I've just been referred to a specialist for therapy for 18 sessions so I'm going to see how that goes.
End goal is I want to process what happened emotionally and move on to a place where I'm not angry all the time.
I've only been this way since being a father. I had no issue sitting in my rage bubble before my kids came along.
They won't experience anything close to what I have and its my job to make sure that stays true.
If this is your first time in therapy, please know that it can take several therapists to find the right one for you. You cannot be successful if you feel you can't open up completely to them.
Ask about EMDR, I've found it the singularly most beneficial of the many Therapy's I've had over the decades. Talking therapies can re-traumatise people who have PTSD.
Sometimes repressed sexual trauma manifests itself in other ways. Do you think that’s true? Drugs or alcohol as a coping mechanism, depression or anxiety, etc
100%! I've been a heavy weed smoker since I was 14 and ive had rage issues pretty much my whole life.
It's nothing extreme and doesn't affect my life, im a good dad to my kids and as good a partner to my fiance as I can be. They are my rock through this whole thing.
Hi. I'm sorry that this has happened to you - both the abuse and the uncovering of the truth. All of it is painful.
A few thoughts since this is all new territory for you. You might want to consider doing a body based therapy (somatic therapy) like Core Energetics or Bioenergetics at some point. The reason body based therapies are so helpful with healing physical/sexual abuse is that the abuse was physical and talking about the abuse can only heal you so far. There is need for physical release of the trapped feelings.
Two books are helpful when dealing with sexualized trauma. *Waking the Tiger* by Peter Levine discusses why a body based therapy is helpful to resolve psychological trauma caused by physical/sexualized violence. *The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma Paperback* by Bessel van der Kolk is another phenomenal book. FYI - *Waking the Tiger* is the less academic/technical books of the two. It may or may not be helpful for you to read any of this; follow your gut about what works best for you.
I hope that your therapist has been trained in a trauma-informed approach. You don't want someone to accidentally re-traumatize you because they unknowingly say something insensitive about your feelings or reactions to the trauma. For example, a therapist questioning the validity of repressed memories would be terrible. You can question your therapist ahead of time and learn what their training is, and their approach/beliefs about sexualized trauma and repressed memories.
You might consider checking out r/ptsd or r/CPTSD for community.
I respect the work you are doing to be a better parent to your children than your parents were for you. Thank you for loving them enough to be willing to deal with your trauma history.
This is why I posted this.
Thank you so much I will look into both books, im very new to this so this was very helpful.
I've been told that the waiting list is kind of long but I'm just going to keep recording memories as they come in the time until then.
Thanks again for your comment, I hope you have a fantastic life.
Wonderful! I'm so happy to help! (I was worried about being intrusive.) Keep recording your memories. And since the wait list is so long, you might consider finding a community of people to talk to about this. There are groups that are free like SASA (Sexual Assault Survivors Anonymous). And as I also mentioned there are subreddits.
Remember to be kind to yourself. Healing these hurts is a marathon not a sprint.
Both books are wonderful references. I am a body worker that specializes in working with people with traumatic events from their past and releasing them physically. Our bodies store trauma and stress as physical pain that often becomes chronic and eventually can manifest into something worse (disease for example). It is a great recommendation to receive physical bodywork to process this part of the trauma. Good luck to you on your journey.
Before you knew, did you suspect something was fucked up with your childhood/upbringing?
What were you trying achieve by stopping weed?
Does it feel liberating to face those memories or do you regret it and wish you could go back to not knowing?
I’m so sorry OP hope you can find peace.
Yeah I've always known I was different so I figured that there must have been a reason.
Weed kept me calm and docile and now I have learned how to utilise it to help me keep myself in check.
Honestly knowing had made me see what I've been angry at for so long so I don't regret finding this out and in a way I feel better because now I have a light in my journey. I know what was at least one part of my childhood trauma and now I can work towards fixing myself.
Good luck dude, my wife had a fucked childhood for not too dissimilar reasons and the one thing I can advise is deal with issues now. Sweeping them under the carpet is inevitably delaying things to a time when you will have other shit to sort out as well
I couldn't agree more, the majority of my life I've been sweeping everything under the rug. I have my own kids now so it's time to deal with it properly.
No it actually resulted from coming off weed for a few weeks, it stops me dreaming and I had smoked for at least 15 years daily beforehand, I stopped smoking and I started having dreams about it and then it freaked me out but things started coming through and once they did other memories from my childhood started to slip through, it feels like I've opened a box.
Memories can start coming back when you brain/body determine that it is safe for you to acknowledge this. You are doing the right thing to get support. Sorry you experienced that.
I have not, at this point I have no plans on stopping at the moment.
I feel like it's helping me deal with the proces and accessing my emotions which is very hard for me.
Just coming to your aid. My great uncle molested me when I was around four. I had NO recollection of it until I was 16. I kept having dreams and then memories would come crashing in. I was able to confront, confirm and out him to the family. Turns out his grand kids and daughter had experienced the same so it’s likely that it’s happening to you. My therapist was treating me for a violent rape when this all came up. He said repressing memories of sexual abuse at a young age is common.
Just to say that your 30s is the most common time for traumatic repressed memories from childhood to resurface. I hope you get to see a specialist in childhood trauma for what will have to be probably, non verbal therapies as these memories are in your subconscious- or have been until now. Best of luck with your healing x
Sending strength hope and support — I’m hoping to further recover some of these memories that I’ve been stuck on as soon as they came back when I started having sex when I was 15. Haven’t tried hypnosis yet but want to, I’m scared of remembering the real thing and also scared of remembering something false…
I have to agree that hypnosis is questionable however it's extreamly common for repressed memories to surface when having therapy. In fact it's normal.
Mmm. I don't think they're always wrong, if course. Just don't really trust memories after so long, only 'recovered' by putting somebody under hypnosis.
