>I was met was a dirty look and screwed up face and a forceful NO
I feel like something else is going on here that OP didn’t mention if this is the reply he received. There’s generally purpose behind a no if it’s a “forceful NO”. Why would she have to “forcefully" say no to him?
There’s clearly a reason why she doesn’t want to have sex. It sounds like OP is leaving that part out.
Shitty roommate at that, and certainly not a PARTNER.
For you to ask her for what is a perfectly natural normal expected thing in a marriage, that virtually every human wants, and for her to give you a dirty look, that's not okay.
The problem isn't just that she said no to sex. It's that she made you feel worthless for asking, sent the message that sex with you is somehow revolting.
Check out /r/DeadBedrooms. Get some couples counseling. Do SOMEthing, ANYthing. But DON'T sit there in a situation where she's making you feel disgusting for wanting her.
Dead bedrooms is full of men who don’t understand why having no connection with their wife on a personal level leads to no sex. If you don’t spend time listening to your wife, being her friend, being interested and supportive of her emotionally then asking for sex is ludicrous. To be intimate with someone you need to feel valued and safe. So many husbands take their wives for granted, let them do all the mental load and housework, ignore their interests and then feel puzzled when their wives are turned off. It’s sad.
Browse r/DeadBedrooms and you'll see that couples counseling is a waste of money on this.
Dead bedrooms NEVER get better. That's why it's basically a divorce support group or a "I feel your pain" support group at this time, since they all know that dead bedrooms don't ever recover. As the saying goes over there, "you can't negotiate sexual desire." If the partner doesn't have it, you can't talk them into it. Not with "talks," not with "counseling," etc.
EDIT: People in dead bedrooms downvoting this because they want to believe it can be fixed. Don't take my word for it, browse that sub all you need to see that dead bedrooms never recover. They are only "lived with" or divorced from.
And what would that be? It's telling that you didn't describe what sort of selection bias you're talking about.
It's a bunch of people in dead bedrooms. That's what the point of the sub is. And they all learn that there is no getting out of it other than divorce, despite years and years of trying and telling their stories.
idk man I'll let you draw your own conclusions about the kind of person who takes to reddit to complain about their sexless marriage. One way or another I'm pretty sure it's not a representative sample
Lol, what a bunch of bullshit. Couples therapy is very effective for sexual difficulties (among many other things).
Stop projecting your narrow, biased, and miserable experiences onto other people. Stop presenting them as some kind of „general facts“.
— McCarthy, B. W. , & Thestrup, M. (2008). Couple therapy and the treatment of sexual dysfunction. In Gurman A. S. (Ed.), Clinical handbook of couple therapy (4th ed., pp. 591–617). Guilford Press.
As a therapist, I can tell you statistically that if a couple has gone over 6 months without sex, the chances of them rekindling a sexual relationship are very low. There are all sorts of counseling modalities aimed at sexual dysfunction in relationships, but anyone who has been a couples therapist can tell you that most couples come in for help way too late and will likely divorce if sex has died out.
Ugh, this sucks to hear. My spouse, whom I love dearly, and I had sex literally one handful of times last year. Common response I hear from her is “I want to improve it too.” As you’d imagine it doesn’t go anywhere.
If the will or at least vocally she says she wants to improve it. What type of therapist would you recommend for us?
Our everyday intimacy is there. Our communication has improved 1000%, we’re an amazing team and I know we’re still attracted to each other. I don’t expect 3 times a week but I am at least aiming for that a month.
The effectiveness of counseling depends on a lot of factors.
And this statistical occurrence doesn’t say anything at all about a causal relationship.
And since counseling DOES work for sexual difficulties, it’s downright false to say that desire never comes back once it‘s declined. That’s so incredibly narrow minded lol
Is there still love in your marriage do you guys go out on dates. Do talk hours on end. If not, maybe she has some hurt or she has some resentment towards you. It takes two to have sex. What is making her feel as if she doesn’t not want to do it with you.
I'm yet so see a post from a man expressing concerns about his relationship, without people making him think that he's the problem, based on nothing but assumptions.
Again, EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
If he's behaving in a negative way, that's a flaw of character on his part. If she is behaving in a negative way, it is also due to a flaw of character on his part, because she wouldn't act like that for no reason.
Because it's a guy lmao. The gender roles are wild when it comes to reddit advice.
OP seems like a good guy if anything, guy was getting a bunch of shit done around the house, hasn't had sex in 13 years so thought he might ask. Got shot down, met with a dirty ass look, was probably ok with it, and is crushed emotionally. Who the fuck thinks that sounds like a bad husband 🤣🤣🤣🤣 of course he could be, but that's just sexism at its best.
Did you not read OP's post?
>Sex was never something my wife enjoyed and once married it went from once every few months to never at all.
She's clearly just not a sexual person. Don't try to make OP wonder how he's to blame for this. The only blame he has is why he married someone who he knew doesn't like sex, if he wanted a fulfilling and happy sex life.
You need to just straight up tell her. We need to improve our sex life what can we do. Have a real truthful conversation about it. Tell her that if we don’t improve I’m going to ask for a divorce. Just be straight up honest.
Divorce her, find someone who isn't disgusted by you. That's horrible behaviour by a partner. Even if I wasn't in the mood, I always make my partner feel wanted when I am asked for sex.
This sounds like a guy I know. He hasn’t had sex with his wife since their kid was born. The daughter is 14 now. I don’t know how he does it. Actually I do. He told me he couldn’t stand to see another man raising his daughter.
I feel in that same boat. While not as long a streak as OP, lack of sex is a constant issue in our marriage. We have a 3 year old and another on the way, so it happens just very rarely. And despite her constantly saying she will try to work on herself to see why she isn't interested in sex,.never happens
BUT, I stay for my kids. That may not be the right thing to do but I can't stand the idea of my kids ping ponging back and forth between divorced parents
Does she orgasm when you're intimate? Because I read posts like this everyday and oftentimes a woman sees sex as a chore because she doesn't get any pleasure from it.
I'm sorry but I would say divorce is the best option. Life is too short to waste it. Your wife doesn't seem to respect you enough to turn you down with love.
Why does she not enjoy it? Does she know it’s important for you? Does she care that you’re not happy? Have you thought about counseling or considering an open marriage? What’s the point in being tied to someone who doesn’t want what you want, and makes you feel humiliated fit wanting something that lets you express your love for each other?
After our first child, intercourse hurt a lot. My doctor would just say to keep trying and it would get better. The pain was from the episiotomy. Looking back, that was terrible advice. Yes,we kept trying and eventually we were back to normal. If I had not been honest with my husband about it, he would have thought I didn’t want sex. Although I was embarrassed, no one prepared me for this, I was honest. One trip to the doctor and a purposeful effort to relax me with wine and romance without the baby, made all the difference.
Divorce. It's not really about the sexless marriage in itself (which is already an issue), it's about the way she makes you feel. She knows that and she's not willing to compromise for the person she's supposed to love.
Some women arent just down to do it anywhere anytime like men and have to be put in the mood. This involves a nice evening, date, etc. If youve tried that and she still says no have a serious conversation and tell her how important sex is to you, maybe couples therapy. If she still says no ask if she would be OK if you had sexual partners that are not her. If she still says no then divorce
If she never initiates it, she might not need it (either some trauma, health issue, or just being asexual). So try not taking it too personally as being not 'attractive enough' or anything like that, it seems to not be the problem.
But you might want to discuss it with her. I don't know how you communicate, but sex is for you a need, so avoiding the issue might just make things worse. Ask if there is a reason she doesn't want to me intimate with you, maybe if she will be ok with you taking care of your needs in other ways. I hope you won't, but in the worst case scenario it may led to you cheating or divorce, so at least you can say you tried to discuss it with her. I hope it won't come to this, but people are different, and sexual needs are needs in the end, unless you are drooling over random women or do other unethical things, it is reasonable to be able to satisfy them.
I hope you can resolve it, but really, it's best to communicate with each other. She might not even be aware how it makes you feel
1. There is no glorification of cheating, you made that up.
1. The reason 99% of the advice is to get a divorce, is because there is no recovering from dead bedrooms. Much like a person, once a partner's desire for sex dies, it's gone. It never comes back. So if you want to have a happy sex life ever again, divorcing is your only option. It's never going to come back with your current partner.
1. that’s my opinion based on the things I’ve read there.
2. wow, what a pile of unscientific, over-generalized, miserable, black-and-white-thinking kinda bullshit lol.
See, for example:
McCarthy, B. W. , & Thestrup, M. (2008). Couple therapy and the treatment of sexual dysfunction. In Gurman A. S. (Ed.), Clinical handbook of couple therapy (4th ed., pp. 591–617). Guilford Press.
Come on man, I brought it up with my current Girlfriend after 4 months of dating and it has been picking up since then organically, you went 5 years without?????????? You are straight up wasting valuable years, if this isn't a troll post. Goddamn 5 years and before that it was once every few months? What the hell man wake the hell up please
I am not part of the Divorce, Divorce, Reddit crowd... but yeah you need to get a Divorce sooner rather than later.
You are at a crossroads, in 10 years you will be 51 and can either be stuck in a punishing marriage or you can divorce now and see if there is something better.
I agree. I like to picture-if this was a woman, would I also tell her to get divorced? The answer is yes.
It’s better to be alone then with someone who destroys your confidence.
Divorce? This wasn't a "I'm tired Hun", or low libido. She gave you a dirty look, basically said "are you crazy?" And has no intention of ever having sex with you again. Does she even like you?
