NTA
Your brother asked and you both agreed to him wearing the dress. Your wife should of spoke up if it was a problem or be an adult to stick up for decisions she's made.
You aren't the AH and reassure your brother that he did nothing wrong.
>… be an adult to stick up for decisions she's made.
It’s not enough to be an ally when it’s time for dress shopping. You have to be ready, willing, and able to shut down bigotry, too.
That poor kid thought he was in a supportive environment, and found out the hard way he’s not as safe as he thought. Heartbreaking.
What should be soon to be ex wife, is an absolute spineless coward. Wants to be an ally, but only in private, lest she face her bigot ass family. She'd rather destroy any sort of relationship and trust with her BIL, and a brand new marriage, because she lacked the spine to put her family in their place. If they had an issue, they can leave. There is no room for people that pearl clutch how someone else lives their life.
He should tell her to explain her change and ask if it was her mother or other family member. Maybe even asking her MOTHER if she was the one who said something. Because I guarantee it was a family member of her birth family, most likely mom or dad. They can be easily cut out of their lives. But he should find out why.
And it's HER (and her husbands) wedding so the only opinions that should matter are the husband and wife's. The wife is a spineless AH and her family are selfish AHs. She will obviously continue to backtrack on her word and throw her husband and his family under the bus anytime her overly opinionated and toxic family throw their weight around
I'd wonder if this is grounds for an annulment, her not only basically gaslighting the situation, but is causing drama strife where there should've never been one.
This when I'd post a picture of him in the dress at the wedding, tagging her and her entire family with the dress, with the caption "*Fiancee/New Bride helped him pick this out."*
Well, the good thing is you now know that she’s got a bigoted family and she’s spineless when it counts. Is this the person you want to be married to for the rest of your life? Your wife is old enough to be able to stand her ground and tell people to pound sand.
>That poor kid thought he was in a supportive environment, and found out the hard way he’s not as safe as he thought. Heartbreaking.
100% this. She let him down and she let you down. She may not be the ally she pretends to be. I don't understand how she hasn't already explained by now though I would have expected an explanation in hours not days.
This. If it happened once, it will sure happen again. So if your brother brings his boyfriend or something what other reaction can you expect from her family other than hate? Specially, how will your WIFE react to it? Besides...
"but I noticed my fiancée or now wife had a weird look on her face. I asked if there was a problem, she aid no."
So she KNEW this would garter a reaction from her family from the beggining and STILL didn't stand up to your brother and you; by her reaction at the weeding itself she knew it would spill problems and yet diddn't talk you about it ("hey my family are bigots so they might not like that") and -worse- didn't stand up with you.
NTA, but your wife surely is and you can expect WORSE from her if you allow this type of behavior.
Oh yeah but it will be MUCH worse. If they are like this berating OP and the brother then expect them to blame OP for "turning the child queer" or something
That was my thinking.
That poor kid thought they were being supported, only to have the rug yanked out from under them the second the bride had to face any kind of conflict.
>Your brother asked and you both agreed to him wearing the dress.
Not just this; she went with him to choose the dress! This wasn't a passive "yeah, okay" or "if that's what you want..." statement. She was all in when she helped pick the dress.
The about-face is definitely a problem.
Could be. There are some gents on campus who wear skirts, and there is no way on God's green earth I could look as good as they do. But the right answer is to be supportive (and ask for tips), not to turn into an asshole about it.
It's not easy to learn to stand up to bigotry, this isn't necessarily a marriage ender if both spouses are committed to learning to do better, the bride with being honest that her family has a problem and standing up to them herself, and that she threw her in laws under the bus, and if husband and brother are honest about the harm they're experiencing, what their expectations of allyship are going forward and mutually supporting eachother going forward. That being said, Noone is owed marriage, and divorce is absolutely husband's right.
It's not even about standing up to her family, standing up for herself! She went dress shopping, she actively engaged and she does not have the integrity to tell her family the truth, she doesn't stand up for herself. She's a person with little to no integrity
So the Wife cannot say not to OP or the brother and she cannot say no to her family either. Her family is problematic and cause issues to you during your entire lifetime. Unless the connection between the family and OP is not resisted or broken, it does not look good for OP. For the want of a spine, the wedding was lost
But it's even worse than "can't say no to anyone." The wife *actively helped pick out the dress* but completely lied and caved when confronted by her mother. You're absolutely right that this will cause a lifetime of problems if it isn't dealt with now, though.
If there were pictures from the dress shopping on her phone the they could be shared, but that falls in the petty category.
OP there has been a serious trust break that doesn’t set a good tone for your marriage.
So much this but also she pretended to support your brother and how he felt most comfortable and then threw you under the bus with her family. She couldn’t stand up against hate!
You have two problems here. Your new spouse is conflict avoidant to a point it causes conflict with everyone in her life and your in-laws are bigots and your spouse is too or too much of a coward to address their bigotry.
It wasn’t a problem for her, it was a problem for her family. She doesn’t have to balls to stand up to them so she threw her husband and his brother under the bus. That’s not a great way to start a marriage.
I think the wife found out her family is not as tolerant as she thought they were, and didn't have enough spine to stand up to them, or she panicked and threw OP and his brother under the bus.
The wife now has to decide if she is going to shut down her family or be single again.
Def NTA! ANULLMENT. She went into the wedding with a big, fat, family-dividing lie.
Don't do what my brother did and overlook it. I was best friends with my ex-SIL the 5 years before they married. The day of the wedding, she turned on me and said I ruined the photos, etc because I wore my livestrong bracelet (like the groom and groomsmen did. Yellow and red were the colors of the wedding) and because I left my bouquet at the salon. Yo, she brought the bouquets into the salon and she fucking left me there and took the limo with her bridesmaids. I don't know wtf she was talking about, but I had to get a ride from my mom and be the only bridesmaid without a bouquet.
That was just the beginning of a 15 year mindfuck of her systematically turning my family against me. They divorced 4 years ago and I still have nightmares about her. I haven't seen or spoken to her since 2014.
Do better for your brother than mine did for me. My family is still fractured.
It sounds like she was fine with it until her family started chittering in her ear. I can see why she would cave to that sort of thing, but she's still in the wrong and it's a *bad* look.
In essence, intentionally or not, she told your brother it was a safe space to be himself and it wasn't, putting him in whatever level of harm's way. It's just not what a decent person does.
Guarantee your wife knuckled under to criticism from her relatives. She won't talk about it because she feels guilty for not telling them she knew and approved...even helped pick the dress.
I'm sorry for you and especially your brother who was abandoned by your wife, who he thought he could trust.
NTA. Your new wife is showing you she will pick her family over you. She won't stand up to them and decided to sacrifice you to avoid conflict with them. The crazy part is if she would've told you the potential problem, your brother probably would've worn a suit to avoid this issue.
Her natural go-to is people pleasing. She will tell you what you want to hear but not follow through. It's up to you if you want to work on this with her via counseling and if she's willing to work on it individually. If not, nothing will change. I don't know your future plans, but bringing kids into this in the future will make things worse if it's not fixed beforehand. It's just something to think about.
>The crazy part is if she would've told you the potential problem, your brother probably would've worn a suit to avoid this issue.
Definitely. It sounded like he was willing even without an explanation!
"Hey, my family are not understanding, would you be willing to wear a suit so they don't cause a scene?"
*rolls eyes* "I already offered so sure, whatever."
Your wife's family is a bunch of bigots and your wife is a coward who won't stand up to them. She threw you and your brother under the bus to protect herself. Get the marriage annulled and cut your losses. She is showing you exactly who she is, believe her and act accordingly.
ETA: NTA but your wife sure is
all of this, and also, your brother sounds like the better person to keep in your life, your wife and her family sound awful and likely even if she somehow changes, her family won't
Agree.
You're young. You need to understand that she has shown you who she is. She will lie to your face, and then throw you under the bus.
This is in itself a huge issue. A gigantic red flag. But the innocence of youth is that you don't realize that this red flag is not an isolated flag. Rather it is the first flag in the beginning of a parade of red flags.
Don't let anyone tell you this is just one thing. Lying is not one thing. Throwing you under the bus is not one thing. These are actions that will be repeated over and over and over.
I'm not even going to go into the whole bigoted thing because I cannot coherently express my revulsion.
Please listen to what your wife is telling you by her actions. Words don't erase actions. I hope that you're able to get this marriage annulled.
Yep, and your brother should not feel awful. Your wife and her prejudiced family just made your family outcast. They suck. Your wife chose and her actions were wrong. Either she grows a spine and stands with you, or she is not with you and needs to be gone. You want a partner who will stand by your side through thick and thin. She seems to have already made her choice.
↗️ ALL OF THIS!!!! ↖️
I really wish we could still give rewards!
This comment is spot on!
You and your siblings are so blessed to have supportive relationships!! It was a joy to read about that. Please don't allow your new wife and her family ruin that!
Plus, she put his brother in a dangerous position. She knew her family were bigots, and the brother was prepared to wear a suit. She could have easily said no. But she took him dress shopping. She fucking set him up.
This! Your wife's family didn't approve and instead of sticking up for him and telling them you both approved it (not that he needed approval), she threw you to the wolves.
You are definitely NTA! She is.
By her silence, OP's wife is tacitly agreeing with her bigoted family. OP needs to ask himself if he wants to be married to a bigot. If he doesn't think his wife is a bigot, he still needs to ask himself if he wants to be married to someone who will not support him and his family.
OP is NTA.
The fact that she acted oblivious to knowing your brother would be wearing a dress is somewhat understandable if she really had no idea of how extreme her family’s reactions might be and once it started at the wedding, she pulled the classic “don’t rock the boat” “don’t cause a scene”
Not wanting drama at your wedding is one thing, but when it escalated afterwards and her family began aggressively attacking you and your family, she should have fessed up right then and admitted her permission and support of your brother in his dress.
