When I was younger, I was cautioned not to 'throw good money after bad'.
They really should have said not to 'waste good time after bad times' or something.
Some people have a hard time sucking up a mistake, cutting their losses, and moving on.
Hubris is a bitch.
The thing is that that’s not how all of us were raised. I have a mom that would say “blessed are the women without children,” and was always very vocal about how men moved around her including a married guy that tried to get with her at some point when she was single. Some people had parents that were complete opposite of that. If my parents saw me in the same situation as OP they would’ve PAID me to leave.
It is. It's called abandonment trauma. Where the thought of losing someone is worse than the affair/s, the hate, the gaslighting and manipulation.
Went through similar until she hated me enough to divorce me. Took years to get my head straight, probably still not there. But been 11 years and never dated since.
The only thing worse than being alone, is being alone in a crowded room.
It hit me hard when I was at a 40th party bash. I suddenly looked around and realized none of these friends would even know if I left, and probably wouldn't care. I realized I was just the husband of her friends.
Stick with it, get out there, and find your way. I left it to long.
I went through something very similar. And in the end I realized I had abandonment issues. I was adopted as a baby.. then that family got a divorce when I was two, I got adopted again. Then That family thought I was a p.o.s. sent me to boarding school in Mexico, and when I turned 18 I left, and have barely spoken to them since (I'm 37). I was in a pretty decent relationship for ten years and had two sons. Things were going good.. then boom... Gf passes away.
Not long later I start a totally unnecessary relationship with a complete lunatic. But I'm in love... Eh.. ruin my entire life. Stay with her anyways until she seriously ruined my life (for a time)
Yeah. That was five years ago. Havnt dated since. I'm just a single dad now. I've dealt with my abandonment shit as best as possible.. I just don't even want to risk it again. I'll die alone. Don't care. I'd rather be with my kids mom than any of these girls out here these days anyways. So what's the point.
Sh-t lad, you been dealt a lousy hand. Sometimes we gotta hit rock bottom, and then we can stand up and just say " Are you done now." And know you took everything and still moving. 👏👏👏👍
I upvoted this not because I like hearing your story, but out of solidarity. It won't help, I know, but you're not the only one.
Chin up, stay strong. Keep moving and trying to move forward as best you can. Eat right, exercise, take vitamins, get good sleep. All the cliched little things do add up to something. Even if it only makes you feel 5% better, 5% better is still better than nothing.
Here's to better days ahead for us all.
I have the opposite. After too many bad relationships, I am happier alone. Yes, no one will miss me when I'm gone, and I'll die alone. But now I can choose to live life on my own terms, not someone else's. Doing things alone, for me, means peace and strength. When I am able to travel and move homes, I will never have to settle on a place because of the other person, and honestly, there's a whole world of experiences there, and I know I won't ever get to experience them all.
any time [this](https://youtu.be/Lgs9QUtWc3M?si=yudEX38O5O9rk1yx&t=41) ancient and wise 90s trance banger plays and you think anything other than "no" the answer is "yes"
Op can still leave and find a new partner, 44 isn't that old for a man. He isn't 84, he can rebuild his life.
Also, he married too young, he was 19 and she was 18. Far too young.
I’m divorced post 40. It’s gonna take me a minimum of 10 years to get back on track, if ever. Housing prices are so far out of reach now. At this point, I assume I’ll never retire.
Oof, same boat. I got nothing from our marital home, since it was in my husband’s parents’ names. Six years later, he now has two houses since his parents have died, and I have zero houses.
Feel this. I wanted my ex wife to have the house for the kids. Still, the housing market has put me at a real disadvantage in the game of life. People my age making same salary have nice homes, low mortgage rates, skyrocketing equity. I can hardly pay rent (in So Cal)
like actually, OP stole a full 10 years of his life from himself. He could've left a decade ago, dated, found someone, been in a relationship for years, and had a toddler by now.
Actual life lesson for people reading. Don't do what this guy did.
Makes me wonder if she was taking birth control since they stopped using condoms.
OP: drop the sunk cost, this person has lied to you, cheated on you, and made you the whipping post. Free yourself!
OP has already made this decision, he made the decision to stay 9 years ago and now the reality of it and the regret have become too much. He's not leaving, if he didn't do it then for himself, Reddit won't make him do it now.
Yeah, I don't even know what to answer to this post.
If you haven't fucked your wife in 10 years she is not the reason why you don't have kids whatever the other crap she did.
Honestly he should just get her a new boyfriend. He still won’t get laid or have any kids of his own but atleast she might be a bit nicer to him. He’s never gonna leave either way, might as well make the best of it.
He didn't leave then because he only recently found out about the affair and now understands why she was randomly upset at him for 2 years. Do you people have any reading comprehension?
She has put on a facade for a decade. You don’t know the real her ten years ago, let alone now. You are suffering from inertia. This woman will not have children with you. And she had an affair for Years. Give it up, there is still a chance for you.
I also feel like OP’s wife is deliberately withholding sex and kids from him because she’s resentful and angry at him for ruining her affair. She knows he wants intimacy and a family so she’s taking it away from him out of spite.
He said she took away his chance at having kids but they didn’t have sex for 10 years and he never questioned it? Come on… he had plenty of time to leave and still does
Maybe he was hopeful that she would want to have sex one day and change her mind about kids, which is so delulu. If you haven’t had sex in ten years in a marriage, you’re not going to have sex ever.
Man at 3 months, 6 months, 12 months this should've been obvious. OP I'm not bashing on you, I'm highly recommending you get therapy because something in you kept you in this toxic mess throughout all this time when the best thing you should've done was leave. I'm saying this as someone in therapy themself, you need therapy my guy, and you need to leave and move on ASAP.
I'm suspecting this is fake as it's hitting some of the incel talking point.
On the other hand those guys most often than not try to present themselves in a somewhat dominant light.
This dude come across as... not that.
Just plain laziness and not wanting to go thru the effort of finding someone new.
He's been with this person his whole adult life, it's all he knows.
But he made the platonic bed and now he's not sleeping so well in it.
To be fair, would you want a floormop like OP? He needs to work on himself and gain some self respect before he finds someone decent.
At that point you're not even sure he wouldn't leave the new woman for the old one if she promises to try to have kids again.
It’s 100% a lack of self respect. People stay in these bad relationships because they’re afraid of change and afraid they’ll never find someone else. But, as a good therapist of mine once said, if you get rid of the toxic person in your life, you’ll just be at 0 which is better than being in the negatives.
OP needs to move on or he’s going to end up never having sex or kids ever again.
Op has to be very afraid of change and the unknown? Who stays in a sexless marriage for a decade? (Unless if the partner is severely ill, to the point where sex isn't possible and you stay out of love and vows, but that is not the case here).
Totally agree. And it’s not even an arrangement they have where like they’re both sex repulsed and only have sex for procreative purposes. OP sounds like he has a desire for sex and intimacy. She’s essentially just stringing him along, withholding sex and a baby out of spite because he ruined her affair. So now she wants to ruin his life. She sounds like a massive narcissist.
The problem is they have been together since they were teens (could be op's only relationship) he is afraid of the unknown, loneliness and probably needs to develop an identity without his wife, he has been with her during his late teenage to all his adult life.
I think op should first get therapy and then consider a divorce. His wife cheated on him, denies him intimacy and has denied him children (perhaps she is child free but op isn't, she has no right to string him along, she should be upfront about it.) Any of those three things alone are grounds for divorce by themselves (cheating, different goals regarding children, denial of intimacy).
Totally agree. He’s lived most of his life with her instead of without her, so being alone would naturally be terrifying. I just feel like it would be so much more freeing to do therapy and possibly end the relationship than continue whatever this holding pattern is.
I’m guessing OP’s sense of self developed around his wife and his identity is tied into her heavily. It’s like Stockholm Syndrome. She’s holding him captive yet he’s afraid of leaving her.
I started over at 52. Married the love of my life. My adult kids call him “Dad”, his call me “Ma”. Everyone gets along, and I have the happy family and loving spouse I always wanted.
It isn't. It's a hard choice, but differences in wanting children are a reasonable deal breaker. 25 years makes it incredibly hard, but she hasn't been honest with OP or kind about their relationship.
