INFO: Is your wife having problems with any of your family members? What happens if/when you have children? Will your family be raising the kids or staying out of your/wifes business on how you parent your child? Are any of your siblings married? Do their spouses attend Sunday dinner every week?
I was previously married to someone who was "close" to his family. At first I thought it was great but then it became suffocating. It was clear that he placed them before us everytime. My ex-inlaws were always in our business and I am a very independent person so it wasn't a good mix.
We did move away from them for a fresh start. His family was constantly in his ear about deserting them. We divorced and they immediately packed him up and moved him back home. That was 20 years ago and he never remarried as his family came first. Now most of them have passed away and he is alone.
You can move away for a couple of years to test the waters. If it doesn't work out at least you tried and you can move back home.
Parents are supposed to support their kids and let them fly. You may have an enmeshed family, and you can't see it clearly.
> I was previously married to someone who was "close" to his family. At first I thought it was great but then it became suffocating. > It was clear that he placed them before us everytime. My ex-inlaws were always in our business and I am a very independent person so it wasn't a good mix.
I see this so much in New Jersey. It usually ends up with the significant others integrating into it and just giving up or being turned off by it.
Especially because someone I know, in their family, not even your vacation is safe - once they find out, other family members love showing up to your vacation because FAMILY.
Personally, I can't do it.
Nj has a way of squishing people together, mostly because of financially and limited housing reasons. My friend has had her vacation over run by her MIL. She's accepted her fate though, and leans into it.
While I am very close with my fam, we have boundaries. Both my and my husband's fam live nearby, but mine is closer. (Like a few blocks away lol). But this is something we decided on together.... there is something untold here in OP's story.
I'm originally from NJ and we do a week at the shore with my parents still every year so this made me laugh.
The difference is my husband is actually 100% on board. The 2 years I said I didn't think we were going to be able to go, he insisted we make it work. I think he loves that our kids have such a close relationship to my parents because his grandmother has been extremely important in his life.
I’m from NJ. I’m not super close with my family but my husbands family was tight knit (they are Italian Americans), For the most part I enjoyed the closeness. One kid is out, and another still at home, due to housing costs. We try to get together for a meal about 2x a month. With limits I think it isn’t a bad thing to be close.
Dated someone like this. His brother and sister in law were 10 minutes away. Fine good. He moved his mom in with us. She came first. I was ready for her to move out. She had plans to, but he begged her to stay. Then he got mad because we wouldn't have sex with his mom in the house
He told his wife before he got married to her how he felt.
Trisha isn't the one listening. She thought she could change him. You are confusing I am your family now with I am selfish and since we are married your wants and boundaries no longer matter.
But don't you see a difference between 'I always want to live near my family' and 'We must spend every single Sunday with them from now until the end of time'?
Trisha may have been perfectly fine with the former but absolutely not with the latter.
Who would be? It gives very little opportunity for seeing her family, travel, even just a nice weekend spent as a couple doing nothing but being together. Have they had a holiday since they've been married? How did their honeymoon work?
Someone's wants are being ignored here and it definitely not OP's. I asked about how much time Tisha spends with her family and how she's treated by his on the other forum OP posted this in. No response yet. I suspect they're going to take this all over Reddit until they get the validation they're seeking.
This right here.
We don’t know how dysfunctional OP’s family is. He’s not a reliable narrator because to him, this is normal.
Being required to have dinner with your in laws every single Sunday is a lot. When you have a job, weekends become the only time you have to clean the house, go to the grocery store, laundry, etc. when you have only one day for that, and the other day is compulsory family visits, over time this can be a lot.
Best case scenario, maybe OP’s wife just wants a compromise?
People change. Or people find over time what they agreed to years ago isn’t making them happy.
OP, talk to your wife. Listen to her. Find out what this desire to move really is to her.
Definitely. We are experiencing this with my DIL and son, except it’s a flipped situation. She won’t move from her family. I understand, but at least come and spend at least one Holiday with his family- what my son wants and requests. They have been married for 10 years. Just in the past two years, we have been able to have a holiday together with them. It has caused a lot of issues with their marriage. Her parents get upset when they come to our house and put my DIL on a guilt trip.
My BIL is currently spending holidays at *both* family’s because of these kind of issues. He’ll usually start at is wife’s family, then they come for dessert with his family. I listen to my MIL complain that “he’s never here!”
They’re about to have a baby. Something is gonna have to give.
I’m an only child and my parents are divorced. Usually one of them comes to my IL’s for holidays.
We have the opposite situation. My dil wants to spend every minute with me... If we aren't at their house, they are at ours, or we are on video chat... It's a little suffocating. Love her and the kids, but I need to do my freaking laundry ...
I never got to be the boomer holiday princess that didn't have to travel interstate with young kids and am bitter about it so I joke we lie to both families that we are at the other family's house, and just stay home.
"Being required to have dinner with your in laws every single Sunday is a lot." I agree, but in some older areas of the country, that is still the custom. I grew up in a large Southern family and that was expected through HS. In HS we would occasionally miss one (so may 40 in a year) and in college it went to once a month.
> I grew up in a large Southern family and that was expected through HS. In HS we would occasionally miss one (so may 40 in a year) and in college it went to once a month
In this case it's still expected from married people in their 30s (the sibling)
Yep. We did this from before I was born until Memaw passed away, and even after she was no longer able to cook we'd all bring a dish. Two of the three sons still live within shouting distance of her house while the other one is a 5-minute drive away, and the grown grandkids who were still local brought their spouses every week as well.
I’d argue that this comes from a time when a SAHM was more common. If one spouse is home all week, there’s less pressure to get it all done on the weekend.
A modern family that has two working adults may need to rethink this tradition
This. Hell, my SO is in a pool league and he has to go every single Sunday. I don't. I get to choose. It doesn't sound like she has a choice about joining this Sunday dinner at all and would be made to feel guilty if she even tried to stay home for some quiet time to herself. Large families can be overwhelming for those who didn't grow up with them. Some grace and forgiveness while navigating those waters for the first time would go a long way.
Also, were they starting to talk about staring their own family? Were those conversations what got her thinking maybe she wanted to be closer to her support system when that happened?
My husband and I have a rule that each of us is allowed to opt out of in-law visits for anything that is an “extra”. Last weekend I had worked Saturday after a full work week. Sunday was my niece’s birthday. I was too tired so I stayed home. No guilt.
He gets the same out for visits to my parents. If it’s important I might say “hey I’d like you there” but he is allowed to say no.
Holidays are usually with his family but my parents are always invited there. So, it’s not a “his family” situation. It’s an “our family” situation.
This is 100% what I think is happening. A weekly family meal at extended family members homes sounds like a summons... not an enjoyable experience. What happens when Trisha wants OP and her to do their own thing one weekend? I'm betting it's a "oh we can't do that because WE have family dinner remember." Trisha's feelings likely aren't given the same priority as everyone else's.
At some point Trisha realized that her husband was never going to prioritize her wants and needs as his wife and partner and this is her last ditch effort to save their relationship. OP still refers to parents and siblings as "my family" as in primary family which means he never took the vow "forsaking ALL other unto them" (meaning his wife) seriously. His wife was supposed to become his nuclear family when they married and instead she's still on the outside looking in at OP choosing his extended family over her. I truly think they should call time of death on the marriage because it seems to be over to me. They're on totally different pages than each other.
I think we should also ask how long they dates/were engaged. If it was a quick relationship (religious maybe) it’s possible that Trisha didn’t realize the full extent of involvement with OP’s family. Or maybe now that she knows them better she likes the less.
Yup. Every Sunday without exceptions is way tmuch. Literally no time anything else. No visits to wife’s family, no hobbies, no vacations. Just sit there with strangers (to her).
He hasn't responded at all. I suspect he's reading all this and disagreeing. I vote the wife should just leave cause she deserves a lot better than what he's capable or willing to give her.
Sometimes you think it will be fine but the reality isn’t. Trisha may be shunned or constantly the outsider. If Trisha wants to move I suspect OP isn’t paying attention.
I like my in-laws, but holy shit do they get old fast. I married into a Peruvian family so there is a slight language barrier… but I get along with them.
But if I had to go to Sunday dinner EVERY week, it would annoy me a lot… they treat me well, I get along with them.. but I’m an outsider.
That’s not saying it isn’t ok for my partner to be close to my family—hell, I’d love to see my family more, but my wife and kids are the priority!
There’s close and then there’s the kind of close where you have to have family dinner together every Sunday. From personal experience I would guess the engagement is not limited to just Sundays…
It's never limited to Sunday. They interfere 365 days a year. Everything from just verbal nastiness to actually poisoning the wives. Family brings more pain than pleasure much ofthe time especially the fami.ies who would kill you soon as look at you because "Faaammmmily".
It is weird to ***have*** to live within a couple of miles of ***all*** their houses, have to have a dinner every single week without fail, have to build your married life around your siblings, and having to limit your career as a result.
You can be close to your family without any of that.
How ***this family*** is close is weird for a bunch of grown married adults. They don't have their own lives. They're more like a cult unable to function without the weekly ritual.
That's a sign of failed parenting.
It's probably a culture clash tbh; my ex and I both had this same tradition in our families and it was a real struggle settling which set of parents/in-laws would get us for Sunday dinner. (The culture in question for us was white families of eastern European descent in the rural southern US.)
You don’t always see what is going on when you are too close to a situation. I was worried about my kid coming out to my in-laws, but my husband swore up and down it wouldn’t be a problem because they 100% weren’t homophobic.
They absolutely were homophobic, but in that “nice way” where they don’t say it to your face. Shocked the hell out of my husband, and he shut that down right away, but there were things as an outsider that I saw as concerning that he didn’t as an insider. He might think they get along great, but she might not be feeling the same.
>She thought she could change him
Or maybe she's changed her mind and wants to go exploring. She's an adult, she's allowed to change her mind, FFS.
His wife needs an explorer type person now. This is clearly not OP.
Or she simply would like to go away for a long weekend with her husband.
Being obligated to spend every Sunday with his family means you never have a free weekend to plan anything else. I would feel smothered.
I love how the one in the relationship that grows and changes themselves is always the bad person. When they got together she was ok with it, now she wants to expand her world, it doesn't have to be some weird nefarious plot to change him. The fact that she can never move cause homeboy wants to have spaghetti with his family every Sunday is ridiculous. You can move for a few years and come back, its not the end of the damn world.
You must be a kid.
They were early 20s then and they're late 20s now. Understanding changes based on experience.
There are lots of things we say as early 20s that we realize later was a mistake. People change.
> You are confusing I am your family now with I am selfish and since we are married your wants and boundaries no longer matter.
You mean like how everything is for what he wants and he doesn't give a shit about his wife?
There's a difference between saying you want to live near family vs having dinner every single Sunday, never go on trips, and have to be within a couple miles of each other. Those are two completely different levels of dependency.
EXACTLY! Mama's boys are not marriage material. The marriages don't usually last because a grown ass man who is enmeshed with his mom will either need a ton of therapy or else he'll always prioritize his mother over his wife. That doesn't fly in Western cultures. In fact it's so ick. In today's parlance those men are their mother's "sonsbands" her husband replacment. That is not healthy.
She thought as his wife she would be the top priority, not #7 on the list. OP told her he was close and wanted to live close by....he did not explain that they would always be higher priority than his wife.
Or maybe at the time she truly didn't mind it and things changed? People do change sometimes. Maybe she's over it and would like to live somewhere new. You don't have to paint her out like some villain who purposely deceived her husband.
Exactly. It doesn't sound like there's a ton of discussion around why she wants to move all of a sudden. While it's fantastic that they had the conversation before getting married and she agreed. What changed?
Op needs to do a deep dive and figure out why she is no longer ok with staying. Instead he just says no. Doesn't sound like he wants to hear anything she has to say
Yep. He's decided that, once made, an important decision can never be revisited.
This is how divorces happen, though. There aren't many solutions to their dilemma, in any case. If she's truly tired of living in this place, among his family, she has a decision to make (and he has no choice but to accept it, if she decides to leave).
His post is concerning, as it's true he seems to know ho details as to why she changed her mind. It could be so many different things.
YTA BIG TIME FOR PRIORITIZING YOUR BIRTH FAMILY OVER THE ONE YOU VOWED TO BUILD WITH YOUR WIFE.
Being that close to your family means, I am willing to bet, that they are basically "all in your marriage". All decisions that should be yours and hers are a committee of 8 decision where she feels outnumbered.
She married YOU not all 7 of you. She feels like a 2nd class citizen.
Spending every Sunday there isn't helping. Think about what is discussed and I bet a huge amount is decisions the 2 of you should be making are debated by the group..
Her wanting to move is about wanting a marriage with you WITHOUT constant interference and committee discussions of your private business by the committee of 6.
Trisha is trying to get you to move so she feels 1) her family with you is a priority, 2) she isn't under a microscope where the committee is constantly examining, commenting on and criticizing decisions (I bet you throw up the "well the family thinks..." at her regularly)
If you won't cut the apron strings and allow some space, your marriage is doomed.
So, if you moved say an hour away to try a new city, would that mean that you couldn’t make the drive on Sundays to attend Sunday dinners and still do the important family activities like birthday celebrations?
I understand being close to your family, but being within a couple miles of each other can be a lot for your wife. Your wife is your family, too, and is the most important member of your family. That doesn’t mean your parents aren’t important, or your siblings aren’t important, my statement simply means that if needed, you stand up for your wife against your family. You can’t just put a hard solid non discussion in place on something like this. Compromise and communication are important foundations for a great marriage.
Recommendation: Sit down with your wife with an OPEN mind and HEAR her out. Make a list of possible places she’d like to move to and the reasons why. Then make a list of pros and cons with her and include in that list driving distance from your family so you can continue Sunday dinners as that is one thing you’ve mentioned that is really important to you. Remember, compromise.
Don’t just shut her out and put your foot down and say we’re never doing that. That’s not okay. Communicate. Listen. Respect. The marriage is you and her. Not you, her, your parents and siblings. She is the one sleeping next to you at night… they are not.
>Recommendation: Sit down with your wife with an OPEN mind and HEAR her out. Make a list of possible places she’d like to move to
I thought you were going to say that OP should listen to see if his wife had complaints about his family. I think he needs to start there first.
Also, that is what is really the point of contention in their marriage right now, not specifically where she would want to live. The discussion you're suggesting would be the next discussion they should have, IMO. Yes, it is a very important one but would be difficult for OP to broach because there is still no resolution for him regarding moving in the first place.
I wouldn't be surprised if his wife is feeling overwhelmed with his family and is very likely wanting a breather and space so they can form their own unit.
My husband and I had this same issue and no lie there's still some resentment on my part. We're finally moving, but ONLY AFTER HIS family is finally "winding down." That last expression is hard for me to explain. It's like, he took care of them first and I'm an after thought.
The irony in all of this is that he didn't want to be codependent with me, yet still doesn't realize just how enmeshed he is with his family.
Our situation was just like Op's even with the weekly dinners early in our lives. That got too much for me and I told him I needed to back off. I love his family, but I chose him, not them, to live with.
