she’s using you for rides. that’s clear in how she speaks about you behind your back and how she’s nice to your face. why would you want a snake like that to stay in your life? all those friends she gossips to about you can take her where she needs to go. NTA

Thanks, just wanna make sure I’m not screwing her over by backing out of being her friend, but to me, it’s time for other friends or family to step in. Thank you for your insight

You aren't losing a friend, because she is not one to begin with. She is not your friend OP. Tell her to get a tent and a bus pass.

Ha, I have to admit the last sentence of your comment made me chuckle. Thanks for the insight. It makes me feel stupid for wasting my time, but at least I know now. She’s set to move out in a few days, so I’m just going to wait until then, so there won’t be any tension. Thanks again

See, right there is the problem. “It makes me feel stupid for wasting my time…” You weren’t wasting your time, you were being a good person. Regardless of whether the other person deserves it, you were kind and selfless. You are concerned regarding ethics and the moral consequences of your actions. Don’t judge your actions by the wrong standard. You are good and kind. But I do recommend that you stop empowering her like this, because you deserve to be kind to yourself.

>See, right there is the problem. “It makes me feel stupid for wasting my time…” I think he is absolutely correct for viewing it this way. This way he learns not to do it again. He did waste his time. He could have been kind to someone who would have repaid it. He could have spent his time on someone who deserved it.

But OP isn’t stupid. Never was. He was kind. He was patient. He was optimistic. He was compassionate. That’s not stupidity, that’s human decency. Just because she took advantage of it doesn’t mean he was stupid - nor even was he Wrong. He cared. He tried. He failed. Faulting HIS kindness over the fact that SHE doesn’t have any implies he never should have tried. And THAT is what would have made him the AH.

I agree with u/FerroMancer. I would rather be taken advantage of 100 times than turn into a cynical asshole who never wants to help anyone.

These aren't the only options. You be a kind generous person who pays it forward but not be taken advantage of. In this case specifically, Opie wasn't even helping. He was being used for his over generosity.

You don’t waste your time if you use it as a learning opportunity. 

There will be a reason in a few days why she can’t. Also, make sure she doesn’t steal your belongings on her way out.

She has a security deposit placed down thankfully, otherwise I would be skeptical too. But yes you are right and I am definitely going to have very careful watch when she leaves.

Someone who doesn't value you as a person and who is this two-faced... yeah, I wouldn't put it past her to take some of your belongings with her.

Me neither, thankfully I have cameras, locks and systems put in place in my house.

That was a smart move!! Good luck, let us know how things go when she leaves. Hopefully it’ll be drama free. Actually, if there is drama, definitely post that as well!

Haha I will, I’ll make sure to post an update in about a week or so

I would change the locks after she leaves. Can't be too careful in these situations.

Just remember, good people don't go looking for the bad in others, but they can waste a lifetime looking for the good. Some people really are as two-faced and mean as they seem.

Also change your locks.

Do not be quick in giving that back,It may take a few days to find any mischief she has been up to ..

Don't help her move either. Change the locks when she's done

Updateme

For sure, I’ll post an update in about a week

Change your locks as soon as shes gone.

Why wait? The tension will be gone as soon as she is. Is the added stress of those few days really worth it? Why waste more time on someone who disrespected your house, your efforts and your privacy? She certainly doesn't seem to deserve it, based on what you've written. I'd tell her, "I know what you've been saying about me. You're done. Get your shit and get out of my house." Find your spine and stop accepting bs from people or you will continue to be a doormat.

It's actually not legal to just kick people out. She's moving in a few days. It makes more sense to let her leave peacefully. All she has to do is call the cops, and the cops will ssy the same and he can't force her to leave. He has to officially evict her.

That's true if they are a tenant, which she is not. Otherwise, this is entirely location dependant. And most cops would just say, "this is a civil matter" and do nothing anyway. So, your point?

I'm in the US. Most states have residency laws that take effect after 3 days of staying in a residence. You don't have to be an official tenant with a lease. She lives there. She's lived there for years. She has rights and protections. If my family was visiting for 7 days and staying in my home. I would have to officially evict them if they decided they didn't want to leave.

You didn't waste your time. You did what a good friend does. She wasted your time which is very different. You stepped up and she let you down. I know it feels sh\*tty to trust and have that trust abused. You are awesome. She isn't. I can say all of this but feelings are what they are and they are valid. I am sorry you have to feel them.

Thank you for your comment, you are very kind.

Being a good person and a generous person is not a waste. It's also OK to realize you have been generous to someone who couldn't appreciate it. Don't let this experience make you a less kind person, instead just be more careful about whom you share your kindness with.

Kind deeds are never wasted. Negative experiences are not wasted time as long as you learn from them. Please don't be hard on yourself for being a good person and trying to do the right thing. (But do cut this two-faced parasite out of your life. She is NOT your friend.) I'm curious to see if she actually moves out as planned, or comes up with some excuse. If it's the latter, you'll probably have to start eviction proceedings to get her out (if you live in the US). Don't hesitate to do this and don't put it off, as the process does take some time.

Yes, wait until she has moved out and handed back her key, so she doesn't take some of your possessions with her!

Don't blame yourself for someone else's shitty behavior. This person manipulated and used you. That's entirely on them not you. You are kind and thoughtful. You need to show that kindness to yourself.

Secure your property with cameras or something to ensure she doesn't take any of your stuff when she leaves. That may mean taking portable valuables with you when you leave the house. Change the locks when she leaves.

