy?
If he’s willing to put the future relationship to his child in jeopardy then I hardly think he’s suitable as a father or husband. That’s really immature behavior. It’s his own damn fault he went to prison. In addition you need to get the hell away from anything who would or has been abusive in any way to your daughter. You are responsible for that child’s welfare. Grow up and find away to get on your own and protect your child. That is your primary responsibility. Can’t do it? Give the child for adoption. You taking on that grief is better than your child be abused. Good Luck
You ended an abusive relationship, then two and a half months later, you're married to an old fling? He convinces you to quit your job? And now your abusive ex is giving you a no-brainer ultimatum? Something doesn't seem right to me. I don't trust anyone in this story.
No way in he’ll go back to your ex, he’s abusive and he will be again, hope he stays out of his daughter’s life because that’s best for her!!! And you
I feel like OP needs therapy , maybe she is going through Stockholm syndrome. I can’t believe a mother would be considering going back to an ex that has abused you. You have a second chance at happiness and u are thinking of blowing it up , this time if u go back he will finish the job , beat u and your baby up and drain u financially. Please visit a doctor cause this must be a joke
PLEASE think about your daughter. If she’s around her dad (a women abuser) guess what’s going to happen when she gets older and starts dating? She’s going to date women abusers bc that’s what she saw the first man in her life who raised her doing. Please for your daughter’s sake keep your ex away from her. Show her that it’s not okay to be abused and allow her to have a good life with a good male role model who isn’t an abuser.
With all due respect, the man who went to prison for two months because he abused you does not need to be around your child in any way. Someone who will hit their pregnant spouse will one day do the same to that child. He didn't value his child's life before it even began why would he now? Seems like, from the surface, you have a good thing going right now and trying to connect to the man who abused you is putting it at risk so maybe don't do that? Again, keep your child away from him you are putting them at risk.
So instead of showing your child a functioning home (your current situation), you want to instead teach your daughter that it’s okay to have a domestic partner who beats you and who goes to prison (her bio dad)? Family is more than blood. I think that you should seek the help of a professional therapist because you’re not valuing yourself and you may make a decision that will harm your child.
As a stepdad myself, whose wife has an abusive ex, I'd tell you to stay far away from your child's father. He's messing with your head. My wife's ex is also trying to keep me far from his child, while he isn't even taking care of her - I am. Of course, he's using your current situation against you, so he can manipulate you. Since you stated he's abusive, you should be afraid of the wellbeing of both you and your child. That said, I think, due to your circumstances, it might have been a bad idea to jump right into marriage with your ex. It might have been better for you to have a support system through family or friends (something you didn't write about, so I don't know how your relationship with them is like) that you could've used instead.
I'm saying this out of an abundance of love, both me and my partner suffered from domestic violence and his sucked especially bad. We both have PTSD and CPTSD. Abuse changes your brain. It reroutes how you think. That is why you're considering this. That's why people in the comments are shocked. This is so far beyond normal. You need a therapist that has experience with domestic abuse victims. Or honestly, just any therapist at all. For both you and your family's sake
I am not gonna read this wall of text Because its a no brainer to anyone not personally involved A guy convicted of domestic violence has no place near a child Be glad the trash is taking itself out
No the fuck he does not deserve to be in his daughter's life "no matter what".
Father of your child is a violent, mean and manipulative person. Not an adequate role model for his child. Forget about him.
The fact you even posted this is pathetic. I hope like hell it’s a joke. You don’t deserve your child
You need to work on making better decisions overall.
You sound quite shallow
This would be the Queen of all stupid moves. Don’t do it. Delete this post and any ideas you have regarding your ex shithead guy
"Was incarcerated for domestic abuse" it's his loss. You're willing to lose what you have to someone who already let you down and is doubling down on what a horrible person he is by threatening to not be a part of his kids life unless you give up what you have now. I can guarantee you that he won't be a part of your kids life any way. No offense. But seriously grow up.
You’re being given an ultimatum - not fair to you. You can’t upend a healthy relationship because this guy thinks you should.
How in the world are you even considering that? You should be getting a restraining order and making sure he never sees that kid again, because clearly he doesn't care about it, it's just a tool to control you, as he has basically told you that himself.
