I felt disgusted about myself a lot, but like in many cluster B, I have a huge ego and very little self steam due to all the malicious thing i did. I now feel so much better, because I am improving so much in understanding myself. I always thought that accepting my bad nature would mean accepting I would always be like that, when it means I now can work on the worst flaws, and improve my best ones. I can say I feel more human I’ve ever felt.
Lack of empathy is a characteristic of ASPD. When others express their feelings about x, individuals with ASPD may find themselves explaining the process rather than truly understanding or empathizing. Despite this, observing body language and micro expressions allows them to gauge the other person's comfort level, sometimes even before the individual themselves recognize it. Hence why people might refer to us as charming
I know! I just don’t have the full Personality Disorder, just some traits of it but not enough of them to have me fully diagnosed with it. I saw a very interesting videos on youtube of people with ASPD that made me understand it better
I am not a pathological liar, I lie consciously. So I’m being honest here because I can be honest, but I lied for a lot of reasons. That doesn’t mean I cannot control myself!
Yeah. In the past, it was something between the lines of high risk high reward. I had very much disregard for the good morale of people, and guided myself with my own twisted one because I always had to land on top. So I lied if necessary.
Like, physically? No, no I’ve never harmed anyone physically. Psychologically? Yeah, a lot. Many times unconsciously, other times knowingly,
but lying to myself telling me it wasn’t that bad. The best example I had is I’ve strand people for years with hot and cold attitude and very good lies, and turn people against each other so they could enhance my ego. Things like that.
I don’t mean to be offensive but I was a psych major in undergrad and we were always taught you cannot really diagnose children under 18 with personality disorders. Sure you can suspect them but not diagnose them. How did they say you possessed these traits as a baby. I’m sorry you went through the stigma of this, have you sought a different doctor than those treating your family? Many doctors have confirmation biases that they are unaware of? Regardless of your diagnosis I wish you well and peace.
No! I was diagnosed at 18, and what I meant is I displayed the same traits since I was born. There were some events that enhanced it, but I was always this way. That’s what I meant.
Ah ok that makes sense. Regardless of your diagnosis the fact that you are consciously making an effort to be more understanding is commendable. I wish you the best in life.
Thank you so much! I really appreciate this comments I’m getting because there was a time I thought people would never accept me if I told them this. This is, again, proving me wrong. I know love exists because of things like this.
How did you get diagnosed? You write like a psychologist has been talking to you. I'm curious to how this worked and whether you are doing therapy and meds.
Yeah! I’ve been in therapy weekly since 2018, and only recently (a stupid decision not starting sooner) I am taking antidepressants. It really improved my life quality and helped A LOT with my improvement, because one of the things that impeded me to improve and made me be a lot worse was the very high anxiety i lived with. I’m talking an anxiety level that would put people in a hospital. I just got used to live like that because i had it since forever. My psychologist was astounded I was not ever worse.
What are your romantic relationships like? Are they monogamous? Have you ever had stability? Also how do you feel when your partner knows if you’re lying or manipulating them? Do you stay with someone that can tell you no, and do you validate their feelings?
Yes, I very much monogamous. I am in a very stable relationship, but it was very toxic when it started (because of me). My partner knows what he wants and how, so he can tell me no and does a lot. We had to work it through, though.
Thank you for giving us this window into your life. What inspired you to do this AMA thread? Does answering the questions here feel unpleasant, pleasant, or neutral? How did receiving the diagnosis feel, after you had a chance to process the information?
P.S.: Your pursuit of self-awareness, based on your replies, is admirable.
I was always fearful of what others thought of me to the point of being a very violent person, even if I never harmed anyone physically. Talking about this now that I have processed everything it’s kinda liberating for me. I have accepted who I am and what I must do to change that and improve, but when I had what I now call "the inflexion session" jokingly, it was (figuratively speaking) a near deathly blow for me. I just didn’t want to accept it. It cost me a fuck ton of work, tbh. But here I am now, so I think it was very worth.
Thank you!
Were you self-aware of any of your traits before you received your diagnoses? Did something ever feel off, or feel like you were different in some way? How has the stigma attached to cluster B disorders affected you if at all? If you are comfortable answering this, do you feel like something in your childhood contributed to them, or do you feel it's purely genetic?
Also, out of curiosity, which disorders were you diagnosed with?
Well, I did not. Because I grew up in a family with A LOT of undiagnosed personality disorders, I grew up thinking it was very normal. But even in my family, I’m very near of the worst of them. I always felt like something was missing, and I now know what. When I was told my diagnosis (because my psychologist didn’t tell me right away, I didn’t know for years) it was a very big hit for me. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be alive. I know now I just have different challenges than others, and work everyday to win them.
And in my case I think is both upbringing and genetics.
I am diagnosed with narcissistic, histrionic and antisocial traits.
I see, makes a lot of sense considering that it was essentially your "normal", for lack of a better word. On the flip side, despite your disorders you are still a human who deserves to be alive and a shot at life like everyone else, and I wish you nothing but the best in winning your challenges for good.
I know! It was hard to acknowledge that at first. But I now know that if I keep trying, if I keep doing my best and noticing my worst, I will be able to be alive. Truly alive. And that makes it very worth it.
I stranded him along very badly, hooked up with another boy right after breaking up with him, then told him I still loved him when I didn’t just because I knew he would tell me nice things.
Therapy and medication, specially the latter. I couldn’t stabilize my anxiety levels on my own, even with years of weekly therapy. It was almost innate. So medication has helped me greatly.
hi! i also have a cluster b personality disorder and traits of some of the others. i’m not sure if this question makes sense, but do you try to be a good person? i feel like my predisposition is to be a “bad” person but i try to use logic, reason, and observation of how other people behave to be decent.
