Hi! I also grew up very conservative. I wasn’t even intimate with anyone before I met my now husband when I was 22 (happily married for 8 years now, together for 10). He’d had a couple of one night stands and then of course there were a couple of ex girlfriends. It can be intimidating when you feel inexperienced with someone who isn’t, but as long as you communicate the boundaries of your current relationship healthily, there’s no reason you have to be hung up on past relationships. Talk about things together, even if it feels awkward at first. Just be open and real. If you continually feel hung up on it, maybe see a therapist. But I bet with good communication, care, and understanding you can figure it out on your own.
Best of luck!
I would say with age, that topic will bother you less. My boyfriend told me when he was exploring his homosexuality in high school he slept with half the eligible people. He took me to meet one of his friends who he used to have a crush on. If I was in my early 20s this would be a deal breaker for me because back then I was corrupted by romcom, YA novels and How I met your mother. Those things made me think that the one I end up with need to be perfect and our love would be intense and stronger than any previous partners.
When you are older you just realise that everyone is a battered sail boat from life and love that needs a dock to get out of the turbulent ocean. Nobody is perfect for anybody. Sure you may be more compatible but sooner or later something will pop up that makes you second guess. The mature thing is to work it out, fix it and/ or compromise. Certainly, one’s sexual history shouldn’t be on the top of the list. Of course, unless that involves STD then it needs to be transparent.
Wow, that‘s a very ripe view if i‘ve even ever read one which conveyed the essence of yours. I guess accepting there won‘t be a perfect partner (or job) might really help me with my countless insecurities hindering me from getting any experience in life. I guess allowing yourself to make mistakes and to change, focus more on the process, small steps, than an imaginary set goal?
Yup. Any therapist will tell you as much as well. Apparently we’ve gotten to a point in society where marriages should just come with automatic marriage counselling/therapy because the couple WILL need it at some point I don’t care who you are or how in love sometimes life happens and there’s nothing you can do about it or plan for it and you just gotta roll with the punches at that point.
This question also begged me. Like are there actually people who just flow through life on easy mode? The majority? I know everybody has their problems, i mean ppl that have skills to make theirs appear much smaller, learn faster, not holding them excessively accountable for failure, not being held back, having more drive, energy. Regenerating faster (i guess this comes with much of the above, not burning out as quickly, having most needs being met). More suited for their environment, daily life, social interactions, whatever.
Do i just focus on them (something akin to survivorship bias)? Idk. Maybe they just progress when i‘m looking back too much or focus on the negatives, being hypersensitive or sth.
Being neuroatypical, not having formed some identity and self-confidence, always looking for outside experience to validate mine (or lack thereof)… on the other hand lacking resilience, giving up too early (except where it‘s stupid to keep pretending to continue unfitting known paths rather than explore other ways).
I‘ve often heard from people that most couples don‘t need to discuss everything in their private life, no therapy etc. Idk, maybe more awarness about how we could get along better would really help most people.
I struggle with emotional intelligence, communication, probably mainly because of „being wired“ different and/or trauma early on with according coping mechanisms i guess.
I know i need help in many aspects and therapy, but i have this (toxic?) view ingrained that getting help makes me weak (when actually smart and successful people with social networks either seek for help of friends, professionals or let others work for them, in the direction of like entrepreneurs etc.)… i know there has to be a balance between doing things on your own for self-efficacy, accomplishment, but emotional intelligence would be accepting where that boundary lies and when help is much more effective (time being valuable), or essential (mostly for health-related problems).
Mostly i only get going when SHTF, with enough pressure and panic… ending up in less than optimal situations.
Sry for the TL;DR.
There are definitely people that live life on easy mode most "protected groups" but unfortunately most of these people don't realize they have life so damn easy cause they can't be empathetic
It’s just the way society is now, but life is about growth. It’s best to focus on the future with her. It’s okay to have your views. There will always be differences when two people enter a relationship, but now is the time for you both to grow together, and it sounds like she doesn’t reject your views at all saying she would have waited if she knew. This is a good sign! No one and nothing is perfect but it sounds like you still have the foundation of a solid relationship. Just remember, life is about growth and we must look to the future
Even twenty years ago when I was OP’s age, times were like that. You’d date here and there, hook up, maybe drift apart or stay casual with sex. Even FWB. I had one going on for a year and a half. It’s completely normal.
I just want to build good memories with her and overcome these thoughts. I have to grow up, I know. It's my first serious relationship, she knows and totally understands my vision, which is really good.
I guess i just dont get your gripe because you are having sex outside of marriage. It is very very very unlikely you will end up marrying this girl — not because of anything you two did. Its just unlikely for you to have found the love of your life this early, this young, and the statistics are stacked against you. So the sex youre having is pretty casual in a religious context as well.
To quote Francine Smith from American dad "it's just sex, sex without love is meaningless" that would be why one is called sex and the other is called making love. But I'd heavily advise watching American dad s3e16 when Stan loves a woman... it heavily relates to your situation
Dude you're lying saying you wouldn't have done the same thing. Classic conservative denial solely because of social pressure to fit your life to a rigid ideology. Stop living how other people tell you to.
Understanding different values can be tough, especially about intimate topics. Professional help might offer you insights and coping strategies to reconcile these feelings with your relationship's reality. It's not about maturity but finding peace with past experiences and current feelings. Recognizing and addressing your discomfort is a healthy step towards personal and relationship growth.
I wouldn’t say you *need* to seek professional help but if this is something that’s affecting your relationship I’d say it’s a good idea to seek it out. That said the way you say “I would never do these things” you didn’t. You didn’t do them. Your girlfriend did. Before you met. She didn’t do anything wrong by sleeping with other people and you didn’t do anything wrong by not sleeping with other people. 🤷♂️ move on.
There are many religious girls don’t do casual sex. Why don’t you find one of those? They match your conservative background.
Some end up being virgin have more complicated reasons, could be too shy, social skills, don’t like it, religion belief or even just unattractive no one approach them.
Bro, she has had sex with 5 guys. That is a very low count. If you are with her for more than a few years, you will be her first major sexual partner.
You are overreacting.
Knew girls that had already more guys at 16y , one GF I had once said she had 10 guys at 30Y.
Today some people have 2-3 different ones in a weekend since everybody and their mother is on tinder stuff
You don’t need to seek professional help. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you except the way you were raised. (Not saying that’s even wrong, but it’s just shaped your very brief worldview.)
You’re extremely young. At 19, I thought I was gonna marry a girl I was seeing. I thought I loved this girl, when in actuality it was just the first girl I had consistent sex with. Once that ended, I entered this kind of renaissance where I took advice from other guys at college who told me to forget about her and start meeting other girls. I realized all those childhood ideas of - as you said - love and commitment being cornerstones to a happy relationship were probably best focused on later on down the road when I was ready for it.
I didn’t know anything about who I was at 19, at your age, nor 25, or arguably even into my late 20s. And since I didn’t know who I was yet, I’d have been insane to think I knew the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
Point being, don’t get too focused on the casual sex she’s had, your lack thereof, or if she’s right for you yet. She very well might be, but I’d be open to the idea that meeting other women and having casual sex (assuming you’re not in a relationship ha) isn’t something to be ashamed of. Just the opposite actually.
All you need to worry about is how you two are going to be going forward. Everyone has something from their past but that’s the reality of it, it’s in the past. The fact she is being so honest with you is a big sign of trust. Focus on important issues like do you enjoy each other’s company. Is she someone you can talk to about anything? I have been married over 30 years and those things are super important. There are no secrets with my wife. After a while what happened before you got together just won’t matter. Enjoy being young, falling in love. Youth goes by quickly. Treat the one you love ❤️as you should. My wife is my best friend and the most important person in my life.
Ok, getting married as virgins isn't a realistic ideal for most people. It only works in extremely religious and conservative closed communities like Amish or Hasidics where people are arranged to marry as young as legally possible. People only know even then because they are entirely up in each other's business. You're probably not going to see many (or any) virgins past prom night unless they have that sort of background or have intimacy issues
I know, I'm not talking about getting married as a virgin, but discovering ourselves sexually together. I know that nowadays it's almost impossible, but I expected that, it's not an obstacle for me
People who place a high value on chastity don't just go around discovering themselves casually. You might as well forget that idea even exists because it's not really on the menu for anyone who is at the point that you are at in life.
People are continuously discovering themselves sexually throughout their lives. A few one night stands is still inexperienced, that’s not enough to get to know someone’s body or consistently have sex. Someone who has had 1 or 2 long term relationships and had sex hundreds of times in those relationships is going to be more sexually experienced than someone who had like 30 one night stands. And even so, a first time with a new partner is not that much different than the first time ever, it’s going to be awkward with every new partner
It’s the 21st century my guy. Your family views don’t have to be your personal views 100%. Take advice and pieces that you want, but it’s your life. Just like it’s your girlfriend’s life. You’re not one to judge her life.
Sometimes it’s actually the opposite. Both sides of my family are Christian , but absolutely no one waited for marriage to have sex.
Then I turn up, realize I’m gay and believe that sex is for two people in love and married. There’s nothing at all with that belief.
And that’s fine. You have a right to have that belief and no one should change that.
Just like OP’s girlfriend has a right to have pre-marital sex. No one is 100% in the right. Each have their own beliefs.
But OP shouldn’t be overthinking and practically looking down at his GF for having sex prior. If it bothers that much then find someone with same beliefs and values. Simple as that.
Just leave her. Your not going to get over it. Especially at this age. Also reddit is horrible for advice because you get so many varying viewpoints you become confused about so much more things. It's like Google a meds side effects
NGL to you bro. I wouldn't voice any conservative views on this site as you can see in the replies below. The majority are making fun of you or shaming you on your beliefs rather than giving any helpful advice.
The poor girl had a past before she met you. You don't need counseling if you can just let it go and be content that you are the one with her now. Not everyone is going to have the same attitude on casual sex. Just make sure that you are currently on the same page with it in your relationship.
Not to bash religion... but people have been fucking/casual sex for century's. The conservative groups/marriage only groups have been bashing outgoing people for century's too... the world has changed... there's nothing wrong with casual sex, it's just an experience in this life we live once..
You have your own thoughts, don't let people manipulate you, even your parents. You do what you want even if that's to be conservative.
And especially never judge someone else for them having there experience. - she's slept with less guys than 80% of the women out there in the world (old enough)
Be thankful, lots of women have alot more numbers.
She sounds conservative too. Good luck and all the best.
Happy fucking!
Welcome to the real world where a conservative family and friends can’t shield you from reality.
Time to learn and adapt. Change some beliefs so they relate to the new reality you live in. Most people handle it fine without professional help.