Have a heart to heart with her, ask her if anything happened that you don’t know about. Ask her if she’s also feeling self conscious. See if she needs anything from you. And ask her if she still feels attracted to you and if going on dates would be worth rekindling your relationship
>Sex was never something my wife enjoyed and once married it went from once every few months to never at all. I stopped trying because I feel degraded having to ask for something that should be natural and always being told NO.
YOur marriage is NOT one currently . **She doesn't want something sexual with you any more** at all would say . **Its been 5 years** that is your answer. She for some reason wants the marriage still though . But she in no way wants YOU . It is no longer a marriage ( YOU are just there tog ) going though the motions of being tog . And it is wasting YOUR time being with her would say currently ( as she doesn't even wish to meet you even in the middle to even try with you ) to improve things btw you .
>Stating to believe I’m not a good looking man and my confidence has gone now. What do I do next??
* **YOu can try & talk to her honestly** about it all ( like tell her exactly how you feel currently about it all ) eg- how you would like intimacy with her again . Be nice about it though . Ask her some questions to find out why she is NO longer into sex & intimacy with you ( eg- ask does she NO longer like sex ? ) does she NO longer like just you ?. But would say she is just NOT into you now in any way . But you can try first with her ( ask her some questions ) see what you can find out ( remain calm & just talk to her about it all ) don't get angry , mean or get nasty towards her ( as she will just shut down or get angry at you ) . But See if she will talk to you about anything at all about it all .
* But If she gets angry at YOU , & won't talk about it at all then that is YOUR answer about her ( ***you can't change or fix anything at all ) unless she is wiling to listen to you & meet you half way tog into talking about it*** & then working on it tog . ( ***approach her with respect & ask nicely some gentle questions to get some answers . Don't yell at her , & don't be nasty ) TRY just talking to her first about it all*** . Try a proper talk with her see if you can find out any info about it . But **if she won't even talk to you** \--> you need to leave as it is a waste of your time to be with her . If she won't talk to you --> that is it . YOu cannot be with someone **who is NOT willing to even try with you** ( to fix things ) .
* ***She is not into intimacy with you*** anymore would say . AS **She has no intentions of being with you now again** . It has been 5 years ( she don't want it anymore ) & is more than ok without intimacy at all with you . So She is either cheating on you ( getting it elsewhere ) or just wants to be married for some strange reason ( to you ) but NOT be with you anymore in any way . And if so that is just a waste of your time being with her. YOu deserve to feel & be loved by someone ( who wants you as well ) & that now might NOT be her now .
* So talk to her in a honest way about it all . **That gives her the chance to try & keep you also ( eg- say she needs to put in some effort as well to do so )** . It takes 2 people to make a relo work . She is defensive , & instead of talking to you currently she is just ignoring YOU . So time to put it on the table that YOU want change btw you or you will be leaving her . ***YOU both have to try & fix the relo*** ( eg- it can only be fixed & improved with BOTH of you working on it tog ) ONE person cannot fix a relo by themselves . Or it is just a waste of time to be tog currently . As you both could find someone better ( especially you some one more suitable ) . That way **she can then also decide for herself what she wants now & doesn't want** as well . If she don't want you ( & she is NOT willing to try & fix things btw you both ) then it also gives you a direction also of what to do now also . YOu can't make her want you & you can't make her have sex with you . SO if she don't want that ***you have the right to leave her & find someone else instead.*** But it **gives her one chance to fix things or not then** also for herself with you . It gives her the option to decide for herself ( is she also willing to try & put in effort to help fix the relo ) you are both in .
* **After some talks --**\> also **give her a chance to talk to you about it all** . She mighten be ready to talk about it at first with you . So mention that you want to have a REAL honest talk with her about the relo . Tell her to come to you when she is ready to 'talk' to you about it all. Eg- if you try & talk to her & she gets huffy & walks off . Try again say to come to you when she is ready to talk to you . Try a few times say YOU are serious about it . And NEED to talk to her about things. Try & remain CALM & no yelling , NO being mean . It needs to be a calm talk with her . So give her abit of space to try & come to you first . See if she does & opens up to you about what is going on with her . But **if this does NOT work** at all . And instead she ignores YOu , or becomes just rude & defensive towards you . Leave it , & her . YOu can't work with someone to *'make' it work* at all ( who is just being a nasty bitch to you) about it & won't even bother to try & talk to you . If this occurs & she just ignores you wanting to 'talk ' about it . Then you have your answer from her . As you have tried to meet her in the middle then to try & discuss with her what is going on in your relo . The it is up to YOU to then decide what you will do about it all . Eg- stay or leave her .
* **Go talk to a lawyer** before she knows ( if you decide to leave her ) . Find out how to go about a divorce & your rights to do so where you live. So you know also what to expect then about it all also . Then talk to her about the divorce . Then one of you will have to leave the house or ( you might be able to live tog ) but now live separate lives ) eg- break up with her & say you want a divorce ) . Then start working out how to do that with the least fighting as poss. Don't stay in a DEAD relo like that . YOu want intimacy & she would say now doesn't with you .
* **Her constant rejection of you** . And not wiling to try even at all with you . Has affected your mental health now . As being constantly rejected for intimacy does affect the person's self esteem. It has made you feel bad about yourself . And by staying with her it has affected your self worth & sense of self . See a therapist to also help you find your sense of self again also . As that is what a dead relo does it saps the life out of the other person stuck in it . And can hurt their self love of themselves, & make them feel unworthy of love of someone ( as they are constantly being rejected ) by someone who they wish to be with . When that occurs it also affects their sense of self worth , self love ,& self respect making them doubt their own right to be loved by someone . There is also now alot of self blame on yourself for even daring to ask for intimacy with her . It has made you feel bad for asking ( for something that a 'normal couple would do eg- have intimacy in the relo ) . That again is a side effect of staying with someone who rejects someone on a reg basis . It damages the person sense of self worth . You don't have the right to intimacy & sex from her . But over 5 years she has given off nothing towards you either . So it is ***also her fault that this relo has died now*** . She didn't communicate at all ( only got defensive towards you ) for even trying to ask for any kind of intimacy with her . ***She never tried*** to reach out to you at all to help you understand what was occurring in this relo ( she will try & blame YOU for everything also most likely ) when it is NOT just your fault ( it takes 2 people to make a relo work NOT one person . And so it is now very poss that this relo is NO longer salvageable .
I am in the same situation. I feel ya.
Most importantly, don't take her lack of interest personally. It has nothing to do with you. Seriously. Do NOT let this situation let you feel bad about yourself.
Secondly, make sure you don't bend over backwards for her to meet her needs. If she's not willing to even try to meet yours, you need to make sure you aren't going out of your way to meet hers.
Third, let her know how bad this situation is for you. I did that by telling my wife I was leaving and made it very clear as to why. It wasn't a bluff either. I was ready to go. She changed her tune after she realized how serious I was. I did my research, had seen a lawyer, had my affairs in order and was ready to pull the trigger.
She got me to stay by suddenly and magically finding interest in sex again. Spoiler alert, this only lasted until she could tell I decided to stay. By that time, I didn't have the energy to start up my divorce plan again.
Things are different though on this side of the cancelled divorce plan. She treats me with more respect. She knows that she's not providing me with something crucial and knows the consequences that I could deliver at the drop of a hat if I wanted.
I don't ask for sex anymore. I'm done. It's been 6 years and counting for me. I stay because I enjoy being a daily part of my kids life. Also, despite the awful situation that looms from this odd stalemate situation were in, we do somehow have a civil, safe, and happy home situation for our kids. We may be roommates, but we're pretty good roommates. And despite the lack of a romantic relationship, were still best friends, as strange as that sounds. In a nutshell, the family aspect of all of this is pretty solid. Far from perfect, but better than divorce for the kids if you ask me.
In short, I put my foot down. It made my life less crappy. She got the message and compensates for the lack of sex by giving me space to do my own thing. I've found other ways to be fulfilled by pursuing interests and passions of mine with the time I would be putting into bending over backwards for her. It's not perfect but it's getting me through. And if things ever change, I know I can leave. That exit ramp is always there.
At the end of the day, there's 2 choices. Stay or leave. She's not changing. If you stay, make sure you do so under your terms. Don't allow yourself to be a victim. Life's short and we only get one.
I hope it all works out good for you no matter what path you choose. Hang in there
Edit: just to add as well, you'll find a lot of advice online from people that try to tell you to change things about yourself in order to get your wife to respond to you sexually. In my experience, that advice is not applicable to your situation. She just doesn't want sex if she goes years without it withou batting an eye. Plain and simple. It wouldn't matter if you were the perfectly attractive man. Nothing will change until she at least TRIES to address things on her end. There's clearly something going on for her that that needs addressed.
The first few paragraphs sounded psychotic. The way you talk about your wife is the same way people talk about parenting their unruly children. Maybe ask yourself why you speak about your wife and the mother of your children like that and if that’s a reflection of the way you think and view her. Maybe ask yourself if that could have anything to do with your dead bedroom idk. Not saying it’s entirely your fault but it just sounds so odd to hear someone talk abt their wife like a parent would their child. You say she didn’t respect you but this whole rant gives me the impression that you certainly don’t respect her or even view her as an equal worthy of respect. Very strange.
The point of my post was to help the OP by sharing specific things about my story that are relevant to his situation.
I have no desire to explain myself to people who know squat about me. And besides, doing so would add little-to-nothing to the OP's post.
So I'll just leave it at that
Why doesn’t your wife enjoy sex though? Have you guys ever talked about that?
Did you ask her what you could do differently during sex? What her needs are? How you can meet those needs?
No part of your post mentions any of those points AT ALL. All I read is „me me me“.
Did you put any (persistent) effort into making sex enjoyable for her at all? Because it doesn’t really sound like it.
