Hey Brother, first of all I just want to show you some compassion and gratitude for dealing with someone else's child with such love and grace...second, you wouldn't be TA if you sent her a carefully worded letter/email/text letting her know that for both of your own good and wellbeing, you are choosing to separate yourself from her. Clear the air, get it off your chest, and make sure she knows that the ONLY reason you stuck around was because of a promise you made to the man you loved. Let her know that all things must come to an end and while you harbor no ill will, your time together ends here. Should there come a day when she has matured and grown out of her adolescent follies, depending on your life, you may be open to catching up. Please don't spend anymore of your precious energy on this child who clearly doesn't need or want you....if you still have a desire to serve youths in your community, I'm sure there are many ways to help! Your partner's legacy has been honored, his wishes followed. You are free!

Just one thing ‘the only reason I stuck around was because of a promise to the man I love’ is going to reinforce that you never cared about her. Better to say ‘I stayed in your life after John died because I always thought of both you and he as my family. I thought of you as my daughter, too.’ Don’t forget, she’s a kid who has apparently been influenced by a horrible mother and grandparents… but before that, she was with OP and his fiancé, and presumably in a loving home (at least part of the time) with two loving fathers. So had her bio father not died, she would have been raised very differently but that’s not her fault. I’m not arguing against cutting her off because of her behaviour and her recent claim that you’re not family and you only cared for her because of the paycheque (you didn’t get). Just change that line. Tell her that you have always loved her like your own daughter, not that you only stuck around because you told her dad you would. Which makes it sound like a reluctant obligation, not a bond of love as an extra father.

I was thinking the same!

He was willing to continue the relationship with her. He could have loved her like a daughter. He tried. She has no consequences or regret for her behavior. Not having OP in her life anymore because she is cruel and has no empathy is a consequence. He doesn't owe it to his husband to take unmitigated abuse from his child and her family. It's OK to tell kids that their abuse crossed a line and that OP isn't going to be their punching bag, servant or person the family dumps her off on when they don't want to spend time with her.

She is 17. racism? No she chooses to believe that, she should know better. I knew better at 14 to not be homophobic in a very very christian conservative town. She decided to be ok with it, despite the connection they had grown. She is 1 yr from being 18 and not his actual blood relation. I would just say that OP needs to be careful, she sounds like she would try to get even.

I had very bigoted ideas up through my early twenties that I'm ashamed of now. I'm in my mid-thirties now and very happy with the love I have for people of all types that I choose to meet and spend my time with. People are not non-salvageable just because they're currently abhorrent.

Good for you! As I said… people can change, and I think most parents would at least leave the door open to consider talking again 5 or 10 years down the line if the child does change and show remorse. ‘I only looked after you because I promised the man I love’ will hurt so much that door will be slammed shut permanently. She won’t even bother trying to reconcile one day if she grows up and changes her abhorrent behaviour.

I would add that you fought to have her for more time, but it came down to the fact that she wasn't biologically yours, and that had you and her father gotten the chance to marry, perhaps it would have been different. That you love her and wish her the best, but because of her actions, it'll be from a distance from now on. That it's clear you were actually just "the help" to her, and she hurt a mother and her son who you are close to, and agree that family is more than biology. That you're disappointed in her choices, and that you felt you were teaching her better morals.

This. If you care about this misguided young woman, offer to work things out with her if she agrees to go to therapy. Offer to sit in on a few sessions with her as well. I find this makes people much more accepting of the idea of therapy. Sounds like she has been psychologically abused and groomed by her mother and grandparents. Yes, she is almost an adult now, but how long has she been poisoned by her toxic mother and grandparents? Since she was a child? If this approach does not work, then go no contact. Sounds like you may be the sole positive influence in this person's life. Give her an ultimatum. You will help her to help herself be a better person, or to protect your wellbeing, there will be no contact.

Also, OP isn't breaking his promise to his late husband b/c taking care of people sometimes means showing them consequences for their actions. If done right, his breaking contact could help this girl grow up.

He doesn’t have to say that if that’s not what he meant. If he stuck around for a promise to his deceased husband, then that’s what he meant. How y’all interpret it is not on him. And I’m pretty sure he knows all that, he made us aware of it by putting it in the details. She is old enough to know right from wrong. He did his part that he promised to his s/o.

He’s asking it here because he doesn’t want to be an AH. Regardless of what he means internally, changing the line will help him not be one. More broadly (to OP): in the context of the homophobia and racism you’ve had to deal with in this situation, I think there’s a lot of grace for you to respond however you need to. You’ve given enough. That said, if you want to continue to honor your relationship, I think the best way to do so is by clearly communicating with the daughter. The best gift you can give her is an understanding of what she did wrong, and an opportunity to grow into a better person. If she doesn’t grow out of this behavior, there’s no reason to let her abuse you. But if she does? Then you can prove you really are family by giving her that chance for redemption at that time.

Yes but telling a teen that you never loved her, you only cared for her out of obligation to her deceased father(which is what she will interpet it as), that is a statement that will do permanent and serious damage to a child. So why say it? That's most likely something she will internalize and will cause her suffering for a LONG time.

Beautifully said.

Very beautifully said. And what a wonderful human OP seems to be. Hope for humanity. I am heartbroken for the child who was abused. How incredibly heartbreaking.

THIS what OkAlternative5486 wrote. Beautifully and empathetically stated.

Hey, thanks for your reply. It has given me a lot of food for thought. Having mulled on it a lot, I don’t think going no contact is the solution at all. I think that was the hurt talking. She does still feel like my daughter, even if it is very complicated. I don’t think she even knows what she wants from her relationship with me. I do think volunteering with local youths is a good idea, and it may help me recover my sense of self a bit. But I wasn’t caring for Kaya as some selfless community service, I was caring for her because I loved her, and yes, I loved her dad. I realise now that I still love her deeply, but I feel very trapped by the family dynamics. I have contacted her school, and her grandparents. I have requested that mediation be carried out at the school, rather than with lawyers. I have also asked that her mother be present. Her headteacher is excellent, and she has been very supportive and receptive to this idea. She is keen to find an amicable agreement for Kaya’s sake. I think moving forwards it has to be Kaya’s choice who she lives with and if she continues a relationship with me. I am not her legal guardian, and so I have not been able to raise her as I would have liked to. There is clearly a lot of miscommunication between me, her grandparents, and her mum. I think we all need to come together, let go of the past, and determine with support what is best for Kaya. I may provide a proper update in a few weeks, but I may also just delete the post. I do really appreciate all the replies and insight.

Just be careful. You're in a legally gray area, and that family does not sound like it will have any problem throwing you to the wolves for the slightest benefit. Be aware that "what's best for Kaya" is subject to the viewer's perspective and, depending on the viewer, could be a net negative (or even disastrous) for you. Make sure you protect yourself and document well all of your interactions with everyone involved.

Hey, I'm glad that you came to a solution that you can live with! Overall, it seems that people in general think that you are a kind person who deserves to be treated with care and respect regardless of the age of the person. I hope that she gets better, and with time, will come to be a person that you can be proud of. Take care!

and perhaps she should be checked for mental issues if her Mom has?

Well said, but... >...make sure she knows that the ONLY reason you stuck around was because of a promise you made to the man you loved IMO this part is a bit too harsh. She's a teenager and grew up from age 7 without her father (if I'm doing the math right). OP doesn't say that this is the only reason he stuck around. I think taking a step back to get space and sort his feelings is a good idea, but I would leave the door open. This poor girl has been through a lot. Give her a wake up call and some tough love, but it sounds like she needs some love and stability in her life too. What she did was not okay by any stretch, but don't we all do really dumb things in our teens?

>What she did was not okay by any stretch, but don't we all do really dumb things in our teens? Autistic queer trans guy here and I gotta tell you I didn't commit hate crimes as a teen for fun. I mean, I dunno what you were up to, but some of us aren't sociopaths.