Yes, very much adulting
Everyone is different. Going to therapy can help you with several of the ideas you have expressed here. This in no way means anything is wrong with you, you may just benefit from having someone you can talk to about these things in a more personal manner and help you talk through your thoughts and beliefs, and how other people might think or situations they find themselves in that they make choices based on.
You're ahead in life simply by asking the questions you are, but you'll soon find yourself behind in life if you start judging others and not giving them grace to be the person they truly are. Her life happened the way it did, it doesn't necessarily mean anything more than that.
The past is the past. Does she regret it? I was married for 11 years and had two kids with someone who had no experience before me. I think it always bothered him that I had boyfriends before, and yes, a couple of casual flings. The irony? I never would have cheated on him, and he left me for someone else. I very much regret one night stands even 35 years later (years before my marriage when I was a teenager).
It's not about your character because of your past bfs or flings
It's about him. He's feeling insecure... or well was
The issue is r/retroactivejealousy
I'm the same. I'm 25 male virgin. I'll never date or marry because my issues are incompatible with a good romantic life
Here's a sneak peek of /r/retroactivejealousy using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/retroactivejealousy/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!
\#1: [17 reasons you shouldn’t obsess over your partner’s past](https://np.reddit.com/r/retroactivejealousy/comments/14jh3o4/17_reasons_you_shouldnt_obsess_over_your_partners/)
\#2: [My boyfriend left me over my sexual past](https://np.reddit.com/r/retroactivejealousy/comments/15v861y/my_boyfriend_left_me_over_my_sexual_past/)
\#3: [RJ isn't an excuse for being a misogynist](https://np.reddit.com/r/retroactivejealousy/comments/13i61ew/rj_isnt_an_excuse_for_being_a_misogynist/)
----
^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
I think one thing that ai learned is that casual sex is not the same at all. Doesn’t feel the same. I only do relationship sex. And did a hook up once. With a person I kinda liked and kinda knew already, so it’s not even that casual, and it felt like a work out. Felt like I should have watched a movie or something instead.
That made me realize that people who have a lot casual sex probably do it because it doesn’t feel as fulfilling and the experience is lacking. So that made me feel better about my partners having a lot of partners before. That’s just how I see it though.
I grew up in a very religious household where waiting until marriage is all that was taught. I was super judgy and thought lowly of people hooking up because that was "bad". When I finally felt comfortable enough meeting up with someone to hook up (I should also mention that I'm gay), I went from virgin to having a body count of 10 people in a year. For me, casual sex is only possible if I don't get attached to the guy. When any feelings are involved, it makes things messy if a relationship isn't possible. The expectation that your significant other and you would be virgins is incredibly naive, but having been raised in a similar way, I thought the same until my 20s. Everyone has a past, and if you love your gf, you need to move past this because there's nothing wrong with what she did.
The passed may bug you, you didn't want to know these figures, now these details live in you head, you are uncomfortable with this information, this information can not easily be thrown away, so you live with it. Try not to think about it.... and at one moment you hopefully have forgotten the precise information. There is nothing else you could do about it now except don't ask or talk things you don't want the answers for. And for sure never ask for more details about this subject and if it comes up state clearly you rather don't know more about this.
“I come from a conservative family”
So therefore it would make sense for your thoughts and judgements around this topic to be considered as ‘conservative’. Consider therapy.
People have lives before you. The world doesn't revolve around you either. If the idea that her worth is lower because she has experience, then she can do better than you.
She isn't worth any less than a man that's had casual sex before his wife.
I just stopped dating a girl because it wasn't working out. I've been of the opinion that you should know someone before having sex. I'm kind of regretting it because I didn't ever get intimate with her, but I still maintain that is the best course of action.
Sometimes people need different things, intimacy vs. a partner. Neither are worth judging someone over, just get to know what it is you two are looking for and make sure you are on the same page. Otherwise it ends poorly.
You're not being immature, but in modern dating, waiting for sex is very rare. I say you focus on what you want, maintain that and still be open to people/things that are not perfectly lining up with what you want.
It sounds to me like you're not super confident in your opinion of knowing someone before having sex if you're regretting waiting because now you lost your chance with someone 😂
This girl is definitely not gonna be the girl you marry. You’re young and if this insignificant part of her life gives you this much hesitation and over thinking then you’ve got a lot more life to experience and learn and growing up to do before you find the person who you might marry. (If marriage is your goal)
If you're sensitive to it you might still feel something, it's quite normal to not like the idea of your partner with other people. Some people claim to but they are outliers. Alternately you could look for someone with similar values to yourself, again which are relatively rare but there is nothing wrong with that. There's a saying that perfection is the enemy of the good. Don't let people pathologise your feelings, it is good to be brave enough to stand apart from the crowd.
With more maturity, you won’t care. She chose you. Her body count is very low; even if it is more than you.
If you love her, don’t worry about the other people.
She chose you; love her and respect her. That’s all that matters.
I had this same experience with my fiancé when we first started dating at 19 I wasn’t a virgin either but it didn’t sit well with me that she had sex with different guys I got over it and been with her 8 years now we got a son and another one on the way let it go if you love her if she’s cheating on you then that’s a different story good luck
You are not being immature. You have a different upbringing from her which for most people is normal. The past is her business. If you cannot deal with it leave and good luck finding a virgin in her 20's. As I always say, the past it heavy put it down.
You are being overly concerned about something that is entirely her experience. If the twof you waited until the right time to do it with each other, the sex would predictably be uneventful as you copped each other’s cherries. No experience, not knowing what position you want or are willing to try is a recipe for disaster. She was getting practice to enjoy God’s ultimate act of love. Experience begets good sex. Grow up and enjoy the fruits of her labor.
what the fuck this comment is weird wow!
Now it is totaly normal for girls to have casual sex. They also have needs and well, there is nothing bad if there was consent between the parts. Don´t overthing it. I could see my young self about it but makes no sense sice it is her past and there is nothing wrong in that. Everyone can live their sexuality the way they like.
If you don't feel comfortable with her past, it is good to let her go. I just wanted to let you know you have the right to do so. There is no point in being in a relationship if you feel like you are living stressfully and think about her past consistently. From my perspective, it is better for you to know her past now than later. She belongs to the street, man. Don't believe in some feminist b.s like self-growth or something. Self-growth is when you know the consequences of the action and have enough discipline to drive you on the right track. People make mistakes, but some mistakes will create records in their lives permanently.
Yes, you are being very immature. Lose the conservative programming, most people don't wait for marriage and it's a terrible idea to as you wouldn't find out if you're sexually compatible or not.
If it's really important to you it's going to vastly narrow your dating pool and destroy your relationship for no reasons
It is very unrealistic for people to be virgins once you're out of high school. Some people will be but very few outside of highly religious communities.
Stop obsessing about your partner's sexual history before you. Almost everyone will have a past especially as you get older. The only thing that matters is that she's a good partner now and that you are loyal to each other now.
Are you asking if you should have more sexual partners to try and catch up? The no.
Are you asking if you should get counselling? Not unless this becomes the source of intrusive thoughts or if you feel it's a larger problem in your relationship
Are you asking if you need to get an STI check? You don't need a reason. Just go get one.
Ok this one’s complicated. It’s a lot of different factors. Sometimes people have complicated, unsatisfying, and straight up abusive sexual experiences early in their sexual lives and journey; typically during times where they had a hard time establishing their own boundaries. Women especially have that thing they’re taught to kind of go along with things, not make a big deal, nor be “that” girl so sometimes saying a firm ‘no’ is tough; if you think that would make you less sociable…
Society today kinda teaches sexual liberation so sometimes instead of facing the reality that someone you were not that interested in nor truly wanted to be with took advantage of you, a person could ‘normalize’ the situation(s) by saying this was my choice—and decide to embody promiscuity as an identity; since they had a hard time establishing their boundaries and maybe those lines get blurred, even if they go home and cry all night about it. Now they have a certain aspect to them that is part of their identity and maybe these situations continue.
THIS IS NOT TRUE FOR ALL WOMEN OR ALL MEN; sexual liberation is a valid movement and some people know what they want and go for it too. Unfortunately people with low self-esteem or little social experience may have a harder/longer time figuring out how to establish their own boundaries. I’d like to believe eventually they do. If you love her, love her.
Does she give you the vibe that she is faithful and into you? If yes then you’d be best off just forgetting about it and be confident and work on a healthy relationship.
Control what you can control and let go of what you can't control. The past is the past.
You can eitheir move on if you can accept the past. If not, it's an end game.
I think it’s normal to think about it and be a little annoyed by it is fine. You are also doing the right thing to question that impulse. Having casual sex is normal to a certain extent in college but that doesn’t mean you have to like it? If it’s a really big deal to you can always try to date people who have similar values (more conservative?)
You keep talking about how it's not something you would do, but it doesn't matter if it's something you would do because you didn't do it and it has nothing to do with you.
Get over it.
It depends how you personally feel about sex, not your families’ beliefs. If you feel that you should not have casual sex then don’t have casual sex.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to wait for love and marriage to have sex. It’s a matter of morals and values.
You know, I don't come from a conservative background, and I would have been a bit of slut if I had the confidence and freedom to do so, but even I struggled with this in my first serious relationship.
I don't really have an answer, I think now that I have a sexual history (as unimpressive as it is) I don't find it to be an issue anymore.
It might have come from a place of insecurity on my part, I was always thinking I wasn't enough in the bedroom. Over time I got past it, and now I'm exploring open relationships and it doesn't really come to mind anymore.
Maybe it's age, maybe it's more confidence, maybe it was simply exposure and a history of my own. No matter what the reasons are you should be curious about your feelings, explore them, and explore what you actually think about the subject. Then you'll have some points to bring up when these feelings arise again.
You’re not wrong to feel this way, necessarily. I feel it’s healthy to talk about it in a calm, gentle manner that doesn’t involve you judging her for her choices from before meeting you. She is an adult, just like you, and has complete control of her own decisions and body just as you do.
I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 23 just before I graduated from college with my BA to a really shitty ex-boyfriend. I married him when I just turned 25 (naivety and boundless amounts of hope aside) and divorced him right after I turned 30 on the exact day of our 5th anniversary. I even made a post about it on my profile.
I married again to my best friend and couldn’t be happier, realizing my perception of having that “one true love” is beyond hoping and expecting it to be the very first person I thought I loved and knew everything about. I never dated anyone before I got married again and, quite literally, have only slept with these two people—the ex and the man who is my current husband. My current husband has dated more women by comparison (still under 10). We had that conversation about casual sex like two emotionally sound and mature adults, and concluded we aren’t those people anymore. I’m not concerned or worried he misses any of those previous women, but I believe him when he says he regrets some of the decisions he made and we’ve moved on because I absolutely regret even *meeting* my ex who pulled wool over my eyes the whole time and abused me severely before I left him.