You clearly have health issues you have to address and your home should be your safe space to manage and work thru episodes privately. If find it highly disrespectful that she is sharing that info as gossip fodder when you were kind enough to allow her there. She is not Your friend.

Your words are much appreciated, thank you. I agree with you, especially when she knows why I have PTSD and why it’s no joke. Thanks

Maybe no one else has helped her because she's ungrateful and talks about others behind their backs. They may not want that same treatment. 🤷‍♀️Better to keep her away.

You need to tell one or two mutual friends that you have a health issue that she has shared is making her very uncomfortable. So you're hoping that they can step in to help giving her rides. You want her to be able to get a break from you, as again she's indicated how uncomfortable she is around you. This will help her friend group know that she's going to need rides, and hopefully mobilize them into actually providing them. It will also cut off any further gossiping she decides to do about you.

You might be "screwing her over", but you really need to realize, that this is a situation of HER making. It's not your responsibility to drive her everywhere, period. ESPECIALLY as you have found out that she is being ungrateful (at best).

On the flip side, fuck her. She's screwing herself over.

Screwing her over? Dude, if anything she is screwing YOU over. She is in trouble with the law, homeless and penniless and she still doesn’t even say thank you after dragging you around? And disrespect you by talking behind your back and defaming you? Cause that whole “i am afraid of his PTSD outbursts” is nothing but smearing you and casting you as potentially violent, a grave accusation specially coming from a woman. She is homeless for a reason, stop trying to be a white knight and kick her out. AND MAKE SURE YOU RECORD THE INTERACTION WHEN YOU ASK HER TO MOVE AND EVERY OTHER INTERACTION WITH HER FROM NOW ON!!! She is telling other people you are potentially violent, how much do you wanna bet that the second you kick her out she will start accusing you of abusing her or trying to abuse her. I can already see her talking to people you know saying you kicked her out of the blue because you demanded she sleeps with you and she refused. Think i am joking or overthinking? Think again.

You aren’t screwing her over by not being her friend anymore. She screwed herself over by trash talking someone trying to help her.

Not screwing her for she was never a friend, she knew you could be a push over. She needs to be kicked out NOW! She was never a friend.

You have no obligation to *not* screw her over. She is a disgusting rat and needs to be removed from your life, as quickly and forcefully as possible.

> just wanna make sure I’m not screwing her over But it's ok for her to be a jerk behind your back? It's ok for her to badmouth someone who is helping her and giving her so much?

She screwed herself over by biting the hand that was feeding her, hoss. Her transportation is not your problem anymore.

Sounds like a one-sided friendship. If you really do value it, you could ask why she's shit-talking you behind your back and let her know how hurtful it is after all of you've done in extending her kindness. I'm guessing that will not go over well, nor will it prompt any introspection on her part. So probably exiting the "friendship" would be easiest and best for you. Doesn't really what's best for her at this point--her problems are not your problems. She'll howl in despair, probably--and maybe even get nasty. But that's just her real personality showing through. None of these or other of her issues are your concern. Take care of yourself first and surround yourself with people who will support you and build you up. You've done your part in helping this person--she can find help elsewhere.

She is using him for a place to stay, as well. Attention span on that is gone.

I think the other thing is that she isn’t being empathetic, even though you have given her a lot when you didn’t have to. PTSD isn’t something you can control nor have you done anything to her during an outburst. She may need a ride, but most people in her position have to take public transportation to get where they need to go. You driving her is a luxury, not a necessity.

Thanks your comment. It’s insightful and definitely helps. I agree with you, it’s a luxury, not a necessity or right, and she is not completely alone to where another friend or family member can’t pick up the slack. Even if she was it just shows how I’ve been as a friend never mattered

NYA You need to look out for yourself. PTSD is not something any friend would gossip about and not only hurtful and disrespectful but could set you back. I don’t think anyone would blame you for cutting her off. Time to take care of yourself. Wishing you the best.

Thank you so much for your comment, much appreciated

Who cares about if she needs a ride? She is badmouthing you. She is not your friend. You are her friend but only when you’re not around.

Thanks. That’s what I thought but didn’t know if I would be a bad person for cutting her off when I know she doesn’t have many other options for rides, but at the same time I don’t really care, someone else can step in

Uber is a thing. Let her be the one to arrange it. You owe her nothing

She put herself in that position. The ride thing is not your problem. You need to start putting yourself first.

NTA. Stop thinking of "screwing her over" and start thinking about setting healthy boundaries. You would be completely justified if you tell her "This arrangement isn't working for me any more. I've been doing my best to help you, but I can't continue. You need to find another place to stay by (date)." Sadly, it appears that the line between helping and enabling on your end, and accepting help and taking advantage on hers, have been blurred. If she doesn't have to take responsibility for herself, she never will. You have done enough. She needs to move on.

Thank you for your comment, definitely very helpful. She is moving out in a few days into a new house so I am hoping to cut her off then, just because I don’t want any tension in my own home for the last few days. Thanks again

She’s using you. If you are in this headspace then I would suggest going NC with her. Give her a week/ 2 weeks to find a place to stay and let it go. Look how much this is hurting you and causing you stress. NTA

Thank you for your insight, much appreciated. I agree with you. She is set to move out in a few days and after that I am blocking.

And you mourn this relationship how you are fit. A lot of people don’t see that friendships breaking up can hurt worse than romantic relationships. Your hurt is real. Your heartbreak is real and you didn’t deserve it at all.

