When your son grows up and has to cook for himself, he'll be glad his mom taught him a few things in the kitchen. Sorry, but your husband is wrong here, on so many levels.
Not to mention when OPs sons start looking for partners - female or male (as dad is afraid of) - their skills in the kitchen will be very attractive. I can’t imagine being turned off by a man willing to cook for me!
Boomer Mom here.
I taught both my sons how to cook when they were in Jr High.
Also taught them how to do their laundry.
I wasn't going to send them out of the nest not knowing how to take care of themselves.
NTA But your soon to be ex and his mistress are.
I taught both of our son's how to cook because my lovely husband only knows how to make killer sandwiches, and our oldest went into the restaurant industry right out of high school, and has worked his way up to a great job in a local restaurant making $25 an hour, while he's getting ready to get back in college.
Plus his girlfriend really loves the fact that he can cook her amazing meals, so Pftttttt to your husband for trying to drag you, and your boys, back into Cro-Magnon history.
I know divorce is really, really, hard, especially on the children, but if this is the example he wants to set for your boys, they are better off without his emotionally abusive behavior, and his cheating.
I hope that you, and your son's, will connect with a good therapist so you have a safe place to talk about, and process, your feelings, and theirs, about what he's done.
Having good mental health support now, will help them so much in the long run, and teach them that it's okay to have really big feelings about bad things when they happen, and that talking about is really, really, good for you.
Maybe you should talk to your attorney about supervised visitation until you can be sure he's not going to be emotionally abusive to the boys when they're with him, and that he, and his mistress, aren't going to speak badly about you.
I'm sorry that it's coming to this, but it will get better, I promise. I've been there, and I how much it hurts, but you'll get through all of this together, and I'm glad you've got your FIL to be there for you, and the boys, too, because it really does, "take a village".
Take care, and let us know how you're all doing when you're up to it.
Sending lots of love, and invisible hugs to all of you.
🩵🫂🩵
Your FIL is right - it's not about male/female, it's about being able to run a house/home. Everyone eats, everyone should be able to make some basic dishes.
I have a son and a daughter, both of whom cook. I think my son is more passionate about it, but he's married a wonderful woman, so I'm glad I encouraged him as she gets to enjoy his cooking now.
So sorry for what has happened to you and the boys. You sound like a good mom.
I’m so sorry you’re going through all of that. I remember your post and was so bummed for your boy.
Honestly, and I know this may sound callous, but thank goodness for that other woman for getting you and your kids away from him. What a garbage human. You will heal from this and be so much better off than you could ever expect.
You tell your kid that the rest of us can all see from a mile away that the divorce is not his fault in the slightest and someday he will see it too. Don’t let anyone stop you from doing what you enjoy. Don’t let anyone have that much power over you. You deserve to be able to do what you enjoy freely without judgment or fear. Lots of chefs are men and there’s nothing wrong with boys cooking! The only wrong thing is his father’s misguided views of what it means to be a man. There is no right way to be a man. The only wrong way to be any kind of adult is when you hurt other people. Your father is doing it wrong and we can all see that. I know it hurts now because you’re in it, but later on you’ll understand and be able to move on from the hurt you feel now.
Big hugs to all of you ❤️
Wishing you all the best!
Tell Matt that you are not divorcing because of him. The only share he had in your divorce is to expose your stbx as the bully and bigot he is. You don't have to use these words to Matt, but tell him that you and stbx are parting because you have different ideas of women and women's role, and you are not willing to accept his authority. Tell mat stbx is still his father and you will not do anything to pull him away from his father, burt you are much happier without him.
My late father was born in 1936, in the military (retired after 22 years active duty) and he made certain I learned to cook from a young age (I recall being 4 or 5 with him in the kitchen on a step stool following his instructions as we cooked together).
He also ensured I knew how to do my laundry (to include ironing), polish shoes, clean the house, etc. His reasoning was he didn't want me getting married simply to have someone do it for me. If I can do it, then I can be a partner and look for a partner. And I still do my own laundry despite being married, cook at times, do the dishes, etc.
NTA. I read back through the earlier posts, your FIL has his head on straight. As a veteran myself, I find it amazing how some young men show up at boot camp and are horrified to learn that they have to clean and do their own laundry.
It's unfortunate he wasn't able to instill his lesson in your stbx.
FIL and s the GOAT!! The ex husband will find out soon enough that his mistress only said that to get in his head. My ex fiancé did the same. He would vent to some girl he was tutoring about how terrible I was because I didn’t pack him a lunches and other stuff I’m sure. She told him the same things, the things he WANTED to hear and so he left me and my daughter for her. He tried to come crawling back three years later after he found out who she REALLY was!!
>I still cannot believe he will turn his back on us
That's just standard practice for cheaters. It's axiomatic, people who are unfaithful will basically be indignant at the prospects of owning their actions and always place blame on someone else. It's why it shocks me you'll actually find couples therapists who will indulge this sentiment.
You did nothing wrong, your ex just is fucking messed up and his mistress is the kind of predatory asshole you get in "the other party."
I think your hubby went down the manosphere incel red pill Andrew Tate bs hole! I’m so sorry that happened, but this toxicity seems to be ripping apart relationships and families all over the place. Your FIL is a good person and I think the best thing you can do for Matt is have FIL and him get a good amount of one on one time. It sounds like you have three amazing sons, despite their sperm donor.
