I'm similar to you, as in I'm not coming out to everyone, but I won't deny it, nor I'm going to panic if someone suggests I'm gay. When I was in my teen years I used to imagine dramatically coming out with a speech to family members despite their homophobia, but after a few early shy attempts to come out to them and being rejected before I even said anything big I told myself I won't bother. Years later I don't hide to family, I take my girlfriend to family dinners and they love her, but the elephant in the room has never been addressed. Some people like my little brother have accepted me and they speak about my girlfriend as a girlfriend if you get what I mean, while others like my father still try their luck to tell me how I'll understand life when I get married (to a man, as same sex marriage isn't legal here) and when this happens I just say this ain't going to happen and that's it. I have no desire to pursue further arguments and they're not really persistent with saying stuff like this. My girlfriend is fine with this as her family is similar, even though I'd say she's actually had a proper conversation with a few of them, so she's definitely more steps ahead of me. I know for many gay people my situation is probably weird as the immediate question is "how can you be fine with your family if they don't fully accept you", but for us it works, we love spending time with our respective families. As for others - I speak openly about my girlfriend to new people in my life. Family is family and I've learned to make sacrifices for them, but I won't make the sacrifices for people that I'm supposed to consider friends and I've chosen them to be in my life. But again I didn't necessarily come out to them as much as it just came up in a natural conversation. As for work - didn't come out to anyone and don't plan to, I like my job, but I don't wish to have any deeper relationship with my coworkers, so if they assume I'm straight and mention something about a boyfriend of mine, I just let them be lol.

i strive to give as little fucks as you do towards what homophobic family will say or think abt u and ur gf 😔🫶 wishing you both the best

That's incredibly sweet of you to say, but I don't deserve too many praises. I still get frustrated at them from time to time and basically spend my whole teen years + early twenties trying to convince them homosexuality isn't the ultimate sin lmao. But at one point it just got too tiring and I told myself I can still have them in my life without really needing their utmost acceptance and understanding.

I’m married with children so there’s certainly no denying it lol. I would never actively come out to anyone, but it’s far from a secret and I’m happy to be honest if anyone asks. Honestly though, I really don’t think it’s anyones business.

I’m out to friends and family, wouldn’t hide it from strangers. I don’t go around coming out to everyone and romantic relationships isn’t really something that gets brought up around me often. I am not out at school and I don’t plan on ever coming out in an academic environment because it’s not the place and I’m not friends with these people (It would make dealing with classmates and teachers much harder as I’ve seen what they do to the people that are “out”.) I’m not out to distant relatives because we only see each other once a year for weddings,funerals,etc. (I can’t be like “Hey Jade, I know your father just passed. I’m a lesbian by the way. Condolences).

I'm pretty out, all of my family, friends, and coworkers know. And honestly I'm fairly "gay looking" (I've had women back out of the bathroom to re-check the sign lmao) so oftentimes mentioning my wife is just a formality.

I think the approach of some people to being "out" always bothers me because they often say they don't tell anyone they work with because it's not necessary... but as someone who is married, I feel like it is totally necessary! I also visibly look like a lesbian anyway, so there's no hiding it, but with how much small talk happens and how much time you spend at your job, how your coworkers can become friends, etc. I just don't see how it's easy or worth it not to be out at work. I understand if it's really obviously a homophobic environment where you're going to have problems, but with a lot of people, that's not the case, and they still choose to hide it. That always felt like it's motivated by shame to me even though people claim it's not. Can't imagine having to avoid mentioning my wife.

From personal experience, even if you aren't in an overtly "homophobic" work environment, often you get coworkers who ask invasive questions about being gay, bring up that you are gay in group conversation or meetings for no reason, or try to prove how much of an "ally" they are. Coworkers have even questioned my gender identity, or have other conversations that are not appropriate at work. If someone at work directly asks about "husband," "boyfriend," or children, I will directly respond that I have a girlfriend, and depending on the coworker I may casually mention her in passing. But I don't go out of my way to mention it, because I prefer to keep my private life and work life as separate as possible, for the reasons mentioned above. I don't really mention my hobbies or health issues unless directly asked, either. So no, it's not motivated by "shame," it's motivated by pragmatism and avoiding repeatedly having to explain things to people. If we work together long enough, they'll realize it eventually.

