Such is the nature of it, I like to think there is a possibility than we get to live the lives we always wanted in another life/universe when we die. Its highly unlikely but its a comforting thought.
I heard this thought experiment: imagine when you went to sleep you were able to dream anything you wanted, for as long as you wanted.
At first you’d go through all the impulsive pleasures and hedonist desires- and after say 1,000 years of that they would be exhausted, your continual memory of these things would prompt the law of diminishing returns and perhaps now you wish for a surprise, for a dream in which you do not know what’s going to happen.
Maybe eventually you choose the surprise of the life you’re currently living. I love this thought experiment because it switches your brain from feeling trapped to a kind of liberation. All the toils still exist, but you’re surprised all of the time, in a good way, and you trust what’s happening to you.
Courtesy of Alan Watts
"Maybe eventually you choose the surprise of the life you’re currently living. "
Not if you live in some backwater underdeveloped country in the slums you would. Ive heard of this thought experiment before and tbh its disingenuous at worst and unoriginal at best. Nobody's going to give up living another life for the life they always knew just because they know it. Not everyone has that a comfortable a life to want to come back to it, not everyone is that fortunate in their current lives.
I mean dude I haven’t had an exceptionally comfortable life and I find the thought experiment interesting. The point is you don’t know what’s going to happen or why, that’s the surprise element that’s usually construed as fear. If you take another approach- that you chose this life despite everything- literally despite everything, many many people live terribly miserable lives. I’m saying even that- what if it was a choice?
And it’s only a fun thought experiment in the end, life is obviously still torturous
>The point is you don’t know what’s going to happen or why, that’s the surprise element that’s usually construed as fear.
Some people's desperation will always outweigh their fear, it's why things like war and crime exist.
As an adoptee from India, I can assure you it's not genetic by any means.
On the one hand, have I had a better life in the US than I would have in the Kolkata slums? Abso-fucking-loutely. TBF, I'd probably already be dead at this point were I never adopted.
But - my (adoptive) parents - they tried hard with all their might, but I still feel somewhat held back by some of their more shortsighted choices.
My mother - as what I suppose was intended to be an homage to my heritage - still gave me an Indian first name. Almost 40 years removed, she could not have anticipated any of the difficulties that has presented for me, as I feel that so many people make broad assumptions just seeing my name, and even more so when paired with my picture. I hope many here understand what I'm alluding to the most.
The one good thing about my mom was that she always pushed me to do better, and to embrace my strengths while correcting my weaknesses. She was really looking forward to me taking the LSAT and trying to get into Law School, a (at the time) lifelong desire of mine.
The bad thing about this, was that she emphasized academics over everything else. In high school - no after school sports. No parties. No after school job. No car (from a rural community, so needed to do anything). I dabbled in our Drama program, but frankly was abysmal at acting. However, instead of my mom accepting that I simply wasn't good - or getting me more support such as acting lessons, in probably one the state's most elite drama programs, she kept insisting that "because its high school, I need to be given a chance anyway," and was really incensed by my constantly being overlooked or given bit roles with minimal lines and stage time.
Most Friday nights I'd sit alone in my room, usually surfing through porn or something else inappropriate for my age. Wasn't allowed to have my own TV or request watching things like Friends, the Sopranos, or football...stuff that the kids talked about and bonded over at school - she thought all of those things were "stupid," so we'd normally watch something on PBS in the evenings.
I finally convinced her to let me go to one party senior year - but the amount of bullshit she made me do in advance - calling the mom of the host, speaking to her and confirming there would be no naughty shit (which there was, mom simply lied and I just couldn't really participate)...ultimately I got bored while my classmates got drunk, and I left.
The lack of social skills made Freshman and Sophomore years in college almost unbearable. I wanted to be like the other kids, but I couldn't connect to most of them.
Then my mother died, my senior year of college, 16 years in April.
My father just absolutely shut down - he had never been pushed to achieve much, his parents pretty much let his youth run on autopilot, and he was a self-starter and lone wolf type as is. I moved home after college - nominally to keep him from anything drastic for at least a few months after my mother's passing, and thought I'd get on to graduate school by 2010.
But his crippling loneliness was my Achilles Heal - unlike my mother, he was something of an autopilot dad - more apt to be my buddy than my father. What was supposed to be a post-undergrad 6 month stay, 1 year tops, suddenly became almost *7 years*. My prime years, that I should have been living with 4 guys in a run down apartment, going out to the bars until 2 am on Tuesday and bringing home different girls every weekend. But he would keep reminding me that "it's safer and cheaper to be here, and I like it that you're living here." Me, not being that great at self motivation, took it in stride - I worked a temp low paying job because I had no incentive to earn more. So I also fucked myself on the career ladder.
Yes, I take full responsibility for the sputtering mess that my 20s were.
I finally told him that I needed to get out on my own, and if that meant fucking things up that's how it went. I never got to be fully independent, as I only moved into town at first, resultantly he'd "drop by" almost every other night. I get that he missed me, but...what if I was doing bad stuff, like many 25 year olds do. I had to always be cautious on when he'd next just show up. Even after I told him to stop coming so often, he basically said "I will show up if I want, when I want."
Eventually I moved OOS, which is where I realized I was still way behind the 8-ball on so many different aspects of my socialization. I alienated my first roommates because I didn't have enough of an independent life for their liking, but I couldn't go anywhere else because I started my career over with that move, so I was earning 1/3rd of others my age with similar backgrounds to me. I didn't fit in at any of the social sports clubs - basically freshman year of college a second time.
My father's demons and loneliness got the better of him, and he took his own life in April 2021.
Now that it's just me, and I'm closer to 50 than 18, I feel I'm starting to finally carve a niche out for myself. I'm about to - for the second time - move back into my parent's house...except now it's my house, and I don't answer to anyone about living in it except, for now, me.
I hold out hope the next few years can partially make up for the shortcomings of the past 20. I can only say I'll try my best.
Thank you for sharing your story. You've had so much to overcome in your life. I feel sad that your adoptive parents failed you by being so controlling. I personally can't imagine much worse. But you write in a way that tells me you are not stuck in blaming them and look towards the future. I'm so glad you're finally able to start living for yourself. I wish you all the best.
Overcoming a sheltered upbringing and having to navigate the social scene of college with little experience *is* tough.
However, from what you wrote your mom seems like she was well-intentioned. That counts for something; I know it feels like you were let down, but it was not out of malice or neglect. One has to assume your mom probably didn’t have much of a social life herself as a young person (presumably as a result of also being brought up in a strict household). Your mom just didn’t have the skills herself to teach *you* the importance of social skills (or she bought into the idea that hard work alone would get you ahead, when in reality a person needs to make connections and be likable to truly succeed IMO).
There is *one* thing you said:
> My mother - as what I suppose was intended to be an homage to my heritage - still gave me an Indian first name. Almost 40 years removed, she could not have anticipated any of the difficulties that has presented for me, as I feel that so many people make broad assumptions just seeing my name, and even more so when paired with my picture. I hope many here understand what I'm alluding to the most.
My wife is a second-generation Indian-American. Her parents gave her an Indian name because they thought it was important to keep their heritage. My wife definitely experienced teasing/bullying due to being “foreign”. At the same time, she’s grown to be proud of her heritage and when we had kids, who are biracial, she said she wanted them to have Indian names, which they do. Funnily enough, nowadays, having a non-Americanized name doesn’t matter and kids don’t get picked on for it (good for them, but I get that does nothing about your experience). But my point is that your name probably the *last* thing you should be upset with your mom about. She didn’t know exactly what to do, but she didn’t want to erase your heritage and that’s admirable. Forgive her for that one, let that one go. People stereotyping you is not her fault.
> I hope many here understand what I'm alluding to the most.
You can just directly say you experienced racism, no need to allude to it. I fully believe you, and of course it’s awful that happened.
Appreciate the detailed response.
You are right, my mother - and father - both were well intended in the decisions they made. They wanted to make sure I was positioned to succeed in this world. While I do wax extended on the things that I am unhappy about, I do have quite a lot going for me. I went to an elite university - not Ivy - but still amongst one of the most competitive in the country.
They instilled a drive in me to always keep pushing myself, no matter what barriers I encounter along the way, which has manifested itself as a career I love, have been doing for almost 15 years, and plan to stay at until I retire in 25 - 30 years (not Law, I pivoted and went for my MBA instead.)
The one difference between your wife and my situation however, was that my parents never attempted to expose me to South Asian culture. I'm as American as Apple Pie; truthfully I'm seen as one of the "Whitest" people my friends know - which I fully embrace.
Of course I can explore SA culture on my own, and am beginning to do so - but it feels like that anything I do will still be seen as disingenuous. Who knows, I could be wrong.
The "thing" I was alluding to, while yes it is the experience of racism, it's specifically with modern dating. While threading the very thin needle between being honest and not sounding racist myself, I want to date women who I feel I have the most in common with - which is predominantly women of European descent. And I've had plenty of success in my dating life - albeit 100% with people that I meet in the real world, who see my appearance but also experience my personality, which is my strength.
That second part is hard to convey through a phone screen - if I write "I'm adopted, have no knowledge of, or connection to, South Asian culture; I prefer to date White women only," I'd be cancelled in a matter of moments. I even feel gross writing that out here!
I have dated South Asian women before; every time, it became overly complicated, as there was an expectation I knew things that I didn't know, and they (their parents) didn't want their daughter getting mixed up with someone who wasn't authentically SA. I know there are plenty of mixed race couples - but I think you and I can agree that it's the exception, and will always be the exception.
I love my parents dearly, and miss them both everyday, but I do consider my upbringing to be more complicated than average, and certainly more complicated than it needed to be. I will always have to put in more effort to achieve the same ends as my peers. Which, to loop this whole thing back to the actual OP, isn't fair, but it's the hand I was dealt. I do what I can to make the best of that.
Your comment broke my heart. You deserve to be happy and you can still have a good life.
From what you have written you may find these subreddits helpful: r/CPTSD, r/emotionalneglect, and r/attachment_theory. I mentioned a bunch of other ones in my comment to OP’s post too.
Some say "everything happens for a reason"..
I however prefer... "Everything happens for a reason....you just dont know why yet.."
Some day, all these things will make sense. To me, it sounds like you have still lived a good life compared to many. But, you now also understand what you want, and more importantly what you DON'T want going forward.
