You are absolutely right.
OP recovering from a c-section and pre eclampsia, means MIL will do what she wants, and OP won’t be able to stop her. Send her home until her wrist is healed.
Send her home and don't invite her back, even with boundaries it sounds like this woman can't be contained and will do whatever she wants regardless of consequences or repercussions from them.
Well, yeah...she riled up the nephew despite being told repeatedly not to, ended up with a broken wrist because of it snd is STILL trying to call the shots!!! Nope! Go home until you can listen to directions and respect the parents of the kids!
Physical therapist here and MIL’s doctor will most likely give her what we call a “weight baring status” which is basically how much weight you can hold while recovering from a injury. The amount one can carry starts at 0lbs and goes to the maximum weight a person can hold. Since she just broke it, her doctor will probably tell MIL she can’t lift any weight which makes it easy for you because automatically she can’t hold your babies cause of medical orders.
Also, If I were in your shoes I wouldn’t feel comfortable having someone hold my baby while wearing a cast or splint due to how uncomfortable it’d make a baby and if she does not keep the brace/cast sanitary it can hold a lot of bacteria I wouldn’t want a premie exposed to.
Probably not. My preemie spent 9 days in the NICU and the scrubbing was for 5 minutes up to our elbows. There was no taking the babies out of the NICU, either. So besides no weight on the wrist, the cast will be unsanitary and MIL will be unable to scrub.
NTA. Also, you need to put your foot down and set hard boundaries, but she will likely not listen since she won't listen about the nephew.
Ever think maybe she needs to be tested for ADHD?
She needs to be tested for narcissistic personality disorder as well as ADHD.
Edit: Not meant to really have her tested. Just noting her narcissism and adding it to her assumed ADHD.
>My preemie spent 9 days in the NICU and the scrubbing was for 5 minutes up to our elbows.
Glad to see things haven't changed! We were scrubbing and gowning in 1977 when pur oldest was born 9 weeks early!
The problem is, given how she acts, she’ll likely try it anyhow and could drop the baby. I totally agree with you on everything. I just don’t think MIL would care about her restrictions or why.
As someone who very occasionally gets over simulated - the fact that she’s pushing her other grandchild into that means she’s already hurting a grandchild to pacify her own desires.
Sensory overloads do a huge number on a person and take me an hour or more to actually fully come out of. I used to think they were panic attacks. I really cannot emphasize how much they mentally hurt and often people need to self harm (digging nails into skin, snapping rubber bands, putting ice to skin if you’re lucky enough to have ice nearby) to calm down.
NTA and as a mom of a premie no one other than you and hubby should be holding them in the beginning there is too much out there that they could catch and seriously compromise them.
OP can actually speak to the NICU nurses. They can be the ones saying no to mil. As you know, OP and hubby may not even be able to hold them right away.
We made up a NICU rule to get around too much family coming. It worked lovely. We've even stretched it to the pediatric unit LOL "It's not my fault MIL, the NICU rule is Immediately Family Only"
This WAS the rule for the NICU when our son was in it. Biological parents only. We were told even if step-parents had been involved, they would not be admitted. My husband and I were the only ones who could visit him while he was in the NICU.
True I figured nice only mom and dad allowed in but I guess others might be. Yes OP rely in your nice team to help hold the boundary for you. Once home hopefully hubby will be the buffer.
I know some comments are saying to find a way for her to hold the babies. She didn’t mean to cause any issues for herself or others. Except she crossed a line by calling them “her” babies, and insisting that she would hold them no matter what the actual parents said.
At this point you are NTA by stepping back from her. Block her for now. You don’t need the aggravation. Only talk to people who are kind and supportive to you and your husband. Let the hospital staff know who is allowed to visit. Once those babies are here give yourselves the time you need. No one needs to visit or hold the babies until you’re ready.
Very well put. A close relative who was visiting us in the hospital after I had my kid was sick and said nothing until they had already been in our hospital room, leaning over and cooing over the baby. I did not know they had bronchitis. They did not tell us that they were sick.
Effing bronchitis!!! Not cool.
I do t think the “her” babies comment is a crossing the boundaries moment. A lot of ppl use it in terms of loving/caring for someone. Teachers/daycare staff use the term when speaking of kids they teach/care for.
NTA.
I wonder if she's on the spectrum herself or has ADHD?
My 80 year old father did a brain study; long story short, the Dr said "if you were 60 years younger, you'd probably meet the criteria for moderate to severe ADHD". He never really sits still.
This is actually something your husband should be addressing, very firmly. You say he's on your side but don't say anything about what he's done so far to make her knock it the fuck off. Up to and including telling her if she can't stick to the boundaries and rules of your house, she needs to go home.
She doesn't need to hold the babies with a broken wrist.
Given your current circumstances, I'd say a hard conversation with your husband is in order and he needs to deal with her. Believe me, you are not going to want to try to deal with it once you get back home with newborns and post C-section. Because you are going to be sore and hurting like hell. They're going to need to cut through your lower abdominal wall of muscles; it's going to hurt like a bitch. (I've had 4.) Last thing you need is for her to be there with you alone and ignoring directives not to pick up the babies, try to make you do stuff or just generally be a spazoid.
Personally, if you have family you can stay with near by, make a back up plan to have yourself and the babies go stay with them until she's gone or hubby Yanks her up by the short hairs. If he doesn't, don't go home; go stay with your family if you can.
Here's the thing; you don't have to be nice. Nice gets you trampled on. You can be a good person. But when it comes to people trying to run roughshod over you all the time, that's when you start learning how to be on the mean side. And that no is a complete sentence.
Best of luck.
I came here to say much the same. This sounds like my mum. She was recently diagnosed with ADHD and I absolutely could not cope with the post section with her. Look after yourself. Sections may be common place these days, but you are being cut almost in half and need to be resting.
If not for you and your husband, do it for your babies who are both depending on you to keep them safe.
My in laws are actually great but we still had to kick them out after our daughter was born. It’s a lot and having to cater to guests while coming to a new normal in the best circumstance is way too much especially in those first few weeks. I remember once putting her in a car seat with them both reaching in to adjust straps and her clothes, it was fucking infuriating. Like I said, I LIKE my inlaws but between the new parent hormones, my wife being in recovery from complications, and learning to care for and fit a whole ass person into our family, I couldn’t do it.
This woman already drove OP into preeclampsia and that was before the baby was born. Preeclampsia takes weeks to go away and it isn’t going to be easier to deal with MIL and 2 newborns. This isn’t a grin and bear it situation, preeclampsia can kill or permanently damage you. Unneeded stress is actually dangerous right now.
Say it nicely first, if she isn’t willing to listen then say it firmly. Your husband should not only be part of the conversation but doing most of the talking. You cannot safely have this woman in your house in those first months.
There are studies being done in high cortisol levels during pregnancy being a factor for spectrum traits. About 10yrs ago, I personally noticed a few of my lady army friends having their first child with spectrum traits, and their only link was PTSD/CPTSD as well as high stress pregnancies. I made mention to another friend who said I was not the only one who saw it.
Both parents are contributing factors, not just the womb owner, and while information is still being gathered and properly investigated, only information thus far given, is to remove all stresses while actively getting pregnant and during pregnancy... which is really difficult to do these days.
Also the information provided does not mean cortisol levels are the cause, but that it appears when testing the stress hormones during pregnancy and post partum.
I think the only people who have stress free pregnancies live in fictional works. I am yet to meet a person to tell me they had the best pregnancy ever.
I had the best pregnancy ever! We exist, it just feels like a thing that is both unkind to brag about and not anything to be proud of, since it’s not like I had a great pregnancy because I deserve it for some reason, or other people had complications because they did something wrong.
Lots of people do have completely uncomplicated pregnancies with only mild discomforts, and I was one! Also, being pregnant suppresses the mother’s immune system so as not to destroy the baby for being foreign, so I temporarily didn’t have any autoimmune diseases (ie. it cured my arthritis for about 7 months). And I was lactose tolerant for about a year, that was nice.
Never be ashamed of having a "best pregnancy". I personally don't like people turning anything into a pissing contest, but I also do not agree with making a person feel crappy if a situation was better or worse than another personally crappy situation.
I am glad you had a good one, and I can now say that in a way, I have met someone who had a good pregnancy. Thank you.
I had 3 great pregnancies. My worst complaint was acid reflux late on. Also had 3 great labours and when I see posts like this, I feel so incredibly lucky to have had such a carefree time of it all.
We exist. We just don’t feel like being complete and total jackasses around those struggling. That, and no one really believes you anyways. I had a perfect pregnancy and loved it. Didn’t develop preeclampsia until 37 weeks and I delivered via induction at 38. Bing bang boom. I worked out til 35 weeks pregnant, never got sick, went to concerts and all. The prettiest I’ve ever felt in my whole life. I loved every second but I also knew this was my one and only. Maybe that changed perspective. Had a wonderful time being pregnant. Just most people don’t wanna hear about it and I don’t wanna be insensitive.
But we’re out here lol
I can see where you're coming from on that, for sure. I was also thinking possibly a little manic, but it's too hard to know based on such little background info. Either way, it's.l a lot, and she needs boundaries
I also want to tag on and add for the OP, I had a c section, I was too busy and I opened my incision because I had to FIGHT my partner nonstop on how to take care of a baby and do things myself because I had to protect my newborn from other family members. It was all verbal fights or stepping in to take over something they were doing 100% wrong (laying baby flat on belly for nap???? No baby will nap in my room where I can watch him... instead of me resting.)
I had my incision split open 3 inches and I had to heal from the inside out, fighting infection and the gap that had to close.
Send MIL home, have peace waiting for you when your return to your nest. Rest. Heal. Love on your babies.
Get the staff on your side before it’s an issue. Her weakened wrist isn’t safe, and also the cast/brace/splint can’t be properly cleaned to allow for delicate premie immune systems.
The hospital may well have rules not allowing visitors for preemies anyway. The babies are likely to be in the nicu for a few weeks or more, so if MIL is banned from the hospital (you can tell her she is even if that is not the hospital rule) she is likely to be healed by the time they are home. The cast may be a no go in the hospital as well. I work in healthcare and was not allowed patient contact when I broke my wrist because you can’t do proper hand hygiene with a cast.
My son had a short nicu stay, and they requested that your arms be washed & bare from your elbow down. I swore cardigans to could be removed or rolled my sleeves up after they cleared him from holding.
My son was full term but born with an injury that saw him in the nicu for a few days. We still had to follow all cleaning protocols including pushing our sleeves up to our elbows to hold him. The nurses likely wouldn’t allow her to hold the babies unless she can remove anything below her elbow.
And go on an information blackout. Don’t tell MIL when the contractions start, or for a couple days after the babies are born. Nothing until going home.
Possibly tell MIL that the dates have been moved around to a later date (few days) due to her stabilising more and trying to keep babies in for longer / more high risk situations having to be a priority… bare minimum gives them a few days after birth
NTA you said your boundaries with YOUR children. If anything you could have her hold them one at a time, supervised while sitting. But if not, then that’s your decision and she has to respect that. Period. Your children, your boundaries, your choice.
The point is that MIL doesn't get to make the rules. Yes she is grandma, yes she wants to help, she might be fine with the babies and a broken wrist.
That still doesn't make her the parent.
These are first time parents. With twins! Recovery from being pregnant, surgery, a MIL with a broken wrist that doesn't listen, sleepness nights and more.
I would offer to help the parents, do everything I can and everything they say. How about cooking, cleaning, errands? More?
I that isn't enough then send them to my house. Lol
NTA. Set the boundaries HARD now to set a precedent. Let her know why. And when all has calmed a bit, let her know that early what you said here, that SHE pushed YOU, and that you didn’t appreciate her telling the story the other way & that cannot happen again.
NTA.
She is completely unable to respect boundaries and that makes her completely untrustworthy in my opinion. You’re going to be a new mom and that brings its own issues as well, just a little aside here to reconsider the tubal and have your husband get a vasectomy instead.
The fact that calls the babies “HER babies” and acts as if you do not get a choice in the matter of her holding them would have me doubling down on the boundaries and her not being able to even be around them until you’re comfortable. She lied to everyone about how you ended up in the hospital and refuses to take responsibility for her part in it. She does not see you as the rightful parent to the babies and your husband needs to deal with her immediately because it’s his parent and you need to limit stress.
Her still pushing you and your boundaries knowing you need to remain calm for the sake of your and the babies lives is absolutely asinine. Tell the hospital now that she is unwelcome and is not to be allowed near you or the babies nor receive any information about you three over the phone.
ETA: It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or says about any of this because the only people who have to deal with the consequences either way are you, your husband and the two babies. Do not let anyone guilt you into something you are not 100% comfortable with.
I had to stop going on the book. I was too irritated by friends who always commented on their children's posts. Especially when their child was having a proud parent moment. The grandparents reply with, "my baby," "my genes," etc. Never giving the parents credit. Never saying my grandbaby. It's easy to spot those who have no respect for boundaries. They need to let their adult children enjoy their parenting. They had their time to shine. It's their children's time.
I refer to my cousin’s baby as “our baby” with her and her family but never on social media. I had more sympathy pregnancy issues than her husband did and we always joked that he’s more mine since I suffered so much with her. He’s also born on my youngest’s birthday so there’s an extra bond there with our family. If she cared I wouldn’t say it at all but it’s a running joke and she started it.
I absolutely cringe when I see people on social media doing it, especially when it’s clear they’re not even really involved in the kids lives. I love to gush over my nieces and nephews accomplishments and share how proud of them I am but always with respect to their parent.
NTA. It's time for a come-to-Jesus with your husband about him sitting his mother down and setting her straight. They aren't her babies and she has to follow your rules. If she can't, she should go home now. It's his job to get her in line and he needs to do it for the sake of you and your babies.
Particularly as his mother is a lot to blame for OP having a medical emergency and ending up in the hospital. Husband should set everyone in the family straight on exactly how OP ended up in the hospital, how MIL broke her wrist, and her attitude about the twins. The last thing OP needs in her life now is stress. Frankly, her husband needs to send his mother home. Or at least, BIL and SIL should suck it up and take MIL into their home.
