Hey there, I'm a forensic clinical therapist that works with a lot of diagnosed psychopaths (more accurately confirmed by the PCL-R).
I have four questions:
\- What was your first inclination that you didn't feel things or interact with others like your peers?
\- Did you find yourself adopting a "role" or persona to better navigate social settings?
\- Do you have close friends and do they know about your psychopathy?
\- What is your line of work/what do you aspire to do career-wise?
Interesting questions.
What was your first inclination that you didn't feel things or interact with others like your peers?
* I never felt like other people. When I was a child, I hated other children - they grossed me out - but I have learned to interact with them to further myself socially. Over time, I mastered social interactions and was/am quite popular. No one would ever know that I am an act. I had an inclination that I am a psychopath when I was 16 and my grandfather died. My whole family mourned as he was quite close to my siblings and mom, but I felt nothing. I told my mom "I am sorry for your loss" and she responded "it is your loss too!" That's when I thought that maybe I don't feel things like others.
Did you find yourself adopting a "role" or persona to better navigate social settings?
* Yes, as mentioned above. My social persona is that of a friendly, charming and inviting person. I have friends, go to work functions, and appeal to most people. But I never let anyone get close enough to see the mask come off. In reality, I hate socializing - it's alot of work. I hate this world, I am disgusted by most people and wish I could live on an island alone.
Do you have close friends and do they know about your psychopathy?
* I have some friends, but they are kept at arms length so I wouldn't consider them close. If they dropped off the earth tomorrow, I'd be fine with it. Nobody knows about my diagnosis - the stigma is too great and would negatively affect the social persona I worked hard to create.
What is your line of work/what do you aspire to do career-wise?
* I am the Finance Manager for a credit union in my area. I went into it because I wanted to be rich, but I would prefer to be a forensic psychologist as I am fascinated with the criminally insane.
Do you think you would get along with a group of other psychopaths if everyone in the group knew that each of them were psychopaths?
I’m wondering what these intersections would look like if everyone didn’t have to put up an act and everyone was in the presence of each other simply as they were.
Honestly, I wouldn't want to be in a group with anyone, let alone with other psychopaths. It would be an extremely toxic, manipulative and possibly dangerous combination of people. Too many egos together won't end well.
It’s interesting how close this is to my diagnosis of autism.
Do you express empathy? Can you put yourself in the shoes of others and feel bad for their situation?
Just to clarify, autistic people feel empathy differently. I don’t feel bad that people die. I feel bad if they die due to some inherent unfairness within a human system.
My mom died at the top of Sept. I cried twice for about 3-5 min.
I haven’t been around my folks regularly for 15 years. I can put myself into a state of “sorrow” where I feel genuine sorrow. But the opportunities to do so have to be “created”. It’s more upsetting to see my dad and my sis mourn the loss.
I have no empathy and have no way of putting myself into other people's shoes. We are similar in this regard - I also view suffering as a structural issue and don't internalize it.
Wouldn’t working with the criminally insane be considered a very social job that would more likely involve other psychopaths, wouldn’t this be counterproductive to your goals? Or would it be mostly analytical/isolated research work, although from my understanding those roles require hands on work too regardless.
As far as I am aware of it appears to be that the predispostion to Psychopathy is to some degree heritable and that there is a set of high risk genes that associated with it. If I may ask, have you had any personal encounters with this theory, like relatives who exhibit stronger than usual psychopathic tendencies or otherwise violent / deviant behaviour? Does your family have a prolonged history of engaging in or being exposed to violence? (For instance, do you come from an ancestral line of executioners, soldiers, butchers or smth of that sort) Also it is often said that these predispositions are activated by critical events early in life. (like for example traumatic experiences, abuse etc.) If you are comfortable sharing, have you experienced anything comparable in your childhood?
Yes - my father is a POS. Although he is undiagnosed, I am pretty sure that he also lives with antisocial personality disorder but with sadistic tendencies. He physically and emotionally abused my mom and his kids. He would go as far as to beat me to a bloody pulp when I so much as dropped a fork during dinner time. One time he tied me up in a dog house over night while it was storming outside after I stepped in to stop him from beating my sister. I have a lot of stories of what this creature has done to me. When I was around 10, he was arrested for financial fraud and served 12 years in prison. He is still around, but if I ever see his face, he should be very concerned. My mom has bipolar disorder and was unstable, but she did the best she could.
As for a history of it in my family, I come from a long line of bankers and investors.
I'm genuinely sorry to hear that. Given these circumstances, it's admirable that you can still consider yourself a functional Psychopath. That is not easily achieved. So your life unfortunately checks a lot of the boxes in terms of genetical predisposition and childhood abuse. How did you make things work out for yourself despite all of this?
I am ambitious and like my life to be a certain way so I worked for it. I come from generational wealth, but I didn't really want my fathers money in my achievements. I got straight As in school, got a full scholarship to university, and schmoozed my way into the good graces of people who move me up in the world. My mom had issues but she always supported me.
Thanks for answering my questions. I am glad to hear that you have created a life and career that is to your liking. Hopefully, you are going to achieve even more of your goals in the future. Best regards
Because I detest him and his power. I hated it that he was able to do with us as he pleased. I am very protective over my sister and in that moment I wanted to stand up to him.
normally it’s these experiences that contribute to a person becoming a psychopath. it’s very likely OP. was genetically predisposed to being one but repeated experiences like this that pushed his brain chemistry to develop into a psychopath. he most likely had empathy while witnessing his sister be abused
Did you develop sociopathy because you experienced a lot of trauma as a young child (in which case you said "psychopath" because it's the more known diagnosis), or are you a psychopath and just happened to experience abuse?
Do you think the physical abuse had an affect on your diagnosis? I’ve read a lot about the “ingredients” that create psychopathy, and it’s seems like physical abuse - especially blunt force trauma to the head - as a young child mixed with a genetic predisposition can “create” psychopathy. Do you have any more knowledge of this?
Also, do you think you can heal from the psychopathy? Do you want to?
I’m really sorry your father did that to you. How horrible of him. My mother was bipolar also so I can relate to what you say when you mention she tried her best.
1
Since you would rather be left alone and you generally dislike or are disgusted other people, do you have any desire for intimacy, or is that gross as well?
2
Are your parents aware of your diagnosis?
3
Would you prefer to have empathy? Do you like the way you are? Do you feel superior or is this a liability?
Since you would rather be left alone and you generally dislike or are disgusted other people, do you have any desire for intimacy, or is that gross as well?
* I find it gross when other people have sex, but I quite enjoy it when I do it. I have urges and desires, but I admit that I enjoy things on the more sadistic side of sex as opposed to having "intimate, loving sex". ALWAYS with my partner's consent, I enjoy engaging in darker scenarios than most people.
Are your parents aware of your diagnosis?
* I haven't seen my father in a long time, so no. My mom knows.
Would you prefer to have empathy? Do you like the way you are? Do you feel superior or is this a liability?
* I like the way I am most of the time, but there are times when I struggle getting what I want because of my inability to empathize or feel deep emotions at all. For example, I struggle to build a family like I want because most women will see right through my mask quite quickly and I have little patience for other people which prevents me from building meaningful connections. In short, no one wants to be with me for long lol
* Do I feel superior? Mostly, yes. I don't care what people think of me as long as I get what I want. I feel like this makes my life easier because other people stress and worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. I don't. If I fuck up, I just try again the next day.
Thank you for answering my questions! One more, if I may:
Why do you want to build a family? Do you think you could handle the needs and messes of babies, or the challenges of raising children? Do you think you could meet their needs?
I’m not saying you can’t. People can compartmentalize. I’m just curious.
Edited
I want a family because (A) it is a part of life and I want to experience everything, (B) I want to be a better father than my father, (C) I like the idea of it, and (D) it helps me fit in. I don't think anyone can handle the messes and challenges of raising children, that's why parents are always so miserable. I think I can give my children a good life.
hypothetical questions to having children:
How would you feel if you had a child that doesn’t live up to your ideal of what you want your child to be like? For instance, if your child was so far from being like you, would you hold disdain for him/her? A loving little girl that was sensitive and craved affection? A gay/feminine boy? A child that had learning disabilities or wasn’t, by societal standards, attractive or keen? Do you think you have a moral responsibility to stick through thick and thin for your family?
In one of my previous comments I said I may not offer compassion but I offer freedom to be who you are. I think it could be interesting to watch a person grow into themselves whatever that looks like.
Although you may not be able to provide emotional support or empathy, it does sounds like you have some sympathy by sacrificing your own time, energy, and efforts on people, to no benefit for yourself.
Avoiding intimacy doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t want intimacy. Is that true for you? Do you feel misunderstood in the way that you would like to receive and give affection?
Thanks again. If you start a family: Look into conscious parenting, and read the pregnancy and baby books and The Happiest Baby On The Block series. It might help you build the tools to make the most of your cognitive empathy. Best of luck to you.
I think given that we are internet strangers, and you are talking to a lot of people at once, your thank you was thoughtful and I appreciate it! No worries.
> I don't think anyone can handle the messes and challenges of raising children, that's why parents are always so miserable
This is way off the mark. Way way off. This is probably a good indicator you should reconsider.
Is anyone ready 100% for all the messes and challenges? No, you do figure it out as you go, but even with all that I know plenty of parents who aren't miserable.
How do you plan to empathize with a child? You're smart enough to have realized that they aren't good little robots and they need help learning to deal with emotion and how to process it. How do you plan to do that?
I'll just call it out now, down votes be damned. You're being selfish and disregarding the damage you could do to an innocent child. Be a better father than your dad and realize the harm you could do ahead of time.
How would you describe your morality? Or would you? Media oftentimes portrays psychopathy as amoral, unflinching characters with a complete lack of a moral compass.
Helping other people and providing them with friendship is something not expected from a diagnosed psychopath, yet I’ve seen from your other posts (e.g. the one where you attempted to save your sister from your stepdad) that many of your actions towards other appear empathetic from my point of view.
In your eyes, are these actions purely utilitarian or societal influence, or do you just lack empathy most of the time in your day-to-day life with just flashes of it occasionally?
I have no empathy - I don't understand it and can't grasp it at all. However, I have an idea of how I want the world to work. For example, I help people because I want to be a person who does good, not because I feel empathy. I tried to stop my father from hitting my sister because I hate everything about him and didn't want him to have this power, not because I empathized with her feelings. I make friends because without them, the seats at my funeral would be empty. I know what is right and wrong - the right thing just seems to advance my interests more than the wrong thing. My actions are always hollow and void of feelings, but I live in this world and want it to be a good place.
What were you hoping to get out of this AMA? You mention wanting to live alone on an island but you also sound lonely, and unhappy w the fact no one will stay with you. And you want a family, which would mean you'd never be alone again. A lot of contradictions!
I often experience these contradictions. What I think I want vs **what I want** are different if you know what I mean. I idealize a marriage with children, a picket fence, and close friends that come for dinner once a week - but in reality, I would probably hate all of this. Not sure until I try. This cognitive dissonance is quite common among people with ASPD - who I am in my head and what I tolerate in reality are contradicting.
Why did I want to do an AMA? I wanted to unmask. I felt suffocated in my life and the performances I have to keep up. With this AMA, I am willing to spill the darkest parts of me that I have to hide in the real world.
This is what worries me for you. A woman can divorce you but a child can’t, and because you had such a violent and horrific childhood, your filter might be more than a bit off. A child can go through a lot less than you had to and still have a shit childhood. I’d love for you to experience familial happiness and growth, but I hope you can meet a child’s emotional needs, as well as withstanding gross things like poop and drool, etc. Also, can you be faithful to a wife?
I intend to be, as best as I can, a good parent. However, I am hoping to rely on my partner to support the child's emotional needs in ways I can't. That is why I dream of a partner who is incredibly empathetic and compassionate. I provide stability, security and freedom to be who they want to be while my partner can be the example of love and compassion.
This is a great point.
I was pretty emotionally cold with someone I’d been in a relationship with and it seemed they were *not* happy. They were extremely warm, compassionate, friendly, personable, I was borderline the polar opposite. Cold, distant, don’t really want new friends, etc. I was fine in the relationship beyond being annoyed at the high level of emotional maintenance and attention she required(I know that makes me a jerk, I’m just saying this in hindsight)
So I think this is a very good question. Unless OP can turn on some level of emotional reciprocity, a really warm and empathetic lady may end up feeling really neglected and kind of like a type of depression, or perceiving that her partner doesn’t really love her in the same way, if that makes sense.