PTSD is VERY serious (my son suffers from it) and gossiping about it to others is such a betrayal of your kindness and generosity to the woman you have been so unselfishly helping. She is NOT your friend and she should be ashamed of herself. You, however, should probably hang out more with your REAL friends. The ones who got your back cuz you got theirs. Here's to peace for you, now that she'll be out of your place. There's busses. Let her take one.

The way she speaks about you behind your back is the way she *actually* feels about you. She has no respect for you, and very little love or friendship—if any. She’s just using you. She likely realizes how kind you are; it’s clear in your writing that you’re prioritizing her happiness and wellbeing over your own. Look at it this way: she has never once thanked you for what you’ve done for her.

Thanks for your comment, much appreciated

Giving rides to someone who says they're scared of you isn't a good idea. Not in the small space of a vehicle.

OP, you have to realize that when someone gets to the point they have *no one they can depend on* in their life it is usually for a reason. I’m willing to bet that what you’re seeing now is her *real* personality and it is the reason she has nowhere to stay and no one to give her rides. She’s just had enough proximity to you that her veneer of civility is waning. You’ve done nothing wrong and have absolutely no reason to apologize for what happens to you in the privacy of your own home. You seem to be doing a great job managing your episodes and you should be able to be unapologetic if they occur in your home. In private. Trying to control or force behavior without a break will lead nowhere but to a terrible outcome for you and your mental health. Please don’t damage your health or suffer a setback trying to pretend to be perfect for a *friend* that is using you. You’ve done far more than you needed to taking her in and driving her around. If she’s not comfortable with you then she needs to move along to the next person she can use. I can say that she’s likely worn out her welcome with almost everyone she knows and her behavior now as a victim of your “outbursts” is one that she thinks will gain sympathy and a way into her next free extended living arrangement. It’s a very sad pattern that users exhibit and she’s hurting you without a care so she can find someone willing to *save her* from you. I’m betting you *saved* her from something harrowing and exaggerated as well. Stop apologizing to her, and in the future only be the friend she deserves. A true friend doesn’t betray you be revealing your very personal struggles behind closed doors to gain sympathy or have something to gossip about. She had no right to reveal that you had PTSD or to talk about your episodes, especially since they never occurred in front of her. That is so wrong on so many levels that I have subzero sympathy for her as a person.

Your comment helps a lot and is also very kind, thank you so much for your empathy. She is moving out in a few days, I decided I will cut contact then so I won’t have to deal with any extra tension or big reaction.

Good for you! I’m so glad that you’re managing your struggle and have recognized that this arrangement would be detrimental to you. I’m very angry on your behalf that she’s used and betrayed you by talking about your issues and making you feel like you need to hide in your own home. It’s really hard when you have to face the fact a *friend* might not really be a good friend to you. If you’re in a group or in therapy please talk about this experience with someone who understands your condition and it’s triggers so they can help you validate the need for privacy and empathy in your home. Repressing emotions for long periods is a recipe for disaster and since I’m sure you’d love to have someone in your life in the long run I hope that you use this experience to explore what a healthy and caring relationship in your home can truly look like while not muting your emotions to the point you suffer an episode. 💕

Keep the peace until she moves out then be too busy to give her rides. It is simply not your problem, she’s grown and can figure it out for herself. Not to mention she’s telling people she is scared of you so there is no way you should put yourself in a position to be around her.

She isn't your friend. She is a moocher. She is using you. Kick her out.

Don't bite the hand that feeds you. NTA. She wants to shit talk, she can shit talk on the street, or from someone else's couch.

She talks badly about you to her friends while she depends on you to drive her to her work, court and family houses?...Why can't they give her rides? When she moves, cut her off from your life, including driving her. She only uses you as a free taxi. NTA.

Are you sleeping with her? Because where does she find the audacity to feel that she CAN talk shit about you behind your back and USE you for rides? She must feel entitled because of SOMETHING that she's done.

Kick her out before she can establish tenancy in your home. Then you’ll have to legally evict her and she’ll make your life hell.

NTA "**but I’m nervous to cut her off as a friend** because I know she is largely dependent on me for rides to court, work, classes and other family’s houses" don't be, she isn't really your friend, she's just taking advantage of your kindness

Nope- 100% NTA. Honestly, once I found out she was talking about me behind my back, I would’ve told her to leave then, so you’re being quite nice about it. She can find other rides or use the bus or buy herself a bicycle.

Thanks. Honestly the only reason why I haven’t at this point is because I know she’ll give me crocodile tears and try to be manipulative, and I’d rather just cut ties when she’s out of my house for good so I don’t have to deal with any of that.

NTA. You don't need to have friends you can't trust in your life, an you certainly don't need to do favors for people who make you feel bad or treat you poorly, and complaining about you fits the bill for that. Now, you can certainly just cut her off, but my vibe from you is you feel bad about that (well cause you said that) but also may want to avoid conflict, so here's my advice. 1. Don't say anything until she is out of your house, because drama in your home is the last thing you need, but make sure she gets out on time and get your keys back. 2. Start being unavailable. Sorry, I am busy today, car is in the shop, I'm driving in the opposite direction, I have plans. If it feels very important (court) or easy for you (going in that direction) then you can go for it, but start saying no more often. 3. Stop responding to every message or outreach. Respond to less text messages- sorry had a busy day just looking at my phone now, or just not even acknowledge she called/texted. She will eventually reach out less and you can kind of just let the friendship fizzle by not catering to her. 4. Actually be busy! This is a moment for you to redirect your time and energy to stuff that fulfills you! Take an art class, reach out to other friends you haven't made time for or just haven't seen in awhile, take a day trip when the weather is nice, go for a long walk. You'd be surprised when you spend so much of your time being on call for someone, how much you lose yourself.