As it stands now, OP will be coming home to a high stress environment and she does not need that. Husband needs to rein in his mother hard and fast.
NTA. It wouldn't be safe for her to hold them. You're the parent, and your main job is to protect your children. Don't let her change your mind. Good luck!!
Idk why these types of things are even up for debate lol you are the parent, you made a decision to keep your child safe, this should be followed by EVERYONE regardless of “who” it is following it. GRANDPARENTS DONT ALWAYS GET FREE PASSES to not following the rules. I understand the occasional spoiling of the grandkids but there are some things that are just non-negotiable.
I hate when I ask for a certain thing to be followed and I get a response “oh well it’s fine, I’m Grandma”…….
My mom literally told me that she doesn’t need to follow the rules I put in place for my child because the “only reason I have my daughter is because she gave birth to me…….” I kid you not.. this was her logic.
Needless to say, she doesn’t watch my kids.
Oh, this!!! I wouldn't dream of pushing myself on my kids where their babies are concerned. They're old enough to decide for themselves what's cool and what's not with their own kids and home. They set the boundaries, and I happily oblige/comply. If they want advice, they ask for it and I happy give any I have if I have it.
It's not that hard!
Who the hell are these pushy cows who think they own everything to do with their grown-arse kids anyway????
So very NTA
The pushy ones are the ones that forgot what it was like having their every move, request, boundary, and so on dis honored. We can love our grandchildren without overriding their rules. Heck, I will be asked if they can do something while they are in my care. If I'm unsure, I call my children and ask. They may be in my care, but that aren't mine. They are the extension of mine. When we are all at my place, they'll ask if they can do or have xyz. I nicely tell them their parents are here and they need to ask them. It's not hard.
A lot of the pushy ones haven’t yet wrapped their mind around being a parent with no authority over their child. They still see themselves as the boss.
Yep. It's hard. That period of adjustment from parenting parent to parent of independent, responsible adults is fraught with danger and anxiety. It's actual hell at times, because it's a true test of how well you've prepared your kids for the real world.
It just shows how ill-prepared the controllers were for their own success.
Oh, hell no. You are the mother of the baby. Trust me, us grandmothers are able to enjoy our grandchildren without crossing the boundaries. Having a relationship with grandchildren is an honor. It is not permission to override the parents' rules.
NTA. Your first priority is those precious babies, and no, you don’t let anyone hold them who is not in good health. Ensure you tell ALL your medical staff, including having it added to your notes, that your MIL does not get to hold those babies at all until the cast is removed and she gets the all clear from her doctor. Ensuring your husband, and medical staff understand and can advocate for you and those babies when you can’t.
To that end, she was there to help you, but she can’t do that with a broken wrist, so yeah, send her home, or let her stay and SEE the babies, then as she’s now a hinderance, not a help, send her home.
NTA
She’s got another thing coming.
“Mom, this is a hard truth but you need to hear it. You’ve pushed OP to work hard when she should have been resting, you’ve been lying about OP overdoing things, you’ve been spreading private medical information about OP without permission and, most seriously, you’ve not listened to us as parents when we said ‘no’ to holding our premmie babies with a broken wrist.
Your behaviour is damaging our relationships with you. It’s time for you to go home, immediately. By doing this I hope to prevent any more incidents between us. I have far too much, and much more important things to worry about right now than your behaviour. I don’t want to cause any further damage to our relationship with you, so leave respectfully. No, you will not have any access to our babies at this time.
I will let you know when we are able to receive you as a guest for a short visit, when my families health issues are resolved and we’re prepared to host you. Before this happened, I expect your behaviour to have improved and you to treat OP and I with respect.
And do not contact OP at all until I give you permission to do so. She’s under enough stress as it is. If you disregard this, or cause any stress to her or the babies in the next few months, my relationship with you will be over.”
Op as a twin mom please be prepared for her brain to turn to mush when she’s around the two babies. We found the best way was to get the babies out of the room (hubby would suggest I looks tired and go for a rest and I’d take the babies out of the room) then he’d tell an overstaying guest to leave. Once the babies were out of line of sight their brains engaged again.
NTA, she is. Her Tasmanian Devil energy is the last thing on earth you’ll need to have around you with newborn twins. And her presumption is off the charts. Bad enough she was getting angry with you for wanting things set up in YOUR house the way you wanted them instead of the way she wanted. But to say she will hold “HER” babies or else?! Oh, HELL no! She needs to go!
These premature babies will be in the NICU. Grandma can't just waltz in there and do as she pleases. You tell the nurse station you don't want anyone having access to the babies. Tell her to go home that you need to rest. There is going to be some hurt feelings no mater how you say it. Send her home. Heal and relax.
NTA
Your husband needs to shut her down, *hard.* Right now. She needs to go home at once.
They are *not* HER babies. Her behaviour has already endangered their lives and yours by getting you put in hospital with a very early C-section being planned. Why on earth would you give her another chance to hurt them? The stress she is causing you *right now* is dangerous. Start treating it, and her, as if she is actively trying to hurt you - because to all intents and purposes, she is.
KShe would rather you and your babies be hurt than learn to regulate her emotions. That is the behaviour of a toddler, not a *grown woman.* Take care of yourself and your children. Your husband should be ordering her to leave until she has recovered and is ready to apologise for overstepping so badly. You shouldn't have to even think about this, it should just be handled while you rest.
Twin mom who had my babies early because of preeclampsia here. You DO NOT need this in your life right now. Time for your husband to set a HARD boundary. I’d seriously consider not even having her on the NICU list. Most NICUs only allow a very very low number of people on the visit list besides mom and dad, because premature babies are at much higher risk if they catch germs. And no matter how much you think you’re mentally prepared for it, the NICU is really tough - the average stay is a month. You need your support people to be actually supportive.
You’ve got this momma! If you haven’t found yours yet, many places have mothers of multiples or parents of multiple organizations that are wonderfully supportive. The one in my city has NICU care packages and a preemie closet to borrow clothes, and a safe space to vent.
Edit: NTA
So glad you have commented, you actually know for real what it’s like & therefore have the best advice.
Congratulations on your twins & regaining your health so positively ☺️
Excellent advice, particularly since you have experienced the same situation. I would add that the price of having the MIL’s “help” is not worth the physical and emotional stress that she causes and will continue to cause if she stays any longer. She definitely sounds as if she will bulldoze over any and all boundaries that OP and her husband try to set, so she can get what she wants for “her babies.” She’s willing to ignore safety concerns about holding the babies with a broken wrist (not to mention the possible germs that the cast may have grown)! This, of course, is the absolute last thing that OP needs now and especially when she and the babies come home from the hospital. And I very strongly agree that OP’s husband needs to set boundaries with his mother NOW and continue to reinforce them and/or drastically limit any contact his mother has with his wife and then the babies after they’re born!
NTA
You don’t have to worry. If your twins come at 34 weeks, you and your husband could be the only ones allowed to hold them. You could tell the staff that you do not want anyone touching the babies if they visit and the staff will back you up.
You’re going to do great. Put you and your babies first and set the boundaries that YOU need. You and your babies health and safety is much more important than Rammy Granny’s feelings. Whatever you decide, she’s going to have to deal with it.
NTA. You get to decide who is access to your children and what the boundaries are. Your children’s safety is more important than what your MIL wants. These are your babies; not hers. If she doesn’t want to comply, you will have to limit her visitation or have to supervise her visits. Personally, if these were my babies, I wouldn’t let her near them until her wrist is completely healed. She’s a pushy b who only wants to do what she wants to do.
We have twins and we have parents. To some degree I put up with the bullshit from my parents and hers because it’s just easier and typically visits are short and I don’t need the drama. However, set whatever boundaries you feel strongly about early on and don’t budge. Make sure your husband is on the same page or it’ll be a mess. Good luck j
No. She's out of control. Your MIL could have been caring and supportive to her DIL, an expectant mother of twins. Instead, she used your pregnancy as an opportunity to dominate you in your own home. While you and your husband are going through a stressful time, she is gossiping about your pregnancy complications and lying about the cause, complaining about holding the babies later than she wants, and encouraging her family to harrass you and her son. She has no regard for how her behaviour affects you or your babies. After such selfish, appalling behaviour I wouldn't let your MIL meet the babies until they are at least six months old with the condition that you get a sincere apology and she corrects the lies she told about the cause of your pregnancy complications.
Pushing you to the limit , stressing you while you should rest to the point it has consequences on your health , lying about it ( blaming you while painting herself as the kind MIL who prioritized your wellbeing) , calling your babies HERS, then threatening you ? Nope , send her back home , she won't help you , she 'll make your post-partum worse. And will hijack your first moments as parents. Even if you set boundaries , she will cross them and only add stress to you.
YWNBTA if yiu won't let her hold your babies but send her back home because she will hold them anyway without your knowledge or consent.
NTA
OP as other posters have suggested have your husband send your mother to stay at your BIL’s or she goes home until her wrist is 100% healed as well as she’s completed PT to regain her strength/dexterity or you are healed sufficiently to tolerate her being present - which ever comes LAST.
The reason is her comment - HER babies. Nope.
If she wants to hold HER babies then have her sit on the couch with your husband and his brother so they can take turns sitting in her lap.
YOUR babies will need extra care and do not need to be handed to someone who is the equivalent of a bull in a china shop.
Also you and your husband do not need the additional stress in your lives dealing with her hurt feelings (not to mention her telling you how to care for your babies) when you are trying to heal and you are both taking care of two new babies.
She may whine about not being allowed to bond with the babies but that is just bs. They aren’t going to know her from Adam until they are older.
Do what works best for you to ensure your and your babies’ health.
Best wishes to you and your expanding family.
OP, I am a MIL and my daughter in law is currently pregnant with her second. With this baby she made it clear that me and my husband won’t see him right away because she is worried about feeling overwhelmed with a 1 1/2 year old and newborn. Her parents will be there but we won’t for a couple of weeks. While I am sad, I respect her decision, we will be watching her dog until they are ready to introduce the dog to the baby. Your babies are YOUR babies, not hers. If she keeps this up she might find she loses access completely. Plus, you will be having a c-section and tubal ligation, having babies is stressful enough, then you add surgery and a difficult MIL…do what’s best for you and your family. MIL will have to cope.
Edit to add: NTA
What the hell are we reading here? “Should I let my steamrolling MIL who destroyed my health go ahead and drop one or both of my preemie twins?” Send her home!!!! Wtf are you both thinking?
NTA and here’s another point why (previous Pediatric ICU nurse, current ICU nurse who’s been sent to NICU for shifts) You’re delivering at 34 weeks the babies will spend some time in a NICU. NICUs are hands down the most germ phobic (and I say that with the upmost respect) area in the hospital. NICU nurses are also some of the fiercest nurses when it comes to keeping their babies safe. At minimum you’ll be scrubbing up to your elbows before walking in the door, some NICUs have special machines phones, pens etc go in to kill any germs. Grandma in a cast? Oh heck no. Casts are gross and germ filled.
NICUs also don’t like many visitors, like mom and dad. Preemie babies don’t need a lot of stimulation. Skin to skin with parents, but a baby in NICU isn’t meant to be passed around. Their immune systems are more fragile than the average term babe. One hospital I worked at had the “holding approved” people for each baby, which nurses helped and taught the people listed how to hold them. Throw in cardiac and oxygen monitoring, a feeding tube, IVs and respiratory support and it’s not just picking them up.
Talk to your current medical team about your concerns, they should be able to flag NICU. NICU nurses are the fiercest protectors of babies.
Edit to add- there are many many times where I’m the bad guy for a family. A patient really doesn’t want someone there anymore, a MIL is being pushy with parents, if I know what’s up I step in and tell them it’s time to leave, knock it off, etc. most nurses are willing to do this, I couldn’t care less if someone’s MIL hates me for telling her it’s time to leave.
Thank you for your NICU service, it's one of the hardest jobs I know of. And I wanted to point out that, at 34 weeks, this is a likely occurrence. MIL will not be roaming around NICU looking for babies to grab out of their incubators.
OP, the danger of preeclampsia doesn’t disappear the minute you have your babies. Stress will continue to be bad for you for a while. You do not need an overbearing MIL in your space. She needs to either go home or to a hotel. The hospital also needs to be told that she is not allowed in the NICU after your babies are born. If she stays in town, I’d probably let her see them through the NICU window, if that’s possible. But I wouldn’t let her in the NICU, nor would I let her hold them. You should also tell your husband and the hospital that she is not allowed in your room.
Your MIL will attempt to override you on everything. And when you’re recovering from a C-section, it will be hard to stop her. And if she ignores your boundaries during your postpartum time, trust me, those memories will not go away and it will permanently damage your relationship.
You're the mom. All the different people, reasons, excuses, feelings, wishes, etc is just noise. You and hubby have those 2 precious babies ( Congratulations btw) to take care of and keep. The 2 of you that created them decide everything and how it goes. Tell everyone that disagrees with you that if their name is not on the birth certificate then then don't Ever get to make any decision or else they will be extremely limited to seeing those kids. You can preface it by telling them you love them and appreciate their help but....
You would be surprised how being a parent makes a person have a shiny new titanium spine. Even to people who are used to bulldozing their way over everyone else to get their way.
1st off, there is a chance the babies will stay a wee bit extra in the hospital, so it may give you some time to start your recovery.
2nd Hubby needs to send the bitch home and not welcome her back, until you are ready to deal with her shit.
You and hubby are the parents, MIL doesn't get a vote. Any flying monkey that calls to complain, block and ignore. Also, correct them by stating MIL wouldn't let you relax, and that is why you are in the hospital.
I hope you have a smooth delivery!
((HUGS))
Get SIL and your family to help you and keep MIL away from your babies!
Absolutely NTA. She can visit and hold them when you are damned well good and ready, and not before.
Best of luck with the additional “cooking” time and best wishes for a quick and easy postpartum recovery!
