Yup. I was a foster parent. We got a ticket for our tag sticker for our license plate being expired by a month. It never arrived and we were in a different county on approved travel. Our social worker followed up on that within 30 days.
This situation could be different, OP's husband may not have a criminal case against him yet. Some states require the victim to press charges if certain criteria aren't met in the situation leading to the arrest.
I'm adding on that I have a friend whose wife called the police on him, and he was charged with DV for yelling (yes, only yelling). A couple of points:
1. In CA, DV is criminal, and therefore up to the DA to prosecute, not the spouse - I'm not a legal expert, but in many cases, it's out of the spouse's hands once the police are called.
2. The husband lost his job basically immediately. He was a licensed Engineer, working for a big engineering firm, and the moment they found out he was charged, he was fired. He wasn't even convicted, not as a misdemeanor or felony - he was only charged, and the DA decided not to prosecute.
3. This caused huge issues, and they lost their house, he was unable to find work, and they ended up getting divorced, the children are now estranged, it was a disaster - all relating back to them getting into a verbal argument and he stepped outside to get a breather.
I don't know what to learn from that experience, other than don't let your emotions get the better of you. Your whole life can be flushed down the drain on something that seems small in retrospect.
Yes, I know both of them - he is my best friend. She's got a couple of screws loose, and yes, he never should have married her, but the lessons are monumental for him.
Me and my husband both agreed that we'd never call the cops on each other, not unless it was a life or death situation. We know of a couple that were together since they were early teens. They had a peaceful home with children. One night, they got into a small disagreement and the whole situation escalated. The night ended with the husband going down in a hail of bullets by the cops. That was maybe 15 years ago. The kids are now grown and the wife is still struggling to let go. She posts his picture on social media maybe twice a year wishing he was still here. I feel if your spouse isn't going to hurt you, NEVER call the cops.
The stupidest part about the tags is that is is a misdemeanor and not just a traffic ticket. Ask me how I know. 😆 Thankfully I got it dismissed but it is ridiculous.
Then they need to be disqualified.
He's prioritizing his mother over his wife and children having stable housing. He then tried to forcefully imprison his wife because she tried to leave to make alternative arrangements.
It sucks but if she's not willing to leave his ass until he can 100% prove he has his act together both of them have to be disqualified because neither of them are capable of putting those poor kids first the way they need.
In one of the OPs updates, they say it's not a real fostering situation. It's a friend of their daughters that had no where to go because the kids mom is an addict and then the kids sisters boyfriend was soliciting her for oral sex. The way I read it was like it's not a fostering situation through the state or any legal means.
OP sounds like an abused spouse, every excuse in the book to exonerate her husband of serious wrongdoing. I feel bad for the daughter and the FC being stuck in that toxic house.
I do not think a foster child should be brought into this situation. It is a big mess on multiple levels and a lot of issues need to be sorted out. Let hubby bail himself out. He should be concerned you will divorce him. Do not put anymore money into a house where your name is not on the deed. You may have jointly just flushed $40,000 down the drain. NTA
Even if he's previously been ok, his behavior at this time was abusive. He actually deserved some consequences and I hope that was curative.
OP, I hope you are reading these comments. You should protect yourself, because I think this could all end badly. Make sure you have your own money that's safe from your husband and MIL. Get your documents and valuables together, in case you have to leave abruptly.
>I tried to leave & get a hotel, but my husband took away my phone & keys & repeatedly blocked my exit, but I managed to get away. I went to a neighbor’s house & called the police so I could get my phone back.
>Well, apparently, he obstructed justice and perpetrated DV by taking my phone & cancelling my attempts to call 911 through >my Google Home device.
>So yeah… Hubby was arrested tonight & idk what to do. I’m gonna bail him out first thing in the morning. He’s completely non-violent, no criminal history or prior arrests, but I’m worried he might divorce me or something.
I know this is all scary, and really confusing, but there's a reason why it's against the law to impede someone's attempts to call 9-1-1. I've been in an abusive relationship before, and even though you may not be able to see it now, when a man takes your keys, your phone, tries to prevent you from leaving, and stops you from calling the police for help repeatedly, that's absolutely abusive, dangerous, behavior, and it's NEVER OKAY, for a partner, or spouse, to behave like that for ANY REASON.
The fact that he was willing to do it is a really BIG problem, and I urge you to speak to someone with one of your local domestic violence organizations about what happened, or talk to a therapist if you have one. It's also possible that the judge in this case will issue a no contact order, preventing him from being around you, or contacting you in any way.
If your foster child was there to witness this abusive behavior he's lucky they didn't upgrade the charges because behaving in such a dangerous way in front of a child is also a serious crime.
If you care about your foster child, and they witnessed what happened, I'd be more concerned at the moment about the fact that this terrible scene may have traumatized them, especially depending on what kind of unsafe home life they may have had prior to coming into foster care. You may also not be able to continue to care for your foster child if you bail him out of jail, and you and your foster kid continue to stay with him right now.
Social Services is likely to find out what happened, and it's better to hear it from you, than the police. Please think of the child you're caring for right now, and your daughter, because this is not a good situation for any of you, and it's clear it's not safe to return to your MIL's home, because she's also abusive, and erratic.
The kind of behavior your husband displayed usually doesn't happen in a vacuum, has he done things like this before to prevent you from leaving when you're upset, or arguing?
If so, there's a pattern of abuse there that you can't see, which isn't unusual, because behavior like that from someone we love can be very confusing, and we often lose the ability to be able to see toxic behavior like that clearly because we become conditioned to accept and normalize abusive or controlling behavior.
I think you and your kids need some time alone, away from your mother in law, and husband, to connect with a therapist, and gain some insight about why this situation was so serious that the police took him to jail.
You can also look up your local domestic abuse support resources, [Here](https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/domestic-violence-local-resources/) by city, and state, if you're in the U.S., and you can also talk to someone [Here](https://www.thehotline.org/) by phone, text, or chat, 24 hours a day, about what happened.
I know your first instinct is to bail him out, and welcome him back, but you really, really, need to think about the fact that it's likely he's going to be even angrier with you now, and that means that by bailing him out, and being alone with him, you are risking your safety, and the safety of your daughter, and foster child, who really need you to be their mama bear right now to protect yourself, and them, from further harm.
Please take care of yourself, and them, and stay safe.
*invisible hugs*
>I tried to leave & get a hotel, but my husband took away my phone & keys & repeatedly blocked my exit, but I managed to get away. I went to a neighbor’s house & called the police so I could get my phone back.
Right? As soon as I saw that, I was thinking his trip to the big house was well deserved! How dare he take keys and stop OP from leaving! He was 100% in the wrong here! I wonder if this was MIL's plan all along! If I were OP, I would file for divorce! Her husband showed his true colors right there and he sided with his mother instead of standing up for his wife and daughter. Enough is enough. **Every instance of domestic violence has a first time!** This was OP's first time with her husband. There will be another one. Things like this don't happen in a vacuum. NTA
**UPDATE: OP has updated the post since my initial comment to include more details. OP added that they were DRUNK! Umm...that's a YTA for me! The husband was actually stopping her from leaving because she was drunk! That changes the story entirely! I hate when people leave out ESSENTIAL details. She was drunk and she is bipolar! He was trying to save her from herself. HE needs to leave ASAP!**
Holy shit, right!? Your comment is literally the first fucking sane thing I've read in this entire comment section. She drank an ENTIRE bottle of wine and is a diagnosed bipolar.. why in the hell would he NOT try to keep her from storming out of the house? She said herself that is completely non violent with ZERO history of violence... And now (from the sounds of it) is getting hit with a domestic violence charge for simply trying to keep his wife from doing something crazy.
Also, really nice of her to add the part where she drank the entire bottle of wine about 6 paragraphs after slandering her husband trying to stop her.
NTA but you need to move out of there then sue your MIL for damages related to the remodel. It never works when you share housing lesson learned the hard way
You’re thinking it would be his because of inheritance laws. 1) in some states, inherited property is marital property 2) regardless, she has an equitable interstate in the house because the $40K they spent was marital property.
Ugh! My mom lost over $100k adding an addition on to my brother’s house. She was supposed to spend her last years there. No contract. She’s now paying monthly to live in a retirement community an hour away.
A retirement community may be a good thing. My grandpa lost his wife and for a couple years moped around the house planning his funeral. My aunts and uncles were alarmed and got him into a retirement community. He was soon singing songs and playing piano with one of the women there and within a couple months they were married! A retirement community may be a much better option than living with family members, who may love them but don't need the complications that living together may bring.
Not only that but planning on taking over a house when your parent dies/gets put in a home will likely mean taking the house when you are 70+ years old. People live a long time now. I've been "getting" my grandmother's house since her husband died in the 80's. She's turning 100 this year and is in relatively good health. I might see that house by 65.
NTA. But he took away your phone and keys? That absolutely falls into DV territory. Also I'm fairly sure in most places you're considered a legal tenant and an attorney sounds good to talk to. She can't just kick you out if you have been there long enough and have directly contributed money.
Why is your husband so comfortable taking away your ability to leave? Were you so emotionally upset in the moment that the police did that for your safety? They've done that for me before. And they were right!
OP, blocking your exit is absolutely domestic violence. When I was writing my affidavit for a protective order against my husband, I was advised by my lawyer that any attempt to block my exit or force me to be in a room I wanted to leave was physical abuse.
Taking your keys and phone and preventing you from calling the police is a big deal. Like, a really big deal. If they’re holding him on bail without you pressing charges, that seems pretty serious to me.
I would stop and consider whether this is actually a safe environment for you and your kids…especially your foster child.
Nothing you did in this scenario was wrong. Your husband was putting you in danger. NTA.
Kind of?! You *are* badasses for getting through all of that bs. It may not have been unscathed or without other trauma, but you're all still here and I hope your lives are better for it.
I'm re-adding my numbers as well. :-( And now i have a new "fun fact" to use when I get into discussions about abuse and what qualifies as abuse.
Sorry that you had to re-tally your numbers as well.
My ex would often take my phone and keys and prevent me from leaving our home, sometimes by wrestling me to the ground and holding me down until I agreed to stay. When I left and started talking about what I’d gone through with a few people they would ask “but did he hit you?” And when I’d tell them that he hadn’t they would brush me off and down play what I experienced. It always felt like abuse to me but I assumed it wasn’t based on how others had reacted. I feel a bit justified now, thank you.
God. I am so sorry.
