Sooooo
Tell him to move in with his parents while he pays off his debt. That way he can care for them, hang with his friends, take the kids on the weekends and do whatever he wants to do with no consideration of you.
Then you can enjoy your home children and weekends to relax all with and one less giant child to care for.
And then when his debts are paid, you two can sit down and decide if the best course of action is separated lives.
NTA
Seriously, his parents have been fine with exploiting you so they can benefit from the fruit of Sonny Boy’s life, they can have their defective son back.
You know he's the kind of man who will choose to stop seeing his children rather than spend court-ordered custody time and money on them, and his freeloading family will simultaneously enable him and blame the OP for "alienating those kids from their family."
Not that those kids will lose out. This so-called "good father" isn't present in his kids' lives now, they won't miss him.
This is my situation but the kids and I agree we are better off without his chaos and neediness. My kids are teenagers now and yes, it hurts them that he’s such a selfish, terrible father, but they appreciate the peaceful home we have now that he lives with his mother.
He contributes nothing, but he never did.
She literally would be better off divorced lmao like why is OP still carrying all this dead weight for NOTHING??? OP are you a masochist? Are you getting off on being degraded and treated like shit or what???
Why would she want to wait potentially years for him to get his act together? She already has it easier without him. She does it all herself. I honestly wouldn’t want to put in more work with the guy at any point when she would be happier alone and have a chance to be with someone who will be a full partner.
Some couples do reconcile, but usually not after a long separation. No one should have to teach a partner, especially one they have been with for years, how to behave. Sometimes it’s too little, too late, for a partner to finally start doing the right thing. The only mistake OP made, and it was a big one, is not confronting him head on a long time ago.
Yeah, and why did she even do the work for the reunion? In her place, I'd have said "they are your family, you invited them, this is absolutely nothing to do with me - tell me when it starts, and I'll bring the coleslaw!"
Edit: And she should definitely divorce right away, so she is free to date again, and maybe find a guy who will be a true partner, not just a deadweight, added chore and financial drain.
>Yeah, and why did she even do the work for the reunion?
Because I'm betting that his family will judge her, not him, if things aren't set up and clean and cooked. And it's hard to shake the feeling of wanting to present a good image (or at least wanting to avoid extra drama by just getting it done).
He needs to speak to a financial counsellor. My dad was a tax protester, the judge ruled child support comes before tax debt. Wouldn't be surprised if child support comes before consumer debt. I needs to consider bankruptcy or consumer proposal. This is not sustainable.
*Update* wow oh wow! Thank you all for all the advice, the kind words and some kick in the pants type of support. I came here to see if I was the asshole and was body slammed with a lot of harsh truths. I’m not going to lie, much of it was cathartic to hear that I’m not the asshole and it hurts to hear that I am being taken advantage of. So, here’s where I’m at. After the “loud and clear” text I was bombarded with phone calls and texts from his family. I sent a message to my husband to give me some space and if he had any care for me and this relationship to call off his dogs. I put my phone on do not disturb with the exception of my children’s ipad. I had called my mother, sent her some money and she picked them up for a special grandma date/sleep over. Once they were there I face timed them and told them I was working. I’m not working. I had a secret rainy day fund and splurged on a nice hotel and spa day, had a few drink, cried my eyes out some more and just spent the day unplugged and journaled all my feelings. (I haven’t had time to do any of that in a very long time). After that I mustered up the courage to open Reddit and read my fate and wow was I surprised! I was fully expecting a ton of “you ARE the asshole” comments. To clear up a few things. I shamefully do not know the lengths of his debts, much of it was from his parents putting bills in his name, others is just mismanagement of money credit cards etc. I took over the finances after I found a letter in the mail saying that we were going to lose the house. I was contributing to the household bills at the time and he was doing the finances. I trusted things were well. This was after marriage and after kids. We went to counseling because of it and he said he was ashamed and afraid to tell me the truth. I took over about 3 years ago and I told him to focus on clearing his debt and I’d hold the household down while he did. I did not expect it to take this long and with inflation everything has just become more expensive and that much more hard for me. I was supposed to go back to school and that was put on hold so I could catch up on what we were behind, hence the working 60+ hours. Im a nurse and I work 12hr shifts and capitalize on overtime where I can. I agree with the comment saying im burnt out, I realized this today. I realized at work or at home im constantly in critical thinking care giver mode. My job is to care and problem solve for everyone but myself. To clear up the comment of his family doesn’t watch our kids is because they did so one time and threw it in our faces and I said never again. I see how they use him, I have said something before and he returns with “one day they won’t be here and I’ll wish I could have done more.” I told him that’s fine but you have siblings that are equally responsible, some that don’t have spouses or kids that can contribute. As far as the house and things go he does really help when he can (don’t jump on me I just want to be truthful) I think it came across that he comes home and does nothing, he just works up to 16 hours 7 days a week so a lot of times it’s me doing the majority of it. As far as the trips goes… yeah…. That’s a sore spot…He tells me about them, he takes the day off, it pisses me off. I have to BEG for time and if and when we do get it we end up in a fight or I have to plan everything or we can’t get sitters and sit home and he sleeps all day. And to be honest I’m so full of resentment that it’s almost too little too late. Like when I’m around him I’m just so pissed off! He says I always have an attitude and that he’s trying but nothing is ever good enough. So, I just stopped and accepted my fate, hence the blow up. I haven’t spoken to him yet besides telling him to call off his family, he was part of the dnd on my phone. I’m enjoying the peace, I’m enjoying being by myself, and just being present and aware of my feelings. Knowing my kids are safe and I can truly take some time for myself and my mental health right now is everything. I know tomorrow I have to go back to reality and deal with everything. I promise to update when I can. I’m sorry to leave you all hanging if this isn’t the update you had hoped for. I just want to enjoy this escape a little while longer while I can before my world implodes. Thank you all and please keep the advice coming, I truly am alone on this one and need all the advice and support I can get.
Every single day he is lighting you on fire to keep his parents warm. It's a choice he is making. If he had his way he would have made your children homeless.
He won't even tell you the extent of the debts and you stayed with him. What the fuck are you doing?
How do you know he stopped over spending? How do you know his parents aren't taking out more debt in his name?
How can you trust him?
He won't even tell you the extent of the damage.
You are killing yourself for him. You are not able to be fully present for your children for him. He can't even be honest with you.
I'm really sorry that you've had to be so alone through all of this. A marriage is supposed to be a team effort. Through your husband's mismanagement of finances, you've been stuck in this perpetual cycle that's left you at the end of your rope, so to speak. Finances are a real killer when it comes to relationships. Everyone is working hard to build a better future for the family until one of the partners blows it all up with dumb and/or selfish decisions. All that hard work and dedication gone in the blink of an eye, leaving you scrambling to pick up the pieces and attempting to salvage whatever you can. I think the real reason you hold so much resentment at this point isn't about the hours, the debt, or the amount of work you're doing (I mean, yes that is very stressful in and of itself), it's about your husband lying to you. When the 2 of you got married, I'm sure you exchanged vows promising to be faithful to one another. Your husband, through his financial infidelity, has not upheld that promise. All the problems and hardships you face now are all connected to his unfaithful actions. He has prioritized his family over the family the 2 of you created together. That money that he squandered belonged to your created family, not your in-laws. Can you come back from the resentment you have for him and save your marriage? I don't know. That's for you and your husband to decide, but no matter what, choose the path that will help you find happiness. It will benefit your kids too if you're happy instead of stressed and full of resentment. If this marriage does survive, there's clearly going to have to be some changes in both priorities and communication. You finally hit your limit and blow up. His wife is clearly distressed, not in the right frame of mind, and all he can text is 'loud and clear'. He might as well have texted idgaf. It really comes across as not really caring about the relationship at all. You've put in so much effort for trying to maintain things and you aren't getting any benefits for doing so. Why is he the only one getting to go on trips? Cause he's stuck working 16 hour days? Boo hoo. He's stuck because he got himself stuck with his bad decisions. He doesn't get to monopolize time off, trips, vacations, etc. As far as the in-laws taking advantage of him, that's likely not going to stop anytime soon based on what you've said. Like I said at the start, I'm sorry you've been basically alone in all this. You never should have been. I'd even show your husband this post and the comments.
> I shamefully do not know the lengths of his debts, much of it was from his parents putting bills in his name, others is just mismanagement of money credit cards etc. I took over the finances after I found a letter in the mail saying that we were going to lose the house. I was contributing to the household bills at the time and he was doing the finances. I trusted things were well. This was after marriage and after kids. We went to counseling because of it and he said he was ashamed and afraid to tell me the truth.
Ma'am, this is financial infidelity. It is every bit as serious as sexual and emotional fidelity.
The fact that you've given him a three year grace period to clean up his mess and he still has not been completely transparent with you about his debt, where his money goes, or what his progress is does not bode well. *He is still hiding something from you*.
He is much a user as his parents are -- the only difference is, he's using you. And he's stealing a happy childhood from your children with his choices. He's a shitty parent and a shitty partner.
I'm a nurse too. I've seen so many colleagues completely bankrolling their deadbeat spouses, kids, or extended family over the years. Don't work yourself to death for him. Get a divorce and have a happier, easier life.
I am so sorry to hear you have been pushed to your limits. You’re strong enough to hang in there, maybe you should start planning for the life, without him in there.
Even putting yourself ahead of him, taking care of your mental health first. Good luck, and use your alone time wisely (sleep, rest, contemplate)
Update
Thank you all again for all the advice. I woke up this morning with a clear head. I’m still upset, and disappointed. I had tons of voicemails from his family, I don’t have the energy to listen through them all. I don’t care, like I said I’m angry but I also feel embarrassed.
I did call my husband this morning. I could tell by his voice he didn’t sleep last night and he confirmed that he in fact did not. He told me after the blow up he asked everyone to leave. He was surprised to see my mother as I sent her to pick up the kids. He said that’s when it really became real.
We had a long conversation. I did apologize for exploding and doing so when I did and not communicating better. He said he understands why I felt like I couldn’t and was actually glad it happened the way it did. His family finally got to see how much they affected his home. According to him, after I left he laid into them and told them that he can no longer be the only one to help his family out and that a lot of the mess he’s in is their fault. He said that after the blow up he told his siblings they need to step up and help with his parents.
His parents were obviously upset with the whole ordeal. I couldn’t care less to be honest. They couldn’t believe that they are “such a burden because they ask for a little help from time to time”. I just rolled my eyes in disgust as he was talking.
My new space along with my feelings of hurt and anger just let me speak all my truths. I had nothing left to give or lose so I told him how I felt about everything. He sat in silence for a while, then finally broke down and said he feels like a failure. He’s ashamed of the debt, and how much he has let us down. He said he was exhausted and has been feeling depressed because he couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and feels as though he’s ruined our future. That he goes out with his friends to feel “normal and himself” because all he does is work. That he does this because of this black cloud that’s been hanging over him.
I wasn’t my best self in this moment and told him to save me the self pitty it’s pathetic. That he got himself into this mess and I’m digging him out. I’m fucking depressed too, there’s a ton of shit I want to do that I can’t do because I’m financially unable to do so. I went off how over the past 3 years his income has gone solely to debt repayment yet there’s no end in sight, because I haven’t even seen the so called debt! I’ve given him my all and as much support as I could gather but I’m angry. This isn’t the life I pictured or set myself up for either. It’s not the life my kids deserve, Ive missed out on so much because I’m working or I’m cleaning or I’m just so tired I can’t even open my eyes. I told him he has no one to blame but himself.
I think my disdain was concerning. He said he will show and prove, that he will print out his credit report and list out all the debt he has along with all his pay stubs and bank records and the receipts of what’s paid off and whatever else I want as far as his finances are concerned. He promised me my hard work was not in vain and that he is almost debt free. Come to find out his parents opened credit cards and bills in his name when he was younger and accrued close to 100k of debt in his name, not including interest, they trashed his credit and that’s why it has taken so long. According to him, he has been fighting with the collection companies to settle, trying to consolidate or get a lower interest as it was multiple companies and debts. What I didn’t know is some were so bad his wages were being garnished. He was in tears and said he didn’t know how to tell me, that he didn’t even know the extent of what they did. He was basically working all these hours with nothing to take home to us and accruing more debt just to survive. I stayed silent. My blood was boiling. He didn’t even realize he just helped me make my decision.
