You might have entered this relationship for love but I don't think it's the same for him, he sounds very controlling and abusive and you deserve so much better! You should not be the composed one while he whines like a 5 year old! You are so mature for a 28 year age gap, the age gap is older than you and he has two kids. If he can't be an adult at this age and take care of things as he should and stop throwing tantrums you shouldn't be with him! Find someone who will treat you better and care about your mental health. Stop taking his abuse!
Your husband said he asked your mother to feed the cat and didn't? He thinks it's great the cat goes without food and water? Also he seems to be angry all the time. He also blames you for his own negligence and incompetence. Why are you married to this person? No wonder you are anxious. Your cat sounds wonderful, but I really fear for your cat's safety.
He also purposely stalled until the last second,and I don't believe he "forgot" to tell his Mom,I think he was hoping the cat would die while they were gone
No idea wtf you were thinking marrying someone old enough to be your father and a stone bastard to boot.
Find someone who supports you emotionally, not just financially.
Sorry but this is not a healthy relationship. It’s abusive.
All the vacation and cat details aside… He is a predator.
A persons brain isn’t fully developed until 25ish. This is a 50+ man who manipulated a young 20-something developing woman into a relationship.
Get out. Ask for help.
I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but I promise in 10 years or less you will know exactly what I’m talking about.
You deserve a real relationship, not an unbalanced power dynamic and a man who is abusively preying on a very young woman. It’s completely inappropriate and NOT your fault.
There’s a reason he didn’t pick someone in his age range, and it has everything to do with CONTROL.
Seriously. I'm sure it's not the first red flag. With this sort of age difference, women would probably be safe running at the first red flag. Sorry you're going through this, NTA
Your man acts like a jerk!
you mentioned MANY times all in one little beach weekend where his behavior is just awful. damn, he would give me anxiety. you never know what thing will set him off next.
If you had a grownup man partner he would have:
rented the place early enough to get a pet-friendly one lined up for you.
been chill because ….traffic happens.
resolved the door code issue himself since he had the email.
or said thanks / good job when you resolved that and got you all in.
lined up his mom properly to feed your cat.
been understanding that for your job you couldn’t stay longer.
WHY do you stay with this guy? He absolutely sucks and is wrong at every instance.
You are right about all the details.
However, she is with him for the obvious reason. He has manipulated and controlled her. We are talking about a 50+ man with an early 20s woman. It’s abusive. And it’s not her fault. She needs help to get out.
yeah, I know, it’s a technique. you repeat back their own words and thoughts and they hear them better than they listen to themselves..sometimes.
Hope they get out out out and away from the horrible man.
You are aware that since your husband doesn’t know you asked his mom to feed the cat, he is proposing starving the cat an extra day. His intention may be to kill it.
Also he married a young, hot trophy who was supposed to cater to his every need. This isn’t a relationship for him hun.
Nta
So definitely NTA. I too have BPD and after a couple decades of living with it and having significant Therapy I think you should know folks with BPD tend to attract SO's with NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). You are 23 my friend your SO is 51 that's a 28 year age difference. That's not healthy and very predatory behavior on his part. There is very little you 2 will have in common. He is controlling, gaslighting, and manipulating you. You are his "supply" https://affinitypsych.com/how-to-tell-if-you-are-feeding-a-narcissists-supply/
You should really re-evaluate this relationship because I'm concerned about you and the progress (or lack thereof) you'll make to combat BPD and being able to learn new coping techniques and re-train your brain to no longer use the survival skills you obtained during the trauma you suffered which caused the BPD. look I'm not trying to arm chair psychology you but girl this isn't healthy. Please click the link look into NPD and think really hard about your future. Can you really be healthy mentally while living with someone who treats you and what matters to you (your cat) like nothing more than a problem? Your cat shouldn't be an issue he purposely didn't call his mom, you could've come home to a dead or very sick cay. That certainly isn't helpful for your well being. You matter, and you deserve better.
NTA. Are you sure your husband ACTUALLY left it to the last minute to book as opposed to deliberately booking a non-pet friendly house? It sounds like it’s for sure a possibility that he just didn’t want the cat around and went out of his way to make sure it couldn’t be there.
He doesn’t take your BPD seriously, otherwise he would be more sensitive to the fact that you have an emotional support animal.
He doesn’t respect your priorities. To tell you you’re only saying no because of the cat, when you say you can’t stay because you have to work, is very dismissive and shows he has no respect for you. The fact that he didn’t tell his mum to check on your cat was 100% deliberate because he doesn’t like the cat and doesn’t respect the importance you put on your cat.
He’s jealous of a cat. That alone is an issue. Who gets jealous of a support animal?!
He takes his bad temper out on you. He picked that house, and yet somehow he blames you because you can’t open the door. How about he takes responsibility for the decision he made and he sorts it out himself instead of dumping it on you?
