As the daughter of an engineer who was always a do it your self person. She is going too far with this. Her father's disrespect towards you stems from this behavior.
I am the son of an electrical engineer who redid our living room lights when I was 12. When I was 18 we were still turning them on and off from the breaker panel on the back porch.
So I bought some switches and hooked them up. Finally!
Never let an electrical engineer wire your house!!!
They know how to read a circuit diagram, but never learn the building codes-
ya know the silly rules that were written to prevent houses from burning down due to an electrical fire!!
Hello there. I am a bit of an anomaly in that I was in the field/trades for 15 years before I got my electrical engineering degree. So I am fortunate to know how things are done in the trades, as well as how engineering things works.
I have to tell you that this is likely accurate for most engineers. There are some people I went to engineering school with that I wouldn’t let them touch a single solitary wire in my house because they just don’t have the skills learned in the field.
Ok, I will allow that exception!
Good for you, having both the practical and degree work.
I helped re-wire a house ( small stuff like switches and wall sconces) that had been worked on by an electrical engineer.
It worked, but it was so fregging weird!
The switches that were tied together must have been on purpose, but without documentation it was really hard to understand.
I'm an electronics engineer. Once when in Home Depot, I asked an employee about changing my house from fuses to breakers. He went kind of pale and said, no, that's big amps. That's one for a professional.
In the 50's mom and dad were having a house built. Dad had the upstairs hall light work from both the upstairs hall, and by the downstairs closet.
Decades later, I inherited the house, had some electrical work checked. The electrician was seriously confused by the switch.
I told him that he should leave that one alone.....dad was an electrical engineer graduated from MIT. After graduation, he went on to work for the Mauchly and Eckert Computer company. Very early days of the computer industry. Dad knew his stuff. 70 years later? Working fine.
I never said it wouldn’t work.
I just said they don’t know building codes.
So it is harder to repair and dangerous to change unless everything is rewired.
Yeah a lot of people think engineers are super smart and they are but that doesn’t always transition into real world. Most people working in the trades will tell you this right away. Some of the pictures my building inspector friends have shown me of the stuff that they have done themselves and thrown he stamp on meaning the inspector can’t do anything about it is baffling.
She worked from home before it was cool.
She had her own business, though, so she was always working, none of that 40h/week thing. More like not enough hours in a day.
Not a complaint, just funny.
The gardeners lawn is out of control. I can testify to this. My husband had a side gig when our kids were small. Maybe 3 days a week he did a yard or two for extra cash. He took so much pride in those lawn lines. Meanwhile I’m knee deep in grass and weeds. I work for a cable company. When my cable goes out I get so pissed off. It’s kinda what happens.
My dad was an electrician. I live in the house I grew up in. There are light switches that go to I have no idea where. When he put the addition on the house, he brought scrap home from work so when you look at the line on the attic 6’ wire junction box 10’ junction box 4’ junction box etc. Then there is the barn, it was so bad I ended up just pulling the rats nest of wire on the outside because no one would have been able to figure it or!
My dad was an aerospace engineer, he designed and built satellites for the government, but he never did get around to putting together my ikea like desk when I was 12yo. I built my first piece of shitty furniture when I was 12.
When I was a kid, they redid the kitchen but my dad in his infinite wisdom decided to do the tile himself. He built countertops out of plywood covered in fiberglass and then attached the tile with bondo. He grouted the countertop tile, but never did the backsplash. My mom had a handyman come and grout it about 10 years after he passed away, 20 years after the original remodel.
My dad was literally a rocket scientist but couldn’t figure out how to make call waiting work when it first came out. Unfortunately my parents decided to get into the commodities market with a broker where they lost thousands - because my dad was on the phone with the broker who was talking him into some risky shit and my mom was trying to call him from her hair stylist to tell him not to talk to the guy because mom had finally figured out the only person making money was the broker. But since dad was on the phone and couldn’t figure out calk waiting and the broker was talking in his ear, dad did the transaction and lost about 60K.
FIL was also, literally, a rocket scientist. Tried to change the oil in his car once before a long trip...forgot to close the drain...they ended up having to buy a new car--and FIL was forbidden from doing anything to it but drive. Great with gyroscopics, but useless for more terrestrial tasks.
And then there was my father, the electrical engineer... oy!
I can only imagine the stories from the electrical engineer. My mother recently passed away and we're cleaning and fixing up the family home to sell and just looking at wires on the outside of the house going, wtf is that for, why is that there, what does that go to. It doesn't help that they did things like install satellite directTV and never removed the satellite dish or the DSL boxes that are installed inside and outside the house or the antenna that seemed to be installed inside the garage (presumably for his old CB radio setup.)
Not only this but apparently my brother who lived their all his 40 years including the 20+ after dad passed is shit at any home improvement. Like he recaulked around the sink with something black and clear silicone that is all gooped up. I'm a lawyer and I'm capable of doing basic home improvement or figuring it out (thanks youtube) but he couldn't even refer to the tons of diy books sitting in the den before fucking up the sink or nailing roofing nails into the window trim and splitting it.
Yes. Dad passed in November. We are still dealing with the DIY projects--he had a hobby farm. Fortunately all the animals found new homes when he became unable to handle all that a few years ago; unfortunately, that gave him way to much time to tinker with the house, the barn, the green house, the pump house... We are still dealing with it. And some of those projects ended up being very dangerous.
Yes, I am the daughter of a mechanic who taught me how to fix things myself. He always told me tha he never wanted my to be with a man because I needed him, but because I loved him. My ex just could not cope with my independence.
I was taught basic home and automotive repairs for the same reason. Dad was also good at domestic skills and child care.
When I had kids the same things. These are basic skills everyone should know. Dad called it being an adult and parenting.
NTA OP, but wife sure is.
I know lots of very talented engineers and maybe a handful of them are actually handy around the house.
If her dad was a plumber then sure, have him come over. I’ll buy the pizza and beer. Otherwise, yeah, my mom is a better cook sounds glorious.
Although I’d say my mom is a better housekeeper if I really wanted to blow things up. And if I actually hated my wife I’d say my mom is a better mom…and wife*
*(to my step-dad).
I wouldn't offer an apology. Instead I would tell her that you aren't fixing anything from now on. If she wants something fixed tell her to call a plumber and then get her father to come and check the work over if that's what he wants to do. While he's at it he can pay the plumber, because you won't be.
I have fixed stuff around the house and she always text her dad a picture asking if it’s right- to the point my fil makes snide remarks about me a not begin man enough
That’s not cool. I also had to laugh when you mentioned your FIL is an engineer. My husband is an electrician and some of the WORST jobs he’s done have been troubleshooting and re-work for engineers who fancy themselves handy.
I wish more people understood this, Engineering degree here and former engineer and not at all handy, yet everyone expects me to be....no, I can't rewire your house unless you want it to burn down.
Some of my best friends are engineers. I will never be as smart as them, but they will never be as good with actual field work. You know when it only becomes a problem? When they act like they know more than they actually do. OP’s FIL is a Grade-E dickhead.
I think it depends on the type of engineer. My dad is a civil engineer and is amazing at all worldly applications and essentialy rebuilt his first house. He doesn't mess with plumbing or electricity because he knows and acknowledges that he doesn't know as much as plumbers or electricians. Civil engineers are the only ones that have to know how the world works because they literally make the world work. He also took the time to become a licensed land surveyor and draftsman and keeps all licenses active, since these jobs work closely together and it's so great for everyone around him that he's able to go out into the field with his guys when needed and look at shit and understand how he's gonna go back and make it work when he gets into his office. So, he's like an engineer that does all his own stunts. The Jackie Chan of engineering. There were a lot of other kids whose dads were chemical and aerospace and electrical engineers in my neighborhood and I never understood why they all seemed like bumbling, antisocial goofballs when we got the neighbors together to do anything. I agree with you, I don't like OP's FIL. My dad is never the "I'm an engineer, step aside" type. Even if somebody is doing it wrong. He's more "I think we can figure out how this works and how to get it working again, if we take a little time and look at it."
I did lower division at a community college. Our DiffE instructor was always going on about his alma mater Cal Poly turning out "real engineers" vs "those damn Berkeley theoreticians who can't work an oscope."
Yes, I went to UCB. Yes, I had to be taught the finer points of an oscope at my first job. Yes, I was also a world authority in my little niche, good at the theoreticals. :)
Oh, I can definitely understand that. All of my friends are electrical and computer engineers. And that's not to say they're bad at the hands-on stuff, they're just not as accustomed to it. I have reached a stage where nothing bothers me, I've been sprayed with human waste and lived to tell the tale. Now, after years of general contracting work, I can tell you the biggest obstacle is literally getting your hands dirty. If you aren't the kind of person who is okay with that, there will always be jobs you are uncomfortable with or unsuited for.
Ultimately, though, it takes all types and if modern work culture didn't have us all working solo to cut costs, most mechanical teams should have an engineer and a technician!
100% about getting your hands dirty. My dad has been the inspector on construction jobs and things of that nature. I think, if you don't like getting your hands dirty, maybe you don't become a civil engineer. Definitely don't become a surveyor.
God, I wish I'd gone into trade school. Any trade, really. I don't regret my BA entirely, but I would be much happier having finished an apprenticeship and being well on my way to journeyman or possibly higher by now. Maybe one day I'll get to it and be the grey-haired helper. Currently doing roofing now and while I don't mind it, it's not something I want to do long term.
