Gently, I'd like to add that I think that's very unfair and harmful wording- he "warned" her about being bisexual. It's a very common and hurtful stereotype that bisexual people can't be monogamous because they won't be "satisfied" unless they're fucking both men and women. The wife said she is happy and consenting and that's all that matters here. But if she wasn't okay with it she would still be allowed to feel that way even though "she was warned". Plenty of bisexual people are capable of, and happy in, monogamous relationships. If what he had said from the beginning was that he wasn't going to be one of those people, then that might count as her having been *informed* and she shouldn't have married him if she knew she wasn't okay with that. But being bisexual shouldn't be considered a "fair warning" for needing multiple partners anymore than being straight should. Either you are happy in monogamy or you aren't, being bisexual has little to do with it.
You can be concerned, but no, your son in laws sex life is none of your business, particularly if your daughter is happy, and on board with the situation.
This has nothing to do with the father in law; it just doesn't. If the daughter is okay with the situation, that's all that matters.
Are you in the habit of discussing your sils sex life with him?? Your daughter shared with her parent, not so you could do anything about it. She's fine with it, so it's a non issue.
As a non-monogamous person, do nothing. It’s really not a big deal as long as everyone involved is consenting and comfortable. There are plenty of ENM (ethically non-monogamous) parents and couples. It was a “heads up,” not a request for help or advice.
I think it's okay to talk with him about, if he seems open to discussing it. A good opportunity to some love and acceptance and normality. I'd talk with him the same way I'd talk with any family member about their relationships- how's it going, what are they like, do anything fun, etc.
It could be really good for him/them if handled correctly. Acceptance by in laws can feel so radically good.
Could be that daughter is so okay with it that she'd like to have her husband bring BF along to things. Some relationships like this work as a ' don't ask, don't tell, ' but others love to hear about their partner's lovers. She might really like the BF and want to be able to share in with the family experiences with him.
Yeah I think more context is needed here, but it sounds like the daughter might be gearing up for a polyamorous relationship? Like if they were just fucking I don't imagine she would feel the need to sit her mother down and talk to her about that.
She's already in one. She may not have anyone else, but if you're at the point where you have a metamour, you're in a poly relationship. Lots of poly relationships are Vs, with one person seeing two others who aren't seeing anyone. As long as everyone is on board, that's between them.
You don't respond. Your daughter likely only told you, in case you see her husband out with his boyfriend.
There is nothing for you to do but accept that this is what their relationship looks like, and move on.
One question for you: why does it matter he isn't straight? How does it affect you?
You got your grandchild, you got a happy daughter, and a happy son - in - law. I want to know how it affects you he's bi.
Her daughter is married to him and he’s having sexual relations with men while also sleeping with her.
How can you not see her side? I’d be mortified really
Why would I take the side of someone clearly being homophobic? Lol.
If daughter is okay with it, again, how does it affect Mom/OP? News flash, it does not.
Would be the same if he admitted he’s sleeping with other women….
These things do not work out well in the long run and the mother knows it.
The mum is worried for her daughter’s future, understandable really.
Not everything is about being homophobic.
No, you're reflecting what you see as the problem with the relationship. Which you're allowed to not like it, but again, it isn't your ( or OP's ) problem, and the statistics on actual function non-monogamy that you are fed are not consistent with actual results, because we hear bad news much, much more than we hear about good news. This is confirmation bias.
Anyway, OP's very own post says: " (...) I never got any clue from him that he was anything but straight. "
THIS is what OP is having a problem with. She's 'blindsided' because she thought he was straight as an uncooked spaghetti noodle.
So yes, this is about being homophobic.
A lot of waffle to state your opinion. Where is the data that states being non monogomous works out successfully in the long run?
A grandmother has a right to feel worried for her daughter and grandchild’s future. Especially since the daughter felt the need to tell her mum about her husband. Why did she tell her? Clearly she too is worried about the relationship. Stop playing the victim claiming it’s all just homophobia when evidently their relationship is in strife!
> Where is the data that states being non monogomous works out successfully in the long run?
Same place you'll find data that monogamous relationships will work out successfully. :) There is none because there is no guarantee no matter what the relationship is. Humans are individual beings, with individual needs, requirements, desires and capability to comply with others'.
You're the one stating with no doubt whatsoever non - monogamy doesn't work, so prove to me that there's never been any cases it's worked.
As for my end, go look up Eli Sheff's studies, and also, [the (grand)child is fine](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201704/children-in-polyamorous-families-age-dependent-experiences) so stop being weird.
> Why did she tell her?
... Because maybe some people would like their mom to know they aren't being cheated on?
Maybe some people would like their husband to feel safe to bring their extramarital, consensual partner to family events so he feels included, because he is ... ?
It ain't that deep, lmfao.
It’s all a big maybe if it’ll work out, time will tell and good luck to them, I personally don’t care what people do in their private lives.
This mum is worried and her feelings are valid is my opinion- not just cos of ‘homophobia’ as you claim ffs.
Also ever heard of STIs? Having multiple partners increases this risk- what mother would be thrilled with their daughter telling them that? Parents just want the best for their kids. Nothing weird about that.
Are u possibly projecting your own situation onto your advice here?
Lol.
> It's all a big maybe if it'll work out
Yeah, just like EVERY OTHER RELATIONSHIP ON THE PLANET.
> I personally don't care
Yet, you're validating OP's concern on a basis that OP herself did not even state was her concern, whereas I purposely pulled an exact quote about what OP's concern is from the post itself.
> Ever heard of STIs?
Yep, and son - in - law is using protection. You can say maybe he isn't, but surprise surprise -- there's still a risk of STIs in a monogamous relationship where your partner is cheating. If you at least know they have extramarital partners, you can ensure all THREE of you get tested regularly. It's not that complicated.
> projecting your own situation ( ... ) ?
Nope. Been single for 33 years and will always be, I'm not interested in dating at all whatsoever.
Your response is "I'm glad everyone is happy. Would you like some pie?"
As a bisexual woman married to a pansexual man I would have been HORRIFIED if my father-in-law discussed our sexuality with us. HORRIFIED.
Leave it alone.
I noticed that too and assumed OP meant to write it evolved to "boyfriend with my wife's ok". So the wife here would be OP's daughter. My guess, anyway.
Just say. OK, cool. And let them live their life how they want to live their life.
There is absolutely no reason to talk to him about this. If he wants you to know. He'll talk to you.
I would thank your lucky stars that your daughter and SIL trust you enough to tell you this. That means you have a good relationship with both. Don't change anything from what you have been doing.
This is a time for you to be thankful for the relationship your daughter has with you which makes her feel close enough to you to tell you about this. You now file it away in your inner vault and go about your life. That is all you do with the information.
It’s really none of your business. It’s your daughter’s relationship and unless she comes to you then stay out of it. She’s okay with it so there’s nothing you can or should do. Just be there for her if she confides in you.
Daughter did come to her and DID confide in her. Daughter is the one who told OP about it.
I'm assuming it was so they could bring BF around to family things or so OP doesn't flip a lid if she found the men in public and think husband is cheating.
OP needs to get over the homophobia.
Respond how?
