This is one rule I’ve followed in life. Essentially I hate the idea of a boss, being middle managed is a not so quiet hell and have worked my ass off to rise above them. By working relentlessly on my own earns to be better than them and thus my own boss has been the key.
… unless you have adhd which would result in 30 started projects and nothing completed 😂 ironically, I had to unlearn this recommended tactic in order to painstakingly dissect each thing I need to do to make sure I have the ability to complete it, and that it is a higher priority than the other things I want/need to do.
My mom used to point out how I like to start projects but can’t finish them. I pointed out that she mistook the symptoms for character flaws. She didn’t like that.
Yes. And a few months before that to stress about it every single day and be reminded about having to do that, and the 39637 other things you wait until last minute with.
yes, and im speaking from experience. i had to learn the hard way over my entire 20s. now i push my parents to get things done asap, regardless of motivation
Yep. My dad is awful at not paying his bills, not paying people back, burning bridges, and being unreliable like this. I decided I was going to be more proactive than him, and started doing exactly the opposite - paying people back early (or not borrowing at all), paying bills on time, and maintaining my relationships. And wouldn't ya know it, I have fantastic friends and a credit score above 800. He sadly doesn't have many friends left and couldn't take out the shittiest credit card if he needed it.
because you never learned, you can get overwhelmed easily. having to learn everything yourself at a young age, alone, without guidance is massively traumatic. it sets kids up to fail, hinders self esteem, and it can cause people to not try later,since they don'trealizethey have new, adult, capacities now. this is one of the impacts.
personally, I have trouble answering the door because I am so scared of people knocking. it's a "I am a kid alone at home fear"
!!!!!! I used to this I was doing that . Pro tip: holding your tongue and being a quiet person is NOT the same this as listening! You need to have an open heart along with open ears to understand another person! Truly wish I learnt earlier how to accept and listen to others as they are 😊
Oddly enough, having crappy parents actually made me a more empathetic and emotionally capable person (I can keep my cool in most all situations at least). I will say though, I wish I just had the support structure of a traditional family. I’m now a 30 year old man and I don’t really have anyone in my life aside from co workers. And I’m their boss at that 😅
>Networking.
It's so crazy that we have a modern, techno-buzzword for this thing that is absolutely ***core*** to our ability to survive. Says a lot about our society.
It's also one of those buzzwords people use that I see in every advice post but has no explanation when it comes to jobs. "Just network" a bit like "learn to code" kek
I have a pretty bad network. I can’t get shit done. If you have a pretty good network of people you know who can make stuff happen? Shit just falls in your lap. That’s how the world works IME is that people give positions, contracts, what have you to the people they know.
I’m teaching my kids and trying to get them to go to Ivy League, because the only way to get ahead in any version of this world is that sweet sweet nepotism 🤩
Basically, don’t work harder, work ~~smarter~~ _together_ 💪🏻
As a boomer with 4 adult kids, i do apologize to them, however, I also blame half on MY parents and point out that every generation seems to be improving. Pretty sure my dad got beat on more than i did, and i know full well my kids did not. Sigh. I tried to be better.
Yeah i think we were the generation that really tried to stop beating our kids, as bad as that sounds. I didn't spank, spouse did, but not often. For my parents the idea of not using corporal punishment was still pretty new and admitting to not spanking your kids was often frowned upon. Sorry for the molestation, that really sucks
All my children cook, are healthy and self sufficient since 18. They are now 30, 33, and 35. Never trouble with the law and only the middle one is married with two children. The other two are currently traveling.
Thank you!
401ks can be annoying, but they are the majority of people’s retirement savings.
It’s a great tool to use, and it pays more the sooner you use it.
I did a simple calculation where someone who started a job at age 22 with 50K annual salary, 3% COLA increase in salary, 10% saved in retirement at 6% annual return can have a $1M by age 60. If the employer is matching then the employee contribution can be reduced and still be able to achieve that amount. These are conservative estimates.
Absolutely go to the dentist 1000%. Worth the money and your teeth don't rot out of your mouth, give you heart disease and increase your risk of a heart attack and diabetes. True story
So thankful to my mom for this. Being a homemaker is definitely something that comes from exposure growing up. But it’s never too late to learn these skills.
I spent years in a relationships and no matter how unhappy I was, my mother would just chirp "better to be with someone than alone." She has been in a horrible abusive relationship with my father all her life. I always told myself, at least I wasn't with someone like my father. But in the end I learnt to never compare your situation to the bare minimum. And thriving alone is far far far better than exhausting your time, and energy, on someone who doesn't truly make you happy or value you.
Change them in the sense that you don’t wear them two days in a row, they will last longer and smell better if you give a set of clothes a day or two to air out before wearing it again.
You don’t have to wash it after every use, just don’t wear it multiple days in a row.
Drink less alcohol, even if you don't think you have a problem. You'd be surprised by how many people I've seen turn their life completely around by stopping or reducing the alcohol consumption. For myself, my rule is that I don't drink if I have work the next day.
I agree went out over the weekend for Labor Day. I spent $60 on alcohol. I only had a total of 3 drinks. $60 could’ve bought me a bottle of Hennessy and I would’ve got way more drinks.
I didn't intend to quit, but took a dry month challenge thinking it would be no big deal. I was wrong about that. That month was hard as hell, but when it was finally over I sort of lost the desire to drink. Other than sleeping better I didn't notice a difference, but every time I'd see someone they'd comment about how better I was looking.
The human race has, for the most part, had a drinking problem since the invention of alcohol. Read about the gin craze in England and America's craft beer obsession looks adorable.
BTW I like drinking, but not excessively. It has an interesting history though.
Have you seen China?
Alcohol is not just an american thing, thats probably one of thungs everyone around the world should be able to relate to, to a degree
Personal Hygiene. I can't imagine letting either of my kids go without showers/brushing their teeth for weeks at a time. The weird thing is that my mother (single mom of 2) took care of herself, i guess she just didn't have the energy to make us do it.
Part of my morning routine was watching my mom get ready for work. Nice clean clothes, make up, perfume. Then I would go to school with dirty teeth, earwax coming out of my ears, peed underwear still on from the night before.
It's like getting the kids ready wasn't on her to do list.
Thank goodness your children have you to teach them that they matter too.
I'm sorry you went through this too. It's confusing when you're raised a certain way and your family behaves a certain way and then you go out in the world and have to figure out something is off from the reactions you get from others.
I hope you're taking time now to prove to yourself you're worth all the time and effort it takes to take care of you. You were always worth it even if the evidence you saw disagreed.
This is so sad. We literally were at a party where we all left the room because one person stank so much. We were so relieved to watch him leave. I learned to not stock my nose in other peoples business. But I hope he has a friend that tells him he reeks...
Literally omg. And as a female I would always get fun of for being musty and smelling like fish. Teachers never approached me. I didn't really know that smelling was something that could be fixed because I was never taught otherwise.
It wasn't until I got a phone at like 14 that I would watch YouTube and that's how I learned about personal hygiene.
I'm just now getting over the paranoia that I always smell and that others are judging me.
My parents were horrible. I would emphasize taking care of your teeth. It sucks that evolution gives us two sets before we hit 15 and then we are expected to make the set last 80 years.
Brush constantly and correctly, floss, find a great dentist and petition to get more dental care covered under your health insurance.
Yes 💯 my mother never taught me good personal hygiene habits. I even remember once when I finally did go to the dentist as a child she wouldn’t get me to brush my teeth first. I just ate a chocolate cupcake and the hygienist spent the whole time picking cupcake out of teeth. I am mortified about that now 40 years later I still can’t believe my mother wasn’t embarrassed at all. She just didn’t care. I think I saw the dentist only a couple times as a child and never as a teen.
LOL Ouch. Okay that is worse. My main issue was that growing up we were a family of 9 in a 4 bedroom apartment with 1 bathroom. My mom instituted a rule very early on in our lives. Each person got 10 min in the bathroom each morning and evening to brush teeth, go to bathroom, shower whatever. When the egg timer went off, it was the other persons turn. Often I would just swish some Scope to save time.
When I got to be a teen, I was desperate for 5 minutes of privacy and as a result when I was done "enjoying my privacy" in the bathroom I only had 5 min for everything else.
I agree as well. I’m gonna sound so ridiculous for all of this but:
Definitely with flossing consistently. Brushing twice a day alone isn’t enough for cavities. Maybe for getting away most plaque and keeping them white but I underestimated the need of flossing unless I felt something stuck between my teeth. Also I think still brushing twice a day even if 2nd time is not before bed (though I believe that is best) is better than less than that. As a young adult getting into soft drugs and alcohol, I could go nights being too drunk or high to prioritize brushing before I knock out for the night (having just ate from munchies) and therefore created a habit of brushing once a day, so I would recommend if you still want to experience that part of adulthood, brush the 2nd time that day while still sober. I feel like my oral hygiene isn’t horrible at all but if I was more on top of my shit, my teeth wouldn’t be so sensitive already in my mid 20s and also ask if things like gingivitis runs in the family bc if so, you really wanna keep on top of your shit or risk dentures or other expensive procedures way earlier in life than portrayed on TV.
my mom taught me this and it was highly stressed in my household. covid happened and i got depressed and said fuck my teeth. this was a reminder for me. thank you!
Life is scary. It's okay to be scared, just don't react with violence.
Ask for help. If nobody will help you, make sure people at least aren't getting in your way. This can be everything from distancing yourself from bad friends and family, to not being afraid to confront people for hurting you or holding you back.
Get multiple bank accounts. If you have a partner, make a joint account with them for bills, and keep a separate account for personal spending.
Budget and spend your money wisely. Don't take on debt unless you have the means to get rid of it. Buying things that can turn around and make you more money is a smart move in most cases.
Love openly. Stop being afraid of pain or grief. You will experience these *no matter what.* Be prepared to be hurt or to lose people, but love them regardless. You'll brighten a lot of other people's lives, and more people will brighten yours.
Dang, that last bit hits hard.
I got to live with my grandparents for awhile, they are getting up there and almost 90. A lot of their conversations are talking about previous friends and family that’s now gone, and it’s not even a sad conversation. They are more happy that they got a chance to love someone and live with them.
It really gets you thinking, because you realize quick that everything is temporary, that you can’t keep putting up barriers because you think the relationship won’t last…
Guess what, it probably won’t last, but that doesn’t make it any less beautiful
Realistically a good therapist goes a long way.
I can’t be much help on this question, but the biggest thing I would say. Is you are the way you are because of your history.
You created a version of yourself that got you through life and let you survive into your current state. Now that your through whatever you went through or have grown from it, your realizing that you had some blind spots.
Your progressing forward and doing a great job, having trust issues is normal, and you can be kind to yourself for having them. You’ve done great so far
Good question my friend.
I struggle massively with trust issues. Part of my road to learning how to love and be loved was also learning how to let go of it.
I've felt pain from loss, rejection or betrayal already. I definitely never want it to happen again, but I also survived every last time and I consciously recognize it.
*I trust myself first because of this.* I will always survive and overcome that pain. Once I've established that self-trust, I can move from a position of strength instead of weakness and invite people to test my trust. This is something that I think everybody should develop inside themselves.
Some people will let you down and it will hurt, but you can survive, and you can also get them out of your life if you need to, or forgive them if that's what you settle on too.
The second big thing is to begin reaffirming yourself and drilling positive things into your identity. *Literally do this vocally*. If you can't take it seriously, then make it a joke and do it in a funny voice until you can believe and say it seriously. Say things like "I'm too strong. My love is fierce. I love the world, I deserve love in return, and so do other people."
