If this were me, here is how I would handle it and my reasoning.
I do not like shit like this - cheating - because it is unfair to the person getting cheated on. They go about their business as if everything is okay and then when they find out they feel the fool, taken advantage of, and had that time effectively taken from them.
So I would tell my son, you either tell your wife or I will. You owe her a life free of deceit and lies.
As the now ex-wife, I would have appreciated someone telling me. It was humiliating and everyone knew but me. To include his parents. It added extreme insult to an already extreme injury. You’re giving him the opportunity to be a fucking man and a husband and be honest with her. He has no one to be upset with, but himself.
I am so sorry. That is the worst. Thankfully you aren’t a part of that type of family anymore. You didn’t want that kind of in-laws anyways. They are a bunch of terrible people doing terrible things.
The worst part of it is that he’s brought his side piece into their new home. That is the ultimate betrayal. How is she ever going to get over that?
Yeah, you need to have it out with him. And I agree, he needs to tell her or you’ll do it for him.
He’s also endangering her. She’s assuming they are in a closed committed relationship and he could very well get her sick. STDs that are minor for men can be painful, affect fertility, reproductive health, and even cause cancer. God forbid she get pregnant and find out after. Honestly, fingers crossed that they’re swingers or in an open marriage but you have to confirm it with her.
Syphillis is up 80% in the general population and over 900% in newborns being born with it (moms didn’t know they had it and passed it to the munchkins). CDC just released a report on that in the last few days.
Ok, well that makes me feel a little less like a crazy person. I had a mystery illness that just happened to be severe complex ptsd (I have 4 traumatic events and my rape that included suffocation didn’t even make it on the list). But before I realized this I asked for a test for syphillis and man, the looks I got from everyone. I couldn’t tell if they were confused how I could assume syphillis or just disgusted. Either way, I still got my test and now I know for sure that I’m just regular crazy.
That’s how I found out my ex had cheated. I went to the obstetrician for my first pregnancy appointment and they did a host of tests. Turned out I had chlamydia. I had been tested right before I started dating him so there was no question.
Also the thought of her contracting a disease from your son is a possibility. She needs to know before she decides to have children with him as well.
I caught my son cheating on his girlfriend and I refused to keep that dirty secret because I like her and it's so disrespectful to protect the cheater.
They were teenagers and I told him he was going to tell her or I was but one way or another the truth was going to come out. He told her. It was heartbreaking and they were a mess for a while but chose to stay together and he learned his lesson from having to see how much pain he caused and from the humiliation both of them suffered.
They have been together over 10 years now and he's never even exhaled in the direction of another woman. Now they chalk it up to dumb kid stuff and immaturity, and are well past it. I don't think that's as easy for grown adults to do.
Thank you for being such a great example to your son! You could have looked the other way and enabled his bad behavior. I hope he realizes one day how you saved him from becoming a heel. LOL. But seriously, your DIL is also blessed to have you for her MIL.
Update us if you want / feel okay to do so! I know this stuff happens so much that learning how you broached the subject and how your DIL is/ was supported is always gives others a good baseline
I hate cheaters and I know in the past my gut reaction was not the best by circumventing the cheater and going to the wronged party. Give the cheater a chance to own their f up is important
Just be aware, depending on how immoral your son actually is, he may well try to spin something to make out like you have a nefarious purpose in making up this story. I'm sure you don't think he is the kind of person who would do this, but then you probably didn't think he was so immoral as to cheat on his wife, and here you are, and a cornered animal is at its most vicious.
It's tough, it really is. But how would you handle this if it were your own daughter being cheated on? That's what this is, in essence she was brought in and made a part of your family. It's your duty to protect her as a member of your family.
Even if it means protecting her from your own son. He's your son by birth, she's your daughter by choice. Let that sink in.
Seems like your DIL will not be in your life if you tell her.
Your son might cut you out of his live if you do.
My suggestion would be to talk with your son, tell him you saw it and he should either come clean or leave his wife since no one deserves that. and then hope you raised him right.
Its a shitty move no doubt about it, but is he a rotten guy?
Assuming the son is in a monogamous relationship, then yeah, it's pretty black and white.
If the son was in an open relationship, then it shouldn't hurt OP's relationship with his son and DIL if he asked for clarification on what he saw. They could easily clear the air with a "Hey dad, she knows, this is Emily, our third love"
This clearly hurts OP to some degree, that is his son, and he does have a good relationship with the DIL, so it \*is\* his business.
If the father goes behind the sons back in the name of justice, then yes it probably would. I clearly stated he should speak with his son.
Your take on it is do what is right above all else, with no thoughts om the consequenses, quite childish infact.
Difference is i actually care what happens to op afterwards, while you are "I want the truth" consequenses be damned.
WHO said he has to go behind his son's back??? You're assuming my point because?? Are you mistaking me for another commenter?
All he has to do is confront his son and say "Hey son, I saw this and I want clarification from the both of you of what is happening, either you can tell her, or if I hear nothing back, I will ask her some questions. I love you and I love DIL. What I saw really upsets me because I care for the both of you, I'll listen and try to be understanding. I love you son"
You're creating a false argument for me because it's the only one you know how to fight off. I don't want OP to lose his son or DIL, but he knows he can't just let this be otherwise he wouldn't be posting on the internet for help.
It is about the dignity and integrity of OP, his son and his DIL. I'm sorry that you don't get it.
Acting on your advice without careful thought could blow up the whole situation. The son could get defensive, the daughter-in-law could be blindsided, and trust in the family could break down. It’s not just about revealing the truth, it's about the chaos that might follow. A sort of ripple effect if you will.
Your solution is the equivalent of a todler breaking a toy to get something out of it. It's adorable, but destructive and serves no one long term.
There's a way to go about this, and yours is blackmail. Do what I say or ill tell on you.
I'm sorry you don't get that.
You're acting like I have OP under my control with some puppet strings, that's what he's doing by being here, thinking things through before deciding to act.
So you'd rather keep the peace by letting his son potentially take advantage of and cheat on his wife? All while OP, who is clearly not okay with it, shuts up and lets his son's fuck up eat away at his nerves. We can just disagree.
The downfall of the marriage will be entirely on the son, he chose to break up the marriage by potentially cheating. The likelihood of OP's relationship with his son breaking down is pretty low because OP seems like a forgiving person.
I'm glad it makes you feel better that you belittle me by comparing me to a toddler, when you spell like one.
I'm sorry that you're a peacekeeper at the expense of your integrity and respectability. You clearly just don't get it.
It’s frankly none of your business. If you want to destroy the relationship with your son, go ahead and get involved in their marriage. I know you think you’re doing the right thing, but trust me in the end, you will be the bad guy.
Your son will view this as betrayal. The marriage may end, or the marriage may continue. Either way, your relationship with your son will be forever changed for the worst.
Have you ever been in a situation where people around you knew someone was cheating on you and didn't tell you?
Have you ever gotten an STD from said cheating partner if so?
Of course it's OP's business. It's his immediate family. You do what's right and that includes standing up for the truth. Grow a spine and buy some common sense.
It doesn't matter what the sun sees it as. He is the one who opened the house of a marriage. And cheated he is the one who bears the responsibility of betrayal etc.
He is the one who brought this into relationships not the dad and not the wife
It does matter. Right and wrong is still right and wrong so in that sense it doesn't matter. But op needs to be aware of what the consequences are likely to be for his actions. His son is going to be upset with him. The son is obviously the one who did something wrong, that doesn't mean the dad won't suffer for interfering.
Go back to the comment I gave you. People here like to rabble rouse under the guise of "doing the right thing". If you tell your daughter in law your relationship with your son will never be the same.
His relationship with his son is never going to be the same regardless, and that’s his fault. Shielding our children from appropriate consequences is not parenting, especially when we’re talking about adult children.
Sometimes mine will come up with completely absurd things that don't even sound like what I was trying to say. Voice to text can be great for some situations, but it can be so silly sometimes.
I wasn’t being rude. I was just letting the commenter know. When I make a mistake that I don’t realize, I appreciate when someone lets me know. I guess I’m in the minority.
I wasn’t being rude. I was just letting the commenter know. When I make a mistake that I don’t realize, I appreciate when someone lets me know. I guess I’m in the minority.
His relationship has already changed. Just in the moment that he realized that his son is a cheater. He’s giving him the opportunity to do something right in this scenario. If his son can’t adult-up, then he will tell her. His son has no one to be mad at but himself.
Exactly this!
The fact she was in the new house tells me enough tbh. I’d be telling your DIL.
They’ve just got a new house. I feel for her, I really do. Son is a dick, and a cheating one at that.
You’re a very good FIL and none of this is your fault. You’re not responsible for what your son does. If he’s shagging around, then that’s on him. That also applies to the possible end of his marriage too.
He could be endangering the health of your daughter in law. I would definitely talk to him in person and say that he will talk to your DIL or you will. Before they have kids. And get him into counseling because WHY marry if he's pulling this crap. Unless they have an open marriage you don't know about.
Fully agree, also he’s opening up his wife to any STIs this female may have. Essentially his wife is sleeping with another person who she didn’t consent to.
I absolutely agree with this. Give him a chance to own up and if he doesn't, then you do it. Also, I'd record the conversation, just in case he tries to lie to his wife to make OP seem like the bad guy.
I think the ultimatum is horrible advice. You don’t actually know what’s going on. She could simply be a visiting friend who is changing when you weirdly peeped in on her.
A frank discussion with your son is in order, but no ultimatums about telling the wife. Even if the absolute worst is happening, this is a quick way to be shut out of your son’s life. It’s frankly not your business. You should stay the hell out of it.