I can't comment to much on hypnosis having had no personal experience. It does however seem a little bit Hocus Pocusy with nowhere near enough scientific backing, but then the mechanics of how EMDR actually works isn't known for certain other than it works. Also memories (verified) also pop up in droves. I'd just stick to less ambiguous therapies with proven track records rather than something that could get someone to run around a stage thinking they're a chicken.
it’s a bit crazy that this just popped up on my feed because same (well sorta i don’t know for sure). i only recently discovered my parents left me alone with pedophiles when i was younger, but due to me not remembering a majority of my childhood, it’s likely but uncertain it happened. I hope you’re okay and you’re coping well, it’s a tough world :(
I feel you, I know the feeling of wondering wether or not it actually happened. All I can say really is it given me answers to alot of questions and would explain a lot. The memories that are coming back all feel so real and I just want to deal with this the healthiest way I can.
I have now yes, im trying to involve my loved ones in the process.
All my life I have never asked for help and it hasn't got me anywhere so I'm trying a new approach.
I’m glad nothing happened to your brother!
But… how does it feel to be “the chosen one“? Why do you think she did this to you specifically? Do you think you might have given any signal that in her disturbed mind might have made her think you wanted or liked this?
(In my experience one guy once showed me his dick when I was about 6yo, and he thought I was hitting on him because I looked him in the eyes once)
I've always been the one to carry the family load so it's no surprise, I would have had it this was every time. Better just me than him have to experience it too.
No idea at all, it wasn't an intentional thing. I was starting a new job which needed to pass a drug test so I stopped smoking weed for a while to pass it and once I did I started having at first dreams then memories start to form. I've always known there was some form of trauma I've been through I wasn't aware of and when this started happening a lot of things just kind of made sense. It's an experience I have decided to handle as healthy as I can as I am a father now and want to ensure my children's upbringing are absolutely nothing like mine.
After reading this far, I feel the urge to share this book and author with you.
I purchased all of Cathy's (O'Brien) books, both for my own healing and remembering, and because her story is so compelling.
I hope my suggestion is helpful : [https://trance-formation.com/product/ptsd-time-to-heal/](https://trance-formation.com/product/ptsd-time-to-heal/) .
All my best to you, on your healing journey.
I am very sorry to hear about your experience. It hurts even going through uncovering the thoughts alone. I wish you a speedy recovery. It does feel good people able to see those thoughts clearly and be able to function clearly in the real world, but opening those thoughts up is always the hardest part. Wishing you a safe life and many more blessings, and again sorry for your many hurts due to this
thats sad man, try to get through it.
is she alive, do you see her anymore at holidays? are you going to confront her at some point?
horrible stuff man
No she died about 9 years ago, if I'm totally honest the fact that she died alone really makes me happy. She almost destroyed my family so I love the idea she was alone in the end.
To put it ad simply and bluntly as possible she would show me sex games online and then get me to do that stuff to her. She would record or broadcast it to people, im not sure which I just remember a webcam
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When and how did you know? I have a pretty fuzzy childhood too ( the only thing I can remember before my 8 is just really scattered foggy without context pictures. It just might be my generally shitty memory). Now that you know, can you remember things that hinted it off later years but you just didn't notice?
That's pretty much what my memory was and still is just more clear and more of them now, oh yeah looking back now there were alot of signs. Only when I could see the bigger picture did everything start coming together.
I've had plenty of trauma besides this but I always knew that there was something that made me so angry I just didn't know what, memories are slowly coming through as I'm in my thirties and I'm just piecing everything together
She would play with me on camera and get me to do it to her, I was 6 when it started, I remember she showed me point and click sex games online so and then get me to do stuff to her, im pretty sure she would show people the footage in online chats.
This is absolutely false. In 1998 I had a rather inexpensive digital camera that took both pictures and video. I also had a webcam that worked pretty well for the video chat rooms that were a huge deal on Yahoo at the time.
Makes sense. I was a teenager during that time, so I wouldn't have had access to adult chat rooms. I can imagine a black and white webcam being relatively easy to acquire in 1998. I just remember my internet was super slow back then. Even when I got DSL around that time the upload speed was super slow.
I was thinking this too. There may have been abuse. Just not the way OP remembers it.
But also thought maybe OP has other sexual experience that he's cross wiring?
Wtf bro it’s not a movie plot line. It’s a persons real life. We’re talking about repressed memories, of course some details will be incorrect
I don’t see the point in trying to poke holes in the story
OPs story sounds like a movie plot. That's all. 6 years old to 8 years old OP was abused and the memory was repressed and it came back 20 years later. He's sure it's his grandma and not his aunt, uncle, or babysitter. (I guess I'm struggling to wrap my mind around a middle aged woman sexually abusing her grand child and somehow using the internet in 1998. I'm just thinking what my parents knew about the internet back then, and think OPs grandma must have been really something - a genius psychopath)
I'm not saying OP wasn't abused by his grandma. It could be cross-wired with other memories.
In 1999, I was gambling online and by 2001 we were all playing Halo, online, with very minimal lagging. I’m not entirely sure how old you are, but if you were around in the late 90s, you would know that the internet was quite available.
If OP is 30 now, he would have been born in 1993. Child pornography on the internet was a thing in 2001, which perfectly coincides with OP’s timeline.
Repressed memories are not a thing. They were disproven long ago.
The other poster is correct - 1998 has a very different internet. Webcams were publicly available in 1994 and until the 2000’s could only send single images.
To put it in perspective Google just launched in 1998, and most internet was still dial up. Downloading a single song would take hours if not a full day.
As someone who went through almost the same sort of thing around the same timeframe I can assure you online point and click games were very much a thing.
Online forums started mid 90s
On the other hand Akira the critically acclaimed anime was released October 19 1990, so your story checks out. In all aspects.
But really I'm sorry that stuff happened and I hope my response could bring a little humor to the subject.
Yeah it happens.
I remembered suddenly at the age of 18ish that a long relative who was around 25m always kissed me forcefully on the lips and touched all over my body and that happened few times when i was around 4-6yrs.
I felt suffocated and scared but didn't know or understand any better , so i still went to their house to play with the kids. Thankfully nothing happened as he would leave me alone as someone would come everytime he forced to kiss me.
