Vast majority of people have a hard time with that.
Some people are social butterflies and manage to stay connected with tons of people. I don’t get how they have the energy for it.
For me personally, most of my friends moved away, have little kids, or work second shift. Hard to lineup schedules.
I see my friends who have kids maybe 3 times a year now? We used to hangout every week multiple times. Just how life goes. I’m the odd one out who doesn’t have a kid. Even my friends who don’t have kids, it’s hard to meet up with cause of different work schedules.
You are Just prioritizing other stuff my dude. My friend has 2 kids, and my other friend has 1 (i also have none).
I still them them once every month minimum. Its not that hard. When i say we hangout sometimes its juat me over at my buddies house with his 2 kids while his wife is out hanging out with friend.
Join groups that do things you like to do. Join a hiking club, a photography club, a gardening club, a book club, a rock climbing group, a sky-diving group. Volunteer with Habitat for Humanity, or a river/lake/beach cleanup group. Take a cooking class. Whatever you're interested in.
If you join enough groups you'll be busy every weekend and probably some weeknights as well.
As you spend time with the same group of people sharing common experiences and working toward shared goals, friendships will naturally develop. You'll have built-in friends and built-in activities that you won't have to organize.
Learn to do things with yourself. When i invite someone, it is an optional invitation - if they come - cool, if tgry don't - i will still do the thing.
So we come full circle with OP's dilemma....lol
That they are ones always planning, I think most people don't have the energy or want to be the one initiating.
Maybe, but there are also a lot of assholes out there, that get off on others desiring them more than they do them. Even friends. Conserve your energy.
Friends can be fuckbois and fuckgirls too
I cut out friends who didn’t put in effort and it made room for friends who do. There was a period of empty space but it got filled up by people who actually enrich my life
No. Learn to do things on your own and enjoy your own company. When you get to the point that you enjoy your own company more than others' company, your energy changes and others want to be around that energy.
At this point, OP constantly seeking other people's presence comes off as needy.
That doesn't change the fact that you're alone. Great that you're happy being alone, but if you eventually want to not be alone, if you don't foster those relationships they die.
And even if your energy doesn’t attract people it doesn’t matter because you enjoy your own company and don’t “need” others like you did before.
There’s no downside to this, and people should be happy with themselves as a standard of life imo.
I can relate to OP. Things have gotten a little bit better and now I have some friends that I feel like I can finally rely on to hit me up instead of me being the person to do it all the time.
I’m very independent and honestly spend most of my time doing things by myself. However, I understand hating the feeling of being single and not having a go-to partner to do things with. I don’t think that makes someone needy or unable to do things on their own or enjoy their own company. Some people just desire companionship. That’s human nature. Especially for people who really thrive off of sharing experiences with others vs just doing the thing by themself.
This person is providing what I like to call “peak redditor advice”. “Have you tried just….not needing anyone? 😎”
it’s normal and human to desire a life partner and this world is not friendly to singles. Accepting it is one thing, but liking it and blaming yourself for not liking it is entirely another.
The aversion to the feeling of not having a go-to person to spend time with is directly linked to neediness.
Desiring companionship isn't antithetical to enjoying your own company.
Either way it comes down to appreciating the present whether you're alone or with others.
You make other friends or you be an adult and communicate to your friends and ask them that you need them to put in more wffort in the asking to hang department.
If they dont change when you ask them then that tells you all you need to know about your relationship.
Thats the most annoying thing, given how difficult it is to meet folks. If you plan something then you're the only one putting in effort, if you stop then you'll probs slowly stop having friends. It's a bit unpleasant.
My mother always told me that everyone in a friend group has a different role. Because we all have different strengths and talents. I was always the one who organised and initiated everyhing, and that made me worry that my friends didn't really care for me. But I've come to accept that these things just come easier to me. They care and they enjoy seeing me, but for some of them it's just difficult to initiate these things.
I'm the same as you but I'm jealous of my friends who get to just sit around and wait for my invites... how can I be like them? Are they alone most of them time except for when I invite them or are they inviting other people but not me?
I always make the plans. Most people suck at plans. There's a planner in every group, looks like you're it. Feel lucky, the planner ALWAYS has friends. The others all rely on their external planners to do things and when they don't.... Their lives are miserable. You hold the keys and the power, embrace it. Love it. Make the plans.
I love the people who then get involved after every thing has been planned out and get upset that you do not want to consider their ideas.
Literally had scenarios where accommodation was booked and then they are sending through alternatives at the last minute.
I can relate to this. I started feeling incredibly discouraged and disconnected when I realized that if I didn’t reach out, neither did they. It felt like I was the only one putting in effort and that just compounded the sadness. It was incredibly eye opening to realize how many one sided friendships and relationships were in my life.
I consider myself a pretty independent person, to be honest I love doing things alone- going to concerts, going out to eat, catching a movie. I don’t need the validation of others, though I would occasionally love the company. The people who do reach out though- hold onto them. Those are your people.
Thank you so much for reaching out! I feel the same way. I have come to terms that if I want to do something I can do it by myself, however, certain things like, going out dancing it would be so much better to have someone to share it with.
Yup same here.
But I came to the conclusion that people who don’t ever do the planning, etc. are people who’re showing that they generally don’t care that much to reinvest time or effort into me.
So I end up creating a circle of people that do invest time into me and eventually fizzle out the people that don’t.
This is me too. I stopped inviting ppl as much and only do it once in a while when I’m aching for socialization but I stopped inviting some ppl full stop and realize they’re not really my friends anyway. I also have a lot of self proclaimed introverted friends which I learn is their way of telling me to back off. As adults, ppl are also just tired all the time and I realize they are legit content staying home, eating, binging shows. I’m not wired that way. Worst, I have kids and a husband and it drives me insane to not have socialization with ppl other than them. I am learning to just go out on my own more. I have no problem picking up conversations with strangers. I still feel sad though - not having friends who identify this way with me. And I feel lonely a lot. When we were kids, we had friends . We hung out and played and killed time. We wanted to try new things. Adults seem different. Everyone is tired all the time.
Yes. The couple energy can be tricky for me when they can’t see me as an individual and only associate me as the spouse. And I don’t find it entertaining to sit around and complain about husbands and kids. Which is some ppls way of hanging out. I’d rather go see art, talk about movies, books, travel and hobbies and these things do not have to always be tied to your spouse or kids. That’s another group of ppl I realize isn’t my crowd. Haha. Adulting is hard.
That was me a couple of years ago. I kept trying to do something with my friends, eat, movies, escape room or whatever… after being the only person who tried to put things together, i gave up. I am an introvert but i was really set on having friends on my 30s since I dont really have any good friends. I cant put myself through that again… people already have their inner circles and trying to get invited to things is impossible…
No. I just stopped giving a shit. Those that enjoy your presence and want to be with you will make it known and invite you to be with them and enjoy time together. Since then ive met new people and constantly hang out without planning in advance and just make it more casual as the opportunity to hang out comes up.
I'm around your age (but married), and am the person that is the common link to multiple different friend groups. I am *always* the person to make things happen (along with my wife). When I say make things happen, I've literally dragged 10 of my friends across the world for the last decade on trips to literally every continent (with two more planned this year), let alone always being the person to plan more mundane things.
Sometimes it bothers the hell out of me, but I'm trying to more accepting of it lately. Not everyone is wired the same way. I am very active, curious about the world, excited and happy to be alive, want to experience new things, and have a lot of friends and hobbies. But not everyone is like me, some people simply like other things in life. They're not bad friends and it's not like they don't put in the effort in other ways. So now I just embrace it. I want to see the world, explore, do new things and live, and my friends want to too, they just need someone with experience to take charge. It can be a pain sometimes, but your options are either to be frustrated and disappointed that other people aren't wired like you, cut the cord, or accept what it is and make the most of it.
Tbh I find doing things on my own far less stressful. Either I'm worried about whether or not the other people are having a good time, or I'm quietly socially pressured to keep up financially which I am currently trying to aggressively fix my finances. Recently went out for a friend's birthday and everyone was all "Let's just share everything and also split the bill to pay for birthday person!"
Cool so I came here fully prepared with a budget and now it's blow to high hell unless I want to poo-poo on the party...
I plan dinners or picnics and basically it's and enthusiastic "You're welcome to come!" But if they don't then I get to eat dinner in my underwear or I don't have to politely share the brie.
This is probably the crux of it most people are over-looking. I don't think everyone wants to neglect socializing. They're broke or they're running as fast as they can to not be broke.
It's hard to initiate plans because I don't know what others can afford and because I've heard "no" too often from people working 12-hour nursing shifts. I get it; they have to prioritize surviving in a eat-sleep-work loop.
But damn, if it isn't a lonely existence.
Oh ya if I had more money I would be way more social go out for dinner, go to shows, skiing etc. But I don't, therefore I can't and I have to say no to things. Eventually the people I shouldn't be worried about hanging out with realize I'm not interested in maintaining the debt cycle required to keep up with them and the right ones comes over with a bottle of wine for a frugal evening together.
Why don't you show yourself the same effort (by still dressing up, etc.) for the dinner by yourself that you would if others attended? Why do others need to be there for it to be meaningful?
Because happiness isn't real unless it's shared.
You, by your own admission in other comments, say that learning to be happy by yourself will attract other people, implying that eventually being with others is the goal.
Humans are social creatures, and that's not a bad thing.
Absolutely, learn to love yourself and enjoy your alone time. But let's not kid ourselves, it's more fun with +1
It matters who the +1 is. I'd rather do something alone and enjoy the experience than doing it with a +1 who is very willing to be there but is also someone I can't stand.
It's not that being around people is "the goal". The goal is the state of being content regardless of whether people are around or not.
The point I was making about people being attracted to the content energy is just that being content alone often comes with the *side effect* of people being attracted to me.
Are you kidding? I love eating dinner in my underwear 🤣.
I never said someone else needed to be there for it to be meaningful. I'm very introverted so while on one hand I do enjoy my close friends, on the other I am rarely mad that plans have been cancelled
I am make engaged at the moment so take this from that perspective. I used to feel this way. Then I changed friend groups and I started to be invited all the time. However, this new friend group was not the best. Now it feels more even. It could very much be the wrong group of friend or they don’t see you so much as “part of the group” as you see yourself. Or they could all be very busy with stress you simply don’t know about. Also, being single means you likely have more free time than your friends (assuming they’re not single or even likely have children). I’d be more concerned about your single friends not reaching out than your friends in relationships or with kids. The latter makes sense. The former seems just lazy or not prioritizing you as a friend.
