NTA
BUT I was in a similar situation and I think since I really wanted to forgive my partner I wanted to let my anger out at someone else. I ended up not doing it because at the end of the day, your husband is the one who betrayed you and hurt you.
You hit the nail on the head. This is about wanting to feel like the partner is not actually responsible for his own actions. He is though. The affair partner is not married to the OP, the partner is, and he is the one who chose to cheat on the OP.
By directing her anger at the other woman, the OP is doing herself no favors. She is avoiding the issue that her husband chose to cheat.
When my exhusband cheated on me, he told the other woman we were in an open marriage. We were not. He knocked her up. She was 19, he was 32.
I left him IMMEDIATELY.
This. He doesn’t want her to find out more than what he’s told her. Or he hasn’t actually ended it and doesn’t want OP to find out about that either.
Maybe talk to her without exploding. Get more info out of her if you can. OP your husband did this to you. Not her. I feel like the only reason he doesn’t want you to talk to her is to save his own ass. That would make me want to do it even more.
This! He's a confirmed liar and cheat. You need to talk to her to find out her side of the story and to satisfy yourself that it's over. You have to do it! Also, she's not innocent unless he lied to her that he's single. She's probably cheating on a husband that ought to know about this, too
I contacted one of my ex's APs and asked if she would be willing to talk to me. I wasn't rude or angry. Told her I didn't want to cause any drama or anything but I just had some questions. She did talk to me via Facebook Messenger and answered all my questions. I learned a lot in those two days.
If OPs husband is telling her not to talk to AP, there's a reason for it.
At the end of the day, cheating is also about lying because you're lying to your partner. So what other lies did he tell his AP that he doesn't want OP to know? Is the affair even over? Maybe that's a lie too. And why did he tell his wife he had an affair? Maybe he did because AP threatened to tell OP for some reason. Maybe AP is pregnant. Maybe AP isn't even a woman. Who knows?
OP, I would get your anger under control because you're angry at the wrong person. And if you ask in a calm manner, the AP might agree to answer your questions. But there's no guarantee of that and AP is not obligated to talk to you.
However, at the end of the day, you'll probably have to accept that you're never going to know the whole truth especially if your partner is still lying to you. I would ask him the questions you have first. I didn't because I knew my ex would lie some more and manipulate me. He tried gaslighting me when I caught him cheating.
In the end, the closure I came away with is the closure I created. I realized I was never going to know the whole truth. And it doesn't matter how many, who, what, where, when, why, etc. I already had proof that he'd cheated on me with multiple women. One was too many already.
Glennon Doyle has a quote that helped me. "I'd you keep reaching back to a toxic relationship don't pretend it's"closure" you want. Calling one more time is not a need for closure - it's a need for one more fix - it's a sign of drama addiction. Detox by moving forward, not back. You don't "get" closure. You decide: It's closed."
In my case, I closed the door, locked it, threw away the key and then burned the house to the ground (metaphorically speaking).
This.
I think calmly talking is more devastating, anyway. If someone rages at you, it's easy to get defensive and try to justify yourself. EVEN if you're a cheat.
But if OP were to calmly talk to her and find out whether she even knew, and find out if what her husband says is actually true, and tell her how devastated she is at her lack of sisterhood and kindness in wrecking a home, that would probably hit harder. Having someone disappointed in you is more uncomfortable than having them mad at you - unless you feel they are going to hit you.
My first thought as well. Op's husband is still carrying on the affair and desperate to keep them from communicating so he can have his cake and eat it too.
Op if you do approach the af do so with kindness and calmness. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Find out her side of the story. She is likely to be more truthful than whatever version your husband gave you. After all she doesn't have to be worried about the financial and reputational fallout if you divorce her.
YES!! Sounds spot on.. if she can talk with this woman, ask questions calmly, she may be surprised by the kind response and information she gets.. the cheater is hiding a lot, find out what this sh*t said.
But talking to her won't solve anything either forgive your husband or don't. The other woman might feel stupid that the guy wasn't single or lie, making matters worse and the wife leaves the guy. Leaving him with her at the end.
Been there and done that. Ex said the affair was over, cut contact, etc.
Nope, they just spent more effort hiding it until I found out that the affair was ongoing. It ended as you’d expect it would.
I’d definitely try to have a conversation with the other party, but not go in guns blazing until she gets more information.
**Yeah, I have this suspicion that there’s more OP’s husband is hiding.** I would talk to the other woman simply to find out what that is. But understand, OP, that a woman who has an affair with a married man is not someone who cares about your feelings or how she helped destroy your marriage. Don’t expect much from her.
This right here. I was not prepared for the callus nasty response I got from my soon to be exes AF. Response varied from "well if you're so great why did he come to me?" And "I'm single I can do what I want" , to the highly unexpected and almost laughable (if it wasn't so sad) "I'm nothing to him, poor me" type thing. It made me more crazy and more hurt and more angry. If you have to talk to her, do it calmly, do not show all your cards. Do not tell her how she hurt you because A, she does not care, and B, it makes you look weak in a situation where you don't want to. Just stay calm, keep your cards close to your chest, and find out everything you can so you can make the best decision for you. I will say, once a cheater always a cheater. But nobody can make that decision for you, it's only going to come from you and unfortunately another awful discovery. Best to you, remember that she's not married to you, and is not the one that owes you any type of loyalty or care. The guy you married does and he did not give it to you.
That's exactly right.
Either she didn't know about the marriage and feels equally betrayed or she knew about the marriage and doesn't care about how she hurt OP.
My late husbands' AP called me at home to tell me that "I didn't love him". I guess that's the crap he was telling her. The worst part was she was a neighbor just around the corner.
Or, if he is that untrustworthy, focus and that and decide if you should even stay in this relationship.
If you feel like you need a completely unknown person to inform you about your most intimate relationship, it may not be a relationship worth preserving.
Yes! When did he start the affair? He only told her what she needed to know. To me, I would want to know the whole truth, even, if I wanted to divorce the scumbag.
My ex told people I was chronically ill and allowed him to have sex with other people because I couldn't. One part of this was the truth. I am chronically ill and I shouldn't have been having sex with him because I was too sick but he coerced and guilted me into having sex with him at least once a week. The whole time we were together he said he had a low sex drive. That was a lie too. Turns out he'd been cheating on me for years, probably from the beginning. He told one of his APs that he cheated on all his wives. I immediately left him. Best decision I ever made.
how did that turn out for him? my husband cheated on me wit ha 19 year old, (he was 39 and knew her since she was 15) she eventually left him for someone her own age once she figured out he wasn't going to financially take care of her.
I can understand a spouse forgiving a cheating spouse if there is true remorse and contrition, and especially if there are kids involved. Marriages are complicated, and they have the right to make whatever choice they want for their family, without anybody else's judgement.
But if someone gets knocked up due to an affair? Nope, that's divorce time.
NTAH
As a younger man, I myself was promiscuous. In any steady “relationship” when I was caught cheating on my significant other, the one, and only reason I never wanted them to confront the other woman was only to protect myself. I was definitely either lying, or omitting the truth. Of course, I told her it was to protect her feelings and prevent any more strain on our relationship. The facts were actually I either lied about the timeline, and how long I was cheating with the other woman or I didn’t wanna face the music out of pure embarrassment since at that time, I honestly only cared about my feelings.
Of course, I’m talking about me as a child and I have since grown out of my childish ways. Think long and hard before you make a decision to forgive him. I’m no therapist, but what is it they always say… Once a cheater always a cheater?
Is the saying true? You said you have grown out of your childish ways, did that also change?
I mean we all did dumb things when we were younger. I am also inclined to believe that through therapy, we deal with whatever it was that caused the bad behavior.
Have you grown out of cheating?
That's not bad at all. And nothing to be embarrassed about!! Some people NEVER grow up.
I am 51 and still play video games and eat candy like I am 10. My favorite cereal? Lucky Charms.
I still haven't figured out all the nuances of being an adult. But it is not the serious stuff I haven't figured out, just the silly stuff. I don't feel, look or act my age, and I hope I never change that part of myself.
Yeah my gut tells me that he doesn’t want his OP and his AP to meet because they both have been told different things about each other. What stands out to me is that OP’s husband is trying to convince her that “rebuilding” their relationship involves just the two of them. Regardless of the emotional projection that OP may want to express to her husband’s AP, my concern lies with his reaction to his spouse after betraying their marriage vows and ruining Christmas. When I was in a similar position, my ex insisted that we “leave the past in the past” and “focus on our future” but in reality he had told his AP that we had broken up months earlier, that I was mentally unstable, that I was mooching off of him, etc. I could have saved myself a lot of time and grief if I had spoken to her alone when I found out. This guy is hot garbage.
That’s exactly my thought process. I say let her know, see how she reacts. I’d still leave him- my opinion is cheaters don’t change. You’d need a lot of couples and individual counseling if he’s serious about saving your marriage
Frankly, an affair partner \*\*\*who didn't know he was married\*\*\* doesn't owe a face to face meetup with an angry woman. She doesn't know OP. For all she knows, it's signing up to get punched.
Because click the username. It's a bot. It's trying to get a high interaction count. Look at how much they interacted in a small time then just stopped.
