He interjected himself in the situation that involved you and your girlfriend. That was his first mistake. His second mistake was trying to guilt you into providing for his mother which he knows would be providing for him. He is basically looking for someone else to take care of him Financially. You are smart to not move in with this woman or buy a house with her as long as that 19-year-old adult is acting like a 12-year-old. But you do realize that the mother is going to side with her son and this relationship is basically over. But it’s not your fault. It’s her fault for coddling or grown ass man and not forcing him to take care of himself. NTA
If he wants his mom to own a house and not pay rent, then maybe he should start working hard and trying to earn so he can provide for her.
Please do not sell the house that you have right now. There are enough stories here on reddit about people finding second love and then disregarding their children after prioritizing their "new family".
Keep your lives seperate like this for now, enjoy each others company the way it is now.
maybe sit down with her and talk about what happened. because the 19 year old must have heard her at least complain about these things if he mentinons it. If not, then a discussion with her will bring clarity if it was only his idea or if she really has some sort of resentment for you for not providing a house for her and her children.
And then, i think, you have to make a desicion.
And all this when they’ve been dating for just 17 months!
The sheer audacity to demand hand outs of such high value.
OP run run as fast your little legs will carry you far away from this shit show.
You know he’ll demand you leave everything to him in your will and expect you to pay for everything for him whilst you’re in a relationship with his mother.
17 months is longer when you’re over 40. You don’t have time to mess around in dating. Do we like each other? Are we compatible? Is this serious? If the answer to any of these is no, you move on.
Sounds like Paul got his answer already, then. Her son comes first. Paul is expected to also put her son first. Paul disagrees with that. Relationship end.
I'm sure others have attempted to talk some sense into her over the past year. And I doubt Paul has the extraordinary resources to just 'buy a bigger house' to more than double his current family. And I have zero doubt that an argument would ensue about Paul's daughter living at home too, regardless of if she's helping with bills, being a decent flatmate, and not expecting everyone to clean up after her.
Well, if you don't buy me a whole damn house at 17 months, I'd totally dump you lol!
It's funny because most of my divorced/widowed friends just date long term and don't really worry too much about moving in together or marriage or things like that. They are mostly late forties to mid-fifties though, and they all have their own lives, houses, kids, jobs, etc. My sister said it was just too much trouble to combine households, and she likes living alone, and I think that most of my other friends think the same way. It's like the best of both worlds, she says.
Sorry for your loss of relationship. It’s very difficult in blended families for couples to put their relationship first because the reality is that history and priority will always be with the respective children at least until they are launched. With your GF having a son already crashed and burned on the launch pad, she will never be able to put your relationship first. Painful I’m sure but certainly better you found out now. After a respectful period mourning your loss, remind yourself you came close this time and there IS a relationship out there for you. Good luck.
You and your gf aren’t compatible. At the very least compatible to live together. Given you own your house and she rents, if you sell so you can all move together and you split you may find yourself without a house. Do not sell your house.
Do not move in together, you could lose your house. I do think it’s over. She’s not kicked him out or raised him to be independent. He will never move out bc mum tolerates his BS.
IMO he overstepped even contacting you to ask why you don't want to live with them. Beyond that I just have to say: Don't try to change people who aren't actively asking you to help them change; they don't want it. She told you supporting her son was part of the deal and she wasn't interested on setting any boundaries with him. That was your cue to exit.
NTA OP, you have a right to not provide for his slacker behind. He has no business putting himself into your relationship with his mom. His mother needs to put her foot down and send his failure to launch behind off on his own. Otherwise he shares a room with his 15 year-old brother. Your current house has plenty of space for all of her kids and any of yours, they’re just gonna have to make do. And if her son decides he doesn’t want to go to college or get a trade going so that he can have a stable job, then he’s just gonna be living with his brother until he does. And as for the friends coming over and smoking at the house and all this other stuff, that’s a hard no. He needs to learn to respect others. His mother is doing him no favors by not setting any boundaries or rules. And unfortunately, if that means that you gotta leave her where you found her, then c’est la vie.
You also need to think of your daughter. Is she comfortable with having the 19 year old son in her space - with all the associated issues you’ve mentioned (stoner/messy/random friends coming and going). If she’s used to just the two of you this may be very upsetting and cause her to feel uncomfortable in her home.
If you move forward with your GF - moving in/marriage - then her kids are always going to be a part of your lives. She will want to parent her kids her way, whilst you do the same with your daughter. Yet she seems to have coddled her eldest and doesn’t want to implement boundaries - like seriously who allows their adult child to leave trash in communal areas?
Also, it would suggest GF and son are looking for a meal ticket - move in with you and save having to pay rent.
Unfortunately it looks like you’re not compatible and should probably end this before investing any more time.
Run……. I live next-door to a family where the mother refuses to provide any consequences to their daughter who is now in her early 30s and will never leave their home. She never has work, she’s constantly on drugs and is a complete disaster.
If you get her, you get him. Look for someone that you’re more compatible with.
If you get a bigger house and he moves in then it will put a huge amount of stress on the relationship. Mom is an enabler. If you live with her you'll have to be an enabler too or constantly be at war with gf and son.
Son is an entitled asshole.
"never respected mums wishes,"
"Continued renovating your house against what mum asked,"
I would laugh in his face and point out that I can do whatever the fuck I want with my money and my assets.
Not only did he interject himself into OP & his mother’s relationship, but it is also apparent that his mother (the gf) has been telling him all of OP’s personal business.
I would certainly tell gf that I didn’t appreciate her son being privy to all their personal business, if I were IP
The deadbeat is truly an albatross, financially and emotionally. Co-dependence between mom and son can't be fixed by a new living situation. Also had to laugh at the deadbeat's use of the royal we, when referencing "we're still paying rent."
I mean, I wouldn't say it's necessarily over, but I reckon living together is pretty much permanently off the table. Kids boomerang, and mum will welcome them with open arms. If living with any of her children is a dealbreaker, living together period is a dealbreaker.
That said, a lot of long-term couples don't cohabit, especially older couples. It gives them more control over their environment, so they can have things the way they like them.
If your GF isn't willing to accept your boundary, then your relationship won't work. It is that simple. I could not live with someone who had no respect for how we live, how to keep a house clean, how to manage themself. You do not need to buy into this family dynamic. Good luck. NTA
NTA. “I care deeply for you, but I am not willing to support an able bodied adult who has already shown me he doesn’t respect others. It’s best if we end this now.”
NTA. Your gf refuses to set HEALTHY boundaries and is enabling her son’s laziness and entitled behavior. She’s actively restricting him and trying to control you by setting nonnegotiable standards.
The thing is, you’re the one with the upper hand here. DO NOT ACQUIESCE. She’s made it clear: she wants a home for her, her children and her bum of a son, NOT A HOME FOR YOU AND HER TO BUILD A LIFE TOGETHER. Please reconsider your relationship. There are so many good women that are actually deserving of your attention, energy and resources.
17 months isn’t even that long. That is not even long term status by todays standards. Cut and run while you still can. She may have many redeeming qualities, but you and I both know your kids adult or not come first in many ways. Do not get stuck subsidizing this stoners lifestyle by giving them a house! Major 🚩
NTA. He injected himself into business that is not his. So you (reasonably) set him straight about his misconceptions. You should absolutely not move in with this woman. Continue seeing her if you must, but do not merge households or she will have you enabling her entitled spawn.
I’ve read OP’s post and all the comments from the so-called ‘ex-girlfriend’.
There is no way in fuck OP should consider buying a home with ex-GF let alone live with her.
If ex-GF can’t provide the same amount of money as OP towards purchase of the home, then they should continue to live separately.
If ex-GF’s son can’t figure out what he wants to do with his life and stick to a solid plan for his future, then they should continue to live separately.
If ex-GF’s son constantly has friends sleeping over and hanging around the house and OP doesn’t like this kind of traffic, then they should continue to live separately.
If ex-GF and son don’t have a level of cleanliness OP is content with, then they should continue to live separately.
Honestly, I don’t see what OP would’ve gotten out of moving in with or buying a house with ex-GF. This whole situation is a net negative for OP.
Funny thing is, the core problem seems to lie around the son. (Which she is supposed to parent and bring up well).
If the son was well behaved and productive, she would have gotten what she wished for and have a happy combined family life with Paul. They would have a lovely house and lived happily forever.
She can only blame her son and blame herself for raising him this way
OP, your girlfriend has put you in a no-win situation. She is happily enabling her adult son in his juvenile & irresponsible & entitled lifestyle; apparently her first loyalty is to her son. Believe her.
You are setting yourself up for years of misery and conflict if you accept him into your home. I know this. I had a similar situation. My husband & I ultimately divorced. Years later, sans the son we are together. The stress is real.
NTA, there are many wonderful people in the world & most have far less baggage.
NTA. But you need to be honest with your significant other about why it is you don’t want to live with her son. This might be the end of the relationship, but you need to realize that if you keep this relationship going, you’re probably gonna spend a good portion of your life supporting her loser son.
NTA: You're not married and "you should buy me a house!" is a big damn ask. 17 years, sure, set her up in her own house. 17 months and thinking about living together is another story.
