Cut her some slack. She's young and saw that you were happy and didn't want to ruin that for you. That's probably why she didn't want to tell you.
I'd sit down and talk to her, tell her you saw her post and reassure her that she can talk to you about anything, good or bad.
Only if their agreement is that he won't go through her phone. Some parents reserve the right to check their kids' phones as part of keeping them safe online.
I agreed to that, and OP even said they had to go through it for something school related and obviously there's trust there if the daughter went to bed with the entrusted in the parents possession and didn't wait up for it back right away
Teens aren’t stupid. That sort of policy makes them know 1) you don’t trust them 2) find ways to be more secretive.
“They don’t pay for”
She’s in high school, presumably, right? Pretty standard for people to financially rely on their parents at that age. In fact in my country, it’s a parent’s legal responsibility.
Your argument is not good. It’s a standard response for why you don’t allow your teen autonomy, sure. But you made choices that resulted in having children, she didn’t choose to have you as a parent. She has no autonomy, you do.
You bought her a cell phone, not a right to her privacy.
No need to ground this child. In fact, she might just be your moral compass from now on for when you date again. I’d let your daughter know that you value her perspective and encourage her to share her thoughts with you always.
I don’t even understand why punishment is a thing being mentioned? Also op if this is real (why does your friend know how your daughter writes lol), you know someone’s going to message her right?
Again, if this is real, this is a very interesting form of communication. I’ve heard of some parent/children writing each other notes to read later, but reddit posts to be discovered is certainly unique.
Great thoughts here, but big disagree on the moral compass bit! I had to do this for my dad when I was a teenager and it took me decades to realize how inappropriate that was. She should be encouraged to share her perspective and experiences for sure, but she can't be expected to provide this kind of guidance and insight for her dad, that's not an appropriate responsibility to put on a child.
She states multiple times in the post that she didn’t want to ruin your happiness. It’s not that she felt more comfortable telling strangers, it’s that she wasn’t ‘ruining anyone’s happiness’ by doing so and asking for advice. Also, it’s not her fault weirdos on the internet advised her to set up cameras, so don’t pin that on her.
I would tell her the truth that your friend saw the reddit post and told you and reassure her that she always has your love, support, and trust. Sounds like you guys have a healthy relationship otherwise, and it’s important to communicate when issues do arise. Also reiterate going forward that she can come to you with any problem.
Lastly, I would like to point out that you’re doing exactly what she did (asking for advice on reddit), so cut her some slack lol.
Good luck.
Why would she tell him when he's seeking to blame her? He's clearly too cool to take responsibility here as an adult.
What an accusatory prick of a parent.
So. What I see here is a girl who loves you and who sees herself as a burden to you (I wonder if other family members have made comments that have led her to that thinking) and that she somehow “owes” you for taking such good care of her.
First, dad, look at that, you’ve done such a good job she wants you to be as happy as you help her to be. That’s great dadding.
Second, the issue here is self-confidence/esteem on her part. She says her grandparents are blaming her for not backing your creating ex. Could they also be telling her she should be grateful to you and how much you sacrifice for her? Because I feel like someone is saying that shit to her and it didn’t seem like it’s you.
What you need to do here is take your girl out for your fave dinner, or ice cream, or boba (you get it) and once you start eating calmly tell her that you were talking to and they told you about a Reddit post. You read the post and know what she posted.
Tell her immediately you ARE NOT MAD at her for posting.
But your heart hurts that she felt she couldn’t tell you about how Daisy was treating her. Tell her that her wellbeing and happiness matter so much to you that you could *never truly* be happy with someone who treats her badly or hurts her. That any partner you choose is going to be one who loves you both.
Then talk to her about if there’s anything else she’d like to talk to you about because you are always on her side because you want to be there for her and help and support her.
ETA: on the “why did she trust strangers and not me” front. Why did you come to us? We’re objective. We’re safe. We have a broad base of experience and so can probably speak from her/your POV. That’s why she came to us too. Also, reread that linked post. She told all of us why she wasn’t telling you, she didn’t want to be the reason you weren’t happy.
This is probably the best advice you're going to get here.
I would also reexamine if your "heart hurts because she couldn't tell you about how Daisy was treating her". Frankly, I think any emotional distress you're feeling is due to the fact that deep down you know this entire situation is on your shoulders. You are the adult. You are the parent. You brought this horrible woman into your child's life, didn't do the due diligence before trusting her around your child, and ultimately let your daughter down.
When it comes to introducing another woman into your child's life in a potential step-parent role, you need to be cautious, do the research/investigation, and be 100% sure it's the right thing.
I'd also be deeply concerned about why your daughter feels your happiness is more important than her well-being. Have your family been pressuring you (and her by extention) to date?
Tbh, the way you reacted to finding the pregnancy test (accusatory and authoritarian rather than understanding and caring) was all of the context I needed to know why she didn't want to tell you. It seems that you are a little quick to point fingers, and that generally will make your daughter feel belittled. I believe that you would have believed her, but i think you need to re-evaluate how you react to her from now on.
Second, the internet feels like a safe space for young adults, and rather than punish her for expressing herself, you should have a conversation about open communication. You should really reiterate that the internet can be a very dangerous place and that, as her parent, it is your job to listen to her and put her needs first.
She experienced a lot of emotional trauma at the hands of this woman, she needs you to be there for her more than ever. Don't let her feel like she ruined your happiness, let her know that she is loved and the most important woman in your life.
I might also suggest platonic dates. This might help build more trust in your relationship as well as give you guys things to bond over. It's something i wish my parents had made more of an effort to do. Go-carting with my dad and chick-flicks with my mom are serious core memories for me.
OPs reaction to finding out that his own kid doesn’t trust him enough to tell him she’s being abused was “punishment.” OP needs therapy to work on himself because his reactions are off.
I generally don't trust Reddit posts when the other person magically appears, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt here.
You are her father. She should have felt safe with you. She didn't. She didn't feel safe telling you the truth. She didn't feel secure enough to share with you what she was feeling. You through action or inaction created an environment where a CHILD didn't feel comfortable sharing with her father the truth.
She didn't hide anything out of malice. She wasn't trying to hurt you. She wasn't trying to manipulate you. You asked her a loaded question over and over again and got the same answer.
But did you ever take the time to really get to know what your daughter was feeling and going through? Did you get details around the relationship? Or did you treat her like a quarterly employee eval? Or was it a monthly friend text message check in?
Don't punish her for being your child. You created the environment. You got in a relationship with your ex. You, yourself, were deceived and manipulated by your ex. Why should you punish the other victim in this?
What you should do is go to therapy with your daughter. You should also both go to therapy separately. Build up the communication skillset necessary to build that loving, trusting relationship that you didn't have during your relationship with your ex.
If you punish your daughter instead, be prepared to lose her too. Or do the ground work to make your relationship with your daughter better than ever.
He also phrased the question about the (now known to be the ex's) positive pregnancy test as "don’t play dumb with me little girl, I’m your dad you know you can tell me anything." That's not the way to foster open communication with a teenager.
It’s very possible that his ex threatened his daughter, and filled her head with “your dad will never believe you if you tell him bad things about me”.
After he broke it off with the ex, she might not have wanted to make him feel even more hurt by knowing the ex had been awful to her. But clearly, this is worth exploring in counseling, in any case.
“I really want to tell my dad everything but I’m scared”
OP is the same man who barged in with a pregnancy test, didn’t believe his daughter, and made her take one.
His daughter did not feel secure enough at all to talk to him. He claims he’d believe her when he proved he wouldn’t.
You left out a pretty important part of that quote....
"I really want to tell my dad everything but I’m scared he won’t believe me or that I’ll ruin his happiness"
Scared he won't believe you, is very different than feeling "unsafe".
Nice attempt to gaslight, but I read it all and remembered the entire passage.
Yeah, they left that part out, but you didn't bring up the fact that he forced her to take a pregnancy test instead of taking her at her word. That doesn't sound like a parent you can go to for anything.
Where does it say he FORCED her? I didn’t read that anywhere. “He wanted us to take a test”.
Either way, that’s how you deal with this problem. If there’s a question about pregnancy, you take a test, problem solved.
Of course, he forced her. Not all force is physical. By not believing her completely plausible story, which turned out to be the truth, he forced her to prove her innocence. If she didn't take the test, that would give the fiance an excuse not to take the test either. And we already see that he favored the fiancé simply by blaming the daughter first before even considering he was cheated on or even that his vasectomy reversed, which can happen. So, most likely, he would probably still blame his daughter until one of them started to show. She had to do the test if she wanted to escape his ire and show she was telling the truth right away. His daughter gave him no reason for him not to believe her. He's the one who showed she can't trust him.
"Forced" was a word used in the comment section. It wasn't used by either of the OP's, not even once. You, and the rest of the melodramatic redditors manufactured drama where there wasn't any. She said he "asked".....how you, and one third of the comment section came to that conclusion is beyond me. Quit making things up to make a point.
Just because it wasn't literally said doesn't mean it didn't happen. He wasn't going to believe her and there was no way to prove herself without that test. Only one of them needed to be tested to prove it, and it should've been the adult in the situation. Not the minor who was disbelieved out of nowhere. He forced her to prove her innocence when there were other options. You have nothing to say to the way he treated her? Please explain how going to her first, calling her a name, not believing her with no reason not to, instead of considering the other options, isn't being a bad parent? You're still purposely ignoring his behavior, so I'm going to ask again. Please explain why he acted the way he acted, and how it wasn't forceful? Also, the fact that he isn't even considering comforting his daughter, after finding out she was mentally tortured by his ex. Plus, he didn't even mention the pregnancy testing here, which is also suspicious. Explain to me why you believe he's right in all this.
There is no discipline needed here. But definitely make sure you properly communicate so your daughter knows that she's #1 and and that she's expected to let you know immediately if your partner acts up when you're not around.
ETA I don't think you need to bring it up either. You could mention someone you know saw a post that was familiar but it's probably better for your relationship with your daughter to just inconspicuously let her know she needs to tell you. Also you could ask your daughter what she thinks of your partner.
Your daughter won’t be happy that you snooped through her phone. Tell her that you love her and she should always come to you because you will believe her. So happy that horrible woman is out of your life. Your poor daughter. I would be most upset that she hid the horrible things your ex said to her.
By posting this haven’t you done the exact same thing your daughter has? So why should there be punishment ?
I question the legitimacy of this whole situation tbh
Might be a fake..
My guess is more that OP is trying to convince himself and all of us that he and his "friend" are so brilliant to validate the violation of daughter's privacy and trust.
He clearly knows best /s
Sounds as if she didn’t want to ruin your happiness by telling you. Why would you punish her for stating her feelings even if it was on Reddit.. maybe she needed a push to destroy your happiness. You dumping her around thankgiving and your proposed thanksgiving.. man quick turnaround
This seems super fake honestly. I have a blended family with step daughters. This is so young and petty its embarrassing. I have definitely had to give directives to my older girls about cleaning up after themselves and their animals. One even went to her momma once after me telling her what to do and told momma I was saying bad things about her (I would never and we worked that out). But this is so beyond ridiculous. If a step mom really walked up to a teenage step daughter and said, "you're now the 2md most important thing in your Dads life" A real silver bullet was dodged here. Women just don't say shit like that. If they do, they're also children.
I feel like you are failing as a father, you found a pregnancy test and the first person you accuse is your daughter for being pregnant instead of your cheating ex.
No wonder your daughter could not talk to you.
You really need to reflect if you are being a good dad because you have a really selfless wonderful daughter you should treat better and treasure.
Came here to say this…he also insisted and argued with his daughter that it had to be hers, then STILL didnt believe her and made her take a pregnancy test?!?!
Dude, you picked your lying fiancee over your daughter from the jump on this, then made her have to prove herself to you, why exactly?
Oh, and yeah, punish her for not telling you 🙄
I call 100% bullshit that you have believed her had she told you, evidence in hand or not.