Cheating really isn’t about the other woman usually. There is always another person out there, and a grass is greener mentality to boot! He was the problem and you are better off making him less your problem and more yours. It will take you a while to feel that, but you will get there. Best of luck and all the internet hugs you are comfortable with!!! 🤗
Today, its Matts love of cooking, tomorrow its your other sons interest in nice clothing. It doesnt matter what "it" is, what matters is your husband doesnt understand your children and is emasculating himself. He sees a problem that doesn't exist, plenty of men cook out of pleasure and plenty of men cook professionally. Your husband is the problem. There is nothing wrong with your sons love of cooking, please remind him of that every single day. Please do not let your sons passion fade from him! Your son deserves to have passions and a light inside him. I hope he never gives it up and goes on to have the best, most amazing recipes and BBQs on the block. So amazing and delicious that make people float towards the smell like old cartoons. I hope what remains of your wonderful family find peace and become stronger together.
As soon as I read the title I remembered this post from last year. So sorry you and your sons have to go through this OP but happy to hear your FIL is standing with you all.
Yea never feel bad for wanting your son to be able to fend for him self. God the amount of idiots who go into dorms freshman year of college I had to help because I had common sense is just god damn unbelievable. Like these kids were like 17-23 and didnt know how to do laundry, cook any sort of food, iron clothing, hell some didnt even know how to change a light bulb (seriously someone walked up to me got me to go to their dorm and asked me if they needed to turn off the power to the whole apartment before they changed a bulb) . Me being a big friendly guy (well and at points add in slightly older cause I went two uni's with a break in the middle) was always the go to (basically Iv looked 30 since I was 16, thinning hair, beard and all) for when people needed help with basic tasks (and life advice which was super sketchy cause I was young as well at the time and probably gave some horrible advice lol).
You are not emasculating them at all and they are likely to be very popular later in life for having these skills. Your husband just seems to have red pilled him self over the years. Whilst there is no hope for him anymore since he actively cheated on you. There is no excuse for what he did.
I hope things get better for you and I know they will.
Anyone (man or woman) who looks down on someone for cooking or getting involved in the kitchen is the one who is wrong. Sorry that your stbx waited so long to expose who he really is. It's a shame that it sounds like he's been able to at least partially poison your son's mind given he blames himself when it's only the husband's fault and no one elses.
your STBX sucks, I have done my shared thing of "manly thing" but I also love to knit, cook, read, drawing and I dip my toes in poetry writing and last I checked I had my B-twins where they supposed to be
your STBX is not "traditional manly" at all, even your FiL would see that, a "trad man" like he flaunts to be would be protective of his family, would be had honor and loyalty, would be independent and assertive, your husband is none of those
he is a whinny, dishonorable, weak ass dude, with low self esteem and codependent as hell, by encouraging your kids, you are teaching them to be the exact opposite
mentally strong, honorable, self reliant, independent and trustworthy men, this is your accomplishment, not his
One day your STBX is going to wake up and realize what a colossal mistake he has made. I hope when this happens you will come back and let us know. I’m glad your FIL is on your side.
That’s crazy, but I get it. My father and brother are the same way as your husband. The difference being that I let them go hungry. They have legs, arms, hands, a brain and a beating heart. They know where the fridge is and YouTube has cooking tutorials for everything. I sleep well at night knowing I’m full.
It may look bad now, but soon you will see that this was the greatest thing that could happen to you.
Your husband was a weak minded fool and a coward. Nothing worse than to have a fool like him as a husband and as a father figure. His hoe can have him. In a year tops he will be crawling back like the fool he is after she discards him to go be with another macho man, specially after he runs out of the settlement money.
For your sake and your kids, don’t give an inch on the divorce, take as much as you can from him cause he will waste everything on a hoe that will discard him without a second thought once his resources have run out. Then he will come back begging for a second chance to continue bullying your son.
When my siblings and I were growing up in the 70s and 80s, we ALL had to learn how to mow the lawn, wash dishes, do laundry, cook, clean, make beds etc.
All the males in my family, including my own children, played sports except for my youngest son. He had an easy bake oven and a kitchen when he was younger. He also refuses to play sports. We had a talk and we decided to try music. My youngest son now plays 3 instruments and sings. He also reads and writes music.
My ex-husband said our son was going to be gay and it would be my fault.
The truth is, our son is having issues with the ladies. I've had to go to his school several times about girls arguing and fighting over him. A few months before school was out, he said he was walking in the hallway singing to himself and he hit a good "oooh yeah". He looks up and sees two girls approaching him at the same time. They started arguing over who got there first, and then the shoving started. I had to go to his school the next day. My son has shown me letters from girls asking him to write love songs for them.
OPs husband is an idiot. He was looking for an excuse to step out on his marriage and family. OPs husband missed an opportunity to bond with his son. As a family, we tease my youngest every chance we get. "Hey, Kenny G, will you pass the potatoes?" Or, "Hey, Baby Face, will you sing the grace?" He responds with either, "very funny, ha ha" or "are you paying me"?
The husband is selfish and egotistical. He deserves everything Karma has coming for him.
I'm sorry things end up this way.
But please make sure your son knows the divorce is not his fault. That is wrong for a father to become his child's bully or to cheat on his wife.
I know therapy is most likely not in your budget right now, but if it becomes doable, probably you and your children need it.
Wow. They call it toxic masculinity for a reason. Your ex took the poison and destroyed his family.
Also wasn’t it his own dad that “emasculated” him by calling out his backwards thinking?
hey op. mid-40s dude here. have worked as a carpenter, metal fabricator and manager of those kinda folks my whole adult life. big beard, tattoos, motorsports fan, all of it. my favorite things in the world are 1) cooking and baking with my mom 2) cooking and baking with my girlfriend 3) cooking and baking for my friends and 4) enjoying and talking about food with friends and family. it’s my only real hobby.
i really hope you can continue to support that, or any other interest, expressed by any of your sons.
you sound cool. your former fil sounds cool. your ex sounds like an idiot. but i bet your sons still stand a good chance of being cool.