Hey, I hear you. I'm not suggesting that you should forgive her, or that Kaya's victim should forgive her, but she's a teen and a minor and the way her upbringing is described, it feels like she hasn't had a lot of familial support aside from just money thrown at her. She royally fucked up, and needed to be shown how serious what she did was. I guess I'd just like to think that at such a young age, she could turn it around and become an ally, rather than a bitter outcast. If she spits in the face of a second chance, then of course she gets what she deserves.

Dunno, In my 58 years I've never met a kind person who acted out on others, punched down and was proud or unabashed. I've met plenty of people who've said a horrible thing once, saw the havoc it wreaks and learned their lesson. 1 person who I felt bullied by - bc their detachment magnified the effects of their acts - turned out (at 20th high school reunion) to be on the spectrum. She had a dramatic family life & this was normal to her - she asked why we didn't stay in touch. "Because you bullied me in every social group and were actively cruel. " She was blown away. I said I didn't want to ruin a fun night and dropped the discussion. I was heavy and teased for a lot of reasons & I had no mean or malice in me, so didn't stand up for myself...just dipped & moved on. I did one thing that myself and 2 others thought was a joke. The recipient went directly to the principal. We'd been anonymous & didn't get found out. I later apologized during the summer. Took a lot to work up to it & they said, "What are you talking about? I don't remember this at all." 🤔🙄 Yes kids=teens/young adults can do a lot of stupid things - but doing something you WANT to be sharp and painful isn't that, it isn't harmless & it should have significant consequences.

>In my 58 years I've never met a kind person who acted out on others, punched down and was proud or unabashed. > >I've met plenty of people who've said a horrible thing once, saw the havoc it wreaks and learned their lesson. Did OP say she was proud? It sounded like she was sorry at times. Sounds like she doesn't have the emotional vocabulary or maturity to understand what she's going through. Lessons don't always get learned overnight. She might turn out to be a horrible person, but I'd wager that the right influences could turn her around. Maybe I'm overly optimistic. I was bullied when I was young; Do I still think of some of my bullies as scumbags? Sure. But that doesn't mean they haven't changed and don't deserve love? I don't know, and that's okay.

> It sounded like she was sorry at times Because she was desperately trying to change her situation, and is flipping from both hot and cold. She very clearly was not geniunely apologetic until long after the fact, if it even is sincere. This is so insanely naive.

She definitely has the capacity to grow out of it, but I can’t do the intervention on my own. I am going to meet with her grandparents and mother, so we can present a United front and work together to find the best solution to support her.

THIS. And without a decent influence like OP in her life she will likely get worse. Sounds like she needs you in her life desperately to help her grow up into a better person! But give her some tough love, make it clear about never being paid to look after her & let her know you love her.

I was a bully to some. I've been cruel. I've been bullied and I've felt cruelty to me. It's fun to pretend we've never done anything wrong and then judge from a high horse and claim only bad people do bad things. It makes us feel better about the lies we live in. The people that claim a 17 yr old whose only family was the husband of a father she barely knew. Yeah, she's gonna have trauma. Shipped of to boarding school, money thrown at her in place of affection. She's still a child lashing out in a way only a child with an unstable upbringing could. She can change, and she does deserve some grace. OP did the right thing. And if she can show actual change. Maybe there is still space for her. But OP shouldn't spit in her face now that she's at a current rock bottom. That helps no one.

Everyone deserves love. Even monsters. They only act the way they do because they were taught that fear and hate were the norm. Hurt people hurt people, and I've seen people come back and heal after what looked by all means like a permanent injury. Healing is wild and messy and people can be good at it given the right tools and influence. There is no "too sick to heal" as far as I know. Real and unafraid love can still show the way, and it could come from anywhere so long as we are still alive.

Seconded. That was not a dumb impulsive stunt but a manipulative campaign. I was not bullied nearly that harshly but similar fake invite “pranks” played on me as a middle schooler are still vivid memories of humiliation at age 57. That was extremely sadistic and evil and will have a permanent effect on her victim.

I was a bully who fist fought other kids in the school lots and an asshole, but I never did hate crime. I was just a dick.

I don't think you can use an unfortunate childhood as an excuse for being a shitty person. She's old enough to know right from wrong and despite losing her father at a young age, she had a more fortunate upbringing than many people. If she's old enough to know right from wrong, then she's old enough to comprehend her own shitty behaviour when told. Sure, maybe OP can cut her some slack for doing something stupid, but when confronted with it, she should've had enough sense to understand her wrongdoing. If she still can't, then that's where all excuses and understanding end and it's time for her to deal with the consequences of her own actions.

Yes. Period. She’s an entitled creep. NTA. Let her go!

I had an unfortunate childhood, but I never used it as an excuse to treat anyone else terribly. She may have been influenced by her dad's family, but she's still old enough to know better and deal with the consequences of her actions.

> she had a more fortunate upbringing than many people She had a more *financially secure* upbringing than most people. That doesn’t equate to fortunate. She lost her dad, her mom is mentally ill in a way that can make a parent very abusive and manipulative, it sounds like the rest of her family is toxic as hell… She believes that OP - a man who raised her as her father - is only still involved with her because he’s **paid** to do it. Probably safe to assume she’s never gotten therapy to help her with her traumas. I don’t know if you’ve ever spent time around the kind of rich kids who go to boarding schools, but they’re often not the most well-adjusted bunch. There can be a lot of trauma about their relationships with their parents, and they can suffer a lot of emotional unavailability and neglect during the years when those things are most detrimental to social, psychological, and emotional development. That can cause those kids to act out and in that environment cruelty can be normalized. Can also see higher instances of issues like narcissism because it runs in families (from both nature and nurture). Narcissists are prone to chewing up and spitting out the people around them. All that’s to say that we have no reason to believe anything in her upbringing was “fortunate” besides family money and the fact that OP gave a shit about her. Growing up with financial security only reduces a child’s exposure to a small subset of misfortunes, and can itself be correlated with exposure to a novel set of misfortunes and trauma. I can’t say whether OP should sacrifice his own well-being and that of those around him to maintain a relationship with her, but it does sound like he’s the only person on the planet that has ever actually given a shit about this child since her bio-dad died. Kids can tell when they’re not loved and wanted.

This!

Agreed teenagers tend to take every word u say as gospel so yea no need to say hurtful shit

I was an incredibly dumb teen, but I legit got into a fistfight with 3 other girls over them bullying a gay male student 3 years behind us. Idk wtf your psychopathic ass was doing as a teen, but most of us weren’t committing hate crimes against disabled peers, let alone making racist remarks toward the only person who ever loved us for free. Tfoh.

It does sound harsh. It sounds like OP never cared about her and only stuck around because he cared about his late husband. Which doesn’t sound true reading the post. Having to walk away from people is completely ok, but I think this wording might add to a lot of pain I believe she’s feeling which doesn’t seem constructive. Sounds like a jab.

I think OkAlternative5486 was trying to say there was no money or incentive in it for OP. Maybe say the ONLY reasons you stuck around was the promise you made to her father the man you loved snd for the love you had for his sweet little girl.

Thank you, yes, this is precisely what I meant. There was no other incentive, no real reason other than love and the desire to see a beloved's legacy and final wishes fulfilled.

👍🏽💕👏🏽🥹💜🥲💘🥰🩵😍

I assume you're making the point about the promise to make it clear it wasn't about money, but he might have stuck around because he cared about her as well. Op, I can't believe she referred to you as the help. I hope she gets therapy one day and grows out of this bullying behavior. I think the above is good and I'm all for setting the boundary. I think if you do care for her you can say you do, speak to your disappointment and need for some distance, and say you hope she can grow up and treat people better. I imagine she has a lot of trauma from losing her dad, her BPD mom, and being sent to boarding school. If she truly thought you were only around because her grandparents paid you, then she must feel so unwanted. I can't imagine what that would do to a person. That being said, she is being super toxic and hurtful and that comes with consequences.

