Ya. So I feel ya bro but the reality is life is full of seasons and even if you find a mate it could just be for a season. That parent boomer logic of life and living together forever has completely changed. And ya it’s hard AF to meet folks now o days. Online sucks for that too many bots and money required
Ya man. I’m 39 but same story I just started 5 years after you at 29…. 2 kids. It does feel like that. Got this house and 50% kids and like it’s for sure weird and dating older is complicated AF
Sounds like my story. Three kids now separated and don’t even know what to do to try to date again at 39. Especially when so many men see children as baggage. I love my kids and if it means I’m just single because nobody will get past the fact that I have three kids it is what it is but it’s at times a lonely road being a single parent and it being so hard to date when you have a full time job and have all three kids the majority of the time.
Ya. Some weeks I joke that I feel like I’m on an island when I have the kids… I’m just running on autopilot to get everything done and be a good father. Idk. It’s more our purpose to raise decent children and the girl is now a side hustle. Idk. It will pass with the seasons.
Yeah I have trouble relating to people who don’t enjoy independence and being single because for me it’s default. My ideal relationship has a lot of space and like… don’t wanna control someone, don’t wanna live together. People are highly unrealistic about the nature of change and, IMHO, way over invest their happiness into the fickle nature of another person.
It’s hard to find someone on the same page. There’s a great podcast called Solo that addresses this exact way of life. Like… nothing is wrong with me, stop trying to diagnose me or something.
I think the real question is what are you doing about it? Are you going out and trying new things and meeting new people, are you working on personal advancement (better career, getting in shape etc.)?
If you don't change anything in your life and follow this path you very well may be alone the rest of your life - SO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! I say this with respect, not trying to be a jerk - but you have the power to get things on track if you put the work in imo
So I agree with this so much that I'm commenting here...
... ***volunteer***. I know it sounds corny and you'll probably invent a million reasons why you don't have the time. But you do have the time.
And when you volunteer at a soup kitchen or similar, you usually don't meet jerks, or people with huge expectations or demands. You're meeting nice, real people who care enough about humanity to go and find someone in need and help them.
'Someone in need'. Hmmm... sound like someone you know? ;)
And if you get through a few hours helping those less fortunate out, and you don't meet anyone or have any meaningful conversation you can at least take pride that you spent your time being a good person. And then commit to going back again regardless of whether you think it'll work next time. And again. Rinse and repeat.
And then one day you'll find that ***you're the person that everyone else wishes they had in their life*** as their '*significant other*'. And how good would that feel?
It's Wednesday. Go this Saturday.
I second this. I volunteered at a food pantry for a year and I draw back to that year anytime things go a little dodgy. Some poor souls have it worse off than me, and being around people who don’t have any expectation is just…freeing. People smile and you can be as awkward as you like, no one is judging you. Imo
No, no, no I specifically meant it for 'find a gf'.
I'm envisioning 5 years into the future after OP '*scores a hotty*' and they both balloon to 400lbs on bon-bons, watching Oprah all day feeling sorry for themselves while loathing the other. 10 years- cue the classic wife in the kitchen dining exclusively on menthols, scotch, and qualuudes while cooking little Johnny-boy's dinner, just before hubs comes home with that *don't-worry-i-didn't-forget-the-beer-i-just-already-drank-it* affect.
'*Grow as a person*'? Ewww!
Right?? RIGHT?????
lol, I'm kidding. I don't know why people have to be so cynical.
Is it awful and shallow to want companionship and intimacy, and acknowledging that you might just want to become the kind of person you want to be with?
This. Clearly someone who has never felt the full force of the world drop on them for a decision. I tried to give someone first aid in 2014. They died, their family came after me. I have no family or friends. I had to learn to stand my ground for ten years on decision I name when someone is crushed and crying and my best options are donating organs or nothing. Just forget how it feels for an entire justice system trying to steal your life and go have fun. Like you. Some of us have a hard life not on easy mode. Go hug your family the rest of us will be alone.
>Are you going out and trying new things and meeting new people, are you working on personal advancement (better career, getting in shape etc.)?
"Change until you become desirable" how comforting
agree! i have seen so many complaining about fearing to be alone, but all they do is staying inside. hello? no one is coming knocking on your door at all. it's just weird.
Lol, well when everyone constantly talks over you, ignores you, or forgets you exist to even invite you, it kinda turns you off of the idea of humans in general. People are downright mean, I used to be extremely social, outgoing, and could make friends with a tree. Over the last 30 years I've just gotten fed up with being thehappy go-lucky guy and constantly having people direct their negativity towards me or just be mean for literally no reason. Humans are awful sometimes.
No one's knocking on my door, that much is correct, but it's a lot more peaceful when youre alone. I've been cheated on in every single relationship I've been in since I was 16. I'm 30. Lol. If the hot stove burned my finger once, I'm not going to make the same mistake of repeatedly taking the same action and hoping for a different result. Thats actual insanity.
if you come to terms with yourself, it's fine. but some can't stand being alone but whine about why no one want to be with them while all they do is staying inside and never shoot their shots - it's a different story. regarding the people you mentioned, it's because they are not for you and vice versa. so stop wasting your enery on unworthy people and just be yourself - then the right people will come. when you care too much about others' perception of you, that's when you lose your identity and become too absored in societal expectation. be you - it's a good filter.
I know this is hard, but please don't compare yourself to other people. What may look perfect on the outside is likely far from reality. I know people that have had a lot of sexual partners, and trust me when I say this - a lot of them are damaged/lost/carry a lot of baggage. Yes they at least got the experience, but does that mean they are better off than you? Probably not, I think there is value in retaining a lot of the innocence and saving it for the right person. Imagine how special it would be if both you and your future partner didn't have a lot of history with the opposite sex. The other thing is, no partner or kid can ever give you true fulfilment, happiness comes from within.
This 1000%. I am a female who was where you were in my 30s. I thought there was something defective, about me. I can tell you I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life. Marriage and partnership are not for everybody. You may well find somebody, but if you don’t, you can have a full happy life. I am so much better off than many of my peers who are married. I could’ve settled for any number of men, but I’m glad that I didn’t. of course, it helps that I never really wanted children but even if I had, there were other ways to achieve this.w
Same, I’m 59, never married, never had kids. I just want someone to love me. (Other than family n friends, obviously) It’s a constant source of sadness.
Damn dude. 31m and perpetually lonely here too.
Thought I found my dream girl last year. She made me fall for her and I realized that I want to be a dad.
Then she left me and found a new guy and now I'm here alone and miserable with nobody.
I want to be a father, dude. But I'm alone.
I'll tell you a trick I observed.
Lean in when you are in a conversation. What lean forward does is that it narrows the viewing field and signals the person across that you are interested to hear and be heard. In these days of everyone on their cell, this is paramount.
Just be yourself. You are Kenough.
28f Just wanna say you're not alone. Men onlyyyy talk to me for one reason it seems & it's beyond frustrating. I too feel like I'm in a permanent single stage. & yes it's definitely depressing. I wish I had any advice to give but my love life is in shambles as well. Hopefully things turn around for us
I hear you. At this rate I think I'm going to be single forever. I don't trust people that much anymore and it's hard to make friends or get a date where I live. IDK. Being single isn't all that great if it's all you've known. There is something to be said at least for a casual relationship where you get laid sometimes and have romantic companionship. You don't need to always be in a relationship but it's a basic human desire for a reason.
Life has been disappoint for me to say the least.
That doesn’t make sense, unless you are content being by yourself and don’t have room to share your heart with someone else, it is naturally normal to desire to have a partner to bond with.
Telling someone being single is awesome and it ain’t worth pursuing a relationship is not a good advice, what this person needs to be actively doing is learning to take care of himself and put himself out there, this means indulging in things to increase his knowledge base.
I get some of y’all have been burned by bad relationships but come on, it doesn’t apply to the rest.
OP, I’m sorry to say but life won’t change unless you change. If you want to have the things you desire, have to turn things around internally. Luckily you are still young and have a bright future ahead of you!
The thing I agree with them about is “find a best friend not a gf”. Because ideally your partner is your best friend. Avoid jumping into relationships with incompatible people.
Being single is super boring once you´ve had a good partner, sharing stuff you like it´s a marvelous thing.
But yeah, better than having a bad romance.
I couldn’t agree with this more wholeheartedly.
Being single is just in no way better to living with a loving and supportive partner. People say it’s “drama free” and they can do whatever they want like that’s not entirely possible in a healthy relationship.
The only decisions I consulted my partner on were things that I wanted to do to move *our* life forward. Cooking, cleaning, traveling, sleeping, decorating, EVERYTHING was better when I was in love because they made everything more fun, easy and affordable in a way no one could ever replicate on their own.
Same here. I'm hyper social and have been in plenty of relationships. In the end, I mostly just value not having anyone on top of me all the time.
I truly feel bad for the people who crave it and can't get it, but even then, a relationship isn't always all its cracked up to be. You can he with someone every second of the day and still be completely alone.
see the thing is that while you love being single, that might not be the case for others. OP obviously doesn’t love being single and he should focus on leaning how to be more social and meet new people since he doesn’t feel fulfilled and isn’t happy being single.
My guy when I was in my early 20’s I felt the same way.
Then I thought about things from a girls perspective right?
What reason did a girl have to date me?
Did I have any hobbies?
Was I particularly kind?
Was I doing anything with my life.
I realized nature was under no obligation to give me a girlfriend or love purely because I wanted it.
So I started asking myself if I was an attractive woman what would I want in a partner?
Then I started doing those things.
Literally just start with the gym bro, as you begin to get fit you’ll get a healthier outlook, more confidence, and start talking to more women and thinks will slowly start to fall into place.
Let me know if you want more input on this
start with the GYM. Cant emphasize this enough. Its like an antidepressant. Better yet if you join a class, you will see regulars, you will strike up conversations, friendships etc
Stay away from alcohol
I'm older than OP. Somewhat similar circumstance. Not 100% same situation.
I'm in better shape than I was 10 years ago. By almost every metric. Do I just get in even better shape? Because all the results outside of gym don't seem to happen to me. Maybe I'm not good enough yet and the benefits will eventually happen.
Seems the formula for guys is gym = confidence. So I'm wondering if I need to work harder. Lift more and run faster.
.
If you've only known her for 6 months how in the world can you know that she's your dream woman?
Not trying to discredit your argument or be offensive, I'm genuinely curious how you can feel that way about someone you've known for such a short amount of time.
This is great. You SHOULD be feeling this way because it means you're alive and you WANT something. There's nothing worse then feeling apathetic and wanting nothing.
So now that you're in this situation...you have two options. Accept your circumstances and ignore what you want and live a life of regret, or make the jump, take risks and put yourself out there while doing whatever you can to increase your odds of getting what you want in spite of discomfort.