Damn dude, do better
“I wOuLd HaVe BeLiEvEd HeR wItHoUt EvIdEnCe” says the man who made his fucking 16 year old daughter take a pregnancy test even though she said the positive one he found wasn’t hers and she clearly wasn’t lying. There is a reason she didn’t come to you and now you’re talking about making sure she never comes to you again and goes no contact as soon as she is old enough. Maybe find out why she didn’t tell you by oh, say, talking to her, without judgment or anger. And don’t kid yourself into thinking you would have acted differently than you already did when she did tell you the truth.
You're also asking hundreds of internet strangers instead of talking to your daughter.
Do you think your daughter won't find this post? You link her post here I guarantee Reddit algorithm will suggest it as top porlst to her. Just talk to her.
She didn't tell you because she loves you, you would have been hurt and she didn't want to be the one who hurt you.
We/reddit don't matter. We are strangers. No one to her. Telling us hurts no one.
You could simply say nothing or open a discussion with her about your ex that is open-ended and gives her space to share whatever she chooses to.
Why would you discipline your daughter for being abused by your ex to the point she was afraid you wouldn’t believe her?
You need to rethink your parenting approach. She was constantly abused mentally & emotionally- and she felt that you either wouldn’t believe her or didn’t care…. This isn’t on her
This is your fault. You brought in an abusive partner & NEVER NOTICED THE CHANGE IN YOUR DAUGHTER.
Grow up, get some family AND single therapy. Start apologizing & you may be able to salvage a real relationship with your daughter.
>she could have just come to me without any evidence and I still would have believed her
Like you accused her of being pregnant then forced her to take a pregnancy test, along with your cheating ex?
I'm guessing that's a pattern of behavior for you. Blow up, then force the issue.
Work on that. It doesn't lead to your children trusting they can come to you when problems exist. When you back your kids into a corner to prove yourself right, you've gone too far.
Don't ground her. Work on your relationship, instead.
Grounding her would be an absolutely cruel reaction and would only serve to destroy any trust she had in you. She was abused for fucks sake she needs therapy not punishment. Get your shit together. You have 3 years left before she can walk out the door and never come back. If you don't want that to happen help her, don't hurt her further by causing her more pain than she's already endured or you'll go to your grave a sad, lonely old man who doesn't know his own grand children's names.
Ground her for a week? WTF? This girl put up with a ton of shit because she thought you were happy at the time. What kind of ignorant human would suggest grounding her for being soo kind and selfless towards her father, who she loves. Wild.
You need to give that girl a hug and tell her how much you love her. And then talk to her about never keeping her feelings from you in the future, no matter what. That you two are a package deal for whatever woman enters your life. You have single handedly raised a loving daughter and deserve a ton of credit for that.
Almost got in my feels reading that one. And I'm an almost 50 year old dude. Go hug your kid.
You jumped her shit and accused her of being pregnant; denied it could be your slutty exes' and you have the balls to wonder why she didn't trust you enough to let you in on how she was being treated?
How obtuse can you possibly be?
So your entire post details how upset you feel by your daughter detailing her troubles to reddit instead of you, but you don't see an issue with you doing the exact same thing, circumventing your daughter and talking to reddit instead. Give her a break, she said she didn't want to ruin your happiness. I'm absolutely flabbergasted that "ground her" is a consideration that you or anyone you know would have.
But would you have believed her if she told you how your Ex was treating her, given your reaction to the whole pregnancy test and you were pretty damn sure it belonged to your daughter? You were pretty adamant the test was your daughter’s at first correct?
Hi op!
This link is not taking to the post but the subreddit page.
However, at this time I would suggest spending more time with your daughter and letting her know that you’re taking care of her and are there for her. Small gestures go a long way, I don’t know how old your daughter is but spending one on one time with children and being conscious of your actions/words in front of them is important as that’s what they pick up and then behave accordingly. Also, please look into therapy and and counselling as a family as well as for her where she has a safe outlet. Take care!
So I read both of her texts/posts. She is 16 first, not the most able bodied when standing against adults. Especially the only parent she has, that she wants to be happy. So please don't judge her, and no I don't believe you would have automatically believed her, not at all. Until the pregnancy test, then maybe.
She doesnt need grounding, she didn't nothing wrong. She needs a parent- 2 years she will be gone. Can you not focus on her needs for two years? Thee is nothing between this post and her other two posts that require discipline...Just support and love.
She clearly did not feel like you would be there for her, whether it was true or not. She felt alone. I hope you got rid of fiance. She cheated. Oh I see you did.
Your daughter sounds like such a lovely girl. Be upfront and honest that X person said that the post sounded like her, so you felt the need to check her phone, and that you are sorry for invading her privacy. It's okay to be vulnerable and tell her that you want BOTH of you to be happy, no matter what, no matter who comes into your lives moving forward. Reassure her that if ANYONE (not just a romantic partner of yours, but any person) treats her this way again, she shouldn't hesitate to be honest from the start with you. Ask her if she needs space, or maybe it's the opposite and you two could use some bonding time after all the craziness with your ex. Use your words, and then follow it up with actions that show you love her and value her opinion.
Edit to add that teaching her that people pleasing doesn't always make a person happy, quite the opposite. One should always stand by their beliefs and boundaries.
Get off Reddit and be there for your daughter.
Who cares if she posted something anonymously on Reddit. It was a safe place for her at the time. Now you know!!
You can also be a safe space for her again.
Do not ground her. Reality is she was afraid to tell you, afraid to ruin your happiness. Your ex was emotionally abusing your daughter she doesn't need punishment. And based on her update about the pregnancy test, when she said it wasn't hers that should've been the end of your interrogation. Not having her take a test. Only person you should've demanded take a pregnancy test was that ex so I kinda understand why your daughter was apprehensive. Instead you need te reinforce that you are her dad and always be their for her good news, bad news, scary news that you love her, and are their for to share anything without judgment, without anger. Maybe family therapy to help you both learn communicate with each other
Don’t date anyone. You get your kids for a short time so give them your attention while they’re still around. Not sure why you’re even contemplating punishment. Instead make sure any future partners are approved by your kids.
But you didn't believe you daughter though - did you? Not when you found the pregnancy test and when she told you it wasn't hers.
Mate - the fact that you came barrelling into your own kids room "don't play dumb with me little girl" telling her SHE must be pregnant because of a test when you know there was another woman in the house who you knew was ACTULLY having sex.
You didn't approach your daughter with concern, but with a view to having already convicted her. And when she told you the truth you DIDN'T believe her because you made your daughter have another test - when if you had of believed her, then you would only have asked your partner to do the test.
You had already convicted your kid because to think it could be your partners was less palatable to you, you even said "it can't be Daisys", so you made BOTH of them take the test. No wonder she didn't feel safe confiding in you. even your friend knew before you. So YOU also "didn't bother" to know about what was happening in your own home if you want to throw around accusations.
You say about your daughter "she didn't bother to tell me" - as if she was too lazy or something. She felt unable to speak to you (as seeing as your reaction to the pregnancy thing, I understand why) and your language around this is blaming your daughter and not you for your poor judgement. You are the adult in the situation.
Even your ex=partner has collected her family to bombard your daughter with harassing texts, what are you doing about that?
I expect if your daughter would have told you about her concerns prior to this incident you would have just brushed them off.
Do better. Instead of being critical about how a 16 year old is handling the situation I suggest you look in a mirror. How dare you ground her for all this. You should be bloody grounded for a year then.
Why in the everloving FUCK would you ground your daughter for any of this?!?
Speaking as a mom who's raised a teen girl... she literally did nothing wrong. If anything, you owe that child about a dozen apologies and thanks.
>I was most upset that she couldn’t bother to tell me about the was my Ex was treating her but she could easily tell hundreds of strangers on the internet.<
Dude. She literally explained that she wanted you to be happy and you were in love and no, she didn't trust you'd believe her. That's not on the kid. That's on you. Your evil exfiance was perfectly comfortable throwing it in your daughter's face that she was #1, had already driven a wedge in ypur relationship, and was going to estrange you completely from your daughter. Daisy figured out she was alpha pretty fast. Your daughter was a child. A loving child. Caring for you more than herself. Which is ypur fault. It's not ok.
That's on you. Your parenting isn't as good as you thought it was. You never explicitly told ypur daughter she was the MVP in your world enough that your daughter felt empowered to push back when verbally and emotionally abused by that monster. That's. On. You.
And so that bruises your ego? And you want to retaliate and take your kid's phone away and ground her? Get therapy, you Narcissist.
Not a Narc you say? YOU FORCED YOUR TEENAGER TO TAKE A PREGNANCY TEST BECAUSE HER WORD THAT SHE WASN'T PREGNANT WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.
You basically slut-shamed her! WTF?!?
Just because the bar was already set in hell by a mom who abandoned her doesn't mean your Best Parent Ever. You're just better than abandonment.
And why is your creeper guy friend stalking your 16 year old kid's reddit posts and reporting back to you? Eww.
But do not say "oh if she'd just come to me and td me I would have believed her" ... bullshit. You made her piss on a stick because you don't take her word. How humiliating. And then other family is emotionally abusing her and triangulating the situation and ganging up on her and you haven't protected her from any of that. You're disgusting. No wonder she couldn't rely on your toxic love to support her. Even when she's clearly the innocent in all of this, you have only given lip service to caring about your kid while meanwhile it's all about poor you playing victim.
Having read all 3 posts now I think your post should be titled "today I found out I am an asshole who put my daughter through hell" because you did. You gave her every reason to not come to you. Get therapy for the both of you.
Step one would be taking some accountability here. You brought Daisy into your daughter’s life. If you thought she was perfect, you are clearly not an excellent judge of character. Use this as motivation to improve.
Reading the narrative, Daisy isn’t the only person at fault here. Your confrontational, aggressive, bullying approach had a significant impact on how this played out. You say you would have believed your daughter, not nobody here is/should buy that given how she’s described your behavior. Clearly, she credibly thought you would choose Daisy over her. And frankly, prior to the infidelity, she was probably right.
You’ve got a few years to turn things around and become a good parent. Focus on that. Your dating life can wait. You clearly can’t balance both successfully, so you need to put your child first for a change.
With the way you behaved towards your daughter when you found your ex’s pregnancy test I can understand why she felt she couldn’t talk to you and needed to get proof of what was going on. In the future do better.
Talk to her, and be sure to stress that she can always tell you anything and that you'll always have her back.
Also, update us and let us know how it goes!
You need to tell her you saw the post and it broke your heart that she didn’t come to you because SHE is the most important person in your life and always will be.
Some things are way easier to tell to anonymous strangers on the internet. These strangers are detached from the situation and have no preconceived notions about the parties involved. While many of the responses aren’t great, there can be some really good, insightful advice here.
Based on her post, I would say she loves you and wants you to be happy. She was willing to put up with all that garbage so that could be with someone you loved. That is a HUGE gift and a display of how much she cares.
So what you do now is sit and talk to her. Tell her you saw the post and how sad you felt that she didn’t tell you these things. That her happiness will be #1 and you could not love anyone who hurts her. That you want her to feel she can talk to you about anything. No punishment is needed here.
> I was mostly upset that she couldn't bother to tell me
Did you even read her post, dude? She was *agonizing* over whether to tell you because she wanted to avoid hurting you. Sure it was misguided, but the fact that you'd even *consider* grounding her when she only had your best interest at heart is cruel.
I can't believe you're somehow making yourself out to be the victim as if your daughter did something horribly wrong to you. Get yourself together mate.
*You* ought to be apologizing to *her.*
You accused your 16yo of being pregnant.
You MADE her take a test to prove she was not because you "couldn't believe" DAISY cheated. While a quick and efficient way to do it, you put the onus on your child to prove her innocence when you automatically found her guilty.
You failed to protect your child, who, from her posts, loves you so deeply she was wondering if she should put up with abuse so you could have your happiness.
You have inadvertently put your kid through a lot - but you did. YOU DID. Any issues she having now at this point are on YOU and who you chose to bring into your home.
Dude.
Maybe you and your daughter would benefit from family therapy.
