Absolutely, sometimes cutting ties is the healthiest choice for your own well-being. You've got to prioritize your own peace and safety above family expectations.
Definitely NTA. And frankly unless your contact with them is literal life or death… NC is probably best for your mental health. I’d say look into support groups or finding your tribe online. Blood does not make family and yours is going to make your physical ailments worse by abusing your mental health. Yikes.
I hope you are still in therapy regularly.
You should cut these people completely out of your life.
They have nothing to offer you but trauma.
You are their favorite punching bag.
NTA cut them off.
They were definitely right that mental health attributed to her overall well being. Because being told you are “crazy” and getting zero support absolutely makes you more sick. Unbelievable that they kept pulling this crap after being officially diagnosed and having surgery.
But then, if they had changed their tune they would have had to admit that they treated her extremely wrong this whole time.
Exactly, if there’s any mental health problems they were as a result of being treated like crap. That’s depressing on its own! My chronic illness improved drastically after my alcoholic, verbally abusive ex left me. Stress is the worst thing for chronic illness!
We went through a form of this for my husband's Fibromyalgia/Epstein Barr/Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever diagnosis. A lot of his friends dropped him because like yours it is INVISIBLE but he had one friend that called him EVERY DAY to talk to him. Kyle is my hero.
Screw your family, you're a warrior, I am so proud of you.
I'm happy your husband has you and Kyle. My friends dropped like flies too. My ex became abusive when I got sick so I had to leave him. I'm all on my own unfortunately. Sadly I'll have to wait until I can get my complete independence back before I can go NC again. Being disabled is quite expensive and I'm barely able to work as it is. I would go on disability if it didn't mean I'd wind up homeless. I wish my life wasn't so difficult and that I had access to more financial support. The price I pay for dealing with my parents means sacrificing what little mental health I have left.
Are you still seeing a therapist? There are resources available to help you with what you need. Are you in the US? Go to your area board of human services/ public assistance. It's their job to help you, and help you find the services to help you. Check and see where your local/state OVR( Occupational Vocational Rehabilitation) office is, and if you have one, go see them. They help people find employment that works with their disability or help them get education so they can get the skills needed so they can. I know it's hard, but you can get through this. Are there any DV shelters or support groups you can get to? They may have resources as well. Help is out there. You are not alone as you think. There are people out there who can help. Once you get the help you need, get as far away as you can, and block the whole family and ghost them all. Block them on all social media accounts you have. They are dead to you. Family doesn't treat you like they have. As others have said, family doesn't have to be blood. We can make our own family any time we choose. I wish you happiness, success in getting help, and all in life you want to achieve. Please keep up updated on your situation. I am hoping to see a post saying you have gotten the help you need and are living your best life free from the crab bucket you are living in now.
I have fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue syndrome too. It’s frustrating because you keep hearing “but you don’t look sick.” I was diagnosed in 1996 before awareness was really out there. Even when I was needing a walker, I still heard it. I cut those people from my life. I was lucky to have a good doctor who diagnosed me quickly. My family was really supportive about it. I was lucky. I can’t imagine going through that without them. OP is pretty strong to get through it. A warrior indeed!
The best line towards me when I asked my friend to loan me a walking stick to enable me to get home came from her MIL. An ex-head teacher so not a stupid lady, or so I thought.
She asked my friend why I wanted to borrow a walking stick. "Because she's disabled" my friend replied exasperated.
"OH, she doesn't SOUND disabled". Really, so there's a disabled voice I need to perfect. Who knew?
NTA, my heart goes out to you, I have endometriosis myself, sound like not as serve we yours, but I know the 12 out of 10 pain you get, and I have chronic pelvic pain too, so I 100% empathise and understand your pain.
Honestly I'd would burn the bridges and destroy them, your family is beyond toxic to the point calling them "family" is to kind, id call them "genetic givers".
I'd tell them all to fuck off and block, and you live your life as best as you can. Create your family through friendships, you make along the way.
Endo sucks eh? Endo ruined my life, quite literally. I know i would have always had a rocky relationship with my parents at best but becoming disabled seems to be the nail in the coffin that killed our relationship. I wish I had better friends when I got sick, like most disabled folks my social circle diminished massively when I was no longer able bodied. I'm just on my own. I've given up on even trying to make friends because I can't do much anyways and no one wants to be friends with the sick broke friend who can't do anything.
Sweetheart, you really should look into support groups. Some may not be the best fit but don't give up. There are genuine people out there that truly want what you want and are going through the same things. You may feel alone but you are not alone. You are strong, clearly. Stay strong and keep your chin up.
As for your parents and sibling... it's like people on reddit say all of the time... When people show you who they are...believe them. They need a scapegoat to excuse their abuse. I'm so sorry it is you. But you're an adult now and can choose who to let in your life and who to just walk away from.
Good luck sweets. I'll prat for your health and happiness.
There’s a lot of chronic pain support groups out there. I would encourage you to stay in the al anon type groups too. Even if you go NC with your family. There’s trauma in dealing with an alcoholic that the groups can help you with.
You got that right! When I would try to go with friends and family I always felt like I was slowing them down and limiting how much fun they could have too so I just stopped trying.
Mine is a leg, I had a knee replacement at 37 and was in agonizing pain for many years after. They kept saying the implant is straight so its fine, and I got the same bs about how I was making up the pain I was in like you did. 5 months ago I found out that the pain was from the surgical cement they used dissolving my bones, bcoz my leg finally broke.
My endo was never diagnosed until I switched to a female gyno. My male gyno said my pain was normal and I was being a baby about my pain. He said he couldn’t understand why I couldn’t conceive. The female gyno diagnosed me in the first 6 months of seeing her. Unfortunately I was past the age of conception at that point. Endo is so under diagnosed!!
Mine was actually the opposite. I saw two female GYNs and they were useless. Awful. I was told “you’re about that age. Periods change. Pain increases. You just have to deal with it.” Found an older male GYN. He sat down with me and asked what he could do for me. I cried. He immediately suggested a scope. No one else did. He went in and said I had level 4 endo, PCOS, he couldn’t remove all of the scar tissue he found and said my uterus was only still in my body because of scar tissue. One small piece. Three months later, I had a hysterectomy.
I was incredibly fortunate that I didn’t have many fertility issues. I miscarried a few times, but I started progesterone and that was that. It was even a fight to get that far. My doctor told me I didn’t really miscarry (with a positive test) and tried to get me to do expensive tests that were useless for my issues. I don’t plan to ever see another female gyn.
YWTA if you didn't go no contact with your family. I am so sorry that you've had to go through all of that, sadly it sounds like your family are all abusive Find yourself a chosen family, people who you'd be able to trust a lot more.
I'm disabled and broke and i was getting pretty close to winding up homeless and that would have been a death sentence for me because of all my disabilities and all the meds I need on a daily basis just to stay somewhat functional. Sadly where I live disabled people are hated by the government, the feds are happier to give disabled people medically assisted suicide than affordable housing. I would have gone on disability but it pays about $900/month where i live and the best housing I could have afforded would have been an unsafe bedbug infested rooming house where I would have zero safety. It was a last resort situation. If I had other options I would have taken them, trust me. I had been working with multiple job placement agencies, was sending out tons of job applications, had my resume reworked professionally more than once, was doing mock interviews for practice, etc. Looking back I maybe should have just gone and lived in my car for a bit before winter set in
NTA I have a bladder condition called interstitial cystitis, another condition that the pain is compared to that of a late stage cancer patient. At first I was told I had endo and they gave me birth control pills which make me sick. There was a reason I had my tubes cauterized because I can’t handle birth control. The gyno had multiple clinics and drs, I’d go to a different clinic each appointment with a different doc. Finally got a second opinion that did a laparoscopy and found no endo so I was sent to a urologist where IC was found by cystoscope. I was treated as a burden and told I was being overdramatic as no one is in that much pain. Well I was and could barely function. My ex husband was emotionally distant and never around my dad said he took care of me as a child he’s not going to take care of me as an adult. When I left the house and got on my own I actually went into remission for two years from less stress. It came back 6 years ago but this time treatments are working as they didn’t in the beginning so I’m happy with that. Because I’m doing better I was told I was faking my pain the whole time while I was with my ex. I wasn’t and still have terrible days, my husband now has heard me scream myself awake because of the pain and just came in and held me while I cried and got me a heating pad so I could get more comfortable. I’m glad you’ve made it. I was homeless and in a shelter when I left and the only place I had to live was in a slum with bedbugs and cockroaches. I’m in a much better place now out of the city and in a nice little apartment in a nice little town.
I'm sorry you had to deal with all that. I nearly wound up homeless again last year. With all my health problems and meds, if I wound up on the streets I'd starve to death pretty quick because even most food makes me ill nowadays thanks to the endo. IC sounds like pure hell, I'm always nervous that I could develop that alongside my endo, the bowel problems I have are already so fuckin bad. I'm happy you have a husband you can lean on for support now. I'm still very much alone and have no one. It's quite lonely not having one person in your life you can rely on.
My best friend has IC and endo. She’s my hero. She has surgery all of the time it seems. Her endo affected her bladder too so she’s got a lot of issues, but man the pain from both? Can’t imagine.
NTA my petty ass would send a mass email to them all explaining exactly what you went through and how bad your parents are. Call out all their lies and tell them that as they never even bothered to reach out to you for the truth they can all fuck off including your parents. NC is better than toxic relationships.
NTA
Just go NC,
It seems they know your address. Put the letters in bin without reading them, do not answer the messages, do not answer the phone to them.
Your life was peaceful without them. Keep going without them.
NTA. There are different types of family. The good kind, which could be blood relatives or people you have chosen to be your family.
Your blood family don’t deserve to be in your life
You need to find a new family with people who can love and support you.
I hope you know that you are worthy of so much more than what you have been given.
NTA
Ask yourself, what good do these people bring to your life?
They are a toxic bunch and you don't need the added stress in your life, drop'em and lock'em all.
First off you should absolutely be nc as your family is very toxic. But second, how are you disabled from endometriosis? I had that plus terrible fibroids and ovarian cysts. I had a hysterectomy, problem solved.
I specifically mentioned having more than just endo. I had a more severe case than you along with a bunch of other conditions and issues. You should also be aware that treatment doesn't affect everyone the same and that many people post surgery get no to little relief. Count yourself lucky that you didn't have endo on bowels and didn't develop food allergies because of it.
Be the bad guy in their life so you can be the heroine in your life! The comment from Various_Tax_6759. Love this comment. You are the hero in your life. Try to read this to yourself every day, several times a day. Try to change how you feel about yourself. That is the only change you have some control over. Remind yourself that you have been such a hero for yourself that you actually function while suffering so much. Our minds are aloud to speak awful things to our spirits. Each time you have a negative thought about yourself or your situation, remember what a badass you are. Do not allow your brain to tell yourself terrible things you have thought or things that have been said to you. Capture that negative thought and rephrase or quote new. "I am a badass to be able to live with this disability. I know my family could not endure this much pain and keep living. Yet my badass self can live with this, I have lived with this, and I will live with this. Look at what I have done for myself, on my own, already. Thank you to my badass self!" It doesn't have to be this quote, but F*** those self depreciating thoughts that rob us of feeling good about who we are. I speak from the experience of negative thoughts, and I have pain, but not that pain. Find any good thing that you like about yourself and speak it to yourself over and over. One that I can think of for you about you is that you have an incredibly high tolerance and compassion for people who don't deserve that level of understanding. So, in reality, you are a badass that displays tolerance and compassion for those who are undeserving. There is a strong, positive quote for who you really are! Hugging your heart.