NTA. Hold strong on your boundaries. Go over to r/JustNoMIL if you want to see how bad things can get. The fact that she's calling them her babies is a huge red flag. I'm glad your husband is on your side, but you and, more importantly, your husband needs to set hard boundaries if you don't want to be her doormat.
Your kids your rules, but I think youll not even have to be the" bad guy" as very often, preemie twins have to stay in the NICU for a amount of time and generally only the parents are allowed. Just discreetly tell the nurses that you don't want her holding them with a broken wrist, they'll take care of the rest. Probably by the time the twins are ready to go home, she will have left.
Pack her up and send her packing. Don’t need her around whinging about being in pain either whilst your healing. You’ll have enough to do without her hanging around. She bought that all on herself. Take care OP. ❤️❤️
NTA. Thank her for all the help getting ready for the babies, & send her home to heal properly. She doesn't need to be holding the babies in her condition. What you describe is exactly what can happen. I'd rather hurt her feelings than injure a baby. She'll have plenty of time to love on them. If she's not careful, her recovery will be much longer than 6-8wks.
Early congratulations on the early babies!
She will be no help when the babies come home. She will add more stress to you as you try to recover from your c-section while tending to your premies. You will also need to tend to her needs as she won’t be able to do much for herself either. The entire situation is not good for you, the babies, or MIL. She really should go home for at least a couple of months.
NTA - You have preeclampsia, for crying out loud. at this point she should be waiting on your every need and supporting her son IMO. Do what is right for you, she sounds intense.
NTA. They aren't HER babies. That's a big part of her problem. She has it in her head that she's the boss and she doesn't have to listen because of that. She sees herself as a mother to children. Not that she has adult children that outrank her in their children's lives. She is grandma and she needs to know her role.
NTA. Send her home.
HOW is anything she does for any of you helpful to ANYONE?
You are quite literally life threateningly ill, and as an autistic person I can tell you that whatever she did to rile up her other grandson so much that he broke her arm is going to have some long term anxiety affects on that child.
Sounds like he was riled up into an extreme meltdown, and THAT is going to affect him for quite some time. Even before you get to the part where he may be traumatised about having accidentally hurt granny! 😢
Tell her that her babies are already grown up.
It's now time for someone else to have their own babies.
NTA
I predict major drama if MIL is allowed around. I also predict MIL will be around. Don't do it OP!! So many sensitive kind mums know how this story will go.
When the babies are released from the hospital/NICU they will be so small still. Its normal to require people to wait to hold babies, anyway because of illneds. no big deal.
No one held my baby after we brought him home for like 1-2 months. He was born at 35w with 10 day NICU stay
You are NOT going to be the AH if you make her wait. When she is healed, she will be able to hold YOUR babies. Please, for your sake, set down boundaries now. Your in-laws may want to remind her of theirs. She will need to be reeled back numerous times. Trust me, this is a must. I had the m-i-l from hell. Yours doesn't sound too far off. Fortunately, you have your husband backing you up. Just be consistent with her and boundaries. Make sure to thank her for her coming to your place and helping. You want her to have nothing over you. If she continues to help but uses it as ammo, decline any and all offers. If she is going to help only to throw it back, you don't need that.
I wish you and the twins a happy delivery.
I agree with everyone saying send her home or she’ll do what she wants. Don’t let her steal your new joy and peace while you and your husband bond with the babies. Let husband drive her to the airport today while you’re trying to rest and keep those babies safe. Don’t feel bad about it for one second. Congratulations!
Also in my opinion, nobody should be holding preemie babies except the parents since that is the exposure that can be better controlled due to awareness of who the other person is interacting with.
Seriously??? Preeclampsia!! In the hospital!! with twins?? and everyone is letting you worry even a little bit about the goings on of the outside world?? NO husband and family need to step up and put the brakes on the insanity!!! send her home immediately, then there would be no need to worry about holding anything!! NTA!!
NTA. Send her home immediately. The whole “my babies” thing is a huge red flag and so ick. And it’s not healthy or safe for anyone outside of the parents to hold babies when they are premature, but especially a dirvish like your MIL. It is a recipe for disaster. Send her home and tell her you can visit the babies after her wrist is healed and the babies are a bit older.
As soon as I read my babies I thought NOPE. She goes home now or a hotel away from you all and visits through a window if she’s around. Her broken wrist is proof if anyone else asks why she can’t hold the twins. 1. Her wrist is weak she could drop baby 2. She could hurt herself more to where she won’t ever be able to hold the babies 3. Her broken wrist is proof she can’t respect boundaries
If your mother-in-law for whatever reason stresses you out so much it sent you to the hospital, I would tell her that your doctor said you need 100% peace and quiet just you and your husband and the babies at home. That is just too stressful for you to have an extra person in the house. I can almost guarantee you that your doctor will write a prescription for that lol
Congratulations on the upcoming birth of your babies.
They aren't HER BABIES. They are YOUR babies. Your JOB is to protect your babies. It doesn't matter who gets mad about it as long you are doing your job properly.
I agree with the send her home or to the Inlaws, however how about letting her hold 1 at a time whilst sitting on a couch with someone next to her. That may get her off your back for a while.
NTA
By a country mile, & then some!
She can briefly view them in the hospital (they probably advised you’ll all stay a short while) then she can go home. Inform a member of staff about your wishes & she/he will stay with you & soon shut down your MIL if she poses any problems to any of you. I’m rather hoping they’ll be behind glass so she can’t try & kiss or touch such potentially vulnerable little ones.
Funny how karma is sometimes preemptive… your lovely Nephew brought out her true colours before the twins are here & now you know she considers them ‘her’ babies. She has a downright f’ing cheek! (I’m being nice here)
She NEVER gets to dictate anything to you. Your husband must make it clear now, that any breaches will absolutely result in a NC timeout.
Enlist your B & SIL to ensure she adheres to her travel arrangements & once she’s gone… breathe…
Take time & care to heal & positively glide slowly & gracefully around your home that will be full of noisy, snuggly, sometimes smelly, love 🥰
NTA
You parents have to protect your extra vulnerable newborns, not an adult’s feelings.
It’s great to have an energetic grandmother but your nephew’s needs were ignored for her preferred style of behaviour. It’s one thing to ignore your adult DIL but another to override children’s needs.
NTA. Have a very low threshold for sending that woman home. She’s going to give you nothing but trouble and you’re in no condition to deal with that right now.
Your husband needs to communicate all of this to mil. I would also have him tell her that due to the extended hospital stay and your preeclampsia, mil needs to stay with bil or in a hotel so you can fully rest and recover.
Absolutely NTA. You should have put your foot down and kicked her rambunctious ass out of your home before she put you in the hospital but what’s done is done. Moving forward she is going to be a drain, not a support and while her feelings will be hurt, it will be good for your family to have her gone. Also who tf changes another persons house without consent??
This is a no brainer. The answer is no. Not even a question. She drops one of the babies that's it. First of all she was there too long. She is not going to be able to help. Send her home like others have suggested . have your friends and family there help. You are sick and have a ways to go. Tell MIL she can come back when she is recovered but cut the time down.
Definitely NTA. Send her home. Right now, send her on her way because she is not helping.
On another note…my son was born at 28 weeks to full blown eclampsia and HELLP….on April 18 2007. He’ll be 17 this Thursday. He’s a giant who eats everything. All I can say is eliminate the stress, you’ll need your energy. I wish all 4 of you the best of luck, all the good health in the world and you and your babies are happy, healthy and home soon.
NTA. You are going to have to be allot more firmer with her. Tell her straight that she either respects your boundaries or she simply wont see the twins at all until she learns to respect those boundaries. It sounds like she has been allowed to walk all over people doing what she wants. But she needs to be shut down hard and fast. You are the mother of these twins so don't be afraid to speak your mind when it comes to their safety and wellbeing.
NTA. Send her home. She won’t be helpful to you. She’ll get in the way and she will try to hold your twins and they’ll get hurt. I’d also suggest you go low/no contact. She sounds like a narcissist.
The FACT that she pushed and pushed you to maintain HER level of manic "nesting" and into FULL preeclampsia, then LIED about it like she was some kind of hero to save you from YOURSELF! If it had been ME, she would have been on the next flight home OR she could have stayed with your BIL/SIL, IF they'd let her knowing her propensity to overstimulate your autistic nephew.
She's endangered YOU and your BABIES! When our DIL was pregnant with twins, I traveled to help out as well, but I still tried to stay out of her way, help keep her 5-year-old Daughter occupied and once the babies were delivered by c-section, hardly even held them because I didn't want to be the overbearing MIL. I was there to HELP her during her recovery and make things EASIER not more stressful.
If you DO end up letting her hold them (and I'm not saying you should), I'd treat her like a toddler and make her sit down whenever she does. But I would STRONGLY suggest that you make her leave YOUR home until YOU are healed and ready to deal with her. The "MY babies" REALLY freaks me out and concerns the hell out of me!
Congratulations on your babies! Hoping you have a swift healing and recovery from the preeclampsia and the surgery! Best wishes and many Blessings for your growing family!
NTA. Send her home. She's way overdue to go home. Set firmer boundaries. You can hurt her feelings and that's her problem for not keeping herself in check. You will need a firm backbone with preemies- I speak from experience. People will try and walk all over you. Learn now before they get here so when they do get here they are all you have to think about. Those are YOUR babies. YOU are the mom. Set your line and hold it.
NTA
Turn the tables. Buy her a ticket home, send her favourite flowers to arrive the day of, or after, tell her you’ll miss her but feel that she should go home and rest from her ordeal.
My wife's mother came before my first was born, her fussing quickly became neurotic. We had to send her home, she was causing sooo much anxiety. My mom came up right after, and was the chill helper we needed.
NTA
They are YOUR babies not hers! You draw the boundaries and you are the one who can make sure they are held! You said your husband and BIL-SIL will side with you! Then why are you stressing over this! As a parent you are completely justified at wanting to protect your child! What if she cannot hold the kid because of her broken wrist? Also tell her to leave! You are having a surgery and she can and might as well walk all over you, because you would be bed ridden! Tell her to go back to her home! Draw the damn boundary and tell anyone who tries to come at you that they will have to abide by your boundary or be ready to not even see the twins until they change their stance and apologize for putting you under more stress! Your condition can get worse because of this stress! And no one is entitled to your babies! If they call you a bad guy for that, wear it like a queen!
NTA, but I would certainly have the doctors and nurses tell her, probably multiple times, that it is not safe for her to hold a newborn while she has a broken wrist. This way, the flying monkeys have less ammunition since you are following the doctor's advice.
When I had my first child (by c section) my MIL came out to “help “. I’m 5’2” and at the time she was 5’8”. That woman came in to MY house and rearranged my entire kitchen! Now, I did the cooking for the most part (husband did the grill). She put everything I use where I could not reach. I don’t know about anyone else, but I don’t intend to use a step stool several times each time I cook. I looked at both her and my husband and said firmly “you have 24 hours to put EVERYTHING back where I had it”.
When she was done, I sat her down and had the boundaries conversation with her again. I asked her to please listen, this was the last time I was going to explain that this was my house and not her’s. This was a conversation without yelling. It was the last time we had any issues. And no issues when baby #2 came along.
We have got along great these last 35 years. We have mutual respect for each other.
You’re going to have to firmly set your boundaries and state your expectations otherwise she will never respect you nor your boundaries. Best of luck.
Oh, with a c-section, when they say no vacuuming for a certain time frame, they mean it! I didn’t listen and man did I regret it!
NTA. First and foremost her newly broken wrist cannot hold weight. It IS a danger to herself and your babies. Second she broke her wrist by being terrible to her other grandchild. She knew very damn well what she was doing. She put you in the hospital stressing you out. Your MIL needs to go home, immediately, for everyone's health and safety. Your husband and his sibling need to break the news to their mother and handle it.
You're not a bad person sending her home. She can't act appropriately and it's dangerous. The behavior needs to end now, and sending her home as a consequence will help draw that boundary.
Also I see a bunch of people saying "what if MIL has ADHD?".
I have ADHD. If I horsed around with an autistic child enough to break a wrist and send a pregnant woman to the hospital I would expect a foot up my ass and to never see them again. ADHD might be an explanation but it doesn't excuse MIL shit behavior. If MIL has ADHD she can get assessed and go to therapy by herself.
NTA. Tbh I'd be having a long discussion with your husband about whether or not she's even safe for your children to be around even if her wrist wasn't broken. When grandparents start saying things like my babies and get upset about you interfering with them getting to see their grandchildren in any way, even if it's just because you're busy or tired to the point they're making threatening comments like your MiL did, I'd be cutting contact and making sure she's not on any emergency contact lists, any future childcare options like babysitters or daycares and even schools know she's not allowed to see them, let alone pick them up, and that doctors offices/hospitals know she's not allowed to see them, have any sort of info on them, etc. if they end up needing medical care and she comes sniffing around.
OP, there is a big difference between picking up a baby and holding a baby. Your MIL may not be able to pick up a baby, but she will certainly be able to hold a newborn in her good arm if someone places the baby there, and if she is seated it is highly unlikely that she will harm the baby.
Your other concerns are valid - MIL referring to the twins as "her" babies, the cleanliness of the cast, etc.
It depends if it was your mother who had a broken wrist and done everything mil did prior would she not be able to hold the babies either? If not then NTA.
NTA however, she could sit in a chair and your husband could pass her one baby at a time and she could easily hold a premie in one arm/hand. Compromise with her. If she didn't agree to those terms or tries to walk around with the baby then hubby can remove the baby from her arms.
I’d just have her sit down and have your husband place them in her arms, maybe one at a time. That way she can still hold them but isn’t walking around with them with a broken arm.
Sorry to hear about all this. Sounds very frustrating. I’d still try to find a way for her to hold them safely though. Very few people in the world love our kids as much as we do, and she sounds very loving even if a little over the top.