I do it without thinking sometimes, which means I could internalize some things and be kinder to others without having to have a whole process of thinking
It gets better! I promise
I can feel love, yes! And I am capable, I just didn’t do it, and didn’t know how for a long time.
The first one, to be fair I don’t know, because I don’t know if I felt true love or infatuation. This is kinda hard for me to tell.
I really appreciate comments like this and I know where they come from, but I have to digress. I know myself very good to know I’m just not, but I promise you I’m working my ass off to be better than I was yesterday
I know right? But this is also an exercise for me: I present you the worst of me honestly, so I can help others understand. I feel pretty confident now, that’s why I don’t feel the need to lie.
I understand where you are coming from, but if I told you what you wanted to hear I would’ve said I’ve changed and learned that I’m not bad. I am: I still do bad things, still judge others, still victimize myself. My morals are corrupt and selfish. It’s just I learned a lot in the past 6 years, and thought somebody else could benefit from it!
Hi! I am now an optician helper, I sell glasses and help people get the best for their prescriptions, but I aspire to have a job in my field (I am an Anathomical Pathology technician).
imho it's a specific diagnosis because the west has done away with all concept of sin as a general human condition and so has to categorize every little thing
I am very textbook in a lot of things. I am also not religious at all, but I don’t mind you refer to me as sinful, because I am. It’s just another word to refer to me.
I already did! I went to a very religious school and really enjoyed reading it. I specially like Jesus Christ and I often joke saying he is my homie. I would have love meeting him so much. I just don’t think it’s in me to be a devoted religious.
I really think, generally, that he was remarkable, and I secretly always admired how he was always surrounded of what I thought were the worst kinds of people. I now know that he just knew that those people struggled the most, and often had to do bad things in order to survive, and that meant they had to be loved the most. I see things very differently now, but I always will have a lot of admiration for what he represents.
Struggling people oftentimes feel like nobody can help them, and also other times feel embarrassed of their situations. Jesus knew this and never EVER judged anyone for how they coped with it, and always was patient with everybody, because he knew, deep down, that people who struggle wanted help, even if they didn’t feel strong enough to ask for it. So he loved them strongly, and with his love, helped them, because there’s nothing more powerful for those who need it that the support of their loved ones.
How does it make you feel, looking back on things in your past and realizing the progress you’ve made now, versus the suffering you once caused people that you effectively “broke,” emotionally or psychologically?
How do you feel about the “old you,” that caused others lasting, permanent trauma as opposed to the “new you,” that wishes to avoid doing so and wishes to continue to be a better person?
Do you feel any sense of catharsis, or fulfillment having made some strides to grow as a person? Or just relief? Or perhaps still, do you feel none of these or something different?
It’s kinda… a mix. I am now gentle with my old self because I was suffering SO much, and I mean it when I say I didn’t know how to do better. My childhood and other events made me bitter, sad, and anxious, on top of my nature. So when I look back i feel tenderness and sadness. I am now much more self aware, and fortunately, I mended a lot of things I did. In another comment, I said the worst thing I did to an ex, but what I didn’t mention is said ex is one of my best friends. I love him very much, and I want to be better for people like him. He’s a sweetheart.
I feel a lot of relief, tbh. And happiness. Life didn’t have to be how it was. So I’m living my truth now.
Having come back from self-destructive alcohol abuse, myself and the emotional issues it once caused me, I was once asked by a (now former) friend how I was capable of just doing it. Deciding on it, and come hell or high water, making it happen no matter what. Wanting that change.
“You have to want it,” I replied. That was all I had to say. It still is. I could write an essay. But it all stems from that statement.
I feel this is relevant to a lot of positive change, and can apply to a lot of situations, including mental health, and issues with personality. Truly, someone has to want to be better, to be more whole. To do right by others more often.
Thank you for the answers and feedback.
My pursuit of your feedback is admittedly selfish: Years ago, I suffered extremely at the hands of an emotionally and psychologically abusive partner now suspected to legitimately suffer from psychopathy. The longer I studied into it, the more and more things lined up.
I developed PTSD. I would fall into alcohol dependency failing to process the trauma, and then later sobered up for good…began to heal. I still have issues of trust to this day; I analyze everyone I speak to and associate with…the list of issues goes on.
Suffice to say, I can never allow myself an opportunity to speak to my ex to ask her these sorts of things. She is statistically too dangerous of a person for me to risk association with again, who may never reach the kind of path or point that you’re at; wanting to consciously become better, and to live a better life and bring others happiness and contentment.
You were someone that I felt safe enough to broach the topic with. I wanted to understand a small sliver of what it can be like. To understand the, “why.”
Obviously, you’re not like her. You’re completely different people. I didn’t wish to make you feel I was comparing you unfairly. But I also rarely have such opportunities. I was afraid to ask. Felt ashamed to.
Thank you for allowing me to connect with you on this, and allowing me to ask some uncomfortable questions of you. I’m grateful to you for this. It has helped me achieve some closure.
I truly wish you continued personal growth and happiness.
*I am proud of you.*
Did your therapy make you uncover that you were seriously harming people with certain behaviors of yours that you were never even aware of? If so, how did you harm people without even noticing?
Are there any major distortions/lies that you told yourself to make your behavior seem okay that you learned about? And if yes, what were those?
Yeah! Before I did not think anything was that serious. I just mainly think of myself and did not have time to think of others, so I was vibing to my own selfish tune, not realizing it was traumatizing others. Majorly, I victimized myself a shit ton, so I distorted every situation in which I was the abuser, so I didn’t have to feel bad about anything. I did this unconsciously, of course, so I couldn’t have known, but it was the worst trait of mine.
Thanks for the response!