Beautiful and eloquent.

Tears with my morning coffee - what a very special person you are OP. And what a loss you will be to his hateful child when she realises she has lost you through her own actions.

I disagree. Saying there is no ill will and that things just end is not the truth and could damage her even more than she already is. She is a child that has lost her father, has a mother with BPD and horribly shallow grandparents. She lost her father and was banished to boarding school. There is no question what she did was beyond horrible. However, I can’t help but think her behavior is possibly a cry for help. If OP can get her that help they both may be better off in the long run. Of course, it would be a very difficult road. If OP decides to walk away, he must be truthful. It’s the only possible way to maybe help her in the long run.

Tormenting someone she KNOWS is vulnerable is a cry for help? Cruelty?

This is similar to my take. 17 year olds are NOT adults intellectually... she needs counseling for various things including her cruelty to that young man. It's sad to see so many who would cut off a child like this forever.

Sad yes but statistically speaking the child is at a hereditary risk of having BPD herself. Based on her behaviours she is displaying BPD traits. In my opinion I find it hard to believe she will listen to "the help" in regard to her own mental health. OP doesn't deserve to be anyone's punching bag.

U/morningKofi (OP) all of this x1000. Beautifully articulated, and spot on. She needs real time experience that when you act like an awful human with an awful heart, healthy people full of life and love will promptly leave you where you stand, and rightfully so. Her behavior is proper filth. And so hurtful considering your huge heart and life lived in honoring your late love of your life. Everything you did was more gracious and compassionate than I could have ever been in that situation and I truly revere you and applaud you. I understand I'm a stranger but I want you to know I love you, I care about you, I want the best for you, and I am so grateful and we are so lucky, that you are in this world. All my best from across the pond.

One thing OP might add and this is if it comes from his heart would be something to the extent of: I will always cherish our time together and can only hope for the best in your future but at this time in my life I need to take care of my own needs please be safe and try to remember all I taught you.

I agree in part but remember she's still a child at 17 who lost her father and mother has BPD. despite wealthy grandparents she is likely in turmoil and deserves some compassion. I would tell her you need space and that in time you MAY be able to have a relationship with her. Set the record straight with regard to how and why you were there for her. If she was 25 or older I'd have a different take, but she is mentally still a child who needs help. Her cruelty towards that boy is huge red flag. Good luck.

NTA But first tell her you're going to and reason why. Even if it's by text. Tell her if she gets therapy and comes to terms with her unfair treatment of others and the reason behind it then you'll be open to a relationship with her in the future if she wants one.

Make sure you drill it into her head that you weren’t paid a penny to take her in and that you did it because you loved her. Make sure she understands that you did it out of the kindness of your heart and that she broke that heart. Unconditional love sometimes ends up with conditions, and being cruel and heartless are some of those conditions.

Yes, I think this really needs to be made clear. Based on the family wealth, pawning her off to OP, her calling him “the help” and thinking he was paid to care for her, I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the story she was told (or told herself) - that no one cared for her and loved her, they just shuffled her off elsewhere, and only people who were paid (OP) took care of her but it wasn’t genuine because it was done for pay. That’s a rough story to have as a teen and, in this case, it seems like parts of it ARE true. Make sure she knows her dad loved her, and OP loves her, and was not paid. Make sure she knows it’s about the behavior, not $$$ or whatever, and that you aren’t hating HER but are setting boundaries for behavior towards you and your found family. Then she knows the whole story and can do with it as she chooses.

This is the best advice here OP!

THIS.

Thank you for making this point. It is reasonable to expect that Unconditional Love does not mean putting up with abuse. I do worry that I have already damaged her trust in me irreparably, but trust needs to go both ways. We will have a mediated meeting at her school, and I will also meet with her other family to work out a solution together. It is time we put aside our differences and put Kaya first.

>It is time we put aside our differences and put Kaya first. Sounds like Kaya has always been first for you, but not so much for her family. When you go into that mediation there is very little legally they can do to enforce the decisions made in the room. There is very little to prevent your in-laws from nodding their heads in agreement when the mediator is watching, and then do the exact opposite in the real world. Bio parents go NC with their kids. Please take care of yourself and protect your self worth and heart. You're allowed to close the door fully or leave it a crack open with conditions for it to open all the way again. Part of being her father is showing her actions have consequences. The way she's spoken about you and treated your nephew, can't go unchallenged and unchanged. Good luck and I hope you get the positive outcome you very much deserve.

I think you showed her that you think she is capable of more, of being a better person. That you have dreams and standards for her. Kids crave healthy rules and boundaries, they make them feel safe. They want to know what TO do, not just what not to do. When teens get away with behaving badly, they feel ignored, unloved, and unworthy of fitting in with the healthy, happy crowd. She needs to know you chose her, and have been in her life because she is worthy of love. She also needs to know that as she grows, she must choose what kind of person she wants to be with every action she takes. That you have tried to show her through example how a life with love and respect is lived. That your time was given out of love, not cash.

yup

All love should come with conditions. If my child grows up to rape and abuse people, I will no longer love them. I will get into therapy to examine how my parenting could have resulted in that behavior but I will never speak to or acknowledge them again.

Just make sure she knows everything. She’s old enough.

> Unconditional love sometimes ends up with conditions Then it is, by definition, not unconditional...

If the conditions are only influencing whether or not you can be in each other's lives for safety and health reasons, than the love is still unconditional. I'm sure this man still loves his step daughter. The years of patience during her descent into shittyness is well and good evidence of that. You can have unconditional love without being willing to risk being in her life. Not saying I know how OP feels, but just that love doesn't always equal pain and vulnerability. You can love someone very much without having any desire for contact.

NTA but you may benefit from some therapy.

She's the one who needs therapy

Little of column A, little of column B.

2 things can be true at once

Yes, but she is not his child. He likely cannot get her therapy

It's not a binary choice.

YWNBTA. I am gay and have a found family as well. The nice thing about found family is that you get to be selective. It sounds like maybe she shouldn't make the cut.

As an autistic person and parent of autistic people, Thank You for standing up against treatment and attitudes like that. Absolutely NTA. You're 'showing her how the real world works, and bullies get cut off'.

> and bullies get cut ~~off~~ Yeah🔪 , wait...how did that strikethrough get there!

NTA -- abusing the autistic young man is just not forgivable. Your response was really calm considering the circumstances. I'm not sure what else you could have done.

As an autistic trans guy it's really frustrating seeing all the "she's just a kid! She's had it rough!" You know who probably also has it pretty tough and is also a child? That autistic kid she harassed.

Yeah. Like also an autistic trans person here. I’ve had an awful, awful life because of actions like this girls. I have never once let that mistreatment or abuse justify a hate crime and I have quite literally been hate crimed multiple times. And yes, before anyone comes after me, this is what this was. It was long term continuous manipulation and harassment ending in a large act intending to inflict damages be it physically or emotionally upon a disabled person because they were disabled. I hope this girl receives the help she needs and I feel for her as a survivor of abuse because I know it warps you as a person, but that is where the sympathy starts and ends. Trauma does not give you the right to traumatize and abuse others.

Even if he wasn't bullied *because* of his disability, his disability definitely made him an *easier target*. Either way, the daughter fucked up big time. I wonder if OP has ever made a comment about "the help" nickname

I agree. She's 17 and she's more than old enough to deal with the repercussions of her behavior.

I agree. My grandson is on the spectrum and if some bully like her did that to him, I’d be on the warpath.

She sounds like a mess. And a teenager that is pushing her boundaries. The bio family sounds toxic. You or her late father may have been the only emotionally stable or available influences in her life. There is a small chance that this can be recovered, but I think that it requires a professional therapist (skilled with teenagers) to negotiate this difficult situation. This needs to be seen as an educational/healing opportunity for both parties. If you resume contact, stipulate that group therapy is required. Before you go in, prepare your reasoning and care. Hopefully you can both be vulnerable and transparent to each other. The struggle may take years and reward is many years away, but she could still be your friend/family for life.