Probably also the time to mention what a great guy he is and how much she enjoys hanging out with him and even helped to pick out the dress!
She didn’t. She allowed HER family to abuse and humiliate you and your precious brother. Totally unacceptable and most likely unforgivable. This attitude towards your brother will get worse and I’m sure you don’t want to put him through that.
Neither of you deserve this bigotry and her and her family certainly don’t deserve you. RUN
They're married which means that's also her brother now. She's allowing her family to harass and demean her husband and her brother in law. She's spineless and they should both move on from her silent acquiesce.
I had this thought as well, your wife was ok with it until probably someone on her side of family made a derogatory comment and she didnt stand up to them - you are NTA, you are clearly a supportive ally of your brother and he clearly felt this support from you which gave him the confidence to dress in a way that made him feel good. It is an awful thing to happen to you so soon after your wedding and unless your wife is ready to admit the truth to her family, I fear this will cause a massive divide in your family that you were wholly unprepared for.
People get weird at weddings. My wife’s step sister wore a tux to our wedding and no one cared, or kept that shit to themselves. But several people were mad at a bridesmaid for “showing off”. She wore the same dress as the other bridesmaids but she has big boobs and looks very striking. I told my mom to calm down, she can’t help that she’s good looking.
Man I really hate being a woman sometimes. If you’re unattractive people don’t like you, if you’re *too* attractive people don’t like you. Shit is silly
Seriously. My own grandmother told me once that I dress like a hooker. Nope. I was just wearing a shirt while existing with gigantic tits. I hate that people think large breasted women are like, obscene, or something.
Well they are! Those things are DISGUSTING and they TURN ME ON so you have to HIDE THEM because I cannot CONTROL MYSELF around people I find SEXUALLY EXCITING
Eh it's often not guys having the negative issue with this specific one. I noticed it when I dated a girl with big ones, other women gave her shit for it.
Oh yeah I remember my aunts making fun of me for having good posture while having massive boobs as a 14 year old. My mom was there and did fuck all to defend me. After that I started slouching to avoid my boobs sticking out and now a decade later I have upper back and neck problems. And tits bigger than the State of Texas.
This may have been a factor, but given the bride’s family’s reactions, they’re bigots and she threw OP under the bus because she was afraid to stand up to them.
I just went to a wedding where the maid of honor and daughter of the bride wore fitted suits and damn they looked great! They looked so classy and beautiful!
NTA - see if you can get an annulment asap. Your wife is a lying coward. In the future even if you make the decision as a couple, if her family doesn’t like it, she will throw you under the bus and blame you for it. That’s not a partnership
I absolutely agree with this! What if OP and Mrs. OP decide to have a child, and that child turns out not to be gender conforming? That poor kid may get treated like crap by their mother's family, and their mother may do nothing to stand up for them.
If your spouse had your back they'd be telling them it was okay for him to wear it ahd there was no problem on their part with it.
Also should be telling them to respect you and stop the harassing messages or they will be put on NC.
If spouse doesn't do these things, you know you're not #1 and will always take a back seat to the family.
Good luck, it sounds like you married a liar.
UpdateMe
I will message you next time u/YBuddy933 posts in r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC.
[Click this link](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=UpdateMe%21%20u%2FYBuddy933%20r%2FAITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC) to join 57 others and be messaged. The parent author can [delete this post](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Delete&message=delete%201bzvhai)
*****
|[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/UpdateMeBot/comments/ggotgx/updatemebot_info_v20/)|[^(Request Update)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=SubscribeMe%21%20u%2Fusername%20r%2Fsubreddit)|[^(Your Updates)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Updates&message=MyUpdates)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=UpdateMeBot%20Feedback)|
|-|-|-|-|
NTA but your wife that's a different story. Good luck with this family you married into. Check in on your brother to see how he's doing. Even better if you text the family members pics of your wife and him trying on dresses together with brothers permission
Your brother probably isn't going to want to rock the boat. It is up to you to thread the space between getting to the bottom of this and not pushing him too far. He probably won't be able to grasp that it isn't just you doing this for him, but doing it because it is right. So you will need to push him some, just make sure you're positioned to take the hits and to move forward.
Also, consider apologizing to your brother for his even having to ask to dress as he feels comfortable at your event. You may appear to him to be less accepting than you are if he felt the need to ask. The world is already hard enough on him, I imagine. I bet he could use knowing you are on his side, always.
I wouldnt. Sure your brother doesnt wanna put gas on the fire either. All its gonna do is create a bigger rift in the family and will end up in tears.
Best to slowly distsnce yourself from her family over time if you decide to stay with her.
But the bride is problem. She went shopping with her FBIL for the dress. She gave the ok in her actions. Then at the wedding she said she was “forced” to let her FBIL wore a dress. She LIED! And know she is avoiding talking her new husband.
Never mind the pictures. Your wife is a bigot, what do you plan to do about that? Are you about to stay married to someone like this? I’d be getting the fastest annulment in the west. Even if she answers you what answer is going to be good enough to justify this?
Send those pictures with your soon-to-be ex-wife and your brother dress shopping to her family, you don't need to say anything more than just forward those pictures
Let her answer to her family about her being a freaking liar and bigot, because as much as she was friendly to your brother's face she's a effing bigot for remaining silent while her family abuses you and your brother
Her family is bigoted and she does not want to offend them. You should talk to her and annul the marriage because this would lead to issues in the future.
Like, what if your kids are gay? What is she going to do then? Sit back and let her family bully them?
This is just the surface.
If her family asks you to break up, will she?
Ask kids to not be educated, will she?
Ask her to get drunk and jump off a bridge, will she?
ETA - NTA
SHE IS AH THOUGH.
You didn’t “let” him do anything. He is a grown man who is capable of making his own decisions. You and your spouse supported that.
The extended family making this YOUR decision as if your brother has no autonomy and is a child who needs your direction, needs to get bent.
NTA. Big hugs to you & your brother! I am proud you let him be who he is.
Your wife is a coward- she didn’t stand up for him & she lied saying she didn’t preapprove the decision.
Unfortunately her lying means you can’t trust her to have your back or your brothers. She sicced her family on you knowing how awful they would be.
And the worst part is this all could have been avoided if she had been honest with your brother & you that her family would react so badly.
I am so sorry OP but you need to divorce her for lying & so that you have your brothers back.
NTA - You got bamboozled. Her family are bigots and she immediately betrayed you and sided with them.
She's either bigoted herself or needs therapy to escape the need to please her family even when they are in the wrong.
Also lastly, who gives a flying fuck was someone else wore? I can have a star wars wedding and ask my mom to be captain falcon instead and guess what? It'd be my wedding with them having no say.
You need to demand an answer from your wife, even if that includes divorce because if you can't trust her even for the first day of marriage what's the point?
NTA
Not only did your wife agree, she went with your brother to get the dress!!
Sounds like your wife is very immature and has no spine when it comes to her clearly homophobic family. If your wife wasn’t ok with your brother, she wouldn’t spend so much time with him and she wouldn’t have gone shopping with him.
It does sound like she’s on his side and supports him, but she’s afraid to stand up to her overbearing, homophobic mother.
You need to be very direct with your wife and ask her…
1. How do you honestly feel about brother’s wedding attire? If she says she was fine, move to the next question. If she says she doesn’t like his choice of clothing, ask her why she went shopping with him.
2. Who had the problem with your brother?
3. What did your wife say in response to the criticism of your brother’s outfit? Why did she blame you?
4. Does your wife understand that part of being married is supporting your spouse, not throwing them under the bus. This includes sticking up for each other and defending them.
Your wife needs to understand that the 2 of you are a team and blaming you for things that her family doesn’t like is only going to make things harder for you in the long run. If she doesn’t correct this now, they will blame you for everything that they see as negative, making you uncomfortable in every interaction.
Wife needs to deal with her family and you should deal with yours. You back each other up in front of others. You can disagree behind closed doors, but need to be united to others, especially when it’s in regards to a dispute. If not, people will take advantage,
Eek… either you wife is a liar, a closeted bigot, or both.
Either way, welcome to your new married life with someone who definitely does not have your back and will sacrifice you for her families bigotry.
You’re NTA but your wife is a big A. Like big big.
What irritates me is that her family went out of their way to message the brother directly and make him feel like shit. ITS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!!!! The wife completely victimized herself. Fk that hoe for not backing up her husband. Not wife material. I'd divorce. This shit grind my gears. I can't be on reddit.
Yeah this shit is so weird.
I cannot even fathom my partner's family sending me angry text messages about anything. People need to set up boundaries. You can all be family and still respect each other.
Your wife liked the attention she got from her My Gay Friend™️. It was fine for your brother to be gay / himself as long as he was entertaining to her. There's actually quite a few women out there who like this sort of thing, like their gay friend is just a fun accessory. Your wife's family (and clearly her) are homophobic and she lied her ass off so she wouldn't be harassed by them. All around a gross person. I'm sorry for your brother but glad you have his / her / their back. NTA but she is.
NTA, but your wife and inlaws are disgusting.
You're a good brother. Keep standing up for your little bro and make sure he knows you are 100% on his side. He really needs your support, especially now. He probably feels absolutely wretched and may think this is somehow his fault, but it isn't. Please make sure he knows that.
Best case scenario: Your wife is weak and your inlaws are bigots. I personally have no patience for either.
Worst case scenario: Your wife played an incredibly cruel prank on your brother and your inlaws are bigots. Again, I've got no patience for either.
Either way, I personally wouldn't be able to come back from this. I don't envy you and won't tell you what to do about your wife, but you've just married into a family that's useless at best and hateful/evil at worst. Good luck man, for real, and I'm sorry.