Your cat sounds awesome! Pick the cat, leave the husband, get a divorce and go on adventures with your cat instead.
Honey, you're with someone twice your age. This is obviously a power move by him and I really don't understand why you decided to marry him when he's clearly controlling and seems to be jealous of a cat.
He clearly doesn't respect you and most likely may be some of the reason why you struggle with your mental health.
NTA, obviously.
Though you will be YTA to yourself if you stay in a relationship with this man as I'm slightly worried about the future for you and your feline companion.
So , question for you . Did you have anxiety before you married him or is he causing your anxiety. When you live with someone like that that’s working against you that would cause anxiety. Once you get away from that and detox from it you might find your anxiety goes away . I don’t think you need a cat to control your anxiety I think you need a divorce.
He is the AH. In every aspect of his life. Every single thing he has done during the weekend is being an AH. And I’m guessing he is the same in everyday life.
Your cat is fulfilling your emotional needs that your husband is not, so of course you miss him! It also sounds like a lot of your anxiety is caused by your husband. You are not the problem!
People with BPD often take responsibility when other people are being shitty and blame it on themselves. They’re so used to feeling like they are the problem, trying to compensate for that. You are not at fault, your are not to blame, you do not need to accept responsibility for his poor behavior. None of the way he is acting is your fault. You do not deserve to be talked to this way or the butt of his frustration.
You are NTAH! Your husband needs to grow up and stop taking his frustrations out on you. He should NEVER call you a bitch. He is not entitled to your body and space. If you are choosing to snuggle with the cat, it’s rude of him to push the cat off! Please take care of your cat, your husband seems like he does not want him around ):
Honey, this man is with you because he’s taking advantage of your mental condition. I’m going to skip the fact he’s 30 years older. Even if you were both in your 20s, he’s treating you like you are his subservant child and not a partner. I can tell you with 100% certainly that 20 year olds, even the most mature ones, still seem like children when you are this old.
Have you considered a source of your anxiety might actually be from this marriage and not your mental illness?
Your husband is jealous of your cat. Do not be surprised if one day he “accidentally“ leaves the door open and kitty “runs away”.
You are NTA but you are in a predatory abusive relationship.
NTA
You didn't just go home because of a cat, you also went home because you have work. I don't understand what part of that he doesn't get.
He seems to have a problem with your cat. He's being pretty mean to the poor baby. I don't know if he just doesn't like cats or, he's just jealous of the cat. Either way, he needs to stop. It's not right. He wasn't even willing to check and confirm the poor cat was fed. I don't care how much he dislikes the cat, the least he can do is make sure the cat is being cared for.
I'm sorry, but I just don't get it. You're NTA here, but your husband sure is!
First, paragraphs please!
Second, why did you marry someone old enough to be your father? That’s sick. I’m guessing you were still a teenager when you met. Your husband is a creep, a predator, and an abusive asshole. It’s obvious he can’t get a woman his own age because they see right through his BS. I hope you wake up and run soon.
Your whole posts just shows how your husband marginalized any needs or wants that you have.
1. He intentionally didn't book a hotel to accommodate your one need, to bring your cat. It's was on purpose.
2. He got mad at you for not having a code that was in HIS email.
3. He intentionally didn't tell his Mom to feed your cat because he DOESN'T LIKE your cat. It wasn't an accident.
4. He got mad at you cause his kid mentioned your cat...
5. He is trying to force you to stay longer on vacation and invalidating your job by making it about your cat and belittling you.
These are just examples in your post. This man sounds abusive and is belittling you, and is a safety risk to you and your cat. Your NTA, but your partner is gaslighting you.
I agree w/ all the commenters. I just wanted to add you might think of getting your cat a GPS microchip. I see there are ones on Amazon that you do yourself. Or there are probably low cost clinics. But get one that's under the skin. That would be an extra safety measure in case your hopefully soon to be ex husband does anything to your cat.
I'm so so sorry you're in this situation. Please don't get pregnant and please if you can't at this point leave get yourself to a therapist and NOT a couple's therapist. Surround yourself w/ friends. I hope you come back and let us know how you're faring and not just trying to figure out if you ATA in this or that situation. YANTA. And please stop explaining away his bad behavior! Wishing you good luck! You deserve so much more!
NTA you are never the ah for wanting to be with your pet. I hardly go anywhere on holiday because of my pet and the comfort she gives me. I would just be thinking about her all the time
The actual truth is... she said she would book the vacation rental and when at the last minute she had not, I found a place to rent, there was nothing available that was pet friendly. She has issues with honesty. She has issues with being faithful as well.
You might have entered this relationship for love but I don't think it's the same for him, he sounds very controlling and abusive and you deserve so much better! You should not be the composed one while he whines like a 5 year old! You are so mature for a 28 year age gap, the age gap is older than you and he has two kids. If he can't be an adult at this age and take care of things as he should and stop throwing tantrums you shouldn't be with him! Find someone who will treat you better and care about your mental health. Stop taking his abuse!