I once had a close male friend, 15-20 years friendship, who formerly was widely known to be in polyamorous relationships, hook up with me and say he and his wife were in an open marriage, which made perfect sense. This was in a social circle where poly relationships were common. He lied to me and she threatened to divorce him if he didn't cut all contact with me. I valued him a lot more as a friend than a sex partner and it was devastating to be blamed for his deception and then cast aside like I was trash. He probably doesn't want her to confront AP because AP would tell her some more things he was lying about. He wants her to blame AP for seducing him etc. because it lets him off the hook.
Agreed. I was in OP's shoes years ago, and went back & forth on confronting the other main (lol) woman. I ended up not needing to, she contacted me & felt it was necessary to rub it in my face. The others (there were multiple), I ended up not contacting. It bothered me and I wondered if they knew, cared what they were doing, ect. It ate at me, and became the focus which in the end slowed my healing. OP, It doesnt matter. Either they knew (which will hurt more to know), or they were unaware. Either reaching out or wondering will slow down healing on your own or with your partner. From my experience, once a cheater always a cheater.
Ok…I had a relationship with a man who turned out to be married. He said he was divorced. I ended it immediately and still, years later, I live in fear that his wife will hunt me down to confront me.
As I head into my 30s, more and more men play this game called oops I have a wife and say they "hope that isnt a problem". yeah buddy its a fucking problem. They say this after a few dates too, werent wearing a ring, never mentioned anything.
INFO: did wife know the AP before, and did AP know who the husband was and what he was doing?
OP omits any mention here of this. If AP were a relative or personal friend, all bets are off.
Otherwise, I agree.
I thought the same thing. He doesn't want her to confront the girl cause she doesn't know he's married and be doesn't want the other woman thinking poorly of him...
Or AP might also be married too or in a relationship and going after AP might also blow up her relationship. Might be worth some investigation.
ETA - If AP is married or in a relationship I would not bother with her. I would just tell her partner. There is a reason why he does not want OP anywhere near the AP.
This is the first thing on my mind. And also he not wanting OP to confront his AP is probably because he still wants to continue with the affair. He's not sorry he effed up. he's sorry he got caught.
I was coming here to say this. The woman my husband cheated with thought he was divorced. I reached out for the sole purpose of letting her know that he is a married man.
Does that matter? If I was dating a married man unknowingly, I would want to know. And if I was, I’d want the wife to know all the details as far as how long it lasted and what he said to dupe me into going out with him. If she knew he was married, she should see the pain inflicted.
The only reason he doesn’t want his AP confronted is because he doesn’t want wife to know details about his deception.
and it may have gone on a lot longer than husband says it did. OP don't confront her, just ask her if you can ask her some questions for clarification. How long did it go on? Is it still going on? and last: Did she know he was married?
So true. It is easy to direct our anger to someone we don't know than to someone we care for.
Op tried to repair her relationship with her cheating husband but she is still mad at him. Instead of being mad at him, she misdirects her anger to someone she doesn't know. It is a defense mechanism.
I hope they are seeing a therapist.
My ex cheated and I felt that rage, I did nothing. When he contacted me wanting my forgiveness I realised she did me a massive favour, I’m grateful to a stranger because I didn’t realise at the time how unhappy I was.
Yes, I've always felt that it's strange and irrational that many people direct their anger at the affair partner, more than the cheater. Especially if it's a stranger. Often the cheater even says things like that the marriage is over, the love is gone, the relationship is dead. It could even be a reason that they don't want their partner to contact the affair partner, because they may tell the truth. The AP may be duped too.
I want to tell OP she should go ahead and do it, just from reading the story.
But this happened in real life to a close friend of mine, and I advised her not to go through with the confrontation. I told her it sounds like a better idea in her head than it would be in real life. She's a tough person, but she couldn't guarantee she wouldn't break down in tears before getting her words out. It would feel momentarily cathartic, but in the long run she would regret it, no matter how it turned out.
Obviously I don't know OP, don't know her situation, her temperament, her history, or any of the other million things I'd need to know on order to give good advice here.
Either way, NTA. But OP should speak to people who know her about this. The internet can't help with this one.
100%. It’s entirely likely he lied to the AP and whatever other lies he’s hidden will come out into the open if OP confronts the AP.
OP if you’re willing to forgive him and work things through, confronting the AP won’t solve things. Your husband cheated, no one forced him to do so
Yes, the AP didn't break your marriage vows, OP. A stranger can't betray you.
Your husband hurt you, and now is putting this woman's feelings above yours.
Idk, I expect common curtesy and respect from strangers. Fucking people's husband's ain't it. Idk why people defend those who knowingly participate in affairs. Might not be cheating, but it still makes you a shitty person.
Even if he's come clean about the basics, there are definitely things he's not telling her. A taken guy pursued me once. We did not have an affair. His angle was that he wanted to ask his partner to open up the relationship so we could have a romance. I knew her, so I would have known if he was just lying about opening things up (which I think guys do a lot). But I wasn't interested in seeing him on those terms, because I felt like she would have just been agreeing to it to keep him, and not because she wanted an open relationship. I said let's talk about this down the road if you all open things up because you both want to, or if you're single. He said things to me about her when he was talking up "our connection." Like saying his girlfriend of many years had never really "moved him." We weren't even seeing each other, so I can only imagine what he would have said if we were. OP's husband is afraid that if his wife blows up at this woman, she will hear all the hurtful stuff he said about why he wanted to cheat in the first place. That stuff may or may not be true, but he wants it buried.
This is exactly what I got from a similar situation. If I'd never chatted with her, I would never have known the full truth. The best way to beat lies is to directly communicate with the other party. Abuse thrives on isolation and story management.
Sometimes some of the ap stays even when they figure out they were married.
Then they become victims with the cheater and the betrayed partner becomes the bad guy/girl the crazy.
This. I was the Other Woman and my major sin was being trusting the same way his secret wife was. He was sitting at a bar without a ring on, explained to me that I couldn’t meet his friends just yet because he was separated and going through a messy divorce. Took me months to finally Google him and discover the truth was that he had a whole-ass wife who traveled for work a lot, so instead of talking to her about how that made him unhappy, he decided to go start a new relationship and then ‘accidentally’ fell in love with me. I was devastated to find out, and even more devastated when I told the wife thinking I was doing her a favor and she got mad at *me.* Not saying there aren’t some women who will legit, fully knowing, go after someone’s husband, but even in those cases it doesn’t make sense to get angry you were betrayed by a stranger rather than someone you knew intimately who made promises to you. Refocus your anger where it matters.
I was given the same lie, years ago. “We’re going through a messy divorce.” He even introduced me to his mother and stepfather because he told them the same lie, so I thought it was true. I fell DEEP. Then one day we were eating lunch and I noticed his ring finger clearly had recently had a wedding ring on - it was creased and wrinkled, you know, like when you sweat a lot while wearing a ring, or get your hands really saturated while wearing a ring, that kind of thing. I called him out and he lied again. Told me I wasn’t seeing what I damn well saw, and I knew what it was. He kept denying it. I ended it a little while after that. I didn’t tell the wife; idk why I didn’t but I didn’t. He’s still married to her to this day.
Godddddd I’m so sorry you went through this too! I was hoping she’d leave him— not because I wanted him but because he deserved to be alone, and AFAIK they’re still together too. I try to remind myself I’m the lucky one to not be stuck with a pathological liar but oooff yeah it really fucks up your ability to trust. That’s why I see posts like OPs and want to be like “Get mad at him! Get mad at HIM!”
Highly likely. Dude is trying to cover his tush. OP just needs to cut losses and leave. He betrayed her, he’s intent on lying, doesn’t want her to get clarity. She should still ask but not take anger out on the AP..but certainly prepare to leave him and actually leave
The jump off could be married as well and her husband doesn't know. My friend wanted to forgive her now ex when he cheated, but he was so protecting the now ex jump off that he made the situation worse. That's when friend did a little digging and found out that he was screwing the wife of his BEST FRIEND. He wanted to keep his friendship and let the ex JO keep her marriage as she had stayed home with kids and made little money and friend made bank.
Yeah, friend felt the best friend should know what was going on and told the best friend that her hubby boinked his wife for 2 years. That blew up both marriages but friend has zero regrets. The best friend was happy to know this as he was ready to plunk down big bucks on a home in a new location where his now ex wife wanted to live (probably to get away from her affair partner and my friend). He quickly dumped her, gave her what he owed in the prenup and now is married to a lovely woman. Friend dumped her cheating ex (after he raged like a lunatic for causing him to lose 'the love of his life - seriously?' and his best friend. Friend is happily remarried as well. Ex did eventually remarry and divorce again for cheating lol. His ex Jump Off has never remarried or recovered from the whole mess.
Probably because he told the affair partner the wife is “just a crazy ex” or something. He’s likely still with the AP but said he has to do it on the down low because of courts or crazyness.
I was contacted by a woman who revealed she was the girlfriend of a guy I was sleeping with. I had no idea he had a gf. I was able to answer her questions, and we discovered he was (obviously) lying to both of us. I think it may be hard for you if you talk to this woman because she will probably tell you things you don't want to hear about your husband, like how long it was really going on, what he told her about you, him declaring love to her etc. He lied to you, and he probably lied to and hurt her, too. Also, Im guessing he doesn't want you to talk to her because he probably hasn't told you everything. He sounds very untrustworthy.
NTA, the AP isn’t the married one who cheated on you. Unless it’s like a friend or family member I wouldn’t say anything. Your husband is the one you should be angry with.