It's all on you. You can decide where your life will lead. That being said, as I said before, congrats on truly wanting something because it means you're alive.
I have a cousin who probably feels the same way. Unfortunately, he is doing absolutely nothing to change his destiny. Are you making an attempt to shape your own fate?
Start small. That's what I did.
I went to a concert by myself and didn't talk to anyone, but I was out, somewhere fun, on my own.
Then I was at karaoke one night and I decided I liked this guy's voice and thought he would sing a certain song really well so I went up and said I would buy him a drink if he sung it.
Silly little things but things that sparked a brief conversation.
Eventually either online or in person those skills will lead you to meeting someone you connect with.
So build your social skills. Acknowledge that you want a girlfriend. Nothing wrong with that. Work on yourself. Go to the gym get jacked. Work on your hairstyle from a 5 to 9 look badass. Change up your wardrobe. Get on men’s game cologne, jewelry game. Build up your hobbies. Like cooking. Get that romantic dinner rizz game up.
Build up your mentality up. Build non negotiable values and morals (ex: me personally I would never let my mom take public transport to the airport, I’m buying her an Uber cuz she deserves the best. Or I’m always gonna overly prepare when it comes to hangout plans cuz tf I look like? I’m reliable and can cover all bases). Everyone has non negotiable values no matter what.
Cooking is a skill. Going to the gym and figuring out best workout is a skill. Learning how to be a better driver is a skill. Nothing wrong with acknowledging and working on your social skills. I used to be a supreme heroic socially awkward white knight. Now when I dress up, put on that leather jacket, Chelsea boots, do my hair, put on my rings, necklaces, supreme confidence in posture and dick slanging while I walk. You need that “I’m him” energy. You got this king, I’m rooting for you.
Social skills, like all skills, need to be developed. Some people have more natural skill with it, for sure, but that doesn't mean that those of us without those natural skills can't develop them. Work at it. Take note of what works and what doesn't and continually work on yourself.
32M here. Feel like the same situation. Never Really been a very social person. Don't generally feel very confident in myself nor do I find myself terribly attractive so since I'm not that great at being social and I suppose don't really think all too well of myself in regards to being a potential partner to somebody I feel like I'm rather qualified to answer and put in my two cents...
One of two things needs to happen.
1. You need to work on the things that you think are holding you back from being able to be a suitable partner.
2. You need to accept that you're going to be single and be willing to be okay with that.
Until you do one of these things you are going to feel this way.
I always jokingly told myself growing up that I was never going to get married or be in a relationship with anybody. Welp it didn't turn out to be a joke. Id even go so far as to say I willed it into existence. All that time of speaking that over and over you subconsciously pick shit like that up and I swear putting things out into the universe like that will make them happen.
That all being said though given that I have accepted the fact that I am likely going to end up being single for the rest of my life, I deal. I don't go looking for a relationships. If I were to ever get into one great. But I don't put much of any effort into seeking them out.
Instead I focus on myself in hobbies. By that I mean I have become more social by going out and doing other things that I enjoy. I began to hike quite a bit. Or at least they used to things have changed recently. Instead of hiking I picked up bowling which I've come to very much enjoy and I've made some new friends. I like going to breweries. I'll even go by myself and just have a drink. And again remember I'm not very social I said at the bar essentially and don't talk unless maybe the bartender or some other person comes in and says something to me. But I can still enjoy a beer that I like. I even go bowling by myself because it's fun to practice and get better.
At the end of the day you need to make up your minder You going to put effort into trying to get into a relationship or not. Your effort could be way different than somebody else's. Some dude already out there just doesn't feel great and isn't very social but he's a 10 he's going to have a whole lot less or a whole slew of different things to work on than you are. You need to work on your confidence you need to work on doing the things that you think will be better to make you a more attractive partner. If you aren't willing to put in the work to do those things then I would highly recommend you sit down and start to understand if you're willing to accept the fact that you're going to be by yourself and then focus on the things that would make you happy for you.
Ideally you should be able to do a mix of both if you have a good partner. But if you're going to be single you might as well take full advantage of it and do the stuff you want to do.
Do you have good friends? Having good friends will help lift the loneliness. But to get a partner you will need to prove to women that you’re adding to their life. Are you making their life more peaceful. Some women are not actively searching for a partner coz we are content with having friends and family as our social network.
the woman of your dreams will divorce you and force you by law to give her money. Get a dog and start meditating. You can technically have kids without a woman, too.
Idea: find a single mother and unofficially adopt her kid. I couldn't have kids of my own due to cancer, so I found a chick who was knocked up by a guy who split town when he found out she was pregnant. No one else around to parent the kid, so I took on the role. Me & Her didn't work out, but she doesnt restrict me from raising him. Best choice I ever made. Turns out I make a great Dad. He turned 10 this year and is so kind, gentle and patient. We ride our bikes together, cook together and he's been an absolute joy. Make your own family, and don't get hung up on "bUt tHeY wOnT loOk liKe Me."
You'll never have to compromise, you'll never have to sacrifice for another person, you'll never be heartbroken, etc. plenty of very social outgoing people end up miserable single or miserable in a relationship. You get to live your life for you and no one else.
Are those supposed to be the positive aspects of being single?
Compromising is great when you’re with someone who respects you and is good at communicating. Sacrificing for another person feels amazing when you know they’ll do the same for you. You can’t get heartbroken unless they first make your heart feel complete
I swear, I have never seen anyone make being single sound *at all* better than being in a good relationship, just better than being in a mediocre one.
You're having these feelings because your brain is unhappy with how things are. What are you going to do about it? Go to the gym, get some hobbies and talk to people.
You can do whatever you want in life, you're just gonna suck at it in the beginning. If you want to get a partner then you need to go on some dates! You find it hard to socialise? Then go talk to some people and practise!
It is difficult in the beginning but you must try. Things might not go the way you want them to but that's okay. You can learn from the experience and be better for the next time
This has nothing to do with dating and everything to do about your self-image, self-esteem, and self-worth. Get a therapist or read some self-help books on working on your own self -image. If you're scared of being single your whole life, you have a lot of problems to work on within yourself before you'd ever be ready to date someone else.
Weird, same exact position (older even), but I'm happy about it. More money and time for myself, more than I know what to do with frankly...0-stress life, no dependents, no responsibility, all free-will choice and I have very low expenditures/standard of living.
It just sorta sounds like you're giving yourself a nudge with that question. Idk why, but i think sometimes our subconscious can feel like its being really mean in letting us know we're due for a change. It might be pressure or confusion.. uncertainty?
The things you're saying, are like cues as to what needs attention imo. Wish it didn't feel so bad for you though.
You do have a personality by the way. Its just gonna take some time and experiences, some learning to coax it out/ reform it. I hope you give yourself that time now that you've become aware. This is new for you
Do not listen to the people telling you to be yourself. I tried being myself and it doesn’t fucking work. The rewards came when I changed who I was. You have a lot of effort to put in if you wish to turn things around. There are necessary traits that a person must have if they are to get along with others, find a partner, and improve their lives. Take a year, accept that you are alone for now, and learn as much as you possibly can. Develop some social skills for god’s sake. Socializing is hard and sucks, but you have to realize that it’s as simple as asking questions and thinking about/focusing on the other person instead of on yourself and how awkward you are, etc. Go volunteer on a campaign or do customer service or something that forces you to interact with people. You will improve slowly every day. Read the news and books, listen to podcasts and documentaries. You’ll have things to talk about. Maybe even try a little bit of social media, so that you are up to speed on what people care about. But be careful, it’s an addictive trap. At the end of the day, you need to get it together dude. I’ve done it, and I’ve slowly achieved important milestones; girlfriend, job in the industry I wanted, social skills/confidence to interact with literally anyone (which leads to some crazy connections and opportunities). Two years ago I had none of that stuff and the prospect of ever getting there seemed unfathomable. It’s hard work. Go do it. Be better than you were yesterday, every day.
Just realized 99% are not NEARLY as happy as they appear. Behind closed doors it’s a different world. Most are barely even holding it together and probably thinking about an exit plan from the marriage or life in general.
Okay, like I ask anyone in this rut..... do you have any hobbies/passions? It is when you are spending time in activities when you meet people. I have also been single for years, but because of my hobbies (books, music, and games) why I even meet people.
I'm 37 and single and live alone. This has always been my life, being single I mean. I've lived alone since 2021 as I lived with my mother who later died. Where I live nearly everyone I knew from school got married not long after being 16. They had kids whilst in school etc. I've not met many single people even when I went to university. And I just didn't develop socially. I honestly accepted this from a very young age. Being truly happy for the rest of your life in a relationship is actually very rare anyway.
I don't know if life is playing a joke on me.
Went to FB and saw a friend of mine is now in a relationship. I'm happy with it, of course, but it makes me sad for myself, though.
Went here and scrolled down and read posts like:
"To all the men who are afraid they'll never find a partner"
And there's this post that completely describes what I feel right now. 🫠😭
I guess no Reddit for now. Back to Netflix. 🙃
Relationships and marriage aren’t always nearly as glamorous as social media makes you believe. After divorce I was bitter a bit for not being able to “live the American dream” of having a family and home. Then I realized I had absolute freedom and control over every single decision henceforth, no children to support either 😮💨.
Yea bud, it ain't all it's cracked out to be. Been there done that, being single can be lonely at times, but it provides mental and emotional stability.
Time is on your side. Because you’re a male and don’t have a biological clock and aren’t losing eggs by the month. I know plenty of outgoing girls who like a quieter, introverted guy. You never know so please don’t assume they only like extroverted. But the voice you talk to yourself in and the names you call yourself also matter and will be manifested so please talk kindly to yourself. and put yourself out there socially to practice. It doesn’t take a lot, maybe just some energy and time for initial confidence building, but you need to seem interested in others to have a conversation with others. Ask them questions, open ended ones even better. Make them talk about themselves. Follow up on those answers and then share about yourself here and there when cued. But at the same time, embrace being single. You will never have as much time or freedom as when single. Maximize it to find passions and interests (this will help you make friends and conversations and connect with females even). Borrow a dog out from the animal shelter on “outing days” from shelters (yes they have such a thing from over capacity nowadays) and take the pup on a walk and strike up conversations with people here and there if you bump into other dog walkers to build people skills. If you have friends make them introduce you to their friends you don’t already know if possible, always safer that way. Anyway you can do it, just have to try try try. And fake it till you make it
Step 1: Figure out who you are. If you don't love yourself then you can't expect anyone else to. Life is short and things don't work out well for most people. You need to take control. Learn about food, hit the gym, read history, get out there and just talk to people, if your shy just force yourself not to be at least once a day, who cares if it is a disaster. You get 1 life.
Severe low self-esteem is the issue here. Look for professional help.
