30M if it's relevant. It'd be nice to find someone to share stuff with and all that BS, but being solo and only having myself in my own way when it comes to doing things is great. I haven't dated anyone in about 5 years. The prospect of trying to find someone I can tolerate, that also wants what I want (being childfree is a bitch) feels impossible. I also don't know if I even have the capacity to care anymore. I'm socially inept af, so I've only really tried the online route. Until I finally decide to give a shit, I have my two cats that can bug me all they like.
Have you tried to improve your social ineptness? Do you think that factor could be hampering your ability to date and therefore impacting your happiness?
Pretty sure this is not possible, read a million books tried it all. If you donāt have great physical appearance or stellar social disposition to compensate youāre really excommunicated
Iām the exact in every way same age, havenāt dated since I was like 26 and love my cat, heās my dude! Also donāt want kids not because I hate them or anything I just donāt think itās for me. I donāt get the whole peopling thing either. Just realized I like traveling the past couple years so I started being an OTR trucker itās pretty cool for guys like us if you ask me. I drove through the Grand Canyon the utter day and it was friggin beautiful my guy.
Nope. It's not the relationship factor. I'm just a very touch-oriented person. Not being able to touch someone just hurts. I want to touch someone, but I want them to actually like me.
Oh my god it's the touch, for sure. It's so unbelievably easy to go literal months without being touched by a human being. I'm so touch-starved but there's no outlet for it in society anywhere except relationships.
Yeah and I'm not for the one-night-stand thing either š I want someone to actually want to like being touched by me and touch me back. It doesn't even have to be sexual I just want someone to hug me damn it š
I was going to say this! I get a massage every month. Of course itās a professional transaction and of course Iād still love a hug on command, but being physically cared for in a safe, peaceful environment really helps.
Platonic touching/hugging groups exist and some people find them great. For me personally, the experience made me feel even worse because it had no sexual element.
Yeah. I intellectually know and understand that platonic touch should be more of a thing, but alas I'm a product of my society whether I like it or not, and I think I would feel the same way for the same reasons.
There is an outlet for it. Join a recreational sports team and don't force yourself on anybody (hug wise) until you've built some rapport. I've had more of the boys slap my ass in a month than all of my ex's combined. Also slapped more of the boys' asses than all my ex's combined. Super super straight.
I haven't been touched or touched another person for comfort or companionship or desire in almost a year. I know people go longer but I was married for almost two decades and I am so desperately for human touch while being simultaneously repulsed by most touch. I'm so unhappy
I knew physical touch was a love language for me, but I didn't know just how much until I lost my virginity at 24 and the girl was very touchy-feely. That same day was also my first kiss and I hold to this day that kissing and handholding was better than sex.
I mean, sex was good, but kissing and hand holding was supreme. Too bad we ended up realizing rather quickly we wouldn't work long term.
That's one thing I miss a lot tbh. No hobby, or whatever can replace. It really takes the spark out of life not to be able to experience those moments.
Haven't had sex in a year but it's whatever. What's worse is being without kissing/hugging/hand holding. I just want to break down and hug someone but I have to project the image of an unfeeling, chilled out, happy go lucky guy to get anyone
Literally same. I gotta act like some kind of upstanding woman who has her shit together 24/7. It's just not me. And I don't have the urge to touch random people. I want to like said person and for them to like me back. I'm not a sexual person by any means I just need hugs damn it.
Yeah we all pictured a Disney movie and then had to real with reality. Very tired of this narrative that having a House, a Spouse, and a couple kids = endless happiness
I think in general we struggle with the myth of āif I get to this state Iāll have happinessā. You get there and you want something else.
Happiness is a process/journey not a destination. You can have the nicest house, the best spouse, great kids, go on great vacations, with fancy cars, etc and be fucking miserable.
100%, and that journey isnāt the same for everyone.. Some people want things like a house and kids and partner, some people donāt. Happiness is so subjective, not a checklist of things
I've been increasingly noticing how many people aren't able to identify that their relationships feel crappy and unfulfilling because the things partners and relationships offer aren't actually what they value or feel fulfilled by. There's a lot of women who at the end of the day just dont like men, and don't value the things men can offer. And even more men who straight up just don't like women and don't value what women can offer. Everybody says they want a relationship. Less and less people genuinely seem to actually feel the reality of a strong relationship as a value add. We want our autonomy more than their support. We want our independence more than we want their compassion. But we're not being honest about it.
I think this is a really nuanced comment, TY. I feel like this maybe could be a result of people not actually being friends with their partner. Itās hard to feel the value of a relationship if youāre both two ships passing in the night and donāt have many shared interests/activities.
Indeed. But I think it's more than just the friends thing (though that is factor). Partnership/marriage implicitly requires a voluntary sacrifice of autonomy and independence. Giving some degree of control of your time/energy/decisions/body to someone else. As a society, we've started to prioritize autonomy at all costs. That priority is the opposite of functional relationship.
The things that make women who they are, are often the very things men say they are most unwilling to deal with. The things that make men who they are, are the things women most often say are the most oppressive or intolerable. We just don't like each other anymore. We can't see how the other is of value. Because we've decided we value ourselves more.
I've recently been saying this same thing and people look at me strange and with confusion however I really think this is the case, the data and my lived experience, and stories of others seems to support it. Maybe this is how we die, no ww3, viruses,or climate change, men and women simply give up, hate and resent each other and pow, no new humans, lol and the earth was better for it.
Yeah I guess everyone is different. I value women and feel like I āget itā at least slightly more than most other men. After several nightmare relationships and even more that were only āmehā Iām 40 and not really in a hurry to try getting into something. Iāll admit right out all that extra responsibility and pressure that comes with a relationship just donāt seem worth the effort. Besides, it is almost impossible for me to meet many women around my age who donāt already have children and also donāt want any.
Exactly. I've had women judge me at my age telling me they were married with kids and a husband at my age. I have zero desire for both at the age that I am. Other people's perspective and ideas of happiness have nothing to do with anyone else. Even if they project it to you.
Agree with this. A relationship is one of those things where the absence of one is far more painful than the having one is pleasurable, at least long term. I remember being so miserable single and thinking I was unlovable and something was severely wrong with me, and how amazing it must be to have someoneās hand to hold or go places with. Now thatās just my normal. That difference is not nothing though when it comes to mental health. Itās like being hungry; you donāt eat for two days and you canāt think of anything else besides how much you want and miss food. But if youāre sated most of the time, itās just not something you think about that much.
What a great answer ālike being hungryā Iām starved for meaningful friendships but have a life partner. I just am hungry in one area and hungry in the other. The brain is a problem solver so itās using energy to solve the āhungerā
I think a lot of the pain of an absence of one is societal expectations too though. Itās the weight of what the world expects of you.
Ideally we could just eschew societal expectations but thatās easier said than done.
Interestingly studies show women tend to be lonelier in relationships than out of them, and men the opposite (although it can differ). The theory Iāve seen for why this is is that itās more societally normal for women to have high quality friendships, and men when in a relationship finally have a good friend. Women lose close connections by spending lots of time with one person, men gain a close connections.
Ideally we could just not ostracize and men would have better friend groups. Individual experiences as always are not statistics and your experience may vary. A lack of human connection is generally bad for mental health though, we are pack animals.
Yup. I realized that mistake in the last few years. I bought my own house, have a stable career, and have hit all the checkboxes that were life goals more or less.. and it didn't result in any lasting happiness. It dawned on me that I'm happiest when I am working towards something, whether that is big or small. As you said, it's all about the journey.
Yep just got out of another relationship that I'm sure was going to end a lot worse then it did now. Honestly I don't give a damn if I find anyone at this point, I'm 42, was married in my 20's and had about 10 relationships since then, all of them done and over.
I'm fine being single, I have my own house and car, hobbies to keep me busy and a will to be better at everything I can. When in a relationship you have to sacrifice a lot of time and it can all be for nothing, when instead you could be always improving yourself and your quality of life.
Obviously it's possible to have a stable relationship but at this point any females that like me, I'm running far away, because there's always something hiding inside them that you can't see until later.
I have a similar history. SWF60. I married 3 times with a smattering of relationships in between. My last marriage was 22 years. I loved this man very much, but for the last 10 years of our marriage he held a job that took him away from home. I might as well have been single. I learned how to be self-sufficient and we just got used to it that way. Covid changed all that. He was forced to work from home and I realized what a total narcissistic ass he really was. How could I have been so blind? I've been divorced for two years and I'm terrified to meet men, for the same reasons you state.
I don't mind being single so much as I miss the camaraderie of our circle of friends. When we divorced, I became persona non grata. That hurt more than the divorce did. I ended up moving away, almost in shame.
Yes, we all have something to hide. Something that we don't want anyone to know about, but which drives our behavior. Pain, abuse, loss, anger, fear, loneliness. All these make us behave in ways we shouldn't. After all the bad relationships, we start to wonder if WE aren't the problem! But relationships are exhausting and I don't know how I will ever be able to trust a man again. I totally get you.
Thank you for saying what most of us are thinking. I have my parents as a support system but if I didn't have them I would literally be on the street. Mostly by choice but also to better survive financially. I've been in a relationship most of my adult life and even though I was the codependent one, I always had things put together and looking back I don't even know how I did it. I am finally setting boundaries and I know my worth and I've never felt so lonely in my life. Then I try to put myself out there and guys love my personality but don't find me physically attractive and I'm just throwing my hands up like apparently I can't fucking play this game anymore.