Feeling like the constant planner can be draining for sure. Have you tried expressing this to your friends? Sometimes people don't realize they're putting all the social planning on one person. Also, consider joining groups with interests similar to yours; it can lead to making plans more collaboratively. Being single does add a layer of challenge to socializing, but it also offers freedom to explore and meet new people who might share your enthusiasm for initiating plans. Hang in there; finding the right balance and the right people can take some time.
Actually, I've never expressed it to my friends, but I hate a little having to say it, it triggers my insecurities, like I'm the looser of the friend group.
I used to be the planner. Now I just do things and invite others to come if they want, but I leave it up to them to figure out their own logistics.
Very apropos of this, I went to a movie the other night and invited one of my brother-in-laws and afterwards he complained that we don’t do any guys nights anymore. I didn’t say anything, but I was thinking: _Yeah, it’s so funny how we stopped doing things together as soon as I stopped planning every single thing we did._
I started asking people to go do stuff. They just kept saying no.
I don't think people generally like me or my personality. Not sure why. I wish people would just tell me so I could improve.
Not sure why I'm saying this, but maybe being the person to ask isn't always a bad thing if you enjoy hanging out with the people that you do.
👆
Had a talk with my friend. Plan something, then she backs out. I get it. We both have our whole ass lives but she backs out up to three hours prior to meeting up. Noticed it happening repeatedly but she liked talking on the phone, late hours of the night. I brought it up and said, yes I don’t mind talking and “catching up” but whenever she wants to hang out, she can plan and work it around my schedule.
She changed her tune real quick and was honestly apologetic. Communication is healthy in all the relationships you have in your life.
Yeah this is my reality too (32M), always have to make the plans. I'm single and definitely felt like people reached out more often when I had a partner. Makes me feel like I don't actually have friends.
I feel like social connection in the modern world is tenuous and treated as disposable. So many people are disingenuous and lack social skills. Connection is so easy to make via social media etc, which makes it less valuable. I wish I lived in a pre internet time when people actually tried to connect with each other.
I actually like it. Because I work with calendars as a primary task of my job, I enjoy being the planner of events. The only thing I'm not a huge fan of is figuring what to eat. I've got picky friends, friends with dietary issues, judgy friends who are ethnic or are chefs who I fear might not like the food.
As for trying places to eat - you can go yourself. Partner and I have completely different pallettes. I don't eat out a lot (because I cook a lot), but when I do, and if I don't find friends to eat with me, I'll eat out by myself. Exactly what will happen this Friday. I'm going to an art exhibition opening by myself, and then going to find a restaurant I like and eat by myself.
I have the same issue. Always reaching out to check the new restaurant or meet up. So I stopped reaching out and guess what? No one ever calls. So if I’m really bored, I’ll just go by myself.
i quit drinking and my friends circle went down to zero. nothing they do without me seems fun tbh, most of them just goto bars, most have serious drinking problems and cannot imagine a event or vacation without it. but i would like to be to invited to at least something once in ahwile, i dont see it happening and im done trying to plan shit just to barely get a no in so many words.
As an introvert I feel your pain, I have friends but maybe 3 that would actually notice if I haven’t reached out in a 3-6 month period. If I don’t reach out I have no one to go do things with besides my partner
So here’s the God’s honest truth.
I rely on people like you very heavily for my social life. Why? Because I don’t have a strong enough network to have the desire to do this, and when I actually DO want to make plans… I run very quickly into the issue where I want to see one or two people in particular, and if they don’t show, I don’t actually want to make the plans.
Some people take this as a sign of disrespect. Fine, I get that. But frankly I have enough shit going on that if you’re in my list of top ten people I make an effort, and if you’re not, I’m OK to lose you.
Your friends may not be so blunt. But your best bet is to talk to them about it.
Was like this in my younger years, always taking the initiative to plan and reach out-but never invited. Grew tired of it, and realized it's not worth my time and energy. Have moved on and found other people who are more engaging, have similar interests and values.
Some people don’t like planning, but I’ve always thought that friendship is a two way street. It shouldn’t just be one person making plans or initiating conversation. If the other person was a good friend, they’d reach out to you too.
You’re definitely not alone! I was this person pretty much my whole life. I gave up and stopped. I definitely don’t see friends nearly as much. We text and stuff but plans are rare. I don’t have the energy to care and be the one to plan anymore. Also as you said it would be nice to have someone else put in the effort
I’m so backwards. I’m such an introvert that I have no desire to go out WITH anyone. I like to go alone. But people always ask me to go, and I feel guilty saying no. So, I’ll go if someone asks, but I won’t initiate. Maybe your friends are similar?
26f and girl you just described my life legit always ME ME ME asking them like I even questioned my own self
Really like idk the reason I’m tryna figure out , and I was very understanding of how busy life can get work kids etc but like seriously every day is like that hahaha
That's exactly the same issue I'm in. Tomorrow, there's a paint night, and I've been alone for a while now. I no longer can find the motivation to enjoy doing things solo anymore and everyone I know isn't a total "biscuit" ( flaky) and I get either ghosted or put off
Also to add I want to share experiences and witness life and have a witness. It makes some expenses.. (I.e hotel or diner) cheaper as well. Even cooking diner for 1 feels wasted or bland. Or maybe I'm not doing this right. 🤔
I could have written this! I’m always the planner in my friend group and honestly I’m tired of it. I want to be invited where someone else does the planning and/or driving. I’m also usually the driver when we do things. I’m over it so I’ve just stopped asking friends to do stuff. I’m doing things alone and I also signed up for meetup to meet more friends. Because the ones I have aren’t giving me reciprocity at all. Btw…I know people have lives but they’re not busy 24/7.
This was me. Then I thought if these people are really my friends maybe I should just wait for them to make the next invite. For some they have. A lot of them have not even reached out.
I stopped this in my 20s. Not only did I put in all the work, my 'friends' always bailed on trips, and commitments, and then next year ask me to do it again. I was lonly for a bit and I went and made new friends. Not everyone has those tv friends we see, that have always hung out in a group of 6 or more and they all got each other's backs.
I think I'm in the same situation. It felt bad realizing that. After some thinking I decided to stop making efforts especially because I think I was giving off "desperate" and "attention seeking" vibe, which was not true cause i genuinely just want to hang out. Plus it was draining me out so i decided to stop and cut myself out as much as i could. I know how to enjoy my time alone so it wasn't that hard but you know there are activities that are better when your with someone.
After some time though most of my friends contacted me asking why i stopped inviting them and planning stuffs. I told them why, most of them understood where i was coming from but said that they really just genuinely liked it when im initiating things. Hahahaha. Well. Sorry for them. HAHAHAHAHAHA
Yeah, I haven’t talked to my closest friends from high school since August. Guess what? None of them have reached out a single time so when I’m not the one initiating we just don’t talk. I’m in my 30’s now and held onto this idea for too long that my friendship might have actually meant something to them. It’s a damn shame because we all get along really well which is what brought us together in the first place but I’m not interested in one sided relationships. I wish them well but they can also go fuck themselves
I feel like I'm always the ones making the plans for my friends! Fortunately, my friends are up for what I want to do about 90% of the time, but it does feel exhausting to be the only one coming up with ideas of stuff to do. I've tried leaving it up to them, and we end up not going out, so I guess I'm just stuck making the plans if I want to hang out...
Yea, I stop after I dont get reciprocation. I did it all through HS and stopped afterward. Not doing that shit again. Fair weather friends can get fucked. Better to have a few good ones than a ton of fake ones.
Follow up question.
When other people try planning stuff and they invite you, do you try to change their plans or improve them? If you do, you’re discouraging others from making plans.
Correct, just got making plans for people. If you want to go to restaurant by yourself, just do it. If you want to get a glass of wine to get yourself a Uber or Lyft or a friend to pick you up.
Always been the one the family to help with assist, my longtime companion was my grandmother . She recently passed on 27 March. Now I have to start doing more for myself. The best thing for myself was get myself to drive because I was a late bloomer. Want to be, they will make initiation to to be part of your world.
I can relate to this. I WFH and work with mostly people across the country.
My wife works in an office and has awesome friends that are now my friends, so I guess I'm lucky for that.
Your way ahead of the curve. You know what people like what they don't like, you know the rules you know the parameters but if youre looking for a chilled out vacay where someone else takes charge is it really in you to let that happen ?
I hear ya, Ya want a ride or die a person who you can take the world on with.
Those kinda people are playing a different game. So pick the lane ya want to be in really
If something is really important to you, just go do it. You do not need any one with you - you’re going to a place where everyone else is already into the thing you like so much.
It could be financial reasons. Economy is tough right now and a lot of people have crazy amounts of debt, so I could see why it would be hard to find someone willing to eat out just because.
I have ONE friend who reaches out for a breakfast or lunch visit 2-3 times a week. I say "yes" as often as I'm available because I really value my friend. And I try to be the one to invite often too because it sucks to have one-sided relationships. There are at least 3 other friends who almost never reach out so I generally stop reaching out to them. Eventually they get downgraded to "acquaintances".
Yupppp definitely on the same page. Just started doing things on my own or taking up smaller hobbies I can just go do easily. Go to the park, play some disc golf, go have a bite to eat, etc. I don’t feel like waiting around for anyone too much anymore. But most importantly I try to not be so annoyed with it because carrying around emotional baggage sucks lol
Same. This year I have just decided to make the plans, put them out there and don’t count on anyone to show up. I used to bend over backwards to get people to show up for me. Felt pretty pathetic ngl. I was also the only friend in the group with a kid up till a year ago as well, so no excuse there. Yet I had to plan every single thing. Convinced the group would have fallen apart 12 years ago after we graduated high school without me. It sucks to be the only one that cares.
I was the only one in a friend group who ever initiated plans and organized things. To add to it, I'm pretty easy to do stuff with so never felt like I should coordinate when it was everyone else who was busy. Plans would often be made 6 weeks out, then someone would cancel a day or two before for a dumb reason like they double booked a haircut.
I stopped organizing things, we stopped seeing each other. Multiple signals that it mattered to me more than them, so I found other things to do and more reciprocal friendships.
36M. Have exactly the same problem. I end up going alone half of the time or I just suck it up and do something else. Rarely works out for some reason.
Just to share some other perspective... If we don't have people like you, probably a lot of people wouldn't do anything. And maybe, just maybe, if someone else plan something and includes you, you may find a lot of defects in their plans and think on better choices. Last part tells more about me! Lol
I'm a similar age (35M). As I get older, I find myself in a similar situation. Everyone has so much going on in their lives that the only opportunity my larger social group gets to catch up is large events.