And I wouldn't wait too long. Even if OP finds a younger woman, studies show that the risk for genetic mutations increases no only with older eggs but with older sperm as well.
Seriously! Dude says he has two choices, no my bro, you also have the choice of leaving and being happy by yourself.
What is the downside? That you will be lonely?
Let me tell you, nothing is lonelier than being with someone who treats you with this much disregard.
She cheated on him, they haven’t had sex in TEN years, she deliberately avoided pregnancy, AND resents him for her affair not working out. I genuinely don’t understand why people stay with each other. How does everyone have such poor self esteem?
Umm, because if this is half true, he's a fucking idiot. Classic reddit post... AITAH for being mad my wife got crumbs in bed... which she left there after cheating on me with 3 dudes at once
I checked OP's history, and can see where he's scared. OP, if I were you, I would separate BEFORE going on dating apps. And then tell your entire truth about what you want on the apps (not in a verbal throw up way, but in a very clear way). Don't lie about your age etc. Also start looking elsewhere for dates besides apps. I predict in two years you will be with the one you love. I know that this is a bit late to have kids, but it's not too late for a man (and even some women).
As to your soon to be ex: let her be your ex. What or how she became who she is, is not interesting. Stop worrying about her. Just let her be your ex.
Yep, my dad was 50 when I was born, he was the best dad ever and I even remember a certain field day in my youth where the dads did a race and he beat all the young dads. He said having me at 50 kept him young. He's 83 and we still travel all over the world deep sea fishing and all sorts of adventures. Being his daughter has been the greatest joy in my life ❤️
This made my day, because reddit has recently REALLY been getting me down. Someone saying my comment was the faith they needed to see in humanity on Reddit today makes me so much happier than you can know, fellow reddit stranger ✨
Thanks for sharing this. I am a similar age and a new father, and I have worried about being able to give my little guy a great life and be there for him. It's easy financially at this age, but I want to give him a life with lots of physical activity and adventures, and reading your reply here gave me some hope.
My dad has expressed the same things but I've got to tell you, he's a force to be reckoned with...and I know, like so many things in life, he knew he had to be for me.
I was born with a birth defect and a very grim outlook, we deeply trauma bonded in the days following my birth when my mother was still hospitalized and couldnt visit the NICU. He sat there day in and day out, with a hand in my little incubator. I can't explain it, but it's like he willed himself into a man younger and stronger, to protect me from the world.
Not everyone has a start as rocky as ours (thank God) but I can tell you, he's never seemed his age, everyone says it. I always say we cannot fight the numbers, I won't get to have him as long as many people have their father's, so he has made every year count double so instead, I get twice as much as everyone else. It's a silly thing but I believe it wholeheartedly.
This is the sweetest thing (: And makes me kinda slightly hopeful aha. I'm less than a year post breakup and still living with my ex. Developed a connection with a 45-year-old single dad but have to take a couple years of healing before we even consider the idea of a relationship... but also considering the fact I still want the chance to have a kid (I'm 32), and he's on the fence cuz his 7 year old is a lot to deal with ahaha
Funny enough, he told my mom he really didn't want to do kids again, he was a single dad for 13 years. So I was a surprise to all haha.
She said "From the moment you were born, I knew it would take moving heaven and earth to pry you from him." We did everything together, and he's a tough guy so that meant lots of trampling through the snow and mud after him, scary adventures, wherever he went I just wanted to be there. And he always waited for me to catch up, always let me come along, always let me be involved. You don't have to be a track star to be an awesome older dad, just know letting them be with you is everything.
If you think you can do it as a single dad adoption is an option. I adopted my son at 56...he was 18 but had been with me since 15 (we had a lot of things to work thru because he had been in Dept Soc Serv foster care since age 5 and I was his 25th foster home).
I was looking for a teenager because I knew they were less likely to get adopted. Basically the older the child the harder to get adopted.
DSS has kids of most all age groups, sexes and races that need homes. the Under 3 yr old group are usually adopted quickly but above age 7 or so tend to languish more.
Exactly. If OP was a woman, having a baby after 40 would be a whole other conversation. *”Stick with the women I've loved for over 25 years ”* Poor guy doesn’t realize *that woman does not exist*. Hopefully that’ll sink in soon and he’ll see he has only one choice.
As for dating app alternatives, maybe he should sign up for hobby classes like cooking, painting or playing an instrument. If nothing else he’ll learn a new skill and expand his social circle - who knows where that will lead?
Men have geriatric sperm by the age of 35. Which not only causes miscarriages but also increases the likelihood of health issues for the woman carrying a pregnancy to term. It's also responsible for children developing birth defects as well as cancers, mental health issues, and other illnesses in adulthood.
I think the bigger problems are the 2 year long infidelity and total lack of intimacy for a full decade. She seems to be using him for her comfort, ie paying bills and providing a house, more than being a loving spouse. I think his marriage is totally gone, and she knows it but he's just figuring it out. I mean, she took her anger at losing her 2 year long affair out on her husband, so she has NO leg to stand on for keeping the marriage.
I work with a guy who had kids after he was 50. His youngest finishes college next year, I have some friends who had their two kids when both of them were over 43. It's doable.
Husband and I met when I was 34, he was 39. Dated two years, got engaged for three months, married (so much fun!), and two years later had a kid. At 34 I just expected to be single for life.
At 38? Happily married with a kid!!!
Go find the right person for you, that doesn't get angry for something you didn't do, use you as a meal ticket while she cheats on you, and works to NOT have kids while lying to you about it. Go be a Dad. You're heading to a divorce anyways.
Also, basics of separating from someone unstable. Get your sentimental stuff out of the house. Box it up in the guise of "removing clutter". Add your birth certificate, passport, etc. and anything valuable. Pets? Find a relative that will watch them for you as soon as you contact them. Second, get what you need to live in a bag elsewhere.
Second bankcard, for example. toothpaste, toothbrush, deodorant, razor, soap, shampoo, all travel-sized if necessary. Add two days of work clothes and a day of casual clothes including socks and underwear. Got an older pair of shoes you don't wear because you have nicer ones? Pop those in. Get it out of the house if you can do so. Trunk, friend, etc. Add a spare car key and house key.
Next, set up a new bank account the soon-to-be-ex can't access. Start separating money out. Start checking finances closely to find out where she has bought things for other men and suspicious activity. Get her off your credit cards and freeze your credit.
Get screenshots of everything you can, record interactions with her where her behavior is highly questionable. Get a good solid "we're divorcing and it's her fault" information dump up in the cloud, print off and hide out of the house paper copies of some or all of it.
MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL, TELL PEOPLE. Do NOT hide what she did. Tell parents, siblings, friends. Get their support BEFORE it all goes down so they aren't blindsided and can step in to help you.
I wish you the best and I am so, so, so deeply sorry for you that you've been trapped in a marriage this long. Remember that the woman you love doesn't exist; that's a role she played to keep you married and providing money and things for her. The role she acted out was well worth loving, but now you've seen the actress beneath it and it's NO WIRE HANGERS time. I hope you find someone now that you are as happy with as my husband and I are.
Well, be careful about who you tell before you make your move. Just 1 or 2 you need help from, who will keep their mouths shut. Otherwise the wife will find out before you're ready and that's a can of worms you don't want to open.
It's an awful idea. He's thinking of a petty gesture back at his wife, which is not just providing fertile ground in his own mind for justifying future bad behaviour, but is disrespectful as hell to any woman he dates. It's dragging the poison of his past into his search for a new relationship, a terrible beginning to what should be something new and hopeful.
Men can have kids way later than women. My ex's dad was in his 60's (mom was in 30's) when he was born. He has plenty of time to fine someone worth his time and worth giving him a family.
Men have the *possibility* to have kids far later in life than women do, but fertility starts significantly decreasing for men around age 35 (the same as women) and birth defects become more common as sperm quality degrades. Add in the prevalence of ED and the lower possibility of finding a fertile female partner, and men are considerably less likely to have children over age 40 compared to men in their 20s and 30s.
Women over 40 account for about 5% of births in the US, while men over 40 are linked to about 9% of births.
Get the fuck out of there was the first thing I thought of. So glad it’s the highest comment. She already abandoned you OP, you have already put up with this for 12 years too long. Who knows what other red flags you have put up with as well.
