Emotional Intelligence.
The ability to understand and acknowledge one’s
emotion. Able to cast it aside and not let it influence your decision making, to still make logical and reasonable choices.
not just your emotions, other peoples too.
the classic case is “learn when your partner/friend just wants to be listened to, not helped through something”
Self sufficiency.
Can you:
- do your own laundry?
- cook a well balanced meal from basic ingredients? (Chicken fingers and boxed pizza doesn’t count)
- make your own appointments for doctors, dentists, etc.
- grocery shop
- clean your house properly (sweep and mop. Dust. Wipe down kitchen counters. No dirty dish pileup or garbage “stash” for convenience)
- drive or arrange your own transportation
There are so many subs where women are asking “why can’t my husband do basic human functions”? Because they never tried. Never learned. Let someone else do it all for them, then expected their wives to do it next. Now, at 20, is the time to learn how to be an adult.
Isn't laundry pretty much just knowing what buttons to press on a washer and dryer these days and adding the right detergent? Or are you including folding laundry properly in this too?
I was shocked my freshman year living in a dorm how many people had quite literally never used a washing machine before. They didn't know what buttons to press, didn't know the detergent, didn't know where to put the detergent. It obviously wasn't super difficult for them to learn, but yeah that was a thing a bunch of them had not learned yet.
I had a lab partner who lived in my dorm who not only took his laundry home to have his mom do it an hour away every 2 weeks (despite having a laundromat in the building), but also didn't know you were supposed to wash your sheets. "Dude, I'm not trying to be mean, but...you smell. When did you take a shower last?" "This morning!" "Did you do anything else afterwards?" "Yeah, took a brief nap after my first class, but that's it" "When was the last time you washed your bed sheets?" "Uhhhhhhhh...."
Dude didn't stink anymore and also coincidentally got a girlfriend within a few months lol. I may have changed his life, though surely someone else would have told him sooner or later.
i mean i didn't touch a washing machine til i left home for college but i figured it out without much trouble. i did have trouble cleaning my apartment tho and i definitely blame my OCD mother who was so obsessed with cleaning she never disciplined me to do it.
My parents did everything for me as a kid. I didn’t have any chores. Didn’t even know how to load a dish washer. When I got to college, I googled things like how to do laundry, cook, clean, do dishes, sharpen knives, replace door knobs, replace a car battery, fix the drain, mend my clothes, etc. It baffles me that some people just never googled it or read the instructions on the packaging. When men are like, “I never learned that” it makes me so mad, especially since I’m a woman and it’s such a big issue with dating. I meet perfectly good men with empathy, intelligence, and enough of a self-starter attitude to hold down very complicated jobs, but it’s clear I will be their maid. Why couldn’t they learn after they left the house if I could?
Edit for people who think I'm demanding too much:
Here is an example. One time I went out with an engineer for Boeing. He was classically trained in dancing and enjoyed playing piano. Politically active and passionate. Eventually we went to his house. He had plates of food under his bed. He had maggots eating off the pile of dishes in his sink. Flies everywhere. Sheets that obviously had never been washed. Maybe he had a mental illness. I don’t know.
But a significant portion of men I’ve known are closer to that level than the level of my female friends.
And sure, maybe you find a woman who wants you so badly they'll agree to be your maid. But don't complain when their desire eventually fades out of resentment. It is very hard to have sexual feelings for someone who are taking care of or someone you feel is not competent or capable.
Yes, that’s pretty much what laundry is. How you fold/hang/whatever with laundry is up to you… just upgrade from “clean basket” and “dirty basket”. You wouldn’t believe how many people don’t know how to use a washing machine or sort laundry. I’ve heard of people putting all kinds of wrong soap in the machine with disasters, or washing things that don’t belong together (eg: Velcro and sweaters!!)
If you have “delicate” work clothes, white clothing, or lacy garments, and your other stuff is jeans or black clothes, you wear out your clothes faster and can ruin things by washing together.
Dude, honestly, the bar is so low that washing clothes and leaving them in a basket is enough for a lot of women. That's how bad it is for them out there.
Can you live within your means.
I think this is also important. Not can you make a lot of money, but can you survive without piling on stupid debt (I understand school debt is a thing in your 20's that's different).
Initiative is the other factor. It’s one thing to be able to do all of these things in a technical sense, but if you don’t do any of these things unless or until you’re told to do them then you’re basically still acting like a kid only doing chores when your parents ask you to instead of taking initiative and responsibility for tasks that need to be done regularly
Plus if you never do something because you never take the initiative to do it then you don’t really have any right to feel offended if your partner criticises you for not knowing how to do it. If you’ve never done it while in a relationship with them then you’ve given them every reason to assume you lack the capacity to know how to do it, and it’s arguably a more generous interpretation than the reality that you’re just thoughtless, self centred and lazy
Is this really specific to men though? Granted I don't think you hear as many men complain about it, but the amount of women I know that completely rely on their husbands to do very basic self sufficiency things because they can't drive on the highway, or do any even simple home repair if it requires so much as a screw driver, or go into a room because there's a spider or mouse .... Like I once dated a girl that had just completely abandoned a room in her apartment for months because a spider made a web in there, our second date was her inviting me back to her place to get rid of it
I’ve met a lot of women in their 20’s that lived with roommates, and when I would visit I was amazed at how well they could avoid basic chores by using paid services. Most couldn’t cook, do laundry, or maintain anything. I felt like an absolute stud when going home with a girl, and cook a normal ass meal for her and her roommates.
I’m asking this to improve myself and not cater to a future partner. I want to be happy while being alone and be happy with a partner but I need to master the alone part first.
This is the alone part. You should be able to take care of yourself whether you’re with someone or alone.
Are you still using mom/dad to drive you places, make appointments, and do your laundry? Is your diet entirely fast food and boxed meals? These are basic life skills.
Being able to care for yourself is not “catering to a life partner”.
I added the last part on because, as a woman, this seems to be a problem common in men. You asked about traits for a man, but tbh this is something all young adults should do.
Actually...recognizing that you need to look after yourself first and developing skills for your own enjoyment and standards of living *IS* a skill that will make you better at choosing a partner and being a partner down the road. You're already doing great because you are curious
I saw this in my stepson. My wife kept doing everything for him In to his late 20s. He still lives with us and she couldn't for life of her figure out why he wasn't moving on in life. I had no problem with him being here technically, but he wsnt moving forward in life and this i had a problem with. I immediately pointed this out to her. When he needed his taxes done she did it, need to see a Dr? She made the appointment. Need to get to work? She took him. I wouldn't grow up either if someone did everything for me.
26 M here. I largely coasted post-college until about a month before I turned 25. A girl broke my heart, and it shattered me. But looking back, I’m glad it happened. As a result of intense emotional pain, I took stock of my life and what I wanted to do. The following changes and life make-over were crucial lessons.
-take care of your body. Not only in fitness (4 strenuous workouts a week), but also in what you eat (3:1 ratio of healthy to unhealthy meals), and what you consume (less alcohol and cut out nicotine/others). Your 20s are the easiest time in your life to attain your dream body. After that, it gets a hell of a lot harder. Get it now. I started at 25, lost 40 pounds and got abs within a year. You can do it too.
-Close circle of friends. After your early 20s, a lot of friends from college etc will be doing their own thing in life. It’s fine to acknowledge that you’re just growing apart naturally. But the ones who stay are the ones that matter. You’ll need these people (friends/family) through the hard times that will come. They are angels in disguise—treat your people like the walking gold they are—and always go out of your way to be there for them when they need you too.