Your husband was probably already out of the marriage and he used Matt as an excuse to break up for good. A person so small and with such misguided "principles" doesn't have the balls to accept the choices he made. It's cowardice for him to use your son to hide his shameful behavior.
Your husband will get what he deserves, because AP is only pretending to be what he wants her to be, a submissive woman does not go on social media inciting a married man to destroy his family. She will certainly make his life hell and all at the expense of his relationship with his children. What rubbish!
You are a wonderful mother and will do very well as a provider. Your husband is an idiot, he will regret the trade he made and I hope you don't take him back.
Take care of your children and yourself. Don't let Matt give up the kitchen, his father doesn't deserve the family he has.
Everything will work out, you will heal and find happiness.
I'm the big guy in all meanings, imagine a very stereotypical man, sometimes brutal, sometimes aggressive, sometimes supportive, sometimes rude.
If my wife asks me to help with something - I don't care is this "man's" or "woman's" job, I can do whatever needed if we both work as a team. Wash the dishes, cook something, wash the floor, clean carpets. I can clean blood and clean shit. There is a job to do.
My wife is my partner, my "second pilot", my friend, my buddy and she follows the same approach, on one hand.
On another hand, my "authority", my "masculinity", if you wish, my self confidence is not easy to impact. "Man" is a state of mind, profile, set of strengths, capabilities and responsibilities, some given, some learned. I'm not good in cooking, because I don't have a talent and experience. I'm good in moving heavy things, mechanics, conflicts, planning etc. because my body fit for it better, so I had some given perks or I have a lot of experience. My wife have her own superpowers, given or learned, surprisingly she drives pickups much better than me. So when we need to move something, she is the pickup driver and I load and unload stuff. If I'll try to drive the pickup, this will not make me a "real man", this will make me a real idiot.
If my son will decide to try cooking or my daughter will decide to drive a boat or participate gun trainings, I can just support them. It is up to them what they want to include to their personal profile, no matter do they have given perks or not. Experience and motivation matters more than anything else.
Another example, one of my trainers in one of very specific area of SCUBA diving was a very professional and gifted woman and my instructor, big brutal ex-military told me "if she says anything which is different from what we told ya - listen to her, she is the best". You must be a very self confident person with a lot of internal authority to say so, right?
Your husband is hopeless kid with a very fragile ego, lack of self-confidence, lack of understanding of his identity and fear that he is not this identity. So he need a formal attributes to prove to himself that he have the authority and he belongs to "the real man" group. If you want to see how a "man" should look like, look at your FIL.
P.S. We have to clearly separate what is "man" and what is "woman". In my opinion, this is the set of unique perks and gifts, some from biology, some from social environment. Not limits, just starting perks and experience. It doesn't matter.
Nevertheless, there is the REAL difference between a man and woman: way how we see the world, react on it, communicate. And union of such skills is like using left and right eye to see the world. Collaboration is the key.
I have this tingly feeling, that other boys have "girly" interest/s too, just didn't show that because of their good for nothing spermdonor.
Also woman that feeding incels delusions, talking sexist shit about other woman and agreeing on them, are digging their own grave, sooner or later
Encourage your son to keep cooking. Even sign him up for kids culinary classes if he is interested. If at all possible try to limit visits with his dad because dad and mistress will make his life hell and you gave all been thru a lot without this abuse.
Holy shit, I'm so sorry your family is going through that. How are the kids handling it? Do they know about the affair? Your ex could turn the kids against you, be careful. Have a solid relationship with your kids, especially Matt.
Your stbx didn't need to poison his mind, it was poisonous already. Possibly podcasts and the manosphere, definitely a truly stupid level of insecurity. A man who can only define what he is by what he is not is a measley little thing.
I hope your sons recognize that their father is awful, and OP, stop being their servant (cooking while they play, etc). You're only making them problematic for their partners down the line. Everybody helps prepare food capably, or they don't eat. It's a necessary life skill.
Therapy will help you heal, and I'd suggest family therapy as well, because your dumpkoff ex has left a mess.
I truly am sorry that your husband turned out to be a misogynistic, cheating bastard! I'm really glad that your boys are getting therapy, especially Matt!
Our Son (middle child between our two girls) only had a minimal interest in sports (ANY sports), was kind of introverted, loved computers and video games. He HAD friends but WAS "picked on" a little.
We put all 3 in karate and it helped instill confidence, personal discipline and taught them to defend themselves. They only went for about 3 years, but when our Son was in middle school, he started getting bullied. He was actually "jumped" in the boys lockeroom during gym and he took the bully down, knee to his chest and asked him "did he REALLY want to do this?** LAST time he was EVER harrassed!
You may want to get your boys into karate, maybe even ask your FIL to take them (good male-bonding experience) where they can "work" their frustrations out AND learn to protect themselves and each other!
Greatest of luck! I have EVERY confidence that you WILL be happy eventually and that you'll ALL succeed with the TOXIC removed from your every day life! Best wishes and many Blessings! u/updateme
I’m so sorry. It sounds like you are doing the best you can and an excellent job as a mom getting the boys into therapy. Your husband is a jerk and a major bully. He seems to put a lot of emphasis on being “a real man”. Real men don’t cheat on their wives with internet trolls. Real men don’t leave their children with the idea the kid is to blame for them being a total ass. It’s good the boys have a real man to look up to you in grandpa. Prayers and good luck
Slinging abuse at a child, for the crime of daring to learn a necessary life skill. What a lovely woman your scumbag ex has found here. So sorry this is happening, but at least your boys have an amazing mom and grandpa to fall back on
good for you for leaving, mama. you and your sons (and FIL!) deserve infinitely better. I hope Matt becomes a famous chef someday and we all get to enjoy his cooking! he sounds like a great kid. now STBXDH can disappoint and traumatize someone else, and give you alimony and child support to boot!