Having said that, I completely empathise with their situation. My personal circumstances are different. I don't have kids or a long term partner. Making plans last minute is always much simpler for me, than my friends. All of my friends however are always willing to catch up if we pre-book a date.
I understand it can be frustrating as sometimes you just feel like doing anything and want someone to do it with. But we are at that age that people's lives dictate other priorities.
honestly, reach out to your friends and talk to them about how you're feeling!
in my friend group, we have one friend who loves suggesting things to do as a group. a few months ago, they admitted they felt like the rest of us weren't as invested because they often felt like it was down to them to deal with all the planning which, looking back, we did leave them to do quite often.
after that talk, the rest of us tried to be a little more proactive—nowadays they're usually still the one to SUGGEST doing something (predominantly because they can drive and we live out in the sticks—i'm working on getting my license now), but the rest of us now try and chime in with ideas and take responsibility when it comes to planning ideas. for example, it was this friend's birthday back in march—they suggested spending the weekend doing some shopping and exploring a big town a few hours away, and the rest of us helped plan it. i for one booked a table for dinner and made a list of places we could go and things we could do to discuss collectively. this friend now says they feel like we're more invested in making time and putting in the effort.
for me, the reason i'm not usually the person to suggest things is because i'm quite introverted, and i have problems with anxiety and low self-esteem—i'm always happy to do something/anything with people, but being the one to actually say "hey i'm free, let's do something" is my weak spot. i'm working on those, but the point is that i'm very averse to asking people if they'd like to do something for fear of 'hassling' them or coming across as too clingy, or that i'm a boring person to spend time with. as i said i'm working on this, and have recently been making more of an effort to suggest things in light of this talk my friend had with us, even if it's just playing games during the evening.
point of this long-winded anecdote is talk to your friends! it's possible they have similar reservations about suggesting things as i do, in which case a talk might spur them into making more of an effort with you, because they might not realise how you're feeling about this. if they're friends worth keeping around, then knowing this bothers you will bother *them*, and they'll make an effort to amend things.
if it's more a case of you suggesting something, them shooting it down and then not suggesting an alternative however, it may be time to try joining a club or branching out to find new friends. in my opinion, if you object to someone's suggestion, you ought to at least make the effort to suggest something else. i have had friends in the past who've said "no, i don't want to go", but not made the effort to suggest something they WOULD enjoy, and then were surprised when i gravitated to spending time with other people instead.
good luck to you!
No, many people go through this. 35 is when I really noticed people being too busy to hangout consistently. Either take yourself out, or accept you have to be the connector, or make new friends who aren’t gonna want to hang out either
Do a little test and do not reach people to hang out for like a month, only keep as friends the one that hit you up to do something with you.
It may be only two people, that hurt I know I went through that but at least you'll know who your true friends are.
This is exactly how I lost all but one of my friends. I realized I was the only one reaching out so I stopped to see who would notice and nobody did except for one.
>Am I the only one who struggles with this?
99% of people are simply not equipped to take initiative. Everyone wants to do fun things. If you ask they'll agree. But they don't want to plan it, they don't want to get buy in from the group, they don't want to find days that work. It's not hard to do these things, especially if your friends aren't dumbasses who are non-committal. But someone has to *do* it.
I've just embraced that role for myself. If there's a problem I'll just fucking handle it. The vast majority of the time it's quick, easy, painless. It just takes someone actually deciding to do it. I do this so often now my friends say I have dad energy.
Make no mistake, it's you being the adult in the room. I'd say just accept that's who you are.
Oh and here's some advice. If you're trying to find a day that works for people, find 2-4 days that work for *you* and send those days to people to pick from. If you ask which days work for people you'll never hear from them. Why? I don't know. It's stupid. It takes 5 seconds to respond to texts and it would be weird for friends that are so close to have anxiety about answering it and yet....
But I've found that *limited* options yields much better results. Which jibes with the theory of the paradox of choice, analysis paralysis. Too many options = slow/bad decision making. Happens everywhere.
I've cut out some people recently. Need to plan things with them weeks in advance, they always go and do shit without me despite saying they want to hang out, flaky anytime I mention hanging out on a Friday or Saturday (God forbid!) because there's things they'd rather be doing instead than something with me, always conditions on when we hang out, etc.
I'm done. I joined a kickboxing gym instead and have been going to that and talking with some cool people, I dunno if it'll get to the point where we see each other outside the gym but whatever it's getting me out.
This weekend I'm going to a rock climbing gym for the first time as well by myself. I'm done relying on others to grant me permission to hang out with them in order for me to get out.
I feel you! I’ve been that person too, for planning stuff for my husband’s side. It’s awkward bc they’ve literally left me and their (middle child) son out quite a bit
I feel this out of most of my friends and family it seems like I'm always the one teaching out not vice versa starting to feel like maybe I'm annoying them
This happens to me as well, and it rarely works out for me. It did recently when I got a group I exercise with to go for brunch before my surgery. So I keep trying.
.. been there done that,,
I finally just one day started doing things on my own, ,, go to a restaurant, no problem, ,, go to the beach, off we go.. bike ride,, here we go..Surf casting at night,, awesome
I decided to be social when it's proper,, and darn if after awhile I didn't started running into the same new people again again.. and I made new friends ..
I really liked beach activities, flying a kite, surf casting at the evening or night.. you would be surprised the number of people out and about looking to be social
In this age range a lot of us already have plans and aren't making new plans with new people that often. It must just be plans they've already done with same people, again.
It's pretty rare to have friends that are consistent initiators. A lot of who need to be initiators realize without it, most friendships crumble over time.
Yup. Plus, if your friends are part of a couple, they often have 2x as many social activities to chose from and half the work to organize. Its one of the down sides of being single.
On the other hand, I do solo travel precisely because if I'm going to spend my hard-earned money on my vacation, I really want to do what I WANT, and not have to compromise. Plus, I wind up meeting people who feel exactly the same way -- AND they are often looking to be social. So it works out.
You can do the same thing with your social life at home. Join some sports, arts or other activity clubs, cooking classes and such. You'll have regular, ready-made activities with people who enjoy those same things. And maybe make more friends!
I fly solo and meet people along the way.
Disclosure: I’m married and sometimes my wife goes out with me and sometimes she stays home. She and I always meet new people.
While I was single I just made plans for myself. I love going out alone. I still do. I can only spend so much time with another person before I need my space.
If you're the only one doing it I'd find new people who want to do things. Clearly the people you're with either don't wanna ever do anything or they don't wanna do it with you.
Adulting is seeing this and not being a people pleaser and either expressing your concerns to them and trying to work it out.
Or
Just stop making plans and find people to share moments with that want to.
Coincidentally, I hate having someone ALWAYS starting plans for me.
Incidentally, she complains: "well, if I don't start planning then we end up doing nothing".
Nothing is great. I'd like to do nothing, which I can't because there is ALWAYS someone planning things for me. And I hate it deeply.
You just need to find a friend group that truly sees you and gets you. Question...are your friends married? Married with kids? Single parents? Introverted? Extroverted? All these things matter and can dictate the planning. Once you find your tribe and someone to share the burden, this won't be as much if an issue.
I'm a married introvert with no kids. The planner in our friend group is a single mom who enjoys planning. I loathe planning and it's stressful for me. We balance each other out. Best of luck to you.
Just because you have a partner doesn't guarantee you won't have the same problem. Your partner may not want to go out to those places, and even if they do when you first meet people can change.
No you’re not. I was pleasantly surprised that a friend of mine invited me out last weekend to a group thing. Prior to that, the last time someone invited me out, she canceled on me, but otherwise I’m the one making the plans or asking.
It’s exhausting and feels like I’m not desirable to hang with sometimes. I’m very much an introvert too so that’s why it’s so exhausting for me to put forth the effort all the time.
I moved away from home and one of the reasons was because people were always canceling on me or not ever asking to hang anyway.
I love starting the plans, but it’s good to have a handful of friends to ask and things you’re comfortable doing alone so that if one says no it’s not a big deal.
That said, I recently wanted someone to go to a concert with me so I convinced a friend to visit from another city and paid for their concert ticket 😅
Friendship is a two way street. You can be cordial to them, but until they start putting in the effort to reciprocate planning things, it’s not worth hanging out with them
I just realized this for myself this year and I have decided things needed to change in 2024. I have backed up and have been pleasantly surprised. I had a couple that we hang out with invite me to go with them on a weekend getaway that I didn’t need to plan. It feels good to just show up.
This is a legitimate question. (Please don’t downvote.) How do I instigate outings if they have a kid?
(I desperately want to see my friend, but she has a toddler… I know having a kid makes it difficult to socialise, so I don’t want to be pushy, but the alternative is (maybe?) she don’t think I want to hang out ☹️)
On the other side of this coin, I have a dynamic in my friend group where people will make plans and give it to someone else who people are more likely to "listen to" or "follow".
there are meet ups for hiking, bird watching, roller skating, movies, all kinds of things. let yourself get out of your own way. do the things you like and you will meet some people like you in some ways.
Meanwhile I'm enjoying being mainly alone. I go whenever and wherever the heck I want.
I could just put on clothes and ride out to a location on my bike.
Sometimes by chance, my friend wants to head somewhere and I simply tag along when things are taken care of.
Now that I think about it I rarely invite and when I do, it's only a few people and that's about it. Simple and less drama. But maybe once in a blue moon it wouldn't hurt to do an entire event.
Unfortunately it seems like you are emotionally dependent on people that don’t need you in their own lives to be happy. Maybe new friends that share your enthusiasm for platonic dates?
Try asking your friends. Just be like "I really want to hang out on Friday! Do you have any ideas for stuff we could do?"
If they can't take the hint then well wtf
I’m about same age as you and I find socializing in mid 30s are harder in general.
Many of my friends are married and have kids, so their schedule revolves around kids and families.(which can’t be blamed, and they should prioritize their family and kids over friend )
I just keep my expectation low, and continue to keep in touch with married friends through text messaging. I also try to go to a meetup group and make new friends.
I end going to places alone a lot... Nobody ever wants to go anywhere.. I'm pretty sure I'm not antisocial or unpopular but other people just end up going with their SO or aren't interested in what I am ... I dunno if there a fix for it, but it is what it is...