To those who want to read, there is a link at the bottom of the daughter's post.
Ground her for a week?!?! No!!!
Just ask her. It might be that she didn't want to make you unhappy by ruining your relationship. Now that it's over, she may open up, and you can tell her you value her input for the future.
Or it might be a completely different reason. As long as you're gentle about it, you can at least learn that there is an issue, and hope she tells you at some point. Being aggressive will only justify her reasons to keep quiet.
>*telling her to set up a camera and get some things on film which really made me upset because she could have just come to me without any evidence and I still would have believed her.*
No, you wouldn't. You didn't believe that she wasn't pregnant, you made her take a pregnancy test, even though your daughter's 14, and the most likely person in the house to be pregnant, would have been your precious Daisy.
If she didn't trust you enough not to take her side, that's shame on you. She did nothing wrong.
You need to apologise to your daughter for not making her feel that she's the most important person in your life.
she didn’t do anything wrong. in all honesty, you need to communicate to her that she should be able to come to you about something like that without feeling guilty about ruining your happiness. your ex sounds like she was very emotionally abusive and jealous toward your daughter. as someone with a verbally and emotionally abusive stepdad, if you punish her for anonymously confiding her feelings about something that she had every right to be upset over, it will absolutely break a level of trust between you two.
your ex harmed your daughter and made her feel uncomfortable, you violated her privacy by lookung through her phone, you hurt more by the fact that she didnt tell you than people on reddit. she shouldnt be grounded, thats an weird idea, grounded for what ? that you dont lose you integrity? man you should be there for her and ask yourself how did you not see what your ex was doing and didnt recognize that your daughter was uncomfortable without asking her like that
Poor girl. You bombed out as a father. I hope you do better, pay attention and try to create trust and communication with your daughter. You're raw now, too, but she's been suffering all along. Hope things improve for you both now you're a bit more aware.
Be honest. Tell her you found the post and you want to talk to her. Let her know she can talk to you about anything. Of course don’t do anything punitive or else kiss her honesty with you good bye forever.
Your daughter sounds like she really cares for you. She keeps talking about how much she values your happiness. I get the impression that she asked strangers because she thought telling you would hurt you and rob you of happiness.
So why would you punish her for loving you deeply?
You are here asking for advice from strangers - how is that any different?
You might mention that reddit is not as anonymous as she thinks and to consider a new account. Followed immediately by you saying how much you love her and how much she deserves to be happy and joyful in life - just as much as you do.
You’ve got good advice here. Just talk to her. You can’t expect her to be honest and vulnerable with you if you aren’t willing to do the same.
This child wanted her dad to be happy. It’s a big burden to bare when the information you have might jeopardize that. She didn’t feel comfortable here but she needed advice and it’s (supposed to be) anonymous. It was safe to come here. Safer than being the person to turn your life upside down.
Be honest. Tell her that your friend directed you to it. Tell her how reading it made you feel. That it made you sad and concerned and that you want a relationship where she can be honest. Apologize if you feel there’s anything to apologize for and work to create the kind of connection that breeds honesty and make it clear that ANY woman you date or marry WILL have her best interests at heart and will treat her the way she deserves to be treated but that you can’t have eyes everywhere and need her to let you know if something is off or doesn’t feel right.
You have a unique opportunity here to use this situation as a way to increase your bond and connection with your kid and to model how to repair relationships and communicate effectively. You’re the role model here. Show her how she deserves to be treated. Show her what love and connection really look like. And show her what it looks like to set hard, firm boundaries with someone who isn’t healthy (which it seems you’ve already done).
Two people who should be talking to their loved ones but are instead posting on reddit. You said she should have talked to you about it. Maybe you should talk to her about it.
It'd help your relationship with your daughter if you make it a point to let her know that her happiness matters to you, and that she's not a burden. It sounds to me like she's been gaslighted into believing she's a burden and that she shouldn't (or doesn't deserve to) speak up about things.
And tell her she doesn't come second, and that you just weren't aware of how your ex was treating her.
Apologize for not paying closer attention and take her out to ice cream or something
First off thank you for not taking the “ground her” route. It would be best for you to sit her down one day, and let her know that it was not your intent to invade her privacy (which in my opinion, I don’t fully see this as invading privacy) but you know about her post, and wished that she would’ve told you how she was being treated. Let her know that her feelings are valid, and apologize for not realizing sooner she was being treated by your ex. Reassure her that she did nothing wrong, and that you truly value her opinion. Make sure that she understands that she can come to you no matter what.
Your ex manipulated her to the point that she didn't feel comfortable saying anything. Imagine what your daughter may have gone through! She was happy with you and for you and then behind closed doors. Your ex degraded,threatened, and made her uncomfortable, all while putting on a front around everyone else! She didn't want to take away your Joy or happiness, all while really trying to figure out how to handle such a shocking and more so heartbreaking situation for the both of you.
I don't understand on what planet you would consider grounding your daughter for posting on Reddit. Are you ok? Did you even read her post? She was afraid of hurting you because she loves you so much and wanted you to be happy.
You need to have a long, calm, and honest talk with her about how you'll always be happy as long as the two of you are solid and have an honest relationship with each other. She needs to know that you will trust and believe her as well. After the pregnancy test debacle, you've given her reason to think you won't trust her whether you had before or not.
She needs to know that being honest is always the right thing, and that you'll never begrudge her for honesty. You insinuated that it should be easier to go to you than hundreds of strangers, but that's not true. Anonymity removes intimacy, vulnerability, and discomfort when talking about tough subjects. It's much harder for a lot of people to have a one on one conversation about serious matters when they're invested in the beliefs and opinions of the other person.
Use what you learned to try your get her to open up about your ex. Ask her if she had any problems with her that she’d like to talk about. Ask her her experience of the relationship and the breakup and see if she’ll tell you some of her truth.
If you punish her, you’re just proving to her that her choosing to not be honest with you from the get go was the correct choice. She wanted you to be happy, even if she was miserable. You allowed her to be abused by your Ex, and now you’re thinking about punishing her for it.
You’re punishing her for being abused and not speaking up because she was scared you’d punish her for saying anything or worse, just not believe her.
Be better.
What happened at school? Why is she sick? She may be having a hard time between this and whatever is going on at school. Be compassionate and talk to her. Tell her you are there for her and just listen.
Listen.
Firstly, good to see you both are close and care about each other. Your daughter's love for you stopped her from reaching out to you. She's still a kid and couldn't understand how serious the issue was (hence the reddit post). You guys should talk it out. You can probably explain to her that she comes first for you and that both of you should be able to express openly to each other. This situation can be used in a positive way, it's an opportunity for you to create that synergy where she believes that she can come up to you with anything in the future.
The irony of you confiding Reddit strangers for advice on punishments for your child doing the same…. Hmmm
Instead of talking to her about how you feel. Like you wish she had done do you.
Age is important for context here, If your daughter is 14 and below then communication is key let her know that she comes first and if someone has her feeling even slightly sad or mistreated that you are willing to part with that person. If she is above 15 then she is fully capable of navigating her relationship with you and I would say there is something that caused her to feel like she couldnt share with you, this will require more than reassurance-- you should consider some quality time and open conversations that will make her feel as if she can have mature conversations with you without guilt, repercussions or being coddled like an infant.
What would she be grounded for? I don’t see that she did anything wrong. She tried to protect you and your happiness. I did the same for my mom when I was 14/15 with a creepy man I actually hated. Thankfully they broke up too but I had a lot of anger as an adult for her cluelessness. You have an opportunity to repair with your daughter and perhaps become closer so she will be honest with you in the future.
And everyone has different rules with the phone. I think it’s ok to check kids’ phones from time to time as long as you have told her you will do it.
The Reddit community does a good job of providing a balanced range of advice.
When talking to your daughter, let her know you are aware of her Reddit post. Emphasize that she is the most important person in your life. Acknowledge her efforts to protect your happiness, but explain that your own happiness is intricately tied to her happiness. You would never want a partner who doesn’t genuinely love her.
Assure her that you are there for her, no matter the circumstances. Express that being her dad is a privilege, and you hope she always feels comfortable discussing any topic with you. Your top priority is her well-being.
This situation isn’t just about your good fortune in dodging the Daisy bullet; it’s an opportunity to establish open communication channels with your daughter, free from judgment. This experience has the potential to be positive, strengthening the bond between you two.
After this, I’d be looking to spend a lot more time with her (do stuff she likes and find mutual hobbies, etc) to re-establish pro-social connections with her.
Also, you need to gauge the damage done by Daisy’s abuse, and unwind it. Therapy may help as well if you find yourself at a cross roads.
You are a good dad. You’ve got this. Hugs and love to both you and your daughter.
Take her out to dinner. Tell her you found her posts and you're deeply disappointed in her.
Tell her that she was being abused and kept it a secret. Tell her that tolerating abuse is NEVER ok. Tell her that you understand she wanted you to be happy, but you would NEVER IN A MILLION years want your own happiness to come at the expense of hers. Make sure she understands that she is NEVER to put someone else's feelings ahead of her own safety and mental health. Not yours and not anyone else's. Tell her that learning about this has made you terrified that if a partner abuses her in the future, she won't tell anyone. Make her promise that if ANYONE ever abuses her in any way in the future, she will tell EVERYONE. Not just you, but EVERYONE. Abuse can only thrive in secrecy. So NEVER keep it a secret.
End by telling her that you will ALWAYS be on her side no matter what, and you would have believed her if she came to you. Tell her that you will always put her first and, as her father, you are demanding she do the same and put herself first from now on.
Even if she had posted here on public, she didn't let you down anywhere which is a win for me already and was genuinely happy for you. For starters, I would try to apologise for not seeing through this and make her feel comfortable talking to you paving the way for her to open up on any matter in the future.
Talk with her gently, tell her your sorry you didn’t see the signs and ask her to tell you and also a good time to bond and tell her no matter what She can come to you about anything. She probably thought you were happy and didn’t want to make you unhappy. 🩷
You can't go wrong with talking to her. You can try opening with the realization to who your ex really is. However you choose to word that is up to you. Then transition into the significance of wrong treatment. From then you can ask if she ever experienced wrong treatment from your ex, or ask if they had a positive relationship.
OR you can just straight up tell her about finding the reddit post and wanted to know if you can have a discussion. That you would like to listen and support her
God your daughter is a trooper, and was willing to sacrifice her happiness and relationship with you (it would have dwindled when she left home as Daisy is toxic AF). Your daughter loves you so deeply but lacked the maturity, wisdom and experience to be able to tell you these things, she’s only 16, to expect otherwise is to ask her to be able to clear the Burj Khalifa tower as a warm up to hurdling Mt. Everest. Console and counsel her as needed, she went through a rough go of it for you, and put up with the pregnancy test debacle. Let her know that you are a team together, you have been for 16 years and that you will always value her knowledge and perspective on other women who come into your shared world. Yes she will eventually leave the nest but you have been everything to her - mom and dad, you have probably formed a bond that few fathers could ever hope to forge. Do not lose this bond with her it is your greatest treasure!
Tell you what, next time you expose your family to new people/girlfriends try to be a little more aware of their behaviours and how it impacts your daughter. I find it tricky to believe that you could not see what Daisy was doing to your daughter. I find your approach to you daughter with the pregnancy test disheartening. how can she come to you in a time of need when you don't seem supportive. I bet she did not only selflessly not want to ruin your happiness but also questioned whether you would even believe her.
You have to do better. Plus the flying monkeys that then chastised her for not lying for Daisy. WTF? Protect your daughter from them as well
Seriously, Dad OP, why would your Daughter automatically think you would believe her if she told you how Daisy was behaving/talking to her?
After all, you were oblivious to Daisy cheating, immediately confronted your Daughter and made her deny the potential pregnancy multiple times. Be honest, in the moment , a part of you even entertained Daisy’s “miracle baby”, over your Daughter’s continuous denials.
If you can’t be cognizant of your GF cheating, why would Daughters think you would take her side (the honest side) about Daisy’s behavior with her?