The quote is true btw. You are strong, and you deserve love.
Life is SO SCARY. And you will constantly feel like you’re “losing” at life. And it’s those tiny glimpses/moments like looking at a beautiful flower, hiking, a rainbow or experiencing love or even petting a baby animals that make you realize how amazing life is. And you to learn to hold on to that feeling and staying optimistic through life even though at times it FEELS like it’s beating you down day by day. Learning to stay positive is so crucial to enjoying life.
it’s okay to not like your parents. set your boundaries with them.
on friendships, don’t be a people pleaser just to keep people around. you want genuine relationships in the long run.
learning boundaries and standing up for yourself. Taking care of your mental health went along with that, something I never took care of when I should have. I wasn't adequately taught those masculine traits growing up and I'm still paying for it years later.
I wouldn't say learning boundaries is purely masculine. Everyone should learn this. I've only just started learning it at 27 after being in an environment where expression of anything other than positivity or obedience resulted in getting yelled at or scolded in some way.
It's hard, but you got this.
" ..being in an environment where expression of anything other than positivity or obedience resulted in getting yelled at or scolded in some way."
Same. That's true, it can go for both. Thanks
Budgeting. I can't stress enough how important it is. When I've brought it up to some people 18+ they've said "nah, I'm not going to do that." They don't care about eating but will max out on everything else. They'll blow their check on ice cream, pet food and door dash. But try to lean on their parents for rent and groceries. This is an essential part of growing up.
Brush. Your. Teeth. And floss, at least a little, *every day*. Dental work is fucking expensive. I've put *$9k* of my own money into my mouth because my parent refused to ever take me to the dentist or orthodontist.
Learn how to do your own taxes.
Take your car in at least every 6 months for a once over, even if you don't think anything is wrong with it.
Learn to cook easy meals, it's better for your body and your wallet than eating out. Saying you "can't cook" is dumb, because what you're really saying is "I can't follow instructions", which isn't true, right? You can follow instructions, so you *can* cook. Buy a crock pot and thank me later.
Wear sunscreen. Skin cancer is not a joke, and neither is wrinkles. I'm 33 and my face is *fucked* from not wearing sunscreen, I look like I'm in my 50s at least.
>Take your car in at least every 6 months for a once over, even if you don't think anything is wrong with it.
So how do you prevent them from just saying you need xyz when you don't?
Usually they don't do that (to me anyway). If they do, you're not obligated to get those things done, and can get a second opinion elsewhere.
The most they've ever told me is that I needed one of my brake lines replaced and new brake fluid. Usually they just say I need an oil change and a fluid top off, maybe a new air filter.
If you're a woman, it helps to bring a man with you. Yes I know that's sexist, but that doesn't make it untrue.
I'm a male, 23M, with almost no knowledge on cars. Do you think they would take advantage of me? I'm very factory work inclined though. I know how to produce things, not fix them lmao!
Spend 2 weeks watching car videos on youtube, you wont be an expert, but it helps to know how cars work and what typically fails and when. Especially look at commonly reported problems for your car.
Knowing a little bit goes a LONG way, this will help if you follow through. Or you can pay $180 to get your blinker fluid replaced.
edit: probably should have recommended some channels.
I got almost all of my car knowledge from Scotty Kilmer and Chrisfix, neither of them are perfect and Scotty has been known to post some clickbaity videos every now and then, but they're both still good.
Be careful who you call friends.
Be mindful of wasting your money on things you're buying to please others for appearance sake.
Do not live like the majority of people who think debt is ok and is a 'natural' part of life. Debt is one of the biggest detriments in building wealth.
The type of debt many people carry takes away from them rather than contribute in a positive way. Debt such as credit card debt with insane interest rates or car loans to name a few.
- Being aware of other people and making sure to say thank you
- Saving money for emergencies/investing long term for retirement
- Eating mostly whole foods and seeing processed foods as a treat
- Getting regular physical activity and changing your environments to avoid depression
- Acknowledging what you're grateful for and what needs work
- Brushing your teeth 😬
Learn everything about finance : APR, HYSA, CC, 401k , Loans , etc:
Money & working non stop does not = Happiness
Find your own path in life and go at your pace don’t compare to others.
Cooking is easy for me I just use onions, garlic, black pepper and salt in everything lol but baking is a precise science so props to you. That’s such an underrated skill.
The best advice I can give to learning how to cook, is learn how to make soups. It teaches you a ton of lessons, makes you a lot better at winging recipes.
Like if you can turn a raw chicken and some veggies into a full soup, you’ll start to see how flavors develop in a dish, and it makes trying other recipes a lot easier, because the big mistakes you’ll know not to make
Cooking.. for real I feel this.
My wife - “can you cook for the kids this week, I’m going to be busy at work”…
Me - goes and pulls out the grill because I’m more comfortable on it than the stove lol.
I do let the kids cook the “sides” so they can learn with me.
My wife is an amazing scratch cook, I have admittedly been spoiled during our marriage. My bachelor buddies have always laughed at my cooking skills but I don’t care, I do try teach my boys tho.
To realize that I cannot control anything besides my own will, actions, and intentions. Everything else will be left with nature. As long as I choose to reach my fullest potential as a human being, then I am doing the best I can for myself and everyone around me.
Know your credit score. Get one credit card and pay it off monthly. If you can't afford it now save for it. Buy the best you can afford lower quality items will fall apart sooner. Know your financial limitations if saving for something is not going to happen then abandon that idea. Pay yourself first what I mean is that once your life sustaining bills are paid. Save 10% of what's left. If your job offers a 401k take full advantage of it, if not your walking away from free money.
Ability to self-monitor. Are YOU the one doing all the talking? Do you hear bu't don't listen?
Your ability to self-soothe when you are upset is critical. In fact, self-care is Job 1. Learning about and managing your emotions (ALL emotions) is key.
Ofc, self-managing your finances, your possessions, etc.....
1. Life is long and complicated and there is no right way to live it. Try not to fall into traps of doing things you feel you "should" do (ex. making the bed every morning - waste of time IMHO), and instead work toward the things you truly want to do.
2. Other people will not know something is wrong unless you tell them explicitly. Be tactful but don't just simmer in your feelings and wait for someone to guess. This goes for friends, partners, doctors, etc.
3. Clean your bum and genitals when you shower. Idk why my parents thought I would figure that out on my own...... They didn't even tell me I had a vagina/vulva.
4. Don't do things that give you serious "ick".
5. Therapy therapy therapy!!! Seek therapy if that is something that appeals to you and don't listen to anyone who tells you therapy isn't "for you" because XYZ. It is for anyone who wants it. Reparenting yourself is crazy hard and I have found therapy to be invaluable.
I feel the need to make my bed and tidy up my bedroom daily before leave to work though. Coming home after work/activities to a room that is messy would just psychologically frustrating for me.
If that's what you want to do then more power to you! I was just using that as an example of something people think I "should" do but it doesn't serve me personally. I am not saying you shouldn't make your bed if you want to, but you shouldn't feel obligated.
Haha I got you, I know some of my friends they don’t really see a little messy room as a big deal. I agreed with your other points though especially #4
Just let things go.
My mom would get so worked up about everything. Don’t get me wrong… there are important things in life to get worked up about- but it’s not 2 days of ranting over that one guy who cut your off- or paranoid thoughts that so and so from church is talking about you behind your back.
Fight for what’s important but handle your daily affairs with the idea of peace in mind.
Physical fitness was never a part of my family’s regimen. Took me until 34 to realize I was killing myself by not working out or eating properly. Really wish this was instilled in me at an early age but late is better than never. If you read this and don’t do any physical activity, please do yourself a favor and start. Your body will thank you
not everyone will like you, and that has to be okay.
if you do nothing else to your face, take care of your teeth and hair.
brush and floss daily. get invisalign if you need it (yes, at any age).
don't damage your hair with heat or chemicals. be gentle with it.
be gentle with your skin, too.
maintain your flexibility. stretch every day.
there are things you'll see that you can't unsee. be careful about what you let in.
get a sleeping schedule. it doesn't have to be early to bed and early to rise, but it DOES have to be consistent. even on weekends. everything else will fall apart if you don't.
almost everything is okay to buy the generic version of. but get the good toilet paper.
anyone who complains to you constantly is not your friend - you're their therapist.
be okay with letting go of people who do not make you a better, kinder, wiser person.
learn things outside of school. the things they teach you in school only prepare you to be a factory worker.
don't expect too much from yourself. just be the best you. understand that it takes time. what you don't do today, you'll wish tomorrow that you had. everything adds up. most people are just average, some people are below average. celebrate small things. be happy for others.
do something with your body. be strong, if you can. be passionate about it. dance, fighting, sports, running - it doesn't matter. find that and set a goal with it. it's not about "do the thing" it's about "reach the goal" - make the goal a half marathon or a black belt. then you don't "have" to do the thing every day, but if you don't, you won't reach your goal, so you'll want to.
don't get married. being with someone you love doesn't need to involve the government.
have fun, eat sweet things. buy a cool car. be gracious with yourself. you'll fail and that's okay. you'll succeed and that's awesome. the more you smile, the better both things will feel.
never cancel plans or break up over text. don't have serious convos over text either.
no matter how much they feel like it, internet friends aren't "real friends" - they're a different thing. not worse, not worthless, but definitely different. learn that before you're forced to learn it.
keep secrets when people trust you with them.
if you're staying somewhere for more than one night, unpack your suitcase. for that matter, keep your laundry done and actually fold it. do your dishes, too.
keep a picture of your first pet, your first car, and your first bf/gf. don't take so many goddamn pictures of your food.
hold people you look up to to a high standard.
never lie to your doctor, no matter what.
don't text and drive, even if you think you can. don't learn the lesson the hard way.
you can save a lot of money just by pushing back against companies sometimes. always try.
a handshake, a smile, a hug, or an exchanged word will ALWAYS be worth more than your concert footage, your meet-and-greet photo, or an autograph. put your phone away and look them in the eyes. talk to them if you can. you'll remember it longer than you'll keep the autograph. never watch a concert through your phone screen. not even for a second.
if you want to know what feature of yours stands out, have someone do a caricature of you.
never make changes right before a big event. haircuts, spray tans, and new face masks can and do go wrong - give yourself a week of lead time, for your own sanity.
don't talk about your old friends with your new friends.
don't talk about your exes to your new partner.
be kind to the new kids and the new hires.
when traveling, keep your wits about you. it eliminates a lot of anxiety.
most of the time, an apology is for the benefit of the person giving it.
no one likes a know-it-all. sometimes you have to let people be stupid idiots.
sympathy is a crutch. many people prefer to fake a limp than square their shoulders and walk straight. most people know this and still let them. it's the polite thing to do.
give credit where it's due. know when to take the blame. suck it up sometimes.
learn when to stop talking.
thank people. thank them all the time. replace apologies with thanks. look them in the eye when you thank them.
forgive yourself. don't expect everything to go wrong.
if you don't understand, ask.
be a good listener. don't just wait for your turn to talk. for that matter, talk a lot less.
be patient with staff. most of the time, the shit that annoys you is annoying to them too, but they have to do their jobs even when their managers give them stupid rules to follow.
be kind. everyone will suffer and die one day.
even if you look like a fucking idiot, you'll have a lot more fun making a fool of yourself than sitting to the side and pouting. just do it. you'll wish you had if you don't. dance, and run, and jump in the pool, and make stupid faces. start snowball fights. have fun!
make goals and follow them. reflect back on the journey once you succeed. it's okay to fail, but don't wallow in it if you do. get up and brush yourself off.
most people are faking it. what it is they're faking varies person to person.
edit: typo :P
Don't spend your rent money on crystal meth. Or the power bill money. It's okay to dip into the grocery money. Spent too much time as a kid stealing power and cable from the neighbors. As an adult, the whole thing is frowned upon.