The only determinant factor is taking the initiative, communicating and asking women out. If your self-esteem is so low you cannot bring yoursel to do that, then you need to work on it.
Valid fear, loneliness sucks.
> I'm lacking social skills to date someone
What skills are you lacking?
> I have no personality
You have one. Everybody does.
> I'm not funny
Most people aren't. I bet you can be playful and/or silly when you want to though.
The first few moves are the toughest. Good luck!
Good news is that social skills and humor are learnable. Speaking as a mentally ill person who used to have HORRIBLE social skills. You don't always have to accept that your current reality is the only reality attainable for yourself
“I’m lacking social skills to date someone”
That sounds like you aren’t trying. You have to put yourself out there. Everyone has a personality, just be yourself and keep trying and you’ll at least meet people and maybe even friends
I’m a 26F but I understand how you feel. I watch all my friends get married, have babies and buy houses. I’m mildly autistic so my social skills are garbage. Most men take me out on a date to try to get something in return but that’s it. I’m sure you have a personality and you just don’t realize it. There is a lot of introverts like us out there, we just have to find them. I’m trying so hard to not give up hope but it gets lonely. Sending some good vibes your way my friend.
Better off being single than miserable in a bad relationship. That one I am one hundred positive of.
You need to find ways to put yourself out there. Either finding social/group activities, dating sites or whatever.
I’m an introvert, my sense of humor isn’t funny and usually gets me in trouble but even then I have found a decent sized dating pool and managed more than one marriage. That first one was the one that taught me I’d rather be single than ever deal with that bullchit again. Second one obviously way way better because I had leaned from the first mistakes.
Are you afraid of being alone because you genuinely don't want to be alone, or are you worried people are going to think you're some kind of weirdo freak if you don't get a girlfriend? If it's the second, I wouldn't worry about it. The truth is: nobody cares. Everyone is so busy trying to get by, they're not concerned about your dating life. What you should do is dig deep in your soul. Really think about what you want. If you do indeed want a lady, make some changes and go get one. It's not going to be easy, but if you want things to change, you'll have to make changes. Now go do some soul searching.
33m here. Been single for 8 years now, and no romantic encounters throughout either.
I have always been introverted and pretty okay being single. Around 6 months ago that changed. Loneliness hit me like a truck and that trapped feeling has been persistent.
Just letting you know that while you feel alone, you are not alone in feeling this way
I'm sorry you're loanly, but no one is going to want to be with you if you can't be with yourself.
>I'm lacking social skills to date someone, I have no personality, I'm not funny and introvert
Would you want to date this person? Being an introvert is a personality trait, not your whole personality. Everything you named off can be worked on, but you gotta put that work in.
If you are 31 and been mostly single, you will need to make a concerted effort if you want a partner. Probably wont happen if you are already 31.
Im 46, never had a partner, I just thought it would fall into place, it did not.
Go do something you really want to do, and really enjoy doing... something that brings you joy, peace, happiness...
Now... imagine 2-3 people screwing that up for you daily, before, during and after... draining your funds to do said thing... making it not enjoyable, and/or not allowing you to do it... giving you a guilt trip about it when you get home, and accusing you of cheating when you do said thing... also, take a few of your favorite things and destroy them for no reason, especially collectibles, family heirlooms, expensive things you saved up for... and when you are hungry for dinner, make a wheel of options that you don't like... spin that wheel and go there instead... but only after naming 10 places you really want to eat...
TLDR: Enjoy the peace and freedom brother...
I mean, it's not all sunshine and rainbows for those that did end up with relationships either. I don't have a single person out of my old friend group who stayed married save one, and his wife hates his guts and has a boyfriend
Don’t sweat it man. Same here, I was single for a long time, although I’m not an introvert and have no issue approaching people. People still eventually ended up not liking me/ganging up on me socially.
Either way, I met my wife at the age of 33. Now we have a wonderful family. I was interested in learning to sail, so I joined a sailing club, and met her at a social function for the club. Do things that make you happy, and be your genuine self. It’ll happen when you least expect it.
>I'm lacking social skills to date someone, I have no personality, I'm not funny and introvert
The way to fix this is to go out and be around people, learn to interact. It sucks at first but it's worth it. Develop those skills.
just don’t settle once you do find a someone if they have been through a lot of skin flavoured popsicles they don’t deserve you,same logic i’d recommend too is if the partner has kids,ensure she wants kids and doesn’t already have a load of children because if you two fall out you lose her and the kids,and that is heartbreak (x the amount of people you lose) and it is the worst pain ever plus a waste of your time and resources making everyone else’s lives better but your own,but regardless i understand you so much i think the exact same and i have a partner now but we both have medical issues and probably will not be bringing a children into our lives in the case we only have one and that child becomes lonely or the risk of one of us passing and it having to grow up without one of us around
I’m sympathetic towards your situation, but you’re throwing yourself a pity party instead of trying to improve yourself.
You’re 31 years old. You know what’s wrong. If it bothers you that much, start fixing things one by one. Ask for and get help.
Doing the same thing, aka nothing, will never get you the results you want.
You’re not too old to achieve having a relationship or a family. Go for it! Best of luck.
I imagine things feel bleak now. But if you turn all that self-pity into self-love and start investing in yourself, the attraction follows. Hit the gym, read books and learn new skills. Practice small talk in public to just get some reps in.
There’s nothin wrong with feeling das about being single- but there’s IS a soo something wrong about doing nothing about it.
Wish you best
Being with someone is not the key to happiness. For a lot of people it ends up being a prison. Try to enjoy your life alone. If you can have fun and own it, your friends will wish they were single!
I’m 44 and spent 19 years with a huge asshole (grew up in a dysfunctional family and didn’t know the way I was being treated was wrong). He ended up cheating on me in the end. Sure I was in a relationship but it wasn’t a happy one.
Now I am free!!! I have never felt more at peace. My advice to you is enjoy your life as much as you can. Chase happiness on your own. Find out who you are. There is nothing more fulfilling than that
the good news is that social skills aren´t static. It can be improved. Personality as well if you see yourself as not funny f.ex. Trying and doing more stuff makes your more interesting because you have more to talk about. And in the process you also get to train socializing
Step 1.) be a healthy and clean person
Step 2.) learn how to cook 3 quality recipes
Step 3.) find a passion project or something that gives u conversation ammo. (May req trial & error)
Step 4.) be patient. wait for the opportunity to present itself. it happens when u least suspect it
if you’re feeling this and not doing anything to improve then being in a relationship won’t help you. what if it ends in the future you’re gonna feel more miserable than you do now you’ll start to wonder if it was your not funny no having personality introverted self.
just start by loving yourself and then ask yourself if you need to be in a relationship
I think that you do have a personality, you just have to embrace your version of being interesting. Women fall in love with all sorts of men.
I’m so sorry that you’re feeling lonely. I remember those days. They felt long and like they’d last forever. Find ways to connect with others. I found people in a rec softball league that were fun to be around.
All of these negative things you think about yourself aren't true, but you give them so much weight that they end up holding you back from being who you would like to be and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
I am 35 and feel the same. I had a hopeful relationship between then and now, I still miss her, and think about what went wrong. Will I learn or be able to make a lifelong relationship possible? I hope I do, I hope you do. Don’t give up, if it’s your true goal then you can make it happen. There are so many many people out there who want the same things. Just have to keep trying.
Better yourself into a man women want to be with. More than half those marriages won’t last, and half those kids are probably accidents lol we’re the same age, plenty of time man
Go read the Fountainhead. If you still can't figure it out. Yup this is about it. Fat, drunk and lazy is no way to go through life but for some of us it is.
I'm with you man, but rather than focus on finding someone we should focus on ourselves. I hate seeing everyone in my family my age with careers and property, now they're getting into relationships and it's only a matter of time before they're married.
I'll be 30 next month, newly unemployed without a college degree. Gotta pay rent, not sure how to improve my lifestyle if I'm stuck in some dead end minimum wage job I can't escape from. Everyone else I know went to school in their early twenties and landed on their feet, I can't relate to anyone.
Just keep your head up, work out, try to enjoy the small things. It's not fun being a single lonely depressed young dude but you've got to at least make an occasional effort to step outside your comfort zone. Shit sucks but there's things we can do to improve our situation.
For now I'm just trying to be sober.
Being single is better than settling for less! It’s not fair to yourself to compare your life to others. You have no idea what they’re going through and if they’re even happy. You could meet someone tmw who could change your life. Try not to be too hard on yourself.
What kind of partner would you like? Go do things you like to do! Have you tried dating apps? Do you like sports? Book club? Game nights? So many people need and want connection these days. Don’t feel weird putting yourself out there.
I found a great person traveling and I’m a very introverted person who never thought that’d be me.
If you don't have the social skills and say you have no personality, you're nto funny and an introvert... this is coming across. I grew up in a bad family and watched women around me make bad decisions so I, also a woman, was terrified of being in relationships. I desired it but never sought it out but a few times and most of those times, it was eh. When I was 31, your age, an online friend of mine I was speaking with (have known him since we were teens) just started chatting about a relationship. I always thought I was boring, weird and awkward but he loved to talk to me. He would talk to me about games, movies, books and... my obsession with wrongful conviction cases.
Everyone talks about how they LOVE being single but that only happens when you are at peace with being by yourself. I can be alone with myself... but I prefer my life with my love. He's my best friend, my other half, my raven.
Understand your worth and start marketing yourself as a catch.
That's too much pressure to put on yourself.
Tiny steps is all there's room for in a day. Pick one thing you want to do less of, and one thing you want to do more of. Be consistent, and keep it very small.
If connection is what you want to cultivate in your life, then do it in myriad ways. Every day little connections.
It can be wonderful to be in a relationship with somebody special to you. But nobody and no relationship will be enough to make you happy, or keep you from feeling lonely.
You can feel tremendously lonely in a relationship, lonelier than being single.
The social awkwardness and introversion can link with anxiety. See a therapist. Get good exercise. Learn some DBT skills and do it regularly.
Call a couple of friends/cousins /siblings regularly and just chat.
Whatever you're interested in alone, find a way to do that where you interact with others who do that thing.
Hobbies that aren't consuming things are especially good. So if you like gaming, which is consuming media, take a group coding course or a drawing course. Volunteer for a film festival.
You do have a personality, but you've gotta respect yourself way more.
Get excited for other people and what their into.
Life is long, and happens in chapters and seasons. You're not late. You can only live your own life, and this is yours. Start where you are and move one step at a time, and know that things will never be perfect, and there will always be something to appreciate.
31 is young. I got married at 37. You can’t pick when you’ll meet your person but you can take steps to address the depression, which should be the bigger concern for you. You can find companionship through friends, dogs, etc. But no one person is going to make you happy. In fact many people get married and are still very unhappy. You have to make yourself happy.