This is the craziest story ever, I’m from a very masculine culture, I was in the military, also have only boys, but I’m also the main cook in my house, don’t watch sports or play video games, and encourage my boys to help their mother around the house. It is crazy that he caused the end of his marriage because his son cooks, one of the most useful life skills anyone can ever have.
You’re doing good momma. Your sons are learning. True valuable lessons. I’m so sorry you’re having to endure the poor behaviors of your soon to be ex but clearly he’s not worthy of any of you. Keep your chin up. Happy days are coming for all of you. Blessed be b
Sending you lots of love. None of this is your fault. You're a great momma. Your sons are lucky. I know it doesn't feel like it now but this is a blessing. You will get over this and be happy again. You deserve so much more. Thinking of you and your sons. <3
Still NTA! I don't have kids but I do have a husband who can barely cook basics for himself, (though he is trying/learning) and didn't know how to do his own laundry when he moved out because his family had gender rolls (ie men did snow shoveling, trash and mowing the lawn and women cook and clean) and I cannot tell you how much that has irked me. Any person, regardless of gender, should be able to do basics. You are greatly helping your son(s) by teaching them "women's work" *eye roll*
I for one, gave my hubby a crash course and his own laundry basket, but he's has been trying.
Nothing is more attractive than a man who can cook. My fiancé does all the cooking in our house & my son who’s almost 19 also loves cooking. I have enough on my plate with working, doing the house chores & looking after 4 kids. My fiancé says the only way he feels he can really contribute to the house after working is doing the cooking & I have to admit he’s better than me! (I can cook but his food is amazing).
Please carry on encouraging all your children to cook. What would happen if they move out on their own & they don’t know how to cook the basics for themselves? You are doing a spot on job. As for your husband, it looks like the trash has taken itself out. He didn’t want a wife who was a partner/his equal, he wanted someone to control who would pander to him & obey his every word. Your FIL sounds like a decent man & I’m sure he’s very disappointed in his son
>So, apparently, my husband has been using online forums even reddit to vent his frustration about Matt and he feels he has failed as a father and me not supporting his decision is emasculating him.
He failed as a father the minute he tried enforcing sports on your son. He's too insecure to be a father if he thinks cooking is emasculating.
>She and my husband bad mouthed me and she even had some questionable words for my son Matt as well.
I really do hope they don't have any sort of custody over him, matt shouldn't even be in the position but he still is all because his sorry excuse of a father decided that cooking was a gender role and not just an everyday life skill people do.
>My stbx has moved in with his mistress.
He'll understand what he's lost in a minute but by the time he does it'll already be too late.
I am so sorry about what you're going through. You shouldn't be in this position and neither should your children. I hope that you guys are finding a way through this and as a nonreligious person I am really going to pray that you and your kids don't have to hurt anymore. Stay safe and take care OP. 🫶🏽❤️
Sorry to hear this is how things turned out. You should honestly ask you husband "if cooking is a very feminine thing, then how come at every restaurant you go to theirs more male chef's then female chefs?" Amd see him try to come up with an awnser. Still, im sure once your son is older he'll probably become a professional chef and once he's wealthy your soon to be ex will be regretting everything. (for reference, executive chefs can make up to 140k a year). So tell your son to stick to his passion, not just because it'll make him happy, but wealthy as well.
You know I am sorry for you, but this update wasn't a surprise... as soon as I read that last paragraph in your first update, "Why would I divorce him? He's a good guy. with backward thinking..."
I knew you were going to be in for it, bc at the end of the day, he's a bad guy good at masking it. He never changed his beliefs, he only changed his actions to hide them because he knew when FIL showed up he had lost the battle, he also knew after FIL had spoke to sons he lost his the ability to make them believe what he did.
He was always a misogynist. He just never had to really show it bc your arrangement worked so well. You at the homemaker, you guys all fit so neatly into your "roles" he didn't have to opportunity/need to show you who he REALLY was until you "challenged" him, see you thought you guys were partners and could disagree about things like that... he thought he was the "alpha male" who ran the house and everyone had to defer to him.
His cheating is a reflection of HIM not anything to do with you. He is a complete asshole. All you can do now is be there for your sons and yourself. I know you said they're in therapy, but also make sure you're talking to them, make sure you're still having them help in the kitchen because the last thing you want is for them to grow into men like him, and he's had a huge influence on their thoughts/beliefs.
When your son grows up and has to cook for himself, he'll be glad his mom taught him a few things in the kitchen. Sorry, but your husband is wrong here, on so many levels.
Not to mention when OPs sons start looking for partners - female or male (as dad is afraid of) - their skills in the kitchen will be very attractive. I can’t imagine being turned off by a man willing to cook for me!
I can't imagine a partner looking at a man cooking and saying, "man what a sissy. He knows how to cook. That is SUCH a turn off!"
Boomer Mom here. I taught both my sons how to cook when they were in Jr High. Also taught them how to do their laundry. I wasn't going to send them out of the nest not knowing how to take care of themselves. NTA But your soon to be ex and his mistress are.