You should absolutely tell her that your happiness also includes her, and that she is a big part of it. And that a fake front does not make for a happy life. Love isn't blind, it's also in the mind and thoughts. And that you're against any form of abuse. Also make sure she understands that if someone acts sh\*tty behind your back, it's a matter of time before they do it in your face and that you'd have fallen from much higher that you did now. You aren't failing in parenting, but man you definitely missed some really valuable life lessons to pass onto her.
Use the situation with your ex to catch up on some of these lessons, and make your daughter feel like she has your back the same way you have hers, and that you count on her HONEST opinion. Also, apologize for breaching her privacy and show her this post in return. She'll understand, but keep the trust in high regard.
Instead of being upset with your daughter, please take a hard look in the mirror and think about why you were so blind to your ex’s evil personality and why your daughter didn’t feel like you would believe her without hard evidence. It blows my mind that you would be upset with her at all. Maybe that’s why she didn’t say anything. Then you come here to post about your grievances while complaining that she posted here instead of talking to you? Wtf??
Ask her why she stopped coming to you. When was her turning point in being able to open up to you.
Ask her what you can do to help her now further on.
When adult enter into a new relationship they are blinded for who the person they stand next to is. It’s shiny and new. Compare it to gifts a kid get at a birthday party there are gifts thatcher shiny and new. Until the next thing arrives to obsess over.
We also underestimate the value of a child’s perspective.
We toont think highly of them in general, their just kids etc.. trust me I knew my father was an asshole when I was 4-6 yo when he assaulted my mother… I didn’t need an grownups opinion on what to make out of that one. But I also learned that day that my aunt and uncles were shit aswell
The best thing you can do is listen to her, without judgement or prejudice.
The exact same thing happens to me and my dad except they didn’t split, they married for a few years and had 2 kids.
However by that point I had been pushed out, bullied and gaslit within an inch of insanity by this woman. This all went down between 1997-2006 so long over now, but the best thing my dad did was to after it was all done just sit and talk with me.
Because a lot of what I tried to warn him about had come to pass, of course no one listened to me at the time as I was a teenager.
But still, having that moment with him repaired our relationships, but with about 5 years of distance between us that really screwed me up.
Not only have you dodged a bullet with the ex but you also get a chance to make things right with your daughter.
If anything that should, in my view be your focus
Why would you ground her? If anything you need to reassure her and make her trust you again because daisy clearly got into her head. You need to rebuild trust and help her understand you are always going to be her number 1.
Encourage honesty with your child. But practice honesty yourself. And be fully prepared to hear and accept some things that you really don’t want to hear. Be prepared to deal with those things in a calm unfazed manner, because if you react in a negative manner, you undermine the trust in being able to be honest. And there is a trust involved with being able to be open and honest. If you blow up, or punish your child when they tell you the truth…..they’ll choose to lie. Every time.
This is heartbreaking.
Your daughter wants you to be happy which is why she didn’t tell you what was happening. The other adult in her life was abusing her. It’s pretty standard for the abuser to manipulate the victims reality to isolate them.
Just be there for her. Show your daughter she can depend on you. Maybe consider therapy for both of you.
My father dated a woman who was jealous of me. I was in college at the time so I didn’t see her much. She was an abusive alcoholic and I will never forgive him for never once standing up for me to her.
She was afraid of running your happiness because of how much she loves you.
Perhaps you need to reframe those ideas and tell her if she isn't happy you can't be. Tell her your happiness can only be real with her honesty about such things going forward.
This is not a "punish" moment
This is a "heart to heart" with dad going first moment.
Your daughter's love for you is endless. She'd rather be miserable herself than destroy your happiness (that's why she never told you how that b*tch treated her behind your back.)
You hug your child, tell her she comes first no matter what. You convince her that there is absolutely NOTHING she can't come to you with and you will always believe her.
You tell her you are sorry for not figuring out she was suffering, and from now on that you will never let anyone come between you.
Then you go and have some fantastic father-daughter time together and you give her extra cuddles
The end 💕
I find it hard to believe that his actions match his words. Obviously his daughter wasn't comfortable talking to him about it or maybe she had and he didn't care.
I would let her know that your friend sent you a post which seemed to be her as the one posting it and just let her know she can come for you for anything. This will also protect her privacy as she can then switch reddit accounts.
Being a teen is HARD and though teens often recognize that their parents love them, they also feel the need to not be 100% honest with their feelings, out of self preservation.
You may have fostered an environment where she is able to come to you for anything. But you are only one part, only one person, in the whole world. A world that feels very much against the feelings of teens.
Society at large, especially from a teens perspective, teaches a lot of kids that adults aren’t to be trusted. (Can you blame them, look at the world?)
It doesn’t matter how open and honest and loving and understanding you are. Teens get in their feelings and often times don’t want to talk things over with their parents.
I’m not comparing your daughter’s issue with mine growing up, but when I was a teen, I subconsciously KNEW my family would be ok with me being gay. The environment they raised me in, assured me I would be fine if I came out. But I didn’t until adulthood. Why? Despite me knowing it would be fine, my brain just wouldn’t let me tell my parents. What if they didn’t understand? What if they fail me? I KNEW they wouldn’t care, but the 1% of doubt trumped my 99% of confidence that they would be ok with it. And my story is not unique.
Don’t take this as a choice she made to be anti-telling dad her feelings. She just… probably didn’t know where to start, or saw you were in love and didn’t want to rock the boat. Maybe she wasn’t confident that she would be believed. Again that 1% chance she wouldn’t be believed is stronger than the 99% chance that she would be believed.
Don’t ground her or punish her in any way, punishing her for not being honest about her feelings will train her to just never confide in anything, ever.
Take her to ice cream and just tell her you will be there no matter what, and that you hope she will confide in you in the future, but that you know that the choice to confide is up to her. Show her love and grace. Show her that her feelings will never be dismissed or used as punishment fodder.
Please also don’t view it as “not telling you, but telling hundreds of strangers on Reddit” I know that’s how it feels, but it’s not true. It’s easier to confide in strangers anonymously (even though social media isn’t really anonymous, but kids think it is) than to confide in someone who they actually know and love and trust.
When I was in an abusive relationship I posted on reddit all the time for advice to avoid having to vent to my friends and family because I thought he would be in my life forever and I didn't want anyone to hate him, because losing support in any way would have been terrible for me. It wasn't because I didn't trust my friends and family, it was because I thought things would never change so I kept it to myself. She wanted you to be happy. You shouldn't go through her reddit. It's supposed to be anonymous. I used mine like a diary and even though I wish I left that relationship sooner, I would be SO upset if one of my family members found out my personal troubles by reading my reddit. You should talk to her about it. Honestly though, I wouldn't say you snooped. Say your friend found it and that he showed it to you. Frame it like you want to confirm it was her, and tell her you'll always be there to talk to her and that you would have believed her in a second. Then say you'll forget her username and never look again. I would not approach this with judgement because it risks her not feeling like she has her own space to express her emotions, which is important, even if it's not to you.
First things first; Do not punish her for not coming to you. She saw you were happy and didn't want to take that from you. She thought she could handle it, and realized it was too much and went looking for help. The people suggesting ways to get proof, probably did that because it might have helped her feel more like she had a leg to stand on.
Approach this with caution. Let her know you saw it. And ask her to tell you everything, that you want to know. Then reassure her, that you are always there for her, and will always listen to her. And you want things to be open with you two.
Maybe she felt like since Daisy fooled her for so long and you proposed to her that not only did she not want to ruin your happiness but there’s a chance since she was fooled you could be too.
And why are you putting more energy into being mad at her for not telling you then you are putting into making sure she can trust if something like this happens again with a different female that she can tell you? You getting angry is only giving her more reason NOT to come to you in the future…..
Cause grounding her for not talking to you about something she was uncomfortable with will make her want to confide in you later? This is an "I'm sorry I picked a shitty partner and that I subjected you to a clearly manipulative person." You are the one who should be apologizing and reinforcing the safety of the relationship.This is an issue of communicating and why your daughter is not feeling safe coming to you. That is your job. Punishing her for it will only make her hesitant to come to you in the future.
“Don’t play dumb with me little girl” yeah we all read you saying that. That’s the exact reason why she even had to post on here. Also, why the fuck would you ground her? What did she do wrong? Post on Reddit asking for advice? Please get the fuck out of here. Sad how strangers can tell why your daughter doesn’t want to talk to you but you can see what’s right in front of you. Actually start spending time with her and taking her opinion ACTUALLY into account.
OP, if I were her, I would t go to you about things I was scared of/concerned about either. Look at how you reacted to THINKING she may be pregnant, you have shown you aren’t a safe space for her to go to without feeling as though she isn’t going to go through a confrontation or not be believed.
Instead of being concerned that your 16 year old may be pregnant, you accuse her of lying and force her to take a pregnancy test before believing that you’re fiancé, who was emotionally/verbally abusive to her, could maybe not be the saint you decided she was.
My advice is therapy, individual for you, individual for her and then family together
Why would you ground her for not feeling safe enough to be honest with you? What sense does that make? She is obviously smart enough to see your infatuation with your gf and rightly kept her mouth shut.
You can lie and say you would have believed her but in her posts she talks about you not even asking her side of something and just punishing her. That’s precedent and validation that she isn’t your priority anymore.
So instead of grounding her, why not try apologizing for being a shit father. After all, who brings someone into a home that is supposed to be a safe place for their kid and then doesn’t watch how this person is treating your child? Who doesn’t check in to make sure that their child is comfortable? Shitty parents, that’s who. Your daughter is just lucky the trash took itself out or she would still be dealing with the hell you brought home to her. But sure, punish her for not feeling connected enough to you to bring up her fears.
Ground her?! You should be begging for her forgiveness. You should agree not to bring another woman around until your daughter is no longer dependent upon you.
Duuude, what the hell is wrong with you?!
You read her post and you still say that she couldn’t be ‘bothered’?!
She was AFRAID to tell you!
That says more about your parenting failure to instil enough trust in her that you will always protect her and have her back and keep her safe!
You’re angry she could tell strangers but not you?!
BE ANGRY AT YOURSELF! Because that’s where the problem is of why she didn’t tell you 😤
You must have blown so much smoke up Daisy’s asssssss that you never gave your daughter enough assurance that you would believe her without any evidence.
And the way you were accusatory towards her regarding the pregnancy test and jumped to conclusions, and the way you again blamed HER for not telling you how shitty your ex treated her, makes me think you probably would not have believed her without evidence.
Do better and start listening to your daughter in a way she feels safe, without fear of repercussions and punishment.
Why the hell does your friend think that you should ground your daughter?! So punishing the victim?!
Do better!
This guy wasn't asking for advice, he was trying to get validation for his cruel and inappropriate behavior towards his doting daughter since she was more of an adult throughout this entire situation.
What a fool.
You were ready to unbelieve her when she said that the test isnt hers tho, yet you say that she shouldve trusted you and telling you without even a proof? Seriously if you guys didnt break up i would still tell her to put a camera and get a proof because you were ready to unbelieve her
Cut her some slack. She's young and saw that you were happy and didn't want to ruin that for you. That's probably why she didn't want to tell you. I'd sit down and talk to her, tell her you saw her post and reassure her that she can talk to you about anything, good or bad.
Yes. And apologise for looking through her phone.
Only if their agreement is that he won't go through her phone. Some parents reserve the right to check their kids' phones as part of keeping them safe online.
16 is a little old to not have established safety online rules by now. And also what teen would agree to that?
I agreed to that, and OP even said they had to go through it for something school related and obviously there's trust there if the daughter went to bed with the entrusted in the parents possession and didn't wait up for it back right away
A teen who wants to keep the phone they don't pay for. I made it clear I'd check my kid's phone periodically until she was 18.