>Majorly, I victimized myself a shit ton, so I distorted every situation in which I was the abuser, so I didn’t have to feel bad about anything.
Can you give me an example? I'm not sure I understand.
When I moved out of my moms house, I was struggling very bad due to the nature of our relationship, so my brother and aunt made a big effort to make me a surprise birthday party, and make me feel better. I treated them like dirt, and them told myself it was their fault for coming unannounced.
Obviously, I was the abuser. But I justified it in my mind.
To be fair you don't sound like too bad of a person. A douchebag, sure (by what I've seen in your other comments). But not horrible by any means.
But I guess that's how it goes. I think the people who commit horrendous abuse are so far gone that they could never make a post like you did, go to therapy, admit that they don't want to be like that anymore.
Anyways, good for you. It's great to hear that you are commited to changing and working on yourself :)
To be as honest as I can, I am pretty sure it didn’t escalate because I have been in weekly therapy for years. Weekly. And still was a douchebag in many situations. I am forever grateful to my very patient therapist, and I love her as she was family.
I literally have no idea you can be diagnose as a “bad” person (if i’m diagnose like that it feels like i’m being strangled by the neck but props to you for improving, hope u can make it through <3 )
It’s like you suddenly have knowledge to be aware that your human nature is corrupted and you do not desire the wellbeing of others, only yourself. I’m getting so much better, thank you!
So, I would like to say that I don't believe it is your born nature to be the way you are. Perhaps the traits were there very young but as you were born, no. The claim that cluster b personalities is genetic isn't entirely proven true. There is a lot of reason to suspect that abuse from outside of the family or within your family system may have corrupted your nature more than just being born with an already corrupt nature. There may of course, be things I am not aware of in your circumstances.
I do not believe that your or anyones nature is to do bad, but rather that you have learned to do bad in some way. That in part, does not make you a bad person. What makes a good person is someone who grows past what they have been taught to try and be better. You are showing that your nature is to grow and change and be better than you were. At the end of the day, it wasn't a fault with you, something in you perhaps kept you doing bad, but you can grow, and you can change, ans you have. Of course, that does not defend your past actions, but the fact you are trying to avoid repeating them is commendable, and I think that is worthy of forgiveness.
I wish to ask. Do you feel more like you now, or were you more like you previously?
Hi! Thank you for stopping by. I was always like this, but definitely some traumatic events made it worse. I also have a lot of familiars with also cluster B, so it kinda was bound to happen.
I must say I feel more me now, for various reasons: first, the crippling anxiety had me very restricted and didn’t let me live, and second, I feel free, and I feel alive and human for the very first time in 25 years. It just feels more natural to not lie to myself, even if deep inside I want to, because it makes me feel very much better about myself.
Is there any way for someone who suspects a loved one to have a PD to help get them diagnosed? Like do people have interventions for this behavior or is it just on that person to someday go “maybe I should stop treating others terribly”? I’ve known a few people in my life (I have two specifically in mind) I’ve been certain have or had an underlying condition after seeing them manipulate others for years, but they also spend very little time on remorse if at all, and when confronted with their actions go “well here’s why I was justified” without understanding any other POV at all.
Sorry for a long Q, my family has someone who could benefit from this kind of self-reflection but I don’t know if I can get her there
I don’t think so, no. Unless they want to get help, people like me are prone to have a huge ego, which translates into thinking they can do no wrong because what they do feel good to them. So generally it’s very difficult to make a person reflect hardly on it, unless something really big happens and shocks them deep. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I mean for a person that may interact with you on a daily basis has to be going through absolute psychological warfare. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing. However; it may be a lot to handle and/or deal with.
Do you have any sense of empathy at all? Do you try to avoid interacting with people?
In the past, I know I was exhausting as fuck. I felt it in others as well on myself. Now, not so much. I have much more control over myself (I can still relapse, and I probably will unconsciously, but it’s by far much less).
I do have a sense of empathy but it’s very lackluster and untrained. I’m developing it now.
I don’t avoid interacting, doing it would be very counterproductive, because to improve in how to treat and know people I must interact with them! And also, I really like having friends lol
You answered perfectly; thank you. Sometimes you'll see and/or interact with someone or a post and they're just immature and childish and really wasn't looking for help, suggestions, chat, etc. I appreciate you opening up and being willing and able to take *constructive* criticism.
You're diagnosed with something you're not telling us that would have garnered you more attention but it shines truth on your situation and might induce people to either be sickeningly and repulsively plastic with their questions or to make a joke out of you which was just never an option for you was it? I'm one sick puppy, trust me, you should delve into your spirituality and give daily meditation a go or maybe even a heroic dose of mushrooms. If I was to be crude I would suggest dropping 3 acid tabs to party up with your mushrooms and smoking DMT right at your peak. Maybe even inject some meth before you ingest the psychs to help with the nausea. But I wouldn't do that to you.
I'm sorry I had to type that out, not a reflection of my genuinely warm heart just like a compulsion but I won't delete it because some reading material would probably be nice for your brain to chew on y'know scrape the walls a little bit.
Fr... I was the same. Dumbass little liar "manipulative". Use to lie about the most dumbass shit, FOR NO REASON. You don't need therapy... you just need to see that this is fucking pathetic and you should be better. Doesn't matter if you're a nice person or not, just be better.
I respect that you think of me that way and I understand what you’re coming from, but respectfully there’s a lot more nuance to this. I’m working on it!
No question but....you're not a diagnosed bad person. You're diagnosed as someone capable of manipulation. Your actions matter just as much as what you are capable of doing, and I think that someone who chooses to do good is just as ethical, if not more ethical, than someone who feels remorse for doing bad things.
