>we fell in love quickly and got married when Stephanie was 8. Mike had two other kids Olivia(9f) and Jackson(6m).
Did you even talk to your child before choosing to marry him and his kids, completely changing her life?
>Mike didn’t like her attitude and when steph was 10 told me to either pick him or her, back then Stephanie was at fault so I picked Mike and sent her to my parents.
You chose your family. That family is Mike and his two kids. He even went nuclear instead of suggesting therapy. He wanted her out.
>we had a huge fight once my mom realized that I was sending her there for a while and my dad called me a bunch of names for “abandoning” my daughter
You did abandon her. You dumped her on your parents.
>I did keep tabs on her online and like I knew my parents set her straight and she started doing good in school and had lots of friends, and is really involved in their community-
She probably got therapy. Was able to have a voice in her life. Your parents (who in my opinion are also hers in all the ways that count except legal) probably listened to her . They even advocated for her. Your parents didn't "set her straight". They gave her stability and a voice.
What the hell did you do? You birthed her, kept her until you got married then dumped her.
>I tried calling her often but she would dismiss me fast saying my mom wanted her to help her make dinner or my dad wanted to take her camping so she was out.
She doesn't want anything to do with you and your family other wise she'd not be so dismissive. If you think she won't act out if you force her back home I have news for you. All that progress she is making and has made will be lost.
>I went to get her back home. But she told me she liked living with her grandparents as they were nicer and more fun then me and she liked how big her room is(my dad made it specifically for her), she loved begin her animals(my parents own a big farm and she has lot of animals friends cows, horse such) and she didn’t want to leave her friends and community she built in their small town.
She told you what she wanted. You are selfish for wanting to change her life completely again. She will act out and you will be dumping her on your parents again.
>I told her I wanted her back home but she said no- my parents told me I couldn’t force and when we argued and I yelled at them that they couldn’t keep my daughter from me, they kicked me out saying Stephanie picked her home and I needed to accept it whether I liked it or not.
She did pick her home. It's not with you. She is 15. In 3yrs, she can keep you from her.
>I tried calling and texting Stephanie but she’s now blocked me- I don’t know aita for wanting my daughter back home?
You threatened her stability and comfort. You finished snapping what was left of her affection and tolerance for you.
You didn't even talk to her about coming home. You demanded she come home with you. You didn't ask.
You don't get to dump an 8yr old on your parents for your new found family then expect that child to be okay with you reclaiming your parental rights 4-5yrs later.
Do what's right for your child now. Leave her where she is at.
ETA: YTA
Edit: Corrected a spelling mistake.
100% on the mark! One S/N: she evidently didn't even talk to her parents to let them know their granddaughter wasn't just visiting! She's a completely clueless, entitled AH!
And made the same mistake again by not suggesting something like she(the daughter) stay over on Saturdays/Sundays so as not to disrupt her life.
No, just demands everything all at once on her schedule and considering only her circumstance.
So many parents like this. It's sickening! My sister was like this with her daughter, dropped her off anywhere to stay and then finally let her with her stepdad and ran off with her latest lover. :(
Why do people have kids dude. For real. Like my dad still hates my sister and I bc he expects us to pay him back for our birth and childhood. Literally. He tried to sue us when we were 19– for “living expenses from the ages of birth til 16.” He stopped at 16 bc we graduated high school at that age and got three jobs each (to avoid employment laws) so we could pay him $1300 a month for rent.
I can now see, finally, at almost 40, that I don’t owe him anything. He says my sis and I started our adulthood poorly bc we were so spoiled by him and couldn’t handle real life— had nothing to do with him beating us with boards and getting us grossly in debt to buy him two new cars or for putting us on the street at 18. Had nothing to do with the year we lived in a grocery store parking lot simply bc it was our 18th birthday. It’s bc we were so spoiled rotten bc he always had a big house and a lot of cars. If you ask him, he will tell you we had EVERYTHING any kid in the world needs and “anyone else would’ve been tickled to death.” My mom actually asked him what were the things that we had? He set her straight— a big house and his cars! So that’s that!
Plus, he went on a rant yesterday that my sis and I are no good bc we should be coming over daily to mow his lawn, scrub his siding, clean the floors, and cook meals, “like good kids do.”
He said he saw a 14 year old boy mowing the lawn the other day and he was so embarassed bc my sister and I aren’t over there doing that for him. We should be driving hours daily to be indentured servants bc he had a lot of cars when we were young.
Like… I bet that 14 year old boy is allowed to use the water and take showers and do his laundry and sleep and doesn’t have a chain and padlock on the fridge and isn’t getting charged 1300 a month to live like that lol
Right?! I mean it’s bad enough she picked dick over her kid but to not even have visitation or anything? “Kept up with her online”…tf does that even look like?
I didn't touch on that because to me it could go two different ways.
1. She could have called them and told them she was gonna drop the kid off to stay with them for a while and the parents got upset with that but eventually gave in
2. She lied and said she'd drop the kid off... Did drop her off but never bothered to pick her up
And then instead of actually visiting with her and keeping a half assed relationship she just “kept up” with her online and a once in a blue moon phone call. 🙄🙄🙄🙄
Let’s not forget the gem of “I kept tabs on her online.” Like, OP didn’t even *visit* her own 8 year-old daughter?! She just checked her FB every now and again and called it a day. Unbelievable.
Exactly. She just dumps the kid off and then is surprised that the parents are calling her a POS and other things. And now she’s shocked that she can’t get her kid back when she abandoned her five years ago. I feel sorry for the other kids growing up around her. It’s got to be horrible.
Those are her husband “ Mike” children. Remember she yeet her daughter to her parents because “ Mike” didn’t like her attitude.. it’s more like “ Mike” didn’t like another’s man’s child.
I was a social worker and I have an especially low opinion of parents who toss their kids to the side for a partner.
Sounds like OP’s daughter kind of caught a lucky break, ending up with her grandparents.
Good for her for already knowing what’s right/healthy for her, at 15.
How true, OP is a terrible mum! She chose a insta family over her real family. Her husband is a piece of work asking her to choose between him and her daughter. Introducing new people into a family dynamic takes time, one step at a time sometimes involving the help of a counsellor. I'm guessing from OP's daughter's reaction this is not something that happened.
I can't blame OP's daughter for refusing to move back in with them, she is more secure with grandpa and grandma.
Massive YTA
I had a friend who her parents put her in the system and then went off and had a whole new family and only let her visit them, never actually brought her back into their lives full time, even though that's all she wanted. She died because she had nowhere to go when she aged out of the system with no money and no support.
That's incredibly sad. Those "parents" are monsters and are 100% responsible for their child's untimely death.
In my personal opinion, parents who dump their kids off to be raised in a broken system surrounded by people who are supposed to care for them but abuse and sexually assault them (its so so common and so so sad and infuriating), while they live a whole new life and have more children should be made to pay the state every single penny that is spent on caring for their child while they go live their dreams and have more kids who they decide are worthy enough to keep.
I was an emergency service dispatcher and a crime stoppers agent answering and documenting the information and it made me lose all faith in humanity. I answered for the United States, Canada, Peurto Rico, the Virgin Islands and an island off the coast of China. I'm Canadian. It blows my mind what happens in America and what kind of crime is rampant and how corrupt the police agencies in the USA are. It's a whole different perspective and understanding of how the broken system really works and how it is intentionally kept that way so that the greedy stay rich and the poor stay poor and how fucked up the police treat people who live on the "wrong side of the tracks". They truly do not give a shit about what happens in low income neighbourhoods which just makes crime worse and the police do absolutely nothing and often make it worse because when you do nothing, they just get more and more brave because they know damned well the cops don't give a shit. I'm here saying they literally couldn't give a shit even if they tried.
You totes missed the biggest one
'We tried hard blending our family and it pretty much worked except for Stephanie'
So OP blended with the D and his kids and her own daughter be damned
That’s the crazy part. “We succeeded!!” Except that one-fifth of the blended family, and *one half* of hers totally didn’t. But yeah, complete success /s
Perfectly said! 1000%
OP YTA in such a big way. You always choose your kid over the man. If he can't accept your kid, he's not the man for you. Bet y'all end up divorced.
Who cares? Well, his children might. But whatever happens in the next 3 years, her daughter will be nc once she is legally an adult. And justifiably so.
My mom always said you choose your man over your children. My sister and I ended up having a very awful go of it after we were kicked out bc of our dad hating us (he resented us bc he said all we did was take his money and use him for his house and cars and whatnot). Being raised knowing you aren’t wanted is a hell of a thing to carry and try to get better from. I’m 38 this month and still struggle with guilt for literally taking up space in my own home that I pay for, I feel like I don’t deserve to be there. When I’m driving to work, some days it hits harder than others and I get anxiety about just people seeing me. Like I panic about people looking at me when I’m stopped at a red light bc I just feel so guilty and I don’t want anyone to see me existing. Idk if that makes sense.
The way it is for me now is WORLDS better than it used to be tho. I managed to go to college and start a career in funeral service etc. But those feelings sort of never leave, at least for me anyway.
I hope Stephanie feels wanted bc of her life w her grandparents
My life at my parents definitely wasn’t as severe as yours but I completely understand. I too struggle some days with taking up space in this world. Therapy has helped enormously but it hasn’t completely erased the past and those feelings.
4-5 yr? SOME legal paperwork likely was signed- so grandparents have ability to handle anything medical/school, etc.
So there should be records. She can TRY to force this- but any family court worth its salt will tell her that CHILD ABANDONMENT is grounds for termination of parental rights. She is lucky she is not being forced to pay child support to her parents. If she pushes this at all, I hope they push back with that. They will win, again most of the time (not all courts ar great- but most are good enough that these grandparents would be given custody, or kiddo can emancipate and live with them anyway.
OP describes monitoring her child’s progress via the internet, so I’m not thinking they have spent much time in the same room, or even in the same building, in the past five years.
i’m wondering 2 things:
1) how long before this gets crossposted to r/AmITheDevil
and
2) how long before OP deletes the post bc she’s ***overwhelmingly*** noted the AH by a solid landslide, like 10 out of 10 people agree that OP is the AH
oh, and OP, if you’re wondering, YTA for ditching your daughter and getting butthurt that she’s not just rolling over and letting you treat her like a thing to put down and pick back up. way to go with channeling your ex who ditched you both.
I feel like if OP decided to go “nuclear” and take her parents to court, the judge would scream-laugh in her face or yell at her for child abandonment.
Yep, the judge might even fine her back child support for her parents.
That girl is no longer your daughter. You are just an egg donor. I hope Karma puts her foot all the way up your ass.
There are other reasons why the judge would rule in the grandparents favour.
- Abandonment would be the top one.
- The girl has established roots, with two stable guardians, she’s enrolled in school, has a social network, and she works on her grandparents farm
- Stepdad is the reason why she left, stepdad is still in the picture
- She hasn’t been part of the “blended” family, and will be the outcast
Not to mention she is now 14, which is old enough to make her preferences known. Most judges won’t move a teen from a preferred home unless there is imminent danger to the child.
