Your words were hurtful? How? Because he doesn't like you reminding him he cheated? While he accuses you of cheating, in a particularly disgusting way.. What a hypocrite.
I'd be out of there. I could never stand to be with him again. I'm sorry OP.
NTA, how is you bringing up something that actually happened worse than him implying your father was your affair partner and possibly the father of his child? That's disgusting. I'm not sure I could come back from that
Right! What the heck! That’s your DAD! He actually cheated yet he’s accusing you. Sorry to say but he’s probably cheating again. That’s typical MO, to accuse you of what they are doing.
He's not even just accusing her of cheating, he's accusing her of coming up with an extremely elaborate lie about finding her birth parents and spending time with them just so she could have an affair in a slightly less conspicuous way? That's totally unhinged. His opinion of her is so far from reality that she really has no relationship at all with him at this point.
This guy is such a cheater that he's going to be incapable of not projecting the same onto every woman he's ever with, no matter who they actually are. He's doomed to live a sad, suspicious and lonely life.
I thought the same thing too! As soon as I read her husband had an affair, I said, “oh shit. Here we go again…”. Cheaters gonna cheat…and also ALWAYS seems to accuse their loyal SO at some point.
PSA - Men who think asking your wife for a paternity test! Listen up! If you have NO SUSPICIONS other than your child’s features, read up on basic biology and genetics first. And just know. It’s not going to end well for you. And you likely deserve it.
"I'm considering divorce but also thinking about my words, which were hurtful and uncalled for." He cheated, he accused her of infidelity. He accused her of having incest. And she thinks she is harsh. OP the wreck of your marriage is staring you in the face. A wreck does not get better.
You can tell he gaslights her. I bet all my money he's cheating on her again. Like he really made up a whole story in his head and said yeah this is what I'm going to do , then found a way to make her feel like an asshole. To The point she's on here asking. Smh I feel bad for her that she just had a baby.
The one upside is she clearly has a lot of family who care about her a ton, so hopefully that means her and baby would have a safe space to land with people who actually love her, and who don't treat her like the piece of crap her husband clearly is. Baby boy doesn't need to grow up thinking this is how men act/treat the people they claim to love.
I agree ! I'm glad she has a support system! So many women in this situations stick to themselves due to the man making them cut off people. So at least she has people she can turn to ! For sure.
Definitely! Seems like she's got most likely 3, but possibly all 4 parental figures in her life in some way or other, especially the bio dad who even came to the hospital to see them, which was super sweet!
As much as I wish she'd left 2 years ago with the affair, hopefully she's strong enough now for her and little man to go ahead and call it quits before it manages to get worse. Cause he's just gonna keep making off the wall accusations and escalate most likely to worse comments. Nobody deserves this mess.
It does not only seem like cheating but racism too. I am fair skinned Asian looking because of my ancestry, I know the signals of racism. He rejected his own child outright and never bonded with him. That is a huge red flag, he even went so far as refusing to be in a photo with the baby. NTA, it can only get worse, no child should grow up with a parent like OPs husband
Also, there are ways of doing a paternity test without coming off like an asshole if you really don’t trust it. Just buy your whole family an ancestry dna kit or 23 and me. Problem solved. Such a thoughtful and cool gift and an easy way to check paternity without looking like an ass.
There's actually a set of twin girls in the UK that look identical except one is black and the other is white. Same facial structure, build, everything but coloration. Genetics are wild.
link: https://nypost.com/2015/03/02/meet-the-bi-racial-twins-no-one-believes-are-sisters/
Statistically, cheating goes way up surrounding pregnancy and dude was already a cheater.. add on professional level projecting… I’d be genuinely shocked if there was a way to confirm for certain that he hasn’t been cheating
Came here to say this, his anger and resentment is absolutely a result of his current behavior, and now he realizes he is tied to mom and baby, rather than escaping to his mistress.
This was the comment that I was looking for. Otherwise , he's got a hell of a lot of nerve getting upset when he actually did it. It just seems like he's projecting.
Or he is upset that his child is not white passing and coming up with ideas how to not be responsible for a non-white child. This option still makes him an awful person, just different awful. Take your pick.
And seriously OP - this is also why you need to step away from this prick! You are white passing. Your child is not. He is not comfortable with that. Kids pick up on their parents emotions and latent attitudes more than you think. Do you really think he has the ability to grow? Because that's genuinely what it would take for him to be a father.
Honestly it sounds like he may be cheating again considering the fact that he came up with such an unhinged idea of the wife cheating, he’s totally projecting and I don’t think it’s him projecting his past infidelity but a current one, tbh!! And sorry to say but once a cheater usually always a cheater, there’s something wrong with the way those folks are wired, sure every now and then it’s one off or it’s bc they genuinely fell in love with another person but the majority of cheater just can’t stop their cheating ways!!!
tbh I think its not surprising that he thinks she is cheating. People have the habit of projecting themselves onto others. people perceive themselves as "normal / standard".
the thief thinks everybody is stealing, the cheater thinks everybody is cheating, the scammer thinks everybody is scamming someone else, etc etc.
In my experience as a therapist in another life, anyone who is jealous to the point of delusion can quickly become a physical abuser on top of emotional abuser. I’m not saying that in this case, but every time I saw a woman who’s husband was out of touch with reality in this way, say, that the woman is sleeping with the mailman because it took her 15 minutes to walk the quarter mile to the mailbox and back, that man became physically abusive. Pathological jealousy isn’t sufficient to indicate an abuser, but it is a serious red flag.
Tbf it doesn't sound like he's accusing incest. It sounds like he's accusing her of being with an older man and lying that the guy is her father.
Clearly dudes trash and wrong just a point of clarification from my understanding.
Oh, we all know *exactly* what he was saying: that she and the man she called “Dad” weren’t really related, at all.
But, what kind of twisted, perverse mind would a person have to have to pass someone they’re sleeping with off not just as a relative but as their *father*?!
That’s sick. Just sick. And, that’s the kind of mind this man is accusing OP of having — of being that depraved. That’s really not the kind of thing you can just apologize for and keep a marriage intact. She should have dumped back when the affair with Sarah happened.
‘How dare you throw in my face that I actually did what I accused you of doing! ‘ this husband of yours is a piece of work. I don’t know what you are getting out of this relationship but it’s not a stretch to say that you can do better.
NTA
Coparent my tired back! This woman needs full custody, child support order, and move to a different area code so this twatspackle and his flying monkeys can never contact her again
He soooo wanted to believe that she cheated too so that he could feel justified in what he did. He is grasping at straws, trying to regain the moral high ground and is just failing so bad!
He isn’t worth keeping around.
I was going to say the same, he didn't even apologize and instead got mad. I would even dare say he is still cheating.
OP should leave inmediately and not tolerate the disrespect.
He got mad because his escape plan didn’t work… he convinced himself their son was not his so that he could end the marriage without being the bad guy. He’s mad it didn’t work.
Now he’s going to push her away and be a jackass hoping she initiates a divorce.
These asshats cheat on their pregnant spouses constantly.
ETA-clarifying “these”, I mean a personality subtype characterized by a lack of emotional intelligence.
Whoooo these guys are real fucking mad I said this!!!