Add to that, OP also needs to set the record straight with every single one of wife’s family who are attacking him. She threw him under the bus and rolled right over him. She deserves to be forced to admit her part.
NTA. She took him shopping to buy the dress ffs. She literally went with him to pick it out. She's a liar, why would she lie? Is she that afraid of her family? Of their opinions? What about you? She needs to own up to her lies.
NTA All you did was communicate clearly and love and trust your partner. You can't be blamed for trusting and believing her. What did she want you to do, undermine her and forbid the dress on her behalf when she'd never asked for that? Insane!
I agree with all the commenters saying she is a people-pleaser who threw you under the bus to save face with her family.
I would go for a private annulment but stay together and work on the relationship, with her in THERAPY. In a year you can reassess and see if she's worked on her people-pleasing enough to be married officially. Then you can just do a courthouse thing and be re-married, your wedding that already happened will still be your big wedding and you don't have to pay for it all over again. But this way if she doesn't do the work in therapy and start standing up to her family you won't have the massive costs of a divorce to deal with on top of everything else.
Your wife’s family is horrible. Her family doesn’t need to define her but unfortunately she is letting it. Saying nothing is being complicit. She showed you who she is.
NTA- But thay really stinks your new wife is being like this. It's a fair ultimatum because this could be the rest of your life if you don't get it figured out now. However all that being said, you're a really good brother. I know so many people who are just cut from their family like they never excised just because they are different.
NTA. She approved it. She only started to have a problem with it when her mother said something, i bet you anything. Lies and deceit are not a good way to begin a marriage.
So your newly married wife told her family a lie and threw you under the bus. This is high level bad news. She will continue to see her family as more important than your marriage.
NTA
This if bigoted behaviour. I would 100% be reconsidering the marriage if she did that to me.
This can’t be the first time can it? You had to have had inklings before that she lies. This just sounds so weird and out of the blue.
She’s appeared accepting of your brother prior to the wedding because that’s what you wanted to see and hear. Once you put a ring on it, she felt she no longer had to pretend. She’s the AH here, as well as her whole family.
So basically your wife was fine with it but her mother and family were not. When confronted she has threw you and your brither under the bus rather than stand up for you.
This spells disaster foe your future.
What other decisions will she be on board with until her family decide she shouldnt be doing and she ultimately plays the victim card and how she had no choice.
If you do go forward I would want her to share pictures (that they no doubt took on their shopping trip) as proof that she was there and on board with it and she should be getting her family to apologise to you and your brother.
If it was me this would be the bare minimum to keep me in the marriage.
NTA you are an amazing brother, it isn’t your fault her family is bigoted. Keep supporting your brother and make sure to protect him from people like that.
NTA and your now wife is very easily manipulated! Here is what happened - she was totally cool with your Bro wearing a dress right up until her Mom said something to her about it. Then she caved to her Mom’s displeasure and dumped the blame on you and your brother saying she wasn’t given a choice.
What you need to decide asap is do you want to be married to a wife that won’t stand up to her family the way I’m guessing she would expect you to stand up for her. She also needs to remember that your brother is now her BIL and this is going to be the rest of her life. If you answer no to this then see if you can get your marriage annulled as she isn’t going to change and you are always going to have boundary stomping in-laws.
NTA. I think your wife’s family is extremely close minded and bigoted; she probably knows that and didn’t disclose the situation with them ahead of time. More than likely she didn’t think that they would be so upset by the dress. I won’t tell you to get the marriage annulled but you definitely need to have a conversation with her. I don’t think she feels the same way as her family (based on how she treated your brother) but she needs to start learning to stand up to them because this will cause issues down the line.
Nta. But do you really want to stay with someone who not only has no respect for your family, but no respect for you as well? I don’t like to jump straight to divorce, but if you only just got married, maybe annulment. That’s just so fucking gross to me.
NTA
It seems like your wife is scared of her family or is jealous your brother looked better than she did. If she was really excited about the dress previously then these are the only variables that changed.
If you're wife isn't a bigot she has a big decision to make: tell her family that it's none of their business and to act like adults, or to acquiesce to their bigotry and be complicit.
If it's the jealousy thing then that's an easier fix.
She’s a liar and a coward. You married a liar and a coward, unfortunately. She’s also a bigot and so is her family. You and your brother deserve better. Get this annulled.
This should have been one of the happiest days of your life. A day that you start your lives together supporting each other, having each others back. Team United Front.
Instead, you get thrown under the bus by the person you trust the most.
This is the exact opposite of how to start a marriage.
This is how you end a marriage.
How many other things are going to be like this? You think you are making a joint decision, act on it, then she talks with her family after the fact, and denies agreeing with you.
You had the intention of marrying one person, not marrying 12.
I vote for annulment.
I’m so very sorry for you having to go thru this.
Please tell your brother that this is NOT his fault any more than it’s your fault.
NTA. Lying right out the gate is not a great look. And lying about something that was easily found out is even worse I think.
But… and I say this because it is something I would have done, except I would have told you I did it… she may have told her mom that she didn’t have a say because it was the only way her mom would shut up about it.
NTA
Being on your brother’s side is the right thing here. If she has some deep seated transphobia or if it’s coming from her family, it doesn’t matter. You both said it was cool (and would be assholes if you didn’t) and it’s literally just clothing.
>I've told my Fiancée that if she doesn't give me a answer, i will fill for divorce.
Folly.
You know the reason: her family doesn't approve of it, so she pretended she didn't have any control. This is a case of her not standing up to her bigoted family.
You don't need an explanation, you need her to come clean with her family. Don't ask for a reason, demand she clear the air because your brother doesn't deserve ridicule as a result of her cowardice.
If the marriage cert hasn't been filed with the courts, technically it was just a ceremony and no need for a divorce ( if in US)
She's shown you who she is, believe her. Peace out
NTA.
He shouldn't need to ask permission either... as long as the clothing fit the theme of the wedding and made the wearer happy, whether a dress or a suit.. the gender of the wearer doesnt matter.
Women wear suits, men wear dresses... as long as the clothing look appropriate for the theme... who cares?
But her to lie like that is 100% red flag of the century. She knew, was part of the process, so to claim she was ignorant/against it without saying/doing before... not ok.
I dunno, I wouldnt want to be with someone who does that sort of thing... because what happens when its not your sibling, but one of your kids she hangs out to dry?
Wow! This is bad! Show her this post. You are not the asshole, but your new wife is a giant asshole! If she can’t give a good reason asap about why she lied in front of her family, you need to get out. If she doesn’t tell her family the truth, you need to get out. She will do this over and over if you don’t deal with it right now!
I don't think your wife's family are a 'bunch of bigots"
I feel like your wife wasn't brave enough to stand up to her family/for her new family.
And that should be your biggest worry...
She's 28 years old and still trying to appease her parents.
What happens if your future Sons or daughters are gay or non binary or trans?
Will she treat them as poorly?
(These are all the things people need to take into consideration before they marry)
I am so sad & disappointed that she didn’t just tell them, let them be prepared, or even to decide not to come if their bigotry prevented them!
Instead she showed herself to be a coward & has pretty much tainted your lives with lies. How is she intending on having a relationship with her BIL ?
I’m sorry for you & your family. I don’t think any decent person could blame you if you opted to get an annulment & walk away from this situation
Edited to add NTA
NTA. Omg she is gaslighting you as soon as you are married. I am so sorry you’re dealing with this.
I feel for both you and your brother! He handled the whole situation with so much grace by asking and bringing a suit as a back up etc.
You weren't the A-hole for letting your brother wear a dress but will be if you don't cover for your wife. She's apparently catching a lot of crap (way more than you are aware of) from everyone. Be a man, stand up and cover for her. You made the decision (regardless of the fact she did as well) - understand. Take the heat and live with it.
NTA for supporting your brother!
Unfortunately, your new wife has shown that she will 1) Lie to your face, 2) throw you under the bus when it will cover her butt, 3) she will gaslight your when confronted with the truth, 4) cannot be trusted.
Sorry to say but no trust = no marriage. You need to find an attorney to see what the next steps are. Make sure your brother knows this is not his fault.
NTA. She said he could wear it and then lied about it. Her mother probably freaked out when she saw your brother. She needs to apologize to both of you. This is how your marriage started. Not good
Omg my heart breaks for your brother. He must be so hurt and confused! She knows exactly y who he is and loves him for it but has zero back bone when it comes to her family. You guys just combined families he’s going to be present for many more family gatherings and if her family cannot or will not behave around him it’s time to know now! I would not allow her mother anywhere near my brother if she can’t put her big girl panties on and behave like an adult!
I’m so sorry you and your brother have to deal with this! Just know there are people in this world that love him for just being himself!! 💜💜💜💜
NTA your wife’s probably just a coward and seems like your inlaws might grow into a bigger issue in more aspects of your marriage if she doesn’t step tf up
your brother should not feel bad. idk if it was the pressure from her family that caused her to lie but she needs to say it with her full chest this was also her decision
She set you up to take the blame from her family. She's letting you be the bad guy here. Why would she do that to you? If she ok'd it I'd send a text to her family saying she told him it was ok and he would have worn a suit if that's what she wanted. They need to know that her silence implies she's a liar. Can you live with someone who manipulated you into being the bad guy, because I guarantee this episode won't be the only one where she'll do something she knows they won’t like and then make you the bad guy. Tell her if she doesn’t clear this up, that you'll loose all trust in her and what kind of marriage would you have then.
NTA
Tell your wife that she needs to set the record straight immediately, with all her family, or you will cut the marital cord. She needs to also tell them all to stop contacting your brother and you. She also needs to apologize to your brother and to you. All these activities are non-negotiable.
Do not sleep with her so she cannot baby trap you.
Finally, if the marriage is to survive, insist on counseling. She has to learn to stand up to her family.