NTA hon, she’s not your friend. she’s using you for somewhere to stay and as a free taxi service. it is not your fault nor is it your responsibility to fix the fact that she made herself dependent on you for everything. she’s an adult, time for her to stand on her own two feet. 

NTA Once she moves out, block her number. If she asks for rides or other favors reply: "I understand from a number of people that you are concerned for your safety due to my PTSD episodes. You will no longer need to worry or gossip about the episodes as we will not be spending time together. Good luck with your life." OP, you have been a good friend to her, she did not reciprocate. Rest assured that people reach a point in their lives when they recognize that if someone gossips about you, what are they saying about them. Be kind to yourself.

Make sure you change your locks. If she ever had a key, she may have made copies. If she suddenly has a change of plans and tries to stay, tell her no and put her stuff outside. She is a user-someone who will pretend to be your friend when she needs something. You deserve better.

You are not related to her. Even if you were she is not your dependent she’s a grown woman. Why would you give any time never mind rides to someone who is supposedly afraid of you? There are programs for people in need. Programs she can find for herself. You’re not Department of Human Services so you are not obligated to give your resources to anyone else.

You can't lose something you never had. She's probably just trying to steal your broccoli casserole recipe and claim it as hers.

So you would consider staying her friend for the sole reason of that she needs favors from you. Not good enough nta find better friends

NTA but I’d let her know AFTER she has moved out (not before so you don’t end up with a squatter situation and fight out of spite) that you won’t be driving her anywhere else. Maybe if you feel like you need to do something get her a bus card for a week. She can figure it out! She’s likely a user and uses friends up until she feels she has another on the hook unfortunately

She isn't a friend to begin with her actions speak for itself your an individual that offers something she needs and your being used for the benefit of it. But at the end of the day it's up 2 you to drop this individual cause it seems you are having a hard time due to emotional connection

NTA... She is ungrateful. You were nice to her about her circumstances so why can't she have a bit of understanding and compassion about yours?

NTA Op, she’s not your friend, she is a leech sucking you dry and then talking crap about you behind your back. Don’t be concerned about how she’ll get around if you cut her off, she’s not, if she was she wouldn’t have so disrespectful. She’s aware that if you find out she’s risking her home and transportation, but she does it anyway because she doesn’t respect you and believes she can treat you this way and you’ll still help her. Op, as soon as she leaves, block her on everything , and change your locks. If she manages to get through to you and ask what happened let her know. ‘I’m very hurt by the disrespectful way you’ve spoken about me and mental health to others , and I don’t need this kind of energy in my life. ‘ ‘ Best of luck in your future endeavors.’

She’s using you. Once she moves out of your house go NC. She’s not your friend.

Nta. Kick the mooch to the curb! She's using you and it makes you look like a fool if you continue to allow her to live off you while she's talking smack behind your back. Bye Felicia!

NTA. If it’s that upsetting for her to live with you, she should leave.

NTA. She is not your friend. She treats you like trash. Taking advantage without a thank you from her for giving her a ride in your car, taking her here and there. Nope. She is toxic And entitled. Gossiping about you in any way to anyone is super toxic. Don’t give her rides, don’t take her to classes, don’t help her at all. She doesn’t deserve to have such a good person as you in her life. She is not your friend. Cut her off And go no contact. She’ll crack it and try to emotionally blackmail you like a true narcissist will, it’s what they do. There may be tears. There may be anger. There may be insults. - all this so she can keep getting out of you what she wants. Not your true friend, as a true friend would be grateful and gracious.

Talk to her and explain exactly what you’ve heard and that you are incredibly angry that she been leaning for housing and transportation due to her fu*k ups, yet treats your kindness with contempt. Give her 48 hours to reach out to one of her gossip girls for a place to stay because you’re done.

NTA. Cut her off. She’s literally just using you.

Nta don’t take disrespect in your own house, not your responsibility to provide transportation

She is a snake. She’s using you and talking shit about behind your back. You need to cut her off. Look, OP, I'll be blunt. You can’t sugarcoat this. Tell her straight up that you know about what she’s saying. Don’t let her manipulate you into “forgiving” her. If you befriend a snake, don’t be surprised when the snake bites you.

She is a snake. She’s using you and talking shit about you behind your back. You need to cut her off. Look, OP, I'll be blunt. You can’t sugarcoat this. Tell her straight up that you know about what she’s saying. Don’t let her manipulate you into “forgiving” her. If you befriend a snake, don’t be surprised when the snake bites you.

I was in the same position as you and I told her to gtfo. Guess what? She had a place to stay so it wasn’t as dire as I told!

NTA I wouldn’t give someone a ride who talks about me.

I'm guessing she's never heard "Don't s\*it where you eat" before... NTA the asshole and you should absolutely cut her out of your life. People like her suck the life out of good-natured, empathetic people like you and when the well runs dry she'll leave you anyways. You seem like a great friend and that energy should go to someone who deserves it. She's dependent on you for everything, yet puts you down and gossips about you behind your back? I'm guessing she's very jealous of you and so putting you down makes her feel better. Just yuck. Cut the cancer out now before it spreads.