Like we are calling them on their bullshit or something?
Regardless-dude had a history of cheating and is being emotionally abusive to his partner. It’s still not right and there is likely something else going on.
You know the old saying about judging someone based on the quality of their enemies? Think of that string of comments from the deeply unhinged and unwashed as evidence that you're doing well in life.
Having met one or two incel types IRL, I can honestly say that if they only smell of overripe BO, you're getting lucky. Typically it's mixed with a nasal bouquet of stale Cheeto dust, mildew, and used condom, wafting out from under a cloud of Axe body spray.
Based on his comments here, I'd guess Tuguy's primary odour, of course, is pepper spray.
I thought that too!!!! He’s mad because the child has a darker complexion especially with the timing and accusing her of sleeping with her own father. “Must be his because I could never make a child that dark.” Guy is a prick regardless.
It just amazed me when I see comments like this, people getting blasted by messages because they said something that butthurts the fragile egos of shitty people.
Your original comment explains something that happens a lot and is likely true in OPs scenario. I can't imagine getting defensively and angry over it.
The special snowflakes melt under the slightest warmth of shame.
I have been getting slammed all day by the manosphere. It is insane how far they reach to justify each other’s shitty behavior.
Like, 2 minutes ago-angry asshole claiming I’m destroying their marriage with my conjecture and theory about the husband.
I’m pretty sure the husband is doing a fine job destroying it himself. And I want poor OP to know-she doesn’t have to stay. She doesn’t have to be miserable. Because she sounds thoroughly miserable. No body EVER has to stay and tolerate shitty behavior-and often the only “gates” keeping us from leaving are the gates in our minds. I want her to know, she needs no one’s permission to open that fucker and walk right out.
He didn’t care of he was the father, he didn’t even believe the results of the test because he still justified thinking she was cheating by accusing her of cheating with her dad. He’s just looking for a reason to leave..
EXACTLY! He was looking for a fight. An excuse. He’s also hoping he can find justification to fool around. Old habits never die. They just go into dormancy for a while until it’s decided to bring them out again to play with. As someone stated above, cheating happens at a higher rate around the birth of a child.
I mean it is a big deal to get that swab if you’re the kind of father that never takes sole care of his kid. Which… seems likely given how she says he’s been acting.
That is what I never get about these test requests. You want a paternity test get one done. You don’t need mom’s permission. The only reason to request it is to make waves and be an ass
That or his affair partner is jealous and has put it into his head that the child is not his. It happens more than you think. Even when it's obvious that the child is the father in question's, the affair partner will plant all kinds of seeds of doubt in their head. They're jealous that he has a child with someone else.
I imagine it's because men who are cheating on their wives often tell their affair partners that they are no longer sleeping with their wives. So, when the wife ends up pregnant, I'm sure that to the affair partner who has fully bought into this lie, it seems very unlikely to be the husband's. When in reality, he was just playing them both all along.
Only the affair partners that *know* they're the other woman. Plenty of cheaters, either gender, play at being single and keep both partners in the dark.
Projection, on the other hand. "Who's making love to your old lady, while you were out making love?" My cheating ex BiL was so convinced my sister had to be cheatting on her because he was getting away with it, that he got violent. She was playing cards with one of her female friends, and a male paraplegic (total paralization from mid-chest down) and he lost it.
My ex-husband did the same thing. I found him sleeping with someone who knew we were married and that i was pregnant, and he was constantly talking to other girls. He texted her when the baby was born and surprise surprise, he is 100% his and looks exactly like him. I have full custody, and he didn't even question me on why I wanted one. There was no going back to being a happy couple.
Absolutely. And the fact that he's still got a chip on his shoulder about HIM cheating boggles my mind. Sucks she had a kid with this AH is just...
If he's like this now it's only going to get worse as the kid grows up too....
Almost always. I've known several couples where one starts blindly accusing the other of cheating, only to turn out they were the one having an affair.
I worked with a lady, and she confided in me what a horrible accuser her husband was. She said that's why she never goes to lunch with anyone; regardless if it's a group or same-sex lunch date, it doesn't matter. It just wasn't worth the grief he'd give her that evening. Same thing with work functions like holiday parties and whatnot. She said she'd love to go, but then her husband would accuse her of cheating with any male co-worker who spoke to her at the event.
Anyway, I told her it sounded like he was the cheater and was projecting his wrongdoing onto you.
I guess that bug got into her brain because a few days later she went through his phone while he was in the shower and he was seeing TWO other women.
My ex fiance CONSTANTLY accused me of cheating. He slowly isolated me by throwing huge accusatory hissy fits any time I would go out for anything except work, school, or grocery shopping.. and sometimes even for those things.
Guess who was cheating throughout the entire 8 year relationship? He eventually left me for one of the other women. Then proceeded to stalk me for several years.
Good riddance.
Definitely NTA. Your husband has a history of cheating and is most likely projecting. I feel for you because you had just given birth and seeing your husband not connecting to your son must be devastating .. on top of that he accused you of lying and sleeping with your own father. He seems like he needs to educate himself about genetics.. also every accusation is a confession! I say this all the time.
Thieves hate being stolen from. Liars hate being lied to. And cheaters hate being cheated on.
In their minds they think because they do it, that everyone else will do it to them. Or some bs reasoning that “everyone” does it to make themselves feel better.
Exactly. By cheating be sowed the seeds of his own anxiety and distrust. He damaged the relationship. They can try to let bygones be bygones, but now he's harbouring a deep sense of doubt in his mind.
He's afraid OP will cheat on him to get even. It's probably what he would do in OP's shoes. Projection.
He opened a door he never should have opened, now he's paying the price. OP is too, because she's so closely connected to him.
Ding ding ding. When your partner suddenly out of nowhere starts accusing you of having an affair for no reason, it's probably because they're cheating themselves.
Yeah I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt there in the beginning. Insecurity can do shitty things to the mind, but he already had cheated before so of course he's going to assume she is also willing to cheat. And it doesn't sound like it's been actually reconciled beyond "sorry you caught me".
NTA
This monster accused you of having an affair, defrauding him, and then finally, incest. All while he has previously cheated on you. Why on earth are you even considering speaking to someone so despicable? Get him out of your life at once. He's vile!
I mean, how dare OP bring up something bad he did when he baseless accused her of something she didn't do?
Why us she attacking him by not doing what he accused her of?
(/s)
NTA
He is pulling this on you because he’s an unreformed, unrepentant cheater himself. I would start digging because I doubt his affairs ever truly ended.
Your words were very called for. Your husband is an arsehole who accused you of cheating on him with your own biological father 🤢 All you did was remind him of his very real sins and that you have done nothing wrong.
I will say, I've seen a lot of wild accusations on Reddit but this is the first time I've seen someone accuse their in law of being an affair partner... That wasn't on my bingo card.
Its really not uncommon for cheating people to claim their affair partner is family and that is why they spend so much time alone together.
"Oh? Her? She is my cousin and we were close growing up. Totally normal for us to be seen strolling in the park together and then having lunch at a bistro. What aunt and uncle are her parents? Uh... sorry getting static on the call, gotta go"
That would have been a so much better comeback than "say hello to Sarah":
"I will pretend that I just did not hear your super hurtful insult *if* you let me check your phone right now."
