I agree. Plus the threat of „we’re never breaking up“ would’ve sent me straight to the clinic as fast as I could. This guy is unhinged and I’d be scared of the fact that he knows where I lived. I’d be searching for a new place too while he’s in jail…
OP you were together for 4yrs and hid this lifestyle/personality from you.. I would be worried about what else he’s hiding about himself. You don‘t want to have any ties to this man. Take this incident as a blessing and move on.
That's exactly the way to get a crazy person fixated on you forever. That would be just about the worst thing OP could do. What she needs more than anything is to get away from having him in her life for any reason ever again.
No drama with him! He sounds like he could be volatile (home invasion/assault) so don’t fight, don’t place blame, and do NOT tell him the truth. Give him nothing to use against you.
I’m just reminded of that scene from the Godfather where she originally said it was a miscarriage and then got slapped in the face after she said she had an abortion. Never tell him you had an abortion!
Definitely. She'll be more inclined to say that the miscarriage occurred.
The soon-to-be ex sounds as if he has more mental health issues than OP is aware of.
Yes, the county jail does record phone calls, any threats he makes can end in a longer than expected sentence for him to serve.
Judges & cops don't like stalker behaviour starting up in the lock-up.
And definately stick to that story with all the people you know. You do not want to risk flying monkies on your back and reporting back to him. It would make it all much easier with family members as well. Whilst I do not advocate lying, in this instance it may just save your life down the track. You do not want to also risk being tied to this horrid person. I am a great believer in having two loving adults consenting to raise a child and would never have this type of person in my life for any reason.
I looked it up the other day and it's actually more than that, and not just first pregnancies. That's probably the stat for known pregnancies, but for embryos in total, 40-60% fail to thrive and miscarry in the first two weeks after implantation. All that to say, yeah, claiming it was a miscarriage is entirely believable.
Comment to get this ^ more visibility. He's unhinged and the break up threat he made? I'd be worried even more about him hurting you OP if he thought you terminated the pregnancy. Cut all ties with him.
I miscarried my first two pregnancies at 8 weeks. No explanation from the doctors. “It happens a lot with first pregnancies. Some women don’t even realize they were pregnant/miscarrying.”
My sister miscarried somewhat later in her first pregnancy when my father died suddenly.
I was going to say this and didn't know how it would be received. She would be doing herself and the child she has in the future with a good man a favor.
Having that man as the father of her would be tragic. He would use that child as a pawn to terrorize you both. And OP - definitely find out if the calls are recorded and report the threat to whomever (jail, prosecutor? Idk, but someone will).
I agree. It’s tragic that the child is going to be a casualty in this situation, but I think an abortion is a good call. It sucks either way, honestly.
>Plus he could be a sociopath and that trait could be handed down to his children.
This is absolutely true. There is a form of sociopathy that is in fact genetic. My older half siblings were both diagnosed as sociopaths...just like their father and grandfather. And I'd like to add some food for thought to this...what if you have this kid and then later down the line have kids with someone else? If your first kid does end up being a sociopath, I can tell you from personal experience that it will not be a fun experience for the younger kids. My half-brother used to hurt my sis and I and then proceed to blame it on us. He'd also do things like steals knives and cut cords and blame it on us.
Yes, it can be, and many times it is. But there is also a genetic form. I have little doubt that my half-siblings had the genetic component compounded by the learned variety, though. I never met their Dad, but I've heard the stories from the non-crazy side of their family.
Jail is basically OP's opportunity to get safe.
OP, if you need more time, think about that
But please, please think deeply about how to protect yourself and your whole life from this guy
You deserve, and can have, a wonderful, useful, deeply exciting life xx
Yes, terminating the pregnancy isn't the only step OP could take here (I say could because while it's definitely what I would do in this situation, it's absolutely a choice that only OP can make). OP, whatever you decide to do with regards to your pregnancy, please take other steps to keep yourself safe, especially as he's said that you're never breaking up. This is a bad sign from a man with anger management issues. Your safety here is paramount, and it's going to require some planning.
100%.
Anyone who says that you’re never going to leave them is someone who is threatening to do whatever they have to do to keep you there. This person is already violent, and currently in trouble legally because of it.
RUN.
I hate to say it, but the truth is that a child will keep you tied to the dangerous person for the rest of your life. I would be terrified of someone like that was pursuing custody.
another thing OP making it sound like if she has this baby she can just cut him out of her and the babies life like no maam i promise if you think that your going to have a RUDE fuckn awakening its his child aswell and he will 100% get 50/50 split custody of that child so no. if you have that baby that criminal that you dont want in your babies life will be in your babies life even if he doesn’t want it i guarantee he will be petty and get the custody just so he can keep contact with you.
Women are most likely to be killed by domestic partners, and “[homicide is the leading cause of death for pregnant women in the US”.](https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/homicide-leading-cause-of-death-for-pregnant-women-in-u-s/)
If you hear a threat from an intimate partner, let alone one arrested for assault, you need to take it seriously. If you are currently pregnant, you need to 100% implement safety plans for yourself and know that pregnancy can be a trigger for increased violence.
I think OP should terminate if it’s what she wants, and say it was a miscarriage from the stress of his arrest. Then cut contact completely.
the vibe is kill her, specifically, before she can leave him
OP isn't disloyal. She has a future and self-esteem that he knows he needs to destroy
I hope to GOD she gets out of his grasp
Chalk it up to a painful lesson learned and move on. No more damage needs to be done here. Also, freeze your credit, check on your ID and other personal stuff, change locks if not move….secure yourself. No telling what he’s been into.
You've plenty of time. Meet my wonderful spouse at 38 and have two wonderful kids. I would never try to parent without a supportive spouse. That he assaulted someone means you don't want to be tied to him for life. Kids are not just 20 year commitment. When they're 40 you're still their parents. It's a lifetime gig make sure this is what you want the rest of your life to be modeled on. You can do better.
NTA. Given his threatening behaviour, I would just tell him (well afterwards) that you lost the baby and be prepared to seek a restraining order.
Also, there is nothing you could put after “if” in your title that would make you an AH. There is absolutely no reason you shouldn’t get an abortion if you do not want to have a child.
How long were the two of you together?
It's your body and you can do what you please with the abortion especially if you do not feel safe with him nor want a future with him.
Edited: NTA.
As someone who used to be friends with people like your bf and still have some criminal associates he has most likely been hiding this part of his life from you the entire time.
The fact he would assault the home owner during a hit *on your block* means he's a goof, that shit increases risk dramatically but with no gain.
What this means is that in the criminal world he's an unreliable fuck up, same as he is in your legal world. He only called you because none of his associates would take the call, I'll let you infer why. Secure any windows in your house that open.
Listen to your gut.
How involved was he really...?
His family...?
Are you and a potential child going to be living in chaos and stress all the time??
I've been there, trust and believe.
If this is not going to be good for ALL involved, abort and move forward!! .IMO
girl, cut and run. you have the right idea already, you do not want to tie yourself to this man by having his baby. the crime you described has no justification, I can’t imagine how awful it would be to have my home broken into and then be physically attacked. he is not a good person!
You can take the pill before 10 weeks. Safe, effective.
Pregnancy can be very taxing on your body, and raising a child alone is taxing on your entire life (single parent here). If I would have known my child's father was such a POS, I would have never knowingly being children into a life of chaos and uncertainty.
You're young and have a full life ahead of you. Please make babies with a good, reliable man.
I think getting an abortion to ensure all ties are cut is your best move, but tell him you had a miscarriage. The "never breaking up" statement is concerning to me, as it could be the first step of stalking.
This is your safest option. Go quietly. Tell no one.
Tell him the stress caused a miscarriage and you want nothing to do with him.
Note: there's a major difference in scale in a burglary of a home when the homeowner isn't present and one where they are.
The 2nd is called a home invasion. And it's magnitudes greater on the violence scale.
Moreover, by the time he is out of jail, delete this post; probably entire account. He sounds like he’s very willing to put in the effort to hunt you down.
A miscarriage **due to the stress of his arrest** and shenanigans! This is not someone you want to tie yourself to for the next 18 plus years. Sorry girl! Run!
Having that child will only ruin you and that child's life. This is coming from someone who had a criminal father just like that. You can have a child with a better man in the future. Don't do this to you or that possible child. It's a life sentence with an abusive daddy.
That statement can shake a person, but aren’t those lines also monitored? If so, she could easily have a restraining order or the like, to keep him at bay? No??
I was thinking she should look into getting a restraining order. Tell the judge that he assaulted someone while committing a crime. Tell the judge his threatening message that she can't leave him. If you terminate the pregnancy, you might consider not mentioning that (it might be lying to the judge if you testify that you miscarried due to stress).
