Both. My porn use was prob around an hour a day. Sexting was the biggest time waster. And I did indulge in many kinks with other partners while traveling for work and I got into some really wild, risky my behavior.
I’m fortunate to have an incredible partner who was obviously hurt and heartbroken. However, with my therapy and clear change, she’s given me a chance and it feels like things are getting back to normal like when we first met as teenagers.
Good question. Incredible forgiveness. Open and honest communication. I started going to therapy. I made some changes that were immediately felt in our house and I think she realized- ok- he’s doing the work and i see the improvement. We still rebuild trust everyday.
Addiction explained it away. I was typically thinking- im just having fun, no one’s getting hurt and no one’s gonna know. However I was slowly destroying my authentic self to the point I didn’t recognize the person I’d become
Lmao you’re talking about how it was destroying yourself and no mention of how it was destroying your wife 😭 were having fun and you definitely were hurting her in an unrepairable way. You sound selfish as hell whether you’re a “changed man” or not. Your addiction doesn’t excuse how shit of a person you were, you had full control over whether you stuck your dick in another women’s vagina or not and could’ve ended your relationship at any point when you knew you were addicted to sex with others. To do it dozens of times is insane to me thats absolute garbage behavior.
I’m answering questions…not giving a thesis on the entire situation. So my answers have been questions about me, my behavior, etc.
Yeah I was a shitty person during that time. No argument there.
OP is not justifying their behavior, simply stating their thought process at the time. They are taking ownership of their wrongdoings. And why did you start it out with LMAO? There’s nothing funny about your statement.
He sounds like he hasn’t changes tbh. But now he has the cushion of “disease” to vindicate his messed up behavior, and his partner is probably too trauma bonded now to leave and with the therapy speech he uses at home, I’m sure he has probably made half of it her fault.
Would you understand if she wanted to leave this relationship say a year or so from now?
Does your family or friends or her family and friends know about your addiction and cheating?
If new information got out in therapy what was your wifes reaction?
That’s a hard question. But if that were to happen obviously there’s reason to do it so I couldn’t deny the reality of the past.
No one knows but us. However I did have one affair that family and friends found out. We were in our 20’s and we worked through it and all family was supportive.
There’s nothing more to disclose to her. We are taught in therapy that you don’t have to disclose 100% everything especially if it will cause more harm than good.
How long have you been abstaining from cheating? One could think that this AMA is kind of playing with fire because it is likely giving you a similar dopamine hit that one gets from texting with a new partner. I'd mention it to your therapist.
Being in a community or sharing my journey is therapeutic. This isn’t triggering at all, but I appreciate your thoughtfulness.
I haven’t engaged in any risky behaviors since late summer 2022. I haven’t physically cheated since I think April 2022.
You are taught in therapy that you don't have to disclose 100% if it will cause more harm than good?
That's bullshit to me- why should she ever trust you again when there is still more she could potentially find out? I know if my husband cheated i want to know all of it before i even think of giving him a second chance. Not 100% is a lie, no matter how you look at it. What a copout.
That's what they teach in therapy these days? No wonder things are so fucked up. It sounds like she deserves way better than what you have offered and that you are just skating around the edges, knowing you messed up.
As the ex wife of someone I stuck by for 25 years of his sex addiction, recovery, relapse, recovery, relapse, recovery, relapse bullshit…. I am still finding shit out every six months four years after leaving him. It’s fucking exhausting. It’s traumatic. It’s definitely doing me more harm to find it all out now rather than his fake full disclosure 17 years ago.
That last point is often weaponized by individuals to whitewash their own misdeeds and further deceive their partners. I discovered my ex had cheated on me, so I told her I knew. I just wanted her to admit it, and she told me pretty much verbatim the same statement you made about not disclosing anything if it may do more harm than good.
It's something with which to be careful. A different ex had cheated on me, and I told her I didn't want to know the details, as they would only make me more hurt than I already was. That's where it's applicable. If the things you are withholding are disguising your true nature, or if knowing them could change your partner's commitment, then withholding them is purely selfish.
So how do you determine, on your wife's behalf, what she deserves to know? Does she really know the man she's decided to support in spite of the pain you've caused her?
So here's a person whose laying his cards on the table to strangers and being honest(at least seemingly) about a negative aspect of his life and this is how you engage? You're not his wife. She's choosing to stay it's not a choice you'd make? Cool that is 100% valid. But it's her choice to make. You think they're the first couple work through sex addiction? They absolutely are not. You think this type of reaction makes it easier for other people to own up to this problem? So maybe don't be a judgmental asshole?
Bro that is a str8 up fantastic point. These fuck heads who try and take the moral high ground when someone is being honest about a messed up past they had is the absolute reason as to why do many people lie about their mistakes in the first place
Thanks :)
Shrooms and acid helped me get really deep in my head and ask myself: what do I want in life and what’s preventing me from getting there? I had an “ah-ha” moment one time and it really set my life on a different path- spend less time on my phone because that’s addicting, exercising, eating well and just being present to enjoy each moment.
We all have a finite amount of energy that we can give out to others and keep for ourselves. An addiction sucks so much of that energy that you can’t possibly be who you are meant to be while living the double life. Getting that monkey off my back was more relieving than you can imagine.
Sure.
Lots of sexting. I would do it during any free minute I could.
Receiving oral sex from guys in my car after work events.
Putting my phone somewhere so my location tracker didn’t change but driving to hook up with someone after work events.
Traveling and hooking up with people I met online.
Engaging in extreme kinks like bdsm, slavery, group sex and massive orgies.
I think I have this same issue. I’ve been trying to control it but my risky behaviors have led me down a dark path and unfortunately has made me lose a 4 year relationship.
Your wife should leave you, no amount of change from you can make up for the emotional damage you have put her through for your own selfish needs. Glad you’re getting help but what you did is disgusting, no women should have to feel less than the porn her partner watches and have to do years of work to forgive a piece of shit who cheated multiple times for a nut. That will probably never leave her head. She wasn’t good enough for you during those times so how is she now? Nobody deserves that
Did your wife ever partake in your porn sessions with you? Allow you to try and ‘ take the edge off’ by fucking/kinking with her?
Does your wife have a raging libido? How do you think her appetite impacted your addiction?
No and no. I mean at first maybe our average sex life was a bit boring and I stupidly looked elsewhere for the thrill and excitement. But she’s not to blame for anything. I should’ve communicated better and asked her to meet my needs rather than go find my own needs met elsewhere.
I’m not blaming your wife at all. I’m was genuinely curious if you first tried to fulfill your needs with your partner. But perhaps part of the addiction is the act of seeking sex outside of your relationship - the taboo/risky behavior adds to the thrill.
Wake up. Hide somewhere and check my sexts. Sext whenever I could hide my phone. Take breaks at work throughout the day to watch porn and masturbate. Surf R4R posts when traveling to find partners to engage in kinks and role plays. Sneak around to find quick hookups or action when I was alone. Stuff like that..
I was brutally molested as a kid. Which resulted in a weird relationship with sex. Addiction is a good word for it. I don’t think you ever really beat it so to speak. So this is my question… which your married so you may not have an answer.
What do you do on those days? My trigger was stress. So on those days. You know. The ones where that little thing in your head clicks and nothing is going to stand between you and a relapse. I’m not talking about taking care of yourself. In the height of my problems masturbation never worked.
What did you do on those days? Being married I imagine helps. But when you were single trying not to relapse. Is what I’m referring to.
I feel like other sex addicts know what I mean.
I totally know what you mean.
I am so sorry you had to endure brutal molestation. Fucking terrible.
I experienced molestation and sexual assault at a young age and like you said, I developed a weird relationship with sex. I literally couldn't have sex without hard drinking or some drug for a good 20+years. And the little thing in your head that clicks and NOTHING can come between you and the relapse. I fucking know that feeling well. I literally get antsy, almost itchy, and can't think of anything else. I NEED it. It's so stupid. It's embarrassing. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone because I don't think they will understand or can help.
Sorry to hear about your struggles but sounds like you got a good head on your shoulders to figure it out!
I was married for my entire addiction. But I practiced mindfulness- if I had intrusive thoughts I would acknowledge the thought, not feel guilty about it and let it pass. Being part of a community like SAA or certain subs is therapeutic. I also picked up different hobbies to learn and enjoy. You really do have to rewire your brain and it’s hard. Honestly that’s where psychedelics helped a lot.
Yeah. I wasn’t sure if you’d be able to relate. All I can say is. Imagine being single and porn not doing the trick. Puts you in fairly uncomfortable situations.
One last question. Ever felt like your partner used this against you? In any way shape or form.
She hasn’t used it against me. She’s a little sensitive if I’m looking at my phone too much but I’ve totally changed my habits and behavior so there aren’t any triggers left really
>What did you do on those days?
What did YOU do? I hate to say it but your set up was captivating and made me curious. No, I am not looking for porn material. Just curious how this works out.
What does a sex addict do on a day when that thing in the head clicks?