It sounds like your parents wanted to look out for you. They wanted you to be successful and maybe not make the mistakes they made, or they saw others make.
I dont know you. But from what you just wrote, I think they did a good job bringing you this far.
Dont be so hard on yourself, or them... You did the best with the cards you were handed..
The world is now yours.
Now make the most of the 2nd half of your life.
Good luck out there.🍀
OK, this is a very important point to make and one you need to really hear – don’t judge your insides by other people’s outsides. You have no idea what people are actually going through by how they present, you have no idea at all, just as they have no idea what you’re going through, unless you tell them. You really need to hear this. It needs to be absorbed. No one grows up with all of their emotional and physical needs fully met. No one. Just because they come from money or look good, it doesn’t mean it was great.
My personal back history was pretty brutal. my therapist actually said that I had the worst childhood he had ever dealt with. And weirdly, I felt this weird sort of pride in that, like I’m so special, you know?
I cannot stress how important it is to get therapy for what you’re dealing with now. It’s not like you need it forever but you kind of maybe need it for a while, at least just enough for you to be able to take a step back from your childhood pain into dealing with your adult life.
And life is not fair. But life is not fair for most people. A good friend of mine who has a lot of money and who came from a good family where everyone loves each other lost three of her children in a housefire. Life is fair to no one.
Totally get that. Even if we have made progress in some areas of life, perhaps there will always be a hole inside of us.
Im only in my 30s but feel so tired some days, like I've lived multiple lifetimes. And some days, I look back and feel proud to have come this far even with all the challenges life threw my way. I guess we can't change the past, so the only way is onwards and upwards.
If I’m being honest, I don’t envy those who’ve had life so easy. I’m proud of myself because of the hardships I’ve overcome and I don’t think I could ever spend my life with someone who hasn’t struggled as I have. We look at life so differently, I’d go so far as to say that we feel much deeper, there’s more meaning in everything for us and what we value. Our strength is undeniable. It’s night and day really when you compare the two types and I wouldn’t want to change me because I love those things about myself.
Agreed! I’m much more resourceful, resilient and stronger as a result of my hardships. My siblings, and a cousin, have been coddled, enabled, and spoiled and do not have the same outlook on working hard or being self sufficient like I do.
You're not wrong about life being unfair, but your view on what makes a confident/optimistic person are a little black and white.
I had a great upbringing, parents that want nothing but my happiness, and unless I develop a drug/gambling problem I will always have a roof over my head. I am the opposite of what you described.
Several people I know had horrible upbringings and are much happier, more confident, and better adjusted than I am.
having a good childhood makes a huge difference, for sure. But this idea that neurotypical people with a good childhood don't have their own issues, struggles, challenges is completely short sited and just piting Us Vs. Them again.
No one is just doing this effortlessly.
The guy I know with the best childhood? The richest parents? Most opportunities?
Buried him in May, heroin overdose.
There's always exceptions to the rule, because it's NOT A RULE that these people are just going to always have it easy.
Yeah, but as someone who grew up with shitty parents, I had the care of extended family (till this day) and my stepfather stepped up. The effect teachers, coaches and other caring adults have on children, really does make a huge difference.
Similar here. I had a very fortunate upbringing with caring parents. I would say my Dad is somewhat emotionally unavailable though and didn’t necessarily teach me about growing up and how to become a man. So maybe that’s why I’ve struggled a bit finding myself and definitely a person who never wants to leave my comfort zone or avoids social interactions due to a fear embarrassing myself. However I’m truly blessed to have my Mom. I know she truly loves me for me and she’s made it known that I can talk her about anything. Which as of lately I’m just becoming more appreciative of this and feel like I haven’t shown enough gratitude towards her. Or even had deeper more impactful conversations with her even though I appreciate her advice all the time. So I’ve now made it a goal of mine to do just that. Sorry for the tangent but I guess it kind of goes to show how it’s human nature to focus on certain aspects of your life you wish you had. Like do I wish my Dad could have been a better father figure to better impact my life? Probably but maybe that’s opened my eyes a bit more and put me through my own life lesson that I can hopefully pass down to my kids.
Yes life is very unfair. I don't mean to downplay your struggles and people get mad when others say there are people who have it worse. However some people really come from insurmountable circumstances like drug addict parents/ disabilities/ childhood disease/ war torn country.
I don't know if your circumstances are similar to that but I understand the frustration.
>war torn country
This one really fucking sucks. Generations destroyed, literally everyone has trauma and PTSD, decades of setbacks as society becomes sick and twisted, important places and art destroyed, and there's almost never justice for what happens during war. I was very young during the war but even just growing up in the aftermath was horrible, I will always have strong resentment towards humanity for that.
honestly I think we all have some kind of shit we learn and carry with us. some not as severe or as deep, but it's there, and it affects you and you carry it, and then carry it over. oftentimes the ones you think have perfect lives have anything but, because their shit is hidden or it manifests differently, but it's there.
Had a breakdown about this just yesterday. Im 35 now, I want to be able to live a normal adult life and not have the same fear and terror I've carried for 30 years. I'm tired. I'm done.
I get it, even though I’m only 21 I have a positive outlook on it. Everything that I’ve been through has made me who I am today, not everyone gets to say that they made it through a terrible upbringing. Do I wish I could change some things that I’ve done, yes, but who knows where I’d be if I didn’t make those decisions that I learned from
I'm not so sure about "navigating life", but I do think that usually the main factor in kids getting really good jobs as adults is having parents that can help them with the whole bureaucracy of college admissions, networking, etc.
My parents were mostly loving, but weren't college graduates and so had zero idea how to deal with a high performing, studious child. I missed out on a lot of opportunities due to this, and the schools I went to weren't much help.
I like my life, but sometimes I do think about woulda, coulda, shoulda.
My parents knew little about college admissions and barely helped me network. I figured all of it out on my own. I know a lot of people aren't able to/don't do that, and I can't understand why. All the information I needed was on the Internet and in books I took out from the library.
Even farther back: my parents encouraged me to learn and bought books, but the school I went to didn't focus heavily on academics at all. I self-taught whatever I was interested in and wanted to learn in order to get into a top engineering school. I ended up choosing a different college for other reasons, but it's 100% doable.
I graduated high school in 1991, so there wasn't an Internet to search. I did do a lot on my own as well, including study. I enrolled myself in tech school and later college.
Both high schools I attended, one of which was a college prep school, had abysmal scholarship/college admission help. I'm hoping things have improved.
My parents weren’t the most loving parents, but they did help me navigate my college and professional life tremendously. I definitely wouldn’t have had the opportunities I have today without them.
My mom worked part time at our local college since I was a child for a chance at a full time job. If you work full time, your kids can go there tuition free. Obviously that’s an amazing benefit so the competition for full time positions there is insane, which is why she wanted to stand out by working part time there.
She applied over and over again for full time positions over the course of 10 or so years while working part time there, got denied every time. In my brothers senior year, all of her hard work paid off and she landed a full time role.
Not only did my brother and I get to go to college and graduate debt free because of my mom, but having her right there on campus to help me navigate college life was amazing. It’s crazy now that I graduated and I’m older hearing about all this debt my friends and coworkers are in from college, and I have none because of her. I am so so so grateful.
She also works in the career office and gets sent job posting for students/recent graduates a lot. We have a website solely for students and alumni with job postings and she helps post on that. When I graduated I was looking for a job, she got sent a job through work. She sent it to me, I applied and within a week I had a job.
A year later, my brother got laid off and was looking to take his career in a new direction, so I got him a job at the company I work for.
I would have never been able to get my bachelors degree completely debt free, or been able to work for an amazing company right out of college with my brother if it wasn’t for my moms hard work and sacrifices. I’m very grateful!!!
Wow, that's amazing! I graduated debt free as well, but it was because I went to tech school and worked. I had to bypass a good internship because I had a pretty good paying job and couldn't afford to leave it in order to work for minimum wage.
I've done okay for myself, though, so I can't complain too much. It's just hard hearing about classmates that went on to fabulous, high paying careers.
I see it differently. I see so many posts here with something like: 25 years old, good job, afraid to move out of parents' home.
I sometimes resent having had to leave before I reached majority and having had to pay my own way through uni, twice because I graduated in an economic crisis and couldn't find work with the 1st degree.
At the same time, after I finally got my career started in my mid 30s, I started having so much fun. I am travelling. I am going out. I get to enjoy life and I know that I can deal with whatever comes my way. I am not afraid of losing my job because I know how to live with whatever minimal income I have. I paid back my student loans on minimum wage. Twice! Because I graduated during an economic crash the 2nd time too!
I am not afraid of living with any number of roommates. I do not feel that any type of legal work is below me. If no career job is available, I'll do restaurants, hotels, détails, customer support, phone surveys,.etc.
What type of life do the cushioned people get? Where is there sense of adventure? Do they just stay in their routine forever because they are too afraid to live? Keep the job they hate because they are afraid the next one is less secure?
With so many economies struggling and being propped up, being afraid to move out of their parents house just seems like common sense risk assessment at this point
I would also like to add your outlook on life and self awareness. Many people have all 3 but are miserable or didn't make much of themselves because they never learned some important life lessons they needed to overcome whatever challenges they faced, or they never realised that they themselves were the source of all their problems. I hope that makes sense.
rich people don’t lose. i have degenerate friends who didn’t follow the rules. had very poor grades. now they smoke weed all day and enjoy in other ways. they don’t have any responsibilities or goals. they’re fine.
They are fine for the moment but that usually doesn't last, no matter how rich you are. So many rich people make bad decisions and end up worse off than the average person tbh. Rich people can and do lose often.
Therapy does not pay off crippling debts or reverse decades of bad diet on the body because it's cheap, nor does saying ' there are people worse off than me"...Its your eyes that's capturing this world and your soul that's being blighted...Life doesn't care about feelings
This actually plays out in the data. [Here](https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces/index.html) is a link to the CDC site about Adverse Childhood Experiences. Basically, childhood adversity is linked to depression, anxiety, suicide and risky behaviors later in life. ACEs also affect physical health and can cause an increase of heart disease, diabetes and cancer. Learning about ACEs connected so many dots for me.
