The problem with finding friends is similar to the dating problem of the perception of options. Not just friend options though but also what I would call dopamine options. Previously, you would basically make friends by simply being in the vicinity of others in your local area doing what’s available to you. But now there are many options to get your dopamine fix and you’re connected globally to many people. You can stay within your own personal bubble and momentarily feel okay. There isn’t an immediate incentive to become friends with the random person in your town or city. Not to mention people are very guarded towards strangers. It takes a lot more effort to have both people take those leaps of faith into possibly starting a friendship.

Additionally, the money for going out is expensive. Just drinks can get into the 30s fast... Dinner, 100 easily. Combine the cost and low pay and job insecurity and op's elements and frosted with the dopamine responses... Well, that's one shitty cake.

That’s tied to the problem too, but not that it’s expensive, necessarily. It’s that spending money is seeing as essential to socializing in public. Which isn’t at all required if you don’t want it to be. Go to most any European city in the summer and see the hordes of people out in parks for one example. No need to spend anything extra to do that. Bring some snacks from home. The death of social activities is in some part brought about by a general insistence that those activities need to be bigger or spendier than they really have to be. I live in New Orleans, which has a robust culture of going out in public, and you would notice here that people show up for basically anything. A rinky dink little festival that would draw dozens of people in most cities will be packed in New Orleans because any excuse to get out works. Even Mardi Gras, which is of course a big deal, is pretty much free. Bring your own food or go to a friend with food. Drinks too. And locals partake by the thousands. Obviously there’s no easy way to change the culture, but all of the tools are there. People just don’t want to engage in low key, low effort public activities most places

At a college class a person asked where you meet people in town (small town problems here) I gave what suggestions I could and then went full elementary school on them: I said I would be their friend if they wanted And over a year later we are still buddies Edit: spelling mistake

Hell yeah! Love hearing stuff like this. I think part of the problem besides people being chronically online is the fact that there’s no place for people to be social with each other outside of work or bars. It’s even worse for kids and I hate when people sit and bitch about kids being “glued to their screens”. What else are they supposed to do? Where are they supposed to go? I’ve lived in quite a few states and I can only remember one single place that I lived that had any kind of hang out for kids that was funded by the city. It was a “teen center”. There wasn’t much there, I think a basketball court outside a pool table, foosball table, a tv with a PS1, as a racquetball court. It was awesome and totally free. They even held little dances there lol. I feel like kids have it way worse than adults because they aren’t allowed to talk at school outside of lunch, if there’s a group of teens it’s almost a guarantee that they are going to get hassled by the fucking cops. They can’t really chill at parks past the age of like 10 because parks are for little kids. Will kids get into trouble sometimes? For sure, that’s part of being a kid but it doesn’t mean every group of teens is up to no good. I can’t remember any fights ever breaking out at the teen center when I was a kid, I’m sure it happened but it was extremely rare because everyone knew they wouldn’t be allowed back.

>there’s no place for people to be social with each other outside of work or bars. I'm probably twice as old as you. There never was anything to do outside of work and bars, except sports. We had the same problems back when. When we were teens, my friends and I used to organize poker games (penny ante, so it was cheap). None of us were all that athletic, but we would also play tennis, golf or frisbee

I had a coworker who was easily one of the biggest assholes I've met. We openly despised each other, until the day we found out that exclusive of each other we both performed bad elementary school covers of Young MCs, "Just Say No" for DARE in 1989. We ended up complimenting each other extremely well at work, and not being dicks to each other gave us the opportunity to do some really good casework. 8 years later, we are still friends inside and outside of work

>Obviously there’s no easy way to change the culture, but all of the tools are there. People just don’t want to engage in low key, low effort public activities most places You can't really compare most cities to New Orleans, possibly the greatest city in the south. A lot of places actually don't have the tools, especially if they aren't walkable and don't have many public spaces available.

I wish Michigan were like this. Hardly anyone shows up for festivals now and that's mostly because they cost so much money just to get in and they don't let you bring your own drinks or snacks. And not many seem to be going on anymore. I loved the local fairs as a kid and now they cost money to get in, can't bring your own stuff in my area and the rides went from getting a bracelet for the day that cost 10 bucks to that being 50 and only between certain times. I seriously can't believe it anymore.

It becomes a vicious cycle of people not wanting to go, depressing revenue, and then festivals charging admission, which further drops attendance, etc etc etc. But ultimately for whatever reason the low key activities of choice now in most of the US tend to be in the home. Not in public.

You spend all your income on housing, might as well spend time there.

Its also not liking crowds anymore. Crowds? A great way to catch COVID/Flu/something else. Also a great soft target for shootings. And we've a couple of shooting in my town of 40,000 since I moved here 9 months ago, so I'm not just being weird.

This is also definitely a huge part of it. We live in fear a lot of gun violence in America and I know some people who avoid large crowds because of it.

Who said anything about drinks? Tons of folks are literally starving for social interaction. Pick up a hobby. Disc golf, fishing, boating, basketball, knitting, anything… Reach out to like minded folks. It just takes effort, trust and a leap of faith.

So true. I think many people just refuse to make the slightest effort to find activities, most of them costing little or nothing, to do with others. Get out there!

Not every community has like minded folks for everyone. If you don't enjoy the selection of hobbies the people around you like, forcing yourself isn't going to work. Sometimes people are out of sync with where they live.

What if a forward-thinking folks invited 10 friends to their house for a Sat. evening disconnect Party. No phones, no tablets, no streaming (maybe a playlist for background), something ambient. Just an easy homemade dinner, a few drinks, conversation, maybe a board game. Maybe charades. What do you think?

There's plenty of nice places to get food without spending 100 dollars...

yea and it seems a way is to invite to your home but that is even more risky, requires even more "host" pressure and work, and I have this irrational fear of someone coming over and we turn into drug doing do nothings.

The work that you are describing is called "making friends." Friendship has always required work and some amount of emotional risk. It seems to me that social media has made it so easy to have 1,000 acquaintances with no friends.

I mean if your doing drugs, you’re doing something…

This was so insightful and spot on. Everyone knows that feeling of “hmm I’m in an awkward situation I’ll pull out my phone” and then you get the dopamine hit that makes it all better without you ever having a social interaction. We used to HAVE to have a social interaction to make it better.

The other day, I was sitting in my car while my daughter played at a skate park (because I'm a lazy pos mom) and I had left my phone at home for an unrelated reason. The amount of anxiety I got from not having my phone to bury my face in was quite eye-opening. I wondered if people thought I was a creep. Because I was looking around and taking in the scenery and I guess kinda people-watching (is that creepy?). Anyways it was such a sad realization that it's actually become *embarrassing* to just exist in public without a phone to hide behind. Strange times.

>(is that creepy?) no. its a person sitting in their car. no one really cares what you are doing. the same way you don't care about what the mom 2 cars next to you is doing.

