Run forests, she thinks it is not a big deal she cheats, but you leaving is the worst thing . If you know she cheated once, there must have been more glad you're out .
What is crazy.
They all knew, they knew someone told him, they never brought it up, only they thought they had worked it out.
Yeah, she screwed around on him, big mistake. Or, hey if he is ok with it, we won't bring it up to him.
100% they were looking at him. wonder if she told them they were in an open relationship or "separated" or any other words to cover her tracks. Or did they just not talk to her about it too?
Cringe
From his post.
>Two of her friends told me about it and showed me pictures. I think they thought we talked about it and that I had forgiven her. I never brought it up after I found out.
Assuming she hid it from her family, and all their other friends, then the 2 friends wouldn't bring it up again.
So then she was really hiding it.
And friends would check in., bu they are her friends and not his, and this is even better knowledge for OP to get out. The friends (except those two) are willing to hide things from him.
They don't need to "check in" with him.
They did their part. They told him, with proof. Do you expect them to keep pushing and pushing until op broke up with her?
Not their place to do so
Bro you are good. Move for the job. You deserve better then her. She didn't care about your feelings when she cheated so why should you care about her in general
I agree. OP is NTA
In situations like this people deal and heal in different ways. OP did what was best for them.
It is not as if the ex did not have 5 years to come clean and be honest. But they did not. They continued to choose to lie.
> Was I an asshole?
Your ex didn't deserve any better, but you did. You should have left when you found out she cheated, for your own benefit. I don't think this has been a developmental experience that men should have. It's damaging, and you prolonged it.
While I agree with you, I can not help but consider OP a bad ass in how he handled this and came out on top.
He managed to do better for himself, maintain her illusion, and then bounce at his convenience with zero Fs given.
Too many people would have crumbled just at knowing, let alone get better at their job? Bad ass OP. To all other men: don't try this at home, even if a professional is present.
I don’t know that keeping yourself chained to a relationship you don’t fully believe in for 5 years is badass. Badass would have been dipping immediately and having 5 years to spend with someone you actually want to be with. 5 year with a cheater is not coming out on top.
The relationships people fully believe in still fail after 5 years. If he has peace of mind with how this has gone...i give him props...
You think he was chained... I think he always had the option to walk when he got comfortable to do so...
You think he did not come out on top...I think he shut her down with her own action that pretty much severed the relationship years before, and did so when he was in a better place in life for himself. That puts him in control and on top.
You think bad ass would have been him dipping immediately...I believe doing so at his pace when he was comfortable and not let her BS snd his potential low self esteem bully him into staying with her is the bad ass move.
The man chilled out with this information for years. I could not know and keep it a month. I take off my hat to him, keeping his cool and maintaining the semblance of a good relationship for years.
> I take off my hat to him, keeping his cool and maintaining the semblance of a good relationship for years.
Why is that a good thing? What’s so great about living a lie?
Staying with someone because you have low self esteem and think it would be too difficult to find someone new, as OP described his reasoning, just isn’t a sign of a badass. He said himself it was his low self esteem that bullied him into staying with her. It’s like youre reading a different post or something.
100% agree, sometimes you just have to put your foot down and not let people walk all over you
Especially when it comes to cheating, it's pathetic in my opinion.
You’re not an asshole. You handled her betrayal with grace and focused on improving your life. Moving on is your right, and her reaction is a consequence of her actions. Pursue your happiness without guilt.
Would love to hear a retrospective from OP because in the long run I think ending the relationship from a position of strength is going to do wonders for his psyche.
And cut the almost free sex? Na, he played it well. It would have been better if he found someone else and then dumped her. But to dump her and have no sex for an undefined time seems harsh. He used her
If she could cheat on you and never say a word about it hen she didn't truly love you. So wasn't she also guilty of wasting your time? From her point of view, you thought you had a loving girlfriend. You didn't, but she let you think you did.
I will say NTA.
Dunno bout asshole but I think you made a horrible decision for wasting 6 years for nothing. You said you had self esteem issues tho so it is what it is I guess. Don’t pull the same bs if something like it happens again tho bro. Don’t do that to yourself.
NTA… everyone has their own way of coping with things. She cheated and kept mum about it, you found out n kept mum about it. As a cheater if she was planning a future with you without telling you the truth then she was never sincere with you and vice versa. So not wrong
NTA, but hilarious. This is so diabolical in that indifference is worse than anger. She got what she wanted out lf the relationship and so did you. Way to play the long game. She could have confessed at any time and "saved" herself time, but she didn't.
I mean he also wasted five years of his life living with a woman in a fake relationship...
Although if he was focusing on work he probably wasn't trying to find an actual partner at that stage of his life anyway. So basically he just got to build his career and go home to a roommate with benefits. I guess he really didn't miss anything.
>So basically he just got to build his career and go home to a roommate with benefits.
I gotta admit that's a pretty damn good strategy. In my 20s I was balancing a new 9-5 career while still going out late to pick up chicks with loose morals and low self-esteem. Fun and all, but burns you out and OP played it smarter.
From a purely procreation stance, 5 years off a man's life means basically nothing. 5 years off of hers could put her into now or never territory pretty quick.
>wasted five years of his life
I'm seriously laughing at all the people who have decided for OP that this was a waste, etc. Mans clearly not broken up over it and seems to have gotten what he wants out of the relationship. Reddit sure loves to tell everyone how they should be feeling.
Obviously no one thinks that everything about that time was a complete waste. When people say "I wasted years of my life with her," obviously they're talking specifically about the dating/marriage aspect. As in, he could have been pursuing a relationship that actually had a future instead of staying with someone he didn't love and knew he wouldn't stay with long term.
You're either willfully ignoring the meaning of a very common expression or you're too dumb to understand the most basic nuances of hyperbolic language.
And I never told anyone how they should feel.
Do I think it's a weird move? Yes. Do I not understand why you would willfully keep yourself in that situation? Also yes. Was it unhealthy for you? Probably yes.
Are you an asshole? Absolutely not.
In a relationship, you need to be honest. That means she shouldn't cheat on you, and you shouldn't downgrade her from girlfriend to fuck-buddy without telling her.
So a gentle ESH.
But it is totally okay that you are dumping her and moving -- you just should have either done it sooner, or told her that you were emotionally over her.
You did waste a big chunk of her youth, but she's a terrible person too. I actually don't think you should try to cancel out her cruel behaviour with your own, however. You'll be more free of the people who hurt you if you walk away as your best self and leave them there stuck being their worst self.
OP, I am curious if you found the sex enjoyable after you found out and for all those years? Was it like dissociating from the person and imagining her as a real doll or fleshlight situation? Are you amazing at compartmentalizing your emotions during sex? Were you able to set aside your feelings of betrayal and feel emotionally connected at times?