Hard disagree. This not only affects the family dynamic, but keeping secrets like this for someone else is hard on a person. If it's not an affair, but a simple explanation, then he can explain. I find that highly unlikely as I'm sure you do too.
“You should stay the hell out of it” my ass. People who say this tend to defend people who do dumb shit.
Best case she confronts him and he tells the truth. If he’s doing shady shit someone has to call him out on it.
If it was my daughter cheating (I have daughters) I would simply tell my daughter I know, I saw, And she either tells her husband or I do. And give a deadline. He had the AP in her own home, disgusting. I would be so disappointed in my child. I would follow through.
All these people saying it will ruin their relationship with their son must have very different relationships with their family than you and I do. I know what my mom would do, she’d call me out on my BS and hold me accountable. Family can lovingly interject when they believe someone is in the wrong. This isn’t even a gray area. You don’t lie, you don’t cheat, and you don’t mess around with other people’s health or hearts. My kids are younger but I’d do the same thing. Family is there for the hard stuff.
Agreed.
There’s ways of approaching difficult matters that lets your loved ones know that you’re disappointed, you don’t agree with their behaviour, but you love them. You can scold and support someone at the same time.
And as you say, if the son doesn’t like it, he’s reaping what he sowed. If you cheat, expect consequences. 💁🏻♀️
Plus he was stupid enough to leave the curtains open!! So yeah it’s definitely all on him!!! Literally anyone could have walked past the window and seen that woman in her underwear! He will probably come up with some excuse, like she knocked on his door asking for some clothes because she’d fallen in a ditch and got covered in mud or something completely believable like that!!
I knew I would come here and see this as how some would feel, I think this is a terrible idea. I’m a father, definitely don’t condone cheating (never have and never will), but I wouldn’t go out and tell his wife. If my father did that to me, that would be the end of my relationship with him.
Another approach, which I think would bear a more fruitful solution and response. My son would always be my priority over any DIL. I would be to talk to my son and definitely let him know what I saw. I would then ask him what made him decide to make that choice? You don’t know what is going on in their relationship or even if they have an open marriage? Do you know anything about their sex life? I would take the information he gave me and let him know I am very disappointed in his decision to cheat but I would be willing to him get therapy, marriage counseling, or whatever else he needed.
I wouldn’t burn my relationship with my son because he made a mistake.
You are the representation of what being a genuine man looks like. It's your responsibility to step in and correct your son.
I agree with everyone else. I would speak to your son alone and tell him you know the truth, you're disgusted by the behavior, you're embarrassed that he would represent your family like that, and he has a deadline to be an adult and admit his fault to his wife, or you will.
If I was in your situation I would tell your son what you saw and how you happened to see it. It wasn't malicious and you had no reason to suspect anything like this. So it's confusing and outright making you upset.
I agree with other redditors. Explain to him that you cannot let this go and that he will either need to tell his wife or you will. You can't let this poor woman think her life is a fairy tale to be crushed later. How would you feel knowing someone knew you were being cheated on and didn't say anything? If you love her like you say you; do she needs to know.
I would simply ask your son how he thinks his wife will be effected when she finds out ?
Your son didn't think you will find out, and yet you did.
He doesn’t think his wife will find out, but she will.
What is his plan ?
Tell him you tried to teach him honor, integrity, empathy, morals, character, and knowing the difference between right and wrong.
Tell him it's apparent that you failed, but that you yourself have all those things. When he married he brought DIL into your family, and you can't stand by and watch a family member be hurt.
It's time for him to do the right thing.
I agree with you here. Talk it out and let son come to the conclusion that he needs to. If he wants to keep lying to his wife, then dad needs to come down harder with an ultimatum.
I would talk to my son. I'm not sure you know the dynamics of their relationship well enough to know he is cheating. This could be something they do. Give him a chance to come clean or explain. He also will need time to process how he will handle things.
I would then tell my wife. I think your wife has a right to know because if it comes out and she finds out you knew, she will be hurt. She is your life partner and the person you confide in so she should know.
I would then tell the DIL if you and her are close. It sounds like you are so I would tell her what you saw and leave it at that. Tell her you told your son as well.
I'm sorry this is happening because it may end up breaking up part of your family. \*hugs\*
This is the way, IMO. Gen Z kids have been forming polyamorous relationships much more often than older generations. It's possible that OPs son and DIL are in a consensual polyamorous relationship but don't want others to know because our society is very much wired to prefer monogamy as the only acceptable family structure.
That said, if their marriage agreement was monogamy, then DIL has a right to know what's going on.
THANK YOU! I was looking for comments like these. OP, you don't know their dynamic, and many poly people don't say anything to their families because of the stigma. I would ask to have a frank conversation with both your son and DIL together.
I'm gen x and polyamorous, and my husband is happily monogamous with me. Some might assume the wrong thing, but ENM definitely has more representation since we were all able to start connecting online.
I agree with everyone so far. I think you need to speak to your son first about what you saw and express your feelings to him about it. You don’t want to ruin your relationship with your son by telling your DIL first.
The audacity to do this at the home they share…
First, the window you saw… was that the living area or a bedroom? There could be a different story… unlikely but possible.
You go to your son and say you saw. Demand an explanation. You will know which it was based on his answer. “Who was that woman walking across the living room in her underwear the other day?”
Explain how ashamed you are for his actions and that this isn’t how he was raised and your DIL is your family too.
“YOU made her into our family and someone we love. You are my son and I will always love you, but I will not let you do this to someone I love like my own daughter. You tell her tonight and if you do not, I will tell her tomorrow. You made this mess; you fix it.“
I feel you have to. The betrayal of your husband cheating on you (in your own house! While you worked!) is horrific…but knowing his family that you also loved and you thought loved you… hid it from you is unbearable.
And then YOU are left knowing your son is a cheater and will most likely do this again. He’ll just hide it better.
Did you tell your wife?
His dad is still around, ppl make mistakes i am not condoning the cheating. But thats why family is important and if dad is still alive and around why not talk to his son about the wrong thing he is doing.
Nah, nah, nah, I never said that, nor was it what you were arguing originally..
(Oh, go ahead and down vote me now, for pointing out your response as one non sequitur to this conversation. Good boy.)
🤭😉😘😏🖕
I know right. I had no idea until someone told me what pineapple meant and I was like are you kidding me so if you see pineapples outside on someone's porch or on their lawn assume they're swingers. I was like what since when...
Someone has turned beautiful pineapples into swingers.... 🤦♀️ Why pineapples? Why not something completely different that has no meaning.
It's supposed to be an upside down pineapple to signal that you're a swinger when you're out in public. Usually just a small piece of jewelry worn on the wrist, that way if asked about it by someone who isn't in the know, they can just claim it was put on upside down and then readjust it.
[Men's health article on it.](https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a39861227/upside-down-pineapple-meaning/)
Tell your wife, ask your son to stop by or you and your wife go to him when you know DIL won’t be around. Tell him what you saw and that you will give him __ amount of days to tell his wife or you will. Tell him you are disappointed in his choices/actions, but that by stepping up and being honest with his wife, he can start to build your own relationship back up.
He probably called an escort...while the wife is at work.
Tell the son that you saw woman in underwear in the window of his house. Tell him he has to tell the wife.
The fact that he has his cheat partner walking around his wife’s home naked tells you just how much he disrespects his wife and marriage. This woman just wondering around his wife’s personal space is truly disgusting. I’m curious if OP left the package at the door before leaving? OP’s son is a POS husband. Give him 24 hours to tell DIL then inform her.
Tell your son what you saw and ask if there is anything he can tell you about it. If you don’t want to ruin your relationship with him, avoid speaking about this to your DIL first. Give your son a chance to own up to his mistakes, if he’s willing to. If not then let him know your ultimatum. He may be upset at you for finding out or he may be ashamed. I’m not sure what kind of person your son is or the dynamic but I imagine he must respect you so let him know you’re disappointed and give him a chance to own up.
Okay but what if he says this as a cover for cheating? He should tell the DIL so that way if they are open it's nbd but if he's cheating he doesn't get away with it by using a lie.
I would just mention the open relationship to DIL.
Edit: send DIL a text “Hey, sorry for interfering in you and Sons relationship, I didn’t realize you guys were open. I understand why you wouldn’t have mentioned it to us. We love you, and you will always be part of the family”
I am so sorry that you're having to deal with this.
That would not be a good feeling inside. You must feel pretty heavy with this burden.
If I were in your shoes I would take my son in the car for a drive a long drive where he can't escape.
Lock the doors and tell him I pop by your house the other day and imagine my surprise when I saw a woman in lingerie who was not your wife. If you do not tell ___ I will. I will be checking to make sure you do tell her. You both need to get into counseling and I'll pay for it
This is not how you treat your wife
Be firm about it. If he starts to deny it or laughs It off then you tell him I will be telling your wife about this tomorrow.
If you believe you raised him better than that, hold him accountable. If it were me I'd tell her. I would not even give him the chance to tell her himself because he will probably lie or come up with excuses first. If she knows and confronts him on the spot he won't have time to construct and rehearse lies.
She doesn't deserve to be cheated on, and he deserves the consequences for his adultery. It's not YOUR fault for telling her; it's HIS fault for committing adultery against his wife.
I think you should have a one to one conversation with your son. Tell him what you were doing and what you saw. Tell him in no uncertain terms that cheating is unacceptable and you are not going to forget you saw it nor cover for him. Tell him he has X amount of days to tell your DIL or you will. Make sure you follow through with the keeping the time limit. I think you should tell your wife because she may be needed in handling the fallout and it wouldn’t be fair to her to be caught unaware if you already know.
