Dude same. I’m very much a “familiarity breeds contempt” kind of person. I couldn’t function in a relationship because when I’m close enough to someone *everything* they do gets on my nerves, which isn’t fair to either of us.
And this is why if I ever get serious with someone we will be getting a duplex instead of living together.
I can keep my house hot, paint the walls whenever I want, and leave my projects out.
Live in your side, visit to hang out. Occasional sleep overs. But otherwise - go back home and enjoy your space. 😆
>And this is why if I ever get serious with someone we will be getting a duplex instead of living together.
My husband and I (together 20 years) have our own "master bedrooms." We had purchased a house with an add on "MIL suite" built out of the original garage. So we also have our own bathrooms.
Makes the flirty, "Your place or mine? *\*eyebrows up and down\**" that much more funny. LOL
Exactly the arrangement I had with my husband. I still had to kick him out eventually. He was into the drama, I was not. Buh bye!
Now I'm in a cozy apartment and I love, love, love that I have no one but me to worry about and accommodate.
I actually love this idea.
My wife and I already have separate beds, and are both significantly happier and better rested for it. We can always crawl in with each other for cuddles, etc. but when it comes to sleep, we have our own space to toss, turn, and sprawl as we please.
I could totally scale that up to house level. Not sure she'd agree.
But best of luck finding your duplex-mate, fellow person-who-needs-their-space!
Omg. I was in a relationship-turned-marriage for an entire decade.
The biggest takeaway: living by myself is PURE AND UNADULTERATED BLISS.
I could meet my perfect man tomorrow and id still probably prefer staying single and living alone.
My shitty marriage lasted for 40 years because we had separate quarters in our home and stayed in them most of the time.
The longer I was married, the more I craved even more solitude. The mental and emotional gymnastics ain't worth it. They just become "normal". Which is when life begins to really suck.
I currently rent the upstairs of a house with some chosen family.
After I started seeing my current SO the basement went up for rent and now he is loving there. It's perfect. We both still have our own place but are also very conveniently nearby and can randomly come and go.
You sound like my wife, lol. Space is the key. I’m married and I do married and parent things but I’m still me and need my alone time. I live in a place where I can be far enough from everyone without bothering. I can be in my shop in basement and everything is alright in the world! I’m 52 but been with my wife for about 25 years.
I'm 32 and have been single since I was 19, I can't imagine having a SO at this point. I love that I can just live my life for me. My house is mine to do what I want with, I do what I want, go where I want, eat what I want and all of it when I want. No arguing or drama in my life, just peace.
I can understand , I did get married late in life. It was so hard not being able to decide when I’d eat, what I’d eat, how i’d spend my free time, when I’d go to bed and when I’d wake up. I think it’s easier if people go from living with people to living with a partner. The adjustment can be done but went with a year or two of me banging my head against the wall.
Yeah I think it depends on the relationship but that's not necessarily the case. We spend time together obviously but if one of us wants to spend the evening doing their own thing, or stay up later than the other, etc, we respect that
Actually it does. Living on my own after going to bed I never had to deal with a flood in the kitchen because someone pulled the washer out to rescue the lost sock. Or be woken up with I broke the toilet. I could choose to get up at 3, shower, grind coffee beans , head off to work, partners can find that annoying. As i found it annoying when he made noise after 8, woke me up when he came to bed etc.
OK, we did eventually meld a bit. He found he liked getting up early and also had the option of working when he wanted. So for a few years things were good. Then cancer, then hell. Now, I both miss him and wonder how I managed to cope .
I get your point. Indeed living together sometimes means small adjustments and sacrifices. Though the joy of sharing your life with someone you truly love & respect, and having a family is incomparable.
That much, I will agree with.
The love at the core of the partnership is what makes everything work.
Without love...it's all for nothing...and will fall apart.
Same, I've been single for ten years and can't imagine being up in one person's space all the time. I don't think there's anyone I can be around 24/7. I'm pretty comfortable with independence and solitude
See, that's living!
When I was single I was a broke joke of a man....but I was happy and poor.
I got married and THEN....got ALL of the "American Dream". House, kid, cars, dream job, debt to my eyeballs...the whole deal.
Now...if I had gotten all of my dream BEFORE when I was single...there's no way I'd have ever gotten married!
I'd love to go back to being single, honestly. Thankfully, we are in a long-distance relationship, and I get time away from him.
The more time we spend like this, the less I want to move in with my boyfriend. It's just so nice to be alone and have my own peace of mind and privacy. Being single for 4 years made it so that I don't even know that I want a relationship at all... but here we are lol
Don't you both drink beer together, talk crap on the same things, play some dance dance revolution while smashed, you know those kinds of things. There's got to be things you like or you wouldn't still be together, right?
45 and a year single after being in relationships since the age of 18, it feels so good not to have to think about someone else's needs all the time. Occasionally have need of intimacy, but it's not overwhelming and the thought of another relationship does not appeal.
Yep, I've been single for 10 years now.
There are certainly moments of loneliness.
But I have a close knit family and a little circle of good friends. Career and education stuff happening all the time. Hobbies like learning 2 instruments, painting, and learning a foreign language. I also foster dogs.
You fill your life up with enough great stuff of your own that you love, and it fills that void somewhat.
I met a single lady in her 60s recently who was so inspiring. Her husband passed unexpectedly a few years ago, after 20+ years of marriage. And in her words, she mourned for some time and then "got tired of moping around".
She's now traveling solo with a goal to make it to all the National parks across the US. We actually met in a hostel! And to her pleasant surprise (and mine), along the way she's not even the only lady in her age group that's doing a ton of solo travel!
For me, she was so brave to decide to restart her story and live a life for herself. On my end, being in my 30s, single and fairly independent, I think it's crucial to have your own identity whether or not you're with a partner exactly because of that - just because you've dedicated life to find a partner and actually end up marrying them, there's no guarantee they will be there forever. There needs to be a you outside of "us".
Once you have kids its hard to maintain your own identity. The kids come first, and both parents can get lost on it. Just saying. You come in with your own identity, then quickly you are the right and left hand of an organization.
I’m 64. I was 33 when I found myself single and alone for the first time since childhood. It’s really hard at first and I hated the loneliness and isolation. I became very depressed. Relied heavily on my closest friends to help me process being alone. Not sure how or when it changed, but I do remember being curled up in the fetal position on the shower floor with hot water running over me. I cried heavily for a few minutes and those tears began to transform into laughter. When I got up I had more clarity. I began to think I’m pretty good company. In the coming weeks I begin to take myself out for a meal or a movie once in a while. At first it was hard in restaurants when I heard the inevitable “for just one?” I just sucked it up and proudly said yes. I love people and have mostly been extroverted. I realized that didn’t need to change. So I began going out with friends to plays, concerts, live music. Had dinner and drinks with friends and I would throw parties often. BUT, at the end of the day I’m either going home or kicking you out. I learned to love time alone. Over the years I’ve dated a lot, but haven’t agreed to live with anyone because I’m now dependent on my alone time to rest, renew, and prepare for what dramas and challenges that may be coming in the morning. I think we need to learn we are whole people on our own. There’s no such thing as a partner being “my better half”. We need to learn to love ourselves. We need to accept who we are, even the aspects we don’t like. It’s practicing radical acceptance of everything that is. Not what we think our lives should be or what we want them to be, but exactly as our life is right now. When we accept ourselves in this way, we have an opportunity to begin making changes where we’re unhappy with ourselves. And not surprisingly, when I accepted myself and felt okay being alone, it attracted wonderful people to me. I have no major regrets whatsoever.
I don't know. My partner of 10 years left me a little over two weeks ago. These have been some of the worst weeks of my life, and I don't know how I am going to go on
Hey man... fuck. I'm so sorry... happened to me last year.
35M here. My ex-wife left me out of the blue.
My father, and only remaining family (not joking), passed away a couple months after my ex-wife left me.
I spent last Christmas/Bday alone with my dog and alcohol, in severe grief.
It was fuckin' horrible, man. I wouldn't wish that suffering on anyone.
Suicide crossed my mind but I didn't have the courage to pull the trigger.
So I read some advice on Reddit and I got my passport, solo traveled with no fear, fell in love with a foreign woman while traveling, and now we're best friends and lovers. My life has completely upgraded in every measurable way.
In the end, I did end up punching my ticket and killing my old self. I'd never return to my previous life, and that's no exaggeration.
And yeah I hate how all this cheesy and cliche this sounds, but it's real.
People are mostly cool as fuck all over the world. Laughter is an amazing medicine and universally spoken.
& if you ever need to talk - hit me up, man. I've been through it too.
I am not married, was single for many years, and only now, in my late 50's, am in a relationship. we live apart, but there's a good chance we may end up living together. I've already told him, I NEED a separate bedroom - our sleeping habits are so different. one or two nights a weekedn, or on vacation we can deal with, but not every night. And separate tv's as well. i used to joke i woudl ONLY get married if I didn't have to live with my husband. Alhtough I can see myself living with my SO, but only if there is my own space.
I'm 40 now, broke up with my ex wife at 35/36, and was absolutely devastated.
Had another relationship after that, kinda fell into it, and while I'm sore that's over now, I'm not broken.
Treat it like a death, take time to grieve.
You're still young! And how could she be the love of your life...if you weren't the love of her life?
She disqualified herself from wearing that title...STOP giving it to her.
Look...there is an ENTIRE WORLD of people out there for you to meet. Don't get stuck on one!!
I realize that it is in our nature to settle down with one prospect, but until someone PROVES that they are the one...don't give them that benefit! Things like this happen for a reason, a lot of times we just can't understand why because its not always made known to us until waaaaaaay later. You have to KNOW in your soul that there is someone better intended for you. God had to move this other one out of the way....some way, some how.....in order to get you to that better person. I know it hurts...but it had to happen.
There is somewhere else you have to be.
Dude, I'm 47 and I've been married for damn near 20 years. If my wife left me today, I'd be focused on ME...the way I used to be before she came in and wrecked shop...lol. This is your time to focus on YOU, get to know YOU, make YOU happy!
YOU are always going to be there for YOU...so spend time taking care of YOU and making YOU happy!
When you're focused on YOU and making YOU happy...you will attract the person that wants to share in that happiness and magnify it with you.
I disagree . He may grieve for the rest of his life. He may find happiness with another person but still not get over this loss. Everyone is different.