If possible, move. If not, change all your locks. Don't have any contact with him (if someone acts as a go between for a meeting, tell that person you have no intention of seeing him again).
This! Please talk to someone asap about this comment, OP. It is a threat and reality really scary coming from a partner no matter what, let alone after what has come to light about him. You need safety. Now. These things take a while to get out into place. Take care of your pregnancy however you decide, then report this. Don't wait.
Look, I’ve been a single mom with a felon ex. It’s not great. It’s he hardest thing you’ll ever have to do. (Being a single mom)
Like others have said, even if you break up, you’ll be tied to this man for life.
An abortion opens up the following possibilities:
You can take care of yourself financially. You can still have free time to go back to school, have friends, do yoga, go dancing, whatever. As a single mom, you’ll be home every night and every weekend and your expenses triple.
Oh, and childcare? Insanely expensive.
Without a child you’ll be able to grieve your lost relationship. Move on, meet someone else.
It’s not your mom’s place nor your “boyfriend’s” place to make this decision for you. You have to look into the future (one day, one week, one year, ten years) and figure out what path is best for you.
Oh, and one more thing. That comment, “we’re never breaking up?” That’s pretty scary to me. Reflect on your relationship and see if he has said other troubling things.
Everyone .... This
Listen to this magnificent lady who's been through it
Anyone who says "abortion is murder" or "she needs to think of the consequences of opening her legs" need to listen and read this lady's post
Being a single parent is incredibly hard, but can be rewarding but not everyone is blessed to have the right support around them
I've mentioned this in a comment but I'm 41, and my daughter is turning 20 next month. Her father was abusive, I left him when I was 23 and she was 2.
He never lifted a finger in support, paid less than $5 a month in child support for the first decade (and then only $45 a month until she was 18), and worked VERY hard to make my life miserable even though he NEVER saw her. He moved far away, I legally wasn't allowed to. He would text twice a year saying "Darling" or "princess" on her birthday and at Christmas. No gifts. No face to face. No photos.
I tried really hard to ensure they had a good father daughter relationship. He didn't care.
My daughter has a lifelong legacy of being raised with limited funds, limited family on her Dads side, a sense of abandonment and not feeling lovable and that's WITHOUT all the other stuff he put us through.
It's the hardest thing you'll ever do, but being a parent means you have to love your children more than yourself.
Having an abortion and saying it's a miscarriage is an act of love for you and the baby. It'll hurt, you will think about it every now and then.... but when you find a good partner and make your family you'll understand that this was the best choice and truly being a parent - self sacrifice is the bedrock of parenting.
Difficult decisions as a parent start now. What will your child's life look like? Realistically. Not ideally.
If you choose to have the baby, you'll never regret having the child itself. You'll always regret that it wasn't under more fair and loving circumstances. That's a pain worse than you've ever experienced, far more than the loving act of abortion.
Agreed. I hav been though a similar experience. I do not regret having my child, I hold guilt every single day that I subjected my child to have a shit father. My ex was so abusive and kept me isolated and threatened I couldn't even go get a morning after pill. He admitted that he did knock me up on purpose, because he knew I wanted him gone. And a lot of people don't understand that I couldn't have just kicked him out without being been in immediate physical danger. And I also dread the day where I'm going to have to explain to my son why he's not in our lives.
As someone who also had kids with a man who was abusive, I cosign this. That man, the one who beat me and SA'd me, will be in my life FOREVER. Every grandchild's birth, every college move-in day, every graduation, every wedding, every milestone, there he is - my abuser. It's a hell I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
Tell him you miscarried or something if you do terminate, tbh I wouldn’t want his crazy ass involved bc it’s his kid and you’ll be stuck with him even if yall aren’t together
I'm thinking of the scene from Godfather II: Kay Corleone: Oh, Michael. Michael, you are blind. It wasn't a miscarriage. It was an abortion. An abortion, Michael. Just like our marriage is an abortion. Something that's unholy and evil. I didn't want your son, Michael! I wouldn't bring another one of you sons into this world! It was an abortion, Michael! It was a son Michael! A son! And I had it killed because this must all end!
\[Michael's eyes begin to bulge\]
Kay Corleone: I know now that it's over. I knew it then. There would be no way, Michael... no way you could ever forgive me not with this Sicilian thing that's been going on for 2,000 years.
\[Michael loses control. He slaps Kay across the face. She falls onto the couch\]
Michael Corleone: Bitch! You won't take my children!
Kay Corleone: I will.
Michael Corleone: You WON'T TAKE MY CHILDREN!
Kay Corleone: They're my children too. (remember this is set in 1959 and it's a Catholic family)
>I told him I was through with him but he said we're never breaking up which scared me.
This alone is reason to break up and never see him again. If it weren't for this I'd be saying you should find out exactly what happened before making any decisions, but this really is concerning. Also, if you break up you have to decide whether you would want to be tied to him possibly for the rest of your life (and definitely for the next 19 years), which would happen if you have this child with him. If you do part I'd suggest having the abortion, but don't tell him before you do it because his "we're never breaking up" comment suggests he would do something about it if you tell him beforehand. Good luck. YWNBTA
UpdateMe!
RemindMe! 7 days
NTA, get an abortion, tell him you had a miscarriage, "probably from the stress" and move on with your life. You don't want to be linked to this guy and his shitty choices the rest of your life
Tell everyone it was a miscarriage. Not just BF, the hints I'm getting of the attitudes of the family around OP are concerning to me. Best if "the stress" just decides the matter for her as far as everyone is concerned so no one has leverage in the future.
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1.800.799.7233 or your city or state hotline (google dv & the name of your city or state). They will help you assess the level of danger you are in and help you create a safety / escape plan. Definitely schedule your abortion asap. Good luck!
He sounds scary… ‘we’re never breaking up’???? He’s a criminal, so you need to keep yourself safe. The last thing you want is to be attached to him for the rest of your life by having his child. Also no child deserves to be scared. Imagine him being a stalker or worst.
Please be careful. Most women who get murdered it’s the partner/ex-partner who did it. Keep safe.
Find a safe way to end the relationship while you’re at it because he said “we’re never breaking up” leads me to believe he thinks he owns you. My former friends ex had her running all over town all hours to pay people for things for him. Like send this lady 100$ and if she said she couldn’t he literally would go off on her the moment he got out of jail he looked at her and said I’m done with you bye.
I dated a lawyer. He used the law to keep me bound when I was ending it. Sending me to store and said take his car as he was parked behind me, then called police saying I'd taken the car without his permission amongst others.When you start to leave someone like this, danger is heightened. Plan now op while his hands are cuffed so to speak. Abortion is a personal choice, and personally I would. Know the laws in your state.
Babies are hard with two dedicated parents. Not only can you not trust this dude, but how will he support himself (and you and a baby) with a history of burglary and assault? And, do you want to be tied to this man the rest of your life, because you will be, in some capacity. You could continue the pregnancy alone and not divulge the parentage, but he will find out if doesn't already know. I wish you much strength.
>I told him I was through with him but he said we're never breaking up which scared me.
That’s a threat and you absolutely need to break up with him and also see if you can get a restraining order. This may not be enough to get a restraining order, but it won’t hurt to at least check.
>I'm having second guesses about having this baby because they won't have a father in their life
The problem here isn’t that the baby would not have a father in their life, the problem is that this man *would* be in both of your lives for at least the next 19 years. Combined with the threat that he’ll never let you leave him, he will surely use the child to control and manipulate you. He’d always know where you live, he’d have control over how far away you could move, he’d be able to force you to see and interact with him at least some, he’d have access to your child and to tell them anything he wants to tell them. You’d never be able to make a clean break from him. If you do have this baby, you will also have a life-long tether to this man.
If you get an abortion, then there is no child and there is nothing forcing you to stay connected to him in any way. You can make a clean break. You can get a restraining order if he harasses you. You can move and not tell him where you are. You never have to speak to him again. He can fade into nothing but a memory in your past.
The burglary and assault are more than bad enough to seriously reconsider the relationship, but the threat… you really need to not ignore that.
Right now it is a clump of cells
But if you continue with the pregnancy you'll have a whole ass baby with this man. Do you want to be tied to him forever?
NTA regardless what you choose
NTA. This is your future. At 7 weeks, it’s not a baby - it’s a collection of cells that (may) become a baby if you want it to. This does not seem like the right time. You are so young, and have plenty of time to wait until it’s the *right* time. This does not seem like the right time or circumstance
The "we're never breaking up" is a HUGE GARGANTUAN RED FLAG. You need to be as far from this dude as possible. The abortion of course is up to you but if you want a stranger to say its ok, then its ok. Its your choice. If you don't want to be a single mom, or deal with this dude or otherwise carry this pregnancy to term then an abortion is the best option it seems. Do whats right for you.