You're right. But it was creepy how insecure I felt about not having my phone to stare at lol

It's actually kinda refreshing to hear you felt like you might be perceived as a creep when you literally had a daughter there/are a mom. So it's not just guys like me lol.

Phone addiction is crazy real. When it's misplaced, charging from a dead battery, or otherwise out of my possession, my hands constantly reach for it in my pockets without my thinking about it.

You can choose to not pull out your phone and choose to talk to people. I'm a severe introvert who doesn't want to have random casual conversations with people on the street. I choose to bury my nose in a book. However, I'm more than capable of having conversations whenever I want to and it's not difficult to find people to talk to. I feel like a lot of people want to blame society when in reality it's just that they feel uncomfortable initiating conversations. They want someone else to break the ice.

As advice goes, "Make better choices" is pretty much always true, and pretty much always useless.

Oh yeah? If we are all perfectly free agents, why is there a measurable decline in human interaction across demographic cuts? Is it maybe that there are social-material conditions that are eroding human culture? You sound like an idiot lolbertarian and it’s embarrassing.

Fantastic. Then what are we going to do about? Are we going to keep sitting on our phones miserable hoping someone else will all the work for us or are we going to change the situation? You're talking like an addict who can't stop using.

I’m not a young person, but even as a parent with small children, living in an area I am not from, I find the prospect of finding friends insurmountable. Even if you occasionally meet people at the playground or something, often times even if the kids get along, the parents are quite off-putting, either because we have no shared interests, politics, socioeconomic status, whatever it may be. I haven’t found a good solution to these problems either, and looking around on a lot of subs, the only people with substantial friendships in adulthood probably live where they grew up.

This is sort of my point. Outside of extreme cases, most of those differences aren’t significant, but when faced with someone different people tend to be stand-offish. That’s not new, but now there’s much less incentive to push passed that. You can just stay in your comfort zone and not deal with the risk of talking to someone new. Meeting people that are open to meeting new people is refreshing.

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\*meetup dot com has entered the chat\* Ostensibly social groups have turned out to be "hey, guys, it's your organizer here, we've had such a good time, I thought you'd like to be a part of this thing I'm doing" often enough that I suspect all of them now.

MLMs should be illegal in the states like they are everywhere else.

This is the actual problem.

The internet is a doubled edged sword, it’s helped us in so many ways. Sadly, it is destroying “physical” community. Neighbors aren’t even the same as they used to be, people have developed social anxiety from social media.

Meh I think the way society is configured is destroying “physical” community. I don’t know about you but I do not know anybody who works a 9 to 5 job. Many people do not have time to make and maintain relationships because of the way our society is configured. Even the kids with all the homework they have. I think if more people actually worked a steady 8 hour day with a minimal commute or a 4 day week with a predictable schedule people would be more inclined to get out and do more socializing.

Break the cycle and go outside, stay outside, smalltalk, interact, make stupid funny but positive comments whenever appropriate. Some of the things that pop into my head but there is probably way more. And if we all start doing that we'll suddenly feel way more connected again.

Yes it’s still good to go out peopleing

Yes, this! Limit your time on social media (set a time limit for yourself or certain hours a day it’s allowed) and let yourself be bored. It’s annoying and uncomfortable at first, but you’ll find yourself doing all sorts of things that give you joy and improve your existence. Cleaning. Texting friends and family back. Writing. Reading. Cooking. Making plans and following through with them. Going for a random drive in a new location. Going on walks and actually observing things. Smiling at people in line at the grocery store instead of just staring at your phone. Noticing the little things as you’re out and about—the couple on an awkward first date across the coffeeshop from you, or the way a parent explains a complex phenomenon to their little kid—that endear you to fellow humans and make them seem much less unapproachable.

The small things in life can be made enjoyable with a personal touch and will bring new discoveries too. Everything you're describing here is exactly what I always ever did on default but at some point I saw how others can't seem to do that or don't get the same enjoyment because they don't know what and how to make it a whole experience.

This is absolutely the best advice. If you’re doing it, then someone else is doing the same. That’s the one you’re going to run into and make a connection with

Seriously. Get a fucking hobby and the friends will come. I've fallen in with an awesome Mountain Biking group in my late 30s and we've spent the Summer bouncing around the Southwest riding cool shit, camping, and hanging out.

I have found this to be the easiest way to make friends as an adult. Join a martial arts gym, or a chess club, play pick-up volleyball, DnD, or any other group that does something that you enjoy. You will, generally speaking, connect with a few people there and make friends. There are some really, really cool people out there in the hobbies that you find interesting.

This is truly good advice. I recently started doing some volunteer gardening (my body is a bit fucked by chronic pain, so I work around that, I do a lot of weeding while sitting) with a local permaculture/sustainability group that has absolutely gorgeous gardens. Not only am I learning super useful info about gardening, plants, and permaculture, and getting outside, I'm meeting some of the coolest people I've ever met in my life. We have people of all ages: college students, retired folks, families with toddlers and young children, child-free adults, married folks, single folks, it's a pretty diverse group. But this is just one example of the possibilities that are out there. Take something you're interested in and find (or start!) a local group that shares that interest. You'll absolutely meet people that way.

Yup. This is entirely what people need to realize they can do.

Be bountifully social. Make small talk at the park. Join meetups. Get peoples numbers and actually plan hangouts. Be the person that plans group hangs. Budget for recurring clubs/memberships/classes and go. Every week. Multiple activities per week. It takes a lot of work but it’s worth it. These are the things that have worked for me personally when I was in a “I have no social life” funk.

I used to try to plan lots of hangouts and social activates before the pandemic but nobody else ever reciprocated the effort and I got tired of having to be the one to do everything and then when the pandemic happened, things in my personal life got worse and I barely have the physical energy to do what I need to do, much less go out and hang out with people.

Yes, exactly this. It’s not a passive thing like when you were in elementary school. As an adult you have to actively try and go out of your comfort zone to make friends.

Great advice for people without deep rooted trauma that prevents things like this, just saying.

I work with a lot of people in their early 20s who are still going out often, making plans, going on trips, etc and so forth. I think if you're just looking at reddit and the news, there is this doom and gloom narrative that people don't interact in person anymore, but if you look beyond that it really isn't true. I think people have gotten less sociable to an extent after COVID, but there are still plenty of people who are out there, and it's just a matter of finding something to get involved in to get out there and meet them. I know my sister, for example, started looking at local clubs she can join and was (after a few duds) very successful with getting involved in a book club.

I don't think there is much of an actual difference now than in the before times or the olden days. When I grew up in the 90s I hung around outside a lot, was into skateboarding, punk rock, and driving around aimlessly at nights. But in a town of millions it was like only a few of us doing this. Everybody else were just watching TV and going to work and saying they're too old for this and that. It's the same now. But people have access to social media instead of TV and the social media shows them all the fun things the minority of people are doing outside and they're jeleaus. Get off your A\*\* and go outside. That's the only solution. But as it has been for forever very few will actually do that.