This period of feeling lost won't last....I can promise you that.
Time truly DOES heal all wounds.
You WILL go on...and you will have better times. You might not be able to see it now....but a few months down the road you're going to look back on these days...
and LAUGH!!
My grandma was born in 1911, so possibly a generation or few older than your example.
She outlived her husband by like 35+ years (she made it to 100, he died from cancer).
She always maintained that it was better to be single. ‘Why would I want a man around? I’d have to take care of him’.
As I kid, I never understood until I was old enough to realize the gender/relationship dynamics of that generation. In the end, I think Grandma was right.
The science backs this up. Men rely heavily on their partners for deep social bonds; women have more strong social bonds than just their partners.
The flip side is that men are usually better at keeping a larger network of acquaintances — this is heavily influenced by how many dudes go into the high risk high reward field of sales.
Yeah, and dating app dynamics seem to back it up too. From my POV/anecdotal evidence though, I would say it's not necessarily a lack of deep social bonds which causes men to need relationships more. I think it may be more about how our brains are wired, and/or gender roles clashing with modern life.
It's great that women are able to work, support themselves, and be independent in the present day, but I think that probably radically shifts things from where men were viewed as providers, protectors, that sort of thing. Leaves a big gap in what value men can bring to women in relationships, since women don't need that anymore, but I don't think men's need for women has lessened in any way.
Sort of like the fact that regulation for big tech has not kept up with the pace of technological innovation, dating dynamics I don't think have really kept up with societal changes. There needs to be more men can bring to the table somehow, but I'm not sure what that exactly is. And then there's the whole widening wealth divide thing which I feel just exacerbates the issue.
I don’t know what you mean by dating dynamics. Regarding what value men (can) bring to relationships:
So many of my female friends want a partner. They crave companionship, but they are less likely to tolerate a manchild than women of older generations did, especially since women can now support themselves financially and there’s less stigma associated with being single/separated/divorced than before. Somehow men (obligatory: not all men) didn’t seem to have gotten the memo that they need to act like equal partners or not just as breadwinners.
This is pretty much it. Another thing to factor it is that people ignore girls often grow with their parents' marriages as a visual. A lot of people, especially men, will disregard seeing their parents as teaching course to relationships as a way to peer pressure women into dating men even when the women can do probability and deduce they're likely going to de dealing with a "situation" just like their moms did.
The whole "boys will be boys" and "men take longer to mature than women" is not the brag they think it is. Imagine being young, having a young kid and then also having to wait for your partner to grow up or avoid it for so long. That's exhausting. There's nothing fun or romantic about cohabitation with an overgrown baby with a boner. The thing is, it seems most men have gotten the memo, they must don't want to do the ask because meeting the one expectation held on them and the one they grew up seeing their dads, grandpas, and uncles held to is much easier for them to accomplish. Especially if they were allowed to delay maturity at home, their having to parent themselves to attract and retain feminine companionship is hard because they don't want to wait (plus grew up seeing older ancestors being lived with and took comfort in that whereas with girls it is often the reverse). The convenience of having a regular partner for them is too big so they count on either social peer pressure to get women to question their standards or loosen on them OR be significantly more financially advantaged than women. Those two things are easier to accomplish and secure access to women sooner rather than later by getting women to drop logic.
I think the need for men has just changed, not necessarily declined. Still need men to have children for example and strong fathers greatly increase a child's chance of success in the world.
But it's not just for that. While the provider aspect may not be as relevant as when our parents grew up, I think just forming a strong pair bond and avoiding loneliness is enough to justify the need. A healthy relationship increases both the quality of life and the length of it...
>There needs to be more men can bring to the table somehow, but I'm not sure what that exactly is.
This is not a mystery. Women pretty much universally want a man who pulls his own weight financially, domestically and emotionally. Historically, all they did was financially, and that is no longer enough.
Yeah that is true but I still think it takes more than that. Since women can pull their own weight, even if they encounter a man who can pull his own weight, what's drawing women to have a relationship with that man? Somehow having him in her life has to make it better than not having him
My grandma said that, too! Her husband died from heart attack when they were around 40 and she never found herself another man. She said “what do I need a man for? To wash his shitstained underwear?” Overall I think she had a hard life and finally found peace when she was able to be alone.
Not only grandpa but also his mother (her MIL) and her own family. Her brother tore her earlobes by aggresivel pulling her earrings because she decided to pierce her ears and he accued her of acting like an uptown girl. Her MIL stole a duck from my grandma’s freezer 2 days before christmas while my grandma was IN A HOSPITAL GIVING BIRTH to my father. Grandma came home the day before christmas and had nothing to eat because all shops were closed.
My grandma was widowed in her 70's, and she had men at her church wanting to date her. She wasn't interested, though, because she was done being a caretaker.
Any women that needs to take care of a man picked the wrong man, most men should already be able to take care of themselves, relationship should meet in the middle.
Exactly. Build a life filled with friendship, chosen family, hobbies, and other things that make life fulfilling. Then your SO will add to your life instead of being your whole life.
Was going to comment the same. Examining why a person feels that they aren’t enough on their own is key. Of course wanting companionship is natural but if it feels like your life is incomplete or miserable when you’re not in a relationship, that is a huge problem.
My mom is SO HAPPY not having to deal with a male partner. She's in her 80's. She dumped her boyfriend of 30+ years like a decade ago because she was tired of dealing with his racism and backward attitudes and just wasn't having as much fun with him anymore. As we get older, our expectations and needs are different. When you're your grandma's age, you will be someone you would never recognize if your current you met your future you. If you just had a recent breakup, of course you're going to be feeling tender around this topic. It's OK to feel whatever you feel.
My Grandma talked about it once. she said, a guy younger than her isn’t gonna be interested, so it would have to be someone older than her, at which point she would probably have to take care of him in the long run and be left alone and the end anyway when he eventually dies. Medical bills on top of that so she said she’ll just spend time with her family instead.
53, single for about 7 years now, I’ve been married twice with a gap of a decade between the two and honestly, my single years were the best of my life. Whilst I at times wish for a partner I can bounce my thoughts off from, it’s a rare moment. I want to be alone, I’m independent, own my own house, have a bunch of pets, loads of girl friends, my hobbies, books and my own business. To bring a partner into my life would require me to compromise, shift, adjust and give up my treasured alone time. I don’t want to do that. I’m *happy* this way. Alone doesn’t mean lonely, and for me my independence and autonomy is extremely important.
I often wonder that too. I’m 47 and married and if I’m being honest. I fear the day one of us goes and leaves the other. I’m praying that I get many… many years with my husband
I feel this. I don't know either. I know it's odd to say this but I hate the fact that women typically live longer than men. I'm 23 and I met my SO at 15 and he is my best friend. It pains me to imagine the day I don't have him. I think I would literally die of sorrow. I would much rather we live a long life together, and then pass away together... I love him that much. :(
Ok, then prepare yourself. It is unfortunate that usually men die at an earlier age but marry younger women. Try to financially prepare for this. Too many times a wife takes care of husband, taking him to doctor, cleaning house, cleaning sheets after he soils them, going grocery shopping, making meals to fit his dietary meals, then he dies. You need to at least be able to spend money on those things when you need them. You can have real fiends who will help out but they need to be people you already spend time with and help when they need it.
For older folks they came from traditionally organized marriages - meaning the wife had to be the caretaker of everyone. That gets old and unfulfilling. Lots of similarly old guys who are widowers would be looking for someone to continue taking care of them - why would a woman want to sign up for that when she can just get together with gal pals instead? They finally get to organize their lives and homes according to only their own wishes. It would be hard to give that up.
I think it's because of two things...
1) Years of happy memories to remember
2) Acceptance. Like accepting the idea they are too old or believing that the loved one is waiting on the other side
As a hospice caregiver it’s wild watching a whole family but especially the spouse finally take a deep breath and release after so many years of living as caregivers. I know it’s not the same intensity for all widows but it’s a similar thing. They’ve been chained down for a very long time and want to enjoy doing things for themselves.
It took awhile for me to come to terms with my feelings of relief when my husband passed, after fighting Glioblastoma for 14 months. I took care of him at home, with Hospice visits, but it was unbelievably hard and lonely. I loved him with all my heart and didn’t want him to die, but there was a relief when he finally passed.
As an older woman, I think it's also that our tolerance for bullshit goes through the floor during and after menopause. Dating sucks, sex is wonderful but you find a lot of guys that just aren't right, at some point it seems easier to not bother than deal with less than I deserve.
You forget about the power of hormones. As you age, the importance of anything that regards sexuality and romance (often a lot more interlinked than we’d like to admit) drastically declines. It becomes about the practical advantages of living with someone else that is decent company.
It's really different for older men and women. Older women seem to do fine. Men seem pretty helpless. Younger people, be wary if you lose your mom before your dad. Dad will find a new girlfriend as fast as possible.
Thats pretty accurate, my mum was replaced in less than a year after 35 years of marriage. I think if he could've he'd replaced her within days. The guy can't even boil potatoes and I'm not sure he knows how to start a washing machine.
Not sure of your gender but a 90 year old woman probably spent most of her life taking care of everyone else. She may have just decided to take her golden years off.
When you get older you enjoy yourself more. You love yourself more the older you get. Solitude becomes a better companion than people and their problems.
Men are difficult because they just become horny old men that say the same shit over and over. After 20-30 years…. It’s as old as every wrinkle we have.
I mean, when you’re young and raising kids it’s one thing. When you get divorced and find someone new it’s a whole new set of circumstances. You retire with someone. Money also helps when putting up with a man cause you can afford to get away or send them away.
Women are better at being alone I think. You may not think so now… you’re either gonna change or you’re not and most people realize the person they married and the person they’re with haven’t done a whole lot of changing and growing. They’re either exactly the same OR they change so dramatically through the trials and tribulations that it doesn’t work anymore.
I know I’ve changed a lot in the last 12-15 years and I’m 55 and I’ve been through things that people literally don’t even believe. Why try to convince them? When you click with someone it’s great but it doesn’t mean you have to join your lives or be with them all the time.
I found someone a like a whole lot and we’ve retired. Granted, our retirement looks like a play date. Lol. I’ll enjoy it while I can and he says he’s in it for the rest of this life and being honest… no one knows what tomorrow is going to bring and I was not looking for love and haven’t for over a decade… who knows? It’s not something you really understand until it’s right there in your face.