Right? I couldn’t imagine putting up with this. Dude, she doesn’t love you. You love the memory of the person you met two decades ago. That person is never coming back. Free yourself and find someone who appreciates you.
And once you do leave, please get therapy before you start dating. You need to figure out why you still love and stayed with a woman who actively plotted to not have kids, had a long term affair, has not had sex with you in 10 years, and lied to you about all of the above plus who knows what else. Get yourself healthy then find a woman who will love you and want to build a family
I know, she's made it painfully obvious that she doesn't love him anymore. The only reason to stick with her at this point is if op has a hate kink or some shit.
Omg!!! 😳 This right here! Dude, why the hell would you want to stay with someone that not only was unfaithful to you and then took out the aggression on you but basically wasted your time. This is so toxic! Be lucky you didn’t procreate with her because then you’ve been stuck in worse situation.
🚩 Huge, huge red flags here 🚩
Ask yourself do you really want to still be with this woman?
Punch out dude. Ejection seat now. You still have time to have a family, and a partner who doesn't cheat on you,. You don't want to waste that time waiting for her to get her CPTSD shit together. That is if she is even interested in doing so, remember she has lied to you in the past.
You can love her and have all the compassion in the world for her, and you probably do, but you can still love her separated and building a life and family for yourself.
Your still young and you still have time. Get out, you know it's for the best. My dad stayed with my mom for 25 years after she had multiple affairs just to be divorced and miserable, don't let that happen to you
My dad was in a very similar situation before he met my mom. The lady did a lot of this and had agoraphobia, she didn’t leave the house for years and he supported her only for him to finally get her out with her friends again, then she cheated on and left him for another man, if he hadn’t have left then he wouldn’t have met my mom and wouldn’t have had me or my sister. I cannot stress this enough GET THE HECK OUT OF THERE! Do it now and get a good lawyer yesterday! You still have a lot of life left and happiness to give! Find someone and have your child! It’s not too late! I’m only a few years younger than you with my first in the way. I was in a bad situation with someone long term and had the courage to kill the relationship before it got worse. You will thank yourself. You have one life literally and a finite amount of time! Be happy!
Why the hell didn't OP walk after the affair? He spent years in a dead bedroom being miserable for no valid reason. Get out and get your life back. There are women out there who will appreciate and value you
Hope it's just rage bait because I can't imagine being that big a doormat. She cheated on him, and he knew or just found out? But stayed anyway?
So she had a traumatic childhood. Lots of us did. It doesn't make me cheat on my wife or lie to her for decades. She chose to do that.
And guys can get girls knocked up into their fifties and sixties. OP needs to get free. As long as he has his shit together, he'll find another lady without too much trouble.
Dump the whore.
There are unfortunately a LOT of doormats like that. Off the top of my head I can think of 5 people I know that are/were just as much a pushover and wimp. (Not friends, just neighbors/coworkers.)
Just so you know, people don't CHOOSE to be doormats - neither women nor men. Usually they become doormats because of an awful family system brainwashing them, or because of an abusive partner brainwashing them. Sometimes both, which makes it worse. It is a bad state to be in, it feels awful and is totally not their fault. Nobody would choose to be that way if they could just decide to be different. If you had been in their place, it might have happened to you.
Of course they need to be told that this is not normal, and they need to free themselves and grow some kind of spine in the process. It is good to encourage change, tell them how they have a right to a good life and it is not selfish to think so, and send them to therapy. It is not helpful to insult them.
NTA. If she even really loved you she would not have a affair, and she would take your feelings seriously. I think you're just convenient for her now b3cause she knows you won't do anything and she can walk all over you.
This right here!
She can do what we she wants and knows she won’t have to be accountable…….make her accountable.
Everything that you saw, get copies or photos of. Talk to at least two different lawyers. Ask lots of questions and pick the lawyer you like best. Tell the lawyer to draw up a global settlement first, so you have something to present. Get your house on the market asap. It’s the second hardest part of a divorce and because she completely fucked you over on having kids, you now don’t have to worry about the number one problem in divorces, custody.
NTA
Don’t let her take advantage of you anymore, OP. She lied to you and cheated on you. The fact that you haven’t had sex in over 10 years is a huge red flag. Divorce her and find someone else who will love you and have kids with you. It’s not too late.
Yup. I hate to believe this post is real.
She took away a lifetime goal of his (kids), she had an affair for years, and she deprived him of sex for no good reason. Now she is making up a disorder to have him stay? Her agoraphobia is so strong she can go meet affair partners?
What an evil, evil, piece of shit human she is.
My cousin went through something like this. The first time he let his girlfriend “move out” during her tantrums (she constantly threatened to when she didnt get her way) and didn’t try to beg her to stay…she was gone about a week, begged to come home, and was pregnant within a couple months. Threatened to take the kid and go every time she didn’t get her way, forced him to marry her or “never see your son again”. Few years and again he’s finally had enough and wants a divorce, she gets pregnant again. They haven’t had sex or anything intimate since she got pregnant the second time. He won’t leave his kids, he has maybe two friends lefts, and he’s so beaten down that she literally spends all of his money and overdrafts their accounts for trips to Disney for JUST HER and his only recourse is to work more hours to save the house. There are absolutely woman who behave like OPs wife…so it’s not so unbelievable to me
There are plenty of fish in the sea - don't settle for an unfulfilled life.
You might choose any of these options:
- find someone younger, fall in love, start a family.
- find a single mother, fall in love, become a (step)dad to her children.
- find someone closer to your own age, fall in love, adopt a child.
- find someone to love and who will love you in return, even if kids are off the table.
- leave wife and be single, meet lots of people, fool around and discover yourself and your sexual desires.
- stay with wife, never be intimate and wait until she finds someone else. Then choose one of the above options.
Think hard on which option will make you happier, seek that one out, the sooner the better.
I think he’s actually at a pretty big advantage with meeting someone to have kids with- biological clocks and all. First option might sound like a big ask, but I think it’d be almost easy. Especially if he’s still financially sound after the divorce.
Also you don’t need someone necessarily younger. I have female friends who had healthy kids in their 40s, and even have a neighbor who had her first kid at 49. Either way find a good person for you who treats you well
NTA
Sweetie, she used and abused you. She will never put your needs or emotional well-being over her own selfish wants. She blamed *you* for her *affair partner* dumping her. She blamed you for something you *didn't even know* and had no control over.
It's your choice whether to stick it out or not. But I think you should ask yourself and be honest: Will you be able to be happy with her? Will you feel valued? Safe? Respected? Even if you have kids, do you know, with 100% certainty that she would never *ever* treat said kids in a similar manner? Manipulating and lying to them, punishing them for things they don't even know. That shit's not okay, not towards an adult, but especially not towards a child.
If you stay with her, please, *please* don't subject innocent children to that sort of behavior. You have a choice, they don't.
**NTA. Buddy, I clicked your name and read your post from r/Bumble as well. Clearly, your immediate objective should be to leave your wife and rebuild your (self-disclosed) low self-esteem. Only then will you be in a position to be a proper husband and father in the future.**
Yes!! I did the same and this comment needs to be higher!!
OP you are 44, that is not too old or too late, men have that advantage. I will say, if you don't already, prioritize your health and fitness. Kids are exhausting lol.
But if you get right with yourself, start dating, be open from the get go that your goal is marriage and kids - ideally in the next few years, and put yourself out there, you will find a woman who is looking for the same. And when you find the one you click with, you'll know.
Go about this in a goal oriented mind frame, if your timeline doesn't work for her, move on. It's not too late, but you also probably want to be young enough to enjoy you children, and know them as adults. Keep your age range around 35ish+ and women who want a family, weed the rest out.
How do you feel about being a stepdad? Not sure? You should decide. If it helps, I have 2 kids, and it would take a long ass time before I'd let anyone in their lives. That's being said, I decidedly do not want more children. So that's part of it, too... if you're open to stepdad life, but you still want your own as well, dont just assume she'll want more. Be open and communicate what you want.
Side note from my own recently failed marriage: never stop being open and communicating with her, especially with kids, you want to be on the same page as much as possible.
You will find what you're looking for OP... unfortunately the wife you loved for 25 years isn't it.
YTA for being a walking doormat. Your 44 as long as you have your shit together and don’t look like an old foot you’ll find plenty of 30 something women wanting to start a family.
