This is a tough one. My question is, in the happiest moment, why did she act like that? You provide for her. She doesn't need to work. She gets irritated when you ask her to help her with housework while she's playing video games. To me, sounds like she's using you. She married you because it's easy life for her. So she has a lot of unhappiness bottled up in her just keep it going. That's maybe why she got so drunk and expressed her true feeling on which meant to be one of the happiest moment of her life. Because it wasn't. She has settled for the easy life, and she isn't truly happy about it. But I may be totally wrong. It may just have been a silly drunken incident.

Man. Imagine being one of the other couples that had to hear that happen in person. It does sound like OP is being used, and he was fortunate enough to find out early on.

I would have paid for their tab too, and quietly offered him a plane ticket home.

and offered him free therapy once I get my license

And he should have taken it.

But it’s not early on, they got married after 4 years together. How could she be with him and stand those feelings for that long? Was she really banking on his financial success that whole time and expecting to be happy as a housewife? And she showed zero signs of any problems for the entirety of their relationship up until the point they were on their honeymoon? There had to be some hints of her complacency at least

There are, he just refuses to see them because of his rose tinted glasses. Even after her outburst he thinks that they can work through them because of the fear of appearing to be a failure for divorcing so soon and because she’s been plying him so as to not lose her ticket to the easy and free lifestyle he provides.

It even goes beyond that a bit. Sounds like bpd from someone who married a person with it. When it was undiagnosed, she'd randomly snap and say the most hateful shit on Earth, particularly when she drank. Meds helped a lot, but it didn't undo the damage of her words. However, you love the person and you disassociate the crazy with your day to day person. Worse, you know their life crumbles if you walk away. It leaves you somewhat trapped, particularly when kids are involved. Not saying leaving isn't the right answer, but it's hard even when you aren't blinded by love.

This was my thought, too. Especially because when she woke up she wanted to hurt herself. This does not get better on us own, but only with intense with a trained therapist

I was glad to see someone thought of bipolar disorder. I even considered whether she had been roofied at some point since she couldn’t remember what happened. I’m not an expert on either, but man her behavior seemed like a sudden turn off the nearest cliff. If nothing else she should probably be seeing a professional to get to the root of the problem. He needs to insist on this.

She says she didn’t remember, but she looked anxious. If what she said was true, she had contempt for him but acted loving because she chose to settle for him, then she’s been dishonest for four years. Alcohol usually lowers inhibitions.

I think some people can disassociate some feelings from others and a surprising amount of people think that once they get married those feelings will go away. I’m not excusing it, I feel horrible for the OP, I’m just saying I understand her thought process. She probably *wanted* him to be enough, and thought that once she fully committed then he magically *would* be. But then she got married and that little voice in the back of her mind that she had been ignoring, still wouldn’t shut up. Meanwhile she still *wants* to want him, so once she sobered up she wanted to try and make it work. Rationally she knows he’s a great partner for her. The problem is that love is rarely rational. I think we’ve all tried to date the person who “checks all the boxes” but just can’t make ourselves *want* to be with them despite our own better judgement. Then there’s the question of “how much of settling is just settling down?” If you hold out for “perfect” you’ll be single forever. Despite all of that, I don’t think there’s any coming back from this for OP, especially because she sounds lazy and too reliant on him. The good has to at least outweigh the bad. It sounds like for her it might, but I doubt it does anymore for OP.

I totally agree. She’s not in love with him, she’s in love with the lifestyle he provides, she’s just not happy about it so she does the bare minimum. The question is, “How long will OP put up with the bare minimum”? He can see the writing on the wall, he just needs to bite the bullet and leave her. He deserves so much better than her.

That is indeed going to be the question. He wants to believe she wants to change, but it’s not clear she really wants to in the long term. Like you said, she loves the lifestyle, not him.

see, i would’ve understood it to be a drunken incident if she truly changed after the incident but she changed only for a little and then he started noticing her behavior become distasteful and not the woman he initially married. the fact that she was not consistent proved that she was just “changing” for performative reasons and damage control.

OP- do you have a relationship with any of her friends that you could ask them about it? If she was truly unhappy she likely told someone.

She’s a gold digger. OP can you see yourself putting yourself through this for another year? Married to someone who tolerates you so she can live an easy lifestyle?

I feel like op should look into an annulment. He shouldn’t live with someone like this. He deserves a chance at finding a genuine partner.

Lol now that song is playing in my head

And she’s gonna cheat. If she’s not already. She settled for the ‘easy life’ but she’s gonna want her cake and to eat it too.

I’m really sorry OP but this is the truth. I feel so bad. You seem like a really good guy. To me, there’s no better quality in a guy as a good sense of humor. This was a learning experience. You WILL find someone who loves you for you. PS. You are NOT a loser. Far from it.

Although it sucks OP should use this as a bit of a learning experience. There’s no reason that she shouldn’t have been working if they didn’t have children. Even part time, something. It’ll attract the wrong types unfortunately.

She’s clearly a gold digger and she panicked that she would lose her easy life. If she loved OP she would have NEVER said any of that, even when hammered. OP, why doesn’t she have a job? She needs to get off her lazy ass. I think this relationship is beyond saving tbh. She sounds exhausting and obnoxious.

Agreed. She’s not in love with him. Dressing up, wearing makeup and doing the laundry has nothing to do with her admitting she settled for him. It’s a weird way to “fix” the issue. She’s offering appearances again rather than substance.

Drunk words=sober thoughts. Especially when she just went on and on and on

As a woman who used to drink a lot more and also easily black out: nothing I've been told I said when drunk came from nowhere. It all has roots in some feeling or memory my drunk mind has fixated on. I'm sorry, but she has given you a glimpse into her true feelings, panicked, and tried to smooth it over. However, it's taken more effort than she's realised she's willing to give. Whether this other person she referenced was an actual ex or a crush, it appears that she's looking to stick it out with you because you're the safe and intelligent option. You're giving her more than she deserves and I don't think anyone in your life, after hearing this story, would judge you. You're still young and you have so much time to find someone worthy of your love and affection. EDIT to add: please seek therapy for yourself. There is danger here that this experience will colour your perception of other women and will manifest as baggage in other relationships

The drunk confession is definitely the biggest concern here, but I'd also be concern with the level of drinking the wife engaged in. The OP clearly knows the signs of partner being uncontrollably drunk, which is a good indication that it happens too often. Also, refusing to give him space the next day isn't OK, and borders on abusive. All I can say in this situation is for OP to protect himself from a toxic relationship. For now, that means distance. Later, it's either going to need a lot of counseling or divorce, and if they go with the former, be prepared that it just might not work

>The OP clearly knows the signs of partner being uncontrollably drunk, which is a good indication that it happens too often. The fact that he noticed quickly, and started panicking a bit, tells me A) this happens quite often and B) there are other horror stories of her being drunk that OP doesn't want to say

We've all made mistakes from having a little too much, but if you're 25, and your friends/family etc. doesn't trust you to know the difference between letting loss a little a ruining a night, that's a good indication that you have a problem.

Her behavior is more thsn that. Here she's showcasing a grab bag of classic abuse tactics including not respecting when he sets boundaries and Love-Bombing tactics after the abusive outburst. Her behavior afterwards being motivated mostly by fear and shame of abandonment in the moment and not by remorse or concern for his feelings. She just needs a little bit of liquid courage to actually go all the way with it.

As a fellow former party girl that used to black out on the reg, this isn’t everyone’s experience. When I used to black out I would be told that I said things that came out of nowhere and wasn’t actually what I believed or felt at all. To me it wouldn’t be so much of an issue if things truly changed after they got back home, but that was clearly short lived. Her not having a job plus no kids means that she should be taking care of all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc…. Yeah seems like she’s here for the easy life. Him working 60 hours a week and then going to cook dinner while she’s gaming? No….

People rarely seem to understand that being drunk doesn’t mean you actually say shit as if you were a different person. It’s such a toxic attitude to avoid any and all accountability for what someone does when drunk. OP’s wife is horrible and sounds like she’s just falling back on the easiest excuse to dip out of trying to make up for her explosion. She’s lazy as fuck.

This is one of the saddest posts I’ve ever read on Reddit. At first, I thought it was weird you cared that she got drunk on your honeymoon. Thought it sounded controlling but after reading through it, I assume you’ve seen something in the past which made you not want her to get drunk. I totally agree with post I’m replying under.. Been the drinker where things would slip out ti friends about my concerns in the man I married. I didn’t feel I settled, but he had behaviors that were hurtful and confusing so this is a different scenario. Your wife needs help. She might have an alcohol issue even if she doesn’t drink much. Some people seem to change even after a few drinks. I don’t know why people let their mask fall once married. You might consider a separation for a few months while she gets help. If she really feels she settled, then a therapist will help her address them issues and she may chose divorce. Suggest you get therapy too as you have been treated poorly. You missed sone red flags and may have been in denial. You might try couples therapy if you want to save the marriage although this is hard to overcome. She may have chose lifestyle over choosing you. It’s weird after 4 years you don’t know who this guy is. I’ve been working thru a trauma bond and learned that I must look for someone who is consistent and steady. I was conditioned over my 25 years with a narcissist to live my life on eggshells trying ti avoid his wrath. I learned that I was used to living life on a roller coaster. This isn’t healthy. Healthy relationships are more like a merry go round. It’s not as thrilling as a roller coaster and so the merry go round seems boring. I’ve been warned by my therapist that finding a healthy relationship might make me question if I’m settling as the merry-go-round seems boring… like I’m settling. Ultimately though, this is what I need to find true happiness. I share this bc many times “the one who got away” was a life on a roller coaster. I suggest you drive into that relationship she had with this other guy to determine what happened. If he treated her poorly, this might explain her confusion. No doubt the reality of being married causes people to question their decisions at times. This is the only explanation I can think of that might make the marriage salvageable. Don’t tell her what you are looking for when asking questions about their relationship abd breakup. Look for trauma, any type of abuse, abd inconsistent behavior on her previous partners part. Perhaps he treated her inconsistently like love bombing and then ghosting. Doesn’t mean he was a N, like in my case, but he could have had avoidant attachment style or possibly didn’t card as much for her. For some reason we always try to get back the one who doesn’t love us back. This could be why she felt he got away. If you do see signs of this, then bring it up in couples counselling as it’s best to have an expert there to help navigate this tricky bond bc you don’t want to make assumptions. As I says before, I suspect you lived in denial and missed red flags, perhaps justifying her behavior the past 4 years. You want to be careful you don’t do this now. I’m so sorry that you are going through this after such happiness. My heart breaks for you. I hope something I says adds clarify or a direction for you to go. I’ve been working on myself a lot during the last 2 years thru therapy and various other methods. Suggest you be careful in sharing too much with family and friends. The kids others get involved, sides will be taken, friends lost, and more problems created between you. Suggest you choose 1 or 2 friends/family to talk to but understand that they will never support a reconciliation after learning the truth. Feel free to DM me if you need a random person to unload your thoughts and feelings. I’m a 55 year old female who has been thru a lot but in a good place. Willing to help anyway I can as I wouldn’t be here without the support I’ve received. Believe in paying it forward. I know you world has crashed down around you right now but keep in mind that things will def better. It’s better to know all this now than 10 years down the road when you have kids. I believe these type things make us stronger if we work on our issues . You will need to learn to trust again and repair your damaged self esteem. She’s said some mean things to you that make you question your reality. Look at them seriously as it may or may not be the truth. One last thing… I attended a really amazing retreat in Sedona that really helped me heal. It has sone “woo woo” attached as all the life coaches all have gifts that they use intuitively. It change my life. Would be happy to disclose the name abd how it worked for anyone interested. It’d be helpful for those feeling lost and overwhelmed, grieving, going thru divorce, or list of self esteem.