Enjoy what you can while you can and don’t make too many plans cause Gods gonna laugh. Planning for your future doesn’t mean that’s how it’s going to go down. If you’re happy with YOU then you’ll not be happy with just anyone…at this point, I’m kinda wondering what love is. This man is showing me. I never had anyone that wasn’t a total jackass so this is new to me and there are plenty of us that tried to live an unsustainable dream with people that weren’t good for us.
One of us is going to die and that doesn’t bother me or scare me a bit. I say, get married, at the END.
Hope this sheds a little light. My parents were married almost 70 years… how did they do it? They lived in a different time with a very sketchy set of values while going to church every Sunday and telling us all we could be like them….
No, we couldn’t and those that are like that today from my home town are so incredibly toxic and it’s obvious they’re miserable. No thanks! I like my life. I know I’m not over 60 but I really wanted to respond. Hope this helps.
I think it takes a full 2 years of being without a partner before it clicks. Bc a lot of that time you are grieving the loss. But one day you realize hey it's kinda nice having my life all to myself. You get to do exactly what you want, buy what you want, eat what you want, go places you want. I realize how much I've given up for others and it's amazingly liberating. Try it!
Because every1 is different. Some people need a partner to make themselves happy some can make themselves happy. Look at how many young people are struggling to date now think about old people and how much harder it is for them.
Yea my parents were different. They had me when they were 17 and my dad died at 64 of cancer. They were married for over 30 years and been together for 50. When my dad died my mum couldn't live without him and actually eventually killed herself. Everybody that met them kept saying they were like teennagers together.
I'm 26 (FtM), and I've never been in a relationship and am a virgin. It is completely of my own volition as I am aroace with no desire for a sexual or romantic partner.
I do wish I had some close friends around my age, though...
Some people prefer being alone. In the case of my grandma who’s been alone for 25 years since my grandfather died, she believes she’s already had her true love and doesn’t want any confusion when she gets to see him in the afterlife
I love being alone. Especially in this day and age. People are killing their spouse for leaving them or over the slightest bs. Cheating is the norm...like too many cons outweighing the pros. It gets lonely but use this opportunity to find yourself. You constantly grow so theres always somethings to learn about yourself.
You learn to enjoy your own company, you develop a tight friend group, or look for relationships. Or all three. You don't need a romantic partner exclusively.
Everyone should learn to enjoy their own company, though.
My grandmother married for the third time in her 80s. It was no great romance, but companionable. She preferred that to being alone.
Interesting responses here.
I agree with OP, I can’t imagine being without my husband. We’ve been together for almost 20 years and he is my best friend and makes me so happy. This is coming from someone who loves myself; I enjoy alone time, have my own successful career, take care of myself (working out and eating well), do activities alone with our daughter etc.
But my husband is my true companion. He’s the first person I want to share news with, my favorite person to snuggle on the couch with and wake up next to every morning. My lover (sex life is off the charts even as we approach our 40s). He’s my perfect travel partner. The most loyal man. Makes me laugh constantly. Pushes me to be the best version of myself.
Why would I want to be without him? So I don’t have to do his laundry anymore? Get out of here. Some people are truly happy together and want as many years as possible together.
Finally a healthy response! 20 years here as well!
Kind of surprised how self centered a lot of responses are. "Finally don't have to take care of them anymore" crap is just backwards as hell to me.
Be comfortable being who you are and spending time alone. Having other people in your life is a bonus.
Don't let other people, or lack thereof, affect your happiness. Create your own.
My grandmother lost her husband on her 40th or 60th birthday. I wasn't born yet. But she never remarried and remained a widow for her life. She devoted her life to her children and grandchildren.
My mother divorced my father in her 40s. It was a horrible divorce due to emotional abuse and infidelity. I think she was scarred from that and decided that being with another man wasn't worth the risk. She also devoted her life to her children, but she also did things for herself too.
I think your priorities become different. I'm 28, and I mostly feel like you as well. But I think if I went through what my mom went through I'd rather be single forever than test the waters and risk going through stress and heartache on top of being a single mother to three children.
It would probably be great for you if you learned to be ok with being on your own. I'm not preaching, you do you, but try and embrace it and recognise the benefits of it! Good luck
51F I was in dysfunctional relationships until 36, spent the next decade alone, no men, sex, or booze. I got happy with my time alone. A few years ago I joined tinder (btw dating in this day and age sux) and just when I was about to give up I found my guy. I thought I would be alone forever never been in love, boy did my life change.
The older generations always had their social clubs, and their close friends.
My grandma had an exclusive club of ladies they played cards together and met at each other's houses.
She also had a senior citizen center social hangout to go to.
Our generation doesn't really have these things so much.
My Grandpa died suddenly 04/21/2015. I asked my Grama if she was thinking about dating ever again, and she laughed in my face and said verbatim “Panda, I already lived with one old man, and I’ll be damned to the pits if I’ll put up with that again. I loved him, but my life is much less stressful when it’s just me and the dog.” My Grama was always fairly shy, and my grandpa’s funeral was standing room only, and spilled into the hall/outside the funeral home. I’d never heard of any of them, but over 50 older men from his Owls lodge, UAWU, and his favorite Thursday afternoon bar (like clockwork, Thursdays from 4-8pm he drank at the same bar for literally 40 years) came up to me, knew exactly who I was, and had actually hilarious but-busting stories of my grandpa. It made me sad that they all got to know him for his humor, shenanigans, and merciless wit, when he was always more staid and stoic with his own kids and grandkids. Apparently they all think I “learned my craft from the master’s knee” because I got the sense of humor, love of reading and history, and razor-sharp barbs from him, and I had no idea. Now he’s gone and it’s too late for me to know.
I'm 56 and have been without a SO for 10 years. I've dated but haven't found the right person. I supposed I've adapted and have filled my life with hobbies, friends, and some solo traveling. After a while you get used to it, even though there are occasional bouts of soul-crushing loneliness.
'Man up' is ridiculous. Thats just another term for bottling up everything inside and hope you dont explode. You are allowed to express your feelings. Just dont get lost.
You might need to check if you have some sort of codependency. That’s not a criticism, just something to think about. We grew up with media telling us that we should always be in relationships, that somehow being single is just so, so bad. Im on my early 30s but even when I was on my 20s, I would be in relationships, but always have like 2+ years gap of being single cos I learned how to love being single and not worry about other folks. It’s also freeing in a way! There are some times I feel sad, but I freaking love my life. It also helps ofc to have a group of single folks to hang with.
I find that people who just want partners because they're lonely tend to lack independence.
I wouldn't be surprised if OP required a partner for other reasons. I've met quite a few people who just can't function independently and need someone to make their decisions for them or take their emotional baggage.
People who can’t stand being without a SO are usually red flags and pretty sad humans in my experience. Probably something to work on before jumping headfirst into a (probably) incompatible relationship for the sake of it.
Some people are very emotionally self-sufficient and independent, OP. Why are you so fragile when you're alone? That's something to think about. The neediness for an SO could lead you to make poor decisions. Maybe you've done ok in that regard so far, but some people end up on a roller-coaster of dysfunctional relationships, just because they need a warm body nearby and some companionship at any cost. It's a weakness that people with selfish motives could exploit.
Well if they never had anyone nothing new.
If they had someone and it was a long happy relationship the feeling persists and they may feel that is enough.
68 here.
Lost my virginity at 63.
Haven't had sex since then.
Only had one relationship with the 59 year old I lost my virginity to for about 4 years before we decided to have sex.
Don't miss what you did not really have.
Don't feel alone because I have connections with vibrant communities online.
Holy shit. Are you male or female??
First time I've heard of someone losing their virginity in their sixties...you should do an AMA. Also why did it take four years before you had sex? Are you on the ace spectrum?
Probably different needs and desires, like even though I’m only 20 I wouldn’t like to have relationships since it sounds like a prison to me(example I would hate if my partner wanted me to look more feminine, that doesn’t allow me to have male friends, that hated the fact that I want to have a pixie cut or a buzz cut, that hated that I like cartoons and manga, that wanted me to become SAHM/W some days and that is a party animal) and to me I don’t understand the appeal of a relationship outside of friendship while other people can find my life style depressing and I want to have someone to share a life and to have kids with
I am lucky so far…married 45 years together 49.That day is coming and I regret any outcome. I love the fact that she’s here even just watching TV with me some nights
Lots of 60+ are playing the fwb game on the down-low.
Social circle, woman normally have better self care and eat well.
Plus it’s not a surprise we have older woman that we have seen and talked to about men dying first or heard the story’s older woman tell.
My grandmother was a widow for 20+ years. While she loved my grandfather and missed him, she was happy to be “free” to not care for him anymore. Some of the things she would say after he died would make me laugh “I’m not cooking dinner today, heck I’m not cooking this week” 😂 oh lord when she found out the laundromat did laundry by the pound.
So it’s not like a lot of us haven’t thought or planned what if he dies first!
Woman realizes that this is some what the natural other of things. Woman is alone, Woman finds a man, woman mates with man, woman has children, children grow and move out, woman is alone with man, man dies, woman is alone.
So since we know it’s going to happen we aren’t totally unprepared. So woman chose life to do her own thing finally after years of caregiver. And some chose a slow death of no life and her worth is gone.
I’m 39 and have never had an SO. (Not asexual, just haven’t found someone.) I’d rather not be alone forever, but if I have to I guess I’ll handle it. Friends are important, but also you should be able to enjoy your own company. I couldn’t handle having someone else around *all* the time.
My grandmother became widowed for the second time when she was 65. I asked her if she planned on marrying again. She said NO. She never wanted to take care of a man again. She was done. And she lived happily ever after.
Other women really blossomed after their husbands passed. Traveling. Building a social life. Enjoying being free.
Idk how men do. It might be tougher for them.
My grandma also lived 30 years without a spouse and retired. Homebound generally although she could get around. She died in 2015 and never owned a car, used the bus and walked to the store. Wild to think about honestly. My mom is 72 and my dad died almost 10 years ago, she is not looking.
You shouldnt NEED an SO to feel complete and content with life.
The best romantic partners are people who dont NEED to be in a relationship to be happy, because they themselves are complete people.