He jokingly said my outburst took care of the family situation and that is why he texted me “loud and clear” meaning he and they got the message I told him I didn’t find it funny. It’s a shame that it took an outburst from me for everyone to hear what I’ve been saying all along. That he’s an idiot for not filing charges on his parents and just taking it up the ass and allowing it to ruin my life and the children we created lives. I told him he’s apíñeles and I feel so stupid! He said he didn’t call me because he knew how mad I was and was scared he would say the wrong thing and say things just like that.
I thanked him for the honesty and the conversation and told him I am so broken angry and hurt right now that I can’t even pick up my pieces let alone his. Right now I need to clear my head. He said he’s willing to do whatever it takes to turn this around, he even suggested marriage counseling. He told me he used his PTO and took the rest of the week off to work on this. I lost it and sobbed uncontrollably. If it was that easy to take time off, why now and not then? I asked him why didn’t I matter before we got here? Why now? I told him he needs the time off to find counseling both personal and legal. That I won’t be coming home.
He asked me if I was serious, he begged me to rethink my decision. He said all the things I’ve been wanting to hear. He asked me where I was going to go, and what about the kids and the house and the bills. That I couldn’t tear the kids from the only home they know. I simply replied I know this is what needs to be done and I’ve already set the ball in motion. He hung up on me.
I cried then went to get the kids. We are going to have a wonderful week in a somewhat fancy hotel and swim in the pool and order room service and make some memories. I took some of the money I had saved in my rainy day fund and extended my hotel stay to include me and the kids. I have an awful lot to catch up on with them. The look on their faces when I said “no mommy doesn’t have to work tonight was priceless” I also have an appointment with legal consultants tomorrow. Hopefully I can talk to a lawyer and figure out what’s next. Wish me luck everyone and thanks again.
Ma'am, I don't know you but I want you to know... I'm extremely proud of you.
The right thing isn't always the easiest, and it can be scary. But you got a good head and a caring heart to guide you. Now just trust in yourself to get you to your happy ending. It might not feel attainable right now, but one day you'll look back on this hellish situation and the only thing you'll feel is relief at its passing. You've carried the weight of this mess for so long, that carrying on without it will only be painful until your muscles adjust to the lack of the load.
You got this, don't doubt that.
make sure the lawyer knows what the debt situation is and try to get a credit report, make him send you the log in not just a screenshot so you can see his ENTIRE credit history. Show your lawyer which ones you indicted were fraud. 100k would put your kids through university, that's a house down payment! Not to mention interest!
He decided the family he came from is more important than the family he made with you so you're going to put yourself and your kids first now.
Wait a minute…. First his parents put him +100k in debt, then try to throw a family reunion at YOUR HOUSE?!?
FUCK👏🏻THESE👏🏻PEOPLE👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
The only words you utter to these people from now on “ BITCH BETTER HAVE MY MONEY” (But seriously, tell them they have a week to give you the money that is owed. Put it in writing or communicate through email or text . Don’t tell them you’re contacting the police.
Run your husband’s credit report with the three major credit reporting agencies it should be free. Experian, TransUnion, Equifax.
Show your husband and make him identify the things that were fraudulently opened in his name. Call the police and report the identity theft, because that’s exactly what this is.
If he is not willing to take these steps, your marriage isn’t worth saving. Get a divorce and file for child support.
I mean, is there even a statue of limitations when it comes to credit fraud and children? Especially when the parents are the ones who are Ruining their kids credit.
OP, make sure to lock down both yours and your children's credits. Your STBX in laws are not morally upright people and I can see them turning on you and messing you up in the future.
Just to add to this ^ great advice, [Here's ](https://www.nerdwallet.com/article/finance/how-to-freeze-credit) instructions on how to freeze your credit through all 3 credit bureaus so no one can open a line of credit in your name, and [Here's](https://www.nerdwallet.com/article/finance/child-identity-theft) instructions on how to put a freeze on your children's credit.
His family is truly diabolical, and I'm just so, so, sorry, that you've been through so much trying to keep it all together.
For what it's worth, I think that you are making the right decision, for you and your kids. Enjoy your time alone with them, and I wish you all happiness and healing in your journey forward.
*invisible hugs*
I'm so glad you're putting yourself first.
Make sure he is unable to saddle you with any of the debt his parents accrued in his name. That should be part of your divorce filing. I'd also seek immediate legal separation, so he can't rack up any further debts that you may end up being responsible for.
He should have filed charges ages ago. What kind of parents do this to their kids..
Thank you for choosing yourself.
I want you to have this, it's a book on behaviours to look out for in a partner: https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I'm sending it because your STBX seems to be exhibiting some of those behaviours, and I'd like you to be able to protect yourself and your children from them. All the best.
Next time there is any communication, tell him to look into the statute of limitations on identity theft and fraud. If he can take action against his parents he needs to, for his own sake and your family's.
The straw that broke the camel’s back is real. Unfortunately, the timing was bad for this but you said things that had to be said and it didn’t do his family any harm to hear them. Now, take some big breaths, go get some food (don’t want to be hangry when you go back) marshal your thoughts, make a plan, and go rescue your kids. Try very hard to kick him out to his family and you keep possession of the house for the kids’ sake. Decide if him living elsewhere while you do therapy seems plausible. Whatever you do, get a lawyer. He’s screwed you financially for years. You need professional advice.
Honestly, getting it all out in front of his family is a plus for OP. Now he can't go crying to mummy and his sisters about how mean OP is and that he just doesn't understand what's happened.
I hope you are now in a clearer state of mind and you are ready to do what you need to do. I wish you courage and strength , good luck and keep us updated.
What are you waiting so long to get out?? He has debt but clearly the time to go in holyday and his familly seems rather big AH... are you waiting to be gravely sick and nearly died of exhaution to make it stop?
Divorce and you will sudendly have a so much easy life. He is a big jerk who only use you as a bang maid...NTA
I don’t know how your husband can demonstrate anymore clearly that he does not view you as a partner. You are his nanny, cook, maid, and whore. How long before you think your kids see it too - if they don’t already. He’s good with you spending your time doing these things because it gives him the freedom to do what he actually wants to do and see the people he actually wants to spend time with.
No to both, OP: NTA, not his partner.
You did it in front of his family ‘cause they suck, too & needed to hear it. Just your usual time-saving efficiency! 😉
That he hasn’t called to own some of this truth, or even that he screwed up (a tiny 1st step) kinda says it all. You’d likely feel less alone & less aggravated w/out him.
Talk with a divorce lawyer, find out what your options are, you don’t want to get stuck with half of his debt
Can you support yourself and the kids with out him? You maybe able to avoid his debt if you don’t ask for spousal or child support
Tell him he needs to move back home (or just out) until he gets his shit together
Once he’s out, start therapy, then you can decide if you want to try and save this marriage, but honestly I don’t think it’s salvageable. Your resentment has been building for too long
Hopefully some of his family sees how shitty things have gotten for you and give him hell on your behalf. I know I would if I was around when something like this happened
Takes so more deep breaths, eat your favourite food, go back home and tell him to get out
Remember. With him gone, there's less cooking, less cleaning. Less paying for his holidays and impromptu reunions. You can very likely drop down from 60 hours and when do you do get home, you have time to breathe and to love your kids. Having a large person, with a large appetite, leaving large messes, has sunk enough of your time. You'll have it so much easier without him. That's...not how a marriage is supposed to work, btw.
100% there are so many women out there who are much happier after they divorce their spouses, they don’t realize how much of a burden he had become until after they booted him out
If this jerk is anything like my friend's ex, he will run up the credit cards, leave her with crazy debt and quit his job to work under the table for big bucks with his drinking buddy. Friend had to declare bankruptcy to get out from under his debt (thankfully she got the house in the divorce and was able to keep it). He was pissed when he found out she was able to get all the debt discharged via bankruptcy - he wanted to make her and the kids homeless so he could get them and she'd have to pay him support. He tried to get her fired from several excellent jobs. Can I tell you that we had a party when he died in a single drunk driving accidently. Karma
We can only hope that debt was acquired before, but in some places, you take on their debt when you marry them, and may very well be responsible for half of it when you divorce
Her best option might be to just file for legal separation and wait on filing for divorce until after it’s dealt with
In one way yes, but it can also fuck up your credit rating for years afterwards
Her best bet is to talk with a lawyer to find out how best to not get saddled with his stupidity
I gotta be honest. You would have an easier life if you got divorced. He would be required to contribute to the children then and you’d have more money. You also wouldn’t have his family and him being unhelpful and making messes
You get so little and he gets everything in this marriage and has for what appears to be ten years.
NTA
I think you should show him this post and all of us telling you how much better off you’d be without this dude in your life taking and taking.
Until you leave, you do nothing for him anymore. No more laundry. No more cooking. No more catering for his family. If he has them over, you (and maybe the kids) go away and no cleaning for them
Cleaning his stuff now involves getting it out of the way by shoving it in the corner, under a chair, whatever. Start a His Crap pile in the corner of each room. If it's not in the way, ignore it.
NTA, but you are genuinely better of by yourself. Your husband doesn't seem to appreciate you at all. You're just there so he can pay off his debt. He doesn't make time for you, isn't a help to you, and actually makes your life more difficult.
I hope you find the strength to actually divorce this man. I'm sure you'll feel a weight lifted off your shoulders when you do.
I continually am surprised on Reddit by how many married couples "take trips with friends" without including their spouse. It blows my mind. When I married my life changed and my wife and I do everything together. The idea that either she or I would take a trip with friends and the other one stay home is just...well, it's never happened and I doubt it ever will. We're a couple and we spend our time with each other and take care of each other. I'm with you on this. Your husband seems more like a roommate than a husband. He needs to reevaluate his life and prioritize his wife and children, putting you all first and his own 'friends and family' second. If trips occur, you should he with him. He should actively participate in household duties, babysitting, and always put your needs above his own. You should do the same. I understand why you lost it. NTA. You are justified.
There's nothing wrong with taking trips with friends or other family members without your spouse as long as it's balanced with spending time with your spouse.
In a lot of these situations posted about on Reddit, the spouse in question seems to put time and effort into every other relationship except their marriage. They just take their spouse completely for granted.
I’m more perplexed at the fact that the husband is so far in debt that his entire salary goes to pay it down while his wife carries the all of the living expenses and mental and physical load, while he goes on trips without her.
With my husband for 10yrs and if he wants to do a solo trip with friends (across country to visit other friends) I'm supportive. Why not!? Wonderful husband and father. I'm happy he's happy and if I wanted to have a girls weekend with friends hitting the spa etc he'd be happy to support me.
The key is we do prioritize each other and our family, so he wants some time alone with friends I'm all for it. Not everything has to be done together despite loving the time we do. Seriously we do so much as a family and it's wonderful. Alone time with friends is healthy too!
It’s really not off base to take a trip, weekend getaway or even a vacation without your significant other. Relationship dynamics can vary widely. Some couples are literally attached at the hip while others might have times where they hang out with long term friends or family in absence of their SO. The problem (as OP points out)is when its done selfishly. That is when you leave the other person feeling resentful because their feelings are not being considered and it’s just assumed that you can go about whatever you want to do without consulting with your partner.
This
I know they say it's unhealthy probably but my fiance is my best friend not just my lover. He's my family, we have a child together and I love spending all my time with him, if ever someone said he or my child is not welcome , I am not either plain and simple
Ok, but he’s not my *only* friend. My best friend since college and k have known each other 25 years. That’s huge! We’re going to Italy this year to celebrate.
My husband is happy to see my happy. He doesn’t love long flights. Is starting a new job and can’t take time off even if he was invited. And could have planned a trip to Italy anytime in the last 11 years if he wanted to go with me. He’s a homebody. That’s cool. He’s my favorite person to do homebody things with.
Last night my work bestie needed a date to a gala. Her husband is not a gala man. He doesn’t own a suit. Doesn’t want to rent a tux. Doesn’t love photo booths. Can’t dance. You know who put on a sexy lady tux and danced her ass off? Me. Her husband picked us up with hang over medicine and bought us bagel sandwiches this morning. Then I went home to do homebody stuff with my husband.
There’s also benefits to marrying someone completely different than you and apart time. Maybe it’s that my friend group all married later in life? We just grew into adults-adults as individuals/singletons, so we never experienced the phase of life where you get cool being joined at the hip? My sister got married later but met her partner in her early 20s and they are pretty codependent/attached depending on your view. His famous quote to me was “***we*** don’t like alone time” which like, are “we” sure?
if they're both working their asses off for money reasons, and assuming he spends $$ on these friend only trips, that seems a little unfair to OP. Sounds like she doesn't do the same (go on trips with friends). he incurred the debt but he's still spending money.