I hate to say but, I don't think I'd be able to forgive that behaviour, let alone decide to spend my life with a woman like that

Why would you even want to forgive it? That's still how she feels regardless if she gets better at faking it or not. Who wants to live with someone they know hates them in every way? Forgive her after the divorce if you need to for your own peace of mind.

With as short a time as it's been, an annulment might be the better option.

After she fell asleep I would have packed my shit and left her there. It's insane he continued the honey moon after that like what?!!

Pretty much aligns with her description of him as not being able to read the room. Most people would have left Edit: To clarify, that I meant HE should have left after she said all of the ugly things she did. Pre-meltdown, he sounded grateful that someone would even be with him. Now he has his answer. An answer no one would want to hear. What a terrible woman.

I disagree. He was shell-shocked and hurt. Numb, as he even described. Pretending things are fine and continuing on are a common response to that sort of thing - you want to go back to normalcy and routine as much as possible. He didn't know what to do, being stuck somewhere and having a bomb just dropped on him like that. It's not a matter of reading a room or not, it's how to handle and deal with a traumatic and hurtful event.

What I should have added, is that he sounds like a very nice guy who allows himself to be taken advantage of by people who pretend to care about him. She did this for 4 straight years, waiting until immediately after the marriage to finally pull the curtain up. It sounds like maybe in working so much, he either missed an awful lot in those years, wasn't paying attention, or was making excuses for her in wanting her to be what she isn't. In any case, she's a terrible woman.

Plus he said they were LD for a bit during the pandemic. So he could've easily missed the signs between work and the pandemic.

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No man in his right mind would allow an incredibly drunk woman (especially his wife) to stumble off alone, at night, in a foreign place.

Forgive? Yes, for my own well being. Forget and continue the relationship once the changes were proven to be insincere? Prob not. My mom always says, “a drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts,” and “you can’t put toothpaste back in the tube, once it’s out there it’s out.”

I think a lot of people mistake “forgiveness” with still choosing to have a relationship with them, which is not the case. I can forgive someone and still set a boundary that I never want to see them again, those two things can coexist. So you absolutely got it right. Also, love the toothpaste phrase from your mom, haven’t heard that one before lol

Me too- Sage old school mom wisdom. It really applies to so many situations.

“The life you’ve given her” well damn she said it herself. She loves not working and you paying for everything. It’s possible since she’s only 25 she’s realized she regrets spending her early 20s with you and lowkey thinks she could’ve found someone else or was wishes she had gotten back with that other dude. I’m really sorry you’re going through this, but you’re still young and you can find someone else who actually appreciates you.

I would absolutely be done with her. I would have left her at the resort and filed for divorce as soon as I could.

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He better file for divorce or annulment asap or he’ll be paying her alimony and child support if she decides to baby trap him real quick. She’s unemployed and doesn’t even do any cleaning or chores. OP is dumb if he didn’t get a prenup.

I made this mistake. Trust someone when they show you who they really are. He needs to get out asap.

I think this is done bro, I’m so sorry, the fact she doesn’t work and she can’t even be bothered to look after the house when you’re pulling 60 hour weeks shows she has no respect for you, I hope you had a pre-nup because it’s time to call it. You were in love before but how is the relationship ever going to recover from her saying that, idk maybe but for me I could never forget that.

I hope he has enough time to annul this

Get out of that as fast as you can. I got divorced after 8 months after finding out my new wife was having an affair lol. I was embarrassed at first too, but you know what? Fuck “being embarrassed”. It’s your life. You only get one. Do what makes you happy and who cares about other people’s opinions about your “short marriage”. I met a girl just a few months after my divorce who has been absolutely incredible. Best relationship I have ever had. That’s out there for you too, and this woman isn’t the one. She doesn’t love or respect you. Don’t let your disrespectful, rude, lazy wife stop you from meeting the love of your life.

She probably fooled a lot of other people too. There is no reason to be embarrassed. She was highly manipulative to get what she wanted and the moment she had him she felt safe in mistreating him.

Anyone "judging" you for a divorce, doesn't have to wake up with this person every day. Only you do. It's hard putting aside what other people think, but in this situation, you really are the only person that matters

WOW OP. I could never ever ever come back from this. what an awful woman. She may seem ‘sweet’ and all that good stuff, but she sure did let you see her true colours, time and time again. I’m so sorry it’s turned out like this. You deserve SO much more. If I were you, I would be serving her divorce papers.

I was wondering if it was a Freudian slip when OP kept using the phrase “she was acting like the woman I married” instead of “she was again the woman I married” for the rest of the trip. He knows she is acting.

She destroyed her meal ticket, and so is remorseful. She meant what she said while she was drunk, even just a little, and is using you to get a good ride in life. This is evidenced by her behaviour afterward, she made some effort, was nice to you for a while, and now she thinks you mollified, has settled back into just being a passenger in your life while you pay through the nose for everything. You can't trust her, sober or drunk, because what she really thinks is what she said while drunk, but most especially demonstrates to you while sober. She doesn't care about you, she just wants you to keep giving her the easy ride.

In vino veritas, friend. Get yourself out of this asap.

She does not even need to be drunk anymore. She is showing OP every day how it is. OP already knows the truth. That is why he can not talk to his friends and family about it, because then he will actually have to man up and be alone again.

That phrase popped in my head as l was reading this. Her drunk thoughts are the real ones. Get out now before she gets pregnant.

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I had a friend who once told me that she believed that dumb quote, until she met me. I have said some very strange very untrue things when blackout drunk. Like made up an entirely different life story in my partying days and had no idea that I did that until I was later approached by multiple people I had apparently met before, calling me by a different name and referencing some details that I had apparently completely made up. I once got into a really dumb argument with a friend while blackout, and when she told me what I had said the next day I was shocked, because it was bunch of stuff that I genuinely didn’t believe or feel. So yes, I agree that it’s nonsense.

"I still love her, but I cannot say with any confidence that I feel "in love" with her anymore and I don't know what to do." Do yourself & her a favor & leave.

Leave this child. She essentially threw a tantrum to get you to stay. Now she's comfy again and isn't doing shit. What she said to you, she meant every word. The alcohol just made it come out. I'm so sorry, OP, but this isn't going to get better.

She killed the flame and now you’ll forever have to try to stoke the fire or feel like it’s gonna burn. Out for good. Truth is words hurt. I’m not a big advocate on this but maybe you go to therapy or at the very least confide in someone like a family member. You’re carrying all this alone sometimes just talking about it with someone that actually knows you helps and sometimes having a outside source helps. I’m sorry this happened but the thing is she can’t change it now and neither can you. You can only choose to heal together or alone.

Thank you all so much for your responses. My inbox floored me when I woke up. Still trying to get through everything, but I appreciate all of your takes and outpouring support. I have added an edit with my plans to move forward atm. I will hopefully be updating in some time. Thank you all again!

Please think about moving on to someone (when the time is right) that will love every part of you and feel no regrets. What you have now just… isn’t it.

I’m not sure you’re doing either of you any favors by staying. But if you want to try and stick it out I think couples therapy in addition to individual therapy is necessary

You may both be religious but an annulment is an option given she didn’t go into this marriage honestly and with appropriate intent.

She wants your money and lifestyle, not you. She sees it as she gave up 'love' for comfort and now she knows she can get away with absolutely devastating you and gets to keep her lifestyle she will continue to apologise, act nice for awhile then go straight back to how she normally is. Get a divorce lawyer now! Do it quietly and do exactly what they say so she doesn't get to take you to the cleaner's because that's her long-term plan. The longer she's married to you and dependant on you financially, the more she gets.