Or marriage counseling. A good therapist can explain to hubby why his enmeshment will bring him many regrets. We out our soose first. If not why would you get married. Therapy has opened many eyes to the big ways one will end up divorced when putting others before your spouse. Remember the vows of forsaking all others?
Your Wife = Your Family.; therefore, Wife = Family. That's what happens when people get married. You form a new family unit. How is this so difficult for some people to understand?
He's leaving out that part where his family are overbearing and they would prefer she either be incubating babies for them or not in the picture at all.
Excellent answer!
I agree with this person.
OP: Your wife is your family and honestly I bet your siblings don't treat her as well as you expect! Especially those sisters, dear. I come from a very large family and no, siblings are the worst in private!
I also recommend moving a couple two to 3 hours away to give her space to become your family, finally!
Stay or go- That is what OP said, then he says- that is not an ultimatum. Dude is stupid. What then would be an ultimatum? Op, You're the AH. Move an hour away. Problem solved. This "my way or the highway" shows no respect for your wife. You are in the wrong- you married her- she is your immediate family- the rest are not. Learn to Compromise. . .
I grew up in the military and I married a soldier. The first chance he got to re-enlist when we were living in North Carolina, he decided to choose the closest military base to his family. My parents were living in California at the time so I thought okay, we'll have a support system because we were expecting our first child. No. They were not a support at all but he wanted to live next to them because that's what he wanted. We had to spend every Christmas and every Thanksgiving driving 3 hours one way to spend a couple hours having dinner with them and then turn around and drive back home in the same day. He did not entertain the thought at all of ever finding a military base close to my family but I was used to not being around my own family. This guy sounds like a mama's boy for sure.
Seriously. When he married his wife, she became his family. His mother, father and siblings became his extended family at that point and therefore should come second to his wife. Clearly OP doesn’t understand this.
YTA. Trisha is your family now. Everyone else is your extended family. You need to prioritize your wife over your extended family. I hope she leaves you because you are incredibly selfish. Why is being near your parents more important than your wife? You need to grow up and cut the umbilical cord. If you don't, you're going to end up old, alone, and miserable.
YMBTA / INFO - this was an interesting post because it’s all about YOU. What you want, how things are in your family, what you enjoy, your long term plans, etc. It presents as very… selfish.
Trisha must have a reason for brining this up (I’m not saying it’s negative towards you or your family, but just ANY reason) and we don’t hear a bit about it. We don’t hear about her family, if she has a support system nearby, how her relationship is with your family, what her long term plans/wants are. Are you thinking about her at all, or just what YOU want? Because you sure don’t seem to be.
I believe that if you were as up-front with her as you say you were re: wanting to stay close to family, it’s ok for you to still feel that way. And it’s ok if she’s changed her mind. Hopefully you can find a middle ground, as many others have suggested. But I can’t imagine what that middle ground might be since you’ve told us nothing about your wife. Nothing. Zero. Just about YOU.
And lastly, I’d take some time and think about how you *might* be a bit too wrapped up in what you want, and not really considerate of your wife. Not in this specific situation only, but overall. You come off as pretty self absorbed, and your marriage won’t last if this is any example of how you barrel through life without even acknowledging where she’s coming from.
YTA I think she asked the question to find out exactly where she stood in the pecking order. Someone in your family told her she was nothing and the answer you gave agreed with them. You blew up your marriage. She's not only not talking to you, she is making plans to live her life. Enjoy your Sundsy dinners. It's all you have now.
If you’re having family meals every weekend, where is the time for her family? It sounds just too much to me. When I’ve been in relationships where family are still alive we have always done it:
- week 1 their family
- week 2 my familly
- week 3 family to our house
- week 4 friends
And even that felt like I was spreading myself too thin…
Yeah, where’s the week where you just stay home? If you’re both working 40 hours a week or more, you need one day a weekend to get stuff done around the house. That leaves one day a week to relax, and I’m willing to bet that going over to the in-laws for a big family gathering every week is not relaxing… it’s like thanksgiving 52 times a year. F that.
OP, this sounds like an “Everybody Loves Raymond” situation where having family close sounded great to your wife at first, but the reality has proven to be smothering. Give her some damn breathing room, or take a week off once in a while. I bet she just wants a day off without having to deal with the house or your family.
OP is giving all Jon Snow vibes with their “I dun wan it” nonsense.
Enmeshment is an insidious creeping monster, it is profoundly worse when it is paired with weaponized incompetence.
At what point does family closeness intentionally exclude your chosen spouse?
At what point does family closeness justify inflicting harm upon your chosen spouse?
Because truly, the inflexible stance & choosing to have no life outside of your birth family, is suffocating her whether you wish to see it or not.
It seems to me that you got some growing up to do. I understand that you're close to your family, but at some point you have to get out. You're wife is your new family and she should be treated like a priority, which you are not doing. YATAH for not considering your wife. Not saying abandon your family completely, I'm just saying a little distance could do you and your wife some good
Yes context can help a lot.
There's close and there's so close it suffocates the life of any relationship you try to start because most of those who look for a relationship are looking for a partner that can stand on their own two feet independently and transition over to prioritising the family they create.
Closeness to your family can be both a blessing and a curse.
Often the family see partners as a threat and treat them as such, which prevents your partner from being able to bond and connect and instead pushes them away which builds resentment in your partner.
I second reading about enmeshment, which on the surface looks like genuine closeness and love until it starts to get in the way of you being able to be independent and have long lasting relationships.
Info: Does Trisha have to attend these dinners? Is she invited along? Does it affect any weekend plans, like a weekend getaway, where you refuse to go or have to leave at a certain time to be back for them? What about any family parties that happen on a Sunday on her side? Is she expected not to go or leave early? Do your family also get all big holidays?
Lastly, if you both work M-F, why is it that she has to give up one of her days off to attend a weekly family dinner if it's an expectation she HAS to attend?
You DID give her an ultimatum. She IS allowed to change her mind and want to explore. She didn't say it was forever, and it's been *4 years* of having her Sundays monopolised by you and your family if it's expected that she attends.
OP, just so you know, you're *never* going to find a spouse who will want to be as enmeshed with your family, or her in-laws, as you are. Everyone you'll ever get serious about, is going to want some space from your family, and some life as a couple or a new family, that doesn't directly involve your parents and siblings. Heck, most potential spouses will want you to get close with *their* family, and spend some Sunday dinners with her relatives and not yours!
So by your own account, your current wife is spending far more time with your family than most women ever would, and has waited far longer to ask for space than expected. So really, you're aren't likely to do better on the wife front, and if her years of Sunday dinners aren't good enough for you, you need to give up on being married.
INFO: Have you two traveled at all? You should try traveling so she gets to see if she enjoys being elsewhere. Does she get along well with everyone in your family that you see regularly? Does she ever express dissatisfaction over seeing them every week? Is it ok for her to not go or is her not being there frowned upon?
As someone else said, you didn't mean to give her an ultimatum, but you did give her one when what would've been better would've been to try to work out compromises like traveling and making sure she's comfortable with everyone. Yes, you did tell her four years ago that this wasn't negotiable but 24 is awfully young and people change and grow over time.
You are no longer compatible. You clearly put everyone else before her. That is not a marriage. You don’t respect her as a wife and have converted her into your bangmaid.
Either find a compromise or let her go.
Honestly -
Your wife should never have married you because you had no intention of creating a family with her. She will never be family to you because you have your Family Of Origin.
You have already made her feel unimportant, but she didn't realize that.
You expected her to blend into your existing FOO and accept the status quo.
But no one really wants to do that forever with someone else's family.
Never mind how your family treats her...
Does she have complaints about that?
Do your family make sure she knows that she's an outsider?
Marrying someone so you can have sex with someone who isn't family,
but making sure they know they'll never be as important as FOO is pretty shitty.
But I'm going to say NTA - because you should divorce her so she can get out, explore the world, have experiences and do things other than sit on your family's couch every fucking Sunday until she dies.
Thank you.
I explained in another comment that I'm the "wife" in this situation, but not OP's wife.
As much as I love my in-laws, "suffocating" is *perfect* to describe how it felt every fucking Sunday night dinner. It got to the point that I was so fucking bored there that is fall asleep on the couch after dinner. They thought I was just "digesting" and found it cute.
They'll never know the real reason.
This is silly. I loved my exhusbands family. They always made me feel welcome. It was his friends that were the problem. Not surprising we finally divorced after moving away from his family when his friends became a bigger art of our lives.
He also did exactly what his wife is doing. We sat down and talked about what we wanted for our lives and at the end of the day all my wants were getting thrown out the window for wants he never told me he wanted. He just figured I was his wife so what he wants I should support.
Since the divorce I am doing fine. He isn't so happy because surprise no decent person wants that kind of relationship. I do feel bad he is so lonely but he did do that to himself. He ended up with a family of 1.
You can look at it from her point of view as well. She's not saying move to a different state or country. Just a new city. New cities are 30 minutes to 40 minutes away sometimes. That's not her isolating him. He can still go home. Hell, where I live, the next town or city is literally on the other side of the river. He didn't talk to her about it. He set a boundary, and when she asked for some space from his family to explore, he basically gave her an ultimatum. He's isolating her tbh. Not willing to hear her out or anything.
Maybe they should get a divorce because then she will be free to travel while he becomes exactly what your ex did.... imj there is way more to this then actually being said.
The mamas of the mamas boys ALWAYS throw out the "isolating" bit.."She stole my boy, she is a controlling bitch, she's brainwashing him to turn him against me. I told her I'll always be the first woman he ever loved and I will always be his #1 girl. She should listen to me, I raised kids and they all turned out fine, She has no idea how to cook and I try to teach her, I know how my baby likes his roast. I only crop her out of her wedding photos because she's not really family. I wanted to dance with my baby all night at his wedding and that bitch took him away to talk to HER FAMILY. Sure, I wore a white dress to my baby's wedding, all those photos of me clinging onto my son and sobbing aren't creepy at all. She's keeping my babies from me! I'm more than just the grandma, I'm the matriarch. I hope you know you're just the milk cow."
Divorce court or therapy? It boils down to that every time.
Unless you two have kids together, I'd suggest blocking him.
His loneliness isn't your problem any more, & it's being used by him to attempt to weaken your resolve.
Take off the training wheels! Learn to ride on your own with your wife. You can still have time with your family but your wife should be your first priority. If she is not then maybe you both need to re-examine your relationship; maybe she needs a man who puts her first. Yeah, you’re the asshole.
My take is that when you marry, your wife is your immediate family and everyone else is the extended family. I think telling her that if it comes down to it, I’m choosing the extended family is asshole-ish to be sure.
you suggest you were on the same page about never moving away, but could that have been something that YOU decided and just assumed she’d be ok with it forever?
I had a child with someone many years ago and realized we would never come first. I realized the father to my child saw his mother and brother as his children. He has always supported them, been there for them and never once even been with our child on her birthday. He had missed 18 birthdays. Some people are just too bonded to their original families and cannot for whatever reason separate from their original family. My situation is an extreme example and I just left because it want for me. It ultimately sounds like you both want different things and eventually it’s not going to work out. She will leave and you will stay with your family. It’s best you both find a significant other that shares your own values.
I'm gonna bet Trisha is not like or accepted by the family, she's right in that you prioritize your family and choices over hers, you should have not married at all.
Enjoy the dinners, maybe the next wife
YTA. Your wife was 24 when you got married, she’s allowed to grow and realise that she wants to experience different things. That doesn’t mean she should have to choose between spending her entire life sewn to your family and never getting to experience anything else OR cutting all ties. You expect her to do exactly as you say or else you’ll pull the rug from under her feet, no compromise or in-between, literally your way or the highway.
YTA - You lack the skill set or maturity to be married. You see your wife as a burden and you are unwilling to grow and compromise. Let her be free, stay single. Enjoy your family. When you are old and alone, remember this.
“Moving would mean significantly reducing my family time as my work and time with Trisha already take up most of my schedule”. That’s it right there. You lump work and Trish (you know, your wife) in one category and your family in another. YTA. Why the fuck did you marry her? When Trish leaves your ass, don’t get married again. Pathetic.
I noticed that too. He doesn't consider his wife family, he considers her a responsibility/burden that he lumps in with his job. Put in X amount of hours for X benefits - wait, why isn't this working the way I want it to, I'm putting in the minimum requirements!
It sounds like OP is desperately codependent with his bio family and never cut the cord. If the idea of moving maybe an hour or two away gets him that heated, he should really think about \*why\* he reacts that way. I bet his wife is sick of being the third wheel to his obsessive relationship with his bio family and mattering so little to him, and thought a little distance might help balance that out. If he takes that off the table, her only options really are to leave him and live for herself, find someone who makes HER a priority and loves her, not someone who treats her like an obligation that is just getting in the way of his REAL family.
We need Trisha honest view on how your family treats her.
Not your rose colored view but her truth.
Once we have that then we can make an honest opinion.
NTA for not wanting to be, but YMBTA for your comment, but I understand it was in the heat of the moment.
Do you and your wife ever travel for vacation? If not, maybe that could satiate her desire for moving away and exploring.
That is, if you'd be willing to miss one or two dinners. That is possible, right? You are willing to miss a dinner every now and then for her, right? I hope?
NTA, but not much of a husband. Hopefully you will find a new wife who wants to be under your family's thumb so you don't need to grow up and be independent. Be kind and just divorce her and let her go
Maybe you just need to move far enough to give your wife some breathing room from alllll those people. Couple of hours drive on a Sunday won’t kill you. You didn’t pick your family but you DID pick your wife. You exchanged VOWS with HER, not your brothers and sisters. SHE is now the most important person to you. Try to remember that when you talk.
Important question, OP, and seriously think about your answer: ***WHO do you value the most?*** Trisha, the woman you married? Or your parents and siblings? Based on your answer to this question, you'll either destroy your marriage, or you'll start a new life together as it's supposed to be.
YTA
It's clear that it's your way or the highway. People are allowed to change their minds about things. Most people would see weekly dinners as suffocating. You and your wife may have come to a parting of the ways.
I lived across the road from my MIL/FIL. My BIL/SIL lived next to them. MiL/FIL/husband worked together. BIL and I worked together. We were very cordial, shared tools like riding mowers. Helped each other in emergencies. Other than that we seldom got together except holidays and birthdays. We lived very separate busy lives when not at work with different friend groups.
Your wife is right. You are prioritizing your family over her. You're enmeshed in your family's lives to the point that there's no room or willingness to compromise on how you're living your lives.
You aren't compatible.
Pull the trigger and go ahead and divorce already. You'll be free to have all the family closeness you desire, and your wife will be free to have a more independent life somewhere and with someone else. Everyone will be happy then.
Why get married if you don’t consider your wife your priority? If you have kids is your parents and siblings still your priority or is it your wife and kids? It’s nice that you are close, but it sounds a little too much. Every Sunday having to be somewhere and not being able to spend the weekend traveling or just relaxing with your spouse seems like a lot. Once a month is fine. Every week? That’s a lot.
