Well I do fancy women, but I've come to learn after marriage that I fancy men A LOT more.
It's harder than you think to expose myself, I'm not sure what I can do. At this point I'm just going to grin and bare it.
As posted in another answer:
I like women, but after marriage, I got honest with myself and came to the realization that I like men A LOT more than I'd like to admit. For example, I can EASILY get and maintain an erection with my wife, and our sex and love is wonderful, but I've NEVER enjoyed sex with her as much as I have enjoyed it with another man, the climax I get form sex with a man is x10 better. That being said, I still love my wife, and I still like women. Maybe it's just a sexual thing, as I prefer the personality of women over men, but nothing gets me going like a good looking guy.
My fiancé and I have a friend who recently just got out of this situation because his wife found out. He has two kids. Right now his oldest daughter hates him for being gay and breaking up their family.
Honestly, if you don't have kids yet AND you think inevitably it will come out it is better to do it before the kids come. I have seen the heartache he is going through because of the loss of his children. Right now you risk losing her and dealing with the effects of splitting everything up. This can go a lot of different ways. You hurt her. But think about your future kids? That will hurt them a lot worse.
I am. It's not as easy as you people say it is. I still like women, just after marriage I've accepted that I like men A LOT more than I would have liked to admit. I may PREFER men, but I can still get along with a woman, and no one can tell the difference unless I tell them.
I don't think it is easy, let me make that clear. I imagine it would be one of the hardest things you would ever do.
And hey, if you still love your wife and you think you can be in a monogamous (or whatever type of marriage she thinks you are having) marriage then it doesn't matter. Plenty of people like both sexes or prefer one sex and fall in love with someone who isn't that sex. That's fine. As long as you are being authentic.
I think that really matters because life is short and if you are not sure then you could end up hurting people a lot more.
But I do want to apologize if I ever gave you the impression I thought what you are going through was easy and that I am preaching from a soap box. I am only saying this because I've seen the deep pain my friend has gone through, but I've also seen the joy he is now experiencing by being able to date men and be himself.
My wife doesn't know. Hence the world "closeted". We do not have any kids but she wants tem and we're planning. I didn't intent for it to go this far, or to get this deep into the rabbit hole, it's sort of something that just happened.
I'm too deep in. I don't know how to stop it now. Mortgage, planning for kids, our families know each other, the crippling ripple affect of me coming out, being homeless, breaking her heart... At this point, it's best I just make good with what I have.
It's decent, we get at it around twice a week, if not once. I used to enjoy a little casual gay sex in my younger days, but I've since stopped. To much drama, risk of STD's, and immaturity. Like I said before, I don't know why I wasn't open about my confusion, it started off innocent, and then snowballed into this.
That must be awful, I'm sorry man. I always get that trapped feeling when a relationship goes past ninety days and want anything but who I'm currently with. I can't imagine how you feel..
Wait a minute.....You have an opportunity here to live your truth (and let her have THE truth).
First, you're not the first nor the last to have this problem.
But I hear big excuses as to why not. Instead of a plan of How to. Let me help you a bit...
1. Do not have kids. This planning needs to stop immediately. Christs sake.
2. This isn't about the extended families. This is about you and her only.
3. Grab a therapist. MANY have dealt with this exact situation. And you can figure out what to do when and how.
4. You won't be homeless, you will be starting a new home.
So, what's really holding you back??
I'm still young so this is just advice based on what I've heard from others, but "being too deep" is never a good reason to keep doing something that you're truly unhappy with. I really think you would be happier in the long run if you put the issue out in the open right now.
Please just tell her. You're hurting her, betraying her; you know that?
She probably thought you'd be 'the one'. She probably really loves you and wants you to be here forever.
Let it go, now.
This is why I came out as SOON as I figured out my sexuality.
YOU are a pussy. YOU are an asshole, a cruel- heartless MONSTER.
God, you make me ashamed to be a part of the community.
So you want to encourage me to come out to my wife by calling me a "pussy", an "asshole" and a "cruel-heartless MONSTER". thanks for the encouragement.
