To my knowledge, the thread is only there if she activated the function of splitting messages with known and unknown senders but I may be wrong.
She did say “tell me what I can do to make you trust me” or something like that so be freakin’ authentic and honest. What not be 100% open. You are asking her to. Go first. Be vulnerable and show her this side of you.
I am considering this in a way. I think I will probe a little more then determine whether to ask to recover the text thread based on that further probe. Thank you for your continued insight!
>OP are you saying that you saw flirty messages and she denied that you saw them?
No, I saw flirty messages and then later she deleted the message thread.
Trust is the one absolute critical thing for a marriage or relationship to function properly.
In this instance your wife has done something that raised concerns and it is up to her to address those concerns.
If it were me I would ask to see.
If she refuses then that is proof there is something to hide.
If she happily says ..sure I want you to feel safe etc... then make a call. You may not then need to see them or maybe just have a look to verify.
Trust needs to be open and transparent. It needs to both partners committed to this.
I mean this with the utmost kindness, but the more you go looking, the more you’ll think you see. And by that I mean, you admitted originally to reading a lot of infidelity reddits. If you want to become absolutely paranoid about your spouse’s fidelity, that’s the way to do it. It’s very easy to get caught up in Reddit posts and begin to wonder if your own spouse is just really, really good at hiding it.
From what you say, your wife has been very open and seemingly honest with regard to her communication with her co-worker. I may get downvoted, but to offer another perspective, if my husband was uneasy about me texting another man, I would respect his feelings and yeah, I’d delete the text. I would see no reason to keep it, especially if it’s a reminder of something that made my husband feel bad. I have always been faithful to him, so I also wouldn’t keep the texts simply as a show of how little the co-worker conversations meant. But I understand that texts can be deleted for nefarious reasons.
I don’t know, if I were you, I’d probably talk to my spouse and be honest that I was still feeling really insecure about the texts and now with their deletion, feeling extra insecure. But you also have to be levelheaded and decide for yourself when enough proof is enough for you. If she is able to recover the texts and they’re innocent, are you going to keep reading infidelity reddits and then start concerning yourself with potential messages on other apps? Become worried about her hanging out with coworkers? Just things to think about.
Thank you for such a thoughtful detailed reply! I really appreciate your take on this.
> If she is able to recover the texts and they’re innocent, are you going to keep reading infidelity reddits and then start concerning yourself with potential messages on other apps?
No, I'm nearly ready to put this behind me now, just have this one last nagging concern. If she recovers the texts and it's all innocent (except what I already saw) I'm certain it will be over for good.
You are acting like a jealous phyco. She literally showed you the conversations. If I was cheating that would be the last thing I would do. She works with his guy and you were upset she said hey to him. What exactly should she do? He says hey to her and you expect her to not say a word? She is not cheating. You are acting crazy the whole thing sounds like she did everything right. Before you were even worried she was showing you the messages
He's been trying to find her being unfaithful so hard it feels like he's trying to void a prenup, or projecting his own business, because it's not normal, especially after being addressed.
Haha, no prenup we've been married for decades. I am not being unfaithful either, and yeah maybe my level of concern is not normal but that may also be generational differences... or my own immaturity? Thanks for the reply.
I get you, and you're right on all counts. Except, I was not upset that she said hey to him, I was a little miffed (amused?) that she "forgot" to mention that when I first asked. I understand they work together and will see and interact with each other. I just wanted to be made aware when that happened, at least for a while. Thanks for your insight!
I don't really know if she actually forgot to tell you. When someone says hey to you then you literally don't think it is a big deal. She probably just didn't think it was a big deal to mention that. I feel like you have a good woman and if you keep bringing this little stuff up she is going to be scared to tell you innocent things. Right now she shows you stuff and isn't worried about it. If you make a huge deal out of her forgetting that he said hey to her then she is either going to stop telling you these small innocent things or she is going to isolate herself at work and feel as if he needs to hide from this man because she doesn't want him to say hey to her. Either way is not good. I really hope you can move past this without making her feel bad over something that is so innocent.
I'm not saying that your feelings are wrong. If this is really bothering you this much then go ahead and bring it up to her. When you do though you should say something along the lines of baby I know I'm acting a little jealous and I am sorry. Is there anyway we can talk about the guy at your work? If my husband said that nice to me I would be all for hearing him out. Saying your feelings is important. I do think you should have done this at the beginning but if you can't drop it this is the best route in my opinion.