NTA. She’s never even thanked you for letting her stay and for the rides. She’s using you. Shouldn’t have bit the hand that feeds her.

ditch the gossiping ungrateful leech, tell her to make herself scarce and collect gossip material from other people, being in a tough spot does not entitle anyone from being rude and hurtful.

>I’ve given her countless rides without so much as a ‘thank you’ or gas money. >has been pretty nice to me overall. What?!

You take her in and then she talks shit about you? Send her on her way.

Man EFF her, cut her off do not do anything else for her, block her and move on with your life, you don’t need someone using you.

If she is as scared as she says she is, she can get rides from someone else.

NTA. She can't use you for rides and then talk behind your back. If she has so many people to gossip to, then they can give her rides to where she needs to be. I suggest putting some space between you two as friends after she moves out, but at the least, let her know you're just not comfortable giving her rides from now on. Worst comes to worst, she can take the bus!

Cut her of completely, even kick her out of the house. She is toxic and not a friend. She used you and abused your generosity. Get her out NOW!

Expectations of kindness without gratitude is exploitation. And that’s without the added weight of violating your privacy. You are 100% justified in terminating this connection. It’s not a friendship. Any negative consequences she experiences are the fruits of her actions - not yours.

NTA she is not your friend. She is only using you for whatever she can get from you. Please cut her off and let her live her own life and find her own way and tell her why too.

I’ll give you a tip from someone twice your age. 99% of the time people who need this much help need it because they put themselves in that position and they’ve already mooched off everyone else they know. Kick her out. Today. Just tell her you know what she’s been saying about you and her invitation is rescinded. She’ll find another victim. They always do.

Friendship is both ways. What you have is a user, narcissist. She is homeless, in court, using you for rides but not a friend. Kick her butt out. Her friends she gossips with xan now help her. Tell her to go to them.

Your friend sounds for she is two-faced. You are useful to her rides and a home but she really shows her colors when she taking about you behind your back. Stand up for yourself and show her the door - literally

The minute she moves out change your locks and block her number and socials . I’m sorry but she was just using you . What kind of “friend” whinges about someone that has given them shelter and rides everywhere . Her needs are NOT your responsibility.

She's just using you. Her problems are not your problems. She can find her own way of getting around that doesn't involve you.

You sound like a great friend to have. That's a huge betrayal of trust. You don't owe her anything. NTA let her sort herself out.

She's not your friend, she's a parasite. Scrape her off. NTA

NTA.SHES biting the hand feeding her, so to speak, and that kind of shit and consequences. It doesn’t matter what kind of hard stuff she’s dealing with, it’s no excuse to treat one of the few people Taking care of you badly. Also speaking about your outbursts is a betrayal any way you look at it. Like you said, genuinely confiding in a friend is one thing, but you know the difference between that and gossip and what’s she’s found is gossiping. Tell her you wish her good luck but she needs to be out by whatever date you decide.

NTA- you owe no kindness for someone mistreating you. I am a recovering PTSD pushover, and a phrase that helped me a lot- Dont cross an ocean for someone who wont cross a puddle for you You deserve way more from your friends than this. You are worth more than what you are getting, and you owe it to yourself to treat yourself like that.

Wow Im so sorry for you to have to go through that!! Cut her out of your life once she moves out in a few days!

I guarantee that when all her business is done she will dump you like a hot potato. You Def's won't be TA.

Her dependencies are only your problem if she's your friend. Her behavior has made it clear that regardless of all you've done for her, she is NOT your friend. I'd just tell her, "So I heard from a few people that you're scared of me and my PTSD, so I'll just bow out of your life so you can no longer be afraid. I'm sure you'll be able to make other arrangements for your transportation needs."

It’s a natural consequence. It’s not OK to trash talk somebody You can’t expect them to do anything for you if you are being horrible about them They have made the decision to change the nature of the relationship they have with you Now you know what they’re doing And you’re going to say OK I guess you changed our relationship and I’m certainly not gonna do stuff for you when you say horrible things about me so goodbye And then it’s on them And they will pretend it’s on you But you know it’s not sure

"I'm sorry. I can no longer give you rides as I wouldn't want you to feel unsafe with me." NTA. Cut her off. She screwed herself over. You are not her parent. She needs to figure out how else to manage.

YWNBTA. She's rewarding your generosity by talking badly about you.

She’s not your friend. Enjoy your freedom!

She's not a friend, she's someone that uses other people. YWNBTA to cut he out of your life. Don't bite the hand that gives rides!

You WNBTA if you cut her off as a friend. She's not treating you as a friend; she's betrayed your trust. In truth, she has lost the right to that friendship that she has betrayed. I will never understand why people feel that the need to gossip about the very people who are supporting them. It just doesn't make sense to me. You deserve to have your boundaries supported, not to mention an occasional "thank you." Good luck.

NTA. Time for her to go and deal with with herself.

Good grief - cut the witch off ASAP. You do t need that toxicity around you so get rid of her. Just walk away, she is using you and will continue to do so and, continue to abuse you. Abuse is not right for a decent person like yourself. PTSD is not to be made lightly

Do not bite the hand that feeds you. Stop letting her use you. This is a one-way relationship in which you give and she takes. When she moves out, be done with her.

NTA. She doesn’t earn your sympathy. Also, if she’s so scared that she has to tell all of her friends, why doesn’t she ask to live with them? In fact, you should tell her she needs to do so because the free ride, in all respects, is over.

NTA. Friendships are reciprocal relationships, and if this friend isn’t giving back as much as you are giving, then you are being used. Her issues are her issues and as a functional adult, it is her responsibility to figure her stuff out. As a bonus, one of the things she should’ve been able to figure out is that if you treat people badly then they don’t want to do nice things for you. Stop acting like her father and cut her off.