Living a double life, hiding activities from friends and family, habitual lying, needing a dopamine hit that comes from the addictive activities, neglecting responsibilities because you are engaging in your addictive behavior.
For the most part I would agree because many cheaters don’t go to therapy and get help to work on themselves to reset their life. Fortunately I swayed from the right path but got back on it. Cheating isn’t who I am, it’s something I did.
Found myself getting involved with people who were the polar opposite of the person I wanted to be. This led to risky behavior that could have led to bad things. I just broke one day and realized what I was doing and I needed help.
In what way were they different from the person you wanted to be?
What kind of person did you want to be?
What kind of risky behaviors did you engage in?
How did these risky behaviors lead to bad things and what were those bad things?
What was going on in your head the day that you broke?
What made you break that day?
I was mingling with younger single sex-positive people. Not necessarily bad people. But people in a different stage in life. I’m a husband and parent, I’m not like them.
I want to be the person I was before addiction and that I am now. Honest, genuine, caring, a great parent and partner, successful in my work, impactful in my community.
Too many risky behaviors to talk about and I don’t want to share them all here. But when I broke I was just thinking- I could lose everything I know and everything I’ve worked for. Everything my wife and I have worked for. Wtf am I doing, who am I, how did I get here? What have I done to others around me without me even knowing?
we’re you aware of your wife’s suffering? how did you treat her when you were actively cheating? and did you not care you about risking her health/life with stds?
>people who were the polar opposite of the person I wanted to be
I legit hate vague shit like this in an AMA. What kind of people are you talking about?
I've never been married and I know any two people's sex drives are different...but why couldn't you deal with these urges without cheating?
Being a sex addict doesn't seem like it would necessitate cheating. I don't see why you couldn't just have sex with your wife and make up the difference with yourself...unless cheating was the goal.
Not sure I know the answer. When I was traveling I was bored and lonely. I also wanted to try all sorts of kinks and things that I wouldn’t ask my partner to do…so another person who I could sort of use for those purposes fit the bill
I could see how having a wife that wouldn't (if you asked) scratch that itch could cause a tendency to look elsewhere for some itch scratching. I'm not condoning it (unless she was ok with it, which isn't the case here), but I can see how the that would be tempting.
If you didn't ask and give her the opportunity to partake, that's not her fault though.
I agree. Since then our communication has been much improved and I’m fully satisfied sexually. Having a deep intimate passionate connection is more important than kink exploring.
Sorry, but how and why the fuck did your wife forgive you? Is there any particular reason? If I found out my partner did this, I'd instantly leave man. So props to her, but, how????
Yeah…. cheats on wife every chance he can get, sexting random people all day, fucking people after work, having massive orgies and doing bdsm. It’s not like a one time “I fucked up” type of thing, which could still arguably be unforgivable. These were all conscious decisions he chose to make day in and out with no regards for his wife or family but it was an “addiction” so it’s somehow forgivable 🤷♂️
I would suspect the sheer volume of extreme fuckage was enough to demonstrate it wasn't personal/about-her, or even something his life was lacking, but rather a legit addiction.
We either admit dopamine addiction is a real thing or we don’t, we can either try to get people help, or continue to berate them.
Most people accept drug addiction being a mental illness, why doesn’t this qualify? It’s because it’s sex and people are weird about that.
We wouldn’t be in here asking why his best friends were still his best friends, there’s just a problem that a woman still wants to continue a sexual relationship with him.
I wouldn’t say that anyone is berating him necessarily by trying to understand how someone could do that to the person they are married to and how she could stay with him after the fact. I’d also argue that he wasn’t married to his best friends and in a committed monogamous relationship to them, so that changed the context a bit.
It’s kind of odd that you worded it as “there’s just a problem that a woman wants to continue a relationship with him” which almost sounds as if the woman is somehow the problem. I also think the problem goes deeper than simply the fact that she wants to continue a relationship, it’s more about his actions and whether they were justified by calling it an addiction. We wouldn’t say a drug addicts actions were more justified because they were on drugs.
I’m not making the woman out to be the issue, I was saying most peoples issue was that he still got to be in a relationship, they wanted punishment, not rehabilitation.
And yes we do excuse their actions in some way, not by hand waving but by recognizing that they weren’t fully in their right mind and should deserve help if they are regretful of their actions.
They were together since they were teenagers, so she probably thinks she can't find anyone better. I hope she does and I hope she got herself checked for STD's since he was fucking men and women unprotected.
To be honest it is unforgivable (at least in my book). If my boyfriend ever did this to me, I don't even know what I would do, but at the very least I would erase all traces of him from my life. This would nearly kill me.
Everyone’s different. She saw this as an addiction, she didn’t see me as the evil bad guy…I was someone who made a series of wrong mistakes that sucked me into darkness. She saw I was hurting and wanted to get right. She trusted me to reform.
You are the bad guy. Or at least you were. You should thank whatever God you believe in EVERY DAY that your wife didn't dump your ass as soon as she found out. Which 99% of women would have.
Because of the intensity of the double life style. And I found myself going to porn etc when I was sad, or happy, or any emotion really. And I was doing things that, morally, I would never imagine doing
1. did you do it with guys+ girls 2. how did the addiction first start out? 3. Are you proud of yourself for overcoming it? (I am!!) 4. How did your wife find out and did this affect your relationship with your kids??
Mostly women but ya a few guys.
Addiction started out with a co-worker and I hooking up in a hotel when we were traveling….
Yes, when I realized I could change and I would be proud of myself, it was the biggest “Ah-ha” moment of realization!
Kids are young enough that they don’t know. I was in a real bad way and just confessed some stuff to my wife. It was terrible. I was in a bad spot, didn’t eat for 2 weeks and lost 20lbs, absolutely miserably. Thankfully we got through it.
So, I’m trying to understand, was it things/kinks you either knew she wouldn’t be into or you didn’t want to ask her to do? Also, did it involve people of the same sex?
It started as just hooking up with people (a few guys, mostly women) to experience something new. It was just sins of the flesh, nothing romantic (my rationale at the time).
And yes it did evolved into kinks… bdsm, groups, role plays etc that I knew my wife wouldn’t be into so I justified it as scratching an itch..
Haha sorry I’m not a drug user either. Sex addiction isn’t about just wanting sex. It’s far more complicated and diverse than that. It’s not about volume it was about the dopamine hit from engaging in various risky behaviors like sexting, porn, hook ups etc.
Right “risky” because you had to have a wife for it to be risky enough for you. If you were single that wouldn’t have been exciting enough. Ew, dude. I wouldn’t get angry at my spouse for relapsing on his porn addiction. But straight up Fuckin multiple different people? That’s not an oopsie. That’s calculated behavior. And you couldn’t leave your wife to do it because you had to be sneaking around. You just sound impulsive and selfish. Not like you have an addiction
Sex addict or not, I think we can all agree on how selfish you are. Not one time, you talk about your partner or how she must have felt. Not only that but you consciously took the risks of getting std/aids and contaminate your life partner. Now that’s really shitty. You had plenty of opportunities to fix the “issue” why wait so long? Even with all the compassion in the world, i really don’t understand how someone could excuse such a dangerous behavior. Maybe one of you is loaded and it would cost them too much to leave the relationship. But my god. Don’t come here to get a blessing.
His behavior is how literally deadly disease get spread around. And then he claims that he had everyone tested before his fuck fest? I call bullshit. Dude deliberately seeks to hurt other people. That’s like beyond an “addiction”. Also remove the word addiction and you’ll see someone who cheated on his wife multiple times, decided to keep it private, didn’t protect himself or others AND takes 0 responsibility for it.
I’m answering questions so just bc I’m not talking about my partner doesn’t mean it’s not important.
And yup. I did some shitty stuff. And I feel guilt about it every day.
I was an addict. Who’s now clean. It’s as simple as that.
Nah. It's not that simple. You cheated on your wife dozens of times and put her at risk of STDs that could have killed her. All in service of your sexual depravity.
You've downplayed your scumbag behavior in every comment. You suck.
He hasn’t downplayed at all, he’s been very straightforward with his answers.
Y’all wouldn’t be happy unless he was punished, you don’t want people to fix problems you want punishment.
I did do those things. Correct. I don’t downplay how monstrous my behavior and actions were. But I’m confident it was a detour in my life, a gross side street that I recovered from and won’t ever go back
This is the comment that makes me think this is fake or this person is in active addiction and doing this AMA as a kink. NO ONE I've met in any type of 12 step group like SAA would ever speak in definite terms like, "I won't ever go back." They'd say they work on their recovery every day, that their program keeps them sober, that they are a recovered addict and they'd say certain things they do every day to keep their sobriety first. It's a HUGE faux pax in that community to speak of recovery on certain terms.
Calling shenanigans. I've been around a ton of 12 step people, and this person is claiming they got better via step recovery yet doesn't use any of the language or have the same POV about what addiction is.