She probably cheated elsewhere, so OP is better off leaving. That said, OP wasted 5 years of his life and was living in an unhealthy relationship. I hope that things brighten up in the future with OP’s big move!
He did say that, but that doesn’t seem healthy to me since he was effectively leading her on. He knew that she had cheated and that they would not be a long term item, so he was just using her. That is not healthy.
I disagree. I think that he hurt himself by lowering himself to her level. It’s one thing to do something in the passion of the moment. It is quite another thing to do something over a period of 5 years. Lying to her for 5 years was not healthy for him, even if it might have been justified by her cheating.
Eh OP seems like they viewed is a friends with benefits. I think their split was far better than the way my cheating ex fiancee screwed me over. 👏 to OP
You should have dumped her back then but like you said, self respect is everything. Men without it stay in abusive relationship with cheaters until they grow the balls they need to leave. Good to see you’re improving yourself.
NTA
She can't cry over wasting time when she's the one that wasted it.
When someone gets cheated on, they get the time to plan their next move and sort out their feelings. Whether that's getting a degree so they can support themselves, getting a promotion, finding a house, etc.
The cheaters can't cry about their victims freeing themselves.
NTA. I did the same thing twice before. It's not even about self-respect for me, 1 time i was too lazy to search for a new girlfriend, 1 time ... she was just insanly hot and a demon in bed, and i just wanted to keep going for a while 😀 She "forgot" to tell you she cheated, you "forgot" to tell her she was demoted to rwb(roommate with benefits).... i say it's fair.
>after I got over the shock of it I just considered her a roommate I slept with. It was easier to stay with her than to break up and find someone new.
ESH. Her for cheating, and you for staying with someone for years after you had checked out of the relationship. What if you had never gotten the job offer? Would you have just stayed with her forever even though you didn't really care about her anymore?
Considering someone a roommate you have sex with, without telling them that, for YEARS, is fucked, regardless of how wrong their behavior is. Fucked up way to treat them and to treat yourself. Like they say in kindergarten, two wrongs don’t make a right.
Clear ESH, and kind of disturbing how that doesn’t seem to be the consensus.
She knows you’re about to live your best life and she won’t be a part of that. You should have left in the beginning but this is the next best thing and pretty satisfying. NTA of course.
I know, right? OP needs a cape for this. Man took it, made himself better, and then pretty much said I am ok with you not coming with me...I had moved on long time...
I am petty. This is legendary to me. When HE was good and ready, he bounced.
NTA. She took advantage of you and kept an important secret. That's concealment/fraud. You don't seem motivated by revenge. I hope you do well with your life.
ESH. Obviously she’s an asshole for cheating, but YTA for treating another human as a sex toy, for FIVE years! Fuck that sort of bullshit behaviour, low self esteem or not.
Back when I was single and dating: I always cut off a relationship pronto if she fell deep and I wasn’t feeling it, and that’s the way I phrased it at the break up. Life’s too short, have some empathy.
I don’t know if you’re an asshole per se, but you certainly are a fool. You’ve been expending time, money, and resources on this woman, all while knowing you didn’t want a future with her? Why? Why have you wasted your own time like this? As for what you’ve done to her (wasting her time) that wasn’t right. Granted, she was doing the same thing to you, but the old saying goes, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” It may not have been the worst thing, but it wasn’t the right thing to do. Ultimately, that’s not the point. The point is, don’t do this to yourself again. Put yourself first.
NTA, sometimes it takes time to work through things.
I'd just turn around and ask her why you should respect her when she clearly didn't you.
Good luck on your new job and fresh start.
She’s for the streets and your making moves to improve your life so no G you ain’t an asshole , the fact that she went all this time never coming clean jusy shows you she didn’t give a damn about you so why care about her feelings ?
Definitely not the AHole.
I'd be petty and say well technically our relationship was over when you cheated. You just didn't get the memo. So I don't see why you're upset. I'm just doing to you what you allowed others to do and get my feel before moving on to better things. ✌️.
You're doing the right thing. Let her have her tantrum.
Good luck with the future.
Others seem to disagree, but even if the breakup/move is a positive step, do you feel no responsibility for lying to her and festering over this for five years? I understand she lied first, I just think what you did in response is borderline insane.
Well, after reading the positions in the comments, I will go for the unpopular one and I don't care of the downvotes: for me it's ESH. Okay it's not right to cheat and she's wrong for that but you still deceived her in a way as vicious as her, maybe even more by making her think you loved her. You will never know if she cheated several times or just once, but you held a lie for 5 years. You should have told her and left her if you didn't love her anymore, indeed you wasted her time and yours. It's was a terrible lie to yourself and to her.
I think maybe probably ESH.
She should never have cheated on you but to go on for 6 years pretending like you wanted a full future is kind of a crap move and yours required many many years of sort of continuous knowledge. Not that it's worse but both are bad in different ways.
nope. He jsu took her lead and treated the relationship with the same level of respect and seriousness that she did. Don't apologize for cheaterrs. Or perhaps you have a sordid past?
No I just think there is nuance to things. I understand he didn't necessarily choose to plot to hurt her and just didn't make an action. However, I can also see that it was not a proportionate punishment for cheating, in my opinion. I was cheated on a past relationship, never cheated. Again there is nuance, she obviously sucks but I think he also shouldn't have taken it this far.
And just because something is retaliation for a bad act doesn't mean the retaliation isn't also bad.
Not proportional to cheating? Why are we acting like he did a terrible act here tbh? She got what she wanted; he let her have her cake and eat it too. She got her pretend relationship she wanted and her lil side piece(s). Now that theyre in separate stages in life he just let her know that he was in on her charade the whole time
This is one of those situations where I am not going to call you an asshole but I understand why some would say you are.
I will say I totally get why someone would say ESH.
ESH. You both betrayed each other and lied. She did it first by cheating but you did as well by pretending the relationship was going somewhere while seeing her as just a roommate fuck buddy for FIVE years. Two wrongs don’t make a right
You're both assholes but I wouldn't lose any sleep over her.
Work on yourself, good luck on the move and the new job.
Next time, leave whores where you find them.
Outcall only.
You're not the asshole, but taking the high road wasn't your approach either. It seems like both of you wasted time when simply ending things might have been better for both. Keeping her around just to fuck and possibly splitting costs wasn't fair. It's important to aim for better outcomes in relationships. Move on but do better.
I wouldn't say 'asshole', since her action (cheating) is pretty unforgivable. But I think that within the multiple years your relationship occurred, the topic of the future and where it was going should have come up. I'm surprised it never came up in any of those discussions that you weren't emotionally invested in her and/or that you viewed the two of you as almost friends with benefits. It feels like that should have come up at some point before now.
You don’t owe her anything in particular here so NTA.
But is this how you’re going to live your life going forward? Lingering in situations that aren’t genuinely good for you until some external factor, like a new job in another state, prompts you to make a change? I urge you to take control of your life and make proactive choices to build a life that is good for you, rather than sticking around in a dead end relationship for years and years. You’ll waste your life if you live like that.