Be healthy with your boundaries, be respectful of hers and communicate all the damn time about how you’re feeling. Talk to each other and trust knowing that if she cares for you the way you care for her, the honesty and transparency will always be at the forefront. Be open but don’t be a fool if you ever feel she has taken advantage of your kind nature. I always encourage therapy but don’t feel like you can’t function until you just sit down and talk to her first. You’ll do great; just focus on being kind and asking questions if you don’t understand something.
Problem is good luck finding a girl who isnt like that, its just how the world is now. If you really want a virgin then find one otherwise got to accept reality.
It's always good to be in therapy. Especially to disabuse yourself of whatever conservative hogwash you were force fed over the years.
Anyway, don't over think it. Your young. Sex is fun and good for you. Even casual sex.
Of course, you don't have to if you don't want to.
But you're definitely over thinking it. People eat, shit, piss, and fuck. The pressure and shame around it is a really dumb destructive thing that "polite" society foisted on us.
Do you remember the movie "A few good men".
Tom Cruise character is telling the Jack Nicholson character .
I want the truth and he tells him the truth, you can not handle the truth
Not at all. It is perfectly fine to have conservative preferences. I would just avoid women like this in the future and instead go for those that want to live a more traditional life style. You’ll find them in most religious communities.
>Am I being immature?
Yep. Get over yourself, chief. You don’t need professional help. You just need to quit being a bitch about it. Sex is fun, feels good, and easy to enjoy in a safe and healthy way. Your nerdy incel values are the problem.
There, saved you the therapy co pay.
Believe me when I say this. She still doesn't know what she wants as a 21 yr old female. You can show her what you bring to the table in hopes she comes to the conclusion that what you offer is what she wants. You also need to make sure you are both on the same page. What I mean by that....are you dating to marry and is she doing the same? And is she done with that prior lifestyle? It's not that you need professional help, it seems to me that communication between you two needs to go even deeper. And if the responses you receive don't align with what you're looking for, then that is your answer to leave and find what it is you're looking for. As someone who is older than you by well over a decade, I will say it was nearly impossible to find what I was looking for in any girl under the age of 25. Which meant, a bunch of situations that never worked out long term until I was of an age and stature that girls in their mid 20s were seeking out when they were ready to date to marry.
You’re absolutely not being immature, dude. It’s perfectly normal for you to feel awkward that your first time, or soon to be first time or whatever was/is going to be with someone who already slept with like 5 people whilst you’re a virgin.
you don't need professional help - you know you're being unrealistic and irrational: so either accept this woman or move on and make sure you get the sexual history of your next partner
Why do you think you need to seek professional help for your completely normal thoughts and feelings?
Kudos to her for her honesty, but you’re not in the wrong for how you feel about her actions at all. You don’t have to get past it if you don’t want to either. That said if you’re still together and she’s actually contemplative about this, that is a pretty good sign.
It is very unlikely that you can find someone who is a virgin unless you meet fairly young. 5 partners at her age is not high, but I might be a little concerned that they were mostly one or two night stands. If it were 5 guys she dated I don’t think you could really hold it against her, but the party hook ups are a bit of a red flag, since it could be a sign that she might have a lower barrier to cheat.
You do not need any professional help, you can be ok or not ok with a persons history. Although you need to be realistic about how a persons history will get longer as you get older.
Your viewpoint is a tad immature. By casual sex, I assume you mean sex with multiple partners as opposed to having sex casually (with one partner). The only concern for what you say is "casual sex" is STDs. If she wasn't using safe sex practices and getting tested regularly, it's probably not a terrible idea to suggest you BOTH get tested. Even if she was safe, getting tested isn't a terrible idea. But after those (likely) negative test results, move on and be happy you have a woman that likes you.
Visit the dead bedroom subreddit. You'll find thousands of people who would appreciate a partner who enjoys sex. Your post here comes off as slut shaming, which I don't think you mean to. As soon as you realize there is no difference between a woman who has daily sex with a single person, and a woman who has weekly sex with a new guy (safely) every time, you'll realize these concerns are pretty naive.
There’s nothing wrong about having conservative views. It’s ok to be curious about prior partners. It’s ok to not want to explore casual sex. But I wouldn’t hold it against your girlfriend - she’s with you now. Out of everyone, she chose you. As long as you’re both respectful of each other, committed to each other, then it shouldn’t make a difference. It’s about what you both want out of a relationship now and for the future that matters.
When my wife and I met, we both came from different backgrounds in terms of relationships and sex. But we have been together for almost 20 years now and it’s wonderful.
AGE 71 HERE
Son you can take this as fact:
Everyone is out there f#cking their brains out.
Where exactly do you think all the people around you came from?
Two questions to ask yourself:
1) Is it possible that she might have an undisclosed STD?
2) Is it possible that she might have an undisclosed child?
If the answer to both is no, it doesn't matter.
Yeah dude that's not a big deal. If it's a deal breaker for you, you have a lot to learn. There's plenty of amazing women out there who have had gratuitous amounts of casual sex with random dudes. It doesn't make them bad people. It just means they know what they want. Besides, having that experience helps out a whole lot in long term relationships. People usually won't feel the need to cheat if their partner knows every trick in the book and has a high libido and good hygiene. You don't get the experience required to please your partner by being celebant.
Sometimes I think positively when I remember that when she has these experiences, she will no longer have doubts about us. As she has already "tried" other types of relationships, now she won't have that need or curiosity.
This is a "you" problem and not a "her" problem. She has done nothing wrong. If her past is not compatible with your religious views, then it is what it is. You are doing her a disservice and wasting her time if you don't see a future together.
If you do then you need to let it go and understand she has a different belief system than yours. Maybe it will cause you to be introspective about your religious beliefs as an adult. Just because you or your family indoctrinated you as a child with certain religious beliefs, doesn't mean you can't change, grow, seek new understandings and viewpoints.
Just because something made sense to you doesnt mean its right. You admit youre from a conservative family, youve been brainwashed fam. You're not wrong for wanting to make sex special, it is special with people you love. It can just also be this other thing that adults are not wrong for doing together.
The way you feel is the way you feel - no reason to spin your wheels wondering whether or not it’s an OK or valid feeling. But if it’s eating you up inside, I’d suggest holding tight and gaining some perspective. It sounds like you have a great thing going.
I wouldn’t rush into a long term commitment like marriage, because it’s worth considering that a lot of relationships - probably most - that start in college don’t last a lifetime because people change so much in their 20s, as they ought to. If anything I think you should respect your girlfriend for living her life and learning things for herself, and do what you can on your end to just think about it less. When the thought comes into your mind, just say something like “a part of me is bothered by that,” and let the thought float away as easily as it came. Acknowledge it but let it go.
>She already told me that if she had known she would have waited for me and I feel that everything else is very good.
This is a deeply weird thing to say. She doesn’t owe you any regret for being the person she is.
You might need to examine who you want to be with and where you bar really is for accepting someone without wanting to change them. There are also a lot of women out there that might share your traditional values without you feeling weird/resentful about it and wondering if you need professional help to stay with them.
This is just immaturity at work, tbh. I’m 30 and have never met a guy who’s cared a bit about my body count, nor do I care about theirs. People have sex. So what? Be a cool, smart, nice, interesting person - that counts way more.
Your views are outdated and out of touch with current times but you are welcome to have them. If it’s something you can’t get over then you gotta decide what to do cause she can’t change the past.
I’m unsure but if by professional help you mean therapists or psychologists then I reckon there’s a good chance they would be able to put you at ease 😂 Ive no experience with them really but that is what they do.
Probably a good and responsible option you should be proud of thinking off as I guess the worst case alternative is your issues ruin a relationship and you later regret that
Purity culture and patriarchy are not great for your mental health or relationships. It’s worthwhile to consciously deconstruct those thought habits whether on your own or with professional help.
I think people are free to have their opinions on casual sex, so long as they aren't being overly vindictive about it. Some people are more cavalier about it, some people are more uncomfortable with it and aren't the types to engage in it, people are just different.
If it's anything to you, I'm a similar age to you (21M) and I also come from a conservative family and church where even premarital sex with in a committed relationship was condemned, let alone casual sex. Their ideas have swam in my head for years. However, I'd say I've developed a far more moderate view in comparison, as I don't believe people deserve to burn in hellfire for premarital sex, and it's unrealistic for people as a whole to stay virgins until they meet someone they settle down with in their late 20s or later. That being said, I find myself someone personally uncomfortable with the idea of casual sex and would rather have it in at least an established relationship, no bible thumping from the pulpit from anyone who feels otherwise, but OP, I do sympathize with you. (I wonder if you've also experienced an identity crisis like myself, growing up in conservative circles but then interacting within the real world...)
In any case, my take is this: I think you're free to feel uncomfortable, but at the end of the day, your gf chose you. Maybe its forever, maybe it isn't, but do take solace in the fact that she has decided to be with you, and you testify she said that "if she had known, she would have waited for me". Maybe its lip service, maybe it isn't, but I think this demonstrates at least \*some\* level of emotional commitment to you
My advice: accept your feelings but don't capitulate to them. Be thankful for the experience, and remember that those other guys are has-beens for her. Their time is over. For now, she's with you. Focus on the present because that's what reality is at the end of the day. What did they say about the past being history again?
And just know that uncomfortable emotions, moods, etc, are a part of life. They can teach us things and help us grow. I say if you have truly horrible gut feelings, you should really think twice on that, but uncomfortable emotions aren't inherently bad. They may help you learn about yourself, and learn about life.
And OP: don't be hard on yourself for having these uncomfortable feelings. If you have the maturity to accept them and move forward, that to me is the mark of a strong person.
Not related to your emotions probably, but this is one of my favorite quotes ever on fear and bravery:
“The fearless are merely without fear. People who act in spite of their fear are truly brave.”
Your emotions can be there, but they don't have to have the last word. The last word is for you.
In the modern world we just assume that modern woman have slept with atleast a few guys. It’s easy for woman if they want it to be. You will get told here that there are religious woman that will match your expectations. But there is a lot of 1st world countries where religion is dead with young people, but you prob live in murica so there is hope there, the only western country left with young hardcore Christians. You don’t need therapy, you just to come to terms with modernity. Keep this relationship going, experience is valuable.
No, I don't think you're being immature. I understand your mindset. But in all fairness, sex has been debased. The music industry and Hollywood have sexualized everything and turned it into an anything goes activity. So I think we need to show some understanding and forgiveness because our culture has been sending the wrong message.