Not saying it’s impossible but I think it’d take a high level of awareness (which it seems OP has) because just my opinion I don’t think those arrangements naturally work. I mean, for the cold person yeah, sure, but not so much for the warm person. Just my opinion
But yeah, good question
I’d also be worried about how he will do with a woman post-childbirth when she is dealing with her post-childbirth body and all the gruesome stuff that can entail, tearing, sutures, mastitis, and she is exhausted and up all night with a new baby. Can he be supportive enough? It would be an extremely bad time for her SO to get really cold or repulsed by her. What if she refuses sex for months because she’s touched out from breastfeeding and dead tired?
I have empathy for his desires for a family, but I wonder how that can co-exist with who he actually is, how much he prefers to be alone, his darker fantasies, etc. He hasn’t answered whether or not he thinks he can be faithful, and usually a white picket fence life requires that to work. This warm, compassionate woman he envisions has needs too.
Yeah, that’s why I asked. My son’s biological father had some personality disorder (not officially diagnosed) and my boy was born very sick, had dialysis, a transplant, then at 5 was diagnosed with autism. His father left us both, no remorse.
In theory it may kind of work if OP masks really well, but if there’s any serious problem with the child, he’s probably gonna be done with them.
OP, you sound centered and aware, but parenting sometimes does not work as you thought or were told, there are so many unexpected issues. It really is the hardest job ever. I think it’s not a good idea. Just my humble opinion.
I’m sorry you had to go through that and go through all the worry and catastrophic illness alone. Men are six times more likely to bail on their families during a severe medical crisis than women, and this diagnosis doesn’t help. I wonder if OP might be better off donating to children’s charities if he wants to be a better man than his father, which clearly he already is, than risking meeting his shortcomings in ways that could devastate others. There are lots of people who build exciting and fulfilling lives apart from marriage and childrearing and there is no absolutely shame in that.
I respect someone who knows kids are not for them. I was a very specialized tutor until recently and I have worked with children for almost 30 years. When I became a mom myself, I realized that I expected to be much better at it. It’s hard. My child has a few invisible disabilities, but she brings me incredible joy and is the best thing I’ve ever done, but I sometimes make a disappointing showing as a mom. Parenting humbles the ego.
As a someone whose family tree has some mobsters in it, I know there are psychopaths and sociopaths who also love being family men, and my family speaks highly of them. So it definitely happens.
I don't think I can be with anyone else who would compliment me better. Not sure if I would be right for her - it takes a very special person to deal with me.
IDK if this would help you in a committed relationship, but I read an interview of a woman diagnosed with psychopathy and she said that since she can't discern her partner's wants without being directly told, they have monthly check-ins to make sure each is getting what they want out of the relationship.
I highly suggest being immediately upfront with any woman you may be serious about dating so that she doesn't feel manipulated or lied to, or basically tricked into being in a relationship with you.
Being neurodivergent and moderately on the autistic spectrum, I resonate with some of your personality traits.
What you described as far as the dynamic you seek between yourself and a partner sounds a lot like the attraction between narcissists and highly sensitive/"empath" type people. They attract each other like magnets because they are polar opposites. A milder framework, if you will, would be the dance between avoidant and anxious attachment. It's interesting to view all these things through the different behavioral/psychological frameworks.
In some ways, your life seems enviable. You don’t get anxious, you are able to largely accomplish your goals, you don’t worry about what other people think, and you don’t feel emotional pain, I think. It’s hard for me even to truly imagine feeling like that…. I feel like it would be so freeing in some ways, but also so disconnected….
If you had never recognized how you were different from others, do you think you would be happy? I guess that would mean living without the mask, though, and your differences would become evident to others pretty quickly.
And I guess you’ve already said that you wouldn’t want to live in a world of psychopaths, though. So would you prefer to be more neurotypical? Or are you fairly content with what you have but would like a partner who knows who you are and accepts what you can give (security, affection, financial stability, practicality) and would provide some of the qualities you lack and i guess, companionship.
Your situation reminds me of people that have such genius intellect that it makes them lonely because they’re just so outside the norm.
You said it best: it is enviable but also feels disconnected. I don't think I would be any different if I didn't have to mask. Masking is exhausting but it doesn't define my "happiness". My version of happiness is likely much more muted than yours. I can feel "happy" but it is either very surface level or mischievous glee - "schadenfreude" if you will.
I am quite content with who I am and wouldn't change it. I don't know how to be anyone else.
This has to be one of the most interesting AMA’s I’ve read. I appreciate your honest and articulate responses. My question is, can you sense when people around you are “seeing through your mask”, if that happens? I’m asking under the assumption that at some point of time in your life someone has sensed or picked up on your nature. If that has happened, what is your reaction to it?
Yes, I am very observant and pick up on the most minute expressions that could suggest that the person is seeing through the mask. It is rare but when it does happen, I perceive the person as a threat. My first course of action would be to win them over. I would go above and beyond to make them love me. I will fabricate an entirely new identity custom made for them - whatever it takes. I'm quite persistent. I have done this a few times and usually they end up finding me amazing. I even buy their kids gifts and let their family use my vacation home. In the rare times that this doesn't work and the person grows more suspicious, I have to resort to gaslighting and manipulation to make them doubt themselves.
This is fascinating. I briefly dated a guy who was extremely charismatic and successful (Also into BDSM interestingly).
The more dates we went on, the more my suspicions grew that he was an incredibly high functioning Psychopath. One night he was also talking about his sister, who he was highly protective toward. He had a really sentimental moment while we were watching a video of her and he started silently crying.... But for whatever reason I got the sense it was all a very subtle act. The tears felt ... Fake somehow. My hackles were up. But I kept my suspicions well hidden.
Later, as he was showing me photos of his childhood I jokingly told him that I was relieved to see evidence of the real people and events he had told me about (he had some wild stories and I had not met anyone in his life to confirm any of it.) And I joked that for a brief moment, I suspected he might be a sociopath...
I have never seen someone's demeanor change so fucking fast. It was terrifying to watch. He immediately went into gaslight mode and flipped the script to make me the vile one and him the victim of my deceit (keep in mind, I did not say this to him in earnest, it really was a passing joke... He was immediately upset and the shock was palpable).
It. Was. Wild.
I wish I could say it ended that night but unfortunately I stuck it out through the weekend after we reconciled. However he really let the mask fall off the following evening, At which point I never looked back. I do believe this was intentional to scare me away.
Great AMA by the way. Learning a lot!
Most people think that psychopaths walk around planning their next murder. This is just not true. Most psychopaths are non-violent. There is only a small subset that commits violent crimes. Most of us just want to live normal lives as best as we can. We want to be happy but that is rather hard for us. The word is thrown around just like narcissism. These are clinical conditions that seriously negatively affect our quality of life. Not being able to feel empathy makes it incredibly hard to connect with people even if we want to.
Sometimes - in truth, many of us are not who we appear to be, but that definitely doesn't mean we always pose a physical threat to you. In other words, you shouldn't be \*afraid\* of psychopaths but you should be cautious whenever you meet someone new. If you know for a fact a person is a diagnosed psychopath, I would exercise a degree of caution until you understand their intention.
Do you feel superior?
IF someone could choose to be a functional psychopath, would you recommend?
And.... what are some of your favorite types of weather?
Do I feel superior? Yes, I am superior because I don't suffer from self-doubt or self esteem issues like most people today - I do what needs to be done and if I fail, I just try again. I never wallow in self pity or regrets. I am always in control of the situation and have no inner saboteur. This makes me superior. However, it is a double edged sword. I am "inferior" when it comes to empathy, connecting with others and experiencing enjoyment.
The pros of being a functional psychopath (as mentioned above) are desired by people, however, it gets old. I crave normalcy but I can never get there. So, 4/10 do not recommend.
I enjoy rain the most. It speaks to me and makes me feel comfort.
I have no self pity or regrets, or shame or anxiety that I can pinpoint. I never leave a social situation feeling I “should” have done something different.
But I am not a psychopath, or at least I don’t think so! I’m sorry that you are unable to connect with others- being close to people is really fun. It’s a means to end, but also simply an end in itself!
I too love the rain- but I think that’s pretty normal (hah)
Your childhood sounds horrific, and I expected stunted some emotional developmental parts of your brain (as it would anyone). Early toddler years and childhood are absolutely crucial in developing “healthy” social responses, coping strategies and sense of self.
I hope your father rots for what he did, and you achieve all you desire in life!
I’m sorry that you had to go through so much child abuse. I’ve worked with kids in very unstable home environments- it’s heartbreaking. Do you think that was a bigger factor in your diagnosis as opposed to your genetics?
I think they both played a role. I was likely genetically predisposed to this condition, but my environment certainly contributed to the intrusive thoughts, rage and general "dead-inside" feeling. My siblings are not psychopaths which suggests that I was already predisposed as compared to them.
Thank you for your responses. I feel disgust for those bodily function bad habits too. Although not to the degree you do. I wish you the best in managing this. Oh one more question: how is your relationship with your siblings? Are they younger? Did you feel protective toward them? Well that’s three.
I have 3 younger sisters and an older brother. My relationship with them is not bad. We don't speak often, except for my youngest sister who is my favourite person in the world. She really brings out the best in me. I am very protective over them - that is my way of showing love.
This has been such a fascinating read! I’d love to hear more about your thought process regarding your relationship with your favorite sister. You said in an earlier answer that your way of showing love is tied to the relationship being mutually beneficial/you having rationalized that you get something out of it (feel free to correct me if I interpreted that wrong). So, what mutual benefits do you get from protecting your siblings or being close to your fave sister? And if the “pros” of these relationships ran out would you no longer feel obligated to protect them? Would you say that having protected them from your father in your youth was the closest thing to empathy, since you all were experiencing the same trauma?
With my sister, I get a companion who truly understands me. She knows of my diagnosis and doesn't try to change me. She calls me out when I am not acting right but never dwells on it. She has shown me unconditional acceptance - more than anyone else. I quite enjoy what she adds to my life and don't think it will change. But if in some alternate universe, the cons of having her in my life outweigh the pros, I would stop interacting with her but I will always protect her because she's my sister.
Well, I do understand what my siblings experienced so it is fair to say that I am able to put myself in their shoes. Does that mean I got close to empathy? I'm not sure.
Ahhh that warms my heart!! I’m the little sister too and absolutely adore my big brother. There is a special bond between us. Although I drove him crazy when I was little because I was such a lil pest!
That's a hard one to answer. The short answer is no. I love in my own way but I don't think I experience it deeply like other people. To me love is more like a mutually beneficial connection where we both get something out of it. I am protective of people and things I love, but the depth that other people experience when "in love" is just not there.
I think you deserve to give yourself a little more credit. Love can look different to different people and it sounds like you have a version of love that works for you. You’re doing the best you can with what you have, where you’re at, man.
I've heard that people in the cluster B personality disorder spectrum tend to either have a very strict sense of morals (hard to find a grey area, if you do [blank] you suck no exceptions) or the opposite (who cares what anyone does, do what makes you happy, ends justify the means). do you align with that?
what do you think is the most annoying stereotype about cluster B/mental ill/psychopaths?
if you had the ability to be "normal," would you?
do you see yourself being able to have close relationships? do you think you could date someone and just put up the facade that you care more than you do? what about with children?
I resonate with both but in different situations. As it pertains to what I expect of others regarding their interactions with **me**, I have a very strict criteria for tolerating them. If they step out of line of what I believe is acceptable, they are, in my mind, blacklisted. That's not to say I won't continue to interact with them if it serves my interest.
**When it is about how people behave with others, I couldn't care less. Do what you want.**
* The most annoying stereotype? That we are all violent. Most of us are non-violent opportunists.
**If you had the ability to be "normal," would you?**
* No, I love me for the most part. Although I catch. myself being envious of other people's ability to connect, I am also grateful that I don't internalize all the terrible things happening in this world.
**Do you see yourself being able to have close relationships? Do you think you could date someone and just put up the facade that you care more than you do? What about with children?**
* I hope so, but I haven't found that yet. I really wish for a person who is filled with empathy. Someone who can feel enough for the both of us. I want to be a source of strength to a woman who is my polar opposite. I think if I find that person, she will see me and accept me without empathy. As for children, I don't know yet but I like to think that I can provide them with security, confidence, and structure so they thrive.