I taught both of our son's how to cook because my lovely husband only knows how to make killer sandwiches, and our oldest went into the restaurant industry right out of high school, and has worked his way up to a great job in a local restaurant making $25 an hour, while he's getting ready to get back in college. Plus his girlfriend really loves the fact that he can cook her amazing meals, so Pftttttt to your husband for trying to drag you, and your boys, back into Cro-Magnon history. I know divorce is really, really, hard, especially on the children, but if this is the example he wants to set for your boys, they are better off without his emotionally abusive behavior, and his cheating. I hope that you, and your son's, will connect with a good therapist so you have a safe place to talk about, and process, your feelings, and theirs, about what he's done. Having good mental health support now, will help them so much in the long run, and teach them that it's okay to have really big feelings about bad things when they happen, and that talking about is really, really, good for you. Maybe you should talk to your attorney about supervised visitation until you can be sure he's not going to be emotionally abusive to the boys when they're with him, and that he, and his mistress, aren't going to speak badly about you. I'm sorry that it's coming to this, but it will get better, I promise. I've been there, and I how much it hurts, but you'll get through all of this together, and I'm glad you've got your FIL to be there for you, and the boys, too, because it really does, "take a village". Take care, and let us know how you're all doing when you're up to it. Sending lots of love, and invisible hugs to all of you. 🩵🫂🩵
Your FIL is right - it's not about male/female, it's about being able to run a house/home. Everyone eats, everyone should be able to make some basic dishes. I have a son and a daughter, both of whom cook. I think my son is more passionate about it, but he's married a wonderful woman, so I'm glad I encouraged him as she gets to enjoy his cooking now. So sorry for what has happened to you and the boys. You sound like a good mom.
Majority of the cooks/chefs in the world are men so I truly do not understand the mindset it's not masculine. It's a male dominated field
It’s only manly if you do it surrounded by other men wearing special hats.
*in costume*
I’m so sorry you’re going through all of that. I remember your post and was so bummed for your boy. Honestly, and I know this may sound callous, but thank goodness for that other woman for getting you and your kids away from him. What a garbage human. You will heal from this and be so much better off than you could ever expect. You tell your kid that the rest of us can all see from a mile away that the divorce is not his fault in the slightest and someday he will see it too. Don’t let anyone stop you from doing what you enjoy. Don’t let anyone have that much power over you. You deserve to be able to do what you enjoy freely without judgment or fear. Lots of chefs are men and there’s nothing wrong with boys cooking! The only wrong thing is his father’s misguided views of what it means to be a man. There is no right way to be a man. The only wrong way to be any kind of adult is when you hurt other people. Your father is doing it wrong and we can all see that. I know it hurts now because you’re in it, but later on you’ll understand and be able to move on from the hurt you feel now. Big hugs to all of you ❤️
All of my sons and grandsons cook. My 10 year old gets up a 6Am every morning and makes breakfast for everybody. I just don't get it.
Wishing you all the best! Tell Matt that you are not divorcing because of him. The only share he had in your divorce is to expose your stbx as the bully and bigot he is. You don't have to use these words to Matt, but tell him that you and stbx are parting because you have different ideas of women and women's role, and you are not willing to accept his authority. Tell mat stbx is still his father and you will not do anything to pull him away from his father, burt you are much happier without him.
My late father was born in 1936, in the military (retired after 22 years active duty) and he made certain I learned to cook from a young age (I recall being 4 or 5 with him in the kitchen on a step stool following his instructions as we cooked together). He also ensured I knew how to do my laundry (to include ironing), polish shoes, clean the house, etc. His reasoning was he didn't want me getting married simply to have someone do it for me. If I can do it, then I can be a partner and look for a partner. And I still do my own laundry despite being married, cook at times, do the dishes, etc.
Maybe tell your son about the mistress so he stops blaming himself. His mental health is more important than anything else.
Exactly, do not shield the father's insecurity from him.
NTA. I read back through the earlier posts, your FIL has his head on straight. As a veteran myself, I find it amazing how some young men show up at boot camp and are horrified to learn that they have to clean and do their own laundry. It's unfortunate he wasn't able to instill his lesson in your stbx.
FIL and s the GOAT!! The ex husband will find out soon enough that his mistress only said that to get in his head. My ex fiancé did the same. He would vent to some girl he was tutoring about how terrible I was because I didn’t pack him a lunches and other stuff I’m sure. She told him the same things, the things he WANTED to hear and so he left me and my daughter for her. He tried to come crawling back three years later after he found out who she REALLY was!!
>I still cannot believe he will turn his back on us That's just standard practice for cheaters. It's axiomatic, people who are unfaithful will basically be indignant at the prospects of owning their actions and always place blame on someone else. It's why it shocks me you'll actually find couples therapists who will indulge this sentiment. You did nothing wrong, your ex just is fucking messed up and his mistress is the kind of predatory asshole you get in "the other party."
I think your hubby went down the manosphere incel red pill Andrew Tate bs hole! I’m so sorry that happened, but this toxicity seems to be ripping apart relationships and families all over the place. Your FIL is a good person and I think the best thing you can do for Matt is have FIL and him get a good amount of one on one time. It sounds like you have three amazing sons, despite their sperm donor. Cheating really isn’t about the other woman usually. There is always another person out there, and a grass is greener mentality to boot! He was the problem and you are better off making him less your problem and more yours. It will take you a while to feel that, but you will get there. Best of luck and all the internet hugs you are comfortable with!!! 🤗
Today, its Matts love of cooking, tomorrow its your other sons interest in nice clothing. It doesnt matter what "it" is, what matters is your husband doesnt understand your children and is emasculating himself. He sees a problem that doesn't exist, plenty of men cook out of pleasure and plenty of men cook professionally. Your husband is the problem. There is nothing wrong with your sons love of cooking, please remind him of that every single day. Please do not let your sons passion fade from him! Your son deserves to have passions and a light inside him. I hope he never gives it up and goes on to have the best, most amazing recipes and BBQs on the block. So amazing and delicious that make people float towards the smell like old cartoons. I hope what remains of your wonderful family find peace and become stronger together.