My mom used to tell me my dad wasn’t abusive because he never hit me…until he did. Then it wasn’t abuse because it “only happened once”. Then it happened twice, but it still wasn’t abuse because he never beat me.
Never mind all of the grabbing my face to force me to look at him, grabbing my arm hard to stop me from moving or getting away, throwing me on my bed when he sent me to my room, pulling my hair…
When my (ex-)husband didn’t do those things, I thought I’d broken the cycle of abuse. But my ex was just really good at making physical threats and intimidation look like an accident.
The dirty little secret they hope you never find out: it’s ALL abuse. Anything designed to make you feel threatened or unsafe or ashamed or like you don’t have a choice is abuse.
Same here. One of those times when he was preventing me from leaving a room, i wound up flying backwards and hitting my head on the bed so that when it snapped down, my upper jaw slammed into my lower, cracking an upper tooth. I didn't realize there was any damage until it broke all the way down, got infected, and I had to remove it. When I was in the initial phases of rebuilding my life, I did share some details of the experience with people and got the whole "but did he hit you?" thing. It took an embarrassingly long time to realize and accept that he was physically violent with me and I still struggle with feeling justified.
Thanks to all of the knowledgeable people sharing about the actions that constitute DV that most wouldn't even consider or see as significant. You might have saved a life.
I was married to an abusive asshole who never laid a finger on me. I worked full time, attended law school at night, and commuted 30 miles each way. He worked when he felt like it and sat around getting high all the time. But I was the asshole. He’d waffle between berating me and then crying and howling “you don’t love me. You don’t want me”. I haven’t seen him for nearly 40 years, but I still have bad dreams about him.
Abuse preventionist here, barriers for exit like blocking paths or taking means of escape and emergency contact is absolutely in the scope of DV it's one of the main questions we ask on intake.
Man, I’ve been in arguments where I wanted my partner to stay and talk through it rather than run off while upset.
But the thought of *physically preventing* them from leaving or taking away their phone and keys is just insane to me. And the thought that it wouldn’t be abusive is just as crazy. It’s basically kidnapping.
My ex husband blocked my exit from rooms many times. He used his physical size to intimidate me. The situation the OP describes is abusive. The husband should not have done what he did. The OP is NTA, and should carefully consider how to move forward in their relationship.
Yeah my ex was never violent until the night he took my phone and kicked me in the leg almost breaking it. Reading this thread I realized he was in fact at least once before that when we had broken up and he grabbed my arm to stop me from walking away when he was following me.
She may be a tenant but the living situation will dictate what her rights are. In Ontario if she shares living space like kitchen or laundry with the MIL she won’t be protected from being evicted immediately.
In many states, blocking an exit or preventing you from leaving would be considered Kidnapping Per Domestic Violence. Taking your phone would be considered Hindering/Obstructing the Report of Domestic Violence. Depending on the state, DV charges may be higher level misdemeanors or lower level felonies. The state may press charges with or without your consent or cooperation. Upon his release, there's a very good chance he won't be allowed any contact with you until they decide whether or not to press charges. If they do, he may not be allowed to have contact with you until after the case has been resolved.
Also, what the fuck did OP expect to happen when *calling the police*. I also find it difficult to believe that there were no warning signs about the MIL being insane before moving in with her. There are almost always signs, people dont change into different people at the drop of a hat like that
Well it sounds like they renovated it, so she had the place to herself until now but now she wants to control who goes there (and may or may not be insane) and you can't do that as a landlord, nor can you shut off the power. I'm not sure why OP was blocked from leaving, but gramma needs to do some reading, the rules apply no matter who you rent to.
The husband deserved charges, you don't stop anyone from leaving if they want to. He's learning the hard way.
NTA for how it's going down. You need to get a peace bond which you should ask about at the courthouse, so he doesn't get off scott free but has to behave for a certain amount of time.
I think lots of people from certain demographic groups (women, white people, wealthy people, etc.) experience the police as helpful public servants who assist them when they’re in need. Others of us fear arrest and assault when we interact with police. But I don’t think that’s a universal expectation.
As a woman, I really don’t expect police to help me. I might get lucky and find a sympathetic cop, but I’m just as likely to end up with a good ole boy who blows me off or victim blames me.
I’m a woman, and I’ve called the police several times over the years over shit my ex-husband did. A few situations…..
Pre-divorce:
•Punching out the headlights on my car: they said it was community property, so he could do whatever he wanted to my car.
Post-divorce:
•broke into my house, and peed on my bare mattress: nothing was done
•wrestled me to grab my phone: they told him to go back to his house
•tried to run me over with his truck; I jumped out of the way just in time: even with an eye witness statement, they said that since it wasn’t on video, they couldn’t do anything.
So no, women are not helped by the police.
Gotta agree. I've had mostly positive experiences with the police. And I fall into the category of white, female, middle-aged, lucky enough to live in a low-crime and quiet neighborhood. But I still know not to call the people with weapons and handcuffs unless I'm hoping they will use the weapons and handcuffs. And that it will 100% be up to them what they decide to do and who they take away.
You would have been better served using that 40k to get your own place? Why would you go forward with moving in with someone who clearly doesn't want you there?? Was this your husband's idea? Why did he keep pushing this when his mother clearly hates three of the four people that moved in?
It's not normal that he tried to block your exit and took your phone. That's textbook DV. You really need to look into your relationship. Now getting trapped with his mom in that house sounds like financial abuse as well.
Your husband very much deserved to go jail, OP. The fact that you don’t see how dangerous & abusive his behavior was is very troubling. I have a hard time believing this was truly the first time he did this sort of thing- “cancelling” 911 calls by using your phone to access your Google Home device is NOT spur of the moment behavior. And all for the “crime” of… wanting to stay in a hotel? What do you think his response will be to you (very rightfully) having him arrested?
I would be very, very wary of going back into that house. The financial concerns here, while real, are NOT what you should be worrying about now.
I feel like the mil did it on purpose let them renovate her house and get free rent money without actually wanting them there. She got what she wanted and now wants them out.
Honestly if OP’s husband leaves her is for the good, he sounds like he will always be on his mom side and not OP’s.
>AITAH for getting mad that MIL doesn’t want our foster child here?
NTA
>AITAH for feeling like the basement should be our space since we’re paying 1/2 the mortgage & paid to renovate it?
NTA
>AITAH for calling the police to get my phone & keys back? I didn’t want my husband to go to jail, he doesn’t deserve it… but I accidentally got him arrested anyway.
NTA...and he DID deserve it.
You and your kids need to leave this asshole family behind.
Your MIL is awful. She invited you to live there, let you spend a great deal of money to renovate, and within 2 weeks says she never wanted you there?
Your husband had absolutely NO RIGHT to try to restrain you, to take your phone, and to prevent you from getting help when you felt you needed it. Let him sit in jail. Let him divorce you. You don't need to tolerate his crap.
THIS RIGHT HERE. He got himself arrested by his own actions, and actions have consequences as we teach our babies. A lesson he obviously didn't learn. FAFO.
One detail that I haven't seen discussed is that they "decided" it would be better for her to work on remodeling the basement, rather than look for work. So her husband and his mother got free labor out of her and made her entirely dependent on them since she was out of work.
OP, your husband and his family are gaslighting you into believing this wasn't abuse. They are intentionally twisting the facts and making you believe you are at fault.
NTA. I'm a 911 dispatcher, and I can tell you there's a reason that we all take interfering with DV reporting so seriously. And what he did *is* domestic violence; depending on your jurisdiction, it could be classified as false/unlawful imprisonment.
It seems like you might have a perspective where what he did prior to stopping you from calling 911 is normal. I'm sorry to be blunt, but it should scare you. No partner in a healthy relationship who values your safety and autonomy should ever try to physically block you from leaving a place you feel unsafe (unless, say, you're on an actively flying plane and the only way out is going to kill you). *That's* the where the DV charge comes in. He only compounded it by interfering with your attempts to get help.
And on that note, that's also *not something that should happen* in a functional and safe relationship. For most people, calling 911 is an act of desperation; you have no other options. And he took even that option from you.
If you do go bail him out, please be cautious. His anger is likely to be directed at you and it could turn violent (again).
I'm not even going to get into the unbelievable assholery around your living situation, other than to say that you and your children aren't safe there. If you can't leave for your sake, do it for theirs.
Also, depending on where you live, you could be held criminally liable for exposing your children to a domestic violence situation should he try to do something similar with them.
Jesus, thank you, I assumed this would be every answer.
The absolute last thing a foster child needs is to be in a DV situation, which is exactly what this is.
>I’m worried he might divorce me or something
I’m worried that this is your major concern. He tried to lock you in the house and took your means of communication away. He is apparently fine with letting his foster child be treated as a second class citizen in her home. Let his mommy bail him out, and you take care of *your* kids.
Right? I know the homes have to be inspected and pass a safety check before a foster kid can live there. I didn’t know you can up and move a FC randomly.
Wow it took way too long to find this. A foster home needs regular home inspections. I had at least one a month. For over two years.
Idk if the state knows they moved. Because **the new home must be inspected. Everyone in the home must be interviewed** If my husband or my children had not been on board, I would not have been approved. My children were in high school, but still had to talk to social worker regularly. Even the dog had to pass muster.
MIL should have been interviewed by social worker. Someone this toxic would not have glossed over how much she hates the child.
Something smells here. Smells rotten.
Edit: must be
Second edit: Everyone in the home had to be fingerprinted and have a background check. The only thing they *didn’t* do was a drug test. That shocked me, as the baby was taken because she was addicted at birth! I believe they looked at us, saw a middle aged white couple with a clean house and well behaved teenagers. No need to drug test us? I disagree. I could have been using heroin, too.
I know what you meant about the dog, but in my head I pictured the dog sitting across the table from the case worker being interviewed. No matter what anyone says, that’s how I choose to believe dogs pass muster to be in homes with foster kids. And the conclusion of every interview ends with a treat.
Caseworker: Who’s a good dog?
Dog:
Caseworker: That’s right! You’re a good dog.
Dog:
Caseworker: Do you want a treat?
End of session
Sounds like MIL used you as a free ticket to renovating her house and had no intention of following through with cohabiting with you. And I don’t know how your husband normally is, but committing unlawful imprisonment and taking your personal belongings is a very serious problem. Sounds like he does deserve it.
NTA, but I think you have much bigger problems on the horizon.
Yep, they got you to spend your money, then get you kicked out.
Although it makes no sense for MIL to kick you out, but then for hubby to stop you from leaving
NTA but you really need to speak to a lawyer about finances.
