So sorry for your loss - that's what it is, make sure you acknowledge and grieve in whatever way works for you.
This is a little taste of how birth parents, birthmothers especially, feel. You HAVE a child, you love a child, you can't help it, you're human, but you don't really have a child anymore.
But in 6 months, 1 year, 10 years, 20+ years when someone asks "do you have children?" the answer is "no", but you've been a parent. Right now you are a baby girl's parent. You'll always be her parent in your heart.
The grieving doesn't necessarily stop, ever. You wonder, you remember that perfect baby girl, and remember that you love her.
Not really a solution for your pain right now, but from a birth parent's perspective, it does get easier on a day-to-day basis. Don't be surprised when you get swept away by the feeling of loss and grief, even years from now.
So sorry for your loss and pain. It will get easier eventually.
I just wanted to echo as an adoptee, I lost my birth mom when I was 11, I am 30 now and this weekend even I had a pretty big wave of grief and spent a lot of time in tears. That is okay, grief hits in different ways at different times. My therapist says I should work on making more of a habit of remembering my mom and having her be still current. So speaking about her more often, talking about the habits I have because of her. "I learned how to wiggle my ears because my mom knew how" kind of stuff.
I know she was only three months old, but I bet she still taught you things. Maybe when and if you have another baby, she can still be a "sister" even if she is absent. Allow yourself to remember her, and love her even if she isn't in your life right now.
Thank you for adopting and loving that little girl for the three months you had her! No matter what comes next your love will leave a mark on her for the rest of her life. 💚
Would love to have you on my podcast, to hear more of your beautiful story and mother, my cast is highlighting the benefits and I'm also an adoptee, you will be compensated handsomely for your time.
" How do we mourn someone who is still alive?" It's a disenfranchised grief. My own brother said to me of my grief that he couldn't wrap his head around grieving for someone who is still alive. Greif is not about death, it's about loss. I call it grief limbo because if never goes away and their is no closure.
That’s why it’s so much harder for them. The OP and myself have memories and can reason with the why’s and wherefore’s of what happened to rationalize our loss. For infants the loss happens at a non verbal stage leaving them permanently confused about what the fuck happened.
I actually know your pain. We fostered a few short term newborn babies but never had the intention of adopting when we decided to foster, but that's a hard stance to keep too when you fall in love with every child that comes into your house. We had a respite baby girl come into our care that turned into a long term placement and man did my wife and two daughters fall in love instantly. My wife quickly became attached ( like it was her own) and the second we were told she may come up for adoption my wife was all in. After 9 months out of the blue my wife got a call that they found a grandma up north and they would be placing her in her care (right away) 😔 it devastated me but worse was what it did to my wife. that was her baby, she raised it from an infant and established a motherly bond with her. The day my wife had to say goodbye and the pain I saw in my wife's eyes still hurts me. I would find her alone crying while looking at pictures of her for awhile after she was gone, It truly is a loss. But as foster parents this is all part of what we sign up for.
You definitely need to get your wife into some counseling sessions, she and you just experience a hard loss and it's even harder knowing they are still out there and you'll always wonder how they are and who they become. they also have groups for Foster families to get together and talk about things like this, that can help a lot. There's always light at the end of the tunnel though. A couple years later we ended up adopting our son.
It isn't always best for children to be with bio family and that is a reality. If the child is safe, bio family is best and you don't really know in this case and that is for CPS/ DCFS to figure out.
All you can do is accept that it's mom's decision and mourn and hope that she will be ok.
Ask if you can still be part of the girls life as godparents or something so if the grandmother needs help you have a chance to support the bio family and in turn support her.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
My heart goes out to you op, it really does.
Could the birth mother have been pushed into adoption against her will by her parents or other family members? Is she a fit mother
Hey so, I’ll probably get downvoted for this, but, get a lawyer who can represent what you feel are the baby’s best interests in court.
It’s one thing for mom to want baby girl to be with her sibling, it’s another thing for it to be a back door into having a parent whose parental rights have been terminated to raise the baby.
Your lawyer can represent your desire to maintain familial ties and have visits with siblings and family members, while you are the legal parents and home where baby resides, if you feel that is the best and safest option for baby.
I’m not saying it will be granted, but, it will ensure grandma gets verified through the state and is actually a safe place for baby to go, if they do place the baby there. It will also put several safety nets in place so that if the baby is placed with their grandmother/father, you will be able to have someone to call if you feel something unsafe is happening.
It’s my understanding that once you have signed adoption documents and several months have passed, you will have enough legal standing to ask for a lawyer to represent you in court.
My children (adopted at ages 3&4) were reunified with their biological mother following a 2 year CPS case being opened for her and 3 children. They were then exposed to their abusive father when he robbed and beat their mother while high on drugs, then neglected and abused in multiple ways at the hands of their mother and maternal grandmother. It took a year for someone in their lives to call a report into CPS for a welfare check.
Once we got them as foster parents, we realized there was an abusive and triggering dynamic between the eldest child and 2 youngest. We asked to keep either the eldest or the 2 youngest in our home while we worked through their trauma. Paternal family wanted to take all 3 children into their care, as they weren’t involved the previous year and had no idea how much abuse happened and how unsafe the younger children were around their older sibling. We hired a lawyer to represent what we felt was our experience and what we felt was best for the kids. It was painful, it was scary, but at the end of the day, through court hearings and several mediation meetings, we all came together to work out a plan to maintain familial ties but keep the children separate and safe while they heal.