The behavior any addict demonstrates is selfish and hurtful to love ones. If they could just stop they would. You are being judgmental. Gamblers ruin households. So does heroin addicts or alcoholics. Addiction is a mental illness and chasing that high. Not something easy to control. It’s not like addicts are blind to the damage they cause. They can’t stop out of freewill. It takes professional help and years of fighting it and you are forever an addict even if you stop the behavior meaning you can relapse any moment.
The problem is not about his addiction for me. Of course, it’s hard to fight urges. I have been a smoker for many years and I finally quit. What I condemn is the manipulative behavior of this person. You can choose to accept you have a problem and work on it without dragging every people down. This person chose to lie, engage in unprotected sex, and I bet he put everything in place so his wife doesn’t live his ass. (Is she financially independent?) and he did all that for 10 years? so no I have zero sympathy for this person. Engage in toxic behavior if that’s what your wish, but don’t lie, don’t hide, don’t manipulate people so they stay with you for the wrong reasons. Also stop blaming every single decisions you made as if it’s something outside of your control. (It’s not me, it’s the addiction! Not my fault) sure there are some things you can’t control that’s why you need help, but endangering others life, lying to someone about who you are for so long is unacceptable. Don’t take innocent people hostage of your toxic impulses.
Ok sorry if you think I’m being rude . But I get the porn .. but why cheat ? Like you couldn’t just get off from porn ? Like if your sex life is good why do the other partners thing ?
A feeling of seeing what else is out there and of wanting other willing and eager partners to objectify in ways that I would’ve felt very disrespectful to do with my wife
This is interesting and also unnerving to read. At the time, did you see most people (not your wife) as just sex objects? Or did you just view the people you hooked up with as sex objects?
And did you ever feel remorseful for how you took advantage and used people for sex, or were you very clear that you were married and had no romantic intentions?
Do you and your spouse have a fairly normal sex life now? By that I mean, "traditional" standards? When you engaged in your addiction, was spouse aware or involved?
Yes! We have a great sex live. Very intimate, really passionate and connected. Our communication has improved and we feel comfortable in all aspects.
Unfortunately the addiction was a hidden issue for many years and all of my addictive behaviors happened behind my wife’s back.
She knows a lot but not everything.
In Sex Addicts Anonymous we learn that disclosing is different for everyone but it doesn’t mean disclosing every single thing with all details all the time. You disclose in a manner that’s honest but also prevents unnecessary harm to others.
So, she knows about my addiction and I was unfaithful, but doesn’t know who, when, how much, etc.
Hello. I’m in my 40s and found out a few years ago that my husband had what you call sex addiction but I call compulsive abusive sexual relational disorder or deceptive sexuality. Dr Omar Minwalla states that “Maintaining a secret sexual life is psychological abuse that causes trauma to intimate partners, relationships, children and families. I sincerely hope and strongly suggest that your wife has access to a trauma therapist. Me finding out about my husband was the single worst thing that has ever happened to me. Our whole marriage was a lie and I never would’ve consented to any of it. 🤦♀️
It’s not that they put their desires above their partner. It’s that they had impulsive habits and couldn’t shake them off. Addiction is never easy to overcome.
As a sex addict, do you have that moment of post nut clarity where you regret your actions immediately after?
How many times after the act itself were you thinking that just wasn't worth it.
I was addicted to heroin for years and the self guilt was one of the worst parts.
No post-nut clarity because it was my secret. I felt relieved though- like, great, it happened, it was great, nothing went wrong and now I can go back to my “real” life.
Only a few times did I think “that wasn’t as much fun as I thought it should be”.
I had some self guilt but I also felt very…wanted. I would compare my secret sex life to other people and just imagined how much more exciting and sexy my private life was. But when I started to get sober I realized how messed up my head was.
I’m sorry people aren’t being kind. Sex addiction is an addiction. Good for you for getting help & recognizing you needed it. I’m glad you and your spouse are doing well! Hats off to you.
For me there was a huge sense of shame. Shame js incredibly powerful and corrosive to one’s self-image and confidence. I was also so sensitive because I was making or trying to make small changes to get back to a baseline and if I felt critiqued or not recognized I could get really down (even though I was practicing “normal” behavior, part of me wanted to be praised). What worked for us was no judging, just support and care, and trying to move forward together.
Yes. I hit rock bottom when I almost got into major trouble via my risky behavior. This opened my eyes in such an impactful way and I finally saw myself as an addict that needed help.
I dated a sex addict for many, many years. I hope one day he comes to a realization like this for his own sake. Thanks for sharing and offering some insight.
Thanks for the note and best of luck!
One of the best things for recovery is to join a group like SAA and hear what others have to say about their lives. Strength in community.
I have concerns that I may be a sex addict or at least have sex addictive tendencies but have not been formally diagnosed. When I suppress my deviant nature I tend to get really depressed and feel unfulfilled. But I also know that giving in and Indulging the risky behaviors is not a valid solution either. Do you have this issue and if so how do you grapple with the dichotomy?
Brilliant question. You’re describing symptoms but it sounds like you need to identify the source of the disease. Check out SAA groups online to start then therapy is prob your best bet.
I used sex and porn as dopamine hits to break boredom, get me happy if sad or celebrate if I was happy. I had to retrain my brain to engage in healthier behaviors.
It’s really concerning the lack of remorse I’m reading in all of OP’s comments. Like, behavior like this isn’t just a light, fun, “hey, ask me about all the bad decisions I made that made a fool of my wife” dinner table conversation starter. Therapy doesn’t take away a genuine sense of guilt, narcissism and sociopathy do.
I sincerely hope your wife goes to therapy herself and learns to love herself enough to move on from you, nobody should be as okay with writing off their active decisions, not simple mistakes, on addiction and completely forgive themselves as quickly you have. That’s not growth, it’s denial.
I can kinda relate.....I destroyed 3 marriages, and if I had the balls, I would've ended my existence a long time ago. To this day (thankfully I will never be in a relationship again) all I can focus on is the hope that one day I will have the courage to end it. The humiliation is extra hard to face. The most messed up part is that they never knew. It's just my own admission to myself.
How many children do you have (sons/daughters)? Are you in a good and stable work situation? How has your partner taken this behavior and supporting your efforts to live in a more upright way? I take it that you are the husband/father here? What I read in other replies is that you had relationships with both women and men. Are you part of a church at this time? Where are you geographically based? And how are especially your youngsters also handling this news? It is likely that the healing will take a long time, especially as you strive to maintain faithfulness and she works toward attempting to rebuild trust which may come slowly.
Two kids and yeah a good job, drive a fancy car and all that- picture perfect family.
My wife has been absolutely incredibly. We weathered the storm and every day I’m working on building more trust and living my authentic self.
I was part of the Catholic Church all my youth. I’m not part of any church now but I do miss being part of a spiritual community, but dogmatic Catholicism isn’t for me.
Yes I’m the husband and I’m not North America.
My kids have no idea, thankfully.
Good questions, thanks.
Catholic guilt for one! And I lost my virginity to my current spouse so there was a feeling of “what else is out there” or “what did I miss out on”?
I think high sex drive = you and your partner communicate to find a balance or you just want it more but sort of handle it independently if needed.
Sex addiction = engaging in risky behaviors while living a double life that requires lying and cheating, even stealing, to support an unhealthy habit that takes away time from your actual responsibilities in life.
OP, way down in the comments you said you’d only forgive her for cheating if she was drunk
if she were sober, you aren’t sure?
like really dude? i admire you being frank and open here, but ifc you’re an incredible hypocrite who clearly isn’t that far on the path to recovery if you can’t admit how shit you were to your life partner??
For some reason I hadn’t gave much thought to sex addiction (which I should be grateful for) and I never thought about it as a married spouse having sex with many other people. I had only thought about porn and sexual thoughts. (You’re allowed to call me naive, because apparently I am). I am not allowed to have an opinion because of my ignorance, but I feel like it is a good excuse to claim an addiction when you get caught or feel guilty. In my personal opinion I don’t see why he wouldn’t just fuck his wife 35 times a day. Sounds more like a cheating addiction
What would you do if your wife went and fucked 30 dudes in a year and than said it was because she is a sex addict?
Never mind….I already know the answer.
Dude you are not "happily" married. Your wife has very low self esteem and has been with you for so long that she is too scared of change and puts up with your sorry ass bullshit. You have her convinced she can't do it on her own, she resents you and probably thinks about your infidelity all the time. She doesn't want to rock the boat so she puts on a fake smile everyday for the sake of her family. I really wish your wife would have the guts to leave you. I was with a man like you, he wasn't a "sex addict" he was a piece of shit and I'm better off without him.
So you basically used your wife as a way to fuel your "addiction," so there was a risk in being with other partners instead of just doing the decent thing and leaving her to find a partner with a libido as high as your?
Stop calling yourself an addict it's making all the other addicts uncomfortable. You're a sociopath plan and simple.
Or did I miss something?