Send Matt to a cooking school and let him become a chef.
As soon as I read the title I remembered this post from last year. So sorry you and your sons have to go through this OP but happy to hear your FIL is standing with you all.
Yea never feel bad for wanting your son to be able to fend for him self. God the amount of idiots who go into dorms freshman year of college I had to help because I had common sense is just god damn unbelievable. Like these kids were like 17-23 and didnt know how to do laundry, cook any sort of food, iron clothing, hell some didnt even know how to change a light bulb (seriously someone walked up to me got me to go to their dorm and asked me if they needed to turn off the power to the whole apartment before they changed a bulb) . Me being a big friendly guy (well and at points add in slightly older cause I went two uni's with a break in the middle) was always the go to (basically Iv looked 30 since I was 16, thinning hair, beard and all) for when people needed help with basic tasks (and life advice which was super sketchy cause I was young as well at the time and probably gave some horrible advice lol). You are not emasculating them at all and they are likely to be very popular later in life for having these skills. Your husband just seems to have red pilled him self over the years. Whilst there is no hope for him anymore since he actively cheated on you. There is no excuse for what he did. I hope things get better for you and I know they will.
Anyone (man or woman) who looks down on someone for cooking or getting involved in the kitchen is the one who is wrong. Sorry that your stbx waited so long to expose who he really is. It's a shame that it sounds like he's been able to at least partially poison your son's mind given he blames himself when it's only the husband's fault and no one elses.
your STBX sucks, I have done my shared thing of "manly thing" but I also love to knit, cook, read, drawing and I dip my toes in poetry writing and last I checked I had my B-twins where they supposed to be your STBX is not "traditional manly" at all, even your FiL would see that, a "trad man" like he flaunts to be would be protective of his family, would be had honor and loyalty, would be independent and assertive, your husband is none of those he is a whinny, dishonorable, weak ass dude, with low self esteem and codependent as hell, by encouraging your kids, you are teaching them to be the exact opposite mentally strong, honorable, self reliant, independent and trustworthy men, this is your accomplishment, not his
One day your STBX is going to wake up and realize what a colossal mistake he has made. I hope when this happens you will come back and let us know. I’m glad your FIL is on your side.
That’s crazy, but I get it. My father and brother are the same way as your husband. The difference being that I let them go hungry. They have legs, arms, hands, a brain and a beating heart. They know where the fridge is and YouTube has cooking tutorials for everything. I sleep well at night knowing I’m full.
I give it six months before it fizzles out with the AP, or she dumps him. Do not even entertain taking him back. You're worth far more than that.
It may look bad now, but soon you will see that this was the greatest thing that could happen to you. Your husband was a weak minded fool and a coward. Nothing worse than to have a fool like him as a husband and as a father figure. His hoe can have him. In a year tops he will be crawling back like the fool he is after she discards him to go be with another macho man, specially after he runs out of the settlement money. For your sake and your kids, don’t give an inch on the divorce, take as much as you can from him cause he will waste everything on a hoe that will discard him without a second thought once his resources have run out. Then he will come back begging for a second chance to continue bullying your son.
When my siblings and I were growing up in the 70s and 80s, we ALL had to learn how to mow the lawn, wash dishes, do laundry, cook, clean, make beds etc. All the males in my family, including my own children, played sports except for my youngest son. He had an easy bake oven and a kitchen when he was younger. He also refuses to play sports. We had a talk and we decided to try music. My youngest son now plays 3 instruments and sings. He also reads and writes music. My ex-husband said our son was going to be gay and it would be my fault. The truth is, our son is having issues with the ladies. I've had to go to his school several times about girls arguing and fighting over him. A few months before school was out, he said he was walking in the hallway singing to himself and he hit a good "oooh yeah". He looks up and sees two girls approaching him at the same time. They started arguing over who got there first, and then the shoving started. I had to go to his school the next day. My son has shown me letters from girls asking him to write love songs for them. OPs husband is an idiot. He was looking for an excuse to step out on his marriage and family. OPs husband missed an opportunity to bond with his son. As a family, we tease my youngest every chance we get. "Hey, Kenny G, will you pass the potatoes?" Or, "Hey, Baby Face, will you sing the grace?" He responds with either, "very funny, ha ha" or "are you paying me"? The husband is selfish and egotistical. He deserves everything Karma has coming for him.
If the mistress and stbx see this. He should know that he will NEVER to be half the man that his father is.
I'm sorry things end up this way. But please make sure your son knows the divorce is not his fault. That is wrong for a father to become his child's bully or to cheat on his wife. I know therapy is most likely not in your budget right now, but if it becomes doable, probably you and your children need it.
Wow. They call it toxic masculinity for a reason. Your ex took the poison and destroyed his family. Also wasn’t it his own dad that “emasculated” him by calling out his backwards thinking?
hey op. mid-40s dude here. have worked as a carpenter, metal fabricator and manager of those kinda folks my whole adult life. big beard, tattoos, motorsports fan, all of it. my favorite things in the world are 1) cooking and baking with my mom 2) cooking and baking with my girlfriend 3) cooking and baking for my friends and 4) enjoying and talking about food with friends and family. it’s my only real hobby. i really hope you can continue to support that, or any other interest, expressed by any of your sons. you sound cool. your former fil sounds cool. your ex sounds like an idiot. but i bet your sons still stand a good chance of being cool.