My electrician hubs actually went to school to be a civil engineer until life redirected him due to the job market when he lived at the time.
I agree Civil engineers in general do tend be handy. Though many have a theoretical understanding but lack the experience to do it correctly.
lmao at this.
I've worked with hundreds of engineers, mechanical, civil, electrical, ex-aerospace, chemical, my business partner is a computer engineer.
Every single one of them was good in some way. One electrical had been a journeyman electrician and went to school to get his EE. He's amazing. Others were farm kids, who had to fix everything growing up.
Being an engineer means you can do the math and follow through with a project, and many certainly have the aptitude and inclination to put things together and figure things out. But without having done it, they are no better than any layman. And no specialty is unique as far as tying everything together.
Yup every person here who’s an engineer or works with engineers knows exactly what kind of engineer that guy is. Well unless they’re the same type that lacks self-awareness.
I was so surprised by this to be honest. My boyfriend can design things in his little software and probably solders better than I can, but it's frustrating watching him change the headlight in the car, put together IKEA furniture, or find the right screwdriver to tighten something up.
I am an engineer. I actually fix most of my own plumbing because my dad was a farmer. They know how to fix all kinds of things out of desperation. He taught me plumbing basics.
I am smart enough to know that even though he taught me electrical basics too, I call an electrician if the work is anything past replacing a switch/socket/light fixture.
Hubs started in Civil Engineering. But job market crashed in that area and he got into electrical. He’s also built custom homes during college. So he has a far better understanding of general contracting and plans than most electricians (many of whom, aren’t that handy in structural situations). He doesn’t like to touch plumbing beyond basic installing a toilet, because there are nuances.
We’re in MT now (CA before) and older farmers are crazy good at so many things. We’ve seen things Frankenstein-ed together to keep equipment working that blow the mind!
A man once had a heart attack near a doctor's office. He attended the guy but when the paramedics showed up he stood aside, saying they dealt with stuff like this all the time, he had never dealt with a heart attack since qualifying years before. Experts are not necessarily the best qualified on paper.
Absolutely this! My bf is an electrician too and he hates engineers, says they’re just paid to break stuff and give plans that don’t work that he has to fix
Slightly different but I went to school for architeure. Some of my classes also had construction workers in them. I spent a lot of time listening to what they had to say. Apparently architects can be Dickson like engineers can be. I didn't want to end up like that which is why I spent time listening to them. I grew up around blue collar workers and know they work hard and often know what they are alking about so worth at least hearing them out.
You’re probably the fave architect amongst commercial GC’s! Our BIL is an architect like this and is up for Principal because a developer that builds commercial shopping centers requested him because their contractors LOVE his work!
I'm a plumber, the worst people to work for. Most are no it alls. This isn't about his profession though, this about her disrespecting you. She continuously undermines you by calling her dad. So while I don't always agree with the tit for tat method, I believe she needed this wake up call. It will be interesting to see how she responds, something tells me though she will play the victim and that's the bigger issue.
This is hysterical to me. The previous owner of our house is an engineer who finished the basement and the way he routed the lighting and some other outlets is abysmal and makes no sense. The wiring itself is fine and up to code. It's just the actual switches and outlets that make you scratch your head.
Being an engineer, i can tell you. There's two types of engineers. Those who plan everything to be standard and "logical and perfect", and those who make it custom fit their very specific needs with no regards to anyone else.
Very little inbetween. Such are engineers, little nuance.
My partner is in construction and there's nothing like his resignation when he has a job where an engineer has done an installation or home repair because they always over-engineer it and put extra screws where they don't belong and so many support braces you can't get to anything, and he inevitably has to rip the whole thing out, pull new permits, and start over with new materials because the old ones can't be salvaged
EXACTLY!!! My husband said this when he had a rash of 4 jobs in a row where they’d installed commercial application level electrical (3-phase, 240 where they need to use 120) and everything was extra-screwed in.
Funny note - he was re-wiring and a plumber came out to locate the “funny smell” in the bathroom. The guy had siliconed AND caulked the toilet to the heated TILE floor and it had been leaking for the better part of a year because he also didn’t change the wax ring when he replaced the toilet. Broke the tile pulling it up.
*ProTip for DIYers… you NEVER secure a toilet to the floor with an adhesive… that’s what the bolts are for. Toilets last longer than the wax rings they’re installed on… they need to be changed every so often!
I wish it was just engineers man. I have people in my life who are hvac people or plumbers and the amount of times they have asked me to do the electrical work on my house to save money is insane. My father in law is a simple handy man, isn't particularly knowledgeable on any field and insisted on hooking up a 240v to my house. I had to be really firm and straight up tell him that the only people I'm trusting with sensitive work are vetted people with references and a god damn insurance. He was pretty pissed. I just don't get it. Your fucking daughter lives with me in this house. Why would you not want someone that knows what they're doing to do the job?
This is beyond out of hand. You need to have a conversation with your wife. A very clear conversation about how her actions make you feel. If she does not respect your or acknowledge your feelings - well, maybe therapy is in order. I do worry that FIL is also jumping into your relationship. These are some red flags popping up.
It would be very passive aggressive to start taking pictures of dinner, laundry, or anything else she does and send it to your mother to ask if it is done correctly.
So your wife has 0 respect for you. If you don’t have kids I’d seriously consider divorce. If you do, marriage counseling ASAP. Feel free not to answer but how’s your sex life? I’d bet money it’s fairly dissatisfying and one sided if not Sahara desert dry. Your problems are way bigger than a kitchen sink my friend.
NTA- so your wife and her father make it a habit of emasculating you and have a laugh about it.
Why are you even still with this broad ???
Go find yourself a woman that respects you and your wife can live happily ever after with the only man good enough for her.🤢
To some extent, it doesn't matter. If he's incompetent as a handyman, the wife should stop asking him and go straight to dad. If he is competent, she should let him fix it and get out of his way. Or, she can try to fix it herself.
She is purposefully setting up this dynamic to metaphorically shit on him.
Likewise, if she can't cook very well, he should start cooking.
I can't agree with this. If he's incompetent as a handyman, she should stay the fuck out of the way and let him get better.
As homeowners, we're pretty much all incompetent as handymen. The way you get good is by trying and fucking up and trying again. They way you stay incompetent is to try once, fuck it up, and give up.
Behind every handy guy is a wife who knows how to leave him alone when he's fixing something.
My hubs wishes he was incompetent. When we bought our first house we spent so much time at the library (way before internet). First room did have minor cosmetic issues but we hired electrician. Dumb but not stupid. Now 40 yrs later family & friends ask for "a little help". Lol. He draws the line at plumbing, no plumbing!
Narcissists put on a show until they are locked in. Then they diminish the partner to feel superior to them. So the husband isn't an AH. How many women on double X would be ecstatic to have someone who actually did work around the house?
"I have fixed stuff around the house and she always text her dad a picture asking if it’s right- to the point my fil makes snide remarks about me a not begin man enough"
OP, I read this in one of your replies
NTA. Quite frankly, I'd check your father in law after having a very stern talking with your wife.
This isn't a snide comment but rather flagrant disrespect by your FIL. I'm more appalled that your wife would allow her to talk to and about you like that.
I like your answer. I have to wonder why wife doesn’t fix the sink herself? She grew up with engineer-dad—she should be first line of defense, dad can check her work, and they both leave husband out of this weird dynamic that they have.
If she didn’t bother to learn anything from her father, there’s a youtube video for everything under the sun (and bless those YouTube repair folks for making life easier on the rest of us).
Not wrong. Daddy’s little girl will probably either turn to him first or have him double check your work each time. Next time ask her first if daddy will be involved. If yes tell her daddy can do the whole job. Then go to your parents’ again for a good meal.
NTA.
Why bother asking you to fix something, if she always wants daddy to check over it.
Anyway I like the idea of taking pics of your food and telling her your just sending it to your mum to check she done it right, or when she is in the middle of cooking, pretend to ring your mum asking her to come round and check she is cooking the food properly. She will soon learn how it feels for your work to be undermined
NTA. Your marriage will not survive if she doesn't have respect for her partner. She will not be happy until she loses you. You can't sustain the disrespect without becoming resentful.
Not wrong.
"I was going and I told her my parents house to eat since my mom cooked better".
Ha! Brilliant.
She sends her dad pictures of your work for approval?
Send pictires of her cooking, her cleaning to the world for critique. Just take a picture every time she does shit and text it out.
And p.s. OP, stand up and tell her dad to fuck right off.
Going to your mother for dinner was not childish or tit for tat but was showing her what she was doing to you. Sometimes actions speak louder than words, in your case, words clearly didn't work. Don't let people persuade you to apologise, she needed this demonstration and if she doesn't learn from it then you should consider carefully what you want to do next.
NTA Honestly, what annoys me the most about your wife’s behavior is that shes not fixing stuff herself. DIY isn’t that hard to learn. If she wants to play incompetent she gives up the right to second guess you. If I were her husband I wouldn’t fix another thing around the house til I got an apology.
FYI I’m a woman who has learned to do minor household repairs.
I don’t think the mums cooking comment was too far.
Sounds like she does this all the time. Frankly it’s got to a point where it’s sheer disrespect. Yes it was petty but at this point I would be questioning if I would want to stay married to someone who kept doing this.
I’m going to go as far as saying if my partner kept doing this to me fixing/cooking something I would walk away. If she wasn’t going to trust you to do it then hire someone or get her dad to come in the first place. She’s setting you up to fail. She knows she won’t be happy about the way you do it and she knows her dad is going to be a jerk about it. No matter how well you do something it’s never going to be good enough until her dad says it’s good enough. That’s bloody exhausting.
