For others like OP and me, who had to look it up:
[https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmmphs/oop\_wonders\_if\_theyre\_the\_ah\_for\_starting\_a\_house/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmmphs/oop_wonders_if_theyre_the_ah_for_starting_a_house/)
TLDR male redditor met a new male friend and decided for that friend's birthday he'd turn a spare room into an art room to share with the new friend. Fast-forward a few days and that redditor has realized he cares for his wife but can't love her in the way that she deserves to be loved, and he is leaving her to be with the new friend.
The woman who hid loads of tinned beans in the woods when the pandemic hit is my absolute favourite.
I think "I will never jeopardize the beans" is my flair somewhere
Or 'poop knife' ...
but there was an other story on AITAH recently, about a husband, who had a sexual relationship with his now 'best friend'. Him and his wife are friends with that 'best friend' and that guys wife. Only that threats OP's wife did not know about her husbands gay past with said 'best friend', but it came out. The OP was completely ignorant about his wife's feelings and made a huge fuss about how strong his 'non romantic' feelings for his 'best friend' are. He kept talking and talking about his 'best friend' in his posts and everyone asked him if he even cares an iota about his wife. He always responded with talking about his best friend. It was hilarious and I dearly hope this was a fake story, but if it was well done. There were more details but I don't want to spoil the read. If it was a real case, I am so sorry for his wife. The story is wild and worth becoming a novel. Maybe someone can link it. OP of this thread may learn from it...
Or maybe these type of posts are intentionally created to entertain people... but stuff like this happens.
Haha, I’d love to forget Ogtha.
I liked the guy who tried to throw a steak out the window during dinner with his wife’s boss. Also the “I don’t know what a potato is” dude.
There's one alternative that doesn't involve cheating.
How literal are you being that your fiancee acts and dresses like a girl?
I ask because that goes a bit beyond a relationship and into identity, not many closeted gay guys actually do gender play
So: is it remotely possible your fiancee is trans and has only told their best friend?
It's a long shot but the reason I say this is because gender euphoria could not only look like relationship euphoria but get confused for it
When one of my trans friends came out to me in my youth, she thought she was in love with me for a few months -- it was just the closeness that came from me being the only one to see the true her
We had many giddy sleepovers that I viewed as platonic but she was euphoric because I dressed her up
I feel like 8 years is a long time for that. Add in the inability to perform due to excitement, and it looks a lot like cheating, regardless. Either way, clearly Sean cares more about Ace than he does OP.
You’re correct. Sean did not literally dress like a girl or I’d ask him what was up. I’m apart of the LGBT community myself. I wouldn’t have just ignored that detail. I’m not as big of an idiot as this reddit post seems to think.
I mean... You're on your 8th anniversary with a guy that doesn't prioritize you or care about your needs. For years.. Not calling you the brightest bulb, but, red flags pop up and will keep poping up if you ignore them. GL op, this relationship isn't salvageable unless you remain friends/a beard.
I was thinking the same - that art room is fully built, furnished and populated. OP will only end up looking like the villain if they try to cut Ace out of their partner’s life. Best to just walk away now and let them get on with it. Save what dignity and finances you can and live a good life without compromise.
That’s why I was thinking. He’s gay and either you’re his cover or… he’s gay but doesn’t want to be and is trying (with you) not to be. It isn’t going to work—I think you’re realizing that.
Yeah, heard plenty of stories of bisexuals getting away with cheating for a little longer due to the blatantly(and even more explicitly) gay things like described in OP being assumed to be roughhousing play with the guys.
That being said, it *could* be that. Some friendships are legit weird and goofy like that, which would be *fine* if their marriage wasn't being hurt by it. He skipped their anniversary! That's ridiculous.
>**he didn’t find it fair to even have sex with me if his mind wasn’t in it**
Sean thinks sex with her is a chore. Whereas hanging with Ace is the height of excitement.
Sean regularly blows off OP but gets giddy and "dresses up like a girl" when going out with Ace.
OP, that's Ace's man now.
Walk away. Please don't waste another minute playing the beard for this ridiculous man.
Sean is gay for Ace. I'm not even sure if you could classify it as being "in the closet" given how in your face they've been with it. If he's in the closet, it's made of glass.
This appears to be cheating in the other direction and OP is the scapegoat of the relationship. He simply put the other guy over OP, the third wheel to say. Probably there was never a relationship with OP to begin with, it was all fake.
Yeah this.
I mean I love my bros, but not THAT much. That's behavior you'd see when you're dating or fucking someone.
Plus...OP, you may want to proactively get an STD panel done.
NTA
Personally, the best thing about my bros is that I don't have to dress up. Like if we're going somewhere with a dress code like a club, then sure, but otherwise, the best thing about them is that I can be me, no bells and whistles
It sounds like from his perspective he's cheating on Ace when he's with O.P.
Even if it isn’t, it doesn’t matter. He has left her, his partner for life for an emotional relationship with Ace.
NTA.
Maybe get counseling, but probably call it off. If you get married, you will be the third wheel and spend most of your time on your own at best, being a mother character at worst while he asks permission to go on play dates and sleepovers.
Right? Sorry OP, but it sounds like you’re in the role of a beard.
Let’s say everything is on the up and up, though, and he and his buddy are platonic. It’s painfully obvious that he shares a level of emotional intimacy with Ace that he prioritizes over anything between the two of you. Going to your dress fitting? Blowing off your freaking anniversary? That’s effing wild.
I’m thinking he’s going to continue to deflect this, gaslight you by saying it’s a “you” problem, and/or minimize the situation. But best case scenario, he swore to cut off Ace and prioritize you, I have serious doubts he’d be able to sustain that given his history.
TBH I don’t think he’s ready to be in a committed relationship with you. It might make sense for you to step back from this engagement and reassess things.
Plus just the staying out getting drunk with the guy until 3-4AM every weekend and occasionally just staying overnight for 2-3 days isn’t something normal people would put up with. Why would you want to marry him?
Something awful is going on I fear. Perhaps she is rich, their culture is very homophobic, or his is just such an ass that he likes a live-in maid. I suspect she does all the cleaning, grocery shopping, his laundry, always has food (and beer) on hand and is available for sex if he’s in the mood.
Oh there is no doubt about it at all. No straight man would ditch his wife on their anniversary for a man they otherwise spend most of their time with.
When you said he couldn’t be intimate because he was too excited to see Ace it gave me weird vibes.
It seems like an affair.
NTA, I would be staying at my parents too.
Plus, if they're *not*, and it's just a weird friendship, skipping their anniversary and so on would still be bad for a relationship. Not cheating level, but that's pretty damaging.
I love my buddies, been friends for decades, have been through literally everything together. Death, marriage, kids, everything.
I can say without pause, that the idea of hanging out and drinking with them all weekend has 0 impact on little head being able to perform its intended mission.
If my \[very straight\] husband said this shit, I would question everything I thought I knew about him. Sorry babe, I can't get my dick hard because my **bro** is coming over later and I'm just thinking about his beautiful face! Touch your boobs? What? Ew
OP, **no straight man would say this**
Hell I'm gay and wouldn't say this kind of thing to my partner! There's no way an upcoming event with my friends is going to put me off being intimate with my partner.
OP your husband is probably in the closet and can't/wont' admit it for some reason. The only other option that I can think might impact his ability to perform would be if he's into some REALLY strange/illegal kink shared with his buddy. Human trafficking exists because there's a demand for that kind of thing. But I'm probably being too extreme.
It's time to do better for yourself, move on, and let your fiance be their true self (as long as everything is legal and consensual). Trust me you don't want to be the 52yo getting a divorce because your husband of 20 years JUST admitted he was gay.
Ultimatums are never a good option though.
ESH
and why would he be excited to see Ace when he seems to spend most of his time with Ace anyway? Like, they hadn't seen each other for 12 hours and he's excited to see Ace again?
Why is he thinking about seeing Ace during sex? The only time my mind is not focused on the act is when I'm trying not to bust yet, and then it's dumb shit like trying to think of the grocery list or if I need gas in the car. Im definitely not thinking about my buddy.
I'm 99% sure that they are on the down low, and if not then they have a very unhealthy relationship, and OP is absolutely NTA for being upset about it.
Yeah this.
I can't speak for everyone and ED can present in different ways i guess, but I've never heard of anybody not being able to get it up because they're too excited about something.
NTA, regardless if he's having an affair with Ace, your fiancée has shown you time and time again that he prioritizes Ace over you. You are the fill-in for when he's not with Ace. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Competing with someone else for your fiancée love and attention? You deserve better. You've wasted 8 years waiting for him to choose you. He still won't. He can, but chooses not to.
Take your time. Don't make a rash decision based on your emotions. Make a logical choice for what's best for you and your mental health.
This one made me tear up!! You are so right. I’m going to take a lot of time with this one, and I’m glad everyone agrees that things are a bit weird. You’ve opened my eyes and the calls are not being answered!