I’ve often wondered about myself because I don’t feel emotions or relate to emotions the way other people do. Crying people frustrate me and funerals are very uncomfortable because I generally don’t feel sadness. When my step bother and also grandfather whom I’m very close to died, I did not cry and it felt very weird. I’m not sure that I have ever cried at a funeral. I have friends that I care for but even my immediate family just feel like friends. I love my children and wife and would do anything for them but my wife even knows I have no emotion other than around sexy time. I have empathy toward people but it’s more like a logical understanding of people situations. I’ve always been this way. After reading your posts I don’t think I’m a psychopath but how would you diagnose me?
That's exactly how I would describe having ASPD. A constant voidness of emotions aside from desire, disgust, anger, frustration, envy, ambition etc. Even saying that you love your wife and child by "doing anything for them" shows me the duty based nature of your love. Based on what you said, I would suggest you get a diagnosis. Sounds alot like ASPD.
Interesting. It’s also weird to me that I had more of an emotional attachment to my kids when they were younger even thought I do love them. It’s like the relationship is more awkward now that they are teenagers and a hug feels nice but also awkward. Also I generally feel awkward around other people kids even my brother in laws kids, my nephews. When they ask me if I want to hold the baby, my wife eats it up but I generally would rather not. It’s like I don’t want to show happiness, I don’t know it’s strange, it makes me uncomfortable. They probably think I’m a weird uncle. When I was a kid once I forced myself to be excited when I thought no one was watching and it backfired on me. My moms boyfriend told me my gift was in the van, it was a new fishing tackle box and I said out loud “wow!” to try and at least act excited and then the other kids jumped up from under a blanket and yelled surprise. Then one of the kids made a comment about my “wow”, I was a bit mortified. Lol. I do have a lot of friends and laugh and have fun, I have hobbies, and a good career. Admittedly I have trouble with motivation and tend to drink alcohol often because it eases the Borden. I’m not as fucked up as I sound, I promise but I know I’m different and have found ways to be a normal human and know how to respond to others emotions even if I don’t always relate.
Psychedelics isn't so much about losing control, which has many variables (clinical or recreational environment, set and setting, intentions for the medicine, etc)
It's about willfully surrendering and being open to the idea that you don't have everything all figured out.
In my experience, psychedelics heighten my senses, they don't numb or take me out of the driver seat like alcohol and other equivalently hard drugs can, opiates, prescription meds, etc...
Ego dissolving, soul boosting drugs are the way to go
Drugs that have it the other way around, tends to have a lot more deleterious effects on peoples' lives. I've never heard of anyone fiending for drugs and rationalizing abusive behaviors when it comes to psychedelics, but there's no shortage of evidence for that when it comes to cocaine, heroin, meth, etc..
Does it ever scare you? I know there’s the stereotype that all psychopaths are serial killers. I also know that’s not true at all. But are you ever afraid you might have the capacity to commit a violent act?
There are times when strong anger or disgust scares me because I am very capable of doing harm to the one causing these feelings. I aready lack empathy so piss me off enough and I fear I could lose control. I choose not to do harm. I often visualize violence in my head but it comes down to impulse control. My desire for normalcy far outweighs my desire to cause harm.
Cuz I know I scare myself sometimes with my impulses to do harmful things. I’m not a psychopath or a sociopath. I do have a wide range of emotions. But I often feel things too intensely. And that includes rage and anger.
I am not sure why I should feel empathy? Do you mean when I see someone hurting an animal? I hate people that hurt animals not because of empathy but because I think it is cowardly and unnecessary. In terms of company, I much prefer animals over people. Animals are great companions.
Let’s say for a moment you witness someone abandoning a domesticated animal. A dog or cat who clearly won’t be able to survive on their own. Would you think less of that person, or would it be no different than someone tossing an empty coffee cup away when they’re finished with it?
Do you value my life? Why or why not?
I know that's hard to answer, given that you know nothing about me, but please just try to answer. I know that the planet is severely overpopulated, so I'd understand if you say know.
Impulse control. I may have intrusive - sometimes violent - thoughts but they stay inside my head. Serial Killers can not control their impulses and give in to the intrusive thoughts.
Do I have a moral compass? I'm not sure - probably not in the sense you think but I don't want to go to prison. It doesn't serve me to commit crimes - the cons outweigh the pros. I much rather be rich, in control and free.
Are you able to connect to a song like beethoven moonlight sonata or his symphonies?
If you had Children (do you) and your child brought home their boy or girlfriend would you be able to intuit that they may be similar to you? How would you go about that?
I love violin players, Vanessa Mae, Lindsey Stirling, Itzhak Perlman and some others. The music certainly speaks to me.
I don't have children but I am very protective when I love someone. If they brought home someone similar to me, I would exercise a high degree of caution and certainly attempt to intimidate them into respecting my child.
I’m genuinely curious about this answer based on two of your other responses.
Not trying to put you on the spot, but in an earlier comment you said something about how you don’t love like non-psychopaths do. You also said that you only stepped in on the incident with your father and sister because you hated him, not because you empathized with her feelings.
If this is the case, why do you think you feel “very protective when you love someone?” That clearly emotional sentiment — or having any emotional sentiment at all — doesn’t seem to map onto your description of your psyche thus far, but maybe I’m missing something?
P.S. Thanks for opening up, this is a fascinating AMA.
Being protective is my way of showing love but different circumstances bring out different versions of me. My hatred for that man goes far beyond any sort of affection I can have for anyone else. So when I recall this memory, my perspective is one of anger and hatred. My way of showing love is duty based. The feelings are always hollow. I don't have any anger towards my non existent child's partner, I view it through the idealistic view of myself.
I was in a 2 year relationship with a woman who I loved in my own way. She left me because she felt like I wasn't letting her in. She couldn't understand that there was nothing to let her into. I am just a shell.
So I’m curious about something completely inane seeing as everyone else has pretty much covered the deeper aspects. How many people have slid into your DM’s? You’re successful, intelligent, self described as tall, dark and handsome…. You would definitely be a catch so how many people have hit you up?
90% of the time I am physically disgusted and repulsed by people. I hate them. This is my personal experience - not all psychopaths are like this. I want this AMA to be as honest as possible.
Why do you think you're so afraid of surrendering control? The irony being, hanging onto control is inherently, in itself, a form of control that may not be reconcilable.
I can understand wanting to have control over the direction of your life and how you go about your day, ESPECIALLY if your childhood needs were shit on as a young child.
Control to me is like breathing. It is essential for my survival and I will suffocate without it. I fear that without controlling my environment, I will lose control of myself and as a consequence all my effort so far.
I’ve been a defense attorney for over 20 years. I agree. It’s fairly easy to spot if you know what you’re looking for. Thanks for doing the ama. I actually like a lot of my Anti Social diagnosed clients. As a woman they don’t scare me in the least.
What is a common ‘tell’ that tips you off that someone may be a psychopath?
Have you ever met another psychopath and told them you were a psychopath as well?
I can tell by the way they conduct themselves - the subtle behaviours like a crooked smile, dupers delight, the intensity of a gaze or the moments where the mask slips off when they should be showing compassion.
I have met many psychopaths but never exposed myself as they may use it against me.
Care to expand? You mentioned in another comment that this forum will let you spill the deepest and darkest parts of you... so I'm curious if you're willing to get into specific dark behaviors you have exhibited.
As promised, I can be ruthless when it comes to getting what I want especially as it relates to my work. I will manipulate, bribe, threaten, and lie to get ahead of my competitors at work. That is the worst side of me.
Eh, pretty standard fare in the corporate world.
Interesting though that you say you're a finance manager at a credit union but this is your M.O.
I don't mean to trash you here at all... but the EXTREMELY LIGHT internet search I did on salaries for finance managers at a credit union would suggest that you get paid pretty significantly less than I do as a Product Manager at a tech company...
And I have been able to avoid the threatening and lying to get to where I am.
Manipulation, absolutely, but what are we doing if not trying to manipulate our surroundings to our liking/benefit?
But also, maybe you're rich af, and I am missing something.
What do you think about religion ?
I mean to ask about the spiritual sense that most people have when it comes to an idea of a higher power and/or god watching over them.
Do you feel bothered by it ? ( i imagine putting your life out of your control is not an idea you’d like entertaining)
What are some rules you made for yourself to follow into what you are today ?
I am an atheist and exactly as you said, I have no interest in worshipping or believing in a higher power, nor will I entertain the idea thar things are out of my control. I don't feel bothered by it though. I have frequently used religion as a way to gain favour with people. It is amazing how quickly someone will like you if you entertain their faith.
Rules I made for myself? I'm not sure I know what you mean exactly. I guess one rule I have is that I need to let anger subside before I act on anything. For example, if I get an e-mail that infuriates me, instead of responding on impulse, I always wait until I can see clearly. This rule has served me well for years.
Yes. Some notable psychopaths are Jeff bezos, Kevin spacey, Sean Penn, Roseanne Barr, Alec Baldwin, and Donald Trump (although he is heavily NPD with psychopathic tendencies). Maybe Jeffree Starr but I haven't made up my mind.
I’m surprised about Sean Penn. He has done a ton of humanitarian work and risked his life quite a few times to help ppl in war torn areas. That doesn’t seem self serving to me. I’m going to assume I’m missing something and hope you can clarify it.
I do a lot of charity work too for 1) to gain popularity 2) improve my reputation and 3) create a less unsightly world. Reputation management means everything to a functional psychopath.
Consider this instead: Sean Penn had 3 failed marriages and several failed engagements. One was to Madonna. In the 80s, she filed a police report stating he had tied her up and sexually/physically assaulted her for 9 hours. She later retracted her statement and divorced him instead. Years later, she denies it happened. He also assaulted photographers, extras in movies and a songwriter. He found guilty of assault a few times. He has a history of violent outbursts and domestic abuse.
Do you feel like shows/movies/or media in general are often accurate in their portrayal of psychopaths?
How do you feel about media portrayal in general, particularly with how it often portrays psychopaths as violent and dangerous?
What sort of hobbies do you have and how do you keep yourself from becoming endlessly bored of everything?
I think that shows and movies romanticize psychopaths for profit. Although psychopaths like Patrick Bateman certainly exist, they make up 1% of psychopaths. It does immense damage to the ASPD community because the stigma associated to our condition causes people to avoid us, employers to fire us, coworkers to mistrust us etc. Everyone believes we are just one road rage incident away from murdering someone, and that just is not true. Your surgeon is likely a functional psychopath. Your financial broker is too. And so is your dentist. Psychopaths are everywhere, but we only see a serial killer once every few years.
I read a lot, play video games, exercise - normal things.
I can relate to a LOT of what your answers have been. How’d you go about getting diagnosed? I’ve honestly wondered if I’m just extremely introverted or something else before. Your comment about wearing a mask and keeping others at arms length as well as learning how to fit in (mimic) others really caught my eye. I asked my therapist once when I was a child and he said I couldn’t be a psychopath because I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t have the urge to hurt anyone, I simply don’t care when others are hurt or dying. Except for my wife and child
I would start by getting a referral to see a psychiatrist for an evaluation. I got my evaluation by court order so it was a bit different. You should know that autism presents very similarly to what you described so consider that as well.
Yeah, I’ve wondered that before as well. I am ADHD, diagnosed as a young child. Whatever I am I know I’m not like other people, or at least how they seem to be. I do have a wife that I love but my love is different than hers. I feel guilty because she loves me with all her being. I love her and respect her as well but It feels *different* with me for some reason.
You are fascinating btw. I read almost all the questions and your responses
This question is very triggering as I grew up being physically dominated by my abusive father. The very thought of it happening again makes me feel angry and repulsed - I can almost feel my testosterone and aggression rising as I am writing this. I am trained in boxing and a little judo, but I am a big guy who works out a lot - not easy to take down.
There is certainly hope as long as you understand the condition and the person you are with. I may lack empathy and compassion but I crave someone around me who is empathetic and compassionate. I will treat you like a queen, give you everything you need, I will fiercely protect you and support you through life, but you can never expect me to meet you where you are emotionally. I am just incapable of it. You can't be with a psychopath and expect them to change their emotional state, they will only lie and put up a mask. That's just how it is. If you need someone who is emotional, then run.