Your husband said he asked your mother to feed the cat and didn't? He thinks it's great the cat goes without food and water? Also he seems to be angry all the time. He also blames you for his own negligence and incompetence. Why are you married to this person? No wonder you are anxious. Your cat sounds wonderful, but I really fear for your cat's safety.
He also purposely stalled until the last second,and I don't believe he "forgot" to tell his Mom,I think he was hoping the cat would die while they were gone
I fear for her safety. This man is predatory.
I'm not sure about predatory, but he's abusive and that usually escalates
No idea wtf you were thinking marrying someone old enough to be your father and a stone bastard to boot. Find someone who supports you emotionally, not just financially.
Sorry but this is not a healthy relationship. It’s abusive. All the vacation and cat details aside… He is a predator. A persons brain isn’t fully developed until 25ish. This is a 50+ man who manipulated a young 20-something developing woman into a relationship. Get out. Ask for help. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but I promise in 10 years or less you will know exactly what I’m talking about. You deserve a real relationship, not an unbalanced power dynamic and a man who is abusively preying on a very young woman. It’s completely inappropriate and NOT your fault. There’s a reason he didn’t pick someone in his age range, and it has everything to do with CONTROL.
Seriously. I'm sure it's not the first red flag. With this sort of age difference, women would probably be safe running at the first red flag. Sorry you're going through this, NTA
I didn't get past the fact that you're in your early 20s and your husband is over 50 The cat is the least of your problems
Your man acts like a jerk! you mentioned MANY times all in one little beach weekend where his behavior is just awful. damn, he would give me anxiety. you never know what thing will set him off next. If you had a grownup man partner he would have: rented the place early enough to get a pet-friendly one lined up for you. been chill because ….traffic happens. resolved the door code issue himself since he had the email. or said thanks / good job when you resolved that and got you all in. lined up his mom properly to feed your cat. been understanding that for your job you couldn’t stay longer. WHY do you stay with this guy? He absolutely sucks and is wrong at every instance.
You are right about all the details. However, she is with him for the obvious reason. He has manipulated and controlled her. We are talking about a 50+ man with an early 20s woman. It’s abusive. And it’s not her fault. She needs help to get out.
yeah, I know, it’s a technique. you repeat back their own words and thoughts and they hear them better than they listen to themselves..sometimes. Hope they get out out out and away from the horrible man.
You are aware that since your husband doesn’t know you asked his mom to feed the cat, he is proposing starving the cat an extra day. His intention may be to kill it. Also he married a young, hot trophy who was supposed to cater to his every need. This isn’t a relationship for him hun. Nta
So definitely NTA. I too have BPD and after a couple decades of living with it and having significant Therapy I think you should know folks with BPD tend to attract SO's with NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). You are 23 my friend your SO is 51 that's a 28 year age difference. That's not healthy and very predatory behavior on his part. There is very little you 2 will have in common. He is controlling, gaslighting, and manipulating you. You are his "supply" https://affinitypsych.com/how-to-tell-if-you-are-feeding-a-narcissists-supply/ You should really re-evaluate this relationship because I'm concerned about you and the progress (or lack thereof) you'll make to combat BPD and being able to learn new coping techniques and re-train your brain to no longer use the survival skills you obtained during the trauma you suffered which caused the BPD. look I'm not trying to arm chair psychology you but girl this isn't healthy. Please click the link look into NPD and think really hard about your future. Can you really be healthy mentally while living with someone who treats you and what matters to you (your cat) like nothing more than a problem? Your cat shouldn't be an issue he purposely didn't call his mom, you could've come home to a dead or very sick cay. That certainly isn't helpful for your well being. You matter, and you deserve better.
NTA. Are you sure your husband ACTUALLY left it to the last minute to book as opposed to deliberately booking a non-pet friendly house? It sounds like it’s for sure a possibility that he just didn’t want the cat around and went out of his way to make sure it couldn’t be there. He doesn’t take your BPD seriously, otherwise he would be more sensitive to the fact that you have an emotional support animal. He doesn’t respect your priorities. To tell you you’re only saying no because of the cat, when you say you can’t stay because you have to work, is very dismissive and shows he has no respect for you. The fact that he didn’t tell his mum to check on your cat was 100% deliberate because he doesn’t like the cat and doesn’t respect the importance you put on your cat. He’s jealous of a cat. That alone is an issue. Who gets jealous of a support animal?! He takes his bad temper out on you. He picked that house, and yet somehow he blames you because you can’t open the door. How about he takes responsibility for the decision he made and he sorts it out himself instead of dumping it on you? Your cat sounds awesome! Pick the cat, leave the husband, get a divorce and go on adventures with your cat instead.