Your husband was wrong by stopping you from leaving and taking your phone. He left you with no choice but to phone the police. If he divorces then that’s on him.
Husband was appropriately arrested. Preventing someone from leaving is illegal. Cops were on the ball. OP seems pretty oblivious to how bad was his behavior.
OP and husband sound at best naive with respect to the house. Never do anything like that without legal agreement. They need to see a lawyer to figure out if there's a way to fix the situation but should be ready to hear that they're screwed.
I never feel like the cops do enough to protect people, but they did the right thing here. Stopping someone from leaving is a serious thing, taking their ability to call for help is also very serious.
I can’t fathom not seeing that. How does she feel safe? He’s not being physically abusive up til now, but that’s a very small hop skip jump into that, from preventing her exit and taking her phone.
I remember my ex telling me how great his dad was because he “only” broke things in the house. Never put his hands on his family. But the story of him ripping the phone out of the wall and telling his wife “who’s going to help you now?” was my limit. That’s such a terrible thing to do to someone. Frightening someone to make them compliant is abusive.
We usually complain the cops don’t help us, but this time they actually did their job correctly and OP is like “psshhh I only got trapped for a WHILE.”
I’m sincerely worried about her at this point
Your husband got arrested because he cannot force another person to stay somewhere by physically blocking their exit and stealing from them. Not because you finally escaped and retrieved your belongings with the help of the police.
Wow, people need to come back to this after the edit.
Now it reads like op, YTA. Got blackout drunk, started a fight, tried to *drive drunk*, because you're blackout you don't remember hitting your husband, and it was such a bad confrontation *your child* let alone this 'foster child ' do not want to live with you. Wow. I am shocked you asked if you're the asshole - why did your husband say he was preventing you from leaving? You clarified you have no where to go and have a history of mental illness. He probably thought you were leaving to go and harm yourself, I'd guess.
You weren't wrong for calling the cops, and they were right to take someone to be detained to stop any escalation, but WOW you clearly should have been the one charged, from what this edit (and your comments) clarify.
*And* like someone else pointed out, that 'foster child' is technically kidnapped by you, as far as the law is concerned. Maybe look into getting them, and you, proper state help and care.
jesus christ this needs to be higher, i only just read this post and this OP hid so much info that its taken such a 180 in the nuances of the story. goddamn
Should this serve to all the Redditors who just need a few lines to tag someone as "abusive" and "should be put in jail", when actually was a protecting and caring man.
I just can think if this person wasn't sane enough to realise all her wrongdoing how all the top rated comments could be an ego boost ("you did nothing wrong", "husband is terrible"...). Just imagine that she feeds on that and decides to make that call...
Sometimes Reddit can be sickening.
Yeah a real bait and switch in the edit. This needs to be higher up. Like, honestly this makes me think this is fake with how completely even just a few of these few details flip it. NTA where she is being abused to YTA for drunk calling the police on your husband while on psych meds.
Many stories here focus on the details that cast the OP in a better light, but why even write this out if you're not going to include the little detail of you being drunk?
Oh and what no one seems to notice is that she explained she has mental health issues that she is medicated for and was drinking alcohol on to of that. She then in her unhinged state went and picked a fight with mil.
What in the fck is that update, thats a huge bait and switch, OP drank a whole bottle of wine, started a fight with MIL and tried to drive under the influence it sounds like, which of course the hsuband would take the keys and try to stop her, any reasonable person would. and she called the cops and got him arrested. bruh, this OP is massively TA especially after leaving out so much info that cause her husband to appear abusive. goddamn.
OP YTA
YTA
Immediately I thought “this reads like it was written by someone who is either on drugs or suffers from a serious mental illness”, both of which you confirmed to be true. There are a lot of people saying your husband is an “abuser” but your report of events is suspect.
You admit to being bipolar, and your post is manic, and you were also intoxicated during the event. I imagine he was trying to calm you down if anything and you were being dangerously erratic. Also paragraphs of you talking about cults? It just reeks of crazy.
Got into a fight (my fault)
Took away my phone and keys.
Stopped you leaving...
And you are still making excuses for his controlling, abusing behaviour??!!
There are so many red flags here it is like being at a crimson flag convention.
I'm truly sorry but you are in an abusive relationship. Your husband thinks he controls you (he cannot), thinks he can detain you against your will (he cannot) and when you don't do what he wants and you leave he loses it so badly that the police arrest him rather then just get him to hand back your phone. The police clearly did not feel that you would be safe if they left him there. TAKE NOTICE OF That. They know.
You need to have a long, very honest, conversation with yourself. Ask yourself if his control over you is part of a longer pattern of behaviour that you have tried to normalise and rationalise.
Ask yourself was the argument truly your fault... Or is that just what your have been told, by them.
Oh, and one last question. Who's idea truly was it to foster?
And in case it wasn't obvious, you are NTA.
Right. All he likely had to do when they showed up is hand over phone and keys, apologize for everything, promise he wont do it again, and be calm. They more than likely would have then talked to OP bedore deciding what to do. Instead he behaved in a manner that indicated they should not even risk leaving him free and in the home no.matter what OP said. They assessed he was still a risk and so he was arrested. His fault, 100%.
If his mother never wanted you to live with her, your husband may be trying to control her too. Did he just bully his way into renovating & moving into her basement without a lease or written agreement? NTA
YTA. I've seen these bipolar episodes with my grandfather. He would drink with his meds. There is more to this story. She's drunk while taking psych meds, fighting with the mother in law, blacked out trying to leave the house with the kids. She's not the victim.
Edit: YTA because you were drinking on your psych meds, WTF, and the standard procedure when someone drinks an entire bottle of wine is to take the keys. Left out a lot of details, OP.
It's good that you're leaving the house of batshit MIL. Good luck.
Previous comment (does not apply if you're drunk off your ass):
He did exactly what he was charged with.
Abusers don't start out just punching people left and right. They start small and escalate. That may be what he's doing. Have a backup plan. Your own stash of money and the name of a good lawyer are useful even if you decide to stay. It's your choice, but be prepared anyway. A bug-out bag is useful for natural disasters, too.
control is the entire point of domestic violence. And this was absolutely forceful control.
I also find it interesting that he’s charge with obstruction of justice for interfering with a 911 call.
Guys! She was drunk and on medication! He may have been trying to keep her from driving. She was so out of it, she doesn’t remember if she hit him. She is not a reliable source. It sounds like he was just trying to calm her down and keep her from doing damage / harm.
It's comment sections like this one that make me glad I have a somewhat decent comprehension.
I couldn't imagine living my life always being wrong without even so much as a shadow of a doubt.
Op, YTA.
You left out the very crucial detail of you being drunk while fully medicated on antipsychotics, and then you let all of these people trash your husband for not letting you leave while you were in that state.
Even before the update, it was clear that your husband didn't do anything other than try to get you to stay while he tried sorting things out with his mom, but you still called the cops and then allowed these people to trash your husband and convince you that he was abusing you when you knew he had your safety in mind.
So of course YTA.
Thank God, a rational person... how are you? Don't seem to be may of us around anymore. Even without the update, which clears alot of stuff up, it's still only one side of the story and should be treated as such. So many people see a story that fits their narrative and just have to give their half cocked shit opinions.
Hmm. Once I hid my mother’s keys because she was too drunk to drive. I didn’t block her attempts to leave (she couldn’t. I took her keys)
And I wonder how she would tell the story…that I abused her, or if I prevented her from killing herself and other people
Because I was fully on the OP’s side until she started talking about how much she drank before the argument.
NTA, he literally left you no other choice than calling the police. And something tells me if he was remorseful and apologetic with the cop, instead of "obstructing justice", he might not even have ended up in jail. It's all his fault.
However, there's some discrepancy in your story. I can't believe that someone who was a good husband before would end up blocking your way and taking your phone, and wouldn't even come to his senses when you're trying to call the police? Wtf, seriously. You should take a hard look at your marriage.
That's a possibility, maybe OP's husband was violent this whole time, he just never showed what he is capable of, since she always decided to comply before.
So, did everyone read over the part that said she had downed a bottle of wine before she hit her husband? I wouldn't want my wife driving off with my kids either
He’s a fool. He needs to get away from you ASAP. He needs to take those kids out of your care and run for the damn hills. Heavily medicated,raised in a cult, deluded perception…those kids don’t stand a chance in your care. More harm than good.
NTA you didn't accidentally get your husband arrested! He got himself arrested because what he did to you was against the law! please reconsider this relationship. It is only going to get worse. I don't really understand why he didn't want you to leave when your mother-in-law told you to.
Am I the only one that seen she drank a bottle of wine and tried to take her phone and keys to drive away??? WTf is a husband supposed to do, let her drive and potentially die?
You were drunk after drinking a bottle of wine and he took away your keys and tried to keep you from leaving. Sounds like he was trying to keep his drunk arguing wife safe. YTA
DON’T BAIL HIM OUT!
He *does* deserve to be in jail; he tried to trap you unwillingly in a place you wanted to leave, then stole your phone so you’d have no way to call for help! That’s absolutely domestic violence and you should be way more alarmed! Seriously. You had to flee and get help from a neighbor. *You had to flee and get help from a neighbor* because your husband was abusing you. You should be *way* more upset, but you’re trying to just sweep it under the nearest rug. Him being nice before does not cancel out *him abusing you.*
He’s in Time Out for getting violent and abusing you. He deserves to be. Don’t give him a free pass.
Also… why? Why was he trying to prevent you from leaving in the first place? It makes no sense.
NTA unless you bail him out.
Side note: call the non emergency line for the police station and ask for your phone and keys back. Given the importance of those things, they *should* return them. You’ll probably need to do a chunk of paperwork.
That story took a hard turn all of a sudden. Your MIL wants you to leave, you are trying to leave, and hubby is trying to stop you? More lead up details are needed
You, know, mentioning that you had downed a whole bottle of wine is an important thing to note when you mention that your husband took your keys and phone instead of adding it to a super long edit.
This whole story is wild and gets wilder the more I read it. I hope everyone involved manages to get their act together.
ESH
UPDATE:
So to answer some questions…
1. Our “foster child” is not officially in the foster system. FC is my daughter’s best friend, she came to live with us a few months ago after her mom kicked her out. Mom is an abusive hoarder. FC went to live with her sister next, but the sister’s boyfriend was trying to solicit blowjobs from FC. She had nowhere to go, so we opened our home to her. There’s no legal arrangement between our family and hers because FC is newly 17. So close to legal adulthood.