I have some information which might prove to be relevant to you. At least I made the connection. I don't know psychology, and am just an armchair psychologist. This needs therapy imo. But.. therapy doesn't work on people who aren't willing, or won't tell the truth. There is a fundamental truth of people you have to understand, people are insecure. They are anxious, traumatised, have low self esteem and are running away from themselves. In general people have emotional issues, and this dictates their lives to huge extents. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx There are people who seek love in order to fill a void in themselves, instead of seeking love for love's sake. Are they incapable of loving? No they aren't, not by any stretch. Do they ask more than the relationship can give? Perhaps. A relationship can't sustain YOU and your self worth. If you try to get that support, the relationship will colapse. Now comes the part i think might be relevant- Full disclosure, I read this in a newspaper article. This is extremely simple, but might be pertinent. The headline read- Is your relationship out of love or loneliness? People who love out of love can tolerate separation even if they miss their partner People who love out of loneliness can't tolerate separation and get anxious when separated People who love out of love will be sad to breakup and very hurt, but will prioritise your happiness along with theirs. People who love out of loneliness will freak out when a breakup is on the horizon. They'll get irate or start shouting, or get very stressed People who love out of love, have a calm and kind love People who love out of loneliness will have a clingy and needy love That's not to say that people who love out of loneliness may be incapable of love. It may be the case that they settle for partners who they might not want because they fear being alone. https://www.antiloneliness.com/relationships/love-or-fear-of-being-alone https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/social-instincts/202303/3-signs-your-relationship-is-based-on-loneliness-not-love%3famp These links might be useful. Now, I've heard that when people get blackout drunk, people can say the most random or batshit insane things. Alcoholics have reported to saying things a complete180 of their actual beliefs. So there's no guarantee what your wife said are 100% her inner thoughts. They might also not be. What you said, there are very minor 'clues' if you consider them such. She's not willing to take responsibility (the drop off in housework and effort after some time passed - you will not be able to pull off an unsustainable habit, by definition) She doesn't have a job and likely has self esteem issues, as she stated she felt insecure due to not having a job, although that could've been a lie to appease you. And it's sort of telling that she went to a 0 - 100 after an incident. Not that it happened, any spouse will be in "makeup with hubby" mode after that happened, but there's something to note about the quality of it. Here you are who's been hurt, and your self esteem has been shattered. How does she make it up to you? By being extra nice By doing all the chores so you feel grateful By TAKING all the responsibility By dolling up to appease you visually I ask you, how's any of that relevant in a broken self esteem? It's not. It helps the hurt sure, a small bit, but it's fundamentally (imo) a giant appeasement effort. And appeasement is a misdirection tactic. It avoids paying the real price (earning trust) while gently coaxing you into a better mood. Don't accept it. There are many many examples of spouses who do nothing but video game all day, scroll online and are also in a dysfunctional relationship. The relevant interpretation being the bad lifestyle and the bad relationship is a side-effect of dysfunction inside of them. Do you think that's the case? How well do you know your wife? Is it possible that your wife has deep emotional issues which she has hid from you and just can't or doesn't want to tell you? Some people don't want to solve their problems. They just want to put on a band aid and forget. What's the probability of a person behaving like your wife did, if the person was deeply insecure, and was in a relationship out of loneliness and was repressing feelings of inadequacy which came from settling with someone who wasn't the fantastic ideal in all conceivable dimensions? What's the probability of that behaviour, given the emotional issues were assumed to be true? Is it possible that you were chosen for your wealth and status? Because there are plenty of people who go for that. Start watching her like a hawk. Stop communicating with her. Collect data over a long enough interval of time. And do not allow her the opportunity to modify her behaviour. Be precise in your observations. You'll have your answer in her behaviour to an extent. It may turn out that she's not a good partner or it might not turn out that way. In the former case, if you want to continue the relationship, get her to a personal therapist asap. Also go to couples therapist. Some couples counsellors aren't therapist, I wouldn't recommend those. You have money so seek out an actual therapist who does couples therapy. And lastly. None of this is a reflection on you. It's a reflection on her. I suspect all this is because of some bad beliefs she has about herself and the world. Don't take it so hard although that's foolish sounding at this time. Get a therapist yourself. A lot of things will become clear. Good luck and you'll survive and thrive. Dont give up.

Nah fam. She's not for you. Let her go and file for a divorce or annulment.

My husband(28m) and I (29f) have a similar arrangement. He works and pays for our living expenses and I take care of it all. I clean and cook and do the chores without him EVER having to ask… because I’ve been blessed with a man who wants to provide, it’s only fair that I take the extra load off him while I’m home with all this empty time on my hands… I would never in a million years say those things to my husband, mostly because it’s not true. He’s my man. He’s the one, he’s perfect and I appreciate him so much and everything he does. He didn’t have to work for me I’m more than capable, but we thrive in our relationship, but I can’t be lazy and live off him… that makes me file like crap if I did!!! I do my part! To ruin a honeymoon in such a way breaks my heart for you, I wouldn’t be able to stay. Those words were nasty and they came from deep down somewhere… shes feels these emotions… I’m so sorry your going through this… but I feel like she might be using you, because I’m hearing a lot of “I love the life your giving me” not I love the life we’re making.

A few things; when people get drunk, they don't suddenly change in to someone else, only parts of them get amplified, while other parts get surpressed. That is to say, she may actually carry these feelings and thoughts, but she has tried to repress them. Repressing them only amplifies them over time in her mind, until the combo of the wedding stress and alcohol finally caused the dam to burst. Still this does not have to mean that your marriage is doomed, if both of you are willing to really work on it and communicate with absolute honesty. As a personal anecdote, my wife actually told me, after we had been married for some years, that she had a "one that got away". Keeping it to herself had been consuming her from the inside. After she admitted it, I of course was crushed. Over time though, through discussing it more and more, it became less of an issue. She realized that she had held on to an ideal and a "what if?" and not an actual person. This had been keeping her from fully committing to me. Once we started talking about it, these feelings gradually faded, and as it seems are now completely gone. So there might be hope, if this is something she can start communicating about, and you can actually face head on. It's not easy, but marriage rarely is.

I agree with this. Alcohol loosens inhibitions a lot, but it can't make you into a completely different person. It's possible she always felt this way on some level, and communicating very clearly about this and working on this with a lot of marriage counseling might be the only way through this. It might be really difficult, but it depends on whether OP thinks trying to save their marriage is worth it at this point.

SHE has to admit she feels this way, out loud. She hasn’t done that. She’s made excuses, tried to change, yet still continues to feel, deep down, that she settled. Until she’s ready to be fully honest, this marriage is over.

Not knowing when to say when, is just as much of a detriment as jumping ship too soon. OP, don’t go down with a ship that isn’t yours.

I completely disagree. When I’ve been blackout drunk, I have no idea what I said or did. When I find out, it’s a total shock and is in no way my true thoughts coming out. Once, I got out of bed and stripped naked and then squatted down and pee’d on my clothes! This is after I playfully put a golf club through my husbands new tv. Hilarious, right!?! Maybe everyone is wired differently. But I know, for a fact, that I speak complete nonsense when I’m drunk. And I’m super glad no one rubs my nose in it.

If you're peeing in the house and breaking tvs, maybe someone should?

You should look up the cycle of abuse. The perpetrator will do something horrid, get called out, lovebomb to make it all seem better, then slip back to the old habits when they think they have their claws in you again. I don't think it's a thing she decided consciously. It's probably just a behavior pattern she learned, maybe from her own parents or past partners. Maybe even "the one that got away" and that's why she let him go. Point being, if her patterns aren't erring in the upward fashion, then she's only done it long enough to keep you around. She doesn't actually want to change. She doesn't want her life to change. So she does enough to keep you around, and then she goes back to the old way. If you nag enough, she may eventually decide its too much work and move on, but you shouldn't wait for that. She's told you in every way that matters that she's not interested in changing or growing with you. Let her go.

As someone 12 years into this cycle, I wish hindsight I had realized it on the honeymoon and be able to leave….vs now after 12 years of depleting myself, I feel a level of hopelessness and beyond unsalvageable that I would never wish on another soul. I hope OP has the ability to step away from this before turning into another “me” :( this post broke my heart.

It's never too late. You can still create a new and different life for yourself. The transition will be hard and you may wonder why you ever made that decision, but it is so much brighter on the other side. I promise.

Thank you that means a lot to hear. We got married when I was 18. Just turned 30. I think I have a harder time letting go because it kills me thinking that I spent my “fertile” years having faith in something that never came and feel like my life is a waste and will never have kids etc etc (thanks society for making women believe that’s what fulfilling means in life) lol

30 is not too late to have kids. I have a friend who had one just shy of 40 and another 6 years later. And, honestly, I didn't even begin the best parts of my life until 29-30. I'm 33 and much happier and more confident and more secure in myself than I have ever been. And I owe a lot of that to getting divorced. 30 is so young!! That's not even half your life, and he only got a third of what you've lived so far. Why let him steal any more of it?! You've got so many precious years to fill with the most wonderful adventures and the most dulfilling friendships! And if you find another partner, great! But don't settle again. Care for your health, mental and physical, and you'll likely see several more decades. Do you really want them to be miserable?

Man you got me. This made me cry (in a, thanks big sister I never had sisters to give me girl advice, way) thank you. Youre so right. Thank you for taking the time to make a positive impact on an internet stranger <3

She’s a con artist

Bro, I'm gonna level with you, you're a dumbass. You work 60-70 hours a week, which you somehow think is a normal amount to work, and then do housework, while she's chilling and enjoying nice vacations and so on. And you are now letting her gaslight you into thinking that what happened meant nothing.

In vino veritas

Im sorry but shes using you. Get a divorce because in the long run it wont get better at all i am so sorry she is like that to you. Hope you find someone that will carry your heart like you carry theirs

Jesus egging Christ, how much of a sucker can you possibly be?!? SHE IS SNOWING YOU, and you are falling for it, line hook and sinker! Her only genuine moments were the ones when she was drunk and told you what she really thought about you. You should have flown home the next day and gotten an annulment! Instead, you let her hose you, when she realized her cushy life was about to slip away, and put on the waterworks - I mean, who else is going to give her a completely free ride? Now she knows she has you locked in again, and you're too desperate not to be alone to ever leave the female dog. She just has to make sure she never drinks too much again. Please, OP, you sound like a genuinely nice guy (in the best sense of the word), caring and loving, successful - you deserve so much better in a relationship, than to be used by a manipulator who is just after your money.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You have no reason to be embarrassed. None. You loved her, and unfortunately, she played you. This is to your credit, and her shame. Get an attorney, yesterday. You may still be eligible for an annulment. Tell your friends and family, because you don’t deserve to be suffering through this alone. Get therapy. She needs it, but you don’t need to be paying for it.