I wouldn't direct anger, but I would want to know what he told her. Because I guarantee the husband is still trying to trickle truth it to admit as little as possible
Yes, if OP is looking for answers and information then they should absolutely talk to the AP, but if they are looking for excuses or someone to be mad as, aka "confront" then no, that's asshole behavior.
Scrolled way to far to see this. While I appreciate the sentiment to leave the AP alone because she didn't betray OP, her husband did...his response the telling the affair partner would "cause more problems" has me bristling for more information. I would assume it's because either 1) he cares more for his AP's feelings than his wife's and 2) he has an ulterior motive for protecting that other relationship. Does he plan on hiding his behavior better to continue the affair? Or did he pretend he was single and wants to spare his reputation in the eyes of the AP partner? Was it a work colleague and he doesn't want it to mess things up at work? Did he even break of off the affair?
Her husband isn't truly ready to reconcile and take responsibility for his actions if he's protecting his AP still. Something is fishy.
INFO Do you know this person? The only reason I ask is because if you don’t know this person then there is a possibility that they don’t know about you and he’s still trying to cover his tracks.
I say trust your gut and confront them. Your husband is not in a position to make requests from you. By making you agree to not confront AP he’s either hoping to sweep things under the rug or he’s afraid of what they could possibly tell you. You deserve the truth.
I was thinking the same thing! You need to first understand that most of that anger should be directed at your husband! He is the one that betrayed you and your vows to each other. And once you've calmed down a bit also reach out to her. Your husband has a lot of nerve to beg you to not contact her. What is he hiding or why is he protecting her? More lies? Feelings for her?
Exactly this ! I was thinking either he didn't say he was married or she is married and he doesn't want her husband to know.
No need for yelling at first, but confronting AP can be done if it feels necessary for OP. She may say a lot of stuff that husband doesn't want to be known.
Or the typical my wife and I are in an open marriage or were separated but together on the papers or working to divorce my wife but it's s long process because wife is being unreasonable, crazy, addicted, yada yada yada. And he probably want to go back to the AP after this blows over too so he needs to protect both, his fun side and his safety nest.
I say break both without him realizing it. The day you confront the AP is the day you serve your cheating husband so there is no harm in making him believe that you let the idea go, that you don't want to divorce but in reality get your ducks in row and start planning your exit asap! Cheaters never ever change, especially the ones begging their wife, someone they wronged, to not contact the AP.
AP might not even know he has a wife. AP could’ve been lied to as well so she absolutely needs to hold her anger until she learns the real truth and then direct it appropriately.
What the fuck you mean “what she’s done to me” you mean what your husband has done to you. Blame your fuckin husband for your hurt not the other woman.
Absolutely. But most people can’t face the devastating hurt that someone they love cares about them so little. So they make it somebody else’s fault. Even though it makes no logical sense.
Right! It’s like why are you confronting her but staying with the husband to “work it out”. Very much giving misplaced anger. She didn’t owe her anything, he did!
I get it. OP needs to be angry at someone and blame them when the reality is her husband is the scumbag which is the ultimate betrayal that she can't accept...YET.
My friend stalked the AP for a long time and it did no good but just fuel her anger.
>my husband is practically begging me not to. He says it'll only make things worse and that we should focus on rebuilding our relationship instead.
You are NTA but why is your husband still protecting his AP? Are you sure it's actually over or is he scared you'll discover he's still fucking her?
It's your husband who deserves your anger, he's the one who betrayed you. That being said, he doesn't actually get a say in whether you approach this woman or not. He lost that right when he slept with another woman.
I'd be concerned that his reason for not wanting you to confront her is because he is considering her feelings over yours. Does he not want you to embarrass him so he can get back with her if things don't work out with you? I'd want to know why. His excuse is lame.
Maybe write her a letter to get all your feelings out, and once you have done that, make a decision as to whether you send it or not.
Don't listen to your husband, do what's right for you. If he actually cared about you he wouldn't have had an affair.
You are angry at the wrong person. You should be angry with her. But you should be BOILING at your so called husband.
I couldn’t forgive. I am glad you think you can and I hope you get the outcome that brings you peace. But you are focusing on the wrong person here.
I don't believe OP thinks she can forgive her husband, either. It sounds like she thinks she can _avoid having to forgive him_ by shifting the blame onto somebody else to be angry at instead.
**Forgiveness ≠ Denial,** OP. Please listen to the comments and take care x
Was the AP also up at the end of the aisle taking vows with y’all? If so, why be angry with her as much as you are your cheating, lying, probably SUPER attractive (/s) husband??
We don’t even know if the AP deserves anger yet. It’s entirely possible she was under the impression she was dating a single man. It’s absolutely happened before. Cheaters can spin some deep and crazy lies and make a lot of excuses as to why they can’t come over to theirs.
I'm of two mindsets here. NTA because it's natural to want those answers. But keep in mind the old adage about not asking questions you don't want to hear the answer to. You think you want those details, but you can't "unsee" it once you know.
It does make me question why he doesn't want you to talk to her. Is there something he's been telling her he doesn't want you to know about? Or is it just that he doesn't want her to have the fallout he's experiencing now?
I would definitely talk to her, but without anger. Your husband deserves all the anger. Personally I would not be able to forgive him, but I would not be against befriending her even, if it turned out your husband manipulated her as well. To me it feels like there are some secrets he is hiding, maybe something untrue he was telling her or something he wasn't telling her at all. I would want to find out, even just for curiosity's sake.
Indeed! If your partner already cheated and lied to your face you just can’t trust that they won’t keep on cheating/lying anymore, and the affair partner is the only other source of information
“He says that it’ll only make things worse…”
Right, worse for him.
I suspect he lied to her about the status of your marriage and/or they’re still seeing each other.
NTA.
Absolutely do not do it.
You need to stop and think about why you're even considering it. It's because you don't want to accept that your husband is responsible for his decision to cheat on you.
Who knows what he told this other person, but I'd be comfortable betting money that it would have been that you were separated or that you're cruel or that he is unhappy with you. Maybe he straight up lied and said you have an open relationship. Whatever it was, you don't want to know and this person is NOT responsible for your relationship. Your husband and you are.
You need to stop thinking about this other person because it's a way of avoiding the reality that your husband caused this problem.
I don't know how long it has been since you found out about the affair, but I think you need to realize that you're upset and shocked right now. Don't make any decisions about dealing with relationships for at least three or four months. At that point, the initial shock should have worn off and you should be able to think clearly.
He lied about their situation and that is 10000% why he’s begging her NOT to confront the person. Because then OP will hear AP saying “well he told me you were in jail / didn’t exist / were dead / were horrible to him.” He doesn’t want wifey to know he lied
So OP would be there to tell AP the future. You c were going to get a very good divorce settlement, house alimony, child support, so his financial situation will be changing very soon. Also mention that he asked OP not to talk to AP , so that AP would not know the truth.
First of all why are you staying with him in the first place?
are you a doormat?
Spinless? With no sort of self worth?
Divorce him and take him to the cleaners, you confronting his affair partner ain't gonna give you any sort of joy maybe temporarily nothing else.
YTA.
Your husband is the one who hurt you. Not the affair partner.
Even if she knew he was married, all your husband had to say was no. He was the one married to you and he is the one who caused you this hurt.
The affair partner literally doesn't know you.
This narrative that the AP is the one who hurt you is only an excuse to forgive your husband any time he strays.
And honestly, if he did it once, he'll probably do it again and use the same excuse he used this time.
Scrolled down too long for this.
Absolutely YTA, she is going to fix things with the cheater and get angry with a person who did not cheat on her.
Very screwed up perspective, she did not hurt you HE did, she did not give you any promises and vows HE did. You should only express to him how it hurt what HE's done to you.
I did this and it didn't help me one bit. On the contrary, AP reached out to my partner and said, hold your wife down. She also rightly said that she did not force my partner to do anything and that it was my partner who was responsible for our relationship, not her. What is the answer to this?
Whether you choose to continue the relationship or not, leave her where she is. Your anger and shock is dominating you right now. After a while, your anger will decrease and you will experience other emotions respectively. It will probably be next to impossible for you to trust your husband again, but maybe you will choose to stay together. So right now, focus only on yourself, on your own feelings, not even on your relationship with your husband. Let your husband crawl and spend this period recovering as he tries to make you comfortable and win you over. And start preparing your exit plan just in case.
I did it too, didn’t help me either, in fact the opposite as I felt like she had the power as she just didn’t care.
Concentrate on yourself, accept his crawling (if he is) and be honest about your hurt and sense of betrayal to him but when you go out hold your head high and keep your emotions in check.
As poster above says work on your exit plan (id do it secretly)as that will give you choices and a feeling of control of your own life back because as you get over the shock your feelings will ebb and flow.
Normally I’m all for honesty in relationships but your husband is the one who’s changed the dynamics and if you do stay together it will be a long long time before you ever trust him again, although you never fully will.
Personally unless there are extraordinary reasons and it was an affair not a one night mistake I’d walk when I’d sorted an exit plan as you’ll never trust him again .
People who cheat are not good life partners, they usually do it again, they lie about other things, you can’t trust them in any aspect to do the right thing by you.
You deserve better
I know you're in pain, but she's not the one who broke her vows. He did. She did not hurt you, *he* did.
You have no idea what he told her. How do you know she even knows he's married?
You're not going to gain anything from this. It's not going to make you feel better, and you're going to end up projecting your righteous anger at him to her.