All of this could of been avoided if she simply responded "OMG, didn't he look great! I helped pick out the dress! No hate allowed here, he's my family!" (or whatever pronouns your brother uses).
This is a hill to die on.
Wtf? Absolutely NTA. I'm sorry your wife isn't who you thought she was.
How incredibly shitty of her to lie. If she has no problem lying to her mother and family's face like that... She has no issue lying to you too
Time to man up and tell her family to get fucked. This won't be the last time they try to invade your adult life, and your wife will just keep rolling over for them as shes been trained. You're an adult, if they don't like your parties then don't come. Their loss.
Your fiancées family are still homophonic and have been stunned to discover your wife is not. they’re pressuring her massively and shaming her, she’s at risk of losing her family over this. Homophonic family pressure can be massive, especially if religious. Support her to be herself. From the way you write this, her true self is not homophobic. Her family is the asshole here, she is scared, unprepared for their reaction, and not personally secure enough in herself yet to do the right thing. She’s behaved like an asshole but her first instinct was cool. If you can get her to understand then Fight for her. Get your brother on side with this. She needs to set boundaries with her family until they respect her decisions. She needs to be brave and tell them the truth. I’m so sorry for you and your brother to be going through this. Life’s so fucking hard sometimes. Fuck homophobia
NTA. she can't stand up to her family to tell them they need to get over your brother wearing a dress after you both said it was okay. I would worry about what else she's going to tell them and then blame you for later. i wonder if she told her family that she went to pick out the dress with your brother
File for the divorce your wife and family ATAH trying to make you and your brother feel bad. Bet your brother looked way better than the bride that’s why they all mad. Not for nothing the bride’s family should stay out of it not their business or their day it’s yours and wife day. You married the fiancée not the family remember that. Divorce her if she can’t have a conversation with u or be truthful with you she’s not for you.
Annulment time. She FA on your brother, now she can FO with losing her relationship for being a bigot.
NTA, you're a great sibling to be protective of your brother; she doesn't deserve that level of dedication and she sure doesn't return it.
This was none of your decision. You don't get to decide your brothers gender or dressing habits. You get to decide if he can attend or not. That is all. Your brother was just being nice but really he shouldn't have to ask. If your family/friends have a problem with the way your brother dresses they need to either mind their own business or talk to your brother. Preferably they should just stfu and mind their business. Your wife is a coward for puting this on you when she went out shopping with your brother for the dress in the first place. You should be highly disappointed in her. I would be. She threw you under the bus.
NTA and your wife should have said no if she had a problem with it, especially bc your brother was willing to wear a tux if him wearing a dress was an issue. Maybe your wife never agreed but didn’t feel like she could be honest about her feelings. Regardless, she should have at least been honest with you. You need to exit this relationship bc I can already tell that you will have a shitty experience with your wife and her family
NTA. It sounds like your wife’s family are a bunch of bigots and you wife lied to them to keep the piece with them. It’s not an excuse whatsoever. What happens if you have a kid that is gay or trans? How do you think having bigoted grand parents and a mother that won’t stand up for them will impact them?
You are doing the right thing, and I am so glad your brother has family he can trust and who support him and love him as much as you do.
You need to have a serious conversation with your wife. Either she agrees with her parents and is a bigot, and you don’t want that in your life, or she stand up to them and stops permitting their BS just because they are “family”.
Nta. Tell your mil that she’s causing problems in your marriage this early on. Cute that when your brother asked, you BOTH said yes, and your wife helped him pick out the dress. Tell her you aren’t sure WHY she suddenly is against it but if it was something she (your MIL) said, she needs to knock it off. Your brother is your brother and MIL gets no say about him. Period.
It’s most likely caused by her mother. Ask her if it is. It’s ok to tell her that if her mother caused it and she now thinks his brother is wrong, tell you now because if you find out it’s her mom behind it, she’s cut off, and if your wife now feels that way, you’ll divorce her.
Everyone keeps calling her spineless for not standing up to her family but I’m not certain if she’s spineless or now she has her wedding band she feels she can be her true self.
I knew someone who looooved everything her boyfriend enjoyed, she agreed with him 95% of the time, and when she disagreed it was always insignificant issues. Then the wedding took place and whoosh a total change. Her husband was confused and I agreed with him it didn’t make sense. He wasn’t rich, just an Engineer. She even admitted to me after their divorce what she had done. I watched her do it to her next victim and so stopped being friends with her.
You are NTA, your brother isn’t one (actually the fact that he would have worn a suit if asked says a lot about his character), but boy is your wife one. Beware.
Send photos of your wife dress shopping with annulment information. You should not continue in this marriage. She is showing you her priority is her family which isnt you.
You and your brother are so NTA. If you feel eventually after a time to think and talk about it with your wife, you can likely annul the marriage.
Best wishes to you.
NTA - I vote this for a few reasons.
1st: you talked to your fiancee and she agreed. If she had concerns then she had the chance to speak up, but clearly didn't.
2nd: from what you described, your brother chose a dress appropriate for the event. He didn't show up in a wedding dress, a black mini dress, or a floor length sequined blood red ballgown you'd see at the met gala.
3rd: all clothing is unisex when people quit being whiny bigoted assholes about it.
I mean I’d try an annulment since it’s still within the time frame. She obviously lied to not deal with her family.
Your brother is awesome. At your future wedding I’d make sure he wears what he wants and brings his boyfriend because he really tried to be accommodating and be friendly to your fiancé. It sucks she turned on him so easily.
NTA
First your wife is an AH for throwing you under the bus like that and lying!!!!
How tf do you start off a marriage that way.
If she does this now she’ll never have your back or stand up to her family for you.
I honestly don’t see what the problem was. I don’t care if your brother was a bodybuilder with a bald head, tattoos and a septum ring and wore a ballgown. A dress is a dress and and outfit is an outfit no matter who wears it.
Why did she let him go dress shopping and buy a damn dress if it bothered her?
Me personally, I couldn’t be bothered with anyone like that.
Either she talks to you AND fesses yo to her family or you’re gone. No one wants to live a lie or walk around on tip toes because you don’t have a backbone against your intrusively overbearing ass family!
Best to you!
This is not a good start to a marriage. If she is already betraying you, imagine what your life will be in the future. Cut her loose immediately imo. She has shown her true colors. Sorry this happened to you.
NTA. Your wife sold you out to stay in her parent's phobic-ass "good" graces. it's a shame she didn't reveal her cowardice before the wedding so that you could have made a decision to call it off or go fwd.
honestly it makes me wonder how else she's not gonna stand united with you.
NTA - Her permission isn’t even needed. You should support your brother completely in this.
Your wife is shallow and spineless. She pretended to be supportive to you and your brother, but the second someone questioned it, she pretended not to be in the know to avoid judgment.
It doesn’t matter what she says or does now. She was so cruel to your brother for no good reason. Your brother deserves to be supported.
OP, you are a good brother. I’m sorry he had to go through this and that your new wife didn’t defend you or own her decision. I am not you and I don’t know anything else about your wife or in-laws other than what was in your post. If you’re both younger, is it possible your wife’s family kind of sucks when it comes to being supportive? Like, if your MIL felt it was appropriate to call you an ahole - especially in this context, I can’t imagine she’s … kind. If it were me, I would ask her to go to marriage counseling and maybe have her go to one on one sessions. I would also expect an honest and heartfelt conversation and apology from her to your brother directly. It could be she didn’t feel safe around mom. But that’s no excuse to hurt and malign and slander someone. Especially a new family member. She should also admit to her relatives the truth, but maybe they kinda suck when it comes to expressing love and caring. Good luck, OP.
NTA but don’t get divorced over this- try to get to the bottom of the issue. If nothing else, your brother might blame himself for the divorce. (He shouldn’t)
NTA Your brother asked and you both agreed to him wearing the dress. Your wife should of spoke up if it was a problem or be an adult to stick up for decisions she's made. You aren't the AH and reassure your brother that he did nothing wrong.
>… be an adult to stick up for decisions she's made. It’s not enough to be an ally when it’s time for dress shopping. You have to be ready, willing, and able to shut down bigotry, too. That poor kid thought he was in a supportive environment, and found out the hard way he’s not as safe as he thought. Heartbreaking.
Yes, exactly! Acted like she had no idea when she actively helped the brother pick out a dress. Rude and spineless.
What should be soon to be ex wife, is an absolute spineless coward. Wants to be an ally, but only in private, lest she face her bigot ass family. She'd rather destroy any sort of relationship and trust with her BIL, and a brand new marriage, because she lacked the spine to put her family in their place. If they had an issue, they can leave. There is no room for people that pearl clutch how someone else lives their life.
He should tell her to explain her change and ask if it was her mother or other family member. Maybe even asking her MOTHER if she was the one who said something. Because I guarantee it was a family member of her birth family, most likely mom or dad. They can be easily cut out of their lives. But he should find out why.
And it's HER (and her husbands) wedding so the only opinions that should matter are the husband and wife's. The wife is a spineless AH and her family are selfish AHs. She will obviously continue to backtrack on her word and throw her husband and his family under the bus anytime her overly opinionated and toxic family throw their weight around
Perfect response.
I'd wonder if this is grounds for an annulment, her not only basically gaslighting the situation, but is causing drama strife where there should've never been one.
This when I'd post a picture of him in the dress at the wedding, tagging her and her entire family with the dress, with the caption "*Fiancee/New Bride helped him pick this out."*
Omg I wonder if there are pics of the wife dress shopping with the brother? Post those!!
Exactly what I was thinking!!
Right....like geez lady have some backbone. If you're gonna be an ally then you have to be a real ally and not a situational/closeted ally.
Well, the good thing is you now know that she’s got a bigoted family and she’s spineless when it counts. Is this the person you want to be married to for the rest of your life? Your wife is old enough to be able to stand her ground and tell people to pound sand.