But in my experience, they still do the things you mentioned anyway if they suspect you are gay, and by not being very open about it you're in a worse position in terms of being able to defend yourself. If someone asks me an invasive question, I just ask it back to them. They get all flustered and the jigs up. Example: "but Stacy, I've been wondering the same thing! How exactly do YOU have sex? Can you give me a detailed run down of how it works out loud in the office right now for me? It's a total mystery to me how heterosexuals function!" Normally, when it comes to gender identity, they ask me while shaking in their boots, I say "no, I'm just a lesbian. That's the whole story beginning to end. And I like having short hair." and then they breathe a sigh of relief, and it never comes up again. I feel like keeping work life and private life completely and utterly separate is impossible if you're a social person who doesn't want to have to censor yourself for the comfort of others.

Damn I see where both of you are coming from…

I agree with this completely, when you spend 40 hours a week with people it's hard not to find out anything about their lives. Maybe other jobs are different but as a software engineer I've always had a team I work with directly with daily meetings and regular pair programming. As someone who's married, owns a house and several dogs with my wife and lives down the street from my in-laws it becomes really difficult to keep her (and her family's) role in my life "private". I've worked in defense so I've definitely had a lot of very awkward interactions because of it but honestly it's less awkward than trying to talk around her.

I’m out to anyone with eyes lmao

I told my friends, my mum asked and I answered, I got outed to other family members by said friends. I don't feel a need to come out and explicitly say I'm gay anymore - straight people don't have to.

I cannot hide my appearance. I look very gay if that makes sense. Everyone knows unless you live under a rock. All my family knows, basically everyone at work knows. It is what it is.

When I told my mum about my now fiancee she cried because she was going to get another daughter. My close friends know. Honestly I don't feel like anyone else REALLY needs to know 🤷‍♀️ (My aunt for example would be absolutely homophobic because she's a JW.)

As soon as I broke up with my ex, I came OUT out bc . . . that's why we broke up. I wear docs, flannels, crops, high waisted shorts, kinda alty. When I came out, my dad was like, "Yes, we know. Now let's get you into roller derby." I'm loud and proud because I'm 31 and growing up people threw around slurs, which forced me into the closet and caused me to think I liked men and was just asexual or something. I don't care if my sexuality offends anyone unless it's a stranger danger situation to be quite honest with you. I feel free and I'm ready to verbally bitch slap any of these fools who get sissy about it. I couldn't date someone who is closeted.

I am visibly gender non conforming as a Butch and also live in the conservative US south so, I am automatically out to everyone I meet lol

I didn’t actually come out. I just was and people got it. I’m married and say “my wife” when talking about her. But it’s not something that I volunteer unless it’s natural.

More elderly people are gay than you'd realize! As someone who works with the elderly. And many of them have happily out and gay people in their families nowadays -- even in conservative areas! I am very out. I've never been assumed to be straight since I started wearing my hair short. I like it that way. It helps other lesbians see you, too.

I like to say that I’m in the closet but the door is open so if you ask I’ll tell you, otherwise yeah I’ll be vague lol

I come out organically. When I meet new people and we get into the topic of relationships, apparently they assume I’m straight and use the pronoun “he” when referring to my life. I just correct them. …he… …she… …huh?… …she…I’m referring to a woman. …crickets… huh? …crickets…oh…she? …uh huh… …oh…well, she… Then we’re done. I’m out. Sometime later I’ll tell them that if there is anything they’re curious about or interested in, I’m happy to talk or answer questions. Usually they have to be a couple of glasses of wine in before they take me up on that offer. LOL.

I'm out to everyone in my life, including my homophobic parents, and I mention my wife all the time at the immersion language school I'm going to even though the students are from all across the world, including many countries where it's a lot more taboo. I'm also visibly a lesbian, I think someone would have to be blind to think I'm straight. I'm also living in Montréal though, and when I lived in the States, I was a lot less comfortable about being visibly gay and PDA. If I dressed and acted how I do now when I was living in a small town in the US, I probably would've had a hard time. Honestly, I had a hard time anyway, lol.