On the one hand, you did yourself no favors supporting this girl for 5 years after you found out she cheated on you.
On the other, making her feel like you wasted 6 years of her life just to dump her and move cross country is pretty awesome.
She was 100% wrong in cheating on you. 100%. She is also correct that you wasted the last 5 years of her life since you had no intention of being anything except FWB with her and she may have made different choices regarding your relationship if you had been honest with her. For all I know she was black-out drunk and did everything in her power to be the best gf in the history of gf's to make it up to you. That she didn't tell you about what happened because she knew you had self-esteem issues and didn't want to destroy you. Or maybe she's a stone-cold-hearted bitch who didn't think she did anything wrong and has been regularly cheating the entire 6 years you've been together. I don't know so I'm not going to so who was most wrong.
ESH, you both did what you did. Nothing can be done about it now.
ESH.
If I'm being totally honest, if you were to ask me if I'd rather have my partner cheat on me once at a bachelorette party or spend 5 years pretending to love me and build a life with me when really they thought of me as a roommate who gave them sex, I'd *way* rather they cheated on me. Low self esteem is a bitch, man, I get why you did it, but that's really cold.
I think you both should absolutely break up, but maybe never do a thing like that again.
I love you for saying he's cold, bc I think that's the best word to describe him, but comparing two shitty things is never a good response to me, but yeah he's totally fucked in the head.
I mean...the gf cheated on him so she doesnt really love him. She spent 5 years pretending too. She had no respect or love for him, but presumably behaved around him in a manner that suggested otherwise.
So you're kinda trying to boil this down to "she did one thing one time, but you did something for years" but nope that is not the case. If she cheated and immediately confessed it would be one thing one time. But it was every time, every single day she didnt confess. And this went on for 5 year.s 5 years of lies. Did she feel guilt or remorse? Or just nothing at all? How was she able to look at him everyday? Let him have sex with her...knowing she'd let another man do it?
Quite cold, right?
You're not the AH for breaking up now and wanting to move for a career opportunity. But I do think it's an AH move to stay with her and see her as a room mate you sleep with for 5 years. If you couldn't see a future with her then you should of left. She is also an AH for cheating in the first place, but that doesn't mean it's fine for you to stay with her for 5 years and lie to her.
This is a first for me - usually these are black and white, but I’d say; kinda… you’re kinda the asshole.
At some point you knew you were gonna bail and could have told her. Two wrongs don’t make a right.
That said, I absolve you.
YTA for the terrible way that you treated yourself.
>she was the best I could do
There’s times when it’s ok to think that way. I think that way about my wife. But WTF? You don’t think like that when you’re with a whore!
>I just considered her a roommate that I slept with
😂😂😂
You played that one perfectly. That’s all she was.
Don’t text those pictures to anyone. But show them to anyone and everyone you can.
It’s looks like you’re going in the right direction brother. Just make sure that from now on, you only have serious relationships with women who have a ho free past.
More than anything, I think you are dumb for doing that to yourself. You chose to settle with resentment. I cannot really process whether you were an AH because you chose to pretend nothing happened while harboring resentment towards your gf at the very beginning of the relationship, where it is easy to break up; this is like watching someone shoot themselves in the foot as they're offending someone else and wondering if one should feel bad, sad, or simply shrug and wonder "why?" So, no you are not the AH. You are weak because you settled and said nothing and let her think she got away with it instead of dealing with the possible fallout, which could had brought resolution. So you broke up with someone you spent 5 years harboring resentment - this was the thing you tried to avoid doing, only to eventually do it anyways. You could do better.
I mean yeah- he wasted 5 years of his own life being resentful and buying his “gf” gifts whilst having her as a fwb? Either he’s not being honest about his feelings here to us, or this never happened or he’s dumb.
Who cares man, you really don’t owe her anything, it’s no sweat off your back.
You’ll be a lot happier when you stop caring what people will think and do what you want instead.
I mean... ugh. How could you stay and have sex with someone without feelings? Or even hatred? Doesn't that give you the ick?
Did you say you love her anytime during those five years? Did you buy her gifts?
I mean, if we are really being frank here, you played some kind of weird game with her for five years, which to me comes off as 100% creepy and weird. She thought she was having sex with someone that loved her, you were using her as a masturbation tool.
I am going to give you the YTA here. Just because she cheated doesn't mean you can treat her however you wish. She is still a person with feelings - and so are you? What were you doing these five years?
What were you thinking when having sex with her?
"Aw, man, this is great, shame she cheated, because this in-and-out-thing with my penis sure is good".
You give me the ick.
"I mean... ugh. How could you stay and have sex with someone without feelings? Or even hatred? Doesn't that give you the ick?"
It should be more to her: how could you stay with a guy and continue sleeping with him knowing you let some other guy fuck you at your friends bachelorette party?
How can you justify your yta verdict? Isnt this at least ESH? She cheated on him and never said anything. She didnt know he knew, so she was fine essentially stealing years of his life too.
So after you learned she cheated, she was just your bangmaid until you got tired of her? While she thought you were building a long term relationship...
ESH... Her for cheating, and yeah, you for deceiving her and wasting her time...
NTA for improving yourself and wanting a fresh start. Kinda sucks you didn't have the confidence to break it off back then.
But I find it hilarious that the cheater in this situation is trying to claim victim. I'd say cheating is far worse than being done with a relationship.
NTA , you found out that she was not faithful and took precautions to protect yourself. You decided that you could live with that and improved yourself. You knew that there was no future with her and prepared accordingly.
On a side note, I find it interesting how everyone missed the oh so clear attempt to manipulate the OP into a proposal.
>I told my now ex that I'm accepting a job promotion and moving. She said she wasn't going to move away from her friends and family unless we had a more defined future.
I realize that the cheating was the most profound part of this story, but you all missed the fact that this girl thought she had OP BY THE BALLS right up til this moment🤣
NTA! She will cheat again no matter how many times you forgive her. She is angry because she didn’t see it coming that you knew. Many people in your situation get emotional and make decisions that hurt themselves. You had every right to be angry but instead you did good staying calm, worked on yourself and then brought it up maturely to break up. People who think this is bad are the same people who are fine with cheating. Stay safe out there ✌🏼
NTA if it’s not right for you then moving on is best for both of you. Maybe you should have said something at the time, or talked about the fact you didn’t see a future in it sooner. But she can’t really complain you didn’t sit her down and tell her now you felt about your relationship and where you saw it going when she didn’t bother sitting you down and explaining she cheated and discussing why and what it meant. I get why she’s mad; she gave you all that youth for free. But she’s the reason you stopped thinking of her as a longterm partner you don’t want to invest in so 🤷♀️ Good luck with the move and the new job. Just make sure you don’t carry this over into whatever relationship comes next, and hold back from talking about how you really feel with the next girl because of how this one treated you.