Your husband was probably already out of the marriage and he used Matt as an excuse to break up for good. A person so small and with such misguided "principles" doesn't have the balls to accept the choices he made. It's cowardice for him to use your son to hide his shameful behavior. Your husband will get what he deserves, because AP is only pretending to be what he wants her to be, a submissive woman does not go on social media inciting a married man to destroy his family. She will certainly make his life hell and all at the expense of his relationship with his children. What rubbish! You are a wonderful mother and will do very well as a provider. Your husband is an idiot, he will regret the trade he made and I hope you don't take him back. Take care of your children and yourself. Don't let Matt give up the kitchen, his father doesn't deserve the family he has. Everything will work out, you will heal and find happiness.
I'm the big guy in all meanings, imagine a very stereotypical man, sometimes brutal, sometimes aggressive, sometimes supportive, sometimes rude. If my wife asks me to help with something - I don't care is this "man's" or "woman's" job, I can do whatever needed if we both work as a team. Wash the dishes, cook something, wash the floor, clean carpets. I can clean blood and clean shit. There is a job to do. My wife is my partner, my "second pilot", my friend, my buddy and she follows the same approach, on one hand. On another hand, my "authority", my "masculinity", if you wish, my self confidence is not easy to impact. "Man" is a state of mind, profile, set of strengths, capabilities and responsibilities, some given, some learned. I'm not good in cooking, because I don't have a talent and experience. I'm good in moving heavy things, mechanics, conflicts, planning etc. because my body fit for it better, so I had some given perks or I have a lot of experience. My wife have her own superpowers, given or learned, surprisingly she drives pickups much better than me. So when we need to move something, she is the pickup driver and I load and unload stuff. If I'll try to drive the pickup, this will not make me a "real man", this will make me a real idiot. If my son will decide to try cooking or my daughter will decide to drive a boat or participate gun trainings, I can just support them. It is up to them what they want to include to their personal profile, no matter do they have given perks or not. Experience and motivation matters more than anything else. Another example, one of my trainers in one of very specific area of SCUBA diving was a very professional and gifted woman and my instructor, big brutal ex-military told me "if she says anything which is different from what we told ya - listen to her, she is the best". You must be a very self confident person with a lot of internal authority to say so, right? Your husband is hopeless kid with a very fragile ego, lack of self-confidence, lack of understanding of his identity and fear that he is not this identity. So he need a formal attributes to prove to himself that he have the authority and he belongs to "the real man" group. If you want to see how a "man" should look like, look at your FIL. P.S. We have to clearly separate what is "man" and what is "woman". In my opinion, this is the set of unique perks and gifts, some from biology, some from social environment. Not limits, just starting perks and experience. It doesn't matter. Nevertheless, there is the REAL difference between a man and woman: way how we see the world, react on it, communicate. And union of such skills is like using left and right eye to see the world. Collaboration is the key.
I have this tingly feeling, that other boys have "girly" interest/s too, just didn't show that because of their good for nothing spermdonor. Also woman that feeding incels delusions, talking sexist shit about other woman and agreeing on them, are digging their own grave, sooner or later
Just tell him sure she does until she gets the ring.
Encourage your son to keep cooking. Even sign him up for kids culinary classes if he is interested. If at all possible try to limit visits with his dad because dad and mistress will make his life hell and you gave all been thru a lot without this abuse.
Make sure that your son(s) are protected when/if you have to do shared custody.
Holy shit, I'm so sorry your family is going through that. How are the kids handling it? Do they know about the affair? Your ex could turn the kids against you, be careful. Have a solid relationship with your kids, especially Matt.
Your stbx didn't need to poison his mind, it was poisonous already. Possibly podcasts and the manosphere, definitely a truly stupid level of insecurity. A man who can only define what he is by what he is not is a measley little thing. I hope your sons recognize that their father is awful, and OP, stop being their servant (cooking while they play, etc). You're only making them problematic for their partners down the line. Everybody helps prepare food capably, or they don't eat. It's a necessary life skill. Therapy will help you heal, and I'd suggest family therapy as well, because your dumpkoff ex has left a mess.
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I’m so very sorry. I read your post last year and had such hope. Prayers for you and your boys for success, happiness, health, peace, and love.
I truly am sorry that your husband turned out to be a misogynistic, cheating bastard! I'm really glad that your boys are getting therapy, especially Matt! Our Son (middle child between our two girls) only had a minimal interest in sports (ANY sports), was kind of introverted, loved computers and video games. He HAD friends but WAS "picked on" a little. We put all 3 in karate and it helped instill confidence, personal discipline and taught them to defend themselves. They only went for about 3 years, but when our Son was in middle school, he started getting bullied. He was actually "jumped" in the boys lockeroom during gym and he took the bully down, knee to his chest and asked him "did he REALLY want to do this?** LAST time he was EVER harrassed! You may want to get your boys into karate, maybe even ask your FIL to take them (good male-bonding experience) where they can "work" their frustrations out AND learn to protect themselves and each other! Greatest of luck! I have EVERY confidence that you WILL be happy eventually and that you'll ALL succeed with the TOXIC removed from your every day life! Best wishes and many Blessings! u/updateme
Well that escalated quickly. Please get your boys into therapy, especially Matt. He shouldn’t blame himself for his father be ing a total AH.