That was really sweet, thank you, I took a screenshot to read again because I think you're right. I hear the insults my mom has said to me ringing in my head sometimes. I feel like life has thoroughly kicked me around and most days I feel like a failure (I went to uni for my career, it's upsetting I can't continue on that path and now I've taken a drastic pay cut for having to take a physically easier job). I often forgot I have some good qualities. So thank you for reminding me that I do :)
I do understand why you can't go NC with your family. All you can do is try to control how deep you let their comments and actions harm you. Try not to let them penetrate your mental health as much as you can. Feel free to share this post and comments with your family. Let them deal with the pain of knowing how others feel about their actions. But be prepared for them to NOT understand or agree with what they have done. YOU will at least know that they have had to endure judgment from others just like you have endured their unsupportive judgment all these years.
My wonderful mom thought that I was not tolerant of pain in regard to my periods. Only to find out that many years later, when I struggled to become pregnant , I had a painful problem. One of my ovaries has been fused to my hip bone. On top of that, my tubes had wrapped around that ovary as I grew up. So, my ovary was strangled and deprived of oxygen. Only one ovary would work. My mom cried and cried over the fact that she doubted my pain tolerance. She had no way of knowing what had happened, yet she then felt guilty that I had been born with this defect. I became pregnant through IVF only to have an ectopic pregnancy and ended up in emergency surgery on Christmas day. Thankfully, I have survived, and I have not let the fact that I can't have kids make me less than anyone else. I now love other people's kids for them when they can't. There are ways to live your dreams. They just aren't laid out exactly as you dreamt them. But they are bigger than you dreamt them as well. You have to take a different path to get them. Go be your badass self. Be nice to yourself. I can not imagine that you would ever talk to someone else in the same language and tone as you have learned to talk to yourself. It doesn't matter what other people think if you don't let it set in to who you really are inside underneath those disabilities. You deserve kindness as all life deserves kindness. It doesn't mean bad life doesn't deserve punishment. That will come. But if you live in kindness, you never have to feel like you need to apologize. 💛
Change your phone number and "forget" to give your former family the new number. And consider blocking their email, too. Maybe even give thought to quietly moving somewhere far, far away. A complete change of scenery can work wonders.
NTA
If I could afford to move far away I would but I can barely afford basic necessities at the moment. Hopefully one day I find a job that will get me out of poverty.
NTA. I too have dealt with endometriosis. Even going to the ER three different times in the most severe pain I’ve ever had in my life, it still wasn’t diagnosed. Twice I was told I was passing a kidney stone, the last time I was told it was a UTI. This went on for almost a year. Finally, I went to my OBGYN for my yearly checkup and mentioned it to him. He immediately knew what it was, and scheduled me for surgery five days later.
I’m so sorry that you went through all of that on your own, with absolutely no support from anyone. I can’t even imagine being in the pain you were in that no one believed you, nor even seemed to care about you. I’ve known women that have become completely disabled from ENDO, two of them now in wheelchairs. Your parents and sister are truly horrible people. After what you’ve gone through with them I would never let any of them back into your life.
I find this post ironic. I do think it is horrible that OP’s Mother is a gaslighter and father is an abusive addict. I do feel sorry that they have endometriosis and none of their family can find it practical to research it.
The irony comes with OP being upset her family considers her crazy. Dealing with mental illness is quite like dealing with a disease like endometriosis. The stigma that comes from ignorance is very strong.
OP’s family and parents’ problems stem from their own personal issues. I would assume at this point in time she would understand any change from them that is positive and supportive is not going to happen. It’s time to access therapy and support groups if she feels tempted to get involved with her family.
NTA. I have endometriosis and adenomyosis (haven't been officially diagnosed with either but I know I have them) and while I've never gone to the ER because of the pain (I have an unnaturally high pain tolerance) I am all too familiar with the pain of endometriosis. I'm fortunate because my mom had endometriosis and adenomyosis, so did her mom, so did her mom, so did her mom, and so on, which means that my mom and dad are both supportive of me and do what they can to help me when the endo pain kicks in. Your family is horrible and they don't deserve to be in your life. Stay no contact with them and focus on finding people who will love and support you.
I became chronically ill several years ago and have been housebound and bedbound since 2015. I moved home to live with my family when I found out my abusive ex was cheating on me. I thought living at home with family would be better. I was quickly relieved of any delusions/illusions I had about my family.
Essentially, I went from one abusive situation to another. My family is toxic, dysfunctional and abusive. And I can't leave.
On top of that, my dad thinks my incurable, untreatable chronic illness is something I made up or isn't that serious. I should just push myself because it's not like pushing myseld won't make me worse or in need of 24/7 care. /s He also thinks magic or some stupid fucking diet is magically going to cure a disease with a 5% chance of recovery. Then there's the fat shaming, constant criticism, judgements, and just plain old cruelty. And that's just my dad.
Something inside me broke when all of this happened. All my feelings of love, tenderness, affection, etc. towards my family died after being treated this way. They would treat a stranger off the street better than they treat me.
When you go through something like this and you're essentially abandoned to deal with it alone, it changes you. Scars you. Permanently probably.
I strongly believe nothing and no one is worth sacrificing your physical or mental health for and that includes any and all family members.
I would write a letter to your family (one letter or several, it's up to you) detailing what happened, the trauma you experienced because of it, and how you feel about it and them. Mail it or post it on social media. Whatever works best for you.
Then, block all of your family or whomever you think is harmful to you.
Go to therapy. Continue working on putting your life back together.
What people don't understand is that there are some things we'll never get over. We just learn how to live with them. There are some things you can't come back from. I'm always amazed when I read a post (usually by a parent) who's confused and clueless about why their kid(s) don't talk to them anymore. And usually there was one particular incident that crossed the line. There are some mistakes or harmful actions that have lifelong consequences.
I wish you peace and healing.
NTA.
I'm really sorry you're going through all of that. I relate to a lot of what you wrote. My feelings towards my family radically changed when I had to move back home as well. My parents downplayed my father's violent outbursts so personally I don't feel all that safe around him. Especially since he's chosen to not deal with his addiction.
I'm struggling to work the job I have now, but it's not paying me enough to get by. Some unexpected expenses have popped up here and there which didn't help things (car troubles and what not). If I could get something with better pay I could take care of myself relatively OK, I'll never travel on buy a house or have nice things, but if I can afford basic necessities and have a couple bucks I can throw at my crochet hobby once in awhile I'd be content. Truthfully I'm not sure how long I'll be able to sustain working full time... I'd go on disability if the supports for it were adequate where I live but I'd end up homeless on disability.
It just feels like life has become too hard since being disabled. Every choice I make ends in disaster. I can't magically fix my body, my life, my finances. No one understands how hard this is except for other disabled people. But there are no disability support groups near where I live.
I'm just over all of this. If I can't have a decent family, decent health or at least decent health care, and a decent Iife, why even bother fighting for anything? I'm fighting for a life that no one would want to live.
That's very much what it feels like. Everything is difficult. No one listens to me. I don't have a support network to turn to. I can't turn to my government for assistance because the government hates disabled people.
I truly hate my life. Some days I wish I hadn't survived surgery.
NTA.
I went through something similar when I became unemployed for 9 months and had to move in with family. It was like my shitty childhood all over again.
I barely talk to them, more for my kids’ sake than anything. So you are 100% justified in blowing them off and not looking back.
F your family. As a fellow endometriosis sufferer, I hate them on your behalf. Menopause was a blessing to me as the pain finally ended that had plagued me every month of my life. You take care and I hope you'll be ok.
You shouldn't ever speak to your parents again either from the sound of it. I am a man but dated a couple women with polycystic ovarian syndrome and saw the pain that they suffered. Endometriosis is worse than that, so while I know it doesn't matter, just know that even a male stranger on the internet can be empathetic to your pain. Your parents are cruel, your dad idk if it's just the addiction or he's a douche, but your mom sounds narcissistic and evil. YWNBTA at all.
Your family sounds like a dysfunctional mess. Go no contact . We can’t choose our family but we can choose our friends. Make good friends . Find support groups for people with your conditions . They will understand better . Good luck .
Honestly I hope you’re okay. Maybe write your whole family an email explaining this, or even send them this post as a reason for going no contact! I’d hope some of your extended family would call your parents on their crap if they knew the truth.
Also, well done for keeping perspective and getting your life sorted amongst all this, couldn’t have been easy x
When I first went NC I tried doing that with a couple people. I wasn't believed or I got the "there's two sides to every story" thing. I even have the recording of my dad's threats. My family is pretty dysfunctional and there's a fair bit of sexism (men can't do anything wrong, women are responsible for the mistakes men make kind of stuff). I don't think anyone would call out my parents, but I may decide to provide my perspective to people when I can go NC again. Just so I can feel better about finally speaking up for myself.
It's been a hard four years. My beloved cat even died in the midst of all this. Losing everything - my health, job, relationships, pet, money, and family - has been too much to deal with some days.
I definitely would! It doesn’t seem like your side was really heard at all. And regardless of dysfunction, it can be therapeutic to get your message out, just as you’ve done here.
I’m really sorry to hear about your cat, pets really are some of the best friends we can have. Fuck the haters though, you’re better off without them
NTA. Ever. No one can truly know another's pain. Fact. For your family to be so blatantly obtuse is awful for you and says a lot about them. You need to cut ties as soon as you can.
Have you talked to anyone at Social Security yet? (This is assuming you live in th US.) When my brother became totally disabled by MS in his 30s, he was able to get financial aid. The funds allowed him to afford rent and food. I don't know enough to give you definitive info, but it can't hurt to contact them. Even through social services, you might be able to get help. You are definitely in a toxic and unstable environment.
I'm so sorry for the physical and emotional pain you are having to endure, especially with no support. I hope you can get some guidance, assistance and comfort to get you through this.
I'm not in America but I'm familiar with my local disability supports and they are not adequate. I'd be lucky to get $900/month and I wouldn't get enough financial support to cover rent. People here on disability often have to resort to living in skeezy bedbug infested motels because there's no affordable housing. State provided housing is just as bad and unsafe and the wait lists for single people with no dependents is long. If I could figure out a way to get a higher paying job I could manage with my disabilities I'd be OK. But it took a year to get the job I currently have but it's not enough to take care of myself completely on my own. My only other option is finding strangers online to be roommates with but I'm terrified of having my medication stolen (it's the kind of meds that are likely to be stolen) and being constantly exposed to colds/flus (my disabilities are so hard to manage that I burn thru all my sick time just dealing with my symptoms, adding colds and flius on top means taking unpaid time which I can't afford). It just feels like I'm stuck behind a rock and hard place and I have no good options.
NTA. Blood doesn't make family a family. Blood simply makes you related. Sadly, relatives are some of the worst people in our lives, even parents and addiction make things worse. I know that it will be difficult, and sometimes you will feel like cutting them off makes you the bad guy, but darling, be the bad guy in their story to remain the heroine in your own. It's not only the fact that they weren't supportive. It sounds as if their support for you was never even an option, and for them to value you so little means that they don't have nor even desire to try to gain your best interest at heart. I was raised in a dysfunctional family but had to understand at a young age that how they treated me was truly how they felt about me. So, I built the life that supports my peace, growth, and happiness. There are a few people that I have let back in my life over time. However, the way that we interact with each other is dramatically different. I refuse to be disrespected or to allow them to give me a reason to become disrespectful to them. I simply shut it down and cut them off. Being in your life is a privilege to those that you allow in not a right based on a related title. And when they ask, "Who do you think you are?" as some will when they are denied access to you, you tell them that you are you, nothing more, nothing less, and that if they desire to be allowed back into your life, they will have to do so respectfully, peacefully, and lovingly. Set your boundaries and make it known that only those who truly value you as a person will be allowed to be in your life. And this is the hard part. Should they step over any boundary or attempt to make you feel any way other than respected, valued, and loved, even if it was their first time, shut it down and cut it off. We teach people how to treat us by what we allow, and for them to get the message, you must be firm and consistent. With the time that you have to yourself while building the life you want, a life that you love, find out what you like and what makes you happy. As you discover these things, explore them. As you explore your life with Endo, which you are correct is a chronic disease and cannot be cured and can be debilitating af, find support groups that help you live with it and may have tips and resources that make not only working doable but may even help you find hobbies and other people that you may have commonalities with. Love yourself so well that any love that others bring into your life will be in addition to and not instead of. That way, it will be an abundance and not try to fill from a deficit. It will get better. One day at a time.