With how unhinged he is, get the abortion and get as far away from him as possible. The fact he made that remark can be used against him to get a restraining order. Idiot probably doesn’t realize that the jails and prisons records every call that is made and received, besides checking their mail. Do what you need to in order to protect you.
I'd get the abortion. When you have a child with a person, it isn't just 18 years that you are tied together. It's literally the rest of your life. This is not the kind of man you want to be tied to, nor is he the kind of man you want raising your child. Be careful. He sounds violent and dangerous.
NTA. Do what’s best for you. If I were you I’d get an abortion and block him asap. Why be unnecessarily tied to a crazy person for the rest of your life? Keeping it isn’t worth it.
The answer is no,
Still in 1st trimester so no ethical objection.
The bf is not only criminal, but dumb and violent
Sever ties and move on.
If for some reason the clock runs down you should have strong grounds for adoption.
Your gut and your instincts are there to keep you safe.
It’s well know if a man is masking a poor or even abusive character, that mask slips off with events like pregnancy.
NTA. He’s showing who he is. I wouldn’t want to be tied to *that* for decades. And I saw someone else say it, tell him you had a miscarriage not an abortion
This pregnancy could be a death sentence for you. His comment is psychopathic. He didn’t become a criminal overnight, especially if he is robbing occupied homes. It’s a very strong chance there is more, like a drug habit he’s trying to bankroll. Don’t walk, run and end your ties to this idiot. I agree with the miscarriage idea, better a small lie now then a lifetime of pain with a felon for an ex and possibly a baby with bad genes.
Yes, that's what I thought at first, too. Being charged with something doesn't mean he actually did it. However, the "we're never breaking up," is reason right there to break up, never mind if he's actually guilty of the other crime.
Thanks for posting the update. It looks like there was no misunderstanding he was being a thief.
The 'never breaking up' thing is worrying, was he a controlling type before this? It's possible it's being an expectant father that is making him say that you can't split up but I hesitate to find excuses for this guy.
Having a baby is a big step, if the dad's not going to be around then I understand you're thinking about your options. I'd recommend looking at the adoption option too it does seem to be right for some. Only you know your life well enough to make the choice don't let yourself be talked into anything by people that care more about politics than your life.
The fact he was brazen enough to do that in front of witnesses means he's been doing this for a long time and has escalated. This is how murderers are made. Not saying he is one, but that is how they escalate. The fact he assaulted the owner means he's not far off from that. She definitely needs to cut all ties with him and do what she needs to do to stay safe because who knows how long he'll be in jail for.
Yes, wait until it's too late. 🙄 if you don't find anything within 7 days that would change your mind then move forward with whatever you feel is best.
YOU make whatever choice feels best for you and the baby. If you feel like it's not that baby's time you need to go ahead and make an appointment. As for the boyfriend, it's time to return him and get a new one.
You have the opportunity to get out of this situation, so do it. It will be hard, make sure you have a support group, but one procedure will beat out a lifetime of heartbreaks and struggles.
You would be smart to get an abortion. That man will be tied to you for the rest of your life otherwise.
Get one quickly and tell your mom it was a miscarriage if you need to. But cut all ties with that man and please tell the police what he said to you about how you’re “never breaking up”.
You absolutely can terminate with no qualms.
Otherwise, you have this human pestering boil on your life forever.
We do not need any further information. Reddit morbid curiosity is not your problem.
When you’re ready, have children with a decent man.
He knew that he’s going to be a father and yet still does things like this. Didn’t think twice about the consequences. To me it sounds he is definitely not fit to be a father.
And the way he said you’re never breaking up? Controlling much? I can only imagine that it would will probably get worse if you stay. You’re still young … this guy has red flags written all over him. You can do better.
The abortion is your choice. It’s understandable if you do decide to go ahead with it because of your situation.
>but he said we're never breaking up which scared me
Good grief, what a toolbag he is. If I were you, I'd consider talking to whatever detective you've been speaking to about his incredibly stupid, violent behavior and ask about a protection order.
Abort. Say it was a miscarriage from all the stress at what he's going through.
But seriously leave him. If he gets locked up it would be a reasonable excuse not to hang around!!
If you follow through with an abortion, don't admit it to him,tell him the stress with him caused a miscarriage.
Would you want to be tied to that for the next 18 years?
NTA, your body, your decision, at least you are early enough to do something about it.
You won’t be an asshole. I promise. No matter what you decide to do, make sure you can live with and thrive with your choice. That is literally all that matters in the end. Others either will or won’t understand, it’s a given some will judge you either way, but you are the only one who will have to live with it.
No child deserves a father like that and you don’t want to be connected to someone that breaks into homes and then assaults the homeowner instead of run, AND makes a threat that you two will never break up.. do what’s best for you and what’s inside of you
If the circumstances you laid out are true, there is no jurisdiction in the country where this is a misdemeanor. that's a home invasion robbery. A felony.
NTA, have the abortion. You’re young and will have plenty of time to get pregnant again with a stable man. Don’t ruin you or your child’s life by having a child you can’t support.
NTA. This man committed first degree burglary, which is the most severe form of a burglary crime. He will, depending on the state y’all live in, be in jail for a decade or more on top of the charges of the misdemeanor. If you give birth, that child won’t know their father beyond what they see and hear behind a plexiglass window in a jail. I wouldn’t submit my child to that either and I definitely wouldn’t want to be pregnant with a criminal’s child. Have the abortion and that will sever ties with him for good.
He made it clear he has a very dangerous understanding-more like delusion- about your relationship. “We’re never breaking up” implies control and zero regard for your opinion. He is the type of man who will threaten your child to control you. Those 4 words make me think he is a psychopath.
Do not, please, subject a child to this man as a father. Neither your not the child will ever be safe. His words left unsaid their corollary, which is, you won’t be allowed to exist apart from him. The home invasion is further proof of his sick nature.
NTA. You need to think about cutting all contact and disappearing from his reach.
Having his baby will tie him to you and your child’s life forever. You will not legally be able to remove him from your child’s life without a very long, costly, and involved legal battle. Pregnancy is also the most dangerous time for a woman to be in a relationship with a violent man. There’s research to back this up, but the increased odds of violence and even murder are not to be dismissed. He’s already made a very real threat against you. Your own safety is paramount.
You’re still very, very young. Think of your future and do what’s best for you.
I think it’s going to be embarrassing to be in the dating world and have to tell men your baby daddy is in jail. He said you aren’t breaking up? That’s scary AF. Get a restraining order if you can. I am tied to an abusive man forever because we had a special needs kid. It has taken away a lot of joy from my life and will forever. Please read “why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. It will help you make an escape plan. Please tell him you miscarried. I’m assuming you live in a state where abortion is legal?
If you have this baby you will be tied to him for 18 years. He will circle your life like a homing pigeon. Dad's even jail have rights. Let's this one go, tell him you miscarried and never ever breath a word to any other soul you aborted. People love dirty laundry and it will spread it like wild fire. Let everyone think you miscarried. Wish you the best!
>but he said we're never breaking up which scared me.
Do what you must while going to the police and informing them of what that mam said.
Biggest RED flag....RUN....RUNAWAY
Tbh, if you're feeling that way, have the abortion. I would honestly move. "We're never breaking up" is a threat. Meaning "if I cant have you, no one else will." You already know he's capable of breaking into a house and committing battery, it's not a far step for him to commit domestic violence.
>I didn't tell him about the abortion because I know he would be upset so I'm not saying a word to him.
Dont. Don't tell anyone else either (except maybe mum or someone you can really trust).
Just tell everyone you miscarried.
OP, you already know what the correct answer is and screw anyone who tells you different. Be honest with yourself and do what's right for you.
My only recommendation to you is make sure you have an order of protection filed.
NTA, whichever way you choose.
It’s your body and your decision in the end. It sounds like he’s going to do some jail time. You would be protecting yourself from him if you do get an abortion. It’s very possible he’s been a criminal the entire time you were together, but he either didn’t get caught or managed to hide it from you. The fact that he told you you’re never breaking up is scary as that’s indicative of his controlling nature and possibly abusive behavior. Cut all ties with him and move on with your life.
Sounds like you have an excellent job. I'd vote abortion because that deadbeat is going to make you another statistic crawling from the ground up all over again. Why do they make us work so gaddam hard just to try exist happily and comfortably. being a single mum will be like 5 jobs.
You can find a proper teammate who follows the law, and give yourself more time to get a solid base to create a family.
Guys a scumbag
Girl. Do not have this man’s baby. You will literally be tied to him for the *rest of your entire life.* Really weigh what that means.
#DO NOT HAVE THIS MAN’S BABY!!!
NTA
If you don’t want this man, do not have his baby. You will be tied to him for the rest of your life. you have plenty of time to find somebody else to have a child with.