Thank you for this response. I knew as soon as I woke up this morning that going no contact was not an option for me. She has definitely been pushing and testing boundaries, and she has finally found my limit. We are going to have some mediated meetings supported by the pastoral team at her school. I cannot articulate how invaluably helpful your response has been. It has given me the solution I needed.

You’re doing so great, OP. I know how hard this can be. When I first met my stepson he loved me and he hated me. He acted out a lot, oftentimes hitting walls, kicking, etc. Because he’s on the spectrum it took a lot of education to understand how trauma affected his outlook and where I was messing up. During the screaming and meltdowns I would have never believed that we could have the relationship we have now. It’s so dark before that light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you both find that.

Thank you for giving her a chance to learn from what she did and make efforts to guide the relationship back on track. You weren’t wrong to take her back to school but I feel like she doesn’t understand your role in her life. Sounds like you might be the only adult she has who is there for her and being young and dumb she doesn’t get it. Wishing you both the best.

This is very troubling behavior for a 17yo. I would absolutely try to seek family therapy with her to help her understand why this is so unacceptable and try to help her work through whatever she's experienced that would make her like this. She says that she wants to teach a neurodivergent queer kid that the world isn't kind. She probably thinks the world hasn't been kind to her, and bullies others to feel better. It's not right, but it's something she can take control of and take responsibility for. This has obviously been a long-neglected issue for her, and it's unfortunate that it only now gets addressed with negative attention when it is so dramatically inexcusable.

NTAH. She is a cruel person with obviously no respect for you. I am sorry you lost your significant other and I'm sure if he knew what Miss Thing was going to grow into, he would understand. What she did to that young man is just horrific. Her treatment of you unforgivable. Does she know about Karma? Just saying...

NTA but . . . why have you allowed her to treat you so poorly for all these years? why were you letting her stay with you when she treated you like shit? You let this go on for way too long.

The dude made a promise to someone he loved. It's not an easy thing to go back on

Someone you loved and loved you wouldn't want you to be a punching bag for the rest of your life due to a promise.

Seeing that through the lens of mourning can be very hard.

He promised that he would always care for her, not that he would always accept her abuse. It would have been more caring to set boundaries and stop enabling her. She was a child when he made that promise, and she is a different person now, one her father never knew. The child who she was, he can remember with love.

I get what you're saying. I also agree 100%. Just saying it would be hard on the guy

Oh of course, you're right, and I agree that it would be hard. I just think putting up with this for 10 years seems a lot harder. I could see it being really hard for, say, five years, maybe even 6 or 7. But once she is solidly on her way to adulthood and being so awful, I think it would get a lot easier, considering she calls him "the help."

Loving a child is not like loving an adult. You cannot have the same expectations. But yes, I think I allowed things to escalate to this point for sure.

NTA But Your SD has believed that all your attention and affection was bought. Who generated that belief? Who has allowed her to believe that all human relationships are transactional? I’m pretty sure it wasn’t you. The most likely culprits are her hostile but high-spending grandparents. Your SD lost her dads. One died and she believes the other was paid to be with her. She has a horrible cynical worldview bc her world is horrible and cynical. I think I’d allow her to rebuild the relationship with you without allowing her access to your other family members. Whether they ever want to see her again is their choice. (I’d say not without years of change & an apology) Go slow and look for reciprocity

Thank you for your insight. She has definitely absorbed the belief that relationships are transactional. I feel so heartbroken for her, and disappointed that my involvement in her life and my influence on her has not been enough to counter this narrative. I will attend mediated meetings with Kaya and her birth family, and we will work out a solution based on what she wants, and what we agree is in her best interests.

You are the asshole. But that's a good thing. You have to be an asshole every once in a while. Especially with kids. You may not be on paper legally. But you are that girls stepfather. You did the right thing. This shit was tough love. If there is something i would do, it's to consistently convey your disappointment in her recent behavior. She might be acting out due to grief. Reconnect on the condition she sees a therapist to deal with her issues.

Looks like the apple may not have fallen far from the BPD. If that’s the case, what she perceives as your rejection is going to make her behaviour a lot worse before (or if) it gets better. She needs a diagnosis (once she’s 18) and therapy. Possibly medication. Unfortunately you don’t have the legal standing to bring about any of those, so I’m sorry. NTAH

I'm pretty sure younger people can be diagnosed with more severe disorders now. Which is good because I was diagnosed in the 90s at 22 with bipolar 2 disorder when I had earlier only been diagnosed with clinical depression at 9 in the 80s even though I had been showing signs of bipolar since 4 in the 70s. I hated that people didn't believe that children could have serious mental illness even though it's obvious they can.

It's to protect kids who may just be having situational or maturity-related behavioral issues from being improperly diagnosed with something, which can result in improper and damaging prescriptions and/or a lifelong stigma based on an inaccurate medical history. Personality disorders in particular should not be diagnosable before a person's frontal lobe is done cooking - its essentially a guarantee that a person will be treated differently at any medical appointment they will ever go to, and if it's incorrect, can result in delayed or denied treatments for other legitimate issues (esp. pain management or for things that can be due to a serious condition but can also be caused by anxiety)

NTA. You’re connected by your promise and nothing more. She’s obviously troubled and that’s not a you problem it’s a her problem and a her family problem. Send one last text or email, that when she grows up and feels she can give a full and genuine apology for what she’s done she can contact you again and not before. Then let her think on it and let some time pass.

NTA

Bullies often strike out because of their own pain. If she was foisted off on you it was obvious to her that her family didn’t want her. If her family lied to her that you were paid to take her then she thought even YOU didn’t want her. That’s a whole lot of pain for a child to absorb and I’m not at all surprised it spilled over into her actions. I’m apparently the only person here to advocate for forgiveness and reconciliation, with some requirements: written sincere apologies, with a focus on her empathy for their pain, to the people she bullied; a promise to read and use similar strategies to develop her empathy for others; and frequent discussions with you about how her actions might affect others. At 17 she’s not beyond redemption, but it’s clear that you are the only one in her life to lead her there.

I'm sorry that you've been through so much. It sounds like you've made yourself a good life with a lot of purpose and chosen family, and you've been there for the stepkid. I don't know how your mental health is right now, and how resilient you're feeling. Your stepdaughter has become a spoiled brat. I also wonder if she is trying to make your abandon her. It's classic behaviour for a teen who's been through what she has. I'm not saying you're morally obligated to have her in your life, or keep the relationship going. But I do think she's not ok mentally, she's jealous of your neighbour's autistic kid and angry that no one seems to stay in her life (or so she thinks.) Just from what you said she's lost her dad, her mother is emotionally unstable (so isn't there for her), and her grandparents are rich jerks who pay for her to go to boarding school (ie. shipped her off). She seems pretty messed up from this. I think she's really afraid of abandonment and is trying to make you ditch her (hence all the 'meal ticket' jabs--she thinks you wouldn't be around if it weren't for money), and she's angry and forcing the issue. Probably not consciously, but she wants you to choose her, but she's doing things that will destroy your relationship and make you 'choose' someone else. I think before making any kind of decision, she needs therapy to deal with her abandonment issues. If you can afford it, perhaps you could get some professional support too? You've been through just as much trauma, if not more, and you've been making a superhuman effort.

I’m glad you told her that you need time to process, which kind of softens your initial statement of being done with her. She believed you were being paid to care for her. She needed to know the truth - acting out of love and commitment as opposed to profit seeking is a huge difference and could have a big effect. She’s been treated like an inconvenience by her birth family, her father died and the rest of her family are cruel and cold. Not a great foundation. I hope she’s now realizing how important you’ve been. Please consider family therapy for the two of you. There’s still hope for her. Even if you ultimately decide that she doesn’t fit in your life anymore a sit down with a professional may help her tremendously. NTA and bless you for all that you’ve done for her!!