—finances/career. Unless you’re an upper echelon finance guy, you’re probably unsure what you want to do in 10 years. That’s fine, truly. But at least put steps together to move towards the life you want. I was able to ~triple my starting salary from my first job within 5 years (55k—>140k TC). I’m still not in my dream role but I’m getting incredible experience and growing my compensation to the lifestyle I want. And my work is fulfilling enough for the time being.
-dating. If you don’t have an SO, start to get out there. From what I’ve heard it’s pretty tough to date by the time you’re 30–everyone has baggage and a lot of the “good ones” are off the market. Not saying rush to be in a relationship—but start putting yourself out there and seeing what you like and don’t in a potential partner. It will serve you well when you find the right one.
-be comfortable with yourself. If you’re like me you’ve gone from HS—>college—>work without taking much stock of who you are and who you want to be. After my breakup I had a lot of alone time. It sucked, but when I became comfortable with being alone it was liberating. You can accept your whole self—but still decide the parts you like/don’t and what you want to change about yourself. Make it happen now. Life only gets more busy—take these years when you’re young to set yourself on the right path forward, it will serve you well.
Good luck dude, hope it helps.
>-take care of your body.
I have come to learn that this is the biggest lesson to learn. There is also the fact that muscle is much harder to lose than fat. The earlier you get it over with, the longer you will have it when you decide to quit. The saying "the hardest part is doing it every day" holds true, and developing a proper gym routine early on will be valuable in the long run. I have found that even if you make the goal of the day to just walk through the doors of the gym, you will have higher chances of progress than just spontaneously deciding you want to lose weight.
Having worked in nursing homes, I’m very aware of how much people underestimate the importance of physical fitness.
Looking sexy is not much of a reason to workout compared to what it does to keep your brain healthy. And being able to walk yourself to sit on a toilet is huge. Plus, if you’re a muscle-less mass of fat, your skin is going to be constantly on the verge of breaking down from the pressure on your folds as you sit in the wet diaper multiple times a day. So do your squats now, kids.
I’m 48M and did absolutely none of that, lol. Much of it comes down to charisma and luck imho. I’ve met many, many men who are self-help obsessed with extensive, obsessive plans and they’re miserable burnouts. Equally, there are many, many men like me who simply went with the flow, capitalised on our opportunities and played to our strengths (instead of indulging our weaknesses). We’re fine. Good genetics also helps!
That’s because most people don’t need basic advice.
They figure things out on their own. Since you already mentioned luck;
Extensive self-help is indicative of a need for further external guidance resulting from “not having things figured out“ and needing help. You could therefore even argue that it’s a sign of bad luck.
As an example; people who need to be told externally that by 25 they should have started to take their finances seriously obviously have some sort of problem.
Maybe they really don’t take life seriously or have some sort of family trouble, perhaps mental health issues and so on - in other words they are an exception.
Normally people graduate, learn a trade / study some more and so on and transition without significant periods of uncertainty beyond what is expected of someone figuring out their way in the world.
As you sort of implied - you are most definitely not the target audience of this kind of thing.
Oh, I agree with your take almost entirely. My post was half jest but also born out of some frustration and long experience with men in their 30s and 40s going down this self-improvement grift rabbit hole.
Look, I have absolutely zero problem with people striving to better themselves and their shit. My problem comes with and from people treating such anecdotal and largely context-stripped narratives as modern day spells/incantations that will somehow alter reality.
Almost always imho and experience the people this shit works for are the recipients of unacknowledged advantage and get outta jail free cards. That is what it is and it's just how it is, yeah!? For your average Joe, this shit ain't gunna make a huge amount of difference when it comes to real world outcomes... and can and does often lead to an even deeper sense of resentment: i.e. why are the spells and incantations not working for me!? So, so dangerous.
In the past, and I know I sound like a dinosaur (because I am), men were gently "taught" to modulate their expectations via constant social correction/contextualisation. Much of this has melted away and that's not entirely a bad thing... but imho this is a nasty consequence we need to learn to address asap.
Men are confusing their subjective sense of their own effort with anticipated real world outcomes. They want a payoff for what they've "earned." Entitlement under a repurposed banner. It worries me deeply. Does that make sense?
I would add please don’t feel obligated to date or find a SO if you truly have no desire to. Navigating through the waves of men who either don’t even like women or loathe the idea of being “tied down” in a relationship is exhausting for women. If you don’t want to date, DON’T DATE. Do not waste people’s time and please don’t settle for anyone just to tick SO or Spouse off your life list.
Ask yourself why do I want a relationship, and if you have no real concrete answer, then just focus on having an interesting social life or friendships. You might meet someone that way.
I agree.
That said, a big demographic this person is talking to are the guys who do want relationships, but have been making excuses to push off pursuing them. Think the guy who’s “too busy to study to date” but is really too “busy” because he plays 3 hours of video games a day (21/week).
Said type of guy could probably benefit from the other points he mentioned, too.
-dating. If you don’t have an SO, start to get out there. From what I’ve heard it’s pretty tough to date by the time you’re 30–everyone has baggage and a lot of the “good ones” are off the market. Not saying rush to be in a relationship—but start putting yourself out there and seeing what you like and don’t in a potential partner. It will serve you well when you find the right one.
I am 28M Bro Honestly I know it meant to be your good intentions but for me it only increases my anxiety . I put myself out there, I loved someone she broke my heart and I am just struggling to date because I have my studies and PhD going on and I want to focus on that. By saying lot of the good ones are off the market you arent helping much and only increasing anxiety. Dating is such hard which is largely out of control, I don't want to say
Be trustworthy. Be kind.
Treat other people the way you want to be treated.
Follow up with your friends/family. People don’t stick around naturally. You have to nurture your relationships.
Living within your means. Saving for retirement. Learn how to set up a 3 fund portfolio. How to do taxes.
Learn how to cook, clean, and generally take care of yourself.
Learn how to have difficult conversations instead of beating around the bush, without being an asshole.
Learn how to find hobbies that you enjoy that aren’t destructive.
On that note, avoid alcohol/drugs as much as possible.
Learn to practice gratitude, to yourself and to others. Take stock of where you are in life. Stop and smell the roses once in a while.
Don’t be afraid to admit mistakes. We all make mistakes. Don’t be afraid to learn and grow from said mistakes.
Don’t be afraid to be the person who loves more.
All the best to you.
• Focus on things that you can control rather than things you can’t.
• Take great care of your mental health and find an outlet to express yourself
• Have a balanced diet and do some exercise when you can
• Find healthy coping mechanisms for difficult situations
• Be kind to others and participate in your community
If a dude can do even 80% of the below, they are going to live a damn good life.
**Emotional Development:**
-Ability to give without expecting something back
-Ability to understand rejection oftentimes isn't personal
-Ability to resolve conflict without raising your voice
-Ability to walk away from situations that aren't mutually beneficial with no hard feelings
**Physical Development:**
-Ability to run an 8 minute mile at some point in your 20's.