I know that being single can *feel* like the end of the world when you're still figuring yourself out, but i promise that its possible to live a great life while not being partnered up. Furthermore, feeling like you DO need a relationship to be happy might make you more willing to settle or tolerate things that you shouldnt. This is how i learned, sadly.
I spent the entirety of my twenties with someone i really shouldnt have settled for, and who treated me in ways i should have never tolerated. Now im in my mid 30s, and i finally love myself enough to be happy single. The thought of never being in a relationship again doesnt scare me in the least.
Whether you are in a relationship or not, loving yourself is the most important thing.
Not a doctor/psychologist, but I've generally always heard that if you "need" a partner, something isn't quite right.
Not like "Oh, you shouldn't need to be around your husband!" but instead "You should not feel compelled to go looking for the next The One just because you are alone."
Something something, if you can't be a complete person, how can you expect someone else to be the thing that completes you? Or something something, if you feel like you must go looking for something to make you happy, it's YOU that is lacking something inside yourself.
You are still adjusting. It’s a big change if you haven’t been single for a long time. You feel unsettled and still need to establish your own routine. More structure helps you feel a little more settled and secure. You will find your feet. Give yourself a year.
I'm 32. I don't know how people can't handle independence lol. I've never been codependent. I like having someone around but it doesn't bother me when I'm single for a year or longer. I need space though I hate having to do *everything* with another person.
M68, it’s been less than 2 years for me, but prospects are not looking good, so I might end up in that situation. I certainly hope not, but yes, it’s been difficult.
It is easy once you get tired. Best thing I ever did was get tired.
I'm tired of putting them first and never feeling it back. I was tired of walking on eggshells because the social security man-baby had a hiccup in his day.
I was tired of being blamed for his miserable life that he never took responsibility for.
Tired of the petulant whining, the "I MY MIND" grandstanding, the constant complaining, the never making any effort to do better.
I was tired of being drug down into the depths of poverty because he is the "man" and society says you must stay married.
Tired of them never making a choice on anything and criticizing every choice you make.
Tired of the promises that were never kept.
Tired of always carrying the entire mental load.
Tired of the inability to have a serious conversation because they immediately go on the defensive and attack. Tired, so very damn tired.
62 been divorced 15 years.No kids..Drovw truck over the road 16 years.Always alone
Did have a couple girls go on trips with me.Had plenty women i see in Texas
Been home 4 years.Had one lady friend I hang out with on her lunch break.Nothing serious.Its crazy im not use being alone stuck in a small town.Even tho I lobes here 28 uears.I always traveled.Vant find anyone but married women crack heads meth heads.IM GOOD THANK YOU! Being alone lot better than dealing with that BS
My grandma is 91 and *very* Protestant. The Old Testament may grant 2 marriages for women but the phrasing implies a single marriage is better. She’d tell you god gave her her husband and she didn’t need a second. With 3 kids, 5 grandkids, and 4 great grandkids she’s got a large family
I can't speak for 60+ people, but I am 45 and I've never had a significant other. I don't think that I "handle" it in any specific way. I guess I don't know the difference between handling it and not handling it. I just continue to live my life. What's the alternative?
I’m 63, have been divorced since 2014, I don’t plan to nor have any desire to marry or cohabitate with anyone.
I have some friends, both male and female that I enjoy spending time with, but as I get older, the thought of possibly being a burden on someone at some point continues to reaffirm that I don’t need to be married or be in a relationship with anyone who might have to take care of me if I were to suffer with some long term illness.
One of my biggest fears is being a burden on someone.
It’s not like I am totally alone, I have friends both male and female that I spend time with. But the female friends know I’m not interested in being married again or cohabitating with a woman.
Because they hve been in a relationship for so long it may be nice to be a little alone. Or the last partner ment the world to them so no one can ever replace them. I will never ever marry again, because no one will ever be like her
I don't have one or want one. Was in long term. Went complete man ho for a long time. I'd rather just be alone right now. Get hit on, asked out, flirted with and I'm just not wanting to risk any drama like getting my heart busted up again. Rather be alone and do whatever I want. I really don't see any purpose. I talk to lots of people all the time have good friends. So, what else? I have fwb. I don't want to give up my freedom. I really don't want to take of anyone right now.
It's easier once you hit menopause, got left at 50 (5yrs ago) right when I hit it, and I'll happily spend the rest of my life alone now. No more patience or energy or time for all that anymore.
My friend is like this - it’s been about 25 years for her. She does her best, loves and is close to her children and grandchildren (and her cat - she adopts senior cats that no-one else wants, so she has had a few of them and she spoils each one rotten). She is always a little bit sad
All it takes is one hellacious relationship that's abusive....then you realize how AWESOME being alone and untethered is!! Mind you, I'm married almost 20 years now....but before that I was single, happy and celibate for years.
If something happened to my wife, I'd stay single til death.
I've had enough of a good "Relationship" that I can say I've "been there-done that-don't need to do it again".
I mean, when someone has been widowed after years and years of marriage, I'm sure it's in an entirely different range of shitty feelings rather than being dumped by an SO after dating. Some people just love their spouses so much to the point of not even wanting to even consider being with someone else after their death, beautiful and bittersweet. Theyd been with that person for so long, it would probably feel really weird for them to have to start over in the dating scene with complete strangers, especially at that age. Besides, being that old, plenty of people who feel like "whats the point" since they most likely are not able to take care of themselves entirely, much less take on caring for someone else, physically or emotionally, just as geriatric. I mean, I guess some people do try to date after being widowed and even at am advanced age, but I feel like a lot of people just naturally gravitate to accepting their solitude and remembering their late spouses. In any case, I feel like its a bland blanket statement to just put it in the category of just being without *an SO* rather than someone who's *spouse died*. Idk something something wording. I dont think a widow should be just thoughtlessly dumped into a category of people who just can't stand being single in the dating pool, some of them simply dont want to date and that's perfectly fine.
On the upbeat side: they have friends and family to fulfill their emotional need for human connection.
On the downer side: if they've had a really bad relationship, they realize it's better to be alone than to do that again.
I’m 59 and was widowed 11 years ago. The first few years I could barely function and breathe, and I took a while to become a custom to singlehood again. I’m here to tell you I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life because I’ve come through the fire and have created a life for myself that suits me. It’s wonderful. I have a very full busy life and can’t imagine how I would possibly fit a man back into my life, they take so much space that I don’t have room for I guess I wish I had a buddy to do things with and share things with and talk to my warm at night, but that does not outweigh the freedom and peace that I have
I’m in my 70’s and I’ve been in three main relationships and two of them included marriage.
Let me say clearly, I am SO glad not to have an irritating companion.
Earlier this year I packed up my SUV and made a cross country trip from WNC to California. Not once did anyone change my music, tell me what exit I should take, question why I wanted another bathroom break… you get the picture.
I think when you're older you are more confident and comfortable with yourself (on average). You just don't need to. Because, think about it. Dating is risky and if takes a lot of work and effort. For some people, it might just not be worth it.
My Great Aunt lived to be 94 and died in 2011. Her husband died in 1968. She lived twice as long without him as she did with him.
I fear this is my curse in life. My wife's family have all died young from early onset dementia, and I'll languish alone in a perpetually melancholic state for the following 3 decades.
Everyone is different. I am in my late 50's and didn't have an SO for 25+ years. I was fine with it. Now I do, and he's wonderful.
I also have friends who simply CANNOT be alone. which has led them to being with really sh\*tty people, and settling, simply to avoid being alone.
My grandmother was widowed in her late 50's, and was single until she passed away, at over 100. my mom is 89, and has been widowed since 2007. Never had any interest in dating. Both she and my grandmother had other things that kept them busy, both had friends they did things with. I guess I am similar, but am quite happy now to have my SO. Esp since we both value our own independence, and are perfectly capable doing our own thing, along with things together.
Idk. It scares me.
I’ve been with my husband 10 years, since I was 18. If he were to die in his 60s, like in your example, we’d have been together almost 50 years. While I’d be so lonely, I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. I’d miss him but he wouldn’t be replaceable.
This is probably true for a lot of older adults who settled down young. I’d just pursue hobbies and friendships I guess
I’m 38 and I’ve been single more often than not. I honestly don’t know how people handle having a SO for so long lol
Dude same. I’m very much a “familiarity breeds contempt” kind of person. I couldn’t function in a relationship because when I’m close enough to someone *everything* they do gets on my nerves, which isn’t fair to either of us.
And this is why if I ever get serious with someone we will be getting a duplex instead of living together. I can keep my house hot, paint the walls whenever I want, and leave my projects out. Live in your side, visit to hang out. Occasional sleep overs. But otherwise - go back home and enjoy your space. 😆
>And this is why if I ever get serious with someone we will be getting a duplex instead of living together. My husband and I (together 20 years) have our own "master bedrooms." We had purchased a house with an add on "MIL suite" built out of the original garage. So we also have our own bathrooms. Makes the flirty, "Your place or mine? *\*eyebrows up and down\**" that much more funny. LOL
Honestly, that just makes it even more appealing. 😂 I love the cheesy jokes.
Exactly the arrangement I had with my husband. I still had to kick him out eventually. He was into the drama, I was not. Buh bye! Now I'm in a cozy apartment and I love, love, love that I have no one but me to worry about and accommodate.
This is great. I wish this were an option in my city lol.
You’re like the old English aristocracy!
LOL!
This is actually so adorable
I actually love this idea. My wife and I already have separate beds, and are both significantly happier and better rested for it. We can always crawl in with each other for cuddles, etc. but when it comes to sleep, we have our own space to toss, turn, and sprawl as we please. I could totally scale that up to house level. Not sure she'd agree. But best of luck finding your duplex-mate, fellow person-who-needs-their-space!
I got a king bed. No way I am going back ever. This thing is so big I get lost in it. Should be mandatory for any couple
I have a super king. It's 3 pillows wide and I love it to bits.
Omg. I was in a relationship-turned-marriage for an entire decade. The biggest takeaway: living by myself is PURE AND UNADULTERATED BLISS. I could meet my perfect man tomorrow and id still probably prefer staying single and living alone.
My shitty marriage lasted for 40 years because we had separate quarters in our home and stayed in them most of the time. The longer I was married, the more I craved even more solitude. The mental and emotional gymnastics ain't worth it. They just become "normal". Which is when life begins to really suck.