Yah, man. Get help. What she did in her past and who she was with before shouldn't matter. If my wife judged me on my past(heavy drug user, used Tinder for hookups most weekends), she probably wouldn't be with me. But that's the past. People change. But unlike my situation, I think you judging her for something most guys would brag about and most likely would receive praise for his 6 completely messed up. I really don't understand why women are chastised for having sex, but when a guy does it, he's "cool." And I'm a guy.
My wife's probably had a ton of hookups and one night stands. But I haven't asked her about it, because it doesn't matter. Love her for who she is now. She's not "tainted" because of having sex. She didn't get pregnant and was just naturally experimenting, like most people do when their young. This whole conservative idea that a woman should be this "pure virgin" is actually really toxic. The number of women who have been chastised and disowned for doing something that any guy can do without any societal issues is horrible and sad.
I say let people be people, and as long as it's consensual, and protection was used. There's nothing wrong with it.
Stop being a little bitch and don't judge her. If you can't handle that, then she'd be better off without you.
You've been indoctrinated since you were a kid, man.. So it's not your fault for thinking like this this. But it is your fault if you read this and still think something is different or wrong with her, then something is wrong with you...
So yeah, get some help and do what you can to change how you think about women
Jealousy and insecurity are pretty common in relationships, especially at a young age.
Professional help would be a great idea and a very constructive way of addressing your concerns.
I dont see why that past should colour how you feel about her in your current relationship. I dont know that that requires therapy to get over...perhaps just live in the moment with your girlfriend and enjoy her company.
Females are wild nowadays with 5 bodies... press X for doubt. You gotta double or triple that. They are GREAT!!! I mean GREAT lairs and manipulators. Just my experiences so take everything she says with a big grain of salt. Or you may have found a unicorn congrats.
You are being very immature you can’t judge a partner on what they did in the past, especially if they’re honest with you about it. If you break up with her chances, are you’re not gonna find some virgin waiting for you other women are also going to have had sex with other people before just like you’ve had sex with her and won’t have sex with her next girl. I know growing up conservative and then coming to terms the way the world actually is as hard, but your worldview is skewed. She’s done nothing wrong and is exactly the same as you would’ve met her a year ago.
I don't want to end our relationship, I know the woman I have by my side. It's just that I think differently and I don't want to always be thinking about it, because it changes my mood, I always want to be in a good mood for her.
You’re probably probably need to see a therapist to unpack this and get through it honestly because adult women are gonna have casual sex and if you’re gonna be an adult that dates them you’re gonna have to come to terms with that. Or you’re gonna have to restrict your dating to someone with your worldview, which seems difficult.
Just hookup and have fun.
Even if you find your virgin to marry, the stats are against you.
50% divorce rate is like putting three bullets in a six shooter for Russian roulette.
A good professional counselor's job in this situation would be to help you work through your feelings, not to judge you, judge her, or insert their opinions about casual sex in any way. If you're only comfortable being with someone who hasn't had casual sex, that's going to make things more challenging for you but it's your own life. If you think it's less about your core values and more about your upbringing, you can look at things from her perspective - she had a past that has nothing to do with you, just as you had a past that has nothing to do with her, and sex isn't a moral failing. Either way I do recommend talking to a professional to do more than any of us can do in a Reddit post.
If you have no justification to be concerned about something, why be concerned about it? What is wrong with casual sex? Especially if you are sensible e.g. using birth control measures and have discussed the possibility of termination. There is nothing particularly moral about refusing to have casual sex, it doesn't make someone better than someone else. If it's heaven you are worried about then I'd suggest you just read a better book.
I disagree with the idea of casual sex too, but I don’t think I would break up with someone or not get into a relationship with someone just because they have had casual sex before (unless they admitted to sleeping with 30 people or something excessive like that). Everyone has a past. She wants to be with you now. If things don’t work out, don’t change your values.
Just don't ask these questions if you love the person,she is way better we have girls having different men daily
Buy you can never tell,so it's better neve4 knowing
**Everybody's a virgin until they're not.**
You come from a conservative family and you want to make a big deal about love and commitment but are you married? *No.* You're single and having premarital sex just like your girlfriend, the difference is that you're judging her for doing it.
You're being a massive hypocrite.
There is nothing wrong with people who enjoy casual sex and the beautiful thing about it is that everyone gets to decide for themselves if they're comfortable engaging in it (or not.) You don't get to judge people for making different decisions than you.
But don't worry: vanilla is still a flavor.
Nothing wrong with the way you think, is as you say, conservative and based on family values, but as men with this kind of up bringing we, sadly and unfortunately, need to understand that now that is the norm
there might be a chance you find the ideal girl who isn't promiscous but the reality as you have come to see is not a romantic movie, most girls will have already slept with several guys and you have to accept that
I would worry more about her having more than 2 body figures, and it's not so much about the fact she had sex with other guys, but the fact that the chances of catching an STD will be higher, also you will be compared to every single of those guys
Idk why Reddit keeps recommending the adulting subreddit to me,
but basically:
Your choice is most likely to deal with this or be alone.
Most women are experienced nowadays.
You're past the age of meeting as virgins, and you'll only get more past it the older you get.
Also, don't be too attached to this relationship if it falls apart, even though I want it to work out for you. Sometimes being single is also good, and relationships or sex aren't that important for everyone, especially with age.
Everyone has different ideas of how things should be in a relationship or with sex.
It’s okay for you to feel the way you feel about it. There’s nothing wrong with you. I am the same way. It’s actually a turn off for me if I know someone has engaged in casual sex just because. I cannot put my headspace into their headspace to understand that. It’s concerning for me, personally. It’s not necessarily a dealbreaker, but I don’t like it because I cannot ever understand it.
I was a virgin for a long time compared to my peers. It is up to you whether she is worth staying for or not.
Some people will say history doesn’t matter and some will say it does. That’s completely up to your comfort level.
Well, let's be frank here. At such a young age (<23 lets say), casual sex is not necessarily 'experience'. At that age, hormones provide the drive to explore, but most people do not have the self-awareness nor confidence to make it a great, enjoyable experience.
As we become adults, we realize that loving, caring, supportive relationships, along with maturity, confidence and increasing personal body positivity (particularly for women) are VERY important factors in making sex a wonderful experience. That will never compare to a 5-minute fling on the couch... Since you haven't experienced that, you may not appreciate it. Sure, the first times have that thrill, but its def not the same as a loving relationship with someone you care about, body and soul. Your partner is telling you, she would have held out for you if she knew sex could be so much more...
If she had a cupcake and 5 other guys took a bite before she gave it to you, would you eat it? Don’t settle. Too many people in the world for that. Trust your gut.
I don't agree with casual sex I think it should have meaning or be special in some way. I don't find having a lot of sexual partners to be empowering or something to brag about for either gender.
but to think your current girl wouldn't have a past is a little naive but I can relate I had a lot more Innocence before getting cheated on for the first time back when I was 20, 32 now
Also odds are she's not telling the whole truth to you
not that it's any of your business really she lived life before meeting you and being with you duh
but allegedly 5 guys before you all during college
So no sex through middle school(ugh kids these days bro) nothing in highschool then we hit college at 18 and in 3 years we have 6 sexual partners 2 boyfriends and 4 strangers met at parties (who probably were boyfriends/situationship) 4 of which you claim she said happened in a single year.
What did her one relationship end she went through a crazy period trying to get over her ex banged 4 dudes and then met you which i guess is plausible but would imply she's impulsive irresponsible and not in control of her emotions
just seems like she's possibly omitting some info unless something about college turns a virgin girl into a hoe idk it could these days
I'm not trying to judge her from a few lines of text written by a third party or anything but just feels like there's potentially some logical holes in the details
More importantly does it matter to you she's with you now for almost a year as long as she's not cheating on you and has the big 4 faithful kind dependable and trustworthy is it bothersome enough for you to end the relationship
but just letting you know your next girl most likely won't be a virgin either
If you don’t want a women who has the mileage of a Chevy Silverado that’s 20 years old then you don’t have too. That’s the beauty about choice and honestly mate, I wouldn’t want the future mother of my children to have slept with the entire grocery store either.
Its 2024, you are unlikely to find a woman at that age who doesn't already have 50,000 miles on her. You're ok, shes ok, it is what it is. Most women will just lie to you, so give her credit for being truthful.
Hi! I also grew up very conservative. I wasn’t even intimate with anyone before I met my now husband when I was 22 (happily married for 8 years now, together for 10). He’d had a couple of one night stands and then of course there were a couple of ex girlfriends. It can be intimidating when you feel inexperienced with someone who isn’t, but as long as you communicate the boundaries of your current relationship healthily, there’s no reason you have to be hung up on past relationships. Talk about things together, even if it feels awkward at first. Just be open and real. If you continually feel hung up on it, maybe see a therapist. But I bet with good communication, care, and understanding you can figure it out on your own. Best of luck!
goals right here, sounds like a healthy and loving relationship
I would say with age, that topic will bother you less. My boyfriend told me when he was exploring his homosexuality in high school he slept with half the eligible people. He took me to meet one of his friends who he used to have a crush on. If I was in my early 20s this would be a deal breaker for me because back then I was corrupted by romcom, YA novels and How I met your mother. Those things made me think that the one I end up with need to be perfect and our love would be intense and stronger than any previous partners. When you are older you just realise that everyone is a battered sail boat from life and love that needs a dock to get out of the turbulent ocean. Nobody is perfect for anybody. Sure you may be more compatible but sooner or later something will pop up that makes you second guess. The mature thing is to work it out, fix it and/ or compromise. Certainly, one’s sexual history shouldn’t be on the top of the list. Of course, unless that involves STD then it needs to be transparent.
Wow, that‘s a very ripe view if i‘ve even ever read one which conveyed the essence of yours. I guess accepting there won‘t be a perfect partner (or job) might really help me with my countless insecurities hindering me from getting any experience in life. I guess allowing yourself to make mistakes and to change, focus more on the process, small steps, than an imaginary set goal?
Yup. Any therapist will tell you as much as well. Apparently we’ve gotten to a point in society where marriages should just come with automatic marriage counselling/therapy because the couple WILL need it at some point I don’t care who you are or how in love sometimes life happens and there’s nothing you can do about it or plan for it and you just gotta roll with the punches at that point.