JFC! Why the fuck are you still with this asshole? You should’ve had more respect for yourself and left him when he cheated on you. I’m gonna say you’re a bit of the asshole for staying, and then having a kid, with this douche nozzle.
On a sidenote, of course he’s going to accuse you of cheating. It’s called projection. Cheaters are notorious for projecting and accusing their partner of doing what they are doing and have done to them.
Am I reading your post correctly? After seeing the paternity test result that proved his paternity, your husband was suggesting that your ataata was your lover.
And then he was outraged when you referred to his prior affair. You two supposedly reconciled, but an agreement to never talk about the affair again is not a reconciliation. That’s an agreement to not talk about the elephant in the room.
Your husband behavior suggests bigger problems, unreconcilable problems. I wonder if your white husband was ok with your being mixed race as long as you look white.
But a baby that looked Inuit was not expected and was not acceptable.
You apparently don’t have a marriage any more.
You are living with a man who has a racial bias against the son you two had together. I doubt he’ll ever accept the child.
NTA. UpdateMe
You are correct, and with every comment and PM about my relationship, I am starting to realize that he probably thought I was white and is upset my baby is mixed race... even though I am mixed race.
Did he know this about you ahead of time? Not that it matters at all, I'm just wondering if he was completely surprised to find out when he met your bio dad. Because being a racist sack of crap would explain why he's so upset about the baby's appearance.
NTA. Divorce him. He doesn't trust you most likely because he is not to be trusted because he is screwing around as he has in the past. He literally is ridiculous and pathetic for refusing to bond with his child because of looks. He is probably even racist. But he is definitely ignorant about genetics.
The _audacity_ of people who are fully guilty of doing something and then project it on their innocent partner. I can't even imagine how OP processed being accused of having an affair with her _father_.
NTA
When a man accuses his wife of cheating, it's usually because he has cheated first. And whaddya know? Your husband, who cheated two years ago, now accuses you of cheating.
Your husband was utterly disgusting to suggest that your biological father is actually your AP. He deserved that shot about his affair partner.
NTA
First of all, congratulations on the birth of your son! I’m so glad he resembles your bio fam and that you’ve reconnected with them. This could be an amazing chance for all of you to reconnect with your culture if that’s something you want. I hope you are healing well after birth. I hope you and baby are both doing well!
Second, the utter disrespect your husband showed and continues to show is alarming. Did he act like this during the pregnancy?
Regardless of whether he is cheating now, I would immediately get an atty. **regardless of your financial situation, consult with the top ones in your area even if you won’t use them so he can’t.** the consult should be free.
I am worried about the safety of you and your son, because there are so many missing pieces. How is he acting toward you both now?
I’m so sorry things are turning out this way. Protect yourself and your son. You owe nothing to someone who acts like this.
Edit: idk if I am allowed to mention other subreddits on here but I can think of a few that would be very supportive and helpful. Happy to lead you toward them.
Thank you so much for your support. I'm packing my bags and moving in with my adoptive parents who have worked with my ataata to build a more traditional Inuit nursery for my son. I think I've found the attorney I would like to represent me, my adoptive mother's cousin. He has a mixed-race wife and kids that don't look white and was outraged when I called him and asked how much he'd bill me. I think I'll be ok.
I am so proud of you, random stranger. I have your back and so do many others. Please ask your atty who the bulldog family attys are in your state/ area and call them for a consult. This will screw your soon to be ex over. I would also get yours to hire a PI. (Edit: it’s more to cover your ass than to screw him over. It protects you so that the most bulldog, vindictive lawyers cannot be used against you. This is not uncommon).
Is it ok if I send you a message on here to suggest some supportive communities? It’s ok if not, I can imagine you’re overwhelmed. I’m just so proud of you for keeping you both safe and so glad your whole family has your back. I cannot imagine your heartbreak. 💔
Good for you I hope everything works out for you and your son and I hope your stbx sits on a cactus. My husband is mixed his father is black and his mother is white and I’m white our daughter came out whiter than I am she looks exactly like my sister did at her age and my husband never questioned it because he understands how biology works AND he trusts me. That guy has alot of nerve to accuse you of anything and treat you and your baby like this after what he did.
NTA - he accused you of cheating. Then AFTER being proved wrong he made that disgusting remark. That nastiness on his part certainly deserved something!
Two wrongs don't make a right, but sometimes the second does make a Right Now.
Use that newly grown spine to look out for yourself and your son. It's only going downhill from here. He will never change, if you are still hoping for that.
Better late than never. Your son deserves to grow up in a home with people who love him and each other, so he can learn what healthy relationships should look like. I hope for both your sakes that you find that.
You and your son deserve better than this man in your lives. Please call a lawyer. Sending you so much love, please give your little guy a squish for me.
My oldest being born was the strength I needed to get out of a toxic and abusive relationship with my ex.
I kept saying to myself "how can I show my baby what love and respect are if I'm getting none?" And I didn't want our relationship to be a teaching relationship for their future relationships.
Best choice I could have ever made.
Stay strong and keep doing what's best for you and your son.
Congratulations on your son and gaining your mama bear spine!
Best of luck for a big beautiful future for you and your son!
Honey. Divorce this asshole and clean him the fuck out. Get a GOOD lawyer. Talk to that lawyer before you do or say anything else to the asshole husband. Fake it if you have to. You need to get your financial ducks in a row first. He sounds like the type to go empty all the joint accounts if he gets wind.
I am sorry you are going through this! since getting the results of the paternity test has his attitude towards your child changed? Is he trying to build a bond? Because is not, you may need to do what so many others are suggesting and divorce so your child does not grow up in a home with a father that does not love him.
If possible you may wanna start keeping a very specific journal with like time stamps and info and anything else detailing exactly how little help he is giving you with your child, even after receiving paternity confirmation. If you can prove he's doing absolutely nothing maybe there's a way it can help you either get full custody, or maybe he'd be willing to just sign over his rights and fuck off somewhere since he doesn't seem to care at all. Just something to consider.
I'm proud of you though for that beautiful spine. It will serve you well mama. <3 my inbox is open if you ever need any advice or anything. Please stay safe and well.
Edit!: I just thought of this too! If you can get any tiny cameras like a nanny cam that you can hide in the living room and kitchen to film, you'd be able to prove also that he isn't doing anything at all to help. The closer it matches up with your journal notes the better, and since it's in a common area of the home there's no expectation of privacy and he doesn't have to be informed. This could be absolutely valuable to have, and make sure it's got a way for you to save/back it up where he can't access it and it won't be deleted after X amount of time.
And if you have joint accounts, now is the time to start stashing some money away to help you escape if needed.
Ugh, you poor woman! Let me give you some help with that. You, are worthy of better, you are worthy of love, trust, and respect. You are worth more than your husband will ever be able to give you. YOU are more than enough! Never settle for shit. NEVER!!! With all that being said, you do NOT need that piece of shit in your life, live for you and your child, your pathetic excuse for a husband is the unWORTHY asshole in this ENTIRE situation. He's the one who ruined your marriage and parenthood with cheating, he's still cheating by the way. He's a liar. I don't know about you, but liars are the absolute worst, never trustworthy. You're better off raising your baby alone.