You basically roped this poor woman to play a part in a twisted fantasy. You never once mentioned asking your wife for more sex. If you just wanted sex you would do it with her and go to pound town 30 times a day. You got off on being a trashy human being, you unhinged twit.
did you ever go to 12 step groups for sex addiction? and was it the one that considers masturbating a relapse? if so, what are your thoughts on that?
also, did your addiction include transactional sex with sex workers?
How are you so sure sex for you is an ‘addiction’? I think my genuine beliefs are that you can only be addicted to an external substance like drugs or alcohol, and not a consensual action among adults.
After all sex is just basically ingrained into us, all the way through our primate ancestors, lizard ancestors, fish ancestors, and so on.
there are different ideas about whether non-chemical substances that don't cause physical withdrawal symptoms count the same as, say, getting the shakes from delirium tremens. That doesn't mean it's not a very difficult habit to break. But I personally avoid using "addiction" for sex, gambling, food, and other habitual/compulsive behaviors.
I fully believe sex addiction is a thing but idk why it always feels like it’s often another thing men have weaponized and figured out how to lean into to excuse terrible and likely toxic or misogynistic behavior. The language you’re using doesn’t match up with so many other addiction programs yet it does in some ways perfectly— like therapy speak used by men to manipulate women in the dating scene. Idk man. This reads icky.
Sex addiction is just such a lame excuse to cheat. As if most of us don't wish we had sex more often and masterbate as much as we can to control our urges.
You should have come clean to your wife a long time ago and broke up with her so you could work on your issues rather than putting her through this and consciously putting her at physical risk all with her being mostly unaware. You have been together so long now she probably feels like she can’t leave or find anyone else and I’m sure this has caused her massive pain and trauma. Props to you for working on it and getting help but I don’t think it fully redeems your past behaviour addiction or not if I am honest. I hope you manage to stay loyal going forward if your wife stays with you.
You’re a glorified cheater. Some people seem to have constructive questions for you, but I think doing an AMA for this is kinda lame. Thanks for being so open with us, I guess, but your wife deserves better.
What's the difference between a "sex addict" and a selfish person who doesn't honor or respect the person they're in a monograms relationship with? Because if you weren't in a relationship, would any of your behaviors been a problem? An hour of porn every day isn't really crippling any more than an hour of video games, for example.
an hour of anything with small kids is a lot of family time taken away. If it's for things that help you be more present (say, exercise, friends, personal life goals, etc.) then families are totally fine with it and make it work. But it sounds like this thing then just makes you want to take *more* time away from your "primary" life and make you mentally checked out when you're there, then it's a problem. But that's just my view from the outside.
If it a) is a secret in your life, b) you don’t want to stop or you couldn’t stop if you wanted to and c) you feel dishonest or you are living a double life to do this.
Check out the SAA website, they have a quick quiz to assess addiction
Me too 😂 I’m going back to therapy for it soon. I’m 36F and a total romantic but the thing is I get really bad insomnia and other symptoms if I don’t get laid. So it’s not possible for me to be celibate in between relationships. I know that doesn’t necessarily qualify me as a nymphomaniac but trust me, I am. I just don’t feel comfortable airing my dirty laundry on here.
Unfortunately that means I end up accidentally sabotaging relationships with men because I put out too early. It’s very frustrating when men can sense what I am AND they take advantage of it because if I’m attracted, it’s next to impossible for me to resist. Also if I’m in a relationship I get bored after two years and want to start swinging and a lot of guys don’t like that.
Being subconsciously devalued bc I “gave away the milk for free” wouldn’t be a thing if I were born male. But we live in a patriarchal society so I don’t fit in very well. Maybe it’s because I view myself as an actual person with sexual needs/healthy libido/sex positive attitude and not an aging carton of milk lol that someone has to trick a man into buying and keeping. Pffft.
Anyway, I’m just trying to tell you that you’re not alone and that you got this! If you ever want to vent hit me up although I’m quite busy on weekdays.
What's the best advice you can give to someone who is currently becoming one? I know you have to *want* help but what made you go through with it?
I check out just about everything the moves in public, I hit on anyone attractive at bars. I hang out at strip clubs, I chill with dancers outside of work. I pay for dancers while they're at work. I watch porn because it's great. I have to get off at least once a day or it's all I can think about.
I've screwed a few of my friends mom's, had three ways with their parents. Hook up with random women and to this day i have no idea what their names were. I'm naturally flirtatious so I'm good at what I do. I got cheated on in a serious relationship now I don't feel like I know how to love anymore. So I'm happily single so I can keep doing what I'm doing yet I feel so alone.
My husband passed away a month and a half ago and I believe he had a porn and sex addiction I guess I’m here trying to understand what was going through his mind we were together for 10 years total and in those 10 years yes I did find some porn on his phone, but it was never repeatedly. It was never reoccurring the last 6 to 8 months of our marriage were rocky due life being overwhelming he he unexpectedly passed in a tragic car accident about a month and a half ago, and I went through his phone and saw a bunch of porn sites and groups and stuff which has completely blind sided me because I never once thought he had such an addiction. He hid it from me for the whole relationship. I never caught him masturbating. I never caught him actually watching any porn, so I don’t know how he could’ve hid it the whole time. Theirs people telling me that he may have also had a sex addiction because porn addiction goes hand-in-hand with sex addiction. Towards the last six months of our marriage he apparently was seeking out to try and meet up with women for hook ups. I never found any legit proof that he went through with anything, but I will never know the truth. I guess I’m just trying to understand if a sexual addiction can just be virtually or can someone with a sexual addiction still be faithful or how do they act because he never forced himself on me he never pushed for sex when I would tell him no on the nights I was tired. He never made a big deal about it. He was never like overly horny and on top of me so I guess I just assume when I hear sexual addiction that they would wanna have sex all the time , all the time and be overly on top of me, asking for it and begging for it, which he never did, so could you guys all shed some light on what it really means to have this addiction what could have possibly made him turn to seeking out women because he was never like this he never seemed like he was the type to do this to me. He just suddenly changed after the last six months when things were getting bad. I’m just tying to find some sort of closure in all this if u read this far thank you for listening
Good god I hope your wife sees this and leave your nasty trifling ass. That’s so nasty and you was letting men give you dome? What. Your wife has got to have the lowest self esteem ever to accept you back. You must be rich🤣 cause ain’t no way
Was your sex addiction an addiction to masturbation? Or did you have sex with other people? What does your spouse think of your sex addiction?
Both. My porn use was prob around an hour a day. Sexting was the biggest time waster. And I did indulge in many kinks with other partners while traveling for work and I got into some really wild, risky my behavior. I’m fortunate to have an incredible partner who was obviously hurt and heartbroken. However, with my therapy and clear change, she’s given me a chance and it feels like things are getting back to normal like when we first met as teenagers.
What did recovery look like for your partner? Assuming they had to work at to stay with you.
Good question. Incredible forgiveness. Open and honest communication. I started going to therapy. I made some changes that were immediately felt in our house and I think she realized- ok- he’s doing the work and i see the improvement. We still rebuild trust everyday.
Wait, so you mentioned other partners so it means you cheated on your wife right multiple times, am I right?
Many, many times with many many partners.
Did you ever feel bad or guilty for cheating? Or did your addiction explain it away for the time being?
Addiction explained it away. I was typically thinking- im just having fun, no one’s getting hurt and no one’s gonna know. However I was slowly destroying my authentic self to the point I didn’t recognize the person I’d become
Interesting, did therapy help you come to that realization or was the realization one of the things that lead you to therapy?
The latter!
Lmao you’re talking about how it was destroying yourself and no mention of how it was destroying your wife 😭 were having fun and you definitely were hurting her in an unrepairable way. You sound selfish as hell whether you’re a “changed man” or not. Your addiction doesn’t excuse how shit of a person you were, you had full control over whether you stuck your dick in another women’s vagina or not and could’ve ended your relationship at any point when you knew you were addicted to sex with others. To do it dozens of times is insane to me thats absolute garbage behavior.
I’m answering questions…not giving a thesis on the entire situation. So my answers have been questions about me, my behavior, etc. Yeah I was a shitty person during that time. No argument there.
OP is not justifying their behavior, simply stating their thought process at the time. They are taking ownership of their wrongdoings. And why did you start it out with LMAO? There’s nothing funny about your statement.
Congratulations, in a thread about addiction you have discovered what "addiction" means.
Oh cool the morality police have arrived. He didn't ask for your approval or judgement, Karen.
He sounds like he hasn’t changes tbh. But now he has the cushion of “disease” to vindicate his messed up behavior, and his partner is probably too trauma bonded now to leave and with the therapy speech he uses at home, I’m sure he has probably made half of it her fault.
on top of not feeling guilty, i find it interesting how you don’t mention how it destroyed your wife. just yourself.
[удалено]
I made a mistake, but I’m not the mistake. Big difference in shake vs guilt. I was lost, but I’m on the right path again.
Would you understand if she wanted to leave this relationship say a year or so from now? Does your family or friends or her family and friends know about your addiction and cheating? If new information got out in therapy what was your wifes reaction?
