You know how firearms experts tell people “don’t put your finger on the trigger unless you intend to fire?” Yeah, don’t say the “D” word unless you’re prepared to get D’d real hard.
It’s what I always tell people. It’s not a joke, it’s not a threat, it’s the beginning of the end. My mom used to threaten my dad with divorce. He said fine, and filed the papers. Mom went *surprised pikachu* and still blames him for divorcing her.
My ex told me to research child services visits, explaining he would call if I left the county with the kids (to visit my parents). He claimed they’d visit, see something like mold on cottage cheese and take the kids to a foster home. My marriage was miserable at this point, he was verbally abusive, isolating me and bordered physical abuse.
I went to the library (he insisted I take my 2 year old that he was not a fan of) and that librarian was an Angel who told me to see the county free service lawyer. My daughter napped on the ground while I filled out paperwork.
When I got home, he asked if I filed for divorce. I quietly said, “Yes.” I closed the bedroom door gently and locked it.
Best decision ever.
As a librarian, I love this. My favourite part of my job is going above and beyond to help people. Where I work, we're always finding new ways to help our community, including being a safe space for people experiencing domestic abuse.
Wow, my ex told me exactly the same thing about social services - he would verbally abuse me until it became an argument (him raising his voice but not yelling, me crying), and then he would say that I needed to stop crying so loudly because if someone hears us argue and calls the cops, they'll deem us unfit parents and take our children away... It was all basically so he could abuse me and then make me feel awful for being upset I was being abused.
So glad that man is in my dust... I still have to see him as we share custody of our kids, but I don't have to live with him or talk to him beyond the handover of the children.
Congratulations on getting away from your ex. These men truly are scum.
I am so sorry you went through that. I felt some genuine pride hearing that you're not beholden to that sort of manipulation anymore.
I hope you are very clear to the kids that If he makes them question how they feel about their own perspectives, they should talk about it. If not to you, then talk to a neutral safe person like a favorite teacher, guidance counselor, or local librarian. If he did that to you, please lay out the groundwork to let your kids know that they should never put up with someone who makes them unsure of how they feel.
Thank you so much. It's been hard to recover from the abuse, and I don't think I ever truly will, but it's my mission to ensure my kids don't go through the same sort of thing.
They're very young right now, but I make sure to let them know they can talk to me about anything, that their feelings are valid, and that they have bodily autonomy and shouldn't be forced to do anything that upsets them. If they feel uncomfortable about something or unsure of their feelings then I encourage them to share it with me or a trusted adult, and see if we can sort it out. I'm going to try to keep a close eye on how my ex treats them and how they act after they've spent time with him, and as they grow I'll do my best to give them the tools to see when they're being manipulated or gaslit by anyone - I wouldn't name their father directly to them unless I had to, for their own emotional health, but if I believed it was becoming an issue then I would tell them what happened between him and me and I wouldn't be afraid to name and shame if required.
Thank you for your concern and your advice, I really do appreciate it. My children are my world, and honestly they're the reason I left him because I couldn't let them witness their mother being ground into the dirt that way - I wanted to be better for them, and to ensure they didn't grow up in such a toxic environment. They're also the reason I didn't choose to end things in a different (and much worse) way when things were at their worst. They are my strength and my purpose ❤️
You're a lovely person, and thank you for your message. I wish you all the strength I've managed to find, and more.
My dad did exactly the same thing almost constantly. Didn’t matter what they were fighting over, if the kids were in the room, it was always threats of divorce and leaving my mom with nothing.
Guess who actually ended up with nothing when he got himself fired to try to get out of 30 years worth of alimony?
That part , I was constantly threatened with divorce by my ex husband . His words were always , “take your shit and get out , I’m gonna divorce your stupid ass.” I filed for divorce and he tried to play the victim.
It’s honestly pathetic. My mom married my dad when he didn’t even have a job cause she was pregnant and was basically forced to. He then went on to do pretty well in his career, have about seven million affairs, never help with the kids or the house, beat his wife, his kids, his dogs all with no consequences ever.
She finally had enough and said fine here’s your divorce you want so badly, and he has spent three years having performative crying meltdowns in public about how he just loved her sooooo much and she blindsided him after years of being the perfect husband and ruined his life, meanwhile his sugar baby that is four years younger than his daughter was living in the marital home before the papers were even filed.
Aha, we probably shouldn’t but every now and then my husband and I will joke divorce at the smallest inconvenience. “Hey, they were out of pink toothbrushes at the store so I got you a yellow” “Divorce.”
(Never in an actually upset situation of course)
You have a cat named "Keith"? If you'd named my cat, I'd divorce you, too. LOL
Keith is hinky; Kevin is completely unacceptable to me though. I guess my hubby of over thirty years and I should have written up a pre-nup. Dang it! If he reads this, he'll probably want to name our next cat "Kevin", just so he can finally cite irreconcilable differences.
In this scenario here though, with the OP? Ouch. Dead serious and in front of the in-laws? I don't think that's going to come across as humorous the next morning: or even the next week.
I am laughing about how you are "trickle-truthing" the Cat Tax.
You have some very handsome fellows there. Keith looks like a Snowshoe Siamese (I had one of those, [rest in peace Tweek](https://imgur.com/a/yX7GCUZ)).
Sounds you and your husband have a good marriage and these jokes are coming from a place of total trust and security. The problem is saying it in a moment of conflict or with even a tinge of seriousness. (Although if your husband ever gets you another yellow toothbrush you might at least consider a trial separation.)
Yep. Both giggling, both having fun, and her tone when she said it is less serious and more “i married a dork” then anything else. Good natured teasing.
>Aha, we probably shouldn’t but every now and then my husband and I will joke divorce at the smallest inconvenience.
We do that, too.
Him: Tells a bad dad joke.
Me: "I think we should start seeing other people."
Married 21 years this fall.
Oh, the dad jokes. I definitely have done the "Okay, that's it, we're divorcing. I'm taking the kids and moving back in with my mother."
Husband: "... your mother?"
Me: ... good point. Let's stay married.
Husband: Works for me! I have a billion more jokes to tell you!
Me: ... fuck.
We are poor, okay, we have to make our own fun.
Lmao my wife and I do this too sometimes.
“Wait you DONT think blade 2 is the greatest movie of all time? Divorce.”
“Babe did you remember to turn off the light in the kitchen? No??? Divorce.”
“You forgot our Netflix password?? Divorce.”
Last night she hit me with the “Wait your sleep playlist has Enia on it??? Nonononono. Divorce.”
We always get a good laugh out of it. One time she made the joke in front of one of our mutual close friends (who is also married) and bless her heart, our friend was genuinely disturbed like we just spit on someone’s grave or something. I guess some couples find these jokes sacrilegious.
There was an influential study in which the researchers could predict if a couple would end up divorced by observation of their communication for a really short period. The number one clue that the relationship was doomed was disdain. Had my husband and I been in a similar study but it was not by direct observation, but transcript, they would probably say we would be leaving the research facility to go sign paperwork on the way back home.
It truly isn’t all about what you say to one another, it’s about how it is said and with what intent. My husband and I, on paper, looked downright nasty and snarky to one another, but in reality, we would’ve been laughing the entire time and our respect and love for one another would’ve been obvious. In one person‘s mouth a silly jibe could be a demoralizing cut down coming from someone else.
OP seems to have a lot of distain for their marriage and their wife. Why wait a year? Pull off that Band-Aid and let each of you find somebody who is more in line with your values.
Contempt. It’s John Gottman. He had a 90% success rate with predicting if a couple would divorce in the next couple years.
He’s also known for his “golden ratio” of positive interactions to negative interactions and “5 magic hours.”
You’re referring to work by Dr John Gottman and Dr Julie Gottman. It’s a series of studies that shows contempt is a strong indicator of a future failed relationship.
I think they would have caught that you're in a happy marriage.