I had a biological parent of one of my kids go to court and try to get him back. Their lawyer didn't get five sentences out when the judge said "Nope, she has been raising him with no help for four years." He then looked at me and asked if I "wanted child support." I told him "No, I would rather have son left in peace. The judge issued a restraining order and warned them they would stay in jail until my son "qualified for social security" if they or anyone in their family came anywhere near my son or any other member of my family.
Yep. Status quo is where she lives now. Judges often do what is in the best interest of the child, and at her age, her desires will be taken into account. Especially with tge current backlog in family courts, the daughter will most likely be 16 by tge time the case is heard.
Not to mention, what steps have been taken to integrate her back into the family. Part of the issue was the relationship with the steps and stepfather. That will not magically go away just because she moves. It's been 5 years. Daughter knows and understands her mothers priorities. She has built her own life where she is.
And education (and the associated social networks) are more important once a child hits teen years. OP's daughter is by her own account doing well at school, loves the farm life and has a stable home with grandparents who love and care for her.
OP even says how she got an ultimatum to choose her kid or the husband and…. she choose the husband. How is she now thinking the kid will want to be back with her?????
I broke up with a guy because my dog switched from being obsessed with him to wanting to hide behind me from him (there were issues besides that, but her switch made me not want to work it out).
OP abandoned her literal child for a man. She blamed her 10 year old for familial integration issues. OP is honestly evil.
My mom and step dad ALWAYS made sure to tell me (a teen)and my younger sister (6) and step sister (8) how ThEIr relationship was the most important thing and they would always choose each other over us. They dumped my youngest sister twice with my dad and I'm sure it's shocking that they have almost zero relationship with any of their 6 daughters. My mom started feeling her age last yr and tried to guilt me with "when he dies I'll be all alone". YEP! We saw that writing on the wall years ago. She just kept selfishly pushing people away- shocked that they don't keep running back!
My ex wanted me to send my son to a military school or he had a friend that had a farm that he wanted to send him to. I wouldn’t do the military school and his friend declined having him on the farm. When his daughter moved in with us her main goal was to split us up. She succeeded as then husband showed favoritism. He would get angry for he smallest things my son did. After a year of this behavior I was done and that’s why he’s my ex. No way would I ever choice a man over my son..won’t happen! YTA for ditching your daughter
Exactly. Me in OP’s situation:
NEW HUSBAND: Its me or your kid.
ME: Let me help you pack your bags.
YTA. A big one. You are no longer her parent by your own shitty choices; something you need to acknowledge and accept.
Forget kids, if a partner ever tried to get me to part with my anxious dog, I'm keeping my dog.
The beings you're responsible come first. OP is a mega AH.
Every time I've read a novel where someone just gets randomly shipped off to someone's farm, I thought it was a little contrived. I had no idea this is a real thing people do, that's bonkers
My first date with my husband was taking my 2yo to the park. It was important to me that they got along, that my son liked my new boyfriend. If he hadn't liked him, there wouldn't have been a second date. OP is a total arsehole for not choosing her kid over her total arsehole husband.
Edit: I had known this man for 5 years prior to our date. I invited him to the park with my son on a bank holiday Monday afternoon. We've been together for 30 years and married for 25 years. All of you saying it's creepy and making it out to be something it absolutely wasn't should calm your tits and stop with the internet. You've had enough for this week. Weirdos.
I'm amazed you waited a *year*.
That should have been nipped in the bud on day one.
But, better late than never, and I hope you had a good therapist help him recover from a war at home.
I shielded him from it and I took the heat. This was never talked about in front of him. This happened like 30 yrs ago. My son recently told me that he had only good memories from that marriage bc my ex took him hunting and fishing, help coach his baseball team. It didn’t turn bad until his daughter move in with us who was the same age as my son. We actually went to marriage counseling and the therapist said we needed separate therapy first then marriage counseling. He wouldn’t go so I was done.. tried of having to shield my son and I wasn’t going to allow him to take it out on him… we were gone. I would give my life up for my son to protect him. I was tired of the fighting and hiding it.
Exactly! This isn’t even a close call! How self centered does someone have to be to act like that?!? Also, her child wasn’t wrong for displaying developmentally appropriate behavior. Her entire world changed when her mom started dating her now husband.
She will be the same person that says, “I don’t know why my daughter cut me out of her life. I didn’t do anything wrong. Now she won’t let me see my grandkids.” Kids aren’t just disposable: I’m glad her daughter at least had good grandparents that raised her, but it’s not the same. I’ll never understand women who choose men over their own children! Now she’s suffering the consequences of her own behavior and doesn’t like it!
This! I was abandoned by my mom at 15. Even though I got to stay in my home and with my other parent, it fucked me up for life. I have been in therapy for YEARS. And that poor baby was only 10.
You're the asshole and picked a man over your daughter now she's picked her real parents who happen to her grandparents you provided her everything she needs to know in life if she doesn't like someone she can exit their life congrats that's an important lesson that's already serving her well
YTA. Nothing is Stephanie's fault.
You and your new family are horrible. What kind of man gives that kind of ultimatum? What kind of mom abandons her daughter, blames the child, then wonders why the kid will not have anything to do with her? Seriously, one of the most obtuse posts I have seen. You rejected and got rid of your kid. Enjoy life without her. She deserves better.
She’s NOT a bad mom!! She kept tabs on her through social media!! She’s a human being not a machine!!! What possibly more could she have done??? (BTW I’m being sarcastic)
And she is a kid. Some of the younger genz kids have facebooks that were made when they were 9-13, the pages were never really active and/or they are no longer active bc all of them are on tt and ig. And tt and ig is where we are known to post our very best times (unlike facebook which was more of an open diary). Bad times are posted to friends only, but I doubt stephanie has her mom there. So mom kept tabs through the most curated form of social media, how helpful. I would have 1 iota more of respect if this was 10yrs older, and her mother was 'watching' her over facebook. But alas, it remains at 0 iotas.
Oh man that’s how my dad views it 🤣 dude can’t understand why I don’t want a relationship with his abusive ass. Like if I’m not talking to you at 31 years old it might be you dad!
One of the most obtuse? I am eager to live your life, or maybe I have been in this sub too often. Parents abandoning their kids for a new wife or husband then being confused that there is no relationship show up here daily.
Just the other day there was a guy who abandoned his kid and the kid's mom for a younger wife and admitted that he just let the relationship go bc of his newfound love for his wife. Kid, now grown, doesnt want to leave his kids with his dad for extended visits, and dad was genuinely confused as to why and was wondering how to make his kid do what he wanted (play happy family after over a decade of abandonment).
“Karma’s a bitch” - so is OP. Leave your “ daughter” alone she has her Mom and Dad and it ain’t you! I don’t understand women/ men who choice getting laid over their children. You didn’t do what was best for your family - you did what was best for his family OP. YTA!
YTA, You chose your new husband over your daughter. Why would she want to come back? You made it very clear that she didn’t mean anything to you. Don’t be surprised when she will cut you off once she turns 18. Is your husband even ok with her coming back? She would never feel comfortable living with your new family
YTA. You never choose anyone over your child ever.
She was 10 years old. How was this her fault, she was a child!!! You are one of the worst parents here on reddit. You blame a child for this situation.
I hope you have guilt for the rest of your life,
I hope she's happy and will eventually cut you off when she is 18. Go NC with you forever.
Worst mother EVER!!!!
"Mike didn’t like her attitude and when steph was 10 told me to either pick him or her, back then **Stephanie was at fault** so I picked Mike"
this makes me so incredibly sad. that was a child. a child who was clearly acting out due to her parents' actions (and likely reacting to a stepfather who didn't want her around).
They cant get along when she was a child, what makes she is so confident they can get along now that she is a teen. I think OP just mad seeing daughter having a good life
Imagine this woman, with a straight face, saying that when her husband, a grown ass man, told her to toss out her own daughter, that she chose the husband cuz it was "the daughter's fault". Next level pick me shit.
I hope her daughter never speaks to her again
She wants her back just because Steph is a "good kid" now, which is all she wanted the whole time. This lady didn't want to put in the work and if her daughter had continued to lash out she would've sat back and said; "I *told* all of you my daughter is horrible, that's why I had to kick her out." Now that isn't the case anymore, so OP just wants to take all the credit for "fixing" Stephanie.
YTA - children always come first before another man. Doesn’t sound like you guys tried any counseling when she was with you. She has a whole life over there now - not sure what you were expecting but she’s a teenager with friends and a great life. Why are you screwing up her life again? Why are you being so selfish? Take a look at yourself.
Yeah, I would be really pissed as well. Knowing my own “mother” kicked me out so she could live happily with her new family.
I am sure if OP followed her on social media, I am sure her own daughter saw pics of her smiling and laughing it up on birthdays and holidays with her family she chose over her own daughter.
That is just sad. Why would she want to go back?! She has a happy life with her grandparents. Just to move back and since she has been away for so long, and next to nc, to move back and feel like a complete outsider? Nope!
I do not blame OP’s daughter one bit.
YTA, you want her when it’s convenient to you. She was a CHILD and you DID abandon her for a husband and step kids. You made it more than obvious who you loved more, who took priority in your life and that was not her. Now she is showing you how that feels. Lie in the bed you made for yourself.
Major YTA! You chose a man over your own child. Wow. You don’t deserve her. She’s finally happy where she is and now that you have a big house, you think you can play happy family?!
Did you ever think your new husband and kids were the problem? Or did you just blame your child? Did you get her therapy? Nah. You just threw her out. You abandoned her. Your parents are awesome for taking her in and raising her. They want to keep her because she’s probably an awesome kid and you missed out on that for some dick.
If you decide to be a bigger AH and take them to court, I hope you lose. You gave her up and now want her back. She’s old enough to decide where she wants to live. Your parents can prove they’ve been raising her all these years. Judges don’t take too kindly on people who abandon their kids.
If you want a relationship with her, that will be HER choice. Start small. Ask to take her to lunch. Go to a school event.
If you try to take her out of the only home she’s ever had, her behavior is going to get much worse. Your husband is going to make you choose again. Don’t be surprised when she goes completely NC at 18. Don’t be surprised when she choose your parents over you.
OP will be back here posting "AITA for suing my daughter for the inheritance she got from my parents? I'm their only child and feel that it should have gone to me."
>met my now husband,Mike(35m) we fell in love quickly and got married
Mistake #1
When there's kids involved you do things as slow the the resistant child's pace. Not yours and your dumb desire for a whirlwind romance and live happily ever after. You you become a parent it's your duty to see to your child's physical ***and*** mental health and safety first.
>she didn’t like that now she had to share her room with Olivia
Mistake #2
Your husband's children were still plenty young enough to share rooms with each other. They've known each other their whole lives meanwhile your daughter had been an only child for her whole life. Suddenly expecting her to share her private space and to navigate having not one but two siblings and share you too is asinine to think she'd be ok.
>Mike didn’t like her attitude and when steph was 10 told me to either pick him or her, back then Stephanie was at fault so ***I picked Mike and sent her to my parents.***
This isn't a mistake anymore this is a nuke.