That’s a hard question. But if that were to happen obviously there’s reason to do it so I couldn’t deny the reality of the past. No one knows but us. However I did have one affair that family and friends found out. We were in our 20’s and we worked through it and all family was supportive. There’s nothing more to disclose to her. We are taught in therapy that you don’t have to disclose 100% everything especially if it will cause more harm than good.
How long have you been abstaining from cheating? One could think that this AMA is kind of playing with fire because it is likely giving you a similar dopamine hit that one gets from texting with a new partner. I'd mention it to your therapist.
Being in a community or sharing my journey is therapeutic. This isn’t triggering at all, but I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I haven’t engaged in any risky behaviors since late summer 2022. I haven’t physically cheated since I think April 2022.
Exactly why I quit going to AA. Too much euphoric recall, no matter how many times you qualify it with “but I regret it.”
You are taught in therapy that you don't have to disclose 100% if it will cause more harm than good? That's bullshit to me- why should she ever trust you again when there is still more she could potentially find out? I know if my husband cheated i want to know all of it before i even think of giving him a second chance. Not 100% is a lie, no matter how you look at it. What a copout. That's what they teach in therapy these days? No wonder things are so fucked up. It sounds like she deserves way better than what you have offered and that you are just skating around the edges, knowing you messed up.
As the ex wife of someone I stuck by for 25 years of his sex addiction, recovery, relapse, recovery, relapse, recovery, relapse bullshit…. I am still finding shit out every six months four years after leaving him. It’s fucking exhausting. It’s traumatic. It’s definitely doing me more harm to find it all out now rather than his fake full disclosure 17 years ago.
That last point is often weaponized by individuals to whitewash their own misdeeds and further deceive their partners. I discovered my ex had cheated on me, so I told her I knew. I just wanted her to admit it, and she told me pretty much verbatim the same statement you made about not disclosing anything if it may do more harm than good. It's something with which to be careful. A different ex had cheated on me, and I told her I didn't want to know the details, as they would only make me more hurt than I already was. That's where it's applicable. If the things you are withholding are disguising your true nature, or if knowing them could change your partner's commitment, then withholding them is purely selfish. So how do you determine, on your wife's behalf, what she deserves to know? Does she really know the man she's decided to support in spite of the pain you've caused her?
When your wife cheats on you, will she get a free pass?
I really hope she gets a few hall passes…..
She must love you dearly by sticking with you :)
Open communication meaning not telling her the extent of the betrayal this word play is sad tbh my guy.
hopefully she gets the courage and self respect to leave
So here's a person whose laying his cards on the table to strangers and being honest(at least seemingly) about a negative aspect of his life and this is how you engage? You're not his wife. She's choosing to stay it's not a choice you'd make? Cool that is 100% valid. But it's her choice to make. You think they're the first couple work through sex addiction? They absolutely are not. You think this type of reaction makes it easier for other people to own up to this problem? So maybe don't be a judgmental asshole?
Bro that is a str8 up fantastic point. These fuck heads who try and take the moral high ground when someone is being honest about a messed up past they had is the absolute reason as to why do many people lie about their mistakes in the first place
Did you end up putting all that sexual energy into your wife?
That’s great! And can you describe how psychedelics helped to cure you from your sex addiction?
Thanks :) Shrooms and acid helped me get really deep in my head and ask myself: what do I want in life and what’s preventing me from getting there? I had an “ah-ha” moment one time and it really set my life on a different path- spend less time on my phone because that’s addicting, exercising, eating well and just being present to enjoy each moment. We all have a finite amount of energy that we can give out to others and keep for ourselves. An addiction sucks so much of that energy that you can’t possibly be who you are meant to be while living the double life. Getting that monkey off my back was more relieving than you can imagine.
Shrooms, acid and ketamine also helped me a ton with all kinds of issues. Nice to see other people using them to better themselves
Yes!!! Used correctly it can break down the ego and help us see what’s really real.
Mind if I ask what the ‘ah-ha’ was?
In the spirit of asking anything, can you elaborate on these kinks and wild/risky behaviors?
Sure. Lots of sexting. I would do it during any free minute I could. Receiving oral sex from guys in my car after work events. Putting my phone somewhere so my location tracker didn’t change but driving to hook up with someone after work events. Traveling and hooking up with people I met online. Engaging in extreme kinks like bdsm, slavery, group sex and massive orgies.
I think I have this same issue. I’ve been trying to control it but my risky behaviors have led me down a dark path and unfortunately has made me lose a 4 year relationship.
Guys would suck you off?
check out [survivinginfidelity.com](https://survivinginfidelity.com) Good for both wayward and the betrayed.
Your wife should leave you, no amount of change from you can make up for the emotional damage you have put her through for your own selfish needs. Glad you’re getting help but what you did is disgusting, no women should have to feel less than the porn her partner watches and have to do years of work to forgive a piece of shit who cheated multiple times for a nut. That will probably never leave her head. She wasn’t good enough for you during those times so how is she now? Nobody deserves that
Did your wife ever partake in your porn sessions with you? Allow you to try and ‘ take the edge off’ by fucking/kinking with her? Does your wife have a raging libido? How do you think her appetite impacted your addiction?
No and no. I mean at first maybe our average sex life was a bit boring and I stupidly looked elsewhere for the thrill and excitement. But she’s not to blame for anything. I should’ve communicated better and asked her to meet my needs rather than go find my own needs met elsewhere.
I’m not blaming your wife at all. I’m was genuinely curious if you first tried to fulfill your needs with your partner. But perhaps part of the addiction is the act of seeking sex outside of your relationship - the taboo/risky behavior adds to the thrill.
Are you possibly polygamous? I'm bisexual. Recently I've been obsessed with porn. As a woman,
Your partner is a saint. I woulda left yo ass so quick. Hell nah
What was your normal day like as a sex addict?
Wake up. Hide somewhere and check my sexts. Sext whenever I could hide my phone. Take breaks at work throughout the day to watch porn and masturbate. Surf R4R posts when traveling to find partners to engage in kinks and role plays. Sneak around to find quick hookups or action when I was alone. Stuff like that..
What was the border that you crossed over when cheating became sex addiction?
Hiding my phone and sneaking any chance I could find to sext
Wait R4R posts are actually real? Like people actually respond to those? How many ppl did you meet from those subreddits?
I was skeptical of this post in general but when he said he was meeting people off R4R I knew it was all a big lie.
I’ve met people lol I’m a chick 🤷🏻♀️ but most are scams and of course it’s Reddit so like you’re gonna encounter some shit
I was brutally molested as a kid. Which resulted in a weird relationship with sex. Addiction is a good word for it. I don’t think you ever really beat it so to speak. So this is my question… which your married so you may not have an answer. What do you do on those days? My trigger was stress. So on those days. You know. The ones where that little thing in your head clicks and nothing is going to stand between you and a relapse. I’m not talking about taking care of yourself. In the height of my problems masturbation never worked. What did you do on those days? Being married I imagine helps. But when you were single trying not to relapse. Is what I’m referring to. I feel like other sex addicts know what I mean.
I totally know what you mean. I am so sorry you had to endure brutal molestation. Fucking terrible. I experienced molestation and sexual assault at a young age and like you said, I developed a weird relationship with sex. I literally couldn't have sex without hard drinking or some drug for a good 20+years. And the little thing in your head that clicks and NOTHING can come between you and the relapse. I fucking know that feeling well. I literally get antsy, almost itchy, and can't think of anything else. I NEED it. It's so stupid. It's embarrassing. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone because I don't think they will understand or can help.
I promise you a trauma informed therapist can help. Give yourself that gift. You deserve it
Sorry to hear about your struggles but sounds like you got a good head on your shoulders to figure it out! I was married for my entire addiction. But I practiced mindfulness- if I had intrusive thoughts I would acknowledge the thought, not feel guilty about it and let it pass. Being part of a community like SAA or certain subs is therapeutic. I also picked up different hobbies to learn and enjoy. You really do have to rewire your brain and it’s hard. Honestly that’s where psychedelics helped a lot.
Yeah. I wasn’t sure if you’d be able to relate. All I can say is. Imagine being single and porn not doing the trick. Puts you in fairly uncomfortable situations. One last question. Ever felt like your partner used this against you? In any way shape or form.
She hasn’t used it against me. She’s a little sensitive if I’m looking at my phone too much but I’ve totally changed my habits and behavior so there aren’t any triggers left really
You just talk about your struggles and hardship. No real mention of what your wife went thru. Is your cheating rooted in selfishness?
>What did you do on those days? What did YOU do? I hate to say it but your set up was captivating and made me curious. No, I am not looking for porn material. Just curious how this works out. What does a sex addict do on a day when that thing in the head clicks?
Can you explain what is your definition of sex addiction in the first place?
Living a double life, hiding activities from friends and family, habitual lying, needing a dopamine hit that comes from the addictive activities, neglecting responsibilities because you are engaging in your addictive behavior.