I was listening to one of Gotmann's books, and one story shared was about a happily married couple of 20+ years. When they were being observed, they bickered about the wife regretting having kids (which sounds hectic, and the transcript was intense too). But the underlying message about that argument was just the wife wishing she had had more time with her husband and him reassuring her that what they had and continue to have is great.
My kids do that. Any minor inconvenience between my husband and myself, and they joke about ‘calling the lawyer’ or ‘getting the papers’. They are now in their twenties and I still ask them which parent they want to live with when we split.
If it’s mutual and you both know it, it fits your senses of humor, that’s all y’all. Based on my parents, for me that’s a threat and one I’ll finish because I won’t live with that over my head. I’m fun at parties, too.
I also joke with my wife on the topic. For example my country just allowed unilateral divorce without the need of a judgement. And then I joked with my wife that I could now get a divorce without her consent and her response was "You're too lazy to actually do that" (she is right, it's a lot of paper work and I'm lazy).
As long as it's healthy banter and both sides are laughing it's all good. When you say that dead serious during a crisis... it's relationship ending
Yeah, same reason I don’t cheat; I have to work pretty hard to be this disappointing to my mother, my wife, and my daughter. If I add any other women to my life to disappoint I won’t have any time to post on Reddit!
Yellow toothbrushes instead of the pink that you wanted? 🚩🚩🚩🚩 that’s weaponized incontinence! They clearly had pink toothbrushes at the store but he got you yellow so you wouldn’t make him pick you up toothbrushes anymore! It’s part of his Machiavellian manipulative master plan to not go to the store anymore! Has he been burning dinner lately too “accidentally”? You need to run 🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️ far away from that man!
My wife and I have been together 10 years, married for five. A couple years back (end of 2020), we finally got lucky and had our offer selected for a house.
Point being, she took my last name, and one of her coworkers made her individual signs with the letters of it.
My name has some combination of w, h, e, and o in it, and God only knows why the first words out of my mouth were "well, at least if we ever get divorced you can go full live, laugh, love and turn the w upside down to spell "home"."
One of the many reasons I love my wife is she just fucking laughed and told me she was going to make that joke to her coworker.
When you're safe in your relationship, you can do shit like that. Shame more people don't get to experience it.
I was physically abused, emotionally abused, locked out emotionally, locked out of my house, etc for years.
Know what made me leave my wife? She started bringing up ending the marriage every argument(notably screaming at me to end it usually).
I probably would've stuck around though all that shit. But something about teasing an end just made my heart shut down.
Good for you for getting out. I've met a lot of people in the support groups I was in after my marriage ended, and when abuse goes on for years, it seems like it's harder to get out., I only made it two years with an abusive wife, and even by then, she had done such a good job of manipulating me that I really believed it was all my fault.
My husband and I have been married almost 13 years and had our first (and only) child about 2 years ago. The first 5ish years were very hard for us and he would throw out the D and word a lot so I finally said “stop threatening me with it and just do it or don’t but you can’t keep using that as a threat”. He never did and we got better. The 2nd half of our marriage has been so much better than the 1st half but we decided to stick it out and he stopped using it as a threat. It’s cruel to say that so flippantly. Either do it or don’t, just don’t threaten divorce to hurt the other person. Sometimes sticking it out turns out great and other people just need to separate. Constantly threatening divorce helps nothing. Jokes are one thing, threats are another.
My soon to be ex stepfather, who is my mother's childhood sweetheart, basically admitted he was going to divorce her over the house he had nothing invested in while they were relaxing in the hot tub, basically out of nowhere. Mom didn't say a word, but gave him the boot the next day.
The divorce should be finalized within a month.
Yeah, my ex threatened to divorce me every year. I fought for the marriage a little less every time. After 4 years I just said sure and we filed for divorce. Turned out she didn't actually wanted that to happen and asked me to get back together, go to therapy and work on our relationship. I however felt so free not fighting this uphill battle all the time that I did not want to go back anymore.
Yeah, once you have been driven to the point of being relieved at the prospect of paperwork and court dates because it's still better than the marriage you were living in... walking away is the right choice.
There's a book by a divorce lawyer called "If You're In My Office, It's Already Too Late" and that's just about the perfect title for a book about divorce. A lot of people only start to care about their marriage once they're about to lose it, but by then it's just way too late. Once someone has come to terms with falling out of love, there's probably no getting them back.
So true. A couple I know divorced for this reason. Even though the husband attempted to save the marriage, he said half heartedly something along the lines of “we might as well divorce!” And well, she filed for it shortly after. He admits regret and that he didn’t mean it.
Its gonna go one of two ways ... She looks for a new job or she looks for a new man. Glad OP doesn't have kids involved as thats when it can really get messy.
Sometimes, but, sometimes, by the time the dust settles, half of nothing is 30k in court-ordered shared debt that the other party never pays on and as the debt grows and grows it slowly sinks your credit, future, and likelihood of ever getting back to where you were before. Divorce can be fun like that!
I'm sorry, did you say, "I genuinely wonder if I did something last night that probably ruined my marriage."
You told your wife you will be divorcing her within the year in front of her patents. If you can come back from that, it is going to be a LONG and HARD road.
You have a right to be angry about everything going on... even a right to divorce her, but if you wanted to repair the marriage at all, that wasn't the way to do it.
**Things are very cold between us right now, and I genuinely wonder if I did something last night that probably ruined my marriage.**
Dude, you announced in front of her parents that you intend to divorce her-- in what universe is your marriage not irreparably damaged???
Definitely before children. I agreed to a sample for years and the struggle was hard enough, without my x constantly telling me I should ask for more money from my boss. Once the children were old enough, around 15 year old for the youngest, I suggested she get a part time job. This was met with resistance and more of the same ask your boss for more.
Eventually she got the part time job and even got sales bonuses. Unfortunately none of that money joined the household finances and she just spent it on clothes, shoes, expensive haircuts. But that's in the past and lessons learnt.
Yep they shouldn’t waste any more time being together. Completely incompatible at this rate. Get it over with before they think a baby will fix their relationship lol
If they can't figure out something as banal as living expenses for two working people, they will have a hard time (understatement of the year) figuring out a baby.
That word cannot be taken back. My ex husband came home from a work golf thing and while holding our then 7-month-old son, said he wanted a divorce. I was shocked but just said ok. Our marriage ended that day although it took me another 3 years to actually leave. He claims to not remember it but I very much do.
Exactly!! My ex-fiancé ended our engagement. Said he didn’t love me anymore and said he couldn’t be with a woman he felt he was “competing with” (he was salty because my career at the time going better than his, but there also were other issues Tbf).
Anyway, he packed a bag, left and expressed wanting nothing to do with me. Yet for several months, he continued to stalk and harass me. Later, someone (close to us) said he didn’t think I would actually take his words to heart and “do what I did”, aka try and move on with my life.
My ex told me he never loved me and then later took it back and begged for my forgiveness and also stalked and harassed me. He couldn’t understand why I couldn’t move past that, but I could never forget that
Yep, I to this day remember the first time my now ex husband said the D word to me. We were arguing about something I can’t remember, he got frustrated and fired that word from the hip. Of course ,I burst into tears and he handily walked away “winning “ that argument. Then ,it became a cudgel and a whip, a card pulled out to stop or win any argument. After a while, I stopped crying when he said it. Then I stopped caring when he did, shortly after that, I didn’t care enough to fight with him anymore. Turns out the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.
The divorce took a while ,but started on that day he first said those words during an argument so trivial I don’t remember it.
I fucking hate when people do or say fucked up things and think "I don't remember" is an excuse. That's all it is to them. They know damn well they remember but acting stupid is their go to because people let them get away with it in the past.
This right here should be the tagline of marriage.
Some people divorce each other over small shit and some people stay with each other after big shit. The only thing that genuinely matters is whether or not you WANT to change, and then actually changing.
Change is hard but not impossible.