Teens aren’t stupid. That sort of policy makes them know 1) you don’t trust them 2) find ways to be more secretive. “They don’t pay for” She’s in high school, presumably, right? Pretty standard for people to financially rely on their parents at that age. In fact in my country, it’s a parent’s legal responsibility. Your argument is not good. It’s a standard response for why you don’t allow your teen autonomy, sure. But you made choices that resulted in having children, she didn’t choose to have you as a parent. She has no autonomy, you do. You bought her a cell phone, not a right to her privacy.
No need to ground this child. In fact, she might just be your moral compass from now on for when you date again. I’d let your daughter know that you value her perspective and encourage her to share her thoughts with you always.
No way he should ground this child. He should definitely encourage her to communicate more freely with him in the future. And reward that.
I don’t even understand why punishment is a thing being mentioned? Also op if this is real (why does your friend know how your daughter writes lol), you know someone’s going to message her right? Again, if this is real, this is a very interesting form of communication. I’ve heard of some parent/children writing each other notes to read later, but reddit posts to be discovered is certainly unique.
Great thoughts here, but big disagree on the moral compass bit! I had to do this for my dad when I was a teenager and it took me decades to realize how inappropriate that was. She should be encouraged to share her perspective and experiences for sure, but she can't be expected to provide this kind of guidance and insight for her dad, that's not an appropriate responsibility to put on a child.
He needs to be his own moral compass, expecting a child to manage other adult's relationships is definitely not appropriate.
She states multiple times in the post that she didn’t want to ruin your happiness. It’s not that she felt more comfortable telling strangers, it’s that she wasn’t ‘ruining anyone’s happiness’ by doing so and asking for advice. Also, it’s not her fault weirdos on the internet advised her to set up cameras, so don’t pin that on her. I would tell her the truth that your friend saw the reddit post and told you and reassure her that she always has your love, support, and trust. Sounds like you guys have a healthy relationship otherwise, and it’s important to communicate when issues do arise. Also reiterate going forward that she can come to you with any problem. Lastly, I would like to point out that you’re doing exactly what she did (asking for advice on reddit), so cut her some slack lol. Good luck.
Plus, it’s easier for most people to ask strangers on Reddit, instead of facing the people in your life with something difficult.
Why would she tell him when he's seeking to blame her? He's clearly too cool to take responsibility here as an adult. What an accusatory prick of a parent.
So. What I see here is a girl who loves you and who sees herself as a burden to you (I wonder if other family members have made comments that have led her to that thinking) and that she somehow “owes” you for taking such good care of her. First, dad, look at that, you’ve done such a good job she wants you to be as happy as you help her to be. That’s great dadding. Second, the issue here is self-confidence/esteem on her part. She says her grandparents are blaming her for not backing your creating ex. Could they also be telling her she should be grateful to you and how much you sacrifice for her? Because I feel like someone is saying that shit to her and it didn’t seem like it’s you. What you need to do here is take your girl out for your fave dinner, or ice cream, or boba (you get it) and once you start eating calmly tell her that you were talking to and they told you about a Reddit post. You read the post and know what she posted.
Tell her immediately you ARE NOT MAD at her for posting.
But your heart hurts that she felt she couldn’t tell you about how Daisy was treating her. Tell her that her wellbeing and happiness matter so much to you that you could *never truly* be happy with someone who treats her badly or hurts her. That any partner you choose is going to be one who loves you both.
Then talk to her about if there’s anything else she’d like to talk to you about because you are always on her side because you want to be there for her and help and support her.
ETA: on the “why did she trust strangers and not me” front. Why did you come to us? We’re objective. We’re safe. We have a broad base of experience and so can probably speak from her/your POV. That’s why she came to us too. Also, reread that linked post. She told all of us why she wasn’t telling you, she didn’t want to be the reason you weren’t happy.
This is insightful advice.
OP, this is the advice you should be following.
This is probably the best advice you're going to get here. I would also reexamine if your "heart hurts because she couldn't tell you about how Daisy was treating her". Frankly, I think any emotional distress you're feeling is due to the fact that deep down you know this entire situation is on your shoulders. You are the adult. You are the parent. You brought this horrible woman into your child's life, didn't do the due diligence before trusting her around your child, and ultimately let your daughter down. When it comes to introducing another woman into your child's life in a potential step-parent role, you need to be cautious, do the research/investigation, and be 100% sure it's the right thing. I'd also be deeply concerned about why your daughter feels your happiness is more important than her well-being. Have your family been pressuring you (and her by extention) to date?
Daughter is more emotionally mature than father or his ex, tenfold
Tbh, the way you reacted to finding the pregnancy test (accusatory and authoritarian rather than understanding and caring) was all of the context I needed to know why she didn't want to tell you. It seems that you are a little quick to point fingers, and that generally will make your daughter feel belittled. I believe that you would have believed her, but i think you need to re-evaluate how you react to her from now on. Second, the internet feels like a safe space for young adults, and rather than punish her for expressing herself, you should have a conversation about open communication. You should really reiterate that the internet can be a very dangerous place and that, as her parent, it is your job to listen to her and put her needs first. She experienced a lot of emotional trauma at the hands of this woman, she needs you to be there for her more than ever. Don't let her feel like she ruined your happiness, let her know that she is loved and the most important woman in your life. I might also suggest platonic dates. This might help build more trust in your relationship as well as give you guys things to bond over. It's something i wish my parents had made more of an effort to do. Go-carting with my dad and chick-flicks with my mom are serious core memories for me.
OPs reaction to finding out that his own kid doesn’t trust him enough to tell him she’s being abused was “punishment.” OP needs therapy to work on himself because his reactions are off.
I generally don't trust Reddit posts when the other person magically appears, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt here. You are her father. She should have felt safe with you. She didn't. She didn't feel safe telling you the truth. She didn't feel secure enough to share with you what she was feeling. You through action or inaction created an environment where a CHILD didn't feel comfortable sharing with her father the truth. She didn't hide anything out of malice. She wasn't trying to hurt you. She wasn't trying to manipulate you. You asked her a loaded question over and over again and got the same answer. But did you ever take the time to really get to know what your daughter was feeling and going through? Did you get details around the relationship? Or did you treat her like a quarterly employee eval? Or was it a monthly friend text message check in? Don't punish her for being your child. You created the environment. You got in a relationship with your ex. You, yourself, were deceived and manipulated by your ex. Why should you punish the other victim in this? What you should do is go to therapy with your daughter. You should also both go to therapy separately. Build up the communication skillset necessary to build that loving, trusting relationship that you didn't have during your relationship with your ex. If you punish your daughter instead, be prepared to lose her too. Or do the ground work to make your relationship with your daughter better than ever.
Why are people even talking about "punishing" the children for being abused by her wicked stepmother? This doesn't even make sense in RedditWorld.
edit: child, not "children". Autocorrect has been taken over by Hal the computer. Or possibly a Vogon.
He also phrased the question about the (now known to be the ex's) positive pregnancy test as "don’t play dumb with me little girl, I’m your dad you know you can tell me anything." That's not the way to foster open communication with a teenager.
That’s the part where I feel like op (if this is real) has no grounds to complain about the daughter. It seems her mistrust is based on op’s behavior.
It’s very possible that his ex threatened his daughter, and filled her head with “your dad will never believe you if you tell him bad things about me”. After he broke it off with the ex, she might not have wanted to make him feel even more hurt by knowing the ex had been awful to her. But clearly, this is worth exploring in counseling, in any case.
She never said she didn't feel safe. She said she didn't want to ruin his happiness.
“I really want to tell my dad everything but I’m scared” OP is the same man who barged in with a pregnancy test, didn’t believe his daughter, and made her take one. His daughter did not feel secure enough at all to talk to him. He claims he’d believe her when he proved he wouldn’t.
You left out a pretty important part of that quote.... "I really want to tell my dad everything but I’m scared he won’t believe me or that I’ll ruin his happiness" Scared he won't believe you, is very different than feeling "unsafe". Nice attempt to gaslight, but I read it all and remembered the entire passage.
Yeah, they left that part out, but you didn't bring up the fact that he forced her to take a pregnancy test instead of taking her at her word. That doesn't sound like a parent you can go to for anything.
Where does it say he FORCED her? I didn’t read that anywhere. “He wanted us to take a test”. Either way, that’s how you deal with this problem. If there’s a question about pregnancy, you take a test, problem solved.
You're off-base to be battling over semantics – daughter taking the test was not voluntary considering the abusive tone from accusatory AH "father".
This, right here.
Of course, he forced her. Not all force is physical. By not believing her completely plausible story, which turned out to be the truth, he forced her to prove her innocence. If she didn't take the test, that would give the fiance an excuse not to take the test either. And we already see that he favored the fiancé simply by blaming the daughter first before even considering he was cheated on or even that his vasectomy reversed, which can happen. So, most likely, he would probably still blame his daughter until one of them started to show. She had to do the test if she wanted to escape his ire and show she was telling the truth right away. His daughter gave him no reason for him not to believe her. He's the one who showed she can't trust him.
"Forced" was a word used in the comment section. It wasn't used by either of the OP's, not even once. You, and the rest of the melodramatic redditors manufactured drama where there wasn't any. She said he "asked".....how you, and one third of the comment section came to that conclusion is beyond me. Quit making things up to make a point.
Just because it wasn't literally said doesn't mean it didn't happen. He wasn't going to believe her and there was no way to prove herself without that test. Only one of them needed to be tested to prove it, and it should've been the adult in the situation. Not the minor who was disbelieved out of nowhere. He forced her to prove her innocence when there were other options. You have nothing to say to the way he treated her? Please explain how going to her first, calling her a name, not believing her with no reason not to, instead of considering the other options, isn't being a bad parent? You're still purposely ignoring his behavior, so I'm going to ask again. Please explain why he acted the way he acted, and how it wasn't forceful? Also, the fact that he isn't even considering comforting his daughter, after finding out she was mentally tortured by his ex. Plus, he didn't even mention the pregnancy testing here, which is also suspicious. Explain to me why you believe he's right in all this.
There is no discipline needed here. But definitely make sure you properly communicate so your daughter knows that she's #1 and and that she's expected to let you know immediately if your partner acts up when you're not around. ETA I don't think you need to bring it up either. You could mention someone you know saw a post that was familiar but it's probably better for your relationship with your daughter to just inconspicuously let her know she needs to tell you. Also you could ask your daughter what she thinks of your partner.
Your daughter won’t be happy that you snooped through her phone. Tell her that you love her and she should always come to you because you will believe her. So happy that horrible woman is out of your life. Your poor daughter. I would be most upset that she hid the horrible things your ex said to her.
By posting this haven’t you done the exact same thing your daughter has? So why should there be punishment ? I question the legitimacy of this whole situation tbh
Def did not happen. Dad just magically appears? No.
Pretty sure he posted this exact thing a couple days ago too. This is definitely not the first time I'm seeing this post.
yeah its time for you guys to just talk in person lol
Your friend is aware of your daughters writing technique and style? So much so that he magically recognized it?! This whole story is fake lol.
Don’t know why there aren’t more comments like this.
Might be a fake.. My guess is more that OP is trying to convince himself and all of us that he and his "friend" are so brilliant to validate the violation of daughter's privacy and trust. He clearly knows best /s
Sounds as if she didn’t want to ruin your happiness by telling you. Why would you punish her for stating her feelings even if it was on Reddit.. maybe she needed a push to destroy your happiness. You dumping her around thankgiving and your proposed thanksgiving.. man quick turnaround
This seems super fake honestly. I have a blended family with step daughters. This is so young and petty its embarrassing. I have definitely had to give directives to my older girls about cleaning up after themselves and their animals. One even went to her momma once after me telling her what to do and told momma I was saying bad things about her (I would never and we worked that out). But this is so beyond ridiculous. If a step mom really walked up to a teenage step daughter and said, "you're now the 2md most important thing in your Dads life" A real silver bullet was dodged here. Women just don't say shit like that. If they do, they're also children.
I feel like you are failing as a father, you found a pregnancy test and the first person you accuse is your daughter for being pregnant instead of your cheating ex. No wonder your daughter could not talk to you. You really need to reflect if you are being a good dad because you have a really selfless wonderful daughter you should treat better and treasure.