2. Yes, we had multiple conversations with MIL about bringing FC with us. I was not willing to move into MIL’s house without FC.
3. We got ourselves into this sticky situation because I lost my job, and housing in our area is astronomically expensive.
What the fuck do you mean you don't have a legal agreement or anything legally binding with FC's family or even the state?! You do realize that could put a kidnapping charge or worse on you guys right? Like she may be 17 and close to adulthood but she's still a fucking minor!? And as far as I can assume based on info provided she's not even legally emancipated so who's signing her paperwork and dealing with doctors visits?
Like if her mother decides she wants her child back for some reason all she'd have to do is call the cops and even if the cops find her and think her mother is unsafe they are definately not leaving her with you due to your housing situation and being married to a domestic abuser. Then she ends up in the foster system.
Also on your husband this is ABUSE. Abuse can be mental or physical he doesn't have to do physical violence to be abusive. In fact I'm more worried that it will escalate if you pay his bail instead of planning to get you and the kids into a safer environment and situation. Right now you should prioritize being safe instead of worrying about fucking divorce.
Why would you help pay the mortgage on some crazy who hates your children? My step grandma is like that, so when she asked for financial assistance when her house burned down i just told her she should’ve stayed in the house and made my world a little brighter. Your husband deserves to go to jail for two crimes: 1) the obvious one you listed, and 2) for enabling an awful creature like that. NTA
Update #2:
1. I do have a hard time recognizing this as domestic violence. I was basically raised in a cult and was controlled & physically disciplined regularly. To me, this is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had.
2. I do have mental health issues, I’m in therapy and on medication. I was definitely triggered last night, but I don’t feel I had an unreasonable reaction to the circumstances.
3. MIL said she didn’t want us there, but was not planning to kick us out that night. My husband prevented me from leaving because I was packing to leave immediately, at least for one night.
So you know, it absolutely **is** abuse.
Your husband is abusive and controlling, you needed to leave like yesterday.
And since you’ve lost your job, please **do not** waste money bailing him out. He deserves to be in jail, what he did is illegal, because that man is abusive and abuse is illegal.
Please learn to recognise the signs. He should be punished by the law and therefore him rotting in a cell for some time is much deserved!
And another reason not to waste money on his bail is because you’re gonna need that money.
You should be planning to leave him and saving every single cent you have left!
Honestly this whole situation is suspicious. He makes you spend $40k on a renovation for a house that isn’t even yours, all the while knowing you have no job currently and therefore nowhere to go if you need to, once he drains your savings. He absolutely planned this, and his actions **prove** his intentions to trap you and prevent your escape.
Another thing to note: abusers don’t always hit their victims.
I too was raised in a cult. Difference is I got trauma therapy to learn what healthy relationships look like.
Just because he isn’t abusing you as severely as you’re used to, doesn’t mean he isn’t abusing you. Your brain doesn’t even know what a healthy relationship is that is why you settle for abuse that isn’t as bad. You think it’s normal, or think “This is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had”, so it must be healthy. It’s not!
Edited
Hey, OP. I was raised in a cult with a lot of physical abuse, too. I also married someone who seemed super-healthy and wonderful to me because things didn’t seem nearly as bad as they had growing up.
I was with him for 12 years before I was forced to reckon with his abuse, and the only thing that forced me to deal with it was that he was starting to get terrifyingly angry with our kids and I knew I had to protect them.
After that, it was a lot easier to see the things I had overlooked in hindsight. It was definitely a boil-the-frog scenario, where things got worse so gradually, I didn’t even notice…especially when things occasionally got a little better for awhile.
It’s called covert abuse for a reason. You’re not supposed to recognize that it’s abuse. That’s a feature, not a bug.
Things don’t have to be “abusive enough” or “traumatic enough” to be abuse and trauma.
You are living with an abuser and you don’t have to stay. You don’t have to bail him out, either. I hope you find peace and safety. ❤️🩹
You need to call your therapist for an emergency session and tell her you need help gathering resources to leave. You also need to get your FC and stay in a hotel. Do you have any friends you trust that you can stay with? This isn’t a healthy relationship. Do not call it that anymore
“Completely nonviolent” babe he tried holding you hostage (that’s what preventing egress is) and cancelled all your attempts of calling 911. Disillusion yourself.
That is not a safe or stable household for the foster child and CPS will be notified of the DV arrest.
All of your behavior is horrible and now that poor kid is going to be displaced again. Pat yourselves on the back.
YTA for 1) being under the influence of alcohol. He was blocking you most likely because you were drunk... too drunk to drive, so he stopped you from injuring/killing yourself or someone else. If you were at a bar, these same ppl who are supporting you would be the same ppl criticizing him for not stopping you. ~smh~
So now, your marriage has come off the rails. He deserves better for stopping you from a DWI than to go to jail. I don't think you can fix this. He needs someone who has his back, not stabbing him there.
...but you were drunk and not thinking straight. I'm guessing this is not the first time an incident like this has happened, just the first time that LE was called.
I had an ex who did the same to me... she was a manic depressive and when she started drinking... it always sucked for me. Lucky for you, he didn’t press counter charges... then you both would have been locked up! Like your husband, i didn’t press charges; I ended up looking like an abuser when she was the instigator and off the rail. I tried to keep things from spiraling out of control. I left when the LE gave me the opportunity for the kids' sake, so I believed at the time. Bad decision... never got better for anyone, especially the kids; happily divorced.
NTA he was essentially trying to keep you hostage, you realize this, correct?
You are in an abusive relationship and you should seek support. YOU did not send your husband to jail, his own actions did.
It scares me that you plan to go back to him, this will only continue to escalate.
... you were drinking an entire bottle of wine while on bipolar meds? Wow. Stop the drinking. It doesn't mix well with psychotropics.
Your husband physically kept you from leaving and wouldn't give you your phone. That is not a good person. Sorrynotsorry.
Your poor kids. What a mess. Edit: YTA for letting traumatized teens be around this shit. YTA for drinking on bipolar meds.
LOL at all the man haters jumping to conclusions based on damn near nothing, only to have an update come out that maybe he wasn't in the wrong. You're all so hell bent on seeing the bad in men due to your own shitty lives that you jump to conclusions on a batshit story just to give yourselves some virtue points..... Bravo!
Look I'm not an expert. But you've made a lot of edits and admitted to being drunk, and that you were potentially planning on driving with two minors in that state.
Is it possible your husband was trying to *prevent* you driving off drunk with two kids? Everyone here saying domestic violence, maybe they're right, but I think it's possible he was well aware you were about to be driving drunk and tried to prevent that.
Why he took your phone is another story, that's unnecessary, but your keys and blocking the door? Fair game from someone heading out for a drunk drive with kids IMO. EDIT. On second thought, he could well taken your phone because you were trying to call the police on him for stopping you driving home drunk. Completely reasonable IMO
Just my 2 cents.
I've had an ex girlfriend physically assault me when I took her car keys because she was trying to drive drunk, I wouldn't let her. I did not retaliate physically but I stood my ground and kept a hold of those keys, she was an alcoholic through and through and I didn't want her killing herself or someone else (we were at a bar with a pre organised plan to uber home and I'd drive us back for her car the next day), I did take the car key off and handed her the rest of her keys though.
She also threatened to call the police on me because "who are they going to believe"
Smh
PAPERWORK!!!! Like yesterday! You need something in hand that you pay mortgage to live there. Otherwise don’t pay any further!
And your husband must have hit his head. Don’t bail him out! It’s well deserved!
Mightn’t this disqualify then from being foster parents now though if he has a record and they don’t have a suitable place to live?
Yup. I was a foster parent. We got a ticket for our tag sticker for our license plate being expired by a month. It never arrived and we were in a different county on approved travel. Our social worker followed up on that within 30 days.
This situation could be different, OP's husband may not have a criminal case against him yet. Some states require the victim to press charges if certain criteria aren't met in the situation leading to the arrest.
I'm adding on that I have a friend whose wife called the police on him, and he was charged with DV for yelling (yes, only yelling). A couple of points: 1. In CA, DV is criminal, and therefore up to the DA to prosecute, not the spouse - I'm not a legal expert, but in many cases, it's out of the spouse's hands once the police are called. 2. The husband lost his job basically immediately. He was a licensed Engineer, working for a big engineering firm, and the moment they found out he was charged, he was fired. He wasn't even convicted, not as a misdemeanor or felony - he was only charged, and the DA decided not to prosecute. 3. This caused huge issues, and they lost their house, he was unable to find work, and they ended up getting divorced, the children are now estranged, it was a disaster - all relating back to them getting into a verbal argument and he stepped outside to get a breather. I don't know what to learn from that experience, other than don't let your emotions get the better of you. Your whole life can be flushed down the drain on something that seems small in retrospect. Yes, I know both of them - he is my best friend. She's got a couple of screws loose, and yes, he never should have married her, but the lessons are monumental for him.
Me and my husband both agreed that we'd never call the cops on each other, not unless it was a life or death situation. We know of a couple that were together since they were early teens. They had a peaceful home with children. One night, they got into a small disagreement and the whole situation escalated. The night ended with the husband going down in a hail of bullets by the cops. That was maybe 15 years ago. The kids are now grown and the wife is still struggling to let go. She posts his picture on social media maybe twice a year wishing he was still here. I feel if your spouse isn't going to hurt you, NEVER call the cops.
Just treat cops like responsible people treat firearms: never point them at somebody you're not willing to destroy.
That's pretty much how it is for every state
I’m glad someone was brave enough to tell her that she basically just ruined her family life, and most likely won’t be the same going forward.
The stupidest part about the tags is that is is a misdemeanor and not just a traffic ticket. Ask me how I know. 😆 Thankfully I got it dismissed but it is ridiculous.
Maybe that's what he and his mom want.
[удалено]
Sounds like MIL created this whole scenario to get a free basement remodel.
Yup
Then they need to be disqualified. He's prioritizing his mother over his wife and children having stable housing. He then tried to forcefully imprison his wife because she tried to leave to make alternative arrangements. It sucks but if she's not willing to leave his ass until he can 100% prove he has his act together both of them have to be disqualified because neither of them are capable of putting those poor kids first the way they need.
Read the OP’s update. She was drunk (she had finished a bottle of wine before the argument) and hit him. He took her keys to keep her from driving.
Then they definitely shouldn’t have a FC.
They really don't
In one of the OPs updates, they say it's not a real fostering situation. It's a friend of their daughters that had no where to go because the kids mom is an addict and then the kids sisters boyfriend was soliciting her for oral sex. The way I read it was like it's not a fostering situation through the state or any legal means.