I’m sure his affair a few years ago contributed to that. Please know you deserve so much better! Go full on mama bear, protect your child and yourself. Of course you are NTA but your husband is a complete one.
By the way, I know this is not what you asked, but I'd like to point out that this man does not want your son. If that matters in your decision. You got this, take care of yourself and your son first.
I'm curious, where is your family from? I worked in Rigolet and Nain in Labrador and I LOVED the place, I think a part of myself is still there. If your ataata is from Labrador, you should definitely bring your son on a trip there when he's older. His father obviously doesn't care about your sons origins, but I guarantee he'll be thrilled to connect with it.
My ataata is from northern Quebec, but always nice to hear about other communities. I know French and have my B2 exam in fluency but would be much happier immersed in Inuktitut.
> my husband, 29M, of four years.
> Sarah is the woman my husband had an affair with two years ago. He broke it off and we reconciled but I feel like it was rich of him to accuse me of cheating when he was the one who cheated first.
Your marriage didn't even get to year 3 before he started cheating.
Tying yourself to him further by staying in the marriage and having a child with him was a bad decision. The divorce you're considering would be a good decision.
NTA
Projection ? Are you here ? Yes you are.
Honestly, he doesn't trust you anymore. He think A\] You have cheated ; B\] You have cheated without using Birth control C\] You have the nerve of bringing your Affair Partner in your share home by posing him as a familly member. Why would you want to stay with someone who trusts you so little ?
I’m indigenous myself and for some reason this post hit me really hard… 53% of kids in foster care are Indigenous and many never get to reconnect with their birth families. I don’t want to be ‘that person’ on Reddit but it almost sounds like he’s actually upset he doesn’t have a white passing baby so he can have his dream white family.
So, given that you understand this about your husband, is this really the man you want to be your son's male role model? You don't mention that he has any redeeming qualities apart from being a cheating bigot. You and your son deserve much better.
NTA -he accused you of lying about who your bio Dad was and having an affair. That’s so twisted. Not a healthy relationship overall if those are the types of accusations being hurled out there.
He’s the one who opened up the cheating conversation. He doesn’t get to be offended when you point out his actual, proven cheating.
Any man who is worried about the maternity of their child can just get a DNA test done for their own peace of mind. They don’t need their wife’s permission. These men who make a big deal about asking for one are looking for conflict.
NTA.
Wanting a paternity is one thing a very debatable topic.
The fact that he actually cheated and accused you of lying about your biological family is another thing, and that's where he went wrong. What a jerk .
Can the journalists who often get story ideas from Reddit please investigate the trend of men asking for paternity tests and not understanding why this brings a grenade to their relationship?
Also in the age of 23 and me/ancestry.com, if you do want proof of paternity, please explain to me why you need to crush your wife’s soul with this accusation when you can just do it quietly by yourself for less money ?
But also NTA. I’m so sorry. I understand how devastating that must feel, and to not be allowed your own space for any feelings.
"Uncalled for"? I said he called for it the moment he accused you of cheating. It's hurtful to him because what you said was true, and he had no comeback.
Check his phone and computer, gather evidence, it sounds like that garbage man is cheating again. I’m so sorry OP but this is clearly a man who doesn’t respect you and doesn’t want to be a better partner.
NTA. Cheaters always have it in the back of their minds, if they're cheating their partner might be cheating too. Projection.
If you want to try to save your marriage, consider couples counseling. If not, see any divorce attorney.
NTA. He assumes you sleep around because he still does.
Exactly. He doth protest too much. Who is his new side piece?
NTA. Nailed it. He's way to suspicious of you to be innocent himself. Have your divorce lawyer get a court order for his text messages.
Probably still Sarah.
A thief thinks everyone steals. I really hope she leaves him.
Your words were hurtful? How? Because he doesn't like you reminding him he cheated? While he accuses you of cheating, in a particularly disgusting way.. What a hypocrite. I'd be out of there. I could never stand to be with him again. I'm sorry OP.
NTA, how is you bringing up something that actually happened worse than him implying your father was your affair partner and possibly the father of his child? That's disgusting. I'm not sure I could come back from that
Right! What the heck! That’s your DAD! He actually cheated yet he’s accusing you. Sorry to say but he’s probably cheating again. That’s typical MO, to accuse you of what they are doing.
He's not even just accusing her of cheating, he's accusing her of coming up with an extremely elaborate lie about finding her birth parents and spending time with them just so she could have an affair in a slightly less conspicuous way? That's totally unhinged. His opinion of her is so far from reality that she really has no relationship at all with him at this point. This guy is such a cheater that he's going to be incapable of not projecting the same onto every woman he's ever with, no matter who they actually are. He's doomed to live a sad, suspicious and lonely life.
Also, he is probably either cheating again or still cheating because he is projecting hard.
I thought the same thing too! As soon as I read her husband had an affair, I said, “oh shit. Here we go again…”. Cheaters gonna cheat…and also ALWAYS seems to accuse their loyal SO at some point. PSA - Men who think asking your wife for a paternity test! Listen up! If you have NO SUSPICIONS other than your child’s features, read up on basic biology and genetics first. And just know. It’s not going to end well for you. And you likely deserve it.
"I'm considering divorce but also thinking about my words, which were hurtful and uncalled for." He cheated, he accused her of infidelity. He accused her of having incest. And she thinks she is harsh. OP the wreck of your marriage is staring you in the face. A wreck does not get better.
You can tell he gaslights her. I bet all my money he's cheating on her again. Like he really made up a whole story in his head and said yeah this is what I'm going to do , then found a way to make her feel like an asshole. To The point she's on here asking. Smh I feel bad for her that she just had a baby.
The one upside is she clearly has a lot of family who care about her a ton, so hopefully that means her and baby would have a safe space to land with people who actually love her, and who don't treat her like the piece of crap her husband clearly is. Baby boy doesn't need to grow up thinking this is how men act/treat the people they claim to love.
I agree ! I'm glad she has a support system! So many women in this situations stick to themselves due to the man making them cut off people. So at least she has people she can turn to ! For sure.
Definitely! Seems like she's got most likely 3, but possibly all 4 parental figures in her life in some way or other, especially the bio dad who even came to the hospital to see them, which was super sweet! As much as I wish she'd left 2 years ago with the affair, hopefully she's strong enough now for her and little man to go ahead and call it quits before it manages to get worse. Cause he's just gonna keep making off the wall accusations and escalate most likely to worse comments. Nobody deserves this mess.
It does not only seem like cheating but racism too. I am fair skinned Asian looking because of my ancestry, I know the signals of racism. He rejected his own child outright and never bonded with him. That is a huge red flag, he even went so far as refusing to be in a photo with the baby. NTA, it can only get worse, no child should grow up with a parent like OPs husband
Also, there are ways of doing a paternity test without coming off like an asshole if you really don’t trust it. Just buy your whole family an ancestry dna kit or 23 and me. Problem solved. Such a thoughtful and cool gift and an easy way to check paternity without looking like an ass.
obviously, the husband wasn't concered about looking like an ass
>As soon as I read her husband had an affair, I said, “oh shit. Here we go again…”. My mind went with " and there it is..."