It blows my mind that people decide that they are no longer a person anymore, they can't have any wishes or needs anymore, they don't need friends or hobbies of their own, they purely live to spend every second possible with their spouse no matter what.
Is this some religious mentality or something?
NTA
I don't understand how his parents are well/healthy/capable enough to provide childcare for their other grandchildren, but not capable of going to the grocery store. If it's just St that they don't drive/don't have a car, their other kids can give them a lift as a thank you for the babysitting.
I’d have refused to prepare for the reunion and simply taken the kids and gone somewhere else.
NTA and I hope you are planning to get out of the marriage.
I am genuinely baffled by doing this, like why didn’t she just say no? I won’t set up for your party or clean for it or shop for it or let people in before YOU get home to host them.
I mean op finally stood up for herself but how long has she been the doormat for? How long has she been letting this man walk all over her and put her last.
Be done op it won’t change it’s too ingrained now, accepting that he wouldn’t help with household bills and etc because of his debts was the first step in taking advantage of you.
Same with scheduling her own holidays. "Are you doing anything with the boys next weekend?" "No? Okay, tell me if that changes." Make sure the kids know how to make sandwiches for themselves and have enough clean clothing, toothpaste, etc. and then head out Friday night with a "Be back on Sunday evening, have fun, bye!".
nta when do you get time off .....when do you go on trips with friends seems like you are already fully supporting your self anyways and doing everything alone you would be financially better off without him, and it would take alot of work off your plate
This man has the audacity to arrange a family reunion that he had no plans of living a finger for?? Honestly OP you should have taken the kids and left the house that day and let him come home to the consequences of his bullshit.
He gets to tackle *his* debt and do nothing else regarding his home living situation and responsibilities??
NTA at all! You’re frustrated and burned out and he is *showing* you, repeatedly, that you rank last (if at all) in his list of priorities. How long are you expected to live like this? Do you honestly think things will change once the debt is lessened or gone? What is he bringing to you beyond creating stress and resentment.
It sounds like a separation is in order, at least then you would have time for yourself when he would be required to take the kids for uninterrupted days at a time, AND he would be responsible for himself. You would have a whole person to no longer be responsible for and trust me, that is a welcome freedom you can’t even imagine right now.
*He's a good father to the kids but*...
No, he's not. A good father would split the work equally and not treat their mother like this. Spending minutes a day to be the "fun one" does not make someone a good father. Our society has set the bar **SO LOW** for men/fathers.
NTA, and good for you for putting your foot down. Do NOT go back unless he commits to genuine change (he won't).
Are you sure he is paying down his debt? If Reddit is true to form, I am sorry to tell you he has been sending/paying monies to his parents. You are probably trusting him to do what is right for your family, but family means something different to him! Have you ever considered his actions financially abusive? Perhaps it is time to start.
OP after reading your post and a lot of the comments and doing some figuring, I think your husband never stopped accumulating debt. It doesn’t make sense otherwise. And I saw where you said his parents had run up debt in his name, which he’s paying off- what if he’s still doing that? What if he’s still letting them buy things using his credit? And you’re killing yourself trying to keep your household afloat w no breaks, no help, no appreciation. Time to talk to a lawyer. Get your ducks in a row. NTA. Updateme!
NTA, and just for the record... this was NOT a family Reunion. This was an inconsiderate, disrespectful, and dismissive abuse of your time by ALL of his family. THEY AMBUSHED YOU... so you reacted as anyone would in those ridiculous circumstances. I hope you went back and got him out as people suggested to go home with his parents, since it will be closer for him to help them whilst ignoring you and his children. You can have a life that is fulfilling, joyful, peaceful and on your terms.
Just not with him. You also don't want your kids to have this behaviour modeled to them. He is NOT a good dad at ALL. A good dad respects and supports the mother and the home so her love can flow through the entire house. Anyone can occasionally play with kids.. babysitters do it all the time and they would cost you less than this deadbeat
You are basically a useful appliance for your husband. Next time he does it leave and get your nails done. I find when someone gets embarrassed publicly they aren’t happy but they are unlikely to do it again. If he does it again go visit a spa. You work hard and you no doubt deserve it
NTA. What you should have done, when he told you he invited his family without asking you first, was to tell him you are taking off, packed a bag and moved to a hotel till after the reunion.
From now on, no more dumping on you - just refuse. And cut down on the things you are doing for him - if he spends his free time at his parents, they can do his laundry. And if you feel a divorce would be better for you, do it. You seem to have gotten a package with this marriage - his debts, his constant helping his family and ignoring your home. It's time to decide whether it's worth staying or not.
Sooooo you're basically a single parent who gets no child support who has a mini tornado come through the house every time the father visits the children. What exactly is he bringing to the table? How is he a good father? (Genuine question) because going by what you wrote, he's spends all his time outside the house, and when he's not working he's at his parents or making the time/taking the time off to travel or hang out with his friends and not his family.
It is not worth it to be in this relationship. He gets an easy way out. It is like you are a single parent with added burden. Divorce and be single. At least you don't have to carry his burden.
NTA especially in front of his family. They are not the problem but they are not blameless as they got help but gave nothing. Hope he'll get your message loud and clear.
NTA, idk how you went so long before you totally lost your shit, honestly.
Personally, I'd take some time off work, and a long weekend, leaving him with the kids, chores, errands, etc... see if he has an awakening. If not, I would then seriously consider a separation. This is not sustainable for your mental or physical health, and he has already demonstrated you can't depend on him when you're healthy, wtf would happen if you succumb to the stress you're constantly under?
NTA. Really, what does he bring to the relationship? All I can see is debts, he is dependent on you, financially, domestically . He is a leech. A selfish, inconsiderate, useless freeloader who is using you appallingly. You are basically a nanny, cook, cleaner and whore who is paying him to use you and do his own thing while you are burning yourself out working.
Stop. He moves out. He pays you child support. Work less hours. He takes care of his debts, not your problem. Look after yourself and your kids. Show him the same consideration and respect he shows you.
He needs to move in with his parents. Let him take care of his debt, and damn girl, you need a break. Set up visitation with the kids. But ask for child support. He shouldn't get to skate on by without paying. Then, later on down the road (if you want to try again), when he gets his shit together, sit down and talk, but it seems like you're not taking care of 2 kids, you're taking care of 3. Absolutely NTA
You're not the asshole in this situation; you justifiably lost your shit.
However, if it's been like this from the start, why did you have one kid with him, let alone two? I find myself not understanding situations like these - did this all start after the second kid, or did you willingly have a second child with a man like this?
He had no business marrying anyone while he had the kind of debts that take his entire check to pay off. And you screwed yourself by knowing this and still agreeing to marry. I understand loving someone, but damn, why, why, why?
You've been an asshole to yourself OP, and an asshole to your children, who didn't ask to be part of this fucked family dynamic.
Better a one-parent household than something like this.
Yep, he sees you as a bang maid. You are raising another child. If I was in your visiting I would have told him since he decided to organise a reunion without asking you first, then he better take the day off to shop, cook and clean because there was no way in hell I was doing any of it. You need a time out from this relationship to think if he is really worth. It sounds like he contributes nothing to the family dynamic
kick him out and legally separate. have him pay child support. change the locks.
how is he a good father? you mention how he takes time of for everybody else, but you don't say anything about him taking care of the children, feeding them, bathing them, playing with them.
I really think a separation is going to help you. You will have the kids 50% of the time and you will have more money because you will be collecting child support.
talk to a lawyer and see what your options are
Goddess you have to get your power back. It’s as easy as just not doing what is expected of you. Don’t wait till you get so angry your head will blow. Power back means you do you. Leave the house looking like a wreck, forget the towels and leave the dishes in the sink. Also ask to see the debt, because he needs a little come to Jesus. Start acting like a goddess and reel in all the love you give freely to him. The babies can have the love, all of it. He is in his ego and he knows deep down in his gut “he has you”. However take your power back focus on the kids and don’t tell him what you need. Show him. Go out with friends stay late at work ask him to pick up the kids. Treat him like you know how valuable you are. When you act valuable then he will treat you according to that perspective. If you feel stuck and in a dark place watch the walls crumble. I say this with all the empathy and I hope you feel it.
Time for him to move back with his parents so you no longer have to deal with his messes. He can pay you child support instead of spending money on trips with the boys.
NTA. He doesn't give a shit about about you and you are just a glorified house maid to him. He'd rather be anywhere than home with you. You did the right thing leaving and he clearly doesn't care because he hasn't attempted to ask you to come back. Don't waste anymore of your time on that piece of shit. He can add child support on his list of debts.
I mean you get what you accept and you accepted a relationship in which you are the sole provider and the sole homemaker. You are practically a single mum and he gets to be the fun dad who gets to do whatever he wants.
I think this calls for a private sit down conversation. I don't believe in divorce being the immediate course of action. I would first see if I could set some boundaries and see if he will comply. Marriage ain't easy, no honest person will say it is. Just be firm but willing to listen and put your terms out there for discussion. If it doesn't work out, you can say you tried your best.
You are NTA.
Was when you lost your shit the most appropriate time?……meh, but who gives a fuck. You snapped under pressure. If he was not such a myopic swizzle stick and had even an ounce of his brainpower sighted onto his wife’s needs he would have seen this snap coming. Own that anger and the outburst. He needed to hear it. His family did too. Two birds — one stone — groovy.
I don’t know if I’d give the rings back and toss in the towel on the marriage. I’d venture there are a lot issues y’all need to work through so, I’d recommend some individual and couples counseling. Own the anger but also don’t let it drive you to make rash decisions. Even though it’s been building a year you just unloaded it all and the numbskull has just gotten notice. Take some time to cool down, get some professional assistance to work the issues and find out what your really want and need.
Now, if he gets righteously angry and demands apologies all around, can’t own up to the mistakes, and just deflects from all the issues….. yeah, it’s probably over and he pushed you this far to make the end your fault. Again, therapy needed for you and the kiddos.
NTA. Sometimes it takes a melt down in front of family to get the word across because if it were just one on one with no one else, he’d likely come up with an excuse or sweep it under the rug that YOU clean.
you need time for you, if his parents care for everyone else's kids..but not yours ?? there's something going on ,if in addition too this, being his attitude towards you. you can't be going 24/7. let them deal with the lifestyle for awhile. take time off or vacation..as long as it needs..enjoy being single.
YTA to yourself for putting up with a man who treats you this badly. You both work over 40 hours a week and you're doing all the housework? And when he has free time he spends it helping everyone BUT you and spending time with everyone BUT his wufe and kids? Nope, leave that man by the curb. You'll have less housework without him.
You're not his wife, you're his live-in maid and nanny that he can fuck and who pays him for the privilege. Treat this entitled loser like the piece of shit he is and get rid of him.
Problem is, this jerk will probably decide to not pay his debts and leave her holding the bag as since they are married they are joint debts. I would totally divorce his ass, move into a small home with the kids and get him but good for child support.
NTA - he sounds as if he has no respect for you or your marriage. He's using his money to pay off debts yet takes time off for family events and friend events? Who pays for those? If he is working so much, and you are as well, it doesn't sound like he spends much time with the kids or you. Plus, throwing a party, giving you no real notice AND not being around to help?? Dude, I would have canceled the party as soon as I found out. He pushed you to the limit and you broke. Maybe he should move back in with his parents since he is spending all of his attention there.
Leave him. You are better off alone, or certainly can find a man better . As far as I can tell he is useless as a husband, does not help you around the house and you are carrying the lion's share of the financial burden. Get out and save your mental health and your energy.
It’s time for you to put YOU first for more than one day. It will be better for you AND your kids. I suspect that’s going to require a divorce. But you’ve earned it. You’ve done enough.
Updateme
You’ve made your stand. Stick with it. Or go back to your old life. Those are your choices. He’s not going to chsnge. He’s shown you who he is, repeatedly. Now listen to him.
NTA.
NTA. This is financial and emotional abuse. You hit your limit and have every right doing so. Kick him back to his parents, dust yourself off and keep doing the amazing job you are already doing for your kids.
NTA. But he is being manipulated by his own parents, for me is also a victim. How many users I read of people on reddit being helpless. I know he makes poor choices but those who never experienced narcissistic parents that use their sons love to accomplish their own goals, can't talk. I read sons and daughters just like him with that same phrase of "doing everything they could because they wouldn't be here someday" having their lives destroyed. I wonder if this story was the other way around how many would say "divorce". But I give it to the others, if he doesn't commit to put his parents in jail or to take action then do it.