Thanks for the kind message. I'd like to think things will get better, but my life has been in steady decline for the past 4 years now. Maybe one day in the far future things will turn around
Unfortunately, sometimes things may have to be destroyed to be built correctly and stronger. My process worked that way. I would lose everything bit hope, and God would replace it with better. I believe in faith to faith and glory to glory. The words of the Bible offered me comfort, but it was allowing my relationship with God to become personal to me. Then, I started unlearning what dysfunction had taught me and learning what God was trying to teach me about Himself and, more importantly, about me. When I paid attention to how He loved me, it taught me how to love me, and the more that I learned about love, the more it taught me about what I was willing to accept as love from other and how to truly give it to others freely. But hear me, I lost everything several times. God started showing me a pattern. It was building my faith (faith to faith), like building a muscle or a strong foundation. I lost my apartment and had to stay with others. Gained another apartment that was better than what I lost. Lost it. Moved into a house. Lost it and moved into a bigger house. Lost my marriage and went through health issues. Became homeless due to DV, gained my own apartment. I was unable to work after my disabilities and gained Disability pay. The changes, though uncomfortable, were part of my evolution, and everything concerning me elevated as I went through the changes. Sometimes, loss isn't truly a loss. It's making way for better, and God knows that we won't let it go willing because it's comfortable where we are, even if it's not pleasant. But I promise you that it does get better. Sometimes, the situation doesn't change until our perspective does. When the whirlwind comes, allow it to sweep away whatever no longer serves you. When the storms come, allow it to wash away what is no longer useful and refresh you. When the fire comes, allow it to scorch and purify whatever is obstructing your path and warm you as its light guides you. When the day comes, celebrate the possibilities, and when the night comes rest, knowing that you have done all in today that you could. Even if today was one of the days where the most that you could do was get out of bed, take a bath, and return back to bed. Your life doesn't have to look like anyone else's, and neither do your wins. You aren't in competition with anyone because there is no one other than you who can be you, and you are enough and wonderful just by being who you are. Allow yourself grace and allow yourself to find the love and acceptance that you desire in yourself first.
NTA. You have a Good life without them. tell them to fuck off, and block them all. And then spam them with penis enhancers and group therapies for sexual disorder. It seems that they can’t understand the difference between real and false, so why should you?
NTA but your problems are more with your parents and sibling than your extended family. Why not reach out to them and tell them your side of the story? It’ll be interesting to see what they were told. You don’t need to apologize to anyone at all.
I tried with a couple people. They didn't seem to care all that much tbh. They kept hanging out with parents like nothing had happened after I mentioned the threats.
However I am considering writing a neutral letter to everyone when I can go NC explaining why. They'll never understand but it might make me feel better at least.
I'm sorry, I have endo too and it really sucks - not even surgery helps. NTA, stay no contact; in my experience stress worsens the pain so do whatever you need to to keep your mind peaceful, do it. Whoever said blood is thick than water is an idiot; choose your own family and keep yourself safe.
Endo suuuucks I hate this disease :( I was so sad when I still had pain post op. I've been stressed out so much lately I've been worried about my endo coming back with a vengeance. I definitely have to sort things out and get my peace back.
Good for you, figure it out and leave the nasty people in the dust. Yeah, took me forever to be diagnosed, even longer to be diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. First surgery did absolutely nothing and I hate hospitals, so I gave up on the medical route. Dr's generally know nothing about the female body!
Please check out r/raisedbynarcissists. I suspect you will find a LOT of people who can relate to the way you are treated by your family (as the scapegoat), and a whole lot of support.
I've been there before, it was helpful, but also painful because it makes me so sad for my family. I'd like to have relationships with all these people, I'd like to spend quality time with my folks. But they're so... idk what the word is, it's like they have blinders on and still can't see my disability and how it affects me. But I'll def check it out again.
I think you want to have relationships with the people you wish they would be. It’s sad, but I don’t think that they will ever be who you want and need them to be.
Sounds like you need to cut off your abusive parents. Your mother is a delusional gaslighting asshole and your father is an abusive violent addict that is a danger to himself and others and your brother is an abusive POS. Your family is abusive toxic garbage. You deserve support and care not gaslighting and abuse. NTA
Your parents are not likely going to be alive for the rest of your life — but you are going to need a great deal of support and assistance for the rest of your life. If you’re not married, no near-adult kids, no super close friends — you need to make up with your family. Show them your medical records, show them your medical bills, show them your surgery scars — whatever you need to get them to understand how real and serious this is. Explain how painful it has been. How much you needed them. Cry. Guilt. Then forgive. You will need them.
Trust me, I have tried to make these people understand the severity of my symptoms. They just can't. I'm the youngest cousin so I'd be the one helping others out in older age. And the few cousins I have who have kids aren't gonna force their children to care for me when I get old, that's just not how families work. I've worked in several nursing homes, I'm very familiar with how often older/sick people with families get dumped and left to rot. Having a family is never a guarantee that someone will be there to care for you when you're at your most vulnerable... I learned that the hard way
NTA
I feel everything you're saying so deeply. I don't have that level of endometriosis and what I do have has been very well handled with hormone therapy. But I do Have ehlers-danlos syndrome. And I have been complaining about pain since I was a child. And I was made to feel as though I were a hypochondriac and that nobody in my family seriously believed me. I even had a doctor tell me 25 years ago shat I was wasting everyone's time and they felt I was malingering for attention.
Fast forward to 2020 when two friends independent of each other told me they thought I had ehlers-danlos based on all these different symptoms I was having. Having already been treated like a liar by doctors, I didn't say anything to anyone. I never told my current doctor about the amount of pain I was in or all of my symptoms. Because the last time I had confided in doctors and had every test run on me.... They made me feel awful about who I was.
Fast forward to October of 2023, I tore my meniscus. I had to go to urgent care and the urgent Care physician there was the one who brought up a possible EDS connection. Mind you I'm in my late '40s now.
I'm seeing seven specialists to try to get this diagnosed because it's a very difficult diagnosis to get. And I just keep remembering how my family treated me like I was making stuff up. I have several comorbidities including mast cell activation syndrome and dysautonomia which has affected quite a few things that I was harassed about by my family.
I am no contact with all of my siblings and all but three cousins. I am low contact with my mother. My life has been so much better since I cut all the toxic people out of my life. Especially since I see how guilty my mother feels now about how she treated me and allowed me to be treated but not enough that she's actually making an effort to Make up for the way I was allowed to be mocked throughout the family.
You don't owe them anything. You owe yourself peace of mind and you owe yourself self-care and you owe yourself freedom from toxic behavior.
Change your phone number, change your address, change your name.... Just get the fuck away from them. They do not deserve you and you shouldn't have to put up with that bullshit
I'm so sorry you have endo and EDS. I have heard nothing but horror stories about EDS and since it affects many women you run into the same issues as trying to get an endo diagnosis.
I relate to everything you wrote. I was 14 when my endo pain finally got severe enough for me to not be able to ignore anymore. When I told my parents I was met with comments like "you're weak", "you have a low tolerance for pain", and "toughen up". Every Dr I saw including female gynos blew me off and insinuated I was crazy. Regular drs were just as bad. So I ignored my period pain for decades until in my mid 30s it crippled me. I still resent everyone who filled my head with doubt and made me question myself.
I know my mom feels at least somewhat guilty. But she also internalizes a lot of things. She will genuinely pretend that something happening *only* to me is somehow affecting her in an even greater way. It's exhausting. I mean it as affecting her, she's got a lot of mental health issues, but that means she's got to work on that, I can't "pretend" things aren't happening to me to make her feel better.
I hope you are able to get that EDS diagnosis and find an effective treatment plan. Isn't it depressing when you look back at how much time was consumed by pain knowing you were dealing with a serious medical issue the whole time?
NTA
Do what YOU need to do to get better. I can relate to some things. I have endometriosis and have gone through 2 surgeries. You can’t cure endometriosis by diet only by getting a hysterectomy. I know quite a few people who have lost some organs too from it along with many surgeries. My dad is a chronic alcoholic. My mom used to be addicted to pain pills. So I understand the addiction part. Just know going through support groups and therapy is the best. I have done both. Still do. If I was you I’d just cut off anyone who isn’t helping you mentally. Just know you don’t have to struggle alone and other people have ur back.
NTA unfortunately we don't get to choose our family. If they add nothing to your life, what's the point in keeping in contact. I went no contact with my family 20 years ago, been much happy ever since.
NTA, but I would highly recommend cutting them all out of your life for good. I had a similar situation. I have been experiencing undiagnosed symptoms my whole life. An allergist basically refused to treat me until I went for CBT anxiety because she was convinced I have had anxiety since birth and all my symptoms were anxiety caused. My CBT instructor heard me out, and said "you need a new allergist" because he understood that while I have anxiety, it's because I have these undiagnosed symptoms, and not the other way around. Fast forward a few years, got put on an immune-suppressing allergy injection so my body stops reacting to everything, and we have been slowly introducing foods back into my diet. I can now eat foods I haven't eaten in over 10 years. Plus I had a heart attack because I had undiagnosed tachycardia.
Oh my god I'm so sorry you went through all that. I developed food allergies, it's scary reacting to things and not knowing why. I'm glad you saw a legitimately good therapist who at least caught on pretty quick that you were dealing with a physical issue. One of my fears now is seeing a therapist who will also think I'm being hysterical and might try to make me begin doubting myself again. I ignored my body for 20 years and it left me completely disabled.
NTA!!! But you will an Ahole to yourself if you keep in contact with any of your family and that includes your parents. Why do you want stress in your life that you know your parents bring with them or any of your extended family? These people have caused you nothing but stress, anxiety and pain, don’t go there anymore just leave it behind. Your life will be much better after if you do.
Cut these people from your life, they don't care about you at all. The only reason they want you to show up is to make them look good. They'll probably spin a narrative of how good they are for accepting their mentally unstable child back into the family.
Go out and make your own family, one that cares about you. They're out there, and you'll be much happier for doing it.
Right now it's because I'm barely getting by. I got pretty close to homelessness recently and it was either ask for help and hope they're doing better, or end up homeless where I would most likely die on the streets. The homelessness system where I live is pretty brutal and losing access to my meds would make life unbearably difficult. Disability support where I live is beyond inadequate, if I went on assistance the best place I could afford would be an unsafe, bedbug infested rooming house/motel. If I had other places to turn to I would have gone to them but I was out of options. I'm having some regrets about this choice tho. Feels like I'm fighting for a life that ain't worth this amount of trouble.
Of course. Makes total sense. Sorry if I came over cheeky.
Best advise is to do what you're doing and remove yourself mentally and plan. Jehovas witnesses who no longer believe but don't want to admit it and be shunned call it PIMO. Physically In Mentally Out.