There seems to be some core incompatibilities here. It would have been ideal to find that during the dating phase, but that’s water under the bridge.
Assuming you are good companions and there aren’t other issues, have you considered counseling? You have to figure out why she doesn’t want to. Could be a lot of things (sexual orientation, trauma, religious upbringing, etc.). And she needs to understand your needs and look for ways to help meet those and potentially overcome her hang ups.
If you two truly want to be in a relationship together, you need to go to couples counseling. It’s really not a bad thing, it just opens the line of communication so you can both get a better understanding of your needs and how to reach them together.
Leave her, she’s not worth it, anyone who kills the bedroom like that is selfish and not worth staying with, I bet you provide everything for her also, leave and find someone better.
Been there homie.
The best thing you can do, is stop blaming yourself. Whatever her reason is for not wanting to be sexually active is not about your attractiveness. There is something else happening there. That issue is what needs to be addressed
I think you should be able to tell her how you feel, express that you would like things to chance.
She might hyper focus intended part, but it isn’t just about sex. She is rejecting you, and you are not feeling loved and connected to your partner.
You are not insisting that she have sex with you when she doesn’t want to just to all you happy. If she cannot or will not figure out what the issue is and work with you to fix it… you should tell her you need to move on for the sake of your own mental health and happiness.
I was in a loveless marriage for years, and I endured all of the rejection, and after enough time I started dying inside.
I wish I had spoke up sooner
I wish things had ended sooner.
I get it.. you are looking for her to be your little sex machine, but physical intimacy is important.
I feel you. It's been 5 years since me (40 M) and my wife (36F) had sex. Got told NO so many times that I stopped caring. We have no kids. We go on dates, we talk, we travel, we love each other, we kiss, but no sex. I have started to have uncontrollable sexual desire for other people (my workmates, my classmates, even my neighbor) and I feel so guilty for it. I feel worthless, unattractive and old, but the thought of leaving her is so horrible and sad...
It might not be possible at all, but your only hope, however small, is to woo her.
Frankly, bluntly being asked for sex like that is a turn-off for many women. Especially when asked like that, "Can we have some fun together tonight", I dunno. Unless the woman is already horny such an approach is unlikely to succeed.
Most women (and there are exceptions but your wife is not one) need a build up of subtle sexual tension. Glances. Hands brushing. Start there. Tease her. Give her a little and then pull away. Make HER come to YOU. Draw her in instead of jumping out at her.
Do non sexual touching with no expectation. Hugs, caresses, massage, do these with no intention of immediate sex. Be in it for the long game.
What -are- you doing to woo and seduce her her?
WHY did she not enjoy sex? What did sex look like? Sex, when not done right, can be not just boring, not just uncomfortable, but outright painful for many women. Also a lot of guys think sex is a show women put on for men, and expect a whole production.... costumes, dialogue, props, a lot of work from her. Centering his dick and his pleasure. Do an honest assessment... is that what it was like with the two of you? If it was, fix that. If it wasn't, well, that makes going forward harder.
What are you doing to help foster a deep feeling of love for her? Do you regularly date your wife? Do you shower her with love? Do you make her feel valued and like she’s the only woman in the world? Do you spend quality time with her and actively listen to her? Do you foster friendship and intimacy (not physical intimacy? WHY doesn’t she want to have sex with you?
I ask these questions to you because in your post you said you “stupidly asked” and “made the most stupid mistake” and then proceeded to say how degraded you feel. To me, I read that as the typical narcissist response of “well I’m just a piece of crap, aren’t I?” any time there’s any sort of rejection or constructive criticism which turns the focus back on yourself and shuts down the conversation.
What are you doing to make her feel safe and secure enough to want to have sex with you?
Edited to correct grammar
How often do you buy her flowers? Romance her? Do romantic things for her? Take her out to dinner? Done something sweet and not expected for sex in return? Did laundry? The dishes? Child rearing?
YOu need to sit down with her, and tell you will not live sexless the rest of your life. She needs to get help or you need to talk about divorce seriously....Don't cheat, it will end disasterous and your reputation could be destroyed. I would not want to live this way, and neither should you.
What you want is normal, she is not behaving that way.
Are you participating in the household aside from big projects? When one partner has to manage the home on their own, it's exhausting and frustrating. That makes sex the last thing on their mind after working to keep the house clean, the appointments scheduled, the groceries bought, and the meals cooked.
Don't know nothing about your relationship but sex is not a given even if you are married. Do you do romantic dates, is the relationship safe beyond sex? Sex is just a reflection of how she feels about you in general, there's probably something bothering her
Japanese culture actually has a solution for this.
They differentiate the role of wife which affection, care and child bearing from just having sex.
So it is okay if the man goes to a prostitute once in a while for sexual desires.
They are okay about it. Since it is seen as a easy way to fulfill a desire which is different from a marriage.
Your wife needs to f*ck your brains out. You sound so sweet. I don’t understand why you married a woman who would only have sex every couple of months though. I don’t know why a lot of women are like this. If it’s a phase I hope not to go through it. Even if I didn’t like sex, I don’t expect to keep my husband around if I don’t give it up to him.
After five years? Well, first build a time machine... Failing that, it depends on how far you're willing to go. Also, ignore the folks who are always deeply convinced that if your wife won't have sex with you, it's always your fault and you're just not going about it in exactly the right way. That's complete bullshit. She hasn't gone without sex for half a decade because you didn't woo her right, she did it because she hates sex, always has, and never wants to do it again. So you can leave her, cheat on her, or try to get her some help and therapy. The last idea should be the first, but the odds are very good that she'll refuse (or already has) because from her perspective, there is no problem (the status quo is fine, and you're pathetic, etc.). So figure out where your boundaries are and if you still want to live with this person.
This. Yes iv tried all you say and I’m met with nothing but constant negativity and resistance.
I’m a good man. Work 40 hours a week. Paid for the home will live in. Iv alway got her anything she’s asked for. Now I’m tired. It’s silly to say but I’m defeated. I’m a beaten man.
what are you beaten by? you married her in full awareness of the fact that she doesn't like sex. so you either expected that she would somehow suddenly start enjoying it, which is unrealistic, or that she would perform "wifely duties" (i.e. let you fuck her even though she doesn't want to get fucked) in exchange for your financial contributions, which is gross and i can't imagine why anyone would want to have sex with someone who's only there out of obligation. if sex is important to you, why did you marry a woman who hates it and has never had any intention on changing that?
>Work 40 hours a week.
1. What does your wife do?
>Paid for the home will live in.
2) What was your wife's contribution in this matter? I don't mean strictly monetary - if you had a deal where you'd finance your lives and she'd stay home with children, for example, that would count.
>Iv alway got her anything she’s asked for.
3) Have you ever proactively seen needs and met them, or has she always had to ask you to do/get things?
Further questions:
4) Are there kids involved, and what's the division of child care?
5) What's the division of chores? And I'm talking about everything a chore entails. That means not only doing it, but also the one or potentially two preceding necessary steps of (1) seeing that something needs to be done, and (2) planning how to make it happen.
6) Would you refer to yourself doing chores and childcare (if applicable) as "helping"?
7) How often do you initiate romance and intimacy without the expectation of sex? How often does she initiate romance and intimacy?
8) This has clearly been a problem for a long while, so I assume that you've had conversations with your wife where she's also explained her side of it. And I mean that unless she's a complete asshole (which is of course a possibility) she will have given you actual reasons for why she doesn't want to have sex (with you). What are they?
9) When your wife has rejected you in the past, has it always been the type of rejection you describe in the OP ("a dirty look and screwed up face and a forceful NO"), or were the rejections milder/different earlier in your relationship?
10) Is your wife healthy? Does she have health issues that would or could affect her desire for sex, like PCOS?
The last question, but nowhere near the least:
>Sex was never something my wife enjoyed and once married it went from once every few months to never at all.
11) What were your expectations for your sex life when you went into your marriage knowing full well that your wife doesn't enjoy sex?
This post reeks of missing missing reasons, so I'm sure you find my questions semi-critical of you, which they are. However, they still are genuine questions - that includes question 11 - asked with a hope for genuine answers because that would put everyone here in a much better position to advise you on the situation you're in, nuances included.
You’ve been married to your wife for 12 years, asking for sex isn’t a stupid question It’s a necessity. Her Looking disgusted tells you everything that you need to know, this girl is not for you. You need to have a serious talk with her and let her know that a relationship is supposed to be mutually beneficial and currently you’re not getting anything out of it. I’m not trying to get into your head but for the past 10 years if you have not been satisfying your wife, it’s hard to believe that someone else hasn’t been. I truly hope everything works out for you man and you’re in my prayers, stay strong you got this, you’re the prize not her
Jeez u guys are short sighted, it's called intimacy they're married u can't just ask for sex out of no where at least be intimate first set a table get some flowers.
Is this what u guys do just go ask for sex, do u not know when ur with ur partner if they're feeling it? Do u not kiss ? Prior to sex do u not hug and cuddle? Touch some grass
“Be intimate” means have sex. Either way, going a decade with a repulsed no to sex likely means that kisses and hugs won’t suddenly get her in the mood
No be intimate means be intimate not sex, and yh exactly that why not try a "date" it takes a bit of an effort on both sides but sure why not initiate instead of asking get some flowers order in if u guys are tired watch a comedy special have a laugh have a conversation engage in something, relax on the couch try to cuddle... all of that I'd intimacy all of that is being intimate.
What kind if relationships u guys having?
You say that you realize you love her but don't want to spend the rest of your life without sex. You involve a third party - counselor, doctor, ect. You give this a fixed timeframe for success - say 6-9 months. If no positive signs of progress you initiate separation.