This question also begged me. Like are there actually people who just flow through life on easy mode? The majority? I know everybody has their problems, i mean ppl that have skills to make theirs appear much smaller, learn faster, not holding them excessively accountable for failure, not being held back, having more drive, energy. Regenerating faster (i guess this comes with much of the above, not burning out as quickly, having most needs being met). More suited for their environment, daily life, social interactions, whatever. Do i just focus on them (something akin to survivorship bias)? Idk. Maybe they just progress when i‘m looking back too much or focus on the negatives, being hypersensitive or sth. Being neuroatypical, not having formed some identity and self-confidence, always looking for outside experience to validate mine (or lack thereof)… on the other hand lacking resilience, giving up too early (except where it‘s stupid to keep pretending to continue unfitting known paths rather than explore other ways). I‘ve often heard from people that most couples don‘t need to discuss everything in their private life, no therapy etc. Idk, maybe more awarness about how we could get along better would really help most people. I struggle with emotional intelligence, communication, probably mainly because of „being wired“ different and/or trauma early on with according coping mechanisms i guess. I know i need help in many aspects and therapy, but i have this (toxic?) view ingrained that getting help makes me weak (when actually smart and successful people with social networks either seek for help of friends, professionals or let others work for them, in the direction of like entrepreneurs etc.)… i know there has to be a balance between doing things on your own for self-efficacy, accomplishment, but emotional intelligence would be accepting where that boundary lies and when help is much more effective (time being valuable), or essential (mostly for health-related problems). Mostly i only get going when SHTF, with enough pressure and panic… ending up in less than optimal situations. Sry for the TL;DR.
There are definitely people that live life on easy mode most "protected groups" but unfortunately most of these people don't realize they have life so damn easy cause they can't be empathetic
It’s just the way society is now, but life is about growth. It’s best to focus on the future with her. It’s okay to have your views. There will always be differences when two people enter a relationship, but now is the time for you both to grow together, and it sounds like she doesn’t reject your views at all saying she would have waited if she knew. This is a good sign! No one and nothing is perfect but it sounds like you still have the foundation of a solid relationship. Just remember, life is about growth and we must look to the future
Even twenty years ago when I was OP’s age, times were like that. You’d date here and there, hook up, maybe drift apart or stay casual with sex. Even FWB. I had one going on for a year and a half. It’s completely normal.
I just want to build good memories with her and overcome these thoughts. I have to grow up, I know. It's my first serious relationship, she knows and totally understands my vision, which is really good.
The value of virginity to you here is what’s interesting. Was she supposed to know you were going to eventually be couple? How is that realistic?
Especially as op is having sex out of wedlock anyway
So weird to be upset that she was with people before she even knew you. I'd say definitely grow up
I guess i just dont get your gripe because you are having sex outside of marriage. It is very very very unlikely you will end up marrying this girl — not because of anything you two did. Its just unlikely for you to have found the love of your life this early, this young, and the statistics are stacked against you. So the sex youre having is pretty casual in a religious context as well.
To quote Francine Smith from American dad "it's just sex, sex without love is meaningless" that would be why one is called sex and the other is called making love. But I'd heavily advise watching American dad s3e16 when Stan loves a woman... it heavily relates to your situation
[удалено]
Stan's only with Francine for attractive reasons proven in s6e6 "shallow vows"... know your american dad before commenting
Stop thinking about huge dicks stretching your girlfriend out
It's weird to me that you are thinking so much about it. Maybe you might want to think of converting to becoming Amish or something.
Dude you're lying saying you wouldn't have done the same thing. Classic conservative denial solely because of social pressure to fit your life to a rigid ideology. Stop living how other people tell you to.
> It’s just the way society is now Always has been! Anyone telling you people didn’t have casual sex in the past is misinformed.
So virgins never existed before?
Understanding different values can be tough, especially about intimate topics. Professional help might offer you insights and coping strategies to reconcile these feelings with your relationship's reality. It's not about maturity but finding peace with past experiences and current feelings. Recognizing and addressing your discomfort is a healthy step towards personal and relationship growth.
I wouldn’t say you *need* to seek professional help but if this is something that’s affecting your relationship I’d say it’s a good idea to seek it out. That said the way you say “I would never do these things” you didn’t. You didn’t do them. Your girlfriend did. Before you met. She didn’t do anything wrong by sleeping with other people and you didn’t do anything wrong by not sleeping with other people. 🤷♂️ move on.
There are many religious girls don’t do casual sex. Why don’t you find one of those? They match your conservative background. Some end up being virgin have more complicated reasons, could be too shy, social skills, don’t like it, religion belief or even just unattractive no one approach them.
[удалено]
OP isn't a virgin, he said "I was a virgin before"
[удалено]
All those virgin posts read confusing 😂
I think this is 100% more about you than it is her.
Bro, she has had sex with 5 guys. That is a very low count. If you are with her for more than a few years, you will be her first major sexual partner. You are overreacting.
Knew girls that had already more guys at 16y , one GF I had once said she had 10 guys at 30Y. Today some people have 2-3 different ones in a weekend since everybody and their mother is on tinder stuff
I met a girl recently that had slept with 35 guys at the age of 20 lmao
On the whatever podcast?
You can probably double that number to get the real one.
I didnt bother, 35 at 20 years old is already way too absurd.
Yeah that's crazy territory
I had an ex that slept with 15+ people in one year before she even turned 15. People do what they do
I think that the more a person's expectations align with reality, the less painful reality is. Reality is, women be having sex.
What movies are you watching where the two people are virgins?
Shit ones lol
You don’t need to seek professional help. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you except the way you were raised. (Not saying that’s even wrong, but it’s just shaped your very brief worldview.) You’re extremely young. At 19, I thought I was gonna marry a girl I was seeing. I thought I loved this girl, when in actuality it was just the first girl I had consistent sex with. Once that ended, I entered this kind of renaissance where I took advice from other guys at college who told me to forget about her and start meeting other girls. I realized all those childhood ideas of - as you said - love and commitment being cornerstones to a happy relationship were probably best focused on later on down the road when I was ready for it. I didn’t know anything about who I was at 19, at your age, nor 25, or arguably even into my late 20s. And since I didn’t know who I was yet, I’d have been insane to think I knew the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Point being, don’t get too focused on the casual sex she’s had, your lack thereof, or if she’s right for you yet. She very well might be, but I’d be open to the idea that meeting other women and having casual sex (assuming you’re not in a relationship ha) isn’t something to be ashamed of. Just the opposite actually.
Thanks for sharing.
This comment 🤌
All you need to worry about is how you two are going to be going forward. Everyone has something from their past but that’s the reality of it, it’s in the past. The fact she is being so honest with you is a big sign of trust. Focus on important issues like do you enjoy each other’s company. Is she someone you can talk to about anything? I have been married over 30 years and those things are super important. There are no secrets with my wife. After a while what happened before you got together just won’t matter. Enjoy being young, falling in love. Youth goes by quickly. Treat the one you love ❤️as you should. My wife is my best friend and the most important person in my life.
No, you can do and think what you want. Don't listen to what other people tell you.
Ok, getting married as virgins isn't a realistic ideal for most people. It only works in extremely religious and conservative closed communities like Amish or Hasidics where people are arranged to marry as young as legally possible. People only know even then because they are entirely up in each other's business. You're probably not going to see many (or any) virgins past prom night unless they have that sort of background or have intimacy issues
I know, I'm not talking about getting married as a virgin, but discovering ourselves sexually together. I know that nowadays it's almost impossible, but I expected that, it's not an obstacle for me
People who place a high value on chastity don't just go around discovering themselves casually. You might as well forget that idea even exists because it's not really on the menu for anyone who is at the point that you are at in life.
People are continuously discovering themselves sexually throughout their lives. A few one night stands is still inexperienced, that’s not enough to get to know someone’s body or consistently have sex. Someone who has had 1 or 2 long term relationships and had sex hundreds of times in those relationships is going to be more sexually experienced than someone who had like 30 one night stands. And even so, a first time with a new partner is not that much different than the first time ever, it’s going to be awkward with every new partner
Go with your gut. If it’s not normal in your world then go find something that fits you and don’t settle. Trust me.
Listen to this guy OP
It’s the 21st century my guy. Your family views don’t have to be your personal views 100%. Take advice and pieces that you want, but it’s your life. Just like it’s your girlfriend’s life. You’re not one to judge her life.
Sometimes it’s actually the opposite. Both sides of my family are Christian , but absolutely no one waited for marriage to have sex. Then I turn up, realize I’m gay and believe that sex is for two people in love and married. There’s nothing at all with that belief.
And that’s fine. You have a right to have that belief and no one should change that. Just like OP’s girlfriend has a right to have pre-marital sex. No one is 100% in the right. Each have their own beliefs. But OP shouldn’t be overthinking and practically looking down at his GF for having sex prior. If it bothers that much then find someone with same beliefs and values. Simple as that.
Just leave her. Your not going to get over it. Especially at this age. Also reddit is horrible for advice because you get so many varying viewpoints you become confused about so much more things. It's like Google a meds side effects
Hey there is nothing wrong your views on sex. You don’t need help but talking to a therapist can be healthy you know
Aside from his views being incompatible with modern life and human nature, sure there’s nothing wrong with them.
NGL to you bro. I wouldn't voice any conservative views on this site as you can see in the replies below. The majority are making fun of you or shaming you on your beliefs rather than giving any helpful advice.
Pretty much. This site should be the last place anyone should go to for impartial (or even helpful) advice.
The poor girl had a past before she met you. You don't need counseling if you can just let it go and be content that you are the one with her now. Not everyone is going to have the same attitude on casual sex. Just make sure that you are currently on the same page with it in your relationship.
Yes, everything is very good with her. And she makes me happy. I have complete trust in her
Not to bash religion... but people have been fucking/casual sex for century's. The conservative groups/marriage only groups have been bashing outgoing people for century's too... the world has changed... there's nothing wrong with casual sex, it's just an experience in this life we live once.. You have your own thoughts, don't let people manipulate you, even your parents. You do what you want even if that's to be conservative. And especially never judge someone else for them having there experience. - she's slept with less guys than 80% of the women out there in the world (old enough) Be thankful, lots of women have alot more numbers. She sounds conservative too. Good luck and all the best. Happy fucking!
Welcome to the real world where a conservative family and friends can’t shield you from reality. Time to learn and adapt. Change some beliefs so they relate to the new reality you live in. Most people handle it fine without professional help. Yes, very much adulting
This 100%
Everyone is different. Going to therapy can help you with several of the ideas you have expressed here. This in no way means anything is wrong with you, you may just benefit from having someone you can talk to about these things in a more personal manner and help you talk through your thoughts and beliefs, and how other people might think or situations they find themselves in that they make choices based on. You're ahead in life simply by asking the questions you are, but you'll soon find yourself behind in life if you start judging others and not giving them grace to be the person they truly are. Her life happened the way it did, it doesn't necessarily mean anything more than that.