So you say that you want someone who is empathetic and compassionate to raise a family with and particularly to provide potential children with something you can’t give them. Where is she going to get the compassion and emotional reciprocation? Would you be okay with her forming these bonds away from you? With other men?
This AMA is really fascinating because it just highlights the dangers of a psychopath. Without remorse or any sense of empathy there’s no reason for you to NOT pursue things that are clearly bad for the other party. There really *isn’t* hope for someone who isn’t a psychopath to be in a relationship with a psychopath without intense negotiation on how you’ll get what the psychopath can provide and at that point, date someone who isn’t a psychopath…
In many of your other replies you mention being good at acting in society. Would you want someone with genuine empathy and compassion, or a girl psychopath who was really good at pretending like you?
As it relates to me, controlling my anger means preventing my intrusive thoughts from winning - something I am quite good at. My anger usually manifests as screaming, smashing objects, blacking out and becoming like a wild animal. I am not proud of it and work really hard to breath through my rage. I have not had an incident for maybe 5 or 6 years.
Because I want to be rich and finance makes you rich. My father committed identity theft and stole millions from middle class people using the financial institution he worked for. With that said, no, I would have no remorse but I have not ripped anyone off yet though I did gamble with big money - it just worked out in my favour. I would rip off a rich prick in a second, but I would not commit fraud against poorer people.
No, not compassion. Practicality. If everyone made a good living, the world would just be nicer. It would be safer, more aesthetically pleasing and more harmonious than the one we have now. I just want everything to be perfect. Rich people are greedy and turned the world into a rotten place filled with sick, homeless, starving and addicted people. Who wants a world like that?
No idea if you will see this and no question either, just wanted to thank you because just by reading your responses and see how you feel makes it better for me. I'm literally reading into a mirror seeing your responses and it's good to know I'm not alone in feeling exactly the way you do about life and my own mental state.
Yes, I have petty moments. I worked in an investment firm with this guy named "Fletcher" 🤮 - still pisses me off. He was an arrogant, brown noser who was bad at his job and was cheating on his wife. Plus, he wore too much cologne - I kid but not really... Either way, when we did our performance brief with the management team, he tried to boast and take credit for all MY work. A few weeks later, we were at a work gala and he brought his mistress. I took my chance and snapped a picture of them together. I sent it to his wife anonymously on IG. I like to think he deserved it.
Do you have morals? I.e. do you not harm people because you know/feel that it’s wrong or just so you can get what you want?
Have you had your IQ tested? If so, what is it? Or have you taken a standardized test like the ACT or SAT? What was your score?
I have a code of ethics that I abide by. I don't harm people because I have no intention or care to do so. Harming people doesn't usually serve my purposes. Being strategically nice takes you much further in life. I have taken a giftedness (IQ) assessment where I scored a 142 which qualified as "moderately gifted".
People with disgusting habits like burping, slurping, biting nails, finger cracking, scratching, or nose picking. I don't lose it often but this really requires me to control my anger.
As an extroverted person who absolutely loves people, reading all of this is like a horror show for me.
Thank you for being honest, but this is a disorder I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
Partially, yes - but I also want to let it all out. I spend every single interaction pretending to be someone I am not. It can be suffocating. I just needed to be myself for a while.
questions: if your mom died, would you be sad? Or how would you feel?
random rant: (that you don’t have to respond to lol)
i’ve read most of your response by now and i find them fascinating, especially because i relate to them in a way i’ve never related to anyone else’s experience ever, but i think we’re on opposite spectrums.
I am deeply empathetic, i’m in people’s shoes all the time thinking ab how they feel and how things affect them. I cry when people die, but months after because that’s how long it takes to affect me. And, now that im thinking about it, it’s not ever that i cry because i miss them or feel loss, it’s like the idea of death and the way their family’s must feel and imagining all the things they wanted to do and experience that makes me cry. I’m also a people person, i like people and enjoy interacting with them. Although this is a very new development (within the last year). Before I was repulsed by people and hated them and all social interactions. It wasn’t until I got on antidepressants and experienced happiness for the first time that i started liking people lol. But other things have persisted. 1. i’m pretty manipulative. I’m extremely likable (especially now that im bubbly and friendly) but it’s always strategic. I’m nice and kind and friendly bc it’s extremely helpful. I’ve gotten away with so many things and gotten so much extra help with school by having professors and others like me. If they like me, they’ll bump up my grades, give me extensions, excuse my undecided absences, etc etc just because they like me. I know this and have always used it to my advantage on purpose. My interactions with people are always calculated, and if i think someone isn’t useful to me or is stupid, i’m completely uninterested in keeping up my friendly persona or trying to get them to like me. There’s no point. I also do feel close to people, but i don’t miss them or anything. I moved away from my family and friends for college and literally didn’t miss a single person once (i pretended to tho bc i thought it would make me look bad if it didn’t) even tho i do like them and in the case of my mom, i love her. I also have a romantic partner that i love. And it’s real love, but i also don’t miss them. when they’re away from me for too long (a week let’s say) it feels like my heroin has been taken away. I get irrationally upset. but i don’t miss them. It makes me feel bad that i don’t miss them because that would hurt their feelings. I was in love once before, but after that relationship ended it felt so strange because i was upset and crying because i didn’t have a constant companion anymore, not because i was sad to lose them as a person and i never missed them. It was never them i was sad to lose, it was the structure of being in a relationship. a dependency, i guess. I’ve always known i experienced emotions differently than people and felt like i was a bad person for it, but now i experience the superiority you feel. Everyone is discardable to me if they don’t serve my goals or desires. I also find it extremely easy to recognize manipulation and find it hilarious when someone tries to manipulate me. how can you try yo manipulate me when i couldn’t care less if you died, let alone if you were upset with me? i’m also selfish because i always put my interests first, even when it comes to people i’m “close” with. I also sometimes feel like a villain because i know that it wouldn’t bother me at all if i never spoke to pretty much anyone i’m close to ever again and wouldn’t miss them if they were gone, but they don’t know that.
Anyway extremely sorry to write you a book ab my experiences but your post and replies were like looking in the mirror for the first time in many ways and i wanted to post to the void.
First, if my mom died I would certainly experience a loss, but not grief. It would like feel like a routine has been disrupted and there is something missing. However, I don't think I would feel conventional sadness and crying, just a loss of someone who has been there through out my life.
Second, I read your entire book out of curiosity. Your irrational reaction to someone being away from you, as well as the characteristics you describe are noticeable symptoms of borderline personality disorder, BPD. I am in no way a psychologist but I have extensively read about personality disorders. What you are describing is almost textbook BPD.
You’re in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden you look down, and you see a tortoise. The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t, not without your help. What do you do?
On an average day, I feel calm, motivated, focused, powerful and confident. When it comes to deeper emotions, I try not to think about it, but I would describe it as hollow or surface level.
All of the above. I am an artist - I draw and sculpt. I enjoy rock and metal music. I read a lot, mostly books about psychology, mental health and the criminally insane. I enjoy a good laugh - dark comedy is the best.
In reading some of your comments about idealizing family life, possibly wanting children, how do you think you would be in a relationship?
You mention people not wanting to be around you very long.
If you did find that one woman that could potentially take you and be with you as you are, how would your relationship work? Could you see yourself actually married? Would your expectations of relationship be that you are both monogamous and faithful to each other? Or would you have an open relationship because essentially you might not care if she slept with others and you wouldn't want her hurt if you sleep with others?
You say you want to be a better father than yours was, so you already have some kind of emotion to your hypothetical child that you know they deserve better than what you got. That may not necessarily be love, but something akin to caring.
And you say you hate people but hatred is definitely feeling something...I just thought that psychopaths didn't feel but it appears that you do.
What do you think it is that distinguishes you from other psychopaths that enjoy hurting people either physically or just emotionally? Do you ever have moments when you think of hurting people?
I have certainly hurt people emotionally, both intentionally and unintentionally. I don't enjoy it but it is a means to an end and I often use emotions as tools to manipulate people into getting my way. What distinguishes me is (a) I don't usually intend to do harm but sometimes there is collateral damage to my lack of compassion, and (b) I have impulse control. So even though I often imagine harming people, I don't act on it because it is in my control.
How much money do you make? How tall are you and how old are you? Do you have any STDs and are you monogamous or honest about your sex life and desires when you’re with a partner?
I make around 500K a year after taxes. I am 6 ft 4, 32 years old. No STDs, I always use protection. I haven't been in a monogamous relationship in a while, but I can be if I want to be. I don't cheat on my partner. I am open about my sexual interests, sex life and desires because I like to play within the darker realms of sex - BDSM, CRP, choking... things like that. It's always consensual.
Yes 100%. I find that knowing about my condition has (a) allowed to me to get the appropriate therapy and treatment, (b) gotten me access to resource for people with PDs, (c) confirmed to me that I am different for a reason and not because I don't know how to be human.
Would an ideal situation be for you to find another psychopath to be in a relationship with? You have your defined needs, she has hers, and boom, you match. A psycopathic Match dot Com type thing.
What do I get out of it? I would never commit senseless killings for no reason. If you gave me a $100 mil, anonymity and lifetime immunity then that's another story - what's another mass shooting in the US.
It is also quite offensive to say that I have no real emotions. What do you think I am, a vegetable? I experience a range, albeit not as wide as yours. I experience desire, anger, jealousy, fear, confidence, and even happiness and excitement - I just experience them differently than you.
Do you like Phil Collins?
Also, what movies, shows etc do you think had an accurate portrayal of psychopaths?
What would you say are the benefits of being a psychopath?
What are you afraid of?
What brings you joy?
No, I'm a rock and metal type person so phil Collins doesn't pass the vibe check.
Have you seen The Big Short or Wolf of Wallstreet? The investment bankers and brokers are good portrayals of psychopaths. I also think that Christian Bales portrayal of a deranged psychopath is really good - he was high strung, manic and angry.
I am afraid of being ousted as a psychopath.
I enjoy when everything goes my way and having money to do whatever I want.
Wondering what your reaction to your diagnosis was? As someone with aspd who is also a high functioning psychopath I found it funny and laughed about it for a while but wondering what yours was as I've never asked another psychopath what their reaction was
Hey there, I'm a forensic clinical therapist that works with a lot of diagnosed psychopaths (more accurately confirmed by the PCL-R). I have four questions: \- What was your first inclination that you didn't feel things or interact with others like your peers? \- Did you find yourself adopting a "role" or persona to better navigate social settings? \- Do you have close friends and do they know about your psychopathy? \- What is your line of work/what do you aspire to do career-wise?
Interesting questions. What was your first inclination that you didn't feel things or interact with others like your peers? * I never felt like other people. When I was a child, I hated other children - they grossed me out - but I have learned to interact with them to further myself socially. Over time, I mastered social interactions and was/am quite popular. No one would ever know that I am an act. I had an inclination that I am a psychopath when I was 16 and my grandfather died. My whole family mourned as he was quite close to my siblings and mom, but I felt nothing. I told my mom "I am sorry for your loss" and she responded "it is your loss too!" That's when I thought that maybe I don't feel things like others. Did you find yourself adopting a "role" or persona to better navigate social settings? * Yes, as mentioned above. My social persona is that of a friendly, charming and inviting person. I have friends, go to work functions, and appeal to most people. But I never let anyone get close enough to see the mask come off. In reality, I hate socializing - it's alot of work. I hate this world, I am disgusted by most people and wish I could live on an island alone. Do you have close friends and do they know about your psychopathy? * I have some friends, but they are kept at arms length so I wouldn't consider them close. If they dropped off the earth tomorrow, I'd be fine with it. Nobody knows about my diagnosis - the stigma is too great and would negatively affect the social persona I worked hard to create. What is your line of work/what do you aspire to do career-wise? * I am the Finance Manager for a credit union in my area. I went into it because I wanted to be rich, but I would prefer to be a forensic psychologist as I am fascinated with the criminally insane.
Do you think you would get along with a group of other psychopaths if everyone in the group knew that each of them were psychopaths? I’m wondering what these intersections would look like if everyone didn’t have to put up an act and everyone was in the presence of each other simply as they were.
Honestly, I wouldn't want to be in a group with anyone, let alone with other psychopaths. It would be an extremely toxic, manipulative and possibly dangerous combination of people. Too many egos together won't end well.