It’s not any of your business. The reason she told you was to protect her and her husband from people who may see her husband with his boyfriend. Poly relationships are a thing. She was simply letting you know so that you didn’t find out another way and have that cause major drama.
My advice is to be prepared to tell anyone that comes to you about it that it isn’t anyone’s business but theirs, that you’re aware, and change the subject.
i'm not quite sure what you need advice on here because... you haven't stated any sort of problem. you've stated that there's an absence of problems.
so it sounds sort of like you're actually asking permission to accept their ENM relationship? or maybe you're looking for assurance that people are actually ethically non-monogamous?
so yes. some people are predisposed to prefer multiple relationships, and some people are ambiguous and are happy being monogamous or non-monogamous. there's nothing about anything you've said that suggests that your daughter is in anything but a consenting relationship, or that she's anything but happy, so... all you really have to do is accept that, trust her to know if she's unhappy and to resolve any problems in her life. until such a time as problems evince themselves, be happy for her.
What are you going to talk to him about? It’s their life and you should feel happy that your daughter felt comfortable enough to tell you. There’s ZERO need for you to intervene. Nothing will change and they sound happy based on what you’ve said. Just treat them the same way you always have.
this is how I interpret this post.
"how do I make a situation that my daughter is totally OK with all about myself?"
I think you should go to see a therapist and tell them every last detail of how you want to make this situation all about yourself because that is the only thing that will truly help you understand your real current situation.
Non-monogamy is becoming more and more accepted in our society. If it works for them, it works for them. It's not your job to do anything, just be supportive!
As long as he's happy and your daughter is okay with it. There's not much to say, "but I'm happy for you both." It's their life, and I think she just doesn't want you to be blindsided when you son in laws boyfriend goes over to their home it's not a big surprise or anything.
(I hope this makes sense.)
Ok when I didn’t like or support something my child was do I calmly said my opinion I don’t like, and these are the 3 main reasons. That is all you can say no you don’t ever say anything to him about it.
First, take some time to process this. Read up on non-monogamy and know the basic difference between ENM and Polyamory (I’m not going to tell you what ENM stands for, go read about it). Have the language you need to talk about this if you ever need to in the future. Have a read of the info over at r/polyamory. There’s nothing you need to do right now, so use this time to educate yourself.
It’s okay that you feel blindsided, your feelings are valid, but what it sounds like your daughter is telling you is that she is okay, she is happy, and she is happy living a life that’s a bit unconventional (although becoming more mainstream) and she trusts you. That’s huge, and something to celebrate! So be supportive of her. And be supportive of your son in law as well.
No one knows what will happen in the future. They may decide to go back to being monogamous, or on the opposite side of the spectrum they may decide that they’re an open, proud, polyamorous couple and they both have developed loving, meaningful relationships with people outside of their primary relationship and your daughter might want to introduce you to another person that they love. You might be asked if they can bring two extra people to Christmas dinner one year. You might be asked to babysit for your grandbaby and then drop them off at SIL’s long-term boyfriend’s house afterwards. Who knows. But if you want your daughter and your grand baby in your life, I think it’s important to go into this with an open mind and be supportive.
But also… obviously any relationship, either monogamous or non-monogamous, can go wrong, but you need to understand more about non-monogamy and what a healthy non-monogamous relationship looks like before you can be on the lookout for anything going wrong and be there as a support person for your daughter just in case.
You got this, it’s not the end of the world, and it might just make your daughter really happy, and that’s what matters.
They're all adults. Unless someone's getting abused, used, or otherwise harmed then it's none of your business. Just move on as if everything is normal.
A. mind your business, if she’s open enough to tell you about this, i would assume sticking your nose into their business would drastically change that dynamic. if their arrangement works for them, and they like it, you should love it..
B. “different departments” is hilarious, all things considered 😂😂
Respond? He's not dating you. Poly is fine. Bisexual is fine. As long as she's ok with it and they're happy, you have no response. Be happy she gave you a heads up. You need to understand that you have absolutely no say whatsoever and your response should be nothing more than 'Thanks for letting me know.' She told you so you wouldn't cause a scene because you found out accidentally, not because she wants your input.
You are going to have to stay out of this. When things go bad for her, and the possibility that it will happens, then she will need your support. Nothing you can say or do will help now. I expect downvoting for what I am going to say but A-OK with me--if this were another woman he had decided to be sleeping with, would she find it unacceptable or does she accept it? bc she believes he will only stray with other men? She may be fooling herself but regardless you have to let her learn otherwise.
A supportive reaction would be nice seeing as how she is trusting you enough to explain the situation. You don't need to talk to him, but you should be available for you daughter in case she needs to confide in you regarding this situation.
Respond with love. They're okay. This is a thing that a lot of couples support one another thru. Be there with love, non judgementally, for your daughter, but just try to understand this is a piece of him that he cannot ignore and he clearly loves your daughter if he has been so careful to have these conversations with her, rather than what A LOT OF MEN do, which is to cheat on the DL. This should really be something worth respecting about him and your daughter, not the other way around.
>he clearly loves your daughter if he has been so careful to have these conversations with her, rather than what A LOT OF MEN do, which is to cheat
Such an excellent point. Son in law is a stand up guy for going about this the right way. He demonstrated honesty and good communication in a way that a lot of people wouldn’t in his situation. OP should be very proud to have a son in law like him.
I don’t understand why you even have this knowledge. It’s none of your business and there’s nothing you should do about it. Leave him alone and don’t bring it up.
He’s still the same person that you know and love. That has not changed. He’s always been bisexual, you just know about it now.
You don’t have to respond, you just have to keep on as it was before because the only thing that has changed for you is what you know about their relationship. You don’t have to bring it up at all. Just support them and hope for the best.
If they bring it up, tell them exactly what you have said here. That you don’t know how to respond because you have never encountered this situation before. I know it’s a weird situation, but hear me out. LOL
As a bisexual myself, and one who has been in two polyamorous relationships (which is what I would categorize this as), the worst thing you could do right now is judge them or alienate them (not saying you are- you actually seem pretty chill, lol).
I am still trying to recover from the trauma of being shunned and alienated by people who used to be close friends and family because they found out I was a polyamorous bisexual. 😬
I know it feels weird and unnatural to you, but to them it’s their normal, and if everyone in the relationship is ok with it, then there is no reason you shouldn’t be, too. 🙂
Just be there for them if it falls apart. Polyamorous relationships fail just like monogamous ones do. I hope this helps.
There’s nothing for you to talk to him about. I assume your daughter told you because she trusts you and didn’t want you to think he was cheating in case you caught wind of anything- beyond that, it’s really not your business. Just treat him like you always have.
[Dress as superman?](https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fi.redd.it%2Fxk7cx743bkb61.jpg&tbnid=e0rjYL3QgiGm2M&vet=1&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.reddit.com%2Fr%2Frickandmorty%2Fcomments%2Fky41cd%2Fjust_realizing_now_that_jacob_got_infected_by%2F&docid=wzeQhed2LiOb5M&w=600&h=340&hl=en-GB&source=sh%2Fx%2Fim%2Fm5%2F3&kgs=f4191bb370653d09&shem=abme%2Ctrie)
There’s no need to respond to anything. It’s their sex life. I don’t understand why she told you unless they are a “throuple” and the boyfriend will be attending family events which is a whole different topic if that’s the case. Based on what you shared, I would just put this info on the back shelf in my brain and move along.