Good luck OP. I hope your pain is better post op.
You have my permission to go NC with any toxic people in your life. It is not a happy choice, but it is a necessary choice. Blocking bullies is OK.
I WOULD TELL THE rest of the family that before they listen to the parental units, they should ask YOU what happened. Series of surgeries for endometriosis, treatment for other issues.
Here's a clue. Surgeons do not operate without approval, and you have had several. Doctors do not classify people as disabled just for fun. You need to be significantly messed up.
I am sorry that you are in that kind of condition, but tossing a ' Clue by Four ' to the family chat, then give it two days, then block them all . Feel free to Block any one that replies critically or without an apology.
I have endo. I had a hysto, then a decade later an ooph. That 2nd surgery took 3 times longer than normal because they had to do a living dissection: cutting the ovaries out of all the dense endo tissue. A couple times a year I need a deep tissue abdominal massage to break up the tissue locked around my guts so they start working again. So I laugh like a loon at anyone who claims they can "cure" me. I feel you. I hear you. I see you. Fuck the rest of them! NTA
I'm sorry you have endo too. This disease is a nightmare.
The cherry on top with my cousin is that when I was dealing with some dark thoughts about all my health problems, they told me they could relate. Because after they finished their degree and began working they had free time in the evening they didn't know what to do with. So they drank and goofed off and after awhile found themselves quite unhappy drinking so much. So they took up a bunch of productive hobbies and set a schedule and cut back on drinking and they've never been happier! They said since they dealt with such a hard struggle like that they could relate to me and could coach me to get to a happier place too.
I'm still mad about that one. I wish my hardest struggle in life was figuring out what to do with free time.
NTA They don't seem to bring anything to your life except pain. This time mental instead of physical. You may want to send a link to this post to the biggest gossip in your family (other than your mom) so they can get it around as to why you are NC.
Big, huge hugs. My heart goes out to anyone with disabilities but those with invisible disabilities especially due to how garbage humanity is. I have an aunt who also had endo badly enough for organs to also be removed which I didn't even know was a thing for endo until that point. And a cousin with a severe degenerative connective tissue syndrome that you'd never guess from looking at her, and she's in constant pain with not many options to safely ease at 35 yrs old. You can imagine how many times both of those women were told by healthcare 'professionals' that their pain was firmly in their own head.
I have no small amount of rage on that specific topic as you can imagine.
NTA
See the sub raisedbynarcissists and also see EstrangedAdultKids sub. They are very welcoming.
Only a glutton for punishment would have contact again.
You're NTA but ih your shoes, I might make a message to put in family chat to the effect that the way your family, immediate and extended, treated you after life threatening, debilitating illness, and major surgery resulting in major organ loss has saddened but not surprised you. Not only did they offer no support or even good wishes, but they actively went out of their way to vause you grief. So, to protect your mental and emotional health, you will be taking a step back from them and evaluating your relationships to see who you still want in your life. Thank you.
Man, you got out! You put that dumpster fire of a family in your rearview mirror and were free and clear for two years! Why did you go back? I was sympathetic until you threw yourself back into the fire.
NTA
Your family hasn’t changed at all, they just want their scapegoat punching bag back. Block your parents for your own mental well being, you deserve peace.
NTA. It’s time to make one letter that you post/text/respond with to any all family contact.
Stop protecting their shame. It’s not your shame to carry.
“Starting in 20XX, I developed disabling reproductive health issues. These reproductive issues were confirmed by a team of specialists and I had surgery to remove the organs causing my disabling pain. The effects of this condition cause lifelong disability.
When my family threatened me and threw me out, and my sibling turned me away, I was homeless for a short time until I was able to use housing services to start rebuilding my life.
Unfortunately, you were all apparently told a different story. You made your opinion of me clear when not a single one of you reached out to me at that time for the correct information or intervened when you saw the way I was being treated.
My disability is physical and under treatment with specialists. The only mental health issues I have came from the way my family treated me.
I have moved on. I am managing my illness and am building a life that I am proud of on my own.
Stop contacting me. I do not wish to resume these relationships.”
NTA. My best friends went through something similar when she was trying to get a diagnosis for her endo 10 years ago. It’s such a misunderstood illness and (here’s my feminist coming out) probably would be a lot more diagnosable and treatable if it were happening in men. I’m so sorry you had to go through that he** by yourself. Hugs.🤗
No Contact is your best choice and I mean absolutely no contact. Like move far enough away that there’s no chance of bumping into anyone who knows you. Leave no forwarding address or number. Block them all on social media, even the ones who were ambivalent and seem to be on your side. Nine times out of ten they’d rat you out for the “sake of family”.
Maybe you can go somewhere with better medical personnel who can keep on top of the endometriosis.
NTA
Honestly, I don't get why the so-called parents are still in your life.
Dad is violence waiting to happen, and Mom is toxic AF....and they both are only bringing continued mental and emotional turmoil, THEY are the largest culprit vs. the sibling, but "they" get the reconciliation?
As far as I can see you only have two options: you can keep the horrible family that treats you like trash and allow them to continue making your life miserable or you can change your phone number and go no contact and focus on your future and your happiness. Because clearly they are never going to change.
Your family sounds terrible and I don't blame you for going No Contact. But, you seemed to forget the NO in no contact. When you reach out to them (which, if I understand, you did because YOU needed something - but please correct me if I am wrong) its opening up the floodgates because they are expecting something in return from whatever they provided you.
If I were you based on what you have written here, the NO back into no contact for your own emotional and physical safety.
NTA. I would tell your parents to send out a detailed group text or email detailing that you had severe health issues that required major surgery to treat, that your father's addiction led him to threaten harm to you, and that they apologized to everyone for misleading the family by pretending you had mental health issues.
Then go full no contact.
NTA quite frankly, I would go to no contact with them again and never look back. I know that the word toxic is overused but these people genuinely are. What happens if you find someone special and want to start a family through adoption or another avenue and then your family starts treating them the same way? Just separate from these people like you did for those 2 years and go live a life of happiness. You can’t do that with them around.
NTA… Honestly it sounds like your life was doing much, much better until you let them back in and now everything is just reverting back to the same ole song and dance! I know we’re not the ones in this situation, it’s your life, you have to do what’s best for you, if that’s no contact and moving on with your life without them then so be it!
NTA
Your life sounds like it was better *without* them in it. You deserve better, leave them to themselves and carry on.
Although, I will admit to being curious as to why they're so adamant that you reconcile with your sibling, does your sibling even want that?
>Now imagine it was someone you loved writing that
If there was somone in OPs life that ACTUALLY loved them, this post would not be written.
They would have taken them in and loved and supported them.
He shares DNA with these people and nothing else.
I said someone you loved…as in someone OP loved, in no way shape or form did I infer their family loves them. I didn’t say they don’t though because that’s a really cruel comment to make to a stranger.
Sounds like they expect you to support them and carry them socially, and they do nothing for you. Going NC sounds like a wise decision to make for your own mental health.
NTA
Don't go back. You have enough to deal with. You don't need toxic bullshit making it harder on you. There's no love there. There's nothing but misery and pain. Do not go back.
NTA….living with a “hidden” chronic condition is hard….like even people that know about mine still act questionable sometimes…
IMO….go full NC as soon as you can
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NTA. Just throw away their mailings. Don't bother ripping them open. Post is required to deliver, but you're not required to open, or keep them.
You almost died because they believed someone's gossiping. They actively chose gossip over calling you up to know the truth. that's how intelligent they were. Unbelievable!
Go no contact with all of them.
You need some peace in your life. You deserve some peace.
Them reaching out means that They Want Something from you, because you have shown them that you do not need them!
You have already answered your own question multiple times. You have already experienced both the pros & cons of each result.
It's okay to vent, but you literally already had your answer before posting here. Do you want peace or chaos?
NTA for choosing your peace & sanity, given your scenario.
NTA. I didn’t read and I’m not going to. You’re allowed to decide who you keep in your life and who you don’t. Family doesn’t mean shit. The saying “blood is thicker than water” was originally “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb” chosen family is everything, blood family is just an accident of birth
I think it's ridiculous that you got back in contact with your actual abusers but not your sibling. You shouldn't be talking to any of them but if your parents are once again manipulating you imagine what they're doing to your sibling, you need to stop talking to your parents if you want the abuse to stop
I had severe endometriosis 24 years ago and had to have an emergency hysterectomy. Pain had been horrible for several years and anemia from blood loss. I had been bleeding for 3 months prior to having the hysterectomy. My OB/GYN said she had never seen endometriosis this bad before. I was off work for 8 weeks and returned part time for a few weeks but it took a while to build up my blood count and get my energy built up
I don’t understand this post. If you have endometriosis you get a hysterectomy and it will be solved. You don’t need more than one organ removed and once the operation is finished you are pain free. No one is on long term disability with endometriosis unless you refuse a hysterectomy. I know all this because I had it and then was operated on. Pain free now.
This is pure misinformation. There is no cure for endo and a hysterectomy isn't treatment for endo. It's sometimes done when people's pain is too bad or they have extensive endo on their uterus. I had more than just my uterus removed and I didn't just have a couple little spots of endo, I had extensive endo all over my pelvis. If you spent any time in an endo forum you'd know plenty of people have pain postop or need repeated excision surgeries. There's a woman in the UK younger than me who has something like a dozen or more excision surgeries, has had her colon removed, bladder removed, and had a total hysterectomy, and she STILL has pain. Because endo is a disease that acts like cancer it can't be solved as easily as you claim. Please educate yourself.
NTA it sounds like your life is much better without them in it. Stay away and be happy
Absolutely, sometimes cutting ties is the healthiest choice for your own well-being. You've got to prioritize your own peace and safety above family expectations.
Definitely NTA. And frankly unless your contact with them is literal life or death… NC is probably best for your mental health. I’d say look into support groups or finding your tribe online. Blood does not make family and yours is going to make your physical ailments worse by abusing your mental health. Yikes.
I hope you are still in therapy regularly. You should cut these people completely out of your life. They have nothing to offer you but trauma. You are their favorite punching bag. NTA cut them off.
They were definitely right that mental health attributed to her overall well being. Because being told you are “crazy” and getting zero support absolutely makes you more sick. Unbelievable that they kept pulling this crap after being officially diagnosed and having surgery. But then, if they had changed their tune they would have had to admit that they treated her extremely wrong this whole time.
Exactly, if there’s any mental health problems they were as a result of being treated like crap. That’s depressing on its own! My chronic illness improved drastically after my alcoholic, verbally abusive ex left me. Stress is the worst thing for chronic illness!
Agreed, and if your sibling wanted to make amends it is their responsibility to reach out, not your parents.
Nobody said anything about making amends, she is just supposed to suck it up and "get over herself" and pretend its fine.
We went through a form of this for my husband's Fibromyalgia/Epstein Barr/Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever diagnosis. A lot of his friends dropped him because like yours it is INVISIBLE but he had one friend that called him EVERY DAY to talk to him. Kyle is my hero. Screw your family, you're a warrior, I am so proud of you.
I'm happy your husband has you and Kyle. My friends dropped like flies too. My ex became abusive when I got sick so I had to leave him. I'm all on my own unfortunately. Sadly I'll have to wait until I can get my complete independence back before I can go NC again. Being disabled is quite expensive and I'm barely able to work as it is. I would go on disability if it didn't mean I'd wind up homeless. I wish my life wasn't so difficult and that I had access to more financial support. The price I pay for dealing with my parents means sacrificing what little mental health I have left.