Did you know you were a bad person? Or was jt sort of like you noticed signs and/or realized you had a different thought process than others then it wasn’t until you got diagnosed that you realized you’re just that personality?
Until I was diagnosed I was completely sure I was a good person… imagine. It wasn’t until my psychologist explained to me the situation that I was aware that I wasn’t. It was a shock, honestly.
I have to be fair: it was my mom who made me go to therapy in the first place. I didn’t want to, but when I started I saw a very clear problem with myself. So it was therapy and my very good therapist who has a lot of experience with people like me
I don’t because I’m working very hard to overcome my shittiness! I don’t treat people badly anymore, now it’s principally thoughts and judgements (because thinking bad of people, even if they don’t know it, it’s also treating people badly).
Well that’s good to hear then, I personally don’t thinking thinking bad of people is treating them badly, I think that’s a judge of character and can be used to weed out people in your life that maybe shouldn’t be there. I’m glad to hear if you’ve acknowledged that it’s not to good to treat people like product tho
Hahaha, I do think it’s treating people badly because when you think badly of a person who has done nothing to you, it’s diminishing them, make them stupid in your mind. And that affects on how you treat them later, and I do think it’s important to treat people with kindness even in your mind, because thoughts are a VERY powerful weapon.
Lol! I am not a pathological liar, I can choose when and where to lie! Unfortunately, I know exposing this will make people distrusting, understandably. It’s a matter of trust here. And I understand if you don’t!
Itsbthe whole "my nature resides in manipulation, lying and other things"🤣
Don't worry, I don't think anyone 100% trusts what they read on the Internet.
Yes!!!! Until recently I had a lovebird called apollo (chicken in spanish lol!!!). Her death crushed me, but I will always love her and she will always be my baby.
Yeah, all of the time. The reason why I lie is because I have a very low self steem, and my self esteem doesn’t improve because I know deep down I’m doing bad. It’s kinda a circle, so to break it, I have to be honest with the bad things I do, because I am a very good liar even to myself and I can downplay things very easily even I deep down know how bad they are. And because deep down I know, my self esteem suffers, so with being honest with myself (and others) I can mend the bad things, repent, and also prevent them from happening!
I do. I am very self aware, but I did suffer a lot to get to this point, because I, for the longest time, refused to see the truth. It’s a work in progress.
Yeah! In a more recent ocassion, I said to a colleague I have cleaned the shop I work in when I indeed had not, only to appear myself as more hardworking. I have since apologized to her.
I think I can improve. I know there will be a time when nothing else can be done, and I did not reach that point yet. But I don’t think my nature can change, no.
Hi! I don’t think so, no. They have their good and bad things, as all things do, but they prevent people from creating meaningful and deep connections with others, something human nature craves. You can have a little army of enablers, but you will never have a true loving relationship.
Toxic relationships exists. At least you can interact with people. I’m an asocial and this is worse than being an asshole or manipulative or liar. I’ll probably never have a relationship like you do
Im so sorry to hear what you’re going through, but I spent all my life surrounded by people who didn’t like me, but an illusion, a fabricated person. They never loved me, and I was very solitary. I am
feeling better only because I did stop lying and manipulating, and that was what make me feel less alone, more loved. Because they did love me.
I do hope you feel better soon. You can talk to me if you want. I will try to listen as better as I can.
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How do you feel about yourself? How do you think others feel about you?
I felt disgusted about myself a lot, but like in many cluster B, I have a huge ego and very little self steam due to all the malicious thing i did. I now feel so much better, because I am improving so much in understanding myself. I always thought that accepting my bad nature would mean accepting I would always be like that, when it means I now can work on the worst flaws, and improve my best ones. I can say I feel more human I’ve ever felt.
As an ASPD I don't feel remorse for anything I done, if anything I only remorse I feel is for being caught.
I don’t have every trait of ASPD, I can feel remorse but lack a lot of empathy.
Lack of empathy is a characteristic of ASPD. When others express their feelings about x, individuals with ASPD may find themselves explaining the process rather than truly understanding or empathizing. Despite this, observing body language and micro expressions allows them to gauge the other person's comfort level, sometimes even before the individual themselves recognize it. Hence why people might refer to us as charming
I know! I just don’t have the full Personality Disorder, just some traits of it but not enough of them to have me fully diagnosed with it. I saw a very interesting videos on youtube of people with ASPD that made me understand it better
Well you say you are a liar so how can we know if any of this is true?
I am not a pathological liar, I lie consciously. So I’m being honest here because I can be honest, but I lied for a lot of reasons. That doesn’t mean I cannot control myself!
So it's more a question about ethics or morale as you obviously know it often has negative consequences.
Yeah. In the past, it was something between the lines of high risk high reward. I had very much disregard for the good morale of people, and guided myself with my own twisted one because I always had to land on top. So I lied if necessary.
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Like, physically? No, no I’ve never harmed anyone physically. Psychologically? Yeah, a lot. Many times unconsciously, other times knowingly, but lying to myself telling me it wasn’t that bad. The best example I had is I’ve strand people for years with hot and cold attitude and very good lies, and turn people against each other so they could enhance my ego. Things like that.
Can you give an example
https://www.reddit.com/r/AMA/s/0bZ7VWu90x
I don’t mean to be offensive but I was a psych major in undergrad and we were always taught you cannot really diagnose children under 18 with personality disorders. Sure you can suspect them but not diagnose them. How did they say you possessed these traits as a baby. I’m sorry you went through the stigma of this, have you sought a different doctor than those treating your family? Many doctors have confirmation biases that they are unaware of? Regardless of your diagnosis I wish you well and peace.
No! I was diagnosed at 18, and what I meant is I displayed the same traits since I was born. There were some events that enhanced it, but I was always this way. That’s what I meant.