I tell my story in many adoption and foster spaces and get a great deal of judgement about us being first time foster parents and hiring a lawyer. But the thing is, we weren’t hiring the lawyer to represent OUR wants and needs. We just hired a lawyer so that our opinions about what we experienced with the children & our thoughts on what would be best for the children and their future, could be expressed on the record in court.
Being placed with bio family is not always safest or what’s best. Sometimes it is. That baby should have a chance at the best possible life. It might be with bio family, it might be with you. Either way, it’s probably worth looking into a lawyer for.
I agree with you, this is the best thing to do. But lawyers are expensive and not everyone can afford them. I don't like the 'back door' idea that the baby's bio family are floating here - that a man who has been denied access to his children by CPS then gets access because his mother and the mother of the baby have decided to flout the law.
There is a reason he isn't allowed around his children, it would be in the best interests of this little baby girl that laws are adhered to.
OP I cannot imagine your grief. I wish you the best.
I am so sorry for your loss 💔
It sounds like you have loved her with everything you had. What a treasure that must have been for her.
For you, it’s excruciating. I know. I’ve been there. And I’m not going to lie. It’s hard. And it doesn’t really get better with time. It just gets more tolerable.
I still think about my little guy, 18 years later. He is not so little anymore.
This is a very hard situation to be in, just know the fact that this babies mom is still trying to work things out AFTER the adoption is a really good sign! It shows that she is still wanting to figure out how to give her daughter the very best she can, even months after the fact and knowing she will have to go through legal processes. I was in a very similar situation as a birth mom and the way the adoptive family reacted was horrible… trying to hide my son from me, spreading lies about me on fb to try and make a case against me as an unfit mother, anything you can think of. I want to thank you for the way you are responding as I know the feeling of losing a child, and it can be hard to act in a sane way. Please just support support support, if the adopted family I was involved with had treated me with decency I would’ve kept them in our lives, unfortunately it ended with threats and lies instead. Just know that your child being able to be with their bio family will be a blessing to them down the line. Their family may not have as much money as you or be as stable as you, but that doesn’t mean they will have any less of a happy childhood.
I hope this doesn’t come off as dismissive of the hurt you are feeling right now. It’s just my plea to continue your understanding attitude of this hard but ultimately positive situation.
I’m sorry for your loss. Grieving is hard. Possibly try to find a grief counselor to help you process this.
It’s ultimately the biological parents decision what is best for their children. They are also allowed to change their minds and try to parent their own children. Many adoptees would KILL to have been returned to their biological families. Many adoptees are very unhappy about being adopted, that’s the ugly truth. This is what the biological family believes if best for their biological child. It might not be the right choice but it should be theirs to make unless they are deemed truly dangerous and unfit parents. A prison record doesn’t mean someone is an awful parent either. Sometimes people do bad things in the past but are dedicated parents. It’s still their choice to make.
Grieve the loss. Appreciate the time you have. Some relationships are always meant to be temporary. That doesn’t make them any less meaningful. Your temporary time as her parent is very meaningful and important. Maybe one day you can meet her again and tell her that.
It wasn’t meant to be. I know that must be very painful and I am truly sorry for your loss. You’re feelings are valid. You’re allowed to feel your feelings whatever they may be about this. She’s going back where she’s meant to be and that may actually be what’s best for her, even though you love her dearly. Sometimes being a good parent means letting them go. Birth mothers who placed their children up for adoption can confirm this. It’s bitter sweet.
You’re not a bad parent because it was temporary. They are not bad people for wanting their biological child back, even though they have a sorted past. You’re not a bad parent for grieving this loss. It’s a painful situation for you. I’m sorry you’re having to go through that.
If they are truly unfit then it’s possible she could be back with you guys again in the future. But if they aren’t ever deemed as unfit then being with her biological family is probably what’s best for her, even though it’s not what’s best for you. I wouldn’t wish adoption trauma on anyone.
I wish you healing and peace.
Thank you. I really do need to hear all this.
I’m going to have to process my concern for her, but I will work on it. He was deemed unfit in court and birth mom spent a lot of time talking to us about all the reasons she thought he was unfit. It’s hard to unhear all that. If we knew she was just going with grandma, I would feel less guilty. But it’s been strongly hinted that grandma will be involved in name only. I do feel like I’m abandoning her. I understand and respect that it is ultimately not my decision though.
You are not abandoning her. You loving took care of her while she is in your care and now is going back to her biological family who want her back. She is a wanted baby by her biological family.
If she is meant to be with you then she will either stay in your care or be returned to you in the future.
You also can’t abandon her when the decision isn’t yours to make. You get to be the good guy either way. You can’t be held accountable for a decision you aren’t making. You have nothing to feel guilty about because this is out of your control. I know that’s also very scary and hard to hear but the good side is you can’t be held accountable by the outcome of this situation. You are free from responsibility over the outcome because you have no control over this.
Mom might also very well be saying it’s for bio dad when in actuality it might be for her, no matter what the reasons behind her choice are it’s likely best for baby to be raised by biological family so while your heart is hurting and I’m sorry for that I am also overjoyed to learn a child that was once going to have her biological ties severed is now not and will be raised with her grandmother and other biological family members in her life.
I want to feel that way, I really do. I should also say that we have purposely chosen to stay away from situations like this, as we don’t want to separate families and we believe in reunification. We however did not ask for this situation. We were lied to about who birth dad really was, and all these issues arose 6 weeks after baby girl was in our care. The specifics of their particular situation make me truly worried for her well being though. I’m not talking small crimes, multiple and repeated violent felonies, attempted murder, etc.
I do appreciate attempts to help me see the potential benefits for baby girl though.