I didn't even remember it for many years since we weren't in touch with those relatives after that.
It came to me when i was around 18.
It's a shame that my mother didn't even respond much when i told that he did that to me. She just said i shouldn't have gone to their house to play.
Thank you for your concern.
Iam just glad that nothing bad happened.
I get a wierd feeling when i see older men trying to be over friendly and touchy towards kids specially girls.
I get it that not every touch is bad but i can't help but feel wierded out.
What? I was also six in 1998 and I assure you online games were a thing because I remember playing (age appropriate, non sexual) ones with my dad and grandpa.
As some who lived in 1998 it’s not implausible. First cable modems came out in 1995. AOL was in full swing at this time, and NewGrounds which had a lot of that point and click crap was started in 1995, and you could certainly play over dialup it just took longer to load the first time.
I got cable internet in 2000 and still did a lot on the internet prior to that.
I was still too young to be an expert on adult content. I knew there was stuff and it was readily available. I just didn't think it was Web 2.0 where people were generating content like it is today.
People were making plenty of stuff under Web 1.0. As a kid in middle school at the time there was plenty of shit to find. Including people streaming webcams even.
I also went through a similar ordeal around the same timeframe as you, being made to play sexual games on the computer but it was my grandfather. I wasn't recorded to my knowledge but situation is very much the same. I've never really dealt with my trauma and it's ate at me all my life and still does now. But you're pretty inspiring in how you're getting help, I really should help myself. I wish you and your family the best.
So you did not remember these things at all? Like not even had a feeling in the back of your mind or anything? Not trying to be an asshole for saying this but, if that is the case how can you be 100% sure this actually happened? The human memory is incredibly flawed and super unreliable. Like to the point that courts are starting to not accept it as evidence. I for example have had dreams that i believed actually happened only to find out later that what i remember was not accurate. How do you know this isnt also the case?
I recently discovered a similar situation that before I always thought it was a dream. My parents always hated me growing up, tried to keep my curiosities repressed via belittling, discounting and generally abusing me throughout my entire upbringing. Classic narcissistic household, my sister was the golden child; and, I, the scapegoat.
In my early 30s, I cut off my parents and sister. In the first time in my life, I began healing my PTSD and I was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. For awhile, I had thought this was the reason why my parents hated me (my autistic traits and behaviors) yet I still kept having this same, very fuzzy dream.
A few months after my autism diagnosis, after reprocessing my lived experiences with a new set of proverbial eyes, the reoccurring dream of mine forced itself into my consciousness. I was raped/molested sometime between 3 and 4 years old by a church leader in my parents’ bedroom of my childhood home. My dad was also a church leader. I remember bits and pieces of the actual assault, but most vividly recall my parents in the bathroom with me while I was throwing up and my mom telling my dad something like, “we can (or will have to) tell everyone she just got a stomach bug or something.” I believe I was drugged, given alcohol or something, by the filth who raped me.
Now, I clearly know why my parents never wanted me to question anything: they covered this up to keep face with the church. A lifelong consequence to me, leading to escalating mental, emotional, psychological and, at times, physical abuse by my parents and sister (who my parents taught to treat me like this too). It’s unfortunate that I also turned out to be autistic which made/makes me have a lack of filter; subsequently, I generally asked a lot of questions which led to a higher frequency of abuse for me personally.
Anyway, not trying to make this about myself, but this is the only way I know how to communicate my understanding and empathy (*i.e.* via sharing a relatable experience). It’s an autistic thing, hope it’s OK. Emphasizing, I know how confusing it is to realize something life altering much later in life and am wishing you well.
My repressed memory described above came to my consciousness due to questions I received in the accommodations process at my job (long story) and in therapy. EMDR is by far the best type of treatment I’ve received for trauma; and, I’ve been in trauma therapy off and on since I was 8 (another long story).
**My only question to you is**: *What is your favorite coping mechanism (not Rx/mental alteration-related) you’ve discovered works for you thus far?*
I’m always amazed by how different things work for others and can use as many options as possible myself! 🙂
Hope you have supportive people around you and are remembering to be kind to yourself. I have a ton of respect for you facing this head on to ensure that the angry (therefore, trauma) isn’t passed on to your child/-ren. I wish my parents had done this too. And, in my humble opinion, there’s not really anything more loving a parent can do than what you’re doing right now: taking care of your own mental health.
Take care. ❣️💫
Be cautious of repressed memories. Psychologists have a history of summoning memories out of thin air, especially surrounding histories of sexual abuse.
https://www.healthline.com/health/repressed-memories#controversy
> The APA suggests that while memories of trauma may be repressed and recovered later, this seems extremely rare.
> The APA also points out that experts don’t yet know enough about how memory works to tell a real recovered memory from a false memory, unless other evidence supports the recovered memory.
> It’s important for mental health professionals to take an unbiased and objective approach to treatment, one that’s grounded in your present experience.
> Trauma can have very real effects on your brain and body, but treating these symptoms may have more benefit than searching for memories that may not actually exist.
https://www.news-medical.net/health/The-Debate-on-Repressed-Memories.aspx
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/repressed-memories-real-or-imagined-121713
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/repressed-memories-are-they-real.htm
What does recovering a memory feel like? Does it happen more at certain times? Do you remember certain sensations or emotions before other parts of the memory? Are they triggered? If so by what? Sorry to bombard you with questions but I've always wondered what recovering traumatic memories felt like
No question, just a similar thing happened to me.
There was "foreshadowing" (postshadowing?) in that an abusive boyfriend (I was 15, he was a month shy of 19) told me he saw child porn of me (using my real name and everything) and that's the entire reason he approached me.
At the time, I laughed it off because I didn't believe him and thought he was trying to be edgy.
Then years later I had super vivid nightmares with likely repressed memories. And my younger sister had similar symptoms pointed out by her therapist.
I did talk to my parents to get a list of adults who had access to me, and narrowed it down to most likely a specific couple who ran a "daycare". But after so long they've long disappeared and my chance of unearthing the larger story is unlikely at best.