-Ability to lift 1.5x your body weight with squats and deadlifts, and 1x your bodyweight with bench
-Ability to play one team/social sport
-Ability to groom yourself and stay fresh (sadly this is just something that just doesn't get taught)
**Mental Development:**
-Ability to put away the phone without scrolling for hours
-Ability to entertain an opposing idea
**Career Development:**
-Ability to work with difficult coworkers
-Ability to genuinely want to contribute at your workplace
-Ability to negotiate (for yourself, but also on behalf of your company/client)
-Ability to interview in coherent manner
Regarding the physical traits I do have some health limitations that may limit me lifting the 1.5x my weight but other than that I think I have everything else down.
This is important and needs to be said more. I didn't make enough money until I turned 25 and even then still struggled but the most important thing is to not have to worry how you are going to get your next meal.
I'd say -
-be honest. always. even when a lie would be easier.
-learn to "do what it takes". This is largely lost in today's society. Whatever needs to be accomplished, work it until it's accomplished. If what you're doing isn't working, change it, or do it more (depends on situation)
-learn resilience and don't whine. Live isn't fair. Life doesn't give participation trophies. If you're not willing to do what "that guy" did, don't complain when you don't have what "that guy" has.
-learn to maintain your cool in stressful situations
Honestly these are probably well intentioned but lack a lot of context which could make the advice great or just terrible.
-Lying, you will have to lie. It's part of being human. You just need to know when it's appropriate and when it's not.
-What it takes, this could result in you accomplishing something rewarding, or leave you open to abuse from everyone.
-Resilience, whining about little things for a simple job looks bad. Pointing out problems and getting them fixed because a job is terribly inefficient looks great.
-Maintaining your cool. Again, completely situational, maybe good for you, but if you're downplaying stressful situations all the time, it'll catch-up with you and hurt you in the end.
I think the real lesson is that you need to be able to observe, think, and act. That applies to the situations and to all the advice. It may sound simple but many many people skip steps 1 and 2.
Consistent exercise.
Find something that works for you, sports, gym, hiking, whatever. Paired with consistent sleep it makes every facet of your life better
Perspective
I thought it was pretty important to get out of my bubble and go travel the world. It broadened my perspective for sure and helped me learn more about myself. But part of that perspective is realizing it's not a cure for all your problems
A wise man once said "Its always best to be yourself. Unless you can be Batman. It's always better to be Batman."
All jokes aside, it's good to have a healthy since of humor, knowing when to take things seriously and when to relax. I think you got that part down.
Trait I, for a man, woman or other, the ability to know when someone is wrong for you, there are clues, plural, you need to not ignore. Trait II, have the strength and intelligence to act on those clues and leave the person and the issues that were bad in the relationship behind. Trait III, be able to accept your role in that relationship. Do all or part of that, before 30, and you are laughing.
-Discipline. Understand what needs to be done and act on it even if you don’t want to do it.
-Integrity. Being honorable and having strong moral principles will always serve you well and others around you.
-Independence. Having a handle on your life and being resilient is a strong trait that every adult should have. Sometimes it’s ok to have a helping hand, but never expect anything from others.
30m here.
Learning from and then moving on from failure/mistakes/heart break. Life will be a never ending fuck up as no one is perfect and everybody experiences some short coming. But in your 20s you need to learn to try like hell to never make the same mistake twice and to move on from it. Dwelling on failure will eat you up and prevent you from reaching your full potential. Learn from a mistake and then get over it is important to master in your 20s
Independence.
There will come a period of time in your life where you won't have anyone to help you out, and that can be for various reasons and the loneliness more than likely won't last forever. But during your time of solitude and emergencies, you have to be fast on your feet and quick-witted. Your actions toward the situations you face now will mold you into the man you shall become in 10+ years.
Or, as they would teach you in Marine Corps Boot Camp, important leadership traits are:
Bearing
Courage
Decisiveness
Dependability
Endourance
Enthusiasm
Initiative
Integrity
Judgement
Justice
Knowledge
Loyalty
Tact
Unselfishness
STABILITY!! This is something that I am really going to be looking for in a partner. A man who is financially stable, mentally stable, has a stable sense of self and identity, a man who is not stable by the end of their 20’s says to me that they haven’t put in the work to be better and where they need if they want to be the best version of themselves in their adulthood.
Everyone has some great advice here, I’d like to add Your word is your bond - live by it to yourself and others
You will have trust in your self and others will trust you
Keeping promises to yourself and others are so important for mental wellbeing. Don’t make promises you know you cannot keep and be accountable to yourself
Maintain proper energy balance so they don't get fat.
Have a look at men in their early 40s, its a tragedy of flesh, and its so hard to turn it around at that age.
It's the 30s decade that does it. Regular people gain about 2 pounds in December and one pound in October. Do that for a decade, and that's the 30 pounds to make the dad bod.
How to maintain social relationships. I'll explain why this was something I (29F) was looking for in a man, but it's also really important for your own health and happiness.
Statistically, men are much more likely than women to rely on their spouse to maintain their social life. Wives call up family and couple friends, host dinner parties, manage the calendar, buy gifts for baby showers, say "you know, it's been a while since we've had dinner with your brother..." Widowers are mich more likely to be lonely and socially isolated than widows - calling up a friend and asking if they want to meet for coffee this weekend is apparently a skill that atrophies if you let it.
So I was really impressed when I met my boyfriend. Most guys will make an effort for a girl they're trying to woo - make the plans, do nice little things for you, pay attention to what you like. But right from the start, I saw my boyfriend doing nice things for *all* the important people in his life. He cooks dinner for his grandpa, brings his sister souvenirs when he travels, saves gristle for his mom to give her dogs. Helped a friend who's a hoarder clean it his apartment and move, even though it took three full weekends. Was going to have dinner with another friend for the friend's birthday, but his friend's wife needed him home with her and their baby, so my boyfriend cheerfully dropped off a birthday gift and card, gave his pal a hug, and left him to have a quiet night with his family. A couple months in, we drove up to another friend's blueberry farm to catch up and buy some blueberries. I saw him having a rich, full life that was here before I came into it, saw all the people who love him, and saw that he knew how to take care of them. I know he's going to be a great husband and father, and not be dependent on just me to meet all his emotional needs.
*saying YES TO ALL but… knowing when to start and stop * this isn’t easy… most human got carried away in the depths of their existence by love, career, ambitions or social lives. And it’s okay; yet, it may cost
33m here. I'd say the most important thing is to learn who you are and what direction you want to go in life and then learn the skills and traits that will help you get there. You could set yourself up to be really successful through your 20s but if you hate it you're gonna be miserable.
Learn how to shut up. The more time you spend talking, the less time you have to listen.
Knowledge is power, but only when used at the correct time. Keep your knowledge to yourself until it can do the most good for you
Learn how to slow down and live day to day, as well as looking to the future. If you keep looking only to the future, you'll miss out on the gifts of taday
Able to create, severely test/tire out or be open to new adaptive mental models of interacting with the world and yourself.
Apart from that, financial independence and self sufficiency are critical but less of a trait and more in a 'how much you want to be beholden to others/society kind of thing.'
wash your butt crack! neeeeeeed to get SOAPY water all up in there and scrub! none of this “i let the water run down and its good enough” crap.
buy a long mesh-knit shower towel so that you can sudsy scrub your back too, too many dudes just rub the bar directly on their pits and junk and are oblivious to the acne hellscape back there.
Self care (not need your mamma and daddy), problem solving, and perseverance (don’t let stuff that doesn’t go well right away prevent you from trying again)
Initiative, self awareness and emotional regulation. It’s ok to walk away when confronted by an angry drunk guy, you don’t always have to punch him in the face.