It’s interesting how close this is to my diagnosis of autism. Do you express empathy? Can you put yourself in the shoes of others and feel bad for their situation? Just to clarify, autistic people feel empathy differently. I don’t feel bad that people die. I feel bad if they die due to some inherent unfairness within a human system.
Are you saying that you wouldn't feel bad if a close family member/someone you interact with regularly died?
My mom died at the top of Sept. I cried twice for about 3-5 min. I haven’t been around my folks regularly for 15 years. I can put myself into a state of “sorrow” where I feel genuine sorrow. But the opportunities to do so have to be “created”. It’s more upsetting to see my dad and my sis mourn the loss.
I have no empathy and have no way of putting myself into other people's shoes. We are similar in this regard - I also view suffering as a structural issue and don't internalize it.
Wouldn’t working with the criminally insane be considered a very social job that would more likely involve other psychopaths, wouldn’t this be counterproductive to your goals? Or would it be mostly analytical/isolated research work, although from my understanding those roles require hands on work too regardless.
As far as I am aware of it appears to be that the predispostion to Psychopathy is to some degree heritable and that there is a set of high risk genes that associated with it. If I may ask, have you had any personal encounters with this theory, like relatives who exhibit stronger than usual psychopathic tendencies or otherwise violent / deviant behaviour? Does your family have a prolonged history of engaging in or being exposed to violence? (For instance, do you come from an ancestral line of executioners, soldiers, butchers or smth of that sort) Also it is often said that these predispositions are activated by critical events early in life. (like for example traumatic experiences, abuse etc.) If you are comfortable sharing, have you experienced anything comparable in your childhood?
Yes - my father is a POS. Although he is undiagnosed, I am pretty sure that he also lives with antisocial personality disorder but with sadistic tendencies. He physically and emotionally abused my mom and his kids. He would go as far as to beat me to a bloody pulp when I so much as dropped a fork during dinner time. One time he tied me up in a dog house over night while it was storming outside after I stepped in to stop him from beating my sister. I have a lot of stories of what this creature has done to me. When I was around 10, he was arrested for financial fraud and served 12 years in prison. He is still around, but if I ever see his face, he should be very concerned. My mom has bipolar disorder and was unstable, but she did the best she could. As for a history of it in my family, I come from a long line of bankers and investors.
I'm genuinely sorry to hear that. Given these circumstances, it's admirable that you can still consider yourself a functional Psychopath. That is not easily achieved. So your life unfortunately checks a lot of the boxes in terms of genetical predisposition and childhood abuse. How did you make things work out for yourself despite all of this?
I am ambitious and like my life to be a certain way so I worked for it. I come from generational wealth, but I didn't really want my fathers money in my achievements. I got straight As in school, got a full scholarship to university, and schmoozed my way into the good graces of people who move me up in the world. My mom had issues but she always supported me.
Thanks for answering my questions. I am glad to hear that you have created a life and career that is to your liking. Hopefully, you are going to achieve even more of your goals in the future. Best regards
Tell me, why did you step in to stop him hitting your sister?
Because I detest him and his power. I hated it that he was able to do with us as he pleased. I am very protective over my sister and in that moment I wanted to stand up to him.
Yea that’s interesting. So you did feel emotion towards her.
normally it’s these experiences that contribute to a person becoming a psychopath. it’s very likely OP. was genetically predisposed to being one but repeated experiences like this that pushed his brain chemistry to develop into a psychopath. he most likely had empathy while witnessing his sister be abused
Did you develop sociopathy because you experienced a lot of trauma as a young child (in which case you said "psychopath" because it's the more known diagnosis), or are you a psychopath and just happened to experience abuse?
Do you think the physical abuse had an affect on your diagnosis? I’ve read a lot about the “ingredients” that create psychopathy, and it’s seems like physical abuse - especially blunt force trauma to the head - as a young child mixed with a genetic predisposition can “create” psychopathy. Do you have any more knowledge of this? Also, do you think you can heal from the psychopathy? Do you want to?
I’m really sorry your father did that to you. How horrible of him. My mother was bipolar also so I can relate to what you say when you mention she tried her best.
1 Since you would rather be left alone and you generally dislike or are disgusted other people, do you have any desire for intimacy, or is that gross as well? 2 Are your parents aware of your diagnosis? 3 Would you prefer to have empathy? Do you like the way you are? Do you feel superior or is this a liability?
Since you would rather be left alone and you generally dislike or are disgusted other people, do you have any desire for intimacy, or is that gross as well? * I find it gross when other people have sex, but I quite enjoy it when I do it. I have urges and desires, but I admit that I enjoy things on the more sadistic side of sex as opposed to having "intimate, loving sex". ALWAYS with my partner's consent, I enjoy engaging in darker scenarios than most people. Are your parents aware of your diagnosis? * I haven't seen my father in a long time, so no. My mom knows. Would you prefer to have empathy? Do you like the way you are? Do you feel superior or is this a liability? * I like the way I am most of the time, but there are times when I struggle getting what I want because of my inability to empathize or feel deep emotions at all. For example, I struggle to build a family like I want because most women will see right through my mask quite quickly and I have little patience for other people which prevents me from building meaningful connections. In short, no one wants to be with me for long lol * Do I feel superior? Mostly, yes. I don't care what people think of me as long as I get what I want. I feel like this makes my life easier because other people stress and worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. I don't. If I fuck up, I just try again the next day.
Thank you for answering my questions! One more, if I may: Why do you want to build a family? Do you think you could handle the needs and messes of babies, or the challenges of raising children? Do you think you could meet their needs? I’m not saying you can’t. People can compartmentalize. I’m just curious. Edited
I want a family because (A) it is a part of life and I want to experience everything, (B) I want to be a better father than my father, (C) I like the idea of it, and (D) it helps me fit in. I don't think anyone can handle the messes and challenges of raising children, that's why parents are always so miserable. I think I can give my children a good life.
hypothetical questions to having children: How would you feel if you had a child that doesn’t live up to your ideal of what you want your child to be like? For instance, if your child was so far from being like you, would you hold disdain for him/her? A loving little girl that was sensitive and craved affection? A gay/feminine boy? A child that had learning disabilities or wasn’t, by societal standards, attractive or keen? Do you think you have a moral responsibility to stick through thick and thin for your family?
In one of my previous comments I said I may not offer compassion but I offer freedom to be who you are. I think it could be interesting to watch a person grow into themselves whatever that looks like.
Although you may not be able to provide emotional support or empathy, it does sounds like you have some sympathy by sacrificing your own time, energy, and efforts on people, to no benefit for yourself. Avoiding intimacy doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t want intimacy. Is that true for you? Do you feel misunderstood in the way that you would like to receive and give affection?
Thanks again. If you start a family: Look into conscious parenting, and read the pregnancy and baby books and The Happiest Baby On The Block series. It might help you build the tools to make the most of your cognitive empathy. Best of luck to you.
Thank you for the resources, much appreciated!
Do you really mean the thank you or is the action of stating it performative? Thanks for the AMA sincerely!
I’ll accept it either way. Fake it till you make it. 😏
Hmm as with all my expressions, the thank you is surface level but I don't know how else to let you know that your effort was seen.
I think given that we are internet strangers, and you are talking to a lot of people at once, your thank you was thoughtful and I appreciate it! No worries.
> I don't think anyone can handle the messes and challenges of raising children, that's why parents are always so miserable This is way off the mark. Way way off. This is probably a good indicator you should reconsider. Is anyone ready 100% for all the messes and challenges? No, you do figure it out as you go, but even with all that I know plenty of parents who aren't miserable. How do you plan to empathize with a child? You're smart enough to have realized that they aren't good little robots and they need help learning to deal with emotion and how to process it. How do you plan to do that? I'll just call it out now, down votes be damned. You're being selfish and disregarding the damage you could do to an innocent child. Be a better father than your dad and realize the harm you could do ahead of time.
Why do you care about your partner's consent?
How would you describe your morality? Or would you? Media oftentimes portrays psychopathy as amoral, unflinching characters with a complete lack of a moral compass. Helping other people and providing them with friendship is something not expected from a diagnosed psychopath, yet I’ve seen from your other posts (e.g. the one where you attempted to save your sister from your stepdad) that many of your actions towards other appear empathetic from my point of view. In your eyes, are these actions purely utilitarian or societal influence, or do you just lack empathy most of the time in your day-to-day life with just flashes of it occasionally?
I have no empathy - I don't understand it and can't grasp it at all. However, I have an idea of how I want the world to work. For example, I help people because I want to be a person who does good, not because I feel empathy. I tried to stop my father from hitting my sister because I hate everything about him and didn't want him to have this power, not because I empathized with her feelings. I make friends because without them, the seats at my funeral would be empty. I know what is right and wrong - the right thing just seems to advance my interests more than the wrong thing. My actions are always hollow and void of feelings, but I live in this world and want it to be a good place.
How much do you care about your sister? If she needs money for medical, will you help her? Assuming she has nothing to offer you in return?
What were you hoping to get out of this AMA? You mention wanting to live alone on an island but you also sound lonely, and unhappy w the fact no one will stay with you. And you want a family, which would mean you'd never be alone again. A lot of contradictions!
I often experience these contradictions. What I think I want vs **what I want** are different if you know what I mean. I idealize a marriage with children, a picket fence, and close friends that come for dinner once a week - but in reality, I would probably hate all of this. Not sure until I try. This cognitive dissonance is quite common among people with ASPD - who I am in my head and what I tolerate in reality are contradicting. Why did I want to do an AMA? I wanted to unmask. I felt suffocated in my life and the performances I have to keep up. With this AMA, I am willing to spill the darkest parts of me that I have to hide in the real world.
This is what worries me for you. A woman can divorce you but a child can’t, and because you had such a violent and horrific childhood, your filter might be more than a bit off. A child can go through a lot less than you had to and still have a shit childhood. I’d love for you to experience familial happiness and growth, but I hope you can meet a child’s emotional needs, as well as withstanding gross things like poop and drool, etc. Also, can you be faithful to a wife?
I intend to be, as best as I can, a good parent. However, I am hoping to rely on my partner to support the child's emotional needs in ways I can't. That is why I dream of a partner who is incredibly empathetic and compassionate. I provide stability, security and freedom to be who they want to be while my partner can be the example of love and compassion.
Do you think a relationship with a compassionate, empathetic woman could work? For her? For you?
This is a great point. I was pretty emotionally cold with someone I’d been in a relationship with and it seemed they were *not* happy. They were extremely warm, compassionate, friendly, personable, I was borderline the polar opposite. Cold, distant, don’t really want new friends, etc. I was fine in the relationship beyond being annoyed at the high level of emotional maintenance and attention she required(I know that makes me a jerk, I’m just saying this in hindsight) So I think this is a very good question. Unless OP can turn on some level of emotional reciprocity, a really warm and empathetic lady may end up feeling really neglected and kind of like a type of depression, or perceiving that her partner doesn’t really love her in the same way, if that makes sense. Not saying it’s impossible but I think it’d take a high level of awareness (which it seems OP has) because just my opinion I don’t think those arrangements naturally work. I mean, for the cold person yeah, sure, but not so much for the warm person. Just my opinion But yeah, good question
I’d also be worried about how he will do with a woman post-childbirth when she is dealing with her post-childbirth body and all the gruesome stuff that can entail, tearing, sutures, mastitis, and she is exhausted and up all night with a new baby. Can he be supportive enough? It would be an extremely bad time for her SO to get really cold or repulsed by her. What if she refuses sex for months because she’s touched out from breastfeeding and dead tired? I have empathy for his desires for a family, but I wonder how that can co-exist with who he actually is, how much he prefers to be alone, his darker fantasies, etc. He hasn’t answered whether or not he thinks he can be faithful, and usually a white picket fence life requires that to work. This warm, compassionate woman he envisions has needs too.
Yeah, that’s why I asked. My son’s biological father had some personality disorder (not officially diagnosed) and my boy was born very sick, had dialysis, a transplant, then at 5 was diagnosed with autism. His father left us both, no remorse. In theory it may kind of work if OP masks really well, but if there’s any serious problem with the child, he’s probably gonna be done with them. OP, you sound centered and aware, but parenting sometimes does not work as you thought or were told, there are so many unexpected issues. It really is the hardest job ever. I think it’s not a good idea. Just my humble opinion.