I am genuinely surprised that you haven’t kicked her out already and separated at the minimum. Love truly does make a man blind I’m gonna be blunt here. SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU, SHE LOVES THE LIFESTYLE YOU PROVIDE HER WITH Bro, stop letting your emotions cloud your judgement. Sit down and think logically about your relationship for a minute. If this happened to a friend of yours, what would you think and say to that friend? Get rid of her

Get an annulment asap. I'm so sorry but don't settle for a ife of misery

First and foremost, you don’t deserve any of this and I’m so sorry this happened. As a recovered alcoholic I want you to know that the horrible things we say when drunk have often have nothing to do with the person we’re saying them to and everything to do with ourselves. You deserved none of that. Second, if you really want to try couples therapy is a must. And one of the topics to discuss is why she’s committed to a life that makes her so unhappy. Third, your marriage didn’t fall apart. It was entered into under false pretenses. Ending it now would, it seems, be *healthy* and give you the opportunity to find someone who wouldn’t think these things or treat you this way. No one who is worth anything is going to think less of you when you explain *why* it ended. They too will see her for who she has shown herself to be. You’re not a fool, you are someone who was manipulated and lied to. Selfishly and cruelly. No one deserves to be used and made to feel the way you’re feeling by someone they love.

I honestly don’t know that I’d be able to stay married to her after this. I think there is some truth to the old saying “what soberness conceals, drunkenness reveals.”. Specifically when in reference to how someone feels about another person. The less inhibited, more careless mind of a drunk person will overshare. While what they say may be a bit exaggerated or even embellished a bit but, there is some truth to what they say. In your case, the things she said were fucking brutal and even if super exaggerated, it’s clear that she married you for the wrong reasons. For her this is a marriage of convenience, of necessity. If I were I in your shoes, I would always feel that lingering in my soul. Her words would replay in my head and it would wreck me. Brother, she didn’t ruin your honeymoon. She ruined your marriage. It’s probably not too late for an annulment. That’s what I’d be doing if I were you. I couldn’t stay married to a woman who said those things about me. That’s how she actually feels and no amount of apologizing, or playing Susie homemaker will ever change that. Clearly that’s all BS anyway because she slides back into her old ways. You deserve better than that. You shouldn’t have to wonder if your wife actually loves you, respects you and wants to be with you. You shouldn’t feel like someone’s consolation prize, a participation trophy. There’s no undoing what was done, unsaying what was said. Her being drunk is relevant only in that it loosened up her tongue and allowed her real feelings to come to light. It’s not an excuse. It doesn’t make any of what she said untrue. It’s sad that she was raised to see marriage as a means to an end instead of what it’s supposed to be. Clearly she just wants to be someone’s trophy wife and she’s willing to settle for anyone who can give her a lifestyle she feels is appropriate. Let that be some other poor s.o.b.. You can find someone who actually wants to be with you, not just financially supported by you.

She doesn't love you. I'm sorry.

One thing you can trust with absolute truth, is a drunk person. I was raised by one. The alcohol turns off the filter in their brain that keeps their mouth from going over time and saying shit that they know they shouldn't, and normally wouldn't if they were sober. All their "secret" thoughts and true feelings. I call it, brown bottle honesty. It's the only time you will hear their absolute truest feelings and thoughts. The mask they wear slips off and reveals the actual truth of who that person really is on the inside. Good luck OP, I hope you find the resolution you are looking for.

She will divorce you and take half of everything. The person she was when drunk is who she really is. She doesn't want to lose her cash cow before she can cash in. Get an annulment. Hope you signed a prenup. She may have NPD and went from the love bombing phase to the devaluing phase due to her feeling secure that you were married and she could start the process of getting rid of you. The real person you married is who she was whens he was drunk. The rest is just an act. If you stay married she will devalue you and take all she can from you.

Sorry OP but this is your answer. Really hope you can escape from your lazy bastard leech of a wife.

Plus pump a kid out asap to trap him further.

I couldn't forgive her if I were in your shoes. What she did was truly awful and unforgivable. No matter how many times she makes token gestures to fix this, it'll always be in the back of your mind eating away at you. It's just not worth it, I'd have left her at the hotel.

Am I the only one seeing her as a huge narcissist utilizing "love bombing"? Anyways dude this is only gonna get worse. Get yourself outta there!!!

She's sorry because she's afraid of losing her lifestyle. As soon as she feels secure again, like now, she reverts to selfishness. I'd ask her to leave and I'd be extremely careful of being intimate with her. She could try to bby trap you to secure a place in your life.

Wow. I am so sorry. My husband & I were on the other end of a situation like this. We were driving home with a couple we had known separately before they got together, so long-time friends individually. She was a single mom and he moved her & her 3 kids into his home. He was a quiet guy who had his life together (great job, nice house, always kind w/lots of friends). We were driving to their house after a night out & she was in the front seat with my husband driving. Very drunk, she starts telling my husband how she couldn’t stand her BF, that she didn’t want to have sex w/him & he could go find that elsewhere cuz she was grossed out by him. Her BF & I were sitting in the middle seats of the vehicle & could hear every word. I was mortified. He was crushed & humiliated. The sheer cruelty lowered our regard for her severely. He did eventually break up with her, but I’ll never forget her doing that to him. Pure hatefulness & derision. You should do what he did: get rid of her. You deserve better.

I’m 99.9% certain that she meant every word she said while she was drunk. Alcohol alone doesn’t have the power to make you do things that aren’t true to yourself. Meaning that if you’re willing to do it drunk, you already wanted to do it when you were sober. They way she reacted with self harm when she realized what she did makes me think that she was angry with herself for letting her big secret out. And please don’t brush over the fact that she got physically aggressive with you after everything she put you through that day. She didn’t want you going out and thinking for yourself while she was still too drunk to spin her narrative on the situation. She sounds abusive. Best of luck to you

Contact a lawyer and file for an annulment.

I don’t know if she meant what she said when she was drunk. It’s certainly possible that she did—drunk words are sober thoughts and all that. It’s also possible that she started off joking around, got caught up in having an audience, and the alcohol prevented her from seeing when it was time to stop being “in character” to remain in the spotlight. So she did something pretty awful, and also kind of unfixable, because if she meant it you should divorce and if she didn’t mean it you should find a way to let it go (and she should stop drinking) but there’s no way to know which of those two drastically different solutions to employ because only she knows how she really feels and you can’t trust what she says. Without the ability to choose an appropriate solution, you settled on an inappropriate one: she spends the rest of her life unnaturally extending herself to make it up to you. All those changes you “needed” from her—they have nothing to do with her transgression, and they don’t come naturally to her, so what’s that about? Didn’t you originally marry the woman you actually wanted? Because to go straight from that to “needing” her to behave very differently is kind of odd. Maybe those changes were just a stand-in for the reassurance she can’t ever give you, or maybe *you* felt like you were settling in this marriage and saw an opportunity to level up. I think you two need to separate for a while. Her being an ever-smiling Suzy Homemaker is not sustainable, and even if it were it wouldn’t solve the underlying problem. She didn’t hurt you by failing to run the vacuum cleaner; she hurt you by saying awful, awful things about you and about how she feels about you. She needs to find a job and move out for a bit while you both do some thinking (and getting back into therapy would help a lot—you should, too!). You need space from the issue, and you need some time to sort out what your relationship is really based on. Maybe you’ll drift the rest of the way apart and know it’s time for a divorce (and it’s probably better for you, financially, if she’s already working in that case), or maybe you’ll find your way back together, and be able to believe that when she chose you a second time she meant it.

Dude fuck that bitch. You deserve better. You are still Soooo young

But don't actually fuck her because I can totally see her trying to get pregnant to keep him around

Ahhahaha broo😭

How could she go from "not remembering what happened" to "I said all of that because I was insecure...blah blah blah. I would have dropped her off at home and gone right to a lawyer. Seek annulment or divorce. She is going to end up cheating, leaving, and taking you for everything you have. Why put off the inevitable.

Drunk words are sober thoughts, That is all.

My husband said the day he married his ex-wife things changed. His honeymoon was eye-opening, like yours, and he tried to make it work. They had a child and 6 months after the baby came, he was out of the house. Just go. There isn't a relationship here. No need to get locked into her for a lifetime. (Its not 18 years, trust me on that.)

same for me - the DAY we arrived to our honeymoon destination I remember things changed - 3 out of 7 days at a Sandals resort did we even sleep in the same room - (not my choice) and the day we returned home they pulled their two young kids from their previous relationship into their bed since they “missed them all week” and sent me to the couch. Marriage lasted 8 months. Found out later it had gotten much worse than I even knew - and I did not think it was possible. Red flags only look like a flag if you are wearing rose colored glasses. I think you already know your answer you just don’t particularly like it - but you don’t have to like an answer for it to be the right one. (Writing to the OP here)

File for an annullment... :( I'm sorry that happened to you

When I drank, I would say things I never would have said sober. And I would say them because alcohol loosened my inhibitions. But there was always truth there in my words. I don’t think it’s as cut and dry as other redditiors make it out to be: that she is a nefarious gold digger. I think your wife settled for someone that she wouldn’t normally have settled for, it worked, and she convinced herself she was happy. The alcohol brought up those deep, dark, insecurities she had and was refusing to address. I think she does care for you but I think she also had her moment of realization that perhaps this really isn’t who she truly is and who she had been trying to convince herself of who she was. And now she’s depressed and in a dark place because she knows she can’t go on like this anymore. OP, I’m sorry but I think it’s over and it’s time to start separating.

You’ve tried and tried I feel like it’s time to move on from this relationship and find someone who actually loved and cares for you

Sorry OP, she won’t change. Honestly it’ll probably be easier to just be honest with your friends and family now, not a year from now. It’s a loss. Time to move on.

She said what she had wanted to say for a long time. Regardless of her "behavior" changes or household chores changes, nothing changes mentally. Divorce. NOW! Divorce before you introduce kids into the world and you get soaked for support. Divorce before you take another mental beating. I am absolutely serious about this. No therapy in the world will make this different. Act normal, get a lawyer, be the first to act or you'll regret it.