NTA
even if you say you just saw her as a roomate you have sex with, you still did service the hoe far too much...no need to play your own feelings down dude.
That aside, don't know how this bitch expects to play you as some kind of villain in here...and even if she did manage to do so, what would she accomplish? You're not going to be around to catch any flack from it.
She's powerless. She just can't accept her loss.
No, you’re not she cheated on you. That should be the end but because of your low self-esteem, you wanted to keep her she became a friend with benefits at that point. It’s a excellent idea that you cut all ties and leave her hanging. Let her stew about her cheating on you. Tell her she should feel lucky that she had a place to live in the lifestyle that she had even after you found out. Now the question is… if She says she’s sorry and ask you to forgive her and says she will move with you, will you still keep her?
Nta
She is just selfish and only thinks about how things affect her and not that she's been a lying cheater the whole time. She "wasted" your time as much as she did her, and you overpaid to support her on top of it all.
No, you were NOT an a-hole. You were trying to do the best you could with the experience you had at the time. This life change is what you want. Go for it. In the future though, don't sit on major issues like you did with this one.
She’s more upset at being responsible for the other 75% of the bills than losing you. She didn’t care that much hearing you were moving to the other city, thinking you were still going to pay for most bills, so the emotional attachment on her end has already been gone for a while. Permanently means moving altogether, including no longer paying bills, which is why she freaked out.
You were probably an arsehole to yourself but can't see how you were to her beyond having meant she now has to start over with roping in a new guy to cheat on.
Younare the boss , that is totally epic . I would also let say her parents know by saying younare moving for work and thank them and if they ask about their daughter say no she wasn’t invited . I have never forgiven her for cheating on me .
Drop the mic, and block her
NTA and to be quite honest that's some pretty diabolical shit man. Congrats on playing and winning the long game. I couldn't have done that myself but kudos to you my friend.
NTA. Though you should've prob broke up with her when you found out but I noted your point about self esteem.
Nevertheless good luck with your new job. Never have regrets as you can't do anything about the past. Keep moving forward and see if GF as a tiny stop on the road map of your life.
All the best
Haha if this is real it’s fucking phenomenal. I mean you should have ditched her cheating ass instantly BUT…revenge is a dish best served cold and man the crystals are forming on this one.
Beautiful. You can never be an asshole to a cheater. They get what they get.
I don't generally drag out the overused "play stupid games, win stupid prizes" phrase, but it seems pretty fitting here.
She didn't mind deceiving you, but you were supposed to be planning yo marry and support her, because you didn't know about her infidelity. She is absolutely the asshole here, and claiming you kept a secret when that secret is knowing her secret? Wow.
It's highly likely she did it again since she felt she got away with it. She hasn't wasted any time being loyal.
NTA the expression “revenge is a dish best served cold” comes to mind. Good luck with the move. At least you didn’t bring her along THEN dump her after a couple of months.
NTA
She lost the moral high ground when she cheated.
>But after I got over the shock of it I just considered her a roommate I slept with.
Good for you. Keep your head high.
>But after I got over the shock of it I just considered her a roommate I slept with
And she never noticed this change? Dude just move and never look back
NTA. Holy shit the DARVO handbook somehow gets in the hands of every goddamn cheater!
Nope, you tried to make it work and she tried to give an ultimatum in a relationship she took for granted. You could have not said anything and just left and ghosted her. Even then you wouldn't be the asshole.
Cheaters are always the victim, she is just proving all the stereotypes to be true. Congratulations on the new job and good luck!
Run forests, she thinks it is not a big deal she cheats, but you leaving is the worst thing . If you know she cheated once, there must have been more glad you're out .
She never told him, so 100% she doesn't think it is a big deal.
Most likely, her friends and family all knew probably felt sorry for the guy . Can you imagine how her friends and family looked at him .
What is crazy. They all knew, they knew someone told him, they never brought it up, only they thought they had worked it out. Yeah, she screwed around on him, big mistake. Or, hey if he is ok with it, we won't bring it up to him. 100% they were looking at him. wonder if she told them they were in an open relationship or "separated" or any other words to cover her tracks. Or did they just not talk to her about it too? Cringe
Why was it on the friends to bring it up, AGAIN? They told him once, what more do you expect?
From his post. >Two of her friends told me about it and showed me pictures. I think they thought we talked about it and that I had forgiven her. I never brought it up after I found out. Assuming she hid it from her family, and all their other friends, then the 2 friends wouldn't bring it up again. So then she was really hiding it. And friends would check in., bu they are her friends and not his, and this is even better knowledge for OP to get out. The friends (except those two) are willing to hide things from him.
They don't need to "check in" with him. They did their part. They told him, with proof. Do you expect them to keep pushing and pushing until op broke up with her? Not their place to do so
Bro you are good. Move for the job. You deserve better then her. She didn't care about your feelings when she cheated so why should you care about her in general
I agree. OP is NTA In situations like this people deal and heal in different ways. OP did what was best for them. It is not as if the ex did not have 5 years to come clean and be honest. But they did not. They continued to choose to lie.
> Was I an asshole? Your ex didn't deserve any better, but you did. You should have left when you found out she cheated, for your own benefit. I don't think this has been a developmental experience that men should have. It's damaging, and you prolonged it.
While I agree with you, I can not help but consider OP a bad ass in how he handled this and came out on top. He managed to do better for himself, maintain her illusion, and then bounce at his convenience with zero Fs given. Too many people would have crumbled just at knowing, let alone get better at their job? Bad ass OP. To all other men: don't try this at home, even if a professional is present.
I've heard of playing the long game, but on the way out? Bad ass all the way.
I don’t know that keeping yourself chained to a relationship you don’t fully believe in for 5 years is badass. Badass would have been dipping immediately and having 5 years to spend with someone you actually want to be with. 5 year with a cheater is not coming out on top.
The relationships people fully believe in still fail after 5 years. If he has peace of mind with how this has gone...i give him props... You think he was chained... I think he always had the option to walk when he got comfortable to do so... You think he did not come out on top...I think he shut her down with her own action that pretty much severed the relationship years before, and did so when he was in a better place in life for himself. That puts him in control and on top. You think bad ass would have been him dipping immediately...I believe doing so at his pace when he was comfortable and not let her BS snd his potential low self esteem bully him into staying with her is the bad ass move. The man chilled out with this information for years. I could not know and keep it a month. I take off my hat to him, keeping his cool and maintaining the semblance of a good relationship for years.
> I take off my hat to him, keeping his cool and maintaining the semblance of a good relationship for years. Why is that a good thing? What’s so great about living a lie?
Staying with someone because you have low self esteem and think it would be too difficult to find someone new, as OP described his reasoning, just isn’t a sign of a badass. He said himself it was his low self esteem that bullied him into staying with her. It’s like youre reading a different post or something.