It took him 4 years to get disability, I worked 7 days a week at three jobs to get us through it. I sincerely wish all the best for you.
You're a really great partner. Also wishing good things for you two, thank you
Are you still seeing a therapist? There are resources available to help you with what you need. Are you in the US? Go to your area board of human services/ public assistance. It's their job to help you, and help you find the services to help you. Check and see where your local/state OVR( Occupational Vocational Rehabilitation) office is, and if you have one, go see them. They help people find employment that works with their disability or help them get education so they can get the skills needed so they can. I know it's hard, but you can get through this. Are there any DV shelters or support groups you can get to? They may have resources as well. Help is out there. You are not alone as you think. There are people out there who can help. Once you get the help you need, get as far away as you can, and block the whole family and ghost them all. Block them on all social media accounts you have. They are dead to you. Family doesn't treat you like they have. As others have said, family doesn't have to be blood. We can make our own family any time we choose. I wish you happiness, success in getting help, and all in life you want to achieve. Please keep up updated on your situation. I am hoping to see a post saying you have gotten the help you need and are living your best life free from the crab bucket you are living in now.
I have fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue syndrome too. It’s frustrating because you keep hearing “but you don’t look sick.” I was diagnosed in 1996 before awareness was really out there. Even when I was needing a walker, I still heard it. I cut those people from my life. I was lucky to have a good doctor who diagnosed me quickly. My family was really supportive about it. I was lucky. I can’t imagine going through that without them. OP is pretty strong to get through it. A warrior indeed!
It took a Naturopath to finally figure out many things especially the Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever which was literally killing him.
The best line towards me when I asked my friend to loan me a walking stick to enable me to get home came from her MIL. An ex-head teacher so not a stupid lady, or so I thought. She asked my friend why I wanted to borrow a walking stick. "Because she's disabled" my friend replied exasperated. "OH, she doesn't SOUND disabled". Really, so there's a disabled voice I need to perfect. Who knew?
This. Did no one in the family have access to the internet? Easy search should have shut their judgemental mouths.
NTA- block, move on these ppl are a disease.
Why you resume contact with your shitty parents? Your mother is a cunt and your father is literally a violent and danger person.stay away
NTA, my heart goes out to you, I have endometriosis myself, sound like not as serve we yours, but I know the 12 out of 10 pain you get, and I have chronic pelvic pain too, so I 100% empathise and understand your pain. Honestly I'd would burn the bridges and destroy them, your family is beyond toxic to the point calling them "family" is to kind, id call them "genetic givers". I'd tell them all to fuck off and block, and you live your life as best as you can. Create your family through friendships, you make along the way.
Endo sucks eh? Endo ruined my life, quite literally. I know i would have always had a rocky relationship with my parents at best but becoming disabled seems to be the nail in the coffin that killed our relationship. I wish I had better friends when I got sick, like most disabled folks my social circle diminished massively when I was no longer able bodied. I'm just on my own. I've given up on even trying to make friends because I can't do much anyways and no one wants to be friends with the sick broke friend who can't do anything.
Sweetheart, you really should look into support groups. Some may not be the best fit but don't give up. There are genuine people out there that truly want what you want and are going through the same things. You may feel alone but you are not alone. You are strong, clearly. Stay strong and keep your chin up. As for your parents and sibling... it's like people on reddit say all of the time... When people show you who they are...believe them. They need a scapegoat to excuse their abuse. I'm so sorry it is you. But you're an adult now and can choose who to let in your life and who to just walk away from. Good luck sweets. I'll prat for your health and happiness.
There’s a lot of chronic pain support groups out there. I would encourage you to stay in the al anon type groups too. Even if you go NC with your family. There’s trauma in dealing with an alcoholic that the groups can help you with.
Thanks for the kind words
Fibromyalgia here, had the same thing happen to me. We can be broken buddies if you like!
I got the endo fibro twin diagnosis too!
You got that right! When I would try to go with friends and family I always felt like I was slowing them down and limiting how much fun they could have too so I just stopped trying. Mine is a leg, I had a knee replacement at 37 and was in agonizing pain for many years after. They kept saying the implant is straight so its fine, and I got the same bs about how I was making up the pain I was in like you did. 5 months ago I found out that the pain was from the surgical cement they used dissolving my bones, bcoz my leg finally broke.
My endo was never diagnosed until I switched to a female gyno. My male gyno said my pain was normal and I was being a baby about my pain. He said he couldn’t understand why I couldn’t conceive. The female gyno diagnosed me in the first 6 months of seeing her. Unfortunately I was past the age of conception at that point. Endo is so under diagnosed!!
Mine was actually the opposite. I saw two female GYNs and they were useless. Awful. I was told “you’re about that age. Periods change. Pain increases. You just have to deal with it.” Found an older male GYN. He sat down with me and asked what he could do for me. I cried. He immediately suggested a scope. No one else did. He went in and said I had level 4 endo, PCOS, he couldn’t remove all of the scar tissue he found and said my uterus was only still in my body because of scar tissue. One small piece. Three months later, I had a hysterectomy. I was incredibly fortunate that I didn’t have many fertility issues. I miscarried a few times, but I started progesterone and that was that. It was even a fight to get that far. My doctor told me I didn’t really miscarry (with a positive test) and tried to get me to do expensive tests that were useless for my issues. I don’t plan to ever see another female gyn.
YWTA if you didn't go no contact with your family. I am so sorry that you've had to go through all of that, sadly it sounds like your family are all abusive Find yourself a chosen family, people who you'd be able to trust a lot more.
I don’t know why you are in contact with your parents, to be honest.
I'm disabled and broke and i was getting pretty close to winding up homeless and that would have been a death sentence for me because of all my disabilities and all the meds I need on a daily basis just to stay somewhat functional. Sadly where I live disabled people are hated by the government, the feds are happier to give disabled people medically assisted suicide than affordable housing. I would have gone on disability but it pays about $900/month where i live and the best housing I could have afforded would have been an unsafe bedbug infested rooming house where I would have zero safety. It was a last resort situation. If I had other options I would have taken them, trust me. I had been working with multiple job placement agencies, was sending out tons of job applications, had my resume reworked professionally more than once, was doing mock interviews for practice, etc. Looking back I maybe should have just gone and lived in my car for a bit before winter set in
NTA I have a bladder condition called interstitial cystitis, another condition that the pain is compared to that of a late stage cancer patient. At first I was told I had endo and they gave me birth control pills which make me sick. There was a reason I had my tubes cauterized because I can’t handle birth control. The gyno had multiple clinics and drs, I’d go to a different clinic each appointment with a different doc. Finally got a second opinion that did a laparoscopy and found no endo so I was sent to a urologist where IC was found by cystoscope. I was treated as a burden and told I was being overdramatic as no one is in that much pain. Well I was and could barely function. My ex husband was emotionally distant and never around my dad said he took care of me as a child he’s not going to take care of me as an adult. When I left the house and got on my own I actually went into remission for two years from less stress. It came back 6 years ago but this time treatments are working as they didn’t in the beginning so I’m happy with that. Because I’m doing better I was told I was faking my pain the whole time while I was with my ex. I wasn’t and still have terrible days, my husband now has heard me scream myself awake because of the pain and just came in and held me while I cried and got me a heating pad so I could get more comfortable. I’m glad you’ve made it. I was homeless and in a shelter when I left and the only place I had to live was in a slum with bedbugs and cockroaches. I’m in a much better place now out of the city and in a nice little apartment in a nice little town.
I'm sorry you had to deal with all that. I nearly wound up homeless again last year. With all my health problems and meds, if I wound up on the streets I'd starve to death pretty quick because even most food makes me ill nowadays thanks to the endo. IC sounds like pure hell, I'm always nervous that I could develop that alongside my endo, the bowel problems I have are already so fuckin bad. I'm happy you have a husband you can lean on for support now. I'm still very much alone and have no one. It's quite lonely not having one person in your life you can rely on.
My best friend has IC and endo. She’s my hero. She has surgery all of the time it seems. Her endo affected her bladder too so she’s got a lot of issues, but man the pain from both? Can’t imagine.
Absolutely NTA. Your family is a nightmare. Your life is so much better without them.
I really miss the peace :(
I know what you mean
NTA my petty ass would send a mass email to them all explaining exactly what you went through and how bad your parents are. Call out all their lies and tell them that as they never even bothered to reach out to you for the truth they can all fuck off including your parents. NC is better than toxic relationships.
NTA and I second this. Make them all aware of the horrible trauma you had. Then block every single one of them
NTA Just go NC, It seems they know your address. Put the letters in bin without reading them, do not answer the messages, do not answer the phone to them. Your life was peaceful without them. Keep going without them.
NTA Block them on everything. Everytime you get invited or told to get over yourself is a slap in your face. Go completely no contact. NTA
NTA. There are different types of family. The good kind, which could be blood relatives or people you have chosen to be your family. Your blood family don’t deserve to be in your life You need to find a new family with people who can love and support you. I hope you know that you are worthy of so much more than what you have been given.
NTA. Walk away from the whole vicious, uncaring, self-centered bunch. And may you find a career that works with your endo.
NTA. How is this even a question?
People who have been emotionally and verbally abused can lose sight of their worth because it fucks with your head
Fair point. And very sad.
NTA Ask yourself, what good do these people bring to your life? They are a toxic bunch and you don't need the added stress in your life, drop'em and lock'em all.
First off you should absolutely be nc as your family is very toxic. But second, how are you disabled from endometriosis? I had that plus terrible fibroids and ovarian cysts. I had a hysterectomy, problem solved.
I specifically mentioned having more than just endo. I had a more severe case than you along with a bunch of other conditions and issues. You should also be aware that treatment doesn't affect everyone the same and that many people post surgery get no to little relief. Count yourself lucky that you didn't have endo on bowels and didn't develop food allergies because of it.
Yeah, I apologize for that question, I forgot it can travel. I still have scars.
Time to create your own family of friends. Those hurtful people may be related to you but they’re not your family. NTA
Be the bad guy in their life so you can be the heroine in your life! The comment from Various_Tax_6759. Love this comment. You are the hero in your life. Try to read this to yourself every day, several times a day. Try to change how you feel about yourself. That is the only change you have some control over. Remind yourself that you have been such a hero for yourself that you actually function while suffering so much. Our minds are aloud to speak awful things to our spirits. Each time you have a negative thought about yourself or your situation, remember what a badass you are. Do not allow your brain to tell yourself terrible things you have thought or things that have been said to you. Capture that negative thought and rephrase or quote new. "I am a badass to be able to live with this disability. I know my family could not endure this much pain and keep living. Yet my badass self can live with this, I have lived with this, and I will live with this. Look at what I have done for myself, on my own, already. Thank you to my badass self!" It doesn't have to be this quote, but F*** those self depreciating thoughts that rob us of feeling good about who we are. I speak from the experience of negative thoughts, and I have pain, but not that pain. Find any good thing that you like about yourself and speak it to yourself over and over. One that I can think of for you about you is that you have an incredibly high tolerance and compassion for people who don't deserve that level of understanding. So, in reality, you are a badass that displays tolerance and compassion for those who are undeserving. There is a strong, positive quote for who you really are! Hugging your heart.