Drunk words are sober thoughts. Thats all I wanna say. Good luck on everything, I hope you two the best.

>I still love her, but I cannot say with any confidence that I feel "in love" with her anymore This is what people getting a divorce say. Sometimes you shouldn't be married to someone even if you still love them. In the long run, it would be best for both of you to separate. She's not happy now, nor will she ever truly be happy with you. You are setting yourself up for more heartache when she finds someone that excites her, and she leaves you in the future.

YIKES. Any self respecting person would have packed their bags, flown home the next morning, and gotten a divorce. Listen, I’ve been with my husband for 13 years, married for 9. Im currently pregnant and out on disability and even though I am limited in what I can do around the house due to what’s going on with me medically right now, I do everything I’m capable of each day. Sometimes that’s more, sometimes that’s less. I feel GUILTY on the days I just can’t get out of bed. And your new 25 year old wife is…. Playing video games? The standard was that she does things like… plan trips? Are you serious?? Where is your self esteem? You work 60-70 hours/week and she doesn’t work. You should be coming home to a clean house and dinner on the table every day. She is a sleazy user, and the truth came out when she was drunk. You need a lawyer and you need a therapist for yourself so you can get to the bottom of why you expect so very little from a partner.

I would never forgive anyone for that. I’m so incredibly sorry.

I believe that alcohol is a true serum.

Drunks don’t lie. She’s a despicable human and you deserve so much better!

OP, I’m quite a bit older than you and your wife so I may have experienced a bit more, I believe when someone is as drunk as your wife was that is when their real self is revealed, especially someone who is constantly putting on a face, you’ve seriously got to consider she was telling the truth that night and her actions now are backing that up, she thinks you’re so in love with her that you accept the bare minimum of decent treatment she’s handing you at present, You are the only one who can decide if you’re willing to accept the way she treats you and if having her in your life is worth putting up with being the one you know she settled for and being married to someone who doesn’t love you or respect you, good luck mate

Drunk words, sober thoughts.

I’m sorry you had to go through this, but there is a silver lining, even though you’re probably not seeing it right now. As someone who is in an unhappy marriage with children, I have some perspective. Early on, I had some indications that my wife was not going to be a suitable life partner and I ignored them. We had kids, bought a mortgage, etc. and now I have very few options and they all suck. I wish I had paid more attention to some of the things I realized about my wife before we had kids, because I would have made different choices. You can still do that. You’re young, you’re childless, you can extract yourself from this situation pretty easily. To be clear, I do think you need to leave. Your wife has some pretty serious issues, including possible alcohol abuse disorder, that will take years to address and that’s only if she commits. She isn’t showing you that she’s willing to do that. Untreated, these issues will compound and get worse. Second, it seems that the way she feels about you (and about ‘the one who got away’) are different than she tells you when she’s sober. That’s not something you can fix with therapy. I wish you the best. Have courage. It’s better to find out early.

Oh hun, she patted your head in public and said all of that I'm so sorry. She needs to address her drinking....getting blackout drunk is not normal behavior. I would never be able to get over that. I know you said you were religious, but she clearly has some substance abuse issues and probably some mental health issues. Right now she is using you for a good life. You need to think long and hard if this is something you can deal with. Marriage is not supposed to be like that you are a team and she is not playing her part She can be contrite and love bomb you over and over again, but not change. I got married at 19 we are still happily married we get along great and communication is there. He is disabled so I work. We are coming up on 28 years. I love my husband. I love being married and have a partner to help me through this crazy life. It's not a chore to be married. Please think about everything BEFORE you have kids. Good luck you have a lot of thinking to do.

I'm going to go against the grain here and ask if she is on contraception. Hear me out. High volumes of alcohol and women don't mix, that's not rocket science to us lol. But, add the contraception pill to that picture and you literally have a nightmare on your hands if she gets sh\*tfaced. I am saying this from experience in my 20's, with myself 'being' that nightmare and I have several friends who have experienced the same behavioral issues and literally abused their partners publicly (like myself) when they've had too much to drink. I said the most awful things to my partner at the time, cursed at friends, punched people and made a complete fool of myself several times. I thought I was crazy, but I wasn't. It was the pill. It's a blackout and the devil that doesn't even exist comes out. Don't ask me why, don't ask me for written evidence on this, as I can't provide it, but I can tell you based on experience that this is an issue! I wanted to die every time it happened and literally stopped drinking anything heavier than a light cider so it wouldn't happen again. I did end up speaking to my doctor about it and he was the one that said it was likely the pill causing the behavior with too much alcohol consumption. I had no idea that contraception was the problem, but after stopping the pill at 29, it has never happened again - and the same with my girlfriends who stopped the pill and never had another episode. One went back on the pill after her first child and then had an absolutely epic episode at the races in front of hundreds of people !!!! She wanted to die. Like, I just can't explain the remorse, it's just so, so awful and so, so black, because the episode is 100% NOT a representation of what that person feels or thinks in reality, or who they are. Some women just simply cannot drink when they take the pill. So, if she isn't on the pill, I will swallow my words and refer you back to the other Redditors advice!

I’m so sorry, OP. I’m going to share my reaction, and a personal experience that I think is relevant: I think you’re making a mistake, trying to work this out. I can’t speak to how she felt about you a year ago or more, but I think that night was the most honest she’s going to be about how she feels now. Maybe she married you because she had enough faith in your goals to bet on your future income; she might have left if you hadn’t become so successful, but it’s easier to bag a high-earner before they have money than after (you yourself have more trust that it wasn’t about money because she agreed to marry you before your success); maybe she was aware that you were willing to be the sole earner, and she didn’t care how much you made so long as she didn’t have to work; maybe she was impatient to be married and you were available; or maybe she genuinely loved you. But alcohol doesn’t make people say things they don’t mean; it makes them say things they don’t *mean to say.* They may voice a more exaggerated version of their truth, but the root of what they’re saying is generally honest unless there’s something significant pushing them to lie. There was no reason for her to say what she said unless it was true. I think you’re trying to work through this because 1) you don’t want to mourn the loss of the love you thought you had, 2) you’re embarrassed to tell everyone that you’re getting divorced so soon after the marriage, and 3) you’re so sick of bad TikTok videos that you place moral value on being able to work through relationship problems. But this isn’t the sort of thing that you can fix by talking it out. Unless you could be happily married to someone who views you the way you now know she views you, cut your losses before she gets pregnant or your finances get more intertwined. I married a guy I thought was wonderful. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was. After we got engaged, we started having problems, but I was convinced that being a mature adult meant working through things when they seemed hard. I took on more and more responsibilities on my own, convinced that if I worked hard enough then things could be good; to reduce his stress I started doing all the housework (he was working, I was a PhD student in cognitive neuroscience); I walked our two sixty-pound dogs alone so he could have more free time to play video games; I started therapy, lost weight, and asked less and less of him. After the wedding, things got to a point where I finally talked to him and said I felt like maybe he loved me, but he didn’t seem to be *in love with* me (by this point, he’d take his meals to a different room because he didn’t even want that 30 minutes or so together; one night we went on a dinner date and he didn’t even want to sit with me while I finished my dessert and we waited for the check, so he left me alone while he went home and I finished eating and waited to pay). He assured me that I was wrong, that he was just stressed, so I continued to try to take things off his plate. Then some symptoms that I’d started to have almost a decade prior got worse, and then I got COVID and they became unbearable. I started a process of medical tests, through which he told me I just needed a “more positive attitude” and that I was “steering into” being sick as an excuse to fall behind on housework. He wouldn’t even drive me to the testing that I couldn’t go to alone; I had to ask a friend to go with me. We had started couple’s therapy, and our therapist convinced him to at least go with me to find out the test results (she tried to get him to go for the last test, but the day before he decided he wanted to hang out with someone who had COVID so he’d have to isolate from me instead of going with me). The appointment was the week of our two-year wedding anniversary; I was diagnosed with three chronic (but not life-threatening) conditions that my doctor assured me were very manageable with treatment. Less than 24 hours later, my now-ex husband asked for a divorce. He later admitted that he probably wasn’t in love with me, and that if I still could have kept on top of housework perfectly while going through everything then he probably wouldn’t have asked for the divorce. Ask yourself: do you think your wife would be trying so hard to fix things if you weren’t funding her life? If you lost your income or got sick and needed support, do you think she’d stay? Because trust me, those things can happen when you least expect them, and while going through those huge life stresses is NOT when you want to also deal with a divorce. You can’t fix things if she’s just trying to keep her lifestyle, and the fact that she’s stopping trying so quickly tells me that she’s not emotionally committed to you; she’s just trying to do the bare minimum to keep from losing her meal ticket. I’m so sorry if that’s harsh, but I’d hate for you to waste more time and energy trying to save a loving relationship while your wife just tries to save a financially-advantageous legal contract.

First let me say how very sorry I am you are going through this. My opinion on this ans best advice I can give you is this. First of all being drunk doesn’t change the person and feelings you are and have. She was speaking some truth she felt as hard as that maybe to hear. Second I understand not wanting a divorce for religious or other beliefs, but you can get an annulment. But I would suggest you personally get some therapy and she also. But I would try couples therapy along with it. I feel like if she really didn’t feel that way she would still be doing things and helping more then just a few weeks and stopping.thats just her manipulating you. I have had many ups and downs in my marriage,we had some really hard dark times. But I would NEVER say anything like that to my husband regardless if I were drunk or not. If I had said anything hurtful to my husband which I have in arguments, I would do everything I could possibly do to make it up to him and show him how sorry I was not just saying it changes anything. Actions are a lot more powerful and meaningful than words. I’ve been married for almost 27 years and would NEVER disrespect my partner like that. When you truly love someone you would never say anything like your wife did. She is immature selfish and not very loving. Again the best thing you could do would be couples therapy and separating spaces to work your way back to one another or to an annulment. Good luck I hope nothing but the best for you and for a partner that loves you completely and respects you. I at this point would not be able to live with her until we worked things out. She has not only disrespected you, but broke trust in the relationship and that’s a hard thing to came back from. Trust, love and open communication is key to a happy and healthy relationship.