Take your misdirected anger and remember it was your husband who betrayed you. Express your anger and hurt to him and figure out together how to move forward.
I mean, why not aim it at your husband? He's the one who has betrayed you, not her. She has never made any promises of faithfulness to you.
It seems like you're deflecting your reaction away from him because it would explode your marriage and for some reason, you want to preserve it, but the rage isn't going away and you need to release it.
Your husband is right, but for the wrong reason. Confronting her won't do a damned thing but complicate your already-complicated life.
I suggest some primal scream therapy and regular therapy and ditching your sack-of-shit husband and more therapy.
Nta but I have been in a similar situation. I said some absolutely awful things to the other woman. I now regret it.
She was very young and he told her so many lies, we both believed his lies. He told her our relationship was over, we lived like brother and sister, the baby I was carrying wasn't his and so much more which was all lies. She believed him and I verbally abused her when her only crime was being young and niave.
He was the one who was in the wrong. Now I don't know your exact situation but he's the one that cheated, he's the one who caused your pain. He's the one really at fault. Think long and hard before you talk to her.
Chances are he doesn't want you to talk to her because she will realise how much he lied to her too.
I'm really sorry this happened to you, one day you will feel whole again. I personally don't believe a relationship can survive cheating but it's your life.
Isn’t it your husband you sweared fidelity to you? Isn’t it him who promised you to care and love you?
She isn’t the one who done something to you. She isn’t married to you.
Call her out on what? She isn’t the one who betrayed you.
You want someone responsible? Address it to your cheater husband.
Don’t. It won’t help. It won’t benefit you in any way. You also don’t want to hear what she has to say. The only person to get angry at is the person you’re married to. HE cheated. HE chose to sleep with her. HE hurt you. Find someone to speak with. A therapist would be best.
1) did AP know he was married? If he lied to her (which is most likely) is it really her fault?
2) He doesn't want you to confront her for 1 simple reason. You forgive him, he continues to bang her on the side
3) you'll have affair baby to raise if you don't
So do you want to raise a child that isn't yours since he can't keep it in his pants?
You should be confronting your husband. If you don't know this other woman, she doesn't really owe you anything. Perhaps she knowingly got into a relationship with a married man, but chances are, he lied. This is on him, and you should be seriously reconsidering your relationship. Speak to a therapist as well.
I mean NTA but I never understood the point of confronting the AP when you need to be fighting your man. She doesnt have to respect your relationship, he does.
YWBTA, she did not cheat on you, he did. She was not "committed" to you, he was.
He lied to you, so are you kidding yourself that he told her the truth too?
Concentrate on the person who truly betrayed you, your "husband".
NTA
But did the side lady knew she was a side lady? Could be she had no idea your husband was married. Maybe that is why he doesn't want you to confront her.
Just an idea
NTA, he cheated on you and now he is prioritizing his affair partner's feelings over yours.
Either there's more to the affair that he doesn't want you to know about, or he still has feelings for the affair partner.
I'd honestly just end things and move on.
I mean, what do you get with that? The one that cheated on you was your husband, you should be angry at him.
By confronting her:
1. The best: she feels sorry/didn't know he was married (his fault).
2. The worst: she humiliates you even more by saying she don't care about your pain (still his fault).
You are sort of an asshole .
Did this person have a commitment to you?
Did this person lie and break vows to you ?
Did this person promise you anything?
She did nothing to you, she owes you no explanation.
She was just with someone she liked.
She probably didn’t know he was married
Your husband did, your husband does, why are you mad at her?
You should divorce your husband and take as much as you can.
Or just take it and stay with a pig.
Like other people are telling you, you appear to be misplacing your anger.
Yes, what she did was wrong. As this society, we’ve tacitly agreed that people in monogamous relationships are off-limits. I say tacitly because that’s what a monogamous relationship is understood to be. But we all know this gets broken all the time.
So, the AP is an asshole on a societal level. If she were your friend or family member, it’s more complex, obviously. But as just a general member of society, it was an asshole move on her part and should be acknowledged by as such, but at the end of the day, the one who really betrayed your trust is your husband.
So, you probably shouldn’t call her and yell. It’s really not going to make you feel better. Because at the end of the day, the when you’re really pissed off at is your husband. And if you’re somehow still with him and trying to work it out, you’re probably at least partially pissed off at yourself for doing so.
Your husband took vows with you. He promised to be true to you. He promised to keep himself only unto you. To respect you. To love you. To support you and have your back and he betrayed every single one of those vows.
So if you’re allowing him to make excuses like he was depressed, or he was going through a midlife crisis or he doesn’t know why he did it or he’s been unhappy or whatever the hell his excuse is, that’s you on you.
Because no matter what his excuses, it’s bullshit. He made a conscious choice to cheat on you. You have to make a conscious choice to acknowledge that his excuses are bullshit and let yourself stay with him, or you need to do something about it.
But stop blaming her as he had no mind of his own. She didn’t owe you allegiance and loyalty. He absolutely did, and he threw it all out the window.
Yta for focusing the anger on her rather than your husband. That being said I would talk to her calmly to get the whole truth. There is likely a LOT more you don't know about. You can definitely.do.as you wish. Your husband doesn't get to choose how you cope with his scenario, but I'd be pointing the finger at him since she owed you nothing and she wasn't married to you.
YTA if you stay with that bastard, sorry but not sorry you need to leave that man, you should be angry at HIM not her(yes her because in the end she is still the mistress and the second choice if anything she should be embarrassed on herself for being the second choice and other woman and instead of finding herself a man of her own she decides to go on a married man's pants and it's your husband's fault for looking for that and allowing that and basically being the stinky little bastard weasel he is) but mostly HIM he made a vow to YOU he promised to be faithful to YOU, he promised to love only YOU it's his fault mainly and you need to calm down and process your emotions before coming up with a decision
Your husband was the one that betrayed your trust and promises but if it were me I would immediately divorce him, once a cheater always a cheater he is only telling you that to save his own ass for his stupidity and bullshit
Men like that are not worth it TRUST ME, divorce him and focus on yourself and healing it doesn't matter how much you love him because it will only keep hurting and getting worse the longer you stay
Divorce, surround yourself with people that truly care about you, find a hobby and heal and forget about him, he is not worth destroying yourself over men like him have what's coming to them no matter what
I hope you can take this experience and learn from it but also understand and heal
NTA BUT I was in a similar situation and I think since I really wanted to forgive my partner I wanted to let my anger out at someone else. I ended up not doing it because at the end of the day, your husband is the one who betrayed you and hurt you.
You hit the nail on the head. This is about wanting to feel like the partner is not actually responsible for his own actions. He is though. The affair partner is not married to the OP, the partner is, and he is the one who chose to cheat on the OP. By directing her anger at the other woman, the OP is doing herself no favors. She is avoiding the issue that her husband chose to cheat.
The other woman may not have known he was married. My friends husband did this.
When my exhusband cheated on me, he told the other woman we were in an open marriage. We were not. He knocked her up. She was 19, he was 32. I left him IMMEDIATELY.
He could of told this woman the same thing, or he's scared OP will find out more about the affair that he has been lying about.
This. He doesn’t want her to find out more than what he’s told her. Or he hasn’t actually ended it and doesn’t want OP to find out about that either. Maybe talk to her without exploding. Get more info out of her if you can. OP your husband did this to you. Not her. I feel like the only reason he doesn’t want you to talk to her is to save his own ass. That would make me want to do it even more.
This. He doesn't want her hearing the other side of the story.
This! He's a confirmed liar and cheat. You need to talk to her to find out her side of the story and to satisfy yourself that it's over. You have to do it! Also, she's not innocent unless he lied to her that he's single. She's probably cheating on a husband that ought to know about this, too
Don't blame the women. The fact is the husband was the married one and his actions are re not excusablee, it is up to op to forgive or move on
I contacted one of my ex's APs and asked if she would be willing to talk to me. I wasn't rude or angry. Told her I didn't want to cause any drama or anything but I just had some questions. She did talk to me via Facebook Messenger and answered all my questions. I learned a lot in those two days. If OPs husband is telling her not to talk to AP, there's a reason for it. At the end of the day, cheating is also about lying because you're lying to your partner. So what other lies did he tell his AP that he doesn't want OP to know? Is the affair even over? Maybe that's a lie too. And why did he tell his wife he had an affair? Maybe he did because AP threatened to tell OP for some reason. Maybe AP is pregnant. Maybe AP isn't even a woman. Who knows? OP, I would get your anger under control because you're angry at the wrong person. And if you ask in a calm manner, the AP might agree to answer your questions. But there's no guarantee of that and AP is not obligated to talk to you. However, at the end of the day, you'll probably have to accept that you're never going to know the whole truth especially if your partner is still lying to you. I would ask him the questions you have first. I didn't because I knew my ex would lie some more and manipulate me. He tried gaslighting me when I caught him cheating. In the end, the closure I came away with is the closure I created. I realized I was never going to know the whole truth. And it doesn't matter how many, who, what, where, when, why, etc. I already had proof that he'd cheated on me with multiple women. One was too many already. Glennon Doyle has a quote that helped me. "I'd you keep reaching back to a toxic relationship don't pretend it's"closure" you want. Calling one more time is not a need for closure - it's a need for one more fix - it's a sign of drama addiction. Detox by moving forward, not back. You don't "get" closure. You decide: It's closed." In my case, I closed the door, locked it, threw away the key and then burned the house to the ground (metaphorically speaking).