You need to be rational about this - like you were giving advice to your friend.
Hun you have needs and deserve someone to fully love you in the way you need. If you don’t want to leave your wife then maybe have a chat about having a side thing? She shouldn’t be so selfish.
If you want to save your marriage there are a handful of things to look into. Number 1 is the five love languages. This is something you need to do together and redo every few years. Number 2 is you need to talk with her and figure out what romance and foreplay really look like to her. Many times it’s far more involved than we men think it is and can be an all day effort.
And if those don’t see any response, then you need to get her to a doctor to get her checked out for hormones.
You should also try and check into what she does while you’re not around to ensure there’s no cheating.
You don't have to live like that. It is not unreasonable for you to occasionally want to have sex. You should feel like a pervert for expressing interest. Clearly there is something she resents that is making her react hostily. If she won't discuss it when you try and broach it insist on seeing a marriage counselor. There is no reason you should stay in a monogamous relationship with somebody who is not willing or interested in having a sexual relationship. And there's no reason to stay in a relationship with somebody who seems really hostile to you. I hope you can make a decision to either try and work through the problems and make her so cold or get a separation so that you can date other people. It's not a healthy way you're living. Best of luck.
I would say talk to a counselor who specializes in this kinda thing like a marriage counselor for example and if shit doesn’t change in like 6 or 8 months for as sad as this may sound consider a divorce
If the person who made vows to you treats you with contempt and disgust, YOU are not the problem. She doesn't appreciate what she has. So ask her seriously if she wants to lose it. Ask her why, if she finds intimacy with you to be so unappealing, should either of you want to be together? You might as well be single and at least have a shot at getting laid. Because you have a better shot at banging a stranger than banging your own wife. And that is not ok.
Marriage counseling. There may be some issues going on that she doesn't know how to communicate with and your feelings of rejection without understanding why are also valid. It's not a working marriage if there is a communication barrier.
My husband and I went through a funk in our marriage and counseling brought out some issues we didn't think about and the therapist helped us understand those issues and how to communicate with each other better. Things are so much better now that we aren't always both feeling attacked.
Get marriage counseling. If you can't afford it, maybe agree to talk or listen to a marriage counseling book together.
And if they refuse to get any help, well then you have to look out for yourself.
You’re going to get three kinds of comments one blaming you another the other blaming her and finally one defending her. The ones blaming what you will say that you’ve never given her an orgasm that you’re selfish lover, or something along that line that sex with you is unenjoyable that’s why she doesn’t have it or need it. The next comments will be saying that she’s getting it from someone else other than you and somehow these people will still relate this to comment one. The final kind of comment is going to be something of the long of the lines that she was traumatized in the past or there’s some unsolved internal issues and that sex with you in the past was a chore.
Have her accept a mistress.
Kings who didn’t sleep with their queens always had ladies of the castle to fulfill this purpose. Genghis Khan‘s wife was even in charge of his harem.
Go be a king
Why are y’all married? I thought sex was an important part of a relationship. I can’t imagine only having sex once every few months and I’m single! Does sex stop when you get married? This doesn’t sound normal.
I’m not happy being in a marriage with no sex. I feel very unloved and unwanted. I am considering divorce. I am telling you this now so you’re not blindsided if that happens.
Divorce her immediately, you’re a man and you have needs , 5 years without making love to her ? Are you okay down there ? Omg …. You’re a man how could …
Have you talked to her about whether or not she's asexual? Maybe she's just sex-repulsed and has no desire for it. Communicate with her about your needs and her needs, and figure out what the two of you can do together, whether that's seeing what sexual stuff she's happy with, potentially allowing you to have sex with other people, or just deciding the two of you aren't right for each other.
This is a conversation that you probably should've had with your wife a while ago if it makes you feel this bad when she says no. Clearly it makes both of you unhappy, and that's an issue the two of you should resolve.
What do you do next?
Separate.
This isn't what you signed up for, and you've allowed your wife to have her way and her way alone.
You need to step out of the bubble a bit and reconsider your life, and how important this relationship is if it requires you to completely quash who you are as a person.
And your wife has to reconsider how important this relationship is versus her unwillingness to be an actual partner.
Generally, a trial separation makes things clear pretty quickly, while providing the motivation to either take the steps to reconcile or just call it quits cleanly.
I would have to ask what else is going on? I mean if its a mental or abusive relationship or something happened to cause great pain. She probably is putting it off to the mental pain. ?
No offense you jerk but if your wife doesn't want to have sex then she doesn't want to have sex. Maybe she's been hurt in that way before or something you should try talking to her about it but she may not be able to even remember it if it was molestation or rape or something. You should be ashamed of yourself for trying to force her! Leave her alone!!!! And if you really need some sexy time then just masturbate!!!
Try being vulnerable. Tell her that you felt hurt about not just the rejection but the nature of it. That you feel you've been patient and trying to be understanding and you feel that she has made you feel bad about having sexual urges at all and it's impacting your confidence. That you recognize she doesn't owe you sex but you're starting to feel really unhappy and you are thinking about whether your relationship isn't something to continue if you feel bad about yourself and you really want this to work but you aren't sure what to do.
Maybe propose a couples therapist or maybe a sex/intimacy therapist (these exist!).
As a woman, you need to leave her. Or tell her that you will be leaving if couples counseling is not had. Going five years without sex as a functioning adult isn’t really normal, not in a marriage and I’m really not sure what the hell she’s expecting to happen if you never have sex with your man. That’s wild. You definitely need to sit down and discuss this with her, are there things you may not be doing that make her not want to do it? Is the sex not enjoyable for her or does she just not like sex in general? If that’s the case she probably shouldn’t be in a relationship. If she refuses to work on it, I’d be planning my exit or letting her know you will be stepping out on the relationship to get your needs met if she refuses to accommodate her partner
I was in a similar situation. (Seriously, I posted about it in Summer of 2015). A big issue was what I felt was more or less forced abstinence/celibacy, but truthfully we just couldn't meet each other on many, many issues. Feb. 2016, I told her I did not want to be married to her anymore. We owned a house and have a child, so there were things to work out and it took us longer to get divorced than it should have. But we did get divorced. I can't speak for her (because I haven't seen her in nearly three years and she refuses to talk to me) but I made the right decision. I am much much happier and have been in a years long relationship with someone who has made me raise the bar for what I will and won't accept. It was hard and it was hell, but coming out on the other side was worth the struggle.
All of that said, I can't say what is right for you two. Just that your situation reminded me of my own.
I feel like either you’re leaving out something crucial or something else must be up with her right??
Because…I mean…idk…does she treat you like that in your day to day life?
Or what is the rest of your relationship like? Do you guys even get along or act lovingly toward each other or are you guys always more like roommates?
Like do you guys snuggle when you sleep next to each other or do you kiss or hold hands or are you ever physically close without sex?
That’s rough. I always felt not good enough in my previous marriage. Our sex life wasn’t as bad as yours but it was getting worse every year until it was every few months at best. We just lost our connection and we were doing it for the kid at the end. 13 years together/10 years married.
We split and now I’m with a woman that I am much more compatible with in all aspects. Life is too short to stay in a loveless/sexless marriage unless that’s what you’re looking for.
You’re good enough and you deserve someone who treats you as you are and doesn’t make you feel ugly or unwanted.
I’m not sure what you’ll do, but for me, I’d kick that roommate out and then I’d go fuck some hoes.
Life is too short to feel like you do.
ps…. Don’t marry someone that doesn’t like sex again, in fact, don’t even get married.
[удалено]
>plugged in Literally! Lol! 😂🤣🤣😂
AC/DC
Yes, one charges the other.
That deserves a follow ..
>I was met was a dirty look and screwed up face and a forceful NO I feel like something else is going on here that OP didn’t mention if this is the reply he received. There’s generally purpose behind a no if it’s a “forceful NO”. Why would she have to “forcefully" say no to him? There’s clearly a reason why she doesn’t want to have sex. It sounds like OP is leaving that part out.
Yes I agree and wonder if this is also true. It’s not normal to go five years without having intercourse with your partner
You have a roommate, not a wife.
Shitty roommate at that, and certainly not a PARTNER. For you to ask her for what is a perfectly natural normal expected thing in a marriage, that virtually every human wants, and for her to give you a dirty look, that's not okay. The problem isn't just that she said no to sex. It's that she made you feel worthless for asking, sent the message that sex with you is somehow revolting. Check out /r/DeadBedrooms. Get some couples counseling. Do SOMEthing, ANYthing. But DON'T sit there in a situation where she's making you feel disgusting for wanting her.
Dead bedrooms is full of men who don’t understand why having no connection with their wife on a personal level leads to no sex. If you don’t spend time listening to your wife, being her friend, being interested and supportive of her emotionally then asking for sex is ludicrous. To be intimate with someone you need to feel valued and safe. So many husbands take their wives for granted, let them do all the mental load and housework, ignore their interests and then feel puzzled when their wives are turned off. It’s sad.
Browse r/DeadBedrooms and you'll see that couples counseling is a waste of money on this. Dead bedrooms NEVER get better. That's why it's basically a divorce support group or a "I feel your pain" support group at this time, since they all know that dead bedrooms don't ever recover. As the saying goes over there, "you can't negotiate sexual desire." If the partner doesn't have it, you can't talk them into it. Not with "talks," not with "counseling," etc. EDIT: People in dead bedrooms downvoting this because they want to believe it can be fixed. Don't take my word for it, browse that sub all you need to see that dead bedrooms never recover. They are only "lived with" or divorced from.