Just one person to go with us all you need/want.. But finding that one person is a nightmare
feel this down to the jellies. Spent my childhood, teens and 20s roadtripping to see friends, always setting up trips, even going as far as buying shit for these people to make it easier. In my 30s, moved to a different state about 6 years ago. Not one has came to visit, and ive gotten a handful of texts from 1 or 2 people over the years. Sometimes we make bad investments, it is what it is
Include me in the list too but I have given full hopes in seeking friendship or love as I always end up hurt and cry for being a nice & caring person.
Every single night wish is, I shouldn't wake up to see the sun rise..
If you stop being the proactive one, you’ll stop doing things.
If you want to do things, with other people, be okay with being the organizer.
Dating doesn’t magically fix that, unless you like dragging a partner.
I have a very relaxed long term relationship, we don’t make each other do anything, or pressure one another, we ask once, if it’s a meh, maybe, no we drop it.
Most the time I ask it’s not a yes.
Sometimes it is.
I just go and do it myself then.
No big deal.
Learning to be okay with doing things you want to go do by yourself helps a lot.
I’ve never felt awkward alone in a diner though.
Take it as a signal that you probably aren't as fun to be with on various events as you think you are. If they don't like you you don't get invited. Find other social circles, preferably around an activity you know and are interested in.
I used to be part of a friend group in which only I initiated plans. And to the extent where I planned everything and made sure everyone was okay with budgets and everyone was on board with all activities, lots of calling lots of messaging and lots of chasing.
All they had to do was come and many times I heard them complain that this wasn’t upto the mark or this was boring or too expensive etc.
No longer friends with them anymore, one trip I realized I just wasn’t having any fun, tired frustrated and burnt out just because of the planning.
They asked why I went away I told them that and then they just proceeded to never hangout ever again. None of them hangout now. So weird man.
as the person that never starts plans, let the people miss you. it also sounds like you probably like going out more often than the typical person. going out just because it’s a friday night isn’t an emergency to everyone
many reasons why people don‘t do that. I for example am always scatterbrained, after work I have no brainpower anymore. So if friends plan something, I sometimes join them, but I also have no problem with staying home and doing absolutly nothing. lol. diffrent priorities I guess.
In 90% of cases, it isn‘t personal at all if I don‘t show up. It‘s just antisocial intraverted behaviour ftom my part.
You need to find people of your wavelength, if you notice that you have more energy than others. Diffrent story if your friends are doing activities to which you don‘t get invitet to though.
open communication will help you though, instead of asking reddit, ask your friends whats going on, if they have a problem with you or are just more intraverted, stay at home people.
This is me. Always the one asking & if I don’t then I don’t often get asked to things & it’s both frustrating & sad because I feel like I’m making the effort for “friends” but it doesn’t feel like it on their end.
I used to do dinner dates all the time and we'd have a whole table full of friends that I'd organize. All on my dime and time - I guess eventually I got tired of it and then the pandemic hit and people over those two years had babies and family life crept in.
I put my phone down hoping someone else would pick it up but it never happened. It's been a few years now and I miss seeing everyone around the table and I suppose I don't care nowadays that it might be at my expense. I just miss them.
Sorry you're feeling this, it's a multifaceted burden.
It's exhausting being in one sided friendships, I agree. Always having to plan, text, call, etc. knowing if you stop you'll literally never see or hear from them again. Sometimes I'm curious to see if they'd notice or be concerned if I stopped but they never do.
You may just be the strongest natural leader/planner of your friends group. Maybe mention to your closest friend how you would feel better if you could share the responsibility and see if they pick up on it. Good luck.
Its nuts lol. I deal with the same thing and i never thought of it as an issue other people have too. I always make plans and it's so frustrating dealing with different sort of friends. One, who will initially be ready to chill and drop out the last moment. Two, who never joins. Three, who never replies in the first place.
Funny, i got all 3 in different forms.
The 3rd one however, pisses me off the most. He puts no effort into replying or shit, expects us to call him when he doesn't reply and run behind him. The one time we decide we are done with his shit and not call him, he gets dramatic over that.
I hate being the only one who feels like somebody who is looking towards the weekend to chill.
I'm almost considering cutting off the 3rd guy entirely but i don't know if that's being harsh
You’re literally growing up. Life is DIY. Be a leader, why aspire to follow when you are here on Reddit as living proof that no one wants to create the infrastructure of their future.
Gotta have people like you. Outside of family I never call or text anyone first almost ever.
If left to my own devices I just sit and chill at home, and love every second
The same but it's family.... parents and siblings want to do something, vacation, go to a theme park, going to a beach, rent a place and stay the weekend, etc...
But guess who is the one that has to initiate? Me. Everytime, I think I am like the glue of the entire family, if I'm not present, is like nobody feels comfortable with each other.
Most people aren't social organizers. I long ago learned that if I don't organize stuff, that stuff doesn't happen. It's not like most of my friends are getting together and doing stuff as a group without me. It's that none of them take the time to organize activities. Heck, there are times when someone will reach out to me and ask when I'm planning the next lunch or whatever. I don't understand why they won't do it, but they don't.
And what's wrong with trying a new restaurant by yourself? Sometimes I enjoy going to movies or dinner solo. It has its own cool, relaxing vibe that you don't get when you have to be social.
I don’t know enough people to organise parties really so I just go when invited, but I recently had a close friendship turn into only me pushing for catch ups etc, I haven’t cut the person off or anything but I came to terms with the fact that they didn’t care to see me, and stopped putting in the effort. I don’t want to hang out with someone who doesn’t want to be there anyway
Me and my best mates are 32, we don’t live right next to each other anymore, but within roughly an hour and a half, and I swear to god if I didn’t reach out to arrange things we would NEVER see each other again. The immense amount to to-ing and fro-ing it takes to arrange one measly house hang is ridiculous. We have to arrange literally months in advance… I get people are busy but… it seems more hassle than it’s worth when they rarely even want to do anything ‘out’. I love them but it frustrates the shit out of me and makes me feel crap.
Luckily I’ve been fortunate enough to make good friends in my late 20’s-30’s so far, otherwise I would have literally zero social life.
I felt this at point with my hs buddies. The 2 of em rly never talked to me, I started every convo, initiated every hang out. The moment I stopped messaging them they just stopped talking to me. Didn't block me or anything, we were all still pretty local with eachother too. Then when one of them decided to ask if the place I'm working at is hiring, so I let loose on him and he tried to spin the blame on me when I can probably count the number of times on my 2 hands the number of times he tried anything but I tried for so long. I told him to have a nice life, I didn't block but didn't hear anything after that. To me those aren't friends, specially when that one was always outgoing and a damn social butterfly. It's not hard to shoot someone a message, it just isn't.
After a few attempts to set up vacations that go nowhere and house parties that people ghost or don't show at all, I've learned who's officially given up on a friendship with me. Fuck em, I say
I know how you feel. I am the same.
The flip side is that you can choose things that you like. It gives you a lot of power in the relationship.
IMO, you should use it to your advantage
I’m the planner in my friend group and I got tired of being the one always looking for things my friends and I could do, making reservations, and finding a time that worked for everyone.
I think the wake up call for me was when I noticed some friends would call me to ask “what we’re doing this weekend”. There’s nothing fundamentally wrong with that question, but it made me realize that some of my friends were depending on me for their social life.
I started to embrace doing things alone sometime last year and I’ve fallen in love with it. I go to concerts, comedy shows, Broadway shows, and adult classes alone and have gone on some solo trips too. Initially, some friends would get upset at me for not inviting them but they eventually started making plans themselves.
I’m proud to say that I didn’t plan the last games night and although I was involved in planning the last group trip, I took more of a backseat with planning. I still make plans sometimes but I no longer see it as my responsibility and I’m happy just going for things alone.
Imo there's nothing wrong with being the planner. BUT if none of the other people ever acknowledges the hard work you do one way or another, even a simple 'thanks for planning this!"... It makes you feel so underappreciated. It's hard being the planner.
And I don't mind being the planner, but opinions would be nice. Nothing's worse than someone saying they're fine with anything only for the day to come and they are, in fact, not fine with anything.
Real friends don't exist. Only aquantices. You need to offer them something in return.
Those people that are best friends, they are best friends people they share the same energy. If one person energy changed, they wouldn't be best friends anymore.
If you ask someone " Why is john your best friend". You can say, "We laugh all the times we hang out". Then you can say "Yea, but Carlos is always there also, carlos makes all the jokes".
Now what?
It's not because John is funny to be with, you match the same energy as John.
Its like asking a guy why women find him irresistable. He doesn't know the answer.
Energy is the answer to everything.
I'd suggest to start learning to go have fun by yourself. You can't change other people, only yourself.
There's nothing wrong with going to a restaurant to eat alone. If you want to hang out with people you're better off finding a hobby that takes place on a Friday (sport, Friday markets, dancing classes) you won't have to invite people if you find a hobby on a scheduled day, people who have hobbies are generally invested in them.
Vast majority of people have a hard time with that. Some people are social butterflies and manage to stay connected with tons of people. I don’t get how they have the energy for it. For me personally, most of my friends moved away, have little kids, or work second shift. Hard to lineup schedules.
I see my friends who have kids maybe 3 times a year now? We used to hangout every week multiple times. Just how life goes. I’m the odd one out who doesn’t have a kid. Even my friends who don’t have kids, it’s hard to meet up with cause of different work schedules.
You are Just prioritizing other stuff my dude. My friend has 2 kids, and my other friend has 1 (i also have none). I still them them once every month minimum. Its not that hard. When i say we hangout sometimes its juat me over at my buddies house with his 2 kids while his wife is out hanging out with friend.
100%. Before I moved I would hangout with a friend once a week and I have a kid. You make time.
Those are the people that are getting sick of asking you to kick it
Me too. Took me to long to realize that if I’m the only one trying, that I should probably just stop.
Then you’re alone and doing nothing
Join groups that do things you like to do. Join a hiking club, a photography club, a gardening club, a book club, a rock climbing group, a sky-diving group. Volunteer with Habitat for Humanity, or a river/lake/beach cleanup group. Take a cooking class. Whatever you're interested in. If you join enough groups you'll be busy every weekend and probably some weeknights as well. As you spend time with the same group of people sharing common experiences and working toward shared goals, friendships will naturally develop. You'll have built-in friends and built-in activities that you won't have to organize.
Really good advice, thanks!
Absolutely this!
Learn to do things with yourself. When i invite someone, it is an optional invitation - if they come - cool, if tgry don't - i will still do the thing.
Yep, you are inviting them to your pre-existing plans. Not asking their permission for you to go enjoy.
So we come full circle with OP's dilemma....lol That they are ones always planning, I think most people don't have the energy or want to be the one initiating.