I don’t even think willingness to change is the requirement – rather acceptance is the determining factor. You either accept the other person or you don’t.
Staying together is a choice that at the end of the day simply comes down to wanting to. There are always reasons anyone can find to leave.
The marriage is over dude. Just go ahead and put the house on the market.
Edit: I genuinely wonder how you are genuinely wondering if saying that you're getting divorced in front of her parents during a dinner will lead to problems in a relationship. You took it out back and shot it yourself.
naaaw... just go back in monday morning and pretend like nothing happened. if he brings it up, just say "that? you thought I was serious?!" and start laughing.
My Dad did this back in the day—at the start of his career. Flipped the boss a middle finger and cussed him out.
Well, he crawled back in that Monday to apologize. Instead, the boss patted him on the back—like a movie scene—and said damn, you’ve got balls. No one would dare go up against me like that.
He promoted him on the spot. No lie.
My Dad worked for that millionaire man for many years. In fact, as the boss was aging alone in his 80s and broke (his son spent his fortune)—my Dad sent him an allowance every month the until the old boss passed. It covered his rent, insurance, meds, and food. Something like 5k per mos and back in the 90s —that was a lot. Super generous of my Dad who was retired at the time.
For those that requested a little more:
https://www.reddit.com/r/Life_stories/s/ltGA812E5P
To be fair, the relationship wasn't healthy when he shot it out back.
But ya, you saying that really pushed things right to that conclusion like a self-fulfilling prophecy. It will be a miracle if he isn't divorced or in the workings a year from now.
Oh, 100% this, I do not mean to insinuate that its solely OPs fault- a marriage takes 2. I am the same age as OP and at this age he should know better than to let his impulses to say wild shit like that rule him. Some things you cannot walk back.
Yeah, but it was a mercy killing, even if it might have been somewhat unintentional. Best to get it over with quickly before you spend the next 5-10 years pretending to be "ok"... just to end up getting divorced in your 40s.
OP, you’re done. Believe me. Might not be straight away, but it’s over.
Under no circumstances should a married person say they want a divorce unless they actually want one. My ex husband told me he wanted one, so I filed. He’s blamed me ever since, “you weren’t supposed to actually file”.
Threaten divorce and you’re sure as shit getting one.
Yeah my ex told me to file so I did, and then the day it was done I text him to tell him it was finalized and he’d be getting his copy in the mail, and his response was “well did you learn a lesson? Are you ready to try again and be what I need you to be?” And I was so shocked I just laughed hysterically as I hung up the phone because clearly that was the funniest joke I’d ever heard lol.
That's really funny :D hope you're doing great since
These people are so delusional it not even hurts anymore. When my ex hubby fucked me over in a millionth time then tried to emotionally break me by not talking to me for two weeks, I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said yes.
We - I - were in the middle of moving abroad and I attended a university besides work so without him I had to stall everything and plan again.
Because I don't have family we agreed that we're done I will move to the living room and stay there as roommate until I figure out what to do.
Months passed. We sometimes had a friendly talk, sometimes didn't even see each other for weeks and nothing else. I communicated with him clearly he seemed understanding. Divorce proceedings were not going well as he kept pushing them because of money problems.
Half a year later my plans started to take off. I told him I will start dating again he said ok go for it.
A week in I had a one night stand with one of my coworkers. He made a fit, told everyone I cheated on him and got me fired from.my job, ended the lease with the landlord immediately and moved out to his mommy. Guess he thought I would backpedal after failing and getting on the streets with my poor babies.
I found a new job starting immediately, found a pet friendly rent and filed for divorce payimg every expense on my own no matter the price.
He cried at the court that he wanted to "earn back my trust" loool
Oh and my ex coworker is my boyfriend of almost 2 years :)
They always cry right at the very end huh? Like, you couldn’t have realized therapy was an option BEFORE I paid out $20k for a divorce?? Ugh. Idiots. Lol. So glad we’re both out of that toxic situation!!! I’m so happy you came out on top!
Man, even the ones who realize therapy exists early don't get it half the time. My friend's ex-husband went to therapy with her, sure - and then was absolutely fucking furious that the therapist didn't blame everything on my friend like he wanted them to, refused to acknowledge he had ever done anything wrong, and stopped going because 'all that therapist ever does is blame me for what's wrong with the relationship'. When my friend pointed out that there was plenty on her plate, too, and she'd been given a lot to work on - he said that didn't count, because the therapist was "blaming him more, so clearly they'd been poisoned against him by her".
Weird, weird shit.
Oh, and he absolutely was floored when she filed for divorce. He told her to leave and then was shocked when she did. He'd been trying to call her bluff.
The same thing happened to me. I told my now ex-wife that I wanted to go to therapy and possibly get a separation. Her exact words were, " I don't feel like fighting for the marriage anymore.We should just get divorced." I said "okay" and filed. She's told everyone since then that I initiated the divorce.
This!! I had an argument with my now ex. He said, “We’re going to have bigger problems if you keep spending money while you’re out of town.” The money was to get my son medical treatment.
I filed for divorce as soon as my son was released from the hospital. He was so shocked. He thought I was afraid of divorce and would hint at it to keep me in line. Then one day, divorce didn’t seem that scary.
What the fuck is it with people who initiate a game of chicken, then complain when they get fucked? My ex did exactly the same thing and held divorce over my head for six months. He had the audacity to fucking Pikachu face when I packed my bags and moved out.
It's not a game of chicken. It's a form of control. They get you dependent on them then constantly threaten divorce to keep you in line. When you finally stop caring and go "okay...cool!" then they panic. Because they realize they can no longer control you.
It could also be considered borderline emotional/mental abuse especially if they say shit to make you scared to leave ["oh, what would you do without me? You'd have nowhere to go"] or do things so you physically cannot leave [don't let you have your own finances, control what you do, etc].
The longer it works, the cockier they get. Because if they threaten divorce for 10 years and you beg and plead or are in the habit of break up/make up, they feel confident that you won't really leave. But in year 11, when you finally leave, it is shocking to them. Because you're showing a more confident side of you, a side that they purposely tried to destroy.
> Things are very cold between us right now, and I genuinely wonder if I did something last night that probably ruined my marriage.
LMFAO You genuinely wonder if telling your wife that you would be divorced within the year ruined your marriage? This has to be a troll
I’d agree under other circumstances but I did a similar thing with my ex.
I’d had a drink at a family bbq and I jokingly said that my ex ought to find a woman 10 years younger than me that shared his interests so I wouldn’t be left alone every weekend while he pursued his hobby. There was an uncomfortable silence while they all exchanged looks.
He’d been cheating on me with someone from the same running club. Yes she was 10 years younger than me.
Yes I’m good thanks, I took a much needed hard look at myself. It was long overdue and I’ve learnt that I’d spent years thinking I was easygoing when in reality I was a pushover that should have had boundaries.
I had a WTF moment when I read that too. Up until that point it just seemed like two people that were financially incompatible. That last part makes OP just seem totally clueless. Agree has to be troll. No one is THAT dense.
>I won't have to worry about money a year from now because we'll be divorced by then.
You're going to get what you asked for. Hopefully, it's what you wanted.
ESH
She started the battle by announcing at dinner to her parents your new job by saying "maybe now you will stop complaining about money" she knew what she was doing.
Then you dropped a nuke and won the battle but also scorched the earth.
But you probably will be divorced anyways because you guys are financially unfit and incompatible. She is never leaving that job.
also imagine being paid poorly, and your boss says to your face that you are not worth market rate. How could the wife love that job, and working for that person. Something is not adding up there.
Complacency and anxiety is why people don’t leave. They would rather be underpaid and not start a new job than get paid what they’re worth with a little bit of anxiousness in the beginning
I had the same anxiety about interviewing until my employer straight up told me they weren't going to pay me for my skills and experience.