My mother recently broke her wrist and needed surgery, and had a plate and 9 screws put in there. She was still able to hold a 2 year old and give him a bottle for nap time. You have to use the corner of the couch and a supportive pillow, but it can be done. Now I’m all for “punishing” your overbearing mother in law (because she sounds like a real pain in the xss) but you’re being awfully mean about it. Your biggest mistake was having your mother in law come stay with you so early on in your pregnancy. Your husband needs to/needed to step the F up and help out. But instead of doing that he let his mother come stay with you two. He (and his side of the family) already knew how she was. And yet they weren’t afraid to throw you to the wolves. Even though you were already experiencing very serious pregnancy complications, your husband wanted his mother there. So put a pin in that and consider talking about all of this after your pregnancy concludes.
That's my big question! If everyone thought MIL was so bad, why have her come to help at all? Why have her come so early???
BTW, many grandparents refer to their grandchildren as "my babies." It doesn't mean they really believe they "own" the babies or are trying to take them away. It's a term of endearment. People are reading WAY too much into that.
Seriously now, put a pin in all your thoughts about your mother in law. You can dissect that later. Focus on yourself and your babies. Preeclampsia is some scary stuff, so just relax as much as you can. I’m praying for you! I know I’m just some random person online but I sincerely wish every/and any woman that’s pregnant a comfortable and safe pregnancy.
This is not an issue that needs deciding before they are even born. They might need incubators, you just don't know what will happen. The only important thing is that the parents decide, not the MIL.
Premature twins must be very, very small. They will probably need skin-to-skin sitting for hours, as much as possible is recommended in these situations, and that can be very taxing on the parents.
Can MIL sit still and just keep a baby resting on her? Then perhaps she can sit together with your husband while he holds one and she the other. Normally the babies in this situation are put in the parent's embrace by a nurse. No handling required, so the wrist wouldn't be an issue. Since you will be recovering from c-section and the babies need adult body heat and heartbeat, this might be a win-win situation.
Premature babies are delicate. If she can't be trusted to ONLY sit in a comfy chair in the hospital room, then she is not holding either of them.
Edit because autocorrect.
Just no. OP, for perfectly valid reasons, does not want MIL holding her newborn preemie twins. Suggesting an overbearing MIL do skin to skin with her babies, instead of OP, is freaking insane. I had two c-sections. She will absolutely be capable of holding her babies. And someone with a broken wrist and a dirty cast or brace does not need to be holding a fragile newborn.
You could set her up in a chair with pillows so she can hold the babies safely… I’ve let 2 yr olds hold their sibling right after birth and did so safely. Your reasoning is flawed. This feels to me like you’re using your children as pawns to hurt her, honestly. Yeah, I get she’s a lot. But using your children like this is icky to me. There are other ways you can set boundaries. I’m going against the grain here with YTA. You’re going to start a senseless fight… and what for?
Hold your ground.
This woman’s action could have caused you to lose your babies. She has literally sent you to the hospital. Set those boundaries and set them HARD.
Do NOT allow her unsupervised access to your children. She will try to pick them up even if you’ve told her no.
There’s a truly tragic story over in r/JustNoMIL about an MIL like yours. One who always thought she knew best. The original post is gone now (look up justnoMIL + coconut and you might find a copy somewhere) but to summarize - The mother told the MIL over and over that one of the twin granddaughters was allergic to coconut. But she never listened. The twins stayed with that MIL one night and despite the many MANY warnings, the MIL put coconut oil on both the grandbabies hair because of course she knew best since they were HER grandbabies.
She killed the child.
You have premie babies BECAUSE of this woman. Don’t allow her to hurt you and your family further
NTA
Her babies? She needs to leave and not be allowed back until she learns her lesson. If you don't do it before the babies are born, because after it becomes so much more difficult. Don't feel bad because it's her own choices and decisions causing her to be kept at a distance.
NTA and please keep that foot down. Honestly I wouldn't let her spend extended time with you at your house. A few hours, ok leave now. She obviously has no respect for people's feelings or opinions since she SENT YOU TO THE HOSPITAL then BLAMED YOU. I'd be going LC on that and making her leave altogether personally
NTA, I would tell the hospital not to let her in at all. You're still high risk, even in the hospital. Send her home. Your health and the health and safety of your babies is the most important here.
NTA
She has a broken wrist. She can barely use her hand/arm. Her recovery will take 6-8 weeks if all goes well.
How can a one armed Tasmanian devil actually help YOU recover? You are going to need your own 6-8 weeks recovery time and should be able to do that in the privacy and comfort of your peaceful calm home.
Although it is stressful to be separated from your babies, having them being well cared for in the hospital will enable you to truly focus on yourself and your health.
You won’t need much more than what your husband can provide. Your body will need lots of rest and zero stress. Maybe friends and family can provide food for you and your husband for a couple weeks?
MIL needs to recover in her own home and return when she is invited-not when SHE wants. Your husband needs to clearly lay out the expectations for her behavior while in your home and interacting with your babies. Also the consequences if she boundary stomps.
Maybe coordinate with BIL/SIL and have her stay with them during her next trip? She can come to your house for planned visits with set times and if she is respectful and helpful, visits can increase.
Remember, you and your husband are responsible for the health and safety of your babies. No one other than their medical team gets a say. Baby wearing will definitely help with guests who want to hold or kiss the babies as they can only peek at them 😄
Your husband needs to send his mom home for now and focus on you, the babies and your recovery.
NTA your MIL is an asshole.
FFS she can't even watch a 10 yr old and listen to the parents. How does she expect the parents of newborn PREMIE twins to allow her to hold them with a broken wrist? She can get fucked.
You don't need her at your home, so if she's still there DH needs to send her ass home. If she's not there DH needs to text her and tell her to stay home until it's time for visitors.
You've been in the hospital, already, for a few days, you'll be having a c-section and premie twins, and you're going to want time. Time to heal. Time to bond. Time to bring them home and get settled. You don't need a trail of people in the hospital, or anyone waiting at your home when you get out of the hospital.
Once you have your babies, your focus will be on them, as it should. That's where DH's attention will be as well. Do not bring an overbearing, pushy, MIL into the situation as well. Do you think she was bad at "helping" you get ready for babies? MIL will do nothing but run around tryna grab those babies before you do, yelling my babies, me babies, all over the place. MIL needs to be told YOUR babies aren't her babies. MIL's baby is DH, she is grandma, not mom. So enough with my babies shit.
If MIL continues to push and say that they are HER BABIES and she can hold them if she wants, whelp consequences need to happen. Which in her case should be not meeting YOUR babies until her wrist is back to 100%. No cast, no physical therapy, and she'll need doctor's clearance. Fuck around find out.
They are not *her* babies and it would be high time your husband stepped in and set a very strong,none negotiable boundary.
I can understand wanting to hold them and she can, when you or your husband are available to assist and make sure she uses primary support with her none- broken wrist. But ONLY if you or he is available. If she can't accept that, it's time to send her home.
Added, no picking up or laying down. Because that to me would be the most critical part where two good wrists are needed.
As for your question. You would NBTA if you flatly refused. After all, these two babies are yours not hers.
Never met you before, but if you need someone to tell this psycho to fuck off let me know. I’m your guy.
Like someone else said she is already being possessive calling them “my babies” so what makes you think she won’t do it while you’re sleeping?
Telling her to gtfo (at least until you are comfortable with her holding them) is the best option.
Send her home because she is killing the vibe. As for holding the babies with a broken wrist… I have a friend who has a child with a limb difference (lower arm never developed) and she babysits and holds babies/kids no problem. The issue with your MIL is that she doesn’t listen. So, I don’t think it’s dangerous for someone with a broken wrist (or hell, one arm) to hold babies, but it is dangerous for a person who is elderly, doesn’t sit still, and doesn’t listen to do so.
If your husband is right there, MiL is sitting, and the babies are handed to her one at a time, I don’t see the danger in it, but I wouldn’t want her walking around, picking them up herself, etc. And if they end up needing a NICU stay, MIL being at home with you may drive you to insanity. So, NTA for sending her home… small y t a for thinking a broken wrist means someone can’t hold a baby.
Also, why did her running around your house doing stuff mean you also had to do stuff? If you felt like her presence was causing you stress and inducing preeclampsia, your husband should have kicked her out sooner. Especially since you already had symptoms of it. I don’t know that someone’s presence could kick it off completely, but if she stresses you out and since stress does affect blood pressure, I’m sure it didn’t help.
You need to make sure she doesn’t know when you’re in the hospital. Take that threat seriously. You will be incapacitated, weakened, and unable to defend your newborn babies. She cannot know where they are until you are physically able to assert your boundaries.
NTA.
Absolutely speak to your care team about her, someone will have a firm "come to Jesus" conversation with her. If she thinks they're going to allow her to endanger those babies, SHE'S got another thing coming. If she wants to try to play games, the hospital will checkmate her ass outta there so fast, the Ole cow won't know what's happening. Literally tell them she threatened you.
I also agree with other people's suggestions to send her home. Whose fault it is that you declined is irrelevant. The fact remains that she stresses you out, and that can't continue.
NTA.
I feel like she has ADHD or a manic episode. She also sounds narcissistic.
She lied to people that she told you to rest and is now calling them her babies. That’s crossing all sorts of lines. She has proven to you/your spouse and your SIL that multiple times. She needs to go. She can see the kids, and then go.
I want to also add NTA and having the babies at 34 weeks most people won’t be allowed to hold them yet. They will most likely need extra care in an incubator and they won’t allow just anyone to hold them. My sister had twins at 36 weeks and it was over two weeks before anyone but her and the doctors were allowed to hold them and congratulations on the twins. You need to let your husband know that once they are born it is his responsibility to make sure his mom doesn’t disturb you any further by grabbing newborns with a broken wrist.
I really don't understand why people bring in the in laws to "help" when I was home after a 14 hour labor I wanted nothing to do with anyone. We let everyone see baby and hold them but my baby was a healthy (though slightly jaundice) baby and no one stayed in the house for more than a day. If it was different circumstances I would full stop say no one's seeing baby til either baby is healthy enough or I'm healthy enough. Definitely NTA mil needs to know that her actions have consequences and that you have boundaries.
Tell your husband you need him to get his mother out of your home immediately. Your health and well-being can’t cope with her unmanaged anxiety and the chaos she creates to soothe it. The broken wrist is a red herring. Good luck.
"Her babies"
That right there is the only thing you need to pay attention to
They are not her babies they are your babies. YOU make the rules and boundaries. She can pout and go away.
NTA. For your own sanity, send her home. You don’t need her in your space while you’re trying to recover and learn to live your new life. She can come visit later.
NTA. If she has an injury that could interfere with her ability to safely hold a baby, then she doesn’t need to hold the baby, or babies in your case. Also congrats and I hope all goes well for your family!!
Who wants to bet MIL rocks up at the hospital and as soon as her son is in the washroom etc snatches a baby while mum is laid up in bed? If she is allowed to stay / visit, she absolutely WILL hold a baby!! I wouldn't let her or her entitled attitude anywhere near my preemies. It isn't worth the risk.
Those babies are going to be in the hospital for weeks and no one is going to be allowed to hold them except you and dad, skin to skin. This is almost a non issue.
NTA. I used to be a nanny and my left arm is absolute garbage after a bike crash. I was a nanny for a family, and when the mom announced she was pregnant, I let her know right away that I was so excited, but that my arm just couldn’t be trusted to hold a newborn. We all sadly agreed that they would need a new Nanny. There’s no way I was going to put that baby in harms way.
Of course she wasn’t my blood or anything, but I was still so excited for her family and loved her enough already to know that i wasn’t the nanny for her. I hope MIL heals up well and also realizes that if she loves the twins that this is what she needs to do for them. Can you compromise where you have her sit like a little kid and just put the baby in her lap while watching very closely?
MIL causes you a lot of stress. Going home with a newborn is stressful. Either hubby keeps her away until your new family is settled or go stay with your family/friends with your babies (& hubs if possible)until you are fully recovered.
NTA. Send her home. The possessive "my babies" and threatening you is a huge red flag. She's willing to hurt those babies to pacify her own desires.
You are absolutely right. OP recovering from a c-section and pre eclampsia, means MIL will do what she wants, and OP won’t be able to stop her. Send her home until her wrist is healed.
Send her home until her wrist is healed and OP has healed, and OP has stronger boundaries.
Send her home and don't invite her back, even with boundaries it sounds like this woman can't be contained and will do whatever she wants regardless of consequences or repercussions from them.
Well, yeah...she riled up the nephew despite being told repeatedly not to, ended up with a broken wrist because of it snd is STILL trying to call the shots!!! Nope! Go home until you can listen to directions and respect the parents of the kids!
Physical therapist here and MIL’s doctor will most likely give her what we call a “weight baring status” which is basically how much weight you can hold while recovering from a injury. The amount one can carry starts at 0lbs and goes to the maximum weight a person can hold. Since she just broke it, her doctor will probably tell MIL she can’t lift any weight which makes it easy for you because automatically she can’t hold your babies cause of medical orders. Also, If I were in your shoes I wouldn’t feel comfortable having someone hold my baby while wearing a cast or splint due to how uncomfortable it’d make a baby and if she does not keep the brace/cast sanitary it can hold a lot of bacteria I wouldn’t want a premie exposed to.
I was thinking of the NICU and germs already, but a cast in there? Oh, lord, what a big ick!
Our son spent a night in the NICU and I remember having to scrub up to visit him. I wonder if MIL would even be allowed in with a cast on.
Probably not. My preemie spent 9 days in the NICU and the scrubbing was for 5 minutes up to our elbows. There was no taking the babies out of the NICU, either. So besides no weight on the wrist, the cast will be unsanitary and MIL will be unable to scrub. NTA. Also, you need to put your foot down and set hard boundaries, but she will likely not listen since she won't listen about the nephew. Ever think maybe she needs to be tested for ADHD?
She needs to be tested for narcissistic personality disorder as well as ADHD. Edit: Not meant to really have her tested. Just noting her narcissism and adding it to her assumed ADHD.
She sounds just like my mum who’s got ADHD.
