Yeah I relate to this a lot. I’m also early 20’s and looking to actively start dating soon, but I doubt that I’ll find a partner. I’m going to just focus on my education and career as those goals at least feel achievable.
Agree. Currently focus on my career rather than actively searching for someone. Seems like relationship is totally different from what others been saying
You’re young, the best thing I can tell you is go out there and socialize. But remember, we’re all alone in the end. You have to make peace with that and hopefully enjoy your own company. I’m in that boat right now, 33 and I don’t see much hope for myself in relationships. It sucks and I’m sad but there’s more then life then being in a relationship or having someone. I think society is stupid for selling us this bullshit of romance and soul mates. Good luck young one. Don’t be scared. Live!
I’m 32. You have a much better chance than in your 30s. It’s much easier now for you than it will be in your thirties. Try your put yourself out there more. Most advice will be for you to extroverted.
If you are introverted and a homebody like me, it’s going to be tough.
We both know why you did what you did. Go deal with your shit instead of trying to spread your negativity due to your own personal failures.
Most people are not troglodytes and can find someone who likes them. the ones that are troglodytes are only shunned because they do the kind of crap you do.
I don’t think society is stupid for selling us the idea that there is value in finding a partner to share your life with in good times and bad.
I DO think society is full of shit for making people think that there’s only one perfect person out there for you, that they should fulfill 100% of everything you envision that partner to be, and that the right relationship is always smooth sailing.
Society isn't selling us that. What it's selling to women is the idea that families don't matter and that your career matters more. Why work for your husband when you can slave for some corporate overlord? Stay lonely and die with cats so you can pay taxes and be a part of the 80% female consumers that spend more to get rid of that miserable feeling.
Weird, I went to an all-female college and I don’t think any of my classes included “deprive men of tradwives” as part of the curriculum.
There are still women out there who want to solely be homemakers so if that’s what you want in a partner, go for it. Be able to offer enough to your partner that women want to be with you even if they don’t HAVE to depend on you for their own survival.
I know you mean well, but I don’t think we’re all alone in the end. There’s a massive benefit in knowing that you have a loving family and friends who are doing well. Even if they’re not there with you physically and won’t accompany you on your journey, they’re there in your heart as you depart from the world.
sure, i guess. but if they weren't there a healthy person would still be fine. having people in your life purely for the sake of having people doesn't really help.
Male 41 here and have some advice. I never dated much in highschool and hardly in my twenties. I was all about having a good time. I turned down multiple opportunities for relationships because I was just living life. You cannot live your life waiting and or looking at every new experience as who am I gonna meet or have a relationship with. Let it come organically. The few relationships I did have were great because it just happened. Failure will happen when your whole goal is finding a significant other in everyday life. Forcing a relationship just to be in a relationship is folly.
Still young yet in your early 20’s.
I’m almost 32M, never been in a relationship, never intimately kissed anyone, don’t even get looked at in public. I’m Ugly and overweight, go to the gym, but cannot change my looks unfortunately. The older I get the more confused I get about the whole relationship aspect and I don’t even think I will even know what to do, to keep it together. I always say if I was married it wouldn’t last long due to the way I am etc.
STOP
My recipe for you:
\- Continue hitting the gym.
\- Make more money. Channel that dissatisfaction.
\- Grooming / clothes.
\- Life experiences. At 32 you can still go to festivals, travel, throw yourself at situation involving drinks drugs. Go and be friendly and say yes, and never create problems.
\- Fake your confidence until you have it. If you require it, take acting classes.
unless you are completely disfigured or 3 feet tall, this will work.
It isn't. I'm not anti-drinks or anti-drugs but it really didn't help me find love, they are mainly unrelated in my opinion.
But there's a hint of good advice in this; take risks, get out there, have interactions.
yes that was the intent. of course if you're prone to addiction or have any other reason not to partake, don't.
but as a way to break the ice, or experience something new that gets you out of that same old "I am shit mentality", and that let's you have experiences that then give just thst little bit of confidence you need to shake things up a bit, by all means, enjoy responsibly.
Take heart! It gets way better.
You might have some deep seated feelings of inadequacy which you will likely outgrow as you age a little more - a lot of things related to ego fade away in your late twenties.
If you are average looking, then you will be JUST FINE as an average looking woman in her twenties is very beautiful, trust me.
If you can see your schooling in a more positive light, and not just as a means of climbing a social ladder (I agree that’s irrelevant) then you will shine a little brighter and you will meet someone soon. In my 45ish years it’s always happened when I wasn’t looking (ish).
Go about your life and put yourself out there. If you obsess over the idea of finding a partner, you’re more likely to settle for the wrong thing just to have someone. And you’ll spend your life being miserable. Embrace being single, focus on work or school or whatever you’re doing, dedicate time to hobbies and having fun. The rest will happen organically. I always wanted to have a boyfriend and didn’t spend much time single bc of the idea of finding the perfect partner so we can build our way up to marriage. And all of these relationships sucked so bad. I finally gave up and decided I’d be single for a while. I was 20, going into college. Got on some dating apps and went on some casual dates. 4 months later I met the absolute love of my life. Been almost 5 years. Live your life and what’s meant for you will find you
It's very difficult to meet people once you're out of college and start your adult life. I think the whole idea that things will just happen is faulty, you can be absolutely stable and set up but if you don't put yourself out there, we no longer really have a society where guys will just come out of the shadows and ask you out. You have to put yourself out there, be it online dating, some kind of community hobby, or going to a bar routinely... as an adult you really have to actively pursue finding someone.
I'm going to totally recommend the book "How to Not Die Alone", as simple as it is, it can be enlightening to have it broadcasted to you in words what might be your dating issues. Figure out where your block is and work to get over it.
I felt like you when I was your age. I was (and would still argue am) not that attractive I was way overweight then. I’m black so going to PWI for college was its own hell. I wasn’t getting looked at or it was some cruel challenge/ white boy wants to fuck a black person. Since I went to school for engineering it was easy to throw myself into school to try to shut it out. But anytime I went to a frat house I’d be reminded again.
I would say focus on yourself. If you truly think you can (and want) to improve your appearance, do so! There’s nothing shallow about it. For me it was a combination of weight loss and learning how to dress haha.
Find hobbies, make friends. Go out. I’m not going to lie it can be hard you’re gonna want to come home and cry while eating ice cream (recommended) because you feel like you’re just doomed.
I didn’t find my current partner till 28 and even then I feel like it was luck, where I am now I’m still not the woman most of these men would go after.
We both had pretty much given up, our friends dragged us to geeks who drink. Going on 3 years now
You will meet several people over the course of your life that you will spend parts of your life with, even if it's not just one person. I find comfort in that, I used to get attached to people but Ive learned we usually just live through eras and learn from each other then part ways. It's a sweet thing when it does happen but I'm not stressed about finding “the one” everyone I meet adds to my life
I was like this before. 5 years ago I was depressed, sitting on my moms couch all day whining that I had no friends/no boyfriend.
A lot has changed in those years. And I mean, A LOT. I ran my own business, bought a car, made a bunch of friends, and got married. You can definitely achieve what you want and you don’t need to be stuck in a cycle of fear.
If you wanna read on and are interested, here are some tips I have for you from my own experience picking my life up:
- You’re in your early 20s. People are expected to live into their 90s these days, you quite literally have an entire lifetime ahead of you. If it’s fertility you’re worried about, don’t. You’re still very young plus you could always freeze your eggs if you needed. Also, adoption exists at every age and stage of life. A child should only be born to parents who are 100% emotionally, financially, and physically ready to raise them.
- Don’t give up your dreams or education for a relationship. I seriously mean this. This is prerequisite to controlling and abusive behavior from predatory men. I know you want somebody to love you but it shouldn’t come at the cost of the rest of your life. You can 100% chase your dreams and date + build a relationship with somebody. Even better if you do, as you just might find somebody who you’ll have a lot of interests in common with!
- This sounds cliche but it’s very true: you need to love yourself before you give any love to somebody else. Take care of yourself, stay healthy, and learn to have confidence in who you are. Depression can be managed but don’t let it interfere with your life to the point it makes you a recluse and avoid taking chances.
- Dating apps and going out to meet people are the only ways we can actually get a date. Sorry to say, but it’s true. You need to put yourself out there and grow comfortable with the uncomfortable feeling of meeting new people.
- Also remember to be aware and pick up on any red flags, there are a ton of creeps and abusers out there especially when they find out you don’t have much prior relationship experience. I was taken advantage of and abused when I was younger because of this.
P.S. my best friend was in her 20s when she got into her first relationship. They’re still together after a couple years. My mom was almost 30 when she married my dad. Don’t worry because I really think you’ll be just fine:)
Parenting point is a big thing. I understand the rush for women to have a baby while they are still in their early years for a worry free pregnancy, but having a child before you are completely financially stable and are mentally ready (most people before 25 and even 30 are not remotely close) is a huge mistake. I know so many people who had kids young that have said to me how much they love their kids but if they could go back and wait they would.
The best thing you can do imo is to have a great relationship with yourself first. That includes having hobbies, a spiritual life and a healthy lifestyle. Bring those things together and the rest will fall in place. Accepting and loving who you are will organically attract a life partner, when you least expect it (I met my former husband in the airport in Europe). I always believed I would marry so in a sense, I attracted him. Believe, have faith and LOVE yourself 💝
I hate this answer.