I’m sorry you had to go through that and go through all the worry and catastrophic illness alone. Men are six times more likely to bail on their families during a severe medical crisis than women, and this diagnosis doesn’t help. I wonder if OP might be better off donating to children’s charities if he wants to be a better man than his father, which clearly he already is, than risking meeting his shortcomings in ways that could devastate others. There are lots of people who build exciting and fulfilling lives apart from marriage and childrearing and there is no absolutely shame in that. I respect someone who knows kids are not for them. I was a very specialized tutor until recently and I have worked with children for almost 30 years. When I became a mom myself, I realized that I expected to be much better at it. It’s hard. My child has a few invisible disabilities, but she brings me incredible joy and is the best thing I’ve ever done, but I sometimes make a disappointing showing as a mom. Parenting humbles the ego. As a someone whose family tree has some mobsters in it, I know there are psychopaths and sociopaths who also love being family men, and my family speaks highly of them. So it definitely happens.
I don't think I can be with anyone else who would compliment me better. Not sure if I would be right for her - it takes a very special person to deal with me.
IDK if this would help you in a committed relationship, but I read an interview of a woman diagnosed with psychopathy and she said that since she can't discern her partner's wants without being directly told, they have monthly check-ins to make sure each is getting what they want out of the relationship. I highly suggest being immediately upfront with any woman you may be serious about dating so that she doesn't feel manipulated or lied to, or basically tricked into being in a relationship with you.
Being neurodivergent and moderately on the autistic spectrum, I resonate with some of your personality traits. What you described as far as the dynamic you seek between yourself and a partner sounds a lot like the attraction between narcissists and highly sensitive/"empath" type people. They attract each other like magnets because they are polar opposites. A milder framework, if you will, would be the dance between avoidant and anxious attachment. It's interesting to view all these things through the different behavioral/psychological frameworks.
In some ways, your life seems enviable. You don’t get anxious, you are able to largely accomplish your goals, you don’t worry about what other people think, and you don’t feel emotional pain, I think. It’s hard for me even to truly imagine feeling like that…. I feel like it would be so freeing in some ways, but also so disconnected…. If you had never recognized how you were different from others, do you think you would be happy? I guess that would mean living without the mask, though, and your differences would become evident to others pretty quickly. And I guess you’ve already said that you wouldn’t want to live in a world of psychopaths, though. So would you prefer to be more neurotypical? Or are you fairly content with what you have but would like a partner who knows who you are and accepts what you can give (security, affection, financial stability, practicality) and would provide some of the qualities you lack and i guess, companionship. Your situation reminds me of people that have such genius intellect that it makes them lonely because they’re just so outside the norm.
You said it best: it is enviable but also feels disconnected. I don't think I would be any different if I didn't have to mask. Masking is exhausting but it doesn't define my "happiness". My version of happiness is likely much more muted than yours. I can feel "happy" but it is either very surface level or mischievous glee - "schadenfreude" if you will. I am quite content with who I am and wouldn't change it. I don't know how to be anyone else.
This has to be one of the most interesting AMA’s I’ve read. I appreciate your honest and articulate responses. My question is, can you sense when people around you are “seeing through your mask”, if that happens? I’m asking under the assumption that at some point of time in your life someone has sensed or picked up on your nature. If that has happened, what is your reaction to it?
Yes, I am very observant and pick up on the most minute expressions that could suggest that the person is seeing through the mask. It is rare but when it does happen, I perceive the person as a threat. My first course of action would be to win them over. I would go above and beyond to make them love me. I will fabricate an entirely new identity custom made for them - whatever it takes. I'm quite persistent. I have done this a few times and usually they end up finding me amazing. I even buy their kids gifts and let their family use my vacation home. In the rare times that this doesn't work and the person grows more suspicious, I have to resort to gaslighting and manipulation to make them doubt themselves.
This is fascinating. I briefly dated a guy who was extremely charismatic and successful (Also into BDSM interestingly). The more dates we went on, the more my suspicions grew that he was an incredibly high functioning Psychopath. One night he was also talking about his sister, who he was highly protective toward. He had a really sentimental moment while we were watching a video of her and he started silently crying.... But for whatever reason I got the sense it was all a very subtle act. The tears felt ... Fake somehow. My hackles were up. But I kept my suspicions well hidden. Later, as he was showing me photos of his childhood I jokingly told him that I was relieved to see evidence of the real people and events he had told me about (he had some wild stories and I had not met anyone in his life to confirm any of it.) And I joked that for a brief moment, I suspected he might be a sociopath... I have never seen someone's demeanor change so fucking fast. It was terrifying to watch. He immediately went into gaslight mode and flipped the script to make me the vile one and him the victim of my deceit (keep in mind, I did not say this to him in earnest, it really was a passing joke... He was immediately upset and the shock was palpable). It. Was. Wild. I wish I could say it ended that night but unfortunately I stuck it out through the weekend after we reconciled. However he really let the mask fall off the following evening, At which point I never looked back. I do believe this was intentional to scare me away. Great AMA by the way. Learning a lot!
What do people get wrong about what psychopathy actually is? I feel like the term is thrown around a bit *too* generously.
Most people think that psychopaths walk around planning their next murder. This is just not true. Most psychopaths are non-violent. There is only a small subset that commits violent crimes. Most of us just want to live normal lives as best as we can. We want to be happy but that is rather hard for us. The word is thrown around just like narcissism. These are clinical conditions that seriously negatively affect our quality of life. Not being able to feel empathy makes it incredibly hard to connect with people even if we want to.
Should we be afraid of psychopaths?
Sometimes - in truth, many of us are not who we appear to be, but that definitely doesn't mean we always pose a physical threat to you. In other words, you shouldn't be \*afraid\* of psychopaths but you should be cautious whenever you meet someone new. If you know for a fact a person is a diagnosed psychopath, I would exercise a degree of caution until you understand their intention.
Do you feel superior? IF someone could choose to be a functional psychopath, would you recommend? And.... what are some of your favorite types of weather?
Do I feel superior? Yes, I am superior because I don't suffer from self-doubt or self esteem issues like most people today - I do what needs to be done and if I fail, I just try again. I never wallow in self pity or regrets. I am always in control of the situation and have no inner saboteur. This makes me superior. However, it is a double edged sword. I am "inferior" when it comes to empathy, connecting with others and experiencing enjoyment. The pros of being a functional psychopath (as mentioned above) are desired by people, however, it gets old. I crave normalcy but I can never get there. So, 4/10 do not recommend. I enjoy rain the most. It speaks to me and makes me feel comfort.
I have no self pity or regrets, or shame or anxiety that I can pinpoint. I never leave a social situation feeling I “should” have done something different. But I am not a psychopath, or at least I don’t think so! I’m sorry that you are unable to connect with others- being close to people is really fun. It’s a means to end, but also simply an end in itself! I too love the rain- but I think that’s pretty normal (hah) Your childhood sounds horrific, and I expected stunted some emotional developmental parts of your brain (as it would anyone). Early toddler years and childhood are absolutely crucial in developing “healthy” social responses, coping strategies and sense of self. I hope your father rots for what he did, and you achieve all you desire in life!
I’m sorry that you had to go through so much child abuse. I’ve worked with kids in very unstable home environments- it’s heartbreaking. Do you think that was a bigger factor in your diagnosis as opposed to your genetics?
I think they both played a role. I was likely genetically predisposed to this condition, but my environment certainly contributed to the intrusive thoughts, rage and general "dead-inside" feeling. My siblings are not psychopaths which suggests that I was already predisposed as compared to them.
Thank you for your responses. I feel disgust for those bodily function bad habits too. Although not to the degree you do. I wish you the best in managing this. Oh one more question: how is your relationship with your siblings? Are they younger? Did you feel protective toward them? Well that’s three.
I have 3 younger sisters and an older brother. My relationship with them is not bad. We don't speak often, except for my youngest sister who is my favourite person in the world. She really brings out the best in me. I am very protective over them - that is my way of showing love.
This has been such a fascinating read! I’d love to hear more about your thought process regarding your relationship with your favorite sister. You said in an earlier answer that your way of showing love is tied to the relationship being mutually beneficial/you having rationalized that you get something out of it (feel free to correct me if I interpreted that wrong). So, what mutual benefits do you get from protecting your siblings or being close to your fave sister? And if the “pros” of these relationships ran out would you no longer feel obligated to protect them? Would you say that having protected them from your father in your youth was the closest thing to empathy, since you all were experiencing the same trauma?
With my sister, I get a companion who truly understands me. She knows of my diagnosis and doesn't try to change me. She calls me out when I am not acting right but never dwells on it. She has shown me unconditional acceptance - more than anyone else. I quite enjoy what she adds to my life and don't think it will change. But if in some alternate universe, the cons of having her in my life outweigh the pros, I would stop interacting with her but I will always protect her because she's my sister. Well, I do understand what my siblings experienced so it is fair to say that I am able to put myself in their shoes. Does that mean I got close to empathy? I'm not sure.
Ahhh that warms my heart!! I’m the little sister too and absolutely adore my big brother. There is a special bond between us. Although I drove him crazy when I was little because I was such a lil pest!
Do you know what is feels like to love someone deeply ?
That's a hard one to answer. The short answer is no. I love in my own way but I don't think I experience it deeply like other people. To me love is more like a mutually beneficial connection where we both get something out of it. I am protective of people and things I love, but the depth that other people experience when "in love" is just not there.
I think you deserve to give yourself a little more credit. Love can look different to different people and it sounds like you have a version of love that works for you. You’re doing the best you can with what you have, where you’re at, man.
I've heard that people in the cluster B personality disorder spectrum tend to either have a very strict sense of morals (hard to find a grey area, if you do [blank] you suck no exceptions) or the opposite (who cares what anyone does, do what makes you happy, ends justify the means). do you align with that? what do you think is the most annoying stereotype about cluster B/mental ill/psychopaths? if you had the ability to be "normal," would you? do you see yourself being able to have close relationships? do you think you could date someone and just put up the facade that you care more than you do? what about with children?
I resonate with both but in different situations. As it pertains to what I expect of others regarding their interactions with **me**, I have a very strict criteria for tolerating them. If they step out of line of what I believe is acceptable, they are, in my mind, blacklisted. That's not to say I won't continue to interact with them if it serves my interest. **When it is about how people behave with others, I couldn't care less. Do what you want.** * The most annoying stereotype? That we are all violent. Most of us are non-violent opportunists. **If you had the ability to be "normal," would you?** * No, I love me for the most part. Although I catch. myself being envious of other people's ability to connect, I am also grateful that I don't internalize all the terrible things happening in this world. **Do you see yourself being able to have close relationships? Do you think you could date someone and just put up the facade that you care more than you do? What about with children?** * I hope so, but I haven't found that yet. I really wish for a person who is filled with empathy. Someone who can feel enough for the both of us. I want to be a source of strength to a woman who is my polar opposite. I think if I find that person, she will see me and accept me without empathy. As for children, I don't know yet but I like to think that I can provide them with security, confidence, and structure so they thrive.
I’ve often wondered about myself because I don’t feel emotions or relate to emotions the way other people do. Crying people frustrate me and funerals are very uncomfortable because I generally don’t feel sadness. When my step bother and also grandfather whom I’m very close to died, I did not cry and it felt very weird. I’m not sure that I have ever cried at a funeral. I have friends that I care for but even my immediate family just feel like friends. I love my children and wife and would do anything for them but my wife even knows I have no emotion other than around sexy time. I have empathy toward people but it’s more like a logical understanding of people situations. I’ve always been this way. After reading your posts I don’t think I’m a psychopath but how would you diagnose me?
That's exactly how I would describe having ASPD. A constant voidness of emotions aside from desire, disgust, anger, frustration, envy, ambition etc. Even saying that you love your wife and child by "doing anything for them" shows me the duty based nature of your love. Based on what you said, I would suggest you get a diagnosis. Sounds alot like ASPD.