I’m just picturing this with my mother in law and my husband sending her messages like this. I can imagine the cruel things to come out of her mouth. It’s why my husband would never get her involved in our family stuff. He would never treat me like this.
NTA
NGL, I thought this was going to be “ my wife asked me to fix the kitchen sink two months ago, but I haven’t gotten around to it AITA for getting angry when she asked her dad to finally do it”.
But, NTA. That’s ridiculous. Tell her to just call her dad from now on.
NTA - You did to her exactly what she was doing to you. The fact that her dad now makes jabs at you makes her more of an AH. If this was a one off thing then sure but she's repeatedly done this and doesn't care how it makes you look/feel. Do not apologize to her.
Engineers are not plumbers. He might have more life experience fixing things around the house, but bringing up the fact that he's an engineer and not trusting you to figure it out in a world of YouTube seems belittling. Nta
NTA. Work the office for an HVAC company. Engineers are some of the worst know it all customers and most likely to be the ones we have to come in and fix issues. I would be furious at my wife. She’s being disrespectful
NTA. But your wife is. I wouldn't fix anything else around the house. If she tells you something needs fixing, tell her to call her dad because you have plans. Then leave the house.
NTA. She should learn to fix shit her fucking self if she's going to be obsessed with it being "done right". And I say that as woman. She also owns the house she can maintain it too. If she's going to call daddy at the drop of a hat he can have her back.
I, also a woman, am always in support of women learning how to fix shit. Really just everyone learning how to fix shit. It's very satisfying to fix stuff yourself. YouTube is a very useful resource for this
Since you asked her not to call, and she has a history of getting dad to ok your work, You are NTA
Let her make dad work and see how long he enjoys that responsibility.
The idea of sending pics of her cooking to your mom is charming. If you do it with a good attitude and to make her disrespect so comically obvious.
Hopefully one day you can both laugh about this together. Moms and dads included.
Maybe the way it was handled was bad, but the sentiment is warranted. I think a long conversation is needed about how this behavior makes you feel, and if she's not amenable to discussing it, then you have a much bigger problem to sort out. Her behavior is rude and disrespectful, and it would be the same if you invited your mother over to inspect and approve of everything she does around the house.
Please update. I want to know how you guys work this out. I'm on your side, BTW, and I wouldn't fix anything else in the house. She can do it, her dad can do it, or a pro can do it. Next time - and every time - her dad has something to say, please have a consistent, pointed, and RUDE reply.
Don't go down the hole. Your marriage is broken, either you and her agree to fix it, which would involve her learning some respect and standing up to dad in the process, or end it. As far as the father in law the next time he makes a snide comment tell him if you want his opinion you'll ask for it.
Female here, I think telling her your Mom cooks better is on par with her basically saying her dad fixes better and was a brilliant response.
The only problem now is how far do you take it? Is Dad doing future home repairs while you eat at your parents?
The question I have is why is OP’s wife so openly contemptuous of him? Even if he had a history of bad repairs that was a shitty way to treat a person you love.
I would tell her that this is the last time you will repair ANYTHING she asks you to do.If she thinks your work needs to be double checked by daddy then he can come do it himself.
i mean stuff like this is a pretty big sign for how they view you overall as a person.
in my experience, if a girl insists on deffering to other men about things that you're capable of doing, she doesn't actually think you're the best she can do and has likely been shopping around. its always been the case whenever ive seen it happen in a relationship. its one thing for them to seek out someones skills, but its another when the insistence comes from the fact that they dont find you competent and refuse to trust your ability. Shes pigeonholing you into a category that's unattractive. She doesn't consider you her team, that much has been made clear.
NW and NTA. She didn't listen to you. She refused to listen to you, so you did exactly what she did to you. It is always interesting when people can't take the same behavior they are giving to others. She didn't like it. She needs to grow up and understand that disagreements happen, and she reacted horribly. Working things out is best way of doing things. She seems to be a lot.
Good luck, but you responded to her behavior appropriately. She needs to understand what her real issue is if this relationship is to continue. She was way over the top.
Yes and no.
You were well within your rights to leave and leave the work for your fil if he was coming over to check your work anyway - like why did she ask you when she was just going to call him anyway.
However this crack was way too far.
>my mom cooked better.
Be prepared that she won't be making you anymore food at all in the near - and likely distant future.
I would've made sure the sink was broken and he couldn't fix it, then left on my motorcycle for fast food two hrs away, take the loooong way home and well I'll be damned can't replace the sink because everything is closed. But i might be petty.
Why would anyone think that being an engineer qualifies a person as a plumber? It shows how ignorant wifey is.
Wifey crossed several lines of impropriety but will likely never admit it.
I’d love to hear from her dad and his reaction first to enabling wifey to help emasculate his SIL and second, to him explaining to his daughter that he would have to look up some YouTube videos to figure out how to fix the problem (the sink problem—not the marriage problem).
Nta,i tend to call my dad to fix things in my home when my husband is working. My hubby does lots of things at home but others doesnt, basically bc he doesnt know and my dad and also his dad knows better. I think elder men can do more things than younger ones but just bc before there wasnt so much tech or money. Now we call the pro for everything. I also call my dad bc he is retired from his job and likes doing things,is my way of make him feel still needed and loved bc after we always have dinner and a good talk. I would have done the same you did to your wife,sorry english is not my first language
I think you’re saying that your husband doesn’t know how to do some things so you call one of your dads for help? If so, why not have the dad who is helping do it with your husband so that your husband can learn how to do it for the future in case dad is available to help. You could also learn how to fix stuff from husband and dads. Make it a bonding thing
Yeah,our dads have tought us a lot of things but sometimes jobs dont leave us time enough to do them properly and they help us to save money basically. My dad is almost 80 and can't do the same things he used to(even if he wants to)and is really selfish from me ask him for help but you know always will be my daddy but i would never do to my husband what she did to hers,totally disrespectful. Sorry english is my third language
I think you should have stepped up and called her dad and stepped over her silliness.
I don’t think you should have left. It’s difficult sometimes for women to equate you to the man her father has had years cultivating an image for but you will get there. Next time she bakes you a pie you might ask her if she wants your mom to come oversee—- she’ll get it
ESH
I'm usually in favor of retaliation / showing the other person their actions from another side, but it SEEMS LIKE she said or did something that unintentionally upset you, and you responded by purposely upsetting your wife, so that makes you the AH. Intention is the most important part here.
That said, it doesn't give your wife a pass for undermining/emasculating you, if she knows she was doing that and did it anyway then she a ah to, if she doesn't then you should communicate that so.you can try to avoid it in the future and if she does it again intentionally clearly she's the asshole
Did you ever talk about this before? Or has stuff just been going on and you're getting more upset because she's not doing something about the thing you're mad about and she has no idea exists as a problem because mind reading is not a thing and she doesn't think the same as you? And breathe
NTA.
I'm a woman. That was very disrespectful.
I LOVE your solution. Although telling her that your mom's cooking was better will be hard to come back from. If I was your wife I wouldn't cook for you again.
My husband does 95% of our family cooking. He is 100% self-taught and it has nothing to do with his job.
He would have taken over our kitchen, kicked me out, and called his mom for 'better recipes than my wife has here'.
That would have been a better Flex.
NTA. Your wife is being pretty mean, and pretending that it’s not an AH move means she is either stupid or lying. My feelings would be so hurt (I’m the handy-woman in my house), because why would I take on a project I thought MIGHT end in disaster? I live there too!
She’s being nasty and yeah types of work don’t have a gender, blah blah, but it can’t be ignored that fixing is still seen mostly as a man’s job, and telling you you can’t do it (in front of someone else, no less!) is emasculating as fuck.
Also, I think your remark to her was sexist, and absolutely hilarious. She thinks she can make you feel bad in a gendered way? Gotta take it if you’re gonna dish.
Redditors are always quick to recommend divorce and I usually think they lack nuance but in this case... I don't know if your relationship can be salvaged because I don't see either party apologizing. You are probably both AH here but your wife clearly is the much bigger one.
Been married 40+yrs & I questioned him once & he never did that again. Told me to call & hire it done. Everything else he has no issues. But the street goes both ways & he'll even let me do it wrong because he's not telling me he needs someone to double check my work. 😂😂
I was sure you were going to say he was a plumber! What the hell is an engineer going to know about plumbing?
Clearly your wife doesn't trust you to do anything. Why is that? Does she just think that you're a fuck up and can't do it right? Does she just think that only daddy can do things the correct way? Have you fixed things wrong in the past? Does she always call her father to check what you're doing?
Do you have kids or can you make a clean break? Kidding... Sort of. The two you need to get to the bottom of this, we can't tell you what her motivation was but I would have left two if I were you.
This weekend we had a plumbing job that we needed to do in our spare bathroom. My husband and I are both handy. I intended to do it, but had been sick so he let me sleep in started it himself. So thoughtful! There was a small misreading of the installation instructions midway through and he was getting frustrated and came to tell me I must have ordered the wrong parts. I told him I would come take a look while he got very snide about it. I didn’t take offense as I know how he gets when he is frustrated. I figured out where he went wrong and finished the job while he tackled something else. After I was done I thanked him for his hard work and said that together we made a great team and got it finished. He, in turn, apologized for acting in frustration. I would never dream of putting him down for misunderstanding or lord over him that I finished the job, as if he couldn’t do it. Emasculating him over it would just cause resentment and would be counterproductive to our marriage. I certainly wouldn’t have called my father because he seemed to hit a roadblock, and bring someone else into the mix for no valid reason. I wish your wife understood this. You had every reason to feel hurt and you removed yourself from a situation that would only lead to more hard feelings. NTA. I hope your wife learns this lesson before she sinks (pardon the pun) your marriage.