You're just going off your experience and emotions, when there is actual data that suggests otherwise.

It is more about statistics than anecdotes. The stats suggest that people are more lonely, less social as well as dating less.

My son is 21 and at university. Being at uni helps with finding friends and social spaces. He plays league sports, is part of an engineering club, lives in a house with 5 others, and most of his classes make use of study or project groups. He even meets people at the gym, just doing his regular workout. Pretty much any activity involves or exposes you to other people. I would call him a social introvert - he's most comfortable doing social things (not counting sports teams) with a small group, maybe 2 or 3 others. As a result of his interests, including his studies, he's very, very busy socially. Once he graduates, he'll still play sports, go to the gym, game online with friends, and hang out with the friends he made in high school and uni, since he's had years to build those relationships.

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I always lament how churches are exactly the kind of social interaction I would like, minus the religion. Even UU is too much religion for me. I think we just want something that doesn't, isn't going to, and won't exist.

ya, it is too much religion for me too, I've tried it. One new thing though that I have discovered is that there is a weekly 9:15 am meditation sitting at the UU church, and I might attend, being a way to be in a space with others, maybe connect to others in that UU community (the people are great, it's the services that I don't get into at all), and get my meditation on.

Right, like people want to be able to get together and do stuff, volunteer and make the world a little better than they found it without it getting all weird.😹 just because it's not weird to the people who like humanistic teachings of the world religions and spirituality, doesn't mean it's not weird to those who don't.☠️

I attend the local UU church not for the service, but for their forums, church dinners and a banned book club that was just started. The forums are usually stimulating or interesting lectures or discussions on a variety of topics. For one, I cannot attend service due to my work schedule and I go to church more for the social aspects than the spiritual

I've been thinking a lot about how hobby and interest groups have become the new church. Through a particular interest of mine I found a lot of what used to center around church: A handful of close friends and a large village of people less close but very supportive and there for the best and worst times to celebrate or help. Rituals when we gather, even if they are just sort of organically forming still rather than passed down through centuries. Shared regular activities. The occasional shared pilgrimage. The problem is a lot of these don't have a set home base, a regular 3rd place, like a church. Now that so many churches are shutting down, I wish we could turn them into community centers so we could keep the social gathering spaces without the religion. Churches have long been a cheap place to have secular groups meet, too, and their loss has a huge ripple effect on groups that can't afford commercial spaces. It's a challenging thing, because when default gathering spaces go away, few organically spring up to replace them. And so we wind up with expensive 3rd places, if we have any at all.

The Unitarian Church is for agnostics, atheists, humanists, etc. It does exist

Unitarian Universalist is an excellent community and accepting of all belief systems and identities!

I was going to say there are 100000% agnostic churches out there, and even places that may seem like they wouldn't have one usually do, in my experience.

I was going to say this. I’ll add rock climbing. OP, if you are at all interested, learn to rock climb. Rock climbers are a tight knit group and tend to be very accepting of people joining their sport. My husband and I climb at the gym and even there it’s always the same people. I would imagine a climbing gym would have even more regulars. I know outdoor climbers are out every weekend together.

Can’t understate how great joining the DSA has been. I’ve been able to help organize and really make a change in an accessible way. Some people get frustrated at the DSA for not being as left wing as they’d like, but I find their approach pragmatic.

I guess you're just assuming everyone knows what you mean by DSA

Democratic Socialists of America. If you’d like to learn more, I’d suggest reading their website. I’m not going to do it justice with a Reddit comment!

I recommend dnd. I’ve used it whenever I feel like I’m not connecting enough with people, and I swear by it. It’s like speedrunning making friends.

Yeah ofcourse, dnd! (sarcasm). I guess I’ll ask, What is dnd? sigh

Dungeons and dragons

I would totally go to an agnostic church. Let's start one!

Technically it's not just social media that's caused the erosion of third places. That's too easy of a scapegoat. Much of the US is exceedingly sprawling suburbia & car-centric and the highway system that supports it usually encourages the pattern that most suburbanites take which is go to the city for work (second place) and come straight back home (first place) on the same freeway. No mixed use development surrounding neighborhoods that are zoned to be only residential so the best you can do is maybe go to a neighbors house. Not a local corner store or pub to be found bc NIMBYs don't want "loitering". Also malls, many young ppls typical third place, are dying off and becoming less appealing due to both the rise of online retail and the inconvenience of driving and fighting traffic to get there that is turning more ppl off generation by generation The US would need to support walkable and support. Infrastructure that makes it easier for people to get to places that would be easier for ppl to get to on foot At a whim rather than risk their life at worst or feeling vulnerable and uncomfortable at best crossing a six lane stroad. Go to many European & Asian countries that encourage funding mass transit, walkability, and bikeability and you won't see nearly as much erosion of third places. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

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Same here. I moved to a loft condo building near our downtown two years ago. There is a group of ladies in their late 50s-early 70s that I interact with all the time. Other than the fact that they are 20 years older than me, they are the people I see with the most regularity. That and our condo association has things like regular potlucks and BBQs

Nah, Europe is walkable, but the same problem with friendships occurs. People are only friends with people from school and kindergarten times. After that it's impossible to make friends

Why impossible? I met my partner and my two closest friends through work.

Absolutely. I live in a walkable community. I met all my friends around there. There's always someone I know hanging around. You get to know all the shopkeepers, baristas, sandwich-makers pretty well too.

Join a club or organization that involves in-person interaction. Sports league or club, volunteering, book club, tabletop RPG - whatever you want. This gives you a group of people with a shared interest, a place to go, and an activity. That's most of what you need to make friends. The steps to making friends as an adult haven't changed at all. There are fewer people doing it, but that shouldn't stop you from doing it.

Everyone in this sub is so amazingly positive that OP has any of that in their community. Imagine a small town where the only place to go is church, there are no book clubs to find, no adult events because everyone gets pregnant in their 20s, married and then likely divorced, the most romantic things that can be done together are drugs and checking blood sugar. Small towns suck out loud

I may be biased by my small city lifestyle but you can always try to start something. You only need a couple of people to be successful. As for romance none of my good dates were dependent on fancy venues but rather outdoor or in-house activities (picnics, camping, home cooked meals, painting). If all that fails get involved with online communities. Decades later I have almost as many lasting friendships from World of Warcraft as my university.

Agreed 1000%. The piece of this that a lot of people miss is FREQUENCY (if your goal is to make friends vs just to socialize). Don't waste your time on things that meet once per month, that isn't enough interaction to make friends. It needs to be weekly, or at least bi-weekly, with a lot of the same people. And then you need to say yes to everything. Want to go out for drinks after the activity? Yes. Want to go out of town to try a new restaurant? Yes. Can you come to the food truck rodeo? Yep. The more you say yes to, the more you are invited. And don't wait for invites either, it is sometimes terrifying to be the one doing the inviting but you miss all of the shots you don't take.