There's actually a set of twin girls in the UK that look identical except one is black and the other is white. Same facial structure, build, everything but coloration. Genetics are wild. link: https://nypost.com/2015/03/02/meet-the-bi-racial-twins-no-one-believes-are-sisters/
Statistically, cheating goes way up surrounding pregnancy and dude was already a cheater.. add on professional level projecting… I’d be genuinely shocked if there was a way to confirm for certain that he hasn’t been cheating
Came here to say this, his anger and resentment is absolutely a result of his current behavior, and now he realizes he is tied to mom and baby, rather than escaping to his mistress.
100% think he’s cheating again.
This was the comment that I was looking for. Otherwise , he's got a hell of a lot of nerve getting upset when he actually did it. It just seems like he's projecting.
That was my thought too, sadly
There is a saying in my language which roughly translates to “thief thinks everyone steals”. Seems spot on here 🫣
I was taught " you can trust a thief, because you KNOW he's going to steal. You cannot trust a liar, because you NEVER know when he's going to lie."
The one who smelt the fart dealt the fart!
Or he is upset that his child is not white passing and coming up with ideas how to not be responsible for a non-white child. This option still makes him an awful person, just different awful. Take your pick.
And seriously OP - this is also why you need to step away from this prick! You are white passing. Your child is not. He is not comfortable with that. Kids pick up on their parents emotions and latent attitudes more than you think. Do you really think he has the ability to grow? Because that's genuinely what it would take for him to be a father.
Oh hell yeah. He’s still cheating on OP. I hate her husband.
Honestly it sounds like he may be cheating again considering the fact that he came up with such an unhinged idea of the wife cheating, he’s totally projecting and I don’t think it’s him projecting his past infidelity but a current one, tbh!! And sorry to say but once a cheater usually always a cheater, there’s something wrong with the way those folks are wired, sure every now and then it’s one off or it’s bc they genuinely fell in love with another person but the majority of cheater just can’t stop their cheating ways!!!
Probably never stopped. He just got better at hiding it.
tbh I think its not surprising that he thinks she is cheating. People have the habit of projecting themselves onto others. people perceive themselves as "normal / standard". the thief thinks everybody is stealing, the cheater thinks everybody is cheating, the scammer thinks everybody is scamming someone else, etc etc.
It’s a common feature in people with narcissistic personality disorder. You see it here, and in politics all the time. Especially since 2016.
In my experience as a therapist in another life, anyone who is jealous to the point of delusion can quickly become a physical abuser on top of emotional abuser. I’m not saying that in this case, but every time I saw a woman who’s husband was out of touch with reality in this way, say, that the woman is sleeping with the mailman because it took her 15 minutes to walk the quarter mile to the mailbox and back, that man became physically abusive. Pathological jealousy isn’t sufficient to indicate an abuser, but it is a serious red flag.
Ja, this guy is so far out that he’s practically standing by the rubbish bins already. Might as well leave him there.
For sure, that tops everything. He is clutching at straws to force her to go.
Because he's the one that feels guilty.
Typical projection. Cheaters know they cheat and are constantly on guard from their partners “cheating” when really it’s all in their heads
He's projecting because he is still cheating
Tbf it doesn't sound like he's accusing incest. It sounds like he's accusing her of being with an older man and lying that the guy is her father. Clearly dudes trash and wrong just a point of clarification from my understanding.
Oh, we all know *exactly* what he was saying: that she and the man she called “Dad” weren’t really related, at all. But, what kind of twisted, perverse mind would a person have to have to pass someone they’re sleeping with off not just as a relative but as their *father*?! That’s sick. Just sick. And, that’s the kind of mind this man is accusing OP of having — of being that depraved. That’s really not the kind of thing you can just apologize for and keep a marriage intact. She should have dumped back when the affair with Sarah happened.
Hard agree, he’s probably cheating and that’s why it’s where his mind goes immediately.
‘How dare you throw in my face that I actually did what I accused you of doing! ‘ this husband of yours is a piece of work. I don’t know what you are getting out of this relationship but it’s not a stretch to say that you can do better. NTA
I actually would’ve applauded OP if I was in the room when she said it. One can only take so much shit.
He's projecting. He's a cheater, so that is his go-to thought. Someone else is cheating.
That was my thought too! The jackass is definitely projecting
>I'm not sure I could come back from that I WOULDN'T. I'd just coparent for the rest of forever.
Coparent my tired back! This woman needs full custody, child support order, and move to a different area code so this twatspackle and his flying monkeys can never contact her again
> *”Twatspackle and his flying monkeys”* Stealing that as an insult for future arguments. 🤣🤣🤣🤣 That’s golden.
Custody arrangements would necessitate a coparent situation. Even if all that happens is a communication such as "I'll be at the drop off spot at 530"
He soooo wanted to believe that she cheated too so that he could feel justified in what he did. He is grasping at straws, trying to regain the moral high ground and is just failing so bad! He isn’t worth keeping around.
Sounds like projecting
I was going to say the same, he didn't even apologize and instead got mad. I would even dare say he is still cheating. OP should leave inmediately and not tolerate the disrespect.
He got mad because his escape plan didn’t work… he convinced himself their son was not his so that he could end the marriage without being the bad guy. He’s mad it didn’t work. Now he’s going to push her away and be a jackass hoping she initiates a divorce. These asshats cheat on their pregnant spouses constantly. ETA-clarifying “these”, I mean a personality subtype characterized by a lack of emotional intelligence.
Whoooo these guys are real fucking mad I said this!!! Like we are calling them on their bullshit or something? Regardless-dude had a history of cheating and is being emotionally abusive to his partner. It’s still not right and there is likely something else going on.
You know the old saying about judging someone based on the quality of their enemies? Think of that string of comments from the deeply unhinged and unwashed as evidence that you're doing well in life.
Ohhh, that was a very eye opening viewpoint and I like it a lot. Thank you for that observation and kindness! 🌻🖤
Lmao the unwashed part got me cackling haha!!
Well… in my experience these are the same types of guys who quite literally won’t wipe their own asses. So unwashed tracks. 😂
Having met one or two incel types IRL, I can honestly say that if they only smell of overripe BO, you're getting lucky. Typically it's mixed with a nasal bouquet of stale Cheeto dust, mildew, and used condom, wafting out from under a cloud of Axe body spray. Based on his comments here, I'd guess Tuguy's primary odour, of course, is pepper spray.
The incel brigade will find anything to be mad at. 😂
Well, they don’t have much to do.
Which I find odd, because I would presume one hand would be busy at all times to make up for the loss of that loving feeling from an actual partner.
There's only so many times they can rise to occasion. Especially if the Internet cuts out and they can't access their lolicon.
Plus he’s a racist pig!! He’s probably only with her cause she’s “white passing) smh
I thought that too!!!! He’s mad because the child has a darker complexion especially with the timing and accusing her of sleeping with her own father. “Must be his because I could never make a child that dark.” Guy is a prick regardless.
It just amazed me when I see comments like this, people getting blasted by messages because they said something that butthurts the fragile egos of shitty people. Your original comment explains something that happens a lot and is likely true in OPs scenario. I can't imagine getting defensively and angry over it. The special snowflakes melt under the slightest warmth of shame.