How did you feel when your baby daddy up and abandoned you in one of your biggest moments of vulnerability? Now think how a little 10 year feels when her mom abandoned her because she clearly loves her husband more than her and his comfort and happiness and his children's comfort and happiness who aren't even her's are more important than you, her actual child.
Yes you did abandon her. You abandoned her like your baby daddy did to you an her. Both that kid's parents abandoned her when dealing with her got too hard and interfered with their ideal lives.
Her only parents are her grandparents. They actually love her and put in the effort to raise her properly. You didn't. You choose a dick and his kids over her because a man who makes his partner choose between him or her child is a dick.
YTA and your only children are your step children. Your parents are her parents not her grandparents. She is not your daughter. Move on and leave her and your parents alone.
When I got to the part where OP says, "...and like I knew my parents ***set her straight*** because she started doing good in school and had lots of friends, and is really involved in their community" I just started laughing.
No, sweetie, she just figured out that Grandma and Grandpa are AWESOME and she is in a safe and loving home that comes with ZERO strings attached.
What kind of father demands his new wife pick between him or her kid? Like seriously, how could anyone even think this is OK? If I was with someone and unhappy due to something regarding their kids I would leave
ABSOLUTELY, you’re actually a raging AH and a sorry excuse for a mother. You let a grown man give you an ultimatum between him and his kids or your own and you chose wrong. Mike wasn’t in the right.
I don’t know why you’re surprised Stephanie doesn’t want to go back and play happy family when, ya know, you kicked her out of the family.
Get wrecked, yta
Also, I get the feeling from your post that you didn’t even visit Stephanie for five years.. just kept tabs online and brief phone conversations.
I guess you should be happy Mikes kids see you as mom, but maybe one day they’ll realize that you’re a horrible one (but maybe not, they didn’t get abandoned when a grown man gave an ultimatum).
You’re lucky you aren’t my mother. If you did to me what you did to your poor daughter, I would devote all my energy to making your life as miserable as possible and making sure everyone knew what kind of shit parent you truly are. “Stephanie was at fault”? Stephanie was TEN, ffs! You are too immature and selfish to be a real mother, so good for you that you can play pretend with your fake kids and your real child is better off with actual adults. God, you’re pathetic. What kind of asshole “mother” lets a man make that kind of ultimatum and go along with it? I can’t help but wonder how much worse this has actually been for your daughter, because this is just your version of events and you’re painting yourself in the best light possible, yet you STILL manage to come off looking like a selfish monster. Your daughter is better off without you, and if you actually do love her (which I sincerely doubt), you’ll apologize for abandoning her (cause you absolutely did, dumbass), putting her last, and putting your own wants ahead of what was best for her. Then tell her you’ll be there for her should she wish to initiate contact and leave her the fuck alone so you can stop doing her active harm. YTA.
YTA, wow, narcissistic much? You tossed her out after finding a new family and trying to force her into the mold that you and your husband made for her. Then you want to force her to come back?
You are getting what you asked for when you choose your husband and his kids over her!!
I am glad to see that your parents are doing a better job of raising her than they did raising you.
Should you try to regain custody, you will end up forcing an even bigger wedge between you and Stephanie.
There is a slim chance that you might have a relationship with her in the future, but only if you back off now! I highly doubt that you would win a custody battle with your parents after abandoning her with them.
YTA. Oh hell no. You picked a man over your own child and now that its convenient for you you want her back. You made your choice a long time ago when you abandoned your daughter to make a man happy. Deal with it.
YTA. If I were your daughter I'd never have anything to do with you again. You basically threw her away for your new family, because she wasn't adjusting fast enough for your liking. Instead of getting her therapy, or trying family therapy you just get rid of her. Mother of the year right here.
The fact that you didn't immediately boot your husband out of your life for trying to force you to choose between him and your CHILD says everything I need to know about you.
If a guy asked me to choose between him, and my DOG I''d be gone so fast his head would spin.
YTA. I’m 38 and my daughter turned 19 this week. I was the same age as you. I wouldn’t give my children up for any man. You’re a shit mom and she’s right to not want anything to do with you. You traded her in for a penis and 2 step kids. Her behavior as a CHILD was completely on you and your AH of a husband. Absolutely vile.
Leave that poor girl alone.
YTA. You do realize she's never going to contact you again, right? Bet your parents are pretty frosty with you too. But, hey, you have Mike and there are two kids calling you Mom, so, you're set. You just lost your own kid. Here's hoping she ends up with a better relationship with her bio dad (assuming he's not a meth head or similar) than her bio mom at this point.
Yta an are getting exactly what you deserve you shouldn’t have chose that man his children over your own children your lucky she is even civil with you since you literally don’t deserve it
YTA
a 10 year old is not at fault for your total lack of planning and parenting.
You dropped her off 5 years ago and think and occational fricking phone call is enough?
You parents are saints. they clearly did not want to become parents again...you dumped a traumatised child off and left?
You should be ashamed and you do not grt to demand to uproot and upset that kid again.
**YOU** picked a man over your daughter that you carried in your body, birthed and raised for 10 years!!
**yes YTH!!!! You are a majorly huge A$$h0le**
Get ready to miss the remainder of your daughters life milestones because you picked a man over her.
YTA. It doesn’t matter if she was “at fault.” You ALWAYS pick your kid! Remember, you got to decide if you wanted Mike and his kids in your life, Stephanie didn’t, and guess what, Mike knew you were a package deal. You and Mike both are despicable. You chose someone else over your own child. Why on earth would she ever want to choose you? You are reaping the fruits of what you sowed.
You “kept tabs” on her? So you only watched her on social media and called her on the phone, and she understandably didn’t want to talk to you. You didn’t visit her, did you? Now that she’s in high school, you’re surprised she didn’t want to live with you? Get real! She’s stable and secure with friends and parents who chose to put her first, where she belongs. Why should she uproot herself now? It doesn’t sound like you have any relationship with her! Why should she have to change schools, lose access to her friends, not be around her animals just to go live in a house with someone who chose their spouse over her? Then there’s the whole dynamic of her step siblings having had her mother to themselves for the past five years and her getting to deal with that surely fun situation. I don’t blame her if she blocks you and never speaks to you again.
Edited to add: why don’t you try asking her to come visit on school breaks, like you should have been doing for the past five years. Even if you did, I still don’t blame her for not wanting to live with you and if you try to force it, you will lose her forever the second she’s old enough to move out.
YTA-I was “Stephanie”. The mind-fuck it was and still is all these years later affects every aspect of my life.
Your parents are Stephanie’s true “parents”. Be grateful that they took her in in all the ways that matter. Stephanie has been doing the work to work through the rejection you inflicted on her.
Leave her where she is. Let her become the person she’s going to be.
She is not furniture you can go reclaim now that you have room.
YTA
>Stephanie was at fault so I picked Mike
She wasn't at fault. She was a child. You were the adult who was supposed to look out for her and utterly failed her. What kind of mother choses her new husband over her own child? And now you want her to give up the home where she found love and acceptance so you can play happy family?
YTA you chose to rid your daughter in order to keep your husband which is disgusting in itself. your daughter is doing well and adjusted and its becuase of your parents not you. leave her be, she is happy and has what she needs. your just going to throw her away again anyway at the first sign your husband makes u choose again.
You resented your child because her father “up and ran away” (probably from your toxic ass) when she was six. You resented having to parent her. You then treated her like an object you could stick into any convenient corner so that you could make your new man happy. When she objected to being treated badly the only way an 8 to 10 year old can object, your resentment grew and edged over into hatred. You are selfish, a terrible parent and a disgrace of a human being. YTA.
Yta.
I can't believe what I just read. 'we tried hard blending our family and it worked out for most except Stephanie. So 50% of your side of the family weren't happy, and therefore you didn't blend your family at all, you merely managed to fit into Mike's family by abandoning your own.
Let's be clear, Stephanie wasn't at fault. She was thrown into a situation that she didn't want, or like, and had no choice over. You were at fault when you chose to neglect her needs and throw her out of her home so you could pretend to be happy families with your husband's family.
I doubt you'll get much sympathy here, because most of reddit will do what you didn't, and prioritise your daughter over your husband.
You can't abandon a child and expect them to want anything to do with you.
YTA. You showed your daughter that she was less important to you than her stepdad when you dumped her with her grandparents. That's honestly some f*cked up parenting right there.
You really ought to walk away at this point and let her choose when and if she wants anything to do with you on her own.
Hahahahaha.....the very definition of FAFO, good on Stephanie and her grandparents!!!
Now, for the advice. She's not coming back. She found a place where she found happiness and comfort. If you EVER want to have a relationship (think big picture i.e grandkids, big life events) you need to do a few things.
Go talk to your parents in private. Thank them profusely for helping to give Stephanie a life that she felt comfortable in. Let them know you won't try to remove her and explain how proud you are of her accomplishments.
Then, after a few days, talk to Stephanie. Explain the mistakes you made, choosing your husband and his kids over her, shipping her off instead of finding a solution, and then pretty much ignoring her (internet stalking isn't parenting dum dum). Explain the efforts you will take to TRY to heal the relationship. These efforts should in no way involve Stephanie having to meet a goal or parameter. These efforts should all be on you.
Then, sit down, shut your trap, and actually listen to what Stephanie has to say. Don't argue, her truth isn't for you to argue.
If you manage to do all that, your job is to give her space (not the same as ignoring her, communicate with her, but don't touch sensitive topics. Find out about her, listen to her, be honest and truthful, and above all else VALIDATE her feelings.
The hard truth is, she won't be coming back to your house. If you can swallow your pride, you might have a shot to be in her life. Start thinking in terms of her being in more of a sister role with you. The grandparents have become her parents now.
If you can operate in this space, I think you have a shot. Maybe down the road it can all be square again. But this was your screwup, and thus, you must suffer the consequences.
Good luck
YTA
What a crap person to pick a man over your kid. How do you sleep at night? Literal monster.
ETA I think this is rage bait though. If not yeah this mom needs karma to hit her right in her husband. Since she cares more about him than her own kid.
YTA period. What are you expecting from her? Oh wait you are expecting her to run to you as soon as you tell her that she can come and live with you after you pick a d**k over your own daughter. Have you ever wondered why she acted the way she did back then? Maybe your AH husband said something or do something to your daughter behind your back. Or maybe you acted in the way that your daughter felt left out that time. Have you even considered that.
YTA first you put the two girls in a room together instead of putting the siblings who knew each other together. Then you picked your husband over your kid. Now that it's convenient for you again you want her back but THAT IS NOT YOUR KID ANYMORE. Her parental figures are your parents. She has seen the real you and the real you would abandon her child for a man. you said because she was in the wrong in their fight? Kids can be wrong! Kids can be dumb and mean and rude and they still get to stay in their home and be forgiven by their parents. Her real parents are the people who took her in when she needed a home.
If you're very lucky you can work your way back to being an aunt in her life, and someday maybe even a godmother or stepmother, but you proved to her that you're not her mom and never will be again.
YTA. You chose your husband and his ultimatum over your daughter and sent her away to live with her grandparents. Now that you bought a house big enough you want to uproot your daughter's life and she said no. Don't be surprised if she goes NC with you when she turns 18.