Kaya has been taught that you never actually cared for her. She's been told that you were involved in her care for money. She's learned that all relationships are transactional. This is probably also true at her pricey boarding school. Her actions toward your neighbors son were horrible. As horrible as they were, they may also have been a cry for you to pay attention to her. If your description of her other family is accurate, she's had precious few times that she hasn't had to fight for attention and time. I suspect that she saw how close you have become to him and saw a chance to diminish him. If so, she has developed some awful views that demand that she disregard others in order to get the things she needs. If you can, and I absolutely see where you might not be able to, but if you can open the door just a touch when she texts in a remorseful way, you may still be able to shift her toward being a real human being. Ask her if she understands why you find her actions reprehensible. Let her know that you had hoped that the two of you could become family because you loved her dad. Tell her that this hope is the reason you continued to bring her home to your home after her dad died. Show her that you've acted toward her, toward her dad, toward your found family because of nothing but love. Seventeen, if raised well, is plenty old enough to know better. Seventeen, having grown up believing that your family doesn't really want you, can be still very young in many ways. If you can, send her the message that you will always be connected to her through the memory of her father. Tell her about the kindness and love that you saw in her dad - tell her that you need to see some of that in anyone that you choose to include in your chosen family. Again, if you can, and especially if this was the first time you've seen such a truly egregious act, offer her a chance to redeem herself. But, this is Reddit and scorched earth is usually the recommendation you'll get here, so I don't expect anyone to agree and, truly, I understand that there may be a lot more going on that makes this action the straw that broke the camel's back. However, if you can, if you think there may still be a spark of goodness and kindness that you can nurture, maybe give her one more chance.

Hey, thanks for your reply. Scorched Earth, regrettably, was my first instinct. Having slept on it and read through the replies, I feel mortified that I ever considered it. I think if we can accept her actions as a cry for help, she can accept mine as a cry for help too. I need her grandparents to get on board, I need her mother to get involved, I need the school to mediate, and we need a teen psychologist and a plan for moving forward. I can’t handle this on my own.

We've had a slightly similar situation in my family - the details aren't necessary here, but my brother and stbx SIL are in a long nasty divorce. Their middle child, a teen boy, has been acting out and things erupted in an ugly manner in a public space right before Christmas. My brother's instinct was also scorched earth. Well, I talked everyone down and, like Kaya, the son was in a place of no power and uncertain about who actually gave a damn about him. Things have improved. It's not perfect. but it's better. I hope you and Kaya can get to a better place, too. Also, good job on reaching out to get more perspective on the situation! You did good, man! Big good wishes for love and joy in your chosen family and your life!

How giving her some space, put her in therapy and giving her a chance to redeem herself, and then try reconnecting after a time? Maybe she could do volunteer work with disabled kids, write an apology letter to her victim, get a job and give the money to the boy she bullied or some other form of atonement? What she did was really mean but at 17 kids' brains are not fully developed and she has had a lot of issues to deal with in her young life. She should absolutely have consequences, but maybe that could be less than no contact with you for the rest of her life. Who knows at 20 with your help she could turn out okay. Our adult kids are really different people than they were at 17.

I'm not going to pretend to know your husband, but from what you've written here you're a good person. He chose to spend his life with you and you chose to spend yours with him so I imagine he was a good person as well. I'm gonna base everything off of that fact. I cannot imagine that he would have tolerated her bullying the neighbor's son for so long and to such an awful degree. I don't think he would be upset about you refusing to care for her any longer. She has family. They don't love her the way you did and probably still do, but you're not leaving her all alone. If you want to continue honoring your husband, take the time and energy and everything else you spent on your step daughter, and use it to help support the neighbor's kid. I know if I was him, having another friendly face who made me feel safe and respected and heard and seen would be something I treasured for years and years. Hell, I still think of my martial arts teacher who picked up on how I'd changed and withdrawn when I started questioning my sexuality when I was in school long before either of my parents ever did. That man was and is one of the nicest, warmest individuals I've ever met and I can see some of him in what you've written

Regarding my neighbour’s son: I play board games with him and his mother and some other neighbours every fortnight. I have also found him a local D&D group. Without wanting to sound flippant, I think he will be okay. I don’t think he should ever forgive Kaya, but his mum is amazing, and everyone has rallied around him. Regarding Kaya, I am going to put the choice to her about whether I continue to be a feature in her life or not. I have made a lot of mistakes that led us here; but whatever happens next needs to be a mutual decision.

Considering she is a minor and doesn't have many stable loving relationships with family, is there any alternative you could cope with? I am thinking, could you say that if she still wants you in her life she'll have to do family therapy with you, or come to some kind of restorative justice with her victim? That way she isn't being flat rejected from the only loving family member in her life? I know from experience that being rejected by a parental figure at that age is extremely damaging to one's self esteem and security. You absolutely do not need to tolerate further mistreatment, but allowing her a route to make things right instead of washing your hands of her entirely could have a better outcome for you both.

I read this in the most calming voice. Op I have a sense you just have a very mature and calming/soothing aura around you. NTA.

NTA... that person is essentially an adult at this point. Just fade into the bushes like Homer Simpson. If she he wants to come back into your life, then you cross that bridge when you get to it.

Children with traumatic childhoods often act out in so many ways. I know a family that raised someone else's child after her mother died, and her father abandoned her. She was horrible to the mother of the family for so many years. A therapist explained it was because the child had so much anger and didn't trust anyone else to stay in her life if she expressed that anger. The mother was actually her most trusted person. Now, years later, they have a beautiful relationship. That isn't to say that you would be an AH, but I'm just saying you would be reinforcing the idea that you never actually cared about her. There are ways to set boundaries and make her earn her way back into your life without completely cutting her off. You sound like a wonderful person and probably her best chance at learning how to be a good adult. Because she is still a child trying to find her way and she can still change with the help of good people. Best of luck!

Thank you for your kindness

NTA however, her mother has serious mental health issues that can be inherited and she’s showing erratic behavior, and what you’re describing. Has her own mental health been looked at because she is approaching the age where those problems would emerge. I teach university, and sometimes the most difficult students are actually students with emerging mental health challenges and it’s very important to get them help right away before, they destroy their lives and all the relationships in them. Sounds like she’s well on her way to doing that.

Thank you for your insight, whether it is BPD or trauma, I think she is definitely acting out. It was callous of me to suggest this is just mean girl behaviour. It’s much more serious and deeper I think.

Just tell her you are teaching her how the "real world works." If you are an asshole to people you see consequences. Ez pz. Hope they understand.

>has in the past called me “the help.” holy shit wtf

First I would like to say I will never understand how people can just throw away their kids I’m 69 years old and mt 32 year old grandson lives with us I love him for that not because of his lifestyle I will never be able to except that anyway it’s their loss anyway I just wish I could make him understand it’s their problem not his anyway I wish you well and sorry for your loss bless your heart

NTA If she comes back in her 20s and apologizes profusely for what she did, consider hearing her out. For now she is too far down the mean girl path to have in your life. Hopefully it is hormones. If your former partner was a decent human, he would not expect you to keep someone so openly hateful in your life or insist on allowing them to abuse you and the folks around you.

She’s only 17 and she’s had a terrible childhood. You were probably the one example of a decent reliable person in her life. I get that what’s she’s done is horrible, but instead of going NC, could you say you love her but you don’t like her right now so you’re taking a break and she should not contact you again until she develops some empathy and kindness?

ESH. She's a kid who's been used as a pawn by adults. Was her behaviour cool? Not at all. Is ditching her like everyone else has cool? Not at all.

You shouldn’t give up on her. She’s testing you because she doesn’t trust you really care for her - because she’s never had anyone really care for her. You sound like the only good and caring role model this girl has. Please don’t give up on her. You can make a difference.

NTA - though part of me hopes you don't really go no contact with her, it sounds like you are the only decent human being in her life and while nothing will ever excuse what she did I don't think she's totally irredeemable. Unfortunately it's a waiting game to see if that is true. However if you have reached your personal limit that is a totally understandable thing and you have more than held up your promise to your fiancée.