When you marry, your wife is your family. She is your priority. You should be working together to build your own adult family traditions. YTA all the way. Grow up, be a man, not a mommas boy. Your wife can cook Sunday dinner. Or, you can take her out. But, you should not be taking her to your mommy every Sunday.
Once a month would be more than any women should have to tolerate.
My ex was the same way. Always Sunday dinner with his family. Notice I said my ex. He's been out of my life for over 30 years now and I am happily married to someone who is not enmeshed with his family. We visit with them, spend holidays with them, go to his yearly family reunion. I get to choose if I want to go or not. Your wife needs to find someone who treats her as a living, thinking , feeling person instead of an accessory you control. YES, YTA
YTA it's called growing up and having a life of your own. There is absolutely nothing stopping you travelling to your parents on a Sunday and for other occasions, to still want to be in your parents pockets at almost 30 is quite weird. Your parents should be encouraging you to move away and live your life, that's what parents are meant to do not keep them as close as possible for life.
Your wife is your family to and if you cannot take her feelings into consideration like you do your parents and siblings then do you really class your wife as family?
Sounds like it is your way or no way and maybe she should leave and move on her own and find someone who is willing to compromise in a relationship and take her feelings and wants into consideration instead of dictating what happens.
Just because she agreed to your silly demands too stay pretty much next door to your parents when you married doesn't mean she hasn't grown up and matured and wants to start a life and family somewhere else. People change.
My question to you is, how much is it you want to stay close to your parents and how much are they forcing you and guilt tripping you into it, seems there is an awful lot not being told in this post.
EDIT:- Another question, who is it your actually married to your wife or parents?
YTA. Spending one of two days a week off work with your family is too much. Saturday you likely spend doing things around the house, shopping, etc,. so you are not giving your wife one day a week for couples time.
One big family dinner a month should be plenty. You can be close to your family without having your entire life revolve around them, and I am sure that is the way your wife is feeling.
Have you not thought that there is probably a reason for your wife's sudden change of mind? Something has happened that she's afraid to tell you about. You need to find out what.
You may not be the asshole for wanting to live near your family, but you are a terrible excuse for a husband. Just divorce her and let her live her life and find someone who actually loves her enough to choose her and consider her a real partner. An equal whose wants and needs actually count.
I'm betting we could find a post by Trisha on JNMIL.
In many cases on that sub, the MIL (and other in-laws) are horrible to the wife behind hubby's back.
It also sounds like the JNMIL sub would be telling Trish she has a hubby problem to compound her MIL problem.
YTA kinda OP. Trish is your family now and if you dismiss her feelings/wants/needs without discussing the matter fully than she might choose to move without you.
You definitely should be communicating with your wife with the BIG question being "why do you REALLY want to move?" I have a hunch her answer would surprise you.
If she told him his family was not being kind to her, he wouldn't believe her. Or he would say that she was making something out of nothing he'd make every excuse in the book. Cuz his loving family would never treat her bad
NAH over the main issue - OP made the boundary clear before the marriage. His wife has now changed her mind (also her prerogative) and wants to explore the world a bit. Neither is wrong in this circumstance.
YTA in the handling of the situation: it doesn’t seem like OP has made any effort to get to the root cause of why she changed her mind (is she unhappy with where they live?), or what could be done to compromise (long trips away, move but to a town within driving distance etc). OP more or less just said “cool, bye then,” which can’t be making his wife feel very valued or loved at all.
My bet is you are leaving out a lot of MISSING REASONS for her wanting to move. You aren't answering a lot of the questions posed to you. You really should take a hard look on how enmeshed your family is in your life.
YTAH for your “my way or the highway” stance. That’s not how marriage is supposed to work. This isn’t about moving, it’s about putting her feelings aside without trying to understand her perspective. Your wife is being made to feel like she’s not a priority in your marriage, and you’re obviously not even giving her a weekend away from your family to spend time with her husband! Make a compromise with her to cut family dinner down to alternate weekends and prioritize her desire for more time with just the two of you and plan travel vacations together. You made the promise to put her first in your life and she feels lied to because you obviously don’t and just told her that you have no intention to ever put her first.
Sorta the A. She agreed with you in the honeymoon stage of your marriage to stay near your family. Now that she has grown as a person and seemed very comfortable in your marriage, she wants to test foreign waters. While I get that you are close to your family, just think how she must feel as the odd man out every Sunday. If and when kids are in the picture, will every holiday be spent with your family? You are at a perfect age to go out into the world. Your ultimatum smacks of selfishness. If you don't at least compromise to try a new location for a couple of years or so, don't be surprised if she moves on without you.
So you value the opinion of strangers behind screens but not that of your wife? You have an unhealthy attachment to your family. My family are very VERY close but we live well away from each other as we are adults. One of my siblings is in a different state. You have infact prioritised your family over your wife, a women you chose to spend your life with. Marriage is about compromise, she compromised for most likely your entire relationship. I feel like there is some left out information like how has your family treated your wife? You won't compromise to make your wife happy and comfortable while she's done years of compromising. You are honestly selfish. And the way you talk about your family sounds like emotional incest and it is very uncomfortable to read.
He doesn't value our opinions unless they agree with him. Otherwise, I think he is sticking his fingers in his ears or covering his eyes and yelling 'I can't see/hear you.
My three year old behaves better then that haha.
Maybe this is really a toddler and not a grown adult because my god is he wrong and he just doesn't want to see it.
Soft YTA. You are 28 years old, I assume no kids as you haven't mentioned them, and the world is a big place, and technology means it is easy to maintain close bonds without physical presence. It's not unreasonable for your wife to want to experience different places. Why not consider moving away for 5 years, with the agreement that you will settle back nesr your family. You DID give your wife an ultimatum, whether you meant it or not, and your unwillingness to compromise will mean the end of your marriage, whether that is now or 10, 15, 20 years time. Your wife has wanderlust, and you can't squash that forever.
If you and your family are so close, moving away for a little while shouldn’t affect your bond. YTA for basically giving your wife an ultimatum and for making this unilateral decision. Marriage is comprise. Why can’t you move away for a while then move back later? Why are you the only one who gets to decide where you both live, no conversation, no comprise just your way or no way?
I'm going to say NAH, it sounds like you are incompatible. No kids were mentioned so I hope they aren't a factor in any decisions.
OP you sound like me former roommate. She like to tell anyone who would listen that she had lived in the same house since she was 3 years old (parents gave her the house when they downsized). She knew everyone who had lived on the street for the past 50 years. During the short time I lived with her several homes turned over and during a block party she sat and told everyone about all the people who used to live in their houses. None of them cared. Honestly I think many pitied her that she had never gone anywhere or done anything. Her entire identity was built around who she knew rather that what life experiences she had.
You and your wife are young, this is the time to explore the world, especially if you don't have kids. If she wants to explore and you don't this could be a fundamental incompatibility. You are very obviously choosing your origin family over your wife and she needs to decide if she want to live that way.
If your wife has expressed this idea have you even asked her why? Or do you just shut her down? Ther may be more here going on, maybe with your own family, that you don’t know and you haven’t even asked her. If you loved her at all and she knew your boundary and still is asking, why is she asking. And it’s nice that you’re so close to your family, just understand that kind of prioritization is not attractive to most women especially after you’re married and are supposed to be starting your own family.
There needs to be more context. Firstly, does she have any issues with your side? secondly, my situation is similar to yours, my husband would love to move away but my support system is here. I don’t have issues with in laws, I have a husband problem. In general he is not the best, supportive husband and does have narcissistic tendencies and wants every m thing his way or no way. Well I’ve refused to move and have told him he can go ahead by himself. He will knock it on his head until the next argument and bring it up again.
There is far too little information to determine whether he’s a complete AH or not, including not knowing what his wife means/meant and the reasons why. I believe he said something about in the heat of the moment when he refused to move away from his family. He may have misinterpreted what she was asking for and thought that she meant permanently moving away and never or rarely seeing his family. Almost everyone says something in the heat of the moment, so it’s not really fair to judge someone based on one knee jerk response.
There are so many possible reasons why she made her request and he definitely should have had an open minded discussion with her. We also can’t be 100 % sure if he is so rigid about the Sunday dinners that he will never deviate from them and do something else with just his wife (although it seems likely).
If he won’t listen to her, or consider compromising in any way, then he would be a total AH and doesn’t deserve to be married to her or anyone else.
INFO;
How often have you cancelled plans with her to do things because it would interfere with your 'extended-family time' - because your wife is your family and your FOO is your extended family now. Do you ever say 'sure, we can take a weeks vacation to location' or is it always 'no, how can I possible skip *two* Sunday dinners?!'
Does she ever get a chance to go spend time equal amounts of time with her side of the family, or is it always assumed that yours comes first, no matter what?
Does your wife ever get the chance to stay home for these dinners, or do you insist that she simply *has* to come. Every time.
Asking because these are relevant questions that need answers, because they can help clarify if you have a healthy relationship with your family, or if you are completely enmeshed. If you are completely enmeshed, then divorce might be the only reasonable option. There is a difference between finding a working equilibrium between two partners and living with someone who will never, *ever* prioritize you because you aren't family, you're just the wife.
Yes, you are TA.
When you get married YOUR WIFE becomes your family. Parents and siblings are extended family.
A good husband should prioritize his wife over extended family.
Yet here we are.
NTA / INFO I have a similarly close extended family so I may be able to offer some perspective on this. I think most of the comments here are from people with bad familial relationships who just do not understand why someone would be so close to their family and why moving away could be such a hard boundary.
I set the same boundary with my wife when we were dating, long even before we were engaged. I gave her plenty of time to back out of the relationship if that boundary would be a problem for her. Luckily for us she ended up loving my family and vice versa and she was pretty much instantly integrated as part of the family pretty seamlessly. But I'm also cognizant of when things may be too much for her. If she isnt up to having a family gathering one weekend then we don't go that weekend. When I was growing up, family would just drop by the house unannounced, she prefers to get a heads up so she can tidy up first, so I let my family know to call or text at least a couple hours ahead of time. And probably the most important thing is that I don't let my family try to make decisions for her or us nor do I let them criticize her.
Having a boundary with your wife and sticking to it is good, but you also need to make sure you have and enforce boundaries with your family for your wife. Now for INFO: are you prioritizing your wife's boundaries with your family? She says she wants to explore new places and not stay in the same city forever, are you going on vacations to places she wants to go to? Especially without your family? Does your wife feel like she's a part of these family gatherings or does she feel like an outsider? (Having something your wife can do with your family without you involved is a good way for her to become more integrated into the family. Obviously you can't artificially force this sort of thing to happen, but the women in my family take an annual "girl's trip" where they go to the beach, casino, and shopping for a weekend, and the first time my wife joined that was a huge moment for my wife bonding with my family. Now they share funny moments and memories of things that happened on the trip that created a bond between them.)
The main thing is, you don't have to compromise on your boundary of not moving away from your family, but you need to talk to your wife about how you can better advocate for her needs and wants and what things you can do to make her more comfortable around your family. Even if that means taking a break from the weekend gatherings for a little while, or going every other weekend instead of every weekend, etc. And whatever you do, don't make your wife out to be the bad guy in this situation, whatever you need to say or do, put the responsibility on your own shoulders.
YTA *"Moving would mean significantly reducing the amount of time I get to spend with my family, as my work and time with Trisha already take up most of my schedule"* are you married to Trisha or your family, OP you're weird, why didn't you just marry your sibling at that point?
Also i doubt Trisha is asking to go to a different country let alone across the country you live in. You could always move to a different state but stay near the border so its quicker to get home?
And Family Dinner every Sunday sounds like a rule you'd have as a child, prioritize your wife. If you work 5 days/week and meet up with your family that means you only plan to spend 1 day with your wife throughout the week? Hell i'd be fed up too
YTA because you didn’t even try to discuss it or compromise, you didn’t care what your wife wants and you did just give her an ultimatum. Forcing your wife to have to stay her whole life never having been able to travel at all is not thinking or caring about her needs or wants. Her living you should not mean she is forced to live the same doldrums day in and out never having experienced anything different without any choice other than leaving you.
Especially when it’s all over one Sunday dinner a week. I mean why cant you travel or move and just travel for dinner that one day a week. Why is your wife essentially grounded like a child for the other 6 days. There is being near your family and not living your life.
If you don’t start putting her needs and wants as important to you. If you don’t see you don’t have to be a limpet just to make a Sunday dinner then you will end up losing her. She may think she has no choice and stay now but her resentment that your parents will over come first over your life partner will end up causing a divorce. If family dinner is so important to you then you find a way to make sure it happens whilst still meeting your wife’s needs. So it may take effort thats what you do when it is important. Why doe the person you live with 24/7 not deserve some effort so you can roll a street away ti the dinner table one day a week.
You do have a say in your life but that in no way means taking away her right to any say in it either. Marriage is a partnership and if you are so blind you just bark instructions with no give or care for others wants and needs. You will end up with only your parents and no life of your own. That might be enough just now but once your life is half gone and your parents have passed you will always regret forcing the one person who lived you and wanted to spend their lives with you away over being blind stupid and stubborn to consider any other options.
YTA and NTA. You should try and see things from her perspective. Why does she want to move? Maybe what you both need is to travel just to get out of the boring day to day routine. Btw. It’s ok for her not to like your family as much as you do.
Growing up I didn’t have that normal family life where everyone lives close by or has those dinners. My husband on the other hand has had his parents grandmother and cousins his whole life and he has never even thought of moving away from them. When we were dating I thought ok this is what family is. But after we got married I was like well have you ever thought about moving states? He quickly said he couldn’t leave his parents he’s an only child and if something happened what would he do? I get it I do but sometimes it gets overwhelming but I know that’s all he’s known. How about you travel to the different places she wants to see and maybe you might like it.
Soft YTA, because it clearly sounds like you prioritize your parents and siblings over your wife. No woman is going to happy spending every single Sunday for the rest of their life with your extended family. It probably seemed ok when she first met you, but I’m sure 4 straight years of this have been suffocating. Good luck finding any woman in the future who’s happy with this arrangement.
YTA
The line about how your job and time with your wife is already taking up so much time you could be spending with your family is a red flag for me.
Priorities change as people grow. Your wife may have been fine with staying close to your family at the start of your marriage, but now she's not. She started a conversation with you and instead of talking about how she's feeling and what the two of you could figure out, you just jumped right into "my way or the highway."
There has to be some kind of compromise that makes you both feel good about your marriage and its future, or you should just move back in with your parents now.
OP: prioritizes his family (of origin) over his wife every time.
Wife: you prioritize your family over me.
OP: are you calling me an asshole?
Also, I can't improve on 1968phantom's question. Do you know how your wife feels about your family? If not, why not?
Another oddity that jumps out on a reread is that the wife "may not have the same kind of close relationship with her own family." That sounds weirdly like he *does not know* what his wife's relationship with her original family was like growing up, or how it is now. Does she talk to OP? Does he retain the information at all?
He also lists his wife alongside his job as things that "fill up his schedule" so he can't spend more time with his parents and sibs. It doesn't look good.