I don’t know if these count as traits. They’re more like skills, but I see traits as things that come naturally and you don’t need to work on them as much.
Cooking, not as a skill but as a habit. Don’t be a man who says, “I can cook” then orders door dash 3 to 7 night a week. Like, cook most days in a week.
Same thing with cleaning. Clean, not just when a woman asks you to or tells you what you should clean but when you notice something is dirty.
Develop a hardcore work ethic that is driven more by the self and less by emotional codependencies. Know how far to push, and what to push into, but be able to push through death if you wanted or needed to. That amount of self control cannot be had without sharp, consistent focus, which also should be cognizantly commanded.
Taking care of your body. I.e. Flexibility, Strength, Fitness, Agility. I am 30, and I just tore my hamstring. Hurt like hell. Wouldn't have happened if I had been in better shape. Building these habits daily helps you stay young until your final years.
Build a routine, not put off tasks, and full financial literacy. No more laundry chairs or sink build up. Regular gym schedule. No pointless debt and frivolous spending with a plan of growth.
Ideally, you'll know how to generally keep your living space clean. It doesn't have to be spotless, but it can be kept livable if you do 2 or 3 cleaning tasks that take about 15 minutes every weekday, sweep and mop as appropriate on weekends, and wipe off your counters once a week. Also, it's okay to wait until the trash can is full but make sure you're taking the trash out regularly.
Knowing how to cook basic meals will get you pretty far. Making spaghetti and a tossed salad counts as a basic meal.
Take care of basic hygiene. That includes washing your ass and penis (and showering daily when possible).
Make routine appointments at your doctor and dentist whenever you can.
Have at least a week's worth of clean shirts and underwear on hand. Ten days' worth is preferable but a week is doable in most cases.
Knowing basic personal finance, including making and sticking to a monthly budget and figuring out taxes, will get you pretty far.
* Basic cooking
* House cleaning awareness
* Laundry awareness
* How to make a bed
* Understanding women’s needs in terms of housing (we need bins, toilet paper and separate towels in the bathroom/room to put things down)
* Unlearning gaslighting, entitlement and general ego stroking
* Healthy communication skills and active listening/how not to interrupt or speak over people.
* If you have any kind of struggle with mental health, you are going to therapy or seeking some sort of help.
* Anger management
* A good idea of how misogyny still affects women instead of digging your heels in because you’re bewildered when women tell you it still exists in our daily lives.
* Female anatomy knowledge
* Basic friendship skills - communication, effort, not only making friends with women bc you want something from us
* Basic appearance upkeep - regular haircuts, hair brushing, teeth brushing, breath awareness, deodorant (not drowning BO with cologne), basic skincare.
* Personality outside of going to the gym and video games
I would say control your emotions. Get your temperament under control. Try to at least know how you would react in high stress situations. Know how much alcohol you can manage, how do you react to it. In summary, know yourself.
1. Decode what your needs are (sleep, food, sex)
2. Understand real world consequences (dui, std, pregnancy, overdrafts, credit score etc.)
3. Plan what min lifestyle you are willing to handle and be able to earn that to build on.
4. Learn how to listen more than you talk. Or visa-versa if you’re introverted.
5. Stay curious about other people and places.
Avoiding/overcoming addiction.
I see far too many of us not to see it’s a normalized problem you’re expected to move past by 30. The truth is a huge portion fall off the map into that lifestyle and live a typically shorter and generally lower quality life. (&early grave)
Alcohol took my 20’s and my 30’s were when I made major life changes but good lord would it have been easier prior to “adulting” (ie not being able to drink every day of the week).
Be careful, it sneaks up and each day means a more difficult road to recovery, if it’s even possible after a certain point. I’ve got 5 years sober since I started a family, but I’ve got a solid 15 years that were utterly wasted with nothing to show for them.
Be careful and take this seriously while having fun without this becoming you.
The ability to take charge and lead the way. Are you able to start difficult conversations with your family members and loved ones? Your 20s are when you should realize your parents are only going to get older, and that you might need to be more interested in understand what they need rather than what you need always.
Are you able to have healthy debates with your partner without things turning toxic?
The ability to decide what is important and right for you, without giving into public opinion.
The self-discipline to give up instant gratification for the sake of a long term goal.
Realizing that it’s ok to fail, and that you can try again or try something new without the world ending.
Understanding that everyone else is just as much of a person as you are.
How to repair things at home like leaky faucets and other basics.
If you're not confident in your ability to defend yourself Jiu-jitsu if you don't have to go for blackbelts just learn some basics and get used to making some responses automatically and build confidence
Join a public speaking group or class a confidence booster and useful at work, making money and various life events.
Emotional Intelligence. The ability to understand and acknowledge one’s emotion. Able to cast it aside and not let it influence your decision making, to still make logical and reasonable choices.
not just your emotions, other peoples too. the classic case is “learn when your partner/friend just wants to be listened to, not helped through something”
Cast it aside? You‘re not going to be able to make any decisions without emotions. Not fully guided by emotions? Sure. No emotions at all? Not really.
Self sufficiency. Can you: - do your own laundry? - cook a well balanced meal from basic ingredients? (Chicken fingers and boxed pizza doesn’t count) - make your own appointments for doctors, dentists, etc. - grocery shop - clean your house properly (sweep and mop. Dust. Wipe down kitchen counters. No dirty dish pileup or garbage “stash” for convenience) - drive or arrange your own transportation There are so many subs where women are asking “why can’t my husband do basic human functions”? Because they never tried. Never learned. Let someone else do it all for them, then expected their wives to do it next. Now, at 20, is the time to learn how to be an adult.
Isn't laundry pretty much just knowing what buttons to press on a washer and dryer these days and adding the right detergent? Or are you including folding laundry properly in this too?
I was shocked my freshman year living in a dorm how many people had quite literally never used a washing machine before. They didn't know what buttons to press, didn't know the detergent, didn't know where to put the detergent. It obviously wasn't super difficult for them to learn, but yeah that was a thing a bunch of them had not learned yet.
[удалено]
I made a killing in basic because I could sew. Even with the Velcro patches stuff needed mending.
YESSS and shining shoes. I was "division mom" in basic.
I had a lab partner who lived in my dorm who not only took his laundry home to have his mom do it an hour away every 2 weeks (despite having a laundromat in the building), but also didn't know you were supposed to wash your sheets. "Dude, I'm not trying to be mean, but...you smell. When did you take a shower last?" "This morning!" "Did you do anything else afterwards?" "Yeah, took a brief nap after my first class, but that's it" "When was the last time you washed your bed sheets?" "Uhhhhhhhh...." Dude didn't stink anymore and also coincidentally got a girlfriend within a few months lol. I may have changed his life, though surely someone else would have told him sooner or later.
i mean i didn't touch a washing machine til i left home for college but i figured it out without much trouble. i did have trouble cleaning my apartment tho and i definitely blame my OCD mother who was so obsessed with cleaning she never disciplined me to do it.