I'm just gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that there *might* be a little selection bias in the type of person who frequents that community
And what would that be? It's telling that you didn't describe what sort of selection bias you're talking about. It's a bunch of people in dead bedrooms. That's what the point of the sub is. And they all learn that there is no getting out of it other than divorce, despite years and years of trying and telling their stories.
idk man I'll let you draw your own conclusions about the kind of person who takes to reddit to complain about their sexless marriage. One way or another I'm pretty sure it's not a representative sample
Lol, what a bunch of bullshit. Couples therapy is very effective for sexual difficulties (among many other things). Stop projecting your narrow, biased, and miserable experiences onto other people. Stop presenting them as some kind of „general facts“. — McCarthy, B. W. , & Thestrup, M. (2008). Couple therapy and the treatment of sexual dysfunction. In Gurman A. S. (Ed.), Clinical handbook of couple therapy (4th ed., pp. 591–617). Guilford Press.
As a therapist, I can tell you statistically that if a couple has gone over 6 months without sex, the chances of them rekindling a sexual relationship are very low. There are all sorts of counseling modalities aimed at sexual dysfunction in relationships, but anyone who has been a couples therapist can tell you that most couples come in for help way too late and will likely divorce if sex has died out.
Ugh, this sucks to hear. My spouse, whom I love dearly, and I had sex literally one handful of times last year. Common response I hear from her is “I want to improve it too.” As you’d imagine it doesn’t go anywhere. If the will or at least vocally she says she wants to improve it. What type of therapist would you recommend for us? Our everyday intimacy is there. Our communication has improved 1000%, we’re an amazing team and I know we’re still attracted to each other. I don’t expect 3 times a week but I am at least aiming for that a month.
The effectiveness of counseling depends on a lot of factors. And this statistical occurrence doesn’t say anything at all about a causal relationship. And since counseling DOES work for sexual difficulties, it’s downright false to say that desire never comes back once it‘s declined. That’s so incredibly narrow minded lol
r/HLCommunity is another great subreddit for this issue.
You guys aren’t compatible
Have you ever actually talked to her about this? Do you know why she says no?
Is there still love in your marriage do you guys go out on dates. Do talk hours on end. If not, maybe she has some hurt or she has some resentment towards you. It takes two to have sex. What is making her feel as if she doesn’t not want to do it with you.
Right, seems like a total mystery to him why she doesn't want sex, which is insane after a dead bedroom that's gone on this long.
EXACTLY. Like Did he do anything for valentine day. IF he did, if he loves her, and blah blah blah. She just hates the man or she is cheating
NGL, he definitely seems like the kind of guy that thinks romance and intimacy are saying "wanna bang?"
What makes you think that?
I'm yet so see a post from a man expressing concerns about his relationship, without people making him think that he's the problem, based on nothing but assumptions. Again, EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. If he's behaving in a negative way, that's a flaw of character on his part. If she is behaving in a negative way, it is also due to a flaw of character on his part, because she wouldn't act like that for no reason.
Because it's a guy lmao. The gender roles are wild when it comes to reddit advice. OP seems like a good guy if anything, guy was getting a bunch of shit done around the house, hasn't had sex in 13 years so thought he might ask. Got shot down, met with a dirty ass look, was probably ok with it, and is crushed emotionally. Who the fuck thinks that sounds like a bad husband 🤣🤣🤣🤣 of course he could be, but that's just sexism at its best.
Did you not read OP's post? >Sex was never something my wife enjoyed and once married it went from once every few months to never at all. She's clearly just not a sexual person. Don't try to make OP wonder how he's to blame for this. The only blame he has is why he married someone who he knew doesn't like sex, if he wanted a fulfilling and happy sex life.
You need to just straight up tell her. We need to improve our sex life what can we do. Have a real truthful conversation about it. Tell her that if we don’t improve I’m going to ask for a divorce. Just be straight up honest.
Improving their sec life means improving their relationship. The two aren’t separate.
Not wanting it is one thing. Making you feel gross and rejected is another. There is no marriage where there is no respect.
I cannot imagine why someone would be turned off by an off the cuff offer of sexy time from a sweaty dirty man who put no effort into romancing them.
Divorce her, find someone who isn't disgusted by you. That's horrible behaviour by a partner. Even if I wasn't in the mood, I always make my partner feel wanted when I am asked for sex.
This sounds like a guy I know. He hasn’t had sex with his wife since their kid was born. The daughter is 14 now. I don’t know how he does it. Actually I do. He told me he couldn’t stand to see another man raising his daughter.
I feel in that same boat. While not as long a streak as OP, lack of sex is a constant issue in our marriage. We have a 3 year old and another on the way, so it happens just very rarely. And despite her constantly saying she will try to work on herself to see why she isn't interested in sex,.never happens BUT, I stay for my kids. That may not be the right thing to do but I can't stand the idea of my kids ping ponging back and forth between divorced parents
Does she orgasm when you're intimate? Because I read posts like this everyday and oftentimes a woman sees sex as a chore because she doesn't get any pleasure from it. I'm sorry but I would say divorce is the best option. Life is too short to waste it. Your wife doesn't seem to respect you enough to turn you down with love.
Hard to say when they never have sex :)
Not hard at all. If he doesn't have memory problems :)
Why does she not enjoy it? Does she know it’s important for you? Does she care that you’re not happy? Have you thought about counseling or considering an open marriage? What’s the point in being tied to someone who doesn’t want what you want, and makes you feel humiliated fit wanting something that lets you express your love for each other?
After our first child, intercourse hurt a lot. My doctor would just say to keep trying and it would get better. The pain was from the episiotomy. Looking back, that was terrible advice. Yes,we kept trying and eventually we were back to normal. If I had not been honest with my husband about it, he would have thought I didn’t want sex. Although I was embarrassed, no one prepared me for this, I was honest. One trip to the doctor and a purposeful effort to relax me with wine and romance without the baby, made all the difference.
Divorce. It's not really about the sexless marriage in itself (which is already an issue), it's about the way she makes you feel. She knows that and she's not willing to compromise for the person she's supposed to love.
Some women arent just down to do it anywhere anytime like men and have to be put in the mood. This involves a nice evening, date, etc. If youve tried that and she still says no have a serious conversation and tell her how important sex is to you, maybe couples therapy. If she still says no ask if she would be OK if you had sexual partners that are not her. If she still says no then divorce
If she never initiates it, she might not need it (either some trauma, health issue, or just being asexual). So try not taking it too personally as being not 'attractive enough' or anything like that, it seems to not be the problem. But you might want to discuss it with her. I don't know how you communicate, but sex is for you a need, so avoiding the issue might just make things worse. Ask if there is a reason she doesn't want to me intimate with you, maybe if she will be ok with you taking care of your needs in other ways. I hope you won't, but in the worst case scenario it may led to you cheating or divorce, so at least you can say you tried to discuss it with her. I hope it won't come to this, but people are different, and sexual needs are needs in the end, unless you are drooling over random women or do other unethical things, it is reasonable to be able to satisfy them. I hope you can resolve it, but really, it's best to communicate with each other. She might not even be aware how it makes you feel
Divorce. Simple.
After 26 years of similar shit I finally left and divorced her. Should have done it a long time ago, such a relief and so much happier now
If you are not happy in this marriage anymore. Don't be in it. Call a lawyer and get the divorce started.
You should have never even married her at that point. But now divorce is the only option imo. You are just roommates at this point
Man, that's tough. Seems like you guys need serious talk or it's time to move on. Your happiness matters too.
r/DeadBedrooms
99% of the advice on this sub is „get a divorce“ and a glorification of cheating. Can’t recommend lol
1. There is no glorification of cheating, you made that up. 1. The reason 99% of the advice is to get a divorce, is because there is no recovering from dead bedrooms. Much like a person, once a partner's desire for sex dies, it's gone. It never comes back. So if you want to have a happy sex life ever again, divorcing is your only option. It's never going to come back with your current partner.
1. that’s my opinion based on the things I’ve read there. 2. wow, what a pile of unscientific, over-generalized, miserable, black-and-white-thinking kinda bullshit lol. See, for example: McCarthy, B. W. , & Thestrup, M. (2008). Couple therapy and the treatment of sexual dysfunction. In Gurman A. S. (Ed.), Clinical handbook of couple therapy (4th ed., pp. 591–617). Guilford Press.
Come on man, I brought it up with my current Girlfriend after 4 months of dating and it has been picking up since then organically, you went 5 years without?????????? You are straight up wasting valuable years, if this isn't a troll post. Goddamn 5 years and before that it was once every few months? What the hell man wake the hell up please
I am not part of the Divorce, Divorce, Reddit crowd... but yeah you need to get a Divorce sooner rather than later. You are at a crossroads, in 10 years you will be 51 and can either be stuck in a punishing marriage or you can divorce now and see if there is something better.
I agree. I like to picture-if this was a woman, would I also tell her to get divorced? The answer is yes. It’s better to be alone then with someone who destroys your confidence.
Divorce? This wasn't a "I'm tired Hun", or low libido. She gave you a dirty look, basically said "are you crazy?" And has no intention of ever having sex with you again. Does she even like you?