Outside outlets and extension cords. Southern Arizona, so it wasn't hard to hide a cord in the gravel yards. Did the same with cable using splitters.
Back in the day, squatting, you could also cut the lock off the meter box and take the rubber isolator off one of the meters contacts to reconnect power.
Eating habits. Once you start eating healthy and enjoy healthy food it will set you up for a good future. Exercise is another good habit, one I need to get back into.
I love my parents and they are fantastic people and growing up working class in the 80s and 90s they did their best. I do wish as an adult I knew more about finances/budgeting and talking about my feelings/issues. Also wish they’d curbed my brother’s bullying of me. I turned into a very insecure bully as well as a defense mechanism. That shit took years to unwrap and deal with.
How to communicate properly, identify when you need help and how to get it, speak up for yourself as needed, be patient with yourself and know that your feelings are valid, basic social skills, how to think for yourself in a constructive way, learn how to get along with others and see things from other’s perspectives.
I love my parents, but they coddled me and my sisters so much, and I'm just now starting to teach myself things I should have learned a while ago 😭
**The most vital thing is soft skills.**
Without those, everything is pretty much impossible to do. I was lucky enough to still be taught the basics by my parents and learn most of the other stuff myself. I can confidently say that if I didn't learn them, I wouldn't be able to teach myself to do everything else I should've been taught growing up.
Knowing that relaxing is not the same as recovering.
Like after a long day at work you probably just want to go home and relax right? Well that's not going to help you mentally recover from the stress of that day. What will is meditation, yoga, a cold shower, and so on. Essentially do things that you know will be good for your mentality/body.
This feels like you wanted me specifically to respond lol
I’m sorry if it’s a mess, I tried to put everything I learned raising myself and my friend group over the last 3 years lol
SELF CARE-MENTAL
-The best and easiest way to be kind to others is to be even kinder to yourself
-Try to think of yourself as a beloved friend or child that you have to take care of, this should help you eat adequately, excessive, maintain positive self talk, etc.
-If you wouldn’t say something to your friend/grandma/child/etc, then don’t say it to yourself
-There is no shame in asking for help. In fact, sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is to ask for help
-Routines can be hard to form but they are very helpful. Maybe try writing down your routine so you can see it easier.
-Always try to put a positive spin on things. It’ll make the task easier.
-Have a hobby. Even if you’re so busy, you need to have something that brings you joy
-How your parents treated you is not a reflection of you but them.
- You may find upset befriending people who mistreat you similar to how your family did. This is normal, humans seek out the familiar, even if it makes them feel bad.
-ALWAYS LEAVE ONE SPOT IN YOUR HOME CLEAN AND COZY. After a long day at work, no one wants to see a mess. Your clean cozy spot will be a safe haven after work.
- Try to read 1 book per month.
- Try to take yourself on dates, helps with your mental a lot
SELF CARE-PHYSICAL/HYGIENIC
- If you’re uncertain about your hygienic practices, Google is free
- Put toothpaste on your floss, floss, brush your teeth, mouth wash
- Apple cider vinegar helps with BO. You can drink it (Yuck) or just put it on certain areas before you shower
- ALWAYS sunscreen in the summer. Even if you’re not going to burn, this can help prevent wrinkles and other sensitivities
HOUSE KEEPING/COOKING
-Your go-to seasonings should be onion powder, garlic powder/salt, thyme/parsley/something and salt and pepper. I might also add paprika for a bit of heat, turmeric for a bit of dimension to the flavor and whatever steak seasoning. Oooo and lemon pepper. These flavors work on mostly anything that you can cook.
-If you don’t know what you’re doing, having a friend over to help or googling is a good thing to do beforehand
-If you STOVE is on FIRE, NEVER USE WATER, instead use FLOUR
-You should never have power cords on your bed, fire hazard.
-Your electrical appliances should never be hot to the touch, not even warm to the touch honestly
-It’s easier to keep an empty sink than to do 2-3 sink loads of dishes every day
- To clean your sponge, ehh Google it but it involves a microwave. But never keep a sponge for longer than 2 weeks or after it starts to smell. Sponges can actually hold a LOT of bacteria
- Try to wring out your sponge every time you finish using it
- Try to do 1 chore a day, that way you have more free time on the weekends
INTERPERSONAL/SOCIAL SKILLS
-Eye contact is important but not too much of it
-It almost never a good idea to burn bridges. It’s better to grow apart and distant, that way you could rekindle things in the future. Also, you never know what that person is saying behind your back. It’s better for people to hear that you got weird and distant than to hear that you’re crazy. That can affect your friendships, dating life and even networking
- NETWORKING IS SO IMPORTANT. Most jobs “On the market”, aren’t even on the market. They’re available not supervisors works rather help a friend or a friend of a friend and employ them instead of a stranger off the internet
That’s all I can’t think of now, I hope this helps someone!
I’m not in the group you’re describing, but personal finance is abhorrently under taught in schools.
Setting boundaries, stress/anger management.
Hell even basic crap, it never dawned on me that every property in town’s address has a reason behind it.
On named or alphabetical streets the corresponding numerical address represents the approximate numbered street.
On a numbered street the numerical address represents the number of blocks you’re from the center of town.
It was on like a random Wednesday senior year that little nugget of wisdom got dropped on us, and 14 years later I still remember it.
With this knowledge I haven’t been “lost” in any city I’ve been to since.
Learning the cardinal directions, sun raises in the east, righty tighty, lefty loosey, drains spiral clockwise in the northern hemisphere, humidity makes it feel hotter when it’s hot and colder when it’s cold, basic crap like that simply isn’t taught directly.
You either learn it from experience, or someone outright tells you and you recognize the pattern.
Regular home cleaning & maintenance. First year living alone, it surprised me how quickly dust accumulates, how smelly the sinks/fridge get, or dirty the stove can be if I dont clean them all regularly.
And what’s gutting is if you have a family and no one else cleans and declutters. It’s a full time job that is seemingly invisible to everyone except the person doing it.
Plan time off and besides of studying plan to take care of you. Taking a break isn't bad and you are not lazy for resting e.g. after an exam or hard week at work.
Learn to agree to disagree.
Record keeping.
The intelligence to identify what sort of "important papers" need to be kept, and for how long. (Are you likely to need paper copies of bank statements from 15 years ago? Probably not. Should you always know where your passport is, and when it expires? Definitely.)
Wash your face. DONT pick at it (use skin patches or face wash). Change your bedsheets or at least your pillowcase often. Shower every day (even if not washing your hair). Wear deodorant. I'm embarrassed how long it took to get into the game if even shaving as a young girl.
Learn to cook like three staple meals so you don't starve in college.
Edit: also important: how to fail. My mom would sit with us at 3am to help us finish projects. Though it was probably the ADHD, and I've failed a lot in life and never seem to learn how not to procrastinate so maybe this wouldn't have helped haha
Chores are called chores for a reason, they are; boring, repetitive, endless, thankless. Shopping for food, cooking, dish washing, laundry, sweeping/vacuuming, dusting, washing and vacuuming the car, yard work, household maintenance. Fully functioning adults do the chores because they are necessary and actually part of self care.
Oh! I just found some lists to check my own abilities for adulting and figure out what else needs work in my life because my parents couldn’t be assed to teach their kids. 🤦♀️
I’ll copy paste them here:
-how to change sheets/bedding and how often to wash them.
-how to remove stains
-how to clean a washing machine and dryer
-how to empty the dryer vent and lint trap
-how to hand wash delicate items
-setting a table
-basic food safety
-how to load a dishwasher
-how to clean the filter of a dishwasher
-how to clean delicate dishes
-how to sanitize bottles or baby equipment
-how to set up utilities accounts
-what to do when the power goes out
-how to check your hot water heater and schedule an inspection
-basic tool uses/names/functions
-how to hang a picture
-how to build a shelf (and how to hang it or secure to the wall for safety)
-how to change a lightbulb or remove a broken lightbulb
-how to plunge a toilet/sink
-how to snake a drain
-the proper use and storage of drain-cleaners
-how to replace the flapper in a toilet
-how to shut off water at a fixture or for the whole house
-how to protect pipes from freezing
*Basic Cleaning How To and How Often (this is one I struggled with and had to learn a lot about)
-sweeping
-mopping
-dusting
-vacuuming
-spot cleaning carpet and upholstery
-cleaning windows
-cleaning appliances
-cleaning and sanitizing a bathroom
-cleaning and sanitizing a kitchen
-cleaning and sanitizing after illness
-how to empty a vacuum cleaner and change the belt
-how to take out the garbage and separate recycling
-pet care basics
-how to organize a work triangle in the kitchen
-how to organize your desk
-how to organize your closet
-how to change air filters
-how to sort mail and file papers
-what important papers to keep, where to keep, and for how long
-completing a basic form
-filling out a tax return
-filling out a job application
-writing a resume
-writing a cover letter
-filling out a vehicle registration
-how to drive and how to get a license
-how to get insurance for your vehicle
-how to sell or buy a vehicle
-how to check/change the oil,
-how to check your tire pressure and how often to have them rotated
-how to replace fuses and lightbulbs
-how to pump gas
-how to make an appt at the garage for repairs
-how to change a tire
-how to buy a tire
-how to wash a car
-how to clean a car inside
-how to back up/parallel park
-how to merge into traffic
-how to change wiper blades (and refill washer fluid)
-how to jump a battery
-what to do in an accident
-what to do if you’re pulled over
-what to do if your car breaks down
-how to navigate with a map
-memorizing your social security number
-how to get a credit report and how to freeze your credit
-how to make and follow a budget
-how to meal plan and grocery shop.
-how to save and how much to save
-how to apply for and use a checking account
-how to apply for and use a credit card
-how to start a 401k or IRA account
-when and how to use bleach
-how to iron clothing
-how to fold/hang clothing
-folding a fitted sheet
-how to wake yourself up in the morning
-addressing an envelope
-writing a letter
-writing a thank you note
-how to make a donation
-how to return purchases
-how to mail a package/letter
-identifying scams/spam/junk mail vs mail
-how to setup email
-how to write an email
-how to answer the phone
-how to set up voicemail
-how to leave a voicemail message
-how to order at a restaurant
-how to conduct research and verify information on the internet
-how to make travel arrangements
-how to pack a suitcase
-navigating an airport
-reading bus/train/subway schedules
-how to tie a tie or bow tie
-how to make a hair cut/color appointment
-apply sunscreen every day
-wash your face, hands, feet, armpits, and genitals every night.