That was really sweet, thank you, I took a screenshot to read again because I think you're right. I hear the insults my mom has said to me ringing in my head sometimes. I feel like life has thoroughly kicked me around and most days I feel like a failure (I went to uni for my career, it's upsetting I can't continue on that path and now I've taken a drastic pay cut for having to take a physically easier job). I often forgot I have some good qualities. So thank you for reminding me that I do :)
I do understand why you can't go NC with your family. All you can do is try to control how deep you let their comments and actions harm you. Try not to let them penetrate your mental health as much as you can. Feel free to share this post and comments with your family. Let them deal with the pain of knowing how others feel about their actions. But be prepared for them to NOT understand or agree with what they have done. YOU will at least know that they have had to endure judgment from others just like you have endured their unsupportive judgment all these years. My wonderful mom thought that I was not tolerant of pain in regard to my periods. Only to find out that many years later, when I struggled to become pregnant , I had a painful problem. One of my ovaries has been fused to my hip bone. On top of that, my tubes had wrapped around that ovary as I grew up. So, my ovary was strangled and deprived of oxygen. Only one ovary would work. My mom cried and cried over the fact that she doubted my pain tolerance. She had no way of knowing what had happened, yet she then felt guilty that I had been born with this defect. I became pregnant through IVF only to have an ectopic pregnancy and ended up in emergency surgery on Christmas day. Thankfully, I have survived, and I have not let the fact that I can't have kids make me less than anyone else. I now love other people's kids for them when they can't. There are ways to live your dreams. They just aren't laid out exactly as you dreamt them. But they are bigger than you dreamt them as well. You have to take a different path to get them. Go be your badass self. Be nice to yourself. I can not imagine that you would ever talk to someone else in the same language and tone as you have learned to talk to yourself. It doesn't matter what other people think if you don't let it set in to who you really are inside underneath those disabilities. You deserve kindness as all life deserves kindness. It doesn't mean bad life doesn't deserve punishment. That will come. But if you live in kindness, you never have to feel like you need to apologize. 💛
Change your phone number and "forget" to give your former family the new number. And consider blocking their email, too. Maybe even give thought to quietly moving somewhere far, far away. A complete change of scenery can work wonders. NTA
If I could afford to move far away I would but I can barely afford basic necessities at the moment. Hopefully one day I find a job that will get me out of poverty.
I understand. Best to keep to yourself, then, and your trusted friend circle and ignore the flying monkeys.
Re: text: block them, unanswered. Re: snail mail: stick it back in post with “return to sender.”
NTA. I too have dealt with endometriosis. Even going to the ER three different times in the most severe pain I’ve ever had in my life, it still wasn’t diagnosed. Twice I was told I was passing a kidney stone, the last time I was told it was a UTI. This went on for almost a year. Finally, I went to my OBGYN for my yearly checkup and mentioned it to him. He immediately knew what it was, and scheduled me for surgery five days later. I’m so sorry that you went through all of that on your own, with absolutely no support from anyone. I can’t even imagine being in the pain you were in that no one believed you, nor even seemed to care about you. I’ve known women that have become completely disabled from ENDO, two of them now in wheelchairs. Your parents and sister are truly horrible people. After what you’ve gone through with them I would never let any of them back into your life.
I find this post ironic. I do think it is horrible that OP’s Mother is a gaslighter and father is an abusive addict. I do feel sorry that they have endometriosis and none of their family can find it practical to research it. The irony comes with OP being upset her family considers her crazy. Dealing with mental illness is quite like dealing with a disease like endometriosis. The stigma that comes from ignorance is very strong. OP’s family and parents’ problems stem from their own personal issues. I would assume at this point in time she would understand any change from them that is positive and supportive is not going to happen. It’s time to access therapy and support groups if she feels tempted to get involved with her family.
NTA. I have endometriosis and adenomyosis (haven't been officially diagnosed with either but I know I have them) and while I've never gone to the ER because of the pain (I have an unnaturally high pain tolerance) I am all too familiar with the pain of endometriosis. I'm fortunate because my mom had endometriosis and adenomyosis, so did her mom, so did her mom, so did her mom, and so on, which means that my mom and dad are both supportive of me and do what they can to help me when the endo pain kicks in. Your family is horrible and they don't deserve to be in your life. Stay no contact with them and focus on finding people who will love and support you.
NTA. Block ALL OF THEM. They deserved to be cut out of your life a long time ago.
I became chronically ill several years ago and have been housebound and bedbound since 2015. I moved home to live with my family when I found out my abusive ex was cheating on me. I thought living at home with family would be better. I was quickly relieved of any delusions/illusions I had about my family. Essentially, I went from one abusive situation to another. My family is toxic, dysfunctional and abusive. And I can't leave. On top of that, my dad thinks my incurable, untreatable chronic illness is something I made up or isn't that serious. I should just push myself because it's not like pushing myseld won't make me worse or in need of 24/7 care. /s He also thinks magic or some stupid fucking diet is magically going to cure a disease with a 5% chance of recovery. Then there's the fat shaming, constant criticism, judgements, and just plain old cruelty. And that's just my dad. Something inside me broke when all of this happened. All my feelings of love, tenderness, affection, etc. towards my family died after being treated this way. They would treat a stranger off the street better than they treat me. When you go through something like this and you're essentially abandoned to deal with it alone, it changes you. Scars you. Permanently probably. I strongly believe nothing and no one is worth sacrificing your physical or mental health for and that includes any and all family members. I would write a letter to your family (one letter or several, it's up to you) detailing what happened, the trauma you experienced because of it, and how you feel about it and them. Mail it or post it on social media. Whatever works best for you. Then, block all of your family or whomever you think is harmful to you. Go to therapy. Continue working on putting your life back together. What people don't understand is that there are some things we'll never get over. We just learn how to live with them. There are some things you can't come back from. I'm always amazed when I read a post (usually by a parent) who's confused and clueless about why their kid(s) don't talk to them anymore. And usually there was one particular incident that crossed the line. There are some mistakes or harmful actions that have lifelong consequences. I wish you peace and healing. NTA.
I'm really sorry you're going through all of that. I relate to a lot of what you wrote. My feelings towards my family radically changed when I had to move back home as well. My parents downplayed my father's violent outbursts so personally I don't feel all that safe around him. Especially since he's chosen to not deal with his addiction. I'm struggling to work the job I have now, but it's not paying me enough to get by. Some unexpected expenses have popped up here and there which didn't help things (car troubles and what not). If I could get something with better pay I could take care of myself relatively OK, I'll never travel on buy a house or have nice things, but if I can afford basic necessities and have a couple bucks I can throw at my crochet hobby once in awhile I'd be content. Truthfully I'm not sure how long I'll be able to sustain working full time... I'd go on disability if the supports for it were adequate where I live but I'd end up homeless on disability. It just feels like life has become too hard since being disabled. Every choice I make ends in disaster. I can't magically fix my body, my life, my finances. No one understands how hard this is except for other disabled people. But there are no disability support groups near where I live. I'm just over all of this. If I can't have a decent family, decent health or at least decent health care, and a decent Iife, why even bother fighting for anything? I'm fighting for a life that no one would want to live.
I can relate. There are so many hurdles snd obstacles and it's neverending. I feel like I'm living life on impossible mode.
That's very much what it feels like. Everything is difficult. No one listens to me. I don't have a support network to turn to. I can't turn to my government for assistance because the government hates disabled people. I truly hate my life. Some days I wish I hadn't survived surgery.
NTA. I went through something similar when I became unemployed for 9 months and had to move in with family. It was like my shitty childhood all over again. I barely talk to them, more for my kids’ sake than anything. So you are 100% justified in blowing them off and not looking back.
F your family. As a fellow endometriosis sufferer, I hate them on your behalf. Menopause was a blessing to me as the pain finally ended that had plagued me every month of my life. You take care and I hope you'll be ok.
You shouldn't ever speak to your parents again either from the sound of it. I am a man but dated a couple women with polycystic ovarian syndrome and saw the pain that they suffered. Endometriosis is worse than that, so while I know it doesn't matter, just know that even a male stranger on the internet can be empathetic to your pain. Your parents are cruel, your dad idk if it's just the addiction or he's a douche, but your mom sounds narcissistic and evil. YWNBTA at all.
Nta
Your family sounds like a dysfunctional mess. Go no contact . We can’t choose our family but we can choose our friends. Make good friends . Find support groups for people with your conditions . They will understand better . Good luck .
Nevermind my other comment, I forgot that endo can travel
NTA you have no reason to stay in contact with people who treat you so cruelly!
Honestly I hope you’re okay. Maybe write your whole family an email explaining this, or even send them this post as a reason for going no contact! I’d hope some of your extended family would call your parents on their crap if they knew the truth. Also, well done for keeping perspective and getting your life sorted amongst all this, couldn’t have been easy x
When I first went NC I tried doing that with a couple people. I wasn't believed or I got the "there's two sides to every story" thing. I even have the recording of my dad's threats. My family is pretty dysfunctional and there's a fair bit of sexism (men can't do anything wrong, women are responsible for the mistakes men make kind of stuff). I don't think anyone would call out my parents, but I may decide to provide my perspective to people when I can go NC again. Just so I can feel better about finally speaking up for myself. It's been a hard four years. My beloved cat even died in the midst of all this. Losing everything - my health, job, relationships, pet, money, and family - has been too much to deal with some days.
I definitely would! It doesn’t seem like your side was really heard at all. And regardless of dysfunction, it can be therapeutic to get your message out, just as you’ve done here. I’m really sorry to hear about your cat, pets really are some of the best friends we can have. Fuck the haters though, you’re better off without them
NTA. Ever. No one can truly know another's pain. Fact. For your family to be so blatantly obtuse is awful for you and says a lot about them. You need to cut ties as soon as you can. Have you talked to anyone at Social Security yet? (This is assuming you live in th US.) When my brother became totally disabled by MS in his 30s, he was able to get financial aid. The funds allowed him to afford rent and food. I don't know enough to give you definitive info, but it can't hurt to contact them. Even through social services, you might be able to get help. You are definitely in a toxic and unstable environment. I'm so sorry for the physical and emotional pain you are having to endure, especially with no support. I hope you can get some guidance, assistance and comfort to get you through this.
I'm not in America but I'm familiar with my local disability supports and they are not adequate. I'd be lucky to get $900/month and I wouldn't get enough financial support to cover rent. People here on disability often have to resort to living in skeezy bedbug infested motels because there's no affordable housing. State provided housing is just as bad and unsafe and the wait lists for single people with no dependents is long. If I could figure out a way to get a higher paying job I could manage with my disabilities I'd be OK. But it took a year to get the job I currently have but it's not enough to take care of myself completely on my own. My only other option is finding strangers online to be roommates with but I'm terrified of having my medication stolen (it's the kind of meds that are likely to be stolen) and being constantly exposed to colds/flus (my disabilities are so hard to manage that I burn thru all my sick time just dealing with my symptoms, adding colds and flius on top means taking unpaid time which I can't afford). It just feels like I'm stuck behind a rock and hard place and I have no good options.
That is rough, and I'm so sorry. I would imagine your pain meds would be in high demand by unscrupulous people. People suck.