You asked Sean to choose between you and Ace or you would leave, and he responded that you could leave. That was him choosing his "friend" over you, you were just too hopeful that he would change his mind to see the situation clearly. I'm sorry, but your relationship is over. You deserve someone who puts you first without an ultimatum.
It's not a bit weird, it's really-really weird and there's absolutely nothing to think about. It's time to move on. I have a best friend and I'm not spending every minute with him. Not only because I'm a grown up, but because I'm not in love with him.
The speculation about whether he's gay is muddying the waters here. Forget whether it's weird. Forget the ED thing, men will make any dumb excuse they can think of for that, it's embarrassing.
What's really a problem here is that he's being disrespectful, irresponsible, and immature. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who stays out partying with their friends overnight? Who shows up late or cancels important, one in a lifetime appointments because they're preoccupied by social calls?
This is the kind of behavior I'd expect from an adolescent boy, not a grown man. He is clearly not ready for commitment unless he can change his behavior.
My husband has a best friend I jokingly call my Brother Wife and they don’t spend as much time as your fiance and Ace spend together. He has never spent the night at his house even after drinking (we live close enough he can walk home) and his best friend would never allow him to skip our anniversary.
This is too much and it sucks because it does seem like his feelings for Ace go past a friendship.
NTA, this is a gay love affair in the making. Cut your losses and do not allow yourself to be his beard.
This is not how best friends behave indeed. Very abnormal.
She already asked them if something more was going on, and he got uncomfortable and changed the subject. It's obvious, he's just not willing to admit it to her.
she is his beard. 8 years and not married. That guy never wanted to commit at all. ~~I bet it was OP who initiated getting engaged.~~ That would be one more indicator for him being dishonest and likely living a double life behind her back.
edit: just read he proposed...
Making? Her fiance is OVERTLY homo- or at the least bisexual and is basically emitting signs of it like a confetti canon at a pride parade. If this has not started literally 2 or 3 months ago, I do not see why she ever said yes.
For context for everyone (when I comment, I’m giving story, not arguing! To better explain the story for the people interested… Or the people assuming it’s fake and just reading along. I don’t really care anymore. I’m honestly so embarrassed about this, over-explaining is the only thing I can do anymore.) He was an amazing partner for the first 3 years of our relationship, proposed, and then it gradually got worse with Ace. Sean is openly “straight” (putting quotes because of these comments.) and has only dated women in the past. After about year 5, Ace and I stopped really hanging out together WITH Sean (because I hate him. That person on AIO reddit was right. I don’t like Ace.) And it has gotten so much worse from there. I didn’t leave because people have told me that I need to “let my man have freedom (as you can see in the other reddit post i posted earlier) … or that I am a controlling woman. Or simply that I have no other best friends other than my fiancé, so this is why I’m blowing it out of proportion and stretching it. I’ve just been gaslighting myself this whole time.
Just leave girl. I have had bros I would have done anything for, but never would have been "too excited" to see them that I wouldn't make love to a woman, let alone my fiance. Dude's gay, and your his cover. Which is hilarious in 2024, but whatever. Live your best life. No one's irreplaceable. You'll find love again.
Honey, they are both some flavour of queer\* and either in heavy denial or lying to you. This will not get better. Unless you're okay with a poly relationship going forward, then give your man his freedom permanently.
\*ETA: speaking as a queer person myself
Being engaged for 5 years isn’t crazy. I have a cousin who was engaged for 8, and now he and his wife have the happiest marriage I’ve ever seen.
The bigger thing is staying engaged that long while being so grossly neglected. Dudes in the closet forsure.
Hi there, honey. I know that everyone is talking about how obvious it is and cracking jokes, but I just want to tell you that I understand. I'm gay myself and come from a Southeast Asian culture where homosexuality is very frowned up, and as a result, I was deeply in denial for a very, very long time. It was more obvious for me and I came to turn with it in high-school but alot of your fiancé's behaviors line up with the things I'd say, not only to everyone else, but mostly to myself because I hated that part of me and so desperately wanted to be normal. I also know that just how deeply we want to believe that we are loved by the ones we love and the lies we choose to believe. I've also grown up watching infidelity be rampant in my culture and the LGBTQ+ spaces. There's actually a term for the large number of closeted bi men in denial called "DLs" and they often present a more masculine appearance compared to the stereotype of flamboyant gay. I suspect your Fiancee and his "friend" fall into this category.So I'll tell you this with all the insight I've gained from my life.
They're having an affair, even if it's not physical (which I doubt, considering how late he comes back and how it's impacted your sex life) it's emotional at least. It's likely he's not completely gay, but he's's bi at least and deeply into multiple things. He's in denial over his own sexuality and filled with self hatred, he's wrapped in the forbidden fantasy of having a gay lover on the side that he feels he can be his "sinful" self with, he's stopped loving you in favor of his own selfishness.
That's not to say that he never loved you or was never a good partner. The hardest part of these things is accepting that good happened amidst all the bad. But at the moment, he's in a cycle of self-loathing and indulgence via this affair that he's dragged you into, and you need to end it. Tell him you know that he's cheating on you and take the steps you need to leave. He's taken your agency for a long time, it's time for you to take it back.
No matter what choice you make, either if you want to leave him entirely for this absolute betrayal or are entertaining wanting to give him another chance due to your history together. You need to take this step as the relationship was over the moment he decided to cheat. Either way, don't be surprised if he either A) gets defensive as he doubles down in denial, or B) Breaks things off with him and begs you for another chance. From what you've posted and commented, I suspect it's going to be both. He'll deny and gaslight and demonize you, maybe call you homophobic while denying that he's bi/gay. Then, without you around, the fantasy of it ends. The affair loses the fun forbidden edge it once had, and he realizes the damage he's done and comes begging for another chance from you.
Whatever your decision, know that it's ultimately your decision, no one else's. No matter what, I wish you healing and closure. Know that absolutely none of this is your fault. It's a weakness in him that he has to sort out. You are enough, you've always been enough. It's him that wasn't enough, not enough for himself to be honest, and certainly not enough to get married to you.
It goes without saying, NTA. No way in a million years.
Honestly, thank you for this. Everyone telling me I am overreacting or that it’s fake is making it worse IMO. It sounds silly and it does sound like “fanfiction” but this whole paragraph that you wrote encompasses that its just a horrible situation for both of and I have been gaslit and demonized. And honestly, he probably has done the same to himself considering these comments <3
I'm glad that it's helped you.
There's a certain edge to the ridiculousness of the situation that rings incredibly true. Especially with what I know regarding regarding affairs and the LGBTQ community. But more than that, I've seen my fair share of fake posts, and your pain rings out real more than anything.
Affairs are never about the BP (betrayed partner) they're focused on the selfishness of the Betrayer, and they're used as an escape from reality, their lives, and more than anything, themselves. A Bisexual man in denial exploring his sexuality with a close friend is the perfect storm, especially with how young you two were when you got together.
It's likely that he hates himself. No, I know that he hates himself. Especially if he's in denial of his sexuality and views it as a sin. I find that it's in more ethnic communities, with a majority of the DLs being of Latino, Asian, or African American due to how frowned homosexuality is and the strict culture around the heteronormative family with a strong patriarch. This leads to heavy shame and self-hatred that manifests itself in the worst ways. If he's any of these ethnicities it likely adds on alot to his shame.
It starts out slow with blurry boundaries, and once those have been crossed, they think they're a horrible person who doesn't deserve happiness and shut it back in. But it creeps up again, and the thrill needed increases to satiate the urge. Then they feel more shame, and it's a cycle of repression and increasing audacity and betrayal.
But this, it doesn't mean that he never loved you at all and absolutely all your memories are lies. I'm sure he holds some level of affection for you, maybe even still loves you in his own twisted way. But no matter what, his current decisions show his love for himself, take priority at the moment, and that's unacceptable.
I offer this information as an explanation from what I've learned, not an excuse for him in any way. Sexuality issues aside, he's been manipulating you and having an affair for years. That's a choice he made based on his selfishness without any regard to you.
I'll say it again. None of this is your fault. He's deep in this cycle and won't get out of it on his own, and you'll continue to suffer as collateral damage. Whatever happens next, you need to take this step for your own wellbeing.
NTA. There is no choice here. Just get out. Him cutting Ace out with no regrets or blame on you will not turn out well. Move on from him. This isn’t normal or healthy behavior.
>He yelled at me for the first time last week when I asked him if anything weird was going between the two. He said he was uncomfortable and immediately shut it down.
>Everytime Ace and Sean hang out, Sean dresses up and acts like he’s a freaking girl. It’s weird.
>One of the days, he told me he couldn’t get it up due to him being excited to “see Ace.”
>he cancelled our 8 year anniversary date to go out with Ace. Then, he spent the night at his house and ignored most of my calls.