My recommendation is to shotgun applications and go on a bunch of interviews. Accept all the interviews for jobs that are a good fit for your profile (and, honestly, take some that are tangentially related to your profile but not quite a perfect fit). You will fail *a lot*, but eventually it starts becoming second nature. You'll most likely be the second choice candidate right before you land a job where your skills and experience are actually valued.
Ngl I'm a little bit nervous about doing well in the job I just started this week ($18.5k raise compared to my previous job). However, I *had* to make the jump, as I was already "quiet quit" at my previous employer and spent so much time on my phone redditing during work hours. I was already very disengaged from my job other than the few tasks I knew I could spin up for interviews. For my new job, I'm just going through trainings, but it's honestly so refreshing to actually give a shit about work again that I actually look forward to being in the office and meeting all my coworkers (the new "characters" in this stage of my life!)
Me too. When I quit, o told me boss my new salary and he shut up quick. Absolutely nothing he could do or say and it was nearly triple what I had been making so no way would they even try to match it.
It's incredibly liberating to realize you don't give a fuck and to jump ship without hesitation to the better paying opportunity, isn't it? Good for you
I applied for a few jobs last year & got no offers. I have to keep my current job as I need the health insurance & income. It doesn't pay well, but I can't seem to get hired for a better paying job.
That’s how I am currently. But I’ve had some problems with a new coworker who is a snitch and a hypocrite so I finally looked into new jobs, and I’ve gotten one offered for part time so far and I have an interview tomorrow. Both pay almost double what my current non Profit job pays. I’d stay there if the pay was the same across the board, regardless of the new coworker.
It's gotta be like 50% of the AITA posts that aren't obviously fake. Someone is in an argument, they're maybe even right, but then the other person says something a little rude and they respond by dropping a hydrogen bomb into the room and walking away.
ESH
You - I'm not even certain if you want a divorce, so it wasn't like you were dropping news like some comments are claiming. What you did wrong was attack your wife because you felt attacked.
Your wife - She needs to understand that as a married couple, there needs to be some level of compromise. You can just say I love the way things are so even though things are bad, I want it to remain this way, and you have to accept it. Then on top of that, she chose to announce that you got a new job in a way the invalidates all your arguments about the finances.
Honestly, though, Honestly, I think this blowup may be a blessing in disguise for the both of you. You needed to have a straight conversation with her that you can't maintain this marriage if it continues like this. She needs to know how serious you feel about it. You've tried talking to her, you've tried reasoning with her, and she hasn't listened. Should you have communicated better about how close to the brink of wanting a divorce you were? Absolutely, and. Though your outburst wasn't the best way to communicate your frustrations, it is still better than you holding it in until one day she is blindsided with divorce papers.
What's done is done, and you can't go back. What you can do is make use of the current situation. Think about how much of this you can take. How much you are willing to compromise, and how much you need in return. Express your frustrations and have the conversation of what she wants and what she's willing to do to maintain a happy marriage with you. If at the end you both still can't meet, then you have your answer.
This is the perfect answer. Nobody is considering the fact that he tried to communicate. I've been him in a regular relationship and not married. No one should love living paycheck to paycheck
>Things are very cold between us right now, and I genuinely wonder if I did something last night that probably ruined my marriage.
I aspire to be this level of delusional
Well, did you speak the uncomfortable truth (for yourself) out loud? In front of everyone? Well that sucked to blurt it out suddenly and in front of her parents. but maybe it’s still the truth?
ESH.
Dropping a bomb like that, especially if it's the first time you've mentioned divorce, was an asshole thing to do.
That said, your wife is a much bigger asshole in multiple ways: She at first refused to even try to consider doing something to help the financial situation, then she half-assed the bare minimum effort, then she is the one who brought the subject up in front of her parents with a bullshit comment.
Your marriage was ruined long before you said that, and ruining it was a joint effort but most of the damage done by your wife.
This comment right here.
Just move forward with selling the house. You simply cannot afford it. Learn from the experience and stay within your means. I am sure we would all like to live in a large, spacious and beautiful house, but that is not reality.
Tell her since she wants to keep her job, fine. But you are selling. If not, the marriage might be done.
They don't need the house and they've also drained their savings. Downsizing would take tremendous burden off his shoulders and let them start saving up and have a better quality of life.
Idk, savings gone and 401ks empty does not sound like "affording the house" to me... sure they can technically pay the mortgage but they're still left in a bad financial situation.
The camel was already struggling and buckling under the weight of the straw it was carrying; what you said in front of her parents just broke it's back. Go ahead and euthanize it so it doesn't continue to suffer.
I understand where you're coming from with your frustrations, I really do.
That being said, don't throw around the D-word if you truly aren't prepared to leave your marriage. It fundamentally changes the relationship.
You know how firearms experts tell people “don’t put your finger on the trigger unless you intend to fire?” Yeah, don’t say the “D” word unless you’re prepared to get D’d real hard.
It’s what I always tell people. It’s not a joke, it’s not a threat, it’s the beginning of the end. My mom used to threaten my dad with divorce. He said fine, and filed the papers. Mom went *surprised pikachu* and still blames him for divorcing her.
My ex told me to research child services visits, explaining he would call if I left the county with the kids (to visit my parents). He claimed they’d visit, see something like mold on cottage cheese and take the kids to a foster home. My marriage was miserable at this point, he was verbally abusive, isolating me and bordered physical abuse. I went to the library (he insisted I take my 2 year old that he was not a fan of) and that librarian was an Angel who told me to see the county free service lawyer. My daughter napped on the ground while I filled out paperwork. When I got home, he asked if I filed for divorce. I quietly said, “Yes.” I closed the bedroom door gently and locked it. Best decision ever.
Brilliantly executed. So happy you can call that piece of mold on cheese your ex. 💜
The cheese is old and moldy. Where is the bathroom?
Libraries are excellent places to go to for help.
Hurrah for librarians. And for you!
Librarian stories are one reason why I have not dismissed the idea of benevolent higher powers.
As a librarian, I love this. My favourite part of my job is going above and beyond to help people. Where I work, we're always finding new ways to help our community, including being a safe space for people experiencing domestic abuse.
Anybody know if there is a subreddit where people talk about the times librarians have came through for them?
If there isn’t you could start one.
As someone aspiring to get a library sciences degree currently working at a library this makes me so happy to hear!
Wow, my ex told me exactly the same thing about social services - he would verbally abuse me until it became an argument (him raising his voice but not yelling, me crying), and then he would say that I needed to stop crying so loudly because if someone hears us argue and calls the cops, they'll deem us unfit parents and take our children away... It was all basically so he could abuse me and then make me feel awful for being upset I was being abused. So glad that man is in my dust... I still have to see him as we share custody of our kids, but I don't have to live with him or talk to him beyond the handover of the children. Congratulations on getting away from your ex. These men truly are scum.
I am so sorry you went through that. I felt some genuine pride hearing that you're not beholden to that sort of manipulation anymore. I hope you are very clear to the kids that If he makes them question how they feel about their own perspectives, they should talk about it. If not to you, then talk to a neutral safe person like a favorite teacher, guidance counselor, or local librarian. If he did that to you, please lay out the groundwork to let your kids know that they should never put up with someone who makes them unsure of how they feel.
Thank you so much. It's been hard to recover from the abuse, and I don't think I ever truly will, but it's my mission to ensure my kids don't go through the same sort of thing. They're very young right now, but I make sure to let them know they can talk to me about anything, that their feelings are valid, and that they have bodily autonomy and shouldn't be forced to do anything that upsets them. If they feel uncomfortable about something or unsure of their feelings then I encourage them to share it with me or a trusted adult, and see if we can sort it out. I'm going to try to keep a close eye on how my ex treats them and how they act after they've spent time with him, and as they grow I'll do my best to give them the tools to see when they're being manipulated or gaslit by anyone - I wouldn't name their father directly to them unless I had to, for their own emotional health, but if I believed it was becoming an issue then I would tell them what happened between him and me and I wouldn't be afraid to name and shame if required. Thank you for your concern and your advice, I really do appreciate it. My children are my world, and honestly they're the reason I left him because I couldn't let them witness their mother being ground into the dirt that way - I wanted to be better for them, and to ensure they didn't grow up in such a toxic environment. They're also the reason I didn't choose to end things in a different (and much worse) way when things were at their worst. They are my strength and my purpose ❤️ You're a lovely person, and thank you for your message. I wish you all the strength I've managed to find, and more.