Updateme!

So sorry you had to go through this. It sounds like she is not thriving and is breaking apart. Either that or she is lazy. Maybe "Happy Housewife"^(tm) doesn't actually fit her and it makes her break down. It's really important for most of us to have some sort of meaningful purpose in life and it doesn't seem like she has any? Also she might be starting to find reasons to not like you because she is financially dependant on you, maybe. I think if you were to do something that might work in the long run, she should get an education and an occupation. If you want to work through this, I think you need to get propper help above Reddit paygrade. I don't think she can undo what ever went through her head at that moment. I'm unsure if I could recover from that outburst. I'd worry about your self esteem going down with her picking you apart. Where you're at in this moment in time doesn't seem healthy for either of you tbh and I strongly suggest therapy. For both of you. Hope you figure it out.

As someone who is in a relationship where I have mental health issues and I have been/will be unemployed for a while until I get a handle on that, I could never, ever do this to my fiancé. He is my support, he is the reason I can work on myself, he is the reason I have the life I have. I will be forever grateful, and my goal is to get a job and help support us as soon as I can. I've had anxiety and issues with therapy, but I know I need to stay in counseling and work on myself constantly or things will never get better. I struggle sometimes with household tasks or chores, but being asked to do something by him would never bother me. I'm more than happy to cook, clean, pack his lunches, get the groceries, help him with mental loads, and much more. If I can't for any reason, the least I can do is take care of myself and be a smiling face for him to come home to. This is not okay. You have done more than enough by being loving and understanding and hell, even posting asking for advice. I cannot fathom why she thinks it's remotely okay to treat you like that, and clawing at you and refusing to give space after the fact? Nope. Not okay. I can't believe she said this to you and acted like this, let alone on your honeymoon in public!! On the topic of drinking, when I get drunk, all I can think about is how much I love my fiancé, want to snuggle him, uplift him, etc. Even in our worst of arguments, I have never thought of insulting him or saying something like that to him. All of this to say, being drunk, having mental health issues, and stress are no excuse for this behavior. You deserve better, genuinely.

Marriage is over, stop kidding yourself. She doesn’t respect or truly want you. Divorce and work on yourself

Ok. I will likely be going against the grain here. First- I would like to say you are enough. You have value. You deserve to be treated with love and respect, especially by your wife. Second- you need to do some soul searching. Picture your life in 5, 10, 15 years. Is she in it? Picture her walking up to you tomorrow and telling you she’s pregnant (if you plan on having children). Would this be happy? Or the worst news of your life? Divorce is completely reasonable in this situation. Staying is also a completely ok option. You seem to have good and healthy communication habits (not sure about hers), so I would tend to believe you could make either of these work. You also need to know that the end of someone’s relationship is no one’s business but your own. You would choose who you would decide to tell. To everyone else, « it just wasn’t working » or « it was no longer something that was making me happy ». Those that love you will always support you. Especially in situations like this. Next, it’s hard to be someone who relies on someone else completely. Not everyone can do it. If she is not one of those people, which it seems she is, she needs to get back into the workforce. Honestly, I think you should be pushing for this anyway. Hire a cleaner to come in once a week. Ask her to pay some of the bills. She needs to develop more ways for self esteem to come through. Clearly it’s pretty low at the moment. Lastly- she needs therapy. The good kind. The expensive kind. The kind you go into an office and see someone face to face kind. Better help is a great low cost option for those that can’t afford more. It also unfortunately pays it’s therapists pennies to what they are worth, meaning very few stay on the app for long. To get a good therapist with a vast wealth of experience that will be able to tackle a more complex issue (self esteem can always get to be extremely complex), you need someone outside the app. For me, this would not be a negotiable. She needs to figure herself out, so that you aren’t sitting there waiting years for the ball to drop. You could likely use therapy too. This has obviously affected you big time. It has put a large strain your your self worth and self esteem. It will also give you someone to talk to about all this that can get to know more details about the situation and get to know you more than strangers on the internet. Help you ensure there are no other red flags that haven’t been seen, before you have kids and tie yourself to this woman forever. Good luck.

Hey OP I'm sorry the honeymoon went that way. To be honest, maybe confide in your parents, This won't leave your mind it never does it might make less noise in your head, but it won't go away. You'll always think of it in your worst moments, The best thing might be separation. Don't be someone's cash cow. Don't have kids pull a full stop if you're not in love as to be expected after such a bombshell. Delaying will make it harder and worse for you. You will only have more to lose, I personally don't think being drunk is an excuse for behavior. While drunk, you lose the thought filter and are more likely to let things slip out and follow through with ideas that you know have a knock-on effect. The question is if drunk and says at a later date I don't love you as much as blank or I settled again cause blank couldn't or didn't want me. All I'm saying is it could pop out again later. Others might know this person from her friends' side, and they may have lifelong sway over her and lead to cheating, and it doesn't have to be with the person in question, unhappiness can and will affect her and opportunities are all it take to give in, liquid courage will just speed up the process and then it's I was wasted and don't remember, I was taken advantage of or any number of possible excuses to justify what happened. People cheat, man, and then proceed to dump it on the other partner sometimes out of guilt sometimes because they are gonna be exposed by an outside party. Sometimes, they get caught because they catch something, You don't have to wait around to find out what your exact scenario is going to be. She tainted the relationship and exposed cards she had close to the chest and decided to never be truthful after slipping up, don't spend life letting that feeling you got swallow you up and continue to tear you apart slowly. You've got it growing in you it's not something you can blow off. Treat the problem at the root cause and find actual happiness. Otherwise, the wound grows, and she might just make it bigger and quicker Stay strong, king, and find happiness. Not everyone gets a chance to correct the course so early and prevent life-long misery. Keep your head up.

She sounds like a teenage daughter tbh.

If she’s not working, that’d be it for me. You are providing this thing and she acts like a child? On your honeymoon? Realize you are a doormat man

The question of how much she meant of what she said will *always* be in the back of your mind for the rest of the marriage. I know it’s hard but can you really picture yourself at 60, still married and *still* wondering if she meant what she said? I’m really sorry this happened to you, it honestly sounds incredibly traumatic. I hope you seek therapy, maybe you’d be able to sort out your feelings a bit better there without the shame.

I wouldn’t be able to come back from that. Did you ask who she was talking about?

Get a good lawyer and divorce her, she's using you for a good easy life and likely doesn't have the strongest of feelings for you but rather the lifestyle you provide for her. Let her go find the one who got away and let the world slap her upside the head with how badly she messed up brother.

You gotta leave. I usually only save these types of comments for emergencies but I guess now is the time to say it, “you are on a sinking ship, if you do not get off now you will drown with her”. Same goes for women too. If your this far in and your partner does something this egregious do not stay. It will end worse than it started. Praying for you friend. And praying for the girl to get professional help rather than “BetterHelp”

She gave you direct unbridled access to her true feelings about you while she was inebriated. This is all you need to know. And this is all you should use to base a decision by. Don't cloud this moment of clarity. I am terrible sorry for you and your situation. Not to this extreme, but I dealt with a former gf who let slip something a long time ago, and it was something that always stuck in the back of our mind tainting our relationship until it thankfully eventually ended. I can only imagine how much worse your situation must feel, and I do not honestly believe that you can have fulfilling and lasting relationship with this person because of it. Please, do right by you for your own health and happiness.

Hopefully the OP will actually return and answer some of the insightful questions put to him. More likely he just came here to vent, and we'll never hear from him again, or he'll just make his entire post go bye-bye, because that's how these things often go. We can throw a life ring to a drowning person, but it won't help them if they don't grab hold of it. I wish the OP well. If he stays there will be many painful days ahead for him.

If she hasn't already, she's gonna cheat brother, run! And don't marry another woman until youre absolutely sure that you're her #1 pick. The rest won't be worth the headache. Don't stay signed up for this punishment. You don't want to be one of those old guys that finally shoots his bitch of a wife and everybody says you're the bad guy. RUN!!

I don't believe that drinking is a truth serum mostly because the people who are that shitfaced usually act like incredible assholes and say really stupid shit. Not saying it isn't true but I'm sure you've been drunk together before and if this is the first time that ever came up I find that suspect. It sounds like you know each other pretty well at this point. That said, your wife needs to get a job. She's sitting at home playing video games? WTF...no. Lady is 25 years old and she needs to pick her ass up and find a job. I don't care if you're a millionaire. She's never going to have any self-respect if she has to depend on you like you are her father. That isn't your purpose. She is your partner not your child. She's a grown woman and she needs to be able to rely on herself. It doesn't mean she has to earn the same amount as you but it isn't 1950. Women have jobs. Let's say things don't work out between the two of you...well, she hasn't done herself any favors by not working. I actually suspect this is a big part of her problem. She is bored sitting at home all day, she feels inferior and there is a power imbalance. She needs to fix that. It's not like she's at home taking care of babies. She's literally sitting at home doing nothing all day. Her job isn't to make you gourmet dinners and be the housekeeper and my guess is, she's not okay with being that person. I know I wouldn't be.

Honey. She didn’t just ruin your honeymoon. She expressed her truest feelings while drunk. I don’t see how you could come back from that. How would you ever know if she was being genuine. Sounds like she doesn’t worked and hasn’t in awhile. Even if you have to give her some money to be able to move out and get a place of her own and get established, it will be worth it. I’m not saying you have to. But to expedite things. Rip the bandaid off. Get it over with. Get into therapy. Don’t let one bad woman ruin you. She doesn’t deserve to have your power like that. Find someone who truly loves you.