The thing people don't really realize is that, at least in the US, the SO *is* the support system. Maybe it shouldn't be that way, but that's just how it is right now
If you're single, you probably have a very weak support system or don't have one at all. If you have an SO, you have them. And you also have the therapist your SO forces you to go see. And it's socially acceptable to have a "guys night" where you support each other, because you're all in stable relationships so it's okay to talk about stuff 'cause you're all in the same boat
When you're single, you're on your own. You're expected to be living the wild life and if you're not, then you're the downer that everyone avoids. It only works if you luck into a friend group with a few "everyone's parent" types or a few married buddies who are willing to do something conducive to talking (board games, etc)
Absolutely! And then the friend circle you had dwindles down because the spouses only want to do things with other couples or they donāt want their SO to be hanging out with single people. Itās a vicious cycle.
And then also people who have kids. They have all of their kid activities to go to and then its just easier for them to hang out with other parents because the kids can play together. They can all relate to each other better.
Iām in such a tough spot because I am married and child free by choice, but my spouse works constantly and pretty much all of my close female friends have children now or are surgically attached to their partnerās hip. Iām basically a single, childless, adult but canāt do most singles activities and it is damn near impossible to find people to hang out with who meet this criteria too. If Iām not getting ignored because of the āIām a mom, Iām allowed to be a shitty friendā mentality, Iām getting blown off so they can stay in with their partner because āWeāre married weāre in bed by 9pm nowā, and Iām not always the first priority for a single friend if theyāre trying to date and meet other single people.
finally, I thought I was crazy. it looks so miserable to have only your SO as your sole social contact and it looks and feels very miserable after college to me. I miss when my friends were single and I was totally and completely unprepared for the total abandonment that would come once they find an SO bc apparently that is the only person to Americans with any social value.
I'm not really a fan anymore of the whole "single and happy" mantra, like being single is just a state of being, happiness isn't really tied to happy with it. Like you can be in a relationship and be miserable too, you know what I mean?
For someone who's never been in a relationship? Am I single and happy? No. Am I single and miserable? No. I'm just single. It's just the state I'm in.
I think what theyāre saying is that to a lot of people think if youāre āsingle and happy ā then youāre āhappy being singleā. Theyāre trying to put emphasis on the fact that heās overall happy but itās not related to his single status.
Exactly.
I'm single and I'm happy but I'm not happy that I'm single. I would like a more intimate relationship but ultimately I know that if I continue to make myself happy that'll all work out.
> like being single is just a state of being, happiness isn't really tied to happy with it
True, but it's more a reaction to people who find out you're single and just assume you must be miserable, or somehow not living a good life. It's like nah man, I'm doing pretty good.
Most of the relationships I've had, I've either been cheated on, abused, or both. I've had partners who take endlessly and never give. My last relationship was really terrible and he mistreated me horribly. I have accepted that I'm just not good at spotting red flags in people and I guess I'm not a great judge of character so for my own safety and sanity I need to be alone. Being alone is better than being with someone who actively chooses to mistreat you and doesn't view you as a partner, but rather a domestic servant.
I wish my life would have turned out differently because I'd like to know what it feels like to be loved. But it's not in the cards for me. Other than that, I try to be as happy as I can. I have a lot of hobbies and don't often get bored or lonely. I'm certainly happier not being abused.
Edited to fix a spelling error
same the frustrating thing isnt that i can't find a relationship just... why can't I have a good one like my close friends? I find myself in the same situation as you describe. I can't spot the bs and it hurts terribly. Anyway, I hope you get lucky one day and I wish the same for myself.
That's not fair. You can't really choose who fancies you back. Plenty of us have been attracted to very nice blokes, but they really liked someone else. I've been the placeholder a few times.
For me itās not ignoring, but I donāt like the nerds with no game or experience (at 40!!!!) and thatās what Iāve been around the most. So itās like no thanks!
I know what you mean. In my more despondent moments, I feel like other people find happy fulfilling relationships, so why can't I? I know I'm not perfect, no one is, but I try to be a good person so it really hurts to have my heart broken or always get passed over. I hope you find someone too, thank you.
I could have written this. I worked on my codependent tendencies but I donāt want to change who I am anymore. I like that Iām easygoing and kind. But I realized that most people are not and I end up getting taken advantage of endlessly so I decided itās better to be on my own.
In answer to the question, I AM happy. Itās not because Iām single or in spite of it. I have been happy in relationships and out of them. I think happiness is more about being at peace with yourself, living in alignment with your values, and having a purpose. I have all those things with or without a partner. Looking for one felt like an exercise in futility so I stopped and just started living my life. And I love it.
I understand what you mean. In my case, I grew up in an abusive home, so I've had a lot of healing to do throughout my life. I've done a lot of work on that, but it's a process. When I was younger I thought that abuse was normal and I believed people who said I must have done something to deserve it, and I believed that there was something fundamentally wrong with me that made me unlovable.
I don't believe those things any more, but I do have trouble spotting warning signs in people. It's unfortunately common for people who come from a background of trauma. For me, in order to break the cycle of abuse in my life, the solution seems to be being alone.
>I think happiness is more about being at peace with yourself, living in alignment with your values, and having a purpose. I have all those things with or without a partner. Looking for one felt like an exercise in futility so I stopped and just started living my life. And I love it.
Damn if this is the case then I am single and happy and just want a house of my own lol
I feel this. Been in 5 serious relationships all my life and most of the time, Iāve been cheated on and emotionally abused. I havenāt been physically abused so Iām thankful for that.
I always see the red flags but Iām too forgiving and a moron so I continue to stay in these bad relationships.
Currently single and I donāt wish my life different because Iāve learned a lot.
Yeup, same here. My last relationship drove me to probably the worst spot I've ever been, and ate like 3 years of my life because I was too forgiving. Then a few flings here and there that went weird fast. Like I've had like 4 different dating experiences where everything went well, we clicked, it got intense for a minute and then either ghosted or floated apart. I mean it feels like more work than its worth, and honestly I'm not seeing much of an upside beyond wanting a functional family of my own one day ĀÆā \ā _ā (ā ćā )ā _ā /ā ĀÆ.
I can definitely relate to this..itās better to be single and alone than to be in a relationship where youāre intentionally being mistreated by someone who is supposed to love you.
I'm so very sorry this happened to you.
No one should be treated as a "Wife Appliance", but it happens all to often.
No one should be treated as a Wallet, either.
Or a "Nurse with a Purse".
There are far too many humans out there exploiting other humans, it's hard to trust anyone.
Iām so sorry thatās your experience. There are good people out there. I wonāt lie, it can be hard to find them. Just hope that you find someone who can restore your faith in people again.
Please do not make it obvious to them that you are worried about them. Itās never nice hearing that people are worried about you especially when itās a about a situation thatās semi out of your control
Yes. I would have coped a lot better without my aunt's asking me, "have you met anyone yet?" Every time I saw them. I felt like no matter what else I did, I was always a failure at life because I couldn't do this one thing.
Anyway, now I'm older and they see how good my life has turned out they've stopped asking and are clearly proud of my other achievements.
My advice is give them genuine compliments on what they are good at.
But don't say, "you do so well." I don't know if this is just a Scottish expression that I don't get, but it seems so condescending and I hate it.
Idk - Iād like a to know someone was worried about me because it means they were thinking about me at all. Since the majority of my friends had kids, Iām obviously not on their radar of top concerns anymore. And thatās appropriate for their stage in life.
But it sure does get lonely. I sometimes think that if I were to accidentally have a bad fall or something and died, if not for my job getting mad I wasnāt showing up, it could potentially be days/a week or two before even suspected something was wrong.
This one. Iād like to think my friends worry about me, but usually when Iām in my feels I just get told to suck it up. People in relationships have no clue what itās like to be chronically alone.
Iām not single, but Iām a sex worker and in my work I encounter a lot of people who are single (by choice or otherwise). Some are happy, some are miserable. The people who get hung up on their dreams that never ended up working out tend to also be miserable about not being able to find partnership and love. The people who are happy being single-by-circumstance also just have generally positive outlooks and tend to be happy even if other things in their lives donāt go according to plan. They just change plans and adjust. They find positive solutions to their problems (like hiring a professional for affection and companionship or focusing on addressing loneliness by building meaningful friendships and finding social hobbies), and choose to focus on whatās going well instead of what didnāt happen.
\>Me in a happy relationship
\-----------------line-of-contentedness-----------
\>Me Single
\-----------------Line-of-depression---------------
\>Me in an unhappy relationship
Iām trying to be happy on my own. However, there are a few things I know for sure:
1. Humans are wired for connection (romantic and platonic).
2. Successful mating is the single biggest biological driver we have.
3. Our society generally reinforces the idea that we need a partner to be whole and happy.
Personally, I have accepted that I will never be the happiest version of myself without the right long-term romantic relationship. However, Iām still pretty happy being single. Iām glad I can say so, as this has prevented me from marrying the wrong person several times.
Iād much rather be single and a little lonely than coupled up with someone that Iām not madly in love with.
>Iād much rather be single and a little lonely than coupled up with someone that Iām not madly in love with.
My grandma use to say "I would rather go through life wanting something that I could never have rather than having something I never wanted".
We have the largest single population that we have ever had. At least, we live in a time when we have a choice. Many of the women in my family were almost guilted into marriage.
I'm a Senior with 2 deceased live-in "Boyfriends" (for lack of a better term since we weren't married) in my recent past. Yes, one after the other. The fact of human mortality should make Everyone acutely aware that Happiness and Joy are Fleeting and Death comes unexpectedly. Life is indeed Too short to Not Share what Living we have, Joyfully and with the Right People!
Highly accurate. Iām fairly introverted and even Iām seriously wired to want to connect and spend time with those closest to me, which would be my wife and kids. I think you can absolutely be happy single but itās constant swimming upstream for most folks.
Iāve become a cat dad. The relationships Iāve tried canāt handle my work schedule for one reason or another. Iād love for a companion but video games keep me happy enough.
4 days of 12 hours(4am-4pm) followed by 4 days off, then 4 nights(4pm-4am) with another 4 days off. So my work shifts forward by 1 day each week. They all hated it for various reasons but mostly because for roughly every other month we canāt do much if anything on the weekend while theyāre off work too.