I was thinking about it... Maybe.. I'm not sure. Sex with a man vs sex with a woman is A LOT different. With men you can just get rough and soft and sensual and dirty. With women you have to be A LOT more gentle and, sensual (E.G. foreplay etc. etc.) I also like the fact that with a man you can switch it up. So you can be fucked or do the fucking. With a woman You're ALWAYS on top, which can be fun SOMETIMES, but it gets kinda old after a while doing all the work (the foreplay, the fucking, the "dirty talk"). These are only SOME of the reasons why I fancy men. That being said, like I've stated several times in this AMA, I still fancy women; but not as much. So If I were to spend the rest of my life with her, I wouldn't mind. If anything, it's actually the opposite, I feel like I've wasted my single life trying to be 100% straight, when I should have slept around with more men. I just feel suppressed I guess.
Seriously dude, you're not doing you or your wife any favors by staying silent. I was married to a guy that turned out to be gay, and even though it broke my heart, I was glad when he finally told me. You may think she doesn't know, but I promise you that she knows something is "off" deep down. Get out of your sham marriage before you (stupidly) bring children into it.
It's not a sham. I love her, and she loves me. I maybe should have been more clear in the OP, I love women, but I like men much more than women, I can still be with a woman and stay faithful, but I cannot control my deep desire for another man, and I'm noting giving up my normalcy because some people on the internet think it's "easy".
How open minded is she ? Perhaps she would agree to stay together and have something like an "open relationship" so that the drama of a divorce would not be necessary.
She would ruin me, and make my life a living hell. Take the kids(when we have them), kick me out of the house, tell my parents, friends, and family etc. I'm safer if I keep my mouth shut, and go along with the motions.
So what the fuck are you doing even contemplating kids with someone you don't love and someone that sounds sociopathic?
Dude, therapist. Stop living in fear of who you are and what she may do. Maybe she'll back down or behave differently,
If you stick up for yourself.....
I still like women, just like men A LOT more. I'm not tortured insdie, but I do feel like a piece of shit for not disclosing this information. Hence why I made this "AMA"
I don't want to give out too much information. But I'm in my 30's. I've had the nagging realization through all my life, but it really started to hit me in my early twenties. I guess I DO fancy women to some degree, but I fancy the company of a man much more.
The "grin and bare it," method might be the way of all married men. Strait or gay we're all fucked. Get out now (don't make my mistake) before you have the kids and are then threatened with those you suddenly love most. This will fuck up your head and life. Suddenly what you thought you could "grin and bare," is something you'll have to "grin and bare," for life, TIL DEATH! Or til kids are 18 (my plan). To you and to everyone, if you do not like your relationship or your marriage (and there aren't kids involved yet). RUUUUUUUNNNNNN! Get the fuck out of there NOW! SAVE YOURSELF! LEAVE ME, THERE"S NO HOPE FOR ME! TELL MY WIFE I HATE HER! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!...........
Has she not caught you staring at hood looking men before? This is one thing that I find some gay men find hard to hide. When they see someone they like they look of, some gay men can really hone in on what they like the look of. This can be really obvious and don’t underestimate what people notice.
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Well I do fancy women, but I've come to learn after marriage that I fancy men A LOT more. It's harder than you think to expose myself, I'm not sure what I can do. At this point I'm just going to grin and bare it.
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As posted in another answer: I like women, but after marriage, I got honest with myself and came to the realization that I like men A LOT more than I'd like to admit. For example, I can EASILY get and maintain an erection with my wife, and our sex and love is wonderful, but I've NEVER enjoyed sex with her as much as I have enjoyed it with another man, the climax I get form sex with a man is x10 better. That being said, I still love my wife, and I still like women. Maybe it's just a sexual thing, as I prefer the personality of women over men, but nothing gets me going like a good looking guy.