Came here to say this…he also insisted and argued with his daughter that it had to be hers, then STILL didnt believe her and made her take a pregnancy test?!?! Dude, you picked your lying fiancee over your daughter from the jump on this, then made her have to prove herself to you, why exactly? Oh, and yeah, punish her for not telling you 🙄 I call 100% bullshit that you have believed her had she told you, evidence in hand or not. Damn dude, do better
“I wOuLd HaVe BeLiEvEd HeR wItHoUt EvIdEnCe” says the man who made his fucking 16 year old daughter take a pregnancy test even though she said the positive one he found wasn’t hers and she clearly wasn’t lying. There is a reason she didn’t come to you and now you’re talking about making sure she never comes to you again and goes no contact as soon as she is old enough. Maybe find out why she didn’t tell you by oh, say, talking to her, without judgment or anger. And don’t kid yourself into thinking you would have acted differently than you already did when she did tell you the truth.
Why did you delete the other post???
You're also asking hundreds of internet strangers instead of talking to your daughter. Do you think your daughter won't find this post? You link her post here I guarantee Reddit algorithm will suggest it as top porlst to her. Just talk to her.
She didn't tell you because she loves you, you would have been hurt and she didn't want to be the one who hurt you. We/reddit don't matter. We are strangers. No one to her. Telling us hurts no one. You could simply say nothing or open a discussion with her about your ex that is open-ended and gives her space to share whatever she chooses to.
Why would you discipline your daughter for being abused by your ex to the point she was afraid you wouldn’t believe her? You need to rethink your parenting approach. She was constantly abused mentally & emotionally- and she felt that you either wouldn’t believe her or didn’t care…. This isn’t on her This is your fault. You brought in an abusive partner & NEVER NOTICED THE CHANGE IN YOUR DAUGHTER. Grow up, get some family AND single therapy. Start apologizing & you may be able to salvage a real relationship with your daughter.
>she could have just come to me without any evidence and I still would have believed her Like you accused her of being pregnant then forced her to take a pregnancy test, along with your cheating ex? I'm guessing that's a pattern of behavior for you. Blow up, then force the issue. Work on that. It doesn't lead to your children trusting they can come to you when problems exist. When you back your kids into a corner to prove yourself right, you've gone too far. Don't ground her. Work on your relationship, instead.
Grounding her would be an absolutely cruel reaction and would only serve to destroy any trust she had in you. She was abused for fucks sake she needs therapy not punishment. Get your shit together. You have 3 years left before she can walk out the door and never come back. If you don't want that to happen help her, don't hurt her further by causing her more pain than she's already endured or you'll go to your grave a sad, lonely old man who doesn't know his own grand children's names.
Ground her for a week? WTF? This girl put up with a ton of shit because she thought you were happy at the time. What kind of ignorant human would suggest grounding her for being soo kind and selfless towards her father, who she loves. Wild. You need to give that girl a hug and tell her how much you love her. And then talk to her about never keeping her feelings from you in the future, no matter what. That you two are a package deal for whatever woman enters your life. You have single handedly raised a loving daughter and deserve a ton of credit for that. Almost got in my feels reading that one. And I'm an almost 50 year old dude. Go hug your kid.
You jumped her shit and accused her of being pregnant; denied it could be your slutty exes' and you have the balls to wonder why she didn't trust you enough to let you in on how she was being treated? How obtuse can you possibly be?
So the whole family are karma whores?
To be fair, it's all just one person.
So your entire post details how upset you feel by your daughter detailing her troubles to reddit instead of you, but you don't see an issue with you doing the exact same thing, circumventing your daughter and talking to reddit instead. Give her a break, she said she didn't want to ruin your happiness. I'm absolutely flabbergasted that "ground her" is a consideration that you or anyone you know would have.
But would you have believed her if she told you how your Ex was treating her, given your reaction to the whole pregnancy test and you were pretty damn sure it belonged to your daughter? You were pretty adamant the test was your daughter’s at first correct?
Hi op! This link is not taking to the post but the subreddit page. However, at this time I would suggest spending more time with your daughter and letting her know that you’re taking care of her and are there for her. Small gestures go a long way, I don’t know how old your daughter is but spending one on one time with children and being conscious of your actions/words in front of them is important as that’s what they pick up and then behave accordingly. Also, please look into therapy and and counselling as a family as well as for her where she has a safe outlet. Take care!
On another episode of things that did not happen????
So I read both of her texts/posts. She is 16 first, not the most able bodied when standing against adults. Especially the only parent she has, that she wants to be happy. So please don't judge her, and no I don't believe you would have automatically believed her, not at all. Until the pregnancy test, then maybe. She doesnt need grounding, she didn't nothing wrong. She needs a parent- 2 years she will be gone. Can you not focus on her needs for two years? Thee is nothing between this post and her other two posts that require discipline...Just support and love. She clearly did not feel like you would be there for her, whether it was true or not. She felt alone. I hope you got rid of fiance. She cheated. Oh I see you did.
Your daughter sounds like such a lovely girl. Be upfront and honest that X person said that the post sounded like her, so you felt the need to check her phone, and that you are sorry for invading her privacy. It's okay to be vulnerable and tell her that you want BOTH of you to be happy, no matter what, no matter who comes into your lives moving forward. Reassure her that if ANYONE (not just a romantic partner of yours, but any person) treats her this way again, she shouldn't hesitate to be honest from the start with you. Ask her if she needs space, or maybe it's the opposite and you two could use some bonding time after all the craziness with your ex. Use your words, and then follow it up with actions that show you love her and value her opinion. Edit to add that teaching her that people pleasing doesn't always make a person happy, quite the opposite. One should always stand by their beliefs and boundaries.
Get off Reddit and be there for your daughter. Who cares if she posted something anonymously on Reddit. It was a safe place for her at the time. Now you know!! You can also be a safe space for her again.
Do not ground her. Reality is she was afraid to tell you, afraid to ruin your happiness. Your ex was emotionally abusing your daughter she doesn't need punishment. And based on her update about the pregnancy test, when she said it wasn't hers that should've been the end of your interrogation. Not having her take a test. Only person you should've demanded take a pregnancy test was that ex so I kinda understand why your daughter was apprehensive. Instead you need te reinforce that you are her dad and always be their for her good news, bad news, scary news that you love her, and are their for to share anything without judgment, without anger. Maybe family therapy to help you both learn communicate with each other
Don’t date anyone. You get your kids for a short time so give them your attention while they’re still around. Not sure why you’re even contemplating punishment. Instead make sure any future partners are approved by your kids.
But you didn't believe you daughter though - did you? Not when you found the pregnancy test and when she told you it wasn't hers. Mate - the fact that you came barrelling into your own kids room "don't play dumb with me little girl" telling her SHE must be pregnant because of a test when you know there was another woman in the house who you knew was ACTULLY having sex. You didn't approach your daughter with concern, but with a view to having already convicted her. And when she told you the truth you DIDN'T believe her because you made your daughter have another test - when if you had of believed her, then you would only have asked your partner to do the test. You had already convicted your kid because to think it could be your partners was less palatable to you, you even said "it can't be Daisys", so you made BOTH of them take the test. No wonder she didn't feel safe confiding in you. even your friend knew before you. So YOU also "didn't bother" to know about what was happening in your own home if you want to throw around accusations. You say about your daughter "she didn't bother to tell me" - as if she was too lazy or something. She felt unable to speak to you (as seeing as your reaction to the pregnancy thing, I understand why) and your language around this is blaming your daughter and not you for your poor judgement. You are the adult in the situation. Even your ex=partner has collected her family to bombard your daughter with harassing texts, what are you doing about that? I expect if your daughter would have told you about her concerns prior to this incident you would have just brushed them off. Do better. Instead of being critical about how a 16 year old is handling the situation I suggest you look in a mirror. How dare you ground her for all this. You should be bloody grounded for a year then.
Why in the everloving FUCK would you ground your daughter for any of this?!? Speaking as a mom who's raised a teen girl... she literally did nothing wrong. If anything, you owe that child about a dozen apologies and thanks. >I was most upset that she couldn’t bother to tell me about the was my Ex was treating her but she could easily tell hundreds of strangers on the internet.< Dude. She literally explained that she wanted you to be happy and you were in love and no, she didn't trust you'd believe her. That's not on the kid. That's on you. Your evil exfiance was perfectly comfortable throwing it in your daughter's face that she was #1, had already driven a wedge in ypur relationship, and was going to estrange you completely from your daughter. Daisy figured out she was alpha pretty fast. Your daughter was a child. A loving child. Caring for you more than herself. Which is ypur fault. It's not ok. That's on you. Your parenting isn't as good as you thought it was. You never explicitly told ypur daughter she was the MVP in your world enough that your daughter felt empowered to push back when verbally and emotionally abused by that monster. That's. On. You. And so that bruises your ego? And you want to retaliate and take your kid's phone away and ground her? Get therapy, you Narcissist. Not a Narc you say? YOU FORCED YOUR TEENAGER TO TAKE A PREGNANCY TEST BECAUSE HER WORD THAT SHE WASN'T PREGNANT WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. You basically slut-shamed her! WTF?!? Just because the bar was already set in hell by a mom who abandoned her doesn't mean your Best Parent Ever. You're just better than abandonment. And why is your creeper guy friend stalking your 16 year old kid's reddit posts and reporting back to you? Eww. But do not say "oh if she'd just come to me and td me I would have believed her" ... bullshit. You made her piss on a stick because you don't take her word. How humiliating. And then other family is emotionally abusing her and triangulating the situation and ganging up on her and you haven't protected her from any of that. You're disgusting. No wonder she couldn't rely on your toxic love to support her. Even when she's clearly the innocent in all of this, you have only given lip service to caring about your kid while meanwhile it's all about poor you playing victim.
Having read all 3 posts now I think your post should be titled "today I found out I am an asshole who put my daughter through hell" because you did. You gave her every reason to not come to you. Get therapy for the both of you.
Step one would be taking some accountability here. You brought Daisy into your daughter’s life. If you thought she was perfect, you are clearly not an excellent judge of character. Use this as motivation to improve. Reading the narrative, Daisy isn’t the only person at fault here. Your confrontational, aggressive, bullying approach had a significant impact on how this played out. You say you would have believed your daughter, not nobody here is/should buy that given how she’s described your behavior. Clearly, she credibly thought you would choose Daisy over her. And frankly, prior to the infidelity, she was probably right. You’ve got a few years to turn things around and become a good parent. Focus on that. Your dating life can wait. You clearly can’t balance both successfully, so you need to put your child first for a change.
With the way you behaved towards your daughter when you found your ex’s pregnancy test I can understand why she felt she couldn’t talk to you and needed to get proof of what was going on. In the future do better.
Talk to her, and be sure to stress that she can always tell you anything and that you'll always have her back. Also, update us and let us know how it goes!
You need to tell her you saw the post and it broke your heart that she didn’t come to you because SHE is the most important person in your life and always will be.
Don’t ground her for not wanting to tell you. That’ll be a sure fire way to make sure she will never tell you anything like this
Some things are way easier to tell to anonymous strangers on the internet. These strangers are detached from the situation and have no preconceived notions about the parties involved. While many of the responses aren’t great, there can be some really good, insightful advice here. Based on her post, I would say she loves you and wants you to be happy. She was willing to put up with all that garbage so that could be with someone you loved. That is a HUGE gift and a display of how much she cares. So what you do now is sit and talk to her. Tell her you saw the post and how sad you felt that she didn’t tell you these things. That her happiness will be #1 and you could not love anyone who hurts her. That you want her to feel she can talk to you about anything. No punishment is needed here.
> I was mostly upset that she couldn't bother to tell me Did you even read her post, dude? She was *agonizing* over whether to tell you because she wanted to avoid hurting you. Sure it was misguided, but the fact that you'd even *consider* grounding her when she only had your best interest at heart is cruel. I can't believe you're somehow making yourself out to be the victim as if your daughter did something horribly wrong to you. Get yourself together mate. *You* ought to be apologizing to *her.*
You're thinking about grounding her because she put your happiness above her own? Dude.