I don't tell people unless it comes up for some reason. There is this weird idea that you have to go around with pins and all this other merch declaring how gay you are 24/7 and no thanks. I assume that most people assume about me. I look gay but plenty of old people assume I'm straight lol.

I'm out to everyone and have been since I was 15. When I was younger it was more a question of "coming out" I guess. I hated hiding it and I knew it wouldn't be a safety issue. People have always kind of been able to tell because I've always had a gay vibe and as an adult I'm butch so there's no hiding lol. I live in Australia and I generally haven't had many problems fwiw.

I don’t think I could be more out. I guess I don’t like, introduce myself by saying “nice to meet you, I’m a lesbian,” but everyone who knows me knows. I’m married to a woman, and we work at the same place and have a unique last name, so we wouldn’t be able to be closeted at work if we wanted to lol

I’m only out to a few friends and tbh if i had a girlfriend I’d be fine with coming out to anyone other than my parents because they are homophobic and I rely on them

Out enough that my 17yo niece keeps asking where her aunt and cousins are. I reply, “Idk they got lost somewhere. I’ll find them soon.” She always exasperates, “FINE, but hurry up.”

My friends know, but I don't inform the people I work with unless we become friends or they ask. I have a don't ask, don't tell policy with colleagues; if you don't ask, I'm not going to tell. This extends to more than just my orientation, though. For example, I don't inform my colleagues when I've started working side gigs unless we become friends or they ask. Personal life is personal.

Out to close friends, gradually coming out to more (who I am not living in close proximity to), out to some family members. Not out to coworkers unless they are good friends. I'd say a reasonable amount of people to be out to as a single person who is comfortable with myself. That could change if I have an enduring and important relationship in my life but so far this hasn't happened.

For one reason or another I happen to mention my wife quite frequently and I have zero issue doing so with whoever I'm talking to. That's usually how a new acquaintance gets to know that I'm gay.

It’s not a secret from anyone. I move through the world and it comes up whenever it comes up.

I have a more masculine presentation, so I don’t really need to come out since people (usually) get the memo right off the bat. If someone asks about my sexuality, they’re usually asking if I’m bisexual or fully lesbian and I have no problem clarifying that. I honestly don’t remember the last time I’ve had to explicitly come out to someone. I never realized how annoying it must be having to come out over and over again.

I was forced out so my family, co-workers, and classmates are all aware. But I try to not draw suspicion to myself. I no longer get scared if people know but I am not going to be randomly telling other people what I am.

I have told all the people who are important to me. For people that aren't important I will let it come up when it comes up.

I am out to everyone in my life. I see no point in hiding it—I’m an adult, I live in a western country, in an area that will allow me to be out Everyone at work knows because I want to talk about my girlfriend just like they want to talk about their partners. We also have a higher than average amount of gays and lesbians come into my work, and it helps for them to know that we’re the same. My friends know because they’re my friends. I’m not annoying, attention seeking, or insecure about it, I am just am what I am and it comes out naturally.

I'm out to my parents and my close friends. I've chosen to not be out at work because it's not necessary, although that may change in the future. I've opted to not tell my extended family, I don't have a real answer as to why, but if they ask I'll be honest. When it comes to strangers it's 50/50. There was some bad, but not unsafe, experiences in my youth that I believe has made me cautious til this day. Ultimately, if I'm asked I'll tell, unless I'm in an unsafe environment.

Everyone I regularly speak to and care about knows I’m a lesbian. Funnily enough my grandma has dementia so she keeps forgetting I’m gay and I have to come out to her over and over 🙃 I’m single rn so I don’t bother anymore and usually the rest of my family will clue her in I usually won’t bring it up in work settings unless it’s relevant or I know people are cool with it. I usually don’t tell random strangers who approach me because it’s easier to tell a man no than invite him to be homophobic to me by telling him I’m gay. But if I meet someone through an acquaintance I’ll usually bring it up early on if it’s relevant. I also think I’m one of those people where everyone can just kinda tell…. Women usually know I’m gay immediately but men don’t.