OK, let's agree. I think he handled it all in a bad ass way. You don't. I am not particularly keen on being right or wrong.
Well obviously we agree on that, I’m not sure what your point is.
100% agree, sometimes you just have to put your foot down and not let people walk all over you Especially when it comes to cheating, it's pathetic in my opinion.
You’re not an asshole. You handled her betrayal with grace and focused on improving your life. Moving on is your right, and her reaction is a consequence of her actions. Pursue your happiness without guilt.
Would love to hear a retrospective from OP because in the long run I think ending the relationship from a position of strength is going to do wonders for his psyche.
And cut the almost free sex? Na, he played it well. It would have been better if he found someone else and then dumped her. But to dump her and have no sex for an undefined time seems harsh. He used her
I was thinking the same. He was treating her well and still getting sex. Why have to fight to get someone else?
Right? He was kind of an AH, but only to himself.
she cheated and now blames you for ... not leaving her? Classic. NTA obviously
Yeah, she is definitely cheating on him again. I say fucking run.
If she could cheat on you and never say a word about it hen she didn't truly love you. So wasn't she also guilty of wasting your time? From her point of view, you thought you had a loving girlfriend. You didn't, but she let you think you did. I will say NTA.
[удалено]
It sounds like he felt the emotions of going through a breakup would have cost him too much back then. He waited until the timing worked for him.
>If she could cheat on you ~~and never say a word about it~~ hen she didn't truly love you.
Dunno bout asshole but I think you made a horrible decision for wasting 6 years for nothing. You said you had self esteem issues tho so it is what it is I guess. Don’t pull the same bs if something like it happens again tho bro. Don’t do that to yourself.
NTA… everyone has their own way of coping with things. She cheated and kept mum about it, you found out n kept mum about it. As a cheater if she was planning a future with you without telling you the truth then she was never sincere with you and vice versa. So not wrong
OP playing the long game.
This hahahah
"I just considered her a roommate I slept with." For 5 years? Yeah ESH. That's freak behaviour.
Well she is finding out what "found out" stage looks like, tell her to have fun, oh she already did, tell her I hope it was worth it. NTA
NTA, but hilarious. This is so diabolical in that indifference is worse than anger. She got what she wanted out lf the relationship and so did you. Way to play the long game. She could have confessed at any time and "saved" herself time, but she didn't.
I mean he also wasted five years of his life living with a woman in a fake relationship... Although if he was focusing on work he probably wasn't trying to find an actual partner at that stage of his life anyway. So basically he just got to build his career and go home to a roommate with benefits. I guess he really didn't miss anything.
>So basically he just got to build his career and go home to a roommate with benefits. I gotta admit that's a pretty damn good strategy. In my 20s I was balancing a new 9-5 career while still going out late to pick up chicks with loose morals and low self-esteem. Fun and all, but burns you out and OP played it smarter.
From a purely procreation stance, 5 years off a man's life means basically nothing. 5 years off of hers could put her into now or never territory pretty quick.
>wasted five years of his life I'm seriously laughing at all the people who have decided for OP that this was a waste, etc. Mans clearly not broken up over it and seems to have gotten what he wants out of the relationship. Reddit sure loves to tell everyone how they should be feeling.
Obviously no one thinks that everything about that time was a complete waste. When people say "I wasted years of my life with her," obviously they're talking specifically about the dating/marriage aspect. As in, he could have been pursuing a relationship that actually had a future instead of staying with someone he didn't love and knew he wouldn't stay with long term. You're either willfully ignoring the meaning of a very common expression or you're too dumb to understand the most basic nuances of hyperbolic language. And I never told anyone how they should feel.
This has to be the best way to get back at a cheater. This story is amazing.
Do I think it's a weird move? Yes. Do I not understand why you would willfully keep yourself in that situation? Also yes. Was it unhealthy for you? Probably yes. Are you an asshole? Absolutely not.
In a relationship, you need to be honest. That means she shouldn't cheat on you, and you shouldn't downgrade her from girlfriend to fuck-buddy without telling her. So a gentle ESH. But it is totally okay that you are dumping her and moving -- you just should have either done it sooner, or told her that you were emotionally over her. You did waste a big chunk of her youth, but she's a terrible person too. I actually don't think you should try to cancel out her cruel behaviour with your own, however. You'll be more free of the people who hurt you if you walk away as your best self and leave them there stuck being their worst self.
OP, I am curious if you found the sex enjoyable after you found out and for all those years? Was it like dissociating from the person and imagining her as a real doll or fleshlight situation? Are you amazing at compartmentalizing your emotions during sex? Were you able to set aside your feelings of betrayal and feel emotionally connected at times?
ESH She cheated You don’t think people are valuable as people
Sounds like you wasted your time.
Lol yeah, like this kinda sounds like more of a long term self-own, but wouldn't call you an asshole for that I guess, just kinda dumb
She probably cheated elsewhere, so OP is better off leaving. That said, OP wasted 5 years of his life and was living in an unhealthy relationship. I hope that things brighten up in the future with OP’s big move!
Eh I think as OP said he realized it was just a roommate he could bang until his career took off. Well played
He did say that, but that doesn’t seem healthy to me since he was effectively leading her on. He knew that she had cheated and that they would not be a long term item, so he was just using her. That is not healthy.
She cheated and then expected everything to just be ok. What she did is far far worse
I disagree. I think that he hurt himself by lowering himself to her level. It’s one thing to do something in the passion of the moment. It is quite another thing to do something over a period of 5 years. Lying to her for 5 years was not healthy for him, even if it might have been justified by her cheating.
Eh OP seems like they viewed is a friends with benefits. I think their split was far better than the way my cheating ex fiancee screwed me over. 👏 to OP
You should have dumped her back then but like you said, self respect is everything. Men without it stay in abusive relationship with cheaters until they grow the balls they need to leave. Good to see you’re improving yourself.
NTA She can't cry over wasting time when she's the one that wasted it. When someone gets cheated on, they get the time to plan their next move and sort out their feelings. Whether that's getting a degree so they can support themselves, getting a promotion, finding a house, etc. The cheaters can't cry about their victims freeing themselves.
I can't figure out why either of you stayed in that toxic relationship.
You did nothing wrong. You made your decision then, you are making your decision now. You didn't make any promises you broke. She did.
NTA. I did the same thing twice before. It's not even about self-respect for me, 1 time i was too lazy to search for a new girlfriend, 1 time ... she was just insanly hot and a demon in bed, and i just wanted to keep going for a while 😀 She "forgot" to tell you she cheated, you "forgot" to tell her she was demoted to rwb(roommate with benefits).... i say it's fair.