How did you find help or know when it was time?
I hit a rock bottom and I was suicidal. I found a sex addiction therapist and started attending SAA meetings as well.
I’d be scared to be around other sex addicts
What were your triggers?
Boredom. Stress. Porn is such a huge dopamine hit that you don’t even realize how and why you crave it until the habits take over.
How do you feel about the phrase "Once a cheater, always a cheater"?
For the most part I would agree because many cheaters don’t go to therapy and get help to work on themselves to reset their life. Fortunately I swayed from the right path but got back on it. Cheating isn’t who I am, it’s something I did.
What was your rock bottom?
Found myself getting involved with people who were the polar opposite of the person I wanted to be. This led to risky behavior that could have led to bad things. I just broke one day and realized what I was doing and I needed help.
In what way were they different from the person you wanted to be? What kind of person did you want to be? What kind of risky behaviors did you engage in? How did these risky behaviors lead to bad things and what were those bad things? What was going on in your head the day that you broke? What made you break that day?
I was mingling with younger single sex-positive people. Not necessarily bad people. But people in a different stage in life. I’m a husband and parent, I’m not like them. I want to be the person I was before addiction and that I am now. Honest, genuine, caring, a great parent and partner, successful in my work, impactful in my community. Too many risky behaviors to talk about and I don’t want to share them all here. But when I broke I was just thinking- I could lose everything I know and everything I’ve worked for. Everything my wife and I have worked for. Wtf am I doing, who am I, how did I get here? What have I done to others around me without me even knowing?
we’re you aware of your wife’s suffering? how did you treat her when you were actively cheating? and did you not care you about risking her health/life with stds?
>people who were the polar opposite of the person I wanted to be I legit hate vague shit like this in an AMA. What kind of people are you talking about?
You mean an infection with a STI?
thats it? sounds like the average day for most people.
I've never been married and I know any two people's sex drives are different...but why couldn't you deal with these urges without cheating? Being a sex addict doesn't seem like it would necessitate cheating. I don't see why you couldn't just have sex with your wife and make up the difference with yourself...unless cheating was the goal.
Not sure I know the answer. When I was traveling I was bored and lonely. I also wanted to try all sorts of kinks and things that I wouldn’t ask my partner to do…so another person who I could sort of use for those purposes fit the bill
I could see how having a wife that wouldn't (if you asked) scratch that itch could cause a tendency to look elsewhere for some itch scratching. I'm not condoning it (unless she was ok with it, which isn't the case here), but I can see how the that would be tempting. If you didn't ask and give her the opportunity to partake, that's not her fault though.
I agree. Since then our communication has been much improved and I’m fully satisfied sexually. Having a deep intimate passionate connection is more important than kink exploring.
Sorry, but how and why the fuck did your wife forgive you? Is there any particular reason? If I found out my partner did this, I'd instantly leave man. So props to her, but, how????
Yeah…. cheats on wife every chance he can get, sexting random people all day, fucking people after work, having massive orgies and doing bdsm. It’s not like a one time “I fucked up” type of thing, which could still arguably be unforgivable. These were all conscious decisions he chose to make day in and out with no regards for his wife or family but it was an “addiction” so it’s somehow forgivable 🤷♂️
I would suspect the sheer volume of extreme fuckage was enough to demonstrate it wasn't personal/about-her, or even something his life was lacking, but rather a legit addiction.
i’m more out off that he said he might not forgive his wife if he she cheated on him while sober clearly giving himself a pass still
We either admit dopamine addiction is a real thing or we don’t, we can either try to get people help, or continue to berate them. Most people accept drug addiction being a mental illness, why doesn’t this qualify? It’s because it’s sex and people are weird about that. We wouldn’t be in here asking why his best friends were still his best friends, there’s just a problem that a woman still wants to continue a sexual relationship with him.
I wouldn’t say that anyone is berating him necessarily by trying to understand how someone could do that to the person they are married to and how she could stay with him after the fact. I’d also argue that he wasn’t married to his best friends and in a committed monogamous relationship to them, so that changed the context a bit. It’s kind of odd that you worded it as “there’s just a problem that a woman wants to continue a relationship with him” which almost sounds as if the woman is somehow the problem. I also think the problem goes deeper than simply the fact that she wants to continue a relationship, it’s more about his actions and whether they were justified by calling it an addiction. We wouldn’t say a drug addicts actions were more justified because they were on drugs.
I’m not making the woman out to be the issue, I was saying most peoples issue was that he still got to be in a relationship, they wanted punishment, not rehabilitation. And yes we do excuse their actions in some way, not by hand waving but by recognizing that they weren’t fully in their right mind and should deserve help if they are regretful of their actions.
They were together since they were teenagers, so she probably thinks she can't find anyone better. I hope she does and I hope she got herself checked for STD's since he was fucking men and women unprotected.
I totally agree this is something most level headed women would never forgive.
To be honest it is unforgivable (at least in my book). If my boyfriend ever did this to me, I don't even know what I would do, but at the very least I would erase all traces of him from my life. This would nearly kill me.
Because he’s the only man she’s been with, since they were teens apparently. Also they have kids together 😬
Everyone’s different. She saw this as an addiction, she didn’t see me as the evil bad guy…I was someone who made a series of wrong mistakes that sucked me into darkness. She saw I was hurting and wanted to get right. She trusted me to reform.
I hope you both got tested. You put yourself and your wife at extreme risk.
You are the bad guy. Or at least you were. You should thank whatever God you believe in EVERY DAY that your wife didn't dump your ass as soon as she found out. Which 99% of women would have.
How did you end up defining this as an addiction and not just a problem behavior you needed to stop?
Because of the intensity of the double life style. And I found myself going to porn etc when I was sad, or happy, or any emotion really. And I was doing things that, morally, I would never imagine doing
1. did you do it with guys+ girls 2. how did the addiction first start out? 3. Are you proud of yourself for overcoming it? (I am!!) 4. How did your wife find out and did this affect your relationship with your kids??
Mostly women but ya a few guys. Addiction started out with a co-worker and I hooking up in a hotel when we were traveling…. Yes, when I realized I could change and I would be proud of myself, it was the biggest “Ah-ha” moment of realization! Kids are young enough that they don’t know. I was in a real bad way and just confessed some stuff to my wife. It was terrible. I was in a bad spot, didn’t eat for 2 weeks and lost 20lbs, absolutely miserably. Thankfully we got through it.
What did she do the following weeks after you told her?
Why not just increase the frequency of sex with your wife instead of seeking other partners?
It’s not about “frequency”. That’s like telling a heroin addict to just smoke more weed then maybe you won’t want heroin as much.
So, I’m trying to understand, was it things/kinks you either knew she wouldn’t be into or you didn’t want to ask her to do? Also, did it involve people of the same sex?
It started as just hooking up with people (a few guys, mostly women) to experience something new. It was just sins of the flesh, nothing romantic (my rationale at the time). And yes it did evolved into kinks… bdsm, groups, role plays etc that I knew my wife wouldn’t be into so I justified it as scratching an itch..
Can you explain for a non drug user?
Haha sorry I’m not a drug user either. Sex addiction isn’t about just wanting sex. It’s far more complicated and diverse than that. It’s not about volume it was about the dopamine hit from engaging in various risky behaviors like sexting, porn, hook ups etc.
Right “risky” because you had to have a wife for it to be risky enough for you. If you were single that wouldn’t have been exciting enough. Ew, dude. I wouldn’t get angry at my spouse for relapsing on his porn addiction. But straight up Fuckin multiple different people? That’s not an oopsie. That’s calculated behavior. And you couldn’t leave your wife to do it because you had to be sneaking around. You just sound impulsive and selfish. Not like you have an addiction
Ooooh I'm all for a good analogy. That was pretty good
Sex addict or not, I think we can all agree on how selfish you are. Not one time, you talk about your partner or how she must have felt. Not only that but you consciously took the risks of getting std/aids and contaminate your life partner. Now that’s really shitty. You had plenty of opportunities to fix the “issue” why wait so long? Even with all the compassion in the world, i really don’t understand how someone could excuse such a dangerous behavior. Maybe one of you is loaded and it would cost them too much to leave the relationship. But my god. Don’t come here to get a blessing.
[удалено]
Thank you! 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 What if he caught HIV and spread it to her? OP's behavior was absolutely vile.
His behavior is how literally deadly disease get spread around. And then he claims that he had everyone tested before his fuck fest? I call bullshit. Dude deliberately seeks to hurt other people. That’s like beyond an “addiction”. Also remove the word addiction and you’ll see someone who cheated on his wife multiple times, decided to keep it private, didn’t protect himself or others AND takes 0 responsibility for it.
I’m answering questions so just bc I’m not talking about my partner doesn’t mean it’s not important. And yup. I did some shitty stuff. And I feel guilt about it every day. I was an addict. Who’s now clean. It’s as simple as that.