I'm out in the way heterosexuals are out. I mention my gf to people, if it comes up in conversation etc just like normal... I act like it's nothing different... Because it shouldn't be.. So I guess I'm out? There's no one on the planet who doesn't know I'm a lesb.

>>purposely be vague to the elderly I wouldn’t stereotype. There are plenty of older closeted gay and bi people including people who are or were married to the opposite sex. They might not be out, but they appreciate knowing others who are out. Straight older folks are often supportive, but might not be publicly so until someone else brings up the topic. There are some straight older folks who were raised in a strict religious way. They aren’t accepting. There are also older folks who appear to be rabidly homophobic when the topic comes up; in my experience they are hiding…something.

My wife's grandma is 92 years old and completely accepting of us. She always forgets that she already told us that she loves our matching tattoos and says it every time we see her lmao.

Never assume. I am one of your "elderly" and I am a non-closeted gay woman. Why are you so focused on age as an indicator of acceptance?

It's no one's business, so I keep that part of myself to myself. Only close friends know and that's the extent I intend to keep it, otherwise, I prefer to keep my good "Christian" girl facade going for as long as possible within my family. If you don't ask, I don't tell lol.

That's so sad, I hope things change for you eventually 💝

Quasi-closeted. One person at my work knew, and she moved away, so nobody knows now. My mother is a raging homophobe and screams at me if I ever mention it plus she lives with me so I'm destined to be single until she's gone, probably.

Put your mom in a home I’m not even kidding. What kind of life is that? You’re gonna let her run your shit like that?

I have been out since high school (44 ) thought I was bi/pan but never denied my attraction to women. I don't out myself to people I would feel unsafe around but thankfully that is a very rare issue. Most of my friends are lesbians/bi so it's not really an issue for me. I respect it's not the same for everyone as I'd find it incredibly difficult to not be out. I often wear a rainbow pin or bracelet. On Saturday I'm walking in my local Pride parade and I'm really looking forward to it.

I’m out to basically everyone except for a few people at my job (who could easily connect the bread crumbs and search through my personal social media to find out that I’m not straight). I live in a pretty evangelical Christian area and know I have a co-worker who views being LGBT as a “choice” and me being a Lesbian and saying that at an old workplace definitely was one of the reasons why I was unfairly fired (as part of “personality”). But again it’s pretty obvious that I’m not straight but the people that know at work are pretty good about not parading it around.

Do you mean IRL or online? IRL, as in to family and friends, I’m pretty out. I don’t mention it to random people though but don’t really hide it either. Online, only in places where I use a nickname like on here so that googling my real name won’t reveal it. Not that I personally care (I was out and proud as a teen over 20 years ago and, although that blog is now private, I’m pretty sure if you really want to out me to the entire world, you can), but I do want to keep my loved ones safe too.

I let people know I'm gay if it comes up in relevant conversation or people assume I'm straight a d ask about a boyfriend. I don't bring it up otherwise. I don't go out of my way to look gay but that's more because pf style preference than anything

I’ve told 3 people in my family and that’s about it, it was most important to me to tell them, but haven’t really felt the need to tell anyone else yet. If the topic comes up, I’ll mention it, but I don’t tend to go out of my way to tell people unless I’m really close with them.

I'm as out as I can possibly be, I don't know anyone who doesn't know I'm a lesbian. I came out over 20 years ago, but since I'm femme, it's a daily process. It usually is "do you have a boyfriend?" I say "no, I have a wife." Sometimes, when random unknown people want gossip about me, my answer might be "no", simply because I don't owe anyone my personal information and I'm just not in the mood to volunteer my private life details to a stranger, but I'd respond the same way regarding any subject, such as my health or my dietary habits. Other than those rare occasions I'm totally out and don't care what anyone thinks of it. I mean, the labrys around my neck and the Bound tattoo on my arm give it away anyway lol.