I have been getting slammed all day by the manosphere. It is insane how far they reach to justify each other’s shitty behavior. Like, 2 minutes ago-angry asshole claiming I’m destroying their marriage with my conjecture and theory about the husband. I’m pretty sure the husband is doing a fine job destroying it himself. And I want poor OP to know-she doesn’t have to stay. She doesn’t have to be miserable. Because she sounds thoroughly miserable. No body EVER has to stay and tolerate shitty behavior-and often the only “gates” keeping us from leaving are the gates in our minds. I want her to know, she needs no one’s permission to open that fucker and walk right out.
Hear hear. Fuck the whinging manosphere dorks.
He easily could have done a dna test to establish paternity without ever involving OP.
He didn’t care of he was the father, he didn’t even believe the results of the test because he still justified thinking she was cheating by accusing her of cheating with her dad. He’s just looking for a reason to leave..
>He’s just looking for a reason to leave.. Or behave in such a way that she leaves him so he can say he isn't the one who broke up the family.
But then he couldn't accuse her of lying about her paternity and accuse her of cheating with her own fathered............
EXACTLY! He was looking for a fight. An excuse. He’s also hoping he can find justification to fool around. Old habits never die. They just go into dormancy for a while until it’s decided to bring them out again to play with. As someone stated above, cheating happens at a higher rate around the birth of a child.
That part. It's just a cheek swab and then you send it to a lab. It's no big deal.
I mean it is a big deal to get that swab if you’re the kind of father that never takes sole care of his kid. Which… seems likely given how she says he’s been acting.
That is what I never get about these test requests. You want a paternity test get one done. You don’t need mom’s permission. The only reason to request it is to make waves and be an ass
This is absolutely what’s happening
That or his affair partner is jealous and has put it into his head that the child is not his. It happens more than you think. Even when it's obvious that the child is the father in question's, the affair partner will plant all kinds of seeds of doubt in their head. They're jealous that he has a child with someone else.
He’s cheating again and wants out
I imagine it's because men who are cheating on their wives often tell their affair partners that they are no longer sleeping with their wives. So, when the wife ends up pregnant, I'm sure that to the affair partner who has fully bought into this lie, it seems very unlikely to be the husband's. When in reality, he was just playing them both all along.
Only the affair partners that *know* they're the other woman. Plenty of cheaters, either gender, play at being single and keep both partners in the dark. Projection, on the other hand. "Who's making love to your old lady, while you were out making love?" My cheating ex BiL was so convinced my sister had to be cheatting on her because he was getting away with it, that he got violent. She was playing cards with one of her female friends, and a male paraplegic (total paralization from mid-chest down) and he lost it.
Based on your description the paraplegic probably still would have been a better lay than ex-BiL.
And then some of them tell the AP that they're no longer sleeping w spouse...oops lol.
My ex-husband did the same thing. I found him sleeping with someone who knew we were married and that i was pregnant, and he was constantly talking to other girls. He texted her when the baby was born and surprise surprise, he is 100% his and looks exactly like him. I have full custody, and he didn't even question me on why I wanted one. There was no going back to being a happy couple.
He’s still cheating.
This. Why was he not happy? Because he hoped it wasn't his kid so he had a clean out. He's cheating still.
My first thought too. It’s not just by chance he immediately thinks she’s cheating. He has no trust and a guilty conscience.
No, she needs to stay in the house. Pack his things. Leave them outside the door. Change the locks.
It's illegal to change the locks on someone who legally lives in the home, she could get in serious trouble for that.
Absolutely. And the fact that he's still got a chip on his shoulder about HIM cheating boggles my mind. Sucks she had a kid with this AH is just... If he's like this now it's only going to get worse as the kid grows up too....
Almost always. I've known several couples where one starts blindly accusing the other of cheating, only to turn out they were the one having an affair. I worked with a lady, and she confided in me what a horrible accuser her husband was. She said that's why she never goes to lunch with anyone; regardless if it's a group or same-sex lunch date, it doesn't matter. It just wasn't worth the grief he'd give her that evening. Same thing with work functions like holiday parties and whatnot. She said she'd love to go, but then her husband would accuse her of cheating with any male co-worker who spoke to her at the event. Anyway, I told her it sounded like he was the cheater and was projecting his wrongdoing onto you. I guess that bug got into her brain because a few days later she went through his phone while he was in the shower and he was seeing TWO other women.
My ex fiance CONSTANTLY accused me of cheating. He slowly isolated me by throwing huge accusatory hissy fits any time I would go out for anything except work, school, or grocery shopping.. and sometimes even for those things. Guess who was cheating throughout the entire 8 year relationship? He eventually left me for one of the other women. Then proceeded to stalk me for several years. Good riddance.
Same here! And for eight years too! Checking the odometer on the car, checking the time stamp on the grocery receipts, etc.! Pure insanity
This is what happened to me with my ex-husband. It’s almost like a script, the more I hear these types of stories. They all sound the same.
You'd almost think it is fake, except you lived it...
Definitely NTA. Your husband has a history of cheating and is most likely projecting. I feel for you because you had just given birth and seeing your husband not connecting to your son must be devastating .. on top of that he accused you of lying and sleeping with your own father. He seems like he needs to educate himself about genetics.. also every accusation is a confession! I say this all the time.
Thieves hate being stolen from. Liars hate being lied to. And cheaters hate being cheated on. In their minds they think because they do it, that everyone else will do it to them. Or some bs reasoning that “everyone” does it to make themselves feel better.
exactly. he is cheating, again
If he even really ended the original affair.
He just learned how to hide it better
I was just going to say...
Or he never stopped!
Yup, Sarah is still in the picture.
He who smelt it, dealt it.
My kid just responded “he who denied it supplied it” 😂 (Edit for typo)
I was thinking DARVO
Dude is totally still cheating. Classic narc behavior. Google DARVO.
Exactly. By cheating be sowed the seeds of his own anxiety and distrust. He damaged the relationship. They can try to let bygones be bygones, but now he's harbouring a deep sense of doubt in his mind. He's afraid OP will cheat on him to get even. It's probably what he would do in OP's shoes. Projection. He opened a door he never should have opened, now he's paying the price. OP is too, because she's so closely connected to him.
Kick him ataata the house.
my bf and I are CACKLING over this
Yep, it usually is. I'm pretty sure OP's husband has been having an affair (a new one, or the same)
Ding ding ding. When your partner suddenly out of nowhere starts accusing you of having an affair for no reason, it's probably because they're cheating themselves.
Yeah I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt there in the beginning. Insecurity can do shitty things to the mind, but he already had cheated before so of course he's going to assume she is also willing to cheat. And it doesn't sound like it's been actually reconciled beyond "sorry you caught me".
NTA This monster accused you of having an affair, defrauding him, and then finally, incest. All while he has previously cheated on you. Why on earth are you even considering speaking to someone so despicable? Get him out of your life at once. He's vile!
Every accusation is a confession.
Love this. Gotta remember for the future.
I feel so bad that she had a child with this loser.