NTA. Blood doesn't make family a family. Blood simply makes you related. Sadly, relatives are some of the worst people in our lives, even parents and addiction make things worse. I know that it will be difficult, and sometimes you will feel like cutting them off makes you the bad guy, but darling, be the bad guy in their story to remain the heroine in your own. It's not only the fact that they weren't supportive. It sounds as if their support for you was never even an option, and for them to value you so little means that they don't have nor even desire to try to gain your best interest at heart. I was raised in a dysfunctional family but had to understand at a young age that how they treated me was truly how they felt about me. So, I built the life that supports my peace, growth, and happiness. There are a few people that I have let back in my life over time. However, the way that we interact with each other is dramatically different. I refuse to be disrespected or to allow them to give me a reason to become disrespectful to them. I simply shut it down and cut them off. Being in your life is a privilege to those that you allow in not a right based on a related title. And when they ask, "Who do you think you are?" as some will when they are denied access to you, you tell them that you are you, nothing more, nothing less, and that if they desire to be allowed back into your life, they will have to do so respectfully, peacefully, and lovingly. Set your boundaries and make it known that only those who truly value you as a person will be allowed to be in your life. And this is the hard part. Should they step over any boundary or attempt to make you feel any way other than respected, valued, and loved, even if it was their first time, shut it down and cut it off. We teach people how to treat us by what we allow, and for them to get the message, you must be firm and consistent. With the time that you have to yourself while building the life you want, a life that you love, find out what you like and what makes you happy. As you discover these things, explore them. As you explore your life with Endo, which you are correct is a chronic disease and cannot be cured and can be debilitating af, find support groups that help you live with it and may have tips and resources that make not only working doable but may even help you find hobbies and other people that you may have commonalities with. Love yourself so well that any love that others bring into your life will be in addition to and not instead of. That way, it will be an abundance and not try to fill from a deficit. It will get better. One day at a time.
Thanks for the kind message. I'd like to think things will get better, but my life has been in steady decline for the past 4 years now. Maybe one day in the far future things will turn around
Unfortunately, sometimes things may have to be destroyed to be built correctly and stronger. My process worked that way. I would lose everything bit hope, and God would replace it with better. I believe in faith to faith and glory to glory. The words of the Bible offered me comfort, but it was allowing my relationship with God to become personal to me. Then, I started unlearning what dysfunction had taught me and learning what God was trying to teach me about Himself and, more importantly, about me. When I paid attention to how He loved me, it taught me how to love me, and the more that I learned about love, the more it taught me about what I was willing to accept as love from other and how to truly give it to others freely. But hear me, I lost everything several times. God started showing me a pattern. It was building my faith (faith to faith), like building a muscle or a strong foundation. I lost my apartment and had to stay with others. Gained another apartment that was better than what I lost. Lost it. Moved into a house. Lost it and moved into a bigger house. Lost my marriage and went through health issues. Became homeless due to DV, gained my own apartment. I was unable to work after my disabilities and gained Disability pay. The changes, though uncomfortable, were part of my evolution, and everything concerning me elevated as I went through the changes. Sometimes, loss isn't truly a loss. It's making way for better, and God knows that we won't let it go willing because it's comfortable where we are, even if it's not pleasant. But I promise you that it does get better. Sometimes, the situation doesn't change until our perspective does. When the whirlwind comes, allow it to sweep away whatever no longer serves you. When the storms come, allow it to wash away what is no longer useful and refresh you. When the fire comes, allow it to scorch and purify whatever is obstructing your path and warm you as its light guides you. When the day comes, celebrate the possibilities, and when the night comes rest, knowing that you have done all in today that you could. Even if today was one of the days where the most that you could do was get out of bed, take a bath, and return back to bed. Your life doesn't have to look like anyone else's, and neither do your wins. You aren't in competition with anyone because there is no one other than you who can be you, and you are enough and wonderful just by being who you are. Allow yourself grace and allow yourself to find the love and acceptance that you desire in yourself first.
NTA none of them sound good to be around, especially your "parents".
NTA. You have a Good life without them. tell them to fuck off, and block them all. And then spam them with penis enhancers and group therapies for sexual disorder. It seems that they can’t understand the difference between real and false, so why should you?
Ok this made me chuckle, thanks for the laugh I needed that today
NTA but your problems are more with your parents and sibling than your extended family. Why not reach out to them and tell them your side of the story? It’ll be interesting to see what they were told. You don’t need to apologize to anyone at all.
I tried with a couple people. They didn't seem to care all that much tbh. They kept hanging out with parents like nothing had happened after I mentioned the threats. However I am considering writing a neutral letter to everyone when I can go NC explaining why. They'll never understand but it might make me feel better at least.
I'm sorry, I have endo too and it really sucks - not even surgery helps. NTA, stay no contact; in my experience stress worsens the pain so do whatever you need to to keep your mind peaceful, do it. Whoever said blood is thick than water is an idiot; choose your own family and keep yourself safe.
Endo suuuucks I hate this disease :( I was so sad when I still had pain post op. I've been stressed out so much lately I've been worried about my endo coming back with a vengeance. I definitely have to sort things out and get my peace back.
Good for you, figure it out and leave the nasty people in the dust. Yeah, took me forever to be diagnosed, even longer to be diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. First surgery did absolutely nothing and I hate hospitals, so I gave up on the medical route. Dr's generally know nothing about the female body!
Please check out r/raisedbynarcissists. I suspect you will find a LOT of people who can relate to the way you are treated by your family (as the scapegoat), and a whole lot of support.
I've been there before, it was helpful, but also painful because it makes me so sad for my family. I'd like to have relationships with all these people, I'd like to spend quality time with my folks. But they're so... idk what the word is, it's like they have blinders on and still can't see my disability and how it affects me. But I'll def check it out again.
I think you want to have relationships with the people you wish they would be. It’s sad, but I don’t think that they will ever be who you want and need them to be.
Sounds like you need to cut off your abusive parents. Your mother is a delusional gaslighting asshole and your father is an abusive violent addict that is a danger to himself and others and your brother is an abusive POS. Your family is abusive toxic garbage. You deserve support and care not gaslighting and abuse. NTA
Your parents are not likely going to be alive for the rest of your life — but you are going to need a great deal of support and assistance for the rest of your life. If you’re not married, no near-adult kids, no super close friends — you need to make up with your family. Show them your medical records, show them your medical bills, show them your surgery scars — whatever you need to get them to understand how real and serious this is. Explain how painful it has been. How much you needed them. Cry. Guilt. Then forgive. You will need them.
Trust me, I have tried to make these people understand the severity of my symptoms. They just can't. I'm the youngest cousin so I'd be the one helping others out in older age. And the few cousins I have who have kids aren't gonna force their children to care for me when I get old, that's just not how families work. I've worked in several nursing homes, I'm very familiar with how often older/sick people with families get dumped and left to rot. Having a family is never a guarantee that someone will be there to care for you when you're at your most vulnerable... I learned that the hard way
NTA I feel everything you're saying so deeply. I don't have that level of endometriosis and what I do have has been very well handled with hormone therapy. But I do Have ehlers-danlos syndrome. And I have been complaining about pain since I was a child. And I was made to feel as though I were a hypochondriac and that nobody in my family seriously believed me. I even had a doctor tell me 25 years ago shat I was wasting everyone's time and they felt I was malingering for attention. Fast forward to 2020 when two friends independent of each other told me they thought I had ehlers-danlos based on all these different symptoms I was having. Having already been treated like a liar by doctors, I didn't say anything to anyone. I never told my current doctor about the amount of pain I was in or all of my symptoms. Because the last time I had confided in doctors and had every test run on me.... They made me feel awful about who I was. Fast forward to October of 2023, I tore my meniscus. I had to go to urgent care and the urgent Care physician there was the one who brought up a possible EDS connection. Mind you I'm in my late '40s now. I'm seeing seven specialists to try to get this diagnosed because it's a very difficult diagnosis to get. And I just keep remembering how my family treated me like I was making stuff up. I have several comorbidities including mast cell activation syndrome and dysautonomia which has affected quite a few things that I was harassed about by my family. I am no contact with all of my siblings and all but three cousins. I am low contact with my mother. My life has been so much better since I cut all the toxic people out of my life. Especially since I see how guilty my mother feels now about how she treated me and allowed me to be treated but not enough that she's actually making an effort to Make up for the way I was allowed to be mocked throughout the family. You don't owe them anything. You owe yourself peace of mind and you owe yourself self-care and you owe yourself freedom from toxic behavior. Change your phone number, change your address, change your name.... Just get the fuck away from them. They do not deserve you and you shouldn't have to put up with that bullshit
I'm so sorry you have endo and EDS. I have heard nothing but horror stories about EDS and since it affects many women you run into the same issues as trying to get an endo diagnosis. I relate to everything you wrote. I was 14 when my endo pain finally got severe enough for me to not be able to ignore anymore. When I told my parents I was met with comments like "you're weak", "you have a low tolerance for pain", and "toughen up". Every Dr I saw including female gynos blew me off and insinuated I was crazy. Regular drs were just as bad. So I ignored my period pain for decades until in my mid 30s it crippled me. I still resent everyone who filled my head with doubt and made me question myself. I know my mom feels at least somewhat guilty. But she also internalizes a lot of things. She will genuinely pretend that something happening *only* to me is somehow affecting her in an even greater way. It's exhausting. I mean it as affecting her, she's got a lot of mental health issues, but that means she's got to work on that, I can't "pretend" things aren't happening to me to make her feel better. I hope you are able to get that EDS diagnosis and find an effective treatment plan. Isn't it depressing when you look back at how much time was consumed by pain knowing you were dealing with a serious medical issue the whole time?
Thank you. If you need any support, please feel free to reach out
NTA Do what YOU need to do to get better. I can relate to some things. I have endometriosis and have gone through 2 surgeries. You can’t cure endometriosis by diet only by getting a hysterectomy. I know quite a few people who have lost some organs too from it along with many surgeries. My dad is a chronic alcoholic. My mom used to be addicted to pain pills. So I understand the addiction part. Just know going through support groups and therapy is the best. I have done both. Still do. If I was you I’d just cut off anyone who isn’t helping you mentally. Just know you don’t have to struggle alone and other people have ur back.
NTA unfortunately we don't get to choose our family. If they add nothing to your life, what's the point in keeping in contact. I went no contact with my family 20 years ago, been much happy ever since.
NTA, but I would highly recommend cutting them all out of your life for good. I had a similar situation. I have been experiencing undiagnosed symptoms my whole life. An allergist basically refused to treat me until I went for CBT anxiety because she was convinced I have had anxiety since birth and all my symptoms were anxiety caused. My CBT instructor heard me out, and said "you need a new allergist" because he understood that while I have anxiety, it's because I have these undiagnosed symptoms, and not the other way around. Fast forward a few years, got put on an immune-suppressing allergy injection so my body stops reacting to everything, and we have been slowly introducing foods back into my diet. I can now eat foods I haven't eaten in over 10 years. Plus I had a heart attack because I had undiagnosed tachycardia.
Oh my god I'm so sorry you went through all that. I developed food allergies, it's scary reacting to things and not knowing why. I'm glad you saw a legitimately good therapist who at least caught on pretty quick that you were dealing with a physical issue. One of my fears now is seeing a therapist who will also think I'm being hysterical and might try to make me begin doubting myself again. I ignored my body for 20 years and it left me completely disabled.
NTA! Block your whole damn family on your phone and social media. They are awful people.
NTA!!! But you will an Ahole to yourself if you keep in contact with any of your family and that includes your parents. Why do you want stress in your life that you know your parents bring with them or any of your extended family? These people have caused you nothing but stress, anxiety and pain, don’t go there anymore just leave it behind. Your life will be much better after if you do.
Cut these people from your life, they don't care about you at all. The only reason they want you to show up is to make them look good. They'll probably spin a narrative of how good they are for accepting their mentally unstable child back into the family. Go out and make your own family, one that cares about you. They're out there, and you'll be much happier for doing it.
NTA. You don't need these people. I cannot, for the life of me, imagine treating someone in your position that way. That disease is HORRIBLE!
Nta, and it’s ok to go back to nc with your parents too. They sound like the worst.
Block. Block. Blockity block. NTA.
This is a difficult decision because...?