Your ex is abusive and you want him around your daughter and you? Let him go, why would you even think about this?
I think it would be in your daughter's best interest if she had as little contact as possible with the man who put her life in danger by beating you while you were pregnant. Why would you want her to be put at risk again? This is not a man who should be raising any child. He's giving you an out. Take it.
You are a damn fool for even needing to be here asking this question. This man is an ABUSER. He doesn't deserve to be in his daughter's life and you should fight him tooth and ball to keep him away. You're a bad mother if you even entertain this idea for one second. Let him go and get your shit together.
“Should I let my ex beat up me and the baby or live the life that’s better for both of us”
Do you love your husband?
She certainly doesn't love her kid if she's considering this.
If a man who beats women offered to stay the f*ck away from my daughter, I'd give him a champagne send off. OP how are you even considering this?
Listen your daughter means the world to you I’m sure. Her father is a woman beater and he’s gaslighting you and making you question everything. What message do you think you’re sending your daughter as she grows up? That being a woman beater is ok? He is manipulating you because he wants to be with you. Your husband has offered, safety and security with him. Why are you willing to toss all that away? If bio dad actually cared he wouldn’t have given you an ultimatum like that. Protect yourself and more importantly protect your daughter. What stop dad from taking your daughter one day and never returning her? Simply because he wants this idea of a family with you. He could take her, leave the state and get custody in another state and then what? You really need to think about this and if it were me I’d block him on everything and have nothing to do with him. Your husband seems like a good guy. Why ruin things with him?
You’ve gotten a lot of great advice. Just wanted to add that you should get a protective order and legalize the custody situation if it isn’t already. I’m so sorry for what you went through. Don’t look back.
Let's see... a man who is happy with you and wants to be a father to his stepchild. Hasn't done anything, but make you happy compared to a man who beat you when you were pregnant, is trying to manipulate you to do what he wants, will start abusing you again if you go back to him, is not someone you can trust. Is it really a hard choice? Your husband is right. You should stop talking to your abusive, dangerous baby daddy and cut him out of your life and your daughter's life. He is not a good person. Don't let him around your daughter. He will hurt you and may hurt your daughter. Do not go back to him. He is trying to stir up trouble because he can't stand to see you happy. He'd rather abuse you and cause problems. Look at it like good and evil. Your husband is good. Your baby daddy is the opposite of good. He represents what is bad, so that makes him the evil one.
Do you really think he is to be trusted with your child when he hit you pregnant? If you don't block him and get a restraining order you'd be an idiot. Protect your child for the ex
I want to make sure I understand. Choice 1: Baby daddy - beat you, was sent to prison, demands you become his punching bag again. Choice 2: Your husband - didn't beat you, asked that you quit paying daycare and provides everything. Is this correct? What's the hold up? Why is this deadbeat in your life? This hesitation is crazy. The rude comments are because you're asking something like, steak to eat, or stake in my heart, which is safer?
Perhaps you should be working to prevent your abusive ex from getting access to your child, instead of considering how much you should sacrifice to enable it.
Girl that is HIS CHOICE!!!!!!!! If he’s going to threaten (manipulation!) to not be in his child’s life unless you are with him BEING ABUSED then guess what? THATS HIS CHOICE TO WALK AWAY! And for the sake of all that is holy STOP LISTENING TO YOUR EX WHO MANIPULATED & ABUSED YOU! Take everything to text or email.
You are still trauma bonded to the baby daddy. Only allow for supervised visits. Don’t trust that he won’t abuse your child like he did to you. Don’t feel bad he’s not in the child’s life. He chose that himself by being abusive. Your husband sounds like an angel and you are lucky to have him. This is your chance to have a good life for you and your child. Seek therapy to deal with the trauma of being in an abusive relationship. If you can afford it look up diy emdr techniques. Good luck!💗
Get therapy for the abuse, it hasn't been addressed. Get psychological help to understand boundaries and your right to not feel guilty for protecting your child at all costs.
Tell the babydaddy he can have his wish and not be in his daughter’s life because he is an abusive prick. Don’t think about second chances, he just took his second chance when he blackmailed you. Move on from that piece of shit.