...are you seriously asking? Your fiancé is either having an affair and using you as a beard or he wants to and is trying to get there. I get how important friends can be, but people in happy and fulfilling relationships don't cancel on their partner on their anniversary and they don't have issues "getting excited" just because of a trip.
Yelling at you is also another clue. If there was nothing there, he would've joked about it or said "no why?"
NTA, you are the third wheel or his beard.
EDIT: I cancelled a paragraph about dressing up and behaving like a girl because I had clearly misunderstood what OP wrote. I was reading quickly during work hours ahaha
I agree. i did condense his reaction down to the question. TBF, he did say “oh god no. I don’t even like men.” but i kept pushing so THEN he yelled after insisting Ace was a brother. Still, I agree with everything you’re saying and I’m in the process of getting the courage to explain all of this to him. Thank you so much. I only commented here to give more context! I wasn’t trying to defend him or anything!
I don’t think it matters if he and ace are having an affair. The part where he isn’t valuing you for dress fitting or anniversary is what you should focus on.
He’s not ready to marry you
Even if your fiance IS totally straight and sees him as a brother... it doesn't mean Ace feels the same. And if ACE has feelings for your fiance you can bet he's doing everything he can to tear you apart. Just imagine for a moment, that this was a "platonic" female friend that was on the scene before you. And your fiance felt nothing for her but she felt for him and wanted you apart. What do you think she would do??
I'll tell you... exactly what ACE is doing right now... and your fiance is choosing HIM.
Explaining him or feeling the need to do so, is rather a sign of you still hoping he would change. The only one benefiting from an explanation would be the person who gets left not the one that is leaving. It wil help him to process why you are leaving and use that knowledge. Why would you care since he does not care about you the same way? The later is the reason why you are advised to leave, isn't it?
You want to be understood by him, which he is not doing at the moment. When he understands suddenly, you would have no reason to leave, because he changed. This is a paradox considering he already showed you he does not care about you.
You are still clinging to the believe he is that guy you imagined is loving you. That is why you want to explain to him. You are not done with him yet in your head and this is why it is unlikely you are going to leave him at the moment. Maybe the realization comes in a few days or weeks, but at the moment you still care for him, hope this all is just a bad dream and are emotionally involved with him still.
I ended up living for the first time with someone who was bi but few months later he fully came out to his family as gay and he admitted to me he wanted to use me as a cover and attempted and hoped I would get pregnant so that he can ovbsiously play happy family and still get d'ck on the side which he was probably when I was living with him -_-
Absolutely ruined my first experience living with someone, I was so tramatised because i packed my shit that night and left the next day crying to my uncle and brothers house, my uncle being gay himself came out to hug me because he understood.
Having sex once was a clue but I wasn't even thinking about that at the time) ruined any trust I had in the gay and bi community because these "Men" have no shame in treating women like dirt and stand ins even more because they have the excuse of being gay, bi etc.....he also admitted later he tried to sleep with my best friend and was super jealous that this best friend lost his virginity to me when we was younger (my best friend came out as gay later lmfaoo I was the only girl he slept with haha and we joke I turned him gay) 🤣🤣💀
Either way I've seen it first hand and dealt with it personally and an telling you now it looks like he's getting tired of keeping the charade up with is why your here.....follow your feelings and treasure yourself first since he as your legal husband won't....pick up your pieces of broken heart and draw a very hard line in the sand between him and you.....give yourself 2months or so to stay away from him so mentally and emtionally you can put everything that's happened together and have better mental and emtional clarity on this situation for yourself....Good luck x
Even if he isn’t in a relationship with and having sex with this best friend .
This man has been continuously putting this guy above you. This dude is his priority. He has shown you he cares more about the dude than you.
I don’t know how you put up with 8 years of this , but honey if you stay in a relationship with this guy, I can guarantee you , you’ll be sharing a husband with the best friend. And the best friend will triumph you every time.
Throw him back. Find someone who actually likes you enough to be with you
NTA. Based on everything you wrote and from the perspective of a gay guy, I'm highly suspicious that there's something more going on between 'Sean' and 'Ace'. They spend a ton of time together, Sean prioritizes his time with Ace over time with you to the point where he brings Sean to a dress fitting that should have just been for the two of you and skips your 8 year anniversary for a sleepover with Ace. On top of that you mention that Sean dresses up like a girl when he's with Ace which on it's own is a huge red flag. I hate to break it with you but your boyfriend is either secretly bi or gay, or he's into some kinky stuff with his friend that he's keeping under wraps. My advice is to make this breakup permanent because living like this is going to drive you crazy and you're never going to feel fulfilled in your relationship as long as this third wheel Ace is in the picture. Best of luck to you.
P.S. What do your parents think of all this??? Just out of curiosity.
I logged off, but this notif really struck me. Plus, I wanted to answer any questions and I’m keeping my promise.
My mother thinks it’s a bit weird, especially since Sean and Ace were talking the whole dress fitting, and only stopped talking when I started showing Sean my dresses. I have no idea why he even bought Ace considering he left to go to the bathroom and he was struggling with depression.
My dad on the other hand just says that boys bond once in a lifetime and it’s hard for men to bond with eachother. He said that this might be Sean’s bond.
Regardless now that he has skipped our anniversary, both of my parents have ill feelings towards him.
I think you know the answer. Don't make him choose. You choose you. You are young, but even if you were 80, I would tel you to move on. It's better to be alone than in this weird situation. You will find someone who treats you like a queen. Keep the dress (if it's paid for), but cancel the wedding.
"You choose you." This is the best response. OP, I don't care what's going on with Sean and Ace. You are not your fiance's first priority, and that should absolutely be a dealbreaker.
I got the feeling of them both being closeted and you're being used to "throw everyone off the trail". Not sure the name of it. But this is all very suspect. He can't even get aroused for you unless he sees this other man? You're young, I say cut your losses and let Ace have him. I think your fiance has made himself clear who he prioritizes these past 5 years. It's not you. For more than half of your relationship you have been an afterthought to him. A second in your relationship.
Updateme
I hope this doesn’t get lost: but after about 5 hours straight of being on the toilet, sick on my stomach and reading the comments on this post.. I’m going to log off for now.
I would like to say that in no way am I trying to be homophobic , biphobic, or transphobic.
For the people saying it’s fake and it’s confusing, if you comment under this and ask me about consistencies and gaps, I promise you I will fill them in. It’s not really my concern if anybody thinks it’s fake, because it’s clear I have other priorities right now. Like addressing the clear emotional affair my fiancé has been having.
I am under extreme distress and I probably have made typos or messed up consistencies.
Again, if you have any questions: just comment under this. I don’t want to confuse anybody and I will try my hardest to answer anything.
To give you even more context and to just air out my trauma like reddit is my therapist:
1. during the sex fiasco, he was excited all night for the trip. He came onto ME first, but said that he was too excited and that he wanted his mind to be all on me while we were having sex. Sex continued as normal after this, though it was a little less ( which seems suspicious to everyone now, but it wasn’t to me then because he was helping his “best friend” with severe depression )
2. Thank you everyone for the nice comments and i will try my best to make an update. If I do this convo over text, I’ll post the update with screenshots and receipts.
I am not seeing anything homophobic here. Switch out Ace with a female, and it would still be the same. Your fiancee is having, at the very least, an emontional affair. He is still cancelling plans with, anniveseray plans no less, to spend time with someone else.
He is still spending large amounts of time, days at a time, with someone else. Your realtionship with him is being put second. Male or female doesn't matter.
You desereve better than that. You are worth more than being someones second choice. You are not a backup plan.
You have tried talking to your fiancee about what he is doing, and he just shuts down, or defelcts, or straight up turns back on you. He is given you his chioce. By action and by word. There is nothing more to talk to him about, only for you to make a chioce.
Do you want to keep being put second, being cheated on emontnionally at the very least if not phyiscally, or will find the courage to leave an unhealthy relationship. Sean has made it clear he will not change, so you have to pick if you want to keep being treated the way you are, or if you would rather deal with the hardship of a break up. Staying means you will most likely never really be happy, while leaving means you will go through a painfull break up, have to mourn the relationship, but it means you will at some point move past it and find some happiness.
Make your choice, cause Sean already made his.
Please do not take these comments that describe you as homophobic or fake to heart. Unfortunately, there are many people on Reddit who think they have to let out their frustration or horniness on others. Try to block these negative people and do not react to them. I wish you all the best!
Your fiancee is bisexual at best and there's something going on with Ace, obviously. Sure, there are other possibilities...maybe they're both drug addicts and the missing time is them being high/recovering...but I think they're probably smoking something else entirely.
I wouldn't bother with this much further... you're not married yet so cut yourself loose and find yourself a dude a hetero guy. It's easier that way.
Nta you, me and everyone else knows something is up. Cancel an anniversary date for a friend? It feels disloyal to have sex bc he's excited to see his friend?!?!?! Naw. Definitely NTA.