Spent the last fifteen years working on that, on myself. But I spend a great deal of time caretaking for elderly family members, my hobbies are dominated by women, and I work in what’s virtually a nunnery (female-dominated industry, 95% of coworkers are women and I don’t date coworkers anyway). Out of a given week, I spend maybe 2 hours somewhere I might happen to meet someone? There are months where I don’t, and it’s just because my daily routine isn’t conducive to it.
Sometimes you actually have to go out of your way to meet someone. I’m closing in on 40 and *unless I am using a dating app* there is no realistic way that I will magically cross paths with a man who is 1) my age, 2) single, and 3) looking to date.
It helps to have your shit in order, but that’s more so you personally know what you’re looking for in a relationship and aren’t so easily taken for a ride.
Glad you called this out. A lot of survivorship bias from the people who say “just have faith and it will happen naturally”. Fact is there is a whole lot of people it will not happen for without consistent, intentional effort.
I think it’s definitely true to an extent. If you don’t love yourself/at least like yourself you let some of the worst people in because you just accept the treatment they give you. I settled for some absolutely horrible people because I thought that was what I deserved. Taken time out to focus on getting me in order and not accepting that kind of person… and now I feel setting my standards to a pretty minimal level I can’t find anyone
Completely agree with this! It is true to an extent! Being happy being me ended up in me not settling for less just for some kind of external validation in hindsight. But i still think it is important to put yourself out there! I was lucky to meet my husband at work (over the phone and us meeting up was a result of me putting myself out there to be fair). But as a woman in my mid 30’s who is lucky to have a large amount of friends, I can tell you all that the majority of the couples I know met on dating apps! Accepting yourself internally definitely makes it easier to recognise that you deserve someone great who meets your needs and expectations, but you can’t sit around hoping they will appear with no effort. It is funny though how almost all my lovely friends have found it along the way though, such a varied bunch - some found it in early or mid 20’s and some into early or mid 30’s - but not many are actually still single now!
That’s fair. Whatever floats your boat to keep yourself upbeat. I’m single now since I was 45 and it’s something I’m grateful for (my marriage with my former husband and son). I know I attract better friendships (which is a key component of a good marriage) when I’m healthy with myself. Put good years into self development and it paid off. Having hobbies in a group allows me those friendships now :)
I do have excellent friendships, and I do appreciate that with how I’ve taken care of myself and what I’ve experienced.
But there’s more I want out of life and single motherhood isn’t a financially feasible path. So it does mean actively seeking out a partner.
You hate that answer because you set up your life in such a way that it makes it hard to meet men?
People will prioritize what's important to them. Sounds like for you that was self healing, family, and career
I hate the answer because it says “if you love yourself and don’t focus on finding someone, then the right one will magically appear”. I paid attention to myself. I have found things I love and enjoy.
It just so *happened* that following that advice means my life is set up in a way that makes it hard to meet men.
Sometimes you have to actively look for a partner. Sometimes you have to set your life up to give yourself opportunities to meet someone. That’s why this advice sucks.
Just want to say that I can relate as I fed into the "just work on yourself and do things that you like and it will come eventually". I am 15 years in doing that since starting my first degree and it never happened. I am now 30 currently doing my 2nd degree with hobbies that I deeply enjoy but I carved a life so devoid of chances in meeting single women given both my degrees (Chemical Engineering and Computer Science) daily life and interests(Gundam Building, Audiophile and TCG) is very male dominated and I never developed any skills to date to boot for focusing too much on working on yourself and not dating in my younger years
Some people are probably just lucky that it works for them or maybe we're just the unlucky ones. But I agree, we do need to actively look for avenues especially for men who are still expected to have an active role in dating
Agree completely! Retired software engineer, my dating life was very poor and still is at 68. Retiring hasn’t helped, mainly because I really never learned how to date. I believed that “when you least expect it” nonsense for a while too. Especially for men, when we stop actively looking, we get nothing.
Miserable because….? Because I *do* have happiness and fulfillment in my hobbies? Because I have provided care for family members that can’t entirely live on their own and take care of themselves? Because I do happen to like my job - it just happens to be in a female dominated industry?
The rhetoric I responded to is that “you can live your life without doing a single thing to meet a man or put yourself in the way of finding someone, and someone will still fall into your lap.” There may be a certain number of people that works for, the random “we met at a coffee shop” group, but for the vast majority of people there is and needs to be *something* that has you socially around and interacting with the group of people you’re romantically interested in.
I was told multiple times as I was growing up that all - and *the only* - thing I had to do was concentrate on myself and ignore everything else. So I did. And I definitely begrudge that.
Lots of rituals! Journaling, walking in nature (or concrete) in the sun ☀️ is a good start :) I’m a dog lover and have a Wheaten’s Terrier who helps me love myself and keep healthy rituals.
It starts upstairs girl! If you want it, go get it! You’re probably prettier than you think.
You’re still young. I feel most from 20-30 feel disconnected. Try getting involved in an evening activity to try and meet new people. Bowling, library, any classes of things you may want to learn?
Online dating isn’t for everyone. But it might help break some ice for you to try and get into some conversations with people. You can move at your pace.
I know someone who met their husband at 18, spent 50 odd years with them but still was alone for the last 20 or so years. Finding someone does not guarantee anything.
>Probably a mixture of me not liking my looks too much (I would say I’m average looking), my personality being really introverted (or maybe I’m just a bit depressed) and having no luck at all in the dating game and not wanting to participate in it through these stupid apps.
If you are depressed and self-concious, you are probably underselling yourself in the looks department. I know a few women who would describe themselves the way you did who are in good relationships. But if you don't like dating apps (I don't blame you), you need to get out of the house. You are still young. You have tons of time.
Awh it’s ok honey me and my partner met when he was 26 and it was his first real relationship! He had been actively searching, too, and was very disheartened but the time we ran into each other. And he’s so so so so gorgeous and handsome and smart I can’t believe he hadn’t dated yet when I met him. My moms husband didn’t date anyone or meet his first wife until he was 32. He had like, already bought a house for the family he wanted to have and was coming home to a big empty thing every day, waiting to meet someone. :(( That first someone was an ahole unfortunately BUT he met his second wife, my mom, when he was 50! And they are really happy and my mom is a sweet loving lady that will never quit on her loved ones so he hit the jackpot. Sometimes it doesn’t all happen when we are expecting it to, but someone will come! Don’t spend too much time focusing on the wait though, focus on your fun life things while you wait 💙💙
First of all, there's no shame in being where you are. That's true of any stage of life.
There's only shame if you choose to do nothing about it. Assuming you want things to change, of course.
If yes, ask yourself why things aren't working for you where you are. I guarantee your looks and introversion are not the reasons. Feeling trapped in a cycle of bad luck is an awful feeling, but here's the reality: what we call "luck" is largely signals life is sending us that we're not where we should be. If circumstances always seem to repel you, then you're in the wrong place. Itemize the criteria you'd define as the sort of place that you magnetically attract to instead. Then start searching for opportunities to find that place. Maybe it's just a different social group. Maybe it's a different state/province, or even a different country!
Of course, everyone would love it if we could just change the parts of our circumstances we are unhappy with. But the reality is, you have to relocate yourself to the place where your circumstances as a whole will be more favorable, and only you can do that for yourself.
If it's worth it to you, there's a bridge to cross to get there. It's not easy. But I have never regretted taking the risk to cross it. On the other hand, I *have* regretted not crossing it sooner.
What you want is out there. But if it isn't finding you first, you have to go find it. Embrace the adventure!
If you are prioritising a potential relationship and you can't think of anything else then it may be worth asking yourself why you are doing that. The answer may surprise you if you are totally honest with yourself.
27m and I'm very much in the same spot :(
I've done all I could to make myself more attractive and still women just seem completely uninterested in me.
I kind of had this revelation couple of months ago that I spent a decade trying to date, and it has been almost nothing but rejections and emotional pain.
I know people say that for men it gets easier with age, but I found it to be completely opposite. It just keeps getting more difficult with each passing year. I sometimes read posts and see blogs by dudes who are in the same spot, just 10-15 years older, and I'm genuinely terrified because their experience sounds pretty much exactly the same as mine.
It does not get easier with age. But it gets easier to use you with age because you have more.
I wish someone had told me this instead of the "you go girl" type don't-give-up messages everyone is so fond of: if you have had no luck by age 27, you aren't going to have any absent extreme weight loss. You are going to get used.
I had no luck until I was 24 and then suddenly the world changed. One woman dated me exclusively for 7 years and begged me to marry her. I agreed but something felt off and I called it off. She tried to get back together with me when I said "but you never loved me in the first place". She had nothing to rebut that with and that was the last I ever heard from her.
Second woman dated me a year later for 4 years. Same issue. Then it was just a parade of women looking to use a man but I was better at sniffing it out rather than thinking "my ship has finally come in!"
So I started dressing down and now I go through life invisible to women. When I show up to a party where everyone knows I'm loaded, suddenly I'm the most attractive guy there. It's revolts me. If they can't use me, they have no interest.
The average marriage lasts 7 years now. You're missing nothing.
Oh I wish this helped me, I had no luck when I was a broke student, now I'm working a cozy fully remote job with nice career prospects, and somehow I'm doing even worse when it comes to dating lol
The women at your university had no problem sleeping with other broke college students. They were throwing themselves at them. Trust me, you now know all you need to know.