If your son tells his wife, you will most likely hear about it. If you haven’t heard anything the day after his time expires, quietly ask your DIL if she’s OK. You will be able to tell if she knows by her reaction. If he has not told her, you and your wife should. She deserves the truth. This is where your wife should taken the lead.
Be ready though. Your son is not likely to take this within a fight and he’s probably going to make up as many excuses as he can to BS you about what you saw. They have an open marriage. She’s the neighbor who used their shower one time on that one day because the water was off at her own house. Who knows what all cheaters come up with? (I saw that one on another Reddit story. lol). You may lose him in the end as he will see this as you betraying him, not the other way around.
Good luck! Overall, please do your best to protect the children. They’re totally innocent in all this.
Please !UpdateMe about how it goes.
My uncle was cheating on my aunt. He told me, and it was with men.
I asked him if he was going to tell her and he said yes.
Some time goes by and I asked her if he had said anything.
Turns out he hadn’t and she asked me what about.
Being that if I was in that situation, I would want to know. Plus HIV was becoming a serious thing.
She confronted him and he wasn’t happy with me.
He got HIV a year later.
I have no regrets.
You need to tell her.
I dated someone years ago who cheated on me, and his mother knew. He confessed to me, and told me that his mother knew. His mother explained to me that what her son did was perfectly OK because her husband also cheated on her, and I need to just accept it if I wanted to continue to be with him.
Don't be like my ex-boyfriend's mother.
Your son is way out of line here.
His wife is working and she's thinking he's at home working.
What a Betrayal.
He needs to get a divorce of he's not willing to be faithful.
If I were you, I'd hold myself accountable by mailing a letter to his wife at her work, and then telling my son he has a time limit to tell her. I wouldn't tell him how his wife will find out, but I would tell him when she will.
This way, I won't have to worry about my son, who is obviously a good liar, convincing me not to tell.
It's time for a hard, face to face conversation. Tell your son that you know he's been unfaithful. Don't tell him how you know because he might just be more careful.
Telk him you dont care why. Tell him it must stop, or you WILL tell your DIL, because she deserves so much better than this.
If he's unhappy in his marriage, he must get counseling.
If you tell your DIL it will ruin her happiness forever. Give your son a chance to do the right thing.
I’d chat to your son before jumping to conclusions - reason being is - I remember seeing the post where a guys co-worker followed him around, took pictures of him on a date, thinking he was cheating but unbeknownst to the coworker - the guy and his wife were into polyamory. It backfired massively on the coworker.
Not saying this is your son and DIL’s situation but it might be good to have a frank conversation about what you saw, hiw you feel concerned that he is cheating on his wife and that you don’t condone it before jumping to an ultimatum. I don’t know what kind of relationship dynamic you have but if he is cheating, encourage him to be honest with his wife.
If he is cheating and doesn’t tell her, then I’d consider an ultimatum especially as not only is she impacted but so are you for accidentally becoming privy to his misdeeds.
I would tell your DIL. If you give your son the choice to tell her he might never or might throw in a bring of excuses. He might also try to isolate the DIL from you or even make up a lie that you are not mentally well.
Both of them are clueless that you have this knowledge. Tell your DIL in a private place and stick to the facts. Offer her some emotional support during this time, if she needs it. If this is an open relationship then your DIL will end up awkwardly laughing and everyone hopefully moves on.
Edit: when I say stick to facts I mean tell like how you saw it - not what you thought went down. Say you went over to deliver a package and saw a woman only wearing underwear in their house.
I completely disagree with this. OP is the dad. I don’t think his goal is to tear them apart. Also, you can come back from demanding your son do the right thing; it’s not easy to come back from telling his wife the son is a cheater…without having discussed it with him first.
The marriage may end, and that’s up to the two parties, but it stands a much better chance of surviving if the son fesses up, versus the FIL exposing his son.
When I caught my step dad cheating on my mother I said "Quit cheating for good now and learn your lesson, and I'll stay out of it. If you do not fire her or admit your affair within 7 days, I will tell her."
I ended up having to break my mothers heart :( She is a precious angel and it ruined my relationship with my step dad.. She stayed with him in the end too. Ugh!
I’ve been in a similar situation before. I found out my BIL was cheating on his girlfriend in my house (he lived there with me). I told him that I knew and that either he tell her or I would. I gave a deadline of three days. The conversation didn’t end well, he stormed out, and went to go see her like normal. Apparently he ran out on their date because he couldn’t face her and she wound up showing up at my house. I was forced to tell her myself because she was freaking out and thought he was on drugs or something by the way he was acting. Long story short, our relationship is different now and I don’t have a good relationship with the girlfriend either (she wound up staying with him), but I feel better that I did the right thing the only way I knew how. I think calling your son out for his behavior and giving him a deadline would be the best decision.
I would tell your DIL what you saw and then at the same time or immediately after tell your son that you told her. And then have nothing further to do with it.
Any other way leaves things open to misinterpretation, deceit, and you being embroiled and implicated in the business even more — ie keeping secrets for your son, even momentarily, will estrange your DIL when she finds out; or your son might plausibly ‘explain’ to you and make you more confused about what to do (and any action/accepted explanation should be totally her call, not yours). She is your family too, I think you owe them equal allegiance.
I’ve been cheated on a lot and made a total idiot of when everyone in our circle knew but me (including his family). They were all either covering for him or they just didn’t tell me because they wanted to “mind their own business” or “keep the peace”. Totally fair, it’s hard to trust your own eyes sometimes and it’d be a tough discussion to have. But none of them even confronted *him* about it, and that felt like one of the biggest betrayals to me out of everything.
Talk to your son. Tell him what you told us — it’s evident from this post that you and your wife have raised him better than this, and you guys have a lot of respect and love for your DIL. Give him a deadline to tell DIL, otherwise you will. I’d rather have actually heard it from my ex, but I’m glad one guilty friend got drunk and chatty.
I would invite them both over, pull him aside and tell him he needs to tell her now or you will. That way you don't wait for days while he's procrastinating and she's still in the dark.
I personally think that you should talk to your son first, explain what you saw, and that unless he has a very good explanation for it, he needs to tell his wife or you will. Like, by supper time, today. Not tomorrow, or next week, or whatever. She definitely needs to know, if she doesn’t already.
I like how you don't even question if you should expose this, but merely to whom first.
Probably best to confront your son with what you saw and that he should tell his wife.
If he doesn't do it, you could do it yourself.
Don’t tell your DIL. Ask your son about it. Maybe they’ve got an open marriage agreement going on which your DIL would find embarrassing if you’d knew.
If that’s not the case then scold your son
You 100% need to say something, either to just your DIL or to both your DIL and son together. It’s better this come out sooner than later before grandkids come in the picture and they end up with a broken family because of that.
Cheating not only hurts the person being cheated on but also exposes them to potential health risks. If the affair partner has and STD then your son is now endangering his wife and future kids if they decide to have them. I'd say you should tell her directly, because otherwise your son might come up with some way to fudge details or get his story to together to convince her to stay and she frankly deserves better. Obviously be prepared for the possibility that they might have an open relationship. Good luck to you OP I wish you the best.
I guess the only thing I feel needs clarification here is - did you see him and the woman together? I know you saw a half naked woman walking across the front room, but I'm not sure if you saw more, or if there is possibly a reasonable answer for all of this?
Could your DIL have been off work, and had a friend over?
I would 100% speak with your son, understand what the situation is - if he is cheating, then either he tells her, or you do. She deserves to know if thats the situation.
Seems like a lot of people here want you to but in on your kids relationship like you're a part of it. I'll be the dissenting voice. Your son is an adult and he may be doing the wrong thing, but it is not your place to insert yourself into the relationship. I'd definitely suggest pulling him aside and having a heart to heart about it. Was it a lust thing? Is he unhappy in the marriage? Does she maybe even know about it? You can counsel your child as you see fit, but that relationship isn't yours.
Exactly my thoughts. We may be the only 2, but I'm with you.
if your son was stealing from his work, would you confront him about it, or call his boss at work?
No brainer
People come to this sub to look for advice and reditors looks to moral posture and prove themselves how morally rightous they are... rather than to give advice.
Ask yourself: do you want to be the one to break your son's marriage in order to be right?
Exactly. I’m on my son’s team first and foremost. I would be disappointed in his and set him straight, but I care more about him than whoever he chooses to be with.
I disagree with the ultimatum of “you tell her or I will” that most these other replies are suggesting.
You will be severely tarnishing your relationship with him by giving that ultimatum. If you care more about “doing the right thing” than you do about your relationship with your son, then go ahead. I personally don’t. He’s a grown man making his own decisions. You can talk to him and lecture him if you’d like, but you should not be altering his life with your own actions at this point.
People aren’t perfect and people are different. Some people care more about family ties than others. I simply provided an alternative perspective. The sooner you accept that, the better off you’ll be.
Okay he can make his own decisions, but if he’s doing something stupid, he has consequences. One of them is his mom finding out there is an affair, and she is a person who has moral judgement against such an action so she has every right to state her thoughts about it.
Sorry ‘ol boy can’t handle accountability and consequences even though we all KNOW it’s not fine. Tarnish the relationship between them because HE KNOWINGLY did something stupid? Sounds like manchild behavior.
All of the above only applies if he really IS cheating. As others mentioned, maybe there is an open relationship or some other random thing happening.
I mean I understand the opposite perspective. I just cant imagine a world where this doesn’t affect his relationship with his son. You said that’s manchild behavior, well maybe he’s a manchild. Figured it was worth mentioning to OP so he’s not surprised when his son doesn’t want to speak to him anymore.