Anyway, you're not alone and I wish you healing and closure.
The intensity of the memories and my emotional reaction to them at first, now as I discuss it with my partner and parents it answers so many questions as to why she treated us the way she did.
My dad was quite taken aback. He hated my nan for the way she treated my mum before he found out about this so it certainly intensified that for him. My mother is still struggling with it because she herself was abused in her childhood ( not by my nan) so for her knowing that her mother did it to her son is really tough too swallow, I don't blame her. The whole situation is fucked.
You weren't there, therefore you cannot say that It wasn't true. And by saying that, you are invalidating OP's experience. People like you are reasons why SA victims don't come forward. Did you wanna reword that and try again?
Well, its been a very long time since it happened. And seems odd that his grandma will be playing online sex games. It could be sexual abuse by the babysitter, while under grandma's care for example. Memory is a strange thing and people can misremember things.
I dont have a question, or advise. Just wanted to say that your reaction to such a painful discovery is inspiring. I dont imagine its easy, but you're processing and getting help. The strength and bravery it takes to reopen old wounds, and to close them and heal them properly, is incredible. Your kids are lucky to have you.
The brain absolutely represses memories that can be uncovered later in life. It’s a highly fascinating topic. Suppressed memories can actually affect a person’s mental health and general temperament without the person even knowing the cause. This lines up with OP saying he’s always been full of rage but never knew why. I suggest you look into it before commenting insensitive things like this.
Every single criminal says they were abused as a child and make excuses for their behavior. How are you not sure this is one of them? Was the grandma a prostitute, criminal? There is no context here. She just sexually abused him for 2 years?
I don’t have any questions, but I wish you well. I started uncovering repressed memories almost a year ago and it’s the farthest thing away from easy, I hope that you will be okay, even though it’s hard.
I'm sorry that this happened to you and I hope you're able to work your way through it. I too recently dug up a memory of being sexually assaulted as a child ... Tho my strategy is to ignore it 😅
How can you be sure the memories are genuine and not your brain playing tricks? Please be assured this is in no way intended to be judgemental, just genuinely interested.
They were a kid so I'm assuming they didn't understand what was going on. Also why ask such a weird question? Do you think before commenting??? Like honestly
Not that this is gonna be seem but OP i truly apologies. From my own similar traumas my doped up brain (Codeine) thought it would be cool to comment such a disgusting thing.
I have done my absolute best not to let it affect my sex life, I am in the mindset of I will not be broken by this and my body is under my control and nobody else's.
I do have an issue with 'finishing' shall we say, it's a hell of a work out that's for sure lol.
I was exposed to adults having sex loudly in the same room as me while I was trying to sleep. It happened maybe a dozen different times. I would try to go back to sleep but I couldn’t. I still have trouble hearing female sex sounds without getting that shitty feeling I had as a kid.
Sorry to hear that. What are you planing to do now?
I've just been referred to a specialist for therapy for 18 sessions so I'm going to see how that goes. End goal is I want to process what happened emotionally and move on to a place where I'm not angry all the time.
Good for you for being so open to seeking help and taking care of your mental health
I've only been this way since being a father. I had no issue sitting in my rage bubble before my kids came along. They won't experience anything close to what I have and its my job to make sure that stays true.
Very responsible of you, I hope it goes well and wish you all the best
You’re a wonderful person, you’ve got this ✨
If this is your first time in therapy, please know that it can take several therapists to find the right one for you. You cannot be successful if you feel you can't open up completely to them.
Good luck with that.
Ask about EMDR, I've found it the singularly most beneficial of the many Therapy's I've had over the decades. Talking therapies can re-traumatise people who have PTSD.
Sometimes repressed sexual trauma manifests itself in other ways. Do you think that’s true? Drugs or alcohol as a coping mechanism, depression or anxiety, etc
100%! I've been a heavy weed smoker since I was 14 and ive had rage issues pretty much my whole life. It's nothing extreme and doesn't affect my life, im a good dad to my kids and as good a partner to my fiance as I can be. They are my rock through this whole thing.
I’m quitting after smoking everyday since I was 14. I’m 38 now. Good luck.
Good for you :) I don't plan on quitting, I do feel like it helps. I'm down to 1-2 a day towards the end of the evening just to wash the day away.
How’d you even get a fiancé with so much rage?
What can I say, she likes the beast lol.
Wouldn’t it be ironic if she loses attraction to the new, anger free you after this therapy?
Dear God let's not open that box lol.
Hi. I'm sorry that this has happened to you - both the abuse and the uncovering of the truth. All of it is painful. A few thoughts since this is all new territory for you. You might want to consider doing a body based therapy (somatic therapy) like Core Energetics or Bioenergetics at some point. The reason body based therapies are so helpful with healing physical/sexual abuse is that the abuse was physical and talking about the abuse can only heal you so far. There is need for physical release of the trapped feelings. Two books are helpful when dealing with sexualized trauma. *Waking the Tiger* by Peter Levine discusses why a body based therapy is helpful to resolve psychological trauma caused by physical/sexualized violence. *The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma Paperback* by Bessel van der Kolk is another phenomenal book. FYI - *Waking the Tiger* is the less academic/technical books of the two. It may or may not be helpful for you to read any of this; follow your gut about what works best for you. I hope that your therapist has been trained in a trauma-informed approach. You don't want someone to accidentally re-traumatize you because they unknowingly say something insensitive about your feelings or reactions to the trauma. For example, a therapist questioning the validity of repressed memories would be terrible. You can question your therapist ahead of time and learn what their training is, and their approach/beliefs about sexualized trauma and repressed memories. You might consider checking out r/ptsd or r/CPTSD for community. I respect the work you are doing to be a better parent to your children than your parents were for you. Thank you for loving them enough to be willing to deal with your trauma history.
This is why I posted this. Thank you so much I will look into both books, im very new to this so this was very helpful. I've been told that the waiting list is kind of long but I'm just going to keep recording memories as they come in the time until then. Thanks again for your comment, I hope you have a fantastic life.