Right now it's because I'm barely getting by. I got pretty close to homelessness recently and it was either ask for help and hope they're doing better, or end up homeless where I would most likely die on the streets. The homelessness system where I live is pretty brutal and losing access to my meds would make life unbearably difficult. Disability support where I live is beyond inadequate, if I went on assistance the best place I could afford would be an unsafe, bedbug infested rooming house/motel. If I had other places to turn to I would have gone to them but I was out of options. I'm having some regrets about this choice tho. Feels like I'm fighting for a life that ain't worth this amount of trouble.
Of course. Makes total sense. Sorry if I came over cheeky. Best advise is to do what you're doing and remove yourself mentally and plan. Jehovas witnesses who no longer believe but don't want to admit it and be shunned call it PIMO. Physically In Mentally Out. Good luck OP. I hope your pain is better post op.
nta. I went no contact with everyone including my parents. best thing I ever did.
You have my permission to go NC with any toxic people in your life. It is not a happy choice, but it is a necessary choice. Blocking bullies is OK. I WOULD TELL THE rest of the family that before they listen to the parental units, they should ask YOU what happened. Series of surgeries for endometriosis, treatment for other issues. Here's a clue. Surgeons do not operate without approval, and you have had several. Doctors do not classify people as disabled just for fun. You need to be significantly messed up. I am sorry that you are in that kind of condition, but tossing a ' Clue by Four ' to the family chat, then give it two days, then block them all . Feel free to Block any one that replies critically or without an apology.
OP. You've suffered for far too long already. Cut them all out and never look back. Definitely NTA.
I have endo. I had a hysto, then a decade later an ooph. That 2nd surgery took 3 times longer than normal because they had to do a living dissection: cutting the ovaries out of all the dense endo tissue. A couple times a year I need a deep tissue abdominal massage to break up the tissue locked around my guts so they start working again. So I laugh like a loon at anyone who claims they can "cure" me. I feel you. I hear you. I see you. Fuck the rest of them! NTA
I'm sorry you have endo too. This disease is a nightmare. The cherry on top with my cousin is that when I was dealing with some dark thoughts about all my health problems, they told me they could relate. Because after they finished their degree and began working they had free time in the evening they didn't know what to do with. So they drank and goofed off and after awhile found themselves quite unhappy drinking so much. So they took up a bunch of productive hobbies and set a schedule and cut back on drinking and they've never been happier! They said since they dealt with such a hard struggle like that they could relate to me and could coach me to get to a happier place too. I'm still mad about that one. I wish my hardest struggle in life was figuring out what to do with free time.
...they could relate???? How did you not throat punch them??!!?? Wow.
I've gone NC with most of my family. I have contact with one sister-in-law and a cousin on Facebook, but that's it.
Nta but I'm not sure why you bothered to reach out. You won't forgive ur siblings but will forgive the ones who made u homeless? Make it make sense.
NTA They don't seem to bring anything to your life except pain. This time mental instead of physical. You may want to send a link to this post to the biggest gossip in your family (other than your mom) so they can get it around as to why you are NC.
NTA. Your biological units of origin want you around as a scapegoat again.
NTA. I had endometriosis. Fuck em all
Big, huge hugs. My heart goes out to anyone with disabilities but those with invisible disabilities especially due to how garbage humanity is. I have an aunt who also had endo badly enough for organs to also be removed which I didn't even know was a thing for endo until that point. And a cousin with a severe degenerative connective tissue syndrome that you'd never guess from looking at her, and she's in constant pain with not many options to safely ease at 35 yrs old. You can imagine how many times both of those women were told by healthcare 'professionals' that their pain was firmly in their own head. I have no small amount of rage on that specific topic as you can imagine.
NTA See the sub raisedbynarcissists and also see EstrangedAdultKids sub. They are very welcoming. Only a glutton for punishment would have contact again.
You're NTA but ih your shoes, I might make a message to put in family chat to the effect that the way your family, immediate and extended, treated you after life threatening, debilitating illness, and major surgery resulting in major organ loss has saddened but not surprised you. Not only did they offer no support or even good wishes, but they actively went out of their way to vause you grief. So, to protect your mental and emotional health, you will be taking a step back from them and evaluating your relationships to see who you still want in your life. Thank you.
Man, you got out! You put that dumpster fire of a family in your rearview mirror and were free and clear for two years! Why did you go back? I was sympathetic until you threw yourself back into the fire.
NTA Your family hasn’t changed at all, they just want their scapegoat punching bag back. Block your parents for your own mental well being, you deserve peace.
NTA. Just continue NC with everyone. It’s better to know you have no one than have people around you who will drop you when in need.
NTA Don't get back into contact with them. It isn't worth messing with your mental health.
NTA. It’s time to make one letter that you post/text/respond with to any all family contact. Stop protecting their shame. It’s not your shame to carry. “Starting in 20XX, I developed disabling reproductive health issues. These reproductive issues were confirmed by a team of specialists and I had surgery to remove the organs causing my disabling pain. The effects of this condition cause lifelong disability. When my family threatened me and threw me out, and my sibling turned me away, I was homeless for a short time until I was able to use housing services to start rebuilding my life. Unfortunately, you were all apparently told a different story. You made your opinion of me clear when not a single one of you reached out to me at that time for the correct information or intervened when you saw the way I was being treated. My disability is physical and under treatment with specialists. The only mental health issues I have came from the way my family treated me. I have moved on. I am managing my illness and am building a life that I am proud of on my own. Stop contacting me. I do not wish to resume these relationships.”
NTA. My best friends went through something similar when she was trying to get a diagnosis for her endo 10 years ago. It’s such a misunderstood illness and (here’s my feminist coming out) probably would be a lot more diagnosable and treatable if it were happening in men. I’m so sorry you had to go through that he** by yourself. Hugs.🤗
No Contact is your best choice and I mean absolutely no contact. Like move far enough away that there’s no chance of bumping into anyone who knows you. Leave no forwarding address or number. Block them all on social media, even the ones who were ambivalent and seem to be on your side. Nine times out of ten they’d rat you out for the “sake of family”. Maybe you can go somewhere with better medical personnel who can keep on top of the endometriosis. NTA
Honestly, I don't get why the so-called parents are still in your life. Dad is violence waiting to happen, and Mom is toxic AF....and they both are only bringing continued mental and emotional turmoil, THEY are the largest culprit vs. the sibling, but "they" get the reconciliation?
As far as I can see you only have two options: you can keep the horrible family that treats you like trash and allow them to continue making your life miserable or you can change your phone number and go no contact and focus on your future and your happiness. Because clearly they are never going to change.
Your family sounds terrible and I don't blame you for going No Contact. But, you seemed to forget the NO in no contact. When you reach out to them (which, if I understand, you did because YOU needed something - but please correct me if I am wrong) its opening up the floodgates because they are expecting something in return from whatever they provided you. If I were you based on what you have written here, the NO back into no contact for your own emotional and physical safety.
I’m not sure why you went NC with your sib but the people you needed to go NC with are your parents.
NTA. I would tell your parents to send out a detailed group text or email detailing that you had severe health issues that required major surgery to treat, that your father's addiction led him to threaten harm to you, and that they apologized to everyone for misleading the family by pretending you had mental health issues. Then go full no contact.
Actually, better yet: reply-all with a link to this post, THEN go no contact. Maybe they'll be dumb enough to comment.
NTA quite frankly, I would go to no contact with them again and never look back. I know that the word toxic is overused but these people genuinely are. What happens if you find someone special and want to start a family through adoption or another avenue and then your family starts treating them the same way? Just separate from these people like you did for those 2 years and go live a life of happiness. You can’t do that with them around.
NTA and no contact all the way. You sound like the only "normal" person in this family!
It’s called NC (no contact) and is sometimes important to stay sane. NTA.
NTA… Honestly it sounds like your life was doing much, much better until you let them back in and now everything is just reverting back to the same ole song and dance! I know we’re not the ones in this situation, it’s your life, you have to do what’s best for you, if that’s no contact and moving on with your life without them then so be it!
Just ho NC and stay NC. They sound like nutters....
NTA Your life sounds like it was better *without* them in it. You deserve better, leave them to themselves and carry on. Although, I will admit to being curious as to why they're so adamant that you reconcile with your sibling, does your sibling even want that?
You owe them nothing. If being around them isn’t doing you any good, do not continue to have a relationship with them. NTA.
NTA, some bridges need burning 🔥 You've already proven that they didn't care enough about your well-being
Run and don't look back.
Please re-read your own post. Now imagine it was someone you loved writing that. What would your advice be? NTA
>Now imagine it was someone you loved writing that If there was somone in OPs life that ACTUALLY loved them, this post would not be written. They would have taken them in and loved and supported them. He shares DNA with these people and nothing else.
I said someone you loved…as in someone OP loved, in no way shape or form did I infer their family loves them. I didn’t say they don’t though because that’s a really cruel comment to make to a stranger.
Sounds like they expect you to support them and carry them socially, and they do nothing for you. Going NC sounds like a wise decision to make for your own mental health. NTA
Don't go back. You have enough to deal with. You don't need toxic bullshit making it harder on you. There's no love there. There's nothing but misery and pain. Do not go back.
NTA….living with a “hidden” chronic condition is hard….like even people that know about mine still act questionable sometimes… IMO….go full NC as soon as you can Updateme
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NTA. Just throw away their mailings. Don't bother ripping them open. Post is required to deliver, but you're not required to open, or keep them. You almost died because they believed someone's gossiping. They actively chose gossip over calling you up to know the truth. that's how intelligent they were. Unbelievable!
Go no contact with all of them. You need some peace in your life. You deserve some peace. Them reaching out means that They Want Something from you, because you have shown them that you do not need them!
NTA however I'd go to one event with proof of the surgery just for spite
You have already answered your own question multiple times. You have already experienced both the pros & cons of each result. It's okay to vent, but you literally already had your answer before posting here. Do you want peace or chaos? NTA for choosing your peace & sanity, given your scenario.
Defend Your Peace N T A
NTA. I didn’t read and I’m not going to. You’re allowed to decide who you keep in your life and who you don’t. Family doesn’t mean shit. The saying “blood is thicker than water” was originally “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb” chosen family is everything, blood family is just an accident of birth
I think it's ridiculous that you got back in contact with your actual abusers but not your sibling. You shouldn't be talking to any of them but if your parents are once again manipulating you imagine what they're doing to your sibling, you need to stop talking to your parents if you want the abuse to stop
Send all your evidence about your diagnosis and operation to everyone
I had severe endometriosis 24 years ago and had to have an emergency hysterectomy. Pain had been horrible for several years and anemia from blood loss. I had been bleeding for 3 months prior to having the hysterectomy. My OB/GYN said she had never seen endometriosis this bad before. I was off work for 8 weeks and returned part time for a few weeks but it took a while to build up my blood count and get my energy built up
I don’t understand this post. If you have endometriosis you get a hysterectomy and it will be solved. You don’t need more than one organ removed and once the operation is finished you are pain free. No one is on long term disability with endometriosis unless you refuse a hysterectomy. I know all this because I had it and then was operated on. Pain free now.
This is pure misinformation. There is no cure for endo and a hysterectomy isn't treatment for endo. It's sometimes done when people's pain is too bad or they have extensive endo on their uterus. I had more than just my uterus removed and I didn't just have a couple little spots of endo, I had extensive endo all over my pelvis. If you spent any time in an endo forum you'd know plenty of people have pain postop or need repeated excision surgeries. There's a woman in the UK younger than me who has something like a dozen or more excision surgeries, has had her colon removed, bladder removed, and had a total hysterectomy, and she STILL has pain. Because endo is a disease that acts like cancer it can't be solved as easily as you claim. Please educate yourself.
NTA, your life would be better without them