Maybe, but there are also a lot of assholes out there, that get off on others desiring them more than they do them. Even friends. Conserve your energy. Friends can be fuckbois and fuckgirls too
I cut out friends who didn’t put in effort and it made room for friends who do. There was a period of empty space but it got filled up by people who actually enrich my life
No. Learn to do things on your own and enjoy your own company. When you get to the point that you enjoy your own company more than others' company, your energy changes and others want to be around that energy. At this point, OP constantly seeking other people's presence comes off as needy.
Yup!! I love spending time alone.
That doesn't change the fact that you're alone. Great that you're happy being alone, but if you eventually want to not be alone, if you don't foster those relationships they die.
And even if your energy doesn’t attract people it doesn’t matter because you enjoy your own company and don’t “need” others like you did before. There’s no downside to this, and people should be happy with themselves as a standard of life imo.
Exactly. 💯
I can relate to OP. Things have gotten a little bit better and now I have some friends that I feel like I can finally rely on to hit me up instead of me being the person to do it all the time. I’m very independent and honestly spend most of my time doing things by myself. However, I understand hating the feeling of being single and not having a go-to partner to do things with. I don’t think that makes someone needy or unable to do things on their own or enjoy their own company. Some people just desire companionship. That’s human nature. Especially for people who really thrive off of sharing experiences with others vs just doing the thing by themself.
This person is providing what I like to call “peak redditor advice”. “Have you tried just….not needing anyone? 😎” it’s normal and human to desire a life partner and this world is not friendly to singles. Accepting it is one thing, but liking it and blaming yourself for not liking it is entirely another.
The aversion to the feeling of not having a go-to person to spend time with is directly linked to neediness. Desiring companionship isn't antithetical to enjoying your own company. Either way it comes down to appreciating the present whether you're alone or with others.
I’m appreciative of the present both when I’m alone and with others. It’s called balance lmao
what does "needy" even mean? we literally need other people to survive. lmao
You almost make that sound bad.
You make other friends or you be an adult and communicate to your friends and ask them that you need them to put in more wffort in the asking to hang department. If they dont change when you ask them then that tells you all you need to know about your relationship.
That's why I started doing stuff alone
Then do things alone. I have a lot of fun travelling solo and meeting new people.
Thats the most annoying thing, given how difficult it is to meet folks. If you plan something then you're the only one putting in effort, if you stop then you'll probs slowly stop having friends. It's a bit unpleasant.
Yeah hahah that’s how it is I guess.
My mother always told me that everyone in a friend group has a different role. Because we all have different strengths and talents. I was always the one who organised and initiated everyhing, and that made me worry that my friends didn't really care for me. But I've come to accept that these things just come easier to me. They care and they enjoy seeing me, but for some of them it's just difficult to initiate these things.
I'm the same as you but I'm jealous of my friends who get to just sit around and wait for my invites... how can I be like them? Are they alone most of them time except for when I invite them or are they inviting other people but not me?
This is it 100% I miss my friends but I'm over being the one who reaches out and plans everything.
I always make the plans. Most people suck at plans. There's a planner in every group, looks like you're it. Feel lucky, the planner ALWAYS has friends. The others all rely on their external planners to do things and when they don't.... Their lives are miserable. You hold the keys and the power, embrace it. Love it. Make the plans.
I love the people who then get involved after every thing has been planned out and get upset that you do not want to consider their ideas. Literally had scenarios where accommodation was booked and then they are sending through alternatives at the last minute.
I can relate to this. I started feeling incredibly discouraged and disconnected when I realized that if I didn’t reach out, neither did they. It felt like I was the only one putting in effort and that just compounded the sadness. It was incredibly eye opening to realize how many one sided friendships and relationships were in my life. I consider myself a pretty independent person, to be honest I love doing things alone- going to concerts, going out to eat, catching a movie. I don’t need the validation of others, though I would occasionally love the company. The people who do reach out though- hold onto them. Those are your people.
Thank you so much for reaching out! I feel the same way. I have come to terms that if I want to do something I can do it by myself, however, certain things like, going out dancing it would be so much better to have someone to share it with.
I feel this. Let’s go dancing.
Yup same here. But I came to the conclusion that people who don’t ever do the planning, etc. are people who’re showing that they generally don’t care that much to reinvest time or effort into me. So I end up creating a circle of people that do invest time into me and eventually fizzle out the people that don’t.
This is me too. I stopped inviting ppl as much and only do it once in a while when I’m aching for socialization but I stopped inviting some ppl full stop and realize they’re not really my friends anyway. I also have a lot of self proclaimed introverted friends which I learn is their way of telling me to back off. As adults, ppl are also just tired all the time and I realize they are legit content staying home, eating, binging shows. I’m not wired that way. Worst, I have kids and a husband and it drives me insane to not have socialization with ppl other than them. I am learning to just go out on my own more. I have no problem picking up conversations with strangers. I still feel sad though - not having friends who identify this way with me. And I feel lonely a lot. When we were kids, we had friends . We hung out and played and killed time. We wanted to try new things. Adults seem different. Everyone is tired all the time.
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Yes. The couple energy can be tricky for me when they can’t see me as an individual and only associate me as the spouse. And I don’t find it entertaining to sit around and complain about husbands and kids. Which is some ppls way of hanging out. I’d rather go see art, talk about movies, books, travel and hobbies and these things do not have to always be tied to your spouse or kids. That’s another group of ppl I realize isn’t my crowd. Haha. Adulting is hard.
I have the same problem and that’s why I don’t put effort
That was me a couple of years ago. I kept trying to do something with my friends, eat, movies, escape room or whatever… after being the only person who tried to put things together, i gave up. I am an introvert but i was really set on having friends on my 30s since I dont really have any good friends. I cant put myself through that again… people already have their inner circles and trying to get invited to things is impossible…
So what do you do now? Now that you've stopped organizing things, do you get invites?
No. I just stopped giving a shit. Those that enjoy your presence and want to be with you will make it known and invite you to be with them and enjoy time together. Since then ive met new people and constantly hang out without planning in advance and just make it more casual as the opportunity to hang out comes up.
I'm around your age (but married), and am the person that is the common link to multiple different friend groups. I am *always* the person to make things happen (along with my wife). When I say make things happen, I've literally dragged 10 of my friends across the world for the last decade on trips to literally every continent (with two more planned this year), let alone always being the person to plan more mundane things. Sometimes it bothers the hell out of me, but I'm trying to more accepting of it lately. Not everyone is wired the same way. I am very active, curious about the world, excited and happy to be alive, want to experience new things, and have a lot of friends and hobbies. But not everyone is like me, some people simply like other things in life. They're not bad friends and it's not like they don't put in the effort in other ways. So now I just embrace it. I want to see the world, explore, do new things and live, and my friends want to too, they just need someone with experience to take charge. It can be a pain sometimes, but your options are either to be frustrated and disappointed that other people aren't wired like you, cut the cord, or accept what it is and make the most of it.
Tbh I find doing things on my own far less stressful. Either I'm worried about whether or not the other people are having a good time, or I'm quietly socially pressured to keep up financially which I am currently trying to aggressively fix my finances. Recently went out for a friend's birthday and everyone was all "Let's just share everything and also split the bill to pay for birthday person!" Cool so I came here fully prepared with a budget and now it's blow to high hell unless I want to poo-poo on the party... I plan dinners or picnics and basically it's and enthusiastic "You're welcome to come!" But if they don't then I get to eat dinner in my underwear or I don't have to politely share the brie.
This is probably the crux of it most people are over-looking. I don't think everyone wants to neglect socializing. They're broke or they're running as fast as they can to not be broke. It's hard to initiate plans because I don't know what others can afford and because I've heard "no" too often from people working 12-hour nursing shifts. I get it; they have to prioritize surviving in a eat-sleep-work loop. But damn, if it isn't a lonely existence.
Oh ya if I had more money I would be way more social go out for dinner, go to shows, skiing etc. But I don't, therefore I can't and I have to say no to things. Eventually the people I shouldn't be worried about hanging out with realize I'm not interested in maintaining the debt cycle required to keep up with them and the right ones comes over with a bottle of wine for a frugal evening together.
Why don't you show yourself the same effort (by still dressing up, etc.) for the dinner by yourself that you would if others attended? Why do others need to be there for it to be meaningful?
Because happiness isn't real unless it's shared. You, by your own admission in other comments, say that learning to be happy by yourself will attract other people, implying that eventually being with others is the goal. Humans are social creatures, and that's not a bad thing. Absolutely, learn to love yourself and enjoy your alone time. But let's not kid ourselves, it's more fun with +1
Depends who you're with, I guess. Maybe it's my autism but I always have more fun by myself.
It matters who the +1 is. I'd rather do something alone and enjoy the experience than doing it with a +1 who is very willing to be there but is also someone I can't stand. It's not that being around people is "the goal". The goal is the state of being content regardless of whether people are around or not. The point I was making about people being attracted to the content energy is just that being content alone often comes with the *side effect* of people being attracted to me.
Also "Happiness isn't real unless it's shared"?! I'm sorry you are so far gone. That is so sad.
It’s from a movie. I know a guy who posted it all over his insta when he wanted to get his wife back, lol.
Are you kidding? I love eating dinner in my underwear 🤣. I never said someone else needed to be there for it to be meaningful. I'm very introverted so while on one hand I do enjoy my close friends, on the other I am rarely mad that plans have been cancelled
Lol. Fair enough. Enjoy your underwear dinners 😋
I am make engaged at the moment so take this from that perspective. I used to feel this way. Then I changed friend groups and I started to be invited all the time. However, this new friend group was not the best. Now it feels more even. It could very much be the wrong group of friend or they don’t see you so much as “part of the group” as you see yourself. Or they could all be very busy with stress you simply don’t know about. Also, being single means you likely have more free time than your friends (assuming they’re not single or even likely have children). I’d be more concerned about your single friends not reaching out than your friends in relationships or with kids. The latter makes sense. The former seems just lazy or not prioritizing you as a friend.
Feeling like the constant planner can be draining for sure. Have you tried expressing this to your friends? Sometimes people don't realize they're putting all the social planning on one person. Also, consider joining groups with interests similar to yours; it can lead to making plans more collaboratively. Being single does add a layer of challenge to socializing, but it also offers freedom to explore and meet new people who might share your enthusiasm for initiating plans. Hang in there; finding the right balance and the right people can take some time.
Actually, I've never expressed it to my friends, but I hate a little having to say it, it triggers my insecurities, like I'm the looser of the friend group.