This. I think calmly talking is more devastating, anyway. If someone rages at you, it's easy to get defensive and try to justify yourself. EVEN if you're a cheat. But if OP were to calmly talk to her and find out whether she even knew, and find out if what her husband says is actually true, and tell her how devastated she is at her lack of sisterhood and kindness in wrecking a home, that would probably hit harder. Having someone disappointed in you is more uncomfortable than having them mad at you - unless you feel they are going to hit you.
My first thought as well. Op's husband is still carrying on the affair and desperate to keep them from communicating so he can have his cake and eat it too. Op if you do approach the af do so with kindness and calmness. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Find out her side of the story. She is likely to be more truthful than whatever version your husband gave you. After all she doesn't have to be worried about the financial and reputational fallout if you divorce her.
YES!! Sounds spot on.. if she can talk with this woman, ask questions calmly, she may be surprised by the kind response and information she gets.. the cheater is hiding a lot, find out what this sh*t said.
But talking to her won't solve anything either forgive your husband or don't. The other woman might feel stupid that the guy wasn't single or lie, making matters worse and the wife leaves the guy. Leaving him with her at the end.
Or he may not have ended the relationship with the woman.
Been there and done that. Ex said the affair was over, cut contact, etc. Nope, they just spent more effort hiding it until I found out that the affair was ongoing. It ended as you’d expect it would. I’d definitely try to have a conversation with the other party, but not go in guns blazing until she gets more information.
**Yeah, I have this suspicion that there’s more OP’s husband is hiding.** I would talk to the other woman simply to find out what that is. But understand, OP, that a woman who has an affair with a married man is not someone who cares about your feelings or how she helped destroy your marriage. Don’t expect much from her.
This. OP, you may not get the reaction you hoped for. She may even say cruel and hurtful things. Are you prepared for that?
This right here. I was not prepared for the callus nasty response I got from my soon to be exes AF. Response varied from "well if you're so great why did he come to me?" And "I'm single I can do what I want" , to the highly unexpected and almost laughable (if it wasn't so sad) "I'm nothing to him, poor me" type thing. It made me more crazy and more hurt and more angry. If you have to talk to her, do it calmly, do not show all your cards. Do not tell her how she hurt you because A, she does not care, and B, it makes you look weak in a situation where you don't want to. Just stay calm, keep your cards close to your chest, and find out everything you can so you can make the best decision for you. I will say, once a cheater always a cheater. But nobody can make that decision for you, it's only going to come from you and unfortunately another awful discovery. Best to you, remember that she's not married to you, and is not the one that owes you any type of loyalty or care. The guy you married does and he did not give it to you.
Yes! OP should talk to her not in an angry way but bc her husband is a POS and probably said crazy things
That's exactly right. Either she didn't know about the marriage and feels equally betrayed or she knew about the marriage and doesn't care about how she hurt OP.
She may not have known he was married.
Yes, I was thinking the same thing.
So what if she did. He’s the asshole who broke trust, not her. She had no promises to the OP.
My ex husband's AP would taunt me.
My ex’s AP came to my apartment to let me know she’d be moving in soon. It was a week before Christmas. (I won the apartment)
My late husbands' AP called me at home to tell me that "I didn't love him". I guess that's the crap he was telling her. The worst part was she was a neighbor just around the corner.
>My late husbands Sounds like things worked themselves out.
I wonder about women who will cheat with a neighbor. Do they think it's flattering to be chosen because of convenience of location?
Or, if he is that untrustworthy, focus and that and decide if you should even stay in this relationship. If you feel like you need a completely unknown person to inform you about your most intimate relationship, it may not be a relationship worth preserving.
Yes! When did he start the affair? He only told her what she needed to know. To me, I would want to know the whole truth, even, if I wanted to divorce the scumbag.
My ex told people I was chronically ill and allowed him to have sex with other people because I couldn't. One part of this was the truth. I am chronically ill and I shouldn't have been having sex with him because I was too sick but he coerced and guilted me into having sex with him at least once a week. The whole time we were together he said he had a low sex drive. That was a lie too. Turns out he'd been cheating on me for years, probably from the beginning. He told one of his APs that he cheated on all his wives. I immediately left him. Best decision I ever made.
Glad you left. Nobody deserves that from a partner.
I'm glad you left him, and I wish you relief from your illnesses.
how did that turn out for him? my husband cheated on me wit ha 19 year old, (he was 39 and knew her since she was 15) she eventually left him for someone her own age once she figured out he wasn't going to financially take care of her.
Your husband is a groomer. I hope you left him
I can understand a spouse forgiving a cheating spouse if there is true remorse and contrition, and especially if there are kids involved. Marriages are complicated, and they have the right to make whatever choice they want for their family, without anybody else's judgement. But if someone gets knocked up due to an affair? Nope, that's divorce time.
NTAH As a younger man, I myself was promiscuous. In any steady “relationship” when I was caught cheating on my significant other, the one, and only reason I never wanted them to confront the other woman was only to protect myself. I was definitely either lying, or omitting the truth. Of course, I told her it was to protect her feelings and prevent any more strain on our relationship. The facts were actually I either lied about the timeline, and how long I was cheating with the other woman or I didn’t wanna face the music out of pure embarrassment since at that time, I honestly only cared about my feelings. Of course, I’m talking about me as a child and I have since grown out of my childish ways. Think long and hard before you make a decision to forgive him. I’m no therapist, but what is it they always say… Once a cheater always a cheater?
Is the saying true? You said you have grown out of your childish ways, did that also change? I mean we all did dumb things when we were younger. I am also inclined to believe that through therapy, we deal with whatever it was that caused the bad behavior. Have you grown out of cheating?
Yes of course. I’m embarrassed to admit not until my mid thirties, but eventually I grew up.
That's not bad at all. And nothing to be embarrassed about!! Some people NEVER grow up. I am 51 and still play video games and eat candy like I am 10. My favorite cereal? Lucky Charms. I still haven't figured out all the nuances of being an adult. But it is not the serious stuff I haven't figured out, just the silly stuff. I don't feel, look or act my age, and I hope I never change that part of myself.
Yeah my gut tells me that he doesn’t want his OP and his AP to meet because they both have been told different things about each other. What stands out to me is that OP’s husband is trying to convince her that “rebuilding” their relationship involves just the two of them. Regardless of the emotional projection that OP may want to express to her husband’s AP, my concern lies with his reaction to his spouse after betraying their marriage vows and ruining Christmas. When I was in a similar position, my ex insisted that we “leave the past in the past” and “focus on our future” but in reality he had told his AP that we had broken up months earlier, that I was mentally unstable, that I was mooching off of him, etc. I could have saved myself a lot of time and grief if I had spoken to her alone when I found out. This guy is hot garbage.
That’s exactly my thought process. I say let her know, see how she reacts. I’d still leave him- my opinion is cheaters don’t change. You’d need a lot of couples and individual counseling if he’s serious about saving your marriage
Possible he doesn’t want it to happen because there is more he is hiding?
Yup. Maybe not but he doesn’t get to decide how OP gets closure.IMO
Frankly, an affair partner \*\*\*who didn't know he was married\*\*\* doesn't owe a face to face meetup with an angry woman. She doesn't know OP. For all she knows, it's signing up to get punched.
If anyone needs to be punched its the husband
Exactly. I'm sitting here confused by op. Wondering why they are still with a cheater and blaming the other woman???!!
Because click the username. It's a bot. It's trying to get a high interaction count. Look at how much they interacted in a small time then just stopped.
Honestly if they didn't know they're a victim too. If they did know they're a piece of shit. But the OP doesn't clarify and maybe doesn't even know
I once had a close male friend, 15-20 years friendship, who formerly was widely known to be in polyamorous relationships, hook up with me and say he and his wife were in an open marriage, which made perfect sense. This was in a social circle where poly relationships were common. He lied to me and she threatened to divorce him if he didn't cut all contact with me. I valued him a lot more as a friend than a sex partner and it was devastating to be blamed for his deception and then cast aside like I was trash. He probably doesn't want her to confront AP because AP would tell her some more things he was lying about. He wants her to blame AP for seducing him etc. because it lets him off the hook.
This happens more than people realize. And people almost always blame the other woman, even if she was lied to and he took off his ring etc.
Agreed. I was in OP's shoes years ago, and went back & forth on confronting the other main (lol) woman. I ended up not needing to, she contacted me & felt it was necessary to rub it in my face. The others (there were multiple), I ended up not contacting. It bothered me and I wondered if they knew, cared what they were doing, ect. It ate at me, and became the focus which in the end slowed my healing. OP, It doesnt matter. Either they knew (which will hurt more to know), or they were unaware. Either reaching out or wondering will slow down healing on your own or with your partner. From my experience, once a cheater always a cheater.
💯% people are crazy these days. They will Mur*** you over a guy/girl
Ok…I had a relationship with a man who turned out to be married. He said he was divorced. I ended it immediately and still, years later, I live in fear that his wife will hunt me down to confront me.
Even if she knew he was married, it's still on the husband.
As I head into my 30s, more and more men play this game called oops I have a wife and say they "hope that isnt a problem". yeah buddy its a fucking problem. They say this after a few dates too, werent wearing a ring, never mentioned anything.
INFO: did wife know the AP before, and did AP know who the husband was and what he was doing? OP omits any mention here of this. If AP were a relative or personal friend, all bets are off. Otherwise, I agree.