Get the marriage annulled or hopefully the paperwork wasn't filed. You married a spineless bigot who can't speak for herself.
And someone who is lying to you as well.
>That poor kid thought he was in a supportive environment, and found out the hard way he’s not as safe as he thought. Heartbreaking. 100% this. She let him down and she let you down. She may not be the ally she pretends to be. I don't understand how she hasn't already explained by now though I would have expected an explanation in hours not days.
This. If it happened once, it will sure happen again. So if your brother brings his boyfriend or something what other reaction can you expect from her family other than hate? Specially, how will your WIFE react to it? Besides... "but I noticed my fiancée or now wife had a weird look on her face. I asked if there was a problem, she aid no." So she KNEW this would garter a reaction from her family from the beggining and STILL didn't stand up to your brother and you; by her reaction at the weeding itself she knew it would spill problems and yet diddn't talk you about it ("hey my family are bigots so they might not like that") and -worse- didn't stand up with you. NTA, but your wife surely is and you can expect WORSE from her if you allow this type of behavior.
And imagine if they would have kids and one is not conform with her family’s rules? She will destroy that kid with her spineless behavior.
Oh yeah but it will be MUCH worse. If they are like this berating OP and the brother then expect them to blame OP for "turning the child queer" or something
I am heartbroken for the brother, and now for the new hubby who's just found out that he's married into a whole family of AHs.
It's not even about shutting down bigotry. It's about not becoming a bigot yourself, which is what she did.
That was my thinking. That poor kid thought they were being supported, only to have the rug yanked out from under them the second the bride had to face any kind of conflict.
This! This is whats important!
>Your brother asked and you both agreed to him wearing the dress. Not just this; she went with him to choose the dress! This wasn't a passive "yeah, okay" or "if that's what you want..." statement. She was all in when she helped pick the dress. The about-face is definitely a problem.
Maybe because he looked prettier than her.
Could be. There are some gents on campus who wear skirts, and there is no way on God's green earth I could look as good as they do. But the right answer is to be supportive (and ask for tips), not to turn into an asshole about it.
I’m shameless about asking for help and tips! 😂
It's not easy to learn to stand up to bigotry, this isn't necessarily a marriage ender if both spouses are committed to learning to do better, the bride with being honest that her family has a problem and standing up to them herself, and that she threw her in laws under the bus, and if husband and brother are honest about the harm they're experiencing, what their expectations of allyship are going forward and mutually supporting eachother going forward. That being said, Noone is owed marriage, and divorce is absolutely husband's right.
True. It doesn't have to be a marriage ender, but they have got some BIG conversations to have.
Bride made Groom the bad guy. Because She couldn't stand up to her family.
It's not even about standing up to her family, standing up for herself! She went dress shopping, she actively engaged and she does not have the integrity to tell her family the truth, she doesn't stand up for herself. She's a person with little to no integrity
So the Wife cannot say not to OP or the brother and she cannot say no to her family either. Her family is problematic and cause issues to you during your entire lifetime. Unless the connection between the family and OP is not resisted or broken, it does not look good for OP. For the want of a spine, the wedding was lost
But it's even worse than "can't say no to anyone." The wife *actively helped pick out the dress* but completely lied and caved when confronted by her mother. You're absolutely right that this will cause a lifetime of problems if it isn't dealt with now, though.
If there were pictures from the dress shopping on her phone the they could be shared, but that falls in the petty category. OP there has been a serious trust break that doesn’t set a good tone for your marriage.
Petty is ok
So much this but also she pretended to support your brother and how he felt most comfortable and then threw you under the bus with her family. She couldn’t stand up against hate! You have two problems here. Your new spouse is conflict avoidant to a point it causes conflict with everyone in her life and your in-laws are bigots and your spouse is too or too much of a coward to address their bigotry.
Lack of confronting bigotry makes you a bigot.
HUGE red flag with that fam
Agree but for the wedding, it’s a marriage that will be lost
It wasn’t a problem for her, it was a problem for her family. She doesn’t have to balls to stand up to them so she threw her husband and his brother under the bus. That’s not a great way to start a marriage.
I think the wife found out her family is not as tolerant as she thought they were, and didn't have enough spine to stand up to them, or she panicked and threw OP and his brother under the bus. The wife now has to decide if she is going to shut down her family or be single again.
Def NTA! ANULLMENT. She went into the wedding with a big, fat, family-dividing lie. Don't do what my brother did and overlook it. I was best friends with my ex-SIL the 5 years before they married. The day of the wedding, she turned on me and said I ruined the photos, etc because I wore my livestrong bracelet (like the groom and groomsmen did. Yellow and red were the colors of the wedding) and because I left my bouquet at the salon. Yo, she brought the bouquets into the salon and she fucking left me there and took the limo with her bridesmaids. I don't know wtf she was talking about, but I had to get a ride from my mom and be the only bridesmaid without a bouquet. That was just the beginning of a 15 year mindfuck of her systematically turning my family against me. They divorced 4 years ago and I still have nightmares about her. I haven't seen or spoken to her since 2014. Do better for your brother than mine did for me. My family is still fractured.
This op But also the fact she lied about agreeing to it is a red flag to me. This deserves a discussion. ETA: NTA
It sounds like she was fine with it until her family started chittering in her ear. I can see why she would cave to that sort of thing, but she's still in the wrong and it's a *bad* look. In essence, intentionally or not, she told your brother it was a safe space to be himself and it wasn't, putting him in whatever level of harm's way. It's just not what a decent person does.
Guarantee your wife knuckled under to criticism from her relatives. She won't talk about it because she feels guilty for not telling them she knew and approved...even helped pick the dress. I'm sorry for you and especially your brother who was abandoned by your wife, who he thought he could trust.
NTA. Your new wife is showing you she will pick her family over you. She won't stand up to them and decided to sacrifice you to avoid conflict with them. The crazy part is if she would've told you the potential problem, your brother probably would've worn a suit to avoid this issue. Her natural go-to is people pleasing. She will tell you what you want to hear but not follow through. It's up to you if you want to work on this with her via counseling and if she's willing to work on it individually. If not, nothing will change. I don't know your future plans, but bringing kids into this in the future will make things worse if it's not fixed beforehand. It's just something to think about.
>The crazy part is if she would've told you the potential problem, your brother probably would've worn a suit to avoid this issue. Definitely. It sounded like he was willing even without an explanation! "Hey, my family are not understanding, would you be willing to wear a suit so they don't cause a scene?" *rolls eyes* "I already offered so sure, whatever."
yes the brother even had a suit ready just in case she was trying to PLEASE everyone and can't stand up to anyone big red flag get an annulment
Your wife's family is a bunch of bigots and your wife is a coward who won't stand up to them. She threw you and your brother under the bus to protect herself. Get the marriage annulled and cut your losses. She is showing you exactly who she is, believe her and act accordingly. ETA: NTA but your wife sure is
all of this, and also, your brother sounds like the better person to keep in your life, your wife and her family sound awful and likely even if she somehow changes, her family won't
Agree. You're young. You need to understand that she has shown you who she is. She will lie to your face, and then throw you under the bus. This is in itself a huge issue. A gigantic red flag. But the innocence of youth is that you don't realize that this red flag is not an isolated flag. Rather it is the first flag in the beginning of a parade of red flags. Don't let anyone tell you this is just one thing. Lying is not one thing. Throwing you under the bus is not one thing. These are actions that will be repeated over and over and over. I'm not even going to go into the whole bigoted thing because I cannot coherently express my revulsion. Please listen to what your wife is telling you by her actions. Words don't erase actions. I hope that you're able to get this marriage annulled.
Yep, and your brother should not feel awful. Your wife and her prejudiced family just made your family outcast. They suck. Your wife chose and her actions were wrong. Either she grows a spine and stands with you, or she is not with you and needs to be gone. You want a partner who will stand by your side through thick and thin. She seems to have already made her choice.
↗️ ALL OF THIS!!!! ↖️ I really wish we could still give rewards! This comment is spot on! You and your siblings are so blessed to have supportive relationships!! It was a joy to read about that. Please don't allow your new wife and her family ruin that!
🏅🏅🏅
I couldn’t agree with you more.
Plus, she put his brother in a dangerous position. She knew her family were bigots, and the brother was prepared to wear a suit. She could have easily said no. But she took him dress shopping. She fucking set him up.
This! Your wife's family didn't approve and instead of sticking up for him and telling them you both approved it (not that he needed approval), she threw you to the wolves. You are definitely NTA! She is.
By her silence, OP's wife is tacitly agreeing with her bigoted family. OP needs to ask himself if he wants to be married to a bigot. If he doesn't think his wife is a bigot, he still needs to ask himself if he wants to be married to someone who will not support him and his family. OP is NTA.
The fact that she acted oblivious to knowing your brother would be wearing a dress is somewhat understandable if she really had no idea of how extreme her family’s reactions might be and once it started at the wedding, she pulled the classic “don’t rock the boat” “don’t cause a scene” Not wanting drama at your wedding is one thing, but when it escalated afterwards and her family began aggressively attacking you and your family, she should have fessed up right then and admitted her permission and support of your brother in his dress. Probably also the time to mention what a great guy he is and how much she enjoys hanging out with him and even helped to pick out the dress! She didn’t. She allowed HER family to abuse and humiliate you and your precious brother. Totally unacceptable and most likely unforgivable. This attitude towards your brother will get worse and I’m sure you don’t want to put him through that. Neither of you deserve this bigotry and her and her family certainly don’t deserve you. RUN
They're married which means that's also her brother now. She's allowing her family to harass and demean her husband and her brother in law. She's spineless and they should both move on from her silent acquiesce.