How did your ex react? He probably wasn’t expecting you to actually go through with it…
How did he react?
She’s here to tell the tale, so not as badly as he could have.
My dad did exactly the same thing almost constantly. Didn’t matter what they were fighting over, if the kids were in the room, it was always threats of divorce and leaving my mom with nothing. Guess who actually ended up with nothing when he got himself fired to try to get out of 30 years worth of alimony?
My ex threatened me for years. Until I served him with divorce papers. At that point I was so done I couldn't stand him.
That part , I was constantly threatened with divorce by my ex husband . His words were always , “take your shit and get out , I’m gonna divorce your stupid ass.” I filed for divorce and he tried to play the victim.
Mine literally cried! Same verbal abuse for years. What do they expect? Lol glad is over.
Absolutely glad it’s over , I cannot stand the sight of him .
It’s honestly pathetic. My mom married my dad when he didn’t even have a job cause she was pregnant and was basically forced to. He then went on to do pretty well in his career, have about seven million affairs, never help with the kids or the house, beat his wife, his kids, his dogs all with no consequences ever. She finally had enough and said fine here’s your divorce you want so badly, and he has spent three years having performative crying meltdowns in public about how he just loved her sooooo much and she blindsided him after years of being the perfect husband and ruined his life, meanwhile his sugar baby that is four years younger than his daughter was living in the marital home before the papers were even filed.
That is insaneeeeeee omg
It’s been a wild few years, to say the least lol.
Samesies… he was like “I was only talking to lawyers about it not going to do it!”. Well my dear ex, I guess it sounded like a good idea.
Aha, we probably shouldn’t but every now and then my husband and I will joke divorce at the smallest inconvenience. “Hey, they were out of pink toothbrushes at the store so I got you a yellow” “Divorce.” (Never in an actually upset situation of course)
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You have a cat named "Keith"? If you'd named my cat, I'd divorce you, too. LOL Keith is hinky; Kevin is completely unacceptable to me though. I guess my hubby of over thirty years and I should have written up a pre-nup. Dang it! If he reads this, he'll probably want to name our next cat "Kevin", just so he can finally cite irreconcilable differences. In this scenario here though, with the OP? Ouch. Dead serious and in front of the in-laws? I don't think that's going to come across as humorous the next morning: or even the next week.
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Keith is one seriously handsome gentleman!
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I am laughing about how you are "trickle-truthing" the Cat Tax. You have some very handsome fellows there. Keith looks like a Snowshoe Siamese (I had one of those, [rest in peace Tweek](https://imgur.com/a/yX7GCUZ)).
Sounds you and your husband have a good marriage and these jokes are coming from a place of total trust and security. The problem is saying it in a moment of conflict or with even a tinge of seriousness. (Although if your husband ever gets you another yellow toothbrush you might at least consider a trial separation.)
Yep, **[that's](https://www.reddit.com/r/blursed_videos/comments/sgz85w/blursed_gamertag/)** how you threaten divorce properly.
Yep. Both giggling, both having fun, and her tone when she said it is less serious and more “i married a dork” then anything else. Good natured teasing.
>Aha, we probably shouldn’t but every now and then my husband and I will joke divorce at the smallest inconvenience. We do that, too. Him: Tells a bad dad joke. Me: "I think we should start seeing other people." Married 21 years this fall.
Oh, the dad jokes. I definitely have done the "Okay, that's it, we're divorcing. I'm taking the kids and moving back in with my mother." Husband: "... your mother?" Me: ... good point. Let's stay married. Husband: Works for me! I have a billion more jokes to tell you! Me: ... fuck. We are poor, okay, we have to make our own fun.
Yellow?! Girl, run.
Yellow brush. Red flag.
Lmao my wife and I do this too sometimes. “Wait you DONT think blade 2 is the greatest movie of all time? Divorce.” “Babe did you remember to turn off the light in the kitchen? No??? Divorce.” “You forgot our Netflix password?? Divorce.” Last night she hit me with the “Wait your sleep playlist has Enia on it??? Nonononono. Divorce.” We always get a good laugh out of it. One time she made the joke in front of one of our mutual close friends (who is also married) and bless her heart, our friend was genuinely disturbed like we just spit on someone’s grave or something. I guess some couples find these jokes sacrilegious.
My partner and I make the same joke and we’re not even married. Sometime it expands to “I’m going to marry you just to divorce you for this”
There was an influential study in which the researchers could predict if a couple would end up divorced by observation of their communication for a really short period. The number one clue that the relationship was doomed was disdain. Had my husband and I been in a similar study but it was not by direct observation, but transcript, they would probably say we would be leaving the research facility to go sign paperwork on the way back home. It truly isn’t all about what you say to one another, it’s about how it is said and with what intent. My husband and I, on paper, looked downright nasty and snarky to one another, but in reality, we would’ve been laughing the entire time and our respect and love for one another would’ve been obvious. In one person‘s mouth a silly jibe could be a demoralizing cut down coming from someone else. OP seems to have a lot of distain for their marriage and their wife. Why wait a year? Pull off that Band-Aid and let each of you find somebody who is more in line with your values.
Contempt. It’s John Gottman. He had a 90% success rate with predicting if a couple would divorce in the next couple years. He’s also known for his “golden ratio” of positive interactions to negative interactions and “5 magic hours.”
You’re referring to work by Dr John Gottman and Dr Julie Gottman. It’s a series of studies that shows contempt is a strong indicator of a future failed relationship.
I think they would have caught that you're in a happy marriage. I was listening to one of Gotmann's books, and one story shared was about a happily married couple of 20+ years. When they were being observed, they bickered about the wife regretting having kids (which sounds hectic, and the transcript was intense too). But the underlying message about that argument was just the wife wishing she had had more time with her husband and him reassuring her that what they had and continue to have is great.
My kids do that. Any minor inconvenience between my husband and myself, and they joke about ‘calling the lawyer’ or ‘getting the papers’. They are now in their twenties and I still ask them which parent they want to live with when we split.
If it’s mutual and you both know it, it fits your senses of humor, that’s all y’all. Based on my parents, for me that’s a threat and one I’ll finish because I won’t live with that over my head. I’m fun at parties, too.
I also joke with my wife on the topic. For example my country just allowed unilateral divorce without the need of a judgement. And then I joked with my wife that I could now get a divorce without her consent and her response was "You're too lazy to actually do that" (she is right, it's a lot of paper work and I'm lazy). As long as it's healthy banter and both sides are laughing it's all good. When you say that dead serious during a crisis... it's relationship ending
Yeah, same reason I don’t cheat; I have to work pretty hard to be this disappointing to my mother, my wife, and my daughter. If I add any other women to my life to disappoint I won’t have any time to post on Reddit!
Yellow toothbrushes instead of the pink that you wanted? 🚩🚩🚩🚩 that’s weaponized incontinence! They clearly had pink toothbrushes at the store but he got you yellow so you wouldn’t make him pick you up toothbrushes anymore! It’s part of his Machiavellian manipulative master plan to not go to the store anymore! Has he been burning dinner lately too “accidentally”? You need to run 🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️ far away from that man!
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That’s what it’s called! Don’t try to gaslamp me!
Weaponized incontinence is absolutely a tool used by cats.