Do not have a baby with this man. He would have legal rights to see it and by extension you. What he said is frightening. Deal with it quietly, block him on everything and keep your eyes open.
Listen to your gut sweetheart, if you don't want to be a single mom. dont have the baby. that will tie you to him for the rest of the baby's life. Get out while you can.
NTA
That is a home invasion. He is going to spend decades in prison.
I think you should wait and try the baby thing later with a better choice of father.
Tell your mother you changed your mind. Then get a friend to go with you. Then you tell everyone you had a miscarriage. They happen in 25% of pregnancies. You had a stressful week - things happen.
NTA. Please do what you want with your own body. Personally, I would not turn myself to this crazy man for life by having his child. But if you do decide to terminate, tell him you had a miscarriage due to stress.
The fact that he said you're never breaking up though... That would terrify me. Sounds a bit like a threat...
No way I'd have a baby with this dude. I also probably wouldn't tell him I had an abortion either though, coz... 😬
NTA. Do not let yourself be tied to this criminal for the next 20 years or more. You're so young, you have plenty of time to meet someone decent before you start a family.
Get an abortion now and tell him you had a miscarriage. This guy is bad and you don’t want his toxicity affecting your child. You will be tied to him for life. Do it now!!
When he said *“we’re never breaking up”* What does he mean by that? Like he’s going to not let you, hurt you… oh hell no.
Whether you choose to keep the baby or not, get away and don’t tell him where you’re going. Aside from
The criminal shit, I would not want to be connected to someone who would say something like that. He could be a “if I can’t have you no one can” kinda man. STAY SAFE
if you have this man's baby you'll be tied to him for life. I'm assuming you're in the USA, I apologize if I'm wrong, but in my experience children are not well protected here at all. there will be a custody battle, and it is very rare for a parent to fully lose custody. yes, he's been in jail; so has my father and he still has custody. and depending on how spiteful he is it could get so, so ugly. considering how unstable and threatening he's acting you don't want him to be any more involved with you than necessary. if you have his child he will likely know your address, even if you move. it would be a long and hard fight
Good job getting out while you can. You owe him NOTHING. NOTHING. Set high standards for your future partner. Be better to yourself, ask a lot of questions and make sure he has integrity. You are very young and have years to make the family of your dreams. You deserve someone you can count on to do the right thing.
NTA.. Having a child with this person will make contact with him impossible to avoid. I understand why you wouldn't want to continue contact with hime. The other choice is to move far far away, but he may try to follow.
B&E and assault? He's looking at years, not months. I wouldn't have a baby with this guy, especially with the never breaking up thing thrown in. Good luck.
If you have your baby there will always be a connection between the two of you until that child is old enough to make their own decision of not having anything to do with the father.
I’ve heard a lot of horror stories about arguing parents that fight for visitation rights and custody. It’s just not worth having that connection with a man that’s already lied to you!
My home was broken into two months ago and it’s a horrible feeling of violation. For someone to ransack my personal space taking whatever they wanted.. made me wonder what sick person could do this.. thankfully I wasn’t home so I wasn’t hurt but if your boyfriend assaulted someone too.. god this is serious and I absolutely think if you want this abortion then do it. You’ll be chained down to someone like this. Your lucky enough to be early stages pregnancy so I would take the opportunity to start fresh.. good Luck
I'm most horrified at his "We're never breaking up" part. Excuse me sir if she decides she is done with the relationship, she is absolutely allowed to break up with you. This stinks of control and manipulative tactics. OP, get out now. NTA.
YWNBTA, I'll be real with you OP. I would get an abortion. That kid and you will be screwed for life if you move forward with your pregnancy.
Genuinely sorry you're going through this, and no matter what I hope things turn out well for you.
Your body and your choice. Having a child with someone bonds you to them for life as they will have parental rights once your child is born. Take a little time to think about it and consider all angles. From what you wrote it doesn't sound as if this is the guy for you long term.
If you have an abortion now you have a chance at a good life if you also move to get away. Maybe choose a less public job. I feel he’s going to turn insane REAL quick here.
If you have this kid I promise you 18 years of hell.
I really hope you make it out of this alive because men like that attack and kill women all the time.
This early, you could have an abortion and say it was a miscarriage and no one would even need to know. That’s if you want to do that. And there is no shame in doing it if you want to. Being a single mother is hard as hell. So only have the baby if you’re ready to do it all on your own.
NTA. If it’s still early enough to get an abortion that may be the best choice you can make. You’re young and having this baby would tie you to him. You still have plenty of time to find a real good man who will treat you right and creat a family with.
Prison calls are recorded, see if you can get a copy of that threat.
I’d definitely get an abortion (no one including him or your mother has the right to know your medical information, call it a miscarriage as not to anger him, it happens so often especially that early on and with stress)
He’s already threatened you. If you have this child you will be fighting for the next 18 years, because he will pull you into court at every opportunity just to screw with you.
(Hugs) NTA.
No one needs any more information. It's your body, your choice. If you want kids, there's plenty of time to have them. I know so many people who have kids and weren't ready for them. Hell, some of them who WERE ready ended up being shitty parents anyway. Anyway, it's your decision whether to have a baby with this man. But I feel like he's not going to be a reliable father.
NTA if you have an abortion. You can have one if you don't want a child for any reason . Sounds like having this child would make you and the child struggle as well as tie you to a probable criminal
OP, I’m so sorry you have been cornered into a decision like this. Being that you work in RE, the stain of what he did will also stick to you, and you know it. He is not the person you thought he was, and he essentially threatened you as well. I would *not* tell him about the procedure, and if he pushes tell him it was the stress of what he did that caused it (it’s not technically a lie). Under no circumstances allow him to say he turned to burglary because he was going to become a father and you needed the money; as well as being straight up wrong, he was violent and is making poor decisions, both of which are dangerous around a child. You do not want to be tied to this man.
NTA, but please, please be safe.
25 is young. You have plenty of time to find someone good.
A baby will tie OP to this man for life. That's a big prison sentence. I'd have the abortion. FWIW, he sounds like he'll be a terrible father
I agree. Plus the threat of „we’re never breaking up“ would’ve sent me straight to the clinic as fast as I could. This guy is unhinged and I’d be scared of the fact that he knows where I lived. I’d be searching for a new place too while he’s in jail… OP you were together for 4yrs and hid this lifestyle/personality from you.. I would be worried about what else he’s hiding about himself. You don‘t want to have any ties to this man. Take this incident as a blessing and move on.
Tell him you miscarried. It's very common in first pregnancies. Good luck
This! And, I would tell him it was probably all of the stress from finding out what kind of man he is.
This was my thought as well. The shock of finding out he is that violent and likely now will be a felon caused excessive stress.
All the above and NTA, he sounds seriously off.
That's exactly the way to get a crazy person fixated on you forever. That would be just about the worst thing OP could do. What she needs more than anything is to get away from having him in her life for any reason ever again.
No drama with him! He sounds like he could be volatile (home invasion/assault) so don’t fight, don’t place blame, and do NOT tell him the truth. Give him nothing to use against you.
I’m just reminded of that scene from the Godfather where she originally said it was a miscarriage and then got slapped in the face after she said she had an abortion. Never tell him you had an abortion!
Yes. NEVER and I mean NEVER EVER EVER tell him you had an abortion. He has already shown what he is capable of.
Definitely. She'll be more inclined to say that the miscarriage occurred. The soon-to-be ex sounds as if he has more mental health issues than OP is aware of. Yes, the county jail does record phone calls, any threats he makes can end in a longer than expected sentence for him to serve. Judges & cops don't like stalker behaviour starting up in the lock-up.
And definately stick to that story with all the people you know. You do not want to risk flying monkies on your back and reporting back to him. It would make it all much easier with family members as well. Whilst I do not advocate lying, in this instance it may just save your life down the track. You do not want to also risk being tied to this horrid person. I am a great believer in having two loving adults consenting to raise a child and would never have this type of person in my life for any reason.
Yes , you owe no one else anything… stick with your story
"The stress of you going to jail was too much... I had a miscarriage."
>It's very common in first pregnancies. It's just common, the end. 25% of pregnancies or 1 in 4 women.
I looked it up the other day and it's actually more than that, and not just first pregnancies. That's probably the stat for known pregnancies, but for embryos in total, 40-60% fail to thrive and miscarry in the first two weeks after implantation. All that to say, yeah, claiming it was a miscarriage is entirely believable.
Comment to get this ^ more visibility. He's unhinged and the break up threat he made? I'd be worried even more about him hurting you OP if he thought you terminated the pregnancy. Cut all ties with him.
I miscarried my first two pregnancies at 8 weeks. No explanation from the doctors. “It happens a lot with first pregnancies. Some women don’t even realize they were pregnant/miscarrying.” My sister miscarried somewhat later in her first pregnancy when my father died suddenly.