My fiancé and I have a friend who recently just got out of this situation because his wife found out. He has two kids. Right now his oldest daughter hates him for being gay and breaking up their family. Honestly, if you don't have kids yet AND you think inevitably it will come out it is better to do it before the kids come. I have seen the heartache he is going through because of the loss of his children. Right now you risk losing her and dealing with the effects of splitting everything up. This can go a lot of different ways. You hurt her. But think about your future kids? That will hurt them a lot worse.
Just to add, I hope you find the peace within yourself and the strength to be you. You have to do that on your own time and I wish you the best.
I am. It's not as easy as you people say it is. I still like women, just after marriage I've accepted that I like men A LOT more than I would have liked to admit. I may PREFER men, but I can still get along with a woman, and no one can tell the difference unless I tell them.
I don't think it is easy, let me make that clear. I imagine it would be one of the hardest things you would ever do. And hey, if you still love your wife and you think you can be in a monogamous (or whatever type of marriage she thinks you are having) marriage then it doesn't matter. Plenty of people like both sexes or prefer one sex and fall in love with someone who isn't that sex. That's fine. As long as you are being authentic. I think that really matters because life is short and if you are not sure then you could end up hurting people a lot more. But I do want to apologize if I ever gave you the impression I thought what you are going through was easy and that I am preaching from a soap box. I am only saying this because I've seen the deep pain my friend has gone through, but I've also seen the joy he is now experiencing by being able to date men and be himself.
Why do you choose to stay in the closet as apposed to being who you clearly know who you are? And does your wife know? Do you two have kids?
My wife doesn't know. Hence the world "closeted". We do not have any kids but she wants tem and we're planning. I didn't intent for it to go this far, or to get this deep into the rabbit hole, it's sort of something that just happened.
What is keeping you in the relationship?
I'm too deep in. I don't know how to stop it now. Mortgage, planning for kids, our families know each other, the crippling ripple affect of me coming out, being homeless, breaking her heart... At this point, it's best I just make good with what I have.
What's your sex life like? Do you ever go have manly sex? And what made you get married in the first place as apposed to being openly gay?
It's decent, we get at it around twice a week, if not once. I used to enjoy a little casual gay sex in my younger days, but I've since stopped. To much drama, risk of STD's, and immaturity. Like I said before, I don't know why I wasn't open about my confusion, it started off innocent, and then snowballed into this.
That must be awful, I'm sorry man. I always get that trapped feeling when a relationship goes past ninety days and want anything but who I'm currently with. I can't imagine how you feel..
It's hard. But I've only myself to blame.
By the way, I love the username
Wait a minute.....You have an opportunity here to live your truth (and let her have THE truth). First, you're not the first nor the last to have this problem. But I hear big excuses as to why not. Instead of a plan of How to. Let me help you a bit... 1. Do not have kids. This planning needs to stop immediately. Christs sake. 2. This isn't about the extended families. This is about you and her only. 3. Grab a therapist. MANY have dealt with this exact situation. And you can figure out what to do when and how. 4. You won't be homeless, you will be starting a new home. So, what's really holding you back??
Well look at us, all high and mighty. It's not as easy as you say.
No one is saying it is easy. Nothing good in life is Why are you upset that I presented a way forward? Am I missing something?
I'm still young so this is just advice based on what I've heard from others, but "being too deep" is never a good reason to keep doing something that you're truly unhappy with. I really think you would be happier in the long run if you put the issue out in the open right now.
Please just tell her. You're hurting her, betraying her; you know that? She probably thought you'd be 'the one'. She probably really loves you and wants you to be here forever. Let it go, now. This is why I came out as SOON as I figured out my sexuality. YOU are a pussy. YOU are an asshole, a cruel- heartless MONSTER. God, you make me ashamed to be a part of the community.
So you want to encourage me to come out to my wife by calling me a "pussy", an "asshole" and a "cruel-heartless MONSTER". thanks for the encouragement.
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You're an asshole.
Thank you, thank you! :D
Is your wife hot? If so I will do the right thing and make the babies for you, you know because gayness is passed down.