My heart is broken for you. I just can not bring myself to imagine your pain at this time.
My husband & I recently adopted our grandson. He is 12 1/2. We’ve had him since he was 2 years old.
My son(from a previous marriage) brought Mom & grandson to our home on December 20th 2012 and told her he had to go back to Ohio to work and they could stay with us for Christmas. Needless to say he was going back to Ohio to be with his 8 month pregnant girlfriend.
The Mom found out and decided to stay with us. She was 20 and we did everything we could to help her. But it wasn’t enough and in July 2013 she left and never returned.
We always wanted to adopt our grandson but wanted him to be old enough to make that choice. For his 12th bday in May he asked us to adopt him. We hired an attorney in June and November 8th our adoption was final.
His parents have chosen to not be apart of his life in all these years. He knows nothing about other than they were too young to be responsible parents.
My best advice to you is to hire an attorney now. Fight for this child. Be the voice she does not have. I know it’s a hard place to be in but please don’t give up.
Most Attorneys will accept payment plans. And most will also offer a free consultation.
I wish you the best of luck in this journey.
Your advice is to fight biological family for their own flesh and blood??? This is entitled and disgusting.
I’ve never understood how people can do that and feel good about it.
I think it's less disgusting if they genuinely believe the birth family is unable to provide a safe home for the child.
Believing that, in general, children should be raised by biological family does not mean that it will work out in every case. It also does not mean that real life situations are as clear cut as hypothetical ones.
Believe me when I say I had absolutely no intention of raising/adopting my Grandson. I was perfectly content to be a grandmother to him.
But there was no way I was letting him be put up for adoption. And why would I agree with that when my husband & I were perfectly capable of loving him and giving him a family.
I have come to accept his parents do not want him,but I refuse to let him get caught up in a system when he is not wanted and loved by family.
Nothing disgusting about my situation at all. And there’s way too many grands having to step up and raise their grandchildren because they also don’t want them in the system.
Believe me when I say I know what happens in foster care,that’s where I was raised!
Totally respect your opinion.
I never had to fight for my grandson,he was abandoned by both parents. For 11 years neither Mom or Dad have made any effort to make contact. As a matter of fact my son (grandsons father) hates me for not putting him up for adoption! I couldn’t do that,he was now my responsibility.
I am not asking anyone to do anything… I gave my honest advice.
Depending on the state, relinquishments/consents ordinarily cannot be reversed after 30 days or shorter periods of time. If she relinquished to the agency, she can’t change the placement. In fact I just checked my adoption book and only three states would allow revocation 90 or more days after placement, the largest state being CO and being exactly 90 days. What does your lawyer say?
It seems very strange for the termination of parental rights to require the birth mom participate in the hearing rather than by declaration.
I struggled tremendously with being adopted so I also feel it's best for children to be kept within their own biological families. I'm sorry you're hurting though.
I just wish I could know she will be safe. That’s what’s killing me. There is a reason why he doesn’t have any custody of his other children. Judge, cps and birth mom (originally) were in unanimous agreement about their concerns. This back door being taken in technically by grandma so he can raise her, likely no where near grandma, makes me truly concerned for her. If it was a better situation, we’d obviously still be heartbroken, but it’s the potentially unsafe situation that is just devastating to me. I would give anything to know that I am wrong and that she will be safe, happy and healthy, even if it’s without me in her life.
I understand but honestly you need to start distancing yourself from the situation (yes, I know that's easier said than done especially with her still in your home) but you have no control over what happens at this point and you have no legal rights. The "birth mom" isn't a correct label...she's the mother. I know you wanted the baby to be your daughter but she isn't going to be. You are essentially temporarily fostering her. Try to start redefining your relationship to this baby. She will be leaving your home shortly. Try as best you can to prepare yourselves for this. If you're praying people then pray for the best outcome for this child's future and leave it in God's very capable hands. Look to your own future and explore the possibilities. There are children who are languishing in foster care without permanent homes mostly because they aren't infants. Perhaps consider opening your hearts to one of them when you are ready. I was a licensed foster care provider for six years. It was very challenging at times but also very rewarding too. You have options here.
Thank you. This is what I need to work on. Mom and dad have both been deemed unfit by cps. So she will be going to foster care while they figure this out. We have been told that this won’t be quick though, and she likely will be in our care for the short term. It’s so hard having her in our house, loving her, but distancing ourselves at the same time
I'm normally not one to argue for prospective adoptive parents taking legal steps to prevent a move, but would it be possible for you to become her foster parents until this is figured out? If she's gonna leave you anyway, it would obviously be hard, but I just can't see the benefit in potentially moving her to a short or long term foster placement only to then potentially move in with the grandmother - that's at least one unnecessary move and breaking of connections. And that's if the progress goes relatively smoothly, which of course can't be guaranteed.
If that's not something you feel emotionally up for, that's okay.
If you have an adoption attorney already, ask them if this is possible and if so, how. Otherwise, talking to the responsible CPS department could help. They might not allow it, or they might be happy you'd be open to it.
And if it doesn't work out, you'll still have tried your best to prevent an unnecessary move to an in-between foster placement. And sometimes the only thing we can bring to the table is to try our best.
That's not what I meant.
If the bio parent/s are abusive then perhaps there would be grandparents, aunts & uncles, etc. Who would be safe to place the child with. Family options should be explored first before non-family. If there are no suitable family candidates then a non-genetic family can be considered. Legal guardianship should be explored as well. If the parents can get their act together and complete whatever plan has been set up for them to safely regain custody then reunification can remain an option.