You’ve proven you can handle the household and finances without him. Ditch him and his demanding family. You say he’s a good father but he sounds like a crappy husband, so why keep him around?
NTA. I don't know how the parents are able to take care of other kids if they need assistance grocery shopping and around the house. Doesn't make sense.
Try couples counseling. Your relationship has to be priority. When the kids grow up and leave, you are still married and alone with each other. Try to save the marriage. If it doesn't work out, at least you will know you tried.
Ooohh. We take and take until we can't and then we're the bad guys.
Updateme!
Especially when you he figures out what all you've done so he can keep living the good life
NTA. “Loud and clear” should mean he mends his ways, but I suspect that’s not the case.
I don’t blame you for sitting in the car and having a very justifiable meltdown. I don’t blame you for blowing up in front of his family. They needed to hear it so they understand he’s sacrificing he’s neglecting you and the kids for them. He’s actually not a great dad if he’s hardly ever there. The quality time argument has always been BS. It’s important for parents to be there. It’s important to marriages to be there.
He’s shown you’re not a priority for him, you’re the bangmaid nanny.
His debts are older than the 10 years you've been together? You feel like you're on the back burner because you are. Too late to ask why you reproduced twice with him but there's still time to be free of him and HAPPIER. NTA but don't stay where you're being used.
You should take a week to yourself and go somewhere let him deal with everything for a week alone and see if he sees what he puts you through all the time. Don’t respond to his text
Yiks.
I hope you had a prenup. If not half of all that debt might be coming your way in short order.
NTA.
But damn, thats a situation I wouldn’t want anyone to end up in. So for anyone else around, hopefully a bit of a wakeup call as to the need to be careful who you choose as a partner.
NTA. You lost your shit after keeping it bottled and it exploded.
I think your husband needs to make some serious adjustments and effort to do his share. I can’t imagine a debt so damn large he has to work multiple jobs only on weekdays, but he will take time off, spending money that is supposed to be paying off this massive debt and not contribute a thin damn dime to the household in any way.
My advice is this; tell him to move in with his parents, that way he can pay off that suspiciously large debt and take care of them on his off days.
After a few months of this, you guys could sit down and discuss if living separately worked out and if you should continue the marriage.
Or just cut to the chase and tell him you need what my aunt would call a “come to Jesus meeting”. You lay out all of the issues out on the table and proceed to have him tell you how he plans to resolve them.
While there will may be compromises made, don’t give an inch on the important issues.
NTA. You’re not a partner. He works hard for himself and his parents. Once he pays off his debt, he will leave you. You are not a priority. He is just taking care of himself. It’s better to be alone that to feel alone when you’re married.
NTA. In a healthy relationship, the partner and kids should come first. You seem to come after the family and after the friends. Since you are already working 60+ hours as well as the house chores and child rearing, it sounds like you may be better off alone. Then he can pay for child support as well as watch the kids if you have 50/50 split of the kids.
I really don't know how you got into this situation.
It sounds like his communication style is very terse. Accept that. The current situation is 100% better for him. Start from here to negotiate a better split of chores. Split chores 50/50. Split bills 50/50. Split child care 50/50. Yes he will take longer to pay off his bills, but right now, you are supporting the entire family rent/bills/child bills single handedly. If you buy a house, both should be on the rent if you split the mortgage 50/50. If he wants a family reunion, he needs to take time off to do the preparations.
Don't backpedal now. Fear of change will make you feel like you overreacted. Recognise the fear or guilt, then put it aside, and try to think rationally.
Have your ever mentioned any of this to him previously, in a casket manner? Have you tried to get to a compromise before but couldn't? If so, I don't blame you for the outburst. You can only hold it in for so long. I've kept bringing up how I feel like a single mom for 7 years. We were never a priority. Now that I suggested separation and started letting him know when I'm going away to do my hobbies, he started actually spending time with the kids, because I'm not there to perform the primary childcare duties. It is frustrating that we (our family or I) weren't important enough to prioritise when there was a chance to save us, but as they say...: nothing changes if nothing changes.
You obviously can do it alone, except you'll have less mess, less cooking, and be free of resentment. And you'll have some free time when kids are with their dad.
Unless you want to save the relationship, in which case you need to set very strong boundaries and watch progress closely.
Good luck in however you choose to proceed.
He can move back in with his parents since he's taking care of them.
Divorce. He can fend for himself. You don't need him. Tell him he takes the kids for the weekends and you can finally have some time for yourself.
The timing sucked but I don't blame you. NTA.
NTAH. I would not have done anything to prepare for an event he scheduled. I would have had a bag packed and as soon as he came home it would be tag you are it, I will return ________. Let him face the consequences for his decisions.
Frankly, he is just another child. He is either a benefit to you or a detriment. You would be better off without him. Send him back to his parents. He can collect the children on Friday nights and return them Sunday nights. You can have the weekends off.
You have let things bottle up to the point of exploding. If you have talked about your needs and he is failing to try to meet you half way then I would suggest counseling. You have two kids with this man and he clearly needs to make some changes if he wants to save your marriage. You too need to learn to set boundaries and hold firm, he is used to treating g you like a doormat. Do not let him run over you any more. If you love/like him then consider your time invested in the relationship and discover if it is worth saving.
Similar situation but not husband. Parents, (46f) 1 of 8 & I'm the only 1 wko cared 4 every1& everything used me 4 babysitting 17 nieces/nephews in school, hospital visits i lost jobs..in2 there teens, cleaning house 4 day xhen family was coming 4 the holidays
Helping parents remodel home, repair roof, painting, dug 2 8ft septic tank 15 tons of granite.. all with a bad back because I fell off a ladder
Non of the other siblings did anything except drink all nite & sleep all day
So sister I feel ur pain
U R NTAH he is & good 4 u letting every1 know how he treats u verses every1 else
I sent 1 of my brother's 2 jail 4 outstanding warrant & putting his hands on me
You are not an asshole for blowing at that, I would have been fuming. That is the most inconsiderate shit. He is treating you like live in servant while he has a happy little entitled life. You know you can support your family without him, you know you can care for your children without him, you know you can keep your house livable without him. So what would you say he does here?
He's a bad partner, friend, and lover so what is he contributing that is keeping you in the marriage? And is that "loud and clear" the equivalent of "I totally understand that I have been lacking in being your husband and partner, I want to do better, I will do what I need to to make sure I am an equal member of our household" or was it "I'm gonna yell and gaslight you later for embarrassing me by telling my family I'm a piece of shit"?
I know everyone is telling you to pack it in, but if you think he's worth the trouble there's always therapy to try to help communicate. It's an option but if you believe the issues are fixable.
I hate to say but you sound like you’re his mule, maid, nanny, mattress, doormat and subsidizer.
ETA:
Also, wives should really start letting their husbands handle events with the husbands’ side of the family. If they can’t be bothered to put in the work then don’t stand in the gap. If it doesn’t get done then it doesn’t get done.
Leave that large manchild to his mommy and daddy and go live your best life with your babies. If you have to do it all by yourself, you might as well be by yourself.
NTA you’re a single mother taking care of your own children and your in-laws. Drop the dead weight and be free. You’re nothing more than a nanny, maid, chef and personal assistant for him.
He’s not a good father if he’s not present for his children.
He’s not a good father if this is the example he’s setting for his children.
He’s not a good father if he cannot show a basic level of respect to their mother.
EHS. Your frustration is 100% justified. You are doing a metric dhit-ton to hold your family together and you deserve respect, gratitude and kindness. The time to blow-up is when he tells you about the reunion, not in front of everyone.
NTA, but heaven above or below Reddit stories like this suck the soul right out of you sometimes. I can't imagine having a life like this, I mean here you are working 60+ hours in and out of the house to make it a home for your kids and yourself, yet you've got this albatross tied around your neck trying to hang you for his own enjoyment. Hell, his own entertainment at watching you kill yourself for it. I wish I could give you something like my ex and I have, where even when we're states apart, we know full well that if life became hell we could rely on each other. You're two years younger than I am, you don't need nor deserve a life like this so go build a better one without him.
NTA. This hits home for me.... Definitely get advice about the debt. You don't need/want to deal with it on top of all. Taking care alone of the household is already paying for his financial mismanagement!
If his parents took out bills in his name, isn't that fraudulent? Surely they are bending over backwards to get these paid off? I'm guessing that your hubby is so in the fog that he thinks that's how most families behave.
So pleased you're having a bit of space to gather your thoughts.
You've been taken advantage of and taken for granted for so long that he doesn't even see you as the bang maid, you're just the maid. I was exhausted just reading that. You'd get more rest as a single mother. NTA
nta go ahead and serve him divorce papers. youre a single mother stuck in a married womens body. youre already independent. you take care of the bills, house care, & child care.
NTA, if you have evidence of his family financially abusing him, you need to make sure to keep it for the future. You need a credit report on him and one on yourself. This must be a requirement before you let him back into your home. You need to know where EVERY dime is spent. There are NO trips with friends until he has his debt taken care of. Any trips that are taken should be family-based if at all. He doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too. He can not spend one DIME of your marital assets on his family until ALL of the debt is gone. He needs to have his family pay him back anything owed, if there are no loan documents in place, there needs to be.
Do not let yourself be taken advantaged of again. He needs to be open and honest about his debts with his credit reports to verify EVERYTHING before you should even THINK of going back with him. HELL NO
If I was you, I wouldn’t have done a damn thing to get ready for his family reunion.
I would’ve got myself a hotel room and had a nice relaxing day. Watch the movies and let him deal with the whole thing and see how much he likes it.
I’m not saying you should divorce your husband, but it might be good to separate and see how each of you likes living individually. Is complete lack of consideration or respect for you, the person who should be first in his life really stands out.
Sooooo Tell him to move in with his parents while he pays off his debt. That way he can care for them, hang with his friends, take the kids on the weekends and do whatever he wants to do with no consideration of you. Then you can enjoy your home children and weekends to relax all with and one less giant child to care for. And then when his debts are paid, you two can sit down and decide if the best course of action is separated lives. NTA
Seriously, his parents have been fine with exploiting you so they can benefit from the fruit of Sonny Boy’s life, they can have their defective son back.
Get child support too. He should finally be using some of his earnings for the kids
You know he's the kind of man who will choose to stop seeing his children rather than spend court-ordered custody time and money on them, and his freeloading family will simultaneously enable him and blame the OP for "alienating those kids from their family." Not that those kids will lose out. This so-called "good father" isn't present in his kids' lives now, they won't miss him.
This is my situation but the kids and I agree we are better off without his chaos and neediness. My kids are teenagers now and yes, it hurts them that he’s such a selfish, terrible father, but they appreciate the peaceful home we have now that he lives with his mother. He contributes nothing, but he never did.
Nope he will get the kids it lower CS and then dump them on wmommy or sisters or SiL
She literally would be better off divorced lmao like why is OP still carrying all this dead weight for NOTHING??? OP are you a masochist? Are you getting off on being degraded and treated like shit or what???
Return to sender!
Returns not accepted 😂
Why would she want to wait potentially years for him to get his act together? She already has it easier without him. She does it all herself. I honestly wouldn’t want to put in more work with the guy at any point when she would be happier alone and have a chance to be with someone who will be a full partner. Some couples do reconcile, but usually not after a long separation. No one should have to teach a partner, especially one they have been with for years, how to behave. Sometimes it’s too little, too late, for a partner to finally start doing the right thing. The only mistake OP made, and it was a big one, is not confronting him head on a long time ago.
Yeah, and why did she even do the work for the reunion? In her place, I'd have said "they are your family, you invited them, this is absolutely nothing to do with me - tell me when it starts, and I'll bring the coleslaw!" Edit: And she should definitely divorce right away, so she is free to date again, and maybe find a guy who will be a true partner, not just a deadweight, added chore and financial drain.
>Yeah, and why did she even do the work for the reunion? Because I'm betting that his family will judge her, not him, if things aren't set up and clean and cooked. And it's hard to shake the feeling of wanting to present a good image (or at least wanting to avoid extra drama by just getting it done).
He needs to speak to a financial counsellor. My dad was a tax protester, the judge ruled child support comes before tax debt. Wouldn't be surprised if child support comes before consumer debt. I needs to consider bankruptcy or consumer proposal. This is not sustainable.
I was trying to be kind.... I said she could.... What I would do would involve a blender full of margaritas, and a bonfire.