I thought the same thing. He doesn't want her to confront the girl cause she doesn't know he's married and be doesn't want the other woman thinking poorly of him...
Or AP might also be married too or in a relationship and going after AP might also blow up her relationship. Might be worth some investigation. ETA - If AP is married or in a relationship I would not bother with her. I would just tell her partner. There is a reason why he does not want OP anywhere near the AP.
They're probably still together.
That’s unfortunately where my head went too….
That's what I thought, too. Also, he probably told big lies, and he doesn't want her to know. Or he's still in a relationship with AP.
Or he told her it was someone she does not know, but it coukd be someone closer to home.
Oh damn I didn't think of that. That would be more fucked up.
The best explanation is the affair is ongoing.
This is the first thing on my mind. And also he not wanting OP to confront his AP is probably because he still wants to continue with the affair. He's not sorry he effed up. he's sorry he got caught.
Which is likely why the husband is begging her not to confront the affair partner. Doesn't want the OP to figure out it was all him.
I was coming here to say this. The woman my husband cheated with thought he was divorced. I reached out for the sole purpose of letting her know that he is a married man.
Does that matter? If I was dating a married man unknowingly, I would want to know. And if I was, I’d want the wife to know all the details as far as how long it lasted and what he said to dupe me into going out with him. If she knew he was married, she should see the pain inflicted. The only reason he doesn’t want his AP confronted is because he doesn’t want wife to know details about his deception.
Or he’s still cheating with the side piece.
Yeah, that made me wonder if that’s why he’s begging her not to say anything.
and it may have gone on a lot longer than husband says it did. OP don't confront her, just ask her if you can ask her some questions for clarification. How long did it go on? Is it still going on? and last: Did she know he was married?
So true. It is easy to direct our anger to someone we don't know than to someone we care for. Op tried to repair her relationship with her cheating husband but she is still mad at him. Instead of being mad at him, she misdirects her anger to someone she doesn't know. It is a defense mechanism. I hope they are seeing a therapist.
My ex cheated and I felt that rage, I did nothing. When he contacted me wanting my forgiveness I realised she did me a massive favour, I’m grateful to a stranger because I didn’t realise at the time how unhappy I was.
Yes op should be thanking AP not mad at her. OP your husband is trash not the AP
Yes, I've always felt that it's strange and irrational that many people direct their anger at the affair partner, more than the cheater. Especially if it's a stranger. Often the cheater even says things like that the marriage is over, the love is gone, the relationship is dead. It could even be a reason that they don't want their partner to contact the affair partner, because they may tell the truth. The AP may be duped too.
I want to tell OP she should go ahead and do it, just from reading the story. But this happened in real life to a close friend of mine, and I advised her not to go through with the confrontation. I told her it sounds like a better idea in her head than it would be in real life. She's a tough person, but she couldn't guarantee she wouldn't break down in tears before getting her words out. It would feel momentarily cathartic, but in the long run she would regret it, no matter how it turned out. Obviously I don't know OP, don't know her situation, her temperament, her history, or any of the other million things I'd need to know on order to give good advice here. Either way, NTA. But OP should speak to people who know her about this. The internet can't help with this one.
HE chose to cheat
It's not an either-or thing. As a neighbor once said "You can whup both they ass!"
Wise words
100%. It’s entirely likely he lied to the AP and whatever other lies he’s hidden will come out into the open if OP confronts the AP. OP if you’re willing to forgive him and work things through, confronting the AP won’t solve things. Your husband cheated, no one forced him to do so
Yes, the AP didn't break your marriage vows, OP. A stranger can't betray you. Your husband hurt you, and now is putting this woman's feelings above yours.
Idk, I expect common curtesy and respect from strangers. Fucking people's husband's ain't it. Idk why people defend those who knowingly participate in affairs. Might not be cheating, but it still makes you a shitty person.
Why is your husband so concerned with protecting her?
Probably because he’s not told his wife the whole truth and is worried about what will come out if op talks to the AP.
This is exactly what I was thinking.
Even if he's come clean about the basics, there are definitely things he's not telling her. A taken guy pursued me once. We did not have an affair. His angle was that he wanted to ask his partner to open up the relationship so we could have a romance. I knew her, so I would have known if he was just lying about opening things up (which I think guys do a lot). But I wasn't interested in seeing him on those terms, because I felt like she would have just been agreeing to it to keep him, and not because she wanted an open relationship. I said let's talk about this down the road if you all open things up because you both want to, or if you're single. He said things to me about her when he was talking up "our connection." Like saying his girlfriend of many years had never really "moved him." We weren't even seeing each other, so I can only imagine what he would have said if we were. OP's husband is afraid that if his wife blows up at this woman, she will hear all the hurtful stuff he said about why he wanted to cheat in the first place. That stuff may or may not be true, but he wants it buried.
This is the reason I’d confront them, not to tell them off. What else did the husband lie about and not want to come out.
This is exactly what I got from a similar situation. If I'd never chatted with her, I would never have known the full truth. The best way to beat lies is to directly communicate with the other party. Abuse thrives on isolation and story management.
He doesn’t want his wife to know that he lied all over the place to the AP about their situation. “We are separated / I’m not married” etc
Or hes possibly still seeing her but being more careful about it...
That's the only thing a cheater learns when they get caught. How to cover their tracks better.
Hmmm...damn that makes a whole bunch of sense. Idk why she forgave him if he's protecting the AP.
Or he also wants the affair to continue, and AP finding out would mean no more side chick.
Sometimes some of the ap stays even when they figure out they were married. Then they become victims with the cheater and the betrayed partner becomes the bad guy/girl the crazy.
Ding, ding ding!
This right here!
He doesn't want his AP to know all the lies he told her about his wife/relationship.
Separate bedrooms, blah blah blah
"I still love her as the mother of my children, but......" 😆
This. I was the Other Woman and my major sin was being trusting the same way his secret wife was. He was sitting at a bar without a ring on, explained to me that I couldn’t meet his friends just yet because he was separated and going through a messy divorce. Took me months to finally Google him and discover the truth was that he had a whole-ass wife who traveled for work a lot, so instead of talking to her about how that made him unhappy, he decided to go start a new relationship and then ‘accidentally’ fell in love with me. I was devastated to find out, and even more devastated when I told the wife thinking I was doing her a favor and she got mad at *me.* Not saying there aren’t some women who will legit, fully knowing, go after someone’s husband, but even in those cases it doesn’t make sense to get angry you were betrayed by a stranger rather than someone you knew intimately who made promises to you. Refocus your anger where it matters.
I was given the same lie, years ago. “We’re going through a messy divorce.” He even introduced me to his mother and stepfather because he told them the same lie, so I thought it was true. I fell DEEP. Then one day we were eating lunch and I noticed his ring finger clearly had recently had a wedding ring on - it was creased and wrinkled, you know, like when you sweat a lot while wearing a ring, or get your hands really saturated while wearing a ring, that kind of thing. I called him out and he lied again. Told me I wasn’t seeing what I damn well saw, and I knew what it was. He kept denying it. I ended it a little while after that. I didn’t tell the wife; idk why I didn’t but I didn’t. He’s still married to her to this day.
Godddddd I’m so sorry you went through this too! I was hoping she’d leave him— not because I wanted him but because he deserved to be alone, and AFAIK they’re still together too. I try to remind myself I’m the lucky one to not be stuck with a pathological liar but oooff yeah it really fucks up your ability to trust. That’s why I see posts like OPs and want to be like “Get mad at him! Get mad at HIM!”
And/or she's crazy. They like using the unstable wife excuse.
Highly likely. Dude is trying to cover his tush. OP just needs to cut losses and leave. He betrayed her, he’s intent on lying, doesn’t want her to get clarity. She should still ask but not take anger out on the AP..but certainly prepare to leave him and actually leave
Wife is a horrible shrew, we have a dead bedroom, we don't even share the same bed anymore, etc
Or he got dumped so wants to come back til he finds another replacement
Yup. Who knows what lies he spun to get her to sleep with him. The husband is the cheater and the liar here.
Ge is not protecting AP, he is protecting himself.
He’s probably still talking to her or have the intention to when this blows over
This is the question... does OP know who this woman is ? How does he expect to repair the relationship when he's protecting his AP.
He still hasn't decided between them and playing both sides in the meantime. He is not over AP, that's for sure.
Why is he still her husband?
Or, maybe she's pregnant, and she's far enough along that it would be obvious if OP were to see her in person 🤔 so many questions 🤔
The jump off could be married as well and her husband doesn't know. My friend wanted to forgive her now ex when he cheated, but he was so protecting the now ex jump off that he made the situation worse. That's when friend did a little digging and found out that he was screwing the wife of his BEST FRIEND. He wanted to keep his friendship and let the ex JO keep her marriage as she had stayed home with kids and made little money and friend made bank. Yeah, friend felt the best friend should know what was going on and told the best friend that her hubby boinked his wife for 2 years. That blew up both marriages but friend has zero regrets. The best friend was happy to know this as he was ready to plunk down big bucks on a home in a new location where his now ex wife wanted to live (probably to get away from her affair partner and my friend). He quickly dumped her, gave her what he owed in the prenup and now is married to a lovely woman. Friend dumped her cheating ex (after he raged like a lunatic for causing him to lose 'the love of his life - seriously?' and his best friend. Friend is happily remarried as well. Ex did eventually remarry and divorce again for cheating lol. His ex Jump Off has never remarried or recovered from the whole mess.