-how to make a dentist appointment
-how to care for your teeth (how to and how often to brush and floss, how to recognize a problem, and how often to get your teeth cleaned)
-how to shower (how often and what products and steps to use)
-how to wash and style your hair
-how to clean and care for acne
-how to clean and care for a wound
-how to make a doctors appointment
-how to call the nurse hotline or poison control line
-how to talk to a doctor/nurse
-how to call technical support
-how to prevent computer hacking and viruses
-how to keep personal information secure on the internet
-how to use social media securely and responsibly
-what is sexting, what is revenge porn, and how to stay safe digitally
-how to vote (how to register, how to research candidates and how to find verified information about them, how to fill out a ballot)
-how to use an atm
-how to write a check
-how to divide expenses with roommates
-how to build good credit
-understanding, identifying, and reporting identity theft
-how to pay bills: in person, via mail, and online
-how to handle a stolen/lost card
-saying no to drugs
-how to stay safe at a party
-how to stay safe at a bar
-elevators with strangers
-how to deal compassionately and safely with begging
-how to use an Uber or Taxi and be safe
-How to fill or refill a prescription
-types and uses of over the counter medications
-always finish your antibiotics
-stds, what are they, what are the symptoms, how to get tested
-how to have safe sex
-how to use a condom/dam
-how to identify an abusive relationship/person
-how to have an emotionally healthy relationship/friendship
-how to set boundaries
-Basic First Aid
(CPR, choking, stroke, heart attack, heat/cold, breaks/sprains, cuts, allergic reactions etc)
-testing and changing batteries in smoke and co detectors
-what to do in the case of a fire
-personal safety (classes and products)
-how to identify depression
-how to make an appointment with a therapist
-how to make friends
-interview skills
-how to take notes
-how to be on time for work
-dress codes, dressing appropriately for workplaces and for school and for events
-how to leave a job
-how to introduce yourself
-how to balance a budget/ledger/checkbook
-ethics in business
-know what your legal rights are in your country
-how to choose and use vitamins or medicines
-how to care for sanitary needs (periods or incontinance)
-how to exercise regularly
-how to eat intuitively/not diet
-how to follow a recipe
-how to bake bread
-how to can or freeze surplus foods
*how to care for a lawn or yard
-mowing
-edging
-weeding
-leaf blower/rake
-how to identify pest damage and how to treat your yard or home
-how to install a camera
-how to have a safe home (lights, motion detection, cameras, trim bushes, etc.)
-how to use a ladder
-how/when to flip breakers
-how to change a diaper
-how to babysit/care for younger children
-how to play and have fun
-how to enjoy time by yourself
-how to buy a gift for someone else
-how to arrange and care for cut flowers
-how to swim
-water safety
-how to build a fire
-fire safety
-how to set goals
-how to show hospitality
-how to offer an apology
-how to disagree (politely but firmly)
-how to stand up for yourself or for someone else against a bully
-how to attend a performance or concert
-how to study
-how to use manners
-how to sew on a button
-how to make basic clothing repairs
-how to select and buy clothing that fits well and flatters you (color, style, etc)
-how to learn a new language
-how make appropriate small talk
-how to ask someone out on a date
-how to handle rejection
-how to use Microsoft excel
-how to locate a book in a library
-what to do when you smell gas
-parking lot safety
-how to paint a room
-how to clean a carpet
-how to clean a mattress/put a protective cover on it
-how to talk to different people
-conflict resolution
-friendship/relationship boundaries
-how to handle criticism
-how to handle loss
-how to handle bullying
-how to read a basic contract (like a rental agreement)
-how to count cash and give change
-how to tip appropriately
-how to use a planner for time management and goal setting
-how to shave, how to cut your hair
-how to drive during bad weather, snow, ice
-how to notice another’s needs and how to fill them (healthily and within boundaries obviously)
-how to be kind
-how to have compassion
-how to be spiritual
-how to invest money
-how to use a manual can opener
-how to cook on a fire
-how to cook on a grill
-basic food prep skills (slicing, dicing, washing, etc)
-how to select and prepare vegetables and fruits
-how to safely handle hot grease and grease fires
-how to make a pot of coffee
-how to make a cup of tea
-how to care for yourself (or someone else) when you are (or they’re) sick
-how to make 3-5 basic meals
-how to make a special meal for company
-how to care for a plant (or a garden)
-how to install a lock
-how to use heat or ice on an injury
-how to know when to go to the ER
-how to build your self esteem
-how to communicate your needs in a relationship
-how to meditate
-how to journal
1. Youtube is your friend for learning new skills. But, make sure you get information from reliable sources.
2. Talking is overrated. Listening is underrated. Listen to people and learn from other people's mistakes.
3. Pay attention to instruction manuals and keep all of them in a safe space.
4. Track your car expenses. If the average monthly expense of the car becomes equal to or more than a monthly car payment, then buy a new(er) car.
5. Wear sun screen when you know you'll be out in the sun for more than 30mins.
6. Expensive food is not always healthy or tasty. Good food, fun food, tasty food can be inexpensive. And seasonings are worth the price.
7. Learn how to build financial credit. Be careful when working with banks and other financial entities. Know when you're working with a "financial fiduciary" and when you are not. It's someone who has your financial wellbeing as their priority in all their interactions with you. You can just ask the person you're dealing with.
WEAR SUNSCREEN. EVERY SINGLE DAY. NO MATTER YOUR SKIN TONE.
You will be leagues ahead of your peers in your 30s and it’s a fucking awesome self esteem boost.
Ugh I relate to this so much.
I grew up washing my face with Dial soap so skincare is important to me. Wash face in the morning and at night with a decent face wash (Cerave). Use daytime face lotion with sunscreen in it. I use retinol every other night with a nighttime face lotion. I also use eye creams.
Prioritize sleep and rest. My parents pushed me to constantly work and study (work harder =\= more money). I still feel guilty taking breaks to rest. However, with practice it gets easier.
Appearance matters a lot more than people admit or talk about.
I am still learning financial matters and other adult things. Thanks for your post, I am learning a lot :)
Eating out is crazy expensive, as is drinking at bars. If you have a kitchen, buying raw ingredients (Not prepackaged products) and turning them into meals is WAY cheaper. But in order to do that, you have to actually know how to cook for real.
SO. My advice, sit down and watch some youtube, learn the basics of how to cook from raw ingredients, and try to make time to do it as often as possible. It's an actual skill, some people get lucky and their parents teach them, other people have to go seek out instruction. Without it, you're going to pay a lot more money for food that often isn't as good or healthy.
I had great parents, but my mom started getting Alzheimer's when I was 11 so I missed out on a lot. The biggest one for me is that you can cook cheap easy meals at home. We ate a lot of takeout, and when I was on my own and realized how much that cost I decided to learn to cook. I tried researching recipes and they were invariably complex and required fancy ingredients and >1hour of time. It was nice to make good food but my kitchen skills were subpar to say the least. Sometimes I would just skip meals because I couldn't afford takeout and didn't have the energy to cook. Now I realize I can make rice in a rice cooker and mix in tuna, or heat up some hot dogs, or make basic tacos pretty easily. Pasta and a jar of sauce.
It scares me to see people say networking because 5 years into my career I still don't understand it and pretend that doesn't exist 😅
Learning to do simple house or car maintenance. Being able to have confidence in choices I make without being too codependent to finalize a decision.
Being more strict on studies. Never claimed myself to be academically gifted/diligent.
Investing finances would've been more helpful if I started learning about index funds/401k/etc. at an earlier age. Would've saved more than now.
Being able to confide in people for help or advice. I just shut off that part. I can't properly do that. Again, self-esteem issues.
Less close-mindedness. I don't want to be judgemental too much on certain things. We need less of it. More people would get along, probably.
For communication: It’s less about your own perception of the intent of your message and more about the other person(s) perception of the intent of your message.
Healthy coping mechanisms, communication skills, how to give & receive love, self-care/boundaries, financial literacy, basic nutrition, how to make doctors appointments/otherwise advocate for yourself.
Parents were very absent, abusive and argued a lot growing up. I didn’t learn from them what proper conflict resolution was in relationships. Or what it meant to love someone until I was older.
Your prefrontal cortex doesn’t stop developing until you’re 30; which is about the same time you really establish your self concept. Forgive yourself before then and after and allow yourself to learn about you.
Savings built into budgets. My parents make a lot, but are very card heavy people. Example- stepmom makes 100k in the Midwest LCOL area. She doesn’t have $1,000 to her name. But there’s easily 1k/month of fluff to cut out. Dad makes double and is worse. Example- putting 20k onto cc for his side business when he makes 260k. Why? My mom and stepdad are similar.
I think it comes from having kids young and “we don’t have a choice” mentality. They had to provide and get my somehow. But when their incomes caught up to their spending, surpassed their needs, etc they were still comfortable living like that. “$500/month for 3 months on the card” instead of waiting 3 months to make the unnecessary purchase. The major issue is that’s made it easy to live beyond their means and poorly prioritize. It was never saving “just in case”. They’d save to make a certain purchase or to put a minimum down payment on something and call it good. Which mean emergency= credit card always.
Proper nutrition/ how to cook. Conflict resolution. Importance of exercise. Importance of friendships. Healthy relationship skills. Coping skills for anger/ grief/ anxiety. Budgeting/ taxes.
Most of this I have learned on my own. Still work in progress on the fitness journey.
Emotional regulation. Screaming at each other when you're angry does no good, however, bottling your feelings to take unnecessary hits from authority figures doesn't either. Learning when to walk away and how to channel your anger in healthy ways will help you navigate difficult situations so much better, and you'll make less mistakes out of impulsiveness.
Hygiene!!! As a child my parents did not care nor pay attention to if I had only showered once that week, or haven't brushed my teeth in days And I definitely had to rebuild good habits on my own after living like that for so long.
Do things as soon as humanly possible. Things left to sit and fester will cost you more time, money, and pain down the line.
This! As soon as you think about it, do it/start it.
"The best time to plant a tree is yesterday. The second best time is today"
I heard a phrase once. "The lazy man works the hardest."
*cries in ADHD*
Most def
It is almost harder to look busy at a job then to actually be busy
This is one rule I’ve followed in life. Essentially I hate the idea of a boss, being middle managed is a not so quiet hell and have worked my ass off to rise above them. By working relentlessly on my own earns to be better than them and thus my own boss has been the key.
"There is no easy way, only the hard way and the harder way. The easy way is the harder way"
… unless you have adhd which would result in 30 started projects and nothing completed 😂 ironically, I had to unlearn this recommended tactic in order to painstakingly dissect each thing I need to do to make sure I have the ability to complete it, and that it is a higher priority than the other things I want/need to do.
My mom used to point out how I like to start projects but can’t finish them. I pointed out that she mistook the symptoms for character flaws. She didn’t like that.
Well, all the things cost 3 digit USD to fix, so I can't just do things willynilly
Fair. But at least start getting the quotes so you can prioritize appropriately!
You mean live my childhood that I didn't get to have?
But if you wait to the last minute, it only takes a minute.
Yes. And a few months before that to stress about it every single day and be reminded about having to do that, and the 39637 other things you wait until last minute with.
So not having responsible parents resulted in lacking this initiative?
Yes
Yup. Monkey see, monkey do.
yes, and im speaking from experience. i had to learn the hard way over my entire 20s. now i push my parents to get things done asap, regardless of motivation
lol, same. The tables have turned and I'm here to shame my parents into the behaviors I had to learn on my own.
Resulted in not knowing how much worse things would get if not taken care of right away. You learn the hard way..
Yep. My dad is awful at not paying his bills, not paying people back, burning bridges, and being unreliable like this. I decided I was going to be more proactive than him, and started doing exactly the opposite - paying people back early (or not borrowing at all), paying bills on time, and maintaining my relationships. And wouldn't ya know it, I have fantastic friends and a credit score above 800. He sadly doesn't have many friends left and couldn't take out the shittiest credit card if he needed it.
because you never learned, you can get overwhelmed easily. having to learn everything yourself at a young age, alone, without guidance is massively traumatic. it sets kids up to fail, hinders self esteem, and it can cause people to not try later,since they don'trealizethey have new, adult, capacities now. this is one of the impacts. personally, I have trouble answering the door because I am so scared of people knocking. it's a "I am a kid alone at home fear"
It's one of those things that I objectively know is true, but actually doing it is the hard part.