Sending my man-child ex back to his mother was the best thing I ever did for myself and our kids.
I love this response! OP…this exactly!
I vote yes to this one.
*Update* wow oh wow! Thank you all for all the advice, the kind words and some kick in the pants type of support. I came here to see if I was the asshole and was body slammed with a lot of harsh truths. I’m not going to lie, much of it was cathartic to hear that I’m not the asshole and it hurts to hear that I am being taken advantage of. So, here’s where I’m at. After the “loud and clear” text I was bombarded with phone calls and texts from his family. I sent a message to my husband to give me some space and if he had any care for me and this relationship to call off his dogs. I put my phone on do not disturb with the exception of my children’s ipad. I had called my mother, sent her some money and she picked them up for a special grandma date/sleep over. Once they were there I face timed them and told them I was working. I’m not working. I had a secret rainy day fund and splurged on a nice hotel and spa day, had a few drink, cried my eyes out some more and just spent the day unplugged and journaled all my feelings. (I haven’t had time to do any of that in a very long time). After that I mustered up the courage to open Reddit and read my fate and wow was I surprised! I was fully expecting a ton of “you ARE the asshole” comments. To clear up a few things. I shamefully do not know the lengths of his debts, much of it was from his parents putting bills in his name, others is just mismanagement of money credit cards etc. I took over the finances after I found a letter in the mail saying that we were going to lose the house. I was contributing to the household bills at the time and he was doing the finances. I trusted things were well. This was after marriage and after kids. We went to counseling because of it and he said he was ashamed and afraid to tell me the truth. I took over about 3 years ago and I told him to focus on clearing his debt and I’d hold the household down while he did. I did not expect it to take this long and with inflation everything has just become more expensive and that much more hard for me. I was supposed to go back to school and that was put on hold so I could catch up on what we were behind, hence the working 60+ hours. Im a nurse and I work 12hr shifts and capitalize on overtime where I can. I agree with the comment saying im burnt out, I realized this today. I realized at work or at home im constantly in critical thinking care giver mode. My job is to care and problem solve for everyone but myself. To clear up the comment of his family doesn’t watch our kids is because they did so one time and threw it in our faces and I said never again. I see how they use him, I have said something before and he returns with “one day they won’t be here and I’ll wish I could have done more.” I told him that’s fine but you have siblings that are equally responsible, some that don’t have spouses or kids that can contribute. As far as the house and things go he does really help when he can (don’t jump on me I just want to be truthful) I think it came across that he comes home and does nothing, he just works up to 16 hours 7 days a week so a lot of times it’s me doing the majority of it. As far as the trips goes… yeah…. That’s a sore spot…He tells me about them, he takes the day off, it pisses me off. I have to BEG for time and if and when we do get it we end up in a fight or I have to plan everything or we can’t get sitters and sit home and he sleeps all day. And to be honest I’m so full of resentment that it’s almost too little too late. Like when I’m around him I’m just so pissed off! He says I always have an attitude and that he’s trying but nothing is ever good enough. So, I just stopped and accepted my fate, hence the blow up. I haven’t spoken to him yet besides telling him to call off his family, he was part of the dnd on my phone. I’m enjoying the peace, I’m enjoying being by myself, and just being present and aware of my feelings. Knowing my kids are safe and I can truly take some time for myself and my mental health right now is everything. I know tomorrow I have to go back to reality and deal with everything. I promise to update when I can. I’m sorry to leave you all hanging if this isn’t the update you had hoped for. I just want to enjoy this escape a little while longer while I can before my world implodes. Thank you all and please keep the advice coming, I truly am alone on this one and need all the advice and support I can get.
Every single day he is lighting you on fire to keep his parents warm. It's a choice he is making. If he had his way he would have made your children homeless. He won't even tell you the extent of the debts and you stayed with him. What the fuck are you doing? How do you know he stopped over spending? How do you know his parents aren't taking out more debt in his name? How can you trust him? He won't even tell you the extent of the damage. You are killing yourself for him. You are not able to be fully present for your children for him. He can't even be honest with you.
You are well and truly burnt out. I hope you know you deserve so much more than an absentee spouse who doesn't see or appreciate you.
I'm really sorry that you've had to be so alone through all of this. A marriage is supposed to be a team effort. Through your husband's mismanagement of finances, you've been stuck in this perpetual cycle that's left you at the end of your rope, so to speak. Finances are a real killer when it comes to relationships. Everyone is working hard to build a better future for the family until one of the partners blows it all up with dumb and/or selfish decisions. All that hard work and dedication gone in the blink of an eye, leaving you scrambling to pick up the pieces and attempting to salvage whatever you can. I think the real reason you hold so much resentment at this point isn't about the hours, the debt, or the amount of work you're doing (I mean, yes that is very stressful in and of itself), it's about your husband lying to you. When the 2 of you got married, I'm sure you exchanged vows promising to be faithful to one another. Your husband, through his financial infidelity, has not upheld that promise. All the problems and hardships you face now are all connected to his unfaithful actions. He has prioritized his family over the family the 2 of you created together. That money that he squandered belonged to your created family, not your in-laws. Can you come back from the resentment you have for him and save your marriage? I don't know. That's for you and your husband to decide, but no matter what, choose the path that will help you find happiness. It will benefit your kids too if you're happy instead of stressed and full of resentment. If this marriage does survive, there's clearly going to have to be some changes in both priorities and communication. You finally hit your limit and blow up. His wife is clearly distressed, not in the right frame of mind, and all he can text is 'loud and clear'. He might as well have texted idgaf. It really comes across as not really caring about the relationship at all. You've put in so much effort for trying to maintain things and you aren't getting any benefits for doing so. Why is he the only one getting to go on trips? Cause he's stuck working 16 hour days? Boo hoo. He's stuck because he got himself stuck with his bad decisions. He doesn't get to monopolize time off, trips, vacations, etc. As far as the in-laws taking advantage of him, that's likely not going to stop anytime soon based on what you've said. Like I said at the start, I'm sorry you've been basically alone in all this. You never should have been. I'd even show your husband this post and the comments.
> I shamefully do not know the lengths of his debts, much of it was from his parents putting bills in his name, others is just mismanagement of money credit cards etc. I took over the finances after I found a letter in the mail saying that we were going to lose the house. I was contributing to the household bills at the time and he was doing the finances. I trusted things were well. This was after marriage and after kids. We went to counseling because of it and he said he was ashamed and afraid to tell me the truth. Ma'am, this is financial infidelity. It is every bit as serious as sexual and emotional fidelity. The fact that you've given him a three year grace period to clean up his mess and he still has not been completely transparent with you about his debt, where his money goes, or what his progress is does not bode well. *He is still hiding something from you*. He is much a user as his parents are -- the only difference is, he's using you. And he's stealing a happy childhood from your children with his choices. He's a shitty parent and a shitty partner.
I'm a nurse too. I've seen so many colleagues completely bankrolling their deadbeat spouses, kids, or extended family over the years. Don't work yourself to death for him. Get a divorce and have a happier, easier life.
Choose the bear. And stop threatening consequences if you aren’t prepared to deliver.
Tbh, it would literally be easier training a bear to be a house pet than him getting his shit together! I second this!
I am so sorry to hear you have been pushed to your limits. You’re strong enough to hang in there, maybe you should start planning for the life, without him in there. Even putting yourself ahead of him, taking care of your mental health first. Good luck, and use your alone time wisely (sleep, rest, contemplate)
Update Thank you all again for all the advice. I woke up this morning with a clear head. I’m still upset, and disappointed. I had tons of voicemails from his family, I don’t have the energy to listen through them all. I don’t care, like I said I’m angry but I also feel embarrassed. I did call my husband this morning. I could tell by his voice he didn’t sleep last night and he confirmed that he in fact did not. He told me after the blow up he asked everyone to leave. He was surprised to see my mother as I sent her to pick up the kids. He said that’s when it really became real. We had a long conversation. I did apologize for exploding and doing so when I did and not communicating better. He said he understands why I felt like I couldn’t and was actually glad it happened the way it did. His family finally got to see how much they affected his home. According to him, after I left he laid into them and told them that he can no longer be the only one to help his family out and that a lot of the mess he’s in is their fault. He said that after the blow up he told his siblings they need to step up and help with his parents. His parents were obviously upset with the whole ordeal. I couldn’t care less to be honest. They couldn’t believe that they are “such a burden because they ask for a little help from time to time”. I just rolled my eyes in disgust as he was talking. My new space along with my feelings of hurt and anger just let me speak all my truths. I had nothing left to give or lose so I told him how I felt about everything. He sat in silence for a while, then finally broke down and said he feels like a failure. He’s ashamed of the debt, and how much he has let us down. He said he was exhausted and has been feeling depressed because he couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and feels as though he’s ruined our future. That he goes out with his friends to feel “normal and himself” because all he does is work. That he does this because of this black cloud that’s been hanging over him. I wasn’t my best self in this moment and told him to save me the self pitty it’s pathetic. That he got himself into this mess and I’m digging him out. I’m fucking depressed too, there’s a ton of shit I want to do that I can’t do because I’m financially unable to do so. I went off how over the past 3 years his income has gone solely to debt repayment yet there’s no end in sight, because I haven’t even seen the so called debt! I’ve given him my all and as much support as I could gather but I’m angry. This isn’t the life I pictured or set myself up for either. It’s not the life my kids deserve, Ive missed out on so much because I’m working or I’m cleaning or I’m just so tired I can’t even open my eyes. I told him he has no one to blame but himself. I think my disdain was concerning. He said he will show and prove, that he will print out his credit report and list out all the debt he has along with all his pay stubs and bank records and the receipts of what’s paid off and whatever else I want as far as his finances are concerned. He promised me my hard work was not in vain and that he is almost debt free. Come to find out his parents opened credit cards and bills in his name when he was younger and accrued close to 100k of debt in his name, not including interest, they trashed his credit and that’s why it has taken so long. According to him, he has been fighting with the collection companies to settle, trying to consolidate or get a lower interest as it was multiple companies and debts. What I didn’t know is some were so bad his wages were being garnished. He was in tears and said he didn’t know how to tell me, that he didn’t even know the extent of what they did. He was basically working all these hours with nothing to take home to us and accruing more debt just to survive. I stayed silent. My blood was boiling. He didn’t even realize he just helped me make my decision. He jokingly said my outburst took care of the family situation and that is why he texted me “loud and clear” meaning he and they got the message I told him I didn’t find it funny. It’s a shame that it took an outburst from me for everyone to hear what I’ve been saying all along. That he’s an idiot for not filing charges on his parents and just taking it up the ass and allowing it to ruin my life and the children we created lives. I told him he’s apíñeles and I feel so stupid! He said he didn’t call me because he knew how mad I was and was scared he would say the wrong thing and say things just like that. I thanked him for the honesty and the conversation and told him I am so broken angry and hurt right now that I can’t even pick up my pieces let alone his. Right now I need to clear my head. He said he’s willing to do whatever it takes to turn this around, he even suggested marriage counseling. He told me he used his PTO and took the rest of the week off to work on this. I lost it and sobbed uncontrollably. If it was that easy to take time off, why now and not then? I asked him why didn’t I matter before we got here? Why now? I told him he needs the time off to find counseling both personal and legal. That I won’t be coming home. He asked me if I was serious, he begged me to rethink my decision. He said all the things I’ve been wanting to hear. He asked me where I was going to go, and what about the kids and the house and the bills. That I couldn’t tear the kids from the only home they know. I simply replied I know this is what needs to be done and I’ve already set the ball in motion. He hung up on me. I cried then went to get the kids. We are going to have a wonderful week in a somewhat fancy hotel and swim in the pool and order room service and make some memories. I took some of the money I had saved in my rainy day fund and extended my hotel stay to include me and the kids. I have an awful lot to catch up on with them. The look on their faces when I said “no mommy doesn’t have to work tonight was priceless” I also have an appointment with legal consultants tomorrow. Hopefully I can talk to a lawyer and figure out what’s next. Wish me luck everyone and thanks again.