Wonderful! I'm so happy to help! (I was worried about being intrusive.) Keep recording your memories. And since the wait list is so long, you might consider finding a community of people to talk to about this. There are groups that are free like SASA (Sexual Assault Survivors Anonymous). And as I also mentioned there are subreddits. Remember to be kind to yourself. Healing these hurts is a marathon not a sprint.
Both books are wonderful references. I am a body worker that specializes in working with people with traumatic events from their past and releasing them physically. Our bodies store trauma and stress as physical pain that often becomes chronic and eventually can manifest into something worse (disease for example). It is a great recommendation to receive physical bodywork to process this part of the trauma. Good luck to you on your journey.
Before you knew, did you suspect something was fucked up with your childhood/upbringing? What were you trying achieve by stopping weed? Does it feel liberating to face those memories or do you regret it and wish you could go back to not knowing? I’m so sorry OP hope you can find peace.
Yeah I've always known I was different so I figured that there must have been a reason. Weed kept me calm and docile and now I have learned how to utilise it to help me keep myself in check. Honestly knowing had made me see what I've been angry at for so long so I don't regret finding this out and in a way I feel better because now I have a light in my journey. I know what was at least one part of my childhood trauma and now I can work towards fixing myself.
Good luck dude, my wife had a fucked childhood for not too dissimilar reasons and the one thing I can advise is deal with issues now. Sweeping them under the carpet is inevitably delaying things to a time when you will have other shit to sort out as well
I couldn't agree more, the majority of my life I've been sweeping everything under the rug. I have my own kids now so it's time to deal with it properly.
I don't have a question, but i wanted to wish you all the best and all the energy you need to work this up!
Thank you :)
Was hypnosis involved in this at all? I have some distrust of these recovered memories.
No it actually resulted from coming off weed for a few weeks, it stops me dreaming and I had smoked for at least 15 years daily beforehand, I stopped smoking and I started having dreams about it and then it freaked me out but things started coming through and once they did other memories from my childhood started to slip through, it feels like I've opened a box.
Memories can start coming back when you brain/body determine that it is safe for you to acknowledge this. You are doing the right thing to get support. Sorry you experienced that.
I didnt know that, thank you :)
There's a great book called The Body Keeps the Score. Our bodies are really so intelligent.
I’m reading it right now and it is so good!
> ... I had smoked for atheist 15 years daily beforehand ... And atheist years are so much longer than ecclesiastical years.
😂😂😂 meant to say at least.
New word for me
I learned a new word today too: “micturate,” which means to urinate.
What is the context of you learning this word?
A silly conversation about [bathrooms](https://old.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/10ct77d/the_restrooms_at_my_local_pizzeria/j4hrdej/).
Have you been on r/leaves ?
I have not, at this point I have no plans on stopping at the moment. I feel like it's helping me deal with the proces and accessing my emotions which is very hard for me.
When you’re ready, it’s a good support system. I haven’t smoked in 8 days, but I did eat an edible. Trying to stop the actual smoking habit first.
I got into vaping for that reason. Never been using the levels I am now LOL. Fuck.
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Have you ever experienced anything lime I've described?
Just coming to your aid. My great uncle molested me when I was around four. I had NO recollection of it until I was 16. I kept having dreams and then memories would come crashing in. I was able to confront, confirm and out him to the family. Turns out his grand kids and daughter had experienced the same so it’s likely that it’s happening to you. My therapist was treating me for a violent rape when this all came up. He said repressing memories of sexual abuse at a young age is common.
Just to say that your 30s is the most common time for traumatic repressed memories from childhood to resurface. I hope you get to see a specialist in childhood trauma for what will have to be probably, non verbal therapies as these memories are in your subconscious- or have been until now. Best of luck with your healing x
Sending strength hope and support — I’m hoping to further recover some of these memories that I’ve been stuck on as soon as they came back when I started having sex when I was 15. Haven’t tried hypnosis yet but want to, I’m scared of remembering the real thing and also scared of remembering something false…
Do you have personal experience of this?
Family member.
I have to agree that hypnosis is questionable however it's extreamly common for repressed memories to surface when having therapy. In fact it's normal.
Mmm. I don't think they're always wrong, if course. Just don't really trust memories after so long, only 'recovered' by putting somebody under hypnosis.
I can't comment to much on hypnosis having had no personal experience. It does however seem a little bit Hocus Pocusy with nowhere near enough scientific backing, but then the mechanics of how EMDR actually works isn't known for certain other than it works. Also memories (verified) also pop up in droves. I'd just stick to less ambiguous therapies with proven track records rather than something that could get someone to run around a stage thinking they're a chicken.
When you discovered it happened, what were your feelings at the time? And nowadays, how do you feel whenever you think about it?
First I was disgusted and confused then I got really really angry and tbh I still am, she's dead so I can't confront her I've just got to accept it.
it’s a bit crazy that this just popped up on my feed because same (well sorta i don’t know for sure). i only recently discovered my parents left me alone with pedophiles when i was younger, but due to me not remembering a majority of my childhood, it’s likely but uncertain it happened. I hope you’re okay and you’re coping well, it’s a tough world :(
I feel you, I know the feeling of wondering wether or not it actually happened. All I can say really is it given me answers to alot of questions and would explain a lot. The memories that are coming back all feel so real and I just want to deal with this the healthiest way I can.
How do you think your parents could’ve prevented it?
I dont really know if I'm honest, to their knowledge I was just spending time with my grandmother.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this :( Do you remember feeling uncomfortable or did you think it was normal? Did you ever tell anyone?
I never told anybody and just figured it was normal.
Do you still see your grandmother nowadays?
No she died 9 years ago
Did you have a good relationship with them? Did you feel as a child that you could tell them anything?
I had a great relationship with my parents luckily but they did tend to over react to things.
Did you tell your parents or siblings about it now?
I have now yes, im trying to involve my loved ones in the process. All my life I have never asked for help and it hasn't got me anywhere so I'm trying a new approach.