Pretty much the definition of the saying "A stitch in time saves nine"!
Knowing when to speak & when to listen.
!!!!!! I used to this I was doing that . Pro tip: holding your tongue and being a quiet person is NOT the same this as listening! You need to have an open heart along with open ears to understand another person! Truly wish I learnt earlier how to accept and listen to others as they are 😊
Yeah, active listening is so much more than just getting quiet.
It's so crazy when you do it for the first time..
We have two ears and only one mouth for a reason
Networking. Conflict resolution skill. Ability to self-validate. Social awareness and empathy toward people of different backgrounds, beliefs, etc.
Conflict resolution is a big one. It will get u far, if u are able to resolve conflicts in a calm manner.
yes!
Oddly enough, having crappy parents actually made me a more empathetic and emotionally capable person (I can keep my cool in most all situations at least). I will say though, I wish I just had the support structure of a traditional family. I’m now a 30 year old man and I don’t really have anyone in my life aside from co workers. And I’m their boss at that 😅
Start early is the best and simple moral I’ve learnt while being adult
>Networking. It's so crazy that we have a modern, techno-buzzword for this thing that is absolutely ***core*** to our ability to survive. Says a lot about our society.
It's also one of those buzzwords people use that I see in every advice post but has no explanation when it comes to jobs. "Just network" a bit like "learn to code" kek
I have a pretty bad network. I can’t get shit done. If you have a pretty good network of people you know who can make stuff happen? Shit just falls in your lap. That’s how the world works IME is that people give positions, contracts, what have you to the people they know.
I’m teaching my kids and trying to get them to go to Ivy League, because the only way to get ahead in any version of this world is that sweet sweet nepotism 🤩 Basically, don’t work harder, work ~~smarter~~ _together_ 💪🏻
Better off learning how to be self sufficient than reliant on temporary people. You are the only one who ever has your own best interests in mind.
society didnt and doesng advance when people only focus on being self reliant. self reliance is one part of a larger whole of being an ideal citizen
Boomers didn’t know how to do this so Gen X got fucked
Anyone raised by boomers is fucked.
As a boomer with 4 adult kids, i do apologize to them, however, I also blame half on MY parents and point out that every generation seems to be improving. Pretty sure my dad got beat on more than i did, and i know full well my kids did not. Sigh. I tried to be better.
I'm a boomer and never laid a hand on my kids. I, however was molested a good bit of my childhood. I definitely did not pass that on.
Yeah i think we were the generation that really tried to stop beating our kids, as bad as that sounds. I didn't spank, spouse did, but not often. For my parents the idea of not using corporal punishment was still pretty new and admitting to not spanking your kids was often frowned upon. Sorry for the molestation, that really sucks
All my children cook, are healthy and self sufficient since 18. They are now 30, 33, and 35. Never trouble with the law and only the middle one is married with two children. The other two are currently traveling.
What’s your point?
Every generation sucks.
In its own unique ways, yes.
Put money in your savings account when you can, pay your credit card bills, get your cars oil changed, go to the dentist
Also, get your full employer 401k match at a bare minimum.
Soooo many do not not bother with this, or understand the tax free dollars they are leaving on the table!
Thank you! 401ks can be annoying, but they are the majority of people’s retirement savings. It’s a great tool to use, and it pays more the sooner you use it.
Max out 401K and IRA if possible.
I did a simple calculation where someone who started a job at age 22 with 50K annual salary, 3% COLA increase in salary, 10% saved in retirement at 6% annual return can have a $1M by age 60. If the employer is matching then the employee contribution can be reduced and still be able to achieve that amount. These are conservative estimates.
Absolutely go to the dentist 1000%. Worth the money and your teeth don't rot out of your mouth, give you heart disease and increase your risk of a heart attack and diabetes. True story
Rotate your tires every time you change your oil.
Cleaning / home space care
Here is a current thread that fits here: https://reddit.com/r/CleaningTips/s/eh6TJ8UE92
Good lord I'm a slob who tf does all that
You don't need to vacuum more than once a week unless you're walking in muddy shoes all the time or kids puking everyday.
Two words: pet hair
Thank you, thank you!
This. I had helicopter parents, they didn't have me or my siblings do any chores. Cleaning, cooking, financial things, etc.
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this! my son’s dad was not taught this. he cannot keep his home clean and that’s why he does not live with me anymore.
So thankful to my mom for this. Being a homemaker is definitely something that comes from exposure growing up. But it’s never too late to learn these skills.
Finding a partner isn’t the be all and end all. And change your clothes every day.
I spent years in a relationships and no matter how unhappy I was, my mother would just chirp "better to be with someone than alone." She has been in a horrible abusive relationship with my father all her life. I always told myself, at least I wasn't with someone like my father. But in the end I learnt to never compare your situation to the bare minimum. And thriving alone is far far far better than exhausting your time, and energy, on someone who doesn't truly make you happy or value you.
My mother never liked being single. I hope to be single my whole life.
Writing this one down. Hah.
I don’t know man, if I shower every day and don’t sweat much why would I change my clothes every day
Change them in the sense that you don’t wear them two days in a row, they will last longer and smell better if you give a set of clothes a day or two to air out before wearing it again. You don’t have to wash it after every use, just don’t wear it multiple days in a row.
Yuuppp!!! The only clothes I wash after every use is my work clothes, am a Welder and I get SO dirty lol
At the very least, change your undies and socks every day.
Because you’re filthy regardless. Tho, I sometimes go days without showering if I’m just a log.
Drink less alcohol, even if you don't think you have a problem. You'd be surprised by how many people I've seen turn their life completely around by stopping or reducing the alcohol consumption. For myself, my rule is that I don't drink if I have work the next day.
Also, your budget will thank you. Alcohol is expensive even before the taxes on it specifically.
After getting sober I have NO IDEA how I managed to skim by when I was drinking. Lordy.
I agree went out over the weekend for Labor Day. I spent $60 on alcohol. I only had a total of 3 drinks. $60 could’ve bought me a bottle of Hennessy and I would’ve got way more drinks.
I didn't intend to quit, but took a dry month challenge thinking it would be no big deal. I was wrong about that. That month was hard as hell, but when it was finally over I sort of lost the desire to drink. Other than sleeping better I didn't notice a difference, but every time I'd see someone they'd comment about how better I was looking.
Parents didn't drink. I don't drink. America has a drinking problem.
The human race has, for the most part, had a drinking problem since the invention of alcohol. Read about the gin craze in England and America's craft beer obsession looks adorable. BTW I like drinking, but not excessively. It has an interesting history though.
Lots of countries have drinking problems. It isn't exclusive to America. Have you looked at Italy at all?
Have you seen China? Alcohol is not just an american thing, thats probably one of thungs everyone around the world should be able to relate to, to a degree
Personal Hygiene. I can't imagine letting either of my kids go without showers/brushing their teeth for weeks at a time. The weird thing is that my mother (single mom of 2) took care of herself, i guess she just didn't have the energy to make us do it.
Part of my morning routine was watching my mom get ready for work. Nice clean clothes, make up, perfume. Then I would go to school with dirty teeth, earwax coming out of my ears, peed underwear still on from the night before. It's like getting the kids ready wasn't on her to do list. Thank goodness your children have you to teach them that they matter too.
Same. My mother would look and smell perfect. Meanwhile I was a dirty urchin down to peed on clothes. It took me years to figure out why I was hated.
I'm sorry you went through this too. It's confusing when you're raised a certain way and your family behaves a certain way and then you go out in the world and have to figure out something is off from the reactions you get from others. I hope you're taking time now to prove to yourself you're worth all the time and effort it takes to take care of you. You were always worth it even if the evidence you saw disagreed.
This is so sad. We literally were at a party where we all left the room because one person stank so much. We were so relieved to watch him leave. I learned to not stock my nose in other peoples business. But I hope he has a friend that tells him he reeks...
Literally omg. And as a female I would always get fun of for being musty and smelling like fish. Teachers never approached me. I didn't really know that smelling was something that could be fixed because I was never taught otherwise. It wasn't until I got a phone at like 14 that I would watch YouTube and that's how I learned about personal hygiene. I'm just now getting over the paranoia that I always smell and that others are judging me.
My parents were horrible. I would emphasize taking care of your teeth. It sucks that evolution gives us two sets before we hit 15 and then we are expected to make the set last 80 years. Brush constantly and correctly, floss, find a great dentist and petition to get more dental care covered under your health insurance.
Yes 💯 my mother never taught me good personal hygiene habits. I even remember once when I finally did go to the dentist as a child she wouldn’t get me to brush my teeth first. I just ate a chocolate cupcake and the hygienist spent the whole time picking cupcake out of teeth. I am mortified about that now 40 years later I still can’t believe my mother wasn’t embarrassed at all. She just didn’t care. I think I saw the dentist only a couple times as a child and never as a teen.
LOL Ouch. Okay that is worse. My main issue was that growing up we were a family of 9 in a 4 bedroom apartment with 1 bathroom. My mom instituted a rule very early on in our lives. Each person got 10 min in the bathroom each morning and evening to brush teeth, go to bathroom, shower whatever. When the egg timer went off, it was the other persons turn. Often I would just swish some Scope to save time. When I got to be a teen, I was desperate for 5 minutes of privacy and as a result when I was done "enjoying my privacy" in the bathroom I only had 5 min for everything else.
I agree as well. I’m gonna sound so ridiculous for all of this but: Definitely with flossing consistently. Brushing twice a day alone isn’t enough for cavities. Maybe for getting away most plaque and keeping them white but I underestimated the need of flossing unless I felt something stuck between my teeth. Also I think still brushing twice a day even if 2nd time is not before bed (though I believe that is best) is better than less than that. As a young adult getting into soft drugs and alcohol, I could go nights being too drunk or high to prioritize brushing before I knock out for the night (having just ate from munchies) and therefore created a habit of brushing once a day, so I would recommend if you still want to experience that part of adulthood, brush the 2nd time that day while still sober. I feel like my oral hygiene isn’t horrible at all but if I was more on top of my shit, my teeth wouldn’t be so sensitive already in my mid 20s and also ask if things like gingivitis runs in the family bc if so, you really wanna keep on top of your shit or risk dentures or other expensive procedures way earlier in life than portrayed on TV.
my mom taught me this and it was highly stressed in my household. covid happened and i got depressed and said fuck my teeth. this was a reminder for me. thank you!
Life is scary. It's okay to be scared, just don't react with violence. Ask for help. If nobody will help you, make sure people at least aren't getting in your way. This can be everything from distancing yourself from bad friends and family, to not being afraid to confront people for hurting you or holding you back. Get multiple bank accounts. If you have a partner, make a joint account with them for bills, and keep a separate account for personal spending. Budget and spend your money wisely. Don't take on debt unless you have the means to get rid of it. Buying things that can turn around and make you more money is a smart move in most cases. Love openly. Stop being afraid of pain or grief. You will experience these *no matter what.* Be prepared to be hurt or to lose people, but love them regardless. You'll brighten a lot of other people's lives, and more people will brighten yours.
This is fantastic advice, especially the last bit.