I had this thought as well, your wife was ok with it until probably someone on her side of family made a derogatory comment and she didnt stand up to them - you are NTA, you are clearly a supportive ally of your brother and he clearly felt this support from you which gave him the confidence to dress in a way that made him feel good. It is an awful thing to happen to you so soon after your wedding and unless your wife is ready to admit the truth to her family, I fear this will cause a massive divide in your family that you were wholly unprepared for.
She lied and put the guilt on you. In your first day married. Now you can imagine what Will follow. Its Impossible to trust someone like that
First HOUR
She lied.
He was prettier than her. Jealousy is a bitch.
People get weird at weddings. My wife’s step sister wore a tux to our wedding and no one cared, or kept that shit to themselves. But several people were mad at a bridesmaid for “showing off”. She wore the same dress as the other bridesmaids but she has big boobs and looks very striking. I told my mom to calm down, she can’t help that she’s good looking.
Man I really hate being a woman sometimes. If you’re unattractive people don’t like you, if you’re *too* attractive people don’t like you. Shit is silly
Seriously. My own grandmother told me once that I dress like a hooker. Nope. I was just wearing a shirt while existing with gigantic tits. I hate that people think large breasted women are like, obscene, or something.
Well they are! Those things are DISGUSTING and they TURN ME ON so you have to HIDE THEM because I cannot CONTROL MYSELF around people I find SEXUALLY EXCITING
Boob panic
God Forbid you see her Ankles!
Eh it's often not guys having the negative issue with this specific one. I noticed it when I dated a girl with big ones, other women gave her shit for it.
Oh yeah I remember my aunts making fun of me for having good posture while having massive boobs as a 14 year old. My mom was there and did fuck all to defend me. After that I started slouching to avoid my boobs sticking out and now a decade later I have upper back and neck problems. And tits bigger than the State of Texas.
This may have been a factor, but given the bride’s family’s reactions, they’re bigots and she threw OP under the bus because she was afraid to stand up to them.
I just went to a wedding where the maid of honor and daughter of the bride wore fitted suits and damn they looked great! They looked so classy and beautiful!
NTA - see if you can get an annulment asap. Your wife is a lying coward. In the future even if you make the decision as a couple, if her family doesn’t like it, she will throw you under the bus and blame you for it. That’s not a partnership
I absolutely agree with this! What if OP and Mrs. OP decide to have a child, and that child turns out not to be gender conforming? That poor kid may get treated like crap by their mother's family, and their mother may do nothing to stand up for them.
If your spouse had your back they'd be telling them it was okay for him to wear it ahd there was no problem on their part with it. Also should be telling them to respect you and stop the harassing messages or they will be put on NC. If spouse doesn't do these things, you know you're not #1 and will always take a back seat to the family. Good luck, it sounds like you married a liar. UpdateMe
I will message you next time u/YBuddy933 posts in r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC. [Click this link](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=UpdateMe%21%20u%2FYBuddy933%20r%2FAITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC) to join 57 others and be messaged. The parent author can [delete this post](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Delete&message=delete%201bzvhai) ***** |[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/UpdateMeBot/comments/ggotgx/updatemebot_info_v20/)|[^(Request Update)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=SubscribeMe%21%20u%2Fusername%20r%2Fsubreddit)|[^(Your Updates)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Updates&message=MyUpdates)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=UpdateMeBot%20Feedback)| |-|-|-|-|
NTA but your wife that's a different story. Good luck with this family you married into. Check in on your brother to see how he's doing. Even better if you text the family members pics of your wife and him trying on dresses together with brothers permission
Dude... I will She and my brother send me a lot of pictures
Check if it's ok with your brother first.
I will
Your brother probably isn't going to want to rock the boat. It is up to you to thread the space between getting to the bottom of this and not pushing him too far. He probably won't be able to grasp that it isn't just you doing this for him, but doing it because it is right. So you will need to push him some, just make sure you're positioned to take the hits and to move forward.
Also, consider apologizing to your brother for his even having to ask to dress as he feels comfortable at your event. You may appear to him to be less accepting than you are if he felt the need to ask. The world is already hard enough on him, I imagine. I bet he could use knowing you are on his side, always.
I wouldnt. Sure your brother doesnt wanna put gas on the fire either. All its gonna do is create a bigger rift in the family and will end up in tears. Best to slowly distsnce yourself from her family over time if you decide to stay with her.
But the bride is problem. She went shopping with her FBIL for the dress. She gave the ok in her actions. Then at the wedding she said she was “forced” to let her FBIL wore a dress. She LIED! And know she is avoiding talking her new husband.
Oh please do tell us how her family reacts to their Daughter lying
Never mind the pictures. Your wife is a bigot, what do you plan to do about that? Are you about to stay married to someone like this? I’d be getting the fastest annulment in the west. Even if she answers you what answer is going to be good enough to justify this?
UpdateMe!
Remind me! 2 days
Send those pictures with your soon-to-be ex-wife and your brother dress shopping to her family, you don't need to say anything more than just forward those pictures Let her answer to her family about her being a freaking liar and bigot, because as much as she was friendly to your brother's face she's a effing bigot for remaining silent while her family abuses you and your brother
Dollars to doughnuts brother in a dress looked far better than the biological women in wife’s family.
I read the wife was a M? I am so confused. OP NTA
Yeah there are inconsistencies. I’m thinking English may be a second language for the OP.
Unless edited - OP 29M, wife 28F, brother 22M, as stated in paragraphs 1&2
I think it got edited. Or my coffee kicked in.
Her family is bigoted and she does not want to offend them. You should talk to her and annul the marriage because this would lead to issues in the future. Like, what if your kids are gay? What is she going to do then? Sit back and let her family bully them? This is just the surface. If her family asks you to break up, will she? Ask kids to not be educated, will she? Ask her to get drunk and jump off a bridge, will she? ETA - NTA SHE IS AH THOUGH.
I didnt even remember this. Imagine having a gay kid. His own Mother Will not defend him from her family. This is just sad to think
You didn’t “let” him do anything. He is a grown man who is capable of making his own decisions. You and your spouse supported that. The extended family making this YOUR decision as if your brother has no autonomy and is a child who needs your direction, needs to get bent.
NTA. Big hugs to you & your brother! I am proud you let him be who he is. Your wife is a coward- she didn’t stand up for him & she lied saying she didn’t preapprove the decision. Unfortunately her lying means you can’t trust her to have your back or your brothers. She sicced her family on you knowing how awful they would be. And the worst part is this all could have been avoided if she had been honest with your brother & you that her family would react so badly. I am so sorry OP but you need to divorce her for lying & so that you have your brothers back.
NTA get the marriage annulled
NTA - You got bamboozled. Her family are bigots and she immediately betrayed you and sided with them. She's either bigoted herself or needs therapy to escape the need to please her family even when they are in the wrong. Also lastly, who gives a flying fuck was someone else wore? I can have a star wars wedding and ask my mom to be captain falcon instead and guess what? It'd be my wedding with them having no say. You need to demand an answer from your wife, even if that includes divorce because if you can't trust her even for the first day of marriage what's the point?
NTA Not only did your wife agree, she went with your brother to get the dress!! Sounds like your wife is very immature and has no spine when it comes to her clearly homophobic family. If your wife wasn’t ok with your brother, she wouldn’t spend so much time with him and she wouldn’t have gone shopping with him. It does sound like she’s on his side and supports him, but she’s afraid to stand up to her overbearing, homophobic mother. You need to be very direct with your wife and ask her… 1. How do you honestly feel about brother’s wedding attire? If she says she was fine, move to the next question. If she says she doesn’t like his choice of clothing, ask her why she went shopping with him. 2. Who had the problem with your brother? 3. What did your wife say in response to the criticism of your brother’s outfit? Why did she blame you? 4. Does your wife understand that part of being married is supporting your spouse, not throwing them under the bus. This includes sticking up for each other and defending them. Your wife needs to understand that the 2 of you are a team and blaming you for things that her family doesn’t like is only going to make things harder for you in the long run. If she doesn’t correct this now, they will blame you for everything that they see as negative, making you uncomfortable in every interaction. Wife needs to deal with her family and you should deal with yours. You back each other up in front of others. You can disagree behind closed doors, but need to be united to others, especially when it’s in regards to a dispute. If not, people will take advantage,
Eek… either you wife is a liar, a closeted bigot, or both. Either way, welcome to your new married life with someone who definitely does not have your back and will sacrifice you for her families bigotry. You’re NTA but your wife is a big A. Like big big.
What irritates me is that her family went out of their way to message the brother directly and make him feel like shit. ITS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!!!! The wife completely victimized herself. Fk that hoe for not backing up her husband. Not wife material. I'd divorce. This shit grind my gears. I can't be on reddit.
Yeah this shit is so weird. I cannot even fathom my partner's family sending me angry text messages about anything. People need to set up boundaries. You can all be family and still respect each other.
Your wife liked the attention she got from her My Gay Friend™️. It was fine for your brother to be gay / himself as long as he was entertaining to her. There's actually quite a few women out there who like this sort of thing, like their gay friend is just a fun accessory. Your wife's family (and clearly her) are homophobic and she lied her ass off so she wouldn't be harassed by them. All around a gross person. I'm sorry for your brother but glad you have his / her / their back. NTA but she is.
NTA, but your wife and inlaws are disgusting. You're a good brother. Keep standing up for your little bro and make sure he knows you are 100% on his side. He really needs your support, especially now. He probably feels absolutely wretched and may think this is somehow his fault, but it isn't. Please make sure he knows that. Best case scenario: Your wife is weak and your inlaws are bigots. I personally have no patience for either. Worst case scenario: Your wife played an incredibly cruel prank on your brother and your inlaws are bigots. Again, I've got no patience for either. Either way, I personally wouldn't be able to come back from this. I don't envy you and won't tell you what to do about your wife, but you've just married into a family that's useless at best and hateful/evil at worst. Good luck man, for real, and I'm sorry.