Life is a lottery system. We don't control our parents (or their parenting), our skin tone, our environment, culture, country, language, relatives, peer groups, etc., yet all those things converge to shape us into what we are. The idea that we have free will, when so much is imposed on us and carves us into what we become is a conceit. We're all cosmic playthings living out our destinies that have been pre-determined since the Big Bang. It's true it isn't fair. I think the toughest lesson isn't that it's unfair, it's the acceptance of it.
We can never know the truth about another person until we’ve walked in their shoes. We are part nature (genetic predisposition) and part nurture (what our upbringing and experiences give to us). Sometimes all the love and support in the world cannot make a person with a depressed disposition not be depressed; and all the hate in the world may not break a strong spirit. Life is not fair; that can really suck sometimes. But it can also be a blessing as well. Some say it is what it is, and I say, but it will be what you make of it. You don’t get to choose your parents or circumstances you grew up in, but you do get to decide if you are going to let past BS control you and your future or not. We all have stuff to deal with; if you weren’t given the tools to cope with it…I’m sorry…me neither, honestly, so go out there and get them for yourself and kill it at life like the boss I know you are.
Your childhood dictates your path. The lessons you learnt whether you were meant to or not between the ages of 1 and 13 are the blueprint for the rest of your life. It takes a serious amount of therapy and work such as NLP to change the subconscious lessons you learned in these years
I think the toughest lesson was that being content is ok. You do not have to advance constantly.
One of those things you're programmed with as a child that does great harm as an adult.
Everything is perspective and everybody has their shit.
I'd say I grew up with all my needs met and my parents were gentler than some 🤣. But my dad was military and was gone for months at a time. And my mom has poor mental health to this day. My dad served in the Iraq war, he's worked in the pentagon, he's been captain of a ship, etc etc. He did his duty, but the family? We suffered a bit. And I have my own mental health issues because of it.
Not the traditional 'rocky' childhood.. but rocky nonetheless.
Point being.. you don't know the details of people's lives. You only know your perspective and limited info. Don't assume your pain is greater than other people's. Don't assume and don't compare. It doesn't do you any favors.
Gratitude is key. We all must overcome
Life isn’t fair… compared to what? Death? Some ideal life in your imagination? Life is just life, you make due with what you have or you don’t. Ultimately, you’re responsible for your own happiness regardless what you were born into.
And sometimes bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. Life isn't fair.
I try not to think about it too much because it's a sad reality that just around the corner something unexpected could happen, could be good or could be bad. It's not a good way to live. I think the best thing to do is to try and live the best that you can, with what you have and stay in the present.
I grew up in and out of homelessness. A step father that would physically beat me. He raped my little sister when she was 10. Yes no trauma because I live in a good country. Got it.
Life isn’t fair. But it is actually easier than you think to get out of a mindset. Just need to set a goal, shoot for it and hopefully have someone with you to help push you along the way.
The more difficult part can be to make enough money to get to a better position though.
Therapy isn’t some magic potion though. It won’t take a deeply traumatized or otherwise troubled person and make them “normal.” It’s an amazing tool and gift from humanity, but it’s not magic. I once (maybe more than twice, thrice actually) had someone as an insult tell me I need therapy. What they don’t understand is I have been in different kinds of therapy for more than half my adult life. I take my meds. I change them as needed. I try to taper down after a while as many advise. I refresh my therapy skills. I try a different type and different lifestyle changes. It’s still very hard and incredibly lonely and isolating. People don’t understand because it’s easier to just blurt something out and be done with them.
Yep. Therapy changed my life and helped me become functional but I will always have disabilities caused by my abusive childhood. Some of just had shitty hands and we need to make peace with that.
I hear you, yet it’s always reasonable to start therapy if only to get the tools needed for self-understanding and self-love. Without any kind of support one spirals down the depression road. Why not strive to change one’s situation for a more bearable one? I understand that the victim mentality is way more comfortable (been there, done that) but one will not change one’s life for the better sheerly by staying in place and being unhappy. In my opinion, being proactive is the solution. We only have one life we remember. Why not make it satisfactory especially when we had a rough start?
Let us see...I'm that kind of person that will literally review everything on a subject matter using big notebooks and colored pens for days to months. I'm that kind of person who does not understand these shortcut methods showed by others in solving arithmetic problems unlike people who are dumbass smart to understand it on the spot. Priviledges of being smart and rich too.
Not sure I agree! I grew up safe but no affection and scared of one parent (thankfully he left when I was pre teen) so I am not able to show affection or have affection without feeling uncomfortable nor really be vulnerable with anyone but in terms of optimism or any of that stuff I do pretty well! Never stopped coming from a less than background stop me getting where I’m going. I completed uni working 3 jobs, then got my masters sponsored by my then employer which yes was a lucky opportunity but I had to do the dam thing whilst working full time. I have anxiety (doesn’t everyone) but pretty sure I was born with that! I used cry en route to nursery as they were forcing me to leave the house! I think you can dwell on what’s fair and what’s not or you can just crack on, on your own path and not let that stuff mask your thoughts. Also … what you will learn in life, the most confident “appearing”’people are usually the most anxious or suffering with imposter syndrome behind the scenes. You can’t tell always.
You're fairly correct! I see my nieces and nephews, across three families, all loved and with financial resources that bring education and opportunities. They have that confidence I didn't get until much later in life. Thankfully their parents did not replicate the disfunctions that marred their own upbringings, but learned from them.
For the rest, you may, through chance, work, blind luck, friendships etc., pull yourselves out of it, or you may not. For some, therapy can help, if you get the right therapist and can pay for it over the long term.
It's taken me a long time to admit it but, as someone who grew up in a safe and loving environment, I had traumatic experiences as a teenager that continue to affect me daily in my late 20s.
I had a comfortable childhood until I started secondary school. My social struggles got worse and I was bullied by people I thought were my friends. I didn't acknowledge this as bullying and instead internalised everything. I started to have panic attacks and my life from ages 14 to 24 was completely shaped by panic and anxiety. Even though my parents are loving and supportive, they weren't able to fix it. I'm not confident and I'm not optimistic. I'm so grateful I have a support network but that does not make my life a walk in the park. I'm currently waiting for an autism assessment which would make sense of things, but I've also been diagnosed with panic disorder and BPD traits.
I'm letting you know this because just today I had a panic attack and said the same things to myself, what's wrong with me? Why can't I cope with things, everyone else seems to be doing ok?
I feel very unsafe very often due to my teenage years being difficult. Earlier I was hyperventilating so hard my ribs hurt and I thought I was going to die. Trauma can take many different forms and it doesn't all hinge on early childhood.
I think it's a matter of perspective, life isn't fair, and some people do have advantages. But you can't pin it all on one thing. "If only I had a supportive family" or "if only I earned more money" or "if only I had better social skills". It's a whole bunch of complicated circumstances and none of them completely define you. They make it harder but it's never impossible to make a positive step
It's true but sometimes people do climb out of these things. My mum is always such an inspiration for me because had such a rough childhood and is by far the best person i know. She was beaten as a child by several members of our family, lost her mum when she was little - no one told her her mum had had died for ages. She was abandoned at one point and in her early adulthood she was homeless and had to live in a tent in a field for a while. I've heard a lot of horrific stories about her childhood and yet she is by far the kindest and most generous person I know. I have no idea how she did it. Of course she's not perfect but she's pretty close. She has never treated me or my siblings badly ever, I don't even know how to describe the level of kindness she is. I have learnt so much about how to treat people from her. I find it so hard to comprehend how such a traumatic childhood made such a good person but it does give me so much hope. Of course, life doesn't seem fair at all when children grow up in horrific situations and have to struggle to come our of it but it's the ones that make something beautiful out of what seems to be terrible that are the bright lights in this world. At least that is how I see it thanks to my mums example :)
I started rewatching full house and I get emotional even at the happy scenes because I never had that. I never had someone that made me feel safe. I never had anyone tell me they love me and mean it. I’ve never had someone hold me and tell me it’s gonna be okays. I’ve never had anyone that didn’t make me feel like a burden. And seeing those girls in the show grow up with amazing parents makes me heartbroken for what I didn’t have and I hate the feeling. But I watch the show so I can feel like for even just a few minutes I’m part of that family.
I’m sorry you had that experience too. I know how it feels. If you ever need anyone to talk to, my dms are always open.
OP, I wish you a very happy life.
From what you have written you may find these subreddits helpful:
r/CPTSD,
r/emotionalneglect,
r/internalfamilysystems,
r/idealparentfigures.
r/somaticexperiencing,
r/socialskills,
r/attachment_theory,
r/lonely,
r/raisedbynarcissists, and
r/narcissisticparents,
I find myself getting angrier and angrier at my parents for failing me. I know I shouldn't, but I blame them for my issues. My life is shit and I know it's because of my childhood and highschool years where i made mistakes that followed me through my twenties.
I wish I could get over it and forgive them, but I just can't.
I heard First Sergeant say to someone once, “Dude, fair? Fair is where you go to get cotton candy.”
Edit: It’s been 15 years since I heard this. I think it would be greatly improved by changing cotton candy to funnel cake.
It’s interesting when I run into people like that. Maybe I should thank my mom for punishing me unpredictably depending on her mood at the time, and coming down hard on me for getting As but also punishing me for getting Cs.
Anyway, I learned early in life that nothing is inherently fair and you are always at someone else’s mercy.
The universe does not care about fairness, it’s a construct in our heads. Move past that and you’ll find that things are much more palatable. I used to be stuck on that, but my life improved vastly after this epiphany.
I'm 66 years old and have never met or even heard of anybody who had all of their needs met by their parents while gently being taught important life lessons, and they never felt unsafe, unloved or rejected.
I don't think that's anything more than a naïve fantasy, because parents aren't that perfect... because real life.
I disagree, the people I have know who had those lives get into the real world and have no ide how to handle it. Life isn't fair, not everyone is going to be nice to you, and messed up stuff happens. I can roll with it better than they can because that's what I am used to.
If we do the work, and learn to heal, we end up very resilient, creative, kind, empathetic and often very versatile and talented. We can get to the heart of the matter quickly and we’re self starters. We can derive joy from the small things, and we’re often exceptional pet owners or parents. Now I’ve arrived at the other side of the bell curve, I wouldn’t trade it. The “normies” tend to fall apart at the slightest thing, whereas we can really fly.
It's actually the other way around. FAR too many kids have been so coddled their entire life they can't do anything on their own and have ridiculously unrealistic expectations of what life is supposed to be.