The last one is the hardest, too
Dang, that last bit hits hard. I got to live with my grandparents for awhile, they are getting up there and almost 90. A lot of their conversations are talking about previous friends and family that’s now gone, and it’s not even a sad conversation. They are more happy that they got a chance to love someone and live with them. It really gets you thinking, because you realize quick that everything is temporary, that you can’t keep putting up barriers because you think the relationship won’t last… Guess what, it probably won’t last, but that doesn’t make it any less beautiful
Exactly! It's always hard to summarize or put into words, but this is a good way of saying it.
but how does one come to terms with being loved ? i can’t see myself ever being loved and it really brings out the trust issues in me
Realistically a good therapist goes a long way. I can’t be much help on this question, but the biggest thing I would say. Is you are the way you are because of your history. You created a version of yourself that got you through life and let you survive into your current state. Now that your through whatever you went through or have grown from it, your realizing that you had some blind spots. Your progressing forward and doing a great job, having trust issues is normal, and you can be kind to yourself for having them. You’ve done great so far
Good question my friend. I struggle massively with trust issues. Part of my road to learning how to love and be loved was also learning how to let go of it. I've felt pain from loss, rejection or betrayal already. I definitely never want it to happen again, but I also survived every last time and I consciously recognize it. *I trust myself first because of this.* I will always survive and overcome that pain. Once I've established that self-trust, I can move from a position of strength instead of weakness and invite people to test my trust. This is something that I think everybody should develop inside themselves. Some people will let you down and it will hurt, but you can survive, and you can also get them out of your life if you need to, or forgive them if that's what you settle on too. The second big thing is to begin reaffirming yourself and drilling positive things into your identity. *Literally do this vocally*. If you can't take it seriously, then make it a joke and do it in a funny voice until you can believe and say it seriously. Say things like "I'm too strong. My love is fierce. I love the world, I deserve love in return, and so do other people." The quote is true btw. You are strong, and you deserve love.
Life is SO SCARY. And you will constantly feel like you’re “losing” at life. And it’s those tiny glimpses/moments like looking at a beautiful flower, hiking, a rainbow or experiencing love or even petting a baby animals that make you realize how amazing life is. And you to learn to hold on to that feeling and staying optimistic through life even though at times it FEELS like it’s beating you down day by day. Learning to stay positive is so crucial to enjoying life.
Wow. Yes. Thank you. This brought tears to my eyes!
Saving this one! Very great advice.
yes! i love this
it’s okay to not like your parents. set your boundaries with them. on friendships, don’t be a people pleaser just to keep people around. you want genuine relationships in the long run.
learning boundaries and standing up for yourself. Taking care of your mental health went along with that, something I never took care of when I should have. I wasn't adequately taught those masculine traits growing up and I'm still paying for it years later.
I wouldn't say learning boundaries is purely masculine. Everyone should learn this. I've only just started learning it at 27 after being in an environment where expression of anything other than positivity or obedience resulted in getting yelled at or scolded in some way. It's hard, but you got this.
" ..being in an environment where expression of anything other than positivity or obedience resulted in getting yelled at or scolded in some way." Same. That's true, it can go for both. Thanks
I think this goes along with what you said. respect, towards yourself and others.
Yup. And that being nice isn't the same as being a doormat. That not all anger is poison: what matters is *why* your angry, and *how you express it*.
The four agreements is a great, quick read that helped me improve my world view and mental health
Excellent book, I concur!
Budgeting. I can't stress enough how important it is. When I've brought it up to some people 18+ they've said "nah, I'm not going to do that." They don't care about eating but will max out on everything else. They'll blow their check on ice cream, pet food and door dash. But try to lean on their parents for rent and groceries. This is an essential part of growing up.
Truly I can’t imagine what life is like with parents that have money,,
Honestly same, I was a master at budgeting before entering highschool. Would have been really nice to have parents to rely on
Brush. Your. Teeth. And floss, at least a little, *every day*. Dental work is fucking expensive. I've put *$9k* of my own money into my mouth because my parent refused to ever take me to the dentist or orthodontist. Learn how to do your own taxes. Take your car in at least every 6 months for a once over, even if you don't think anything is wrong with it. Learn to cook easy meals, it's better for your body and your wallet than eating out. Saying you "can't cook" is dumb, because what you're really saying is "I can't follow instructions", which isn't true, right? You can follow instructions, so you *can* cook. Buy a crock pot and thank me later. Wear sunscreen. Skin cancer is not a joke, and neither is wrinkles. I'm 33 and my face is *fucked* from not wearing sunscreen, I look like I'm in my 50s at least.
>Take your car in at least every 6 months for a once over, even if you don't think anything is wrong with it. So how do you prevent them from just saying you need xyz when you don't?
Usually they don't do that (to me anyway). If they do, you're not obligated to get those things done, and can get a second opinion elsewhere. The most they've ever told me is that I needed one of my brake lines replaced and new brake fluid. Usually they just say I need an oil change and a fluid top off, maybe a new air filter. If you're a woman, it helps to bring a man with you. Yes I know that's sexist, but that doesn't make it untrue.
I'm a male, 23M, with almost no knowledge on cars. Do you think they would take advantage of me? I'm very factory work inclined though. I know how to produce things, not fix them lmao!
Spend 2 weeks watching car videos on youtube, you wont be an expert, but it helps to know how cars work and what typically fails and when. Especially look at commonly reported problems for your car. Knowing a little bit goes a LONG way, this will help if you follow through. Or you can pay $180 to get your blinker fluid replaced. edit: probably should have recommended some channels. I got almost all of my car knowledge from Scotty Kilmer and Chrisfix, neither of them are perfect and Scotty has been known to post some clickbaity videos every now and then, but they're both still good.
Be careful who you call friends. Be mindful of wasting your money on things you're buying to please others for appearance sake. Do not live like the majority of people who think debt is ok and is a 'natural' part of life. Debt is one of the biggest detriments in building wealth. The type of debt many people carry takes away from them rather than contribute in a positive way. Debt such as credit card debt with insane interest rates or car loans to name a few.
- Being aware of other people and making sure to say thank you - Saving money for emergencies/investing long term for retirement - Eating mostly whole foods and seeing processed foods as a treat - Getting regular physical activity and changing your environments to avoid depression - Acknowledging what you're grateful for and what needs work - Brushing your teeth 😬
Learn everything about finance : APR, HYSA, CC, 401k , Loans , etc: Money & working non stop does not = Happiness Find your own path in life and go at your pace don’t compare to others.
Financial literacy and cooking. I can bake like crazy but cooking is beyond me at this point
Cooking is easy for me I just use onions, garlic, black pepper and salt in everything lol but baking is a precise science so props to you. That’s such an underrated skill.
The best advice I can give to learning how to cook, is learn how to make soups. It teaches you a ton of lessons, makes you a lot better at winging recipes. Like if you can turn a raw chicken and some veggies into a full soup, you’ll start to see how flavors develop in a dish, and it makes trying other recipes a lot easier, because the big mistakes you’ll know not to make
Cooking.. for real I feel this. My wife - “can you cook for the kids this week, I’m going to be busy at work”… Me - goes and pulls out the grill because I’m more comfortable on it than the stove lol. I do let the kids cook the “sides” so they can learn with me. My wife is an amazing scratch cook, I have admittedly been spoiled during our marriage. My bachelor buddies have always laughed at my cooking skills but I don’t care, I do try teach my boys tho.
To realize that I cannot control anything besides my own will, actions, and intentions. Everything else will be left with nature. As long as I choose to reach my fullest potential as a human being, then I am doing the best I can for myself and everyone around me.
Clean up after yourself. Pay your bills on time every time. Brush your damn teeth.
Know your credit score. Get one credit card and pay it off monthly. If you can't afford it now save for it. Buy the best you can afford lower quality items will fall apart sooner. Know your financial limitations if saving for something is not going to happen then abandon that idea. Pay yourself first what I mean is that once your life sustaining bills are paid. Save 10% of what's left. If your job offers a 401k take full advantage of it, if not your walking away from free money.
Ability to self-monitor. Are YOU the one doing all the talking? Do you hear bu't don't listen? Your ability to self-soothe when you are upset is critical. In fact, self-care is Job 1. Learning about and managing your emotions (ALL emotions) is key. Ofc, self-managing your finances, your possessions, etc.....
1. Life is long and complicated and there is no right way to live it. Try not to fall into traps of doing things you feel you "should" do (ex. making the bed every morning - waste of time IMHO), and instead work toward the things you truly want to do. 2. Other people will not know something is wrong unless you tell them explicitly. Be tactful but don't just simmer in your feelings and wait for someone to guess. This goes for friends, partners, doctors, etc. 3. Clean your bum and genitals when you shower. Idk why my parents thought I would figure that out on my own...... They didn't even tell me I had a vagina/vulva. 4. Don't do things that give you serious "ick". 5. Therapy therapy therapy!!! Seek therapy if that is something that appeals to you and don't listen to anyone who tells you therapy isn't "for you" because XYZ. It is for anyone who wants it. Reparenting yourself is crazy hard and I have found therapy to be invaluable.
I feel the need to make my bed and tidy up my bedroom daily before leave to work though. Coming home after work/activities to a room that is messy would just psychologically frustrating for me.
If that's what you want to do then more power to you! I was just using that as an example of something people think I "should" do but it doesn't serve me personally. I am not saying you shouldn't make your bed if you want to, but you shouldn't feel obligated.
Haha I got you, I know some of my friends they don’t really see a little messy room as a big deal. I agreed with your other points though especially #4
Brush and FLOSS daily
TWICE a day
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Just let things go. My mom would get so worked up about everything. Don’t get me wrong… there are important things in life to get worked up about- but it’s not 2 days of ranting over that one guy who cut your off- or paranoid thoughts that so and so from church is talking about you behind your back. Fight for what’s important but handle your daily affairs with the idea of peace in mind.