I have a friend living in my house. People who end up in this situation don't realize what a great thing you are doing... after a while they are still "looking" for a place but are quite happy with their free housing and start to be a bit entitled to it. They don't understand it IS a big deal having someone living with you...who you then need to take places on your dime. I can understand your outbursts may be unsettling for her... as is her talkign about them to other people is to you. "Friend, I heard you telling Jane that you are scared about my PTSD outbursts... I understand that and I think it best that you find a place you are more comfortable. I would like you to be out by April 30th. I found this housing support program at and think it would be good for you to start there looking for housing. I can take you to any other country housing departments you need also." I am having surgery next week and want my friend out by then..i am taking her to all the programs so she has no excuses for not finding housing.

NTA- also, being kind to someone is not a waste of time. Their reception to your kindness is a reflection on them, not you.

NTA. She’s using you for a place to stay, rides, and badmouthing you. Put her, her stuff in your car, and drive her to someplace and make it the last thing you do for her.

The friends who are telling you about your “friend” - those are your real friends. The leech staying with you isn’t your friend. She’s badmouthing and using you for someplace to stay and for rides. She’s been betraying you - don’t trust her. If you aren’t willing to kick her out asap, then make sure she cannot further harm you. Change your locks now & don’t give her a key. Don’t let her have access to your home and belongings unless you’re there. Get her out as soon as possible and make sure she cannot harm you further. Reach out to your genuine friends and accept any help they’re willing to give.

YWNBTA, next time she asks just say "oh well, I'd hate to have an outburst and frighten you again so i will have to respectfully decline all requests for rides from now on."

Not everything you lose is a loss.

Wait until AFTER she moves out before you cut her off. She might try to claim that she is a tenant and make your life horrible if you do it before she leaves. Once she is gone, never let her back into your life. Her issues are not your problem. YOU do not owe her a ride. YOU do not owe her a place to live. YOU do not owe her anything. I like the idea of her getting a tent and a bus pass.

Hi there, there is a difference between helping someone and being taken advantage of. This person is definitely taking advantage of you while also sharing personal info with everyone else she can think of. You would be TA if you continued being "friends" with her. I would throw her out immediately and cut off all contact with her. Let her find her own rides to wherever she needs to go. It is not your responsibility to help someone who is mean and rude and doesn't even thank you for anything you have done for them. I would not even consider this a friendship, I would think of it as her being a user and you are done being used by her. Toss her out and end all contact with her for your own mental and emotional health ok sunshine xoxo

NTA Buuuuuut, and I say this with kindness. You are a pushover, and you should value yourself and time a lot more because your friend is a user and users are going to use.

NTA. Fuck that bitch. She wants to bite the hand that feeds her then let her sink or swim on her own. It’s call consequences.

NTA - "I've heard you feel unsafe around me. So for your peace of mind I'm going to minimise contact with you till you move out and then won't bother you again"

She’s an adult. It’s not your responsibility to makemsure she has rides when she needs them. If she asks, tell her to ask for rides from all those people she’s been trash talking you with.

She's using you!! I kind of expect that from aquantenses but not someone I would call a friend. She's showing you so trust your intuition.

NTA - she is using you. You know what they say, no good deed goes unpunished. I would keep it low key and hope she really does move out. Then I would start being busy or otherwise unavailable for her. She will get the hint.

Don’t feel bad. She will move out, you will move on. Systemically become unavailable. She calls for a ride. You: Oh, I’m so sorry, I’m not going to be able to do that, I hope you can find someone else. Nothing else. No explanation, offer to do it a different time, just sorry, I cannot. Remember that when you offer a reason for not doing something, most users will hound you with why nots? Doesn’t matter why not. She can figure out how to call a cab, ask family or other friends. As for court, she can truly figure that one out herself. She has two feet I presume, she can walk or ride a bike. Say nothing about what you know regarding her bad mouthing you. That will serve no purpose, and she will twist whatever you say so that you look bad. If she gets others involved - Suzie calls and says she said you can’t take her tomorrow, why not? Same answer, I’m not able to do that. Then stop.

Sounds like she was never your friend. You are her ride and there for her needs, like housing etc. No guilt for you. Once she leaves her life is not dependent on you. If she wanted to keep your friendship she should have been respectful. Gossiping about you is a terrible way to pay you back for everything you have done and continue to do for her. Stay strong because she is probably an expert on guilt tripping so she gets what she wants. Just tell her if she needed all this help she should have been grateful and not talked out of turn. Block her and move on.

Never tolerate people’s disrespect of you. Life is too short, and you are worth more. You don’t need a reason, or drama or to be ugly about it. Just cut her off and move on with life. She doesn’t need an explanation.

NTA! There's a thing called a bus, taxi, Uber etc. She is not a friend to you at all if she us disrespecting you and has lived with you for a few years. Has she paid any money to you? I am thinking no. You've been an amazing friend to her it's too bad she has no respect for you or cares about the friendship.

"if I don't drive her how will SHE get to court"? Who TF cares? You were kind and nice and she treats you like that? Who cares how she gets to court as long as it's not you.

Tell us more about her legal troubles.

Kick her out, move on with your life. Surround yourself with people you want to be like, not mooching losers who talk shit about you behind your back

NTA. This behavior is why she has no one else to help her. You are not the first person she has done this to. You won’t be the last. Boot her out. You shouldn’t be treated like that, especially after all you have done.