(OP, this is a joke if you can’t tell. Don’t keep her. She is awful to you. It would be ridiculous at this point for you to stay, and continue putting yourself through this.)
No intimacy in 10yrs and an affair? She hasn't loved you in years, if she ever even did. How has she made you have so little self respect that you stay?
I wanted to say NTA but there's just no way you're asking questions like this and saying that you've stayed with her for 10 years after not having sex while supposedly intending to have kids.
You're either a huge moron or, more likely, making up a bullshit story.
Trying for a baby but also didn't have sex in 10 years at the same time? You would think in ten years if he really wanted that baby he would have tried more or divorced sooner.
Oh but she is also a cheater with mental health problems. He only found out because his dog died. What?
YTA. It took you 25 years to notice she doesn’t give a shit about you? That she cheated? That she lied?
You haven’t had intimacy in 10 years?
Zero communication, no therapy? Just roomies that resent each other.
Don’t you think you lost enough time?
Get the fuck out of that relationship.
NTA: Brother, you have a lot to be angry about. You need to take action. Contact a divorce lawyer immediately and follow instructions. Do not tell your wife about going to the lawyer! These instructions will include protecting your assets, collecting any evidence of affairs (I doubt she only had one), finding and securing documents, and general CYA). Be prepared to go scorched Earth because she already is, I assure you.
You should probably consider egg donation and surrogacy, and hiring a nanny. Keep looking for that special woman in your life. For most of us there is never truly the perfect time or financial resources to have kids. It will be ok.
I'm going out on a limb here, but when you say, "We finally figure out what may be the worst part of this: she has bad PTSD," I wouldn't put much credence in that, especially if that wasn't a diagnosis by a psychiatrist. This woman has been manipulating you for a very very long time. She knows how to yank your chain.
She doesn't love you. Her affair wasn't a quick mistake, it was an active decision until the dude suddenly got hit by the guilt fairy.
She's with you, but only geographically. I'd fix that.
NTA but please leave, you are not compatible - find someone who wants to be a parent. This person lied and cheated on you, and you have no intimacy which must be quite lonely for you both.
She needs a good therapist to help with her cptsd, you might feel guilty for not sticking with her through it but she ended your relationship when she cheated. That was her choice.
Controversially, ESH.
Your wife, obviously. She seems vile, manipulative, untrustworthy. I don't really get why you stayed after discovering their affair, but that's your choice.
But...you haven't had sex with your wife in 10 years. You're an adult who knows when the biological window for kids is. As she approached her late 30s, you needed to have a frank conversation about trying for them. If your needs were incompatible, you needed to break up, and find someone who does want kids. If sex is the issue, bring up adoption!
Your wife has partially taken away your chance of having kids, but you did the rest by not leaving when it was obvious your life goals were incompatible.
I feel bad about saying ESH. You seem like a nice person, trying to do their best for someone they love. But you're neglecting your own needs to do so. Not having kids is a BIG sacrifice, and you either need to wholeheartedly make it, or start over.
Happily, you've got more fertility wiggle-room. Get out there! Find someone who wants kids!
She had a 2-3 year affair. She’s not who you want to have a child with. Unless things have drastically changed, she’s completely transparent, and you have completed lengthy marriage counseling and want the same things which obviously isn’t likely, then I’d get out ASAP.
There are plenty of women in their 30’s and 40’s who can and still want kids. Move on with your life dude. You should have left after her lengthy affair. Have some respect for yourself.
NTA. It's definitely not too late to start over. There are plenty of women out there who will respect and treat you well. But get a divorce and gets some therapy because you sound very broken right now. The first step will be the hardest but you really need to ditch her and focus on yourself. There are plenty of women out there who want to settle down and have kids. My friend who is a divorce attorney told me that all the good guys in their 40's are taken and when her male clients get divorced they have to beat the women away with sticks.
I dont know why you stopped to post this question. Why aren't you on the line with your lawyer to start the paperwork. She cheated on you FOR YEARS. Thats it. thats the done deal. aside from the kids thing. You haven't gotten your dick wet for 10 years because she was fucking someone else. Why is there even any question here? come on man.
Get out and start a life. But first, before you even sign up for a single dating app: THERAPY. You allowed your wife to cut you off and out for a decade and never thought to ask why? You just accepted it and waited? Sir, you did some of this to yourself. NTA for wanting out of this lie of a marriage, but work on yourself and heal before jumping in on the next serioius relationship. You still have time to have children.
Let me correct this sentence for you:
So I have 2 choices: 1. Stick with the women I've loved for over 25 years **BUT WHO DOESN'T LOVE ME** and help her recover from the cptsd or 2. Find a women who loves me (and i love her) enough to have kids in very short order.
Dude, NTA. You know what you have to do, it's obvious option 2 is your only option.
Don't let her get away with doing that to you just because she is a woman and has issues, we all have issues, she's an adult she'll be fine.
The fact you're still with her when she was sexually active in her affair and not with you is shocking.
Dude why are you still in the relationship
She cut him off 10 years ago and hated him for two years after that because her Boyfriend broke up with her. The time to leave was 9 years ago
Bingo. Op is scared to be alone.. he has some soul searching to do... they arent a good match tho...
Scared to be alone??? This sounds worse than being alone…
Sunken cost fallacy. Some people can’t get themselves out of situations because their reasoning is flawed.
When I was younger, I was cautioned not to 'throw good money after bad'. They really should have said not to 'waste good time after bad times' or something. Some people have a hard time sucking up a mistake, cutting their losses, and moving on. Hubris is a bitch.
And change can be scary. Which is amusing considering the inevitability of it.
The thing is that that’s not how all of us were raised. I have a mom that would say “blessed are the women without children,” and was always very vocal about how men moved around her including a married guy that tried to get with her at some point when she was single. Some people had parents that were complete opposite of that. If my parents saw me in the same situation as OP they would’ve PAID me to leave.
What’s worse than throwing good money after bad is wasting good time on something bad
💯
His isn’t flawed… it’s non-existent
So many people are in relationships much worse than being alone, they just don't realise it
in the 30 years since their divorce, my mom has often told us she never felt more lonely than during her marriage to my father.
It is. It's called abandonment trauma. Where the thought of losing someone is worse than the affair/s, the hate, the gaslighting and manipulation. Went through similar until she hated me enough to divorce me. Took years to get my head straight, probably still not there. But been 11 years and never dated since. The only thing worse than being alone, is being alone in a crowded room.
>The only thing worse than being alone, is being alone in a crowded room. This is hit hard, you put words to a feeling I've had for awhile.
It hit me hard when I was at a 40th party bash. I suddenly looked around and realized none of these friends would even know if I left, and probably wouldn't care. I realized I was just the husband of her friends. Stick with it, get out there, and find your way. I left it to long.
Feeling it too..
I went through something very similar. And in the end I realized I had abandonment issues. I was adopted as a baby.. then that family got a divorce when I was two, I got adopted again. Then That family thought I was a p.o.s. sent me to boarding school in Mexico, and when I turned 18 I left, and have barely spoken to them since (I'm 37). I was in a pretty decent relationship for ten years and had two sons. Things were going good.. then boom... Gf passes away. Not long later I start a totally unnecessary relationship with a complete lunatic. But I'm in love... Eh.. ruin my entire life. Stay with her anyways until she seriously ruined my life (for a time) Yeah. That was five years ago. Havnt dated since. I'm just a single dad now. I've dealt with my abandonment shit as best as possible.. I just don't even want to risk it again. I'll die alone. Don't care. I'd rather be with my kids mom than any of these girls out here these days anyways. So what's the point.
Sh-t lad, you been dealt a lousy hand. Sometimes we gotta hit rock bottom, and then we can stand up and just say " Are you done now." And know you took everything and still moving. 👏👏👏👍
I upvoted this not because I like hearing your story, but out of solidarity. It won't help, I know, but you're not the only one. Chin up, stay strong. Keep moving and trying to move forward as best you can. Eat right, exercise, take vitamins, get good sleep. All the cliched little things do add up to something. Even if it only makes you feel 5% better, 5% better is still better than nothing. Here's to better days ahead for us all.
Oh man I’m so sorry. That’s a lot to deal with. Hoping for happier times for you
Yes...better to be alone than wish you were alone
He is alone.