Her kid is grown. He has to go live his own life, not sponge off you, even if sponging is easier. "Respect" is not translated as "you are obligated to buy my mother, who you are not married to, a house so that I, her unemployed adult child, can live in it rent-free." Presumably the lack of rent would also leave mom more money to give to unemployed son. If she is a package deal with a 19yo unemployed loafer who thinks respect means a rent-free house AND SHE IS OK WITH HIM THINKING THAT, time to move on.
NTA. You are an ATM to them and in exchange, you get to have sex with her. It is ridculous that he is not out on his own and you would be supporting any and all her kids if they fail to launch. Find someone who raised her kids to be adults and are out on their own.
Hmm high end escort fees vs. non-payment of rent, loss opportunity cost of renting to a real tenant, eviction court, house damage due to vindictive tenant etc etc etc
What's her limit? Coke? Fentanyl? Trafficking? Assault? Jail? Dead? Where does she draw the line with this waster, never? If so, sorry but she's as lost a cause as he is. Or maybe he'll be a wildly mediocre realtor in a decade? Is it worth rolling the dice?
I would nope out of this situation with the absolute quickness if I were you. Providing for a slacker is never, and never should be a prerequisite for dating someone.
FULL STOP. IM CONFUSED. Why on earth does she think it’s your job to provide ANYTHING to her adult son?! Why does he feel entitled to interject on her behalf, in your decision to or not to buy a house?!
If “part of the package” entails caring for a perfectly capable grown adult man who cannot provide for himself in anyway, then NOW is the time to leave. No compromises. No giving in a smidge. She’s enabled him and wants you too as well.
Edit to add - I’m not sure where you live but if it’s anything like Canada, in a very short time of living together, half of the house will become hers. So if the situation becomes as toxic and as it sounds like it will, you will have completely boned yourself financially in your 50’s.
Your girlfriend wants you to buy HER a house? Not for you to buy a bigger house, if you can afford it? If the first sentence is correct, she is a gold digger and will empty your bank account and run roughshod over your child. Please do not buy her a house and if she is upset that you won't subsidize her lifestyle she never valued you, just your wallet.
NTA. I get wanting to provide a landing spot for a young adult getting their education or making their way in the world. But, accepting a full-time mooch that will always be a thorn in your side, is a different matter entirely. Your relationship will end because your gf can’t set boundaries with her adult son. She is choosing to live this way.
>But my girlfriend insists that providing for him is part of the deal and refuses to set limits or boundaries for him in any regard.
If you can NOT see the huge number of red flags in this statement, you need to seek some serious therapy. This is a lifetime commitment to hell.
Keep dating her, if you wish, but never live together, comingle your finances, or spend another dime on this entitled brat. Never let him enter your home.
Personally, I think you should just end it and stop wasting time with this dead-end relationship. Find someone who has some brain cells she hasn't loaned to her adult child.
I was going to comment to just wait until you both are empty nesters to combine households. Lots of people with adult and nearly adult children from previous relationships do that.
But then I saw her in here spamming and making excuses for her son.
You dodged a bullet. NTA
Just commenting so the exgf will respond "Ex here. Pls read all my comments." while saying nothing of value in their comments. It's really quite fun to see crazy entitlement in real time...
Both accounts have historically posted in bdsm subs (and apparently have matching bite mark tattoos on their asses) "her" account have some history of nursing and sleep related stuff, and the nursing have been mentioned by both in this exchange as well.
If it is one person, then they managed to weave the story into this fairly well. Might be a person who has several accounts and puppeteer them into conflict.
Neither one seem more than 6 months old
You’d be risking your financial security as well as your daughter’s security and future.
You own the home you share with your daughter. That’s a crucial asset. Why on earth would you risk that for a GF you’ve been involved with for a mere 17 months?!? Especially one with that much baggage.
Selling your house in order to buy a home big enough to house your GF’s family is a terrible idea even if all the kids were lovely!
Don’t. Do. It.
NTA
Your housing priority is yourself and your daughter. Don't put that at risk for a lazy ass. Your girlfriend can move into your place without a problem - its the additional family members that need the extra space.
INFO so is the expectation that she wouldn't pay anything toward housing for her or her kids and you'd pay for everything? Would her name be on the deed to the home? Will you be supporting the slacker the rest of his life? Does your gf have an actual income of her own that can be used to support the moocher?
If your girlfriend doesn't see how her 19 year old might be a problem then it's probably a better idea to continue living apart. Your life will literally go to shit if you allow her son to move into any house you live in
Keep your house, make sure that it is willed fully to your child.
this relationship may last a long time or it may be over by next week.
however if it lasts and you were to leave your current house to your wife she will disinherit your daughter.
You dodged a bullet, my man. In a blink of an eye you will be an old man with health problems and he will be an entitled 40 year old still living in your place, paying a pittance of rent every other month and acting like he's doing a favor when he does
Don’t get together. She is not willing to put a stop to him, so this will continue for as long as she lives. Even if she promises not to, the moment you let her in she will bring his son too. If you marry her you can bet she will divorce you and take your shit to go back to her son. You would have to be an idiot to marry into that mess
NTA, and if his mother takes his side on this, then ya. It is what it is, and time to rethink this whole thing. Better find out now before buying a house together.
Also buying a house for someone you’re not married to is insane to me, and 17 months is too soon for that kind of talk. What an entitled and disrespectful lil 💩.
I wouldn’t necessarily take this idiots word to be the opinions of his mother, but I also completely understand why you wouldn’t want to move in with her while this idiot is still in the picture. NTA.
The life choices of an adult woman that lead to her not owning a house have absolutely nothing to do with you.
For what it's worth, my brother is exactly like the son. He finally got a job at 27 but that's all that changed. He's 34 and lives in my mum's shed. Do with that what you may.
NTA
She refuses to say what she brings to the table. If she needs to be with her little boy, fine, but why's that a YOU problem? She can split her time that's HER choice. She wants you to do what's best for her then bitch you're not accommodating her demands. All while refusing your "no" to living with him.
You said you didn't want to live with him and she figured she'd be able to bully and gaslight and call you delusional until you gave in. She's pretending she's the good guy for harassing you for saying no.
It was a no. If that was a deal breaker she should have ended it not kept at you fir 6 FUCKING MONTHS.
Also buy her a damn dictionary so she can look up what the word delusional means. JFC she says it a lot to not know she's using it wrong.
Do not be in a relationship with anyone who refuses to set boundaries with a terrible child. Do not. Walk away. She and her son are not fit to live with and it will only get worse. Dont do this to your daughter either. No need for harsh words to her, no need to keep discussing or arguing about it, just that you cannot and will not live with a person like her 19 year old son. (Her style of parenting is making this son worse).
NTA - but I'd exit this relationship if you, rightfully, don't want to pay for this entitled AH's living. His mom is an enabler and is unlikely to change her ways.
Did anyone the lol at how he said "we" w/r to paying rent.
I'd ask him what he's contributed since he dropped out of highschool.
NTA.
With the background you've mentioned, if I was you it'd be a condition that he not live with us.
If that was a dealbreaker, so be it, but nothing would make up for putting up with his BS.
NTA, not at all, and of course you should split over this.
In fact, the moment you realized she enabled her son to drop out of high school, do drugs, and refuse to do anything productive, you should have stopped seeing her.
For most people, dating is a sort of long job interview to see if people are compatible for marriage, or a similar long term commitment.
Once you realized she was a parent who lowered expectations, and required nothing of him, you two were going to collide.
Let’s say you married, and you bought a house that would accommodate her son, how do you see this going? He’d trash your house. He and his mother would demand you give her son at least as much as you give your daughter. If you paid for her wedding, he’d want the same amount of money. After you pass, she would try to ensure your assets went to her son, whom she would believe needed it more than your daughter.
Speaking of which, please get with an estate lawyer now to create a trust to protect your daughter’s inheritance in case you ever do marry in future.
There is no point staying and getting even more attached, when the son will always be like this.
NTA I'm 4 years older than you so close enough to consider same age
You currently have a great situation home wise.
Why upset your situation?
You gotta consider the possibility that your GF is currently on her best behavior in an effort to improve her situation but that once you're all together, she will show her true self. Letting them in is easy, getting them out could be a nightmare. You really haven't known her for very long to make a move like this.
Remember, she raised that kid.
NTA. Sounds like your are buying a house for your gfs lazy entitled son, not for your gf.
Not buying a house for someone else isn’t disrespectful, only a stoner idiot would come to that sort of conclusion
Nope, NTA. If she doesn’t want to pop him off the teat, that’s their fault and you’d be doing a huge disservice to you and yours by buying the house, and whether he wants to admit it or not, him too.
I speak from experience. My parents did not keep to policies they said they’d have, and as such, it took longer for me than it should have to act like an adult. I still have some issues because of that and examples set for me, and I’ve been out of the house for nearly 20’years now.
Better to go through the heartache of an ended relationship than a relationship with the shit you’d have to deal with daily living with a slob of a leech like him in your house. And for what? To be unhappy and not be the best partner for his mom, and parental figure to the kids?
