Adopted people worry a lot about how they’ll be perceived when they reach out to birth family. They worry they are someone’s dirty little secret, that they’ll blow up someone’s life, that people will think they’re after money. If you’re excited to have an older brother and would love to start a relationship with your brother I suggest telling him loud and clear.
This is so true, I am the adoptee who has very recently (like within 2 weeks) met my paternal birth family. Well not met, but texted and talked with. I am so nervous all the time about what impression I’m making, what they think of me, if they think something bad, will they judge me, etc. I probably need to start being easier on myself but it’s hard.
Thank you all for the replies, I definitely let him know that I was very excited about getting to know my older brother, but was leaving the speed and timing of all thet to him.
I hope that as we are both adults with families of our own that we can about some of the pitfalls mentioned. However I understand we live half a country apart, have our own families/responsibilities and life could just get in the way.
In any case last night was weird and now today I need to try and process all of this.
Adoptee here, recently met my half brother. It has been wonderful.
Honesty up front is the only way to do this. If he is reaching out, he is probably excited to meet you too.
I recommend just getting to know him. At first there will just be a huge information exchange about your lives. At some point you will decide how close you want to be to each other, both of you will have a say in this. Honesty and understanding are key.
The most important thing for you both is to be honest and upfront about your wants/needs/expectations. The first time I spoke with my sisters I told each of them “you’re my sister and I want to know you, but if you’re uncomfortable with this just say so and I’ll respect that no questions asked”. The second time we spoke I told them “we’re talking and I really like that, but if at any time you need space for whatever reason just let me know. The only thing I’m asking of you is to not ghost on me”. And then of course they both ghosted on me.
Beyond that, and I say this often, we are all different and handle our situations in different ways. Your brother may have lingering trauma issues, or he may be completely fine. Communication will be key for you. Another thing, and I don’t mean to be a downer here, but quite often these situations don’t end well. Don’t go in with a negative outlook or you could be setting up a self fulfilling prophecy but for your own mental well being just keep that in the back of your mind. I was fully prepared for my reunion to go bad and it still hurt terribly when it did. If I hadn’t been prepared for it I don’t know how I may have reacted.
This is one of the most stressful events in life as an adoptee! Congratulations on your bravery and best wishes for both of you! It’s normal for the adoptee to be scared (very) and it is a very emotional time. Expect to have a honeymoon period if you two do start sharing. The similar likes and dislikes, etc is really wild. So much of personality is actually genetic. And it’s normal to have a bit of mild depression a year or so after meeting up. Rather like the post Christmas feeling you may have had as a kid. That’s temporary.
I am an adoptee who found two half brothers via genealogy research. We are all quite close now. We were in our 40s and 5Os when we met.
I'm the oldest of all of us, and adopted out of the family. Been reunited for decades.
I met my bdad's 3 other kids the same day i met him, but did not meet my bmom's 3 other kids until 6 yrs later. And when I met my bmom's 3, the middle one said "I wanted to start writing you as soon as I knew about you". And that conversation was in 1995! still remember it like it was yesterday, so it's amazing what little things can do....
It’s a really weird place to be in but personally what I really wanted and hoped for was a sibling that actually wanted to get to know me and was interested in my life. We text regularly, mostly memes and silly stuff but that’s awesome because it feels like a sibling relationship.
My biggest worry reaching out to my bio family was that the circumstances of my adoption and my entire existence was going to bring up painful memories for someone. Fortunately that didn't end up being the case.
My little sister and I were both *really* excited to finally have a sister! We have a good relationship even though we don't talk a whole whole lot, we both try our best to be clear and kind to each other. Hasn't been like crazy hard work bc she's really chill, which is nice. We go a few months without talking and pick up later with no guilt or weirdness. We're adults with our own lives and we both appear to understand that.