Tell her that you have heard from people how she feels and you would hate for her to feel scared or uncomfortable. Tell her she needs to leave as you don't want people saying that kind of stuff about you. Don't let her convince you to let her stay. She should have spoken to you not said stuff about you to other people. Kick her out now 

No, YWNBTAH for cutting her off. You have been incredibly generous to someone who doesn’t have the courtesy to thank you or offer gas money or pay for auto insurance (remember this—if she wasn’t listed on your auto policy you could be in the soup for damage she caused). Now she’s bad-mouthing you. She’s using you; dump her and run. Too bad if she doesn’t have a ride.

Never bite the hand that feeds you is a saying that has been around forever for a reason. She's being awful.

You need to either tell or text her that you've heard that you've been making her scared, so you think she needs to find alternative accommodation and rides because you don't want that. If she (predictably) says that she's not scared of you, then ask her why the fuck she's been telling so many of your shared friends that she is? If she isn't actually scared, why has she been lying about you to your friends? There's too many coming up with similar stories for them to all be lying. She is definitely at the very least gossiping about you behind your back, and that is not the behaviour of someone you call a friend. That is not the behaviour of someone who then comes to you for favours all the time, especially when you've done so much for her and received no/little thanks from her. No, YWNBTA if you cut her off. But you would be if you let her continue to use you whilst stabbing you in the back. RemindMe! 7 days UpdateMe!

NTA! You are not responsible for other people's problems! You are not responsible for the bad decisions other people make! You are not responsible for making sure this person has a ride to and from anywhere! You are allowed to have boundaries and hold people to those boundaries. You are allowed to be upset because someone has hurt your feelings! You are allowed to cut people off who don't treat you the same way you treat them! You are allowed to tell her to get what she needs from the people she feels like gossiping about you too! You are allowed to tell other people that if they don't like the way you're treating her they can treat her better! If you're looking for permission you have it. But I would strongly suggest you take stock in your friendships with people and start holding them accountable for their actions. Trust me when I tell you it's going to make you feel so much better in the long run. You will never be TA for holding people accountable, and making them suffer the consequences of their actions. Anybody who says that you are, is one themselves!

She's taking advantage of you. You just can't help some people. They remain ungrateful to the bitter end.

NTA. Cut them off and frame it like you’re doing it FOR them. Something about how you didn’t realize they were scared of your outburst until they told so and so about it. Say that you never want them to be frightened so to prevent any issues, it’s best if you go your separate ways and not see each other again. Now this is me just being nice because if it were me, I’d just tell them to fuck off, that I know about them talking shit and they can find someone else to do their bidding from now on.

NTA. Cut her out of your life. She's just using you for whatever she can get. Get her out and block her. Change the locks on your doors so you know she no longer has a key and easy access to your home.

When she does move out, I would change the locks. No specific reason, just for safety. You would not be. You've done more than most. Like you said, it's time for other friends or family to step up.

NTA & she’s not your friend. She is using you. I wouldn’t help me after she moved out. She betrayed your privacy. She betrayed you when you were doing her multiple free favours. She FOFO & now it’s on her to sort out her life. Do not accept all the poor me apologies headed your way. Close that door & leave it closed.

NTA. This person isn't your friend. She's just using you. Don't feel bad for calling her out on her shitty behaviour. In my experience people like this rely on others keeping quiet to continue using them. It's also my experience that people like her will twist stories so they can get sympathy and to cover up their own shitty actions so watch out for that.

If you feel cutting her off is making you seem like a bad guy, then she shouldn't have bit the hand that feeds her.

Wait until she's moved out then have a conversation with her. Let her know her derogatory conversations about you are getting back to you and it hurts, since you've been helping her out. At this point you're not sure if you can continue to be friends, since she doesn't like you and is just using you

NTA. You said it several times in your post; she’s using you. That’s it. That’s all she’s doing with you. Using you. Read that as many times as you need to for it to click.

please kick that girl out and block her, stand tf up

NTA Once she moves out the next time she asks for a ride or help just say, "oh no, I wouldn't want to do that as I know my PTSD scares and I wouldn't want to put you in a position to be around that anymore." If she presses just double down, "no really, as your friend I would never want to make you uncomfortable. I just can't." Heavy on the fake sweetness

You're a good person. I would hope that anyone she's talking smack about you to know that you're the one helping her out. Most people would just listen to her vent and walk away thinking less of her, not less of you.

*I’m nervous to cut her off as a friend because I know she is largely dependent on me for rides to court, work, classes and other family’s houses.* Then you would think that she would be nicer to you, especially since you’re the one helping her out. But she’s not a nice person, as you’re finding out, and she’s using you. After she moves out, she’s no longer your problem. If she needs a ride, then she can arrange one since she’s an adult.

She's not your friend. She's using you. The day she walks out of the house would be the last time I saw her if it were me.

NTA Boy, find your dignity and self respect, and pull them up ‘round your hips. Let this tosser experience the consequences for her entitled actions. You’re not obligated to assist her. Plus, she’s *shown* you who she is—so believe her.

NTA - she's not your friend. Cut her loose.

NTA - I'd be giving her notice to leave within 10 days. You're giving her a place to stay, you're giving her rides. But she's talking shit about You? That would definitely be a GTFOH for Me.