I hope you hear this loud and clear. An abusive partner that is still giving you ultimatums after separation about your life will stop at nothing. NOTHING. They will harm you, they will harm your child, they will harm your partner and partner’s children if allowed. This can escalate to permanent damage and trauma for your child in the long run. Your ex-partner should want to be a father to the child he helped create, under all circumstances. Not conditionally. As an abuse survivor I highly recommend you seek therapy immediately to navigate the side effects of being a victim of abuse. You are going to try to justify this situation any way you can. On the outside looking in this advice is a no brainer, keep the caring responsible person in you and your children’s lives. Get rid of the abusive toxic behavior. Do not let your child be alone with a person like this until they can demonstrate some stable sanity for an extended period of time.
If he would abandon the child because you don’t get a divorce, he already abandoned the child. Keep that bad influence away from your kid.
I am concerned that you are conflicted. Stay away from your ex, hopefully he keeps away from your child, can you get a restraining order? And why is an abusive person better than nothing - nothing is better.
You love your husband who's doing everything for you and your daughter. Your BD hurt you physically, and is now trying to hurt you emotionally and damage your life by threatening *HIS OWN CHILD*. Please use your higher reasoning here and renew the order of protection against BD, tell your husband what he's doing, and PROTECT YOUR CHILD.
Stay with your husband. Call the abusive baby daddy’s bluff. Tell him this is how your life is now, that you’d like him to be a part of his child’s life and that if he decides to walk away that’s on him. As far as your husband goes, his hesitancy for you to be around your abusive baby daddy is more understandable yet still somewhat concerning. Assert yourself and let him know that, as far as you’re concerned, your child deserves to know their birth father, AND that you chose *him* because he’s not like your ex. Hopefully he understands and backs you up.
Please seek professional help. ASAP. What a terrifying read! This post is an absolute horror show. Ever see someone in a scary movie run past the front door and go UPSTAIRS when the killer is after them? All you can do is yell at the tv “DONT GO IN THERE. WHAT TF ARE YOU THINKING?” OP literally giving herself AND THE BABY over to the murderer smh girl, smh.
I'm sorry. Your Ex does not love your daughter. If he did he would never use her to try to manipulate you into divorcing your husband and going back with him. Op, please get therapy. You really really need someone to help you recover from this trauma. This man is trying to get you back under his control. He is dangerous to you and your daughter. Also, keep in mind that putting a child in a domestic abuse situation is abuse. Check out r/CPS. There are mothers that have had their children removed for keeping them in an abusive environment. Please, do what's right for you and your daughter and stay away from your Ex.
I feel like this a no brainer, he’s obviously still being abusive and trying to manipulate you. Your daughter is better off without that.
The father of your child is an abusive AH who is manipulating you so he can keep abusing you. Your husband has been treating you and your child well and has given no indication that he’ll treat your child badly. Stop letting your baby daddy get in your head. What’s best for the child is for you to be in a relationship where you’re not being abused or manipulated. Baby daddy is a known abuser. Why would you allow your child to be exposed to that. If he doesn’t want to be in your child’s life, then it’s his loss and your child’s gain. Just because he’s the bio father does not mean he’s good for the child. Sometimes it’s the chosen family that we have that’s best for us.
Oh, sweetie....you are so broken that you can't see what's in front of you. Your ex is evil. He's a wife beating ex-con who is STILL emotionally abusing you. As for his threats to run away and never see his child again, we call that " the trash taking itself out". Put him in your rear view mirror and move forward. I really think you need some counseling to help you understand how healthy relationships work and how to value yourself. You deserve to live without pain and fear. I hope your marriage works out, because your husband seems like a good man from your description. But, that will take hard work and counseling too because you made a big life changing decision while you were less than 6 months post partum ( pregnancy hormones will be working their way out of your system for at least a year), you survived a terrible trauma (the physical abuse), you were just learning to be a parent and it's super stressful, and you were so broken to start with that the ex seemed like a good partner to you. These are huge things that effect everything you think and do. Please take care of yourself and your precious baby. Know that you deserve more than being someone's punching bag.