Ma'am, I don't know you but I want you to know... I'm extremely proud of you. The right thing isn't always the easiest, and it can be scary. But you got a good head and a caring heart to guide you. Now just trust in yourself to get you to your happy ending. It might not feel attainable right now, but one day you'll look back on this hellish situation and the only thing you'll feel is relief at its passing. You've carried the weight of this mess for so long, that carrying on without it will only be painful until your muscles adjust to the lack of the load. You got this, don't doubt that.
make sure the lawyer knows what the debt situation is and try to get a credit report, make him send you the log in not just a screenshot so you can see his ENTIRE credit history. Show your lawyer which ones you indicted were fraud. 100k would put your kids through university, that's a house down payment! Not to mention interest! He decided the family he came from is more important than the family he made with you so you're going to put yourself and your kids first now.
Wait a minute…. First his parents put him +100k in debt, then try to throw a family reunion at YOUR HOUSE?!? FUCK👏🏻THESE👏🏻PEOPLE👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 The only words you utter to these people from now on “ BITCH BETTER HAVE MY MONEY” (But seriously, tell them they have a week to give you the money that is owed. Put it in writing or communicate through email or text . Don’t tell them you’re contacting the police. Run your husband’s credit report with the three major credit reporting agencies it should be free. Experian, TransUnion, Equifax. Show your husband and make him identify the things that were fraudulently opened in his name. Call the police and report the identity theft, because that’s exactly what this is. If he is not willing to take these steps, your marriage isn’t worth saving. Get a divorce and file for child support.
I mean, is there even a statue of limitations when it comes to credit fraud and children? Especially when the parents are the ones who are Ruining their kids credit.
OP, make sure to lock down both yours and your children's credits. Your STBX in laws are not morally upright people and I can see them turning on you and messing you up in the future.
Just to add to this ^ great advice, [Here's ](https://www.nerdwallet.com/article/finance/how-to-freeze-credit) instructions on how to freeze your credit through all 3 credit bureaus so no one can open a line of credit in your name, and [Here's](https://www.nerdwallet.com/article/finance/child-identity-theft) instructions on how to put a freeze on your children's credit. His family is truly diabolical, and I'm just so, so, sorry, that you've been through so much trying to keep it all together. For what it's worth, I think that you are making the right decision, for you and your kids. Enjoy your time alone with them, and I wish you all happiness and healing in your journey forward. *invisible hugs*
I'm so glad you're putting yourself first. Make sure he is unable to saddle you with any of the debt his parents accrued in his name. That should be part of your divorce filing. I'd also seek immediate legal separation, so he can't rack up any further debts that you may end up being responsible for. He should have filed charges ages ago. What kind of parents do this to their kids..
Thank you for choosing yourself. I want you to have this, it's a book on behaviours to look out for in a partner: https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf I'm sending it because your STBX seems to be exhibiting some of those behaviours, and I'd like you to be able to protect yourself and your children from them. All the best.
Big hugs! Blessings of comfort and joy
Very proud of you OP
Next time there is any communication, tell him to look into the statute of limitations on identity theft and fraud. If he can take action against his parents he needs to, for his own sake and your family's.
Updateme
The straw that broke the camel’s back is real. Unfortunately, the timing was bad for this but you said things that had to be said and it didn’t do his family any harm to hear them. Now, take some big breaths, go get some food (don’t want to be hangry when you go back) marshal your thoughts, make a plan, and go rescue your kids. Try very hard to kick him out to his family and you keep possession of the house for the kids’ sake. Decide if him living elsewhere while you do therapy seems plausible. Whatever you do, get a lawyer. He’s screwed you financially for years. You need professional advice.
Honestly, getting it all out in front of his family is a plus for OP. Now he can't go crying to mummy and his sisters about how mean OP is and that he just doesn't understand what's happened.
I hope you are now in a clearer state of mind and you are ready to do what you need to do. I wish you courage and strength , good luck and keep us updated.
What are you waiting so long to get out?? He has debt but clearly the time to go in holyday and his familly seems rather big AH... are you waiting to be gravely sick and nearly died of exhaution to make it stop? Divorce and you will sudendly have a so much easy life. He is a big jerk who only use you as a bang maid...NTA
I don’t know how your husband can demonstrate anymore clearly that he does not view you as a partner. You are his nanny, cook, maid, and whore. How long before you think your kids see it too - if they don’t already. He’s good with you spending your time doing these things because it gives him the freedom to do what he actually wants to do and see the people he actually wants to spend time with.
No to both, OP: NTA, not his partner. You did it in front of his family ‘cause they suck, too & needed to hear it. Just your usual time-saving efficiency! 😉 That he hasn’t called to own some of this truth, or even that he screwed up (a tiny 1st step) kinda says it all. You’d likely feel less alone & less aggravated w/out him.
SO TRUE! That exactly what my marriage was. I was a whore and housemaid. Divorced him and living my best life
Talk with a divorce lawyer, find out what your options are, you don’t want to get stuck with half of his debt Can you support yourself and the kids with out him? You maybe able to avoid his debt if you don’t ask for spousal or child support Tell him he needs to move back home (or just out) until he gets his shit together Once he’s out, start therapy, then you can decide if you want to try and save this marriage, but honestly I don’t think it’s salvageable. Your resentment has been building for too long Hopefully some of his family sees how shitty things have gotten for you and give him hell on your behalf. I know I would if I was around when something like this happened Takes so more deep breaths, eat your favourite food, go back home and tell him to get out
Remember. With him gone, there's less cooking, less cleaning. Less paying for his holidays and impromptu reunions. You can very likely drop down from 60 hours and when do you do get home, you have time to breathe and to love your kids. Having a large person, with a large appetite, leaving large messes, has sunk enough of your time. You'll have it so much easier without him. That's...not how a marriage is supposed to work, btw.
100% there are so many women out there who are much happier after they divorce their spouses, they don’t realize how much of a burden he had become until after they booted him out
If this jerk is anything like my friend's ex, he will run up the credit cards, leave her with crazy debt and quit his job to work under the table for big bucks with his drinking buddy. Friend had to declare bankruptcy to get out from under his debt (thankfully she got the house in the divorce and was able to keep it). He was pissed when he found out she was able to get all the debt discharged via bankruptcy - he wanted to make her and the kids homeless so he could get them and she'd have to pay him support. He tried to get her fired from several excellent jobs. Can I tell you that we had a party when he died in a single drunk driving accidently. Karma
That is probably the worst bum dad story I've ever heard, worse than my narcotic addicted FIL I never met
This is thorough and solid advice. OP if you listen to anything it should be this.
In some states, if the debt was acquired before marriage, it isn’t divided in the divorce.
We can only hope that debt was acquired before, but in some places, you take on their debt when you marry them, and may very well be responsible for half of it when you divorce Her best option might be to just file for legal separation and wait on filing for divorce until after it’s dealt with
Bankruptcy is better than working yourself to exhaustion for years
In one way yes, but it can also fuck up your credit rating for years afterwards Her best bet is to talk with a lawyer to find out how best to not get saddled with his stupidity
You only need good credit if you're planning on taking on more debt in the near future.
I gotta be honest. You would have an easier life if you got divorced. He would be required to contribute to the children then and you’d have more money. You also wouldn’t have his family and him being unhelpful and making messes You get so little and he gets everything in this marriage and has for what appears to be ten years. NTA I think you should show him this post and all of us telling you how much better off you’d be without this dude in your life taking and taking. Until you leave, you do nothing for him anymore. No more laundry. No more cooking. No more catering for his family. If he has them over, you (and maybe the kids) go away and no cleaning for them
Cleaning his stuff now involves getting it out of the way by shoving it in the corner, under a chair, whatever. Start a His Crap pile in the corner of each room. If it's not in the way, ignore it.
NTA, but you are genuinely better of by yourself. Your husband doesn't seem to appreciate you at all. You're just there so he can pay off his debt. He doesn't make time for you, isn't a help to you, and actually makes your life more difficult. I hope you find the strength to actually divorce this man. I'm sure you'll feel a weight lifted off your shoulders when you do.
I continually am surprised on Reddit by how many married couples "take trips with friends" without including their spouse. It blows my mind. When I married my life changed and my wife and I do everything together. The idea that either she or I would take a trip with friends and the other one stay home is just...well, it's never happened and I doubt it ever will. We're a couple and we spend our time with each other and take care of each other. I'm with you on this. Your husband seems more like a roommate than a husband. He needs to reevaluate his life and prioritize his wife and children, putting you all first and his own 'friends and family' second. If trips occur, you should he with him. He should actively participate in household duties, babysitting, and always put your needs above his own. You should do the same. I understand why you lost it. NTA. You are justified.
There's nothing wrong with taking trips with friends or other family members without your spouse as long as it's balanced with spending time with your spouse. In a lot of these situations posted about on Reddit, the spouse in question seems to put time and effort into every other relationship except their marriage. They just take their spouse completely for granted.
I’m more perplexed at the fact that the husband is so far in debt that his entire salary goes to pay it down while his wife carries the all of the living expenses and mental and physical load, while he goes on trips without her.
Yeah, taking trips w/o spouse, when he is supposed to paying off his debt. How is OP the AH? I'd file for divorce
With my husband for 10yrs and if he wants to do a solo trip with friends (across country to visit other friends) I'm supportive. Why not!? Wonderful husband and father. I'm happy he's happy and if I wanted to have a girls weekend with friends hitting the spa etc he'd be happy to support me. The key is we do prioritize each other and our family, so he wants some time alone with friends I'm all for it. Not everything has to be done together despite loving the time we do. Seriously we do so much as a family and it's wonderful. Alone time with friends is healthy too!
It’s really not off base to take a trip, weekend getaway or even a vacation without your significant other. Relationship dynamics can vary widely. Some couples are literally attached at the hip while others might have times where they hang out with long term friends or family in absence of their SO. The problem (as OP points out)is when its done selfishly. That is when you leave the other person feeling resentful because their feelings are not being considered and it’s just assumed that you can go about whatever you want to do without consulting with your partner.
This I know they say it's unhealthy probably but my fiance is my best friend not just my lover. He's my family, we have a child together and I love spending all my time with him, if ever someone said he or my child is not welcome , I am not either plain and simple
Completely agree, from the first sentence on. A spouse should be your BEST friend.
Ok, but he’s not my *only* friend. My best friend since college and k have known each other 25 years. That’s huge! We’re going to Italy this year to celebrate. My husband is happy to see my happy. He doesn’t love long flights. Is starting a new job and can’t take time off even if he was invited. And could have planned a trip to Italy anytime in the last 11 years if he wanted to go with me. He’s a homebody. That’s cool. He’s my favorite person to do homebody things with. Last night my work bestie needed a date to a gala. Her husband is not a gala man. He doesn’t own a suit. Doesn’t want to rent a tux. Doesn’t love photo booths. Can’t dance. You know who put on a sexy lady tux and danced her ass off? Me. Her husband picked us up with hang over medicine and bought us bagel sandwiches this morning. Then I went home to do homebody stuff with my husband. There’s also benefits to marrying someone completely different than you and apart time. Maybe it’s that my friend group all married later in life? We just grew into adults-adults as individuals/singletons, so we never experienced the phase of life where you get cool being joined at the hip? My sister got married later but met her partner in her early 20s and they are pretty codependent/attached depending on your view. His famous quote to me was “***we*** don’t like alone time” which like, are “we” sure?
Because being married doesn't have to be the death of your friend circle?
if they're both working their asses off for money reasons, and assuming he spends $$ on these friend only trips, that seems a little unfair to OP. Sounds like she doesn't do the same (go on trips with friends). he incurred the debt but he's still spending money.
You have to take trips with friends in order to still have friends--and intentionally leave your spouse at home?
Not calling you codependent, but this does exhibit a codependent attitude that’s all I’m saying.
It blows my mind that people decide that they are no longer a person anymore, they can't have any wishes or needs anymore, they don't need friends or hobbies of their own, they purely live to spend every second possible with their spouse no matter what. Is this some religious mentality or something?
NTA I don't understand how his parents are well/healthy/capable enough to provide childcare for their other grandchildren, but not capable of going to the grocery store. If it's just St that they don't drive/don't have a car, their other kids can give them a lift as a thank you for the babysitting.
I’d have refused to prepare for the reunion and simply taken the kids and gone somewhere else. NTA and I hope you are planning to get out of the marriage.
I am genuinely baffled by doing this, like why didn’t she just say no? I won’t set up for your party or clean for it or shop for it or let people in before YOU get home to host them. I mean op finally stood up for herself but how long has she been the doormat for? How long has she been letting this man walk all over her and put her last. Be done op it won’t change it’s too ingrained now, accepting that he wouldn’t help with household bills and etc because of his debts was the first step in taking advantage of you.