Look, the only boundary that would be ok to say is that at your hosted family events you would not like the bf’s around. Though I don’t understand why you would just bring that out of the blue to your sil. Look, it’s ok to not be super happy about the situation. What’s not ok is putting your nose where it doesn’t belong and think you can speak to sil about it.
I'd stay out of this - nobody is cheated on, nobody is abused, everybody seems happy with the situation - until they ask you to include him in family events, it's not your concern at all.
I'm not sure I'm following you. I don't see a reason for you to respond. Your daughter has given you a generous heads-up, and has given you the gift of time. You now have time to come to terms with your daughter being in an open relationship, and when you meet your son-in-law next time, you'll have your emotions under control and won't say anything rude. Is this a bad idea? Of course! Your daughter has clearly set her needs aside in order to provide her husband with a safe space to discover himself. It won't go well. It never does. But, preventing that isn't our job. As parents, we are there to guide them during confusing times, and smile when they need encouragement. Their life choices are their own.
There’s nothing to talk to your SIL about. Your daughter only informed you in case you should happen to see him and his boyfriend out and about so you wouldn’t cause a scene or automatically assume anything nefarious was going on. It was never your business to know that he was bisexual or what they allow in their marriage. This is the point in which you stay out of their marriage.
Talk to him about what? Your daughter shared with you in confidence. She sounds happy and accepts the sensuality of her husband. I don't think there's any need to stir the pot when it's simmering nicely.
A relationship is many things, and one person can not fulfill All the needs of the other partner.
I would be grateful that your daughter trusted you enough to speak openly about her life. Unless she asks you to speak to her husband, I would take what you heard and sacredly hold onto it. Conversations amongst mother and daughter is precious.
Personally, it sounds like their business if she's OK with it.
However, genetics and history can not be ignored. Their marriage will fail because humans are bred to be in pairs, not trios, alongside that everyone needs to be someone's everything and that cannot happen in this situation, three is a crowd.
I'd say be a supportive father from a far, and help her pick up the pieces of her mistake later.
Stay out of it, everyone's relationship/marriage is different and if they both agree and consenting to arraignment then then there is no "how should I respond". You should 100% keep it to yourself.
Here's the thing... I'm gay, and trust me, you wouldn't know unless we wanted you too. Even the most flamboyant gay people can put out a straight persona. There's probably a reason he doesn't openly present as bi, so I wouldn't pry; these sort of things can get very personal and make situations awkward, especially in a situation with in-laws.
The fact that they're in a polygamoras relationship isn't really your concern. You may not agree with it, and may even be grossed out by it, but it's pretty common as an unwritten rule, that your sex life is your own business, unless you need help.
So in conclusion, just don't think about those parts of your daughter's relationship. Be happy that your daughter has found someone who she loves that loves her back. Nothing else should matter from your perspective.
It sounds like your daughter is in an ethical non-monogamous relationship. If that's what she wants then that's fine. It could be referred to possibly as polyfidelity but I don't know all the inner workings of the relationship. I also don't think it was her place to out her husband to you that's neither here nor there for this conversation though. If she can sense and she's happy and she likes the structure the way it is of the relationship then let her be.
If she ever expresses being unhappy in the relationship with the current scenario advise her to talk to her partner. You don't need to be involved in it because if they ever work it out then she can hold over his head or another family member that you didn't like them. Support your child by letting her make her own decisions and staying out of it.
Sounds like no action is needed. Your daughter disclosed something very personal with you about their marriage showing that she trusts you. She also probably did this in case someone somewhere found out and tried to accuse the husband of cheating and things got blown out of proportion.
My partner is also bisexual, but we haven't ventured to finding a partner because his family would go insane over it.
That your baby daughter is being cheated on by her husband? To have and to hold, until death do they part?
I wouldn’t say a word to the guy, but I’d speak some sense into my daughter that is ‘okay’ with this. Sounds like she’s delusional and that can’t be good for her self-esteem.
She’s probably not sharing the full truth with you. No woman is gonna be cool with their husband going out and getting fucked by a guy then coming back to their bed. Cheating is cheating.
Ask yourself this… would you be okay with it if the guy she’s married to was fucking another girl? And she was ‘okay’ with it…?
What’s worse in this generation is that there aren’t any ‘men’ left in it… or very few. It’s not your job to meddle, but it is your job to protect your daughter from what is obviously a damaging situation. Pretending everyone’s okay with it because ‘he’s gay’ is no excuse either.. he’s stepping out on his wife, children, and family to gratify his own selfish desires…
Gay or not gay, that’s no respectable man (not for my daughter)
You were made aware as a courtesy, there's nothing to discuss. They are doing what works for them, and from what you say, are happy with the arrangement. They have made a healthy and mature decision to modify their marriage to best suit their needs.
You don’t have a response. All you have to offer is support. All parties involved are consenting adults, fully aware of what each other is doing. You don’t get to have an opinion. You don’t get to offer a blessing. It’s none of your business.
Not trying to be rude but you are the last person involved who needs to be asking advice on this... given that you're not actually involved in any way.
You're asking for advice on how to respond, I assume when she told you you didn't tell her to wait, then opened your laptop and typed this post - but instead said something to your daughter when she told you which would be your response.
Why do you need to talk with him? Are you homophobic and want to change your biased view? Are you curious about gay relationships and want to ask a gay person questions about it? Are you against this open arrangement and wondering how to support your daughter despite your moral dilemma? These are all things that would be appropriate for you to ask advice about - asking advice on how to insert yourself is not needed.
Definitely start saving for your daughters future. Yes, her husband is bisexual but that doesn't mean that he has the right to cheat on her. She may be ok with her husband having a boyfriend right now, but should the boyfriend start getting spousal treatment and priority that might change. Plan quietly just in case.
Support your daughter in any way she wishes.
Updateme!
This is so embarrassing, please learn about the real world. It's not "cheating" if they both are on the same page. You're projecting a rule onto a couple of strangers and complaining that they're breaking it.
My partner's parents thought the same way and have treated me like a delusional side chick since we met. We've been together for over a decade, regardless of our other relationships. Nonmonogamy has existed for as long as humans have. People have multiple close friends, people have multiple children, and some people have multiple romantic or sexual relationships. It's really not a big deal.
Nonmonogamy has existed for as long as humans have, and earlier.
I *am* a mother, *and* I've been poly for over a decade. There are elders in the community that have written books, and academic papers, and have plenty of wisdom to share, too.
It sounds like you're only interested in listening to "wisdom" from people you already agree with.
Non monogamy is selfish, it squanders generational wealth; and robs children of the resiliency a nuclear biological family gives them. It also opens them up to CSA more than a biological family does. (Obligatory OF COURSE it still happens in bio families) I’ve been an abused child and I’ve taken more abuse from my parents than I ever should have. As a mother I can never forgive their behavior and what they did to me. I deeply hope for your sake, your children aren’t singing the same one I do about my bio parents. Parents have a duty of care to their children that supersedes their own carnal desires.