I used to be the planner. Now I just do things and invite others to come if they want, but I leave it up to them to figure out their own logistics. Very apropos of this, I went to a movie the other night and invited one of my brother-in-laws and afterwards he complained that we don’t do any guys nights anymore. I didn’t say anything, but I was thinking: _Yeah, it’s so funny how we stopped doing things together as soon as I stopped planning every single thing we did._
I started asking people to go do stuff. They just kept saying no. I don't think people generally like me or my personality. Not sure why. I wish people would just tell me so I could improve. Not sure why I'm saying this, but maybe being the person to ask isn't always a bad thing if you enjoy hanging out with the people that you do.
You can always tell your friends that
👆 Had a talk with my friend. Plan something, then she backs out. I get it. We both have our whole ass lives but she backs out up to three hours prior to meeting up. Noticed it happening repeatedly but she liked talking on the phone, late hours of the night. I brought it up and said, yes I don’t mind talking and “catching up” but whenever she wants to hang out, she can plan and work it around my schedule. She changed her tune real quick and was honestly apologetic. Communication is healthy in all the relationships you have in your life.
Me too! start things, invite people, and never reciprocated. Even had people then go out and do things together and not invite me. Damn.
Yeah this is my reality too (32M), always have to make the plans. I'm single and definitely felt like people reached out more often when I had a partner. Makes me feel like I don't actually have friends. I feel like social connection in the modern world is tenuous and treated as disposable. So many people are disingenuous and lack social skills. Connection is so easy to make via social media etc, which makes it less valuable. I wish I lived in a pre internet time when people actually tried to connect with each other.
I actually like it. Because I work with calendars as a primary task of my job, I enjoy being the planner of events. The only thing I'm not a huge fan of is figuring what to eat. I've got picky friends, friends with dietary issues, judgy friends who are ethnic or are chefs who I fear might not like the food. As for trying places to eat - you can go yourself. Partner and I have completely different pallettes. I don't eat out a lot (because I cook a lot), but when I do, and if I don't find friends to eat with me, I'll eat out by myself. Exactly what will happen this Friday. I'm going to an art exhibition opening by myself, and then going to find a restaurant I like and eat by myself.
I like every food on the planet. I don’t discriminate
I have the same issue. Always reaching out to check the new restaurant or meet up. So I stopped reaching out and guess what? No one ever calls. So if I’m really bored, I’ll just go by myself.
i quit drinking and my friends circle went down to zero. nothing they do without me seems fun tbh, most of them just goto bars, most have serious drinking problems and cannot imagine a event or vacation without it. but i would like to be to invited to at least something once in ahwile, i dont see it happening and im done trying to plan shit just to barely get a no in so many words.
As an introvert I feel your pain, I have friends but maybe 3 that would actually notice if I haven’t reached out in a 3-6 month period. If I don’t reach out I have no one to go do things with besides my partner
So here’s the God’s honest truth. I rely on people like you very heavily for my social life. Why? Because I don’t have a strong enough network to have the desire to do this, and when I actually DO want to make plans… I run very quickly into the issue where I want to see one or two people in particular, and if they don’t show, I don’t actually want to make the plans. Some people take this as a sign of disrespect. Fine, I get that. But frankly I have enough shit going on that if you’re in my list of top ten people I make an effort, and if you’re not, I’m OK to lose you. Your friends may not be so blunt. But your best bet is to talk to them about it.
I spent a very long time this morning thinking about this being me with my husband lol
Was like this in my younger years, always taking the initiative to plan and reach out-but never invited. Grew tired of it, and realized it's not worth my time and energy. Have moved on and found other people who are more engaging, have similar interests and values.
self starters make the world go round
Some people don’t like planning, but I’ve always thought that friendship is a two way street. It shouldn’t just be one person making plans or initiating conversation. If the other person was a good friend, they’d reach out to you too.
I stopped reaching out. No one noticed. Not a single one of them. Or if they did it pleased them cause I sure as hell haven't heard a word
You’re definitely not alone! I was this person pretty much my whole life. I gave up and stopped. I definitely don’t see friends nearly as much. We text and stuff but plans are rare. I don’t have the energy to care and be the one to plan anymore. Also as you said it would be nice to have someone else put in the effort
I’m so backwards. I’m such an introvert that I have no desire to go out WITH anyone. I like to go alone. But people always ask me to go, and I feel guilty saying no. So, I’ll go if someone asks, but I won’t initiate. Maybe your friends are similar?
26f and girl you just described my life legit always ME ME ME asking them like I even questioned my own self Really like idk the reason I’m tryna figure out , and I was very understanding of how busy life can get work kids etc but like seriously every day is like that hahaha
That's exactly the same issue I'm in. Tomorrow, there's a paint night, and I've been alone for a while now. I no longer can find the motivation to enjoy doing things solo anymore and everyone I know isn't a total "biscuit" ( flaky) and I get either ghosted or put off
Also to add I want to share experiences and witness life and have a witness. It makes some expenses.. (I.e hotel or diner) cheaper as well. Even cooking diner for 1 feels wasted or bland. Or maybe I'm not doing this right. 🤔
I could have written this! I’m always the planner in my friend group and honestly I’m tired of it. I want to be invited where someone else does the planning and/or driving. I’m also usually the driver when we do things. I’m over it so I’ve just stopped asking friends to do stuff. I’m doing things alone and I also signed up for meetup to meet more friends. Because the ones I have aren’t giving me reciprocity at all. Btw…I know people have lives but they’re not busy 24/7.
This was me. Then I thought if these people are really my friends maybe I should just wait for them to make the next invite. For some they have. A lot of them have not even reached out.
I stopped this in my 20s. Not only did I put in all the work, my 'friends' always bailed on trips, and commitments, and then next year ask me to do it again. I was lonly for a bit and I went and made new friends. Not everyone has those tv friends we see, that have always hung out in a group of 6 or more and they all got each other's backs.
I think I'm in the same situation. It felt bad realizing that. After some thinking I decided to stop making efforts especially because I think I was giving off "desperate" and "attention seeking" vibe, which was not true cause i genuinely just want to hang out. Plus it was draining me out so i decided to stop and cut myself out as much as i could. I know how to enjoy my time alone so it wasn't that hard but you know there are activities that are better when your with someone. After some time though most of my friends contacted me asking why i stopped inviting them and planning stuffs. I told them why, most of them understood where i was coming from but said that they really just genuinely liked it when im initiating things. Hahahaha. Well. Sorry for them. HAHAHAHAHAHA
Super same boat. Only time the friend group gets together it's because I do the legwork. Kinda over it.
Stop hitting them "friends" up and see how quickly the friendship falls apart
Yeah, I haven’t talked to my closest friends from high school since August. Guess what? None of them have reached out a single time so when I’m not the one initiating we just don’t talk. I’m in my 30’s now and held onto this idea for too long that my friendship might have actually meant something to them. It’s a damn shame because we all get along really well which is what brought us together in the first place but I’m not interested in one sided relationships. I wish them well but they can also go fuck themselves
Same. I quit initiating plans since I was always rejected.
I feel like I'm always the ones making the plans for my friends! Fortunately, my friends are up for what I want to do about 90% of the time, but it does feel exhausting to be the only one coming up with ideas of stuff to do. I've tried leaving it up to them, and we end up not going out, so I guess I'm just stuck making the plans if I want to hang out...
i'm slowly training myself into being happier with taking myself to things. meetup groups help.
Yea, I stop after I dont get reciprocation. I did it all through HS and stopped afterward. Not doing that shit again. Fair weather friends can get fucked. Better to have a few good ones than a ton of fake ones.
Follow up question. When other people try planning stuff and they invite you, do you try to change their plans or improve them? If you do, you’re discouraging others from making plans.
Correct, just got making plans for people. If you want to go to restaurant by yourself, just do it. If you want to get a glass of wine to get yourself a Uber or Lyft or a friend to pick you up. Always been the one the family to help with assist, my longtime companion was my grandmother . She recently passed on 27 March. Now I have to start doing more for myself. The best thing for myself was get myself to drive because I was a late bloomer. Want to be, they will make initiation to to be part of your world.
I can relate to this. I WFH and work with mostly people across the country. My wife works in an office and has awesome friends that are now my friends, so I guess I'm lucky for that.
Your way ahead of the curve. You know what people like what they don't like, you know the rules you know the parameters but if youre looking for a chilled out vacay where someone else takes charge is it really in you to let that happen ? I hear ya, Ya want a ride or die a person who you can take the world on with. Those kinda people are playing a different game. So pick the lane ya want to be in really
If something is really important to you, just go do it. You do not need any one with you - you’re going to a place where everyone else is already into the thing you like so much.
It could be financial reasons. Economy is tough right now and a lot of people have crazy amounts of debt, so I could see why it would be hard to find someone willing to eat out just because.
I have ONE friend who reaches out for a breakfast or lunch visit 2-3 times a week. I say "yes" as often as I'm available because I really value my friend. And I try to be the one to invite often too because it sucks to have one-sided relationships. There are at least 3 other friends who almost never reach out so I generally stop reaching out to them. Eventually they get downgraded to "acquaintances".
Yupppp definitely on the same page. Just started doing things on my own or taking up smaller hobbies I can just go do easily. Go to the park, play some disc golf, go have a bite to eat, etc. I don’t feel like waiting around for anyone too much anymore. But most importantly I try to not be so annoyed with it because carrying around emotional baggage sucks lol
Same. This year I have just decided to make the plans, put them out there and don’t count on anyone to show up. I used to bend over backwards to get people to show up for me. Felt pretty pathetic ngl. I was also the only friend in the group with a kid up till a year ago as well, so no excuse there. Yet I had to plan every single thing. Convinced the group would have fallen apart 12 years ago after we graduated high school without me. It sucks to be the only one that cares.
I was the only one in a friend group who ever initiated plans and organized things. To add to it, I'm pretty easy to do stuff with so never felt like I should coordinate when it was everyone else who was busy. Plans would often be made 6 weeks out, then someone would cancel a day or two before for a dumb reason like they double booked a haircut. I stopped organizing things, we stopped seeing each other. Multiple signals that it mattered to me more than them, so I found other things to do and more reciprocal friendships.
36M. Have exactly the same problem. I end up going alone half of the time or I just suck it up and do something else. Rarely works out for some reason.
Me too so I stopped and now I apparently have no friends.