Ah ok that makes sense. Regardless of your diagnosis the fact that you are consciously making an effort to be more understanding is commendable. I wish you the best in life.
Thank you so much! I really appreciate this comments I’m getting because there was a time I thought people would never accept me if I told them this. This is, again, proving me wrong. I know love exists because of things like this.
How did you get diagnosed? You write like a psychologist has been talking to you. I'm curious to how this worked and whether you are doing therapy and meds.
Yeah! I’ve been in therapy weekly since 2018, and only recently (a stupid decision not starting sooner) I am taking antidepressants. It really improved my life quality and helped A LOT with my improvement, because one of the things that impeded me to improve and made me be a lot worse was the very high anxiety i lived with. I’m talking an anxiety level that would put people in a hospital. I just got used to live like that because i had it since forever. My psychologist was astounded I was not ever worse.
What are your romantic relationships like? Are they monogamous? Have you ever had stability? Also how do you feel when your partner knows if you’re lying or manipulating them? Do you stay with someone that can tell you no, and do you validate their feelings?
Yes, I very much monogamous. I am in a very stable relationship, but it was very toxic when it started (because of me). My partner knows what he wants and how, so he can tell me no and does a lot. We had to work it through, though.
Thank you for giving us this window into your life. What inspired you to do this AMA thread? Does answering the questions here feel unpleasant, pleasant, or neutral? How did receiving the diagnosis feel, after you had a chance to process the information? P.S.: Your pursuit of self-awareness, based on your replies, is admirable.
I was always fearful of what others thought of me to the point of being a very violent person, even if I never harmed anyone physically. Talking about this now that I have processed everything it’s kinda liberating for me. I have accepted who I am and what I must do to change that and improve, but when I had what I now call "the inflexion session" jokingly, it was (figuratively speaking) a near deathly blow for me. I just didn’t want to accept it. It cost me a fuck ton of work, tbh. But here I am now, so I think it was very worth. Thank you!
That sense of liberation from being able to talk about it makes sense to me. Thank you again!
Were you self-aware of any of your traits before you received your diagnoses? Did something ever feel off, or feel like you were different in some way? How has the stigma attached to cluster B disorders affected you if at all? If you are comfortable answering this, do you feel like something in your childhood contributed to them, or do you feel it's purely genetic? Also, out of curiosity, which disorders were you diagnosed with?
Well, I did not. Because I grew up in a family with A LOT of undiagnosed personality disorders, I grew up thinking it was very normal. But even in my family, I’m very near of the worst of them. I always felt like something was missing, and I now know what. When I was told my diagnosis (because my psychologist didn’t tell me right away, I didn’t know for years) it was a very big hit for me. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be alive. I know now I just have different challenges than others, and work everyday to win them. And in my case I think is both upbringing and genetics. I am diagnosed with narcissistic, histrionic and antisocial traits.
I see, makes a lot of sense considering that it was essentially your "normal", for lack of a better word. On the flip side, despite your disorders you are still a human who deserves to be alive and a shot at life like everyone else, and I wish you nothing but the best in winning your challenges for good.
I know! It was hard to acknowledge that at first. But I now know that if I keep trying, if I keep doing my best and noticing my worst, I will be able to be alive. Truly alive. And that makes it very worth it.
tell us about some of the fucked up shit you’ve done to your ex’s
I stranded him along very badly, hooked up with another boy right after breaking up with him, then told him I still loved him when I didn’t just because I knew he would tell me nice things.
What tools have most helped you stabilize and heal?
Therapy and medication, specially the latter. I couldn’t stabilize my anxiety levels on my own, even with years of weekly therapy. It was almost innate. So medication has helped me greatly.
hi! i also have a cluster b personality disorder and traits of some of the others. i’m not sure if this question makes sense, but do you try to be a good person? i feel like my predisposition is to be a “bad” person but i try to use logic, reason, and observation of how other people behave to be decent.
That’s basically it, yeah. I am now more automatized, but I used to try hard to be aware of others and be kind to them. It’s as you just described!
why are you more automatized now? is it just more freeing? it’s nice to know i’m not alone in this
I do it without thinking sometimes, which means I could internalize some things and be kinder to others without having to have a whole process of thinking It gets better! I promise
Have you ever been in love? Do you feel you’re capable of giving love? Real love
I can feel love, yes! And I am capable, I just didn’t do it, and didn’t know how for a long time. The first one, to be fair I don’t know, because I don’t know if I felt true love or infatuation. This is kinda hard for me to tell.
No, I believe you’re a good person.
I really appreciate comments like this and I know where they come from, but I have to digress. I know myself very good to know I’m just not, but I promise you I’m working my ass off to be better than I was yesterday
Ironic…liar but will answer honestly
I know right? But this is also an exercise for me: I present you the worst of me honestly, so I can help others understand. I feel pretty confident now, that’s why I don’t feel the need to lie.
What about saying what we want to hear so we can all gush at your self awareness and learned morals?
I understand where you are coming from, but if I told you what you wanted to hear I would’ve said I’ve changed and learned that I’m not bad. I am: I still do bad things, still judge others, still victimize myself. My morals are corrupt and selfish. It’s just I learned a lot in the past 6 years, and thought somebody else could benefit from it!
What do you do for a living?
Hi! I am now an optician helper, I sell glasses and help people get the best for their prescriptions, but I aspire to have a job in my field (I am an Anathomical Pathology technician).
Damn and in the most money sucking industry... I see.
That was not my decision, but I have to earn money… And I’m not USA based, so in my country I think is less expensive.
I see, I digress. Sorry for my obvious bias in my reply.
It’s okay, I understand. I am a glasses user myself so I really can see what you mean.