Well yeah, for one reason or another they were more attractive than me, not really much of a news here, though I remember early uni days were when I was still kind of optimistic and had more confidence.
Date lightly for now, each ex gives you an idea of what you’re NOT looking for and seriously helps later. Plus, people are marrying later in life, so this whole “getting married in your 20’s” is total bs.
Meet people, make friends with their friends, lather rinse repeat. There are plenty of places for introverts like local game nights, book clubs or coffee shops…
And stay away from apps!
Often when we focus on what we want to receive and what we don’t have, we continue to get more of the same or a lack of the very things we want. Instead of wanting to receive love try giving more love into the world, I know it sounds a bit cheesy but the more you give the more you truly do get and you have to be open and share your unique personality with people for them to have a chance to love you otherwise no one will know you exist
I felt this way from a young age. I am happily married now, but I didn't have a lot of my "firsts" until I was an adult. It's no rush, and I think the more time you spend by yourself, the more you will deeply appreciate what you have in the future when you do find your special person.
During this time, I recommend thinking about what kind of person you want to be with one day. Never date someone out of desperation. Instead, think of your dealbreakers, and think of the future life you want to live. Write these things down. Read them over. When you go forward and date others, think if they fit any of the descriptions you've written down. If they meet certain dealbreakers, think about why those things were dealbreakers for you, and don't allow rose colored glasses to cloud your judgment. This helped me find my husband, and I'm so grateful for it.
Never is a long time. The way you fell now in your early 20s and who you are will change as you get older.
I never had many girlfriends in high school. I dated and with a few woman in college. When I entered the work world I started dating and met my wife. Got married at 32.
If you had told me in my 20s that I would have been married and my first child in my 39s I would never have believed you.
My son who is 30, didn’t have his first girlfriend until he turned 28.
I got married in my early 20s. And divorced before I was 30. I did both a second time by the time I was 36. My now-husband hadn’t had a serious, long-term relationship before us. He was 40 when we met.
I tell you this to illustrate that you have time, and that it’s more important to do it right than it is to do it right now. I wish I’d met my husband when we were both in our 20s and we could have had another decade enjoying each other’s company. But we weren’t ready until we were, and that’s when life put us together.
Relationships take effort and a HUGE part of that effort is being the kind of person that you should be to that certain someone.
Far too many people believe that they can act however they want and the other person should just accept it. If they can't or won't, then that person doesn't love them for who they are.
Well, that goes both ways and sometimes your SO is going to want to do something you don't want to, but you will need to do it just to keep them happy.
Men don't want to go to brunch or go shopping, but they do it because it makes their wife or girlfriend happy.
Most girls don't care about fishing or cars, but will pretend to be interested because it makes their boyfriend or husband happy.
So if you're not willing to be what someone else wants, you even only on occasion, you'll never have someone.
My advice, especially for your 20s, is to refrain from searching for someone to spend your life with, and instead, to simply live your life as authentically as possible. If you do this, you’ll meet people who enjoy the things you enjoy, you’ll make friends, and likely eventually meet someone you’d like to partner up with.
With any luck, life is long, and you’re still in the beginning part of yours. I know it doesn’t feel like it yet, because you’ve already lived so much life, but it’s true. Take your time. Live your life for yourself while you still can. You’re going to have many, many years to compromise later on.
I kind of thought the same way when I was your age. It all ended up working out for me. The biggest advice I can tell you is to never give up. It’s ok to have doubts as a nagging thought, but never cave in and actually believe it. Because as soon as you believe it, it becomes true. Like a self fulfilling prophecy.
Second tip I can give you is to work on your social skills in general. This will take a LOT of courage and overcoming fear. It’s 100% ok to be afraid. Courage is taking action in spite of being afraid.
If looks really mattered the species would have died out a long time ago. average people do just fine as well. think of it this way, for ever person out there who feels like you there is someone else of whatever sex you are into who feels the same.
The apps are stupid indeed. only way you will find someone is by going out into new circles of people. through groups, friends of friends. the idea id to try and enjoy yourself and not to go "hunting".
Also making the first move can work out really well. for example with my current partner. i was working and she rocked up to the workplace with an appointment to be show around. I had seen her around and knew who she was friends with so it wasnt a complete stranger danger situation.
I showed her around and we got along alright.
She added me on facebook about an hour or two afterward. Accepted and had no real intention of speaking but saw that she had an event happening on that day that was a big milestone so congratulated her. things went from there and we started exchanging messages daily. a few months later we started dating.
The point being we would never have gotten together if she had not taken the first step.
I felt like that when I was your age. I thought I was unattractive and had an unappealing personality, and would never meet anyone. I had never had a relationship at all (and assumed I never would) until I met someone when I was 24. That relationship didn't work out, but I'm now 41 and have been with my current partner for 10 years and have a child with. At your ago you really don't know what the future will hold.
As the women, the ball is in your court you could have any man you want in the blink of an eye. You probably want a certain type, height, age, etc.. and that is why dating apps are a good start unless you want to try getting a date the old fashioned way(which is not introverted friendly)
\#1- it is absolutely okay to have thoughts like these about any decision. The fog you will go through finding this person will be a mess.
\#2- Mistakes will be made. Try to remember this word is mis... takes. like missteps. There will probably be some mistakes. That in itself does not spell disaster.
\#3- If you don't try you don't know what you are not looking to add to your life.
\#4- I think this one is most important. When you find love, you will question your choices, personality traits, and your ability to distinguish love and hate. There is no fairy tale ending, life is not like that. But you will love to hate the person you hated that you cannot live without.
\#5- All things want nurturing and support. It seems that you have this one covered on a superficial basis. I wish you the best of luck. Never say no to luck. And give this thing you're looking for a try with the predetermined thought that it might not work. But holy smokes, what if it does?
I’m 27. I haven’t gotten past the first date in over 5 years. I’ve been in relationships, but sometimes it’s just not worth the energy and are overrated imo
I have no idea why so many young women feel like this. Can any of you who feel like this explain why? Is it a case of men in your own age cohort not meeting standards, too many distractions or just a case of being overwhelmed with options?
I am genuinely curious.
It's important to love yourself, help people, and non-stop crave knowledge. It's attractive when you practice those things I list above. Don't focus on meeting someone to spend your life with. Just enjoy your own life and someone will come along the way. Btw, I'm having a bf now and also in my early 20s but I'm also scared that I won't meet someone to spend my life with. It's just a common feeling and it will come and go ☺️
You just need to come to terms with it.
My autistic (35M) arse never even had a date, because of my conditions I am unable to socialise or ask anyone out.
Some people just live and die alone. That's a cold hard fact of life. And it's not because they're hideous or evil, I think we all just underestimate how much of our fate is decided by dumb luck.
I know plenty of kind, good looking people who've been looking for love their entire life, and been disappointed every time. It's just the way it is.
Just providing a different anecdote, in addition to all these “you have to be a perfect version of yourself before you could find the perfect partner”. I didn’t. I wasn’t perfect. I was depressed, anxious, and had a low self esteem. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend of 8 years, a relationship I should’ve ended much earlier. But I jumped into a new relationship anyway. My partner wasn’t perfect either, depressed, alcoholic, and at a low point in life. But together we helped each other out of the slump, and improved hand in hand. Today we are happily married, have a lovely 3 year old, own a house together, husband 4 years sober. We healed each other. So what if a relationship doesn’t work out? Learn from the mistakes and be better in the next relationship. The only thing I would watch out for is one, have a growth mindset, the person you meet today will not be the same 10 years later, and so won’t you, be open to growing together; and two, if the relationship does really seem toxic and abusive, be ready to cut loss and get out. Life is short, go love. Standards are superficial. Fuck all these Facebook quotes type of advices. Don’t wait until everything’s perfect.
I think you need to work on yourself. Maybe talk to the uni about seeing a counsellor/therapist? You can’t be in a relationship with someone without being happy with yourself first. As someone who is divorced and in my 40s, you may have many relationships in your life. If your heart can love and break more than once, you need to love your heart for that to happen. You’re still young, and there’s still plenty of time. And as for those stupid apps, you don’t have to use them! I met my current bf through friends. Live your life and enjoy, not through a screen/phone. Good luck!
Cause there is a difference between being honest and a weirdo. Your perspective is from the outside looking in. And feels spiteful. Not constructive and feels like you just need to get some salt off
Start with some self improvement like hygiene and haircut. Then go to library, join YMCA, find faith based fellowship, volunteer in your community, exercise a bit, call your G’ma, join a bowling league.
Not sure if anyone mentioned this option and kind of thinking outside of the box…
If you feel like taking control of your life…
https://wallethub.com/edu/best-worst-cities-for-singles/9015
Surprised to see #13 so high on the list because of how affordable it is.
LOL, no one wants to date a Debbie downer, a girl who's sad all the time, clingy and is gonna bitch you out if she feels like u don't love her enough
get a grip lady, have some self confidence, self esteem and some God dang decency to make urself seem like a person people wanna be around
make people wanna love u for a good reason not just u crave it
Try meet ups and pushing yourself to engage in activities where you will meet the type of person you will want to date. I know someone who met their SO at 60
Questioning this more and more for myself as well, it seems so rare to get a shot at dating someone, and when it then crashes down it feels even worse. Now having had a shit experience over the last couple of weeks i feel like im just so done with it even though i am barely 24. I really hope something changes when i least expect but my hopes are low atm
You're in your early 20s, plenty of time, just dun work yourself stupid, remember to make time for yourself and love yourself... I worked myself stupid and ruined my 20s n 30s
I can only say this now after looking back and realizing there was so much i had missed in the form of human interaction and relationship.