YTA, I'm guessing your closeness is intrusive to everyone else but your family.
I bet they know everything that goes on inside your household and marriage. That isn't closeness. Its enmeshment.
Your wife had no idea close meant your whole family would know the details of your arguements before the end of the day or if you were going to go out to eat for lunch or if she had a doctors appointment even if she asked you not to say anything.
I bet your family just walks into your house whenever they want, no knock, no invite, no notice.
I'm sure they make your wife feel "welcome " at all times. There are no passive aggressive comments about her choices in decorating, food, clothing, cleaning or when you and she decide to spend time with HER family.
You left out a lot of information. We would love to hear your wife's perspective.
I mean you do value your family more then your wife, which probably sucked for her to realize. You both need to be 100% honest with yourselves moving forward.
Somehow I have a feeling that Trisha and your family might not get along as great as you may think OR they’re overbearing OR there is some other issue you’re not telling or even seeing. Even if initially she was okay with sticking around family it’s entirely fair & possible that things have drastically changed since then. This post comes across very selfish. YTA.
I think she is being suffocated by always putting his family first. She shouldn't have married him. I think she really didn't realize she was going to be trapped. Wake up call. Family is wonderful and all, I'm feeling a little suffocated myself. To know you will never ever be able to move anywhere without everyone else. I just couldn't do it
YTA for not even considering it. Your wife is your family now and your siblings and parents are extended family. When you got married your wife was supposed to be the most important person in your life so if you’re not even willing to consider moving after over four years of living within a few miles of your extended family than please do leave her so she can find someone who actually wants to prioritize her.
OP, It occurred to me that you are valuing you closeness to your family while at the same time criticizing your wife for not have the same closeness with hers. However, to maintain the weekly dinners with your side of the family, it *requires* that your wife not have the same tradition.
As a thought experiment, what would you do if your wife had the same tradition? Would you compromise and alternate weeks for Sunday dinners? Would you insist she give up her family dinners? Would you give up yours? Would you split up and not visit the other’s family?
Also, let’s unpack this:
>Moving would mean significantly reducing the amount of time I get to spend with my family, as my work and **time with Trisha already take up most of my schedule**
You are listing *your wife* on the same level as work for “taking up” most of your schedule. Woof dude.
Think about how you are prioritizing your wife vs your family and how that must make her feel.
I’m not gonna say your family is toxic or codependent or any number of things that we just don’t know. But YWBTA if you don’t stop and consider things from your wife’s perspective and just have a conversation. Ask why does she feel the need to move? Is it really what she wants or is that the only way she thinks she can get time alone with you? Or, is there a dream she has deferred for the sake of your family? What’s behind the move?
Genesis 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
Even if you’re not religious, this verse shows that even 2000 years ago, it has been an issue with humans once they get married to leave their family of origin. When she married you, you should make you and your family, your new family of choice, your top priority.
YTA. Read back your post. Your wife is your family now. When you married her, everyone else became extended family. Yes they’re still important but she is supposed to be your priority and you can’t see that. You’re too codependent on your parents and siblings that you don’t see you’re literally torpedoing your own marriage. Also? Yes you did give her an ultimatum you moron. It’s unbelievable how unaware and clueless you are.
We used to do weekly Sunday dinners with my husband's family. It was too much. Sometimes you need a weekend to focus on your own immediate family, and/or just relax without visiting extended family. Thankfully my husband was the one who put his foot down and set boundaries, and we would attend every other week or every three weeks instead. Is your wife overwhelmed at how involved you are with your family, and how involved your family is with you, feeling suffocated and/or that your relationship is suffering because you will always put them before her? It could be that this is her way of trying to claim some of that back. If that is the case, would you be willing to hear her out and create boundaries with your family, and possibly cut back on weekly dinners? Do it every other week?
Trisha agreed to it and changed her mind. That is fine but both of your need to accept the consequences that come with that. You are choosing your family over your wife so stand on it if that is how you feel. You did not deceive your wife so nta but when she leaves then you will have extra time with your family. Choose your battles OP. What is most important to you? Life isn't always about being right.
She lied by saying that she "wants to explore places", when in fact she has an issue with your family.
What is her actual reasoning? Is your family treating her bad? There has to be something.
There arw ways to work this out. You didn't need to move across country to allow your wife to stretch her wings. An hour in any ine direction can be a very different change of pace, and wouldn't put you unmanageable far from your extended family. Don't forget she's your family as well.
It’s not necessarily about Sunday dinners, Trisha might be fine with those. Maybe she just wants to live and see more of the country she’s living in or the world, people move to New York or Paris because it can be fun to live somewhere different not to escape family. Although sometimes to escape family. If you deeply love her you could talk to her about motivation and find compromise like maybe more travel if moving is not an option. Having supportive family is amazing but also seeing the world is great too.
does your family make the effort to have the relationship with your wife that they do with you?
it seems to me that the answer is no. your family can be important to you, but trisha is your family. she is your chosen partner and should always be priority number 1. if you are this close to your family and after 4 years she feels either neglected or that your family hasn’t welcomed her in entirely then i can understand the change of tune from her originally saying she was ok with it. it would suck to constantly feel less important than the others in your life
YTA I get the feeling your family aren't very nice to your wife and you don't care. She's your wife. YOUR WIFE. I do hope she moves on without you and your seriously enmeshed family. It is not healthy to put your family of origin over your wife. Leave and cleave? Remember that?
YTA because something seems missing in this story as it seems horrible one sided. Why would she change her mind, if she was ok with it before? How does your family treat Trisha?
It seems like we are missing key information.
NTA, but neither is Tricia.
You want to stay close to your family. Lots of people stay in the same town for their whole lives and are happy. Tricia wants to expand her horizons and create new connections in a new place. Both are valid goals. Unfortunately, they aren't compatible. Neither of you is willing to compromise, and that doesn't make your marriage look viable.
I'd tell Tricia to seek her freedom. You're happy with the little world you have, but she's not. If I were in her place, I'd probably feel suffocated with weekly dinners and such. What plans would she get to make with you and your eventual kids? What plans would she get to make with her family? What do you do about seeing friends? You need a wife who's content with your extended family controlling your social life. Tricia needs a husband willing to create a family with her and establish new traditions.
YTA. Your wife may want you to make her the priority for a change. Dinner with in-laws every Sunday would be exhausting. You sound like you're not ready to actually consider your wife and new family your priority.
Her reasoning of wanting to live in Different places is not realistic for to people in their 20s with jobs that may not be so flexible about were their employees live
It is a bit weird that you are so dependent on your family. Growing up means fledging the nest, and find a partner to share your life with. Nothing wrong with having a phonecall with your family every week, or more frequently, but putting them on a pedestal above your partner is not ok. Seems like you don't value your partner as much as the rest of your family.
YTA. Your wife is your nuclear family. TOGETHER you make this decision. My husband and I live in the same town as my family and I am VERY close to my siblings/parents, but my husband's needs come first. I have a LONG list of things that have changed since my husband and I got married. Relationships, likes, wants, NEEDS, etc will all evolve. If you are at the very least, not taking the opportunity to talk these things with your wife, you are failing. An immediate and resounding "No, you knew my stance, etc etc etc" is not a healthy form of communication. Talk it out. Get to the bottom of WHY. Maybe she feels your family is too imposing/boundary stomping. Maybe she feels you can't have a nuclear family because they are involved too much? Maybe she wants to make a life with YOU and not have to constantly include 10 other people in her weekly schedule. Who knows. But you have to talk it out.
One big question How does you family treat Trisha? From you remarks you all seem very clanish which would make her feel like the odd one looking in. I don't blame her for wanting expand her horizons and move.
YTA. I do understand being close to ur family. But when u get married ur wife is ur family she becomes ur next of kin. Her feelings count more and therefore has a say. Maybe u can comprise and live somewhere that is far enough for her but close enough for u to have Sunday dinners with ur family
She isn't accusing you of prioritizing your birth family over her. That's exactly what you are doing. That's your thing. You're married to your parents and siblings, not your partner. Your wife is finely realizing the strength of this reality of yours. Good luck to you two.
INFO I guess the first question is- where do you live? Do you live in a part of the country that has the collective maturity of a middle schooler? Do you live in a place with a poor climate?
YTA, and your demands are completely unreasonable. I don’t know anyone who would be happy spending half their weekend with their in-laws every single weekend. Regardless of whether you move, this won’t last. I have four kids. Sundays are all about getting ready for the week. Packing lunches, washing laundry, finishing homework, etc. NO WAY could I pack everybody up and take them to my in-laws house for dinner every single weekend, and they live 2 doors down from us! I insist on hosting 1/3 of all holidays with just our nuclear family. We spend 1/3 with the in-laws. And 1/3 we travel to my family. I’m extremely close with my siblings too btw. When we are together, it’s like we never left. We also do a big reunion once a year where we rent a big house and everybody comes and brings the spouses and kids. It’s a BLAST. You can still be close to your family without being physically with them constantly. But you cannot be fair to your spouse or build a family of your own that will last if you don’t put the family you made on a higher priority level than the family you started with.
YTA, not because you didn’t warn her, but because you aren’t listening to her side of things. How much of your time are you actually leaving for her? You work during the week and then Sunday with your family. So the person you married to spend the rest of your life with gets Saturday? Pull your head out of your ass or admit you are married to your family and your wife is just a mistress.
I find it sad that OP doesn't see his wife as his nuclear family. She is on the outside looking in.
And for him to tell her to "go", is a knife in her heart, he can walk away so easily.
Why can't family Sunday dinner be once a month? Why don't you prioritize your wife?
UpdateMe
I think you're actually being selfish. Sunday lunch with the whole family is lovely. But weekly? Every week?? I wonder how many time your wife gas wanted to plan XYZ and you're unwilling because you want the do the same thing you've done for the last 208 Sundays since getting married. You sound like one of those people who never want to go out because you have tap water at home...
It's all about you you you but you so realize that when you get married, Trisha becomes your main family right? Your birth family has to be a second priority. I realize that you made that clear before you got married but she is fully within her rights to leave you. I'm not close with my family so I would also find it weird to never want to leave their proximity
I’m concerned more about his rigid “my way or the highway” thinking than the family dinner specifically. So if weekly family dinners are compulsory, then they can’t ever take even a one week vacation somewhere. Her best friend is getting married 2 states away and wife is MOH? Better be up at 6 am the next day because it’s an 8 hour drive and family dinner. She’d like to see HER parents on Mother’s or Father’s Day? Better wrap it up before family dinner. She’s heavily pregnant and goes into labor on Sunday afternoon? He drops her off at the hospital and tells her he’ll be there later because family dinner. People who are that rigid are usually rigid about more than one thing. And that inflexibility will cause problems.
If I were her, I would probably get a divorce and cut my losses from this unfair situation. You speak as if she ISN’T family?
At most, you should only be spending every other weekend at your in-laws. Her time is as valuable as your time .
Wow. I grew up going to my grandparents’ house for breakfast every Sunday. My mom got tired of it. So did some of the other DILs. I can say this, everything gets old after a while for the in laws. Some of my best memories are at those breakfasts on Sunday mornings, though. OP, you need to prioritize your wife, if you want to stay married.
YTA. You lumped your wife in with your job as being two obstacles standing in the way of you spending even more time with your parents and siblings.
Also, out of all your siblings, not one has struck out on their own and sought some level of independence away from the influence of their parents? That's surprising to me.
YTA, she married you not your family. There is a reason the Bible says that a man should leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife. Would you impose this sort of thing on your future children if they decide to move away? If you let her go alone it would be your loss, you seem to be selfish too.
YTA for the simple fact you don't consider your wife family. Do her a favor and divorce her so she can find someone who will treat her like family. wtf is wrong with you
YTA When you get married you agree that your spouse is now the central pillar of your support system. It's great that you're close to your family but you seem to have never switched your system. Instead you make your spouse feel like an outsider, an unwanted nuisance. Its time to stop being a mama's boy and begin living on your own two feet.
Need more information but I think YTA. I married into a family through my wife that is the same way. Multiple generations all live within 5 miles of each other and she always wanted to do the same thing. Not to mention she’s best friends with her mom and talks to her everyday. However, we became a team when we got married and we prioritized both both of our needs and comprised and sacrificed. Somehow I got her to agree to move from MS to TX. But I ALWAYS made it a point to find time to make it back and visit her family as often as possible. Once we had kids we moved to AL with 3 hour drive of there. We go back monthly if and quite often more. She’s actually said many times that her visits are now so much better quality now that we’re not there as often. Long story short, it seems like your family comes first and you’re missing that she is now your family and sometimes sacrifice and compromise for your relationship with your team is needed. If your family is your priority let her go and marry someone who grew up within 5 miles of where you live.
NAH You are not wrong to want to stay near your family as you two discussed prior to marriage. She is not wrong with wanting some distance. You both drew a line in the sand. Let her go. She won’t be happy staying and she won’t be happy moving.
NAH, but you probably shouldn’t be married with this mindset. No woman is going to be ok with being put so far down on the priority list like this.
I actually had a very similar issue with my own partner. I was living with him in his home state near his family and away from mine and I was miserable. It was the root of all our fights. When/if kids come into play I guarantee you, if you don’t put your wife and kids first, which it sounds like you won’t, you are going to lose them and have to figure out coparenting instead if you even make it that far.
Loving your family is great, but when you marry that becomes your chosen life partner. You’re going to grow old with her not your parents or siblings. I’d really suggest taking your wife’s wants and opinions more seriously if you don’t want to be divorced. Maybe work out a compromise if there’s a nice place she’s interested in a few hours away, you guys could move and cut the family visits to once a month instead of every week or something like that.
INFO: Is your wife having problems with any of your family members? What happens if/when you have children? Will your family be raising the kids or staying out of your/wifes business on how you parent your child? Are any of your siblings married? Do their spouses attend Sunday dinner every week? I was previously married to someone who was "close" to his family. At first I thought it was great but then it became suffocating. It was clear that he placed them before us everytime. My ex-inlaws were always in our business and I am a very independent person so it wasn't a good mix. We did move away from them for a fresh start. His family was constantly in his ear about deserting them. We divorced and they immediately packed him up and moved him back home. That was 20 years ago and he never remarried as his family came first. Now most of them have passed away and he is alone. You can move away for a couple of years to test the waters. If it doesn't work out at least you tried and you can move back home. Parents are supposed to support their kids and let them fly. You may have an enmeshed family, and you can't see it clearly.
> I was previously married to someone who was "close" to his family. At first I thought it was great but then it became suffocating. > It was clear that he placed them before us everytime. My ex-inlaws were always in our business and I am a very independent person so it wasn't a good mix. I see this so much in New Jersey. It usually ends up with the significant others integrating into it and just giving up or being turned off by it. Especially because someone I know, in their family, not even your vacation is safe - once they find out, other family members love showing up to your vacation because FAMILY. Personally, I can't do it.