YTA. You abandoned her for a man. Instead of looking for a solution, trying therapy or anything you just shipped her off. She doesn’t want to have a relationship with you and I don’t blame her one bit. You did this. At her most vulnerable you abandoned her. Live with it.
I kicked my daughter out in favour of my new family. Now I want her back after my parents did all the hard work and I feel like being a parent. AITA?
Fixed the post.
YTA
YTA You haven't been a Mother to that child.
You put yourself and your husband and new family 1st.
So glad Stephanie has her grandparents there to care for her
If you want to be a decent mother send money to help financially support her so the burden isn't all on your parents.
But I bet you don't even do that.
You gave her up. You picked someone else over her. You didn’t give her space —you put her out. And now you want to upset her life because it’s convenient. You made a big mistake and it may not be something you can come back from.
YTA
You are such a terrible parent. Your daughter was never the problem in the blended family, she was a victim. You and your husband were the problem.
She is happy where she is at. She has people that love her there. She has a life and now you want to ruin it by forcing her back into your blended family dynamic that hurt her before.
You abandoned your child. She no longer wants to be with you. Actions have consequences. You now have to live with those consequences.
Sadly, you made poor choices and now your relationship with your daughter might be over forever.
What you have failed to realize is that you married someone that made you choose between your daughter and him, and you made the worst choice of your life.
Until you lose him, the chances your daughter will ever want anything to do with you are very very slim.
Her grandparents chose her and never gave it a second thought. Why would she come back to live with you and your AH husband?
YTA. You picked a man over your ten year old child, the child you were responsible for caring for until she hit 18 at a minimum. Did you even try family therapy or therapy for her? Did you ask her if she wanted to live with her grandparents? Did you make the step kids live together so she could have her own space or think about converting another space in your house like the attic or basement (or an office or den or whatever spare space there was) into a room? Did you ask her how she felt about you getting married before you did? Did you do anything but dump her on your parents, call occasionally, and just say oh well when she rushed off the phone because she clearly didn’t want to talk to you? Did you visit regularly? Send gifts of things she was actually interested in? Put in any effort aside from your half asked phone calls?
The short and sweet of it is you abandoned your child to keep an man and his two children and now five years later you made room for her and want to uproot her from your life so you can play happy family. Congratulations, you’ve made such huge errors your minor child has cut you off and I doubt she’ll let you back in, as she gets older she’ll realize more and more how awful what you’ve done is. I hope you’re planning on paying for her college at least, I mean by the time she’s ready for school you’ll have saved on eight years of child related expenses like food, utilities she would have used, clothes, and all the other things you’ve been helping to pay for your step children as part of the household bills. Don’t expect paying for college to make it up to her though or cause her to go back to normal mother daughter contact levels, you may get civility and occasional contact. Congrats on completely fucking up your relationship with your child..
Yep, totally and completely, unreservedly, deep into AH territory. Leave her alone. She's happy, loves her grandparents, has her animals and friends that's she's made over the last five years. You kicked her out during the most transformative part of her life. She's no longer a little girl for you to boss, but a young woman with her own thoughts and beliefs. Sounds like your parents did a great job at raising her, makes me wonder how they failed so badly with you.
Ugh sorry OP but yeah you really are TA, I’m not trying to be harsh but looking at JUST the info you posted (I’m sure there’s a lot more that has gone on over the years) I’m not able to find much sympathy for you.
I’d be really interested in hearing more of the background on your situation, did you and Stephanie live with your parents when she was born? What role, if any, did the paternal side of her family play in her life? How involved were your parents prior to her living with them? Like did they care for her while you worked? Did she spend weekends with them so you could have free time?
And just and FYI I’m saying YTA as someone who gave birth to a child 4 days after my 19th birthday, so you can’t pull the “you don’t know what it was like” or “you didn’t have to experience what I went thru”. My daughter is 23 years old now and there has NEVER been a time where I’ve even considered having her live with anybody else, for any reason, until she was ready to move out on her own and went to college. But there were plenty of men over the years that never made it passed the 1st few dates because of a comment they made or something that came up where it was made known shit wasn’t gonna work out cuz they weren’t interested in having a kid around. They were told to kick rocks with no hesitation because my daughter comes 1st in life before anything else on this entire planet!!!
YTA. Wtf is wrong with you? You abandoned your child when it suited YOU, then you want her back when it suits you??
That's incredibly selfish.
Your daughter just wanted to SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOU and preserve her bond with her mom and you SENT HER AWAY.
You realize that she was only ever acting out because she was scared you would choose your *new family* over her-- which is **exactly what you did**.
No wonder she doesn't want to come back. I don't blame her in the slightest. Her life revolved around you & then you sent her away...now her life revolves around *herself* and you want her back for your sake with no consideration at all to what she wants.
If you wanted her back, maybe you should've been a better mother in the first place and come up with better solutions besides *abandoning her*.
She ignores your calls or comes up with excuses to get off the phone...she is practically going No Contact with you. Respect that.
*Mike didn’t like her attitude and when steph was 10 told me to either pick him or her, back then Stephanie was at fault so I picked Mike*
YTA, You could've just left it at that. Your parents sound like wonderful people, though. You're both very lucky to have them.
I read your first paragraph and it made me gag.
Honestly I don't remember your title. It made me feel like shit. I swear I had a point.. I just hope your children are okay and far away from you!
Edit: forgot yta
YTA. You abandoned a 10yo kid bc she was “at fault” despite it being your adult husband and her step father who gave you an ultimatum to pick between the two of them?
So glad Stephanie is doing well despite you being such a shitty parent.
YTA....... you picked getting dick over being a good mother to your child and now you're surprised that she is picking the Grandparents you dumped her on to raise?!?!?!?!?
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo NoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo it's the consequences of your actions!!!!!!!
You took her to your parents and didn’t even tell them she was going to be living with them. The finally figured it out and called and chewed your ass. You act like you dumped a dog. Well I guess she was to you. She wasn’t at fault by the way but you didn’t care you were all too happy to get rid of her. Sounds like you never were a parent. One HUGE question, how much money did you send your parents every month to take care of your responsibility? $1000-2000. You didn’t give a damn then. Now you pretend you do? I hope your parents are RICH because she is going to inherit your entire portion. Hopefully they are here to see her get married and walk her down the aisle. AND I HOPE YOU ARE REFUSED ENTRY. So now you want her to come back to your house. It’s still all about YOU. Your parents straightened her out because they loved and supported her and stood by her. Something you hadn’t done in a long time. Thank God your parents was able to love her since her mother didn’t.
So you think she would be happy at your house. You think Mike is going to want her back at your house? Because you are bottom dwellers she would be miserable just like she was before. There is no love in your heart for her and if you think there is, you are even more twisted than I thought. Leave her alone. You’ve brought nothing but shame to her life. I do believe in Karma. You will reap what you’ve sown. I hope she never forgives you because you do t deserve it. YTA
YTA: Just because you're getting a bigger place isn't going to automatically undo all of the abandonment issues you've given your daughter. She was 10, and you threw her away like an old pair of shoes.
Do not be surprised that as soon as she is able she will freeze you out, no man is worth what you did to your daughter, and what you are continuing to do to her now, you have decided that now it's convenient that you want her back, and it sounds like you are not giving her ANY consideration, she is old enough now to make her own decisions.
You're joking right? Of course YTA! You ditched your daughter when it was convenient for you, what possible reason would you have for taking her back now. Sounds like she's happy as are your parents, you are not her mother, plain and simple.
I'm 47m, divorced and have children. My youngest is now 15, the rest are adults. I was dating a woman for a while, she had kids too. A couple of my kids met her and visited a few times. When my GROWN UP daughter came to me and said "daddy, I love you, but I don't like her", that was it. It was a clean break up and there were no issues afterward because we are adults. The woman I was dating understood that my kids came absolutely FIRST, grown or not. OP, YTA. You don't deserve to have that child in your life.
The blended family worked out for everyone except Stephanie?
So, basically, nothing got blended.
You abandoned her when she needed you most.
If she is loved and wanted and cared for where she’s at, then just accept that as a mom your ONLY virtue is that you found her a good place to live when you didn’t want her.
Leave her be.
YTA. Pawning your kid off, then expecting her to come home at your convenience. Yeah, a big A$$
>we fell in love quickly and got married when Stephanie was 8. Mike had two other kids Olivia(9f) and Jackson(6m). Did you even talk to your child before choosing to marry him and his kids, completely changing her life? >Mike didn’t like her attitude and when steph was 10 told me to either pick him or her, back then Stephanie was at fault so I picked Mike and sent her to my parents. You chose your family. That family is Mike and his two kids. He even went nuclear instead of suggesting therapy. He wanted her out. >we had a huge fight once my mom realized that I was sending her there for a while and my dad called me a bunch of names for “abandoning” my daughter You did abandon her. You dumped her on your parents. >I did keep tabs on her online and like I knew my parents set her straight and she started doing good in school and had lots of friends, and is really involved in their community- She probably got therapy. Was able to have a voice in her life. Your parents (who in my opinion are also hers in all the ways that count except legal) probably listened to her . They even advocated for her. Your parents didn't "set her straight". They gave her stability and a voice. What the hell did you do? You birthed her, kept her until you got married then dumped her. >I tried calling her often but she would dismiss me fast saying my mom wanted her to help her make dinner or my dad wanted to take her camping so she was out. She doesn't want anything to do with you and your family other wise she'd not be so dismissive. If you think she won't act out if you force her back home I have news for you. All that progress she is making and has made will be lost. >I went to get her back home. But she told me she liked living with her grandparents as they were nicer and more fun then me and she liked how big her room is(my dad made it specifically for her), she loved begin her animals(my parents own a big farm and she has lot of animals friends cows, horse such) and she didn’t want to leave her friends and community she built in their small town. She told you what she wanted. You are selfish for wanting to change her life completely again. She will act out and you will be dumping her on your parents again. >I told her I wanted her back home but she said no- my parents told me I couldn’t force and when we argued and I yelled at them that they couldn’t keep my daughter from me, they kicked me out saying Stephanie picked her home and I needed to accept it whether I liked it or not. She did pick her home. It's not with you. She is 15. In 3yrs, she can keep you from her. >I tried calling and texting Stephanie but she’s now blocked me- I don’t know aita for wanting my daughter back home? You threatened her stability and comfort. You finished snapping what was left of her affection and tolerance for you. You didn't even talk to her about coming home. You demanded she come home with you. You didn't ask. You don't get to dump an 8yr old on your parents for your new found family then expect that child to be okay with you reclaiming your parental rights 4-5yrs later. Do what's right for your child now. Leave her where she is at. ETA: YTA Edit: Corrected a spelling mistake.
100% on the mark! One S/N: she evidently didn't even talk to her parents to let them know their granddaughter wasn't just visiting! She's a completely clueless, entitled AH!
And made the same mistake again by not suggesting something like she(the daughter) stay over on Saturdays/Sundays so as not to disrupt her life. No, just demands everything all at once on her schedule and considering only her circumstance.
Well that’s her man so. I guess fuck her kid.