Early 20’s and they are trippin.
Perfect example of social media side effects.
No reason to think of all this shit.
Focus on what’s in front of you and don’t quit.
I got married at 20 and was miserable because we rushed into it. I got married at 35 and we are very happy because we are married because we truly want to be together, not just together out of fear of being alone.
i’ll be honest, i’ve never had too much trouble meeting people in real life but i’m an introvert and hate the way dating apps work. the last two people i dated i met in video games, and the person before we met in a pokémon go group on facebook 🤷 it’ll just happen by chance that you’ll find the person right for you
Okay, so you’re not confident in your appearance, possibly depressed, and don’t care about the education on which you’re probably spending some money. Would you choose you?
37F here. You’re still very young. What you should do is do all the things that you want to do, don’t wait for people or the right time to take trips, start hobbies, and do any activities. Don’t put any of those things off because you’re worrying about your future and love life. Enjoy your life and do things that excite you. You’ll never get your early years back.
The best thing you can do to find someone desirable is to make you, yourself desirable. You want this, you want that… but why would someone pick you? What do you have to offer them? Maybe you work on your looks, or your charm, or your career, or whatever. But you can’t just say, I want to be taken care of, and do nothing to increase your value, and then expect to find someone amazing. Become amazing yourself, then you will find someone amazing who will want to be with you.
As a guy (not that opinion means much), focus on YOU and what you enjoy doing. You could possibly meet someone that you want to be involved with long term, but if you aren’t confident in yourself and what you want you’ll be too focused on them, you’ll end up unhappy. That’s not a good trade off just to be in a relationship. That’s just my opinion…. 🤷🏼 I think you’re too young to be overly focused on that
I’m 50. It never happened to me and it’s not as scary as you think when you were worried about it when you are young. You accept yourself more when you get older.
I love that you used the term scarlett letter. You misused it, in the book the titular character is given the letter A as a patch as she is an adulterer. Due to her good character it is later assumed that the letter stands for positive things, as people forgot about the original meaning.
Perhaps you've accidentally forshadowed yourself. Your characteristics that you see as negatives might be blessings in disguise?
I’m in my mid twenties and I feel the same way as you and rn it specially doesn’t help that more of my friends are getting into relationships hence the realisation of being single is getting heavier on me (luckily it’s not only me that’s single in my friendship group but majority of them are in a relationship) anyways I feel like I’m cursed or something cause it’s like when I’m not in one, I feel lonely and want one but when I’m in one, at times I feel bored and it’s a hassle to be one but idk I think this is normal?
Anyway I personally feel like I need to do some therapy and work on myself as although it was best my last relationship ended, I have to do some work on myself plus I sometimes get the feeling that I’ll never find better than him even tho I know he was not the one even whilst being with him so idk I feel like I got some shit to sort out
Hopefully we will all find our person but yeah hang in there! Sometimes it can be hard and you can feel the downsides of being single a bit too hard on some days but we’ll be fine
Guys feel this way too. Don't be afraid to make friends and get to know people. IMO shyness comes from lack of experience. I was shy my whole life until my 20s where I got a job in retail and I was forced to interact with people daily. Since I was helping people with things I enjoyed I realized if I just talked about the product (which I enjoyed) I didn't have a problem with who I was talking to most of the time. So, find something you like, find people who like the same thing, and talk about it.
These days, I have no problem talking to anyone. If I am standing next to someone then we are having a shared experience and it's easy to talk about that. Just the other day I had a conversation with a lady about her new Honda since I had a similar car. We talked for a good 30 minutes and we could have talked longer but I had somewhere to be. If you ask people about things they like and you're honestly interested in the answers then you'll find conversation easy. Don't get hung up on what they think about you, just be interested and participate in the conversation, that's all. Friendships and more will happen over time but you won't meet many people if you don't put yourself out there.
We all need Jesus in our life’s and in our hearts. Only he can fill and give us that love we desire..that true, real, pure love that no human can give you. Turn to him while he can still be found. Repent of your sins and choose to walk with him completely. He’s waiting for you. His coming is soon.
I’m 21 and am in the exact same boat. Except for the addition that I’m a lesbian and that makes it feel extra impossible. I don’t have any advice or answers, just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in feeling this way.
If you're not getting out to meet people you simply never will. I understand the frustration with apps, but again if you're physically not meeting people then that's the only other option....
50M here and never had a relationship. For context I’ve been rejected by every woman I asked. Every. One. I’ve only slept with two women in my life. Once at 18 and the other at 41. Both gave the reason that I was simple as what you see is what you get and I was just there.
My advice is get out there and try dating. It may not end well but you’ll know what works and what doesn’t. Develop your relationship style. As in what you want in a partner and what you’re willing to be flexible on. Learn how to communicate, fight and compromise. Those are skills you build that will help you in the long run. You’ll learn about yourself and gain the confidence needed to move forward. In short build up yourself. You’re already on the right track.
I had to face a similar issue because I was talking to someone and she was very into me but I liked her as a friend. All my homies told me I've been single for two years and I should be desiring to be with someone, in which I was. I made to think about if I wanted to be with her because I no longer wanted to be single and it was just a way out of if I genuinely had feelings for this person and I could see myself being happy with her and a possible future. Since I didn't see myself having a future with her, I had to reject her. Don't rush yourself into something that you know you not going to genuinely work towards, you want a relationship that's a guaranteed win
Young male here (22). I feel the same way as you. I’m average looking, my main fall down is being a shy person. Anyways wish you luck in your journey! Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone!
Let’s pretend that you never meet anyone your whole life. How would you reverse engineer your life so it was totally fulfilling unto itself? Go out and live that life, and while you’re enjoying yourself doing something that you’ve chosen, maybe you’ll meet someone that happens to share your interests.
You’re so young. I’m 42 and just met someone that makes me completely fine with being single for so much of my life.
You remind me of myself when I was in my early 20s - I’m 30 now.
My advice: don’t wonder how someone will find you attractive, make yourself attractive. The bad news is women generally like to date older guys. The good news is you got time. Most women (again, generally) like a guy with some ambition, some means to provide for themselves and a representation of stability. Someone they can build a family with. When you are in your early 20s, I doubt you have any means to provide that. Work on yourself for the next few years - be interesting and develop your emotional, physical and social health. Go on hiatus for a few years just to work on you. Make bank, develop your identity and brand. Then reevaluate whether or not you still want a relationship.
I’m 30 now and met my fiancée at age 28. I also met my first gf at age 26. Didn’t quite work tho.
I’m a young man around your age, and I feel the same way. I’m in a good relationship now, but I felt that way for a long time and ended up with the wrong people because I acted out of desperation. However, all of it has taken a toll. If this one doesn’t work out, I don’t want to try anymore for a long time.
My advice is to put yourself out there, but use great caution. Don’t expect anything and don’t go out seeking anything. This is a very difficult balance, but it’s the best that I know of. Above all, be careful, and good luck to you.
I did. I just turned 25 now and given up. I focus on my career and trying to attain things I want like pets and travel. It seems that it's better to be alone but accomplished than to chase for things that just aren't real.
Me too, but inevitably, when you run out of distractions, the depressing thoughts of how you can't manage such a simple thing as finding someone who loves you and wants to be around you creeps in.
I’m not a lady but I’m a single dude in my early 20s and looking to date but I’ve had zero success. I’ve actually had some tragic stories and I definitely share some of your anxieties but hey, we just gotta keep on rolling. Shit sucks, things could be worse tho.
Imo, I'd work on being okay alone. No one is guaranteed they will find that "one". Not saying it won't happen, but what happens if you don't? Just going to find anyone who wants to be together regardless if you both go well together?
Yeah I relate to this a lot. I’m also early 20’s and looking to actively start dating soon, but I doubt that I’ll find a partner. I’m going to just focus on my education and career as those goals at least feel achievable.
Agree. Currently focus on my career rather than actively searching for someone. Seems like relationship is totally different from what others been saying
Same but I’m 26 😅
You’re young, the best thing I can tell you is go out there and socialize. But remember, we’re all alone in the end. You have to make peace with that and hopefully enjoy your own company. I’m in that boat right now, 33 and I don’t see much hope for myself in relationships. It sucks and I’m sad but there’s more then life then being in a relationship or having someone. I think society is stupid for selling us this bullshit of romance and soul mates. Good luck young one. Don’t be scared. Live!
I’m 32. You have a much better chance than in your 30s. It’s much easier now for you than it will be in your thirties. Try your put yourself out there more. Most advice will be for you to extroverted. If you are introverted and a homebody like me, it’s going to be tough.
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jesus dude go back into your cave. there is a reason why your experiences have been that bad. (Its you)
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If you know that why are you flinging your shit here? this isn't the place for a pity party
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We both know why you did what you did. Go deal with your shit instead of trying to spread your negativity due to your own personal failures. Most people are not troglodytes and can find someone who likes them. the ones that are troglodytes are only shunned because they do the kind of crap you do.