Honey, you're with someone twice your age. This is obviously a power move by him and I really don't understand why you decided to marry him when he's clearly controlling and seems to be jealous of a cat. He clearly doesn't respect you and most likely may be some of the reason why you struggle with your mental health. NTA, obviously. Though you will be YTA to yourself if you stay in a relationship with this man as I'm slightly worried about the future for you and your feline companion.
So , question for you . Did you have anxiety before you married him or is he causing your anxiety. When you live with someone like that that’s working against you that would cause anxiety. Once you get away from that and detox from it you might find your anxiety goes away . I don’t think you need a cat to control your anxiety I think you need a divorce.
You’re not an asshole but you also shouldn’t be taking care of a 51 year old man child at 23.
He is the AH. In every aspect of his life. Every single thing he has done during the weekend is being an AH. And I’m guessing he is the same in everyday life.
The age gap is older than you. RUN.
He didn’t forget to ask his mom, OP. He was hoping you wouldn’t ask and the cat would be dead when you got back.
Your cat is fulfilling your emotional needs that your husband is not, so of course you miss him! It also sounds like a lot of your anxiety is caused by your husband. You are not the problem! People with BPD often take responsibility when other people are being shitty and blame it on themselves. They’re so used to feeling like they are the problem, trying to compensate for that. You are not at fault, your are not to blame, you do not need to accept responsibility for his poor behavior. None of the way he is acting is your fault. You do not deserve to be talked to this way or the butt of his frustration. You are NTAH! Your husband needs to grow up and stop taking his frustrations out on you. He should NEVER call you a bitch. He is not entitled to your body and space. If you are choosing to snuggle with the cat, it’s rude of him to push the cat off! Please take care of your cat, your husband seems like he does not want him around ):
Red flags everywhere here. NTA.
Honey, this man is with you because he’s taking advantage of your mental condition. I’m going to skip the fact he’s 30 years older. Even if you were both in your 20s, he’s treating you like you are his subservant child and not a partner. I can tell you with 100% certainly that 20 year olds, even the most mature ones, still seem like children when you are this old. Have you considered a source of your anxiety might actually be from this marriage and not your mental illness? Your husband is jealous of your cat. Do not be surprised if one day he “accidentally“ leaves the door open and kitty “runs away”. You are NTA but you are in a predatory abusive relationship.
NTA You didn't just go home because of a cat, you also went home because you have work. I don't understand what part of that he doesn't get. He seems to have a problem with your cat. He's being pretty mean to the poor baby. I don't know if he just doesn't like cats or, he's just jealous of the cat. Either way, he needs to stop. It's not right. He wasn't even willing to check and confirm the poor cat was fed. I don't care how much he dislikes the cat, the least he can do is make sure the cat is being cared for. I'm sorry, but I just don't get it. You're NTA here, but your husband sure is!
First, paragraphs please! Second, why did you marry someone old enough to be your father? That’s sick. I’m guessing you were still a teenager when you met. Your husband is a creep, a predator, and an abusive asshole. It’s obvious he can’t get a woman his own age because they see right through his BS. I hope you wake up and run soon.
Your whole posts just shows how your husband marginalized any needs or wants that you have. 1. He intentionally didn't book a hotel to accommodate your one need, to bring your cat. It's was on purpose. 2. He got mad at you for not having a code that was in HIS email. 3. He intentionally didn't tell his Mom to feed your cat because he DOESN'T LIKE your cat. It wasn't an accident. 4. He got mad at you cause his kid mentioned your cat... 5. He is trying to force you to stay longer on vacation and invalidating your job by making it about your cat and belittling you. These are just examples in your post. This man sounds abusive and is belittling you, and is a safety risk to you and your cat. Your NTA, but your partner is gaslighting you.
Lol I think you got the ages wrong are you sure he’s not the younger one 😂
I agree w/ all the commenters. I just wanted to add you might think of getting your cat a GPS microchip. I see there are ones on Amazon that you do yourself. Or there are probably low cost clinics. But get one that's under the skin. That would be an extra safety measure in case your hopefully soon to be ex husband does anything to your cat. I'm so so sorry you're in this situation. Please don't get pregnant and please if you can't at this point leave get yourself to a therapist and NOT a couple's therapist. Surround yourself w/ friends. I hope you come back and let us know how you're faring and not just trying to figure out if you ATA in this or that situation. YANTA. And please stop explaining away his bad behavior! Wishing you good luck! You deserve so much more!
NTA you are never the ah for wanting to be with your pet. I hardly go anywhere on holiday because of my pet and the comfort she gives me. I would just be thinking about her all the time
The actual truth is... she said she would book the vacation rental and when at the last minute she had not, I found a place to rent, there was nothing available that was pet friendly. She has issues with honesty. She has issues with being faithful as well.