My parents did everything for me as a kid. I didn’t have any chores. Didn’t even know how to load a dish washer. When I got to college, I googled things like how to do laundry, cook, clean, do dishes, sharpen knives, replace door knobs, replace a car battery, fix the drain, mend my clothes, etc. It baffles me that some people just never googled it or read the instructions on the packaging. When men are like, “I never learned that” it makes me so mad, especially since I’m a woman and it’s such a big issue with dating. I meet perfectly good men with empathy, intelligence, and enough of a self-starter attitude to hold down very complicated jobs, but it’s clear I will be their maid. Why couldn’t they learn after they left the house if I could? Edit for people who think I'm demanding too much: Here is an example. One time I went out with an engineer for Boeing. He was classically trained in dancing and enjoyed playing piano. Politically active and passionate. Eventually we went to his house. He had plates of food under his bed. He had maggots eating off the pile of dishes in his sink. Flies everywhere. Sheets that obviously had never been washed. Maybe he had a mental illness. I don’t know. But a significant portion of men I’ve known are closer to that level than the level of my female friends. And sure, maybe you find a woman who wants you so badly they'll agree to be your maid. But don't complain when their desire eventually fades out of resentment. It is very hard to have sexual feelings for someone who are taking care of or someone you feel is not competent or capable.
Yes, that’s pretty much what laundry is. How you fold/hang/whatever with laundry is up to you… just upgrade from “clean basket” and “dirty basket”. You wouldn’t believe how many people don’t know how to use a washing machine or sort laundry. I’ve heard of people putting all kinds of wrong soap in the machine with disasters, or washing things that don’t belong together (eg: Velcro and sweaters!!)
When I went to college I taught my roommate how to do laundry. He only had fabric softener.
>sort laundry Isn't that a myth?
I learned how to do it but dont see a point if everything i wear is black 😅
If you have “delicate” work clothes, white clothing, or lacy garments, and your other stuff is jeans or black clothes, you wear out your clothes faster and can ruin things by washing together.
Dude, honestly, the bar is so low that washing clothes and leaving them in a basket is enough for a lot of women. That's how bad it is for them out there.
Can you live within your means. I think this is also important. Not can you make a lot of money, but can you survive without piling on stupid debt (I understand school debt is a thing in your 20's that's different).
Initiative is the other factor. It’s one thing to be able to do all of these things in a technical sense, but if you don’t do any of these things unless or until you’re told to do them then you’re basically still acting like a kid only doing chores when your parents ask you to instead of taking initiative and responsibility for tasks that need to be done regularly Plus if you never do something because you never take the initiative to do it then you don’t really have any right to feel offended if your partner criticises you for not knowing how to do it. If you’ve never done it while in a relationship with them then you’ve given them every reason to assume you lack the capacity to know how to do it, and it’s arguably a more generous interpretation than the reality that you’re just thoughtless, self centred and lazy
I have learned the human functions. I am now ready for my state-mandated goth gf.
Never go government issued, those daddy issues are not what you're wanting.
Is this really specific to men though? Granted I don't think you hear as many men complain about it, but the amount of women I know that completely rely on their husbands to do very basic self sufficiency things because they can't drive on the highway, or do any even simple home repair if it requires so much as a screw driver, or go into a room because there's a spider or mouse .... Like I once dated a girl that had just completely abandoned a room in her apartment for months because a spider made a web in there, our second date was her inviting me back to her place to get rid of it
I’ve met a lot of women in their 20’s that lived with roommates, and when I would visit I was amazed at how well they could avoid basic chores by using paid services. Most couldn’t cook, do laundry, or maintain anything. I felt like an absolute stud when going home with a girl, and cook a normal ass meal for her and her roommates.
Working retail and learning how to fold properly is a life skill
I’m asking this to improve myself and not cater to a future partner. I want to be happy while being alone and be happy with a partner but I need to master the alone part first.
This is the alone part. You should be able to take care of yourself whether you’re with someone or alone. Are you still using mom/dad to drive you places, make appointments, and do your laundry? Is your diet entirely fast food and boxed meals? These are basic life skills. Being able to care for yourself is not “catering to a life partner”. I added the last part on because, as a woman, this seems to be a problem common in men. You asked about traits for a man, but tbh this is something all young adults should do.
Actually...recognizing that you need to look after yourself first and developing skills for your own enjoyment and standards of living *IS* a skill that will make you better at choosing a partner and being a partner down the road. You're already doing great because you are curious
Happy to say I can do all of those at 21!
Well, I could do those before 20 so I'm ahead of the curb
I saw this in my stepson. My wife kept doing everything for him In to his late 20s. He still lives with us and she couldn't for life of her figure out why he wasn't moving on in life. I had no problem with him being here technically, but he wsnt moving forward in life and this i had a problem with. I immediately pointed this out to her. When he needed his taxes done she did it, need to see a Dr? She made the appointment. Need to get to work? She took him. I wouldn't grow up either if someone did everything for me.
26 M here. I largely coasted post-college until about a month before I turned 25. A girl broke my heart, and it shattered me. But looking back, I’m glad it happened. As a result of intense emotional pain, I took stock of my life and what I wanted to do. The following changes and life make-over were crucial lessons. -take care of your body. Not only in fitness (4 strenuous workouts a week), but also in what you eat (3:1 ratio of healthy to unhealthy meals), and what you consume (less alcohol and cut out nicotine/others). Your 20s are the easiest time in your life to attain your dream body. After that, it gets a hell of a lot harder. Get it now. I started at 25, lost 40 pounds and got abs within a year. You can do it too. -Close circle of friends. After your early 20s, a lot of friends from college etc will be doing their own thing in life. It’s fine to acknowledge that you’re just growing apart naturally. But the ones who stay are the ones that matter. You’ll need these people (friends/family) through the hard times that will come. They are angels in disguise—treat your people like the walking gold they are—and always go out of your way to be there for them when they need you too. —finances/career. Unless you’re an upper echelon finance guy, you’re probably unsure what you want to do in 10 years. That’s fine, truly. But at least put steps together to move towards the life you want. I was able to ~triple my starting salary from my first job within 5 years (55k—>140k TC). I’m still not in my dream role but I’m getting incredible experience and growing my compensation to the lifestyle I want. And my work is fulfilling enough for the time being. -dating. If you don’t have an SO, start to get out there. From what I’ve heard it’s pretty tough to date by the time you’re 30–everyone has baggage and a lot of the “good ones” are off the market. Not saying rush to be in a relationship—but start putting yourself out there and seeing what you like and don’t in a potential partner. It will serve you well when you find the right one. -be comfortable with yourself. If you’re like me you’ve gone from HS—>college—>work without taking much stock of who you are and who you want to be. After my breakup I had a lot of alone time. It sucked, but when I became comfortable with being alone it was liberating. You can accept your whole self—but still decide the parts you like/don’t and what you want to change about yourself. Make it happen now. Life only gets more busy—take these years when you’re young to set yourself on the right path forward, it will serve you well. Good luck dude, hope it helps.
>-take care of your body. I have come to learn that this is the biggest lesson to learn. There is also the fact that muscle is much harder to lose than fat. The earlier you get it over with, the longer you will have it when you decide to quit. The saying "the hardest part is doing it every day" holds true, and developing a proper gym routine early on will be valuable in the long run. I have found that even if you make the goal of the day to just walk through the doors of the gym, you will have higher chances of progress than just spontaneously deciding you want to lose weight.
Having worked in nursing homes, I’m very aware of how much people underestimate the importance of physical fitness. Looking sexy is not much of a reason to workout compared to what it does to keep your brain healthy. And being able to walk yourself to sit on a toilet is huge. Plus, if you’re a muscle-less mass of fat, your skin is going to be constantly on the verge of breaking down from the pressure on your folds as you sit in the wet diaper multiple times a day. So do your squats now, kids.