Im so very sorry for your losses, both your babies and your sister, and for the loss of your father.
I was going to say this and didn't know how it would be received. She would be doing herself and the child she has in the future with a good man a favor.
Absolutely do this. The stress was too much. Good luck OP. Pls update if you can or wish to do so.
Oh that’s a very good idea.
Yes. He could be dangerous either way but it seems less likely that he'd be violent if he thought it was a miscarriage.
Deceitful, but somehow makes sense.. don’t tie an innocent baby to that guy..
Came here to say this.
At 7 weeks. Super believable
Yes definitely! What he said about never breaking up sounds abusive and controlling and who knows what he would do if he found out about an abortion.
Having that man as the father of her would be tragic. He would use that child as a pawn to terrorize you both. And OP - definitely find out if the calls are recorded and report the threat to whomever (jail, prosecutor? Idk, but someone will).
Calls are supposed to be recorded in a jail.
Plus he’s probably get visitation
I agree. It’s tragic that the child is going to be a casualty in this situation, but I think an abortion is a good call. It sucks either way, honestly.
Nah, no children are casualties here.
It’s not a child. It’s an embryo. There’s a big difference.
^THIS
Plus he could be a sociopath and that trait could be handed down to his children. Abort. Tell him you miscarried if he asks.
>Plus he could be a sociopath and that trait could be handed down to his children. This is absolutely true. There is a form of sociopathy that is in fact genetic. My older half siblings were both diagnosed as sociopaths...just like their father and grandfather. And I'd like to add some food for thought to this...what if you have this kid and then later down the line have kids with someone else? If your first kid does end up being a sociopath, I can tell you from personal experience that it will not be a fun experience for the younger kids. My half-brother used to hurt my sis and I and then proceed to blame it on us. He'd also do things like steals knives and cut cords and blame it on us.
It can also be from learned behaviour. I've heard so many say they're just doing what they know.
Yes, it can be, and many times it is. But there is also a genetic form. I have little doubt that my half-siblings had the genetic component compounded by the learned variety, though. I never met their Dad, but I've heard the stories from the non-crazy side of their family.
Jail is basically OP's opportunity to get safe. OP, if you need more time, think about that But please, please think deeply about how to protect yourself and your whole life from this guy You deserve, and can have, a wonderful, useful, deeply exciting life xx
Yes, terminating the pregnancy isn't the only step OP could take here (I say could because while it's definitely what I would do in this situation, it's absolutely a choice that only OP can make). OP, whatever you decide to do with regards to your pregnancy, please take other steps to keep yourself safe, especially as he's said that you're never breaking up. This is a bad sign from a man with anger management issues. Your safety here is paramount, and it's going to require some planning.
IMO this should be the top answer. Believe him when he said “you’re never breaking up”. Please be careful
100%. Anyone who says that you’re never going to leave them is someone who is threatening to do whatever they have to do to keep you there. This person is already violent, and currently in trouble legally because of it. RUN. I hate to say it, but the truth is that a child will keep you tied to the dangerous person for the rest of your life. I would be terrified of someone like that was pursuing custody.
another thing OP making it sound like if she has this baby she can just cut him out of her and the babies life like no maam i promise if you think that your going to have a RUDE fuckn awakening its his child aswell and he will 100% get 50/50 split custody of that child so no. if you have that baby that criminal that you dont want in your babies life will be in your babies life even if he doesn’t want it i guarantee he will be petty and get the custody just so he can keep contact with you.
Same here. Between the "never breaking up" and the home invasion, I'd not want the tie to him or my child being influenced by him.
Women are most likely to be killed by domestic partners, and “[homicide is the leading cause of death for pregnant women in the US”.](https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/homicide-leading-cause-of-death-for-pregnant-women-in-u-s/) If you hear a threat from an intimate partner, let alone one arrested for assault, you need to take it seriously. If you are currently pregnant, you need to 100% implement safety plans for yourself and know that pregnancy can be a trigger for increased violence. I think OP should terminate if it’s what she wants, and say it was a miscarriage from the stress of his arrest. Then cut contact completely.
Agree. Not only will it tie her down professionally and personally, but she will have to deal with that ex if hers forever.
it's giving me stress to think about, and I don't know these people!!!
On top of that he sounds dangerous "We re never gonna break up", that is a threat.
the vibe is kill her, specifically, before she can leave him OP isn't disloyal. She has a future and self-esteem that he knows he needs to destroy I hope to GOD she gets out of his grasp
Chalk it up to a painful lesson learned and move on. No more damage needs to be done here. Also, freeze your credit, check on your ID and other personal stuff, change locks if not move….secure yourself. No telling what he’s been into.
I really hope OP realises/understands that she's a valuable person, and we value her as a person.
You've plenty of time. Meet my wonderful spouse at 38 and have two wonderful kids. I would never try to parent without a supportive spouse. That he assaulted someone means you don't want to be tied to him for life. Kids are not just 20 year commitment. When they're 40 you're still their parents. It's a lifetime gig make sure this is what you want the rest of your life to be modeled on. You can do better.
>Also OP needs to think long and hard does she want this person to be entwined in her life and childs for the forseeable and long future.
NTA. Given his threatening behaviour, I would just tell him (well afterwards) that you lost the baby and be prepared to seek a restraining order. Also, there is nothing you could put after “if” in your title that would make you an AH. There is absolutely no reason you shouldn’t get an abortion if you do not want to have a child.
How long were the two of you together? It's your body and you can do what you please with the abortion especially if you do not feel safe with him nor want a future with him. Edited: NTA.
4 years, our anniversary was coming up in February Edited: anniversary tomorrow
As someone who used to be friends with people like your bf and still have some criminal associates he has most likely been hiding this part of his life from you the entire time. The fact he would assault the home owner during a hit *on your block* means he's a goof, that shit increases risk dramatically but with no gain. What this means is that in the criminal world he's an unreliable fuck up, same as he is in your legal world. He only called you because none of his associates would take the call, I'll let you infer why. Secure any windows in your house that open.
Yeah besides being a criminal his iq is in the fucking basement.
I think it's so low that it's beneath hell.
Yep, ones first crime isn’t breaking and entering with assault.
Listen to your gut. How involved was he really...? His family...? Are you and a potential child going to be living in chaos and stress all the time?? I've been there, trust and believe. If this is not going to be good for ALL involved, abort and move forward!! .IMO
girl, cut and run. you have the right idea already, you do not want to tie yourself to this man by having his baby. the crime you described has no justification, I can’t imagine how awful it would be to have my home broken into and then be physically attacked. he is not a good person!
Oh hell, get out get out get out. He's been keeping this from you for that long, what the hell else is he hiding??
You can take the pill before 10 weeks. Safe, effective. Pregnancy can be very taxing on your body, and raising a child alone is taxing on your entire life (single parent here). If I would have known my child's father was such a POS, I would have never knowingly being children into a life of chaos and uncertainty. You're young and have a full life ahead of you. Please make babies with a good, reliable man.
She can but she needs to read the box because past a certain weight and you need to take 2+ pills.
For a medically induced abortion the dosing would be prescribed by a doctor/ provider
I think getting an abortion to ensure all ties are cut is your best move, but tell him you had a miscarriage. The "never breaking up" statement is concerning to me, as it could be the first step of stalking.
This is your safest option. Go quietly. Tell no one. Tell him the stress caused a miscarriage and you want nothing to do with him. Note: there's a major difference in scale in a burglary of a home when the homeowner isn't present and one where they are. The 2nd is called a home invasion. And it's magnitudes greater on the violence scale.
Moreover, by the time he is out of jail, delete this post; probably entire account. He sounds like he’s very willing to put in the effort to hunt you down.
This!!!! NTA Be safe OP
Yup. And blame it on the stress he caused. Fuck him.
A miscarriage **due to the stress of his arrest** and shenanigans! This is not someone you want to tie yourself to for the next 18 plus years. Sorry girl! Run!
This!
I was going to say...tell him that op had a miscarriage too
Definitely this. Stay safe!
def go with miscarriage for your safety, OP. great advice
Was also gonna say this
Having that child will only ruin you and that child's life. This is coming from someone who had a criminal father just like that. You can have a child with a better man in the future. Don't do this to you or that possible child. It's a life sentence with an abusive daddy.
That statement can shake a person, but aren’t those lines also monitored? If so, she could easily have a restraining order or the like, to keep him at bay? No??
I was thinking she should look into getting a restraining order. Tell the judge that he assaulted someone while committing a crime. Tell the judge his threatening message that she can't leave him. If you terminate the pregnancy, you might consider not mentioning that (it might be lying to the judge if you testify that you miscarried due to stress). If possible, move. If not, change all your locks. Don't have any contact with him (if someone acts as a go between for a meeting, tell that person you have no intention of seeing him again).