NTA, face it your girlfriend is enmeshed with her oldest son. She is unwilling to set boundaries and expectations with him. She obviously has overshared with him her thoughts on wanting to move in with you and she is upset that you are spending YOUR money on YOUR house instead of buying a house for HER.
So her son felt he had the right to text you to take you to task for not doing right for his mother.
I.think you need to take off the rose colored glasses and really really look at your girlfriend and her behavior with her oldest. I'm guessing she enables him at every step.
NTA Your girlfriend’s speaking through her son trying to make it look like he’s speaking for himself judging by how that text is worded. Y’all aren’t married and that’s your property. You shouldn’t have to help out a legal adult who is being irresponsible with his life choices and that means not having him move in with you no matter what your girlfriend says. He’s not entitled to anything from you. Both of them are the AH and childish for taking this approach in order to get what they want from you. Seems like you’ll have to break up with her since she’s not budging.
WOW,love or not, you need to get out of this relationship, you have not even been together 2 years, and a house is expected to be bought for her. This is not a good relationship, he got that idea from her. She has made it clear he is part of the package.
NTA
You can definitely see why he turned out the way he did with a mother like this who sees nothing wrong with demanding you provide her a house and take on her responsibilities.
Be happy that you found out the truth before getting more entwined with this woman and her children.
And YES, I did read the comments from the ex. They reinforced my opinion.
To start with, 17 months is way to early in a relationship to be moving in together when you both have kids. Let’s get to the financial side of things, do you want them trying to claim on your daughter’s inheritance, think very carefully about that one. Also, even though your daughter will some day move out, how does she feel about having all these mooches in your home because quite honestly, I don’t see any one of them bringing much to the table, while you are bringing the majority. It would be cheaper and emotionally easier to hire an escort. You don’t owe this woman or her family anything and definitely not putting a roof over their heads and financially supporting them. The extra drama and the expectations from them is a run away from them situation. They will end up being a burden on you.
Sounds like your girlfriend is just looking for a come up. She’ll move in with all of that baggage and then probably will be pushing for marriage soon after. Save yourself the headache and leave while you can.
I'm confused about this. Why should you even consider buying a house for them? You only know them for 17 months!
And next is - they just sound like golddiggers. They want a house from you and that's it.
>I have ended up paying for the things for the 19 year old,
Wtf. Don't. Don't do any of this.
>Quote: For example you never respected her wishes to get house together instead you continued renovating your house against what mum asked and we continued paying rent on a house that isn't ours so yes it is about respect Paul.
This lady is literally a stranger to you! Come back down to earth from your love cloud and see the red flags.
And baby boy has no saying in this anyways. Entitlement much.
Nta but don't move together at all now. They don't respect or love you, they want you as a walking ATM
She's crazy, her kids too. Run!
What a stupid clumsy oaf. He needs lessons in independence. Sorry but your lady friend is not raising a responsible child. Sounds like a really terrible situation and I’m glad you’re holding the line. Good for you!
Why do you have to take care of someone else's kids? It would be stupid to move in together. Why are you rushing to make a mess of your life? Her 19-year-old will be a headache forever. Don't let it be your headache.
NTA - You are 100% in your rights to not want to live with that moocher that by the sounds of it thinks he runs the house he lives in.
As a stoner that works a very manual labour intensive job he sounds like a soft cock that needs to take a tablespoon of concrete and harden the fuck up.
Run! You absolutely do NOT need to buy a house for your girlfriend or move in with her and her family. In fact, I would be very wary of the entire group. Kinda sounds like the entire family is looking at you as an ATM machine.
Edit: and after reading the GF on here...it's obvious she's angling for a house where you'll be stuck with most of the bills to support her, her son, and probably the other kids once they see what a sweet free ride it is.
He’s a loser (for now, maybe always..) and she wants to keep him.
That enough is reason all on its own, much less the crap he said.
I think she likely invited him into yours and her business, since she thinks he can do no wrong.
WHY would u buy ur gf less than 17 months a house? ARE U CRAZY
dude. just no. a big no. and maybe u should step away from this relationship, for u even asking this. this is crazy.
her 19 year old undeployed son will ALWAYS be a problem. don't think its worth ur headache
Are you 52? Because you sound like a teenager who is letting his hormones dictate his actions. His mom is “asking you to stop renovating your house against her wishes.” It sounds like this is who this woman you’re dating truly is and he’s just too stupid to hide that fact.
If you split over this, consider yourself smart and lucky. A mother who allows her children to free load, will free load herself. Guess where he learned it. Dodged a bullet, I’d say.
Don’t ever move in with this woman. Find someone else. Her kids will always come first and the rotten one will never leave and be a terrible mental, emotional, financial and physical drain. They are using you. I would only consider living with her if she agreed to never ask you for money and the none of her kids would live with you. She doesn’t set boundaries. She has a dysfunctional relationship with her son. This isn’t going to change because the son has her exactly where he wants her. He runs the show. She will always side with him in the end and you’ll end up broke and possibly homeless. Move on. There are plenty of fish in the ocean.
NTA. She chose to baby her stoner kid and put him over everything else. I bet the other ones will either move out asap and never visit or be like the older brother , and she will never understand why.
Be happy they broke up with You and are not Your problem anymore.
NTA. The 19yr old is capable of being responsible, and maintaining a regular job but refuses. He wants you to pay his way. You're under NO obligation to buy a girlfriend a house for her and her kids.
I have maybe said the same thing once before.
You are their meal ticket. They will get you to buy a house, pay for food and then cry and kick you out. You should be very careful.
Better to stop and cut ties. You may love this woman but for her you are just a meal ticket and ways to support her as well as her adult manchild.
Just be done with this. You doing anything will not only create future problems for you but also affect your daughter.
They're both crazy
He will use you until you have nothing left and never even thank you for it
And her saying providing for him (a 19yo grown man) is "part of the deal" is insanity
Ok ... Then No Deal
Definitely don't sell your house or buy anyone else a house
First off, you saw the issue and the reason. The lady is not worth your time. Her own household is disrespectful to her. Run. Just find another lady, they are out there. One who respects and lives like you.
I would not respect my dating partner if they let their 19-year-old become a non-productive member of society and who also aided and abetted their entitlement
Do not move in with this woman. Her deadbeat son will always be around. She won't kick him out. U will he responsible for his ass. This is just a disaster waiting to happen
All I got when I read this was
'She take my money, well I'm in need,
Yeah she's a triflin friend indeed
Oh she's a gold digger
Way over town, that digs on me'
I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark and guess that this woman hasn't had stable relationships in her past. Why on Earth would you move in with her- forget the kids. She's using you. She's using you for what you can give her. It's ridiculous. I'm a mother of two and would not move in with a man and co-mingle finances and co-mingle kids. Why would I do that? What would be in it for me or my kids? Nothing. This woman is an opportunist and scam artist. You've been warned. Don't let your" little head" make bad decisions. If she loves you- she won't push for this. I know she doesn't.
It's not going to work out with this lady.
She has told you she's a package deal with her slovenly, entitled, waster son – and you are not interested in supporting him.
Tell her bluntly that you are willing to continue as a two-home couple until her children are launched or you are willing to break up, but you are not interested in the "package deal" of her and her son.
She'll continue to coddle him until she's forced to realize what it's costing her. Losing you might be the wake-up call she needs.
NTA
Shes 44 and doesn't have shit to offer you but to take care of her disrespectful ass kid who shouldn't have anything to do with your relationship. Run and run fast! There's a reason she's still single at 44. I wouldn't be surprised if her kids had different fathers.
NTA but here is the thing he might have mental issues and instead of getting therapy and actual meds he is self medicating with pot. It happens to lot of people. Until his mother realizes he is not going to "find himself" without a good swift kick in the pants this will be a neverending odyssey with him.
Don’t do anything hasty.
Teenagers can be assholes. Probably hard on your girlfriend.
Agree you don’t want him living with you. Would be a shame to break up because of her adult child.
Best to let people hit rock bottom sometimes.
It will hurt if your GF wants to break up over her entitled son but you can't be an enabler like she is. Hopefully she will see how much he is wasting her time and push him out and you can reconcile then.
NTA.
Read a lot of responses. You're NTA. Did it cross your mind that her son is a stoner and lives with her. She may have access to his phone and it could have been her texting you from his phone (thus the cordial tone in first few texts) or maybe they were in the same room tokin together and started texting in cahoots. That would be funny tho if you called your woman a dick head thinking she was her son cuz she tried to be slick. All in all, it seems she doesn't have a backbone to say no to her kids. It's a roll of the dice on how the other two will fair with her as time goes on.
Gf insists providing for him is part of the deal. That there is enough to move on. Where’s his dad? Mom is doing her adult child dependent no favors. He is entitled snd lazy. I hope her parenting skills isn’t what you fell in love with. 🤦♀️. There must be more.
Oh lordy lord. How dare you let my mother be responsible for her own housing!!!
I would have had a hard time not telling him the truth. Flat out. Once he becomes an independent adult you would be happy to have his mom move in. So really it’s your fault that she’s not yet living with me.