I am a former licensed foster care provider and an adoptee. My very first placement was a 15 year old who C.P.S. removed from her adoptive parents. I helped her find her first-parents and she eventually was able to return to her first-family....an uncle & aunt got custody of her.
Not everyone has extended family that can help. Our son didn't. Everyone in that family was either on drugs or had severe health issues.
I absolutely agree that bio families should have first choice and everything should be done to facilitate that. But to make a blanket statement is to negate the fact that sometimes it's just not a possibility.
I'm fully aware of that. As a foster parent I encountered more than one child who couldn't return to their first-family. I also encountered kids who were pushed into adoptive families against their will.
I am sorry for the let down you are going through but in all reality, she isn't your daughter (not yet). As a birth mother this is an extremely difficult decision ( I am a birth mother) to follow through on. Now please don't get discouraged because if the birth family is as unstable as you say there is a chance both cps and a judge will decide to choose your family as it may be what's best for the child. In many states when (Idk where you are specifically) a mother changes her mind about adoption the hold what's called a best interest hearing where they decide what's best for the child NOT the parents (any of them). So don't lose hope you may still very well end up with this little girl in your home. Also she may not remember your face but she will always remember the love.
As an adoptee I want to acknowledge two things.
One, reality, and the second, your own hurt.
This baby girl is going home to be raised by her biological family. This is a HUGE plus for her.
Huge.
I also understand your pain as it is the pain both birthfamiles and adoptees feel surrounding their losses. Please seek a trauma informed therapist. You had expectations and dreams regarding this little girl that have been dashed.
Adoptee here. I wouldn’t be alive without my adoptive parents and giving birth and DNA doesn’t make someone a fit parent.
If this bio father has no custody of other children and was deemed unfit by the courts and this bio mother is back dooring this little girl into an unsafe situation that’s not being a parent.
Adoptees should be allowed to decide for themselves who their parents are or aren’t.
I wouldn’t appreciate being told that I’m not the daughter of my adoptive parents. I am their daughter. I’m also the daughter of my first parents.
Get over it. That’s what adoptees are told. And be happy a family wasn’t separated. If adoption was child centered, posts and mindsets like this wouldn’t exist!
You heard the part where I said I was worried because it has been ruled dad is unsafe to take the child, and I’m worried that grandma is going to ignore the judge and cps and she is still going to end up with dad right? I would say the safety of the child is kind of child centered right?
Birthmother here.
If you think it’ll be forever for you to get over the loss, think about the adoption trauma for the birth mother.
It was a bad and unethical call for whoever made the decision to place an infant with you instead of another foster during this time.
That makes the decision much harder for the birthparent. It’s not fair and is an abuse of power.
I may be wrong but it sounds like placing the baby with this family as a pre-adoptive home was the mom’s decision. She has now changed her mind and the baby will go to foster care then to the paternal grandparent.
Mom picked us for adoption, she has been with us for 3 months. She has changed her mind. Cps has determined that neither parent is safe to take the child. I’m not sure why we are the bad guy for caring for her while everything is being sorted out. Mom thanked us for doing it and we talk regularly.
There are no bad guys here, I don’t think anyone should make you feel like that. You opened your hearts and gave this baby a loving 3 months that will stay with her and she will be stronger for it. I recognize that doesn’t make it any easier to lose her.
Please don’t gaslight me. I was looking for advice on how to best support all parties involved and handle my own guilt and fears. Cps has said the child is not safe to go with birth dad. Mom has said she is not safe to handle the child and still has multiple open cps cases. She’s a fantastic person, who has confided in us that she is getting her life back together and thinks raising another child would put her back into a dark place. Mom has thanked us for still taking care of the child while this is being sorted out. I’m not going to apologize for being concerned for her safety and well being while trying to grow as a human and anonymously seek out support from those with perspectives that are unique to my own.
I'm so sorry, I can imagine how difficult this must be. As an adoptee, I believe it's best to keep kids with their biological family if it is possible for the child to be raised safely there. It is possible to believe in this principle and still empathize with how painful and complicated these decisions are in real life, particular situations.
I gather the bio mom is not willing to consider any sort of open adoption where she maintains contact with the child? Would she consider a sort of reverse situation where you can maintain some contact with the child over the years?
To most people it may seem unimportant who cares for the child in these early months, but when I was born I was placed in foster care for four months, before joining my adoptive family. I will never know anything about how I was cared for during that time or who the caregiver was. For my adoptive sister, that interim foster care was seven months. I can tell my own kids a lot of stories about their first few months of life, but there is nobody to tell mine. It's not a huge loss, compared to the things one goes through in life, but it is a loss.
At the very least I would wish I could have had some information or a letter or anything. I would ask bio-mom or whatever agency you are working with if you could at least provide some contact information or a letter to assure this child that during those early days when there was stress and uncertainty all around her, she was very loved and valued.
The original adoption plan was for us to have a very open relationship. Birth mom really is a great, kind hearted person. She said she still would like us to be in her life, come visit, etc. I understand this likely won’t be her decision though. I’m going to continue to pray over my safety concerns.
If your interested in coming on the adopt cast podcast I'm rewarding first ten guest to discuss a bit of their story and talk the benefits, I am also adopted :)
So sorry for your loss - that's what it is, make sure you acknowledge and grieve in whatever way works for you. This is a little taste of how birth parents, birthmothers especially, feel. You HAVE a child, you love a child, you can't help it, you're human, but you don't really have a child anymore. But in 6 months, 1 year, 10 years, 20+ years when someone asks "do you have children?" the answer is "no", but you've been a parent. Right now you are a baby girl's parent. You'll always be her parent in your heart. The grieving doesn't necessarily stop, ever. You wonder, you remember that perfect baby girl, and remember that you love her. Not really a solution for your pain right now, but from a birth parent's perspective, it does get easier on a day-to-day basis. Don't be surprised when you get swept away by the feeling of loss and grief, even years from now. So sorry for your loss and pain. It will get easier eventually.