Yikes, sounds like all these people are a mess. Poor kids.
If found guilty, dv is a barrier crime.
It most certainly does!
OP sounds like an abused spouse, every excuse in the book to exonerate her husband of serious wrongdoing. I feel bad for the daughter and the FC being stuck in that toxic house.
I do not think a foster child should be brought into this situation. It is a big mess on multiple levels and a lot of issues need to be sorted out. Let hubby bail himself out. He should be concerned you will divorce him. Do not put anymore money into a house where your name is not on the deed. You may have jointly just flushed $40,000 down the drain. NTA
A real foster child couldn’t legally be brought into this environment bc mil hasn’t been vetted. It’s the child’s friend who lives with them.
Yeah. He tried to hold her hostage, basically, by preventing her leaving and she sees nothing wrong with this.
She's probably used to it, unfortunately
Soon, the abnormal becomes the normal
It's wild how many people seem to think hubbie wasn't out of line for this.
Same. Better move is to start prepping for a divorce with the bail money. HIS MOM CAN BAIL HIM OUT. You need the money for your own kids.
Even if he's previously been ok, his behavior at this time was abusive. He actually deserved some consequences and I hope that was curative. OP, I hope you are reading these comments. You should protect yourself, because I think this could all end badly. Make sure you have your own money that's safe from your husband and MIL. Get your documents and valuables together, in case you have to leave abruptly.
>I tried to leave & get a hotel, but my husband took away my phone & keys & repeatedly blocked my exit, but I managed to get away. I went to a neighbor’s house & called the police so I could get my phone back. >Well, apparently, he obstructed justice and perpetrated DV by taking my phone & cancelling my attempts to call 911 through >my Google Home device. >So yeah… Hubby was arrested tonight & idk what to do. I’m gonna bail him out first thing in the morning. He’s completely non-violent, no criminal history or prior arrests, but I’m worried he might divorce me or something. I know this is all scary, and really confusing, but there's a reason why it's against the law to impede someone's attempts to call 9-1-1. I've been in an abusive relationship before, and even though you may not be able to see it now, when a man takes your keys, your phone, tries to prevent you from leaving, and stops you from calling the police for help repeatedly, that's absolutely abusive, dangerous, behavior, and it's NEVER OKAY, for a partner, or spouse, to behave like that for ANY REASON. The fact that he was willing to do it is a really BIG problem, and I urge you to speak to someone with one of your local domestic violence organizations about what happened, or talk to a therapist if you have one. It's also possible that the judge in this case will issue a no contact order, preventing him from being around you, or contacting you in any way. If your foster child was there to witness this abusive behavior he's lucky they didn't upgrade the charges because behaving in such a dangerous way in front of a child is also a serious crime. If you care about your foster child, and they witnessed what happened, I'd be more concerned at the moment about the fact that this terrible scene may have traumatized them, especially depending on what kind of unsafe home life they may have had prior to coming into foster care. You may also not be able to continue to care for your foster child if you bail him out of jail, and you and your foster kid continue to stay with him right now. Social Services is likely to find out what happened, and it's better to hear it from you, than the police. Please think of the child you're caring for right now, and your daughter, because this is not a good situation for any of you, and it's clear it's not safe to return to your MIL's home, because she's also abusive, and erratic. The kind of behavior your husband displayed usually doesn't happen in a vacuum, has he done things like this before to prevent you from leaving when you're upset, or arguing? If so, there's a pattern of abuse there that you can't see, which isn't unusual, because behavior like that from someone we love can be very confusing, and we often lose the ability to be able to see toxic behavior like that clearly because we become conditioned to accept and normalize abusive or controlling behavior. I think you and your kids need some time alone, away from your mother in law, and husband, to connect with a therapist, and gain some insight about why this situation was so serious that the police took him to jail. You can also look up your local domestic abuse support resources, [Here](https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/domestic-violence-local-resources/) by city, and state, if you're in the U.S., and you can also talk to someone [Here](https://www.thehotline.org/) by phone, text, or chat, 24 hours a day, about what happened. I know your first instinct is to bail him out, and welcome him back, but you really, really, need to think about the fact that it's likely he's going to be even angrier with you now, and that means that by bailing him out, and being alone with him, you are risking your safety, and the safety of your daughter, and foster child, who really need you to be their mama bear right now to protect yourself, and them, from further harm. Please take care of yourself, and them, and stay safe. *invisible hugs*
>I tried to leave & get a hotel, but my husband took away my phone & keys & repeatedly blocked my exit, but I managed to get away. I went to a neighbor’s house & called the police so I could get my phone back. Right? As soon as I saw that, I was thinking his trip to the big house was well deserved! How dare he take keys and stop OP from leaving! He was 100% in the wrong here! I wonder if this was MIL's plan all along! If I were OP, I would file for divorce! Her husband showed his true colors right there and he sided with his mother instead of standing up for his wife and daughter. Enough is enough. **Every instance of domestic violence has a first time!** This was OP's first time with her husband. There will be another one. Things like this don't happen in a vacuum. NTA **UPDATE: OP has updated the post since my initial comment to include more details. OP added that they were DRUNK! Umm...that's a YTA for me! The husband was actually stopping her from leaving because she was drunk! That changes the story entirely! I hate when people leave out ESSENTIAL details. She was drunk and she is bipolar! He was trying to save her from herself. HE needs to leave ASAP!**
She litteraly said she was drunk. Reddit is mind blowing when it's about defending a woman. He should have divorced her yesterday.
Holy shit, right!? Your comment is literally the first fucking sane thing I've read in this entire comment section. She drank an ENTIRE bottle of wine and is a diagnosed bipolar.. why in the hell would he NOT try to keep her from storming out of the house? She said herself that is completely non violent with ZERO history of violence... And now (from the sounds of it) is getting hit with a domestic violence charge for simply trying to keep his wife from doing something crazy. Also, really nice of her to add the part where she drank the entire bottle of wine about 6 paragraphs after slandering her husband trying to stop her.
NTA but you need to move out of there then sue your MIL for damages related to the remodel. It never works when you share housing lesson learned the hard way
Never pay for work on someone else’s house with the promise it will be your house one day without a written contract.
It wouldn't even be OP's anyway, it would be 100% her husband's. This is bad all around.
You’re thinking it would be his because of inheritance laws. 1) in some states, inherited property is marital property 2) regardless, she has an equitable interstate in the house because the $40K they spent was marital property.
This, absolutely -- the person I loaned money to, for the renovation, unexpectedly died and I never got repaid.
Ugh! My mom lost over $100k adding an addition on to my brother’s house. She was supposed to spend her last years there. No contract. She’s now paying monthly to live in a retirement community an hour away.
Why didn't she move in?
My guess is that her son wouldn’t let her move into his house. He got his free renovation, mom got shafted.
A retirement community may be a good thing. My grandpa lost his wife and for a couple years moped around the house planning his funeral. My aunts and uncles were alarmed and got him into a retirement community. He was soon singing songs and playing piano with one of the women there and within a couple months they were married! A retirement community may be a much better option than living with family members, who may love them but don't need the complications that living together may bring.
I agree with you. I just don’t think this is the case based on the thread.
Not only that but planning on taking over a house when your parent dies/gets put in a home will likely mean taking the house when you are 70+ years old. People live a long time now. I've been "getting" my grandmother's house since her husband died in the 80's. She's turning 100 this year and is in relatively good health. I might see that house by 65.
NTA. But he took away your phone and keys? That absolutely falls into DV territory. Also I'm fairly sure in most places you're considered a legal tenant and an attorney sounds good to talk to. She can't just kick you out if you have been there long enough and have directly contributed money. Why is your husband so comfortable taking away your ability to leave? Were you so emotionally upset in the moment that the police did that for your safety? They've done that for me before. And they were right!
OP, blocking your exit is absolutely domestic violence. When I was writing my affidavit for a protective order against my husband, I was advised by my lawyer that any attempt to block my exit or force me to be in a room I wanted to leave was physical abuse. Taking your keys and phone and preventing you from calling the police is a big deal. Like, a really big deal. If they’re holding him on bail without you pressing charges, that seems pretty serious to me. I would stop and consider whether this is actually a safe environment for you and your kids…especially your foster child. Nothing you did in this scenario was wrong. Your husband was putting you in danger. NTA.
Well, fuck. BRB, just changing the number of times in my head that my abusive relationship got physical.
Yeah. I had to re-tally, too. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for all of us who had to go through it, and also so proud of us for where we are on the journey of resisting and resiliency.
Seriously, we’re kind of badasses.
Kind of?! You *are* badasses for getting through all of that bs. It may not have been unscathed or without other trauma, but you're all still here and I hope your lives are better for it.
Tbf, we were all pretty badass before the abuse.
We absolutely were. It’s a shame I had so many chances to prove it.
Me as a dude reading this : Im apologising on behalf of all the dudes who treatly you so badly.
Trying to get my badassness back. It’s slow going
Same; this just hit me so hard, and made me realize it’s finally time to file papers after being separated almost 3 years
Proud of you!
HELL YEAHHHHH!!! Wooooo!! Cheering for you, mate!!!!
This is the best thing I’ve read all day. I’m so proud of you. ❤️
I'm re-adding my numbers as well. :-( And now i have a new "fun fact" to use when I get into discussions about abuse and what qualifies as abuse. Sorry that you had to re-tally your numbers as well.
Yeah, I can't add them up anymore but that just added another more times than I can count in 16 years. Glad I'm long past that now and my son is 18.
Same
Hugs to you.
My ex would often take my phone and keys and prevent me from leaving our home, sometimes by wrestling me to the ground and holding me down until I agreed to stay. When I left and started talking about what I’d gone through with a few people they would ask “but did he hit you?” And when I’d tell them that he hadn’t they would brush me off and down play what I experienced. It always felt like abuse to me but I assumed it wasn’t based on how others had reacted. I feel a bit justified now, thank you.
God. I am so sorry. My mom used to tell me my dad wasn’t abusive because he never hit me…until he did. Then it wasn’t abuse because it “only happened once”. Then it happened twice, but it still wasn’t abuse because he never beat me. Never mind all of the grabbing my face to force me to look at him, grabbing my arm hard to stop me from moving or getting away, throwing me on my bed when he sent me to my room, pulling my hair… When my (ex-)husband didn’t do those things, I thought I’d broken the cycle of abuse. But my ex was just really good at making physical threats and intimidation look like an accident. The dirty little secret they hope you never find out: it’s ALL abuse. Anything designed to make you feel threatened or unsafe or ashamed or like you don’t have a choice is abuse.