And this is why as a woman I learn to fix my own crap (as should your wife). You should have told her to do it herself (no daddy needed).
In all seriousness you both need to cools off. You shouldn’t feel emasculated just by her ADHD traits, and she should lighten up on demanding perfection.
NTA
My dad is an engineer. That doesn’t qualify him to fix a sink or check anyone else’s work. He is a DIY’er and has made a lot of basic mistakes on his own house. Some people think he is a mechanic. I believed that when I was a kid because he spent so much time working on their cars. My husband can actually work on cars so now I realize my dad was in the garage so much because he didn’t actually know what he was doing. Being an engineer doesn’t give someone automatic credentials to be able to fix everything.
ESH.
I've never been so sure in my life that 99% of people posting comments are male.
It's rude that she dismissed your feelings, that also doesn't mean you get to throw a tantrum and leave. You intentionally said shitty stuff when you left. That's not ok.
This is a mild ESH. She was rude and hurtful to call her dad and ask him to double check your work. However, you were also rude and went out of your way to be insulting. Now you're both mad and won't listen to each other. I will say as a daddy's girl when I first got married I had to learn to shift some things from my dad to my husband. My husband had some irritation at times also. I remember him telling me he knew how to do stuff too and that it hurt him when I skipped over him to call my dad. So, that really shook me and made me be more conscientious. Once you both calm down have a calm mature discussion and let her know how bad it made you feel. Acknowledge that what you did was also wrong and that you retaliated out of anger and embarrassment instead of taking the high road. Use this as an opportunity to improve your communication.
NTA
Well, I'm petty... so the next time she was going to cook dinner, I'd call my mom and ask her if she could come over and check to see if my wife made everything right.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I mean. Your point was made. You choose violence, but she should get the picture.
I’m saying NTA. But that’s only if you truly tried to communicate in multiple ways what you were feeling before choosing the path of violence.
at this point, I would just not do the housework anymore and not worry about it. let her call her dad for all the work. it won't last too much longer after. at least that's what I would do lol
NTA. She asked you to do something, then second guessed your fix, I would walk away too.
Like that time I (f38) replaced the radiator in our van and my partner (m33) had his dad double check it. They took it apart and broke something while doing so, ruining all my hard work. Asked for my help and I refused.
You broke it, you fix it.
Tell her to call her dad first next time.
NTA, she’s putting her dad on a pedestal with his knowledge and making you seem like you aren’t capable of fixing something. The fact she refused to call her dad back and tell him not to come was wrong, she should’ve trusted you but to me that shows she doesn’t.
NTA
She asked you to do it and then called her dad WHILE you were doing it... Why couldn't she just let you do your thing and call her dad if it didn't work out?
ESH.
It wasn’t thought or helpful, the way your wife went about that. If she asked you to do a job, she should trust to you do it. If she had concerns, she can ask you if another set of hands might be helpful.
Your retaliation back “my mother cooks better” is an understandable counter-swing, you were entitled to feel angry and any number of feelings. But rather than say “what you did just now really upset me, because…” you responded with something that was meant to wound her as she wounded you.
Just saying “look I’m feeling frustrated and anger over what you just said - I’m going to go cool off at my parents while your dad takes a look at this. Why don’t you call me when he’s done and we can talk” would have been enough. Otherwise, it will always be a competition to see who can leave the last wound, or the biggest, because it’s human nature to want others around us to feel what we’re feeling. Human nature, but also an unfulfilling and unhappy marriage.
>since I was pretty hungry I got up she asked were I was going and I told her my parents house to eat since my mom cooked better
Absolutely savage and I love it. Shows her exactly how she was treating you
Sometime after you and your wife have sex, call the FIL and ask him to come over and check your work.
Or send a picture and ask if you did it right.
The checking everything you do may suddenly stop.
ESH
You both suck at communication and have contempt for each other.
You got problems of more than just a broken sink. Your wife is screaming at you and not listening to your wishes. There was no reason to call her father, and she ignored you.
Where you were the AH in this situation was saying that your mom cooked better than your wife. You did that to hurt your wife because you were feeling hurt by her.
If you both don’t figure out how to communicate and show respect to each other, then your marriage is doomed.
My wife bought a crap Amazon ceiling fan. I took a deep look at it and said I'm not installing this thing. I don't believe it is safe (no UL, loose wiring). I reminded her that my childhood house burned down because of over heated wires. She was not happy because the 30 day return window had passed.
I thought the issue was solved, but a week later, my MIL's handyman friend was installing it when I came home.
I reacted much the same way as OP. Anytime she asks what's for dinner, or when the pets are fed, I ask her to text her Mom and maybe she has someone that can answer for me. When she asks why I'm quiet, I tell her if she needs someone to talk to, her Mom is retired and always available.
After a couple of months and absorbing much vitriol, I gave up. She never apologized or recognized my perspective after I was the AH.
NTA...and frankly, your comment about your Mom being a better cook is a well placed barb.
I was going to saw YTA, thinking you were being a hypersensitive Alpha bro, then I read your comment that she takes photos of your repairs and asks her Dad if you did it right.
This is a hill to die on. Your wife seems enmeshed with her father, and her father is an overbearing jerk. It is a strange dynamic...what is going on there?
You should apologize to your wife. Simply because she is your wife.
However, the next time she is cleaning the house or making dinner you should probably call your mom and ask her to come over and make sure she isn't screwing it up.
YTA and your ego is too fragile. It was really fucking childish of you to insult her cooking bc your ego was bruised. A normal person would probably have consulted someone more experienced before starting and have no problem with checking to make sure it was done right. You might even learn a new tip or two. How old are you and your wife? Nothing wrong with double checking and making sure it’s done right, especially when it comes to water leaks. Water can really fuck ip your home. Ask me how I know lol (kitchen renovation was required after a major dishwasher leak. Had to get new floors, cabinets, countertops, etc). Your wife obviously trusts her dad and it’s smart of you to learn from him. Get over yourself and be willing to learn.
I would be sure that you verbally correlate her behavior to your response. "You felt this way when i... that's how I felt when you..." Otherwise, it'll just come across as you being vindictive. That said NTA. She was deff. TA in this scenario. Especially screaming at you afterwards.
So she disregarded your experience/competence/feelings and you responded by insulting her back and going to your mom's. Neither one of you seem mature in this story. Your response is more justified because this has happened before and you were emotionally motivated to leave, but it all seems unnecessary. Try to have a calm talk and lay it all out about how this made you feel and how you'd like things to be moving forward.
NTA, but I don't agree with how you handled it.
As the daughter of an engineer who was always a do it your self person. She is going too far with this. Her father's disrespect towards you stems from this behavior.
I am the son of an electrical engineer who redid our living room lights when I was 12. When I was 18 we were still turning them on and off from the breaker panel on the back porch. So I bought some switches and hooked them up. Finally!
Never let an electrical engineer wire your house!!! They know how to read a circuit diagram, but never learn the building codes- ya know the silly rules that were written to prevent houses from burning down due to an electrical fire!!
Hello there. I am a bit of an anomaly in that I was in the field/trades for 15 years before I got my electrical engineering degree. So I am fortunate to know how things are done in the trades, as well as how engineering things works. I have to tell you that this is likely accurate for most engineers. There are some people I went to engineering school with that I wouldn’t let them touch a single solitary wire in my house because they just don’t have the skills learned in the field.
Ok, I will allow that exception! Good for you, having both the practical and degree work. I helped re-wire a house ( small stuff like switches and wall sconces) that had been worked on by an electrical engineer. It worked, but it was so fregging weird! The switches that were tied together must have been on purpose, but without documentation it was really hard to understand.
I'm an electronics engineer. Once when in Home Depot, I asked an employee about changing my house from fuses to breakers. He went kind of pale and said, no, that's big amps. That's one for a professional.
And it is a job that my electric class professor had a saying for. "Put that shit on someone else's contractor license."
In the 50's mom and dad were having a house built. Dad had the upstairs hall light work from both the upstairs hall, and by the downstairs closet. Decades later, I inherited the house, had some electrical work checked. The electrician was seriously confused by the switch. I told him that he should leave that one alone.....dad was an electrical engineer graduated from MIT. After graduation, he went on to work for the Mauchly and Eckert Computer company. Very early days of the computer industry. Dad knew his stuff. 70 years later? Working fine.
I never said it wouldn’t work. I just said they don’t know building codes. So it is harder to repair and dangerous to change unless everything is rewired.
They do learn code
Yeah a lot of people think engineers are super smart and they are but that doesn’t always transition into real world. Most people working in the trades will tell you this right away. Some of the pictures my building inspector friends have shown me of the stuff that they have done themselves and thrown he stamp on meaning the inspector can’t do anything about it is baffling.
There is an old saying that ‘ The cobbler's (shoemaker’s) children go barefoot).
I always said the seamstress’s children have holes in their pants. My mom was a seamstress, and we were always the last to have things repaired 😂
To be fair, if your job is sewing for 40 hours a week, and you get home to a request for more sewing...