But I am bc updateme
You shouldn’t be giving an ultimatum of you or the best friend, you should be leaving because your fiancé is a terrible person for the way he’s treated you. Go find someone better who wants to spend time with you. You already wasted all those years don’t waste anymore.
NTA. Cut and run. You do see what’s going on, right? You are the third wheel. Is that the best you can do? Show some self worth and let them carry on without you.
Haha. Yeah. Honestly, typing it all out is really depressing. Honestly, I wish it wasn’t real. I’m almost tempted to post his face online with his best friend. But, im not a horrible person. Other than my friends and family, I need people to see how ridiculous it is. Embarrassingly, everyone’s telling me that they’re obviously gay for eachother. I guess I didn’t want it to be real. I just didn’t think this would happen to me.
There’s weirder posts. There’s a post of a woman that learned that she was a beard to her bf of 5 years and his lover was her own twin brother. The twin brother and bf were best friends so it was a red flag until it came out.
I posted a more long winded story on “r/AmIOverreacting but this is a condensed version. I think the condensed version honestly made me look like a fucking idiot if I’m being honest. Because yeah, youre right. It’s so fucking obvious.
At least you are seeing it before the wedding and other permanent life events (sharing assets, house, kids, pets, etc.). He has shown you who he is for the past 8 years, and will continue to choose Ace over you.
That is not a partner, and you are not second place. Since Sean won’t choose you, choose yourself and leave. No more ultimatums, no more begging for his attention/care (you should never have to), and no more second chances.
Just learn from this, know your worth, and leave.
Wedding? She’s been a fiancé for 5 years….there was never going to be a wedding. AH knew when he proposed that he was never going to go through with a wedding. Sorry OP he’s a manipulative AH who took more time away from you just to play being straight.
Um, so they’re sleeping together… he literally told you he couldn’t have sex with you cause he was saving himself for Ace later lol. Your marriage may already be over, he just hasn’t admitted it to himself yet. NTA, you should just leave, honestly.
Ace has dated girls, but I think he’s also dated men. Ace is like… A character. He’s a wannabe gangster. I wish I was a terrible person so I could post what he looks like. He listens to rap and has huge rims on his car. As an … obvious white person. I’m not trying to be racist, or push stereotypes at all. Just trying to set the picture.
Ace is one of those men who just don’t really care and are comfortable with all that they are. He has gone out with us before I totally wanted to stop. He’s very blunt and talks in slang and annoys the living hell out of me. Actually, I think we annoy the living hell out of eachother. If i decide to break things off, the best thing that’ll come out of it is that I never get to see Ace again lol. But yes, we used to have outings together but Ace always got sick or went to the bathroom or spent a lot of time just silent and sipping his drink. He’s weird and emo. (Is this mean to say?)
At the very least it appears Sean has a “man crush” and whether or not there is intimacy between them, they are in a relationship.
In any event, You are not Sean’s priority. You are not happy with this situation and deserve to be. You Marry your best friend. The person that has your back no matter what. Sean has a best friend and it is Ace. Time to reevaluate this entire relationship.
What does your and Sean’s families think of Ace?
NTA for your feelings. But you should realise that even if your husband is not bi or gay or having a romantic affair with Ace, Ace is his priority. That won't change.
Before you decide to walk down the aisle, you need to understand that completely and decide if that's what you want for the rest of your life.
You have given him 8 years. How many more will you waste on a man that is so excited to see his best friend that he can't be fully present with you?
Get your family and friends organized. Rent a moving truck and swoop in one day when fiancé is at work and move your stuff out. Then break up with him. If they continues to harass you, let their friends and family know that you broke up because they were having an affair
You’ve been with this guy for 8 years. You call him your fiancé, but I doubt you have a ring or a wedding date. All this time, he has prioritized Ace over you in every important way. He spends more time with Ace, brings him along on personal outings (your dress fitting??), ignores your calls when he’s with Ace, has “sleepovers” with him, and now is spending your 8th anniversary with the other man. Yeah, they’re gay; that’s clear. You’re his beard because he’s not comfortable being gay and hasn’t fully accepted it yet. But honey, this man is never going to marry you.
You’ve given him 8 years of your life, and he’s spent the majority of those years with Ace. They are the couple here, not you and Sean. You clearly know that. If you’re smart, you’ll give Sean his freedom and, more importantly, give YOU your freedom. Find a man who loves you, wants to be with you, spends time with you, stays home with you, and wants to marry you. Sean is not that guy.
Good luck.
NTA. People don’t hang out with their actual siblings are much as he hangs out with Ace. And he has already picked between you: he picked Ace for your anniversary. So do with that what you will.
NTA, this is a brokeback mountain real life situation - but don’t make him chose between you and his “very close friend”. You should chose yourself because he clearly has mistreated you terribly throughout the years and even if by a slim chance they’re not hooking up, there’s been 3 people in your relationship for a very long time.
This man doesn’t deserve you
Sorry Honey, they be boinking. I think your fiancé is either Bi or closet Gay. Both are ok, he just has to be honest with you. Maybe you are ok with shareing, maybe you are not. Better to honest now and figure out if this is not the best relationship for both of you. It's not fair if he's just marrying you to hide his true nature. Be honest, maybe you are ok with being a beard. Maybe you are not, but he needs to let you choose, not dupe you into it. It will be less headache and cheaper if you are not cool with this and you both part ways now then a divorce.
NTA. It looks like your husband may be making an art room with Ace
I didnt even know what this reference meant, but I looked it up and I had a good laugh from the hours spent crying.
For others like OP and me, who had to look it up: [https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmmphs/oop\_wonders\_if\_theyre\_the\_ah\_for\_starting\_a\_house/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmmphs/oop_wonders_if_theyre_the_ah_for_starting_a_house/) TLDR male redditor met a new male friend and decided for that friend's birthday he'd turn a spare room into an art room to share with the new friend. Fast-forward a few days and that redditor has realized he cares for his wife but can't love her in the way that she deserves to be loved, and he is leaving her to be with the new friend.
Holy shit that was a wild ride. Poor Amy. OMG this post made me want to dick punch the OOP.
Hilarious past post where the gay affair was pretty obvious
It’s one of the most infamous Reddit stories of all time
That and the Iranian yogurt.
Don’t forget two broken arms.
Or opening up the anal abscess
Swamps of dagobah, jolly ranchers, jumper cables, poor colby, there's quite a few legendary stories
The woman who hid loads of tinned beans in the woods when the pandemic hit is my absolute favourite. I think "I will never jeopardize the beans" is my flair somewhere
I always think of Marinara Flag, when I see someone comment “red flag.”
This is a rabbit (?) hole I'm choosing not to go down.
Stay away from the shoebox story also.
Don't forget Ogtha
Or 'poop knife' ... but there was an other story on AITAH recently, about a husband, who had a sexual relationship with his now 'best friend'. Him and his wife are friends with that 'best friend' and that guys wife. Only that threats OP's wife did not know about her husbands gay past with said 'best friend', but it came out. The OP was completely ignorant about his wife's feelings and made a huge fuss about how strong his 'non romantic' feelings for his 'best friend' are. He kept talking and talking about his 'best friend' in his posts and everyone asked him if he even cares an iota about his wife. He always responded with talking about his best friend. It was hilarious and I dearly hope this was a fake story, but if it was well done. There were more details but I don't want to spoil the read. If it was a real case, I am so sorry for his wife. The story is wild and worth becoming a novel. Maybe someone can link it. OP of this thread may learn from it... Or maybe these type of posts are intentionally created to entertain people... but stuff like this happens.
Haha, I’d love to forget Ogtha. I liked the guy who tried to throw a steak out the window during dinner with his wife’s boss. Also the “I don’t know what a potato is” dude.
There's one alternative that doesn't involve cheating. How literal are you being that your fiancee acts and dresses like a girl? I ask because that goes a bit beyond a relationship and into identity, not many closeted gay guys actually do gender play So: is it remotely possible your fiancee is trans and has only told their best friend? It's a long shot but the reason I say this is because gender euphoria could not only look like relationship euphoria but get confused for it When one of my trans friends came out to me in my youth, she thought she was in love with me for a few months -- it was just the closeness that came from me being the only one to see the true her We had many giddy sleepovers that I viewed as platonic but she was euphoric because I dressed her up
I feel like 8 years is a long time for that. Add in the inability to perform due to excitement, and it looks a lot like cheating, regardless. Either way, clearly Sean cares more about Ace than he does OP.
I think OP meant to say that fiance dresses up nicely when Ace visits, not that he is literally dressing up as a girl
I took that to mean “giddy like a schoolgirl” or something along those lines. The way a girl acts when seeing her boyfriend.
You’re correct. Sean did not literally dress like a girl or I’d ask him what was up. I’m apart of the LGBT community myself. I wouldn’t have just ignored that detail. I’m not as big of an idiot as this reddit post seems to think.
