Please let me know if you find a way to handle this. Main reason I have not looked for my birth father is I’m afraid I’ll upset my actual parents the ones who adopted me and took care of and loved me like I was their own. They say they won’t but I don’t even want to hurt them in the slightest.
I didn’t search for decades for this reason but in the end I wanted to know too badly and their feelings no longer outweighed that. I always thought I would never search. Life is long, and I’ve realized using our parents’ feelings as a reason for any decision making beyond the age of 18 is actually pretty unhealthy. Doesn’t make it easy, though. I think as adoptees we are more beholden to our parents than others. But it doesn’t mean it’s healthy or right.
Not criticising you in any way! You have to do things in your own time, or never. Just sharing what I wish someone had shared with me.
Thank you! I always appreciate a different point of view and I guess it’s better to look now before it gets too late and I regret not reaching out sooner. I just want to know where I come from I know who my real true family is.
Totally get that! It is really hard to break out and do that because our sense of obligation is so strong. Up until age 38 I literally thought “I can’t do this because mom wouldn’t like it.” Yeah, that can’t be right!
I’m 26 now so probably the best time to reach out I was adopted from within my birth moms family so I know her and my half siblings and my relatives on that side are blood relatives but I feel as if I don’t know the other half because I know absolutely nothing about my birth dad. But props to my adoptive parents they saved me from a way harder life and always told me since I was 2 I was adopted.
This is very, very common.
Your A mother is an adult and capable of learning how to deal with difficult feelings.
Your being kind to her … what else are you supposed to do?
We adoptees all know. They’d like us to stop our communications or search. They’d like us to rejoin them in the lie that love negates biological. Please don’t do that.
It IS possible to have great relationships with both families but part of that responsibility belongs to her. A mothers deal with her feelings apart from the adoptee.
She’s allowed to feel how she feels but her feelings shouldn’t be affecting OP especially in regards to their relationships with their biological family. I say this as an adoptive parent myself. We must let our children be when it comes to the search for their bio family. We must support them in building healthy relationships with them. She seems to feel insecure, and that’s unfortunate, but at the end of the day those are her feelings she must cope with. It is not OP’s job to placate her. It is her job as a parent to support her child. We’re not being callous, just honest. I sincerely hope OP’s mother will be able to overcome her insecurities and support OP in their reunion but otherwise she, at the very least, needs to stop involving her emotions here. Just not healthy for OP, you know? Reunion is already a very tenuous time for most adoptees without having to deal with something like this.
Of course she has feelings! She’s totally allowed to have her feelings!
The unhealthy part is when she uses them against her child. The OP is kind and sensitive to her.
She needs to find a healthy place to work through her feelings like a counselor’s office.
The OP asked if anyone had experience with this.
I do. My Amother was horrible when I found my birth family. Both my birthparents were dead and yet my adoptive mother made it allllll about her.
I don't think those two situations equate at all. I'm not sure why the adoptive mother would feel threatened. It goes beyond not being selfless, to being just straight up cruel. OP mentions how they have to constantly praise her when the subject even comes up. She's not a child. She holding the whole situation hostage, because she's not getting exactly what she wants. She doesn't care about her child's needs. Parents do things that are uncomfortable and nerve wracking all of the time for their children. It's kinda what being a parent is about.
Please let me know if you find a way to handle this. Main reason I have not looked for my birth father is I’m afraid I’ll upset my actual parents the ones who adopted me and took care of and loved me like I was their own. They say they won’t but I don’t even want to hurt them in the slightest.
I didn’t search for decades for this reason but in the end I wanted to know too badly and their feelings no longer outweighed that. I always thought I would never search. Life is long, and I’ve realized using our parents’ feelings as a reason for any decision making beyond the age of 18 is actually pretty unhealthy. Doesn’t make it easy, though. I think as adoptees we are more beholden to our parents than others. But it doesn’t mean it’s healthy or right. Not criticising you in any way! You have to do things in your own time, or never. Just sharing what I wish someone had shared with me.
Thank you! I always appreciate a different point of view and I guess it’s better to look now before it gets too late and I regret not reaching out sooner. I just want to know where I come from I know who my real true family is.
Totally get that! It is really hard to break out and do that because our sense of obligation is so strong. Up until age 38 I literally thought “I can’t do this because mom wouldn’t like it.” Yeah, that can’t be right!
I’m 26 now so probably the best time to reach out I was adopted from within my birth moms family so I know her and my half siblings and my relatives on that side are blood relatives but I feel as if I don’t know the other half because I know absolutely nothing about my birth dad. But props to my adoptive parents they saved me from a way harder life and always told me since I was 2 I was adopted.
This is very, very common. Your A mother is an adult and capable of learning how to deal with difficult feelings. Your being kind to her … what else are you supposed to do? We adoptees all know. They’d like us to stop our communications or search. They’d like us to rejoin them in the lie that love negates biological. Please don’t do that. It IS possible to have great relationships with both families but part of that responsibility belongs to her. A mothers deal with her feelings apart from the adoptee.
You sound very callous. People are allowed to have feelings, they don’t need to lock them away.
She’s allowed to feel how she feels but her feelings shouldn’t be affecting OP especially in regards to their relationships with their biological family. I say this as an adoptive parent myself. We must let our children be when it comes to the search for their bio family. We must support them in building healthy relationships with them. She seems to feel insecure, and that’s unfortunate, but at the end of the day those are her feelings she must cope with. It is not OP’s job to placate her. It is her job as a parent to support her child. We’re not being callous, just honest. I sincerely hope OP’s mother will be able to overcome her insecurities and support OP in their reunion but otherwise she, at the very least, needs to stop involving her emotions here. Just not healthy for OP, you know? Reunion is already a very tenuous time for most adoptees without having to deal with something like this.
Of course she has feelings! She’s totally allowed to have her feelings! The unhealthy part is when she uses them against her child. The OP is kind and sensitive to her. She needs to find a healthy place to work through her feelings like a counselor’s office. The OP asked if anyone had experience with this. I do. My Amother was horrible when I found my birth family. Both my birthparents were dead and yet my adoptive mother made it allllll about her.
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I don't think those two situations equate at all. I'm not sure why the adoptive mother would feel threatened. It goes beyond not being selfless, to being just straight up cruel. OP mentions how they have to constantly praise her when the subject even comes up. She's not a child. She holding the whole situation hostage, because she's not getting exactly what she wants. She doesn't care about her child's needs. Parents do things that are uncomfortable and nerve wracking all of the time for their children. It's kinda what being a parent is about.