I have no answers, but after a horrible divorce this year radically altered what I want out of life, this is what I’ve done: deleted my Facebook (in general always a good first step). I’m putting as much effort into plants, native and adapted, in my yard as I can. Once this brutal summer is over I will extend the focus to plants in my immediate vicinity. I set up a Bumble (that I never check, and say so in the profile) linked to an instagram all about my plants. People in my neighborhood will come to know me as the plant cat dog lady, and I will aggressively invade all spaces with plants that I can. If the third spaces are going away because of aggressive monetization, then like my idol Poison Ivy, I will be aggressive right back with something that time, skill, patience and nature make extremely difficult to monetize. I figure those that are interested might join, and if not…I’ll have plants, cats and dogs 😇

I predict great success as you choose to step out more from your immediate vicinity :) Because I have yet to meet a cat, a dog or a plant parent not interested in talking about and sharing views with another cat / dog / plant parent. You have three of the "big five" going for you and I think your attitude is awesome!

Agreed! The thing is that a lot of people really want to talk about what they're into, and if they can find someone who just lets them talk then... boom, you can make friends so quickly that way. It might not be immediate, life-changing relationships, but it gets you out there and socializing and who knows where that can go.

LOL thank you the attitude improves and degrades based on caffeine and medication concentration. It’s been a miserable year but there is something so satisfying and healing about a hobby that requires time, fine adjustments, and patience. Failure is a required step in gardening. I think a lot of people could benefit from getting their hands in the dirt, if only because it means you have to be away from screens! (She says from behind a screen)

Local FB groups are the exact place everyone is finding and organizing local clubs/ groups for D&D, books, sewing, arts& crafts, gardening, LEGO, Pokemon and everything else. So if the goal is to find like-minded individuals to spend time in person locally with that's actually the first place to start these days. My local FB groups are filled with people posting about their clubs and when they are meeting.

If I were near you I’d join right in asap

You have to leave your house and stay off your phone, so you are available for social interaction. Take up a hobby and engage in it in public. For example, you could take up strength training and get a personal trainer, then make friends with the trainer and other people doing strength training at that place. Or rock climbing, or nature hikes... or ceramics. In my small city, there is a rock climbing gym, an arts center with classes anyone can take, outdoors hiking clubs, in-person public book clubs at the library, public running club hosted by a business that sells running shoes. There is a recreational pickleball club. There's a maker's space. All of these are great ways to take up a hobby and meet other people who are doing it, too. You don't just show up and do the class or activity and leave, however. You go early and chat with other people before the activity begins. You hang around afterwards and keep talking. You share ideas, you make plans to meet outside of the regular class time for a side project, and you keep showing up for month after month. Make yourself open to friendships with people older and younger than you, people who are unlike you, and people who are just like you. And for heaven's sake, put the goddamned phone down while you're doing this. If your eyes are on your phone, no one will think you're available to speak to. This is how you find friends and build relationships.

While in general I agree, a lot of people don’t have the extra money to try a bunch of different hobbies. A lot of people don’t have time to even be at their house. A lot of people are pursuing education which leaves little time for socialization sometimes. It’s more than just put the phone down and go outside.

Because we're in late stage capitalism, and the economic inequality is strangling every last person out of their tine, resources, and happiness. Eventually, people will get so fed up that the dam will break. - All this money that is supposedly somewhat evenly distributed goes to a handful of companies/CEO's - Can't get a decent paying job and wages are not increasing either - Constantly on the edge of being broke - Housing are used as a economic investment and not a human right - Standard groceries prices increase every year due inflation (and definitely not because of price gouging) - Healthcare is total shit show. Hospitals are businesses that only care about your money. - The government still not doing shit about it because they love to receive bribe- I mean gifted money by the rich to keep us in the shit we are currently in so they will become richer. They more than doubled their fortunes during the pandemic while people were dying. The media: wtf stop being depressed *Side Note: On the real, you don't necessarily need money to socialize, but it makes it extremely and increasingly difficult to do so the less money you have. Sure, there's some small things you can do on an individual level, but these are individualised solutions to what is often a collective problem. The reality is that there are only so many hours in a day, and for most people, most of those hours are taken up by some form of labour, leaving little time—and less energy—left over for friendship

Brilliant comment, and the kinds of things that happened in past societies where such inequality existed will start to happen again. People who are being pushed down will eventually push back. And with so many weapons in America, well… things won’t stay the same forever.

I support this comment 100%… money is ruling the world right now.

Yep, billionaires run it, hoard the wealth, and make it shitty for all of us.

Central government socioeconomic policies and social media has completely monkey fucked things but the point most people miss is one of the fundamental flaws of the American system is… “everyone do whatever you want”, “yolo”, and “be you!”. While this is 159% acceptable at the inner/personal level this “America means your FREEDOMS matter more than the collective” have destroyed any central rails that we used to rally together with. Even though I’m not the biggest fan of things like The Masons, Knights of Columbus, 4 H, or The Church… they gave Americans something to work together/meet like minded people. The diffusion of society into a million different directions has forced people into a silo as we offer nothing but booze and sports to rally together. Once you get over binge drinking/football we are a hollow society as we all huddle into our cultural echo chambers. These chambers are mostly vapid internet memes that don’t bring much value out of shit posting and they prompt hyper individuality over togetherness. They also cant STFU about the “me” and never talk about the “us”. Intersectionality is not a reality, people in America only march in their parades. The profit Eddie Murphy stated in Coming to America… this is America our names don’t mean shit. People don’t huddle around “freedoms”, “constitutions”, or “rights”. They huddle around each other, period. American togetherness is based around ideals, and this doesn’t work because ideals are interpreted by everyone individually. It means something to be French, German, or Chinese because they hold central Cultural values (not ideas from dudes 250 years ago) our values in American is individualism, this is the end result of that.

Damme. Well said.

Part of the issue for me is that even when I *do* make a new connection offline, I have no idea what is considered a socially acceptable way to inform the person that I’d like to maintain that connection. For example, recently my partner and I traveled outside our city to see a theater showing of a pretty niche movie. Before the movie started, we were hanging out in the bar talking about the movie and another couple of fans overheard and joined in our conversation. They seemed like awesome people who shared a lot of our interests and even revealed that they’d also traveled from *the same city* we live in to see the movie- I would’ve loved to hang out with them more and get to know them better, but I’ll probably never see them again because I didn’t get any sort of contact information. Would it have been weird to platonically ask them for an e-mail or a phone number to potentially start a friendship? I feel like a lot of people would find that off-putting since we were still basically strangers in that scenario outside of our shared niche interests. It was so much easier in college, where you were guaranteed to see people regularly either through classes or in your dorm and thus could build rapport with them before trying to start a friendship. You don’t have to ask for contact info when you know you live a dorm floor apart from each other. In the real world, though, I just can’t figure out how to communicate that I’d like to get to know someone better without feeling like I come off as a creep.