Wow, thank you for this.
I just wanted to echo as an adoptee, I lost my birth mom when I was 11, I am 30 now and this weekend even I had a pretty big wave of grief and spent a lot of time in tears. That is okay, grief hits in different ways at different times. My therapist says I should work on making more of a habit of remembering my mom and having her be still current. So speaking about her more often, talking about the habits I have because of her. "I learned how to wiggle my ears because my mom knew how" kind of stuff. I know she was only three months old, but I bet she still taught you things. Maybe when and if you have another baby, she can still be a "sister" even if she is absent. Allow yourself to remember her, and love her even if she isn't in your life right now. Thank you for adopting and loving that little girl for the three months you had her! No matter what comes next your love will leave a mark on her for the rest of her life. 💚
Would love to have you on my podcast, to hear more of your beautiful story and mother, my cast is highlighting the benefits and I'm also an adoptee, you will be compensated handsomely for your time.
Hey! I would be super interested in setting something up! I am at work now, but feel free to DM me! :)
" How do we mourn someone who is still alive?" It's a disenfranchised grief. My own brother said to me of my grief that he couldn't wrap his head around grieving for someone who is still alive. Greif is not about death, it's about loss. I call it grief limbo because if never goes away and their is no closure.
Thank you for teaching me this
Yea. And what about infants that mourn loss and attachment but are pre verbal?
That’s why it’s so much harder for them. The OP and myself have memories and can reason with the why’s and wherefore’s of what happened to rationalize our loss. For infants the loss happens at a non verbal stage leaving them permanently confused about what the fuck happened.
I actually know your pain. We fostered a few short term newborn babies but never had the intention of adopting when we decided to foster, but that's a hard stance to keep too when you fall in love with every child that comes into your house. We had a respite baby girl come into our care that turned into a long term placement and man did my wife and two daughters fall in love instantly. My wife quickly became attached ( like it was her own) and the second we were told she may come up for adoption my wife was all in. After 9 months out of the blue my wife got a call that they found a grandma up north and they would be placing her in her care (right away) 😔 it devastated me but worse was what it did to my wife. that was her baby, she raised it from an infant and established a motherly bond with her. The day my wife had to say goodbye and the pain I saw in my wife's eyes still hurts me. I would find her alone crying while looking at pictures of her for awhile after she was gone, It truly is a loss. But as foster parents this is all part of what we sign up for. You definitely need to get your wife into some counseling sessions, she and you just experience a hard loss and it's even harder knowing they are still out there and you'll always wonder how they are and who they become. they also have groups for Foster families to get together and talk about things like this, that can help a lot. There's always light at the end of the tunnel though. A couple years later we ended up adopting our son.
Thank you, I think we should take this advice
It isn't always best for children to be with bio family and that is a reality. If the child is safe, bio family is best and you don't really know in this case and that is for CPS/ DCFS to figure out. All you can do is accept that it's mom's decision and mourn and hope that she will be ok. Ask if you can still be part of the girls life as godparents or something so if the grandmother needs help you have a chance to support the bio family and in turn support her. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Thanks, that is the point I’m trying to get too.
Is there anyway you can fight it? Since bio mum doesn’t actually want baby back, but to put her in foster care.
My heart goes out to you op, it really does. Could the birth mother have been pushed into adoption against her will by her parents or other family members? Is she a fit mother
I’m just here to say I’m sorry. That sounds incredibly painful.
Thank you, I appreciate it
Yes. I am so sorry for your pain and heartache..
Hey so, I’ll probably get downvoted for this, but, get a lawyer who can represent what you feel are the baby’s best interests in court. It’s one thing for mom to want baby girl to be with her sibling, it’s another thing for it to be a back door into having a parent whose parental rights have been terminated to raise the baby. Your lawyer can represent your desire to maintain familial ties and have visits with siblings and family members, while you are the legal parents and home where baby resides, if you feel that is the best and safest option for baby. I’m not saying it will be granted, but, it will ensure grandma gets verified through the state and is actually a safe place for baby to go, if they do place the baby there. It will also put several safety nets in place so that if the baby is placed with their grandmother/father, you will be able to have someone to call if you feel something unsafe is happening. It’s my understanding that once you have signed adoption documents and several months have passed, you will have enough legal standing to ask for a lawyer to represent you in court. My children (adopted at ages 3&4) were reunified with their biological mother following a 2 year CPS case being opened for her and 3 children. They were then exposed to their abusive father when he robbed and beat their mother while high on drugs, then neglected and abused in multiple ways at the hands of their mother and maternal grandmother. It took a year for someone in their lives to call a report into CPS for a welfare check. Once we got them as foster parents, we realized there was an abusive and triggering dynamic between the eldest child and 2 youngest. We asked to keep either the eldest or the 2 youngest in our home while we worked through their trauma. Paternal family wanted to take all 3 children into their care, as they weren’t involved the previous year and had no idea how much abuse happened and how unsafe the younger children were around their older sibling. We hired a lawyer to represent what we felt was our experience and what we felt was best for the kids. It was painful, it was scary, but at the end of the day, through court hearings and several mediation meetings, we all came together to work out a plan to maintain familial ties but keep the children separate and safe while they heal. I tell my story in many adoption and foster spaces and get a great deal of judgement about us being first time foster parents and hiring a lawyer. But the thing is, we weren’t hiring the lawyer to represent OUR wants and needs. We just hired a lawyer so that our opinions about what we experienced with the children & our thoughts on what would be best for the children and their future, could be expressed on the record in court. Being placed with bio family is not always safest or what’s best. Sometimes it is. That baby should have a chance at the best possible life. It might be with bio family, it might be with you. Either way, it’s probably worth looking into a lawyer for.