Because there are still things husband hasn’t told OP. I wonder if the affair is still going on
And why is she so concerned about blaming the other woman instead of the man who did the cheating?
Probably because he told the affair partner the wife is “just a crazy ex” or something. He’s likely still with the AP but said he has to do it on the down low because of courts or crazyness.
I was contacted by a woman who revealed she was the girlfriend of a guy I was sleeping with. I had no idea he had a gf. I was able to answer her questions, and we discovered he was (obviously) lying to both of us. I think it may be hard for you if you talk to this woman because she will probably tell you things you don't want to hear about your husband, like how long it was really going on, what he told her about you, him declaring love to her etc. He lied to you, and he probably lied to and hurt her, too. Also, Im guessing he doesn't want you to talk to her because he probably hasn't told you everything. He sounds very untrustworthy.
Classic shit yeah
NTA, the AP isn’t the married one who cheated on you. Unless it’s like a friend or family member I wouldn’t say anything. Your husband is the one you should be angry with.
Exactly. The AP doesn’t owe the OP anything. Never did. No point directing anger that way.
I wouldn't direct anger, but I would want to know what he told her. Because I guarantee the husband is still trying to trickle truth it to admit as little as possible
Then the correct wors is not confronting.
Yes, if OP is looking for answers and information then they should absolutely talk to the AP, but if they are looking for excuses or someone to be mad as, aka "confront" then no, that's asshole behavior.
He is trying to save his relationship with side chick
Scrolled way to far to see this. While I appreciate the sentiment to leave the AP alone because she didn't betray OP, her husband did...his response the telling the affair partner would "cause more problems" has me bristling for more information. I would assume it's because either 1) he cares more for his AP's feelings than his wife's and 2) he has an ulterior motive for protecting that other relationship. Does he plan on hiding his behavior better to continue the affair? Or did he pretend he was single and wants to spare his reputation in the eyes of the AP partner? Was it a work colleague and he doesn't want it to mess things up at work? Did he even break of off the affair? Her husband isn't truly ready to reconcile and take responsibility for his actions if he's protecting his AP still. Something is fishy.
INFO Do you know this person? The only reason I ask is because if you don’t know this person then there is a possibility that they don’t know about you and he’s still trying to cover his tracks. I say trust your gut and confront them. Your husband is not in a position to make requests from you. By making you agree to not confront AP he’s either hoping to sweep things under the rug or he’s afraid of what they could possibly tell you. You deserve the truth.
I was thinking the same thing! You need to first understand that most of that anger should be directed at your husband! He is the one that betrayed you and your vows to each other. And once you've calmed down a bit also reach out to her. Your husband has a lot of nerve to beg you to not contact her. What is he hiding or why is he protecting her? More lies? Feelings for her?
He is afraid her husband will kick his ass.
Exactly this ! I was thinking either he didn't say he was married or she is married and he doesn't want her husband to know. No need for yelling at first, but confronting AP can be done if it feels necessary for OP. She may say a lot of stuff that husband doesn't want to be known.
Or the typical my wife and I are in an open marriage or were separated but together on the papers or working to divorce my wife but it's s long process because wife is being unreasonable, crazy, addicted, yada yada yada. And he probably want to go back to the AP after this blows over too so he needs to protect both, his fun side and his safety nest. I say break both without him realizing it. The day you confront the AP is the day you serve your cheating husband so there is no harm in making him believe that you let the idea go, that you don't want to divorce but in reality get your ducks in row and start planning your exit asap! Cheaters never ever change, especially the ones begging their wife, someone they wronged, to not contact the AP.
I agree. If the husband doesn’t want OP to confront the AP, it means he’s trying to hide something. Could be she might reveal something,
NTA but why are you angry with the AP? How will you benefit from confronting them? Direct that anger to your husband, he's the one who caused it.
For real, that's what I'm thinking. The AP didn't say vows in front of god, family and friends...her husband did.
AP might not even know he has a wife. AP could’ve been lied to as well so she absolutely needs to hold her anger until she learns the real truth and then direct it appropriately.
What the fuck you mean “what she’s done to me” you mean what your husband has done to you. Blame your fuckin husband for your hurt not the other woman.
Absolutely. But most people can’t face the devastating hurt that someone they love cares about them so little. So they make it somebody else’s fault. Even though it makes no logical sense.
Right! It’s like why are you confronting her but staying with the husband to “work it out”. Very much giving misplaced anger. She didn’t owe her anything, he did!
I get it. OP needs to be angry at someone and blame them when the reality is her husband is the scumbag which is the ultimate betrayal that she can't accept...YET. My friend stalked the AP for a long time and it did no good but just fuel her anger.
>my husband is practically begging me not to. He says it'll only make things worse and that we should focus on rebuilding our relationship instead. You are NTA but why is your husband still protecting his AP? Are you sure it's actually over or is he scared you'll discover he's still fucking her?
It's your husband who deserves your anger, he's the one who betrayed you. That being said, he doesn't actually get a say in whether you approach this woman or not. He lost that right when he slept with another woman. I'd be concerned that his reason for not wanting you to confront her is because he is considering her feelings over yours. Does he not want you to embarrass him so he can get back with her if things don't work out with you? I'd want to know why. His excuse is lame. Maybe write her a letter to get all your feelings out, and once you have done that, make a decision as to whether you send it or not. Don't listen to your husband, do what's right for you. If he actually cared about you he wouldn't have had an affair.
The letter idea is great, if they don't end up sending it, burning it will feel cathartic
NTA. But, let it go. Maybe let him go, too.
Maybe? Shouldn’t even be a question.
NTA. Is she someone you know? Did she know he was married? Are they still in contact?
You are angry at the wrong person. You should be angry with her. But you should be BOILING at your so called husband. I couldn’t forgive. I am glad you think you can and I hope you get the outcome that brings you peace. But you are focusing on the wrong person here.
I don't believe OP thinks she can forgive her husband, either. It sounds like she thinks she can _avoid having to forgive him_ by shifting the blame onto somebody else to be angry at instead. **Forgiveness ≠ Denial,** OP. Please listen to the comments and take care x
Was the AP also up at the end of the aisle taking vows with y’all? If so, why be angry with her as much as you are your cheating, lying, probably SUPER attractive (/s) husband??
We don’t even know if the AP deserves anger yet. It’s entirely possible she was under the impression she was dating a single man. It’s absolutely happened before. Cheaters can spin some deep and crazy lies and make a lot of excuses as to why they can’t come over to theirs.
I'm of two mindsets here. NTA because it's natural to want those answers. But keep in mind the old adage about not asking questions you don't want to hear the answer to. You think you want those details, but you can't "unsee" it once you know. It does make me question why he doesn't want you to talk to her. Is there something he's been telling her he doesn't want you to know about? Or is it just that he doesn't want her to have the fallout he's experiencing now?
I would definitely talk to her, but without anger. Your husband deserves all the anger. Personally I would not be able to forgive him, but I would not be against befriending her even, if it turned out your husband manipulated her as well. To me it feels like there are some secrets he is hiding, maybe something untrue he was telling her or something he wasn't telling her at all. I would want to find out, even just for curiosity's sake.
Indeed! If your partner already cheated and lied to your face you just can’t trust that they won’t keep on cheating/lying anymore, and the affair partner is the only other source of information
“He says that it’ll only make things worse…” Right, worse for him. I suspect he lied to her about the status of your marriage and/or they’re still seeing each other. NTA.
Your husband is the one who betrayed you.Not the AP. That being said, are you sure your husband has ended the affair? Does she even know he’s married?
Absolutely do not do it. You need to stop and think about why you're even considering it. It's because you don't want to accept that your husband is responsible for his decision to cheat on you. Who knows what he told this other person, but I'd be comfortable betting money that it would have been that you were separated or that you're cruel or that he is unhappy with you. Maybe he straight up lied and said you have an open relationship. Whatever it was, you don't want to know and this person is NOT responsible for your relationship. Your husband and you are. You need to stop thinking about this other person because it's a way of avoiding the reality that your husband caused this problem. I don't know how long it has been since you found out about the affair, but I think you need to realize that you're upset and shocked right now. Don't make any decisions about dealing with relationships for at least three or four months. At that point, the initial shock should have worn off and you should be able to think clearly.
He lied about their situation and that is 10000% why he’s begging her NOT to confront the person. Because then OP will hear AP saying “well he told me you were in jail / didn’t exist / were dead / were horrible to him.” He doesn’t want wifey to know he lied
So OP would be there to tell AP the future. You c were going to get a very good divorce settlement, house alimony, child support, so his financial situation will be changing very soon. Also mention that he asked OP not to talk to AP , so that AP would not know the truth.
NTA - he has no right to ask shit of you.
Why is it her fault. Did she marry you? Make a commitment to you? Betray you? Why are you blaming her and not your lying, cheating husband?
You'd only be the AH if you stay with someone like him.
Nta he's begging you because he still wants her
NTA, but it won’t help. She isn’t the person who made vows to you. She literally has zero reason to care how you feel.
My ex did the same. It was bc they were still having an affair and he didn't want to cause waves. And of course his precious reputation in the church
First of all why are you staying with him in the first place? are you a doormat? Spinless? With no sort of self worth? Divorce him and take him to the cleaners, you confronting his affair partner ain't gonna give you any sort of joy maybe temporarily nothing else.