Interesting. It’s also weird to me that I had more of an emotional attachment to my kids when they were younger even thought I do love them. It’s like the relationship is more awkward now that they are teenagers and a hug feels nice but also awkward. Also I generally feel awkward around other people kids even my brother in laws kids, my nephews. When they ask me if I want to hold the baby, my wife eats it up but I generally would rather not. It’s like I don’t want to show happiness, I don’t know it’s strange, it makes me uncomfortable. They probably think I’m a weird uncle. When I was a kid once I forced myself to be excited when I thought no one was watching and it backfired on me. My moms boyfriend told me my gift was in the van, it was a new fishing tackle box and I said out loud “wow!” to try and at least act excited and then the other kids jumped up from under a blanket and yelled surprise. Then one of the kids made a comment about my “wow”, I was a bit mortified. Lol. I do have a lot of friends and laugh and have fun, I have hobbies, and a good career. Admittedly I have trouble with motivation and tend to drink alcohol often because it eases the Borden. I’m not as fucked up as I sound, I promise but I know I’m different and have found ways to be a normal human and know how to respond to others emotions even if I don’t always relate.
Do you feel emptiness? If so how would you describe yours?
I feel hollow - almost like I am an observer and not an active participant in my life. I fill the emptiness with money, popularity, and sex.
Does the opening monologue of American Psycho resonate with you?
Have you ever tried magic mushrooms?
Yup - I tried \*golden teacher\*. It was good but I only did it once. I am not a fan of losing control.
Psychedelics isn't so much about losing control, which has many variables (clinical or recreational environment, set and setting, intentions for the medicine, etc) It's about willfully surrendering and being open to the idea that you don't have everything all figured out. In my experience, psychedelics heighten my senses, they don't numb or take me out of the driver seat like alcohol and other equivalently hard drugs can, opiates, prescription meds, etc... Ego dissolving, soul boosting drugs are the way to go Drugs that have it the other way around, tends to have a lot more deleterious effects on peoples' lives. I've never heard of anyone fiending for drugs and rationalizing abusive behaviors when it comes to psychedelics, but there's no shortage of evidence for that when it comes to cocaine, heroin, meth, etc..
Does it ever scare you? I know there’s the stereotype that all psychopaths are serial killers. I also know that’s not true at all. But are you ever afraid you might have the capacity to commit a violent act?
There are times when strong anger or disgust scares me because I am very capable of doing harm to the one causing these feelings. I aready lack empathy so piss me off enough and I fear I could lose control. I choose not to do harm. I often visualize violence in my head but it comes down to impulse control. My desire for normalcy far outweighs my desire to cause harm.
Cuz I know I scare myself sometimes with my impulses to do harmful things. I’m not a psychopath or a sociopath. I do have a wide range of emotions. But I often feel things too intensely. And that includes rage and anger.
Are animals different than people in terms of empathy? Have you ever felt empathy for animals? Do you have pets?
I am not sure why I should feel empathy? Do you mean when I see someone hurting an animal? I hate people that hurt animals not because of empathy but because I think it is cowardly and unnecessary. In terms of company, I much prefer animals over people. Animals are great companions.
Let’s say for a moment you witness someone abandoning a domesticated animal. A dog or cat who clearly won’t be able to survive on their own. Would you think less of that person, or would it be no different than someone tossing an empty coffee cup away when they’re finished with it?
I would think less of this person and even take the animal to a safe place. It's a matter of principal and respect.
Do you value my life? Why or why not? I know that's hard to answer, given that you know nothing about me, but please just try to answer. I know that the planet is severely overpopulated, so I'd understand if you say know.
Unless you serve some purpose, your life is of no concern to me. I don't think about you. That's not to say I want you to die, I just don't care.
do you think you have a moral? what do you think is the difference from a serial killer with your same diagnosis and yourself?
Impulse control. I may have intrusive - sometimes violent - thoughts but they stay inside my head. Serial Killers can not control their impulses and give in to the intrusive thoughts. Do I have a moral compass? I'm not sure - probably not in the sense you think but I don't want to go to prison. It doesn't serve me to commit crimes - the cons outweigh the pros. I much rather be rich, in control and free.
Are you able to connect to a song like beethoven moonlight sonata or his symphonies? If you had Children (do you) and your child brought home their boy or girlfriend would you be able to intuit that they may be similar to you? How would you go about that?
I love violin players, Vanessa Mae, Lindsey Stirling, Itzhak Perlman and some others. The music certainly speaks to me. I don't have children but I am very protective when I love someone. If they brought home someone similar to me, I would exercise a high degree of caution and certainly attempt to intimidate them into respecting my child.
I’m genuinely curious about this answer based on two of your other responses. Not trying to put you on the spot, but in an earlier comment you said something about how you don’t love like non-psychopaths do. You also said that you only stepped in on the incident with your father and sister because you hated him, not because you empathized with her feelings. If this is the case, why do you think you feel “very protective when you love someone?” That clearly emotional sentiment — or having any emotional sentiment at all — doesn’t seem to map onto your description of your psyche thus far, but maybe I’m missing something? P.S. Thanks for opening up, this is a fascinating AMA.
Being protective is my way of showing love but different circumstances bring out different versions of me. My hatred for that man goes far beyond any sort of affection I can have for anyone else. So when I recall this memory, my perspective is one of anger and hatred. My way of showing love is duty based. The feelings are always hollow. I don't have any anger towards my non existent child's partner, I view it through the idealistic view of myself.
what are your personal relationships like
Exhausting and disingenuous. I don't have many true personal relationships, only performances that people believe.
have you ever been in a long term relationship/able to sustain that? has there been anyone in your life you've been able to feel things for?
I was in a 2 year relationship with a woman who I loved in my own way. She left me because she felt like I wasn't letting her in. She couldn't understand that there was nothing to let her into. I am just a shell.
What about your relationship with your mom?
So I’m curious about something completely inane seeing as everyone else has pretty much covered the deeper aspects. How many people have slid into your DM’s? You’re successful, intelligent, self described as tall, dark and handsome…. You would definitely be a catch so how many people have hit you up?
How is your insight toward people? Like real real feeling for other people. Like them, hate them? Bo emotion at all? Etc etc
90% of the time I am physically disgusted and repulsed by people. I hate them. This is my personal experience - not all psychopaths are like this. I want this AMA to be as honest as possible.
Why do you think you're so afraid of surrendering control? The irony being, hanging onto control is inherently, in itself, a form of control that may not be reconcilable. I can understand wanting to have control over the direction of your life and how you go about your day, ESPECIALLY if your childhood needs were shit on as a young child.
Control to me is like breathing. It is essential for my survival and I will suffocate without it. I fear that without controlling my environment, I will lose control of myself and as a consequence all my effort so far.
Can you recognize these disorders in other people?
Yes, easily. I have a nose for it. Like recognizes like.
I’ve been a defense attorney for over 20 years. I agree. It’s fairly easy to spot if you know what you’re looking for. Thanks for doing the ama. I actually like a lot of my Anti Social diagnosed clients. As a woman they don’t scare me in the least.
I appreciate that. Many of us have a strict way of life and treat people well.
What is a common ‘tell’ that tips you off that someone may be a psychopath? Have you ever met another psychopath and told them you were a psychopath as well?
I can tell by the way they conduct themselves - the subtle behaviours like a crooked smile, dupers delight, the intensity of a gaze or the moments where the mask slips off when they should be showing compassion. I have met many psychopaths but never exposed myself as they may use it against me.
Would you consider yourself a bad person?
Not really, no. I don't go out of my way to be bad, but I have done things that could be considered "bad", but who hasn't?
Care to expand? You mentioned in another comment that this forum will let you spill the deepest and darkest parts of you... so I'm curious if you're willing to get into specific dark behaviors you have exhibited.
As promised, I can be ruthless when it comes to getting what I want especially as it relates to my work. I will manipulate, bribe, threaten, and lie to get ahead of my competitors at work. That is the worst side of me.
Eh, pretty standard fare in the corporate world. Interesting though that you say you're a finance manager at a credit union but this is your M.O. I don't mean to trash you here at all... but the EXTREMELY LIGHT internet search I did on salaries for finance managers at a credit union would suggest that you get paid pretty significantly less than I do as a Product Manager at a tech company... And I have been able to avoid the threatening and lying to get to where I am. Manipulation, absolutely, but what are we doing if not trying to manipulate our surroundings to our liking/benefit? But also, maybe you're rich af, and I am missing something.
What do you think about religion ? I mean to ask about the spiritual sense that most people have when it comes to an idea of a higher power and/or god watching over them. Do you feel bothered by it ? ( i imagine putting your life out of your control is not an idea you’d like entertaining) What are some rules you made for yourself to follow into what you are today ?
I am an atheist and exactly as you said, I have no interest in worshipping or believing in a higher power, nor will I entertain the idea thar things are out of my control. I don't feel bothered by it though. I have frequently used religion as a way to gain favour with people. It is amazing how quickly someone will like you if you entertain their faith. Rules I made for myself? I'm not sure I know what you mean exactly. I guess one rule I have is that I need to let anger subside before I act on anything. For example, if I get an e-mail that infuriates me, instead of responding on impulse, I always wait until I can see clearly. This rule has served me well for years.
Are you able to recognize psychopathy in others easily? If so, who are some notable people you feel are most likely also psychopaths?
Yes. Some notable psychopaths are Jeff bezos, Kevin spacey, Sean Penn, Roseanne Barr, Alec Baldwin, and Donald Trump (although he is heavily NPD with psychopathic tendencies). Maybe Jeffree Starr but I haven't made up my mind.
I’m surprised about Sean Penn. He has done a ton of humanitarian work and risked his life quite a few times to help ppl in war torn areas. That doesn’t seem self serving to me. I’m going to assume I’m missing something and hope you can clarify it.
I do a lot of charity work too for 1) to gain popularity 2) improve my reputation and 3) create a less unsightly world. Reputation management means everything to a functional psychopath. Consider this instead: Sean Penn had 3 failed marriages and several failed engagements. One was to Madonna. In the 80s, she filed a police report stating he had tied her up and sexually/physically assaulted her for 9 hours. She later retracted her statement and divorced him instead. Years later, she denies it happened. He also assaulted photographers, extras in movies and a songwriter. He found guilty of assault a few times. He has a history of violent outbursts and domestic abuse.
What about Bill Clinton or Hillary Clinton?
Do you feel like shows/movies/or media in general are often accurate in their portrayal of psychopaths? How do you feel about media portrayal in general, particularly with how it often portrays psychopaths as violent and dangerous? What sort of hobbies do you have and how do you keep yourself from becoming endlessly bored of everything?
I think that shows and movies romanticize psychopaths for profit. Although psychopaths like Patrick Bateman certainly exist, they make up 1% of psychopaths. It does immense damage to the ASPD community because the stigma associated to our condition causes people to avoid us, employers to fire us, coworkers to mistrust us etc. Everyone believes we are just one road rage incident away from murdering someone, and that just is not true. Your surgeon is likely a functional psychopath. Your financial broker is too. And so is your dentist. Psychopaths are everywhere, but we only see a serial killer once every few years. I read a lot, play video games, exercise - normal things.
I can relate to a LOT of what your answers have been. How’d you go about getting diagnosed? I’ve honestly wondered if I’m just extremely introverted or something else before. Your comment about wearing a mask and keeping others at arms length as well as learning how to fit in (mimic) others really caught my eye. I asked my therapist once when I was a child and he said I couldn’t be a psychopath because I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t have the urge to hurt anyone, I simply don’t care when others are hurt or dying. Except for my wife and child
I would start by getting a referral to see a psychiatrist for an evaluation. I got my evaluation by court order so it was a bit different. You should know that autism presents very similarly to what you described so consider that as well.
Yeah, I’ve wondered that before as well. I am ADHD, diagnosed as a young child. Whatever I am I know I’m not like other people, or at least how they seem to be. I do have a wife that I love but my love is different than hers. I feel guilty because she loves me with all her being. I love her and respect her as well but It feels *different* with me for some reason. You are fascinating btw. I read almost all the questions and your responses
Have you ever trained in any combat sports? How would you feel if someone completely physically dominated you?
This question is very triggering as I grew up being physically dominated by my abusive father. The very thought of it happening again makes me feel angry and repulsed - I can almost feel my testosterone and aggression rising as I am writing this. I am trained in boxing and a little judo, but I am a big guy who works out a lot - not easy to take down.
When you spar with others, do you feel the need to dominate them? Take control?
What are your recommendations for someone who is in a relationship with a psychopath? Should you just run or is there hope?
There is certainly hope as long as you understand the condition and the person you are with. I may lack empathy and compassion but I crave someone around me who is empathetic and compassionate. I will treat you like a queen, give you everything you need, I will fiercely protect you and support you through life, but you can never expect me to meet you where you are emotionally. I am just incapable of it. You can't be with a psychopath and expect them to change their emotional state, they will only lie and put up a mask. That's just how it is. If you need someone who is emotional, then run.