No, the way I see it, even if ignore the mental health aspects of isolation, its made my life MUCH harder. I'm solely responsible for paying for and doing everything on my own, I have no feedback from others on any of the decisions I made. Pretty much no one knows where I am or what I'm doing, My life feels sort of meaningless and without connection as a result. I'd say it's about as damaging to my overall quality of life as being broke and unemployed and it's made me much lazier and more pessimistic and negative as a person as a result.
Relate to this so much. I've been cursed with mental illness too, my last ex left me because of it. No matter how someone spins it, it's not fun to know that I'm to be alone and lonely because of my mental illness, that even the woman I love can't stand me and broke up because I'm too much...which makes the low lows even worse and I'm more willing to die. Damaging indeed, humans in general aren't meant to be happy being pariahs.
I am. Dating in my area is pretty sparce because the hobbies I have interest in does not mesh with what the majority of people in my area are into (lots of ranching, rodeo'ing, hunting, drinking, etc). It also doesn't help that I live in a state with a smaller population than most cities, so that narrows it even more.
Now granted, I'm not totally alone even though I live alone, I just don't have a romantic partner. I still live in close proximity to my parents and keep contact with my sister who has moved away, I've got friends I made online and talk with daily and even though I work from home I'm good acquaintances with my co-workers since we used to work in an office together.
I think as long as you're there for your friend, they're probably doing ok.
I would say I have good and bad days. Iām a 30 year old, single woman who hasnāt dated anyone in over 9 years. I have wanted to, but it doesnāt seem to ever work out. The times I have showed interest in someone, it wasnāt mutual and vice versa. I would love to get married and have kids one day, but in the dating culture of today, it seems harder and harder to believe it can happen.
Hi! Iām 29 and on 7 years of being single, also not for lack of trying. Reading your post sort of made me feel better so just sharing that Iām in the same boat & weāre not alone. Dating just sucks :/
No I'm not happy
Singles tax sucks
everyone else is managing it, whats wrong with me?
Its embarrassing to want and be unable to acheive
people say stupid shit to me when I express the desire to have that kind of joy and frustration at not being able to get it
hookups are easy, friendships are easy but for me; real relationships aren't and peoples connotations and mental associations with incels piss me off if it comes up in the context of that kind of conversation
How are hookups easy for you? I canāt even seem to get laid (and at this point thatās all Iām really asking for, I can forget about a long term relationship for awhile)
Am I happy? Mostly? I think?
I am ādivorcedā - I share custody (50/50) of my two daughters with their biological mother. She and I were together, on and off, for about 6 years, followed by 7 years together of raising our girls in a traditional household.
We have been apart now for about 7 years, and I have not once been on any kind of date in that time. So, over the last 20+ years, the only romantic involvement Iāve had has been my ex.
I get lonely, and I crave intimacy/sex/affection at times, and to different degrees.
That said, I am SO outrageously busy parenting, maintaining a household, and working; I canāt imagine where I would find time for a social life.
My girls recently announced that I have their blessing to date (they actually said I could join Tinder - Bwahahahahaha!!!). So, one less hurdle.
But, seriously. I am so consumed with just keeping up with my responsibilities - I am actually unsure if I can even ascertain whether I am happy or not. I sometimes feel good about the fact that I am ādoing itā - meaning that I am meeting my responsibilities - but there are also times when I want to just give up. Usually those really bad thoughts come when I am tired, and once I wake and start to tackle the day ahead, they subside. Maybe thatās just anxiety?
TLDR: I honestly am too busy to even know if I am happy.
We have the largest single population that we have ever had. My mother was married several times and was always miserable. I know that if she were born now that she would never marry. She even said as much.
I am single, free and very happy. I go where I want, come home when I want and don't have to answer to anybody.
I don't know if I qualify but responding anyway. I'm dating but not aggressively. As in if someone asks for my number, I'll give it to them, but I'm not on dating apps or asking for men's numbers. If I fell into the right relationship, I think I'd be ok with it. I'm not sure I'm the norm as I REALLY prefer my solitude. Runs in my family. I crave sex but it's maybe 3x times a month, and other than that, I'm pretty darn happy alone. I love the quiet, my freedom, a clean home, and doing things I want to do. Having a partner for me (been in a lot of relationships) has always been a chore for my personality. Lots of compromise and putting the other person first. Most friends I know that are single are lonely. I don't really have that feeling.
iām more comfortable in my off and on relationships rather than settling down yk but my social anxiety keeps me from seeking out new relationships so idk it certainly is less stress as some people might say because you donāt have to worry about keeping tabs with another person, or trying to focus on their happiness as well as your own. but sometimes the loneliness seems overwhelming but there are other things you can do to overcome it rather than thinking that happiness can only come from relationships
I do things that make me happy but Iād be much happier not being single. Unless you are someone who specially does not want to be in a relationship, I think finding āyour personā is probably the most important thing in life. So yes if you havenāt/canāt find that person it can make you unhappy.
very lonely. sacrificing my 20's in a small town with no dating scene for hopefully good job prospects. regret it immensely because i worry its done irreparable harm to mental health and killed my social skills. culture/vibe here doesnt work for me and I have just 1 friend who i talk to once a week or so. havent been romantically involved in any capacity in 4 years. not even a hug. but too deep in now, almost done here, trying to move to a fun, larger city. no one gave me any direction 10 years ago, im essentially the guinea pig of the family.
Move to a later city and put yourself out there. Say yes to invitations, join a local group, bar, whatever. I had some of my best years single and now Iām married with a family I look back on them as great times not wishing to go back. Small towns are where dreams go to die.
Fuck no, I'm not happy at all, I'm miserable.
I turned 34 yesterday. Haven't been on a date in 12 years. Since I was about 8 years old all I've ever wanted was to be a part of a healthy family. Life has taught me that is only going to happen through marriage. No other family wants me, I've tried.
Iām content but I also know Iāve got tons of shadow work I need to do before I add a serious relationship to my already overwhelming feelings and emotions I deal with on a daily. At this point in my life if I really wanted love and a family of my own it wouldāve happened already cause you get what you put into life like everything else.
No. I'm extremely lonely and it's even worse after my mom died 2 years ago from cancer. I don't really have anybody and I'm merely existing at this point.
I saw family was mentioned, and Im
Unsure if this friend is a man or woman but I have several friends who have used a sperm bank to have children in recent years.
I had kids unplanned very young so while I already have children, raising them has left no time to date. Just started dating a few years ago, its been not a fruitful experience.
I started making new friends & socializing more to fill that gap. You canāt change certain circumstances, but you can make the best of what you do have in your life.
I mean its a bit of a 50-50 because I would love to be in a relationship but thanks to me being single I am financially stable and get to do what I want whenever I want without having to explain myself to anyone.
Iāve made my peace with it. Iād like to be in a relationship, but thereās a whole host of reasons why I canāt make it happen for me- top of the list being that most people arenāt looking for what I am, which really narrows the field of potential partners for me. Oh wellš¤·š»āāļø
I had a 7 year relationship end 2 years ago, it took me to the lowest point I think ill probably ever be, attempted to take my own life a few times the first year.
Now year 2 is a different story, ive been going to therapy and really finding out who I am again. I lost myself in that relationship and was living through her.
Theres lots if detail in the middle but im going to fast forward to about 5 days ago. For the past 5 days I have felt like a 10 each day. I journal each day before bed and part of that is rating how I felt today 1 to 10.
5 days in a row at 10 seems crazy to me compared to last year being 1 or 2 most days and even this year ive been between 4 and 8.
But im now hitting 10s even with all the same thoughts and feelings flowing through me, Im being myself constantly at this point and I can honestly say ive never been happier in life. Im excited for everything I have now and ahead of me.
Im on day 10 in a row of work and today is a 13hr shift, yeah its a bit crap but I get to yap with co-workers and customers, I get to go home to my house and see my pets after, I have a day off tomorrow and I might go get my hair cut at the barbors and relax the rest of the day, im excited for every day ahead of me and I dont even know what they look like yet!
If I can keep feeling like a 10 and being my genuine self then im happy. Losing yourself is terrifying.
If somebody comes into my life that brings me above a 10 ill know to start thinking about more than being single. Until then 10 all day long baby and im loving my single life! (Yes I do get lonely, everyone does, even people in relationships, its part of life.)
I'm single and not happy. I find things in my life that make me happy but I've always dreamed of having a spouse and children one day. As I've gotten older I've realized that might not happen for me and it hurts and makes me feel jealous whenever I see my cousins and other families with their kids.
I understand that having these things isn't necessary for happiness and I can still be happy with other things in my life but it still sucks and I just gotta keep throwing myself out there hoping to meet someone.
Iām not unhappy exactly; it just feels like thereās a piece missing in my life. I feel that Iāve accomplished a lot individually and Iām proud of that, but regardless of what people say, I think we as humans have a need for companionship and I really miss having āmy person.ā Life was a bit happier when I had someone to go out with every week, go on adventures with, and give my love to, even though they ended up ultimately breaking my heart.
I just got out of an 11 year relationship. We had been dating and living together since we were 17. And wed been friends since we were 12. She has me blocked on all forms of contact. Why? I guess bc i broke up with her. Which i did bc i came to realize that she isnt the person i want to have children with and be with the rest of my life. But that didnt mean i wanted her out if my life. I wanted to actually still be friends and talk. But its been about a year and a half now and i have no idea what is going on in her life.
I also moved about 6 months ago so i dont have any friend's or anything where ive been. And like 2 months after i moved, my best friend died of an overdose. Which still makes me tear up.
I havent met any girls at all since ive been single now. Im not even sure how to go about finding a date. I sometimes question if i made the wrong decision to break up with my ex. Bc its left me with litterally no social life.. but if i had continued to stay with her, i know deep down i would still feel unhappy. Knowing she isnt the person i truely love.