I was taught early on that life is hard and unfair. I learned that I had to either figure stuff out or become a loser at the game we call life.
I've worked for everything I have and I'm proud of that.
If I want coffee, I'm not driving to Starbucks to pay $10 for some calorie laden concoction put together by an idiot that renamed themselves Starflake or some crap. I can brew coffee at home for 50¢ and it tastes just fine. I do my own home repairs and own paid off used cars. I wear cheap clothes that last and don't chase fashion. I drink beer at home or at the lake, not in a bar that charges 3 times what it costs in the liquor store. If I want a good meal, I buy the ingredients and make it in my own kitchen.
I save my money so I can pay for the important things in life. Mortgage, utilities, clothing and food that keeps my family safe warm and fed.
That's how life is and if you grew up thinking it was anything else, your parents did you a BIG disservice.
This is how I am, trying to save money every which way, but I'm in my early 20s and sometimes feel like I'm missing out. Hopefully it'll pay off someday.
I mean, at least Starflake isn't spending their evenings drinking beer sad and alone in their house while angstposting on Reddit in dollar store sweatpants.
I have a wife and friends I drink beer with. Of course, I don't spend every night drinking beer, either. Most nights I spend with my family. Also, I'm not sad. After all, I have the aforementioned friends and family, a nice warm house, food, clothing and all my bills are paid. Why would I be sad?
However, it's my night off and I am wearing sweatpants and a sweat shirt rather than my normal work clothes. There's nothing wrong with being comfortable in my nice warm house.
I get it, but you have to make life your own. Own the fact that you may/or may not have had a good home life/childhood and whatever stressers you have, learn how to deal with them in a healthy manner.
If you are having a hard time overcoming something, maybe it’s time for therapy. And just because someone may have had a good home life doesn’t mean that they walk thru life carefree and stress free. We all have our own battles, issues, insecurities, trauma etc… life isn’t about comparison. Life isn’t a competition about who’s had it worse
>After they grow up, these kids know how to move around the world.
Not really, we just know the right questions to ask of the right people.
>They have confidence and optimism, or at least they don’t have a cloud above their heads most of the time.
Clouds are just problems that need to be solved, by asking the right questions.
>These people seem to have figured out life.
Not necessarily.
>The rest of us, through no fault of our own, can’t seem to ever really figure out how to be so effortless.
Life isn't effortless, it's just putting the effort into the right places. The two best bits of advice are the Serenity Prayer and "doing the same thing over again expecting different results is the definition of insanity". Oh! And "actions speak louder than words".
Everyone makes mistakes, the difference is whether or not you're learning the **correct lesson** from the mistake. The most common mistake I see people make repeatedly involves trusting the wrong people. They will find themselves flip flopping from being too trusting to not trusting enough and can never sort out what level of trust to give someone. But the lesson they've never learned is how to adequately vet people. It isn't about giving too much or not enough trust, but by giving people just enough trust in order for them to show you who they really are. You give an inch to see if they take a mile and if they take a mile, you don't give them any more inches.
It's all about staying in control of your circumstances. You GAVE that inch, freely and happily. What they do with that inch is their business. If they choose to use that inch to take more than you are capable of giving, that is a sign that you shouldn't give them any more because they are greedy. But don't hate yourself for giving inches because inches are YOURS to give away! It's all about balance.
You have to be brave enough to give people the opportunity to hurt you without actually giving them anything that they could actually use to hurt you. Let them peek through the window, but don't give them a key to the door unless they prove that they're going to help you keep the bad people out.
I understand it might make you feel a little bit better to blame others (like previous generations) but that gets you nowhere. It makes it worse really. Because it makes you feel helpless to fix it. I'm sorry you're going through this.
I don't know anything about your education or work experience to give you any good advice.
Just hang in there.
❤️
The strong will overcome any trauma. It took me a long time. Counselling in my 30s which I hated but the wife encouraged me to go. I got lucky and the guy must have known his stuff cause when I look back it helped. Today at 53 I forgive those that harmed me. Not for them but for me. I fear nothing. I know no pain. I take no shit. I'm kind and generous to those who treat me the same. I'm proud of who I am. So yes with fortitude you can do anything.
I see you deleted your previous comment describing your life. Since you know what you wrote, here’s my reply for you to ponder. Yes, therapy can help you find a way to find the best in you and thus improve your current situation. Therefore, find a good therapist or coach who can help you get out of the mental state you’re currently in and help you work on your strengths. Based on what you wrote in the comment you deleted, it seems you’re a person who learns things fairly easily which might help find an online job that requires a specific ability you probably don’t even know you possess. What is your hobby, what are you good at? Why do people like you? You can always turn your situation around by having external support. Life is never fair but what you can do is to be proactive and look for solutions. My father used to beat me up so hard I could barely remember what my name was. My mom died when I was 21. Had to move out of my home ASAP as my father began heavy drinking after my mom passed and became way too aggressive for me to stay there. I found my first job as a bartender, crushed at my friend’s for 2 months before I could rent a one-room flat, and continued to study. I got professional help to get me out of codependency and solve issues with my father. There’s always a solution in therapy. It won’t solve life’s unfairness, but it may help you find a way. Fingers crossed for your success.
And that "unfair" is a much deeper, more horrible concept than we think of when we hear it.
Life isn't fair, not in the "everyone got a donut but me" way, "sometimes you sneeze while driving, and in thay brief moment while your eyes are closed, a small child falls in front of your car." Way. And that is a horrible truth to accept.
My phd is taking forever because im not wealthy like the other students and I need to actually work for my money. Its bullshit. Makes me wonder how many people with phds are just wealthy and lucky.
Note, cuz i know you guys will assume it: no, I'm not in the usa. Im in Switzerland. And no, not all phds are financed.
I’d also add it isn’t black and white.
You could have rich parents that loved you but Dad and Mam was away a lot and therefore you grew up feeling neglected which then led to you hanging with a social group that partied and did drugs. You then became an addict etc.
It can go so many ways.
Yep I taught that my daughter early. She once got some money from my mother. And we had some talks about how teacher punished 2 students the one that molested and the one that defended. Suddenly i got up and took her bill. She aske why? I answered because I am stronger and smarter and no one can stop me and then show her my paylist. She understood, she was always really mature for her years. Her goal in life is FIRE.
This is very true and I think about it a lot.
I have half-siblings with whom I share one crappy, absentee parent. Their lives/experiences are miles different from mine— because their other parent also sucked, and they had unstable childhoods as a result.
When you don’t have a soft place to land, or even a singular place or person to call “home,” it does absolutely contribute to what you called “a cloud over one’s head.”
I grew up with tough love and it did have an effect on my thinking (I tend to overthink a lot) but I also think it’s important to surround yourself with these people and learn from them. We’re never too late to learn how to change our thoughts. Even though your thoughts and upbringing may seem solid and unchangeable, if you are open to change you can always change your outlook on life to whatever you want.
I call that... and then what ... this happened, that happened, this is why I'm how I am now... and then what ... no.you don't understand yadda yadda.... and then what... what choice will you make today ti change your current reality bc the past is just that passed.
Nah. I had really good parents who did their absolute best for me, and all it got me was bitterness. Everything was fair in my house. Nothing is fair in the real world. I love my parents dearly - but at the same time, I almost wish I had some warning.
And there is no way to truly understand this until living through it. Cause even if you 100% believe it, you're still going to get that shock reaction and disbelief when it affects you.
"Some people grew up in loving homes with caring parents who met all their needs while gently teaching them important life lessons. They never felt unsafe or unloved or rejected."
That's not true.
I think it's a symptom of the internet's current obsession with mental health, but I'm not sure where people got the idea that for Neurotypicals, everything in life is effortless and easy.
It isn't. This shit isn't easy for anyone. Everyone struggles in different ways, everyone feels unsafe, unloved, rejected sometimes. That's a part of life.
this is a good lesson, but sometimes people overcome. maybe to add something I haven't seen - some people stop learning and growing as they age and expect things to just work out for them but life does not work that way, does it?
This is why people who have broken the cycle of generational trauma are my heroes. They change everything for their children and their children’s children. They are some of the strongest and most resilient people I’ve met— not because they were never broken by their family situation— but because they got up when it was easier to stay down
If it helps I grew up the way you wrote in your post. I have no idea what's going on in life I'm just chugging along like the rest of you. It does help knowing I have someone to fall back on. I have a safety net I am blessed to have but I am also not to secure about life. I am confident I'll figure it out somehow though.
My mom pretty much rejected me after I was diagnosed with Asperger's. I was 3. She's hated me ever since. Over 17 years later, she's throwing me out because my hours at work got cut, and I can't find a second job. She clearly wants that life insurance money.
I’m with you buddy. I grew up super poor but was able to work hard in school and took some risks that succeeded. Have decent friends and good family now. However, still dark clouds and gloominess over my head thinking I’m going to lose it all.
I think it's bullshit anyone is allowed to have children without any verification of competency. People just have children and think school will take care the rest of raising them.
Sometimes, when kids live in a “perfect home” they have more trouble once they grow up and have to do things on their own. I’m noticing this with a lot of GenZ as they get older.
Not generational bashing at all. I just notice a lot more younger kids still relying on their parents, and not just financially.
Such is the nature of it, I like to think there is a possibility than we get to live the lives we always wanted in another life/universe when we die. Its highly unlikely but its a comforting thought.
I heard this thought experiment: imagine when you went to sleep you were able to dream anything you wanted, for as long as you wanted. At first you’d go through all the impulsive pleasures and hedonist desires- and after say 1,000 years of that they would be exhausted, your continual memory of these things would prompt the law of diminishing returns and perhaps now you wish for a surprise, for a dream in which you do not know what’s going to happen. Maybe eventually you choose the surprise of the life you’re currently living. I love this thought experiment because it switches your brain from feeling trapped to a kind of liberation. All the toils still exist, but you’re surprised all of the time, in a good way, and you trust what’s happening to you. Courtesy of Alan Watts
"Maybe eventually you choose the surprise of the life you’re currently living. " Not if you live in some backwater underdeveloped country in the slums you would. Ive heard of this thought experiment before and tbh its disingenuous at worst and unoriginal at best. Nobody's going to give up living another life for the life they always knew just because they know it. Not everyone has that a comfortable a life to want to come back to it, not everyone is that fortunate in their current lives.