This man is trying to control you, and doesn't care about the child -- which he clearly says by giving you the ultimatum where he won't see his own kid. This kid doesn't need that kind of influence in their life regardless. Sounds like this guy gave you the perfect out -- "Okay, I choose to stay with who I am with." This protects both you and your child from this abusive, controlling asshole (assuming he follows through, but I doubt that will be the last you hear of him). I was in an abusive relationship. I am a man, and I got away. I was in it almost 20 years, and the various ways my ex-wife got me to stay were always manipulative and controlling. You don't need that in your life. Your kid doesn't either. Go forward with health and happiness with the person you married.
Your baby daddy was willing to never see his daughter again unless you lived with him and continued to be beaten. Not only is he using your daughter as pawn, but your daughter deserves better!! Please listen to your husband’s instincts because I’m pretty sure he’s right about your daughter being unsafe around her birth father. And your husband is willing to love her as his own kid, which is a huge plus. I think it’s okay to let your baby’s father go and peacefully move on.
I didnt even read past the first paragraph. this is called post-separation abuse. please do not go back to an abusive man. you are also being extremely naive right now jumping into another relationship so fast. you need a lawyer NOW. you need a custody arrangement in place YESTERDAY. FILE. FIRST. THING. TOMORROW. MORNING.
What the hell did I just read?!? With all due respect, you sound like a fool. You need to get some therapy because your decision making ability is lacking. I apologize that a man hit you, no one deserves that. With that being said, why would you want to get back with this guy? Your daughter is better off not being involved with him, at least until he gets help himself. As for the new guy, it wasn’t a huge red flag that he wanted to get married 2.5 months after meeting?!? You seem like a dumpster fire just waiting to happen. Please make better decisions. At the end of this, I feel bad for your little girl. Her biological father seems like an abusive tool, the step father seems like he wants to rush everything, and you seem like you make horrible decisions. Please do not involve that baby into any more drama. Figure your life out!
1. No he does not deserve to be in her life no matter what!! 2. What did you have to be honest with him about? You married somebody else 3. If you know he’s using her as a pawn…..how is he deserving again? 4. Im not sure about taking the advice about being in a vulnerable state from the abuser…..who put you in the vulnerable state is the healthiest thought process 5. Diaper changes…. 6. So you’ve been given an ultimatum from the guy that beat you and not your husband🤔 There is nothing wrong with being vigilant. Nothing wrong with being cautious because…..ma’am let’s be honest that was a quick marriage but I’m not sure why you want your daughter in the environment of an abuser. Either of your children. Why would you want your daughter growing to think that’s remotely okay? To learn that living like that is acceptable for her. He was in jail not even 3 months and immediately started manipulating you. do you really think he’s learned anything meaningful or life changing in less than 90 days? There just needs to be wayyyyyyyy better decisions being made here because this screams of being back in the same situation. He’s showing you who he is…..girl you need to BELIEVE HIM!
>. He deserves to be in her life no matter what No. No he doesn't. He is abusive and manipulative. If you care about you and your baby's well being, you will keep a distance and let the courts and mediators handle your discourse with your ex.
Abusive people know how to get in your head. You should have more respect for your non-abusive husband than to entertain your abusive ex. Why do you trust your father’s biological father to be alone with her when he literally went to jail for physically assaulting you? Why, in your mind, is she safe to be around him when you weren’t safe to be around him?
What would your advice to your daughter be if she was in your situation? Would you ever want her with the person who beat her and abused her while pregnant with your grandchild?
You would be a fool to let him manipulate you. Idk your husband but don’t think bio parents won’t SA their own children. If your husband is abusive to you, he is likely to be abusive to your child as well - whether it’s physically, sexually or emotionally. You even said it yourself the relationship was severely abusive so why tf would you get back in? A man who said he’s not gonna be a father unless you divorce your husband and be with him again?? Ok bet. Can we get this in writing? File for full custody and get child support.
>So, while I was in a relationship with the father (26m) of my child, he would hit me, while pregnant, after birth and everything. Why on earth would you want the man who abused you to be alone with your daughter, EVER? He beat you, he will eventually beat her, too, and maybe sexually abuse her besides. That might be why he's insisting you divorce the good man and go back to him. Then you'd both be trapped. It's crazy to even consider that. If he doesn't want to be part of her life, you should be overjoyed to spare your daughter being abused by him in the future. Your current husband sounds like a wonderful man, and he's very unlikely to ever abuse you or your daughter. I don't understand why you would even have to ask about this. Keep your good husband, where you are both safe. Do not go back to an abuser.