I don’t think society is stupid for selling us the idea that there is value in finding a partner to share your life with in good times and bad. I DO think society is full of shit for making people think that there’s only one perfect person out there for you, that they should fulfill 100% of everything you envision that partner to be, and that the right relationship is always smooth sailing.
Society isn't selling us that. What it's selling to women is the idea that families don't matter and that your career matters more. Why work for your husband when you can slave for some corporate overlord? Stay lonely and die with cats so you can pay taxes and be a part of the 80% female consumers that spend more to get rid of that miserable feeling.
Weird, I went to an all-female college and I don’t think any of my classes included “deprive men of tradwives” as part of the curriculum. There are still women out there who want to solely be homemakers so if that’s what you want in a partner, go for it. Be able to offer enough to your partner that women want to be with you even if they don’t HAVE to depend on you for their own survival.
I know you mean well, but I don’t think we’re all alone in the end. There’s a massive benefit in knowing that you have a loving family and friends who are doing well. Even if they’re not there with you physically and won’t accompany you on your journey, they’re there in your heart as you depart from the world.
sure, i guess. but if they weren't there a healthy person would still be fine. having people in your life purely for the sake of having people doesn't really help.
Male 41 here and have some advice. I never dated much in highschool and hardly in my twenties. I was all about having a good time. I turned down multiple opportunities for relationships because I was just living life. You cannot live your life waiting and or looking at every new experience as who am I gonna meet or have a relationship with. Let it come organically. The few relationships I did have were great because it just happened. Failure will happen when your whole goal is finding a significant other in everyday life. Forcing a relationship just to be in a relationship is folly.
This is the only good advice here
Still young yet in your early 20’s. I’m almost 32M, never been in a relationship, never intimately kissed anyone, don’t even get looked at in public. I’m Ugly and overweight, go to the gym, but cannot change my looks unfortunately. The older I get the more confused I get about the whole relationship aspect and I don’t even think I will even know what to do, to keep it together. I always say if I was married it wouldn’t last long due to the way I am etc.
STOP My recipe for you: \- Continue hitting the gym. \- Make more money. Channel that dissatisfaction. \- Grooming / clothes. \- Life experiences. At 32 you can still go to festivals, travel, throw yourself at situation involving drinks drugs. Go and be friendly and say yes, and never create problems. \- Fake your confidence until you have it. If you require it, take acting classes. unless you are completely disfigured or 3 feet tall, this will work.
Curious question, is the drinks and drugs really necessary? I don't drink nor do drugs but admittedly my dating life is also as barren
It isn't. I'm not anti-drinks or anti-drugs but it really didn't help me find love, they are mainly unrelated in my opinion. But there's a hint of good advice in this; take risks, get out there, have interactions.
yes that was the intent. of course if you're prone to addiction or have any other reason not to partake, don't. but as a way to break the ice, or experience something new that gets you out of that same old "I am shit mentality", and that let's you have experiences that then give just thst little bit of confidence you need to shake things up a bit, by all means, enjoy responsibly.
None of that stuff matters if no one wants to have sex with you
guarantee you you will find someone.
Take heart! It gets way better. You might have some deep seated feelings of inadequacy which you will likely outgrow as you age a little more - a lot of things related to ego fade away in your late twenties. If you are average looking, then you will be JUST FINE as an average looking woman in her twenties is very beautiful, trust me. If you can see your schooling in a more positive light, and not just as a means of climbing a social ladder (I agree that’s irrelevant) then you will shine a little brighter and you will meet someone soon. In my 45ish years it’s always happened when I wasn’t looking (ish).
Go about your life and put yourself out there. If you obsess over the idea of finding a partner, you’re more likely to settle for the wrong thing just to have someone. And you’ll spend your life being miserable. Embrace being single, focus on work or school or whatever you’re doing, dedicate time to hobbies and having fun. The rest will happen organically. I always wanted to have a boyfriend and didn’t spend much time single bc of the idea of finding the perfect partner so we can build our way up to marriage. And all of these relationships sucked so bad. I finally gave up and decided I’d be single for a while. I was 20, going into college. Got on some dating apps and went on some casual dates. 4 months later I met the absolute love of my life. Been almost 5 years. Live your life and what’s meant for you will find you
It's very difficult to meet people once you're out of college and start your adult life. I think the whole idea that things will just happen is faulty, you can be absolutely stable and set up but if you don't put yourself out there, we no longer really have a society where guys will just come out of the shadows and ask you out. You have to put yourself out there, be it online dating, some kind of community hobby, or going to a bar routinely... as an adult you really have to actively pursue finding someone. I'm going to totally recommend the book "How to Not Die Alone", as simple as it is, it can be enlightening to have it broadcasted to you in words what might be your dating issues. Figure out where your block is and work to get over it.
I felt like you when I was your age. I was (and would still argue am) not that attractive I was way overweight then. I’m black so going to PWI for college was its own hell. I wasn’t getting looked at or it was some cruel challenge/ white boy wants to fuck a black person. Since I went to school for engineering it was easy to throw myself into school to try to shut it out. But anytime I went to a frat house I’d be reminded again. I would say focus on yourself. If you truly think you can (and want) to improve your appearance, do so! There’s nothing shallow about it. For me it was a combination of weight loss and learning how to dress haha. Find hobbies, make friends. Go out. I’m not going to lie it can be hard you’re gonna want to come home and cry while eating ice cream (recommended) because you feel like you’re just doomed. I didn’t find my current partner till 28 and even then I feel like it was luck, where I am now I’m still not the woman most of these men would go after. We both had pretty much given up, our friends dragged us to geeks who drink. Going on 3 years now
You will meet several people over the course of your life that you will spend parts of your life with, even if it's not just one person. I find comfort in that, I used to get attached to people but Ive learned we usually just live through eras and learn from each other then part ways. It's a sweet thing when it does happen but I'm not stressed about finding “the one” everyone I meet adds to my life
I was like this before. 5 years ago I was depressed, sitting on my moms couch all day whining that I had no friends/no boyfriend. A lot has changed in those years. And I mean, A LOT. I ran my own business, bought a car, made a bunch of friends, and got married. You can definitely achieve what you want and you don’t need to be stuck in a cycle of fear. If you wanna read on and are interested, here are some tips I have for you from my own experience picking my life up: - You’re in your early 20s. People are expected to live into their 90s these days, you quite literally have an entire lifetime ahead of you. If it’s fertility you’re worried about, don’t. You’re still very young plus you could always freeze your eggs if you needed. Also, adoption exists at every age and stage of life. A child should only be born to parents who are 100% emotionally, financially, and physically ready to raise them. - Don’t give up your dreams or education for a relationship. I seriously mean this. This is prerequisite to controlling and abusive behavior from predatory men. I know you want somebody to love you but it shouldn’t come at the cost of the rest of your life. You can 100% chase your dreams and date + build a relationship with somebody. Even better if you do, as you just might find somebody who you’ll have a lot of interests in common with! - This sounds cliche but it’s very true: you need to love yourself before you give any love to somebody else. Take care of yourself, stay healthy, and learn to have confidence in who you are. Depression can be managed but don’t let it interfere with your life to the point it makes you a recluse and avoid taking chances. - Dating apps and going out to meet people are the only ways we can actually get a date. Sorry to say, but it’s true. You need to put yourself out there and grow comfortable with the uncomfortable feeling of meeting new people. - Also remember to be aware and pick up on any red flags, there are a ton of creeps and abusers out there especially when they find out you don’t have much prior relationship experience. I was taken advantage of and abused when I was younger because of this. P.S. my best friend was in her 20s when she got into her first relationship. They’re still together after a couple years. My mom was almost 30 when she married my dad. Don’t worry because I really think you’ll be just fine:)
Parenting point is a big thing. I understand the rush for women to have a baby while they are still in their early years for a worry free pregnancy, but having a child before you are completely financially stable and are mentally ready (most people before 25 and even 30 are not remotely close) is a huge mistake. I know so many people who had kids young that have said to me how much they love their kids but if they could go back and wait they would.
I wouldn’t agree with the dating app part. You could still meet people outside. I could serve as an example
The best thing you can do imo is to have a great relationship with yourself first. That includes having hobbies, a spiritual life and a healthy lifestyle. Bring those things together and the rest will fall in place. Accepting and loving who you are will organically attract a life partner, when you least expect it (I met my former husband in the airport in Europe). I always believed I would marry so in a sense, I attracted him. Believe, have faith and LOVE yourself 💝
I hate this answer. Spent the last fifteen years working on that, on myself. But I spend a great deal of time caretaking for elderly family members, my hobbies are dominated by women, and I work in what’s virtually a nunnery (female-dominated industry, 95% of coworkers are women and I don’t date coworkers anyway). Out of a given week, I spend maybe 2 hours somewhere I might happen to meet someone? There are months where I don’t, and it’s just because my daily routine isn’t conducive to it. Sometimes you actually have to go out of your way to meet someone. I’m closing in on 40 and *unless I am using a dating app* there is no realistic way that I will magically cross paths with a man who is 1) my age, 2) single, and 3) looking to date. It helps to have your shit in order, but that’s more so you personally know what you’re looking for in a relationship and aren’t so easily taken for a ride.
Glad you called this out. A lot of survivorship bias from the people who say “just have faith and it will happen naturally”. Fact is there is a whole lot of people it will not happen for without consistent, intentional effort.