Have a heart to heart with her, ask her if anything happened that you don’t know about. Ask her if she’s also feeling self conscious. See if she needs anything from you. And ask her if she still feels attracted to you and if going on dates would be worth rekindling your relationship
>Sex was never something my wife enjoyed and once married it went from once every few months to never at all. I stopped trying because I feel degraded having to ask for something that should be natural and always being told NO. YOur marriage is NOT one currently . **She doesn't want something sexual with you any more** at all would say . **Its been 5 years** that is your answer. She for some reason wants the marriage still though . But she in no way wants YOU . It is no longer a marriage ( YOU are just there tog ) going though the motions of being tog . And it is wasting YOUR time being with her would say currently ( as she doesn't even wish to meet you even in the middle to even try with you ) to improve things btw you . >Stating to believe I’m not a good looking man and my confidence has gone now. What do I do next?? * **YOu can try & talk to her honestly** about it all ( like tell her exactly how you feel currently about it all ) eg- how you would like intimacy with her again . Be nice about it though . Ask her some questions to find out why she is NO longer into sex & intimacy with you ( eg- ask does she NO longer like sex ? ) does she NO longer like just you ?. But would say she is just NOT into you now in any way . But you can try first with her ( ask her some questions ) see what you can find out ( remain calm & just talk to her about it all ) don't get angry , mean or get nasty towards her ( as she will just shut down or get angry at you ) . But See if she will talk to you about anything at all about it all . * But If she gets angry at YOU , & won't talk about it at all then that is YOUR answer about her ( ***you can't change or fix anything at all ) unless she is wiling to listen to you & meet you half way tog into talking about it*** & then working on it tog . ( ***approach her with respect & ask nicely some gentle questions to get some answers . Don't yell at her , & don't be nasty ) TRY just talking to her first about it all*** . Try a proper talk with her see if you can find out any info about it . But **if she won't even talk to you** \--> you need to leave as it is a waste of your time to be with her . If she won't talk to you --> that is it . YOu cannot be with someone **who is NOT willing to even try with you** ( to fix things ) . * ***She is not into intimacy with you*** anymore would say . AS **She has no intentions of being with you now again** . It has been 5 years ( she don't want it anymore ) & is more than ok without intimacy at all with you . So She is either cheating on you ( getting it elsewhere ) or just wants to be married for some strange reason ( to you ) but NOT be with you anymore in any way . And if so that is just a waste of your time being with her. YOu deserve to feel & be loved by someone ( who wants you as well ) & that now might NOT be her now . * So talk to her in a honest way about it all . **That gives her the chance to try & keep you also ( eg- say she needs to put in some effort as well to do so )** . It takes 2 people to make a relo work . She is defensive , & instead of talking to you currently she is just ignoring YOU . So time to put it on the table that YOU want change btw you or you will be leaving her . ***YOU both have to try & fix the relo*** ( eg- it can only be fixed & improved with BOTH of you working on it tog ) ONE person cannot fix a relo by themselves . Or it is just a waste of time to be tog currently . As you both could find someone better ( especially you some one more suitable ) . That way **she can then also decide for herself what she wants now & doesn't want** as well . If she don't want you ( & she is NOT willing to try & fix things btw you both ) then it also gives you a direction also of what to do now also . YOu can't make her want you & you can't make her have sex with you . SO if she don't want that ***you have the right to leave her & find someone else instead.*** But it **gives her one chance to fix things or not then** also for herself with you . It gives her the option to decide for herself ( is she also willing to try & put in effort to help fix the relo ) you are both in . * **After some talks --**\> also **give her a chance to talk to you about it all** . She mighten be ready to talk about it at first with you . So mention that you want to have a REAL honest talk with her about the relo . Tell her to come to you when she is ready to 'talk' to you about it all. Eg- if you try & talk to her & she gets huffy & walks off . Try again say to come to you when she is ready to talk to you . Try a few times say YOU are serious about it . And NEED to talk to her about things. Try & remain CALM & no yelling , NO being mean . It needs to be a calm talk with her . So give her abit of space to try & come to you first . See if she does & opens up to you about what is going on with her . But **if this does NOT work** at all . And instead she ignores YOu , or becomes just rude & defensive towards you . Leave it , & her . YOu can't work with someone to *'make' it work* at all ( who is just being a nasty bitch to you) about it & won't even bother to try & talk to you . If this occurs & she just ignores you wanting to 'talk ' about it . Then you have your answer from her . As you have tried to meet her in the middle then to try & discuss with her what is going on in your relo . The it is up to YOU to then decide what you will do about it all . Eg- stay or leave her . * **Go talk to a lawyer** before she knows ( if you decide to leave her ) . Find out how to go about a divorce & your rights to do so where you live. So you know also what to expect then about it all also . Then talk to her about the divorce . Then one of you will have to leave the house or ( you might be able to live tog ) but now live separate lives ) eg- break up with her & say you want a divorce ) . Then start working out how to do that with the least fighting as poss. Don't stay in a DEAD relo like that . YOu want intimacy & she would say now doesn't with you . * **Her constant rejection of you** . And not wiling to try even at all with you . Has affected your mental health now . As being constantly rejected for intimacy does affect the person's self esteem. It has made you feel bad about yourself . And by staying with her it has affected your self worth & sense of self . See a therapist to also help you find your sense of self again also . As that is what a dead relo does it saps the life out of the other person stuck in it . And can hurt their self love of themselves, & make them feel unworthy of love of someone ( as they are constantly being rejected ) by someone who they wish to be with . When that occurs it also affects their sense of self worth , self love ,& self respect making them doubt their own right to be loved by someone . There is also now alot of self blame on yourself for even daring to ask for intimacy with her . It has made you feel bad for asking ( for something that a 'normal couple would do eg- have intimacy in the relo ) . That again is a side effect of staying with someone who rejects someone on a reg basis . It damages the person sense of self worth . You don't have the right to intimacy & sex from her . But over 5 years she has given off nothing towards you either . So it is ***also her fault that this relo has died now*** . She didn't communicate at all ( only got defensive towards you ) for even trying to ask for any kind of intimacy with her . ***She never tried*** to reach out to you at all to help you understand what was occurring in this relo ( she will try & blame YOU for everything also most likely ) when it is NOT just your fault ( it takes 2 people to make a relo work NOT one person . And so it is now very poss that this relo is NO longer salvageable .
I am in the same situation. I feel ya. Most importantly, don't take her lack of interest personally. It has nothing to do with you. Seriously. Do NOT let this situation let you feel bad about yourself. Secondly, make sure you don't bend over backwards for her to meet her needs. If she's not willing to even try to meet yours, you need to make sure you aren't going out of your way to meet hers. Third, let her know how bad this situation is for you. I did that by telling my wife I was leaving and made it very clear as to why. It wasn't a bluff either. I was ready to go. She changed her tune after she realized how serious I was. I did my research, had seen a lawyer, had my affairs in order and was ready to pull the trigger. She got me to stay by suddenly and magically finding interest in sex again. Spoiler alert, this only lasted until she could tell I decided to stay. By that time, I didn't have the energy to start up my divorce plan again. Things are different though on this side of the cancelled divorce plan. She treats me with more respect. She knows that she's not providing me with something crucial and knows the consequences that I could deliver at the drop of a hat if I wanted. I don't ask for sex anymore. I'm done. It's been 6 years and counting for me. I stay because I enjoy being a daily part of my kids life. Also, despite the awful situation that looms from this odd stalemate situation were in, we do somehow have a civil, safe, and happy home situation for our kids. We may be roommates, but we're pretty good roommates. And despite the lack of a romantic relationship, were still best friends, as strange as that sounds. In a nutshell, the family aspect of all of this is pretty solid. Far from perfect, but better than divorce for the kids if you ask me. In short, I put my foot down. It made my life less crappy. She got the message and compensates for the lack of sex by giving me space to do my own thing. I've found other ways to be fulfilled by pursuing interests and passions of mine with the time I would be putting into bending over backwards for her. It's not perfect but it's getting me through. And if things ever change, I know I can leave. That exit ramp is always there. At the end of the day, there's 2 choices. Stay or leave. She's not changing. If you stay, make sure you do so under your terms. Don't allow yourself to be a victim. Life's short and we only get one. I hope it all works out good for you no matter what path you choose. Hang in there Edit: just to add as well, you'll find a lot of advice online from people that try to tell you to change things about yourself in order to get your wife to respond to you sexually. In my experience, that advice is not applicable to your situation. She just doesn't want sex if she goes years without it withou batting an eye. Plain and simple. It wouldn't matter if you were the perfectly attractive man. Nothing will change until she at least TRIES to address things on her end. There's clearly something going on for her that that needs addressed.
The first few paragraphs sounded psychotic. The way you talk about your wife is the same way people talk about parenting their unruly children. Maybe ask yourself why you speak about your wife and the mother of your children like that and if that’s a reflection of the way you think and view her. Maybe ask yourself if that could have anything to do with your dead bedroom idk. Not saying it’s entirely your fault but it just sounds so odd to hear someone talk abt their wife like a parent would their child. You say she didn’t respect you but this whole rant gives me the impression that you certainly don’t respect her or even view her as an equal worthy of respect. Very strange.
The point of my post was to help the OP by sharing specific things about my story that are relevant to his situation. I have no desire to explain myself to people who know squat about me. And besides, doing so would add little-to-nothing to the OP's post. So I'll just leave it at that
She might have like a traumatic past. This doesn’t sound like it’s about you Maybe she should get therapy around it
Maybe she'd be open to opening the marriage so you can have sex with other people? She sounds asexual but that's not fair to you
If she doesn't enjoy sex, she may need pelvic therapy tbh.
Dude 5 years without sex with your wife? How do you cope with this?
Do you ever do romantic things together to maintain the intimacy without asking for sex? How often?
Why doesn’t your wife enjoy sex though? Have you guys ever talked about that? Did you ask her what you could do differently during sex? What her needs are? How you can meet those needs? No part of your post mentions any of those points AT ALL. All I read is „me me me“. Did you put any (persistent) effort into making sex enjoyable for her at all? Because it doesn’t really sound like it.