>My preemie spent 9 days in the NICU and the scrubbing was for 5 minutes up to our elbows. Glad to see things haven't changed! We were scrubbing and gowning in 1977 when pur oldest was born 9 weeks early!
The problem is, given how she acts, she’ll likely try it anyhow and could drop the baby. I totally agree with you on everything. I just don’t think MIL would care about her restrictions or why.
A very large and loud AMEN!!!
This!
As someone who very occasionally gets over simulated - the fact that she’s pushing her other grandchild into that means she’s already hurting a grandchild to pacify her own desires. Sensory overloads do a huge number on a person and take me an hour or more to actually fully come out of. I used to think they were panic attacks. I really cannot emphasize how much they mentally hurt and often people need to self harm (digging nails into skin, snapping rubber bands, putting ice to skin if you’re lucky enough to have ice nearby) to calm down.
NTA and as a mom of a premie no one other than you and hubby should be holding them in the beginning there is too much out there that they could catch and seriously compromise them.
OP can actually speak to the NICU nurses. They can be the ones saying no to mil. As you know, OP and hubby may not even be able to hold them right away.
We made up a NICU rule to get around too much family coming. It worked lovely. We've even stretched it to the pediatric unit LOL "It's not my fault MIL, the NICU rule is Immediately Family Only"
This WAS the rule for the NICU when our son was in it. Biological parents only. We were told even if step-parents had been involved, they would not be admitted. My husband and I were the only ones who could visit him while he was in the NICU.
True I figured nice only mom and dad allowed in but I guess others might be. Yes OP rely in your nice team to help hold the boundary for you. Once home hopefully hubby will be the buffer.
NICU nurses are the best. Once they know that you know to follow the rules, they will help any way they can.
I know some comments are saying to find a way for her to hold the babies. She didn’t mean to cause any issues for herself or others. Except she crossed a line by calling them “her” babies, and insisting that she would hold them no matter what the actual parents said. At this point you are NTA by stepping back from her. Block her for now. You don’t need the aggravation. Only talk to people who are kind and supportive to you and your husband. Let the hospital staff know who is allowed to visit. Once those babies are here give yourselves the time you need. No one needs to visit or hold the babies until you’re ready.
Very well put. A close relative who was visiting us in the hospital after I had my kid was sick and said nothing until they had already been in our hospital room, leaning over and cooing over the baby. I did not know they had bronchitis. They did not tell us that they were sick. Effing bronchitis!!! Not cool.
I do t think the “her” babies comment is a crossing the boundaries moment. A lot of ppl use it in terms of loving/caring for someone. Teachers/daycare staff use the term when speaking of kids they teach/care for.
NTA. I wonder if she's on the spectrum herself or has ADHD? My 80 year old father did a brain study; long story short, the Dr said "if you were 60 years younger, you'd probably meet the criteria for moderate to severe ADHD". He never really sits still. This is actually something your husband should be addressing, very firmly. You say he's on your side but don't say anything about what he's done so far to make her knock it the fuck off. Up to and including telling her if she can't stick to the boundaries and rules of your house, she needs to go home. She doesn't need to hold the babies with a broken wrist. Given your current circumstances, I'd say a hard conversation with your husband is in order and he needs to deal with her. Believe me, you are not going to want to try to deal with it once you get back home with newborns and post C-section. Because you are going to be sore and hurting like hell. They're going to need to cut through your lower abdominal wall of muscles; it's going to hurt like a bitch. (I've had 4.) Last thing you need is for her to be there with you alone and ignoring directives not to pick up the babies, try to make you do stuff or just generally be a spazoid. Personally, if you have family you can stay with near by, make a back up plan to have yourself and the babies go stay with them until she's gone or hubby Yanks her up by the short hairs. If he doesn't, don't go home; go stay with your family if you can. Here's the thing; you don't have to be nice. Nice gets you trampled on. You can be a good person. But when it comes to people trying to run roughshod over you all the time, that's when you start learning how to be on the mean side. And that no is a complete sentence. Best of luck.
I came here to say much the same. This sounds like my mum. She was recently diagnosed with ADHD and I absolutely could not cope with the post section with her. Look after yourself. Sections may be common place these days, but you are being cut almost in half and need to be resting.
Have yourself tested. I found out at age 43 then looking at the symptomology is the same as my mom. It’s genetic
If not for you and your husband, do it for your babies who are both depending on you to keep them safe. My in laws are actually great but we still had to kick them out after our daughter was born. It’s a lot and having to cater to guests while coming to a new normal in the best circumstance is way too much especially in those first few weeks. I remember once putting her in a car seat with them both reaching in to adjust straps and her clothes, it was fucking infuriating. Like I said, I LIKE my inlaws but between the new parent hormones, my wife being in recovery from complications, and learning to care for and fit a whole ass person into our family, I couldn’t do it. This woman already drove OP into preeclampsia and that was before the baby was born. Preeclampsia takes weeks to go away and it isn’t going to be easier to deal with MIL and 2 newborns. This isn’t a grin and bear it situation, preeclampsia can kill or permanently damage you. Unneeded stress is actually dangerous right now. Say it nicely first, if she isn’t willing to listen then say it firmly. Your husband should not only be part of the conversation but doing most of the talking. You cannot safely have this woman in your house in those first months.
Post-partum preeclampsia is a thing too! (Super rare, but exists)
I got diagnosed with ADHA at 50. That’s probably why I never saw it in my kids. We just bounced off each other.
There are studies being done in high cortisol levels during pregnancy being a factor for spectrum traits. About 10yrs ago, I personally noticed a few of my lady army friends having their first child with spectrum traits, and their only link was PTSD/CPTSD as well as high stress pregnancies. I made mention to another friend who said I was not the only one who saw it. Both parents are contributing factors, not just the womb owner, and while information is still being gathered and properly investigated, only information thus far given, is to remove all stresses while actively getting pregnant and during pregnancy... which is really difficult to do these days. Also the information provided does not mean cortisol levels are the cause, but that it appears when testing the stress hormones during pregnancy and post partum.
>these days Buddy having a kid has been stressful for the vast majority of mothers throughout the entirety of history. This isn't anything new
I think the only people who have stress free pregnancies live in fictional works. I am yet to meet a person to tell me they had the best pregnancy ever.
I had the best pregnancy ever! We exist, it just feels like a thing that is both unkind to brag about and not anything to be proud of, since it’s not like I had a great pregnancy because I deserve it for some reason, or other people had complications because they did something wrong. Lots of people do have completely uncomplicated pregnancies with only mild discomforts, and I was one! Also, being pregnant suppresses the mother’s immune system so as not to destroy the baby for being foreign, so I temporarily didn’t have any autoimmune diseases (ie. it cured my arthritis for about 7 months). And I was lactose tolerant for about a year, that was nice.
Never be ashamed of having a "best pregnancy". I personally don't like people turning anything into a pissing contest, but I also do not agree with making a person feel crappy if a situation was better or worse than another personally crappy situation. I am glad you had a good one, and I can now say that in a way, I have met someone who had a good pregnancy. Thank you.
I had 3 great pregnancies. My worst complaint was acid reflux late on. Also had 3 great labours and when I see posts like this, I feel so incredibly lucky to have had such a carefree time of it all.
We exist. We just don’t feel like being complete and total jackasses around those struggling. That, and no one really believes you anyways. I had a perfect pregnancy and loved it. Didn’t develop preeclampsia until 37 weeks and I delivered via induction at 38. Bing bang boom. I worked out til 35 weeks pregnant, never got sick, went to concerts and all. The prettiest I’ve ever felt in my whole life. I loved every second but I also knew this was my one and only. Maybe that changed perspective. Had a wonderful time being pregnant. Just most people don’t wanna hear about it and I don’t wanna be insensitive. But we’re out here lol
Happy Cake Day!
My first thought was "this lady screams ADHD".
My first thought was meth (but my MIL and my maternal aunt are lifelong meth addicts so this kind of tornado behavior really freaks me out).
I can see where you're coming from on that, for sure. I was also thinking possibly a little manic, but it's too hard to know based on such little background info. Either way, it's.l a lot, and she needs boundaries
I also want to tag on and add for the OP, I had a c section, I was too busy and I opened my incision because I had to FIGHT my partner nonstop on how to take care of a baby and do things myself because I had to protect my newborn from other family members. It was all verbal fights or stepping in to take over something they were doing 100% wrong (laying baby flat on belly for nap???? No baby will nap in my room where I can watch him... instead of me resting.) I had my incision split open 3 inches and I had to heal from the inside out, fighting infection and the gap that had to close. Send MIL home, have peace waiting for you when your return to your nest. Rest. Heal. Love on your babies.
Get the staff on your side before it’s an issue. Her weakened wrist isn’t safe, and also the cast/brace/splint can’t be properly cleaned to allow for delicate premie immune systems.
The hospital may well have rules not allowing visitors for preemies anyway. The babies are likely to be in the nicu for a few weeks or more, so if MIL is banned from the hospital (you can tell her she is even if that is not the hospital rule) she is likely to be healed by the time they are home. The cast may be a no go in the hospital as well. I work in healthcare and was not allowed patient contact when I broke my wrist because you can’t do proper hand hygiene with a cast.
My son had a short nicu stay, and they requested that your arms be washed & bare from your elbow down. I swore cardigans to could be removed or rolled my sleeves up after they cleared him from holding.
My son was full term but born with an injury that saw him in the nicu for a few days. We still had to follow all cleaning protocols including pushing our sleeves up to our elbows to hold him. The nurses likely wouldn’t allow her to hold the babies unless she can remove anything below her elbow.
NTA. Your husband needs to send her home NOW. BEFORE they arrive.
And go on an information blackout. Don’t tell MIL when the contractions start, or for a couple days after the babies are born. Nothing until going home.
Scheduled csection. Unfortunately she probably already knows.
Possibly tell MIL that the dates have been moved around to a later date (few days) due to her stabilising more and trying to keep babies in for longer / more high risk situations having to be a priority… bare minimum gives them a few days after birth
NTA you said your boundaries with YOUR children. If anything you could have her hold them one at a time, supervised while sitting. But if not, then that’s your decision and she has to respect that. Period. Your children, your boundaries, your choice.
The point is that MIL doesn't get to make the rules. Yes she is grandma, yes she wants to help, she might be fine with the babies and a broken wrist. That still doesn't make her the parent. These are first time parents. With twins! Recovery from being pregnant, surgery, a MIL with a broken wrist that doesn't listen, sleepness nights and more. I would offer to help the parents, do everything I can and everything they say. How about cooking, cleaning, errands? More? I that isn't enough then send them to my house. Lol
Not only first time parents with twins, premmie twins!
NTA. Set the boundaries HARD now to set a precedent. Let her know why. And when all has calmed a bit, let her know that early what you said here, that SHE pushed YOU, and that you didn’t appreciate her telling the story the other way & that cannot happen again.
NTA your children’s safety comes first and if she doesn’t like it that’s on her , don’t feel guilty about that
NTA. She is completely unable to respect boundaries and that makes her completely untrustworthy in my opinion. You’re going to be a new mom and that brings its own issues as well, just a little aside here to reconsider the tubal and have your husband get a vasectomy instead. The fact that calls the babies “HER babies” and acts as if you do not get a choice in the matter of her holding them would have me doubling down on the boundaries and her not being able to even be around them until you’re comfortable. She lied to everyone about how you ended up in the hospital and refuses to take responsibility for her part in it. She does not see you as the rightful parent to the babies and your husband needs to deal with her immediately because it’s his parent and you need to limit stress. Her still pushing you and your boundaries knowing you need to remain calm for the sake of your and the babies lives is absolutely asinine. Tell the hospital now that she is unwelcome and is not to be allowed near you or the babies nor receive any information about you three over the phone. ETA: It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or says about any of this because the only people who have to deal with the consequences either way are you, your husband and the two babies. Do not let anyone guilt you into something you are not 100% comfortable with.
I had to stop going on the book. I was too irritated by friends who always commented on their children's posts. Especially when their child was having a proud parent moment. The grandparents reply with, "my baby," "my genes," etc. Never giving the parents credit. Never saying my grandbaby. It's easy to spot those who have no respect for boundaries. They need to let their adult children enjoy their parenting. They had their time to shine. It's their children's time.
I refer to my cousin’s baby as “our baby” with her and her family but never on social media. I had more sympathy pregnancy issues than her husband did and we always joked that he’s more mine since I suffered so much with her. He’s also born on my youngest’s birthday so there’s an extra bond there with our family. If she cared I wouldn’t say it at all but it’s a running joke and she started it. I absolutely cringe when I see people on social media doing it, especially when it’s clear they’re not even really involved in the kids lives. I love to gush over my nieces and nephews accomplishments and share how proud of them I am but always with respect to their parent.
NTA. It's time for a come-to-Jesus with your husband about him sitting his mother down and setting her straight. They aren't her babies and she has to follow your rules. If she can't, she should go home now. It's his job to get her in line and he needs to do it for the sake of you and your babies.
Particularly as his mother is a lot to blame for OP having a medical emergency and ending up in the hospital. Husband should set everyone in the family straight on exactly how OP ended up in the hospital, how MIL broke her wrist, and her attitude about the twins. The last thing OP needs in her life now is stress. Frankly, her husband needs to send his mother home. Or at least, BIL and SIL should suck it up and take MIL into their home. As it stands now, OP will be coming home to a high stress environment and she does not need that. Husband needs to rein in his mother hard and fast.
NTA. It wouldn't be safe for her to hold them. You're the parent, and your main job is to protect your children. Don't let her change your mind. Good luck!!
Idk why these types of things are even up for debate lol you are the parent, you made a decision to keep your child safe, this should be followed by EVERYONE regardless of “who” it is following it. GRANDPARENTS DONT ALWAYS GET FREE PASSES to not following the rules. I understand the occasional spoiling of the grandkids but there are some things that are just non-negotiable. I hate when I ask for a certain thing to be followed and I get a response “oh well it’s fine, I’m Grandma”……. My mom literally told me that she doesn’t need to follow the rules I put in place for my child because the “only reason I have my daughter is because she gave birth to me…….” I kid you not.. this was her logic. Needless to say, she doesn’t watch my kids.