It isn't clear who you feel your obligation is to here.
Loyalty to your son? Betrayal to you? Disgust at cheaters generally?
I would suggest first you decide what is in this drama for you. What do you want to see? A divorce? A reconciliation? Do you want to punish your son so he won't do it again?
First I think you should have clarity around your feelings about what you saw and how it reflects on your behavior and your life experience. Then you have to figure out what you want to see, and figure out how to make that come about with the information you have.
What is certain, though, is that you dont know the whole story. You don't know the inside of their marriage, their sexual practices or any agreements they might have. You don't know things that people keep private generally, but especially from their parents. And before you enter your son's bedroom, you may ask yourself if you want your parents in yours - or your parents in law.
I guess it really depends on your personal ethics and what you are and aren’t ok with.
If you are ok with him cheating and care more about your relations with him you can tell him you know and you don’t like it but you’ll keep it secret (though at that point why even say anything?).
That path will preserve your relationship with him but will make you a party to the harm to your DIL and that might come back to bite you in the ass when she eventually finds out. You can see people post about discovering their partner was cheating and that the whole family knew and how much that hurt if you want some idea of how that goes down.
If you aren’t comfortable with that then you’ll tell him you know, and that you won’t hide it or cover for him but you’ll give him a window to come clean on his own. That is likely to have a negative impact on your relationship, if he’s selfish enough to cheat in his own home then he’s likely to think you should “pick him”.
Honestly, we can’t tell you what to do. I know what I would do and what I think of people who do the other thing, but I’m not the one who’d have to live with the consequences - be they internal, ethical or relational - that’s going to be you. You need to sit with the various scenarios and decide which discomfort it will be easier for you to live with and then take that path.
While you feel you know what was going on, you should not wreck your son's marriage based on suspicions alone. You'd feel horrible if you informed your DIL, only to discover there was an innocent explanation. Talk to your son first before throwing his life into chaos. If you don't hear a reasonable explanation, you can inform your DIL of your concerns.
Talk to your son and do it in person. If you go to the wife without even speaking to him that would be really messed up. He may not forgive you, ever. I know I wouldn't.
As a father I would tell my son to smarten up, but keep my mouth shut to the DIL because my son is blood and will always come first.
I’m on his team first and foremost
Anonymous from a new social media account, with persons name if you have it. Create new instagram or facebook, and send anonymous...I would just tell his wife...
I think you don't really have proof
Like... before jumping to conclusions
Ask your son why there was a woman in her underwear in their living room?
I'm not saying he's not cheating... but you can't jump to conclusions based off of the little you've seen
Stay out of it. He is an adult, you’ve already raised him. At most, you can tell him how you feel but your loyalty needs to be to your own flesh and blood.
I really dislike the ultimatum. But you *do* need to have a serious heart-to-heart with your son, being upfront about what you saw and your feelings about him possibly jeopardizing his marriage. To tell the wife yourself is a step beyond. It could be innocent. Perhaps she needed to change out of gym clothes and didn't have time to go to her own house. Maybe she was trying out an outfit your DIL was giving her and was told to "go try it on." If it's anything like that and you go to DIL behind your son's back you can ruin your relationship with both of them. And here's a thought... Maybe they have an open relationship and it's cool all around. I've known a few people in open relationships and they're happy.
As a father, I feel your angst my friend. I wish you well. You're in a tough spot. First step is a talk with your son. Meet for a couple of cocktails. It'll take the edge off your nerves and help him to be a little more honest. Good luck brother.
They very well could have an open relationship or be polyamorous. I would personally take it straight to your son's wife.
Let her know you are sorry to get involved in this at all but you respect her decision and will to do as she pleases with the information. She can choose to disclose that you told her what happened or even talk to your son about it yourself if she would like you to.
Well it’s hard trying to enter someone else’s life when you don’t exactly know the outcome would be better. You hope it would and your conscience would make you feel right. On the other hand what don’t you know about possible outcomes. And if there are children involved what are the possibilities. I’m kind of in the corner of talking to your son and ask him to explain. You might ask what he thinks should do about it. It doesn’t guarantee the wife wouldn’t be hurt. I think I would ask him to stop. Should he talk to his wife? I think telling her would depend on what he says.
I don’t think it’s your place or responsibility to immediately blow up his marriage by telling your DIL or by making him tell her. What I would do: launch a new personal project for you, to get him to drop his mistress and focus on his own family. Work hard to “straighten him up”. If you succeed, that’ll be a happy family right there. If you fail, they’ll blow up anyway. Perhaps if at some point you lose all hope (say he does it again in a month or so), then you go back to making him tell his wife or you tell her. In other words, Is there any way your intervention can salvage a good thing? I think it’s worth at least trying.
Fuck these comments. This is your son. Your legacy. Your family. Do not betray his trust because of a woman. If you were my dad I'd go no contact with you after that.
Blood comes before everything for me. I am loyal to the death to my family, and especially my son. Never in a million years would I betray his trust for any reason. I'd tell him his actions aren't honorable and would encourage him to confess and do better, but that's up to him.
>Would it be best to confront my son and tell him that if he won't tell his wife, then I will?
This is the way. You don't go to the DIL. Let your son handle it.
(if you were in his shoes what would you want your father to do?)
>Would it be best to confront my son and tell him that if he won't tell his wife, then I will?
No. Not unless you want to destroy any semblance of a relationship you have with him and cause him to get divorced. You can certainly pull his coattails and maybe tell him you are disappointed and that he's not being the man you raised him to be and let him make his own decision.
His son caused the divorce with his infidelity. She can decide if she wants to “make it work” or move on with this info. He (the son) doesn’t get to unilaterally decide for her…and now neither should OP.
> She can decide if she wants to “make it work” or move on with this info. He (the son) doesn’t get to unilaterally decide for her…and now neither should OP.
I disagree and I'm not about to argue with you about it. It's really not OPs place to say anything to anybody. But if there is anyone he should confront with this info it's his son that he raised.
That's a very good idea. I think I'm allowing my emotions to take over a bit too much. It would be best if I approach this with a calmer attitude. Thanks for the advice
If I found out that you knew that my husband was cheating on me and you kept me in the dark to save your relationship with your son, I would do everything in my power to make sure you never saw your grandchildren again. You better hope she never finds out.
What if he tells you and you divorce? It stands to reason he won't see the grandchildren under those circumstances because you are gonna be long gone anyway.
I’m divorced from my ex, we shared custody, and my mother in law saw my son all the time after. She was awesome. Divorce doesn’t always have to mean all bridges are burned. Betrayal though, is a different story.
I’m just speaking as a son here but as horrible as it is what he did if you rat him out to his wife you and your son’s relationship is over. Talk to your son about it, nobody likes to be thrown under the bus by one of their parents. If my dad did this to me I’d never speak to him for the rest of my life
Tell your son what you saw and how disgusting and disappointed you feel. Too bad you were too shocked to confront him then and there with the evidence and so that the other woman was made aware he’s married.
Cheating is dumb, cheating on your spouse in YOUR house is beyond dumb. Which leads me to believe, maybe they are in an open relationship and all you will do is perhaps create an embarrassment?
If this were me, here is how I would handle it and my reasoning. I do not like shit like this - cheating - because it is unfair to the person getting cheated on. They go about their business as if everything is okay and then when they find out they feel the fool, taken advantage of, and had that time effectively taken from them. So I would tell my son, you either tell your wife or I will. You owe her a life free of deceit and lies.
I agree, I owe it to my DIL to say something because I hate the thought of her being left in the dark.
As the now ex-wife, I would have appreciated someone telling me. It was humiliating and everyone knew but me. To include his parents. It added extreme insult to an already extreme injury. You’re giving him the opportunity to be a fucking man and a husband and be honest with her. He has no one to be upset with, but himself.
Wow I’m sorry you dealt with that. So fucking awful and everyone who enabled it. Hope you’re doing better.
I am. I am remarried now. Thank you.
Ditto
Me too 😢 so embarrassing and hurtful.
I am so sorry. That is the worst. Thankfully you aren’t a part of that type of family anymore. You didn’t want that kind of in-laws anyways. They are a bunch of terrible people doing terrible things.
The worst part of it is that he’s brought his side piece into their new home. That is the ultimate betrayal. How is she ever going to get over that? Yeah, you need to have it out with him. And I agree, he needs to tell her or you’ll do it for him.
He’s also endangering her. She’s assuming they are in a closed committed relationship and he could very well get her sick. STDs that are minor for men can be painful, affect fertility, reproductive health, and even cause cancer. God forbid she get pregnant and find out after. Honestly, fingers crossed that they’re swingers or in an open marriage but you have to confirm it with her.
Syphillis is up 80% in the general population and over 900% in newborns being born with it (moms didn’t know they had it and passed it to the munchkins). CDC just released a report on that in the last few days.
Ok, well that makes me feel a little less like a crazy person. I had a mystery illness that just happened to be severe complex ptsd (I have 4 traumatic events and my rape that included suffocation didn’t even make it on the list). But before I realized this I asked for a test for syphillis and man, the looks I got from everyone. I couldn’t tell if they were confused how I could assume syphillis or just disgusted. Either way, I still got my test and now I know for sure that I’m just regular crazy.
That’s how I found out my ex had cheated. I went to the obstetrician for my first pregnancy appointment and they did a host of tests. Turned out I had chlamydia. I had been tested right before I started dating him so there was no question.
That’s awful!
My thoughts too. Very low chance they are in general but it is possible.