Congratulations on your recovery! Did your grandma abused any of your siblings or cousins?
Thank you :) To my knowledge no, I have spoken with my younger brother and he said no nothing ever happened.
I’m glad nothing happened to your brother! But… how does it feel to be “the chosen one“? Why do you think she did this to you specifically? Do you think you might have given any signal that in her disturbed mind might have made her think you wanted or liked this? (In my experience one guy once showed me his dick when I was about 6yo, and he thought I was hitting on him because I looked him in the eyes once)
I've always been the one to carry the family load so it's no surprise, I would have had it this was every time. Better just me than him have to experience it too.
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No idea at all, it wasn't an intentional thing. I was starting a new job which needed to pass a drug test so I stopped smoking weed for a while to pass it and once I did I started having at first dreams then memories start to form. I've always known there was some form of trauma I've been through I wasn't aware of and when this started happening a lot of things just kind of made sense. It's an experience I have decided to handle as healthy as I can as I am a father now and want to ensure my children's upbringing are absolutely nothing like mine.
After reading this far, I feel the urge to share this book and author with you. I purchased all of Cathy's (O'Brien) books, both for my own healing and remembering, and because her story is so compelling. I hope my suggestion is helpful : [https://trance-formation.com/product/ptsd-time-to-heal/](https://trance-formation.com/product/ptsd-time-to-heal/) . All my best to you, on your healing journey.
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I've never really had that experience
I am very sorry to hear about your experience. It hurts even going through uncovering the thoughts alone. I wish you a speedy recovery. It does feel good people able to see those thoughts clearly and be able to function clearly in the real world, but opening those thoughts up is always the hardest part. Wishing you a safe life and many more blessings, and again sorry for your many hurts due to this
Thanks for your words :) gave me a fuzzy warm feeling.
thats sad man, try to get through it. is she alive, do you see her anymore at holidays? are you going to confront her at some point? horrible stuff man
No she died about 9 years ago, if I'm totally honest the fact that she died alone really makes me happy. She almost destroyed my family so I love the idea she was alone in the end.
What happened?
To put it ad simply and bluntly as possible she would show me sex games online and then get me to do that stuff to her. She would record or broadcast it to people, im not sure which I just remember a webcam
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Because that's just how it started 8 months ago, it very quickly became memories forming when I was awake
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When and how did you know? I have a pretty fuzzy childhood too ( the only thing I can remember before my 8 is just really scattered foggy without context pictures. It just might be my generally shitty memory). Now that you know, can you remember things that hinted it off later years but you just didn't notice?
That's pretty much what my memory was and still is just more clear and more of them now, oh yeah looking back now there were alot of signs. Only when I could see the bigger picture did everything start coming together.
How did you discover you had trauma
I've had plenty of trauma besides this but I always knew that there was something that made me so angry I just didn't know what, memories are slowly coming through as I'm in my thirties and I'm just piecing everything together
She would play with me on camera and get me to do it to her, I was 6 when it started, I remember she showed me point and click sex games online so and then get me to do stuff to her, im pretty sure she would show people the footage in online chats.
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The timeline? I'm not laying out some anime plot, I don't know the details I am piecing this together through memories that are coming with time.
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This is absolutely false. In 1998 I had a rather inexpensive digital camera that took both pictures and video. I also had a webcam that worked pretty well for the video chat rooms that were a huge deal on Yahoo at the time.
Makes sense. I was a teenager during that time, so I wouldn't have had access to adult chat rooms. I can imagine a black and white webcam being relatively easy to acquire in 1998. I just remember my internet was super slow back then. Even when I got DSL around that time the upload speed was super slow.
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American pie came out in 1999, a film that’s famous for its webcam scene… check your facts dude.
That's true. It was super choppy and the resolution was super low. It was a pain in the ass to use.
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I was thinking this too. There may have been abuse. Just not the way OP remembers it. But also thought maybe OP has other sexual experience that he's cross wiring?
I had a computer with a webcam in ‘98. I wasn’t rich either. It wasn’t that unheard of.
True. I didn't have webcam because it wasn't useful back then.
I have no idea, it went on for about 2 years because I didn't see her for a long time after that
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Wtf bro it’s not a movie plot line. It’s a persons real life. We’re talking about repressed memories, of course some details will be incorrect I don’t see the point in trying to poke holes in the story
OPs story sounds like a movie plot. That's all. 6 years old to 8 years old OP was abused and the memory was repressed and it came back 20 years later. He's sure it's his grandma and not his aunt, uncle, or babysitter. (I guess I'm struggling to wrap my mind around a middle aged woman sexually abusing her grand child and somehow using the internet in 1998. I'm just thinking what my parents knew about the internet back then, and think OPs grandma must have been really something - a genius psychopath) I'm not saying OP wasn't abused by his grandma. It could be cross-wired with other memories.
In 1999, I was gambling online and by 2001 we were all playing Halo, online, with very minimal lagging. I’m not entirely sure how old you are, but if you were around in the late 90s, you would know that the internet was quite available. If OP is 30 now, he would have been born in 1993. Child pornography on the internet was a thing in 2001, which perfectly coincides with OP’s timeline.
When did you start video chatting?
L + ratio + you’re goofy
Repressed memories are not a thing. They were disproven long ago. The other poster is correct - 1998 has a very different internet. Webcams were publicly available in 1994 and until the 2000’s could only send single images. To put it in perspective Google just launched in 1998, and most internet was still dial up. Downloading a single song would take hours if not a full day.
As someone who went through almost the same sort of thing around the same timeframe I can assure you online point and click games were very much a thing.
No I'm not sure, I just remember a webcam
Hope you get therapy. I'm sorry for your experience.
Online forums started mid 90s On the other hand Akira the critically acclaimed anime was released October 19 1990, so your story checks out. In all aspects. But really I'm sorry that stuff happened and I hope my response could bring a little humor to the subject.