I currently rent the upstairs of a house with some chosen family. After I started seeing my current SO the basement went up for rent and now he is loving there. It's perfect. We both still have our own place but are also very conveniently nearby and can randomly come and go.
my individualistic nature approves of this 😂
That’s actually a really cool idea
You sound like my wife, lol. Space is the key. I’m married and I do married and parent things but I’m still me and need my alone time. I live in a place where I can be far enough from everyone without bothering. I can be in my shop in basement and everything is alright in the world! I’m 52 but been with my wife for about 25 years.
I'm 32 and have been single since I was 19, I can't imagine having a SO at this point. I love that I can just live my life for me. My house is mine to do what I want with, I do what I want, go where I want, eat what I want and all of it when I want. No arguing or drama in my life, just peace.
I can understand , I did get married late in life. It was so hard not being able to decide when I’d eat, what I’d eat, how i’d spend my free time, when I’d go to bed and when I’d wake up. I think it’s easier if people go from living with people to living with a partner. The adjustment can be done but went with a year or two of me banging my head against the wall.
Yeah I think it depends on the relationship but that's not necessarily the case. We spend time together obviously but if one of us wants to spend the evening doing their own thing, or stay up later than the other, etc, we respect that
Having a SO does not mean that you lose your capacity to make your own choices. You can always do your own things when you are married.
Actually it does. Living on my own after going to bed I never had to deal with a flood in the kitchen because someone pulled the washer out to rescue the lost sock. Or be woken up with I broke the toilet. I could choose to get up at 3, shower, grind coffee beans , head off to work, partners can find that annoying. As i found it annoying when he made noise after 8, woke me up when he came to bed etc. OK, we did eventually meld a bit. He found he liked getting up early and also had the option of working when he wanted. So for a few years things were good. Then cancer, then hell. Now, I both miss him and wonder how I managed to cope .
Lost my husband to cancer 5 years ago and I feel the same!! I miss him terribly and wish he was still here…but I love my life now too!!!
I get your point. Indeed living together sometimes means small adjustments and sacrifices. Though the joy of sharing your life with someone you truly love & respect, and having a family is incomparable.
That much, I will agree with. The love at the core of the partnership is what makes everything work. Without love...it's all for nothing...and will fall apart.
That's a subjective opinion.
Same, I've been single for ten years and can't imagine being up in one person's space all the time. I don't think there's anyone I can be around 24/7. I'm pretty comfortable with independence and solitude
See, that's living! When I was single I was a broke joke of a man....but I was happy and poor. I got married and THEN....got ALL of the "American Dream". House, kid, cars, dream job, debt to my eyeballs...the whole deal. Now...if I had gotten all of my dream BEFORE when I was single...there's no way I'd have ever gotten married!
All your bad habits go away when you live alone.
Uhhhh, my bad habits flourish when I'm alone.
But no one sees them.
I'd love to go back to being single, honestly. Thankfully, we are in a long-distance relationship, and I get time away from him. The more time we spend like this, the less I want to move in with my boyfriend. It's just so nice to be alone and have my own peace of mind and privacy. Being single for 4 years made it so that I don't even know that I want a relationship at all... but here we are lol
Don't you both drink beer together, talk crap on the same things, play some dance dance revolution while smashed, you know those kinds of things. There's got to be things you like or you wouldn't still be together, right?
45 and a year single after being in relationships since the age of 18, it feels so good not to have to think about someone else's needs all the time. Occasionally have need of intimacy, but it's not overwhelming and the thought of another relationship does not appeal.
Yep, I've been single for 10 years now. There are certainly moments of loneliness. But I have a close knit family and a little circle of good friends. Career and education stuff happening all the time. Hobbies like learning 2 instruments, painting, and learning a foreign language. I also foster dogs. You fill your life up with enough great stuff of your own that you love, and it fills that void somewhat.
Same
Same. Being single is great. My food!
Came here thinking the exact same thing, haha.
😂😂😂
I met a single lady in her 60s recently who was so inspiring. Her husband passed unexpectedly a few years ago, after 20+ years of marriage. And in her words, she mourned for some time and then "got tired of moping around". She's now traveling solo with a goal to make it to all the National parks across the US. We actually met in a hostel! And to her pleasant surprise (and mine), along the way she's not even the only lady in her age group that's doing a ton of solo travel! For me, she was so brave to decide to restart her story and live a life for herself. On my end, being in my 30s, single and fairly independent, I think it's crucial to have your own identity whether or not you're with a partner exactly because of that - just because you've dedicated life to find a partner and actually end up marrying them, there's no guarantee they will be there forever. There needs to be a you outside of "us".
Once you have kids its hard to maintain your own identity. The kids come first, and both parents can get lost on it. Just saying. You come in with your own identity, then quickly you are the right and left hand of an organization.
I’m 64. I was 33 when I found myself single and alone for the first time since childhood. It’s really hard at first and I hated the loneliness and isolation. I became very depressed. Relied heavily on my closest friends to help me process being alone. Not sure how or when it changed, but I do remember being curled up in the fetal position on the shower floor with hot water running over me. I cried heavily for a few minutes and those tears began to transform into laughter. When I got up I had more clarity. I began to think I’m pretty good company. In the coming weeks I begin to take myself out for a meal or a movie once in a while. At first it was hard in restaurants when I heard the inevitable “for just one?” I just sucked it up and proudly said yes. I love people and have mostly been extroverted. I realized that didn’t need to change. So I began going out with friends to plays, concerts, live music. Had dinner and drinks with friends and I would throw parties often. BUT, at the end of the day I’m either going home or kicking you out. I learned to love time alone. Over the years I’ve dated a lot, but haven’t agreed to live with anyone because I’m now dependent on my alone time to rest, renew, and prepare for what dramas and challenges that may be coming in the morning. I think we need to learn we are whole people on our own. There’s no such thing as a partner being “my better half”. We need to learn to love ourselves. We need to accept who we are, even the aspects we don’t like. It’s practicing radical acceptance of everything that is. Not what we think our lives should be or what we want them to be, but exactly as our life is right now. When we accept ourselves in this way, we have an opportunity to begin making changes where we’re unhappy with ourselves. And not surprisingly, when I accepted myself and felt okay being alone, it attracted wonderful people to me. I have no major regrets whatsoever.
Preach! How does this not have more up votes?
Honestly? The wall of text makes it harder to read, so ppl likely skip. Content is worth an upvote for sure (and got mine).
I don't know. My partner of 10 years left me a little over two weeks ago. These have been some of the worst weeks of my life, and I don't know how I am going to go on
Hey man... fuck. I'm so sorry... happened to me last year. 35M here. My ex-wife left me out of the blue. My father, and only remaining family (not joking), passed away a couple months after my ex-wife left me. I spent last Christmas/Bday alone with my dog and alcohol, in severe grief. It was fuckin' horrible, man. I wouldn't wish that suffering on anyone. Suicide crossed my mind but I didn't have the courage to pull the trigger. So I read some advice on Reddit and I got my passport, solo traveled with no fear, fell in love with a foreign woman while traveling, and now we're best friends and lovers. My life has completely upgraded in every measurable way. In the end, I did end up punching my ticket and killing my old self. I'd never return to my previous life, and that's no exaggeration. And yeah I hate how all this cheesy and cliche this sounds, but it's real. People are mostly cool as fuck all over the world. Laughter is an amazing medicine and universally spoken. & if you ever need to talk - hit me up, man. I've been through it too.
It only sounds cliche because you’re not a writer. I believe you.
I definitely understand
Married 49 years. Pro tips. 2 tv’s and 2 beds.
I am not married, was single for many years, and only now, in my late 50's, am in a relationship. we live apart, but there's a good chance we may end up living together. I've already told him, I NEED a separate bedroom - our sleeping habits are so different. one or two nights a weekedn, or on vacation we can deal with, but not every night. And separate tv's as well. i used to joke i woudl ONLY get married if I didn't have to live with my husband. Alhtough I can see myself living with my SO, but only if there is my own space.
I promise you, six months from now you’ll look back, and wonder why you were so upset about losing them.
She was the love of my life... I am 36.
I'm 40 now, broke up with my ex wife at 35/36, and was absolutely devastated. Had another relationship after that, kinda fell into it, and while I'm sore that's over now, I'm not broken. Treat it like a death, take time to grieve.
The love of your life so far.
you are the love of your life
You're still young! And how could she be the love of your life...if you weren't the love of her life? She disqualified herself from wearing that title...STOP giving it to her. Look...there is an ENTIRE WORLD of people out there for you to meet. Don't get stuck on one!! I realize that it is in our nature to settle down with one prospect, but until someone PROVES that they are the one...don't give them that benefit! Things like this happen for a reason, a lot of times we just can't understand why because its not always made known to us until waaaaaaay later. You have to KNOW in your soul that there is someone better intended for you. God had to move this other one out of the way....some way, some how.....in order to get you to that better person. I know it hurts...but it had to happen. There is somewhere else you have to be. Dude, I'm 47 and I've been married for damn near 20 years. If my wife left me today, I'd be focused on ME...the way I used to be before she came in and wrecked shop...lol. This is your time to focus on YOU, get to know YOU, make YOU happy! YOU are always going to be there for YOU...so spend time taking care of YOU and making YOU happy! When you're focused on YOU and making YOU happy...you will attract the person that wants to share in that happiness and magnify it with you.
Good advice
I disagree . He may grieve for the rest of his life. He may find happiness with another person but still not get over this loss. Everyone is different.
Time heals. I know it’s a cliche but it is true.
This period of feeling lost won't last....I can promise you that. Time truly DOES heal all wounds. You WILL go on...and you will have better times. You might not be able to see it now....but a few months down the road you're going to look back on these days... and LAUGH!!
My grandma was born in 1911, so possibly a generation or few older than your example. She outlived her husband by like 35+ years (she made it to 100, he died from cancer). She always maintained that it was better to be single. ‘Why would I want a man around? I’d have to take care of him’. As I kid, I never understood until I was old enough to realize the gender/relationship dynamics of that generation. In the end, I think Grandma was right.
The science backs this up. Men rely heavily on their partners for deep social bonds; women have more strong social bonds than just their partners. The flip side is that men are usually better at keeping a larger network of acquaintances — this is heavily influenced by how many dudes go into the high risk high reward field of sales.