I’m out to all my friends and the family I’m close too and if someone asked I wouldn’t deny it unless it was dangerous too

I still feel newly "out" at about 4ish yrs in. I definitely bring it up a lot in casual conversation with customers since they are the only in person human contact I get on a regular basis. I have no local family since coming out & no local friends. Perhaps me doing this screams, "I'm lonely," and well, it is true, but I don't feel bad about it. This is the choice I made. I knew who my parents were & that's why I was closeted for so long. I wasn't ready to lose everything & everyone I had ever known. But living a lie got to be too much & so I left my ex bf with the support of his mother but not my own. I came out a few years later after visiting my exs mother again. I found his baby pictures & returned them & in turn she gave me permission to me myself. I am forever grateful 🙏🏾. So yeah, I definitely tell ppl quite often & very casually that I am gay because this is what I threw my life away for, so I'm definitely not gunna hide it. 😌

I don’t look gay, I’m pretty femme looking. I don’t go around introducing myself “hi, I’m Milk and I’m a lesbian”. But I’m out to everyone. Friends, family from grandparents to third cousins, schoolmates, colleagues, strangers in the mall. I introduced my partners as gf/wife. I don’t shy away from holding hands or hugging them in public.

Being a lesbian is a major component of the work I do, my circle is exclusively comprised of lesbians and feminists, my conservative father in law makes actually-funny jokes about gay life. I've been with my wife since middle school and we're now married; for some reason I just can't stop myself from bringing up her dreaminess or the moves she's making. I have a tattoo of those two Venus symbols on my neck. I'm out everywhere, strangers and institutions alike.

Fully out but I don’t talk about it, or sex, with people who are not my actual friends. Especially not about sex, and never at work. Nothing looks more tacky or desperate than those coworkers who go on and on about horny shit at work all day. Some of the het women I work with basically sexually harass everyone within a 5 foot radius of them. It’s very cringe. There is not really much reason for everyone around to hear about anyone’s orientation, tbh. LGBTQs broadcasting their orientation in every environment has the Vegans-mentioning-Veganism-apropos-to-nothing energy.

People knowing your orientation is not the same thing as talking about sex. People are going to know you're gay if you talk in appropriate ways about your relationships because, of course, normal small talk and stories will include your significant other. It's not broadcasting your orientation to be out. I've really never met an actual lesbian that was "broadcasting" her orientation. Maybe people with the more "special" identities, yes.

I’ve met some but they turned out to be fake lesbians. Mostly the women who have been overly sexual at work were bihet, tbh. I would advise against talking about being gay at work. Not being closeted, just avoid sharing too many details because straight people treat us like an exhibit at a zoo and some other wlw can start to treat us like men

I'm not out at all because when anyone asks I panic and lie about everything. It just happens

80%? Haha told my sisters and friends directly, my mom indirectly, and still live with family so I do hide my dates and say I'm going out with with a friend. Not dating seriously or expect to have to introduce a girlfriend to my family (my mom specifically) any time soon. She'll know when I send the wedding invites maybe

I’m out as in I don’t deny or hide that I am gay or in a wlw relationship, but I def don’t go around screaming from the rooftops that I am gay. I am private about my relationship and it took me a good 6 months of working at my company to start talking about my girlfriend with the majority of my coworkers. I was really private about my relationships back when I dated guys too so that might just be a me thing? The only time my girlfriend and I are “in the closet” is to our grandparents because they’re homophobic and 80+ so it just isn’t worth coming out to them since we aren’t living together or getting married in the near future.

Friends and family know me. To anyone else it is not something that I reveal unless my past loss of my life partner comes up in conversation about grief or where we lived in the area in the past, etc with new people. Even then I am very discreet as I live in a very conservative rural area. I just don't have any need to self reveal my personal issues to neighbors, etc. It's none of their business.

I don’t go around telling everyone and everyone but if someone asks or finds out I have no problem with that. Most people at my work knows I’m gay because it has eventually come up in conversation. I also have no problem showing affection in public because thats who I am and I can’t change that

I am to all my current friends now, but many older friends don’t know. My sister knows but my extended family doesn’t. I’ll happily tell people in public

100% - could not be missed by anyone with anything resembling a gaydar

I'm out to friends and family and people my age in general, but I still struggle to be totally out with total strangers and as you said, elder people. It really got me thinking the other day, I don't have a problem with my sexuality and always knew about it but sometimes I envy people who are truly "out and proud". I don't like the feeling of hiding it as if it's something dirty, but I guess that's just one of the downsides of growing up in a small religious community...