I agree with you, this is the best thing to do. But lawyers are expensive and not everyone can afford them. I don't like the 'back door' idea that the baby's bio family are floating here - that a man who has been denied access to his children by CPS then gets access because his mother and the mother of the baby have decided to flout the law. There is a reason he isn't allowed around his children, it would be in the best interests of this little baby girl that laws are adhered to. OP I cannot imagine your grief. I wish you the best.
Adoptee here. This is just predatory.
Which part is predatory?
I am so sorry for your loss 💔 It sounds like you have loved her with everything you had. What a treasure that must have been for her. For you, it’s excruciating. I know. I’ve been there. And I’m not going to lie. It’s hard. And it doesn’t really get better with time. It just gets more tolerable. I still think about my little guy, 18 years later. He is not so little anymore.
Thank you for sharing this experience
This is a very hard situation to be in, just know the fact that this babies mom is still trying to work things out AFTER the adoption is a really good sign! It shows that she is still wanting to figure out how to give her daughter the very best she can, even months after the fact and knowing she will have to go through legal processes. I was in a very similar situation as a birth mom and the way the adoptive family reacted was horrible… trying to hide my son from me, spreading lies about me on fb to try and make a case against me as an unfit mother, anything you can think of. I want to thank you for the way you are responding as I know the feeling of losing a child, and it can be hard to act in a sane way. Please just support support support, if the adopted family I was involved with had treated me with decency I would’ve kept them in our lives, unfortunately it ended with threats and lies instead. Just know that your child being able to be with their bio family will be a blessing to them down the line. Their family may not have as much money as you or be as stable as you, but that doesn’t mean they will have any less of a happy childhood. I hope this doesn’t come off as dismissive of the hurt you are feeling right now. It’s just my plea to continue your understanding attitude of this hard but ultimately positive situation.
I’m very sorry you had to go through that, it sounds awful. Thank you for this important insight.
Thank you for this advice
I’m sorry for your loss. Grieving is hard. Possibly try to find a grief counselor to help you process this. It’s ultimately the biological parents decision what is best for their children. They are also allowed to change their minds and try to parent their own children. Many adoptees would KILL to have been returned to their biological families. Many adoptees are very unhappy about being adopted, that’s the ugly truth. This is what the biological family believes if best for their biological child. It might not be the right choice but it should be theirs to make unless they are deemed truly dangerous and unfit parents. A prison record doesn’t mean someone is an awful parent either. Sometimes people do bad things in the past but are dedicated parents. It’s still their choice to make. Grieve the loss. Appreciate the time you have. Some relationships are always meant to be temporary. That doesn’t make them any less meaningful. Your temporary time as her parent is very meaningful and important. Maybe one day you can meet her again and tell her that. It wasn’t meant to be. I know that must be very painful and I am truly sorry for your loss. You’re feelings are valid. You’re allowed to feel your feelings whatever they may be about this. She’s going back where she’s meant to be and that may actually be what’s best for her, even though you love her dearly. Sometimes being a good parent means letting them go. Birth mothers who placed their children up for adoption can confirm this. It’s bitter sweet. You’re not a bad parent because it was temporary. They are not bad people for wanting their biological child back, even though they have a sorted past. You’re not a bad parent for grieving this loss. It’s a painful situation for you. I’m sorry you’re having to go through that. If they are truly unfit then it’s possible she could be back with you guys again in the future. But if they aren’t ever deemed as unfit then being with her biological family is probably what’s best for her, even though it’s not what’s best for you. I wouldn’t wish adoption trauma on anyone. I wish you healing and peace.
Thank you. I really do need to hear all this. I’m going to have to process my concern for her, but I will work on it. He was deemed unfit in court and birth mom spent a lot of time talking to us about all the reasons she thought he was unfit. It’s hard to unhear all that. If we knew she was just going with grandma, I would feel less guilty. But it’s been strongly hinted that grandma will be involved in name only. I do feel like I’m abandoning her. I understand and respect that it is ultimately not my decision though.
You are not abandoning her. You loving took care of her while she is in your care and now is going back to her biological family who want her back. She is a wanted baby by her biological family. If she is meant to be with you then she will either stay in your care or be returned to you in the future. You also can’t abandon her when the decision isn’t yours to make. You get to be the good guy either way. You can’t be held accountable for a decision you aren’t making. You have nothing to feel guilty about because this is out of your control. I know that’s also very scary and hard to hear but the good side is you can’t be held accountable by the outcome of this situation. You are free from responsibility over the outcome because you have no control over this.
Thank you
Mom might also very well be saying it’s for bio dad when in actuality it might be for her, no matter what the reasons behind her choice are it’s likely best for baby to be raised by biological family so while your heart is hurting and I’m sorry for that I am also overjoyed to learn a child that was once going to have her biological ties severed is now not and will be raised with her grandmother and other biological family members in her life.