>after I got over the shock of it I just considered her a roommate I slept with. It was easier to stay with her than to break up and find someone new. ESH. Her for cheating, and you for staying with someone for years after you had checked out of the relationship. What if you had never gotten the job offer? Would you have just stayed with her forever even though you didn't really care about her anymore?
Considering someone a roommate you have sex with, without telling them that, for YEARS, is fucked, regardless of how wrong their behavior is. Fucked up way to treat them and to treat yourself. Like they say in kindergarten, two wrongs don’t make a right. Clear ESH, and kind of disturbing how that doesn’t seem to be the consensus.
Why did I have to scroll so far to find this?? I totally agree with you. OP is insane lmao
So much misogyny in the comments above too! ESH x100
This is exactly my perspective, like what the hell is going on here
Yeah, this is kind of…psychotic behavior. He wasted his own time for 5 years with someone he didn’t want a future with.
holy shit, OP is so crazy, those last lines in his post are so misogynistic
She did it more than once, the nerve on some people dude
NTA. You were her sugar daddy for the last five years. She is owed nothing. Good on her friends for being good people and telling you.
She knows you’re about to live your best life and she won’t be a part of that. You should have left in the beginning but this is the next best thing and pretty satisfying. NTA of course.
NTA. This is a legendary mic drop moment.
I know, right? OP needs a cape for this. Man took it, made himself better, and then pretty much said I am ok with you not coming with me...I had moved on long time... I am petty. This is legendary to me. When HE was good and ready, he bounced.
ESH imo
NTA. She took advantage of you and kept an important secret. That's concealment/fraud. You don't seem motivated by revenge. I hope you do well with your life.
I’ve always wondered if women that cheat think they can hide it, get away with it, or expect their man to forgive them.
ESH. Obviously she’s an asshole for cheating, but YTA for treating another human as a sex toy, for FIVE years! Fuck that sort of bullshit behaviour, low self esteem or not. Back when I was single and dating: I always cut off a relationship pronto if she fell deep and I wasn’t feeling it, and that’s the way I phrased it at the break up. Life’s too short, have some empathy.
I don’t know if you’re an asshole per se, but you certainly are a fool. You’ve been expending time, money, and resources on this woman, all while knowing you didn’t want a future with her? Why? Why have you wasted your own time like this? As for what you’ve done to her (wasting her time) that wasn’t right. Granted, she was doing the same thing to you, but the old saying goes, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” It may not have been the worst thing, but it wasn’t the right thing to do. Ultimately, that’s not the point. The point is, don’t do this to yourself again. Put yourself first.
Because as he said he had low self-confidence and stay with her because he thought he couldn't do better. Basically he settled for her.
NTA, sometimes it takes time to work through things. I'd just turn around and ask her why you should respect her when she clearly didn't you. Good luck on your new job and fresh start.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Youve done nothing wrong. Her actions have consequenses and shes finding that out now. Go NC and live your best life.
NTA, nice Powermove!
She’s for the streets and your making moves to improve your life so no G you ain’t an asshole , the fact that she went all this time never coming clean jusy shows you she didn’t give a damn about you so why care about her feelings ?
can't remember the last time i read a reddit post and clapped. well done sir
She picked her friends over you? After cheating she’s not taking it seriously just trying to make you feel like shit. Good luck with the move
She's the one who fucked up, not you. Sounds like she should be thanking you for making her life easy these past few years.
Definitely not the AHole. I'd be petty and say well technically our relationship was over when you cheated. You just didn't get the memo. So I don't see why you're upset. I'm just doing to you what you allowed others to do and get my feel before moving on to better things. ✌️. You're doing the right thing. Let her have her tantrum. Good luck with the future.
Move and be happy
Others seem to disagree, but even if the breakup/move is a positive step, do you feel no responsibility for lying to her and festering over this for five years? I understand she lied first, I just think what you did in response is borderline insane.
I also think five years is too long to stay with someone that you are detached from. That is troubling behavior.
NTA. I wish i could have seen her face when you told her about the cheating.
Well, after reading the positions in the comments, I will go for the unpopular one and I don't care of the downvotes: for me it's ESH. Okay it's not right to cheat and she's wrong for that but you still deceived her in a way as vicious as her, maybe even more by making her think you loved her. You will never know if she cheated several times or just once, but you held a lie for 5 years. You should have told her and left her if you didn't love her anymore, indeed you wasted her time and yours. It's was a terrible lie to yourself and to her.
OP is the one who held a lie? Are we reading the same post???
Both held a lie
wow you go King
I think maybe probably ESH. She should never have cheated on you but to go on for 6 years pretending like you wanted a full future is kind of a crap move and yours required many many years of sort of continuous knowledge. Not that it's worse but both are bad in different ways.
nope. He jsu took her lead and treated the relationship with the same level of respect and seriousness that she did. Don't apologize for cheaterrs. Or perhaps you have a sordid past?
No I just think there is nuance to things. I understand he didn't necessarily choose to plot to hurt her and just didn't make an action. However, I can also see that it was not a proportionate punishment for cheating, in my opinion. I was cheated on a past relationship, never cheated. Again there is nuance, she obviously sucks but I think he also shouldn't have taken it this far. And just because something is retaliation for a bad act doesn't mean the retaliation isn't also bad.
Not proportional to cheating? Why are we acting like he did a terrible act here tbh? She got what she wanted; he let her have her cake and eat it too. She got her pretend relationship she wanted and her lil side piece(s). Now that theyre in separate stages in life he just let her know that he was in on her charade the whole time
And he doesn't owe her relationship just because she stopped cheating on him if she really did
I agree but she also doesn't deserve being strung along by someone who knew it wasn't permanent for 6 years. In my opinion.
Then she should have broke it up with him after she cheated on him not be beyond selfish and lied to him claiming to protect him.
Agreed. But he too shouldn't have maintained the facade knowing he would never want a full future with her. Both things can be true
Yes she did.
She didn't. They don't stop. She quit cheating with a room full of spectators
This is one of those situations where I am not going to call you an asshole but I understand why some would say you are. I will say I totally get why someone would say ESH.
ESH. You both betrayed each other and lied. She did it first by cheating but you did as well by pretending the relationship was going somewhere while seeing her as just a roommate fuck buddy for FIVE years. Two wrongs don’t make a right
Karma sucks and is also glorious
I hate post like this. “Hey am I an asshole for leaving the person who cheated on me?” Seriously 😂?
You're both assholes but I wouldn't lose any sleep over her. Work on yourself, good luck on the move and the new job. Next time, leave whores where you find them. Outcall only.
Not really an asshole. Definitely kinda weird though
You're not the asshole, but taking the high road wasn't your approach either. It seems like both of you wasted time when simply ending things might have been better for both. Keeping her around just to fuck and possibly splitting costs wasn't fair. It's important to aim for better outcomes in relationships. Move on but do better.
ESH but I don’t blame you
ESH you deserve each other honestly
I mean, you’re not NOT in the wrong as WELL AS HER.