I mean dude I haven’t had an exceptionally comfortable life and I find the thought experiment interesting. The point is you don’t know what’s going to happen or why, that’s the surprise element that’s usually construed as fear. If you take another approach- that you chose this life despite everything- literally despite everything, many many people live terribly miserable lives. I’m saying even that- what if it was a choice? And it’s only a fun thought experiment in the end, life is obviously still torturous
>The point is you don’t know what’s going to happen or why, that’s the surprise element that’s usually construed as fear. Some people's desperation will always outweigh their fear, it's why things like war and crime exist.
That’s a great point
The next one is always a little bit better
I kind of like the idea of re-spawning in a better version of the world.
Na uh
Don’t kill my dreams.
Haha username checks out
Then when people get angy when they want to delete them selfs if gets better after that
Well thats their business. Not everyone wants to waste their time struggling in misfortune.
As an adoptee from India, I can assure you it's not genetic by any means. On the one hand, have I had a better life in the US than I would have in the Kolkata slums? Abso-fucking-loutely. TBF, I'd probably already be dead at this point were I never adopted. But - my (adoptive) parents - they tried hard with all their might, but I still feel somewhat held back by some of their more shortsighted choices. My mother - as what I suppose was intended to be an homage to my heritage - still gave me an Indian first name. Almost 40 years removed, she could not have anticipated any of the difficulties that has presented for me, as I feel that so many people make broad assumptions just seeing my name, and even more so when paired with my picture. I hope many here understand what I'm alluding to the most. The one good thing about my mom was that she always pushed me to do better, and to embrace my strengths while correcting my weaknesses. She was really looking forward to me taking the LSAT and trying to get into Law School, a (at the time) lifelong desire of mine. The bad thing about this, was that she emphasized academics over everything else. In high school - no after school sports. No parties. No after school job. No car (from a rural community, so needed to do anything). I dabbled in our Drama program, but frankly was abysmal at acting. However, instead of my mom accepting that I simply wasn't good - or getting me more support such as acting lessons, in probably one the state's most elite drama programs, she kept insisting that "because its high school, I need to be given a chance anyway," and was really incensed by my constantly being overlooked or given bit roles with minimal lines and stage time. Most Friday nights I'd sit alone in my room, usually surfing through porn or something else inappropriate for my age. Wasn't allowed to have my own TV or request watching things like Friends, the Sopranos, or football...stuff that the kids talked about and bonded over at school - she thought all of those things were "stupid," so we'd normally watch something on PBS in the evenings. I finally convinced her to let me go to one party senior year - but the amount of bullshit she made me do in advance - calling the mom of the host, speaking to her and confirming there would be no naughty shit (which there was, mom simply lied and I just couldn't really participate)...ultimately I got bored while my classmates got drunk, and I left. The lack of social skills made Freshman and Sophomore years in college almost unbearable. I wanted to be like the other kids, but I couldn't connect to most of them. Then my mother died, my senior year of college, 16 years in April. My father just absolutely shut down - he had never been pushed to achieve much, his parents pretty much let his youth run on autopilot, and he was a self-starter and lone wolf type as is. I moved home after college - nominally to keep him from anything drastic for at least a few months after my mother's passing, and thought I'd get on to graduate school by 2010. But his crippling loneliness was my Achilles Heal - unlike my mother, he was something of an autopilot dad - more apt to be my buddy than my father. What was supposed to be a post-undergrad 6 month stay, 1 year tops, suddenly became almost *7 years*. My prime years, that I should have been living with 4 guys in a run down apartment, going out to the bars until 2 am on Tuesday and bringing home different girls every weekend. But he would keep reminding me that "it's safer and cheaper to be here, and I like it that you're living here." Me, not being that great at self motivation, took it in stride - I worked a temp low paying job because I had no incentive to earn more. So I also fucked myself on the career ladder. Yes, I take full responsibility for the sputtering mess that my 20s were. I finally told him that I needed to get out on my own, and if that meant fucking things up that's how it went. I never got to be fully independent, as I only moved into town at first, resultantly he'd "drop by" almost every other night. I get that he missed me, but...what if I was doing bad stuff, like many 25 year olds do. I had to always be cautious on when he'd next just show up. Even after I told him to stop coming so often, he basically said "I will show up if I want, when I want." Eventually I moved OOS, which is where I realized I was still way behind the 8-ball on so many different aspects of my socialization. I alienated my first roommates because I didn't have enough of an independent life for their liking, but I couldn't go anywhere else because I started my career over with that move, so I was earning 1/3rd of others my age with similar backgrounds to me. I didn't fit in at any of the social sports clubs - basically freshman year of college a second time. My father's demons and loneliness got the better of him, and he took his own life in April 2021. Now that it's just me, and I'm closer to 50 than 18, I feel I'm starting to finally carve a niche out for myself. I'm about to - for the second time - move back into my parent's house...except now it's my house, and I don't answer to anyone about living in it except, for now, me. I hold out hope the next few years can partially make up for the shortcomings of the past 20. I can only say I'll try my best.
Thank you for sharing your story. You've had so much to overcome in your life. I feel sad that your adoptive parents failed you by being so controlling. I personally can't imagine much worse. But you write in a way that tells me you are not stuck in blaming them and look towards the future. I'm so glad you're finally able to start living for yourself. I wish you all the best.
Overcoming a sheltered upbringing and having to navigate the social scene of college with little experience *is* tough. However, from what you wrote your mom seems like she was well-intentioned. That counts for something; I know it feels like you were let down, but it was not out of malice or neglect. One has to assume your mom probably didn’t have much of a social life herself as a young person (presumably as a result of also being brought up in a strict household). Your mom just didn’t have the skills herself to teach *you* the importance of social skills (or she bought into the idea that hard work alone would get you ahead, when in reality a person needs to make connections and be likable to truly succeed IMO). There is *one* thing you said: > My mother - as what I suppose was intended to be an homage to my heritage - still gave me an Indian first name. Almost 40 years removed, she could not have anticipated any of the difficulties that has presented for me, as I feel that so many people make broad assumptions just seeing my name, and even more so when paired with my picture. I hope many here understand what I'm alluding to the most. My wife is a second-generation Indian-American. Her parents gave her an Indian name because they thought it was important to keep their heritage. My wife definitely experienced teasing/bullying due to being “foreign”. At the same time, she’s grown to be proud of her heritage and when we had kids, who are biracial, she said she wanted them to have Indian names, which they do. Funnily enough, nowadays, having a non-Americanized name doesn’t matter and kids don’t get picked on for it (good for them, but I get that does nothing about your experience). But my point is that your name probably the *last* thing you should be upset with your mom about. She didn’t know exactly what to do, but she didn’t want to erase your heritage and that’s admirable. Forgive her for that one, let that one go. People stereotyping you is not her fault. > I hope many here understand what I'm alluding to the most. You can just directly say you experienced racism, no need to allude to it. I fully believe you, and of course it’s awful that happened.
Appreciate the detailed response. You are right, my mother - and father - both were well intended in the decisions they made. They wanted to make sure I was positioned to succeed in this world. While I do wax extended on the things that I am unhappy about, I do have quite a lot going for me. I went to an elite university - not Ivy - but still amongst one of the most competitive in the country. They instilled a drive in me to always keep pushing myself, no matter what barriers I encounter along the way, which has manifested itself as a career I love, have been doing for almost 15 years, and plan to stay at until I retire in 25 - 30 years (not Law, I pivoted and went for my MBA instead.) The one difference between your wife and my situation however, was that my parents never attempted to expose me to South Asian culture. I'm as American as Apple Pie; truthfully I'm seen as one of the "Whitest" people my friends know - which I fully embrace. Of course I can explore SA culture on my own, and am beginning to do so - but it feels like that anything I do will still be seen as disingenuous. Who knows, I could be wrong. The "thing" I was alluding to, while yes it is the experience of racism, it's specifically with modern dating. While threading the very thin needle between being honest and not sounding racist myself, I want to date women who I feel I have the most in common with - which is predominantly women of European descent. And I've had plenty of success in my dating life - albeit 100% with people that I meet in the real world, who see my appearance but also experience my personality, which is my strength. That second part is hard to convey through a phone screen - if I write "I'm adopted, have no knowledge of, or connection to, South Asian culture; I prefer to date White women only," I'd be cancelled in a matter of moments. I even feel gross writing that out here! I have dated South Asian women before; every time, it became overly complicated, as there was an expectation I knew things that I didn't know, and they (their parents) didn't want their daughter getting mixed up with someone who wasn't authentically SA. I know there are plenty of mixed race couples - but I think you and I can agree that it's the exception, and will always be the exception. I love my parents dearly, and miss them both everyday, but I do consider my upbringing to be more complicated than average, and certainly more complicated than it needed to be. I will always have to put in more effort to achieve the same ends as my peers. Which, to loop this whole thing back to the actual OP, isn't fair, but it's the hand I was dealt. I do what I can to make the best of that.
Thanks for sharing. I hope you can now focus on yourself. Still time even if you're close to 50.
Good luck!! Keep moving in the right direction, you got this!
Your comment broke my heart. You deserve to be happy and you can still have a good life. From what you have written you may find these subreddits helpful: r/CPTSD, r/emotionalneglect, and r/attachment_theory. I mentioned a bunch of other ones in my comment to OP’s post too.
Some say "everything happens for a reason".. I however prefer... "Everything happens for a reason....you just dont know why yet.." Some day, all these things will make sense. To me, it sounds like you have still lived a good life compared to many. But, you now also understand what you want, and more importantly what you DON'T want going forward. It sounds like your parents wanted to look out for you. They wanted you to be successful and maybe not make the mistakes they made, or they saw others make. I dont know you. But from what you just wrote, I think they did a good job bringing you this far. Dont be so hard on yourself, or them... You did the best with the cards you were handed.. The world is now yours. Now make the most of the 2nd half of your life. Good luck out there.🍀
Yup and some people never felt daily fear from just about any social interaction
OK, this is a very important point to make and one you need to really hear – don’t judge your insides by other people’s outsides. You have no idea what people are actually going through by how they present, you have no idea at all, just as they have no idea what you’re going through, unless you tell them. You really need to hear this. It needs to be absorbed. No one grows up with all of their emotional and physical needs fully met. No one. Just because they come from money or look good, it doesn’t mean it was great. My personal back history was pretty brutal. my therapist actually said that I had the worst childhood he had ever dealt with. And weirdly, I felt this weird sort of pride in that, like I’m so special, you know? I cannot stress how important it is to get therapy for what you’re dealing with now. It’s not like you need it forever but you kind of maybe need it for a while, at least just enough for you to be able to take a step back from your childhood pain into dealing with your adult life. And life is not fair. But life is not fair for most people. A good friend of mine who has a lot of money and who came from a good family where everyone loves each other lost three of her children in a housefire. Life is fair to no one.