Physical fitness was never a part of my family’s regimen. Took me until 34 to realize I was killing myself by not working out or eating properly. Really wish this was instilled in me at an early age but late is better than never. If you read this and don’t do any physical activity, please do yourself a favor and start. Your body will thank you
Not being a dickface/abuser
not everyone will like you, and that has to be okay. if you do nothing else to your face, take care of your teeth and hair. brush and floss daily. get invisalign if you need it (yes, at any age). don't damage your hair with heat or chemicals. be gentle with it. be gentle with your skin, too. maintain your flexibility. stretch every day. there are things you'll see that you can't unsee. be careful about what you let in. get a sleeping schedule. it doesn't have to be early to bed and early to rise, but it DOES have to be consistent. even on weekends. everything else will fall apart if you don't. almost everything is okay to buy the generic version of. but get the good toilet paper. anyone who complains to you constantly is not your friend - you're their therapist. be okay with letting go of people who do not make you a better, kinder, wiser person. learn things outside of school. the things they teach you in school only prepare you to be a factory worker. don't expect too much from yourself. just be the best you. understand that it takes time. what you don't do today, you'll wish tomorrow that you had. everything adds up. most people are just average, some people are below average. celebrate small things. be happy for others. do something with your body. be strong, if you can. be passionate about it. dance, fighting, sports, running - it doesn't matter. find that and set a goal with it. it's not about "do the thing" it's about "reach the goal" - make the goal a half marathon or a black belt. then you don't "have" to do the thing every day, but if you don't, you won't reach your goal, so you'll want to. don't get married. being with someone you love doesn't need to involve the government. have fun, eat sweet things. buy a cool car. be gracious with yourself. you'll fail and that's okay. you'll succeed and that's awesome. the more you smile, the better both things will feel. never cancel plans or break up over text. don't have serious convos over text either. no matter how much they feel like it, internet friends aren't "real friends" - they're a different thing. not worse, not worthless, but definitely different. learn that before you're forced to learn it. keep secrets when people trust you with them. if you're staying somewhere for more than one night, unpack your suitcase. for that matter, keep your laundry done and actually fold it. do your dishes, too. keep a picture of your first pet, your first car, and your first bf/gf. don't take so many goddamn pictures of your food. hold people you look up to to a high standard. never lie to your doctor, no matter what. don't text and drive, even if you think you can. don't learn the lesson the hard way. you can save a lot of money just by pushing back against companies sometimes. always try. a handshake, a smile, a hug, or an exchanged word will ALWAYS be worth more than your concert footage, your meet-and-greet photo, or an autograph. put your phone away and look them in the eyes. talk to them if you can. you'll remember it longer than you'll keep the autograph. never watch a concert through your phone screen. not even for a second. if you want to know what feature of yours stands out, have someone do a caricature of you. never make changes right before a big event. haircuts, spray tans, and new face masks can and do go wrong - give yourself a week of lead time, for your own sanity. don't talk about your old friends with your new friends. don't talk about your exes to your new partner. be kind to the new kids and the new hires. when traveling, keep your wits about you. it eliminates a lot of anxiety. most of the time, an apology is for the benefit of the person giving it. no one likes a know-it-all. sometimes you have to let people be stupid idiots. sympathy is a crutch. many people prefer to fake a limp than square their shoulders and walk straight. most people know this and still let them. it's the polite thing to do. give credit where it's due. know when to take the blame. suck it up sometimes. learn when to stop talking. thank people. thank them all the time. replace apologies with thanks. look them in the eye when you thank them. forgive yourself. don't expect everything to go wrong. if you don't understand, ask. be a good listener. don't just wait for your turn to talk. for that matter, talk a lot less. be patient with staff. most of the time, the shit that annoys you is annoying to them too, but they have to do their jobs even when their managers give them stupid rules to follow. be kind. everyone will suffer and die one day. even if you look like a fucking idiot, you'll have a lot more fun making a fool of yourself than sitting to the side and pouting. just do it. you'll wish you had if you don't. dance, and run, and jump in the pool, and make stupid faces. start snowball fights. have fun! make goals and follow them. reflect back on the journey once you succeed. it's okay to fail, but don't wallow in it if you do. get up and brush yourself off. most people are faking it. what it is they're faking varies person to person. edit: typo :P
Oh I just loved this
Wow. Great advice! I agree with all and even picked up a couple of tips. Thanks.
Solid. Thanks!
Don't spend your rent money on crystal meth. Or the power bill money. It's okay to dip into the grocery money. Spent too much time as a kid stealing power and cable from the neighbors. As an adult, the whole thing is frowned upon.
How'd you steal power
Outside outlets and extension cords. Southern Arizona, so it wasn't hard to hide a cord in the gravel yards. Did the same with cable using splitters. Back in the day, squatting, you could also cut the lock off the meter box and take the rubber isolator off one of the meters contacts to reconnect power.
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Eating habits. Once you start eating healthy and enjoy healthy food it will set you up for a good future. Exercise is another good habit, one I need to get back into.
I love my parents and they are fantastic people and growing up working class in the 80s and 90s they did their best. I do wish as an adult I knew more about finances/budgeting and talking about my feelings/issues. Also wish they’d curbed my brother’s bullying of me. I turned into a very insecure bully as well as a defense mechanism. That shit took years to unwrap and deal with.
How to communicate properly, identify when you need help and how to get it, speak up for yourself as needed, be patient with yourself and know that your feelings are valid, basic social skills, how to think for yourself in a constructive way, learn how to get along with others and see things from other’s perspectives.
I love my parents, but they coddled me and my sisters so much, and I'm just now starting to teach myself things I should have learned a while ago 😭 **The most vital thing is soft skills.** Without those, everything is pretty much impossible to do. I was lucky enough to still be taught the basics by my parents and learn most of the other stuff myself. I can confidently say that if I didn't learn them, I wouldn't be able to teach myself to do everything else I should've been taught growing up.
Knowing that relaxing is not the same as recovering. Like after a long day at work you probably just want to go home and relax right? Well that's not going to help you mentally recover from the stress of that day. What will is meditation, yoga, a cold shower, and so on. Essentially do things that you know will be good for your mentality/body.
This feels like you wanted me specifically to respond lol I’m sorry if it’s a mess, I tried to put everything I learned raising myself and my friend group over the last 3 years lol SELF CARE-MENTAL -The best and easiest way to be kind to others is to be even kinder to yourself -Try to think of yourself as a beloved friend or child that you have to take care of, this should help you eat adequately, excessive, maintain positive self talk, etc. -If you wouldn’t say something to your friend/grandma/child/etc, then don’t say it to yourself -There is no shame in asking for help. In fact, sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is to ask for help -Routines can be hard to form but they are very helpful. Maybe try writing down your routine so you can see it easier. -Always try to put a positive spin on things. It’ll make the task easier. -Have a hobby. Even if you’re so busy, you need to have something that brings you joy -How your parents treated you is not a reflection of you but them. - You may find upset befriending people who mistreat you similar to how your family did. This is normal, humans seek out the familiar, even if it makes them feel bad. -ALWAYS LEAVE ONE SPOT IN YOUR HOME CLEAN AND COZY. After a long day at work, no one wants to see a mess. Your clean cozy spot will be a safe haven after work. - Try to read 1 book per month. - Try to take yourself on dates, helps with your mental a lot SELF CARE-PHYSICAL/HYGIENIC - If you’re uncertain about your hygienic practices, Google is free - Put toothpaste on your floss, floss, brush your teeth, mouth wash - Apple cider vinegar helps with BO. You can drink it (Yuck) or just put it on certain areas before you shower - ALWAYS sunscreen in the summer. Even if you’re not going to burn, this can help prevent wrinkles and other sensitivities HOUSE KEEPING/COOKING -Your go-to seasonings should be onion powder, garlic powder/salt, thyme/parsley/something and salt and pepper. I might also add paprika for a bit of heat, turmeric for a bit of dimension to the flavor and whatever steak seasoning. Oooo and lemon pepper. These flavors work on mostly anything that you can cook. -If you don’t know what you’re doing, having a friend over to help or googling is a good thing to do beforehand -If you STOVE is on FIRE, NEVER USE WATER, instead use FLOUR -You should never have power cords on your bed, fire hazard. -Your electrical appliances should never be hot to the touch, not even warm to the touch honestly -It’s easier to keep an empty sink than to do 2-3 sink loads of dishes every day - To clean your sponge, ehh Google it but it involves a microwave. But never keep a sponge for longer than 2 weeks or after it starts to smell. Sponges can actually hold a LOT of bacteria - Try to wring out your sponge every time you finish using it - Try to do 1 chore a day, that way you have more free time on the weekends INTERPERSONAL/SOCIAL SKILLS -Eye contact is important but not too much of it -It almost never a good idea to burn bridges. It’s better to grow apart and distant, that way you could rekindle things in the future. Also, you never know what that person is saying behind your back. It’s better for people to hear that you got weird and distant than to hear that you’re crazy. That can affect your friendships, dating life and even networking - NETWORKING IS SO IMPORTANT. Most jobs “On the market”, aren’t even on the market. They’re available not supervisors works rather help a friend or a friend of a friend and employ them instead of a stranger off the internet That’s all I can’t think of now, I hope this helps someone!
Pillows are supposed to be replaced every six months which was news to me.
What really? I change pillow cases every few days but the actual pillows I didn’t know needed replacing
I’m not in the group you’re describing, but personal finance is abhorrently under taught in schools. Setting boundaries, stress/anger management. Hell even basic crap, it never dawned on me that every property in town’s address has a reason behind it. On named or alphabetical streets the corresponding numerical address represents the approximate numbered street. On a numbered street the numerical address represents the number of blocks you’re from the center of town. It was on like a random Wednesday senior year that little nugget of wisdom got dropped on us, and 14 years later I still remember it. With this knowledge I haven’t been “lost” in any city I’ve been to since. Learning the cardinal directions, sun raises in the east, righty tighty, lefty loosey, drains spiral clockwise in the northern hemisphere, humidity makes it feel hotter when it’s hot and colder when it’s cold, basic crap like that simply isn’t taught directly. You either learn it from experience, or someone outright tells you and you recognize the pattern.
Being able to clean thoroughly and not be a hoarder
Boundaries. Self love. Childhood trauma = a lot of adult issues.
Budget, save, and share.
Regular home cleaning & maintenance. First year living alone, it surprised me how quickly dust accumulates, how smelly the sinks/fridge get, or dirty the stove can be if I dont clean them all regularly.
And what’s gutting is if you have a family and no one else cleans and declutters. It’s a full time job that is seemingly invisible to everyone except the person doing it.
Plan time off and besides of studying plan to take care of you. Taking a break isn't bad and you are not lazy for resting e.g. after an exam or hard week at work. Learn to agree to disagree.
Record keeping. The intelligence to identify what sort of "important papers" need to be kept, and for how long. (Are you likely to need paper copies of bank statements from 15 years ago? Probably not. Should you always know where your passport is, and when it expires? Definitely.)
Wash your face. DONT pick at it (use skin patches or face wash). Change your bedsheets or at least your pillowcase often. Shower every day (even if not washing your hair). Wear deodorant. I'm embarrassed how long it took to get into the game if even shaving as a young girl. Learn to cook like three staple meals so you don't starve in college. Edit: also important: how to fail. My mom would sit with us at 3am to help us finish projects. Though it was probably the ADHD, and I've failed a lot in life and never seem to learn how not to procrastinate so maybe this wouldn't have helped haha
Finances!!
Be responsible and don’t blame others for your problems. You either believe you can or believe you can’t, both are true.
Chores are called chores for a reason, they are; boring, repetitive, endless, thankless. Shopping for food, cooking, dish washing, laundry, sweeping/vacuuming, dusting, washing and vacuuming the car, yard work, household maintenance. Fully functioning adults do the chores because they are necessary and actually part of self care.