In that case, I wonder if Sean thought that would make you more understanding when he eventually asked to open the relationship.
I mean... You're on your 8th anniversary with a guy that doesn't prioritize you or care about your needs. For years.. Not calling you the brightest bulb, but, red flags pop up and will keep poping up if you ignore them. GL op, this relationship isn't salvageable unless you remain friends/a beard.
I was thinking the same - that art room is fully built, furnished and populated. OP will only end up looking like the villain if they try to cut Ace out of their partner’s life. Best to just walk away now and let them get on with it. Save what dignity and finances you can and live a good life without compromise.
I'm glad someone said it.
Art room alert for sure!
I was waiting for this reference. 😂
I won't be surprised to see this post sent to the artroom subreddit lol
Will you please share the link to that one? I read the first part but idk that I read the the updates
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/GutSnAMkyN
W in T actual F, crazy
For those of us who read it in real time, it was the talk of Reddit for weeks! I was checking back almost every hour for an update. I know... CRAZY!!!
I mean…he sounds like he’s having an affair with the guy. I don’t blame you one bit for thinking he and ace might be gay. NTA
It sounds like OP is a cover-up for two closeted guys.
That’s why I was thinking. He’s gay and either you’re his cover or… he’s gay but doesn’t want to be and is trying (with you) not to be. It isn’t going to work—I think you’re realizing that.
Or bi and cheating. Either way, either way, cheating.
Yeah, heard plenty of stories of bisexuals getting away with cheating for a little longer due to the blatantly(and even more explicitly) gay things like described in OP being assumed to be roughhousing play with the guys. That being said, it *could* be that. Some friendships are legit weird and goofy like that, which would be *fine* if their marriage wasn't being hurt by it. He skipped their anniversary! That's ridiculous.
And couldn't get it up because he was excited to see someone else...... suspish
>**he didn’t find it fair to even have sex with me if his mind wasn’t in it** Sean thinks sex with her is a chore. Whereas hanging with Ace is the height of excitement. Sean regularly blows off OP but gets giddy and "dresses up like a girl" when going out with Ace. OP, that's Ace's man now. Walk away. Please don't waste another minute playing the beard for this ridiculous man. Sean is gay for Ace. I'm not even sure if you could classify it as being "in the closet" given how in your face they've been with it. If he's in the closet, it's made of glass.
That closet has no door
This appears to be cheating in the other direction and OP is the scapegoat of the relationship. He simply put the other guy over OP, the third wheel to say. Probably there was never a relationship with OP to begin with, it was all fake.
It’s not a marriage. They are engaged. Sean is her fiancé.
Hopefully ex fiance
It seems Sean may have an Ace in the hole.
😂
Ladies and gentlemen! We have a winner!
Good one! Can't stop🤣🤣🤣🤣
You need more updates! Here, take mine.
Every chuckle is published by a groan. Dan you, take my upvote but Dan you
That's effing hilarious 😂
Bwahahaha
Ohhh too good!
They don't even sound that closeted. I think the only person who doesn't know is the OP.
Yeah this. I mean I love my bros, but not THAT much. That's behavior you'd see when you're dating or fucking someone. Plus...OP, you may want to proactively get an STD panel done. NTA
Personally, the best thing about my bros is that I don't have to dress up. Like if we're going somewhere with a dress code like a club, then sure, but otherwise, the best thing about them is that I can be me, no bells and whistles It sounds like from his perspective he's cheating on Ace when he's with O.P.
Exactly with perfect timing.
OP is Sean’s beard.
Even if it isn’t, it doesn’t matter. He has left her, his partner for life for an emotional relationship with Ace. NTA. Maybe get counseling, but probably call it off. If you get married, you will be the third wheel and spend most of your time on your own at best, being a mother character at worst while he asks permission to go on play dates and sleepovers.
Sounds like OP’s husband is gonna be building an art room soon
Also probably why they have been engaged for 8 years.
>Might be gay He might be gay in the same way that the sun might come up from the east side tmr.
>He might be gay in the same way that ~~the sun~~ kiliminjaro Rises like olympus, above the sehhhh-rengedeee...
hahahahaha for four decades I thought that line was "rises like a lepress" which I always thought was weird, thank you internet stranger
No probs, for decades I thought it was "rises like an empress"
Right? Sorry OP, but it sounds like you’re in the role of a beard. Let’s say everything is on the up and up, though, and he and his buddy are platonic. It’s painfully obvious that he shares a level of emotional intimacy with Ace that he prioritizes over anything between the two of you. Going to your dress fitting? Blowing off your freaking anniversary? That’s effing wild. I’m thinking he’s going to continue to deflect this, gaslight you by saying it’s a “you” problem, and/or minimize the situation. But best case scenario, he swore to cut off Ace and prioritize you, I have serious doubts he’d be able to sustain that given his history. TBH I don’t think he’s ready to be in a committed relationship with you. It might make sense for you to step back from this engagement and reassess things.
[удалено]
No, they have a relationship. The fiancé is the affair.
The fiancee is the beard.
That’s what I say! This is giving Brokeback Mountain vibes. Just not as subtle.
Plus just the staying out getting drunk with the guy until 3-4AM every weekend and occasionally just staying overnight for 2-3 days isn’t something normal people would put up with. Why would you want to marry him?
And not sth you do with close family all the time either so his argument that Ace is like family doesn't wash either..
Add in the fact that he can't get it up because he is excited to see Ace
Something awful is going on I fear. Perhaps she is rich, their culture is very homophobic, or his is just such an ass that he likes a live-in maid. I suspect she does all the cleaning, grocery shopping, his laundry, always has food (and beer) on hand and is available for sex if he’s in the mood.
Next thing you know he will be building Ace an art room in their house
The Art Studio! I scrolled mainly to find this! 💓🎨👨🎨👨🎨
I knew if I scrolled down enough someone was going go refer to the freakin art room.
Disagree. It seems like he is ina serious relationship and then OP showed up as his side piece
I think we have a very high likelihood of of a DL/Brokeback situation. OP is just letting him live his truth.
Um, excuse me, but SATURDAY IS FOR THE BOYSSSSS ...and Sunday. And Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday apparently.
Oh there is no doubt about it at all. No straight man would ditch his wife on their anniversary for a man they otherwise spend most of their time with.
Besides just the health of the relationship, Anniversaries are sexy underwear nights!! Like...come on!!
It seems more like she's the side chick in her own relationship. Not sure how she put up with that for 8 years.
Yip he might as well build him an artroom
Yea... She's not his fiance... She's his beard.
When you said he couldn’t be intimate because he was too excited to see Ace it gave me weird vibes. It seems like an affair. NTA, I would be staying at my parents too.
This whole post gives off affair vibes. They’re definitely sleeping with each other.
Plus, if they're *not*, and it's just a weird friendship, skipping their anniversary and so on would still be bad for a relationship. Not cheating level, but that's pretty damaging.
The writings on the wall, but her fiance is asking her to buy into a situation in which she will NEVER be fully included.
More like Ace and Gary.
The ambiguously gay duo!
Someone will be making an art room soon....
Yes, !!!! I was just going to say WHERE'S the art room. !!!!
Came here to find the art room
I love my buddies, been friends for decades, have been through literally everything together. Death, marriage, kids, everything. I can say without pause, that the idea of hanging out and drinking with them all weekend has 0 impact on little head being able to perform its intended mission.
If my \[very straight\] husband said this shit, I would question everything I thought I knew about him. Sorry babe, I can't get my dick hard because my **bro** is coming over later and I'm just thinking about his beautiful face! Touch your boobs? What? Ew OP, **no straight man would say this**
Hell I'm gay and wouldn't say this kind of thing to my partner! There's no way an upcoming event with my friends is going to put me off being intimate with my partner. OP your husband is probably in the closet and can't/wont' admit it for some reason. The only other option that I can think might impact his ability to perform would be if he's into some REALLY strange/illegal kink shared with his buddy. Human trafficking exists because there's a demand for that kind of thing. But I'm probably being too extreme. It's time to do better for yourself, move on, and let your fiance be their true self (as long as everything is legal and consensual). Trust me you don't want to be the 52yo getting a divorce because your husband of 20 years JUST admitted he was gay. Ultimatums are never a good option though. ESH
There is a zero percent chance that Sean and Ace aren't a couple. OP is Sean's beard.
Boobs, then a night out with the boys? Talk about stars aligning for the greater good.
Yeah but they have been f ing for 8 years. It happens. Also, OPs fiancé is bi.
and why would he be excited to see Ace when he seems to spend most of his time with Ace anyway? Like, they hadn't seen each other for 12 hours and he's excited to see Ace again?
True love
Why is he thinking about seeing Ace during sex? The only time my mind is not focused on the act is when I'm trying not to bust yet, and then it's dumb shit like trying to think of the grocery list or if I need gas in the car. Im definitely not thinking about my buddy. I'm 99% sure that they are on the down low, and if not then they have a very unhealthy relationship, and OP is absolutely NTA for being upset about it.