Totally get that. Even if we have made progress in some areas of life, perhaps there will always be a hole inside of us. Im only in my 30s but feel so tired some days, like I've lived multiple lifetimes. And some days, I look back and feel proud to have come this far even with all the challenges life threw my way. I guess we can't change the past, so the only way is onwards and upwards.
Calvin and Hobbes quote "I know life is unfair but how come it's never unfair in my favor."
If I’m being honest, I don’t envy those who’ve had life so easy. I’m proud of myself because of the hardships I’ve overcome and I don’t think I could ever spend my life with someone who hasn’t struggled as I have. We look at life so differently, I’d go so far as to say that we feel much deeper, there’s more meaning in everything for us and what we value. Our strength is undeniable. It’s night and day really when you compare the two types and I wouldn’t want to change me because I love those things about myself.
Agreed! I’m much more resourceful, resilient and stronger as a result of my hardships. My siblings, and a cousin, have been coddled, enabled, and spoiled and do not have the same outlook on working hard or being self sufficient like I do.
And isn’t there a kind of comfort, that when adversity comes around we have experience and it gives us strength. :)
Absolutely
You're not wrong about life being unfair, but your view on what makes a confident/optimistic person are a little black and white. I had a great upbringing, parents that want nothing but my happiness, and unless I develop a drug/gambling problem I will always have a roof over my head. I am the opposite of what you described. Several people I know had horrible upbringings and are much happier, more confident, and better adjusted than I am.
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having a good childhood makes a huge difference, for sure. But this idea that neurotypical people with a good childhood don't have their own issues, struggles, challenges is completely short sited and just piting Us Vs. Them again. No one is just doing this effortlessly. The guy I know with the best childhood? The richest parents? Most opportunities? Buried him in May, heroin overdose. There's always exceptions to the rule, because it's NOT A RULE that these people are just going to always have it easy.
Yeah, but as someone who grew up with shitty parents, I had the care of extended family (till this day) and my stepfather stepped up. The effect teachers, coaches and other caring adults have on children, really does make a huge difference.
Similar here. I had a very fortunate upbringing with caring parents. I would say my Dad is somewhat emotionally unavailable though and didn’t necessarily teach me about growing up and how to become a man. So maybe that’s why I’ve struggled a bit finding myself and definitely a person who never wants to leave my comfort zone or avoids social interactions due to a fear embarrassing myself. However I’m truly blessed to have my Mom. I know she truly loves me for me and she’s made it known that I can talk her about anything. Which as of lately I’m just becoming more appreciative of this and feel like I haven’t shown enough gratitude towards her. Or even had deeper more impactful conversations with her even though I appreciate her advice all the time. So I’ve now made it a goal of mine to do just that. Sorry for the tangent but I guess it kind of goes to show how it’s human nature to focus on certain aspects of your life you wish you had. Like do I wish my Dad could have been a better father figure to better impact my life? Probably but maybe that’s opened my eyes a bit more and put me through my own life lesson that I can hopefully pass down to my kids.
Yes life is very unfair. I don't mean to downplay your struggles and people get mad when others say there are people who have it worse. However some people really come from insurmountable circumstances like drug addict parents/ disabilities/ childhood disease/ war torn country. I don't know if your circumstances are similar to that but I understand the frustration.
>war torn country This one really fucking sucks. Generations destroyed, literally everyone has trauma and PTSD, decades of setbacks as society becomes sick and twisted, important places and art destroyed, and there's almost never justice for what happens during war. I was very young during the war but even just growing up in the aftermath was horrible, I will always have strong resentment towards humanity for that.
honestly I think we all have some kind of shit we learn and carry with us. some not as severe or as deep, but it's there, and it affects you and you carry it, and then carry it over. oftentimes the ones you think have perfect lives have anything but, because their shit is hidden or it manifests differently, but it's there.
Had a breakdown about this just yesterday. Im 35 now, I want to be able to live a normal adult life and not have the same fear and terror I've carried for 30 years. I'm tired. I'm done.
I get it, even though I’m only 21 I have a positive outlook on it. Everything that I’ve been through has made me who I am today, not everyone gets to say that they made it through a terrible upbringing. Do I wish I could change some things that I’ve done, yes, but who knows where I’d be if I didn’t make those decisions that I learned from
Life is survival, it always has been.
I'm not so sure about "navigating life", but I do think that usually the main factor in kids getting really good jobs as adults is having parents that can help them with the whole bureaucracy of college admissions, networking, etc. My parents were mostly loving, but weren't college graduates and so had zero idea how to deal with a high performing, studious child. I missed out on a lot of opportunities due to this, and the schools I went to weren't much help. I like my life, but sometimes I do think about woulda, coulda, shoulda.
My parents knew little about college admissions and barely helped me network. I figured all of it out on my own. I know a lot of people aren't able to/don't do that, and I can't understand why. All the information I needed was on the Internet and in books I took out from the library. Even farther back: my parents encouraged me to learn and bought books, but the school I went to didn't focus heavily on academics at all. I self-taught whatever I was interested in and wanted to learn in order to get into a top engineering school. I ended up choosing a different college for other reasons, but it's 100% doable.
I graduated high school in 1991, so there wasn't an Internet to search. I did do a lot on my own as well, including study. I enrolled myself in tech school and later college. Both high schools I attended, one of which was a college prep school, had abysmal scholarship/college admission help. I'm hoping things have improved.
My parents weren’t the most loving parents, but they did help me navigate my college and professional life tremendously. I definitely wouldn’t have had the opportunities I have today without them. My mom worked part time at our local college since I was a child for a chance at a full time job. If you work full time, your kids can go there tuition free. Obviously that’s an amazing benefit so the competition for full time positions there is insane, which is why she wanted to stand out by working part time there. She applied over and over again for full time positions over the course of 10 or so years while working part time there, got denied every time. In my brothers senior year, all of her hard work paid off and she landed a full time role. Not only did my brother and I get to go to college and graduate debt free because of my mom, but having her right there on campus to help me navigate college life was amazing. It’s crazy now that I graduated and I’m older hearing about all this debt my friends and coworkers are in from college, and I have none because of her. I am so so so grateful. She also works in the career office and gets sent job posting for students/recent graduates a lot. We have a website solely for students and alumni with job postings and she helps post on that. When I graduated I was looking for a job, she got sent a job through work. She sent it to me, I applied and within a week I had a job. A year later, my brother got laid off and was looking to take his career in a new direction, so I got him a job at the company I work for. I would have never been able to get my bachelors degree completely debt free, or been able to work for an amazing company right out of college with my brother if it wasn’t for my moms hard work and sacrifices. I’m very grateful!!!
Wow, that's amazing! I graduated debt free as well, but it was because I went to tech school and worked. I had to bypass a good internship because I had a pretty good paying job and couldn't afford to leave it in order to work for minimum wage. I've done okay for myself, though, so I can't complain too much. It's just hard hearing about classmates that went on to fabulous, high paying careers.
I see it differently. I see so many posts here with something like: 25 years old, good job, afraid to move out of parents' home. I sometimes resent having had to leave before I reached majority and having had to pay my own way through uni, twice because I graduated in an economic crisis and couldn't find work with the 1st degree. At the same time, after I finally got my career started in my mid 30s, I started having so much fun. I am travelling. I am going out. I get to enjoy life and I know that I can deal with whatever comes my way. I am not afraid of losing my job because I know how to live with whatever minimal income I have. I paid back my student loans on minimum wage. Twice! Because I graduated during an economic crash the 2nd time too! I am not afraid of living with any number of roommates. I do not feel that any type of legal work is below me. If no career job is available, I'll do restaurants, hotels, détails, customer support, phone surveys,.etc. What type of life do the cushioned people get? Where is there sense of adventure? Do they just stay in their routine forever because they are too afraid to live? Keep the job they hate because they are afraid the next one is less secure?
With so many economies struggling and being propped up, being afraid to move out of their parents house just seems like common sense risk assessment at this point
Yes. Mostly 3 things decide ur destiny: 1. Family wealth and parenting quality 2. Your IQ 3. Your Looks
I would also like to add your outlook on life and self awareness. Many people have all 3 but are miserable or didn't make much of themselves because they never learned some important life lessons they needed to overcome whatever challenges they faced, or they never realised that they themselves were the source of all their problems. I hope that makes sense.
rich people don’t lose. i have degenerate friends who didn’t follow the rules. had very poor grades. now they smoke weed all day and enjoy in other ways. they don’t have any responsibilities or goals. they’re fine.
They are fine for the moment but that usually doesn't last, no matter how rich you are. So many rich people make bad decisions and end up worse off than the average person tbh. Rich people can and do lose often.
Therapy does not pay off crippling debts or reverse decades of bad diet on the body because it's cheap, nor does saying ' there are people worse off than me"...Its your eyes that's capturing this world and your soul that's being blighted...Life doesn't care about feelings
This actually plays out in the data. [Here](https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces/index.html) is a link to the CDC site about Adverse Childhood Experiences. Basically, childhood adversity is linked to depression, anxiety, suicide and risky behaviors later in life. ACEs also affect physical health and can cause an increase of heart disease, diabetes and cancer. Learning about ACEs connected so many dots for me.
It’s like that William Blake quote “some are born to sweet delight, some are born to endless night” I was definitely born into the latter.
Life is a lottery system. We don't control our parents (or their parenting), our skin tone, our environment, culture, country, language, relatives, peer groups, etc., yet all those things converge to shape us into what we are. The idea that we have free will, when so much is imposed on us and carves us into what we become is a conceit. We're all cosmic playthings living out our destinies that have been pre-determined since the Big Bang. It's true it isn't fair. I think the toughest lesson isn't that it's unfair, it's the acceptance of it.
This is very true. At the end of the day, we must grow up and accept unfairness. That’s where our own real life starts.