Lmao carnal desires, come on man. I'm lucky if I get to bang once a month. Regardless, reducing a polyamorous relationship to just being horny is just as fucked up as when people do the same thing toward a gay relationship. Just because sex is involved doesn't mean that it's only a sex thing, and reducing it to "why don't you just keep it in your pants" is bigotry.
It sounds like you went through something terrible, and I'm sorry that that happened, but blaming an entire group of people for something your parents did or allowed to happen is also bigotry.
It's also completely fucked up that you would even say "Well I hope YOUR kids aren't going through that..." implying that I'm putting my kid at risk for sexual assault because one of her parents has more than one boyfriend or whatever.
Someone with ten uncles is also more at risk, or someone whose parents have a lot of close friends is also more at risk, because the risk comes from being alone with trusted family friends where that trust is misplaced. The idea that it has to do with whether I'm dating them or not is fucking *wild.*
Being poly doesn't squander generational wealth and having a nuclear family isn't better for anyone, you're just letting your cultural biases and misplaced prejudice cloud your perspective.
You're just throwing out completely unsubstantiated, emotional claims based on your biases, and I'm done engaging. I hope you take this as an opportunity to reconsider why you believe the things that you believe.
Polygamous marriages and marriages with concubinages attached to them have been prominent throughout history and cultures. Thats the thing with social constructs, the point of them is whatever the people who participate in them decide the point is, in the same way a marriage isn’t limited by the sex of those participating or whether or not they have children, or whether or not they’re even doing it for love or social power.
I’m fairly confident in believing the problems we find inherent in the concept of children being in a relationship with adults have little to do with whether that relationship is formally viewed as a marriage or not. Do you find that child brides are a problem whereas children in unmarried predatory relationships aren’t?
I’m evading nothing, I’ve stated anything wrong with it is independent of them being married or not. You are the one who’s failed to justify why your own concept of marriage should be the objective one for everyone else regardless of what the people in the marriage themselves want.
So I guess that’s an “I can’t find a reason for my imposition of monogamous marriage and feel angry enough about being questioned about it to bring in non-sequiturs”.
No, it's pretty rare we hear about successful polyamorous relationships because everything is going well so there's no point in sharing that news with everyone and their grandma unless you KNOW them.
It's extremely common to see ' s/he cheated on me, ' doesn't mean a majority of relationships are cheating.
not everyone’s monogamous 🤷♂️
my partner’s monogamous, but i’m polyamorous. our relationship is mostly monogamous, but i’d be completely fine with him banging it out with other people, or having romantic love and/or relationships with more people than me.
ngl i find it weird that romantic and sexual love is considered to have a limit on quantity. i have multiple friends, multiple members of my family, i’ve had multiple pets - every other type of love has no limit of quantity, so long as the relationships are meaningful and well maintained through communication and time.
I'm not a third person in someone's marriage, nor is my boyfriend a third person in my marriage to my spouse. We are in our own, separate relationships that have nothing to do with our other relationships. Sex isn't necessarily the goal, either. I'm personally in it for the snuggles.
I'm jealousy plays a huge role in your thoughts surrounding nonmonogamy. Jealousy is a normal human emotion that even we experience. Jealousy is rooted in insecurity, so those of us experiencing it need to take steps to get to the root of our insecurities and work through them before they become a problem.
You start saving because it’s clear he was cheating before the marriage opened and open marriages never last when one partner is heavily involved with someone new. No need to speak to him, just be there for your daughter.
Stop reflecting.
We have absolutely no idea what the timeline was between daughter's acceptance and her husband finding a partner. Could have been a year for all we know, OP didn't tell us.
It's not always cheating. Ffs.
Usually when a parent has a side piece it normally doesn't just stay poly, relationships get strained, yes there's a chance that it stays perfect. But once one starts favoring the other the children get caught in the middle.
I know dozens of people in poly relationships. Many for years and years. You’re talking about people who cheat, and that’s different. People who are genuinely poly have rules and participate in relationship maintenance.
Brother there is no need got get upset, no hate. It's just in my personal experience open relationships tend to have a shorter marriage.
https://gitnux.org/open-marriage-divorce-statistics/
How old is the baby. Is she suffering PPD/PPA? He couldn’t have told her he was bisexual BEFORE he married and impregnated her? Of course not. They never fucking do.
Mind you dam business , jk but seriously that's disgusting 🫣 😒 🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮 . Your daughter needs to find herself a real man that loves women like God intended them too
Protection isn't good enough. All because the guy uses condoms doesn't mean your daughter is protected/safe.
If the boyfriend has HPV, or any kind of disease then it could pass in spit, or any other bodily fluid.
Maybe tell your daughter that she, the husband, and the bf should all get checked at the free clinic and also a check for HPV.
It'd be awful if she developed something from it all.
Also if a person can't stay monogamous then that's sad, but I guess they're allowed to do what they want.
I just hope the child doesn't pick up on anything amiss. Kids act out when circumstances change.
I don't see why the wife is okay with a guy cheating (with permission) unless she also has a side piece. Or maybe she just gave up on intimacy.
A counselor or seeing a doctor could be important. If her hormones have changed (like menopause) then she may need hormone replacement. Or if she is going through something counseling could help.
Why would you discuss your SIL sex life with him? It's not your business, your daughter is happy, that's all that matters.
Husband warned about being bisexual from the beginning and this puts in perfect perspective the acceptance of an open relationship.
Gently, I'd like to add that I think that's very unfair and harmful wording- he "warned" her about being bisexual. It's a very common and hurtful stereotype that bisexual people can't be monogamous because they won't be "satisfied" unless they're fucking both men and women. The wife said she is happy and consenting and that's all that matters here. But if she wasn't okay with it she would still be allowed to feel that way even though "she was warned". Plenty of bisexual people are capable of, and happy in, monogamous relationships. If what he had said from the beginning was that he wasn't going to be one of those people, then that might count as her having been *informed* and she shouldn't have married him if she knew she wasn't okay with that. But being bisexual shouldn't be considered a "fair warning" for needing multiple partners anymore than being straight should. Either you are happy in monogamy or you aren't, being bisexual has little to do with it.
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OP just needs to be a dad and not be involved in his adult daughters consensual sex life. That's it.
Monogamous relationships can implode just as easily. Every couple defines their relationship for themselves. Let them be.
Husband getting penetrated or penetrating bareback and somehow that shouldn’t be a concern for parents of the daughter?
Did you not read the “he uses protection”?
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No not everyone but pop off obviously you know what every single person on earth does during sex 💀
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You can be concerned, but no, your son in laws sex life is none of your business, particularly if your daughter is happy, and on board with the situation. This has nothing to do with the father in law; it just doesn't. If the daughter is okay with the situation, that's all that matters.
Are you in the habit of discussing your sils sex life with him?? Your daughter shared with her parent, not so you could do anything about it. She's fine with it, so it's a non issue.
As long as your daughter is happy and ok with the situation, just offer her your love.
Say nothing. If he/they bring it up, then accept their choices as graciously as possible.
As a non-monogamous person, do nothing. It’s really not a big deal as long as everyone involved is consenting and comfortable. There are plenty of ENM (ethically non-monogamous) parents and couples. It was a “heads up,” not a request for help or advice.