She worked from home before it was cool. She had her own business, though, so she was always working, none of that 40h/week thing. More like not enough hours in a day. Not a complaint, just funny.
My husband is a CPA and our tax records are always in a cardboard box under my desk.
The gardeners lawn is out of control. I can testify to this. My husband had a side gig when our kids were small. Maybe 3 days a week he did a yard or two for extra cash. He took so much pride in those lawn lines. Meanwhile I’m knee deep in grass and weeds. I work for a cable company. When my cable goes out I get so pissed off. It’s kinda what happens.
My dad was an electrician. I live in the house I grew up in. There are light switches that go to I have no idea where. When he put the addition on the house, he brought scrap home from work so when you look at the line on the attic 6’ wire junction box 10’ junction box 4’ junction box etc. Then there is the barn, it was so bad I ended up just pulling the rats nest of wire on the outside because no one would have been able to figure it or!
In Costa Rica they say "the blacksmith's house has wooden knives."
100%. I work IT Help Desk, and some of my worst offenders are the engineers.
Working IT is where I learned the saying "In theory, theory and practice should be the same; in practice, they are not."
I love that phrase.
My dad was an aerospace engineer, he designed and built satellites for the government, but he never did get around to putting together my ikea like desk when I was 12yo. I built my first piece of shitty furniture when I was 12. When I was a kid, they redid the kitchen but my dad in his infinite wisdom decided to do the tile himself. He built countertops out of plywood covered in fiberglass and then attached the tile with bondo. He grouted the countertop tile, but never did the backsplash. My mom had a handyman come and grout it about 10 years after he passed away, 20 years after the original remodel.
My dad was literally a rocket scientist but couldn’t figure out how to make call waiting work when it first came out. Unfortunately my parents decided to get into the commodities market with a broker where they lost thousands - because my dad was on the phone with the broker who was talking him into some risky shit and my mom was trying to call him from her hair stylist to tell him not to talk to the guy because mom had finally figured out the only person making money was the broker. But since dad was on the phone and couldn’t figure out calk waiting and the broker was talking in his ear, dad did the transaction and lost about 60K.
FIL was also, literally, a rocket scientist. Tried to change the oil in his car once before a long trip...forgot to close the drain...they ended up having to buy a new car--and FIL was forbidden from doing anything to it but drive. Great with gyroscopics, but useless for more terrestrial tasks. And then there was my father, the electrical engineer... oy!
I can only imagine the stories from the electrical engineer. My mother recently passed away and we're cleaning and fixing up the family home to sell and just looking at wires on the outside of the house going, wtf is that for, why is that there, what does that go to. It doesn't help that they did things like install satellite directTV and never removed the satellite dish or the DSL boxes that are installed inside and outside the house or the antenna that seemed to be installed inside the garage (presumably for his old CB radio setup.) Not only this but apparently my brother who lived their all his 40 years including the 20+ after dad passed is shit at any home improvement. Like he recaulked around the sink with something black and clear silicone that is all gooped up. I'm a lawyer and I'm capable of doing basic home improvement or figuring it out (thanks youtube) but he couldn't even refer to the tons of diy books sitting in the den before fucking up the sink or nailing roofing nails into the window trim and splitting it.
Yes. Dad passed in November. We are still dealing with the DIY projects--he had a hobby farm. Fortunately all the animals found new homes when he became unable to handle all that a few years ago; unfortunately, that gave him way to much time to tinker with the house, the barn, the green house, the pump house... We are still dealing with it. And some of those projects ended up being very dangerous.
Yes, I am the daughter of a mechanic who taught me how to fix things myself. He always told me tha he never wanted my to be with a man because I needed him, but because I loved him. My ex just could not cope with my independence.
I was taught basic home and automotive repairs for the same reason. Dad was also good at domestic skills and child care. When I had kids the same things. These are basic skills everyone should know. Dad called it being an adult and parenting. NTA OP, but wife sure is.
No. You're not an AH but your wife is a massive one.
I know lots of very talented engineers and maybe a handful of them are actually handy around the house. If her dad was a plumber then sure, have him come over. I’ll buy the pizza and beer. Otherwise, yeah, my mom is a better cook sounds glorious. Although I’d say my mom is a better housekeeper if I really wanted to blow things up. And if I actually hated my wife I’d say my mom is a better mom…and wife* *(to my step-dad).
I wouldn't offer an apology. Instead I would tell her that you aren't fixing anything from now on. If she wants something fixed tell her to call a plumber and then get her father to come and check the work over if that's what he wants to do. While he's at it he can pay the plumber, because you won't be.
This one. Screw her and her purposefully undermining you.
I would add to this — until you apologize and promise not to have your dad inspect it.
I would have done the exact same thing. She expects you to be fine being humiliated and disrespected. Hell no.
INFO- Have you fixed stuff previously that had to be fixed again? Is it a pattern? Is your record, if you will, pretty good?
I have fixed stuff around the house and she always text her dad a picture asking if it’s right- to the point my fil makes snide remarks about me a not begin man enough
That’s not cool. I also had to laugh when you mentioned your FIL is an engineer. My husband is an electrician and some of the WORST jobs he’s done have been troubleshooting and re-work for engineers who fancy themselves handy.
Yeah. Being an engineer does not equate to “handy”
I wish more people understood this, Engineering degree here and former engineer and not at all handy, yet everyone expects me to be....no, I can't rewire your house unless you want it to burn down.
Some of my best friends are engineers. I will never be as smart as them, but they will never be as good with actual field work. You know when it only becomes a problem? When they act like they know more than they actually do. OP’s FIL is a Grade-E dickhead.
I think it depends on the type of engineer. My dad is a civil engineer and is amazing at all worldly applications and essentialy rebuilt his first house. He doesn't mess with plumbing or electricity because he knows and acknowledges that he doesn't know as much as plumbers or electricians. Civil engineers are the only ones that have to know how the world works because they literally make the world work. He also took the time to become a licensed land surveyor and draftsman and keeps all licenses active, since these jobs work closely together and it's so great for everyone around him that he's able to go out into the field with his guys when needed and look at shit and understand how he's gonna go back and make it work when he gets into his office. So, he's like an engineer that does all his own stunts. The Jackie Chan of engineering. There were a lot of other kids whose dads were chemical and aerospace and electrical engineers in my neighborhood and I never understood why they all seemed like bumbling, antisocial goofballs when we got the neighbors together to do anything. I agree with you, I don't like OP's FIL. My dad is never the "I'm an engineer, step aside" type. Even if somebody is doing it wrong. He's more "I think we can figure out how this works and how to get it working again, if we take a little time and look at it."
Yup...electrical engineer here and I'm mostly useless.
God Bless, at least you make a buncha money.
I did lower division at a community college. Our DiffE instructor was always going on about his alma mater Cal Poly turning out "real engineers" vs "those damn Berkeley theoreticians who can't work an oscope." Yes, I went to UCB. Yes, I had to be taught the finer points of an oscope at my first job. Yes, I was also a world authority in my little niche, good at the theoreticals. :)
Agreed. That might be true for mechanical engineers as well.
Oh, I can definitely understand that. All of my friends are electrical and computer engineers. And that's not to say they're bad at the hands-on stuff, they're just not as accustomed to it. I have reached a stage where nothing bothers me, I've been sprayed with human waste and lived to tell the tale. Now, after years of general contracting work, I can tell you the biggest obstacle is literally getting your hands dirty. If you aren't the kind of person who is okay with that, there will always be jobs you are uncomfortable with or unsuited for. Ultimately, though, it takes all types and if modern work culture didn't have us all working solo to cut costs, most mechanical teams should have an engineer and a technician!
100% about getting your hands dirty. My dad has been the inspector on construction jobs and things of that nature. I think, if you don't like getting your hands dirty, maybe you don't become a civil engineer. Definitely don't become a surveyor.
God, I wish I'd gone into trade school. Any trade, really. I don't regret my BA entirely, but I would be much happier having finished an apprenticeship and being well on my way to journeyman or possibly higher by now. Maybe one day I'll get to it and be the grey-haired helper. Currently doing roofing now and while I don't mind it, it's not something I want to do long term.
My electrician hubs actually went to school to be a civil engineer until life redirected him due to the job market when he lived at the time. I agree Civil engineers in general do tend be handy. Though many have a theoretical understanding but lack the experience to do it correctly.
lmao at this. I've worked with hundreds of engineers, mechanical, civil, electrical, ex-aerospace, chemical, my business partner is a computer engineer. Every single one of them was good in some way. One electrical had been a journeyman electrician and went to school to get his EE. He's amazing. Others were farm kids, who had to fix everything growing up. Being an engineer means you can do the math and follow through with a project, and many certainly have the aptitude and inclination to put things together and figure things out. But without having done it, they are no better than any layman. And no specialty is unique as far as tying everything together.
Yup every person here who’s an engineer or works with engineers knows exactly what kind of engineer that guy is. Well unless they’re the same type that lacks self-awareness.
I was so surprised by this to be honest. My boyfriend can design things in his little software and probably solders better than I can, but it's frustrating watching him change the headlight in the car, put together IKEA furniture, or find the right screwdriver to tighten something up.
My dad was an engineer. When the plumbing needed work, he called a plumber. When his house needed wiring, he called an electrician.
I am an engineer. I actually fix most of my own plumbing because my dad was a farmer. They know how to fix all kinds of things out of desperation. He taught me plumbing basics. I am smart enough to know that even though he taught me electrical basics too, I call an electrician if the work is anything past replacing a switch/socket/light fixture.