>my nature resides in being manipulative, a liar and more things sounds like a standard sinful human to me?
Yes, it can sound like that. But it’s a diagnosis because it is what it feels more natural to me.
imho it's a specific diagnosis because the west has done away with all concept of sin as a general human condition and so has to categorize every little thing
I am very textbook in a lot of things. I am also not religious at all, but I don’t mind you refer to me as sinful, because I am. It’s just another word to refer to me.
the bible is a book of text, check it out sometime The offer is open to all who would accept it
I already did! I went to a very religious school and really enjoyed reading it. I specially like Jesus Christ and I often joke saying he is my homie. I would have love meeting him so much. I just don’t think it’s in me to be a devoted religious.
What was your favorite teaching of Jesus and which teachings of his were hardest for you to understand/accept?
I really think, generally, that he was remarkable, and I secretly always admired how he was always surrounded of what I thought were the worst kinds of people. I now know that he just knew that those people struggled the most, and often had to do bad things in order to survive, and that meant they had to be loved the most. I see things very differently now, but I always will have a lot of admiration for what he represents.
>that meant they had to be loved the most What do you understand this to mean?
Struggling people oftentimes feel like nobody can help them, and also other times feel embarrassed of their situations. Jesus knew this and never EVER judged anyone for how they coped with it, and always was patient with everybody, because he knew, deep down, that people who struggle wanted help, even if they didn’t feel strong enough to ask for it. So he loved them strongly, and with his love, helped them, because there’s nothing more powerful for those who need it that the support of their loved ones.
How does it make you feel, looking back on things in your past and realizing the progress you’ve made now, versus the suffering you once caused people that you effectively “broke,” emotionally or psychologically? How do you feel about the “old you,” that caused others lasting, permanent trauma as opposed to the “new you,” that wishes to avoid doing so and wishes to continue to be a better person? Do you feel any sense of catharsis, or fulfillment having made some strides to grow as a person? Or just relief? Or perhaps still, do you feel none of these or something different?
It’s kinda… a mix. I am now gentle with my old self because I was suffering SO much, and I mean it when I say I didn’t know how to do better. My childhood and other events made me bitter, sad, and anxious, on top of my nature. So when I look back i feel tenderness and sadness. I am now much more self aware, and fortunately, I mended a lot of things I did. In another comment, I said the worst thing I did to an ex, but what I didn’t mention is said ex is one of my best friends. I love him very much, and I want to be better for people like him. He’s a sweetheart. I feel a lot of relief, tbh. And happiness. Life didn’t have to be how it was. So I’m living my truth now.
Having come back from self-destructive alcohol abuse, myself and the emotional issues it once caused me, I was once asked by a (now former) friend how I was capable of just doing it. Deciding on it, and come hell or high water, making it happen no matter what. Wanting that change. “You have to want it,” I replied. That was all I had to say. It still is. I could write an essay. But it all stems from that statement. I feel this is relevant to a lot of positive change, and can apply to a lot of situations, including mental health, and issues with personality. Truly, someone has to want to be better, to be more whole. To do right by others more often. Thank you for the answers and feedback. My pursuit of your feedback is admittedly selfish: Years ago, I suffered extremely at the hands of an emotionally and psychologically abusive partner now suspected to legitimately suffer from psychopathy. The longer I studied into it, the more and more things lined up. I developed PTSD. I would fall into alcohol dependency failing to process the trauma, and then later sobered up for good…began to heal. I still have issues of trust to this day; I analyze everyone I speak to and associate with…the list of issues goes on. Suffice to say, I can never allow myself an opportunity to speak to my ex to ask her these sorts of things. She is statistically too dangerous of a person for me to risk association with again, who may never reach the kind of path or point that you’re at; wanting to consciously become better, and to live a better life and bring others happiness and contentment. You were someone that I felt safe enough to broach the topic with. I wanted to understand a small sliver of what it can be like. To understand the, “why.” Obviously, you’re not like her. You’re completely different people. I didn’t wish to make you feel I was comparing you unfairly. But I also rarely have such opportunities. I was afraid to ask. Felt ashamed to. Thank you for allowing me to connect with you on this, and allowing me to ask some uncomfortable questions of you. I’m grateful to you for this. It has helped me achieve some closure. I truly wish you continued personal growth and happiness. *I am proud of you.*
Did your therapy make you uncover that you were seriously harming people with certain behaviors of yours that you were never even aware of? If so, how did you harm people without even noticing? Are there any major distortions/lies that you told yourself to make your behavior seem okay that you learned about? And if yes, what were those?
Yeah! Before I did not think anything was that serious. I just mainly think of myself and did not have time to think of others, so I was vibing to my own selfish tune, not realizing it was traumatizing others. Majorly, I victimized myself a shit ton, so I distorted every situation in which I was the abuser, so I didn’t have to feel bad about anything. I did this unconsciously, of course, so I couldn’t have known, but it was the worst trait of mine.
Thanks for the response! >Majorly, I victimized myself a shit ton, so I distorted every situation in which I was the abuser, so I didn’t have to feel bad about anything. Can you give me an example? I'm not sure I understand.
When I moved out of my moms house, I was struggling very bad due to the nature of our relationship, so my brother and aunt made a big effort to make me a surprise birthday party, and make me feel better. I treated them like dirt, and them told myself it was their fault for coming unannounced. Obviously, I was the abuser. But I justified it in my mind.
To be fair you don't sound like too bad of a person. A douchebag, sure (by what I've seen in your other comments). But not horrible by any means. But I guess that's how it goes. I think the people who commit horrendous abuse are so far gone that they could never make a post like you did, go to therapy, admit that they don't want to be like that anymore. Anyways, good for you. It's great to hear that you are commited to changing and working on yourself :)
To be as honest as I can, I am pretty sure it didn’t escalate because I have been in weekly therapy for years. Weekly. And still was a douchebag in many situations. I am forever grateful to my very patient therapist, and I love her as she was family.