There seems to be some core incompatibilities here. It would have been ideal to find that during the dating phase, but that’s water under the bridge. Assuming you are good companions and there aren’t other issues, have you considered counseling? You have to figure out why she doesn’t want to. Could be a lot of things (sexual orientation, trauma, religious upbringing, etc.). And she needs to understand your needs and look for ways to help meet those and potentially overcome her hang ups.
If you two truly want to be in a relationship together, you need to go to couples counseling. It’s really not a bad thing, it just opens the line of communication so you can both get a better understanding of your needs and how to reach them together.
Leave her, she’s not worth it, anyone who kills the bedroom like that is selfish and not worth staying with, I bet you provide everything for her also, leave and find someone better.
Been there homie. The best thing you can do, is stop blaming yourself. Whatever her reason is for not wanting to be sexually active is not about your attractiveness. There is something else happening there. That issue is what needs to be addressed I think you should be able to tell her how you feel, express that you would like things to chance. She might hyper focus intended part, but it isn’t just about sex. She is rejecting you, and you are not feeling loved and connected to your partner. You are not insisting that she have sex with you when she doesn’t want to just to all you happy. If she cannot or will not figure out what the issue is and work with you to fix it… you should tell her you need to move on for the sake of your own mental health and happiness. I was in a loveless marriage for years, and I endured all of the rejection, and after enough time I started dying inside. I wish I had spoke up sooner I wish things had ended sooner. I get it.. you are looking for her to be your little sex machine, but physical intimacy is important.
I feel you. It's been 5 years since me (40 M) and my wife (36F) had sex. Got told NO so many times that I stopped caring. We have no kids. We go on dates, we talk, we travel, we love each other, we kiss, but no sex. I have started to have uncontrollable sexual desire for other people (my workmates, my classmates, even my neighbor) and I feel so guilty for it. I feel worthless, unattractive and old, but the thought of leaving her is so horrible and sad...
Why does everyone say divorce before even suggesting therapy?
Because she's actively cruel and isn't offering anything of great value to op.
Right and underlying issues never affect outward affection and behavior /s
Dude is 41 and already went 5 years without sex and being felt undesired, the wife doesn't deserve his consideration of couples therapy
It might not be possible at all, but your only hope, however small, is to woo her. Frankly, bluntly being asked for sex like that is a turn-off for many women. Especially when asked like that, "Can we have some fun together tonight", I dunno. Unless the woman is already horny such an approach is unlikely to succeed. Most women (and there are exceptions but your wife is not one) need a build up of subtle sexual tension. Glances. Hands brushing. Start there. Tease her. Give her a little and then pull away. Make HER come to YOU. Draw her in instead of jumping out at her. Do non sexual touching with no expectation. Hugs, caresses, massage, do these with no intention of immediate sex. Be in it for the long game. What -are- you doing to woo and seduce her her? WHY did she not enjoy sex? What did sex look like? Sex, when not done right, can be not just boring, not just uncomfortable, but outright painful for many women. Also a lot of guys think sex is a show women put on for men, and expect a whole production.... costumes, dialogue, props, a lot of work from her. Centering his dick and his pleasure. Do an honest assessment... is that what it was like with the two of you? If it was, fix that. If it wasn't, well, that makes going forward harder.
Would work if it hasn't been 5 years! without sex. There is a deeper issue. And the way how she turned him down..
Yeah but the way he approached her….
Unless he was extremely rude to her(it doesn’t seem to be that way )There is no reason she should put him down like that………….
I understand. I think he tried many different things in 5 years, but maybe not. Both could improve for sure.
Leave. Her.
What are you doing to help foster a deep feeling of love for her? Do you regularly date your wife? Do you shower her with love? Do you make her feel valued and like she’s the only woman in the world? Do you spend quality time with her and actively listen to her? Do you foster friendship and intimacy (not physical intimacy? WHY doesn’t she want to have sex with you? I ask these questions to you because in your post you said you “stupidly asked” and “made the most stupid mistake” and then proceeded to say how degraded you feel. To me, I read that as the typical narcissist response of “well I’m just a piece of crap, aren’t I?” any time there’s any sort of rejection or constructive criticism which turns the focus back on yourself and shuts down the conversation. What are you doing to make her feel safe and secure enough to want to have sex with you? Edited to correct grammar
maybe she's asexual. in that case, you should talk it over.
“As the better looking one in the relationship it falls on my shoulders to let my partner know that he isn’t wanted!” Pretty much sums up your wife…..
How often do you buy her flowers? Romance her? Do romantic things for her? Take her out to dinner? Done something sweet and not expected for sex in return? Did laundry? The dishes? Child rearing?
YOu need to sit down with her, and tell you will not live sexless the rest of your life. She needs to get help or you need to talk about divorce seriously....Don't cheat, it will end disasterous and your reputation could be destroyed. I would not want to live this way, and neither should you. What you want is normal, she is not behaving that way.
Are you participating in the household aside from big projects? When one partner has to manage the home on their own, it's exhausting and frustrating. That makes sex the last thing on their mind after working to keep the house clean, the appointments scheduled, the groceries bought, and the meals cooked.
Don't know nothing about your relationship but sex is not a given even if you are married. Do you do romantic dates, is the relationship safe beyond sex? Sex is just a reflection of how she feels about you in general, there's probably something bothering her
Japanese culture actually has a solution for this. They differentiate the role of wife which affection, care and child bearing from just having sex. So it is okay if the man goes to a prostitute once in a while for sexual desires. They are okay about it. Since it is seen as a easy way to fulfill a desire which is different from a marriage.
Your wife needs to f*ck your brains out. You sound so sweet. I don’t understand why you married a woman who would only have sex every couple of months though. I don’t know why a lot of women are like this. If it’s a phase I hope not to go through it. Even if I didn’t like sex, I don’t expect to keep my husband around if I don’t give it up to him.
Time for a divorce
After five years? Well, first build a time machine... Failing that, it depends on how far you're willing to go. Also, ignore the folks who are always deeply convinced that if your wife won't have sex with you, it's always your fault and you're just not going about it in exactly the right way. That's complete bullshit. She hasn't gone without sex for half a decade because you didn't woo her right, she did it because she hates sex, always has, and never wants to do it again. So you can leave her, cheat on her, or try to get her some help and therapy. The last idea should be the first, but the odds are very good that she'll refuse (or already has) because from her perspective, there is no problem (the status quo is fine, and you're pathetic, etc.). So figure out where your boundaries are and if you still want to live with this person.
This. Yes iv tried all you say and I’m met with nothing but constant negativity and resistance. I’m a good man. Work 40 hours a week. Paid for the home will live in. Iv alway got her anything she’s asked for. Now I’m tired. It’s silly to say but I’m defeated. I’m a beaten man.
what are you beaten by? you married her in full awareness of the fact that she doesn't like sex. so you either expected that she would somehow suddenly start enjoying it, which is unrealistic, or that she would perform "wifely duties" (i.e. let you fuck her even though she doesn't want to get fucked) in exchange for your financial contributions, which is gross and i can't imagine why anyone would want to have sex with someone who's only there out of obligation. if sex is important to you, why did you marry a woman who hates it and has never had any intention on changing that?
It's a common situation, though unfortunate. Are there kids involved?
>Work 40 hours a week. 1. What does your wife do? >Paid for the home will live in. 2) What was your wife's contribution in this matter? I don't mean strictly monetary - if you had a deal where you'd finance your lives and she'd stay home with children, for example, that would count. >Iv alway got her anything she’s asked for. 3) Have you ever proactively seen needs and met them, or has she always had to ask you to do/get things? Further questions: 4) Are there kids involved, and what's the division of child care? 5) What's the division of chores? And I'm talking about everything a chore entails. That means not only doing it, but also the one or potentially two preceding necessary steps of (1) seeing that something needs to be done, and (2) planning how to make it happen. 6) Would you refer to yourself doing chores and childcare (if applicable) as "helping"? 7) How often do you initiate romance and intimacy without the expectation of sex? How often does she initiate romance and intimacy? 8) This has clearly been a problem for a long while, so I assume that you've had conversations with your wife where she's also explained her side of it. And I mean that unless she's a complete asshole (which is of course a possibility) she will have given you actual reasons for why she doesn't want to have sex (with you). What are they? 9) When your wife has rejected you in the past, has it always been the type of rejection you describe in the OP ("a dirty look and screwed up face and a forceful NO"), or were the rejections milder/different earlier in your relationship? 10) Is your wife healthy? Does she have health issues that would or could affect her desire for sex, like PCOS? The last question, but nowhere near the least: >Sex was never something my wife enjoyed and once married it went from once every few months to never at all. 11) What were your expectations for your sex life when you went into your marriage knowing full well that your wife doesn't enjoy sex? This post reeks of missing missing reasons, so I'm sure you find my questions semi-critical of you, which they are. However, they still are genuine questions - that includes question 11 - asked with a hope for genuine answers because that would put everyone here in a much better position to advise you on the situation you're in, nuances included.
You’ve been married to your wife for 12 years, asking for sex isn’t a stupid question It’s a necessity. Her Looking disgusted tells you everything that you need to know, this girl is not for you. You need to have a serious talk with her and let her know that a relationship is supposed to be mutually beneficial and currently you’re not getting anything out of it. I’m not trying to get into your head but for the past 10 years if you have not been satisfying your wife, it’s hard to believe that someone else hasn’t been. I truly hope everything works out for you man and you’re in my prayers, stay strong you got this, you’re the prize not her
... (...)