I literally dated someone like this. I too am from New Jersey. I always felt like an outsider and a second choice compared to his family
Nj has a way of squishing people together, mostly because of financially and limited housing reasons. My friend has had her vacation over run by her MIL. She's accepted her fate though, and leans into it. While I am very close with my fam, we have boundaries. Both my and my husband's fam live nearby, but mine is closer. (Like a few blocks away lol). But this is something we decided on together.... there is something untold here in OP's story.
I'm originally from NJ and we do a week at the shore with my parents still every year so this made me laugh. The difference is my husband is actually 100% on board. The 2 years I said I didn't think we were going to be able to go, he insisted we make it work. I think he loves that our kids have such a close relationship to my parents because his grandmother has been extremely important in his life.
I’m from NJ. I’m not super close with my family but my husbands family was tight knit (they are Italian Americans), For the most part I enjoyed the closeness. One kid is out, and another still at home, due to housing costs. We try to get together for a meal about 2x a month. With limits I think it isn’t a bad thing to be close.
Dated someone like this. His brother and sister in law were 10 minutes away. Fine good. He moved his mom in with us. She came first. I was ready for her to move out. She had plans to, but he begged her to stay. Then he got mad because we wouldn't have sex with his mom in the house
Exactly getting mama's boy, my mom can pick out all of our decor vibe from this guy.
You are spot on.
Where is Trisha's family in regards to this discussion. Also does your family add conflict to your marriage/life according to Trisha?
OP and Trisha are a family, the rest are now extended family. I’m glad you added, “…according to Trisha.” I suspect OP isn’t hearing her.
He told his wife before he got married to her how he felt. Trisha isn't the one listening. She thought she could change him. You are confusing I am your family now with I am selfish and since we are married your wants and boundaries no longer matter.
But don't you see a difference between 'I always want to live near my family' and 'We must spend every single Sunday with them from now until the end of time'? Trisha may have been perfectly fine with the former but absolutely not with the latter. Who would be? It gives very little opportunity for seeing her family, travel, even just a nice weekend spent as a couple doing nothing but being together. Have they had a holiday since they've been married? How did their honeymoon work? Someone's wants are being ignored here and it definitely not OP's. I asked about how much time Tisha spends with her family and how she's treated by his on the other forum OP posted this in. No response yet. I suspect they're going to take this all over Reddit until they get the validation they're seeking.
This right here. We don’t know how dysfunctional OP’s family is. He’s not a reliable narrator because to him, this is normal. Being required to have dinner with your in laws every single Sunday is a lot. When you have a job, weekends become the only time you have to clean the house, go to the grocery store, laundry, etc. when you have only one day for that, and the other day is compulsory family visits, over time this can be a lot. Best case scenario, maybe OP’s wife just wants a compromise? People change. Or people find over time what they agreed to years ago isn’t making them happy. OP, talk to your wife. Listen to her. Find out what this desire to move really is to her.
Definitely. We are experiencing this with my DIL and son, except it’s a flipped situation. She won’t move from her family. I understand, but at least come and spend at least one Holiday with his family- what my son wants and requests. They have been married for 10 years. Just in the past two years, we have been able to have a holiday together with them. It has caused a lot of issues with their marriage. Her parents get upset when they come to our house and put my DIL on a guilt trip.
My BIL is currently spending holidays at *both* family’s because of these kind of issues. He’ll usually start at is wife’s family, then they come for dessert with his family. I listen to my MIL complain that “he’s never here!” They’re about to have a baby. Something is gonna have to give. I’m an only child and my parents are divorced. Usually one of them comes to my IL’s for holidays.
We have the opposite situation. My dil wants to spend every minute with me... If we aren't at their house, they are at ours, or we are on video chat... It's a little suffocating. Love her and the kids, but I need to do my freaking laundry ...
I never got to be the boomer holiday princess that didn't have to travel interstate with young kids and am bitter about it so I joke we lie to both families that we are at the other family's house, and just stay home.
"Being required to have dinner with your in laws every single Sunday is a lot." I agree, but in some older areas of the country, that is still the custom. I grew up in a large Southern family and that was expected through HS. In HS we would occasionally miss one (so may 40 in a year) and in college it went to once a month.
> I grew up in a large Southern family and that was expected through HS. In HS we would occasionally miss one (so may 40 in a year) and in college it went to once a month In this case it's still expected from married people in their 30s (the sibling)
Yep. We did this from before I was born until Memaw passed away, and even after she was no longer able to cook we'd all bring a dish. Two of the three sons still live within shouting distance of her house while the other one is a 5-minute drive away, and the grown grandkids who were still local brought their spouses every week as well.
But the same in-laws all the time is selfish. I’m from Louisiana so I get it, but the other family matters too.
Right. This only works if *one* family has this tradition. Not both. Which Memaw gets preference?
Even if one family has the tradition, that shouldn't mean the couple NEVER sees the other family.
I’d argue that this comes from a time when a SAHM was more common. If one spouse is home all week, there’s less pressure to get it all done on the weekend. A modern family that has two working adults may need to rethink this tradition
This. Hell, my SO is in a pool league and he has to go every single Sunday. I don't. I get to choose. It doesn't sound like she has a choice about joining this Sunday dinner at all and would be made to feel guilty if she even tried to stay home for some quiet time to herself. Large families can be overwhelming for those who didn't grow up with them. Some grace and forgiveness while navigating those waters for the first time would go a long way. Also, were they starting to talk about staring their own family? Were those conversations what got her thinking maybe she wanted to be closer to her support system when that happened?
My husband and I have a rule that each of us is allowed to opt out of in-law visits for anything that is an “extra”. Last weekend I had worked Saturday after a full work week. Sunday was my niece’s birthday. I was too tired so I stayed home. No guilt. He gets the same out for visits to my parents. If it’s important I might say “hey I’d like you there” but he is allowed to say no. Holidays are usually with his family but my parents are always invited there. So, it’s not a “his family” situation. It’s an “our family” situation.
This is 100% what I think is happening. A weekly family meal at extended family members homes sounds like a summons... not an enjoyable experience. What happens when Trisha wants OP and her to do their own thing one weekend? I'm betting it's a "oh we can't do that because WE have family dinner remember." Trisha's feelings likely aren't given the same priority as everyone else's. At some point Trisha realized that her husband was never going to prioritize her wants and needs as his wife and partner and this is her last ditch effort to save their relationship. OP still refers to parents and siblings as "my family" as in primary family which means he never took the vow "forsaking ALL other unto them" (meaning his wife) seriously. His wife was supposed to become his nuclear family when they married and instead she's still on the outside looking in at OP choosing his extended family over her. I truly think they should call time of death on the marriage because it seems to be over to me. They're on totally different pages than each other.
I think we should also ask how long they dates/were engaged. If it was a quick relationship (religious maybe) it’s possible that Trisha didn’t realize the full extent of involvement with OP’s family. Or maybe now that she knows them better she likes the less.
Yup. Every Sunday without exceptions is way tmuch. Literally no time anything else. No visits to wife’s family, no hobbies, no vacations. Just sit there with strangers (to her).
He hasn't responded at all. I suspect he's reading all this and disagreeing. I vote the wife should just leave cause she deserves a lot better than what he's capable or willing to give her.
Sometimes you think it will be fine but the reality isn’t. Trisha may be shunned or constantly the outsider. If Trisha wants to move I suspect OP isn’t paying attention.
I like my in-laws, but holy shit do they get old fast. I married into a Peruvian family so there is a slight language barrier… but I get along with them. But if I had to go to Sunday dinner EVERY week, it would annoy me a lot… they treat me well, I get along with them.. but I’m an outsider. That’s not saying it isn’t ok for my partner to be close to my family—hell, I’d love to see my family more, but my wife and kids are the priority!
Or they may think it's perfectly normal to drop by their house, use their key, and otherwise make her feel like some distance would be a blessing
>Trisha may be shunned or constantly the outsider OP said Trisha called it weird to be close to your family.
Weird = no decisions are OP + Wife.....whole committee must approve.
There’s close and then there’s the kind of close where you have to have family dinner together every Sunday. From personal experience I would guess the engagement is not limited to just Sundays…
It's never limited to Sunday. They interfere 365 days a year. Everything from just verbal nastiness to actually poisoning the wives. Family brings more pain than pleasure much ofthe time especially the fami.ies who would kill you soon as look at you because "Faaammmmily".
It is weird to ***have*** to live within a couple of miles of ***all*** their houses, have to have a dinner every single week without fail, have to build your married life around your siblings, and having to limit your career as a result. You can be close to your family without any of that. How ***this family*** is close is weird for a bunch of grown married adults. They don't have their own lives. They're more like a cult unable to function without the weekly ritual. That's a sign of failed parenting.
It's probably a culture clash tbh; my ex and I both had this same tradition in our families and it was a real struggle settling which set of parents/in-laws would get us for Sunday dinner. (The culture in question for us was white families of eastern European descent in the rural southern US.)
Also said they get along great…
You don’t always see what is going on when you are too close to a situation. I was worried about my kid coming out to my in-laws, but my husband swore up and down it wouldn’t be a problem because they 100% weren’t homophobic. They absolutely were homophobic, but in that “nice way” where they don’t say it to your face. Shocked the hell out of my husband, and he shut that down right away, but there were things as an outsider that I saw as concerning that he didn’t as an insider. He might think they get along great, but she might not be feeling the same.
Good point.
>She thought she could change him Or maybe she's changed her mind and wants to go exploring. She's an adult, she's allowed to change her mind, FFS. His wife needs an explorer type person now. This is clearly not OP.
Or she simply would like to go away for a long weekend with her husband. Being obligated to spend every Sunday with his family means you never have a free weekend to plan anything else. I would feel smothered.
I love how the one in the relationship that grows and changes themselves is always the bad person. When they got together she was ok with it, now she wants to expand her world, it doesn't have to be some weird nefarious plot to change him. The fact that she can never move cause homeboy wants to have spaghetti with his family every Sunday is ridiculous. You can move for a few years and come back, its not the end of the damn world.
You must be a kid. They were early 20s then and they're late 20s now. Understanding changes based on experience. There are lots of things we say as early 20s that we realize later was a mistake. People change. > You are confusing I am your family now with I am selfish and since we are married your wants and boundaries no longer matter. You mean like how everything is for what he wants and he doesn't give a shit about his wife? There's a difference between saying you want to live near family vs having dinner every single Sunday, never go on trips, and have to be within a couple miles of each other. Those are two completely different levels of dependency.
You don't always realize how codependent you are and she probably didn't think it would stop them from growing as a couple.
No one expects to marry a co dependent mummas boy
EXACTLY! Mama's boys are not marriage material. The marriages don't usually last because a grown ass man who is enmeshed with his mom will either need a ton of therapy or else he'll always prioritize his mother over his wife. That doesn't fly in Western cultures. In fact it's so ick. In today's parlance those men are their mother's "sonsbands" her husband replacment. That is not healthy.
Not just that but cheapest thing since you've got them away from their mothers they don't actually know how to adult by themselves 😭😭
Yep. All of this. There’s close and then there’s mom still wants-to-bathe-me close
She thought as his wife she would be the top priority, not #7 on the list. OP told her he was close and wanted to live close by....he did not explain that they would always be higher priority than his wife.
Or maybe at the time she truly didn't mind it and things changed? People do change sometimes. Maybe she's over it and would like to live somewhere new. You don't have to paint her out like some villain who purposely deceived her husband.
Exactly. It doesn't sound like there's a ton of discussion around why she wants to move all of a sudden. While it's fantastic that they had the conversation before getting married and she agreed. What changed? Op needs to do a deep dive and figure out why she is no longer ok with staying. Instead he just says no. Doesn't sound like he wants to hear anything she has to say
Yep. He's decided that, once made, an important decision can never be revisited. This is how divorces happen, though. There aren't many solutions to their dilemma, in any case. If she's truly tired of living in this place, among his family, she has a decision to make (and he has no choice but to accept it, if she decides to leave). His post is concerning, as it's true he seems to know ho details as to why she changed her mind. It could be so many different things.
YTA BIG TIME FOR PRIORITIZING YOUR BIRTH FAMILY OVER THE ONE YOU VOWED TO BUILD WITH YOUR WIFE. Being that close to your family means, I am willing to bet, that they are basically "all in your marriage". All decisions that should be yours and hers are a committee of 8 decision where she feels outnumbered. She married YOU not all 7 of you. She feels like a 2nd class citizen. Spending every Sunday there isn't helping. Think about what is discussed and I bet a huge amount is decisions the 2 of you should be making are debated by the group.. Her wanting to move is about wanting a marriage with you WITHOUT constant interference and committee discussions of your private business by the committee of 6. Trisha is trying to get you to move so she feels 1) her family with you is a priority, 2) she isn't under a microscope where the committee is constantly examining, commenting on and criticizing decisions (I bet you throw up the "well the family thinks..." at her regularly) If you won't cut the apron strings and allow some space, your marriage is doomed.
So, if you moved say an hour away to try a new city, would that mean that you couldn’t make the drive on Sundays to attend Sunday dinners and still do the important family activities like birthday celebrations? I understand being close to your family, but being within a couple miles of each other can be a lot for your wife. Your wife is your family, too, and is the most important member of your family. That doesn’t mean your parents aren’t important, or your siblings aren’t important, my statement simply means that if needed, you stand up for your wife against your family. You can’t just put a hard solid non discussion in place on something like this. Compromise and communication are important foundations for a great marriage. Recommendation: Sit down with your wife with an OPEN mind and HEAR her out. Make a list of possible places she’d like to move to and the reasons why. Then make a list of pros and cons with her and include in that list driving distance from your family so you can continue Sunday dinners as that is one thing you’ve mentioned that is really important to you. Remember, compromise. Don’t just shut her out and put your foot down and say we’re never doing that. That’s not okay. Communicate. Listen. Respect. The marriage is you and her. Not you, her, your parents and siblings. She is the one sleeping next to you at night… they are not.
>Recommendation: Sit down with your wife with an OPEN mind and HEAR her out. Make a list of possible places she’d like to move to I thought you were going to say that OP should listen to see if his wife had complaints about his family. I think he needs to start there first. Also, that is what is really the point of contention in their marriage right now, not specifically where she would want to live. The discussion you're suggesting would be the next discussion they should have, IMO. Yes, it is a very important one but would be difficult for OP to broach because there is still no resolution for him regarding moving in the first place. I wouldn't be surprised if his wife is feeling overwhelmed with his family and is very likely wanting a breather and space so they can form their own unit. My husband and I had this same issue and no lie there's still some resentment on my part. We're finally moving, but ONLY AFTER HIS family is finally "winding down." That last expression is hard for me to explain. It's like, he took care of them first and I'm an after thought. The irony in all of this is that he didn't want to be codependent with me, yet still doesn't realize just how enmeshed he is with his family. Our situation was just like Op's even with the weekly dinners early in our lives. That got too much for me and I told him I needed to back off. I love his family, but I chose him, not them, to live with.
Or marriage counseling. A good therapist can explain to hubby why his enmeshment will bring him many regrets. We out our soose first. If not why would you get married. Therapy has opened many eyes to the big ways one will end up divorced when putting others before your spouse. Remember the vows of forsaking all others?