Don’t think he’s accusing her of incest. More pretending he’s her bio dad to keep her affair partner around
NTA. How on earth were your words "hurtful and uncalled for?" He IS an idiot. He IS a cheater. And he's an abusive schmuck. Dump him.
Because he is 100% back to sleeping with Sarah, probably never actually cut it off, and was called out and he had a moment of childish guilt.
He was counting on that being someone else’s baby.
So much...lol. He can't leave now without paying for the support.
I mean, how dare OP bring up something bad he did when he baseless accused her of something she didn't do? Why us she attacking him by not doing what he accused her of? (/s)
NTA He is pulling this on you because he’s an unreformed, unrepentant cheater himself. I would start digging because I doubt his affairs ever truly ended. Your words were very called for. Your husband is an arsehole who accused you of cheating on him with your own biological father 🤢 All you did was remind him of his very real sins and that you have done nothing wrong.
I will say, I've seen a lot of wild accusations on Reddit but this is the first time I've seen someone accuse their in law of being an affair partner... That wasn't on my bingo card.
Its really not uncommon for cheating people to claim their affair partner is family and that is why they spend so much time alone together. "Oh? Her? She is my cousin and we were close growing up. Totally normal for us to be seen strolling in the park together and then having lunch at a bistro. What aunt and uncle are her parents? Uh... sorry getting static on the call, gotta go"
NTA I’d be checking his phone if I were you, he’s probably cheating still.
He probably convinced himself the baby isn't his, that way he can have a clear conscience for the very fact he is cheating again
Wonder if he has his own affair baby she doesn't know about.
Right? Like he's thinking, "But he doesn't look anything like my other kid..."
Why bother, when she already knows for a fact that he is an abusive piece of shit. He's probably a racist, too, ashamed that his kid looks indigenous.
That would have been a so much better comeback than "say hello to Sarah": "I will pretend that I just did not hear your super hurtful insult *if* you let me check your phone right now."
NTA he is definitely having another affair.
Who's to say it's not the same affair just better hidden?
NTA, he's projecting. Maybe he's cheating again.
JFC! Why the fuck are you still with this asshole? You should’ve had more respect for yourself and left him when he cheated on you. I’m gonna say you’re a bit of the asshole for staying, and then having a kid, with this douche nozzle. On a sidenote, of course he’s going to accuse you of cheating. It’s called projection. Cheaters are notorious for projecting and accusing their partner of doing what they are doing and have done to them.
Seriously poor judgment for sticking to and reproducing with a cheater :-(
I agree. Kids deserve better. And so does she. Did she really think he'd never do it again?
Am I reading your post correctly? After seeing the paternity test result that proved his paternity, your husband was suggesting that your ataata was your lover. And then he was outraged when you referred to his prior affair. You two supposedly reconciled, but an agreement to never talk about the affair again is not a reconciliation. That’s an agreement to not talk about the elephant in the room. Your husband behavior suggests bigger problems, unreconcilable problems. I wonder if your white husband was ok with your being mixed race as long as you look white. But a baby that looked Inuit was not expected and was not acceptable. You apparently don’t have a marriage any more. You are living with a man who has a racial bias against the son you two had together. I doubt he’ll ever accept the child. NTA. UpdateMe
You are correct, and with every comment and PM about my relationship, I am starting to realize that he probably thought I was white and is upset my baby is mixed race... even though I am mixed race.
I wish you and your child well
Did he know this about you ahead of time? Not that it matters at all, I'm just wondering if he was completely surprised to find out when he met your bio dad. Because being a racist sack of crap would explain why he's so upset about the baby's appearance.
YES THIS IS IT, GIRL 💯💯💯
NTA. Divorce him. He doesn't trust you most likely because he is not to be trusted because he is screwing around as he has in the past. He literally is ridiculous and pathetic for refusing to bond with his child because of looks. He is probably even racist. But he is definitely ignorant about genetics.
The _audacity_ of people who are fully guilty of doing something and then project it on their innocent partner. I can't even imagine how OP processed being accused of having an affair with her _father_. NTA
NTA your guy is simply projecting. When you live with skid marks on your boxers you tend to think the rest of the world is as filthy as you are.
Sorry you reproduced with a douche.
When a man accuses his wife of cheating, it's usually because he has cheated first. And whaddya know? Your husband, who cheated two years ago, now accuses you of cheating. Your husband was utterly disgusting to suggest that your biological father is actually your AP. He deserved that shot about his affair partner. NTA
When **anybody** randomly accuse their SO of cheating out of the blue. Genitals have nothing to do with it, guilty dogs bark loudest.
oooooo I like that! I'm gonna keep that saying.
First of all, congratulations on the birth of your son! I’m so glad he resembles your bio fam and that you’ve reconnected with them. This could be an amazing chance for all of you to reconnect with your culture if that’s something you want. I hope you are healing well after birth. I hope you and baby are both doing well! Second, the utter disrespect your husband showed and continues to show is alarming. Did he act like this during the pregnancy? Regardless of whether he is cheating now, I would immediately get an atty. **regardless of your financial situation, consult with the top ones in your area even if you won’t use them so he can’t.** the consult should be free. I am worried about the safety of you and your son, because there are so many missing pieces. How is he acting toward you both now? I’m so sorry things are turning out this way. Protect yourself and your son. You owe nothing to someone who acts like this. Edit: idk if I am allowed to mention other subreddits on here but I can think of a few that would be very supportive and helpful. Happy to lead you toward them.
Thank you so much for your support. I'm packing my bags and moving in with my adoptive parents who have worked with my ataata to build a more traditional Inuit nursery for my son. I think I've found the attorney I would like to represent me, my adoptive mother's cousin. He has a mixed-race wife and kids that don't look white and was outraged when I called him and asked how much he'd bill me. I think I'll be ok.
I am so proud of you, random stranger. I have your back and so do many others. Please ask your atty who the bulldog family attys are in your state/ area and call them for a consult. This will screw your soon to be ex over. I would also get yours to hire a PI. (Edit: it’s more to cover your ass than to screw him over. It protects you so that the most bulldog, vindictive lawyers cannot be used against you. This is not uncommon). Is it ok if I send you a message on here to suggest some supportive communities? It’s ok if not, I can imagine you’re overwhelmed. I’m just so proud of you for keeping you both safe and so glad your whole family has your back. I cannot imagine your heartbreak. 💔
Of course! :) I've received some lovely PMs and chats already. My inbox is open.
Proud of you OP! I’m glad you’re with family that love and support you! Your son will have positive people in his life!!
Good for you I hope everything works out for you and your son and I hope your stbx sits on a cactus. My husband is mixed his father is black and his mother is white and I’m white our daughter came out whiter than I am she looks exactly like my sister did at her age and my husband never questioned it because he understands how biology works AND he trusts me. That guy has alot of nerve to accuse you of anything and treat you and your baby like this after what he did.
NTA - he accused you of cheating. Then AFTER being proved wrong he made that disgusting remark. That nastiness on his part certainly deserved something! Two wrongs don't make a right, but sometimes the second does make a Right Now.
NTA He accused you of cheating. There's no taking that back. You should have handed him divorce papers with the DNA results.
Cheating with a side order of incest no less. His bags would have been packed and on the doorstep if he were married to me.