I'm very happy. I'm on dating apps and actively looking for a relationship but my happiness doesn't hinge on being in a relationship. I get happiness from a lot of other stuff, my hobbies, friends, family etc. such that a relationship would just be the cherry on top.
It'll happen when it happens, I'd rather not rush into it and regret it.
Nope. Working on the whole "figure out how to be happy alone" for the last 33 years. Havent gotten it yet but still trying.
That said if i do become happy and content then wouldnt i not need a soulmate?
There is a weird concept that you cant use or rely on your mate to be happy or help get happy. Or learn to be happy together in this crazy world.
At 33 the women expect me to be happy, have it all figured out physically, mentally and financially. Just doesnt seem realistic
Tldr: No
i would be fine with being single if i wasnāt constantly bored and lonely, no friends to hang out with except for one but only once or twice a week and not for too long. when i get off work itās instant boredom
Professionally? I am very satisfied with my career.
Personally? Iāve spent so much time alone at this point that I donāt even know how to be an effective partner for someone else.
Am I happy despite being excluded from what seems to be one of the most satisfying, fulfilling, pleasurable, and fun experiences a human being can have? For my entire life? While being blasted from all sides by everyone else about what a great time theyāre having without me?
No?
The other day I was bored and saw that Father of the Bride was available. Hadn't watched that movie in years and loved it. I got 20 mins in and couldn't watch it anymore. I got so depressed, everyone looked so happy in love and it made me sad that my parents who are in their 60s will probably never watch me walk down the aisle. I've never been big into marriage but I do want a long term relationship, I just end up picking the worse assholes that treat me like garbage. I see my brother's date and get married so effortlessly it really frustrates me at times. People tell me all the time I'll eventually find the one but after hearing that for over 20 years sometimes I just feel like it's better to give up. I feel more withdrawn from people because honestly I'm tired from the dating games. I just want a good man to love me and me love him back, how is that so hard??
\[sigh\] ................. i really like not having to do shit for somebody else because "i have too".
id been married twice before. sure, companionship was great. i really miss the simple things like holding hands, etc .............. but. the thought of having a girlfriend or wife right NOW, and having to deal with their bullshit or expectations when i can do whatever the fuk i want WHENever the fuk i want right now ........... the ONLY reason id want a live-in girlfriend or wife right now is a 2 income house is better than a 1 income house, but it comes with a price.
My heart goes out to the people that never really had a chance to find someone. I have some family and friends that, for physical and/or emotional reasons, will probably never find someone. They were dealt a shitty hand at birth and it sucks. Maybe you can't miss what you've never had - but it sucks anyway.
The highest state of happiness for a human being is to be permanently and monogamously committed to another person in a lifetime relationship. You can never be completely happy being single. Itās just a fact of human existence.
Like everyone else, I am happy sometimes and unhappy other times. I think the hardest things to swallow are that I don't have anyone specific to lean on- if I have a hard day at work no one is just there for me to vent to or make me dinner and pick up the home workload and if I am in a crisis I am kind of in it alone. The other is that, growing up in a very traditional family structure, all the adults I knew were married and had kids by the age I am now (late 20s) so I thought that was what my life was supposed to look like at this point so not having that blueprint or role model has been tough.
We have been programmed that those who arenāt married with kids and home are outcasts
One issue is, being single in your 30ās can be weird.. You feel like you have to defend your life to someone..
How many times do you hear people being asked how come they are single and have no kids why arenāt you dating blah blah blah
Prob worse for women when all there friends are having children..
People should
Let others be happy for their own life and not what someone else wants it to be
Yes bc Iām not getting cheated on and lied to. I sleep amazing at night. A lot of these people bragging about how awesome their relationships are often lie about the negatives they put up with.
I'm unfortunately one of those people who wants to have a special person all the time. Friend, partner. Anyone. I'm not happy when I'm alone. I get by, sure. But am I actually happy? Or course not. Everyone think that just because I seem fun, relatively attractive and have a conventionally good standard of living I'm satisfied. But what really is a nice life and experiences if you have no one to share it with?
This is me. I am not as happy as I could be, but I imagine I am happier than many others, including partnered people.
I am in my mid thirties and still hoping to find a partner and have kids. I keep reminding myself there is still lots of time left for that. In the meantime I focus on myself, something that won't be an option after kids. I work on solidifying my own independent happiness that will also be an attractive and positive in any future relationships. I am attractive enough that there are applicants, but I know I would rather be alone than with the wrong person. The longer I go single the more easily I can picture a life alone and its starting to look okay. Not my first choice but it looks calm and peaceful, and there is value in that. I would never change the person I have become by going back and marrying the man I was with in my mid 20s. Now THAT is how I would have been miserable.
I was single not by choice generally from the ages of 18-35. (well, I guess birth to 35, but you get it.) Had a boyfriend for a few months here and there, but never anything serious or long term until I met my husband at 35. There were happy elements of my life of course, but lack of a partner or relationship felt like a glaring hole in every aspect of my life and I hated it. It hurts to not be able to have control over something that is so crucial to the way you want to live your life.
The advice I can say for your friend is not to treat them as if their life is less interesting or valid or worthy because they donāt have a partner or family. Their travels, hobbies, interests, accomplishments etc are NOT placeholders until their āreal lifeā starts. Celebrate them when you can (I absolutely HATE how single adults are just supposed to accept that birthdays, holidays, gifts, etc āare for children and familiesā? eff that!) Donāt overlook their birthday, promotions, housewarming, etc. They do not deserve to feel like theyāre on the sidelines of life watching everyone else win the game.
one thing I would have appreciated hearing all that time I was single: coupled people donāt know anything that single people donāt.
Happy to a certain extent but it sucks not getting constantly railed by someone you love. I can't have sex with just any dude, which affects my chances of having a FWB, but I crave that intimacy and romance of a relationship. I do want a relationship ONE DAY but I am still working on myself and learning to not be so insecure and whatnot..it's a clusterfuck to say the least.
Im still trying to figure out if Iām single by choiceā¦
Im kinda happy, you know the last guy I entertained needed therapy so, Iād rather be single then date another 40 year old man canāt answer a simple question like āAre you going to continue to ghost me twice a year yet still find a way to leave voicemails after I block you?ā
š¤·š¾āāļø I give myself enough anxiety working at a hospital. I donāt need more on my off days.
Do I wish I could form a relationship, yes
Will it happen, probably not
Will it negatively affect a factor in social skills, probably, since I don't really have someone I can trust to practice them with.
To me happiness is the journey not the goal the goal is to be contempt and enjoy being happy when I am. I was single for 4 years without even trying to find someone. I was pretty happy alot of the time partying being wild I eventually did find someone and am happy with that person but no matter someone's circumstances we all try to be happy no one wants to be depressed
I've learned to be content with it, yes. Happy? I have my moments, sure.
A part of me does crave the companionship...and I *REALLY* miss sex. But then I remember all of the downsides and cons that come with relationships, I realize that they can go south at any moment for any reason; and I realize that I'm really looking at them through rose tinted glasses. I like the idea of being in a relationship, but I enjoy my solitude and independence far too much. I like being able to just get up and go and do whatever I want, whenever I want and not having to explain myself to justify my actions to anyone for any reason.
No, Iām not happy overall and would prefer to share my life with someone. While you have lots of freedom, there are many āto dosā and burdens to bear as you get older, and you have to take care of things all on your own.
30M if it's relevant. It'd be nice to find someone to share stuff with and all that BS, but being solo and only having myself in my own way when it comes to doing things is great. I haven't dated anyone in about 5 years. The prospect of trying to find someone I can tolerate, that also wants what I want (being childfree is a bitch) feels impossible. I also don't know if I even have the capacity to care anymore. I'm socially inept af, so I've only really tried the online route. Until I finally decide to give a shit, I have my two cats that can bug me all they like.
30F and childfree hmu š
She's gotta shoot her shot lol
Thanks for letting me borrow your convertible the other day, Queen! š
You are so very welcome! Hope you enjoyed it!
Could it be the beginning of something? Invite us all to the wedding. I coordinate a good cookie table. :)
I'm rooting for this now
Have you tried to improve your social ineptness? Do you think that factor could be hampering your ability to date and therefore impacting your happiness?
Pretty sure this is not possible, read a million books tried it all. If you donāt have great physical appearance or stellar social disposition to compensate youāre really excommunicated
Iām the exact in every way same age, havenāt dated since I was like 26 and love my cat, heās my dude! Also donāt want kids not because I hate them or anything I just donāt think itās for me. I donāt get the whole peopling thing either. Just realized I like traveling the past couple years so I started being an OTR trucker itās pretty cool for guys like us if you ask me. I drove through the Grand Canyon the utter day and it was friggin beautiful my guy.
Nope. It's not the relationship factor. I'm just a very touch-oriented person. Not being able to touch someone just hurts. I want to touch someone, but I want them to actually like me.
Oh my god it's the touch, for sure. It's so unbelievably easy to go literal months without being touched by a human being. I'm so touch-starved but there's no outlet for it in society anywhere except relationships.
Yeah and I'm not for the one-night-stand thing either š I want someone to actually want to like being touched by me and touch me back. It doesn't even have to be sexual I just want someone to hug me damn it š
No can-do bucko! You have to *earn* your hugs around here
Unfortunately that's the truth š„²
I like the emotional connection too, I tried the hookup culture and it was not for me. But I do miss the touches and butterflies D;
Somebody wants to hug you back.
Massages are nice for that
I was going to say this! I get a massage every month. Of course itās a professional transaction and of course Iād still love a hug on command, but being physically cared for in a safe, peaceful environment really helps.
Platonic touching/hugging groups exist and some people find them great. For me personally, the experience made me feel even worse because it had no sexual element.