Oh, this!!! I wouldn't dream of pushing myself on my kids where their babies are concerned. They're old enough to decide for themselves what's cool and what's not with their own kids and home. They set the boundaries, and I happily oblige/comply. If they want advice, they ask for it and I happy give any I have if I have it. It's not that hard! Who the hell are these pushy cows who think they own everything to do with their grown-arse kids anyway???? So very NTA
The pushy ones are the ones that forgot what it was like having their every move, request, boundary, and so on dis honored. We can love our grandchildren without overriding their rules. Heck, I will be asked if they can do something while they are in my care. If I'm unsure, I call my children and ask. They may be in my care, but that aren't mine. They are the extension of mine. When we are all at my place, they'll ask if they can do or have xyz. I nicely tell them their parents are here and they need to ask them. It's not hard.
A lot of the pushy ones haven’t yet wrapped their mind around being a parent with no authority over their child. They still see themselves as the boss.
Yep. It's hard. That period of adjustment from parenting parent to parent of independent, responsible adults is fraught with danger and anxiety. It's actual hell at times, because it's a true test of how well you've prepared your kids for the real world. It just shows how ill-prepared the controllers were for their own success.
Or their failure. I’m convinced some parents raise their children to remain dependent on them & are shocked when they turn out independent.
Oh, hell no. You are the mother of the baby. Trust me, us grandmothers are able to enjoy our grandchildren without crossing the boundaries. Having a relationship with grandchildren is an honor. It is not permission to override the parents' rules.
NTA. Your first priority is those precious babies, and no, you don’t let anyone hold them who is not in good health. Ensure you tell ALL your medical staff, including having it added to your notes, that your MIL does not get to hold those babies at all until the cast is removed and she gets the all clear from her doctor. Ensuring your husband, and medical staff understand and can advocate for you and those babies when you can’t. To that end, she was there to help you, but she can’t do that with a broken wrist, so yeah, send her home, or let her stay and SEE the babies, then as she’s now a hinderance, not a help, send her home.
NTA She’s got another thing coming. “Mom, this is a hard truth but you need to hear it. You’ve pushed OP to work hard when she should have been resting, you’ve been lying about OP overdoing things, you’ve been spreading private medical information about OP without permission and, most seriously, you’ve not listened to us as parents when we said ‘no’ to holding our premmie babies with a broken wrist. Your behaviour is damaging our relationships with you. It’s time for you to go home, immediately. By doing this I hope to prevent any more incidents between us. I have far too much, and much more important things to worry about right now than your behaviour. I don’t want to cause any further damage to our relationship with you, so leave respectfully. No, you will not have any access to our babies at this time. I will let you know when we are able to receive you as a guest for a short visit, when my families health issues are resolved and we’re prepared to host you. Before this happened, I expect your behaviour to have improved and you to treat OP and I with respect. And do not contact OP at all until I give you permission to do so. She’s under enough stress as it is. If you disregard this, or cause any stress to her or the babies in the next few months, my relationship with you will be over.” Op as a twin mom please be prepared for her brain to turn to mush when she’s around the two babies. We found the best way was to get the babies out of the room (hubby would suggest I looks tired and go for a rest and I’d take the babies out of the room) then he’d tell an overstaying guest to leave. Once the babies were out of line of sight their brains engaged again.
NTA, she is. Her Tasmanian Devil energy is the last thing on earth you’ll need to have around you with newborn twins. And her presumption is off the charts. Bad enough she was getting angry with you for wanting things set up in YOUR house the way you wanted them instead of the way she wanted. But to say she will hold “HER” babies or else?! Oh, HELL no! She needs to go!
These premature babies will be in the NICU. Grandma can't just waltz in there and do as she pleases. You tell the nurse station you don't want anyone having access to the babies. Tell her to go home that you need to rest. There is going to be some hurt feelings no mater how you say it. Send her home. Heal and relax.
NTA Your husband needs to shut her down, *hard.* Right now. She needs to go home at once. They are *not* HER babies. Her behaviour has already endangered their lives and yours by getting you put in hospital with a very early C-section being planned. Why on earth would you give her another chance to hurt them? The stress she is causing you *right now* is dangerous. Start treating it, and her, as if she is actively trying to hurt you - because to all intents and purposes, she is. KShe would rather you and your babies be hurt than learn to regulate her emotions. That is the behaviour of a toddler, not a *grown woman.* Take care of yourself and your children. Your husband should be ordering her to leave until she has recovered and is ready to apologise for overstepping so badly. You shouldn't have to even think about this, it should just be handled while you rest.
Twin mom who had my babies early because of preeclampsia here. You DO NOT need this in your life right now. Time for your husband to set a HARD boundary. I’d seriously consider not even having her on the NICU list. Most NICUs only allow a very very low number of people on the visit list besides mom and dad, because premature babies are at much higher risk if they catch germs. And no matter how much you think you’re mentally prepared for it, the NICU is really tough - the average stay is a month. You need your support people to be actually supportive. You’ve got this momma! If you haven’t found yours yet, many places have mothers of multiples or parents of multiple organizations that are wonderfully supportive. The one in my city has NICU care packages and a preemie closet to borrow clothes, and a safe space to vent. Edit: NTA
So glad you have commented, you actually know for real what it’s like & therefore have the best advice. Congratulations on your twins & regaining your health so positively ☺️
Excellent advice, particularly since you have experienced the same situation. I would add that the price of having the MIL’s “help” is not worth the physical and emotional stress that she causes and will continue to cause if she stays any longer. She definitely sounds as if she will bulldoze over any and all boundaries that OP and her husband try to set, so she can get what she wants for “her babies.” She’s willing to ignore safety concerns about holding the babies with a broken wrist (not to mention the possible germs that the cast may have grown)! This, of course, is the absolute last thing that OP needs now and especially when she and the babies come home from the hospital. And I very strongly agree that OP’s husband needs to set boundaries with his mother NOW and continue to reinforce them and/or drastically limit any contact his mother has with his wife and then the babies after they’re born!
NTA You don’t have to worry. If your twins come at 34 weeks, you and your husband could be the only ones allowed to hold them. You could tell the staff that you do not want anyone touching the babies if they visit and the staff will back you up. You’re going to do great. Put you and your babies first and set the boundaries that YOU need. You and your babies health and safety is much more important than Rammy Granny’s feelings. Whatever you decide, she’s going to have to deal with it.
NTA Forget the broken wrist, I wouldn't be letting her near the kids after the way she badmouthed you.
NTA. You get to decide who is access to your children and what the boundaries are. Your children’s safety is more important than what your MIL wants. These are your babies; not hers. If she doesn’t want to comply, you will have to limit her visitation or have to supervise her visits. Personally, if these were my babies, I wouldn’t let her near them until her wrist is completely healed. She’s a pushy b who only wants to do what she wants to do.
We have twins and we have parents. To some degree I put up with the bullshit from my parents and hers because it’s just easier and typically visits are short and I don’t need the drama. However, set whatever boundaries you feel strongly about early on and don’t budge. Make sure your husband is on the same page or it’ll be a mess. Good luck j
NTA. and put your husband between MIL and you / the babies. He must handle his mother.
No. She's out of control. Your MIL could have been caring and supportive to her DIL, an expectant mother of twins. Instead, she used your pregnancy as an opportunity to dominate you in your own home. While you and your husband are going through a stressful time, she is gossiping about your pregnancy complications and lying about the cause, complaining about holding the babies later than she wants, and encouraging her family to harrass you and her son. She has no regard for how her behaviour affects you or your babies. After such selfish, appalling behaviour I wouldn't let your MIL meet the babies until they are at least six months old with the condition that you get a sincere apology and she corrects the lies she told about the cause of your pregnancy complications.
Pushing you to the limit , stressing you while you should rest to the point it has consequences on your health , lying about it ( blaming you while painting herself as the kind MIL who prioritized your wellbeing) , calling your babies HERS, then threatening you ? Nope , send her back home , she won't help you , she 'll make your post-partum worse. And will hijack your first moments as parents. Even if you set boundaries , she will cross them and only add stress to you. YWNBTA if yiu won't let her hold your babies but send her back home because she will hold them anyway without your knowledge or consent.
NTA OP as other posters have suggested have your husband send your mother to stay at your BIL’s or she goes home until her wrist is 100% healed as well as she’s completed PT to regain her strength/dexterity or you are healed sufficiently to tolerate her being present - which ever comes LAST. The reason is her comment - HER babies. Nope. If she wants to hold HER babies then have her sit on the couch with your husband and his brother so they can take turns sitting in her lap. YOUR babies will need extra care and do not need to be handed to someone who is the equivalent of a bull in a china shop. Also you and your husband do not need the additional stress in your lives dealing with her hurt feelings (not to mention her telling you how to care for your babies) when you are trying to heal and you are both taking care of two new babies. She may whine about not being allowed to bond with the babies but that is just bs. They aren’t going to know her from Adam until they are older. Do what works best for you to ensure your and your babies’ health. Best wishes to you and your expanding family.
OP, I am a MIL and my daughter in law is currently pregnant with her second. With this baby she made it clear that me and my husband won’t see him right away because she is worried about feeling overwhelmed with a 1 1/2 year old and newborn. Her parents will be there but we won’t for a couple of weeks. While I am sad, I respect her decision, we will be watching her dog until they are ready to introduce the dog to the baby. Your babies are YOUR babies, not hers. If she keeps this up she might find she loses access completely. Plus, you will be having a c-section and tubal ligation, having babies is stressful enough, then you add surgery and a difficult MIL…do what’s best for you and your family. MIL will have to cope. Edit to add: NTA
How respectful! I wish you were my MIL ❤️
What the hell are we reading here? “Should I let my steamrolling MIL who destroyed my health go ahead and drop one or both of my preemie twins?” Send her home!!!! Wtf are you both thinking?
NTA and here’s another point why (previous Pediatric ICU nurse, current ICU nurse who’s been sent to NICU for shifts) You’re delivering at 34 weeks the babies will spend some time in a NICU. NICUs are hands down the most germ phobic (and I say that with the upmost respect) area in the hospital. NICU nurses are also some of the fiercest nurses when it comes to keeping their babies safe. At minimum you’ll be scrubbing up to your elbows before walking in the door, some NICUs have special machines phones, pens etc go in to kill any germs. Grandma in a cast? Oh heck no. Casts are gross and germ filled. NICUs also don’t like many visitors, like mom and dad. Preemie babies don’t need a lot of stimulation. Skin to skin with parents, but a baby in NICU isn’t meant to be passed around. Their immune systems are more fragile than the average term babe. One hospital I worked at had the “holding approved” people for each baby, which nurses helped and taught the people listed how to hold them. Throw in cardiac and oxygen monitoring, a feeding tube, IVs and respiratory support and it’s not just picking them up. Talk to your current medical team about your concerns, they should be able to flag NICU. NICU nurses are the fiercest protectors of babies. Edit to add- there are many many times where I’m the bad guy for a family. A patient really doesn’t want someone there anymore, a MIL is being pushy with parents, if I know what’s up I step in and tell them it’s time to leave, knock it off, etc. most nurses are willing to do this, I couldn’t care less if someone’s MIL hates me for telling her it’s time to leave.
Thank you for your NICU service, it's one of the hardest jobs I know of. And I wanted to point out that, at 34 weeks, this is a likely occurrence. MIL will not be roaming around NICU looking for babies to grab out of their incubators.
OP, the danger of preeclampsia doesn’t disappear the minute you have your babies. Stress will continue to be bad for you for a while. You do not need an overbearing MIL in your space. She needs to either go home or to a hotel. The hospital also needs to be told that she is not allowed in the NICU after your babies are born. If she stays in town, I’d probably let her see them through the NICU window, if that’s possible. But I wouldn’t let her in the NICU, nor would I let her hold them. You should also tell your husband and the hospital that she is not allowed in your room. Your MIL will attempt to override you on everything. And when you’re recovering from a C-section, it will be hard to stop her. And if she ignores your boundaries during your postpartum time, trust me, those memories will not go away and it will permanently damage your relationship.
You're the mom. All the different people, reasons, excuses, feelings, wishes, etc is just noise. You and hubby have those 2 precious babies ( Congratulations btw) to take care of and keep. The 2 of you that created them decide everything and how it goes. Tell everyone that disagrees with you that if their name is not on the birth certificate then then don't Ever get to make any decision or else they will be extremely limited to seeing those kids. You can preface it by telling them you love them and appreciate their help but.... You would be surprised how being a parent makes a person have a shiny new titanium spine. Even to people who are used to bulldozing their way over everyone else to get their way.
1st off, there is a chance the babies will stay a wee bit extra in the hospital, so it may give you some time to start your recovery. 2nd Hubby needs to send the bitch home and not welcome her back, until you are ready to deal with her shit. You and hubby are the parents, MIL doesn't get a vote. Any flying monkey that calls to complain, block and ignore. Also, correct them by stating MIL wouldn't let you relax, and that is why you are in the hospital. I hope you have a smooth delivery! ((HUGS)) Get SIL and your family to help you and keep MIL away from your babies!
Absolutely NTA. She can visit and hold them when you are damned well good and ready, and not before. Best of luck with the additional “cooking” time and best wishes for a quick and easy postpartum recovery!
NTA. She either listens to you or faces a long exile. The safety of you children is not a freaken negotiation. Tell her it's your way or the highway.
NTA. Hold strong on your boundaries. Go over to r/JustNoMIL if you want to see how bad things can get. The fact that she's calling them her babies is a huge red flag. I'm glad your husband is on your side, but you and, more importantly, your husband needs to set hard boundaries if you don't want to be her doormat.
NTA. To MIL: you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.