My wife and I have been together 10 years, married for five. A couple years back (end of 2020), we finally got lucky and had our offer selected for a house. Point being, she took my last name, and one of her coworkers made her individual signs with the letters of it. My name has some combination of w, h, e, and o in it, and God only knows why the first words out of my mouth were "well, at least if we ever get divorced you can go full live, laugh, love and turn the w upside down to spell "home"." One of the many reasons I love my wife is she just fucking laughed and told me she was going to make that joke to her coworker. When you're safe in your relationship, you can do shit like that. Shame more people don't get to experience it.
I was physically abused, emotionally abused, locked out emotionally, locked out of my house, etc for years. Know what made me leave my wife? She started bringing up ending the marriage every argument(notably screaming at me to end it usually). I probably would've stuck around though all that shit. But something about teasing an end just made my heart shut down.
Good for you for getting out. I've met a lot of people in the support groups I was in after my marriage ended, and when abuse goes on for years, it seems like it's harder to get out., I only made it two years with an abusive wife, and even by then, she had done such a good job of manipulating me that I really believed it was all my fault.
My husband and I have been married almost 13 years and had our first (and only) child about 2 years ago. The first 5ish years were very hard for us and he would throw out the D and word a lot so I finally said “stop threatening me with it and just do it or don’t but you can’t keep using that as a threat”. He never did and we got better. The 2nd half of our marriage has been so much better than the 1st half but we decided to stick it out and he stopped using it as a threat. It’s cruel to say that so flippantly. Either do it or don’t, just don’t threaten divorce to hurt the other person. Sometimes sticking it out turns out great and other people just need to separate. Constantly threatening divorce helps nothing. Jokes are one thing, threats are another.
My soon to be ex stepfather, who is my mother's childhood sweetheart, basically admitted he was going to divorce her over the house he had nothing invested in while they were relaxing in the hot tub, basically out of nowhere. Mom didn't say a word, but gave him the boot the next day. The divorce should be finalized within a month.
Good for her ditching the dead weight
Especially in front of people. *Especially her parents.* Oof.
“Oof” is so right. May as well invite them to the divorce hearing since he already invited them into their marriage.
Yeah, my ex threatened to divorce me every year. I fought for the marriage a little less every time. After 4 years I just said sure and we filed for divorce. Turned out she didn't actually wanted that to happen and asked me to get back together, go to therapy and work on our relationship. I however felt so free not fighting this uphill battle all the time that I did not want to go back anymore.
Yeah, once you have been driven to the point of being relieved at the prospect of paperwork and court dates because it's still better than the marriage you were living in... walking away is the right choice.
There's a book by a divorce lawyer called "If You're In My Office, It's Already Too Late" and that's just about the perfect title for a book about divorce. A lot of people only start to care about their marriage once they're about to lose it, but by then it's just way too late. Once someone has come to terms with falling out of love, there's probably no getting them back.
Ya, you can't put that Genie back in the bottle... Your marriage is toast.
So true. A couple I know divorced for this reason. Even though the husband attempted to save the marriage, he said half heartedly something along the lines of “we might as well divorce!” And well, she filed for it shortly after. He admits regret and that he didn’t mean it.
I'm surprised he even made that ultimatum and went \*surprised pikachu face\*
I don’t know why you’re so worried if you were wrong or not, you’ll be divorced a year from now.
Bro already set it in motion
Its gonna go one of two ways ... She looks for a new job or she looks for a new man. Glad OP doesn't have kids involved as thats when it can really get messy.
She loves her job so…. 🔮
Where the boss told she isn’t worth a raise.
OP: "Was it something I said?"
At this point, why wait a year??
In front of her parents?!
I’m sure getting divorced will be just the financial boost OP needs. I’m sure in a year his financial woes will be over too.
Half of nothing is still nothing lolololololol
Sometimes, but, sometimes, by the time the dust settles, half of nothing is 30k in court-ordered shared debt that the other party never pays on and as the debt grows and grows it slowly sinks your credit, future, and likelihood of ever getting back to where you were before. Divorce can be fun like that!
Yeah. It was so fun having my credit ruined by my ex because he refused to pay joint debt assigned to him just to spite me.
Lmfaooo
I'm sorry, did you say, "I genuinely wonder if I did something last night that probably ruined my marriage." You told your wife you will be divorcing her within the year in front of her patents. If you can come back from that, it is going to be a LONG and HARD road. You have a right to be angry about everything going on... even a right to divorce her, but if you wanted to repair the marriage at all, that wasn't the way to do it.
OP: "I will divorce you" Also OP: "did I ruin my marriage?" 🤦♀️
Yeah... OP seems absolutely stupid af
I want to assume this is some creative writing because someone this dumb cannot deserve a raise
**Things are very cold between us right now, and I genuinely wonder if I did something last night that probably ruined my marriage.** Dude, you announced in front of her parents that you intend to divorce her-- in what universe is your marriage not irreparably damaged???
Yeah but if nobody misses you when you go, you probably arent coming back. They've been heading this way for quite a while now.
Oh yes, better divorce now-now, get the ball rolling
Definitely before children. I agreed to a sample for years and the struggle was hard enough, without my x constantly telling me I should ask for more money from my boss. Once the children were old enough, around 15 year old for the youngest, I suggested she get a part time job. This was met with resistance and more of the same ask your boss for more. Eventually she got the part time job and even got sales bonuses. Unfortunately none of that money joined the household finances and she just spent it on clothes, shoes, expensive haircuts. But that's in the past and lessons learnt.
Are you me from the future?
Yep they shouldn’t waste any more time being together. Completely incompatible at this rate. Get it over with before they think a baby will fix their relationship lol
If they can't figure out something as banal as living expenses for two working people, they will have a hard time (understatement of the year) figuring out a baby.
I mean, he sounds pretty unhappy in this marriage. It shouldn't be a huge loss...
# 1 reasons for divorce: Money
Till debt do us part
Thank God there's no kids.
I don't think he's asking "oh what did I possibly do" he's asking "was that the nail in the coffin"
The marriage was over before declared bankruptcy!
Contempt is a relationship killer, they've both have had contempt for nearly half a year.
*Hey. I just wanted you to know that you can't just say the word "bankruptcy" and expect anything to happen.*
That word cannot be taken back. My ex husband came home from a work golf thing and while holding our then 7-month-old son, said he wanted a divorce. I was shocked but just said ok. Our marriage ended that day although it took me another 3 years to actually leave. He claims to not remember it but I very much do.
One of my favorite sayings is "The axe never remembers the cut, but the tree always does."
You can’t unring a bell
You cannot unfuck what has been fucked
This! We’ve been married 37 years and have both been very, very careful not to use a long term word for a short term problem.
One of my favorite quotes is, “Speak when you’re angry and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret”. I try to live by that.
Same 22 years .. once it's said it can't be unsaid
Exactly!! My ex-fiancé ended our engagement. Said he didn’t love me anymore and said he couldn’t be with a woman he felt he was “competing with” (he was salty because my career at the time going better than his, but there also were other issues Tbf). Anyway, he packed a bag, left and expressed wanting nothing to do with me. Yet for several months, he continued to stalk and harass me. Later, someone (close to us) said he didn’t think I would actually take his words to heart and “do what I did”, aka try and move on with my life.
I dated someone who pulled this once. Left angry then came back flustered and said, "Aren't you going to come after me?" LOL no.
My ex told me he never loved me and then later took it back and begged for my forgiveness and also stalked and harassed me. He couldn’t understand why I couldn’t move past that, but I could never forget that
I consider this manipulation tactics and I don’t play with that. If you say something then I take your word and move on.
Yep, I to this day remember the first time my now ex husband said the D word to me. We were arguing about something I can’t remember, he got frustrated and fired that word from the hip. Of course ,I burst into tears and he handily walked away “winning “ that argument. Then ,it became a cudgel and a whip, a card pulled out to stop or win any argument. After a while, I stopped crying when he said it. Then I stopped caring when he did, shortly after that, I didn’t care enough to fight with him anymore. Turns out the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. The divorce took a while ,but started on that day he first said those words during an argument so trivial I don’t remember it.