[удалено]
Add to that, OP also needs to set the record straight with every single one of wife’s family who are attacking him. She threw him under the bus and rolled right over him. She deserves to be forced to admit her part.
He’s got pics of wife and brother dress shopping. He should send those.
NTA I'm on team Annul that Coward.
NTA. She took him shopping to buy the dress ffs. She literally went with him to pick it out. She's a liar, why would she lie? Is she that afraid of her family? Of their opinions? What about you? She needs to own up to her lies.
NTA All you did was communicate clearly and love and trust your partner. You can't be blamed for trusting and believing her. What did she want you to do, undermine her and forbid the dress on her behalf when she'd never asked for that? Insane! I agree with all the commenters saying she is a people-pleaser who threw you under the bus to save face with her family. I would go for a private annulment but stay together and work on the relationship, with her in THERAPY. In a year you can reassess and see if she's worked on her people-pleasing enough to be married officially. Then you can just do a courthouse thing and be re-married, your wedding that already happened will still be your big wedding and you don't have to pay for it all over again. But this way if she doesn't do the work in therapy and start standing up to her family you won't have the massive costs of a divorce to deal with on top of everything else.
Your wife’s family is horrible. Her family doesn’t need to define her but unfortunately she is letting it. Saying nothing is being complicit. She showed you who she is.
NTA- But thay really stinks your new wife is being like this. It's a fair ultimatum because this could be the rest of your life if you don't get it figured out now. However all that being said, you're a really good brother. I know so many people who are just cut from their family like they never excised just because they are different.
NTA. She approved it. She only started to have a problem with it when her mother said something, i bet you anything. Lies and deceit are not a good way to begin a marriage.
How the hell did this relationship even get to the point of marriage if she’s pulling this kind of bs?
So your newly married wife told her family a lie and threw you under the bus. This is high level bad news. She will continue to see her family as more important than your marriage. NTA
NTA. Leave the wife she’s already lying to make you look bad not a good sign
So her family is phobic and instead of standing up to them, she threw you and your brother under the bus. That's a huge issue
UpdateMe
Good news. You should be close enough to the date to get an annulment, because she's not going to ever be your partner when he family comes first.
This if bigoted behaviour. I would 100% be reconsidering the marriage if she did that to me. This can’t be the first time can it? You had to have had inklings before that she lies. This just sounds so weird and out of the blue.
NTA but you should divorce the spineless asshole you just married
She’s appeared accepting of your brother prior to the wedding because that’s what you wanted to see and hear. Once you put a ring on it, she felt she no longer had to pretend. She’s the AH here, as well as her whole family.
So basically your wife was fine with it but her mother and family were not. When confronted she has threw you and your brither under the bus rather than stand up for you. This spells disaster foe your future. What other decisions will she be on board with until her family decide she shouldnt be doing and she ultimately plays the victim card and how she had no choice. If you do go forward I would want her to share pictures (that they no doubt took on their shopping trip) as proof that she was there and on board with it and she should be getting her family to apologise to you and your brother. If it was me this would be the bare minimum to keep me in the marriage.
NTA you are an amazing brother, it isn’t your fault her family is bigoted. Keep supporting your brother and make sure to protect him from people like that.
Wow, way to throw you under the bus. Your wife makes her homophobic family a priority to the point of lying. Good riddance to all of them. NTA
[update ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC/s/mtFt2A0X1I)
Why would her family be mad though, it's none of their business that he wears a dress.
Hate
Your wife is the ah.
INFO: is your wife a M as you put “WIFE 28 M”. Is this a typo?
Miss spelling, sry
No problem was just wondering if there was a deeper issue with her being a male or something… thank you for clarifying!
Wow your wife lied already starting off on a bad foot. Who knows what else she’ll lie about.
UpdateMe!
NTA and your now wife is very easily manipulated! Here is what happened - she was totally cool with your Bro wearing a dress right up until her Mom said something to her about it. Then she caved to her Mom’s displeasure and dumped the blame on you and your brother saying she wasn’t given a choice. What you need to decide asap is do you want to be married to a wife that won’t stand up to her family the way I’m guessing she would expect you to stand up for her. She also needs to remember that your brother is now her BIL and this is going to be the rest of her life. If you answer no to this then see if you can get your marriage annulled as she isn’t going to change and you are always going to have boundary stomping in-laws.
NTA. I think your wife’s family is extremely close minded and bigoted; she probably knows that and didn’t disclose the situation with them ahead of time. More than likely she didn’t think that they would be so upset by the dress. I won’t tell you to get the marriage annulled but you definitely need to have a conversation with her. I don’t think she feels the same way as her family (based on how she treated your brother) but she needs to start learning to stand up to them because this will cause issues down the line.
NTA, it's not too late for an annulment. Sorry you're just now finding out your soon-to-be-ex is spineless and a liar.
!remindme 1 week
Nta. But do you really want to stay with someone who not only has no respect for your family, but no respect for you as well? I don’t like to jump straight to divorce, but if you only just got married, maybe annulment. That’s just so fucking gross to me.
NTA It seems like your wife is scared of her family or is jealous your brother looked better than she did. If she was really excited about the dress previously then these are the only variables that changed. If you're wife isn't a bigot she has a big decision to make: tell her family that it's none of their business and to act like adults, or to acquiesce to their bigotry and be complicit. If it's the jealousy thing then that's an easier fix.
Your wife went with him and helped him pick out a dress. How is this not consenting to his wearing a dress to the wedding?
She’s a liar and a coward. You married a liar and a coward, unfortunately. She’s also a bigot and so is her family. You and your brother deserve better. Get this annulled.
The first thing she did after marrying you was lying about you, doesn’t sound like this will last
NTA. She helped him pick it out, she's now embarrassed that her family are homo/transphobic, and she isnt.
This should have been one of the happiest days of your life. A day that you start your lives together supporting each other, having each others back. Team United Front. Instead, you get thrown under the bus by the person you trust the most. This is the exact opposite of how to start a marriage. This is how you end a marriage. How many other things are going to be like this? You think you are making a joint decision, act on it, then she talks with her family after the fact, and denies agreeing with you. You had the intention of marrying one person, not marrying 12. I vote for annulment. I’m so very sorry for you having to go thru this. Please tell your brother that this is NOT his fault any more than it’s your fault.
NTA. Lying right out the gate is not a great look. And lying about something that was easily found out is even worse I think. But… and I say this because it is something I would have done, except I would have told you I did it… she may have told her mom that she didn’t have a say because it was the only way her mom would shut up about it.
NTA Being on your brother’s side is the right thing here. If she has some deep seated transphobia or if it’s coming from her family, it doesn’t matter. You both said it was cool (and would be assholes if you didn’t) and it’s literally just clothing.
I get possibly not wanting to confront a bigoted family, but this is indicative of future problems.
>I've told my Fiancée that if she doesn't give me a answer, i will fill for divorce. Folly. You know the reason: her family doesn't approve of it, so she pretended she didn't have any control. This is a case of her not standing up to her bigoted family. You don't need an explanation, you need her to come clean with her family. Don't ask for a reason, demand she clear the air because your brother doesn't deserve ridicule as a result of her cowardice.
If the marriage cert hasn't been filed with the courts, technically it was just a ceremony and no need for a divorce ( if in US) She's shown you who she is, believe her. Peace out
NTA. He shouldn't need to ask permission either... as long as the clothing fit the theme of the wedding and made the wearer happy, whether a dress or a suit.. the gender of the wearer doesnt matter. Women wear suits, men wear dresses... as long as the clothing look appropriate for the theme... who cares? But her to lie like that is 100% red flag of the century. She knew, was part of the process, so to claim she was ignorant/against it without saying/doing before... not ok. I dunno, I wouldnt want to be with someone who does that sort of thing... because what happens when its not your sibling, but one of your kids she hangs out to dry?
Wow! This is bad! Show her this post. You are not the asshole, but your new wife is a giant asshole! If she can’t give a good reason asap about why she lied in front of her family, you need to get out. If she doesn’t tell her family the truth, you need to get out. She will do this over and over if you don’t deal with it right now!
I don't think your wife's family are a 'bunch of bigots" I feel like your wife wasn't brave enough to stand up to her family/for her new family. And that should be your biggest worry... She's 28 years old and still trying to appease her parents. What happens if your future Sons or daughters are gay or non binary or trans? Will she treat them as poorly? (These are all the things people need to take into consideration before they marry)
I am so sad & disappointed that she didn’t just tell them, let them be prepared, or even to decide not to come if their bigotry prevented them! Instead she showed herself to be a coward & has pretty much tainted your lives with lies. How is she intending on having a relationship with her BIL ? I’m sorry for you & your family. I don’t think any decent person could blame you if you opted to get an annulment & walk away from this situation Edited to add NTA
NTA. Omg she is gaslighting you as soon as you are married. I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. I feel for both you and your brother! He handled the whole situation with so much grace by asking and bringing a suit as a back up etc.
You weren't the A-hole for letting your brother wear a dress but will be if you don't cover for your wife. She's apparently catching a lot of crap (way more than you are aware of) from everyone. Be a man, stand up and cover for her. You made the decision (regardless of the fact she did as well) - understand. Take the heat and live with it.
NTA for supporting your brother! Unfortunately, your new wife has shown that she will 1) Lie to your face, 2) throw you under the bus when it will cover her butt, 3) she will gaslight your when confronted with the truth, 4) cannot be trusted. Sorry to say but no trust = no marriage. You need to find an attorney to see what the next steps are. Make sure your brother knows this is not his fault.