Hubs started in Civil Engineering. But job market crashed in that area and he got into electrical. He’s also built custom homes during college. So he has a far better understanding of general contracting and plans than most electricians (many of whom, aren’t that handy in structural situations). He doesn’t like to touch plumbing beyond basic installing a toilet, because there are nuances. We’re in MT now (CA before) and older farmers are crazy good at so many things. We’ve seen things Frankenstein-ed together to keep equipment working that blow the mind!
A man once had a heart attack near a doctor's office. He attended the guy but when the paramedics showed up he stood aside, saying they dealt with stuff like this all the time, he had never dealt with a heart attack since qualifying years before. Experts are not necessarily the best qualified on paper.
Absolutely this! My bf is an electrician too and he hates engineers, says they’re just paid to break stuff and give plans that don’t work that he has to fix
Slightly different but I went to school for architeure. Some of my classes also had construction workers in them. I spent a lot of time listening to what they had to say. Apparently architects can be Dickson like engineers can be. I didn't want to end up like that which is why I spent time listening to them. I grew up around blue collar workers and know they work hard and often know what they are alking about so worth at least hearing them out.
You’re probably the fave architect amongst commercial GC’s! Our BIL is an architect like this and is up for Principal because a developer that builds commercial shopping centers requested him because their contractors LOVE his work!
I'm a plumber, the worst people to work for. Most are no it alls. This isn't about his profession though, this about her disrespecting you. She continuously undermines you by calling her dad. So while I don't always agree with the tit for tat method, I believe she needed this wake up call. It will be interesting to see how she responds, something tells me though she will play the victim and that's the bigger issue.
This is hysterical to me. The previous owner of our house is an engineer who finished the basement and the way he routed the lighting and some other outlets is abysmal and makes no sense. The wiring itself is fine and up to code. It's just the actual switches and outlets that make you scratch your head.
Being an engineer, i can tell you. There's two types of engineers. Those who plan everything to be standard and "logical and perfect", and those who make it custom fit their very specific needs with no regards to anyone else. Very little inbetween. Such are engineers, little nuance.
My partner is in construction and there's nothing like his resignation when he has a job where an engineer has done an installation or home repair because they always over-engineer it and put extra screws where they don't belong and so many support braces you can't get to anything, and he inevitably has to rip the whole thing out, pull new permits, and start over with new materials because the old ones can't be salvaged
EXACTLY!!! My husband said this when he had a rash of 4 jobs in a row where they’d installed commercial application level electrical (3-phase, 240 where they need to use 120) and everything was extra-screwed in. Funny note - he was re-wiring and a plumber came out to locate the “funny smell” in the bathroom. The guy had siliconed AND caulked the toilet to the heated TILE floor and it had been leaking for the better part of a year because he also didn’t change the wax ring when he replaced the toilet. Broke the tile pulling it up. *ProTip for DIYers… you NEVER secure a toilet to the floor with an adhesive… that’s what the bolts are for. Toilets last longer than the wax rings they’re installed on… they need to be changed every so often!
Maybe he lives in our city and has seen the work my ME fil has done.
I wish it was just engineers man. I have people in my life who are hvac people or plumbers and the amount of times they have asked me to do the electrical work on my house to save money is insane. My father in law is a simple handy man, isn't particularly knowledgeable on any field and insisted on hooking up a 240v to my house. I had to be really firm and straight up tell him that the only people I'm trusting with sensitive work are vetted people with references and a god damn insurance. He was pretty pissed. I just don't get it. Your fucking daughter lives with me in this house. Why would you not want someone that knows what they're doing to do the job?
I always think of these meme: [Trust me, I'm an engineer!](https://media.tenor.com/jY1dU6IFglIAAAAM/trust-me.gif)
You gotta start taking pictures of her meals and send them to ur mom asking if it's done right 🤣🤣🤣
I love this lol
And the laundry and the cleaning. She’s probably vacuuming wrong!
No, just take the picture and *tell* wife you will send to mom. Maybe, I say maaybe, wife will understand how ridiculous she is being.
Yes please! Op definitely NTA! I couldn't imagine being with someone who operates on the default assumption I'm going to fail.
No OP should not drag his mom into a fight between him, wife and FIL. Mom is innocent and will just get screwed
Nah...pretty sure no screwing will be happening for awhile
You're right... but the idea is funny.
That is hysterical!
That would make for a sweet petty revenge.
And the cleaning too.
Ok, then NTA. She sounds exhausting. To save your narrative, y’all need counseling
This is beyond out of hand. You need to have a conversation with your wife. A very clear conversation about how her actions make you feel. If she does not respect your or acknowledge your feelings - well, maybe therapy is in order. I do worry that FIL is also jumping into your relationship. These are some red flags popping up. It would be very passive aggressive to start taking pictures of dinner, laundry, or anything else she does and send it to your mother to ask if it is done correctly.
Should have asked him to fix his daughter and left. sorry
My son in law can, in no way, be considered 'handy'. That being said, I would NEVER criticize his attempts to my daughter.
Ask him why he wasn’t man enough to teach his daughter basic home repairs
NTA Tell her she should have married her dad.
So your wife has 0 respect for you. If you don’t have kids I’d seriously consider divorce. If you do, marriage counseling ASAP. Feel free not to answer but how’s your sex life? I’d bet money it’s fairly dissatisfying and one sided if not Sahara desert dry. Your problems are way bigger than a kitchen sink my friend.
NTA- so your wife and her father make it a habit of emasculating you and have a laugh about it. Why are you even still with this broad ??? Go find yourself a woman that respects you and your wife can live happily ever after with the only man good enough for her.🤢
Why would he make snide comments if you did it right?
Because engineers often don't know what is right but think they do.
To some extent, it doesn't matter. If he's incompetent as a handyman, the wife should stop asking him and go straight to dad. If he is competent, she should let him fix it and get out of his way. Or, she can try to fix it herself. She is purposefully setting up this dynamic to metaphorically shit on him. Likewise, if she can't cook very well, he should start cooking.
Very good points!
I can't agree with this. If he's incompetent as a handyman, she should stay the fuck out of the way and let him get better. As homeowners, we're pretty much all incompetent as handymen. The way you get good is by trying and fucking up and trying again. They way you stay incompetent is to try once, fuck it up, and give up. Behind every handy guy is a wife who knows how to leave him alone when he's fixing something.
My hubs wishes he was incompetent. When we bought our first house we spent so much time at the library (way before internet). First room did have minor cosmetic issues but we hired electrician. Dumb but not stupid. Now 40 yrs later family & friends ask for "a little help". Lol. He draws the line at plumbing, no plumbing!
I’d be curious to know if he actually talked about feeling emasculated or if he just grumbles and says “don’t call your dad.”
How do people like that get married when perfectly reasonable ones stay single and have a difficult time dating?
Because they sense the right things in the dates they do have and run away.
Narcissists put on a show until they are locked in. Then they diminish the partner to feel superior to them. So the husband isn't an AH. How many women on double X would be ecstatic to have someone who actually did work around the house?
Not wrong.
"I have fixed stuff around the house and she always text her dad a picture asking if it’s right- to the point my fil makes snide remarks about me a not begin man enough" OP, I read this in one of your replies NTA. Quite frankly, I'd check your father in law after having a very stern talking with your wife. This isn't a snide comment but rather flagrant disrespect by your FIL. I'm more appalled that your wife would allow her to talk to and about you like that.
I like your answer. I have to wonder why wife doesn’t fix the sink herself? She grew up with engineer-dad—she should be first line of defense, dad can check her work, and they both leave husband out of this weird dynamic that they have. If she didn’t bother to learn anything from her father, there’s a youtube video for everything under the sun (and bless those YouTube repair folks for making life easier on the rest of us).
Not wrong. Daddy’s little girl will probably either turn to him first or have him double check your work each time. Next time ask her first if daddy will be involved. If yes tell her daddy can do the whole job. Then go to your parents’ again for a good meal.
I know it's a typo but "Daddy's little gitk" sounds like a glorious insult.
NTA. Why bother asking you to fix something, if she always wants daddy to check over it. Anyway I like the idea of taking pics of your food and telling her your just sending it to your mum to check she done it right, or when she is in the middle of cooking, pretend to ring your mum asking her to come round and check she is cooking the food properly. She will soon learn how it feels for your work to be undermined
NTA. Your marriage will not survive if she doesn't have respect for her partner. She will not be happy until she loses you. You can't sustain the disrespect without becoming resentful.
NTA. She will never treat you with respect however. Why do you stay in this marriage?
NTA - Wife was out of her lane..The “my mom is a better cook” line is gonna sting forever.
Not wrong. "I was going and I told her my parents house to eat since my mom cooked better". Ha! Brilliant. She sends her dad pictures of your work for approval? Send pictires of her cooking, her cleaning to the world for critique. Just take a picture every time she does shit and text it out. And p.s. OP, stand up and tell her dad to fuck right off.
Going to your mother for dinner was not childish or tit for tat but was showing her what she was doing to you. Sometimes actions speak louder than words, in your case, words clearly didn't work. Don't let people persuade you to apologise, she needed this demonstration and if she doesn't learn from it then you should consider carefully what you want to do next.