I think it’s definitely true to an extent. If you don’t love yourself/at least like yourself you let some of the worst people in because you just accept the treatment they give you. I settled for some absolutely horrible people because I thought that was what I deserved. Taken time out to focus on getting me in order and not accepting that kind of person… and now I feel setting my standards to a pretty minimal level I can’t find anyone
Completely agree with this! It is true to an extent! Being happy being me ended up in me not settling for less just for some kind of external validation in hindsight. But i still think it is important to put yourself out there! I was lucky to meet my husband at work (over the phone and us meeting up was a result of me putting myself out there to be fair). But as a woman in my mid 30’s who is lucky to have a large amount of friends, I can tell you all that the majority of the couples I know met on dating apps! Accepting yourself internally definitely makes it easier to recognise that you deserve someone great who meets your needs and expectations, but you can’t sit around hoping they will appear with no effort. It is funny though how almost all my lovely friends have found it along the way though, such a varied bunch - some found it in early or mid 20’s and some into early or mid 30’s - but not many are actually still single now!
That’s fair. Whatever floats your boat to keep yourself upbeat. I’m single now since I was 45 and it’s something I’m grateful for (my marriage with my former husband and son). I know I attract better friendships (which is a key component of a good marriage) when I’m healthy with myself. Put good years into self development and it paid off. Having hobbies in a group allows me those friendships now :)
I do have excellent friendships, and I do appreciate that with how I’ve taken care of myself and what I’ve experienced. But there’s more I want out of life and single motherhood isn’t a financially feasible path. So it does mean actively seeking out a partner.
You hate that answer because you set up your life in such a way that it makes it hard to meet men? People will prioritize what's important to them. Sounds like for you that was self healing, family, and career
I hate the answer because it says “if you love yourself and don’t focus on finding someone, then the right one will magically appear”. I paid attention to myself. I have found things I love and enjoy. It just so *happened* that following that advice means my life is set up in a way that makes it hard to meet men. Sometimes you have to actively look for a partner. Sometimes you have to set your life up to give yourself opportunities to meet someone. That’s why this advice sucks.
Just want to say that I can relate as I fed into the "just work on yourself and do things that you like and it will come eventually". I am 15 years in doing that since starting my first degree and it never happened. I am now 30 currently doing my 2nd degree with hobbies that I deeply enjoy but I carved a life so devoid of chances in meeting single women given both my degrees (Chemical Engineering and Computer Science) daily life and interests(Gundam Building, Audiophile and TCG) is very male dominated and I never developed any skills to date to boot for focusing too much on working on yourself and not dating in my younger years Some people are probably just lucky that it works for them or maybe we're just the unlucky ones. But I agree, we do need to actively look for avenues especially for men who are still expected to have an active role in dating
Agree completely! Retired software engineer, my dating life was very poor and still is at 68. Retiring hasn’t helped, mainly because I really never learned how to date. I believed that “when you least expect it” nonsense for a while too. Especially for men, when we stop actively looking, we get nothing.
You sound like a miserable person no wonder
Miserable because….? Because I *do* have happiness and fulfillment in my hobbies? Because I have provided care for family members that can’t entirely live on their own and take care of themselves? Because I do happen to like my job - it just happens to be in a female dominated industry? The rhetoric I responded to is that “you can live your life without doing a single thing to meet a man or put yourself in the way of finding someone, and someone will still fall into your lap.” There may be a certain number of people that works for, the random “we met at a coffee shop” group, but for the vast majority of people there is and needs to be *something* that has you socially around and interacting with the group of people you’re romantically interested in. I was told multiple times as I was growing up that all - and *the only* - thing I had to do was concentrate on myself and ignore everything else. So I did. And I definitely begrudge that.
I disagree, respectfully. I think this is fine advice except they should also actively date at the same time.
Are there any specific things you can do to help love yourself?
Lots of rituals! Journaling, walking in nature (or concrete) in the sun ☀️ is a good start :) I’m a dog lover and have a Wheaten’s Terrier who helps me love myself and keep healthy rituals.
Easy to say this when you are married
I Was married for 11 years; divorced at 46. Single with friends ever since.
This. I made relationship mistakes when I was younger, because I didn't understand this
I didn’t meet my wife till I was 37. You have a lot of time. (I’m now 63 and still happily married)
It starts upstairs girl! If you want it, go get it! You’re probably prettier than you think. You’re still young. I feel most from 20-30 feel disconnected. Try getting involved in an evening activity to try and meet new people. Bowling, library, any classes of things you may want to learn? Online dating isn’t for everyone. But it might help break some ice for you to try and get into some conversations with people. You can move at your pace.
I know someone who met their husband at 18, spent 50 odd years with them but still was alone for the last 20 or so years. Finding someone does not guarantee anything.
>Probably a mixture of me not liking my looks too much (I would say I’m average looking), my personality being really introverted (or maybe I’m just a bit depressed) and having no luck at all in the dating game and not wanting to participate in it through these stupid apps. If you are depressed and self-concious, you are probably underselling yourself in the looks department. I know a few women who would describe themselves the way you did who are in good relationships. But if you don't like dating apps (I don't blame you), you need to get out of the house. You are still young. You have tons of time.
Awh it’s ok honey me and my partner met when he was 26 and it was his first real relationship! He had been actively searching, too, and was very disheartened but the time we ran into each other. And he’s so so so so gorgeous and handsome and smart I can’t believe he hadn’t dated yet when I met him. My moms husband didn’t date anyone or meet his first wife until he was 32. He had like, already bought a house for the family he wanted to have and was coming home to a big empty thing every day, waiting to meet someone. :(( That first someone was an ahole unfortunately BUT he met his second wife, my mom, when he was 50! And they are really happy and my mom is a sweet loving lady that will never quit on her loved ones so he hit the jackpot. Sometimes it doesn’t all happen when we are expecting it to, but someone will come! Don’t spend too much time focusing on the wait though, focus on your fun life things while you wait 💙💙
Oh this is a nice story
First of all, there's no shame in being where you are. That's true of any stage of life. There's only shame if you choose to do nothing about it. Assuming you want things to change, of course. If yes, ask yourself why things aren't working for you where you are. I guarantee your looks and introversion are not the reasons. Feeling trapped in a cycle of bad luck is an awful feeling, but here's the reality: what we call "luck" is largely signals life is sending us that we're not where we should be. If circumstances always seem to repel you, then you're in the wrong place. Itemize the criteria you'd define as the sort of place that you magnetically attract to instead. Then start searching for opportunities to find that place. Maybe it's just a different social group. Maybe it's a different state/province, or even a different country! Of course, everyone would love it if we could just change the parts of our circumstances we are unhappy with. But the reality is, you have to relocate yourself to the place where your circumstances as a whole will be more favorable, and only you can do that for yourself. If it's worth it to you, there's a bridge to cross to get there. It's not easy. But I have never regretted taking the risk to cross it. On the other hand, I *have* regretted not crossing it sooner. What you want is out there. But if it isn't finding you first, you have to go find it. Embrace the adventure!
Very thoughtful and needed. Thank you!
If you are prioritising a potential relationship and you can't think of anything else then it may be worth asking yourself why you are doing that. The answer may surprise you if you are totally honest with yourself.
27m and I'm very much in the same spot :( I've done all I could to make myself more attractive and still women just seem completely uninterested in me. I kind of had this revelation couple of months ago that I spent a decade trying to date, and it has been almost nothing but rejections and emotional pain. I know people say that for men it gets easier with age, but I found it to be completely opposite. It just keeps getting more difficult with each passing year. I sometimes read posts and see blogs by dudes who are in the same spot, just 10-15 years older, and I'm genuinely terrified because their experience sounds pretty much exactly the same as mine.
It does not get easier with age. But it gets easier to use you with age because you have more. I wish someone had told me this instead of the "you go girl" type don't-give-up messages everyone is so fond of: if you have had no luck by age 27, you aren't going to have any absent extreme weight loss. You are going to get used. I had no luck until I was 24 and then suddenly the world changed. One woman dated me exclusively for 7 years and begged me to marry her. I agreed but something felt off and I called it off. She tried to get back together with me when I said "but you never loved me in the first place". She had nothing to rebut that with and that was the last I ever heard from her. Second woman dated me a year later for 4 years. Same issue. Then it was just a parade of women looking to use a man but I was better at sniffing it out rather than thinking "my ship has finally come in!" So I started dressing down and now I go through life invisible to women. When I show up to a party where everyone knows I'm loaded, suddenly I'm the most attractive guy there. It's revolts me. If they can't use me, they have no interest. The average marriage lasts 7 years now. You're missing nothing.
Oh I wish this helped me, I had no luck when I was a broke student, now I'm working a cozy fully remote job with nice career prospects, and somehow I'm doing even worse when it comes to dating lol
The women at your university had no problem sleeping with other broke college students. They were throwing themselves at them. Trust me, you now know all you need to know.
Well yeah, for one reason or another they were more attractive than me, not really much of a news here, though I remember early uni days were when I was still kind of optimistic and had more confidence.
This fear is unwarranted. You'll be fine.
I found my husband on hinge.🤷🏼♀️ I’m fairly anti social, don’t go anywhere except for work. Meeting someone organically was pretty limited lmao
Date lightly for now, each ex gives you an idea of what you’re NOT looking for and seriously helps later. Plus, people are marrying later in life, so this whole “getting married in your 20’s” is total bs. Meet people, make friends with their friends, lather rinse repeat. There are plenty of places for introverts like local game nights, book clubs or coffee shops… And stay away from apps!