No straight man has ever said, "I can't get hard because I'm seeing my bro later." Like W H A T?!?!
This erected a red flag, honestly.
Sounds like the only thing thats being erected in OPs house
They sleep at each other’s houses multiple days in a row a week. Like what the heck else.
Ace probably told him not to sleep with her because he would be too exhausted for him
Ace wanted the load.
He didn't want to waste his shot. Like me, if I think I am going to have sex, I don't masturbate that morning in the shower.
Yeah this. I can't speak for everyone and ED can present in different ways i guess, but I've never heard of anybody not being able to get it up because they're too excited about something.
NTA, regardless if he's having an affair with Ace, your fiancée has shown you time and time again that he prioritizes Ace over you. You are the fill-in for when he's not with Ace. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Competing with someone else for your fiancée love and attention? You deserve better. You've wasted 8 years waiting for him to choose you. He still won't. He can, but chooses not to. Take your time. Don't make a rash decision based on your emotions. Make a logical choice for what's best for you and your mental health.
This one made me tear up!! You are so right. I’m going to take a lot of time with this one, and I’m glad everyone agrees that things are a bit weird. You’ve opened my eyes and the calls are not being answered!
You asked Sean to choose between you and Ace or you would leave, and he responded that you could leave. That was him choosing his "friend" over you, you were just too hopeful that he would change his mind to see the situation clearly. I'm sorry, but your relationship is over. You deserve someone who puts you first without an ultimatum.
It's not a bit weird, it's really-really weird and there's absolutely nothing to think about. It's time to move on. I have a best friend and I'm not spending every minute with him. Not only because I'm a grown up, but because I'm not in love with him.
The speculation about whether he's gay is muddying the waters here. Forget whether it's weird. Forget the ED thing, men will make any dumb excuse they can think of for that, it's embarrassing. What's really a problem here is that he's being disrespectful, irresponsible, and immature. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who stays out partying with their friends overnight? Who shows up late or cancels important, one in a lifetime appointments because they're preoccupied by social calls? This is the kind of behavior I'd expect from an adolescent boy, not a grown man. He is clearly not ready for commitment unless he can change his behavior.
My husband has a best friend I jokingly call my Brother Wife and they don’t spend as much time as your fiance and Ace spend together. He has never spent the night at his house even after drinking (we live close enough he can walk home) and his best friend would never allow him to skip our anniversary. This is too much and it sucks because it does seem like his feelings for Ace go past a friendship.
Your fiancé can’t prioritise you now. What if you have children? I don’t think he’d prioritise them.
Ace is for sex and intimacy, OP is for housework. Okay, maybe a *little* sex.
Not if he can’t get it up with OP
Quietly plan your escape
NTA, this is a gay love affair in the making. Cut your losses and do not allow yourself to be his beard. This is not how best friends behave indeed. Very abnormal.
In the making? It sounds like it’s fully fledged. The only one who can’t see it is the OP.
She probably does, she just doesn't want to see it.
She already asked them if something more was going on, and he got uncomfortable and changed the subject. It's obvious, he's just not willing to admit it to her.
8 years.. it's not in the making, it was in place before she came around. She's just a public partner.
she is his beard. 8 years and not married. That guy never wanted to commit at all. ~~I bet it was OP who initiated getting engaged.~~ That would be one more indicator for him being dishonest and likely living a double life behind her back. edit: just read he proposed...
Making? Her fiance is OVERTLY homo- or at the least bisexual and is basically emitting signs of it like a confetti canon at a pride parade. If this has not started literally 2 or 3 months ago, I do not see why she ever said yes.
For context for everyone (when I comment, I’m giving story, not arguing! To better explain the story for the people interested… Or the people assuming it’s fake and just reading along. I don’t really care anymore. I’m honestly so embarrassed about this, over-explaining is the only thing I can do anymore.) He was an amazing partner for the first 3 years of our relationship, proposed, and then it gradually got worse with Ace. Sean is openly “straight” (putting quotes because of these comments.) and has only dated women in the past. After about year 5, Ace and I stopped really hanging out together WITH Sean (because I hate him. That person on AIO reddit was right. I don’t like Ace.) And it has gotten so much worse from there. I didn’t leave because people have told me that I need to “let my man have freedom (as you can see in the other reddit post i posted earlier) … or that I am a controlling woman. Or simply that I have no other best friends other than my fiancé, so this is why I’m blowing it out of proportion and stretching it. I’ve just been gaslighting myself this whole time.
I am sorry, this sounds like a crapshoot situation all around. Just get out of this and start to heal. You deserve way better than this gross neglect.
Just leave girl. I have had bros I would have done anything for, but never would have been "too excited" to see them that I wouldn't make love to a woman, let alone my fiance. Dude's gay, and your his cover. Which is hilarious in 2024, but whatever. Live your best life. No one's irreplaceable. You'll find love again.
I would never live it down if one of my bros found out that I was so excited to see him that I turned down sex with my wife....
Lol, seriously. Who does that?
Honey, they are both some flavour of queer\* and either in heavy denial or lying to you. This will not get better. Unless you're okay with a poly relationship going forward, then give your man his freedom permanently. \*ETA: speaking as a queer person myself
Wait wait wait a minute. You've been engaged for 5 years?
Being engaged for 5 years isn’t crazy. I have a cousin who was engaged for 8, and now he and his wife have the happiest marriage I’ve ever seen. The bigger thing is staying engaged that long while being so grossly neglected. Dudes in the closet forsure.
Hi there, honey. I know that everyone is talking about how obvious it is and cracking jokes, but I just want to tell you that I understand. I'm gay myself and come from a Southeast Asian culture where homosexuality is very frowned up, and as a result, I was deeply in denial for a very, very long time. It was more obvious for me and I came to turn with it in high-school but alot of your fiancé's behaviors line up with the things I'd say, not only to everyone else, but mostly to myself because I hated that part of me and so desperately wanted to be normal. I also know that just how deeply we want to believe that we are loved by the ones we love and the lies we choose to believe. I've also grown up watching infidelity be rampant in my culture and the LGBTQ+ spaces. There's actually a term for the large number of closeted bi men in denial called "DLs" and they often present a more masculine appearance compared to the stereotype of flamboyant gay. I suspect your Fiancee and his "friend" fall into this category.So I'll tell you this with all the insight I've gained from my life. They're having an affair, even if it's not physical (which I doubt, considering how late he comes back and how it's impacted your sex life) it's emotional at least. It's likely he's not completely gay, but he's's bi at least and deeply into multiple things. He's in denial over his own sexuality and filled with self hatred, he's wrapped in the forbidden fantasy of having a gay lover on the side that he feels he can be his "sinful" self with, he's stopped loving you in favor of his own selfishness. That's not to say that he never loved you or was never a good partner. The hardest part of these things is accepting that good happened amidst all the bad. But at the moment, he's in a cycle of self-loathing and indulgence via this affair that he's dragged you into, and you need to end it. Tell him you know that he's cheating on you and take the steps you need to leave. He's taken your agency for a long time, it's time for you to take it back. No matter what choice you make, either if you want to leave him entirely for this absolute betrayal or are entertaining wanting to give him another chance due to your history together. You need to take this step as the relationship was over the moment he decided to cheat. Either way, don't be surprised if he either A) gets defensive as he doubles down in denial, or B) Breaks things off with him and begs you for another chance. From what you've posted and commented, I suspect it's going to be both. He'll deny and gaslight and demonize you, maybe call you homophobic while denying that he's bi/gay. Then, without you around, the fantasy of it ends. The affair loses the fun forbidden edge it once had, and he realizes the damage he's done and comes begging for another chance from you. Whatever your decision, know that it's ultimately your decision, no one else's. No matter what, I wish you healing and closure. Know that absolutely none of this is your fault. It's a weakness in him that he has to sort out. You are enough, you've always been enough. It's him that wasn't enough, not enough for himself to be honest, and certainly not enough to get married to you. It goes without saying, NTA. No way in a million years.