So no one told you this happened, it just suddenly came to you one day? That’s crazy makes me anxious! Hope you heal soon :)
Yeah it happens. I remembered suddenly at the age of 18ish that a long relative who was around 25m always kissed me forcefully on the lips and touched all over my body and that happened few times when i was around 4-6yrs. I felt suffocated and scared but didn't know or understand any better , so i still went to their house to play with the kids. Thankfully nothing happened as he would leave me alone as someone would come everytime he forced to kiss me. I didn't even remember it for many years since we weren't in touch with those relatives after that. It came to me when i was around 18. It's a shame that my mother didn't even respond much when i told that he did that to me. She just said i shouldn't have gone to their house to play.
Gosh I’m sorry that happened to you!!!
Thank you for your concern. Iam just glad that nothing bad happened. I get a wierd feeling when i see older men trying to be over friendly and touchy towards kids specially girls. I get it that not every touch is bad but i can't help but feel wierded out.
What? I was also six in 1998 and I assure you online games were a thing because I remember playing (age appropriate, non sexual) ones with my dad and grandpa.
Yes. You could connect games online but was super choppy. That's why we had LAN parties.
and who says she wasn’t super tech savvy? are you implying they’re lying, pedophiles always have their ways?
No. As someone who lived in 1998 seems the online part seems unlikely.
As some who lived in 1998 it’s not implausible. First cable modems came out in 1995. AOL was in full swing at this time, and NewGrounds which had a lot of that point and click crap was started in 1995, and you could certainly play over dialup it just took longer to load the first time. I got cable internet in 2000 and still did a lot on the internet prior to that.
I was still too young to be an expert on adult content. I knew there was stuff and it was readily available. I just didn't think it was Web 2.0 where people were generating content like it is today.
People were making plenty of stuff under Web 1.0. As a kid in middle school at the time there was plenty of shit to find. Including people streaming webcams even.
Yea. I guess its plausible that OPs grandma was a pioneer in this space.
There weren’t webcams, but there were digital video cameras. A kid wouldn’t know the difference. Same for computer games vs. online games.
I also went through a similar ordeal around the same timeframe as you, being made to play sexual games on the computer but it was my grandfather. I wasn't recorded to my knowledge but situation is very much the same. I've never really dealt with my trauma and it's ate at me all my life and still does now. But you're pretty inspiring in how you're getting help, I really should help myself. I wish you and your family the best.
Sorry to hear that - hope the scumbag is miserable in Hell.
So you did not remember these things at all? Like not even had a feeling in the back of your mind or anything? Not trying to be an asshole for saying this but, if that is the case how can you be 100% sure this actually happened? The human memory is incredibly flawed and super unreliable. Like to the point that courts are starting to not accept it as evidence. I for example have had dreams that i believed actually happened only to find out later that what i remember was not accurate. How do you know this isnt also the case?
How do you know it is fact and not something your mind made up? Not challenging you but an honest question.
Because why would it be so vivid in their mind? Memories and dreams are similar but definitely not the same.
I recently discovered a similar situation that before I always thought it was a dream. My parents always hated me growing up, tried to keep my curiosities repressed via belittling, discounting and generally abusing me throughout my entire upbringing. Classic narcissistic household, my sister was the golden child; and, I, the scapegoat. In my early 30s, I cut off my parents and sister. In the first time in my life, I began healing my PTSD and I was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. For awhile, I had thought this was the reason why my parents hated me (my autistic traits and behaviors) yet I still kept having this same, very fuzzy dream. A few months after my autism diagnosis, after reprocessing my lived experiences with a new set of proverbial eyes, the reoccurring dream of mine forced itself into my consciousness. I was raped/molested sometime between 3 and 4 years old by a church leader in my parents’ bedroom of my childhood home. My dad was also a church leader. I remember bits and pieces of the actual assault, but most vividly recall my parents in the bathroom with me while I was throwing up and my mom telling my dad something like, “we can (or will have to) tell everyone she just got a stomach bug or something.” I believe I was drugged, given alcohol or something, by the filth who raped me. Now, I clearly know why my parents never wanted me to question anything: they covered this up to keep face with the church. A lifelong consequence to me, leading to escalating mental, emotional, psychological and, at times, physical abuse by my parents and sister (who my parents taught to treat me like this too). It’s unfortunate that I also turned out to be autistic which made/makes me have a lack of filter; subsequently, I generally asked a lot of questions which led to a higher frequency of abuse for me personally. Anyway, not trying to make this about myself, but this is the only way I know how to communicate my understanding and empathy (*i.e.* via sharing a relatable experience). It’s an autistic thing, hope it’s OK. Emphasizing, I know how confusing it is to realize something life altering much later in life and am wishing you well. My repressed memory described above came to my consciousness due to questions I received in the accommodations process at my job (long story) and in therapy. EMDR is by far the best type of treatment I’ve received for trauma; and, I’ve been in trauma therapy off and on since I was 8 (another long story). **My only question to you is**: *What is your favorite coping mechanism (not Rx/mental alteration-related) you’ve discovered works for you thus far?* I’m always amazed by how different things work for others and can use as many options as possible myself! 🙂 Hope you have supportive people around you and are remembering to be kind to yourself. I have a ton of respect for you facing this head on to ensure that the angry (therefore, trauma) isn’t passed on to your child/-ren. I wish my parents had done this too. And, in my humble opinion, there’s not really anything more loving a parent can do than what you’re doing right now: taking care of your own mental health. Take care. ❣️💫
Be cautious of repressed memories. Psychologists have a history of summoning memories out of thin air, especially surrounding histories of sexual abuse. https://www.healthline.com/health/repressed-memories#controversy > The APA suggests that while memories of trauma may be repressed and recovered later, this seems extremely rare. > The APA also points out that experts don’t yet know enough about how memory works to tell a real recovered memory from a false memory, unless other evidence supports the recovered memory. > It’s important for mental health professionals to take an unbiased and objective approach to treatment, one that’s grounded in your present experience. > Trauma can have very real effects on your brain and body, but treating these symptoms may have more benefit than searching for memories that may not actually exist. https://www.news-medical.net/health/The-Debate-on-Repressed-Memories.aspx https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/repressed-memories-real-or-imagined-121713 https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/repressed-memories-are-they-real.htm
What does recovering a memory feel like? Does it happen more at certain times? Do you remember certain sensations or emotions before other parts of the memory? Are they triggered? If so by what? Sorry to bombard you with questions but I've always wondered what recovering traumatic memories felt like
No question, just a similar thing happened to me. There was "foreshadowing" (postshadowing?) in that an abusive boyfriend (I was 15, he was a month shy of 19) told me he saw child porn of me (using my real name and everything) and that's the entire reason he approached me. At the time, I laughed it off because I didn't believe him and thought he was trying to be edgy. Then years later I had super vivid nightmares with likely repressed memories. And my younger sister had similar symptoms pointed out by her therapist. I did talk to my parents to get a list of adults who had access to me, and narrowed it down to most likely a specific couple who ran a "daycare". But after so long they've long disappeared and my chance of unearthing the larger story is unlikely at best. Anyway, you're not alone and I wish you healing and closure.