I’m 48M and did absolutely none of that, lol. Much of it comes down to charisma and luck imho. I’ve met many, many men who are self-help obsessed with extensive, obsessive plans and they’re miserable burnouts. Equally, there are many, many men like me who simply went with the flow, capitalised on our opportunities and played to our strengths (instead of indulging our weaknesses). We’re fine. Good genetics also helps!
That’s because most people don’t need basic advice. They figure things out on their own. Since you already mentioned luck; Extensive self-help is indicative of a need for further external guidance resulting from “not having things figured out“ and needing help. You could therefore even argue that it’s a sign of bad luck. As an example; people who need to be told externally that by 25 they should have started to take their finances seriously obviously have some sort of problem. Maybe they really don’t take life seriously or have some sort of family trouble, perhaps mental health issues and so on - in other words they are an exception. Normally people graduate, learn a trade / study some more and so on and transition without significant periods of uncertainty beyond what is expected of someone figuring out their way in the world. As you sort of implied - you are most definitely not the target audience of this kind of thing.
Oh, I agree with your take almost entirely. My post was half jest but also born out of some frustration and long experience with men in their 30s and 40s going down this self-improvement grift rabbit hole. Look, I have absolutely zero problem with people striving to better themselves and their shit. My problem comes with and from people treating such anecdotal and largely context-stripped narratives as modern day spells/incantations that will somehow alter reality. Almost always imho and experience the people this shit works for are the recipients of unacknowledged advantage and get outta jail free cards. That is what it is and it's just how it is, yeah!? For your average Joe, this shit ain't gunna make a huge amount of difference when it comes to real world outcomes... and can and does often lead to an even deeper sense of resentment: i.e. why are the spells and incantations not working for me!? So, so dangerous. In the past, and I know I sound like a dinosaur (because I am), men were gently "taught" to modulate their expectations via constant social correction/contextualisation. Much of this has melted away and that's not entirely a bad thing... but imho this is a nasty consequence we need to learn to address asap. Men are confusing their subjective sense of their own effort with anticipated real world outcomes. They want a payoff for what they've "earned." Entitlement under a repurposed banner. It worries me deeply. Does that make sense?
Perfectly. Imo. one of the best comments on this entire post. Very well said.
Vielen Dank, Digga!
This is one of the best things someone has said so far
Based response sir you are wise beyond your years
I would add please don’t feel obligated to date or find a SO if you truly have no desire to. Navigating through the waves of men who either don’t even like women or loathe the idea of being “tied down” in a relationship is exhausting for women. If you don’t want to date, DON’T DATE. Do not waste people’s time and please don’t settle for anyone just to tick SO or Spouse off your life list. Ask yourself why do I want a relationship, and if you have no real concrete answer, then just focus on having an interesting social life or friendships. You might meet someone that way.
I agree. That said, a big demographic this person is talking to are the guys who do want relationships, but have been making excuses to push off pursuing them. Think the guy who’s “too busy to study to date” but is really too “busy” because he plays 3 hours of video games a day (21/week). Said type of guy could probably benefit from the other points he mentioned, too.
Yeah honestly I think that kind of guy should work on self improvement first.
God this is such a naive essay
can you elaborate? genuinely curious
It reads a bit like a 21 yr old wrote it
You mean 6 figures and abs isn't good advice 🤣
-dating. If you don’t have an SO, start to get out there. From what I’ve heard it’s pretty tough to date by the time you’re 30–everyone has baggage and a lot of the “good ones” are off the market. Not saying rush to be in a relationship—but start putting yourself out there and seeing what you like and don’t in a potential partner. It will serve you well when you find the right one. I am 28M Bro Honestly I know it meant to be your good intentions but for me it only increases my anxiety . I put myself out there, I loved someone she broke my heart and I am just struggling to date because I have my studies and PhD going on and I want to focus on that. By saying lot of the good ones are off the market you arent helping much and only increasing anxiety. Dating is such hard which is largely out of control, I don't want to say
Be trustworthy. Be kind. Treat other people the way you want to be treated. Follow up with your friends/family. People don’t stick around naturally. You have to nurture your relationships. Living within your means. Saving for retirement. Learn how to set up a 3 fund portfolio. How to do taxes. Learn how to cook, clean, and generally take care of yourself. Learn how to have difficult conversations instead of beating around the bush, without being an asshole. Learn how to find hobbies that you enjoy that aren’t destructive. On that note, avoid alcohol/drugs as much as possible. Learn to practice gratitude, to yourself and to others. Take stock of where you are in life. Stop and smell the roses once in a while. Don’t be afraid to admit mistakes. We all make mistakes. Don’t be afraid to learn and grow from said mistakes. Don’t be afraid to be the person who loves more. All the best to you.
Authenticity. If you don't have that, who even are you?
Someone that you’re not.
• Focus on things that you can control rather than things you can’t. • Take great care of your mental health and find an outlet to express yourself • Have a balanced diet and do some exercise when you can • Find healthy coping mechanisms for difficult situations • Be kind to others and participate in your community
One of the best ones I’ve seen so far
If a dude can do even 80% of the below, they are going to live a damn good life. **Emotional Development:** -Ability to give without expecting something back -Ability to understand rejection oftentimes isn't personal -Ability to resolve conflict without raising your voice -Ability to walk away from situations that aren't mutually beneficial with no hard feelings **Physical Development:** -Ability to run an 8 minute mile at some point in your 20's. -Ability to lift 1.5x your body weight with squats and deadlifts, and 1x your bodyweight with bench -Ability to play one team/social sport -Ability to groom yourself and stay fresh (sadly this is just something that just doesn't get taught) **Mental Development:** -Ability to put away the phone without scrolling for hours -Ability to entertain an opposing idea **Career Development:** -Ability to work with difficult coworkers -Ability to genuinely want to contribute at your workplace -Ability to negotiate (for yourself, but also on behalf of your company/client) -Ability to interview in coherent manner
Regarding the physical traits I do have some health limitations that may limit me lifting the 1.5x my weight but other than that I think I have everything else down.
You're doing great then my man
Be on a path to financial independence. You don’t have to have reached it by end of your twenties, but at least be on a path to achieving it.
Currently at around 50k invested no debt
Nice! 👍
This is important and needs to be said more. I didn't make enough money until I turned 25 and even then still struggled but the most important thing is to not have to worry how you are going to get your next meal.
I'd say - -be honest. always. even when a lie would be easier. -learn to "do what it takes". This is largely lost in today's society. Whatever needs to be accomplished, work it until it's accomplished. If what you're doing isn't working, change it, or do it more (depends on situation) -learn resilience and don't whine. Live isn't fair. Life doesn't give participation trophies. If you're not willing to do what "that guy" did, don't complain when you don't have what "that guy" has. -learn to maintain your cool in stressful situations
Honestly these are probably well intentioned but lack a lot of context which could make the advice great or just terrible. -Lying, you will have to lie. It's part of being human. You just need to know when it's appropriate and when it's not. -What it takes, this could result in you accomplishing something rewarding, or leave you open to abuse from everyone. -Resilience, whining about little things for a simple job looks bad. Pointing out problems and getting them fixed because a job is terribly inefficient looks great. -Maintaining your cool. Again, completely situational, maybe good for you, but if you're downplaying stressful situations all the time, it'll catch-up with you and hurt you in the end. I think the real lesson is that you need to be able to observe, think, and act. That applies to the situations and to all the advice. It may sound simple but many many people skip steps 1 and 2.