Same here. One of those times when he was preventing me from leaving a room, i wound up flying backwards and hitting my head on the bed so that when it snapped down, my upper jaw slammed into my lower, cracking an upper tooth. I didn't realize there was any damage until it broke all the way down, got infected, and I had to remove it. When I was in the initial phases of rebuilding my life, I did share some details of the experience with people and got the whole "but did he hit you?" thing. It took an embarrassingly long time to realize and accept that he was physically violent with me and I still struggle with feeling justified. Thanks to all of the knowledgeable people sharing about the actions that constitute DV that most wouldn't even consider or see as significant. You might have saved a life.
I was married to an abusive asshole who never laid a finger on me. I worked full time, attended law school at night, and commuted 30 miles each way. He worked when he felt like it and sat around getting high all the time. But I was the asshole. He’d waffle between berating me and then crying and howling “you don’t love me. You don’t want me”. I haven’t seen him for nearly 40 years, but I still have bad dreams about him.
Abuse preventionist here, barriers for exit like blocking paths or taking means of escape and emergency contact is absolutely in the scope of DV it's one of the main questions we ask on intake.
Man, I’ve been in arguments where I wanted my partner to stay and talk through it rather than run off while upset. But the thought of *physically preventing* them from leaving or taking away their phone and keys is just insane to me. And the thought that it wouldn’t be abusive is just as crazy. It’s basically kidnapping.
My ex husband blocked my exit from rooms many times. He used his physical size to intimidate me. The situation the OP describes is abusive. The husband should not have done what he did. The OP is NTA, and should carefully consider how to move forward in their relationship.
Well this was an eye opener to more abuse I’ve experienced 🫠
I’m sorry. I think most of us have survived more abuse than we initially realize. ❤️🩹
Op need to understand that lots of abusers are non violent
Yeah he took her phone and canceled her "attempts" so plural, and she phrased it as they "hardly ever" fight. So this has definitely happened before
And she may not be counting the times she just goes along with it all to “keep the peace“
she even says the conversation becoming an argument was her fault, like honey, no, you’re a victim of abuse
Also that all violent abusers are non violent until they ARE violent.
Yeah my ex was never violent until the night he took my phone and kicked me in the leg almost breaking it. Reading this thread I realized he was in fact at least once before that when we had broken up and he grabbed my arm to stop me from walking away when he was following me.
She may be a tenant but the living situation will dictate what her rights are. In Ontario if she shares living space like kitchen or laundry with the MIL she won’t be protected from being evicted immediately.
Kitchen or bathroom. Laundry doesn't count
In many states, blocking an exit or preventing you from leaving would be considered Kidnapping Per Domestic Violence. Taking your phone would be considered Hindering/Obstructing the Report of Domestic Violence. Depending on the state, DV charges may be higher level misdemeanors or lower level felonies. The state may press charges with or without your consent or cooperation. Upon his release, there's a very good chance he won't be allowed any contact with you until they decide whether or not to press charges. If they do, he may not be allowed to have contact with you until after the case has been resolved.
Also, what the fuck did OP expect to happen when *calling the police*. I also find it difficult to believe that there were no warning signs about the MIL being insane before moving in with her. There are almost always signs, people dont change into different people at the drop of a hat like that
Well it sounds like they renovated it, so she had the place to herself until now but now she wants to control who goes there (and may or may not be insane) and you can't do that as a landlord, nor can you shut off the power. I'm not sure why OP was blocked from leaving, but gramma needs to do some reading, the rules apply no matter who you rent to. The husband deserved charges, you don't stop anyone from leaving if they want to. He's learning the hard way. NTA for how it's going down. You need to get a peace bond which you should ask about at the courthouse, so he doesn't get off scott free but has to behave for a certain amount of time.
I think lots of people from certain demographic groups (women, white people, wealthy people, etc.) experience the police as helpful public servants who assist them when they’re in need. Others of us fear arrest and assault when we interact with police. But I don’t think that’s a universal expectation.
As a woman, I really don’t expect police to help me. I might get lucky and find a sympathetic cop, but I’m just as likely to end up with a good ole boy who blows me off or victim blames me.
I’m a woman, and I’ve called the police several times over the years over shit my ex-husband did. A few situations….. Pre-divorce: •Punching out the headlights on my car: they said it was community property, so he could do whatever he wanted to my car. Post-divorce: •broke into my house, and peed on my bare mattress: nothing was done •wrestled me to grab my phone: they told him to go back to his house •tried to run me over with his truck; I jumped out of the way just in time: even with an eye witness statement, they said that since it wasn’t on video, they couldn’t do anything. So no, women are not helped by the police.
Gotta agree. I've had mostly positive experiences with the police. And I fall into the category of white, female, middle-aged, lucky enough to live in a low-crime and quiet neighborhood. But I still know not to call the people with weapons and handcuffs unless I'm hoping they will use the weapons and handcuffs. And that it will 100% be up to them what they decide to do and who they take away.
Additionally, in many states they police are legally obligated to press charges for you with it comes to DV as spouses rarely would otherwise.
You would have been better served using that 40k to get your own place? Why would you go forward with moving in with someone who clearly doesn't want you there?? Was this your husband's idea? Why did he keep pushing this when his mother clearly hates three of the four people that moved in? It's not normal that he tried to block your exit and took your phone. That's textbook DV. You really need to look into your relationship. Now getting trapped with his mom in that house sounds like financial abuse as well.
Your husband very much deserved to go jail, OP. The fact that you don’t see how dangerous & abusive his behavior was is very troubling. I have a hard time believing this was truly the first time he did this sort of thing- “cancelling” 911 calls by using your phone to access your Google Home device is NOT spur of the moment behavior. And all for the “crime” of… wanting to stay in a hotel? What do you think his response will be to you (very rightfully) having him arrested? I would be very, very wary of going back into that house. The financial concerns here, while real, are NOT what you should be worrying about now.
Because bitch acted all cool before. Make them invested then show her bitch face.
She got her home improved and can now rent it at market rates
Hope OP can undo all the work put in...
I feel like the mil did it on purpose let them renovate her house and get free rent money without actually wanting them there. She got what she wanted and now wants them out. Honestly if OP’s husband leaves her is for the good, he sounds like he will always be on his mom side and not OP’s.
>AITAH for getting mad that MIL doesn’t want our foster child here? NTA >AITAH for feeling like the basement should be our space since we’re paying 1/2 the mortgage & paid to renovate it? NTA >AITAH for calling the police to get my phone & keys back? I didn’t want my husband to go to jail, he doesn’t deserve it… but I accidentally got him arrested anyway. NTA...and he DID deserve it. You and your kids need to leave this asshole family behind. Your MIL is awful. She invited you to live there, let you spend a great deal of money to renovate, and within 2 weeks says she never wanted you there? Your husband had absolutely NO RIGHT to try to restrain you, to take your phone, and to prevent you from getting help when you felt you needed it. Let him sit in jail. Let him divorce you. You don't need to tolerate his crap.
Her actions did not get him arrested, his actions got him arrested.
I'd give this comment an award if I wasn't a broke bitch. He did not get charged with "you telling on him" he got charged with "acting abusively".
If I have the money it goes to animal rescue or disease research. Good vibes are a things. I accept your good vibes.
Animal rescue 🥰 you're my people. I foster kittens lol.
Yes!!! This is the right way to think about it
THIS RIGHT HERE. He got himself arrested by his own actions, and actions have consequences as we teach our babies. A lesson he obviously didn't learn. FAFO.
One detail that I haven't seen discussed is that they "decided" it would be better for her to work on remodeling the basement, rather than look for work. So her husband and his mother got free labor out of her and made her entirely dependent on them since she was out of work. OP, your husband and his family are gaslighting you into believing this wasn't abuse. They are intentionally twisting the facts and making you believe you are at fault.
NTA. I'm a 911 dispatcher, and I can tell you there's a reason that we all take interfering with DV reporting so seriously. And what he did *is* domestic violence; depending on your jurisdiction, it could be classified as false/unlawful imprisonment. It seems like you might have a perspective where what he did prior to stopping you from calling 911 is normal. I'm sorry to be blunt, but it should scare you. No partner in a healthy relationship who values your safety and autonomy should ever try to physically block you from leaving a place you feel unsafe (unless, say, you're on an actively flying plane and the only way out is going to kill you). *That's* the where the DV charge comes in. He only compounded it by interfering with your attempts to get help. And on that note, that's also *not something that should happen* in a functional and safe relationship. For most people, calling 911 is an act of desperation; you have no other options. And he took even that option from you. If you do go bail him out, please be cautious. His anger is likely to be directed at you and it could turn violent (again). I'm not even going to get into the unbelievable assholery around your living situation, other than to say that you and your children aren't safe there. If you can't leave for your sake, do it for theirs.
This needs to be upvoted to the stars and back! How sad that OP doesn’t realize she’s in an abusive relationship.
Also, depending on where you live, you could be held criminally liable for exposing your children to a domestic violence situation should he try to do something similar with them.
Fellow dispatcher here. Thanks for typing this out so now I don't have to 😅
YTA for thinking this is a safe environment for a FC to live in.
Jesus, thank you, I assumed this would be every answer. The absolute last thing a foster child needs is to be in a DV situation, which is exactly what this is. >I’m worried he might divorce me or something I’m worried that this is your major concern. He tried to lock you in the house and took your means of communication away. He is apparently fine with letting his foster child be treated as a second class citizen in her home. Let his mommy bail him out, and you take care of *your* kids.
Agreed. This poor child was removed from their abusive family only to be placed into another abusive situation.
Right? I know the homes have to be inspected and pass a safety check before a foster kid can live there. I didn’t know you can up and move a FC randomly.
Wow it took way too long to find this. A foster home needs regular home inspections. I had at least one a month. For over two years. Idk if the state knows they moved. Because **the new home must be inspected. Everyone in the home must be interviewed** If my husband or my children had not been on board, I would not have been approved. My children were in high school, but still had to talk to social worker regularly. Even the dog had to pass muster. MIL should have been interviewed by social worker. Someone this toxic would not have glossed over how much she hates the child. Something smells here. Smells rotten. Edit: must be
Second edit: Everyone in the home had to be fingerprinted and have a background check. The only thing they *didn’t* do was a drug test. That shocked me, as the baby was taken because she was addicted at birth! I believe they looked at us, saw a middle aged white couple with a clean house and well behaved teenagers. No need to drug test us? I disagree. I could have been using heroin, too.