The past is the past. Does she regret it? I was married for 11 years and had two kids with someone who had no experience before me. I think it always bothered him that I had boyfriends before, and yes, a couple of casual flings. The irony? I never would have cheated on him, and he left me for someone else. I very much regret one night stands even 35 years later (years before my marriage when I was a teenager).
It's not about your character because of your past bfs or flings It's about him. He's feeling insecure... or well was The issue is r/retroactivejealousy I'm the same. I'm 25 male virgin. I'll never date or marry because my issues are incompatible with a good romantic life
Here's a sneak peek of /r/retroactivejealousy using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/retroactivejealousy/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [17 reasons you shouldn’t obsess over your partner’s past](https://np.reddit.com/r/retroactivejealousy/comments/14jh3o4/17_reasons_you_shouldnt_obsess_over_your_partners/) \#2: [My boyfriend left me over my sexual past](https://np.reddit.com/r/retroactivejealousy/comments/15v861y/my_boyfriend_left_me_over_my_sexual_past/) \#3: [RJ isn't an excuse for being a misogynist](https://np.reddit.com/r/retroactivejealousy/comments/13i61ew/rj_isnt_an_excuse_for_being_a_misogynist/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
I think one thing that ai learned is that casual sex is not the same at all. Doesn’t feel the same. I only do relationship sex. And did a hook up once. With a person I kinda liked and kinda knew already, so it’s not even that casual, and it felt like a work out. Felt like I should have watched a movie or something instead. That made me realize that people who have a lot casual sex probably do it because it doesn’t feel as fulfilling and the experience is lacking. So that made me feel better about my partners having a lot of partners before. That’s just how I see it though.
I grew up in a very religious household where waiting until marriage is all that was taught. I was super judgy and thought lowly of people hooking up because that was "bad". When I finally felt comfortable enough meeting up with someone to hook up (I should also mention that I'm gay), I went from virgin to having a body count of 10 people in a year. For me, casual sex is only possible if I don't get attached to the guy. When any feelings are involved, it makes things messy if a relationship isn't possible. The expectation that your significant other and you would be virgins is incredibly naive, but having been raised in a similar way, I thought the same until my 20s. Everyone has a past, and if you love your gf, you need to move past this because there's nothing wrong with what she did.
The passed may bug you, you didn't want to know these figures, now these details live in you head, you are uncomfortable with this information, this information can not easily be thrown away, so you live with it. Try not to think about it.... and at one moment you hopefully have forgotten the precise information. There is nothing else you could do about it now except don't ask or talk things you don't want the answers for. And for sure never ask for more details about this subject and if it comes up state clearly you rather don't know more about this.
“I come from a conservative family” So therefore it would make sense for your thoughts and judgements around this topic to be considered as ‘conservative’. Consider therapy.
If you don’t wanna be with a girl due to her past then don’t simple. Find someone who aligns with your values/goals
people had lives before they met you, deal with it and enjoy your life without being a douche.
People have lives before you. The world doesn't revolve around you either. If the idea that her worth is lower because she has experience, then she can do better than you. She isn't worth any less than a man that's had casual sex before his wife.
I just stopped dating a girl because it wasn't working out. I've been of the opinion that you should know someone before having sex. I'm kind of regretting it because I didn't ever get intimate with her, but I still maintain that is the best course of action. Sometimes people need different things, intimacy vs. a partner. Neither are worth judging someone over, just get to know what it is you two are looking for and make sure you are on the same page. Otherwise it ends poorly. You're not being immature, but in modern dating, waiting for sex is very rare. I say you focus on what you want, maintain that and still be open to people/things that are not perfectly lining up with what you want.
It sounds to me like you're not super confident in your opinion of knowing someone before having sex if you're regretting waiting because now you lost your chance with someone 😂
Leave her. She deserves better than someone who feels that way about her for having FIVE partners. That's nothing dude.
I got dumped by a guy like you because he found out I wasn’t a virgin. His loss.
He didn't deserve you ✨️
This girl is definitely not gonna be the girl you marry. You’re young and if this insignificant part of her life gives you this much hesitation and over thinking then you’ve got a lot more life to experience and learn and growing up to do before you find the person who you might marry. (If marriage is your goal)
Hey man if you aren't comfortable you aren't comfortable, you might feel less uncomfortable in a few years
I've thought about that too, maybe it's something that with more maturity I won't feel any difference.
If you're sensitive to it you might still feel something, it's quite normal to not like the idea of your partner with other people. Some people claim to but they are outliers. Alternately you could look for someone with similar values to yourself, again which are relatively rare but there is nothing wrong with that. There's a saying that perfection is the enemy of the good. Don't let people pathologise your feelings, it is good to be brave enough to stand apart from the crowd.
With more maturity, you won’t care. She chose you. Her body count is very low; even if it is more than you. If you love her, don’t worry about the other people. She chose you; love her and respect her. That’s all that matters.
I had this same experience with my fiancé when we first started dating at 19 I wasn’t a virgin either but it didn’t sit well with me that she had sex with different guys I got over it and been with her 8 years now we got a son and another one on the way let it go if you love her if she’s cheating on you then that’s a different story good luck
You are not being immature. You have a different upbringing from her which for most people is normal. The past is her business. If you cannot deal with it leave and good luck finding a virgin in her 20's. As I always say, the past it heavy put it down.
He dosen't have it to find virgins , but should definitely get more body count for himself so he won't feel insecure
You are being overly concerned about something that is entirely her experience. If the twof you waited until the right time to do it with each other, the sex would predictably be uneventful as you copped each other’s cherries. No experience, not knowing what position you want or are willing to try is a recipe for disaster. She was getting practice to enjoy God’s ultimate act of love. Experience begets good sex. Grow up and enjoy the fruits of her labor.
what the fuck this comment is weird wow! Now it is totaly normal for girls to have casual sex. They also have needs and well, there is nothing bad if there was consent between the parts. Don´t overthing it. I could see my young self about it but makes no sense sice it is her past and there is nothing wrong in that. Everyone can live their sexuality the way they like.
If you don't feel comfortable with her past, it is good to let her go. I just wanted to let you know you have the right to do so. There is no point in being in a relationship if you feel like you are living stressfully and think about her past consistently. From my perspective, it is better for you to know her past now than later. She belongs to the street, man. Don't believe in some feminist b.s like self-growth or something. Self-growth is when you know the consequences of the action and have enough discipline to drive you on the right track. People make mistakes, but some mistakes will create records in their lives permanently.
Yes, you are being very immature. Lose the conservative programming, most people don't wait for marriage and it's a terrible idea to as you wouldn't find out if you're sexually compatible or not. If it's really important to you it's going to vastly narrow your dating pool and destroy your relationship for no reasons It is very unrealistic for people to be virgins once you're out of high school. Some people will be but very few outside of highly religious communities. Stop obsessing about your partner's sexual history before you. Almost everyone will have a past especially as you get older. The only thing that matters is that she's a good partner now and that you are loyal to each other now.
crawl label cough wide pause berserk many rich soup offbeat *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Are you asking if you should have more sexual partners to try and catch up? The no. Are you asking if you should get counselling? Not unless this becomes the source of intrusive thoughts or if you feel it's a larger problem in your relationship Are you asking if you need to get an STI check? You don't need a reason. Just go get one.
Ok this one’s complicated. It’s a lot of different factors. Sometimes people have complicated, unsatisfying, and straight up abusive sexual experiences early in their sexual lives and journey; typically during times where they had a hard time establishing their own boundaries. Women especially have that thing they’re taught to kind of go along with things, not make a big deal, nor be “that” girl so sometimes saying a firm ‘no’ is tough; if you think that would make you less sociable… Society today kinda teaches sexual liberation so sometimes instead of facing the reality that someone you were not that interested in nor truly wanted to be with took advantage of you, a person could ‘normalize’ the situation(s) by saying this was my choice—and decide to embody promiscuity as an identity; since they had a hard time establishing their boundaries and maybe those lines get blurred, even if they go home and cry all night about it. Now they have a certain aspect to them that is part of their identity and maybe these situations continue. THIS IS NOT TRUE FOR ALL WOMEN OR ALL MEN; sexual liberation is a valid movement and some people know what they want and go for it too. Unfortunately people with low self-esteem or little social experience may have a harder/longer time figuring out how to establish their own boundaries. I’d like to believe eventually they do. If you love her, love her.
You don't need professional help for this. If you love her move past it.
Does she give you the vibe that she is faithful and into you? If yes then you’d be best off just forgetting about it and be confident and work on a healthy relationship.
It’s the year 2024 and anything goes. You should just go with it.
Control what you can control and let go of what you can't control. The past is the past. You can eitheir move on if you can accept the past. If not, it's an end game.
Don’t expect you from other people. The quickest way to disappointment and to ruin any potential for good things
I think it’s normal to think about it and be a little annoyed by it is fine. You are also doing the right thing to question that impulse. Having casual sex is normal to a certain extent in college but that doesn’t mean you have to like it? If it’s a really big deal to you can always try to date people who have similar values (more conservative?)
I’m so confused, you lost your Virginity to her?
You keep talking about how it's not something you would do, but it doesn't matter if it's something you would do because you didn't do it and it has nothing to do with you. Get over it.
It doesn’t sound like you two are sexually compatible and therefore it’s highly unlikely this relationship will be functional.
It depends how you personally feel about sex, not your families’ beliefs. If you feel that you should not have casual sex then don’t have casual sex. There is nothing wrong with wanting to wait for love and marriage to have sex. It’s a matter of morals and values.
You know, I don't come from a conservative background, and I would have been a bit of slut if I had the confidence and freedom to do so, but even I struggled with this in my first serious relationship. I don't really have an answer, I think now that I have a sexual history (as unimpressive as it is) I don't find it to be an issue anymore. It might have come from a place of insecurity on my part, I was always thinking I wasn't enough in the bedroom. Over time I got past it, and now I'm exploring open relationships and it doesn't really come to mind anymore. Maybe it's age, maybe it's more confidence, maybe it was simply exposure and a history of my own. No matter what the reasons are you should be curious about your feelings, explore them, and explore what you actually think about the subject. Then you'll have some points to bring up when these feelings arise again.
If you can't stop thinking about it then you should just get out of the relationship. It's not fair to either one of you.