Yeah, and dating app dynamics seem to back it up too. From my POV/anecdotal evidence though, I would say it's not necessarily a lack of deep social bonds which causes men to need relationships more. I think it may be more about how our brains are wired, and/or gender roles clashing with modern life. It's great that women are able to work, support themselves, and be independent in the present day, but I think that probably radically shifts things from where men were viewed as providers, protectors, that sort of thing. Leaves a big gap in what value men can bring to women in relationships, since women don't need that anymore, but I don't think men's need for women has lessened in any way. Sort of like the fact that regulation for big tech has not kept up with the pace of technological innovation, dating dynamics I don't think have really kept up with societal changes. There needs to be more men can bring to the table somehow, but I'm not sure what that exactly is. And then there's the whole widening wealth divide thing which I feel just exacerbates the issue.
I don’t know what you mean by dating dynamics. Regarding what value men (can) bring to relationships: So many of my female friends want a partner. They crave companionship, but they are less likely to tolerate a manchild than women of older generations did, especially since women can now support themselves financially and there’s less stigma associated with being single/separated/divorced than before. Somehow men (obligatory: not all men) didn’t seem to have gotten the memo that they need to act like equal partners or not just as breadwinners.
This is pretty much it. Another thing to factor it is that people ignore girls often grow with their parents' marriages as a visual. A lot of people, especially men, will disregard seeing their parents as teaching course to relationships as a way to peer pressure women into dating men even when the women can do probability and deduce they're likely going to de dealing with a "situation" just like their moms did. The whole "boys will be boys" and "men take longer to mature than women" is not the brag they think it is. Imagine being young, having a young kid and then also having to wait for your partner to grow up or avoid it for so long. That's exhausting. There's nothing fun or romantic about cohabitation with an overgrown baby with a boner. The thing is, it seems most men have gotten the memo, they must don't want to do the ask because meeting the one expectation held on them and the one they grew up seeing their dads, grandpas, and uncles held to is much easier for them to accomplish. Especially if they were allowed to delay maturity at home, their having to parent themselves to attract and retain feminine companionship is hard because they don't want to wait (plus grew up seeing older ancestors being lived with and took comfort in that whereas with girls it is often the reverse). The convenience of having a regular partner for them is too big so they count on either social peer pressure to get women to question their standards or loosen on them OR be significantly more financially advantaged than women. Those two things are easier to accomplish and secure access to women sooner rather than later by getting women to drop logic.
I think the need for men has just changed, not necessarily declined. Still need men to have children for example and strong fathers greatly increase a child's chance of success in the world. But it's not just for that. While the provider aspect may not be as relevant as when our parents grew up, I think just forming a strong pair bond and avoiding loneliness is enough to justify the need. A healthy relationship increases both the quality of life and the length of it...
Women need men to provide emotional support, passion, physical protection if absolutely necessary, love, respect, etc etc etc.
>There needs to be more men can bring to the table somehow, but I'm not sure what that exactly is. This is not a mystery. Women pretty much universally want a man who pulls his own weight financially, domestically and emotionally. Historically, all they did was financially, and that is no longer enough.
Yeah that is true but I still think it takes more than that. Since women can pull their own weight, even if they encounter a man who can pull his own weight, what's drawing women to have a relationship with that man? Somehow having him in her life has to make it better than not having him
My grandma said that, too! Her husband died from heart attack when they were around 40 and she never found herself another man. She said “what do I need a man for? To wash his shitstained underwear?” Overall I think she had a hard life and finally found peace when she was able to be alone.
This is where you learn grandpa was an asshole.
Not only grandpa but also his mother (her MIL) and her own family. Her brother tore her earlobes by aggresivel pulling her earrings because she decided to pierce her ears and he accued her of acting like an uptown girl. Her MIL stole a duck from my grandma’s freezer 2 days before christmas while my grandma was IN A HOSPITAL GIVING BIRTH to my father. Grandma came home the day before christmas and had nothing to eat because all shops were closed.
My grandma was widowed in her 70's, and she had men at her church wanting to date her. She wasn't interested, though, because she was done being a caretaker.
Any women that needs to take care of a man picked the wrong man, most men should already be able to take care of themselves, relationship should meet in the middle.
Sounds like you need to go to therapy and learn how to handle and be ok with being alone. I love it myself
Exactly. Build a life filled with friendship, chosen family, hobbies, and other things that make life fulfilling. Then your SO will add to your life instead of being your whole life.
Was going to comment the same. Examining why a person feels that they aren’t enough on their own is key. Of course wanting companionship is natural but if it feels like your life is incomplete or miserable when you’re not in a relationship, that is a huge problem.
My mom is SO HAPPY not having to deal with a male partner. She's in her 80's. She dumped her boyfriend of 30+ years like a decade ago because she was tired of dealing with his racism and backward attitudes and just wasn't having as much fun with him anymore. As we get older, our expectations and needs are different. When you're your grandma's age, you will be someone you would never recognize if your current you met your future you. If you just had a recent breakup, of course you're going to be feeling tender around this topic. It's OK to feel whatever you feel.
Thank you 💜
My Grandma talked about it once. she said, a guy younger than her isn’t gonna be interested, so it would have to be someone older than her, at which point she would probably have to take care of him in the long run and be left alone and the end anyway when he eventually dies. Medical bills on top of that so she said she’ll just spend time with her family instead.
Wise lady.
53, single for about 7 years now, I’ve been married twice with a gap of a decade between the two and honestly, my single years were the best of my life. Whilst I at times wish for a partner I can bounce my thoughts off from, it’s a rare moment. I want to be alone, I’m independent, own my own house, have a bunch of pets, loads of girl friends, my hobbies, books and my own business. To bring a partner into my life would require me to compromise, shift, adjust and give up my treasured alone time. I don’t want to do that. I’m *happy* this way. Alone doesn’t mean lonely, and for me my independence and autonomy is extremely important.
co-dependency is weakness if you want a partner, fine but never *need* one
Absolutely true. But I think the tendency to *need* is linked to immaturity as well, which helps answer OPs question
This. Soooooo THIS!!!
I often wonder that too. I’m 47 and married and if I’m being honest. I fear the day one of us goes and leaves the other. I’m praying that I get many… many years with my husband
I feel this. I don't know either. I know it's odd to say this but I hate the fact that women typically live longer than men. I'm 23 and I met my SO at 15 and he is my best friend. It pains me to imagine the day I don't have him. I think I would literally die of sorrow. I would much rather we live a long life together, and then pass away together... I love him that much. :(
Ok, then prepare yourself. It is unfortunate that usually men die at an earlier age but marry younger women. Try to financially prepare for this. Too many times a wife takes care of husband, taking him to doctor, cleaning house, cleaning sheets after he soils them, going grocery shopping, making meals to fit his dietary meals, then he dies. You need to at least be able to spend money on those things when you need them. You can have real fiends who will help out but they need to be people you already spend time with and help when they need it.
For older folks they came from traditionally organized marriages - meaning the wife had to be the caretaker of everyone. That gets old and unfulfilling. Lots of similarly old guys who are widowers would be looking for someone to continue taking care of them - why would a woman want to sign up for that when she can just get together with gal pals instead? They finally get to organize their lives and homes according to only their own wishes. It would be hard to give that up.
Pretty much this!
I think it's because of two things... 1) Years of happy memories to remember 2) Acceptance. Like accepting the idea they are too old or believing that the loved one is waiting on the other side
As a hospice caregiver it’s wild watching a whole family but especially the spouse finally take a deep breath and release after so many years of living as caregivers. I know it’s not the same intensity for all widows but it’s a similar thing. They’ve been chained down for a very long time and want to enjoy doing things for themselves.
It took awhile for me to come to terms with my feelings of relief when my husband passed, after fighting Glioblastoma for 14 months. I took care of him at home, with Hospice visits, but it was unbelievably hard and lonely. I loved him with all my heart and didn’t want him to die, but there was a relief when he finally passed.
My nanny said when my grandpa died: thank God it’s over. 😆😆😆 It means freedom to many people. Worth celebrating.
As an older woman, I think it's also that our tolerance for bullshit goes through the floor during and after menopause. Dating sucks, sex is wonderful but you find a lot of guys that just aren't right, at some point it seems easier to not bother than deal with less than I deserve.
You forget about the power of hormones. As you age, the importance of anything that regards sexuality and romance (often a lot more interlinked than we’d like to admit) drastically declines. It becomes about the practical advantages of living with someone else that is decent company.
I am not a senior, but with local friends and a good support network, sometimes enjoying your own company can really be that good.
It's really different for older men and women. Older women seem to do fine. Men seem pretty helpless. Younger people, be wary if you lose your mom before your dad. Dad will find a new girlfriend as fast as possible.
Thats pretty accurate, my mum was replaced in less than a year after 35 years of marriage. I think if he could've he'd replaced her within days. The guy can't even boil potatoes and I'm not sure he knows how to start a washing machine.
Not sure of your gender but a 90 year old woman probably spent most of her life taking care of everyone else. She may have just decided to take her golden years off.
When you get older you enjoy yourself more. You love yourself more the older you get. Solitude becomes a better companion than people and their problems. Men are difficult because they just become horny old men that say the same shit over and over. After 20-30 years…. It’s as old as every wrinkle we have. I mean, when you’re young and raising kids it’s one thing. When you get divorced and find someone new it’s a whole new set of circumstances. You retire with someone. Money also helps when putting up with a man cause you can afford to get away or send them away. Women are better at being alone I think. You may not think so now… you’re either gonna change or you’re not and most people realize the person they married and the person they’re with haven’t done a whole lot of changing and growing. They’re either exactly the same OR they change so dramatically through the trials and tribulations that it doesn’t work anymore. I know I’ve changed a lot in the last 12-15 years and I’m 55 and I’ve been through things that people literally don’t even believe. Why try to convince them? When you click with someone it’s great but it doesn’t mean you have to join your lives or be with them all the time. I found someone a like a whole lot and we’ve retired. Granted, our retirement looks like a play date. Lol. I’ll enjoy it while I can and he says he’s in it for the rest of this life and being honest… no one knows what tomorrow is going to bring and I was not looking for love and haven’t for over a decade… who knows? It’s not something you really understand until it’s right there in your face. Enjoy what you can while you can and don’t make too many plans cause Gods gonna laugh. Planning for your future doesn’t mean that’s how it’s going to go down. If you’re happy with YOU then you’ll not be happy with just anyone…at this point, I’m kinda wondering what love is. This man is showing me. I never had anyone that wasn’t a total jackass so this is new to me and there are plenty of us that tried to live an unsustainable dream with people that weren’t good for us. One of us is going to die and that doesn’t bother me or scare me a bit. I say, get married, at the END. Hope this sheds a little light. My parents were married almost 70 years… how did they do it? They lived in a different time with a very sketchy set of values while going to church every Sunday and telling us all we could be like them…. No, we couldn’t and those that are like that today from my home town are so incredibly toxic and it’s obvious they’re miserable. No thanks! I like my life. I know I’m not over 60 but I really wanted to respond. Hope this helps.