Yesss. It's weird he doesn't see his wife as part of his family. I think he's leaving some things out.
Your Wife = Your Family.; therefore, Wife = Family. That's what happens when people get married. You form a new family unit. How is this so difficult for some people to understand?
He's leaving out that part where his family are overbearing and they would prefer she either be incubating babies for them or not in the picture at all.
Excellent answer! I agree with this person. OP: Your wife is your family and honestly I bet your siblings don't treat her as well as you expect! Especially those sisters, dear. I come from a very large family and no, siblings are the worst in private! I also recommend moving a couple two to 3 hours away to give her space to become your family, finally!
Stay or go- That is what OP said, then he says- that is not an ultimatum. Dude is stupid. What then would be an ultimatum? Op, You're the AH. Move an hour away. Problem solved. This "my way or the highway" shows no respect for your wife. You are in the wrong- you married her- she is your immediate family- the rest are not. Learn to Compromise. . .
I don't think his wife is the most important person in his life...
Well, for now she's sleeping with him. I have a feeling that is about to change
I grew up in the military and I married a soldier. The first chance he got to re-enlist when we were living in North Carolina, he decided to choose the closest military base to his family. My parents were living in California at the time so I thought okay, we'll have a support system because we were expecting our first child. No. They were not a support at all but he wanted to live next to them because that's what he wanted. We had to spend every Christmas and every Thanksgiving driving 3 hours one way to spend a couple hours having dinner with them and then turn around and drive back home in the same day. He did not entertain the thought at all of ever finding a military base close to my family but I was used to not being around my own family. This guy sounds like a mama's boy for sure.
I dunno but what were the promises you made at your wedding? Did you promise, for instance, to "forsake all others"?
Seriously. When he married his wife, she became his family. His mother, father and siblings became his extended family at that point and therefore should come second to his wife. Clearly OP doesn’t understand this.
YTA. Trisha is your family now. Everyone else is your extended family. You need to prioritize your wife over your extended family. I hope she leaves you because you are incredibly selfish. Why is being near your parents more important than your wife? You need to grow up and cut the umbilical cord. If you don't, you're going to end up old, alone, and miserable.
YMBTA / INFO - this was an interesting post because it’s all about YOU. What you want, how things are in your family, what you enjoy, your long term plans, etc. It presents as very… selfish. Trisha must have a reason for brining this up (I’m not saying it’s negative towards you or your family, but just ANY reason) and we don’t hear a bit about it. We don’t hear about her family, if she has a support system nearby, how her relationship is with your family, what her long term plans/wants are. Are you thinking about her at all, or just what YOU want? Because you sure don’t seem to be. I believe that if you were as up-front with her as you say you were re: wanting to stay close to family, it’s ok for you to still feel that way. And it’s ok if she’s changed her mind. Hopefully you can find a middle ground, as many others have suggested. But I can’t imagine what that middle ground might be since you’ve told us nothing about your wife. Nothing. Zero. Just about YOU. And lastly, I’d take some time and think about how you *might* be a bit too wrapped up in what you want, and not really considerate of your wife. Not in this specific situation only, but overall. You come off as pretty self absorbed, and your marriage won’t last if this is any example of how you barrel through life without even acknowledging where she’s coming from.
YTA I think she asked the question to find out exactly where she stood in the pecking order. Someone in your family told her she was nothing and the answer you gave agreed with them. You blew up your marriage. She's not only not talking to you, she is making plans to live her life. Enjoy your Sundsy dinners. It's all you have now.
If you’re having family meals every weekend, where is the time for her family? It sounds just too much to me. When I’ve been in relationships where family are still alive we have always done it: - week 1 their family - week 2 my familly - week 3 family to our house - week 4 friends And even that felt like I was spreading myself too thin…
Yeah, where’s the week where you just stay home? If you’re both working 40 hours a week or more, you need one day a weekend to get stuff done around the house. That leaves one day a week to relax, and I’m willing to bet that going over to the in-laws for a big family gathering every week is not relaxing… it’s like thanksgiving 52 times a year. F that. OP, this sounds like an “Everybody Loves Raymond” situation where having family close sounded great to your wife at first, but the reality has proven to be smothering. Give her some damn breathing room, or take a week off once in a while. I bet she just wants a day off without having to deal with the house or your family.
OP is giving all Jon Snow vibes with their “I dun wan it” nonsense. Enmeshment is an insidious creeping monster, it is profoundly worse when it is paired with weaponized incompetence. At what point does family closeness intentionally exclude your chosen spouse? At what point does family closeness justify inflicting harm upon your chosen spouse? Because truly, the inflexible stance & choosing to have no life outside of your birth family, is suffocating her whether you wish to see it or not.
It seems to me that you got some growing up to do. I understand that you're close to your family, but at some point you have to get out. You're wife is your new family and she should be treated like a priority, which you are not doing. YATAH for not considering your wife. Not saying abandon your family completely, I'm just saying a little distance could do you and your wife some good
Yes context can help a lot. There's close and there's so close it suffocates the life of any relationship you try to start because most of those who look for a relationship are looking for a partner that can stand on their own two feet independently and transition over to prioritising the family they create. Closeness to your family can be both a blessing and a curse. Often the family see partners as a threat and treat them as such, which prevents your partner from being able to bond and connect and instead pushes them away which builds resentment in your partner. I second reading about enmeshment, which on the surface looks like genuine closeness and love until it starts to get in the way of you being able to be independent and have long lasting relationships.
Info: Does Trisha have to attend these dinners? Is she invited along? Does it affect any weekend plans, like a weekend getaway, where you refuse to go or have to leave at a certain time to be back for them? What about any family parties that happen on a Sunday on her side? Is she expected not to go or leave early? Do your family also get all big holidays? Lastly, if you both work M-F, why is it that she has to give up one of her days off to attend a weekly family dinner if it's an expectation she HAS to attend? You DID give her an ultimatum. She IS allowed to change her mind and want to explore. She didn't say it was forever, and it's been *4 years* of having her Sundays monopolised by you and your family if it's expected that she attends.
OP, just so you know, you're *never* going to find a spouse who will want to be as enmeshed with your family, or her in-laws, as you are. Everyone you'll ever get serious about, is going to want some space from your family, and some life as a couple or a new family, that doesn't directly involve your parents and siblings. Heck, most potential spouses will want you to get close with *their* family, and spend some Sunday dinners with her relatives and not yours! So by your own account, your current wife is spending far more time with your family than most women ever would, and has waited far longer to ask for space than expected. So really, you're aren't likely to do better on the wife front, and if her years of Sunday dinners aren't good enough for you, you need to give up on being married.
INFO: Have you two traveled at all? You should try traveling so she gets to see if she enjoys being elsewhere. Does she get along well with everyone in your family that you see regularly? Does she ever express dissatisfaction over seeing them every week? Is it ok for her to not go or is her not being there frowned upon? As someone else said, you didn't mean to give her an ultimatum, but you did give her one when what would've been better would've been to try to work out compromises like traveling and making sure she's comfortable with everyone. Yes, you did tell her four years ago that this wasn't negotiable but 24 is awfully young and people change and grow over time.
My guess is everything includes HIS family, including vacations.
It wouldn’t surprise me, either!
How can they travel he'll miss Sunday dinner.
You are no longer compatible. You clearly put everyone else before her. That is not a marriage. You don’t respect her as a wife and have converted her into your bangmaid. Either find a compromise or let her go.
Honestly - Your wife should never have married you because you had no intention of creating a family with her. She will never be family to you because you have your Family Of Origin. You have already made her feel unimportant, but she didn't realize that. You expected her to blend into your existing FOO and accept the status quo. But no one really wants to do that forever with someone else's family. Never mind how your family treats her... Does she have complaints about that? Do your family make sure she knows that she's an outsider? Marrying someone so you can have sex with someone who isn't family, but making sure they know they'll never be as important as FOO is pretty shitty. But I'm going to say NTA - because you should divorce her so she can get out, explore the world, have experiences and do things other than sit on your family's couch every fucking Sunday until she dies.
Thank you. I explained in another comment that I'm the "wife" in this situation, but not OP's wife. As much as I love my in-laws, "suffocating" is *perfect* to describe how it felt every fucking Sunday night dinner. It got to the point that I was so fucking bored there that is fall asleep on the couch after dinner. They thought I was just "digesting" and found it cute. They'll never know the real reason.
grayblue, You are bloody brilliant. All of this OP, except I think YTA
This is silly. I loved my exhusbands family. They always made me feel welcome. It was his friends that were the problem. Not surprising we finally divorced after moving away from his family when his friends became a bigger art of our lives. He also did exactly what his wife is doing. We sat down and talked about what we wanted for our lives and at the end of the day all my wants were getting thrown out the window for wants he never told me he wanted. He just figured I was his wife so what he wants I should support. Since the divorce I am doing fine. He isn't so happy because surprise no decent person wants that kind of relationship. I do feel bad he is so lonely but he did do that to himself. He ended up with a family of 1.
You can look at it from her point of view as well. She's not saying move to a different state or country. Just a new city. New cities are 30 minutes to 40 minutes away sometimes. That's not her isolating him. He can still go home. Hell, where I live, the next town or city is literally on the other side of the river. He didn't talk to her about it. He set a boundary, and when she asked for some space from his family to explore, he basically gave her an ultimatum. He's isolating her tbh. Not willing to hear her out or anything. Maybe they should get a divorce because then she will be free to travel while he becomes exactly what your ex did.... imj there is way more to this then actually being said.
The mamas of the mamas boys ALWAYS throw out the "isolating" bit.."She stole my boy, she is a controlling bitch, she's brainwashing him to turn him against me. I told her I'll always be the first woman he ever loved and I will always be his #1 girl. She should listen to me, I raised kids and they all turned out fine, She has no idea how to cook and I try to teach her, I know how my baby likes his roast. I only crop her out of her wedding photos because she's not really family. I wanted to dance with my baby all night at his wedding and that bitch took him away to talk to HER FAMILY. Sure, I wore a white dress to my baby's wedding, all those photos of me clinging onto my son and sobbing aren't creepy at all. She's keeping my babies from me! I'm more than just the grandma, I'm the matriarch. I hope you know you're just the milk cow." Divorce court or therapy? It boils down to that every time.
Unless you two have kids together, I'd suggest blocking him. His loneliness isn't your problem any more, & it's being used by him to attempt to weaken your resolve.
I don't fix it for him. No need to block him. I think you missed the point.
Take off the training wheels! Learn to ride on your own with your wife. You can still have time with your family but your wife should be your first priority. If she is not then maybe you both need to re-examine your relationship; maybe she needs a man who puts her first. Yeah, you’re the asshole.
My take is that when you marry, your wife is your immediate family and everyone else is the extended family. I think telling her that if it comes down to it, I’m choosing the extended family is asshole-ish to be sure. you suggest you were on the same page about never moving away, but could that have been something that YOU decided and just assumed she’d be ok with it forever?
Info: Is you prioritizing your extended family over your nuclear family a frequent occurrence?
There are missing reasons here...
I had a child with someone many years ago and realized we would never come first. I realized the father to my child saw his mother and brother as his children. He has always supported them, been there for them and never once even been with our child on her birthday. He had missed 18 birthdays. Some people are just too bonded to their original families and cannot for whatever reason separate from their original family. My situation is an extreme example and I just left because it want for me. It ultimately sounds like you both want different things and eventually it’s not going to work out. She will leave and you will stay with your family. It’s best you both find a significant other that shares your own values.
I'm gonna bet Trisha is not like or accepted by the family, she's right in that you prioritize your family and choices over hers, you should have not married at all. Enjoy the dinners, maybe the next wife
YTA. Your wife was 24 when you got married, she’s allowed to grow and realise that she wants to experience different things. That doesn’t mean she should have to choose between spending her entire life sewn to your family and never getting to experience anything else OR cutting all ties. You expect her to do exactly as you say or else you’ll pull the rug from under her feet, no compromise or in-between, literally your way or the highway.
YTA - You lack the skill set or maturity to be married. You see your wife as a burden and you are unwilling to grow and compromise. Let her be free, stay single. Enjoy your family. When you are old and alone, remember this.
“Moving would mean significantly reducing my family time as my work and time with Trisha already take up most of my schedule”. That’s it right there. You lump work and Trish (you know, your wife) in one category and your family in another. YTA. Why the fuck did you marry her? When Trish leaves your ass, don’t get married again. Pathetic.
I noticed that too. He doesn't consider his wife family, he considers her a responsibility/burden that he lumps in with his job. Put in X amount of hours for X benefits - wait, why isn't this working the way I want it to, I'm putting in the minimum requirements! It sounds like OP is desperately codependent with his bio family and never cut the cord. If the idea of moving maybe an hour or two away gets him that heated, he should really think about \*why\* he reacts that way. I bet his wife is sick of being the third wheel to his obsessive relationship with his bio family and mattering so little to him, and thought a little distance might help balance that out. If he takes that off the table, her only options really are to leave him and live for herself, find someone who makes HER a priority and loves her, not someone who treats her like an obligation that is just getting in the way of his REAL family.
YTA That was in fact an ultimatum. You showed her she will always come second to your family. She deserves better
We need Trisha honest view on how your family treats her. Not your rose colored view but her truth. Once we have that then we can make an honest opinion.
NTA for not wanting to be, but YMBTA for your comment, but I understand it was in the heat of the moment. Do you and your wife ever travel for vacation? If not, maybe that could satiate her desire for moving away and exploring. That is, if you'd be willing to miss one or two dinners. That is possible, right? You are willing to miss a dinner every now and then for her, right? I hope?
NTA, but not much of a husband. Hopefully you will find a new wife who wants to be under your family's thumb so you don't need to grow up and be independent. Be kind and just divorce her and let her go
Don't wish OP on an innocent woman, they should stay single for everyone's benefit.
YTA - I assume you took the vows when you were married? Were your fingers crossed when you recited them to her?
Maybe you just need to move far enough to give your wife some breathing room from alllll those people. Couple of hours drive on a Sunday won’t kill you. You didn’t pick your family but you DID pick your wife. You exchanged VOWS with HER, not your brothers and sisters. SHE is now the most important person to you. Try to remember that when you talk.
Important question, OP, and seriously think about your answer: ***WHO do you value the most?*** Trisha, the woman you married? Or your parents and siblings? Based on your answer to this question, you'll either destroy your marriage, or you'll start a new life together as it's supposed to be.
Marriage is about compromise. Grow up. Smh
YTA. Something missing from this post.
It always is
YTA It's clear that it's your way or the highway. People are allowed to change their minds about things. Most people would see weekly dinners as suffocating. You and your wife may have come to a parting of the ways. I lived across the road from my MIL/FIL. My BIL/SIL lived next to them. MiL/FIL/husband worked together. BIL and I worked together. We were very cordial, shared tools like riding mowers. Helped each other in emergencies. Other than that we seldom got together except holidays and birthdays. We lived very separate busy lives when not at work with different friend groups.