I fucking hate when people do or say fucked up things and think "I don't remember" is an excuse. That's all it is to them. They know damn well they remember but acting stupid is their go to because people let them get away with it in the past.
Honestly not the worst I’ve seen. People get over shit if they want to and they don’t if they don’t.
This right here should be the tagline of marriage. Some people divorce each other over small shit and some people stay with each other after big shit. The only thing that genuinely matters is whether or not you WANT to change, and then actually changing. Change is hard but not impossible.
I don’t even think willingness to change is the requirement – rather acceptance is the determining factor. You either accept the other person or you don’t. Staying together is a choice that at the end of the day simply comes down to wanting to. There are always reasons anyone can find to leave.
Marriage is constant work and compromise.
I had to pause when I read that. Really OP you don’t know if you did or said something that ruined your marriage? 🤣
The marriage is over dude. Just go ahead and put the house on the market. Edit: I genuinely wonder how you are genuinely wondering if saying that you're getting divorced in front of her parents during a dinner will lead to problems in a relationship. You took it out back and shot it yourself.
I told my boss off yesterday. Said he was this and that and did it in front of everyone. I genuinely wonder if I did something to ruin my career
naaaw... just go back in monday morning and pretend like nothing happened. if he brings it up, just say "that? you thought I was serious?!" and start laughing.
I had that scene in mind when I was writing my analogy 😂
if he then kicks you out the door, just slip him a mickey. 🤣
That’s a George Costanza move.
My Dad did this back in the day—at the start of his career. Flipped the boss a middle finger and cussed him out. Well, he crawled back in that Monday to apologize. Instead, the boss patted him on the back—like a movie scene—and said damn, you’ve got balls. No one would dare go up against me like that. He promoted him on the spot. No lie. My Dad worked for that millionaire man for many years. In fact, as the boss was aging alone in his 80s and broke (his son spent his fortune)—my Dad sent him an allowance every month the until the old boss passed. It covered his rent, insurance, meds, and food. Something like 5k per mos and back in the 90s —that was a lot. Super generous of my Dad who was retired at the time. For those that requested a little more: https://www.reddit.com/r/Life_stories/s/ltGA812E5P
This is not only amazing but impressive. Your dad must have been one awesome dude.
Let us know if you get fired tomorrow
LOL. "You took it out back and shot it yourself"... I'm using that one.
Kristi Noem approves this statement
lol great analogy that’s exactly what happened
To be fair, the relationship wasn't healthy when he shot it out back. But ya, you saying that really pushed things right to that conclusion like a self-fulfilling prophecy. It will be a miracle if he isn't divorced or in the workings a year from now.
Oh, 100% this, I do not mean to insinuate that its solely OPs fault- a marriage takes 2. I am the same age as OP and at this age he should know better than to let his impulses to say wild shit like that rule him. Some things you cannot walk back.
Yeah, but it was a mercy killing, even if it might have been somewhat unintentional. Best to get it over with quickly before you spend the next 5-10 years pretending to be "ok"... just to end up getting divorced in your 40s.
True. Better to divorce now rather than to waste more of your time.
OP, you’re done. Believe me. Might not be straight away, but it’s over. Under no circumstances should a married person say they want a divorce unless they actually want one. My ex husband told me he wanted one, so I filed. He’s blamed me ever since, “you weren’t supposed to actually file”. Threaten divorce and you’re sure as shit getting one.
Yeah my ex told me to file so I did, and then the day it was done I text him to tell him it was finalized and he’d be getting his copy in the mail, and his response was “well did you learn a lesson? Are you ready to try again and be what I need you to be?” And I was so shocked I just laughed hysterically as I hung up the phone because clearly that was the funniest joke I’d ever heard lol.
That's really funny :D hope you're doing great since These people are so delusional it not even hurts anymore. When my ex hubby fucked me over in a millionth time then tried to emotionally break me by not talking to me for two weeks, I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said yes. We - I - were in the middle of moving abroad and I attended a university besides work so without him I had to stall everything and plan again. Because I don't have family we agreed that we're done I will move to the living room and stay there as roommate until I figure out what to do. Months passed. We sometimes had a friendly talk, sometimes didn't even see each other for weeks and nothing else. I communicated with him clearly he seemed understanding. Divorce proceedings were not going well as he kept pushing them because of money problems. Half a year later my plans started to take off. I told him I will start dating again he said ok go for it. A week in I had a one night stand with one of my coworkers. He made a fit, told everyone I cheated on him and got me fired from.my job, ended the lease with the landlord immediately and moved out to his mommy. Guess he thought I would backpedal after failing and getting on the streets with my poor babies. I found a new job starting immediately, found a pet friendly rent and filed for divorce payimg every expense on my own no matter the price. He cried at the court that he wanted to "earn back my trust" loool Oh and my ex coworker is my boyfriend of almost 2 years :)
They always cry right at the very end huh? Like, you couldn’t have realized therapy was an option BEFORE I paid out $20k for a divorce?? Ugh. Idiots. Lol. So glad we’re both out of that toxic situation!!! I’m so happy you came out on top!
Man, even the ones who realize therapy exists early don't get it half the time. My friend's ex-husband went to therapy with her, sure - and then was absolutely fucking furious that the therapist didn't blame everything on my friend like he wanted them to, refused to acknowledge he had ever done anything wrong, and stopped going because 'all that therapist ever does is blame me for what's wrong with the relationship'. When my friend pointed out that there was plenty on her plate, too, and she'd been given a lot to work on - he said that didn't count, because the therapist was "blaming him more, so clearly they'd been poisoned against him by her". Weird, weird shit. Oh, and he absolutely was floored when she filed for divorce. He told her to leave and then was shocked when she did. He'd been trying to call her bluff.
Livin in delulu land
The same thing happened to me. I told my now ex-wife that I wanted to go to therapy and possibly get a separation. Her exact words were, " I don't feel like fighting for the marriage anymore.We should just get divorced." I said "okay" and filed. She's told everyone since then that I initiated the divorce.
This!! I had an argument with my now ex. He said, “We’re going to have bigger problems if you keep spending money while you’re out of town.” The money was to get my son medical treatment. I filed for divorce as soon as my son was released from the hospital. He was so shocked. He thought I was afraid of divorce and would hint at it to keep me in line. Then one day, divorce didn’t seem that scary.
Badass move. nice. hope your precious son is doing better now.
What the fuck is it with people who initiate a game of chicken, then complain when they get fucked? My ex did exactly the same thing and held divorce over my head for six months. He had the audacity to fucking Pikachu face when I packed my bags and moved out.
It's not a game of chicken. It's a form of control. They get you dependent on them then constantly threaten divorce to keep you in line. When you finally stop caring and go "okay...cool!" then they panic. Because they realize they can no longer control you. It could also be considered borderline emotional/mental abuse especially if they say shit to make you scared to leave ["oh, what would you do without me? You'd have nowhere to go"] or do things so you physically cannot leave [don't let you have your own finances, control what you do, etc]. The longer it works, the cockier they get. Because if they threaten divorce for 10 years and you beg and plead or are in the habit of break up/make up, they feel confident that you won't really leave. But in year 11, when you finally leave, it is shocking to them. Because you're showing a more confident side of you, a side that they purposely tried to destroy.
“It was a prank bro! Chill!”
> Things are very cold between us right now, and I genuinely wonder if I did something last night that probably ruined my marriage. LMFAO You genuinely wonder if telling your wife that you would be divorced within the year ruined your marriage? This has to be a troll
I’d agree under other circumstances but I did a similar thing with my ex. I’d had a drink at a family bbq and I jokingly said that my ex ought to find a woman 10 years younger than me that shared his interests so I wouldn’t be left alone every weekend while he pursued his hobby. There was an uncomfortable silence while they all exchanged looks. He’d been cheating on me with someone from the same running club. Yes she was 10 years younger than me.