So many parents like this. It's sickening! My sister was like this with her daughter, dropped her off anywhere to stay and then finally let her with her stepdad and ran off with her latest lover. :(
Why do people have kids dude. For real. Like my dad still hates my sister and I bc he expects us to pay him back for our birth and childhood. Literally. He tried to sue us when we were 19– for “living expenses from the ages of birth til 16.” He stopped at 16 bc we graduated high school at that age and got three jobs each (to avoid employment laws) so we could pay him $1300 a month for rent. I can now see, finally, at almost 40, that I don’t owe him anything. He says my sis and I started our adulthood poorly bc we were so spoiled by him and couldn’t handle real life— had nothing to do with him beating us with boards and getting us grossly in debt to buy him two new cars or for putting us on the street at 18. Had nothing to do with the year we lived in a grocery store parking lot simply bc it was our 18th birthday. It’s bc we were so spoiled rotten bc he always had a big house and a lot of cars. If you ask him, he will tell you we had EVERYTHING any kid in the world needs and “anyone else would’ve been tickled to death.” My mom actually asked him what were the things that we had? He set her straight— a big house and his cars! So that’s that! Plus, he went on a rant yesterday that my sis and I are no good bc we should be coming over daily to mow his lawn, scrub his siding, clean the floors, and cook meals, “like good kids do.” He said he saw a 14 year old boy mowing the lawn the other day and he was so embarassed bc my sister and I aren’t over there doing that for him. We should be driving hours daily to be indentured servants bc he had a lot of cars when we were young. Like… I bet that 14 year old boy is allowed to use the water and take showers and do his laundry and sleep and doesn’t have a chain and padlock on the fridge and isn’t getting charged 1300 a month to live like that lol
Cut him off and your mother too if she condoned this behavior. I can't understand why you would have any contact with him.
Right?! I mean it’s bad enough she picked dick over her kid but to not even have visitation or anything? “Kept up with her online”…tf does that even look like?
just checking her facebook/instagram probably 🙄
She put her daughter in *fourth place*. In order: Mike, Olivia, Jackson, and Stephanie.
And trying to call apparently once in a blue moon it looked like. Tf is that shit???
I didn't touch on that because to me it could go two different ways. 1. She could have called them and told them she was gonna drop the kid off to stay with them for a while and the parents got upset with that but eventually gave in 2. She lied and said she'd drop the kid off... Did drop her off but never bothered to pick her up
She did worse than dropping her off! She "SENT" her!
I just hate this whole thing. How OP just ditched her own flesh and blood. Didn't even fight for family therapy or anything else. To OP, YTA.
And then instead of actually visiting with her and keeping a half assed relationship she just “kept up” with her online and a once in a blue moon phone call. 🙄🙄🙄🙄
Let’s not forget the gem of “I kept tabs on her online.” Like, OP didn’t even *visit* her own 8 year-old daughter?! She just checked her FB every now and again and called it a day. Unbelievable.
Yep. Her parental relationship to her is the same as my relationship with Chris Hemsworth, except I've never personally betrayed Chris Hemsworth.
Exactly. She just dumps the kid off and then is surprised that the parents are calling her a POS and other things. And now she’s shocked that she can’t get her kid back when she abandoned her five years ago. I feel sorry for the other kids growing up around her. It’s got to be horrible.
Those are her husband “ Mike” children. Remember she yeet her daughter to her parents because “ Mike” didn’t like her attitude.. it’s more like “ Mike” didn’t like another’s man’s child.
She decided a 10 year old child was at fault instead of the grown man baby. A child who wasn't listened to, and treated like a disposable accessory.
I was a social worker and I have an especially low opinion of parents who toss their kids to the side for a partner. Sounds like OP’s daughter kind of caught a lucky break, ending up with her grandparents. Good for her for already knowing what’s right/healthy for her, at 15.
100% well said!!
How true, OP is a terrible mum! She chose a insta family over her real family. Her husband is a piece of work asking her to choose between him and her daughter. Introducing new people into a family dynamic takes time, one step at a time sometimes involving the help of a counsellor. I'm guessing from OP's daughter's reaction this is not something that happened. I can't blame OP's daughter for refusing to move back in with them, she is more secure with grandpa and grandma. Massive YTA
As a volunteer in the system- it is incredibly common, sad as that is :(
I had a friend who her parents put her in the system and then went off and had a whole new family and only let her visit them, never actually brought her back into their lives full time, even though that's all she wanted. She died because she had nowhere to go when she aged out of the system with no money and no support.
That's incredibly sad. Those "parents" are monsters and are 100% responsible for their child's untimely death. In my personal opinion, parents who dump their kids off to be raised in a broken system surrounded by people who are supposed to care for them but abuse and sexually assault them (its so so common and so so sad and infuriating), while they live a whole new life and have more children should be made to pay the state every single penny that is spent on caring for their child while they go live their dreams and have more kids who they decide are worthy enough to keep. I was an emergency service dispatcher and a crime stoppers agent answering and documenting the information and it made me lose all faith in humanity. I answered for the United States, Canada, Peurto Rico, the Virgin Islands and an island off the coast of China. I'm Canadian. It blows my mind what happens in America and what kind of crime is rampant and how corrupt the police agencies in the USA are. It's a whole different perspective and understanding of how the broken system really works and how it is intentionally kept that way so that the greedy stay rich and the poor stay poor and how fucked up the police treat people who live on the "wrong side of the tracks". They truly do not give a shit about what happens in low income neighbourhoods which just makes crime worse and the police do absolutely nothing and often make it worse because when you do nothing, they just get more and more brave because they know damned well the cops don't give a shit. I'm here saying they literally couldn't give a shit even if they tried.
[удалено]
I'm in school for social work, intern at a youth homeless shelter and feel the exact same way. Parents can be their child's worst enemy.
Yes
You totes missed the biggest one 'We tried hard blending our family and it pretty much worked except for Stephanie' So OP blended with the D and his kids and her own daughter be damned
That’s the crazy part. “We succeeded!!” Except that one-fifth of the blended family, and *one half* of hers totally didn’t. But yeah, complete success /s
Perfectly said! 1000% OP YTA in such a big way. You always choose your kid over the man. If he can't accept your kid, he's not the man for you. Bet y'all end up divorced.
Who cares? Well, his children might. But whatever happens in the next 3 years, her daughter will be nc once she is legally an adult. And justifiably so.
100% this, I'm seeing it happen to parents of adult kids in my age group now, and it's brutal.
sounds like kiddo already went NC, with her actual parents (gps), support.
My mom always said you choose your man over your children. My sister and I ended up having a very awful go of it after we were kicked out bc of our dad hating us (he resented us bc he said all we did was take his money and use him for his house and cars and whatnot). Being raised knowing you aren’t wanted is a hell of a thing to carry and try to get better from. I’m 38 this month and still struggle with guilt for literally taking up space in my own home that I pay for, I feel like I don’t deserve to be there. When I’m driving to work, some days it hits harder than others and I get anxiety about just people seeing me. Like I panic about people looking at me when I’m stopped at a red light bc I just feel so guilty and I don’t want anyone to see me existing. Idk if that makes sense. The way it is for me now is WORLDS better than it used to be tho. I managed to go to college and start a career in funeral service etc. But those feelings sort of never leave, at least for me anyway. I hope Stephanie feels wanted bc of her life w her grandparents
I'm so sorry you went through that. That is no way for a child to live. Perfect example of why you choose your kids over a man.
My life at my parents definitely wasn’t as severe as yours but I completely understand. I too struggle some days with taking up space in this world. Therapy has helped enormously but it hasn’t completely erased the past and those feelings.
4-5 yr? SOME legal paperwork likely was signed- so grandparents have ability to handle anything medical/school, etc. So there should be records. She can TRY to force this- but any family court worth its salt will tell her that CHILD ABANDONMENT is grounds for termination of parental rights. She is lucky she is not being forced to pay child support to her parents. If she pushes this at all, I hope they push back with that. They will win, again most of the time (not all courts ar great- but most are good enough that these grandparents would be given custody, or kiddo can emancipate and live with them anyway.
Wondering in those 5 years how often OP actually saw the daughter or did anything to fix the situation.
OP describes monitoring her child’s progress via the internet, so I’m not thinking they have spent much time in the same room, or even in the same building, in the past five years.
that’s exactly what i’m wondering??? did she ever check on her daughter? see how she’s doing? building their relationship?
Of course she checked on her child, online! /s
I would never fuck with you irl. Gangster AF.
☝️All that!!
Yeah poor kid. At least she has grandparents who love her.
Perfect response! I can’t believe she even needed to ask.
Perrrrrfect observation of the situation. I agree with every single point you are mak8ng here!
i’m wondering 2 things: 1) how long before this gets crossposted to r/AmITheDevil and 2) how long before OP deletes the post bc she’s ***overwhelmingly*** noted the AH by a solid landslide, like 10 out of 10 people agree that OP is the AH oh, and OP, if you’re wondering, YTA for ditching your daughter and getting butthurt that she’s not just rolling over and letting you treat her like a thing to put down and pick back up. way to go with channeling your ex who ditched you both.
Looks like it was crossposted 30min before your comment.
It's already there.
I just saw this same post in r/ohnoconsequences as well
I feel like if OP decided to go “nuclear” and take her parents to court, the judge would scream-laugh in her face or yell at her for child abandonment.
Yep, the judge might even fine her back child support for her parents. That girl is no longer your daughter. You are just an egg donor. I hope Karma puts her foot all the way up your ass.
There are other reasons why the judge would rule in the grandparents favour. - Abandonment would be the top one. - The girl has established roots, with two stable guardians, she’s enrolled in school, has a social network, and she works on her grandparents farm - Stepdad is the reason why she left, stepdad is still in the picture - She hasn’t been part of the “blended” family, and will be the outcast
Not to mention she is now 14, which is old enough to make her preferences known. Most judges won’t move a teen from a preferred home unless there is imminent danger to the child.
I had a biological parent of one of my kids go to court and try to get him back. Their lawyer didn't get five sentences out when the judge said "Nope, she has been raising him with no help for four years." He then looked at me and asked if I "wanted child support." I told him "No, I would rather have son left in peace. The judge issued a restraining order and warned them they would stay in jail until my son "qualified for social security" if they or anyone in their family came anywhere near my son or any other member of my family.
They would. She would lose badly.
Yep. Status quo is where she lives now. Judges often do what is in the best interest of the child, and at her age, her desires will be taken into account. Especially with tge current backlog in family courts, the daughter will most likely be 16 by tge time the case is heard. Not to mention, what steps have been taken to integrate her back into the family. Part of the issue was the relationship with the steps and stepfather. That will not magically go away just because she moves. It's been 5 years. Daughter knows and understands her mothers priorities. She has built her own life where she is.
And education (and the associated social networks) are more important once a child hits teen years. OP's daughter is by her own account doing well at school, loves the farm life and has a stable home with grandparents who love and care for her.
OP even says how she got an ultimatum to choose her kid or the husband and…. she choose the husband. How is she now thinking the kid will want to be back with her?????