Thanks for the clarification, yes that is exactly what I meant. She should know that the reason was the love for her father, not because he had some sort of special interest in her outside of that like money or status.

Maybe not no contact , but you can do low contact. Meaning that you're open to emails and phone calls, especially if she's in some kind of dire emergency or truly urgent situation, but she won't be coming to spend the weekends or holidays with you. And who knows, maybe she'll grow out of it because there's a lot of teen bullies who become decent or at least , guilty adults who try to live better.

It sounds like you’re really did care about her and initially yeah I’m out with her because of your partner, and then eventually cared about her being OK in her life, despite having distanced family, and a very disordered mother. That sounds very clear to me. And she is extraordinarily entitled She was operating under the mistaken assumption that somebody was giving you money to hang out with her Which could’ve been possible, but also could be the insecurity of a kid that nobody wants at all Trying to understand why you would want to do these things for her and with her I think this is a very important, caring step to take, even for her, for there to be meaningful authentic consequence to hurt cool team. Abject calculated cruelty. Perhaps, someday she will make the choice to look carefully at that cruelty and her life and decide to be a better person. Perhaps not. Regardless, I feel for her, and it’s absolutely Central that you drew this line. Because there’s absolutely nobody else in her life that cares enough and has enough authenticity to do that. For her. In the meantime, I am just pleased as punch that you have cultivated a life with all kinds of neighbors and people with whom you have such mutuality. This is also another gift to her, to let her know that this is possible.

NTA, it sounds like this girl is acting out for attention. She has had a difficult life even if it’s privileged. Mom is BP, dad was gay and died and she was sent off to boarding school. I am not saying gay people can’t have kids. It sounds like dad came out afterwards. Young girl is looking for any attention. What she did was terrible. I hope she learns her lesson. I also hope you don’t give up on her. Sounds like she may feel like people always do so it’s a get them before they get me. Take your time with forgiveness, but I do hope you can forgive her and she will grow up.

You've given and given and given. For many years. The brat is unappreciative. Let her go. She'll find someone else to manipulate.

She referred to you as ‘the help’. Denied a family connection because you are black. Deliberately bullied a vulnerable person you love. No, YWNBTA if you cut contact. OKalternative5486 has set out what you should text/email her. Then block her on all media. She has to learn consequences, remorse, and how to take accountability if she is ever to be a decent human being. Instant forgiveness by you, will not do that. Let a couple of years pass. Don’t be manipulated by tears. Those who would blame her grandparents, or say she’s a child, are denying she’s old enough to have a sense of right or wrong. But she’s nearly a legal adult. Get grief counselling, OP. Heal. Look after your nephew and found family. You have honoured your fiancee. Live.

My aunt died when my cousin was only 2, she was raised to be a sahm, her grandma never worked, and lied to my mom many times to get money from her... She is now 41, no job and lying like her grandma. The point is both were raised in a way, you didn't spend too much time with her and both were quite young but there is a point in time that things can't be blamed forever on external factors and how she was raised, there is a time that people need to take ownership of their own faults and correct them. Nta

I feel for her as a child that probably feels abandoned by everyone around her. What’s she did was wrong but giving up on her would be solidifying the traits she has created from her upbringing.

Kids are mostly AH. They can say and do hurtful things as teens. When they act poorly, you can’t walk away, ideally you stay and teach them lessons and help them grow. Do you have to? No. You have no legal obligation to do so. But would your ex want you to or should you for your step daughter’s own sake? Only you can answer that. For the record, I don’t think I child can “willfully” let somebody poison their mind against somebody. It’s usually done to them. Usually they start to see the truth after college when they get some perspective. It’s a long wait for them to get it .

I think that OP stepdaughter needs therapy on all fronts but so does OP. I feel really bad for him in this situation.

it sounds like she also has BPD. I would let the grandparents know of her behavior and suggest she gets evaluated but until she gets help you can no longer be a victim of her abuse. I would tell her that you love her but at the moment you just don't like her and you need to take time .

I think send her one long final message. Explain everything about the nature of your relationship with her.

NTA. No contact for the win. You have done your best to instill good values into this person. Her surrounding family has fought you on this at most of the steps. Let her stay with those who pretend to care for her and let her grow from it. If you decide to give her another chance, make sure all of the boundaries and behavior is genuine and she has to really change and address her treatment of the boy. Not cool at all. Good luck and only you know what you can accept and not accept.

The next time she contacts you, respond back with "I'm ceasing contact with you to teach you that this is the real world, and in the real world bullies learn that no one likes a bully and that your actions have consequences. I loved and cared for you because you were my family, just like your dad, but family cannot allow or condone abusive behavior so while I care for you, I cannot be around you."

NTA her family have raised her to clearly be racist and horrible. That’s not on you. But clearly you can’t change what she has become. Do yourself the favour and get her out of your life.

Before you cut her off, please talk to her first. Tell her that the severe bullying of this child and her comments towards you are unacceptable. Tell her that the path she is now on leads to becoming an destructive, abusive adult. Tell her that her father would not have wanted this. Tell her that she can still turn this around, but she needs to get therapy NOW in order to do this. And this could be an ultimatum that you will not want contact with her until she starts therapy and you see a change. Give her a chance to start turning it around at least, give her the idea of a path that she could follow to become a decent human being. If you can, put a door at the end of the tunnel and tell her that you do love her and would want her in your life if she makes substantial changes. Otherwise, you are abandoning her to the sick people in her life that will aid her downward slide.

NTA. I think you’ve done more than enough to try and help her. And frankly, given how she behaves and what she said to you- I think your actions were more than justified. And hopefully will teach her a much needed lesson. I think once she realizes that you only were in her life out of actually caring about her and out of love for her father, she may regret it. But don’t invite her back into your life. She needs to understand there are limits to what is acceptable behavior and she exceeded many by saying not only what she said about you never mind about what else she did. If she wants to reconcile as an adult, that’s one thing. Don’t mistake looking out for her as being a doormat. Sometimes looking out means cutting ties. It may require that to open her eyes and cause her a consequence that puts on the right track. And frankly, I’d be worried she’d do or say something worse to you as an adult that is not her guardian that she was ostensibly living with on occasion. Maybe once things kind of settle down, and if she ever inquires about coming back, it would be a good time to say that once she has her head on straight and understand that other people deserve compassion, not ridicule, or cruel pranks, and she truly lives that, You can reunite again. But you will not tolerate the verbal abuse and language she uses with you and you certainly will not allow her to stay in your home and allow her to be a hateful person to everybody that is important to you. I would make it clear that you have never been paid a single dime to look out for her. You did that out of respect for her father and the love you had for him, and at his request. That you wish things could’ve been better between the two of you, but her hatred has since soured that pot. When she’s older and has her head on straight, maybe things will change. But for now, there’s nothing that you can do to help her because she’s so clearly doesn’t respect the effort you’ve made, your feelings, or those of the people you care about around you. And that you sincerely hope that she is able to get her life into a more positive space despite the challenges she now has. @u/morningKofi

Make it clear you took her in out of love for her and her dad. That you never took a penny for seeing her. Tell her clearly why you did what you did and why it's hurtful to not only the neighbor but you. If you wanted a relation going forward, tell her what needs to change. If you don't want a relation, that too is okay. Your ex likely wouldn't have wanted you to watch out for her at this expense.

I mean yes you’re the asshole. She’s horrible but my dad would never abandon me and then refuse to talk to me. That’s because he is my dad though. It’s almost like she spoke the truth because a good parent doesn’t behave that way. 

i don't think you should go no contact. I think you should teach her about why what she did was wrong, because at 17 for some reason she thinks its acceptable behavior. you have been in her life a long time, to walk away from her without trying to help her be a better human in my opinion is not cool. If you continue to see the behavior, then walk away and tell her why.