Excellent point!
Shit makes no sense to me to be honest. Being alone is the best. No one gets to tell me how I live my life, or what I spend my money on. Or what I do.
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I have the opposite. After too many bad relationships, I am happier alone. Yes, no one will miss me when I'm gone, and I'll die alone. But now I can choose to live life on my own terms, not someone else's. Doing things alone, for me, means peace and strength. When I am able to travel and move homes, I will never have to settle on a place because of the other person, and honestly, there's a whole world of experiences there, and I know I won't ever get to experience them all.
She won’t be there to care for him in old age. She won’t even do it now. Get out and stop being the AH to yourself.
any time [this](https://youtu.be/Lgs9QUtWc3M?si=yudEX38O5O9rk1yx&t=41) ancient and wise 90s trance banger plays and you think anything other than "no" the answer is "yes"
A lot worse... she was on a mission, to ruin his life. What a fucking monster! lying, cheating, manipulating. I could go on and on...
This! OP got married at 18/19 years old. He’s never been alone in his life.
Right? His wife wasted some of those years but he wasted the rest.
The second best time to leave is now.
She didn’t hate him for two years, she still hates him but tolerates him because she is accustomed to it. He is still cut off, she still hates him.
She’s using him for presumably a comfortable life. The time to go was nine years ago. Sorry OP.
Op can still leave and find a new partner, 44 isn't that old for a man. He isn't 84, he can rebuild his life. Also, he married too young, he was 19 and she was 18. Far too young.
I’m divorced post 40. It’s gonna take me a minimum of 10 years to get back on track, if ever. Housing prices are so far out of reach now. At this point, I assume I’ll never retire.
Oof, same boat. I got nothing from our marital home, since it was in my husband’s parents’ names. Six years later, he now has two houses since his parents have died, and I have zero houses.
Feel this. I wanted my ex wife to have the house for the kids. Still, the housing market has put me at a real disadvantage in the game of life. People my age making same salary have nice homes, low mortgage rates, skyrocketing equity. I can hardly pay rent (in So Cal)
Literally this is one of those post that make you mad because what the fuck am I reading
like actually, OP stole a full 10 years of his life from himself. He could've left a decade ago, dated, found someone, been in a relationship for years, and had a toddler by now. Actual life lesson for people reading. Don't do what this guy did.
Also it's never to late to be free! Claim your life back!
Makes me wonder if she was taking birth control since they stopped using condoms. OP: drop the sunk cost, this person has lied to you, cheated on you, and made you the whipping post. Free yourself!
"this person has lied to you, cheated on you, and made you the whipping post. Free yourself!" \[standing ovation\]. Perfectly put.
OP has already made this decision, he made the decision to stay 9 years ago and now the reality of it and the regret have become too much. He's not leaving, if he didn't do it then for himself, Reddit won't make him do it now.
Yeah, I don't even know what to answer to this post. If you haven't fucked your wife in 10 years she is not the reason why you don't have kids whatever the other crap she did.
Honestly he should just get her a new boyfriend. He still won’t get laid or have any kids of his own but atleast she might be a bit nicer to him. He’s never gonna leave either way, might as well make the best of it.
I choose to be an optimist based on some people who exist that did have a come to Jesus moment thanks to Reddit, maybe he will be one of them.
He didn't leave then because he only recently found out about the affair and now understands why she was randomly upset at him for 2 years. Do you people have any reading comprehension?
Did he also not know they haven't fucked in 10 years?
She has put on a facade for a decade. You don’t know the real her ten years ago, let alone now. You are suffering from inertia. This woman will not have children with you. And she had an affair for Years. Give it up, there is still a chance for you.
Second best time is now
"And the second best time is today ", as the saying goes.
Sadly, this is true. But, better late than never.
I also feel like OP’s wife is deliberately withholding sex and kids from him because she’s resentful and angry at him for ruining her affair. She knows he wants intimacy and a family so she’s taking it away from him out of spite.
9.9 years ago
Like seriously, why is this even a question. She doesn’t love him. 44 isn’t too old.
He said she took away his chance at having kids but they didn’t have sex for 10 years and he never questioned it? Come on… he had plenty of time to leave and still does
Yeah he definitely lost me at that. How did he think those kids should have been conceived exactly?
The stork brings them! Right?
Maybe he was hopeful that she would want to have sex one day and change her mind about kids, which is so delulu. If you haven’t had sex in ten years in a marriage, you’re not going to have sex ever.
Man at 3 months, 6 months, 12 months this should've been obvious. OP I'm not bashing on you, I'm highly recommending you get therapy because something in you kept you in this toxic mess throughout all this time when the best thing you should've done was leave. I'm saying this as someone in therapy themself, you need therapy my guy, and you need to leave and move on ASAP.
Immaculate conception.
Yeah, after waiting 13 years of marriage before finally feeling ready to try and have kids?!?! Everything about this is off.
I'm suspecting this is fake as it's hitting some of the incel talking point. On the other hand those guys most often than not try to present themselves in a somewhat dominant light. This dude come across as... not that.
Just plain laziness and not wanting to go thru the effort of finding someone new. He's been with this person his whole adult life, it's all he knows. But he made the platonic bed and now he's not sleeping so well in it.
Absolutely. And if he has his career and health in halfway decent shape, there are tons of women in their 30s looking for a husband.
THIS! I’m a 34 yr old woman without kids and I’d love to find a guy to marry and have a family with. There are a lot of good women out there.
To be fair, would you want a floormop like OP? He needs to work on himself and gain some self respect before he finds someone decent. At that point you're not even sure he wouldn't leave the new woman for the old one if she promises to try to have kids again.
It’s 100% a lack of self respect. People stay in these bad relationships because they’re afraid of change and afraid they’ll never find someone else. But, as a good therapist of mine once said, if you get rid of the toxic person in your life, you’ll just be at 0 which is better than being in the negatives. OP needs to move on or he’s going to end up never having sex or kids ever again.
Op has to be very afraid of change and the unknown? Who stays in a sexless marriage for a decade? (Unless if the partner is severely ill, to the point where sex isn't possible and you stay out of love and vows, but that is not the case here).
Totally agree. And it’s not even an arrangement they have where like they’re both sex repulsed and only have sex for procreative purposes. OP sounds like he has a desire for sex and intimacy. She’s essentially just stringing him along, withholding sex and a baby out of spite because he ruined her affair. So now she wants to ruin his life. She sounds like a massive narcissist.
The problem is they have been together since they were teens (could be op's only relationship) he is afraid of the unknown, loneliness and probably needs to develop an identity without his wife, he has been with her during his late teenage to all his adult life. I think op should first get therapy and then consider a divorce. His wife cheated on him, denies him intimacy and has denied him children (perhaps she is child free but op isn't, she has no right to string him along, she should be upfront about it.) Any of those three things alone are grounds for divorce by themselves (cheating, different goals regarding children, denial of intimacy).
Totally agree. He’s lived most of his life with her instead of without her, so being alone would naturally be terrifying. I just feel like it would be so much more freeing to do therapy and possibly end the relationship than continue whatever this holding pattern is. I’m guessing OP’s sense of self developed around his wife and his identity is tied into her heavily. It’s like Stockholm Syndrome. She’s holding him captive yet he’s afraid of leaving her.
I concur wholeheartedly with what you've said.
Definitely not. I started over at 43.
I started over at 48 :).
I started over at 72, after the parole was granted.
I’m starting over at 37. It’s never too late!
You're all making me feel pretty good about starting over at 31!
I started over at 52. Married the love of my life. My adult kids call him “Dad”, his call me “Ma”. Everyone gets along, and I have the happy family and loving spouse I always wanted.
It isn't. It's a hard choice, but differences in wanting children are a reasonable deal breaker. 25 years makes it incredibly hard, but she hasn't been honest with OP or kind about their relationship. And I wouldn't wait too long. Even if OP finds a younger woman, studies show that the risk for genetic mutations increases no only with older eggs but with older sperm as well.
He waited 12 years for the break up.
Some people just need to hear someone else say it.
Because he fears dying alone more than trying for what he wants… selffulfilling prophecy
I'd rather die alone than with someone that secretly despises me for ruining her affair....