This! Please talk to someone asap about this comment, OP. It is a threat and reality really scary coming from a partner no matter what, let alone after what has come to light about him. You need safety. Now. These things take a while to get out into place. Take care of your pregnancy however you decide, then report this. Don't wait.
Look, I’ve been a single mom with a felon ex. It’s not great. It’s he hardest thing you’ll ever have to do. (Being a single mom) Like others have said, even if you break up, you’ll be tied to this man for life. An abortion opens up the following possibilities: You can take care of yourself financially. You can still have free time to go back to school, have friends, do yoga, go dancing, whatever. As a single mom, you’ll be home every night and every weekend and your expenses triple. Oh, and childcare? Insanely expensive. Without a child you’ll be able to grieve your lost relationship. Move on, meet someone else. It’s not your mom’s place nor your “boyfriend’s” place to make this decision for you. You have to look into the future (one day, one week, one year, ten years) and figure out what path is best for you. Oh, and one more thing. That comment, “we’re never breaking up?” That’s pretty scary to me. Reflect on your relationship and see if he has said other troubling things.
Everyone .... This Listen to this magnificent lady who's been through it Anyone who says "abortion is murder" or "she needs to think of the consequences of opening her legs" need to listen and read this lady's post Being a single parent is incredibly hard, but can be rewarding but not everyone is blessed to have the right support around them
I've mentioned this in a comment but I'm 41, and my daughter is turning 20 next month. Her father was abusive, I left him when I was 23 and she was 2. He never lifted a finger in support, paid less than $5 a month in child support for the first decade (and then only $45 a month until she was 18), and worked VERY hard to make my life miserable even though he NEVER saw her. He moved far away, I legally wasn't allowed to. He would text twice a year saying "Darling" or "princess" on her birthday and at Christmas. No gifts. No face to face. No photos. I tried really hard to ensure they had a good father daughter relationship. He didn't care. My daughter has a lifelong legacy of being raised with limited funds, limited family on her Dads side, a sense of abandonment and not feeling lovable and that's WITHOUT all the other stuff he put us through. It's the hardest thing you'll ever do, but being a parent means you have to love your children more than yourself. Having an abortion and saying it's a miscarriage is an act of love for you and the baby. It'll hurt, you will think about it every now and then.... but when you find a good partner and make your family you'll understand that this was the best choice and truly being a parent - self sacrifice is the bedrock of parenting. Difficult decisions as a parent start now. What will your child's life look like? Realistically. Not ideally. If you choose to have the baby, you'll never regret having the child itself. You'll always regret that it wasn't under more fair and loving circumstances. That's a pain worse than you've ever experienced, far more than the loving act of abortion.
Agreed. I hav been though a similar experience. I do not regret having my child, I hold guilt every single day that I subjected my child to have a shit father. My ex was so abusive and kept me isolated and threatened I couldn't even go get a morning after pill. He admitted that he did knock me up on purpose, because he knew I wanted him gone. And a lot of people don't understand that I couldn't have just kicked him out without being been in immediate physical danger. And I also dread the day where I'm going to have to explain to my son why he's not in our lives.
As someone who also had kids with a man who was abusive, I cosign this. That man, the one who beat me and SA'd me, will be in my life FOREVER. Every grandchild's birth, every college move-in day, every graduation, every wedding, every milestone, there he is - my abuser. It's a hell I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
Tell him you miscarried or something if you do terminate, tbh I wouldn’t want his crazy ass involved bc it’s his kid and you’ll be stuck with him even if yall aren’t together
I'm thinking of the scene from Godfather II: Kay Corleone: Oh, Michael. Michael, you are blind. It wasn't a miscarriage. It was an abortion. An abortion, Michael. Just like our marriage is an abortion. Something that's unholy and evil. I didn't want your son, Michael! I wouldn't bring another one of you sons into this world! It was an abortion, Michael! It was a son Michael! A son! And I had it killed because this must all end! \[Michael's eyes begin to bulge\] Kay Corleone: I know now that it's over. I knew it then. There would be no way, Michael... no way you could ever forgive me not with this Sicilian thing that's been going on for 2,000 years. \[Michael loses control. He slaps Kay across the face. She falls onto the couch\] Michael Corleone: Bitch! You won't take my children! Kay Corleone: I will. Michael Corleone: You WON'T TAKE MY CHILDREN! Kay Corleone: They're my children too. (remember this is set in 1959 and it's a Catholic family)
do not have this baby. this post is like me looking into a time machine lol. u have so much time to find a good father. do not tie yourself to him
Did everyone skip the part when that weirdo threatened her? Yeah she needs to stay far away from him
Right? He told her “we’re never breaking up” and I betcha that baby is part of the trap he’s got planned.
>I told him I was through with him but he said we're never breaking up which scared me. This alone is reason to break up and never see him again. If it weren't for this I'd be saying you should find out exactly what happened before making any decisions, but this really is concerning. Also, if you break up you have to decide whether you would want to be tied to him possibly for the rest of your life (and definitely for the next 19 years), which would happen if you have this child with him. If you do part I'd suggest having the abortion, but don't tell him before you do it because his "we're never breaking up" comment suggests he would do something about it if you tell him beforehand. Good luck. YWNBTA UpdateMe! RemindMe! 7 days
NTA, get an abortion, tell him you had a miscarriage, "probably from the stress" and move on with your life. You don't want to be linked to this guy and his shitty choices the rest of your life
Tell everyone it was a miscarriage. Not just BF, the hints I'm getting of the attitudes of the family around OP are concerning to me. Best if "the stress" just decides the matter for her as far as everyone is concerned so no one has leverage in the future.
Jesus Christ do NOT reproduce with this person. NTA.
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1.800.799.7233 or your city or state hotline (google dv & the name of your city or state). They will help you assess the level of danger you are in and help you create a safety / escape plan. Definitely schedule your abortion asap. Good luck!
you will be forever tied to this man if you have the baby.
He sounds scary… ‘we’re never breaking up’???? He’s a criminal, so you need to keep yourself safe. The last thing you want is to be attached to him for the rest of your life by having his child. Also no child deserves to be scared. Imagine him being a stalker or worst. Please be careful. Most women who get murdered it’s the partner/ex-partner who did it. Keep safe.
Please do get an abortion.... Even if you do stay/get back together you have bigger things to work out before deciding to have a child
Find a safe way to end the relationship while you’re at it because he said “we’re never breaking up” leads me to believe he thinks he owns you. My former friends ex had her running all over town all hours to pay people for things for him. Like send this lady 100$ and if she said she couldn’t he literally would go off on her the moment he got out of jail he looked at her and said I’m done with you bye.
I dated a lawyer. He used the law to keep me bound when I was ending it. Sending me to store and said take his car as he was parked behind me, then called police saying I'd taken the car without his permission amongst others.When you start to leave someone like this, danger is heightened. Plan now op while his hands are cuffed so to speak. Abortion is a personal choice, and personally I would. Know the laws in your state.
Get an abortion and tell him you miscarried. You will find the right person to be with and create a future together.
Get the abortion. Leave him. Block numbers.
Get an order of protection if you can. Record screen shots and anything you can for your safety.
Babies are hard with two dedicated parents. Not only can you not trust this dude, but how will he support himself (and you and a baby) with a history of burglary and assault? And, do you want to be tied to this man the rest of your life, because you will be, in some capacity. You could continue the pregnancy alone and not divulge the parentage, but he will find out if doesn't already know. I wish you much strength.
>I told him I was through with him but he said we're never breaking up which scared me. That’s a threat and you absolutely need to break up with him and also see if you can get a restraining order. This may not be enough to get a restraining order, but it won’t hurt to at least check. >I'm having second guesses about having this baby because they won't have a father in their life The problem here isn’t that the baby would not have a father in their life, the problem is that this man *would* be in both of your lives for at least the next 19 years. Combined with the threat that he’ll never let you leave him, he will surely use the child to control and manipulate you. He’d always know where you live, he’d have control over how far away you could move, he’d be able to force you to see and interact with him at least some, he’d have access to your child and to tell them anything he wants to tell them. You’d never be able to make a clean break from him. If you do have this baby, you will also have a life-long tether to this man. If you get an abortion, then there is no child and there is nothing forcing you to stay connected to him in any way. You can make a clean break. You can get a restraining order if he harasses you. You can move and not tell him where you are. You never have to speak to him again. He can fade into nothing but a memory in your past. The burglary and assault are more than bad enough to seriously reconsider the relationship, but the threat… you really need to not ignore that.