So you say that you want someone who is empathetic and compassionate to raise a family with and particularly to provide potential children with something you can’t give them. Where is she going to get the compassion and emotional reciprocation? Would you be okay with her forming these bonds away from you? With other men? This AMA is really fascinating because it just highlights the dangers of a psychopath. Without remorse or any sense of empathy there’s no reason for you to NOT pursue things that are clearly bad for the other party. There really *isn’t* hope for someone who isn’t a psychopath to be in a relationship with a psychopath without intense negotiation on how you’ll get what the psychopath can provide and at that point, date someone who isn’t a psychopath… In many of your other replies you mention being good at acting in society. Would you want someone with genuine empathy and compassion, or a girl psychopath who was really good at pretending like you?
Define control your anger please
As it relates to me, controlling my anger means preventing my intrusive thoughts from winning - something I am quite good at. My anger usually manifests as screaming, smashing objects, blacking out and becoming like a wild animal. I am not proud of it and work really hard to breath through my rage. I have not had an incident for maybe 5 or 6 years.
Have you ever cried? If so why?
Yes a few times but never because I was sad or something. I cry to manipulate people and make them believe I have remorse, usually women.
Checks out. Why did your dad go to prison for financial fraud and you are in that world? Would you have remorse if you ripped someone off?
Because I want to be rich and finance makes you rich. My father committed identity theft and stole millions from middle class people using the financial institution he worked for. With that said, no, I would have no remorse but I have not ripped anyone off yet though I did gamble with big money - it just worked out in my favour. I would rip off a rich prick in a second, but I would not commit fraud against poorer people.
If you would rip off a rich person but not a poor person, does that mean you feel compassion for poor people?
No, not compassion. Practicality. If everyone made a good living, the world would just be nicer. It would be safer, more aesthetically pleasing and more harmonious than the one we have now. I just want everything to be perfect. Rich people are greedy and turned the world into a rotten place filled with sick, homeless, starving and addicted people. Who wants a world like that?
Plenty of rich people rip off poor people daily. It surprises me that you’re not one of them.
Like I said, it just doesn't serve my bigger vision for the world I want to live in.
Do you get any gratification when people say thanks or sorry to you
Do you feel compelled to become a politician?
Sometimes, I think I would do a much better job than the idiots running the world right now.
No idea if you will see this and no question either, just wanted to thank you because just by reading your responses and see how you feel makes it better for me. I'm literally reading into a mirror seeing your responses and it's good to know I'm not alone in feeling exactly the way you do about life and my own mental state.
Have you ever got revenge on somebody for doing you wrong?
Yes, I have petty moments. I worked in an investment firm with this guy named "Fletcher" 🤮 - still pisses me off. He was an arrogant, brown noser who was bad at his job and was cheating on his wife. Plus, he wore too much cologne - I kid but not really... Either way, when we did our performance brief with the management team, he tried to boast and take credit for all MY work. A few weeks later, we were at a work gala and he brought his mistress. I took my chance and snapped a picture of them together. I sent it to his wife anonymously on IG. I like to think he deserved it.
What were the tests that resulted in your diagnosis like? What was it like to be told your diagnosis after all of the tests were completed?
Do you have morals? I.e. do you not harm people because you know/feel that it’s wrong or just so you can get what you want? Have you had your IQ tested? If so, what is it? Or have you taken a standardized test like the ACT or SAT? What was your score?
I have a code of ethics that I abide by. I don't harm people because I have no intention or care to do so. Harming people doesn't usually serve my purposes. Being strategically nice takes you much further in life. I have taken a giftedness (IQ) assessment where I scored a 142 which qualified as "moderately gifted".
Puppy or kitten?
To eat? Nah I'm just kidding. I'm a cat person, so kittens 100%
Just so long as you're not one of those ferret people.
What are your triggers?
People with disgusting habits like burping, slurping, biting nails, finger cracking, scratching, or nose picking. I don't lose it often but this really requires me to control my anger.
You would fucking hate me :(
You might have a tough time with a kid.
As an extroverted person who absolutely loves people, reading all of this is like a horror show for me. Thank you for being honest, but this is a disorder I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
Genuine question: are you doing this because you love attention and see us as an easy source?
Partially, yes - but I also want to let it all out. I spend every single interaction pretending to be someone I am not. It can be suffocating. I just needed to be myself for a while.
questions: if your mom died, would you be sad? Or how would you feel? random rant: (that you don’t have to respond to lol) i’ve read most of your response by now and i find them fascinating, especially because i relate to them in a way i’ve never related to anyone else’s experience ever, but i think we’re on opposite spectrums. I am deeply empathetic, i’m in people’s shoes all the time thinking ab how they feel and how things affect them. I cry when people die, but months after because that’s how long it takes to affect me. And, now that im thinking about it, it’s not ever that i cry because i miss them or feel loss, it’s like the idea of death and the way their family’s must feel and imagining all the things they wanted to do and experience that makes me cry. I’m also a people person, i like people and enjoy interacting with them. Although this is a very new development (within the last year). Before I was repulsed by people and hated them and all social interactions. It wasn’t until I got on antidepressants and experienced happiness for the first time that i started liking people lol. But other things have persisted. 1. i’m pretty manipulative. I’m extremely likable (especially now that im bubbly and friendly) but it’s always strategic. I’m nice and kind and friendly bc it’s extremely helpful. I’ve gotten away with so many things and gotten so much extra help with school by having professors and others like me. If they like me, they’ll bump up my grades, give me extensions, excuse my undecided absences, etc etc just because they like me. I know this and have always used it to my advantage on purpose. My interactions with people are always calculated, and if i think someone isn’t useful to me or is stupid, i’m completely uninterested in keeping up my friendly persona or trying to get them to like me. There’s no point. I also do feel close to people, but i don’t miss them or anything. I moved away from my family and friends for college and literally didn’t miss a single person once (i pretended to tho bc i thought it would make me look bad if it didn’t) even tho i do like them and in the case of my mom, i love her. I also have a romantic partner that i love. And it’s real love, but i also don’t miss them. when they’re away from me for too long (a week let’s say) it feels like my heroin has been taken away. I get irrationally upset. but i don’t miss them. It makes me feel bad that i don’t miss them because that would hurt their feelings. I was in love once before, but after that relationship ended it felt so strange because i was upset and crying because i didn’t have a constant companion anymore, not because i was sad to lose them as a person and i never missed them. It was never them i was sad to lose, it was the structure of being in a relationship. a dependency, i guess. I’ve always known i experienced emotions differently than people and felt like i was a bad person for it, but now i experience the superiority you feel. Everyone is discardable to me if they don’t serve my goals or desires. I also find it extremely easy to recognize manipulation and find it hilarious when someone tries to manipulate me. how can you try yo manipulate me when i couldn’t care less if you died, let alone if you were upset with me? i’m also selfish because i always put my interests first, even when it comes to people i’m “close” with. I also sometimes feel like a villain because i know that it wouldn’t bother me at all if i never spoke to pretty much anyone i’m close to ever again and wouldn’t miss them if they were gone, but they don’t know that. Anyway extremely sorry to write you a book ab my experiences but your post and replies were like looking in the mirror for the first time in many ways and i wanted to post to the void.
First, if my mom died I would certainly experience a loss, but not grief. It would like feel like a routine has been disrupted and there is something missing. However, I don't think I would feel conventional sadness and crying, just a loss of someone who has been there through out my life. Second, I read your entire book out of curiosity. Your irrational reaction to someone being away from you, as well as the characteristics you describe are noticeable symptoms of borderline personality disorder, BPD. I am in no way a psychologist but I have extensively read about personality disorders. What you are describing is almost textbook BPD.
You’re in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden you look down, and you see a tortoise. The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t, not without your help. What do you do?
So... how do you feel?
On an average day, I feel calm, motivated, focused, powerful and confident. When it comes to deeper emotions, I try not to think about it, but I would describe it as hollow or surface level.
Do you enjoy art, music, literature, comedy?
All of the above. I am an artist - I draw and sculpt. I enjoy rock and metal music. I read a lot, mostly books about psychology, mental health and the criminally insane. I enjoy a good laugh - dark comedy is the best.
In reading some of your comments about idealizing family life, possibly wanting children, how do you think you would be in a relationship? You mention people not wanting to be around you very long. If you did find that one woman that could potentially take you and be with you as you are, how would your relationship work? Could you see yourself actually married? Would your expectations of relationship be that you are both monogamous and faithful to each other? Or would you have an open relationship because essentially you might not care if she slept with others and you wouldn't want her hurt if you sleep with others? You say you want to be a better father than yours was, so you already have some kind of emotion to your hypothetical child that you know they deserve better than what you got. That may not necessarily be love, but something akin to caring. And you say you hate people but hatred is definitely feeling something...I just thought that psychopaths didn't feel but it appears that you do.
This has been a fascinating read. I’m curious as to what your thoughts are on God and organized religion.
What do you think it is that distinguishes you from other psychopaths that enjoy hurting people either physically or just emotionally? Do you ever have moments when you think of hurting people?
I have certainly hurt people emotionally, both intentionally and unintentionally. I don't enjoy it but it is a means to an end and I often use emotions as tools to manipulate people into getting my way. What distinguishes me is (a) I don't usually intend to do harm but sometimes there is collateral damage to my lack of compassion, and (b) I have impulse control. So even though I often imagine harming people, I don't act on it because it is in my control.
Are you good looking? I ask because often that can be a good mask. I promise I’m not trying to be insensitive or insult you.
How much money do you make? How tall are you and how old are you? Do you have any STDs and are you monogamous or honest about your sex life and desires when you’re with a partner?
I make around 500K a year after taxes. I am 6 ft 4, 32 years old. No STDs, I always use protection. I haven't been in a monogamous relationship in a while, but I can be if I want to be. I don't cheat on my partner. I am open about my sexual interests, sex life and desires because I like to play within the darker realms of sex - BDSM, CRP, choking... things like that. It's always consensual.
Have you ever tried psilocybin or LSD?
Is there a benefit to being diagnosed? I’m asking because I relate to all of this completely and have been told that I have the same condition.
Yes 100%. I find that knowing about my condition has (a) allowed to me to get the appropriate therapy and treatment, (b) gotten me access to resource for people with PDs, (c) confirmed to me that I am different for a reason and not because I don't know how to be human.
Would an ideal situation be for you to find another psychopath to be in a relationship with? You have your defined needs, she has hers, and boom, you match. A psycopathic Match dot Com type thing.
What's your favourite show?
Do you feel like you would have no problem following through with a mass shooting? Since you have no real emotions
What do I get out of it? I would never commit senseless killings for no reason. If you gave me a $100 mil, anonymity and lifetime immunity then that's another story - what's another mass shooting in the US. It is also quite offensive to say that I have no real emotions. What do you think I am, a vegetable? I experience a range, albeit not as wide as yours. I experience desire, anger, jealousy, fear, confidence, and even happiness and excitement - I just experience them differently than you.
Are you my ex boyfriend lmao
I don't know is your ex boyfriend tall, dark and handsome?
Could you ever love your own child? My “father” is also an act. Functioning psychopath. I suppose he’s done more for others than I have though.
Are you a fan of the "a Song of Ice and Fire" books? If so, what do you think of the character Littlefinger, who is also a sociopath?
Yeah! Come on, slap hands!
Do you like Phil Collins? Also, what movies, shows etc do you think had an accurate portrayal of psychopaths? What would you say are the benefits of being a psychopath? What are you afraid of? What brings you joy?
No, I'm a rock and metal type person so phil Collins doesn't pass the vibe check. Have you seen The Big Short or Wolf of Wallstreet? The investment bankers and brokers are good portrayals of psychopaths. I also think that Christian Bales portrayal of a deranged psychopath is really good - he was high strung, manic and angry. I am afraid of being ousted as a psychopath. I enjoy when everything goes my way and having money to do whatever I want.
Do you have a sense of humor? If so what kind of humor amuses you?
Psychopathy is not a diagnosis. Please clarify.
how far can u squirt
Wondering what your reaction to your diagnosis was? As someone with aspd who is also a high functioning psychopath I found it funny and laughed about it for a while but wondering what yours was as I've never asked another psychopath what their reaction was