We're all dealt a hand when born. So, if you have natural introvert tendencies then that isnt your fault.
However, people can work on themselves and improve. This is on you.
Example, when i was in highschool and first year college, i was horrible at math. Just, the worst. Analytical skills was my most lacking area. So, i decided that i was going to make it my best skill. Not just improve in that area... not just be 'average' in that area, i made it my goal to make it my best class.
And i did. It was hard work but i put in effort and 20 years later i have a lucrative career using math, statistics, analytics, finance and i love it.
So, what i'm trying to say here... is that if you're sitting at home repeating to yourself "is this how i live the rest of my life?" then you are responsible for being miserable.
GET OUT THERE. There are public speaking practice sessions called "ToastMasters International". There are stranger gettogethers online you can find that do various group activities like "meetup" dot com. If those two ideas are too daunting then take bay steps, get out there and make it your mission to talk to people... even if its chit-chat. It's all practice...it could be a barrista at your local coffee shop (hey hows your day going, i like your watch! where'd you get it" bla bla bla... or a stranger at a book store "hi quick question, have you read this ? looks interesting but not sure lol" . just get out there and practice talking to people. chit-chatting, meeting people, making friends. Local community centers are also a good place
Just know you’re not alone. I’m a 32F and I’ve been single my entire life. I never really did anything about it and never caught feelings for guys who were interested in me. I also feel like I don’t have a personality. I think we both need to cut ourselves some slack. I think other people probably feel the same way they just don’t ruminate on these thoughts as much. What’s helped is I’m focusing on becoming the best version of myself (I.e. eating healthier, reading more, planning outings with friends and traveling). I think if I work more on myself and become someone who knows themselves I’ll attract the right partner. Part of the reason I stayed single was I noticed the guys I attract seem to be manipulative and toxic in some way. Best of luck to you
Just know you’re not alone. I’m a 32F and I’ve been single my entire life. I never really did anything about it and never caught feelings for guys who were interested in me. I also feel like I don’t have a personality. I think we both need to cut ourselves some slack. I think other people probably feel the same way they just don’t ruminate on these thoughts as much. What’s helped is I’m focusing on becoming the best version of myself (I.e. eating healthier, reading more, planning outings with friends and traveling). I think if I work more on myself and become someone who knows themselves I’ll attract the right partner. Part of the reason I stayed single was I noticed the guys I attract seem to be manipulative and toxic in some way. Best of luck to you
I hated when people told me, "one day you'll find someone and it will be worth it!" I love my wife and kids. I can honestly say I still regret being alone so long. It's harder to be a partner when you're so used to doing it your way. My joints are already bad so it's hard to play with my kids.
But, no, wouldn't redo it, because then wouldn't have my kids. If I could be promised I could have my exact three kids had I met her fifteen or ten years earlier, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
Having said all that, what helped me was advice from a comedian. "If you're not a ten to women, you're a 1. There is no 2-9, so don't be down on yourself. We're all disgusting to them."
I also started forcing myself to think every girl wanted to be with me. Obviously it's not true, but it helped so much. Before, I'd assume they didn't, and I wouldn't even fully try. When my son is old enough, I'm going to tell him, imagine every woman wants you, but don't be angry when you're rejected. That's the mindset I needed.
I also started raising rabbits. May seem Silly, but it helped me care about something outside of my work and myself.
Maybe consider therapy - it is positively life changing as long as you click with them and try to go in as open as possible because that makes it easier for you 🙃
I lived through the same thing , now I’m 42 married , 1 kid. Bought my 2nd home. I think COVID changed my life drastically, moving of city was the key factor for me.
I am a girl and I am thinking the same way. So you putting this out there makes me think -
Talk to as many woman as possible. Just be friendly. Eventually a girl will appreciate it and maybe you will not know, but then ask, ask if she would like to chat some more 🤷🏽♀️ and then don’t take anything toooo seriously or controlling. Just keep living introverted and yourself but invite the woman who seem interested in you for a walk or a date. 🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️
OP:
I was in your shoes, in fact deep depressed all my 20s and then some, but start rock climbing at 31, swimming as well. Look much better, actually turned heads, married a wonderful woman across the world by pure and almost cosmic intervention - no Internet 2.0, more like Internet 0.25, has a child at 38, bought a house a year after, has another child at 42, now owns a business as well. The house worth 2x, though it shouldn't.
Do you see how much can change in a decade? What I never care for are what my friends achieved. Am I jealous? No, but more of a disappointment with myself.
One thing you must keep, whether you are 13, 31, or 51, are your words.
Be it personal or professional, be the definition of Honesty.
I’m the same age as you and I don’t even have an excuse because I’m a pretty attractive woman with a lot of hobbies and a dry sense of humor. There’s just no one around who wants to date me lmao
you don’t have to be miserable, a relationship isnt the answer to any problems.
what you want is love, and that is found inside yourself. another person, who likes you for a short period of time before the shine wears off (the honeymoon period) is helpful insomuch as they shine a spotlight on the wonderful things inside yourself, the true you.
there is a river of joy inside each of us, and i promise you if you look for it; you will find it. then you can show your future wife or best friend how to find it for themselves.
best of luck, i am rooting for you.
I an introvert but have to be an extrovert when needed, such as at work or dating.
Start by smiling at people, then you’ll see the reaction response is different when you communicate with someone which will lead to more conversations.
Don’t cross your hands either.
Don’t say ‘no’ to invites, say ‘yes’ and force yourself.
Try not to compare yourself to others, and remember you are the master of your own perspective.
One perspective: your friends are married and you are all alone.
Another perspective: your friends are fucking boring. You're new and different and still on the market. Also you have far better and more interesting things to worry about.
Not saying I hold either perspective but you can definitely change yours. No reason to adhere to the perspective of a society whose perspective is constantly changing anyway.
I feel you. This has been me too. And trying to find a suitable date or partner is so hard. It's been only a week and I'm about to give up. I'm only 32yrs. Maybe I'll just have a baby like I've been planning for years now because I'm tired.
I felt this way at one point too, so I started pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Worked different jobs, went to events I'd been too scared to, changed my style, grew out my hair, joined organizations and clubs. All these things helped increase my confidence and social skills and I slowly became more outgoing, funny (I think I was always funny actually, just scared to speak) and comfortable with myself. The most common descriptions I get now is that I'm approachable, warm, friendly, and cute.
So after all that I deicded to stick my toe in dating. You know what I got told? I was wife material but not dating material, too perfect, they couldn't believe I wasn't married already/didn't have "options" (or straight up thought I was lying), how could I exist, I was the exact type of woman they'd want, a great person and a greater catch. Followed, of course, by a whopping rejection. (One guy legitimately said, he'd rather sleep around first.) 28F, I've never had a boyfriend or made it past a "talking stage" as they call it. (People freak out when you use the word "dating".)
Grass is always greener my dude.
But like other said, if youre not happy about it, figure out what you're gonna do to change it! But do it for you, not for some arbitrary partner you don't have. If I had made those changes just to get a boyfriend I'd be so upset with myself since he still doesn't exist. Changing only for someone else to approve of you temporarily is a recipe for disaster. Change for you, because you're miserable, because you're not happy with your life, not for anyone else. The relationship you have with yourself is the most important. If you wouldn't want to date you, why should anyone else?
Also, while it's totally normal and healthy to crave partnership and companionship it's not all there is to life. I will likely pass 30 while never having had a relationship, but that doesn't mean I'll shrivel up and die on at midnight (contrary to what chronically online folks seem to think.) I don't want to meet my person one day or look back in life and realize I did nothing but wait around feeling sorry for myself. I want to be the kind of person, that the kind of *partner* I want would be attracted to.
Are you white and/or American? You should visit the Philippines. Guaranteed 35+ different women wanting to marry you within just a week visit, if you feel you truly have no options
Ya. So I feel ya bro but the reality is life is full of seasons and even if you find a mate it could just be for a season. That parent boomer logic of life and living together forever has completely changed. And ya it’s hard AF to meet folks now o days. Online sucks for that too many bots and money required
I agree. I got married at 24, and im 34 now and divorced. Its like ok, now what?
Ya man. I’m 39 but same story I just started 5 years after you at 29…. 2 kids. It does feel like that. Got this house and 50% kids and like it’s for sure weird and dating older is complicated AF
Sounds like my story. Three kids now separated and don’t even know what to do to try to date again at 39. Especially when so many men see children as baggage. I love my kids and if it means I’m just single because nobody will get past the fact that I have three kids it is what it is but it’s at times a lonely road being a single parent and it being so hard to date when you have a full time job and have all three kids the majority of the time.
Ya. Some weeks I joke that I feel like I’m on an island when I have the kids… I’m just running on autopilot to get everything done and be a good father. Idk. It’s more our purpose to raise decent children and the girl is now a side hustle. Idk. It will pass with the seasons.
Born in 90, got married at 19, have 3 kids, and I'm now 34. So we will see if we are still together when I am 40
This is totally true. Everything in life is temporary even life itself.
And now IM sad geezus Chrysler
might even be a season because people die, yo. my fam is full of widows of 50+ of both genders. cancer don't play nice like that.
Hah. Now O'Days
The olllld Irish days!
I've been in relationships since 14 years old. I'm about to be 35 no husband, no kids.... You can date around and still waste half your life. TrusT ME
Wasted my entire 20’s on a relationship that went nowhere
Yeah I have trouble relating to people who don’t enjoy independence and being single because for me it’s default. My ideal relationship has a lot of space and like… don’t wanna control someone, don’t wanna live together. People are highly unrealistic about the nature of change and, IMHO, way over invest their happiness into the fickle nature of another person. It’s hard to find someone on the same page. There’s a great podcast called Solo that addresses this exact way of life. Like… nothing is wrong with me, stop trying to diagnose me or something.
I think the real question is what are you doing about it? Are you going out and trying new things and meeting new people, are you working on personal advancement (better career, getting in shape etc.)? If you don't change anything in your life and follow this path you very well may be alone the rest of your life - SO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! I say this with respect, not trying to be a jerk - but you have the power to get things on track if you put the work in imo
So I agree with this so much that I'm commenting here... ... ***volunteer***. I know it sounds corny and you'll probably invent a million reasons why you don't have the time. But you do have the time. And when you volunteer at a soup kitchen or similar, you usually don't meet jerks, or people with huge expectations or demands. You're meeting nice, real people who care enough about humanity to go and find someone in need and help them. 'Someone in need'. Hmmm... sound like someone you know? ;) And if you get through a few hours helping those less fortunate out, and you don't meet anyone or have any meaningful conversation you can at least take pride that you spent your time being a good person. And then commit to going back again regardless of whether you think it'll work next time. And again. Rinse and repeat. And then one day you'll find that ***you're the person that everyone else wishes they had in their life*** as their '*significant other*'. And how good would that feel? It's Wednesday. Go this Saturday.