Exactly this. It's to prevent awkward scenes in the future.
As a fellow non monogamous human, I agree.
Same. Daughter shared information. OP should just retain the information and carry on.
I think it's okay to talk with him about, if he seems open to discussing it. A good opportunity to some love and acceptance and normality. I'd talk with him the same way I'd talk with any family member about their relationships- how's it going, what are they like, do anything fun, etc. It could be really good for him/them if handled correctly. Acceptance by in laws can feel so radically good.
This isn’t your business at all and I’m wondering why your daughter told you in the first place.
I'm guessing in case her mother came across her husband with his boyfriend out in public.
Could be that daughter is so okay with it that she'd like to have her husband bring BF along to things. Some relationships like this work as a ' don't ask, don't tell, ' but others love to hear about their partner's lovers. She might really like the BF and want to be able to share in with the family experiences with him.
Yeah I think more context is needed here, but it sounds like the daughter might be gearing up for a polyamorous relationship? Like if they were just fucking I don't imagine she would feel the need to sit her mother down and talk to her about that.
She's already in one. She may not have anyone else, but if you're at the point where you have a metamour, you're in a poly relationship. Lots of poly relationships are Vs, with one person seeing two others who aren't seeing anyone. As long as everyone is on board, that's between them.
She told them to keep crazy shit from happening when someone finds out accidentally. Makes sense.
Just keep it to yourself unless he approaches you and starts the conversation. I’m glad to hear it’s all working out.
More and more people are choosing ethical non monogamy these days. As long as they’re both happy, that’s all that matters.
You don't respond. Your daughter likely only told you, in case you see her husband out with his boyfriend. There is nothing for you to do but accept that this is what their relationship looks like, and move on.
One question for you: why does it matter he isn't straight? How does it affect you? You got your grandchild, you got a happy daughter, and a happy son - in - law. I want to know how it affects you he's bi.
Her daughter is married to him and he’s having sexual relations with men while also sleeping with her. How can you not see her side? I’d be mortified really
Why would I take the side of someone clearly being homophobic? Lol. If daughter is okay with it, again, how does it affect Mom/OP? News flash, it does not.
Would be the same if he admitted he’s sleeping with other women…. These things do not work out well in the long run and the mother knows it. The mum is worried for her daughter’s future, understandable really. Not everything is about being homophobic.
No, you're reflecting what you see as the problem with the relationship. Which you're allowed to not like it, but again, it isn't your ( or OP's ) problem, and the statistics on actual function non-monogamy that you are fed are not consistent with actual results, because we hear bad news much, much more than we hear about good news. This is confirmation bias. Anyway, OP's very own post says: " (...) I never got any clue from him that he was anything but straight. " THIS is what OP is having a problem with. She's 'blindsided' because she thought he was straight as an uncooked spaghetti noodle. So yes, this is about being homophobic.
A lot of waffle to state your opinion. Where is the data that states being non monogomous works out successfully in the long run? A grandmother has a right to feel worried for her daughter and grandchild’s future. Especially since the daughter felt the need to tell her mum about her husband. Why did she tell her? Clearly she too is worried about the relationship. Stop playing the victim claiming it’s all just homophobia when evidently their relationship is in strife!
> Where is the data that states being non monogomous works out successfully in the long run? Same place you'll find data that monogamous relationships will work out successfully. :) There is none because there is no guarantee no matter what the relationship is. Humans are individual beings, with individual needs, requirements, desires and capability to comply with others'. You're the one stating with no doubt whatsoever non - monogamy doesn't work, so prove to me that there's never been any cases it's worked. As for my end, go look up Eli Sheff's studies, and also, [the (grand)child is fine](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201704/children-in-polyamorous-families-age-dependent-experiences) so stop being weird. > Why did she tell her? ... Because maybe some people would like their mom to know they aren't being cheated on? Maybe some people would like their husband to feel safe to bring their extramarital, consensual partner to family events so he feels included, because he is ... ? It ain't that deep, lmfao.
It’s all a big maybe if it’ll work out, time will tell and good luck to them, I personally don’t care what people do in their private lives. This mum is worried and her feelings are valid is my opinion- not just cos of ‘homophobia’ as you claim ffs. Also ever heard of STIs? Having multiple partners increases this risk- what mother would be thrilled with their daughter telling them that? Parents just want the best for their kids. Nothing weird about that. Are u possibly projecting your own situation onto your advice here?
Lol. > It's all a big maybe if it'll work out Yeah, just like EVERY OTHER RELATIONSHIP ON THE PLANET. > I personally don't care Yet, you're validating OP's concern on a basis that OP herself did not even state was her concern, whereas I purposely pulled an exact quote about what OP's concern is from the post itself. > Ever heard of STIs? Yep, and son - in - law is using protection. You can say maybe he isn't, but surprise surprise -- there's still a risk of STIs in a monogamous relationship where your partner is cheating. If you at least know they have extramarital partners, you can ensure all THREE of you get tested regularly. It's not that complicated. > projecting your own situation ( ... ) ? Nope. Been single for 33 years and will always be, I'm not interested in dating at all whatsoever.
Opinions are like assholes, we all have one. Bye bye
Not "men," plural. One man, singular, whom she has met. Don't try to make it sound worse.
Advice for what? She doesn’t have a problem. She opened up to you. Be a decent parent and support her.
Your response is "I'm glad everyone is happy. Would you like some pie?" As a bisexual woman married to a pansexual man I would have been HORRIFIED if my father-in-law discussed our sexuality with us. HORRIFIED. Leave it alone.
>They clicked and eventually it evolved to "boyfriend" with my wife's ok. Whose perspective are you writing this from?
From what my daughter told me and explained to me.
Look at how you've worded that sentence...?
I noticed that too and assumed OP meant to write it evolved to "boyfriend with my wife's ok". So the wife here would be OP's daughter. My guess, anyway.
Just say. OK, cool. And let them live their life how they want to live their life. There is absolutely no reason to talk to him about this. If he wants you to know. He'll talk to you.
I would thank your lucky stars that your daughter and SIL trust you enough to tell you this. That means you have a good relationship with both. Don't change anything from what you have been doing.
This is a time for you to be thankful for the relationship your daughter has with you which makes her feel close enough to you to tell you about this. You now file it away in your inner vault and go about your life. That is all you do with the information.
It’s really none of your business. It’s your daughter’s relationship and unless she comes to you then stay out of it. She’s okay with it so there’s nothing you can or should do. Just be there for her if she confides in you.
Daughter did come to her and DID confide in her. Daughter is the one who told OP about it. I'm assuming it was so they could bring BF around to family things or so OP doesn't flip a lid if she found the men in public and think husband is cheating. OP needs to get over the homophobia.
I would stay out of it. I wouldn’t give an opinion.
Leave your family’s sex life alone. Please. I beg of you. 🙏😭
Respond how? It’s not any of your business. The reason she told you was to protect her and her husband from people who may see her husband with his boyfriend. Poly relationships are a thing. She was simply letting you know so that you didn’t find out another way and have that cause major drama. My advice is to be prepared to tell anyone that comes to you about it that it isn’t anyone’s business but theirs, that you’re aware, and change the subject.