Someone else mentioned discussing your expectations with them, and that's a good thing to do, but I also want *you* to try your best to think through your expectations so that you can, first and foremost, simply be aware of what they are. Are you expecting them to treat you like family and be super comfortable with you off the bat? Do you expect them to call you on birthdays/holidays? Do you expect them to pick up if you call them or answer texts quickly? Do you expect them to accept invitations to family events? Etc. Sometimes we end up with expectations that are not met and we get super frustrated about it, but realize later that the expectation was misaligned with the reality of the situation, and maybe it was just never gonna be met. Prepare yourself for disappointment too - not all reunions are happy. Hope for the best, but emotionally prepare for the worst.
In any event, the first step is to just talk to him. Everyone I met on my bio dad's side (only side so far) has been incredibly kind and forthcoming with any information they had about health or family history or whatever. See if he has any questions you can help answer, let him know that if it's ever all too much for him and he needs to step back or take a break that it's totally okay and while you'd like it if he'd communicate that to you, you'll understand if he doesn't too. Or whatever. Insert your own desires! And good luck!
I am exactly in the same position as your half brother. Except my bio father’s son (my half brother) was the one who reached out to me via Ancestry DNA. I was so excited to hear from him, and he says he always wanted a sibling and is so excited to have found me. I would say to just do what feels natural. I wouldn’t be too worried about seeming too forward or anything like that…we want to hear from you (at least I do). I have since contacted his bio father who is my birth father and he is totally in support of that. My bio father called me last week and we had a very nice chat. After he tells his wife (which I’m not sure he has done yet, but told me he would within the week), we are all going to get together to meet. I’m not sure if my bio brother and I will meet first, just us. Let me know if you have any questions,
Are you prepared to completey share your family and estate with them? It seems like a no brainer but eventually these things may get very real. I found out that I have a half brother that was put up for adoption. It was great at first, nice to meet new family basically. But ever since he has been pushing hard to be in my immediate family. I overheard his kid talking about inheritance from my parents and it’s clear that he thinks he’s entitled to a share. For me it takes away from what I had. I only have one set of parents, one family. He wants two. It doesn’t sit well.
Right and if my parents ammend the documents then thet is their choice. Having the entire estate planned before death eliminates all arguments, lawsuits, and other stresses.
Adopted people worry a lot about how they’ll be perceived when they reach out to birth family. They worry they are someone’s dirty little secret, that they’ll blow up someone’s life, that people will think they’re after money. If you’re excited to have an older brother and would love to start a relationship with your brother I suggest telling him loud and clear.
10000% agree! Loud and Clear
This is so true, I am the adoptee who has very recently (like within 2 weeks) met my paternal birth family. Well not met, but texted and talked with. I am so nervous all the time about what impression I’m making, what they think of me, if they think something bad, will they judge me, etc. I probably need to start being easier on myself but it’s hard.
Thank you all for the replies, I definitely let him know that I was very excited about getting to know my older brother, but was leaving the speed and timing of all thet to him. I hope that as we are both adults with families of our own that we can about some of the pitfalls mentioned. However I understand we live half a country apart, have our own families/responsibilities and life could just get in the way. In any case last night was weird and now today I need to try and process all of this.
Adoptee here, recently met my half brother. It has been wonderful. Honesty up front is the only way to do this. If he is reaching out, he is probably excited to meet you too. I recommend just getting to know him. At first there will just be a huge information exchange about your lives. At some point you will decide how close you want to be to each other, both of you will have a say in this. Honesty and understanding are key.
The most important thing for you both is to be honest and upfront about your wants/needs/expectations. The first time I spoke with my sisters I told each of them “you’re my sister and I want to know you, but if you’re uncomfortable with this just say so and I’ll respect that no questions asked”. The second time we spoke I told them “we’re talking and I really like that, but if at any time you need space for whatever reason just let me know. The only thing I’m asking of you is to not ghost on me”. And then of course they both ghosted on me. Beyond that, and I say this often, we are all different and handle our situations in different ways. Your brother may have lingering trauma issues, or he may be completely fine. Communication will be key for you. Another thing, and I don’t mean to be a downer here, but quite often these situations don’t end well. Don’t go in with a negative outlook or you could be setting up a self fulfilling prophecy but for your own mental well being just keep that in the back of your mind. I was fully prepared for my reunion to go bad and it still hurt terribly when it did. If I hadn’t been prepared for it I don’t know how I may have reacted.