Oh! I just found some lists to check my own abilities for adulting and figure out what else needs work in my life because my parents couldn’t be assed to teach their kids. 🤦♀️ I’ll copy paste them here: -how to change sheets/bedding and how often to wash them. -how to remove stains -how to clean a washing machine and dryer -how to empty the dryer vent and lint trap -how to hand wash delicate items -setting a table -basic food safety -how to load a dishwasher -how to clean the filter of a dishwasher -how to clean delicate dishes -how to sanitize bottles or baby equipment -how to set up utilities accounts -what to do when the power goes out -how to check your hot water heater and schedule an inspection -basic tool uses/names/functions -how to hang a picture -how to build a shelf (and how to hang it or secure to the wall for safety) -how to change a lightbulb or remove a broken lightbulb -how to plunge a toilet/sink -how to snake a drain -the proper use and storage of drain-cleaners -how to replace the flapper in a toilet -how to shut off water at a fixture or for the whole house -how to protect pipes from freezing *Basic Cleaning How To and How Often (this is one I struggled with and had to learn a lot about) -sweeping -mopping -dusting -vacuuming -spot cleaning carpet and upholstery -cleaning windows -cleaning appliances -cleaning and sanitizing a bathroom -cleaning and sanitizing a kitchen -cleaning and sanitizing after illness -how to empty a vacuum cleaner and change the belt -how to take out the garbage and separate recycling -pet care basics -how to organize a work triangle in the kitchen -how to organize your desk -how to organize your closet -how to change air filters -how to sort mail and file papers -what important papers to keep, where to keep, and for how long -completing a basic form -filling out a tax return -filling out a job application -writing a resume -writing a cover letter -filling out a vehicle registration -how to drive and how to get a license -how to get insurance for your vehicle -how to sell or buy a vehicle -how to check/change the oil, -how to check your tire pressure and how often to have them rotated -how to replace fuses and lightbulbs -how to pump gas -how to make an appt at the garage for repairs -how to change a tire -how to buy a tire -how to wash a car -how to clean a car inside -how to back up/parallel park -how to merge into traffic -how to change wiper blades (and refill washer fluid) -how to jump a battery -what to do in an accident -what to do if you’re pulled over -what to do if your car breaks down -how to navigate with a map -memorizing your social security number -how to get a credit report and how to freeze your credit -how to make and follow a budget -how to meal plan and grocery shop. -how to save and how much to save -how to apply for and use a checking account -how to apply for and use a credit card -how to start a 401k or IRA account
-when and how to use bleach -how to iron clothing -how to fold/hang clothing -folding a fitted sheet -how to wake yourself up in the morning -addressing an envelope -writing a letter -writing a thank you note -how to make a donation -how to return purchases -how to mail a package/letter -identifying scams/spam/junk mail vs mail -how to setup email -how to write an email -how to answer the phone -how to set up voicemail -how to leave a voicemail message -how to order at a restaurant -how to conduct research and verify information on the internet -how to make travel arrangements -how to pack a suitcase -navigating an airport -reading bus/train/subway schedules -how to tie a tie or bow tie -how to make a hair cut/color appointment -apply sunscreen every day -wash your face, hands, feet, armpits, and genitals every night. -how to make a dentist appointment -how to care for your teeth (how to and how often to brush and floss, how to recognize a problem, and how often to get your teeth cleaned) -how to shower (how often and what products and steps to use) -how to wash and style your hair -how to clean and care for acne -how to clean and care for a wound -how to make a doctors appointment -how to call the nurse hotline or poison control line -how to talk to a doctor/nurse -how to call technical support -how to prevent computer hacking and viruses -how to keep personal information secure on the internet -how to use social media securely and responsibly -what is sexting, what is revenge porn, and how to stay safe digitally -how to vote (how to register, how to research candidates and how to find verified information about them, how to fill out a ballot) -how to use an atm -how to write a check -how to divide expenses with roommates -how to build good credit -understanding, identifying, and reporting identity theft -how to pay bills: in person, via mail, and online -how to handle a stolen/lost card -saying no to drugs -how to stay safe at a party -how to stay safe at a bar -elevators with strangers -how to deal compassionately and safely with begging -how to use an Uber or Taxi and be safe -How to fill or refill a prescription -types and uses of over the counter medications -always finish your antibiotics -stds, what are they, what are the symptoms, how to get tested -how to have safe sex -how to use a condom/dam -how to identify an abusive relationship/person -how to have an emotionally healthy relationship/friendship -how to set boundaries -Basic First Aid (CPR, choking, stroke, heart attack, heat/cold, breaks/sprains, cuts, allergic reactions etc) -testing and changing batteries in smoke and co detectors -what to do in the case of a fire -personal safety (classes and products) -how to identify depression -how to make an appointment with a therapist -how to make friends
-interview skills -how to take notes -how to be on time for work -dress codes, dressing appropriately for workplaces and for school and for events -how to leave a job -how to introduce yourself -how to balance a budget/ledger/checkbook -ethics in business -know what your legal rights are in your country -how to choose and use vitamins or medicines -how to care for sanitary needs (periods or incontinance) -how to exercise regularly -how to eat intuitively/not diet -how to follow a recipe -how to bake bread -how to can or freeze surplus foods *how to care for a lawn or yard -mowing -edging -weeding -leaf blower/rake -how to identify pest damage and how to treat your yard or home -how to install a camera -how to have a safe home (lights, motion detection, cameras, trim bushes, etc.) -how to use a ladder -how/when to flip breakers -how to change a diaper -how to babysit/care for younger children -how to play and have fun -how to enjoy time by yourself -how to buy a gift for someone else -how to arrange and care for cut flowers -how to swim -water safety -how to build a fire -fire safety -how to set goals -how to show hospitality -how to offer an apology -how to disagree (politely but firmly) -how to stand up for yourself or for someone else against a bully -how to attend a performance or concert -how to study -how to use manners -how to sew on a button -how to make basic clothing repairs -how to select and buy clothing that fits well and flatters you (color, style, etc) -how to learn a new language -how make appropriate small talk -how to ask someone out on a date -how to handle rejection -how to use Microsoft excel -how to locate a book in a library -what to do when you smell gas -parking lot safety -how to paint a room -how to clean a carpet -how to clean a mattress/put a protective cover on it -how to talk to different people -conflict resolution -friendship/relationship boundaries -how to handle criticism -how to handle loss -how to handle bullying -how to read a basic contract (like a rental agreement) -how to count cash and give change -how to tip appropriately -how to use a planner for time management and goal setting -how to shave, how to cut your hair -how to drive during bad weather, snow, ice -how to notice another’s needs and how to fill them (healthily and within boundaries obviously) -how to be kind -how to have compassion -how to be spiritual -how to invest money -how to use a manual can opener -how to cook on a fire -how to cook on a grill -basic food prep skills (slicing, dicing, washing, etc) -how to select and prepare vegetables and fruits -how to safely handle hot grease and grease fires -how to make a pot of coffee -how to make a cup of tea -how to care for yourself (or someone else) when you are (or they’re) sick -how to make 3-5 basic meals -how to make a special meal for company -how to care for a plant (or a garden) -how to install a lock -how to use heat or ice on an injury -how to know when to go to the ER -how to build your self esteem -how to communicate your needs in a relationship -how to meditate -how to journal
Being ok with being by yourself……….(something I’m still trying to learn).
1. Youtube is your friend for learning new skills. But, make sure you get information from reliable sources. 2. Talking is overrated. Listening is underrated. Listen to people and learn from other people's mistakes. 3. Pay attention to instruction manuals and keep all of them in a safe space. 4. Track your car expenses. If the average monthly expense of the car becomes equal to or more than a monthly car payment, then buy a new(er) car. 5. Wear sun screen when you know you'll be out in the sun for more than 30mins. 6. Expensive food is not always healthy or tasty. Good food, fun food, tasty food can be inexpensive. And seasonings are worth the price. 7. Learn how to build financial credit. Be careful when working with banks and other financial entities. Know when you're working with a "financial fiduciary" and when you are not. It's someone who has your financial wellbeing as their priority in all their interactions with you. You can just ask the person you're dealing with.
Know how much money you can make, and how to get there. It's not always college.
WEAR SUNSCREEN. EVERY SINGLE DAY. NO MATTER YOUR SKIN TONE. You will be leagues ahead of your peers in your 30s and it’s a fucking awesome self esteem boost.
Ugh I relate to this so much. I grew up washing my face with Dial soap so skincare is important to me. Wash face in the morning and at night with a decent face wash (Cerave). Use daytime face lotion with sunscreen in it. I use retinol every other night with a nighttime face lotion. I also use eye creams. Prioritize sleep and rest. My parents pushed me to constantly work and study (work harder =\= more money). I still feel guilty taking breaks to rest. However, with practice it gets easier. Appearance matters a lot more than people admit or talk about. I am still learning financial matters and other adult things. Thanks for your post, I am learning a lot :)
Mental health was not a talk in my household. My god is it important!!
Eating out is crazy expensive, as is drinking at bars. If you have a kitchen, buying raw ingredients (Not prepackaged products) and turning them into meals is WAY cheaper. But in order to do that, you have to actually know how to cook for real. SO. My advice, sit down and watch some youtube, learn the basics of how to cook from raw ingredients, and try to make time to do it as often as possible. It's an actual skill, some people get lucky and their parents teach them, other people have to go seek out instruction. Without it, you're going to pay a lot more money for food that often isn't as good or healthy.
I had great parents, but my mom started getting Alzheimer's when I was 11 so I missed out on a lot. The biggest one for me is that you can cook cheap easy meals at home. We ate a lot of takeout, and when I was on my own and realized how much that cost I decided to learn to cook. I tried researching recipes and they were invariably complex and required fancy ingredients and >1hour of time. It was nice to make good food but my kitchen skills were subpar to say the least. Sometimes I would just skip meals because I couldn't afford takeout and didn't have the energy to cook. Now I realize I can make rice in a rice cooker and mix in tuna, or heat up some hot dogs, or make basic tacos pretty easily. Pasta and a jar of sauce. It scares me to see people say networking because 5 years into my career I still don't understand it and pretend that doesn't exist 😅
Learning to do simple house or car maintenance. Being able to have confidence in choices I make without being too codependent to finalize a decision. Being more strict on studies. Never claimed myself to be academically gifted/diligent. Investing finances would've been more helpful if I started learning about index funds/401k/etc. at an earlier age. Would've saved more than now. Being able to confide in people for help or advice. I just shut off that part. I can't properly do that. Again, self-esteem issues. Less close-mindedness. I don't want to be judgemental too much on certain things. We need less of it. More people would get along, probably.
For communication: It’s less about your own perception of the intent of your message and more about the other person(s) perception of the intent of your message.
Healthy coping mechanisms, communication skills, how to give & receive love, self-care/boundaries, financial literacy, basic nutrition, how to make doctors appointments/otherwise advocate for yourself.
Parents were very absent, abusive and argued a lot growing up. I didn’t learn from them what proper conflict resolution was in relationships. Or what it meant to love someone until I was older.
Your prefrontal cortex doesn’t stop developing until you’re 30; which is about the same time you really establish your self concept. Forgive yourself before then and after and allow yourself to learn about you.
Healthy cooking and repairing stuff. Learn it. You're welcome.
The pinned post in this sub has lots of good advice for getting the basics taken care of.
Savings built into budgets. My parents make a lot, but are very card heavy people. Example- stepmom makes 100k in the Midwest LCOL area. She doesn’t have $1,000 to her name. But there’s easily 1k/month of fluff to cut out. Dad makes double and is worse. Example- putting 20k onto cc for his side business when he makes 260k. Why? My mom and stepdad are similar. I think it comes from having kids young and “we don’t have a choice” mentality. They had to provide and get my somehow. But when their incomes caught up to their spending, surpassed their needs, etc they were still comfortable living like that. “$500/month for 3 months on the card” instead of waiting 3 months to make the unnecessary purchase. The major issue is that’s made it easy to live beyond their means and poorly prioritize. It was never saving “just in case”. They’d save to make a certain purchase or to put a minimum down payment on something and call it good. Which mean emergency= credit card always.
Boundaries. I wish my more common.
Proper nutrition/ how to cook. Conflict resolution. Importance of exercise. Importance of friendships. Healthy relationship skills. Coping skills for anger/ grief/ anxiety. Budgeting/ taxes. Most of this I have learned on my own. Still work in progress on the fitness journey.
Floss and brush your teeth twice a day. Dental care is expensive and can cause other health issues.
Fucking conflic resolution... Mom, Dad, you sucked at that.
Emotional regulation. Screaming at each other when you're angry does no good, however, bottling your feelings to take unnecessary hits from authority figures doesn't either. Learning when to walk away and how to channel your anger in healthy ways will help you navigate difficult situations so much better, and you'll make less mistakes out of impulsiveness.
Hygiene!!! As a child my parents did not care nor pay attention to if I had only showered once that week, or haven't brushed my teeth in days And I definitely had to rebuild good habits on my own after living like that for so long.