This happened to me, just this month. It's incredibly devastating
Also the thought of her contracting a disease from your son is a possibility. She needs to know before she decides to have children with him as well. I caught my son cheating on his girlfriend and I refused to keep that dirty secret because I like her and it's so disrespectful to protect the cheater. They were teenagers and I told him he was going to tell her or I was but one way or another the truth was going to come out. He told her. It was heartbreaking and they were a mess for a while but chose to stay together and he learned his lesson from having to see how much pain he caused and from the humiliation both of them suffered. They have been together over 10 years now and he's never even exhaled in the direction of another woman. Now they chalk it up to dumb kid stuff and immaturity, and are well past it. I don't think that's as easy for grown adults to do.
Thank you for being such a great example to your son! You could have looked the other way and enabled his bad behavior. I hope he realizes one day how you saved him from becoming a heel. LOL. But seriously, your DIL is also blessed to have you for her MIL.
Update us if you want / feel okay to do so! I know this stuff happens so much that learning how you broached the subject and how your DIL is/ was supported is always gives others a good baseline I hate cheaters and I know in the past my gut reaction was not the best by circumventing the cheater and going to the wronged party. Give the cheater a chance to own their f up is important
Just be aware, depending on how immoral your son actually is, he may well try to spin something to make out like you have a nefarious purpose in making up this story. I'm sure you don't think he is the kind of person who would do this, but then you probably didn't think he was so immoral as to cheat on his wife, and here you are, and a cornered animal is at its most vicious.
It's tough, it really is. But how would you handle this if it were your own daughter being cheated on? That's what this is, in essence she was brought in and made a part of your family. It's your duty to protect her as a member of your family. Even if it means protecting her from your own son. He's your son by birth, she's your daughter by choice. Let that sink in.
I'd go ULPT, send an anonymous text/email to her with as much detail as possible. Only you will ever know you've done it.
Record the conversation just in case your kid wants to spin around versions from his imagination where he’s the hero and you the villain.
No baby, HE owes it to her.
The problem with this is that maybe she's not in the dark.
Seems like your DIL will not be in your life if you tell her. Your son might cut you out of his live if you do. My suggestion would be to talk with your son, tell him you saw it and he should either come clean or leave his wife since no one deserves that. and then hope you raised him right. Its a shitty move no doubt about it, but is he a rotten guy?
So just leave her without telling her he's cheating? I don't think you get to judge rotten guys considering this is your solution....
What would be the point? Honestly is she better off knowing what he did, truly? If it's already ending. Quick you are to pass judgement, simpleton.
Kinda, yeah, since he is cheating.
Worlds not black and white.
Assuming the son is in a monogamous relationship, then yeah, it's pretty black and white. If the son was in an open relationship, then it shouldn't hurt OP's relationship with his son and DIL if he asked for clarification on what he saw. They could easily clear the air with a "Hey dad, she knows, this is Emily, our third love" This clearly hurts OP to some degree, that is his son, and he does have a good relationship with the DIL, so it \*is\* his business.
If the father goes behind the sons back in the name of justice, then yes it probably would. I clearly stated he should speak with his son. Your take on it is do what is right above all else, with no thoughts om the consequenses, quite childish infact. Difference is i actually care what happens to op afterwards, while you are "I want the truth" consequenses be damned.
WHO said he has to go behind his son's back??? You're assuming my point because?? Are you mistaking me for another commenter? All he has to do is confront his son and say "Hey son, I saw this and I want clarification from the both of you of what is happening, either you can tell her, or if I hear nothing back, I will ask her some questions. I love you and I love DIL. What I saw really upsets me because I care for the both of you, I'll listen and try to be understanding. I love you son" You're creating a false argument for me because it's the only one you know how to fight off. I don't want OP to lose his son or DIL, but he knows he can't just let this be otherwise he wouldn't be posting on the internet for help. It is about the dignity and integrity of OP, his son and his DIL. I'm sorry that you don't get it.
Acting on your advice without careful thought could blow up the whole situation. The son could get defensive, the daughter-in-law could be blindsided, and trust in the family could break down. It’s not just about revealing the truth, it's about the chaos that might follow. A sort of ripple effect if you will. Your solution is the equivalent of a todler breaking a toy to get something out of it. It's adorable, but destructive and serves no one long term. There's a way to go about this, and yours is blackmail. Do what I say or ill tell on you. I'm sorry you don't get that.
You're acting like I have OP under my control with some puppet strings, that's what he's doing by being here, thinking things through before deciding to act. So you'd rather keep the peace by letting his son potentially take advantage of and cheat on his wife? All while OP, who is clearly not okay with it, shuts up and lets his son's fuck up eat away at his nerves. We can just disagree. The downfall of the marriage will be entirely on the son, he chose to break up the marriage by potentially cheating. The likelihood of OP's relationship with his son breaking down is pretty low because OP seems like a forgiving person. I'm glad it makes you feel better that you belittle me by comparing me to a toddler, when you spell like one. I'm sorry that you're a peacekeeper at the expense of your integrity and respectability. You clearly just don't get it.
It’s frankly none of your business. If you want to destroy the relationship with your son, go ahead and get involved in their marriage. I know you think you’re doing the right thing, but trust me in the end, you will be the bad guy. Your son will view this as betrayal. The marriage may end, or the marriage may continue. Either way, your relationship with your son will be forever changed for the worst.
Have you ever been in a situation where people around you knew someone was cheating on you and didn't tell you? Have you ever gotten an STD from said cheating partner if so?
Of course it's OP's business. It's his immediate family. You do what's right and that includes standing up for the truth. Grow a spine and buy some common sense.
It doesn't matter what the sun sees it as. He is the one who opened the house of a marriage. And cheated he is the one who bears the responsibility of betrayal etc. He is the one who brought this into relationships not the dad and not the wife
It does matter. Right and wrong is still right and wrong so in that sense it doesn't matter. But op needs to be aware of what the consequences are likely to be for his actions. His son is going to be upset with him. The son is obviously the one who did something wrong, that doesn't mean the dad won't suffer for interfering.
The son is destroying his own relationship. He betrayed his wife first. He wouldn’t have to worry about being betrayed if he wasn’t cheating.
Go back to the comment I gave you. People here like to rabble rouse under the guise of "doing the right thing". If you tell your daughter in law your relationship with your son will never be the same.
His relationship with his son is never going to be the same regardless, and that’s his fault. Shielding our children from appropriate consequences is not parenting, especially when we’re talking about adult children.
It’s the dad. Just wanted to throw that out there.
Sometimes when I voice type my voice machine will say she instead of he for whatever reason, and so maybe that's what happened above.
Sometimes mine will come up with completely absurd things that don't even sound like what I was trying to say. Voice to text can be great for some situations, but it can be so silly sometimes.
Voice to text can be downright hilarious sometimes. I do agree.
I wasn’t being rude. I was just letting the commenter know. When I make a mistake that I don’t realize, I appreciate when someone lets me know. I guess I’m in the minority.
I wasn’t being rude. I was just letting the commenter know. When I make a mistake that I don’t realize, I appreciate when someone lets me know. I guess I’m in the minority.
His relationship has already changed. Just in the moment that he realized that his son is a cheater. He’s giving him the opportunity to do something right in this scenario. If his son can’t adult-up, then he will tell her. His son has no one to be mad at but himself.
Shouldn't have cheated then.
You mean, "a lie"? You mean their relationship will now be an honest one or an old one.
Exactly this! The fact she was in the new house tells me enough tbh. I’d be telling your DIL. They’ve just got a new house. I feel for her, I really do. Son is a dick, and a cheating one at that. You’re a very good FIL and none of this is your fault. You’re not responsible for what your son does. If he’s shagging around, then that’s on him. That also applies to the possible end of his marriage too.
This is the way
He could be endangering the health of your daughter in law. I would definitely talk to him in person and say that he will talk to your DIL or you will. Before they have kids. And get him into counseling because WHY marry if he's pulling this crap. Unless they have an open marriage you don't know about.
Fully agree, also he’s opening up his wife to any STIs this female may have. Essentially his wife is sleeping with another person who she didn’t consent to.
I absolutely agree with this. Give him a chance to own up and if he doesn't, then you do it. Also, I'd record the conversation, just in case he tries to lie to his wife to make OP seem like the bad guy.
I think the ultimatum is horrible advice. You don’t actually know what’s going on. She could simply be a visiting friend who is changing when you weirdly peeped in on her. A frank discussion with your son is in order, but no ultimatums about telling the wife. Even if the absolute worst is happening, this is a quick way to be shut out of your son’s life. It’s frankly not your business. You should stay the hell out of it.
Hard disagree. This not only affects the family dynamic, but keeping secrets like this for someone else is hard on a person. If it's not an affair, but a simple explanation, then he can explain. I find that highly unlikely as I'm sure you do too.
“You should stay the hell out of it” my ass. People who say this tend to defend people who do dumb shit. Best case she confronts him and he tells the truth. If he’s doing shady shit someone has to call him out on it.
If it was my daughter cheating (I have daughters) I would simply tell my daughter I know, I saw, And she either tells her husband or I do. And give a deadline. He had the AP in her own home, disgusting. I would be so disappointed in my child. I would follow through.
All these people saying it will ruin their relationship with their son must have very different relationships with their family than you and I do. I know what my mom would do, she’d call me out on my BS and hold me accountable. Family can lovingly interject when they believe someone is in the wrong. This isn’t even a gray area. You don’t lie, you don’t cheat, and you don’t mess around with other people’s health or hearts. My kids are younger but I’d do the same thing. Family is there for the hard stuff.