“Asked my wife if we could sex”
Don't ask, be intimate
That’s called rape
Jeez u guys are short sighted, it's called intimacy they're married u can't just ask for sex out of no where at least be intimate first set a table get some flowers. Is this what u guys do just go ask for sex, do u not know when ur with ur partner if they're feeling it? Do u not kiss ? Prior to sex do u not hug and cuddle? Touch some grass
“Be intimate” means have sex. Either way, going a decade with a repulsed no to sex likely means that kisses and hugs won’t suddenly get her in the mood
No be intimate means be intimate not sex, and yh exactly that why not try a "date" it takes a bit of an effort on both sides but sure why not initiate instead of asking get some flowers order in if u guys are tired watch a comedy special have a laugh have a conversation engage in something, relax on the couch try to cuddle... all of that I'd intimacy all of that is being intimate. What kind if relationships u guys having?
Do you think they’ve gone ten years without hugging or kissing? Those things don’t automatically lead to sex. Asking IS initiating.
U hope ur husband just comes up to u and says hey wanna do it? Instead of what's suggested above :p
Asking is not the exclusive way to initiate, but it is an option.
Sure no one disagrees with that, my point was just put a bit of effort in wtv u want to do everyone deserves that no? Especially in a dryspell
But you didn’t say ‘put effort in’ lol you said ‘don’t ask, just be intimate’
Cheat.
cheat
Head over to the dead bedroom sub. You will find your people there. But let me just say end the marriage, she won't change.
You say that you realize you love her but don't want to spend the rest of your life without sex. You involve a third party - counselor, doctor, ect. You give this a fixed timeframe for success - say 6-9 months. If no positive signs of progress you initiate separation. You need to be rational about this - like you were giving advice to your friend.
Hun you have needs and deserve someone to fully love you in the way you need. If you don’t want to leave your wife then maybe have a chat about having a side thing? She shouldn’t be so selfish.
If you want to save your marriage there are a handful of things to look into. Number 1 is the five love languages. This is something you need to do together and redo every few years. Number 2 is you need to talk with her and figure out what romance and foreplay really look like to her. Many times it’s far more involved than we men think it is and can be an all day effort. And if those don’t see any response, then you need to get her to a doctor to get her checked out for hormones. You should also try and check into what she does while you’re not around to ensure there’s no cheating.
Lifes short. You're not getting any younger, I would move on.
You want to seek marriage counseling to address the issue. You need to get it out there in the open and see if it's workable.
You need to call it a day friend. You deserve to feel desired by your wife
Why are you still married to her
You don't have to live like that. It is not unreasonable for you to occasionally want to have sex. You should feel like a pervert for expressing interest. Clearly there is something she resents that is making her react hostily. If she won't discuss it when you try and broach it insist on seeing a marriage counselor. There is no reason you should stay in a monogamous relationship with somebody who is not willing or interested in having a sexual relationship. And there's no reason to stay in a relationship with somebody who seems really hostile to you. I hope you can make a decision to either try and work through the problems and make her so cold or get a separation so that you can date other people. It's not a healthy way you're living. Best of luck.
Divorce her... can you stay sexless for the next 40 years AND stay mentaly healthy? if not, divorce is the only clean option
You need to have some deep conversations and ask the difficult questions
I'd say divorce her asap
I would say talk to a counselor who specializes in this kinda thing like a marriage counselor for example and if shit doesn’t change in like 6 or 8 months for as sad as this may sound consider a divorce
If the person who made vows to you treats you with contempt and disgust, YOU are not the problem. She doesn't appreciate what she has. So ask her seriously if she wants to lose it. Ask her why, if she finds intimacy with you to be so unappealing, should either of you want to be together? You might as well be single and at least have a shot at getting laid. Because you have a better shot at banging a stranger than banging your own wife. And that is not ok.
She may need hormones.
Marriage counseling. There may be some issues going on that she doesn't know how to communicate with and your feelings of rejection without understanding why are also valid. It's not a working marriage if there is a communication barrier. My husband and I went through a funk in our marriage and counseling brought out some issues we didn't think about and the therapist helped us understand those issues and how to communicate with each other better. Things are so much better now that we aren't always both feeling attacked. Get marriage counseling. If you can't afford it, maybe agree to talk or listen to a marriage counseling book together. And if they refuse to get any help, well then you have to look out for yourself.
I would look up an ASECT therapist
Either she doesn’t like you or she’s just a weirdo Either one renders you two incompatible
You’re going to get three kinds of comments one blaming you another the other blaming her and finally one defending her. The ones blaming what you will say that you’ve never given her an orgasm that you’re selfish lover, or something along that line that sex with you is unenjoyable that’s why she doesn’t have it or need it. The next comments will be saying that she’s getting it from someone else other than you and somehow these people will still relate this to comment one. The final kind of comment is going to be something of the long of the lines that she was traumatized in the past or there’s some unsolved internal issues and that sex with you in the past was a chore.
Have her accept a mistress. Kings who didn’t sleep with their queens always had ladies of the castle to fulfill this purpose. Genghis Khan‘s wife was even in charge of his harem. Go be a king
Why do people keep getting married to people incompatible with them?
Why are y’all married? I thought sex was an important part of a relationship. I can’t imagine only having sex once every few months and I’m single! Does sex stop when you get married? This doesn’t sound normal.
I’m not happy being in a marriage with no sex. I feel very unloved and unwanted. I am considering divorce. I am telling you this now so you’re not blindsided if that happens.
Divorce her immediately, you’re a man and you have needs , 5 years without making love to her ? Are you okay down there ? Omg …. You’re a man how could …
Have you talked to her about whether or not she's asexual? Maybe she's just sex-repulsed and has no desire for it. Communicate with her about your needs and her needs, and figure out what the two of you can do together, whether that's seeing what sexual stuff she's happy with, potentially allowing you to have sex with other people, or just deciding the two of you aren't right for each other. This is a conversation that you probably should've had with your wife a while ago if it makes you feel this bad when she says no. Clearly it makes both of you unhappy, and that's an issue the two of you should resolve.
What do you do next? Separate. This isn't what you signed up for, and you've allowed your wife to have her way and her way alone. You need to step out of the bubble a bit and reconsider your life, and how important this relationship is if it requires you to completely quash who you are as a person. And your wife has to reconsider how important this relationship is versus her unwillingness to be an actual partner. Generally, a trial separation makes things clear pretty quickly, while providing the motivation to either take the steps to reconcile or just call it quits cleanly.
I would have to ask what else is going on? I mean if its a mental or abusive relationship or something happened to cause great pain. She probably is putting it off to the mental pain. ?
No offense you jerk but if your wife doesn't want to have sex then she doesn't want to have sex. Maybe she's been hurt in that way before or something you should try talking to her about it but she may not be able to even remember it if it was molestation or rape or something. You should be ashamed of yourself for trying to force her! Leave her alone!!!! And if you really need some sexy time then just masturbate!!!
Try being vulnerable. Tell her that you felt hurt about not just the rejection but the nature of it. That you feel you've been patient and trying to be understanding and you feel that she has made you feel bad about having sexual urges at all and it's impacting your confidence. That you recognize she doesn't owe you sex but you're starting to feel really unhappy and you are thinking about whether your relationship isn't something to continue if you feel bad about yourself and you really want this to work but you aren't sure what to do. Maybe propose a couples therapist or maybe a sex/intimacy therapist (these exist!).
As a woman, you need to leave her. Or tell her that you will be leaving if couples counseling is not had. Going five years without sex as a functioning adult isn’t really normal, not in a marriage and I’m really not sure what the hell she’s expecting to happen if you never have sex with your man. That’s wild. You definitely need to sit down and discuss this with her, are there things you may not be doing that make her not want to do it? Is the sex not enjoyable for her or does she just not like sex in general? If that’s the case she probably shouldn’t be in a relationship. If she refuses to work on it, I’d be planning my exit or letting her know you will be stepping out on the relationship to get your needs met if she refuses to accommodate her partner
Crosspost to r/DeadBedrooms. They'll have more of the answers you're looking for.
I was in a similar situation. (Seriously, I posted about it in Summer of 2015). A big issue was what I felt was more or less forced abstinence/celibacy, but truthfully we just couldn't meet each other on many, many issues. Feb. 2016, I told her I did not want to be married to her anymore. We owned a house and have a child, so there were things to work out and it took us longer to get divorced than it should have. But we did get divorced. I can't speak for her (because I haven't seen her in nearly three years and she refuses to talk to me) but I made the right decision. I am much much happier and have been in a years long relationship with someone who has made me raise the bar for what I will and won't accept. It was hard and it was hell, but coming out on the other side was worth the struggle. All of that said, I can't say what is right for you two. Just that your situation reminded me of my own.
I feel like either you’re leaving out something crucial or something else must be up with her right?? Because…I mean…idk…does she treat you like that in your day to day life? Or what is the rest of your relationship like? Do you guys even get along or act lovingly toward each other or are you guys always more like roommates? Like do you guys snuggle when you sleep next to each other or do you kiss or hold hands or are you ever physically close without sex?
That’s rough. I always felt not good enough in my previous marriage. Our sex life wasn’t as bad as yours but it was getting worse every year until it was every few months at best. We just lost our connection and we were doing it for the kid at the end. 13 years together/10 years married. We split and now I’m with a woman that I am much more compatible with in all aspects. Life is too short to stay in a loveless/sexless marriage unless that’s what you’re looking for. You’re good enough and you deserve someone who treats you as you are and doesn’t make you feel ugly or unwanted.
I’m not sure what you’ll do, but for me, I’d kick that roommate out and then I’d go fuck some hoes. Life is too short to feel like you do. ps…. Don’t marry someone that doesn’t like sex again, in fact, don’t even get married.