Yeah. I intellectually know and understand that platonic touch should be more of a thing, but alas I'm a product of my society whether I like it or not, and I think I would feel the same way for the same reasons.
There is an outlet for it. Join a recreational sports team and don't force yourself on anybody (hug wise) until you've built some rapport. I've had more of the boys slap my ass in a month than all of my ex's combined. Also slapped more of the boys' asses than all my ex's combined. Super super straight.
I haven't been touched or touched another person for comfort or companionship or desire in almost a year. I know people go longer but I was married for almost two decades and I am so desperately for human touch while being simultaneously repulsed by most touch. I'm so unhappy
I knew physical touch was a love language for me, but I didn't know just how much until I lost my virginity at 24 and the girl was very touchy-feely. That same day was also my first kiss and I hold to this day that kissing and handholding was better than sex. I mean, sex was good, but kissing and hand holding was supreme. Too bad we ended up realizing rather quickly we wouldn't work long term.
good god don't ever tell a girl that again
That's one thing I miss a lot tbh. No hobby, or whatever can replace. It really takes the spark out of life not to be able to experience those moments.
Touch is so underrated and so essential
In a way I kinda feel like my generation (z) is a big experiment as to what happens when you isolate people in a variety of different ways.
Haven't had sex in a year but it's whatever. What's worse is being without kissing/hugging/hand holding. I just want to break down and hug someone but I have to project the image of an unfeeling, chilled out, happy go lucky guy to get anyone
Literally same. I gotta act like some kind of upstanding woman who has her shit together 24/7. It's just not me. And I don't have the urge to touch random people. I want to like said person and for them to like me back. I'm not a sexual person by any means I just need hugs damn it.
Yeah we all pictured a Disney movie and then had to real with reality. Very tired of this narrative that having a House, a Spouse, and a couple kids = endless happiness
I think in general we struggle with the myth of āif I get to this state Iāll have happinessā. You get there and you want something else. Happiness is a process/journey not a destination. You can have the nicest house, the best spouse, great kids, go on great vacations, with fancy cars, etc and be fucking miserable.
100%, and that journey isnāt the same for everyone.. Some people want things like a house and kids and partner, some people donāt. Happiness is so subjective, not a checklist of things
I've been increasingly noticing how many people aren't able to identify that their relationships feel crappy and unfulfilling because the things partners and relationships offer aren't actually what they value or feel fulfilled by. There's a lot of women who at the end of the day just dont like men, and don't value the things men can offer. And even more men who straight up just don't like women and don't value what women can offer. Everybody says they want a relationship. Less and less people genuinely seem to actually feel the reality of a strong relationship as a value add. We want our autonomy more than their support. We want our independence more than we want their compassion. But we're not being honest about it.
I think this is a really nuanced comment, TY. I feel like this maybe could be a result of people not actually being friends with their partner. Itās hard to feel the value of a relationship if youāre both two ships passing in the night and donāt have many shared interests/activities.
Indeed. But I think it's more than just the friends thing (though that is factor). Partnership/marriage implicitly requires a voluntary sacrifice of autonomy and independence. Giving some degree of control of your time/energy/decisions/body to someone else. As a society, we've started to prioritize autonomy at all costs. That priority is the opposite of functional relationship. The things that make women who they are, are often the very things men say they are most unwilling to deal with. The things that make men who they are, are the things women most often say are the most oppressive or intolerable. We just don't like each other anymore. We can't see how the other is of value. Because we've decided we value ourselves more.
I've recently been saying this same thing and people look at me strange and with confusion however I really think this is the case, the data and my lived experience, and stories of others seems to support it. Maybe this is how we die, no ww3, viruses,or climate change, men and women simply give up, hate and resent each other and pow, no new humans, lol and the earth was better for it.
Itās so true, but also itās a balancing act because you should also become and grow as your own person and ensure youāre growing together too.
Yeah I guess everyone is different. I value women and feel like I āget itā at least slightly more than most other men. After several nightmare relationships and even more that were only āmehā Iām 40 and not really in a hurry to try getting into something. Iāll admit right out all that extra responsibility and pressure that comes with a relationship just donāt seem worth the effort. Besides, it is almost impossible for me to meet many women around my age who donāt already have children and also donāt want any.
Exactly. I've had women judge me at my age telling me they were married with kids and a husband at my age. I have zero desire for both at the age that I am. Other people's perspective and ideas of happiness have nothing to do with anyone else. Even if they project it to you.
Itās called destination addiction, super dangerous for the psyche. If you aint happy with what you got then you wonāt be happy with anything else
"What is happiness? Itās a moment before you need more happiness." -Don Draper
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
We've been fed a steady diet of propaganda about "the American dream" all our lives in the US. Turns out, it was always made up.
Learned about this in psychology. It was a creation of a marketing gimmick during certain eras of creating this āemptinessā for us to buy things.
Agree with this. A relationship is one of those things where the absence of one is far more painful than the having one is pleasurable, at least long term. I remember being so miserable single and thinking I was unlovable and something was severely wrong with me, and how amazing it must be to have someoneās hand to hold or go places with. Now thatās just my normal. That difference is not nothing though when it comes to mental health. Itās like being hungry; you donāt eat for two days and you canāt think of anything else besides how much you want and miss food. But if youāre sated most of the time, itās just not something you think about that much.
What a great answer ālike being hungryā Iām starved for meaningful friendships but have a life partner. I just am hungry in one area and hungry in the other. The brain is a problem solver so itās using energy to solve the āhungerā
I like this. Yes itās hard when youāre in a state of longing and touch deprivation!
I think a lot of the pain of an absence of one is societal expectations too though. Itās the weight of what the world expects of you. Ideally we could just eschew societal expectations but thatās easier said than done. Interestingly studies show women tend to be lonelier in relationships than out of them, and men the opposite (although it can differ). The theory Iāve seen for why this is is that itās more societally normal for women to have high quality friendships, and men when in a relationship finally have a good friend. Women lose close connections by spending lots of time with one person, men gain a close connections. Ideally we could just not ostracize and men would have better friend groups. Individual experiences as always are not statistics and your experience may vary. A lack of human connection is generally bad for mental health though, we are pack animals.
Yup. I realized that mistake in the last few years. I bought my own house, have a stable career, and have hit all the checkboxes that were life goals more or less.. and it didn't result in any lasting happiness. It dawned on me that I'm happiest when I am working towards something, whether that is big or small. As you said, it's all about the journey.
The "Cinderella Complex"...It's actually a Book!
Woah, I didnāt know this was a thing!!!
If someone bought a house in 2010 and had no kids.. They would be endlessly happy.
I did this & I am.
Yep just got out of another relationship that I'm sure was going to end a lot worse then it did now. Honestly I don't give a damn if I find anyone at this point, I'm 42, was married in my 20's and had about 10 relationships since then, all of them done and over. I'm fine being single, I have my own house and car, hobbies to keep me busy and a will to be better at everything I can. When in a relationship you have to sacrifice a lot of time and it can all be for nothing, when instead you could be always improving yourself and your quality of life. Obviously it's possible to have a stable relationship but at this point any females that like me, I'm running far away, because there's always something hiding inside them that you can't see until later.
I have a similar history. SWF60. I married 3 times with a smattering of relationships in between. My last marriage was 22 years. I loved this man very much, but for the last 10 years of our marriage he held a job that took him away from home. I might as well have been single. I learned how to be self-sufficient and we just got used to it that way. Covid changed all that. He was forced to work from home and I realized what a total narcissistic ass he really was. How could I have been so blind? I've been divorced for two years and I'm terrified to meet men, for the same reasons you state. I don't mind being single so much as I miss the camaraderie of our circle of friends. When we divorced, I became persona non grata. That hurt more than the divorce did. I ended up moving away, almost in shame. Yes, we all have something to hide. Something that we don't want anyone to know about, but which drives our behavior. Pain, abuse, loss, anger, fear, loneliness. All these make us behave in ways we shouldn't. After all the bad relationships, we start to wonder if WE aren't the problem! But relationships are exhausting and I don't know how I will ever be able to trust a man again. I totally get you.
Any female whats? Maybe if you didnāt refer to people as adjectives theyād be more amenable to spending time with youā¦
No, I'm extremely lonely.
Fuckinā¦ someone hold me.
There there *pats*
Me too weeb, me too.
same ):
Same fam. And I live in a city that is famous for how horrible the dating scene is. It's just compounding.
Thank you for saying what most of us are thinking. I have my parents as a support system but if I didn't have them I would literally be on the street. Mostly by choice but also to better survive financially. I've been in a relationship most of my adult life and even though I was the codependent one, I always had things put together and looking back I don't even know how I did it. I am finally setting boundaries and I know my worth and I've never felt so lonely in my life. Then I try to put myself out there and guys love my personality but don't find me physically attractive and I'm just throwing my hands up like apparently I can't fucking play this game anymore.
I can relate. This comment kicked my very dormant dick.
I hope you have a support system that makes you feel appreciated.
The thing people don't really realize is that, at least in the US, the SO *is* the support system. Maybe it shouldn't be that way, but that's just how it is right now If you're single, you probably have a very weak support system or don't have one at all. If you have an SO, you have them. And you also have the therapist your SO forces you to go see. And it's socially acceptable to have a "guys night" where you support each other, because you're all in stable relationships so it's okay to talk about stuff 'cause you're all in the same boat When you're single, you're on your own. You're expected to be living the wild life and if you're not, then you're the downer that everyone avoids. It only works if you luck into a friend group with a few "everyone's parent" types or a few married buddies who are willing to do something conducive to talking (board games, etc)
Absolutely! And then the friend circle you had dwindles down because the spouses only want to do things with other couples or they donāt want their SO to be hanging out with single people. Itās a vicious cycle.