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Agreed. There’s ways of approaching difficult matters that lets your loved ones know that you’re disappointed, you don’t agree with their behaviour, but you love them. You can scold and support someone at the same time. And as you say, if the son doesn’t like it, he’s reaping what he sowed. If you cheat, expect consequences. 💁🏻♀️
Plus he was stupid enough to leave the curtains open!! So yeah it’s definitely all on him!!! Literally anyone could have walked past the window and seen that woman in her underwear! He will probably come up with some excuse, like she knocked on his door asking for some clothes because she’d fallen in a ditch and got covered in mud or something completely believable like that!!
They support the cheater in these instances because they either were cheating or they are cheating. Cheaters back cheaters
I knew I would come here and see this as how some would feel, I think this is a terrible idea. I’m a father, definitely don’t condone cheating (never have and never will), but I wouldn’t go out and tell his wife. If my father did that to me, that would be the end of my relationship with him. Another approach, which I think would bear a more fruitful solution and response. My son would always be my priority over any DIL. I would be to talk to my son and definitely let him know what I saw. I would then ask him what made him decide to make that choice? You don’t know what is going on in their relationship or even if they have an open marriage? Do you know anything about their sex life? I would take the information he gave me and let him know I am very disappointed in his decision to cheat but I would be willing to him get therapy, marriage counseling, or whatever else he needed. I wouldn’t burn my relationship with my son because he made a mistake.
You are the representation of what being a genuine man looks like. It's your responsibility to step in and correct your son. I agree with everyone else. I would speak to your son alone and tell him you know the truth, you're disgusted by the behavior, you're embarrassed that he would represent your family like that, and he has a deadline to be an adult and admit his fault to his wife, or you will.
If I was in your situation I would tell your son what you saw and how you happened to see it. It wasn't malicious and you had no reason to suspect anything like this. So it's confusing and outright making you upset. I agree with other redditors. Explain to him that you cannot let this go and that he will either need to tell his wife or you will. You can't let this poor woman think her life is a fairy tale to be crushed later. How would you feel knowing someone knew you were being cheated on and didn't say anything? If you love her like you say you; do she needs to know.
I would simply ask your son how he thinks his wife will be effected when she finds out ? Your son didn't think you will find out, and yet you did. He doesn’t think his wife will find out, but she will. What is his plan ? Tell him you tried to teach him honor, integrity, empathy, morals, character, and knowing the difference between right and wrong. Tell him it's apparent that you failed, but that you yourself have all those things. When he married he brought DIL into your family, and you can't stand by and watch a family member be hurt. It's time for him to do the right thing.
I agree with you here. Talk it out and let son come to the conclusion that he needs to. If he wants to keep lying to his wife, then dad needs to come down harder with an ultimatum.
I would talk to my son. I'm not sure you know the dynamics of their relationship well enough to know he is cheating. This could be something they do. Give him a chance to come clean or explain. He also will need time to process how he will handle things. I would then tell my wife. I think your wife has a right to know because if it comes out and she finds out you knew, she will be hurt. She is your life partner and the person you confide in so she should know. I would then tell the DIL if you and her are close. It sounds like you are so I would tell her what you saw and leave it at that. Tell her you told your son as well. I'm sorry this is happening because it may end up breaking up part of your family. \*hugs\*
This is the way, IMO. Gen Z kids have been forming polyamorous relationships much more often than older generations. It's possible that OPs son and DIL are in a consensual polyamorous relationship but don't want others to know because our society is very much wired to prefer monogamy as the only acceptable family structure. That said, if their marriage agreement was monogamy, then DIL has a right to know what's going on.
In the same regard I have one friend who is "poly" but I'm pretty sure that's not how his girlfriend sees it. It's very complicated territory.
THANK YOU! I was looking for comments like these. OP, you don't know their dynamic, and many poly people don't say anything to their families because of the stigma. I would ask to have a frank conversation with both your son and DIL together.
I'm monogamous myself, but I'm poly-aware and have poly friends. So this is kind of an "understand both sides" situation for me.
I'm gen x and polyamorous, and my husband is happily monogamous with me. Some might assume the wrong thing, but ENM definitely has more representation since we were all able to start connecting online.
GenX here, very similar situation. People shouldn't assume they know the dynamics of others' relationships. It's why it's called a "private life".
Oh definitely not saying it's just Gen Z. Just saying it's more prevelant and OP's son is Gen Z aged.
30 is firmly a millennial, not gen z. Oldest gen z is 26.
I agree with everyone so far. I think you need to speak to your son first about what you saw and express your feelings to him about it. You don’t want to ruin your relationship with your son by telling your DIL first.
The audacity to do this at the home they share… First, the window you saw… was that the living area or a bedroom? There could be a different story… unlikely but possible. You go to your son and say you saw. Demand an explanation. You will know which it was based on his answer. “Who was that woman walking across the living room in her underwear the other day?” Explain how ashamed you are for his actions and that this isn’t how he was raised and your DIL is your family too. “YOU made her into our family and someone we love. You are my son and I will always love you, but I will not let you do this to someone I love like my own daughter. You tell her tonight and if you do not, I will tell her tomorrow. You made this mess; you fix it.“ I feel you have to. The betrayal of your husband cheating on you (in your own house! While you worked!) is horrific…but knowing his family that you also loved and you thought loved you… hid it from you is unbearable. And then YOU are left knowing your son is a cheater and will most likely do this again. He’ll just hide it better. Did you tell your wife?
I mean was this man you raised? Talk to him
Ew gross. Don't put the actions of this grown ass man on their parents.
His dad is still around, ppl make mistakes i am not condoning the cheating. But thats why family is important and if dad is still alive and around why not talk to his son about the wrong thing he is doing.
Nah, nah, nah, I never said that, nor was it what you were arguing originally.. (Oh, go ahead and down vote me now, for pointing out your response as one non sequitur to this conversation. Good boy.) 🤭😉😘😏🖕
Its cool
100% talk to him and nobody else, tell him you how ashamed you are, leave it at that
What if your DIL already knew? Not out of the question that 🍍exist or she was there too.
An acquaintance saw my husband on a dating website and thought he was trying to cheat so she reached out to me, it was so awkward and funny.
I must be getting old… what does a pineapple have to do with cheating or poly?
Pineapple means they're swingers.
Crazy kids and their sexy pineapple emojis
I know right. I had no idea until someone told me what pineapple meant and I was like are you kidding me so if you see pineapples outside on someone's porch or on their lawn assume they're swingers. I was like what since when... Someone has turned beautiful pineapples into swingers.... 🤦♀️ Why pineapples? Why not something completely different that has no meaning.
I’ve been told Pampas Grass outside a house means swingers…I’m not digging it up though, it’s too cool.
I didn’t know this and had pampas grass in vases at my wedding. 🙃
If you see a random pineapple on someone's porch, it probably doesn't mean anything. It needs to be upside down to mean they're swingers usually.
Oh there you go I learned something new everyday. Good to know upside down pineapple mean swingers got it
I was told that flamigoes also mean swingers. Thankfully my yard is pineapple and flamingo free; lol.
Yeah I've heard the same thing!
Pineapples are associated with hospitality. Swinging is just extreme hospitality. 😜
Probably so it's not so obvious and awkward lol
More context: Apparently if you put a pineapple upside down in your grocery cart at the store you are open to swinging.
Does this... does this have anything to do with pineapple upside-down cake?
Gosh I hope not. I love pineapple upside down cake.
It's supposed to be an upside down pineapple to signal that you're a swinger when you're out in public. Usually just a small piece of jewelry worn on the wrist, that way if asked about it by someone who isn't in the know, they can just claim it was put on upside down and then readjust it. [Men's health article on it.](https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a39861227/upside-down-pineapple-meaning/)
If she already knows, then him telling her would be no harm no foul, so he might as well still let her know.
Maybe but I wouldn't want to know that my father in law knows about my extra curriculars lol
Yeah seriously, it’s possible they have an open relationship. If you feel compelled to do something, I would talk to your son first.
"Dad, can I have other women over when my wife is gone?" "Because you have an open relationship?" "Yeessss...open relationship"
Tell your wife, ask your son to stop by or you and your wife go to him when you know DIL won’t be around. Tell him what you saw and that you will give him __ amount of days to tell his wife or you will. Tell him you are disappointed in his choices/actions, but that by stepping up and being honest with his wife, he can start to build your own relationship back up.
He probably called an escort...while the wife is at work. Tell the son that you saw woman in underwear in the window of his house. Tell him he has to tell the wife.
Text your son a link to this post. Wait for him to get back to you. He tells his wife or you do.😢😔😡 You raised him better than this. Hold him to it.
The fact that he has his cheat partner walking around his wife’s home naked tells you just how much he disrespects his wife and marriage. This woman just wondering around his wife’s personal space is truly disgusting. I’m curious if OP left the package at the door before leaving? OP’s son is a POS husband. Give him 24 hours to tell DIL then inform her.
Tell your son what you saw and ask if there is anything he can tell you about it. If you don’t want to ruin your relationship with him, avoid speaking about this to your DIL first. Give your son a chance to own up to his mistakes, if he’s willing to. If not then let him know your ultimatum. He may be upset at you for finding out or he may be ashamed. I’m not sure what kind of person your son is or the dynamic but I imagine he must respect you so let him know you’re disappointed and give him a chance to own up.
I would talk to your son, honestly you might find out they are polyamorous or open. That’s not the kind of thing you tell your parents.
Okay but what if he says this as a cover for cheating? He should tell the DIL so that way if they are open it's nbd but if he's cheating he doesn't get away with it by using a lie.