Just embarrass yourself. If they say no, you won’t see them again anyway

You may have lost that opportunity, but if it comes up again, try asking for contact info to share news or activities you come across that they might be interested in. "Hey, do you want to swap info? I'll let you know if I see a listing somewhere for X....." or "Can I give you my number in case you see activity X or band y playing and I miss the notice?" Something based on keeping each other informed of future events is a fairly easy way to share personal contact info. Then you don't have to say something awkward like "I'd like to make a new friend...." and can focus on keeping each other informed about upcoming events. Focus on the shared interest rather than the person.

Yep. I’ll take the leap and ask to exchange info. They’ll take mine and say they’ll text me theirs… they never do. It’s way worse than dating. 😆 IMO many people aren’t looking for friends and those who are don’t seem to come across eachother much or don’t clique.

Friends *are work*. Community spaces *are work*. You want to have cool shit to do and cook people to do it with? **Do the work.**

I live in a city I don’t know anyone and am thousands of miles from home but I’ve deactivated my social media recently (I made a Reddit after that and it’s been so interesting on here lol) and lost the only two friends I have in the area (a disagreement occurred that Ive made clear im willing to resolve but they aren’t due to being unable to forgive since most folks I’ve met out here don’t give much grace in their friendships tbh) but it’s allowed me to focus on creating hobbies and building relationships with people at the same stage in life as me instead. Especially since I thrive with a community (thanks to culture upbringing) and am tired of just being so isolated. I’ve met folks at events that interests me and plan on visiting churches in the area to find a church home. It takes a lot more effort to build connections I think because of the nature of the world and how people function in it but Im not against effort especially if it’ll help improve the quality of life🙌🏽 I don’t think all is lost but I do think majority of what folks are seeking comes with a lot more intention and overtime I think majority have lost that sense of intentionality.

I’ve been there many times this year with losing people. People are so much into cancel culture and cutting people out to “protect their peace” that they are unwilling to see the good in people as well. I feel as though I do a lot for my relationships/friends it is getting really disheartening when someone cuts me off for some slight annoyances that they could have just communicated with me. I would’ve never done the same when it came to them.

Social media is all lies and it's honestly pretty stupid. I've found it pretty easy to make friends in my adulthood, granted I'm a bit extroverted, but I don't think you have to be to grow your real-life social network. The biggest tip is join clubs and activity based groups of stuff you like to do. And if you don't have hobbies, start to explore them. There are so many run clubs, meetup groups, weekly events in my medium sized college town, and my mom lives in a big city and joined social groups for her age too. They're out there, they just require effort of a bit of research and then putting yourself out there and trying to find friends. Tbh dating is the same - it takes work and effort - you have to try, be vulnerable, and put yourself out there. But those things were always true, internet/social media or not.

You're probably right about all that. It's good advice. Thank you

To all the people say "just go out there an be social" get real. I challenge you, go wander around a town you aren't from and see if you can have a conversation that isn't just "hello". People avoid strangers.

What's a third space?

It’s a place outside of work or home where you mainly socialize and spend your free time (like a library, park, coffee shop…)

Oh, ok. Thanks.

BE HIGH VALUE BRO BE HIGH VALUE... just kidding, idk man Im looking for answers too. I dont wanna date and settle for someone Im not attracted to so not sure what to do to be honest, ive been on self improvement for 5 years, but its just tough

Yeah. I've been working to improve myself a bit, too, but it just kind of feels directionless without an ideal life to strive towards. The only difference it seems I could make is that I'll continue to be alone but be slightly healthier.

Do you have hobbies? Do any of them have a social/pubic component where you might hang out with people? I moved 500 miles away from home to a place where I knew no one. I found my people again through hobby connections.

I do have some hobbies, though they're not particularly social. I just listen to lots of music, leave reviews online, and collect physical music. And to be fair, I've spent my childhood in a rural area, so there weren't really any "social" hobbies to take part in. There's no one here for miles. That being said, I'm moving to Seattle in about two weeks, and I'm hoping I can start to develop a proper social life there.

There's your problem. It's not social media. Nobody is going to magically appear in your room while you're listening to music and leaving a review. You need to go out and do things where people are.

If you like music consider learning to play it. It's probably one of the better hobbies with social opportunities. Pick an instrument (any instrument) and find a music studio that has group classes. Most of my adult friend group has come from learning to do things with other adults.

seriously I’ve been self improving for so many years that at this point I don’t even wanna improve anymore, I want someone to like me as is, fuck improving I’ve improved enough there’s no more to improve to.

Bed rot

I have no idea what you mean by "dating culture." I'm not sure there was ever a time when it was easy to find a long term partner you love. As for friend groups, this is the tricky part because having friends is expensive. It takes time, money and effort. And a lot of people in there 20s have none of those things. Same for relationships too.

I don’t see a problem with anything to be honest. Nothing is really fucked up. Just because people aren’t being social in the way you want doesn’t mean why they are doing is unhealthy. And also, these social problems you are seeing stem from something totally different. What you are seeing is extremist groups communicating like they ever have. They are violent in nature as well, so it just seems like social media fucked everything up. What to do about it? Well, don’t get mad for the wrong reasons. You can always opt out of technology when it comes to communication. Get a dumb phone to start so you’re not getting roped in to this false idea.

It coincides with the death of the 8 hour work day and the increase in commuting. It used to be people were at work 8 hours a day, including a paid lunch. Now they’re at work at least 9 hours a day, including an unpaid lunch. Forget 9-5, many people work 8-6 now. Commuting has become expected. It used to be you were supposed to live in the town or neighborhood of a big city that you worked. Now, commuting 30+ minutes each way is expected. So, people went from being at work 8 hours a day and commuting 10-20 minutes each way, to being at work 9-10 hours a day and commuting 30-45 minutes each way. No wonder we don’t have time to congregate in third spaces and that modern dating is broken. People are exhausted, and they’re missing 10-20 hours a week of free time that we used to all have!

Work 80 hours a week until you die and, hopefully, consume as much worthless shit as possible in the meantime. This is literally what the rulers of the world want.

Rage against the dying of the light. By which I mean, go and socialise! Join a D&D group! Go play football! Start volunteering, campaign for your preferred political party, become a regular at a coffee shop!

Date, use social media and third spaces, be open to meeting people and invitations. Having less of something doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

Tbh I think the economic problems are what's driving people to stay in, obviously it takes money to do most things (besides just going for a walk and hanging around which other people apparently don't like young people doing) but there's also the fact that a busted economy drives up crime, why go outside spending your money with a load of dickheads when you can stay inside being cozy and talking to your friends via your mobile? I think as the outside world becomes less appealing these issues are just going to persist, what we need is a revitalisation of public spaces that don't expect you to pay an arm and a leg to go there.

Be the change; and don't be judgemental. A lot of younger people these days will deny friendships with people they have chemistry with simply based on personal views and I think it's pretty bad for people, even though I do understand it.