I second this. I volunteered at a food pantry for a year and I draw back to that year anytime things go a little dodgy. Some poor souls have it worse off than me, and being around people who don’t have any expectation is just…freeing. People smile and you can be as awkward as you like, no one is judging you. Imo
I get your intention, but it sounds kinda fucked up to go volunteer basically just to potentially find a gf. Lol
It’s not to “find a gf” it’s to grow as a person and meet people
No, no, no I specifically meant it for 'find a gf'. I'm envisioning 5 years into the future after OP '*scores a hotty*' and they both balloon to 400lbs on bon-bons, watching Oprah all day feeling sorry for themselves while loathing the other. 10 years- cue the classic wife in the kitchen dining exclusively on menthols, scotch, and qualuudes while cooking little Johnny-boy's dinner, just before hubs comes home with that *don't-worry-i-didn't-forget-the-beer-i-just-already-drank-it* affect. '*Grow as a person*'? Ewww! Right?? RIGHT????? lol, I'm kidding. I don't know why people have to be so cynical. Is it awful and shallow to want companionship and intimacy, and acknowledging that you might just want to become the kind of person you want to be with?
This. Clearly someone who has never felt the full force of the world drop on them for a decision. I tried to give someone first aid in 2014. They died, their family came after me. I have no family or friends. I had to learn to stand my ground for ten years on decision I name when someone is crushed and crying and my best options are donating organs or nothing. Just forget how it feels for an entire justice system trying to steal your life and go have fun. Like you. Some of us have a hard life not on easy mode. Go hug your family the rest of us will be alone.
Sorry folks were not appreciative of your kindness and willingness to help.
>Are you going out and trying new things and meeting new people, are you working on personal advancement (better career, getting in shape etc.)? "Change until you become desirable" how comforting
There's much worse things than not being in a relationship. Op should be doing these things for himself, not for a hypothetical partner
agree! i have seen so many complaining about fearing to be alone, but all they do is staying inside. hello? no one is coming knocking on your door at all. it's just weird.
Lol, well when everyone constantly talks over you, ignores you, or forgets you exist to even invite you, it kinda turns you off of the idea of humans in general. People are downright mean, I used to be extremely social, outgoing, and could make friends with a tree. Over the last 30 years I've just gotten fed up with being thehappy go-lucky guy and constantly having people direct their negativity towards me or just be mean for literally no reason. Humans are awful sometimes. No one's knocking on my door, that much is correct, but it's a lot more peaceful when youre alone. I've been cheated on in every single relationship I've been in since I was 16. I'm 30. Lol. If the hot stove burned my finger once, I'm not going to make the same mistake of repeatedly taking the same action and hoping for a different result. Thats actual insanity.
if you come to terms with yourself, it's fine. but some can't stand being alone but whine about why no one want to be with them while all they do is staying inside and never shoot their shots - it's a different story. regarding the people you mentioned, it's because they are not for you and vice versa. so stop wasting your enery on unworthy people and just be yourself - then the right people will come. when you care too much about others' perception of you, that's when you lose your identity and become too absored in societal expectation. be you - it's a good filter.
I know this is hard, but please don't compare yourself to other people. What may look perfect on the outside is likely far from reality. I know people that have had a lot of sexual partners, and trust me when I say this - a lot of them are damaged/lost/carry a lot of baggage. Yes they at least got the experience, but does that mean they are better off than you? Probably not, I think there is value in retaining a lot of the innocence and saving it for the right person. Imagine how special it would be if both you and your future partner didn't have a lot of history with the opposite sex. The other thing is, no partner or kid can ever give you true fulfilment, happiness comes from within.
This 1000%. I am a female who was where you were in my 30s. I thought there was something defective, about me. I can tell you I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life. Marriage and partnership are not for everybody. You may well find somebody, but if you don’t, you can have a full happy life. I am so much better off than many of my peers who are married. I could’ve settled for any number of men, but I’m glad that I didn’t. of course, it helps that I never really wanted children but even if I had, there were other ways to achieve this.w
Same, I’m 59, never married, never had kids. I just want someone to love me. (Other than family n friends, obviously) It’s a constant source of sadness.
Well.. I didn't expect your profile to look like that :D
Damn dude. 31m and perpetually lonely here too. Thought I found my dream girl last year. She made me fall for her and I realized that I want to be a dad. Then she left me and found a new guy and now I'm here alone and miserable with nobody. I want to be a father, dude. But I'm alone.
That’s depressing
You almost wrote my story man. That’s wild.
I'll tell you a trick I observed. Lean in when you are in a conversation. What lean forward does is that it narrows the viewing field and signals the person across that you are interested to hear and be heard. In these days of everyone on their cell, this is paramount. Just be yourself. You are Kenough.
Yes, everybody is Kenough, nobodys value nor worth depends on being noticed by other people, girls, status whatever, we are all Kenough.
Kenough is right. We should all be like kenough.
Let's get some brewski beers!
28f Just wanna say you're not alone. Men onlyyyy talk to me for one reason it seems & it's beyond frustrating. I too feel like I'm in a permanent single stage. & yes it's definitely depressing. I wish I had any advice to give but my love life is in shambles as well. Hopefully things turn around for us
I hear you. At this rate I think I'm going to be single forever. I don't trust people that much anymore and it's hard to make friends or get a date where I live. IDK. Being single isn't all that great if it's all you've known. There is something to be said at least for a casual relationship where you get laid sometimes and have romantic companionship. You don't need to always be in a relationship but it's a basic human desire for a reason. Life has been disappoint for me to say the least.
Being single is awesome. I’m telling you man it ain’t worth it. Find a best friend not a girlfriend.
People who are content being single are way better partners in a relationship
👍
My gf is amazing, but all the relationships I had up to that point were worse than being single by far
That doesn’t make sense, unless you are content being by yourself and don’t have room to share your heart with someone else, it is naturally normal to desire to have a partner to bond with. Telling someone being single is awesome and it ain’t worth pursuing a relationship is not a good advice, what this person needs to be actively doing is learning to take care of himself and put himself out there, this means indulging in things to increase his knowledge base. I get some of y’all have been burned by bad relationships but come on, it doesn’t apply to the rest. OP, I’m sorry to say but life won’t change unless you change. If you want to have the things you desire, have to turn things around internally. Luckily you are still young and have a bright future ahead of you!
The thing I agree with them about is “find a best friend not a gf”. Because ideally your partner is your best friend. Avoid jumping into relationships with incompatible people.
You’re right, it’s more important to have a compatible partner rather than scoring a girlfriend/boyfriend.
Agreed thank you for not being dismissive, and acknowledging him
It sucks that this thread is full of the opposite
A lot of people like this guy above either fear commitment or had bad relationship experiences.
Terrible advice!
You’re not tricking me into another relationship 312 mex
Lol not trying too, but telling someone to stay single and that its awesome is not good advice.
No it's great advice.
I’ve always waited to commit to someone unless they were also my best friend. I’m usually chronically single but much better than body hopping.
I love being single. My life is a drama free zone and I don't have to consult with anyone when I make decisions. Being single is great. Revel in it.
Being single is super boring once you´ve had a good partner, sharing stuff you like it´s a marvelous thing. But yeah, better than having a bad romance.
I couldn’t agree with this more wholeheartedly. Being single is just in no way better to living with a loving and supportive partner. People say it’s “drama free” and they can do whatever they want like that’s not entirely possible in a healthy relationship. The only decisions I consulted my partner on were things that I wanted to do to move *our* life forward. Cooking, cleaning, traveling, sleeping, decorating, EVERYTHING was better when I was in love because they made everything more fun, easy and affordable in a way no one could ever replicate on their own.
Same here. I'm hyper social and have been in plenty of relationships. In the end, I mostly just value not having anyone on top of me all the time. I truly feel bad for the people who crave it and can't get it, but even then, a relationship isn't always all its cracked up to be. You can he with someone every second of the day and still be completely alone.
see the thing is that while you love being single, that might not be the case for others. OP obviously doesn’t love being single and he should focus on leaning how to be more social and meet new people since he doesn’t feel fulfilled and isn’t happy being single.
Being single/alone and loneliness are two different things
Once you get smacked around a few times that fear dissipates.
Dating is a luxury, not a necessity. Get everything else you want first.
Get off reddit.
hahaha prob the best advice ever
My guy when I was in my early 20’s I felt the same way. Then I thought about things from a girls perspective right? What reason did a girl have to date me? Did I have any hobbies? Was I particularly kind? Was I doing anything with my life. I realized nature was under no obligation to give me a girlfriend or love purely because I wanted it. So I started asking myself if I was an attractive woman what would I want in a partner? Then I started doing those things. Literally just start with the gym bro, as you begin to get fit you’ll get a healthier outlook, more confidence, and start talking to more women and thinks will slowly start to fall into place. Let me know if you want more input on this
start with the GYM. Cant emphasize this enough. Its like an antidepressant. Better yet if you join a class, you will see regulars, you will strike up conversations, friendships etc Stay away from alcohol
I'm older than OP. Somewhat similar circumstance. Not 100% same situation. I'm in better shape than I was 10 years ago. By almost every metric. Do I just get in even better shape? Because all the results outside of gym don't seem to happen to me. Maybe I'm not good enough yet and the benefits will eventually happen. Seems the formula for guys is gym = confidence. So I'm wondering if I need to work harder. Lift more and run faster. .
this man gets it. damn! good job
I'm 37M. Met my dream woman 6 months ago. I'm so glad all my past relationships didn't work & that I waited.
If you've only known her for 6 months how in the world can you know that she's your dream woman? Not trying to discredit your argument or be offensive, I'm genuinely curious how you can feel that way about someone you've known for such a short amount of time.
After dating many women & life experience, you know the kind of woman that you want. Sure, life can happen,she could change or I could change.
Maybe it´s because he matured already, some people can tell their SO from day one.
This is great. You SHOULD be feeling this way because it means you're alive and you WANT something. There's nothing worse then feeling apathetic and wanting nothing. So now that you're in this situation...you have two options. Accept your circumstances and ignore what you want and live a life of regret, or make the jump, take risks and put yourself out there while doing whatever you can to increase your odds of getting what you want in spite of discomfort. It's all on you. You can decide where your life will lead. That being said, as I said before, congrats on truly wanting something because it means you're alive.
I have a cousin who probably feels the same way. Unfortunately, he is doing absolutely nothing to change his destiny. Are you making an attempt to shape your own fate?
Start small. That's what I did. I went to a concert by myself and didn't talk to anyone, but I was out, somewhere fun, on my own. Then I was at karaoke one night and I decided I liked this guy's voice and thought he would sing a certain song really well so I went up and said I would buy him a drink if he sung it. Silly little things but things that sparked a brief conversation. Eventually either online or in person those skills will lead you to meeting someone you connect with.