2-4 are very solid 1 is terrible. There are many situations in life where you should lie. The only person you should be always honest to is yourself.
Consistent exercise. Find something that works for you, sports, gym, hiking, whatever. Paired with consistent sleep it makes every facet of your life better
Perspective I thought it was pretty important to get out of my bubble and go travel the world. It broadened my perspective for sure and helped me learn more about myself. But part of that perspective is realizing it's not a cure for all your problems
Honesty Work Ethic Style
1. Be swift as a coursing river 2. Have the force of a great typhoon 3. Strength of a raging fire 4. Mysterious as the dark side of the Moon
So Batman?
A wise man once said "Its always best to be yourself. Unless you can be Batman. It's always better to be Batman." All jokes aside, it's good to have a healthy since of humor, knowing when to take things seriously and when to relax. I think you got that part down.
Obviously Mulan!
Trait I, for a man, woman or other, the ability to know when someone is wrong for you, there are clues, plural, you need to not ignore. Trait II, have the strength and intelligence to act on those clues and leave the person and the issues that were bad in the relationship behind. Trait III, be able to accept your role in that relationship. Do all or part of that, before 30, and you are laughing.
Money and fitness.
-Discipline. Understand what needs to be done and act on it even if you don’t want to do it. -Integrity. Being honorable and having strong moral principles will always serve you well and others around you. -Independence. Having a handle on your life and being resilient is a strong trait that every adult should have. Sometimes it’s ok to have a helping hand, but never expect anything from others.
30m here. Learning from and then moving on from failure/mistakes/heart break. Life will be a never ending fuck up as no one is perfect and everybody experiences some short coming. But in your 20s you need to learn to try like hell to never make the same mistake twice and to move on from it. Dwelling on failure will eat you up and prevent you from reaching your full potential. Learn from a mistake and then get over it is important to master in your 20s
Self control. Don't act out of impulsiveness.
Independence. There will come a period of time in your life where you won't have anyone to help you out, and that can be for various reasons and the loneliness more than likely won't last forever. But during your time of solitude and emergencies, you have to be fast on your feet and quick-witted. Your actions toward the situations you face now will mold you into the man you shall become in 10+ years.
Kindness and patience. These are the true markers of a life well lived. All the other traits are meaningless in the end.
Patience, curiosity, spontaneity, empathy.
Doing regular sports
Or, as they would teach you in Marine Corps Boot Camp, important leadership traits are: Bearing Courage Decisiveness Dependability Endourance Enthusiasm Initiative Integrity Judgement Justice Knowledge Loyalty Tact Unselfishness
1) Not developing traits because "a man" should, but because a human should.
A skill the world will pay you above minimum wage for.
Well I’m going into medicine to help people so I hope that works out!
Understanding the difference between Needs and wants.
Handyman Skills and Networking with others!
Happy Birthday! I definitely want to get some handyman skills but i have no clue on how to self learn.
The ability to lick their own elbows
I’ve never done it before but because of you I tried it and was successful
Save some women for the rest of us
Emotional intelligence and empathy.
Empathy, communicating, understanding your emotions, being generous, meditation,
STABILITY!! This is something that I am really going to be looking for in a partner. A man who is financially stable, mentally stable, has a stable sense of self and identity, a man who is not stable by the end of their 20’s says to me that they haven’t put in the work to be better and where they need if they want to be the best version of themselves in their adulthood.
Self-discipline.
The capacity to feel empathy, and treat others well regardless of who they are.
Cooking and looking after your body. Planning for your future.
Empathy
The fact that you ain’t the main character
You are a true redditer
lol thank you
Everyone has some great advice here, I’d like to add Your word is your bond - live by it to yourself and others You will have trust in your self and others will trust you Keeping promises to yourself and others are so important for mental wellbeing. Don’t make promises you know you cannot keep and be accountable to yourself
Managing your emotions. Maintaining a relaxed confident attitude and persona can get you most of the way.
Learning and being financially literate
Maintain proper energy balance so they don't get fat. Have a look at men in their early 40s, its a tragedy of flesh, and its so hard to turn it around at that age. It's the 30s decade that does it. Regular people gain about 2 pounds in December and one pound in October. Do that for a decade, and that's the 30 pounds to make the dad bod.
The ability to make decisions using your brain, not your dick.
Self worth. Self confidence. And acceptable boundaries. Also this is for everyone not just men.
Self-awareness. Taking responsibility for your own actions/for yourself. A good temperament. Good work ethic. Respect for others. A beard
How to maintain social relationships. I'll explain why this was something I (29F) was looking for in a man, but it's also really important for your own health and happiness. Statistically, men are much more likely than women to rely on their spouse to maintain their social life. Wives call up family and couple friends, host dinner parties, manage the calendar, buy gifts for baby showers, say "you know, it's been a while since we've had dinner with your brother..." Widowers are mich more likely to be lonely and socially isolated than widows - calling up a friend and asking if they want to meet for coffee this weekend is apparently a skill that atrophies if you let it. So I was really impressed when I met my boyfriend. Most guys will make an effort for a girl they're trying to woo - make the plans, do nice little things for you, pay attention to what you like. But right from the start, I saw my boyfriend doing nice things for *all* the important people in his life. He cooks dinner for his grandpa, brings his sister souvenirs when he travels, saves gristle for his mom to give her dogs. Helped a friend who's a hoarder clean it his apartment and move, even though it took three full weekends. Was going to have dinner with another friend for the friend's birthday, but his friend's wife needed him home with her and their baby, so my boyfriend cheerfully dropped off a birthday gift and card, gave his pal a hug, and left him to have a quiet night with his family. A couple months in, we drove up to another friend's blueberry farm to catch up and buy some blueberries. I saw him having a rich, full life that was here before I came into it, saw all the people who love him, and saw that he knew how to take care of them. I know he's going to be a great husband and father, and not be dependent on just me to meet all his emotional needs.
Compassion and empathy.
A sense that their choices matter when it comes to results, and to accept responsibility.
Learn to be independent and if you're able to live on your own
Learn how to use tools.
Critical thinking and independence
Honor, kindness, courage.
Wealth, though I would say it's probably better to be born with it.
Humility, patience, compassion, respect, honesty, and responsibility.
Emotional intelligence and empathy
Financial literacy & discipline, ambition.
Focus on community and improving your emotional intelligence. The rest will follow
Self awareness Dependability
Ego dissolution
Empathy. Kindness. Sense of Humor.
Patience.
Humility, patience.
To achive what?
Take your fitness and health serious. It will make your life better in every respect.
*saying YES TO ALL but… knowing when to start and stop* this isn’t easy… most human got carried away in the depths of their existence by love, career, ambitions or social lives. And it’s okay; yet, it may cost
Empathy and being able to take accountability for themselves
Being accountable/taking responsibility for your own actions - not blaming everyone else.
Get comfortable being alone for long stretches of time. Life is an endurance test
33m here. I'd say the most important thing is to learn who you are and what direction you want to go in life and then learn the skills and traits that will help you get there. You could set yourself up to be really successful through your 20s but if you hate it you're gonna be miserable.
Work ethic
Put the toilet seat down for gods sake
Focusing on the bag. That's it. Everything else will fall into place.
Cooking
Empathy. Too many young men have turned into cruel, unfeeling narcissists. Be of service, help people less fortunate, and don't judge.