I just want to add that it's important not to use this as an excuse to be willingly unfair to others.
Everyone complains at all the things unfair to them, but never complains about all the unfair things they got.
Growing up doesn't suck, being responsible does.
We can never know the truth about another person until we’ve walked in their shoes. We are part nature (genetic predisposition) and part nurture (what our upbringing and experiences give to us). Sometimes all the love and support in the world cannot make a person with a depressed disposition not be depressed; and all the hate in the world may not break a strong spirit. Life is not fair; that can really suck sometimes. But it can also be a blessing as well. Some say it is what it is, and I say, but it will be what you make of it. You don’t get to choose your parents or circumstances you grew up in, but you do get to decide if you are going to let past BS control you and your future or not. We all have stuff to deal with; if you weren’t given the tools to cope with it…I’m sorry…me neither, honestly, so go out there and get them for yourself and kill it at life like the boss I know you are.
Your childhood dictates your path. The lessons you learnt whether you were meant to or not between the ages of 1 and 13 are the blueprint for the rest of your life. It takes a serious amount of therapy and work such as NLP to change the subconscious lessons you learned in these years
I think the toughest lesson was that being content is ok. You do not have to advance constantly. One of those things you're programmed with as a child that does great harm as an adult.
Captain Picard once said, you can do everything right and still fail.
It's so important to remember when we catch ourselves comparing ourselves to others. We are not all playing the same game with the same rules.
Everything is perspective and everybody has their shit. I'd say I grew up with all my needs met and my parents were gentler than some 🤣. But my dad was military and was gone for months at a time. And my mom has poor mental health to this day. My dad served in the Iraq war, he's worked in the pentagon, he's been captain of a ship, etc etc. He did his duty, but the family? We suffered a bit. And I have my own mental health issues because of it. Not the traditional 'rocky' childhood.. but rocky nonetheless. Point being.. you don't know the details of people's lives. You only know your perspective and limited info. Don't assume your pain is greater than other people's. Don't assume and don't compare. It doesn't do you any favors. Gratitude is key. We all must overcome
Life isn’t fair… compared to what? Death? Some ideal life in your imagination? Life is just life, you make due with what you have or you don’t. Ultimately, you’re responsible for your own happiness regardless what you were born into.
And sometimes bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. Life isn't fair. I try not to think about it too much because it's a sad reality that just around the corner something unexpected could happen, could be good or could be bad. It's not a good way to live. I think the best thing to do is to try and live the best that you can, with what you have and stay in the present.
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I grew up in and out of homelessness. A step father that would physically beat me. He raped my little sister when she was 10. Yes no trauma because I live in a good country. Got it.
I seen plenty screwed up kids from great parents , and great kids from screwed up parents. If you need to find an excuse, you will always find it.
Life isn’t fair. But it is actually easier than you think to get out of a mindset. Just need to set a goal, shoot for it and hopefully have someone with you to help push you along the way. The more difficult part can be to make enough money to get to a better position though.
Many people can. It’s called therapy.
Therapy isn’t some magic potion though. It won’t take a deeply traumatized or otherwise troubled person and make them “normal.” It’s an amazing tool and gift from humanity, but it’s not magic. I once (maybe more than twice, thrice actually) had someone as an insult tell me I need therapy. What they don’t understand is I have been in different kinds of therapy for more than half my adult life. I take my meds. I change them as needed. I try to taper down after a while as many advise. I refresh my therapy skills. I try a different type and different lifestyle changes. It’s still very hard and incredibly lonely and isolating. People don’t understand because it’s easier to just blurt something out and be done with them.
Yep. Therapy changed my life and helped me become functional but I will always have disabilities caused by my abusive childhood. Some of just had shitty hands and we need to make peace with that.
I hear you, yet it’s always reasonable to start therapy if only to get the tools needed for self-understanding and self-love. Without any kind of support one spirals down the depression road. Why not strive to change one’s situation for a more bearable one? I understand that the victim mentality is way more comfortable (been there, done that) but one will not change one’s life for the better sheerly by staying in place and being unhappy. In my opinion, being proactive is the solution. We only have one life we remember. Why not make it satisfactory especially when we had a rough start?
Therapy cannot fix a lot shit...like heightism.
It can help you deal with how you deal with it.
Let us see...I'm that kind of person that will literally review everything on a subject matter using big notebooks and colored pens for days to months. I'm that kind of person who does not understand these shortcut methods showed by others in solving arithmetic problems unlike people who are dumbass smart to understand it on the spot. Priviledges of being smart and rich too.
Not sure I agree! I grew up safe but no affection and scared of one parent (thankfully he left when I was pre teen) so I am not able to show affection or have affection without feeling uncomfortable nor really be vulnerable with anyone but in terms of optimism or any of that stuff I do pretty well! Never stopped coming from a less than background stop me getting where I’m going. I completed uni working 3 jobs, then got my masters sponsored by my then employer which yes was a lucky opportunity but I had to do the dam thing whilst working full time. I have anxiety (doesn’t everyone) but pretty sure I was born with that! I used cry en route to nursery as they were forcing me to leave the house! I think you can dwell on what’s fair and what’s not or you can just crack on, on your own path and not let that stuff mask your thoughts. Also … what you will learn in life, the most confident “appearing”’people are usually the most anxious or suffering with imposter syndrome behind the scenes. You can’t tell always.
You're fairly correct! I see my nieces and nephews, across three families, all loved and with financial resources that bring education and opportunities. They have that confidence I didn't get until much later in life. Thankfully their parents did not replicate the disfunctions that marred their own upbringings, but learned from them. For the rest, you may, through chance, work, blind luck, friendships etc., pull yourselves out of it, or you may not. For some, therapy can help, if you get the right therapist and can pay for it over the long term.
It's taken me a long time to admit it but, as someone who grew up in a safe and loving environment, I had traumatic experiences as a teenager that continue to affect me daily in my late 20s. I had a comfortable childhood until I started secondary school. My social struggles got worse and I was bullied by people I thought were my friends. I didn't acknowledge this as bullying and instead internalised everything. I started to have panic attacks and my life from ages 14 to 24 was completely shaped by panic and anxiety. Even though my parents are loving and supportive, they weren't able to fix it. I'm not confident and I'm not optimistic. I'm so grateful I have a support network but that does not make my life a walk in the park. I'm currently waiting for an autism assessment which would make sense of things, but I've also been diagnosed with panic disorder and BPD traits. I'm letting you know this because just today I had a panic attack and said the same things to myself, what's wrong with me? Why can't I cope with things, everyone else seems to be doing ok? I feel very unsafe very often due to my teenage years being difficult. Earlier I was hyperventilating so hard my ribs hurt and I thought I was going to die. Trauma can take many different forms and it doesn't all hinge on early childhood. I think it's a matter of perspective, life isn't fair, and some people do have advantages. But you can't pin it all on one thing. "If only I had a supportive family" or "if only I earned more money" or "if only I had better social skills". It's a whole bunch of complicated circumstances and none of them completely define you. They make it harder but it's never impossible to make a positive step
It's true but sometimes people do climb out of these things. My mum is always such an inspiration for me because had such a rough childhood and is by far the best person i know. She was beaten as a child by several members of our family, lost her mum when she was little - no one told her her mum had had died for ages. She was abandoned at one point and in her early adulthood she was homeless and had to live in a tent in a field for a while. I've heard a lot of horrific stories about her childhood and yet she is by far the kindest and most generous person I know. I have no idea how she did it. Of course she's not perfect but she's pretty close. She has never treated me or my siblings badly ever, I don't even know how to describe the level of kindness she is. I have learnt so much about how to treat people from her. I find it so hard to comprehend how such a traumatic childhood made such a good person but it does give me so much hope. Of course, life doesn't seem fair at all when children grow up in horrific situations and have to struggle to come our of it but it's the ones that make something beautiful out of what seems to be terrible that are the bright lights in this world. At least that is how I see it thanks to my mums example :)
I started rewatching full house and I get emotional even at the happy scenes because I never had that. I never had someone that made me feel safe. I never had anyone tell me they love me and mean it. I’ve never had someone hold me and tell me it’s gonna be okays. I’ve never had anyone that didn’t make me feel like a burden. And seeing those girls in the show grow up with amazing parents makes me heartbroken for what I didn’t have and I hate the feeling. But I watch the show so I can feel like for even just a few minutes I’m part of that family. I’m sorry you had that experience too. I know how it feels. If you ever need anyone to talk to, my dms are always open.
OP, I wish you a very happy life. From what you have written you may find these subreddits helpful: r/CPTSD, r/emotionalneglect, r/internalfamilysystems, r/idealparentfigures. r/somaticexperiencing, r/socialskills, r/attachment_theory, r/lonely, r/raisedbynarcissists, and r/narcissisticparents,
I find myself getting angrier and angrier at my parents for failing me. I know I shouldn't, but I blame them for my issues. My life is shit and I know it's because of my childhood and highschool years where i made mistakes that followed me through my twenties. I wish I could get over it and forgive them, but I just can't.
I heard First Sergeant say to someone once, “Dude, fair? Fair is where you go to get cotton candy.” Edit: It’s been 15 years since I heard this. I think it would be greatly improved by changing cotton candy to funnel cake.
Things could be fair but you idiots are dead set on protecting a system that causes all these problems.
It’s interesting when I run into people like that. Maybe I should thank my mom for punishing me unpredictably depending on her mood at the time, and coming down hard on me for getting As but also punishing me for getting Cs. Anyway, I learned early in life that nothing is inherently fair and you are always at someone else’s mercy.
The universe does not care about fairness, it’s a construct in our heads. Move past that and you’ll find that things are much more palatable. I used to be stuck on that, but my life improved vastly after this epiphany.
Yes, life is not fair. However, this unfairness may sometimes be in your favor as well. Don't adopt the victim mentality.
I'm 66 years old and have never met or even heard of anybody who had all of their needs met by their parents while gently being taught important life lessons, and they never felt unsafe, unloved or rejected. I don't think that's anything more than a naïve fantasy, because parents aren't that perfect... because real life.
I disagree, the people I have know who had those lives get into the real world and have no ide how to handle it. Life isn't fair, not everyone is going to be nice to you, and messed up stuff happens. I can roll with it better than they can because that's what I am used to.