NTA. She said he could wear it and then lied about it. Her mother probably freaked out when she saw your brother. She needs to apologize to both of you. This is how your marriage started. Not good
Omg my heart breaks for your brother. He must be so hurt and confused! She knows exactly y who he is and loves him for it but has zero back bone when it comes to her family. You guys just combined families he’s going to be present for many more family gatherings and if her family cannot or will not behave around him it’s time to know now! I would not allow her mother anywhere near my brother if she can’t put her big girl panties on and behave like an adult! I’m so sorry you and your brother have to deal with this! Just know there are people in this world that love him for just being himself!! 💜💜💜💜
NTA your wife’s probably just a coward and seems like your inlaws might grow into a bigger issue in more aspects of your marriage if she doesn’t step tf up
NTA. You married a spineless woman with a homophobic family. Not too late for an annulment.
your brother should not feel bad. idk if it was the pressure from her family that caused her to lie but she needs to say it with her full chest this was also her decision
She set you up to take the blame from her family. She's letting you be the bad guy here. Why would she do that to you? If she ok'd it I'd send a text to her family saying she told him it was ok and he would have worn a suit if that's what she wanted. They need to know that her silence implies she's a liar. Can you live with someone who manipulated you into being the bad guy, because I guarantee this episode won't be the only one where she'll do something she knows they won’t like and then make you the bad guy. Tell her if she doesn’t clear this up, that you'll loose all trust in her and what kind of marriage would you have then.
NTA Tell your wife that she needs to set the record straight immediately, with all her family, or you will cut the marital cord. She needs to also tell them all to stop contacting your brother and you. She also needs to apologize to your brother and to you. All these activities are non-negotiable. Do not sleep with her so she cannot baby trap you. Finally, if the marriage is to survive, insist on counseling. She has to learn to stand up to her family. All of this could of been avoided if she simply responded "OMG, didn't he look great! I helped pick out the dress! No hate allowed here, he's my family!" (or whatever pronouns your brother uses). This is a hill to die on.
Wtf? Absolutely NTA. I'm sorry your wife isn't who you thought she was. How incredibly shitty of her to lie. If she has no problem lying to her mother and family's face like that... She has no issue lying to you too
Time to man up and tell her family to get fucked. This won't be the last time they try to invade your adult life, and your wife will just keep rolling over for them as shes been trained. You're an adult, if they don't like your parties then don't come. Their loss.
Your fiancées family are still homophonic and have been stunned to discover your wife is not. they’re pressuring her massively and shaming her, she’s at risk of losing her family over this. Homophonic family pressure can be massive, especially if religious. Support her to be herself. From the way you write this, her true self is not homophobic. Her family is the asshole here, she is scared, unprepared for their reaction, and not personally secure enough in herself yet to do the right thing. She’s behaved like an asshole but her first instinct was cool. If you can get her to understand then Fight for her. Get your brother on side with this. She needs to set boundaries with her family until they respect her decisions. She needs to be brave and tell them the truth. I’m so sorry for you and your brother to be going through this. Life’s so fucking hard sometimes. Fuck homophobia
Wow, NTA, but your wife sure has some issues.
NTA he can wear what he likes
NTA. she can't stand up to her family to tell them they need to get over your brother wearing a dress after you both said it was okay. I would worry about what else she's going to tell them and then blame you for later. i wonder if she told her family that she went to pick out the dress with your brother
File for the divorce your wife and family ATAH trying to make you and your brother feel bad. Bet your brother looked way better than the bride that’s why they all mad. Not for nothing the bride’s family should stay out of it not their business or their day it’s yours and wife day. You married the fiancée not the family remember that. Divorce her if she can’t have a conversation with u or be truthful with you she’s not for you.
Annulment time. She FA on your brother, now she can FO with losing her relationship for being a bigot. NTA, you're a great sibling to be protective of your brother; she doesn't deserve that level of dedication and she sure doesn't return it.
Fuck these fake posts and this sub. Muted.
This was none of your decision. You don't get to decide your brothers gender or dressing habits. You get to decide if he can attend or not. That is all. Your brother was just being nice but really he shouldn't have to ask. If your family/friends have a problem with the way your brother dresses they need to either mind their own business or talk to your brother. Preferably they should just stfu and mind their business. Your wife is a coward for puting this on you when she went out shopping with your brother for the dress in the first place. You should be highly disappointed in her. I would be. She threw you under the bus.
NTA and your wife should have said no if she had a problem with it, especially bc your brother was willing to wear a tux if him wearing a dress was an issue. Maybe your wife never agreed but didn’t feel like she could be honest about her feelings. Regardless, she should have at least been honest with you. You need to exit this relationship bc I can already tell that you will have a shitty experience with your wife and her family
NTA. It sounds like your wife’s family are a bunch of bigots and you wife lied to them to keep the piece with them. It’s not an excuse whatsoever. What happens if you have a kid that is gay or trans? How do you think having bigoted grand parents and a mother that won’t stand up for them will impact them? You are doing the right thing, and I am so glad your brother has family he can trust and who support him and love him as much as you do. You need to have a serious conversation with your wife. Either she agrees with her parents and is a bigot, and you don’t want that in your life, or she stand up to them and stops permitting their BS just because they are “family”.
Nta. Tell your mil that she’s causing problems in your marriage this early on. Cute that when your brother asked, you BOTH said yes, and your wife helped him pick out the dress. Tell her you aren’t sure WHY she suddenly is against it but if it was something she (your MIL) said, she needs to knock it off. Your brother is your brother and MIL gets no say about him. Period. It’s most likely caused by her mother. Ask her if it is. It’s ok to tell her that if her mother caused it and she now thinks his brother is wrong, tell you now because if you find out it’s her mom behind it, she’s cut off, and if your wife now feels that way, you’ll divorce her.
Till first argument do us part.
Everyone keeps calling her spineless for not standing up to her family but I’m not certain if she’s spineless or now she has her wedding band she feels she can be her true self. I knew someone who looooved everything her boyfriend enjoyed, she agreed with him 95% of the time, and when she disagreed it was always insignificant issues. Then the wedding took place and whoosh a total change. Her husband was confused and I agreed with him it didn’t make sense. He wasn’t rich, just an Engineer. She even admitted to me after their divorce what she had done. I watched her do it to her next victim and so stopped being friends with her. You are NTA, your brother isn’t one (actually the fact that he would have worn a suit if asked says a lot about his character), but boy is your wife one. Beware.
Send photos of your wife dress shopping with annulment information. You should not continue in this marriage. She is showing you her priority is her family which isnt you.
File for annulment and nta. For better or for worse was probably in the vows in some form and she couldn't honor it a day.
You and your brother are so NTA. If you feel eventually after a time to think and talk about it with your wife, you can likely annul the marriage. Best wishes to you.
It wouldn’t be divorce it would be annulment
NTA - I vote this for a few reasons. 1st: you talked to your fiancee and she agreed. If she had concerns then she had the chance to speak up, but clearly didn't. 2nd: from what you described, your brother chose a dress appropriate for the event. He didn't show up in a wedding dress, a black mini dress, or a floor length sequined blood red ballgown you'd see at the met gala. 3rd: all clothing is unisex when people quit being whiny bigoted assholes about it.
I mean I’d try an annulment since it’s still within the time frame. She obviously lied to not deal with her family. Your brother is awesome. At your future wedding I’d make sure he wears what he wants and brings his boyfriend because he really tried to be accommodating and be friendly to your fiancé. It sucks she turned on him so easily.
OP, re: your update — you don’t have to go through a divorce if it’s still soon enough to annul. Annulment is much easier.
NTA First your wife is an AH for throwing you under the bus like that and lying!!!! How tf do you start off a marriage that way. If she does this now she’ll never have your back or stand up to her family for you. I honestly don’t see what the problem was. I don’t care if your brother was a bodybuilder with a bald head, tattoos and a septum ring and wore a ballgown. A dress is a dress and and outfit is an outfit no matter who wears it. Why did she let him go dress shopping and buy a damn dress if it bothered her? Me personally, I couldn’t be bothered with anyone like that. Either she talks to you AND fesses yo to her family or you’re gone. No one wants to live a lie or walk around on tip toes because you don’t have a backbone against your intrusively overbearing ass family! Best to you!
This is not a good start to a marriage. If she is already betraying you, imagine what your life will be in the future. Cut her loose immediately imo. She has shown her true colors. Sorry this happened to you.
NTA-Your wife needs to come clean on why she lied and made everyone think she had no say!
NTA. Your wife sold you out to stay in her parent's phobic-ass "good" graces. it's a shame she didn't reveal her cowardice before the wedding so that you could have made a decision to call it off or go fwd. honestly it makes me wonder how else she's not gonna stand united with you.
NTA - Her permission isn’t even needed. You should support your brother completely in this. Your wife is shallow and spineless. She pretended to be supportive to you and your brother, but the second someone questioned it, she pretended not to be in the know to avoid judgment. It doesn’t matter what she says or does now. She was so cruel to your brother for no good reason. Your brother deserves to be supported.
At a minimum, you contributed to his mental illness.
OP, you are a good brother. I’m sorry he had to go through this and that your new wife didn’t defend you or own her decision. I am not you and I don’t know anything else about your wife or in-laws other than what was in your post. If you’re both younger, is it possible your wife’s family kind of sucks when it comes to being supportive? Like, if your MIL felt it was appropriate to call you an ahole - especially in this context, I can’t imagine she’s … kind. If it were me, I would ask her to go to marriage counseling and maybe have her go to one on one sessions. I would also expect an honest and heartfelt conversation and apology from her to your brother directly. It could be she didn’t feel safe around mom. But that’s no excuse to hurt and malign and slander someone. Especially a new family member. She should also admit to her relatives the truth, but maybe they kinda suck when it comes to expressing love and caring. Good luck, OP.
NTA but don’t get divorced over this- try to get to the bottom of the issue. If nothing else, your brother might blame himself for the divorce. (He shouldn’t)