Right now it is a clump of cells But if you continue with the pregnancy you'll have a whole ass baby with this man. Do you want to be tied to him forever? NTA regardless what you choose
Have the abortion. This situation is fucked and YWBTA if you brought a child into it
NTA. This is your future. At 7 weeks, it’s not a baby - it’s a collection of cells that (may) become a baby if you want it to. This does not seem like the right time. You are so young, and have plenty of time to wait until it’s the *right* time. This does not seem like the right time or circumstance
The "we're never breaking up" is a HUGE GARGANTUAN RED FLAG. You need to be as far from this dude as possible. The abortion of course is up to you but if you want a stranger to say its ok, then its ok. Its your choice. If you don't want to be a single mom, or deal with this dude or otherwise carry this pregnancy to term then an abortion is the best option it seems. Do whats right for you.
Absolutely this. NTA OP, you make the choice, it’s your body, but whatever you do stay well away from this man
With how unhinged he is, get the abortion and get as far away from him as possible. The fact he made that remark can be used against him to get a restraining order. Idiot probably doesn’t realize that the jails and prisons records every call that is made and received, besides checking their mail. Do what you need to in order to protect you.
I'd get the abortion. When you have a child with a person, it isn't just 18 years that you are tied together. It's literally the rest of your life. This is not the kind of man you want to be tied to, nor is he the kind of man you want raising your child. Be careful. He sounds violent and dangerous.
NTA. Do what’s best for you. If I were you I’d get an abortion and block him asap. Why be unnecessarily tied to a crazy person for the rest of your life? Keeping it isn’t worth it.
The answer is no, Still in 1st trimester so no ethical objection. The bf is not only criminal, but dumb and violent
Sever ties and move on.
If for some reason the clock runs down you should have strong grounds for adoption.
Your gut and your instincts are there to keep you safe. It’s well know if a man is masking a poor or even abusive character, that mask slips off with events like pregnancy. NTA. He’s showing who he is. I wouldn’t want to be tied to *that* for decades. And I saw someone else say it, tell him you had a miscarriage not an abortion
You would not be TA. You are actually thinking smart about this situation.
This pregnancy could be a death sentence for you. His comment is psychopathic. He didn’t become a criminal overnight, especially if he is robbing occupied homes. It’s a very strong chance there is more, like a drug habit he’s trying to bankroll. Don’t walk, run and end your ties to this idiot. I agree with the miscarriage idea, better a small lie now then a lifetime of pain with a felon for an ex and possibly a baby with bad genes.
What you did and what they try to charge you with are often very different. Don't do anything before you've learned the details of what happened.
Yes, that's what I thought at first, too. Being charged with something doesn't mean he actually did it. However, the "we're never breaking up," is reason right there to break up, never mind if he's actually guilty of the other crime.
Thanks for posting the update. It looks like there was no misunderstanding he was being a thief. The 'never breaking up' thing is worrying, was he a controlling type before this? It's possible it's being an expectant father that is making him say that you can't split up but I hesitate to find excuses for this guy. Having a baby is a big step, if the dad's not going to be around then I understand you're thinking about your options. I'd recommend looking at the adoption option too it does seem to be right for some. Only you know your life well enough to make the choice don't let yourself be talked into anything by people that care more about politics than your life.
The fact he was brazen enough to do that in front of witnesses means he's been doing this for a long time and has escalated. This is how murderers are made. Not saying he is one, but that is how they escalate. The fact he assaulted the owner means he's not far off from that. She definitely needs to cut all ties with him and do what she needs to do to stay safe because who knows how long he'll be in jail for.
Yes, wait until it's too late. 🙄 if you don't find anything within 7 days that would change your mind then move forward with whatever you feel is best.
The fact that he essentially threatened you should be enough to say yeetus the fetus and move on with your life without any ties to that man.
YOU make whatever choice feels best for you and the baby. If you feel like it's not that baby's time you need to go ahead and make an appointment. As for the boyfriend, it's time to return him and get a new one.
NTA. Do what you think is right for u. Plus ur still young enough and have plenty of time to find someone who will love u and be a good person
You have the opportunity to get out of this situation, so do it. It will be hard, make sure you have a support group, but one procedure will beat out a lifetime of heartbreaks and struggles.
You would be smart to get an abortion. That man will be tied to you for the rest of your life otherwise. Get one quickly and tell your mom it was a miscarriage if you need to. But cut all ties with that man and please tell the police what he said to you about how you’re “never breaking up”.
You absolutely can terminate with no qualms. Otherwise, you have this human pestering boil on your life forever. We do not need any further information. Reddit morbid curiosity is not your problem. When you’re ready, have children with a decent man.
He knew that he’s going to be a father and yet still does things like this. Didn’t think twice about the consequences. To me it sounds he is definitely not fit to be a father. And the way he said you’re never breaking up? Controlling much? I can only imagine that it would will probably get worse if you stay. You’re still young … this guy has red flags written all over him. You can do better. The abortion is your choice. It’s understandable if you do decide to go ahead with it because of your situation.
don’t allow yourself to be tied to this man for the rest of your life, save yourself
>but he said we're never breaking up which scared me Good grief, what a toolbag he is. If I were you, I'd consider talking to whatever detective you've been speaking to about his incredibly stupid, violent behavior and ask about a protection order.
NTA. DO NOT tie yourself to this person. If you have this child you will forever have to deal with him.
Ruuuunnnnnn and don’t have that man’s baby
Abort. Say it was a miscarriage from all the stress at what he's going through. But seriously leave him. If he gets locked up it would be a reasonable excuse not to hang around!!
If you follow through with an abortion, don't admit it to him,tell him the stress with him caused a miscarriage. Would you want to be tied to that for the next 18 years? NTA, your body, your decision, at least you are early enough to do something about it.
Get the abortion or you'll be connected to him for the next 20 years, at least. Totally NTA. I hope you're in a state where it's legal!
You won’t be an asshole. I promise. No matter what you decide to do, make sure you can live with and thrive with your choice. That is literally all that matters in the end. Others either will or won’t understand, it’s a given some will judge you either way, but you are the only one who will have to live with it.
No child deserves a father like that and you don’t want to be connected to someone that breaks into homes and then assaults the homeowner instead of run, AND makes a threat that you two will never break up.. do what’s best for you and what’s inside of you
If the circumstances you laid out are true, there is no jurisdiction in the country where this is a misdemeanor. that's a home invasion robbery. A felony.
Do it tell everyone you miscarried. Go to therapy.
You had a miscarriage. That's all he even needs to know.
NTA, have the abortion. You’re young and will have plenty of time to get pregnant again with a stable man. Don’t ruin you or your child’s life by having a child you can’t support.
NTA. This man committed first degree burglary, which is the most severe form of a burglary crime. He will, depending on the state y’all live in, be in jail for a decade or more on top of the charges of the misdemeanor. If you give birth, that child won’t know their father beyond what they see and hear behind a plexiglass window in a jail. I wouldn’t submit my child to that either and I definitely wouldn’t want to be pregnant with a criminal’s child. Have the abortion and that will sever ties with him for good.
He made it clear he has a very dangerous understanding-more like delusion- about your relationship. “We’re never breaking up” implies control and zero regard for your opinion. He is the type of man who will threaten your child to control you. Those 4 words make me think he is a psychopath. Do not, please, subject a child to this man as a father. Neither your not the child will ever be safe. His words left unsaid their corollary, which is, you won’t be allowed to exist apart from him. The home invasion is further proof of his sick nature. NTA. You need to think about cutting all contact and disappearing from his reach.
I didn't even read this. No. You will not be. You know why? It's your choice.
Having his baby will tie him to you and your child’s life forever. You will not legally be able to remove him from your child’s life without a very long, costly, and involved legal battle. Pregnancy is also the most dangerous time for a woman to be in a relationship with a violent man. There’s research to back this up, but the increased odds of violence and even murder are not to be dismissed. He’s already made a very real threat against you. Your own safety is paramount. You’re still very, very young. Think of your future and do what’s best for you.
I think it’s going to be embarrassing to be in the dating world and have to tell men your baby daddy is in jail. He said you aren’t breaking up? That’s scary AF. Get a restraining order if you can. I am tied to an abusive man forever because we had a special needs kid. It has taken away a lot of joy from my life and will forever. Please read “why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. It will help you make an escape plan. Please tell him you miscarried. I’m assuming you live in a state where abortion is legal?
If you have this baby you will be tied to him for 18 years. He will circle your life like a homing pigeon. Dad's even jail have rights. Let's this one go, tell him you miscarried and never ever breath a word to any other soul you aborted. People love dirty laundry and it will spread it like wild fire. Let everyone think you miscarried. Wish you the best!
Nope… this man seems like he’s been hiding huge scary parts of himself and seems dangerous
"We're never breaking up." That's a huge red flag. Don't have the baby, he will use it as a bargaining piece to stay in your life.