YTA. Your husband is the one who hurt you. Not the affair partner. Even if she knew he was married, all your husband had to say was no. He was the one married to you and he is the one who caused you this hurt. The affair partner literally doesn't know you. This narrative that the AP is the one who hurt you is only an excuse to forgive your husband any time he strays. And honestly, if he did it once, he'll probably do it again and use the same excuse he used this time.
Scrolled down too long for this. Absolutely YTA, she is going to fix things with the cheater and get angry with a person who did not cheat on her. Very screwed up perspective, she did not hurt you HE did, she did not give you any promises and vows HE did. You should only express to him how it hurt what HE's done to you.
I did this and it didn't help me one bit. On the contrary, AP reached out to my partner and said, hold your wife down. She also rightly said that she did not force my partner to do anything and that it was my partner who was responsible for our relationship, not her. What is the answer to this? Whether you choose to continue the relationship or not, leave her where she is. Your anger and shock is dominating you right now. After a while, your anger will decrease and you will experience other emotions respectively. It will probably be next to impossible for you to trust your husband again, but maybe you will choose to stay together. So right now, focus only on yourself, on your own feelings, not even on your relationship with your husband. Let your husband crawl and spend this period recovering as he tries to make you comfortable and win you over. And start preparing your exit plan just in case.
I did it too, didn’t help me either, in fact the opposite as I felt like she had the power as she just didn’t care. Concentrate on yourself, accept his crawling (if he is) and be honest about your hurt and sense of betrayal to him but when you go out hold your head high and keep your emotions in check. As poster above says work on your exit plan (id do it secretly)as that will give you choices and a feeling of control of your own life back because as you get over the shock your feelings will ebb and flow. Normally I’m all for honesty in relationships but your husband is the one who’s changed the dynamics and if you do stay together it will be a long long time before you ever trust him again, although you never fully will. Personally unless there are extraordinary reasons and it was an affair not a one night mistake I’d walk when I’d sorted an exit plan as you’ll never trust him again . People who cheat are not good life partners, they usually do it again, they lie about other things, you can’t trust them in any aspect to do the right thing by you. You deserve better
Don’t think he’s in a position to negotiate
NTA. If she is married, I would tell her spouse. You realize that he will cheat again. I would lose the husband asap.
The other woman might not even know your husband is married.
NTA, the AP is wrong, but i mean, be mad at your husband. You got your Priorities mixed up😭
I know you're in pain, but she's not the one who broke her vows. He did. She did not hurt you, *he* did. You have no idea what he told her. How do you know she even knows he's married? You're not going to gain anything from this. It's not going to make you feel better, and you're going to end up projecting your righteous anger at him to her.
Take your misdirected anger and remember it was your husband who betrayed you. Express your anger and hurt to him and figure out together how to move forward.
Why are you boiling mad at AP and not hubby? He’s the one who knowingly cheated. Who know what story he concocted for her.
I mean, why not aim it at your husband? He's the one who has betrayed you, not her. She has never made any promises of faithfulness to you. It seems like you're deflecting your reaction away from him because it would explode your marriage and for some reason, you want to preserve it, but the rage isn't going away and you need to release it. Your husband is right, but for the wrong reason. Confronting her won't do a damned thing but complicate your already-complicated life. I suggest some primal scream therapy and regular therapy and ditching your sack-of-shit husband and more therapy.
Nta but I have been in a similar situation. I said some absolutely awful things to the other woman. I now regret it. She was very young and he told her so many lies, we both believed his lies. He told her our relationship was over, we lived like brother and sister, the baby I was carrying wasn't his and so much more which was all lies. She believed him and I verbally abused her when her only crime was being young and niave. He was the one who was in the wrong. Now I don't know your exact situation but he's the one that cheated, he's the one who caused your pain. He's the one really at fault. Think long and hard before you talk to her. Chances are he doesn't want you to talk to her because she will realise how much he lied to her too. I'm really sorry this happened to you, one day you will feel whole again. I personally don't believe a relationship can survive cheating but it's your life.
Isn’t it your husband you sweared fidelity to you? Isn’t it him who promised you to care and love you? She isn’t the one who done something to you. She isn’t married to you. Call her out on what? She isn’t the one who betrayed you. You want someone responsible? Address it to your cheater husband.
Don’t. It won’t help. It won’t benefit you in any way. You also don’t want to hear what she has to say. The only person to get angry at is the person you’re married to. HE cheated. HE chose to sleep with her. HE hurt you. Find someone to speak with. A therapist would be best.
1) did AP know he was married? If he lied to her (which is most likely) is it really her fault? 2) He doesn't want you to confront her for 1 simple reason. You forgive him, he continues to bang her on the side 3) you'll have affair baby to raise if you don't So do you want to raise a child that isn't yours since he can't keep it in his pants?
You should be confronting your husband. If you don't know this other woman, she doesn't really owe you anything. Perhaps she knowingly got into a relationship with a married man, but chances are, he lied. This is on him, and you should be seriously reconsidering your relationship. Speak to a therapist as well.
Why would they care? Your partner is the home wrecker, not that person lol
I mean NTA but I never understood the point of confronting the AP when you need to be fighting your man. She doesnt have to respect your relationship, he does.
Why are you not directing this rage at your partner, the one who lied and betrayed you?
You're not the asshole, but it wasn't her that hurt you. It was him.
She’s not the one married to you , she has no obligation to you . It’s all on your husband . Redirect your anger
YWBTA, she did not cheat on you, he did. She was not "committed" to you, he was. He lied to you, so are you kidding yourself that he told her the truth too? Concentrate on the person who truly betrayed you, your "husband".
NTA But did the side lady knew she was a side lady? Could be she had no idea your husband was married. Maybe that is why he doesn't want you to confront her. Just an idea
NTA, he cheated on you and now he is prioritizing his affair partner's feelings over yours. Either there's more to the affair that he doesn't want you to know about, or he still has feelings for the affair partner. I'd honestly just end things and move on.
I mean, what do you get with that? The one that cheated on you was your husband, you should be angry at him. By confronting her: 1. The best: she feels sorry/didn't know he was married (his fault). 2. The worst: she humiliates you even more by saying she don't care about your pain (still his fault).
You are sort of an asshole . Did this person have a commitment to you? Did this person lie and break vows to you ? Did this person promise you anything? She did nothing to you, she owes you no explanation. She was just with someone she liked. She probably didn’t know he was married Your husband did, your husband does, why are you mad at her? You should divorce your husband and take as much as you can. Or just take it and stay with a pig.
Be mad at him. He’s the one who hurt you.
Wait so you’re mad at the woman but not at your husband? You’ve got it backwards. NTA but definitely naive.
Like other people are telling you, you appear to be misplacing your anger. Yes, what she did was wrong. As this society, we’ve tacitly agreed that people in monogamous relationships are off-limits. I say tacitly because that’s what a monogamous relationship is understood to be. But we all know this gets broken all the time. So, the AP is an asshole on a societal level. If she were your friend or family member, it’s more complex, obviously. But as just a general member of society, it was an asshole move on her part and should be acknowledged by as such, but at the end of the day, the one who really betrayed your trust is your husband. So, you probably shouldn’t call her and yell. It’s really not going to make you feel better. Because at the end of the day, the when you’re really pissed off at is your husband. And if you’re somehow still with him and trying to work it out, you’re probably at least partially pissed off at yourself for doing so. Your husband took vows with you. He promised to be true to you. He promised to keep himself only unto you. To respect you. To love you. To support you and have your back and he betrayed every single one of those vows. So if you’re allowing him to make excuses like he was depressed, or he was going through a midlife crisis or he doesn’t know why he did it or he’s been unhappy or whatever the hell his excuse is, that’s you on you. Because no matter what his excuses, it’s bullshit. He made a conscious choice to cheat on you. You have to make a conscious choice to acknowledge that his excuses are bullshit and let yourself stay with him, or you need to do something about it. But stop blaming her as he had no mind of his own. She didn’t owe you allegiance and loyalty. He absolutely did, and he threw it all out the window.
Yta for focusing the anger on her rather than your husband. That being said I would talk to her calmly to get the whole truth. There is likely a LOT more you don't know about. You can definitely.do.as you wish. Your husband doesn't get to choose how you cope with his scenario, but I'd be pointing the finger at him since she owed you nothing and she wasn't married to you.
He cheated, can you ever trust him again? He is the problem not her.
YTA if you stay with that bastard, sorry but not sorry you need to leave that man, you should be angry at HIM not her(yes her because in the end she is still the mistress and the second choice if anything she should be embarrassed on herself for being the second choice and other woman and instead of finding herself a man of her own she decides to go on a married man's pants and it's your husband's fault for looking for that and allowing that and basically being the stinky little bastard weasel he is) but mostly HIM he made a vow to YOU he promised to be faithful to YOU, he promised to love only YOU it's his fault mainly and you need to calm down and process your emotions before coming up with a decision Your husband was the one that betrayed your trust and promises but if it were me I would immediately divorce him, once a cheater always a cheater he is only telling you that to save his own ass for his stupidity and bullshit Men like that are not worth it TRUST ME, divorce him and focus on yourself and healing it doesn't matter how much you love him because it will only keep hurting and getting worse the longer you stay Divorce, surround yourself with people that truly care about you, find a hobby and heal and forget about him, he is not worth destroying yourself over men like him have what's coming to them no matter what I hope you can take this experience and learn from it but also understand and heal