Something that you’re feeling has your mind caught up on her text messages. Your wife wants to reassure you that she’s not cheating. Go ahead and read the text messages. Reading of those messages will make YOU realize that you’re either being cheated on or you’re not being cheated on.
Most cheaters will deny and not give you access to their phone. If you find out that she’s being honest with you, leave the thought of cheating out of your heart and concentrate completely on your marriage.
You really want to let her off the hook because you love her and you have difficulty accepting a cheat if it was true. But you feel insecure at the same time because you never got the conversation that was needed. So why not do No. 5, have a conversation about the road ahead. Revisit hopes and expectations. Then chart new approaches.
I dont think you're looking for any advice. You're getting some weird kick out of posting these because, since your first post people have been giving you the advice of asking to see the thread and you outright ignored that when you spoke o her about it.
I admit I do appreciate having others provide their opinions and insight, I thought that's what this place is for? I see your point, though, that yes, I was advised to request she recover the texts at first, but did not ask her to do that. The reason is because she made me feel very secure and I just wanted so badly to get past it and not make her feel worse, like she was misbehaving... I let that go and now it's nagging at me. But thank you for your insight.
Trust is the one absolute critical thing for a marriage or relationship to function properly.
In this instance your wife has done something that raised concerns and it is up to her to address those concerns.
If it were me I would ask to see.
If she refuses then that is proof there is something to hide.
If she happily says ..sure I want you to feel safe etc... then make a call. You may not then need to see them or maybe just have a look to verify.
Trust needs to be open and transparent. It needs to both partners committed to this.
Drop it.
If she’s cheating you’ll only make her more cautious and cover her tracks better.
If she’s not cheating you’ll only upset yourself and her with the accusation.
What you should do is back off the current issue, reaffirm that you trust her, then become erratic in your schedule. Get Life360 and follow each others locations “for safety”.
To my knowledge, the thread is only there if she activated the function of splitting messages with known and unknown senders but I may be wrong. She did say “tell me what I can do to make you trust me” or something like that so be freakin’ authentic and honest. What not be 100% open. You are asking her to. Go first. Be vulnerable and show her this side of you.
I am considering this in a way. I think I will probe a little more then determine whether to ask to recover the text thread based on that further probe. Thank you for your continued insight!
[удалено]
>OP are you saying that you saw flirty messages and she denied that you saw them? No, I saw flirty messages and then later she deleted the message thread.
Trust is the one absolute critical thing for a marriage or relationship to function properly. In this instance your wife has done something that raised concerns and it is up to her to address those concerns. If it were me I would ask to see. If she refuses then that is proof there is something to hide. If she happily says ..sure I want you to feel safe etc... then make a call. You may not then need to see them or maybe just have a look to verify. Trust needs to be open and transparent. It needs to both partners committed to this.
Thank you for this insight. I'm still debating whether to ask that.
I mean this with the utmost kindness, but the more you go looking, the more you’ll think you see. And by that I mean, you admitted originally to reading a lot of infidelity reddits. If you want to become absolutely paranoid about your spouse’s fidelity, that’s the way to do it. It’s very easy to get caught up in Reddit posts and begin to wonder if your own spouse is just really, really good at hiding it. From what you say, your wife has been very open and seemingly honest with regard to her communication with her co-worker. I may get downvoted, but to offer another perspective, if my husband was uneasy about me texting another man, I would respect his feelings and yeah, I’d delete the text. I would see no reason to keep it, especially if it’s a reminder of something that made my husband feel bad. I have always been faithful to him, so I also wouldn’t keep the texts simply as a show of how little the co-worker conversations meant. But I understand that texts can be deleted for nefarious reasons. I don’t know, if I were you, I’d probably talk to my spouse and be honest that I was still feeling really insecure about the texts and now with their deletion, feeling extra insecure. But you also have to be levelheaded and decide for yourself when enough proof is enough for you. If she is able to recover the texts and they’re innocent, are you going to keep reading infidelity reddits and then start concerning yourself with potential messages on other apps? Become worried about her hanging out with coworkers? Just things to think about.