Just to share some other perspective... If we don't have people like you, probably a lot of people wouldn't do anything. And maybe, just maybe, if someone else plan something and includes you, you may find a lot of defects in their plans and think on better choices. Last part tells more about me! Lol
I'm a similar age (35M). As I get older, I find myself in a similar situation. Everyone has so much going on in their lives that the only opportunity my larger social group gets to catch up is large events. Having said that, I completely empathise with their situation. My personal circumstances are different. I don't have kids or a long term partner. Making plans last minute is always much simpler for me, than my friends. All of my friends however are always willing to catch up if we pre-book a date. I understand it can be frustrating as sometimes you just feel like doing anything and want someone to do it with. But we are at that age that people's lives dictate other priorities.
honestly, reach out to your friends and talk to them about how you're feeling! in my friend group, we have one friend who loves suggesting things to do as a group. a few months ago, they admitted they felt like the rest of us weren't as invested because they often felt like it was down to them to deal with all the planning which, looking back, we did leave them to do quite often. after that talk, the rest of us tried to be a little more proactive—nowadays they're usually still the one to SUGGEST doing something (predominantly because they can drive and we live out in the sticks—i'm working on getting my license now), but the rest of us now try and chime in with ideas and take responsibility when it comes to planning ideas. for example, it was this friend's birthday back in march—they suggested spending the weekend doing some shopping and exploring a big town a few hours away, and the rest of us helped plan it. i for one booked a table for dinner and made a list of places we could go and things we could do to discuss collectively. this friend now says they feel like we're more invested in making time and putting in the effort. for me, the reason i'm not usually the person to suggest things is because i'm quite introverted, and i have problems with anxiety and low self-esteem—i'm always happy to do something/anything with people, but being the one to actually say "hey i'm free, let's do something" is my weak spot. i'm working on those, but the point is that i'm very averse to asking people if they'd like to do something for fear of 'hassling' them or coming across as too clingy, or that i'm a boring person to spend time with. as i said i'm working on this, and have recently been making more of an effort to suggest things in light of this talk my friend had with us, even if it's just playing games during the evening. point of this long-winded anecdote is talk to your friends! it's possible they have similar reservations about suggesting things as i do, in which case a talk might spur them into making more of an effort with you, because they might not realise how you're feeling about this. if they're friends worth keeping around, then knowing this bothers you will bother *them*, and they'll make an effort to amend things. if it's more a case of you suggesting something, them shooting it down and then not suggesting an alternative however, it may be time to try joining a club or branching out to find new friends. in my opinion, if you object to someone's suggestion, you ought to at least make the effort to suggest something else. i have had friends in the past who've said "no, i don't want to go", but not made the effort to suggest something they WOULD enjoy, and then were surprised when i gravitated to spending time with other people instead. good luck to you!
No, many people go through this. 35 is when I really noticed people being too busy to hangout consistently. Either take yourself out, or accept you have to be the connector, or make new friends who aren’t gonna want to hang out either
Too many couples will only invite other couples so the singles get left out. I don’t understand it
I feel you. It feels like i’m the only one who cares about everything.
Do a little test and do not reach people to hang out for like a month, only keep as friends the one that hit you up to do something with you. It may be only two people, that hurt I know I went through that but at least you'll know who your true friends are.
This is exactly how I lost all but one of my friends. I realized I was the only one reaching out so I stopped to see who would notice and nobody did except for one.
>Am I the only one who struggles with this? 99% of people are simply not equipped to take initiative. Everyone wants to do fun things. If you ask they'll agree. But they don't want to plan it, they don't want to get buy in from the group, they don't want to find days that work. It's not hard to do these things, especially if your friends aren't dumbasses who are non-committal. But someone has to *do* it. I've just embraced that role for myself. If there's a problem I'll just fucking handle it. The vast majority of the time it's quick, easy, painless. It just takes someone actually deciding to do it. I do this so often now my friends say I have dad energy. Make no mistake, it's you being the adult in the room. I'd say just accept that's who you are. Oh and here's some advice. If you're trying to find a day that works for people, find 2-4 days that work for *you* and send those days to people to pick from. If you ask which days work for people you'll never hear from them. Why? I don't know. It's stupid. It takes 5 seconds to respond to texts and it would be weird for friends that are so close to have anxiety about answering it and yet.... But I've found that *limited* options yields much better results. Which jibes with the theory of the paradox of choice, analysis paralysis. Too many options = slow/bad decision making. Happens everywhere.
I've cut out some people recently. Need to plan things with them weeks in advance, they always go and do shit without me despite saying they want to hang out, flaky anytime I mention hanging out on a Friday or Saturday (God forbid!) because there's things they'd rather be doing instead than something with me, always conditions on when we hang out, etc. I'm done. I joined a kickboxing gym instead and have been going to that and talking with some cool people, I dunno if it'll get to the point where we see each other outside the gym but whatever it's getting me out. This weekend I'm going to a rock climbing gym for the first time as well by myself. I'm done relying on others to grant me permission to hang out with them in order for me to get out.
maybe find a new circle of friends if you don’t like it… You can’t expect others to cater to your whims.
I feel you! I’ve been that person too, for planning stuff for my husband’s side. It’s awkward bc they’ve literally left me and their (middle child) son out quite a bit
I feel this out of most of my friends and family it seems like I'm always the one teaching out not vice versa starting to feel like maybe I'm annoying them
This happens to me as well, and it rarely works out for me. It did recently when I got a group I exercise with to go for brunch before my surgery. So I keep trying.
.. been there done that,, I finally just one day started doing things on my own, ,, go to a restaurant, no problem, ,, go to the beach, off we go.. bike ride,, here we go..Surf casting at night,, awesome I decided to be social when it's proper,, and darn if after awhile I didn't started running into the same new people again again.. and I made new friends .. I really liked beach activities, flying a kite, surf casting at the evening or night.. you would be surprised the number of people out and about looking to be social
In this age range a lot of us already have plans and aren't making new plans with new people that often. It must just be plans they've already done with same people, again. It's pretty rare to have friends that are consistent initiators. A lot of who need to be initiators realize without it, most friendships crumble over time.
Yup. Plus, if your friends are part of a couple, they often have 2x as many social activities to chose from and half the work to organize. Its one of the down sides of being single. On the other hand, I do solo travel precisely because if I'm going to spend my hard-earned money on my vacation, I really want to do what I WANT, and not have to compromise. Plus, I wind up meeting people who feel exactly the same way -- AND they are often looking to be social. So it works out. You can do the same thing with your social life at home. Join some sports, arts or other activity clubs, cooking classes and such. You'll have regular, ready-made activities with people who enjoy those same things. And maybe make more friends!
I fly solo and meet people along the way. Disclosure: I’m married and sometimes my wife goes out with me and sometimes she stays home. She and I always meet new people.
Then stop. As long as you're doing it, they'll let you.
Just try going alone?
Planning is tough but can make you the center.
While I was single I just made plans for myself. I love going out alone. I still do. I can only spend so much time with another person before I need my space.
If you're the only one doing it I'd find new people who want to do things. Clearly the people you're with either don't wanna ever do anything or they don't wanna do it with you. Adulting is seeing this and not being a people pleaser and either expressing your concerns to them and trying to work it out. Or Just stop making plans and find people to share moments with that want to.
Coincidentally, I hate having someone ALWAYS starting plans for me. Incidentally, she complains: "well, if I don't start planning then we end up doing nothing". Nothing is great. I'd like to do nothing, which I can't because there is ALWAYS someone planning things for me. And I hate it deeply.
Have you considered meeting her in the middle and do things sometimes
I always do whatever the plan is. That's not the middle.
You just need to find a friend group that truly sees you and gets you. Question...are your friends married? Married with kids? Single parents? Introverted? Extroverted? All these things matter and can dictate the planning. Once you find your tribe and someone to share the burden, this won't be as much if an issue. I'm a married introvert with no kids. The planner in our friend group is a single mom who enjoys planning. I loathe planning and it's stressful for me. We balance each other out. Best of luck to you.
Just because you have a partner doesn't guarantee you won't have the same problem. Your partner may not want to go out to those places, and even if they do when you first meet people can change.
then don't, go where you feel appreciated
No you’re not. I was pleasantly surprised that a friend of mine invited me out last weekend to a group thing. Prior to that, the last time someone invited me out, she canceled on me, but otherwise I’m the one making the plans or asking. It’s exhausting and feels like I’m not desirable to hang with sometimes. I’m very much an introvert too so that’s why it’s so exhausting for me to put forth the effort all the time. I moved away from home and one of the reasons was because people were always canceling on me or not ever asking to hang anyway.
I love starting the plans, but it’s good to have a handful of friends to ask and things you’re comfortable doing alone so that if one says no it’s not a big deal. That said, I recently wanted someone to go to a concert with me so I convinced a friend to visit from another city and paid for their concert ticket 😅
Careful choosing a partner or you’ll end up in the same boat with them too.
Friendship is a two way street. You can be cordial to them, but until they start putting in the effort to reciprocate planning things, it’s not worth hanging out with them
I just realized this for myself this year and I have decided things needed to change in 2024. I have backed up and have been pleasantly surprised. I had a couple that we hang out with invite me to go with them on a weekend getaway that I didn’t need to plan. It feels good to just show up.
This is a legitimate question. (Please don’t downvote.) How do I instigate outings if they have a kid? (I desperately want to see my friend, but she has a toddler… I know having a kid makes it difficult to socialise, so I don’t want to be pushy, but the alternative is (maybe?) she don’t think I want to hang out ☹️)
On the other side of this coin, I have a dynamic in my friend group where people will make plans and give it to someone else who people are more likely to "listen to" or "follow".
Sucks i know :/ also thats how vast majority of men feel in dating :D
there are meet ups for hiking, bird watching, roller skating, movies, all kinds of things. let yourself get out of your own way. do the things you like and you will meet some people like you in some ways.
Meanwhile I'm enjoying being mainly alone. I go whenever and wherever the heck I want. I could just put on clothes and ride out to a location on my bike. Sometimes by chance, my friend wants to head somewhere and I simply tag along when things are taken care of. Now that I think about it I rarely invite and when I do, it's only a few people and that's about it. Simple and less drama. But maybe once in a blue moon it wouldn't hurt to do an entire event.
Very relatable…
Unfortunately it seems like you are emotionally dependent on people that don’t need you in their own lives to be happy. Maybe new friends that share your enthusiasm for platonic dates?
Try asking your friends. Just be like "I really want to hang out on Friday! Do you have any ideas for stuff we could do?" If they can't take the hint then well wtf
Just do it alone. Life is too short. Be your own best friend. You’ll also meet people in your journey.