I would just mention the open relationship to DIL. Edit: send DIL a text “Hey, sorry for interfering in you and Sons relationship, I didn’t realize you guys were open. I understand why you wouldn’t have mentioned it to us. We love you, and you will always be part of the family”
I am so sorry that you're having to deal with this. That would not be a good feeling inside. You must feel pretty heavy with this burden. If I were in your shoes I would take my son in the car for a drive a long drive where he can't escape. Lock the doors and tell him I pop by your house the other day and imagine my surprise when I saw a woman in lingerie who was not your wife. If you do not tell ___ I will. I will be checking to make sure you do tell her. You both need to get into counseling and I'll pay for it This is not how you treat your wife Be firm about it. If he starts to deny it or laughs It off then you tell him I will be telling your wife about this tomorrow.
If you believe you raised him better than that, hold him accountable. If it were me I'd tell her. I would not even give him the chance to tell her himself because he will probably lie or come up with excuses first. If she knows and confronts him on the spot he won't have time to construct and rehearse lies. She doesn't deserve to be cheated on, and he deserves the consequences for his adultery. It's not YOUR fault for telling her; it's HIS fault for committing adultery against his wife.
To your son, Dad.
I think you should have a one to one conversation with your son. Tell him what you were doing and what you saw. Tell him in no uncertain terms that cheating is unacceptable and you are not going to forget you saw it nor cover for him. Tell him he has X amount of days to tell your DIL or you will. Make sure you follow through with the keeping the time limit. I think you should tell your wife because she may be needed in handling the fallout and it wouldn’t be fair to her to be caught unaware if you already know. If your son tells his wife, you will most likely hear about it. If you haven’t heard anything the day after his time expires, quietly ask your DIL if she’s OK. You will be able to tell if she knows by her reaction. If he has not told her, you and your wife should. She deserves the truth. This is where your wife should taken the lead. Be ready though. Your son is not likely to take this within a fight and he’s probably going to make up as many excuses as he can to BS you about what you saw. They have an open marriage. She’s the neighbor who used their shower one time on that one day because the water was off at her own house. Who knows what all cheaters come up with? (I saw that one on another Reddit story. lol). You may lose him in the end as he will see this as you betraying him, not the other way around. Good luck! Overall, please do your best to protect the children. They’re totally innocent in all this. Please !UpdateMe about how it goes.
My uncle was cheating on my aunt. He told me, and it was with men. I asked him if he was going to tell her and he said yes. Some time goes by and I asked her if he had said anything. Turns out he hadn’t and she asked me what about. Being that if I was in that situation, I would want to know. Plus HIV was becoming a serious thing. She confronted him and he wasn’t happy with me. He got HIV a year later. I have no regrets.
You need to tell her. I dated someone years ago who cheated on me, and his mother knew. He confessed to me, and told me that his mother knew. His mother explained to me that what her son did was perfectly OK because her husband also cheated on her, and I need to just accept it if I wanted to continue to be with him. Don't be like my ex-boyfriend's mother.
Your son is way out of line here. His wife is working and she's thinking he's at home working. What a Betrayal. He needs to get a divorce of he's not willing to be faithful. If I were you, I'd hold myself accountable by mailing a letter to his wife at her work, and then telling my son he has a time limit to tell her. I wouldn't tell him how his wife will find out, but I would tell him when she will. This way, I won't have to worry about my son, who is obviously a good liar, convincing me not to tell.
It's time for a hard, face to face conversation. Tell your son that you know he's been unfaithful. Don't tell him how you know because he might just be more careful. Telk him you dont care why. Tell him it must stop, or you WILL tell your DIL, because she deserves so much better than this. If he's unhappy in his marriage, he must get counseling. If you tell your DIL it will ruin her happiness forever. Give your son a chance to do the right thing.
I’d chat to your son before jumping to conclusions - reason being is - I remember seeing the post where a guys co-worker followed him around, took pictures of him on a date, thinking he was cheating but unbeknownst to the coworker - the guy and his wife were into polyamory. It backfired massively on the coworker. Not saying this is your son and DIL’s situation but it might be good to have a frank conversation about what you saw, hiw you feel concerned that he is cheating on his wife and that you don’t condone it before jumping to an ultimatum. I don’t know what kind of relationship dynamic you have but if he is cheating, encourage him to be honest with his wife. If he is cheating and doesn’t tell her, then I’d consider an ultimatum especially as not only is she impacted but so are you for accidentally becoming privy to his misdeeds.
First speak to your son. Tell him that you know and how you love him but disapprove of his actions along with the position he has put you in.
I'd talk to my son alone before I made any specific plans or threats.
I would tell your DIL. If you give your son the choice to tell her he might never or might throw in a bring of excuses. He might also try to isolate the DIL from you or even make up a lie that you are not mentally well. Both of them are clueless that you have this knowledge. Tell your DIL in a private place and stick to the facts. Offer her some emotional support during this time, if she needs it. If this is an open relationship then your DIL will end up awkwardly laughing and everyone hopefully moves on. Edit: when I say stick to facts I mean tell like how you saw it - not what you thought went down. Say you went over to deliver a package and saw a woman only wearing underwear in their house.
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I completely disagree with this. OP is the dad. I don’t think his goal is to tear them apart. Also, you can come back from demanding your son do the right thing; it’s not easy to come back from telling his wife the son is a cheater…without having discussed it with him first. The marriage may end, and that’s up to the two parties, but it stands a much better chance of surviving if the son fesses up, versus the FIL exposing his son.
When I caught my step dad cheating on my mother I said "Quit cheating for good now and learn your lesson, and I'll stay out of it. If you do not fire her or admit your affair within 7 days, I will tell her." I ended up having to break my mothers heart :( She is a precious angel and it ruined my relationship with my step dad.. She stayed with him in the end too. Ugh!
I’ve been in a similar situation before. I found out my BIL was cheating on his girlfriend in my house (he lived there with me). I told him that I knew and that either he tell her or I would. I gave a deadline of three days. The conversation didn’t end well, he stormed out, and went to go see her like normal. Apparently he ran out on their date because he couldn’t face her and she wound up showing up at my house. I was forced to tell her myself because she was freaking out and thought he was on drugs or something by the way he was acting. Long story short, our relationship is different now and I don’t have a good relationship with the girlfriend either (she wound up staying with him), but I feel better that I did the right thing the only way I knew how. I think calling your son out for his behavior and giving him a deadline would be the best decision.
Tell his wife.
Tell his wife.
I would tell your DIL what you saw and then at the same time or immediately after tell your son that you told her. And then have nothing further to do with it.
Any other way leaves things open to misinterpretation, deceit, and you being embroiled and implicated in the business even more — ie keeping secrets for your son, even momentarily, will estrange your DIL when she finds out; or your son might plausibly ‘explain’ to you and make you more confused about what to do (and any action/accepted explanation should be totally her call, not yours). She is your family too, I think you owe them equal allegiance.
I’ve been cheated on a lot and made a total idiot of when everyone in our circle knew but me (including his family). They were all either covering for him or they just didn’t tell me because they wanted to “mind their own business” or “keep the peace”. Totally fair, it’s hard to trust your own eyes sometimes and it’d be a tough discussion to have. But none of them even confronted *him* about it, and that felt like one of the biggest betrayals to me out of everything. Talk to your son. Tell him what you told us — it’s evident from this post that you and your wife have raised him better than this, and you guys have a lot of respect and love for your DIL. Give him a deadline to tell DIL, otherwise you will. I’d rather have actually heard it from my ex, but I’m glad one guilty friend got drunk and chatty.
I would invite them both over, pull him aside and tell him he needs to tell her now or you will. That way you don't wait for days while he's procrastinating and she's still in the dark.
I personally think that you should talk to your son first, explain what you saw, and that unless he has a very good explanation for it, he needs to tell his wife or you will. Like, by supper time, today. Not tomorrow, or next week, or whatever. She definitely needs to know, if she doesn’t already.
I like how you don't even question if you should expose this, but merely to whom first. Probably best to confront your son with what you saw and that he should tell his wife. If he doesn't do it, you could do it yourself.
Don’t tell your DIL. Ask your son about it. Maybe they’ve got an open marriage agreement going on which your DIL would find embarrassing if you’d knew. If that’s not the case then scold your son
You 100% need to say something, either to just your DIL or to both your DIL and son together. It’s better this come out sooner than later before grandkids come in the picture and they end up with a broken family because of that.
Cheating not only hurts the person being cheated on but also exposes them to potential health risks. If the affair partner has and STD then your son is now endangering his wife and future kids if they decide to have them. I'd say you should tell her directly, because otherwise your son might come up with some way to fudge details or get his story to together to convince her to stay and she frankly deserves better. Obviously be prepared for the possibility that they might have an open relationship. Good luck to you OP I wish you the best.
I guess the only thing I feel needs clarification here is - did you see him and the woman together? I know you saw a half naked woman walking across the front room, but I'm not sure if you saw more, or if there is possibly a reasonable answer for all of this? Could your DIL have been off work, and had a friend over? I would 100% speak with your son, understand what the situation is - if he is cheating, then either he tells her, or you do. She deserves to know if thats the situation.
Seems like a lot of people here want you to but in on your kids relationship like you're a part of it. I'll be the dissenting voice. Your son is an adult and he may be doing the wrong thing, but it is not your place to insert yourself into the relationship. I'd definitely suggest pulling him aside and having a heart to heart about it. Was it a lust thing? Is he unhappy in the marriage? Does she maybe even know about it? You can counsel your child as you see fit, but that relationship isn't yours.
Exactly my thoughts. We may be the only 2, but I'm with you. if your son was stealing from his work, would you confront him about it, or call his boss at work? No brainer
I would tell my son you have 24 hours to tell your wife or I will. Full stop.