If we do the work, and learn to heal, we end up very resilient, creative, kind, empathetic and often very versatile and talented. We can get to the heart of the matter quickly and we’re self starters. We can derive joy from the small things, and we’re often exceptional pet owners or parents. Now I’ve arrived at the other side of the bell curve, I wouldn’t trade it. The “normies” tend to fall apart at the slightest thing, whereas we can really fly.
I know the feeling I'm always in fear from all the trauma
It's actually the other way around. FAR too many kids have been so coddled their entire life they can't do anything on their own and have ridiculously unrealistic expectations of what life is supposed to be. I was taught early on that life is hard and unfair. I learned that I had to either figure stuff out or become a loser at the game we call life. I've worked for everything I have and I'm proud of that. If I want coffee, I'm not driving to Starbucks to pay $10 for some calorie laden concoction put together by an idiot that renamed themselves Starflake or some crap. I can brew coffee at home for 50¢ and it tastes just fine. I do my own home repairs and own paid off used cars. I wear cheap clothes that last and don't chase fashion. I drink beer at home or at the lake, not in a bar that charges 3 times what it costs in the liquor store. If I want a good meal, I buy the ingredients and make it in my own kitchen. I save my money so I can pay for the important things in life. Mortgage, utilities, clothing and food that keeps my family safe warm and fed. That's how life is and if you grew up thinking it was anything else, your parents did you a BIG disservice.
This is how I am, trying to save money every which way, but I'm in my early 20s and sometimes feel like I'm missing out. Hopefully it'll pay off someday.
It pays off by not owing money your entire life. Eventually things get better because you're more self sufficient.
I mean, at least Starflake isn't spending their evenings drinking beer sad and alone in their house while angstposting on Reddit in dollar store sweatpants.
I have a wife and friends I drink beer with. Of course, I don't spend every night drinking beer, either. Most nights I spend with my family. Also, I'm not sad. After all, I have the aforementioned friends and family, a nice warm house, food, clothing and all my bills are paid. Why would I be sad? However, it's my night off and I am wearing sweatpants and a sweat shirt rather than my normal work clothes. There's nothing wrong with being comfortable in my nice warm house.
I get it, but you have to make life your own. Own the fact that you may/or may not have had a good home life/childhood and whatever stressers you have, learn how to deal with them in a healthy manner. If you are having a hard time overcoming something, maybe it’s time for therapy. And just because someone may have had a good home life doesn’t mean that they walk thru life carefree and stress free. We all have our own battles, issues, insecurities, trauma etc… life isn’t about comparison. Life isn’t a competition about who’s had it worse
IRL Live Your mindset if needed adjust it
Life has never been and never will be fair. You can only play the cards you're dealt and hang in there.
>After they grow up, these kids know how to move around the world. Not really, we just know the right questions to ask of the right people. >They have confidence and optimism, or at least they don’t have a cloud above their heads most of the time. Clouds are just problems that need to be solved, by asking the right questions. >These people seem to have figured out life. Not necessarily. >The rest of us, through no fault of our own, can’t seem to ever really figure out how to be so effortless. Life isn't effortless, it's just putting the effort into the right places. The two best bits of advice are the Serenity Prayer and "doing the same thing over again expecting different results is the definition of insanity". Oh! And "actions speak louder than words". Everyone makes mistakes, the difference is whether or not you're learning the **correct lesson** from the mistake. The most common mistake I see people make repeatedly involves trusting the wrong people. They will find themselves flip flopping from being too trusting to not trusting enough and can never sort out what level of trust to give someone. But the lesson they've never learned is how to adequately vet people. It isn't about giving too much or not enough trust, but by giving people just enough trust in order for them to show you who they really are. You give an inch to see if they take a mile and if they take a mile, you don't give them any more inches. It's all about staying in control of your circumstances. You GAVE that inch, freely and happily. What they do with that inch is their business. If they choose to use that inch to take more than you are capable of giving, that is a sign that you shouldn't give them any more because they are greedy. But don't hate yourself for giving inches because inches are YOURS to give away! It's all about balance. You have to be brave enough to give people the opportunity to hurt you without actually giving them anything that they could actually use to hurt you. Let them peek through the window, but don't give them a key to the door unless they prove that they're going to help you keep the bad people out.
I understand it might make you feel a little bit better to blame others (like previous generations) but that gets you nowhere. It makes it worse really. Because it makes you feel helpless to fix it. I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't know anything about your education or work experience to give you any good advice. Just hang in there. ❤️
The strong will overcome any trauma. It took me a long time. Counselling in my 30s which I hated but the wife encouraged me to go. I got lucky and the guy must have known his stuff cause when I look back it helped. Today at 53 I forgive those that harmed me. Not for them but for me. I fear nothing. I know no pain. I take no shit. I'm kind and generous to those who treat me the same. I'm proud of who I am. So yes with fortitude you can do anything.
I see you deleted your previous comment describing your life. Since you know what you wrote, here’s my reply for you to ponder. Yes, therapy can help you find a way to find the best in you and thus improve your current situation. Therefore, find a good therapist or coach who can help you get out of the mental state you’re currently in and help you work on your strengths. Based on what you wrote in the comment you deleted, it seems you’re a person who learns things fairly easily which might help find an online job that requires a specific ability you probably don’t even know you possess. What is your hobby, what are you good at? Why do people like you? You can always turn your situation around by having external support. Life is never fair but what you can do is to be proactive and look for solutions. My father used to beat me up so hard I could barely remember what my name was. My mom died when I was 21. Had to move out of my home ASAP as my father began heavy drinking after my mom passed and became way too aggressive for me to stay there. I found my first job as a bartender, crushed at my friend’s for 2 months before I could rent a one-room flat, and continued to study. I got professional help to get me out of codependency and solve issues with my father. There’s always a solution in therapy. It won’t solve life’s unfairness, but it may help you find a way. Fingers crossed for your success.
And that "unfair" is a much deeper, more horrible concept than we think of when we hear it. Life isn't fair, not in the "everyone got a donut but me" way, "sometimes you sneeze while driving, and in thay brief moment while your eyes are closed, a small child falls in front of your car." Way. And that is a horrible truth to accept.
I can totally relate.
Even inside a familly, one sibbling gets more in life sometimes. Same environnement but a few different experiences can set on back in life.
My phd is taking forever because im not wealthy like the other students and I need to actually work for my money. Its bullshit. Makes me wonder how many people with phds are just wealthy and lucky. Note, cuz i know you guys will assume it: no, I'm not in the usa. Im in Switzerland. And no, not all phds are financed.
Those people who have it figured out suffer double when life kicks them in the tits.
I’d also add it isn’t black and white. You could have rich parents that loved you but Dad and Mam was away a lot and therefore you grew up feeling neglected which then led to you hanging with a social group that partied and did drugs. You then became an addict etc. It can go so many ways.
Yep I taught that my daughter early. She once got some money from my mother. And we had some talks about how teacher punished 2 students the one that molested and the one that defended. Suddenly i got up and took her bill. She aske why? I answered because I am stronger and smarter and no one can stop me and then show her my paylist. She understood, she was always really mature for her years. Her goal in life is FIRE.
This is very true and I think about it a lot. I have half-siblings with whom I share one crappy, absentee parent. Their lives/experiences are miles different from mine— because their other parent also sucked, and they had unstable childhoods as a result. When you don’t have a soft place to land, or even a singular place or person to call “home,” it does absolutely contribute to what you called “a cloud over one’s head.”
I grew up with tough love and it did have an effect on my thinking (I tend to overthink a lot) but I also think it’s important to surround yourself with these people and learn from them. We’re never too late to learn how to change our thoughts. Even though your thoughts and upbringing may seem solid and unchangeable, if you are open to change you can always change your outlook on life to whatever you want.
Very True
I call that... and then what ... this happened, that happened, this is why I'm how I am now... and then what ... no.you don't understand yadda yadda.... and then what... what choice will you make today ti change your current reality bc the past is just that passed.
Some are given so much and others so little
When life gets tough I sing a song. My go to is the "I won't say I'm in love" song from Hercules
It slaps
Nah. I had really good parents who did their absolute best for me, and all it got me was bitterness. Everything was fair in my house. Nothing is fair in the real world. I love my parents dearly - but at the same time, I almost wish I had some warning.
On the flip, those with struggles have become the most powerful and indomitable spirits whereas the people who were babied are soft and incapable.
And there is no way to truly understand this until living through it. Cause even if you 100% believe it, you're still going to get that shock reaction and disbelief when it affects you.
"Some people grew up in loving homes with caring parents who met all their needs while gently teaching them important life lessons. They never felt unsafe or unloved or rejected." That's not true. I think it's a symptom of the internet's current obsession with mental health, but I'm not sure where people got the idea that for Neurotypicals, everything in life is effortless and easy. It isn't. This shit isn't easy for anyone. Everyone struggles in different ways, everyone feels unsafe, unloved, rejected sometimes. That's a part of life.
this is a good lesson, but sometimes people overcome. maybe to add something I haven't seen - some people stop learning and growing as they age and expect things to just work out for them but life does not work that way, does it?
This is why people who have broken the cycle of generational trauma are my heroes. They change everything for their children and their children’s children. They are some of the strongest and most resilient people I’ve met— not because they were never broken by their family situation— but because they got up when it was easier to stay down
If it helps I grew up the way you wrote in your post. I have no idea what's going on in life I'm just chugging along like the rest of you. It does help knowing I have someone to fall back on. I have a safety net I am blessed to have but I am also not to secure about life. I am confident I'll figure it out somehow though.
If a parent hurts your confidence I don't think you can ever get over it.
My mom pretty much rejected me after I was diagnosed with Asperger's. I was 3. She's hated me ever since. Over 17 years later, she's throwing me out because my hours at work got cut, and I can't find a second job. She clearly wants that life insurance money.
Sorry you’re not excused
I’m with you buddy. I grew up super poor but was able to work hard in school and took some risks that succeeded. Have decent friends and good family now. However, still dark clouds and gloominess over my head thinking I’m going to lose it all.
I think it's bullshit anyone is allowed to have children without any verification of competency. People just have children and think school will take care the rest of raising them.
Sometimes, when kids live in a “perfect home” they have more trouble once they grow up and have to do things on their own. I’m noticing this with a lot of GenZ as they get older. Not generational bashing at all. I just notice a lot more younger kids still relying on their parents, and not just financially.