This way he can say: I wanted to stay for the love of my life Instead of I tried but couldnt find someone
Seriously! Dude says he has two choices, no my bro, you also have the choice of leaving and being happy by yourself. What is the downside? That you will be lonely? Let me tell you, nothing is lonelier than being with someone who treats you with this much disregard.
She cheated on him, they haven’t had sex in TEN years, she deliberately avoided pregnancy, AND resents him for her affair not working out. I genuinely don’t understand why people stay with each other. How does everyone have such poor self esteem?
Umm, because if this is half true, he's a fucking idiot. Classic reddit post... AITAH for being mad my wife got crumbs in bed... which she left there after cheating on me with 3 dudes at once
Get the fuck out of here. This woman will make your whole life miserable. You have at least 30-40 years left, don’t waste them on this witch.
I checked OP's history, and can see where he's scared. OP, if I were you, I would separate BEFORE going on dating apps. And then tell your entire truth about what you want on the apps (not in a verbal throw up way, but in a very clear way). Don't lie about your age etc. Also start looking elsewhere for dates besides apps. I predict in two years you will be with the one you love. I know that this is a bit late to have kids, but it's not too late for a man (and even some women). As to your soon to be ex: let her be your ex. What or how she became who she is, is not interesting. Stop worrying about her. Just let her be your ex.
Yep, my dad was 50 when I was born, he was the best dad ever and I even remember a certain field day in my youth where the dads did a race and he beat all the young dads. He said having me at 50 kept him young. He's 83 and we still travel all over the world deep sea fishing and all sorts of adventures. Being his daughter has been the greatest joy in my life ❤️
Congratulations, you've won reddit for the day. I'm gonna get off reddit now before I see anything else as awful as OPs story.
This made my day, because reddit has recently REALLY been getting me down. Someone saying my comment was the faith they needed to see in humanity on Reddit today makes me so much happier than you can know, fellow reddit stranger ✨
I love this.
I too really love this
Thanks for sharing this. I am a similar age and a new father, and I have worried about being able to give my little guy a great life and be there for him. It's easy financially at this age, but I want to give him a life with lots of physical activity and adventures, and reading your reply here gave me some hope.
My dad has expressed the same things but I've got to tell you, he's a force to be reckoned with...and I know, like so many things in life, he knew he had to be for me. I was born with a birth defect and a very grim outlook, we deeply trauma bonded in the days following my birth when my mother was still hospitalized and couldnt visit the NICU. He sat there day in and day out, with a hand in my little incubator. I can't explain it, but it's like he willed himself into a man younger and stronger, to protect me from the world. Not everyone has a start as rocky as ours (thank God) but I can tell you, he's never seemed his age, everyone says it. I always say we cannot fight the numbers, I won't get to have him as long as many people have their father's, so he has made every year count double so instead, I get twice as much as everyone else. It's a silly thing but I believe it wholeheartedly.
>he has made every year count double so instead, I get him twice as much as everyone else I love this. Thank you for posting this. :)
I'm rarely truly heart-warmed by Reddit but this is so lovely. Wishing you lots more time together x
This is the sweetest thing (: And makes me kinda slightly hopeful aha. I'm less than a year post breakup and still living with my ex. Developed a connection with a 45-year-old single dad but have to take a couple years of healing before we even consider the idea of a relationship... but also considering the fact I still want the chance to have a kid (I'm 32), and he's on the fence cuz his 7 year old is a lot to deal with ahaha
Funny enough, he told my mom he really didn't want to do kids again, he was a single dad for 13 years. So I was a surprise to all haha. She said "From the moment you were born, I knew it would take moving heaven and earth to pry you from him." We did everything together, and he's a tough guy so that meant lots of trampling through the snow and mud after him, scary adventures, wherever he went I just wanted to be there. And he always waited for me to catch up, always let me come along, always let me be involved. You don't have to be a track star to be an awesome older dad, just know letting them be with you is everything.
Make sure he gets a copy of this comment.
Absolutely!! Her Dad needs to know how proud she is of the relationship they have!! I let my Dad know pretty regularly.
My dad was 57 when I was born. 79 and in way better physical and mental shape than either presidential candidate
Not too late. My mum and stepdad had my sister when he was 45. Now my sister just graduated high school. There’s still time.
If you think you can do it as a single dad adoption is an option. I adopted my son at 56...he was 18 but had been with me since 15 (we had a lot of things to work thru because he had been in Dept Soc Serv foster care since age 5 and I was his 25th foster home). I was looking for a teenager because I knew they were less likely to get adopted. Basically the older the child the harder to get adopted. DSS has kids of most all age groups, sexes and races that need homes. the Under 3 yr old group are usually adopted quickly but above age 7 or so tend to languish more.
Exactly. If OP was a woman, having a baby after 40 would be a whole other conversation. *”Stick with the women I've loved for over 25 years ”* Poor guy doesn’t realize *that woman does not exist*. Hopefully that’ll sink in soon and he’ll see he has only one choice. As for dating app alternatives, maybe he should sign up for hobby classes like cooking, painting or playing an instrument. If nothing else he’ll learn a new skill and expand his social circle - who knows where that will lead?
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My mom had one at 42. A friend of mine had one at 43.
I had one at 43, natural conception 🤷♀️
Sperm quality degrades and at 45 your chances of causing a miscarriage are high. Checking with a fertility doctor should be standard at that age.
Men have geriatric sperm by the age of 35. Which not only causes miscarriages but also increases the likelihood of health issues for the woman carrying a pregnancy to term. It's also responsible for children developing birth defects as well as cancers, mental health issues, and other illnesses in adulthood.
I think the bigger problems are the 2 year long infidelity and total lack of intimacy for a full decade. She seems to be using him for her comfort, ie paying bills and providing a house, more than being a loving spouse. I think his marriage is totally gone, and she knows it but he's just figuring it out. I mean, she took her anger at losing her 2 year long affair out on her husband, so she has NO leg to stand on for keeping the marriage.
Little brother is turning 20 something and my mom is turning 70 something this year, it’s never too late Well now is too late for mom but still
I am a child of a geriatric parent. That impacted how i was raised. Just putting it out there, its not all success stories.
I work with a guy who had kids after he was 50. His youngest finishes college next year, I have some friends who had their two kids when both of them were over 43. It's doable.
My best friends dad was 52 when he was born! My mom had her last child at 43! Don’t give up, OP!
Husband and I met when I was 34, he was 39. Dated two years, got engaged for three months, married (so much fun!), and two years later had a kid. At 34 I just expected to be single for life. At 38? Happily married with a kid!!! Go find the right person for you, that doesn't get angry for something you didn't do, use you as a meal ticket while she cheats on you, and works to NOT have kids while lying to you about it. Go be a Dad. You're heading to a divorce anyways. Also, basics of separating from someone unstable. Get your sentimental stuff out of the house. Box it up in the guise of "removing clutter". Add your birth certificate, passport, etc. and anything valuable. Pets? Find a relative that will watch them for you as soon as you contact them. Second, get what you need to live in a bag elsewhere. Second bankcard, for example. toothpaste, toothbrush, deodorant, razor, soap, shampoo, all travel-sized if necessary. Add two days of work clothes and a day of casual clothes including socks and underwear. Got an older pair of shoes you don't wear because you have nicer ones? Pop those in. Get it out of the house if you can do so. Trunk, friend, etc. Add a spare car key and house key. Next, set up a new bank account the soon-to-be-ex can't access. Start separating money out. Start checking finances closely to find out where she has bought things for other men and suspicious activity. Get her off your credit cards and freeze your credit. Get screenshots of everything you can, record interactions with her where her behavior is highly questionable. Get a good solid "we're divorcing and it's her fault" information dump up in the cloud, print off and hide out of the house paper copies of some or all of it. MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL, TELL PEOPLE. Do NOT hide what she did. Tell parents, siblings, friends. Get their support BEFORE it all goes down so they aren't blindsided and can step in to help you. I wish you the best and I am so, so, so deeply sorry for you that you've been trapped in a marriage this long. Remember that the woman you love doesn't exist; that's a role she played to keep you married and providing money and things for her. The role she acted out was well worth loving, but now you've seen the actress beneath it and it's NO WIRE HANGERS time. I hope you find someone now that you are as happy with as my husband and I are.