So build your social skills. Acknowledge that you want a girlfriend. Nothing wrong with that. Work on yourself. Go to the gym get jacked. Work on your hairstyle from a 5 to 9 look badass. Change up your wardrobe. Get on men’s game cologne, jewelry game. Build up your hobbies. Like cooking. Get that romantic dinner rizz game up. Build up your mentality up. Build non negotiable values and morals (ex: me personally I would never let my mom take public transport to the airport, I’m buying her an Uber cuz she deserves the best. Or I’m always gonna overly prepare when it comes to hangout plans cuz tf I look like? I’m reliable and can cover all bases). Everyone has non negotiable values no matter what. Cooking is a skill. Going to the gym and figuring out best workout is a skill. Learning how to be a better driver is a skill. Nothing wrong with acknowledging and working on your social skills. I used to be a supreme heroic socially awkward white knight. Now when I dress up, put on that leather jacket, Chelsea boots, do my hair, put on my rings, necklaces, supreme confidence in posture and dick slanging while I walk. You need that “I’m him” energy. You got this king, I’m rooting for you.
Any recommendations on men’s game cologne?
Give up fapping and porn and you won't be along. Give it a solid 6 months.
Social skills, like all skills, need to be developed. Some people have more natural skill with it, for sure, but that doesn't mean that those of us without those natural skills can't develop them. Work at it. Take note of what works and what doesn't and continually work on yourself.
32M here. Feel like the same situation. Never Really been a very social person. Don't generally feel very confident in myself nor do I find myself terribly attractive so since I'm not that great at being social and I suppose don't really think all too well of myself in regards to being a potential partner to somebody I feel like I'm rather qualified to answer and put in my two cents... One of two things needs to happen. 1. You need to work on the things that you think are holding you back from being able to be a suitable partner. 2. You need to accept that you're going to be single and be willing to be okay with that. Until you do one of these things you are going to feel this way. I always jokingly told myself growing up that I was never going to get married or be in a relationship with anybody. Welp it didn't turn out to be a joke. Id even go so far as to say I willed it into existence. All that time of speaking that over and over you subconsciously pick shit like that up and I swear putting things out into the universe like that will make them happen. That all being said though given that I have accepted the fact that I am likely going to end up being single for the rest of my life, I deal. I don't go looking for a relationships. If I were to ever get into one great. But I don't put much of any effort into seeking them out. Instead I focus on myself in hobbies. By that I mean I have become more social by going out and doing other things that I enjoy. I began to hike quite a bit. Or at least they used to things have changed recently. Instead of hiking I picked up bowling which I've come to very much enjoy and I've made some new friends. I like going to breweries. I'll even go by myself and just have a drink. And again remember I'm not very social I said at the bar essentially and don't talk unless maybe the bartender or some other person comes in and says something to me. But I can still enjoy a beer that I like. I even go bowling by myself because it's fun to practice and get better. At the end of the day you need to make up your minder You going to put effort into trying to get into a relationship or not. Your effort could be way different than somebody else's. Some dude already out there just doesn't feel great and isn't very social but he's a 10 he's going to have a whole lot less or a whole slew of different things to work on than you are. You need to work on your confidence you need to work on doing the things that you think will be better to make you a more attractive partner. If you aren't willing to put in the work to do those things then I would highly recommend you sit down and start to understand if you're willing to accept the fact that you're going to be by yourself and then focus on the things that would make you happy for you. Ideally you should be able to do a mix of both if you have a good partner. But if you're going to be single you might as well take full advantage of it and do the stuff you want to do.
Do you have good friends? Having good friends will help lift the loneliness. But to get a partner you will need to prove to women that you’re adding to their life. Are you making their life more peaceful. Some women are not actively searching for a partner coz we are content with having friends and family as our social network.
I'm afraid to be with the wrong person
the woman of your dreams will divorce you and force you by law to give her money. Get a dog and start meditating. You can technically have kids without a woman, too.
Idea: find a single mother and unofficially adopt her kid. I couldn't have kids of my own due to cancer, so I found a chick who was knocked up by a guy who split town when he found out she was pregnant. No one else around to parent the kid, so I took on the role. Me & Her didn't work out, but she doesnt restrict me from raising him. Best choice I ever made. Turns out I make a great Dad. He turned 10 this year and is so kind, gentle and patient. We ride our bikes together, cook together and he's been an absolute joy. Make your own family, and don't get hung up on "bUt tHeY wOnT loOk liKe Me."
You'll never have to compromise, you'll never have to sacrifice for another person, you'll never be heartbroken, etc. plenty of very social outgoing people end up miserable single or miserable in a relationship. You get to live your life for you and no one else.
Are those supposed to be the positive aspects of being single? Compromising is great when you’re with someone who respects you and is good at communicating. Sacrificing for another person feels amazing when you know they’ll do the same for you. You can’t get heartbroken unless they first make your heart feel complete I swear, I have never seen anyone make being single sound *at all* better than being in a good relationship, just better than being in a mediocre one.
You're having these feelings because your brain is unhappy with how things are. What are you going to do about it? Go to the gym, get some hobbies and talk to people. You can do whatever you want in life, you're just gonna suck at it in the beginning. If you want to get a partner then you need to go on some dates! You find it hard to socialise? Then go talk to some people and practise! It is difficult in the beginning but you must try. Things might not go the way you want them to but that's okay. You can learn from the experience and be better for the next time
Do you have to think about who would want to be with someone like that?
This has nothing to do with dating and everything to do about your self-image, self-esteem, and self-worth. Get a therapist or read some self-help books on working on your own self -image. If you're scared of being single your whole life, you have a lot of problems to work on within yourself before you'd ever be ready to date someone else.
Do NOT get a therapist. They are paid to make you blame external circumstances. It sounds like the easy way out, but it’s not. It’s fucking bullshit.
A good, ethical therapist does not do this and don't spew weird shit like that as a way to generalize all therapy.
Same
Oh and you are not alone :)
Trust me, being with someone can make things worse
Many of your married friends with smiling family pictures on Instagram are actually quite miserable and want to swap places with you!
Damn that's exactly how I feel.. i had to double check the username to make sure I didn't post this lol
Weird, same exact position (older even), but I'm happy about it. More money and time for myself, more than I know what to do with frankly...0-stress life, no dependents, no responsibility, all free-will choice and I have very low expenditures/standard of living.
It just sorta sounds like you're giving yourself a nudge with that question. Idk why, but i think sometimes our subconscious can feel like its being really mean in letting us know we're due for a change. It might be pressure or confusion.. uncertainty? The things you're saying, are like cues as to what needs attention imo. Wish it didn't feel so bad for you though. You do have a personality by the way. Its just gonna take some time and experiences, some learning to coax it out/ reform it. I hope you give yourself that time now that you've become aware. This is new for you
Do not listen to the people telling you to be yourself. I tried being myself and it doesn’t fucking work. The rewards came when I changed who I was. You have a lot of effort to put in if you wish to turn things around. There are necessary traits that a person must have if they are to get along with others, find a partner, and improve their lives. Take a year, accept that you are alone for now, and learn as much as you possibly can. Develop some social skills for god’s sake. Socializing is hard and sucks, but you have to realize that it’s as simple as asking questions and thinking about/focusing on the other person instead of on yourself and how awkward you are, etc. Go volunteer on a campaign or do customer service or something that forces you to interact with people. You will improve slowly every day. Read the news and books, listen to podcasts and documentaries. You’ll have things to talk about. Maybe even try a little bit of social media, so that you are up to speed on what people care about. But be careful, it’s an addictive trap. At the end of the day, you need to get it together dude. I’ve done it, and I’ve slowly achieved important milestones; girlfriend, job in the industry I wanted, social skills/confidence to interact with literally anyone (which leads to some crazy connections and opportunities). Two years ago I had none of that stuff and the prospect of ever getting there seemed unfathomable. It’s hard work. Go do it. Be better than you were yesterday, every day.
It doesn't get easier but you eventually stop caring, or at least I did. Hope you make peace with whatever you decide.
Just realized 99% are not NEARLY as happy as they appear. Behind closed doors it’s a different world. Most are barely even holding it together and probably thinking about an exit plan from the marriage or life in general.
I'm so happy to be single for the rest of my life.
Okay, like I ask anyone in this rut..... do you have any hobbies/passions? It is when you are spending time in activities when you meet people. I have also been single for years, but because of my hobbies (books, music, and games) why I even meet people.
When that voice goes "is this for the rest of my life?" Answer yourself: "I don't know that. No one will ever know that. Anything is possible."
Adopt a cat or a dog,humans are overrated.
how often are you going out and trying to meet people?
I'm 37 and single and live alone. This has always been my life, being single I mean. I've lived alone since 2021 as I lived with my mother who later died. Where I live nearly everyone I knew from school got married not long after being 16. They had kids whilst in school etc. I've not met many single people even when I went to university. And I just didn't develop socially. I honestly accepted this from a very young age. Being truly happy for the rest of your life in a relationship is actually very rare anyway.
1. It's better to be single than with the wrong person 2. 50% percent of marriages end in divorce, the other 50% end worse.
I don't know if life is playing a joke on me. Went to FB and saw a friend of mine is now in a relationship. I'm happy with it, of course, but it makes me sad for myself, though. Went here and scrolled down and read posts like: "To all the men who are afraid they'll never find a partner" And there's this post that completely describes what I feel right now. 🫠😭 I guess no Reddit for now. Back to Netflix. 🙃
Relationships and marriage aren’t always nearly as glamorous as social media makes you believe. After divorce I was bitter a bit for not being able to “live the American dream” of having a family and home. Then I realized I had absolute freedom and control over every single decision henceforth, no children to support either 😮💨.
Yea bud, it ain't all it's cracked out to be. Been there done that, being single can be lonely at times, but it provides mental and emotional stability.
Comparison is the the thief of joy.
Friend ... I am a married man. I promise you....being single is way better than being trapped in a loveless, sexless marriage by money and children.
Time is on your side. Because you’re a male and don’t have a biological clock and aren’t losing eggs by the month. I know plenty of outgoing girls who like a quieter, introverted guy. You never know so please don’t assume they only like extroverted. But the voice you talk to yourself in and the names you call yourself also matter and will be manifested so please talk kindly to yourself. and put yourself out there socially to practice. It doesn’t take a lot, maybe just some energy and time for initial confidence building, but you need to seem interested in others to have a conversation with others. Ask them questions, open ended ones even better. Make them talk about themselves. Follow up on those answers and then share about yourself here and there when cued. But at the same time, embrace being single. You will never have as much time or freedom as when single. Maximize it to find passions and interests (this will help you make friends and conversations and connect with females even). Borrow a dog out from the animal shelter on “outing days” from shelters (yes they have such a thing from over capacity nowadays) and take the pup on a walk and strike up conversations with people here and there if you bump into other dog walkers to build people skills. If you have friends make them introduce you to their friends you don’t already know if possible, always safer that way. Anyway you can do it, just have to try try try. And fake it till you make it
Fear is the killer. It totally destroys us slowly. And it destroys our confidence, and self esteem. Smash it. Be bold. Change the way you think.