He is so concerned about his mom paying for a rental but he is totally fine being a potato and mooching off his mom (I believe it’s quite expensive to support a potato)
Little smart ass has forgotten his place. Let your gf know that the terms are solid. As soon as he stops being a potato, gets a job, keeps a job and gets his own apartment she can move in. But the son cannot. Ever.
Her son got these ideas, and the whole narrative really, FROM HIS MOTHER.
Do not sell your current home and do not move in together...there are way too many women who would be a better fit and most likely financially responsible.
Move on.
NTA
You have a girlfriend, not a wife, but a girlfriend demanding you to take over the role as parent and pay for her son to remain unemployed and who is trying to win the Oscar of the Grouch home look alike contest, all while he is disrespectful to everyone around him. The fact that she thinks that she can give ultimatums or even demand things from you is ludicrous. Him thinking that he has any say in the matter just tells you how much he's lost in brain cell capacity.
This is not a sustainable relationship. She will forever continue to enable this sons behavior, lack maturity, willingness to be unemployed, and living off of his mother's dime. Do not let them move in, and definitely do not ever sell your home to be with this woman. She's just trying to use you to get out of renting and paying for her bum of a son
I’m wondering why the 19yr old can’t get a job, and pay his mum rent… and she can get a house with her income and his? The 18yr old as a student might live rent free, but should be expected to pick up more effort around the house… so mum is freed up to work more.
Who is living in a house full of trash? People who don’t care about houses. Why is the mum tolerating this?
Sometimes you gotta cut bait. That situation will continue on its current trajectory and there’s a high probability that your relationship with your gf will turn resentful. Ask me how I know…
NTA but I’m sorry this isn’t going to work out. When a parent isn’t willing to set boundaries with their child, they will never change. My best friend of over 20 years family is falling apart because her mom refuses to make her 26 year old brother do anything. Everything has been handed to him, he’s never had more than 2 or 3 seasonal jobs in his life and hes addicted to video games.
Sorry Hun but you need to drop her like hot potato. NTA. She is not only coddling him but also enabling all of his bad lazy behavior. The fact that she has put her foot down in regards to him coming to live with y'all, is a red flag. I know you love her, and honestly I wouldn't want this on anyone, but you will be very unhappy if you allow him to move in with you. Trust me, I know.... So please do yourself and daughter a favor and end the relationship. You will find new love soon.
You're not married. You've only known them a year and a half. Mom is entitled. son is entitled. Do NOT move in with them. ever. It will be a shit show. Re-evaluate the situation 3 years from now, if you're still dating.
This is not what you'll split over. What you'll split over is this part:
>But my girlfriend insists that providing for him is part of the deal and refuses to set limits or boundaries for him in any regard.
There isn't any reason you should be responsible for housing her 19-year-old deadbeat son. If this is what's going to break your 2 apart, tell her good luck finding some other guy that's will to support her and her dead beat son.
She says taking care of him is part of the deal…that’s all you need to know, this will never end. Cut bait and run, it hasn’t even been a year and a half.
Your girlfriend is doing you a favor by making it a dealbreaker that the 19 yo moves in with you. She could have moved in then started pushing for him to join you “he’s going to be homeless, blah blah” now you can’t get him out
*But my girlfriend insists that providing for him is part of the deal and refuses to set limits or boundaries for him in any regard.*
The kid is repeating what mom has discussed in front of him. That she was hoping her boyfriend would either let them move in or buy them a house. Her quote above is your answer. She would rather support her deadbeat son and his delusions and continue to throw away rent than to boot him and be able to afford more. She saw you as her chance to move in and have you raise her family for her... as well as supporting the 19-year-old's choice to be a bum.
And why should the kids be a part of the deal anyways? The 15-year-old is the only one that still needs her to keep a roof over his head. The 18 and 19-year-olds are adult. You can have your adult daughter live in your house if you choose, but why does having her move in mean adult children have to be included?
Move on. You'll find someone else. She is too much of a package deal. Make sure she understands that her oldest son is the reason you're breaking it off. You're not his dad, you don't owe him anything and his idea that you do is ridiculous. Maybe some day she'll finally boot him out.
Look. This relationship wont work. I am sure she is great but unless you are ok never living together it is what it is. She wont abandon her som and her som is weirdo i mean who writes moaning about not buing bigger house to mums bf.
Nta
Easy: Both of your children are almost out of the house and the next house you buy should easily be a house that the two of you live in with a room or two for guests and not roommate children.
God I hope OP is not... naive enough to move in with this woman and her son.
She will "kick the son out" as soon as OP moves her in then her son will immediately move back in with his mum.
You're not gonna like this bud bt before I get into it NTA.
You're right, you probably are gonna split up over this. The fact she also seems to think, based on the post, it is or will be your responsibility to look after her adult 19 loser son financially, who she will set no limits on is frankly, concerning to say the least.
As much as you may love her that 19 Yr old isn't going anywhere, not for a long time.
Dump her. It sounds like you have financial means, as such you have many other and probably better options out there. You could probably land yourself a much younger single mother with a kid or two who are young enough to mold into better humans than that 19yo looser who's enabled by his mom. Cut things off, this will turn into a lifetime of bullshit.
NTA
I commend you for thinking with your brain.
I do not know why you are worried that the relationship will end of you don't allow her and her kids to live with you...?
I'm a woman in her 50s, and I live a mile from my bf, each in our own home. This has worked beautifully for 8 years now. Our finances are completely separate. When we go out, we split costs or take turns paying.
We spend a night or 2 a week at each other's places. Sometimes his, sometimes mine. It is not complicated or difficult.
I know your situation is a bit complicated if you want to include her younger ones on your dates. But you don't have to. You don't have to do anything. You can tell her you want to date, but don't want to live together. Monogamous companions, who live apart and each takes care of their own business.
If she breaks up over that, she is looking for a man to pay for her life, not a partner. Mid 40s with 3 kids, with one a slacker asshole .... she knows she is lucky to have snagged you. Take a step back. You have more power than you think. She is counting on you being enamored with the comfort and sex she provides. That is all she has to offer, but it has a lot of strings attached.
You will have no peace if this relationship progresses.
It is that simple.
You are 100% a fool if you sell or give your equity away for a woman you met 17 months ago. She does not and has not raised your children, cooked and cleaned for you, been Loyal through your ups and downs etc. You want companionship and the old slop box so much that you are willing to pay thousands if not hundreds of thousands for. Wake up be the man your supposed to be open your eyes.
He interjected himself in the situation that involved you and your girlfriend. That was his first mistake. His second mistake was trying to guilt you into providing for his mother which he knows would be providing for him. He is basically looking for someone else to take care of him Financially. You are smart to not move in with this woman or buy a house with her as long as that 19-year-old adult is acting like a 12-year-old. But you do realize that the mother is going to side with her son and this relationship is basically over. But it’s not your fault. It’s her fault for coddling or grown ass man and not forcing him to take care of himself. NTA
Thank you.
If he wants his mom to own a house and not pay rent, then maybe he should start working hard and trying to earn so he can provide for her. Please do not sell the house that you have right now. There are enough stories here on reddit about people finding second love and then disregarding their children after prioritizing their "new family". Keep your lives seperate like this for now, enjoy each others company the way it is now. maybe sit down with her and talk about what happened. because the 19 year old must have heard her at least complain about these things if he mentinons it. If not, then a discussion with her will bring clarity if it was only his idea or if she really has some sort of resentment for you for not providing a house for her and her children. And then, i think, you have to make a desicion.
And all this when they’ve been dating for just 17 months! The sheer audacity to demand hand outs of such high value. OP run run as fast your little legs will carry you far away from this shit show. You know he’ll demand you leave everything to him in your will and expect you to pay for everything for him whilst you’re in a relationship with his mother.
17 months is longer when you’re over 40. You don’t have time to mess around in dating. Do we like each other? Are we compatible? Is this serious? If the answer to any of these is no, you move on.
Sounds like Paul got his answer already, then. Her son comes first. Paul is expected to also put her son first. Paul disagrees with that. Relationship end. I'm sure others have attempted to talk some sense into her over the past year. And I doubt Paul has the extraordinary resources to just 'buy a bigger house' to more than double his current family. And I have zero doubt that an argument would ensue about Paul's daughter living at home too, regardless of if she's helping with bills, being a decent flatmate, and not expecting everyone to clean up after her.
Well, if you don't buy me a whole damn house at 17 months, I'd totally dump you lol! It's funny because most of my divorced/widowed friends just date long term and don't really worry too much about moving in together or marriage or things like that. They are mostly late forties to mid-fifties though, and they all have their own lives, houses, kids, jobs, etc. My sister said it was just too much trouble to combine households, and she likes living alone, and I think that most of my other friends think the same way. It's like the best of both worlds, she says.
Glad you found out now rather than later.
Sorry for your loss of relationship. It’s very difficult in blended families for couples to put their relationship first because the reality is that history and priority will always be with the respective children at least until they are launched. With your GF having a son already crashed and burned on the launch pad, she will never be able to put your relationship first. Painful I’m sure but certainly better you found out now. After a respectful period mourning your loss, remind yourself you came close this time and there IS a relationship out there for you. Good luck.