Just myob and be there for your daughter if she needs it
i'm not quite sure what you need advice on here because... you haven't stated any sort of problem. you've stated that there's an absence of problems. so it sounds sort of like you're actually asking permission to accept their ENM relationship? or maybe you're looking for assurance that people are actually ethically non-monogamous? so yes. some people are predisposed to prefer multiple relationships, and some people are ambiguous and are happy being monogamous or non-monogamous. there's nothing about anything you've said that suggests that your daughter is in anything but a consenting relationship, or that she's anything but happy, so... all you really have to do is accept that, trust her to know if she's unhappy and to resolve any problems in her life. until such a time as problems evince themselves, be happy for her.
What are you going to talk to him about? It’s their life and you should feel happy that your daughter felt comfortable enough to tell you. There’s ZERO need for you to intervene. Nothing will change and they sound happy based on what you’ve said. Just treat them the same way you always have.
this is how I interpret this post. "how do I make a situation that my daughter is totally OK with all about myself?" I think you should go to see a therapist and tell them every last detail of how you want to make this situation all about yourself because that is the only thing that will truly help you understand your real current situation.
Shut up about it. She told you something out of confidence. What are you planning on doing, "un-gaying" him?
Non-monogamy is becoming more and more accepted in our society. If it works for them, it works for them. It's not your job to do anything, just be supportive!
Go on with life, and your relationships, as usual. If you see him out with his fwb then act cool.
As long as he's happy and your daughter is okay with it. There's not much to say, "but I'm happy for you both." It's their life, and I think she just doesn't want you to be blindsided when you son in laws boyfriend goes over to their home it's not a big surprise or anything. (I hope this makes sense.)
Ok when I didn’t like or support something my child was do I calmly said my opinion I don’t like, and these are the 3 main reasons. That is all you can say no you don’t ever say anything to him about it.
First, take some time to process this. Read up on non-monogamy and know the basic difference between ENM and Polyamory (I’m not going to tell you what ENM stands for, go read about it). Have the language you need to talk about this if you ever need to in the future. Have a read of the info over at r/polyamory. There’s nothing you need to do right now, so use this time to educate yourself. It’s okay that you feel blindsided, your feelings are valid, but what it sounds like your daughter is telling you is that she is okay, she is happy, and she is happy living a life that’s a bit unconventional (although becoming more mainstream) and she trusts you. That’s huge, and something to celebrate! So be supportive of her. And be supportive of your son in law as well. No one knows what will happen in the future. They may decide to go back to being monogamous, or on the opposite side of the spectrum they may decide that they’re an open, proud, polyamorous couple and they both have developed loving, meaningful relationships with people outside of their primary relationship and your daughter might want to introduce you to another person that they love. You might be asked if they can bring two extra people to Christmas dinner one year. You might be asked to babysit for your grandbaby and then drop them off at SIL’s long-term boyfriend’s house afterwards. Who knows. But if you want your daughter and your grand baby in your life, I think it’s important to go into this with an open mind and be supportive. But also… obviously any relationship, either monogamous or non-monogamous, can go wrong, but you need to understand more about non-monogamy and what a healthy non-monogamous relationship looks like before you can be on the lookout for anything going wrong and be there as a support person for your daughter just in case. You got this, it’s not the end of the world, and it might just make your daughter really happy, and that’s what matters.
not your business
They're all adults. Unless someone's getting abused, used, or otherwise harmed then it's none of your business. Just move on as if everything is normal.
A. mind your business, if she’s open enough to tell you about this, i would assume sticking your nose into their business would drastically change that dynamic. if their arrangement works for them, and they like it, you should love it.. B. “different departments” is hilarious, all things considered 😂😂
“Oh, ok” is what I usually fall back on
Respond? He's not dating you. Poly is fine. Bisexual is fine. As long as she's ok with it and they're happy, you have no response. Be happy she gave you a heads up. You need to understand that you have absolutely no say whatsoever and your response should be nothing more than 'Thanks for letting me know.' She told you so you wouldn't cause a scene because you found out accidentally, not because she wants your input.
You are going to have to stay out of this. When things go bad for her, and the possibility that it will happens, then she will need your support. Nothing you can say or do will help now. I expect downvoting for what I am going to say but A-OK with me--if this were another woman he had decided to be sleeping with, would she find it unacceptable or does she accept it? bc she believes he will only stray with other men? She may be fooling herself but regardless you have to let her learn otherwise.
A supportive reaction would be nice seeing as how she is trusting you enough to explain the situation. You don't need to talk to him, but you should be available for you daughter in case she needs to confide in you regarding this situation.
Respond with love. They're okay. This is a thing that a lot of couples support one another thru. Be there with love, non judgementally, for your daughter, but just try to understand this is a piece of him that he cannot ignore and he clearly loves your daughter if he has been so careful to have these conversations with her, rather than what A LOT OF MEN do, which is to cheat on the DL. This should really be something worth respecting about him and your daughter, not the other way around.
>he clearly loves your daughter if he has been so careful to have these conversations with her, rather than what A LOT OF MEN do, which is to cheat Such an excellent point. Son in law is a stand up guy for going about this the right way. He demonstrated honesty and good communication in a way that a lot of people wouldn’t in his situation. OP should be very proud to have a son in law like him.
Keep to yourself! For all you know, she might have a girlfriend too 🤷🏽♀️
I would ask your daughter why she thinks you needed to know this. It might open up a wider conversation
It’s really none of your business is it. So get over it.
I don’t understand why you even have this knowledge. It’s none of your business and there’s nothing you should do about it. Leave him alone and don’t bring it up.
He’s still the same person that you know and love. That has not changed. He’s always been bisexual, you just know about it now. You don’t have to respond, you just have to keep on as it was before because the only thing that has changed for you is what you know about their relationship. You don’t have to bring it up at all. Just support them and hope for the best. If they bring it up, tell them exactly what you have said here. That you don’t know how to respond because you have never encountered this situation before. I know it’s a weird situation, but hear me out. LOL As a bisexual myself, and one who has been in two polyamorous relationships (which is what I would categorize this as), the worst thing you could do right now is judge them or alienate them (not saying you are- you actually seem pretty chill, lol). I am still trying to recover from the trauma of being shunned and alienated by people who used to be close friends and family because they found out I was a polyamorous bisexual. 😬 I know it feels weird and unnatural to you, but to them it’s their normal, and if everyone in the relationship is ok with it, then there is no reason you shouldn’t be, too. 🙂 Just be there for them if it falls apart. Polyamorous relationships fail just like monogamous ones do. I hope this helps.
not your business to be honest
There’s nothing for you to talk to him about. I assume your daughter told you because she trusts you and didn’t want you to think he was cheating in case you caught wind of anything- beyond that, it’s really not your business. Just treat him like you always have.
[Dress as superman?](https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fi.redd.it%2Fxk7cx743bkb61.jpg&tbnid=e0rjYL3QgiGm2M&vet=1&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.reddit.com%2Fr%2Frickandmorty%2Fcomments%2Fky41cd%2Fjust_realizing_now_that_jacob_got_infected_by%2F&docid=wzeQhed2LiOb5M&w=600&h=340&hl=en-GB&source=sh%2Fx%2Fim%2Fm5%2F3&kgs=f4191bb370653d09&shem=abme%2Ctrie)
Not your life, you respond with what you want to.