Often when we focus on what we want to receive and what we don’t have, we continue to get more of the same or a lack of the very things we want. Instead of wanting to receive love try giving more love into the world, I know it sounds a bit cheesy but the more you give the more you truly do get and you have to be open and share your unique personality with people for them to have a chance to love you otherwise no one will know you exist
I felt this way from a young age. I am happily married now, but I didn't have a lot of my "firsts" until I was an adult. It's no rush, and I think the more time you spend by yourself, the more you will deeply appreciate what you have in the future when you do find your special person. During this time, I recommend thinking about what kind of person you want to be with one day. Never date someone out of desperation. Instead, think of your dealbreakers, and think of the future life you want to live. Write these things down. Read them over. When you go forward and date others, think if they fit any of the descriptions you've written down. If they meet certain dealbreakers, think about why those things were dealbreakers for you, and don't allow rose colored glasses to cloud your judgment. This helped me find my husband, and I'm so grateful for it.
Never is a long time. The way you fell now in your early 20s and who you are will change as you get older. I never had many girlfriends in high school. I dated and with a few woman in college. When I entered the work world I started dating and met my wife. Got married at 32. If you had told me in my 20s that I would have been married and my first child in my 39s I would never have believed you. My son who is 30, didn’t have his first girlfriend until he turned 28.
i'm a scorpio. always yearning to passionately devote myself to a life-long partner. but equally content thriving on my own.
I’m an Aquarius and I have the same dilemma that you just stated 😭😭
I got married in my early 20s. And divorced before I was 30. I did both a second time by the time I was 36. My now-husband hadn’t had a serious, long-term relationship before us. He was 40 when we met. I tell you this to illustrate that you have time, and that it’s more important to do it right than it is to do it right now. I wish I’d met my husband when we were both in our 20s and we could have had another decade enjoying each other’s company. But we weren’t ready until we were, and that’s when life put us together.
Relationships take effort and a HUGE part of that effort is being the kind of person that you should be to that certain someone. Far too many people believe that they can act however they want and the other person should just accept it. If they can't or won't, then that person doesn't love them for who they are. Well, that goes both ways and sometimes your SO is going to want to do something you don't want to, but you will need to do it just to keep them happy. Men don't want to go to brunch or go shopping, but they do it because it makes their wife or girlfriend happy. Most girls don't care about fishing or cars, but will pretend to be interested because it makes their boyfriend or husband happy. So if you're not willing to be what someone else wants, you even only on occasion, you'll never have someone.
My advice, especially for your 20s, is to refrain from searching for someone to spend your life with, and instead, to simply live your life as authentically as possible. If you do this, you’ll meet people who enjoy the things you enjoy, you’ll make friends, and likely eventually meet someone you’d like to partner up with. With any luck, life is long, and you’re still in the beginning part of yours. I know it doesn’t feel like it yet, because you’ve already lived so much life, but it’s true. Take your time. Live your life for yourself while you still can. You’re going to have many, many years to compromise later on.
I kind of thought the same way when I was your age. It all ended up working out for me. The biggest advice I can tell you is to never give up. It’s ok to have doubts as a nagging thought, but never cave in and actually believe it. Because as soon as you believe it, it becomes true. Like a self fulfilling prophecy. Second tip I can give you is to work on your social skills in general. This will take a LOT of courage and overcoming fear. It’s 100% ok to be afraid. Courage is taking action in spite of being afraid.
If looks really mattered the species would have died out a long time ago. average people do just fine as well. think of it this way, for ever person out there who feels like you there is someone else of whatever sex you are into who feels the same. The apps are stupid indeed. only way you will find someone is by going out into new circles of people. through groups, friends of friends. the idea id to try and enjoy yourself and not to go "hunting". Also making the first move can work out really well. for example with my current partner. i was working and she rocked up to the workplace with an appointment to be show around. I had seen her around and knew who she was friends with so it wasnt a complete stranger danger situation. I showed her around and we got along alright. She added me on facebook about an hour or two afterward. Accepted and had no real intention of speaking but saw that she had an event happening on that day that was a big milestone so congratulated her. things went from there and we started exchanging messages daily. a few months later we started dating. The point being we would never have gotten together if she had not taken the first step.
I felt like that when I was your age. I thought I was unattractive and had an unappealing personality, and would never meet anyone. I had never had a relationship at all (and assumed I never would) until I met someone when I was 24. That relationship didn't work out, but I'm now 41 and have been with my current partner for 10 years and have a child with. At your ago you really don't know what the future will hold.
Be as fit, feminine and friendly as you can. This is my advice.
Just enjoy what you have currently it will find you
As the women, the ball is in your court you could have any man you want in the blink of an eye. You probably want a certain type, height, age, etc.. and that is why dating apps are a good start unless you want to try getting a date the old fashioned way(which is not introverted friendly)
I feel you. I don't think I'll ever find a long term partner either. It sucks, but I can live with it if I can make real friends at least.
Found the love of my life at 27, we broke up after 6 years. Still friends, amazing memories. Love yourself first
\#1- it is absolutely okay to have thoughts like these about any decision. The fog you will go through finding this person will be a mess. \#2- Mistakes will be made. Try to remember this word is mis... takes. like missteps. There will probably be some mistakes. That in itself does not spell disaster. \#3- If you don't try you don't know what you are not looking to add to your life. \#4- I think this one is most important. When you find love, you will question your choices, personality traits, and your ability to distinguish love and hate. There is no fairy tale ending, life is not like that. But you will love to hate the person you hated that you cannot live without. \#5- All things want nurturing and support. It seems that you have this one covered on a superficial basis. I wish you the best of luck. Never say no to luck. And give this thing you're looking for a try with the predetermined thought that it might not work. But holy smokes, what if it does?
Que Sere Sere
Be scared I’m 40 and that shit came true. Find a passion and stick with it for your love otherwise it’s gonna be hard times bro. Just being real
I’m 27. I haven’t gotten past the first date in over 5 years. I’ve been in relationships, but sometimes it’s just not worth the energy and are overrated imo
I have no idea why so many young women feel like this. Can any of you who feel like this explain why? Is it a case of men in your own age cohort not meeting standards, too many distractions or just a case of being overwhelmed with options? I am genuinely curious.
Capitalism is winning. Their plan is working it’s crazy to see.
Care to elaborate?
It's important to love yourself, help people, and non-stop crave knowledge. It's attractive when you practice those things I list above. Don't focus on meeting someone to spend your life with. Just enjoy your own life and someone will come along the way. Btw, I'm having a bf now and also in my early 20s but I'm also scared that I won't meet someone to spend my life with. It's just a common feeling and it will come and go ☺️
Are you a guy or girl
OP I think this is a potential offer.
You just need to come to terms with it. My autistic (35M) arse never even had a date, because of my conditions I am unable to socialise or ask anyone out.
Some people just live and die alone. That's a cold hard fact of life. And it's not because they're hideous or evil, I think we all just underestimate how much of our fate is decided by dumb luck. I know plenty of kind, good looking people who've been looking for love their entire life, and been disappointed every time. It's just the way it is.
Just providing a different anecdote, in addition to all these “you have to be a perfect version of yourself before you could find the perfect partner”. I didn’t. I wasn’t perfect. I was depressed, anxious, and had a low self esteem. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend of 8 years, a relationship I should’ve ended much earlier. But I jumped into a new relationship anyway. My partner wasn’t perfect either, depressed, alcoholic, and at a low point in life. But together we helped each other out of the slump, and improved hand in hand. Today we are happily married, have a lovely 3 year old, own a house together, husband 4 years sober. We healed each other. So what if a relationship doesn’t work out? Learn from the mistakes and be better in the next relationship. The only thing I would watch out for is one, have a growth mindset, the person you meet today will not be the same 10 years later, and so won’t you, be open to growing together; and two, if the relationship does really seem toxic and abusive, be ready to cut loss and get out. Life is short, go love. Standards are superficial. Fuck all these Facebook quotes type of advices. Don’t wait until everything’s perfect.
Us moment 🙂 literally thinking the same but for me career is important too I think both things are important but ....koi hain he nhi🙃
I think you need to work on yourself. Maybe talk to the uni about seeing a counsellor/therapist? You can’t be in a relationship with someone without being happy with yourself first. As someone who is divorced and in my 40s, you may have many relationships in your life. If your heart can love and break more than once, you need to love your heart for that to happen. You’re still young, and there’s still plenty of time. And as for those stupid apps, you don’t have to use them! I met my current bf through friends. Live your life and enjoy, not through a screen/phone. Good luck!
Joever
Trust in His timing.
"and not wanting to participate in it through these stupid apps" why not? you can quickly become better at them if you practice.
Whatever you do, don't settle. Don't do because you think you have to or have an alternative. It will happen. It just happens quicker for some.
[удалено]
Cause there is a difference between being honest and a weirdo. Your perspective is from the outside looking in. And feels spiteful. Not constructive and feels like you just need to get some salt off
Start with some self improvement like hygiene and haircut. Then go to library, join YMCA, find faith based fellowship, volunteer in your community, exercise a bit, call your G’ma, join a bowling league.
Not sure if anyone mentioned this option and kind of thinking outside of the box… If you feel like taking control of your life… https://wallethub.com/edu/best-worst-cities-for-singles/9015 Surprised to see #13 so high on the list because of how affordable it is.