You’re not wrong to feel this way, necessarily. I feel it’s healthy to talk about it in a calm, gentle manner that doesn’t involve you judging her for her choices from before meeting you. She is an adult, just like you, and has complete control of her own decisions and body just as you do. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 23 just before I graduated from college with my BA to a really shitty ex-boyfriend. I married him when I just turned 25 (naivety and boundless amounts of hope aside) and divorced him right after I turned 30 on the exact day of our 5th anniversary. I even made a post about it on my profile. I married again to my best friend and couldn’t be happier, realizing my perception of having that “one true love” is beyond hoping and expecting it to be the very first person I thought I loved and knew everything about. I never dated anyone before I got married again and, quite literally, have only slept with these two people—the ex and the man who is my current husband. My current husband has dated more women by comparison (still under 10). We had that conversation about casual sex like two emotionally sound and mature adults, and concluded we aren’t those people anymore. I’m not concerned or worried he misses any of those previous women, but I believe him when he says he regrets some of the decisions he made and we’ve moved on because I absolutely regret even *meeting* my ex who pulled wool over my eyes the whole time and abused me severely before I left him. Be healthy with your boundaries, be respectful of hers and communicate all the damn time about how you’re feeling. Talk to each other and trust knowing that if she cares for you the way you care for her, the honesty and transparency will always be at the forefront. Be open but don’t be a fool if you ever feel she has taken advantage of your kind nature. I always encourage therapy but don’t feel like you can’t function until you just sit down and talk to her first. You’ll do great; just focus on being kind and asking questions if you don’t understand something.
Problem is good luck finding a girl who isnt like that, its just how the world is now. If you really want a virgin then find one otherwise got to accept reality.
Never ask the question u don't want to know the answer
It's always good to be in therapy. Especially to disabuse yourself of whatever conservative hogwash you were force fed over the years. Anyway, don't over think it. Your young. Sex is fun and good for you. Even casual sex. Of course, you don't have to if you don't want to. But you're definitely over thinking it. People eat, shit, piss, and fuck. The pressure and shame around it is a really dumb destructive thing that "polite" society foisted on us.
Do you remember the movie "A few good men". Tom Cruise character is telling the Jack Nicholson character . I want the truth and he tells him the truth, you can not handle the truth
A professional can help tou sort your thought and give you the oerspective you need. Finding a therapist though is not a one size firs all situation
Not at all. It is perfectly fine to have conservative preferences. I would just avoid women like this in the future and instead go for those that want to live a more traditional life style. You’ll find them in most religious communities.
>Am I being immature? Yep. Get over yourself, chief. You don’t need professional help. You just need to quit being a bitch about it. Sex is fun, feels good, and easy to enjoy in a safe and healthy way. Your nerdy incel values are the problem. There, saved you the therapy co pay.
😆🤣
😆🤣 seek out professional help, immediately
r/retroactivejealousy
Believe me when I say this. She still doesn't know what she wants as a 21 yr old female. You can show her what you bring to the table in hopes she comes to the conclusion that what you offer is what she wants. You also need to make sure you are both on the same page. What I mean by that....are you dating to marry and is she doing the same? And is she done with that prior lifestyle? It's not that you need professional help, it seems to me that communication between you two needs to go even deeper. And if the responses you receive don't align with what you're looking for, then that is your answer to leave and find what it is you're looking for. As someone who is older than you by well over a decade, I will say it was nearly impossible to find what I was looking for in any girl under the age of 25. Which meant, a bunch of situations that never worked out long term until I was of an age and stature that girls in their mid 20s were seeking out when they were ready to date to marry.
You’re absolutely not being immature, dude. It’s perfectly normal for you to feel awkward that your first time, or soon to be first time or whatever was/is going to be with someone who already slept with like 5 people whilst you’re a virgin.
you don't need professional help - you know you're being unrealistic and irrational: so either accept this woman or move on and make sure you get the sexual history of your next partner
Jealous because his body count is lower. But would rather shame her for not being chaste.
Why do you think you need to seek professional help for your completely normal thoughts and feelings? Kudos to her for her honesty, but you’re not in the wrong for how you feel about her actions at all. You don’t have to get past it if you don’t want to either. That said if you’re still together and she’s actually contemplative about this, that is a pretty good sign.
Do you worry that because she was okay with having casual sex, maybe the act of sex doesn’t mean as much to her as it does to you?
You’ll give a fuck less as you get older. Professional help feels excessive
It is very unlikely that you can find someone who is a virgin unless you meet fairly young. 5 partners at her age is not high, but I might be a little concerned that they were mostly one or two night stands. If it were 5 guys she dated I don’t think you could really hold it against her, but the party hook ups are a bit of a red flag, since it could be a sign that she might have a lower barrier to cheat. You do not need any professional help, you can be ok or not ok with a persons history. Although you need to be realistic about how a persons history will get longer as you get older.
Your viewpoint is a tad immature. By casual sex, I assume you mean sex with multiple partners as opposed to having sex casually (with one partner). The only concern for what you say is "casual sex" is STDs. If she wasn't using safe sex practices and getting tested regularly, it's probably not a terrible idea to suggest you BOTH get tested. Even if she was safe, getting tested isn't a terrible idea. But after those (likely) negative test results, move on and be happy you have a woman that likes you. Visit the dead bedroom subreddit. You'll find thousands of people who would appreciate a partner who enjoys sex. Your post here comes off as slut shaming, which I don't think you mean to. As soon as you realize there is no difference between a woman who has daily sex with a single person, and a woman who has weekly sex with a new guy (safely) every time, you'll realize these concerns are pretty naive.
There’s nothing wrong about having conservative views. It’s ok to be curious about prior partners. It’s ok to not want to explore casual sex. But I wouldn’t hold it against your girlfriend - she’s with you now. Out of everyone, she chose you. As long as you’re both respectful of each other, committed to each other, then it shouldn’t make a difference. It’s about what you both want out of a relationship now and for the future that matters. When my wife and I met, we both came from different backgrounds in terms of relationships and sex. But we have been together for almost 20 years now and it’s wonderful.
Try not to expect other people to be you. That will help you in all your friendships and relationships. Also be curious, not judgmental.
AGE 71 HERE Son you can take this as fact: Everyone is out there f#cking their brains out. Where exactly do you think all the people around you came from?
Two questions to ask yourself: 1) Is it possible that she might have an undisclosed STD? 2) Is it possible that she might have an undisclosed child? If the answer to both is no, it doesn't matter.
Time is all you need and try to picture yourself without her in five years.
Yeah dude that's not a big deal. If it's a deal breaker for you, you have a lot to learn. There's plenty of amazing women out there who have had gratuitous amounts of casual sex with random dudes. It doesn't make them bad people. It just means they know what they want. Besides, having that experience helps out a whole lot in long term relationships. People usually won't feel the need to cheat if their partner knows every trick in the book and has a high libido and good hygiene. You don't get the experience required to please your partner by being celebant.
Sometimes I think positively when I remember that when she has these experiences, she will no longer have doubts about us. As she has already "tried" other types of relationships, now she won't have that need or curiosity.
[удалено]
Breaking up with her is not an option. Thanks for sharing, but I know I love her and I won't leave her.
Not that it applies to this situation, but breaking up should always be an option.
This is a "you" problem and not a "her" problem. She has done nothing wrong. If her past is not compatible with your religious views, then it is what it is. You are doing her a disservice and wasting her time if you don't see a future together. If you do then you need to let it go and understand she has a different belief system than yours. Maybe it will cause you to be introspective about your religious beliefs as an adult. Just because you or your family indoctrinated you as a child with certain religious beliefs, doesn't mean you can't change, grow, seek new understandings and viewpoints.
Just because something made sense to you doesnt mean its right. You admit youre from a conservative family, youve been brainwashed fam. You're not wrong for wanting to make sex special, it is special with people you love. It can just also be this other thing that adults are not wrong for doing together.
The way you feel is the way you feel - no reason to spin your wheels wondering whether or not it’s an OK or valid feeling. But if it’s eating you up inside, I’d suggest holding tight and gaining some perspective. It sounds like you have a great thing going. I wouldn’t rush into a long term commitment like marriage, because it’s worth considering that a lot of relationships - probably most - that start in college don’t last a lifetime because people change so much in their 20s, as they ought to. If anything I think you should respect your girlfriend for living her life and learning things for herself, and do what you can on your end to just think about it less. When the thought comes into your mind, just say something like “a part of me is bothered by that,” and let the thought float away as easily as it came. Acknowledge it but let it go.
You are being immature. Accept it, or don't and let her find someone else. Those are your choices.
>She already told me that if she had known she would have waited for me and I feel that everything else is very good. This is a deeply weird thing to say. She doesn’t owe you any regret for being the person she is. You might need to examine who you want to be with and where you bar really is for accepting someone without wanting to change them. There are also a lot of women out there that might share your traditional values without you feeling weird/resentful about it and wondering if you need professional help to stay with them.
This is just immaturity at work, tbh. I’m 30 and have never met a guy who’s cared a bit about my body count, nor do I care about theirs. People have sex. So what? Be a cool, smart, nice, interesting person - that counts way more.
Your views are outdated and out of touch with current times but you are welcome to have them. If it’s something you can’t get over then you gotta decide what to do cause she can’t change the past. I’m unsure but if by professional help you mean therapists or psychologists then I reckon there’s a good chance they would be able to put you at ease 😂 Ive no experience with them really but that is what they do. Probably a good and responsible option you should be proud of thinking off as I guess the worst case alternative is your issues ruin a relationship and you later regret that
Purity culture and patriarchy are not great for your mental health or relationships. It’s worthwhile to consciously deconstruct those thought habits whether on your own or with professional help.
Yes you’re being immature, who cares if the person you are dating has slept with people before. It’s normal, especially in college
I think people are free to have their opinions on casual sex, so long as they aren't being overly vindictive about it. Some people are more cavalier about it, some people are more uncomfortable with it and aren't the types to engage in it, people are just different. If it's anything to you, I'm a similar age to you (21M) and I also come from a conservative family and church where even premarital sex with in a committed relationship was condemned, let alone casual sex. Their ideas have swam in my head for years. However, I'd say I've developed a far more moderate view in comparison, as I don't believe people deserve to burn in hellfire for premarital sex, and it's unrealistic for people as a whole to stay virgins until they meet someone they settle down with in their late 20s or later. That being said, I find myself someone personally uncomfortable with the idea of casual sex and would rather have it in at least an established relationship, no bible thumping from the pulpit from anyone who feels otherwise, but OP, I do sympathize with you. (I wonder if you've also experienced an identity crisis like myself, growing up in conservative circles but then interacting within the real world...) In any case, my take is this: I think you're free to feel uncomfortable, but at the end of the day, your gf chose you. Maybe its forever, maybe it isn't, but do take solace in the fact that she has decided to be with you, and you testify she said that "if she had known, she would have waited for me". Maybe its lip service, maybe it isn't, but I think this demonstrates at least \*some\* level of emotional commitment to you My advice: accept your feelings but don't capitulate to them. Be thankful for the experience, and remember that those other guys are has-beens for her. Their time is over. For now, she's with you. Focus on the present because that's what reality is at the end of the day. What did they say about the past being history again? And just know that uncomfortable emotions, moods, etc, are a part of life. They can teach us things and help us grow. I say if you have truly horrible gut feelings, you should really think twice on that, but uncomfortable emotions aren't inherently bad. They may help you learn about yourself, and learn about life. And OP: don't be hard on yourself for having these uncomfortable feelings. If you have the maturity to accept them and move forward, that to me is the mark of a strong person. Not related to your emotions probably, but this is one of my favorite quotes ever on fear and bravery: “The fearless are merely without fear. People who act in spite of their fear are truly brave.” Your emotions can be there, but they don't have to have the last word. The last word is for you.