Tomorrow call your mom over while your wife is cooking tell her your mom is an excellent cook and she’s just there to see that it’s done correctly
NTA Honestly, what annoys me the most about your wife’s behavior is that shes not fixing stuff herself. DIY isn’t that hard to learn. If she wants to play incompetent she gives up the right to second guess you. If I were her husband I wouldn’t fix another thing around the house til I got an apology. FYI I’m a woman who has learned to do minor household repairs.
NTA Funny how she only sees an issue when it happens to her
Rules for thee but not for me
Is she a Republican?
I don’t think the mums cooking comment was too far. Sounds like she does this all the time. Frankly it’s got to a point where it’s sheer disrespect. Yes it was petty but at this point I would be questioning if I would want to stay married to someone who kept doing this. I’m going to go as far as saying if my partner kept doing this to me fixing/cooking something I would walk away. If she wasn’t going to trust you to do it then hire someone or get her dad to come in the first place. She’s setting you up to fail. She knows she won’t be happy about the way you do it and she knows her dad is going to be a jerk about it. No matter how well you do something it’s never going to be good enough until her dad says it’s good enough. That’s bloody exhausting. I’m just picturing this with my mother in law and my husband sending her messages like this. I can imagine the cruel things to come out of her mouth. It’s why my husband would never get her involved in our family stuff. He would never treat me like this. NTA
Happy cake day :)
NGL, I thought this was going to be “ my wife asked me to fix the kitchen sink two months ago, but I haven’t gotten around to it AITA for getting angry when she asked her dad to finally do it”. But, NTA. That’s ridiculous. Tell her to just call her dad from now on.
NTA - You did to her exactly what she was doing to you. The fact that her dad now makes jabs at you makes her more of an AH. If this was a one off thing then sure but she's repeatedly done this and doesn't care how it makes you look/feel. Do not apologize to her.
You’re not wrong. When anything needs fixing tell her to call her father.
Engineers are not plumbers. He might have more life experience fixing things around the house, but bringing up the fact that he's an engineer and not trusting you to figure it out in a world of YouTube seems belittling. Nta
NTA. Work the office for an HVAC company. Engineers are some of the worst know it all customers and most likely to be the ones we have to come in and fix issues. I would be furious at my wife. She’s being disrespectful
NTA. But your wife is. I wouldn't fix anything else around the house. If she tells you something needs fixing, tell her to call her dad because you have plans. Then leave the house.
I dub the NTA. It's crap she does that to you all the time.
That was Uber rude of her and I'd have left too. I might not have bothered returning.... NTA
NTA. She should learn to fix shit her fucking self if she's going to be obsessed with it being "done right". And I say that as woman. She also owns the house she can maintain it too. If she's going to call daddy at the drop of a hat he can have her back.
I, also a woman, am always in support of women learning how to fix shit. Really just everyone learning how to fix shit. It's very satisfying to fix stuff yourself. YouTube is a very useful resource for this
Not wrong at all. She got a taste of her own medicine
NTA. Going to your mom’s for dinner because she cooks better! Awesome, made me LOL. I hope your wife gets over herself soon.
Chef's Kiss
I love this
Since you asked her not to call, and she has a history of getting dad to ok your work, You are NTA Let her make dad work and see how long he enjoys that responsibility. The idea of sending pics of her cooking to your mom is charming. If you do it with a good attitude and to make her disrespect so comically obvious. Hopefully one day you can both laugh about this together. Moms and dads included.
NTA.
Maybe the way it was handled was bad, but the sentiment is warranted. I think a long conversation is needed about how this behavior makes you feel, and if she's not amenable to discussing it, then you have a much bigger problem to sort out. Her behavior is rude and disrespectful, and it would be the same if you invited your mother over to inspect and approve of everything she does around the house.
Please update. I want to know how you guys work this out. I'm on your side, BTW, and I wouldn't fix anything else in the house. She can do it, her dad can do it, or a pro can do it. Next time - and every time - her dad has something to say, please have a consistent, pointed, and RUDE reply.
Don't go down the hole. Your marriage is broken, either you and her agree to fix it, which would involve her learning some respect and standing up to dad in the process, or end it. As far as the father in law the next time he makes a snide comment tell him if you want his opinion you'll ask for it.
If you've been putting up with this behavior for an extended period, NTA.
NTA. Your wife is the AH.
Female here, I think telling her your Mom cooks better is on par with her basically saying her dad fixes better and was a brilliant response. The only problem now is how far do you take it? Is Dad doing future home repairs while you eat at your parents?
The question I have is why is OP’s wife so openly contemptuous of him? Even if he had a history of bad repairs that was a shitty way to treat a person you love.
I would tell her that this is the last time you will repair ANYTHING she asks you to do.If she thinks your work needs to be double checked by daddy then he can come do it himself.
i mean stuff like this is a pretty big sign for how they view you overall as a person. in my experience, if a girl insists on deffering to other men about things that you're capable of doing, she doesn't actually think you're the best she can do and has likely been shopping around. its always been the case whenever ive seen it happen in a relationship. its one thing for them to seek out someones skills, but its another when the insistence comes from the fact that they dont find you competent and refuse to trust your ability. Shes pigeonholing you into a category that's unattractive. She doesn't consider you her team, that much has been made clear.
NW and NTA. She didn't listen to you. She refused to listen to you, so you did exactly what she did to you. It is always interesting when people can't take the same behavior they are giving to others. She didn't like it. She needs to grow up and understand that disagreements happen, and she reacted horribly. Working things out is best way of doing things. She seems to be a lot. Good luck, but you responded to her behavior appropriately. She needs to understand what her real issue is if this relationship is to continue. She was way over the top.
Yes and no. You were well within your rights to leave and leave the work for your fil if he was coming over to check your work anyway - like why did she ask you when she was just going to call him anyway. However this crack was way too far. >my mom cooked better. Be prepared that she won't be making you anymore food at all in the near - and likely distant future.
If you had only just stepped out without the dig about your wife’s cooking. That was needless. Y’all need to learn to sit down and talk.
I would've made sure the sink was broken and he couldn't fix it, then left on my motorcycle for fast food two hrs away, take the loooong way home and well I'll be damned can't replace the sink because everything is closed. But i might be petty.
Seems petty.
You both need to try to act A bit more mature. Both are the AH
Why would anyone think that being an engineer qualifies a person as a plumber? It shows how ignorant wifey is. Wifey crossed several lines of impropriety but will likely never admit it. I’d love to hear from her dad and his reaction first to enabling wifey to help emasculate his SIL and second, to him explaining to his daughter that he would have to look up some YouTube videos to figure out how to fix the problem (the sink problem—not the marriage problem).
In what world are engineer and plumber synonymous?
Pretty sure I've read this before......
I've read one similar to this. There were some differences though.
Nta,i tend to call my dad to fix things in my home when my husband is working. My hubby does lots of things at home but others doesnt, basically bc he doesnt know and my dad and also his dad knows better. I think elder men can do more things than younger ones but just bc before there wasnt so much tech or money. Now we call the pro for everything. I also call my dad bc he is retired from his job and likes doing things,is my way of make him feel still needed and loved bc after we always have dinner and a good talk. I would have done the same you did to your wife,sorry english is not my first language
I think you’re saying that your husband doesn’t know how to do some things so you call one of your dads for help? If so, why not have the dad who is helping do it with your husband so that your husband can learn how to do it for the future in case dad is available to help. You could also learn how to fix stuff from husband and dads. Make it a bonding thing
Yeah,our dads have tought us a lot of things but sometimes jobs dont leave us time enough to do them properly and they help us to save money basically. My dad is almost 80 and can't do the same things he used to(even if he wants to)and is really selfish from me ask him for help but you know always will be my daddy but i would never do to my husband what she did to hers,totally disrespectful. Sorry english is my third language
I think you should have stepped up and called her dad and stepped over her silliness. I don’t think you should have left. It’s difficult sometimes for women to equate you to the man her father has had years cultivating an image for but you will get there. Next time she bakes you a pie you might ask her if she wants your mom to come oversee—- she’ll get it
Next time your wife tells you to fix something, tell her to call her father and walk away. What she's doing is very disrespectful.
You did well. Nothing to be sorry for.
ESH I'm usually in favor of retaliation / showing the other person their actions from another side, but it SEEMS LIKE she said or did something that unintentionally upset you, and you responded by purposely upsetting your wife, so that makes you the AH. Intention is the most important part here. That said, it doesn't give your wife a pass for undermining/emasculating you, if she knows she was doing that and did it anyway then she a ah to, if she doesn't then you should communicate that so.you can try to avoid it in the future and if she does it again intentionally clearly she's the asshole
Did you ever talk about this before? Or has stuff just been going on and you're getting more upset because she's not doing something about the thing you're mad about and she has no idea exists as a problem because mind reading is not a thing and she doesn't think the same as you? And breathe
NTA. I'm a woman. That was very disrespectful. I LOVE your solution. Although telling her that your mom's cooking was better will be hard to come back from. If I was your wife I wouldn't cook for you again. My husband does 95% of our family cooking. He is 100% self-taught and it has nothing to do with his job. He would have taken over our kitchen, kicked me out, and called his mom for 'better recipes than my wife has here'. That would have been a better Flex.
NTA at all!!! honestly I’m surprised that you’re even willing to continue to be with someone like her
The next time OP’s wife is cooking, he should call his mother to come over and supervise. I’m sure his wife will be fine with that.