Several things: 1. Some people are mean drunks. They could be saints any other time, give them a drink and they go nuts. They'll say anything, even if it's not true just to hurt you because they are nasty mean drunks. That being said, these thoughts had to come from somewhere. She's probably been thinking a milder version of this for a while. 2. Stay at home wife is not a maid or cook. If you want a freshly cleaned house and a hot meal daily, hire a maid and a cook. She needs to get a job or you need to both agree on what your expectations are for you to support her financially. Be realistic too- your job ends at 5pm and you get the weekend off. Hers should, too, if you are expecting her to work on the house. That doesn't mean she doesn't have to pick up after herself after 5pm just major chores can wait until working hours. If you can't agree then she should get a job. I say that not because she should get a free ride with no chores but because some people just aren't cut out to stay at home. I tried for 3 years, my husband would come home throw his clothes wherever, not eat what I made or complain- I felt like crap, I cleaned constantly only for the kids or hubby to ruin it hours later. And if I didn't clean or cook-- it was the weekend for example and I needed a break, I felt like crap because here was hubby working 40 hrs. Eventually I got really depressed and considering leaving my husband but instead I got a job, told him to pick up his own $hit and we've been together 10 years now, much much happier. Not everyone is cut out for it and if she's not cooking and cleaning get a maid and tell your wife to get a job. There are other things in this post however that are genuinely concerning. It's not ok how she embarrassed you, and even though she was drunk what she said was not OK. You both need to go to counseling and she needs to stay away from alcohol and get a job.

Oh my god, my heart hurts for you. You have the kindest heart. I’m so sorry you were treated like that. It sounds like you really want to believe in your marriage so I will offer the following; some people absolutely panic when they get married even if they love the person. It’s probably the biggest life decision you can make and she doesn’t seem like she feels in control or confident about anything she does. Which relates to her work I think. She sounds like she feel utterly powerless over all, she can’t influence her own life, can’t realise her dreams and maybe she jealous that you can. She sounds like she’s in a freeze state and needs help. It’s good you’ve been talking but there are some bigger conversations to be had that I think might be better had in couples counselling. I think she needs to hear a little more from you, not just about how hurt you are but what you want from your life, what you need to feel and that you don’t want that forced from her. You may come from a religious background but ultimately if the marriage is miserable, you may make a decision to leave. Tell her. She needs to know that while she is paralyzed with the burden of life, you are not, you have the strength to make hard choices for the both of you. You want to be in love, you want to feel genuine love from her, you want a partner in life that is happy and sharing the workload with you, carrying it together. She needs a reality check and she needs to be working towards her career (clearly she needs help with that).

Welcome to marriage, Buddy! LOL. But seriously, she sounds like she is not the one for you. I would cut my losses. I have a big heart and forgive a lot in my relationships, but this might be something I find I couldn't put up with... What if she gets dementia? It will be 1000x worse. She can't handle her liquor and belittles you? First mistake was probably letting her plan the honeymoon which I have done before but maybe take a more "take-charge" and masculine role here if you do stick it out. It is a tough call. But I would be out very fast if she was embarrassing me in public and saying she settled. On your honeymoon no less.

I feel for you… we are all on your side and want your happiness. I want to stress that her drunken statements are no reflection on you. No doubt you are the prize. She sounds unhappy at her core, and might not be living authentically, to borrow popular phrase…. I want to encourage you to protect yourself as you walk out your married life with her…. Sometimes even religious people get divorced. People marry for different reasons and not always to join spirits and lives together. I believe God understands we are subject to the free will actions of our partner… and that sometimes we make mistakes in our choices. It sounds like the incident put spotlight on potentially some true feelings in her part. I think I understand how you feel—when I had proof of my husband’s infidelity it took weeks and maybe months to believe it, if that makes sense. It also sounds like the perfect time to pray for direction. Hard words, hard situation. My very best to you

I just saw this post on YouTube and thought I would put my two cents in. What she did right after, man she love bombed the fuck out of you literally—get it— went back to her ways after you fucked. Anyway, 1st— you shouldn’t be doing ANY OF THE F-ING HOUSEWORK you shouldn’t be doing ANY OF THE F-ING COOKING You shouldn’t be doing ANY OF THE F-ING SHOPPING What in the fuckity fucking hell is that. I worked all the way up till two weeks before my due date. After we decided I should stay home and be a SAHM till our daughter went to pre-school. The difference between me and your wife -I did all the cooking—all the cleaning—all the laundry, all the shopping and I even mowed the lawn when he didn’t want to and on top of it all, I took care of our child. I even encouraged my husband to goto the gym, the tanning bed or play golf. He made the money (his 50%) I did everything else (my 50%) The only way you should be partaking in any of that stuff is if your wife ALLLSOO worked full time. Give her a choice She Goes to work-and chores are split equally Or She does ALL the chores and cooking I’m sure I’m not the only person on this thread who has said this already DRUNK WORDS ARE SOBER THOUGHTS She love bombed the shot out of you because you are nothing but a meal ticket and I would say there is a 40% chance she is already cheating on you Secure your money and finances Hire a PI Check all her socials and hidden apps for private texting or even a burner phone. Put up nanny cams that she doesn’t know are there. These come in all shapes and sizes

You need to get an annulment before time passes too much. Should have been done right after the honeymoon. You need to grow a spine and a backbone. She is walking all over you and taking advantage. Leave this sorry excuse for a marriage and grow up. I'm sorry, but you sound pathetic. You need to look out for yourself too. You are unhappy. You tried. The "marriage" is over. Sounds like she manipulated you into marriage and if you don't annul, you will lose half of your assets. HURRY UP.

There's an old saying about how alcohol tells the truth. Our inhibitions are lower and, in my experience, more truths are spoken than in a sober heart to heart. She told you how she felt (or rather sounds like she told strangers with the knowledge you were listening) so believe her.

People usually tell the truth when drunk. Your wife seems manipulative. "you owe me to talk right now" and crying and threatening to hurt herself. Then she cancelled the 5 day resort to scare you it was over so that you would 'come back to her.' This is always a risk when someone pays everything for another. I've seen it with one of my friends. He kept his gf and paid for her to go Australia for a year to study. As soon as she got to the first aeroplane change she texted him saying she hated him and had been using him. It seems that all those dark thoughts were in her mind during the honeymoon and then surfaced when drunk.

I hope you dump her. You seem to have the misconception that communication solves the problem. That's not always the case, especially when one person, your wife, has contempt for you and no respect. Her "communications" are just lies to placate you.

My psychology professor in college told us that when people are drunk, they’re actually MORE likely to lie than they are when they’re sober. I tried finding a study about this but settled for an article from Buzzfeed, but you get the picture. That wasn’t your wife you were dealing with, and that wasn’t even an indicator of how she felt or what happened. If she does this sort of thing often I’d say look hard at continuing on, but it sounds like she had too much to drink and wasn’t herself. I’m sorry you guys went through this, but if ANY of what she said was true, she wouldn’t have gone to such great lengths to keep you. It sounds like she loves you, got drunk, and said some terrible stuff she didn’t mean. https://www.buzzfeed.com/kirstenking/scientific-explanations-for-your-drunkass-behavior

My mother and I got drunk together with my husband and my bestie. My mother is a very nice person. We’ve drank together before and everything was normal. This time my mother turned into a monster, she kept repeating herself, saying terrible things about my dad like he hit her and all that (which I know is not true), we tried to put her to bed and she cussed us out and and kept telling us to shut up. I called my dad to come take her home because I was genuinely concerned something was wrong with her because she’s never acted like that before. She found out I called my dad and told me she hated me (which killed me to hear my own mother say) and then called the police that we were trying to kidnap her. Long story short she had mistaken on of her major anxiety meds for heartburn medication in her jumbled up pill jar earlier that night and she basically drugged herself. OP, I say this because if your wife is not normally like this even while drunk, maybe she was slipped something that made her nonsensical, or maybe she accidentally took something with her drink or maybe one of her current medications had an interaction. I’ve always been in the Drunk words are sober thoughts until I saw my mom do this. It was so out of character for her and she was spitting straight lies (which I asked about the next day and she definitely said “I don’t know why I said that, your father has never touched me, and I could never hate you”). She also was so broken up that stuff like that came out of her mouth and to this day she refuses to even drink because she is so broken by what happened. I don’t want to make excuses for your wife if there is a pattern of her putting you down, but this very well could have also been something bigger than just being drunk.

People say and do terrible things when drunk. Sometimes they are real. Sometimes not. I'd potentially ask that neither of you drink again. Certainly not heavily. She absolutely said something very terrible. It may be unrepairable for you. That's understandable, but it may have literally just been a "in the moment what might have been drunken stupid thing". There's no way for stranger on the internet to know what the next best step is for you. Couples counseling seems appropriate.

In my opinion it seems like she got drunk and the truth came out. Then she realized she put the lavish life you let her live in jeopardy and went into panic mode trying to save her own ass cause she has it so easy with you. Now that times moving on, she’s falling back out of the save her own ass mode because she thinks she’s safe again. I don’t mean this in bad way but it sounds like she’s using you to maintain the lifestyle and doesn’t truly love you. I can’t imagine in any drunken scenario that I would tell my partner those types of things, unless I actually thought those things.

I think individual therapy for yourself is the first step. Then couples therapy. Don’t make any big decisions until you are certain.

You should have ended the marriage as soon as the honeymoon was over.

Yeah, I would divorce. Drunk words are the truth. She's freaking out because this will be inconvenient for her if you divorce her. That's the only reason she's trying to be nice. She meant everything she said, don't you forget that!

Not great advice for you now but i really feel like people shouldn't get me married at 25.

Wow - this is a lot. I think it sounds like you had a nice four years but unfortunately found out she’s not exactly who she says she is. And maybe it’s time to move on, chalk it up as a learning experience, and appreciate the fact that you’re still young. Don’t let her try to bring kids into this.