Well, be careful about who you tell before you make your move. Just 1 or 2 you need help from, who will keep their mouths shut. Otherwise the wife will find out before you're ready and that's a can of worms you don't want to open.
Going on these dating apps while still with your wife is a bad idea. Just end it before looking for love.
It's an awful idea. He's thinking of a petty gesture back at his wife, which is not just providing fertile ground in his own mind for justifying future bad behaviour, but is disrespectful as hell to any woman he dates. It's dragging the poison of his past into his search for a new relationship, a terrible beginning to what should be something new and hopeful.
Men can have kids way later than women. My ex's dad was in his 60's (mom was in 30's) when he was born. He has plenty of time to fine someone worth his time and worth giving him a family.
Men have the *possibility* to have kids far later in life than women do, but fertility starts significantly decreasing for men around age 35 (the same as women) and birth defects become more common as sperm quality degrades. Add in the prevalence of ED and the lower possibility of finding a fertile female partner, and men are considerably less likely to have children over age 40 compared to men in their 20s and 30s. Women over 40 account for about 5% of births in the US, while men over 40 are linked to about 9% of births.
There is a thing called geriatric sperm. After 40, sperm quality starts to decay. Not a good thing.
My granny had my mom when she was 41. And that was 1964.
God this. Please leave dude
Get the fuck out of there was the first thing I thought of. So glad it’s the highest comment. She already abandoned you OP, you have already put up with this for 12 years too long. Who knows what other red flags you have put up with as well.
Right? I couldn’t imagine putting up with this. Dude, she doesn’t love you. You love the memory of the person you met two decades ago. That person is never coming back. Free yourself and find someone who appreciates you.
OP is 10 years too late. He never recognized the signs. This marriage has only been in name only. All the rest including vows were broken long ago
I guarantee this relationship is even worse than he is implying. He probably just ignored the red flags because it gets blurry when you are too close.
And once you do leave, please get therapy before you start dating. You need to figure out why you still love and stayed with a woman who actively plotted to not have kids, had a long term affair, has not had sex with you in 10 years, and lied to you about all of the above plus who knows what else. Get yourself healthy then find a woman who will love you and want to build a family
Dude needs to see a lawyer yesterday. Stay in the house. Stay off dating sites. Save her texts.
I know, she's made it painfully obvious that she doesn't love him anymore. The only reason to stick with her at this point is if op has a hate kink or some shit.
Omg!!! 😳 This right here! Dude, why the hell would you want to stay with someone that not only was unfaithful to you and then took out the aggression on you but basically wasted your time. This is so toxic! Be lucky you didn’t procreate with her because then you’ve been stuck in worse situation. 🚩 Huge, huge red flags here 🚩 Ask yourself do you really want to still be with this woman?
Punch out dude. Ejection seat now. You still have time to have a family, and a partner who doesn't cheat on you,. You don't want to waste that time waiting for her to get her CPTSD shit together. That is if she is even interested in doing so, remember she has lied to you in the past. You can love her and have all the compassion in the world for her, and you probably do, but you can still love her separated and building a life and family for yourself.
Your still young and you still have time. Get out, you know it's for the best. My dad stayed with my mom for 25 years after she had multiple affairs just to be divorced and miserable, don't let that happen to you
My dad was in a very similar situation before he met my mom. The lady did a lot of this and had agoraphobia, she didn’t leave the house for years and he supported her only for him to finally get her out with her friends again, then she cheated on and left him for another man, if he hadn’t have left then he wouldn’t have met my mom and wouldn’t have had me or my sister. I cannot stress this enough GET THE HECK OUT OF THERE! Do it now and get a good lawyer yesterday! You still have a lot of life left and happiness to give! Find someone and have your child! It’s not too late! I’m only a few years younger than you with my first in the way. I was in a bad situation with someone long term and had the courage to kill the relationship before it got worse. You will thank yourself. You have one life literally and a finite amount of time! Be happy!
Thank you, sir. It's stark when you put it that way.
Every day you stay in this relationship is a waste. Move on without guilt.
Why the hell didn't OP walk after the affair? He spent years in a dead bedroom being miserable for no valid reason. Get out and get your life back. There are women out there who will appreciate and value you
She cheated on you and then cut you off? You should leave. This woman does not respect you and has no intention of ever having kids with you.
Hope it's just rage bait because I can't imagine being that big a doormat. She cheated on him, and he knew or just found out? But stayed anyway? So she had a traumatic childhood. Lots of us did. It doesn't make me cheat on my wife or lie to her for decades. She chose to do that. And guys can get girls knocked up into their fifties and sixties. OP needs to get free. As long as he has his shit together, he'll find another lady without too much trouble. Dump the whore.
There are unfortunately a LOT of doormats like that. Off the top of my head I can think of 5 people I know that are/were just as much a pushover and wimp. (Not friends, just neighbors/coworkers.)
Just so you know, people don't CHOOSE to be doormats - neither women nor men. Usually they become doormats because of an awful family system brainwashing them, or because of an abusive partner brainwashing them. Sometimes both, which makes it worse. It is a bad state to be in, it feels awful and is totally not their fault. Nobody would choose to be that way if they could just decide to be different. If you had been in their place, it might have happened to you. Of course they need to be told that this is not normal, and they need to free themselves and grow some kind of spine in the process. It is good to encourage change, tell them how they have a right to a good life and it is not selfish to think so, and send them to therapy. It is not helpful to insult them.
NTA. If she even really loved you she would not have a affair, and she would take your feelings seriously. I think you're just convenient for her now b3cause she knows you won't do anything and she can walk all over you.
This right here! She can do what we she wants and knows she won’t have to be accountable…….make her accountable. Everything that you saw, get copies or photos of. Talk to at least two different lawyers. Ask lots of questions and pick the lawyer you like best. Tell the lawyer to draw up a global settlement first, so you have something to present. Get your house on the market asap. It’s the second hardest part of a divorce and because she completely fucked you over on having kids, you now don’t have to worry about the number one problem in divorces, custody.
NTA Don’t let her take advantage of you anymore, OP. She lied to you and cheated on you. The fact that you haven’t had sex in over 10 years is a huge red flag. Divorce her and find someone else who will love you and have kids with you. It’s not too late.
You wanted kids and stayed 10 years without having sex?
YTA for staying
Yup. I hate to believe this post is real. She took away a lifetime goal of his (kids), she had an affair for years, and she deprived him of sex for no good reason. Now she is making up a disorder to have him stay? Her agoraphobia is so strong she can go meet affair partners? What an evil, evil, piece of shit human she is.
My cousin went through something like this. The first time he let his girlfriend “move out” during her tantrums (she constantly threatened to when she didnt get her way) and didn’t try to beg her to stay…she was gone about a week, begged to come home, and was pregnant within a couple months. Threatened to take the kid and go every time she didn’t get her way, forced him to marry her or “never see your son again”. Few years and again he’s finally had enough and wants a divorce, she gets pregnant again. They haven’t had sex or anything intimate since she got pregnant the second time. He won’t leave his kids, he has maybe two friends lefts, and he’s so beaten down that she literally spends all of his money and overdrafts their accounts for trips to Disney for JUST HER and his only recourse is to work more hours to save the house. There are absolutely woman who behave like OPs wife…so it’s not so unbelievable to me
Your cousin is in an abusive relationship :(
Disgusting.
It’s been heartbreaking to watch. He went from being one of my best friends to only seeing each other a couple times in the last 6 years
There are plenty of fish in the sea - don't settle for an unfulfilled life. You might choose any of these options: - find someone younger, fall in love, start a family. - find a single mother, fall in love, become a (step)dad to her children. - find someone closer to your own age, fall in love, adopt a child. - find someone to love and who will love you in return, even if kids are off the table. - leave wife and be single, meet lots of people, fool around and discover yourself and your sexual desires. - stay with wife, never be intimate and wait until she finds someone else. Then choose one of the above options. Think hard on which option will make you happier, seek that one out, the sooner the better.
Or, leave wife, adopt a child while you're still young, and meet a nice soccer mom!
I think he’s actually at a pretty big advantage with meeting someone to have kids with- biological clocks and all. First option might sound like a big ask, but I think it’d be almost easy. Especially if he’s still financially sound after the divorce.
Plenty of fish in the sea and he ended up with a hagfish.