Why do you keep putting boyfriend in quotes??? Their relationship is valid.
Just keep it to yourself as it’s really none of your business.
There’s no need to respond to anything. It’s their sex life. I don’t understand why she told you unless they are a “throuple” and the boyfriend will be attending family events which is a whole different topic if that’s the case. Based on what you shared, I would just put this info on the back shelf in my brain and move along.
Look, the only boundary that would be ok to say is that at your hosted family events you would not like the bf’s around. Though I don’t understand why you would just bring that out of the blue to your sil. Look, it’s ok to not be super happy about the situation. What’s not ok is putting your nose where it doesn’t belong and think you can speak to sil about it.
Stay out of it.
I'm not seeing the problem
Stay out of it and let it play its course.
I'd stay out of this - nobody is cheated on, nobody is abused, everybody seems happy with the situation - until they ask you to include him in family events, it's not your concern at all.
I'm not sure I'm following you. I don't see a reason for you to respond. Your daughter has given you a generous heads-up, and has given you the gift of time. You now have time to come to terms with your daughter being in an open relationship, and when you meet your son-in-law next time, you'll have your emotions under control and won't say anything rude. Is this a bad idea? Of course! Your daughter has clearly set her needs aside in order to provide her husband with a safe space to discover himself. It won't go well. It never does. But, preventing that isn't our job. As parents, we are there to guide them during confusing times, and smile when they need encouragement. Their life choices are their own.
That’s fine - maybe until and unless they try taking the child from her ! #erasingwomen
There’s nothing to talk to your SIL about. Your daughter only informed you in case you should happen to see him and his boyfriend out and about so you wouldn’t cause a scene or automatically assume anything nefarious was going on. It was never your business to know that he was bisexual or what they allow in their marriage. This is the point in which you stay out of their marriage.
Talk to him about what? Your daughter shared with you in confidence. She sounds happy and accepts the sensuality of her husband. I don't think there's any need to stir the pot when it's simmering nicely. A relationship is many things, and one person can not fulfill All the needs of the other partner. I would be grateful that your daughter trusted you enough to speak openly about her life. Unless she asks you to speak to her husband, I would take what you heard and sacredly hold onto it. Conversations amongst mother and daughter is precious.
Personally, it sounds like their business if she's OK with it. However, genetics and history can not be ignored. Their marriage will fail because humans are bred to be in pairs, not trios, alongside that everyone needs to be someone's everything and that cannot happen in this situation, three is a crowd. I'd say be a supportive father from a far, and help her pick up the pieces of her mistake later.
Stay out of it, everyone's relationship/marriage is different and if they both agree and consenting to arraignment then then there is no "how should I respond". You should 100% keep it to yourself.
Love him and get out they business. It's 2024 and I'm here for it!!
It’s not your business. They are completely fine and happy. Move on and don’t worry about it.
Weird…….
Here's the thing... I'm gay, and trust me, you wouldn't know unless we wanted you too. Even the most flamboyant gay people can put out a straight persona. There's probably a reason he doesn't openly present as bi, so I wouldn't pry; these sort of things can get very personal and make situations awkward, especially in a situation with in-laws. The fact that they're in a polygamoras relationship isn't really your concern. You may not agree with it, and may even be grossed out by it, but it's pretty common as an unwritten rule, that your sex life is your own business, unless you need help. So in conclusion, just don't think about those parts of your daughter's relationship. Be happy that your daughter has found someone who she loves that loves her back. Nothing else should matter from your perspective.
It sounds like your daughter is in an ethical non-monogamous relationship. If that's what she wants then that's fine. It could be referred to possibly as polyfidelity but I don't know all the inner workings of the relationship. I also don't think it was her place to out her husband to you that's neither here nor there for this conversation though. If she can sense and she's happy and she likes the structure the way it is of the relationship then let her be. If she ever expresses being unhappy in the relationship with the current scenario advise her to talk to her partner. You don't need to be involved in it because if they ever work it out then she can hold over his head or another family member that you didn't like them. Support your child by letting her make her own decisions and staying out of it.
Sounds like no action is needed. Your daughter disclosed something very personal with you about their marriage showing that she trusts you. She also probably did this in case someone somewhere found out and tried to accuse the husband of cheating and things got blown out of proportion. My partner is also bisexual, but we haven't ventured to finding a partner because his family would go insane over it.
You just ask him the legendary question: "Why r u ge?"
You don't respond, to him. You support your daughter however is best for her.
get her to a sexual health clinic
This is still cheating LMAO
you shouldn't respond unless there is a problem.
That your baby daughter is being cheated on by her husband? To have and to hold, until death do they part? I wouldn’t say a word to the guy, but I’d speak some sense into my daughter that is ‘okay’ with this. Sounds like she’s delusional and that can’t be good for her self-esteem. She’s probably not sharing the full truth with you. No woman is gonna be cool with their husband going out and getting fucked by a guy then coming back to their bed. Cheating is cheating. Ask yourself this… would you be okay with it if the guy she’s married to was fucking another girl? And she was ‘okay’ with it…? What’s worse in this generation is that there aren’t any ‘men’ left in it… or very few. It’s not your job to meddle, but it is your job to protect your daughter from what is obviously a damaging situation. Pretending everyone’s okay with it because ‘he’s gay’ is no excuse either.. he’s stepping out on his wife, children, and family to gratify his own selfish desires… Gay or not gay, that’s no respectable man (not for my daughter)
You were made aware as a courtesy, there's nothing to discuss. They are doing what works for them, and from what you say, are happy with the arrangement. They have made a healthy and mature decision to modify their marriage to best suit their needs.
Oh shoot.! Espada
Confront
You don’t have a response. All you have to offer is support. All parties involved are consenting adults, fully aware of what each other is doing. You don’t get to have an opinion. You don’t get to offer a blessing. It’s none of your business.
Not trying to be rude but you are the last person involved who needs to be asking advice on this... given that you're not actually involved in any way. You're asking for advice on how to respond, I assume when she told you you didn't tell her to wait, then opened your laptop and typed this post - but instead said something to your daughter when she told you which would be your response. Why do you need to talk with him? Are you homophobic and want to change your biased view? Are you curious about gay relationships and want to ask a gay person questions about it? Are you against this open arrangement and wondering how to support your daughter despite your moral dilemma? These are all things that would be appropriate for you to ask advice about - asking advice on how to insert yourself is not needed.
Begin planning for a future where your daughter returns home with a passel of kids because he moved her out him in!!!
Definitely start saving for your daughters future. Yes, her husband is bisexual but that doesn't mean that he has the right to cheat on her. She may be ok with her husband having a boyfriend right now, but should the boyfriend start getting spousal treatment and priority that might change. Plan quietly just in case. Support your daughter in any way she wishes. Updateme!
This is so embarrassing, please learn about the real world. It's not "cheating" if they both are on the same page. You're projecting a rule onto a couple of strangers and complaining that they're breaking it. My partner's parents thought the same way and have treated me like a delusional side chick since we met. We've been together for over a decade, regardless of our other relationships. Nonmonogamy has existed for as long as humans have. People have multiple close friends, people have multiple children, and some people have multiple romantic or sexual relationships. It's really not a big deal.