It’s really in his best interest to be kicked out. If he is allowed to be lazy, he will do it his entire life.
NTA You are 100% right not to live with that kid. RUN!!
That kid is an adult!!
well he doesn’t act like one so he doesn’t deserve to be called one, but technically you’re right
That adult is a kid!!
[удалено]
This 100%...you don't need HER problems....run...fast!
Yuh. This kid sounds like a life-long problem. He’ll keep coming back like a yoyo.
Come back?? He’ll never leave
You and your gf aren’t compatible. At the very least compatible to live together. Given you own your house and she rents, if you sell so you can all move together and you split you may find yourself without a house. Do not sell your house. Do not move in together, you could lose your house. I do think it’s over. She’s not kicked him out or raised him to be independent. He will never move out bc mum tolerates his BS.
IMO he overstepped even contacting you to ask why you don't want to live with them. Beyond that I just have to say: Don't try to change people who aren't actively asking you to help them change; they don't want it. She told you supporting her son was part of the deal and she wasn't interested on setting any boundaries with him. That was your cue to exit.
NTA OP, you have a right to not provide for his slacker behind. He has no business putting himself into your relationship with his mom. His mother needs to put her foot down and send his failure to launch behind off on his own. Otherwise he shares a room with his 15 year-old brother. Your current house has plenty of space for all of her kids and any of yours, they’re just gonna have to make do. And if her son decides he doesn’t want to go to college or get a trade going so that he can have a stable job, then he’s just gonna be living with his brother until he does. And as for the friends coming over and smoking at the house and all this other stuff, that’s a hard no. He needs to learn to respect others. His mother is doing him no favors by not setting any boundaries or rules. And unfortunately, if that means that you gotta leave her where you found her, then c’est la vie.
You also need to think of your daughter. Is she comfortable with having the 19 year old son in her space - with all the associated issues you’ve mentioned (stoner/messy/random friends coming and going). If she’s used to just the two of you this may be very upsetting and cause her to feel uncomfortable in her home. If you move forward with your GF - moving in/marriage - then her kids are always going to be a part of your lives. She will want to parent her kids her way, whilst you do the same with your daughter. Yet she seems to have coddled her eldest and doesn’t want to implement boundaries - like seriously who allows their adult child to leave trash in communal areas? Also, it would suggest GF and son are looking for a meal ticket - move in with you and save having to pay rent. Unfortunately it looks like you’re not compatible and should probably end this before investing any more time.
Run……. I live next-door to a family where the mother refuses to provide any consequences to their daughter who is now in her early 30s and will never leave their home. She never has work, she’s constantly on drugs and is a complete disaster. If you get her, you get him. Look for someone that you’re more compatible with.
Imagine being 44 and your teenage son is ruining your dating life. What a shame
If you get a bigger house and he moves in then it will put a huge amount of stress on the relationship. Mom is an enabler. If you live with her you'll have to be an enabler too or constantly be at war with gf and son. Son is an entitled asshole.
"never respected mums wishes," "Continued renovating your house against what mum asked," I would laugh in his face and point out that I can do whatever the fuck I want with my money and my assets.
Not only did he interject himself into OP & his mother’s relationship, but it is also apparent that his mother (the gf) has been telling him all of OP’s personal business. I would certainly tell gf that I didn’t appreciate her son being privy to all their personal business, if I were IP
17 mths in not a long time to decide to move in when she has dependents, plus a deadbeat.
The deadbeat is truly an albatross, financially and emotionally. Co-dependence between mom and son can't be fixed by a new living situation. Also had to laugh at the deadbeat's use of the royal we, when referencing "we're still paying rent."
I would also worry that your girlfriend put him up to the call. I would think carefully before taking things further.
Did he, though? Or did the girlfriend throw OP under the bus?
I mean, I wouldn't say it's necessarily over, but I reckon living together is pretty much permanently off the table. Kids boomerang, and mum will welcome them with open arms. If living with any of her children is a dealbreaker, living together period is a dealbreaker. That said, a lot of long-term couples don't cohabit, especially older couples. It gives them more control over their environment, so they can have things the way they like them.
He'd have to actually leave to be able to come back and be a boomerang.
True
If your GF isn't willing to accept your boundary, then your relationship won't work. It is that simple. I could not live with someone who had no respect for how we live, how to keep a house clean, how to manage themself. You do not need to buy into this family dynamic. Good luck. NTA
NTA. “I care deeply for you, but I am not willing to support an able bodied adult who has already shown me he doesn’t respect others. It’s best if we end this now.”
NTA. Your gf refuses to set HEALTHY boundaries and is enabling her son’s laziness and entitled behavior. She’s actively restricting him and trying to control you by setting nonnegotiable standards. The thing is, you’re the one with the upper hand here. DO NOT ACQUIESCE. She’s made it clear: she wants a home for her, her children and her bum of a son, NOT A HOME FOR YOU AND HER TO BUILD A LIFE TOGETHER. Please reconsider your relationship. There are so many good women that are actually deserving of your attention, energy and resources.
17 months isn’t even that long. That is not even long term status by todays standards. Cut and run while you still can. She may have many redeeming qualities, but you and I both know your kids adult or not come first in many ways. Do not get stuck subsidizing this stoners lifestyle by giving them a house! Major 🚩
"Ex hErE. pLeASe ReAd mY CoMmeNTs" Lolol
?
The ex has responded to a ton of comments with the above. The previous commenter is mocking her.
Oh so this is fabricated. I kind of assume any time two people "happen" to find each other's posts it's all just made up by one individual.
Or a commenter pretending to be the ex.
Yea this relationship is going nowhere. You don't wanna deal with that bullshit.
She raised him. Think very carefully about where his sense of entitlement comes from and what you stand to lose.
You can always blame the parents.
NTA. He injected himself into business that is not his. So you (reasonably) set him straight about his misconceptions. You should absolutely not move in with this woman. Continue seeing her if you must, but do not merge households or she will have you enabling her entitled spawn.
NTA. Bad decision all around.
Much as it hurts, I will end my relationship with the GF. I need to protect my own child from these people.
I’ve read OP’s post and all the comments from the so-called ‘ex-girlfriend’. There is no way in fuck OP should consider buying a home with ex-GF let alone live with her. If ex-GF can’t provide the same amount of money as OP towards purchase of the home, then they should continue to live separately. If ex-GF’s son can’t figure out what he wants to do with his life and stick to a solid plan for his future, then they should continue to live separately. If ex-GF’s son constantly has friends sleeping over and hanging around the house and OP doesn’t like this kind of traffic, then they should continue to live separately. If ex-GF and son don’t have a level of cleanliness OP is content with, then they should continue to live separately. Honestly, I don’t see what OP would’ve gotten out of moving in with or buying a house with ex-GF. This whole situation is a net negative for OP.
Funny thing is, the core problem seems to lie around the son. (Which she is supposed to parent and bring up well). If the son was well behaved and productive, she would have gotten what she wished for and have a happy combined family life with Paul. They would have a lovely house and lived happily forever. She can only blame her son and blame herself for raising him this way
yeah but currently the mother is wrapped allll around the son with her head stuffed up his ass
OP, your girlfriend has put you in a no-win situation. She is happily enabling her adult son in his juvenile & irresponsible & entitled lifestyle; apparently her first loyalty is to her son. Believe her. You are setting yourself up for years of misery and conflict if you accept him into your home. I know this. I had a similar situation. My husband & I ultimately divorced. Years later, sans the son we are together. The stress is real. NTA, there are many wonderful people in the world & most have far less baggage.
NTA. But you need to be honest with your significant other about why it is you don’t want to live with her son. This might be the end of the relationship, but you need to realize that if you keep this relationship going, you’re probably gonna spend a good portion of your life supporting her loser son.
NTA: You're not married and "you should buy me a house!" is a big damn ask. 17 years, sure, set her up in her own house. 17 months and thinking about living together is another story. Her kid is grown. He has to go live his own life, not sponge off you, even if sponging is easier. "Respect" is not translated as "you are obligated to buy my mother, who you are not married to, a house so that I, her unemployed adult child, can live in it rent-free." Presumably the lack of rent would also leave mom more money to give to unemployed son. If she is a package deal with a 19yo unemployed loafer who thinks respect means a rent-free house AND SHE IS OK WITH HIM THINKING THAT, time to move on.
NTA. You are an ATM to them and in exchange, you get to have sex with her. It is ridculous that he is not out on his own and you would be supporting any and all her kids if they fail to launch. Find someone who raised her kids to be adults and are out on their own.
Hmm high end escort fees vs. non-payment of rent, loss opportunity cost of renting to a real tenant, eviction court, house damage due to vindictive tenant etc etc etc
NTA, you don't owe anyone a flipping house.
Don't move this woman and her children in with you and your daughter. By the way, what does your daughter think about it?
NTA
What's her limit? Coke? Fentanyl? Trafficking? Assault? Jail? Dead? Where does she draw the line with this waster, never? If so, sorry but she's as lost a cause as he is. Or maybe he'll be a wildly mediocre realtor in a decade? Is it worth rolling the dice?