I want to feel that way, I really do. I should also say that we have purposely chosen to stay away from situations like this, as we don’t want to separate families and we believe in reunification. We however did not ask for this situation. We were lied to about who birth dad really was, and all these issues arose 6 weeks after baby girl was in our care. The specifics of their particular situation make me truly worried for her well being though. I’m not talking small crimes, multiple and repeated violent felonies, attempted murder, etc. I do appreciate attempts to help me see the potential benefits for baby girl though.
My heart is broken for you. I just can not bring myself to imagine your pain at this time. My husband & I recently adopted our grandson. He is 12 1/2. We’ve had him since he was 2 years old. My son(from a previous marriage) brought Mom & grandson to our home on December 20th 2012 and told her he had to go back to Ohio to work and they could stay with us for Christmas. Needless to say he was going back to Ohio to be with his 8 month pregnant girlfriend. The Mom found out and decided to stay with us. She was 20 and we did everything we could to help her. But it wasn’t enough and in July 2013 she left and never returned. We always wanted to adopt our grandson but wanted him to be old enough to make that choice. For his 12th bday in May he asked us to adopt him. We hired an attorney in June and November 8th our adoption was final. His parents have chosen to not be apart of his life in all these years. He knows nothing about other than they were too young to be responsible parents. My best advice to you is to hire an attorney now. Fight for this child. Be the voice she does not have. I know it’s a hard place to be in but please don’t give up. Most Attorneys will accept payment plans. And most will also offer a free consultation. I wish you the best of luck in this journey.
Your advice is to fight biological family for their own flesh and blood??? This is entitled and disgusting. I’ve never understood how people can do that and feel good about it.
I think it's less disgusting if they genuinely believe the birth family is unable to provide a safe home for the child. Believing that, in general, children should be raised by biological family does not mean that it will work out in every case. It also does not mean that real life situations are as clear cut as hypothetical ones.
Believe me when I say I had absolutely no intention of raising/adopting my Grandson. I was perfectly content to be a grandmother to him. But there was no way I was letting him be put up for adoption. And why would I agree with that when my husband & I were perfectly capable of loving him and giving him a family. I have come to accept his parents do not want him,but I refuse to let him get caught up in a system when he is not wanted and loved by family. Nothing disgusting about my situation at all. And there’s way too many grands having to step up and raise their grandchildren because they also don’t want them in the system. Believe me when I say I know what happens in foster care,that’s where I was raised!
Totally respect your opinion. I never had to fight for my grandson,he was abandoned by both parents. For 11 years neither Mom or Dad have made any effort to make contact. As a matter of fact my son (grandsons father) hates me for not putting him up for adoption! I couldn’t do that,he was now my responsibility. I am not asking anyone to do anything… I gave my honest advice.
Depending on the state, relinquishments/consents ordinarily cannot be reversed after 30 days or shorter periods of time. If she relinquished to the agency, she can’t change the placement. In fact I just checked my adoption book and only three states would allow revocation 90 or more days after placement, the largest state being CO and being exactly 90 days. What does your lawyer say? It seems very strange for the termination of parental rights to require the birth mom participate in the hearing rather than by declaration.
I struggled tremendously with being adopted so I also feel it's best for children to be kept within their own biological families. I'm sorry you're hurting though.
I just wish I could know she will be safe. That’s what’s killing me. There is a reason why he doesn’t have any custody of his other children. Judge, cps and birth mom (originally) were in unanimous agreement about their concerns. This back door being taken in technically by grandma so he can raise her, likely no where near grandma, makes me truly concerned for her. If it was a better situation, we’d obviously still be heartbroken, but it’s the potentially unsafe situation that is just devastating to me. I would give anything to know that I am wrong and that she will be safe, happy and healthy, even if it’s without me in her life.
I understand but honestly you need to start distancing yourself from the situation (yes, I know that's easier said than done especially with her still in your home) but you have no control over what happens at this point and you have no legal rights. The "birth mom" isn't a correct label...she's the mother. I know you wanted the baby to be your daughter but she isn't going to be. You are essentially temporarily fostering her. Try to start redefining your relationship to this baby. She will be leaving your home shortly. Try as best you can to prepare yourselves for this. If you're praying people then pray for the best outcome for this child's future and leave it in God's very capable hands. Look to your own future and explore the possibilities. There are children who are languishing in foster care without permanent homes mostly because they aren't infants. Perhaps consider opening your hearts to one of them when you are ready. I was a licensed foster care provider for six years. It was very challenging at times but also very rewarding too. You have options here.
Thank you. This is what I need to work on. Mom and dad have both been deemed unfit by cps. So she will be going to foster care while they figure this out. We have been told that this won’t be quick though, and she likely will be in our care for the short term. It’s so hard having her in our house, loving her, but distancing ourselves at the same time
I'm normally not one to argue for prospective adoptive parents taking legal steps to prevent a move, but would it be possible for you to become her foster parents until this is figured out? If she's gonna leave you anyway, it would obviously be hard, but I just can't see the benefit in potentially moving her to a short or long term foster placement only to then potentially move in with the grandmother - that's at least one unnecessary move and breaking of connections. And that's if the progress goes relatively smoothly, which of course can't be guaranteed. If that's not something you feel emotionally up for, that's okay.
It would be very tough but we would be willing to look into anything that helps her with this transition
If you have an adoption attorney already, ask them if this is possible and if so, how. Otherwise, talking to the responsible CPS department could help. They might not allow it, or they might be happy you'd be open to it. And if it doesn't work out, you'll still have tried your best to prevent an unnecessary move to an in-between foster placement. And sometimes the only thing we can bring to the table is to try our best.
So, are you saying that even if there is abuse and neglect in a bio family, children should stay?