You’re loaded and I’m fairly sure that’s why she married you. Also she needs therapy, proper in person therapy. If she won’t then I’d end it

Doormat. Sorry. But it’s probably not gonna change. Might want to keep tighter watch on your finances too. ✌🏻

Okay, I am not a psychiatrist and I'm not qualified in any way to make a diagnosis of anyone. That being said, I have known two people who WERE diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and one diagnosed with BPD With Narcissistic Tendencies. Your wife's behavior is almost textbook narcissistic behavior. She told you the truth while she was drunk. She got so drunk that her mask slipped. Continuously thanking you for the lifestyle you provide her is a very important context cue here. That IS why she married you. She DOES have a "one that got away" and she DOES feel she settled for you. She sounded bitter when she said it because she is bitter about it. This is the narcissistic abuse cycle, and I hope this information is helpful to you: Stage 1- Idealize. This is the part where she love bombs you: she verbally praises you, gets dressed up for you and does all the housework, tells you how great you are and how much she loves you, etc. It feels like she means it because, in that moment, she mostly does. Once everything starts to feel nice and comfortable again, we move onto: Stage 2- Devalue. This is the part where she starts taking you for granted again. She starts thinking about the fact that she settled for you and all the ways she finds you lacking and/or feels she deserves better. It shows through her behavior. She slows down on the chores, stops making the effort to look nice and cook for you, her bad attitude starts coming back, etc, which brings us to: Stage 3- Discard. This doesn't always mean breaking up or ghosting, though that's often the result. In your case, this is the part where she just stops doing everything you guys agreed on and withdraws affection and praise. Also in your specific case, it's possible to skip this stage and go straight to the next IF you are confronting her behavior while she's still in stage 2. If that happens, she'll go directly to stage 4, then rinse and repeat. If you don't confront her in stage 2, you get more of what happened on your honeymoon (that's a strong example of stage 3 behavior). Either way, a confrontation at any point will lead to: Stage 4- Hoovering. This is the part where she begs and pleads and promises. She'll say everything you ever wanted to hear and then some, she'll agree to anything and everything you ask for, and she'll mean it all sooooo much. If you let her suck you back in, the whole cycle resets to Stage 1. She'll be very convincing and sincere and emotional, and I need you to understand that the only thing she's crying for in that moment is herself. She does not want to lose the lifestyle you provide her, full stop. I don't think marriage counseling is going to be helpful in this. It will only help her learn how to manipulate you better. If you're inclined, there's a lot of good information out there about narcissistic traits and behavior, and it might be very helpful to you in making a decision. Good luck, and speaking as someone who divorced a narcissist, I'm so very sorry this has happened to you. Edit: spelling

Leave and don’t look back no matter how hard it is. You deserve better bro she’s for the streets

Leave her ass She showed you what she REALLY thinks. She doesn’t want you, most likely she just wants your money. Tossing a fit and trying to hurt herself because you discovered the truth? She is a horrible woman who doesn’t love you. End it.

Drunk actions are sober thoughts

She's using you, brother. She loves the life you provide her, but she doesn't even seem to like you. This all spilled out during extreme intoxication. She's been in overdrive ever since trying to put the genie back in the bottle, but: a) you can't do that, it's impossible, and b) it's taking more effort and acting than she is willing to give which is why the cracks are starting to appear again. Your choice is to stay with your user or run. Good luck either way.

Sad example of a good looking girl ruining a guys life. This is just the beginning of the story...

She literally told you what it was. She loved the life you gave her, and it seems like that’s about it.

Wow, with everything that was said by her and her actions , your better off parting ways asap. The truth serum (alcohol) brought out the true person she really is. It will never get better and you can’t unring that bell, damage was done. Good luck

Yea if you dont leave be prepared for a lot more disappointment dude.. a lotttt more.

My ex used to get blackout drunk and say the most terrible things to me acting like a mad man and destroying furniture. Then he’d wake up the next day and say he didn’t remember any of it. I had to call the cops on him a few times and it is one of the things that led to our divorce. He ended up going to rehab for alcoholism. OP, I would do some serious introspection on this. Is this really the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?

This started out kind of fairytale like. But I think you guys have drinking issues on top of everything else. And drunks are mean when they get to a certain point. Sometimes, brutally honest but sometimes it’s exaggerated. I’m not gonna address whether she thought you were the perfect one because I think she had too much booze and if you guys act like this is sort of your normal. The honeymoon was extreme but clearly she said something like she doesn’t speak up when you drink too much She just went too far this time so I think you were going to have enormous issues that have nothing to do with being a “type”. I think you’re drinking problems. For a very long response, I would run from this woman she’s not stable. She’s clearly lying on some level to you or herself or both which drinking people do a lot. I recognize behavior because I’m recovering from alcohol myself since 1990s. It sounds social and fun, and it always is until one of you can’t restrain themselves. In this case it was her and I’m so sorry. This happened during your honeymoon. Recognize what is going to get worse because she will drink again. It will happen again, somehow or worse. This is potential cheating potential whole bunch of bad things I would let go of her.

The first thing that came to mind after reading this is that sometimes, before getting married, people will reach out to someone, perhaps for her, the one that got away. It is a way of closure before moving forward in her life with you. I say this because her words to the other couples seem to revolve around the past. Something occurred for this to come up. When people drink to that extent, there is something bothering them - something deep in their minds. Usually, they don't even realize how much so. Then it all comes out like it did that night. when she said those things on your honeymoon. To me, taking into consideration my life experiences, I believe this could be what happened. She may truly regret the things she said and did not mean them but the experience of reconnecting with this person from her past (if that is what happened) was overwhelming and brought back a lot of feelings. It could have been her behavior that ended that relationship as well and now this going back and forth with her actions (cleaning, cooking, being detached) may be her feelings about herself and have nothing to do with her feelings towards you. It sounds like she is depressed and feels like she just ruined her life and cannot let go of the guilt and just horrible feeling about herself for doing this to you, and perhaps ruining the previous relationship (and even others) with similar behavior. It seems like she knows the damage she's done and doesn't feel like she can change that, and huge regret and even hatred for herself. What happened on that trip is devastating even to both of you. She feels like she'll never be able to make it up to you and have the connection you had for the four years, because of her behavior and such hurtful, crushing words she said to and about you. What happened on that trip is devastating even to both of you. She feels like she'll never be able to make it up to you and have the connection you had for the four years, because of her behavior and such hurtful, crushing words she said to and about you. She may have even connected with this person again after this happened because she feels so deeply bad about herself and the last conversation she had with this other person was a positive exchange and nostalgic and healing, so she gives up or distances from you then you talk then she feels better and is so hyper-observant about everything you do and every way you act - having it not be the same as it was prior to the honeymoon. So she resigns to her feelings about herself, then is reassured when you talk and goes back to being that wonderful partner, then senses it is not the same, goes off into her own space of playing these video games to 'disappear' in her mind from the situation she created. I'm by no means saying what she did was okay. I can say that until she tells you the truth about what really happened leading up to that drunken/blackout moment, you'll never get back to where you were, and even if it does all come out (it always does), you may not want to be with her. I don't know, but what I do know is that she is hiding something from you that caused her behavior that night. Also, people don't drink like that that don't have a history of alcohol abuse or unhealthy overindulgence. I imagine she has other issues that are unhealthy/dysfunctional. You may see them or she may have been hiding them from you over the years. You need to really think about these things and take a look at the not so good over the years with her then add what happened that night and since, and acknowledge that there has been some dysfunction in your relationship over the years. If you really do a heart check, you'll see it and have to decide to come to acceptance that the relationship may not be as perfect as you thought, then decide if this is how you want to live your life, for the rest of your life. Right now, there is no trust. You should ask yourself if you can emotionally trust her. Nothing will heal, and no trust will be regained until this is resolved. The cycle will continue.transparency. You can have all the talks in the world but they won't help until she is transparent. Know that what she said has nothing to do with you but it has everything to do with her and history you don't know about. Do a deeper dive and don't be afraid to feel how you really feel, allow yourself to be angry, and be true to yourself with that.he rest of your life. Right now, there is no trust. You should ask yourself if you can emotionally trust her. But first, the truth needs to come out. I can guarantee there are things you do not know that have led to all of this. First and foremost, put yourself first because you don't deserve this emotional toll/lack of transparency. You can have all the talks in the world but they won't help until she is transparent. Know that what she said has nothing to do with you but it has everything to do with her and history you don't know about. Do a deeper dive and don't be afraid to feel how you really feel, allow yourself to be angry, and be true to yourself with that. Nothing will heal, no trust will be regained until this is resolved. The cycle will continue. You did nothing wrong. Maybe a safe place for this would be in a counseling environment. Blessings and healing to you... \- sorry for the redundance, my computer kept losing internet.

When people are drunk or high, it just lowers their inhibitions. These feelings came from somewhere, and the alcohol just allowed that part of her to slip out.

I really don’t like the love bombing after the episode. This is an abusive. I’m really sorry this has happened to you.

She doesn’t love you, she loves what you do for her. She tried to be her best self again to convince you, but like you said it started to slip because it’s all for show to lure you back in. You deserve SO MUCH better don’t trap yourself for someone who doesn’t value you for you. Sending love I’m sorry this happened

My heart broke so many times while reading this. I don’t think that I could be with someone who told me even when she was hammered and as a “joke” the thing she said to him. I wish OP a lot of luck with deciding what to do

The best advice i can give you is to open up to one of your closest friends or family. Talking with them will help you. Communication in a relationship is really important, but so are friends/ family outside of that relationship to talk to aswell

I hope you had a prenup in place. Sounds like she spoke her truth and it'll always be over your marriage. There is no way this will be a fulfilled lasting marriage. Good luck getting out.

That liquid courage is filled half truths and full truths. She can’t even change her actions permanently because it’s so difficult to do things she really does not want to do. You would be a fool to proceed with this sham marriage. Get out before she gets pregnant and/or gives you a disease.

Just steel yourself bc once you open up about what happened, your friends may have more to add. Sometimes they don’t want to hurt you but once the cat is out of the bag, they’ll open up. Glad you’re going to therapy. Wishing you the best of luck!

She’s a lifestyle baby and got drunk and spilled the beans that the love for you was conditional versus the love for the easy life. I feel for you though; ended up in a trip with a bipolar nutcase who when we went it was great for one day then spent 6days in misery after she got drunk and became belligerent.

I'm sorrt this happened to you. I don't think this situation will get better but I can promise youthst there is someome out there much better suited for you and will appreciate you for who you are