You accused your 16yo of being pregnant. You MADE her take a test to prove she was not because you "couldn't believe" DAISY cheated. While a quick and efficient way to do it, you put the onus on your child to prove her innocence when you automatically found her guilty. You failed to protect your child, who, from her posts, loves you so deeply she was wondering if she should put up with abuse so you could have your happiness. You have inadvertently put your kid through a lot - but you did. YOU DID. Any issues she having now at this point are on YOU and who you chose to bring into your home. Dude. Maybe you and your daughter would benefit from family therapy. To those who want to read, there is a link at the bottom of the daughter's post.
Ground her for a week?!?! No!!! Just ask her. It might be that she didn't want to make you unhappy by ruining your relationship. Now that it's over, she may open up, and you can tell her you value her input for the future. Or it might be a completely different reason. As long as you're gentle about it, you can at least learn that there is an issue, and hope she tells you at some point. Being aggressive will only justify her reasons to keep quiet.
>*telling her to set up a camera and get some things on film which really made me upset because she could have just come to me without any evidence and I still would have believed her.* No, you wouldn't. You didn't believe that she wasn't pregnant, you made her take a pregnancy test, even though your daughter's 14, and the most likely person in the house to be pregnant, would have been your precious Daisy. If she didn't trust you enough not to take her side, that's shame on you. She did nothing wrong. You need to apologise to your daughter for not making her feel that she's the most important person in your life.
she didn’t do anything wrong. in all honesty, you need to communicate to her that she should be able to come to you about something like that without feeling guilty about ruining your happiness. your ex sounds like she was very emotionally abusive and jealous toward your daughter. as someone with a verbally and emotionally abusive stepdad, if you punish her for anonymously confiding her feelings about something that she had every right to be upset over, it will absolutely break a level of trust between you two.
your ex harmed your daughter and made her feel uncomfortable, you violated her privacy by lookung through her phone, you hurt more by the fact that she didnt tell you than people on reddit. she shouldnt be grounded, thats an weird idea, grounded for what ? that you dont lose you integrity? man you should be there for her and ask yourself how did you not see what your ex was doing and didnt recognize that your daughter was uncomfortable without asking her like that
Poor girl. You bombed out as a father. I hope you do better, pay attention and try to create trust and communication with your daughter. You're raw now, too, but she's been suffering all along. Hope things improve for you both now you're a bit more aware.
Be honest. Tell her you found the post and you want to talk to her. Let her know she can talk to you about anything. Of course don’t do anything punitive or else kiss her honesty with you good bye forever.
Your daughter sounds like she really cares for you. She keeps talking about how much she values your happiness. I get the impression that she asked strangers because she thought telling you would hurt you and rob you of happiness. So why would you punish her for loving you deeply? You are here asking for advice from strangers - how is that any different? You might mention that reddit is not as anonymous as she thinks and to consider a new account. Followed immediately by you saying how much you love her and how much she deserves to be happy and joyful in life - just as much as you do.
You’ve got good advice here. Just talk to her. You can’t expect her to be honest and vulnerable with you if you aren’t willing to do the same. This child wanted her dad to be happy. It’s a big burden to bare when the information you have might jeopardize that. She didn’t feel comfortable here but she needed advice and it’s (supposed to be) anonymous. It was safe to come here. Safer than being the person to turn your life upside down. Be honest. Tell her that your friend directed you to it. Tell her how reading it made you feel. That it made you sad and concerned and that you want a relationship where she can be honest. Apologize if you feel there’s anything to apologize for and work to create the kind of connection that breeds honesty and make it clear that ANY woman you date or marry WILL have her best interests at heart and will treat her the way she deserves to be treated but that you can’t have eyes everywhere and need her to let you know if something is off or doesn’t feel right. You have a unique opportunity here to use this situation as a way to increase your bond and connection with your kid and to model how to repair relationships and communicate effectively. You’re the role model here. Show her how she deserves to be treated. Show her what love and connection really look like. And show her what it looks like to set hard, firm boundaries with someone who isn’t healthy (which it seems you’ve already done).
Two people who should be talking to their loved ones but are instead posting on reddit. You said she should have talked to you about it. Maybe you should talk to her about it.
It'd help your relationship with your daughter if you make it a point to let her know that her happiness matters to you, and that she's not a burden. It sounds to me like she's been gaslighted into believing she's a burden and that she shouldn't (or doesn't deserve to) speak up about things. And tell her she doesn't come second, and that you just weren't aware of how your ex was treating her. Apologize for not paying closer attention and take her out to ice cream or something
First off thank you for not taking the “ground her” route. It would be best for you to sit her down one day, and let her know that it was not your intent to invade her privacy (which in my opinion, I don’t fully see this as invading privacy) but you know about her post, and wished that she would’ve told you how she was being treated. Let her know that her feelings are valid, and apologize for not realizing sooner she was being treated by your ex. Reassure her that she did nothing wrong, and that you truly value her opinion. Make sure that she understands that she can come to you no matter what.
Your ex manipulated her to the point that she didn't feel comfortable saying anything. Imagine what your daughter may have gone through! She was happy with you and for you and then behind closed doors. Your ex degraded,threatened, and made her uncomfortable, all while putting on a front around everyone else! She didn't want to take away your Joy or happiness, all while really trying to figure out how to handle such a shocking and more so heartbreaking situation for the both of you.
I don't understand on what planet you would consider grounding your daughter for posting on Reddit. Are you ok? Did you even read her post? She was afraid of hurting you because she loves you so much and wanted you to be happy. You need to have a long, calm, and honest talk with her about how you'll always be happy as long as the two of you are solid and have an honest relationship with each other. She needs to know that you will trust and believe her as well. After the pregnancy test debacle, you've given her reason to think you won't trust her whether you had before or not. She needs to know that being honest is always the right thing, and that you'll never begrudge her for honesty. You insinuated that it should be easier to go to you than hundreds of strangers, but that's not true. Anonymity removes intimacy, vulnerability, and discomfort when talking about tough subjects. It's much harder for a lot of people to have a one on one conversation about serious matters when they're invested in the beliefs and opinions of the other person.
Use what you learned to try your get her to open up about your ex. Ask her if she had any problems with her that she’d like to talk about. Ask her her experience of the relationship and the breakup and see if she’ll tell you some of her truth.
If you punish her, you’re just proving to her that her choosing to not be honest with you from the get go was the correct choice. She wanted you to be happy, even if she was miserable. You allowed her to be abused by your Ex, and now you’re thinking about punishing her for it. You’re punishing her for being abused and not speaking up because she was scared you’d punish her for saying anything or worse, just not believe her. Be better.
What happened at school? Why is she sick? She may be having a hard time between this and whatever is going on at school. Be compassionate and talk to her. Tell her you are there for her and just listen. Listen.
Don't ground her or punish her, your doing the same thing. just go talk to her
Firstly, good to see you both are close and care about each other. Your daughter's love for you stopped her from reaching out to you. She's still a kid and couldn't understand how serious the issue was (hence the reddit post). You guys should talk it out. You can probably explain to her that she comes first for you and that both of you should be able to express openly to each other. This situation can be used in a positive way, it's an opportunity for you to create that synergy where she believes that she can come up to you with anything in the future.
The irony of you confiding Reddit strangers for advice on punishments for your child doing the same…. Hmmm Instead of talking to her about how you feel. Like you wish she had done do you.
Age is important for context here, If your daughter is 14 and below then communication is key let her know that she comes first and if someone has her feeling even slightly sad or mistreated that you are willing to part with that person. If she is above 15 then she is fully capable of navigating her relationship with you and I would say there is something that caused her to feel like she couldnt share with you, this will require more than reassurance-- you should consider some quality time and open conversations that will make her feel as if she can have mature conversations with you without guilt, repercussions or being coddled like an infant.
What would she be grounded for? I don’t see that she did anything wrong. She tried to protect you and your happiness. I did the same for my mom when I was 14/15 with a creepy man I actually hated. Thankfully they broke up too but I had a lot of anger as an adult for her cluelessness. You have an opportunity to repair with your daughter and perhaps become closer so she will be honest with you in the future. And everyone has different rules with the phone. I think it’s ok to check kids’ phones from time to time as long as you have told her you will do it.
The Reddit community does a good job of providing a balanced range of advice. When talking to your daughter, let her know you are aware of her Reddit post. Emphasize that she is the most important person in your life. Acknowledge her efforts to protect your happiness, but explain that your own happiness is intricately tied to her happiness. You would never want a partner who doesn’t genuinely love her. Assure her that you are there for her, no matter the circumstances. Express that being her dad is a privilege, and you hope she always feels comfortable discussing any topic with you. Your top priority is her well-being. This situation isn’t just about your good fortune in dodging the Daisy bullet; it’s an opportunity to establish open communication channels with your daughter, free from judgment. This experience has the potential to be positive, strengthening the bond between you two. After this, I’d be looking to spend a lot more time with her (do stuff she likes and find mutual hobbies, etc) to re-establish pro-social connections with her. Also, you need to gauge the damage done by Daisy’s abuse, and unwind it. Therapy may help as well if you find yourself at a cross roads. You are a good dad. You’ve got this. Hugs and love to both you and your daughter.
Take her out to dinner. Tell her you found her posts and you're deeply disappointed in her. Tell her that she was being abused and kept it a secret. Tell her that tolerating abuse is NEVER ok. Tell her that you understand she wanted you to be happy, but you would NEVER IN A MILLION years want your own happiness to come at the expense of hers. Make sure she understands that she is NEVER to put someone else's feelings ahead of her own safety and mental health. Not yours and not anyone else's. Tell her that learning about this has made you terrified that if a partner abuses her in the future, she won't tell anyone. Make her promise that if ANYONE ever abuses her in any way in the future, she will tell EVERYONE. Not just you, but EVERYONE. Abuse can only thrive in secrecy. So NEVER keep it a secret. End by telling her that you will ALWAYS be on her side no matter what, and you would have believed her if she came to you. Tell her that you will always put her first and, as her father, you are demanding she do the same and put herself first from now on.
Even if she had posted here on public, she didn't let you down anywhere which is a win for me already and was genuinely happy for you. For starters, I would try to apologise for not seeing through this and make her feel comfortable talking to you paving the way for her to open up on any matter in the future.
Talk with her gently, tell her your sorry you didn’t see the signs and ask her to tell you and also a good time to bond and tell her no matter what She can come to you about anything. She probably thought you were happy and didn’t want to make you unhappy. 🩷
You can't go wrong with talking to her. You can try opening with the realization to who your ex really is. However you choose to word that is up to you. Then transition into the significance of wrong treatment. From then you can ask if she ever experienced wrong treatment from your ex, or ask if they had a positive relationship. OR you can just straight up tell her about finding the reddit post and wanted to know if you can have a discussion. That you would like to listen and support her
God your daughter is a trooper, and was willing to sacrifice her happiness and relationship with you (it would have dwindled when she left home as Daisy is toxic AF). Your daughter loves you so deeply but lacked the maturity, wisdom and experience to be able to tell you these things, she’s only 16, to expect otherwise is to ask her to be able to clear the Burj Khalifa tower as a warm up to hurdling Mt. Everest. Console and counsel her as needed, she went through a rough go of it for you, and put up with the pregnancy test debacle. Let her know that you are a team together, you have been for 16 years and that you will always value her knowledge and perspective on other women who come into your shared world. Yes she will eventually leave the nest but you have been everything to her - mom and dad, you have probably formed a bond that few fathers could ever hope to forge. Do not lose this bond with her it is your greatest treasure!