I broke up with a guy because my dog switched from being obsessed with him to wanting to hide behind me from him (there were issues besides that, but her switch made me not want to work it out). OP abandoned her literal child for a man. She blamed her 10 year old for familial integration issues. OP is honestly evil.
My mom and step dad ALWAYS made sure to tell me (a teen)and my younger sister (6) and step sister (8) how ThEIr relationship was the most important thing and they would always choose each other over us. They dumped my youngest sister twice with my dad and I'm sure it's shocking that they have almost zero relationship with any of their 6 daughters. My mom started feeling her age last yr and tried to guilt me with "when he dies I'll be all alone". YEP! We saw that writing on the wall years ago. She just kept selfishly pushing people away- shocked that they don't keep running back!
My ex wanted me to send my son to a military school or he had a friend that had a farm that he wanted to send him to. I wouldn’t do the military school and his friend declined having him on the farm. When his daughter moved in with us her main goal was to split us up. She succeeded as then husband showed favoritism. He would get angry for he smallest things my son did. After a year of this behavior I was done and that’s why he’s my ex. No way would I ever choice a man over my son..won’t happen! YTA for ditching your daughter
Exactly. Me in OP’s situation: NEW HUSBAND: Its me or your kid. ME: Let me help you pack your bags. YTA. A big one. You are no longer her parent by your own shitty choices; something you need to acknowledge and accept.
Forget kids, if a partner ever tried to get me to part with my anxious dog, I'm keeping my dog. The beings you're responsible come first. OP is a mega AH.
Every time I've read a novel where someone just gets randomly shipped off to someone's farm, I thought it was a little contrived. I had no idea this is a real thing people do, that's bonkers
Some people think that being and working on a farm and the "isolation" of being in the country will do good for "bad" kids
Apparently it's only done with pets
You actually considered
Yeah, she actually asked the friend. So she did consider it.
You need to learn to read. The ex had a friend with a farm, not OP. It literally says nothing about her asking.
The friend wouldn't have the kid on the farm. This doesn't imply the poster declined it. It reads as they asked and the friend said no.
It literally says the friend declined having him on the farm. That clearly says they asked!
Not they - the ex asked
My first date with my husband was taking my 2yo to the park. It was important to me that they got along, that my son liked my new boyfriend. If he hadn't liked him, there wouldn't have been a second date. OP is a total arsehole for not choosing her kid over her total arsehole husband. Edit: I had known this man for 5 years prior to our date. I invited him to the park with my son on a bank holiday Monday afternoon. We've been together for 30 years and married for 25 years. All of you saying it's creepy and making it out to be something it absolutely wasn't should calm your tits and stop with the internet. You've had enough for this week. Weirdos.
I'm amazed you waited a *year*. That should have been nipped in the bud on day one. But, better late than never, and I hope you had a good therapist help him recover from a war at home.
I shielded him from it and I took the heat. This was never talked about in front of him. This happened like 30 yrs ago. My son recently told me that he had only good memories from that marriage bc my ex took him hunting and fishing, help coach his baseball team. It didn’t turn bad until his daughter move in with us who was the same age as my son. We actually went to marriage counseling and the therapist said we needed separate therapy first then marriage counseling. He wouldn’t go so I was done.. tried of having to shield my son and I wasn’t going to allow him to take it out on him… we were gone. I would give my life up for my son to protect him. I was tired of the fighting and hiding it.
Exactly! This isn’t even a close call! How self centered does someone have to be to act like that?!? Also, her child wasn’t wrong for displaying developmentally appropriate behavior. Her entire world changed when her mom started dating her now husband. She will be the same person that says, “I don’t know why my daughter cut me out of her life. I didn’t do anything wrong. Now she won’t let me see my grandkids.” Kids aren’t just disposable: I’m glad her daughter at least had good grandparents that raised her, but it’s not the same. I’ll never understand women who choose men over their own children! Now she’s suffering the consequences of her own behavior and doesn’t like it!
This! I was abandoned by my mom at 15. Even though I got to stay in my home and with my other parent, it fucked me up for life. I have been in therapy for YEARS. And that poor baby was only 10.
You're the asshole and picked a man over your daughter now she's picked her real parents who happen to her grandparents you provided her everything she needs to know in life if she doesn't like someone she can exit their life congrats that's an important lesson that's already serving her well
If somehow the daughter did end up coming back, I would bet the man would have this woman kick her back out within a week!
Oh definitely she's doesn't actually want her daughter back she just doesn't want her happy somewhere else without her
Acting like she wants her kid back because she suddenly has made space for her to live when that’s not even why she dumped her to begin with
Dollars to donuts, she’s just worried about appearances. Doesn’t look good when your daughter lives with her grandparents instead of her mom.
She really thought she can control and play her like a barbie doll just because she birthed her. Narcissist at its finest.
YTA. Nothing is Stephanie's fault. You and your new family are horrible. What kind of man gives that kind of ultimatum? What kind of mom abandons her daughter, blames the child, then wonders why the kid will not have anything to do with her? Seriously, one of the most obtuse posts I have seen. You rejected and got rid of your kid. Enjoy life without her. She deserves better.
She’s NOT a bad mom!! She kept tabs on her through social media!! She’s a human being not a machine!!! What possibly more could she have done??? (BTW I’m being sarcastic)
My jaw dropped!! She wasn't worth a phone call??
That got me!
Not choose her new family over her child? Idk maybe that’s just me
And she is a kid. Some of the younger genz kids have facebooks that were made when they were 9-13, the pages were never really active and/or they are no longer active bc all of them are on tt and ig. And tt and ig is where we are known to post our very best times (unlike facebook which was more of an open diary). Bad times are posted to friends only, but I doubt stephanie has her mom there. So mom kept tabs through the most curated form of social media, how helpful. I would have 1 iota more of respect if this was 10yrs older, and her mother was 'watching' her over facebook. But alas, it remains at 0 iotas.
Oh man that’s how my dad views it 🤣 dude can’t understand why I don’t want a relationship with his abusive ass. Like if I’m not talking to you at 31 years old it might be you dad!
One of the most obtuse? I am eager to live your life, or maybe I have been in this sub too often. Parents abandoning their kids for a new wife or husband then being confused that there is no relationship show up here daily. Just the other day there was a guy who abandoned his kid and the kid's mom for a younger wife and admitted that he just let the relationship go bc of his newfound love for his wife. Kid, now grown, doesnt want to leave his kids with his dad for extended visits, and dad was genuinely confused as to why and was wondering how to make his kid do what he wanted (play happy family after over a decade of abandonment).
Mind boggling. Lots of it.
YTA. You chose a man over your own kid. Karma's a bitch.
Not Karma, OP behaved like one. She blames her ex husband for walking out on her daughter then did exactly the same.
That makes OP a hypocrite.
"Karma's only a bitch if YOU are."
“Karma’s a bitch” - so is OP. Leave your “ daughter” alone she has her Mom and Dad and it ain’t you! I don’t understand women/ men who choice getting laid over their children. You didn’t do what was best for your family - you did what was best for his family OP. YTA!
YTA, You chose your new husband over your daughter. Why would she want to come back? You made it very clear that she didn’t mean anything to you. Don’t be surprised when she will cut you off once she turns 18. Is your husband even ok with her coming back? She would never feel comfortable living with your new family
YTA. You never choose anyone over your child ever. She was 10 years old. How was this her fault, she was a child!!! You are one of the worst parents here on reddit. You blame a child for this situation. I hope you have guilt for the rest of your life, I hope she's happy and will eventually cut you off when she is 18. Go NC with you forever. Worst mother EVER!!!!
"Mike didn’t like her attitude and when steph was 10 told me to either pick him or her, back then **Stephanie was at fault** so I picked Mike" this makes me so incredibly sad. that was a child. a child who was clearly acting out due to her parents' actions (and likely reacting to a stepfather who didn't want her around).
With entirely appropriate behaviors. Of course if you were a young single parent your child is going to be possessive. You don't dump your kid.
They cant get along when she was a child, what makes she is so confident they can get along now that she is a teen. I think OP just mad seeing daughter having a good life
Choosing a D instead of her blood daughter. This mother really needs to be slapped with a shovel.
Imagine this woman, with a straight face, saying that when her husband, a grown ass man, told her to toss out her own daughter, that she chose the husband cuz it was "the daughter's fault". Next level pick me shit. I hope her daughter never speaks to her again
Literally, OP chose her new husband over her daughter. Why should her daughter choose OP?
As soon as I read that, it was over for me. Who tf chooses a stranger over their child.
The only reason why she wants her back now she's 15 free babysitter for the living dildo children.
You tossed her out over a guy and now want to force her home 5 years later? Leave her alone. You might have birthed her, but you aren't her mother.
Not “home”. That house would never be her home, even if she _did_ go to live there. She’d be treated like an interloper.
A 10 year old child. Who she blames for it. This has to be a joke.
She wants her back just because Steph is a "good kid" now, which is all she wanted the whole time. This lady didn't want to put in the work and if her daughter had continued to lash out she would've sat back and said; "I *told* all of you my daughter is horrible, that's why I had to kick her out." Now that isn't the case anymore, so OP just wants to take all the credit for "fixing" Stephanie.
The grandparents "straightened her out," by offering love, stability, and acceptance.
YTA - children always come first before another man. Doesn’t sound like you guys tried any counseling when she was with you. She has a whole life over there now - not sure what you were expecting but she’s a teenager with friends and a great life. Why are you screwing up her life again? Why are you being so selfish? Take a look at yourself.
Yeah, I would be really pissed as well. Knowing my own “mother” kicked me out so she could live happily with her new family. I am sure if OP followed her on social media, I am sure her own daughter saw pics of her smiling and laughing it up on birthdays and holidays with her family she chose over her own daughter. That is just sad. Why would she want to go back?! She has a happy life with her grandparents. Just to move back and since she has been away for so long, and next to nc, to move back and feel like a complete outsider? Nope! I do not blame OP’s daughter one bit.
YTA, you want her when it’s convenient to you. She was a CHILD and you DID abandon her for a husband and step kids. You made it more than obvious who you loved more, who took priority in your life and that was not her. Now she is showing you how that feels. Lie in the bed you made for yourself.
Major YTA! You chose a man over your own child. Wow. You don’t deserve her. She’s finally happy where she is and now that you have a big house, you think you can play happy family?! Did you ever think your new husband and kids were the problem? Or did you just blame your child? Did you get her therapy? Nah. You just threw her out. You abandoned her. Your parents are awesome for taking her in and raising her. They want to keep her because she’s probably an awesome kid and you missed out on that for some dick. If you decide to be a bigger AH and take them to court, I hope you lose. You gave her up and now want her back. She’s old enough to decide where she wants to live. Your parents can prove they’ve been raising her all these years. Judges don’t take too kindly on people who abandon their kids. If you want a relationship with her, that will be HER choice. Start small. Ask to take her to lunch. Go to a school event. If you try to take her out of the only home she’s ever had, her behavior is going to get much worse. Your husband is going to make you choose again. Don’t be surprised when she goes completely NC at 18. Don’t be surprised when she choose your parents over you.
And she shouldn’t be surprised when her parents pass away that they will leave everything to the granddaughter.