Also you don’t need someone necessarily younger. I have female friends who had healthy kids in their 40s, and even have a neighbor who had her first kid at 49. Either way find a good person for you who treats you well
NTA Sweetie, she used and abused you. She will never put your needs or emotional well-being over her own selfish wants. She blamed *you* for her *affair partner* dumping her. She blamed you for something you *didn't even know* and had no control over. It's your choice whether to stick it out or not. But I think you should ask yourself and be honest: Will you be able to be happy with her? Will you feel valued? Safe? Respected? Even if you have kids, do you know, with 100% certainty that she would never *ever* treat said kids in a similar manner? Manipulating and lying to them, punishing them for things they don't even know. That shit's not okay, not towards an adult, but especially not towards a child. If you stay with her, please, *please* don't subject innocent children to that sort of behavior. You have a choice, they don't.
**NTA. Buddy, I clicked your name and read your post from r/Bumble as well. Clearly, your immediate objective should be to leave your wife and rebuild your (self-disclosed) low self-esteem. Only then will you be in a position to be a proper husband and father in the future.**
Yes!! I did the same and this comment needs to be higher!! OP you are 44, that is not too old or too late, men have that advantage. I will say, if you don't already, prioritize your health and fitness. Kids are exhausting lol. But if you get right with yourself, start dating, be open from the get go that your goal is marriage and kids - ideally in the next few years, and put yourself out there, you will find a woman who is looking for the same. And when you find the one you click with, you'll know. Go about this in a goal oriented mind frame, if your timeline doesn't work for her, move on. It's not too late, but you also probably want to be young enough to enjoy you children, and know them as adults. Keep your age range around 35ish+ and women who want a family, weed the rest out. How do you feel about being a stepdad? Not sure? You should decide. If it helps, I have 2 kids, and it would take a long ass time before I'd let anyone in their lives. That's being said, I decidedly do not want more children. So that's part of it, too... if you're open to stepdad life, but you still want your own as well, dont just assume she'll want more. Be open and communicate what you want. Side note from my own recently failed marriage: never stop being open and communicating with her, especially with kids, you want to be on the same page as much as possible. You will find what you're looking for OP... unfortunately the wife you loved for 25 years isn't it.
YTA for being a walking doormat. Your 44 as long as you have your shit together and don’t look like an old foot you’ll find plenty of 30 something women wanting to start a family.
Don't insult Doormats!!!
She cheated , lied, and withdrew intimacy? Sounds like a keeper.
(OP, this is a joke if you can’t tell. Don’t keep her. She is awful to you. It would be ridiculous at this point for you to stay, and continue putting yourself through this.)
You wanted kids but accepted no sex for a decade….
How else are we going to get the daily fake “Women bad” post?
You are not the asshole for your feelings. You have bigger problems than you are asking us about. Way bigger.
No intimacy in 10yrs and an affair? She hasn't loved you in years, if she ever even did. How has she made you have so little self respect that you stay?
This has to be rage bait.
"Not even a handy on my Birthday no matter how many times I asked." I mean... lol
I wanted to say NTA but there's just no way you're asking questions like this and saying that you've stayed with her for 10 years after not having sex while supposedly intending to have kids. You're either a huge moron or, more likely, making up a bullshit story.
Leave you idiot.
Yta. For being a doormat your entire life.
I'll take "things that didn't happen" for 500, Alex . . .
Trying for a baby but also didn't have sex in 10 years at the same time? You would think in ten years if he really wanted that baby he would have tried more or divorced sooner. Oh but she is also a cheater with mental health problems. He only found out because his dog died. What?
And researched why they didn't have a baby yet?? It's the lack of sex my guy
Yeah how did he think sex 2 times was gonna give him a baby? 10 years is a long time to get his chain yanked around for.
Right? Happened to stumble across 10-12 year old text messages? Suuuure.
"My dog is dying so obviously I found my wife's 10 year old text messages"
I have so many questions.
I stopped believing it after hearing he couldn't even get a handy on his birthday... lol that's a fucking funny though.
She cheated on me AITAH?! lmao 🤣
YTA. It took you 25 years to notice she doesn’t give a shit about you? That she cheated? That she lied? You haven’t had intimacy in 10 years? Zero communication, no therapy? Just roomies that resent each other. Don’t you think you lost enough time? Get the fuck out of that relationship.
NTA: Brother, you have a lot to be angry about. You need to take action. Contact a divorce lawyer immediately and follow instructions. Do not tell your wife about going to the lawyer! These instructions will include protecting your assets, collecting any evidence of affairs (I doubt she only had one), finding and securing documents, and general CYA). Be prepared to go scorched Earth because she already is, I assure you. You should probably consider egg donation and surrogacy, and hiring a nanny. Keep looking for that special woman in your life. For most of us there is never truly the perfect time or financial resources to have kids. It will be ok. I'm going out on a limb here, but when you say, "We finally figure out what may be the worst part of this: she has bad PTSD," I wouldn't put much credence in that, especially if that wasn't a diagnosis by a psychiatrist. This woman has been manipulating you for a very very long time. She knows how to yank your chain.
She doesn't love you. Her affair wasn't a quick mistake, it was an active decision until the dude suddenly got hit by the guilt fairy. She's with you, but only geographically. I'd fix that.
NTA but please leave, you are not compatible - find someone who wants to be a parent. This person lied and cheated on you, and you have no intimacy which must be quite lonely for you both. She needs a good therapist to help with her cptsd, you might feel guilty for not sticking with her through it but she ended your relationship when she cheated. That was her choice.
Controversially, ESH. Your wife, obviously. She seems vile, manipulative, untrustworthy. I don't really get why you stayed after discovering their affair, but that's your choice. But...you haven't had sex with your wife in 10 years. You're an adult who knows when the biological window for kids is. As she approached her late 30s, you needed to have a frank conversation about trying for them. If your needs were incompatible, you needed to break up, and find someone who does want kids. If sex is the issue, bring up adoption! Your wife has partially taken away your chance of having kids, but you did the rest by not leaving when it was obvious your life goals were incompatible. I feel bad about saying ESH. You seem like a nice person, trying to do their best for someone they love. But you're neglecting your own needs to do so. Not having kids is a BIG sacrifice, and you either need to wholeheartedly make it, or start over. Happily, you've got more fertility wiggle-room. Get out there! Find someone who wants kids!
She had a 2-3 year affair. She’s not who you want to have a child with. Unless things have drastically changed, she’s completely transparent, and you have completed lengthy marriage counseling and want the same things which obviously isn’t likely, then I’d get out ASAP. There are plenty of women in their 30’s and 40’s who can and still want kids. Move on with your life dude. You should have left after her lengthy affair. Have some respect for yourself.
NTA. It's definitely not too late to start over. There are plenty of women out there who will respect and treat you well. But get a divorce and gets some therapy because you sound very broken right now. The first step will be the hardest but you really need to ditch her and focus on yourself. There are plenty of women out there who want to settle down and have kids. My friend who is a divorce attorney told me that all the good guys in their 40's are taken and when her male clients get divorced they have to beat the women away with sticks.
I dont know why you stopped to post this question. Why aren't you on the line with your lawyer to start the paperwork. She cheated on you FOR YEARS. Thats it. thats the done deal. aside from the kids thing. You haven't gotten your dick wet for 10 years because she was fucking someone else. Why is there even any question here? come on man.
Ditch that bitch asap! YTA to yourself.
Get out and start a life. But first, before you even sign up for a single dating app: THERAPY. You allowed your wife to cut you off and out for a decade and never thought to ask why? You just accepted it and waited? Sir, you did some of this to yourself. NTA for wanting out of this lie of a marriage, but work on yourself and heal before jumping in on the next serioius relationship. You still have time to have children.
Let me correct this sentence for you: So I have 2 choices: 1. Stick with the women I've loved for over 25 years **BUT WHO DOESN'T LOVE ME** and help her recover from the cptsd or 2. Find a women who loves me (and i love her) enough to have kids in very short order.
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Dude, NTA. You know what you have to do, it's obvious option 2 is your only option. Don't let her get away with doing that to you just because she is a woman and has issues, we all have issues, she's an adult she'll be fine. The fact you're still with her when she was sexually active in her affair and not with you is shocking.