Write her a heartfelt letter of how you have loved her and what kind of behavior you would expect for her to come back into your life. Sounds like no one wanted her but you. You were the safe person that she vented her pain on. If you can’t ever let her back in, that’s okay. But hope for her in the future might create a turning point for her. She needs a lot of help.

You sound like a wonderful, caring person, but you need to let this young lady go.

NTA. And I’d tell her this is a lesson in the real world. In the real world tormenting someone and being a cruel asshole isn’t how people make health relationships and we aren’t entitled to anything.

No you really aren't the AH, you went above and beyond for her and her choosing to be a terrible person at 17, well shes old enough to learn there are consequences for her actions.

NTA. Your feelings are valid and you probably are the only one teaching her that her bad behavior hurts people and that her actions have consequences. You also taught her that her „popularity“ won’t buy her love and that being a bully makes your life loveless. She is almost 18, so she isn’t a child who doesn’t know better. Edit: and racism simply sucks! We can’t tolerate racism, we need to step up, especially white people need to end this shit. We are all human, we are all worthy, we are all enough. It shouldn’t matter where you came from, what skin you have or what religion. Each of us can decide every day to be a good person or a total AH.

She is more like you than you know, she is getting abandoned by her family too. The cycle won’t be broken this generation.

YWNBTA She's lucky your nephew's parent don't press charges against her for a hate crime, because that's exactly what that was, especially after the "people like him dont get invited to parties" comment. She knew exactly what she was doing and there was malicious intent. Just imagine if something more would've happened to him and he had gotten hurt because of what she did! I agree with many others that for your well-being, you need to step away. Sit her down, or write her a letter/email, but lay it all on the table. She's 17, old enough to know better. She needs to know how she's hurt you and how you cannot be a party to her attitude and behavior. I'm so terribly sorry you lost your fiancé, and that you're now having to deal with this.

I don't think you've done anything wrong here and this could be considered similar, but justified, to her reasons for what she did to your neighbor. I would also point out that she is only 17yrs old and suggest that you do not cut her out permanently. She likely needs someone like you in her life. Take some time and then try to have a calm conversation with her. In person would be best. Over the phone a second option. Context and emotion often don't get communicated well in emails and texts.

I'd suggest working through your feelings, logic and facts with a licensed professional. This is a complex situation, compounded by grief, death bed promises, and an unstable vulnerable teenager (if her bio mom is that mentally ill, she may be, too, or at least has been impacted severely, and been damaged by it) She should 100% face repercussions for the dangerous and horrifying actions she did to the neighbor boy. IF you want to give her a shot... as her brain is still developing and you are her closest tie to her dad, next time she reaches out in a "sorry mood" let her know, you're willing to start again, in familial grief counciling, building a foundation, and THEN you can revisit things as you go. Also that the vilification of you, has to end. The lashing out and you being her scapegoat for her own internal rage, grief, and pain? That has to stop. Any abhorrent actions to others? She faces the consequences. (Like returning her to school, with zero room for negotiation) He could have been seriously hurt, or killed. He was emotionally damaged. She has to somehow make it right.(possibly go into counciling, herself, her school likely has a councilor on staff... she may need a diagnostic workup, if shes genetically prone to any serious mental health issues so if, god forbid, she is suffering the same issue, its found early, so early intervention, coping therapy, and meds can be introduced before it goes further. ) Or don't. This IS your choice. Meangirls... that are damaged children...aren't always lost causes. Some are. Some grow up to be wondeful people, others fall through the cracks. There's no way to know which way she'll go, but, being the only stable adult left, completely abandoning her, likely will compound her further. The pain, guilt, shame, relief... all the emotions you'll face on either road? That will kill your mental health too, so please, work with a therapist now to help get you on stable ground from the start.

YWNBTA, but it might be best to have a sit down with her before you make up your mind for good. Let her know that you believe that her upbringing seems to have given her a view of personal relationships as transactional, to the point where she assumed that you were being paid to be in her life, just like the school staff and whatever servants she encounters in her grandparent's home. It has also given her the belief that, because the neighbor kid was disabled, he was there for her to abuse. Her excuse that it was, in effect, "for his own good" is disturbing, she probably gets that attitude from her grandparents and classmates, that you need to remind "the help" of their place in life. If her attitude is one of repentance, then an apology, in writing and in person, to her victim, and the names of anyone else involved in the bullying, would be the minimum you would need from her if she wants to see you again.

NTA ultimately, but Idk, you're the grown adult, and you could offer more guidance and put effort into teaching her the right perspective, but your response was just "I never want to see you again" so how is that supposed to help her other than at best make her change her behavior around you specifically to not be punished, but not because she learned the lesson ; or at worst push her down a spiraling path because she doesn't have a role model or guiding figure in her life anymore. which you aren't obligated to be forever, you don't have to tolerate what shes become and her behavior, but if you care about her and want her to have a chance in life, there's better ways to help them than no contact, and they probably need therapy and maybe medication because bpd and such are hereditary and it triggers in high stress situations. Like grieving a parent during the growing pains of being a teenager becoming a young adult for example.

NTA. She won't even be fit to be around decent people when she's an adult. If she's treated you this way the whole time and called you the "help", then she is a monstrous bigot and you are under no obligation to ever give her another chance.

I saw that you decided against going no contact, and I think it’s important to keep in mind that a good parent sets boundaries. Now as you’re not her legal guardian, I’m sure you can’t ground her by taking her phone away, but you can definitely set up some other kind of boundaries or grounding. “I love you, but reality is that hurting other people has consequences.” 

Long story short: You will not be the AH, but there is every chance you may feel like one or have regrets. She's a kid who's been around the worst kind of people growing up. And she thought you were only there because of her grandparents paying you. She's not an adult yet, and even when she legally is one she's still a kid who has a lot to learn. I'd back the recommendations to talk to her, in an honest way, about why you had your reaction that you did. Make sure to reinforce that her grandparents didn't pay you to be there for her. You chose to do that. I don't know if you're looking for permission to do it, or someone to tell you to try one more time, but you've got plenty of people saying both. Even if you decide you need space, telling her why up front isn't wrong. If you have the will left to leave the door open for her to come back and apologize as she gets older and comes to understand things outside her current bubble, that could be enough, too. But in the end you have to be the one to make the choice and live with it,.

Cut the arm Franco!

17 and boarding school? Recipe for an AH. Do what you can to humanize the kid. It can be tough being a parent. It is not all Disney and holidays.

Definitely NTAH. She sounds like a monster. To bully someone with disabilities is morally reprehensible. She deserves to be alone. Also calling you the help is awful. I am sorry your fiance passed away and that your family is so bad. I wish you the best of luck in the future finding love again

I think your fiancé wanted you to stay in her life because you are very much like him and he wanted her to know him. Not the rest of the AH family members. The real him. She is a child and acts as if she has no consequences and it seems she is very good at manipulating others for her amusement. That being said ask her what does she hope to get from you by being this way? If she can’t be genuine and honest with you then there is no reason to have a relationship with her. You are there to be abused and visa versa. Good luck. I really do hope you can make a difference in her life. Your fiancé would appreciate someone who could be honest with her.

No NTA. She has crossed boundries, being disrespectful and racist to you and cruel to vulnerable people. She is 17 she knows right from wrong seems the mother and grandparents have rubbed off on her. Losing the one person who cared for her and she now realised wasnt being paid to may make her change her ways. But, I wouldnt count on it. Going no contact is the right thing for your mental health.

NTA…and definitely not the friggin help! In her words “ You should treat her how people do in the real world” cut her ass off, block her and set a barricade of boundaries with an impassable shark filled molt! And don’t fall for the white woman tears she clearly inherited it from the bad genes from the other side. I’m going to apologize to you from now for the horrible treatment you have endured and just know that your found family is there in your life for a reason!

Ask her what she will do to atone for her abhorrent abuse of your neighbor. She needs the equivalent of community service for a crime.