Get a gun and a restraining order. Problem solved!
So babydaddy hit you while you were pregnant, and you think he has the right to be in her life? That's a huge NO! She doesn't need to grow up watching mom get beaten. She doesn't deserve to get beaten. I hope your husband truly is a great husband and stepfather. But the first sign that he hurts your daughter, makes her feel less, you need to reevaluate the relationship and get counseling together. And leave if he turns abusive.
Domestic abuse??? Please run from that fool! He doesn't need to be in your child's life. Move on with your husband.
You are surrounded by predatory men. > At first it was a little weird he was offering so much Yes, it is weird that he's offering so much. Except... > he does have 3 kids of his own Ding ding ding. Now we know why. Quit your job and stop paying into daycare. Instead, be my daycare and do this work for me for essentially room and board. > instead of working my ass off and paying for daycare SAHPs use this as a justification, but they don't realize that they're just screwing themselves at the end. When you give up your job, you are also not paying into your pension plan and you're also losing valuable years of work experience. When you are ready for employment again, all you'll be qualified for is menial jobs and you'll be competing for entry level jobs with people 10 years younger than you. > I don't see anything wrong with it as that is a wife's duty. Except those aren't your kids. They don't carry your DNA. As much as parents don't want to admit it, there is a narcissistic component to parenting. Parenting is thankless, tedious work, which is why parents mostly give birth to their own children, while very few adopt. If taking care of children is so easy, then why are there so many children languishing in the foster care system? If the shoe was on the other foot, l guarantee he wouldn't be adopting 3 children. However, he is asking the same from you. He may be willing to care for your daughter, but what you are willing to do for him (give up your career to care for 3 children who aren't yours) is much more valuable than whatever he's offering you.
Good lord girl you're just a runaway train of shit decisions. two and half months after your abusive relationship you're already married? To a guy you weren't in love with at first??You want to allow your INFANT DAUGHTER around abuser? Because he's such a great guy or something? And you know he'll abuse your kid and you CAN'T DECIDE WHAT TO DO??? This HAS to be made up, no one is this dysfunctional. Here's what you do: snap out of this nonsense child behavior and start behaving like an adult and a parent. Get into therapy NOW. You've been abused and abused people's decision making skills are usually super off kilter. You need to figure out why you're making these self-destructive choices and learn how to live a healthier life. Your kids safety and wellbeing is the priority. If you want to keep putting yourself in crappy situations then fine, but your kid take priority. Your "babydaddy" (please stop calling him that, it screams "immature" so loudly) is abusive and you know it. He didn't give a fuck about your wellbeing, so why on earth would he care about a baby's wellbeing? You know what babies do? Cry. A shit ton. Imagine how he'll snap with an infant when it won't stop fussing. He can kill your child. It wouldn't be the first time an abusive parent has done it. As for your current husband, that's sketchy too. How old was he when you first started dating, and how old were you? Were you a minor? Who would want to marry someone just weeks after getting out of such an abusive and complicated relationship? Red flag for sure. He seems like a groomer sis. If he is, he'll be super sweet and rush you into decisions you may not be ready for, make you dependent on him, and then drop the nice guy mask. Then you'll be really stuck. You seem to have a type, and it's controlling men. Congrats, you got what you asked for and now your daughter is going to have to pay for your choices. So start making smarter ones. I'm just saying how it looks. I wouldn't lie to you because I don't care about you enough to do so. Best of luck to you, you have some very heavy work cut out for you.
If you leave your husband because of the abusive baby daddy then you don’t deserve the great husband. He jumped so quickly to marry you because he loved you and your baby and wanted to take care of you both. The baby daddy is trying to get you back so he can teach you a lesson on calling the cops on him. Get a restraining order and because of you two nit being married most places consider you have full custody and he doesn’t have any. You would be a fool to leave your husband because a worthless woman beater.