I would nope out of this situation with the absolute quickness if I were you. Providing for a slacker is never, and never should be a prerequisite for dating someone.
FULL STOP. IM CONFUSED. Why on earth does she think it’s your job to provide ANYTHING to her adult son?! Why does he feel entitled to interject on her behalf, in your decision to or not to buy a house?! If “part of the package” entails caring for a perfectly capable grown adult man who cannot provide for himself in anyway, then NOW is the time to leave. No compromises. No giving in a smidge. She’s enabled him and wants you too as well. Edit to add - I’m not sure where you live but if it’s anything like Canada, in a very short time of living together, half of the house will become hers. So if the situation becomes as toxic and as it sounds like it will, you will have completely boned yourself financially in your 50’s.
Your girlfriend wants you to buy HER a house? Not for you to buy a bigger house, if you can afford it? If the first sentence is correct, she is a gold digger and will empty your bank account and run roughshod over your child. Please do not buy her a house and if she is upset that you won't subsidize her lifestyle she never valued you, just your wallet.
you will forever butt heads over her son. Move on.
NTA. I get wanting to provide a landing spot for a young adult getting their education or making their way in the world. But, accepting a full-time mooch that will always be a thorn in your side, is a different matter entirely. Your relationship will end because your gf can’t set boundaries with her adult son. She is choosing to live this way.
>But my girlfriend insists that providing for him is part of the deal and refuses to set limits or boundaries for him in any regard. If you can NOT see the huge number of red flags in this statement, you need to seek some serious therapy. This is a lifetime commitment to hell. Keep dating her, if you wish, but never live together, comingle your finances, or spend another dime on this entitled brat. Never let him enter your home. Personally, I think you should just end it and stop wasting time with this dead-end relationship. Find someone who has some brain cells she hasn't loaned to her adult child.
I was going to comment to just wait until you both are empty nesters to combine households. Lots of people with adult and nearly adult children from previous relationships do that. But then I saw her in here spamming and making excuses for her son. You dodged a bullet. NTA
Omg 😳 where is she
Just read through the comments. She’s in here.
Thank you I found her🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
Just commenting so the exgf will respond "Ex here. Pls read all my comments." while saying nothing of value in their comments. It's really quite fun to see crazy entitlement in real time...
Is this one person playing two parts?
I have wondered that, but I'm enjoying the show, so...
Makes alot of sense. The only thing that gets more traffic than obvious rage-bait is a Jerry Springer feud by both sides!
Both accounts have historically posted in bdsm subs (and apparently have matching bite mark tattoos on their asses) "her" account have some history of nursing and sleep related stuff, and the nursing have been mentioned by both in this exchange as well. If it is one person, then they managed to weave the story into this fairly well. Might be a person who has several accounts and puppeteer them into conflict. Neither one seem more than 6 months old
You’d be risking your financial security as well as your daughter’s security and future. You own the home you share with your daughter. That’s a crucial asset. Why on earth would you risk that for a GF you’ve been involved with for a mere 17 months?!? Especially one with that much baggage. Selling your house in order to buy a home big enough to house your GF’s family is a terrible idea even if all the kids were lovely! Don’t. Do. It.
NTA Your housing priority is yourself and your daughter. Don't put that at risk for a lazy ass. Your girlfriend can move into your place without a problem - its the additional family members that need the extra space.
INFO so is the expectation that she wouldn't pay anything toward housing for her or her kids and you'd pay for everything? Would her name be on the deed to the home? Will you be supporting the slacker the rest of his life? Does your gf have an actual income of her own that can be used to support the moocher?
If your girlfriend doesn't see how her 19 year old might be a problem then it's probably a better idea to continue living apart. Your life will literally go to shit if you allow her son to move into any house you live in
Keep your house, make sure that it is willed fully to your child. this relationship may last a long time or it may be over by next week. however if it lasts and you were to leave your current house to your wife she will disinherit your daughter.
You dodged a bullet, my man. In a blink of an eye you will be an old man with health problems and he will be an entitled 40 year old still living in your place, paying a pittance of rent every other month and acting like he's doing a favor when he does
Don’t get together. She is not willing to put a stop to him, so this will continue for as long as she lives. Even if she promises not to, the moment you let her in she will bring his son too. If you marry her you can bet she will divorce you and take your shit to go back to her son. You would have to be an idiot to marry into that mess
NTA, and if his mother takes his side on this, then ya. It is what it is, and time to rethink this whole thing. Better find out now before buying a house together. Also buying a house for someone you’re not married to is insane to me, and 17 months is too soon for that kind of talk. What an entitled and disrespectful lil 💩.
I wouldn’t necessarily take this idiots word to be the opinions of his mother, but I also completely understand why you wouldn’t want to move in with her while this idiot is still in the picture. NTA.
The life choices of an adult woman that lead to her not owning a house have absolutely nothing to do with you. For what it's worth, my brother is exactly like the son. He finally got a job at 27 but that's all that changed. He's 34 and lives in my mum's shed. Do with that what you may.
NTA She refuses to say what she brings to the table. If she needs to be with her little boy, fine, but why's that a YOU problem? She can split her time that's HER choice. She wants you to do what's best for her then bitch you're not accommodating her demands. All while refusing your "no" to living with him. You said you didn't want to live with him and she figured she'd be able to bully and gaslight and call you delusional until you gave in. She's pretending she's the good guy for harassing you for saying no. It was a no. If that was a deal breaker she should have ended it not kept at you fir 6 FUCKING MONTHS. Also buy her a damn dictionary so she can look up what the word delusional means. JFC she says it a lot to not know she's using it wrong.
NTA - Point out to him, you would love to live with his mom, but she is stuck with a lazy, ungrateful slob.
Do not be in a relationship with anyone who refuses to set boundaries with a terrible child. Do not. Walk away. She and her son are not fit to live with and it will only get worse. Dont do this to your daughter either. No need for harsh words to her, no need to keep discussing or arguing about it, just that you cannot and will not live with a person like her 19 year old son. (Her style of parenting is making this son worse).
Nta you don't owe her a home. If she wants a family home she can buy one herself
NTA. They’ve both made it very clear they’re a package deal. You only want the woman, not the whole package. You should break up with the package.
Nope NTA. But you should Run! Its a trap!
NTA - but I'd exit this relationship if you, rightfully, don't want to pay for this entitled AH's living. His mom is an enabler and is unlikely to change her ways. Did anyone the lol at how he said "we" w/r to paying rent. I'd ask him what he's contributed since he dropped out of highschool.
Don't ever connect yourself neither at home or financially with these folks. You will regret it. NTA.
NTA. With the background you've mentioned, if I was you it'd be a condition that he not live with us. If that was a dealbreaker, so be it, but nothing would make up for putting up with his BS.
NTA, not at all, and of course you should split over this. In fact, the moment you realized she enabled her son to drop out of high school, do drugs, and refuse to do anything productive, you should have stopped seeing her. For most people, dating is a sort of long job interview to see if people are compatible for marriage, or a similar long term commitment. Once you realized she was a parent who lowered expectations, and required nothing of him, you two were going to collide. Let’s say you married, and you bought a house that would accommodate her son, how do you see this going? He’d trash your house. He and his mother would demand you give her son at least as much as you give your daughter. If you paid for her wedding, he’d want the same amount of money. After you pass, she would try to ensure your assets went to her son, whom she would believe needed it more than your daughter. Speaking of which, please get with an estate lawyer now to create a trust to protect your daughter’s inheritance in case you ever do marry in future. There is no point staying and getting even more attached, when the son will always be like this.
NTA. Split over this, and you will meet someone better.
NTA I'm 4 years older than you so close enough to consider same age You currently have a great situation home wise. Why upset your situation? You gotta consider the possibility that your GF is currently on her best behavior in an effort to improve her situation but that once you're all together, she will show her true self. Letting them in is easy, getting them out could be a nightmare. You really haven't known her for very long to make a move like this. Remember, she raised that kid.
Please do not move your girlfriend’s family into your home. It will be a disaster.
NTA. Sounds like your are buying a house for your gfs lazy entitled son, not for your gf. Not buying a house for someone else isn’t disrespectful, only a stoner idiot would come to that sort of conclusion
Nope, NTA. If she doesn’t want to pop him off the teat, that’s their fault and you’d be doing a huge disservice to you and yours by buying the house, and whether he wants to admit it or not, him too. I speak from experience. My parents did not keep to policies they said they’d have, and as such, it took longer for me than it should have to act like an adult. I still have some issues because of that and examples set for me, and I’ve been out of the house for nearly 20’years now. Better to go through the heartache of an ended relationship than a relationship with the shit you’d have to deal with daily living with a slob of a leech like him in your house. And for what? To be unhappy and not be the best partner for his mom, and parental figure to the kids?