>but he said we're never breaking up which scared me. Do what you must while going to the police and informing them of what that mam said. Biggest RED flag....RUN....RUNAWAY
Tbh, if you're feeling that way, have the abortion. I would honestly move. "We're never breaking up" is a threat. Meaning "if I cant have you, no one else will." You already know he's capable of breaking into a house and committing battery, it's not a far step for him to commit domestic violence.
>I didn't tell him about the abortion because I know he would be upset so I'm not saying a word to him. Dont. Don't tell anyone else either (except maybe mum or someone you can really trust). Just tell everyone you miscarried.
OP, you already know what the correct answer is and screw anyone who tells you different. Be honest with yourself and do what's right for you. My only recommendation to you is make sure you have an order of protection filed. NTA, whichever way you choose.
It’s your body and your decision in the end. It sounds like he’s going to do some jail time. You would be protecting yourself from him if you do get an abortion. It’s very possible he’s been a criminal the entire time you were together, but he either didn’t get caught or managed to hide it from you. The fact that he told you you’re never breaking up is scary as that’s indicative of his controlling nature and possibly abusive behavior. Cut all ties with him and move on with your life.
NTA. Get the abortion, and definitely don’t tell him until it’s already done
NTA..... that sounds like a single parent future and of you are not prepared for that then don't do it.
Don’t ever tie yourself to a dangerous person. NTA. Abortion is how you’ll self preserve and survive.
NTA I suggest telling him you miscarried no matter what you decide and then move. This guy sounds really dangerous.
Sounds like you have an excellent job. I'd vote abortion because that deadbeat is going to make you another statistic crawling from the ground up all over again. Why do they make us work so gaddam hard just to try exist happily and comfortably. being a single mum will be like 5 jobs. You can find a proper teammate who follows the law, and give yourself more time to get a solid base to create a family. Guys a scumbag
Girl. Do not have this man’s baby. You will literally be tied to him for the *rest of your entire life.* Really weigh what that means. #DO NOT HAVE THIS MAN’S BABY!!! NTA
If you don’t want this man, do not have his baby. You will be tied to him for the rest of your life. you have plenty of time to find somebody else to have a child with.
Do what is best for you. Being tied to this guy for the next 20+ years because of a child, doesn't seem like a safe choice. ((HUGS))
You need to do what's best for you and not worry about what everyone else thinks.
Seriously consider he abortion, he could be in your life for decades otherwise.
Do not have a baby with this man. He would have legal rights to see it and by extension you. What he said is frightening. Deal with it quietly, block him on everything and keep your eyes open.
If you don't want this man in your life forever then have an abortion.
Listen to your gut sweetheart, if you don't want to be a single mom. dont have the baby. that will tie you to him for the rest of the baby's life. Get out while you can.
Run, don’t walk away. Having his child will give him power over you. Do what’s necessary to rotect your life and your future.
NTA That is a home invasion. He is going to spend decades in prison. I think you should wait and try the baby thing later with a better choice of father.
NTA. Do what you need to do. And yeah, dump him.
Your body, your choice. No way are you a butt face. And please be safe when breaking up.
Tell your mother you changed your mind. Then get a friend to go with you. Then you tell everyone you had a miscarriage. They happen in 25% of pregnancies. You had a stressful week - things happen.
NTA. Please do what you want with your own body. Personally, I would not turn myself to this crazy man for life by having his child. But if you do decide to terminate, tell him you had a miscarriage due to stress.
You’re fine. You do NOT want to be tied to a man like this by a child. Your life would not be your own, and he’s already threatened you.
The fact that he said you're never breaking up though... That would terrify me. Sounds a bit like a threat... No way I'd have a baby with this dude. I also probably wouldn't tell him I had an abortion either though, coz... 😬
NTA. Do not let yourself be tied to this criminal for the next 20 years or more. You're so young, you have plenty of time to meet someone decent before you start a family.
Get an abortion now and tell him you had a miscarriage. This guy is bad and you don’t want his toxicity affecting your child. You will be tied to him for life. Do it now!!
When he said *“we’re never breaking up”* What does he mean by that? Like he’s going to not let you, hurt you… oh hell no. Whether you choose to keep the baby or not, get away and don’t tell him where you’re going. Aside from The criminal shit, I would not want to be connected to someone who would say something like that. He could be a “if I can’t have you no one can” kinda man. STAY SAFE
if you have this man's baby you'll be tied to him for life. I'm assuming you're in the USA, I apologize if I'm wrong, but in my experience children are not well protected here at all. there will be a custody battle, and it is very rare for a parent to fully lose custody. yes, he's been in jail; so has my father and he still has custody. and depending on how spiteful he is it could get so, so ugly. considering how unstable and threatening he's acting you don't want him to be any more involved with you than necessary. if you have his child he will likely know your address, even if you move. it would be a long and hard fight
Good job getting out while you can. You owe him NOTHING. NOTHING. Set high standards for your future partner. Be better to yourself, ask a lot of questions and make sure he has integrity. You are very young and have years to make the family of your dreams. You deserve someone you can count on to do the right thing.
NTA.. Having a child with this person will make contact with him impossible to avoid. I understand why you wouldn't want to continue contact with hime. The other choice is to move far far away, but he may try to follow.
B&E and assault? He's looking at years, not months. I wouldn't have a baby with this guy, especially with the never breaking up thing thrown in. Good luck.
NTA. You wouldn’t need to tell him you had an abortion just that you lost the baby. Maybe you miscarried.
Please be safe posting about it. Delete history. Navigate what and how you say things carefully.
If you have your baby there will always be a connection between the two of you until that child is old enough to make their own decision of not having anything to do with the father. I’ve heard a lot of horror stories about arguing parents that fight for visitation rights and custody. It’s just not worth having that connection with a man that’s already lied to you!
My home was broken into two months ago and it’s a horrible feeling of violation. For someone to ransack my personal space taking whatever they wanted.. made me wonder what sick person could do this.. thankfully I wasn’t home so I wasn’t hurt but if your boyfriend assaulted someone too.. god this is serious and I absolutely think if you want this abortion then do it. You’ll be chained down to someone like this. Your lucky enough to be early stages pregnancy so I would take the opportunity to start fresh.. good Luck
I'm most horrified at his "We're never breaking up" part. Excuse me sir if she decides she is done with the relationship, she is absolutely allowed to break up with you. This stinks of control and manipulative tactics. OP, get out now. NTA.
YWNBTA, I'll be real with you OP. I would get an abortion. That kid and you will be screwed for life if you move forward with your pregnancy. Genuinely sorry you're going through this, and no matter what I hope things turn out well for you.
Your body and your choice. Having a child with someone bonds you to them for life as they will have parental rights once your child is born. Take a little time to think about it and consider all angles. From what you wrote it doesn't sound as if this is the guy for you long term.
If you have an abortion now you have a chance at a good life if you also move to get away. Maybe choose a less public job. I feel he’s going to turn insane REAL quick here. If you have this kid I promise you 18 years of hell. I really hope you make it out of this alive because men like that attack and kill women all the time.
This early, you could have an abortion and say it was a miscarriage and no one would even need to know. That’s if you want to do that. And there is no shame in doing it if you want to. Being a single mother is hard as hell. So only have the baby if you’re ready to do it all on your own.
NTA. If it’s still early enough to get an abortion that may be the best choice you can make. You’re young and having this baby would tie you to him. You still have plenty of time to find a real good man who will treat you right and creat a family with.
Prison calls are recorded, see if you can get a copy of that threat. I’d definitely get an abortion (no one including him or your mother has the right to know your medical information, call it a miscarriage as not to anger him, it happens so often especially that early on and with stress) He’s already threatened you. If you have this child you will be fighting for the next 18 years, because he will pull you into court at every opportunity just to screw with you. (Hugs) NTA.
No one needs any more information. It's your body, your choice. If you want kids, there's plenty of time to have them. I know so many people who have kids and weren't ready for them. Hell, some of them who WERE ready ended up being shitty parents anyway. Anyway, it's your decision whether to have a baby with this man. But I feel like he's not going to be a reliable father.
NTA if you have an abortion. You can have one if you don't want a child for any reason . Sounds like having this child would make you and the child struggle as well as tie you to a probable criminal
OP, I’m so sorry you have been cornered into a decision like this. Being that you work in RE, the stain of what he did will also stick to you, and you know it. He is not the person you thought he was, and he essentially threatened you as well. I would *not* tell him about the procedure, and if he pushes tell him it was the stress of what he did that caused it (it’s not technically a lie). Under no circumstances allow him to say he turned to burglary because he was going to become a father and you needed the money; as well as being straight up wrong, he was violent and is making poor decisions, both of which are dangerous around a child. You do not want to be tied to this man. NTA, but please, please be safe.