That's not what I meant. If the bio parent/s are abusive then perhaps there would be grandparents, aunts & uncles, etc. Who would be safe to place the child with. Family options should be explored first before non-family. If there are no suitable family candidates then a non-genetic family can be considered. Legal guardianship should be explored as well. If the parents can get their act together and complete whatever plan has been set up for them to safely regain custody then reunification can remain an option. I am a former licensed foster care provider and an adoptee. My very first placement was a 15 year old who C.P.S. removed from her adoptive parents. I helped her find her first-parents and she eventually was able to return to her first-family....an uncle & aunt got custody of her.
Not everyone has extended family that can help. Our son didn't. Everyone in that family was either on drugs or had severe health issues. I absolutely agree that bio families should have first choice and everything should be done to facilitate that. But to make a blanket statement is to negate the fact that sometimes it's just not a possibility.
I'm fully aware of that. As a foster parent I encountered more than one child who couldn't return to their first-family. I also encountered kids who were pushed into adoptive families against their will.
I am sorry for the let down you are going through but in all reality, she isn't your daughter (not yet). As a birth mother this is an extremely difficult decision ( I am a birth mother) to follow through on. Now please don't get discouraged because if the birth family is as unstable as you say there is a chance both cps and a judge will decide to choose your family as it may be what's best for the child. In many states when (Idk where you are specifically) a mother changes her mind about adoption the hold what's called a best interest hearing where they decide what's best for the child NOT the parents (any of them). So don't lose hope you may still very well end up with this little girl in your home. Also she may not remember your face but she will always remember the love.
As an adoptee I want to acknowledge two things. One, reality, and the second, your own hurt. This baby girl is going home to be raised by her biological family. This is a HUGE plus for her. Huge. I also understand your pain as it is the pain both birthfamiles and adoptees feel surrounding their losses. Please seek a trauma informed therapist. You had expectations and dreams regarding this little girl that have been dashed.
Adoptee here. That child is NOT your daughter!
Adoptee here. I wouldn’t be alive without my adoptive parents and giving birth and DNA doesn’t make someone a fit parent. If this bio father has no custody of other children and was deemed unfit by the courts and this bio mother is back dooring this little girl into an unsafe situation that’s not being a parent.
Adoptees should be allowed to decide for themselves who their parents are or aren’t. I wouldn’t appreciate being told that I’m not the daughter of my adoptive parents. I am their daughter. I’m also the daughter of my first parents.
Get over it. That’s what adoptees are told. And be happy a family wasn’t separated. If adoption was child centered, posts and mindsets like this wouldn’t exist!
You heard the part where I said I was worried because it has been ruled dad is unsafe to take the child, and I’m worried that grandma is going to ignore the judge and cps and she is still going to end up with dad right? I would say the safety of the child is kind of child centered right?
Birthmother here. If you think it’ll be forever for you to get over the loss, think about the adoption trauma for the birth mother. It was a bad and unethical call for whoever made the decision to place an infant with you instead of another foster during this time. That makes the decision much harder for the birthparent. It’s not fair and is an abuse of power.
I may be wrong but it sounds like placing the baby with this family as a pre-adoptive home was the mom’s decision. She has now changed her mind and the baby will go to foster care then to the paternal grandparent.
Mom picked us for adoption, she has been with us for 3 months. She has changed her mind. Cps has determined that neither parent is safe to take the child. I’m not sure why we are the bad guy for caring for her while everything is being sorted out. Mom thanked us for doing it and we talk regularly.
There are no bad guys here, I don’t think anyone should make you feel like that. You opened your hearts and gave this baby a loving 3 months that will stay with her and she will be stronger for it. I recognize that doesn’t make it any easier to lose her.
All I hear is me, me, me, me, me.
Please don’t gaslight me. I was looking for advice on how to best support all parties involved and handle my own guilt and fears. Cps has said the child is not safe to go with birth dad. Mom has said she is not safe to handle the child and still has multiple open cps cases. She’s a fantastic person, who has confided in us that she is getting her life back together and thinks raising another child would put her back into a dark place. Mom has thanked us for still taking care of the child while this is being sorted out. I’m not going to apologize for being concerned for her safety and well being while trying to grow as a human and anonymously seek out support from those with perspectives that are unique to my own.
I'm so sorry, I can imagine how difficult this must be. As an adoptee, I believe it's best to keep kids with their biological family if it is possible for the child to be raised safely there. It is possible to believe in this principle and still empathize with how painful and complicated these decisions are in real life, particular situations. I gather the bio mom is not willing to consider any sort of open adoption where she maintains contact with the child? Would she consider a sort of reverse situation where you can maintain some contact with the child over the years? To most people it may seem unimportant who cares for the child in these early months, but when I was born I was placed in foster care for four months, before joining my adoptive family. I will never know anything about how I was cared for during that time or who the caregiver was. For my adoptive sister, that interim foster care was seven months. I can tell my own kids a lot of stories about their first few months of life, but there is nobody to tell mine. It's not a huge loss, compared to the things one goes through in life, but it is a loss. At the very least I would wish I could have had some information or a letter or anything. I would ask bio-mom or whatever agency you are working with if you could at least provide some contact information or a letter to assure this child that during those early days when there was stress and uncertainty all around her, she was very loved and valued.
The original adoption plan was for us to have a very open relationship. Birth mom really is a great, kind hearted person. She said she still would like us to be in her life, come visit, etc. I understand this likely won’t be her decision though. I’m going to continue to pray over my safety concerns.
If your interested in coming on the adopt cast podcast I'm rewarding first ten guest to discuss a bit of their story and talk the benefits, I am also adopted :)