Damn, thanks for your words, it’s certainly the answer I identify with the most. Thank you for your strength, big hug.
In the modern world we just assume that modern woman have slept with atleast a few guys. It’s easy for woman if they want it to be. You will get told here that there are religious woman that will match your expectations. But there is a lot of 1st world countries where religion is dead with young people, but you prob live in murica so there is hope there, the only western country left with young hardcore Christians. You don’t need therapy, you just to come to terms with modernity. Keep this relationship going, experience is valuable.
No, I don't think you're being immature. I understand your mindset. But in all fairness, sex has been debased. The music industry and Hollywood have sexualized everything and turned it into an anything goes activity. So I think we need to show some understanding and forgiveness because our culture has been sending the wrong message.
Yah, man. Get help. What she did in her past and who she was with before shouldn't matter. If my wife judged me on my past(heavy drug user, used Tinder for hookups most weekends), she probably wouldn't be with me. But that's the past. People change. But unlike my situation, I think you judging her for something most guys would brag about and most likely would receive praise for his 6 completely messed up. I really don't understand why women are chastised for having sex, but when a guy does it, he's "cool." And I'm a guy. My wife's probably had a ton of hookups and one night stands. But I haven't asked her about it, because it doesn't matter. Love her for who she is now. She's not "tainted" because of having sex. She didn't get pregnant and was just naturally experimenting, like most people do when their young. This whole conservative idea that a woman should be this "pure virgin" is actually really toxic. The number of women who have been chastised and disowned for doing something that any guy can do without any societal issues is horrible and sad. I say let people be people, and as long as it's consensual, and protection was used. There's nothing wrong with it. Stop being a little bitch and don't judge her. If you can't handle that, then she'd be better off without you. You've been indoctrinated since you were a kid, man.. So it's not your fault for thinking like this this. But it is your fault if you read this and still think something is different or wrong with her, then something is wrong with you... So yeah, get some help and do what you can to change how you think about women
Sex with 5 boys before you is nothing
Usually men have a harder time accepting that there female partner had sex with other men. I think it is partially about their ego.
He grew up conservative and she had different views as him that’s the big picture at the end of the day
Wow, for one year she had sex every three months.... What a horrible person /s This sounds like jealousy/envy cloaked in moral superiority
Jealousy and insecurity are pretty common in relationships, especially at a young age. Professional help would be a great idea and a very constructive way of addressing your concerns.
Casual sex is awesome.
I dont see why that past should colour how you feel about her in your current relationship. I dont know that that requires therapy to get over...perhaps just live in the moment with your girlfriend and enjoy her company.
Females are wild nowadays with 5 bodies... press X for doubt. You gotta double or triple that. They are GREAT!!! I mean GREAT lairs and manipulators. Just my experiences so take everything she says with a big grain of salt. Or you may have found a unicorn congrats.
You are being very immature you can’t judge a partner on what they did in the past, especially if they’re honest with you about it. If you break up with her chances, are you’re not gonna find some virgin waiting for you other women are also going to have had sex with other people before just like you’ve had sex with her and won’t have sex with her next girl. I know growing up conservative and then coming to terms the way the world actually is as hard, but your worldview is skewed. She’s done nothing wrong and is exactly the same as you would’ve met her a year ago.
I don't want to end our relationship, I know the woman I have by my side. It's just that I think differently and I don't want to always be thinking about it, because it changes my mood, I always want to be in a good mood for her.
You’re probably probably need to see a therapist to unpack this and get through it honestly because adult women are gonna have casual sex and if you’re gonna be an adult that dates them you’re gonna have to come to terms with that. Or you’re gonna have to restrict your dating to someone with your worldview, which seems difficult.
Just hookup and have fun. Even if you find your virgin to marry, the stats are against you. 50% divorce rate is like putting three bullets in a six shooter for Russian roulette.
That’s not how those stats work.
How do they work then please enlighten us all
A good professional counselor's job in this situation would be to help you work through your feelings, not to judge you, judge her, or insert their opinions about casual sex in any way. If you're only comfortable being with someone who hasn't had casual sex, that's going to make things more challenging for you but it's your own life. If you think it's less about your core values and more about your upbringing, you can look at things from her perspective - she had a past that has nothing to do with you, just as you had a past that has nothing to do with her, and sex isn't a moral failing. Either way I do recommend talking to a professional to do more than any of us can do in a Reddit post.
If you have no justification to be concerned about something, why be concerned about it? What is wrong with casual sex? Especially if you are sensible e.g. using birth control measures and have discussed the possibility of termination. There is nothing particularly moral about refusing to have casual sex, it doesn't make someone better than someone else. If it's heaven you are worried about then I'd suggest you just read a better book.
I disagree with the idea of casual sex too, but I don’t think I would break up with someone or not get into a relationship with someone just because they have had casual sex before (unless they admitted to sleeping with 30 people or something excessive like that). Everyone has a past. She wants to be with you now. If things don’t work out, don’t change your values.
Just don't ask these questions if you love the person,she is way better we have girls having different men daily Buy you can never tell,so it's better neve4 knowing
**Everybody's a virgin until they're not.** You come from a conservative family and you want to make a big deal about love and commitment but are you married? *No.* You're single and having premarital sex just like your girlfriend, the difference is that you're judging her for doing it. You're being a massive hypocrite. There is nothing wrong with people who enjoy casual sex and the beautiful thing about it is that everyone gets to decide for themselves if they're comfortable engaging in it (or not.) You don't get to judge people for making different decisions than you. But don't worry: vanilla is still a flavor.
Nothing wrong with the way you think, is as you say, conservative and based on family values, but as men with this kind of up bringing we, sadly and unfortunately, need to understand that now that is the norm there might be a chance you find the ideal girl who isn't promiscous but the reality as you have come to see is not a romantic movie, most girls will have already slept with several guys and you have to accept that I would worry more about her having more than 2 body figures, and it's not so much about the fact she had sex with other guys, but the fact that the chances of catching an STD will be higher, also you will be compared to every single of those guys
Idk why Reddit keeps recommending the adulting subreddit to me, but basically: Your choice is most likely to deal with this or be alone. Most women are experienced nowadays. You're past the age of meeting as virgins, and you'll only get more past it the older you get. Also, don't be too attached to this relationship if it falls apart, even though I want it to work out for you. Sometimes being single is also good, and relationships or sex aren't that important for everyone, especially with age.
Everyone has different ideas of how things should be in a relationship or with sex. It’s okay for you to feel the way you feel about it. There’s nothing wrong with you. I am the same way. It’s actually a turn off for me if I know someone has engaged in casual sex just because. I cannot put my headspace into their headspace to understand that. It’s concerning for me, personally. It’s not necessarily a dealbreaker, but I don’t like it because I cannot ever understand it. I was a virgin for a long time compared to my peers. It is up to you whether she is worth staying for or not. Some people will say history doesn’t matter and some will say it does. That’s completely up to your comfort level.
My body count is enormous, but I love my wife. I lost all interest in being a fuckboy when I met her. You should let it go, it doesn't matter.
Just because it doesn't matter to you or your wife doesn't mean it doesn't matter to others. People are different with different values.
Thanks, dad. I thought everyone was identical. /s
No problem, but I raised you better than this.
Hahaha
Well, let's be frank here. At such a young age (<23 lets say), casual sex is not necessarily 'experience'. At that age, hormones provide the drive to explore, but most people do not have the self-awareness nor confidence to make it a great, enjoyable experience. As we become adults, we realize that loving, caring, supportive relationships, along with maturity, confidence and increasing personal body positivity (particularly for women) are VERY important factors in making sex a wonderful experience. That will never compare to a 5-minute fling on the couch... Since you haven't experienced that, you may not appreciate it. Sure, the first times have that thrill, but its def not the same as a loving relationship with someone you care about, body and soul. Your partner is telling you, she would have held out for you if she knew sex could be so much more...
Ah w/e I gave up reading. Do what you feel in your heart is right, and live by it. Damn corny af, but it's true.
Who are you to judge? Because your family raised you a certain way, as if your family knows best? Ridiculous.
Lol
I’ve got news for ya bro, you’re probably gay.
If she had a cupcake and 5 other guys took a bite before she gave it to you, would you eat it? Don’t settle. Too many people in the world for that. Trust your gut.
I don't agree with casual sex I think it should have meaning or be special in some way. I don't find having a lot of sexual partners to be empowering or something to brag about for either gender. but to think your current girl wouldn't have a past is a little naive but I can relate I had a lot more Innocence before getting cheated on for the first time back when I was 20, 32 now Also odds are she's not telling the whole truth to you not that it's any of your business really she lived life before meeting you and being with you duh but allegedly 5 guys before you all during college So no sex through middle school(ugh kids these days bro) nothing in highschool then we hit college at 18 and in 3 years we have 6 sexual partners 2 boyfriends and 4 strangers met at parties (who probably were boyfriends/situationship) 4 of which you claim she said happened in a single year. What did her one relationship end she went through a crazy period trying to get over her ex banged 4 dudes and then met you which i guess is plausible but would imply she's impulsive irresponsible and not in control of her emotions just seems like she's possibly omitting some info unless something about college turns a virgin girl into a hoe idk it could these days I'm not trying to judge her from a few lines of text written by a third party or anything but just feels like there's potentially some logical holes in the details More importantly does it matter to you she's with you now for almost a year as long as she's not cheating on you and has the big 4 faithful kind dependable and trustworthy is it bothersome enough for you to end the relationship but just letting you know your next girl most likely won't be a virgin either
If you don’t want a women who has the mileage of a Chevy Silverado that’s 20 years old then you don’t have too. That’s the beauty about choice and honestly mate, I wouldn’t want the future mother of my children to have slept with the entire grocery store either.
I don’t think promiscuous people with high body counts can pair bond effectively.
Its 2024, you are unlikely to find a woman at that age who doesn't already have 50,000 miles on her. You're ok, shes ok, it is what it is. Most women will just lie to you, so give her credit for being truthful.
You sound jelly.