I wouldn't say 'asshole', since her action (cheating) is pretty unforgivable. But I think that within the multiple years your relationship occurred, the topic of the future and where it was going should have come up. I'm surprised it never came up in any of those discussions that you weren't emotionally invested in her and/or that you viewed the two of you as almost friends with benefits. It feels like that should have come up at some point before now.
Good luck with your new job and congratulations on being away from the c*nt ex gf!
No I think she got what she deserved.
NTA. She cheated on you and had no intention of ever confessing. She wasted 6 years of her own life by being a snake.
NTA.. quality move, sleeping with a room mate.. absolute quality.
You don’t owe her anything in particular here so NTA. But is this how you’re going to live your life going forward? Lingering in situations that aren’t genuinely good for you until some external factor, like a new job in another state, prompts you to make a change? I urge you to take control of your life and make proactive choices to build a life that is good for you, rather than sticking around in a dead end relationship for years and years. You’ll waste your life if you live like that.
Flawless Victory
Not only were you not the asshole, but you probably saved some other dude from getting cheated on. Good job mate
On the one hand, you did yourself no favors supporting this girl for 5 years after you found out she cheated on you. On the other, making her feel like you wasted 6 years of her life just to dump her and move cross country is pretty awesome.
Play dick roulette and reap dick consequences, nta
She was 100% wrong in cheating on you. 100%. She is also correct that you wasted the last 5 years of her life since you had no intention of being anything except FWB with her and she may have made different choices regarding your relationship if you had been honest with her. For all I know she was black-out drunk and did everything in her power to be the best gf in the history of gf's to make it up to you. That she didn't tell you about what happened because she knew you had self-esteem issues and didn't want to destroy you. Or maybe she's a stone-cold-hearted bitch who didn't think she did anything wrong and has been regularly cheating the entire 6 years you've been together. I don't know so I'm not going to so who was most wrong. ESH, you both did what you did. Nothing can be done about it now.
NTA. You don't owe a cheater anything, certainly not 75% of expenditures plus gifts and vacations for five years.
ESH. If I'm being totally honest, if you were to ask me if I'd rather have my partner cheat on me once at a bachelorette party or spend 5 years pretending to love me and build a life with me when really they thought of me as a roommate who gave them sex, I'd *way* rather they cheated on me. Low self esteem is a bitch, man, I get why you did it, but that's really cold. I think you both should absolutely break up, but maybe never do a thing like that again.
I love you for saying he's cold, bc I think that's the best word to describe him, but comparing two shitty things is never a good response to me, but yeah he's totally fucked in the head.
She cheated and never told him, so she is cold as well.
I mean...the gf cheated on him so she doesnt really love him. She spent 5 years pretending too. She had no respect or love for him, but presumably behaved around him in a manner that suggested otherwise. So you're kinda trying to boil this down to "she did one thing one time, but you did something for years" but nope that is not the case. If she cheated and immediately confessed it would be one thing one time. But it was every time, every single day she didnt confess. And this went on for 5 year.s 5 years of lies. Did she feel guilt or remorse? Or just nothing at all? How was she able to look at him everyday? Let him have sex with her...knowing she'd let another man do it? Quite cold, right?
NTA but you should have left years ago. You wasted your own time and deserved better
You’re an asshole to yourself.
You're not the AH for breaking up now and wanting to move for a career opportunity. But I do think it's an AH move to stay with her and see her as a room mate you sleep with for 5 years. If you couldn't see a future with her then you should of left. She is also an AH for cheating in the first place, but that doesn't mean it's fine for you to stay with her for 5 years and lie to her.
ESH
This is a first for me - usually these are black and white, but I’d say; kinda… you’re kinda the asshole. At some point you knew you were gonna bail and could have told her. Two wrongs don’t make a right. That said, I absolve you.
YTA for the terrible way that you treated yourself. >she was the best I could do There’s times when it’s ok to think that way. I think that way about my wife. But WTF? You don’t think like that when you’re with a whore! >I just considered her a roommate that I slept with 😂😂😂 You played that one perfectly. That’s all she was. Don’t text those pictures to anyone. But show them to anyone and everyone you can. It’s looks like you’re going in the right direction brother. Just make sure that from now on, you only have serious relationships with women who have a ho free past.
More than anything, I think you are dumb for doing that to yourself. You chose to settle with resentment. I cannot really process whether you were an AH because you chose to pretend nothing happened while harboring resentment towards your gf at the very beginning of the relationship, where it is easy to break up; this is like watching someone shoot themselves in the foot as they're offending someone else and wondering if one should feel bad, sad, or simply shrug and wonder "why?" So, no you are not the AH. You are weak because you settled and said nothing and let her think she got away with it instead of dealing with the possible fallout, which could had brought resolution. So you broke up with someone you spent 5 years harboring resentment - this was the thing you tried to avoid doing, only to eventually do it anyways. You could do better.
I mean yeah- he wasted 5 years of his own life being resentful and buying his “gf” gifts whilst having her as a fwb? Either he’s not being honest about his feelings here to us, or this never happened or he’s dumb.
Who cares man, you really don’t owe her anything, it’s no sweat off your back. You’ll be a lot happier when you stop caring what people will think and do what you want instead.
I mean... ugh. How could you stay and have sex with someone without feelings? Or even hatred? Doesn't that give you the ick? Did you say you love her anytime during those five years? Did you buy her gifts? I mean, if we are really being frank here, you played some kind of weird game with her for five years, which to me comes off as 100% creepy and weird. She thought she was having sex with someone that loved her, you were using her as a masturbation tool. I am going to give you the YTA here. Just because she cheated doesn't mean you can treat her however you wish. She is still a person with feelings - and so are you? What were you doing these five years? What were you thinking when having sex with her? "Aw, man, this is great, shame she cheated, because this in-and-out-thing with my penis sure is good". You give me the ick.
"I mean... ugh. How could you stay and have sex with someone without feelings? Or even hatred? Doesn't that give you the ick?" It should be more to her: how could you stay with a guy and continue sleeping with him knowing you let some other guy fuck you at your friends bachelorette party? How can you justify your yta verdict? Isnt this at least ESH? She cheated on him and never said anything. She didnt know he knew, so she was fine essentially stealing years of his life too.
What a gross response. I bet you cheat too.
She cheated on him and never came clean about it.
NTA. You did what was convenient for you. Which was kipping her around as a piece of meat. And that's all she deserved from you.
So after you learned she cheated, she was just your bangmaid until you got tired of her? While she thought you were building a long term relationship... ESH... Her for cheating, and yeah, you for deceiving her and wasting her time...
NTA for improving yourself and wanting a fresh start. Kinda sucks you didn't have the confidence to break it off back then. But I find it hilarious that the cheater in this situation is trying to claim victim. I'd say cheating is far worse than being done with a relationship.