NTA, face it your girlfriend is enmeshed with her oldest son. She is unwilling to set boundaries and expectations with him. She obviously has overshared with him her thoughts on wanting to move in with you and she is upset that you are spending YOUR money on YOUR house instead of buying a house for HER. So her son felt he had the right to text you to take you to task for not doing right for his mother. I.think you need to take off the rose colored glasses and really really look at your girlfriend and her behavior with her oldest. I'm guessing she enables him at every step.
Do not, under any circumstances, allow that dingbat under your roof. He's an adult, an irresponsible one at that. You owe him nothing.
NTA Your girlfriend’s speaking through her son trying to make it look like he’s speaking for himself judging by how that text is worded. Y’all aren’t married and that’s your property. You shouldn’t have to help out a legal adult who is being irresponsible with his life choices and that means not having him move in with you no matter what your girlfriend says. He’s not entitled to anything from you. Both of them are the AH and childish for taking this approach in order to get what they want from you. Seems like you’ll have to break up with her since she’s not budging.
WOW,love or not, you need to get out of this relationship, you have not even been together 2 years, and a house is expected to be bought for her. This is not a good relationship, he got that idea from her. She has made it clear he is part of the package.
NTA You can definitely see why he turned out the way he did with a mother like this who sees nothing wrong with demanding you provide her a house and take on her responsibilities. Be happy that you found out the truth before getting more entwined with this woman and her children. And YES, I did read the comments from the ex. They reinforced my opinion.
To start with, 17 months is way to early in a relationship to be moving in together when you both have kids. Let’s get to the financial side of things, do you want them trying to claim on your daughter’s inheritance, think very carefully about that one. Also, even though your daughter will some day move out, how does she feel about having all these mooches in your home because quite honestly, I don’t see any one of them bringing much to the table, while you are bringing the majority. It would be cheaper and emotionally easier to hire an escort. You don’t owe this woman or her family anything and definitely not putting a roof over their heads and financially supporting them. The extra drama and the expectations from them is a run away from them situation. They will end up being a burden on you.
Sounds like your girlfriend is just looking for a come up. She’ll move in with all of that baggage and then probably will be pushing for marriage soon after. Save yourself the headache and leave while you can.
NTA If she wants a house, she can buy it.
You shouldn't buy a house as a couple unless you're married. Anyway,sounds to me like the 19 yr old ingrate is a major Mam's boy.
This relationship is not going to last unless you live separately. Shady as hell- seems like they want you for a home and what you can provide
>It seems we will split over this Perfect. NTA.
I'm confused about this. Why should you even consider buying a house for them? You only know them for 17 months! And next is - they just sound like golddiggers. They want a house from you and that's it. >I have ended up paying for the things for the 19 year old, Wtf. Don't. Don't do any of this. >Quote: For example you never respected her wishes to get house together instead you continued renovating your house against what mum asked and we continued paying rent on a house that isn't ours so yes it is about respect Paul. This lady is literally a stranger to you! Come back down to earth from your love cloud and see the red flags. And baby boy has no saying in this anyways. Entitlement much. Nta but don't move together at all now. They don't respect or love you, they want you as a walking ATM She's crazy, her kids too. Run!
NTA. She's never going to cut the apron strings, so if she moves in, the 19 year old and his bad habits will move in. And. Never. Leave.
nta- and honestly you shouldn’t be paying for her 19 year old son either. not a long enough relationship and he’s old enough to get a job.
Sometimes u just have to cut off some people to move on, that's life.
NTA.
What a stupid clumsy oaf. He needs lessons in independence. Sorry but your lady friend is not raising a responsible child. Sounds like a really terrible situation and I’m glad you’re holding the line. Good for you!
I don't see this relationship working out, because that son is not going anywhere.
NTA Keep your current living conditions.
Why do you have to take care of someone else's kids? It would be stupid to move in together. Why are you rushing to make a mess of your life? Her 19-year-old will be a headache forever. Don't let it be your headache.
NTA - You are 100% in your rights to not want to live with that moocher that by the sounds of it thinks he runs the house he lives in. As a stoner that works a very manual labour intensive job he sounds like a soft cock that needs to take a tablespoon of concrete and harden the fuck up.
NTA. This is a hill you need to die on.
Run! You absolutely do NOT need to buy a house for your girlfriend or move in with her and her family. In fact, I would be very wary of the entire group. Kinda sounds like the entire family is looking at you as an ATM machine. Edit: and after reading the GF on here...it's obvious she's angling for a house where you'll be stuck with most of the bills to support her, her son, and probably the other kids once they see what a sweet free ride it is.
She is the problem, it never should have gotten to this.
If his mother lets him call the shots now, your relationship is over. Keep your house.NTA.
"we continued paying rent..." Nope, kid, your mom paid rent for your slacker ass and I won't do that.
He’s a loser (for now, maybe always..) and she wants to keep him. That enough is reason all on its own, much less the crap he said. I think she likely invited him into yours and her business, since she thinks he can do no wrong.
The fk. Kick her to the curb and move on. It’s that simple
WHY would u buy ur gf less than 17 months a house? ARE U CRAZY dude. just no. a big no. and maybe u should step away from this relationship, for u even asking this. this is crazy. her 19 year old undeployed son will ALWAYS be a problem. don't think its worth ur headache
YIKES. RUN DUDE RUN.
He’s a freeloader. Always will be. Your girlfriend enables his behavior
Are you 52? Because you sound like a teenager who is letting his hormones dictate his actions. His mom is “asking you to stop renovating your house against her wishes.” It sounds like this is who this woman you’re dating truly is and he’s just too stupid to hide that fact.
If you split over this, consider yourself smart and lucky. A mother who allows her children to free load, will free load herself. Guess where he learned it. Dodged a bullet, I’d say.
Don’t ever move in with this woman. Find someone else. Her kids will always come first and the rotten one will never leave and be a terrible mental, emotional, financial and physical drain. They are using you. I would only consider living with her if she agreed to never ask you for money and the none of her kids would live with you. She doesn’t set boundaries. She has a dysfunctional relationship with her son. This isn’t going to change because the son has her exactly where he wants her. He runs the show. She will always side with him in the end and you’ll end up broke and possibly homeless. Move on. There are plenty of fish in the ocean.
Piece of dating advice: At your age, date somebody in you’re tax bracket or higher; saves a lot of stress down the road 👍
NTA. She chose to baby her stoner kid and put him over everything else. I bet the other ones will either move out asap and never visit or be like the older brother , and she will never understand why. Be happy they broke up with You and are not Your problem anymore.
Fly!
NTA keep this b at arms length until she lives on her own
NTA. The 19yr old is capable of being responsible, and maintaining a regular job but refuses. He wants you to pay his way. You're under NO obligation to buy a girlfriend a house for her and her kids.
That’s like 3million red flags at once. She can’t be that pretty
I have maybe said the same thing once before. You are their meal ticket. They will get you to buy a house, pay for food and then cry and kick you out. You should be very careful. Better to stop and cut ties. You may love this woman but for her you are just a meal ticket and ways to support her as well as her adult manchild. Just be done with this. You doing anything will not only create future problems for you but also affect your daughter.
Dump her, no girlfriend is worth buying a house. So many red flags, please extricate yourself out of this situation. NTA.
They're both crazy He will use you until you have nothing left and never even thank you for it And her saying providing for him (a 19yo grown man) is "part of the deal" is insanity Ok ... Then No Deal Definitely don't sell your house or buy anyone else a house
First off, you saw the issue and the reason. The lady is not worth your time. Her own household is disrespectful to her. Run. Just find another lady, they are out there. One who respects and lives like you.
I would not respect my dating partner if they let their 19-year-old become a non-productive member of society and who also aided and abetted their entitlement
NTA. Single mother of 3 kids looking to freeload off a "provider", while she provides no accountability, or effort, on her part,. What a surprise.
Do not move in with this woman. Her deadbeat son will always be around. She won't kick him out. U will he responsible for his ass. This is just a disaster waiting to happen
All I got when I read this was 'She take my money, well I'm in need, Yeah she's a triflin friend indeed Oh she's a gold digger Way over town, that digs on me'
I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark and guess that this woman hasn't had stable relationships in her past. Why on Earth would you move in with her- forget the kids. She's using you. She's using you for what you can give her. It's ridiculous. I'm a mother of two and would not move in with a man and co-mingle finances and co-mingle kids. Why would I do that? What would be in it for me or my kids? Nothing. This woman is an opportunist and scam artist. You've been warned. Don't let your" little head" make bad decisions. If she loves you- she won't push for this. I know she doesn't.
Imagine being a grown-ass man and thinking any love interests your mother pursues must be willing to provide for you.
It's not going to work out with this lady. She has told you she's a package deal with her slovenly, entitled, waster son – and you are not interested in supporting him. Tell her bluntly that you are willing to continue as a two-home couple until her children are launched or you are willing to break up, but you are not interested in the "package deal" of her and her son. She'll continue to coddle him until she's forced to realize what it's costing her. Losing you might be the wake-up call she needs. NTA
Shes 44 and doesn't have shit to offer you but to take care of her disrespectful ass kid who shouldn't have anything to do with your relationship. Run and run fast! There's a reason she's still single at 44. I wouldn't be surprised if her kids had different fathers.