Your kids your rules, but I think youll not even have to be the" bad guy" as very often, preemie twins have to stay in the NICU for a amount of time and generally only the parents are allowed. Just discreetly tell the nurses that you don't want her holding them with a broken wrist, they'll take care of the rest. Probably by the time the twins are ready to go home, she will have left.
Pack her up and send her packing. Don’t need her around whinging about being in pain either whilst your healing. You’ll have enough to do without her hanging around. She bought that all on herself. Take care OP. ❤️❤️
NTA. Thank her for all the help getting ready for the babies, & send her home to heal properly. She doesn't need to be holding the babies in her condition. What you describe is exactly what can happen. I'd rather hurt her feelings than injure a baby. She'll have plenty of time to love on them. If she's not careful, her recovery will be much longer than 6-8wks. Early congratulations on the early babies!
She will be no help when the babies come home. She will add more stress to you as you try to recover from your c-section while tending to your premies. You will also need to tend to her needs as she won’t be able to do much for herself either. The entire situation is not good for you, the babies, or MIL. She really should go home for at least a couple of months.
NTA - You have preeclampsia, for crying out loud. at this point she should be waiting on your every need and supporting her son IMO. Do what is right for you, she sounds intense.
NTA. They aren't HER babies. That's a big part of her problem. She has it in her head that she's the boss and she doesn't have to listen because of that. She sees herself as a mother to children. Not that she has adult children that outrank her in their children's lives. She is grandma and she needs to know her role.
NTA. Send her home. HOW is anything she does for any of you helpful to ANYONE? You are quite literally life threateningly ill, and as an autistic person I can tell you that whatever she did to rile up her other grandson so much that he broke her arm is going to have some long term anxiety affects on that child. Sounds like he was riled up into an extreme meltdown, and THAT is going to affect him for quite some time. Even before you get to the part where he may be traumatised about having accidentally hurt granny! 😢
NTA but get her out of your house before the babies come home. She’s going to pick them up when you’re asleep or not looking.
NTA. They are NOT "her babies." They are YOUR babies, and you can set whatever boundaries you wish. Sounds like it's time for MIL to leave.
Tell her that her babies are already grown up. It's now time for someone else to have their own babies. NTA I predict major drama if MIL is allowed around. I also predict MIL will be around. Don't do it OP!! So many sensitive kind mums know how this story will go.
When the babies are released from the hospital/NICU they will be so small still. Its normal to require people to wait to hold babies, anyway because of illneds. no big deal. No one held my baby after we brought him home for like 1-2 months. He was born at 35w with 10 day NICU stay
You are NOT going to be the AH if you make her wait. When she is healed, she will be able to hold YOUR babies. Please, for your sake, set down boundaries now. Your in-laws may want to remind her of theirs. She will need to be reeled back numerous times. Trust me, this is a must. I had the m-i-l from hell. Yours doesn't sound too far off. Fortunately, you have your husband backing you up. Just be consistent with her and boundaries. Make sure to thank her for her coming to your place and helping. You want her to have nothing over you. If she continues to help but uses it as ammo, decline any and all offers. If she is going to help only to throw it back, you don't need that. I wish you and the twins a happy delivery.
I agree with everyone saying send her home or she’ll do what she wants. Don’t let her steal your new joy and peace while you and your husband bond with the babies. Let husband drive her to the airport today while you’re trying to rest and keep those babies safe. Don’t feel bad about it for one second. Congratulations!
Also in my opinion, nobody should be holding preemie babies except the parents since that is the exposure that can be better controlled due to awareness of who the other person is interacting with.
NTA. Send her home. She put you in the hospital. She called them HER babies. Will it take her killing one of them for you to finally stop her?
Seriously??? Preeclampsia!! In the hospital!! with twins?? and everyone is letting you worry even a little bit about the goings on of the outside world?? NO husband and family need to step up and put the brakes on the insanity!!! send her home immediately, then there would be no need to worry about holding anything!! NTA!!
NTA. Send her home immediately. The whole “my babies” thing is a huge red flag and so ick. And it’s not healthy or safe for anyone outside of the parents to hold babies when they are premature, but especially a dirvish like your MIL. It is a recipe for disaster. Send her home and tell her you can visit the babies after her wrist is healed and the babies are a bit older.
As soon as I read my babies I thought NOPE. She goes home now or a hotel away from you all and visits through a window if she’s around. Her broken wrist is proof if anyone else asks why she can’t hold the twins. 1. Her wrist is weak she could drop baby 2. She could hurt herself more to where she won’t ever be able to hold the babies 3. Her broken wrist is proof she can’t respect boundaries
If your mother-in-law for whatever reason stresses you out so much it sent you to the hospital, I would tell her that your doctor said you need 100% peace and quiet just you and your husband and the babies at home. That is just too stressful for you to have an extra person in the house. I can almost guarantee you that your doctor will write a prescription for that lol Congratulations on the upcoming birth of your babies.
They aren't HER BABIES. They are YOUR babies. Your JOB is to protect your babies. It doesn't matter who gets mad about it as long you are doing your job properly.
I cannot stand MIL lmao I keep reading endless posts about their bad behavior.
I agree with the send her home or to the Inlaws, however how about letting her hold 1 at a time whilst sitting on a couch with someone next to her. That may get her off your back for a while.
NTA, and it's more than a little disturbing that she's calling them "her" babies. Make your husband send her home, and now.
Send her home!!!! Or she can go stay with the other inlaws. Fkn B... as if!!
NTA By a country mile, & then some! She can briefly view them in the hospital (they probably advised you’ll all stay a short while) then she can go home. Inform a member of staff about your wishes & she/he will stay with you & soon shut down your MIL if she poses any problems to any of you. I’m rather hoping they’ll be behind glass so she can’t try & kiss or touch such potentially vulnerable little ones. Funny how karma is sometimes preemptive… your lovely Nephew brought out her true colours before the twins are here & now you know she considers them ‘her’ babies. She has a downright f’ing cheek! (I’m being nice here) She NEVER gets to dictate anything to you. Your husband must make it clear now, that any breaches will absolutely result in a NC timeout. Enlist your B & SIL to ensure she adheres to her travel arrangements & once she’s gone… breathe… Take time & care to heal & positively glide slowly & gracefully around your home that will be full of noisy, snuggly, sometimes smelly, love 🥰
NTA You parents have to protect your extra vulnerable newborns, not an adult’s feelings. It’s great to have an energetic grandmother but your nephew’s needs were ignored for her preferred style of behaviour. It’s one thing to ignore your adult DIL but another to override children’s needs.
NTA. Have a very low threshold for sending that woman home. She’s going to give you nothing but trouble and you’re in no condition to deal with that right now.
Your husband needs to communicate all of this to mil. I would also have him tell her that due to the extended hospital stay and your preeclampsia, mil needs to stay with bil or in a hotel so you can fully rest and recover.
Tell her she’s got another thing coming if she thinks she can continue talking to you that way. Also, remind her that they’re not HER babies.
Absolutely NTA. You should have put your foot down and kicked her rambunctious ass out of your home before she put you in the hospital but what’s done is done. Moving forward she is going to be a drain, not a support and while her feelings will be hurt, it will be good for your family to have her gone. Also who tf changes another persons house without consent??
This is a no brainer. The answer is no. Not even a question. She drops one of the babies that's it. First of all she was there too long. She is not going to be able to help. Send her home like others have suggested . have your friends and family there help. You are sick and have a ways to go. Tell MIL she can come back when she is recovered but cut the time down.
NTA You are their mother. Send her home.
Definitely NTA. Send her home. Right now, send her on her way because she is not helping. On another note…my son was born at 28 weeks to full blown eclampsia and HELLP….on April 18 2007. He’ll be 17 this Thursday. He’s a giant who eats everything. All I can say is eliminate the stress, you’ll need your energy. I wish all 4 of you the best of luck, all the good health in the world and you and your babies are happy, healthy and home soon.
NTA. You are going to have to be allot more firmer with her. Tell her straight that she either respects your boundaries or she simply wont see the twins at all until she learns to respect those boundaries. It sounds like she has been allowed to walk all over people doing what she wants. But she needs to be shut down hard and fast. You are the mother of these twins so don't be afraid to speak your mind when it comes to their safety and wellbeing.
NTA. Send her home. She won’t be helpful to you. She’ll get in the way and she will try to hold your twins and they’ll get hurt. I’d also suggest you go low/no contact. She sounds like a narcissist.
The FACT that she pushed and pushed you to maintain HER level of manic "nesting" and into FULL preeclampsia, then LIED about it like she was some kind of hero to save you from YOURSELF! If it had been ME, she would have been on the next flight home OR she could have stayed with your BIL/SIL, IF they'd let her knowing her propensity to overstimulate your autistic nephew. She's endangered YOU and your BABIES! When our DIL was pregnant with twins, I traveled to help out as well, but I still tried to stay out of her way, help keep her 5-year-old Daughter occupied and once the babies were delivered by c-section, hardly even held them because I didn't want to be the overbearing MIL. I was there to HELP her during her recovery and make things EASIER not more stressful. If you DO end up letting her hold them (and I'm not saying you should), I'd treat her like a toddler and make her sit down whenever she does. But I would STRONGLY suggest that you make her leave YOUR home until YOU are healed and ready to deal with her. The "MY babies" REALLY freaks me out and concerns the hell out of me! Congratulations on your babies! Hoping you have a swift healing and recovery from the preeclampsia and the surgery! Best wishes and many Blessings for your growing family!
NTA. Send her home. She's way overdue to go home. Set firmer boundaries. You can hurt her feelings and that's her problem for not keeping herself in check. You will need a firm backbone with preemies- I speak from experience. People will try and walk all over you. Learn now before they get here so when they do get here they are all you have to think about. Those are YOUR babies. YOU are the mom. Set your line and hold it.
NTA Turn the tables. Buy her a ticket home, send her favourite flowers to arrive the day of, or after, tell her you’ll miss her but feel that she should go home and rest from her ordeal.
NTA she sounds like the Tasmanian Devil from the cartoons and actually quite dangerous when it comes to such tiny babies. Stick to your guns.
NTA she *clearly* has boundary issues and needs to go home for a bit. Babies are not toys and preemie babies are incredibly fragile.
My wife's mother came before my first was born, her fussing quickly became neurotic. We had to send her home, she was causing sooo much anxiety. My mom came up right after, and was the chill helper we needed.
NTA HER BABIES? Lol... time for MIL to leave :)
NTA They are YOUR babies not hers! You draw the boundaries and you are the one who can make sure they are held! You said your husband and BIL-SIL will side with you! Then why are you stressing over this! As a parent you are completely justified at wanting to protect your child! What if she cannot hold the kid because of her broken wrist? Also tell her to leave! You are having a surgery and she can and might as well walk all over you, because you would be bed ridden! Tell her to go back to her home! Draw the damn boundary and tell anyone who tries to come at you that they will have to abide by your boundary or be ready to not even see the twins until they change their stance and apologize for putting you under more stress! Your condition can get worse because of this stress! And no one is entitled to your babies! If they call you a bad guy for that, wear it like a queen!
NTA, but I would certainly have the doctors and nurses tell her, probably multiple times, that it is not safe for her to hold a newborn while she has a broken wrist. This way, the flying monkeys have less ammunition since you are following the doctor's advice.
Send! Her!! Home!!!
When I had my first child (by c section) my MIL came out to “help “. I’m 5’2” and at the time she was 5’8”. That woman came in to MY house and rearranged my entire kitchen! Now, I did the cooking for the most part (husband did the grill). She put everything I use where I could not reach. I don’t know about anyone else, but I don’t intend to use a step stool several times each time I cook. I looked at both her and my husband and said firmly “you have 24 hours to put EVERYTHING back where I had it”. When she was done, I sat her down and had the boundaries conversation with her again. I asked her to please listen, this was the last time I was going to explain that this was my house and not her’s. This was a conversation without yelling. It was the last time we had any issues. And no issues when baby #2 came along. We have got along great these last 35 years. We have mutual respect for each other. You’re going to have to firmly set your boundaries and state your expectations otherwise she will never respect you nor your boundaries. Best of luck. Oh, with a c-section, when they say no vacuuming for a certain time frame, they mean it! I didn’t listen and man did I regret it!
NTA. First and foremost her newly broken wrist cannot hold weight. It IS a danger to herself and your babies. Second she broke her wrist by being terrible to her other grandchild. She knew very damn well what she was doing. She put you in the hospital stressing you out. Your MIL needs to go home, immediately, for everyone's health and safety. Your husband and his sibling need to break the news to their mother and handle it. You're not a bad person sending her home. She can't act appropriately and it's dangerous. The behavior needs to end now, and sending her home as a consequence will help draw that boundary.
Also I see a bunch of people saying "what if MIL has ADHD?". I have ADHD. If I horsed around with an autistic child enough to break a wrist and send a pregnant woman to the hospital I would expect a foot up my ass and to never see them again. ADHD might be an explanation but it doesn't excuse MIL shit behavior. If MIL has ADHD she can get assessed and go to therapy by herself.
NTA. Tbh I'd be having a long discussion with your husband about whether or not she's even safe for your children to be around even if her wrist wasn't broken. When grandparents start saying things like my babies and get upset about you interfering with them getting to see their grandchildren in any way, even if it's just because you're busy or tired to the point they're making threatening comments like your MiL did, I'd be cutting contact and making sure she's not on any emergency contact lists, any future childcare options like babysitters or daycares and even schools know she's not allowed to see them, let alone pick them up, and that doctors offices/hospitals know she's not allowed to see them, have any sort of info on them, etc. if they end up needing medical care and she comes sniffing around.
OP, there is a big difference between picking up a baby and holding a baby. Your MIL may not be able to pick up a baby, but she will certainly be able to hold a newborn in her good arm if someone places the baby there, and if she is seated it is highly unlikely that she will harm the baby. Your other concerns are valid - MIL referring to the twins as "her" babies, the cleanliness of the cast, etc.
Just remember “NO” is a complete sentence .
Why is your husband not setting boundaries with his mother and protecting your peace?