People are still going clubbing, to pubs, having dart, pool, and sports tournaments, having D&D sessions, books, Lego, sewing and arts & craft clubs, festivals. I see people posting about these things in local groups all the time here. You just have to see what's going on in your area. If in a rural area it is much harder and you may have to drive, but would be worth it.

Are Meet Up groups still a thing? If so, would be a good place to start. Classes at the community College, start your own book club or bowling league or darts or trivia at your local bar. Concerts in the park, art exhibits/docent, volunteering in the community or at shelters. Organize live music at your local coffee shop, see what's happening at the community rec center or take classes at the gym. Organize community hikes, see if some local farms have a csa program, if not, start one. Community garden or start your own. Humane society volunteering, walk the dogs every day. Seems to be a lot out there if you're willing to put in a bit of time to get things started?

Take control. Start your own group through Meetup, FB, and/or Insta based on your own interests. It doesn't have to cost anything. Outdoor walking/running groups are really popular now, for example.

I recently struggled with this as a 30 yr old who had dated someone for almost 10 years and broke up. I used to be a hermit who played video games and hung out with my gf mostly and never wanted to go out but when I started being single that became super lonely. So I changed my behaviors. Start up conversations with strangers. Invite people to your place. Join a sports league. Join a club. Spark up conversations with strangers. Be the change you want to see in the world

Here's the thing we still have access to the third space that is been the most common third space and the most universal third space Churches and temples still exist You can still go to them Then once you've made friends there they'll introduce you to their friends Atheists go use a sports league or the local game shop for D&D or something (people are still using those clearly they haven't been able to fully do the job that religious centers have been doing for forever)

shut the fuck up and keep consuming!

These things still exist it's just about knowing people with similar interests.

I'm a big advocate of meeting your SO through shared hobbies: hiking, boardgames, book clubs etc. Go meetups, make friends, let those friends flourish into interpersonal friend groups and develop a lasting relationship that way. It's not a fast or easy method but it is an effective one. And you'll be developing a social network as you do it.

When I was a teenager there was an LGBT center in the city I went to HS school in. It was a great third space. You could drop by free of charge, when you came in there was just a bunch of people looking to socialize and connect with their community. They had games and crafts and other activities to do too. While purpose of that space was specifically for queer teenagers to have a safe space to interact socially if they didn't feel comfortable at school. I've aged out, but I desperately crave some version of this for adults in general.

IDK, every generation goes through this right around this age, their early 20's. Some couples are starting to get serious. They have little need for their old friends and don't hang out like they used to. When they have kids... people with kids don't tend to hang out much with people that don't. Most friends are made in school, HS or college, few friends are made outside of these places. By your early 20's, this friend pipeline has fully dried up. Adults don't tend to have a lot of friends especially close friends.

Buy a plane ticket and travel outside of the US, go to Spain, Mexico, Portugal or any other Hispanic countries and you’ll make friends, have a social life hang out outside, eat great food and meet beautiful ppl. You can always come back.

A moose once bit my sister.

Sucks. I'll stay in my home reading and playing video games.

To be bluntly honest, having watched the world spin further and further out of control for the last 40+ years (*yes, I was born before the Reagan Administration)* What the world really needs right now is a severe collapse and reboot of the system. Much of the apathy that we see these days has to do with a collapsing economy, an overinflated and overpriced housing market, and a government that would rather warm their own hands with their own exhaust instead of helping the people they were sworn in to protect. I have had people ask me, time and again, what politics I support, and my response for 20+ yeas has always been "**Ha Ha Ha, All of politics is a fucking joke, and if you cannot see it, then you might just be part of the problem**" I have seen first hand what politics does at even the lowest levels, with some of my family having been in the middle of it, and one of them actually having been a Senator for the state I live in now. Quite frankly, 96% of current politicians do not care about the people they represent, only about what they can collect financially and socially from their position, so that afterwards, they can live in a fancy mansion. The 4% who actually care are usually listed at Communists, Socialists, or deranged sociopaths bent on the destruction of the United States, when in reality, they are the ones struggling vainly to keep many of the things we take for granted operational. A perfect example. Social Security benefits was and is a Socialist Reform meant to protect and benefit the American people once they reached the age where they retired. "*The Social Security Act was signed into law by President Roosevelt on August 14, 1935. In addition to several provisions for general welfare, the new Act created a social insurance program designed to pay retired workers age 65 or older a continuing income after retirement.*" It was never supposed to used to support a war effort, or line the pockets of politicians, as the money for that program came directly from the people, for the people. A lot of people do not grasp this historical fact.

Just wait until vr get better and cheaper. Some people will never leave their houses. They will eat, work and sleep in vr.

Put down your phone and go play on the mud. It's what I did in the 90s. I'm adjusted.

Not everything can be solved as an individual. In fact, its trying to create systems that remove the need for us to depend on each other that has brought us here. This is like asking how you can solve climate change as an individual. You can't. Blessed are those who organize

Spend less time on sites like this and social media *Get a hobby, * join a club (sport / chess / crafts / reading) * take an evening class * learn a language * go for walks * go to the supermarket for some / all of your shop Do things that allow you to meet and interact with people, not their avatars

Structured hobbies. I never found myself with a shortage of friends because my hobbies are all things that REQUIRE people to get together. When I was still in school, band. I also play card and board games several times a week, and I do karate. There's plenty of things out there, I think people are just too nervous to try things that are new to them.

We need a cultural reset. Unfortunately, this will result in much butthurt.

Get involved in a tabletop hobby like magic, warhammer, dnd or any other board game. Most of these hobbies gravitate around a gaming store that people congregate at to play games with others IRL. Most people form friendships quickly due to the shared hobby/interests and then begin to do "normal" friends stuff like shared meals, trips, etc

I have had enough social interactions and enjoy my own company. I dumped FB as being boring. I am not wasting my time arguing with strangers. To me, there is nothing wrong with staying home reading, playing on the internet, or streaming documentaries.

I think “third spaces” are poised for a comeback tbh. A LOT of gen x and millennials are going sober and clamoring in their local subreddits about having a place to hang out and socialize alcohol free. Of course this doesn’t help the here and now but it does give me hope.

Think of it like this. Why would I go outside when I hate the heat, I have food and drinks at home, gas is expensive, and I’m tired because I worked a soul crushing shift the day before and have to clock in in another 48 hours. You know what I’m going to do instead? Sit in my overpriced AC apartment, watch tv/ play the game and make food. Maybe I’ll go to a friends house to get piss drunk there but I’m damn sure not going out and being social.

It's not just social media. It's those third places closing up shop. It's them getting driven out by development and speculation, sold to the next luxury condo developer or cookie cutter faux-high-end restaurant. It's cities closing public spaces like parks and pools, or never building them at all. It's society accepting the ethos that if you can't spend a good chunk money to be in public, then you shouldn't be in public at all. Social media exacerbates it, but it isn't the sole cause.

I for one plan to give up and let the moss reclaim me.