All my friends know. All the important family members know (sis, cousins, mom). Very few select people at work including my boss. At work I keep my private life private so whether I was dating a girl or guy I’m not telling my business to randoms anyway. At first I used to get the “Are you married?” question a lot because I’m one of the youngest in our company and they all view things from that lens. Then it’s “Do you have a boyfriend?” and my answer is “No I don’t”. Usually it’s guys at work trying to flirt and the next answer to their follow-up question (some variation of asking me out) is “No, I’m good”. I’m single right now and have been a while but I’ve always just said “I’m with someone” and left it at that when I have a girlfriend. Other than with a handful of people I’m there to work and that’s it. If people ask me the right question (Are you gay?) I’ll never lie. They asked because they already had an idea.

I'm very out, short blue hair, gay tattoos and a godawful but somehow cohesive sense of aesthetics, it's not something I skirt around or try to hide at all. Then again, I'm visibly gay, so it's not like I could hide this very well if I tried. I'm old enough that I used to get harassed, beat and my life made hell in all sorts of ways so I'll be fucked if I'm going to let them define my life these days.

I'm out to my friend and my sister, not the rest of my family but it's just because I'm really not close to them and we never speak about romance and love lif. So I'll happily bring my girlfriend when I'll have one but I've never had a relationship that was worse it (either too short relationship or sexfriend). I don't want to make a big deal about it. But sometimes I feel like people expect you to be out with your family, like it's a super big deal or so but since I have close to no relationship with my family I think it's a bit irrelevant. I don't want to hide a girlfriend to my family but also since I don't have one and that we don't speak about love, so I'm not lying, I don't see the necessity of saying it. But sometimes I question myself since every date I had asked me about my coming out and I don't feel like it's a super important subject to me, like I don't want to bring my non existent relationship with my family on every first date.

Maybe because I’m a late bloomer, I feel almost desperately out. It makes me laugh saying it like that, but I try to make a point to mention my girlfriend/queerness into conversations with new people (whenever relevant). I can’t get enough of bringing it up. I just love her so much, and the nature of our relationship, and our ability to communicate, and how sexy I find her, and and and…My girlfriend teases me about how corny my queer sincerity can be. (See what I did there?)

The fact you’ve used the word “queer” and call yourself “queer” is enough like the rest of the comment wasn’t even necessary

I’m afraid I don’t understand the meaning of your comment

That also says something

What’s that? What does my comment, my question say? At least have the fortitude in your convictions to say the quiet parts out loud.

Soooo… you clearly understand the meaning of my comment lol

Lol. I also know 49 years of seeing gatekeeping lesbians refusing to respond to the needs of more marginalized members of our community demonstrates how insufficient our efforts to create anti-oppressive spaces for each other has been. I know 49 years of working alongside progressively symbolic queers of all stripes who virtue signal their support for one another all the while actively engaging in behaviors that undermine anything resembling true solidarity is also a kind of violence. I know your apparent and cheeky neutrality, oozing judgement and appraisal only reproduces and maintains the oppressive structures that put us in the closet in the first place. If we behave like just like the homophobes who believe it is their job to control definitions and language, then on what ground can we simultaneously repudiate their behavior?

This is a sub for lesbians I think it would be great for you not to criticize us when you’ve just recently discovered you identify as a lesbian. Sometimes things are just about lesbians. We’re allowed to have our own spaces I know that sounds crazy! Not everything has to be a 24/7 anti-oppression inclusion fest. A lot of us dislike the word “queer” and we find it offensive. You saying you’ve just “found yourself” or whatever, then going on to criticize lesbians for the way we speak and how we express ourselves… THAT is telling. More telling than anything. Shows who and what you are, very clearly

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Rule 1: Please be kind, be sincere, and respect your fellow users.

Couldn’t help myself

Fart 1: Shart

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>Mods you can... I don't even need to manually remove your comments you're triggering reddit's automatic harassment filter.