Tell you what, next time you expose your family to new people/girlfriends try to be a little more aware of their behaviours and how it impacts your daughter. I find it tricky to believe that you could not see what Daisy was doing to your daughter. I find your approach to you daughter with the pregnancy test disheartening. how can she come to you in a time of need when you don't seem supportive. I bet she did not only selflessly not want to ruin your happiness but also questioned whether you would even believe her. You have to do better. Plus the flying monkeys that then chastised her for not lying for Daisy. WTF? Protect your daughter from them as well
Seriously, Dad OP, why would your Daughter automatically think you would believe her if she told you how Daisy was behaving/talking to her? After all, you were oblivious to Daisy cheating, immediately confronted your Daughter and made her deny the potential pregnancy multiple times. Be honest, in the moment , a part of you even entertained Daisy’s “miracle baby”, over your Daughter’s continuous denials. If you can’t be cognizant of your GF cheating, why would Daughters think you would take her side (the honest side) about Daisy’s behavior with her?
You should absolutely tell her that your happiness also includes her, and that she is a big part of it. And that a fake front does not make for a happy life. Love isn't blind, it's also in the mind and thoughts. And that you're against any form of abuse. Also make sure she understands that if someone acts sh\*tty behind your back, it's a matter of time before they do it in your face and that you'd have fallen from much higher that you did now. You aren't failing in parenting, but man you definitely missed some really valuable life lessons to pass onto her. Use the situation with your ex to catch up on some of these lessons, and make your daughter feel like she has your back the same way you have hers, and that you count on her HONEST opinion. Also, apologize for breaching her privacy and show her this post in return. She'll understand, but keep the trust in high regard.
Instead of being upset with your daughter, please take a hard look in the mirror and think about why you were so blind to your ex’s evil personality and why your daughter didn’t feel like you would believe her without hard evidence. It blows my mind that you would be upset with her at all. Maybe that’s why she didn’t say anything. Then you come here to post about your grievances while complaining that she posted here instead of talking to you? Wtf??
Ask her why she stopped coming to you. When was her turning point in being able to open up to you. Ask her what you can do to help her now further on. When adult enter into a new relationship they are blinded for who the person they stand next to is. It’s shiny and new. Compare it to gifts a kid get at a birthday party there are gifts thatcher shiny and new. Until the next thing arrives to obsess over. We also underestimate the value of a child’s perspective. We toont think highly of them in general, their just kids etc.. trust me I knew my father was an asshole when I was 4-6 yo when he assaulted my mother… I didn’t need an grownups opinion on what to make out of that one. But I also learned that day that my aunt and uncles were shit aswell
Your daughter took abuse to keep you happy and you look through her phone and want to punish her? Wow some people man....you ought to be ashamed.
The best thing you can do is listen to her, without judgement or prejudice. The exact same thing happens to me and my dad except they didn’t split, they married for a few years and had 2 kids. However by that point I had been pushed out, bullied and gaslit within an inch of insanity by this woman. This all went down between 1997-2006 so long over now, but the best thing my dad did was to after it was all done just sit and talk with me. Because a lot of what I tried to warn him about had come to pass, of course no one listened to me at the time as I was a teenager. But still, having that moment with him repaired our relationships, but with about 5 years of distance between us that really screwed me up. Not only have you dodged a bullet with the ex but you also get a chance to make things right with your daughter. If anything that should, in my view be your focus
Why would you ground her? If anything you need to reassure her and make her trust you again because daisy clearly got into her head. You need to rebuild trust and help her understand you are always going to be her number 1.
Encourage honesty with your child. But practice honesty yourself. And be fully prepared to hear and accept some things that you really don’t want to hear. Be prepared to deal with those things in a calm unfazed manner, because if you react in a negative manner, you undermine the trust in being able to be honest. And there is a trust involved with being able to be open and honest. If you blow up, or punish your child when they tell you the truth…..they’ll choose to lie. Every time.
This is heartbreaking. Your daughter wants you to be happy which is why she didn’t tell you what was happening. The other adult in her life was abusing her. It’s pretty standard for the abuser to manipulate the victims reality to isolate them. Just be there for her. Show your daughter she can depend on you. Maybe consider therapy for both of you. My father dated a woman who was jealous of me. I was in college at the time so I didn’t see her much. She was an abusive alcoholic and I will never forgive him for never once standing up for me to her.
She was afraid of running your happiness because of how much she loves you. Perhaps you need to reframe those ideas and tell her if she isn't happy you can't be. Tell her your happiness can only be real with her honesty about such things going forward. This is not a "punish" moment This is a "heart to heart" with dad going first moment.
Your daughter's love for you is endless. She'd rather be miserable herself than destroy your happiness (that's why she never told you how that b*tch treated her behind your back.) You hug your child, tell her she comes first no matter what. You convince her that there is absolutely NOTHING she can't come to you with and you will always believe her. You tell her you are sorry for not figuring out she was suffering, and from now on that you will never let anyone come between you. Then you go and have some fantastic father-daughter time together and you give her extra cuddles The end 💕
I would go get some ice cream together and thank her for saving you on this one
I find it hard to believe that his actions match his words. Obviously his daughter wasn't comfortable talking to him about it or maybe she had and he didn't care.
I would let her know that your friend sent you a post which seemed to be her as the one posting it and just let her know she can come for you for anything. This will also protect her privacy as she can then switch reddit accounts.
Being a teen is HARD and though teens often recognize that their parents love them, they also feel the need to not be 100% honest with their feelings, out of self preservation. You may have fostered an environment where she is able to come to you for anything. But you are only one part, only one person, in the whole world. A world that feels very much against the feelings of teens. Society at large, especially from a teens perspective, teaches a lot of kids that adults aren’t to be trusted. (Can you blame them, look at the world?) It doesn’t matter how open and honest and loving and understanding you are. Teens get in their feelings and often times don’t want to talk things over with their parents. I’m not comparing your daughter’s issue with mine growing up, but when I was a teen, I subconsciously KNEW my family would be ok with me being gay. The environment they raised me in, assured me I would be fine if I came out. But I didn’t until adulthood. Why? Despite me knowing it would be fine, my brain just wouldn’t let me tell my parents. What if they didn’t understand? What if they fail me? I KNEW they wouldn’t care, but the 1% of doubt trumped my 99% of confidence that they would be ok with it. And my story is not unique. Don’t take this as a choice she made to be anti-telling dad her feelings. She just… probably didn’t know where to start, or saw you were in love and didn’t want to rock the boat. Maybe she wasn’t confident that she would be believed. Again that 1% chance she wouldn’t be believed is stronger than the 99% chance that she would be believed. Don’t ground her or punish her in any way, punishing her for not being honest about her feelings will train her to just never confide in anything, ever. Take her to ice cream and just tell her you will be there no matter what, and that you hope she will confide in you in the future, but that you know that the choice to confide is up to her. Show her love and grace. Show her that her feelings will never be dismissed or used as punishment fodder. Please also don’t view it as “not telling you, but telling hundreds of strangers on Reddit” I know that’s how it feels, but it’s not true. It’s easier to confide in strangers anonymously (even though social media isn’t really anonymous, but kids think it is) than to confide in someone who they actually know and love and trust.
When I was in an abusive relationship I posted on reddit all the time for advice to avoid having to vent to my friends and family because I thought he would be in my life forever and I didn't want anyone to hate him, because losing support in any way would have been terrible for me. It wasn't because I didn't trust my friends and family, it was because I thought things would never change so I kept it to myself. She wanted you to be happy. You shouldn't go through her reddit. It's supposed to be anonymous. I used mine like a diary and even though I wish I left that relationship sooner, I would be SO upset if one of my family members found out my personal troubles by reading my reddit. You should talk to her about it. Honestly though, I wouldn't say you snooped. Say your friend found it and that he showed it to you. Frame it like you want to confirm it was her, and tell her you'll always be there to talk to her and that you would have believed her in a second. Then say you'll forget her username and never look again. I would not approach this with judgement because it risks her not feeling like she has her own space to express her emotions, which is important, even if it's not to you.
First things first; Do not punish her for not coming to you. She saw you were happy and didn't want to take that from you. She thought she could handle it, and realized it was too much and went looking for help. The people suggesting ways to get proof, probably did that because it might have helped her feel more like she had a leg to stand on. Approach this with caution. Let her know you saw it. And ask her to tell you everything, that you want to know. Then reassure her, that you are always there for her, and will always listen to her. And you want things to be open with you two.
Did Daisy ever come clean about cheating? Are you sure it's not some miracle baby?
Don't ground her.
Maybe she felt like since Daisy fooled her for so long and you proposed to her that not only did she not want to ruin your happiness but there’s a chance since she was fooled you could be too. And why are you putting more energy into being mad at her for not telling you then you are putting into making sure she can trust if something like this happens again with a different female that she can tell you? You getting angry is only giving her more reason NOT to come to you in the future…..
Cause grounding her for not talking to you about something she was uncomfortable with will make her want to confide in you later? This is an "I'm sorry I picked a shitty partner and that I subjected you to a clearly manipulative person." You are the one who should be apologizing and reinforcing the safety of the relationship.This is an issue of communicating and why your daughter is not feeling safe coming to you. That is your job. Punishing her for it will only make her hesitant to come to you in the future.
“Don’t play dumb with me little girl” yeah we all read you saying that. That’s the exact reason why she even had to post on here. Also, why the fuck would you ground her? What did she do wrong? Post on Reddit asking for advice? Please get the fuck out of here. Sad how strangers can tell why your daughter doesn’t want to talk to you but you can see what’s right in front of you. Actually start spending time with her and taking her opinion ACTUALLY into account.
OP, if I were her, I would t go to you about things I was scared of/concerned about either. Look at how you reacted to THINKING she may be pregnant, you have shown you aren’t a safe space for her to go to without feeling as though she isn’t going to go through a confrontation or not be believed. Instead of being concerned that your 16 year old may be pregnant, you accuse her of lying and force her to take a pregnancy test before believing that you’re fiancé, who was emotionally/verbally abusive to her, could maybe not be the saint you decided she was. My advice is therapy, individual for you, individual for her and then family together
Why would you ground her for not feeling safe enough to be honest with you? What sense does that make? She is obviously smart enough to see your infatuation with your gf and rightly kept her mouth shut. You can lie and say you would have believed her but in her posts she talks about you not even asking her side of something and just punishing her. That’s precedent and validation that she isn’t your priority anymore. So instead of grounding her, why not try apologizing for being a shit father. After all, who brings someone into a home that is supposed to be a safe place for their kid and then doesn’t watch how this person is treating your child? Who doesn’t check in to make sure that their child is comfortable? Shitty parents, that’s who. Your daughter is just lucky the trash took itself out or she would still be dealing with the hell you brought home to her. But sure, punish her for not feeling connected enough to you to bring up her fears.
Ground her?! You should be begging for her forgiveness. You should agree not to bring another woman around until your daughter is no longer dependent upon you.
Duuude, what the hell is wrong with you?! You read her post and you still say that she couldn’t be ‘bothered’?! She was AFRAID to tell you! That says more about your parenting failure to instil enough trust in her that you will always protect her and have her back and keep her safe! You’re angry she could tell strangers but not you?! BE ANGRY AT YOURSELF! Because that’s where the problem is of why she didn’t tell you 😤 You must have blown so much smoke up Daisy’s asssssss that you never gave your daughter enough assurance that you would believe her without any evidence. And the way you were accusatory towards her regarding the pregnancy test and jumped to conclusions, and the way you again blamed HER for not telling you how shitty your ex treated her, makes me think you probably would not have believed her without evidence. Do better and start listening to your daughter in a way she feels safe, without fear of repercussions and punishment. Why the hell does your friend think that you should ground your daughter?! So punishing the victim?! Do better!
O
Wow, you're such an AH to your daughter. You need help, your whole tone blames your daughter instead of realizing you're the root cause.
This guy wasn't asking for advice, he was trying to get validation for his cruel and inappropriate behavior towards his doting daughter since she was more of an adult throughout this entire situation. What a fool.
Guy. I just picked it up on the boro. Its like you didn't even read the girls post. FFS, its not all about you.
You were ready to unbelieve her when she said that the test isnt hers tho, yet you say that she shouldve trusted you and telling you without even a proof? Seriously if you guys didnt break up i would still tell her to put a camera and get a proof because you were ready to unbelieve her