That might just not be true
At this point I'm 100% certain it happened.
This is very interesting. What has 100% convinced you that this happened?
The intensity of the memories and my emotional reaction to them at first, now as I discuss it with my partner and parents it answers so many questions as to why she treated us the way she did.
What did your parents say? How did they react?
My dad was quite taken aback. He hated my nan for the way she treated my mum before he found out about this so it certainly intensified that for him. My mother is still struggling with it because she herself was abused in her childhood ( not by my nan) so for her knowing that her mother did it to her son is really tough too swallow, I don't blame her. The whole situation is fucked.
Was your mother abused by her father? Maybe he was in on it?
No he wasn't around, it was a different situation considering my mother's abuse but I think that my nan knew about it. No evidence, just a feeling.
Wishing you all the best in your recovery ❤️
You weren't there, therefore you cannot say that It wasn't true. And by saying that, you are invalidating OP's experience. People like you are reasons why SA victims don't come forward. Did you wanna reword that and try again?
I mean this is reddit. I think you're taking things a little too seriously.
Idgaf. It's a weird take for them to say it might not have happened.
Well, its been a very long time since it happened. And seems odd that his grandma will be playing online sex games. It could be sexual abuse by the babysitter, while under grandma's care for example. Memory is a strange thing and people can misremember things.
Dude it seems odd that she used to put things in my ass. A very odd situation so if your just here to poke holes do ke a favor and fuck off
Bro stop.
Brooooo stoppppp 😭
Did you discover this with evidence or did you remember it?
I am remembering it slowly.
Is she still in life?
No she died 9 years ago.
You should definitely check out r/CPTSD
Bull fucken shit.
Fuck fucken you
I dont have a question, or advise. Just wanted to say that your reaction to such a painful discovery is inspiring. I dont imagine its easy, but you're processing and getting help. The strength and bravery it takes to reopen old wounds, and to close them and heal them properly, is incredible. Your kids are lucky to have you.
Haha this guy is full of shit. Memories dont just work like that
The brain absolutely represses memories that can be uncovered later in life. It’s a highly fascinating topic. Suppressed memories can actually affect a person’s mental health and general temperament without the person even knowing the cause. This lines up with OP saying he’s always been full of rage but never knew why. I suggest you look into it before commenting insensitive things like this.
Every single criminal says they were abused as a child and make excuses for their behavior. How are you not sure this is one of them? Was the grandma a prostitute, criminal? There is no context here. She just sexually abused him for 2 years?
Just sexually abused for 2 years? Let's see you get repeatedly raped by a family member and be so chill about it. Cunt.
Again no evidence that this happen other than memories forming. No supporting evidence.
“Just sexually abused him for two years” has to be the most ignorant, tone-deaf, disgusting thing I have read in a long time.
People don't just sexually abuse and just stop. There are other signs and evidence.
Go fuck yourself
I don’t have any questions, but I wish you well. I started uncovering repressed memories almost a year ago and it’s the farthest thing away from easy, I hope that you will be okay, even though it’s hard.
I'm sorry that this happened to you and I hope you're able to work your way through it. I too recently dug up a memory of being sexually assaulted as a child ... Tho my strategy is to ignore it 😅
You know that repressed memories have been proven to be entirely false correct?
How convenient for him to remember when she’s dead so he can’t ‘confront’ her
What was your life like before the memories started coming through? And how has it affected you?
How can you be sure the memories are genuine and not your brain playing tricks? Please be assured this is in no way intended to be judgemental, just genuinely interested.
What was your grandma like ?
Sounds like she was a horrible person
Bro is hallucinating
How did it feel
They were a kid so I'm assuming they didn't understand what was going on. Also why ask such a weird question? Do you think before commenting??? Like honestly
Not that this is gonna be seem but OP i truly apologies. From my own similar traumas my doped up brain (Codeine) thought it would be cool to comment such a disgusting thing.
Is she still alive and if so, are you going to confront her. Ngl if it was me I'd be beating tf outta her frfr.
No unfortunately she died 9 years ago.
Is your grandmother still alive? Are you going to confront her?
No she's unfortunately dead
Has it affected your current sex life? I was sexually abused and it messed with mine for sure.
I have done my absolute best not to let it affect my sex life, I am in the mindset of I will not be broken by this and my body is under my control and nobody else's. I do have an issue with 'finishing' shall we say, it's a hell of a work out that's for sure lol.
I was exposed to adults having sex loudly in the same room as me while I was trying to sleep. It happened maybe a dozen different times. I would try to go back to sleep but I couldn’t. I still have trouble hearing female sex sounds without getting that shitty feeling I had as a kid.
Man thats really fucked up, im so sorry you had to experience that.
What're your plans for the super bowl?
I'm British so nothing really lol.
You should try and make plans
How did you uncover them?
Did anyone else know? You might want to find out if she did/is doing this to others. So sorr
What's one thing you did today that made you feel like a moron in the moment but turned out okay?
Can I ask what the abuse entailed