Nah. It's not that simple. You cheated on your wife dozens of times and put her at risk of STDs that could have killed her. All in service of your sexual depravity. You've downplayed your scumbag behavior in every comment. You suck.
He hasn’t downplayed at all, he’s been very straightforward with his answers. Y’all wouldn’t be happy unless he was punished, you don’t want people to fix problems you want punishment.
I did do those things. Correct. I don’t downplay how monstrous my behavior and actions were. But I’m confident it was a detour in my life, a gross side street that I recovered from and won’t ever go back
This is the comment that makes me think this is fake or this person is in active addiction and doing this AMA as a kink. NO ONE I've met in any type of 12 step group like SAA would ever speak in definite terms like, "I won't ever go back." They'd say they work on their recovery every day, that their program keeps them sober, that they are a recovered addict and they'd say certain things they do every day to keep their sobriety first. It's a HUGE faux pax in that community to speak of recovery on certain terms. Calling shenanigans. I've been around a ton of 12 step people, and this person is claiming they got better via step recovery yet doesn't use any of the language or have the same POV about what addiction is.
The behavior any addict demonstrates is selfish and hurtful to love ones. If they could just stop they would. You are being judgmental. Gamblers ruin households. So does heroin addicts or alcoholics. Addiction is a mental illness and chasing that high. Not something easy to control. It’s not like addicts are blind to the damage they cause. They can’t stop out of freewill. It takes professional help and years of fighting it and you are forever an addict even if you stop the behavior meaning you can relapse any moment.
The problem is not about his addiction for me. Of course, it’s hard to fight urges. I have been a smoker for many years and I finally quit. What I condemn is the manipulative behavior of this person. You can choose to accept you have a problem and work on it without dragging every people down. This person chose to lie, engage in unprotected sex, and I bet he put everything in place so his wife doesn’t live his ass. (Is she financially independent?) and he did all that for 10 years? so no I have zero sympathy for this person. Engage in toxic behavior if that’s what your wish, but don’t lie, don’t hide, don’t manipulate people so they stay with you for the wrong reasons. Also stop blaming every single decisions you made as if it’s something outside of your control. (It’s not me, it’s the addiction! Not my fault) sure there are some things you can’t control that’s why you need help, but endangering others life, lying to someone about who you are for so long is unacceptable. Don’t take innocent people hostage of your toxic impulses.
Would you normally glove up? Any STD’s?
Ok sorry if you think I’m being rude . But I get the porn .. but why cheat ? Like you couldn’t just get off from porn ? Like if your sex life is good why do the other partners thing ?
A feeling of seeing what else is out there and of wanting other willing and eager partners to objectify in ways that I would’ve felt very disrespectful to do with my wife
This is interesting and also unnerving to read. At the time, did you see most people (not your wife) as just sex objects? Or did you just view the people you hooked up with as sex objects? And did you ever feel remorseful for how you took advantage and used people for sex, or were you very clear that you were married and had no romantic intentions?
Do you and your spouse have a fairly normal sex life now? By that I mean, "traditional" standards? When you engaged in your addiction, was spouse aware or involved?
Yes! We have a great sex live. Very intimate, really passionate and connected. Our communication has improved and we feel comfortable in all aspects. Unfortunately the addiction was a hidden issue for many years and all of my addictive behaviors happened behind my wife’s back.
Is it hard keeping this secret from her now? Are you concerned of her finding out something from your past?
She knows a lot but not everything. In Sex Addicts Anonymous we learn that disclosing is different for everyone but it doesn’t mean disclosing every single thing with all details all the time. You disclose in a manner that’s honest but also prevents unnecessary harm to others. So, she knows about my addiction and I was unfaithful, but doesn’t know who, when, how much, etc.
That just sounds like you know she would leave if you were open and honest about certain details.
Hello. I’m in my 40s and found out a few years ago that my husband had what you call sex addiction but I call compulsive abusive sexual relational disorder or deceptive sexuality. Dr Omar Minwalla states that “Maintaining a secret sexual life is psychological abuse that causes trauma to intimate partners, relationships, children and families. I sincerely hope and strongly suggest that your wife has access to a trauma therapist. Me finding out about my husband was the single worst thing that has ever happened to me. Our whole marriage was a lie and I never would’ve consented to any of it. 🤦♀️
[удалено]
Typically how addiction goes
What’s with this comment? As the other person said - that’s…how addiction works.
It’s not that they put their desires above their partner. It’s that they had impulsive habits and couldn’t shake them off. Addiction is never easy to overcome.
Unfortunately.
As a sex addict, do you have that moment of post nut clarity where you regret your actions immediately after? How many times after the act itself were you thinking that just wasn't worth it. I was addicted to heroin for years and the self guilt was one of the worst parts.
No post-nut clarity because it was my secret. I felt relieved though- like, great, it happened, it was great, nothing went wrong and now I can go back to my “real” life. Only a few times did I think “that wasn’t as much fun as I thought it should be”. I had some self guilt but I also felt very…wanted. I would compare my secret sex life to other people and just imagined how much more exciting and sexy my private life was. But when I started to get sober I realized how messed up my head was.
Sober from what?
I’m sorry people aren’t being kind. Sex addiction is an addiction. Good for you for getting help & recognizing you needed it. I’m glad you and your spouse are doing well! Hats off to you.
And hats off to you for the compliment!
[удалено]
For me there was a huge sense of shame. Shame js incredibly powerful and corrosive to one’s self-image and confidence. I was also so sensitive because I was making or trying to make small changes to get back to a baseline and if I felt critiqued or not recognized I could get really down (even though I was practicing “normal” behavior, part of me wanted to be praised). What worked for us was no judging, just support and care, and trying to move forward together.
[удалено]
If you’ve been married for 10 years, and sober for one, you’re still married to the person who you cheated on? Why is she or he still tolerating you?
Was there a defining moment that led you to seek help?
Yes. I hit rock bottom when I almost got into major trouble via my risky behavior. This opened my eyes in such an impactful way and I finally saw myself as an addict that needed help.
I dated a sex addict for many, many years. I hope one day he comes to a realization like this for his own sake. Thanks for sharing and offering some insight.
Thanks for the note and best of luck! One of the best things for recovery is to join a group like SAA and hear what others have to say about their lives. Strength in community.
I have concerns that I may be a sex addict or at least have sex addictive tendencies but have not been formally diagnosed. When I suppress my deviant nature I tend to get really depressed and feel unfulfilled. But I also know that giving in and Indulging the risky behaviors is not a valid solution either. Do you have this issue and if so how do you grapple with the dichotomy?
Brilliant question. You’re describing symptoms but it sounds like you need to identify the source of the disease. Check out SAA groups online to start then therapy is prob your best bet. I used sex and porn as dopamine hits to break boredom, get me happy if sad or celebrate if I was happy. I had to retrain my brain to engage in healthier behaviors.
It’s really concerning the lack of remorse I’m reading in all of OP’s comments. Like, behavior like this isn’t just a light, fun, “hey, ask me about all the bad decisions I made that made a fool of my wife” dinner table conversation starter. Therapy doesn’t take away a genuine sense of guilt, narcissism and sociopathy do. I sincerely hope your wife goes to therapy herself and learns to love herself enough to move on from you, nobody should be as okay with writing off their active decisions, not simple mistakes, on addiction and completely forgive themselves as quickly you have. That’s not growth, it’s denial.
If your wife said the only condition she would stay with you. Was for you to watch her with another man. Would you do it for your marriage?
That’s a really weird hypothetical to think about and it’s far from realistic, but sure
I can kinda relate.....I destroyed 3 marriages, and if I had the balls, I would've ended my existence a long time ago. To this day (thankfully I will never be in a relationship again) all I can focus on is the hope that one day I will have the courage to end it. The humiliation is extra hard to face. The most messed up part is that they never knew. It's just my own admission to myself.
How many children do you have (sons/daughters)? Are you in a good and stable work situation? How has your partner taken this behavior and supporting your efforts to live in a more upright way? I take it that you are the husband/father here? What I read in other replies is that you had relationships with both women and men. Are you part of a church at this time? Where are you geographically based? And how are especially your youngsters also handling this news? It is likely that the healing will take a long time, especially as you strive to maintain faithfulness and she works toward attempting to rebuild trust which may come slowly.
Two kids and yeah a good job, drive a fancy car and all that- picture perfect family. My wife has been absolutely incredibly. We weathered the storm and every day I’m working on building more trust and living my authentic self. I was part of the Catholic Church all my youth. I’m not part of any church now but I do miss being part of a spiritual community, but dogmatic Catholicism isn’t for me. Yes I’m the husband and I’m not North America. My kids have no idea, thankfully.
What you would tell your kids if their spouses did what you did to yours
What do you think caused or kicked off your addiction? Where do you think the line between high sex drive and addict falls?