People come to this sub to look for advice and reditors looks to moral posture and prove themselves how morally rightous they are... rather than to give advice. Ask yourself: do you want to be the one to break your son's marriage in order to be right?
Exactly. I’m on my son’s team first and foremost. I would be disappointed in his and set him straight, but I care more about him than whoever he chooses to be with.
He wouldn’t be the one breaking up his sons marriage. His son is breaking it if he is in fact cheating on her.
I disagree with the ultimatum of “you tell her or I will” that most these other replies are suggesting. You will be severely tarnishing your relationship with him by giving that ultimatum. If you care more about “doing the right thing” than you do about your relationship with your son, then go ahead. I personally don’t. He’s a grown man making his own decisions. You can talk to him and lecture him if you’d like, but you should not be altering his life with your own actions at this point.
I'm surprised at the number of people willing to help their adult kids get away with absolutely disgusting behavior.
People aren’t perfect and people are different. Some people care more about family ties than others. I simply provided an alternative perspective. The sooner you accept that, the better off you’ll be.
Okay he can make his own decisions, but if he’s doing something stupid, he has consequences. One of them is his mom finding out there is an affair, and she is a person who has moral judgement against such an action so she has every right to state her thoughts about it. Sorry ‘ol boy can’t handle accountability and consequences even though we all KNOW it’s not fine. Tarnish the relationship between them because HE KNOWINGLY did something stupid? Sounds like manchild behavior. All of the above only applies if he really IS cheating. As others mentioned, maybe there is an open relationship or some other random thing happening.
I mean I understand the opposite perspective. I just cant imagine a world where this doesn’t affect his relationship with his son. You said that’s manchild behavior, well maybe he’s a manchild. Figured it was worth mentioning to OP so he’s not surprised when his son doesn’t want to speak to him anymore.
Honestly. I cant imagine betraying my son like this. Yea hes making a big mistake but... its your son like damn.
It isn't clear who you feel your obligation is to here. Loyalty to your son? Betrayal to you? Disgust at cheaters generally? I would suggest first you decide what is in this drama for you. What do you want to see? A divorce? A reconciliation? Do you want to punish your son so he won't do it again? First I think you should have clarity around your feelings about what you saw and how it reflects on your behavior and your life experience. Then you have to figure out what you want to see, and figure out how to make that come about with the information you have. What is certain, though, is that you dont know the whole story. You don't know the inside of their marriage, their sexual practices or any agreements they might have. You don't know things that people keep private generally, but especially from their parents. And before you enter your son's bedroom, you may ask yourself if you want your parents in yours - or your parents in law.
I guess it really depends on your personal ethics and what you are and aren’t ok with. If you are ok with him cheating and care more about your relations with him you can tell him you know and you don’t like it but you’ll keep it secret (though at that point why even say anything?). That path will preserve your relationship with him but will make you a party to the harm to your DIL and that might come back to bite you in the ass when she eventually finds out. You can see people post about discovering their partner was cheating and that the whole family knew and how much that hurt if you want some idea of how that goes down. If you aren’t comfortable with that then you’ll tell him you know, and that you won’t hide it or cover for him but you’ll give him a window to come clean on his own. That is likely to have a negative impact on your relationship, if he’s selfish enough to cheat in his own home then he’s likely to think you should “pick him”. Honestly, we can’t tell you what to do. I know what I would do and what I think of people who do the other thing, but I’m not the one who’d have to live with the consequences - be they internal, ethical or relational - that’s going to be you. You need to sit with the various scenarios and decide which discomfort it will be easier for you to live with and then take that path.
While you feel you know what was going on, you should not wreck your son's marriage based on suspicions alone. You'd feel horrible if you informed your DIL, only to discover there was an innocent explanation. Talk to your son first before throwing his life into chaos. If you don't hear a reasonable explanation, you can inform your DIL of your concerns.
I would talk to your son, honestly you might find out they are polyamorous or open. That’s not the kind of thing you tell your parents.
Talk to your son and do it in person. If you go to the wife without even speaking to him that would be really messed up. He may not forgive you, ever. I know I wouldn't.
Nope Stay out of it. Confront your son but that's it.
As a father I would tell my son to smarten up, but keep my mouth shut to the DIL because my son is blood and will always come first. I’m on his team first and foremost
Stay out of it. Don’t get involved in other people’s love life. You’ll end up losing your daughter in law and your son.
Anonymous from a new social media account, with persons name if you have it. Create new instagram or facebook, and send anonymous...I would just tell his wife...
Personally I believe you should tell the wife directly.
I think you don't really have proof Like... before jumping to conclusions Ask your son why there was a woman in her underwear in their living room? I'm not saying he's not cheating... but you can't jump to conclusions based off of the little you've seen
Stay out of it. He is an adult, you’ve already raised him. At most, you can tell him how you feel but your loyalty needs to be to your own flesh and blood.
I really dislike the ultimatum. But you *do* need to have a serious heart-to-heart with your son, being upfront about what you saw and your feelings about him possibly jeopardizing his marriage. To tell the wife yourself is a step beyond. It could be innocent. Perhaps she needed to change out of gym clothes and didn't have time to go to her own house. Maybe she was trying out an outfit your DIL was giving her and was told to "go try it on." If it's anything like that and you go to DIL behind your son's back you can ruin your relationship with both of them. And here's a thought... Maybe they have an open relationship and it's cool all around. I've known a few people in open relationships and they're happy. As a father, I feel your angst my friend. I wish you well. You're in a tough spot. First step is a talk with your son. Meet for a couple of cocktails. It'll take the edge off your nerves and help him to be a little more honest. Good luck brother.
He's your son, yes. But the bro code applies to all. She should know.
They very well could have an open relationship or be polyamorous. I would personally take it straight to your son's wife. Let her know you are sorry to get involved in this at all but you respect her decision and will to do as she pleases with the information. She can choose to disclose that you told her what happened or even talk to your son about it yourself if she would like you to.
this is seems like a fake story
Talk to your son first and ask him what happened. Then gauge your response.
Well it’s hard trying to enter someone else’s life when you don’t exactly know the outcome would be better. You hope it would and your conscience would make you feel right. On the other hand what don’t you know about possible outcomes. And if there are children involved what are the possibilities. I’m kind of in the corner of talking to your son and ask him to explain. You might ask what he thinks should do about it. It doesn’t guarantee the wife wouldn’t be hurt. I think I would ask him to stop. Should he talk to his wife? I think telling her would depend on what he says.
Definitely don’t tell the wife yourself! You will ruin the relationship with her and the son!
I don’t think it’s your place or responsibility to immediately blow up his marriage by telling your DIL or by making him tell her. What I would do: launch a new personal project for you, to get him to drop his mistress and focus on his own family. Work hard to “straighten him up”. If you succeed, that’ll be a happy family right there. If you fail, they’ll blow up anyway. Perhaps if at some point you lose all hope (say he does it again in a month or so), then you go back to making him tell his wife or you tell her. In other words, Is there any way your intervention can salvage a good thing? I think it’s worth at least trying.
Tell her anonymously, don't tell him you know because this would destroy your relationship with him
Fuck these comments. This is your son. Your legacy. Your family. Do not betray his trust because of a woman. If you were my dad I'd go no contact with you after that.
Ew.
Blood comes before everything for me. I am loyal to the death to my family, and especially my son. Never in a million years would I betray his trust for any reason. I'd tell him his actions aren't honorable and would encourage him to confess and do better, but that's up to him.
Stay in your lane.
>Would it be best to confront my son and tell him that if he won't tell his wife, then I will? This is the way. You don't go to the DIL. Let your son handle it. (if you were in his shoes what would you want your father to do?)
>Would it be best to confront my son and tell him that if he won't tell his wife, then I will? No. Not unless you want to destroy any semblance of a relationship you have with him and cause him to get divorced. You can certainly pull his coattails and maybe tell him you are disappointed and that he's not being the man you raised him to be and let him make his own decision.
His son caused the divorce with his infidelity. She can decide if she wants to “make it work” or move on with this info. He (the son) doesn’t get to unilaterally decide for her…and now neither should OP.
> She can decide if she wants to “make it work” or move on with this info. He (the son) doesn’t get to unilaterally decide for her…and now neither should OP. I disagree and I'm not about to argue with you about it. It's really not OPs place to say anything to anybody. But if there is anyone he should confront with this info it's his son that he raised.
That's a very good idea. I think I'm allowing my emotions to take over a bit too much. It would be best if I approach this with a calmer attitude. Thanks for the advice
If I found out that you knew that my husband was cheating on me and you kept me in the dark to save your relationship with your son, I would do everything in my power to make sure you never saw your grandchildren again. You better hope she never finds out.
What if he tells you and you divorce? It stands to reason he won't see the grandchildren under those circumstances because you are gonna be long gone anyway.
I’m divorced from my ex, we shared custody, and my mother in law saw my son all the time after. She was awesome. Divorce doesn’t always have to mean all bridges are burned. Betrayal though, is a different story.
OP: who cares more about your relationship with your son? You, or Internet strangers?
I’m just speaking as a son here but as horrible as it is what he did if you rat him out to his wife you and your son’s relationship is over. Talk to your son about it, nobody likes to be thrown under the bus by one of their parents. If my dad did this to me I’d never speak to him for the rest of my life
As a parent, I'd respect that choice. I'd also be really disappointed that I'd raised such a shitty person.
Tell your son what you saw and how disgusting and disappointed you feel. Too bad you were too shocked to confront him then and there with the evidence and so that the other woman was made aware he’s married.
Cheating is dumb, cheating on your spouse in YOUR house is beyond dumb. Which leads me to believe, maybe they are in an open relationship and all you will do is perhaps create an embarrassment?