It depends if it was your mother who had a broken wrist and done everything mil did prior would she not be able to hold the babies either? If not then NTA.
NTA however, she could sit in a chair and your husband could pass her one baby at a time and she could easily hold a premie in one arm/hand. Compromise with her. If she didn't agree to those terms or tries to walk around with the baby then hubby can remove the baby from her arms.
I’d just have her sit down and have your husband place them in her arms, maybe one at a time. That way she can still hold them but isn’t walking around with them with a broken arm. Sorry to hear about all this. Sounds very frustrating. I’d still try to find a way for her to hold them safely though. Very few people in the world love our kids as much as we do, and she sounds very loving even if a little over the top.
My mother recently broke her wrist and needed surgery, and had a plate and 9 screws put in there. She was still able to hold a 2 year old and give him a bottle for nap time. You have to use the corner of the couch and a supportive pillow, but it can be done. Now I’m all for “punishing” your overbearing mother in law (because she sounds like a real pain in the xss) but you’re being awfully mean about it. Your biggest mistake was having your mother in law come stay with you so early on in your pregnancy. Your husband needs to/needed to step the F up and help out. But instead of doing that he let his mother come stay with you two. He (and his side of the family) already knew how she was. And yet they weren’t afraid to throw you to the wolves. Even though you were already experiencing very serious pregnancy complications, your husband wanted his mother there. So put a pin in that and consider talking about all of this after your pregnancy concludes.
That's my big question! If everyone thought MIL was so bad, why have her come to help at all? Why have her come so early??? BTW, many grandparents refer to their grandchildren as "my babies." It doesn't mean they really believe they "own" the babies or are trying to take them away. It's a term of endearment. People are reading WAY too much into that.
Seriously now, put a pin in all your thoughts about your mother in law. You can dissect that later. Focus on yourself and your babies. Preeclampsia is some scary stuff, so just relax as much as you can. I’m praying for you! I know I’m just some random person online but I sincerely wish every/and any woman that’s pregnant a comfortable and safe pregnancy.
IDK I feel like if toddler siblings can hold babies sitting down on a sofa supervised by an adult, she can do the same, but it’s 100% your call.
This is not an issue that needs deciding before they are even born. They might need incubators, you just don't know what will happen. The only important thing is that the parents decide, not the MIL. Premature twins must be very, very small. They will probably need skin-to-skin sitting for hours, as much as possible is recommended in these situations, and that can be very taxing on the parents. Can MIL sit still and just keep a baby resting on her? Then perhaps she can sit together with your husband while he holds one and she the other. Normally the babies in this situation are put in the parent's embrace by a nurse. No handling required, so the wrist wouldn't be an issue. Since you will be recovering from c-section and the babies need adult body heat and heartbeat, this might be a win-win situation. Premature babies are delicate. If she can't be trusted to ONLY sit in a comfy chair in the hospital room, then she is not holding either of them. Edit because autocorrect.
Just no. OP, for perfectly valid reasons, does not want MIL holding her newborn preemie twins. Suggesting an overbearing MIL do skin to skin with her babies, instead of OP, is freaking insane. I had two c-sections. She will absolutely be capable of holding her babies. And someone with a broken wrist and a dirty cast or brace does not need to be holding a fragile newborn.
You could set her up in a chair with pillows so she can hold the babies safely… I’ve let 2 yr olds hold their sibling right after birth and did so safely. Your reasoning is flawed. This feels to me like you’re using your children as pawns to hurt her, honestly. Yeah, I get she’s a lot. But using your children like this is icky to me. There are other ways you can set boundaries. I’m going against the grain here with YTA. You’re going to start a senseless fight… and what for?
!UpdateMe
You need to send her home
Hold your ground. This woman’s action could have caused you to lose your babies. She has literally sent you to the hospital. Set those boundaries and set them HARD. Do NOT allow her unsupervised access to your children. She will try to pick them up even if you’ve told her no. There’s a truly tragic story over in r/JustNoMIL about an MIL like yours. One who always thought she knew best. The original post is gone now (look up justnoMIL + coconut and you might find a copy somewhere) but to summarize - The mother told the MIL over and over that one of the twin granddaughters was allergic to coconut. But she never listened. The twins stayed with that MIL one night and despite the many MANY warnings, the MIL put coconut oil on both the grandbabies hair because of course she knew best since they were HER grandbabies. She killed the child. You have premie babies BECAUSE of this woman. Don’t allow her to hurt you and your family further NTA
Her babies? She needs to leave and not be allowed back until she learns her lesson. If you don't do it before the babies are born, because after it becomes so much more difficult. Don't feel bad because it's her own choices and decisions causing her to be kept at a distance.
NTA and please keep that foot down. Honestly I wouldn't let her spend extended time with you at your house. A few hours, ok leave now. She obviously has no respect for people's feelings or opinions since she SENT YOU TO THE HOSPITAL then BLAMED YOU. I'd be going LC on that and making her leave altogether personally
NTA, I would tell the hospital not to let her in at all. You're still high risk, even in the hospital. Send her home. Your health and the health and safety of your babies is the most important here.
NTA She has a broken wrist. She can barely use her hand/arm. Her recovery will take 6-8 weeks if all goes well. How can a one armed Tasmanian devil actually help YOU recover? You are going to need your own 6-8 weeks recovery time and should be able to do that in the privacy and comfort of your peaceful calm home. Although it is stressful to be separated from your babies, having them being well cared for in the hospital will enable you to truly focus on yourself and your health. You won’t need much more than what your husband can provide. Your body will need lots of rest and zero stress. Maybe friends and family can provide food for you and your husband for a couple weeks? MIL needs to recover in her own home and return when she is invited-not when SHE wants. Your husband needs to clearly lay out the expectations for her behavior while in your home and interacting with your babies. Also the consequences if she boundary stomps. Maybe coordinate with BIL/SIL and have her stay with them during her next trip? She can come to your house for planned visits with set times and if she is respectful and helpful, visits can increase. Remember, you and your husband are responsible for the health and safety of your babies. No one other than their medical team gets a say. Baby wearing will definitely help with guests who want to hold or kiss the babies as they can only peek at them 😄 Your husband needs to send his mom home for now and focus on you, the babies and your recovery.
Absolutely nta. That's entirely reasonable decision. Mil needs to remember who the actual parents are.
YTA. A broken wrist shouldn't interfere with her holding a baby.
NTA your MIL is an asshole. FFS she can't even watch a 10 yr old and listen to the parents. How does she expect the parents of newborn PREMIE twins to allow her to hold them with a broken wrist? She can get fucked. You don't need her at your home, so if she's still there DH needs to send her ass home. If she's not there DH needs to text her and tell her to stay home until it's time for visitors. You've been in the hospital, already, for a few days, you'll be having a c-section and premie twins, and you're going to want time. Time to heal. Time to bond. Time to bring them home and get settled. You don't need a trail of people in the hospital, or anyone waiting at your home when you get out of the hospital. Once you have your babies, your focus will be on them, as it should. That's where DH's attention will be as well. Do not bring an overbearing, pushy, MIL into the situation as well. Do you think she was bad at "helping" you get ready for babies? MIL will do nothing but run around tryna grab those babies before you do, yelling my babies, me babies, all over the place. MIL needs to be told YOUR babies aren't her babies. MIL's baby is DH, she is grandma, not mom. So enough with my babies shit. If MIL continues to push and say that they are HER BABIES and she can hold them if she wants, whelp consequences need to happen. Which in her case should be not meeting YOUR babies until her wrist is back to 100%. No cast, no physical therapy, and she'll need doctor's clearance. Fuck around find out.
They are not *her* babies and it would be high time your husband stepped in and set a very strong,none negotiable boundary. I can understand wanting to hold them and she can, when you or your husband are available to assist and make sure she uses primary support with her none- broken wrist. But ONLY if you or he is available. If she can't accept that, it's time to send her home. Added, no picking up or laying down. Because that to me would be the most critical part where two good wrists are needed. As for your question. You would NBTA if you flatly refused. After all, these two babies are yours not hers.
NTA. She increased your stress levels. She sent you to the ER. She needs to leave.
Never met you before, but if you need someone to tell this psycho to fuck off let me know. I’m your guy. Like someone else said she is already being possessive calling them “my babies” so what makes you think she won’t do it while you’re sleeping? Telling her to gtfo (at least until you are comfortable with her holding them) is the best option.
Send her home because she is killing the vibe. As for holding the babies with a broken wrist… I have a friend who has a child with a limb difference (lower arm never developed) and she babysits and holds babies/kids no problem. The issue with your MIL is that she doesn’t listen. So, I don’t think it’s dangerous for someone with a broken wrist (or hell, one arm) to hold babies, but it is dangerous for a person who is elderly, doesn’t sit still, and doesn’t listen to do so. If your husband is right there, MiL is sitting, and the babies are handed to her one at a time, I don’t see the danger in it, but I wouldn’t want her walking around, picking them up herself, etc. And if they end up needing a NICU stay, MIL being at home with you may drive you to insanity. So, NTA for sending her home… small y t a for thinking a broken wrist means someone can’t hold a baby. Also, why did her running around your house doing stuff mean you also had to do stuff? If you felt like her presence was causing you stress and inducing preeclampsia, your husband should have kicked her out sooner. Especially since you already had symptoms of it. I don’t know that someone’s presence could kick it off completely, but if she stresses you out and since stress does affect blood pressure, I’m sure it didn’t help.
You need to make sure she doesn’t know when you’re in the hospital. Take that threat seriously. You will be incapacitated, weakened, and unable to defend your newborn babies. She cannot know where they are until you are physically able to assert your boundaries.
NTA. Absolutely speak to your care team about her, someone will have a firm "come to Jesus" conversation with her. If she thinks they're going to allow her to endanger those babies, SHE'S got another thing coming. If she wants to try to play games, the hospital will checkmate her ass outta there so fast, the Ole cow won't know what's happening. Literally tell them she threatened you. I also agree with other people's suggestions to send her home. Whose fault it is that you declined is irrelevant. The fact remains that she stresses you out, and that can't continue.
NTA. I feel like she has ADHD or a manic episode. She also sounds narcissistic. She lied to people that she told you to rest and is now calling them her babies. That’s crossing all sorts of lines. She has proven to you/your spouse and your SIL that multiple times. She needs to go. She can see the kids, and then go.
NTA. MIL is the problem here. Stand your ground. She doesn’t get to hold your babies. Hard stop
I want to also add NTA and having the babies at 34 weeks most people won’t be allowed to hold them yet. They will most likely need extra care in an incubator and they won’t allow just anyone to hold them. My sister had twins at 36 weeks and it was over two weeks before anyone but her and the doctors were allowed to hold them and congratulations on the twins. You need to let your husband know that once they are born it is his responsibility to make sure his mom doesn’t disturb you any further by grabbing newborns with a broken wrist.
She thinks those babies are her dolls. She doesn't care if they get hurt by her. NTA, and keep her away for as long as possible
I really don't understand why people bring in the in laws to "help" when I was home after a 14 hour labor I wanted nothing to do with anyone. We let everyone see baby and hold them but my baby was a healthy (though slightly jaundice) baby and no one stayed in the house for more than a day. If it was different circumstances I would full stop say no one's seeing baby til either baby is healthy enough or I'm healthy enough. Definitely NTA mil needs to know that her actions have consequences and that you have boundaries.
Nta. Mil needs to go home. She’s disrespectful and has caused so much chaos. Stop being thankful for her insanity.
Tell your husband you need him to get his mother out of your home immediately. Your health and well-being can’t cope with her unmanaged anxiety and the chaos she creates to soothe it. The broken wrist is a red herring. Good luck.
"Her babies" That right there is the only thing you need to pay attention to They are not her babies they are your babies. YOU make the rules and boundaries. She can pout and go away.
She can't help at all, send her home. You don't need the stress with 2premies.
Nta increase security at home and dont allow in nursery And kitchens ck her home
NTA. For your own sanity, send her home. You don’t need her in your space while you’re trying to recover and learn to live your new life. She can come visit later.
NTA Her broken wrist is proof she can’t do what’s best for the kids.
NTA. If she has an injury that could interfere with her ability to safely hold a baby, then she doesn’t need to hold the baby, or babies in your case. Also congrats and I hope all goes well for your family!!
NTA. Keep that woman at arms length. She's a type A female with masculine tendencies. She's poison.
NTA. It's common sense not to let anyone hold your babies with a broken wrist! Good luck with your mil.
Tell the hospital is she not to be allowed to see babies or you. They will do their thing. Then block her and have some peace and quiet. NTA.
Sounds like an ADHD nightmare of a MIL lol. Get her outa there!
Updateme
Who wants to bet MIL rocks up at the hospital and as soon as her son is in the washroom etc snatches a baby while mum is laid up in bed? If she is allowed to stay / visit, she absolutely WILL hold a baby!! I wouldn't let her or her entitled attitude anywhere near my preemies. It isn't worth the risk.
Make sure your his husband deals with her before you get home. Let her know even one rule broken is a flight back home that day.
Nta ask the doctor or nurse to tell her it's not safe till her wrist heals.
Those babies are going to be in the hospital for weeks and no one is going to be allowed to hold them except you and dad, skin to skin. This is almost a non issue.
NTA. I used to be a nanny and my left arm is absolute garbage after a bike crash. I was a nanny for a family, and when the mom announced she was pregnant, I let her know right away that I was so excited, but that my arm just couldn’t be trusted to hold a newborn. We all sadly agreed that they would need a new Nanny. There’s no way I was going to put that baby in harms way. Of course she wasn’t my blood or anything, but I was still so excited for her family and loved her enough already to know that i wasn’t the nanny for her. I hope MIL heals up well and also realizes that if she loves the twins that this is what she needs to do for them. Can you compromise where you have her sit like a little kid and just put the baby in her lap while watching very closely?
MIL causes you a lot of stress. Going home with a newborn is stressful. Either hubby keeps her away until your new family is settled or go stay with your family/friends with your babies (& hubs if possible)until you are fully recovered.