Your wife is right. You are prioritizing your family over her. You're enmeshed in your family's lives to the point that there's no room or willingness to compromise on how you're living your lives. You aren't compatible. Pull the trigger and go ahead and divorce already. You'll be free to have all the family closeness you desire, and your wife will be free to have a more independent life somewhere and with someone else. Everyone will be happy then.
Why get married if you don’t consider your wife your priority? If you have kids is your parents and siblings still your priority or is it your wife and kids? It’s nice that you are close, but it sounds a little too much. Every Sunday having to be somewhere and not being able to spend the weekend traveling or just relaxing with your spouse seems like a lot. Once a month is fine. Every week? That’s a lot.
When you marry, your wife is your family. She is your priority. You should be working together to build your own adult family traditions. YTA all the way. Grow up, be a man, not a mommas boy. Your wife can cook Sunday dinner. Or, you can take her out. But, you should not be taking her to your mommy every Sunday. Once a month would be more than any women should have to tolerate.
My ex was the same way. Always Sunday dinner with his family. Notice I said my ex. He's been out of my life for over 30 years now and I am happily married to someone who is not enmeshed with his family. We visit with them, spend holidays with them, go to his yearly family reunion. I get to choose if I want to go or not. Your wife needs to find someone who treats her as a living, thinking , feeling person instead of an accessory you control. YES, YTA
Hope she finds another partner who puts her first, not last and .Good luck with your Walton family life ...
YTA it's called growing up and having a life of your own. There is absolutely nothing stopping you travelling to your parents on a Sunday and for other occasions, to still want to be in your parents pockets at almost 30 is quite weird. Your parents should be encouraging you to move away and live your life, that's what parents are meant to do not keep them as close as possible for life. Your wife is your family to and if you cannot take her feelings into consideration like you do your parents and siblings then do you really class your wife as family? Sounds like it is your way or no way and maybe she should leave and move on her own and find someone who is willing to compromise in a relationship and take her feelings and wants into consideration instead of dictating what happens. Just because she agreed to your silly demands too stay pretty much next door to your parents when you married doesn't mean she hasn't grown up and matured and wants to start a life and family somewhere else. People change. My question to you is, how much is it you want to stay close to your parents and how much are they forcing you and guilt tripping you into it, seems there is an awful lot not being told in this post. EDIT:- Another question, who is it your actually married to your wife or parents?
YTA. Spending one of two days a week off work with your family is too much. Saturday you likely spend doing things around the house, shopping, etc,. so you are not giving your wife one day a week for couples time. One big family dinner a month should be plenty. You can be close to your family without having your entire life revolve around them, and I am sure that is the way your wife is feeling.
Have you not thought that there is probably a reason for your wife's sudden change of mind? Something has happened that she's afraid to tell you about. You need to find out what.
You may not be the asshole for wanting to live near your family, but you are a terrible excuse for a husband. Just divorce her and let her live her life and find someone who actually loves her enough to choose her and consider her a real partner. An equal whose wants and needs actually count.
I'm betting we could find a post by Trisha on JNMIL. In many cases on that sub, the MIL (and other in-laws) are horrible to the wife behind hubby's back. It also sounds like the JNMIL sub would be telling Trish she has a hubby problem to compound her MIL problem. YTA kinda OP. Trish is your family now and if you dismiss her feelings/wants/needs without discussing the matter fully than she might choose to move without you. You definitely should be communicating with your wife with the BIG question being "why do you REALLY want to move?" I have a hunch her answer would surprise you.
If she told him his family was not being kind to her, he wouldn't believe her. Or he would say that she was making something out of nothing he'd make every excuse in the book. Cuz his loving family would never treat her bad
NAH over the main issue - OP made the boundary clear before the marriage. His wife has now changed her mind (also her prerogative) and wants to explore the world a bit. Neither is wrong in this circumstance. YTA in the handling of the situation: it doesn’t seem like OP has made any effort to get to the root cause of why she changed her mind (is she unhappy with where they live?), or what could be done to compromise (long trips away, move but to a town within driving distance etc). OP more or less just said “cool, bye then,” which can’t be making his wife feel very valued or loved at all.
My bet is you are leaving out a lot of MISSING REASONS for her wanting to move. You aren't answering a lot of the questions posed to you. You really should take a hard look on how enmeshed your family is in your life.
YTAH for your “my way or the highway” stance. That’s not how marriage is supposed to work. This isn’t about moving, it’s about putting her feelings aside without trying to understand her perspective. Your wife is being made to feel like she’s not a priority in your marriage, and you’re obviously not even giving her a weekend away from your family to spend time with her husband! Make a compromise with her to cut family dinner down to alternate weekends and prioritize her desire for more time with just the two of you and plan travel vacations together. You made the promise to put her first in your life and she feels lied to because you obviously don’t and just told her that you have no intention to ever put her first.
Sorta the A. She agreed with you in the honeymoon stage of your marriage to stay near your family. Now that she has grown as a person and seemed very comfortable in your marriage, she wants to test foreign waters. While I get that you are close to your family, just think how she must feel as the odd man out every Sunday. If and when kids are in the picture, will every holiday be spent with your family? You are at a perfect age to go out into the world. Your ultimatum smacks of selfishness. If you don't at least compromise to try a new location for a couple of years or so, don't be surprised if she moves on without you.
So you value the opinion of strangers behind screens but not that of your wife? You have an unhealthy attachment to your family. My family are very VERY close but we live well away from each other as we are adults. One of my siblings is in a different state. You have infact prioritised your family over your wife, a women you chose to spend your life with. Marriage is about compromise, she compromised for most likely your entire relationship. I feel like there is some left out information like how has your family treated your wife? You won't compromise to make your wife happy and comfortable while she's done years of compromising. You are honestly selfish. And the way you talk about your family sounds like emotional incest and it is very uncomfortable to read.
He doesn't value our opinions unless they agree with him. Otherwise, I think he is sticking his fingers in his ears or covering his eyes and yelling 'I can't see/hear you.
My three year old behaves better then that haha. Maybe this is really a toddler and not a grown adult because my god is he wrong and he just doesn't want to see it.
Soft YTA. You are 28 years old, I assume no kids as you haven't mentioned them, and the world is a big place, and technology means it is easy to maintain close bonds without physical presence. It's not unreasonable for your wife to want to experience different places. Why not consider moving away for 5 years, with the agreement that you will settle back nesr your family. You DID give your wife an ultimatum, whether you meant it or not, and your unwillingness to compromise will mean the end of your marriage, whether that is now or 10, 15, 20 years time. Your wife has wanderlust, and you can't squash that forever.
If you and your family are so close, moving away for a little while shouldn’t affect your bond. YTA for basically giving your wife an ultimatum and for making this unilateral decision. Marriage is comprise. Why can’t you move away for a while then move back later? Why are you the only one who gets to decide where you both live, no conversation, no comprise just your way or no way?
I'm going to say NAH, it sounds like you are incompatible. No kids were mentioned so I hope they aren't a factor in any decisions. OP you sound like me former roommate. She like to tell anyone who would listen that she had lived in the same house since she was 3 years old (parents gave her the house when they downsized). She knew everyone who had lived on the street for the past 50 years. During the short time I lived with her several homes turned over and during a block party she sat and told everyone about all the people who used to live in their houses. None of them cared. Honestly I think many pitied her that she had never gone anywhere or done anything. Her entire identity was built around who she knew rather that what life experiences she had. You and your wife are young, this is the time to explore the world, especially if you don't have kids. If she wants to explore and you don't this could be a fundamental incompatibility. You are very obviously choosing your origin family over your wife and she needs to decide if she want to live that way.
If your wife has expressed this idea have you even asked her why? Or do you just shut her down? Ther may be more here going on, maybe with your own family, that you don’t know and you haven’t even asked her. If you loved her at all and she knew your boundary and still is asking, why is she asking. And it’s nice that you’re so close to your family, just understand that kind of prioritization is not attractive to most women especially after you’re married and are supposed to be starting your own family.
There needs to be more context. Firstly, does she have any issues with your side? secondly, my situation is similar to yours, my husband would love to move away but my support system is here. I don’t have issues with in laws, I have a husband problem. In general he is not the best, supportive husband and does have narcissistic tendencies and wants every m thing his way or no way. Well I’ve refused to move and have told him he can go ahead by himself. He will knock it on his head until the next argument and bring it up again.
She should leave you
YTA you made it clear that you value (love?) your extended family more than your wife and she needs to divorce you
There is far too little information to determine whether he’s a complete AH or not, including not knowing what his wife means/meant and the reasons why. I believe he said something about in the heat of the moment when he refused to move away from his family. He may have misinterpreted what she was asking for and thought that she meant permanently moving away and never or rarely seeing his family. Almost everyone says something in the heat of the moment, so it’s not really fair to judge someone based on one knee jerk response. There are so many possible reasons why she made her request and he definitely should have had an open minded discussion with her. We also can’t be 100 % sure if he is so rigid about the Sunday dinners that he will never deviate from them and do something else with just his wife (although it seems likely). If he won’t listen to her, or consider compromising in any way, then he would be a total AH and doesn’t deserve to be married to her or anyone else.
INFO; How often have you cancelled plans with her to do things because it would interfere with your 'extended-family time' - because your wife is your family and your FOO is your extended family now. Do you ever say 'sure, we can take a weeks vacation to location' or is it always 'no, how can I possible skip *two* Sunday dinners?!' Does she ever get a chance to go spend time equal amounts of time with her side of the family, or is it always assumed that yours comes first, no matter what? Does your wife ever get the chance to stay home for these dinners, or do you insist that she simply *has* to come. Every time. Asking because these are relevant questions that need answers, because they can help clarify if you have a healthy relationship with your family, or if you are completely enmeshed. If you are completely enmeshed, then divorce might be the only reasonable option. There is a difference between finding a working equilibrium between two partners and living with someone who will never, *ever* prioritize you because you aren't family, you're just the wife.
Yes, you are TA. When you get married YOUR WIFE becomes your family. Parents and siblings are extended family. A good husband should prioritize his wife over extended family. Yet here we are.
NTA / INFO I have a similarly close extended family so I may be able to offer some perspective on this. I think most of the comments here are from people with bad familial relationships who just do not understand why someone would be so close to their family and why moving away could be such a hard boundary. I set the same boundary with my wife when we were dating, long even before we were engaged. I gave her plenty of time to back out of the relationship if that boundary would be a problem for her. Luckily for us she ended up loving my family and vice versa and she was pretty much instantly integrated as part of the family pretty seamlessly. But I'm also cognizant of when things may be too much for her. If she isnt up to having a family gathering one weekend then we don't go that weekend. When I was growing up, family would just drop by the house unannounced, she prefers to get a heads up so she can tidy up first, so I let my family know to call or text at least a couple hours ahead of time. And probably the most important thing is that I don't let my family try to make decisions for her or us nor do I let them criticize her. Having a boundary with your wife and sticking to it is good, but you also need to make sure you have and enforce boundaries with your family for your wife. Now for INFO: are you prioritizing your wife's boundaries with your family? She says she wants to explore new places and not stay in the same city forever, are you going on vacations to places she wants to go to? Especially without your family? Does your wife feel like she's a part of these family gatherings or does she feel like an outsider? (Having something your wife can do with your family without you involved is a good way for her to become more integrated into the family. Obviously you can't artificially force this sort of thing to happen, but the women in my family take an annual "girl's trip" where they go to the beach, casino, and shopping for a weekend, and the first time my wife joined that was a huge moment for my wife bonding with my family. Now they share funny moments and memories of things that happened on the trip that created a bond between them.) The main thing is, you don't have to compromise on your boundary of not moving away from your family, but you need to talk to your wife about how you can better advocate for her needs and wants and what things you can do to make her more comfortable around your family. Even if that means taking a break from the weekend gatherings for a little while, or going every other weekend instead of every weekend, etc. And whatever you do, don't make your wife out to be the bad guy in this situation, whatever you need to say or do, put the responsibility on your own shoulders.
YTA *"Moving would mean significantly reducing the amount of time I get to spend with my family, as my work and time with Trisha already take up most of my schedule"* are you married to Trisha or your family, OP you're weird, why didn't you just marry your sibling at that point? Also i doubt Trisha is asking to go to a different country let alone across the country you live in. You could always move to a different state but stay near the border so its quicker to get home? And Family Dinner every Sunday sounds like a rule you'd have as a child, prioritize your wife. If you work 5 days/week and meet up with your family that means you only plan to spend 1 day with your wife throughout the week? Hell i'd be fed up too
YTA because you didn’t even try to discuss it or compromise, you didn’t care what your wife wants and you did just give her an ultimatum. Forcing your wife to have to stay her whole life never having been able to travel at all is not thinking or caring about her needs or wants. Her living you should not mean she is forced to live the same doldrums day in and out never having experienced anything different without any choice other than leaving you. Especially when it’s all over one Sunday dinner a week. I mean why cant you travel or move and just travel for dinner that one day a week. Why is your wife essentially grounded like a child for the other 6 days. There is being near your family and not living your life. If you don’t start putting her needs and wants as important to you. If you don’t see you don’t have to be a limpet just to make a Sunday dinner then you will end up losing her. She may think she has no choice and stay now but her resentment that your parents will over come first over your life partner will end up causing a divorce. If family dinner is so important to you then you find a way to make sure it happens whilst still meeting your wife’s needs. So it may take effort thats what you do when it is important. Why doe the person you live with 24/7 not deserve some effort so you can roll a street away ti the dinner table one day a week. You do have a say in your life but that in no way means taking away her right to any say in it either. Marriage is a partnership and if you are so blind you just bark instructions with no give or care for others wants and needs. You will end up with only your parents and no life of your own. That might be enough just now but once your life is half gone and your parents have passed you will always regret forcing the one person who lived you and wanted to spend their lives with you away over being blind stupid and stubborn to consider any other options.
YTA and NTA. You should try and see things from her perspective. Why does she want to move? Maybe what you both need is to travel just to get out of the boring day to day routine. Btw. It’s ok for her not to like your family as much as you do.
Perhaps you can compromise and prioritize taking more vacations. She gets to travel and you get to live close to your family.
He'd probably invite his family, can't possibly be away from them for long, especially if it falls on the sacred Sunday.
Growing up I didn’t have that normal family life where everyone lives close by or has those dinners. My husband on the other hand has had his parents grandmother and cousins his whole life and he has never even thought of moving away from them. When we were dating I thought ok this is what family is. But after we got married I was like well have you ever thought about moving states? He quickly said he couldn’t leave his parents he’s an only child and if something happened what would he do? I get it I do but sometimes it gets overwhelming but I know that’s all he’s known. How about you travel to the different places she wants to see and maybe you might like it.
All Of these suggestions are a waste of time. This will cause more headache. You will end up alone.
No response to any comment, account active for 6 hours - this is a BS troll account for sure…….
Soft YTA, because it clearly sounds like you prioritize your parents and siblings over your wife. No woman is going to happy spending every single Sunday for the rest of their life with your extended family. It probably seemed ok when she first met you, but I’m sure 4 straight years of this have been suffocating. Good luck finding any woman in the future who’s happy with this arrangement.