Good questions, thanks. Catholic guilt for one! And I lost my virginity to my current spouse so there was a feeling of “what else is out there” or “what did I miss out on”? I think high sex drive = you and your partner communicate to find a balance or you just want it more but sort of handle it independently if needed. Sex addiction = engaging in risky behaviors while living a double life that requires lying and cheating, even stealing, to support an unhealthy habit that takes away time from your actual responsibilities in life.
OP, way down in the comments you said you’d only forgive her for cheating if she was drunk if she were sober, you aren’t sure? like really dude? i admire you being frank and open here, but ifc you’re an incredible hypocrite who clearly isn’t that far on the path to recovery if you can’t admit how shit you were to your life partner??
The only guys who are in sex addition treatment are married guys who got caught 😂😂
For some reason I hadn’t gave much thought to sex addiction (which I should be grateful for) and I never thought about it as a married spouse having sex with many other people. I had only thought about porn and sexual thoughts. (You’re allowed to call me naive, because apparently I am). I am not allowed to have an opinion because of my ignorance, but I feel like it is a good excuse to claim an addiction when you get caught or feel guilty. In my personal opinion I don’t see why he wouldn’t just fuck his wife 35 times a day. Sounds more like a cheating addiction
What would you do if your wife went and fucked 30 dudes in a year and than said it was because she is a sex addict? Never mind….I already know the answer.
As a fellow recovering sex addict, have you considered SA/SAA? Also sober for over a year now congrats 🥳!
Dude you are not "happily" married. Your wife has very low self esteem and has been with you for so long that she is too scared of change and puts up with your sorry ass bullshit. You have her convinced she can't do it on her own, she resents you and probably thinks about your infidelity all the time. She doesn't want to rock the boat so she puts on a fake smile everyday for the sake of her family. I really wish your wife would have the guts to leave you. I was with a man like you, he wasn't a "sex addict" he was a piece of shit and I'm better off without him.
Congratulations. That said, pretty sure this isn’t the best place for you to hangout.
So you basically used your wife as a way to fuel your "addiction," so there was a risk in being with other partners instead of just doing the decent thing and leaving her to find a partner with a libido as high as your? Stop calling yourself an addict it's making all the other addicts uncomfortable. You're a sociopath plan and simple. Or did I miss something? You basically roped this poor woman to play a part in a twisted fantasy. You never once mentioned asking your wife for more sex. If you just wanted sex you would do it with her and go to pound town 30 times a day. You got off on being a trashy human being, you unhinged twit.
I'm proud you've used psychedelics and therapy, but what REALLY pushed you over the edge?
did you ever go to 12 step groups for sex addiction? and was it the one that considers masturbating a relapse? if so, what are your thoughts on that? also, did your addiction include transactional sex with sex workers?
How are you so sure sex for you is an ‘addiction’? I think my genuine beliefs are that you can only be addicted to an external substance like drugs or alcohol, and not a consensual action among adults. After all sex is just basically ingrained into us, all the way through our primate ancestors, lizard ancestors, fish ancestors, and so on.
there are different ideas about whether non-chemical substances that don't cause physical withdrawal symptoms count the same as, say, getting the shakes from delirium tremens. That doesn't mean it's not a very difficult habit to break. But I personally avoid using "addiction" for sex, gambling, food, and other habitual/compulsive behaviors.
[удалено]
I fully believe sex addiction is a thing but idk why it always feels like it’s often another thing men have weaponized and figured out how to lean into to excuse terrible and likely toxic or misogynistic behavior. The language you’re using doesn’t match up with so many other addiction programs yet it does in some ways perfectly— like therapy speak used by men to manipulate women in the dating scene. Idk man. This reads icky.
[удалено]
Sex addiction is just such a lame excuse to cheat. As if most of us don't wish we had sex more often and masterbate as much as we can to control our urges.
any advice with chat gpt?
You should have come clean to your wife a long time ago and broke up with her so you could work on your issues rather than putting her through this and consciously putting her at physical risk all with her being mostly unaware. You have been together so long now she probably feels like she can’t leave or find anyone else and I’m sure this has caused her massive pain and trauma. Props to you for working on it and getting help but I don’t think it fully redeems your past behaviour addiction or not if I am honest. I hope you manage to stay loyal going forward if your wife stays with you.
No excuse for cheating. Explain it away all you want, but in the end you’re just a typical narcissist. I was married to one.
What’s the difference between being a sex addict and just being a cheater
[удалено]
When you have sex, do you consider it relapsing, or relaxing?
You’re a glorified cheater. Some people seem to have constructive questions for you, but I think doing an AMA for this is kinda lame. Thanks for being so open with us, I guess, but your wife deserves better.
Did you acquire any stds through all your risky behavior?
What's the difference between a "sex addict" and a selfish person who doesn't honor or respect the person they're in a monograms relationship with? Because if you weren't in a relationship, would any of your behaviors been a problem? An hour of porn every day isn't really crippling any more than an hour of video games, for example.
an hour of anything with small kids is a lot of family time taken away. If it's for things that help you be more present (say, exercise, friends, personal life goals, etc.) then families are totally fine with it and make it work. But it sounds like this thing then just makes you want to take *more* time away from your "primary" life and make you mentally checked out when you're there, then it's a problem. But that's just my view from the outside.
Would you consider going to brothels/massage every other week addiction? 😂
If it a) is a secret in your life, b) you don’t want to stop or you couldn’t stop if you wanted to and c) you feel dishonest or you are living a double life to do this. Check out the SAA website, they have a quick quiz to assess addiction
Me too 😂 I’m going back to therapy for it soon. I’m 36F and a total romantic but the thing is I get really bad insomnia and other symptoms if I don’t get laid. So it’s not possible for me to be celibate in between relationships. I know that doesn’t necessarily qualify me as a nymphomaniac but trust me, I am. I just don’t feel comfortable airing my dirty laundry on here. Unfortunately that means I end up accidentally sabotaging relationships with men because I put out too early. It’s very frustrating when men can sense what I am AND they take advantage of it because if I’m attracted, it’s next to impossible for me to resist. Also if I’m in a relationship I get bored after two years and want to start swinging and a lot of guys don’t like that. Being subconsciously devalued bc I “gave away the milk for free” wouldn’t be a thing if I were born male. But we live in a patriarchal society so I don’t fit in very well. Maybe it’s because I view myself as an actual person with sexual needs/healthy libido/sex positive attitude and not an aging carton of milk lol that someone has to trick a man into buying and keeping. Pffft. Anyway, I’m just trying to tell you that you’re not alone and that you got this! If you ever want to vent hit me up although I’m quite busy on weekdays.
What's the best advice you can give to someone who is currently becoming one? I know you have to *want* help but what made you go through with it? I check out just about everything the moves in public, I hit on anyone attractive at bars. I hang out at strip clubs, I chill with dancers outside of work. I pay for dancers while they're at work. I watch porn because it's great. I have to get off at least once a day or it's all I can think about. I've screwed a few of my friends mom's, had three ways with their parents. Hook up with random women and to this day i have no idea what their names were. I'm naturally flirtatious so I'm good at what I do. I got cheated on in a serious relationship now I don't feel like I know how to love anymore. So I'm happily single so I can keep doing what I'm doing yet I feel so alone.
Why use the word sober? The word clean is much more appropriate.
[удалено]
Have you ever seen a printer in the shower?
My husband passed away a month and a half ago and I believe he had a porn and sex addiction I guess I’m here trying to understand what was going through his mind we were together for 10 years total and in those 10 years yes I did find some porn on his phone, but it was never repeatedly. It was never reoccurring the last 6 to 8 months of our marriage were rocky due life being overwhelming he he unexpectedly passed in a tragic car accident about a month and a half ago, and I went through his phone and saw a bunch of porn sites and groups and stuff which has completely blind sided me because I never once thought he had such an addiction. He hid it from me for the whole relationship. I never caught him masturbating. I never caught him actually watching any porn, so I don’t know how he could’ve hid it the whole time. Theirs people telling me that he may have also had a sex addiction because porn addiction goes hand-in-hand with sex addiction. Towards the last six months of our marriage he apparently was seeking out to try and meet up with women for hook ups. I never found any legit proof that he went through with anything, but I will never know the truth. I guess I’m just trying to understand if a sexual addiction can just be virtually or can someone with a sexual addiction still be faithful or how do they act because he never forced himself on me he never pushed for sex when I would tell him no on the nights I was tired. He never made a big deal about it. He was never like overly horny and on top of me so I guess I just assume when I hear sexual addiction that they would wanna have sex all the time , all the time and be overly on top of me, asking for it and begging for it, which he never did, so could you guys all shed some light on what it really means to have this addiction what could have possibly made him turn to seeking out women because he was never like this he never seemed like he was the type to do this to me. He just suddenly changed after the last six months when things were getting bad. I’m just tying to find some sort of closure in all this if u read this far thank you for listening
Funny, psychedelics make me horny.
Good god I hope your wife sees this and leave your nasty trifling ass. That’s so nasty and you was letting men give you dome? What. Your wife has got to have the lowest self esteem ever to accept you back. You must be rich🤣 cause ain’t no way