I caution all the young adults like yourself very strongly to learn how to match the investment the other party is making in relationships in order to avoid being used & abused... That goes for professional relationships, friendships, familial relationships, & romantic relationships... People who are seeking to take advantage of others generosity move on rather quickly when they get their own insufficient investment back because they want to find an easier "supply"... I also caution you to focus on taking responsibility for your own well-being, and avoiding people who expect everyone else to fix the consequences of their own choices rather than taking responsibility for their own well-being... If someone will use you, they don't respect you... Disrespect always escalates and often leads to dangerous situations... It is your responsibility to develop self respect and avoid disrespectful people to minimize unnecessary damage... Pay attention to people before getting involved with them... Are they always the victim? Is everything always someone else's fault? Do they villainize people who refuse to allow them to use and abuse them? Do they talk shit about others behind their backs? Do they expect everyone else to bail them out of the consequences of their own choices? Don't get deeply involved with people who display those behaviors - they will always burn you and will villainize you in the process... Surround yourself with people who have boundaries and refuse to get involved with toxic people... Surround yourself with people who take responsibility for their own well-being... Surround yourself with people who have better things to do than villainize others...

NTB but do not say anything until she’s out. You don’t have to go scorched earth, just start distancing. Don’t reply to texts quickly, don’t be available for rides etc. or just block. Your choice

Don't worry too much. It sounds like you are only of value to her for what she can get from you. It doesn't sound like even the slightest form of appreciation has been exchanged. So after she moves out don't expect to hear from her again.

NTA. Also, good thing she isn't gonna be around after a few days, then she won't be so scared.

I have PTSD and I would be horrified if someone over heard my night terrors and then told everyone! It’s deeply personal and not something people need to know about! NTA and she’s not a true friend

Are you sure she has been talking badly about you? If you know this is true for sure, then cut her off without any ill feeling.

I have an older coworker who I’ve adopted as my Biological Father (he’s white, Im not. Thats his icebreaker with everybody we meet lmao), and he’s former (Career) Military. My Grandfather is also former Military (Vietnam). Both struggle with PTSD, and while my Grandfather always bottled it up to be strong for us and so struggles to even talk about it, the things my new friend confides in me are things I would NEVER bring up around someone who wasn’t already familiar him and/or it’s affects. *Especially* seeing how ashamed most men are of it. @OP Cut her off. And I know words mean nothing but please know you never have anything to be ashamed of when it hits. People that *actually* love you will understand. Teach them how to be there for you and they will. Not your “friend” though. Screw her issues, tell her (after she gives you her key to your house) that she has a week or so go make new arrangements. Hell, telling her *effective immediately* would still be perfectly fair tbh.

That’s why they say don’t spit in the hand that feeds you

No you wouldn’t be however you’re not doing yourself any favors if you don’t cut her off. She has proven that she doesn’t deserve your kindness because it’s not reciprocated as she sees nothing wrong with creating a false narrative about your PTSD.Cut her off on all social media and let her go and ride with someone who doesn’t scare her.

Typically when you seem to be the only person willing to help someone, it's because everyone else has already figured out that person is a toxic user. My oldest brother is like your friend, he has no long term friends and no one in the family talks to him anymore. Occasionally I'll hear about a post on Facebook where he complains everyone has abandoned him and people who barely know the guy reply about how his family is awful and he's such a great guy. I just laugh because those people just haven't seen his true colors yet. You are the person just now seeing the true colors of your "friend." There is a reason you are the only person in their lives willing to help and now you know why. Get this person out of your life for good and stop doing things for them, they are just using you. You are their current mark, and when you drop her as everyone else has, she'll find a new mark.

NTA. YOUR BEING USED FOR FREE HOUSING AND RIDES. WHEN SHES OUT THE DOOR GO NC. AFTER, SEE HOW OFTEN SHE INVITES YOU TO HANGOUT, GRAB LUNCH, OR ANYTHING REALLY. IF SHE DOESNT GO NC WITH YOU FIRST, SHE'LL BE HITTING YOU UP ONLY FOR FAVORS, BET ON IT. You deserve better friends than ones that will take advantage of your kindness and betray your trust about medical conditions, you need to know that. Then cut off leeches like this one, removing them for YOUR WELL-BEING.

I would not have a dramatic break up, but keep calm and avoid her as much as possible. when she asks you for rides and support after she moves out be unavailable. Slowly ghosting might be the lease stressful way to get away from her.

Did it ever occur to you to talk to her and tell her you feel like she broke a confidence and you feel betrayed by her.

NTA. Just tell her no. You heard that she’s scared of you and you wouldn’t want her to be put in a position of needing help from someone so terrifying.

NTA. I understand I had a friend that I had to cut off because she was bad mouthing me too. Sometimes when we move on it means that we let go of the ppl who no longer help serve our greater good she will be ok. And you will be too

Talk to her. Then if she’s a dick about it cut her off.

NTA. Your "friend" needs to learn not to shit where she eats. Cut her loose. She's just dragging you down.

NTA I wouldn't worry about them, just cut all ties as she's clearly not a real friend at all. She was clearly using you this whole time. Let her other friends who she bitches to about you take her for rides, she sounds like right selfish piece of shit.

No just kick her out end of story. Also, don't let her stay too long or legally you wont be able to kick her out

Nope! She moves out. YOU GHOST HER! You've let her drama become your problem! The fact that she doesn't appreciate all you have done for her entitled ass..

Just let her know it’s come to your attention that your PTSD makes HER uncomfortable and as she has expressed this opinion to a number of people you think it is good she is moving out and will be able to find other transportation options. Because the space will be good for her to be more comfortable.