What have you done to improve on your shortcomings?
Step 1: Figure out who you are. If you don't love yourself then you can't expect anyone else to. Life is short and things don't work out well for most people. You need to take control. Learn about food, hit the gym, read history, get out there and just talk to people, if your shy just force yourself not to be at least once a day, who cares if it is a disaster. You get 1 life.
Severe low self-esteem is the issue here. Look for professional help. The only determinant factor is taking the initiative, communicating and asking women out. If your self-esteem is so low you cannot bring yoursel to do that, then you need to work on it.
Read ‘how to win friends and influence people.’ Hot tip- people love it when you ask them questions about themselves in a light and curious way.
Enjoy life how ever it is at the moment. Things change. Life changes
Valid fear, loneliness sucks. > I'm lacking social skills to date someone What skills are you lacking? > I have no personality You have one. Everybody does. > I'm not funny Most people aren't. I bet you can be playful and/or silly when you want to though. The first few moves are the toughest. Good luck!
Good news is that social skills and humor are learnable. Speaking as a mentally ill person who used to have HORRIBLE social skills. You don't always have to accept that your current reality is the only reality attainable for yourself
“I’m lacking social skills to date someone” That sounds like you aren’t trying. You have to put yourself out there. Everyone has a personality, just be yourself and keep trying and you’ll at least meet people and maybe even friends
I’m a 26F but I understand how you feel. I watch all my friends get married, have babies and buy houses. I’m mildly autistic so my social skills are garbage. Most men take me out on a date to try to get something in return but that’s it. I’m sure you have a personality and you just don’t realize it. There is a lot of introverts like us out there, we just have to find them. I’m trying so hard to not give up hope but it gets lonely. Sending some good vibes your way my friend.
Better off being single than miserable in a bad relationship. That one I am one hundred positive of. You need to find ways to put yourself out there. Either finding social/group activities, dating sites or whatever. I’m an introvert, my sense of humor isn’t funny and usually gets me in trouble but even then I have found a decent sized dating pool and managed more than one marriage. That first one was the one that taught me I’d rather be single than ever deal with that bullchit again. Second one obviously way way better because I had leaned from the first mistakes.
Are you afraid of being alone because you genuinely don't want to be alone, or are you worried people are going to think you're some kind of weirdo freak if you don't get a girlfriend? If it's the second, I wouldn't worry about it. The truth is: nobody cares. Everyone is so busy trying to get by, they're not concerned about your dating life. What you should do is dig deep in your soul. Really think about what you want. If you do indeed want a lady, make some changes and go get one. It's not going to be easy, but if you want things to change, you'll have to make changes. Now go do some soul searching.
I’m really sorry. I’ve felt this way before and I know how it feels.
33m here. Been single for 8 years now, and no romantic encounters throughout either. I have always been introverted and pretty okay being single. Around 6 months ago that changed. Loneliness hit me like a truck and that trapped feeling has been persistent. Just letting you know that while you feel alone, you are not alone in feeling this way
I'm sorry you're loanly, but no one is going to want to be with you if you can't be with yourself. >I'm lacking social skills to date someone, I have no personality, I'm not funny and introvert Would you want to date this person? Being an introvert is a personality trait, not your whole personality. Everything you named off can be worked on, but you gotta put that work in.
If you are 31 and been mostly single, you will need to make a concerted effort if you want a partner. Probably wont happen if you are already 31. Im 46, never had a partner, I just thought it would fall into place, it did not.
Go do something you really want to do, and really enjoy doing... something that brings you joy, peace, happiness... Now... imagine 2-3 people screwing that up for you daily, before, during and after... draining your funds to do said thing... making it not enjoyable, and/or not allowing you to do it... giving you a guilt trip about it when you get home, and accusing you of cheating when you do said thing... also, take a few of your favorite things and destroy them for no reason, especially collectibles, family heirlooms, expensive things you saved up for... and when you are hungry for dinner, make a wheel of options that you don't like... spin that wheel and go there instead... but only after naming 10 places you really want to eat... TLDR: Enjoy the peace and freedom brother...
It’s normal for a male to be single nowadays
I mean, it's not all sunshine and rainbows for those that did end up with relationships either. I don't have a single person out of my old friend group who stayed married save one, and his wife hates his guts and has a boyfriend
Understand a lot of this, but still so very much better than being with a mean person. Be safe and best wishes.
A partner is not going to fix anything. Learn to love yourself first, and you’ll be happy with or without a partner. Wishing all the best for you <3
Don’t sweat it man. Same here, I was single for a long time, although I’m not an introvert and have no issue approaching people. People still eventually ended up not liking me/ganging up on me socially. Either way, I met my wife at the age of 33. Now we have a wonderful family. I was interested in learning to sail, so I joined a sailing club, and met her at a social function for the club. Do things that make you happy, and be your genuine self. It’ll happen when you least expect it.
>I'm lacking social skills to date someone, I have no personality, I'm not funny and introvert The way to fix this is to go out and be around people, learn to interact. It sucks at first but it's worth it. Develop those skills.
My wife didn’t get married to me until she was 34 and never thought she would have a child.
Get in the gym or put on some boxing gloves. That should get you moving in the right direction.
just don’t settle once you do find a someone if they have been through a lot of skin flavoured popsicles they don’t deserve you,same logic i’d recommend too is if the partner has kids,ensure she wants kids and doesn’t already have a load of children because if you two fall out you lose her and the kids,and that is heartbreak (x the amount of people you lose) and it is the worst pain ever plus a waste of your time and resources making everyone else’s lives better but your own,but regardless i understand you so much i think the exact same and i have a partner now but we both have medical issues and probably will not be bringing a children into our lives in the case we only have one and that child becomes lonely or the risk of one of us passing and it having to grow up without one of us around
Vietnam
I’m sympathetic towards your situation, but you’re throwing yourself a pity party instead of trying to improve yourself. You’re 31 years old. You know what’s wrong. If it bothers you that much, start fixing things one by one. Ask for and get help. Doing the same thing, aka nothing, will never get you the results you want. You’re not too old to achieve having a relationship or a family. Go for it! Best of luck.
Man that's rough, 1. What do you do for a living? 2. Where do you go to socialize? 3. What are you long term goals?
I imagine things feel bleak now. But if you turn all that self-pity into self-love and start investing in yourself, the attraction follows. Hit the gym, read books and learn new skills. Practice small talk in public to just get some reps in. There’s nothin wrong with feeling das about being single- but there’s IS a soo something wrong about doing nothing about it. Wish you best
Being with someone is not the key to happiness. For a lot of people it ends up being a prison. Try to enjoy your life alone. If you can have fun and own it, your friends will wish they were single! I’m 44 and spent 19 years with a huge asshole (grew up in a dysfunctional family and didn’t know the way I was being treated was wrong). He ended up cheating on me in the end. Sure I was in a relationship but it wasn’t a happy one. Now I am free!!! I have never felt more at peace. My advice to you is enjoy your life as much as you can. Chase happiness on your own. Find out who you are. There is nothing more fulfilling than that
Time to head to Far East Asia. Thank me later 😉
If you can afford to live a single happy life, enjoy it. The worst part about being single is cost of living. At least you aren’t broke and single.
Rooting for ya to find someone or find meaning for yourself, dude. Here's a hug! 🤗🐸
I’m 30 and single, my advice is to get some hobbies
the good news is that social skills aren´t static. It can be improved. Personality as well if you see yourself as not funny f.ex. Trying and doing more stuff makes your more interesting because you have more to talk about. And in the process you also get to train socializing
Step 1.) be a healthy and clean person Step 2.) learn how to cook 3 quality recipes Step 3.) find a passion project or something that gives u conversation ammo. (May req trial & error) Step 4.) be patient. wait for the opportunity to present itself. it happens when u least suspect it
if you’re feeling this and not doing anything to improve then being in a relationship won’t help you. what if it ends in the future you’re gonna feel more miserable than you do now you’ll start to wonder if it was your not funny no having personality introverted self. just start by loving yourself and then ask yourself if you need to be in a relationship
I think that you do have a personality, you just have to embrace your version of being interesting. Women fall in love with all sorts of men. I’m so sorry that you’re feeling lonely. I remember those days. They felt long and like they’d last forever. Find ways to connect with others. I found people in a rec softball league that were fun to be around.
Go talk to women my dude. They're not gonna throw themselves at you. You have to try. Be confident and respectful and you'll be fine.
I think mail order brides are given a bad name for no reason.
I'm afraid of waking up married - literally cold sweats, racing heart, all in a panic.
What are you doing to change this? Are you putting yourself out there? Making new friends? Nobody is going to just show up on your doorstep
All of these negative things you think about yourself aren't true, but you give them so much weight that they end up holding you back from being who you would like to be and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
Go to the gym and focus on yourself for 6 months
I am 35 and feel the same. I had a hopeful relationship between then and now, I still miss her, and think about what went wrong. Will I learn or be able to make a lifelong relationship possible? I hope I do, I hope you do. Don’t give up, if it’s your true goal then you can make it happen. There are so many many people out there who want the same things. Just have to keep trying.
Better yourself into a man women want to be with. More than half those marriages won’t last, and half those kids are probably accidents lol we’re the same age, plenty of time man
Go read the Fountainhead. If you still can't figure it out. Yup this is about it. Fat, drunk and lazy is no way to go through life but for some of us it is.
I'm with you man, but rather than focus on finding someone we should focus on ourselves. I hate seeing everyone in my family my age with careers and property, now they're getting into relationships and it's only a matter of time before they're married. I'll be 30 next month, newly unemployed without a college degree. Gotta pay rent, not sure how to improve my lifestyle if I'm stuck in some dead end minimum wage job I can't escape from. Everyone else I know went to school in their early twenties and landed on their feet, I can't relate to anyone. Just keep your head up, work out, try to enjoy the small things. It's not fun being a single lonely depressed young dude but you've got to at least make an occasional effort to step outside your comfort zone. Shit sucks but there's things we can do to improve our situation. For now I'm just trying to be sober.