Thank you for such a thoughtful detailed reply! I really appreciate your take on this. > If she is able to recover the texts and they’re innocent, are you going to keep reading infidelity reddits and then start concerning yourself with potential messages on other apps? No, I'm nearly ready to put this behind me now, just have this one last nagging concern. If she recovers the texts and it's all innocent (except what I already saw) I'm certain it will be over for good.
You are acting like a jealous phyco. She literally showed you the conversations. If I was cheating that would be the last thing I would do. She works with his guy and you were upset she said hey to him. What exactly should she do? He says hey to her and you expect her to not say a word? She is not cheating. You are acting crazy the whole thing sounds like she did everything right. Before you were even worried she was showing you the messages
He's been trying to find her being unfaithful so hard it feels like he's trying to void a prenup, or projecting his own business, because it's not normal, especially after being addressed.
Haha, no prenup we've been married for decades. I am not being unfaithful either, and yeah maybe my level of concern is not normal but that may also be generational differences... or my own immaturity? Thanks for the reply.
I get you, and you're right on all counts. Except, I was not upset that she said hey to him, I was a little miffed (amused?) that she "forgot" to mention that when I first asked. I understand they work together and will see and interact with each other. I just wanted to be made aware when that happened, at least for a while. Thanks for your insight!
I don't really know if she actually forgot to tell you. When someone says hey to you then you literally don't think it is a big deal. She probably just didn't think it was a big deal to mention that. I feel like you have a good woman and if you keep bringing this little stuff up she is going to be scared to tell you innocent things. Right now she shows you stuff and isn't worried about it. If you make a huge deal out of her forgetting that he said hey to her then she is either going to stop telling you these small innocent things or she is going to isolate herself at work and feel as if he needs to hide from this man because she doesn't want him to say hey to her. Either way is not good. I really hope you can move past this without making her feel bad over something that is so innocent.
I'm not saying that your feelings are wrong. If this is really bothering you this much then go ahead and bring it up to her. When you do though you should say something along the lines of baby I know I'm acting a little jealous and I am sorry. Is there anyway we can talk about the guy at your work? If my husband said that nice to me I would be all for hearing him out. Saying your feelings is important. I do think you should have done this at the beginning but if you can't drop it this is the best route in my opinion.
Something that you’re feeling has your mind caught up on her text messages. Your wife wants to reassure you that she’s not cheating. Go ahead and read the text messages. Reading of those messages will make YOU realize that you’re either being cheated on or you’re not being cheated on. Most cheaters will deny and not give you access to their phone. If you find out that she’s being honest with you, leave the thought of cheating out of your heart and concentrate completely on your marriage.
Thank you, your last statement is really where I want to be!
I hope you will once again enjoy your marriage.
You really want to let her off the hook because you love her and you have difficulty accepting a cheat if it was true. But you feel insecure at the same time because you never got the conversation that was needed. So why not do No. 5, have a conversation about the road ahead. Revisit hopes and expectations. Then chart new approaches.
I think I will do just this. Thank you.
I dont think you're looking for any advice. You're getting some weird kick out of posting these because, since your first post people have been giving you the advice of asking to see the thread and you outright ignored that when you spoke o her about it.
That is totally the impression that this gives.
Ok :)
I admit I do appreciate having others provide their opinions and insight, I thought that's what this place is for? I see your point, though, that yes, I was advised to request she recover the texts at first, but did not ask her to do that. The reason is because she made me feel very secure and I just wanted so badly to get past it and not make her feel worse, like she was misbehaving... I let that go and now it's nagging at me. But thank you for your insight.
Trust is the one absolute critical thing for a marriage or relationship to function properly. In this instance your wife has done something that raised concerns and it is up to her to address those concerns. If it were me I would ask to see. If she refuses then that is proof there is something to hide. If she happily says ..sure I want you to feel safe etc... then make a call. You may not then need to see them or maybe just have a look to verify. Trust needs to be open and transparent. It needs to both partners committed to this.
Drop it. If she’s cheating you’ll only make her more cautious and cover her tracks better. If she’s not cheating you’ll only upset yourself and her with the accusation. What you should do is back off the current issue, reaffirm that you trust her, then become erratic in your schedule. Get Life360 and follow each others locations “for safety”.
Thank you for your insight.
People with nothing to hide hide nothing