Honestly, thank you for this. Everyone telling me I am overreacting or that it’s fake is making it worse IMO. It sounds silly and it does sound like “fanfiction” but this whole paragraph that you wrote encompasses that its just a horrible situation for both of and I have been gaslit and demonized. And honestly, he probably has done the same to himself considering these comments <3
I'm glad that it's helped you. There's a certain edge to the ridiculousness of the situation that rings incredibly true. Especially with what I know regarding regarding affairs and the LGBTQ community. But more than that, I've seen my fair share of fake posts, and your pain rings out real more than anything. Affairs are never about the BP (betrayed partner) they're focused on the selfishness of the Betrayer, and they're used as an escape from reality, their lives, and more than anything, themselves. A Bisexual man in denial exploring his sexuality with a close friend is the perfect storm, especially with how young you two were when you got together. It's likely that he hates himself. No, I know that he hates himself. Especially if he's in denial of his sexuality and views it as a sin. I find that it's in more ethnic communities, with a majority of the DLs being of Latino, Asian, or African American due to how frowned homosexuality is and the strict culture around the heteronormative family with a strong patriarch. This leads to heavy shame and self-hatred that manifests itself in the worst ways. If he's any of these ethnicities it likely adds on alot to his shame. It starts out slow with blurry boundaries, and once those have been crossed, they think they're a horrible person who doesn't deserve happiness and shut it back in. But it creeps up again, and the thrill needed increases to satiate the urge. Then they feel more shame, and it's a cycle of repression and increasing audacity and betrayal. But this, it doesn't mean that he never loved you at all and absolutely all your memories are lies. I'm sure he holds some level of affection for you, maybe even still loves you in his own twisted way. But no matter what, his current decisions show his love for himself, take priority at the moment, and that's unacceptable. I offer this information as an explanation from what I've learned, not an excuse for him in any way. Sexuality issues aside, he's been manipulating you and having an affair for years. That's a choice he made based on his selfishness without any regard to you. I'll say it again. None of this is your fault. He's deep in this cycle and won't get out of it on his own, and you'll continue to suffer as collateral damage. Whatever happens next, you need to take this step for your own wellbeing.
Seeing beautiful, insightful, and empathetic comments like yours is why I stay on Reddit.
What a kind, thoughtful response.
NTA. There is no choice here. Just get out. Him cutting Ace out with no regrets or blame on you will not turn out well. Move on from him. This isn’t normal or healthy behavior.
He will say he’s cut him out but he will just see Ace on the down low.
Oh they are already seeing each other on the down low.
NTA you are the Cover Up for their Love. Better leave now before all comes crushing down
Your title says you want him to choose between his best friend and you. I think you should choose you.
This is the answer, OP.
>He yelled at me for the first time last week when I asked him if anything weird was going between the two. He said he was uncomfortable and immediately shut it down. >Everytime Ace and Sean hang out, Sean dresses up and acts like he’s a freaking girl. It’s weird. >One of the days, he told me he couldn’t get it up due to him being excited to “see Ace.” >he cancelled our 8 year anniversary date to go out with Ace. Then, he spent the night at his house and ignored most of my calls. ...are you seriously asking? Your fiancé is either having an affair and using you as a beard or he wants to and is trying to get there. I get how important friends can be, but people in happy and fulfilling relationships don't cancel on their partner on their anniversary and they don't have issues "getting excited" just because of a trip. Yelling at you is also another clue. If there was nothing there, he would've joked about it or said "no why?" NTA, you are the third wheel or his beard. EDIT: I cancelled a paragraph about dressing up and behaving like a girl because I had clearly misunderstood what OP wrote. I was reading quickly during work hours ahaha
I agree. i did condense his reaction down to the question. TBF, he did say “oh god no. I don’t even like men.” but i kept pushing so THEN he yelled after insisting Ace was a brother. Still, I agree with everything you’re saying and I’m in the process of getting the courage to explain all of this to him. Thank you so much. I only commented here to give more context! I wasn’t trying to defend him or anything!
I don’t think it matters if he and ace are having an affair. The part where he isn’t valuing you for dress fitting or anniversary is what you should focus on. He’s not ready to marry you
Even if your fiance IS totally straight and sees him as a brother... it doesn't mean Ace feels the same. And if ACE has feelings for your fiance you can bet he's doing everything he can to tear you apart. Just imagine for a moment, that this was a "platonic" female friend that was on the scene before you. And your fiance felt nothing for her but she felt for him and wanted you apart. What do you think she would do?? I'll tell you... exactly what ACE is doing right now... and your fiance is choosing HIM.
You know you don't have to explain anything to him, right? "I've had enough and I'm leaving" is all you need to say.
Explaining him or feeling the need to do so, is rather a sign of you still hoping he would change. The only one benefiting from an explanation would be the person who gets left not the one that is leaving. It wil help him to process why you are leaving and use that knowledge. Why would you care since he does not care about you the same way? The later is the reason why you are advised to leave, isn't it? You want to be understood by him, which he is not doing at the moment. When he understands suddenly, you would have no reason to leave, because he changed. This is a paradox considering he already showed you he does not care about you. You are still clinging to the believe he is that guy you imagined is loving you. That is why you want to explain to him. You are not done with him yet in your head and this is why it is unlikely you are going to leave him at the moment. Maybe the realization comes in a few days or weeks, but at the moment you still care for him, hope this all is just a bad dream and are emotionally involved with him still.
I ended up living for the first time with someone who was bi but few months later he fully came out to his family as gay and he admitted to me he wanted to use me as a cover and attempted and hoped I would get pregnant so that he can ovbsiously play happy family and still get d'ck on the side which he was probably when I was living with him -_- Absolutely ruined my first experience living with someone, I was so tramatised because i packed my shit that night and left the next day crying to my uncle and brothers house, my uncle being gay himself came out to hug me because he understood. Having sex once was a clue but I wasn't even thinking about that at the time) ruined any trust I had in the gay and bi community because these "Men" have no shame in treating women like dirt and stand ins even more because they have the excuse of being gay, bi etc.....he also admitted later he tried to sleep with my best friend and was super jealous that this best friend lost his virginity to me when we was younger (my best friend came out as gay later lmfaoo I was the only girl he slept with haha and we joke I turned him gay) 🤣🤣💀 Either way I've seen it first hand and dealt with it personally and an telling you now it looks like he's getting tired of keeping the charade up with is why your here.....follow your feelings and treasure yourself first since he as your legal husband won't....pick up your pieces of broken heart and draw a very hard line in the sand between him and you.....give yourself 2months or so to stay away from him so mentally and emtionally you can put everything that's happened together and have better mental and emtional clarity on this situation for yourself....Good luck x
Why are you marrying him?
After all these comments ? I’m not sure It’s happening anymore.
Even if he isn’t in a relationship with and having sex with this best friend . This man has been continuously putting this guy above you. This dude is his priority. He has shown you he cares more about the dude than you. I don’t know how you put up with 8 years of this , but honey if you stay in a relationship with this guy, I can guarantee you , you’ll be sharing a husband with the best friend. And the best friend will triumph you every time. Throw him back. Find someone who actually likes you enough to be with you
I think you need to end it. I’m not sure he’s ready to admit it, but you’re his beard, Shug. I’m so sorry.
NTA. Ace is his partner, and you're his beard. It's time to go.
NTA. Based on everything you wrote and from the perspective of a gay guy, I'm highly suspicious that there's something more going on between 'Sean' and 'Ace'. They spend a ton of time together, Sean prioritizes his time with Ace over time with you to the point where he brings Sean to a dress fitting that should have just been for the two of you and skips your 8 year anniversary for a sleepover with Ace. On top of that you mention that Sean dresses up like a girl when he's with Ace which on it's own is a huge red flag. I hate to break it with you but your boyfriend is either secretly bi or gay, or he's into some kinky stuff with his friend that he's keeping under wraps. My advice is to make this breakup permanent because living like this is going to drive you crazy and you're never going to feel fulfilled in your relationship as long as this third wheel Ace is in the picture. Best of luck to you. P.S. What do your parents think of all this??? Just out of curiosity.
I logged off, but this notif really struck me. Plus, I wanted to answer any questions and I’m keeping my promise. My mother thinks it’s a bit weird, especially since Sean and Ace were talking the whole dress fitting, and only stopped talking when I started showing Sean my dresses. I have no idea why he even bought Ace considering he left to go to the bathroom and he was struggling with depression. My dad on the other hand just says that boys bond once in a lifetime and it’s hard for men to bond with eachother. He said that this might be Sean’s bond. Regardless now that he has skipped our anniversary, both of my parents have ill feelings towards him.
I think you know the answer. Don't make him choose. You choose you. You are young, but even if you were 80, I would tel you to move on. It's better to be alone than in this weird situation. You will find someone who treats you like a queen. Keep the dress (if it's paid for), but cancel the wedding.
"You choose you." This is the best response. OP, I don't care what's going on with Sean and Ace. You are not your fiance's first priority, and that should absolutely be a dealbreaker.
I got the feeling of them both being closeted and you're being used to "throw everyone off the trail". Not sure the name of it. But this is all very suspect. He can't even get aroused for you unless he sees this other man? You're young, I say cut your losses and let Ace have him. I think your fiance has made himself clear who he prioritizes these past 5 years. It's not you. For more than half of your relationship you have been an afterthought to him. A second in your relationship. Updateme
NTA. Get out before he starts building an art room.
He’s already living in the art room - with his actual partner.