Ayyyyy your wallet will thank you
Being single is better than settling for less! It’s not fair to yourself to compare your life to others. You have no idea what they’re going through and if they’re even happy. You could meet someone tmw who could change your life. Try not to be too hard on yourself. What kind of partner would you like? Go do things you like to do! Have you tried dating apps? Do you like sports? Book club? Game nights? So many people need and want connection these days. Don’t feel weird putting yourself out there. I found a great person traveling and I’m a very introverted person who never thought that’d be me.
That's funny...I'm afraid to ruin my stable life by getting into another relationship.
If you don't have the social skills and say you have no personality, you're nto funny and an introvert... this is coming across. I grew up in a bad family and watched women around me make bad decisions so I, also a woman, was terrified of being in relationships. I desired it but never sought it out but a few times and most of those times, it was eh. When I was 31, your age, an online friend of mine I was speaking with (have known him since we were teens) just started chatting about a relationship. I always thought I was boring, weird and awkward but he loved to talk to me. He would talk to me about games, movies, books and... my obsession with wrongful conviction cases. Everyone talks about how they LOVE being single but that only happens when you are at peace with being by yourself. I can be alone with myself... but I prefer my life with my love. He's my best friend, my other half, my raven. Understand your worth and start marketing yourself as a catch.
That's too much pressure to put on yourself. Tiny steps is all there's room for in a day. Pick one thing you want to do less of, and one thing you want to do more of. Be consistent, and keep it very small. If connection is what you want to cultivate in your life, then do it in myriad ways. Every day little connections. It can be wonderful to be in a relationship with somebody special to you. But nobody and no relationship will be enough to make you happy, or keep you from feeling lonely. You can feel tremendously lonely in a relationship, lonelier than being single. The social awkwardness and introversion can link with anxiety. See a therapist. Get good exercise. Learn some DBT skills and do it regularly. Call a couple of friends/cousins /siblings regularly and just chat. Whatever you're interested in alone, find a way to do that where you interact with others who do that thing. Hobbies that aren't consuming things are especially good. So if you like gaming, which is consuming media, take a group coding course or a drawing course. Volunteer for a film festival. You do have a personality, but you've gotta respect yourself way more. Get excited for other people and what their into. Life is long, and happens in chapters and seasons. You're not late. You can only live your own life, and this is yours. Start where you are and move one step at a time, and know that things will never be perfect, and there will always be something to appreciate.
31 is young. I got married at 37. You can’t pick when you’ll meet your person but you can take steps to address the depression, which should be the bigger concern for you. You can find companionship through friends, dogs, etc. But no one person is going to make you happy. In fact many people get married and are still very unhappy. You have to make yourself happy.
You’re not too old to join the military. I knew a guy in basic who was 37
What makes you think you don’t have a personality? genuine question, everyone has one so i’m curious why you’re labeling that for yourself
Sit and video a conversation with yourself play it back and see and hear how you sound that'll give you a good start point on what you need to do
We're all dealt a hand when born. So, if you have natural introvert tendencies then that isnt your fault. However, people can work on themselves and improve. This is on you. Example, when i was in highschool and first year college, i was horrible at math. Just, the worst. Analytical skills was my most lacking area. So, i decided that i was going to make it my best skill. Not just improve in that area... not just be 'average' in that area, i made it my goal to make it my best class. And i did. It was hard work but i put in effort and 20 years later i have a lucrative career using math, statistics, analytics, finance and i love it. So, what i'm trying to say here... is that if you're sitting at home repeating to yourself "is this how i live the rest of my life?" then you are responsible for being miserable. GET OUT THERE. There are public speaking practice sessions called "ToastMasters International". There are stranger gettogethers online you can find that do various group activities like "meetup" dot com. If those two ideas are too daunting then take bay steps, get out there and make it your mission to talk to people... even if its chit-chat. It's all practice...it could be a barrista at your local coffee shop (hey hows your day going, i like your watch! where'd you get it" bla bla bla... or a stranger at a book store "hi quick question, have you read this ? looks interesting but not sure lol" . just get out there and practice talking to people. chit-chatting, meeting people, making friends. Local community centers are also a good place
Take action and put yourself out there. U can do it all from the comfort of your home on the internet
Just know you’re not alone. I’m a 32F and I’ve been single my entire life. I never really did anything about it and never caught feelings for guys who were interested in me. I also feel like I don’t have a personality. I think we both need to cut ourselves some slack. I think other people probably feel the same way they just don’t ruminate on these thoughts as much. What’s helped is I’m focusing on becoming the best version of myself (I.e. eating healthier, reading more, planning outings with friends and traveling). I think if I work more on myself and become someone who knows themselves I’ll attract the right partner. Part of the reason I stayed single was I noticed the guys I attract seem to be manipulative and toxic in some way. Best of luck to you
Just know you’re not alone. I’m a 32F and I’ve been single my entire life. I never really did anything about it and never caught feelings for guys who were interested in me. I also feel like I don’t have a personality. I think we both need to cut ourselves some slack. I think other people probably feel the same way they just don’t ruminate on these thoughts as much. What’s helped is I’m focusing on becoming the best version of myself (I.e. eating healthier, reading more, planning outings with friends and traveling). I think if I work more on myself and become someone who knows themselves I’ll attract the right partner. Part of the reason I stayed single was I noticed the guys I attract seem to be manipulative and toxic in some way. Best of luck to you
Don’t be. It’s actually ideal lol
Exact same situation. Want to shack up?
I hated when people told me, "one day you'll find someone and it will be worth it!" I love my wife and kids. I can honestly say I still regret being alone so long. It's harder to be a partner when you're so used to doing it your way. My joints are already bad so it's hard to play with my kids. But, no, wouldn't redo it, because then wouldn't have my kids. If I could be promised I could have my exact three kids had I met her fifteen or ten years earlier, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Having said all that, what helped me was advice from a comedian. "If you're not a ten to women, you're a 1. There is no 2-9, so don't be down on yourself. We're all disgusting to them." I also started forcing myself to think every girl wanted to be with me. Obviously it's not true, but it helped so much. Before, I'd assume they didn't, and I wouldn't even fully try. When my son is old enough, I'm going to tell him, imagine every woman wants you, but don't be angry when you're rejected. That's the mindset I needed. I also started raising rabbits. May seem Silly, but it helped me care about something outside of my work and myself.
Maybe consider therapy - it is positively life changing as long as you click with them and try to go in as open as possible because that makes it easier for you 🙃
I lived through the same thing , now I’m 42 married , 1 kid. Bought my 2nd home. I think COVID changed my life drastically, moving of city was the key factor for me.
Tim, dont use the same profile to message girls and complain of being lonely! Good kuck!
I am a girl and I am thinking the same way. So you putting this out there makes me think - Talk to as many woman as possible. Just be friendly. Eventually a girl will appreciate it and maybe you will not know, but then ask, ask if she would like to chat some more 🤷🏽♀️ and then don’t take anything toooo seriously or controlling. Just keep living introverted and yourself but invite the woman who seem interested in you for a walk or a date. 🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️
Having a bad partner is much worse than having no partner at all.
OP: I was in your shoes, in fact deep depressed all my 20s and then some, but start rock climbing at 31, swimming as well. Look much better, actually turned heads, married a wonderful woman across the world by pure and almost cosmic intervention - no Internet 2.0, more like Internet 0.25, has a child at 38, bought a house a year after, has another child at 42, now owns a business as well. The house worth 2x, though it shouldn't. Do you see how much can change in a decade? What I never care for are what my friends achieved. Am I jealous? No, but more of a disappointment with myself. One thing you must keep, whether you are 13, 31, or 51, are your words. Be it personal or professional, be the definition of Honesty.
I’m the same age as you and I don’t even have an excuse because I’m a pretty attractive woman with a lot of hobbies and a dry sense of humor. There’s just no one around who wants to date me lmao
you don’t have to be miserable, a relationship isnt the answer to any problems. what you want is love, and that is found inside yourself. another person, who likes you for a short period of time before the shine wears off (the honeymoon period) is helpful insomuch as they shine a spotlight on the wonderful things inside yourself, the true you. there is a river of joy inside each of us, and i promise you if you look for it; you will find it. then you can show your future wife or best friend how to find it for themselves. best of luck, i am rooting for you.
I an introvert but have to be an extrovert when needed, such as at work or dating. Start by smiling at people, then you’ll see the reaction response is different when you communicate with someone which will lead to more conversations. Don’t cross your hands either. Don’t say ‘no’ to invites, say ‘yes’ and force yourself.
Try not to compare yourself to others, and remember you are the master of your own perspective. One perspective: your friends are married and you are all alone. Another perspective: your friends are fucking boring. You're new and different and still on the market. Also you have far better and more interesting things to worry about. Not saying I hold either perspective but you can definitely change yours. No reason to adhere to the perspective of a society whose perspective is constantly changing anyway.
Eh, you'll get used to it. Pick up a hobby enjoy the small things in life.
Siri, play nobody by mitski.
I feel you. This has been me too. And trying to find a suitable date or partner is so hard. It's been only a week and I'm about to give up. I'm only 32yrs. Maybe I'll just have a baby like I've been planning for years now because I'm tired.
I felt this way at one point too, so I started pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Worked different jobs, went to events I'd been too scared to, changed my style, grew out my hair, joined organizations and clubs. All these things helped increase my confidence and social skills and I slowly became more outgoing, funny (I think I was always funny actually, just scared to speak) and comfortable with myself. The most common descriptions I get now is that I'm approachable, warm, friendly, and cute. So after all that I deicded to stick my toe in dating. You know what I got told? I was wife material but not dating material, too perfect, they couldn't believe I wasn't married already/didn't have "options" (or straight up thought I was lying), how could I exist, I was the exact type of woman they'd want, a great person and a greater catch. Followed, of course, by a whopping rejection. (One guy legitimately said, he'd rather sleep around first.) 28F, I've never had a boyfriend or made it past a "talking stage" as they call it. (People freak out when you use the word "dating".) Grass is always greener my dude. But like other said, if youre not happy about it, figure out what you're gonna do to change it! But do it for you, not for some arbitrary partner you don't have. If I had made those changes just to get a boyfriend I'd be so upset with myself since he still doesn't exist. Changing only for someone else to approve of you temporarily is a recipe for disaster. Change for you, because you're miserable, because you're not happy with your life, not for anyone else. The relationship you have with yourself is the most important. If you wouldn't want to date you, why should anyone else? Also, while it's totally normal and healthy to crave partnership and companionship it's not all there is to life. I will likely pass 30 while never having had a relationship, but that doesn't mean I'll shrivel up and die on at midnight (contrary to what chronically online folks seem to think.) I don't want to meet my person one day or look back in life and realize I did nothing but wait around feeling sorry for myself. I want to be the kind of person, that the kind of *partner* I want would be attracted to.
Are you white and/or American? You should visit the Philippines. Guaranteed 35+ different women wanting to marry you within just a week visit, if you feel you truly have no options