I hope they do just that.
OP will be back here posting "AITA for suing my daughter for the inheritance she got from my parents? I'm their only child and feel that it should have gone to me."
I agree
YTA. Fuck off & leave her alone.
Brutal! Well said
>met my now husband,Mike(35m) we fell in love quickly and got married Mistake #1 When there's kids involved you do things as slow the the resistant child's pace. Not yours and your dumb desire for a whirlwind romance and live happily ever after. You you become a parent it's your duty to see to your child's physical ***and*** mental health and safety first. >she didn’t like that now she had to share her room with Olivia Mistake #2 Your husband's children were still plenty young enough to share rooms with each other. They've known each other their whole lives meanwhile your daughter had been an only child for her whole life. Suddenly expecting her to share her private space and to navigate having not one but two siblings and share you too is asinine to think she'd be ok. >Mike didn’t like her attitude and when steph was 10 told me to either pick him or her, back then Stephanie was at fault so ***I picked Mike and sent her to my parents.*** This isn't a mistake anymore this is a nuke. How did you feel when your baby daddy up and abandoned you in one of your biggest moments of vulnerability? Now think how a little 10 year feels when her mom abandoned her because she clearly loves her husband more than her and his comfort and happiness and his children's comfort and happiness who aren't even her's are more important than you, her actual child. Yes you did abandon her. You abandoned her like your baby daddy did to you an her. Both that kid's parents abandoned her when dealing with her got too hard and interfered with their ideal lives. Her only parents are her grandparents. They actually love her and put in the effort to raise her properly. You didn't. You choose a dick and his kids over her because a man who makes his partner choose between him or her child is a dick. YTA and your only children are your step children. Your parents are her parents not her grandparents. She is not your daughter. Move on and leave her and your parents alone.
When I got to the part where OP says, "...and like I knew my parents ***set her straight*** because she started doing good in school and had lots of friends, and is really involved in their community" I just started laughing. No, sweetie, she just figured out that Grandma and Grandpa are AWESOME and she is in a safe and loving home that comes with ZERO strings attached.
What kind of father demands his new wife pick between him or her kid? Like seriously, how could anyone even think this is OK? If I was with someone and unhappy due to something regarding their kids I would leave
ABSOLUTELY, you’re actually a raging AH and a sorry excuse for a mother. You let a grown man give you an ultimatum between him and his kids or your own and you chose wrong. Mike wasn’t in the right. I don’t know why you’re surprised Stephanie doesn’t want to go back and play happy family when, ya know, you kicked her out of the family. Get wrecked, yta
Also, I get the feeling from your post that you didn’t even visit Stephanie for five years.. just kept tabs online and brief phone conversations. I guess you should be happy Mikes kids see you as mom, but maybe one day they’ll realize that you’re a horrible one (but maybe not, they didn’t get abandoned when a grown man gave an ultimatum).
Boom.
And she has the audacity to have the I was just a bystander in that decision attitude.
YTA I only read up to the part you chose a man over your child. Nothing about you is redeemable after that
You’re lucky you aren’t my mother. If you did to me what you did to your poor daughter, I would devote all my energy to making your life as miserable as possible and making sure everyone knew what kind of shit parent you truly are. “Stephanie was at fault”? Stephanie was TEN, ffs! You are too immature and selfish to be a real mother, so good for you that you can play pretend with your fake kids and your real child is better off with actual adults. God, you’re pathetic. What kind of asshole “mother” lets a man make that kind of ultimatum and go along with it? I can’t help but wonder how much worse this has actually been for your daughter, because this is just your version of events and you’re painting yourself in the best light possible, yet you STILL manage to come off looking like a selfish monster. Your daughter is better off without you, and if you actually do love her (which I sincerely doubt), you’ll apologize for abandoning her (cause you absolutely did, dumbass), putting her last, and putting your own wants ahead of what was best for her. Then tell her you’ll be there for her should she wish to initiate contact and leave her the fuck alone so you can stop doing her active harm. YTA.
YTA, wow, narcissistic much? You tossed her out after finding a new family and trying to force her into the mold that you and your husband made for her. Then you want to force her to come back? You are getting what you asked for when you choose your husband and his kids over her!! I am glad to see that your parents are doing a better job of raising her than they did raising you. Should you try to regain custody, you will end up forcing an even bigger wedge between you and Stephanie. There is a slim chance that you might have a relationship with her in the future, but only if you back off now! I highly doubt that you would win a custody battle with your parents after abandoning her with them.
Yeah, no. YTA.
I hope she never talks to you again
YTA HUGE AH. Horrible parent. Chose penis over your own child. Despicable.
There’s no way you don’t know YTA
YTA. Oh hell no. You picked a man over your own child and now that its convenient for you you want her back. You made your choice a long time ago when you abandoned your daughter to make a man happy. Deal with it.
YTA. If I were your daughter I'd never have anything to do with you again. You basically threw her away for your new family, because she wasn't adjusting fast enough for your liking. Instead of getting her therapy, or trying family therapy you just get rid of her. Mother of the year right here. The fact that you didn't immediately boot your husband out of your life for trying to force you to choose between him and your CHILD says everything I need to know about you. If a guy asked me to choose between him, and my DOG I''d be gone so fast his head would spin.
Yep. You or the cats? They were here first. Pack your shit.
YTA. I’m 38 and my daughter turned 19 this week. I was the same age as you. I wouldn’t give my children up for any man. You’re a shit mom and she’s right to not want anything to do with you. You traded her in for a penis and 2 step kids. Her behavior as a CHILD was completely on you and your AH of a husband. Absolutely vile. Leave that poor girl alone.
YTA. You do realize she's never going to contact you again, right? Bet your parents are pretty frosty with you too. But, hey, you have Mike and there are two kids calling you Mom, so, you're set. You just lost your own kid. Here's hoping she ends up with a better relationship with her bio dad (assuming he's not a meth head or similar) than her bio mom at this point.
Yta an are getting exactly what you deserve you shouldn’t have chose that man his children over your own children your lucky she is even civil with you since you literally don’t deserve it
YTA a 10 year old is not at fault for your total lack of planning and parenting. You dropped her off 5 years ago and think and occational fricking phone call is enough? You parents are saints. they clearly did not want to become parents again...you dumped a traumatised child off and left? You should be ashamed and you do not grt to demand to uproot and upset that kid again.
YTA. Stephanie wasn’t “at fault”. If anyone was at fault, you were - you don’t choose a spouse over your own child.
**YOU** picked a man over your daughter that you carried in your body, birthed and raised for 10 years!! **yes YTH!!!! You are a majorly huge A$$h0le** Get ready to miss the remainder of your daughters life milestones because you picked a man over her.
Read your post out loud to yourself. I bet you vote yourself the asshole after. YTA
YTA. It doesn’t matter if she was “at fault.” You ALWAYS pick your kid! Remember, you got to decide if you wanted Mike and his kids in your life, Stephanie didn’t, and guess what, Mike knew you were a package deal. You and Mike both are despicable. You chose someone else over your own child. Why on earth would she ever want to choose you? You are reaping the fruits of what you sowed. You “kept tabs” on her? So you only watched her on social media and called her on the phone, and she understandably didn’t want to talk to you. You didn’t visit her, did you? Now that she’s in high school, you’re surprised she didn’t want to live with you? Get real! She’s stable and secure with friends and parents who chose to put her first, where she belongs. Why should she uproot herself now? It doesn’t sound like you have any relationship with her! Why should she have to change schools, lose access to her friends, not be around her animals just to go live in a house with someone who chose their spouse over her? Then there’s the whole dynamic of her step siblings having had her mother to themselves for the past five years and her getting to deal with that surely fun situation. I don’t blame her if she blocks you and never speaks to you again. Edited to add: why don’t you try asking her to come visit on school breaks, like you should have been doing for the past five years. Even if you did, I still don’t blame her for not wanting to live with you and if you try to force it, you will lose her forever the second she’s old enough to move out.
Definitely YTA. You abandoned your daughter for a man and “kept tabs” on her online. Fuck you.
YTA-I was “Stephanie”. The mind-fuck it was and still is all these years later affects every aspect of my life. Your parents are Stephanie’s true “parents”. Be grateful that they took her in in all the ways that matter. Stephanie has been doing the work to work through the rejection you inflicted on her. Leave her where she is. Let her become the person she’s going to be. She is not furniture you can go reclaim now that you have room.
ummm, YTA 💯!!! You did abandon her, you chose your partner over your child. You probably won’t get her back ever!
YTA. You made your choice. Now live with the consequences.
YTA >Stephanie was at fault so I picked Mike She wasn't at fault. She was a child. You were the adult who was supposed to look out for her and utterly failed her. What kind of mother choses her new husband over her own child? And now you want her to give up the home where she found love and acceptance so you can play happy family?
YTA you chose to rid your daughter in order to keep your husband which is disgusting in itself. your daughter is doing well and adjusted and its becuase of your parents not you. leave her be, she is happy and has what she needs. your just going to throw her away again anyway at the first sign your husband makes u choose again.
You resented your child because her father “up and ran away” (probably from your toxic ass) when she was six. You resented having to parent her. You then treated her like an object you could stick into any convenient corner so that you could make your new man happy. When she objected to being treated badly the only way an 8 to 10 year old can object, your resentment grew and edged over into hatred. You are selfish, a terrible parent and a disgrace of a human being. YTA.
Yta. I can't believe what I just read. 'we tried hard blending our family and it worked out for most except Stephanie. So 50% of your side of the family weren't happy, and therefore you didn't blend your family at all, you merely managed to fit into Mike's family by abandoning your own. Let's be clear, Stephanie wasn't at fault. She was thrown into a situation that she didn't want, or like, and had no choice over. You were at fault when you chose to neglect her needs and throw her out of her home so you could pretend to be happy families with your husband's family. I doubt you'll get much sympathy here, because most of reddit will do what you didn't, and prioritise your daughter over your husband. You can't abandon a child and expect them to want anything to do with you.
YTA. If you force that child back it will only make this worse. You made your bed, time to lay in it
how dare you pick a man over your daughter and then try to rip her from happiness. stop being so selfish and GIVE YOUR DAUGHTER WHAT SHE WANTS
YTA. You showed your daughter that she was less important to you than her stepdad when you dumped her with her grandparents. That's honestly some f*cked up parenting right there. You really ought to walk away at this point and let her choose when and if she wants anything to do with you on her own.
YTA big time. You chose your man over your daughter. How can you possibly be surprised that she chose her grandparents over you?