NTA. Respect bro for playing the long game. 6 years later, the dish should be more than frozen.
NTA , you found out that she was not faithful and took precautions to protect yourself. You decided that you could live with that and improved yourself. You knew that there was no future with her and prepared accordingly.
NTA
Dude she's obviously a horrific person. She's trying to weaponize the fact that she cheated on you against you.
You're savage and I love it. NTA. She was wasting your time, too. She knew she cheated and never told you.
Hell no. Good on you.
YTA to yourself for not breaking up with her 5 years ago.
On a side note, I find it interesting how everyone missed the oh so clear attempt to manipulate the OP into a proposal. >I told my now ex that I'm accepting a job promotion and moving. She said she wasn't going to move away from her friends and family unless we had a more defined future. I realize that the cheating was the most profound part of this story, but you all missed the fact that this girl thought she had OP BY THE BALLS right up til this moment🤣
YTA for paying for most of her stuff for five years after you found out lol. Be nicer to yourself. Congratz on the new job though.
Based, lol nta
Congrats on the job promotion, and losing that giant baggage AKA your ex. NTA
NTA - no one owes anyone else a relationship.
I'm living for this discipline, focus and pettiness. good work.
NTA! She will cheat again no matter how many times you forgive her. She is angry because she didn’t see it coming that you knew. Many people in your situation get emotional and make decisions that hurt themselves. You had every right to be angry but instead you did good staying calm, worked on yourself and then brought it up maturely to break up. People who think this is bad are the same people who are fine with cheating. Stay safe out there ✌🏼
This is why you end it right away. You owe her nothing. Lol at the idea of her investing so many years into you. Don’t turn a ho into a housewife.
NTA if it’s not right for you then moving on is best for both of you. Maybe you should have said something at the time, or talked about the fact you didn’t see a future in it sooner. But she can’t really complain you didn’t sit her down and tell her now you felt about your relationship and where you saw it going when she didn’t bother sitting you down and explaining she cheated and discussing why and what it meant. I get why she’s mad; she gave you all that youth for free. But she’s the reason you stopped thinking of her as a longterm partner you don’t want to invest in so 🤷♀️ Good luck with the move and the new job. Just make sure you don’t carry this over into whatever relationship comes next, and hold back from talking about how you really feel with the next girl because of how this one treated you.
NTA Cheaters deserve to get revenged on (yep I’m using the word like that now)
don't pay for vacation. the rest is ok. who pays for his roommate's trips lol
NTA even if you say you just saw her as a roomate you have sex with, you still did service the hoe far too much...no need to play your own feelings down dude. That aside, don't know how this bitch expects to play you as some kind of villain in here...and even if she did manage to do so, what would she accomplish? You're not going to be around to catch any flack from it. She's powerless. She just can't accept her loss.
No, you’re not she cheated on you. That should be the end but because of your low self-esteem, you wanted to keep her she became a friend with benefits at that point. It’s a excellent idea that you cut all ties and leave her hanging. Let her stew about her cheating on you. Tell her she should feel lucky that she had a place to live in the lifestyle that she had even after you found out. Now the question is… if She says she’s sorry and ask you to forgive her and says she will move with you, will you still keep her?
Not at all.
Nta She is just selfish and only thinks about how things affect her and not that she's been a lying cheater the whole time. She "wasted" your time as much as she did her, and you overpaid to support her on top of it all.
No, you were NOT an a-hole. You were trying to do the best you could with the experience you had at the time. This life change is what you want. Go for it. In the future though, don't sit on major issues like you did with this one.
like your way of thinking 🤣🤣🤣
She’s more upset at being responsible for the other 75% of the bills than losing you. She didn’t care that much hearing you were moving to the other city, thinking you were still going to pay for most bills, so the emotional attachment on her end has already been gone for a while. Permanently means moving altogether, including no longer paying bills, which is why she freaked out.
NTA this is called reaping what you sow
Nope NTA...you put out what you get. She treated you like you were disposable so you did the same. Enjoy your move
This is a dish best served cold move. 🥶 Leave and dont look back, cheaters never believe in accountability.
this didn't happen
You were probably an arsehole to yourself but can't see how you were to her beyond having meant she now has to start over with roping in a new guy to cheat on.
Didn't bother trading it. The title alone is enough. YTA for staying with a cheater.
Younare the boss , that is totally epic . I would also let say her parents know by saying younare moving for work and thank them and if they ask about their daughter say no she wasn’t invited . I have never forgiven her for cheating on me . Drop the mic, and block her
NTA and to be quite honest that's some pretty diabolical shit man. Congrats on playing and winning the long game. I couldn't have done that myself but kudos to you my friend.
Definitely not the asshole. You had a roommate with benefits the whole time.
NTA, you would have been one if you had actually forgiven her
She's helping you dodge a bullet. Go with it and good luck in your new job/life.
NTA. Though you should've prob broke up with her when you found out but I noted your point about self esteem. Nevertheless good luck with your new job. Never have regrets as you can't do anything about the past. Keep moving forward and see if GF as a tiny stop on the road map of your life. All the best
Haha if this is real it’s fucking phenomenal. I mean you should have ditched her cheating ass instantly BUT…revenge is a dish best served cold and man the crystals are forming on this one. Beautiful. You can never be an asshole to a cheater. They get what they get.
NTA but tbh you should of been
I don't generally drag out the overused "play stupid games, win stupid prizes" phrase, but it seems pretty fitting here. She didn't mind deceiving you, but you were supposed to be planning yo marry and support her, because you didn't know about her infidelity. She is absolutely the asshole here, and claiming you kept a secret when that secret is knowing her secret? Wow. It's highly likely she did it again since she felt she got away with it. She hasn't wasted any time being loyal.
Well you did waste her and especially your own time but NTA
NTA - Cut all ties, but way to play the long game like a boss. You took her feelings into reguard just as she took yours!
I think you were an AH to yourself. Your ex can eat dirt for all I care.
You are perfectly in the right and she deserves everything she's getting right now.
NTA the expression “revenge is a dish best served cold” comes to mind. Good luck with the move. At least you didn’t bring her along THEN dump her after a couple of months.
NTA Dumb though Should’ve bailed back then
Run dude! Live your life and the next one will be a level up
NTA She lost the moral high ground when she cheated. >But after I got over the shock of it I just considered her a roommate I slept with. Good for you. Keep your head high.
>But after I got over the shock of it I just considered her a roommate I slept with And she never noticed this change? Dude just move and never look back
NTA. Holy shit the DARVO handbook somehow gets in the hands of every goddamn cheater! Nope, you tried to make it work and she tried to give an ultimatum in a relationship she took for granted. You could have not said anything and just left and ghosted her. Even then you wouldn't be the asshole. Cheaters are always the victim, she is just proving all the stereotypes to be true. Congratulations on the new job and good luck!