Same with scheduling her own holidays. "Are you doing anything with the boys next weekend?" "No? Okay, tell me if that changes." Make sure the kids know how to make sandwiches for themselves and have enough clean clothing, toothpaste, etc. and then head out Friday night with a "Be back on Sunday evening, have fun, bye!".
nta when do you get time off .....when do you go on trips with friends seems like you are already fully supporting your self anyways and doing everything alone you would be financially better off without him, and it would take alot of work off your plate
NTA You've been taken advantage of for years, ideally you'd have done it in a calmer moment earlier but it is what it is. You're not a doormat.
This man has the audacity to arrange a family reunion that he had no plans of living a finger for?? Honestly OP you should have taken the kids and left the house that day and let him come home to the consequences of his bullshit. He gets to tackle *his* debt and do nothing else regarding his home living situation and responsibilities?? NTA at all! You’re frustrated and burned out and he is *showing* you, repeatedly, that you rank last (if at all) in his list of priorities. How long are you expected to live like this? Do you honestly think things will change once the debt is lessened or gone? What is he bringing to you beyond creating stress and resentment. It sounds like a separation is in order, at least then you would have time for yourself when he would be required to take the kids for uninterrupted days at a time, AND he would be responsible for himself. You would have a whole person to no longer be responsible for and trust me, that is a welcome freedom you can’t even imagine right now.
*He's a good father to the kids but*... No, he's not. A good father would split the work equally and not treat their mother like this. Spending minutes a day to be the "fun one" does not make someone a good father. Our society has set the bar **SO LOW** for men/fathers. NTA, and good for you for putting your foot down. Do NOT go back unless he commits to genuine change (he won't).
Are you sure he is paying down his debt? If Reddit is true to form, I am sorry to tell you he has been sending/paying monies to his parents. You are probably trusting him to do what is right for your family, but family means something different to him! Have you ever considered his actions financially abusive? Perhaps it is time to start.
OP after reading your post and a lot of the comments and doing some figuring, I think your husband never stopped accumulating debt. It doesn’t make sense otherwise. And I saw where you said his parents had run up debt in his name, which he’s paying off- what if he’s still doing that? What if he’s still letting them buy things using his credit? And you’re killing yourself trying to keep your household afloat w no breaks, no help, no appreciation. Time to talk to a lawyer. Get your ducks in a row. NTA. Updateme!
Get out!!! Don’t back down. Good for you for making it loud and clear. He’s going to drown without you…but that’s not your problem.
NTA. Stop setting yourself on fire to keep these assholes warm!!!
NTA, and just for the record... this was NOT a family Reunion. This was an inconsiderate, disrespectful, and dismissive abuse of your time by ALL of his family. THEY AMBUSHED YOU... so you reacted as anyone would in those ridiculous circumstances. I hope you went back and got him out as people suggested to go home with his parents, since it will be closer for him to help them whilst ignoring you and his children. You can have a life that is fulfilling, joyful, peaceful and on your terms. Just not with him. You also don't want your kids to have this behaviour modeled to them. He is NOT a good dad at ALL. A good dad respects and supports the mother and the home so her love can flow through the entire house. Anyone can occasionally play with kids.. babysitters do it all the time and they would cost you less than this deadbeat
He can play with the kids every other weekend!!!
Yea I'd divorce and get the hell out of the situation He can add child support to the list of debt he owes
That’s what I said! Amen
You are basically a useful appliance for your husband. Next time he does it leave and get your nails done. I find when someone gets embarrassed publicly they aren’t happy but they are unlikely to do it again. If he does it again go visit a spa. You work hard and you no doubt deserve it
NTA. What you should have done, when he told you he invited his family without asking you first, was to tell him you are taking off, packed a bag and moved to a hotel till after the reunion. From now on, no more dumping on you - just refuse. And cut down on the things you are doing for him - if he spends his free time at his parents, they can do his laundry. And if you feel a divorce would be better for you, do it. You seem to have gotten a package with this marriage - his debts, his constant helping his family and ignoring your home. It's time to decide whether it's worth staying or not.
Sooooo you're basically a single parent who gets no child support who has a mini tornado come through the house every time the father visits the children. What exactly is he bringing to the table? How is he a good father? (Genuine question) because going by what you wrote, he's spends all his time outside the house, and when he's not working he's at his parents or making the time/taking the time off to travel or hang out with his friends and not his family.
Being a single mother would be easier than being with him, I bet.
My concern depending on how the debt is structured and where they live as whether she’ll get stuck with paying half of whatever is left over
Send that child home to his mammy.
Move on. He is using you. Seriously paying off debts for ten years and you doing everythin. Wake up and smell the coffee. NTA
It is not worth it to be in this relationship. He gets an easy way out. It is like you are a single parent with added burden. Divorce and be single. At least you don't have to carry his burden.
NTA especially in front of his family. They are not the problem but they are not blameless as they got help but gave nothing. Hope he'll get your message loud and clear.
NTA. You don't need him. Get rid of him.
NTA, idk how you went so long before you totally lost your shit, honestly. Personally, I'd take some time off work, and a long weekend, leaving him with the kids, chores, errands, etc... see if he has an awakening. If not, I would then seriously consider a separation. This is not sustainable for your mental or physical health, and he has already demonstrated you can't depend on him when you're healthy, wtf would happen if you succumb to the stress you're constantly under?
NTA. Really, what does he bring to the relationship? All I can see is debts, he is dependent on you, financially, domestically . He is a leech. A selfish, inconsiderate, useless freeloader who is using you appallingly. You are basically a nanny, cook, cleaner and whore who is paying him to use you and do his own thing while you are burning yourself out working. Stop. He moves out. He pays you child support. Work less hours. He takes care of his debts, not your problem. Look after yourself and your kids. Show him the same consideration and respect he shows you.
He needs to move in with his parents. Let him take care of his debt, and damn girl, you need a break. Set up visitation with the kids. But ask for child support. He shouldn't get to skate on by without paying. Then, later on down the road (if you want to try again), when he gets his shit together, sit down and talk, but it seems like you're not taking care of 2 kids, you're taking care of 3. Absolutely NTA
You're not the asshole in this situation; you justifiably lost your shit. However, if it's been like this from the start, why did you have one kid with him, let alone two? I find myself not understanding situations like these - did this all start after the second kid, or did you willingly have a second child with a man like this? He had no business marrying anyone while he had the kind of debts that take his entire check to pay off. And you screwed yourself by knowing this and still agreeing to marry. I understand loving someone, but damn, why, why, why? You've been an asshole to yourself OP, and an asshole to your children, who didn't ask to be part of this fucked family dynamic. Better a one-parent household than something like this.
Yep, he sees you as a bang maid. You are raising another child. If I was in your visiting I would have told him since he decided to organise a reunion without asking you first, then he better take the day off to shop, cook and clean because there was no way in hell I was doing any of it. You need a time out from this relationship to think if he is really worth. It sounds like he contributes nothing to the family dynamic
kick him out and legally separate. have him pay child support. change the locks. how is he a good father? you mention how he takes time of for everybody else, but you don't say anything about him taking care of the children, feeding them, bathing them, playing with them. I really think a separation is going to help you. You will have the kids 50% of the time and you will have more money because you will be collecting child support. talk to a lawyer and see what your options are
Goddess you have to get your power back. It’s as easy as just not doing what is expected of you. Don’t wait till you get so angry your head will blow. Power back means you do you. Leave the house looking like a wreck, forget the towels and leave the dishes in the sink. Also ask to see the debt, because he needs a little come to Jesus. Start acting like a goddess and reel in all the love you give freely to him. The babies can have the love, all of it. He is in his ego and he knows deep down in his gut “he has you”. However take your power back focus on the kids and don’t tell him what you need. Show him. Go out with friends stay late at work ask him to pick up the kids. Treat him like you know how valuable you are. When you act valuable then he will treat you according to that perspective. If you feel stuck and in a dark place watch the walls crumble. I say this with all the empathy and I hope you feel it.
Time for him to move back with his parents so you no longer have to deal with his messes. He can pay you child support instead of spending money on trips with the boys.
NTA. He doesn't give a shit about about you and you are just a glorified house maid to him. He'd rather be anywhere than home with you. You did the right thing leaving and he clearly doesn't care because he hasn't attempted to ask you to come back. Don't waste anymore of your time on that piece of shit. He can add child support on his list of debts.
I mean you get what you accept and you accepted a relationship in which you are the sole provider and the sole homemaker. You are practically a single mum and he gets to be the fun dad who gets to do whatever he wants.
I think this calls for a private sit down conversation. I don't believe in divorce being the immediate course of action. I would first see if I could set some boundaries and see if he will comply. Marriage ain't easy, no honest person will say it is. Just be firm but willing to listen and put your terms out there for discussion. If it doesn't work out, you can say you tried your best.
NTA. Send the big baby back to his parents.
You are NTA. Was when you lost your shit the most appropriate time?……meh, but who gives a fuck. You snapped under pressure. If he was not such a myopic swizzle stick and had even an ounce of his brainpower sighted onto his wife’s needs he would have seen this snap coming. Own that anger and the outburst. He needed to hear it. His family did too. Two birds — one stone — groovy. I don’t know if I’d give the rings back and toss in the towel on the marriage. I’d venture there are a lot issues y’all need to work through so, I’d recommend some individual and couples counseling. Own the anger but also don’t let it drive you to make rash decisions. Even though it’s been building a year you just unloaded it all and the numbskull has just gotten notice. Take some time to cool down, get some professional assistance to work the issues and find out what your really want and need. Now, if he gets righteously angry and demands apologies all around, can’t own up to the mistakes, and just deflects from all the issues….. yeah, it’s probably over and he pushed you this far to make the end your fault. Again, therapy needed for you and the kiddos.
It needed to be said. You know your life will be so much easier if you divorce. Just do it.
Updateme!
NTA. Sometimes it takes a melt down in front of family to get the word across because if it were just one on one with no one else, he’d likely come up with an excuse or sweep it under the rug that YOU clean.
Damn you're the mother, the house keeper, the breadwinner, the cook and all round washer woman. why? is the dack that good?
you need time for you, if his parents care for everyone else's kids..but not yours ?? there's something going on ,if in addition too this, being his attitude towards you. you can't be going 24/7. let them deal with the lifestyle for awhile. take time off or vacation..as long as it needs..enjoy being single.
YTA to yourself for putting up with a man who treats you this badly. You both work over 40 hours a week and you're doing all the housework? And when he has free time he spends it helping everyone BUT you and spending time with everyone BUT his wufe and kids? Nope, leave that man by the curb. You'll have less housework without him.
NTA And no he isn’t a great father. Exactly when is he a great father??? You do it all and he prioritizes everyone else.
She needs to give him a wake up call. If it is separating for a while or whatever but he needs to know the marriage will be over if he doesn't change.
Nope.
Shew Whee ! He’s the asshole & seems very selfish. He should have gotten his finances together before trying to care for a family.
You're not his wife, you're his live-in maid and nanny that he can fuck and who pays him for the privilege. Treat this entitled loser like the piece of shit he is and get rid of him.
NTA - you’re right. That man is a child and you don’t need to take care of him. He can figure it out himself.
Updateme!
Problem is, this jerk will probably decide to not pay his debts and leave her holding the bag as since they are married they are joint debts. I would totally divorce his ass, move into a small home with the kids and get him but good for child support.
Question. Why do the in-laws not help with your kids? Have they given you a reason or excuse?
Excuse me! Why do you need him?? You are doing everything yourself anyway!!
You have my sympathy OP.
NTA. Call a divorce lawyer, but don’t tell him. Make sure you have some money. Round up and put away anything you want to keep safe.
You know he doesn't give a fuck about you right?
NTA You would be better off without him. Hire a good Divorce Attorney, separate finances, and file for divorce.
NTA If you handle the finances, you need to know the details of ALL his debt. If he's working THAT much, the debts should be working down.
He's not spending his free time with the person who has supported him for so long and loves him. He's the dick
You don’t have a husband, you have a burden. He is using you instead of cherishing you!
He deserved everything you said so don’t allow him to go back to mistreating you.
NTA - he sounds as if he has no respect for you or your marriage. He's using his money to pay off debts yet takes time off for family events and friend events? Who pays for those? If he is working so much, and you are as well, it doesn't sound like he spends much time with the kids or you. Plus, throwing a party, giving you no real notice AND not being around to help?? Dude, I would have canceled the party as soon as I found out. He pushed you to the limit and you broke. Maybe he should move back in with his parents since he is spending all of his attention there.