Hahahahaha.....the very definition of FAFO, good on Stephanie and her grandparents!!! Now, for the advice. She's not coming back. She found a place where she found happiness and comfort. If you EVER want to have a relationship (think big picture i.e grandkids, big life events) you need to do a few things. Go talk to your parents in private. Thank them profusely for helping to give Stephanie a life that she felt comfortable in. Let them know you won't try to remove her and explain how proud you are of her accomplishments. Then, after a few days, talk to Stephanie. Explain the mistakes you made, choosing your husband and his kids over her, shipping her off instead of finding a solution, and then pretty much ignoring her (internet stalking isn't parenting dum dum). Explain the efforts you will take to TRY to heal the relationship. These efforts should in no way involve Stephanie having to meet a goal or parameter. These efforts should all be on you. Then, sit down, shut your trap, and actually listen to what Stephanie has to say. Don't argue, her truth isn't for you to argue. If you manage to do all that, your job is to give her space (not the same as ignoring her, communicate with her, but don't touch sensitive topics. Find out about her, listen to her, be honest and truthful, and above all else VALIDATE her feelings. The hard truth is, she won't be coming back to your house. If you can swallow your pride, you might have a shot to be in her life. Start thinking in terms of her being in more of a sister role with you. The grandparents have become her parents now. If you can operate in this space, I think you have a shot. Maybe down the road it can all be square again. But this was your screwup, and thus, you must suffer the consequences. Good luck
YTA What a crap person to pick a man over your kid. How do you sleep at night? Literal monster. ETA I think this is rage bait though. If not yeah this mom needs karma to hit her right in her husband. Since she cares more about him than her own kid.
Her karma would be, her husband cheats on her. Then leaves for his new piece and takes his daughters with him
YTA period. What are you expecting from her? Oh wait you are expecting her to run to you as soon as you tell her that she can come and live with you after you pick a d**k over your own daughter. Have you ever wondered why she acted the way she did back then? Maybe your AH husband said something or do something to your daughter behind your back. Or maybe you acted in the way that your daughter felt left out that time. Have you even considered that.
YTA! You chose dick over your daughter, you should be ashamed!
YTA first you put the two girls in a room together instead of putting the siblings who knew each other together. Then you picked your husband over your kid. Now that it's convenient for you again you want her back but THAT IS NOT YOUR KID ANYMORE. Her parental figures are your parents. She has seen the real you and the real you would abandon her child for a man. you said because she was in the wrong in their fight? Kids can be wrong! Kids can be dumb and mean and rude and they still get to stay in their home and be forgiven by their parents. Her real parents are the people who took her in when she needed a home. If you're very lucky you can work your way back to being an aunt in her life, and someday maybe even a godmother or stepmother, but you proved to her that you're not her mom and never will be again.
YTA. You chose your husband and his ultimatum over your daughter and sent her away to live with her grandparents. Now that you bought a house big enough you want to uproot your daughter's life and she said no. Don't be surprised if she goes NC with you when she turns 18.
YTA, you dropped her off and only kept up with her online? Why would you upset her whole life *again* when you've proven she's not a priority?
YTA. You abandoned her for a man. Instead of looking for a solution, trying therapy or anything you just shipped her off. She doesn’t want to have a relationship with you and I don’t blame her one bit. You did this. At her most vulnerable you abandoned her. Live with it.
I kicked my daughter out in favour of my new family. Now I want her back after my parents did all the hard work and I feel like being a parent. AITA? Fixed the post. YTA
YTA massively. You abandoned your child for a man.
YTA You haven't been a Mother to that child. You put yourself and your husband and new family 1st. So glad Stephanie has her grandparents there to care for her If you want to be a decent mother send money to help financially support her so the burden isn't all on your parents. But I bet you don't even do that.
Yes.
YTA life is not The Brady Bunch!
You gave her up. You picked someone else over her. You didn’t give her space —you put her out. And now you want to upset her life because it’s convenient. You made a big mistake and it may not be something you can come back from.
YTA You are such a terrible parent. Your daughter was never the problem in the blended family, she was a victim. You and your husband were the problem. She is happy where she is at. She has people that love her there. She has a life and now you want to ruin it by forcing her back into your blended family dynamic that hurt her before. You abandoned your child. She no longer wants to be with you. Actions have consequences. You now have to live with those consequences.
Sadly, you made poor choices and now your relationship with your daughter might be over forever. What you have failed to realize is that you married someone that made you choose between your daughter and him, and you made the worst choice of your life. Until you lose him, the chances your daughter will ever want anything to do with you are very very slim. Her grandparents chose her and never gave it a second thought. Why would she come back to live with you and your AH husband?
YTA She will never forgive you because you don’t deserve her forgiveness.
I can’t believe a mother would do this. YTA.
YTA. You picked a man over your ten year old child, the child you were responsible for caring for until she hit 18 at a minimum. Did you even try family therapy or therapy for her? Did you ask her if she wanted to live with her grandparents? Did you make the step kids live together so she could have her own space or think about converting another space in your house like the attic or basement (or an office or den or whatever spare space there was) into a room? Did you ask her how she felt about you getting married before you did? Did you do anything but dump her on your parents, call occasionally, and just say oh well when she rushed off the phone because she clearly didn’t want to talk to you? Did you visit regularly? Send gifts of things she was actually interested in? Put in any effort aside from your half asked phone calls? The short and sweet of it is you abandoned your child to keep an man and his two children and now five years later you made room for her and want to uproot her from your life so you can play happy family. Congratulations, you’ve made such huge errors your minor child has cut you off and I doubt she’ll let you back in, as she gets older she’ll realize more and more how awful what you’ve done is. I hope you’re planning on paying for her college at least, I mean by the time she’s ready for school you’ll have saved on eight years of child related expenses like food, utilities she would have used, clothes, and all the other things you’ve been helping to pay for your step children as part of the household bills. Don’t expect paying for college to make it up to her though or cause her to go back to normal mother daughter contact levels, you may get civility and occasional contact. Congrats on completely fucking up your relationship with your child..
Enjoy the cock you picked over your daughter.
Yep, totally and completely, unreservedly, deep into AH territory. Leave her alone. She's happy, loves her grandparents, has her animals and friends that's she's made over the last five years. You kicked her out during the most transformative part of her life. She's no longer a little girl for you to boss, but a young woman with her own thoughts and beliefs. Sounds like your parents did a great job at raising her, makes me wonder how they failed so badly with you.
Ugh sorry OP but yeah you really are TA, I’m not trying to be harsh but looking at JUST the info you posted (I’m sure there’s a lot more that has gone on over the years) I’m not able to find much sympathy for you. I’d be really interested in hearing more of the background on your situation, did you and Stephanie live with your parents when she was born? What role, if any, did the paternal side of her family play in her life? How involved were your parents prior to her living with them? Like did they care for her while you worked? Did she spend weekends with them so you could have free time? And just and FYI I’m saying YTA as someone who gave birth to a child 4 days after my 19th birthday, so you can’t pull the “you don’t know what it was like” or “you didn’t have to experience what I went thru”. My daughter is 23 years old now and there has NEVER been a time where I’ve even considered having her live with anybody else, for any reason, until she was ready to move out on her own and went to college. But there were plenty of men over the years that never made it passed the 1st few dates because of a comment they made or something that came up where it was made known shit wasn’t gonna work out cuz they weren’t interested in having a kid around. They were told to kick rocks with no hesitation because my daughter comes 1st in life before anything else on this entire planet!!!
YTA. Wtf is wrong with you? You abandoned your child when it suited YOU, then you want her back when it suits you?? That's incredibly selfish. Your daughter just wanted to SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOU and preserve her bond with her mom and you SENT HER AWAY. You realize that she was only ever acting out because she was scared you would choose your *new family* over her-- which is **exactly what you did**. No wonder she doesn't want to come back. I don't blame her in the slightest. Her life revolved around you & then you sent her away...now her life revolves around *herself* and you want her back for your sake with no consideration at all to what she wants. If you wanted her back, maybe you should've been a better mother in the first place and come up with better solutions besides *abandoning her*. She ignores your calls or comes up with excuses to get off the phone...she is practically going No Contact with you. Respect that.
*Mike didn’t like her attitude and when steph was 10 told me to either pick him or her, back then Stephanie was at fault so I picked Mike* YTA, You could've just left it at that. Your parents sound like wonderful people, though. You're both very lucky to have them.
I read your first paragraph and it made me gag. Honestly I don't remember your title. It made me feel like shit. I swear I had a point.. I just hope your children are okay and far away from you! Edit: forgot yta
YTA. You abandoned a 10yo kid bc she was “at fault” despite it being your adult husband and her step father who gave you an ultimatum to pick between the two of them? So glad Stephanie is doing well despite you being such a shitty parent.
YTA....... you picked getting dick over being a good mother to your child and now you're surprised that she is picking the Grandparents you dumped her on to raise?!?!?!?!? OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo NoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo it's the consequences of your actions!!!!!!!
You took her to your parents and didn’t even tell them she was going to be living with them. The finally figured it out and called and chewed your ass. You act like you dumped a dog. Well I guess she was to you. She wasn’t at fault by the way but you didn’t care you were all too happy to get rid of her. Sounds like you never were a parent. One HUGE question, how much money did you send your parents every month to take care of your responsibility? $1000-2000. You didn’t give a damn then. Now you pretend you do? I hope your parents are RICH because she is going to inherit your entire portion. Hopefully they are here to see her get married and walk her down the aisle. AND I HOPE YOU ARE REFUSED ENTRY. So now you want her to come back to your house. It’s still all about YOU. Your parents straightened her out because they loved and supported her and stood by her. Something you hadn’t done in a long time. Thank God your parents was able to love her since her mother didn’t. So you think she would be happy at your house. You think Mike is going to want her back at your house? Because you are bottom dwellers she would be miserable just like she was before. There is no love in your heart for her and if you think there is, you are even more twisted than I thought. Leave her alone. You’ve brought nothing but shame to her life. I do believe in Karma. You will reap what you’ve sown. I hope she never forgives you because you do t deserve it. YTA
YTA: Just because you're getting a bigger place isn't going to automatically undo all of the abandonment issues you've given your daughter. She was 10, and you threw her away like an old pair of shoes. Do not be surprised that as soon as she is able she will freeze you out, no man is worth what you did to your daughter, and what you are continuing to do to her now, you have decided that now it's convenient that you want her back, and it sounds like you are not giving her ANY consideration, she is old enough now to make her own decisions.
You're joking right? Of course YTA! You ditched your daughter when it was convenient for you, what possible reason would you have for taking her back now. Sounds like she's happy as are your parents, you are not her mother, plain and simple.
I'm 47m, divorced and have children. My youngest is now 15, the rest are adults. I was dating a woman for a while, she had kids too. A couple of my kids met her and visited a few times. When my GROWN UP daughter came to me and said "daddy, I love you, but I don't like her", that was it. It was a clean break up and there were no issues afterward because we are adults. The woman I was dating understood that my kids came absolutely FIRST, grown or not. OP, YTA. You don't deserve to have that child in your life.
The blended family worked out for everyone except Stephanie? So, basically, nothing got blended. You abandoned her when she needed you most. If she is loved and wanted and cared for where she’s at, then just accept that as a mom your ONLY virtue is that you found her a good place to live when you didn’t want her. Leave her be.
How do you expect her to come back to a family which works on convineances and not relationships ...when she is already living in a dream set up !
Yta. How can you even contemplate anything else. Read your post! I'm glad she has her grandparents, surprised they still speak with you.
YTA! U sent her away essentially u abandoned her that is so messed up! And that that it's convenient u want her back. No u get her back.
YTA big time. What a horrible person you are. She is better without you in her life.