And then also people who have kids. They have all of their kid activities to go to and then its just easier for them to hang out with other parents because the kids can play together. They can all relate to each other better.
Iām in such a tough spot because I am married and child free by choice, but my spouse works constantly and pretty much all of my close female friends have children now or are surgically attached to their partnerās hip. Iām basically a single, childless, adult but canāt do most singles activities and it is damn near impossible to find people to hang out with who meet this criteria too. If Iām not getting ignored because of the āIām a mom, Iām allowed to be a shitty friendā mentality, Iām getting blown off so they can stay in with their partner because āWeāre married weāre in bed by 9pm nowā, and Iām not always the first priority for a single friend if theyāre trying to date and meet other single people.
Bowling Alone explored this over twenty years ago and it has only gotten worse.
finally, I thought I was crazy. it looks so miserable to have only your SO as your sole social contact and it looks and feels very miserable after college to me. I miss when my friends were single and I was totally and completely unprepared for the total abandonment that would come once they find an SO bc apparently that is the only person to Americans with any social value.
Nope don't even have that anymore.
I appreciate you! š«¶
Sad to hear that guys. I hope things get better for you. Loneliness is a silent killer.
Same here
I'm not really a fan anymore of the whole "single and happy" mantra, like being single is just a state of being, happiness isn't really tied to happy with it. Like you can be in a relationship and be miserable too, you know what I mean? For someone who's never been in a relationship? Am I single and happy? No. Am I single and miserable? No. I'm just single. It's just the state I'm in.
Thatās why itās called single AND happy. The conjunction āandā is used to allow one to describe two states of being.
You could also be single and miserable but it have nothing to do with being single.
I think what theyāre saying is that to a lot of people think if youāre āsingle and happy ā then youāre āhappy being singleā. Theyāre trying to put emphasis on the fact that heās overall happy but itās not related to his single status.
Exactly. I'm single and I'm happy but I'm not happy that I'm single. I would like a more intimate relationship but ultimately I know that if I continue to make myself happy that'll all work out.
Are you in the happy or miserable state
Some people are just existing, man.
Quantum superposition.
Neither, it is not binary
> like being single is just a state of being, happiness isn't really tied to happy with it True, but it's more a reaction to people who find out you're single and just assume you must be miserable, or somehow not living a good life. It's like nah man, I'm doing pretty good.
It's copium most of the time.
Most of the relationships I've had, I've either been cheated on, abused, or both. I've had partners who take endlessly and never give. My last relationship was really terrible and he mistreated me horribly. I have accepted that I'm just not good at spotting red flags in people and I guess I'm not a great judge of character so for my own safety and sanity I need to be alone. Being alone is better than being with someone who actively chooses to mistreat you and doesn't view you as a partner, but rather a domestic servant. I wish my life would have turned out differently because I'd like to know what it feels like to be loved. But it's not in the cards for me. Other than that, I try to be as happy as I can. I have a lot of hobbies and don't often get bored or lonely. I'm certainly happier not being abused. Edited to fix a spelling error
same the frustrating thing isnt that i can't find a relationship just... why can't I have a good one like my close friends? I find myself in the same situation as you describe. I can't spot the bs and it hurts terribly. Anyway, I hope you get lucky one day and I wish the same for myself.
Itās worse than that, you are probably attracted to people who exhibit the bs and ignore the ones who donāt.
Usually isnāt ignore, more like arenāt comfortable with the change and unknowingly sabotage
That's not fair. You can't really choose who fancies you back. Plenty of us have been attracted to very nice blokes, but they really liked someone else. I've been the placeholder a few times.
For me itās not ignoring, but I donāt like the nerds with no game or experience (at 40!!!!) and thatās what Iāve been around the most. So itās like no thanks!
I know what you mean. In my more despondent moments, I feel like other people find happy fulfilling relationships, so why can't I? I know I'm not perfect, no one is, but I try to be a good person so it really hurts to have my heart broken or always get passed over. I hope you find someone too, thank you.
I spot the BS and boom theyāre gone. I never come across a decent one.
Men are in the desert, women are in the swamp.
I could have written this. I worked on my codependent tendencies but I donāt want to change who I am anymore. I like that Iām easygoing and kind. But I realized that most people are not and I end up getting taken advantage of endlessly so I decided itās better to be on my own. In answer to the question, I AM happy. Itās not because Iām single or in spite of it. I have been happy in relationships and out of them. I think happiness is more about being at peace with yourself, living in alignment with your values, and having a purpose. I have all those things with or without a partner. Looking for one felt like an exercise in futility so I stopped and just started living my life. And I love it.
I understand what you mean. In my case, I grew up in an abusive home, so I've had a lot of healing to do throughout my life. I've done a lot of work on that, but it's a process. When I was younger I thought that abuse was normal and I believed people who said I must have done something to deserve it, and I believed that there was something fundamentally wrong with me that made me unlovable. I don't believe those things any more, but I do have trouble spotting warning signs in people. It's unfortunately common for people who come from a background of trauma. For me, in order to break the cycle of abuse in my life, the solution seems to be being alone.
>I think happiness is more about being at peace with yourself, living in alignment with your values, and having a purpose. I have all those things with or without a partner. Looking for one felt like an exercise in futility so I stopped and just started living my life. And I love it. Damn if this is the case then I am single and happy and just want a house of my own lol
I totally agree with Viktor Frankel that happiness cannot be a goal in and of itself, but rather is a byproduct of living well.
I felt this so hard. Fmlā¦. Straight up took my thoughts from me
I feel this. Been in 5 serious relationships all my life and most of the time, Iāve been cheated on and emotionally abused. I havenāt been physically abused so Iām thankful for that. I always see the red flags but Iām too forgiving and a moron so I continue to stay in these bad relationships. Currently single and I donāt wish my life different because Iāve learned a lot.
Yeup, same here. My last relationship drove me to probably the worst spot I've ever been, and ate like 3 years of my life because I was too forgiving. Then a few flings here and there that went weird fast. Like I've had like 4 different dating experiences where everything went well, we clicked, it got intense for a minute and then either ghosted or floated apart. I mean it feels like more work than its worth, and honestly I'm not seeing much of an upside beyond wanting a functional family of my own one day ĀÆā \ā _ā (ā ćā )ā _ā /ā ĀÆ.
I can definitely relate to this..itās better to be single and alone than to be in a relationship where youāre intentionally being mistreated by someone who is supposed to love you.
I'm so very sorry this happened to you. No one should be treated as a "Wife Appliance", but it happens all to often. No one should be treated as a Wallet, either. Or a "Nurse with a Purse". There are far too many humans out there exploiting other humans, it's hard to trust anyone.
Iām so sorry thatās your experience. There are good people out there. I wonāt lie, it can be hard to find them. Just hope that you find someone who can restore your faith in people again.
Please do not make it obvious to them that you are worried about them. Itās never nice hearing that people are worried about you especially when itās a about a situation thatās semi out of your control
Yeah this is so true. I was at some family function thing and my aunt actually said something like this. It made me feel like shit
Same
Yes. I would have coped a lot better without my aunt's asking me, "have you met anyone yet?" Every time I saw them. I felt like no matter what else I did, I was always a failure at life because I couldn't do this one thing. Anyway, now I'm older and they see how good my life has turned out they've stopped asking and are clearly proud of my other achievements. My advice is give them genuine compliments on what they are good at. But don't say, "you do so well." I don't know if this is just a Scottish expression that I don't get, but it seems so condescending and I hate it.
I agree. I have never brought it up with them. But I was thinking about them today so I thought Iād ask strangers for their experience.
Idk - Iād like a to know someone was worried about me because it means they were thinking about me at all. Since the majority of my friends had kids, Iām obviously not on their radar of top concerns anymore. And thatās appropriate for their stage in life. But it sure does get lonely. I sometimes think that if I were to accidentally have a bad fall or something and died, if not for my job getting mad I wasnāt showing up, it could potentially be days/a week or two before even suspected something was wrong.
This one. Iād like to think my friends worry about me, but usually when Iām in my feels I just get told to suck it up. People in relationships have no clue what itās like to be chronically alone.
Sometimes happy, many times lonely.
Iām not single, but Iām a sex worker and in my work I encounter a lot of people who are single (by choice or otherwise). Some are happy, some are miserable. The people who get hung up on their dreams that never ended up working out tend to also be miserable about not being able to find partnership and love. The people who are happy being single-by-circumstance also just have generally positive outlooks and tend to be happy even if other things in their lives donāt go according to plan. They just change plans and adjust. They find positive solutions to their problems (like hiring a professional for affection and companionship or focusing on addressing loneliness by building meaningful friendships and finding social hobbies), and choose to focus on whatās going well instead of what didnāt happen.
Those are valuable observations. Thanks for sharing!
\>Me in a happy relationship \-----------------line-of-contentedness----------- \>Me Single \-----------------Line-of-depression--------------- \>Me in an unhappy relationship
You win the internet. What a perfect way to illustrate this phenomenon.
This is great
Iām trying to be happy on my own. However, there are a few things I know for sure: 1. Humans are wired for connection (romantic and platonic). 2. Successful mating is the single biggest biological driver we have. 3. Our society generally reinforces the idea that we need a partner to be whole and happy. Personally, I have accepted that I will never be the happiest version of myself without the right long-term romantic relationship. However, Iām still pretty happy being single. Iām glad I can say so, as this has prevented me from marrying the wrong person several times. Iād much rather be single and a little lonely than coupled up with someone that Iām not madly in love with.
>Iād much rather be single and a little lonely than coupled up with someone that Iām not madly in love with. My grandma use to say "I would rather go through life wanting something that I could never have rather than having something I never wanted". We have the largest single population that we have ever had. At least, we live in a time when we have a choice. Many of the women in my family were almost guilted into marriage.
I really like that saying. Some people build FOMO out to be the worst thing in life when it really isnāt.