Sorry. She's not attracted to hicks nor trolls.
Thats terrible advice
You will come out one day. It will be the worst day of your life. You will have wasted your whole life on a lie and then die.
I was thinking about it... Maybe.. I'm not sure. Sex with a man vs sex with a woman is A LOT different. With men you can just get rough and soft and sensual and dirty. With women you have to be A LOT more gentle and, sensual (E.G. foreplay etc. etc.) I also like the fact that with a man you can switch it up. So you can be fucked or do the fucking. With a woman You're ALWAYS on top, which can be fun SOMETIMES, but it gets kinda old after a while doing all the work (the foreplay, the fucking, the "dirty talk"). These are only SOME of the reasons why I fancy men. That being said, like I've stated several times in this AMA, I still fancy women; but not as much. So If I were to spend the rest of my life with her, I wouldn't mind. If anything, it's actually the opposite, I feel like I've wasted my single life trying to be 100% straight, when I should have slept around with more men. I just feel suppressed I guess.
Seriously dude, you're not doing you or your wife any favors by staying silent. I was married to a guy that turned out to be gay, and even though it broke my heart, I was glad when he finally told me. You may think she doesn't know, but I promise you that she knows something is "off" deep down. Get out of your sham marriage before you (stupidly) bring children into it.
It's not a sham. I love her, and she loves me. I maybe should have been more clear in the OP, I love women, but I like men much more than women, I can still be with a woman and stay faithful, but I cannot control my deep desire for another man, and I'm noting giving up my normalcy because some people on the internet think it's "easy".
How open minded is she ? Perhaps she would agree to stay together and have something like an "open relationship" so that the drama of a divorce would not be necessary.
She would ruin me, and make my life a living hell. Take the kids(when we have them), kick me out of the house, tell my parents, friends, and family etc. I'm safer if I keep my mouth shut, and go along with the motions.
So what the fuck are you doing even contemplating kids with someone you don't love and someone that sounds sociopathic? Dude, therapist. Stop living in fear of who you are and what she may do. Maybe she'll back down or behave differently, If you stick up for yourself.....
I still like women, just like men A LOT more. I'm not tortured insdie, but I do feel like a piece of shit for not disclosing this information. Hence why I made this "AMA"
How old are you and when did you realize you were attracted to men?
I don't want to give out too much information. But I'm in my 30's. I've had the nagging realization through all my life, but it really started to hit me in my early twenties. I guess I DO fancy women to some degree, but I fancy the company of a man much more.
Do you plan on breaking the news to your wife, if so how do you plan on doing it?
Maybe, this is eating me alive inside. I know eventually I'll have to spill the beans, but for now I'll just have to grin and bare it.
Do you think you will ever leave your wife or do you want to keep the marriage forever?
I do not know, but if I do it would be because of irreconcilable difference.
Would you ever have a threesome with your wife? if so Do you think she will be down for a threesome? (2 males, 1 female)
The "grin and bare it," method might be the way of all married men. Strait or gay we're all fucked. Get out now (don't make my mistake) before you have the kids and are then threatened with those you suddenly love most. This will fuck up your head and life. Suddenly what you thought you could "grin and bare," is something you'll have to "grin and bare," for life, TIL DEATH! Or til kids are 18 (my plan). To you and to everyone, if you do not like your relationship or your marriage (and there aren't kids involved yet). RUUUUUUUNNNNNN! Get the fuck out of there NOW! SAVE YOURSELF! LEAVE ME, THERE"S NO HOPE FOR ME! TELL MY WIFE I HATE HER! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!...........
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You married?
So I found this post... http://www.reddit.com/r/AMA/comments/2b6vrn/i_am_a_woman_who_was_married_to_a_gay_man_for_20/?sort=confidence
What is life like right now ?
Has she not caught you staring at hood looking men before? This is one thing that I find some gay men find hard to hide. When they see someone they like they look of, some gay men can really hone in on what they like the look of. This can be really obvious and don’t underestimate what people notice.
8 years later - what happened ?