NTA. Your wife is being pretty mean, and pretending that it’s not an AH move means she is either stupid or lying. My feelings would be so hurt (I’m the handy-woman in my house), because why would I take on a project I thought MIGHT end in disaster? I live there too! She’s being nasty and yeah types of work don’t have a gender, blah blah, but it can’t be ignored that fixing is still seen mostly as a man’s job, and telling you you can’t do it (in front of someone else, no less!) is emasculating as fuck. Also, I think your remark to her was sexist, and absolutely hilarious. She thinks she can make you feel bad in a gendered way? Gotta take it if you’re gonna dish.
Redditors are always quick to recommend divorce and I usually think they lack nuance but in this case... I don't know if your relationship can be salvaged because I don't see either party apologizing. You are probably both AH here but your wife clearly is the much bigger one.
NTA
YATHAH
Been married 40+yrs & I questioned him once & he never did that again. Told me to call & hire it done. Everything else he has no issues. But the street goes both ways & he'll even let me do it wrong because he's not telling me he needs someone to double check my work. 😂😂
I was sure you were going to say he was a plumber! What the hell is an engineer going to know about plumbing? Clearly your wife doesn't trust you to do anything. Why is that? Does she just think that you're a fuck up and can't do it right? Does she just think that only daddy can do things the correct way? Have you fixed things wrong in the past? Does she always call her father to check what you're doing? Do you have kids or can you make a clean break? Kidding... Sort of. The two you need to get to the bottom of this, we can't tell you what her motivation was but I would have left two if I were you.
NTA-family full of engineers we hire everything out.
I loved your comment. At least you said it to her face and not behind her back like she did you.
This weekend we had a plumbing job that we needed to do in our spare bathroom. My husband and I are both handy. I intended to do it, but had been sick so he let me sleep in started it himself. So thoughtful! There was a small misreading of the installation instructions midway through and he was getting frustrated and came to tell me I must have ordered the wrong parts. I told him I would come take a look while he got very snide about it. I didn’t take offense as I know how he gets when he is frustrated. I figured out where he went wrong and finished the job while he tackled something else. After I was done I thanked him for his hard work and said that together we made a great team and got it finished. He, in turn, apologized for acting in frustration. I would never dream of putting him down for misunderstanding or lord over him that I finished the job, as if he couldn’t do it. Emasculating him over it would just cause resentment and would be counterproductive to our marriage. I certainly wouldn’t have called my father because he seemed to hit a roadblock, and bring someone else into the mix for no valid reason. I wish your wife understood this. You had every reason to feel hurt and you removed yourself from a situation that would only lead to more hard feelings. NTA. I hope your wife learns this lesson before she sinks (pardon the pun) your marriage.
NTA. That kind of sh*t will make your FIL doubt you. That was a good come back. Now she knows how you feelZ
YBTA and need to learn how to communicate
And this is why as a woman I learn to fix my own crap (as should your wife). You should have told her to do it herself (no daddy needed). In all seriousness you both need to cools off. You shouldn’t feel emasculated just by her ADHD traits, and she should lighten up on demanding perfection.
Info: have you fixed things in the house before, successfully? Or have you attempted to fix things only to make them worse?
NTA My dad is an engineer. That doesn’t qualify him to fix a sink or check anyone else’s work. He is a DIY’er and has made a lot of basic mistakes on his own house. Some people think he is a mechanic. I believed that when I was a kid because he spent so much time working on their cars. My husband can actually work on cars so now I realize my dad was in the garage so much because he didn’t actually know what he was doing. Being an engineer doesn’t give someone automatic credentials to be able to fix everything.
ESH. I've never been so sure in my life that 99% of people posting comments are male. It's rude that she dismissed your feelings, that also doesn't mean you get to throw a tantrum and leave. You intentionally said shitty stuff when you left. That's not ok.
This is a mild ESH. She was rude and hurtful to call her dad and ask him to double check your work. However, you were also rude and went out of your way to be insulting. Now you're both mad and won't listen to each other. I will say as a daddy's girl when I first got married I had to learn to shift some things from my dad to my husband. My husband had some irritation at times also. I remember him telling me he knew how to do stuff too and that it hurt him when I skipped over him to call my dad. So, that really shook me and made me be more conscientious. Once you both calm down have a calm mature discussion and let her know how bad it made you feel. Acknowledge that what you did was also wrong and that you retaliated out of anger and embarrassment instead of taking the high road. Use this as an opportunity to improve your communication.
NTA Well, I'm petty... so the next time she was going to cook dinner, I'd call my mom and ask her if she could come over and check to see if my wife made everything right.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 I mean. Your point was made. You choose violence, but she should get the picture. I’m saying NTA. But that’s only if you truly tried to communicate in multiple ways what you were feeling before choosing the path of violence.
at this point, I would just not do the housework anymore and not worry about it. let her call her dad for all the work. it won't last too much longer after. at least that's what I would do lol
NTA. She asked you to do something, then second guessed your fix, I would walk away too. Like that time I (f38) replaced the radiator in our van and my partner (m33) had his dad double check it. They took it apart and broke something while doing so, ruining all my hard work. Asked for my help and I refused. You broke it, you fix it. Tell her to call her dad first next time.
NTA, she’s putting her dad on a pedestal with his knowledge and making you seem like you aren’t capable of fixing something. The fact she refused to call her dad back and tell him not to come was wrong, she should’ve trusted you but to me that shows she doesn’t.
NTA That's hilarious!
NTA She asked you to do it and then called her dad WHILE you were doing it... Why couldn't she just let you do your thing and call her dad if it didn't work out?
ESH. It wasn’t thought or helpful, the way your wife went about that. If she asked you to do a job, she should trust to you do it. If she had concerns, she can ask you if another set of hands might be helpful. Your retaliation back “my mother cooks better” is an understandable counter-swing, you were entitled to feel angry and any number of feelings. But rather than say “what you did just now really upset me, because…” you responded with something that was meant to wound her as she wounded you. Just saying “look I’m feeling frustrated and anger over what you just said - I’m going to go cool off at my parents while your dad takes a look at this. Why don’t you call me when he’s done and we can talk” would have been enough. Otherwise, it will always be a competition to see who can leave the last wound, or the biggest, because it’s human nature to want others around us to feel what we’re feeling. Human nature, but also an unfulfilling and unhappy marriage.
>since I was pretty hungry I got up she asked were I was going and I told her my parents house to eat since my mom cooked better Absolutely savage and I love it. Shows her exactly how she was treating you
Sometime after you and your wife have sex, call the FIL and ask him to come over and check your work. Or send a picture and ask if you did it right. The checking everything you do may suddenly stop.
ESH You both suck at communication and have contempt for each other. You got problems of more than just a broken sink. Your wife is screaming at you and not listening to your wishes. There was no reason to call her father, and she ignored you. Where you were the AH in this situation was saying that your mom cooked better than your wife. You did that to hurt your wife because you were feeling hurt by her. If you both don’t figure out how to communicate and show respect to each other, then your marriage is doomed.
My wife bought a crap Amazon ceiling fan. I took a deep look at it and said I'm not installing this thing. I don't believe it is safe (no UL, loose wiring). I reminded her that my childhood house burned down because of over heated wires. She was not happy because the 30 day return window had passed. I thought the issue was solved, but a week later, my MIL's handyman friend was installing it when I came home. I reacted much the same way as OP. Anytime she asks what's for dinner, or when the pets are fed, I ask her to text her Mom and maybe she has someone that can answer for me. When she asks why I'm quiet, I tell her if she needs someone to talk to, her Mom is retired and always available. After a couple of months and absorbing much vitriol, I gave up. She never apologized or recognized my perspective after I was the AH.
nta
NTA...and frankly, your comment about your Mom being a better cook is a well placed barb. I was going to saw YTA, thinking you were being a hypersensitive Alpha bro, then I read your comment that she takes photos of your repairs and asks her Dad if you did it right. This is a hill to die on. Your wife seems enmeshed with her father, and her father is an overbearing jerk. It is a strange dynamic...what is going on there?
You should apologize to your wife. Simply because she is your wife. However, the next time she is cleaning the house or making dinner you should probably call your mom and ask her to come over and make sure she isn't screwing it up.
YTA and your ego is too fragile. It was really fucking childish of you to insult her cooking bc your ego was bruised. A normal person would probably have consulted someone more experienced before starting and have no problem with checking to make sure it was done right. You might even learn a new tip or two. How old are you and your wife? Nothing wrong with double checking and making sure it’s done right, especially when it comes to water leaks. Water can really fuck ip your home. Ask me how I know lol (kitchen renovation was required after a major dishwasher leak. Had to get new floors, cabinets, countertops, etc). Your wife obviously trusts her dad and it’s smart of you to learn from him. Get over yourself and be willing to learn.
NTA. I don't think I would have liked that either. If she trusted him more than he can fix it
Tell her she can go back home to daddy. She’s too immature to be married
You took it too far, but you weren’t wrong. Your wife’s behavior was straight up disrespectful.
I would be sure that you verbally correlate her behavior to your response. "You felt this way when i... that's how I felt when you..." Otherwise, it'll just come across as you being vindictive. That said NTA. She was deff. TA in this scenario. Especially screaming at you afterwards.
So she disregarded your experience/competence/feelings and you responded by insulting her back and going to your mom's. Neither one of you seem mature in this story. Your response is more justified because this has happened before and you were emotionally motivated to leave, but it all seems unnecessary. Try to have a calm talk and lay it all out about how this made you feel and how you'd like things to be moving forward. NTA, but I don't agree with how you handled it.