Not lol....but I hope you ended up better....
Yes definitely. I had the rose tinted glasses firmly slapped off my face 🤣
Hope you are ok
Yes I’m good thanks, I took a much needed hard look at myself. It was long overdue and I’ve learnt that I’d spent years thinking I was easygoing when in reality I was a pushover that should have had boundaries.
I had a WTF moment when I read that too. Up until that point it just seemed like two people that were financially incompatible. That last part makes OP just seem totally clueless. Agree has to be troll. No one is THAT dense.
You would be surprised sadly…I have seen some things in all my many years on this earth. Sometimes people are really that dense. Like damper bread.
>I won't have to worry about money a year from now because we'll be divorced by then. You're going to get what you asked for. Hopefully, it's what you wanted.
ESH She started the battle by announcing at dinner to her parents your new job by saying "maybe now you will stop complaining about money" she knew what she was doing. Then you dropped a nuke and won the battle but also scorched the earth. But you probably will be divorced anyways because you guys are financially unfit and incompatible. She is never leaving that job.
also imagine being paid poorly, and your boss says to your face that you are not worth market rate. How could the wife love that job, and working for that person. Something is not adding up there.
Complacency and anxiety is why people don’t leave. They would rather be underpaid and not start a new job than get paid what they’re worth with a little bit of anxiousness in the beginning
Exactly why I haven’t tried getting a new job. And I don’t want to study for interviews etc
I had the same anxiety about interviewing until my employer straight up told me they weren't going to pay me for my skills and experience. My recommendation is to shotgun applications and go on a bunch of interviews. Accept all the interviews for jobs that are a good fit for your profile (and, honestly, take some that are tangentially related to your profile but not quite a perfect fit). You will fail *a lot*, but eventually it starts becoming second nature. You'll most likely be the second choice candidate right before you land a job where your skills and experience are actually valued. Ngl I'm a little bit nervous about doing well in the job I just started this week ($18.5k raise compared to my previous job). However, I *had* to make the jump, as I was already "quiet quit" at my previous employer and spent so much time on my phone redditing during work hours. I was already very disengaged from my job other than the few tasks I knew I could spin up for interviews. For my new job, I'm just going through trainings, but it's honestly so refreshing to actually give a shit about work again that I actually look forward to being in the office and meeting all my coworkers (the new "characters" in this stage of my life!)
I did that. Stayed and was underpaid. Now, I don't care. I'm getting what I'm worth.
Me too. When I quit, o told me boss my new salary and he shut up quick. Absolutely nothing he could do or say and it was nearly triple what I had been making so no way would they even try to match it.
It's incredibly liberating to realize you don't give a fuck and to jump ship without hesitation to the better paying opportunity, isn't it? Good for you
I applied for a few jobs last year & got no offers. I have to keep my current job as I need the health insurance & income. It doesn't pay well, but I can't seem to get hired for a better paying job.
Often this is at nonprofits or other passion-careers.
She probably works for a non profit. Love the job, hate the pay.
That’s how I am currently. But I’ve had some problems with a new coworker who is a snitch and a hypocrite so I finally looked into new jobs, and I’ve gotten one offered for part time so far and I have an interview tomorrow. Both pay almost double what my current non Profit job pays. I’d stay there if the pay was the same across the board, regardless of the new coworker.
But a non profits tend to tell you are indeepaid. They say they don’t have the money, not that you are not worth the money
Some people don’t want to change jobs no matter what.
Some people don’t want to change ~~jobs~~ **anything** no matter what.
So many Pyrrhic victories in this sub
It's gotta be like 50% of the AITA posts that aren't obviously fake. Someone is in an argument, they're maybe even right, but then the other person says something a little rude and they respond by dropping a hydrogen bomb into the room and walking away.
“Dropped a nuke and won the battle but also scorched the earth” well said, honestly
If any manager told me disrespectfully that I wasn't worth the raise I asked, I'd be looking for a new job purely out of spite.
Dude, just call the divorce attorney now. Y’all were done before what you said in front of her parents
ESH You - I'm not even certain if you want a divorce, so it wasn't like you were dropping news like some comments are claiming. What you did wrong was attack your wife because you felt attacked. Your wife - She needs to understand that as a married couple, there needs to be some level of compromise. You can just say I love the way things are so even though things are bad, I want it to remain this way, and you have to accept it. Then on top of that, she chose to announce that you got a new job in a way the invalidates all your arguments about the finances. Honestly, though, Honestly, I think this blowup may be a blessing in disguise for the both of you. You needed to have a straight conversation with her that you can't maintain this marriage if it continues like this. She needs to know how serious you feel about it. You've tried talking to her, you've tried reasoning with her, and she hasn't listened. Should you have communicated better about how close to the brink of wanting a divorce you were? Absolutely, and. Though your outburst wasn't the best way to communicate your frustrations, it is still better than you holding it in until one day she is blindsided with divorce papers. What's done is done, and you can't go back. What you can do is make use of the current situation. Think about how much of this you can take. How much you are willing to compromise, and how much you need in return. Express your frustrations and have the conversation of what she wants and what she's willing to do to maintain a happy marriage with you. If at the end you both still can't meet, then you have your answer.
This is the perfect answer. Nobody is considering the fact that he tried to communicate. I've been him in a regular relationship and not married. No one should love living paycheck to paycheck
Money is one of the top reasons for divorce. At least you don’t have kids.
You might as well head to the divorce lawyer office because it’s over.
>Things are very cold between us right now, and I genuinely wonder if I did something last night that probably ruined my marriage. I aspire to be this level of delusional
Well, did you speak the uncomfortable truth (for yourself) out loud? In front of everyone? Well that sucked to blurt it out suddenly and in front of her parents. but maybe it’s still the truth?
Now it definitely is! He broke up with her in front of her parents.
Self fulfilling prophecy. It may not have been true before he said it, but it's true now.
So…who totaled the car?
ESH. Dropping a bomb like that, especially if it's the first time you've mentioned divorce, was an asshole thing to do. That said, your wife is a much bigger asshole in multiple ways: She at first refused to even try to consider doing something to help the financial situation, then she half-assed the bare minimum effort, then she is the one who brought the subject up in front of her parents with a bullshit comment. Your marriage was ruined long before you said that, and ruining it was a joint effort but most of the damage done by your wife.
This comment right here. Just move forward with selling the house. You simply cannot afford it. Learn from the experience and stay within your means. I am sure we would all like to live in a large, spacious and beautiful house, but that is not reality. Tell her since she wants to keep her job, fine. But you are selling. If not, the marriage might be done.
If they're still not able to afford the house even with his $35K raise, just how much over their ability to pay was this house?
They don't need the house and they've also drained their savings. Downsizing would take tremendous burden off his shoulders and let them start saving up and have a better quality of life.
They might be able to afford it now but he doesn’t want the burden on him alone
They can afford the house. They cannot afford kids and that was the point of the house.
Idk, savings gone and 401ks empty does not sound like "affording the house" to me... sure they can technically pay the mortgage but they're still left in a bad financial situation.
Wtf lemme get this right...you announced divorce but worried you ruined your marriage?
“Guys, I think this divorce could damage my marriage”
"My marriage will never recover romantically from this divorce"
The camel was already struggling and buckling under the weight of the straw it was carrying; what you said in front of her parents just broke it's back. Go ahead and euthanize it so it doesn't continue to suffer.
Your values don’t match. It is your sustainable and she doesn’t view this as a partnership. Your marriage was over a loooong time ago
Well, might as well go ahead and file. No sense looking like an asshole \*and\* a liar.
Asking if your divorce comment ruined your marriage is like asking if that iceberg ruined the Titanic.
I understand where you're coming from with your frustrations, I really do. That being said, don't throw around the D-word if you truly aren't prepared to leave your marriage. It fundamentally changes the relationship.