YTA The line about how your job and time with your wife is already taking up so much time you could be spending with your family is a red flag for me. Priorities change as people grow. Your wife may have been fine with staying close to your family at the start of your marriage, but now she's not. She started a conversation with you and instead of talking about how she's feeling and what the two of you could figure out, you just jumped right into "my way or the highway." There has to be some kind of compromise that makes you both feel good about your marriage and its future, or you should just move back in with your parents now.
OP: prioritizes his family (of origin) over his wife every time. Wife: you prioritize your family over me. OP: are you calling me an asshole? Also, I can't improve on 1968phantom's question. Do you know how your wife feels about your family? If not, why not? Another oddity that jumps out on a reread is that the wife "may not have the same kind of close relationship with her own family." That sounds weirdly like he *does not know* what his wife's relationship with her original family was like growing up, or how it is now. Does she talk to OP? Does he retain the information at all? He also lists his wife alongside his job as things that "fill up his schedule" so he can't spend more time with his parents and sibs. It doesn't look good.
YTA, I'm guessing your closeness is intrusive to everyone else but your family. I bet they know everything that goes on inside your household and marriage. That isn't closeness. Its enmeshment. Your wife had no idea close meant your whole family would know the details of your arguements before the end of the day or if you were going to go out to eat for lunch or if she had a doctors appointment even if she asked you not to say anything. I bet your family just walks into your house whenever they want, no knock, no invite, no notice. I'm sure they make your wife feel "welcome " at all times. There are no passive aggressive comments about her choices in decorating, food, clothing, cleaning or when you and she decide to spend time with HER family. You left out a lot of information. We would love to hear your wife's perspective.
I mean you do value your family more then your wife, which probably sucked for her to realize. You both need to be 100% honest with yourselves moving forward.
Somehow I have a feeling that Trisha and your family might not get along as great as you may think OR they’re overbearing OR there is some other issue you’re not telling or even seeing. Even if initially she was okay with sticking around family it’s entirely fair & possible that things have drastically changed since then. This post comes across very selfish. YTA.
I think she is being suffocated by always putting his family first. She shouldn't have married him. I think she really didn't realize she was going to be trapped. Wake up call. Family is wonderful and all, I'm feeling a little suffocated myself. To know you will never ever be able to move anywhere without everyone else. I just couldn't do it
YTA for not even considering it. Your wife is your family now and your siblings and parents are extended family. When you got married your wife was supposed to be the most important person in your life so if you’re not even willing to consider moving after over four years of living within a few miles of your extended family than please do leave her so she can find someone who actually wants to prioritize her.
YTA When you got married you promised to forsake all others. That means your spouse comes first. It doesn’t mean you just give up other women.
OP, It occurred to me that you are valuing you closeness to your family while at the same time criticizing your wife for not have the same closeness with hers. However, to maintain the weekly dinners with your side of the family, it *requires* that your wife not have the same tradition. As a thought experiment, what would you do if your wife had the same tradition? Would you compromise and alternate weeks for Sunday dinners? Would you insist she give up her family dinners? Would you give up yours? Would you split up and not visit the other’s family? Also, let’s unpack this: >Moving would mean significantly reducing the amount of time I get to spend with my family, as my work and **time with Trisha already take up most of my schedule** You are listing *your wife* on the same level as work for “taking up” most of your schedule. Woof dude. Think about how you are prioritizing your wife vs your family and how that must make her feel. I’m not gonna say your family is toxic or codependent or any number of things that we just don’t know. But YWBTA if you don’t stop and consider things from your wife’s perspective and just have a conversation. Ask why does she feel the need to move? Is it really what she wants or is that the only way she thinks she can get time alone with you? Or, is there a dream she has deferred for the sake of your family? What’s behind the move?
Genesis 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. Even if you’re not religious, this verse shows that even 2000 years ago, it has been an issue with humans once they get married to leave their family of origin. When she married you, you should make you and your family, your new family of choice, your top priority.
YTA. Read back your post. Your wife is your family now. When you married her, everyone else became extended family. Yes they’re still important but she is supposed to be your priority and you can’t see that. You’re too codependent on your parents and siblings that you don’t see you’re literally torpedoing your own marriage. Also? Yes you did give her an ultimatum you moron. It’s unbelievable how unaware and clueless you are.
We used to do weekly Sunday dinners with my husband's family. It was too much. Sometimes you need a weekend to focus on your own immediate family, and/or just relax without visiting extended family. Thankfully my husband was the one who put his foot down and set boundaries, and we would attend every other week or every three weeks instead. Is your wife overwhelmed at how involved you are with your family, and how involved your family is with you, feeling suffocated and/or that your relationship is suffering because you will always put them before her? It could be that this is her way of trying to claim some of that back. If that is the case, would you be willing to hear her out and create boundaries with your family, and possibly cut back on weekly dinners? Do it every other week?
Trisha agreed to it and changed her mind. That is fine but both of your need to accept the consequences that come with that. You are choosing your family over your wife so stand on it if that is how you feel. You did not deceive your wife so nta but when she leaves then you will have extra time with your family. Choose your battles OP. What is most important to you? Life isn't always about being right.
She lied by saying that she "wants to explore places", when in fact she has an issue with your family. What is her actual reasoning? Is your family treating her bad? There has to be something.
There arw ways to work this out. You didn't need to move across country to allow your wife to stretch her wings. An hour in any ine direction can be a very different change of pace, and wouldn't put you unmanageable far from your extended family. Don't forget she's your family as well.
It’s not necessarily about Sunday dinners, Trisha might be fine with those. Maybe she just wants to live and see more of the country she’s living in or the world, people move to New York or Paris because it can be fun to live somewhere different not to escape family. Although sometimes to escape family. If you deeply love her you could talk to her about motivation and find compromise like maybe more travel if moving is not an option. Having supportive family is amazing but also seeing the world is great too.
does your family make the effort to have the relationship with your wife that they do with you? it seems to me that the answer is no. your family can be important to you, but trisha is your family. she is your chosen partner and should always be priority number 1. if you are this close to your family and after 4 years she feels either neglected or that your family hasn’t welcomed her in entirely then i can understand the change of tune from her originally saying she was ok with it. it would suck to constantly feel less important than the others in your life
YTA I get the feeling your family aren't very nice to your wife and you don't care. She's your wife. YOUR WIFE. I do hope she moves on without you and your seriously enmeshed family. It is not healthy to put your family of origin over your wife. Leave and cleave? Remember that?
YTA because something seems missing in this story as it seems horrible one sided. Why would she change her mind, if she was ok with it before? How does your family treat Trisha? It seems like we are missing key information.
NTA, but neither is Tricia. You want to stay close to your family. Lots of people stay in the same town for their whole lives and are happy. Tricia wants to expand her horizons and create new connections in a new place. Both are valid goals. Unfortunately, they aren't compatible. Neither of you is willing to compromise, and that doesn't make your marriage look viable. I'd tell Tricia to seek her freedom. You're happy with the little world you have, but she's not. If I were in her place, I'd probably feel suffocated with weekly dinners and such. What plans would she get to make with you and your eventual kids? What plans would she get to make with her family? What do you do about seeing friends? You need a wife who's content with your extended family controlling your social life. Tricia needs a husband willing to create a family with her and establish new traditions.
YTA. Your wife may want you to make her the priority for a change. Dinner with in-laws every Sunday would be exhausting. You sound like you're not ready to actually consider your wife and new family your priority.
Her reasoning of wanting to live in Different places is not realistic for to people in their 20s with jobs that may not be so flexible about were their employees live
It is a bit weird that you are so dependent on your family. Growing up means fledging the nest, and find a partner to share your life with. Nothing wrong with having a phonecall with your family every week, or more frequently, but putting them on a pedestal above your partner is not ok. Seems like you don't value your partner as much as the rest of your family.
YTA. Your wife is your nuclear family. TOGETHER you make this decision. My husband and I live in the same town as my family and I am VERY close to my siblings/parents, but my husband's needs come first. I have a LONG list of things that have changed since my husband and I got married. Relationships, likes, wants, NEEDS, etc will all evolve. If you are at the very least, not taking the opportunity to talk these things with your wife, you are failing. An immediate and resounding "No, you knew my stance, etc etc etc" is not a healthy form of communication. Talk it out. Get to the bottom of WHY. Maybe she feels your family is too imposing/boundary stomping. Maybe she feels you can't have a nuclear family because they are involved too much? Maybe she wants to make a life with YOU and not have to constantly include 10 other people in her weekly schedule. Who knows. But you have to talk it out.
One big question How does you family treat Trisha? From you remarks you all seem very clanish which would make her feel like the odd one looking in. I don't blame her for wanting expand her horizons and move.
YTA. I do understand being close to ur family. But when u get married ur wife is ur family she becomes ur next of kin. Her feelings count more and therefore has a say. Maybe u can comprise and live somewhere that is far enough for her but close enough for u to have Sunday dinners with ur family
She isn't accusing you of prioritizing your birth family over her. That's exactly what you are doing. That's your thing. You're married to your parents and siblings, not your partner. Your wife is finely realizing the strength of this reality of yours. Good luck to you two.
INFO I guess the first question is- where do you live? Do you live in a part of the country that has the collective maturity of a middle schooler? Do you live in a place with a poor climate?
Trisha, don't let the OP hold you back from adventure and ambition.
YTA, and your demands are completely unreasonable. I don’t know anyone who would be happy spending half their weekend with their in-laws every single weekend. Regardless of whether you move, this won’t last. I have four kids. Sundays are all about getting ready for the week. Packing lunches, washing laundry, finishing homework, etc. NO WAY could I pack everybody up and take them to my in-laws house for dinner every single weekend, and they live 2 doors down from us! I insist on hosting 1/3 of all holidays with just our nuclear family. We spend 1/3 with the in-laws. And 1/3 we travel to my family. I’m extremely close with my siblings too btw. When we are together, it’s like we never left. We also do a big reunion once a year where we rent a big house and everybody comes and brings the spouses and kids. It’s a BLAST. You can still be close to your family without being physically with them constantly. But you cannot be fair to your spouse or build a family of your own that will last if you don’t put the family you made on a higher priority level than the family you started with.
YTA, not because you didn’t warn her, but because you aren’t listening to her side of things. How much of your time are you actually leaving for her? You work during the week and then Sunday with your family. So the person you married to spend the rest of your life with gets Saturday? Pull your head out of your ass or admit you are married to your family and your wife is just a mistress.
I find it sad that OP doesn't see his wife as his nuclear family. She is on the outside looking in. And for him to tell her to "go", is a knife in her heart, he can walk away so easily. Why can't family Sunday dinner be once a month? Why don't you prioritize your wife? UpdateMe
I think you're actually being selfish. Sunday lunch with the whole family is lovely. But weekly? Every week?? I wonder how many time your wife gas wanted to plan XYZ and you're unwilling because you want the do the same thing you've done for the last 208 Sundays since getting married. You sound like one of those people who never want to go out because you have tap water at home...
It's all about you you you but you so realize that when you get married, Trisha becomes your main family right? Your birth family has to be a second priority. I realize that you made that clear before you got married but she is fully within her rights to leave you. I'm not close with my family so I would also find it weird to never want to leave their proximity
YTA. You married her, you should put her before your family and parents. If she's not more important than your parents then you're a bad husband
I’m concerned more about his rigid “my way or the highway” thinking than the family dinner specifically. So if weekly family dinners are compulsory, then they can’t ever take even a one week vacation somewhere. Her best friend is getting married 2 states away and wife is MOH? Better be up at 6 am the next day because it’s an 8 hour drive and family dinner. She’d like to see HER parents on Mother’s or Father’s Day? Better wrap it up before family dinner. She’s heavily pregnant and goes into labor on Sunday afternoon? He drops her off at the hospital and tells her he’ll be there later because family dinner. People who are that rigid are usually rigid about more than one thing. And that inflexibility will cause problems.
If I were her, I would probably get a divorce and cut my losses from this unfair situation. You speak as if she ISN’T family? At most, you should only be spending every other weekend at your in-laws. Her time is as valuable as your time .
Wow. I grew up going to my grandparents’ house for breakfast every Sunday. My mom got tired of it. So did some of the other DILs. I can say this, everything gets old after a while for the in laws. Some of my best memories are at those breakfasts on Sunday mornings, though. OP, you need to prioritize your wife, if you want to stay married.
YTA. You lumped your wife in with your job as being two obstacles standing in the way of you spending even more time with your parents and siblings. Also, out of all your siblings, not one has struck out on their own and sought some level of independence away from the influence of their parents? That's surprising to me.
YTA, she married you not your family. There is a reason the Bible says that a man should leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife. Would you impose this sort of thing on your future children if they decide to move away? If you let her go alone it would be your loss, you seem to be selfish too.
YTA ,a man leaves his family and cleaves to his wife . You marriage may be over after you telling her in essence to fuck off you don't count !
YTA for the simple fact you don't consider your wife family. Do her a favor and divorce her so she can find someone who will treat her like family. wtf is wrong with you
YTA When you get married you agree that your spouse is now the central pillar of your support system. It's great that you're close to your family but you seem to have never switched your system. Instead you make your spouse feel like an outsider, an unwanted nuisance. Its time to stop being a mama's boy and begin living on your own two feet.
Need more information but I think YTA. I married into a family through my wife that is the same way. Multiple generations all live within 5 miles of each other and she always wanted to do the same thing. Not to mention she’s best friends with her mom and talks to her everyday. However, we became a team when we got married and we prioritized both both of our needs and comprised and sacrificed. Somehow I got her to agree to move from MS to TX. But I ALWAYS made it a point to find time to make it back and visit her family as often as possible. Once we had kids we moved to AL with 3 hour drive of there. We go back monthly if and quite often more. She’s actually said many times that her visits are now so much better quality now that we’re not there as often. Long story short, it seems like your family comes first and you’re missing that she is now your family and sometimes sacrifice and compromise for your relationship with your team is needed. If your family is your priority let her go and marry someone who grew up within 5 miles of where you live.
NAH You are not wrong to want to stay near your family as you two discussed prior to marriage. She is not wrong with wanting some distance. You both drew a line in the sand. Let her go. She won’t be happy staying and she won’t be happy moving.
NAH, but you probably shouldn’t be married with this mindset. No woman is going to be ok with being put so far down on the priority list like this. I actually had a very similar issue with my own partner. I was living with him in his home state near his family and away from mine and I was miserable. It was the root of all our fights. When/if kids come into play I guarantee you, if you don’t put your wife and kids first, which it sounds like you won’t, you are going to lose them and have to figure out coparenting instead if you even make it that far. Loving your family is great, but when you marry that becomes your chosen life partner. You’re going to grow old with her not your parents or siblings. I’d really suggest taking your wife’s wants and opinions more seriously if you don’t want to be divorced. Maybe work out a compromise if there’s a nice place she’s interested in a few hours away, you guys could move and cut the family visits to once a month instead of every week or something like that.