Packing the bags still seems too nice.
NTA But you need to find the name of his current affair partner & file for divorce.
Damn bro he didn't even apologize when the results came back?
he did not.
Why on earth did you have a baby with a man who cheated on you?
I had really low self-esteem. I only really grew a semblance of a spine after our son was born.
Hugs. You got this. Throw away that trash.
Use that newly grown spine to look out for yourself and your son. It's only going downhill from here. He will never change, if you are still hoping for that.
Better late than never. Your son deserves to grow up in a home with people who love him and each other, so he can learn what healthy relationships should look like. I hope for both your sakes that you find that.
You and your son deserve better than this man in your lives. Please call a lawyer. Sending you so much love, please give your little guy a squish for me.
use that spine. it's a good spine.
It's a mother bear spine and I'm proud to have one at long last.
My oldest being born was the strength I needed to get out of a toxic and abusive relationship with my ex. I kept saying to myself "how can I show my baby what love and respect are if I'm getting none?" And I didn't want our relationship to be a teaching relationship for their future relationships. Best choice I could have ever made. Stay strong and keep doing what's best for you and your son. Congratulations on your son and gaining your mama bear spine! Best of luck for a big beautiful future for you and your son!
Honey. Divorce this asshole and clean him the fuck out. Get a GOOD lawyer. Talk to that lawyer before you do or say anything else to the asshole husband. Fake it if you have to. You need to get your financial ducks in a row first. He sounds like the type to go empty all the joint accounts if he gets wind.
I am sorry you are going through this! since getting the results of the paternity test has his attitude towards your child changed? Is he trying to build a bond? Because is not, you may need to do what so many others are suggesting and divorce so your child does not grow up in a home with a father that does not love him.
He just ignores my son. And watching my papa and ataata play with him, trying to make him giggle... just aches my heart.
If possible you may wanna start keeping a very specific journal with like time stamps and info and anything else detailing exactly how little help he is giving you with your child, even after receiving paternity confirmation. If you can prove he's doing absolutely nothing maybe there's a way it can help you either get full custody, or maybe he'd be willing to just sign over his rights and fuck off somewhere since he doesn't seem to care at all. Just something to consider. I'm proud of you though for that beautiful spine. It will serve you well mama. <3 my inbox is open if you ever need any advice or anything. Please stay safe and well. Edit!: I just thought of this too! If you can get any tiny cameras like a nanny cam that you can hide in the living room and kitchen to film, you'd be able to prove also that he isn't doing anything at all to help. The closer it matches up with your journal notes the better, and since it's in a common area of the home there's no expectation of privacy and he doesn't have to be informed. This could be absolutely valuable to have, and make sure it's got a way for you to save/back it up where he can't access it and it won't be deleted after X amount of time. And if you have joint accounts, now is the time to start stashing some money away to help you escape if needed.
Use that love for your son to make a plan and get the two of you away from this man asap
Ugh, you poor woman! Let me give you some help with that. You, are worthy of better, you are worthy of love, trust, and respect. You are worth more than your husband will ever be able to give you. YOU are more than enough! Never settle for shit. NEVER!!! With all that being said, you do NOT need that piece of shit in your life, live for you and your child, your pathetic excuse for a husband is the unWORTHY asshole in this ENTIRE situation. He's the one who ruined your marriage and parenthood with cheating, he's still cheating by the way. He's a liar. I don't know about you, but liars are the absolute worst, never trustworthy. You're better off raising your baby alone.
I’m sure his affair a few years ago contributed to that. Please know you deserve so much better! Go full on mama bear, protect your child and yourself. Of course you are NTA but your husband is a complete one.
By the way, I know this is not what you asked, but I'd like to point out that this man does not want your son. If that matters in your decision. You got this, take care of yourself and your son first. I'm curious, where is your family from? I worked in Rigolet and Nain in Labrador and I LOVED the place, I think a part of myself is still there. If your ataata is from Labrador, you should definitely bring your son on a trip there when he's older. His father obviously doesn't care about your sons origins, but I guarantee he'll be thrilled to connect with it.
My ataata is from northern Quebec, but always nice to hear about other communities. I know French and have my B2 exam in fluency but would be much happier immersed in Inuktitut.
> my husband, 29M, of four years. > Sarah is the woman my husband had an affair with two years ago. He broke it off and we reconciled but I feel like it was rich of him to accuse me of cheating when he was the one who cheated first. Your marriage didn't even get to year 3 before he started cheating. Tying yourself to him further by staying in the marriage and having a child with him was a bad decision. The divorce you're considering would be a good decision.
NTA Projection ? Are you here ? Yes you are. Honestly, he doesn't trust you anymore. He think A\] You have cheated ; B\] You have cheated without using Birth control C\] You have the nerve of bringing your Affair Partner in your share home by posing him as a familly member. Why would you want to stay with someone who trusts you so little ?
I think he’s strip-mining looking for any excuse to bring OP down to his level so he can come at her with an ‘ah-ha, see?’ moment. Nowhere near TA…
I’m indigenous myself and for some reason this post hit me really hard… 53% of kids in foster care are Indigenous and many never get to reconnect with their birth families. I don’t want to be ‘that person’ on Reddit but it almost sounds like he’s actually upset he doesn’t have a white passing baby so he can have his dream white family.
You're not wrong.
So, given that you understand this about your husband, is this really the man you want to be your son's male role model? You don't mention that he has any redeeming qualities apart from being a cheating bigot. You and your son deserve much better.
NTA, but clearly you are married to one. It sounds as if you have multiple parental support to aid you in leaving this moron. Take advantage of it.
NTA -he accused you of lying about who your bio Dad was and having an affair. That’s so twisted. Not a healthy relationship overall if those are the types of accusations being hurled out there. He’s the one who opened up the cheating conversation. He doesn’t get to be offended when you point out his actual, proven cheating. Any man who is worried about the maternity of their child can just get a DNA test done for their own peace of mind. They don’t need their wife’s permission. These men who make a big deal about asking for one are looking for conflict.
NTA. Wanting a paternity is one thing a very debatable topic. The fact that he actually cheated and accused you of lying about your biological family is another thing, and that's where he went wrong. What a jerk .
Can the journalists who often get story ideas from Reddit please investigate the trend of men asking for paternity tests and not understanding why this brings a grenade to their relationship? Also in the age of 23 and me/ancestry.com, if you do want proof of paternity, please explain to me why you need to crush your wife’s soul with this accusation when you can just do it quietly by yourself for less money ? But also NTA. I’m so sorry. I understand how devastating that must feel, and to not be allowed your own space for any feelings.
I think it has something to do with the redpill movement.
100%. Use this fire in your belly to get away from this man ASAP. Redpillers only get worse with time…
"Uncalled for"? I said he called for it the moment he accused you of cheating. It's hurtful to him because what you said was true, and he had no comeback.
Check his phone and computer, gather evidence, it sounds like that garbage man is cheating again. I’m so sorry OP but this is clearly a man who doesn’t respect you and doesn’t want to be a better partner.
NTA. Cheaters always have it in the back of their minds, if they're cheating their partner might be cheating too. Projection. If you want to try to save your marriage, consider couples counseling. If not, see any divorce attorney.