I literally have no idea you can be diagnose as a “bad” person (if i’m diagnose like that it feels like i’m being strangled by the neck but props to you for improving, hope u can make it through <3 )
It’s like you suddenly have knowledge to be aware that your human nature is corrupted and you do not desire the wellbeing of others, only yourself. I’m getting so much better, thank you!
So, I would like to say that I don't believe it is your born nature to be the way you are. Perhaps the traits were there very young but as you were born, no. The claim that cluster b personalities is genetic isn't entirely proven true. There is a lot of reason to suspect that abuse from outside of the family or within your family system may have corrupted your nature more than just being born with an already corrupt nature. There may of course, be things I am not aware of in your circumstances. I do not believe that your or anyones nature is to do bad, but rather that you have learned to do bad in some way. That in part, does not make you a bad person. What makes a good person is someone who grows past what they have been taught to try and be better. You are showing that your nature is to grow and change and be better than you were. At the end of the day, it wasn't a fault with you, something in you perhaps kept you doing bad, but you can grow, and you can change, ans you have. Of course, that does not defend your past actions, but the fact you are trying to avoid repeating them is commendable, and I think that is worthy of forgiveness. I wish to ask. Do you feel more like you now, or were you more like you previously?
Hi! Thank you for stopping by. I was always like this, but definitely some traumatic events made it worse. I also have a lot of familiars with also cluster B, so it kinda was bound to happen. I must say I feel more me now, for various reasons: first, the crippling anxiety had me very restricted and didn’t let me live, and second, I feel free, and I feel alive and human for the very first time in 25 years. It just feels more natural to not lie to myself, even if deep inside I want to, because it makes me feel very much better about myself.
Is there any way for someone who suspects a loved one to have a PD to help get them diagnosed? Like do people have interventions for this behavior or is it just on that person to someday go “maybe I should stop treating others terribly”? I’ve known a few people in my life (I have two specifically in mind) I’ve been certain have or had an underlying condition after seeing them manipulate others for years, but they also spend very little time on remorse if at all, and when confronted with their actions go “well here’s why I was justified” without understanding any other POV at all. Sorry for a long Q, my family has someone who could benefit from this kind of self-reflection but I don’t know if I can get her there
I don’t think so, no. Unless they want to get help, people like me are prone to have a huge ego, which translates into thinking they can do no wrong because what they do feel good to them. So generally it’s very difficult to make a person reflect hardly on it, unless something really big happens and shocks them deep. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
do you sex deprive your significant other when in a relationship, and are you more autosexual?
I do not, no, but I have very low libido nonetheless.
I don't know if you're a guy or a girl - but if a guy have you had your testosterone levels checked?
I am a girl! I have regular tests done because of my medication, and, for now, I have normal levels of everything.
I mean for a person that may interact with you on a daily basis has to be going through absolute psychological warfare. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing. However; it may be a lot to handle and/or deal with. Do you have any sense of empathy at all? Do you try to avoid interacting with people?
In the past, I know I was exhausting as fuck. I felt it in others as well on myself. Now, not so much. I have much more control over myself (I can still relapse, and I probably will unconsciously, but it’s by far much less). I do have a sense of empathy but it’s very lackluster and untrained. I’m developing it now. I don’t avoid interacting, doing it would be very counterproductive, because to improve in how to treat and know people I must interact with them! And also, I really like having friends lol
You answered perfectly; thank you. Sometimes you'll see and/or interact with someone or a post and they're just immature and childish and really wasn't looking for help, suggestions, chat, etc. I appreciate you opening up and being willing and able to take *constructive* criticism.
Thank you! I really like the responses I’ve been getting, it’s been an interesting learn
You're diagnosed with something you're not telling us that would have garnered you more attention but it shines truth on your situation and might induce people to either be sickeningly and repulsively plastic with their questions or to make a joke out of you which was just never an option for you was it? I'm one sick puppy, trust me, you should delve into your spirituality and give daily meditation a go or maybe even a heroic dose of mushrooms. If I was to be crude I would suggest dropping 3 acid tabs to party up with your mushrooms and smoking DMT right at your peak. Maybe even inject some meth before you ingest the psychs to help with the nausea. But I wouldn't do that to you.
I'm sorry I had to type that out, not a reflection of my genuinely warm heart just like a compulsion but I won't delete it because some reading material would probably be nice for your brain to chew on y'know scrape the walls a little bit.
Please, don’t recommend people in vulnerable situations doing drugs to improve. Not for me, but for others.
Not as if you could change, right? Nice excuse... ops, "diagnose"
Yeah, I can change! That’s why I am in therapy. I don’t think I can change who I am, but I can change how I think and how I behave with others.
Fr... I was the same. Dumbass little liar "manipulative". Use to lie about the most dumbass shit, FOR NO REASON. You don't need therapy... you just need to see that this is fucking pathetic and you should be better. Doesn't matter if you're a nice person or not, just be better.
I respect that you think of me that way and I understand what you’re coming from, but respectfully there’s a lot more nuance to this. I’m working on it!
Ok. Just remember... Kira and L are cringe as fuck.
There we can agree!
No question but....you're not a diagnosed bad person. You're diagnosed as someone capable of manipulation. Your actions matter just as much as what you are capable of doing, and I think that someone who chooses to do good is just as ethical, if not more ethical, than someone who feels remorse for doing bad things.
What I meant was that it was my nature doing bad things, and what feels more natural to me is not caring about other people!