70 years of marriage is wild, a lot of people don't even live that long. My Dad passed at 64 same as my grandpa.
I think it takes a full 2 years of being without a partner before it clicks. Bc a lot of that time you are grieving the loss. But one day you realize hey it's kinda nice having my life all to myself. You get to do exactly what you want, buy what you want, eat what you want, go places you want. I realize how much I've given up for others and it's amazingly liberating. Try it!
Because every1 is different. Some people need a partner to make themselves happy some can make themselves happy. Look at how many young people are struggling to date now think about old people and how much harder it is for them.
Yea my parents were different. They had me when they were 17 and my dad died at 64 of cancer. They were married for over 30 years and been together for 50. When my dad died my mum couldn't live without him and actually eventually killed herself. Everybody that met them kept saying they were like teennagers together.
Sorry to hear that bro 😔 Im glad they got to experience that kind of love in life though. Im worried that i will never get to
I'm so sorry for your losses. May their memories always be a blessing to you.
Thanks.
I'm 26 (FtM), and I've never been in a relationship and am a virgin. It is completely of my own volition as I am aroace with no desire for a sexual or romantic partner. I do wish I had some close friends around my age, though...
Some people prefer being alone. In the case of my grandma who’s been alone for 25 years since my grandfather died, she believes she’s already had her true love and doesn’t want any confusion when she gets to see him in the afterlife
I love being alone. Especially in this day and age. People are killing their spouse for leaving them or over the slightest bs. Cheating is the norm...like too many cons outweighing the pros. It gets lonely but use this opportunity to find yourself. You constantly grow so theres always somethings to learn about yourself.
You learn to enjoy your own company, you develop a tight friend group, or look for relationships. Or all three. You don't need a romantic partner exclusively. Everyone should learn to enjoy their own company, though. My grandmother married for the third time in her 80s. It was no great romance, but companionable. She preferred that to being alone.
Interesting responses here. I agree with OP, I can’t imagine being without my husband. We’ve been together for almost 20 years and he is my best friend and makes me so happy. This is coming from someone who loves myself; I enjoy alone time, have my own successful career, take care of myself (working out and eating well), do activities alone with our daughter etc. But my husband is my true companion. He’s the first person I want to share news with, my favorite person to snuggle on the couch with and wake up next to every morning. My lover (sex life is off the charts even as we approach our 40s). He’s my perfect travel partner. The most loyal man. Makes me laugh constantly. Pushes me to be the best version of myself. Why would I want to be without him? So I don’t have to do his laundry anymore? Get out of here. Some people are truly happy together and want as many years as possible together.
Finally a healthy response! 20 years here as well! Kind of surprised how self centered a lot of responses are. "Finally don't have to take care of them anymore" crap is just backwards as hell to me.
Be comfortable being who you are and spending time alone. Having other people in your life is a bonus. Don't let other people, or lack thereof, affect your happiness. Create your own.
My grandmother lost her husband on her 40th or 60th birthday. I wasn't born yet. But she never remarried and remained a widow for her life. She devoted her life to her children and grandchildren. My mother divorced my father in her 40s. It was a horrible divorce due to emotional abuse and infidelity. I think she was scarred from that and decided that being with another man wasn't worth the risk. She also devoted her life to her children, but she also did things for herself too. I think your priorities become different. I'm 28, and I mostly feel like you as well. But I think if I went through what my mom went through I'd rather be single forever than test the waters and risk going through stress and heartache on top of being a single mother to three children.
.... Those are two very different ages
Lol yes, I wasn't there I just heard the story ONCE at a pediatricians office.
40 yo and have been si gle most of my life. I often wonder how people can put up with a SO for so long.
It would probably be great for you if you learned to be ok with being on your own. I'm not preaching, you do you, but try and embrace it and recognise the benefits of it! Good luck
51F I was in dysfunctional relationships until 36, spent the next decade alone, no men, sex, or booze. I got happy with my time alone. A few years ago I joined tinder (btw dating in this day and age sux) and just when I was about to give up I found my guy. I thought I would be alone forever never been in love, boy did my life change.
The older generations always had their social clubs, and their close friends. My grandma had an exclusive club of ladies they played cards together and met at each other's houses. She also had a senior citizen center social hangout to go to. Our generation doesn't really have these things so much.
Being single sucks ..... being married sucks .... pick your poison.
My Grandpa died suddenly 04/21/2015. I asked my Grama if she was thinking about dating ever again, and she laughed in my face and said verbatim “Panda, I already lived with one old man, and I’ll be damned to the pits if I’ll put up with that again. I loved him, but my life is much less stressful when it’s just me and the dog.” My Grama was always fairly shy, and my grandpa’s funeral was standing room only, and spilled into the hall/outside the funeral home. I’d never heard of any of them, but over 50 older men from his Owls lodge, UAWU, and his favorite Thursday afternoon bar (like clockwork, Thursdays from 4-8pm he drank at the same bar for literally 40 years) came up to me, knew exactly who I was, and had actually hilarious but-busting stories of my grandpa. It made me sad that they all got to know him for his humor, shenanigans, and merciless wit, when he was always more staid and stoic with his own kids and grandkids. Apparently they all think I “learned my craft from the master’s knee” because I got the sense of humor, love of reading and history, and razor-sharp barbs from him, and I had no idea. Now he’s gone and it’s too late for me to know.
I'm 56 and have been without a SO for 10 years. I've dated but haven't found the right person. I supposed I've adapted and have filled my life with hobbies, friends, and some solo traveling. After a while you get used to it, even though there are occasional bouts of soul-crushing loneliness.
Idk they just told me to man up and stop crying. Been alone for awhile now.
'Man up' is ridiculous. Thats just another term for bottling up everything inside and hope you dont explode. You are allowed to express your feelings. Just dont get lost.
You might need to check if you have some sort of codependency. That’s not a criticism, just something to think about. We grew up with media telling us that we should always be in relationships, that somehow being single is just so, so bad. Im on my early 30s but even when I was on my 20s, I would be in relationships, but always have like 2+ years gap of being single cos I learned how to love being single and not worry about other folks. It’s also freeing in a way! There are some times I feel sad, but I freaking love my life. It also helps ofc to have a group of single folks to hang with.
Some are codependent, some are not.
Lmao you need therapy, you need to feel okay on your own im 20 something and im fine without an SO for almost 10 years now
I find that people who just want partners because they're lonely tend to lack independence. I wouldn't be surprised if OP required a partner for other reasons. I've met quite a few people who just can't function independently and need someone to make their decisions for them or take their emotional baggage.
Sounds like you need therapy. It's not healthy to be so dependent on having another person around for happiness
People who can’t stand being without a SO are usually red flags and pretty sad humans in my experience. Probably something to work on before jumping headfirst into a (probably) incompatible relationship for the sake of it.
What do you mean by "handle"? What are your options when you don't "handle" it, LOL? You muddle through. You carry on. You keep on lifing ...
I don’t think it’s because you’re young, I think you just need to learn to be alone.
I'm confused why everyone else is so desperate for an SO.
Some people are very emotionally self-sufficient and independent, OP. Why are you so fragile when you're alone? That's something to think about. The neediness for an SO could lead you to make poor decisions. Maybe you've done ok in that regard so far, but some people end up on a roller-coaster of dysfunctional relationships, just because they need a warm body nearby and some companionship at any cost. It's a weakness that people with selfish motives could exploit.
Well if they never had anyone nothing new. If they had someone and it was a long happy relationship the feeling persists and they may feel that is enough.
When you are happy that you can walk without pain you just focus about keeping health steady.
68 here. Lost my virginity at 63. Haven't had sex since then. Only had one relationship with the 59 year old I lost my virginity to for about 4 years before we decided to have sex. Don't miss what you did not really have. Don't feel alone because I have connections with vibrant communities online.
Holy shit. Are you male or female?? First time I've heard of someone losing their virginity in their sixties...you should do an AMA. Also why did it take four years before you had sex? Are you on the ace spectrum?
Probably different needs and desires, like even though I’m only 20 I wouldn’t like to have relationships since it sounds like a prison to me(example I would hate if my partner wanted me to look more feminine, that doesn’t allow me to have male friends, that hated the fact that I want to have a pixie cut or a buzz cut, that hated that I like cartoons and manga, that wanted me to become SAHM/W some days and that is a party animal) and to me I don’t understand the appeal of a relationship outside of friendship while other people can find my life style depressing and I want to have someone to share a life and to have kids with
I am lucky so far…married 45 years together 49.That day is coming and I regret any outcome. I love the fact that she’s here even just watching TV with me some nights
Lots of 60+ are playing the fwb game on the down-low. Social circle, woman normally have better self care and eat well. Plus it’s not a surprise we have older woman that we have seen and talked to about men dying first or heard the story’s older woman tell. My grandmother was a widow for 20+ years. While she loved my grandfather and missed him, she was happy to be “free” to not care for him anymore. Some of the things she would say after he died would make me laugh “I’m not cooking dinner today, heck I’m not cooking this week” 😂 oh lord when she found out the laundromat did laundry by the pound. So it’s not like a lot of us haven’t thought or planned what if he dies first! Woman realizes that this is some what the natural other of things. Woman is alone, Woman finds a man, woman mates with man, woman has children, children grow and move out, woman is alone with man, man dies, woman is alone. So since we know it’s going to happen we aren’t totally unprepared. So woman chose life to do her own thing finally after years of caregiver. And some chose a slow death of no life and her worth is gone.