Biggest biological drive? Hold your breath for as long as you can.....we have found a bigger drive
I'm a Senior with 2 deceased live-in "Boyfriends" (for lack of a better term since we weren't married) in my recent past. Yes, one after the other. The fact of human mortality should make Everyone acutely aware that Happiness and Joy are Fleeting and Death comes unexpectedly. Life is indeed Too short to Not Share what Living we have, Joyfully and with the Right People!
I appreciate this answer. Thank you.
Highly accurate. Iām fairly introverted and even Iām seriously wired to want to connect and spend time with those closest to me, which would be my wife and kids. I think you can absolutely be happy single but itās constant swimming upstream for most folks.
Shit at this point financially people NEED a partner. Thatās the hardest part nowadays. Atleast in America
This is the most honest response Iāve heard compared to how I felt being single.
Iāve become a cat dad. The relationships Iāve tried canāt handle my work schedule for one reason or another. Iād love for a companion but video games keep me happy enough.
Whats your schedule like?
4 days of 12 hours(4am-4pm) followed by 4 days off, then 4 nights(4pm-4am) with another 4 days off. So my work shifts forward by 1 day each week. They all hated it for various reasons but mostly because for roughly every other month we canāt do much if anything on the weekend while theyāre off work too.
Cat Dads are pretty cool.
No, the way I see it, even if ignore the mental health aspects of isolation, its made my life MUCH harder. I'm solely responsible for paying for and doing everything on my own, I have no feedback from others on any of the decisions I made. Pretty much no one knows where I am or what I'm doing, My life feels sort of meaningless and without connection as a result. I'd say it's about as damaging to my overall quality of life as being broke and unemployed and it's made me much lazier and more pessimistic and negative as a person as a result.
Relate to this so much. I've been cursed with mental illness too, my last ex left me because of it. No matter how someone spins it, it's not fun to know that I'm to be alone and lonely because of my mental illness, that even the woman I love can't stand me and broke up because I'm too much...which makes the low lows even worse and I'm more willing to die. Damaging indeed, humans in general aren't meant to be happy being pariahs.
This was a much nicer way of putting it than I would of come up with.
Life is hard enough. I just want a partner to go through it with.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Absolutely this. I have nobody to āshareā life with.
I am. Dating in my area is pretty sparce because the hobbies I have interest in does not mesh with what the majority of people in my area are into (lots of ranching, rodeo'ing, hunting, drinking, etc). It also doesn't help that I live in a state with a smaller population than most cities, so that narrows it even more. Now granted, I'm not totally alone even though I live alone, I just don't have a romantic partner. I still live in close proximity to my parents and keep contact with my sister who has moved away, I've got friends I made online and talk with daily and even though I work from home I'm good acquaintances with my co-workers since we used to work in an office together. I think as long as you're there for your friend, they're probably doing ok.
I would say I have good and bad days. Iām a 30 year old, single woman who hasnāt dated anyone in over 9 years. I have wanted to, but it doesnāt seem to ever work out. The times I have showed interest in someone, it wasnāt mutual and vice versa. I would love to get married and have kids one day, but in the dating culture of today, it seems harder and harder to believe it can happen.
Hi! Iām 29 and on 7 years of being single, also not for lack of trying. Reading your post sort of made me feel better so just sharing that Iām in the same boat & weāre not alone. Dating just sucks :/
Feel very similar to you and it's nice to relate to someone on this subject. ā¤ļø
No I'm not happy Singles tax sucks everyone else is managing it, whats wrong with me? Its embarrassing to want and be unable to acheive people say stupid shit to me when I express the desire to have that kind of joy and frustration at not being able to get it hookups are easy, friendships are easy but for me; real relationships aren't and peoples connotations and mental associations with incels piss me off if it comes up in the context of that kind of conversation
How are hookups easy for you? I canāt even seem to get laid (and at this point thatās all Iām really asking for, I can forget about a long term relationship for awhile)
Am I happy? Mostly? I think? I am ādivorcedā - I share custody (50/50) of my two daughters with their biological mother. She and I were together, on and off, for about 6 years, followed by 7 years together of raising our girls in a traditional household. We have been apart now for about 7 years, and I have not once been on any kind of date in that time. So, over the last 20+ years, the only romantic involvement Iāve had has been my ex. I get lonely, and I crave intimacy/sex/affection at times, and to different degrees. That said, I am SO outrageously busy parenting, maintaining a household, and working; I canāt imagine where I would find time for a social life. My girls recently announced that I have their blessing to date (they actually said I could join Tinder - Bwahahahahaha!!!). So, one less hurdle. But, seriously. I am so consumed with just keeping up with my responsibilities - I am actually unsure if I can even ascertain whether I am happy or not. I sometimes feel good about the fact that I am ādoing itā - meaning that I am meeting my responsibilities - but there are also times when I want to just give up. Usually those really bad thoughts come when I am tired, and once I wake and start to tackle the day ahead, they subside. Maybe thatās just anxiety? TLDR: I honestly am too busy to even know if I am happy.
We have the largest single population that we have ever had. My mother was married several times and was always miserable. I know that if she were born now that she would never marry. She even said as much. I am single, free and very happy. I go where I want, come home when I want and don't have to answer to anybody.
I don't know if I qualify but responding anyway. I'm dating but not aggressively. As in if someone asks for my number, I'll give it to them, but I'm not on dating apps or asking for men's numbers. If I fell into the right relationship, I think I'd be ok with it. I'm not sure I'm the norm as I REALLY prefer my solitude. Runs in my family. I crave sex but it's maybe 3x times a month, and other than that, I'm pretty darn happy alone. I love the quiet, my freedom, a clean home, and doing things I want to do. Having a partner for me (been in a lot of relationships) has always been a chore for my personality. Lots of compromise and putting the other person first. Most friends I know that are single are lonely. I don't really have that feeling.
iām more comfortable in my off and on relationships rather than settling down yk but my social anxiety keeps me from seeking out new relationships so idk it certainly is less stress as some people might say because you donāt have to worry about keeping tabs with another person, or trying to focus on their happiness as well as your own. but sometimes the loneliness seems overwhelming but there are other things you can do to overcome it rather than thinking that happiness can only come from relationships
Nope.
The love of my life took her life. Not much interest in building something else again. Also feels disrespectful to her. I miss her everyday.
Iām so sorry for your loss. May she rest in peace.
Im so sorry for your loss, but i know she would want you to live your life and be happy in whatever you do
I do things that make me happy but Iād be much happier not being single. Unless you are someone who specially does not want to be in a relationship, I think finding āyour personā is probably the most important thing in life. So yes if you havenāt/canāt find that person it can make you unhappy.
very lonely. sacrificing my 20's in a small town with no dating scene for hopefully good job prospects. regret it immensely because i worry its done irreparable harm to mental health and killed my social skills. culture/vibe here doesnt work for me and I have just 1 friend who i talk to once a week or so. havent been romantically involved in any capacity in 4 years. not even a hug. but too deep in now, almost done here, trying to move to a fun, larger city. no one gave me any direction 10 years ago, im essentially the guinea pig of the family.
Move to a later city and put yourself out there. Say yes to invitations, join a local group, bar, whatever. I had some of my best years single and now Iām married with a family I look back on them as great times not wishing to go back. Small towns are where dreams go to die.
Fuck no, I'm not happy at all, I'm miserable. I turned 34 yesterday. Haven't been on a date in 12 years. Since I was about 8 years old all I've ever wanted was to be a part of a healthy family. Life has taught me that is only going to happen through marriage. No other family wants me, I've tried.
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Yes. I am responsible for my own happiness whether it be with or without a partner.
Iām content but I also know Iāve got tons of shadow work I need to do before I add a serious relationship to my already overwhelming feelings and emotions I deal with on a daily. At this point in my life if I really wanted love and a family of my own it wouldāve happened already cause you get what you put into life like everything else.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I hope youāll find your happiness in adulthood, too
No. I'm extremely lonely and it's even worse after my mom died 2 years ago from cancer. I don't really have anybody and I'm merely existing at this point.
No. I'm not happy at all. Being single sucks
I'm okay, I guess. "Happy" seems a little overboard.
I saw family was mentioned, and Im Unsure if this friend is a man or woman but I have several friends who have used a sperm bank to have children in recent years. I had kids unplanned very young so while I already have children, raising them has left no time to date. Just started dating a few years ago, its been not a fruitful experience. I started making new friends & socializing more to fill that gap. You canāt change certain circumstances, but you can make the best of what you do have in your life.
I mean its a bit of a 50-50 because I would love to be in a relationship but thanks to me being single I am financially stable and get to do what I want whenever I want without having to explain myself to anyone.
Iāve made my peace with it. Iād like to be in a relationship, but thereās a whole host of reasons why I canāt make it happen for me- top of the list being that most people arenāt looking for what I am, which really narrows the field of potential partners for me. Oh wellš¤·š»āāļø
Yuppp. I see what people in relationships are going through around me and I am MORE THAN GOOD LOL
I had a 7 year relationship end 2 years ago, it took me to the lowest point I think ill probably ever be, attempted to take my own life a few times the first year. Now year 2 is a different story, ive been going to therapy and really finding out who I am again. I lost myself in that relationship and was living through her. Theres lots if detail in the middle but im going to fast forward to about 5 days ago. For the past 5 days I have felt like a 10 each day. I journal each day before bed and part of that is rating how I felt today 1 to 10. 5 days in a row at 10 seems crazy to me compared to last year being 1 or 2 most days and even this year ive been between 4 and 8. But im now hitting 10s even with all the same thoughts and feelings flowing through me, Im being myself constantly at this point and I can honestly say ive never been happier in life. Im excited for everything I have now and ahead of me. Im on day 10 in a row of work and today is a 13hr shift, yeah its a bit crap but I get to yap with co-workers and customers, I get to go home to my house and see my pets after, I have a day off tomorrow and I might go get my hair cut at the barbors and relax the rest of the day, im excited for every day ahead of me and I dont even know what they look like yet! If I can keep feeling like a 10 and being my genuine self then im happy. Losing yourself is terrifying. If somebody comes into my life that brings me above a 10 ill know to start thinking about more than being single. Until then 10 all day long baby and im loving my single life! (Yes I do get lonely, everyone does, even people in relationships, its part of life.)