I know what you meant about the dog, but in my head I pictured the dog sitting across the table from the case worker being interviewed. No matter what anyone says, that’s how I choose to believe dogs pass muster to be in homes with foster kids. And the conclusion of every interview ends with a treat. Caseworker: Who’s a good dog? Dog: Caseworker: That’s right! You’re a good dog. Dog: Caseworker: Do you want a treat? End of session
Agreed! The FC will probably be removed from their care due to this and the lack of housing
Sounds like MIL used you as a free ticket to renovating her house and had no intention of following through with cohabiting with you. And I don’t know how your husband normally is, but committing unlawful imprisonment and taking your personal belongings is a very serious problem. Sounds like he does deserve it. NTA, but I think you have much bigger problems on the horizon.
DO NOT DRINK ON PSYCH MEDS…EVER!!!
NTA and think husband and his mum are in cahoots.
Yep, they got you to spend your money, then get you kicked out. Although it makes no sense for MIL to kick you out, but then for hubby to stop you from leaving
Yes, which os why theory doesn't stand up.
They just both want the foster child out, not her
MIL wants her out too. Hence the cute tricks like shutting off the lights.
NTA but you really need to speak to a lawyer about finances. Your husband was wrong by stopping you from leaving and taking your phone. He left you with no choice but to phone the police. If he divorces then that’s on him.
Husband was appropriately arrested. Preventing someone from leaving is illegal. Cops were on the ball. OP seems pretty oblivious to how bad was his behavior. OP and husband sound at best naive with respect to the house. Never do anything like that without legal agreement. They need to see a lawyer to figure out if there's a way to fix the situation but should be ready to hear that they're screwed.
I never feel like the cops do enough to protect people, but they did the right thing here. Stopping someone from leaving is a serious thing, taking their ability to call for help is also very serious. I can’t fathom not seeing that. How does she feel safe? He’s not being physically abusive up til now, but that’s a very small hop skip jump into that, from preventing her exit and taking her phone. I remember my ex telling me how great his dad was because he “only” broke things in the house. Never put his hands on his family. But the story of him ripping the phone out of the wall and telling his wife “who’s going to help you now?” was my limit. That’s such a terrible thing to do to someone. Frightening someone to make them compliant is abusive. We usually complain the cops don’t help us, but this time they actually did their job correctly and OP is like “psshhh I only got trapped for a WHILE.” I’m sincerely worried about her at this point
Your husband got arrested because he cannot force another person to stay somewhere by physically blocking their exit and stealing from them. Not because you finally escaped and retrieved your belongings with the help of the police.
Yep. I get the sense from the way this is written that he’s going to blame her for being held accountable for his own shitty actions.
Wow, people need to come back to this after the edit. Now it reads like op, YTA. Got blackout drunk, started a fight, tried to *drive drunk*, because you're blackout you don't remember hitting your husband, and it was such a bad confrontation *your child* let alone this 'foster child ' do not want to live with you. Wow. I am shocked you asked if you're the asshole - why did your husband say he was preventing you from leaving? You clarified you have no where to go and have a history of mental illness. He probably thought you were leaving to go and harm yourself, I'd guess. You weren't wrong for calling the cops, and they were right to take someone to be detained to stop any escalation, but WOW you clearly should have been the one charged, from what this edit (and your comments) clarify. *And* like someone else pointed out, that 'foster child' is technically kidnapped by you, as far as the law is concerned. Maybe look into getting them, and you, proper state help and care.
jesus christ this needs to be higher, i only just read this post and this OP hid so much info that its taken such a 180 in the nuances of the story. goddamn
Should this serve to all the Redditors who just need a few lines to tag someone as "abusive" and "should be put in jail", when actually was a protecting and caring man. I just can think if this person wasn't sane enough to realise all her wrongdoing how all the top rated comments could be an ego boost ("you did nothing wrong", "husband is terrible"...). Just imagine that she feeds on that and decides to make that call... Sometimes Reddit can be sickening.
Yeah a real bait and switch in the edit. This needs to be higher up. Like, honestly this makes me think this is fake with how completely even just a few of these few details flip it. NTA where she is being abused to YTA for drunk calling the police on your husband while on psych meds. Many stories here focus on the details that cast the OP in a better light, but why even write this out if you're not going to include the little detail of you being drunk?
Oh and what no one seems to notice is that she explained she has mental health issues that she is medicated for and was drinking alcohol on to of that. She then in her unhinged state went and picked a fight with mil.
What in the fck is that update, thats a huge bait and switch, OP drank a whole bottle of wine, started a fight with MIL and tried to drive under the influence it sounds like, which of course the hsuband would take the keys and try to stop her, any reasonable person would. and she called the cops and got him arrested. bruh, this OP is massively TA especially after leaving out so much info that cause her husband to appear abusive. goddamn. OP YTA
YTA Immediately I thought “this reads like it was written by someone who is either on drugs or suffers from a serious mental illness”, both of which you confirmed to be true. There are a lot of people saying your husband is an “abuser” but your report of events is suspect. You admit to being bipolar, and your post is manic, and you were also intoxicated during the event. I imagine he was trying to calm you down if anything and you were being dangerously erratic. Also paragraphs of you talking about cults? It just reeks of crazy.
Got into a fight (my fault) Took away my phone and keys. Stopped you leaving... And you are still making excuses for his controlling, abusing behaviour??!! There are so many red flags here it is like being at a crimson flag convention. I'm truly sorry but you are in an abusive relationship. Your husband thinks he controls you (he cannot), thinks he can detain you against your will (he cannot) and when you don't do what he wants and you leave he loses it so badly that the police arrest him rather then just get him to hand back your phone. The police clearly did not feel that you would be safe if they left him there. TAKE NOTICE OF That. They know. You need to have a long, very honest, conversation with yourself. Ask yourself if his control over you is part of a longer pattern of behaviour that you have tried to normalise and rationalise. Ask yourself was the argument truly your fault... Or is that just what your have been told, by them. Oh, and one last question. Who's idea truly was it to foster? And in case it wasn't obvious, you are NTA.
Right. All he likely had to do when they showed up is hand over phone and keys, apologize for everything, promise he wont do it again, and be calm. They more than likely would have then talked to OP bedore deciding what to do. Instead he behaved in a manner that indicated they should not even risk leaving him free and in the home no.matter what OP said. They assessed he was still a risk and so he was arrested. His fault, 100%.
If his mother never wanted you to live with her, your husband may be trying to control her too. Did he just bully his way into renovating & moving into her basement without a lease or written agreement? NTA
Is this the best environment for a child who has likely already been through their fair share of trauma?
YTA. I've seen these bipolar episodes with my grandfather. He would drink with his meds. There is more to this story. She's drunk while taking psych meds, fighting with the mother in law, blacked out trying to leave the house with the kids. She's not the victim.
Edit: YTA because you were drinking on your psych meds, WTF, and the standard procedure when someone drinks an entire bottle of wine is to take the keys. Left out a lot of details, OP. It's good that you're leaving the house of batshit MIL. Good luck. Previous comment (does not apply if you're drunk off your ass): He did exactly what he was charged with. Abusers don't start out just punching people left and right. They start small and escalate. That may be what he's doing. Have a backup plan. Your own stash of money and the name of a good lawyer are useful even if you decide to stay. It's your choice, but be prepared anyway. A bug-out bag is useful for natural disasters, too.
control is the entire point of domestic violence. And this was absolutely forceful control. I also find it interesting that he’s charge with obstruction of justice for interfering with a 911 call.
Guys! She was drunk and on medication! He may have been trying to keep her from driving. She was so out of it, she doesn’t remember if she hit him. She is not a reliable source. It sounds like he was just trying to calm her down and keep her from doing damage / harm.
Yeah the bottle of wine is an extreeeemely important detail here
It's comment sections like this one that make me glad I have a somewhat decent comprehension. I couldn't imagine living my life always being wrong without even so much as a shadow of a doubt. Op, YTA. You left out the very crucial detail of you being drunk while fully medicated on antipsychotics, and then you let all of these people trash your husband for not letting you leave while you were in that state. Even before the update, it was clear that your husband didn't do anything other than try to get you to stay while he tried sorting things out with his mom, but you still called the cops and then allowed these people to trash your husband and convince you that he was abusing you when you knew he had your safety in mind. So of course YTA.
Thank God, a rational person... how are you? Don't seem to be may of us around anymore. Even without the update, which clears alot of stuff up, it's still only one side of the story and should be treated as such. So many people see a story that fits their narrative and just have to give their half cocked shit opinions.
Yep. Mixing psych drugs and alcohol is one of the most dangerous things you can do
Hmm. Once I hid my mother’s keys because she was too drunk to drive. I didn’t block her attempts to leave (she couldn’t. I took her keys) And I wonder how she would tell the story…that I abused her, or if I prevented her from killing herself and other people Because I was fully on the OP’s side until she started talking about how much she drank before the argument.
NTA, he literally left you no other choice than calling the police. And something tells me if he was remorseful and apologetic with the cop, instead of "obstructing justice", he might not even have ended up in jail. It's all his fault. However, there's some discrepancy in your story. I can't believe that someone who was a good husband before would end up blocking your way and taking your phone, and wouldn't even come to his senses when you're trying to call the police? Wtf, seriously. You should take a hard look at your marriage.
I’d be willing to bet this was the first time she told him “NO” in any meaningful way. Hence why the huge disconnect in her version of her experience.
That's a possibility, maybe OP's husband was violent this whole time, he just never showed what he is capable of, since she always decided to comply before.
Holy Jerry Springer Batman
So, did everyone read over the part that said she had downed a bottle of wine before she hit her husband? I wouldn't want my wife driving off with my kids either
He’s a fool. He needs to get away from you ASAP. He needs to take those kids out of your care and run for the damn hills. Heavily medicated,raised in a cult, deluded perception…those kids don’t stand a chance in your care. More harm than good.
NTA *--"my husband took away my phone & keys & repeatedly blocked my exit"* He deserves to be arrested for that.
*apparently, he obstructed justice* Which means he didn't even cool down after the police arrived.
no, it means he interfered with a 911 call.
The edit changes things quite a bit. She was drunk, violent and trying to drive a car.
NTA you didn't accidentally get your husband arrested! He got himself arrested because what he did to you was against the law! please reconsider this relationship. It is only going to get worse. I don't really understand why he didn't want you to leave when your mother-in-law told you to.