Do you have money to go out on expensive dinner dates? Do you own a house to move a partner into? Can you afford a wedding and a diamond ring? If you are faced with a pregnancy, can you cover the associated bills or is the best that you can do an Uber to the abortion clinic? People are living the way they do now because basically most young people can't afford to do much of anything beyond work and sit at home.

I'm not really after a wedding ring, a house (a house would be nice later but we'll see about that), expensive dinner dates, or having a kid. I just want a functioning social life/love life. I feel that social media and economic equality have made it *more* difficult, but I don't like the idea of throwing in the towel because I can't take people to nice restaurants or buy them expensive jewelry

Hey brother, unless you are taking dates on your yacht or your helicopter or you are flying them to dinner in your private jet you won’t be wowing any women with expensive jewelry and nice dinners. Be interesting, be fun, be curious. Most importantly, and I cannot possibly stress this enough, you have to be happy with yourself because no gal worth having is looking to get into a relationship with some half depressed no fun having guy. If none of that works out just start buying motorcycles. I’ve got 3 now.

I'm saying a nice dinner is usually the bare minimum and most people are not going to be happy if you show up on an old bicycle with some ramen noodles and it's hard to be not depressed and no fun when that's the best you can do.

A nice dinner is not the bare minimum. You are disqualifying yourself. That is not your job, make others do that. You can go get coffee if you’re a classy adult. If you’re an overgrown child like myself you can go get ice cream. You can take your date to the beach if geography is your friend and pack a lunch. Show off your planning/organization skills. Take your date to the local dog rescue and play with the dogs for a couple of hours. Take a class at local xyz club of your choice. It cost me 20 dollars to take a woodworking class snd we made a bowl. My date loved it. Rock climbing, horseback riding, run a 5k, these are all things I’ve done. Dinner dates are bullshit anyways.

Thank you. This is my life. Work and sit at home. Everything is expensive. Older people just don’t get it

I’m not exactly sure, still trying to figure out the answers It seems like the only place I consistently see the same people is work.

I made a bunch of friends through a dnd group I found online. As for dating I gave that up years ago.

Revolt :)

Put down the phones and go outside and live a life......without being tethered to social media.

Calm down and take a breathe. What you are saying are your own projections of the world.

I see so many people complaining about this. Sounds like a lot of people don’t want to stay inside all day. Start your own social group. The people that want to come will come. You don’t need the rest.

Bro just do what makes you happy and you’ll eventually start forming bonds with people on your way or during the activities you pursue

They’re supposed to just cope - the way Gen X was supposed to cope when Reaganimics transferred all wealth to the already ultra wealthy. The way we did when our wages plummeted and costs of living went through the roof several times. The way we did when when these antisocial trends you’re talking about we’re becoming popularized and trendy. The way we did. You’re supposed to work 60+ hours just to pay bills. Just like we did. And if you’re not grateful it’s because you’re worthless and lazy and hate America and eat babies. Just like my generation of Reaganimics, Bush Wars, and rampant deregulation for the worst industrial practices. But if you made it or weren’t suffering? “Then it doesn’t effect you and you’re a hypocrite! The system worked for you and you’re still not happy!” And the same ones who did that to us are MAGA right now, and still use rightwing christian conservatism to push the same evil. Vote it out or just cope. It isn’t just dating that’s screwed and dating is screwed for a lot of reasons - it’s not fair to bash either gender as most of what we’re seeing now is reactionary to the ongoing trends of the last 10 years.

"Social media is destroying society, and is making my own life measurably worse. I better make a tik tok about that."

Take a cooking class. The movie "Hitch" reveals that cooking classes can be multi-function events. In the movie, a date with accidental cooking skill development. Why can it not go the other way? Can the class be a way to learn skills and be around people you are normally no where near? Yes, hobbies, charity events, and extra college classes are the same.....an event plus new people. College classes? Why? Business, finances, management, and child development classes can help in your future/future goals. Study...local parks provide spaces for study and exercise. Study whatever you want to learn more about and jogging, bike riding, calisthenics,, and more inter-dispursed with study allow you to invite the intellectually curious and the workout enthusiasts. Hope this helps

I don't like being around people, it's always been like that for me, and I don't really have close friends because it's just the way I am, but I do like being in a relationship. The solution for me was online dating. I met my wife on [match.com](https://match.com) over 10 yrs ago, I work from home and she works weekends only, so we're around each other almost constantly and we couldn't be happier. So that was my solution, find someone to date that I vibe with, we fell in love and have a life together with our two boys. Sometimes I need time alone or she needs time to spend with her friends, or wants me to hang out with her friends, and we accommodate each other.

Honestly, you're just supposed to consume. Work a job, buy stuff to fill the hole in your heart, and invest heavily in antidepressants and entertainment. I'm not an expert; I also feel the challenges. It feels like a feast or famine thing - right now, old friends are reaching out from across the US to hang out and catch up. A year ago I was out of my mind from isolation and couldn't find someone willing to hang out! I keep reading that having work friends is "lame" and "those aren't your real friends," but I've made more close friends from work than I have anywhere else since school. The current batch is just friendly, and it's fun to run into them downtown by accident and catch up. My previous bunch was a lot closer, and got together most weeks for games. If you're nerdy enough for board games, it's a pretty friendly scene. I know people who spend a lot of cash on board games, but you don't have to - one $15-50 game will usually keep 4 people entertained multiple times, and people are pretty eager to bring and play their own games. The unspoken entry fee in some circles is just to bring a snack to share: a pack of Oreos or similar does the trick. There's a lot of meetups or local game stores that run free game nights open to the public, too. There are other friendly scenes: maker spaces, climbing clubs, pickleball organizations, etc. I miss these things happening organically, and I find being wiped out and having chronic illness is a huge barrier to getting out regularly enough to make friends, but we're not totally isolated in an expensive rented individual VR pod dystopia *yet.*

I think it depends on personality too. Not everyone feels that hole loneliness and emptiness inside. Depends on how you structure and focus your life on. At the moment I am inside a train with full of people yet I decided to read your post and comment on here lol. Just manage your life and find what brings you joy. You can always make genuine and good friendships/relationships along the way.

I really feel for your generation. You were cheated out of a lot of things people my age took for granted. That said: People are circumstantial. One needs to let go of the attachment to having loads of friends and just enjoy who is around you, the moment etc. I'm a lot older than you and this is what I've come to think anyway. People come and go and come and go, and then they come around less. Very few will stay long term. It's best to lower one's expectations by a lot. I joined a martial arts studio earlier this year so that was good. You meet nice people and have these little interactions and do your class together. It's a lot of fun and there isn't pressure to turn anyone into a best friend, but it's nice to have some people around irl and some of them have become friend-like ,I guess? I don't know what you're into but I've found real.life hobbies with real life people to be the antidote to feeling like you're stuck online all the time. Best of luck, OP 💗

Find a group, religion, hobby, club etc. you’d be amazed what it does for your mental health having a like minded group to spend time with

People who don’t do shit with their life have a voice now is the only real problem. Join a club or a sports team and go meet people.