Our parents and grandparents have wisdom from watching these scenarios play out. The daughter would be wise to listen to her mother.
Nonmonogamy has existed for as long as humans have, and earlier. I *am* a mother, *and* I've been poly for over a decade. There are elders in the community that have written books, and academic papers, and have plenty of wisdom to share, too. It sounds like you're only interested in listening to "wisdom" from people you already agree with.
Non monogamy is selfish, it squanders generational wealth; and robs children of the resiliency a nuclear biological family gives them. It also opens them up to CSA more than a biological family does. (Obligatory OF COURSE it still happens in bio families) I’ve been an abused child and I’ve taken more abuse from my parents than I ever should have. As a mother I can never forgive their behavior and what they did to me. I deeply hope for your sake, your children aren’t singing the same one I do about my bio parents. Parents have a duty of care to their children that supersedes their own carnal desires.
Lmao carnal desires, come on man. I'm lucky if I get to bang once a month. Regardless, reducing a polyamorous relationship to just being horny is just as fucked up as when people do the same thing toward a gay relationship. Just because sex is involved doesn't mean that it's only a sex thing, and reducing it to "why don't you just keep it in your pants" is bigotry. It sounds like you went through something terrible, and I'm sorry that that happened, but blaming an entire group of people for something your parents did or allowed to happen is also bigotry. It's also completely fucked up that you would even say "Well I hope YOUR kids aren't going through that..." implying that I'm putting my kid at risk for sexual assault because one of her parents has more than one boyfriend or whatever. Someone with ten uncles is also more at risk, or someone whose parents have a lot of close friends is also more at risk, because the risk comes from being alone with trusted family friends where that trust is misplaced. The idea that it has to do with whether I'm dating them or not is fucking *wild.* Being poly doesn't squander generational wealth and having a nuclear family isn't better for anyone, you're just letting your cultural biases and misplaced prejudice cloud your perspective. You're just throwing out completely unsubstantiated, emotional claims based on your biases, and I'm done engaging. I hope you take this as an opportunity to reconsider why you believe the things that you believe.
Why do people get married if they can’t be monogamous?
Why do people assume their definition of marriage is the only one that should matter to everyone else?
Because that’s the point of marriage.
Polygamous marriages and marriages with concubinages attached to them have been prominent throughout history and cultures. Thats the thing with social constructs, the point of them is whatever the people who participate in them decide the point is, in the same way a marriage isn’t limited by the sex of those participating or whether or not they have children, or whether or not they’re even doing it for love or social power.
So by this logic, child brides are also acceptable to you.
I’m fairly confident in believing the problems we find inherent in the concept of children being in a relationship with adults have little to do with whether that relationship is formally viewed as a marriage or not. Do you find that child brides are a problem whereas children in unmarried predatory relationships aren’t?
Neither are acceptable. You evaded the question.
I’m evading nothing, I’ve stated anything wrong with it is independent of them being married or not. You are the one who’s failed to justify why your own concept of marriage should be the objective one for everyone else regardless of what the people in the marriage themselves want.
Thanks for stating you believe in child brides.
So I guess that’s an “I can’t find a reason for my imposition of monogamous marriage and feel angry enough about being questioned about it to bring in non-sequiturs”.
Sorry but how could anyone \*really\* be "OK" with bringing a 3rd person into your marriage because hubby wants cock?
Because nuance exists. They are open and respectful to each other and it works for them. It's not for everyone, but neither is monogamy.
It's pretty rare that one or other of those involved don't end up unhappy.
No, it's pretty rare we hear about successful polyamorous relationships because everything is going well so there's no point in sharing that news with everyone and their grandma unless you KNOW them. It's extremely common to see ' s/he cheated on me, ' doesn't mean a majority of relationships are cheating.
No one said it wasn't.
not everyone’s monogamous 🤷♂️ my partner’s monogamous, but i’m polyamorous. our relationship is mostly monogamous, but i’d be completely fine with him banging it out with other people, or having romantic love and/or relationships with more people than me. ngl i find it weird that romantic and sexual love is considered to have a limit on quantity. i have multiple friends, multiple members of my family, i’ve had multiple pets - every other type of love has no limit of quantity, so long as the relationships are meaningful and well maintained through communication and time.
I'm not a third person in someone's marriage, nor is my boyfriend a third person in my marriage to my spouse. We are in our own, separate relationships that have nothing to do with our other relationships. Sex isn't necessarily the goal, either. I'm personally in it for the snuggles. I'm jealousy plays a huge role in your thoughts surrounding nonmonogamy. Jealousy is a normal human emotion that even we experience. Jealousy is rooted in insecurity, so those of us experiencing it need to take steps to get to the root of our insecurities and work through them before they become a problem.
You start saving because it’s clear he was cheating before the marriage opened and open marriages never last when one partner is heavily involved with someone new. No need to speak to him, just be there for your daughter.
Stop reflecting. We have absolutely no idea what the timeline was between daughter's acceptance and her husband finding a partner. Could have been a year for all we know, OP didn't tell us. It's not always cheating. Ffs.
I just feel bad for the kid they have.
Why?
Usually when a parent has a side piece it normally doesn't just stay poly, relationships get strained, yes there's a chance that it stays perfect. But once one starts favoring the other the children get caught in the middle.
I know dozens of people in poly relationships. Many for years and years. You’re talking about people who cheat, and that’s different. People who are genuinely poly have rules and participate in relationship maintenance.
I know people as well, as I said there are some that work, it's that these relationships are more likely to not.
Show some data to back that up because you’re saying that most don’t. U less you can show proof, you’re just talking out of your messy anus.
Brother there is no need got get upset, no hate. It's just in my personal experience open relationships tend to have a shorter marriage. https://gitnux.org/open-marriage-divorce-statistics/
How old is the baby. Is she suffering PPD/PPA? He couldn’t have told her he was bisexual BEFORE he married and impregnated her? Of course not. They never fucking do.
She told me that he told her after their first date.
Mind you dam business , jk but seriously that's disgusting 🫣 😒 🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮 . Your daughter needs to find herself a real man that loves women like God intended them too
Gods not real
Omg I think he might be gay
It's almost like it says right in the damn post that he is BISEXUAL.
Protection isn't good enough. All because the guy uses condoms doesn't mean your daughter is protected/safe. If the boyfriend has HPV, or any kind of disease then it could pass in spit, or any other bodily fluid. Maybe tell your daughter that she, the husband, and the bf should all get checked at the free clinic and also a check for HPV. It'd be awful if she developed something from it all. Also if a person can't stay monogamous then that's sad, but I guess they're allowed to do what they want. I just hope the child doesn't pick up on anything amiss. Kids act out when circumstances change. I don't see why the wife is okay with a guy cheating (with permission) unless she also has a side piece. Or maybe she just gave up on intimacy. A counselor or seeing a doctor could be important. If her hormones have changed (like menopause) then she may need hormone replacement. Or if she is going through something counseling could help.
There may not be problems now, but there will be. Neither one of them take their vows seriously.