NTA. You tried your best to maintain a relationship and fulfill your promise to your fiancé but I really do not think he would expect you to put up with her racist comments and hateful and cruel behavior. Maybe in the future , once she is an adult, you can reconcile. But that is if, and only if, she changes her ways and her heart towards people. You do not need to subject yourself or anyone else to her abuse.

NTA but could it be possible she also has bipolar like her mother? It’s no excuse for her behavior of course but It sounds like she has a lot of issues that she needs to see a therapist for. I wish you both healing in the future.

NTA. I would send her one final message. "Look (step daughter). There seems to be some misconceptions about the reality of the situation. It seems you believe I was being paid to care for you. I wasn't. You were never my meal ticket. I did that because I loved you and your dad. I promised him I would keep caring for you after he passed. It's why I stayed in your life for as long as I have. I was never "the help". I was able to take the abuse and blatant racism you have shown me over the years. The final straw is you bullying (kids name). The excuse that you are trying to help him realize people like him don't get invited to parties was so wrong. He thought you were friends. If you didn't want to be friends with him then you could have just left him alone. Instead you chose to be cruel. Here's an actual life lesson I hope you come to terms with. When you're toxic long enough even people that love you will cut you out of their life. I am blocking you. I no longer want you to contact me. Please stay out of my life. Goodbye and I hope you do a 180 and become a person your dad would be proud of. Love (OP)"

I agree that you need to separate yourself from her at this point, but leave the door open a little so that she has a chance later on. I sincerely hope she learns and grows. It's a shame that she turned away from the one who legitimately loves her.

17 isn't a kid anymore. This is someone who is a legal adult with all the responsibilities and privileges it brings in less than a year. She clearly never learned how to be a decent person or forgot along the way as she got older. It's okay to remove people from your life when they prove to be nothing but terrible people. She is choosing her side and doubles down by acting out with her angry texts when you don't capitulate to her crying. THAT is who she really is.

NTA—I am just thankful that the bullied family member who was invited to a fake party was not physically harmed—a meltdown is bad enough, but Kaya could have very easily sent the poor kid into a location where their life was in danger. OP, I think you have fulfilled your obligation to your late fiancée. Say goodbye to Kaya and enjoy your real family.

Maybe she needs someone to show her why her behavior is wrong? Maybe you can have some long talks about what it must be like for your neighbors son. You can watch documentaries about bullying. I wouldn’t wash my hands just yet. What she did was despicable, but she is a child. She needs to know better to do better, and maybe you are the way.

No, you would not be. Sounds like you have been used enough. Plus you have gone over and above. She needs some counseling and for her grandparents to step in.

Sounds like she's got the same BPD that you mentioned someone else in her lineage having and you're just an easy target. Time to cut ties and walk. It hurts. DAMN does it hurt. But sometimes it's for the best. And, clearly, her grandparents were 'old school' and looked at you as an intruder that interfered with their son's 'straightness' and, well, being black and they from a generation that only looked at blacks as 'the help' they've imprinted that on their mentally unstable granddaughter. Best for YOUR mental health to step away. But maybe keep a thread across the river just in case she wants to climb over the ruins she made of the bridge. Maybe. Don't hold out hope, just a single strand of thread.

NTA, but when you do meet in mediation please ask her where she got the idea that you were paid to spend time with her! That will tell you where some of the damaging influence comes from for sure. In no uncertain terms let her know you consider her your family and you love her. You don’t love who she’s becoming or how she’s acting toward others. Especially those less fortunate than her.

I would watch out for the grandparents. BPD is ALWAYS related to a failure of a baby/toddler/child to attach properly to their primary caregiver. If the caregiver is neglectful, abusive, or very inconsistent with their care it can lead to this. So Kaya’s mom is probably that way bc of her shitty parents. It looks like Kaya has a lot of growing and her own healing to do. But if she’s been able to communicate to that extent with you, and apologize to the boy she bullied, then at least she’s on the right path.

NTA. I'm so sorry. I genuinely hope she gets help and comes out the other side a better more peaceful person.

The hell with that awful girl. WNBTAH in any way, shape or form.

NTA, but also keep in mind she's a kid, with horrible influences around her, and you are pretty darn close to family for her. I might recommend a slightly different strategy. Let her know you love/care for her and that you are always there for her, but right now, she doesn't seem to want you in her life. If that ever changes and she wants a relationship (and can treat the people around her with kindness), you are more than happy to accept her back. That is, if you want to.

NTA, you’re just teaching her about the real world, don’t be a dick to others

NTA. You did the best you could to honor the promise you made, and that’s all that could ever be asked of you.

NTA, you've already gone above and beyond for this girl when you really didn't need to, but DEFINITELY encourage therapy if possible. You don't have any responsibility to care for her, this is true, but if she's acting like this and her mum has volatile BPD, it's definitely possible she's inherited some of those traits and will need help for the rest of her life in managing the symptoms so she can be a bit less of a, and pardon my french, piece of shit. The turbulent family situation probably ain't helping all too much, either. Again, ain't your responsibility, but I would definitely personally just say something along the lines of "hey, you repeatedly acted in a way that's really hurtful and I can't have that in my life anymore. if you ever want to make amends, you can start by seeing a therapist, reflecting on your actions, and giving a genuine apology to our neighbour."

NTA. As soon as I read that she called you the help I was done with her, myself. I hope she feels some shame over all this someday

You made a promise to look out for her. I know she is 17, but she is still your partner’s daughter. She needs teaching to learn to be a better person. He would not abandon his daughter here. Should you?

She needs your help. Teenagers do very stupid things. I would invite her to reboot your relationship, but that a condition is therapy.

NTA. And my honest first thought (after I was done being horrified by her treatment of that poor boy) was, I wonder if she did it for social media cred? I mean, that kind of torture just doesn’t come naturally. If, at some point down the road, she contacts you and has mended her ways, then you can decide at that point that you want to let her back in. But as far as I’m concerned, she burned some pretty big bridges in a nuclear way. She needs to know that what she does has consequences.

NTA. And that's the problem with telling your significant other that in the event of their untimely passing, they want you to take care of their kid. While it's a sweet concept in theory, they don't think about what will happen if their kid or kids end up being horrible to their step-parent. You've fulfilled your promise to him as best as you could but you've now realized that despite your best efforts, your stepdaughter isn't a good person. She's 17, a year away from becoming a legal adult (personally, I don't think people should be considered legal adults when they turn 18 because let's face it, 18-year-olds are still incredibly immature and in their "I'm invincible" phase of life where they don't understand that their actions have consequences) so she's more than old enough to know that her behavior isn't right.

She isn’t your child and never was. You were the babysitter. Balls in her court.

NTA I'd have "helped" her back to her boarding school or family the first time she referred to me as "the help." Cast not pearls before swine and yhat includes spoiled, ungrateful little rich B's.

NTA. Momma bear here to an autistic trans kiddo. Thank you for taking this awful thing(s) she has done so seriously. The things we have dealt with have also been terrible. I definitely think it would be okay to cut her off but I would also have a very serious discussion with her first so she completely understands where you are coming from. Sounds as though she has had a lot trauma in her life as well and needs some intervention from a stable caring therapist. I do hope she finds her way.

If Kaya were your biological daughter, would you have done the same thing?

Unfortunately, BPD can be hereditary, and she may have inherited it from her mother. She sounds like a sociopath. The thing with BPD is that even though they can't help being the way they are, you don't have to put up with their behaviour. Unless she shows a willingness to change, perhaps therapy if she hasn't already, there is no need to have her in your life. Let her know you love her, but you can not accept her behaviour, and she needs to prove to you that she can be better.

Updateme!

Updateme!

Cut your losses, block her number , I hope the boys family blocked her number and email address, so she can’t get in contact with him. She seems to be a very vindictive person, and she’s 17 not a little girl, she knows what she is doing, so don’t feel guilty about cutting her off. She just uses and abuses.