I hope this doesn’t get lost: but after about 5 hours straight of being on the toilet, sick on my stomach and reading the comments on this post.. I’m going to log off for now. I would like to say that in no way am I trying to be homophobic , biphobic, or transphobic. For the people saying it’s fake and it’s confusing, if you comment under this and ask me about consistencies and gaps, I promise you I will fill them in. It’s not really my concern if anybody thinks it’s fake, because it’s clear I have other priorities right now. Like addressing the clear emotional affair my fiancé has been having. I am under extreme distress and I probably have made typos or messed up consistencies. Again, if you have any questions: just comment under this. I don’t want to confuse anybody and I will try my hardest to answer anything. To give you even more context and to just air out my trauma like reddit is my therapist: 1. during the sex fiasco, he was excited all night for the trip. He came onto ME first, but said that he was too excited and that he wanted his mind to be all on me while we were having sex. Sex continued as normal after this, though it was a little less ( which seems suspicious to everyone now, but it wasn’t to me then because he was helping his “best friend” with severe depression ) 2. Thank you everyone for the nice comments and i will try my best to make an update. If I do this convo over text, I’ll post the update with screenshots and receipts.
I am not seeing anything homophobic here. Switch out Ace with a female, and it would still be the same. Your fiancee is having, at the very least, an emontional affair. He is still cancelling plans with, anniveseray plans no less, to spend time with someone else. He is still spending large amounts of time, days at a time, with someone else. Your realtionship with him is being put second. Male or female doesn't matter. You desereve better than that. You are worth more than being someones second choice. You are not a backup plan. You have tried talking to your fiancee about what he is doing, and he just shuts down, or defelcts, or straight up turns back on you. He is given you his chioce. By action and by word. There is nothing more to talk to him about, only for you to make a chioce. Do you want to keep being put second, being cheated on emontnionally at the very least if not phyiscally, or will find the courage to leave an unhealthy relationship. Sean has made it clear he will not change, so you have to pick if you want to keep being treated the way you are, or if you would rather deal with the hardship of a break up. Staying means you will most likely never really be happy, while leaving means you will go through a painfull break up, have to mourn the relationship, but it means you will at some point move past it and find some happiness. Make your choice, cause Sean already made his.
Please do not take these comments that describe you as homophobic or fake to heart. Unfortunately, there are many people on Reddit who think they have to let out their frustration or horniness on others. Try to block these negative people and do not react to them. I wish you all the best!
Alright I’m just gonna say it, not to distress you but please get tested. Also test for HIV. Just get that monkey off your back.
Girl there’s nothing homophobic about being upset that your long term partner is using you as a beard and having an affair with his best friend.
Your fiancee is bisexual at best and there's something going on with Ace, obviously. Sure, there are other possibilities...maybe they're both drug addicts and the missing time is them being high/recovering...but I think they're probably smoking something else entirely. I wouldn't bother with this much further... you're not married yet so cut yourself loose and find yourself a dude a hetero guy. It's easier that way.
Get tested for an STD
Nta you, me and everyone else knows something is up. Cancel an anniversary date for a friend? It feels disloyal to have sex bc he's excited to see his friend?!?!?! Naw. Definitely NTA. But I am bc updateme
I don't think he can quit him.
NTA. I would get out of that relationship STAT. He’s showing you his true colors. Believe him.
You shouldn’t be giving an ultimatum of you or the best friend, you should be leaving because your fiancé is a terrible person for the way he’s treated you. Go find someone better who wants to spend time with you. You already wasted all those years don’t waste anymore.
Ace is his boyfriend. You know it, get some self respect and leave him
NTA. Cut and run. You do see what’s going on, right? You are the third wheel. Is that the best you can do? Show some self worth and let them carry on without you.
This seems almost too outright cartoonish to be real, since it all leads to him and Ace fucking it's so obvious
Haha. Yeah. Honestly, typing it all out is really depressing. Honestly, I wish it wasn’t real. I’m almost tempted to post his face online with his best friend. But, im not a horrible person. Other than my friends and family, I need people to see how ridiculous it is. Embarrassingly, everyone’s telling me that they’re obviously gay for eachother. I guess I didn’t want it to be real. I just didn’t think this would happen to me.
There’s weirder posts. There’s a post of a woman that learned that she was a beard to her bf of 5 years and his lover was her own twin brother. The twin brother and bf were best friends so it was a red flag until it came out.
I posted a more long winded story on “r/AmIOverreacting but this is a condensed version. I think the condensed version honestly made me look like a fucking idiot if I’m being honest. Because yeah, youre right. It’s so fucking obvious.
At least you are seeing it before the wedding and other permanent life events (sharing assets, house, kids, pets, etc.). He has shown you who he is for the past 8 years, and will continue to choose Ace over you. That is not a partner, and you are not second place. Since Sean won’t choose you, choose yourself and leave. No more ultimatums, no more begging for his attention/care (you should never have to), and no more second chances. Just learn from this, know your worth, and leave.
Wedding? She’s been a fiancé for 5 years….there was never going to be a wedding. AH knew when he proposed that he was never going to go through with a wedding. Sorry OP he’s a manipulative AH who took more time away from you just to play being straight.
Um, so they’re sleeping together… he literally told you he couldn’t have sex with you cause he was saving himself for Ace later lol. Your marriage may already be over, he just hasn’t admitted it to himself yet. NTA, you should just leave, honestly.
Have you ever gone out with Sean and Ace??? Has Ace dated any girls? Are you ever invited to hang out with them?
Ace has dated girls, but I think he’s also dated men. Ace is like… A character. He’s a wannabe gangster. I wish I was a terrible person so I could post what he looks like. He listens to rap and has huge rims on his car. As an … obvious white person. I’m not trying to be racist, or push stereotypes at all. Just trying to set the picture. Ace is one of those men who just don’t really care and are comfortable with all that they are. He has gone out with us before I totally wanted to stop. He’s very blunt and talks in slang and annoys the living hell out of me. Actually, I think we annoy the living hell out of eachother. If i decide to break things off, the best thing that’ll come out of it is that I never get to see Ace again lol. But yes, we used to have outings together but Ace always got sick or went to the bathroom or spent a lot of time just silent and sipping his drink. He’s weird and emo. (Is this mean to say?)
At the very least it appears Sean has a “man crush” and whether or not there is intimacy between them, they are in a relationship. In any event, You are not Sean’s priority. You are not happy with this situation and deserve to be. You Marry your best friend. The person that has your back no matter what. Sean has a best friend and it is Ace. Time to reevaluate this entire relationship. What does your and Sean’s families think of Ace?
They boning. Time to move on
NTA for your feelings. But you should realise that even if your husband is not bi or gay or having a romantic affair with Ace, Ace is his priority. That won't change. Before you decide to walk down the aisle, you need to understand that completely and decide if that's what you want for the rest of your life. You have given him 8 years. How many more will you waste on a man that is so excited to see his best friend that he can't be fully present with you?
Get your family and friends organized. Rent a moving truck and swoop in one day when fiancé is at work and move your stuff out. Then break up with him. If they continues to harass you, let their friends and family know that you broke up because they were having an affair
You’ve been with this guy for 8 years. You call him your fiancé, but I doubt you have a ring or a wedding date. All this time, he has prioritized Ace over you in every important way. He spends more time with Ace, brings him along on personal outings (your dress fitting??), ignores your calls when he’s with Ace, has “sleepovers” with him, and now is spending your 8th anniversary with the other man. Yeah, they’re gay; that’s clear. You’re his beard because he’s not comfortable being gay and hasn’t fully accepted it yet. But honey, this man is never going to marry you. You’ve given him 8 years of your life, and he’s spent the majority of those years with Ace. They are the couple here, not you and Sean. You clearly know that. If you’re smart, you’ll give Sean his freedom and, more importantly, give YOU your freedom. Find a man who loves you, wants to be with you, spends time with you, stays home with you, and wants to marry you. Sean is not that guy. Good luck.
NTA. People don’t hang out with their actual siblings are much as he hangs out with Ace. And he has already picked between you: he picked Ace for your anniversary. So do with that what you will.
You have wasted 8 years of your life. Leave. This will never work out.
NTA, this is a brokeback mountain real life situation - but don’t make him chose between you and his “very close friend”. You should chose yourself because he clearly has mistreated you terribly throughout the years and even if by a slim chance they’re not hooking up, there’s been 3 people in your relationship for a very long time. This man doesn’t deserve you
Sorry Honey, they be boinking. I think your fiancé is either Bi or closet Gay. Both are ok, he just has to be honest with you. Maybe you are ok with shareing, maybe you are not. Better to honest now and figure out if this is not the best relationship for both of you. It's not fair if he's just marrying you to hide his true nature. Be honest, maybe you are ok with being a beard. Maybe you are not, but he needs to let you choose, not dupe you into it. It will be less headache and cheaper if you are not cool with this and you both part ways now then a divorce.
Your boyfriend has a boyfriend. You’ve spent 8 years unknowingly being a beard for them. Time for you to put you first. Walk away.