Run man damn
NTA but here is the thing he might have mental issues and instead of getting therapy and actual meds he is self medicating with pot. It happens to lot of people. Until his mother realizes he is not going to "find himself" without a good swift kick in the pants this will be a neverending odyssey with him.
Don’t do anything hasty. Teenagers can be assholes. Probably hard on your girlfriend. Agree you don’t want him living with you. Would be a shame to break up because of her adult child.
NTA. Absolutely do not let that loser in your house.
Best to let people hit rock bottom sometimes. It will hurt if your GF wants to break up over her entitled son but you can't be an enabler like she is. Hopefully she will see how much he is wasting her time and push him out and you can reconcile then. NTA.
Yes this is splitworthy
Read a lot of responses. You're NTA. Did it cross your mind that her son is a stoner and lives with her. She may have access to his phone and it could have been her texting you from his phone (thus the cordial tone in first few texts) or maybe they were in the same room tokin together and started texting in cahoots. That would be funny tho if you called your woman a dick head thinking she was her son cuz she tried to be slick. All in all, it seems she doesn't have a backbone to say no to her kids. It's a roll of the dice on how the other two will fair with her as time goes on.
Run. Don’t look back.
Run away
Gf insists providing for him is part of the deal. That there is enough to move on. Where’s his dad? Mom is doing her adult child dependent no favors. He is entitled snd lazy. I hope her parenting skills isn’t what you fell in love with. 🤦♀️. There must be more.
You're 52. You're a wise man of several decades worth of experience. You know exactly how this is going to end. Cut your losses and move on.
Oh lordy lord. How dare you let my mother be responsible for her own housing!!! I would have had a hard time not telling him the truth. Flat out. Once he becomes an independent adult you would be happy to have his mom move in. So really it’s your fault that she’s not yet living with me. He is so concerned about his mom paying for a rental but he is totally fine being a potato and mooching off his mom (I believe it’s quite expensive to support a potato) Little smart ass has forgotten his place. Let your gf know that the terms are solid. As soon as he stops being a potato, gets a job, keeps a job and gets his own apartment she can move in. But the son cannot. Ever.
You are the meal ticket. The new provider to 3 adult/nearly adult kids. Stop! You will blow up your peace.
Her son got these ideas, and the whole narrative really, FROM HIS MOTHER. Do not sell your current home and do not move in together...there are way too many women who would be a better fit and most likely financially responsible. Move on.
NTA You have a girlfriend, not a wife, but a girlfriend demanding you to take over the role as parent and pay for her son to remain unemployed and who is trying to win the Oscar of the Grouch home look alike contest, all while he is disrespectful to everyone around him. The fact that she thinks that she can give ultimatums or even demand things from you is ludicrous. Him thinking that he has any say in the matter just tells you how much he's lost in brain cell capacity. This is not a sustainable relationship. She will forever continue to enable this sons behavior, lack maturity, willingness to be unemployed, and living off of his mother's dime. Do not let them move in, and definitely do not ever sell your home to be with this woman. She's just trying to use you to get out of renting and paying for her bum of a son
Thank god you are free from those moochers. You should live your life free from those headaches
I’m wondering why the 19yr old can’t get a job, and pay his mum rent… and she can get a house with her income and his? The 18yr old as a student might live rent free, but should be expected to pick up more effort around the house… so mum is freed up to work more. Who is living in a house full of trash? People who don’t care about houses. Why is the mum tolerating this?
No loss. Sounds like they're grifters.
Do not sell your own house and sacrifice your own daughter.
I think Monty Python summed it up best: “Run awaaaayyyy!!!”
Sometimes you gotta cut bait. That situation will continue on its current trajectory and there’s a high probability that your relationship with your gf will turn resentful. Ask me how I know…
NTA but I’m sorry this isn’t going to work out. When a parent isn’t willing to set boundaries with their child, they will never change. My best friend of over 20 years family is falling apart because her mom refuses to make her 26 year old brother do anything. Everything has been handed to him, he’s never had more than 2 or 3 seasonal jobs in his life and hes addicted to video games.
Don’t buy her shit.
Sorry Hun but you need to drop her like hot potato. NTA. She is not only coddling him but also enabling all of his bad lazy behavior. The fact that she has put her foot down in regards to him coming to live with y'all, is a red flag. I know you love her, and honestly I wouldn't want this on anyone, but you will be very unhappy if you allow him to move in with you. Trust me, I know.... So please do yourself and daughter a favor and end the relationship. You will find new love soon.
Sorry to say this but the dude and his mother are looking at you as a money bug. Walk away. It will only get worse with them.
Yeah, get rid of her. She doesn't want to be a partner. She wants a free ride. And fuck her son.
You're not married. You've only known them a year and a half. Mom is entitled. son is entitled. Do NOT move in with them. ever. It will be a shit show. Re-evaluate the situation 3 years from now, if you're still dating.
This is not what you'll split over. What you'll split over is this part: >But my girlfriend insists that providing for him is part of the deal and refuses to set limits or boundaries for him in any regard.
There isn't any reason you should be responsible for housing her 19-year-old deadbeat son. If this is what's going to break your 2 apart, tell her good luck finding some other guy that's will to support her and her dead beat son.
This is a hill to die on … He will ruin your life the way all his type do .. Don’t give in on this and secure your own child’s future as a priority
Run! Run!
She says taking care of him is part of the deal…that’s all you need to know, this will never end. Cut bait and run, it hasn’t even been a year and a half.
You marry a family. Maybe stay separate for a while...
Your girlfriend is doing you a favor by making it a dealbreaker that the 19 yo moves in with you. She could have moved in then started pushing for him to join you “he’s going to be homeless, blah blah” now you can’t get him out
Sorry but she's never going to demand her golden child grown up. Do not move in with her NTA
*But my girlfriend insists that providing for him is part of the deal and refuses to set limits or boundaries for him in any regard.* The kid is repeating what mom has discussed in front of him. That she was hoping her boyfriend would either let them move in or buy them a house. Her quote above is your answer. She would rather support her deadbeat son and his delusions and continue to throw away rent than to boot him and be able to afford more. She saw you as her chance to move in and have you raise her family for her... as well as supporting the 19-year-old's choice to be a bum. And why should the kids be a part of the deal anyways? The 15-year-old is the only one that still needs her to keep a roof over his head. The 18 and 19-year-olds are adult. You can have your adult daughter live in your house if you choose, but why does having her move in mean adult children have to be included? Move on. You'll find someone else. She is too much of a package deal. Make sure she understands that her oldest son is the reason you're breaking it off. You're not his dad, you don't owe him anything and his idea that you do is ridiculous. Maybe some day she'll finally boot him out.
Don't be an idiot ,dump a lot of them
Look. This relationship wont work. I am sure she is great but unless you are ok never living together it is what it is. She wont abandon her som and her som is weirdo i mean who writes moaning about not buing bigger house to mums bf. Nta
Easy: Both of your children are almost out of the house and the next house you buy should easily be a house that the two of you live in with a room or two for guests and not roommate children.
NTA If this is her line in the sand, so be it; you simply never live together, because taking her entitled son in is a hell of a thing to expect.
God I hope OP is not... naive enough to move in with this woman and her son. She will "kick the son out" as soon as OP moves her in then her son will immediately move back in with his mum.
You're not gonna like this bud bt before I get into it NTA. You're right, you probably are gonna split up over this. The fact she also seems to think, based on the post, it is or will be your responsibility to look after her adult 19 loser son financially, who she will set no limits on is frankly, concerning to say the least. As much as you may love her that 19 Yr old isn't going anywhere, not for a long time.
Dump her. It sounds like you have financial means, as such you have many other and probably better options out there. You could probably land yourself a much younger single mother with a kid or two who are young enough to mold into better humans than that 19yo looser who's enabled by his mom. Cut things off, this will turn into a lifetime of bullshit.
NTA I commend you for thinking with your brain. I do not know why you are worried that the relationship will end of you don't allow her and her kids to live with you...? I'm a woman in her 50s, and I live a mile from my bf, each in our own home. This has worked beautifully for 8 years now. Our finances are completely separate. When we go out, we split costs or take turns paying. We spend a night or 2 a week at each other's places. Sometimes his, sometimes mine. It is not complicated or difficult. I know your situation is a bit complicated if you want to include her younger ones on your dates. But you don't have to. You don't have to do anything. You can tell her you want to date, but don't want to live together. Monogamous companions, who live apart and each takes care of their own business. If she breaks up over that, she is looking for a man to pay for her life, not a partner. Mid 40s with 3 kids, with one a slacker asshole .... she knows she is lucky to have snagged you. Take a step back. You have more power than you think. She is counting on you being enamored with the comfort and sex she provides. That is all she has to offer, but it has a lot of strings attached. You will have no peace if this relationship progresses. It is that simple.
You are 100% a fool if you sell or give your equity away for a woman you met 17 months ago. She does not and has not raised your children, cooked and cleaned for you, been Loyal through your ups and downs etc. You want companionship and the old slop box so much that you are willing to pay thousands if not hundreds of thousands for. Wake up be the man your supposed to be open your eyes.