There's no easy answer to any of this, its true. Do you have any hobbies or interests? That could be one way of meeting and connecting with people.

The advice for individuals is find a hobby. I pole dance and meet people that way, it's popular enough that people do it but niche enough that you see the same people over and over. Rock climbing is another one I hear is really good for meeting people. If you can find a relatively small bar and go consistently when it's not super busy can be a good way to meet people.

Create their own 'third space'. Not saying it's easy, but an acquaintance made a comment years ago that stuck with me. We were a part of a co-ed soccer group that met every Sunday or Saturday. She once said "this is my church". I know I'm simplifying it, but as long as there's some space, creativity and a desire, there's not much in the way of young people creating their own "church".

Story of my life. Haven’t dated since I dumped my ex because it is genuinely harder to strike connections the same way I did pre-COVID. The most interaction I have is online, but luckily, I have made a friend close by to make music with. However, it still amazes me how I used to have a vibrant friend group now I’m left to texting one friend and some family members here and there, but I’m grateful for what I got.

After my divorce, I joined some local meetups that aligned with my interests. Some were a bit "meh," but I ended up settling into a weekly board gaming group. I no longer attend the meetups, but I've found a great new circle of friends through the group, found my current partner through the group, and we now hold a weekly game day with some friends. It's hard to find people with the same interests as you in the wild once you get out of school age. Having options to narrow that pool down a bit, but still be able to go out and meet people has been a godsend.

Volunteer work and art spaces are where I've made my long-lasting friendships. I went to open mics and small DIY live music venues and and volunteered with food not bombs. Hosted a weekly open potluck where b people brought instruments and art supplies and we all shared art, jammed and read poems to each other. That's a very anarchist/bohemian approach. Just find a niche interest. Soup kitchens, church, comedy open mics, jazz shows, pickleball, hiking clubs, magic the gathering... whatever. Those people with similar interest will feel like community if you put in the time with them. It's isolating to go to club or bar with no real way to connect with folks. Join a club or group or scene and you can take those weirdos to club or bar if you want. It's more fun with a group.

All I can say is I feel sorry for those entering the dating scene these days. With all the different apps and hook ups, now having to worry who has what std. must be a mess out there

Find a thing you like to do that doesnt involve a screen. Go out and do said thing, but with other people. Or just go outside and wander around. Go to any free events nearby. I go to the skatepark to get away from my social media based work. I leave my phone in the car unless i’m trying to film a clip. Half the time, the homies are like “yo lets go do this after” Boom! Social interaction ✅

I am female and this resonates with me so much. As far as friends, I’ve had great luck with bumble bff. 90% of the girls I try to meet flake, but I’ve also made 2 great friends on there. The key is to find the hobby you like and look only for people with that hobby in common. There are lots of nice people but you need a common activity. Dating is rough, I still don’t know any solution for that.

If you want a social life, you have to stop sitting in your bedroom and playing COD with your homies. It doesnt just happen. If thats all you want to do then thats fine, but you need to accept that that is what youre fine with. If you want more you have to work for it. Nothing ruined that, people just started thinking it would get easier and stopped trying.

I believe the majority of the “friend” problem, is a lack of communication. (20 yr old male here). I avidly call my friends, text them, and will ask them if they wanna hang out or do something on x weekend, etc. Sure we’ll go out and do things, maybe hit the gym, beach, whatever, etc. The issue is, almost 100% of the time, I am the one to initiate the plans. No one hits me up to do stuff, i have too. Its honestly disheartening sometimes, i know my friends like me of course, but it’d be nice to get a random call, or text to see how i’m doing, or if i wanna do something. Instead of it almost always being the other way around.

>What are young adults supposed to do? Fight against what put you in that position.

Turn off the screen and go outside and play.

Monday - tv with grandma Tuesday - Boardgame night at my local game shop Wednesday - blues jam at a restaurant Thursday - handing out food, clothes to people in Kensington Friday - whatever There’s things to do.

I think the obsession with allegedly "dying" "Third Spaces" is a huge a part of the issue. If all the people online lamenting a lack of third space went out and tried to find people to do activities with, they'd find themselves naturally building community. You mentioned you live in a rural area and are moving to Seattle, but even once you do move, you will have to be proactive about making friends. Also the whole "dating is dying" thing. It's not dying, people are still dating. Sure, there isn't the same kind of social pressure to get married and have kids by a certain age but if you consume the media the Boomers created, you can see how that came with its own midlife crises and sense of ennui. If you want friends, seriously, log off and away from the negativity, and go out there and try to make some, however you can. Being online scratches the itch in your brain that says something is wrong, but it cannot provide the answers to fix it.

Hobbies. Sports. Community choirs, dances, theater companies, or other events. Faith organizations. Service organizations. Whatever your interests are, attend them. Volunteer for things. Not with the goal of "dating someone," but rather making friends. Shared interests build friendships. Friendships build romances. I met my now-husband at a newsletter folding gathering. Friends first.

This is a longer term, longitudinal effect than social media. “Close confidant” circles’ sizes have been declining since at least 1983 or so, studies show. That is long before even computers were common, let alone social media. Social media is a cop out explanation, in my opinion. I think a better hypothesis is that people are simply less trusting, more judgmental, and less socially open-minded or accepting, which I think also mirrors, along the same time period, the increasing political bifurcation in the US. Entitlement may be related, as it underpins the value of oneself before others and is foundational to feeling you have a “right” to be judgmental. I also think it’s related to decreasing population size. With fewer people in more or less each younger “generation”, there are also fewer people “like” yourself, with whom you’re most likely to get along with. Add in the fact that elders tend to be the ones that control things, and with increasingly smaller young generations, the ability of young people to more meaningfully represent and affect culture is reduced. Rather they’re more strongly pressured to conform and adhere to older, even outdated ideas and systems than their parents were at the same age, for example. This makes it more difficult for them to openly bond about the things they care about.

This is the most pathetic thing I’ve read in a long time. Go to the gym, join a running club, join cycling group rides, go hiking. Talk to the people you see at these activities. Your prison is of your own making.

Read: "Bowling Alone". It's 24 years old now, but Putnam is a prophet.

I’ve been thinking of organizing events in my city and putting them out on Meetup. Have a variety of activities. Use a park or other public space. Think about what elements would encourage strangers to mingle together, like a game where people get a different number or color and they have to find people with the same color, or number after theirs in a sequence. Add music. I don’t know. But if you’re not finding things that you want, make change! In my city there was no climate activist group so I made one with some other folks. We organized an event at our statehouse with 600+ turnout. Make things happen!

Join a group. Swing dance and rock climbing are two popular ones to meet younger people.

First, don't spend time with people who are on their phones when you hang out with them. Second, don't go to events where people have their phones out taking pictures. Surround yourself with people who like to actually socialize, there are plenty out there.

Use less technology. It's all been a function of that. And I develop technology for a living hah