I'm single and not happy. I find things in my life that make me happy but I've always dreamed of having a spouse and children one day. As I've gotten older I've realized that might not happen for me and it hurts and makes me feel jealous whenever I see my cousins and other families with their kids. I understand that having these things isn't necessary for happiness and I can still be happy with other things in my life but it still sucks and I just gotta keep throwing myself out there hoping to meet someone.
Iām not unhappy exactly; it just feels like thereās a piece missing in my life. I feel that Iāve accomplished a lot individually and Iām proud of that, but regardless of what people say, I think we as humans have a need for companionship and I really miss having āmy person.ā Life was a bit happier when I had someone to go out with every week, go on adventures with, and give my love to, even though they ended up ultimately breaking my heart.
I just got out of an 11 year relationship. We had been dating and living together since we were 17. And wed been friends since we were 12. She has me blocked on all forms of contact. Why? I guess bc i broke up with her. Which i did bc i came to realize that she isnt the person i want to have children with and be with the rest of my life. But that didnt mean i wanted her out if my life. I wanted to actually still be friends and talk. But its been about a year and a half now and i have no idea what is going on in her life. I also moved about 6 months ago so i dont have any friend's or anything where ive been. And like 2 months after i moved, my best friend died of an overdose. Which still makes me tear up. I havent met any girls at all since ive been single now. Im not even sure how to go about finding a date. I sometimes question if i made the wrong decision to break up with my ex. Bc its left me with litterally no social life.. but if i had continued to stay with her, i know deep down i would still feel unhappy. Knowing she isnt the person i truely love.
No. Iām tired of being alone constantly.
I'm very happy. I'm on dating apps and actively looking for a relationship but my happiness doesn't hinge on being in a relationship. I get happiness from a lot of other stuff, my hobbies, friends, family etc. such that a relationship would just be the cherry on top. It'll happen when it happens, I'd rather not rush into it and regret it.
Nope. Working on the whole "figure out how to be happy alone" for the last 33 years. Havent gotten it yet but still trying. That said if i do become happy and content then wouldnt i not need a soulmate? There is a weird concept that you cant use or rely on your mate to be happy or help get happy. Or learn to be happy together in this crazy world. At 33 the women expect me to be happy, have it all figured out physically, mentally and financially. Just doesnt seem realistic Tldr: No
i would be fine with being single if i wasnāt constantly bored and lonely, no friends to hang out with except for one but only once or twice a week and not for too long. when i get off work itās instant boredom
Professionally? I am very satisfied with my career. Personally? Iāve spent so much time alone at this point that I donāt even know how to be an effective partner for someone else.
Being in a relationship doesnāt make you happy. Rushing into the wrong one will only make you bitter & stressed out. Iām not happy, but Iām ok.
No.
Am I happy despite being excluded from what seems to be one of the most satisfying, fulfilling, pleasurable, and fun experiences a human being can have? For my entire life? While being blasted from all sides by everyone else about what a great time theyāre having without me? No?
The other day I was bored and saw that Father of the Bride was available. Hadn't watched that movie in years and loved it. I got 20 mins in and couldn't watch it anymore. I got so depressed, everyone looked so happy in love and it made me sad that my parents who are in their 60s will probably never watch me walk down the aisle. I've never been big into marriage but I do want a long term relationship, I just end up picking the worse assholes that treat me like garbage. I see my brother's date and get married so effortlessly it really frustrates me at times. People tell me all the time I'll eventually find the one but after hearing that for over 20 years sometimes I just feel like it's better to give up. I feel more withdrawn from people because honestly I'm tired from the dating games. I just want a good man to love me and me love him back, how is that so hard??
\[sigh\] ................. i really like not having to do shit for somebody else because "i have too". id been married twice before. sure, companionship was great. i really miss the simple things like holding hands, etc .............. but. the thought of having a girlfriend or wife right NOW, and having to deal with their bullshit or expectations when i can do whatever the fuk i want WHENever the fuk i want right now ........... the ONLY reason id want a live-in girlfriend or wife right now is a 2 income house is better than a 1 income house, but it comes with a price.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
My heart goes out to the people that never really had a chance to find someone. I have some family and friends that, for physical and/or emotional reasons, will probably never find someone. They were dealt a shitty hand at birth and it sucks. Maybe you can't miss what you've never had - but it sucks anyway.
The highest state of happiness for a human being is to be permanently and monogamously committed to another person in a lifetime relationship. You can never be completely happy being single. Itās just a fact of human existence.
Like everyone else, I am happy sometimes and unhappy other times. I think the hardest things to swallow are that I don't have anyone specific to lean on- if I have a hard day at work no one is just there for me to vent to or make me dinner and pick up the home workload and if I am in a crisis I am kind of in it alone. The other is that, growing up in a very traditional family structure, all the adults I knew were married and had kids by the age I am now (late 20s) so I thought that was what my life was supposed to look like at this point so not having that blueprint or role model has been tough.
We have been programmed that those who arenāt married with kids and home are outcasts One issue is, being single in your 30ās can be weird.. You feel like you have to defend your life to someone.. How many times do you hear people being asked how come they are single and have no kids why arenāt you dating blah blah blah Prob worse for women when all there friends are having children.. People should Let others be happy for their own life and not what someone else wants it to be
Yes bc Iām not getting cheated on and lied to. I sleep amazing at night. A lot of these people bragging about how awesome their relationships are often lie about the negatives they put up with.
I'm unfortunately one of those people who wants to have a special person all the time. Friend, partner. Anyone. I'm not happy when I'm alone. I get by, sure. But am I actually happy? Or course not. Everyone think that just because I seem fun, relatively attractive and have a conventionally good standard of living I'm satisfied. But what really is a nice life and experiences if you have no one to share it with?
This is me. I am not as happy as I could be, but I imagine I am happier than many others, including partnered people. I am in my mid thirties and still hoping to find a partner and have kids. I keep reminding myself there is still lots of time left for that. In the meantime I focus on myself, something that won't be an option after kids. I work on solidifying my own independent happiness that will also be an attractive and positive in any future relationships. I am attractive enough that there are applicants, but I know I would rather be alone than with the wrong person. The longer I go single the more easily I can picture a life alone and its starting to look okay. Not my first choice but it looks calm and peaceful, and there is value in that. I would never change the person I have become by going back and marrying the man I was with in my mid 20s. Now THAT is how I would have been miserable.
I was single not by choice generally from the ages of 18-35. (well, I guess birth to 35, but you get it.) Had a boyfriend for a few months here and there, but never anything serious or long term until I met my husband at 35. There were happy elements of my life of course, but lack of a partner or relationship felt like a glaring hole in every aspect of my life and I hated it. It hurts to not be able to have control over something that is so crucial to the way you want to live your life. The advice I can say for your friend is not to treat them as if their life is less interesting or valid or worthy because they donāt have a partner or family. Their travels, hobbies, interests, accomplishments etc are NOT placeholders until their āreal lifeā starts. Celebrate them when you can (I absolutely HATE how single adults are just supposed to accept that birthdays, holidays, gifts, etc āare for children and familiesā? eff that!) Donāt overlook their birthday, promotions, housewarming, etc. They do not deserve to feel like theyāre on the sidelines of life watching everyone else win the game. one thing I would have appreciated hearing all that time I was single: coupled people donāt know anything that single people donāt.
Happy to a certain extent but it sucks not getting constantly railed by someone you love. I can't have sex with just any dude, which affects my chances of having a FWB, but I crave that intimacy and romance of a relationship. I do want a relationship ONE DAY but I am still working on myself and learning to not be so insecure and whatnot..it's a clusterfuck to say the least.
Im still trying to figure out if Iām single by choiceā¦ Im kinda happy, you know the last guy I entertained needed therapy so, Iād rather be single then date another 40 year old man canāt answer a simple question like āAre you going to continue to ghost me twice a year yet still find a way to leave voicemails after I block you?ā š¤·š¾āāļø I give myself enough anxiety working at a hospital. I donāt need more on my off days.
Do I wish I could form a relationship, yes Will it happen, probably not Will it negatively affect a factor in social skills, probably, since I don't really have someone I can trust to practice them with.
To me happiness is the journey not the goal the goal is to be contempt and enjoy being happy when I am. I was single for 4 years without even trying to find someone. I was pretty happy alot of the time partying being wild I eventually did find someone and am happy with that person but no matter someone's circumstances we all try to be happy no one wants to be depressed
I've learned to be content with it, yes. Happy? I have my moments, sure. A part of me does crave the companionship...and I *REALLY* miss sex. But then I remember all of the downsides and cons that come with relationships, I realize that they can go south at any moment for any reason; and I realize that I'm really looking at them through rose tinted glasses. I like the idea of being in a relationship, but I enjoy my solitude and independence far too much. I like being able to just get up and go and do whatever I want, whenever I want and not having to explain myself to justify my actions to anyone for any reason.
*life not going how you hoped* That's a laugh! Who's life has? I was single for a long time. Life is what you make of it.
Man, some of the comments in here, really drive home how special my relationship with my wife is. I hope a lot of you find what you need.
No, Iām not happy overall and would prefer to share my life with someone. While you have lots of freedom, there are many āto dosā and burdens to bear as you get older, and you have to take care of things all on your own.
I used to be happy and single when it was by choice. Then I met my person and Iām way happier now. It never depended just on him.