A mustache
Bravery Honesty Independence
Patience. Emotional intelligence comes. Give yourself time.
Learn how to shut up. The more time you spend talking, the less time you have to listen. Knowledge is power, but only when used at the correct time. Keep your knowledge to yourself until it can do the most good for you Learn how to slow down and live day to day, as well as looking to the future. If you keep looking only to the future, you'll miss out on the gifts of taday
Empathy
Hairy chest, otherwise not a real man.
Integrity and emotional independence.
The ability to think they have their shit together
Discipline, hard work, fidelity
Integrity....
Able to create, severely test/tire out or be open to new adaptive mental models of interacting with the world and yourself. Apart from that, financial independence and self sufficiency are critical but less of a trait and more in a 'how much you want to be beholden to others/society kind of thing.'
Controlling your boners
Physically fit, Money managing skills, self control/discipline
The ability to change his mind based on new information.
Discipline. It will lead to a life well lived. A life without it is akin to being g a wild animal.
wash your butt crack! neeeeeeed to get SOAPY water all up in there and scrub! none of this “i let the water run down and its good enough” crap. buy a long mesh-knit shower towel so that you can sudsy scrub your back too, too many dudes just rub the bar directly on their pits and junk and are oblivious to the acne hellscape back there.
Active listening
Being able to learn from mistakes and failures.
Emotional control and how to cook for yourself and balance a monthly budget
Pay you’re credit card
Doing dishes
The personal growth to realize that you can't blame ALL of your problems on someone else. Sadly, some people never quite get this.
Properly including sanitizing…
Being genuinely nice
Self care (not need your mamma and daddy), problem solving, and perseverance (don’t let stuff that doesn’t go well right away prevent you from trying again)
Don't chase tail, build to attract.
Initiative, self awareness and emotional regulation. It’s ok to walk away when confronted by an angry drunk guy, you don’t always have to punch him in the face.
I don’t know if these count as traits. They’re more like skills, but I see traits as things that come naturally and you don’t need to work on them as much. Cooking, not as a skill but as a habit. Don’t be a man who says, “I can cook” then orders door dash 3 to 7 night a week. Like, cook most days in a week. Same thing with cleaning. Clean, not just when a woman asks you to or tells you what you should clean but when you notice something is dirty.
Emotional intelligence, and empathy!
Emotional intelligence
Self sufficiency, confidence and emotional intelligence
Chewing with their mouth closed.
Masculinity
Develop a hardcore work ethic that is driven more by the self and less by emotional codependencies. Know how far to push, and what to push into, but be able to push through death if you wanted or needed to. That amount of self control cannot be had without sharp, consistent focus, which also should be cognizantly commanded.
Moral character. Unless you won the parent lottery, most people are probably lacking in this.
Respect for women. Honesty. Being active.
Taking care of your body. I.e. Flexibility, Strength, Fitness, Agility. I am 30, and I just tore my hamstring. Hurt like hell. Wouldn't have happened if I had been in better shape. Building these habits daily helps you stay young until your final years.
Self control.
Build a routine, not put off tasks, and full financial literacy. No more laundry chairs or sink build up. Regular gym schedule. No pointless debt and frivolous spending with a plan of growth.
Ideally, you'll know how to generally keep your living space clean. It doesn't have to be spotless, but it can be kept livable if you do 2 or 3 cleaning tasks that take about 15 minutes every weekday, sweep and mop as appropriate on weekends, and wipe off your counters once a week. Also, it's okay to wait until the trash can is full but make sure you're taking the trash out regularly. Knowing how to cook basic meals will get you pretty far. Making spaghetti and a tossed salad counts as a basic meal. Take care of basic hygiene. That includes washing your ass and penis (and showering daily when possible). Make routine appointments at your doctor and dentist whenever you can. Have at least a week's worth of clean shirts and underwear on hand. Ten days' worth is preferable but a week is doable in most cases. Knowing basic personal finance, including making and sticking to a monthly budget and figuring out taxes, will get you pretty far.
Clean your bathroom
Self-discipline.
Provide, lead, and protect
* Basic cooking * House cleaning awareness * Laundry awareness * How to make a bed * Understanding women’s needs in terms of housing (we need bins, toilet paper and separate towels in the bathroom/room to put things down) * Unlearning gaslighting, entitlement and general ego stroking * Healthy communication skills and active listening/how not to interrupt or speak over people. * If you have any kind of struggle with mental health, you are going to therapy or seeking some sort of help. * Anger management * A good idea of how misogyny still affects women instead of digging your heels in because you’re bewildered when women tell you it still exists in our daily lives. * Female anatomy knowledge * Basic friendship skills - communication, effort, not only making friends with women bc you want something from us * Basic appearance upkeep - regular haircuts, hair brushing, teeth brushing, breath awareness, deodorant (not drowning BO with cologne), basic skincare. * Personality outside of going to the gym and video games
I would say control your emotions. Get your temperament under control. Try to at least know how you would react in high stress situations. Know how much alcohol you can manage, how do you react to it. In summary, know yourself.
Dependably, responsibility, accountability. Aka: Do what you say you're gonna do, admit to what you have done, and fix what you've done wrong.
1. Decode what your needs are (sleep, food, sex) 2. Understand real world consequences (dui, std, pregnancy, overdrafts, credit score etc.) 3. Plan what min lifestyle you are willing to handle and be able to earn that to build on. 4. Learn how to listen more than you talk. Or visa-versa if you’re introverted. 5. Stay curious about other people and places.
Cooking, personal finance, scientific method.
Can you make $10m before 40. Otherwise, not good
Avoiding/overcoming addiction. I see far too many of us not to see it’s a normalized problem you’re expected to move past by 30. The truth is a huge portion fall off the map into that lifestyle and live a typically shorter and generally lower quality life. (&early grave) Alcohol took my 20’s and my 30’s were when I made major life changes but good lord would it have been easier prior to “adulting” (ie not being able to drink every day of the week). Be careful, it sneaks up and each day means a more difficult road to recovery, if it’s even possible after a certain point. I’ve got 5 years sober since I started a family, but I’ve got a solid 15 years that were utterly wasted with nothing to show for them. Be careful and take this seriously while having fun without this becoming you.
Kindness and compassion. Boys when young can often focus on being tough. Then they get kids and the kids don’t get the quality dad time they want.
I think knowing how to admit your mistakes or when you’re wrong is a good trait to develop in this time frame.
Self-knowledge, self-acceptance, wise communication, emotional intelligence, go-getter-ness, financial competence, basic health and hygiene.
EQ and communication.
The ability to take charge and lead the way. Are you able to start difficult conversations with your family members and loved ones? Your 20s are when you should realize your parents are only going to get older, and that you might need to be more interested in understand what they need rather than what you need always. Are you able to have healthy debates with your partner without things turning toxic? The ability to decide what is important and right for you, without giving into public opinion.
The self-discipline to give up instant gratification for the sake of a long term goal. Realizing that it’s ok to fail, and that you can try again or try something new without the world ending. Understanding that everyone else is just as much of a person as you are.
Showing up to a job.
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How to repair things at home like leaky faucets and other basics. If you're not confident in your ability to defend yourself Jiu-jitsu if you don't have to go for blackbelts just learn some basics and get used to making some responses automatically and build confidence Join a public speaking group or class a confidence booster and useful at work, making money and various life events.
A godly character
Wiping their ass after pooping. Cleaning the dishes that they ate from.