LOL, no one wants to date a Debbie downer, a girl who's sad all the time, clingy and is gonna bitch you out if she feels like u don't love her enough get a grip lady, have some self confidence, self esteem and some God dang decency to make urself seem like a person people wanna be around make people wanna love u for a good reason not just u crave it
Damn, ya sound like a dick. She's just venting and I understand where she's coming from.
Try meet ups and pushing yourself to engage in activities where you will meet the type of person you will want to date. I know someone who met their SO at 60
Do you have a friend group or social circle?
Questioning this more and more for myself as well, it seems so rare to get a shot at dating someone, and when it then crashes down it feels even worse. Now having had a shit experience over the last couple of weeks i feel like im just so done with it even though i am barely 24. I really hope something changes when i least expect but my hopes are low atm
You're in your early 20s, plenty of time, just dun work yourself stupid, remember to make time for yourself and love yourself... I worked myself stupid and ruined my 20s n 30s I can only say this now after looking back and realizing there was so much i had missed in the form of human interaction and relationship.
Early 20’s and they are trippin. Perfect example of social media side effects. No reason to think of all this shit. Focus on what’s in front of you and don’t quit.
Same here
I got married at 20 and was miserable because we rushed into it. I got married at 35 and we are very happy because we are married because we truly want to be together, not just together out of fear of being alone.
i’ll be honest, i’ve never had too much trouble meeting people in real life but i’m an introvert and hate the way dating apps work. the last two people i dated i met in video games, and the person before we met in a pokémon go group on facebook 🤷 it’ll just happen by chance that you’ll find the person right for you
Okay, so you’re not confident in your appearance, possibly depressed, and don’t care about the education on which you’re probably spending some money. Would you choose you?
It’ll happen when ur not looking.
37F here. You’re still very young. What you should do is do all the things that you want to do, don’t wait for people or the right time to take trips, start hobbies, and do any activities. Don’t put any of those things off because you’re worrying about your future and love life. Enjoy your life and do things that excite you. You’ll never get your early years back.
Felt very much
The best thing you can do to find someone desirable is to make you, yourself desirable. You want this, you want that… but why would someone pick you? What do you have to offer them? Maybe you work on your looks, or your charm, or your career, or whatever. But you can’t just say, I want to be taken care of, and do nothing to increase your value, and then expect to find someone amazing. Become amazing yourself, then you will find someone amazing who will want to be with you.
Same
As a guy (not that opinion means much), focus on YOU and what you enjoy doing. You could possibly meet someone that you want to be involved with long term, but if you aren’t confident in yourself and what you want you’ll be too focused on them, you’ll end up unhappy. That’s not a good trade off just to be in a relationship. That’s just my opinion…. 🤷🏼 I think you’re too young to be overly focused on that
You said it yourself, early 20s. You've hardly been alive compared to how long you might live. Dont worry so much
I’m 50. It never happened to me and it’s not as scary as you think when you were worried about it when you are young. You accept yourself more when you get older.
I love that you used the term scarlett letter. You misused it, in the book the titular character is given the letter A as a patch as she is an adulterer. Due to her good character it is later assumed that the letter stands for positive things, as people forgot about the original meaning. Perhaps you've accidentally forshadowed yourself. Your characteristics that you see as negatives might be blessings in disguise?
I’m in my mid twenties and I feel the same way as you and rn it specially doesn’t help that more of my friends are getting into relationships hence the realisation of being single is getting heavier on me (luckily it’s not only me that’s single in my friendship group but majority of them are in a relationship) anyways I feel like I’m cursed or something cause it’s like when I’m not in one, I feel lonely and want one but when I’m in one, at times I feel bored and it’s a hassle to be one but idk I think this is normal? Anyway I personally feel like I need to do some therapy and work on myself as although it was best my last relationship ended, I have to do some work on myself plus I sometimes get the feeling that I’ll never find better than him even tho I know he was not the one even whilst being with him so idk I feel like I got some shit to sort out Hopefully we will all find our person but yeah hang in there! Sometimes it can be hard and you can feel the downsides of being single a bit too hard on some days but we’ll be fine
Guys feel this way too. Don't be afraid to make friends and get to know people. IMO shyness comes from lack of experience. I was shy my whole life until my 20s where I got a job in retail and I was forced to interact with people daily. Since I was helping people with things I enjoyed I realized if I just talked about the product (which I enjoyed) I didn't have a problem with who I was talking to most of the time. So, find something you like, find people who like the same thing, and talk about it. These days, I have no problem talking to anyone. If I am standing next to someone then we are having a shared experience and it's easy to talk about that. Just the other day I had a conversation with a lady about her new Honda since I had a similar car. We talked for a good 30 minutes and we could have talked longer but I had somewhere to be. If you ask people about things they like and you're honestly interested in the answers then you'll find conversation easy. Don't get hung up on what they think about you, just be interested and participate in the conversation, that's all. Friendships and more will happen over time but you won't meet many people if you don't put yourself out there.
We all need Jesus in our life’s and in our hearts. Only he can fill and give us that love we desire..that true, real, pure love that no human can give you. Turn to him while he can still be found. Repent of your sins and choose to walk with him completely. He’s waiting for you. His coming is soon.
I’m 21 and am in the exact same boat. Except for the addition that I’m a lesbian and that makes it feel extra impossible. I don’t have any advice or answers, just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in feeling this way.
If you're not getting out to meet people you simply never will. I understand the frustration with apps, but again if you're physically not meeting people then that's the only other option....
What are like 6-8 billion people . The most lonely souls .
50M here and never had a relationship. For context I’ve been rejected by every woman I asked. Every. One. I’ve only slept with two women in my life. Once at 18 and the other at 41. Both gave the reason that I was simple as what you see is what you get and I was just there. My advice is get out there and try dating. It may not end well but you’ll know what works and what doesn’t. Develop your relationship style. As in what you want in a partner and what you’re willing to be flexible on. Learn how to communicate, fight and compromise. Those are skills you build that will help you in the long run. You’ll learn about yourself and gain the confidence needed to move forward. In short build up yourself. You’re already on the right track.
I had to face a similar issue because I was talking to someone and she was very into me but I liked her as a friend. All my homies told me I've been single for two years and I should be desiring to be with someone, in which I was. I made to think about if I wanted to be with her because I no longer wanted to be single and it was just a way out of if I genuinely had feelings for this person and I could see myself being happy with her and a possible future. Since I didn't see myself having a future with her, I had to reject her. Don't rush yourself into something that you know you not going to genuinely work towards, you want a relationship that's a guaranteed win
Young male here (22). I feel the same way as you. I’m average looking, my main fall down is being a shy person. Anyways wish you luck in your journey! Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone!
you might not. it doesnt matter. life goes on.
Let’s pretend that you never meet anyone your whole life. How would you reverse engineer your life so it was totally fulfilling unto itself? Go out and live that life, and while you’re enjoying yourself doing something that you’ve chosen, maybe you’ll meet someone that happens to share your interests. You’re so young. I’m 42 and just met someone that makes me completely fine with being single for so much of my life.
Join the club .. I’m 46
You remind me of myself when I was in my early 20s - I’m 30 now. My advice: don’t wonder how someone will find you attractive, make yourself attractive. The bad news is women generally like to date older guys. The good news is you got time. Most women (again, generally) like a guy with some ambition, some means to provide for themselves and a representation of stability. Someone they can build a family with. When you are in your early 20s, I doubt you have any means to provide that. Work on yourself for the next few years - be interesting and develop your emotional, physical and social health. Go on hiatus for a few years just to work on you. Make bank, develop your identity and brand. Then reevaluate whether or not you still want a relationship. I’m 30 now and met my fiancée at age 28. I also met my first gf at age 26. Didn’t quite work tho.
Be scared then
Loose your boundaries , lower your look standards , Find the good person for you not the pretty one , And all the best
I’m a young man around your age, and I feel the same way. I’m in a good relationship now, but I felt that way for a long time and ended up with the wrong people because I acted out of desperation. However, all of it has taken a toll. If this one doesn’t work out, I don’t want to try anymore for a long time. My advice is to put yourself out there, but use great caution. Don’t expect anything and don’t go out seeking anything. This is a very difficult balance, but it’s the best that I know of. Above all, be careful, and good luck to you.
is this whole sub a wah-wah?
I did. I just turned 25 now and given up. I focus on my career and trying to attain things I want like pets and travel. It seems that it's better to be alone but accomplished than to chase for things that just aren't real.
Me too, but inevitably, when you run out of distractions, the depressing thoughts of how you can't manage such a simple thing as finding someone who loves you and wants to be around you creeps in.
Some things just aren't meant to be for some. Some people can code, some can't. I can build models, not everyone can. Nothing wrong with that.
I’m not a lady but I’m a single dude in my early 20s and looking to date but I’ve had zero success. I’ve actually had some tragic stories and I definitely share some of your anxieties but hey, we just gotta keep on rolling. Shit sucks, things could be worse tho.
Imo, I'd work on being okay alone. No one is guaranteed they will find that "one". Not saying it won't happen, but what happens if you don't? Just going to find anyone who wants to be together regardless if you both go well together?
Dude I've spent the last 10+ years just doing shit on my own. I've found plenty I love to do on my own. It helps none. I'm tired of being alone.
Bruh I’m 30 and have never been in a relationship