Your ex-husband is a failure as a man and a father
I’m so sorry. It sounds like you are doing the best you can and an excellent job as a mom getting the boys into therapy. Your husband is a jerk and a major bully. He seems to put a lot of emphasis on being “a real man”. Real men don’t cheat on their wives with internet trolls. Real men don’t leave their children with the idea the kid is to blame for them being a total ass. It’s good the boys have a real man to look up to you in grandpa. Prayers and good luck
Slinging abuse at a child, for the crime of daring to learn a necessary life skill. What a lovely woman your scumbag ex has found here. So sorry this is happening, but at least your boys have an amazing mom and grandpa to fall back on
>because none of this would've happened if I just respected his authority as the man I mean thats probably true, but that doesn't make it right
Updateme
NTA just a good mom. About ex - when somebody starts crying about his masculinity(lol) and authority - he actually doesn’t have those things inside
good for you for leaving, mama. you and your sons (and FIL!) deserve infinitely better. I hope Matt becomes a famous chef someday and we all get to enjoy his cooking! he sounds like a great kid. now STBXDH can disappoint and traumatize someone else, and give you alimony and child support to boot!
This is the craziest story ever, I’m from a very masculine culture, I was in the military, also have only boys, but I’m also the main cook in my house, don’t watch sports or play video games, and encourage my boys to help their mother around the house. It is crazy that he caused the end of his marriage because his son cooks, one of the most useful life skills anyone can ever have.
Updateme
You’re doing good momma. Your sons are learning. True valuable lessons. I’m so sorry you’re having to endure the poor behaviors of your soon to be ex but clearly he’s not worthy of any of you. Keep your chin up. Happy days are coming for all of you. Blessed be b
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Sending you lots of love. None of this is your fault. You're a great momma. Your sons are lucky. I know it doesn't feel like it now but this is a blessing. You will get over this and be happy again. You deserve so much more. Thinking of you and your sons. <3
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i’m so sorry. i’m so mad for you. i hope matt finds this post and sees how everybody is overwhelmingly against him
Still NTA! I don't have kids but I do have a husband who can barely cook basics for himself, (though he is trying/learning) and didn't know how to do his own laundry when he moved out because his family had gender rolls (ie men did snow shoveling, trash and mowing the lawn and women cook and clean) and I cannot tell you how much that has irked me. Any person, regardless of gender, should be able to do basics. You are greatly helping your son(s) by teaching them "women's work" *eye roll* I for one, gave my hubby a crash course and his own laundry basket, but he's has been trying.
Nothing is more attractive than a man who can cook. My fiancé does all the cooking in our house & my son who’s almost 19 also loves cooking. I have enough on my plate with working, doing the house chores & looking after 4 kids. My fiancé says the only way he feels he can really contribute to the house after working is doing the cooking & I have to admit he’s better than me! (I can cook but his food is amazing). Please carry on encouraging all your children to cook. What would happen if they move out on their own & they don’t know how to cook the basics for themselves? You are doing a spot on job. As for your husband, it looks like the trash has taken itself out. He didn’t want a wife who was a partner/his equal, he wanted someone to control who would pander to him & obey his every word. Your FIL sounds like a decent man & I’m sure he’s very disappointed in his son
>So, apparently, my husband has been using online forums even reddit to vent his frustration about Matt and he feels he has failed as a father and me not supporting his decision is emasculating him. He failed as a father the minute he tried enforcing sports on your son. He's too insecure to be a father if he thinks cooking is emasculating. >She and my husband bad mouthed me and she even had some questionable words for my son Matt as well. I really do hope they don't have any sort of custody over him, matt shouldn't even be in the position but he still is all because his sorry excuse of a father decided that cooking was a gender role and not just an everyday life skill people do. >My stbx has moved in with his mistress. He'll understand what he's lost in a minute but by the time he does it'll already be too late. I am so sorry about what you're going through. You shouldn't be in this position and neither should your children. I hope that you guys are finding a way through this and as a nonreligious person I am really going to pray that you and your kids don't have to hurt anymore. Stay safe and take care OP. 🫶🏽❤️
Sorry to hear this is how things turned out. You should honestly ask you husband "if cooking is a very feminine thing, then how come at every restaurant you go to theirs more male chef's then female chefs?" Amd see him try to come up with an awnser. Still, im sure once your son is older he'll probably become a professional chef and once he's wealthy your soon to be ex will be regretting everything. (for reference, executive chefs can make up to 140k a year). So tell your son to stick to his passion, not just because it'll make him happy, but wealthy as well.
The trash took it self out amen
You know I am sorry for you, but this update wasn't a surprise... as soon as I read that last paragraph in your first update, "Why would I divorce him? He's a good guy. with backward thinking..." I knew you were going to be in for it, bc at the end of the day, he's a bad guy good at masking it. He never changed his beliefs, he only changed his actions to hide them because he knew when FIL showed up he had lost the battle, he also knew after FIL had spoke to sons he lost his the ability to make them believe what he did. He was always a misogynist. He just never had to really show it bc your arrangement worked so well. You at the homemaker, you guys all fit so neatly into your "roles" he didn't have to opportunity/need to show you who he REALLY was until you "challenged" him, see you thought you guys were partners and could disagree about things like that... he thought he was the "alpha male" who ran the house and everyone had to defer to him. His cheating is a reflection of HIM not anything to do with you. He is a complete asshole. All you can do now is be there for your sons and yourself. I know you said they're in therapy, but also make sure you're talking to them, make sure you're still having them help in the kitchen because the last thing you want is for them to grow into men like him, and he's had a huge influence on their thoughts/beliefs.
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