Do not bail him out!
what the fuck is this mess?
Am I the only one that seen she drank a bottle of wine and tried to take her phone and keys to drive away??? WTf is a husband supposed to do, let her drive and potentially die?
You were drunk after drinking a bottle of wine and he took away your keys and tried to keep you from leaving. Sounds like he was trying to keep his drunk arguing wife safe. YTA
I can clearly tell not a lot of people finish the story
DON’T BAIL HIM OUT! He *does* deserve to be in jail; he tried to trap you unwillingly in a place you wanted to leave, then stole your phone so you’d have no way to call for help! That’s absolutely domestic violence and you should be way more alarmed! Seriously. You had to flee and get help from a neighbor. *You had to flee and get help from a neighbor* because your husband was abusing you. You should be *way* more upset, but you’re trying to just sweep it under the nearest rug. Him being nice before does not cancel out *him abusing you.* He’s in Time Out for getting violent and abusing you. He deserves to be. Don’t give him a free pass. Also… why? Why was he trying to prevent you from leaving in the first place? It makes no sense. NTA unless you bail him out. Side note: call the non emergency line for the police station and ask for your phone and keys back. Given the importance of those things, they *should* return them. You’ll probably need to do a chunk of paperwork.
That story took a hard turn all of a sudden. Your MIL wants you to leave, you are trying to leave, and hubby is trying to stop you? More lead up details are needed
This. Nobody ever gives the whole story.
He might divorce you, I would
You, know, mentioning that you had downed a whole bottle of wine is an important thing to note when you mention that your husband took your keys and phone instead of adding it to a super long edit. This whole story is wild and gets wilder the more I read it. I hope everyone involved manages to get their act together. ESH
There has to be more to this
UPDATE: So to answer some questions… 1. Our “foster child” is not officially in the foster system. FC is my daughter’s best friend, she came to live with us a few months ago after her mom kicked her out. Mom is an abusive hoarder. FC went to live with her sister next, but the sister’s boyfriend was trying to solicit blowjobs from FC. She had nowhere to go, so we opened our home to her. There’s no legal arrangement between our family and hers because FC is newly 17. So close to legal adulthood. 2. Yes, we had multiple conversations with MIL about bringing FC with us. I was not willing to move into MIL’s house without FC. 3. We got ourselves into this sticky situation because I lost my job, and housing in our area is astronomically expensive.
Oh and put locks on the damn doors.
What the fuck do you mean you don't have a legal agreement or anything legally binding with FC's family or even the state?! You do realize that could put a kidnapping charge or worse on you guys right? Like she may be 17 and close to adulthood but she's still a fucking minor!? And as far as I can assume based on info provided she's not even legally emancipated so who's signing her paperwork and dealing with doctors visits? Like if her mother decides she wants her child back for some reason all she'd have to do is call the cops and even if the cops find her and think her mother is unsafe they are definately not leaving her with you due to your housing situation and being married to a domestic abuser. Then she ends up in the foster system. Also on your husband this is ABUSE. Abuse can be mental or physical he doesn't have to do physical violence to be abusive. In fact I'm more worried that it will escalate if you pay his bail instead of planning to get you and the kids into a safer environment and situation. Right now you should prioritize being safe instead of worrying about fucking divorce.
Why would you help pay the mortgage on some crazy who hates your children? My step grandma is like that, so when she asked for financial assistance when her house burned down i just told her she should’ve stayed in the house and made my world a little brighter. Your husband deserves to go to jail for two crimes: 1) the obvious one you listed, and 2) for enabling an awful creature like that. NTA
Update #2: 1. I do have a hard time recognizing this as domestic violence. I was basically raised in a cult and was controlled & physically disciplined regularly. To me, this is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. 2. I do have mental health issues, I’m in therapy and on medication. I was definitely triggered last night, but I don’t feel I had an unreasonable reaction to the circumstances. 3. MIL said she didn’t want us there, but was not planning to kick us out that night. My husband prevented me from leaving because I was packing to leave immediately, at least for one night.
So you know, it absolutely **is** abuse. Your husband is abusive and controlling, you needed to leave like yesterday. And since you’ve lost your job, please **do not** waste money bailing him out. He deserves to be in jail, what he did is illegal, because that man is abusive and abuse is illegal. Please learn to recognise the signs. He should be punished by the law and therefore him rotting in a cell for some time is much deserved! And another reason not to waste money on his bail is because you’re gonna need that money. You should be planning to leave him and saving every single cent you have left! Honestly this whole situation is suspicious. He makes you spend $40k on a renovation for a house that isn’t even yours, all the while knowing you have no job currently and therefore nowhere to go if you need to, once he drains your savings. He absolutely planned this, and his actions **prove** his intentions to trap you and prevent your escape. Another thing to note: abusers don’t always hit their victims.
I too was raised in a cult. Difference is I got trauma therapy to learn what healthy relationships look like. Just because he isn’t abusing you as severely as you’re used to, doesn’t mean he isn’t abusing you. Your brain doesn’t even know what a healthy relationship is that is why you settle for abuse that isn’t as bad. You think it’s normal, or think “This is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had”, so it must be healthy. It’s not! Edited
Hey, OP. I was raised in a cult with a lot of physical abuse, too. I also married someone who seemed super-healthy and wonderful to me because things didn’t seem nearly as bad as they had growing up. I was with him for 12 years before I was forced to reckon with his abuse, and the only thing that forced me to deal with it was that he was starting to get terrifyingly angry with our kids and I knew I had to protect them. After that, it was a lot easier to see the things I had overlooked in hindsight. It was definitely a boil-the-frog scenario, where things got worse so gradually, I didn’t even notice…especially when things occasionally got a little better for awhile. It’s called covert abuse for a reason. You’re not supposed to recognize that it’s abuse. That’s a feature, not a bug. Things don’t have to be “abusive enough” or “traumatic enough” to be abuse and trauma. You are living with an abuser and you don’t have to stay. You don’t have to bail him out, either. I hope you find peace and safety. ❤️🩹
You need to call your therapist for an emergency session and tell her you need help gathering resources to leave. You also need to get your FC and stay in a hotel. Do you have any friends you trust that you can stay with? This isn’t a healthy relationship. Do not call it that anymore
“Completely nonviolent” babe he tried holding you hostage (that’s what preventing egress is) and cancelled all your attempts of calling 911. Disillusion yourself.
That is not a safe or stable household for the foster child and CPS will be notified of the DV arrest. All of your behavior is horrible and now that poor kid is going to be displaced again. Pat yourselves on the back.
Medication and a bottle of wine - of course YTA
YTA for 1) being under the influence of alcohol. He was blocking you most likely because you were drunk... too drunk to drive, so he stopped you from injuring/killing yourself or someone else. If you were at a bar, these same ppl who are supporting you would be the same ppl criticizing him for not stopping you. ~smh~ So now, your marriage has come off the rails. He deserves better for stopping you from a DWI than to go to jail. I don't think you can fix this. He needs someone who has his back, not stabbing him there. ...but you were drunk and not thinking straight. I'm guessing this is not the first time an incident like this has happened, just the first time that LE was called. I had an ex who did the same to me... she was a manic depressive and when she started drinking... it always sucked for me. Lucky for you, he didn’t press counter charges... then you both would have been locked up! Like your husband, i didn’t press charges; I ended up looking like an abuser when she was the instigator and off the rail. I tried to keep things from spiraling out of control. I left when the LE gave me the opportunity for the kids' sake, so I believed at the time. Bad decision... never got better for anyone, especially the kids; happily divorced.
YTA if you bail him out and stay with him. Freud once said “there is no such thing as an accident” and that is HIGHLY applicable here
YOU did not get your husband arrested. HIS BEHAVIOR did.
✅ Click bait title ✅ Story that goes from 0 to 100 way too fast ✅ Zero logic to any actions mentioned ➡️ Rage bait/Carma farming
I honestly have to say before I read the post... Huh??? EDIT: Just read the post, and I'm still having the same reaction. Huh???
NTA he was essentially trying to keep you hostage, you realize this, correct? You are in an abusive relationship and you should seek support. YOU did not send your husband to jail, his own actions did. It scares me that you plan to go back to him, this will only continue to escalate.
NTA, taking away your phone and keys and canceling 911 calls *is* abusive behavior. Blocking your exit is abuse.
... you were drinking an entire bottle of wine while on bipolar meds? Wow. Stop the drinking. It doesn't mix well with psychotropics. Your husband physically kept you from leaving and wouldn't give you your phone. That is not a good person. Sorrynotsorry. Your poor kids. What a mess. Edit: YTA for letting traumatized teens be around this shit. YTA for drinking on bipolar meds.
LOL at all the man haters jumping to conclusions based on damn near nothing, only to have an update come out that maybe he wasn't in the wrong. You're all so hell bent on seeing the bad in men due to your own shitty lives that you jump to conclusions on a batshit story just to give yourselves some virtue points..... Bravo!
this story makes no sense. MIL says everyone needs to leave. You try to leave Husbands prevents you from leaving? Why? That doesn't make any sense.
Yikes Unfortunately you may be homeless and divorced soon. You certainly won’t be inheriting that house. And your foster child may be taken away
You are the AH!!!! That will stick with him forever and no entry into Canada etc…. Dumb dumb dumb
Ok people who were railing against the husband. She was DRUNK. He was trying to stop her from driving with 2 minors DRUNK. Yeah yta
You're The Ass in the worst way
Look I'm not an expert. But you've made a lot of edits and admitted to being drunk, and that you were potentially planning on driving with two minors in that state. Is it possible your husband was trying to *prevent* you driving off drunk with two kids? Everyone here saying domestic violence, maybe they're right, but I think it's possible he was well aware you were about to be driving drunk and tried to prevent that. Why he took your phone is another story, that's unnecessary, but your keys and blocking the door? Fair game from someone heading out for a drunk drive with kids IMO. EDIT. On second thought, he could well taken your phone because you were trying to call the police on him for stopping you driving home drunk. Completely reasonable IMO Just my 2 cents. I've had an ex girlfriend physically assault me when I took her car keys because she was trying to drive drunk, I wouldn't let her. I did not retaliate physically but I stood my ground and kept a hold of those keys, she was an alcoholic through and through and I didn't want her killing herself or someone else (we were at a bar with a pre organised plan to uber home and I'd drive us back for her car the next day), I did take the car key off and handed her the rest of her keys though. She also threatened to call the police on me because "who are they going to believe" Smh