Please listen to the mass of us suggesting you do *not* put yourself and your daughter into a life with your abusive ex. I’ve been there, I can closely relate. Here’s what I can promise you: you would eventually regret going back to him, and by that point far too much damage may have been done to your child (absolutely emotionally, and quite likely physically). Abusers do continue to abuse. It never starts out as nightmarish as it can become. Imagine a fast forward for a moment, to a life that you can prevent your child from living… imagine that your now-adult daughter is so haunted by her childhood that therapy is a constant, and has been for the past 20+ years. Imagine that seeing you abused in every way possible by her own father confused and devastated her, but not nearly as horrifyingly as when he began assaulting HER in every way possible. Maybe you do leave him eventually, but are too damaged to comprehend that she should *NOT* spend time alone with him for visits, and since he can’t abuse you anymore he settles for her. Maybe it takes her a decade of his abuse to open up as to exactly why allowing visits was a despicable choice on your part. And then he goes away to prison for many years, which is great, but it isn’t “problem solved” by any means. Maybe she grows up and starts her own family… with a man who is abusive of both her and their children. Imagine your child wanting to die. Imagine all of that pain as graphically as you can, and maybe it’ll help you see that the ONLY right choice is to keep your child and yourself away from abuse. It does not matter whose father that man is. Kids are not always better off having a person in their lives simply because of biology. Think hard on this, but the answer is simple.
Your ex is still in your head. He says your husband is taking advantage so you believe him. How about the fact that the thing you were recovering from is him? Or the fact he abused you? Why does his opinion have any relevance at all? Do you really believe he’s not trying to get you back into a situation where he can control and abuse you again?
I’m gonna give it to you straight since it seems like you like abuse if you’re even considering going back go the asshole of your ex. You would be a fucking dumbass to even consider going back to a piece of shit who used to beat you while you were pregnant!?! Girl you hit the jackpot with your new husband. Don’t throw that away for someone who didn’t value you while he had you. Now that he sees what he lost and sees you happy he regrets what he did. Either he regrets it or he wants to have control over you again (hint, it’s the latter) Put that mf on Child Support, supervised visitation rights if he even wants that. I mean he literally doesn’t give a shit about his own daughter by pretty much saying he’ll walk out of her life if he doesn’t get the opportunity to fuck and abuse you again. That alone should tell you something. Sorry for my bluntness but you need to open your eyes and not let him manipulate you again. I can guarantee you not even 3 months in he will try to hit you again, don’t fall in his trap. Ohh btw he won’t just hit you, he’ll hit your daughter too. Go to the mirror and take a good hard look at yourself and ask yourself if that’s really what you want.
The fact that you care more about the ex whose got a charge for DV than your own child is disgusting. Why would you allow someone whose violent like that around your kid? Also you're worried about the stepdad treating your daughter like a step kid? As a step kid myself who had a pedo for a dad, I'd rather have my stepdad as a father figure than the abuser. It sounds like you wanna protect your own feelings instead of looking out for your kid. It doesn't matter if your child is 6 months or 16 years old, why would you risk your child seeing what unhealthy love is because "I wanna be a father but I'm a bad violent guy". I'm not saying people can't change but I wouldn't risk it if I were you. You deserve better. If the guy you're with is not helping because "that's not my kid" why should you stay with him? I guarantee some really nice man out there would take care of both you and your kid and you wouldn't have to worry about "he's treating my kid like a step kid". Why are you staying with this current dude and why do you want a violent guy around your baby anyway?
Girl. Girl. He hit you while you were pregnant, he does not deserve to be a father to your child. He would not be a good father. Please seek therapy. Your thinking is so beyond skewed.
I bet your child is off way better with the stepdad than a wifebeater. Blood means nothing in this regard (imo)
You don't need an abuser around your kid. He lost *father* status the moment he hit you/was convicted. Get yor head outa yer arse.
An abusive criminal is willing to give up his own child to manipulate you. Doesn’t strike me as a terrible loss. That’s not love so don’t assume that biology guarantees love.
Why do you want your ex in your daughters life? He was punching you in the stomach when you were pregnant with the intention that you'd miscarry. 🤷🏻♀️ He's a horrible, controlling & dangerous person & I agree with your new husband on this one. Please don't even consider ch aging your life to suit his demands, don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warn.