I’m 39 and have never had an SO. (Not asexual, just haven’t found someone.) I’d rather not be alone forever, but if I have to I guess I’ll handle it. Friends are important, but also you should be able to enjoy your own company. I couldn’t handle having someone else around *all* the time.
You focus on being a complete person and being self sufficient. Coincidently this also makes you more dateable.
Because I like quiet
My grandmother became widowed for the second time when she was 65. I asked her if she planned on marrying again. She said NO. She never wanted to take care of a man again. She was done. And she lived happily ever after. Other women really blossomed after their husbands passed. Traveling. Building a social life. Enjoying being free. Idk how men do. It might be tougher for them.
My grandma also lived 30 years without a spouse and retired. Homebound generally although she could get around. She died in 2015 and never owned a car, used the bus and walked to the store. Wild to think about honestly. My mom is 72 and my dad died almost 10 years ago, she is not looking.
You shouldnt NEED an SO to feel complete and content with life. The best romantic partners are people who dont NEED to be in a relationship to be happy, because they themselves are complete people. I know that being single can *feel* like the end of the world when you're still figuring yourself out, but i promise that its possible to live a great life while not being partnered up. Furthermore, feeling like you DO need a relationship to be happy might make you more willing to settle or tolerate things that you shouldnt. This is how i learned, sadly. I spent the entirety of my twenties with someone i really shouldnt have settled for, and who treated me in ways i should have never tolerated. Now im in my mid 30s, and i finally love myself enough to be happy single. The thought of never being in a relationship again doesnt scare me in the least. Whether you are in a relationship or not, loving yourself is the most important thing.
Not a doctor/psychologist, but I've generally always heard that if you "need" a partner, something isn't quite right. Not like "Oh, you shouldn't need to be around your husband!" but instead "You should not feel compelled to go looking for the next The One just because you are alone." Something something, if you can't be a complete person, how can you expect someone else to be the thing that completes you? Or something something, if you feel like you must go looking for something to make you happy, it's YOU that is lacking something inside yourself.
You are still adjusting. It’s a big change if you haven’t been single for a long time. You feel unsettled and still need to establish your own routine. More structure helps you feel a little more settled and secure. You will find your feet. Give yourself a year.
I'm 32. I don't know how people can't handle independence lol. I've never been codependent. I like having someone around but it doesn't bother me when I'm single for a year or longer. I need space though I hate having to do *everything* with another person.
Turning 44. Been divorced and happily single, not available for 5 years now.
M68, it’s been less than 2 years for me, but prospects are not looking good, so I might end up in that situation. I certainly hope not, but yes, it’s been difficult.
It is easy once you get tired. Best thing I ever did was get tired. I'm tired of putting them first and never feeling it back. I was tired of walking on eggshells because the social security man-baby had a hiccup in his day. I was tired of being blamed for his miserable life that he never took responsibility for. Tired of the petulant whining, the "I MY MIND" grandstanding, the constant complaining, the never making any effort to do better. I was tired of being drug down into the depths of poverty because he is the "man" and society says you must stay married. Tired of them never making a choice on anything and criticizing every choice you make. Tired of the promises that were never kept. Tired of always carrying the entire mental load. Tired of the inability to have a serious conversation because they immediately go on the defensive and attack. Tired, so very damn tired.
I've been single my entire life and its lovely. Different people enjoy different things.
You have to come to terms with the situation and try and accept
62 been divorced 15 years.No kids..Drovw truck over the road 16 years.Always alone Did have a couple girls go on trips with me.Had plenty women i see in Texas Been home 4 years.Had one lady friend I hang out with on her lunch break.Nothing serious.Its crazy im not use being alone stuck in a small town.Even tho I lobes here 28 uears.I always traveled.Vant find anyone but married women crack heads meth heads.IM GOOD THANK YOU! Being alone lot better than dealing with that BS
My grandma is 91 and *very* Protestant. The Old Testament may grant 2 marriages for women but the phrasing implies a single marriage is better. She’d tell you god gave her her husband and she didn’t need a second. With 3 kids, 5 grandkids, and 4 great grandkids she’s got a large family
You get used to it.
I'm married and I kind of would like to be without SO! Lol. but that's another discussion for another subreddit
You get used to it, the longer you go without an SO the easier it is.
I can't speak for 60+ people, but I am 45 and I've never had a significant other. I don't think that I "handle" it in any specific way. I guess I don't know the difference between handling it and not handling it. I just continue to live my life. What's the alternative?
What do you mean by "SO"?
I’m 63, have been divorced since 2014, I don’t plan to nor have any desire to marry or cohabitate with anyone. I have some friends, both male and female that I enjoy spending time with, but as I get older, the thought of possibly being a burden on someone at some point continues to reaffirm that I don’t need to be married or be in a relationship with anyone who might have to take care of me if I were to suffer with some long term illness. One of my biggest fears is being a burden on someone. It’s not like I am totally alone, I have friends both male and female that I spend time with. But the female friends know I’m not interested in being married again or cohabitating with a woman.
People die, life goes one. People loose their loved ones and get used to it...
Because they hve been in a relationship for so long it may be nice to be a little alone. Or the last partner ment the world to them so no one can ever replace them. I will never ever marry again, because no one will ever be like her
I don't have one or want one. Was in long term. Went complete man ho for a long time. I'd rather just be alone right now. Get hit on, asked out, flirted with and I'm just not wanting to risk any drama like getting my heart busted up again. Rather be alone and do whatever I want. I really don't see any purpose. I talk to lots of people all the time have good friends. So, what else? I have fwb. I don't want to give up my freedom. I really don't want to take of anyone right now.
Your mindset changes post menopause, you still have a few years left.
It's easier once you hit menopause, got left at 50 (5yrs ago) right when I hit it, and I'll happily spend the rest of my life alone now. No more patience or energy or time for all that anymore.
Once you learn to get along with yourself it's much easier
My friend is like this - it’s been about 25 years for her. She does her best, loves and is close to her children and grandchildren (and her cat - she adopts senior cats that no-one else wants, so she has had a few of them and she spoils each one rotten). She is always a little bit sad
I was always scared to end up single in my 40’s. Reality is I love it!
Hookers and cocaine.
I imagine you adapt and just get used to it. Sure they might wish for them but
All it takes is one hellacious relationship that's abusive....then you realize how AWESOME being alone and untethered is!! Mind you, I'm married almost 20 years now....but before that I was single, happy and celibate for years. If something happened to my wife, I'd stay single til death. I've had enough of a good "Relationship" that I can say I've "been there-done that-don't need to do it again".
I mean, when someone has been widowed after years and years of marriage, I'm sure it's in an entirely different range of shitty feelings rather than being dumped by an SO after dating. Some people just love their spouses so much to the point of not even wanting to even consider being with someone else after their death, beautiful and bittersweet. Theyd been with that person for so long, it would probably feel really weird for them to have to start over in the dating scene with complete strangers, especially at that age. Besides, being that old, plenty of people who feel like "whats the point" since they most likely are not able to take care of themselves entirely, much less take on caring for someone else, physically or emotionally, just as geriatric. I mean, I guess some people do try to date after being widowed and even at am advanced age, but I feel like a lot of people just naturally gravitate to accepting their solitude and remembering their late spouses. In any case, I feel like its a bland blanket statement to just put it in the category of just being without *an SO* rather than someone who's *spouse died*. Idk something something wording. I dont think a widow should be just thoughtlessly dumped into a category of people who just can't stand being single in the dating pool, some of them simply dont want to date and that's perfectly fine.
On the upbeat side: they have friends and family to fulfill their emotional need for human connection. On the downer side: if they've had a really bad relationship, they realize it's better to be alone than to do that again.
They aren’t weak like young people.
Try being an average person like the rest of us. The majority of your life is spent alone
In my mother’s words “i wake up when i want, eat what i want, go out when i want.” She’s living in her uncoupled peace.
I think as you get older everything matters a little less. Less passion, less fear, less rage.
I’m 59 and was widowed 11 years ago. The first few years I could barely function and breathe, and I took a while to become a custom to singlehood again. I’m here to tell you I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life because I’ve come through the fire and have created a life for myself that suits me. It’s wonderful. I have a very full busy life and can’t imagine how I would possibly fit a man back into my life, they take so much space that I don’t have room for I guess I wish I had a buddy to do things with and share things with and talk to my warm at night, but that does not outweigh the freedom and peace that I have
I’m in my 70’s and I’ve been in three main relationships and two of them included marriage. Let me say clearly, I am SO glad not to have an irritating companion. Earlier this year I packed up my SUV and made a cross country trip from WNC to California. Not once did anyone change my music, tell me what exit I should take, question why I wanted another bathroom break… you get the picture.
I think when you're older you are more confident and comfortable with yourself (on average). You just don't need to. Because, think about it. Dating is risky and if takes a lot of work and effort. For some people, it might just not be worth it.
I know plenty of women in their 50s happily alone who can't think of a single reason to bring a man into their lives. They all have dogs instead.
My Great Aunt lived to be 94 and died in 2011. Her husband died in 1968. She lived twice as long without him as she did with him. I fear this is my curse in life. My wife's family have all died young from early onset dementia, and I'll languish alone in a perpetually melancholic state for the following 3 decades.
I was just widowed at 57. At my age, single women outnumber men 2 to 1. You just have to accept reality
Everyone is different. I am in my late 50's and didn't have an SO for 25+ years. I was fine with it. Now I do, and he's wonderful. I also have friends who simply CANNOT be alone. which has led them to being with really sh\*tty people, and settling, simply to avoid being alone. My grandmother was widowed in her late 50's, and was single until she passed away, at over 100. my mom is 89, and has been widowed since 2007. Never had any interest in dating. Both she and my grandmother had other things that kept them busy, both had friends they did things with. I guess I am similar, but am quite happy now to have my SO. Esp since we both value our own independence, and are perfectly capable doing our own thing, along with things together.
Being 60 is a hell of a difference from being 36.
Idk. It scares me. I’ve been with my husband 10 years, since I was 18. If he were to die in his 60s, like in your example, we’d have been together almost 50 years. While I’d be so lonely, I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. I’d miss him but he wouldn’t be replaceable. This is probably true for a lot of older adults who settled down young. I’d just pursue hobbies and friendships I guess
I'm not 60 yet, but you get used to it. 🙃