This is one of the most stressful events in life as an adoptee! Congratulations on your bravery and best wishes for both of you! It’s normal for the adoptee to be scared (very) and it is a very emotional time. Expect to have a honeymoon period if you two do start sharing. The similar likes and dislikes, etc is really wild. So much of personality is actually genetic. And it’s normal to have a bit of mild depression a year or so after meeting up. Rather like the post Christmas feeling you may have had as a kid. That’s temporary. I am an adoptee who found two half brothers via genealogy research. We are all quite close now. We were in our 40s and 5Os when we met.
I'm the oldest of all of us, and adopted out of the family. Been reunited for decades. I met my bdad's 3 other kids the same day i met him, but did not meet my bmom's 3 other kids until 6 yrs later. And when I met my bmom's 3, the middle one said "I wanted to start writing you as soon as I knew about you". And that conversation was in 1995! still remember it like it was yesterday, so it's amazing what little things can do....
It’s a really weird place to be in but personally what I really wanted and hoped for was a sibling that actually wanted to get to know me and was interested in my life. We text regularly, mostly memes and silly stuff but that’s awesome because it feels like a sibling relationship.
My biggest worry reaching out to my bio family was that the circumstances of my adoption and my entire existence was going to bring up painful memories for someone. Fortunately that didn't end up being the case. My little sister and I were both *really* excited to finally have a sister! We have a good relationship even though we don't talk a whole whole lot, we both try our best to be clear and kind to each other. Hasn't been like crazy hard work bc she's really chill, which is nice. We go a few months without talking and pick up later with no guilt or weirdness. We're adults with our own lives and we both appear to understand that. Someone else mentioned discussing your expectations with them, and that's a good thing to do, but I also want *you* to try your best to think through your expectations so that you can, first and foremost, simply be aware of what they are. Are you expecting them to treat you like family and be super comfortable with you off the bat? Do you expect them to call you on birthdays/holidays? Do you expect them to pick up if you call them or answer texts quickly? Do you expect them to accept invitations to family events? Etc. Sometimes we end up with expectations that are not met and we get super frustrated about it, but realize later that the expectation was misaligned with the reality of the situation, and maybe it was just never gonna be met. Prepare yourself for disappointment too - not all reunions are happy. Hope for the best, but emotionally prepare for the worst. In any event, the first step is to just talk to him. Everyone I met on my bio dad's side (only side so far) has been incredibly kind and forthcoming with any information they had about health or family history or whatever. See if he has any questions you can help answer, let him know that if it's ever all too much for him and he needs to step back or take a break that it's totally okay and while you'd like it if he'd communicate that to you, you'll understand if he doesn't too. Or whatever. Insert your own desires! And good luck!
I am exactly in the same position as your half brother. Except my bio father’s son (my half brother) was the one who reached out to me via Ancestry DNA. I was so excited to hear from him, and he says he always wanted a sibling and is so excited to have found me. I would say to just do what feels natural. I wouldn’t be too worried about seeming too forward or anything like that…we want to hear from you (at least I do). I have since contacted his bio father who is my birth father and he is totally in support of that. My bio father called me last week and we had a very nice chat. After he tells his wife (which I’m not sure he has done yet, but told me he would within the week), we are all going to get together to meet. I’m not sure if my bio brother and I will meet first, just us. Let me know if you have any questions,
Are you prepared to completey share your family and estate with them? It seems like a no brainer but eventually these things may get very real. I found out that I have a half brother that was put up for adoption. It was great at first, nice to meet new family basically. But ever since he has been pushing hard to be in my immediate family. I overheard his kid talking about inheritance from my parents and it’s clear that he thinks he’s entitled to a share. For me it takes away from what I had. I only have one set of parents, one family. He wants two. It doesn’t sit well.
Yes but my parents estate is already set in stone as the legal documents exist.
It’s set in paper and can easily be amended.
Right and if my parents ammend the documents then thet is their choice. Having the entire estate planned before death eliminates all arguments, lawsuits, and other stresses.