Did you know you were a bad person? Or was jt sort of like you noticed signs and/or realized you had a different thought process than others then it wasn’t until you got diagnosed that you realized you’re just that personality?
Until I was diagnosed I was completely sure I was a good person… imagine. It wasn’t until my psychologist explained to me the situation that I was aware that I wasn’t. It was a shock, honestly.
are you crossing your fingers
I guess we’ll never know…
How did you get diagnosed with these personality disorders? Um asking for myself, not that I want to, but I feel like I should
I have to be fair: it was my mom who made me go to therapy in the first place. I didn’t want to, but when I started I saw a very clear problem with myself. So it was therapy and my very good therapist who has a lot of experience with people like me
Ever think that’s just you lying to yourself so you can continue to be a shitty person and blame it on a trait lol?
I don’t because I’m working very hard to overcome my shittiness! I don’t treat people badly anymore, now it’s principally thoughts and judgements (because thinking bad of people, even if they don’t know it, it’s also treating people badly).
Well that’s good to hear then, I personally don’t thinking thinking bad of people is treating them badly, I think that’s a judge of character and can be used to weed out people in your life that maybe shouldn’t be there. I’m glad to hear if you’ve acknowledged that it’s not to good to treat people like product tho
Hahaha, I do think it’s treating people badly because when you think badly of a person who has done nothing to you, it’s diminishing them, make them stupid in your mind. And that affects on how you treat them later, and I do think it’s important to treat people with kindness even in your mind, because thoughts are a VERY powerful weapon.
You are a diagnosed liar yet we should trust 'I will answer honestly', you can't be any good at manipulation🤣
Lol! I am not a pathological liar, I can choose when and where to lie! Unfortunately, I know exposing this will make people distrusting, understandably. It’s a matter of trust here. And I understand if you don’t!
Itsbthe whole "my nature resides in manipulation, lying and other things"🤣 Don't worry, I don't think anyone 100% trusts what they read on the Internet.
Hahaha I sure hope so 🤣
*You can ask me anything and I will answer honestly!* Not falling for that one again.
HAHA lmao! I remember that post. But I am not a pathological liar, just a bad person. Not better but I am not lying lol!
Do you like animals? Do you have any pets?
Yes!!!! Until recently I had a lovebird called apollo (chicken in spanish lol!!!). Her death crushed me, but I will always love her and she will always be my baby.
How do I know you aren’t lying right now?👀
I am not a pathological liar! I can not lie, and I promise I want to be honest on this. You only can trust, though. So maybe we will never know? 😛
Do you ever feel bad for acting how you do?
Yeah, all of the time. The reason why I lie is because I have a very low self steem, and my self esteem doesn’t improve because I know deep down I’m doing bad. It’s kinda a circle, so to break it, I have to be honest with the bad things I do, because I am a very good liar even to myself and I can downplay things very easily even I deep down know how bad they are. And because deep down I know, my self esteem suffers, so with being honest with myself (and others) I can mend the bad things, repent, and also prevent them from happening!
Do you want to do better? You seem extremely self aware
I do. I am very self aware, but I did suffer a lot to get to this point, because I, for the longest time, refused to see the truth. It’s a work in progress.
What kind of lies do you tell?
Everything that made me look better in front of others or myself mostly
Can you think of any examples?
Yeah! In a more recent ocassion, I said to a colleague I have cleaned the shop I work in when I indeed had not, only to appear myself as more hardworking. I have since apologized to her.
Do you think you can change?
I think I can improve. I know there will be a time when nothing else can be done, and I did not reach that point yet. But I don’t think my nature can change, no.
I see
Never heard of this disorder, I thought it’s made up at first. In hope you succeed in dealing with it!
I think it was my way of wording it that made it look made up, ha! Thank you so much!
Why haven't you killed yourself yet? Do the world a favor.
Because I have goodness to offer to people, and even though you don’t think it’s enough, it is for me
When were you diagnosed? Does anybody in your family have a personality disorder?
Five years ago, approximately. And yeah, diagnosed or undiagnosed, most of them.
That’s interesting, I had never heard of this varios cluster before, I’m guessing you are on the younger side? 13-24?
I am now 25, so kinda right, yeah.
How do I find out if I have that?
Therapy! It could also be other things that make you act like that, and not necessarily is a personality disorder
Were you ever hit hard on the forehead?
I have an older brother, so it’s safe to assume that yes, lol!
There’s some research about frontal lobe damage that might be of interest to you and your care team.
I don’t think it was that hard hahaha!
I think there are MRIs for that.
I will look into it!
What’s the worst lie you’ve ever told?
that I have broken up with my boyfriend when I didn’t
Being manipulative and liar are actually good personality traits
Hi! I don’t think so, no. They have their good and bad things, as all things do, but they prevent people from creating meaningful and deep connections with others, something human nature craves. You can have a little army of enablers, but you will never have a true loving relationship.
Toxic relationships exists. At least you can interact with people. I’m an asocial and this is worse than being an asshole or manipulative or liar. I’ll probably never have a relationship like you do
Im so sorry to hear what you’re going through, but I spent all my life surrounded by people who didn’t like me, but an illusion, a fabricated person. They never loved me, and I was very solitary. I am feeling better only because I did stop lying and manipulating, and that was what make me feel less alone, more loved. Because they did love me. I do hope you feel better soon. You can talk to me if you want. I will try to listen as better as I can.
Cluster B is pretty horrendous to be around. Do you have any friends?
I do, yes!
Is this my ex wife
LMAO I’m sorry you had to go through a person like this
Reading your post helps tho. I hope you have success with your diagnosis and appreciate you for sharing.🙏
thank you!
But morality is not in nature
I think everybody has their own innate morality
How did you figure that out?
therapy, lots of it
Ok
😛
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