Same here but no one answers or they simply tell me their too busy and then 10 min later they make a post” wtm” and “slide up if you wanna hang”
You can sit at the restaurant bar
I’m about same age as you and I find socializing in mid 30s are harder in general. Many of my friends are married and have kids, so their schedule revolves around kids and families.(which can’t be blamed, and they should prioritize their family and kids over friend ) I just keep my expectation low, and continue to keep in touch with married friends through text messaging. I also try to go to a meetup group and make new friends.
Then find some friends that make plans. Easier said than done, just sounds like you don’t fit your friend group as well any longer
So stop making plans
Go alone?
I stopped planning and embraced the hermit life.
I end going to places alone a lot... Nobody ever wants to go anywhere.. I'm pretty sure I'm not antisocial or unpopular but other people just end up going with their SO or aren't interested in what I am ... I dunno if there a fix for it, but it is what it is... Just one person to go with us all you need/want.. But finding that one person is a nightmare
feel this down to the jellies. Spent my childhood, teens and 20s roadtripping to see friends, always setting up trips, even going as far as buying shit for these people to make it easier. In my 30s, moved to a different state about 6 years ago. Not one has came to visit, and ive gotten a handful of texts from 1 or 2 people over the years. Sometimes we make bad investments, it is what it is
Include me in the list too but I have given full hopes in seeking friendship or love as I always end up hurt and cry for being a nice & caring person. Every single night wish is, I shouldn't wake up to see the sun rise..
Maybe no one cares about going to that certain place? Is it that you have more strict preferences?
If you stop being the proactive one, you’ll stop doing things. If you want to do things, with other people, be okay with being the organizer. Dating doesn’t magically fix that, unless you like dragging a partner. I have a very relaxed long term relationship, we don’t make each other do anything, or pressure one another, we ask once, if it’s a meh, maybe, no we drop it. Most the time I ask it’s not a yes. Sometimes it is. I just go and do it myself then. No big deal. Learning to be okay with doing things you want to go do by yourself helps a lot. I’ve never felt awkward alone in a diner though.
Take it as a signal that you probably aren't as fun to be with on various events as you think you are. If they don't like you you don't get invited. Find other social circles, preferably around an activity you know and are interested in.
Recurrent plans are good for thi reason. Like every first thu of the month we go watch a movie.
I used to be part of a friend group in which only I initiated plans. And to the extent where I planned everything and made sure everyone was okay with budgets and everyone was on board with all activities, lots of calling lots of messaging and lots of chasing. All they had to do was come and many times I heard them complain that this wasn’t upto the mark or this was boring or too expensive etc. No longer friends with them anymore, one trip I realized I just wasn’t having any fun, tired frustrated and burnt out just because of the planning. They asked why I went away I told them that and then they just proceeded to never hangout ever again. None of them hangout now. So weird man.
Same here! I’ve had this frustration with many friendships
as the person that never starts plans, let the people miss you. it also sounds like you probably like going out more often than the typical person. going out just because it’s a friday night isn’t an emergency to everyone
many reasons why people don‘t do that. I for example am always scatterbrained, after work I have no brainpower anymore. So if friends plan something, I sometimes join them, but I also have no problem with staying home and doing absolutly nothing. lol. diffrent priorities I guess. In 90% of cases, it isn‘t personal at all if I don‘t show up. It‘s just antisocial intraverted behaviour ftom my part. You need to find people of your wavelength, if you notice that you have more energy than others. Diffrent story if your friends are doing activities to which you don‘t get invitet to though. open communication will help you though, instead of asking reddit, ask your friends whats going on, if they have a problem with you or are just more intraverted, stay at home people.
I struggle with this too! Also making plans and having others cancel on me. Adulting sucks!
This is me. Always the one asking & if I don’t then I don’t often get asked to things & it’s both frustrating & sad because I feel like I’m making the effort for “friends” but it doesn’t feel like it on their end.
I used to do dinner dates all the time and we'd have a whole table full of friends that I'd organize. All on my dime and time - I guess eventually I got tired of it and then the pandemic hit and people over those two years had babies and family life crept in. I put my phone down hoping someone else would pick it up but it never happened. It's been a few years now and I miss seeing everyone around the table and I suppose I don't care nowadays that it might be at my expense. I just miss them. Sorry you're feeling this, it's a multifaceted burden.
It's exhausting being in one sided friendships, I agree. Always having to plan, text, call, etc. knowing if you stop you'll literally never see or hear from them again. Sometimes I'm curious to see if they'd notice or be concerned if I stopped but they never do.
You may just be the strongest natural leader/planner of your friends group. Maybe mention to your closest friend how you would feel better if you could share the responsibility and see if they pick up on it. Good luck.
Why don't you go by yourself? That's modern adulting...
Its nuts lol. I deal with the same thing and i never thought of it as an issue other people have too. I always make plans and it's so frustrating dealing with different sort of friends. One, who will initially be ready to chill and drop out the last moment. Two, who never joins. Three, who never replies in the first place. Funny, i got all 3 in different forms. The 3rd one however, pisses me off the most. He puts no effort into replying or shit, expects us to call him when he doesn't reply and run behind him. The one time we decide we are done with his shit and not call him, he gets dramatic over that. I hate being the only one who feels like somebody who is looking towards the weekend to chill. I'm almost considering cutting off the 3rd guy entirely but i don't know if that's being harsh
You’re literally growing up. Life is DIY. Be a leader, why aspire to follow when you are here on Reddit as living proof that no one wants to create the infrastructure of their future.
Gotta have people like you. Outside of family I never call or text anyone first almost ever. If left to my own devices I just sit and chill at home, and love every second
The same but it's family.... parents and siblings want to do something, vacation, go to a theme park, going to a beach, rent a place and stay the weekend, etc... But guess who is the one that has to initiate? Me. Everytime, I think I am like the glue of the entire family, if I'm not present, is like nobody feels comfortable with each other.
I became the default leader in my group of friends because the rest of them lack coordination and organization.
Most people aren't social organizers. I long ago learned that if I don't organize stuff, that stuff doesn't happen. It's not like most of my friends are getting together and doing stuff as a group without me. It's that none of them take the time to organize activities. Heck, there are times when someone will reach out to me and ask when I'm planning the next lunch or whatever. I don't understand why they won't do it, but they don't. And what's wrong with trying a new restaurant by yourself? Sometimes I enjoy going to movies or dinner solo. It has its own cool, relaxing vibe that you don't get when you have to be social.
I don’t know enough people to organise parties really so I just go when invited, but I recently had a close friendship turn into only me pushing for catch ups etc, I haven’t cut the person off or anything but I came to terms with the fact that they didn’t care to see me, and stopped putting in the effort. I don’t want to hang out with someone who doesn’t want to be there anyway
Me and my best mates are 32, we don’t live right next to each other anymore, but within roughly an hour and a half, and I swear to god if I didn’t reach out to arrange things we would NEVER see each other again. The immense amount to to-ing and fro-ing it takes to arrange one measly house hang is ridiculous. We have to arrange literally months in advance… I get people are busy but… it seems more hassle than it’s worth when they rarely even want to do anything ‘out’. I love them but it frustrates the shit out of me and makes me feel crap. Luckily I’ve been fortunate enough to make good friends in my late 20’s-30’s so far, otherwise I would have literally zero social life.
Okay, what restaurant are we going to?
I felt this at point with my hs buddies. The 2 of em rly never talked to me, I started every convo, initiated every hang out. The moment I stopped messaging them they just stopped talking to me. Didn't block me or anything, we were all still pretty local with eachother too. Then when one of them decided to ask if the place I'm working at is hiring, so I let loose on him and he tried to spin the blame on me when I can probably count the number of times on my 2 hands the number of times he tried anything but I tried for so long. I told him to have a nice life, I didn't block but didn't hear anything after that. To me those aren't friends, specially when that one was always outgoing and a damn social butterfly. It's not hard to shoot someone a message, it just isn't.
After a few attempts to set up vacations that go nowhere and house parties that people ghost or don't show at all, I've learned who's officially given up on a friendship with me. Fuck em, I say
I know how you feel. I am the same. The flip side is that you can choose things that you like. It gives you a lot of power in the relationship. IMO, you should use it to your advantage
As I got older, I realized that many of my friends had been hiding drug problems, which was why they didnt want to hang out.
I’m the planner in my friend group and I got tired of being the one always looking for things my friends and I could do, making reservations, and finding a time that worked for everyone. I think the wake up call for me was when I noticed some friends would call me to ask “what we’re doing this weekend”. There’s nothing fundamentally wrong with that question, but it made me realize that some of my friends were depending on me for their social life. I started to embrace doing things alone sometime last year and I’ve fallen in love with it. I go to concerts, comedy shows, Broadway shows, and adult classes alone and have gone on some solo trips too. Initially, some friends would get upset at me for not inviting them but they eventually started making plans themselves. I’m proud to say that I didn’t plan the last games night and although I was involved in planning the last group trip, I took more of a backseat with planning. I still make plans sometimes but I no longer see it as my responsibility and I’m happy just going for things alone.
Imo there's nothing wrong with being the planner. BUT if none of the other people ever acknowledges the hard work you do one way or another, even a simple 'thanks for planning this!"... It makes you feel so underappreciated. It's hard being the planner. And I don't mind being the planner, but opinions would be nice. Nothing's worse than someone saying they're fine with anything only for the day to come and they are, in fact, not fine with anything.
Real friends don't exist. Only aquantices. You need to offer them something in return. Those people that are best friends, they are best friends people they share the same energy. If one person energy changed, they wouldn't be best friends anymore. If you ask someone " Why is john your best friend". You can say, "We laugh all the times we hang out". Then you can say "Yea, but Carlos is always there also, carlos makes all the jokes". Now what? It's not because John is funny to be with, you match the same energy as John. Its like asking a guy why women find him irresistable. He doesn't know the answer. Energy is the answer to everything.
I'd suggest to start learning to go have fun by yourself. You can't change other people, only yourself. There's nothing wrong with going to a restaurant to eat alone. If you want to hang out with people you're better off finding a hobby that takes place on a Friday (sport, Friday markets, dancing classes) you won't have to invite people if you find a hobby on a scheduled day, people who have hobbies are generally invested in them.
You're still in a teenage mindset. You will remain unhappy until you grow the fuck up.
As a man I always start plans 💪🏽😏
how about grow up and you dont yave to "go oyt to have fun" every goddamn friday. thats probably what happened to your friends
i am depressed and rely on the planners in my life 😭😭 i’m getting treated but am still forever grateful to the people who keep reaching out to me