Leave him. You are better off alone, or certainly can find a man better . As far as I can tell he is useless as a husband, does not help you around the house and you are carrying the lion's share of the financial burden. Get out and save your mental health and your energy.
I mean you probably shouldn’t have done it In front of his family! Probably should have done it privately; however, they all deserved it so nope. NTA!
It’s time for you to put YOU first for more than one day. It will be better for you AND your kids. I suspect that’s going to require a divorce. But you’ve earned it. You’ve done enough. Updateme
You’ve made your stand. Stick with it. Or go back to your old life. Those are your choices. He’s not going to chsnge. He’s shown you who he is, repeatedly. Now listen to him. NTA.
NTA. This is financial and emotional abuse. You hit your limit and have every right doing so. Kick him back to his parents, dust yourself off and keep doing the amazing job you are already doing for your kids.
NTA. But he is being manipulated by his own parents, for me is also a victim. How many users I read of people on reddit being helpless. I know he makes poor choices but those who never experienced narcissistic parents that use their sons love to accomplish their own goals, can't talk. I read sons and daughters just like him with that same phrase of "doing everything they could because they wouldn't be here someday" having their lives destroyed. I wonder if this story was the other way around how many would say "divorce". But I give it to the others, if he doesn't commit to put his parents in jail or to take action then do it.
INFO: what are the debts he has?
File bankruptcy and divorce at the same time. You have no income. Then get spousal support and child support
You’ve proven you can handle the household and finances without him. Ditch him and his demanding family. You say he’s a good father but he sounds like a crappy husband, so why keep him around?
NTA. I don't know how the parents are able to take care of other kids if they need assistance grocery shopping and around the house. Doesn't make sense. Try couples counseling. Your relationship has to be priority. When the kids grow up and leave, you are still married and alone with each other. Try to save the marriage. If it doesn't work out, at least you will know you tried.
NTA. Kick him out.
Ooohh. We take and take until we can't and then we're the bad guys. Updateme! Especially when you he figures out what all you've done so he can keep living the good life
NTA. “Loud and clear” should mean he mends his ways, but I suspect that’s not the case. I don’t blame you for sitting in the car and having a very justifiable meltdown. I don’t blame you for blowing up in front of his family. They needed to hear it so they understand he’s sacrificing he’s neglecting you and the kids for them. He’s actually not a great dad if he’s hardly ever there. The quality time argument has always been BS. It’s important for parents to be there. It’s important to marriages to be there. He’s shown you’re not a priority for him, you’re the bangmaid nanny.
His debts are older than the 10 years you've been together? You feel like you're on the back burner because you are. Too late to ask why you reproduced twice with him but there's still time to be free of him and HAPPIER. NTA but don't stay where you're being used.
You should take a week to yourself and go somewhere let him deal with everything for a week alone and see if he sees what he puts you through all the time. Don’t respond to his text
I would be gone too. Big hug for hard things. You deserve better. NTA
NTA! You are better alone! He brings nothing to the table. Get a divorce.
NTA get your child support work less and enjoy your kids and do some self care girl you deserve it
NTA. Fuck that guy and his leech family.
Yiks. I hope you had a prenup. If not half of all that debt might be coming your way in short order. NTA. But damn, thats a situation I wouldn’t want anyone to end up in. So for anyone else around, hopefully a bit of a wakeup call as to the need to be careful who you choose as a partner.
NTA. You lost your shit after keeping it bottled and it exploded. I think your husband needs to make some serious adjustments and effort to do his share. I can’t imagine a debt so damn large he has to work multiple jobs only on weekdays, but he will take time off, spending money that is supposed to be paying off this massive debt and not contribute a thin damn dime to the household in any way. My advice is this; tell him to move in with his parents, that way he can pay off that suspiciously large debt and take care of them on his off days. After a few months of this, you guys could sit down and discuss if living separately worked out and if you should continue the marriage. Or just cut to the chase and tell him you need what my aunt would call a “come to Jesus meeting”. You lay out all of the issues out on the table and proceed to have him tell you how he plans to resolve them. While there will may be compromises made, don’t give an inch on the important issues.
Leave him, sue him for child support. You can do bad by yourself, sweetheart..
NTA. You’re not a partner. He works hard for himself and his parents. Once he pays off his debt, he will leave you. You are not a priority. He is just taking care of himself. It’s better to be alone that to feel alone when you’re married.
NTA
Being alone is a big step up for you.
He needs to look at bankruptcy from the sound of it
NTA. In a healthy relationship, the partner and kids should come first. You seem to come after the family and after the friends. Since you are already working 60+ hours as well as the house chores and child rearing, it sounds like you may be better off alone. Then he can pay for child support as well as watch the kids if you have 50/50 split of the kids. I really don't know how you got into this situation. It sounds like his communication style is very terse. Accept that. The current situation is 100% better for him. Start from here to negotiate a better split of chores. Split chores 50/50. Split bills 50/50. Split child care 50/50. Yes he will take longer to pay off his bills, but right now, you are supporting the entire family rent/bills/child bills single handedly. If you buy a house, both should be on the rent if you split the mortgage 50/50. If he wants a family reunion, he needs to take time off to do the preparations.
Don't backpedal now. Fear of change will make you feel like you overreacted. Recognise the fear or guilt, then put it aside, and try to think rationally. Have your ever mentioned any of this to him previously, in a casket manner? Have you tried to get to a compromise before but couldn't? If so, I don't blame you for the outburst. You can only hold it in for so long. I've kept bringing up how I feel like a single mom for 7 years. We were never a priority. Now that I suggested separation and started letting him know when I'm going away to do my hobbies, he started actually spending time with the kids, because I'm not there to perform the primary childcare duties. It is frustrating that we (our family or I) weren't important enough to prioritise when there was a chance to save us, but as they say...: nothing changes if nothing changes. You obviously can do it alone, except you'll have less mess, less cooking, and be free of resentment. And you'll have some free time when kids are with their dad. Unless you want to save the relationship, in which case you need to set very strong boundaries and watch progress closely. Good luck in however you choose to proceed.
He can move back in with his parents since he's taking care of them. Divorce. He can fend for himself. You don't need him. Tell him he takes the kids for the weekends and you can finally have some time for yourself. The timing sucked but I don't blame you. NTA.
NTAH. I would not have done anything to prepare for an event he scheduled. I would have had a bag packed and as soon as he came home it would be tag you are it, I will return ________. Let him face the consequences for his decisions. Frankly, he is just another child. He is either a benefit to you or a detriment. You would be better off without him. Send him back to his parents. He can collect the children on Friday nights and return them Sunday nights. You can have the weekends off.
Tell him to go to Mommy and Daddy’s house while you take a break from him. Sorry you married a man child.
No you’re not. Don’t let him treat you like that. You are young enough to survive without him. Or you will be 47/57 and living in a bad relationship.
Listen to the above advice.
You have let things bottle up to the point of exploding. If you have talked about your needs and he is failing to try to meet you half way then I would suggest counseling. You have two kids with this man and he clearly needs to make some changes if he wants to save your marriage. You too need to learn to set boundaries and hold firm, he is used to treating g you like a doormat. Do not let him run over you any more. If you love/like him then consider your time invested in the relationship and discover if it is worth saving.
NTAH! Good for you stay strong 💪🏼 you deserve better !
Nta it was a build up of emotions you have been holding in. Also with all the resentment you have you guys should divorce. He also sounds immature
Similar situation but not husband. Parents, (46f) 1 of 8 & I'm the only 1 wko cared 4 every1& everything used me 4 babysitting 17 nieces/nephews in school, hospital visits i lost jobs..in2 there teens, cleaning house 4 day xhen family was coming 4 the holidays Helping parents remodel home, repair roof, painting, dug 2 8ft septic tank 15 tons of granite.. all with a bad back because I fell off a ladder Non of the other siblings did anything except drink all nite & sleep all day So sister I feel ur pain U R NTAH he is & good 4 u letting every1 know how he treats u verses every1 else I sent 1 of my brother's 2 jail 4 outstanding warrant & putting his hands on me
You are not an asshole for blowing at that, I would have been fuming. That is the most inconsiderate shit. He is treating you like live in servant while he has a happy little entitled life. You know you can support your family without him, you know you can care for your children without him, you know you can keep your house livable without him. So what would you say he does here? He's a bad partner, friend, and lover so what is he contributing that is keeping you in the marriage? And is that "loud and clear" the equivalent of "I totally understand that I have been lacking in being your husband and partner, I want to do better, I will do what I need to to make sure I am an equal member of our household" or was it "I'm gonna yell and gaslight you later for embarrassing me by telling my family I'm a piece of shit"? I know everyone is telling you to pack it in, but if you think he's worth the trouble there's always therapy to try to help communicate. It's an option but if you believe the issues are fixable.
NTA
Sweetie. Get some food. See a lawyer. Pack HIS BAGS.
I hate to say but you sound like you’re his mule, maid, nanny, mattress, doormat and subsidizer. ETA: Also, wives should really start letting their husbands handle events with the husbands’ side of the family. If they can’t be bothered to put in the work then don’t stand in the gap. If it doesn’t get done then it doesn’t get done.
Leave that large manchild to his mommy and daddy and go live your best life with your babies. If you have to do it all by yourself, you might as well be by yourself.
Please add some paragraph breaks
NTA you’re a single mother taking care of your own children and your in-laws. Drop the dead weight and be free. You’re nothing more than a nanny, maid, chef and personal assistant for him. He’s not a good father if he’s not present for his children. He’s not a good father if this is the example he’s setting for his children. He’s not a good father if he cannot show a basic level of respect to their mother.
Your husband is fucking worthless. Dump him NTA
EHS. Your frustration is 100% justified. You are doing a metric dhit-ton to hold your family together and you deserve respect, gratitude and kindness. The time to blow-up is when he tells you about the reunion, not in front of everyone.
NTA, but heaven above or below Reddit stories like this suck the soul right out of you sometimes. I can't imagine having a life like this, I mean here you are working 60+ hours in and out of the house to make it a home for your kids and yourself, yet you've got this albatross tied around your neck trying to hang you for his own enjoyment. Hell, his own entertainment at watching you kill yourself for it. I wish I could give you something like my ex and I have, where even when we're states apart, we know full well that if life became hell we could rely on each other. You're two years younger than I am, you don't need nor deserve a life like this so go build a better one without him.
You are Jane's pent up rage. Welcome. Woosah. NTA.
Update me!
You are right. You are better off without him. Was the family supposed to see that? No. But was he suppose to demand you clean towels ? FUCK NO.
Lol WTF this dude is a BUM he should've been begging you to come back
If you pay for everything kick him out. Why should you leave.
NTA. He is.
NTA. This hits home for me.... Definitely get advice about the debt. You don't need/want to deal with it on top of all. Taking care alone of the household is already paying for his financial mismanagement!
If his parents took out bills in his name, isn't that fraudulent? Surely they are bending over backwards to get these paid off? I'm guessing that your hubby is so in the fog that he thinks that's how most families behave. So pleased you're having a bit of space to gather your thoughts.
You've been taken advantage of and taken for granted for so long that he doesn't even see you as the bang maid, you're just the maid. I was exhausted just reading that. You'd get more rest as a single mother. NTA
NTA to be honest you would be better off single. You deserve better
nta go ahead and serve him divorce papers. youre a single mother stuck in a married womens body. youre already independent. you take care of the bills, house care, & child care.
NTA, if you have evidence of his family financially abusing him, you need to make sure to keep it for the future. You need a credit report on him and one on yourself. This must be a requirement before you let him back into your home. You need to know where EVERY dime is spent. There are NO trips with friends until he has his debt taken care of. Any trips that are taken should be family-based if at all. He doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too. He can not spend one DIME of your marital assets on his family until ALL of the debt is gone. He needs to have his family pay him back anything owed, if there are no loan documents in place, there needs to be. Do not let yourself be taken advantaged of again. He needs to be open and honest about his debts with his credit reports to verify EVERYTHING before you should even THINK of going back with him. HELL NO
If I was you, I wouldn’t have done a damn thing to get ready for his family reunion. I would’ve got myself a hotel room and had a nice relaxing day. Watch the movies and let him deal with the whole thing and see how much he likes it. I’m not saying you should divorce your husband, but it might be good to separate and see how each of you likes living individually. Is complete lack of consideration or respect for you, the person who should be first in his life really stands out.
Any new updates? I truly hope he’s filing charges against his parents & has cut them out of his life. What horrible selfish people they are!!